#to feel unloved despite the fact that your mother literally died for you

[wrenwinchester]

When Lucifer killed Cas, and Mary sacrificed herself for Sam and Dean, both of them were heartbroken.

Sam reacted how Cas would have wanted him to (he wanted Jack to get a chance to save the world), Dean reacted how Dean always reacts, emotionally and defensively.

[redphlox]

Dabi's fear of feelings and connections

Dabi is a walking contradiction; he says he doesn't care about anyone, but his flames, which are linked to his emotions, demonstrate otherwise when Twice is killed. Dabi brushes off the news that Natsuo could have died because of him but still refers to him affectionately as Natsu-kun. Touya went around calling Endeavor out for neglecting his children but still trained to regain his approval and attention anyway. He lashed out at baby Shouto, admitted Shouto had done nothing wrong, and then attacked him again years later. He cries blood while thinking about his family but doesn't go home to them or change his actions which hurt them even more. Dabi wants to destroy hero society for a better future but it's obvious he doesn't plan to live long enough to see that future.

The gaps between his actions and his words are a result of dissociation and repression. It's not that Dabi is emotionless. Actually, he feels too much and he's afraid of his feelings because they've done nothing but hurt him emotionally and physically. He literally almost burned to death the one time he had a burst of emotion on Sekoto Peak and in order to prevent a repeat of that, he operates under the flawed notion that safety lies in repressing his feelings and pushing people away. He lies to himself and others and therefore cannot reconcile with his true self and can’t trust others.

In this meta I'll discuss how Dabi deals with his unprocessed feelings of betrayal and neglect by denying himself connections with both his inner wounded child and those around him. I'll also address a few misconceptions surrounding Dabi because dismantling them is key to understanding him. Contrary to popular belief, he does not want to kill his father, he never wanted to be a hero for his own sake, and he doesn't hate Shouto or his family. At its core, Touya's hurt stems from discovering that his relationship with his father wasn't based on unconditional love. This realization destroyed his sense of self so much it caused him to start fearing his own feelings and being close to others because of the link between his emotions and his self-destructive quirk.

To understand Dabi we have to understand Touya. In 291 we see through Endeavor's flashback that Touya was eager to train under him and carry his legacy. It's implied by the fact they’re working on ultimate moves that not only is Touya a willing, eager participant but that the two have been training together for quite some time. In 301 we learn that after Touya's quirk started hurting him Endeavor not only abandoned the training regime but also abandoned Touya both emotionally and physically. Instead of using the time he spent training Touya to help Touya find a new hobby or purpose in life, or just hanging out with his kid, Endeavor chooses to remove himself from Touya’s life. When Touya confronts him about the change of routine, Endeavor is seen putting on his jacket and leaving the home, his body turned away from his son.

Maybe Endeavor had errands to run, but my point is that he was in Touya’s life one minute and then gone the next. Touya says so himself: why did Endeavor change his mind all of a sudden? The abrupt change in attitude was jarring for a 4-5 year old to handle. To Touya, training = love, so he felt compelled to keep training and demonstrate his worthiness despite the fact that his quirk was hurting him. To Touya, the pain was worth it if it meant hanging out with his dad again.

But why? Well, Touya was Endeavor's #1 fan, genuinely so. His admiration and fondness for his father was genuine, and he didn't question the triumphant look on Endeavor's face when Touya said he wanted to learn the ultimate move. Before his quirk started burning him, Touya had no idea he was born for his father's ulterior motives. He had no reason to question his father's attention. Touya lived under the impression his bond with his dad was genuine and special, and he probably felt lucky that his father was willing to share something so important to him (heroism). Even after the training stops and Endeavor stops paying attention to Touya, Touya still wears his merch and vies for his attention. Most kids see their parents as larger than life and Touya was no exception. Keigo Takami admired Endeavor the hero, and Touya Todoroki admired his father who just so happened to be the hero Endeavor. Since being a hero was such a big deal for Endeavor, it was a big deal for Touya.

But that's where Touya's story becomes tragic. His father is a flawed, flawed man with many insecurities and fallacies that he pushes onto his family. I’ll get to those in a moment, but as intelligent and observant Touya is to catch on that Endeavor never set out to marry to become a father, he is too young to separate himself from his father’s expectations. Touya realizes he was born for a purpose and Touya will be damned if he doesn't fulfill that purpose even if he knows it's wrong. His father's ‘love’ meant that much to him. For Touya, it's not about becoming a hero for the glory. It was about his relationship with his father because, as I mentioned earlier, Touya was his #1 fan in the sense that he loved Enji just for being his dad. There were no conditions tied to that. “You are my dad, and I love you.”

But that wasn’t a sentiment that Touya felt in return, and that hurt Touya. He internalized he wasn't good enough, that something about him was inherently wrong. But more than that, his world came tumbling down - he felt betrayed and lied to: his father didn't love him like Touya needed him to, and this truth destroyed him. Their relationship was a lie, a farce, and it hurt so much Touya became obsessed with not hurting anymore because he couldn’t get away from it.

Touya’s motivation to become a hero didn't rise from being inspired by All Might like Shouto. Touya’s thought process wasn’t "I want to be a hero to help others or be like All Might" like Deku. No, Touya only wanted to be a hero because he wanted his father to be proud of him for surpassing All Might. Notice that Touya's obsession with beating All Might slowly diminishes from “I can surpass All Might” to “I can surpass All Might like Shouto, too” to just “look at me, Endeavor.” It was never about being a hero per say, but about his relationship with his father. Touya realized that Endeavor isn't his father first, but a hero, and he understands that he has to be a hero too to fit into his father's world. Even upon realizing that his father was using him, Touya still wanted to be part of his life, still wanted that bond. Touya, in his desperation to be loved and accepted again, could look past his father's selfishness as long as he regained that approval. Touya could pretend the relationship was real as long as he stopped feeling so unlovable.

This is unhealthy thinking, of course. Even if Touya somehow managed to regain Endeavor's approval, the relationship would still be one-sided and dissatisfying because he wouldn't be able to ignore the truth. But, this is how he rationalized his insistence to keep training in his 4-5 year old mind and this line of thought stuck with him as he grew up just as those feelings of inadequacy never left him.

This is precisely why Natsuo's drowsy "can't you go talk to our sister?" hurt so much. Touya was already emotionally fragile, and hearing that felt like being rejected all over again when it was actually Natsuo just trying to sleep. Touya was hypersensitive to any words or actions that could be interpreted as dismissive. His trauma wouldn't listen to logic that Natsuo was 8 and too young to understand, that he was tired - no, Touya's brain said, you're being rejected again! This is also why he also stormed away crying from Fuyumi after she expressed her concern for him.

In Touya’s mind, why couldn't anyone just agree with him that he was good enough? He heard "your dad's right and you're not good enough so why try" not "I care about you, your father is wrong, and I don't want you to keep getting hurt" whenever Rei tried to get him to stop training because that's the message he got from his father, too. Nevermind that it infuriated Touya that his mother could stand there and preach to him when, from his perspective, she couldn’t take her own advice. All Endeavor ever did was teach him to turn up the heat, so why should it matter that doing just so hurts him? Touya didn't understand NOT training his quirk because he had been taught that raising his firepower was ideal in all situations. Those two statements didn't make sense to a 4-5 year old, a 13 year old, and it still doesn’t make sense as a 24 year old.

To take Endeavor's lack of self awareness a step further, because it's important to understand Endeavor to fully understand Dabi, Endeavor has yet to realize his own inherent worth. He doesn't have to prove anything to his family, especially his kids. They love him unconditionally, without special reason aside from the fact that he's theirs and he's himself. However, Endeavor is so obsessed with proving himself that he doesn't realize he never had to, and he projects this onto his children. They must prove themselves by winning the genetic lottery, by being useful to his plans, by surpassing All Might.

The irony that to be a great father he doesn't have to be a hero at all is ugly because Endeavor has no identity outside of being a hero. Endeavor has said before he wants to be a good hero and father to make Shouto proud, but he fails to realize he already had this in Touya all those years ago and it still left him unsatisfied. The issue isn’t his role as a hero, it’s his inner self. In 301 Endeavor literally reaches out to Touya to talk him out of training and hurting himself, and Touya allows his father to touch his shoulders because he wants a bond with his father - any bond. Shouto, on the other hand, wouldn't allow Endeavor to touch him in 167 and slaps his hand away because he doesn’t want Endeavor’s approval. Endeavor doesn't realize Natsuo carries deep abandonment and neglect issues because he wanted to be accepted by his father too (light novel #5) but was ignored. Endeavor doesn't realize he was always good enough by default and that by projecting onto his kids and trying to be the top hero he’s doing the opposite of what he wants. He just keeps pushing away his family.

It’s important to point out Endeavor’s illogical thinking because Touya learned some of these same ideas. Touya repeatedly tries to prove himself without realizing that he was always good enough by default. The problem wasn’t his quirk or his body, but his father’s flawed thinking and self-worth issues. Now as an adult, Dabi is selfish because he's Endeavor's son and emobidies his most negative characteristics. Dabi thinks of his flames as Endeavor's, and he thinks of himself as an extension of Endeavor because that's how Endeavor set him up for life. Touya has no identity to fall back on after his father casts him aside. He was supposed to be Endeavor 2.0, but now that title is Shouto’s. Dabi doesn’t hate Shouto as a person, but he has tricked himself into believing Shouto is their father’s puppet. Shouto is a doll being used by their father with no self agency, and Dabi is going to break all of Endeavor’s toys. It’s nothing personal against Shouto, it’s just Shouto’s bad luck that he happens to be Endeavor’s masterpiece. This is why Dabi doesn’t hurt Shouto when they first meet at the training camp, and why Dabi stops attacking Shouto after Endeavor passes out - it’s not about Shouto. It’s about Endeavor, and breaking Endeavor. Touya is still there trying to be part of his father’s world, only this time not as a hero but as a villain who will end his own suffering. He doesn't want Endeavor to die, he just wants him to suffer, to ruin his dreams. Dabi thinks of it as justice.

But because Touya is still there, there is still that goodness in him, too. His connection to Fuyumi and Natsuo is still there, repressed and compartmentalized. It’s why he calls them affectionately as Fuyumi-chan and Natsu-kun. Touya’s pain is so great he has decided he’d rather end it than to carry on and look elsewhere. He's stuck, rightfully so. He recognizes his mother is a flawed person and ultimately doesn’t blame her for being a victim - she could have done more for her son, but he still sees her and his other siblings, even Shouto, as people who fell victim to Endeavor’s abuse who don't challenge their situation. Dabi sees himself as someone who does stand up to the abuse but doesn’t realize he still wants his father’s attention. He's always wanted it. That's why he went around at 13 condemning his father's treatment of his children but still trained to prove himself. This is part of the reason he became a villain.

Not to mention that Dabi literally can't cry. He has no way to release those emotions, so instead of trying to let them out, he pushes them down. But that doesn't work and is detrimental in the long run. In 290-294 we saw Dabi's flames burn so hot during his confrontation with Endeavor and revealing himself as Touya that his burns have spread. Dabi is afraid of his feelings because of their connection to his flames, but he also uses his feelings to his advantage. He wants to go out in an inferno along with Shouto just to hurt Endeavor and put an end to his own suffering and Endeavor's career. This is why Dabi doesn't bother calming himself down or denying that he never forgot how he was treated when he lived at home. Dabi became emotional in that battlefield, smiling maniacally instead of crying because he physically can't cry. In his mind, if his feelings are going to destroy him, he might as well use them to prove a point. After all, he has experience being used. It's why he was born.

I'm not saying any of these actions or thoughts are healthy or correct or condoned, by the way. Trauma responses don't make logical sense and usually aren't healthy. Knowing how the mind responds to trauma, it's understandable that Touya still wanted his father's attention even if it was abusive. In fact, this is how children often respond to abuse. Their caretaker/parent is all they know and they cling to these figures. Often times when authorities try to remove a child from their abusive parents, the child doesn't want to go because this parent is all they know and they do feel like they love their parent/caretaker. I’m not saying the authorities got involved in this case, because obviously they didn’t, but this same mentality of abused children can be applied to Touya. Touya, in his four year old mind, probably convinced himself that if he was good enough everything would go back to how it used to be.

So, to sum up Dabi’s character, of course he doesn't make any sense. He’s still that hurt 4-5 year old who is trying to protect himself from ever getting hurt like that again while still wanting his father’s validation. Of course he doesn’t want to get close to anyone, not even the League. He doesn't want to be vulnerable or let people in or form connections because the last time that happened he was let down, forsaken, and it hurt so much it literally made him lose control of his quirk to the point he almost died. When Twice is killed, Dabi consoles himself by saying he didn't care anyway, all to prevent another emotional fire. Dabi is a master of compartmentalizing and boxing away his feelings - this is probably why, 310 chapters into BNHA, we have yet to have a few chapters in his POV or his backstory. He's disconnected from himself. He knows his plot to get justice will hurt his siblings and mother and to live with himself and move forward he represses those feelings.

Because of his father not showing up on Sekoto peak, Dabi has to live with physical disabilities due to his scars and memories of burning alive. He doesn't want to go through that again so he lies to himself that he doesn't care about anyone or anything. He denies that he's still in pain while simultaneously seeking validation of his pain. He acts like he doesn't care about his family but still calls them affectionate names. He acts like he hates Endeavor and calls him by his name but still wants his attention. He decided long ago that he would die destroying Endeavor's career because that was the thing Endeavor cares about most of all in this life. It's a "you hurt me so I'll hurt you" mentality. He has tricked himself into thinking this is justice, failing to realize this won't make him feel better if he doesn't die by his own hand along the way.

Dabi is full of resentment and spite, both of which take root from feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and the loss of a purpose and the realization that he wasn't born to be loved for who he was but as a tool for his father. The first betrayal he suffered was in the form of realizing his father didn't love him genuinely, and this was identity-breaking for him. He never recovered from it. The second betrayal, the reinforcer, was his father not showing up to Sekoto Peak. Since then, Dabi is reliving his trauma over and over again the more he uses his quirk and the more he faces Endeavor. To be saved, Dabi needs to accept that he is loved unconditionally and needs to be validated that he was right to feel thrown aside and used.

[thewriterowl]

How about some truly, truly angst headcanons about Luke?

Because angst Luke is the best Luke

Oh no, Luke-angst. I can give you the Luke-angst. Now some of this is mine, some of this is cannon and some of this is EU and possible, and i heard from @elloitselmo it's major oof

So, this is more cannon...but have you considered how Luke has pretty much witnessed the death of pretty much everyone he cares about? Though just born, he saw his mother die. He saw the remains of his aunt and uncle and knew they did not have a good death. He saw Obi-Wan die. He saw Biggs die. Saw his beloved Tauntaun die. He saw Dak, his comrade in siege of Hoth, die. He probably made a lot more friends in the rebellion he saw die. He was a leader in the rebellion and he saw his followers die. He saw Yoda die. He saw his father die.

