#this was kinda just a vent so y’all don’t need to pay it any mind

[dostarsfallatall]

“My Bisexual phase was so embarrassing” I came out to someone who I thought was my friend who then proceeded to out me too half our class including telling them the girl I had a crush on long before we were even friends that “friend” was also a lesbian..

Side note: I no longer go to that school and I’m now homeschool for different reasons

[bnha-more-like-bnh-gay]

Rarepair headcanons because I am ignoring my problems

Serodeku:

Izuku reenacts the Spider-Man movies with Sero. Izuku is MJ. They also alternate being Spider-Man sometimes

They skate together

They get very protective when people call their boyfriend “plain”

They play dnd together

Sero tries to make sure that izuku gets some rest

They’re both kinda insecure, izuku more than sero, but still; and they make sure to reassure each other as often as possible

Sero likes listening to Izuku’s ramblings and finds them cute. He has told izuku this, only for the poor boy to imitate a tomato

After Izuku has been particularly reckless, Sero takes advantage of his quirk, wraps Izuku in bubble wrap, and tapes it there

Tokodeku:

Jocknerd bf and goth bf, we love to see it

Tokoyami teaches izuku how to sword fight

They start a dnd club at U.A.

Izuku talks to dark shadow a lot, Dark Shadow approves of him, and has claimed the spot of best man at their wedding

Izuku comes up with ideas to help Tokoyami gain control with Dark Shadow

Dark Shadow is very protective over Izuku, no matter how many times Tokoyami tells him that he can take care of himself, Dark Shadow will put himself between Izuku and any form of danger as often as possible

Dekoyama??? Aoyama/izuku:

Aoyama gives him makeovers, obviously

Aoyama drags izuku to the mall and tries to revamp some of his wardrobe, but he actually finds the “pants” and “flannel” type shirts cute

They help each other train their quirks

Aoyama is trilingual, and teaching izuku English and French.

Izuku always brings Aoyama home some new cheese

Y’all, I love them so much. There needs to be more aodeku content

Monoshinsou:

They have people watching dates. They come up with stories for the people they’re watching; their job, family, background, etc.

They judge people together

They call each other “love”

They’re both dramatic bastards, who will flop onto their lovers lap and proclaim their death due to a minor inconvenience

They jokingly sh*t-talk class A

Shinsou said “I love you” first, and it was because Monoma brought him coffee to class

Monoyama:

Like monoshinsou, they’re both dramatic bastards, who will flop onto their lovers lap and proclaim their death due to a minor inconvenience

They go shopping together and pick out the most dramatic pieces of clothing for each other

I love them so much, please 😭✋

They have tea parties every week, where they sh*t talk everyone else and gossip

They are both fancy bastards, and they wear the most exquisite outfits to go grocery shopping, and the outshine everyone

They both actually make clothing, they’ll go fabric shopping together. Gift exchanges are often articles of clothing that they’ve made for each other

Momomei:

They work on gear together!!!

Momo makes sure that mei gets some sleep

Mei helps redesign momo’s suit

They often work together with izuku to work in gear and such

They actually got together after izuku introduced them. He had been working on gear with mei, and studying with momo and he thought they’d hit it off. He was correct

Shintsuyu:

Dude they’d be so cute

Tsu is a vent gremlin, and you can’t change my mind. So she and shinsou will play a game where they try to find each other. Tsu is in the vent and shinsou is in the classrooms. Shinsou will try to find whichever vent she’s in, or she’ll find whichever classroom he’s in, in 20 minutes or less

I always headcanoned tsu as a dog person, so they’d have two cats and two dogs, and a bunny that they named Deku

They like comparing their friends to animals, hence the bunny, Deku

Kamideku:

Kaminari is a flirt, and izuku does n o t know how to handle it

Kaminari likes listening to izuku’s ramblings, and can keep up with them. He’ll ask questions on things too, and Izuku has never felt more appreciated

I don’t know why I feel like they’d have so many animals, but I do. They’d have so many, man. Three cats, two dogs, four sugar gliders, a hamster

Adhd power couple. They hyperfixated on complimentary things at the same time one time

Kaminari tutors izuku in English, and izuku turots kami in some other subjects. He’s also teaching kami JSL on the side. Kaminari has a live of languages

Momochako:

Study dates, Momo asks ochako to quiz her a lot

Ochako takes to floating momo’s things when she wants attention. Especially when Momo is studying. She makes a game out of how many things she can float until the other girl notices

Uraraka’s confidence does wonders for momo’s. Uraraka always makes sure to reassure momo that she is strong and that she can do this

Momo makes Uraraka whatever her heart desires. Uraraka blushes all the time, and momo takes great pride in getting her girlfriend to blush

Minatoru:

Mina clings to everyone, but especially to toru

They give each other stuffed animals so often. They’ll go to the store to get food, and come back with three stuffed animals that reminded them of each other

Please, they’re so cute 😭✋

They will play hide and seek, I stand by this.

Mina helps toru design a new costume. I hate hers, it’s horrible, and sexist, and not suitable for a fucking child

Toru says that pink is her favorite color

They flirt with each other all the time. Half the class thinks it’s cute, half of them used to think it was cute.

Iidamomo:

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, but study dates. they quiz each other, and it actually gets pretty competitive

They also have rage room dates. I will not budge on this. Iida tried to murder someone, and I am excited to see momo finally snap. She deserves it

They alternate paying for dates, don’t try me.

The go hiking a lot

They started liking each other after one late night, both having nightmares. Momo had tea, and offered some to Iida. They talked until the early hours of the morning

They can’t flirt. They try. But they’re horrible at it. They’ll compliment each other all day long, but they cannot flirt.

KIRIDEKU, MY BELOVED:

Y’all,,, y’all, I love them so much

They train together, obviously

They ran into each other one night in the common room after both having nightmares. They talked about middle school, how they were both bullied, izuku’s quirk coming in late, katsuki being abusive, kiri being bullied because his quirk wasn’t “cool.” After that, they were practically inseparable.

They started going on dates, not that either of them knew they were dates. The entire class knew, so did the teachers, so did the rest of U.A. Kirishima picked up on it first after a comment from Mina, he had is realization.

So, he started courting Izuku. Not thag izuku realized this. He brought him flowers on most ‘dates,’ he bought him hero action figures whenever he could, he complimented him until Izuku was red in the face (which was honestly very easy.) Still, izuku remained ignorant to the fact that he was indeed dating Kirishima.

The final tipping point, was due to Uraraka’s help. She was quite tired of watching the two of them pine for each other. It was amusing for the first couple months, watching Kirishima try so hard, and Deku being totally oblivious. However, she took pity on her friends after a while.

So, Uraraka devised a devilish plan to get the two together. She involved Mina, Sero, and kaminari in this plan. What was the plan, you ask? Oh, simply to trap the two in one room until they broke through izuku’s obliviousness.

Kirishima finally “straight” up admitted his feelings, to which Izuku had the sudden realization of “oh my gods, have we been dating this whole time??” Yes, Izuku. Yes you have.

They have two anniversaries after that.

Let’s be honest, they are really, annoyingly, horrifically lovey dovey. Kirishima brags about having “the manliest and bestest boyfriend in the world.” Izuku flaunts his many PowerPoint presentations on how talented and incredible Kirishima is

Uraraka doesn’t know if she did the right thing by helping them. She is so tired

Tsujirou:

Jirou makes playlists for tsu

The few sane ones in class A, I swear

They go on walks in the rain as often as they can

They go for dates in the bookstore too. They each pick out an album and a book for the other to listen to and read

Y’all, they make so much sense togetherrrrr, I’m love them 🥺

Jirou started liking tsu after the crew saved bakugou. Jirou sat with tsu after momo, Iida, kirishima, Todoroki, and izuku apologized and sat with her. They had movie night, and Jirou joined the Bakugou saving crew and tsu with taking well into the night. She just appreciated how much tsu cared

Tsu started liking Jirou after she helped Iida, momo, and izuku try to keep the class in order. She appreciated how diplomatic and calm she was

Jirou would talk to izuku all night long about how gay she was, and how adorable tsu was. So, izuku decided to try and suggest ways for Jirou to ask her out.

She did not end up getting to ask her out though, as Tsu walked up to her the next morning f and asked if she wanted to go on a date. Jirou said yes. Izuku cried

Izujirou:

They make playlists for each other

They go for runs on the beach a lot

They both have insomnia, and often spend time making blanket forts and talking, or FaceTiming and listening to music

Jirou walks into the common room once a week looking for new music. She started liking Izuku after he made a playlist for her for one of these occasions.

They’re both quite awkward when it comes to romance, but neither of them will shy away from facing the truth. So, Jirou made izuku a playlist filled with love songs that reminded her of him and sent it to him. Sadly, izuku is dense as hell.

So, then Jirou wrote a love song and told izuku that the song was for him. Sadly, izuku is dense as hell.

So, then Jirou write analysis about izuku’s quirk for him. Sadly, izuku is dense as hell

So, then, after thinking that Jirou had done so much for him, izuku made her a playlist filled with love songs. Jirou took this to mean that izuku had finally picked up on her feelings, and accepted them.

So, they started to go on dates. Not that izuku knew this, as he is dense as hell. All leading up to izuku finally confessing his feelings on one of their ‘dates,’ to which Jirou responded, “dude, we’re already dating? Aren’t we? I- I thought that was obvious??”

May this awkward couple be forever blessed

Tokoyama:

Goth/prep boyfriends, we love to see it

At least once a day, Aoyama will proclaim that Tokoyami “shines almost as bright as he does, in his fabulous emo way”

They sword fight, and come up with really dramatic scenarios and scenes that they’re in

They bond over being in the izucrew and their shared love of swords. Aoyama took fencing classes in middle school, and Tokoyami got into sword fighting after watching it in pirates of the Caribbean as a young child. He is self taught and watched countless videos on the art of sword fighting

Tokoyami asked Aoyama our by dramatically presenting him with a dagger and going “will you accompany me on a formal outing as my lover?”

Shinyama:

They flirt constantly

No really, it’s getting quite annoying. Someone please stop them.

They both plop down in random areas and proclaim their deaths, the difference between them, is that Aoyama will burst into shinsou’s room, and yell “love, I’ve been murdered. Mourn for me” while plopping down on shinsou’s lap. Shinsou can be found laying face down outside aoyama’s door, and when Aoyama goes to open the door, he just goes “I’ve been murdered.”

