sweet weeping soul | remus lupin x fem!reader
summary: your friends aren't really your friends, and remus lupin helps you realise that. a (hopefully realistic) tale of toxic friendship and how one escapes from it, into healthy relationships, both platonic and romantic. angst -> fluff
aka five times you cry in front of remus and one time he cries in front of you.
warnings: toxic platonic relationships, crying, sadness, envy, insecurity
navigation | masterlist
+1
Remus Lupin makes you feel different, not yourself, per se. Around him, you become soft and reserved. It’s rare you have a conversation anyway— for you never really talk to him, or spend heaps of time around him. Lily is friends with him and you’re friends with Lily, so by extension he is your good friend too.
He is prettier than you and so kind, always with a cuddly quarter zip on or a fuzzy sweater. Sometimes he looks at you like he might kiss you, but you’ve seen him with other people and he looks at them the same, dark lashes nearly touching.
Remus has been told that he’s soft, all his life. There’s a steadiness gleaming from his kind honey-brown eyes, and a certain gentlemanly way to his neat strands of light brown hair. There’s gentle written all over him, and he always has a sweater on in the colder seasons. He always looks quiet, and he always is quiet, preferring to leave the talking to Sirius or James. Remus is everything consistent and everything mellow. A little mystery is woven into the way he does everything too. It makes him elusive, more interesting.
Mostly, he begs to differ. If you really get to know him, he swears like a sailor and is scarred like one too. His humour is snarky and sometimes crude. But he guesses that other people might be right, because he forgives too easily and loves too hard.
Especially as you’re alone at breakfast, sitting at your place down the table and playing with your food. You look a bit distraught, he thinks. Where’s Lily? And everyone else? You clatter down your fork because everything looks unappetising. Even the delicacies the house-elves prepare so painstakingly look dull and dreadful.
Remus notices your self-deprecating expression as a Slytherin girl passes by you and waves. She looks at you inquisitively and you respond with a small smile that is the furthest thing from genuine. She leaves with an arm hooked into her boyfriend’s, both looking worried for you. As she passes where Remus and the other Marauders are sitting, Remus can hear tid-bits of dialogue.
“Poor thing,” she says.
Remus decides you’re definitely not okay when even Sirius hums, “L/n isn’t looking too well today.”
You’re talking to Professor McGonagall now, a more amused smile on your face as you joke with her. But when she leaves you return to looking downtrodden and when you push your plate forward and start to get up from your seat, your eyes look empty. It’s when you hurry past him that he decides that he should go after you.
Fast taps against the tiles of the hallways alarm you. You turn and there’s Remus, long legs gaining mileage on you. He reaches you and you step to the side to let him go past. You’re confused when he stops before you. His eyes flicker down to yours and they’re filled with concern.
“Hey,” he breathes.
“Hi,” you smile politely and it doesn’t quite reach your eyes. Remus hates it.
“I’m sorry if this comes off weird or creepy, but I couldn’t help but notice that you don’t look very happy,” he says quietly.
You laugh. Again, it doesn’t sound right. It sounds forced and stuffy, “It’s not weird and I’m fine.”
“Where are your friends?” he asks, gently.
You shrug. It’s heavy enough that Remus can tell that you care a lot.
“They’re all gone?”
“I heard them early in the morning,” you say, nodding slowly.
“Are you okay then?”
No. You had heard all the girls in the dorm giggling as they got ready at six in the morning, tippy-toeing around your bed. When you peeked an eye open, feigning slumber, Lily was wearing one of her date night dresses, a pretty sun-dress that was only used for picnics. Trixie from Hufflepuff was there, and so was Olive. You squeezed your eyes shut and when they were all gone you noticed the picnic basket was missing. Dread pooled in your stomach and you tried in all your might to believe that they went for a date or were going to come back up to invite you. You thudded down the stairs and asked a first year sitting by the portrait about them.
“They were talking about a big group date,” she swung her legs, “Something about a park.”
You had smiled, “Thanks.”
You look at Remus, “Yeah.” But your voice breaks embarrassingly midway and your tired, disappointed mood starts to wear through. It’s impossible to put up a front in front of Remus, who’s gazing at you in such a fret. But he’s Lily’s friend and Lily surely had her reasons to not invite you. After all, you have your problems. It makes sense that it’s probably your fault and Remus deserves not to know.
