#to help us prepare for our med class this summer

[kittyhazelnut]

guess who just lost another 5% of their professionalism grade for not handing in the papers that I was told we weren't supposed to hand in because they were for our benefit and not for the clinical instructors'? :D

[captainmarsupial]

once again, i fail at this blog.

IT'S MID SEPTEMBER!

it's just now occurring to me that fall is in like, a week. which means i get to listen to stuff like phoebe bridgers & death cab for cutie & kyuhyun's "fall, once again" album & that one dj snake song about the end of summer. <3 i know it's gonna be hot for the next five weeks anyway, but i'm still in a good mood about it. the sun sets earlier & the mornings are a little colder! and i'm just about in the mood for warmer scents and using my oven!

summer was good. i guess i haven't updated since the first of july?! my week off kind of sucked since i was at home & there was a pretty vicious heatwave, but we got a new couch and it's such an upgrade from our old one. i went on a cousins trip to san diego which i would say was...overall successful, but i definitely learned who i would not travel with again. hahahah. but that's maybe not a story for the public blog. other than that, july was pretty laid back. i saw a soccer game with kristen & honor, celebrated john's bday, hosted a knitting night with tram & minnette & a new friend jenn... also ate hella bad & barely worked out, but that's ok. lol

august was buuuusy. went to outsidelands after swearing i'd retire, also went to a jazz festival (which was so much more lowkey), had a catch-up dinner with susan, took a yarn spinning class!, & had like a billion different birthday celebrations:

-dinner with toni at this popup thing her cousin was hosting. it was my first time doing one of those tasting menu type dinners & it felt hella fancy. there were some things we were confused on how to eat, & also there were ribs on the menu but we didn't know if we could use our hands?! LOL. i ended up using mine bc it was supposed to be a filipino fusion menu, & we use our HANDS! i also got a birthday shot on the house, &they gave me a fat ass shot of hennessy. -lunch with noel & josh! we got japanese curry, &then we went to the mall bc noel was buying a very expensive watch. i was already planning on buying myself a very expensive bag which is why i tagged along. my wallet was crying, but it was worth it & it was fun to hang out with the guys. :] -dinner with siblings & toni & everyone's SOs! we got kbbq. i was banned from helping plan this dinner because im the micromanager friend :[ embarrassing. but it was so awesome, they got me a cake that was covered in kyuhyun cake toppers bahah. &the restaurant staff wheeled it out which was definitely embarrassing but it's ok. -house party! not really. it was only like ten of us, but we did barbecue &drink hella &play beer pong &sing karaoke for the rest of the night. we cleaned up the yard & busted out all the seating and the umbrella, and had party favorites (filipino bbq + lumpia + little caesars LOL). oh & we even played GUITAR HERO! honestly, it was pretty healing. it was like all the best parts of family parties &no aunties there to call us fat or ask us why we weren't dating or going to med school. hahahah -dinner with parents! honestly, i've been too busy to go home and i feel super bad about it. so we met halfway and got sushi &did some shopping after. it made me happy, but i should definitely try & go back home sometime this month...

annndd now it's september!

i started playing tennis (technically again, but i haven't played since high school) & it's been a ton of fun. im so bad at sports, but i've definitely been getting the hang of it, which is shocking. i guess the only thing is im worried about getting injured so i tend not to go super hard. which i guess is fine, at my grown ass age lmao. but i do try and cross-train by doing cardio &strength training at the gym. i think it's helping more than i thought it would.

choir also started back up again! i was playing tennis last week with tram and rj and josh, & they were joking that i have the extracurricular schedule of a high school student. the only thing about choir is we're preparing for the christmas concert, so im already hearing christmas music this month. i've always been good about not listening to any christmas music until after thanksgiving, but not since i started singing in choir again. BAAHH. but im pretty excited for this concert because the repertoire isn't as challenging as last year's.

this week niki came & stayed for a few days since she was attending a conference in the area. it was actually rly fun to have a sleepover vibe going on, even if we did all sleep in separate rooms at the end of the evening LOL. we had a yummy dinner of korean corn dogs on her first night, &just caught up with...life. i haven't seen her in a couple of months since helping her move, &i worry about her sometimes bc i know she's going thru some life stresses.. so it was good to catch up, &have some reassurance that she's ok. on thursday night we were all busy, so we didn't see each other until the end of the evening, but on friday we spent the afternoon in the backyard drinking some vietnamese dessert drinks &playing genius star &cracking jokes. it was a nice start to the weekend. :]

i actually saw her yesterday too to check out her new place! she & meredith are living with a couple minnesotan friends now that i got to meet back in march. marissa came too so it was basically a mini reunion. we had a super yummy home cooked dinner & then talked shit about crappy guys at work & then played this game called in cahoots. i ended up going home first since i live the farthest :[ buut it was so nice to be all together again. i think march was the last time.. TT i've seen the rest of them on separate occasions since then, but being together as a group just hits different. sam & emily are so nice too :')) they live so far away, but hopefully i'll see them again soon.

next week im going camping! my sister was supposed to come, but she texted me today that she has covid :[ grrr. i should definitely be more careful since a lot of people i know have been getting it.. i slacked off on masking at work for sure, but people there sound hella nasty right now. so i packed a mask in my bag lol. anyway, camping should be fun. im excited to hike and cook! i started watching the kvar show spring camp today, &it really got me excited to camp. granted my gear is not that nice compared to theirs LOL. but still.

im hoping it won't be super hot at camping, especially now that the nights are cooling down significantly. i guess as long as we get the outdoor activities out of the way early, & then spend the rest of the day in the shade it should be fine. ahhhh...im excited :]

anyway, i guess ill go do some duolingo &then go to sleep.

[going-dead]

Phic Phight:Ghostly Inconvenience

Words:1672

@currentlylurking Team Human My First 2021 phic phight phic 

Prompt from @Slyph-feather :Would love to see Danny dealing with some of the minor inconveniences/differences in being a ghost; slower heartbeat, sickly pallor, maybe not showing up correctly in photographs, etc... bonus points if this is like in the school setting (because I think that would be funny)

Danny thought he had all his ghost problems figured out, or at least was aware of all of them, at this point. Afterall he’s had his powers for almost a year now. He was wrong, oh was he wrong. 

It was the first day of his sophomore year, no longer at the bottom of the high school food chain. He stood in line to get his picture taken for his school ID. Sam and Tucker had different classes for first period so they were off getting their pictures somewhere else. After a few minutes of board waiting it was his turn. Paulina skipped past him to get her ID and look at the picture she just took. 

Danny told the photographer his name and she entered a few things into her computer before gesturing for him to stand in front of the camera. Danny tried to make a few last second adjustments to his hair. “Okay smile!” The camera woman called out as he was blinded by a flash of light.

Danny started walking over to the ID station but was stopped. “Oh hold on dear the photo came out pretty blurry I’ll have to retake it. It’s no big deal don’t worry you probably just moved too quickly after the flash went off, stay still after the picture is taken okay?” 

Danny sighed but did what he was told. After another blinding flash and staying as still as possible Danny looked towards the woman. The camera woman bit her thumb staring at the computer in front of her. “Okay it still was blurry stay there I’m going to take a few at once one of them will turn out good.”

Danny was pretty sure at this point he was going to go blind as he blunk the spots out of his vision from the repeated flashes. Honestly this was getting pretty tiresome already. He walked up to the woman silently praying at least one picture turned out fine. She clicked through the photos face growing more and more confused with each one. “Uh is something wrong?” He asked.

She shook her head. “I’m not sure. Almost all of the photos turned out blurry and the ones that didn’t are weird.” She saw his questioning face. “You’ve heard of red eye right? What happens when you take a picture and sometimes the eyes of the people in the picture show up red? Well I can’t say I’ve seen this version of it in all my years of photography.” She turned the computer to face him more. On the screen it was a photo of him. The area around him was blurred, the only thing in focus was him, almost too in focus, and what really shocked him was his eyes in the photo. His eyes were glowing green in the picture, almost like when you took a picture of a cat in the dark. 

Danny felt like a deer in headlights, what were the chances that she would make the connection of him not being human? The woman just shrugged. “Well it looks like we won’t be able to get a proper photo today. You can use your school photo from last year for your ID for now until retakes in a week.” He let out a sigh, it wasn’t too bad though he didn’t really look much different from the year before. At most he grew two inches. Though it was weird that it happened. He wondered  if it was because of his ghostly half. He didn’t exactly take many or really any photos of himself. Danny walked over to the ID station to explain his situation and hoped that this wasn’t how the rest of the day would go.

During second period it was time for the sophomores to get their health checks done. Though most students were pretty sure it was mostly just an excuse for the local college’s medical students to get some more patient contact hours and hands on practice. This time he did share a class with his friends which was nice. Though it wasn't like they could go into an exam booth together. Calling them booths was a bit of a stretch though really they were just four curtains with equipment to take vitals and a chair inside. There were about a dozen or so lined up in the gym. 

“Daniel Fenton come to booth five please.” A man called stepping out of one of the booths as he pulled a pair of gloves on. 

Danny walked over to said booth and pulled the curtain shut behind him. The man motioned for him to sit down in the chair. Danny obliged and sat down he bounced his leg as he watched the man prepare the equipment. “Alright good morning Danny. I’m Josh, I'll be doing your check up today. It’s just a simple overview of your health no need to be nervous. All I’ll be doing is taking your vitals and checking your reflexes and the sort. Any questions?” 

Danny shook his head. He was nervous though, he couldn’t help it. He had tried his best to avoid any type of medical setting ever since the accident. It would be the first time since then that someone actually took a close look at him. But it would probably be fine right? Not like he would be giving a blood sample here or anything. 

It went fine at first as the man -Josh- checked his reflexes, checked his ears, eyes, nose, and mouth. He then affixed a blood pressure cuff to Danny’s arm and stuck a temperature probe in his mouth. Once the results appeared on the machines screen his head tilted a bit. “You usually run a bit cold? Hm your pulse is a bit slower than average than normal too.”

Danny silently cursed. “Uh yeah that's normal for me.”

“Well as long as it’s within your baseline there’s nothing really to worry about. I’m going to listen to your heart and lungs now okay? The stethoscope is a bit cold so be prepared.” Josh warned. When he started to listen to Danny’s heart he seemed at a loss again. “Give me one second okay? I’ll be right back.” He stood up and walked out through the curtain. Well that probably wasn't a good sign. 

Josh returned a minute later with an older man in tow. “Danny, this is Dr. Bears he’s just going to double check something for me.” 

Danny nodded his head giving the doctor an awkward smile. The doctor pulled out a stethoscope of his own and placed it over Danny’s chest. He seemed to listen for a few seconds before moving onto a different region. He gave a small grunt before motioning Josh over. “It’s faint but he does have a heartbeat.”

“Well I know that. He’s clearly alive, he's going to have a heartbeat Doc.”

Danny laughed awkwardly as he continued to watch the two interact. “Try listening again. You’ll probably have issues with the mitral and tricuspid regions though, even I could barely hear it.” The doctor motioned towards Danny before walking out of the booth.

A few minutes later a bunch of other medical students filled into the tent to try to listen to his heart beat. Danny wasn’t sure how he felt about being a case study for a bunch of med students but as long as they didn’t figure out his secret he wouldn’t worry about it too much. 

By the time the bell rang to signal the end of the period half the college students there had listened to Danny’s chest. After emerging from the booth he was met with confused looks from his friends he waved them off promising to explain it to them later.

By the pattern that was emerging Danny was dreading third period. It was english with Mr. Lancer. After everyone took their seats Mr. Lancer stood in front of the class and clapped his hands to bring the classes attention to him. “Alright  class I hope you all enjoyed your summer break. I have exciting news for this school year. Due to the grant given to our school we now have laptops for you all to use during class.” 

The class broke out in whispers and Danny started to have a bit of hope for the rest of the day. Once the laptop cart was wheeled in and each was assigned and passed out to each student they were instructed to make accounts for them. The moment Danny turned the laptop on it gave him a shock. He let out a yelp and barely managed to restrain himself from knocking the thing off of his desk. He shook his hand trying to dispel the pain. He gave the laptop a hesitant poke, no shock. He started on his task of making an account, but was quickly interrupted by the screen glitching out. Danny groaned, occasionally electronics would bug out around him if he was in a particularly sour mood, of course it had to happen today. He waited for the screen to return to normal before trying to continue. 

He just managed to get the account created when it gave him another shock. He yelled in shock once more. Immediately after the lights flickered and all the laptops in the room shut off and the one in front of him started to smoke. The whole class was staring at him and he shrunk under their gaze. They all had bigger problems though as his laptop caught fire and set off the fire alarms. 

“Great Gatsby! Everyone out of the building now!” Mr. Lancer yelled ushering the teens out and leading them to the parking lot. 

Once Mr. Lancer made sure they were all accounted for Sam elbowed Danny in the ribs. “Nice going Danny.” Danny just put his head in his hands and groaned while Tucker pat him on the back. Why couldn’t he just have a normal life? Or just a normal day for once in his half life.

[82mkl]

a week at the cafe (na jaemin)

a week at the café (na jaemin)

pairing: na jaemin x reader

word count: 2.1k words.

content: fluff

notes: lowercase intended.

day one.

“good afternoon! what’s your order?” “one large americano and a watermelon shake please” you say. “can you add a cheesecake too?” mark adds. “i’ll pay for it this time y/n, but you have to help me pass college.” you chuckle at his words, “sure markie.” you sat down at an empty table waiting to be called. “can you believe we have one week left of summer and then we are officially college students,” mark groans. “i can’t wait to study medicine!” you say sarcastically. “i should have chosen music too,” you frown. he flicks your forehead, “you’re crazy! you’ll be one of the best doctor, i’m sure of it.” before you could reply, mark’s phone rings. “it’s my girlfriend.” you smile at him and say, “tell sab i miss her and i can’t wait to study anatomy with her.” you both laugh and he goes out of the café to answer the call.

seconds later, the barista calls out mark’s name. you look up to the barista and see his gorgeous smile. oh god. “one large americano and watermelon shake for mark?” he asks, smiling at you. you look at his eyes and is easily captivated by the way it sparkles. he lets out a chuckle which makes you go back to your senses. “uh yeah mark, here’s the receipt” you stutter as you show him the receipt. he stamps it and you immediately bring the drinks and go outside to find mark. as he ends the call, you start telling him about your encounter with the cute barista. “oh god, i didn’t even check his pin for his name,” you tell him. “y/n, you can just go back and ask you know?” he tells you. “yeah, but i’m shy.”

day two.

“so, who’s this cute barista you’re crushing on?” jennie asks. “the guy with the most beautiful smile behind the counter.” you tell her as you look at him. “drinks for y/n!” he calls out, and you suddenly panic. “oh god, jennie what do i do?” “get our drinks,” she says obviously. “make sure to ask for his name,” she winks at you. you playfully smack her arm and walk towards the counter. “y/n?” there he goes with his killer smile again. you smile at him and gave him the receipt. “weren’t you mark yesterday?” he asks, and you look at him confusingly. he lets out a chuckle and you suddenly remember that it was mark’s name being called yesterday. “ah, it’s y/n. i’m y/n.” you laugh, and he asks, “so is mark your boyf-“ before he could finish what he was saying, he was called by the manager. “oh sorry, i have to go. see you again tomorrow y/n.” he says and gives you the most beautiful smile you have ever seen.

day three.

