#this year definitely didn't start out great for me & i can feel myself getting depressed again

[eclarinet]

same soup... different day

[cheekblush]

spent the whole day in bed on my phone someone please assassinate me

[elexuscal]

So just over a year ago, I made a resolution to myself to get better at Fitness, since I was getting older and i knew if i didn't, the Consequences would begin to manifest. One problem? Historically i have always hated working out.

i knew there were two main reasons why: 1. lingering trauma from the usual Fat/Neurodivergent Kid Mistreated In PE Class Experience 2. oh my god it's so so so boring i would rather do anything more entertaining.

So. I'm not an expert, and i'm definitely not a professional fitness instructor, BUT i have genuinely come to not just tolerate but actually enjoy exercise this past year. So if these are any problems you personally have contended with, these strategies May Help.

One: Remove Barriers

a lot of flavours of neurodivergence struggle with switching between tasks and executive function generally, especially towards something you don't find fun. So first you gotta identify any barriers keeping you from exercising, and removing or mitigating them.

For me, a hurdle i recognised is that if I could not easily access the equipment, I was unlikely to use it. honestly if i couldn't see it i would probably forget it was there. So my first order of business was making a Work Out Zone. I unrolled my yoga mat and gave it a near-permanent place in my room. my weights came out of the closet and placed on a low shelf where i could easily access them, as did my resistance band. now they were always Right there.

I also realised something I detested was the general feeling of sweaty clothes, and in particular, having to change out of them. So Gross. so i started scheduling my work outs for in the the morning after breakfast or right before my nightly showers, aka: when I am changing in and out of my PJs. I'll do my routine (mostly) naked and not have to contend with the extra steps and laundry that sweaty clothes bring.

two: secondary entertainment

like i said: i found exercise very boring. and while i've gotten better over the past year, and can find it meditative, i still prefer having something else to catch my attention.

i used to like to put on video essays. but then i realised i was so often pausing my work outs because the particular video ended, or the pace got slow, or the topic turned to something dark and depressing out of nowhere and killed the vibe, so then i had to stop to find something else--

No. You need something that will keep you in the zone, and won't knock you out of it. I didn't used to listen to music much, but this year i took advantage of a Spotify subscription my sister gifted me (😔) and started just putting on upbeat rock, hip-hop, and pop mixes. it doesn't need to be my favouirte music ever it just needs to Keep Going.

i do find the loud, rhythmic music is really good for keeping my pace up, but if music doesn't do it for you, you might find audiobooks or autoplaying favourite old tv shows/sitcoms might scratch that itch.

Three: Find Other Motivators

Or, "if you can't make your own motivation, store bought is fine"

Gameification is really good here. You might be someone who'll benefit from a pedometer or step-counter app. I have a friend who swears by the Switch Ring-Fit, and I've also heard of folks who use games like Just Dance, Zombies, Run! and Beat Saber to rely on the sweet sweet endorphins generated by hitting a high score.

(BUT: do beware the dark side of gameification, which is the risk of demotivation if you don't hit your goals. For example, after doing GREAT on exceeding my step goal for a month, I got hit with COVID. For about a week and a half I was barely moving beyond the kitchen and back. My step counts plummeted, there was no way to edit the record out, and that made it harder to get back into the groove. Be mindful relying too much on gameification!)

Even outside of literal games, there are ways to scratch this itch. I used secondary objectives as a way to encourage me to keep up with my daily walks. Walking my roommate's dog when he was working long days is an obvious one, but we don't always have a furry friend at our disposal. Then I would rely on mini-challenges like, "pick up 10 cool rocks to paint", "fill this bag with wood for the fireplace", "take 10 pretty pictures", or "get to the corner store to get more milk".

And of course, consider team sports! Many folks I've talked to feel having set training/play times with a team that relies on them crucial to keep them on track!

Four: Don't Measure Success By Weight Loss

I know. I know. Easier said than done. It does not help that like 80% of workout resources online are going to mention this. but above all else, you must resist the beast. (and while not as dicey, measuring success by visible muscle gain can fall into a similar trap).

The biggest benefits to exercise are invisible. it improves cardiovascular health, brain function, tissue regeneration, immune system function, lung capacity, energy levels, literally our whole body. no matter what external changes your body does or doesn't go through, you're still going to be benefitting from exercise, and you do not want to get demotivated chasing unrealistic/irrelevant goals.

Instead, to track your progress, focus on questions like these:

How is exercise impacting my mood? Do I feel less stressed or anxious?

Am I sleeping better?

Is my balance improving?

Is my stamina increasing?

Am I becoming more flexible?

Can I lift/carry heavier weights?

Is my breath control improving?

Over the last year, I've seen marked improvements in all of these. My joints don't hurt as much; it's easier for me to to get up and move; I don't get winded as easily; I generally feel more relaxed and cheerful. Those are all amazing outcomes, and I hope that everyone on their own fitness journey can find the same joy there as I have.

[absentlyabbie]

don't be afraid of buying things that make your life easier. don't talk yourself out of it, beat yourself up for being "lazy", or shame yourself for not being able to do things the "right" way so you don't deserve to try it a different way.

if there's a thing out there that can make something faster, more bearable, less painful, more tolerable, anything like that at all, and you can afford it? you have the right, you deserve it, and you should do it.

i've stuck for the last several years with exclusively those detachable sprayer showerheads, because i need to be able to sit down in the bath and it makes the entire operation easier, so i'm less likely to risk a concussion or pass out or wobble and slip.

for the last few years, i've been using one with a little powerwash spray setting and i use it before and after every shower and it keeps my tub and shower cleaner so much longer, which is great because i hate cleaning the bath and can put it off for months, and scrubbing kills my shoulders.

sometimes, whether it's the executive dysfunction, or the depression, or knowing that i become entirely detached from the concept of time when in the shower, if i can't bring myself to get in the damn thing and do a full-blown shower, and i know i'd just be uncomfortable and not clean and still keep putting it off (because i can easily lose well over an hour once in there), i will kneel on my (cushy, quick-dry, memory foam) bathroom mat beside the tub and lean over it to wash my hair and face and maybe soap up to my shoulders. then later when it feels like a way more manageable and shorter task i can do a quick scrub and rinse.

i've bought cbd for when my joint pain makes sleeping otherwise impossible (even though it's expensive) and a work desk that has expandable legs to be a bed desk if i ever need to work sick (i'm lucky to be remote since my job change).

i've bought the screw-top, 40oz, insulated mugs and extra long plastic straws (do not @ me) and the pop-bottom giant cube ice trays all because every one of those helps ensure i drink more water every day (and so does the faucet-mounted water filter).

i buy specific individual snacks that require little to no prep so even when the execution of making a sandwich is Too Damn Much, i can still make myself do some calorie intake.

i talked myself into a cushioned mattress topper to relieve my spine and because it's way cheaper than a new mattress. i bought blackout curtains for our old apartment because the outdoor lights were insanely bright at all hours and made sleep even more elusive.

i've purchased slip on-only shoes or no-tie laces because i hate tying shoelace knots, my hands are less dexterous than ever (and hurt), and because i struggle with time management and it's one small thing to shave off just a little more time so i'm a little less late.

i didn't buy all of these things all at once, definitely. i am, sadly, made of meat and not money.

but i started budgeting, slowly, more and more of whatever amount of disposable income i had after bills towards "thing to make life suck less and not be so hard" and i can't regret it in the least.

i deserve not only small comforts and joys, but also less pain and difficulty, and ways to make challenging parts of life a little more within my reach with not quite as much effort.

so do you.

