#to put me in a position of never settings boundaries with them bc then they would have an extreme fear reaction I was “leaving them”

[cervinelich]

"Everyone always leaves/abandons/rejects me =C" is such a huge red flag for me. Saw someone saying this on social media the other day and knee-jerk instinct was "blockblockblock"

[prince-liest]

I just wanna gush bc omg I love the 666 series so much. I think it made me realize I might be... furry-ish? adjacent? I just find it so satisfying how you go into detail about the unique body features of both of them, the way it feels to have deer ears or kiss a TV and just generally how much thought is put into the way their bodies work, and I've realized that my interest in that kind of idea is a pretty good reason to partake in more explicitly furry media lmao. Anyways

I'm also really in love with how you maintain the balance of each of their personality traits. Vox is simultaneously so pathetic and cringefail (also your dialogue for him is perfect, I can hear it crystal clear in my head) but also he has vastly more emotional intelligence than Alastor, no doubt at least in part because he has to deal with Val, and he's able to marginally calm down with his obsession to deal with sticky situations, but even then he still retains his personality and bumbles things sometimes because of the flaws in said personality! It's great. I also really appreciate the balance you've struck with Alastor, I feel like often Alastor is either written to either soften up so immediately that it feels disconnected from his character or is written overly mean and heartless for my liking and the way you've written him is such a delicious balance between softer aspects such as the prey instincts or moments of vulnerability and his untouchable and manipulative self, and also the way this side of him is neither written as wholly a front or wholly his real nature and the complex ways this makes him struggle with his increasing vulnerability. TL;DR arghgr your characterization is so good it makes me go a little feral

Also while I'm here, I'm curious whether you can give an answer to the degree to which Alastor is touch-averse. There's obviously a lot of ways in which he fundamentally dislikes touch but it also seems like there's at least some kinds of touch where he doesn't dislike the touch itself so much as he's afraid of the way it brings about feelings of caring and/or enjoyment being cared for. I'm curious how much, in general, you would say his touch aversion comes from either cause and possibly what kinds of touch do/don't provoke those flavors of aversion

Omg, what a lovely ask to receive. Honestly, everything you said that you enjoy about how I characterize these two is very much what I've been actively gunning for, so it's an absolute delight to see it outlined back to me. Success!!! Thank you so much!

And ahaha - I'm not a furry but I fucking love inhuman characters. Being raised in the pits of Homestuck fantroll RP made me enjoy the whole "they're bug/fish aliens" thing and it definitely rears its head again any time I encounter characters with inhuman qualities. I love writing Vox's TV/computer-ness and Alastor's deer and radio bits, and integrating them into who they now are as people.

As for Alastor's touch-aversion: It's funny that you ask about this, because the next chapter of 666 is going to dive into it a bit. Specifically into the fact that it's not, like, a set of boundaries that is consistently defined, and I write him that way on purpose. The very first time he and Vox sleep together, Alastor bottoms. He becomes significantly less amenable to touch after he goes through an uncomfortable rut cycle that gets sexual. By the time Vox convinces Alastor to fuck him, Alastor would never let Vox do that again and frankly only agrees to topping because Vox gave him an option that didn't involve getting his dick out. Then in the next episode, they're having clothes-off sexual contact. So, what gives?

Things that play into Alastor's willingness to touch and be touched as far as Vox is concerned:

How does he see Vox at that point in time? Disgustingly entitled (ew)? Hilariously beneath him (haha who cares)?

Does he care about what Vox thinks of him? Does Vox touching him draw his attention to positive or negative assumptions he has about Vox's perspective on doing so?

What value has he attached to this particular touch in the power balance of their relationship? Is he humoring Vox? Does he assume Vox thinks he's owed this? Does he perceive it as something Vox is genuinely doing for him?

Has he tried this particular kind of touch before? He's pretty willing to experiment, but that doesn't mean he'll do something twice without a compelling reason if he didn't like it the first time.

Is he getting off on this situation sexually? If so, is it fully willing (read: not a byproduct of uncomfortable hormones) on his part? That only really happens when he's in a submissive role and Vox is hitting a few very specific kinks, a major one of which is basically CNC tilted 30 degrees to the left.

Is he enjoying the touch in platonic ways? How does he feel about that? Is it a vulnerability to want something? Is it feeding his ego to be catered to? Is he worried that what he enjoys platonically is being read into in ways he doesn't like?

Is he fucking drunk? Things that bother you when sober often seem like a non-issue when you're not, both on a physical and emotional level.

How much touching has been happening recently? Has he hit his limit? Did he deliberately put himself into a situation earlier to have his limit be hit and surpassed, and now he's in the aftermath?

He does have a certain fundamental purely physical dislike of touch, but it's something that is really affected by how he perceives each individual situation as well as his relationship with Vox at that time, and his previous experiences!

[johannestevans]

thinking a lot about boundaries and expectations and like.

the way that "setting boundaries" can be used as a way to set restrictions on the extent to which another person is permitted to have emotions or express those emotions

and especially the way that those boundaries can be established not only as one-sided, but as a way of like. punishing people for asking for change or expressing hurt with how you've tread them or continuing to treat them

idk i'm in a position now where i'm sort of. out of quite an unhealthy situation where several ppl have been pretty hostile to like. my having emotional needs or responding to abusive treatment, and like

idk. none of the people involved are acting truly maliciously, none of them are doing it out of a desire to harm anybody, myself included - it's a combo of like. repeating abusive cycles and patterns in past relationships

and then also just. several people who are unfortunately just. too focused on their own feelings to the exclusion of other peoples', and like. bc they're focused to such an extent on "having space" with their feelings

they're not like. actually reaching out to the people they're having feelings about? not me, not anybody? and it's just that thing of like. if i do something harmful or that feels malicious, i can't apologise for it or clarify it

and then bc i'm like. the singular person who's been pushed to the outside as punishment for saying like. hi, don't shout or scream at me, please work to make me feel cared for and considered in our relationships, do not try to control or "set boundaries" about my relationships with other people or how i act in my own life

whereas for them it's three or four people talking about how malicious or unkind i am, none of them actually talking to me, but just talking in circles about me whilst never talking to me to clarify like

how i feel, especially about the exclusion and social punishment like. they're able to construct a version of me that's pretty separate from the reality, and i'm robbed of humanity? i'm not able to be complex or flawed in the way that they are as individuals in this collective

instead i'm just like. one outsider who is the enemy and can be retroactively considered to always have been the enemy

idk i know that polycule drama isn't new, and that esp when we all have mental illnesses and our own responses to like. anxiety and intimate relationships that might trigger old traumas and bad coping mechanisms like

sometimes shit like this happens, where it's genuinely not people being intentionally malicious or cruel, but it is ultimately doing a lot of harm to others

idk. i've been excluded from a group of people where like. one guy built up and built up resentment toward one trans girl before making her homeless, and then as soon as she was gone, the resentment and social exclusion was turned to me instead

and then in a few more months i'm sure that the like. insiders-vs-outsiders thinking will turn and cannibalise someone else from their social circle, and so on and so forth

and as shitty as this stuff is, it's really difficult to view it objectively from within - and as soon as you try to view it objectively from within, or talk about the genuine harms and risks caused, you become an interruption to the insiders-thinking

so you become a target for exclusion, because you're interrupting the function of or the feelings of the group, and you then become the enemy.

idk. more intelligent and better put-together people than me have talked at length about the connection between domestic abuse and coercive control within intimate relationships and cult behaviours, and obvs with a polycule like

the potential for that cult-like behaviour just becomes heavily exacerbated simply because there's more vectors for it.

idk. i'm sad bc i feel quite used and taken advantage of, and at the same time like a lot of people i love and care for are thinking of me in a way that's really dehumanising, and especially then like

accusing me of being "unwell" whilst not like. talking about ways in which their behaviours have contributed to my mental ill health? esp bc like.

bc after all of the talk of boundaries and "harm" when it comes to expressing one's own feelings, i've been so anxiously aware of overstepping that i'd literally be leaving these people alone for weeks and weeks at a time

where no care would be extended toward me, no one would check in, any hanging out had to be like. aggressively labelled as "casual" and you're not allowed to talk about any of the harmful or shitty stuff, because that ruins the vibe

so it feels like rather than being said out of care or concern for me, i'm being labelled as "unwell" as a way to like. make my responses to abusive treatment automatically irrational, and all of my feelings as worthy of dismissal?

like i've effectively been labelled as a hysteric and told to go to a professional, but even if the waiting list for free counselling was open tomorrow and i went to a counsellor and said

hi, i've been in a relationship with some of these people for a long time, these are things they've done that have made me feel distressed or upset, i have tried to express my feelings in x or y way, the response has been this

any professional worth their salt is gonna say like. well you should work on cultivating other relationships where you feel safe, cared for, respected, and loved.

you should feel safe and free to set reasonable boundaries and expectations, and respect those set by others, without feeling what's being limited is your humanity or your response to abusive or coercive behaviours

and that any relationships that feel so like. distinctly weighted in the favour of the other person to your detriment - especially when it's a group of people who have decided together you're worthy of punishment - should be avoided

idk. i think i probs want to write on this more and maybe do a big personal essay about it because i know it will feel cathartic even if i don't publish it widely or publish it under a pseudonym

and i'm just like. very aware of my own flaws and my own issues, and whilst i do think i'm ultimately like. being treated very poorly here, it's not a black and white thing of people desiring me to be hurt or treated poorly

it's far more a thing of like. not caring that i'm hurt or being treated poorly - or anyone else who's an outsider - because what has become more important is the good of the "group"

and that just. sucks.

it sucks when you realise that like. you can neither reason with the people who you thought loved you, nor connect to them emotionally and with mutual care, because they no longer extend that respect to you, nor feel in extending that vulnerability to you

it's a very profound sense of loss, and i know i'll be grieving it for a while

[evansbby]