“mark, can we wait for jennie before we enter the café?” you ask him. “y/n, i am starving, can we just go?” “no because he thinks you’re my boyfriend. you can’t ruin this chance i have.” “i have a girlfriend!” he laughs at you. “but he doesn’t know that markie!” you whine again. where even is jennie? you thought to yourself. “you look so funny when you crush on someone,” he says as he pats your head, and it just so happens the cute barista suddenly shows up outside the café. what is he even doing outside the café? you both look at each other and he gives you a small wave, and you give him a smile. “hey!” jennie suddenly appears. “you’re late,” you tell her. you look back to where the barista was standing to see him nowhere to be found this time. “can we eat now? y/n didn’t want to enter because the barista thinks we are together,” they both laugh, and you roll your eyes at them. “you know if you just ask his name, he might give you his number too.” jennie tells you. “you are quite obvious with this little crush going on.” mark adds. “we aren’t eating here, let’s go somewhere else,” you tell them as jennie laughs and mark whines.

day four.

you were planning to do advance readings for your class, so you decide to go to the café alone. there are three things you love about that café; the food, the ambience and the cute barista. you order the usual and find a table that is secluded. after a few minutes, you see a shadow going near you and it towers over your book. you look up at the person and saw the cute barista with your order. “i saw you studying so i decided to just give your order, i hope that’s fine with you.” he says as he places your drink and cake on the table. “thank you! that’s so kind of you,” you smile at him. “is that anatomy you’re studying?” he asks, and you give him a nod. “college starts next week and i want to come to class prepared, you know?” you chuckle. “i have anatomy notes, i can share them with you.” “i would love that.” “i’ll bring them tomorrow if you plan on dropping by that is,” he says with a hopeful glint in his eyes. “sure! i plan on studying here for the rest of the days anyway” “okay, see you tomorrow y/n” he says as he leaves. you forgot to ask for his name once again.

day five.

as soon as you enter the café, you see the cute barista standing behind the counter. he gives you a smile and you smile back. you do your usual café routine, and just like yesterday, he gives your order personally. “here are the notes as promised,” he hands out notebooks to you. “thank you! are you perhaps going to take med too?” you ask, and he flashes you with a smile again. his smile is so contagious, you catch yourself smiling whenever he does. “yup! my college starts next week as well.” “oh, won’t you need your notes?” “i’ll just get it back when you’re done using it, no worries,” he tells you. “thank you so much uh- what’s-“ before you could even ask for his name, a girl suddenly pats his shoulder. “reina!!” he says as he hugs her. “you’re finally back!” he tells her, and you could feel your heart dropping. “y/n, i have to go. see you tomorrow?” he asks, and you just give him a smile.

day six.

you enter the café again, alone. you look at the counter, but don’t see the beautiful barista. before you order from the counter, you go to your usual table first to place your things. as you go near, you see the cute barista sitting on your table with your usual drink. “hi, good afternoon!” you greet him. “hey! you finally came, i was waiting for you,” he smiles at you. you felt your cheeks going red, but you remind yourself that he might have a girlfriend already– reina might be his girlfriend. “what are you doing here?” you ask him, and he frowns. “oh, don’t take that in a wrong way, i would love to hang out with you, but don’t you have a shift or something?” you add. he laughs at your flustered self. “i was working here just to cover for my cousin, but she’s back, so i’m free i guess.” cousin? could it be- “see, that’s my cousin over there,” he points to the girl at the counter just like he could read your mind. “oh, reina is your cousin.” you said with a hint of relief. he raises one of his eyebrows, and asks, “did you think we were-“ before he could even continue, you start getting flustered again and he laughs. “you’re cute, you know.” he pats your head, but immediately stops when your phone rings. you look at your phone and saw mark’s name appear. “one sec,” you tell him. you stood up to go outside the house, but before you could even start walking, mark’s girlfriend talks, “hey y/n! i’m sorry i accidentally pressed your name, i was supposed to call mark’s mom. sorry for bothering you!” “ah, it’s fine sab. goodbye!” you say. you come back to your seat and look at the cute boy sitting in front of you. “so, you and mark?” he asks. “we aren’t together. oh god no, never. he has a girlfriend.” you say, all flustered. “you’re cute, have I mentioned that?” you did, you mentally answer. “i was just teasing. i saw mark with his girlfriend come by here during my shifts.” you let out a sigh of relief, but as you check the time, you remember that you have plans with jennie in 5 minutes. “i am so sorry but i have to go!” you tell him as you hurriedly pick up your things. “no worries, goodbye y/n! stay safe!”

day seven.

it’s the last day of summer, so you go back to the café to give the beautiful barista his notes back. it has been seven days, yet you still don’t know his name. you promised yourself that you will ask him this time but to your dismay, he was nowhere to be found in the café. you went up to reina and ask her, “hey! i was wondering if you know where your cousin is?” “he has plans with his family today! come back tomorrow, i’m sure he will drop by,” she tells you and you give her a thank you and left. does the world really hate you? doesn’t it want you to have a love life? is this their way on telling you to just give it up and start anew during college?

first day of college.

“first day of college!” jennie screams. “i’m so nervous and excited!” sab says. “can you believe we are now starting our journey to being doctors,” you tell them. “this feels surreal.” sab says. “what are your first classes?” “i have anatomy, and it starts in 30 minutes. i think i should go find the room. see you at lunch?” you tell them and they nod. you walk to your class and surprisingly you found it almost immediately. you sat at the chair at the middle of the room, and start opening your notes. as you were fixing your things, someone calls your name. “y/n! is that you?” it was the cute barista boy. “oh my god! we go to the same college and we have the same class?” you both laugh. “oh, here are your notebooks! i dropped by the café yesterday, but you weren’t there.” “ah, i’m sorry about that,” he says and you give him a smile. “oh, it’s no problem,” you tell him. you both stare at each other, and you find yourself getting lost in his eyes again until he starts to frown. “y/n, honestly, i am quite disappointed in you,” he tells you and you look at him confusingl. what is he talking about? “i put a note with my number on this notebook i gave you,” he pulls out the sticky note on his notebook, and showed it to you. you were shocked because you did not even notice the sticky note when you went through the notebooks. “i didn-“ he cut you off, “i figured you weren’t interested in me when you didn’t call for days,” he frowns. “i’m sorry, oh god, i didn’t see it.” you stutter. he pouts at you, and you panic. “i think you should make it up to me by going on a date with me,” he says, now giving you a smile. “what?” you say. “i mean, what? did I hear you correctly?” he nods and you can feel your cheeks blushing. is this really happening? you look at his eyes again and smile, “it’s a date then.” before he could reply, the professor arrives. “good morning everyone!” the professor greets, and the class greets back in unison. the boy beside you suddenly gives you a sticky note, you look at him then the sticky note. same café after our class today? you look back at him and nod. he gives you the most beautiful smile again, better than his past smiles if that was even possible. “my name is jaemin by the way.” he whispers, and you freeze. “you’re cute, you know?” he adds as he pats your head and lets out a chuckle before he focuses on the professor again with a smile on his face as you look all flustered.

[writethehousedown]

We've Got Time To Kill, Baby (Kyara) - Zyan

A/N: day two is here! And I decided to go to the Hurt/Comfort route. Don’t worry, it does have a happy ending. Ish. Sideblog is @dollalpaca !

Summary: With their senior year comes the typical question of ‘what are you doing to study afterwards?’ and Kiara is starting to feel stressed out as months pass and she doesn’t have an answer.

TW - anxiety and general self loathing.

When she was in fifth year, Kiara rarely saw the seniors stay through the entire evening, or just appear sometimes - legend had it not even the teachers cared whether you came or not, and sometimes not even them bothered to give classes, unless they were the assigned tutors for the internships.

She hoped and prayed that would be their case, not only because she wanted to spend more time with her friends outside school hours and live her last year to the fullest, but due to the fact that Kiara had no clue whatsoever of what to study after High School, and it was starting to stress her out. Everyone else seemed to have their shit figured out; Priyanka was going to be a primary school teacher, Tynomi would study law, Juice had already begun training for the physical education admission exam, and of course Kyne would go on to be a mechanical engineer - she had the brains for that, she’d be great at it.

As far as options went, Kiara was completely blank - she had no drive for anything, well, she did have a couple hobbies, but none of them were carreers she could pursue in college and excel at. And it’s not like she could take a year off to find out what she could do, in this time and economy? That wasn’t an option. She had to study something, even if it was just a teaching career, she couldn’t waste her time.

Her anxiety looms at the back of her mind everytime another teacher asks what are they going to follow once class ends, sometimes reminiscing when they were barely twelve, trying to get used to High School life, running around the hallways and playing football and voleyball, sometimes breaking windows and fluorescent lights with their games.

Though Kiara remembers those times with fondness, she’d rather not be reminded of it shortly after almost snapping at her own teacher because she has no idea what she’ll do and she’d prefer if he just did his job and taught them about geography.

The bell echoes through the hallways, indicating the start of their second recess and the end of another dreadful class of Spanish. Kiara somehow managed to not bang her head open against the desk everytime the teacher spoke - it’s not that the class it’s boring, it’s just so that she’s painfully mysoginistic and thinks she’s funny when she’s not.

“What did she say about an essay? I zoned out,” Kiara asks, turning to see Rita, who, unsusprisingly so, has all the class written down in her agenda. Rita cocks a brow, and without saying anything lets Kiara take a photo of everything she wrote down. “Thanks, love,” she says, blowing a kiss on her direction.

“Sometimes I think you befriended me just because I let you copy my homework without saying anything,” Rita teases, packing her stuff back into her bag. Kiara gasps, faux offended.

“Hey! You’re more than just an escape goat for when I don’t do homework,” Kiara protests, “with that reasoning, I’m only dating Kyne because she does my math tests for free.”

“The fuck you mean free? I’ve been telling you since last year to pay me in cash or I’ll break up with you,” Kyne butts in the conversation, perching herself against Kiara and Rita’s shared desk with a brow cocked. Kiara rolls her eyes with a sly smile.

“If I take you out for dinner on Friday instead of having you come over and order take out like we always do, will you forget my debts?” She inquires, fluttering her eyelashes and giving her a sneaky smile, knowing fully well she can get away with anything when she looks at Kyne like this. And sure enough, Kyne’s annoyed expression soon is replaced with a grin, accepting the proposal - only if she gets to choose where they’re going.

Rita, knowing she’s third-wheeling, rises from her seat and goes up to Scarlett - who, despite being well over 30°C, brought their set of mate - and strikes up a conversation with them and Priyanka.

Kyne quickly sits where Rita was just moments ago, scooting the chair closer and easily lacing her fingers with Kiara’s, but before they can continue their conversation, Boa and Starzy burst into the room with huge smiles, annoucing loudly that their biology teacher isn’t coming, so they can go home early. There’s a collective sigh of relief, because they had a presentation today and no one actually finished their presentations - well, except for the know-it-alls of the class, that is.

“Anyone wanna go to the park and drink mate?” Scarlett exclaims as they’re leaving, their pink flask poking out from their backpack as she trottes up to meet the girls. It takes about a second for everyone to agree, and even less time to convince the doorman to let them go.

It’s as easy as that - no one cares about what they do anymore, if admittedly half of them are eighteen already, they should know how to take care of themselves. That’s a lie as big as a house, but hey, they get to leave and come to school whenever they feel like it, so they’re not complaining.

It’s barely 5 p.m., and the sun is still shining up in the sky. April is suppossed to be the start of Autumn, but when has Autumn ever existed in the north of Argentina? Perhaps it’s global warming, perhaps it’s that Pachamama just doesn’t want them to get a break from the heat - whatever it is, they find themselves sitting on the grass under a large tree, and sooner than later they sent off the boys to buy something to drink (either alcohol or juice, they’re not complaining) because they’ll be damned if all they have to drink is Scarlett’s scorching hot mates.

“You all are just fucking cowards,” Scarlett says, pulling out their set and preparing themselves another mate.

“Just because you’ve burnt your tongue so many times you’ve lost all ability to feel anything, doesn’t mean we wanna go that same route,” Ilona deadpans, though just a minute later she’s asking Scarlett to prepare her one too.

The conversation flows easily between them, and from time to time they cheer the boys on their improvised game of football (though they do wonder where did they get the ball from on the first place) before laughing when one of them falls to the ground - which is fairly often.

“Sometimes I find it hard to believe that one of these airheads is applying for med school along with me,” Rita comments, sipping on the mate when it’s her turn.

“Wait, what?” Kiara says, turning to look at Rita. “Which one of these dumbasses is applying to med school with you?” She asks, baffled, and Rita proceeds to explain how Samuel had approached her during summer to ask where is she applying for med school, and when he found out they were aiming for the same college, he had decided they had to study together once the applications opened.

Kiara blinks repeatedly, once, twice, until she’s just blankly staring at Rita for a second longer than intended. Before it gets uncomfortable, she makes a quirky joke about being sorry for whoever ends up being Samuel’s patient if he manages to get into med school, and she sighs in relief when they giggle and move on.

It’s not that she doesn’t trust them enough to tell them about the anxiety that bubbles up in her stomach when she thinks about the future, the fear and guilt that consumes her at the thought of being a burden to her parents while she figures out what to do with her life, being one more mouth to feed in such difficult times — it’s just that, she doesn’t want to bother anyone with her feelings, so she keeps it all in, hoping it’ll eventually go away.

They spend almost all evening long together, and Kiara is thankful that they don’t bring up the future again.

***

The sun is setting when they say goodbye, and Kyne insists to walk her home - it’s not unusual for her to do so, if she practically lives in her house, anyway, but as they walk with their hands intertwined, Kiara feels a different air surrounding them. Like a heavy tension.

“Kiki?”

“Hm?”

Kyne comes to a stop, inevitably stopping Kiara too, and gives her a look Kiara is all too familiar with, making her shiver immediately - oh no.

“You’ve been acting weird lately, is everything okay?” She asks softly, tentatively, and Kiara’s heart sinks. Oh no. This isn’t happening.

She knows that technically she can confide Kyne with everything, that she’ll help her as much as she can with anything she needs, because that’s what couples do. But Kyne has always known how her future will be, at which college she’ll go and all she has to do to achieve her dreams. Between the two of them, she’s the one with more clarity, so getting her to understand her problems would take a lot of words and emotions Kiara isn’t quite ready to unveil.

So she plasters on a smile and nods curtly.

“Everything’s great. I’m good,” she lies through gritted teeth, but Kyne can clearly see through her facade, cocking a skeptical brow as soon as the words leave Kiara’s mouth.

Kyne squeezes her hand, coming closer to her. “You’re a terrible liar,” she says, smiling gently. “If we buy bizcochos on our way to your house, and we eat them on your garden, would that cheer you up?” She offers, making Kiara smile. It’s such a silly, tiny thing, but Kyne knows it always cheers her up, so she accepts, and they roam around the town to get to the only bakery that bakes tasty bizcochos, in Kiara’s opinion.