[sarahjtv]

My Hero Academia is Officially Ending and I'm Fucking Coping 😭

So, it was officially announced early today, June 24th, 2024, by Shueshia and mangaka, Kohei Horikoshi, that My Hero Academia/Boku no Hero Academia will officially end in 5 chapters on Chapter 430. The last chapter will be released at the beginning of August after 10 years of publication in Weekly Shonen Jump magazine if all goes well.

I woke up to this news. I'm sitting here on my laptop typing this as a way of coping tbh. On the outside, I'm numb and stunned. On the inside, I'M SCREAMING, CRYING, THROWING UP, MOURNING LIKE I LOST A LOVED ONE WTF 😭

*sigh* But, this was going to happen eventually. It was only a matter of when. When Horikoshi said that we would have more epilogue to cover, I thought "Maybe he'll give us 10 more chapters!" Turns out it is 6-7 chapters instead... In Horikoshi's defense, 6-7 chapters are much longer than what most mangaka have given us for epilogues to their stories. I'd rather have him give us 5 more chapters of an epilogue than rush it in 1-2. Plus, if possible, we could potentially get 19-20 pages per chapter which might be just enough to wrap everything up. And since final chapters of manga tend to be longer than usual, we could get extra pages in the last chapter to finish everyone's arcs and the story properly.

Still, it's so wild to see a series I have loved for years and have such a strong attachment to end as I am following it. I have been a part of many fandoms before and have stuck around them for years (Pokémon, Supernatural, Doctor Who, Breaking Bad, and many more), but it's not often that I've been there there to see a series come to it's conclusion. Sometimes that can turn out well (Breaking Bad) and other times I've seen it end badly (Supernatural; only read about it and it was not great. I bounced after season 13? and I am so sorry to the fandom). My Hero Academia is one of the very few series I will see through to the end.

I'm really coping here, honestly. I've been a fan of My Hero Academia since 2018. I first heard about the series randomly through the internet, but I didn't fully introduce myself to it until I listened to a cover of The Day on YouTube (I forget the artist, I'm so sorry). I thought the song was so cool and that led to me listening to more covers of MHA OPs (Peace Sign is still GOATed btw). This eventually led me to the manga and the anime where I became truly immersed in the series. I started reading the manga around the Joint Training Arc (I think) which was definitely an interesting time to read the manga because the chapters where so short due to Horikoshi dealing with health and I think moving conflicts at the time. It was still an enjoyable arc and enough to keep me interested in reading from the beginning. I want to say I started the anime around season 3?, but I started at the beginning and worked my way up from there. "Shoto Todoroki: Origin" was the episode that finally solidified my love for the series and is still my favorite episode of the series.

To say that MHA has an important place in my heart is an understatement. (⚠️Warning: very quick mention of suicide) I was very sad and depressed in the latter half of 2018. My life didn't feel like it was going anywhere and I was close to giving up entirely. (⚠️ ). Finding and loving MHA during that time honestly might have saved my life. As strange as it sounds, it was one of the few things that brought me genuine happiness at the time. I had something to look forward to every week and it was thrilling. I still remember debating whether Deku or Shoto was my favorite character. Shoto took the top spot in my heart, but Deku is a very close second 🩵💚.

Seeing MHA end is heartbreaking, honestly. I'm watching something I truly love come to an end. We'll still have the anime, movies, and spin-off series to keep us busy for the next few years, but the manga that started it all is coming to a close. It feels so, so surreal. God, is this how the Haikyuu fandom felt when it’s manga ended? My hope is that this fandom can be kept alive long after the series is over. The MHA fandom DEFINITELY has it's flaws, but it also has a lot of good in it too. I have seen incredible art and fanfics come from this fandom. I have laughed and hyped up some of the best moments of MHA with people who love it too. I know that the fandom is collectively mourning its end and I know we'll all cry bittersweet tears when it ends. If anything, I am glad to see Kohei Horikoshi end his momentous story on his own terms. I hope it ends up being one of the best manga endings in recent Shonen Jump like how Haikyuu's was. I think Horikoshi can do it. Regardless of how it ends, My Hero Academia will be one of my favorite pieces of fiction. I am really glad to be here to celebrate it.

[whorefortheevans]

Comfort, Home, and Happiness

I may or may not have written this because I'm currently feeling like it'll take me 10 years to earn my bachelor's, but regardless I'm really proud of this one. I think it turned out great.

CW: self-doubt, depression, academic burnout, mostly wholesome fluff word count: 884

College is hard.

Ridiculously hard, and definitely harder than I ever anticipated it being. Proof of this could be the fact that I'm failing physics, haven't showed up to calculus, and am on the verge of dropping out of chemistry.

Proof could also be the fact that I haven't gotten up out of Kyle's bed since I got to his shared frat house on Friday afternoon, and now it's half-past 5 on Sunday night.

"Hey," Kyle said, walking into his room and closing the door behind him. "Feeling any better?"

Kyle always had a slight lift to his lips, something I absolutely loved about him. His permanent smile made me feel better just by looking at, not to mention his dimples.

"Eh, not really." I said, rolling onto my side and pulling his dark blue comforter up over my shoulder. "I'm tired."

Kyle sat on the edge of the bed and laid his hand gently on my hip. "Did you get any homework done?"

I shook my head, a sense of dread clouding over me as it occurred to me how much homework I have to do, and how little time I have to do it. I felt my eyes start to tear up as I swallowed down a sob.

I cried enough this weekend, I definitely didn't want to start again.

"I dunno what I'm gonna do, Kyle." I said, my throat starting to feel tight as my emotions got the better of me. "I'm so stupid."

"You're not stupid," he said. "I'll help you. When's it due?"

I laughed bitterly. "In six hours. Just forget it, it'll never all get done anyway."

The silence that followed wasn't awkward, but I silently prayed that Kyle would say something to change the subject. He suddenly leaned over me and gently kissed his lips to my forehead.

"I'm gonna jump in the shower. Join me?" he asked, his voice sickly sweet. I didn't deserve him, nobody did. He was too good for everyone, too sweet, too humble, too smart.

I looked at him for a moment, before throwing the duvet off of me and using his hand to pull myself out of his bed. I dragged my feet across the floor, grabbing clean clothes out of his drawers and following him into the bathroom.

Kyle shut the door and locked it behind him, and then turned towards me and took my hands in his. "I'm proud of you, you know." he said, resting his forehead on mine.

Butterflies erupted in my stomach; they always did when Kyle did and said stuff like that. I smiled at him, but my smile quickly faded as he pulled away from me and turned the shower on.