Remus tries to gauge the problem out of you- wheedle it and make it clear that he does care. Somewhere in your half-hearted smiles he’s developed a crush on you because he thinks your attempts to make him less worried are so sweet.
But you simply shake your head every time he wants to know what’s wrong and ignore that he’s very close and very handsome.
You set off to your dormitory, but realise that you don’t really want to be there. Remus can tell from the conflicted look in your face.
“I’ll sit with you in the common room and you can please, please tell me what’s wrong. I want to help.”
He says it so earnestly that you nod, “Okay.”
“I woke up this morning and they were all getting ready for something, with the hair curler and dresses. That means going out, usually. And Lily was wearing her picnic dress, the one with little flowers on it. I heard them giggling as they all went out and I thought maybe they’ll come back for me. But when I sat up there wasn’t anyone in their beds and the picnic basket was gone. I didn’t know what had happened so I went downstairs to ask this first-year and she said they were going on a group trip, plus James.
“I feel so left out,” your bottom lip wobbles, “Because if this was a one time thing, I wouldn’t feel so bad, but they do this all the time. And I’m tired of constantly trying to join them when they haven’t even invited me in the first place. Every time they hang out they never think of me. I mean, they invited Trixie and Olive, and I wish I could say I’m closer to them than Trixie and Olive but I don’t think that’s true anymore. Every time. I’m sick of trying to take the initiative to make plans, and if I don’t they never think about me.
“In the holidays, they all went out to see this movie, and I get it, they all live near each other but they invited Hannah from Slytherin and not a word to me,” Remus’ heart pangs a little bit hearing your trembling tone, “It was only when I wrote to them asking if they wanted to see it with me that Lily said she had already seen it and so had Mary and Dorcas and everyone else. Okay, I accepted it, I did, and said we could go to the art gallery but no one replied.
“I tie my shoelaces and they never wait for me, but when they tie their shoelaces suddenly I have to be there, no matter what. And I can’t ever hang out with two of them because the others feel ostracised, even though they always leave me out. Lily gives me strange looks when I chat to Dorcas for more than 3 minutes straight. Once we were talking about volunteering for a charity and she looked back at me as if I was neglecting her, accusatorily. I wasn’t going to volunteer with Dorcas anyway, she lives in the Highlands. But then she can go and wrap gifts with Mary at the mall and not invite me,” your voice wavers.
“I know it’s small, but it hurts so much. The worst thing is that I’m the problem here. There has to be a reason why they never invite me and I don’t know what it is. I try to be a perfect friend and I always wait for them when they pack their bags at Potions even if everyone else is leaving. I don’t get it and it’s bothering me,” you cry out, eyes watering.
Remus wants to cry too seeing you cry, “Oh, darling.”
“I don’t understand what is wrong with me,” you despair, “I might not be the prettiest thing in the world, but I try,” voice cracking.
He needs to have a word with Lily, he thinks.
“There’s nothing wrong with you, gorgeous,” he murmurs, “Don’t blame yourself.”
“But there is. They’re really nice people, why can’t I see it?”
“Maybe they’re not nice people,” he offers.
“Don’t say that,” you whisper, “Lily’s dating James. Mary’s dating Peter. Dorcas is in your bookclub.”
“Well, love, they’re not very nice to you. And no she’s not, far from it actually, no he’s not, they split, and no, she left.”
“Guess I need a life update then.”
“Why don’t you talk to them about it?”
You murmur, “I hate confrontation and why would they change just because I told them to? I’m scared, Rem.”
“I get it, beautiful. You can sit with me and Peter and James and Sirius and Marlene and Queenie and Jolene at lunchtimes and whenever you want.”
He’s so good, he doesn’t ask any questions or push you. Your teary eyes gaze up at him in wonder and admiration and no one’s ever looked at him like you do now. Here he goes again, loving too hard.
“Really? I wouldn’t be intruding?”
“Never, lovely.”
You surge and hug him, which catches him by surprise but he melts into it. It’s the nicest hug he’s been given, ever. He doesn’t get many as a guy, and usually they’re half-hearted and rough, but yours is grateful and warm. He’s all red and flustered after it but he doesn’t think you notice and you don’t.