^^ one time, shinsou did a very fun Halloween prank for this, where he poured fake blood all over himself for Aoyama to find him an hour later, asleep.

Nap dates. Aoyama get glitter all over shinsou’s room

Iiyama:

Aoyama enjoys making Iida blush, obviously. But he takes joy in doing it specifically when class is about to start. Aizawa is tired of his shit

Here is how I think an iiyama conversation might go:

Aoyama: I ask for one thing in this relationship-

Iida: Aoyama, you know that’s a lie-

Aoyama: for my boyfriend to carry me around all day-

Iida: Aoyama, I cannot feasibly do this with class-

Aoyama: and I don’t think that’s too much to ask for 😤

Anyway, Aoyama got carried around all day that day, despite Iida’s blush and Aizawa’s eye twitch

Everyone in the izucrew is close, but Iida and Aoyama started to get close after Iida told the crew about Stain. Aoyama wanted Iida to know that he wasn’t alone, and that he wanted to help him. So he started packing extra cheese for lunch and giving it to Iida. Iida was very confused at first. But this was Aoyama trying to court him. This was only made apparent by momo and Jirou telling Iida that this was aoyama’s attempt at expressing romantic interest.

Aoyama flirts with everyone, that’s just who he is. But with Iida? Oh it was tenfold. The poor boy was red in the face constantly. Aoyama was a persistent little bugger too, following him around and calling him ‘mon amour’

Kirikamideku:

My dearest traffic light trio, I’m love them

They train together, and kiri and kami always appreciate izuku’s analysis snd ideas

Kiri falls even more in love with izuku and kaminari when they go off on rants. Izuku rants and kami can keep up with him so he asks questions about it. Kiri loves to watch his boyfriends go on rants, I don’t make the rules, but I do enforce them

They started to get closer after kami and kiri found bakugou causing a ptsd flashback (could be on purpose of an accident, up to the reader.) they stated with him and tried to talk him through it. After this, izuku started to tell them about having been a “late bloomer” and being bullied, etc. (I don’t know, man; I tend to over share after flashbacks and after panic attacks)

Izuku tutors them in several subjects, but kami tutors them in English. Kiri just falls in love with his smart boyfriends

Izuku is teaching kami JSL and kami is helping izuku with English and Italian (personal headcanon that Italian has been one of kami’s special interests) kiri loves to listen to them, and finds it relaxing and calming to hear them do this. When he has panic attacks, he’ll ask them to tutor each other in different languages

[mjolnir-steve]

Foolish

Frank Adler x fem!Reader

Word count: 5027 (oop)

Warnings: light drinking, very brief mention of suicide, some cursing, smut (18+ ONLY!!!), unprotected sex (m/f) ... Please let me know if I missed anything!

A/N: Hi, y’all! Here’s my entry for @stargazingfangirl18 and @navybrat817’s Shameless Hoes for Chris Challenge!!!! I haven’t written smut in a LONG time, so please be gentle with me LOL. Here’s what I got:

Frank Adler

“I didn’t like the way he was looking at you.”

Breeding / mutual pining 🥴

I’d like to dedicate this to @rodrikstark for always sharing the Frank Adler feels and @sparkledfirecracker for bullying me (with love) into finishing this. ❤️

If you like this fic, please comment and reblog!!! I hope you enjoy. :)

Fridays never seemed to come soon enough. You looked forward to the beginning of the weekend as much as the next person, but over the last few months, Friday nights took on new meaning for you. You moved to the trailer park a little less than a year ago, wanting to buy a small place of your own and start making a home for yourself. It wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t expensive, and it was only a ten-minute drive from your office where you’d just secured a promotion. Roberta, the manager, helped you make it feel like home right away, insisting on going with you to pick out paint samples and providing copies of menus for the best take-out in the area.

Before long, Roberta introduced you to the trailer park’s resident certified genius, Mary Adler. Mary and Roberta spent Saturday mornings with you when you were free, which unfortunately, was pretty much all the time. You played games, sang karaoke, and even let Mary’s one-eyed cat Fred come over. He took a liking to your swinging chair in the living room, and if Mary couldn’t find him at home, odds were he somehow squeezed through your window and ended up in that chair. 

Another two months had passed, though, before you met Mary’s uncle and guardian, Frank. You came to learn that Mary stayed with Roberta every Friday night because “Frank needs time to be an adult” and she was not allowed to come back to the house until noon on Saturdays. This information made you feel like Frank must be some kind of sad, perpetual fuckboy. You were right about the sad part, not so much about the latter. One morning while Mary played with your watercolors, Roberta let slip - ironically over a cup of tea - that Frank did have the occasional hookup, but usually, he drank himself sleepy on Friday nights and just needed the time to himself. He worked himself to the bone as a boat mechanic, often late into the night because it was too hot to do some jobs during the day. Frank took Mary in when she was just a baby after his sister, her mother, tragically committed suicide. He spent the majority of his scarce free time with Mary, so when Mary was still a toddler, Roberta offered the Friday night deal. Frank countered that he would do any repairs in the trailer park for free, but she refused to let him do that work without pay, saying he deserved to have a life, too. 

She also informed you that Frank was a former philosophy professor, single, and very attractive, especially if you were into the rugged thing. You rolled your eyes with an amused exhale and took another sip of your tea. You’d be lying if you said your interest wasn’t piqued. Mary then shouted over her shoulder, confirming that she’d been listening to your entire conversation, “Frank is great, but he’s a grump. Good luck cracking that egg.” You snorted, nearly spitting out your tea, and she went back to reading your color theory book to Fred.

With that, you heard a sharp rap at the door. You set your tea down on the kitchen table, curious who your visitor might be. You didn’t know anyone else in the trailer park, or in town, really. You opened the door, taking in the sight of possibly - no, definitely - the most handsome man you’d ever seen. You quickly guessed it was Frank, judging by the grease smeared on his quite large hands. His eyes, though tired, had the same bright look as Mary’s, and he had the most perfectly imperfect fluffy hair and overgrown stubble.

“Good morning,” he said with a sweet, closed-mouthed smile. “Is Mary here?”

You had to remind yourself to breathe. Stammering, you opened the door wider, gesturing inside. “Hi, y-yes. She is!” Why am I like this? “She’s just painting with Fred. Please, come in.” You moved aside so he could fit his broad shoulders through the doorframe and then held out your hand. “You must be Frank. I’m Y/N. Mary is just wonderful.” You smiled at him, feeling the heat rise in your cheeks.

He took your hand in both of his, gentler than you’d expected. “I’m sorry. Yes, I’m Frank. It’s great to meet you, finally.” He smiled wide for the first time and you were certain you’d pass out. Who LOOKS like this? “And thank you, she really is wonderful. I couldn’t do it without Roberta. She’s family.” He smiled and waved at Roberta, who was looking at you over the lip of her mug.

Mary didn’t even bother to turn around and face Frank. “What are you doing here, Frank? It’s only 11. I have a whole ‘nother hour with my friends.” You tried to keep your laugh quiet, covering your mouth with your hand and shaking your head.

“Well, excuse me for thinking you might like to go out on the boat with me this morning. I guess I’ll go by myself.”

Mary jumped up from the floor, scrambling to clean up your paints and books. “Can Y/N and Roberta come?”

Frank crouched down to meet Mary’s eyes. “Of course they can, if they’d like.” He looked back at you over his shoulder, trying to gauge your interest, then turning back to his niece. “But do you remember what I told you?”

You could see that Mary was making a conscious effort not to roll her eyes. “You told me that my adult friends have adult lives that include adult responsibilities, and they might not always be available to spend time with me.”

“And?” he looked at her expectantly.

“And I need to invite them to do things without assuming they will do them.” She couldn’t hold back her eye roll any longer, but she made sure not to let Frank see. “Roberta, Y/N, would you both like to join us on the boat today?”

You were amazed by the exchange taking place in front of you, able to see where some of Mary’s brains and tenacity came from. The conversation between the two flowed so easily, playful yet intelligent. It was clear that Frank treated Mary not as a child, but as a person, and you chided yourself internally for thinking that was kinda hot. 

Shaking yourself out of your mildly inappropriate thoughts, you responded. “I’d love to come, Mary.” You smiled at her, bending over to help her pick up the last of the paints from the floor. “Roberta?”

Roberta gave you a look and you just knew she planned this somehow. “I actually do have some of those adult responsibilities to handle today, but thank you for inviting me.” You sent a glare in her direction, quick but no less scathing. “Maybe next time.” She winked at you before washing out her mug and saying her goodbyes.

You spent the whole rest of the day and night with Frank and Mary, doing everything from building sandcastles to cooking dinner together. Mary eventually fell asleep in your lap as you were watching Oliver & Company, Frank’s favorite Disney film that had become Mary’s, too. “An underrated classic,” they told you in unison.

You helped Frank put Mary to bed, a task made easier after such a tiring day. “I guess I should get going.” You stood awkwardly in the small kitchen, unsure of yourself and painfully aware of how close your hand was to Frank’s resting on the counter.

“Yeah, I have a job early in the morning.” He looked down at his shoes, unable to look you in the eye, and you wondered if he hadn’t found your company as enjoyable as you’d found his.

“Listen, I don’t know if you’ve been to Ferg’s? The little bar down the road? I go every Friday night just to relax and have a few beers. Maybe you’d like to come with me next weekend?”

Is he asking me on a date? You could feel your heartbeat racing. The look on your face must not have matched the excitement you felt at the prospect of spending time alone with the dreamy, kind, sarcastic man in front of you. 

He felt like an idiot when you hesitated to answer. He clearly read everything wrong. He had to fix this. “It’s a good place to meet people, you know? I know you’re fairly new to the area, so if you’re looking for more local friends, it’s a good place to start.” He winced, hoping you couldn’t sense his embarrassment at thinking that you would want to go on a date with him.

You swallowed, trying not to let your disappointment show outwardly. Of course he’s not interested in me. Stupid. “Oh, yeah! That would be great, Frank. What time?”

Frank let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding, relieved that you didn’t seem offended by his offer. “How’s 7? I’ll pick you up? We can walk over together.”