Hey everyone 💜 This is just something personal I thought I’d share. For no reason, really, except I felt like I wanted to and that I should. I’ve never shared this with anyone before and there’s really no purpose to this except I just wanted to write it all down. Please don’t reblog! (Not that anyone would lmao, but just saying). tw: suicide mention

A few years ago, when I was about 17/18, I was quite active on tumblr in a different fandom (not this blog, this is a sideblog that used to be empty and was one of my saved urls before I started posting on here in Feb of last year. Anyways, there was this one person whom I befriended on tumblr and we used to talk on messages like every day. And it got so unhealthy, to the point where I’d feel bad if I was online and didn’t reply to them, and felt like I always had to reply to them or else they’d get passive aggressive? I remember once I told them something along the lines of “hey! maybe it’d be okay if we… didn’t talk every day? like we’d still be friends, friends don’t have to talk every single day” and oh my gosh, they got so passive aggressive about it and made me feel so so guilty that I took it all back. I remember crying actual real tears over this, which is so crazy thinking back. Now, this person wasn’t a bad person and I wish them all the best in whatever they’re doing now and honestly don’t really have any ill feeling towards them. What I’m saying is that I was not emotional equipped or mature enough to be dealing with something like that. And then I remember another person (completely unrelated to this first person) randomly messaged me one day all like “you never speak to me, I thought we were friends!” And wrote all these paragraphs talking about how I don’t speak to them when we were never really close to begin with? And yet I let myself feel bad once more. I just did not have the emotional maturity to be creating boundaries online and all of this was a result of that. So I took a break from tumblr and I remember crying real tears and having a panic attack in the toilet and hoping these people would forgive me for taking a break. A BREAK FROM A DAMN WEBSITE. and then I came back a while later and I had my boundaries set very VERY high.

Which is still true now. Like, I never expected this blog to blow up as much as it has or the sheer volume of asks and messages I get every single day. (Not showing off but idk how else to put it). And I love it, like I love this type of interaction and I feel like this fandom is so much friendlier and healthier than any previous fandoms I’ve been in. Yet a lot of the time I still feel like an outsider, like I have this imposter syndrome. Like all these other blogs are all friends and I’m just there like 🧍🏻lmao. But I feel like that’s bc I’m still so wary bc of what I’ve been through on this website in the past. Like I’ve put up these high walls and I get anxious that a repeat of something like what happened before, will happen again. I feel like I’ve matured from that experience enough to set my boundaries so that I don’t EVER find myself in a position that I’m crying over someone being passive aggressive to me online (although I doubt that would ever happen again, I was like 18 when that happened and I was emotionally a child). And I feel like this is partly why I get overwhelmed so easily when my messages pile up that I just leave them ignored — bc i know this sounds deep and weird but I said to myself that the moment this stops being fun, I need to delete this app bc it’s not worth my mental health.

And it was only much later, when tiktok became a thing and people started sharing their experiences about how they were 12/13/14 and on tumblr trying to persuade a fully grown adult not to unalive themselves, that I realised that so many people have had similar toxic experiences on tumblr. Having grown people trauma dump on you through dm and you feel so guilty and don’t know how to cut them off and you think it’s a true friendship when really it’s not.

Idk why I’m sharing this except for the fact that I just had to write it down. And it still makes me anxious now, as much as I try to deny it. Then I have to remind myself that I’m a grown ass 23 year old now who will never have to go through experiences like that again, bc I am in charge of who I talk to. And this is why I kind of just… am so nervous about talking to people sometimes. Although tbh as I said before, this fandom has been so good to me. Like everyone is so nice and understanding of boundaries and I really love that. I’m happy to be a part of this community and I want to be everyone’s friend but I’m just so in my own head about it. Idk if I’m even making sense anymore, I just feel that a lot of the time I have to second-guess every interaction I make bc I don’t want people to hate me or take my humour the wrong way or find me annoying. Like, that’s my other biggest fear. Or rather, my default feeling: that people on here find my annoying lmao. And I’m not looking for sympathy, and I’ve said this before and y’all amazing people have reassured me that I’m not. But I’m just writing my feels down rn bc it’s kinda therapeutic idk. And idk how to end this so I guess I’ll just end it here lmao. Anyways

[ahundredtimesover]

Apart from your writing I like how calmly and positively you reply to your ask. Like I follow u on regular basis especially now when u r delivering us a beautiful story. I have come across many ask where readers ask u about your schedule to post and u so sweetly reply them or if anyone ask for update u reply saying u r trying and understand that people r liking your story and r just eager to read. It’s their love for u. I get it there r different kind of people and some must be putting pressure on you to update fast and what not. But I really appreciate your this quality of being patient with us reader. And believe me there r some writers here who threaten their readers to stop posting and reply to ever ask rudely. I know these writers r doing it for free but then also no one asked you to start writing and then when u get popular u can’t bully your readers. Sorry to rant to you about this but the positivity I get at your page I do not see anywhere else. Also I am sure the writer I am talking about most will agree with me she has got a very popular fic going on from like 2-3 year.

Hi, anon! Just want to let you know that I appreciate your appreciation! ☺️ It’s a little tough now bc this is the first time I’m posting something without a clear schedule; those who’ve followed me a while know that I always have posting dates so I think it was also natural for some to ask that. Yes, there’s a bit of pressure. But like you said, I just look at it from the perspective that people like the story and are eagerly waiting for it.

It’s also worth noting that I haven’t had any rude asks about updates. I think I set my boundaries pretty well and people have been so lovely and understanding about it 💕 Also, I’m with you guys! You have no idea how many times I tell myself to write faster and update more quickly bc I’m excited 😂 I also know what it’s like to put out a story that people didn’t get that excited about or ask for updates (Belong, you’ll always be loved 😔) but I’m also taking my time bc it’s a very important piece of work for me. At the end of the day, it’s a story that I believe in - which is why it’s out in the first place - and I’ll never hold that hostage. It’s the most I can do! I write bc it’s fun and it allows me to connect with people and I’m missing the tannies so badly and this is one way to deal with all that.

I can only speak for myself but writing is hard. There’s a piece of me in everything. Yes, I do this for free. But you guys also spend time reading it and some, replying and sending asks (even when you’re shy!) or messages, or reblogging with your comments. And I’ll always be thankful 💕there’s so much sadness from the state of the world and from missing the boys and I just want to be happy in my little space. I’m just glad you’re here with me 🫶🏼

[ohgodimafraud]

snzfet discourse/setting boundaries

This has been bothering me for such a long time, but I haven’t had the time to sit down and write it out, so if you’re not interested in snzfet discourse pls move on. That’s also the theme of this post.

Last month (I think?) I saw a thread about hot takes being taken down by a few people who were saying it’s ruining their safe space. The replies on the thread were like “hot take I like mess.” “Hot take I hate mess.” “Hot take, I hate baby talk in fics.” “Hot take I like stifles or hate them.” “HOT TAKE I LIKE THE CHOO BETTER TTHAN THE AHHH” 

It was people literally expressing their opinions and personal preferences. And people became angry and personally offended.

We are all adults here. If you have problems setting boundaries for yourselves, that is a YOU problem. You don’t get to harass others into taking down a harmless post about general preferences and possibly unpopular opinions. Two people saying they don’t prefer a long buildup or some shit when 60+ other ppl like it should not cause extreme drama. I don’t know who these people think they are like “I feel upset by a topic bc of my own personal issues so YOU and EVERYONE ELSE are the problem.” 

It’s one thing to say hey can we please tag emet in this community since it’s a big trigger for many ppl. That’s so reasonable. Can we tag mental health stuff. Can we tag the panorama discussion. What’s not okay is to say, hey can you not say your personal opinion on Ah Choo bc it makes me feel sad :/ That’s called like scroll past.

I think people don’t understand what setting boundaries is. It’s not telling people what to post. It’s saying to yourself, this upsets me and I will scroll past. I will mute these tags. Maybe I will block this blog for a week. It is your responsibility as a fully grown adult to do this, and if you can’t, then probably you should seek help. i’m in therapy it does gr8 things. I literally hear family members talking about the most queerphobic things constantly and have to set my boundaries by leaving the space or putting in headphones. I don’t want to hear that someone saying i like cough sneezes makes you feel icky inside and the person who said they like it is EVIL

This is tumblr. Everyone is entitled to having their own blog with their own posts, thoughts, stories, and opinions.This is not the sneeze fetish forum. (Also even the sneeze fetish forum had a snake pit for venting and objectively I have never seen anything like that happen on snzblr.) If you want a moderated space, go to the forum. I was a mod for like 5+ years, and there has always been some sort of preference topic, likes/dislikes, turn ons/off topic on the forum. This is nothing new. I swear to god my brain cells were killing themselves reading the discourse around such a mundane topic. Literally go touch grass.

You make your own safe space by following people you like, by contributing positively to the community, by blocking content you don’t like. You make this space unsafe for others when you dogpile them into deleting their content.

[formerlyknownas-delight]

I planned to bring my diary but forgot so here goes

I haven’t been in contact with my grandmother for a couple of years now. And honestly it’s a relief.

But it’s also messy bc she doesn’t accept that boundary I set, and (and this i realized only recently) because it doesn’t fit an orderly narrative of “rightwing relative uninvited queer person from holidays due to homophobia”.