“We’re about to head to Hogsmeade, you wanna join us?”
You think about it, “After I get these tears off my face.” You hurry up the stairs before he can say a word.
“Nice going, Moons,” Sirius barges in from wherever he was hiding in the first place, hair slightly dishevelled, “You got some chocolate? I didn’t finish breakfast trying to stealthily tail you both up the stairs.”
+2
“He is just so delicious,” Mary sighs. You laugh, “Who, Peter?”
“Oh not Peter. Remus Lupin.”
You smile. Delicious.
“Pfft, Peter. I only dated him to get closer to Remus.”
Your smile turns into something that’s unsettled, but she’s too busy ‘ooh’ing and ‘ahh’ing over his “washboard abs” to see you, even though he’s got an ungodly amount of layers on.
“Speaking of, I think I have a crush on him!” she squeals and you smile again, kind of creeped out by her behaviour. You’re sure you’re just too sensitive about these things, “Will you introduce me?”
“Sure,” you lead her to where Remus is reading the paper. He looks up and he doesn’t give anything away. He's a mystery when he’s not too busy being soft. In reality, he can feel his heart start to speed up and his cheeks warm.
“Hey, he’s blushing,” Mary whispers. Although it’s loud, Remus can hear it and feels self-conscious.
You whisper back, “Shhh, I’m sure he’s not. Hi Remus.”
Remus nods at you, “Morning.”
“Oh he says morning, what a cutie,” Mary giggles and you giggle too, though Remus hears the strain your voice is in.
“Remus, meet Mary Macdonald. She’s my friend. Mary, meet Remus.”
Hm. Remus thinks, remembering to be polite. He should give her the benefit of the doubt. He extends a hand, “Hello Mary.”
You watch their interaction, spiking a little bit of disappointment in you. Is it at Mary paying more attention to Remus than you (and rightly so, you think. If you were that pretty you’d have people clawing at your feet too.) or because Remus might like Mary?
You miss how Mary looks at Remus hungrily. He swallows, uncomfortable, looking towards you and grimacing. You nod, a minute dip of your head, and carefully pry Mary away from him.
“C’mon Mary, you promised to drop me off at my class.”
She studies her nails, “Actually, I need to go to the bathroom. You think you’d be okay with going alone?”
It’s not really a question, and your face falls. You walk alone. Remus has just witnessed Mary lying, because instead of turning three halls down to the left and turning to the right one hall down, she begins to flirt with him. It sours his opinion of her.
“You free this Saturday?”
He shakes his head, “Nope.”
“Next Saturday?”
“Nah.”
She sighs, “Handsome, let’s not play hard to get.”
He shrugs, “I’m not.”
“Why won’t you?”
Remus isn’t brutal enough to tell her the real truth, which is that he hasn’t heard good things about her. So he says, “I’m not interested and you dated my friend and broke his heart,” which is pretty accurate in itself.
“Enigmatic.”
He sighs, returning to his paper.
A few hours later, you’re confronted with an awful truth as Remus sits peacefully opposite you reading a book. He’s in pure bliss as his eyes skim the page and his fingertips brush the edges of the paper. His hair flops in front of his eyes and you resist the urge to touch it. There’s a little smile on his lips.
You like Remus a lot, and you can’t, because Mary likes him. It feels forbidden, and you can’t imagine how Mary would react. Friends didn’t like other friends’ crushes, they stayed a comfortable distance away from them. Rule 2 in the book. And Mary brings it up at night.
“Say, Y/n, would you mind not being so close to Remus?”
You’re finishing up a Transfiguration essay and look at her, caught off guard.
“I’m not actually that close with him,” you laugh, “At least not romantically.”
She narrows her eyes, “Yeah, I know that. As if he would ever be romantic.” with you, she means.
You’re silent, ignoring her dig at you. This is a critical part of how to be a good friend. You don’t want to ruin Mary’s ventures with Remus but you really like him, both platonically and romantically.
“Could you back off? I know you both are friends and whatever but I need this.”
You chew on your lip. It’s a shame, because you did like him and Peter and Sirius and James and Marlene and Jolene and Queenie. You still want to be friends with him. But Mary has a jealous streak and you’ve seen the girls who she’s left torn and beaten.
“I don’t think I’ll ruin your chances, Mary.”