And that’s how Fridays came to mean so much to you. Almost every Friday for the last six months, Frank met you at your door and you walked to Ferg’s together. Frank told you it would be a good place to make new friends, but you paid no mind to the other patrons. You only had eyes for each other, yet neither of you could see it, even though Roberta pointed out (repeatedly) that neither of you had taken anyone else home in all that time.

The more time you spent with Frank, the more certain you were that God was real and your life was His favorite trainwreck reality TV series. Even if you could have customized a dream man Build-A-Bear style, Frank still would blow your creation out of the water. He was smart and funny, not to mention an adoring parent to Mary, to whom you grew more attached each day. He was kind and thoughtful, talented and hard-working. Although he was a grouch, as Mary would say, he always was sweet to you. He took a genuine interest in anything you had to say, whether you were venting about work or filling him on the latest episode of whatever show you were binging. He was ridiculously sexy without even trying. All those hours he spent doing manual labor in the sun did wonders for his physique. You’d only seen him completely shirtless on one occasion, and the image of him with sweat dripping down his chest was burned into your memory, fueling your late-night thots and causing you to break out your vibrator on what was now a regular basis.

Six months had come and gone in the blink of an eye, and you’d begun to accept that Frank didn’t want to be anything more than friends with you. You decided tonight was as good a night as any to talk to someone new, to start letting go of your unrequited feelings. 

You swapped out your usual jeans for a sundress, t-shirt bra for a push-up, and lip balm for lipstick. Putting your phone and some cash in a wristlet, you considered wearing your new strappy sandals. The walk to Ferg’s was about five minutes each way down a sandy road, though, and memories of the sticky floor inside aided your preferred pair of Converse in their victory for the night. 

Just as you finished tying your shoes, you heard a knock at the door. You adjusted your cleavage and fluffed your hair a final time with one last look in the mirror. Here goes.

Frank felt like he had the wind knocked out of him in the best possible way. He suddenly felt entirely underdressed in his aloha shirt, even though it was his go-to for nights out of the house. He’d never seen you dressed so nicely when you weren’t going to work. 

You were the kind of beautiful that didn’t require makeup. Your natural hair always framed your face perfectly, even if you didn’t think so. He thought you were adorable when you were concentrating on something, blowing your hair out of your face with a huff. Visions of your soft curves made their way into Frank’s dreams on more than one occasion. He had seen you in your swimsuit several times, sunbathing with Roberta and swimming with Mary at the beach. It wasn’t even all that revealing, but it accentuated your figure in ways that forced Frank into needing a cold shower or two. Above all, though, he admired your heart. You’d allowed Mary into your life without hesitation, spending time with her because you wanted to and allowing her to ask all those questions that Frank just wouldn’t be able to answer. It killed him that you didn’t see him the way he saw you, a perfect partner for him and a worthy maternal figure for Mary.

“Frank? You okay?” Your concerned voice shook him out of his thoughts, prompting him to close his mouth which apparently had opened wide in astonishment when you stood in the doorway.

“Yeah, um... You look…” He looked a little confused, his brow furrowed and lips pursed. “Why are you all dolled up? It’s only Ferg’s.” He wished he could’ve kicked himself in the teeth when your face fell at his question. He rubbed a hand over his face. “Shit. Let me try that again,” he nearly begged, running up to you to stop you from going back inside. “You look really nice, honey.” He ran his calloused hand up your forearm, but quickly returned it to his side when he realized what he’d done. “Is it a special occasion, though? Should I change?”

You gave him a watery smile, given that you were three seconds from slamming the door in his face and crying. “That’s better. Thank you.” You lightly pushed at his shoulder, trying and failing to ignore the electricity you felt at the contact. “No occasion, though. Just thought maybe it was about time I actually introduced myself to someone new.” 

You couldn’t quite read his reaction. Little did you know he was certain he just felt his heart physically crack in his chest. “What do you mean?”

The two of you started walking, the tension between you thickening the very air you breathed. “Well, when you first invited me to Ferg’s, you said maybe I’d get to know some other people in the area, right? But we’re always with each other. I’m sure you’re itching to talk to someone other than me. I don’t want to hold you back.”

“Ah. Gotcha.” Frank abruptly reverted to the quiet, distant state he usually occupied before he met you. He sped up a bit, walking ahead of you and desperately attempting to school his features before you caught up with him.

Frank practically ran to the restroom, not slowing down even to hold the door open for you. You took a deep breath and rolled your shoulders, relaxing before entering the bar. Normally, whoever made it first would order drinks for you both, but Frank made it painfully clear that he had no desire to be in your company tonight. You ordered your usual, an Angry Orchard with a shot of Fireball in a tall glass. The combination tasted like apple cider, but the burn in your throat was caused by liquor rather than heat. It was strong enough to get you buzzed, but not so strong that you’d be stumbling home. You swallowed half the glass in one gulp, wanting to feel the warmth in your veins boosting your confidence as quickly as possible.

“Y/N? How are you?” You turned around, eyes meeting those of Jamie, your coworker. He leaned in for a hug and you accepted somewhat reluctantly, having interacted with him only in passing.

“Hey! I’m all right. What’s up?” You smiled at him, taking another sip of your drink. Jamie was not very subtly staring at your chest. You weren’t crazy about him, but the attention felt nice, so you allowed it.

“Not much. Just happy it’s Friday, ya know?” He looked around for a moment before returning his attention to you. “You’re usually here with that mechanic dude, right?”

You stifled a laugh thinking about how Frank would react if he heard himself referred to as “dude” by this prick. “Yeah, he’s around somewhere. We’re just-“

“-Just friends?” he finished for you with a hopeful look.

You nodded in response, looking him up and down. He was no Frank, but you couldn’t deny he was handsome. It had been so long since you’d even been kissed, and though you hated to admit it, you were touch-starved. One night couldn’t hurt, could it?

Meanwhile, Frank was splashing his face with cool water. He couldn’t believe he’d fucked up so royally. He was sure you didn’t want him how he wanted you, and now he was sure it was too late to tell you how he really felt.

He knew from the moment he saw you that he’d never get you out of his head. Roberta had been talking you up to Frank for weeks, but he wanted no part of it, mumbling something about there being “a reason why no one used matchmakers anymore.” He had no choice but to make your acquaintance when he was looking for Mary, and he’d never been so happy that Roberta could say she told him so.

Later that day at the beach, Mary approached him while you were dozing on a towel in the sand. She sat on his lap and reached for his face, using her pointer fingers to turn the straight line of his mouth up into a smile. “Roberta says you have a ‘charming’ smile, Frank. We think you should use it more.” He chuckled quietly, careful not to disturb you, and pulled Mary in close, planting a wet kiss on her cheek. She grimaced at the feeling, dramatically wiping at her face until he let her go back to reading with Fred.

The sound of the jukebox starting up cut short his reverie. He had to get out there and explain himself. Frank dried his face and hands with a paper towel before smacking his cheeks and stretching his neck back and forth to each shoulder. 

Frank exited the restroom only to find some douchebag staring at your ass as you leaned over toward the bar. He saw red when the piece of shit held out his hand behind his back while his friend slipped a twenty-dollar bill into it, seemingly winning some sort of bet.

Jamie didn’t stand a chance when Frank stormed in between the two of you. “That’s IT,” he yelled, so intense he borderline bellowed. He threw whatever cash he had in his pocket on the bar to pay for your drinks before he pulled you outside, almost getting to your door while you fought against his grip. He only stopped when you spun your body around like something out of Dancing with the Stars and jumped in front of him, forcing him to catch you.

“Jesus Christ, Y/N, what are y-”

“-What are YOU doing, Frank? What the fuck was that?” You put your feet back down on the ground but remained facing him, arms crossed over your chest.

He groaned in frustration, suddenly realizing he actually had no clue how to respond. “Fuck.”

You looked at him, tapping your foot in anticipation.

“I didn’t like the way he was looking at you.” He rubbed at his temples in the way he did when he felt a headache coming on.

“And how was he looking at me, Frank? What does it matter to you?”

“He was looking at you like you were a piece of meat and I… FUCK!”

You both turned when your neighbor opened his window. “Can you kids keep it down out here?”

You waved bashfully at the old man. “Sorry, Mr. Parker,” you said in unison.

“Come inside, Frankie.” The nickname that typically made him roll his eyes at you never had sounded sweeter, now that its use confirmed you didn’t hate him for the scene he made. You both toed off your shoes at the door before you made your way into the living room, motioning for him to sit next to you on the couch when he tried to sit in the armchair across the room.

You leaned forward, pinching his chin between your thumb and forefinger. “Now what’s going on in that sun-damaged brain of yours?”

He let out a laugh so soft you almost missed it, but you were glad you didn’t. Sitting back against the arm of the couch, you pulled a pillow into your lap and hugged it, giving Frank your full attention.

Frank cleared his throat, doing his best to accept that it was now or never. “That guy was leering at you, and it pissed me off. You deserve better, Y/N.” He pried your fingers from where they were locked around the pillow to hold your hands in his.

“If you want to meet new people, that’s great. If you don’t want to be with me, that’s a little less great, but I’d understand. He didn’t even pay for your drinks. And I th-”

You covered his mouth with one of your hands, and he knitted his brows in confusion. “You’re making it sound like it’s an option to be with you.” You were in disbelief, side-eyeing him, waiting for Ashton Kutcher to announce that you were, in fact, being Punk’d. 

The corners of his mouth lifted into the soft smile he reserved for you. It was the same one he gave you whether you were on a tangent about how “Obsessed” by Mariah Carey is “the single greatest diss track of all time” or you were helping Mary put a harness and leash on Fred “just to see how he’d do” on a walk.

“For a distinguished professor, you’re kind of a dummy, Frank.” You took his face in your hands, thrilled to be feeling his stubble against your palms. Before he could talk back to you, you kissed him, unsure how you denied yourselves such a simple yet extraordinary pleasure for so long. It only took a moment for him to relax into it, his hands removing the pillow between you before finding your waist and pulling you almost into his lap.

You deepened the kiss, threading your fingers through his hair. He pulled away first, pressing his forehead to yours. “Seems like we’re both dummies, huh?” 

You were going to ask why pulled away until you looked down to see a considerable tent forming in the front of his jeans. You laughed as he pulled you into a tight hug, one arm wrapped around you while the other hand held your face against his neck.