She keeps opening the metaphorical door for me, pressuring me into making peace with her neonazi son, forcing hugs and gifts and conversations about forgiveness and tolerance upon me that I have to perpetually reject. So over and over, I am put in the role of the coldhearted agressor who shuts out family members “for nothing but different opinions”. Meanwhile she and my uncle can be oh so civil and accepting of my lifestyle, because, after all they never “did” anything wrong to me or anyone specific. She did come to my wedding! He would have, too! So why oh why must I be so cruel and narrowminded to shut them out?! Just because he is a literal, electable candidate of a far-right party that works to pull the carpet out from under me and people I love and that wouldn’t have given me any civil rights to begin with if they had a say??? And rationally I know that is bullshit, and that I did my best to explain my position several times and that it is she who just won’t listen to anything I said. That it should go without explanation that I obviously can’t have a positive relationship with people who hold such opinions and do actual hateful activism. And yet, emotionally, it’s difficult to feel in the right if she so convincingly plays the hurt and wronged party. What morally good granddaughter would behave the way I do despite being given so many upportunities to make peace, after all? I myself don’t know how to hold that in my brain, despite being on my side. No conclusion, just my most recent thoughts on why I still spend hours lying awake about this.

[moodymeangirl]

a letter to my ex-chosen-sibling that, at least for now, i will not send

need to save this but don't want it my notes app or in drafts where could accidentally send. so it's going here. ik it's dumb to post on tumblr and simeltabeously ask ppl not to read it. i just needed it said and written. i don't mind if moots see it, but pls bare in mind it's for an irl situation that contains lots of deep soul pain, and involves 2 complex and flawed humans, who are no longer going to be friends but who both deserve good and happy life and who are not monoliths of either harm or good.

Letter begins under cut

Hey. I am getting these messages, but as you know I was away camping over the weekend.

This series of communications (following an extended period of being ghosted without explanation or warning) has had a catastrophic effect on my wellbeing and stability.

I have tried my best to be supportive, did what I could, and asked others to check in on you.

The people I asked to check in on you have both informed me that you're telling them you're fine, not in danger; okay.

I can't cope being on my own supporting you through this, while our mutuals friends laugh it off and treat me like im crazy for taking your wellbeing seriously.

I feel that you want and/or need my support but for whatever reason you don't actually like me or want to be my friend anymore. So you're comfortable pretending I'm crazy for taking you seriously, you're comfortable putting me in emotionally torturous positions, and you're comfortable exploiting my love and loyalty to you, to get what you need.

You've chosen - as u have consistently in the last year of our friendship - to put me in an extremely cruel and traumatic position.

In the last year or so you've suddenly started to behave as though you dislike me, while telling me to my face that you love me and everything is normal:

1. Demonising my autism

2. characterising me as a liar & abuser when u don't understand my autism. deciding you can tell how im feeling better than me, refusing to accept my honesty.

3. admitting in therapy to having a bigotry against autistic people, refusing to prove ur doing the work (as Jan requested of u), and continuing to demonise anything you perceive as autistic that i do.

4. simultaneously taking advantage of my autism/blind trust/gullibility to gaslight and convince me im okay with being treated as ur infrior, and as a bomb thats inevitably going to explode.

5. u went out of your way to convince me im inherently abusive and while i went out of my mind trying to fix myself in therapy, you

6. are consistently absent from therapy. i am committed and have been since the start and u dont turn up, refuse to share progress, and have never once apologised for the continuing bigotry you admitted to in the space, soon after which you stopped attending.

7. Crushing any boundary I try to set and using our therapy to reinforce this pattern. Jan asked me to set a boundary. You agreed to my face, in front of Jan and the first time it came up irl you ignored it, ghosted me for a week, and only talked to me again once you had devised a new boundary of your own, which specfically existed to destory mine. You then entered the joint therapy space and somehow convinced Jan (who had asked me to set the boundary in the first plsce) to encourage me to accept that my boundaries are less important than yours. That my respect of you is paramount but your respect for me is immaterial.

8. Most egregiously: leveraging ur very real safety concerns in a largely successful attempt to remove my equality and autonomy ie phone mumbers, chats, email. Telling me to my face and in therapy repeatedly, that I can't be allowed to contact you bc of security whilst simultaneously having me introduce you to and fetch numbers for my best friends, who you immediately created signal chats with right in front of my face.

You gaslit me, insisted everything was normal, you called me 'sister and said that you loved me. All while forcing me to accept being an uneuqal and your inferior, within the structure of our friendship.

I only ever get to speak to you when you need my help, support, or resources. If I need my chosen sibling, my best friend, I have to cry myself to sleep wishing you'd happen to call.

If you felt any kind of negativity towards me during a call you'd hang up and ghost me, knowing how that tortures me - and frankly not caring.

You would ghost me for weeks, months knowing I was worried for you. You would wait till I was begging on email (that u mostly ignored) to finally speak to me again and you would happily listen as I expressed gratitude to hear your voice. You enforced a structural silent treatment, a deliberate emotional abuse, and you never once allowed me to express pain from this, without hanging up and enacting that torture all over again.

These last 2 months while u refused to contact me, give me any explanation, or talk to me directly at all - you knew the last I'd heard from Jan is that you were still medically incapacitated. You knew I'd be caring and worried. You knew all that time I was in contact w C, literally advocating for u in direct contact w police. And u just ghosted me, regardless.

The reason why I finally got too stressed about your wellbeing btw, is that L had an accident from which they should have died. I'd have loved to speak to my best friend when I was sobbing my eyes out waiting to see their mri, but instead I was completely alone.

Having faced their mortality, all I could think about was you. I genuinely believed you were so sick from covid that you couldn't contact me. I thought you, too, might be in an ICU somewhere, dying.

How lovely to find out was right to be worried, that ur life was in danger, and that my instincts that u felt unsaid negative things toward me - were all true.

How lovely to be exploited, bullied, and tortured for months, then ghosted. Then when I reach out, worried sick for your wellbeing: metaphorically tied to a chair while u threaten suicide, not so I can't stop you - but because if I was near you, you'd be in danger.

I plead with you to live and I start to hope you will.

I see familiar faces nearby so I scream to them, I'm screaming to them that you're in danger im begging them to help you.

But you tell them you're fine. You convince them nothing's wrong.

They see an unstable, dangerous MMG.

Why is she so worried lol?

I'm the only one who knows and is trying to help and you've keep me tied up, all I can do is watch and desperately obey whatever u want me to do.

U say Covenant is the only thing that helps, will I help you with it. I help you to the very best of my ability, while crying and losing my mind with worry.

You thank me for my generous choice to be 'thorough'.

Suddenly, after months of complete disinterest in me as a person u wanna laugh together about ppl in ur group.

U wanna know what im writing.

Ur telling me if I'm your friend, you're unsafe. Ur telling me if I be your friend then you'll stay alive. Ur telling anyone I express my care for you to, that you're fine.

9. And now, suddenly , after ghosting me for 60+ days in a row (and hundreds of days combined over the last year), you're in my inbox sarcastically suggesting I might be dead, bc I didn't respond to u for like a day and a half - when u know I'm camping, out of town, likely without reception.

Ftr, it seems obvious to me now but when u sent 'are u ther' I had no idea what you meant, replied within an hour, and waited on tenterhooks to see what u meant.

When u did reply, I couldn't bc we were packing and my phone was dead most of the time. I saw the icon when I did turn it on, but only had minimal internet and already needed to zoom my psychiatrist from the tiny lil shed where there was a wall charger.

I was on less than one bar and one percent.

On Tuesday I slept most of the day, exhausted. And when I saw two emails had appeared from you I had a panic attack. If not for L offering to call, I might have been too scared to read them.

Colour me surprised, to find you being rude and sarcastic bc I didn't get back to you after one solitary day - after u had repeatedly and deliberately ghosted me dozens of times in the last six months.

The most recent email, to which I'm replying here, confirmed all my instincts and fears, and experiences.

10. The whole reason on which you predicated the necessity of my unequal treatment in our friendship is that if I (or anyone) has the ability to contact you, your safety will be compromised.

You had spent months bullying me into accepting this via therapy, via demonising my autism and gaslighting me into thinking I'm an inherently harmful person (something you know my dad used to control and abuse me as a child), via telling me I'm doing DV to you when u don't like my tone, via starving me of affection and attention, via only being warm to me if I was supporting you through something.

You had spent months subjecting me to a structurally enforced silent treatment, only punctuated by indirect news of serious sickness, which began with no warning and ended with no explanation.

While I cried myself to sleep imagining you dying alone in an ICU, too weak to move - you happily operated signal chats with my best friends.

I vouched for you to them using our decade of trust and love, i wlecomed you into my home repeatedly, my community spaces, and went out of my way to help your support network expand.

All the while i did this, you ghosted me, let me think you were ill, and expected that my significant support would continue regardless. At this same time, you were 'excited for the future, planning to visit' S in her home country. These plans we all made together were suddenly something you did quietly on your own, while ignoring my existence and letting me believe u were incapacitated by illness.

I only found out bc I was so unwell these last weeks that S let slip. She couldn't understand why I was acting as though this was an emergency, bc in her world you were actively planning future holidays and being excited.

Ftr, S still doesn't think this was an emergency.

She stopped talking to me after repeatedly assuring me I could confide in her, and eventually explained she felt helpless in the face of my stress. Her boundaries now involve me not expressing the extent of my panic that you're going to die.

I have been screaming myself hoarse trying to get people to take me seriously. But they can't. My friendships with both C and S will never be the same bc they are both certain ur fine. C even said u were completely 'normal'.

And meanwhile, I'm trapped, bound to that chair trying desperately to be supportive, deal with my own hurt and heartbreak at how little you think of or care for me, and find the strength to work on repairing my friendship with S, even tho the wound isn't something I knew about or put there - until it suddenly became my responsibility to fix.

All because you, for some reason, would prefer to torture emotional and social support out of me - while continuing to demonise me - than to like, ask.

Like you could just ask. Me or others. There's doesn't have to be love, friendship, or strings.

You could even just be honest and say you haven't liked me for ages now, but you need my help.

You could respect that both of us are unhappy in the friendship by acknowledging that, and then being clear about what's happening.

You don't need to coerce me into helping u with Covenant and then gaslight me that I chose to.

You don't need to love bomb after i help, you don't need to speak in that whole StatementDemandStatementDemand pattern that is all through the rest of these emails.