He was bullied. Called names. Probably beat up. Had very little friends.

Owen refused to let Luke feel fully like family (for his own fear of him ending up like his father) so he was kept at arm's length from the one man who could've been a close father-figure for 19-years of his life.

Tatooine was apparently pretty miserable to him and he was very unhappy and lonely there.

He's been kidnapped a few times. Potentially more than what we know of.

Has clearly been tortured.

He tried to kill himself when he found out Darth Vader was his father.

His father has been responsible for horrendous atrocities and inhumane actions. He was nearly killed by said father. His hand was cut off by said father when the man KNEW Luke was his son. Very likely haunted Luke as well as hunted him after they parted.

Luke had, consciously or unconsciously, put a lot of his self-worth into his unknown father--wanting to know more of him and try to be like this image he made up in his head of what he figured his father would be. A lot of his view of himself as a person was greatly shattered after the revelation.

Apparently held this secret and clear depression to himself for three years. No one, not even his trusted friends, knew what he was dealing with. No force ghost came to him either.

Was very likely badly wounded after Palpatine but still dragged his massive, dying father a distances to help save him. Then had to watch him die, then had to be alone with his body in a ship, then had to burn and mourn him alone.

Is likely he suffers from the trauma, physical and mental, from his time in the rebellion and facing the Emperor.

Did not stop giving himself to the galaxy, even when he was exhausted and burnt-out. Probably never took a break either.

In the EU, he tried to save thousands of people...they died. He sort of pushed himself with all of them, feeling them die, probably experiencing their death, so they wouldn't be alone. Blames himself despite the fact he didn't have anything to do with it.

Would not be surprise if he does this often.

Do not see himself as a hero. Probably sees himself as a monster. Is probably viewed as a god to many, which is something that disturbs him and makes him ill.

In the EU, he was called the Emperor by Imps since he killed the other and that made him seem the rightful heir (which is probably worse than being seen as a god, being compared to Palpatine)

Has probably suffered many mental breakdowns on his own and has never told anyone.

Had to deal with a huge surge go power in his body over a short time of like, five years. that was probably incredibly uncomfortable.

Is probably terrified of going Dark and being like his father. Even though he already face that choice and still came out good, he probably feels that because he lost his temper and hurt his father he wasn't good or in the Light as much as he would hope to be in.

Probably has an unhealthy relationship with food. And sleep. not sure if he gets much of either.

Is so empathetic he probably feels a lot of pan from other people all the time.

Someone has tried to kill him because of being Vader's child. Very possible others have made him a scapegoat for their hatred of Vader, even though Luke is seen as the one who brought down the Emperor and Vader.

He had to tell Leia that, hey Vader, the guy who ruined so much of your life, the guy who literally held you and made you watch as your planet was killed?? That's your dad. He probably had to provide a lot of support for her with that horrible news.

Probably seen as his father's son, and Leia as her mother's daughter, and is compared to him a lot despite him being so much more like Padme. Another reason he has a lot of issues because apparently no one sees any good in him that his mother had.

The sequels. Nuff said.

Has no self-worth, probably no self-love. Berates himself constantly. Probably feels pretty unloveable.

Probably takes a lot of missions that could end in his death but he isn't bothered cause he isn't worth much and he needs to save people.

So much of this isn't a personal head cannon but stuff that has probably happened to him.

And hey, he still manages to be the kindest man with the brightest smile for anyone!

Haha, everything hurts.

[gffa]

OKAY, IF I’M GONNA DO THIS, I’M GONNA DO IT PROPERLY.  WHICH MEANS YEAH IT’S GONNA GET REALLY LONG. A couple of things to say ahead of time:  Lucasfilm’s Story Group has always said CANON > WORD OF GOD when it comes to these matters, so when I quote canon examples from supplementary materials that contradict what he says, that’s LF’s official position, but that doesn’t mean that an influential person like Dave’s views couldn’t affect how things will be shaped in the future, like Deborah Chow listening to this may be influenced by it on the Obi-Wan show, despite that Master & Apprentice contradicts him.  It’s an incredibly murky area!  Mileages are going to vary.   Another thing to keep in mind is that Dave Filoni never worked on The Phantom Menace, that was long, long before his time at Lucasfilm (which I think he joined sometime around 2007? and TPM was released in 1999), that he has worked with George more than probably anyone else, but we cannot and should not treat him as infallible or the True Authority on things, because even Dave himself has said things like: “I mean, I know why I did that and what it means, but I don't like to explain too much. I love for the viewers to watch stuff and come up with their own theories -- and they frankly come up with better things that I intended.”  --Dave Filoni, Entertainment Tonight 2020 interview Or, in the same episode as the above Qui-Gon interpretation:

So, when I dig into this, I’m not doing this out of a sense of malice or even that I suddenly hate Dave or don’t appreciate all the incredible things he’s brought to SW, but in that I disagree with his take, Dave understands that he doesn’t always get it right, that he enjoys that fans come up with different things than he does and sometimes he likes those even more.  There’s room for both of us and, for all that Dave mentions George a lot (and, hey, fair enough, the guy worked with George and I’m just quoting what George Lucas has said) doesn’t mean that this is straight from George, especially because I have never seen George Lucas utter so much as a peep about how the Jedi were responsible for Anakin’s fall.  He has explicitly and frequently talked about how Anakin’s fall was his own choice, as well as I’ve never seen him say anything Jedi-critical beyond “they were kind of arrogant about themselves”.  I have read and watched every George Lucas interview I could get my hands on and maybe I’m still missing something, but that’s literally the extent of him criticizing the Jedi I have EVER seen. (It’s from the commentary on AOTC where he put in the scene with Jocasta to show they were full of themselves, but I also think it’s fair to point out that Obi-Wan immediately contradicts this by going to Dex for help, showing that it’s not necessarily a Jedi-wide thing.) Before I go further, I want to say:  this is not a post meant to tear down Qui-Gon, he is a character I actually really do love, but the focus is on showing why the above interpretation of him is wrong, which means focusing on Qui-Gon’s flaws. He has many wonderful qualities, he is someone who cared deeply and was a good person, I think things would have been better had he lived!  But Anakin’s choices did not hinge on him, because Anakin’s choices were Anakin’s, that has always been the consistent theme of how George talks about him, the way he talks about the story is always in terms of “Anakin did this” or “Anakin chose that”, and the Jedi are very consistently shown as caring, they believed very much in love and Dave’s own show (well, I say “his own show”, but honestly TCW was George’s baby primarily and he had a lot of direct, hands-on say in crafting it, through at least the first five seasons) is plenty of evidence of that. I’m not going to quote the full thing because this is already a monster post, I’m just going to focus on the Jedi stuff, because I like the other points a lot, but if you want the full text, it’s here.  The relevant part is: “In Phantom Menace, you’re watching these two Jedi in their prime fight this evil villain. Maul couldn’t be more obviously the villain. He’s designed to look evil, and he is evil, and he just expresses that from his face all the way out to the type of lightsaber he fights with. What’s at stake is really how Anakin is going to turn out. Because Qui-Gon is different than the rest of the Jedi and you get that in the movie; and Qui-Gon is fighting because he knows he’s the father that Anakin needs. Because Qui-Gon hasn’t given up on the fact that the Jedi are supposed to actually care and love and that’s not a bad thing. The rest of the Jedi are so detached and they become so political that they’ve really lost their way and Yoda starts to see that in the second film. But Qui-Gon is ahead of them all and that’s why he’s not part of the council. So he’s fighting for Anakin and that’s why it’s the ‘Duel of the Fates’ – it’s the fate of this child. And depending on how this fight goes, Anakin, his life is going to be dramatically different. “So Qui-Gon loses, of course. So the father figure, he knew what it meant to take this kid away from his mother when he had an attachment, and he’s left with Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan trains Anakin at first out of a promise he makes to Qui-Gon, not because he cares about him. When they get Anakin, they find him on Tatooine, he says “Why do I feel like we’ve found another useless lifeform?” He’s comparing Anakin to Jar Jar and he’s saying “this is a waste of our time, why are we doing this, why do you see importance in these creatures like Jar Jar Binks and this ten-year-old boy? This is useless.” “So, he’s a brother to Anakin eventually but he’s not a father figure. That’s a failing for Anakin. He doesn’t have the family that he needs. He loses his mother in the next film. He fails on this promise that he made, “mother, I’m going to come back and save you”. So he’s left completely vulnerable and Star Wars is ultimately about family. So that moment in that movie which a lot of people I think diminish, “oh there’s a cool lightsaber fight”, but it’s everything that the entire three films of the prequels hangs on, is that one particular fight. And Maul serves his purpose and at that point died before George made me bring him back, but he died.“  --Dave Filoni  I’m going to take this a piece at a time to show why I really disagree with the content of both the movies and The Clone Wars supporting what Dave says and, instead, contradicts it a lot. The rest of the Jedi are so detached and they become so political that they’ve really lost their way and Yoda starts to see that in the second film. He doesn’t explain what this means, but I’m pretty sure that he’s referring to this conversation: OBI-WAN: “I am concerned for my Padawan. He is not ready to be given this assignment on his own yet.” YODA: “The Council is confident in its decision, Obi-Wan.” MACE WINDU: “The boy has exceptional skills.” OBI-WAN: “But he still has much to learn, Master. His abilities have made him... well.... arrogant.” YODA: “Yes, yes. A flaw more and more common among Jedi. Hmm... too sure of themselves they are. Even the older, more experienced ones.” MACE WINDU: “Remember, Obi-Wan, if the prophecy is true, your apprentice is the only one who can bring the Force back into balance.” OBI-WAN: "If he follows the right path.” None of that has anything to do with being “detached” and, further, I think this is something that’s come up with Dave’s view of Luminara a lot, because he’s described her (re: the Geonosis arc):  “We were trying to illustrate the difference between the way Anakin is raising his Padawan, and how much he cares about her, and the way Luminara raises her Padawan. Not that Luminara is indifferent, but that Luminara is detached. It’s not that she doesn’t care, but she’s not attached to her emotionally.” Here, he says that the Jedi care, in the above, he says that the Jedi don’t care, which makes me think there’s a lot of characterization drift as time goes on, especially when fandom bombards everyone with the idea that the Jedi were cold, emotionless, and didn’t care.  However, look at Luminara’s face in that arc, when she’s talking with Anakin:

That is not the face of someone who doesn’t care.  She even smiles brightly in relief when Barriss is shown to be okay, that this really doesn’t convey “detached” in an unloving or uncaring way.  (We’ll get to attachment later, that’s definitely coming.) (I’m also mostly skipping the political thing, because I think that’s just a fundamental disagreement of whether Jedi should or should not lean into politics.  My view basically boils down to that I think ALL OF US should be leaning more into politics because we are citizens who live in the world and are responsible for it, and the Jedi are no different.  This is evidenced by:  - M&A’s storyline has Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan saving the day specifically because they play politics, that’s how they manage to free the slaves, through playing politics and being part of the Republic/having Senate backing. - The Clone Wars has shown that the Jedi believe “lasting change can only come from within” and “it’s every citizen’s duty to hold their leaders accountable” when Ahsoka teaches the cadets on Mandalore, as well as that politics are not inherently bad, given that Padme and Bail are working to make the system better or “create lasting change from within [the system]” - "Trying to serve the greater good does not always make you popular” says Padme Amidala in a very caring speech - Star Wars Propaganda makes the case that the Jedi might have won the war had they leaned more into politics. - Sometimes the Jedi get unfairly accused of playing politics when there’s just no good choice and they still have to choose one or the other.) But Qui-Gon is ahead of them [re: caring and loving] all and that’s why he’s not part of the council. This is flat-out wrong in regards to canon.  Mileages are going to vary, of course, on how much one takes a novel into consideration, but Dave Filoni is not a fan with the luxury of deciding what is or isn’t canon, he works on Star Wars where canon is canon.  Now, does that mean canon will never contradict itself, especially if Dave gets to write something for Qui-Gon?  Of course not, SW isn’t immune to continuity errors and they themselves have never said otherwise, even when fans want to hold them to that standard. However, this is still pretty much a big “that’s not what happened” instance.  In Master & Apprentice, the Jedi Council offer a seat to Qui-Gon on the Council, specifically BECAUSE he has different opinions from them and they welcome that.  (Excerpt here.)      “We hope it will also be our gain,” Mace replied. “Qui-Gon Jinn, we hereby offer you a seat on the Jedi Council.”      Had he misheard? No, he hadn’t. Qui-Gon slowly gazed around the circle, taking in the expressions of each Council member in turn. Some of them looked amused, others pleased. A few of them, Yoda included, appeared more rueful than not. But they were serious.      “I admit—you’ve surprised me,” Qui-Gon finally said.“I imagine so,” Mace said drily. “A few years ago, we would’ve been astonished to learn we would ever consider this. But in the time since, we’ve all changed. We’ve grown. Which means the possibilities have changed as well.”      Qui-Gon took a moment to collect himself. Without any warning, one of the turning points of his life had arrived. Everything he said and did in the next days would be of great consequence. “You’ve argued with my methods often as not, or perhaps you’d say I’ve argued with yours.”      “Truth, this is,” Yoda said.      Depa Billaba gave Yoda a look Qui-Gon couldn’t interpret. “It’s also true that the Jedi Council needs more perspectives.” Ultimately, Qui-Gon is the who turns them down and gives up a chance to shape the Jedi Council because he doesn’t like the shape they’re taking.  That he does become less political, but this is after he’s argued that the Jedi should be working to push the Senate harder, so when he has a chance to help with that, he turns it down.  It has nothing to do with caring and loving, it’s about Qui-Gon’s desire to not have to deal with the work himself, when he wants to be more of a hippie Jedi.  (I’ve written a lot about Qui-Gon in M&A, why I actually think it’s really spot-on to someone who can be both really kind and really kind of a dick, but it’s not the most flattering portrayal, even if narrative intention likely didn’t mean what came across to me.  I think this post and this post are probably the most salient ones, but if you want something of an index of the web that’s being woven with all the various media, this one is good, too.) So he’s fighting for Anakin and that’s why it’s the ‘Duel of the Fates’ – it’s the fate of this child. And depending on how this fight goes, Anakin, his life is going to be dramatically different. I have only ever seen George Lucas talk about Anakin’s fate in one instance and it’s this:  “It’s fear of losing somebody he loves, which is the flipside of greed. Greed, in terms of the Emperor, it’s the greed for power, absolute power, over everything. With Anakin, really it’s the power to save the one he loves, but it’s basically going against the Fates and what is natural.“ –George Lucas, Revenge of the Sith commentary I’ve made my case about why I think Anakin’s fate is about that moment in Palpatine’s office, and so I’m not fundamentally opposed that “Duel of the Fates” is about Anakin’s fate, but here’s what George has provably said about the “Duel of the Fates” part of the story: - In the commentary for The Phantom Menace during “Duel of the Fates” and none of Dave’s speculation is even hinted at, there’s more focus on the technical side of things and the most George talks about is that it’s Obi-Wan who parallels Luke in going over the edge during the fight, except that instead of a Sith cutting off a Jedi’s hand, it’s a Jedi cutting a Sith in half, drawing the parallels between them. - He does say of the funeral scene that this is where Obi-Wan commits to training Anakin and how everything is going to go (though, in canon we see that Obi-Wan still struggles with this a bit, but Yoda is there to support him and nudge him into committing even more to Anakin, because the Jedi are a supportive community to each other).  This is some solid evidence for that Obi-Wan is already caring about Anakin beyond just Qui-Gon. - Then here’s what he says about the “Duel of the Fates” fights and themes of them in "All Films Are Personal": George Lucas: “I wanted to come up with an apprentice for the Emperor who was striking and tough. We hadn’t seen a Sith Lord before, except for Vader, of course. I wanted to convey the idea that Jedi are all very powerful, but they’re also vulnerable — which is why I wanted to kill Qui-Gon. That is to say, “Hey, these guys aren’t Superman.” These guys are people who are vulnerable, just like every other person. “We needed to establish that, but at the same time, we wanted the ultimate sword fight, because they were all very good. It sort of predisposes the sword fight between Anakin and Obi-Wan later on. There’s real purpose to it. You have to establish the rules and then stick with them. The scene illustrates just how Jedi and Sith fight and use lightsabers.” “So Qui-Gon loses, of course. So the father figure, he knew what it meant to take this kid away from his mother when he had an attachment, and he’s left with Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan trains Anakin at first out of a promise he makes to Qui-Gon, not because he cares about him.  We’ll get to the “attachment to his mother” thing in a bit--but, for now, let’s just say, George Lucas’ words on this are not that attachment to her was a good thing. Fair enough that “not because he cares about him” is up to personal interpretation, but canon has also addressed the topic of Obi-Wan’s treatment of Anakin and Obi-Wan stepped up to the plate on this.  In addition to how we see Obi-Wan REPEATEDLY being there for Anakin and being concerned and caring about him, they specifically talk about Qui-Gon and overcome this hurdle.