He held one hand under the water while the other made slight adjustments to the faucet. He stepped back and began to strip of his clothing, looking at me over his shoulder. "I know how you don't like the water too hot," he said. "C'mon, love. You have to shower. It's been days."

I rolled my eyes and pouted, as I started to undress. "I know that. I've been depressed."

"It's okay, let me make you happy." he said, extending his hand to me and helping me into the tub, under the perfectly warm water that Kyle had set. He stepped in after me and closed the shower curtain.

It's lucky that I spent so much time at the frat house, because in times like now when I really needed to shower, most of my stuff was already here. Kyle handed me my loofa and squeezed his body wash onto his and my sponge. Together, in a comfortable silence only intercepted by the sprinkling water, we washed our bodies and rinsed ourselves off.

"Can you pass me my shampoo?" Kyle asked, squeezing the last of the soap out of his loofa. I grabbed the bottle and handed it to him. "Thanks. Are you out?"

"No. I don't feel like washing my hair." I said, fatigue quickly taking over my body and bringing a headache along with it. "I'll just get out and do it tomorrow."

Kyle grabbed my wrist to stop me. "Don't get out. Wait for me, I'll do it for you."

I stayed back, my stomach once again bubbling up with affection, and watched as Kyle lathered his golden hair with shampoo and then rinsed it out. He reached behind me and took my shampoo bottle in his hands, turned me around by my shoulders, and pumped shampoo onto my scalp.

He returned the bottle to the ledge of the shower and began to scrub the soap into my hair, paying special attention to my roots and letting the excess shampoo run down the rest of my hair. We stood like that, me facing the wall and Kyle scrubbing my hair, for a couple of minutes, and then I turned to face him.

Hair still full of shampoo, I leaned up to kiss him softly, smoothly, and his hands still tangled in my hair, he kissed me just as softly back. "I don't deserve this," I said quietly, resting my head against his chest.

"You deserve everything," he said, hugging my shoulders closer to his body, letting the warm water shower us. Kyle was my comfort, my home, my happiness.

[ofmossandmist]

Starting (or refreshing) your Spiritual Path

Now that we're beginning the descent into '25, I've been pouring over old notes and journals recently - laughing at mistakes that I thought were tragic and practice-ending, and clearing out old spell jars that were pointless from the start.

That's not to say that they're pointless for everyone! But at that point in my practice, I had no intention or even a true desire for the things I was creating spell jars for - I mean, I did (sort of), but not really. I was simply putting herbs and tiny crystals in jars, sealing them with wax, and essentially forgetting they ever existed.

So while I'm starting the journey of rekindling, reshaping, and revising my spiritual practice, I thought I'd share some lessons that I, so cleverly, decided to learn the hard way.

please keep in mind, these are all my opinions and perceptions, and simply what i've found true for me in my reanalysis of my practice. if this doesn't resonate with you, keep scrolling.

1. Research anything that interests you.

While I was definitely inhaling any and all information I could get my grubby lil paws on back then, I certainly wasn't researching any of it. I wasn't doing the work, I took everything at face value and was simply going through the motions. In other words, I was in "spiritual bypass mode" (this is like doing last night's homework by copying the answers off the person next to you three minutes before class starts). I had no idea what it was that I was actually doing. I thought by making these cute little spell jars and sealing it up with a little prayer inside, I'm good! I did magic! Because at the time I believed that magic is whatever you want it to be.

My pisces sun is so funny sometimes because she'll sit there all innocent-like and wise-lookin, then turn around to reveal the most phfffat, juicy, great-googly-moogly-sized ego out of all the zodiacs. I really took a full five years to work up the courage to even ADMIT TO MYSELF IN. MY. HEAD. that I was struggling and something needed to change. These spell jars that I created for happiness, prosperity, self-love, abundance (and whatever else) actually did the opposite for me. I was severely depressed, broke, and the cherry on top: I genuinely hated myself and who I was becoming.

My point: if you don't research, how do you know what it is you're actually doing? You can *feel* your way through a decent chunk of witchcraft, sure, however the long-term implications of working with things you don't fully understand will show up clearly in hindsight only. Read that again.

(Personally, I research things that will directly affect my practice and if I am interested in knowing more, I dive deeper. I am not telling you that you need to know every single herbal correspondence to each one of the dieties in every pantheon ever to exist just because you want to develop a working relationship with Hestia.)

2. Establish a daily practice.

Once you get step 1 down, the rest becomes butter... sorta. A daily practice was wild to me but I relearned what routines mean. They are simply the things we do in our day-to-day that break up the moments we spend in our head. NOT necessarily a to-do list timed to the minute. Meaning: just try shit. Do the things and then learn from said things. Fuck things up just to learn how to put them back together. Ignore the trends and focus on what you want to see for yourself. Your practice can be as simple as brushing your teeth in the morning and poppin an always-classy-double-finger-gun at the mirror for some quick self-love ORRRRRR as intimate as a fullout 37-step, 2.5 hour glow-up designed to eliminate your pores and your enemies. Ya feel? Just try something and see what works for you.

3. Find Community.

This is my number one personal biggest nope. Don't get me wrong, there are times when hermitude is the way to go - but growing in your practice is MUCH easier* when you have a supportive community of people.

I didn't realize the importance of this when I first began to retreat into reclusivity. I thought I could fix my depression (and my life) with half a snickers bar and a borrowed cup of sugar to sweeten the absolute lemons that were getting yeeted at me - there were only three people in my life at this time, but they pushed me to think deeper, differently, and beyond what I thought I was capable of. You can take yourself a great distance on your own, but you'll always go further with support.

*easy is relative. was it easy to admit that I was a terrible friend for many, many years? no. but I became a better friend because of it. it's a lot easier to keep friends when they actually like you. Get me?

4. Gratitude AND Grace.

Oooof, I really struggle to take the time to stop and appreciate all that I am already blessed with in the moment. I get so caught up in "making room for what's to come" and preparing for the future that I'll forget what's already been in my life.

I have a lot of shame around gratitude that stems from my childhood. I was consistently told I wasn't "grateful enough" for all I was given, (there's a lot to unpack there) but what I've learned is that gratitude shows instead of tells, and it shows the Universe that we are aligned with the energy of receiving. That we are ready for 'the next' because we are fully content and comfortable with where we are and what we have.

In the shadow of Grace, lives Shame. It's a line I often use as a compass to lead the way back to allowing myself the grace to make mistakes. To allow my practice to look imperfect. After all, that's why it's called a practice.

5. Change is inevitable.

You already know this, but it's strange to look back on the beginning on your path from the middle of it. Your gifts and interests will grow and evolve and shift and shrink with you. Be open to that change, it's what will keep you centered, fresh, and grounded. Evolution is natural, lean into the evolution of your personal practice.