You don't need to hide your struggle from the people you do treat with respect (S, C, even J).

11. idk if it was cowardice or you just don't care. But your choice not to tell me how you really feel, while showing me that you hate me in your actions - for at least the last six months, maybe longer tbh - has broken my heart. Fully, probs irreparably.

12. You would've gotten away with it, if L hadn't almost died that week.

If Ba hadn't almost died the next night.

If I hadn't been so scared for you I started to try and find a way for u to hear me, after months of enforced silence.

Idk if u replied bc I talked to C, S, or J, or bc I said I'd come to ur house. Or bc u simply happened to be logged in and have to sit with the fact that I exist for the first time in months.

Idk.

You might even have been thinking of me a lot in that time. Idk. Bc it doesn't matter, bc what you did was:

make and keep me unequal in our friendship, ignore my existence unless u needed to use me, enforced this any time you felt even the slightest negative feeling.

Idk what you thought you were doing, but what you *were* doing was breaking my heart.

13. You havent gotten away with it. Bc of what you chose to do, knowing - years ago having promised to never put me in a position where I'm the only person who knows you're suicidal, ever again - you chose to do so.

Knowing that with our history I would take you extremely seriously.

Knowing that you would cause a serious ptsd episode.

You knowingly broke a boundary you yourself set, to safeguard me, bc you knew if you did I'd take you seriously, go into emergency mode, and offer support.

On its own this is manipulative and deliberately disrespecting my boundaries, but in an emergency, I get it.

I don't forgive u but I understand.

What I don't understand is how cruelly you had treated me up till this point and how you continued to choose the cruellest option as we emailed.

14. Knowing our past, you lied to our other friends that you're okay. Still letting them laugh at me and think I'm crazy, while I'm begging them to help me try to keep you alive.

You knew. And still, you did it.

You chose not simply to break that boundary, but to actively trap me inside that unsafe situation, refusing care from others until those people turned on me for daring to ask.

You chose to do this, while ensuring I know I'm unsafe for you to be friends with.

You scared me, incapacitated me, and when I attempted to gather more supports for you - you lied to them, effectively muzzling me in all three friendships.

You then coerced me into helping you, attempted rather blatantly to gaslight me into thinking it was something I had a choice in, attempted to love bomb me, and then went right back to StatementDemandStatementDemand when it was clear your manipulation wasn't working.

15. I was doing the helping tho. Like that's what I don't get. I was seeing thru the manipulation but I still gave my best attempt at support.

I rly don't understand why, if u don't want to be my friend but u do want to ask for my support as a community member - why you didn't just do that?

You know my values. You know I'd have helped.

16. The emotional torture was completely unnecessary and completely unacceptable.

17. Frankly, the emotional torture tactics you've used on me for long time now are completely unnecessary and completely unacceptable.

18. The ways you have consistently treated me within the last year of our friendship has been flat out wrong.

19. Hypocritical too. Which I guess was just part of the gaslighting, huh:

You had so much anger on my behalf toward F and then went on to do the same thing ten times more often and ten times worse.

You had so much anger on my behalf at ld while simultaneously demonising accusing me, and abusing me in exactly the same ways. You spent 6 months trying to gaslight me into believing I'm inherently harmful, just by existing. Id only did that once.

You've enacted it dozens and dozens of times.

Sadly, both of you did it for the same reason.

I rejected Id sexually and suddenly I had to be shown my place.

I rejected the role you wanted me to play in our friendship (inferior, doesnt have own needs, obedient), so you had to show me my place.

The difference is Id's was an outburst, yours was a plan.

20. But no, you haven't gotten away with any of this because I can see clearly now.

I knew these tortures and manipulations and gaslightings were based on lies.

But now I can prove it.

You leveraged almost the entirety of the issues in our friendship (minus my own flaws which haven't repeated since the first time, and which ive been working hard on in therapy while youve been absent) on the lie that if there was structural equality in our friendship, if I was allowed to be equally free and autonomous, then your safety would be compromised.

Now I knew that was a lie, ever since you had me watch you set up chats with the only other ppl i love, people you'd known two weeks, people I encouraged you to make friends with. But u think so little of me, u made me get the numbers, made me watch, made my heart break, and then gaslit me into accepting the ludicrous lie that was apparently about your past, but suddenly wasnt a necessary safety measure for anyone except me - the one person who knows that shit fr and who u actually can trust not breach it.

Bro, u could literally have just said it was about me, that you felt unsafe.

You would have hurt me, but at least it would have been true.

On the other hand if i knew you didnt like me, want to be my friend, you wouldnt have had access to my ftiends in the first place.

Not thru malice, just youd have had to make those friendships without my vouching for u.

You knew you could abuse me, control me, get me to accept it, and u felt safe I'd never tell - so u just did it.

All the while leveraging ur irl safety issues that r very serious.

It's just like, disgusting of you.

You went out of your way to harm my soul at every opportunity.

You consistently chose to keep my friendship to you, while doing anything you could to get me to accept receiving nothing from you in return.

The easiest way to do that was to make me believe I'm abusing u based solely on my neurotype, ie born this way, and that I was lucky you were even in my life at all.

So you did that.

Did you get what you wanted from me? Was it worth destroying somebody's love for you? Was it worth destroying your closest friend?

21. I'm guessing no, bc it's rly hard to convince someone they're something they're not.

Like you did a good job in terms of me obeying you and never speaking up in therapy and saying the right things.

But in my mind, I knew I didn't deserve to be hurt like this.

Parts of the system started to put ptsd blocks up around you, and eveytime we masked what was rly happening in our friendship w you, we edged closer to telling someone.

By putting us in such a traumatic position

(trapped witnessing ur possible death, being told the mechanisms I would usually use to help, make u unsafe, and u telling everyone willing to reach out to u that you're fine - except me, this person ur treating like u hate)

you exposed us to a level of emergency clarity we wouldn't have had access to otherwise.

22. You predicated all of this, all this shit, on the 'fact' that if I could contact u, you'd be in danger.

And then, I took a day to reply one time and suddenly ur sarcastic abt whether Im alive. Sibling, I cried myself to sleep for months with genuine reason to be concerned for ur health.

U decide u want my attention and bc of extenuating circumstances (that u knew abt in advance) u had to wait a day and a half to use me aaaaand

Suddenly u have a phone.

Suddenly u want me call you on it.

Suddenly ur not in danger if i do, suddenly doing so is good.

You think so fundamentally little of me that after all the pain over this damn phone thing, I'm going to forget and come running desperate for a scrap of affection or gratitide.

Suddenly u want me, an 'unsafe' person, to contact u directly.

Suddenly, suddenly suddenly.

23. None of this was safety shit was true from the moment you asked me for J's number and still wouldn't let us have a signal chat.

You're not over me, not better than me, not my superior.

I was under the impression that after 10+ years of being best friends that you viewed me as (at bare minimum) an equal.

You do not.

You use me, when u need me you say you love me and refer to my being your sister.

When you don't, you abandon me to a silent treatment you designed so that I could not escape.

24. I've showed all ur and my messages to L , S2, and my mum.

They all unprompted and without explanation of the messages from me, said they felt I was being exploited and lied to.

All three of them voiced concerns that you have in fact lied to me about being suicidal, not to S and C about being okay.

25. I don't believe that. For all the harm, I actually know y'all pretty damn well.

I think you're suffering and have been for some time.

I think you want my friendship and support but for a long time now, have not wanted to be my friend yourself.

I think that you don't want to show S or C your vulnerability and mental illness bc you're afraid they'll judge you and leave, as others unfairly have.

I think you felt that respecting me by being honest ie friendship, was too risky that you would hurt my feelings and lose my support.

I think parts of you also feared losing the ease with which you could access the communities I belong to, the people I had introduced you to, and the generosity with which I share my resources with you, almost to a fault.

Not that you'd lose the people, the spaces. Just the ease of access, and my money (of which u know there is very little).

26. But whatever reasons got you there, you decided to break almost every basic tenet of friendship: dishonesty, cruelty, gasligjting, manipulation, bullying, and humiliating.

You kept me around to service you financially and emotionally and you used my vulnerability in therapy, my vulnerability in introducing you to the other people I live, and my vulnerability in having built a decades worth of family level trust.

You abused it and you abused me.

You broke my heart a thousand times and encouraged me to blame myself.

Finally, you were in enough pain to notice my worry for you.

You put me in an emotional saw trap, so that I would help you - with no regard for my wellbeing, or the truth of your wellbeing, so long as you could control me.

27. Finally, you couldn't even live through my phone being out of service for 2 days without ironically cruelly and sarcastically laughing about whether im alive. 60 days u ghosted me without the merest hint of caring how i felt.

28. But 2 days of knowing im away, that i cant be perfectly obedient in how i communicate, and u go mask off.

Tore down the entire paradigm of gaslighting u had used to make me accept being unequal, bc you think so fundamentally little of me, that you think I'll come running begging for scraps of ur attention, begging to destroy my own life, stabity, and health for the privilege of being threatened that if I don't, I'l contribute to ending yours.

29. IF. IF it turns out you are/were not suicidal, as you told me, and are okay as you told C and S. Then you and I both know, that would make you pretty much evil. That'd be like. Idek...

You saw my email, decided to deliberately trigger a severe ptsd episode, while pushing me towards an existential crisis of identity knowing I'm autistically and DID-ly susceptible to suggestion and knowing I'd be in emergency mode bc of the risk of ur death?

If that's what happened. I just. I don't believe you'd do that. To me, to anyone. That can't possibly be true.

30. I don't think you'd do that, tho. Not even L.

I think:

y'all were in pain and generally don't care about me.

But I emailed that day and u happened to be logged in, so u saw an opportunity to receive emergency care, without needing to respect the person giving it.

In the last year, y'all have inexplicably become comfortable emotionally torturing us, to get what you want. Idk why, can't explain it.

And y'all have consistently lied to us, and bullied us into accepting it as normal.