“Neither do I,” she says harshly.
You’re struck by her sudden tone. It’s curt, snappy and it’s loud. It hurts. You immediately find the tears swarm in your eyes. So you startle, “I forgot, I need to go find Marlene to get some advice on the essay.”
“Since when have you known Marlene Mckinnon?”
You leave, tears flowing as you furiously wipe them away. Remus is downstairs with Sirius, and Sirius is begging for chocolate for some reason. You catch his eye. He immediately calls to you, but you pretend to not hear. You can’t hang out with him anymore. You hurry down to the Prefect bathroom. It’s always empty there.
You sit down by the bath, pacing out your breaths. Soon you calm down, and when you have the energy to look around you, you see Remus leaning against the door. There’s a crease between his brow.
“Rem, I can’t be near you much anymore,” you blink at him, “This won’t be a surprise to you but Mary really likes you. I don’t want her to be uncomfortable, or think I’m trying to steal you from her.”
Remus’ frown only deepens, as you refuse to meet his eyes. He hooks his fingers under your chin and lifts your head up.
“Aren’t you?” he grins. He thinks if he’s going to want you he might as well want you right.
You bring your hands to his and you gently take them away, patting his hand, “Don’t. Even if I’m friends with you, it’s too friendly for Mary.”
“Honey, you don’t need to do what Mary says.”
“It’s not what Mary says. It’s Rule 2 in the book.”
He laughs, “Rule 2 in the book. And what’s Rule 1?”
“Never leave your girls hanging for boys. I feel like I’ve betrayed her.”
“Well, you can always hang with the others, right?”
You nod, “We’ll see. I’ll see you around?”
His eyes are filled with something unreadable and mysterious. He wants to be with you, so badly, he wants imploringly to show you what you mean to him. But he nods, he understands, and pecks you on the cheek. “Remus!” you admonish. He’s smirking away, the last you see of him is the imprints of a shy smile, latent and alluring.
You smile, feeling bitter as you tell Mary, “I’ll leave Lupin alone, Mary.”
She flickers her eyes up at you, “I didn’t think you weren’t going to.” She looks bored, and you feel nothing but disappointment.
+3
“Wait up, Lily!” You call. You wish you didn’t need to, but you guess that you’re forgettable.
She stops, a little disgruntled.
“What’s got you so excited for today?” You ask her, slinging your bag over your shoulder.
“Well, certainly not Potter going to ask me out and me to reject him. He hasn’t in a while, so that’s been a relief.”
You laugh, “Are you missing it?”
“Never.”
“Don’t you think rejecting him that harshly is a little sad?”
It’s true. He’s nothing but nice in his advances. All he does is give her flowers, most of the time he doesn’t say anything but frown when Lily pushes the flowers roughly back into his grasp, and leaves disappointedly. He’s been doing this for only a little while, and he looks less and less infatuated with Lily each time. Once she turned to you smugly, and you raised your eyebrows.
“Must be nice having no guys pestering you for attention,” she had told you.
You had cheerfully agreed with her, but inside you were heartbroken.
Lily enters the hall, an expectant look on her face. Instead of James waiting by the big door, he’s eating, no flowers or chocolates in sight. Remus turns and gives you the tiniest smile. You give him a sympathetic one.
“Huh. No flowers.”
You stay quiet. If you say something, it’ll come out berating or pathetic to Lily. Maybe if she didn’t always brutally dismiss him or flame him to no ends, he might continue, but isn’t this what she wanted?
You talk to Queenie, who pouts, “Can’t tell you, sorry Y/n.”
You’ve seen James with Regulus, the latter denying his love though not like Lily had. It’s accepted and Regulus returns the affections, though in his own cold way. James looks happy whenever he’s with Regulus.
Lily calls to James, “Potter, I didn’t see you water the plants today.”
James shrugs, “Okay, Evans. They’re watered. I got someone to do it. Someone much more competent than me.”
At that he winks at Regulus, who goes red and smiles tenderly. Sirius rolls his eyes, whispering to James, “Oi, eyes off my brother or you won’t have eyes at all tomorrow.”
Lily’s curt all day long, and snippy. You don’t dare to say a word to her and tippy toe endlessly after she scowls at you for asking if she wants some hot chocolate.