No, Obi-Wan is not Anakin’s father figure, on that we definitely agree.  Anakin never really even treats Obi-Wan like a father--he says “you’re the closest thing I have to a father” in Attack of the Clones, as well as he says Obi-Wan practically raised him in The Clone Wars “Crystal Crisis” story reels, but Anakin has never actually acted like Obi-Wan is his father--”then why don’t you listen to me?” Obi-Wan points out in AOTC--as well as Obi-Wan glides past those remarks, which I’ve always taken that he doesn’t want to reject Anakin’s feelings, knowing that Anakin can be sensitive about them, but neither does he want to confirm them. This does not mean Obi-Wan was not supportive, caring, and loving.  He says, “I loved you!” to Anakin in Revenge of the Sith, he asks after him and if he’s sleeping well in Attack of the Clones, and even George Lucas himself said that the elevator scene was set up TO SHOW OBI-WAN AND ANAKIN CARE FOR EACH OTHER:

PUTTING THE REST UNDER A READ MORE FOR A BETTER LENGTH REBLOGGABLE VERSION, IF  YOU WANT.

This is further evidenced by how the Jedi do see themselves as family, they just don’t need to put it into strict nuclear family dynamics:     - “You were my brother, Anakin!  I loved you!”  [–Obi-Wan Kenobi, Revenge of the Sith]      - “We are brothers, Master Dibs.” [–Mace Windu, Jedi of the Republic - Mace Windu]      - “Did your parents bicker?” she asked. “The adoptive ones, I mean.”         A slow smile broke across Ashla’s face, curling first one side of her mouth and then the other. Whatever she was remembering, Kaeden could tell it was good.         "All the time,“ Ashla said, almost as if she were talking to herself. [–Kaeden Larte, Ahsoka Tano, Ahsoka]      -  Vos, brought to the Temple even younger than most, felt that he had hundreds of brothers and sisters, and it seemed that whenever he went into the dining hall he ran into at least half of them. [Dark Disciple]       - “It was not his birthplace, exactly, but the Jedi Temple was where Quinlan Vos had grown up. He’d raced through its corridors, hidden behind its massive pillars, found peace in its meditation hall, ended-and started-fights in rooms intended for striking blows and some that weren’t, and sneaked naps in its library. All Jedi came here, at some point in their lives; for Quinlan, it always felt like coming home when he ran lightly up the stairs and entered the massive building as he did now.” [Dark Disciple] Brothers, sisters, and other more non-traditional kinds of family are not lesser and Obi-Wan and Anakin absolutely were family, just as the Jedi are all family to each other, so, no, there was no “failing” Anakin, except in Anakin’s mind, perhaps.  (In that, I can agree.  But not on a narratively approved level, canon too thoroughly refutes that for me.) Rebels as well pretty thoroughly shows that non-traditional families are meaningful and just as important--we may joke that Hera is “space mom”, but she’s not actually Ezra or Sabine’s mother, Kanan is not actually their father, and even if they sometimes stray into aspects of those roles (as the Jedi do as well in the movies and TCW), that they don’t need that traditional nuclear family structure.  Mentor figures--and Kanan is Ezra’s mentor--are just as meaningful and needful as a “dad”.  And I’m kind of :/ at the implication that anyone without a dad/father figure or mom/mother figure is being “failed”. When they get Anakin, they find him on Tatooine, he says “Why do I feel like we’ve found another useless lifeform?” He’s comparing Anakin to Jar Jar and he’s saying “this is a waste of our time, why are we doing this, why do you see importance in these creatures like Jar Jar Binks and this ten-year-old boy? This is useless.” Whether or not Obi-Wan is being genuinely dismissive in this movie (I think you could make a case either way), the idea that Qui-Gon is better than Obi-Wan about this, as shown through Jar Jar isn’t exactly very supported given how Qui-Gon and Jar Jar first exchange words:

QUI-GON: “You almost got us killed. Are you brainless?”   JAR JAR:  “I spake.”   QUI-GON: “The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.” Qui-Gon is just as bad as everyone else to Jar Jar, he’s not somehow elevated above them. It’s also baffling because, Dave, I have watched your show.  The Jedi are specifically shown to be kind to people and creatures, not considering them “useless”.  Henry Gilroy (who was the co-writer for The Clone Wars and frequently appeared in featurettes on the same level as Dave Filoni) explicitly draws this to The Jedi Way, that “life is everything to the Jedi“, when he said this about the Ryloth episodes:

(Caps cribbed from Pan’s blog, because I cannot make another gif, save me, please.)      Henry Gilroy in an Aggressive Negotiations Interview:  "Obi-Wan truly is a Jedi in that he’s like, ‘Okay, I’m not going to murder these creatures [in the Ryloth arc of The Clone Wars].  They’re starving to death.  They’ve basically been unleashed against these people as a weapon, but it’s not their fault. They’re just doing what they do.  They’re just animals who wanna eat.’     "So the idea was–and I think there was an early talk about how, 'Oh, yeah, he’ll go running through them and slicing and dicing them and chop them all up or whatever, and save his guys.  And I’m like, 'Yeah, but that’s not really the Jedi way.  He’s not just gonna murder these creatures.’     "And I know the threat is [there], to save one life you have to take one, but the idea of him [is]: why can’t Obi-Wan just be more clever?  He basically draws them in and then traps them.     "It says something about who the Jedi are, they don’t just waste life arbitrarily.  And someone could have gone, 'Oh, yeah, but it would have been badass if he’d just ran in there with his lightsaber spinning and stabbed them all in the head!’  And 'Yeah, you’re right, I guess he could be that, but he’s trying to teach his clones a lesson right then, about the sanctity of life.’       "That is the underlying theme of that entire episode.  Which is:  A tactical droid is using the people as living shields.  Life means nothing to the Separatists.  The droids.  But life is everything to the Jedi.  And even though he doesn’t have to say that, it’s all through the episode thematically.“ It’s also Obi-Wan who teaches Anakin about kindness to mindless creatures in the Obi-Wan & Anakin comic:

"These beasts are nearly mindless, Anakin.  I can feel it.  They are merely following their nature, they should not die simply because they crossed our path. Use the Force to send them on their way.” Now, fair enough if you want to say Obi-Wan was taught by Qui-Gon, but also Qui-Gon is dead by that point and Obi-Wan growing into being more mature is his own accomplishment, not Qui-Gon’s, especially given that we see Qui-Gon himself being pretty dismissive to Jar Jar in TPM. This isn’t unique thing either, Padme is incredibly condescending to Jar Jar in “Bombad Jedi” and expresses clear annoyance with him to C-3PO when sighing over him.  Jar Jar is a character you kind of have to warm up to, pretty much the only one we’ve seen consistently being favorable to him is Yoda (and maybe Anakin, though, Anakin doesn’t really interact with him a ton) and Mace Windu warms up to him considerably in “The Disappeared” and even specifically is shown to be teaching him and helping him, which is a huge theme of the Jedi and how much they care.

So, ultimately, the point I’m winding my way towards is--the other Jedi do show kindness and consideration to Jar Jar Binks, including characters like Mace Windu, so if you’re judging the Jedi based on that, the conclusion of Qui-Gon somehow being more compassionate and loving is really pretty thoroughly disproved by The Phantom Menace and The Clone Wars themselves. So, he’s a brother to Anakin eventually but he’s not a father figure. That’s a failing for Anakin. He doesn’t have the family that he needs. He loses his mother in the next film. He fails on this promise that he made, “mother, I’m going to come back and save you”. So he’s left completely vulnerable and Star Wars is ultimately about family.  You could be charitable and say this is just from Anakin’s point of view that it’s a “failing”, but within the context of what Dave’s saying, it’s clearly meant as a more narratively approved take, not just Anakin’s point of view, and I really, really dislike the idea that Anakin--or anyone, really--needs a traditional nuclear family, ie a “mom” and/or a “dad”, or else it’s a “failing” for them. Setting aside that the idea that Qui-Gon would need to be Anakin’s dad to be kind to hi (which is ?????) is contradicted by The Clone Wars as well.  Yes, Qui-Gon is warm with Anakin in several scenes, which is what Dave is presumably drawing on to show that Qui-Gon believed the Jedi should be caring and loving, but you know who else is warm to younglings?  OTHER JEDI COUNCIL MEMBERS.

Those two scenes have the exact same kind of warmth to them.  Ie, THE JEDI ALL BELIEVED IN BEING LOVING AND KIND, NOT JUST QUI-GON.  The things evidenced to show Qui-Gon was loving and kind are evidenced just as much in other Council members, in Dave’s own show. As a bonus--have Mace Windu, known Jedi Council member, being super kind and loving towards a young Twi’lek girl he just met in a canon comic:

But I know that this is about the way the Council treated Anakin in The Phantom Menace testing scene, but here’s the thing--when I go back and I watch that scene and the Jedi aren’t ever mean to him, they’re neutral in an official testing situation, where they are trying to determine if he’s able to adapt to the Jedi ways.  They never once say he’s bad for holding onto his fear, only that he does--which Anakin digs his heels in and gets angry about, he can’t really even admit that he’s afraid and that’s a huge deal for the Jedi. I’ve made a longer post about it here (and here), but the basic gist is: - That scene has Yoda giving the famous “Fear leads to the dark side” speech which is almost word for word how George Lucas describes how the Force works, showing the Jedi are narratively correct - “Confronting fear is the destiny of a Jedi” may be from the sequels, but it is thoroughly supported by the movies and TCW and Rebels and even supplementary canon material, including that the Jedi literally design their tests around both Masters and Padawans for it (Ilum, the Jedi Temple on Lothal, etc. - Anakin cannot admit to his fears in that TPM scene - We have examples of Jedi younglings do admit to their fears and the point isn’t not to have them, but to face them--the younglings in “The Gathering” are the most blatant example of this, but it’s also pretty much the entire theme of Jedi: Fallen Order, especially when Cal goes to Ilum to face his fears and get another kyber crystal. The point isn’t that Anakin--who has very good reasons to be afraid! nothing in the story or the Jedi have said he didn’t!--is wrong or bad, but that he’s not a great fit for the Jedi life because he is “unwilling to accept [Jedi philosophy] emotionally”.  And they’re right about this, because this is how George Lucas describes Anakin in commentary: “The fact that everything must change and that things come and go through his life and that he can’t hold onto things, which is a basic Jedi philosophy that he isn’t willing to accept emotionally and the reason that is because he was raised by his mother rather than the Jedi. If he’d have been taken in his first year and started to study to be a Jedi, he wouldn’t have this particular connection as strong as it is and he’d have been trained to love people but not to become attached to them.”  --George Lucas, Attack of the Clones commentary And so this brings us to A T T A C H M E N T, which, yeah, we’ve been having this discussion forever, but I’m going to state it again:  Within Star Wars, ATTACHMENT IS NARRATIVELY A BAD THING.  It is consistently tied to possessive, obsessive relationships, to greed and an unwillingness to let things go when it’s time (letting go is a huge theme in Star Wars) and equating love with attachment is fundamentally wrong according to George Lucas’ Star Wars worldbuilding: “The Jedi are trained to let go. They’re trained from birth,” he continues, “They’re not supposed to form attachments. They can love people-- in fact, they should love everybody. They should love their enemies; they should love the Sith. But they can’t form attachments. So what all these movies are about is: greed. Greed is a source of pain and suffering for everybody. And the ultimate state of greed is the desire to cheat death.” --George Lucas, The Making of Revenge of the Sith If attachment and love were the same thing, then he would be saying, “They should love their enemies, they should love the Sith.  But they can’t love.”  The way George makes the distinction shows that, no, attachment and love aren’t the same thing at all, attachment is not caring.  Further, there’s another instance of him showing there’s an important distinction between relationships and attachment and the association of attachmets with possession:  "Jedi Knights aren’t celibate - the thing that is forbidden is attachments - and possessive relationships.” --George Lucas, BBC News interview So, yes, when Anakin is attached to people, it is directly tied to obsession, possession, and greed, all things of the dark side: “He turns into Darth Vader because he gets attached to things. He can’t let go of his mother; he can’t let go of his girlfriend. He can’t let go of things. It makes you greedy. And when you’re greedy, you are on the path to the dark side, because you fear you’re going to lose things, that you’re not going to have the power you need.”  --George Lucas, Time Magazine  “But he has become attached to his mother and he will become attached to Padme and these things are, for a Jedi, who needs to have a clear mind and not be influenced by threats to their attachments, a dangerous situation. And it feeds into fear of losing things, which feeds into greed, wanting to keep things, wanting to keep his possessions and things that he should be letting go of. His fear of losing her turns to anger at losing her, which ultimately turns to revenge in wiping out the village. The scene with the Tusken Raiders is the first scene that ultimately takes him on the road to the dark side. I mean he’s been prepping for this, but that’s the one where he’s sort of doing something that is completely inappropriate.“ --George Lucas, Attack of the Clones commentary ATTACHMENT IS BAD IN STAR WARS AS THEY DEFINE IT. Finally, I’m going to circle back to: Because Qui-Gon is different than the rest of the Jedi and you get that in the movie; and Qui-Gon is fighting because he knows he’s the father that Anakin needs. Because Qui-Gon hasn’t given up on the fact that the Jedi are supposed to actually care and love and that’s not a bad thing. Here’s the thing about this:  You know who else, by this logic, Qui-Gon should have been a father to?  OBI-WAN KENOBI. This isn’t said as “Anakin specifically needs a father” (which I think would be an interesting idea to bandy about and I’m not disagreeing, though, it’s complicated because of what Anakin refuses to accept emotionally), it’s said in a bigger context, that Qui-Gon is better than the other Jedi because he understands the need for fathers (and thus this ties into Return of the Jedi) and he’s ahead of the other Jedi, who apparently think loving and caring about people are bad things, but Qui-Gon does not treat Obi-Wan like his son.  Or, if he does, he’s not exactly a stellar dad about it. Within Master & Apprentice, there’s an incredibly consistent theme of how Qui-Gon thinks supportive things about Obi-Wan, but never says them aloud.  He thinks he should talk to Obi-Wan about the upcoming decision to be on the Council and then never does.  He could have explained why he kept Obi-Wan training the basics but he never does.  There are multiple instances showing that Qui-Gon is actually really, really bad at actually handling a young apprentice who needs him to talk to them about important things.  Qui-Gon continues this in From a Certain Point of View where he still never talked to Obi-Wan about everything that happened, even after he became a Force Ghost.     Damn, damn, damn. Qui-Gon closed his eyes for one moment. It blocked nothing; the wave of shock that went through Obi-Wan was so great it could be felt through the Force. Qui-Gon hadn’t thought Kirames Kaj would mention the Jedi Council invitation. It seemed possible the soon-retiring chancellor of the Republic might not even have taken much note of information about a new Council member. --Master & Apprentice     That comment finally pierced Qui-Gon’s damnable calm. There was an edge to his voice as he said, “I suspected you would be too upset to discuss this rationally. Apparently I was correct.”     “I thought you said my reaction was understandable,” Obi-Wan shot back. “So why does it disqualify me from hearing the truth?”    Qui-Gon put his hands on his broad belt, the way he did when he was beginning to withdraw into himself. “…we should discuss this at another time. Neither of us is his best self at the present.” --Master & Apprentice     Obi-Wan walked toward the door, obviously outdone. “At the beginning of my apprenticeship, I couldn’t understand you,” he said. “Unfortunately, that’s just as true here at the end.”     Only yesterday they had worked together as never before. How did Qui-Gon manage to get closer to Obi-Wan at the same time he was moving further away?     Just before Obi-Wan would leave the room, Qui-Gon said, “Once, you asked me about the basic lightsaber cadences. Why I’d kept you there, instead of training you in more advanced forms of combat.”     Obi-Wan turned reluctantly to face him again. “I suppose you thought I wasn’t ready for more. The same way I’m not ready to believe in all this mystical—”     “That’s not why.”     After a long pause, Obi-Wan calmed to the point where he would listen. “Then why, Qui-Gon?”     “Because many Padawans—and full Jedi Knights, for that matter—forget that the most basic technique is the most important technique. The purest. The most likely to protect you in battle, and the foundation of all knowledge that is to come,” Qui-Gon said. “Most apprentices want to rush ahead to styles of fighting that are flashier or more esoteric. Most Masters let them, because we must all find our preferred form eventually. But I wanted you to be grounded in your technique. I wanted you to understand the basic cadences so well that they would become instinct, so that you would be almost untouchable. Above all, I wanted to give you the training you needed to accomplish anything you set your mind to later on.”     Obi-Wan remained quiet for so long that Qui-Gon wondered if he were too angry to really hear any of what he’d said. But finally, his Padawan nodded. “Thank you, Qui-Gon. I appreciate that. But—”     “But what?”     “You could’ve said so,” Obi-Wan replied, and then he left. --Master & Apprentice     "I owe you that. After all, I’m the one who failed you.“     "Failed me?”     They have never spoken of this, not once in all Qui-Gon’s journeys into the mortal realm to commune with him. This is primarily because Qui-Gon thought his mistakes so wretched, so obvious, that Obi-Wan had wanted to spare him any discussion of it. Yet here, too, he has failed to do his Padawan justice. --From a Certain Point of View, “Master and Apprentice” (Further, in Master & Apprentice, Qui-Gon thinks that the Jedi give Rael Averross--who is HUGELY paralleled to Anakin--too many exceptions, were too soft on him because he came to the Jedi later than most and has trouble thinking of them as his family, and he thinks they should have been stricter with him.) It’s also readily apparent within The Phantom Menace itself:

You can take some charitable views of this scene, that Qui-Gon was pushed into a corner where he had few other options (and this is the view I generally take even!), but this is after the entire movie where he’s never once indicated that Obi-Wan was ready, has instead indicated that he still has much to learn (not just of the Living Force, but in general), as well as made it clear that he’s still teaching Obi-Wan, like on the Trade Federation ship. And I do think Obi-Wan got over this because he understood, because Obi-Wan actually is a very selfless person, he clearly cares (which is furthered by how we see him warm up to Anakin very quickly), but look at their faces. This was not a good moment, and they do somewhat make up, where Qui-Gon says that Obi-Wan has been a good apprentice, that he’s wiser than Qui-Gon and he’ll be a great Jedi--but if we’re counting that as Qui-Gon being this great Jedi, then you can’t say Obi-Wan failed Anakin, given that we show him doing the exact same thing, except better.  He tells Anakin, “You are strong and wise and will become a far greater Jedi than I could ever hope to be.”, echoing Qui-Gon’s words, but also he never threw Anakin aside for someone else. This is kind of a major undercurrent throughout The Clone Wars, where Obi-Wan never takes another apprentice, where he continues to teach Anakin, to support him, even to the point of occasionally co-Mastering Ahsoka with him.  “This has been quite a journey for our Padawan.” Qui-Gon’s treatment of Obi-Wan in this scene isn’t the worst, he’s kind about it later (though, he never actually specifically apologizes for this), but we can see that this is a moment where Qui-Gon hurts Obi-Wan and knows it. And you know what George Lucas has to say about Qui-Gon?  This: “So here we’re having Qui-Gon wanting to skip the early training and jump right to taking him on as his Padawan learner, which is controversial, and ultimately, the source of much of the problems that develop later on.”  –George Lucas, The Phantom Menace commentary There’s nothing about Qui-Gon being right or better than the other Jedi, but instead that Qui-Gon’s actions here are a source of much of the problems that develop later on. So, ultimately, I liked some points Dave made in that speech, it’s a beautiful and eloquent one, but I thoroughly disagree with his interpretation of George’s intentions for Qui-Gon and I thoroughly disagree that that’s what the movies, The Clone Wars (DAVE’S OWN SHOW), and the supplementary canon show about Qui-Gon and the other Jedi.  I still stand by my appreciation of Dave’s contributions to SW as a whole, I think he does a really good job at making Star Wars, but he doesn’t always get everything right and this is one thing where I think the canon and George’s commentary show otherwise, as much as I love his desire to defend the prequels’ importance in the story.  Because, my friend, I have felt that every single day of my SW life.

[chaossmagic]

Explain why you hate Jack and Andy so much? I’m only asking because I love hearing your Jack and Andy rants. I hate Jack and Andy too. Poor Robert having to put up with them throughout his childhood 😭

Jack was abusive, mentally, verbally and (in Robert’s case) physically, treated both his sons like he could bend them into whatever shape he wanted them to be and if they didn’t, then it was their own fault for being ‘bad, and generally an all-round Massive Dick. 

Notably in Robert’s case, who resisted Jack’s attempts to force him into the Good Sugden Heir model and therefore Jack saw that as a sign that there was something inherently ‘wrong’ with him. He took that even further when Robert, depressed and lonely after his Mum died (which he witnessed at barely 14 years old) started lashing out because he felt unwanted and not listened to, and when Jack and Andy conspired against him to keep the truth about his mother’s death from him (i.e. it was Andy’s fault, a botched attempt at an insurance scam to get the farm more money). 

The more Robert grew up into Not Mini Jack Sugden, the more his father tried to force him to ‘correct’ his wayward behaviour and do what he wanted him to do. When it didn’t work, he decided that Robert was inherently rotten to the core and wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t behave, wasn’t a ‘normal, decent’ child who could set an example for the next generation. 

He ignored him, belittled him, treated his rebellious behaviour as childish attention-seeking instead of deep-seated trauma and grief, lashed out at him verbally and literally told him he was worthless. He was violent towards him (and not to Andy). He openly preferred Vic and Andy to him. He never wasted an opportunity to tell Robert he was useless and awful and a terrible person. He punished Robert much more excessively for things he did wrong than Andy, even in situations where it was Andy’s fault! (For example, the accident that killed Max was pinned on Robert, even though Andy had been driving and Max had been in Andy’s car).

Jack also beat his child for being queer...and that alone is enough to make him the shittiest, lowest shitstain of a human being there ever was. The fact that even Robert himself believed into adulthood that it was because he was ‘bad’ and therefore deserved it (and that Jack wasn’t what he clearly was - a bigoted, violent homophobe who didn’t just have a problem with Robert being bisexual but with anyone who was not straight - and, while we’re at it, so did Andy) and not something that wasn’t okay is testimony enough. 

And then we have Andy. Complicit in the years of verbal, emotional and psychological abuse Robert endured under his father, he never once spoke up for his brother - even though they were best friends once. He never defended him or tried to protect him when Jack treated him like dirt. He’s a gaslighting piece of shit who even in adulthood refused to treat Robert like an equal and still acted as if they were both teenagers. He told Robert that he was ‘imagining’ his - their - abusive childhood and whenever he tried to speak up about what Jack was like, he got shot down or told he was exaggerating, or just plain making stuff up to get attention.

Because Robert is always the spoiled, whiny brat who throws a fit when he doesn’t get what he wants, and Andy is the Perfect Saint who can never do anything wrong. Even as adults when Jack was long dead.

Andy beat his first wife and went to PRISON FOR IT. He shot Jack by accident because HE WAS AIMING FOR ROBERT. He waited outside Robert’s caravan where he was living ALL DAY waiting for the opportunity to SHOOT HIM when he left. What the hell?! He hired Ross to shoot him a SECOND time. He made Robert’s life hell for the first couple of years or so after he returned to Emmerdale. 

And then he had the gall to beg for his help when the Whites turned on him!

Which, of course, Robert did, because he’s been so conditioned and groomed and gaslit by his abuse that he felt he owed Andy something ‘because he was still his brother’ and that meant that he had some kind of duty to him. Bullshit! I’ve always hated those scenes in Andy’s exit because it just feels so gross knowing that Robert still felt compelled to apologize to ANDY for what had happened and forgave him despite everything that he’d done to him. I hate it so much. I wish those scenes had never happened. 

Robert’s childhood was awful and I wish the show would acknowledge that more (or I wish they had acknowledged it more) and the lasting impact it had well into adulthood for him. He couldn’t talk about it with anyone except Aaron and even then the show didn’t really dive into it to the extent that they should have. It breaks my heart because Robert has been made to feel alone, worthless, unlovable, unworthy of love and ‘defective’ his whole life, and now his worst fears have all come true. He always deserved better.

[eryiss]

Chapter One - The House

Summary: Freed and Laxus live incredibly different lives. Freed is a corporate lawyer in the capital city, and Laxus works as a handyman in a countryside hotel. Despite their differences, their lives collide when Freed inherits a house in Laxus’ village, and hires him to make the derelict building liveable. But the closer they get, the more they seem to offer each other. [Fraxus Multi-Chapter]

This was written as my admission for Fraxus Day 2020, hosted by @fuckyeahfraxus​. It ended up becoming a multi-chapter, and I thought the first chapter should go up today, as a holloween gift. The next one will be published on thursday, and will continue on weekly.

You can read this under the cut, on Fanfiction, or on Archive of Our Own. You can find the chapter masterpost here.

Chapter One – The House

Freed hadn't expected his mother's death to be so tedious.

He should probably feel more emotional about it. He and his mother had no ill-will towards one another – there was no tragic secret nor history of arguing or abuse between them – but he found himself oddly unbothered by hearing of her death. Not a numbness of any kind either, he felt very much the same as if a colleague had told him their mother had passed. It was just an event that had happened, and something that affected his life, but not his emotions.

His apathy probably came from the fact he and his mother hadn't spoken for years. Again, not for any great reason, just because they didn't. He and his father had always been closer, and when he had died four years prior, Freed had grieved and got over it as best a person can. His mother was the worker of the family, and thus the emotional relationship hadn't been as strong. Neither had made an effort to connect in their adulthood, only really linked by his father. And so once he had passed, there wasn't really any reason to speak. Neither person was overly emotional, so they didn't seek comfort in one another's arms, and instead just drifted off.

And so, the death of his mother was tedious.

Death was followed by a lot of things. The need to plan a funeral, people being completely unaware of how to act around him, and an odd amount of pity coming from people who didn't know him at all. Freed was something of a pragmatist, and as such it became an experience he didn't want to repeat. At least with the death of his father, he'd had his sadness to distract him. But this was just, well… tedious.

Perhaps the worse thing to have happened occurred two days prior. As was customary after someone passes, there was a reading of the will. A pointless exercise for this instance, given Freed had literally inherited everything. Freed knew this already – he was his family's lawyer for god's sake, he drafted the damned thing – but he still had to attend the reading. So, for an hour in a busy work week, he was forced to travel down two floors in his building, and sit there while another lawyer – Natsu Dragneel, who had actually interned under Freed for a year – explained the law and what the will meant. To the man who had taught him it!

Further adding to the annoyance of the situation, almost everything he'd inherited had strings attached. There was a lot of debt, from both loans and gambling, apparently. Freed's credit score was going to take a hit, given how much there was. There were also her belongings, which he would have to look through at some point. She also apparently owned property, which was now his.

This would be good, had it not been for its location. Freed's life was centred in the city, this house was in the middle of the countryside, miles from what Freed considered civilisation. Why she had owned a house there was beyond Freed, she was more metropolitan than him; she lived in Era and Era alone. But unfortunately, now it was his.

So now, he was nearing the end of a three-and-a-half-hour train ride.

