otto, doing something with good intentions: are you sure you want me in your life. i bring a lot of trouble you know. and i helped you just for my own benefit. this money isnt mine by the way. so like im gonna give it to you. just out of pity or whatever. no its not my money haha why would it be my money. also we didnt like Murder those people haha why would we do that? they fell off on accident <3 dont worry i lied to the authorities for your sake - i mean. they. um. i told them the truth about what happened hahah. also did i mention already that youre better off without me in your life. and im gonna leave the moment theres danger. just so you know. so like dont be surprised if i leave you. also im not gonna tell you why im doing any of this for you. the reason why is so boring anyway. its not like i care or anything. idiot. but also maaaaybe im kind of the worst person ever oopsies 🫢 and can you stop putting yourself in danger. its.................................. a lot of work for me and totally not concerning me at all. ugh why am i still stuck in this goddamn job. yeah i know i couldve left like a year ago, im staying here because. because. um. well im too USEFUL now the entire place would fall apart without me. who else is gonna do your paperwork huh?? i do it way better than all of you because all of you SUCK ASS at everything around here. no its not like i Care that much. like yeah youre my friends but i already warned you ages ago about the consequences of keeping me around so you deserve me complaining to you actually.
otto, doing something bad: i LITERALLY mean well okay :<<<< this is FOR YOUR OWN GOOD why arent you thanking me on the spot and listening to my advice already. ive never been wrong about anything EVER in my whole life. you should be bowing down to me and kissing my little forehead and telling me im right BECAUSE I AM. im the BEST PERSON EVER right now. i LITERALLY deserve so much better than this. im going to save all of your asses and then youre going to come fucking crawling back to me the moment you need me again, i guarantee it <3 im Extremely useful and youd miss me the moment im gone. right? right. right. im right, right? please notice me and listen to my extremely good advice 🥺 why are you saying its bad advice??? cmonnn stop ignoring me :((( just because im lying to you, keeping secrets from you, manipulating you, hoping everyone else dies for your sake, repeatedly trying to abandon millions of people, etc etc DOESNT MEAN that im wrong and ive Never been wrong. Ever. .......yeah a bunch of people are gonna die, so what? have they tried like, not standing in the way of my goals? 🥺
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thinking about the expert masseuse Alfred hired for the family that is paid a small fortune annually to provide massage services and ignore so, so many things. No questions, no remarks, just quality service and an ironclad NDA that, if broken, would probably topple said masseuse’s entire family line.
Things Alfred is paying them to ignore, in no specific order:
Bruce’s spinal hardware courtesy of Bane :)
weird amounts of muscle on everyone, even the kids (despite them allegedly not working physical jobs)
scars
FRESH scars
the fact that every joint in Bruce’s body clicks when moved/manipulated at the tender age of 42
Olympic athlete level physiques
rotator cuff injuries across the whole family
scars that are definitely from bullets and/or acid splashes
old signs of what looks like torture (Bruce)
Dick’s entire left arm is basically screws and plates (he “fell really bad” once)
every single family member takes deep tissue massage with max pressure with 0 complaints
calluses
no really, the weirdest fucking calluses
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I have some questions about karaoke night, Alex Hirsch. Very Important Questions. Which I will happily scream at a poor hapless baby triangle who can have no answers for me, and possibly also does not have object permanence yet.
Follow-up that is I guess suggestive, but let's be real here, Bill's a fucking triangle:
Dude slipped right into his birthday suit, lmao
this is so stupid :D
Anyway, I don't care what anyone says, this brilliant individual knows what's up - Bill is absolutely way more of a monsterfucker than Ford could or ever will be, full stop.
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