You kissed the side of his neck softly before leaning back to look at him. “All this time? I thought you didn’t see me this way.” You held his face, stroking his cheeks with your thumbs. “You asked me to go to Ferg’s and then said I could meet other people, so I thought that was it, you know?”

He covered your hands with his and pecked your lips softly. “Honey, I thought it was the other way around. I was trying to ask you out and you looked like you’d seen a ghost.” You giggled, spluttering a bit because tears had started falling at some point. He wiped your tears away before swiping his thumb over your bottom lip, pulling it down a bit. “We’re fools, aren’t we?”

You nodded slowly and Frank saw something wicked flash in your eyes before you took his thumb in your mouth, sucking lightly. “Jesus, honey.” His length hardened underneath you and you could feel the wetness beginning to pool in your panties, prompting you to grind down into his lap.

You released his thumb from your mouth, pressing your chest into his before kissing him again. “I think we’re only fools if we don’t take advantage of the rest of your adult time.” You removed your dress easily, returning your hands to Frank’s shoulders to push off his shirt.

He surged forward to kiss you again, working magic with his tongue against yours. You wrapped your legs around his waist and he picked you up, walking you into the bedroom. Placing you on the bed carefully, he removed your bra and panties before pulling off his boxers and jeans in one go. You thought you wanted him before, but now that you could see everything he’d been hiding under his baggy clothes, you didn’t see how you could ever let him leave your bedroom.

The next few minutes were spent exploring each other’s mouths while Frank stretched you with his fingers. You didn’t think you’d ever been so wet in your life and thought you might pass out if you didn’t feel him inside you immediately. You gave his cock a few strokes before sliding his head through your folds, coating him in your slick.

“Waitwaitwait, honey. Do you have a condom?”

“You don’t need one if you don’t want one. It’s okay.”

He looked like you just gave him tomorrow’s winning lotto numbers, taking a deep breath to steady himself before he looked at you again. “Oh, God. Are you sure?”

“Mhm. I wanna feel you. Make me yours?”

“Anything you want, honey, but if you change your mind, just tell me, okay?” He lined himself up, seconds shy of entering you for the first time.

“I figured if you were gonna be possessive of me tonight, you might as well take it the whole nine, Frankie.” You laughed as he let out an exasperated sigh. “Seriously, though, I’m clean, I’m on the pill, and I’ve wanted you for a long time.” You reached up to scratch lightly through his chest hair.

“The only thing I wanna hear right now is you moaning for me.” He drove into you harshly, but waited a moment for you to adjust once he was seated to the hilt. “So damn wet and tight for me, honey. You’re so perfect, so beautiful.” He kissed you again before he began to move, slowly but surely making you lose your mind.

He dipped his head down to take one nipple in his mouth, then the other, effectively shutting you up and emptying all thoughts from your head. He nipped at the swell of your breast, soothing the bite with his tongue. “Fuck, Frank, please!”

“Please what, honey?” He picked up his pace, fucking into you so vigorously you moved up the bed. “Tell me what you need.”

“Make me cum, Frank. Please, baby, I need it. Need you,” you cried, leaning up to bite into his shoulder, stifling your moans.

“I wanna hear you, Y/N. I wanna hear those pretty moans while I’m making this perfect pussy cum for me.” The combination of his filthy words and the sight of him sucking on his own fingers before rubbing at your clit sent you over the edge, making you scream his name over and over again for what felt like forever and not long enough.

You could tell he was close, his hips stuttering and losing their rhythm. He began to pull out, unsure if you were willing to let him finish inside you, but knowing he was too close to wait for an answer.

You hooked your legs around his waist and pulled him close, pushing him back into you. “Fill me up, Frank. I wanna feel all of you. Please give it to me,” you whimpered. His release triggered another for you, chanting each other’s names surely loud enough for the neighbors to hear. 

He stayed inside you as you both came down from your shared high, gingerly flipping you over so he laid on his back with you on his chest. He kissed the top of your head, fingers fluttering up and down your sides. 

“What’s on your mind now, Frankie?” You looked up at him through your lashes, mildly terrified of the answer.

He looked down at you with the most adoration you’d ever seen, lifting your chin so your eyes met his in the moonlight. “That wasn’t too soon, was it? You mean so much to me and to Mary. I don’t wanna mess this up. I don’t ever wanna hurt you. You’re the best thing in my life besides Mary, you know that?”

You kissed his chest before looking back up at him, smiling. “First of all, I would argue that wasn’t soon enough.” He hissed as you clenched around his still softening cock inside you.

“You’re evil.”

Winking at him, you continued tracing patterns on his chest with your fingers. “Second, that all kinda sounds like you might be in love with me, Frank Adler.”

His hands stopped moving for a second before he responded. “Would you run away if I said I am?”

“Well, I wouldn’t run away. This is my house.” You thought your heart might explode in your chest.

“I didn’t even say it, but I take it back,” he huffed, throwing his arm over his eyes.

“What if I told you I felt the same way?”

He grinned, sitting up to kiss you feverishly on your cheeks, the tip of your nose, and finally your lips. You could feel him starting to harden again inside you, leading to round two of… well, you lost count.

You ate breakfast and showered together in time for Frank to return home before Mary did, agreeing to talk more later and to hold out on Roberta for a while.

Frank stood on your doorstep, leaning in to kiss you once more. All of a sudden, you heard a familiar meow and thanked God you were dressed and not in your robe.

“Frank, what are you doing here? I thought I’d come see Y/N since I’m not supposed to come home until noon.”

You bit your tongue to keep from cackling. Frank ran a hand over his face, his blissful bubble burst. He was getting you a hotel room next weekend.

[sylviesanctum]

     [ Howdy guys Thought I’d give a bit more of an update on things for anyone curious. Warning: it’s...not very positive and has a lot of me complaining but uh...what else is new, eh?

     So I’m still working on getting Cocoa comfy with me milking her. She IS getting a lot better, but also still has a ways to go, too. Due to lack of funds and time and resources, we don’t have an actual area set up to milk her in, aka a stanchion. I might try to build something out of scraps this weekend when I can have help. The biggest thing is her still being nervous and wanting to move, and having a stanchion (which is basically a stand with sides and a front / back to hold her in) would help tremendously. Before she calved she was fine with me touching her, but I think the stress and lingering pain of birth is making her antsy, so...we’ll see how that goes.

     On that same note, milking is...pretty much killing me OTL Since she moves so much, I can’t really make use of a stool, so I’ve been kneeling and squatting, and lemme tell ya...doing that for any extended amount of time is hella painful :’D My butt and my thighs and my knees are just...(no pun intended) on their last legs. My arms are also pretty sore from reaching, and my hands are dying cuz her streams are just so small, it takes forever to get anything out. But I have to keep up with it.

     If a cow doesn’t keep having milk expelled, be it by milking or a calf suckling, she’ll dry up, aka stop producing, and...we can’t afford to have that happen: we NEED the milk to save money buying it, let alone the byproducts we’ll be able to make. it’s the primary reason we got her (even tho I have a feeling I’m paying about as much in feed as we would for milk but...semantics I guess). And before she dries up, she can develop mastitis, which is inflammation of the udder due to having too much milk at once, and that can lead to infections which is obviously...not good. And since we don’t have her calf to help keep her down, it’s all on me, which...obviously I wasn’t planning on. I might have to break down and invest in a milker cuz this is killing me @~@ But again, if I had a proper area, I’d be fine...I think. I just figured she was so comfy with me before I could do it in the field, but...a lot has changed since then.

     So for now I’m just kinda...dying, ahaha. My left knee (which gets the better angle to work) is red and swollen and...not happy. I tried switching but it makes reaching SO much harder, which in turn makes my arms more tired. So there’s really just...no winning right now. And I’m the only one she’s comfy enough with that she’ll let touch her. Just...gods, I really, really wish the calf wasn’t stillborn. Between upsetting her and having that to fall back on to keep her milk down (let alone the extra income it would have been), just...wow it’s really hurting. Let along upsetting. But...nothing I can do about it now.

     So in short, if I seem crabby (I’m trying REALLY hard not to be), I’m just...really frustrated and upset and in a lot of pain and just...not where I thought I’d be right now. In a lot of ways. Life has already been (excuse my French) really shitty the past 5+ months, and I wasn’t expecting this on top of...everything else. I try really really hard to keep my head up (and keep my complaining to Twitter), but I’ll admit...the last few days have me really, really down. I’m trying to out-stubborn it and keep my mind elsewhere, but that’s proving harder than I thought. So forgive me if I’m slow, or moody, or absent. I’ve just got a lot on my plate right now and as much as I want to be present and happy-go-lucky, even I can’t manage it ALL the time.

     That said, for anyone turning in from the RP sphere, I’ll be keeping more personal thoughts / updates to this blog, at least regarding this situation. I don’t like getting TOO personal about my home life since a family member (at least last I heard) stalks me online. I don’t like them snooping into my business. So unless I make a password protected blog to keep them out, I won’t get too far into things, but...I don’t wanna clog up my RP blog with stuff that’s not RP, nor do I want to sympathy pander. This is meant to just be an update with a side of venting. Though internet hugs are always appreciated~

     Anywho...gonna try to get some writing done, I guess. No idea if I’ll be able to wrangle my brain, but I’ll try. See y’all soon~ ]

[safely-crazy]

All right, story time mother fuckers

So buckle up and get ready because this is a load of shit.

First things first, y’all need to know how my job is laid out (I work with ice cream and coffee) and where I’d be standing and shit. that’s in the following diagram.

Now, when I work, I’m mostly behind the counter, which is labeled with ice cream, register, coffee, bakery, and fridge. And as you can tell, I don’t got a shit ton of room.

Anyway, I’m workin Tuesday, and it’s usually hella quiet. Like, I could sit in the back writing a novel for a good portion kinda dead. However, this particular Tuesday, a group had called ahead that they were coming in with a group of like 20. Now I’m workin alone, but I’ve done shit like that before. And it was easier bc it was all on one tab. So, fine whatever. I gotta start preparing for that shit. Restock and clean and all that fun stuff.

Of course, that’s when it seems to pick up, again I don’t mind. It’s nothing crazy so far. Just easy orders of a scoop in a cup or a 16 oz coffee. But it’s busy enough where people gotta wait a lil bit.

