#this was super hard to write cos how do u start a conversation where one doesn't know what's up n the other refuses to say anything skdjskj

[rebouks]

She knew-.. Robin was sure of it.

Despite her warmth, he’d always been slightly unnerved by aunt Alma’s presence; there was something odd about her that he couldn’t quite put his finger on. Some people were harder to read than others, like Alex, but it was still possible.

Alma’s mind was like an impenetrable vault in comparison. Any attempts to feel or hear anything she did were met with a metaphorical brick wall, leaving him reeling as though he’d collided with it head first-.. but not tonight. Tonight, Alma was like an open book, and Robin was convinced she was doing it on purpose.

She’d told him all about her struggles as a child; how she didn’t fit in, how people teased her for being too sensitive, how hard it was to figure out who she was amongst the clamour of everyone else’s inner most image of themselves-.. all the while allowing him unlimited access to those very memories, like a handpicked blooper reel, just for him. Of course, that wasn’t the case though.. was it?

Alma had stopped talking now, but Robin still wasn’t sure how to react. He sat in silence instead, staring at nothing in particular for far longer than what could be considered normal.

“Can you hear me?” he thought, deciding to try a little experiment.

Nothing. Okay, so she couldn’t read his mind-.. then what the heck was she getting at? How had she so succinctly summed up his entire existence in less than fifteen minutes?

“I would’ve liked somewhere as quiet as this when I was young, it’s a shame we didn’t have an attic…” Alma offered, clearly trying to relate to Robin’s situation in any way she could. He still wasn’t entirely sure why, but she clearly wanted to help, and Robin didn’t know anyone else who understood him as well as she did, so perhaps he ought to let her try. He finally abandoned his switch and cautiously joined her atop his favourite, motheaten couch.

“What’re you getting at?” he said bluntly, curiosity getting the better of his manners. Alma chuckled softly, “You’re just like your father.” “It’s genetics, apparently…” Robin let loose a brief grin, glad to be compared to Oscar.

“I don’t know how exactly, but you’re different, Robin-.. and I thought it high time you knew you weren’t alone, and that we can’t let these things get the best of us.” Alma smiled softly as she spoke, but Robin was still too wary to be completely transparent. “We?” he asked, dubiously. “We’re few and far between, but you’re certainly not the only one who’s a little.. special, shall we say? That’s better than different, maybe?” Alma suggested.

Robin hummed thoughtfully, shaking his head, “Special is just another word for different, or weird.” Alma scoffed playfully, “And what’s wrong with being weird? I’m weird-.. we’re all a bit weird!”

“How’re you weird?” Robin asked, squinting at Alma accusingly. “Well, I can sense things I certainly shouldn’t be able to.” Alma started, excited to be getting somewhere. “Emotions radiate from people like a space heater-.. they’re not always pleasant, of course, but I can soak them up if I want to.”

Robin blinked, “Only if you want to..?” “Uh-huh.” Alma nodded. “You can block it out?!” Robin spluttered, suddenly and completely forgetting to maintain his ignorance before swiftly correcting himself. “I mean-.. it sounds like you can pick and choose, right?”

Alma nodded once more, “It wasn’t easy, but I spent a lot of years practicing.” “Years?” Robin sounded crestfallen. “I didn’t have a mentor…” Alma winked.

Robin allowed himself to smirk, figuring he might as well drop at least part of the act at this point. He was still a little nervous about being approached about such things so brazenly, but at least he knew why Alma perturbed him so much now, she was blocking him out on purpose-.. and she couldn’t read his mind either, which was always a plus.

The last thing he wanted was for anyone to know that he possessed that particular ability. Who’d want to hang out with someone who could access their inner most thoughts, the one’s they’d never dream of saying out loud? He shuddered involuntarily, hoping he’d never meet anyone that could read his.

Clementine finally nudged Robin, dragging him back to the present with her ghostly touch. “She looked right at me just then-.. she smiled! Did you see?” Robin spun around, realising that Alma had almost begun her descent. He must’ve missed her goodbye. “Wait!”

Alma paused expectantly, causing Robin to second guess himself and retreat into silence. “I won’t be far, sweetheart-.. whenever you’re ready.” Robin shivered as Clementine poked him again, “She can definitely see me…” “Can you, uh-…”

“See the ghost poking you?” Alma giggled, sounding far younger than she was. The vault doors had snapped shut again by now, but Robin got the impression that aunt Alma was just as excited as he was to find someone else who was weird. “Can you hear her?”

“Maybe-.. though I’m quite sure she hasn’t said anything yet.” Alma peered at Clementine expectantly. “Hey!” Clementine exclaimed as Robin tried to shove her into action, his hand ending up halfway through her waist instead.

“What? It’s not like you can feel it.” Robin snorted. Alma laughed heartily, thoroughly amused. “Well, I heard that-.. you two are good friends, huh?”

Robin nodded slightly, releasing a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. “I thought I was the only one who could see her-.. that maybe I was going insane…” “Far from it, honey! You hit me up whenever you feel like it, okay?”

Previous // Next

[cazimagines]

Just wanted to say that I really appreciate everything you write, and maybe could you write a NSFW alphabet for Laszlo? Hope you're having a good day!!

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

He is just the sweetest! He will be checking to make sure you are okay, that you feel satisfied, and then he would be so loving. Whispering words of kindness to you about how amazing you were. He would try his best to help clear you up as well and then hold you in his arm as you fall asleep.

B = Body part (their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Boobs. He loves your chest and he loves to rest his head on them during the day and then during sex smother his head in them, kiss them etc. He just can't get enough of them. He finds everything about your body beautiful but those he just adores.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

As contraceptives were very rare for that time if you didn't want to get pregnant he would have to pull out (please guys don't think that pulling out is a good way to prevent pregnancy it isn't) he enjoys seeing his cun fall on your body, dripping down you. It does however excite him to no end when you do let him cum inside you and then he sees it dripping out of you, showing how you were his.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He has masturbated to you. He's ashamed of it because it isn't gentleman like. Gentlemen should be able to resist their urges, wait until marriage but he just can't help it. You are so beautiful and because of his arm, he doesn't think he'll ever be able to be with you so he resorts to that instead.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

He is not experienced at all. You would be his first time. He knows what he is doing though... roughly. He's read many books about it, he knows the inner workings of a man and a woman, he knows where all the best spots are for you, he knows exactly what to do to bring you the most pleasure but he doesn't have the practical experience and reading from a book is quite different than to put it in practice and therefore he would feel quite awkward at first.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Having you on top, riding him. Any position where you are on top he loves. He feels a bit guilty as he doesn't want you doing all the work but he loves being able to look up at you, see your boobs bounce, and in this position, he can make his deformed arm at least hold onto your leg whereas other positions his arm is basically useless.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

He's very serious, he's a romantic at heart and therefore it would be a romantic experience for both of you so there isn't much space for humour. If something accidentally goes wrong such as clothes getting stuck on you or something he wouldn't laugh it off but start panicking.

H = Hair (how well-groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

He takes pride in his appearance, his bread is always well-groomed and he tries to keep down below well groomed as well but it's harder for him with really only one hand of use. As for overall body hair, he has some on his chest, arms and legs but it isn't a lot.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

He tries to make the moment so romantic because he wants to show just how much he loves and adores you. He'll be whispering lots of compliments to you, stroking and touching you all over. He might even try to make the scene romantic by bringing some wine to the bedroom.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

As mentioned before in D he does masturbate but he feels guilty about it afterwards, but he can't stop when he sees you about and he thinks he can't have you. After you two start courting though he doesn't as why masturbate when he can have you.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Something we have discussed on my blog before in headcanons and what I will eventually make into a one-shot is that Laszlo has a mummy kink. The books already confirmed for us that he has mummy issues so it isn't a far stretch. He loves being praised and being called a good boy. He wants to do anything to please you and make you feel good so that you might reward him. He loves your breasts and he loves to suck on them, it brings him a sense of comfort as he does so. And of course, he loves to refer to you as mummy.

He also loves being told what to do. He gets so anxious and worried, doubting himself and that can affect him in the bedroom so when you take over and start telling him what to do, what you like he will instantly do just that and love surrending his power over to you for you to order him to do whatever you want him to

L = Location (favourite places to do the do)

Bedroom. He's a traditional guy, times like that are saved for the bedroom. It is after all the most comfortable place for both of you. However... if the urge comes over you two at the institute, and it's a big need, he doesn't mind pushing you onto his desk in his office, having you sit on it so that you two are facing each other as you go at it

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Honestly, he loves you so much and has been deprived of touch for such a long time that you could the simplest of things and he would instantly be turned on. But somethings that really get him going is if you win in a debate about something, like for example the correct quote from one of Shakespeare's plays, your intelligence really turns him on especially when you use it against him or prove it to him that you know something better than him. Referring to him as stuff as well like 'good boy' while making him become really flustered makes him so turned on.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn-offs)

Degradation, he loves you so much he couldn't cope with being rude or insulting you, even if that's what you wanted, he would feel so bad about it. He also doesn't like slapping or spanking you, not only does it trigger memories of his childhood he doesn't want to hurt you like that, even if it was for your pleasure.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He loves giving oral, he has studied female autonomy so he knows exactly what goes on down there and where everything is, he knows how best to stimulate you and get you quivering to his tongue and his fingers. He loves to please you and he finds it easier than traditional sex because of his arm. He does enjoy receiving oral as well but he would never ask you for it. Only if you bring it up would it ever happen. He likes running his fingers through your hair though as you go down on him, as even with his deformed arm he can gently put his fingers in your hair and move your head gently.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

For the most part, they are slow and sensual, he wants to treasure the moment and savour it so he likes to take his time to feel all of you, experience all of you, but when he gets in one of his moods sometimes he really needs a fast and rough moment with you to get all of the stress and build up tension in him out, but those happen rarely as he is worried about accidentally hurting you while doing it.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Quickies are also very rare, like said above he wants to take his time with you, while quickies can be fun he doesn't experience as much joy as he might when he takes things slowly. However, when you two go at it in his office they are usually quickies as you are both at risk of having someone walk into the office at any moment.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Only if you discuss what you want to do beforehand, and when I say discuss I mean have hour-long conversations about it. He needs time to prepare himself if you would like to experiment with something. And even then he might not agree with it, he doesn't practically like taking risks especially if something negative could come of it.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Around twice, he has moderate stamina but it can be affected by what position he is in and what he is doing, if he is on top he might not last that long because of his arm, he finds it hard holding all his weight on just one arm when he is on top of you. But in other positions such as when you are on top, his stamina can much longer.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

He doesn't own any toys but if you had any he wouldn't be opposed to using them, depending on what toys they were. Because of the time, it was harder to access such things and they were a lot less developed so he would prefer just more traditional sex without them but if you wanted to try them he would be willing.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He doesn't like to tease you much, he might say something suggestive to you hinting at what he would like to happen tonight but that is as far as it goes for him, however, he loves it when you tease him, it makes him super flustered and stuttering on his words as his mind can only think of you and what you have said but he loves it.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

He actually moans and groans quite loudly, he loses himself in the feeling of being inside you that he forgets really that he is making noises, he just wants to express how you are making him feel and that comes out in the way he grunts and groans into your neck or breasts as he feels himself getting closer to his climax.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

He usually likes to have sex before bed, enjoying the passion in the night, letting go of the stress gathered from the day and just relax being with you pleasuring you and himself but he also likes starting off the morning with it as well. You might wake up to find his lips already on your neck, sucking a hickey onto your neck, his fingers already tracing down your legs and edging towards your core.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

He's a little on the larger size dick, but he would blush at the thought of ever bragging about it. It would certainly be enough to fill you whole and make you feel the most amount of pleasure.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Higher than he would like to admit. After spending such a long time alone thinking he would never be a woman he craves you touch almost every moment, he needs to be in you, you feel you around him, but he also doesn't want to wear you out so he tries to restrict himself but it still ends up being at least five times a week.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He tries to stay up and let you fall asleep first, truly he does, he wants to watch you sleep and just admire how perfect you are but having sex can tire him out quite a bit till he accidentally falls asleep first, and you find it adorable watching him.

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[kim-bobbae]

37. “Can I kiss you?”

So I read a prompt on twitter by @kisuckverse with this particular insta story of Jay and it goes:

When you’re friends with Jay but lately he’s been extra clingy to you and kind of giving hints that he likes you, and so you guys go out with your other friends and you ignored him because you don’t want your other friends to notice the tension between the two of you but then it pissed him off seeing you having fun with your other guy friends but can’t really tell you about it because you guys are technically not together yet.

And I immediately thought that I had to write it!! But it took sooo long ‘cos I was struggling with the ending (sorry in advance if it doesn’t meet your expectations, I tried TT) and finally, FINALLY, I’m posting it. It turned out longer than I thought it would though and now I feel a little empty after finishing it but I hope y’all show it some love!

“Let’s get the rest to join us, they tend to give us a discount when Chansung eats with us,” You suggested. 

“How much do you plan on eating? Why would you need a discount?” Jay teased, and you could already picture that annoying grin of his. 

“My fight’s over! Let me be, will you,” You whined before he gave in, his obnoxious laughter echoing through the phone. 

It’s been a week since your fight was over and this being your first loss, everyone at the gym had been super supportive of your recovery journey. It wasn’t the prettiest of fights, unfortunately, having suffered a fractured arm and numerous bruises on your face but you held out as best as you could. Everyone knew that – they saw that – and being the only competitive female fighter in the gym, the guys took extra care to make sure you were coping fine from checking in on you to taking turns dropping off food and supplements at your apartment. 

With most of your injuries healed enough to be out and about, Jay had suggested taking you out to dinner and if it weren’t for the fact that he had been either dropping by your place to deliver your favourite ice cream or calling you every other day – ‘just wanted to make sure you’re doing alright, that’s all’ he’d say – you would’ve readily agreed by now. After all, despite the comfortable friendship, you don’t remember hanging out nor speaking with him this much outside the gym, ever. Sure, there were the occasional team dinners post training, but to say that the both of you had gotten significantly closer over the week due to his multiple visits wouldn’t be an understatement. 

“I’ll pick you up,” He told you. “Be there in twenty.”  

“Jay, it’s just a fifteen-minute walk away from my place. With the time you’d take to get here, I’d already be there,” You reminded him, struggling to fill your brows while you wedged your phone between your ear and shoulders. 

“It’s along the way from my office.” 

“No it’s not,” You stated, his navigator instructing him to make a u-turn in the background a dead giveaway. 

“Stop being difficult and let me pick you up! This isn’t a question” He said, his tone going an octave higher in frustration before letting out a soft chuckle. “I’ll see you in a bit.” 

A part of you appreciated all the concern that he had shown you and it made you feel almost special, yet this was precisely the reason you felt the need to keep your distance and emotions in check. This is Jay we’re talking about, not just any guy from next door – for you to think his kind gestures meant something more? Oh, the audacity… 

Thing is, you never really came to terms with the fact that yes, you had a big, stupid crush on him. The thought of the other fighters teasing you relentlessly about it if they were to find out gave you all the reasons to put on a chic front to mask the butterflies you felt whenever he came to the gym and the nerves that pooled in your stomach each time he came to watch you fight. 

But with how much alone time you’ve been spending with him as of late outside the gym and in your apartment, you simply needed a logical reason to distract you from thinking that maybe, just maybe, he was interested in you, too. Not that you were complaining – your long time crush was actually visiting you at your place and being your listening ear – but after losing a fight though? All beat up and shit? There was no way – impossible, really. 

Anywho. He got his way with you, picking you up for a short five-minute drive down to the said restaurant where he had noticed you were quieter than usual, spending most of the journey staring out of the window. 

“You okay?” He asked, breaking the silence. 

“Yeah,” You shrugged. 

“Lies.” 

You turned around, furrowing your brows at him, “What?” 

“Something’s obviously bothering you,” He said, then turned his attention back to the road. 

“If anything, you’re the one that’s bothering me.” 

“What did I do now?” 

You sighed, slumping in your seat and for the rest of the drive he let you be, occasionally sneaking glances at you each time he turned to look at the side mirror. 

“Tell me about it,” He said in a soft voice, pulling on the hand brake at the parking lot. 

“I’m just feeling a little…lousy? I guess,” You hesitated. “I mean, the thought of facing everyone who had literally put aside everything to help me train for the fight only to let them down is just…not the best feeling.” 

“It’s not your fault,” He reassured you. “You did your best, and that’s all that matters.” 

“But I slipped up…” You trailed off, involuntarily sulking as you lowered your head. 

He pressed his lips in a tight line, and after some consideration, tapped on your knee for you to look up at him, “You did really well, trust me, and the fact that you held out for so long was admirable.” 

In response, you merely sighed once more, “…why are you so nice to me?” 

He stared at you for a second, his expression contorting to one that screamed ‘what?’ before he said it himself, “Cos you’re my friend, and I’m nice to all my friends.” 

There was silence in the car as he awaited your response and you studied his expression for a bit. He looked genuinely confused, and at this point the word ‘friend’ repeated itself over and over in your head and you were embarrassed to admit that it somewhat pricked your heart a little, just a little. 

He cocked his head seeing that you were not responding, and that was when you snapped out of your trance. 

“What’s up?” 

“Nothing,” You whispered, gathering your belongings before forcing a smile. “Let’s go.” 

His eyes narrowed, watching as you got out of the car and started walking towards the restaurant. 

For a minute he pondered over the conversation you guys had, and after thinking back on all the nights he spent at your place throwing his gym sessions out the window as he binged on ice cream with you while you cried in your blanket and the one time he offered to help change the dressing of the stitches on your face all because your incessant tears messed it up, it clicked. 

Was he being that obvious? 

He liked you, he knew that. But it certainly wasn’t part of his plan to reveal it to you any time soon, especially not now when he knew that it was only normal that you needed your own headspace coming off a loss that you’ve trained so hard for. 

You had always stood out as an attractive, independent lady and there was no doubt you had piqued his interest over the years that he had gotten to know you. Despite your tough and charismatic exterior whenever you fought, you were no different from all the other girls outside of the octagon – from manicured nails to eyelash extensions, you enjoyed it all. But he found that side of you adorable, to say the least. He’d watch the way you’d shred your opponents to pieces, then complain about your chipped nails once it’s all over and it amused him to no end. The fact that you pursued what started as a mere hobby competitively all whilst running a successful boutique café as your main job only made him admire you even more. He simply thought you were, well, cool, and it wasn’t very often that he felt that way about his love interests. 

Seeing all that, it was difficult for him to watch you break down upon losing your fight. Witnessing this vulnerable side of you was new to him, leaving him at a loss of what to do and unknowingly, he had found himself in a situation where he wanted to protect you that much more, and he showed exactly that because without even realizing it, he had gone out of his way amidst his commitments to comfort you. 

Most of the guys had arrived by then, and seeing that there was an empty seat left between Junyoung and Seungmin, you slid yourself right in, a little relieved having barely escaped from having to sit beside Jay for the rest of the night. After all, the past week wasn’t very useful in helping you keep up your usual persona in front of him. If anything, how close the two of you had gotten only made it all the more difficult and the last thing you wanted was to spell it out for everyone to know that yes, you were hopelessly in love with this very attractive man. 

On the other hand, Jay seemed to have noticed this and despite being a teeny bit disappointed, he took a seat a few seats away, not without glancing at you once more. 

Being accustomed to his loud antics made it noticeable that he was being quiet and unreadable all of a sudden, and a part of you started regretting your stupid decision to confront him earlier because seriously, what were you thinking, kicking up a fuss over your wishful thinking that Jay Park would be interested in a girl like you. 

There was no doubt some unspoken tension between you and Jay by now but other than the fact that the both of you were speaking much less to each other than the usual (not that anyone else really noticed), the rest of the dinner went by rather smoothly, everyone cracking a hell lot of jokes for hours on end to celebrate your recovery. 