He was going to sell the place, of course. Why his mother hadn't done so confused Freed, given her debts. Property values were high in this area, many rich older people wanted to retire there, and a three-bedroom cottage was perfect for that. But he needed to see it, speak with estate agents, and sign away the rights. All in all, tedious.

When he got off the train, he was hit by how different it was to Era. It was open, the air smelt different and it looked like an illustration from a Victorian romance novel. All very idyllic, but Freed had no intention of staying long enough to appreciate it. Instead, he located the taxi service, and ordered a car to his new property.

Apparently Uber hadn't arrived there yet.

The car came soon enough, and after a few failed attempts to illicit more than a curt answer from Freed, it was a quiet ride. It took about forty minutes, and Freed watched as fields passed by, the atmosphere dampened by the scent of manure filling the air. People raved about the fresh air in the countryside, but Freed much preferred the smell of petrol and faint piss of Era to literal crap. Better the devil you know.

Thankfully, the smell of muck spreading was interrupted when his phone lit up. He glanced at the contact name – 'Estate Agent' – before lifting it to his ear and accepting the call. He needed an evaluation for the property, and apparently this man was the best in the area. Hopefully the fastest too.

"Mr Clive," He greeted, leaning back.

"Mr Justine," The estate agent replied in a more jovial tone. "Just to let you know, I'm at the property and waiting for you. There's been a few evaluations over the years and they're all pretty similar, so it shouldn't take long."

"Thank you," Freed nodded to himself, glancing past the front seat to see the GPS saying they should be at their destination in about five minutes. "I'll be there soon."

"Great," Gildarts' grin was audible in his tone. "Sorry that you had to come down here to deal all of this."

"It's not your fault," Freed said placatingly, though not honestly. "The sooner it's done, the better."

"Couldn't agree more," Gildarts grinned.

"Why had it been evaluated before?" Freed asked, brows furrowing slightly.

"Apparently your mother has tried to sell it a few times. Twice with independent online stores, and once with an estate agent. Clearly it didn't go well," The man laughed. "But we'll be more successful. We know what we're doing."

After some pointless pleasantries, the call was ended. Freed found himself frowning; a cottage in this area should have been sold without any difficulty. The fact this one hadn't, despite its perfect position and seemingly positive qualities, didn't bode well. He tried to be optimistic, but at this point, it was almost certain that even selling the house would further add to his annoyances.

It was ten minutes later – it took longer than expected because he got caught up in traffic caused by a heard of cows crossing from one field to the other, followed by an uncaring farmer who glared at the taxi as if it were an affront to his lifestyle – when he saw the house.

It was clear as to why his mother couldn't sell it.

The place was practically derelict. In its prime it would have been the ideal village cottage, with white walls and a slated roof. It would have had a garden filled with perfectly trimmed flowers, a large but well-groomed oak tree, and most likely a cliché dog running around. Unfortunately, the house's prime was clearly centuries ago because it embodied the world decapitated in a way Freed had never seen. The roof was falling apart, the garden filled with so many overgrown plants nothing else could be seen, and a window was hanging out of the wall. It was unliveable, and practically unlovable.

Perfect. His mother had left him debt, three wardrobes filled with wrinkled clothes, and a building nobody could use without a death wish. Now his hopes of selling the place was unrealistic.

As he approached the building, a man made his presence known by leaving a car with a smile on his face. He was older than Freed, in his late forties if Freed was being kind, and he gave a polite 'Hello' as he approached. It was clearly the estate agent, who was showing a lot more optimism than Freed felt at that moment.

"Mr Justine, nice to meet you in person," He greeted.

"Likewise," Freed nodded, though his tone didn't reflect the sentiment. Gildarts laughed.

"I can see from your face that you were expecting something a little… different," The man chuckled, and Freed found himself annoyed by the man's enthusiasm. "You probably thought it'd be a little more liveable, didn't ya?"

"Something like that," Freed agreed, looking at the building almost accusingly.

"Well if it's any kind of relief, the building's structure is actually very secure. I won't lie, there's probably hundreds of problems going on in there, but at least the roof isn't going to collapse on our heads," The agent laughed, and in any other situation it might be less grating. "I can explain the details as we look through it, I'm sure that you want to get this done quickly."

"If that's possible."

Gildarts nodded, then jogged back to his car. When he returned, he was holding two hardhats that one would see on a building site, and Freed looked at it warily. Gildarts smiled and patted him on the shoulder with an unneeded amount of strength.