So I’m goin thru the orders and I get to this family of 5 or whatever. Their kids want a couple shakes and a cookie cone. Still relatively easy, just extends the waiting period. They end the bill with two single scoops of nuttin better ice cream in waffle cones. Nuttin better is a type of dark chocolate with nuts in it. Not too complex.

Now, the thing about some ice creams is that they can be friggin soft. Like they melt a bit quicker than the others. Nuttin better is one of those ice creams.

Anyway, that family pays and walks outside to sit at the tables. The kids are happy and shit and I’m dealing with the rest of the line. That’s when the group of 20 comes in. They all had simpler orders. I think the most complex one outta that was two scoops on a tiny little wobbly sugar cone. So I get thru them, no problem. But now I got another bit of a backup. Again, don’t mind. They’re being nice about. And as I’m helping the next few, I see those nuttin better people outta the corner of my eye. And I’m thinking, okay maybe they want a spoon bc people do that. And they’re waiting patiently so I’ll just keep helping these people.

Anyway, I get thru another 4 people until it’s ‘their turn’ so to say (they actually were in line again). And the husband is all like, ‘hey so there’s something a little weird with our ice cream’ and he kinda clarifies that it ‘feels weird’ or some shit saying it has a weird texture. So I tell him, in my customer service voice, some ice cream is softer and sometimes it kinda depends on where they’re situated in the freezer. Like, if they’re next to the vent or whatever, it’ll harden a bit quicker, but if it’s toward the middle it’ll get a bit soft.

And he goes ‘is there something you can do?’ And I told him again, ‘like I can’t control it, some ice cream is softer’ and his faces just starts to look disgusted and he kinda puffs out his chest (I may be exaggerating, but that was his attitude) and says ‘well, this is not what we were expecting. We’ve been here before’ and my stupid self decided to say ‘I know’ but i don’t think he heard me considering he kept talking. ‘And it’s never been like this.’ 

I LITERALLY CANNOT CONTROL ICE CREAM and they’ve already taken a bite out of their cones so I can’t exactly dump that scoop and put in a new one. And because they’ve taken a bite, I can’t comp them anything or make them a new cone without them paying for it, like if they dropped it or something (new boss, new rules). And the guy just keeps lookin more and more disgusted. Like I’ve just barfed all over him and his ancestors. And you don’t just walk away from a situation like that, gotta avenge your ancestors, at least that’s what he seems to be thinking.

And at that point I’m just shrugging my shoulders bc I literally can’t do anything about it. But this guy apparently thinks I’m Elsa or some shit. And at this point his wife kinda speaks up, but she kinda only says, a bit softly, ‘really?’ And again I’m like, ‘I’m sorry, that’s just how the ice cream is.’ Of course the husband ain’t takin any of that. But instead of yelling (lemme remind y’all, people are still waiting to order their shit, which is now reaching a little before the door) this fucker and his wife START to walk toward the door, but the dude decides ‘let’s show how i was betrayed and incredibly offended and how indignant I am BY THROWING HIS CONE ONTO YHE FUCKING REGISTER’!!!

And then he leaves. And I’m just stunned for a moment. Then I kinda sigh, bc customers are still around, and I throw the cone out.  But this dude who was in line waiting, bless this boy, was jaw dropped wide eyed and turns to me and said ‘That sucked!’ And again, all I can do it shrug before trying to take the people’s orders again.

But the thing that really pissed me off was the fact that this place was filled with KIDS! And this own dude’s KIDS were outside. And his fuckin wife didn’t stop and think ‘oh ya know this is just an ice cream cone. Do we really need to be upset?’ (And I say wife bc she was mostly calm thru the whole thing.) And even then the dude thought it was MY FAULT the ice cream was a tad softer. Like get off your damn high horse and eat your ‘horribly textured’ ice cream. I feel sorry for you kids at this point.

I will say there is some irony in the fact that the ice cream was called Nuttin Better. But that’s just me.

TL;DR A major douche thought I was Elsa and could magically made his ice cream better. When I couldn’t, he decided to throw ice cream.

UGH food business

[aliceellablog]

CBT 1 - Alice 0

16/11/2017

So I'm fucking miserable and I'm gonna write about it. If you don't wanna hear it (don't blame ya!) don't read! And if you do, well…. Misery loves company eh!!

So last blog I explained how rubbish things had been and that I’d made the decision to really be positive (LOL) and be really dedicated to doing CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and GET (graded exercise therapy) to try and get a bit better and have more consistency.

Well I fucked that right up didn’t I!

I've really been trying and have made no progress. I guess I haven't got any worse at least... but you're meant to do your baseline amount every day (in my case a 25min walk) and NO more and then build very slowly from there each week-

I messed it up so many times all for various reasons - some of them unavoidable like being in hospital and them making you walk around 5 different bloody floors giving in different blood samples and forms etc, some like being stuck in a queue in the supermarket (should I just leave the trolley there and then go home with no food?) and then days when I felt so ill I didn’t make it out the house... man it's tricky.

So anyway, a month in and I am still trying to have 4 good days in a row where I do 25 mins walk so that I can then increase! -

However, now I'm in bed with a throat infection / coldy thing and it'll prob be a while before I get back to it. Balls!

I've been reading lots about other methods of getting better from this thang (M.E./C.F.S), and a lot of them include positive thinking so that you don't get worse or aggravate your symptoms by releasing the bad chemicals when you're stressed or upset... I agree with this but I am just finding it too hard to be positive at the moment…and like, I know I have a proper actual illness so is thinking positively actually going to make me better??

It's like I am constantly TRYING to be in denial because whenever I allow myself to actually think about the reality of what my life is right now I feel genuinely heart broken.

When someone says to me 'how are you today?' How am I meant to reply to that?? Most of the time I ask them how they are instead or skip the question and that seems to always work... but it's really weird like, if I say 'I'm ok thanks, you?' It's like I don't want them to think I'm fine because I am so NOT ok!!! And I want them to understand obvs…. but then I can't say the truth every day? Cos I'm sure it's not fun to be my friend and deal with this all the time #awks -

But then why do I have a NEED for people to understand?? Why do I care so much what people think about me? - I think that’s why I find it hard to do the positive thinking / lightning process thing as you have to literally lie to people - reply to the how are you’s with ‘Yea I’m great thanks’ and hide it all. AH! My head is such a mess... I’m sure I sound genuinely mental right now... but I kinda just feel like giving up. 

I literally have friends who I have reached out to and told just how bad I am feeling - even cried down the phone to them and they are obviously as nice and as caring as they can be at the time, but once they hang up of course they are back into their own world (as I am mine) and I don’t hear from them again. 

I think it’s a really tough position to be in, because its like, the more often you are unwell / stuck at home etc, the more you need people to be there for you, but the more wearing it is on them. 

I don’t blame them - it’s like the friend who keeps getting back with her ex even though you are there for her through every breakup and keep telling them not to - (by the way I have SO never done that.....) LOL... where was I... yea so it’s like ‘not again!’ in peoples heads, but I’m not doing this on purpose!!! 

Thing is, I know I have SO much - family, friends, a roof over my head - (although to be honest not necessarily for long as I have no income and... well...rent!) - food, water, I can most days look after myself - (shower and cook for myself etc) - but I just don't feel fulfilled, or happy.

I feel so fucking miserable. There I said it. I hate it - I can't do the one thing I want to (my career) and it's because I'm not well enough!

Like, it's just so frustrating. And then when I have little good patches I'm so bloody desperate that I start booking in sessions or gigs and then having to cancel them or doing one and then being so tired after (I'm talking weeks in bed) that I wish I'd never have done it!!!

It's been a few weeks now since I did a really cool nail-art job, and even that has completely messed me up. So even though I’ve had to put the singing and songwriting on hold and try and focus on being a nail technician and working from home, I'm starting to face the same problems- like getting awesome opportunities with THAT career and then being frustrated that I can't do them either!!! UGH!!!

I wish I had like, just normal problems… does that sound weird?? Like I wanna be upset because a boy I like isn’t texting me or because my boss is being a bit of a dick, or I twisted my ankle playing tennis (RANDOM) But instead I’ll listen to my friends (rightly so) complain about all that kinda stuff while my head wants to explode. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’m the only one with real problems, and I am only comparing myself to the friends and family I see or speak to like all the time, or to the classic ‘instagram life’ I trawl through every day... I’m just venting, and that’s whats on my mind- which is kinda the point of this right?? 

Is everything relative though? Its so shit because I think I should feel lucky for all the great things I DO have in my life, but then when you feel so unwell all day every day, its really hard to do that.

Even the smaller things have been harder more recently too, like the one time my friends and I all booked in to go to the cinema together, guess what?? I wasn’t well enough to go. The one time it's something I should be able to - it's a bus straight there and back, and then being sat down the whole time, and I just didn't feel up to it at all. Fuck sake. Although…. They did say the film was shit lol.

Anyway, I do want to ask y’all some questions while I have you here!! - Has anyone reading this had M.E. and got better? Or know anyone who has?

And if you have a chronic illness, how do you cope?? How do you learn to accept it and be ‘happy’?

Oh, I’ve got a good one… how the hell do ya pay rent when you’re not well enough to work but too ‘well’ to pass that bloody PIP benefits health test thing - (bloody wankers think that because I can lift my arms above my head I am obviously well enough to work a full time job..yep… that’s how it works!)

Ugh, anyway… is it weird that I feel better for writing all that?! I'm not sure, all I hope is that anyone reading this that really can relate feels less alone. That's another thing. It's so lonely and you are the only person who truly knows how much you are struggling and the only one who can find that inner strength to carry on. But we HAVE to. I think of the people who truly love me and how much love and support they give me - I carry on for them, and in the hope that life will turn around some time soon...

So for now I will carry on with CBT / GET every day - once I get over this stupid coldy thing, and maybe 2018 will be my year eh? ... ok I say that every year and look what happens 😂🙈 

PLEASE message me if you’ve read this and wanna chat :) It makes me so happy to hear from ya and kinda gives this whole thing a bit of purpose :) x 

My website: www.aliceella.com

Instagram: @aliceellagram

Nail art instagram (accepting bookings now!): @aliceellanailart

[thelowartgloominati-blog1]

Net Neutrality Talk (what the hell just happened?)