“You said you’ll teach me how to ride it!” You exclaimed, pointing to Seungmin’s skateboard while he flaunted some tricks at the parking lot where everyone was exchanging their goodbyes. 

He laughed, “Not now, your arm’s in a cast!” 

“But you can hold me,” You whined, looking at him with puppy eyes which caught Jay’s attention, his eyes flickering towards you almost instinctively in between his conversation with Chansung. 

Seungmin gave in eventually, holding on to your uninjured arm as you wobbled helplessly on the board and with the way the both of you giggled uncontrollably at how silly you looked, the whole situation was indeed quite a spectacle. 

“Junyoung! Support her from the other side!” Seungmin chortled. 

Junyoung snickered, and with your arm in a cast, he supported you by your waist, the three of you shaking with laughter as with the rest of the guys as they watched on. 

At this point, Jay was not pleased, biting down on his lip and furrowing his brows as he watched the way you squealed despite putting yourself in a stupidly dangerous situation. Perhaps he was over reacting, but seeing how much fun you were having with the other guys while you spent the whole of dinner somewhat avoiding him did make him feel somewhat jealous as much as he hated to admit it. 

“Ya! Stop playing! At this rate she’s gonna injure her other arm!” Chansung yelled. 

Sunyoung tittered, approached you guys as she helped you down the board, “C’mon guys, we should start making our way home, it’s late.” 

“Do you have a ride home?” Junyoung asked. 

“It’s just a short walk away, don’t worry about me.” 

“I’ll walk you home then,” Seungmin offered. 

But before you could reply to him, Jay interrupted, “I’ll give you a ride home.” 

The walk to his car was awkward to say the least despite your hardest efforts to shrug off his unusual behaviour and to make it worse, there was a thick silence that engulfed the both of you as you guys entered the car. He didn’t say a word as he set up the navigator and got comfortable in his seat and the fact that he pretended not to notice how you were looking at him only asserted that he was annoyed – the worst part? You had no idea why. 

“Are you mad…?” You asked, the tension in the air too unbearable for you to act like everything was okay. 

No answer. 

Needless to say, the ride back home was excruciating with Jay being so damn persistent on ignoring you which, in all honesty, was starting to annoy you. You had spent the entire ride turning to look at him from time to time and making it obvious that you were trying to start a conversation and there he was, staring straight ahead the whole time. 

“I’ll get off here,” You said, breaking the silence as the car came to a stop at a red light a few minutes from your apartment. 

“We’re reaching,” He told you, his tone ice cold. 

“I’ll just walk,” You muttered, gathering your belongings anyway then reaching for the door handle. 

But the light turned green just then, and he snapped when he realized that you were this close to opening the door just when he was about to step on the gas pedal, “Are you out of your mind? We’re in the middle of a road! Just sit still and you’ll be home in a minute.” 

Seriously, from skateboarding with an arm in a cast to getting out of a moving vehicle – did your head take some damage during the fight or was danger your middle name? He thought to himself. 

Startled by his sudden outburst at you for no comprehensible reason at all, you shot him a glare and he stared back at you with one of his own and it was when he saw the way your eyes trembled did he realize what he had done. You turned around to look out the window, gripping onto your bag tightly as you bit down on your lip only to realize that it was quivering. Yes, you were perhaps being a tad bit dramatic. Whatever. But angry tears were welling up in your eyes and for what reason you had no fucking clue. 

He parked his car below your apartment block shortly after, and after taking a deep breath to regain your composure, you turned around to look at him – only to see that he was already watching you – then whispered a soft ‘thank you’ before pulling on the door handle but he stopped you, tugging on your elbow. 

“W-wait,” He stuttered, swallowing as you turned around to look at him once more but seeing that he wasn’t saying anything, you got out of the car, walking away from him before you allowed a single tear to escape from your eye. 

“Ji Eun!” He called out in panic, getting out of the car and running after you. “Wait up!” 

You shrugged his hand off, squinting at him through the tears that was blurring your vision by now, “What?” 

“I’m sorry,” He breathed, slightly taken aback by your tears. 

Sure, he had seen them plenty of them over the past week, but never once did he imagine that he would be the reason for your tears. 

You frowned, and after a deep breath, you spoke, “What did I do for you to get mad at me..?” 

His heart broke as he watched the way your eyes watered and your voice cracked, the way you turned around to hide your tears from him and the way your hands scrambled to wipe them away although you deserved every right to scream your head off at him. 

You literally felt like you had done nothing wrong to be on the receiving end of his tantrums whatsoever, and experiencing the 180-degree change in his attitude towards you hurt more than you thought it would. It was almost embarrassing, really – you bawling your eyes out in front of your biggest celebrity crush because of a little something he did all because the last week spent with him created this whole imaginary idea in your head that he actually liked you. 

Your tiny frame shook as you tried your hardest to control your breathing, and by now you had given up on holding back the little sobs that were escaping your lips. 

Then, he wordlessly wrapped his arms around you from behind and murmured, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” 

He stayed like that, tightening his hold on you as he waited for your breathing to stabilize. He understood that the last thing you wanted was for him to watch you cry over something he had said to you despite him being the one at fault, nor any of his hugs but he couldn’t help it and if it weren’t for what an ass he was being, you would’ve been on cloud nine – ecstatic – but despite the numerous occasions you dared to imagine yourself being in his embrace, this was not it. 

“That’s it? You got mad at me for no reason and expect that a ‘sorry’ is all it takes to make up for it?” You asked in a low voice once you had calmed down, peeling his hands off you before you turned around to face him, crossing your arms in front of your chest as you did to put a distance between the both of you. 

“I don’t know what got in my head and…I don’t know if it was something I said in the car,” He started, scratching the back of his head. “But I’ve been thinking about it all dinner and I just can’t figure out why you’re avoiding me and being this distant all of a sudden. It frustrates me.” 

“I wasn’t avoiding you…” You lied, breaking eye contact with him as soon as the words left your lips. 

“I’m not stupid Ji,” He said as matter of fact, raising a brow at you – he could read you like an open book. 

You groaned, “I just didn’t want to attract any unnecessary attention, okay?” 

“What attention?” 

“The fact that we’ve gotten so close!” 

“What’s wrong with that?” He asked incredulously. 

Because I fucking like you and the whole world would be able to tell once you start looking at me up close the way you do with your cute ass smile, idiot, you thought. 

“Cos you’re so nice all of a sudden and the guys would probe…” Sigh.

“I’m always nice to you!” He defended. “And so what if they probed?” 

“Ugh, I don’t know!” You said, exhaling deeply and running a hand through your hair in frustration before burying your face in your hands. “I don’t know…” 

He watched as you let out a soft whine, refusing to give him a logical answer and he sighed, stepping forward to close the gap between the two of you, “I like you, okay? And I don’t care if anyone probes about it. I just want to know if you feel the same way.” 

For a second you froze, wondering if you were hallucinating but as you slowly looked up at him sheepishly from your palm only to see him staring right back at you waiting for an answer, it hit you. 

“wait...what?” You gawked. 

 Yes, very classy of you. 

“Why do you think I’d sacrifice sleep and drive thirty minutes down from my studio at 2am in the morning after a twelve-hour studio session every other day to watch you binge eat ice cream while crying your eyes out?” He shrugged. “It isn’t the prettiest nor most entertaining thing to do, by the way.” 

“…well, I didn’t ask you to,” You muttered. 

“Ji…” He said, voice a little softer this time as he tugged on your fingers – he kept his hold on them this time, though. 

Well…what were you supposed to say? Did this give you the right to jump on him? Your crush of two years had just confessed to you. This time he wasn’t that dude you met at your part time job, nor the other one you got to know through a common lecture in university – he was Jay Park for crying out loud. 

“Hey…look at me,” He said, gently tilting your face up by the chin to look at him. 

“What do you want me to say…?” 

“I confessed!” 

“Do it nicely.”  

“Oh c’mon, you heard me,” He groaned, clicking his tongue. 

He absolutely hated saying the sweet, corny stuff or anything that had to do with expressing his feelings romantically. Having to repeat them? Good Lord… 

You tilted your head to a side as you awaited a response, and when he realized that you were not going to let him off, he asked instead, “Can I kiss you?” 

Straightforward – that he was and you knew. He just never saw the point in going in circles when he could be outright blunt to make known what he felt and wanted. But still, it caught you by surprise and it wasn’t an exaggeration to say that you simply stood rooted to the ground and stared at him wide eyed for what felt like an eternity. 

Again, what were you supposed to say? 

Nevertheless, he let out a low chuckle, very gently sliding his arms around your waist to bring you close to him before he let his lips collide with yours and this was it – everything you wanted but denied yourself to ever dream of. His lips soft against yours, his arms around you firm but his touches delicate…all that and more, and he was finally yours.

[collecting-stories]

Dear Diary - JJ Maybank

Request: Hi!! I have a fluffy fic request if u dont mind - JJ and y/n are best friends, but y/n has a huge crush on him and she writes abt it in her diary a lot. One day JJ accidentally sees a page where she is rambling abt him, and he's very happy cos he loves her too, but never told her anything as he was afraid of a possible rejection. So he starts giving her massive hints re: his feelings and then they eventually confess their love to each other. ❤

Request: can I have one with JJ please? Where the reader is in love with JJ but thinking he is in love with Kie or someone else. JJ loves the reader but is to scared to telling her. Can you make this with angst and fluffy? Thank you ❤️❤️

Outer Banks Masterlist

✰ ✰ ✰ ✰

The first and only time that you had worked up the courage to tell JJ that you had a crush on him you were fourteen. Just finished ninth grade, a little shier than the rest of your friends, excited about the summer, and harboring a monumental crush on your best friend. You had hoped, stupidly, that he liked you back and had eagerly pulled him aside during a party to tell him that you liked him.  

“Well?” And when he didn’t answer you back after a minute, just looking back over his shoulder to your friend group, to Kiara, you started to get nervous. This had been all wrong.  

“I just, don’t think I like you like that.” JJ replied, looking back at you, eyes apologetic, “Sorry, I think we’re awesome friends.”

“Yeah, friends.” You nodded, “that’s fine.”

“I just-” he glanced at Kiara again, laughing at something John B was saying.  

“It’s okay, seriously, it’s good.” You promised, knowing full well that you were lying to him. It wasn’t okay and you were slowly realizing that the ache you felt from not telling him was not worse than the absolute heartbreak you felt now, standing there knowing that he didn’t like you. That you were just a friend and that’s all you ever would be.  

Crushes are peculiar things though and you no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t shake yours. JJ was impossible to avoid, even if you had truly wanted to, but you did what you could to lessen the amount of time you spent with him. That first summer after you told him it was like he was everywhere you went. Like the universe was constantly reminding you of your failed attempt at love, putting JJ in your way no matter what you were doing. At a party, surfing with Pope, at your house, at the Chateau, it was like he was always around. The only option you saw for yourself was to distance yourself from the pogues too.  

And you did, because it worked. Staying away helped ease the heartache. Polite hellos and the occasional fishing trip with Pope or John B, you kept your distance from JJ and Kiara by proxy, terrified that you would hear something you didn’t want to if you stayed close. But even after three years and purposeful distance your crush didn’t lessen.  

The only thing that seemed to ease your mind was journaling. You’d been keeping journals for as long as you could remember, documenting moments in time that you thought you wanted to look back on someday. Good moments like parties and every time JJ said a single syllable to you and bad times, like how you knew he didn’t like you and you were positive he liked Kiara.  

The bell above the door of the smoothie shop you worked at rang as JJ and Pope walked in and you pushed your journal away from you before they could get a glimpse. “Hey stranger,” JJ grinned as he walked over, leaning against the counter.  

You could feel your heart beat pick up at the close proximity and caught the knowing smile that Pope gave you over JJ’s shoulder. “Hey,”

“I feel like I never see you.” He said, eyeing the board, “can I get a blue mango smoothie?”

“We just saw each other on Friday.” You offered, moving away from him to make the smoothie he asked for. He’d talk his way out of paying for it until either you or Pope fronted the bill, something you were used to when he did come around.  

Every couple of weeks, for a least the last year and half when JJ realized that you and he seemed to be drifting apart, he started dropping in at your work, looking for you. Sometimes you saw him before he saw you, ducking into the back and getting a co-worker to wait on him. But sometimes, like today, it was slow and you were the only one in the shop.  

“Barely, I offered you a beer and then I didn’t see you for the rest of the night.”

“Oh, I guess,” you shrugged, “I was talking to some guy from school.”

“What about?”

“Uh...none of your business.” You replied.

Pope laughed at your back and forth, grabbing a water bottle from the refrigerator by the counter, “I hate to ditch but I promised my dad I’d run groceries for him. Don’t let him talk you into paying for that!”  

“I pay for my drinks!” JJ called as Pope backed out of the store, waving at you. “I pay for my drinks.” He repeated, turning back to face you.  

“Okay.”

“So I was thinking,” he started to say, cut off by the whirring of the blender. You glanced back and frowned at him, shrugging about the noise before turning back. You were hoping he would leave once he’d gotten the smoothie, drawn away by something else. When the blender cut off finally and you took it out of it’s holder JJ continued on, seemingly unphased, “I was thinking you haven’t been out on the boat with us in a while.”

“I guess not,” you had steered clear of any group activities since you told him you liked him. An incredible feat considering you were turning eighteen soon and you’d been fourteen then. “I work a lot though.”

“Take a day off.”  

“I’ll try.” You offered, passing the smoothie across the counter to him. JJ reached out for it, hand brushing yours and smiling like he knew what his smile did to you. “Maybe saturday...if you guys are going.” It didn’t take much to wear you down.

“Saturday’s good.” He nodded, taking a sip, “hey-”

“You forgot your wallet.”

“No, I had my wallet...but it was in Pope’s pocket. Cause we switched shorts earlier, cause his got a stain on them and he didn’t want to wear those to wor-”

“Are you trying to sell me a story right now?” You laughed, “we may not hang out all the time J but I’ve known you long enough, I can tell you’re lying.”

“I’ve fooled you once or twice.”

“Name a time.” You laughed, punching in the employee discount for the smoothie before swiping your own credit card.  

JJ bit down on his bottom lip, eyes narrowing slightly as he looked at you, more serious than the playful nature of the conversation called for, as if he was thinking about something he’d said before. Finally, he shook his head, smiling and tapping the counter, “I’ll see you on Saturday.”

You were right, JJ knew he couldn’t lie to you but that didn’t mean that he had never tried. He had lied to you once, in the seventeen years that the two of you were friends, and actually pulled it off. And he’d regretted it ever since.  

-

As promised, because you lacked the ability to resist JJ, you showed up to the Chateau in the morning on Saturday. He was already out on the jetty, throwing fishing gear in the Pogue, just in case.  

“Does that cooler have person food or fish food?” You called, walking up to him. You handed you backpack to him and let him help you on board. When you stepped down he didn’t move away, crowding your space and looking down at you. You looked away quickly, though you didn’t miss the way he licked his lips as you skirted passed him.  

“Neither,” JJ finally said, popping the top up so you could look inside, “it’s all beer baby.”

You laughed, shaking your head at him. “I shouldn’t be surprised I guess. Where’s everyone else?”

“Pope and John B have work and Kie said she’s busy...sorry.”

“That’s okay, we can hang out.” You replied, shrugging, trying to calm your nerves as you stepped over some reels to sit down.  

“Exactly.” JJ agreed.  

In complete honesty he had texted John B after seeing you in the smoothie shop, asking if he could take the boat out on Saturday and, if asked, John B could pretend that he was super busy. He hadn’t really put anymore planning into this then that, despite Kiara telling him that he should. The last thing JJ wanted was to make you feel cornered or worse, to have you find out that he knew that you still liked him.  

It was an accident, really. A rather happy one, on his end. He’d been at a party with Pope when he noticed your backpack abandoned by the pool. He recognized the pins on the front and went over to grab it, finding a notebook beneath it that had your name on the inside with homemade stickers all over the front.  

“What are you doing?” Pope had whispered, leaning passed his best friend to see what JJ was looking at. Pope had seen you with your journal enough times to know exactly what it was. “Put that back.”

“Why? It’s just a notebook...” he replied, voice drifting off as he flipped through the pages, landing on one from the day before. In the dim light of the torches that lined the pool area JJ had caught sight of his name in your handwriting and stopped to read the page. He knew, technically, that it wasn’t a good idea for him to be reading something that you clearly didn’t intend to ever have anyone read, an invasion of privacy, he was sure Kiara would say.

“JJ!” Pope reached around him and grabbed the notebook out of his hand, slapping it closed and shoving it back into your backpack, “dude, don’t read that.”

“Sorry, sorry.” He shook his head, not saying out loud what he had just read. He’d seen it though, that you still liked him. Despite ninth grade and the one great lie that JJ told you. Despite the distance you had manufactured between you and him. You still liked him and JJ was determined to let you know that he liked you too.

He knew that he couldn’t just come out and say it though. How would that go? Him confessing that he read your diary and knew you liked him and guess what it was the incentive he needed because he liked you too but he was so worried about fucking things up that he just insisted on being friends. No, that would never work. You’d be pissed that he had read something he was never meant to. So he let Pope return your backpack and he started a long game of hints. Blatant hints that he was interested, or so he thought but you didn’t seem to realize. You were oblivious that every time he stopped in the smoothie shop or sought you out at parties or invited you to hang out that he was trying to tell you that he liked you.  

So he tried the more direct approach. An afternoon on the boat, just the two of you. But that wasn’t working either cause he was listening to you talk about some dumb podcast series your dad was obsessed with and how he would play it top volume throughout the house.  

“And the guy said-”

“Oh my god!” JJ groaned. He’d tried sitting close and touching your back and telling you that you looked nice and holding your hand when you stepped on board and you were with him, alone, on the boat, for gods sake.  

“What’s the matter?” You asked, a little startled at his sudden outburst.

“You. This.” JJ practically shouted, standing up on the boat suddenly and making it sway a little. “Not...what I mean is...I know I shouldn’t have but I read your diary thing and I know you still like me and I like you.”

“You read my diary? When?”

“At that party like last month,” He said, “did you hear me? I said I like you?”

“I heard you say you read my diary! JJ, that’s my personal thoughts and feelings, I can’t believe you read that!” You were comprehending one part of the conversation at a time and your brain had settled on this. That he had invaded your privacy.

“I didn’t mean too! I opened it and saw my name!”

“You should’ve closed it!”

“Well I didn’t!” He raised his voice to match yours, both of you almost shouting at each other on a boat in the middle of the marsh.

“Oh and what? You read it and thought ‘how pathetic she still likes me’ and now you’ve done all this?”

“Are you kidding me? You think I can even plan something that far in advance? I tried like 12 other ways of telling you I like you! And what are you talking about...I’m telling you I like you!”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Well tough shit cause I do. And I know you like me too cause I read it!” He insisted.  

You crossed your arms and looked away from him for a moment, a deep set frown as you thought about what he said. He liked you. “Like...like me, like me?” You asked slowly, looking back at him.

“Yeah.” He replied, shoulders drooping as he relaxed.  

“Well I like you too.”

“I know.”

“JJ!” You groaned.  

He bit his lower lip as he sat down next to you on the bench, facing you. “So...we both like each other?” He said, grinning.  

“It would appear so.” You couldn’t stop yourself from smiling as you twisted to face him. “This doesn’t mean free smoothies though, you owe me like...20 bucks, at least.”

“We’re gonna need to negotiate these terms.”  