31. Well. Game over. You took it too far and your cruelty towards me is visible now.

I feel like I thought we were friends - best friends - but rly you haven't been my friend for a long time.

Just that nobody told me, so I kept loving and being heartbroken and loving and being broken again.

This feels like when my dad cheated on my mum but then claimed with a straight face that she had ended their relationship by choosing not to accept that behaviour.

33. You ended our friendship the moment you gaslit me into accepting inequality.

34. Again when I was encouraged in therapy to accept that I'm not allowed boundaries.

35. Then, again when you ghosted for 2 months,

36. again when simultaneously you were happily carrying out a social life with my loved ones that I was explicitly excluded from while I was ghosted,

37. again when u broke ur promise and put me back into an identical situation as last time (the difference being u chose this one, last time was chance),

38. again when you lied to other supports who I asked to check in,

39. again when u coerced me to help u live then acted like I was just being a nice person after I complied.

And I wanted to help, btw, I'm glad u asked. But u acted like I hadn't been tied to a chair this whole time.

Like I wasn't losing my entire mind with fear of you passing away, like I wasn't questioning every element of my personhood to figure out if I did help, would I inadvertently kill you just by being me?

40. again when u started facetiously talking about whether im alive bc I didn't get a message that same day,

41. again when u brought the whole castle of lies crumbling down bc u need to use me for something.

42. Broke my heart thinking I'm so stupid and pathetic as to just ignore it, call u on ur phone number, watch as you're not in danger at all.

Watch as being in a signal chat with me doesn't risk the life of u or your child, who all this time you've been ignoring me I had been advocating for on your behalf - not that u ever acknowledged that or the update emails I sent.

43. Idk what you think of me. I don't.

I just know your your actions say:

I'm not worthy of being treated to equal friendship and care.

Worthy of lies, worthy of gasligjting, worthy of enforced isolation, worthy of demonisation, worthy of blatant inequality, blatant, admitted, bigotry and discrimination.

Worthy of being tortured.

Important enough to be abused for my support and my care.

So staggeringly unimportant that the harm that necessitated is unspoken, ignored, lied about, and erased.

44. I don't begrudge you wanting to be supported by me emotionally. I don't begrudge you wanting to share in my resources, and I don't begrudge you not liking me anymore.

45. But you tortured me for months:

You lied about me and to me.

You didn't just check out of our friendship, you started treating me like your enemy and then didn't stop and haven't stopped.

You assured me nothing was wrong.

You gaslit me to high heaven.

You chose to use the same tactics you knew my dad used on me.

You used our therapy to control me in front of authority, who continually joined in for reasons I cannot surmise.

You took evey single opportunity to torture me.

You loved me only immediately after I had been used or helped you.

You hung up when it was my turn to confide. You only returned to me if u could gain something from my begging or if u needed me to do friendship things for you.

46. You designed the last year or so of our friendship this way.

Had me agree, leveraged irl serious safety issues.

And then showed me that it was untrue to my face.

Made me participate in my own exclusion and inferiority, had one rule for people I love and another rule for me.

47. Fundamentally, it all comes down to this:

in order to be your friend, receive care and respect, required me to accept being inferior to you.

It never did before but for some reason, since about this time in 2023, you began treating me as subhuman and disguising feelings of what I think were dislike.

48. I'm very confused by this.

I'd never known y'all to be abusive b4 this, and I've never judged your flaws bc your actions were always loving and moral - at least in our eyes.

I was loyal, respectful, and kind throughout our friendship.

You and I had been thru the ringer together and never sought to abuse, control, or harm one another.

All ik is this: there r people in ur system who don't hate me like y'all hate me rn.

There are people who must be as confused as me.

49. I don't judge y'all.

I'm not going to spend my life wondering about who y'all rly are at ur cores.

50. But I know I can't be friends with somebody who is free to be kind and consistently chooses to harm me.

51. If you ever want to be my friend again, I expect equality:

equal right to choice and freedom,

honesty,

equal right to boundaries and demonstrated willingness to respect them,

freedom from torture,

love,

respect,

and freedom from bigotry.

52. I don't want to be your friend anymore.

I love you sm but ur actions, choices, and words speak for themselves.

53. I don't want a friend who manipulates and bullies me into helping them, instead of asking.

I don't want a friend who only takes, never gives, and isn't even respectful enough to be honest about it.

I don't want anyone in my life who tells me they love me and treats me like shit.

Been there, done that.

We're a grown ass motherfucking woman, and you won't force us to accept it.

54. The reason we have always helped you and been generous is because we love you.

That's it. We still love you now, but we are choosing to break our own heart.

(rn our heart would forgoe being treated like a loved equal respected human being, just to hear a scrap of positive news from you).

55. This whole time you had structural communicative power over me.

At any time, you could have called, texted, or set up a chat.

You know my number, address, mums number, and virtually every way to access me there is.

With this amount of freedom and trusted access, you chose to socialise with me only when u wanted something from me, in therapy where u were engaged in a campaign of gaslighting (when u turned up), or in wider social situations where u could access other people than me.

With this freedom u chose to never check in, ask how im doing, or lmk about your wellbeing.

With this freedom u actively hid ur socialising with my loved ones from me.

With this freedom you chose to demand and recieve my friendship when it suited you.

You chose to neglect and ignore me at all other times.

56. I do love you.

So much.

But you know that, it's how you've been able to treat me poorly for so long.

It's what you're banking on when u sent me ur number, as if u hadn't made my life hell for the last 6 months after I dared to ask for it.

Something which you never acknowledged, accused me of being abusive for bringing up, and for which you have not apologised.

But yeah I'm just going to ignore all reality, show myself zero respect, and run thirsty for love back into ur arms? So you can reveal whatever it is you need me for? So you can tell me you'll die unless I help again? So you can pretend I'm just a rlly good Samaritan? rather than ur broken sister whose terrified of losing you, who would do almost anything to help you, and who almost died helping the first time and almost died this time, too. Rather than the one person who would cop the pain youve been handing me for months on end and only ever think of your wellbeing?

Rather than the one person you know loves u to the moon and back, the one person you have deemed inferior to all others - not in spite of this, but bc of it. Wanna make me into a uncommonly kind person in ur head to avoid sitting with the truth?

That my love for you is why you abused me. It makes me vulnerable and, idk what changed. But suddenly, this time last year, my choice of vulnerability and trust of you, became something you wanted to exploit.

57. I'm not here to be nice, I'm here to love us.

Us as in the people in this friendship.

I'm going to love and respect both of us by standing firm on boundaries, on respect, and on equality.

This friendship, from any perspective, cannot keep existing. It does not allow people in it to be equal, respected, and safe.

58. We, personally, will never accept again in our life, the way y'all treated us in the last throes of our close friendship.

You chose to take a decades worth of love and trust, and you chose to milk it for whatever u could get without you yourself having to participate in your side of relationship.

We are broken.

You had the power to destroy us. And in chasing a slave for emotional labour, you almost succeeded.

But you didn't

and we're done.

Still: with love and warm wishes,

your one-time sister,

MMG

[thepolyamorouspolymath]

In another edition of "BE A BETTER FUCKING LIAR", a guy we'll call... Sales (bc fuck 'im, he's not worth a good name)... hit me up on Facebook, which I hate but use for business-y shit.

First weird, bc I just set all new profiles everywhere bc my stalker ex had his friends bugging me and so it had like 4 business related posts and the profile pic was a cartoon of me that my extremely talented kid drew (who I'd be happy to put links for except he doesn't give them to me... @aceofenderafterdark though, he's great) and like a 2 sentence bio calling Damian the worst Robin and Episode 1 the worst Star Wars.

That was it.

Claimed my profile image showed creativity, and I'm like yep sure does... that of an 18 year old boy who helped his mom our by drawing it bc I'm terrible. Had a bunch of comic stuff, though didn't seem to get into my analysis of them but just like pics of merch. Which neat but I'd rather hear who you think is better Superman or Martian Manhunter and why it's 100% J'onn than see a picture of an action figure.

Made my no casual sex position clear. He claimed that no he really wanted to get to know me and a relationship.

Yeah, sure, never heard that before.

I'm asking him questions... getting like nothing back. He invites me to his place including some play, I said no.

I said I had given him the playbook, that I expected some romance, some wooing, some genuine interest beyond physical before I met and he hadn't passed the pre screen

He countered he'd be romantic in person. I explained that sweaty groping isn't romance and any guy not willing to put in the effort in advance isn't going to be -- they say it to get you there and then keep pushing your boundaries and standards hoping you'll fuck them on a whim.

"No I want to tease you before I fuck you."

First, confirms my opinion, second tells me you're gonna be a shitty partner since you haven't listened to what I like.

Asked me for the same damn thing I already said no to -- y'all, I do not stutter, I do not mumble, I don't waffle, I don't try to soften blows... when I say no, it is incredibly fucking clear.

He claimed he needed more guidance on what I was looking for in pre screening. I said showing genuine interest beyond physical would be a start.

He asked my favorite movie.

I'd already told him 3 times.

AND IT'S RETURN OF THE FUCKING JEDI, ITS NOT EXACTLY OBSCURE!

Some other dude tried to say men don't pay attention to that shit bc they think important things (bitch I am analyzing the entire planet at once and I can tell you how to make B's favorite chicken without doing it for years, remember his Chinese name I'm forbidden to use, how to make M tea I haven't made in 8 years, along with his favorite war stories even though they bored me, what game N liked at the casino and his favorite TV show... and they were years ago. I can also tell you Riveria's WS ERA in the 90s, and describe the phenomenon of the exploding fastball and how few pitchers have ever pulled it off, put forth a compelling defense of Pete Rose for the Hall even if he's a bastard bc he knows more about the game than any man living or dead.... I can cite constitutional theory and precedents for how all drugs constitutionally should be legal, though regulation is fine, give you an analysis of any philosopher taught at a college level that decimates the professor, discuss the comparative strength of every classic Godzilla film, dissect and enjoy Shakespeare and Sanderson with equal measure and thoroughness, BACKWARDS AND HEELS... Men have too much important to remember a movie. Bite my feminist ass.) And beyond that an extra question of "why?" would have demonstrated how I think as well a lot about my values and character (I take my Star Wars seriously.)