Okay, so y’all probobly already know about the FCC’s vote today to undo Title II Net Neutrality protections passed by the Obama administration in 2015. To put it simply, Net Neutrality means that ISPs have to treat all websites the same, no preferential or detrimental treatment, no throttling one sites bandwidth, and most importantly, not providing “fast” or “slow” lanes to one website or another based on which site is willing to pay more for preferential access to users.  There’s been a bit of talk that without Net Neutrality in place ISPs will begin selling their internet packages in cable-like tiers and charging users individually based on which websites or type of websites they visit. This is probobly not going to happen, at least not out in the open. Oh, there’s gonna be gating, but it won’t be so cut and dry, it’ll be much more insidious, these are tech companies we’re talking about here. You need to get inside the mind of these CEOs and corporate politicians, they want you to go on surfing without even consciously realizing anything has changed, aware people make for angry people, angry people aren’t profitable in the immediate sense. Changing everything like that day one would be a pretty bone-headed move on their part. See, the idea behind ISPs wanting to get rid of Net Neutrality is more about making more money off Google, Netflix, Facebook, etc. themselves, and more importantly bolster the sites that play the most nice with them (read: pay them the most/have corporate ties with them), whilst stifling out competition cropping up in order to maintain their monopolies (can’t have any actual CAPITALISM now can we?). Example: Remember ‘Ello? Yeah, that invite-only thing everyone said was going to kill Tumblr and then disappeared after 20 minutes? Well, let’s pretend for a second that it was relevant, and it was looking like a serious competitor TO Tumblr. Well, you know who owns Tumblr? Yahoo! You know who owns Yahoo? Verizon! So they have vested interest in keeping Tumblr the only micro-blogging game in town. So in this scenario, without Net Neutrality making this action illegal, if Verizon is your ISP or has corporate ties to it, they could slow down access to ‘Ello and speed up access to Tumblr, so you’d keep on using Tumblr instead of using that slow ‘Ello site. And lets say they do the same thing with any other site that doesn’t want to or can’t pay a fee to the ISP to get into the fast lane, and keep it’s consumer base. People have short attention spans, they will, 9 times out of 10, move on to another site if the one they’re on fails to load after a few seconds.

THAT is the real danger here, it’s not a question of will you be able to access XYZ site anymore without paying, it’s can XYZ site afford to pay bribes to the ISPs to keep existing at all. So, in the immediate future, you don’t need to worry about losing your venting platform for mental health stability, you’re not losing your ability to do homework or look for jobs, and don’t tell Reddit because their misunderstanding in this regard has been instrumental in getting the word out on NN, but you’re not losing your porn either. You’re probobly not losing much that you would REALIZE you’ve lost. Because the things you’re losing DON’T EXIST YET. I’m not worried about Facebook, Google, Amazon, Tumblr (definitely not Tumblr), I’m worried about the sites that could have been the NEXT Amazon, the NEXT Facebook, but now can’t because they can’t afford to be put into the priority lane.

Anyway, the FCC’s decision is very unsurprising. We’ve known that the FCC had been in talks about this ever since Trump appointed former Verizon lawyer Ajit Pai as the chairman of the FCC (yeah international readers, industry-regulation revolving door corruption is 100% legal here in the states), and it’s been pretty transparent that the whole idea behind doing so was for this purpose specifically.  Even before that, when Obama’s FCC put those regulations into effect many of us called it early on that when a Republican (or a corporate enough Democrat, at this stage I don’t really put much moral stock in almost any american politicians) eventually got back into office this exact thing would happen. What’s more, it’s very likely that once the pendulum swings the other way, NN or NN-like provisions will be re-adopted, since this is largely a party line thing, and then we’re right back where we started.

And THAT, my friends, is the real kicker: Net Neutrality is about to become a back-and-forth issue. That’s the kind of issue where it keeps getting enacted and rescinded with each presidential administration of either party, with it getting a little more extreme every time it comes and goes, repeat ad-infinitem. There are many examples of these sorts of issues and legislation, indeed when Trump got into office the very first executive orders he passed were rescindings/re-implementations of back-and-forth issues that dated back to as early as Nixon (The Nixon Administration is actually where a looooooot of our modern political climate started, but that’s another topic) It’s gonna become a Democrat vs. Republican, Red vs. Blue, LIberal vs. Conservative, party line issue (even though it’s really not, a vast majority of Republicans do not support the repeal of NN either, it’s mostly just the corrupt “representatives”), and it’s going to almost become routine for each admin to volley the ball back to the other side.

So yeah, you might only really have to deal with this for 3-7 more years, then it might go back to what WAS normal before for 4-8 more, then back again, and each time that pendulum is gonna go a little bit further...

Is there a way out of this? YES!... but it won’t work.  If Congress stepped in and passed actual Legislation (remember, the FCC doesn’t pass laws, it just interprets guidelines based on existing law) that contradicted or actively voided the Net Neutrality repeal that would override whatever the FCC has to say about it, however that would be congress’ department, and even though good ol’ Mr. Jones brought it to a narrow 49 - 50 the Republicans still hold the majority, so not until 2018 at the earliest on that one, and even then it could still fall victim to the pendulum dynamic. It could also be challenged in court (which is already happening), but the FCC can keep appealing all the way up to the Supreme Court, and since this is largely the same supreme court that made the Citizen’s United ruling... let’s just say your future is murky.

So yeah, TL;DR, we’ve lost the battle, and the war might rage on for decades to come. Kind of a bleak takeaway, but it’s kinda where we’re at right now.

[shhhselah]

Mack Daddy OG BooThang

Sunday, January 20, 2019

1:28am

Pretty, isn’t it?

It’s the kind of place I’d imagine going on a honeymoon. Like, what man is going to take me here, and where he at? Cause no, really....where he at though? 

Ya know, I realized something a little while ago. Like, legit just a few minutes ago lol. It’s a prayer I’ve prayed for years, but am finally in a place to receive and see it. Check this out, y’all: 

God is dumb romantic and He’s like....the greatest player of all time. Except God ain’t no player. Oh no, baby, no. He’s the whole GAME.

And you know what?

He’s playing for keeps.

Yeah. That’s right. You heard me. Peep the title. Y’all thought that was just to draw you in? Tuh. (It was.) But I was being oh so sincere and trying to let y’all in on the real. God got the game on lock, because He is the game....and the lock for that matter! Lemme break it down, aite?

Ladies. What do we want in a man? That varies, I know; but essentially, we want a man who will protect us and provide for us. Someone who will pay us attention and take us out, who will make us feel special, who will open up and be vulnerable with us. A gentleman, who will love us unconditionally and make us laugh. Someone who can lead, who is observant and honest, kind (and a little dangerous/edgy, shhhhh), and who can cook and dress. Someone who we can be our most authentic, vulnerable, chill selves with and shares our same beliefs values and principles. Right?

And fellas. What do y’all want? Lemme see. A woman who is strong yet submissive- can cook, bake, and clean properly; take care of the kids, keep a job, and have her own ambitions; stay loyal and true; be willing to talk, listen and just be silent at times; can kill any outfit, kick it with the fellas (and actually fit in), be secure in her place and not jealous (but a slight attitude is fine cause y’all love a challenge and bit of fiestiness); and shares your beliefs, values and principles.

We both love a lover who can not only balance, but challenge us and make us better. Cause, at the end of the day, your partner is a God-given tool used to continue to shape, prune and grow you. (And give you comfort, but the list goes on, so moving forward.) Isn’t it amazing that God encompasses all of those qualities?

Selah.

Think about it.

How romantic is God? He is so ready to sweep us off our feet (man and woman). He wants to woo us and take us out on lavish dates. He desires to fly us out to exotic places and teach us new languages. He loves to listen to us rant and rave, vent and process, reflect and respond. He adores Netflix and chilling with us! He taught you how to be fly. He gave you the courage to start that new fashion trend. Honey, He blessed those meals you thought were about to be trash lol. He constantly, constantly constantly desires to be around us and watch us, listen to us and talk with us. So yes, He wants to take you on dates and take care of you while you’re sick and whisper sweet nothings to you. He promises to heal you and lift you up when you’re down and spoil you abundantly. 

Fellas, He protects you and rides with you, stays loyal and true to you- stays silent when you don’t wanna talk and inputs when you need to hear it. He guides you, even when you- metaphorically and literally speaking- don’t wanna stop and ask for some got dang directions. He’s the reason you have drive and motivation, suave and swag. Please. Y’all thought y’all taught y’allselves that. Go sit down.

The Lord is on a mission to love us, and love us fully. He did it when He died on the cross and raised Himself back up and opened His arms for us to run into. But everyday, He wants to start anew.

This is something He showed me a week ago and it is so beautifully mind blowing- *inserts journal entry here*:

(Sunday, January 13, 2019- 9:27pm)

Jesus calls us His bride. And....I like that. Yeah. It feels indicative of something. Like, after marriage, we stop saying "Bride," and switch to "Wife." For some, this is an honor- a time of transition and settling into what's finally permanent. It’s like, for years (or months) you all have been building up to this point, and it's finally here. “She is my wife now. Officially. Forever more.” And that's super exciting!! Super giddy and inspiring! But it was something about a deacon at my God sisters’ church, calling his wife his “bride-” after 8 months of marriage- that really got me. Something about that word usage really struck me. It reminded me that Jesus has never called us His “Wife.” But His Bride. The Bride of Christ. Bone of His bone. Flesh of His flesh. It's kinda like He's telling us that He's always in the honeymoon period with us. That our reunion with Him is always and will forever be fresh to Him. Everyday we are at the first day, the big day- standing right there at the altar. And you know what, at first, I low key felt like that was because He recognized how fragile human loyalty is. He knows how temporary the flesh and its decisions are. It's like Jesus officially calling Simon, "Peter." Graduating him from Flimsy Reed (which is what “Simon” means in Hebrew), to Rock (what Peter means in Hebrew). And that graduation only came because of the Father's influence, revelation and power. By his-self, Simon wasn't enough to become Peter. The reed could not transform into the rock without the Potter making another vessel out of the clay. Jesus told him, "Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by flesh and blood, but by my Father in heaven." (Matthew 16:17) Only God's power could bring about the upgrade, the transformation. And like us, without God, we can't be consistent and sturdy, set like rock. We're too flimsy! So Jesus calls us His "bride," because everyday is the wedding day with us! To me, it seemed that He called us this because everyday is a choice to not run from the altar and this union, to stay united and faithful. To not divorce or cheat with other desires and opportunities and people.  But then I realized something. He accepts us afresh and gives us His, "I do," every single day. It's why the Word says His mercies are afresh each morning. Because His “I do” for us is afresh and renewed every morning. Calling us His bride isn't really about our flimsiness, but His willingness and desire to stick by us, no matter if we run. So yeah, everyday we can choose to not leave the altar, but, ultimately, His love is what keeps us from running and what brings us back even when we do! His arms are always open. It's His kindness that leads us unto repentance. So yeah. We are His bride because He marries us and our issues, our shortcomings and flaws and everything stinky, "ugly," evil, weak, and broken in us every day. He says "Yes. I do." with joy overwhelming. Every. Single. Time. His joy never dims. His Yes never dims. Unto eternity.  