-

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[gojology]

Teddybears and Shitty Cards.

back to homepage pairing : yuuji x gender neutral reader warnings : minor cursing, fluff wordcount : 1529 a/n : i hope i did u yuuji stans justice .. probably not but this is rlly good for my characterization :) also i thought that gojo wasn’t as well loved as megumi/yuuji/nanami etc but holy shit i thought wrong. my megumi and nanami fics got little to no attraction, or maybe i write them horribly, idk. is gojo satoru the best husbando in jjk? (the answer is yes.) also uh.. i didnt proof read this ████████████████  100% Complete. Enjoy your game.

     “Itadori!” you yell, panting, cupping your hands together around your mouth to amplify your voice. He had asked you prior to meet with you for Valentines in this particular park, most likely because it was Valentines day.        You had to admit, his selection in nice places was clearly defined. The views from the hill you and him sat upon was spectacular, you could see the city in it’s whole. This was amplified with the setting of the sun, a hazy beautiful orangey-yellow gradient was all the eye could see from up here.       It was definitely worth the walk up the steep hill, and you took a much needed seat and breather on the painted wooden bench, pulling out your water bottle you take a long swig, wiping the sweat off your brow as you did so.       You took a quick sneak peek at Yuuji, who was humming a tune, earbuds in. Shielding your eyes with your hand, you leaned closer into his shoulder. His thumbs were fumbling with something, which you now realized was a Nintendo Switch.       “Watcha playing?” you ask, breathing in his scent. Remnants of candy and baked goods filled your nose.        Yuuji didn’t say anything back, instead continuing to hum and mumble a few lyrics, lost in his own world.       It was only until you impatiently tapped at his broad shoulders to pay attention to you. He jolted up, looking left and right before finally realizing you were sitting next to him. Taking a deep breath in, he cheerfully smiled before taking one of his earbuds out.       “Hey! You came early~ are you excited to see me?” he questioned, setting his Nintendo Switch into his backpack before picking up what seemed to be a bag right next to him.      “Of course! Why wouldn’t I be, baby?” you reply back, grinning, deciding to pay no mind towards this bag. Yuuji was quite popular, especially revolving sports or something along the lines of that. Many famous coaches had said that he possessed super-human strength, and he had been showered in contracts with sport teams not long after those few words.       In return, this caused Yuuji to be insanely busy with many interviews and pelted with multiple adult-y stuff to do, which had hurt you exceptionally. It greatly hindered the relationship between you two. Weekly visits turned into monthly, and you couldn’t bare to see him drown in all his work. He was a busy guy, but yet always so carefree, and you didn’t want that carefree childish aspect of him to disappear. After all, that was something you loved about Yuuji.       He looked up at you with a reassuring beam, and you felt yourself melt under those warm eyes. “Aww, that makes me happy, (Y/N). Scratch that, you make me happy!” facing you, he gave you a quick peck on your cheek. Your heart bursts, it had been too long since you felt that specific thing, and you give him a gentle kiss back, running a hand through his fluffy hair.       “I missed you. It’s been too long since I’ve talked to you, lovebug. Schedule is jampacked. But I met some nice friends along the way, and my coach is super nice!” he rambled on, fumbling with the handles of this mysterious bag.       “Oh? How so?” trying to make conversation, you want to appear as interested as he talked about his coach, but you were focused on his outfit and how he looked in general.        He had gotten way more stronger, you noted. He was much more scrawnier when you two first started dating, and you wondered how his cuddles might feel like. Something that didn’t change though, was his horrible fashion sense. Wearing a turquoise t-shirt with a lemon yellow jacket over it, you almost winced. Yuuji dressed like a 6th grader who had their mom pick out clothes for them.        “...And he annoys the absolute shit out of his co-worker, Utahime. It’s funny! I also met this guy named Nanami and I have no idea how my coach and Nanami are friends. Nanami always looks like he’s on the verge of murdering him whenever he opens his mouth to speak! Oh and also me and my coach made Valentine cards together and I worked really hard on it and I just know you’ll like it! Also-”       “Alright, alright. That’s a mouthful.” you sang sarcastically, Yuuji awkwardly laughed and rubbed his hand against the back of his neck, looking at you like you had caught him stealing a cookie out of a jar at 12 AM.       “Sorry. I get carried away a lot.” he says, peering into the bottomless pit inside the bag. You couldn’t quite see what was inside of it.       “No, no. I think it’s cute, Yuuji-san! I didn’t forget how you acted in the span of 1 month, why would I be dating you if I thought you were annoying?” hoping this’ll knock some sense into him, you closely examine his body language for any changes, hoping that went through his mind.       You had to make sure, the guy was dumb when it came to social cues.       “Ohh, really?” he looked up, pointer finger on his chin, a confused expression covering his features. “I didn’t know, I’ll act more annoying for you then!”       Smacking your forehead, you studied your shoes, too giggly to look at him eye-to-eye. “That’s not what I meant, idiot.”       “...What did you mean then?” Yuuji quizzed, tilting his head to the side. You really couldn’t tell if he was joking or not, you’d think that all sport players would be brutes and be masculine and perhaps... Not stupid? But here you were.       “No bother.” waving your hand as a dismissal of the conversation, you instead lean towards the bag he was holding, fluttering your eyelashes. “What’s this?”       “It’s a surprise~” he responded, obviously giddy. You felt yourself soften once more, how could someone be so cute just answering a question?        “Hey, come on!” tugging on his arm, you try to yank the bag away, curiosity killing you. His grasp was firm, and he laughed as you did so, it felt good to hear him laugh like that again.         “Okay, okay! Fine. Here, go at it.” handing you the bag, you practically ripped the handles off, ecstatic to see what could possibly be waiting to be discovered.          Inside was an incredibly large teddy bear, soft. The color was almost exactly the same shade of Yuuji’s, and you squeal, hugging the plush.          “Awww! This is so cute! I woulda never believed you’re smart enough to get a good gift for me!” you joked, he caught the sarcasm this time, giving you a confident grin. He liked the compliments.          “It’s supposed to be me.” placing a hand onto his chest dramatically. “I don’t know if you realized though.”          Scoffing, you put the teddybear to the side. “Of course I’d realize! I’m not dumb, Yuuji-san!”          “Why not? We could be dumb together! Also, there’s something extra at the very bottom that I think you’d like.”          Blinking, you realized that you had completely forgotten about the bag between your legs. Looking back down and rummaging for what possibly could be there, you pull out a card.          On the front, there’s a tacky lopsided heart, made with glitter glue. It seems there are also many failed attempts of starting this large heart at the sides of it. At the top, there’s a large, “Happy Valentines Day!” in red marker that was also uneven. Underneath the heart? A stick figure drawing of you and Yuuji, which was also... Pretty horrible.         Stifling a giggle, you open the card, eyes scanning the left for anything, you turn to face the right as soon as you deem it clear. That’s where the writing is.         Dear Y/N,          I love you very much and I know I do not spend that much time with you anymore but you still make me very happy. My coach was very nice and gave me Valentines day off because he felt bad.      I had to run to the nearest drugstore to get you this teddybear, but me and Mr. Coach decorated this together! He says he’s a very good drawer and I agree. I think the drawing is very detailed. He also helped me with the heart (we picked out the color together) and we had a lot of fun decorating. He says my handwriting looks really bad (is that true?) can you please help me fix it later? :(                                                                           With a lot of love,                                                                              Your Boyfriend and Gojo Satoru (his cool coach that helped him write this, thank me later. I have no idea how you handle this guy, but God is he such an amazing kid.)      Looking back up from the card, you look at Yuuji, who is looking at you back, squeamish. Without another thought, you kiss him, soft and light ones on his forehead, his cheeks, his lips, everywhere on his face. When you finally pull away, both of you are staring at each other fondly.        “Yes, I’ll help you fix your handwriting, dummy.”         Yuuji gave you a toothy smile that he only saved for the special ones in his life.

[tomoonine]

impression | oneus soulmate au

[son dongju] — dongju doesn’t know what frustrates him more; the fact that his soulmate met dongmyeong first, or that they met keonhee first.

soulmate au wherein the first sentence your soulmate will ever tell you is tattooed on your wrist.

Pairing: xion / reader (gender-neutral)  Genre: soulmate au, non-idol AU, fluff, humor Word Count: 2139 words

☽. check out the other members’ versions below! ravn | seoho | leedo | keonhee | hwanwoong | xion

to be honest, dongmyeong looks more like keonhee’s twin rather than yours

That sentence has been written permanently on Dongju’s skin since he and Dongmyeong turned 10

He’s thankful that his sentence isn’t super generic

Bc you know, generic sentences are going to make it hard for him to distinguish who his soulmate is

Although initially as a kid, Dongju only had one question in his head when his soulmate mark manifested on his skin

Who the heck is Keonhee???

It bothered little Dongju so much that he had to ask everyone within his vicinity if they knew who this guy was

Not a single relative of his was named Keonhee

Not even a family friend

Even Dongmyeong didn’t know who this “Keonhee” was

And asking Dongmyeong’s friends if they knew anyone proved fruitless too

Dongju wasn’t too focused on finding his soulmate at this point

Rather

He was too busy trying to find out who Keonhee was

And why he looks like his twin Dongmyeong

.....who else would even look like Dongmyeong more than himself???

But back to Dongju’s dilemma

Since his link’s manifestation, Dongju has been especially sensitive with regards to names

When he looks at his assigned section for school, he looks through the class list for anyone named “Keonhee”

Dongmyeong has even taken initiative to report any Keonhee’s he might have a chance of meeting

But at this rate

It has come to a point where Dongju sometimes forgets that

His soulmate isn’t named Keonhee,,,,

For real, it’s the only thing that goes in his head sometimes when someone reminds him of his soulmate

And it has been that way for so long

Until the magical day !

That he met !

Not you lmao

But Keonhee !

On that fateful day

It was Dongmyeong and Dongju’s first day in a local music school

They were both going to start taking vocal lessons :]

The twins were older by this time

And Dongmyeong at this point was thinking about starting a band with his friends in the neighborhood

Dongmyeong was already learning the piano that time, and he wants to explore and expand his skillset

Dongju meanwhile was just pretty chill

So their parents let him get lessons, and decided that Dongju should take some lessons too 

Bc y’know, you have to maximize that stuff, and the Son Parents were thinking like s t o n k s

And surprise surprise, Dongmyeong and Dongju get to meet so many cool people at the music school!!

The other students so friendly and welcoming

Even while they’re waiting for their turn in front of their designated room, they’re still chatting with some people

One student kept them company the entire time even after most of the community left to practice on their own

The guy Yonghoon enjoyed their company!! He was even happy to hear that Dongmyeong was forming a lil band with his friends

It was basically just a fun conversation between the three of them about music

Until the person occupying the twins’ room opened the door

Dongju and Dongmyeong look up to see a tall guy smiling at them

“Hi! The teacher said that it’s your first lesson, come in!” The stranger tells them, and it prompts the twins to go in

Bidding their new friend goodbye, they shyly enter the room

Dongju and Dongmyeong greet him, and they both introduce themselves to the stranger

“I’m Lee Keonhee!! I’m technically your senior, but I hope we can be good friends!!” Keonhee introduces himself with a happy smile, and Dongju’s face hardens

“Keonhee?” Dongmyeong questions, and his head whips fast to look at Dongju

“You!!!” Dongju yells, pointing at him.

Keonhee is confused

Keonhee is scared

“Me?” Keonhee asks, a bit terrified from the sudden outburst

Dongju hurryingly shows Keonhee his soulmate mark and points at it

“You have something to do with my soulmate!!!” Dongju explains, and Keonhee is now s u p e r  c o n f u s e d

The taller boy is just scratching his head

“Er... I’m sorry to break it to you, Dongju was it?” Keonhee sheepishly replies. “I’m not your soulmate, unless you’re the one who sent me that shopping list and homework reminder earlier morning then you have explaining to do too.”

What

No???

Dongmyeong can’t help but laugh because bro no,,, that’s not what he meant,,,,

Dongju has to clarify that 

No Keonhee, you are not my soulmate,,, 

“What I meant to say,” Dongju says “Was that I’ve been trying to find out who you were and why you looked like Dongmyeong,,,”

Keonhee stares at him, and looks at Dongmyeong. 

“You know, I can see the semblance.” Keonhee tells the two, making his point clearer by actually standing beside Dongmyeong.

“But there’s a problem...” He adds, catching the twins’ attention. “I’ve only met you guys now :0 Sorry man, I don’t think I know who your soulmate is.”

Ah right

Dongju forgot

He has to look for his soulmate

Right...

So okay, he’s finally met Keonhee, but it still brought Dongju to a bigger dilemma,,,,,,, 

Keonhee just met them both, so today wasn’t the legendary day where Dongju could finally meet his soulmate

It takes even longer for him to meet you, and it disappoints him immensely

He can’t help but feel a little bothered that destiny will constantly test his patience

And he’s a bit tired :(( He’s waited and searched for so long :(( Dongju just wants to meet you so bad :((

And he still can’t believe that you’ll meet Dongmyeong and Keonhee first

Like,,, universe why like that,,,,,,, 

On the brighter side of things though, the entire period prior to meeting you was a fruitful time for Dongju to meet the best friends of his life !

Yonghoon, upon the request of Dongmyeong and his other bandmates, joined their band “Onewe”

Keonhee, being friends with Hwanwoong and co., brought Dongju in their little friend group

And it was honestly a great time for Dongju because he finally has a group of friends from different schools and backgrounds :>

It’s so wholesome; Dongju’s friend group always make it a point to watch Onewe perform when they have gigs, and Onewe visit the open mic sessions at the cafe Youngjo’s part-timing in to either perform or watch

They’ve given Dongju great company, and it made him feel less disappointed in his failed efforts to find you

We love the power of friendship ♥

But just because he’s less disappointed about his unsuccessful attempts of finding you, it doesn’t mean he hasn’t stopped searching :(

He already knows that Dongmyeong and Keonhee are nearby, so he can say definitively that you’re also just around

Everyone in his circle of friends are actively helping him out too!! 

When they meet anyone new, they all make it a point to introduce Dongju to them

Despite the effort

It doesn’t really seem to work . 

Because no one ever replies to Dongju using those words

Until the fateful day came

The day Dongju finally meets you happens approximately a decade after his soulmate mark manifested on him as a kid

Most of the people in the group are still in college, save for Youngjo, Seoho, and Yonghoon who were either pursuing higher studies or are working

Dongju and Dongmyeong are taking courses from different departments, and they don’t take the same general subjects

Which is advantageous in a way because at least they get to meet a more diverse set of people

And thanks to that, you managed to become classmates with both Keonhee and Dongmyeong for a general education subject !

You don’t know a lot of people in this subject because you got separated from your friends who were supposed to take the same subject :( 

So you were dreading groupworks because it looked like almost everyone knew each other and would group together :(

Besides, you can’t escape groupworks no matter where you go

So when the dreaded moment arrives, you’re having trouble finding anyone to group into three with

You’re busy looking for a group that would be willing to take you in :,)

Meanwhile Dongmyeong and Keonhee are joint by the hip, looking for someone who would join their little group

It felt like d e s t i n y when you and the pair made eye contact

It was like the sun shone on both of you

And the universe timed it just right for you to meet at this very moment

So you go to them, write your names in a paper to submit to the professor, and start planning

Based on your little meeting, it appears that you guys only have the weekends available to meet without interruptions and uncertainties, so you guys adjust accordingly

Online meetings during the weekdays, and physical meet-ups during the weekend if necessary; so you spent a lot of your time doing your parts individually while consulting each other online

But the thing is

Your online consultations also ended up being a time for you guys to get to know each other and become friends !!

During that class you share with Dongmyeong and Keonhee, you guys have started sitting beside each other !!

It usually ends up w one of you making a joke and trying hard not to laugh

Or hiding your snacks from the professor and eating like ur in a buffet in class

You even started hanging out with them sometimes outside classes, you drink boba together uwu 

AND because you are a new friend of Keonhee and Dongmyeong, by tradition, you have to be introduced to Dongju and co. !!!!

PLUS ! How coincidental ! Dongju is free this weekend ! So not only can you guys be productive with your project, but you can finally meet their other friends !

Keonhee and Dongmyeong tell you to meet them at the cafe where Youngjo works at this Saturday

For a grand introduction :>

Timeskip to Saturday, you see that Dongmyeong is waiting for you outside the cafe ! He leads you the way to the table they’re working, and upon entering, you can see Keonhee at the end of the cafe waving at you

But there’s someone else sitting beside him who’s on his phone

Dongmyeong points towards the table, particularly at the new person sitting beside Keonhee. “The rest of our friends will pass by later, but I hope you don’t mind if my twin brother joins us in the mean time. He’ll be working on his own thing so he won’t bother us.”

“Twin, huh...” You trail off a little bit. “It’s fine, I just hope he won’t be distracted by our wack behavior,,,”

“Nah it’s okay, he’s used to it lol”

You arrive at the table, and Keonhee greets you. Upon sensing a new presence, Dongju looks up to you from his phone and greets you with a little bow.

Now that you got a better view of what Dongju looks like

Damn

He’s cute

You can’t believe he’s Dongmyeongs twin bc for some reason he doesn’t look exactly like him

THIS ISN’T YOU SAYING THAT DONGMYEONG ISN’T CUTE THO

But looking at the guy....

It was like he was handcrafted by a higher being who took their time molding his face to what it was now

Ethereal

Beautiful

Wow

“(Y/N), this is my twin brother Dongju. He’s from the same university as us, but he’s from a different department.“ Dongmyeong says, with a pat on your shoulder.

Your eyes dart towards Dongju, Keonhee, and Dongmyeong.

Huh.

Twins, you say?

“To be honest,” You turn to face Dongmyeong, and you turn your head again to look at Dongju’s face, and back at Dongmyeong.

“Dongmyeong looks more like Keonhee’s twin,” Your hand is pointing towards Dongmyeong, and your heel spins to shift your body to face Dongju. “rather than yours.”

Dongju drops his phone on the table, and a blissful smile blossoms on his face

“It definitely means I’m the better looking twin, right?” He smiles, and when your hand goes up to cover your mouth in shock, he can see his words etched around your wrist like a bracelet.

Dongmyeong and Keonhee have their mouths ajar at the scene unfolding

And you can’t help but laugh at how this scenario was playing out

Dongju cracks a bit and laughs along

How unbelievable

He’s no longer frustrated at the fact that you met his brother and another friend first

He’s starting to think that the universe foresaw that this blossoming feeling in his heart was worth all the wait

Seeing you this happy, with a goregous smile handcrafted by a higher being

Standing and shining in front of him, as if the universe planned this out perfectly

It surely left a good impression on him

[straykidsftw]

On Track / HHJ

genre: angst, college!au

requested?: yes (anon)

summary: in which, while making a film for a school project, you and minho have to spend a lot of time together, but your cameraman can’t help but feel jealous

warnings: none

_________________

~ {1}

늦었다 / it’s late

너에게 돌아가는 길의 막차가 끊겼다 yeah / the last train back to you has stopped yeah

조금 더 서두를 걸 이 후회도 이미 늦었다 / it’s already too late to regret

“Hey, it’s Hyunjin.”

“Hyunjin!” you exclaimed, “it’s so late! What are you still doing up?”

“You say that like you haven’t just answered my call,” Hyunjin chuckled.

You blushed slightly, stuttering to try and find words before sighing, “you’re right. So, why are you calling?”

“I’m making a film,” Hyunjin said, “for media class. I’m filming and other people from my class are helping on things like sound, writing, directing.”

“I see,” you nodded, “sounds cool.”

“Hopefully,” Hyunjin said, “but, I needed two actors and I wondered whether you’d be up for it? I know you do drama, after all.”

You opened your mouth, shocked and trying to speak, “I– I mean I– I guess I do do drama, yeah.”

Hyunjin chuckled, “so? You don’t have to, it’s totally cool. Oh, Minho’s the male actor, by the way.”

Minho?!