At the end of the day when you’ve come back with accompanying Dorcas to the Potions storeroom and three of the girls come surging, whisking Lily away but never offering you with the same warmth. At the end, you quietly slip away from the group. You have this harrowing feeling you don’t actually belong with them. No one notices and you press your lips together.
“Girl’s night!!” Dorcas yells.
There’s only a little more to go till you graduate and you’re officially able to leave the dormitory. Maybe they aren’t so good for you. You just wish you could be included more, cherished. What if I don’t deserve to be cherished? The question swirls in your mind, distressing you. When you bump into Marlene near the quidditch field, trucking down from practice, she sets down her broomstick and takes off her gloves.
“Don’t see you here often, darl,” she sits next to you, “You’re in the firing zone of Sirius’ wild bludgers, by the way.”
Sirius is hovering above, hitting bludgers fiercely. One zooms past your shoulder, only because Marlene nudges her broomstick to the bludger. You barely flinch.
“Hey. Are you okay?”
You look at her, “Yeah, I’m good. Just wanted to get some fresh air.”
“At 8 in the night? Where are your friends?”
You feel so vulnerable right now. “I’m- I’m with you. You’re my friend.”
“I know. Okay,” Marlene thinks for a second, “Where are your dorm mates?”
You sob, “They’re having a girl’s night.”
“Without you?”
“I…” To be truthful, you don’t know where you are with your friends. It makes you even more emotional. You feel tears well up in your eyes. Marlene makes a strained noise and you see she’s crying too.
“Oh, don’t make me cry too,” she sobs, “I can’t handle emotions.”
Sirius notices, and nearly gets taken over by a bludger. “Moony,” he shouts, “We’ve got a problem.”
“We’ve or you’ve?” Remus asks dryly from the sidelines.
“You’ve. Not I’ve but you’ve,” Sirius points to where both you and Marlene are sobbing together.
“I’m only one man, there are two of them,” Remus looks at Sirius meaningfully.
“Fine.”
“Which one do you want?”
“Marlene.”
Sirius flies over to Marlene, mounting his broomstick.
“Marlene, you good?” He crouches down on the grass.
She glares at him, tearily, “Do I look okay to you, Black?”
“Right, well, why are you sad?” Sirius has the tact of a three year old although Marlene’s too busy crying to care.
Marlene points at you, “She’s sad, so I’m sad.”
Sirius hops up, and pats the incoming Remus on the back. “They’re all yours, Buster.”
Remus sits down next to you, “You know, there’s a cloud over there that looks like James.”
It really doesn’t, it’s night and you can’t see much. But it makes you huff a laugh out. Remus relaxes. Marlene stops crying.
“It’s pitch black, idiot,” she grins.
He smiles boyishly.
“Marlene?” you peek up at her, still halfway to dry eyes.
“Mm?”
“Can I stay at your dorm for the night? I don’t really feel like going back to mine.”
“Sure. Okay, I need a shower. I can’t be hugging you all stinky and sweaty.”
“You smell great,” you smile at her.
“Thanks.”
“No problemo.”
You turn to Remus, “Shuffle over some ten centimetres please. For Mary.”
“Mary’s having a girl’s night without you, sweet thing, does she really matter?” Remus moves nonetheless.
“Yeah,” you hiccup, “I want to be a good friend.”
He doesn’t question you and leaves it at that.
Marlene comes out, drying her hair with a towel.
“Are we good to go?”
“Yeah!”
“C’mon.”
You look back, “Bye Remus!”
He’s smiling so softly your heart thuds. It’s the prettiest smile you’ve ever seen. You wonder what he’s thinking about.
He’s thinking about you. Sweet weeping soul.
+4
The scene’s set. It’s a sweeping plain overlooking the rest of Hogwarts, symbolic and gradual. This is where you’ll graduate. It’s bitter, but you’re mostly ready to move on from school. Of course, you’ll miss days spent with fellow students and the teachers, and the school grounds where you spent so much time laughing and loving, but you think you’re okay with going solo. You haven’t worked out where you’ll be staying, there’s still ten weeks left in the school year where seventh years hang around aimlessly and try to soak up as much of Hogwarts as they can. But you know if you don’t find a place to stay, you can always bunk with your parents.