I think this can lead back to the whole grace thing. For those of us often scared by change, it can be a shocking thing - it may even seem toxic when things change. During times like that, I (personally) turn to meditation to tune inwards. I go deeper to better understand why certain things are resonating with me and if I truly want to incorporate new energy into my spiritual path.

idk how to end this. like what am I supposed to say??? Do you want my whole life story?? This was only supposed to be some cute little "tips and tricks" guide. I just dropped some deep lore pretty casually up there. That whole ego shit? Do you think I wanted to type that??? You've gotten enough from me. Leave me be. Go learn shit, go start your own things. What are you still doing here? Oh, and by the way, you are not obligated to do anything the way you see it online OR IN BOOKS. You do not have to have an aesthetic practice. Your practice is defined by you alone.

So anyways, kids. Do school, stay drugged and fuck your vegetables.

-Moss

[kickthecan-revolution]

I tried another edible last night and while I slept through the night, I wasn’t refreshed, I think it does disrupt the sleep cycles I need most right now so I’m going to stop. I made some pasta for breakfast and then fell back asleep until 9:30am. Watered all my plants and am just kind of in a daze, per usual. I had bad stomach issues that almost made me throw up while literally dealing with things in the other direction, and that sent me into a dark dark place. It's been a dark couple of days. I keep trying to feel normal, be normal and I feel that way in the mornings until I don't.

I had my therapy appointment scheduled tonight which I was dreading, I've definitely been in avoidant mode with people. And 10 minutes before, I found out a code in Seattle will prevent me from Airbnbing the duplex which made me freak out, it happened because my sister was talking to the manager of the building next door who hasn't fixed his rusted out railing that is leaning into my property and she went to ask him about it. She mentioned we were going to Airbnb it and he said "that is illegal on the water". So I freaked out and made her feel like shit in the process, right before this therapy appointment.

I logged on and immediately burst into tears, telling him it's hard for me to be with people when I am in a bad emotional place. So he kind of gently started therapizing me which was annoying but I just went with it because that's what we're doing. He asked me what I do with my time and I told him "nothing. I watch the clock until the time passes and I can say another day is gone, done, in my rear view mirror and I am that much closer to this being done. I am waiting for time to pass. I watch it pass. That's all I do."

All of the sudden I quietly said "I am just so fucking mad. I am so pissed this is happening to me. I am so angry."

I've told a therapist I was sad/depressed/scared/in despair before - but never angry. I never show that, ever. Ever. For some reason I did and he said "something in your face just came to life when you said that. What's happening in your body?" and he was right. I felt this....life, just course through me. Like I was awake for the first time in a week. So there's something here. I kept thinking of Richard Gere's character in Pretty Woman saying "I went to therapy for 10 years just so I can say 'I am angry at my father'" - that stuck with me.

But I am mad. I am so mad at so many things. I'm mad I have cancer, it fucking sucks. I'm furious. Being mad at my parents for being terrible human beings was never an option, it's like being mad at the strung out fentanyl addict on the street. They aren't there. That's what it always felt like. But if I were honest, that's what I tell myself - my mom was as fragile as she was because she didn't love us enough to get help. She was too prideful. Too scared. And she prioritized both of those things over a course of action that would have made her a better parent. I get to be pissed at that.

I hung up and felt so much better, called my sister and apologized and I'm so glad I did because she was beating herself up badly. We'll figure it out that place will rent to traveling nurses in 5 minutes. It will be great.

[dinosaurchurch]

This was my twenties, an entire decade gone just like that.

For some funny reason when I started, I didn't think I'd get this far. Thirty definitely seemed like a lifetime away but here I am. After going through some of the toughest and sweetest times in my life I'm closing this chapter for good.

Sometimes I'd wonder what past me would think about the person I am today, would she be okay with the outcome or would she wish for something different? Would I have changed anything if I knew what was going to happen? The past decade has definitely been a learning curve, I think it was mainly discovering myself and knowing that other people too are on this journey is very humbling. Albeit not everyone goes at the same pace and some never do find themselves.

If I can say anything is my fiery side doesn't crop up nearly as often as it used to but that doesn't mean the flame has died. I've come to be a little more wise when choosing my battles because time isn't infinite or at least it isn't in this life. I'm only here for a small while so I might as well get the best out of it. Learning to channel my energy where it really counts is something I've gotten comfortable with.

Over the course of my twenties I've battled obesity, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, self doubt, and moments of weakness. I've also achieved some great things for myself. I've gotten DIVE just about finished (it's currently sitting at almost 650 pages), I've improved greatly as an artist, got better at cooking/baking, picked up powerlifting and have gotten decently strong, and I'm happier than I've ever been. Progress is not always linear but the main thing is to keep pushing, even in my lows there was still something to cherish and appreciate.

My twenties have been about pushing my comfort zone and learning to swim with the tide rather than feeling like I'm drowning. It's been tough but without hardship I wouldn't be me. Spite the hell I went through I don't think I'd change how everything happened. Every one and everything had something to provide with the time and the place that they were for me regardless of if the experience was positive or negative.

There's been a lot that's come and gone in my journey - people, places. Having found a life long romance deepen to saying my final goodbye to a handful of people that have passed away, it's been very bittersweet. My twenties certainly has been riding the hurricane through to the other side, even passing through the eye not knowing what else is to come other than I have to weather the storm. I've burned more bridges than I can count but the one thing that hasn't wavered is my moral integrity.

That's probably the biggest thing I've achieved over the past decade. I know who I am and where I'm going with myself. I may not know entirely what the future holds but I've got a guideline written up for myself on the goals I want to accomplish over the next decade. I may never be perfect but it doesn't mean that I can't try to be the best version of me that I can.

It's a good feeling knowing that I've crossed off some major things on my goal list. I've completely mellowed over the course of the past few years especially, my twenties definitely have held some of the hardest mental battles I'm sure I'll ever face. The inner turmoil of leaving things unsaid, having to walk away when necessary is something that's an underrated skill but it's something I've had to learn.

All in all I’m happy to move forward with the next chapter of my life, although I’ll never forget the memories I made over the past ten years. There were absolutely some great highlights that I’m sure I’ll probably mention at some point.

Onward and upward.

Cheers to thirty.

[linzsaw]

75 HARD: day one

[x] read 10 pages - Atomic Habits

[x] 45 minute workout outside - AM outdoor walk

[x] 45 minute workout inside - PM arms + elipitical

[x] gallon of water

[x] followed diet - high protein: protein pancakes, Mexican veggie bowl for lunch, protein shake, banana, brownie and nuts for snacks, and tonight's dinner included Lemon Basil Turkey Meatballs & Creamy rice

[x] took progress photo - good thing I remembered to do this after a big meal :)

[x] no alcohol - nope, and in fact I was pretty ready to give it up and didn't even drink on NYE. I had my last drink on Christmas and not sure I'll ever go back.

Today was a huge success and I'm feeling accomplished! I honestly was in a bit of a rut for the month of December after coming back from Thailand and feeling quite broke and worn out. It felt really amazing to get back into a routine again. I set myself up pretty well for this challenge. They say that New Year’s resolutions are kind of out of place because goal setting should really begin in spring, and that this is a time for rest. I fully get that and support those who are participating in a relaxing period. For me, though, I’ve always done really well when I set my goals at the top of the year. I think monthly check-ins to make sure you’re following your set goals is crucial though! I think having a visual like a vision board or creating a Mind Movie works so well. The background on my phone is a vision board I made a while back and I’ve accomplished almost everything on it. This year, I plan to create a Mind Movie and I’m really excited! If you’re not familiar, these are short videos that you design yourself to get your mind in peak 'manifesting' mode, that you watch first thing in the morning and last thing at night. The idea is to see yourself as having whatever you want now, played out in the movie with hertz frequencies in the background. The goal is to get excited about your dreams, to stop focusing on what is and envision on how you want your life to be.