“Lee Minho?!” you exclaimed.

Hyunjin hummed, “yeah. You know him?”

“U-Um kind of, I guess,” you stuttered.

“So, will you do it?”

You’d had a crush on Minho for years. It was kind of pathetic at this point. When you first went to high school the two of you had every class together, and even when the number of classes you had together went further and further down each year, the size of your crush did not. And yet, only a few greetings was the extent of the many conversations the two of you had shared.

So why lose a perfect opportunity?

“Yes!” you smiled, “I’d love to!”

“Great!” Hyunjin exclaimed, “I’ll see you Monday morning, then? Teacher’s given us permission to shoot during lessons.”

You giggled, “why didn’t you start with that?”

“Now I know you’re doing it for me,” Hyunjin said cheekily.

Your mouth hung open as you forced out a laugh and a goodbye before hanging up. Yeah, sure. For Hyunjin.

~ {2}

어떤 이유에서인지 / for whatever reason

다가서지 못한 내가 너무 밉다 / i really hate myself for not getting close to you

어떤 이유를 대서라도 / i should've come up with any reason

이 상황을 막았어야 했는데 / to stop this situation

“Here’s the script,” Hyunjin said, “and this is Lee Minho, your co-star. Read through it together, it’s super easy.”

You smiled, “thank you!”

Hyunjin smiled politely, leaving to talk to the boy holding a microphone, leaving you and Minho alone.

“I’m Y/N,” you said shyly, “nice to meet you.”

Minho smiled, his aura radiating confidence, “nice to meet you. Hyunjin said you were nice, so hopefully working with you will be easy.”

You laughed slightly, “hopefully.”

Minho smiled fondly, motioning over to the desk suddenly, “shall we read?”

You nodded, “that would probably be good.”

Minho chuckled, sitting down and opening the script, patting the chair next to him upon seeing you still in your spot, “come on. I’m nice, I swear.”

You giggled, moving and sitting beside him, hoping he couldn’t hear your abnormally fast heartbeat or see the sweat appearing on your palms.

“Also—“ Hyunjin stopped in the doorway, looking to the two of you, shoulders touching as you laughed and read the script in funny voices.

He walked in, sitting in the middle as Minho furrowed his eyebrows.

“I just– thought you might wanna hear how I planned it,” Hyunjin stuttered.

You nodded, smiling awkwardly, “well, go on then.”

~ {3}

이건 바보라도 알아 eh ya / even a fool knows this eh ya

너만 한 건 내게 없다고 / you're the best thing i've got

다시 널 향해 one more step, I will never stop / once again towards you, one more step, i will never stop

돌아서면 안돼 / i won’t run away

“Hey, Y/N, I was just wondering if—” Minho started, Hyunjin’s loud clap cutting him off.

“Okay! Ready to film?” Hyunjin asked, “last scene, has to be good.”

You nodded, before turning to Minho and winking, “practising extra hard.”

Minho rolled his eyes, holding back a laugh, “you’re such a child.”

Minho’s heart was pounding. How, over the course of only five days, had you managed to encapture him entirely?! Not that you could notice, of course, though the rest of the team had to wonder how dense you were for not noticing the sweet love pouring out his eyes everytime he looked at you.

Hyunjin sighed, clenching and unclenching his jaw, “Felix. Slate please.”

“Okay! Hyunjin’s film, scene 10, take 1,” Felix smiled, clicking the slate before walking away, leaving Hyunjin to film the lines between you and Minho, Chan recording with a boom mic held over your head.

As you spoke, your eyes never left Minho’s. It was terrible. You could feel your heart pounding and you just prayed that he’d ignore the sweat on your palm when he grabbed your hand.

He did grab your hand, but no line was said after that.

You turned around, looking to Minho, before looking down and seeing Hyunjin’s fist tightly gripping Minho’s wrist.

“I’m sorry,” Hyunjin whispered, “I just– I—”

Minho let go of your wrist, Hyunjin letting go of Minho’s as the three of you awkwardly looked at each other.

“You gonna explain?” Minho said.

Hyunjin spluttered, looking from you to Minho before sighing, looking at the floor, “I like you, Y/N. A lot.”

He finally looked up, meeting your eyeline as you stayed silent.

“I’m sorry, I just—”

Minho scoffed, rolling his eyes slightly as he walked straight through the middle of you and Hyunjin, grabbing your wrist and dragging you along with him.

~ {4}

나만 이렇게 그리운 걸까? / it it just me who misses us so much?

너는 얼마나 멀어진 걸까? / i wonder how far you've gone away

우리 함께 할 순간 그 이상 속에 / the ideal moment that we'll be together

너무 익숙해져 버려 일상이 돼버렸는데 / i got too used to it that it became my daily life

“Hyunjin-ah,” Jeongin called, knocking on his best friend’s bedroom door, “I brought strawberry milk.”

Hyunjin sighed, looking to the door where his friend was holding two cartons of milk.

“I used to buy that for Y/N all the time,” Hyunjin groaned, sitting up on the bed as Jeongin made his way in, handing one to Hyunjin.

“Well maybe now it can be our thing,” Jeongin said hopefully.

Hyunjin chuckled at his friend’s innocence, taking a long sip of milk.

Jeongin swore internally. Was he too obvious?

“What do you think she’s doing?”

Jeongin looked at his best friend, trying to hide his pout, “how would I know? I don’t even know her that well.”

Hyunjin shook his head, “neither. I think about that a lot though.”

“What? Not knowing her?”

“No,” Hyunjin laughed, getting lost in his daydream, “where she is.”

He imagines that he was the one to grab your hand. And after the two of you left, you took a visit to the ice-cream shop a few streets away from your school and you both got milkshakes, and Hyunjin made you taste some of his and you got some on your nose and Hyunjin kissed it away—

“Well, she might be with Minho.”

Hyunjin looked at his friend in horror, “d-do you really think so?!”

Jeongin shrugged, sipping on his milk.

Hyunjin groaned, flopping back on his bed. This was the reality. He didn’t grab your hand, and now he was in bed with Jeongin, drinking strawberry milk.

~ {5}

뒤돌아 봐줘 제발 가지 마 / please, turn around and look at me, please don't go

돌이킬 수 없는 실수는 없어 / if you purposefully go further away

더 이상 의미 없는 하루를 멈춰 / i might fall apart

“Hey Hyunjin, isn’t that—”

Jeongin’s innocent words were cut off by his best friend, smacking a hand over his mouth.

“Ow,” Jeongin said calmly, removing the hand, “I’m just saying.”

“Oh shit, what do I do?!” Hyunjin whisper yelled.

“Maybe talk to her?” Jeongin offered.

It broke the younger’s heart to even think of suggesting such a thing, but seeing the boy he loved have his heart broken hurt him even more.

Hyunjin looked at his best friend, “you think?”

“I’ll be round here.”

Hyunjin looked back to you, your hair was swishing slightly as you walked further and further away.

“Y/N!” Hyunjin called, jogging slightly to catch up.

You turned around at the call of your voice, eyebrows shooting up at the sight of Hyunjin.

“Hy-Hyunjin!” you called nervously, “hi.”

“Hi,” he smiled, finally catching up, “it’s been a while.”

You nodded, humming.

“I just—” Hyunjin started, cutting himself off. He just what? Wanted to apologise? Wanted to tell you that he would do anything for you to be his? Wanted to tell you that he should have been the one grabbing your hand that day?

“–wanted to say hi.”

You giggled, relief washing over you, “hi. You alright?”

No. I think about what you’re doing all the time.

“Yeah, yeah, you?” Hyunjin said.

You nodded, “I was just going to Starbucks, do you want to come?”

Hyunjin’s eyebrows raised, laughing slightly in disbelief, “yes! Yeah, that would– that would be nice, yeah.”

“Oh,” Jeongin sighed, watching his best friend walk away, “bye, then.”

~ {6}

시간이 흐르고 흘러도 / even after time keeps passing by

변함없는 간절함이 너를 / this constant desperation of mine

찾게 하는 거야 매일 밤마다 나를 찾아와 / makes me look for you as you come to me every night

“I shouldn’t, I shouldn’t. It’s wrong. It’s not my business. She doesn’t look at me like that.”

Hyunjin sighed, banging his head on his desk as he pressed your contact.

“Hey Hyunjin!” your happy voice rang through the phone.

Hyunjin smiled as he heard your voice, “hey Y/N.”

“What do you need?”

Hyunjin could hear the smile in your voice, and it hurt, because he knew he was about to make it fade.

“I—” Hyunjin sighed, hesitating, “how are you and Minho? Like... what’s going on between you?”

He was right. Even from the sound of the shaky breath you took after his words, he knew you were no longer smiling.

“I don’t even know, Hyunjin,” you sighed, “he’s so tsundere it hurts! I don’t know whether he wants me or not!”

Hyunjin bit back a smile.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t offload my problems.”

Hyunjin shook his head quickly, “no, no! You can rant to me whenever, okay? I’m free all the time. For you.”

You smiled, your heart rate beginning to pick up, “thanks, Hwang.”

~ {7}

더 애타게 하는 너 / you tantalize me more

아프게도 하는 너 / you also hurt me

“God, I love you so much, Jeongin,” Hyunjin groaned, collapsing on the floor, breathless as he took the water bottle from his friend’s hand.

Jeongin chuckled, feeling a blush rise to his cheeks at the words, “it’s just water.”

Hyunjin laughed, “I’m serious, In. You’re always there when I need you, and that’s so amazing.”

Jeongin smiled bashfully, looking at the floor.

“Hey. If I tell you this, you can’t tell anyone, okay?” Hyunjin called, getting off the floor so they were level, and getting so close to Jeongin’s ear that the younger could feel nothing but his heart pounding, “me and Y/N are going so well. She spent the night at mine yesterday.”

Jeongin pulled away quickly, blinking a few times before laughing.

“Oh!” he said, exasperated, “oh. Um, good! For you! Good for you! Well– Well done? Um, I have to go.”

Hyunjin laughed, watching him walk away, “what’s with him?”

Jeongin wiped away his tears as he ran out the park. God, you idiot.

~ {8}

내가 바보라서 알아 / because i’m an idiot, i know

너 없이면 살 수 없다고 / i can’t live without you

“Hey, Y/N,” Hyunjin spoke, his voice dripping with confidence, “I love you.”

You raised your eyebrows, rolling your eyes when you realised he was being serious, “get a new saying.”

Hyunjin laughed, walking over and wrapping his arms around your shoulders, pressing kisses to your temple.

“Hyunjin! I’m here!” Jeongin called.

“Jeongin-ie!” you laughed, trying to break free from your boyfriend’s death-grip.

Hyunjin just chuckled, watching you try to escape, “where are you going, hmm?”

Seungmin looked at Jeongin with a slight eye roll, coughing to get Hyunjin’s attention.

“Sorry,” Hyunjin laughed, walking forward and taking the camera he’d left at Seungmin and Jeongin’s shared apartment, “thanks.”

Since Hyunjin had took the leap to move in with you, Jeongin had to find someone new. Of course Seungmin, within the first few days of moving in, knew of Jeongin’s un-obvious crush. Mixture of sleep talking and alcohol.

“If that’s all, we’ll be going,” Jeongin said, trying not to look Hyunjin in the eye.

“No! Stay for dinner!” you whined, smiling hopefully at the two boys.

Jeongin looked to Seungmin before looking back in your direction, making eye contact with Hyunjin and gulping nervously.

Seungmin grabbed Jeongin’s arm.

“Sorry, we’ve already ordered food,” he said, rather hastily.

“Aw, maybe next time?” you offered.

Seungmin smiled, nodding, “maybe. See you!”

“Bye guys,” you smiled.

“Bye,” Hyunjin said, going back to tickling you with his lips, your giggles ringing through the apartment as Jeongin and Seungmin left.

“Why are you still friends with him?!” Seungmin exclaimed, “you’re only hurting yourself!”

Jeongin turned to look at Seungmin, tears in his eyes as he sighed, “I’m an idiot, right?”

Seungmin scoffed, pulling him into a hug, “kinda.”

[wtfzodiacsigns]

How to tell if your crush is reciprocated based on their Sun Sign.

GEMINI

Gemini may be flirting with you and you may think omg they like me back, but be careful. Look at their next interaction. Oh they are flirting with that person too? Yep, that’s a Gemini for you. Naturally charming and flirtatious so flirting with you is not a good enough confirming sign. Gemini is a sign of nervous energy & when they are with their crush this nervousness can become quite apparent. They will talk and talk and talk but about nothing really & will probably say all sorts of strange things. Their nerves compel them to speak and they feel that conversation is a good way to snare u temporarily so they may bask in ur glory. If your Gemini suddenly becomes a nervous wreck or has a personality change (maybe becomes silent/shy) in your company they quite likely want you. 65 - 85% of the time though you will know a Gemini likes you because they invite u to everything & message u lots, but this depends on how many crushes they have on the go.  U could also ask one of their friends, cos everyone else will have the gossip. Gemmy in love can’t stop talking about u when ur not around.

ARIES

If you’re wondering if your Aries crush likes you back then sorry they probably don’t. This lot are very open when it comes to admissions of love/lust/whatever. If they like u, u will simply know. They’ll have told u already 100 times or at least it will be ridiculously obvious. Aries are very straight forward and they hate dilly dallying. If you’re the one they want they will get the ball rolling immediately. Expect lots of texts and a keen interest in meeting up & organising dates whatever. Straight forward people! Will prob show off in front of you whipping out all sorts of weird party tricks & jokes, making sure your eyes are always on them. May get obviously jealous if they see you having a good time with someone else. If you’re still unsure, just ask. They’ll be upfront if it’s a go or no.

LEO

Leo will let you know they like u. They might not simply text u, “ur the one for me x0x0x” but they will show u how they feel. Every time u hang out with Leo they will be trying to outdo the last d8. These are extravagant types & will do anything to ensure ur having the time of your life with them. If you let Leo be in charge and control these dates they are bound to like you even more, they love to be flattered too so dish out the compliments. Make them the centre of ur world. If they like u back you will receive compliments right back. Leo compliments are very genuine & feel very good to receive. They only compliment people they admire so it’s a good sign if they’re telling u how smart they think u are or how kind u are to those less well off or sexy u r or whatever. Leo will want to see u every day and probably for the majority of the day too. They can become very jealous of u spending time with anyone else & u will see this clearly, it’s unhealthy af but a good sign ur their crush.

TAURUS

If your Taurus crush cooks something amazing and time consuming for you then u can betcha they love ya. These are people who like to indulge in the good things in life and when they like you they will 100% share with you. Taurus is good at setting a romantic mood so if they invite u over to theirs “to just chill” and there’s low lighting and cushions and drapey fabric everywhere and some ambient dance music playing and a bloody cheese platter and red wine, yep this one wants you. Aside from that though it can be hard to tell if they are into you. Taurus likes to take a long time to get to know someone. They’re trying to work out if you are worth the hassle. With time though all becomes very apparent. You will probably have to be the one who brings your feelings into the open first and they may need time to process that, but if they come back to you smiling (possibly tipsy) well, mission accomplished.

CANCER

Hmm this isn’t an easy one to call. Cancers are moody and with them u may feel like yesterday u were their favourite person, but today they’re ignoring u but ur sure u  did nothing wrong! I’m sure u are in fact still their fave, it’s just Cancers are worry warts & maybe are scared that u don’t like them back so in a way shut u out for a while. When it feels like they like you though u two are probably eating something really great together, snuggling up watching something, feeling very much at ease in each others presence. Maybe they will read u their fave poem. There will be a lot of fun & quick back and forth chatting. A Cancer who likes you wants you to have a fun time with them so will keep the atmosphere light and silly. This is another of the signs where if you don’t know if they like you or not, you’re the only one wondering. They will have told everyone around them & will prob be writing a tweet about u right this second. Cancer is a warm & caring sign, if u get a lil papercut they will fuss over you like u lost a finger. If they introduce u to their parents then yep you have them.

VIRGO

Super picky Virgo will come to you when they deem u worthy of their time. Not an easy one to chase. These people want their partner to be perfect. If they are giving u the time of day, giving up their time, then u can feel safe and know they are most likely very keen. Once they decide ur the one they become fidgety & nervous in ur presence. Initially anyway. Virgo is a smarty pants intellectual sign so ur dates probably involve long discussions about idk pretty boring things. Tbh this a test. They’re checking that u can stimulate them. That ur on to it. It’s unlikely that they will open up much to u for quite some time. Let them know they can trust u & if they do end up talking feelings with u that’s a good sign they’re crushing on u too. Virgo will want to look after u and make sure ur healthy, eating good & happy, so will cook some super food salad, take u on a hike then listen to all your woes and hug u tenderly. They will dote on u but without displaying tooooo much affection. If u really want to know how they feel about u just ask them. They’re great communicators.

PISCES

Lol Pisces will prob be writing u a long love poem right now but most likely never give it to u. If u do receive a love poem, or maybe a brief but totally cute note then chances are u make them feel all mad butterflies and likely heart achy love sick. Pisces will incorporate u into their art when they like u. Maybe write songs about u (for u), send u long letters or draw silly pictures for u. Creativity is very important to them & so when they include u in this work it’s a given that they think u are important too. These cuties will give u so much time and affection when they like you. They will let u know that they are always here for u. They will let u in on all their deepest thoughts & feelings and describe in detail all their wildest dreams. With a Pisces u will prob see their affection for u in their eyes. Tho it may be clear they like u this sign wants a confirmation that it’s reciprocated before plunging in any deeper. So go ahead, let them know!

LIBRA

If Libra likes u they will want to spend a lot of time with u. They are happy to hang in group situations but will make efforts to get u alone. Libra is a very social creature so them wanting to just be with one person a a time & not in a gang is a great sign. Libra will find ways to touch u when they like u, they become very affectionate. Lots of hugs, hand holding, they will lean on ur shoulder. They can be like this with ppl who are just their friends tho so look out for them giving u special treatment. Maybe at the end of the night they gave u a prolonged hug while everyone else just got a quick squeeze. Libra might like u but can take a very long time to make their mind up so patience is key here. It’s possible that they will have even told u that they’re into you but they’re still not making the next move or maybe have distanced themselves from u. Show Libra that u rule & are worth it. They will appreciate the display of confidence. These guys can play hard to get, but stick with. A Libra who wants u will dress very well when they think they might see u.

SCORPIO

When Scorpio likes you the world revolves around u. Ur the one they will message first if they think up something fun to do. In a group they will ignore everyone else and just chat chat chat to u. They will wake up & think of u so send u a text. But they never straight out tell u how they feel. They prefer to work u out first. If they think u feel the same way, then they divulge. If they appear interested in u then they prob are. These Scorpios don’t fake interest. They only bother with those they truly want to be around. Sometimes u will look up and ur Scorpio crush will just be looking at u. They don’t even look away when u catch them. Just eye contact. Tbh they are prob thinking ‘wow i could just eat them up’ Sometimes you think your Scorpio crush fucking hates you, they can be quite rude and hostile to u & say cruel things u know they don’t say to other people. Forgive them tho, they don’t mean it and in fact like u a lot & just aren’t dealing with it very well yet.

CAPRICORN

If ur hanging out with one of their best buds & they are complaining that they haven’t text back but ur phone is vibrating non stop with messages from them, well they most def like u. When u get on a Capricorn’s radar, they will try and find out as much about u as possible. So when u hang out and they know u have 3 brothers and went to Steiner school but u never told them that don’t be shocked. Them admitting they know this info is a way of them telling u they are interested in u & ur life. They can treat u a bit hot and cold, & that stems from a fear of getting hurt. If u can prove urself trustworthy, Capricorn will tell u all of their secrets. And when u start feeling a bit like their private diary u can be 100% sure it’s a match.