You already find yourself shedding tears, as you go up to give a speech. After the procession, McGonagall calls you over.
“Oh darling,” she cries, mascara muddied from her watery eyes, “I’ll miss you so much. Thank you for being such a good student. Have you got a place to stay? A job? I’ll always be open to giving you the Transfiguration professor role so I can focus on being Deputy Headmaster.”
You laugh, “Professor-”
“Please, we’re both adults now. Minerva, or Minnie, or Mins, or Nerve.”
“Nerve?!”
“Sirius Black does have some calling me that.”
Both of you let out watery chuckles.
“Minnie, thank you so much for being my Professor,” you wipe the corner of your eye, “Oh I have to do this eleven more times. You know, I’ve learnt so much from you and you’re just a dear. I can’t believe I’m leaving this place, forever. Not yet, and yes, I applied for a position in the Ministry.”
“Don’t forget Hogwarts. Please visit, weekly.”
“I will, and I won’t forget about that Transfiguration job.”
“Please, remember it, you always had a competence for most things you did. Even Magical Music, which I remember you saying you hated, despised, loathed, and were terrible at, but Professor Quavers thought you were a very capable student.”
“Minnie,” you weep into her shoulder, hugging her, “Please remember me.”
“I couldn’t ever forget you,” she leans to whisper, “You are one of my favourite students.”
It makes you cry even harder. In the end, you take a picture with her and exchange emails, phone lines, addresses. She hands you an envelope, which later you learn encloses automatic recommendation letters and some gift cards.
This is done eleven times more, teachers bestowing you with gifts and promises of communication. By the end, your hands are full and you put the things in your bag by your chair, going to join Lily, Dorcas, Mary, Alice in taking photos. Mary’s voice shouts, “I still like Remus Lupin!”
“Cheers to the new apartment!” Dorcas’ father says, “What beautiful girls.”
You freeze. They had an apartment planned and ready? Maybe you’re ready to leave your friends. You turn away, crying more when you see Queenie.
She beckons you over, “Come take photos with us.”
You smile. Everyone huddles close. Remus is beside you, all wily and eyes sparkling with tears. “You alright, darling?”
“I’ll miss you, Rem. You know I haven’t really gotten to talk to you much, but you’ve been nothing but wonderful to me.”
“Ask her!” Jolene hisses.
“Right, so, I, we, the guys and the girls, are going to rent apartments with each other. Do you want to join us?”
You’re starstruck. You start crying in his arms, and he looks very concerned.
“I’m sorry, I just can’t keep them in. Of course I want to join you, you guys are amazing.”
“Sweetness…” he wipes your eyes with a handkerchief he has yet to use.
“Remus, Mary, remember? She still likes you. I know you’re only doing this as friends and she does too, but she doesn’t like people hanging around…” you meet his eyes.
He looks at you again in that unreadable way and you don’t know what to do. Sirius is quietly taking pictures of you two with his expensive camera. He likes the way Remus looks at you and the way you don’t seem to know what it means. Fine photography. Would make an excellent engagement gift. I'm so smart. He flips the camera. And so handsome.
"Get a load of you," James scoffs.
+5
You haven’t watched Mean Girls yet. Queenie finds that astounding, and so everyone must attend the movie marathon she holds. You hang your coat up on the rack, stepping out of your shoes and sighing.
“How was work?” Marlene asks.
“That question makes me feel so old,” you huff, cracking your joints, “It was so-so. Marcus tried to harass Heron into getting Jerome out of the project that he and Heather are working on.”
“Oh really. That mother-”
“Evening!” Sirius barges into the apartment, wearing his suit, “Did you know, Marcus was-”
“Harassing Heron into getting Jerome out of the project that he and Heather are working on,” you finish, “How does the public relations sector know that?”
“We do have excellent public relations.”
“Where’s James?”
“He’s picking up Regulus.”
“Awh,” you coo.
“I wish James had a sibling so I could date them too,” Sirius grouches.
“Don’t be like that, Pads,” Peter strides to the fridge, kissing Jolene on the cheek and grabbing a can of kombucha, “They’re so good together.”
“Good my a-”
“Language!” Marlene calls.