They barely speak, because Kyne knows to not push Kiara to speak when she doesn’t want to, and right now there’s not much Kiara can say without getting choked up.

It’s significantly darker when they arrive to Kiara’s house, and, naturally, her parents haven’t arrived yet from their jobs, and her little siblings are fighting for the remote - Kyne says hi to Marisa and Alan before they sneak off to Kiara’s room to get changed from their sweaty uniforms.

They settle on Kiara’s little garden, her mother’s pride and joy when Kiara was a child, when life was easier and she wasn’t so self-conscious about the economical crisis going on and money wasn’t as tight. Sometimes, just sitting there and eating any type of snack brings her memories of planting all kinds of flowers with her mother once spring arrived - carrying with it warmer days, flowers in bloom and the need to use mosquito repelent almost all day long.

She’d do everything to go back to those days.

It seems that her yearning shows through her expression, because Kyne silently takes her hand again, stroking the back as she nibbles on her bizcocho, her gaze absent-mindlessly wandering around. Kiara gives a heavy sigh before she speaks.

“I have no idea what I’ll do with my life,” she admits in a whisper, Kyne turns to see her almost immediately, giving her hand another squeeze, prompting her to go on. “Everyone has their shit figured out when it comes to their future, and I just— I don’t know yet. I don’t know what I’ll study, if I’ll study, if I’m just going to get a dead-end retail job to independize myself; I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll ever know. And it’s starting to stress me out.” Kiara rubs her eyelids with her free hand, sighing in exasperation.

“Not everyone has their shit figured out, Kiki, that’s not true,” Kyne says after a moment of silence, and Kiara rolls her eyes slightly, but Kyne continues before she can say anything. “Really, who has anything figured out? We’re seventeen, living in a thirld world country with an economical crisis that never really leaves. It’s a lot of pressure.”

Kiara lets a half-hearted laugh at Kyne’s comment; of course she always knows what to say, how to read her between the lines.

“But you do have your shit figured out, you’ve said you’ll be an engineer since we were thirteen. Haven’t you already applied for the scholarship at UNSTA?” She asks, trying to prove a point, but Kyne chews on her lower lip and looks away briefly.

“No, not really. I don’t even know if I’ll be an engineer anymore.”

Oh.

Kiara frowns slightly, tilting her head to give Kyne a better look. “You don’t?” She says softly, wondering if she heard wrong. But Kyne nods slowly, much to Kiara’s surprise.

“I just… I don’t feel like my heart’s in it, you know? And my dad always says I shouldn’t study something that doesn’t make me happy, because I’ll either do nothing with it or end up dropping out,” she explains, and now it’s Kiara the one that squeezes her hand as a comforting gesture.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve—” she stops mid-sentence when Kyne turns to look at her, a brow slightly cocked. “Oh,” she muses when it hits her why she kept this to herself. She didn’t want to bother anyone.

Just like Kiara didn’t want to bother anyone with her own feelings.

She blinks repeatedly, before she manages to say something. “I guess we’re on the same boat.”

“Yeah.” Kyne shifts slightly, until she’s facing Kiara. “And, y’know, we could, like, work together to get on a different boat. A nicer one,” she proposes, smiling gently. Kiara returns the smile, breathing in deeply.

“I think we can, yeah,” she breathes out, fidgetting with Kyne’s fingers, chuckling bitterly. “God, we’re seventeen, we should be worrying about what party are we gonna crash this weekend, not— not what if we fail in life once High School is over,” Kiara grumbles, and Kyne giggles shortly. “We’re such idiots, too - I should’ve probably told you sooner, it would’ve made things easier.”

Kyne clicks her tongue, scooting herself closer and planting a chaste kiss on Kiara’s lips.

“Yes, probably, but you know us; we’re the bests at being uncapable to talk about emotions and keeping things a secret. No wonder why it took so long forus to get actually together,” she jokes, making Kiara laugh shortly. Her gaze becomes softer, lacing her fingers with Kiara’s as she sighs. “I still want you to promise me you’ll tell me when something is bothering you, yeah? You can always tell me anything,” Kyne says earnestly, and Kiara wonders what did she do to deserve such an amazing girlfriend.

“I promise,” she says, “For example, now I feel like these are enough feelings for one day, and I’ll much rather prefer if we went back to eating bizcochos before I cry.” Her upbeat tone makes Kyne laugh, but she still pulls her closer and steals a quick kiss from her, resting her arms on her waist.

“Whatever you say, babe.”

tags: argentina hs au, hurt/comfort

[olyia-stories]

A response to @teasockschocolate ‘s AU about the soulmate AUs in the PJO universe. Since this is a companion piece it doesn’t matter which one you read first, but make sure to check out @teasockschocolate and @demigodsanswer out.

Annabeth hated soulmates.

Ever since her dad met his, Annabeth’s life had just gotten worse. Admittedly, she and her dad hadn’t been particularly familyish, but it had been the two of them. He used to let her fall asleep in his arms while he worked on his thesis paper, he took her out for icecream in the park after his classes, and he would ask her opinion on which human models to put on his battle of the Somme replica. They had been fine on their own. They didn’t need Lori.

The only reason her dad even liked Lori was because the first thing she said to him was written on his arm. And not in the “he tattooed it on because he loved her” thing, but because it was a silly soulmate mark. Annabeth just couldn’t understand why her analytical father would rely on a process for choosing who he loved as flimsy as “the universe decided for us.” And clearly, the universe got it wrong. Lori was awful.

All Lori ever did was complain about everything Annabeth ever did: “Frederick, tell Annabeth to stop playing “science” in the living room.” “Frederick, tell Annabeth to stop drawing on herself.” “Frederick, tell Annabeth to go to sleep.” “Frederick, if you don’t tell Annabeth to stop getting out of bed, I will.” Lori only saw Annabeth as a stain that needed covering up.

Then the monsters started attacking. Of course, they were attacking because Annabeth was a half-blood, but it’s not like she wanted them to come. But Lori blamed her.

“There must be something you can do,” Lori was talking to Annabeth’s dad. Annabeth should have been asleep, but the spiders were too much for her. Lori went on, “Don’t look so shocked, I know you tried to get her mother to take her back, all I’m saying is that maybe someone more like her could take her off our hands.” Annabeth stood very still, she had not known that her dad had tried to get rid of her, she thought he loved her.

“Lori, I don’t know what to do, Athena sai-“

“Athena isn’t here!” Lori cut Annabeth’s father off. “Even Athena didn’t want that girl. I think it would be best for our boys if we found a new living arrangement for Annabeth.” Annabeth didn’t wait around for her father’s response; she knew he would give in he always gave in to Lori.

Annabeth was not going to give Lori the pleasure of sending her away, and she didn’t want to live a moment more under the same roof as her stepmother. Annabeth decided to leave.

She didn’t know where she would go, so Annabeth wanted to be prepared. She grabbed a marker and made a packing list on her arm. With the list on her arm, she quickly packed her backpack. She pulled on a hoodie and snuck out her bedroom window. It was on the second floor, but the window opened onto the porch roof and from there she shimmied down the gutter. And just like that, Annabeth was free.

--

“Child, in order to be a successful demigod you must be skilled in a wide-range of activities.” Chiron studied Annabeth from where he stood on the porch. Annabeth had come to complain. She didn’t understand why the camp made them climb lava walls, and swing swords at straw dummies. She just wanted to spend time in the Athena cabin’s library. She had never seen so many books, and she wanted to read them all.

“But Chiron, knowledge is power! Therefore, I should spend my time learning as much as I can.”

“Ah but knowledge is power; you must learn as much as you can, which includes being knowledgeable in fighting and survival tactics. Now I believe your cabin is going to the forge for arts and crafts, you should hurry along.” Annabeth thought about what the centaur had said while she walked to the forge. She decided She would start by learning archery. She wrote it on her hand, so she would remember to ask her siblings to teach her later. For now, she was going to create a masterpiece.

--

Annabeth lived year-round at camp, so she had independent lessons during the school year. Chiron trusted her siblings to educate her, but they quickly realized that she was capable of teaching herself so long as she had the right books. So, they let her alone. Annabeth would read, and write notebooks full of her discoveries, and when she came up on things she wanted to study further she would write a note on her arm to look it up later.

--

Finally, she met him. The person she had been waiting years for. This boy was who Chiron had told her about. He was going to take her on a quest. Well, he would once he stopped drooling in the med ward.

Percy Jackson would get a quest; Annabeth was sure of it. He was the son of Poseidon, one of the major gods, that was the deal. Chiron told her she would go with him on a quest. She HAD to go with him.

So, when Percy was taken to the big house she was right behind him. She had on her magic Yankee’s hat, a gift from her mother when she made it to camp the hat made the wearer invisible. She listened to Chiron explain to Percy the war brewing among the gods. She watched Percy enter the big house and listened for his footsteps recede up the stairs before she took off her cap.

“Blah ha ha!” Grover yelped. “You can’t sneak up like that Annabeth! You’ll give me a heart attack!”

Chiron sighed, “I suppose you were listening to all of that?”

“Yes,” she respected Chiron too much to lie to him. “I want to go on this quest.”

“Annabeth, you know that it’s Percy’s right to choose his companions,” Annabeth was in the middle of formulating a convincing argument when Chiron added, “But, I will tell Percy that you have volunteered to go, and if he wants to choose you, you may go. Child it will be dangerous, and I would rather both of you would stay at camp and train. I fear, however, that peace will only return to the Olympians when the bolt is returned. The quest must happen.”

Annabeth nodded. Satisfied with Chiron’s promise she waited for Percy to come back down. She was going on a quest

--

Annabeth still didn’t regret volunteering for the quest. It quickly went up, down and sideways and veered left from there. They have so far blown up a bus, wrecked a statue garden, ruined a national landmark, almost died by mechanical spider, and now they were heading south in the smelliest truck on the highway.

The animal fumes must have gotten to Annabeth because she found herself talking to Percy about her dad. She plucked at her dad’s college ring as she talked. “I guess my dad never really wanted me. He met Athena while he was working his way through grad school. She admired his dedication and helped him develop his thesis. To reward him, she pulled me out of her thoughts. He wanted her to take me back. But he took care of me. Once he met his soulmate, Lori, he decided he didn’t want me.” Annabeth glued her eyes to the ground. She found it easy to talk to Percy, but she couldn’t look at him and tell him what had eaten at her heart since Lori said those stupid soulmate words. “He had her and then they had their kids and they were that meant-to-be family. I was just in the way from them being perfect.” Annabeth stopped. She needed to collect herself, she hadn’t talked about her dad in years.

“I’m sorry.” Just two little words, and yet they made her heart soar. Percy put so much emotion into his voice, it was clear that he had experience with family issues. “My mom had a soulmate, but I don’t know who it was. It’s not my stepdad, that’s for sure. I think it could’ve been my dad.”

“Gods don’t soulbond.” How could he believe in soulmates when his mom had to put up with his stepdad? Poseidon couldn’t have been his mom’s soulmate. She winced, “sorry, that was mean.” She hadn’t meant to be rude, but she struggled to be anything but critical about the soulbond.

Percy shrugged, “S’fine. It’s true.”

Annabeth thought for a second, then asked. “What about you?”

“What?”

“Do you have a soulmate?”

Percy clutched at his wrist. “Yeah, I do.”

Annabeth wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but this confession still surprised her. She looked into his eyes and asked, “Really?”

“Do you?”

“No.” at least, she never thought enough about soulmate marks to check. “What’s your mark? Do you know your soulmate?” Annabeth didn’t know why she wanted to know, she just had to learn all she could.

“Uh,” a blush crept up his face. “it’s a writing one and no. I’ve, uh, never talked to her.”

“Why not?” If it had been Annabeth, she would have found out who it was. Even if she didn’t believe in soulmates, having someone you can communicate with without speaking or technology, that could be useful.

Percy shrugged, “I don’t know…”

“You should.”

“Maybe someday. I’ve got enough going on now.”

“That’s true.” She paused, then added, “I think soulmates are pretty dumb.”

He gave her a strange look. “Why?”

She felt his defenses rise. “Believe in them all you want. But wouldn’t you rather choose who you be with? The universe shows you one person and that’s it. And isn’t it doomed to fail? The expectation of who someone wants their soulmate to be is always going to be so big that they’ll never live up to it. It’s just setting both of them up to be disappointed.” She had thought this argument through more than once.

“But it’s the one person that the universe is saying is perfect for you. I think that’s pretty amazing.”

Annabeth knew she wasn’t going to change his opinion. “Good luck. I’ve never seen a soulbond work out.” Feeling like her last sentence was a bit gruff she offered, “I don’t mean to… discourage you.”

He raised an eyebrow. “I mean, that doesn’t encourage me.”

She knew it, she had let her bitterness show. “Maybe the people I’ve seen just haven’t cared as much about it. You haven’t given up.”

He smiled. “I’ll make sure mine works. Even if it’s just so you can be wrong about something.”

--

Annabeth didn’t think much about that night on the zoo truck. The summer passed, and the school year came. She decided to try living with her dad again. She studied like she was back at camp, writing notes on her arm, reminders, and doodling to pass the time in class.

San Francisco felt calmer than when she was little. Her dad’s house felt normal. No monster attacks at first, but Annabeth couldn’t help but feel on edge. She was just waiting for the bubble to pop.

She was in her Algebra class when she felt it, a burning sensation on her left palm. It felt like she was bitten by a spider. Annabeth yelped. The classmates gave her a weird look, but that was normal. She was the only seventh grader in a high school class.

Annabeth looked down at her hand and saw a little blue dot on her palm. It looked like a pen mark, but Annabeth hadn’t put it there. Annabeth thought back to the summer, when she had shared a hay-filled ride with Percy, and he had shared what his soulmate mark was with her.

Annabeth couldn’t be sure, but perhaps she did have a soulmate. She needed more evidence; a stray pen mark didn’t prove anything.

Perhaps she should pay Percy a visit.

--

Getting up to Percy’s fire escape was the easy part. Calculating which window was his based on the outside of the building was more difficult. Annabeth climbed the fire escape ladder and peaked into his window, she had her Yankee’s hat on, so he wouldn’t see her watching. She had to know.

Annabeth pulled the cap off her pen and drew a little flower on her arm, while she drew, she watched Percy’s arm. There it was, her little four petaled flower. She smiled. Why did this knowledge make her happy? Percy was her best friend, but she didn’t like him like that… did she?

--

Stupid! Annabeth that was stupid! Why did she charge the manticore? All she had on her was her Yankee’s hat and her dagger, and she jumped a monster. She should have known better, but when she left the gymnasium and saw Percy there. His shield up and his sword out, she knew in that moment that if anything happened to Percy, she would never forgive herself. She did the only thing she could and distracted the manticore. She didn’t realize that he would simply take her. That Luke wanted her, but he didn’t want her like Annabeth had always hoped. He was using her as bait. She was how he would catch a goddess.