SAGITTARIUS

When this lot like someone they try very hard to get their attention. If they see ur online they will quickly send u a message. The way a Sag crushes is pretty playground actually. Like they will show off to you & try and make u laugh by pulling faces & shit. Very playful. Sagittarius is an honest and open sign. They are likely to just tell you they like u. Especially if u seem sort of clueless about it.  In the same way though, if they don’t like u they will also let uknow. When around you a Sag will just smile and appear delighted if they’re crushing on u. If they’re up to something awesome & fun they are bound to invite u along. It’s pretty easy to tell with a Sagittarius, they don’t play games & are very straight foward. So if it seems good it most likely is.

AQUARIUS

U two will have to be good friends already. Aquarians view the friendship element of a romantic pairing to be the most important. So you’re friends and u already know they like u as such. How to work out if they potentially want to do pashing with u? Well, suddenly they will be more interested in the mundane aspects of ur life than ever. In the past a story of u forgetting to put the teabag into cup before u poured the kettle would have bored them to death. But now, they’ve never heard anything funnier. When Aqua is hot on u you become the funniest most interesting person in the world. Now you’re off to dinner at theirs expecting the whole gang to be around, but it’s just u and them. And there are candles on the table. Aqua can be romantic in a very cheesy way. How endearing! Best sign is that you have long long conversations that go well into the early hours & they just never get bored of what u have to say.

[hermannsthumb]

Can you do winter prompt 13 obvious setups?

13. my family invites you to join our holiday meal as an obvious setup and i’m so sorry

from winter writing prompts here

GOD i was so FUCKIN obsessed with this prompt when u sent it in, thank u so much. consider this the remix fic of 45. your family ditches you for the holiday so i take you home with me, except my family thinks we’re dating now

--------------------------------------------------------

“I swear,” Newt says, “I didn’t know.”

Hermann--suitcase at his side in an iron grip, snow still melting off the shoulders of his parka, splotchy red spreading across his cheeks--scowls at Newt like Newt’s just dug up his mother’s grave or something equally unforgivable. Newt shrinks away instinctively. “You cannot be serious,” Hermann says. “You must have known.”

The situation in question is this: intimately aware of Hermann’s famously bad relationship with a good chunk of his family, and how it’s likely to have only gotten worse after the whole Breach collapse Hermann-was-right-and-your-wall-was-stupid-and-wrong thing, Newt decided to take one for the proverbial team and just invite Hermann ‘round to his place for low key holiday celebrations this year. The alternative was ditching Hermann in the mostly deserted Hong Kong Shatterdome and listen to his dad guilt him about it for two weeks. Not that Newt would need any help feeling guilty; he knew for a fact that if he did ditch Hermann, Hermann would just be up all hours of the night in LOCCENT monitoring the late location of the Breach and missing Newt.

Newt wasn’t being sentimental, either. Hermann really would miss him like Newt was a limb that’d been lobbed off. Lingering side effects of their drift (even all these months later) has made it difficult for them to be even a few miles away from each other, let alone a fucking ocean. Luckily reluctant co-dependency isn’t new for them.

So Hermann agreed. Newt’s dad was just thrilled. He seemed to take it as confirmation of his decade-long suspicions that Newt and Hermann desperately want to be more than lab partners but are too chicken to make a move (as he explained eloquently over the phone to Newt, while Newt spluttered and protested) and ran with it, to Newt’s horror. Especially to his horror now.

His dad’s only done up one bed--one full-sized, dinosaur-patterned bed--for Newt and Hermann to share.

“Look,” Newt says, even though he knows what he’s about to say is a blatant lie, “it’s gotta be a mistake. We’ve got a sorta-guest room down the hall, I bet my dad meant for you to go there.”

“I certainly hope so,” Hermann sniffs.

Newt takes Hermann’s suitcase from him and books it down the hallway, and Hermann clacks angrily behind him. The sorta-guest room is classified as such because of the lumpy cot they kept in there for when Newt’s uncle would visit, though the bulk of it contained mostly junk, overstuffed bookshelves, and a desk Newt used to grow weird plants on in a fish tank. The tank (Newt discovers when he pushes the door open) is still there. The cot is not.

God damn it. “Dad,” he calls, while Hermann continues to seethe. “Hey, Dad?”

Nothing. Then, finally: “Yes?”

“Where’s the cot?”

Footsteps up the stairs. Dad pokes his head around the doorframe. “Cot?”

Newt sighs. “The cot we used to keep in here,” he says. “Hermann needs a place to sleep. Or I do, at least,” he adds, turning to Hermann, “you can take my bed--the cot’s not super comfortable.” The room never had very good ventilation, either. Hermann will just wake up shivering from the lack of heat with a stiff knee every morning, which means, thanks to drift hangover, Newt will too, and then they’ll both be miserable. At least Newt’s got a bit more meat on his bones.

“Oh, I tossed it out years ago,” Dad says. “Too old. It was falling apart.” Newt spies the beginnings of a smile beneath his beard, even as he feigns confusion. (God, he is so not getting a Father’s Day card next year). “Is there something wrong with your bedroom, Newt?”

“Uh, yeah,” Newt says. He shoves Hermann’s suitcase back at him just to fold his arms angrily. “Whatever, I’ll just sleep on the couch.” It’s a pullout. He thinks. It’ll be better than curling up on the carpet in his room or contending with Dr. Icicle Feet Blanket Hogger of the Year--stuff he only knows also thanks to the drift, okay, he and Hermann don’t make a habit of sleeping together. In both senses.

“But where will your poor uncle sleep?” Dad says. His smile grows.

Right. Illia’s already claimed the couch. Newt takes Hermann’s suitcase back. “Fine. I’ll dig out my stupid Boy Scouts sleeping bag and take the carpet. Hermann--”

“Newton,” Hermann interrupts. He looks slightly embarrassed. “Ah. That really isn’t necessary. I suppose we can manage to make your bed work.”

“Great,” Newt says.

“Great!” Dad says. He slaps Hermann so hard on the back that Hermann squeaks and sways on his feet.

Newt clears away some space in his old dresser--which is easy, since his fashion tastes haven’t evolved from when he was seventeen, and he took most of his clothing with him to the Shatterdome in the first place--and he and Hermann unpack their suitcases with relative ease. Or at least Newt unpacks their suitcases with relative ease. Claiming fatigue from their terribly long journey, Hermann lounges on Newt’s bed with his collar undone, like the picture of Victorian debauchery, and watches him. Frankly, though, Newt prefers the bossy little orders to his previous whining about their sleeping situation, so he’s happy to do it. Mostly. “You haven’t folded that sweater correctly,” Hermann says.

“It literally doesn’t matter,” Newt says. “It fits, and that’s all I care about.” He shuts the drawer to prove his point.

“It matters to me,” Hermann says. “I’ll know it’s not folded, and it’ll bother me.”

Newt grits his teeth. He opens the drawer. He folds Hermann’s sweater.

“There, was that so terribly difficult?” Hermann says.

He stretches his arms above his head, and nestles back against Newt’s stack of pillows with a soft groan that makes Newt’s witty, sarcastic retort shrivel and die on his tongue. Hermann can be awfully, uh...sensual for a guy with a bowlcut. “You really have got quite a comfortable bed,” Hermann murmurs. “I could fall asleep right now. Mm.”

Newt kicks the drawer shut again and flops down next to him. They do both fit, at least, though they’ll be bumping elbows and legs for sure. “It’s the most average bed of all time,” he says. He grins. “It just feels like it isn’t because it’s not one of those fucking cement slabs we have back at the base.”

Hermann makes a face. “I won’t be happy to get back to those.”

“Yeah,” Newt agrees. 

He rolls onto his back and stares up at the ceiling. The little plastic glow-in-the-dark stars he pasted up there when he was twelve are still going strong, though the Lego spaceship he strung up with fishing twine is long-gone. Probably fell and broke into a million little pieces over a decade ago. “I’m sorry about this, by the way,” he says. “The, uh, sleeping situation. My dad...”

He trails off. Hermann crooks an eyebrow. “Yes?”

“He thinks that we,” Newt says, and swallows, “I mean, like--he wants us to...” To admit they dig each other? To get hitched and have, like, a half-dozen genius physicist-biologist babies? Be happy together? It’s not as if Newt doesn’t want those things with Hermann. (Well, maybe not the genius baby thing. He can wait a while for that.) “It’s just, I’m an only child, you know, and my mom’s out of the picture, and I think he thinks that I need--”

Newt’s saved by a knock at the bedroom door. “Dinner!” Dad says.

It turns out it was only temporary salvation. The moment he and Hermann take their seats at the tiny dining table--seats which are, for some reason, crammed together at one side, when there’s a whole fourth perfectly fine one just sitting there empty--and heaping mounds of everything are piled onto Hermann’s plate (too skinny, Dad says with a sigh, and Hermann only looks mildly offended), Dad and Illia start giving them the third degree. Yes, Hermann was born in Germany; no, he hasn’t spent any significant time there since university, though he supposes he wouldn’t mind going back at some point; yes, a lot of the original jaeger coding was of his own design; yes, he and Newt have shared a lab for the entirety of their time in Hong Kong, and before that in the various Shatterdomes they were shuttled between, and-- “Er, no,” Hermann says, “no, Newton is an--ah--exemplary lab partner, what makes you say...?”

“I raised him, Hermann,” Dad says.

Hermann’s mouth twitches up. “He’s the messiest man I have met in my entire life,” he says. “You ought to see the sort of rubbish he used to leave around--kaiju intestines, blood--oh, and there was one time he left a piece of dead skin louse on the coffee maker--”

“Hey, I’ve gotten better!” Newt says around a mouthful of potatoes. “Last week you didn’t even have to ask me to clean up all that venom I spilled on your desk.” He was proud of himself for doing it as fast as he did. A minute more, and it probably would’ve eaten through to the top drawer. Hermann was less enthused.

“And it only took you half a decade,” Hermann says. “Well done, Newton. If the kaijus ever return, perhaps you’ll have learned to operate a broom by then.”

He takes a smug little sip of his wine that he quickly coughs up into a cloth napkin when Illia--apropos of nothing--says “Are you married, Hermann?”

“Ah.” Hermann coughs a few more times, and wipes at his eyes. Newt suddenly becomes very interested in his plate. “No. I am not.”

“Seeing anyone?” Dad says.

“Dad,” Newt groans, shrinking down in his chair. If he’s lucky, and thinks very hard about it, maybe the Breach will reopen right beneath him and he’ll be tossed into an alternate dimension where Otachi ate him after all and he never had to sit through this conversation.

“No,” Hermann repeats. “I--no.”

Dad and Illia share a satisfied glance. “Our little Newt was always quite a handful,” Dad says, “but--”

No helpful Breach comes to swallow him whole, so Newt resorts to his back-up plan, which is smacking Hermann’s glass of wine off the table and into his lap as Hermann shouts in surprise. “Shit,” Newt says, too-loud, “looks like we gotta get that cleaned up, Hermann--c’mon, here we go--”

He shoves Hermann’s cane into his arms, and then proceeds to shove Hermann down the hallway until they reach the bathroom. Hermann’s glower has returned with a vengeance. “You utter buffoon,” he keeps saying, while Newt (crouched on the floor) dabs at his newly-burgundy pants with a wet handtowel, “you moron, you wretched little--”

“I’m sorry, okay,” Newt half-shrieks. He throws the handtowel to the ground as he stands. His ears are still burning red-hot from the table, and his sudden close proximity to Hermann--noses barely an inch from each other, so close Newt can smell wine on his breath and count every last dark eyelash that frames his soft eyes--isn’t helping matters at all. “What else was I supposed to do? I panicked!”

“These were my best slacks,” Hermann says, “and now--”

“You have a dozen just like them,” Newt says, “two dozen. Three dozen. I just fucking folded them all!”

“Stop shouting,” Hermann says.

“Make me!” Newt shouts.

“I bloody will!” Hermann shouts back, and then he grabs Newt by his tie and kisses him. 

When they emerge from the bathroom and take their seats fifteen minutes later, Hermann with his collar suspiciously askew, Newt with his own buttoned suspiciously higher than it was going in, Dad and Illia pointedly say nothing.

Hermann pours himself a new glass of wine and clears his throat. “What, ah, what were we discussing?”

[profoundnet]

Profound Member Post - January 2020

Header by @cryptomoon​ and is available on merch from her redbubble store. You can use all those fancy emojis (and more!) on our Discord server!

The Masterpost is open for all creations by ProfoundBond members which are posted in their entirety during that month.

This months round up is extra special as PB celebrated its 2 year anniversary with a creation birthday bash. You will find submissions for this monumental occasion marked with a 🎂 emoji! Happy Birthday PB and thank you to everyone who makes this server, and our corner of the fandom so great!

MEMBER CONTRIBUTIONS FOR JANUARY 2020!

Featuring works by @nox-lee​, @nickelkeep​, @maleyah-givemetomorrow​, @banshee1013​, ArielAquarial, @castielslostwings​, @butterflydreaming-writes-fic​, @goldenraeofsun​, @jemariel​, @surlybobbies​, @blueeyesandpie​, @rauko-creates​, @foxymoley​, @maggiemaybe160​, and, @andimeantittosting​!

Masterpost below the cut.

noxlee - @nox-lee​ - noxlee - (Pillowfort)

Soft (E, 1.7k)

15x10 coda. Dean discovers that his new "normal" extends to his sex life as well. 

Tags: coda, established relationship, mediocre sex

 nickelkeep - @nickelkeep​ - nickelkeep

Tupelo Honey (E, 5.5k) 🎂

When one of his co-workers fall through on a photo shoot, Dean steps up to help out and cover it. Who knew that there was a such thing as a beekeeper's society? And who knew that a gorgeous blue-eyed man would be a beekeeper?

Tags: AU - Modern, Photographer!Dean, Beekeeper!Cas, Nude Photoshoot, Pinups, Cas acts like Endverse!Cas, Semi-Public Sex

Time Alone  (T, 1.9k) 🎂

Dean wants some alone time with Cas. The best way to do that? Find a case and tell Sam and Jack to stay behind.

Tags: Canonverse, Casefic, Salt and Burn, Established Relationship, Secret Relationship, Impala Kisses. 

‘Til I Found Salvation (M, 14k)

Finding your soulmate isn't hard when almost everyone has multiple soulmates; four, five even upwards of seven. It's rare to have only three soul marks and people who only have two? Sucks to be them. And the poor sons of bitches who only have one? They're the unluckiest of all. Dean Winchester knows a thing or two about being unlucky.

Tags: Canonverse, Canon Divergent, Soulmate Marks, Angst with a Happy Ending, Temp. MCD, Whump, Hurt/Comfort

Something to Talk About (T, 5.6k)

Charlie pointed up at her ear. "You don't hear that?"

"Hear what?" Dean closed his eyes and rested for a moment. He realized that music played in the background and started searching for the source immediately. "Wait, is that... Is that Zeppelin playing?

"Bunker, play 'Houses of the Holy,'" Charlie replied, a smirk on her face.

The first few haunting notes of the Zeppelin classic started playing, and Dean's head whipped around in surprise. "Where's that coming from? Did you buy one of those damned Alexa Despacito things for the bunker?"

Tags: Canonverse, AU - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Charlie & Sam ship Destiel, Home Automation, Domesticity in the Bunker, Pranks and Practical Jokes

Balance to the Force (E, 7.5k)

When needing their privacy in open areas, Charlie and Dean have no problem switching to an uncommon language - Sindarin, from Lord of the Rings. But when they start speaking it at Nerd Convention, does Dean bite off more than he can chew?

Tags: AU - Modern Setting, AU - ComicCons, Gratuitous Nerdiness, Polygot!Cas, Language/Accent Kink, Strangers to Lovers

Space Oddity (SFW) 🎂

Art for @maggiemaybe160​‘s fic Space Oddity

Maleyah - @maleyah-givemetomorrow​ - Maleyah

Where the Corporeal and Poetry Meet (E, 3.6k)

Part one of a series of ficlets exploring a season 9 divergence, where Cas is brought back to the Bunker and explores his humanity with Dean. "Straddling him as they make out, Dean whispers the suggestion that night. He binds Castiel’s hands with his own tie, which spikes Castiel’s breathing. He’s sure that if he still possessed his grace, his eyes would light up the dimly lit room in pale blue. His eventual orgasm knocks the breath out of him and it takes a long time to come back down into the safe circle of Dean’s arms.

They take it from there."

Tags: Human!Cas, Light Bondage, Light Dom/sub, Soft Dom!Dean, Soft sub!Cas, Poetry, Idiots in Love, Domestic Fluff

Where Kinks and Breakfast Meet (M, 3k)

Part two of a season 9 divergence series where Cas gets brought back to the Bunker and explores his humanity with Dean. "But he still wants to engage Cas. Fully. He’s only unwilling to put Cas at a similar risk, despite Cas’ persistent reassurances that his drop was related to the realisation that hit him mid-play. They do further research together. Into shibari. Into bondage. Into subspace. Drops. Both on the Dom and sub’s end. So he realises he suffered one in the wake of their moment and that he went about handling it the wrong way. A few days ago, Dean found a promising list, which he insisted they fill in to avoid a repeat performance. With everything they have been up to, Dean has faith (who knew?) they are compatible, but he wants clarity. He smiles at the feelings that loosens up inside his chest and huffs, rolling his eyes at himself."

Tags: Human!Cas, Kink Negotiation, Domestic Fluff, Soft Dom!Dean, Soft sub!Cas, switching implied, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester

Banshee1013 - @banshee1013​ - Banshee1013

Texas Sun (M, 4k) 🎂

Ever since Cas and Dean tied the knot, they have been driving Sam *insane* with their inappropriately located and utterly spontaneous make-out suggestions. So when he finds them looking at filming locations for the movie "Tombstone" in Arizona, he suggests they take some time (and give him a break!) and road-trip it. Dean plans the route and takes the long way 'round through Texas - all the more time to spend with his angel, and show him some sights along the way.

Tags: Fluff, Road Trips, Sam Winchester is Not Amused, Honeymoon, Grinding, Canon Related, Established Relationship

ArielAquariel - ArielAquariel

Your hand in mine, we walk the miles (E, 11.5k)

With the big day finally there, Dean is more than ready to walk down that aisle and marry Cas.

Tags: Wedding Fluff, Honeymoon, Established Relationship, Alternate Universe, Castiel is Claire Novak's Parent, Fluff, Domestic Fluff

castielslostwings - @castielslostwings​ - castielslostwings

Slide Away (E, 51k)

Since meeting and falling in love in front of the camera a decade ago, movie star Dean Winchester and his husband, celebrity photographer Castiel, have been the media’s darlings. From the outside, it truly appears as if the couple has it all: fame, fortune, fans and most of all, a profound and unshakeable bond that sees them through all the highs and lows. Behind the scenes, everything is not as it seems. Beyond carefully-curated sets of photos and filters, Dean and Castiel have been falling apart for years. Their marriage is essentially over, the latest victim in Hollywood’s merciless grinder. As a last-ditch effort to punch out some positive PR before news of their split breaks, the boys agree to do one last PR stunt—a recreation of the photos that made the world fall in love with them (while they were falling for each other). Will this plan drive their relationship over the edge permanently? Or will Dean and Castiel finally realize that their fans aren’t the only ones who have been fooled by all the smoke and mirrors? Misunderstandings, miscommunication, and mistrust are only the beginning. But if our heroes can push past those mistakes, perhaps they can learn that it's never too late to start all over again.

Tags: Miscommunication, Misunderstanding, Fake Relationship, Idiots back to lovers, Movie Star Dean, Photographer Castiel, Accidental sex tape, divorce, mutual pining, angst with a happy ending. 

looks_clear (chrysalisdreams) - @butterflydreaming-writes-fic​ - looks_clear (chrysalisdreams)

White Light // Black Water (T, 7k)

In 2019, the Baozhu, a pearl that granted the desire of Dean’s heart, changed the timeline from a particular moment in 2003. Dean is hunting alone when events set in motion before that year catch up to him.