Someone knocks on the door. You open it and Remus is standing, stretching. A little strip of skin shows as his shirt lifts. His top button is undone and he looks tired. But he still looks at you the same, red on his cheeks and red lips turning up. I can’t be loving him like this, you think, it’s overwhelming.
“Hey,” you open the door.
He smiles at you, “Doing well, honey?” He doesn’t say much at all, but when he does it’s always followed by a “beautiful” or “pretty” or “doll”.
A chorus of greetings come from around the television. He nods, turning back to you, “I gave exams back today. Talked my quota full.”
Beaming at him, you hand him a bowl of popcorn, “We’re fine with it. You speak as much as you want.”
He smiles at you again. He’s doing a lot of that. But then again, he’s always like this when he’s tired. At a bar, he’ll be tilting his head, smiling at you through fatigued eyes, begging James to go home. When he’s up grading papers, he’ll be smiling at you, the same melting eyes and lashes nearly touching. And you always say, “How much of your soul did you trade to the devil for those lashes?”
He never gets it, and he says, “Comes with the beard I need to shave off every morning.”
You’re snapped back by a slamming of the door as James comes in with Regulus.
He’s right– he doesn’t talk much, just sitting back on the sofa, observing and listening. He watches you most of the time, and he sees when you’re about to cry. Your breathing gets unsteady and eyes start finding anything else to look at. You tremble as you reach for popcorn, and excuse yourself multiple times, and you manage to stop crying mostly. None of your friends notice much, too busy yelling at the screen, but he does.
You start bawling when Regina’s influence over the rest of the girls vanishes, and Remus immediately turns to you, leading you across the hall.
“I’m so sorry,” you ramble, “Why is it that I’m always crying when I see you?”
Remus doesn’t mind– he likes that you feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable around him.
“It’s just that– that movie reminded me so much of my old friends and it’s all too overwhelming thinking about them. I mean, they haven’t called, I don’t know where they live and I’m so grateful but also I feel so bad about it.”
“Hey, it’s okay. They didn’t deserve you.”
“I know, but the movie hit so close to home, Rem. I’m so glad to have you.”
Remus pretends that by ‘you’, you mean him, knowing it means the whole group of them.
You sob quietly, bundling his shirt into your hands. He lets you, and he’s quiet about it. You’re a sweet weeping soul, rendered that by your ex-friends. But he wants you so much.
+1
“Good news,” you announce, going into Remus’ apartment to recite to him what you had just read in your weekly mail, “McGonagall got a dog, his name is Hubert and he’s a border collie. Also, Mary has a boyfriend.”
You had had to write to Mary to tell her you were moving across the corridor from Remus. She hadn’t replied. None of your friends had bothered to ask where you would stay. You had decided those friendships were over. Still, you kept a friendly distance from Remus. You had only known she’s gotten a boyfriend when the boy himself wrote to you asking you for your blessing. You had written back, telling him that you and Mary were no longer friends, but nonetheless that you wished them well. It was a sign that you were truly over it.
You’re searching through his apartment, when you hear quiet sniffles coming from his room. You knock, then enter. Your heart aches as you see Remus leaning against the wall, crying.
“Rem…”
“Go away,” he mutters, muffled.
“Remus.”
“Oh.” he doesn’t lift his head to look at you. You sit next to him on the floor.
“What happened?”
“I like this girl.”
You try to fight your own disappointment back, and smile, though it’s warped.
“Yeah?”
“There’s no way in hell she likes me back. I mean I’ve done everything to show her I do. I’ve called her pet names, tried to be charming, hell, I’ve even flirted.”
The disappointment is winning.
“And I get it, because I’m all gnarly. But it hurts.”
He continues, “And she’s…perfect. Like, really beautiful. She’s kind, so charming, so empathetic and she has the prettiest smile.”
You pretend you’re glad for him. You’re really not. You want to leave, maybe he’ll stop talking about her. But you still listen, because you do care. As much as it hurts you to know he likes another girl, it also hurts you to know he’s sad. Lovely, caring Remus, with his shyness and comfortable silences.
“She’s really everything to me, and I don’t think I’m much to her.”
“Don’t say things like that, Remus,” you begin, “You’re a great guy, and any girl would be lucky to have you, especially her.” The words don’t sit quite right, they feel sour on your tongue.
“I’m not good enough for her.”
The words crush you, and you frown.