What a Sweetheart He is, right? Yeah. God looks at you- yes men, you too- and sees His bride, the church. And every single moment of the day, He gives us His unfailing, fully devoted, enthusiastic, “Yes! I do!” And it will never die. It will never fade. It will never lose that enthusiasm. 

Have you ever felt like you were too much for someone (or the world) and yet simultaneously felt like you just weren’t enough? I have. Often. But that feeling is so against what God intended for me or any of us to feel. God isn’t afraid of your scars. He isn’t afraid of your “ugly side,” your vulnerability or anger, your past or your addictions. He isn’t afraid of your sex life or your cussing habits, your jail time or your insecurities and need for control. He’s not intimidated by you. He isn’t overwhelmed or disgusted by you. 

He wants to spit game to you all day, everyday. Game that will have you leaving them boys and birds alone and settle in for 7:30pm Bible Study on Tuesday night cause ain’t nothing sweeter than your God’s presence. Game that will have you looking at these dudes’ pick up lines like dog poop, cause you’ve read Songs of Solomon. Aaaaannd you let the Lord reveal to you what He thinks about you, so they 3 seconds of acknowledging your fat booty or “gorgeous smile,” just don’t measure up.

I’m telling y’all, God is spitting game at y’all that will give you wisdom and skills to get a promotion at ya job. Who you know that can do that??? What book did you read, what girl did you date, what club did you go to, what sport did you play that gave you the discernment, skills, confidence, and Holy Spirit advantage to go up the ranks at your work place and achieve your dreams while getting checks and coin? Huh? Huh? Huh? Okay cool. I’ll wait.List em out below, please.

All I’m saying y’all, is that God really is the OG Mack Daddy Boo Thang forreal! 

He’s a, “Foreva eva? Foreva eva eva eva?” “True playa forreal, that’s my homie forreal,” sort of love. 

Read the Songs of Solomon and just peep the Shakespearean game this King of all kings is throwing down. Read the Proverbs and the Psalms and the Gospel and just know how your Bae looks at you. 

How He tweaks for you to call on Him. The way His eyes twinkle when He hears your voice or your laugh. Educate yourself on His promises to rain down only the best on you like His name was Ashanti. Research His promises to do right by you, make you better, and luv you betta like His name is LL Cool J. Cause you know Ladies Love Cool Jesus. Let yourself be whisked away on the greatest bae-cation of ya life. 

Because everyday will be the honeymoon when it’s #BooThangAndYou.

Selah.

*Oo, and sidenote: Ladies, stop calling these fools “daddy,” and get with the real Zaddy. Okay? Bloop bloop.

[shortywiththebuttons]

This bouta be one long ass typo filled vent.

First and and foremost I just added HELLA people specifically People from my African diaspora on this. I’ve had it since high school so 2010 I’m in University now . nice to meet you all 🤷🏿‍♀️✊🏿😝 my name is Ro . I’m super open to conversation questions whatever.

I added mad people because I organize ,politically im no pro or anything,I don’t even know what I’m doing 1/2 the time I just do what’s in my heart and he’ll I guess every small step I make makes a difference.

I’m currently in the process of getting a sexual assault resource center built in Isla Vista California which is an unincorporated area behind the University of California Santa Barbara ...I want all contractors to be from marganilized backgrounds and ultimately I’m gonna have this project be a community collective.itll be a long term project and it’s currently in the beginning stages and the meetings are going well but given I attend a PWI I’d like outside support and more energy from my people to continuously push for this to be created . Scrolling my page you’ll kinda see the shit I’ve been dealing with and where this comes from. However I’m currently slowing down THIS video BELOW ...making it onger and more detailed

https://youtu.be/c-yKepzDwzY

But editing is depressing triggering and frustrating and I’m on some Kevin gates Aint shit gone make me sad today type stuff so it’s not going well. I currently just need to add audio to the lengthened version and I’ll be fine to share it.. But audio means watching it and choosing a song and perfect timing so yeah...I hate reliving the stuff .but eh I hope you like the video I’ll post the update ASAP . I actually move out of CA soon APRIL so it’ll be before I leave to embark on this random traveling experience I have planned 👌🏿🙆🏿‍♀️

My main goal socially is to be as real and open as possible up until around May 2017 I was mad timid to speak up but once the shit happened it just did .

(I was drugged and raped by someone who knew me and was invited over and nah he wasn’t white he was in our diaspora. Despite being on video drugging me ,admitting I wasn’t conscious during his acts and all this other sick shit that is in the video posted as well as the slowed down version...Santa Barbara did not TOUCH THIS SICK FUCK . Specifically he lived on the same street as the foot patrol and they never even went to question him . Never went over evidence so never caught the drugging I had to analyze my own evidence see my drugging send it in turn in all physical evidence myself because she never went to the crime scene and some more dumb shot . He’s on surveillance pushing me into my house because I can’t move and he’s also on surveillance attempting to touch me and I fight back . He admits I bit him in resistance and bleh I’m getting trigger ...well look they had all of this PLUS WAY MORE evidence and nothing 🤷🏿‍♀️ .. the gag is until I had a sit in months after my rape we FINALLY got a sexual assault detective on Isla Vista ..THIS MEANS WE NEVER HAD ONE THEREFORE THE PERSON WHO WAS ON MY CASE WAS NOT A DETECTIVE TRAINED IN SEXUAL ASSAULTS. That’s why he did shit ass backwards and didn’t get evidence or blah blah . He did a pretext for a confession and still didn’t make an arrest or attempt to question this rapist . So I had to go public . 😒

The system did me even grimier and in addition so did the African men I spent a lot of my time around before this incident who just happened to be the idiot rapists housemates . The story is actually pretty sick.

Like niggas was like” we weren’t really friends like that “ “you just met is” and some more shit ,but drove or rode in my car got they hair done by me niggas cooked together went wherever niggas dead ass all ran together the only difference was I’m a female and I was the one who was drugged and raped . Lol I knew that house a good 5 months . And when you serving 4 years in college that’s a long time especially when y’all all seeing one another tops 5 days a week . But it’s cool lol I swear that shit happened and fucked my mind up for a while . Until I got over the fact that Im a protector , I’m used to protecting people . Even after being raped I tried to protect this individual from the system but seeing myself be drugged in my house as someone sickly plots and has all the sickest reasons as to why ..

I had Inglewood out there and we ain’t lay a finger on ANYONE and EVERYONE WAS HOME and available but I wasn’t trying to see anything happen .protector ...some call it dumb ... but honestly any reaction that would’ve deviated from what I did up to now would chance my current circumstance ...and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t fine RN. 🤷🏿‍♀️ ptsd depression here and there but honestly IVE BEEN KICKINGASS , saving and changing lives as well as I don’t have any fuck people around me . It’s so easy for me to cut people off now and keep people I feel ANY KINDOF way about away from me ...and I’m more open basically I PROTECT ME MORE AND ...that’s what’s great for me ...so I needed it all to get where I am so eh.

A: I don’t forgive or have any care for the person who drugged and raped me . That’s the only place I didn’t grow . People say I should work on that ...I literally have dreams of killing him though so eh🤷🏿‍♀️ it’s the whole premeditated buying a drug putting it in a drink and handing it to me at the specific time I was distracted and the entire plot really . Walking me in public drugged to make you seem like a saviors and saying you noticed it hit 😒 staying after raping me , like moving my body from a living room to my room like dragging me or whatever the fuck you dieting afterward and only moving after I post the video publicly like you really wanted to live your life regular as a rapist after attempting to ruin mine . In all honesty as you said your first thought was you thought the drug was going to alter my feeling for you and make me like you ..it only knocked me unconscious and inhabited my brain from having any memory and you stilllllll decided to be sick . .

-the best thing for me is I have no memory of being raped , I don’t even have a memory of me leaving the house only waking up and asking all the questions I had getting the answers I needed and reporting so that’s why I’m so open about it ....it hits a sensitive spot as far as anger and disgust but I would literally be dead if I was conscious or aware of the encounter .

Alll of that I added in the end it was the vent I guess .)

and yeah . Whatever so socially I’m tryna educate Africans not to feel obligated to be a savior but to look out when shit like this happens. Because not reacting not doing anything and really any thing else

I never asked anyone to pick sides , never asked anyone for help. But acting like you ain’t know someone you seen on a daily and being fearful or whatever it’s not and never was that deep. I don’t see how anyone has a mother and can let or be aiight with shit like this happeneing and not be proactive .

But I’m alive you’ll see from my blog that worse shit has happened since then and even before . so I focus my pain elsewhere and my energy into activism and advocacy. Shit no one handed to me when I needed t most ✊🏿☝🏿

http://endrapeoncampus.org/centering-the-margins

Here’s my story

http://www.theburningspear.com/2017/12/RoShawndra-VS-the-University-of-California-Santa-Barbara

It’s also more stories about whatever white people wanna say about me in Santa Barbara newspapers and my case and what I’m doing , but this is the one I approve of because it was written in the Burning spear and this is such a monumental and important news paper in our community so yeah.✊🏿❤️ I really love US.

Periodically I post videos call campaigns calls to join political organizations (that are grassroot orgs and funded by our people) and yeah that’s basically my public professional appeal. I use a lot of profanity idk why but yeah I curse like a sailor I was introduced to grown folk conversations at a young age cursing was apart of my male dominated upbringing so 🤷🏿‍♀️ shiiiit I just curse a lot from time to time .