Annabeth needed a plan. But she could barely breath, let alone think. The weight of the sky was literally threatening to crash down on her, and all she could do was kneel under the pressure and hope Luke would come to his senses. She felt a prickling on her arm, when she looked the words were written out in red pen, “We’re coming.” Her arms surged with strength. Suddenly the weight of the world felt lighter. She knew who that was writing on her arm. Percy knew she was alive. He was coming for her. She wouldn’t give up. She couldn’t.

--

Annabeth knew Percy was in trouble from two blocks away. She could see the smoke billowing up from Goode high school. Annabeth and Percy were supposed to go on a date to the movies, she had taken the LIR from camp into the city that morning to meet Percy after his high school orientation.

Unfortunately, plans were void whenever Percy was around. She saw the smoke and hurried up the block just in time to see Percy jump out onto the street from a window, followed by a red-haired girl. She had freckles everywhere, and paint stains on her clothes. Annabeth wondered who she was while she watched the girl pull a marker out of her back pocket and felt the tingling sensation as the girl wrote her number on Percy’s arm, and Annabeth’s right arm copied it.

She stared dumbfounded at Percy, before turning on her heel and leaving the red-haired girl behind. She hailed a cab and waited for Percy to catch up. She crossed her arms, hoping to hide the thick black numbers. The cab came. They sat in silence.

How could she be so stupid. Soulbonds never worked out. She was a fool for thinking maybe they could overcome all the evidence she had collected saying otherwise.

Percy cleared his throat. “Could I… call my mom?” right, she had probably heard about the fire, his mom would be worried. Annabeth wished she had someone to worry over her. She fished her phone out of her pocket, careful to keep her right arm at her side. He quickly finished the call and handed Annabeth her phone. She again kept her arm close to her side. “Cold?” His voiced broke through her thoughts.

“What?”

“Just… since you’re…” He gestured to her folded arms.

She had hoped to quickly pass the cab ride in silence. “No.” she answered truthfully, hoping to stop the conversation there.

“Oh.” Percy continued. “I, uh, have a jacket in my backpack if you want.”

“No.” she couldn’t let him see the stupid number on her arm, and she didn’t want to talk to him. She turned towards the window and watched the familiar landscape of Long Island to take shape.

As soon as they got to camp she ran to her cabin. And pulled on a sweatshirt. She only hoped the marks would soon be gone, and that she hadn’t been too obvious.

--

The mountain exploded behind Annabeth. She didn’t let herself cry. Percy was a powerful demigod, and resourceful, and just plain lucky. He would make it out. She was sure.

She made it back to camp on her own. Hoping the whole way that Percy had beat her there. But no one had seen him. She tried not to notice her friends giving her pitying looks and hoped every day to see her seaweed brain crest the hill or walk out of the ocean. It got harder to hope as the weeks came and went. Annabeth pretended she was fine. She led her cabin through their activities always glancing towards the ocean, hoping to be the first to spot him. He didn’t show up.

The day with its tasks kept her mind busy, but the night was hard. She couldn’t sleep. She tossed and turned, trying to make a plan that would bring Percy home. She decided to write him a note. She put the pen to her hand and tried to think of what to say. But everything she wanted to write down seemed to swirl in her head. She instead wrote, “Hello?” That’s as far as she got before she couldn’t see with the tears welling in her eyes.

Two weeks passed, and still no word. Chiron decided to hold Percy’s memorial, to send him off properly. Annabeth stood at the fire pit and put the green silk cloth on the flames. She choked on the words, “He was probably the bravest friend I’ve ever had.” And the stupidest, “He…” she looked up at that moment and saw the impossible. What she had been waiting to see for weeks. “He’s right there!”

Annabeth vaulted up the amphitheater steps. And hugged him tight. He was alive!

--

It was August eighteenth. Percy’s birthday. Annabeth paused for only a second before writing out on her arm, ”Happy birthday.” She knew who was on the other end of this connection now, and she didn’t care about her data that said otherwise. She wanted Percy to know, she wanted them to work out.

“Thanks.” Was all he replied, and somehow that was all she needed. She couldn’t wait to see him again; they were going to make it through together.

--

Annabeth couldn’t believe this boy! How could she have ever liked him. They were standing near the tetherball court. She couldn’t believe he wanted to talk to her about his mortal friend Rachel. Sure, last summer she’d been helpful in the Labyrinth but that didn’t mean that she and Annabeth were friends. “What do you want me to say?” he seemed to put a lot of trust in this Rachel girl. How could he be so ignorant. She was a mortal, mortals don’t have visions. And besides he was just using this as an excuse to run away. She looked him in the eyes and spat out what she was thinking. “You’re a coward, Percy Jackson!”

Why had he never said anything. She was certain he knew, and their world could end any second. Beckendorf was proof of that. Why couldn’t he just talk to her! Why did every conversation turn into a shouting match? Why did she open her heart and let him in, when she knew that soulbonds never work. She couldn’t look at his green eyes anymore, she stormed away towards the strawberries, giving the tetherball a good whack as she passed it.

--

The war was over. They had won! And Rachel was now the new camp oracle. More importantly, Percy had turned down immortality. She was sure. She wanted to him to be her soulmate. She found him in the pavilion, lost in thought. She got out a pen and wrote out, “Hey.” He looked down at his wrist, then turned around to find her.

“Hey.” He had a little grin on his face, she smiled in return.

“Happy birthday.”

“What?” he looked puzzled.

she silently cursed herself, did she get the day wrong? “It’s August 18, You’re birthday, right?”

He nodded, and she let a breath out, she offered him the misshapen lump of birthday cake. It was delicious.

After a few minutes she couldn’t keep herself from asking what had been on her mind all summer. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“About what?” Annabeth couldn’t look at him, she was too scared. “I… I didn’t know for sure. If I was yours. And then last year… There was just so much else going on.”

Annabeth finally looked at him, she softly said, “I know, I thought I didn’t have one. I mean, I wrote on myself all the time when I was little.”

“I know,” he laughed, “I thought I was going crazy.”

“Why didn’t you write back?” She had to know. “When you said you had one… I thought it was someone else.” She didn’t say all that she was thinking, that she had hoped he didn’t have one, that she had liked him even all those years ago in that truck.

“I didn’t know what to say. But no, it was always just you.” Those words, the same way she had felt. Now she knew, Annabeth through away her caution and kissed him. He tasted like salt.

**Edit: I read the original fanfic on @demigodsanswer‘s blog but the AU “Whatever Souls are Made of” is by @teasockschocolate

[gl0wupdiaries]

Novena for the Month of May

My grandmother was born on the 25th of August 1937. She grew up with five other siblings (she is second to the eldest), all of which are female, to a Spanish mother and an Ilocano father. She lived a simple childhood in their town, and like any other typical Filipino child during her time, one of her earliest memories was when she managed to place her right hand over her left ear, which meant that she finally qualified for elementary school. There she would learn how to sew, knit, garden, manage poultry, and many more. 

A picture of a brusque lady, Norma is usually seen playing a competitive game of softball in the muddy fields of her hometown—wearing her bloomers, and is often picking fights with the boys in her class, like that one time when she punched an aviation officer’s son during recess for making fun of her elder sister. Leaving a reddish and swollen mark on his nose, my grandmother got called to the principal’s office, forced to explain herself in front of the aviation officer after her incident with his son. In a coy and mischievous manner, my grandmother, who was then 10 years old, explained that his son was simply wrong for assuming that he can make fun of anyone he likes just because his father is in position—and that the school doesn’t need students like him. Putting the aviation officer to shame, my grandmother was punished for her disrespectful act by receiving more homework and schoolwork than the rest of the kids for a week.  

She always looked forward to her math classes, enjoying the challenge that it gave her, and would often compete with her sisters at night to see who would finish their maths homework the fastest. Under the warm light of their lampara, they fought, laughed, and pestered each other as their mother watched them while waiting for their father to come home for dinner. Living most of her childhood years under the Japanese occupation, most nights for her and her family consisted of dimmed lights, quiet conversations, and tightly shut doors and windows, fearing that they might be seen and located by the Japanese soldiers. Her father, often wary and vigilant, slept near their house entrance, in case intruders try to come in.

She lived in a simple bungalow. The outside façade of their house was full of herbs, plants, and flowers that her mother grew, they had a basement containing pigs and poultry for their livelihood, and their main house consisted of two bedrooms for her parents and her sisters, a living room, and a kitchen. She would often recall the homeliest part of her childhood home: the kitchen. There, she spent most afternoons with her mother, who was frequently sick, learning about Kapampangan dishes, house chores, and life lessons. She distinctly remembers the short bamboo poles placed at a corner of their kitchen, where their glasses were placed for drying.  

Growing up, she looked up to her grandfather, Tatang Kiko, and would always visit him in his home after school. He is frequently seen riding his kalabaw with a wooden cart attached to its back, which they called gareta, containing fruits and vegetables that he harvested as a farmer and sells on the market located at the heart of their town, or bayan. He was kind to her, giving her apples, mangosteens, and even tomatoes to bring home for her sisters, taught her majority of what she knows about gardening today, and even showed her the proper way to ride a kalabaw. Almost every day, during her elementary and early high school days, she would visit her Tatang Kiko, and would enjoy his company and humor. She found a sense of comfort with his presence, a feeling that she had a difficult time finding in her own home, because of the tension within her family caused by her mother’s sickness and their poverty-stricken life. 

One hot summer in the month of March, when the camachile (Manila tamarind) trees were in full season and being picked by the local children of Floridablanca, my grandmother was on her way to visit her Tatang Kiko after a long day in school. Taking her usual route in the sandy roads of their baranggay, one of the local vendors of their market ran towards my grandmother, bringing with her devastating news. Her Tatang Kiko was on his way home from a kaningin session with his friend; he was seated at the trunk of his friend’s truck filled with sugarcane. As it passed by the rocky portion of the mountain, he fell out of the truck. His friend, still clueless, continued to drive his truck, not knowing that he ran over Tatang Kiko. 

My grandmother, crying, dropped all her stuff on the ground and ran as fast as she could to her Tatang Kiko. Not once did she stop to catch her breath; she kept running until her heels and ankles developed calluses. She reached the mountain, and there, she was faced with his dead body, his white shirt covered in blood and his lifeless eyes staring at nowhere. Holding her Tatang Kiko with her bloodied hands, my grandmother lost one of the most important people in her life within an instant. Screaming for help, not once did she let go of her grandfather, crying in his arms. She went home without any fruits and vegetables that day.

In the early 1950s’, my grandmother met my grandfather, who was then a Liberal Arts major, and my grandmother a fourth-year high school student. She met my grandfather while he was on vacation in her hometown at his brother’s house. My grandfather courted my grandmother for about a year. Within those days, they enjoyed their afternoons together, picking camachiles, mangoes, and whatever is in season, and had those for their merienda. Sometimes my grandfather would let my grandmother sit at the back of his bicycle as they explored the town, going to places such as the palakol river, this place called “Riverside”, and many more. At the end of the day, my grandfather would escort my grandmother home, oftentimes receiving stern looks from my great grandfather, something that my grandmother laughs a lot about now. 

My grandfather lived in a large house together with his three other siblings: the eldest brother a priest, his second brother a pre-med student, and his youngest sister an elementary student, who will later on become a nun. My grandmother always talks about the big foyer in my grandfather’s childhood home, and how beautiful it was; it had huge black and white marble tiles, large windows, tall white walls, and beautiful antique furniture. There, my grandfather would often play the violin, accompanied by his second to the eldest brother who plays the piano. My grandfather’s family was influential during that time, because his brother was a priest, which was deemed as a high status and position back then. 

My grandmother wasn’t able to go to college because her parents couldn’t afford then, and so she went to beauty school, which proved more affordable. After she and my grandfather finished their studies, they got married and had four children. They lived a simple life, moving from town to town, until they finally settled down in a small city by the bay. There, they bought a big empty lot in a small barangay for 10,000 pesos and built their home there. Throughout the years, they both worked hard--my grandmother as a government employee, and my grandfather as a Base employee--in order to sustain their four children. Soon enough, all of their four children graduated college and started their own lives.

When I was born, I lived in my grandparents’ house until I was five. Back when I was two, my grandfather died because of gastric cancer, and left my grandmother devastated and depressed. During those years, I spent most of my days with my grandmother, because my mother had to work. She wasn’t loving, nor was she sweet and soft spoken, she was short-tempered, and would often shout at me and my cousins whenever we’re playing at her garden, saying that if we ruin any of her flowers, she’ll spank us and send us home. I used to not like her because of how different she was from my mother who was gentle and nurturing. As a kid, I often dreaded it when I had to visit her, because all she did was scold me and my mother. But as I got older, I started to understand her more, over and beyond her harsh external. 

She is very religious, as most of our grandparents are, and goes to church every morning, much less nowadays due to her weakening health. Sometimes she gets a bit vocal, especially to our housekeeper and other people serving us. She has the habit of insulting them—her intentions are good, but she has a harsh way of showing it. She cooks a lot of kapampangan dishes too, that’s why I never leave the house with an empty stomach. One time, I asked her why she makes such a big fuss about what meals are going to be prepared for the day, and her answer was simple and short: “I don’t want my family eating bad food, because it’s bad for the soul.” Despite us two not getting along most of the time, there are times where she makes me realize things too.  

One evening in May, as I was reading a novel in our living room; my grandmother approached me and asked “Marunong ka ba mag basa ng Tagalog?” (Do you know how to read Tagalog?) And I told her that I can. I asked her why, she walked towards me and said “basahin mo yan,” (read that,) as she placed a small booklet on our coffee table. When she left the room, I took a look at what she placed on the table; it says: Novena ng Santa Rita (Novena of Saint Rita). She is a devotee, and even offered her house once as a place for the almost five foot tall Santa Rita relic. It made me laugh at first, but then I realized that I’ve read lots of books, but I have never really taken the time to read anything about my religion, regardless if I believe it or not.

A few weeks after that evening, my grandmother was sent to the hospital because of a major blood infection. She was straddling life and death, and the doctors weren’t sure if she’d survive. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry and that I’m ready to listen to and bond with her. And as I recall that short-lived connection that we had in the living room, I felt regret; I should have asked her what that novena was about, why she’s so attached to our religion, what she feels whenever she prays—all these questions that I never bothered to ask because of my closed mind.

She survived that hurdle and is enjoying her life at 83 now. Though she isn’t as sharp as she used to be, she is still the strong woman that she was when she punched that boy in her class. This is the story of how I got to know my grandmother, not only as the person that I see in the kitchen, but as the strong figure that keeps our family together, and a role model that I will forever look up to. 

Nowadays, I talk to her about stories from when she was young—the stories that I have written here—and spend as much time with her as I can. Sometimes, I would join her in the kitchen and help her with her work. And I stayed, no matter how harsh her criticisms may be. And on rare occasions, I join her in her praying rituals too, without sulking. 