"The roof itself won't fall, but there's always a chance that the ceiling tiles might, so we can't be too careful, can we?" He chuckled loudly, placing on his hat, and walking into the building. Freed, after a moment of hesitation, joined him.

~~~

"So, you're sayi-" A small scratch. "-basically unsellable."

Freed ground his teeth together slightly. He was pacing down a village high-street, holding his phone to his ear and trying his best to listen to Evergreen's stuttering voice. Apparently random country roads were perfectly fine with phone signals; but for the most built up area for miles, it was practically impossible to have a conversation without some kind of interference. It was something very quickly grating on his nerves.

"Essentially, yes," Freed sighed, sidestepping a couple walking towards him. "It's too run down for anyone to want to buy it. My estate agent said the best thing to do is to see if a property auction will take it and sell it cheap."

"Why don't you-" Another scratching sound. "-it down. Sell the land-" A quick, high pitched noise. "-farmer or property developer."

Freed's muscles tenses slightly at the suggestion. He had thought about that, but of course when he had told Gildarts that it was the logical course of action, the man had looked at him with something akin to pity in his eyes. He had then patted the man on the shoulder – again making Freed's body jerk slightly with the power behind the action – and added another layer of annoyance to this ridiculous situation.

"Apparently it's a listed building, and has some kind of historical preservation status," Freed sighed, slowing slightly when the buzzing on the phone went quiet. Hopefully, he had a stronger signal now. "Essentially meaning, the building has to stay."

"If it's so important, why did they let it get so run down?" Evergreen asked, voice clear now.

"They didn't, my mother has been receiving phone calls and letters from local council about it for years," Freed wiped at his eye with his free hand, deflating slightly. "Which I will now be getting, I suppose. Along with the letters and phone-calls from debt collectors, no doubt."

"How much would it sell for as it is?"

"Optimistically, 25 thousand. Since you can't make any modifications to the outer building, something in this state is hard to get customers for."

It wasn't anywhere near enough to cover his mother's debts, even when combined with the savings he was unwilling to give up. Though a successful corporate lawyer and having saved a substantial part of his earning for over ten years, Freed was by no means rich. His family came from money, but never gave any to him as they wished for him not to be spoiled. So far it hadn't mattered, but now with six figures of debt from nowhere, his comfortable life seemed unstable. This wasn't helped by the fact he only wanted to use his savings as a last resort; he'd saved this money for himself, not to give to online casinos because of his mother's apparent addiction.

"Couldn't you make it a bit more marketable," Evergreen suggested, and Freed found himself irrationally irritated by the chewing he heard. They were colleagues, and he knew that her lunch break wasn't for another hour. "Tidy it up slightly."

"It's not run down, it's unliveable," Freed grunted. "The windows are boarded up, the garden practically a jungle, bare floorboards, furniture that is practically rotting, and a bird had nested on the oven."

"Maybe plant some flowers and bake a cake when showing people around," Evergreen joked, and Freed almost laughed.

He couldn't resent his mother. He did love her, and perhaps if he had made some kind of effort in talking to her then maybe the debts wouldn't have happened because she could talk to him about her gambling. Of course that regret was pointless now, thinking about what he could have done wouldn't change anything. He just had to deal with the consequences.

"You'll figure something out," Evergreen spoke up again.

"I know," Freed nodded. "But I'm not quite sure exactly how, yet."

"Well, I've just checked, and there's a nice-looking hotel near you," Evergreen smiled, and Freed could hear the clicking of a computer mouse through his speakers. "All good reviews, apparently a brilliant kitchen and very nice staff."

"Good for them," Freed said with furrowed brows.

"I've booked you a room," Evergreen declared, clearly grinning. Freed went to speak but Ever went first. "You're staying there for a week. You can either spend it thinking what to do next with your house, or just have a nice break, which you're overdue. Climb one of the mountains or something. I'll have a suitcase sent down with everything you need."

"No," Freed said firmly.

"I don't believe I gave you a choice, dear," Evergreen smiled. "And I've already paid for it. If you stay, consider it a gift. And if you don't, you'll be in even more debt, and I'm much worse than any bailiff you can think of, and we share an office, so I will make your life miserable."

"You're both blackmailing and threatening me," Freed grunted. "I could technically sue you for workplace harassment."

"Yeah, but you're my lawyer so you'd have to argue with yourself," Evergreen laughed. "Which you could, you've got an ego big enough you probably crop up on those reddit pages about people who think they're really smart," Freed let out an indignant sound at that, and Ever just laughed. "Just take some time off, you know you have to have a week off eventually. Why not just do it now? Enjoy the countryside, smell the fresh air, read a book."

"I read constantly, the fresh air is laden with the scent of literal shit, and so far the countryside is a pointless expanse of green that makes me want to take on more cases against environmentalists."

"Oh stop feeling sorry for yourself," Evergreen laughed. "Find your hotel, get yourself a drink, and relax for a week."

After a second of consideration, and a deflated sigh, Freed spoke again. "What's the hotel called."

"Fairy Tail Inn," Evergreen read aloud. "Sounds a bit cliché, but the rooms look great and the reviews are all good. Should be at one end of the high street, at the top of the hill."

Freed looked back over his shoulder, he had walked past the hotel in his search for a reliable amount of signal. He hadn't paid it much attention, as it was at the start of the conversation and he'd been attempting to understand any of what Evergreen was saying, but it looked nice enough. The only real reason he had actually remembered the place was because he was fairly sure they had mistaken the two spellings of the word Tail. He started to walk back up the steep high-street, telling Evergreen that he knew where the place was.

"Okay, I'll leave you to it then," Evergreen smiled, and the buzzing on the phone returned slightly. "See you in a week. Oh, and text me a picture of the house when you're tetchy so I can make fun of you. Bye!"

She cut herself off before Freed could reply, and the lawyer rolled his eyes slightly.

When he reached the top of the hill, he walked through a quaint beer garden and into the Fairy Tail building. He was confronted with a small front desk, behind which a woman with a light bob smiled up at him. He walked towards her, scanning the name tag – Lisanna – before she gave a polite introduction to the hotel.

"Are you here to eat, or to stay sir?" She asked, voice enthusiastic and happy.

"To stay," Freed explained. "I believe my friend just made a reservation for me. Freed Justine."

"One moment," She smiled, leaning down, and typing on the computer.

As she worked, Freed glanced around the lobby area. From the outside, the building had been incredibly rustic looking, and Freed had feared slightly that it was going to be as old fashioned and outdated inside as well. But it was contemporary, clean, and relatively nice. It was clear that it was made to look farmhouse-ish while keeping all the needed amenities, making a distinction from the branded hotels while also keeping to a high quality.

They had a few certificates hung on the walls, mainly hotel awards from different companies. There was also something proclaiming 'MAGNOLIA: Village of the Year 2019' in proud prominence. Freed vaguely wondered if this was something all businesses got, or if Fairy Tail was some kind of hub for the town.

"There you are," Lisanna said suddenly, and Freed turned back to her. "Room 17. If you'd like to follow me, I'll take you there. I can carry your bags if you'd like."

"I don't have any bags with me, actually," Freed said, and Lisanna looked at the floor with a frown to confirm his words. "This is rather impromptu, I'm afraid. I'm having a suitcase sent down here, I expect it'll be here tomorrow."

"Oh, okay," Lisanna smiled, though Freed could clearly see she was somewhat confused. "What brings you to Magnolia, if you don't mind me asking? We don't get many people here in autumn, you're our only guest actually."

"It's not for pleasure," Freed explained. "I inherited some property, and selling it isn't as easy as I thought, so I'll be here for a little while."

"Is that the Albion House?" She asked as they turned a corner.

"Yes," Freed answered a little slowly.

"Oh, sorry, that probably sounds a bit creepy that I know it so fast," She laughed. "It's just that news sort of travelled about it getting a new owner. It's been run down for a while, and people thought that maybe the new person would try and renovate it. But if you want to sell it then that's your choice of course, I hope it goes better than it did with your mother-" She stopped talking, and clearly looked uncomfortable. "Oh, I'm sorry. For your loss, and for that."

"You don't need to do that," Freed waved her off. "I'm not going to start crying at the sound of her name."

She looked relieved at his reaction, and Freed tried not to show a small scowl on his face. The young woman hadn't done anything wrong, but the fact she knew both the house and the fact his mother had died meant that other people knew as well. He had hoped that, at least for one week, he wouldn't have to deal with people knowing about his bereavement. Apparently he wasn't even going to be given this.

"Is the house important for some reason?" Freed asked as they climbed the stairs. "It's got historical preservation, and you said people were interested when they found out I own it."

"Not exactly," Lisanna smiled. "I think all the buildings in the town have that status, they want to make it look like it did when it was made. Personally, I think they do it because the council makes a lot of money from film shoots coming here," She laughed a little. "And we're a fairly small community, so news gets around. They were the same when it got sold last time, actually. They thought it'd get renovated too."

"So my mother wasn't the reason it looks like it does, then?"

"I've never seen it in a better state," Lisanna shrugged, before pausing in thought. "I think there's a painting of what it used to look like in your room. That's a coincidence."

She laughed to herself before continuing to walk, Freed following her. They walked through a few more corridors and up another staircase before they stopped at the old looking door of one of the rooms. Lisanna pulled a key from her pocket and opened the door, revealing the room that was to be Freed's home for the rest of the week. Freed walked in after, and looked around.

It was a nice room, also designed to look like it belonged in a farm house while still being relatively luxurious. It was on the smaller side, clearly Evergreen hadn't wanted to spend too much if the single bed was telling, but nice enough. A private bathroom, TV, and area for making drinks. It was essentially everything one could want from a hotel room. Although the fact that the slanted roof above the bed was low did make Freed pause; he would have to make sure not to bang his head when he awoke.

His eyes fell to a painting on the wall. Sure enough, there was an illustration of the house he'd been inside, only in a much better state. It looked rather homely.

"It's nice, isn't it," Lisanna smiled. "I think that's why people want to see it renovated. Just because it's nice."

"Well, perhaps soon it will be," Freed mused. "I'll most likely have to sell it to a retail auction, they often attract people looking for cheap property to work on, or so my estate agent said. So perhaps that'll happen."

"You don't sound enthusiastic about the idea?"

"I was hoping for more than an auction house would be willing to pay, I must admit," Freed sighed, still looking at the painting. "It's a last resort, but I doubt I'll find a better offer over the next week."

"You could renovate it and sell it when you're done?" Lisanna suggested.

"My knowledge of property development extends to the legal side only," Freed chuckled to himself. "If I were to try and work on it, there's a good chance I'd set it alight. I expect that doesn't align with the preservations society's rules."

"I suppose not," Lisanna laughed. "I should get back to the desk and leave you alone. Breakfast is served from six until twelve, you get it included in the price of the room. And if your bags come I'll bring them up for you, or have my brother do it since he's working the desk tomorrow If there's anything else you need, just call reception," She smiled. "And we hope you enjoy your stay."

Freed watched her leave, before standing alone in the room and letting himself decompress for the first time since he arrived.

Peculiarly, he found his gaze land on the painting.

[lyrasilverspring]

Aren

CW- some gender dysphoria stuff, not explicit

After her parents had died- been killed, Valkyrie had been sent to live in a peacekeeper’s observational house of care. There were very few in the district, and due to district two’s firm belief in the importance of family and lineage, they weren’t good places to end up. The carers didn’t know how to feel about her- to stand against one’s own family was taboo, but to do so in the name of the capitol demonstrated strength. As such, they tended to avoid her. She was discarded, but had potential. District two was not a good place to be a grey area. From the adults, the other children learned to avoid her, to be distrustful, and from them, Valkyrie learned to be distant. As she fuelled all her time into her studies, she began to overtake the other children in her class, and so her peers moved from avoidant to resentful. And she got used to having no one around.

When she was fifteen, she got her first job. She knew she would be kicked out of the home at eighteen, and that no one would be bending over to help her out. The peacemakers had signed her up for tribute training from a young age, and she continued it so as not to further hurt her reputation, but there were still a few hours outside of education and training that she could fill with work. So she did. She began at the lowest levels, carting building materials around sites. She was younger and smaller and more vulnerable than any of the other staff, but she learned how to stand her ground. Learned to walk the line of obedience versus submission. It was in her fourth week, after her third fight that she met Aren.

They’d strolled up and offered a clean cloth for her to wipe the blood off her fists.

“That was pretty impressive, Igor’s been asking for a beat down since the day he started here,” they grinned, seemingly unperturbed by the death glare Valkyrie was giving them, “I’m Aren, by the way.”

They stuck out their hand, and dropped it comfortably when it became clear that Valkyrie wasn’t going to reciprocate. They shrugged and began walking alongside her.

“They don’t like me either,” Aren offered, “Say that I think above my station as a lowly district two peon. Especially since I’m a no name.”

Valkyrie couldn’t help but stiffen at those words- she’d generally avoided learning anything about anyone, figuring it was mostly just distraction. But a no name? That meant their family had kicked them out, and they were no longer allowed to use their surname. It was essentially the worst thing that could happen outside of the peacekeeper’s rulings. To be a no name was to be no one. Meaning it was a bad idea for Valkyrie to be talking to them.

Aren must have seen the thoughts in her eyes, or perhaps just known from experience how people responded, “Look I’m not a bad person. My family kicked me out because I told them I wasn’t a boy or a girl, that’s all. It’s not that big a deal!” they kicked some debris angrily, “The Capitol accepts stuff like that, it makes no sense that it would be such a big issue.”

Valkyrie frowned, “Well that wouldn’t work for tribute selection though. You have to be picked as a boy or a girl, so obviously the districts can’t have that form of identity.”

Aren shrugged, momentarily surprised by the fact Valkyrie had spoken, “Well I’ll get my name put into both. Who cares. Besides, they’ll have to put in my surname even though I’m a no name- reapings are for the Capitol, not us.”

Valkyrie stopped suddenly. She hadn’t heard someone talk about the Capitol so dismissively in seven years. It was shocking, and uncomfortable, but familiar.

****

Aren had remained in Valkyrie’s life long after that day. Despite her coldness, they’d been happy to just fill the awkward silence with small quips and observations. Almost four years later, Aren was the closest thing Valkyrie had to a friend, and Valkyrie was the only person who would talk to them in more than curt and aggressive instructions. They were the only ones who would tolerate each other, and so each became the other’s entire support system. They lived in different houses of care, but had become old enough to go wherever they wanted, whenever. They found spots of abandoned building sites, edges of the district that were uninhabited. They would sometimes spend entire nights out in the open, choosing to brave the cold and watch the stars over returning to the suspicious, sometimes disgusted looks waiting for them at their respective homes.

Valkyrie wasn’t in love with Aren. She wasn’t sure that that was an option for her anymore. But she loved them. There was an unwavering certainty that they would have each other, in spite of anything that might come their way. It was a small comfort, but one she could cling to when she heard someone sneer under their breath about her parents, or watched them choose a less qualified strong blood for a position based on name alone.

One night Aren was late to their favourite spot, and when they showed up, they were so drunk that Valkyrie smelt them before she saw them.

“Valkyrie!” they stumbled down next to her, spilling some sort of spirit onto her leg, “My favourite person!”

“Aren?” she frowned, “Since when do you get this drunk?”

They’d drank a bit through the years, but never this much. They weren’t safe enough to be found this drunk- no one would care enough to help them, and many would jump on the choice to hurt them, physically or in reputation.

“Well, my love,” they drawled, “It has been quite the day,” they took another swig, spilling more onto their front, “Guess who walked back into my life today?”

Valkyrie opened her mouth to answer but Aren spoke before she could, “My dearest mother! My father died, it turns out. No one told me, but now I know, and guess what? She always disagreed with me being sent away- she always thought it would be better to keep me locked away in the house,” they began to imitate a high, foreign voice, “After all, anything Aren does out in the world might get back to the family!”

Valkyrie blinked, “Aren this is… a big fucking deal.”

Aren grinned lazily, eyes slightly unfocused, “That it is Valkyrie my dear, that it fucking is! Because my mother,” they spat the word, “Has already been speaking to the house of care, and I absolutely will be returning to them. And I will be kept within the walls of the family house and kept as the girl I was always supposed to be,” they laughed miserably, “She was very clear about that. They ‘will not be entertaining my fantastic ideas of grandeur’ anymore.”

Valkyrie just watched them for a second, noting the shaking hands holding the bottle, “Well… you’re going to turn eighteen in just a few days, right? Then you can leave them, and we can get that place we were looking at- you’ve been a no name this long, and you never thought they’d take you back, it’s kind of no different, right?”

Aren’s laugh was bitter, “Oh Valkyrie. Little Miss Maddox. You know as well as I do that there’s no choice in this. I’m going back to them because they want me, and the minute I cross that threshold I’m never seeing the light of day again.”

Valkyrie’s face dropped, “Why- I understand that,” she began slowly, “But what I don’t understand is why you’re giving in so quickly. You’re strong and smart, and I know you could get out if you wanted to. Why are you so accepting of what’s going to happen?”

“Valkyrie,” Aren’s hands came up to grasp her face, and she felt the spit slick bottle against her cheek, “No names don’t get second chances. This is literally my best chance, it’s a fucking act of god.”

Valkyrie felt her stomach fall. Aren was choosing this. It was a shitty position, but Aren was still making that fucking choice.

“You would rather live your life locked up with them than with me?” she whispered, their faces close enough that they would feel her breath on their cheek.

Aren threw her head back, “You’re making this about you? How fucking self-absorbed can you be? They’re taking me back, Valkyrie! And you know that if your parents were still here you’d make the same fucking choice!”

Valkyrie let her head drop, wrapping her arms around her knees, “You’re just drunk. You’re just saying this because you’re drunk. Please, just put the fucking alcohol down, and then you’ll sober up, and then we can have an actual conversation-“

Aren laughed again, angrier this time, “There she is! The strong, brave, untouchable Valkyrie Maddox, ladies and gentlemen! Still the same lost, unloved seven year old begging for someone to take care of her!” they took another swig, “Do you know what they say about us? Do you?”

Valkyrie just shook her head. She had always avoided listening to the others and kept her head down.

“They say,” Aren’s voice dropped into a low sneer, “That you may have traitor parents, but it was insane that you would waste your time with a disgusting no name like me. They say that you’re so brave and strong and could be so much more without someone like me holding you back. But what they don’t know,” they crouched down to whisper into her ear, “Is that deep down, you’re just that same pathetic child who couldn’t convince her family to care about her.”