Tags: Drowning, Temporary Character Death, Car Accidents, Baby Gets Hurt, Time Travel, Episode Related, Episode S8e12: As Time Goes By, Episode S14e300: Lebanon, Kale!Sam, Alternate Angel Lore

goldenraeofsun - @goldenraeofsun​ - goldenraeofsun

Dean Winchester and the Patron Saint of Blind Dates (T, 18k)

Dean Winchester's friends are a bunch of traitors. So he had a bad breakup two years ago and hasn't gotten back on the horse. Their intervention - a series of blind dates - can't be the solution. But if this'll get his friends to stop, Dean can choke down over-priced spaghetti, make forced conversation, and drink whatever random cocktail the weirdo behind the bar makes for him next. At least Cas has Dean's back. One word from Dean, and he'll make excuses for Dean to bail like a super awkward knight in shining armor.

Tags: Human AU, Bartender Cas, Dean has self-worth issues, minor angst, Benny & Dean friendship, minor Sam/Ruby

jemariel - @jemariel​ - jemariel

Spit-Polish and Shine (E, 1.5k)  🎂

You know how Dean Winchester doesn't wear shorts? Well. Sometimes he does. Unredeemed filthy porn on a car. Prompted by a PB botstat.

Tags:  Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Sex on a Car, Exhibitionism, Masturbation, Anal Sex, Established Relationship, Sam Winchester is Scarred For Life

surlybobbies - @surlybobbies​ - surlybobbies

I Like the Sound of That (T, 1k)

In mid-December, Gabe hangs a sprig of mistletoe in Cas’s foyer. Cas, resisting the temptation to strangle his brother, snaps a picture and sends it to Dean. Take it down or leave it up? Idk dude. U trying to catch someone under there? Cas hedges. I don’t want to kiss anyone who’d only do it because of a plant. Fair enough. Just leave it up tho. U’ll break an ankle climbing up ur rickety ladder. Dw u don’t have to kiss me Cas puts his phone down and doesn’t reply. He indulges in two glasses of wine and valiantly tries to avoid thinking about kissing Dean.

Tags: friends to lovers, christmas fic, fluff, mistletoe, au

Lucky Enough (T, 2.5k)

Dean opened his mouth, ready to argue, but then closed it just as suddenly, deflating. He sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Cas, I don’t mean to be a dick.” “Then stop being one,” Cas said simply, adjusting the blankets around Dean a little more securely. There was a pause. Dean blinked. “You’re supposed to say that I wasn’t being a dick in the first place.” “I dislike lying to you.” Dean scowled. “Why am I your friend?” “Because I spend my holidays looking after you when you’re sick,” Cas said matter-of-factly, reaching out to touch Dean’s forehead. [Dean's sick over the New Year's Eve holiday, but it's fine because Cas has got a bed to share.]

Tags: holiday fic, bed sharing, hurt/comfort, friends to lovers, new year's kiss, cuddling

blueeyesandpie - @blueeyesandpie​ - blueeyesandpie

Beginnings (SFW) 🎂

The door to Dean's room in the Bunker, with Cas's tie on the doorknob

Tags: the bunker, pb100, we all know what's happening in there

In the California Sun (SFW)

A commissioned painting for Slide Away of Dean and Cas standing in a pool.

Tags: slide away, commissions, the tension amirite

Commission for Slide Away (SFW)

A commission for Slide Away of Cas running into Dean's arms along a corridor lined with photos of their rekindled romance.

Tags: commission, yay they happy

The Kiss Cam (E, 8k) 🎂

Dean's excited about the tickets he got for the OSU/UofM football match, but his boyfriend Crowley seems intent on ruining the day (and possibly his life) for him. When the kiss cam settles on them and Crowley pushes Dean away, a blue-eyed man they'd met in line is more than happy to fill the void. Loosely based on the headline/prompt "Woman Kisses Man Next to Her on Kiss Cam After Date Snubs Her."

Tags: manipulative crowley, non-explicit dean/crowley, minor sabriel, strangers to lovers, angst and fluff and e-rated shenanigans, NOT a sports story, pb birthday bash, collaboration

Say It Straight (T, 1.7k) 🎂

Something went wrong in that milk run to Kentucky, but neither Dean nor Cas want to explain what happened. When the truth does come out, it isn't at all what Sam expected...though really, why should he be surprised? 

Tags: PoV: Sam Winchester, Sam ships it, Idiots to Lovers, Canonverse, drinking to cope, PB Bot Prompts, first time, no spoilers past season 13

rauko-creates - @rauko-creates​ - FeaRauko

Sing Love (T, 2.7k)

Castiel comes back from a grocery run with Sam and overhears Dean singing in the shower. ***or*** That one where Castiel finds out that Dean might love him too.

Tags: canonverse, singing, idiots in love, first kiss, fluff, some angst, love confessions

foxymoley - @foxymoley​ - foxymoley

Hell’s Companion (G, 350 words)

This is for saltnhalo's birthday!

It's hard to write for someone so talented but I scoured PB for any prompts she had shown an interest in and apparently she 'needed this'! Lol So here we are!

Prompt by Sky: You’ve heard of witch!cas and familiar!dean now consider this upgrade to demon!cas and hellhound!dean - hellhounds, of course, having a secret human form in this au.

Tags: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Demon Castiel, Hellhound Dean, non-explicit/implied torture of random unnamed demon, mention of Boy King Sam

Roll for Dragons (T, 2.8k) 🎂

Dean is offered up as a sacrifice by his corrupt hometown. Written for jdragon as part of the Profoundbond birthday bash.

Tags: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Charlie Bradbury, Jo Harvelle, Dragons, Alternate Universe - Historical

Mithril (G, 1k) 🎂

Dean makes an interesting discovery in a bunker storeroom so he and Sam perform some experiments.

Tags: Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Weapons, The Lord of the Rings References, Men of Letters, Bunker, Soft!Dean

MaggieMaybe160 - @maggiemaybe160​ - MaggieMaybe160

Birthday Wishes (M, 3.5k)

Dean recalls his past birthdays before going out to celebrate his 41st.

Tags: Graphic Violence Warning. Heavy Angst. Anti-John Winchester.

Broken (M, 700 words)

Dean snaps out of a dreamlike state and found he's made a huge mistake and it's Zachariah's fault. All part of a plan to get him to say yes to Michael.

Tags: Graphic Violence Warning. Major Character Death Warning. Heavy Angst.

Demon Deals and Prayers to Angels (T, 4.5k) 🎂

Dean makes a deal with a demon so he can go back in time and change the future.

Tags: Major Character Death Warning. Heavy Angst.

Sleep Oddity (T, 1.5k) 🎂

Based on a prompt: "I just want to go home," said the astronaut. "So come home," said Ground Control. "So come home," said a voice from the stars.

Tags: Major Character Death Warning

Falling (T, 2k) 🎂  

Cas remembers all of the times that Heaven was against he and Dean getting together, and the repeated times he didn't care.

Tags: Graphic Violence Warning. Happy Ending. 

Memories on Display (T, 2k) 🎂

Cas is in shock after a battle and is going through memories to try to cope with loss.

Tags: Major Character Death. Grief.

andimeantittosting - @andimeantittosting​ - andimeantittosting

On a Breath of Snow (G, 4.5k)

Once, Castiel, Duke of Rexford, gave up the love of his life in the name of duty and honour. He has dedicated his life to raising his son Jack. Now, a fierce snowstorm brings Dean, Viscount Winchester back into his life on Christmas Eve. And as North Cove Castle's fires burn warm and festive, so do Dean and Castiel’s feelings of hope.

Tags: Regency AU, Getting back together, Christmas, Alternate history

[gremlinpikachu]

dva dmon and sleep

legally im not allowed to kin but i gotta say i got mad vibes from d.mon and am thus far projecting all my personality onto her and making a few dvamon headcanons including but not limited to

- i feel like they may have randomly met online and developed this friendly rivalry after the two kept murdering each other in-game for like 10 consecutive matches, which would eventually lead to them playing together competitively and deciding to get matching handles for the sake of it (which is a bit of an alteration of this headcanon where that’s what they called eachother in-game when they got mad)

- yuna is really loud and boisterous probably to overcompensate the fact that she’s 5′1 and hana would comment on that whenever yuna got particularly pissed off at the results of a match

- before they met in person hana would get annoyed that she only played with yuna every 2 days or so because the woman seemed to disappear for days on end and then, whenever she’d log on she’d just reply with ‘lmao hi sorry, was sleeping’ (d.va: jesus christ, is all u do sleep?? d.mon: most of the time)

- eventually, after they joined the same esports team and moved in with the rest of the crew in some whatever apartment, yuna didn’t give them the best first impression because the first few weeks they only barely saw her for scrimmages and the rest of the time it felt like she was always sleeping (a fact hana was already aware about)

- despite this, she still maintained an amazing level of skill when she played with them and managed to keep up with her other responsibilities so she got came off looking like an effortlessly funtional lazy bastard to the rest of the team and, eventually, to their evergrowing fanbase (which she very much enjoyed and hana was very much annoyed at) 

- the few times they’d see yuna awake when she wasn’t scrimmaging with them she was either out in the kitchen getting food and, after some small talk with whoever was in the kitchen at the same time, immediately going back into her room 

- what puzzled everyone was how, during these brief conversations, she would talk about tv shows and other games and things that had happened to her within a time frame that none of them thought made any sense if all she ever did was sleep, so they started joking that she was a vampire and actually stayed up all night,,, which, wasn’t exactly super wrong

- she’s not a vampire obviously, but, eventually, after a particular asynchronous week during which hana barely saw yuna, she went into her room to confront her about it and found out that yuna’s sleep schedule is fucked up ten ways till sunday

- she tells hana that she naturally stays awake for 36-48 hours at a time and then passes out for 12-24hrs (d.va: what kind of fucked up circadian rhythm is that???) which is what caused so much asynchronicity between her and the rest of the actual normal human beings that lived with her 

- she also explains that during that time she’s awake that’s when she’s doing all the same shit they’d be doing when they were awake, and that she actually puts in a lot of effort into keeping up her skill, staying online for 20hrs a time, but she asks hana not to tell the rest of the team because she liked pretending like it was an effortless skill

- before hana can address anything else, she asks yuna why the fuck does she sleep like that and yuna gives her a heartfelt answer that

- when she used to sleep regular human hours, her anxiety over what she’d have to do the next day would keep her up at night and leave her unable to sleep right, which ended up leaving her super tired during the day because she would always sleep less than she wanted to 

- she eventually found out that, if she stayed awake for long enough, she could still function pretty well and, afterwards, instead of lying awake in bed for 2-3 hours a night, her body would be so physically exhausted that she’d just drift off to sleep ‘its like a hard reset’ 

- hana is completely thrown off by every single word yuna is saying, 20% because she thought the night owl rumours would be just partially true (which well, technically they were, in a crazy ass way), and 80% because she was completely wrong about the kind of work ethic that yuna had (ie. that she actually had one and wasn’t a lazy bastard) and the kind of person she was, which completely changes her perspective on yuna

- she asks yuna why she wouldn’t want the others to know about it and yuna replies with something like ‘well, ‘i know its not an ideal sleep pattern but i’d rather they just keep thinking i’m lazy cos people don’t try to change lazy if the lazy is getting results’ and dva is like ‘you realize now that it is my legal obligation to badger you into synchronizing your schedule with mine, right’ 

- what ends up happening is quite the opposite, with hana partially (and secretly, to everyone but yuna) screwing up her sleep schedule to try and stay awake with yuna because haha hey guess what, she totally doesn’t want to spend every waking moment with this crazy girl

- the team manager and the rest of the team notices an intense decrease in hana’s performance in the scrimmages, which frustrates yuna to no end because she’s like ‘god i also want to be around this dumbass all the time but my schedule is screwing her over’

- because of this, the manager implements some changes and yuna starts to notice that eventually people do want to change lazy and that because of her effortless talent façade, the manager starts to expect more from her because she wants to see her ‘put in some actual effort’

- and this is where hana has to stage an intervention and be like ‘dude, you can’t keep hiding this from people anymore, you’re letting them put way too many expectations on your shoulders!!’, which ends up becoming a double intervention and somewhere along the way ends up with ‘hey, yuna... do you think it would help you sleep better if i was there with you?’ 

anyways folks this is getting long i could write a fanfic about this entire concept but it’s too much effort hmu if anyone actually reads this and wants a continuation

[snowbaz-fanfiction-library]

Long Chaptered Fics Masterlist

American Holiday by MrsCox

"What's so great about America?" "Liberty, the Pursuit of Happiness, Super-sized meals, I don't know Simon." "Then why can't we just go home?" "Because we can't, now would you please stop whining?"

And Then You Burn by ShelbyCelina

Simon Snow is trying to carry on after Watford. Trying to adjust to life as a Normal. But, even as a Normal, Simon's life is nothing short of a disaster.

Catch by RosebudBasilton (tw)

7th year AU - A missing amulet and shifty behaviour from the Mage has Simon far more than suspicious on this next mission for the greater good of the World of Mages.

Facing Future by knitbelove 

It's only months before Simon finishes university, and Baz is working hard to prepare for the next stage in his own education. Adulthood is looming -- it's here already, really -- and that's going to take some adjustment. And it's not going to be easy, but at least they know they'll have each other. Whatever happens.

Happy People Shine Brighter by EllisyaSyron 

After Simon goes off on Baz by accident, he begins to question why they are fighting at all. As the two start to learn to trust each other, a new threat looms: where are all these were beasts coming from? 

It starts in the middle by the_singularity 

College A/U. Starts in the middle of the story, and will be filled in forward and backwards. Really I just love the moment that they start turning from enemies to friends. And I love their first kiss. So I just wanted to write a new version of it.

Jesus Was a Cross Maker by EllisyaSyron

Everyone is reeling from the confrontation with Dr Lang, and Penny, Baz, and Simon are forced to spend the summer alone with their thoughts. When they get back to school in the fall, everything is different. Or is it?

A new ally wants Penny to help her carry out Dr Lang's plans. Baz takes up baby sitting, sort of, a third year girl with a secret and struggles to keep a few secrets of his own. Like, how he's still desperately in love with Simon Snow.

Love and Other Lovely Little Violent Things by Miss_Cosmonaut

Simon takes up a summer job as a gardener, and working at the Grimm's mansion turns into a bit of a shitstorm: knuckles and hormones and awkward sexual awakenings drenched in angry boy tears.

Being a teenager in the middle of nowhere is all kinds of spectacular.

Move On by Pigsinspaaace (tw)

I discover that I have no context for understanding Snow. Like this conversation we’re having right now. The world has been turned upside down, and Simon insists that we’re going on holiday.

This Is Mr. Pitch by standalone 

The Watford School of Magicks doesn't exist, but this year, there's a new hire in the Watford High English department.

Video Killed the Radio Star by thegoodthebadandthenerdy

Simon Snow runs a successful baking channel called RedWingBakes. Agatha Wellbelove and Baz Grimm-Pitch are the proud co owner's of a hair tutorial channel called GrimmLove. Simon has been subscribed to GrimmLove since they had just 30 followers. Now, they're one of the biggest channels on the sight. And Simon sorta has a crush on Baz. Or at least, that's what Penny (owner of ThePennysThoughts, a social activism channel with the occasional book review, and Simon's best friend/adoptive sister) believes. Simon, of course, vehemently denies any possible romantic feelings because "That's not how the real world works, Penelope." But after Simon gets invited to a convention to do a panel with other popular Youtubers, and he meets Baz, it becomes a lot harder to deny his feelings.

[sunshineonamission-blog]

January 30th Wednesday 1:38AM

So basically Tuesday

Do i even remember this morning

This morning I woke up and I was just so. Tired. So tired. Like hard to move in a literal way. 

It was either this morning or yesterday - I think yesterday but when I went to open my blinds to let the light in it was like blue. Maybe that was Monday. Anyway.

Last night I slept in the dark with the door completely closed and the kitchen light off. I guess there was nothing scary to me about the dark anymore.

This morning I took a painful shower and I got dressed in my lined mom jeans that I’ve been avoiding and my grey turtleneck, and my denim jacket. I knew I’d sweat through the turtleneck. I was in denial. I packed a bag. I made some tea. I put my last lara bar in my pocket. I walked to Ryder. 

Meeting with Jesse at 8:45. Was amazing. 

I blabbed and he actually made sense of it. 

So. Sounds like you like to make shit. 

Yeah. 

If you wanna do the new york thing and pound the pavement for a while you can. If you want to stay in boston... you can. 

“I’m not fuckin corporate Northeastern. I want what’s best for you”

“You have permission to act. To be a theatre artist.”

“I give you permission to not know what you’re doing right now.”

- Summer. Berkshire Theatre Co. or Shakespeare & Co. or work and make money and “make a bunch of shit. get your friends. --> his best man runs Shakes, he used to run Berkshire: “it’s... grueling. if you wanna kinda pay your dues and train...”

- Fall. As many studio classes as possible. Acting 2. 

- Playwriting, Directing, movement at some point, voice& speech, viewpoints

- He said I could get into movement right now. Ugh. Yesterday was the last day to drop a class without “withdrew” on transcript. 

- If I wanna do a BFA program and just grind it out and wear black every day and be in a conservatory setting I can- probably not gonna be this year. That’s okay.

- MFA is an option. Maybe not recommended unless you have a trust fund or a strong desire to teach

- “Your makeup as a human being seems right. To be an actor. You have a seriousness but also a goofiness. You need both.”

“For the sake of your health, just maybe breathe...”

“You have time.”

“I know a lotta actors who direct. My wife does. I know directors who act sometimes.”

It’s weird right. You’re here for theatre and surrounded by like. STEM majors. They’re robots. 

Keep the conversation going when I need to. 

Advice for acting & life: don’t wait for someone to teach you. don’t wait to be instructed. If the opportunity arises to learn and do, do something. 

Kick ass in acting tomorrow. 

“you’re okay. You’re in the right place. in terms of like. mindset”

I was really just beaming walking outta there. I was excited. I changed into the acid wash jeans and too tight flowery converse and acadia sweatshirt and made my way to curry while i scarfed down the lara bar

Had like 15 minutes so I sat and researched summer programs a little. Obviously he said berkshire was grueling sooo that’s where I wanna go.  - must do more research and maybe a second more soul searching and then just start prepping

Okay shop for 4 hours. Climbed scaffolding. Super grateful Julia Chase a normal human being was there.  Mätthew’s nice and it’s fine. I hate Jenny. Jeanie. Whatever her name is. And that other kid whose name I don’t remember but he has an absurdly low voice and a beard and he’s tall and he’s stupid. I apologize for the strong language. Ultimately I don’t hate them I just like can hardly stand being around them because they’re just so cringey and rude and like the combo makes me want to go off. It makes me wanna be like yo. Jennie. I know. And stop holding the screw while you drill. That’s why you keep bleeding. But we got a lot done and especially when it was just me julia and matthew i really did like save the day with my ideas several times. fun! draining though and hadnt eaten in like a while besides the lara bar

Home. Was gonna research summer while eating my ubereats smoothie bowl because Jugos closed at 5 and it was like 3 and i wanted to sit and eat and research. No thank u Bgood u are a heartbreak at the moment. 

Accidentally didnt put in my address for ubereats. What was in there was Park Plaza. Mhm. Ow. I called to fix my mistake but it was already on the way. 3 miles away. via bike. Angry ubereats biker. 