[fratboykate]

(1/2) Hi! Thought I'd chime in on your med school question (I'm a rising second-year med student). For med schools in the US, there's a lot of variation in terms of teaching style/curriculum, but for my school & most of the ones I interviewed at at least, we don't tend to have assignments "due" in med school-- it's more like we attend lectures, work on problem sets in small-group classes, etc. for the sake of doing well on exams and being prepared for clinical rotations, but homework isn't [...]

really a thing. For us first-year, we just had a summer reading book that we had to finish before the first month of classes and write a short reflection on, but this was due a few weeks into classes and wasn't graded (we got feedback, but most med schools also are pass/fail now). We had an optional online "primer" for one of our first classes that we could review over the summer before classes started to refresh our memory on the subject, but yeah nothing was due. Hope this helps!!

---

Yes! This is great info. Appreciate it very much. Thank you

[haikumomentsandinspiration]

#healthcarevacation, Part III

My last update was on August 25, 2018. So much has happened since then, so there will be at least two more parts to this documentation. If you missed earlier updates, you can read Part I here and Part II here. 

First of all, I did come up with a tattoo idea (see my last update) and got one last summer. I had had a challenging spring term in the 2018-2019 school year, and needed to remind myself who I am and what I’m about. So I went to my tattoo artist and asked her to design ”a badass mermaid” for me. A siren that’s feminine and strong (not a skinny blonde mermaid, please!), a siren who looks like she is ready to kick some ass if need be—soft, with hard edges.

And I got just that, along with a tattoo on the side of my belly of a fertility symbol from traditional Turkish kilim patterns.

But let me back up.

After August 2018, after a ton of research, we decided to go with donor egg IVF in Spain. Our patient coordinator at the clinic we chose was lovely and super communicative. She was available via WhatsApp anytime I had a question or anxiety or both, and made sure I knew what the next steps would be and when. I felt well cared for.

During my winter break, I flew to Spain soon before our donor’s egg retrieval to start the treatment. I flew into Barcelona to give myself some time in my favorite city before flying to Valencia. I had a cold right before my trip, and in Barcelona, I started feeling like my cold may in fact be a sinus infection. I was miserable. I managed to go outside, get some fresh ginger, some lemon ginger tea, cough drops, and congestion meds. I needed to get better...STAT.

Two days later, on the day I was to fly to Valencia in the evening and meet Gene at the airport there, I woke up to the news Gene couldn’t fly out to join me that day because his passport wasn’t good for at least 6 months. (Being Turkish, I wondered if someone had “cast the evil eye” on us.) Eventually, Gene was able to miraculously take care of all the paperwork, get an emergency passport renewal, and catch the same exact flight to VLC 24 hours later.

The day after G’s arrival, we took a bus to Gandía for our first appointment at Irema clinic. My uterine lining was still a bit too thin, so they upped my meds, but told me not to worry since I still had a week before the scheduled transfer day. That evening, Gene and I flew to Barcelona to boost morale before the transfer. I was feeling slightly better, but Gene ended up catching my cold. Sigh. Things were just not going as smoothly as I had hoped.

A week later, we headed back to Valencia and then to Irema clinic for my second scan. My lining was still too thin, but other than its thickness, it was looking exactly as it should. They doubled my estrogen dose and postponed my transfer date. I went to the market the next day and shopped for food with a focus on thickening my lining: nuts, avocados, olives, apricots, sardines, chicken broth…My third scan, on December 31, showed my lining was almost there (7.7 mm, with the goal being at least 8 mm thick, so we set the transfer date for January 7. Things were looking up, except I got sick with another cold while still not 100% over the first one, and spent New Year’s Day sick in bed.

Gene left for SF two days later. That he had to go back before transfer day was hard for me. I sent him updates via WhatsApp along the way and tried to stay connected as much as possible (this was a major challenge for me and really got me down). I found an acupuncturist of zero reputation (someone working from home and with no reviews anywhere, which was not unusual in Valencia), but who was very sweet and kind and seemed to know what he was doing, and started seeing him to get my body as ready as possible for the transfer. We had three good quality embryos from our donor, and after much discussion and research, we decided to transfer just one this time, and save two for later for a second attempt or for a sibling later on.

The day before my transfer day, I walked about an hour to the beach, prayed, meditated, and communed with the sea, wishing for a positive outcome the next day. The next day, I found out the embryo we were going to transfer was classified as an A-quality embryo, and my lining was just fine. Transfer was quick and painless, with an all-women team. I went to get fertility acupuncture next to seal the deal, and the next morning, I flew back to San Francisco hopeful, ready for this to finally work.

It didn’t.

But it wasn’t even that simple. The first blood test, my levels came back really low: technically pregnant, but disconcerting if I were indeed pregnant. I was to go back 48 hours later to see if my levels doubled as they were supposed to; we held onto the sliver of hope. But no. Negative. I couldn’t feel the sadness at first — Gene had just started a new job that day after a long stretch of unemployment, so we were celebrating and grateful. Then, a couple of days later, the emotions hit. I felt distant, quiet, impatient...and in need of a new tattoo.

And that’s how the badass mermaid/fertility design tattoos were born.

Fast forward to the summer. After a brief visit to Israel for my grandmother’s 90th birthday, and a week in Istanbul next, I flew back to visit Irema clinic in Spain for the transfer of remaining embryos.

In the meantime, our awesome patient coordinator Lauren had quit her job (some internal drama, which made it sound like she made the absolute right choice). I only found out when I contacted her in preparation for the summer’s transfer to find out what our next steps should be, and had someone named Sergio respond to my text instead of Lauren. He was terrible at communication and not half as knowledgeable as Lauren. It was a very frustrating period, but we had no choice since we still had embryos at the clinic.

July 3, 2019: transfer day! We had decided to transfer both of the remaining embryos this time. We really wanted twins, and if only one took, that was fine, too. We’d figure out what to do about a sibling later. I wasn’t sick this time. I had been upgraded to business class last minute for no apparent reason on my flight over. My lining was where it was supposed to be from the start, and we had two embryos this time. Everything was going smoothly. My sister Rina joined me at the end of my stay in Valencia to help me with my bags, and we went to Barcelona together for my two week wait. All was well; we were joyful and filled with hope.

Because the transfer day happened earlier than I expected compared to our last experience, I had more days in Spain post-transfer than I had anticipated. This meant that I would still be in Spain when I got my blood work results back. I decided I would not delay the wait. I had my blood test done, then went to the beach with Rina. I didn’t swim, just in case I was positive and had to avoid getting an infection. I told G to let me know when he got home from work so I could look at the test result with him on the phone and we could get the news together.

Finally, close to 2 am in Barcelona, with G on the phone, I finally took a look.

Negative.

It was an awful Whatsapp chat. This, we had been convinced, would be the successful one, and it wasn’t. We just sat there, each in our feelings, not sharing them. I felt devastated and alone. Hurt. Mad. Heartbroken. Isolated.

Hours later, when Rina woke up on the morning of her flight back to Istanbul, I told her the news through tears. She said she didn’t want to leave me behind like this; I said I would be fine, and that there wasn’t anything she or anyone could do. I just needed to grieve, and her being there with me or not wouldn’t change anything. Besides, why pay extra money to hang out longer with a depressed sister who doesn’t feel like doing anything except staying in bed crying? Rina went back to her room, made a phone call, and came back to tell me she was staying three more days and that was that. She left to give me some space and to get herself some coffee, and returned a little while later with a bubble wand for me (I am about to cry just thinking about it now.) I got up, blew some bubbles from the balcony of my room towards passersby below. Bubbles have always made me smile. And to my surprise, even under these circumstances they still did.

I got my period a few days later—a few days after Rina had returned to Istanbul and a few days before my own trip back home. That week after the test results and before my flight back to SF, back to Gene was the longest week ever. I tried to make the most of it by finally enjoying all the foods (including ice cream) and alcohol I had been denying myself in Barcelona due to my fertility-friendly diet.

And then, back home, it felt like the longest time ever until I stopped grieving. What finally helped me find a sense of inner calm was to start researching next steps. I started researching clinics in Spain all over again, making phone calls, having Skype chats at all hours of the night (due to the 9-hour time difference), exchanging numerous emails with a number of clinics and their former patients…

Eventually, after I did all that research and laid out everything on a spread sheet, we settled on a clinic in Barcelona and decided to gamble on their birth guarantee/shared risk program. What that means: instead of paying for one cycle (about $9K), you pay a flat fee (about $20K), which gets you three cycles with three different donors and a healthy baby at the end of those, OR all your money back. So the clinic is taking a risk in that they could lose $20K if you don’t have a successful birth by the end. And you take a risk by paying $20K instead of $9K because if the first cycle works, that’s $11K down the drain. We decided it was worth it since I’d had so many failed cycles, including two donor egg transfers thus far. And we figured the clinic would be taking especially good care of us because it would be in their best interest for us to have a successful cycle as soon as possible. Next challenge: figure out how to finance all this. After more research, more emails and more chats with people in various Facebook groups, we settled on a plan and decided to go for it.

December cycles hadn’t been kind to me. I’d had a December cycle with my own eggs in Turkey a few years back, which we had to cancel when my body just didn’t respond to the fertility meds. Our first donor egg transfer in Spain had also failed and was the one cycle when my lining took its time getting to the minimal acceptable thickness for the embryo transfer. Knowing cold weather is not my body’s friend, I was hesitant to start the new cycle with a new clinic in December, but I was also not getting any younger, so there was no time to waste. It was back to Barcelona in December 2019, and this time, Barcelona was the location of the clinic and our only destination, not a short trip between clinic visits in another visit. Everything would be much simpler.

Clarity sure felt good, and knowing what our plan was for up to three cycles (which could span the period of the next two years) was a huge relief to me. I felt so much lighter. I felt hopeful and confident again.

December 2019-January 2020.

Barcelona.

Let’s do this.

To be continued.

[flowerspecial]

Calum College Series: Part 1

The first thing Calum had to do the following day was his soccer trial. Although he was already on the team with his scholarship, he still needed to try out so the coaches could see how good he was and which team we would be put in. 

“Aren’t you nervous at all?” Ashton asked Calum, as they were both getting ready to leave the dorm.

“Not really,” Calum began, “I’m so used to trials that I guess they just don’t really affect me anymore. I used to get nervous when I was younger, but now I kinda like the adrenaline.”

“Fair play, I’d be freaking out if I was you,” Ashton replied. Ashton and Calum had finished tying their shoes and were ready to leave.

As they walked out of the door, Calum asked, “Why don’t you try out with me? If you don’t like it, you can always quit. But I think it will be a great way to meet new people.” 

“I’m not sure mate, what happens if I make a fool out of myself? I don’t want people laughing at me before I’ve even started classes.” Ashton chuckled. Calum gave him a kind smile and explained that if he could kick a soccer ball, he would be fine. Ashton took a second to mull it over but decided to follow Calum towards the soccer pitch.

Ashton and Calum walked onto the soccer pitch, boys were already practising their drills, warming up and getting ready for judgement. 

“Mate, I’m not too sure about this.” Ashton looked very hesitant as he watched the other boys. The way Calum had described it as they walked to the pitch made it seem like this would just be a bit of fun, but to Ashton, it looked like people were taking it very seriously.

“Oh c’ mon, I’ll pair up with you,” Calum grabbed Ashton by the arm in an attempt to pull him closer to the pitch. “Besides, if I go easy on you, not only will it make you look good, but it’ll make me look even better.” 

The boys joined the others and began to start warming up. They did a few warm-up drills to practice their agility and took a few warm-up shots in hope to intimidate the other boys.

“Welcome boys to our soccer trials!” The head football coach shouted above the talking of the boys. “Today is a day to assess your ability, I don’t care if you were the best in your town, you are now in my town. I will decide if you are good enough.”

“Wow, where did he go for his charm lessons?” Ashton muttered under his breath. 

“Now, get ready and into a line in 5 minutes.” All the boys began to take off their warm-up clothes and lined up. Calum was very calm and seemingly unfazed by the coach’s harsh demeanour. Ashton, on the other hand, was mentally questioning why he put himself in this position. He didn’t even want to take part in this trial, he only said yes because he wanted him and Calum to be friends. Now he was risking public humiliation in front of boys that will be with him for the next four years. 

The next half an hour or so was a breeze, for Calum at least. Calum didn’t find the drills too tricky, as his previous coach had prepared him during the summer. He was running around the pitch with ease, he made the sport look effortless. Every strike and pass carried intensity and purpose, showing the coach that he was always in control. The coach was subtly smiling at him, nodding to himself every time Calum made a particularly impressive strike. 

Once the coach blew the whistle to indicate the trial was over, Calum hadn’t even begun to break into a sweat. He walked over to where his clothes were, to be greeted by his roommate sat on the ground panting for breath.

“Did you have fun?” Calum asked, smirking.

“Fuck off, that was so hard. I thought you said that was going to be easy.” Ashton replied, rummaging through his bag in the desperation of finding his water bottle.

“I never said it was going to be easy, I said it would be fun.” Calum tossed his water bottle to Ashton. He almost felt bad for persuading this boy, who he doesn’t really know yet, to do a college trial in a sport he has been doing his entire life. 

“Whatever man, you owe me.”

Calum helped Ashton get up from the ground. They walked back to the dorm, significantly slower than their journey on the way there. Every step, Ashton groaned in agony, making Calum laugh. 

When they entered their dorm, Ashton flopped straight onto his bed. 

“You know what? I don’t think sport is for me.” Ashton muffled into his bed sheets.

“You need to give yourself a chance mate,” Calum placed his bag down beside his bed, “when was the last time you played soccer? And besides, from what I saw you were doing some great passing. I reckon you have a great chance of making the team!”

“I’m not sure I will make it if I get in the team. If that was only the trial, I dread to think what the actual training will be like.”

As Ashton was asleep, Calum decided to take a walk down the halls, just to see if there was anyone to talk to. Calum by nature was easily pleased, and so loved looking at how everyone had decorated their doors. He felt that it gave a bit of an insight to who the person was. As he was walking down the corridor, he noticed a door was opened by a doorstop, which was usually an indication that visitors were welcome.

There were no decorations on the door, so Calum wasn’t able to guess about who might be living in the room. He knocked on the door and heard a small voice welcome him in.

As he entered the room, Calum decided to introduce himself, “hi, I’m Calum, I just live down the hall in room 217.” Sitting at a desk, tucked away in the corner of a room was the person who welcomed him moments ago. 

“Hi Calum, I’m Mollie. It’s lovely to meet you.” The young girl got up from where she was sitting and stuck out her hand to shake, much in similarity to Ashton. Growing up around his sister, Calum was all too aware of crossing female personal boundaries, so instead of going for a hug like he did Ashton, he took her hand in his and gave it a quick shake. 

“Please, take a seat. Make yourself comfortable” Mollie motioned towards her bed. Calum decided to sit on the edge, not wanting to seem like he was overstepping his mark. Mollie joined him on the bed. “You know you can sit further on if you want. I don’t bite.” 

Taking that as an invitation, Calum made himself comfortable, taking a pillow from the rather large pile and putting it behind his back. Calum took a few moments to glance around her room. It looked very cosy in his opinion, there were fairy lights strung up around the top edge of the room, and there were Sherpa blankets thrown over the bed and the desk chair.