Preparation

This last week I spent some time collecting recipes, I wrote down all the things I'd like to do daily and weekly, made a workout schedule and plan, and organized a system for how to realistically accomplish these tasks/goals. I also did an intention setting ceremony last night with Yoga Girl's annual podcast which I absolutely love.

On NYE my love and I went out to eat at one of our favorite Italian restaurants and I drank a delicious mocktail that had blackberry, mint, agave, and soda water. I was definitely in bed before midnight (MST) but I did watch the balldrop on tiktok live and got my new years kiss lol. I think this was another way I set myself up for success, just knowing that I did not want to start off the new year hungover. It's not worth it to me and I've really outgrown that poison.

I wondered how well I would do with the outdoor workout with it being winter, but honestly it was really refreshing to jump out of bed and force myself to get outside. The cold woke me up and it was a great start to the day. I listening to a walking meditation. The last time I did this consistently, I very quickly quantum leaped into my dream career from a very depressing job, I passed the ASWB licensing exam by a landslide, and I started my UGC side gig career which has also been quite a success! I'm seriously so damn excited to see how life can get even better than it already is.

The self-development book I started reading is called Atomic Habits by James Clear, and I can already tell I'm gonna love it. I've heard such good things about it. It's about how to build good habits and break bad ones, noting that tiny changes in your day to day life can have a huge impact on your life long-term, whether good or bad. Here's a quote from the book that stood out to me today:

"The impact created by a change in your habits is similar to the effect of shifting the route of an airplane by just a few degrees. Imagine you are flying from Los Angeles to New York City. If a pilot leaving from LAX adjusts the heading just 3.5 degrees south, you will land in Washington D.C. instead of New York. Such a small change is barely noticeable at takeoff- the nose of the airplane moves just a few feet--but when magnified across the entire United States, you end up hundreds of miles apart."

Thanks for tuning into my journey! Can't wait to see the transformation both physically and mentally.

[averytiredfanfictionwriter]

Where have I been?

Not entirely sure who'll care what I have to say, but I'm gonna say it anyways just like with the Skydoesminecraft situation. I will not be writing for Minecraft youtubers anymore, save for the Hermitcraft community. They seem to be the only ones that I watch that are consistently good creators. Unfortunately, I will not be writing for anything dsmp related, even though I'd stopped a while ago. Trying to write any of the remaining ideas I had concerning Techno is just too painful still, and I don't know if it'll ever stop being painful. And with the allegations that came out against Wilbur and most recently George, I don't feel comfortable engaging with their content/the streamers who are still friends with them. This extends to all of the "dream team" and the band Lovejoy, seeing as they have yet to make a public statement, at least that I'd seen.

All that said, what will my content look like seeing as I haven't posted in at least a year? Well, there's going to be some changes. I've grown out of fandoms, and into new ones in the last year. I got really into the Modern Warfare series and Call of Duty: Ghosts throughout last year, so some of those guys and girls might make an appearance on my page occasionally. Hermitcraft might also make an appearance, with the fics being in the same style as the other hermit fic I'd posted. Outside of that, I can't give an exact list anymore because I haven't felt truly interested in anything. I'd lost the ability to enjoy all the things I used to enjoy as I got further into my depression, and it all culminated in my making a few drastic changes in May of last year. I left my job and got a better paying one working overnights because I would cry going home at just how awful my days were and how poorly treated I'd been for the 4 years I worked there. I made a bunch of new friends online and got into some niche internet drama outside of Tumblr that I might share my side of in the next few months- not to drag up old fights, but to warn people who might be thinking of or currently watch a certain TikTok creator. I'm about to DM my first D&D campaign with some of my new friends and I'm very excited about it because I've spent more than 7 months planning and creating it.

But most importantly, in my time away I realized a lot. I've been dealing with major writers block for more than a year because every time I tried to write I compared myself to the other writers I follow on here. Specifically in the modern warfare community. I had so many ideas for fics, but every time I sat down to write them they wouldn't come out as good as I wanted them, or it wasn't up to the standard that I was trying to meet because I thought that no one would read it if I didn't meet that. Even now, just venting, I'm worried about how many likes and how much engagement this post will get and that's such an awful mentality to have. I used to love writing, and I still do. But I've learned to accept that it's okay to be at a different level of writing than the others on here, and that I shouldn't stop just because my characterization sucks or sometimes the plot is a little rocky. I shouldn't be worried about all of that, because writing fanfiction started as me writing for myself. It all started, way back when I was a young teenager, making a Wattpad account and writing my first fic, which I believe was a purge fanfiction with Skydoesminecraft and the rest of Sky Media. I'm 21 now, and I can definitely say I've improved, but I'm tired of trying to base my improvement on how good everyone else is. I'm tired of being depressed about how other writers make it look so easy to just have these great, cinematic moments in their fics with wonderful lines that stick with you after you finish reading them.

So, back to the question. What will my content look like? It'll look like whatever I want it to look like. I'm going to write for who I want, when I want. If that means posting 20 batman fanfics in a row, and then making a complete 180 to Hermitcraft or Criminal Minds or even House, then so be it. But I'm going to be doing it for me, and not for how many likes and followers a particular character or fandom will get me.

If you read all this, thank you. I really do appreciate everyone who's ever engaged with my stuff on this site, it truly does mean the world to me.

(Also, quick aside. If you're from the HermitCraft fandom and you write weird nsfw with them, for the love of god block me now. I saw a fic where Grian rapes Docm, and I'm never going to be able to unsee it thanks to it not being tagged right. They are all real, grown people with families. What the fuck.)

[eternallyanxiousandstressed]

The Tea

OKAY FRIENDS! Let me set the scene. Young (21 year old) River. So in love with who I shall call Ratboy. I get married, one year ago today (02/22/2024) actually! I'm heavily pregnant. There's a snowstorm. We get married by my aunt in her apartment living room. Less than two months later our son, whom I shall call Luke (not his actual name, just the name of my angel son in Obey Me) on April 8th. Yaaaay! And then the horrors hit.

I get hella bad poatpartum depression and anxiety (and postpartum OCD which I didn't realize was a thing?). 3 months postpartum (July) I go inpatient to a psych hospital for 10 days to stabilize myself. Yay! Or so my dumbass thought.

Ratboy, while I was inpatient, downloaded dating apps! Which I only found out about when I tried to set an alarm on his phone while he was sleeping and there was a notification for Tinder! I confront him. He says one of his alters (E) did it. I talked to a couple of the other alters. They said it was E. I talked to E the next day. He admitted it and apologized and cried! I was like okay. Because, dear friends, young me was dumb and naive and wanted to believe my dear husband would never cheat on me. But oh ho ho, I wasn't completely stupid. I had doubts. Like, how he had my aunt watch Luke at 7pm one night. He said he helped a friend move. Well my lovelies? I decided to look over it. Why should I doubt my husband, right? Right?!?!