I’m a member of the African National Women’s org. Or ANWO and we’re an organization that was created by request less than half a decade ago to bring African women into the political atmosphere. Our one goal is FREEDOM . UHURU to any comrades or future comrades reading this , I hope in your daily struggles you see the symptoms of colonialism and mobilize to dismantle this colonial system .

I have NOT AND DONT PLAN on watching black panther . It’s not apart of my agenda rn but If my job requires me to take my residents to the movies it’ll probably happen ...I’ll get to the job stuff later. . Basically from my current understanding the villain in the film had “political views” similar to Malcolm or Huey or Marcus Garvey and it should be known by us ALL THAT THESE MEN WERE ONLY AEEN AS VILLIANS HISTORICALLY BY WHITE SUPREMACIST AND COLONIZERS AS WELL AS THOSE COLONIZED PEOPLE WHO REFUSED TO RESIST ...so I’m not spending a dry penny or sitting in a theatre to watch some bull shit . Wakanda must fall dear . THERE is no freedom in a colonial system and we can’t move with our colonizers PERIOD. We have been tricked throughout history into being complacent and waiting on an European created GOD to come save us and give us our Paradise in death. Therefore we accept what we shouldn’t and given I’m not about to be apart of that complacent movement ...(ps I’m a religious studies major) I decide I’m going to struggle and win. Period ✊🏿

https://youtu.be/LIQioGRD1Sw

White folks need to pay reparations so yeah share this link also if you don’t mind

https://www.uhurusolidarity.org/

White solidarity with black power 💕

Some talks/events I’ve participated in or held

https://www.pscp.tv/w/bVfPFDFQWEVkbWVCWU9iUWV8MWRqeFhkZ2RiUEx4WpjQiVNCw8SGGbKJP7IkRiwM1SuoQnT-Oar94sFnraqo

https://www.pscp.tv/w/bVfPjzFQWEVkbWVCWU9iUWV8MVJER2xuVkVhbWd4TBAgTafg3086N-ST4efXtgBbzFU6VOSI9yuHJ4V1dmE8

https://www.pscp.tv/w/bVfPzTFQWEVkbWVCWU9iUWV8MW5BS0VXblZNUmxKTClihPl8eVewKBG7TwSC2FcIZkc0BiJcYgkAkLrQX_7Z

[mari0016]

Open Letter to the People Who Care About Me (6)

Hey....I’m back. I know it’s been a while...a long while actually. I think the last time I wrote a letter to you all was back in December. 

Well a couple of things have changed since then. Are you busy? Do you have enough time to read this? Are you comfortable? Well go ahead and get comfortable, take a seat, get some coffee or tea, relax and prepare to learn more about me. 

Last time I checked in I was having some money issues. Well that hasn’t changed much, but I’m working on it. I have another job now, a part time job at a gas station across the street. It’s honestly not as easy as I thought it would be. I work the over night shift, meaning I go in at 11 pm and get out at 6 am. Rough. Sometimes it gets hard trying to balance everything in my life. There are times where I skip meals or lose sleep, or sometimes I try and catch up on sleep and end up missing a day. Still, I’m working on it, finding a balance between it all. As of now I no longer have free days, it kinda bums me out but bills don’t pay themselves. Either way, the main reason I wanted my weekends off were so I could visit my family but in all honesty, I think it should work both ways...right? I mean I don’t have a car so I can’t travel to see them but they’re more than welcome to come visit me, even if just for a couple hours. God knows if I could I would.

Last time I went into detail about my drinking problem, well as much in detail as I could anyway. Some of you reached out and asked me about it, expressed your concern, and offered your support. I want to take a moment to thank those who did, honestly, thank you. As for those of you who didn’t it’s okay, really, it is. You probably don’t feel comfortable asking, or maybe you think I’ll get offended of defensive, I won’t. By all means if you have questions then go ahead and ask me. I might have minded at first but if it helps people understand my situation and how I feel then by all means ask away. 

Honestly, my intention is no longer to keep things from you guys or lie to you. So it’s only fair that you guys know that I did have a couple of drinks on New Years. I wasn’t going to, I promise, but quitting cold turkey is hard. It started with a friend I hadn’t hung out with in a while, we recently reconnected, and she offered me a drink. I was too embarrassed of saying no and having to explain the reason why so I took it. I had two drinks that night. Honestly, it felt great. I missed it, the taste, the feeling it gave me, the smooth liquid flowing down my throat, I missed it all too much. But I only had two drinks. I had two more on New Years. NO biggie, they were just wine coolers. Had a couple more once I went back to my apartment in Campaign. Vodka Cranberry with Sprite. No biggie. I was a bit proud, seeing how I had control, how I only needed two drinks, no more. But I had a bad day. I was stressed out and I don’t even remember what I was stressing out about if I’m being honest. But I do remember having more than two drinks. I remember having more than alcohol that day. I had three Smirnoff Ice Green Apple Beverages and three vodka cranberry drinks. Oh and some chocolate fudge laced with weed. Now this may not seem like a lot but to someone like me, with a drinking problem, it wasn’t looking too good. Because then I started thinking. I wanted more. I wanted so much more. This just wasn’t doing it for me, not the Smirnoff drinks or the vodka or the weed. I needed something stronger. I needed tequila. Now here’s the thing. I’m not sure if I have said this before but my one weakness, the one thing I can never control is tequila. But before I had the chance to go out and buy some I got a call. I declined it. But I got a message shortly after. Now, even though I had posted some of this on my Snap Chat it’s important to say that I didn’t have this person on there. Yet, somehow, this person felt something was wrong with me so he wanted to check in. And I couldn’t have been more glad that he did. Because for some unknown reason to me I completely opened up to him, I vented. He talked to me until I was able to calm down a bit. He still checks in once in a while and for that I thank him. See, I’m the type of person who wants to get better on their own. But even the dumbest person knows they can’t do it on their own. Sometimes you need a little help and that’s okay. It took me a while to realize that, that I can ask for help, that it doesn't make me weak. 

Fast forward to last Friday night. I had two places to go to. Large group (connected to this Bible Study group I go to) or to a friend’s 21st birthday party. I chose neither, at first. I wanted a night in to catch up on sleep. However, I later decided that maybe I would go to this party after all. I had been so stressed lately and barely had time for friends. So why not enjoy my Friday night? It was BYOB. For those of you who don’t know, BYOB means bring your own beverage. So I bought a large bottle of Heineken beer and in a separate empty bottle I poured some cranberry juice and some vodka...okay a lot of vodka. I decided this was all I was going to drink. Clearly I was lying to myself. Fast forward to the end of the party, or at least to the part where I wake up the next morning with a terrible hangover and an upset stomach. Turns out I had much more than I thought. I started with a cup of jungle juice, then moved on to my beer, then to the vodka with cranberry juice, and somehow ended up drinking a lot of tequila. Yep. Tequila. My number one enemy. What could possible go wrong right? Well, I called my mom at 1 am but luckily she didn’t pick up. I called my former best friend but he also didn’t pick up. However, drunk me thought it would be a good idea to leave a voicemail in which I called him a terrible person and asking how he could hurt me the way he did. Thanks drunk me. No, seriously, thanks. You did me a huge favor. I needed to do that, I just could never work up the courage to do it. 

Now let’s talk about this real quick. I’m sure you all remember who I’m talking about, but if you don’t then please go back to letter 4. there’s plenty about him in that one. Anyway, I didn’t expect him to respond, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping he would. His response? A text. Not a call. A text. A simple text saying, “Lol r u drunk?” That’s what I got ladies and gentlemen. I mean this asshole couldn't even bother to type proper English for crying out loud. Oh and some of you know him and I could honestly care less if you tell him about this. Because the truth is that I DO NOT CARE. Not anymore anyway. I did before but this guy couldn’t even be bothered to ask why I had been drinking or why I had called him or why I had said he was a terrible person. HE DIDN’T CARE. Still, I apologized for what I had said and told him that although I didn’t remember the previous night, that I more than likely was drunk. He said it was okay because I didn’t say anything bad. I take it it’s not the first time he’s been told he’s a terrible person, or maybe he’s been called worse, or maybe he just didn’t care. Fine by me. So I sent him one last message. I said that the bottom line was that I should never have called him. To which he responded with five simple letters. LMFAO. Boy I don’t even know how I was ever friends with this douche. But anyway, this all made me realize that I deserve better friends. Friends who actually care about me and support me. Friends who are willing to listen and take things seriously. Now I don’t want you guys to misinterpret this. By no means do I wish him any harm. The total opposite actually. I hope he grows up and matures. I hope his dreams of becoming a writer come true. I hope he learns to value people and not take them for granted. I hope he finds peace and happiness. But as far as his friendship....well I can finally say I no longer need it. He’s just not the right type of friend for me, not the kind I need right now. But I will cherish the good memories we had, but that’s all it is now, just memories. 

Now back to what’s really important. Although, I had a minor setback, I’m regaining control. I haven’t really had any breakdowns since I’ve been back here. I mean yea I have bad days but they’re not as bad as they were before. I usually can find something to distract myself with or something to occupy myself with. There are still some days where I lay in bed thinking of all the things I could’ve done differently. Maybe if I had changed a couple of things.....I don’t know maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now. And the more I think that the less I wish I had changed things. Did terrible things happen to me in my past? Yes. Did I lose important people in my life? Yes. Did people betray me? Yes. Did I get caught up with the wrong people? Yes. Did I fail at life sometimes? Yes. But everything I have been through has made me who I am now. Someone who can take a punch or two. I’m not weak. Having depression doesn’t make me weak. If anything I’m stronger. Because even with this depression I still manage to get up most of the days. I still manage to live my life. I am still able to make something of myself. So no, I wouldn’t change a single thing. Because everything that I have been through has led me to where I am now. And I love where I am now. I have met some incredible people, I have made amazing friends, I have gained my independence, I have such a strong bond with my cousin - Wendy if you’re reading this, you are seriously the best. Seriously, thank you for being you. Thank you for being like a sister to me. Thank you for never giving up on me. - I have experienced so many great things. Champaign has been nothing but kind to me. I love it here. 

Now I really want to end this on a positive note so I’ll talk more about my anxiety, PTSD, and my eating disorder in my next letter. 

Again, thank you all for taking time out of your day to read this. Thank you for the enormous amount of support y’all show me. Thank you for the endless amount of love y’all have for me. Thank you. 

Love,

M