“Hey!” you snap, “Remus John Lupin, you are so good, and so kind. I can’t bear to hear you badmouth yourself like this. You are not gnarly. I think you're charming. Love yourself for me, Remus, please.”
He looks at you, eyes swarming with that emotion.
“Thank you, darling.”
–
Remus catches you by surprise when he’s standing by your desk.
“What are you doing here, Remus?”
“Good evening, fine sir! How are you doing? I’m well, thank you!”
“No, seriously,” you cross your arms, “This is the intelligence department. How did you get in here?”
“Let’s just say, your boss is a 60 year old woman, and I sure know my way around them from playing bingo with my grandmother and her friends every Saturday.”
“Glad to see you’re feeling better.” And he looks better too, creases gone from under his eyes, which are now blinking endearingly at you. He had told himself he would tell you, and that would be it. Queenie tells him that you do like him, but he can’t believe her. He’s tapping his foot nervously.
“I am. When will you be off work?”
“I just have to send this email and I’ll be done.”
“Great!” He pulls out a book and starts reading. You finish your email, click send, shut off your computer and reorganise the files on your desk. You put on your coat, and put your bag on.
“Ready to go, sweetheart?” he asks.
"Yep.”
“Lovely, we’re going to take a stroll around the block. It’s a…thanks for the other day.”
You smile, “You’re more than welcome.”
You pass by a flower shop. He stops, “Hey, I want to get a present for you know- her.”
You feel your heart pang, “Yeah, sure," and then follows the obligatory, "Need some help?”
“Obviously.”
You step in and the bells jingle. A friendly shop attendant pokes her head from where she’s cutting roses.
“Hi Remus,” she grins at him, wiggling her eyebrows and he blushes, “And you are?”
You smile, “I’m Y/n.”
“Petunia Evans.”
“Lily?”
“Yes. Are you his girlfriend?”
You laugh, you’re flattered that anyone would ever think you’re his girlfriend, “Oh, I’m not his girlfriend. We’re actually here to find Remus’ crush a present! I’m Y/n,” you shake her hand.
“His crush, you say?”
“Yeah, his crush! By the way, I’ll tell you my favourite flower, can you psychoanalyse me?”
She giggles, “Okay!”
You whisper it in her ear and she starts a long tale of surprisingly accurate details of your life.
“Damn, you’re good.”
“Thanks. Remus, is there anything you’re looking for in particular? For this crush?”
Remus blushes.
You go to inspect the flowers at the front to hopefully get cheered up by the bees and the butterflies that touch down on little sprigs of pollen. You won’t revert to the sweet weeping soul that they made you. Remus buys some flowers and sets them down on the counter.
Petunia takes her dinner break and slips out of the building quietly. You’re admiring the little glass panes on the wall which let the right amount of light through, walking backwards and around the room. Remus is wondering when he should do it, turning uncertainly and walking towards you. You turn quickly too, “Remus, look at the ceil-”
You crash into him. He catches you, flowers in one hand, you in the other. You’re very close to him– he smells like a forest and chocolate. His eyes flicker to yours and there’s the expression again.
“Sorry,” you smile, stepping away. He doesn’t let go of you, instead pulling you closer. You look up to him with wide eyes and he’s so red all of a sudden. He brings the flowers to cover his face.
“These are for you,” he murmurs.
“Awh, but you really didn’t need to,” you grin, bringing the flowers up to your nose, “I offer my services for free!” They are so nice, and he's so nice.
“Services?”
“You know, helping you pick out the flowers and all.”
He sighs, “Darling, I don’t know how else to say this, but, I want you. I don’t have a crush, you’re my crush, I just never had the guts to say it. I want you by my side, all the time. It was hell on earth trying to stay away from you all these years because of Mary. I don’t know if you even like me, but I really, really like you, maybe even love you.”
You open your mouth, then shut it, eyes wide with sparkling, “I like you too.”
“Really? Because you don’t need to say it back just because you’re nice, I’m a lot of things but I don’t know if handsome or boyfriend material is one of them.”
“Rem, I adore you. You are so pretty and you always are comfortable when I’m crying and upset and raging.”
“Can we try this out then?”
“Of course we can. I’d do anything for you, Remus Lupin.”
“And I promise I’ll never make you a sweet weeping soul.”
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