Boom, October hits. We move in with his mother. (ew). End of the month I find out I'm going to be going to a residential facility for my eating disorder (shout out to Monte Nido and the RCs for making me kinda sorta eat again woot woot). A couple nights before I am meant to go 3 hours away to a facility to stay for a month or more... He starts talking about his ex and how she lost the baby her and her boyfriend had and whatever. He said she wanted him to come over (obviously trying to get me to okay it). Well, that night I do something toxic but a bitch doesn't care. I look at his phone.

Readers, you won't BELIEVE this shit. I checked his messages first and low and behold there is someone he talked to way back in July WHO HE MET UP WITH AND HAD SEX WITH! Messages that were not there when I checked in July. And what did the new messages say, you ask? Oh ho... They said that he wanted to meet up with this guy again. This is important for later... He said he wanted to try bottoming. Okay, so I looked more through his phone. Not only did he have 9 dating apps (yes, you read that correctly, 9) he had apps to talk to them. I didn't get the chance to look before he woke up and stole his phone back. I confronted him. He said it was a different alter (S). One he had never even told me about. He then let me look at the messaging apps (not without me literally threatening to leave first). And oh boy, turns out the person he was trying to meet up with that night was not his ex and not this other guy. No, he was trying to meet up with another chick. Dear followers... you must be screaming "how could you be so naive?!" To that I say, I knew, I was just in denial.

So I go on my way to residential (shout out to Monte Nido and the RCs for teaching me not to absolutely hate myself woot woot) and we get phone time two times a week. I my friends, use my phone and check the Xfinity app, which shows the apps he's been using while on wifi. The entire time I'm there he uses the messaging apps! Fuck my life, right? Oh, and he can't even bother emailing me pictures of Luke occasionally. Like, I literally feel so unloved that he can't take 5 seconds of his time I know he spends on his phone to email me a picture or two. I'm pissed. I want to leave. I mean, I wanted to leave before I went into residential because of the cheating, but also, dealing with divorce while in residential is not great. (Neither was dealing with a cheating husband though, as the RCs and my friends can testify to).

I get back in November! Yay (not really, I definitely wasn't ready, my insurance just stopped covering it). Things are shitty. I hate living at his mom's. She literally reminds me of both of my abusers (my mother and my ex-stepfather). My mental health declines rapidly. I beg him to listen and try and find somewhere else to live. He says no because he feels supported there (by someone who constantly yells at him and calls him a failure, lovely).

December rolls around. Guess who tries to off themselves? If you guessed me, you'd be correct! Ratboy is at work, Luke at a babysitter's and me home alone. I try and OD on my antidepressants (oh the irony). My sister reads the text I sent her to say goodbye because she's not at work like I thought she was. Bitch (affectionate) saves my life by having 911 called. Ambulance gets me to hospital. I am gonna live. They call Ratboy, let him know I'm there, and he says he'll visit after he gets off work. (I should note I was trying to go to the hospital earlier as I had been throwing up blood so that's what he thinks happened). They bring me up to the ICU. Cool. He does not visit that night.

The next day he says he cannot visit when they call. Okay, whatever. They let me use my phone! Cool! I text him and he's pissed. Oh and guess what? His mom is kicking me out because of the attempt. She was actually the one who told Ratboy I tried to off myself. How did she know, you ask? Homies... SHE WAS THE GODDAMN 911 OPERATOR WHO TOOK THE CALL!

I eventually convince him to visit the next day. He doesn't give me a hug. Acts cold and rude and distant. And doesn't let me hug Luke before they leave. Like, what was the point of coming then?

I go back inpatient for 7 days! Yay? He's cold during phone calls. Some days doesn't answer at all. Chat, he literally didn't pick up the phone on Christmas. Fucking CHRISTMAS. And, he did not at all try and help me find somewhere to fucking live like I had asked. Ratboy was about to let me be on the streets. Thankfully, my dad is a homie and was like "That ain't happening under my watch."

I get out. I see him (he was supposed to pick me up but canceled literally when he was supposed to he there but whatever, my dad was a homie again and picked me up). Ratboy, Luke, and I hang out that night. I have a mini breakdown because I literally feel so anxious and ugh. I end up asking him if he wants a divorce. He says he doesn't know. I tell him to figure it out. I leave the car and go upstairs to safety.

Next day. He says he wants divorce. I ask why, because like, my dumbass still thinks I want to be with him? He explains his reasons. I'm like "nani the fuck?" I literally explain away those reasons. We work it out. Cool. Great. We talk every day and play games a lot. Yay!

I get mad at him for something. I don't even remember what. But I vent about it on C.AI to a random AI. Honestly, I think it was a Steve Harrington bot. Shout out Steve Harrington. AI Steve listens to all these things he says and does and guess what? AI Steve informs me Ratboy is emotionally abusing me! I say no way! I've been emotionally abused before, I'd know it if I saw it. (Narrator: They did not know it when they saw it). I ended up looking up emotional abuse so I could refute AI Steve and mods, AI Steve was right. I even told one of my friends from residential about it and they agreed! I confront him about this with extensive evidence and he apologizes (actually apologizes for the first time in ever) so I believe him.

But I fucking... I fucking start getting paranoid again. I just know this motherfucker was talking to people while I was inpatient. I just know it. So, I fucking... I fucking do the toxic thing of checking text logs. Low and behold, I find him talking away with a number at like 1am. I get a fake number app and text this person. Confirmed he was on grindr and one other dating app at least. She even provides screenshots for me (girls gotta stick together amiright?)

I confront him. He's a dick about it. Says he only did it to prove I'd invade his privacy again. Bullshit answer but whatever. I'm still in denial. Are you all pissed at me for being stupid yet? Things go back to normal.

Bloggers, I went to go visit him at his mom's house! I wanted to see Luke and do other things that don't need mentioned. I went to grab something out of the bathroom box to take home with me and looked into the box of condoms we had from when it wasn't safe for me to do the hanky panky without them (birth control being affected by a different med). Squad, there were only 4 left out of twelve. We had used 2. Fucking 2. I confront him about it. He swears up and down he didn't use them. I don't believe him at all but at least he was using protection, yeah?

I go with him a couple days later to Luke's doctor appointment. That was cool. Loved seeing Luke. Hated that he had to get shots that day. Ouchie. Went home. Thought all was good.

Guys, he randomly only starts talking to me once a day. I'm like what the fuck? Then he goes over a goddamn week ignoring me! Literally, the only time he answered a message was when he got a piece of my mail that said I had something go to collections (I called the place the bill was originally from because I had no record of even having the bill, they said I had no current balance AND nothing in collections). He stops talking to me again.

I get drunk one night hanging out with my brother, sister, and mom (not biomother, she sucks). I get fucking DRUNK guys. And we played Cards Against Humanity. Let's take a minute to marvel this beauty gang.