Valkyrie reared back, getting to her feet, “Aren, your family don’t want you! I don’t understand why you would choose them and the prison they have planned for you!”

Aren watched her as they took another lazy swig, “Valkyrie this whole district is a fucking prison, we just get to choose our cell. And this?” they looked around the exposed, dusty site they were in, broken tools left to rust, “This just isn’t good enough for me.”

Valkyrie didn’t wait to hear what else they had to say. She began to walk home, and for the first time in four years, Aren didn’t follow. And Valkyrie didn’t return. To any of their spaces. A week after Aren’s eighteenth birthday, she heard a coworker whisper about the unfortunate accident in the Castell family. A fire. Everyone had made it out but the returned no name. ‘Good riddance’ they’d said.

She didn’t react. That night she’d gone home to her new single room, paid for with her own money, and waited for the tears to come. They didn’t.

[secret-time-is-here]

The deities

Notes: So, this does include mentions of death and mass destruction, so a good some of violence, but it's not graphic so that's why there are no warning applied. Just a heads up. Also, they were once humans, but are now skeletons-which comes in handy to know if you read the endnotes.

The two stood still, undeniably lost in what to do. They stared at each other blocking out the ruble and obvious destruction and chaos around them, a numbness bubbled the two from existence, too distracted by their hate and rivalry to care about much else. Their ears were ringing, a loud and long beep filling the void of usual silence. The crashing and tumbling of buildings in the distance weren’t noticed, structures of all kinds summiting to the laws of gravity.

Only their panting and fastly beating souls were heard, magic pulsing to keep the heated battle going and lungs furiously trying to follow but only working to make their bodies burn brighter with pain and fury. If fury was energy, they’d both be bright blue stars.

The smell of blood filled their noses a small heads up to the body count around them. The sense seeming to only increase as their sight stopped blaring white and the numbness around them faded, letting them hear the sounds of destruction settling and the sounds of lives giving in to Death. Dust and dirt blew in the wind, stinging their eyes and coating their bodies in a transparent sheet of destruction.

They could feel the marrow run down their heads like a slow pace stream as their bodies started to be pushed down by gravity and exhaustion, the adrenaline rush of anger passing through, their magic settling and aura’s calming. It no longer felt like a cold Antartic winter around him as hot Arizona heat cooled to a bearable temperature.

He felt his scorched wings ever so slowly relaxed and curl around his beaten body protectively, the same way they sat most the time, seemingly knowing how defensive their owner was. His opponent, on the other hand, stayed guarded, refusing to back down or believe the fight had ended.

“Well, I suppose the fight is over…” He huffed, “For now, that is.” A breeze passed and he shivered, a reminder that his jet black wings weren’t the only things torn anymore.

“We both know the fight’s never over, Nightmare.”

If only Dream knew he just wanted this war to end.

“At the least, it looks as if it’s time for us to part,” the dark king surrendered, staring into the eyes of his opposite for any sign of emotion, but found none. The person he wanted back was gone. He’d never be able to see the smile he took for granted again.

A dark portal reeking of corruption and negativity opened behind him, and he walked back into it, watching Dream until his body disappeared and was replaced by his home, his body lurching as he felt the comfort of cold freeze his wounds over.

The dark king stood still, letting his burning lungs and stinging injuries cool with the icy air, his old friend’s expression burning in his mind just to spite him. The fiery glare melting him into a puddle of agony and shame, the frown twisted in a way that it stayed in its place like stone, unloving and disbelieving.

His mind flashed to a time when it wasn’t like that, when both of them were happy, before they were guardian angels of the tree, even before they rejoiced in deaths relm were they no longer owned pain, back when it was just them and a hospital room.

Although things could never be like that again, he’ll just forever be stuck alone.

“You okay, Night? Need help?” A figure called out to him, pulling him away from his chilling thoughts.

His body jumped a bit at the unexpected intruder, but opening his eye to look it was no one of the sort, but instead a well-known friend.

“Sorry, did I scare you?” The skeleton continued, coming out of the shadows with a medkit in hand, chuckling at Nightmare’s shocked expression before running over to him, ready to help heal him up in the little ways he could. The wings were always harder to heal, and most items didn’t work with his corrupted and drowned body.

“A little, yes. Still not used to coming home to company.” Night nervously laughed along, sitting down and flexing out his wings to allow his friend to better look at them and himself. “Thank you, Killer.” he hoarsely spoke out as he clenched his teeth at the sting of ointment dosed bandages meeting his wounds.

“Of cource, you know we’re here for you when you need it.” The dark king smiled softly, humming in agreement. He wasn’t alone with them around was he?

-----

“Another fight? Already?!” Blue pouted as he gave Dream the pain meds and items to help himself heal.

The ex guardian huffed stiffly, mumbling that it wasn’t his fault and Nightmare was just being himself, an asshole that got in his way.

“You still could’ve asked us for help!” The sans exclaimed as another walked into the room, turning to the newcomer he yelled out, “Ink! Back me up here!”

“Well-” The artist tried.

“There’s not much you could do, our battles are mostly airborn, besides, by the time I get there the whole AU is long gone and usually irreversible. He practically destroys it to nothing like that enemy of yours, some weird name- Error, right?” Dream distracted, trying to keep the topic of Nightmare and him, it always gave him a guilty feeling near his soul and in his gut that didn’t feel right one bit.

Ink gave a motion to Blue, as if saying see what I mean?

“Just, next time let us know so we can actually be prepared for you to come terribly injured.” The swap mothered, leaving Dream with his sins.

ENDNOTES, RECCOMEND YOU READ:

Okay, background info:

The idea is they were both quite literally guardian angels. It hints at the fact they are both heavily dead and that they met in a hospital room under circumstances of a terminal sickness. I got a bit too much into this fanfic so I did some research so I could explain away their deaths.

Nightmare died as it was hinted at, drowning. Not sure if this would actually work but the general idea was he got lung cancer that was misdiagnosed as ASMA, and they caught it too late and it spread to his throat. Kemo didn't work so he was diagnosed terminally ill, and that's when he was given a room that he would come to share later with Dream. it hints at how it didn't work because it says how most medicines don't work for him. Although eventually, his throat tore and he died in his sleep, drowning in his blood flooding his lungs.

Dream died from a large tumor that attached itself to his heart and was too risky to operate on he was given a room and diagnosed terminal under the assumption the tumor would take over his heart and someday compress it to the point of heart failure, to which the doctors were right.

The two of them agreed to find each other int the afterlife and they did. However, one day there were begged by a tree spirit to watch over her tree since she was dying, understanding here situation, they took the job. The apple incident still happens in the "AU" and it has it's own explanation as well.

Nightmare was in death's realm longer than Dream and had arrived a year or two before Dream, so he had long since earned his wings. Dream was just growing a pair when they took up the job of watching over the tree. So when he committed to the sin of greed by turning his back on nightmare in favor of being friends with the praising village nearby, his small wings were overtaken by large demon clawed ones, he still has the small angel wings beside them, they are often blocked most the time however and are usually tucked away under his shirt since they are so small. When Nightmare ate the apples his wings were nearly full-grown so they were scorched black and he was pronounced a fallen angel.

Dream doesn't believe he was at fault for the incident and strongly believes Nightmare cursed him, hence his negative view on him. Nightmare just wants his friend back, but end up finding the crew in a similar way to in "The bad guys rewrite" but despite that, he sometimes wishing he and Dream were still friends.

Dream and nightmare belong to @jokublog

Killer belongs to @rahafwabas

Ink belongs to @comyet

Error belongs to @loverofpiggies

Blue belongs to the undertale community

[bemused-writer]

The Cain Saga Vol. 2 - The Sound of a Boy Hatching

Note: Warning for spoilers and for the content of the manga series itself. It is rated “explicit” for its themes.

Volume 2 really gets off to a much more solid start than volume 1 primarily because it's actually focusing on our main characters, their backstories, and what makes them tick. I'm very excited to see Mary Weather once more; she's Cain's half sister and she excels at fortune telling. Upon meeting Cain, she tells his fortune. She says: "This card [The Hanged Man] refers to a man who will bring sorrow and suffering into your life. I also see that there will be... three victims. And this is your fate card. It's death. [...] You're going to die soon."

Cain’s reaction to this is kind of great but Riff’s is especially perfect:

No, not generally considered funny at all.

Now, I have to say, Mary Weather appears to interpret tarot cards very differently from me. XD Or maybe Japan just has different associations in general but The Hanged Man isn't necessarily a negative card and neither is Death. Fiction often does a poor job portraying tarot, though... 

The Hanged Man usually means something along the lines of a perspective shift (because he's upside down), going down the less beaten path, etc. while Death shows the end of one thing and the beginning of something new. In other words, an intense change of some kind. Now, I don't know what spread Mary Weather was doing (and it obviously wasn't considered important to the plot) but I would love to know where she's getting some of this from. I mean, she could just be genuinely psychic and the cards are just for show. That might actually be what's happening; it's been too long and I can't quite recall. But if I had to hazard a guess (and I'm going to because I find this fascinating) I would say the first card was "what is around you" while the second card, as she says, is his fate card. If I'd been doing the interpreting I would have assumed something more along the lines of The Hanged Man represents someone around Cain who will make him reevaluate how he views things/force him to alter his habits (could easily be any number of the villains that constantly plague him) and as for the fate card , Death, I would have said that he had to let something go (most likely his past) in order to make peace with the present. He's holding something back, change is on the horizon, etc. ...I guess what I'm saying is that if you're going to bring tarot into a story be prepared for anyone who actually uses tarot to judge your interpretations of the cards. XD Anyway, as far as the story itself is concerned, Mary Weather is right on the money. Three people die in this short story (including her friend) and as for Cain's fate card... well, it remains to be seen. Either way, he decides to take care of Mary Weather and brings her back with him. Also, it's a relatively minor detail, but we learn that his father had affairs. We learn a lot more about his father in the very next chapter and it appears that his having affairs was the least alarming thing about him.

There’s also one more thing about Mary Weather’s prediction that I want to point out:

It would be easy to say this was referencing this chapter only but that’s not the case and Mary Weather’s prediction will only become more pertinent as the series goes on.

But before that, the final section of this chapter drives home a point that the previous volume was trying to make as well: self-sacrifice is the truest expression of love. As far as this series is concerned, if you love someone, you'll prove it by dying for them. 

The second chapter is the one that really gets to the heart of the series as a whole: Cain, his father, Alexis Hargreaves, and Riff. It's really weird seeing Riff and Alexis speaking with one another amicably and it only gets stranger as Riff learns how cruel Alexis really is. Up to this point, we haven't really had a reason to think much of Riff; he seems loyal to Cain and he seems to be a good butler. That's literally all we know about him. But knowing how loyal he is to Cain only makes it more surreal as he stands by as Alexis whips his child's back. Riff is horrified, of course, but he doesn't really do anything aside from wonder why Cain still thinks his father loves him.

Honestly, I know whipping a child was a far more common punishment at this point in time but considering he's being whipped hard enough it's leaving scars on his back, reminiscent of how brutal a slave's punishment might be around this time period, you'd think Riff would be a little more concerned, especially since we just learned Riff was at one point training to be a doctor. Of course, there's a possible reason for why he isn't but I'll get back to that around when we get into Godchild.... Anyway, the reason Cain trusts Riff is pretty straightforward: Riff was kind to him when he was a child (he was 12 in this chapter, which would put Riff at 23), he acknowledged his presence when other servants wouldn't, and he swears to stay at his side, always. Cain has no reason not to trust Riff when he's done more for him than any other adult in his life has. I will point out, that while I'm going to assume this changes at some point, as a child Cain seemed to view Riff a bit like a possession, which is a decidedly aristocratic opinion. Riff doesn't do anything to dissuade him of this notion, which seems to indicate they're both very much of their time and status. Also, Riff was told Cain was somewhat strange by Alexis. When he finally meets Cain, he acts very strangely ("You can see me?") and promptly faints in his arms but this is what he thinks:

You don’t find this strange? XD Twenty-three-year-old Riff wasn’t as with it as present-day Riff....

Now, why does Riff stay with Cain? He's intrigued by him, that much we know for sure, and he wants to care for someone who has been so badly mistreated. Both of these reasons make sense but there is a final statement made by Riff that raises some questions:

You only exist to serve him? You’ve only met him!

But if you combine it with what Alexis said earlier in this panel here:

It’s all looking pretty sinister. 

At the end of the chapter, Riff accidentally draws a tarot card from Mary Weather's deck. We don't see which one it is (and I can't remember if it's ever revealed) but considering what I do remember about the series I would guess he drew something like The Tower (chaos, destruction, shaken beliefs, etc.) or possibly The Moon (the shadow self, hidden depths, etc.) but that would be with my interpretations of the cards and, as we saw earlier, those do not match up with the manga's. 8D Now, Cain's father appears to die in this chapter but he, along with Cain's mother, are used as an explanation for why Cain's life is so cursed. In short, Alexis had a wife but the only woman he ever "loved" was his sister, Augusta. He forced himself on her and so she had Cain. The whole ordeal drove her mad and Cain only met her twice in his life at the asylum. The second time she saw Cain drove her to kill herself by jumping through a window because he looked like Alexis. On her deathbed she finally recognized him for who he actually was and she warned him to get away from Alexis, that her death would only make him worse. This is also when Cain realizes the truth of his heritage, which was hinted at pretty strongly this whole chapter:

And this isn't the first time a woman went mad around young Cain. The woman he thought was his mother (Alexis's actual wife) blamed him for his father's distant attitude toward her and she tried to kill him with a scythe. Where did she find a scythe, you ask? I have no idea. Maybe this is the kind of thing people just had on hand back then for the occasional head-lopping. (And yes, I know farmers use them to cut wheat but ... they weren't farmers.)

Present day Cain sometimes sounds a little sexist ("Why do girls love to do such impractical things?") but considering that's about as bad as it ever gets with him and considering how easily his perceptions would have been influenced by his past... I'd say we're doing pretty good. Now, when Alexis tries to kill Cain for "murdering" Augusta, he makes an interesting remark: "You took the only person I loved from me. Now you'll see what that feels like, Cain!" He's pointing the gun at Riff, the person he mentioned earlier was the only person who could "tame" Cain. It's pretty early in the series and his words could be meaningless but we already know Cain trusts Riff, so there could be some truth there. His father also says, "You'll go through life unloved and die alone." I suppose we'll see if that turns out to be true or not. But now we've gotten to see why Cain trusts Riff and, to a lesser degree, why Riff stays at his side despite how dangerous that actually is and we have some very good reasons to dislike Alexis. The third chapter is ... well, it tells us a little something about Cain, I suppose but it's largely just a murder mystery. Cain is meeting up with another friend (I honestly don't remember him having this many friends. So far they've all ended up dead or insane, though, so maybe that's why...). This one is named Professor Lambert and his wife dislikes Cain, which seems to just be a common attitude towards Cain as we saw in volume 1. In this case, her issue with him is that his main hobby is the use of poisons, and I guess that is kind of a weird hobby. He's also kind of rude to her to boot, so... Anyway, her husband, Lambert, makes a comment early on that already had me disliking him:

He's awfully cavalier about the fact that the second Cain comes to visit a girl dies. His inquiry about Riff also strikes me as odd; aristocrats did not much care about servants and I doubt they would have been asking about them. This goes to show that Riff is at Cain's side so constantly that to see him without is odd (Riff is largely absent in this chapter). He also asks about Mary Weather. It's noteworthy that Cain doesn't answer any of his questions whatsoever and simply discusses his wife's disliking of him. Anyway, the theme of this chapter is, once again, perverted love. In this case, Professor Lambert is a pedophile and he's the one who killed the girl at the beginning of the chapter, Elsie. Cain kills him using poison as he explains how he deduced everything and that the only reason he came was because he was hoping Mary Weather could meet Elsie. Apparently, they were friends at some point. So, Mary Weather now has two dead friends (she doesn't know about this one though) and all of Cain's acquaintances are bad. I'm also not sure how I felt about Elsie's portrayal in this story. Lambert killing her is being framed as definitely bad but their relationship itself is kind of just ... acknowledged, which seems like a weird way of handling something like that.

So, the main thing we’ve learned regarding Cain is he just wants to spoil Mary Weather. He wanted to find her a friend, failed, bought her some kind of present instead. I guess that's nice...? 

Also, Cain smokes:

We see more of indulgent/protective big brother Cain in the next chapter. When Mary Weather admits knowledge of a grisly murder and says a servant told her, this is his reaction:

Riff is clearly exasperated; he probably knows Mary Weather is going to find this stuff out regardless, but he'll do as Cain asks. It also begs the question: how many people have been fired for this sort of thing?

As for Cain, he apparently wants to preserve Mary Weather's innocence. Considering his own childhood, I think I understand why. I think it might be too late, though, judging by the Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes she shares with Cain when he admits no one taught him any (and, you know, the time she spent having to live on her own).

That is the face of a man who is only now realizing children’s stories are deranged.

I feel like Cain is behaving out of character compared to what we saw of him before at the actual ball, though. 

There's a woman at the ball he goes to named Gladys who is married. She didn't go to the ball with her husband, so everyone things she's available. Cain knows she's married, she hits on him, and the two go upstairs for some "activities" but she suddenly stops them.

I suppose Cain isn't really protesting exactly; possibly he's trying to warn her about the ignoble nature of other men, but it seems odd to have this after we see how much he didn't push Bibi despite literally paying her for her services:

I don't have a problem with Cain being promiscuous or anything but I think there could have been a better way of demonstrating the fact. This kind of tone is such a typical trope of shoujo manga from the era that I’m not sure if we’re supposed to be reading this deeply into it, however...

But Gladys does explain her behavior regardless and I just ... I'm not sure this is sound logic. XD

I understand wanting to confirm whether you're a sleepwalking murderer, but seducing other men to do it seems like quite the extra mile.

I should probably clarify that the whole dilemma of this chapter is that she does, in fact, think she’s a sleepwalking murderer due to how she keeps hearing a nursery song and then someone winds up dead while she sleeps. Regardless, Cain gets caught up in the whole thing and gets to know both Gladys and her husband, Radcliff.