I went to atm at MARINO and got money out, crying, came back, waited. Called mom weeping. He got here. He was biking away. What? I said hey excuse me he said “it dropped. It fuckin dropped. Im sorry okay you wont get charged it dropped.” I made him take $10 and apologized for the mistake and he said he was sorry for freakin out, sorry for making me cry. He made me think of Maddie Dinsmore. SO, MUCH. He said you’re a female I’m sorry I hate making girls cry and I said oh no trust me you didnt. I said the address I sent it to by accident was just a place I was at with my boyfriend like a month ago and we just broke up and I never order ubereats but i was really hungry so it made me cry.

And he said youre obviously hungry and you didnt even get your food and offered to go get me something from nearer by. He said he was moving to california on friday. I gave him the $10 and said no no that’s fine but good luck in California.

 I don’t know why I felt the need to overshare to this stranger. I think it was two things. One was that I saw someone who felt very badly and who’d just biked 3 miles and who wasnt getting paid for it. I am a decent liar sometimes. When it seems like the right thing to do. Or at least I have been. But I’m so fuckin done with that. Not a bone in my body had the capacity in that moment to say oh no it’s not you I totally just bombed a test I literally just didn’t have it in me. But I didn’t want this person to have any guilt or sadness from today. So I just told the truth. Because yeah he was mad and it made me cry but ultimately it wouldn’t have if not for the circumstances. Because the circumstances made me feel stupid and like essentially I started feeling well enough to eat and okay enough not to be scared to eat or to at least be brave enough to leap that hurdle and the universe said fuck you. You should be hurting. And you tried to eat and this is what happens. I don’t believe that to be true. It’s just how it felt in the moment. 

And I’m also just so heartbroken and it couldnt hurt to tell this person that I’ll never see again, who could judge me if he wanted but whose judgment would ultimately have no bearing on my life

Back inside. Back in bed. Talked to mom. 

Made eggs. 

Ew.

Felt super anxious

In bed totally checking daniel’s snap map and thinking he was auditioning. 

I’m so glad he’s auditioning. 

I wonder if he knew that he could’ve auditioned last week. 

I texted him when he was out and asked. He did. I’m glad. 

We talked for a while. I said more than usual. I dont put the screenshots of texts here because we don’t need to torture ourselves. 

I told him I just wanted him to be happy. He asked if id gone to any parties which blew me away because of course not. 

I told him about miss you like hell

I told him about my ubereats experience

I told him I was scared

I asked if it had to be til we were 25 to come back around

I said I wanna take it back

He said he was gonna marry me

He asked if I was okay

He knows.

He told the boys it’s only me he’s dating ever

I miss him like hell

My heart doesnt beat the same without you

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in) 

Ryder. Piano and singing and writing a song. Curry. HW with mia, my creative dna

Library w max ben maddie riana 

ava had stopped at max’s lobby cause she was scared of a sketchy van so when i left i walked with max to ava so that we could walk home together. 

Ava thinks she gets it but she doesn’t. I appreciate it but she doesn’t. 

I’m in bed. This is a no teeth no face wash night but it’s okay because no makeup today 

I’m very tired and it’s 2:16 now and time to go to sleep 

Goodnight

[grassepi]

8, 9, 10, 13, 16, 29, 30, 33, 37, 39, 44, 45, 52, 53, 54 (writing ask meme)

:000!! thats a lot of questions !! it still amazes me people could be so interested in my writing/writing process tbh ;u; thank u for sending me so many tbh?? heads up this is gonna get long tho,, im just gonna put this under a read more lmao

8- Favourite trope to write?

listen…. im such a sucker for hurt/comfort. literally anything wherein one character is hurt physically or emotionally and another comforts them or protects them or somethin??? i die for it tbh (this is more of a genre then a trope but STILL)

9- Least favourite trope to write?

LITERALLY ANYTHING WITH MISCOMMUNICATION. there is a point where miscommunication is just dumb tbh?? like i can understand people not wanting to talk to each other for genuine reasons/emotions, but if it’s somethin like…. character A hears a snippet of conversation of their S/O and totally misinterprets it then makes some dumb assumptions and it fuels the tension for another 5 chapters, im so gone. 0/10, have definitely stopped reading stories because of this before :( 

10- Pick a writer to co-write a book with and tell us what you’d write about.

(is this like…. a published author…. im just gonna assume no, and that i can choose anyone i want) @horizon-runner​ , definitely. Charlie is a good friend of mine and im constantly in awe of their writing tbh??? Like, serious #writinggoals !! We’ve written some things together before and we work really well together too :) As for what we’d write about, i can’t say for sure, but probably something sci-fi fantasy-esque? with lots of good good gays and jokin around lmao

13-  How do you deal with writers block?

, this is a bad answer, but like…. by not dealing with it. i have a really really bad habit of just avoiding the problem forever until i get pumped up enough to deal with it. It’s why it takes me literal weeks to just get through 100 words sometimes :( Some things i do try and keep in mind, though, are: A) Always write what you would want to read. If you’re not interested in your own storyline, you’ll lose steam fast. B) If you’re struggling with a scene, just kill it tbh?? switch POV! Have someone get mad! Just speed up the plot and move it forward super quick!! don’t let yourself get dragged into a ditch of plotholes and OOC behaviour (this is where im at right now tho lmao) C) remember that no matter what you’re writing, you’re writing it one word at a time, just like everyone else. You can always, always find the next word if you try hard enough :)

16- Where do you take your motivation from?

Admittedly a lot of the time I’m motivated by… remembering the feeling of being done with a story. The feeling of like, knowing that it’s finished, and I’m proud of it, and I can try something new now! I imagine being finished, and being so very very proud of myself, and I get all pumped up to keep working towards that feeling. Otherwise, it’s motivational speeches I whisper to myself on the way home from school lmao 

29- Who do you write for?

Myself. I feel guilty about leaving audiences waiting, definitely, and that’s another source that makes me keep writing, but in the end I will always write first and foremost for myself. Because i love to write, and I want to keep doing it forever.

30- Favourite line you’ve ever written?

Oh dang, I’ve gotten this question before! I can’t remember what I said last time, but I remember re-reading my own works and struggling so much to find a good good line. I wish I had an answer for this. But I think it’s more honest to be frank and say I don’t really have any lines i’m particularly proud of- and every line looks weak when removed from it’s context :\

33- Do you listen to music when you’re writing?

Only if i was listening to music before I started writing, and I forgot to turn it off. I tend to tune it out anyways, so there isn’t much point to having it on! any music with lyrics makes it hard to think for me through writers block too :\

37- Most inspirational quote you’ve ever heard or read that’s still important to you.

Oh gosh, there are surely more quotes than I could ever name that rung a chord with me, but if there’s a book I immediately thought of after reading this, it would be Welcome to Nightvale. I like the podcast, but I loved that book so. However, WtNV doesn’t have the most inspirational quotes ever, so how about some Winnie the Pooh? (yes im a giant nerd i know) “Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” 

39- Do you base your characters off real people or not? If so, tell us about one.

Ahh not really? Like, I definitely know some people in my life who could be super interesting as characters in a book if I adapted them that way but honestly my way of creating characters usually goes: I draw someone, and then as I’m drawing them I come up with their story

44- Best piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten.

I have about 5 comments that people have sent me on AO3 that I never deleted from my inbox because they’re just such positive and wonderful messages that I would never want to delete them ever

45- Worst piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten.

gosh this is going back to the dark ages but the very first review i ever got on a fanfiction (that i posted when i was 11 on fanfiction.net) was basically telling me to delete my story and write something actually good//that my writing sucked. 11-year-old me didn’t care a bit tho!! gosh, she was so utterly determined to stick it to that person and keep writing and get better. I’m proud of 11 year old me ngl??

52- How did writing change you?

tbh I wish I could say writing has changed me somehow but writing is like. in my soul, no matter how cheesy that sounds. I wrote my first story when I was like 5 and I just kept writing and writing and writing. Sometimes I look back at lines I wrote when I was only 12 and get all teary because I’ve come so far, but that spark was always there. It’s always been what I loved most and wanted to do most. Writing didn’t change me. it’s always been a part of me.

53- What does writing mean to you?

Haha well I think I answered that pretty well in the above statement, but… writing is like. All I’ve ever wanted to do. The longer I go without writing, the emptier I feel. Writing is an escape from reality, it’s a joy and a curse, it’s awful and amazing and I love every aspect of it.

54- Any writing advice you want to share?

If you write the story you’d want to read, someone else will always, always want to read it too. Write for yourself, find some reason to write besides guilt of not getting another chapter out. Get excited about your own writing! It’s amazing,  only you could make it, and the emotions you put into writing will get through to the people reading it. The better you can visualize a scene, the clearer it will be to a reader. Pressure, btw, is not your friend. Have fun writing, because writing isn’t a chore. Find ways to motivate yourself that are self-reliant! Shut off communication channels, because things Will Distract you. I could say a lot more, but here’s the last thing I’ll say: Don’t take anyone else’s writing advice too seriously. (and that includes mine too) Everyone has their own style, and their own way that works for them. I read through writing advice lists and find myself totally disagreeing with some of the points :\ im sure some people would disagree with some of the things i’ve said! You can find your own way, your own style, and your own story. You’re an individual. Create something beautiful, in the way that works best for you.

[jessicakehoe]

These Celebs Are Destigmatizing Mental Illness

Many campaigns have worked to normalize the discussion around mental health (Bell Let’s Talk and CAMH’s One Brave Night among them). But one thing that really reaches the masses is when a celebrity speaks out about his or her struggle to spread the message that it’s okay to have a mental illness; it doesn’t make you weak.

Anyone who has ever suffered from depression or anxiety—whether temporary or chronic—knows the feeling of wanting to crawl into bed and stay there until things seem okay again. And somehow when these celebrities who seem to have it all come out and say that they actually don’t have their shit together, it is encouraging to us. By focusing on their health, it normalizes the conversation and gives us the courage to take care of ourselves (and be vocal about it).

Below, see the celebrities who are helping to fight the stigma against mental health by being open about their own struggles. Want to learn more about mental illness? Here are 5 myths about anxiety and depression, and information about different types of treatment.

Post Malone

In an interview with GQ Style, the Grammy nominee opened up about dealing with an unshakeable sadness from a very young age. “Middle school, I would cry myself to sleep every f**kin’ day,” he reveals. “High school, the same thing. I tried to drink some beers to get rid of that shit but it just never goes away. And I don’t think that’s anybody’s fault; it has to do with something predisposed in you.” Music has become his way of coping with these struggles, and of processing what he’s going through. “I’m trying,” he says. “It’s difficult. Through my songs, I can talk about whatever I want. But sitting here, face to face, it’s difficult.”

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"Through my songs, I can talk about whatever I want. But sitting here, face-to-face, it's difficult.”–@PostMalone Photographs by @jason_nocito_studio. Styled by @mobolajidawodu. #gqstyle #postmalone

A post shared by GQ Style (@gqstyle) on Mar 2, 2020 at 8:16am PST

Prince Harry

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Day two of #SussexRoyalTour is underway, and The Duke and Duchess have joined young South Africans and @WavesForChange to focus on mental health and take part in ‘surf therapy’. • Hundreds of young people from Cape Town’s townships meet every week at Monwabisi beach to surf, but also share stories with mentors and talk through the daily challenges they face. Their Royal Highnesses were able to hear how the sessions are building trust, confidence, and belonging, and they also got to join in as children took part in ‘power hand’, which teaches them how to keep calm down reflect on strengths. While on the beach The Duke and Duchess met @TheLunchBoxFund – which was one of the charities they nominated to benefit from donations following the birth of their son, Archie. Almost 30,000 meals are provided by the charity every day across South Africa, including for three @WavesForChange projects. And before they left The Duke and Duchess joined the Commonwealth Litter Programme (CLiP) – which was teaching the surfers about the impact of plastic waste on the ocean. #RoyalVisitSouthAfrica • Photo ©️ photos EMPICS / PA images / SussexRoyal

A post shared by The Duke and Duchess of Sussex (@sussexroyal) on Sep 24, 2019 at 5:00am PDT

The Duke of Sussex has spoken out extensively about his own mental health journey, and the trauma he suffered as a result of losing his mother, Princess Diana, at a young age. In an interview with Bryony Gordon for her podcast about mental health, Mad World, the royal said, “I can safely say that losing my mum at the age of 12, and therefore shutting down all of my emotions for the last 20 years, has had a quite serious effect on not only my personal life but my work as well.”

“I have probably been very close to a complete breakdown on numerous occasions when all sorts of grief and sort of lies and misconceptions and everything are coming to you from every angle,” he added.

After seeking out counselling and learning to open up about his struggles with friends and family, the royal co-founded Heads Together, a mental health awareness campaign, with Prince William and Kate Middleton in 2016. While on a recent trip to South Africa with Meghan Markle, the royal couple met with Waves For Change, an organization promoting mental wellbeing through surf therapy, and spoke out about the need to counter the stigma against mental illness in our society.

“I think most of the stigma is around mental illness [and] we need to separate the two… mental health, which is every single one of us, and mental illness, which could be every single one of us,” he said. “I think they need to be separated; the mental health element touches on so much of what we’re exposed to, these experiences that these kids and every single one of us have been through. Everyone has experienced trauma or likely to experience trauma at some point during their lives. We need to try, not [to] eradicate it, but to learn from previous generations so there’s not a perpetual cycle.”

Ariana Grande

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A post shared by Ariana Grande (@arianagrande) on Mar 30, 2019 at 9:57am PDT

In British Vogue’s July 2018 issue, Ariana Grande opened up on her experience with PTSD after the 2017 Manchester Arena bombing. “It’s hard to talk about because so many people have suffered such severe tremendous loss. But, yeah, it’s a real thing,” she said. “I don’t think I’ll ever know how to talk about it and not cry.”

In November 2018, the singer/songwriter dropped a single titled “thank u, next,” dedicated to all of her exes, including the late-Mac Miller (who died this past September of a drug overdose) and ex-fiancé Pete Davidson, which resulted in fans wondering who her therapist is. “Therapy has saved my life so many times,” Grande tweeted in response. “If you’re afraid to ask for help, don’t be.”

photography via instagram/@arianagrande

In an Instagram story posted on April 11, Grande shared a side-by-side image of a healthy brain and a brain affected by PTSD. She also included an image of what is allegedly her brain, which appears to show incredibly high levels of PTSD. “Not a joke,” she captioned the story. In a follow-up story, Grande posted a selfie containing the captions “life is wild,” “she’s trying her muthafukin best,” and “my brain is tired.”

Selena Gomez

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I have a lot to be thankful for this year.. My year has been the hardest yet most rewarding one yet. I've finally fought the fight of not 'being enough'. I have only wanted to reflect the love you guys have given me for years and show how important it is to take care of YOU. By grace through faith. Kindness always wins. I love you guys. God bless

A post shared by Selena Gomez (@selenagomez) on Nov 24, 2016 at 6:21pm PST

In August 2016, Selena Gomez announced that she would be taking a break from her career to deal with anxiety, depression and panic attacks associated with lupus (an autoimmune condition from which she suffers). She made a return to the spotlight in November that year at the American Music Awards, where she delivered an emotional, heartfelt speech, briefly touching on her battle with mental health issues.

“I had to stop because I had everything and I was absolutely broken inside. I kept it all together enough to where I would never let you down but I kept it too much together to where I let myself down,” she said. “If you are broken, you do not have to stay broken.”

The songstress also opened up about her issues with mental health in the April 2017 issue of Vogue (which she covered). “Tours are a really lonely place for me,” she told the magazine. “My self-esteem was shot. I was depressed, anxious. I started to have panic attacks right before getting onstage, or right after leaving the stage. Basically I felt I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t capable. I felt I wasn’t giving my fans anything, and they could see it—which, I think, was a complete distortion.”

She revealed she spent 90 days in a mental health facility in Tennessee, surrendering her cell phone and taking part in various forms of therapy. And while Gomez is the second most-followed person on Instagram, she told Vogue she no longer had it on her phone, and an assistant had her password.

“It felt like I was seeing things I didn’t want to see, like it was putting things in my head that I didn’t want to care about,” she said. “I always end up feeling like shit when I look at Instagram. Which is why I’m kind of under the radar, ghosting it a bit.”

Camila Cabello

Former Fifth Harmony member Camila Cabello made headlines in September 2016 after she left the stage early during a performance under the guise of a wardrobe malfunction. She later revealed, on Snapchat, that the cause was excessive anxiety, even tweeting, “just wanna sleep for 3 days.”

Cabello had already been open about her struggles with anxiety prior to the incident, however, telling Billboard that 2015 was a “low” for her, personally.

“I was having terrible anxiety, nonstop. My heart would beat really fast the whole day. Two hours after I woke up, I’d need a nap because my body was so hyperactive,” she recalled. “I was scared of what would happen to me, of the things my brain might tell me. I realized the stuff I thought was important isn’t worth my health. Now I write in a diary every day, work out and meditate.”

In March 2017, the Cuban-born star revealed to Latina magazine that she also deals with obsessive compulsive disorder. “It was just totally out of control,” Cabello told the magazine of her OCD. “I would wake up with a super-accelerated heartbeat and really negative, intrusive, compulsive thoughts. I was so inside my head, and I didn’t know what was happening.”

She continued, “I totally understand now, being in it, why there shouldn’t be such a stigma on mental illness, because it’s a pretty common thing for people. But you can get help. If you’re dedicated to making it better, you can—because I’m in a much better place now. I started reading books about it and it really helped a lot when I understood [the illness], and that [the thoughts I was having] weren’t real. Sometimes you have to remind yourself to slow down and take care of yourself.”

Zayn Malik

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A post shared by Zayn Malik (@zayn) on Aug 14, 2018 at 10:01pm PDT

In June 2016, former One Direction member Zayn Malik cancelled a U.K. concert due to anxiety. He made the announcement on Instagram, writing, “Unfortunately, my anxiety that has haunted me throughout the last few months has gotten the better of me. With the magnitude of the live event, I have suffered the worst anxiety of my career.”

Later that year, Malik revealed in his memoir, Pillow Talk, that panic attacks have stopped him from performing on more than one occasion. “I just couldn’t go through with it,” he wrote. “Mentally, the anxiety had won. Physically, I knew I couldn’t function. I would have to pull out.”

And while a member of his team offered to say he was sick, Malik insisted on being open about his struggle. “I was done with putting out statements that masked what was really going on. I wanted to tell the truth. Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of; it affects millions of people every day,” he explained. “I don’t want to say I’m sick. I want to tell people what’s going on, and I’m not gonna be ashamed of what’s happening.”

Cara Delevingne

In 2016, Cara Delevingne took to Twitter to reveal she took a break from modelling due to depression. “I suffer from depression and was a model during a particularly rough patch of self hatred,” she explained. Later that year, she told Esquire she had been struggling with mental illness since she was a teen, more specifically, after she discovered her mother’s drug addiction.

“I was suicidal. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I realized how lucky and privileged I was, but all I wanted to do was die,” she told the magazine, adding a six-month break from school and medication might have helped save her life at 16.

However, Cara stopped the meds at age 18, saying “I get depressed still but I would rather learn to figure it out myself rather then be dependant on meds, ever.”

Adele

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Auckland / Mt Smart Stadium / Mar 25

A post shared by Adele (@adele) on Mar 25, 2017 at 9:41pm PDT

Despite being a 15-time Grammy winner, Adele still experiences stage fright. In March 2017, she admitted to her New Zealand concertgoers that she may never tour again, due to the ongoing issue. “Touring isn’t something I’m good at–applause makes me feel a bit vulnerable. I don’t know if I will ever tour again,” she told the audience. “I get so nervous with live performances that I’m too frightened to try anything new. It’s actually getting worse. Or it’s just not getting better, so I feel like it’s getting worse, because it should’ve gotten better by now.”