Honestly, I expect people to lie sometimes. I don't like it but hey men lying to fuck women is nothing new. But ffs, doing so badly is so goddamn insulting to my intelligence.

Get better.

[redr0sewrites]

14, 23, 63 for the ask game!

AAA TYSM!!!! SOOO EXCITED AB THIS EHEHEH!!!! just fyi, these questions are from this post

14. (how do you write emotional scenes? do you ever feel what the characters feel? do you draw from personal experiences?)

when writing emotional things i often do use personal experience or my own feelings, but i also do try to put myself in others' shoes too! i consider myself to be pretty empathetic (to a fault sometimes), and writing too much emotional or negative content def has an effect on me. i always make sure to space out my emotional or angsty writing pieces, and overall it can be a bit challenging handling emotions in my writing!!! i def feel what the characters feel when im writing, esp when it comes to x reader fics cuz i want to make both the readers and the characters personalities as accurate as possible!!!

23. (Best writing advice for other writers?)

WRITE WHAT YOU ENJOY. im serious, if your forcing yourself to write for a fandom, character, or anything at all that you dont enjoy it will be so draining and exhausting!!! you also are NOT obligated to obey other peoples wishes when it comes to writing reqs, trust me when i say that no one else should dictate your writing or writing style. if someone doesn't like your writing, thats their problem and if people are continuously disobeying and disrespecting your requesting rules and guidelines it is VERY MUCH OK to simply not write their requests and to set that boundary. finally, never feel afraid to write or post something if it feels too "cringe" or bad, bc the more you write the more you improve!!! keeping all those ideas and creativity bottled up inside personally made me feel so misunderstood, and i felt like i had nobody who shared my interests. thats why i personally started writing fanfiction, to feel closer to my interests and share them with others!! (also coming from a fanfic writer + reader standpoint, make a masterlist PLEASE it makes finding your fics so much easier and link thirsts as well, not just fics! i see so many good writing blogs with incredible wips or thirsts or asks that i want to read, but have only like 2 fics actually on their masterlist and it takes FOREVER to scroll and find all the posts in the archives. i just find masterlists sm easier and more organized tbh!!!)

63. (something you hate to see in smut.)

THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE OFFENSIVE OR TARGETED, JUST SOME THINGS I DONT LIEK!!! i do some of these in my own writing, dont feel bad if u do this stuff, its just my preference!!!!

now, starting off- when the story starts right in the middle of the smut with NO CLUE where the characters are, what position theyre in, whats going on, like the first sentence is like "i could feel my release building as (character) thrusted into me" HOW? WHERE? WHEN???? WHY????? WHATS GOING ON???? also, when the writer is describing a position or something but 2 paragraphs later the position seems completely different with no context whatsoever- like one second the characters hitting it from the back and the next theyre sloppily making out and rubbing their chests together??? when did they move???? also when theres like NO description at ALL ab the position, liek i NEED to know what im visualizing here😭😭😭 . an unnecessary amount of dialogue is also a no-no for me, like why yall having a discussion arent u fucking😭😭😭😭. AND FINALLY. THE BIGGEST PET PEEVE OF THEM ALL. WHEN ITS TAGGED AS GN BUT THEN THE ANATOMY IS DESCRIBED AS FEM OR MASC LIKE USING COCK OR G SPOT OR PROSTATE ITS SUPPOSED TO BE GN!!!! CAN ALSO BE WHEN ITS TAGGED MALE AND THEIRS FEM ANATOMY AND VICE VERSA, WRITERS PLSSS TAG UR SMUTS ACCORDINGLY I DONT WANT GENDER DYSPHORIA WHEN TRYING TO SIMPLY READ SMUT 💀💀💀

ANYWAYSSSSS TYSM FOR ASKING!!!! FEEL FREE TO SEND IN MORE, I LOVE THIS ASK GAME SM AJSJS

[emperorsegg]

as much as i love edelgard, i cant be exposed to any public discussion of fe3h for long periods of time bc i feel very anxious and unwell afterwards. i think they just remind me of how unusually mean-spirited the fe fandom is lol

like idk. it always felt very… paranoia-inducing.

(big rant about fe3h fandom incoming so im putting it under the cut)

like… the sheer amount of “transformative lens/critical discussion” stuff i saw about the game’s writing never felt like it came from a place of “i love this and i want to analyze it from a place of love” - and more “i hate this and i want to whittle it to my own perception of how things should be written”.

not that there wasn’t anything to critique (there absolutely was wrt the questionable racism plotlines, etc.) but… there was this sense of underlying bitterness in these discussions that made me feel extremely uneasy and unconfident wrt talking about my own stances - which usually came from the former position. like i was more naïve from approaching my critiques/analyses with a constructive lens versus a destructive one.

or the constantly moving goalposts of which supports were deemed “problematic” and which ones “weren’t”.

like, with my own otp (edeleth) - it was initially very well-received bc it was a prominent and extremely plot-relevant f/f couple; something that didnt have precedence in fire emblem.

but then as the months rolled by more and more people wrote it off as problematic - whether it was bc “it romanticized teacher/student grooming (ignoring them having only a 3 year age gap and not being teacher/student when they do become romantic)” or “it destroyed edelgard’s powerful, confident personality in her own route for waifubait”.

the shipping goalpost moving got so bad that i lost several friends and mutuals over it; including a friend that i had for 7 years.

a lot of people just acted plain mean in the community too. just. saying the most awful stuff without considering the weight of what they were saying. (eg. i saw someone gleefully say that the release of the fe3h warriors spinoff would be like the collapse of the twin towers for edeleth and dimileth fans - which is. a hell of a phrase to say lol).

and there was a lot of other stuff too. zine drama, fallouts over the most innocuous of shit (i fell out with another friend bc i had the audacity to… politely agree with a legimate criticism of their fan project?), as well as some bullshit of my own making (i did not set my own boundaries w/ this fandom - and it hurt me and many others in the end).

i dunno. i guess what i wanted to say was like… the release of fe engage is making me remember all of this shit again and i feel the need to vent again lol. esp since there’s stupid discourse about the new game and ppl making the absolute worst assumptions abt each other again.

im tired. i hate fire emblem. i wish these idiots would consume more adult works and realize that pissing and moaning over the latest mildly sexy FEH alt or someone pairing their corrin with xander or w/e is stupid and waste of fucking time. its fucking fire emblem, my guy.

90% of the time its a stupid medieval fantasy video game filled with cheesy anime tropes.

do something more productive with your life.

[deadandphilgames]

Hiiii Allie, I was wondering if I could maybe get some advice? feel free to ignore this if you're not feeling like it though, I am aware this is kind of weird :///

so I recently met this person at an event (I feel like it's relevant that this was a kink event...) and we started messaging quite a lot, we get on pretty well, and they asked to meet up (in a completely friends way) and I was like sure! new friends is good, you know? (I'm in a new city so kind of taking any friends I can get)

one thing led to another and now we've kind of been fucking for like..a month? (eek don't judge me pls) only problem is: I've mentioned that I'm, for one asexual and two not looking for a relationship, and they've said they're fine with this, but are getting increasingly intense about like. feelings. and going on dates etc. which is putting me in a kind of awkward position bc I can't let any of my other 'vanilla' friends know about them bc there would be all sorts of questions that I simply can't answer (we also have a biiit of an age gap, I'm quite a bit younger than them (...I'm 20 and they're 30), which honestly I'm fine with if it's just fucking but I would never actually date someone their age?? I'm not sure if that makes sense on any level) and also I've obviously said I'm not looking for a relationship. they're starting to talk about me meeting their friends and calling me more pet names in random conversations, and I don't know if its something we can just talk out or what..

anyway basically what I'm asking is am I being incredibly dumb here? (I AM being safe so don't worry about that) but I feel like I need to do something as I'm not feeling 100% positive about this, and I know it's probably not something that could last longterm anyway but idk it's fullfilling a need? that makes me sound like a complete asshole though bc they're really very lovely and I feel like I'm the one holding back on everything but I really feel nothing romantic towards them at all....idk

this got really long sorry, thank you in advance if you do decide to answer this (and dw if you don't I'll figure out what to do eventually<3) I don't really have anyone else I can ask<33

there’s obviously a lot of nuance and things but you’re not being an asshole for telling someone “I don’t want a relationship I just want a fuck”, especially if they agree because you’ve set a boundary. You’re also not an asshole for not being into someone/wanting to date them. (Especially with an age gap.)

but if you think they are secretly playing a waiting game or they think you’ll change your mind it’s a good idea to let them know again that you’re not interested in a relationship, and then decide whether you should stop fucking all together or take a break or whatever is needed.

also… with that age gap i would probably break it off tbh sooner than later, im giving it the benefit of the doubt for not being horrific but obviously there’s an inherent power dynamic between a 20yr old and 30yr old, and with the fact they seem to be hoping for a relationship… maybe it’s time to find another fuck buddy

[chasingfictions]

buffy, spike, and home

HELLO i got overcome yesterday about this and im taking it out on all of you!!!!! ok bc literally the way spike and buffy are always so embroiled in homes and houses...

the way "smashed" and "touched" are both spike and buffy sharing a paradigm-shifting moment in a house that is not theirs. the way "smashed" is them fucking the house down, becoming free from social constraints and repression — the way "smashed" exists in the "smashed" / "wrecked" / "gone" continuum, episode titles that are also slang for drunkenness and destruction and change and obliteration, and how in "gone" buffy says she can finally be "free from this life." and "smashed" is about that same thing. "smashed" is them fucking a house down because buffy's desire isn't allowed to live in the same place she lives.