Mollie noticed Calum looking around her room. She suddenly felt a pang of insecurity that maybe he thought her room was childish. “Sorry if it’s a bit girly, I just wanted it to remind me of home.” 

“Oh no, it’s not that,” Calum averted his attention to her. “You’ve made the room look so warm and inviting. It is really nice.” He gave her a sincere smile, to show her that he was not judging her or wanting to make her feel uncomfortable. Mollie returned the smile.

“So, what are you majoring in?” Mollie asked, trying to change the topic. Thankfully this was always a brilliant question to start with at college.

“Honestly, I’m not too sure yet, I’m thinking maybe maths, or maybe physics. I want to see what all my classes are like before I make any real decisions. What about you?”

“Well I’m pre-med, so probably biology, or biochemistry.”

“Pre-med?! How are you going to have any time to do anything other than study?” Calum always had the utmost respect for pre-med students. The amount of effort and hard work they had to put in was no joke. But he couldn’t help but feel slightly sorry for them. College was more than just studying, and while they are young, college kids should make the most of it.

Mollie laughed as if she had heard this question a thousand times. Which she had. “Don’t worry, I’m pretty good at staying organised so I know I will be able to attend a few parties. I’m not a massive party goer anyway, but I would like some sort of social life.” 

Calum liked this girl and thought to himself that they would make great friends. She seemed very level headed but still wanted to live life to the full. Calum fell into a bit of a daze as Mollie waved her hand over his face. 

“Earth to Calum, did you hear what I just said?” She said, trying to get his attention. He quickly snapped out of his little daze, slightly embarrassed and regained focus on the girl sat in front of him. 

“Sorry, I spaced out for a second. What did you say?”

“I said, are you going to the party tonight?”

“What party?”

“One of the frats is holding a party, kappa gamma omega or something like that. My roommate and I were thinking about going, you should come along!” Mollie climbed off her bed and began to rummage through her suitcase for clothes, as she hadn’t finished unpacking. 

“Oh yeah definitely. My roommate and I will be there!” Calum followed suit and climbed off her bed. He smiled at Mollie and took it as his cue to leave. 

As he was walking back towards his room, he had a slight spring in his step. He knew it was far too early to rush into anything, he only really knew her name and her major. In fact, he didn’t even know her second name! But something inside him was telling him that he would be seeing this girl around a lot, and this was something which made him smile in anticipation. 

When Calum opened the door, Ashton was still out like a light, slightly snoring. Calum decided to wake him up with a gentle nudge. But when that didn’t work, Calum gave him a hard shove. 

“For someone who doesn’t know me, you really like to annoy me don’t you?” Ashton asked as he rubbed his eyes, adjusting to the light.

“Sorry man, but you need to get up. We are going to a party.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice, I’m down.” Ashton jumped off his bed and quickly smelt himself. “But first, I need to have a shower.”

As soon as the boys were finally ready, Calum felt that it was necessary to mention the real reason he wanted to go to the party.

Once Calum. Had finished recapping Ashton on the day’s previous events, Ashton turned to reply, “say no more, I’m a great wingman.” With that Calum lead the way towards Mollie’s room and eagerly awaited the night’s events.

Part 2

[morekersunil-blog]

Childhood and future of India down the drain? Not if experts can help it ,by mobilising community participation in searching for  solutions

A child , all of eighteen months, goes down the drain and disappears during the ongoing monsoon and subsequent floods in Mumbai . It is not only one child but many who suffer , not on just a particular day but every monsoon, throughout the monsoon ; not just affected by floods on the day but also days after the floods;  due to leptospirosis , dengue and other diseases which follow the rains 

 What policy changes are necessary  , what community  action is essential and  who are the stakeholders  involved who need to act for this vulnerable age group to be better cared for, across all economic strata , since this is the age group which is our country’s future ?

 Early Childhood Association President Dr Swati Popat speaks to us about important issues this event brings to the forefront about early childhood care.

“ Mumbai floods” is now a buzz word in Mumbai but it is a  regular affair. Deaths have been so many that most of us are probably now numbed . 268 events of flooding were reported between 1995 and 2015 and it has affected 825 million people and left 17 million homeless  and has killed 69,000 people all over India .Greater Mumbai has a population of 12 million as per census 2011 figures and the most vulnerable are slum dwellers who comprise 41 % of the city’s household. The world bank policy research paper number 7481 examines the vulnerability of the poor in Mumbai with respect to their displacement during floods. Floods affect not just the poor but also the affluent . Brain drain is something that many hear of but the best of brains Dr Amrapurkar dying by drowning in a drain shocked Mumbai a couple of years ago.Many efforts were made to make sure  such an event doesn’t occur .  Yet just two days ago yet another child was lost as the child slipped down an open drain as seen on a cctv footage of an adjoining mosque .

The following picture from India Today speaks volumes about toddlers in rains and floods 

The drains are wide open like shown in the accompanying picture 

And when it rains children are walking along the flooded roads not knowing where the drains location is 

( Picture : School going children looking for manholes ) 

The flood water enters everywhere , even in homes 

Sushmita ( name changes on request )  is a home help whose husband is a jobless alcoholic , who has abandoned her and she makes a living as a cook in the high rise buildings next to her dwelling in the slums . She cooks at five households earning three thousand rupees from each household , that is an income of fifteen thousand rupees a month with which she keeps her life afloat. When the rains came this year her life drowned , like every year , year after year. 

“ The water came rushing in , drowning everything .I do not have a life at all and I live only for my children and it hurts very much, when they were really affected. All the clothes  got wet, children’s  school uniforms , books , everything got wet .They still went to school since the school had not declared a holiday .Till they come back home I am really worried , ever since the news of the child drowning cake out, we all are extremely worried” said Sushmita . “ I am most worried about the toddlers my relatives  leave behind in a play school or with neighbour when they go to work “

She has a good idea of why these issues plague the area,  because  she is a little more informed ,due to the conversations she has, during her work at an educated household . She takes us to a nullah which is overflowing . She points to an area where the drain is blocked. We see  numerous plastic bags blocking the drain . The sewage is overflowing. The water supply and sewage lines are overlapping and the sewage contaminates the water supply line . “ When the water flows and the children wade through these waters , they come back home and have a fever three to six days later . Three children in our locality were identified with fever” said Sushmita.

After the rains , one can see dead rats along the pavements and roads. 

Picture : Dead rats along the pavement near the manholes 

These rats cause Leptospirosis 

According to the National Health Portal of India, leptospirosis is one of the world’s most widespread disease  transmitted by animals to humans.In 2014-15, 179 cases were reported and  seven people died across the state of Maharashtra of which Mumbai is a part. In 2016, 367 were people infected and 13 had died. In 2017, the cases increased to 398 with 18 succumbing  to the disease.Mumbai has recorded the highest number of cases, with 218 of the 309 cases recorded in 2018 coming from Mumbai.To address the rising burden of the disease the Government of India in started  a Pilot project on Prevention and Control of Leptospirosis as a “New Initiative” under XI Five Year Plan.” Radio spots and Radio Jingle under Programme for prevention and control of Leptospirosis (PPCL) were  prepared. Although the programme is still in its nascent stage , it has been able to sensitize the state Governments about the significant public health impact of the disease. The surveillance of the disease has been strengthened and cases and outbreak are regularly reported through IDSP portal.” says the program website . A recent meeting was held on June 13 th . But would it fair to expect only the government to act . 

The Center  for Disease Control and Prevention , USA on its website explains that  leptospirosis cases are seen more often when there are floods ( https://www.cdc.gov/leptospirosis/exposure/hurricanes-leptospirosis.html) A large increase in the number of patients seen with leptospirosis was reported from days 7 to 12 following a deluge in Mumbai. In 2005 at one of the hospitals 432 patients were diagnosed with leptospirosis (  Maskey M, Shastri JS, Saraswathi K, Surpam R, Vaidya N. Leptospirosis in Mumbai: Post-deluge outbreak 2005. Indian J Med Microbiol 2006;24:337-8.) .

So prevention of wading should be a first step

The next step would be treating the ones who waded in rain water , literally wading inti trouble.

A community prophylaxis program prevented Leptospirosis. “ There were reduced number of cases of leptospirosis due to community chemoprophylaxis with 432 confirmed cases in 2005 v. 128 [59 confirmed] in 2017 “ reported the research paper ( Supe A, Khetarpal M, Naik S, Keskar P. Leptospirosis following heavy rains in 2017 in Mumbai: Report of large-scale community chemoprophylaxis. Natl Med J India 2018;31:19-21)

“I saw my employer’s children being given some medicines when they came back home after wading in the water . Our children in the slums did not any medicines which many of the children in the houses where I work received  “ said Sushmita when we asked her if any prophylaxis was given to the children in the area of the slums. The government has a policy under which free Leptospirosis prophylaxis is given to anyone who waded through flood water. There are print articles in prominent dailies. But Sushmita who doesn’t read them is not aware of these facts. 

There are so many issues . Who has the solution ? Is it all the responsibility  of governments? What can be done in the community ? How can private professionals make a difference ?. What role do schools play? . How can school teachers and doctors guide government policy and how can they generate public opinion , which can further guide policy, through inputs of various stakeholders? .

Dr Swati Popat is a pre school director and an advocate for  the extremely young students education , and she is the one who represented India at eye annual conference of World forum in early care and education in Macao , China where  over 80 countries had sent their representives ; all of them gathering to network and discuss challenges and innovations in early childhood development and safety .

(Picture : Dr Swati Popat at the United Nations Global Goals day for pre schoolers which she organises at Mumbai every year )

Disasters like floods need a different policy at government level, especially when school children may be stuck during floods in schools . On this issue Dr Popat said “We need to change the summer holidays in India to suit the climate of the state/city! Mumbai should be closed in June and July as June is extremely hot and July is extremely wet. Government can come out with standard operating procedures for disaster management but the schools will ultimately implement it, so it is better if parents and schools work together for the safety and security of young children and work out solutions to prevent and take care in the aftermath. Where preschool children are concerned, sadly our government departments are still figuring out, who will take care of the early years!!!We have a School Development Committee for this reason, this committee has representatives from each class and they meet with the head of the school regularly and recommend, advice etc.” That is the democratic structure for welfare of pre school children with involvement of all stakeholders.

Dr Swati Popat said “ In a family we first ensure that our youngest children are taken care of and safe, whereas in government policies and budget we ignore them, literally!Pre-schoolers are ‘nobody’s child’ ! Human Resource department HRD feels they come under WCD (women and child development ministry), WCD ministry struggles with women and child problems and is either able to cater to health or nutrition, so education goes for a toss. Urban planning ministry chooses to ignore that extremely small children also live in a city. And the lesser said about the Municipalities of every city!! These young pre-schoolers who are growing up in our city today, what are they learning when they see the city flooded, drains open, people dying? They learn to become immune to this and tolerate it because that is what they see their parents do! We need to take our children more seriously , they are our human resource, and they are the ones who will take care of our cities and country. If we give them polluted rivers, choking drains, substandard infrastructure then they will not know quality and will never uphold it. We cannot ask them to save the world when we give them a world that is already destroyed.We need the government to understand that children maybe 20% of our population presently but they are going to be 100% our future, invert the pyramid, invest in early years, in their health, hygiene, education and you will  need lesser investments when they grow older.”

A quick response and declaration of holidays saved the lives of many children in Mumbai .But sometimes the whole city may not be involved and a section of the road in front of schools may be afeected and that is when the schools have act in time .

Dr Swati Popat , President of the Early Childhood Association of India said “It is important that’s we  take a quick call whether to keep the school closed, and then we inform the parents accordingly . Sometimes the rain gods play a trick and it is bright and sunshine in the morning and suddenly torrential rains, then we keep the school closed for second shift,  for parents of young toddlers and children not to leave their children unattended during the rains, especially in a city that is close to the sea or prone to frequent flooding. Sadly our urban planning ministry and municipalities never think of children (or the disabled) when planning cities or investing in infrastructure. Due to this the entire responsibility of the safety of children falls on parents and schools. I would advice parents to hold the hand of their child while walking in the floods and to keep a long stick or an umbrella and keep tapping the area in front of you so that you come to know if there is a pothole, manhole open etc. Teach this to the attendant that takes care of your child too. Also umbrellas are useless in rains like Mumbai, raincoats are the best for children and parents who are walking with children because it frees you from worrying about holding the umbrella, getting wet, holding the child and looking for potholes!”

Early childhood pre school children are easily prone to infections which are common when children wade in waters .Regarding this issue of infectious diseases post monsoon, Dr Swati Popat said “Health and hygiene are the most important aspects of early childhood education. Sadly parents today do not give enough importance to health and hygiene and that is why we regularly release these posters to warn and educate parents about what they can do for their little ones. Children may be small but that does not mean that they are not susceptible to all illness and health issues that ail adults. We also want parents to understand that precaution is better than cure and hence release these advisories often on all subjects like Hand Foot Mouth Disease ( HFMD), Dengue, Malaria, etc.”

Routine health education programs help parents know what to expect and what to do and what not to.

( Picture : The health education pictures that the school puts up on social media and as posters at prominent places where parents can see them as they wait at school to take their kids home  )

If schools are proactive and declare holidays , potential drowning events and wading in flood water events can be prevented . Speaking about the use of technology as a policy while declaring holidays before the situation turns dangerous Dr Swati Popat said “We use whatsapp, Facebook, between us portal on the school website”.

So what are the causes of flooding ? 

Following the deluge and floods and massive death of over one thousand people in the 2005 floods of Mumbai , the concerned citizens group gave its report available on India Environment portal . This is the link http://www.indiaenvironmentportal.org.in/files/Mumbai-Marooned.pdf Following this the civic body did some wonderful ground work and made excellent laws but yet the situation seems worse .

 The main causes for flooding are tidal variations , flat gradients and mud flats with many reclaimed areas vulnerable to floods . Other contributory factors are unsanitary methods OT solid waste and sewage disposal and problems with drainage syste  (Sherbinin, A., Schiller, A., Pulsipher, A. (2007). The Vulnerability of Global Cities to Climate Hazards. Environment and Urbanization, Vol. 19(1). International Institute for Environment and Development. Sage Publications.)  Manmade factors like  inappropriate levels of outfalls, loss of holding ponds due to land development, increase in the run‐off coefficient, encroachments on drains and obstructions due to crossing utility lines are well known (MCGM (2014a). Greater Mumbai City Development Plan 2005 to 2025. Municipal Corporation of Greater Mumbai.http://www.mcgm.gov.in/irj/portal/anonymous?NavigationTarget=navurl://095e1c7b9486b1423b881dce8b106978)

This shows that part of the problem lies within the communities and the practices within the communities . Changing this needs community participation . Community participation cannot be elicited without awareness campaigns of a larger scale . 