Lady Gaga

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I felt like a princess in custom @tiffanyandco made just for me for the #GoldenGlobes 🤗 The Aurora necklace was named after the Aurora Borealis as an homage to #AStarIsBorn 🌟 #TiffanyAndCo

A post shared by Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) on Jan 8, 2019 at 10:29am PST

In 2016, Lady Gaga revealed she suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after she was raped at age 19. “I suffer from PTSD, I’ve never told anyone that before,” she said on the Today show in December 2016. “But the kindness that’s been shown to me, by doctors as well as family and friends, has really saved my life.”

More recently, Gaga opened up about her mental health struggles in a conversation with Prince William, as part of the royal’s Heads Together #oktosay series, which aims to end the stigma with the help of celebrities.

“For me, waking up every day and feeling sad and going on stage is something that is very hard to describe. There’s a lot of shame attached to mental illness. You feel like something’s wrong with you,” she told the Duke of Cambridge via FaceTime. “In my life, I go, ‘Oh my goodness, look at all these beautiful, wonderful things that I have. I should be so happy,’ but you can’t help it if, in the morning when you wake up, you are so tired, you are so sad, you are so full of anxiety and the shakes that you can barely think.”

But despite her hardships, the A Star is Born actress told William “the best thing that could come out of my mental illness was to share it with other people.”

“I feel like we are not hiding anymore, we’re starting to talk, and that’s what we need to do really,” she said.

Demi Lovato

Demi Lovato is one of the most vocal mental health awareness advocates in the biz. The former Disney star, who has battled drug and alcohol addictions, bipolar disorder, self-harm and an eating disorder for years underwent rehab in 2010 and in 2013. Now, Lovato is much healthier and is committed to ending the stigma against mental illness. In 2015, she launched the Be Vocal campaign as a way to encourage individuals struggling with mental illness to talk about what they’re going through.

“I think the more people vocalize what they’re going through—their experience or just simply educating themselves so that they can learn more about what they’re talking about—that’s going to be the key to creating a conversation about mental illness and making it more understood,” she told HuffPost. “There’s a lack of compassion for people who have mental illnesses and there’s a lot of judgment. Once you make people realize that mental illness can happen to anybody—and it’s not anybody’s fault—then I think they’ll become more understanding of what mental illness really is.”

Jennifer Lawrence

Photography by Steve Granitz/WireImage

Jennifer Lawrence opened up about her struggle with anxiety in 2013, telling Madame Figaro that she began experiencing symptoms as a preteen. “When my mother told me about my childhood, she always told me that there was like a light in me, a spark that inspired me constantly,” Lawrence told the magazine. “When I started school, the light went out. It was never known what it was, a kind of social anxiety.”

She eventually went to seek help from a therapist and turned to acting as a form of self-therapy. She also revealed to the New York Times that she manages her anxiety with the use of prescription meds.

Emma Stone

Photo by Steve Granitz/WireImage

Oscar winner Emma Stone told Rolling Stone in 2016 that she experienced bouts of anxiety and panic attacks as a child. “My anxiety was constant,” she said. “I would ask my mom a hundred times how the day was gonna lay out. What time was she gonna drop me off? Where was she gonna be? What would happen at lunch? Feeling nauseous. At a certain point, I couldn’t go to friends’ houses anymore–I could barely get out the door to school.”

She did reveal, however, that therapy and acting, specifically improv and sketch comedy, is what helped her work through it. “You have to be present in improv, and that’s the antithesis of anxiety,” she explained.

Chrissy Teigen

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My stoop buddy

A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on Apr 29, 2017 at 6:47pm PDT

Chrissy Teigen is never one to hold back, but she shocked fans when she penned an essay for Glamour in 2017 on her struggle with postpartum depression. “I couldn’t figure out why I was so unhappy. I blamed it on being tired and possibly growing out of the role: ‘Maybe I’m just not a goofy person anymore. Maybe I’m just supposed to be a mom,'” she wrote, later adding “postpartum does not discriminate.”

Months later, Teigen finally saw her family doctor, where she got her diagnosis. She began taking antidepressants. “I’m speaking up now because I want people to know it can happen to anybody and I don’t want people who have it to feel embarrassed or to feel alone. I also don’t want to pretend like I know everything about postpartum depression, because it can be different for everybody. But one thing I do know is that—for me—just merely being open about it helps.”

Troian Bellisario

In November 2016, Pretty Little Liars star Troian Bellisario revealed via a voting PSA that she struggled with an eating disorder when she was younger. She said it was early detection and mental healthcare that saved her. “If I had just been shunned to the side as not having ‘real problems’, I don’t know that I would be living today,” she explained. “I just want to make sure that everybody has the same opportunity for treatment that I have, and I think that we have to make sure that our government invests in those programs.”

Troian shared her story on her struggles with anorexia in her film Feed, which she wrote and directed. “It was not easy; it was like engaging with an addiction,” she told Interview magazine of revisiting her story, adding that working on the film was “like poking a sleeping dragon.” “One of the things I really wanted the film to explore was that once you have this relationship, once you have this mental illness or this disease, it never really goes away.”

And just like many others who suffer from mental illness, Bellisario said she feels like no one truly understands what she went through. “Still to this day, I couldn’t get anyone—even the people who loved me the most, even my boyfriend or my mother or my father—to understand what that experience was truly like for me,” she said. “It was about my eating disorder, and I found there were so many people who thought that it was about losing weight or being skinny, and I couldn’t quite get them to understand that it was about control on a very, very literal level.”

Gina Rodriguez

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One year after the devastation of Hurricane Maria, there is still work to be done. Thank you @ricky_martin for giving us all an opportunity to continue to contribute to the reconstruction of our beautiful island of Puerto Rico. #allin4pr #miislabonita ❤️🙌🏽 link in bio 🇵🇷🇵🇷🇵🇷

A post shared by Gina Rodriguez-LoCicero (@hereisgina) on Oct 26, 2018 at 4:12pm PDT

Jane the Virgin star Gina Rodriguez got candid about her struggle with anxiety in a moving Instagram post. “I suffer from anxiety,” she captioned the video, which sees her makeup-free in a New York Yankees cap. “And watching this clip I could see how anxious I was but I empathize with myself. I wanted to protect her and tell her it’s ok to be anxious, there is nothing different or strange about having anxiety and I will prevail.”

Shawn Mendes

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Je t’aime France ! 🇫🇷 x

A post shared by Shawn Mendes (@shawnmendes) on Nov 10, 2018 at 2:31pm PST

It may be hard to believe that Canada’s very own heartthrob has had his fair share of anxious episodes, but he has. In April 2018, the singer-songwriter told The Sun in an interview that he had seen a therapist a few times. “I found I was closing myself off from everybody, thinking that would help me battle [my anxiety], then realizing the only way I was going to battle it was completely opening up and letting people in,” Mendes said.

Said anxiety was chronicled in his single “In My Blood” (Lyrics: Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in, sometimes I feel like giving up, no medicine is strong enough, someone help me.)

“All pain is temporary, and the thing is with anxiety, and why it’s such a hard thing for people who don’t have it to understand, is that it is very random and it hits you at moments you don’t expect it. Sometimes it lasts two hours, sometimes it lasts a day and sometimes it lasts five minutes,” he said.

Sarah Hyland

Back in December 2018, Sarah Hyland opened up about experiencing suicidal thoughts after her body rejected a kidney donated by her dad. The Modern Family star, who has had a slew of health problems her whole life, appeared on Ellen in early January 2019 and spoke about her depression.

“After 26, 27 years of just always being sick and being in chronic pain every single day—and [you] don’t know when you’re going to have the next good day—it’s really, really hard…” she said.

“I would write letters in my head to loved ones of why I did it, and my reasoning behind it, and how it wasn’t anybody’s fault,” the 28-year-old revealed, adding that she was “very, very, very close,” to taking her own life.

When asked how she overcame her suicidal thoughts and depression, Hyland said that she confided in a close friend (“I finally said it out loud to someone… just saying it out loud helped immensely, because I kept it to myself for months and months at a time.”) who urged her to see a therapist.

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[horsebitesfence]

On Chronophobia and ADHD – RB with Hestia Peppe

RB: hey, i think i just self-diagnosed with ADHD, am i right in thinking that's something you know about? would welcome any recs you might have for reading/resources

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RB: (it would explain so muchhhh)

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RB: (also wondering about the rel between ADHD and trauma)

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HP: Oooh yes! ADHD is definitely the errr paradigm I am working with right now if that's a way to think about it.

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HP: I am actually amazed by how practically useful it has been to think in these terms.

But I will say in terms of research/resources stuff is thin on the ground and mixed up with a lot of neurocognitive research which i find quite dodgy in places, not to mention the (very american) pharmaceutical agenda.The best stuff i found has been self advocacy descriptive personal account stuff, and that has been very much a process of reading between the lines.

Basically, people with ADHD tend to at least appear quite ‘high functioning’ (not an ideal phrase because hierarchies) so go undetected often, and then its very very stigmatised, i would say, in that often symptoms or traits are judged in moral terms. The most important sort of secondary ideas i have found are about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, and anxiety as a hugely comorbid secondary issue which is more likely to be treated than the ADHD itself.

The relationship to discipline and goal-setting is formative, as is chronophobia or a traumatised relation to time, and sometimes memory. The neurocognitive hypothesis is that it’s a problem in the dopamine cycle, so process is more fulfilling than completion of work; but i am super skeptical about neurotransmitter theories.

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HP: As far as its relation to trauma goes, i would say it probably renders us more vulnerable to CPTSD. Lack of diagnosis or 'management' of ADHD leads to problematic coping mechanisms, leading possibly to abusive or addictive behaviours or on the other end vulnerability from a lack of or funky interpersonal boundaries. But whether anything is causal/symptomatic or comorbid seems always particularly hard to tell with ADHD, partly because of the non-typical relation to time.

HP: The neurocognitive hypothesis is that it’s a problem in the dopamine cycle, so [that] process is more fulfilling than completion of work, but i am super skeptical about neurotransmitter theories.

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HP: On the plus side, [my] university and NHS [practitioners] have both been really encouraging about seeking help for it and getting a psychiatric diagnosis, which i am interested in, tho will no doubt have its downsides.

Most important, i think, is that mental health problems are treated in the context of ADHD as a constitution, rather than [in isolation], and i think that would go for trauma stuff too. Apparently ADHD folks have less success with SSRIs than others.
I think a body focused/somatic approach [is] v. v. productive, for both ADHD and trauma.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria [also] seems key. It’s the idea that the emotional impact of rejection is almost irrationally high in many ADHD folks, but [then again] this may be a traumatised relation from the stigma of ADHD, and literally being reprimanded more often than neurotypical folks, rather than being an essential difference. So if there's an interaction with trauma specific to ADHD it might be related to emotional response to external stimuli being higher.

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RB: gosh, yea.

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HP: Sorry so much.

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RB:  Wondering how receptive my gp would be to my requesting an adult diagnosis

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HP: My GP was like ‘yes, will refer u immediately’, but that’s with a recommendation from an Ed Psych which uni paid for. *UPDATE: NHS maybe aren’t doing this as quickly as i thought, so it remains to be seen if they follow through; and university seems to just be sending me through as many hoops as possible, lots of assessments, minimal support systems.

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RB: ok

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RB:  i saw this on Twitter – ‘ADHD Explained Using Comics’ by Dani Donovan,1

and, like, so much of it is me. ,2So much. idk what chronophobia is but def. have weird relationship with time. Very weird.

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HP:  I have sort of made up chronophobia but am sure its a thing.

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RB: 'comorbidity'

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RB:  i feel lost in time.

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HP: It seems to me the best stuff around is DIY stuff exactly like the comics u link to

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RB: also – trouble starting anything; trouble finishing without hard external deadlines – so me.

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RB: why i never write

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HP:  I think these are like the defining traits tbh

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RB: even tho i want/need to be writing

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RB: + procrastinating

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HP:  Comorbidity is the creepiest word

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RB: as described ^^

HP:  Same!

RB: do u medicate for it, may i ask? seems like mindfulness / meditation cld really be helpful

RB:  i had an insane year on citalopram

HP: In America they see it as essential to medicate for it from a v early age but i am like v v v skeptical

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RB: sertraline seemed better

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HP:  I took Prozac for 5 years; it didn’t do much except make me sleepy and a bit ok with shit life, but for ADHD it’s Ritalin or Vyvanse, so treatment with low constant dose of stimulants (*sometimes also something called dopamine blockers, but I don't know the details).

RB: ok; so, like coffee? just on my risky 2nd cup.

HP:  I dont myself want this prescription.

HP:  Am sure mindfulness etc v. good, but i do think body-focused methods best.

RB: ok

HP: I read this Twitter by Erynn Brook (sp?), and she advocates meds but also talks a lot about building in good coping mechanisms like how you organise yrsrlf in space/time in ways that work for u.

RB: yea; more interested in strategy

HP: So yeah strategy v. key.

RB: hey thanks so much, also in as much as i may unconsciously have posited u as gatekeeper. couldn’t have hoped for a more helpful reply.

HP: No worries! It’s good talking to other people about it cos the grand narrative of it is well shaky

HP: One thing i have worked out is that it’s all just emerging now so u can’t really gatekeep it, thank fuck. Glad to be helpful always. Check out Erynn Brook and remember being kind to yourself cos probably u havent been being if u just got to this point.

[time passes]

RB: hey, i'd really like to hear a bit more about your thinking on chronophobia;

it stayed with me as a strong motif.  felt so 'full' when you said it it took me a while to realise i hadn't asked u to describe it.

HP: Yes I would love to see you and talk about all this stuff. I have thoughts tjoughts thought ... Google searching ‘Chronophobia’ brings up this book from MIT about art in the 60s:

https://mitpress.mit.edu/books/chronophobia. It appears to be also a term in use in psychology/self help; is in wiktionary, and appears to mean the obvious: fear of the passing of time. Associations with incarcerated people, particularly, suffering from it and also anyone suffering from heightened stress and anxiety. Searching chronophobia + ADHD, there are plenty of hits, so, again, this seems a well-made connection. I’m also thinking about ‘Chrononormativity’, an idea i was first introduced to by my friend Helen Stuhr Rommereim, and which I think she gets from Elizabeth Freeman (possibly via Lauren Berlant), in relation to ‘queer time’ or a failure to achieve normative milestones in the time allotted, such as maturity, childbearing, marriage. Her paper on this is included in the documentation of a conference about Chris Kraus we both attended in 2013, which is where we met as we were on the same panel. 3

HP: Context in my work right now – all of this to do with ideas about speculation, past/present/future, chance/fate, resistance to goal/plan/target, not knowing what to do.

I’m currently doing some early/cursory research into the mythology of the fates (Ancient Greek and other cultures) as spinners, and thread as line; trying to parse linearity and how it might or might not relate to neurodivergence/neurotypicality. I like lines as a way of following or tracing, and also drawing as well as writing –thinking a lot about the work of Renee Gladman, who is interested in architecture and fiction (prose architectures), and works with drawing and writing and the relation between the two – so, also automatic and asemic writing. I also think a lot about Ariadne’s red thread in the labyrinth, and now that i am trying to learn to spin, how all threads are made of many tiny ones. This trying to spin has grown out of an old durational performance work i have done for years – so, durational performance, as a form, is part of this, maybe, for me. I always like the durational form, as it is more about setting up boundaries in space and then letting time happen than [it is about] existing in linear time. Chronophobia as anxiety about mortality, and control, or volition/agency; or the trace of subjectivity in the world (cf maybe tim ingold). Also, there are two types of time in the classical sense: Kairos (the now) and Chronos (history), or something like that.  None of this is fact-checked, I must say.Tarot cards relating to time are: wheel of fortune, temperance, death, the hanged man.

HP: Not sure i am doing this right, but thought some context to the earlier conversation might be useful for orientation, at the same time as thinking about my own self-diagnosis of ADHD and how it relates to knowledge and action and intention and access. Not sure if you saw this on my Twitter, but I thought it was a very good overview of neurodiversity discourse as it stands: https://www.janinebooth.com/content/two-and-half-cheers-neurodiversity

RB: Thanks. You’re doing this very right, I’d say.  Like somewhere back in the transcript there is a ‘gosh, yea’ of mine which stands in as a marker for the point at which my mind was blown, began to make new neural connections, bathed in a sort of speechless radiant awe for what you said; and this feels the same only more so, galaxy brain in mandelbrot – only grounded in and by your efforts to verbalise it and connect it with your work and that of others. That this is what you’re working on for your doctorate – I am awed and excited to know it. I would really like to be present when you perform.  I’m really impressed by your articulation. I feel such a relieved shock of recognition for chronophobia as you describe it, as something I had begun to acknowledge and articulate internally, but never outside myself, verbally or otherwise; nor had any inkling that it might be tangled up with ADHD ... nor that it is something other people experience or know about, nor that you are working on it in this profound way. I feel less alone and am honoured that you shared this here with us.

RB: Also – ehheh!  I saw today that we both liked this tweet

RB: Another highlight, for me, of today’s feed –

RB: I’m always keen for writers’ writing on technique, scanning in case I find a key there to my own outward articulacy and/or the means to vanquish distraction/avoidance. Just remembered when the poet Lucy Mercer said to me that as a writer, I’m a weaver. I was happy with that then and I am happy with it here, in this context. 4

HP: Hey! This is all so kind of you to say I am sort of overwhelmed. I can't believe i have even been paid for this already, so shout out to that. I made up chronophobia because  i wanted a way to describe my fear of time. I dont think it was really to talk to anyone else about it. I looked it up afterwards when I mentioned it to you I guess i have really let you have it with the inner monologue. I looked it up after I mentioned it to you. I figured that this had, you know, happened before, that other people would already be using this word. And they are. As a sort of intra-post-script, it is important to say that in terms of ADHD I came to this knowledge or understanding after like 12 years working as a private tutor, and without the students I worked with in that time I don’t see how I would have got to this articulation, so immense gratitude and respect to them for the thinking we did together about how thinking and learning work for different people.

HP: I was going to email you and ask for a deadline today but in the end i didn't write any emails because i was just spinning yarn on the wheel. It’s an amazing process learning to do it. Like a truly never-has-to-end embodied action. I think it could be the best way to replace some obsessive Twitter scrolling. My dad totally gets it. He says singing while spinning, that's the thing, he's heard. I learnt how to learn things from him mostly. I think maybe both my folks have ADHD. It’s supposed to be super heritable.

HP: My mum's a doctor. That's maybe where I get the cavalier attitude to discussing stuff like this you are supposed to be an expert to be allowed to think about. I am absolutely not an expert except perhaps of my own experience. Which this is, but but i push it, i know that. tho I don’t want the meds, I absolutely want to stress i am not like totally against meds. Chemicals are fine and good. Like coffee or you know whatever works. I am just in favour of people being given the best possible understanding of any treatment they undergo. I feel like i wanna unwind my own coping mechanisms like manually. Maybe that's a perk of late diagnosis – for me, anyway.

HP: I have to stop now. I am in a park and it’s dark now. I was sitting in the park cos i was an hour early to get a lift from my friend because i was so worried about being late. It’s perfect timing though. If you like sitting in parks watching orange street-lamps through blossom as if they are the sunset like some kinda shook moth. Which I do. And then type super fast into a phone cos you know someone asked.

HP: Thanks xx

RB: <3

RB: Thank you

1 –   https://Twitter.com/danidonovan/status/1100414551932030984

2

3 (http://www.metamute.org/editorial/books/you-must-make-your-death-public-collection-texts-and-media-work-chris-kraus )

4 mercer | ˈməːsə | noun British, chiefly historical a dealer in textile fabrics, especially silks, velvets, and other fine materials. (Oxford English Dictionary Version 2.3.0 (203.16.12))