you can see that in "older and far away" when spike propositions buffy in the house and she goes "here? now?' and in "as you were" when spike says, "I see you're serious. So am I. I want you. You want me. I can't come inside. So? Could be, the time is right, for you to come outside." — the way they are so tensed and tenuous up against the boundary of her domestic life. the way that literally she wants him and he wants her but they can't be in her life. the way that there are the last two episodes of their official s6 relationship. the way proximity to buffy's home life is tearing them apart, when they both want it. the way spike in "entropy" just wants buffy to tell her friends about him. the way spike in "normal again" says "put some ice on the back of her neck. she likes that." he wants to be in the rhythms of her life. but he can't. because, again, buffy's desire isn't allowed to live in the same place she lives.

the way "touched" is this closing on that. "touched" is spike and buffy, after a season of dancing around their feelings, baring it all in the language they know how — spike with words and buffy with touch. the way "touched" is once again in someone else's house. it's still dangerous, to explicitly have that desire in her own home, from a narrative, structural position. the way "touched" could be seen as a kind of epilogue or sequel to "smashed" / "wrecked" / "gone" — an adjective with the same structure as the others, the same double meaning, to be out of your mind, i.e. touched in the head. but also to be emotionally touched, moved, affected. also to be physically touched, caressed. how before, in the safety of a stranger's house, they could explore the full destructive capacity of their desire. and now, in the safety of a stranger's house, they can explore the full tender capacity of their desire, softly engaging with the blankets and the armchair and the bed. how in "touched" he's finally allowed to be her home.

and how these two episodes are really just flash points in a long history of domestic space and home? i've talked a lot in my increasingly unhinged rewatch posts about the slow creep into scooby domestic space that is spike from s4 onwards, but literally that starts from season two. like I still think it's insane that spike gets an invitation to buffy's house. it makes sense from a strategic perspective but it's also literally just INSANE??? and sets up the fact that he just so naturally engages with all of their domestic spaces for the rest of the series. "lovers walk," and "crush" just casually sharing space in the kitchen, the heart and hearth of the house, with joyce and dawn. the way he shifts from tied up in giles' house to roaming free, to tied up in xander's house to just a roommate xander still has for some reason, casually sweeping back into giles' house to pick up his blood.

the way he has poignant moments in every part of buffy's house, more so than any of her other love interests. angel, faith, and riley are all in buffy's house at different points, but it's never with the same extensiveness or comprehensiveness as spike. the "fool for love" and "flooded" back porch scenes. the "becoming part ii" and "the gift" front porch / doorway scenes. the "first date" hallway scene and living room scene. the aforementioned kitchen scenes. the "chosen" basement scenes. if i tried to list them all i'd be here all day. the way he just fits into her domestic life so easily, the way his easy rapport with joyce and dawn represents that. not in a try-hard boyfriend way like with riley, or an awkward stilted way with angel, or a contentious, uneasy way with faith. but just like, the guy having cocoa with joyce and asking her about the gallery, the guy who plays cards with dawn and looks out for her when she's doing dangerous shit and is her confidante and protector.

the way buffy is just as at home in spike's home as he is in hers??? like s4-s5 is this slow creep of spike into scooby domestic space, and once he moves out into the crypt it's this slow scooby creep into spike's domestic space. xander and anya and giles and riley all taking turns being the one who goes to see him in the crypt until soon it's just buffy. buffy barging in like they're sitcom neighbors to the extent that it's literally a running joke (see this *chefs kiss* post from @smellingwormholes ).

this is relevant again when compared with how buffy interacts with her other love interest's homes. angel's apartment is this place she tries to feel comfortable and safe, but then in "innocence" becomes this site of shame and betrayal, and she's treated like a stupid little girl for having felt safe there. the way the mansion also is uneasy, how in "the prom" she asks to have a drawer, to make herself at home there, and that same episode he breaks up with her. how faith's motel is never really a place they hang out — it's a place where they have awkward stand-offs where they don't name their feelings. how riley's room at the initiative frat house is a place we see buffy spend a lot of time in, but is also slightly uncomfortable for its proximity to the initiative, and by the time we get to s5, we only see her at his new dorm once, and he's not even there. meanwhile, spike's crypt is "comfy," as per "potential." it's "this place is okay for a hole in the ground. you fixed it up," as per "dead things." it's the site of their whole affair.

all of this is really capped off by "halloween" and "end of days." ive talked before about how their second episode and their second-to-last episodes have this parallel. of "hi honey, i'm home." vs. "honey. you're home." it's them playing out domesticity as a joke among enemies, vs. them lampshading how domestic they've become. it's that post that's like, the journey from "sweetheart (derogatory" to "sweetheart (affectionate)."

but it's also not figurative language. i think you can read that line entirely straight. "honey, you're home". she's his home. he's her home.

how "chosen" has them spending what they think will be their last night on earth together, in spike's room, in buffy's home. how buffy's desire is finally allowed to exist in the place she lives. because the place she lives is also, finally, allowed to be spike. she's allowed to admit that he's home.

[bellsyafterdark]

So on the topic of Fennec not really liking penetration... She's not generally a fan of fingers getting involved in oral either, and she's had far too many times where an encounter started off great and then her partner tried to finger her and she got turned off entirely. She likes it sometimes, but only when she asks.

And she trusts Din completely, she does, but trust doesn't come easily for her and she spends far too much time worrying about whether he's going to get his hands involved when she should be enjoying his mouth.

Thankfully, he has absolutely no complaints about Fennec binding his hands behind his back before he's allowed to get his mouth on her.

Yeah writing Fennec like this is an interesting challenge for me because there are so many things I need to set aside as they would not make her comfortable. I'm selfishly like, "But, Fennec... I want to do all these yummy things to you" 😂😂 she is helping me grow.

Fennec in this story not only prefers to avoid penetration, she's grey ace so she typically goes through her days without much sex drive at all. She can still be present and involved, she doesn't mind the sights, smells and sensations, but her preference is to be an observer, the director, or the one touching, not being touched herself. She might interact in sex in ways that look conventional but that's exceedingly rare for her.

Deep down, she is looking for belonging and connection, too but she doesn't need sexual intimacy to find it.

Her first time with Boba was way outside her comfort zone and much more than she would have tolerated from almost anyone else. It's an example of how the miscommunications that fan out to Paz and Din really started with Boba and Fennec. They need to give themselves more credit to be frank about their boundaries and needs. For a long time, she is angry with herself for doing what made her uncomfortable but she projects it onto Boba.

When Din arrives as not only a potential ally but an intimate partner, she is forced again to reevaluate her relation to Boba and intimacy.

Her eventual affection and trust in Din take her by surprise. She probably couldn't have arrived there so soon if their dynamic didn't start with her in a place of power, with him taking direction so well. Through Din, she becomes much more comfortable in sharing her body and she loves tying him up, he even seems grateful to her for it, how heady is that?? Over time, as Din sinks deeper into subspace with Boba and Fennec, he's the one who doesn't need to be tied up to be trusted to keep his hands to himself, to be compliant, but they do it for his comfort.

Sometimes Fennec will put a collar with a leash on him, bind his arms together behind his back, and draw his mouth into her as she lies back, but her favoured positions is to lie Din on his back so she can grind down into his mouth. They can take their time with each other, the end goal is not release. Din takes exactly what she's willing to give and never asks for more. His mouth is so sweet: languid, inexperienced kisses and yearning kitten licks that try to bring her pleasure-- and he does, sometimes even to orgasm, but that's not the biggest reward for her.

Boba loves to watch them. In the beginning, she doesn't allow it bc she can't tie his hands back and he can't be trusted not to grow overcome and reach between her legs. He wants to make her feel good, she knows, but it takes time for him to learn she'll grow less annoyed with him if he actually does less in the bedroom, not more.

[flockofdoves]

i recognize that cats are like. infamous for begging for food and meowing like theyve never been fed in their lives

and also i recognize when i first moved in my roommate was like 'don't worry if the cat meows at you her old owner overfed her so she's always begging for food but i have her on a special diet with specific proportions on a regular schedule so you don't have to feed her when she begs at you'

but also with my roommate leaving for a week without telling us and just setting out extra food but then not responding at all to my texts (or acknowledging this at all after she got back) i sent 4 days into that week when the cat almost was out of food asking if she was coming back that day or should i start feeding her cat and if so what portions she feeds her cat and at what times. plus also that while idk how much cats poop per bowel movement, it does seem to me like the litter box looks almost as full as it was when i scooped it after 4 days of my roommate being gone and she pooped on the floor (i feel really bad about that i should have looked up how often litterboxes should be scooped as soon as i noticed my roommate set out extra food for her, even if ofc she should've given a heads up or timeline or any info when me and my gf have been clear we've never lived w cats before)

like. it makes me not sure what to trust :(

like i almost never see her feed her and i recognize we have kinda different schedules (although a lot of times shes home but just in her room and i cant hear her so dont even realize shes home) and that the cat eats fast the times i have seen her eat so its hard to figure out the situation

and it sucks bc theres like no safe side to lean on bc either way could be harmful for the cat if i'm mistaken

the only real way to know would be something deranged and unethical like a camera monitoring the litterbox and food bowl lmao. so like idk the only normal solutions i can think of are just like. trying to spend as much time as possible downstairs on days when me and my gf aren't doing anything to see what happens? taking pictures of the empty bowl to see if the crumb positions look different later and taking pictures of the litterbox to see if it looks worse later? but even then its not very conclusive

and of course i'd love to propose like. idk. putting up a little white board seeing if shes got fed yet but. shes not my cat and im not the one directly responsible for feeding her and proposing that potentially either could sound like i dont trust my roommate or some ridiculous thing to assuage my anxiety that makes her do extra work or if she really is hiding neglect that wouldn't necessarily do much depending on what her routine is compared to mine and also maybe proposing that would make boundaries unclear and make her think she could rely on me for stuff like that without having to communicate it first

idk part of me worries also considering that shes started just like. taking me and my gfs dishes (which are in an entirely separate cabinet) and using them when never asking if thats cool with us as roommates. and like theoretically i love to share things ofc as long as people are considerate but some of those dishes and pots have been sitting out dirty for over a week now so unless i see her around (feel insane like just jumping to texting about that) im sure at this rate me and my gf will have to clean these encrusted dirty dishes and pots and stuff whenever we need them again, that maybe despite her saying before that i wouldnt need to worry about feeding the cat, that somehow without communicating either that as an expectation when i've checked in with her about her preferences in cohabitating or communicating details to us as ppl w no experience taking care of cats that she expects taking care of her cat to be an equal task for all of us. and like of course the most important thing to me is that this cat is healthy and okay and i wouldn't mind helping out even if i'd slightly prefer not having the responsibility of a pet foisted on me at this point in my life and from past communication expected just like. vibing while she took care of it as her pet. but god that just needs to be communicated by her. itd be scary to me if there is neglect happening and if it was happening that it was happening bc she just expected me and my gf to know exactly when and what to do with every day cat care.