Schools organise events like UN Global days ,events which create awareness of such issues . On this Dr Swati Popat said “advocacy is the best tool to create awareness in adults and pester power is something that we use to ensure that parents listen! When we teach children about eco friendly festivals or reduce, reuse and recycle or harmful effects of plastic, we are creating powerful crusaders who will not only go and tell their parents about the message but will pester the parents till the parents change! Children have that power and through our UN goals day celebration we are ensuring that the goals are not only on paper but become a part of a child’s every day life and living. This is true life skills education or experiential education.” Through such events they also educate community through indirect education of the parents . So the involvement of various stakeholders including parents , teachers , doctors through parents and teachers all is essential 

The issues which need urgent action are as following 

a) Mangrove destruction :30 percent of mangroves along the river Mithi and Mahim Creek have been destroyed between 1995 to 2005 . Mangroves are natural barriers against flooding . Satellite maps of Mumbai comparing mangroves in 1998 vs 2017 shows this destruction .( https://qz.com/india/1065455/satellite-photos-reveal-how-mumbai-killed-its-rivers-and-mangrove-forests-to-risk-epic-floods/)   The mangroves are used for building construction . Rampant construction with total disregard to law has occurred . This needs to be checked .

The example of a village near where the child just died down a drain. The village ( gaon ) is called Charkop . Here are two pictures comparing the village charkopgaon in 2004 and 2018 which shows the massive loss of mangroves 

Milind Deora  a former Minister of State (MoS) with the Ministry of Communications and Information Technology and also a former MoS with the Ministry of Shipping within the Government of India who is now in opposition party , tweeted in support of mangroves 

b) Sewers and industrial waste from Construction buildings force tremendous waste into Mithi River . The drainage system is old and for buildings which were four storey and housing four families per storey and are now catering to reconstructed buildings with 8 to 11 floors and each floor having four families each on an average consisting of four people . The drainage systems made for 64 people in one building now  carry domestic waste and sewage from  128 to 178 per building and are obviously going to overflow . This is further damaging the fragile ecosystems around Mumbai .

“Mumbai’s drains have the capacity to carry only 25 mm water per hour, and siphons and other utility services create numerous obstructions in the larger drains” , a report of the Comptroller and Auditor General of India (CAG) recently tabled in the state parliament . 

c) Plastic usage by people : This causes blockage of drain pipes and sewers . The Bombay Municipal Corporation did good by banning plastics since it clogs drains and contributes to flooding . But the issue remains becuase slum dwellers continue to use plastic , since it doesn’t address behavioural change in public . https://hwww.dnaindia.com/mumbai/report-mumbai-plastic-ban-goes-down-nthe-drain-bmc-blames-it-on-slum-dwellers-2754420.  

d) Food waste and other waste dumped into river and sewer : According to a report in  USA , Smithfield Foods  was fined $ 12.6 million for dumping hog waste into river tributory of Cheasapeake Bay Area in virginia , USA . In Pattaya , Thailand food vendors were fined 1000 baht each for dumping food waste into sewer system . This waste can be used to generate electricity and biogas instead of choking drains and causing flood . The decision to penalise ( https://www.hindustantimes.com/mumbai-news/mumbaiites-to-be-penalised-for-dumping-trash-in-nullahs-near-railway-tracks/story-zFHHK32NbLs2ijAa8Rb72M.html)  those dumping waste in nullas has been welcomed by experts  but the fine is too small at Rs 1250 to act as a deterrent . The fine against firms has also been welcomed  (https://www.indiatoday.in/india/story/case-filed-against-mumbai-firm-owner-for-dumping-debris-causing-flooding-1560041-2019-07-01) if they dump thrash . But just levying fines on  them may not be a final solution because they will find other ways to stealthily dump somewhere else . Sending a person to jail is also does not solve the problem but making the offenders do community service may help feel experts . 

Even the larger picture also should not be missed , that  of climate change . From 1995 to 2015 a three fold rise in extreme rain events have been seen in Mumbai ( Reference : Roxy , MK et al A three fold increase in widespread extreme rain events over central India . Nature  Communcations 8 (2017 ) . All this will require behavioural cat a national level, 

The Swatchh  Bharat ( Clean India )  campaign  has been successful in eliminating open defecation in Mumbai and a similar large behavioural change campaign is needed. Who will do it ? Shouldn’t all stake holders do their bit ? 

Dr Swati Popat and her schools as well as the chain of schools attached to the Early Childhood Association she heads have made a huge contribution in this area.

The preschools and schools organised program, the United Nations Global Goals day is an event where every year  the students make projects which address  these climate , plastic and water issues and the parental involvment makes  sure community awareness improves 

Considering the vast network of schools that Dr Swati Popat and Dr Vandana Lulla work with , the effort should work indeed . 

The future is not so bleak but action is necessary right away . One child went down the drain , but India’s children in Mumbai and their futures will not go down the drain. It is the citizens who should be doing their bit to ensure that besides the civic authorities and government .The private players in addition to the government are doing their bit . What have we done ? That’s the question all of us need to answer .

[thoughtsafter8]

Mental Health Awareness

Isn’t May Mental Health Awareness month? I think it is. I’m too lazy to google it. Unfortunately for me, mental health month is every month because *surprise* I suffer from several mental illnesses. I don’t really like to talk about the true depths of these illnesses, however, it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to hide the grittiest details of my poor brain. Just a couple weeks ago I had to leave work because I began to suffer a panic attack induced by exhaustion, dehydration, and a med imbalance that had happened because I did that fun depression thing where I feel good for a minute, so I think I don’t need to follow up with my doctor. Anyway, I thought maybe it would help if I just, you know, put it all out there. Maybe some of you guys feel this way. Maybe I truly am the hot mess I think I am and should be snapped into the looney bin. Either way, I think it may take a load off.

So, again, a little about me (the abridged and most current version). I am a 34 (how in the hell?) year old infant teacher’s assistant, student of early childhood education and intervention, mom, and wife. My son has autism and adhd, my husband has had 3 heart attacks in three years, and my daughter is currently treading the waters of gender/sexuality while coming to terms with her own autistic tendencies and the fact that she is a teenager. I decided at the age of 32 to go to college on a wing and a prayer directly after my husband’s first heart attack and suffering the trauma of losing the home we had lived and raised our family in for 10 years. We were, for a short time, homeless. We currently live in public housing and I couldn’t be more grateful in that regard.

Fortunately, our financial situation began to line out earlier this year as my husband’s long-awaited disability hearing was approved. Nearly 3 years of counting pennies, skipping meals, and taking hand outs later I could go to bed without worrying whether I could stretch those 3 chicken breasts in the fridge across 4 days and dreading the summers because I could not fathom how we were going to feed the kids without the help of their school meals. This was a grand old time for my depression because on top of all the worry and the guilt I had the aforementioned responsibility of working my very first job and pinning down 5 classes each through those first few semesters. And that sort of sets the stage for where we are now.

Below I will discuss my diagnoses individually. Yes, they are separate and yes, they are all interwoven. It’s all complicated to discuss and explain, but I’ll do my best.

Clinical Depression: While I only got this diagnosis about 8 years ago, I am certain that I have suffered from depression my entire life. I’ve had life long self esteem and inferiority issues and difficulty with concentration, focus, and relationships, specifically friendships. I’ve maintained thoughts of unworthiness, worthlessness, and guilt, as if I am a burden on those around me. That I cry too much or am too sensitive. I am quite sensitive. A close friend once told me that I am an empath, but that wasn’t a bad thing. Sometimes I do think it’s a bad thing. I’m hard on myself and will judge myself worse and before anyone else.  This is specifically hard to deal with within my family as I have had to take the mantle of advocate for everyone. I’ve spoken at length of the struggles I face getting help for my kids and my husband, trudging through IEP meetings, and calling out people who use words like “retard” and “fag”. I have been forced so far out of my comfort zone that if I allow the depression even the slightest crack it will flood in. I’ve gotten better at this fight, but I still lose sometimes.

Anxiety: This one hasn’t been with me as long as the depression but started once we began to realize something was up with Gunner. Instead of fully recovering from trauma and moving on I love to internalize it. I think I put on a good face most of the time, but it has gotten so bad that even now, with everything that we have gotten through and managed to come out the other side, I do not trust it. I wake every day, not with a smile, but with a suspicion that today will be the day that everything I’ve worked for will come crashing down. My husband will fall sick again, something will happen to one of the kids at school, I’ll lose my job, have a car wreck on the way there, get a phone call that a loved one died or is sick. This sometimes manifests in OCD type behaviors. For example, I wake several times a night to make sure each member of my family is breathing. I have to see their chests rise and fall at least 5 times. I never let my kids wake Jeremy or come in to the house first after outings because I don’t want them to be the ones who find Jeremy dead. I worry. I worry so, so much. Sometimes I spiral and bite my nails until they bleed. For many years I suffered from dermatilomania, a body focused repetitive behavior aligned with self-harm where you basically pick at your skin or scabs to relieve internal tensions. This should be in a category of its own, but as I currently am not suffering from derma, I’ll let it go.

Imposter Syndrome: This is the newest one. And while it is not an actual diagnosis, I had no clue that there was even a word for the feelings that I began having once I started achieving personal successes. I am killing it at school and will graduate soon with an associate degree and 3 state certifications in early childcare and direction. Soon after I’ll begin pursuing a bachelor’s and managed to score a job in my desired field after just one semester in the program at a highly sought-after day care in my area. These are all good things! Amazing accomplishments some one like me should be proud of and own. It’s not that easy though. I’ve touched on this in a previous post, I think. It’s just so hard to see myself as a productive, professional type person. I bounce between feeling as if I don’t deserve my success and feeling crushing guilt at pursuing something that takes so much of my time away from my family, who still very much need me around. I am aware that a lot of people feel this way but combined with everything else I have going on upstairs, it makes it particularly difficult to overcome.

General Fear: Another not-actual-diagnosis, but something that goes hand in hand with the anxiety section of our tour is fear. Soul draining, insomnia inducing, heart breaking fear. Death is a biggy in this department. I fear for Jeremy, my mom, my grandma. Jeremy’s bad heart, my mom because, well, I don’t know what I would do without my mom, and my grandma because she is dealing with so many health issues. These three are the gates and cornerstone holding up my feeble mental fortress and if one of them is removed, everything will come down with them. I don’t really have any friends, so my family is supremely important and dear to me and I am constantly afraid of losing one of them. I also fear for my kids. The unending questions that come along with a kid/kids with special needs or circumstances. Will either of them ever be truly independent? Will Gunner be able to live alone, get a job, hold relationships, drive a car, get married? Will Daphne discover her truth? And in carrying that truth, will the world treat her with kindness? With her friends accept her decision? Am I prepared to deal with all this, god forbid, alone? The fear of doing *all this* by myself is maddening. I’ve never just been Brittany in my entire adult life. I’ve always been one half of a team. Surviving under different circumstances is something that, for over a decade, I never even contemplated. Now it’s every day life and that is terrifying.

With all this being said, and for those of you who don’t know me very well, this doesn’t mean that I’m sitting here hanging by a thread. I am still productive and love my school and work and family. This is all inside and as things have gotten harder to deal with I have come to the realization that I need the help of a professional. For several years I have relied on the help of different medications (currently I take Wellbutrin, Zoloft, and Vistaril. You can research these if you want) but I think it’s the right time for me to seek additional help. As of today, the referral has been submitted and now we wait. I hope to keep things documented through this blog both as documentation and anecdotes to share and as a means of measuring progress (or lack there of) and I hope some of you might share the journey with me. Thanks for listening/reading 😊

[ukfinearts]

UK Symphony Orchestra: A Family Business

By: Michaela Bowman

Pictured Above: (From Left to Right) Chandler, Isabelle, and Miranda Martin

Photo Credit: Cindy Martin

Siblings can be a built in best friend, but how about a built in ensemble member? In this Q&A, the Martin Sisters discuss how they grew up playing music together and continued their education at the University of Kentucky where they had the opportunity to play in the UK Symphony Orchestra. Isabelle, Chandler, and Miranda reminisce about their college experience and what it was like to perform together at the Prague Summer Nights Young Artist Music Festival!

All three of you are string players, how did you get involved with the instrument? What was it like growing up as musicians? Did you ever want to play a different instrument?

Pictured Above: Isabelle Martin

Photo Credit: Olivia Obineme

Isabelle: We got involved with music because our mom has always been a supporter of the arts, so we grew up doing lots of arts extracurriculars (we were all dancers for awhile too, and I took a lot of after-school art classes). I started out as a violinist and switched to the cello when I was in middle school. Growing up, I never wanted to focus long enough to practice! When we were really young, our mom would beg us just to practice for fifteen minutes straight, and for a little kid, that was like a lifetime.

Chandler: As Isabelle said, our mom has always had a passion for music. It was actually after she watched the movie Music of the Heart when she was inspired for us to start learning to play the violin. I’m pretty sure I didn’t even know what a violin was when I started my first lesson at 5 years old! Nonetheless, we all stuck with it and our home was full of music from that moment forward. I think we all wish our mom would have introduced us to piano as well, but we were busy enough with our other activities like ballet and swimming. Being involved in music from a very young age truly impacted who I am today. I am a huge supporter of arts education because I experienced firsthand how music can build confidence, patience, and commitment.

Miranda: I would definitely agree that our early childhood involvement with music has shaped who we are today. I was eight years old when I started playing; Chandler was five, and Isabelle was three. Even if we hadn’t landed in these artistic paths now, though different from each other, it was really starting together at such early ages as a musical family that made it so important to us. Even though we were all involved in a variety of sports and other activities growing up, eventually I made the choice for myself that continuing music was the most important; it was the one that I couldn’t imagine my life without, and Chandler and Isabelle felt the same way. My sisters and I have now been playing for 18 years of our lives. As far as wanting to play other instruments, it’s funny to think about how I was influenced by those around me. In elementary school, there were a lot of flute players, and in middle school I wasn’t feeling challenged in my orchestral group at first, so I thought of playing other instruments in the orchestra. Now, I can’t imagine not being a violinist, it is who I am.

What was it like playing in the UKSO together and spending so much time with your sisters in college? Do you have any favorite memories from your time together?

Isabelle: Like Miranda mentioned, having sister dinners after rehearsal is definitely a favorite memory for me. Chandler is such a good cook that those dinners weren’t just for the three of us. A lot of our friends joined in, and that was really special for me. It often felt like because my friends knew my sisters and hung out with them, they were part of my family, too.

Chandler: The three of us have always been very close, so I was beyond excited when I found out Miranda would be transferring to UK my freshman year. Also, I knew I had at least one built-in friend when leaving for college and that was a huge relief. Miranda and I had so much fun together my freshman year. She still owes me for giving her 50% of my meal swipes! It was exciting when Isabelle decided to attend UK a year later. It felt like our presence as a family at UK was finally complete.We grew up attending performing arts schools and playing in youth orchestras together, so we were pretty used to performing together by the time we entered college. The best part about playing in the UKSO together was all of the amazing memories we got to share. The UKSO truly became our second family, and I still think about how much I loved playing in that orchestra.

Miranda: It was a great experience having all my sisters with me at UK. Because of our age difference, Isabelle and I wouldn’t have ordinarily crossed paths technically, but it made the experience so much better. Isabelle and I even lived together her sophomore year, before I graduated. And in orchestra, Chandler and I were even able to be stand partners on occasion. Chandler is also the chef of the family, and could always be relied on to take care of Isabelle and me for dinner after orchestra rehearsals. My sisters are the most important people in my life, along with our parents, and I can’t imagine not having spent our time together in UKSO.