...And Cain has gone from seducing the wife to hitting on the husband.

I don't think he's prepared for that, Cain... Also, Kuroshitsuji has been compared to this series before (and quite understandably) but this panel really drives home the similarities to me:

A young(er) aristocrat, lounging about, as the servant reads off some details about a murder mystery, and they solve it together? The aristocrat comes from a cursed family? The butler is weirdly good at everything? I mean...? Toboso must have read this. The main difference is that while Toboso dances around the dark subjects in her manga (for the most part; certain arcs are more blatant) Kaori Yuki will just flat out tell you all the horrible things happening. I think this story has the most sympathetic characters so far, though. Gladys and her husband, Radcliff, are both a bit ditzy and a lot of fun because of it. But seeing as this is The Cain Saga no one can remain happy for long. In short, Radcliff was actually the murderer and he did it because he was being confronted by noblemen who had used him in his youth (it's kept somewhat vague but it was almost certain sexual abuse). Gladys is shocked that her husband would kill anyone and because of that short shock/rejection, he kills himself. I think this is the first time we see Cain actually regret getting involved in a case. He says to Riff: "Everyone has scars that they would rather die than let their loved ones see." 

He's speaking of Radcliff's physical scars, of course, but also the emotional ones left from abuse. He is also referring to the exact same duality in himself. He has physical scars but it's the emotional ones he really doesn't want anyone to know about. He understands the pain Radcliff was going through all too well and can see himself in him. He never meant for Gladys to wind up a widow either. He was trying to solve a murder mystery but in this case the men being targeted deserved to die. I think this is also the first time we see Cain dealing with people that aren't related to him or a previous acquaintance in any way. The last chapter of this volume is pretty short but it shows us how Cain's extended family dealt with Alexis's death and the fact someone needed to take care of Cain. In short, they dealt with it badly! One of Cain's cousins, Andrew, attempted to kill him the previous night. It came about because Cain overheard he embezzles from the Hargreaves treasury. However, it turns out it wasn't Cain who died but an unnamed friend of his he'd switched clothes with beforehand.

This raises so many questions and no answers are offered. Did he intend for this friend to die? Did he intend to take him from the orphanage and adopt him...? And why is this "first friend" never mentioned again? How did they even meet? But the woman who killed him is given justice; Cain kills her in turn. ...The aristocracy is unpleasant. And that wraps up volume 2! I really enjoyed this one. The stories are a lot stronger overall and they all focus on Cain in some way, which makes for a much more consistent tone.

[shieldmciden]

          Okay, so since I’m going to drop my CANON DIVERGENT verse soon, I thought it would be important to explain why I’m keeping that part canon in my portrayal. Despite it being an unpopular opinion. ( also named it as headcanon because Lagertha’s thoughts / pov )

   [   Lagertha kills Aslaug. 4x14.   ]        personals blogs DON’T REBLOG

         Joy, thank-yous, smiles, relief... were all she could read on the many faces surrounding her right now. These well known visages. Her people. It was like they waited for her to free them of a ruler that didn’t care enough. Lagertha had never thought Aslaug was a bad Queen, but at times, she knew she was used to be royalty. She actually figured it out from the day she has walked in her house. The day where she had rubbed her belly outrageously in front of everyone, making the current Earl’s wife uncomfortable, unfitting, && more than anything, unworthy. Aslaug was ruling like many Earls, && Kings, who had power but only used it selfishly. But it wasn’t much about Aslaug, sure she was bitter over many things that the Shield-maiden had not been able to get over with, but right now, it was all about her people. && Ragnar.

         She saw the man. Her love. He wasn’t the one she met, the years had weighted on him, && she was persuaded that his wife, the volva - because she saw things - had been one of his evils, && sorrows. After fifteen years by Ragnar’s side, he had never turned into half the man he was today. Aslaug wasn’t good, she was a poison. She was also a cheater. Even Ragnar didn’t deserve that. Again, she saw him, && it broke her heart to see him like this. He had no hope anymore, he was lonely, feeling rejected && unloved. Lagertha wished their ways could reunite again, it was crystal clear that they both wished the same, && regretted the same things. He wondered what would have become if he hadn’t surrendered to Aslaug, && she kept wondering what her life would have been she had stayed in Kattegat. That kiss on her lips, the feeble light in his eyes had been enough to decide her to take over the Kingdom he wasn’t able to rule anymore. She knew him better than the back of her hand ; he didn’t care anymore. Maybe when he’d come back from England... maybe they could start something new ? His children were big, they didn’t need their parents together anymore, && Björn was the one who was supposed to succeed to Ragnar’s throne. She wasn’t really taking anything really, she was just helping him, because as he used to remind her so well, Ragnar became Earl because of others people actions - Lagertha’s - , && King because he had no choice in order to save his family.

         Lagertha had seen the way Aslaug had ruled during his absence. Nothing happened, nothing had been developed, Kattegat was just a place like any other, even Hedeby, her own place, was more productive than Kattegat in this moment. It was slowly dying. Like him.  && she couldn’t let that happen. She knew his sons tried, but... they were too young. Ragnar was gone, && as much as she had wanted to come with him, she had her own duties here in her Earldom. && She was sure he didn’t think straight. He didn’t succeed last time. She was getting tired to fight on others lands - England - , when their own lands here were compromised.She also knew that there would be losses in taking over the place, && it hurt her. I hurt to see how many people would die for Kattegat, it wasn’t fair. She had stopped the massacre earlier, a brief  ‘ enough ‘  sufficed to stop. No more losses. Not more deaths, when she was literally doing it for them.

         But for now, it was clear that she had taken the good decision when she stared at them, feeling hands on her back by way of thank-you. She smiled, as she was making her way to the Great Hall, Shield-maidens following carefully behind her. She knew she’d meet the Queen soon. She wasn’t sure how Aslaug would react though, she knew she wouldn’t be that surprised considering the animosity they had for each other the last years. Lagertha never forgave her, just like she never forgave Ragnar either, but time had eased the pain of the betrayal, && things had become more important. But again, she had not been able to erase Ragnar’s miserable face from her mind, && how Aslaug had reminded her that she was the Queen, && Lagertha was just an Earl a couple of days before the sacrifice. It seemed like old wounds weren’t really healed for anyone, really.

         Along the way, she appeared, in her heavy majestic furred coat, her crown settled on top of her tall presence. The cheering slowly disappeared as she made her way to meet the warrior. Her blue eyes landed on the sword she was carrying with her, && she knew, she knew Aslaug was giving up on the throne. No more losses. Did she see it, she wondered. Lagertha gave her shield, Aslaug didn’t look angry, && actually Lagertha couldn’t really read her expression in this moment, when she had felt the threat clearly last time. It was different.

         Lagertha waited, watching the defeated Queen who glanced at the Seer. Again, she wondered if they anticipated her arrival. It didn’t matter anymore, Lagertha’s colors had won. Aslaug was still beautiful. She really looked like a Queen, but she wasn’t a good one for anyone here.     ‘ How strange, Lagertha, that you should play the usurper. One woman against another. It doesn’t quite fit with your reputation. ’     Aslaug said. She sounded surprised. && she shouldn’t be, considering everything that happened between them, their sons, their people.

     Lagertha  started to place her sword back to her waist, as there won’t be no blood anymore today.      “ I was never the usurper, always the usurped. “      she began calmly.     “You took my husband, my world, && my happiness.”     She was only explaining, because she didn’t seem to understand, when there were so many reasons, && Lagertha only listed personal ones for now, because it seemed the easiest ones to get.      “ The fact that you’re a woman is neither here, nor there “        She had killed her previous husbands, for obvious reasons as well, && Kalf, he usurped her && he was a man. That had nothing to do about her being a woman, but her taking everything away from her. She still didn’t see the sorrows she had brought to her ? She never wondered why Lagertha left when she showed up with her pregnancy ?

        ‘ I didn’t take your husband, he chose to be with me. ‘      That wasn’t good. She still didn’t understand, && Lagertha had to control herself. She was abandoning her Kingdom, but they had unfinished business. But if she really wanted to know a piece of her mind, then that was the perfect day. Jawline tight, Lagertha answered.      “He didn’t choose. You’re a witch, you bewitched him.”      She claimed to be a volva after all, but she had to admit Lagertha wouldn’t let it go so easily. Not after everything.

         ‘ If that’s what you want to believe, that’s up to you.’      So now, she was implying that it wasn’t true. That Aslaug herself wasn’t in the wrong ?      ‘ I don’t disagree, women can have power over men. But it’s not always magical, is it, Lagertha ? ’       Lagertha wanted to reply that he didn’t choose her, only his sons. && a part of her also knew that Aslaug’s beauty had drawn Ragnar to fault, to fall for her, even for a an hour. An hour that had costed them everything. Aslaug gathered herself, && turned to the people around, she was about to say something important.    

‘ In any case, Ragnar is dead.’

         People started to whisper, murmuring around them, && immediately Lagertha’s words flew out of her mouth.     ‘ You don’t know that.’       It couldn’t be possible, he just left for England. It just... no. She was fooling her, that was the only way.      ‘I dreamed it, I warned him about his journey. In my dreams, his boats were sunk in the storm. Ragnar died. So did my son, Ivar.’      She was lying, she was certain she was lying because her face was as bright at the sun, no clouds were invading her beautiful face. If he was dead, indeed, she would have somehow a reaction, he was her husband after all. It just... didn’t make any sense. She was lost now.       ‘But you don’t know that.’      Her jawline was tight, she was having a hard time to believe her. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. He had to come back. Aslaug was showing no emotion, even for her son, she was lying. && it made her angry. Everything she said made her angry. Hearbeat increased slowly, pounding hard into her chest, as she could feel herself already overwhelmed.

        She watched Aslaug with intense eyes, angry at her as this one took a long pause to answer, cocking her head on the side as if she wasn’t even sure of her answer.      ‘ No i don’t know that for sure. It was just a dream.’           She was fooling her. Or maybe not. But she was driving her crazy, because she seemed to really believe her own words. && she didn’t... care ? She had been married to Ragnar for longer than she did, && she didn’t show any emotion ? She was just playing around with his death. A dream. He would come back. He had to.

         “&& I have dreamed of taking back my home. I have dreamed it for a long time.’      Adrenalin was slowly decreasing now, she tried to remain as calm as she could, when her first instinct was to draw her sword, even just to threaten her, but no loss. Even if she deserved it entirely.     “ But if I have to fight for it, then I will.”     Lagertha already knew she wouldn’t try anything, from the way she stood, && also by experience, Aslaug didn’t know how to even hold a sword.

         ‘ Don’t worry, I could never fight you Lagertha. ‘      Aslaug smiled, almost too much for her own good. It wasn’t a joke, did she even realize it ? Again, she didn’t care. She didn’t even think Lagertha could fight her, because of her reputation ? She thought she was weak... it was just being responsible, && caring. It made her angry all over again.     ‘ I am not my mother, nor my father. I would never win.’      The way she acted, the way she moved, the way she smiled even after admitting she thought Ragnar was dead... the way she dropped the sword vulgarly by her feet. She showed no respect. For anyone. But Lagertha waited, it was the only thing she could do besides watching her right in the eyes, or else, she wasn’t sure of her next move. She wanted her to go now.

         ‘ The gods foretold Ragnar would have many sons. And I have given him those sons. I am as much a part of his saga, Lagertha, as you are.’     Ragnar again, && his sons. The sons she couldn’t have with him despite the amount of love they have for each other, the sons that separated her from him, but also the son she had lost because of prophecies. It was unfair. Oh so unfair. Aslaug had everything, && she didn’t have to work for it, she didn’t even deserve any of this. && though, she was smelling of insolence, carelessness && selfishness. She was toxic && she was humiliating her in front of everyone, her people.  Again. Making her feel less a woman than she was because of the Gods. Humiliating her again for the same reasons twenty years ago Lagertha left. Lagertha felt so unimportant in this moment. The anger inside her chest was consuming her, && though, she couldn’t lose it now, she couldn’t... it wasn’t in her plans... everything confused her . It turned hard to think straight, to focus.    

         ‘ But now I renounce everything. All I ask is safe passage. All I ask is that you let me live here in peace, to go wherever the gods decide. And you shall have back your hearth and home. With my blessing. And my sons, when they hear how it was done, will be grateful for the manner of it. And not seek revenge’        Lagertha was still watching her, but she was barely listening. With her bright smile, she was acting like a Saint, that was the word Athelstan used at times. As if she was the victim,as if Lagertha was taking everything from her, && still, she was the good person here. She wasn’t, && would never be. Lagertha was blinded by her anger. Her blood was boiling, simmering, watery eyes were still there, but she repressed the tears that urged to fall, to let her feelings show in front of such a cold person like Aslaug. All she could  mutter was a brief    “ I understand.”      She didn’t agree on any of her requests.

         She swallowed thickly, trying to ghost a smile upon her lips, but the decision was already taken. Aslaug didn’t care, she didn’t fear her since the beginning, because she had a big heart from her reputation. Lagertha let her win once... but it was over. Lagertha realized she had taken everything from both Ragnar && Lagertha, for literally nothing. && she didn’t care. She was still smiling, impudent, thinking that she could live her life for long years freely. That wasn’t what happened for Lagertha when she had left. She didn’t leave with a single blessing, she didn’t leave with anything besides her son !

         Lagertha moved aside, looking down, only stare up at Aslaug when the tall woman walked past her with that smile.      ‘ Thank you. ’      She was literally pushing her to the deepest of her soul now, from how kind she could be. There would be no loss, but her plans had changed. She didn’t have a plan anymore. Lagertha was impulsive, reckless, drawn by her own emotions, but more than anything, she hated injustice. She clenched her jaw, watched the Queen leave with that bright successful smile of hers. She glanced at Torvi, && she knew, she handed her the bow in her hand. Fingers curled around the wooden weapon, as she slid a perfect arrow between her bloody knuckles. She waited, her breath stopped for a second as she hesitated, until she remembered Ragnar’s face. He was gone. Her heart ached in pain, && she freed the arrow that went to find its target perfectly. Lagertha was a skilled archer, she never missed anything.

But she never forgot anything either.

[wewomenbookclub]

Submission Spotlight: @rosewater7

Note: As a part of the raffle organized in the month of May, members submitted personal stories about the struggles of getting honest with their lives. Here is one story. 

Warning: This submission deals with some pretty heavy topics including abuse. Trigger warnings are issued below. Please read with care. 

Honesty Submission

By: @rosewater7

Honesty has never been a problem for me… unless it comes to being honest to myself.

I was always made to tell the truth, with fear of being hit when I told a lie. Therefore, I got into the habit of not telling lies, except to myself. As I work through the exercises, I notice a slight pattern in the messages I’ve been sending to myself. Very few of them are the truth. They are all messages I picked up as a child, because my father was telling me them over and over, ingraining them in my head. I guess a bit of a backstory is necessary for getting honest.

See, I grew up in a semi normal household: mom, dad, older sister, and younger brother. I wasn’t the first born, or the only son. I was just me. Well, for my father, “just me” didn’t quite cut it. I was invisible, or else I was his verbal and literal punching bag.

I found a poem, awhile back, by Rupi Kaur, that struck me. It read, “a daughter should not have to beg her father for a relationship.” that’s what I found myself always doing. Everything I did was for him to notice. I got straight A’s so he would congratulate me, or show pride in any form. However, the only thing he saw was that I had to be pulled out of the classroom from grade 1 through 4 to get help with reading and math. I got everything mixed up, which to him meant that I was stupid. He seemed to find the flaw in everything I did, so I eventually learned that I was just not good enough.

There were often times, when my father said things to me that made me feel like the most unlovable person that has ever been alive. I was about 6 years old the first time he ever said it. What most people don’t know about me, is that I was a twin. Yes, I said was. My twin was never born. Well, my father took this and used it against me any chance he could. If I made a mistake, he would say to me, “You know I think God chose the wrong twin. You should have been the one who died.” This gave me some of the worst thoughts. I told myself that this is why I am not the “perfect daughter.” There were several times he has said variations of this same thing. I grew to believe that I was worthless. Nothing I could do, could make me into a person who never was.

At some point down the line, my father came home in a rage. My sister and brother were in the living room watching TV, and I was in the kitchen with my mother doing the dishes. He came straight for me screaming about anything and everything. As he was about to storm out, he turned on his heels, and threw the table across the room, in the same spot I was standing. It was the moment, that I had realized that he had no regard for my life. That’s was the point in time, when I realized my life was nothing to him, so it became nothing to me.

I took every message, every name, every action that he did and took it as the gospel truth. How could the man who was supposed to be my savior hate me so much? If the one person in the world who was, for all intents and purposes, made to love me, didn’t, then there must be something wrong with me. It is still something I have a hard time with. Where I am concerned, the problems of being honest with myself all come from him. Without the messages I received from my father, I wouldn’t have felt the need to go out and make myself known for something, therefore getting myself more messages that are false.

That’s where the struggle of getting honest with myself starts. How do I change these thoughts that have been conditioned into my brain? How do I admit that they are all lies? I have been digging deep into who I really believe myself to be. When something has been engrained in your mind for years, it seems next to impossible to change your views. I think for myself, that’s where the good part of brutal honesty to myself comes from. As I try to change my way of thinking, I think positive thoughts to myself. Where I would say, “I am such an idiot” instead I say, “I tried my best, and will try again!”

Does that mean I have completely forgotten the messages to myself? Absolutely not, but it’s two steps closer to becoming the real Hannah, dropping the façade of the long list of lies, and becoming the authentic me. I have learned new things about myself through this process of honesty, which is exciting and something I never thought could happen. I learned that I am smart; despite the fact that I struggle with a learning disability, I have maintained a 4.0 GPA in college. I am not unlovable. And most of all, I am not worthless.

Honesty is very gratifying, but it’s a long process. A process I have already wanted to quit more times than I can count. One of the hardest questions that the book asked was “When was the last time you were really happy in your life?” I am still struggling to come up with an answer for this question. It might go along with the messages that are ingrained in my head, but I honestly can’t remember the last time that I was genuinely happy without a twinge of sadness lurking in the corner.

But with the help of this book, and the women who have stood by and held my hand in this process, I am learning what that’s like again.

Getting honest with yourself is hard, but the benefits I have already noticed make it so worthwhile.