so yeah. ig just gonna try my best to monitor stuff over the next couple days to understand the situation better and just communicate from there :(

any advice appreciated tho tbh god idk

[forever-rogue]

request: some christmassy idea where marcus moreno brings presents he bought for missy to the shop to get wrapped up bc he cant wrap for shit. And he wants to flirt with reader whos the one whos gonna wrap the presents but for the love of the above he cant. hes stuttering and hes flustered and its cute. And reader is like okay mister "i can use the force", heres my number, call me so we can shedule a date. And hes so shocked about it 😄😭😭😭 thank u patricia! 🌟

I see it's time to write for Mr. Moreno? Excellent 😌 Enjoy!

Marcus Moreno x Fem!Reader; no warnings

Pedro Characters Masterlist

»»————-　♡　————-««

A heavy sigh escaped his lips as he reluctantly returned to the store, the bag of presents in his hand a sign of defeat. How hard it could possibly have been to wrap a few presents? Apparently too hard for someone like Marcus Moreno. It wasn’t that he hadn’t tried, oh no, he’d spent several hours the previous evening after Missy had gone to bed attempting to wrap the clothes and other oddly shaped boxes perfectly. But instead of success, all he gained was frustration. 

Instead of another vain attempt at the wrapping, he gave up and threw everything back into the bag and made his mind that he would go back to the small department store and ask...beg if you required it, for you to wrap the gifts. 

He might have been able to save the world on several occasions, but apparently his talents ended at Christmas gift wrapping. Well, he huffed to himself as he pulled open the door, the soft twinkling of bells meeting his ears, everyone had a limit. His just happened to be a little more pathetic than others. 

Super Hero, he reminded himself with each step, he was a fudgin’ super hero for fuck’s sake. But alas, when it came to more domestic things, such as cooking, and wrapping apparently, he was far from super. He was working on it though - spending time each day to make sure he was learning - doing enough - to be the father Missy needed. For her, and himself. Things weren’t always easy, but they were always getting better. 

Although tired from a long day at the office, throwing swords around, as Missy had dubbed it, his face instantly lit up when he spied you behind the counter, an almost bored expression on your face. The last of the Christmas rush was almost over, which meant business had slowed down, which was both a blessing and a curse at the same time. Marcus would have been a liar if he said he didn’t have an ulterior motive for coming back; sure - he wanted the presents wrapped, but let’s be honest, the man was smitten with you. Any excuse to come back and chat with you, even if it was just five minutes was good enough for him. 

He’d known you, casually, for a few years now. You had been Missy’s teacher at school last year, and he knew that you worked the summers and holidays at your parent’s store to give them a hand with the rushes. Sometimes, being the sneaky Heroic he was, he’d made up excuses in the past to come into your classroom to spend a few minutes here and there talking to you. It was hard to believe that anyone could make him nervous, to make his heart flutter and beat like a nervous schoolboy, but there you were. Managing to do it every time. 

But he’d never act on it. No, no, no. That would be downright outrageous. After all, why on earth would you be interested in Marcus Moreno? He couldn’t even wrap a present.

Almost as if you sensed his presence, you looked up from the counter you were organized and offered him a dazzling smile, accompanied by a small wave. He was positive his heart stopped at the sight as he had to remind himself to breath. After a quick inhale and exhale, he marched over to you, ready to be firm, and hell, maybe today he’d finally ask if you wanted to get dinner sometime. Why not, after all? But then he took a good look at your eyes, those soft eyes and that gentle smile and he came undone.

“Hi Marcus,” you beamed at him as he did his best to give you a normal smile in response, “what a pleasure to see a friendly face. How are you?”

“Hi,” he managed to choke out as he calmed himself. How did you have this effect on him? He was a grown man, a man with plenty of experience in dating and love, and yet this one he couldn’t seem to nail down, “I’m fine  - you know what, why lie? I’m tired and I can’t wrap presents for shit. I hate to ask, but could you help me out? I’ve seen you do it for other people and I’m afraid if I try again, it’ll be worse than the first time. It’s been awful - oh my God, I’m so rude. I’m rambling - you look pretty - nice - how are you?”

“Marcus,” you giggled at him, watching as a nervous tinge of pink flushed his cheeks. You put your hand on his, effectively getting him to calm down and shut up, “slow down. It’s okay - I’ve got you covered. I assume work is busy?”

“That’s one way to put it,” he was instantly relieved as you took the presents from and grabbed some wrapping paper to display to him. He nodded at your choice and watching in awe as you made quick work of grabbing the first present and getting to work, “I was about ready to just leave him in the bag and give them to Missy like that.”

“Ahh, it’s not a big deal,” you shot him a quick wink, “it’s easy once you get the hang of it. But then again, I’ve been helping my parents with this stuff for years. Maybe sometime I’ll show you how.”

“You’re a lifesaver,” he exhaled as he leaned against the counter and tried to pay it cool. His heart was thumping in his chest so rapidly, he was sure you were able to hear it as well. If you noticed anything out of place, you didn’t show it, “I’ll pay you - whatever you want.”

“Marcus,” you waved him off, “there’s no need. Besides, what are friends for?”

“Friends,” he almost choked on the word as he grinned at the delicate look of concentration on your face. Your brow was furrowed, your tongue peeking out from between your lips as you made sure to get all the measurements just right, “how’s everything been? It’s been a while…”

“I know,” you agreed as you started some ribbon to start curling it, “I miss you coming into my classroom all the time, I miss Missy - it’s not quite the same without the Morenos.”

How much could hint at it before he finally got the bait? You’d harbored a crush on the man for years now, even before you became Missy's teacher. He was a Heroic after all - handsome, funny, smart, and kind. Who wouldn't fall in love with him? You'd hinted at your feelings a number of times and you thought he reciprocated a few times, but you could never be quite sure. And neither of you ever seemed to make a move. You'd come close a few times, but somehow just hadn't...quite gotten there.

“I miss it too,” he agreed quietly, turning his attention to his hands, “Missy doesn’t like her teacher as much this year.”

“That’s because I’m pretty cool,” you teased gently, “you look nice too, by the way. The all black thing - pretty sexy.”

Marcus was sure his heart stopped at your words; you couldn’t seriously have said what he thought you said. Right? Right. He looked at you with wide eyes as you refused to look up from what you were doing in case you had completely overstepped any remaining boundaries. 

“I, umm…” he paused for a moment, chuckling at his own nerves as he moved to stand in front of you, “I’m shit at this. But I, umm...I like you.”

“Marcus,” you stopped what you were doing and set the scissors down to meet his soft brown eyes. He had a small smile on his face, nervous as he watched your expression to try and get a read on the situation. Honestly? He’d rather have taken down another horde of aliens than wait for your response, “it’s about time you said something. I was beginning to think you never would.”

“Oh,” he let a nervous chuckle as your words set in, “oh. Oh?”

“I like you too, Marcus,” you admitted as a warmth flushed over you, “I just...I didn’t know how to say it. I was…”

“Nervous,” you both blurted out at the same time as you both laughed. At least you were on the same page. 

“I haven’t done this in a long time,” he confessed as you nodded in understanding, “I feel like an old fool more than anything...but I’d like to take you out. On a date. A real date. Like you know not just...this, and I’m sorry if this is awkward. Missy’s been telling me to ask you forever and I just feel like -”

“Marcus,” you grinned at him as you reached up and held up a finger to his lips, “you’re rambling again, silly. I’d love to. I’d love to go out with you.”

“Seriously?” his eyebrows raised in surprise as you just nodded. Needless to say, he was not expecting this - any of it. 

“Seriously,” you confirmed, “come on, Mr. Force Hands, give me your phone and I’ll give you my number.”

“Okay,” he looked at you with nothing but soft hope in his eyes as he fished out his phone from his pocket and handed it to you. You let your hand brush over his as you took it and quickly saved your number for him, “I...yeah. I’m looking forward to it.”

“Me too,” you agreed, “but don’t actually forget to text me.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” he breathed out easily, “besides, I owe Missy twenty bucks now and she’ll never forget it. We made a bet - she said I’ve never get the nerve to ask.”

“What a pleasant surprise,” you grinned at him, “now come on. Come around the counter and I’ll show you how to wrap properly.”

Marcus shuffled around the counter and you pointed to the spot you had previously occupied. Moving behind him, you paused for a moment before reaching around him to put your hands over his and help guide him. He swallowed thickly at your tender touch, trying to keep himself composed. 

“Now,” you said softly, “do it like this.”

It was definitely not what Marcus had expected to come out of this evening - but he was so glad it did. Finally. 

Maybe not being able to wrap presents wasn’t such a bad thing after all.