Did you ever go abroad? If so, please explain your experience.

Pictured Above: Miranda Martin

Photo Credit: Connor Shafran, University of Kentucky Graduate

Isabelle: The summer after my freshman year at UK, we traveled abroad with Maestro Nardolillo to play in the orchestra for Prague Summer Nights. It was the first year of the festival. Participating in PSN with my sisters, playing all of that spectacular music, was so special. It was the first time traveling to Europe for all of us, and it was really wonderful to get to be exposed to some Czech culture together. We learned a lot, I think. And one of my favorite memories happened on the last day of the festival. We were running around trying to get our mom a souvenir before our last performance of Don Giovanni, and she collects houses, so we ran to Old Town Square and got her this beautiful little ceramic house that sits on our dining table at home. Whenever we’re home in Louisville and having dinner, seeing that little house reminds me of that summer and how unforgettable it was.

Chandler: My first time out of the country was as an orchestra member of the Prague Summer Nights Young Artist Music Festival. I couldn’t have been happier that my first international experience was in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Throughout the festival, we had the amazing opportunity to perform works by Mozart, Beethoven, Mendelssohn and Dvořák in renowned music halls. My favorite part of the entire festival was getting to perform in the pit for Mozart’s Don Giovanni at the Estates Theatre, the only standing theater where Mozart conducted. It was a spectacular experience full of delicious food, beautiful music and stunning sights.

Miranda: Traveling with my sisters for Prague Summer Nights was an experience I will forever cherish; it’s incredible to think that because we were all involved in music, this wonderful opportunity presented itself. Not only were we immersed in the local culture, we also had the opportunity to travel to Vienna on a day off, we visited Beethoven’s memorial, walked the streets where some of our favorite composers both lived and died, and where they created some of the amazing works of music we treasure today. Had it not been for our involvement in UKSO, this trip would never have occurred, and we wouldn’t have been able to make all of those memories.

Why did you all choose UK?

Pictured Above: Chandler Martin

Photo Credit: Haakan Magnuson

Isabelle: I started out as an architecture major, so it was important for me to be at a school where I could study architecture, but also double-major in music and play in the orchestra. A lot of the universities I applied to wouldn’t allow a student to do both of those majors, because they’re both very demanding, but UK did. And then, of course, I was also excited to go to the same university as my sisters.

Chandler: I knew from my first tour of UK that it was the perfect school for me. Everyone I interacted with was so passionate and welcoming that I felt like I had already become a member of the UK family. I got the chance to sit in on a UKSO rehearsal during one of my visits and I had an absolute blast. The sheer number of musicians on stage was mesmerizing. Like Isabelle, UK was one of the only schools I applied for that allowed me to pursue my pre-med track while studying music. I knew that through this flexibility the school was dedicated to my personal growth and would allow me to follow my passions.

Miranda: As a performance major transfer, UK, to me, was the only place where I could continue those studies while adding an arts administration degree with the degree of flexibility it offers to its students. I would also say knowing that my sister would be attending in the fall had a major impact on my decision. There were vast opportunities to take advantage of at the School of Fine Arts, and I was prepared and excited to experience as much as possible.

Chandler and Miranda, you majored in Arts Administration, while Isabelle, you majored in Art History. Why did you pursue these majors and how were you able to stay connected to your passion for music while you pursue your respective areas of study? How do you think playing a musical instrument will help you in your chosen careers?

Isabelle: I’ve always felt drawn to works of visual art, and I’ve also always really enjoyed writing. Studying art history gives me the opportunity to marry those two interests, as well as equipping me with the skills to understand and interpret art in interdisciplinary ways. Because I remained a music minor, I still played in UKSO and took private lessons, so I still felt very much a part of that world, and that was really important to me because I loved being a member of the orchestra. I really value thinking about the ways the arts intersect and converse with one another, and I think that it’s incredibly enriching to study as many fields of the arts as one can. It makes you a more sensitive person. In Chicago right now I have the opportunity to intern with a nonprofit organization that honors artists of numerous fields--architecture and design, craft, dance, media, music, theatre and performance, traditional arts, visual art, and writing. It’s amazing to be involved with an organization that doesn’t value one arts field over another, but rather acknowledges the unique importance of each of them to our society.

Chandler: I guess you can say I followed in Miranda’s footsteps on this one. I started my freshman year with a Bachelor of Arts in Music with a pre-med track, but started to realize this wasn’t my passion. I heard about the Arts Administration program from Miranda and a few of my friends in the Fine Arts LLP and quickly realized it was the right path for me. I wanted to pursue my passion for the arts without necessarily becoming a professional musician and arts administration was the perfect fit. I chose to pursue a violin performance degree in addition to arts administration at UK to ensure that I could keep making music for as long as possible. I still hold my music background dear to my heart. I use my music background in all of my arts admin endeavors.

Miranda: When I joined Chandler at UK, I had my first advisor meeting with Jane Johnson. I kept talking about my elective options, and was essentially told that I was outlining the arts administration curriculum. Though I wasn’t ready to give up my performance degree, I realized that I was well-suited for a job that wasn’t onstage. I can’t imagine being torn away from the performing arts world and now in my current job, I work towards expanding opportunities for the next generation of orchestral musicians. My background is the reason I am where I am; I find myself constantly referring to myself as an orchestral musician, a participant of youth orchestras, a violinist--these are the reasons why I am in my current career.

What are you doing now?

Isabelle: I’m currently getting my master’s in Art History at the University of Illinois at Chicago, and interning with United States Artists.

Chandler: I am finishing my second year of the dual Arts Administration and MBA program at the University of Cincinnati, College-Conservatory of Music, the same program Miranda graduated from. After serving as the Donor Relations Assistant at the Aspen Music Festival and School over the summer, I started a new position as the Development Intern for the CCM Preparatory and Community Engagement department. I will be graduating in the spring and beginning my career in the arts administration field.

Miranda: I am the General Manager at the American Youth Philharmonic Orchestras.

Do you still play music together?

Isabelle: We actually haven’t played together in a few years, unfortunately.  

Chandler: I wish we could play music together more. Now that we are all living in different cities, it is challenging to even find time to visit each other! I do hope we can continue to share our passion for music for the rest of our lives, even if we are getting a little rusty at this point.

Miranda: We don’t perform together anymore, but now that I am more settled in my career, I hope to join a community orchestra soon. Working for a performing arts organization makes me miss the days when I could play in an ensemble, especially those with my sisters, like our time at UK.

Do you have any advice for other siblings in the same field?

Pictured Above: (From Left to Right) Miranda, Chandler, and Isabelle Martin

Photo Credit: Isabelle Martin

Isabelle: My advice would be to talk to each other about your work and interests. Even though I spend a lot of time researching and writing, almost all of my internship experience has veered into my sisters’ territory with arts admin, so I’ve frequently gone to them for advice and help. Not only do they try to help and guide me as much as possible, but every time I talk to them, I’m reminded of how brilliant and hardworking they are, which is the coolest thing.

Chandler: Support each other in all of your endeavors. There is no greater support system than your family and they can help through every step of your journey, especially through the difficult decisions and setbacks.

Miranda: Cherish your time spent together. As we are each gaining a foothold in our respective careers, it has taken us physically away from each other, but it is because of our family support that we are confident to pursue our roles within the arts world, no matter where they take us.

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[dancedance-resolution]

please do not reblog, this is just a personal little note

i’m really happy with how therapy went today

it was my fourth session with my new therapist. i think i like her a lot.

conversations with my new therapist feel a lot more natural than with the old one.

with her, i don’t feel the same sort of pressure that i did with my last therapist. my last therapist gave me extremely rigidly professional vibes. and this new therapist is still appropriately professional of course, but she’s also more casual. she always opens every session with a funny anecdote about her kids, and then sort of uses that as a segue to get me to share something similar, and then based on what i share, she asks a lot of questions that lead us to dive deeper.

conversely, my old therapist always followed a strict script. she first asked me to rate my mood on a scale of 1 to 10 (which i hated doing, because i never knew what my mood actually was other than “vaguely in the middle i suspect question mark”) (thank you alexythemia, lol). then she always asked “is there anything you want to talk about today.” and i would always shake my head no, because the question is too broad to know how to respond. and that’s something my mom and i actually worked on together - starting around age 17, before each session, we’d written down stuff i should mention. but i was rarely able to say the stuff i had prepared, because i couldn’t get myself to say the words (autism symptom maybe? idk). it’s a lot easier for me to talk when i have a narrow, specific question to answer, and if the other person has been talking for a bit before they expect me to talk. and my new therapist does both of these things

and i like that this new therapist is a bit similar to me. she’s fat. she doesn’t wear make up. she was raised catholic. oh, and she has visible tattoos - which i don’t have, but my point here is that she’s not the stereotypical picture of Health Professional. and she knows a lot more about adhd than my old therapist did, and she knows slightly more about autism than my old therapist did (which was Absolutely Nothing, lol).

also, i think that this change in therapists was necessary. i was with my old therapist for 5 years. i started seeing her when i was 14. she had a very specific perception of me based on how i was when she first met me at 14 - a perception which tainted the way she responded to my current problems. and that wasn’t a good thing for me, because my outlook on life and self-understanding have changed a lot since i was 14, in ways that i never was able to articulate to her properly. plus, i was always anxious to reveal anything new to her. like i was afraid she’d get upset if one day i was like, “hey bestie, i know i’ve been seeing you for 5 years already, but i’m just now going to bring up the fact that i’ve had issues with compulsively lying to my father since age 7 uwu.” (i know it’s irrational to fear “failing therapy”, but also, it’s not as irrational as it sounds. because when i was 18, my mom revealed to the therapist that i’ve always been the type of person to cry at the tip of a hat, and my therapist seemed kind of taken aback and frustrated that i never told that to her. and yeah, it is understandable that that would frustrate her, but it unintentionally made me feel really guilty and bad.)

also, this therapist definitely treats me like an adult more than the other one did. i think maybe my old therapist was still stuck on seeing me as that initial terrified 14-year-old. whereas this therapist gives me a lot more agency and has more trust in me to know myself and my needs. our sessions do follow somewhat of a routine, but it’s a routine we worked out together over the course of the first 3 sessions when she was trying to figure out how to make things comfortable for me. (example - at the first session, she asked me what i want out of therapy, and i said, “i don’t know.” she took me at my word, and she didn’t shame me for it. and i think that that experience sorta taught her that she needs to be more specific when asking me questions.)

i also like she’s very open with me about her perception of me. like, today, i told her about how i started crying when a staff member from my community college called me to confirm that i’d cancelled my classes for this summer semester. and my therapist expressed some surprise that i cried because [paraphrasing] “you always seem very put together and articulate during our sessions. sometimes i’m able to hear anxiety in your tone of voice about certain topics, but for the most part, you always seem very emotionally grounded during our sessions.” and her honesty gave us an opportunity to talk about masking. (also, i appreciate knowing that she can hear anxiety in my voice, because i had no idea that was a thing?? like i know you can hear when someone’s voice gets high-pitched and breaks like they’re gonna cry, but i‘ve never done that during one of our sessions? lol, so i guess this is a little fun fact i’ve learned about neurotypicals, that they can detect anxiety in ppl’s voices even if they’re not obviously on the brink of tears lol.)

a few specific things that happened at today’s session that were good:

when i talked about my sleep issues, she actually brought the conversation in a direction i hadn’t expected - she started asking if i’m putting too much pressure on myself regarding productivity. my initial answer was no - i unenrolled from my summer classes. i don’t have a part time job. i don’t have any traditional responsibilities. but upon discussing it, we kinda figured out that i am putting a lot of pressure on myself to enjoy the summer, because i have this sort of doomsday mindset of This Is My Last Summer Break Before I Have To Work Full-Time So I Must Take Advantage Of Every Moment To Enjoy Myself. and that’s unreasonable - it’s a pandemic, i’m recovering from bad burn out, and i’m trying to adjust to new meds. she actually said a lot of things about bodily consent and stuff that i’d already read in the book laziness does not exist, so it was sort of like affirmation and emphasis that those concepts are good, valid, and applicable to me.

she gave me some reassurance regarding my summer schedule. my alarm goes off at 6:20 every weekday morning so i can attend mass. (i’m an atheist, but the structure is very good for me.) but i’ve had some concerns that maybe waking up so early is unhealthy and also contributing to my sleep issues (i unintentionally wake up around 4 almost every morning, and i started to wonder if maybe that’s because my internal clock is anticipating waking up at 6:20). we discussed the pros and cons of waking up for mass in the morning, and she gave me her opinion that this schedule is probably good for me (she agreed with my pro/con assessment). and she also pointed out that i woke up at 6 every morning throughout high school without as much sleep issues, so it’s more likely that the sleep issues are from anxiety. (and i’m going on anxiety meds starting in early july, so we’re hopeful that that will help that a bit.) so yeah, i feel better about my mass schedule, and i feel reassurance that this is a reasonable and good plan. she also said that she was very proud that i had not only the idea to use morning mass as a source of structure but also the discipline to go every morning despite the early hour and despite the fact that i have no external force forcing me to go 🥺 which was nice to hear, because over years of having undiagnosed adhd, i received a lot of messaging that i lack self-discipline, so i was glad to hear the validation that she thinks i’m a disciplined person (at least regarding mass, lol)

we talked about my summer goals, and we talked about possible sources of non-stressful accountability. the current flexible plan is that i’ll keep track of everything i accomplish from that goal list and then share it with her at the end of each session so we can workshop what went well, why it went well, what i’m struggling with, and how i could maybe work through those things better.

i still feel very anxious about this whole therapy thing (i’m still very scared that i’m doing it wrong and not saying the right things), but i felt especially good after today’s session. like, i’ve been in therapy for 5 years. i felt like i plateaued in progress a while ago, so i’m really happy that i managed to get something out of today’s session!!!!! that hasn’t happened in so so long (low key if ever…..).

also. IM PROUD OF MYSELF for sharing stuff with her, correcting her when she misinterpreted one thing i said, and having a positive attitude about how today went 😎. and i’m proud of myself for fending off feelings of guilt that i spent so long typing this out (it’s not wasted time, because it’s helping me process what happened today), and i’m proud that i’m in a place where i’m open to going on anxiety meds.

my life is still a mess. i had a fun little breakdown not even an hour before the therapy session, in fact! but i’ve made some significant progress over these few months - i started meds, i switched therapists, and i started (and am sticking to) a new daily routine. and i had the courage to prioritize my health and cancel my summer semester classes, which was a really hard decision for me! oh, and i also finally published that smutty crucible fic that’s been in my wip folder for over a year!

my mental health is still extremely poor, lol. in fact, one could argue that i’ve regressed in many ways. but guess what bitch!! i don’t have skooter ankle ideation, and also, generally? IM MAKING PROGRESS. that’s what counts. i’m very happy about that, and i’m very proud of myself for that.

[homewecomesblog]

Backyard Healing Herbs The Best Health Tips

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