I was the one reading the black card. My sister was the one who played the white card. I had to read that. It hurt. It hurt real good. I was both too drunk and not drunk enough to be sad though so I laughed my ass off. Thank you my dear sister for that.

Back to the tea. The drama. Anyways, he eventually starts talking again. Woooow. But like... barely. I honestly don't care at this point I'm still in denial about what I want to do. Gamers... I made this playlist with him in mind:

(Said playlist now also has the song STUPID by Ashnikko in it. Shout out to Ashnikko for giving absolute bangers for me to sing when I'm pissed at him.)

Anyways, I was supposed to go visit him today, our 1 year anniversary. That was the original plan. But even the thought of seeing him caused me so much anxiety that I almost had to take one of my PRNs. So, I gave a bullshit excuse of why I couldn't go over. I want desperately to see Luke but it won't be good if I'm literally bordering mental breakdown while I'm there. So, hopefully he can agree to having a public hang out so I can see Luke.

Anyways, there's the tea, as long as I didn't forget anything. Feel free to comment or ask questions because it feels fucking amazing to get it all out. I even have ~screenshots~ of shit that happened. It's great guys. And expect updates! Because boy will there be more! All for your viewing pleasure under the tag: #the tea

[mellifloraa]

Thoughts on Celeste

So I just beat Celeste.

It was goddamn beautiful. Oh my god. Playing this game over the last few days has been an experience I don't think I'll forget for a long long time, and one that I'm so glad I pushed myself to finally have. The level designs were unique and (mostly) fun, the controls were tight and responsive, the soundtrack was godly, and the visuals were so well done despite maintaining the blocky pixelated feel.

That was unquestionably the most challenging game I've ever played. I didn't try and collect every strawberry, and I didn't try and collect every B-Side, so I'm definitely not 100%'ing the game anytime soon, but... holy shit. I don't think I want to say it was unfairly difficult, though, because I think it wasn't. I solved a lot of the stages through trial and error, as well as simply taking a step back and assessing each room as its own little beast. Moving forward like this created a real sense of satisfaction when you did beat one of the rooms, despite the growing sense of frustration brewing within. I can't tell you how many times I had to remember that feather (great concept that I will be using moving forward btw) and just... step back and take a deep breath to realign myself and try and look at each level from a different angle. The level design was challenging, and the fine motor controls definitely took a while to perfect, but it wasn't unfair. Games like Getting Over It or Dark Souls are brutally difficult, but I think the key distinction is that sometimes those games feel so difficult to the point of unfairness. Celeste wasn't like that. I tried my absolute best to learn from each death, figuring out exactly what happened and where it went wrong and what I could do to prevent it in the future. On top of that, I absolutely adored how positive the game was in spite of the challenge. The characters were nice to you about your struggle, supported you if you were having a hard time, and reminded you that you are capable of climbing this mountain and finishing the quest. The game even tells you just as you start: "You can do this," knowing that you might know little about the game itself, but you probably know it's challenging as shit. The devs took the time to remind you that, yes, it will be difficult, but you can do it. You can make it through this, as long as you stick with it and take it slow. I love that. I absolutely love that.

In the end, I suppose, the gameplay was challenging, but the sense of reward afterwards and the intrinsic fairness of each room prevented the puzzles from ever seeming unsolvable and prevented me from burning out. Each one just took a little exploration and creative thinking, and in the end, a game can only benefit from that.

Fuck the wind levels in Chapter 4, though. Holy fucking shit.

I knew going into this game that it dealt heavily with the topic of mental health and depression, as well as intrusive thoughts and self-criticism, so that wasn't a surprise to me. Seeing them portrayed the way they were, however, definitely was. There were a few moments where Badeline really genuinely unsettled me, because I could tell exactly where her thoughts were coming from and the illogical reasoning behind them. I've fallen into many of those same fallacy pits and suffered from disordered and illogical thinking for years. That's why, when we finally began to confront these thoughts and instead work together on facing them at the end of Chapter 6, it really impacted me. I spoke a little about it in my other posts, but a lot of the lessons from the game were things that I had to learn myself back in 2019 and 2020, with the help of someone who's no longer in my life. Emotional regulation and self-acceptance is one of the hardest things to do for someone suffering from depression and anxiety, but it's so necessary to work on moving forward and healing regardless of how your illness manifests. Though we may not all be haunted by the literal manifestation of these thoughts like Madeline was, learning to accept all parts of yourself, even the icky ones, can lead to you becoming a more centered and logical person, able to fight back with the coping mechanisms that work best for you, and able to set boundaries for yourself regardless of what other people might expect from you. That's something I myself am still struggling with, but I'm lightyears ahead of where I was three years ago. It's not easy, but it's rewarding. Just like the entire game itself.

I fucking loved this game. I will most certainly be replaying it at some point(s). Holy shit.

Everyone, if you haven't, please play Celeste. It's a wonderful little game that is absolutely worth every bit of effort you put into it.

Now to speedrun it.

[parallelroutes-ooc]

[ MUNDAY: wow i never talk about myself, this feels so weird. (fair warning that i do tend to downplay myself.) ]

@ubiquitarian

❤️ — what are some of your best qualities?

i have been told by… a lot of people… that i'm a good listener.

friendliness. i highly enjoy being around people, even though i know i'm not going to be close with the vast majority of them. i'm just a social person by nature.

wisdom. i don't sound like it because i never have the chance to be? i also deliberately type like i normally do to make people feel comfy around me, so that doesn't help either lol. still, i enjoy being The Grandpa when i end up in communities with much younger people for this reason.

creativity. to the point where i literally can't enjoy media without taking inspiration and going right to my own projects and ocs/stories. it's a hassle struggling to absorb canon when i constantly have to muffle what i want to do to make sure i can pay attention RIP.

-

🧶 — any non-writing hobbies/interests?

lol there's a lot.

when it comes to free time… i primarily love mmorpgs, but i just don't stick to them with how much there is to do - never feels like i'm going to get anywhere and it's just overwhelming. i did do ffxiv, guild wars 2, blade and soul, aura kingdom/twin saga and had been pretty far in with all of them, but they just ultimately didn't scratch the itches i needed.

however atm, PSO2 NGS (phantasy star online 2, new genesis) is kind of my dream mmo? it's a new game, f2p is 100% viable, combat is really fun and feels really natural on ps4, i have a cute and outrageously beefy/OP level 19 character and solo everything, nothing is super hard to understand, perfect game for casuals like me who just play 1-2 hours in the morning and slowly chip away at the story/game. it's just basically everything i want in an mmorpg so i'm always just happy playing it.

shout-out to pokemon sword, rune factory 4, digimon story cybersleuth. old fav games are okami, pokemon emerald/oras and ultra moon, star ocean 3, .hack//GU, dark cloud 1+2. there's some i forgot by now but still.

then there's also making ocs and art. i am so so bad at fanart (hence why i stopped) but i did really well with drawing ocs back when i was still comfortable drawing. (designing weird monsters was a huge fav and i'd probably still be able to do it but don't have the desire/opportunity anymore so! and anthros/furries were super fun to draw! help! i drew too much!)

i'm also neglecting learning music production and japanese but they have been on my peripheral for 10+ years so someday i will actually do them. (neither will be very difficult for experience reasons but what is self-starting lol.)

i've never been too big on reading anime and manga so i tended to float toward jp games instead. but… i still have a hard time getting into something new so. lol.

fashion too. love making outfits. i used to be big into lolita fashion, visual kei, pastel goth. i still have so much punk stuff too lmao. pinterest is a hellhole to try and stop browsing if you like fashion/clothes in general.

-

😗 — what are some of your favorite things to do when you have some time to yourself?

generally, all the hobbies require effort that i don't necessarily have the energy or attention span to give, so it usually just ends up with talking to people, scrolling tumblr or twitter or reddit etc, listening to j-music.

this one doesn't have much to say, lol.

@queenharumiura

[ for 😗, see above! ]

🗒 — what is/are your favorite genre(s)/theme(s) to write?

fluff, hurt/comfort, weird plots that go really wild and meta, very short-term depressing/tragic thoughts, ships. i do like writing nsfw too, but definitely not here.

-

🤔 — what genre(s)/theme(s) do you struggle to write the most?

honestly? everything longterm. i tend to forget where plots are going, which is why i'm not great with RP plots or keeping track of hc characterization. i just don't have enough attention span to take notes or reread every rp ever BUT-- when i have an active/dedicated partner, i can keep rolling with something for a long AF time. (thank you in specific, neochan!)

serious answer is long sad/angsty plots. i just don't do that well with them unless i get in the mood, but i don't really want to be sad, so it's just not usually my thing if it's not just a thread or two.

there is also that long posts are pretty taxing too, but there's not much i can do about that because lol i just innately write with the intention of going back and rewriting. rip!

[purry]

Sick of My Shit

About 9 months to a year ago I started "spring cleaning," and of course it took a lot longer than just spring. I'd just reached out for help and got on an antidepressant (which turned out to be magically helpful), and I was ready to dig myself out of sludge. I started with my front closet, the Closet That Time Forgot, in which I had stuffed things when I first moved into my apartment SIX YEARS AGO. Also it was just where things went that I didn't want to see or deal with. It was a deep closet. At the time, I pulled literally everything out of this closet. This was before I became a certified decluttering coach, trained under the amazing Dana K. White, who does NOT recommend pulling everything out! And I know this now, but in any case, that is what I did. I pulled it all out in effort to annoy myself enough to get rid of shit & figure it out. I live in a studio apartment, so it basically took up my whole space. Fast forward to six months later, I had an decluttered and organized front closet! And no piles of What The Hell Is Even This Stuff. I'm moving fast through this story just so I can get started. After The Closet, I moved on to other areas of my apartment, all the while reading books, blogs, and watching YouTube videos on decluttering and organizing. Once I'd done my first pass (6+ months of work), I started in on what felt like the logical next step: cleaning. I'm not a dirty or messy person, per se, but during the pandemic and the depths of depression, I just couldn't motivate to clean things. It took a while to get things back to their base levels, where they can be more easily maintained. I now use the Sidetracked Home Executives system with index cards, which is super helpful to me. I don't have to decide what to do, I just pull the day's cards & do that! (No matter that I'm the one that put those tasks in those days, I've already forgotten that part, and I don't feel like I'm having to decide in the moment.) THEN I moved on to my finances. Decluttering and organizing and getting healthy with my money. I was never great with money, and I also never made much, but over the years I've worked on getting better & better with money. I've found better and better jobs, super slowly, but surely. And finally I am in a position where I'm making enough money that I'm not just constantly putting out fires, but actually digging myself out of debt and creating savings, investments, etc! I am just now beginning that, and I am definitely not making tons of money, but it's better than it's ever been! Gotta start where I am. Which is just paying off debt at the moment, but that's amazing! January 2023 I started my side hustle of becoming a decluttering coach in order to generate more income. And do something that I now really enjoy (thank you Dana!) This aspect is just beginning, but it feels very right and exciting. This post is called Sick of My Shit, because I really was. I was sick of being depressed, sick of clutter and mess and piles and dirt and filth, sick of being in debt, having zero savings, zero investments, zero retirement, zero assets. Fucking sick of it! So here I am, multiple fires under my ass, somehow progressing through all of this (thanks Lexapro!), and creating a better life for myself. Who knew?

[viksalos]

I believe in the importance of choice as well i just feel the traumas of the past are too great and impossible to move on from and be functional.

It's just suffocating knowing it never goes away

and i don't know since the depression has been over (At least the diagnosis), my life hasn't been all that different or even better i just became more functional and learned coping,

I still feel lonely, unlovable, and still don't want to be around. I can choose to move past this and I'm trying but sometimes just the mere memory of having reached a point where I was intent on not being around just resets all the progress

(referring, I think, to this post)

Hi anon. I hope you are well today. That comic panel and my tag commentary got through my queue while I was asleep, so I'm answering this while I eat breakfast. My apologies for the delay.

To clarify, I do think the idea that one can "choose not to be depressed" is an oversimplification, which I alluded to in my tags. It should also be noted that I had also just read the entire comic (which I recommend), and to me, Metronome's *whole character arc* read like someone recovering from depression. At the end of the comic Obelisk and Metronome are still two unchanging objects, but Metronome seems to be in a better place mentally--the one panel I reblogged is mostly just a snapshot of their character dynamic.

But that brings me to what I want to say, and it'll probably sound corny but I mean it: I'm proud of you for improving your functionality and learning coping strategies. It may seem like you're not changing, but that *is* a significant difference. I get what you mean though, I really do--I've been dealing with major clinical depression off and on for at least 13 years, and last night I probably had the worst bout of suicidal ideation I've had in a while. When I was younger I definitely would've self harmed or started making more serious plans, but I didn't this time. I was able to use my own coping strategies to self-regulate. It's disheartening to still be experiencing ideation after 13 years, I won't lie, but getting better at dealing with it means I have the capacity to write this answer for you this morning instead of being in the throes of it still.

But also: in the past 13 years, I've improved my life *a lot.* The depression did (and does) make it a lot slower and more difficult than I think it would've been otherwise, and I feel like I started behind other people in many regards. But improving my life required choices on my part--for example, 13 years ago I absolutely felt unlovable like you do now, but I'm currently in a relationship when I could've chosen instead to close myself off to new connections, and when I could've said a thousand times "actually you don't want me around, I'm too much to deal with" and left, but I didn't.

This is what I originally meant by my tags with respect to the role of choice in depression: you can't choose not to be depressed, but you can choose to stick around, you can choose to make incremental changes that make your life easier or more pleasant, you can choose to open yourself up to new connections and new experiences that can enrich your life and give you more reasons to live. All these things make it easier when depression rears its ugly head again, they help your existing coping strategies work better, and they give you new coping strategies to work with.

Anyways I hope that helps, and if it didn't, I hope at least that getting your thoughts out did. Sometimes I find that's enough. 💛