#to some extent. ugh. so many songs from fics at that time as well. and amvs lmao. god. so cringe

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Me staring at my own drawings: Can they tell? Can they all see the style I tried to emulate when I was first learning to draw? Can they still see the threads of that initial influence?

[nevermindirah]

Ok it's Jewish Booker o'clock, I can no longer stop myself, let's do this!

Why Jewish Booker? Dude was born in Marseilles in 1770, which happens to be a FASCINATING time and place in Jewish history, and it adds ridiculous layers to his character (without excusing a damn thing). Alternately just because I think he’s neat :)

Jewish Booker headcanons that make me happy:

not to be all "real Jews do X" but Jews fuck with candles hard. Book of Nile thrives on old/modern analog/digital giggles. Booker lighting Shabbat candles, lighting yarzeit (memorial) candles for his wife and sons (sob), lighting a menorah, lighting candles just because he's feeling emotional even though it's not chag (a holiday) or a yarzeit and Nile thinks he's trying to be sexy but he's really just in his feelings. just like. so many candles.

maybe Booker was the person who punched Richard Spencer at Trump's inauguration, just bringing back that time somebody punched a famous neonazi in the street and said neonazi has all but stopped appearing in public after a few rounds of public punching

were the Old Guard in Charlottesville in 2017? how many times has Booker the Blond Jew infiltrated North American white nationalist / Klan type activities and then stolen their weapons and/or killed them? likewise there's plenty of horrifying white nationalist shit happening across Europe this century, how many Pim Fortuyn types has he been involved in taking down? (I Am Of Course Not Endorsing Violence TM ;) ;) )

SINGING. Mattias Schoenaerts sings in Away From the Madding Crowd but it's church shit, sigh, anyway he has a nice voice. a lot of Jewish prayer is sung/chanted (depending on when/where you are and the gender rules of the community you're in) and there’s been a lot of innovation to Jewish singing in Booker’s lifetime, and I just want Nile to overhear him singing to himself on Friday afternoons

Nile Freeman was four years old when The Prince of Egypt came out, she grew up on that shit, she would want to introduce her new family to that shit. Please join me in picturing Booker, Nicky, Joe, and Andy all shouting "that's not how it happened!!" throughout this beautiful nightmare of a movie with lovely animation and songs but where white people voice most of the Egyptian and Jewish characters, because Booker Nicky and Joe's religious texts all frame the Exodus story a little differently and Andy was probably there when it happened (except for how it didn't actually happen it's an important story but it's just a story pls just let me giggle about Andy being super old)

Read below the cut for sad Jewish Booker headcanons, French Jewish history (mostly sad), context on antisemitism (enraging/sad), and all the way to the very end for a himbo joke.

Jewish Booker headcanons, I made myself sad edition:

he is a forger. who was alive. in 1939. visas. VISAS. V I S A S. how many of us did he save? how many more could he have saved if he didn't sleep that night? how heavily does that weigh?

how do we think he BECAME a forger? most likely he was doing what he needed to do to support his family, which gets extra poignant if he was also trying to help his people, forging documents as well as money even during his mortal life

Booker raised Catholic by crypto-Jews adds ANOTHER layer to the forgery thing, no shit he'd get good at falsifying paperwork and coming up with plausible cover stories

do we know how Booker made it back home after his first death in 1812? his route between the Russian Empire and Provence in 1812 would've been a patchwork of laws about Jews, in case starvation and frostbite weren't enough for him to have to deal with, he's blond and could maybe get away with pretending not to be Jewish if he had to, alternately maybe synagogues and yeshivot took him in on his way home

the structural and sometimes-interpersonal dynamics of antisemitism cause many individual Jews to experience feelings of teetering on the fence between a valued member of a not-exclusively-Jewish community and a scapegoat/outcast/problem. HOLY SHIT BOOKER. "what do you know of all these years alone" is the most Jewish loneliness-in-a-crowd shit I've ever heard. fear that we're not wanted, or only wanted so long as we're useful — that's something that basically all people struggle with under capitalism, but it's especially poignant for many Jews because of the particular way antisemitism operates. (NOTE this can tip from a legit Jewish Booker reading to woobification of the sad white man who couldn't possibly be held responsible for his own actions because he's so sad, which, NOPE. it's very understandable for him to feel left out and misunderstood and not as wanted, as the youngest and not part of an immortal couple and maybe Jewish, but NONE OF THIS excuses his betrayal.)

Crusaders murdered a lot of Jews on their way to the ~holy land~. how many of Booker's people did Nicky kill on his way to kill Joe's people? has Booker ever actually talked to either of them about it?

I read this really beautiful fic about Joe needing to circumcise himself after getting run over by a cart (ouch) — this is a hell of a thing for Joe and Booker to have in common

just generally Jewish Booker adds more layers to him and Joe so clearly being such close friends, ugh that look Joe gives him when they're leaving the bar at the end of the movie, and I very much do not mean this in a gross Arab-Israeli-conflict way because Joe is Amazigh not Arab and Booker is Jewish not Israeli (and also a lot of Jews are Arabs) (but most importantly there's no ~eternal conflict~ between Muslims and Jews) (more about OP Is Not A Zionist below)

like, the UK and France (and to a certain extent Italy) carved up the former Ottoman Empire after WWI; among other things, the UK took Palestine, and they could've worked on eradicating European antisemitism so Jews wouldn't have to leave but instead they used their control of Palestine to encourage Zionist emigration of Jews out of Europe, and France took what is now Iraq, which has some pretty direct implications for US military involvement in that country in Nile's lifetime; France colonized Tunisia in the late 19th century and still held it during the Vichy era which means Tunisian Jews were subject to Nazi anti-Jewish laws which is just layers upon layers of colonial racist Islamophobic and antisemitic nightmares for Joe and Booker to live through

to be crystal clear before anybody gets ooh Muslim-Jewish conflict up in here, antisemitism is an invention of European Christians that they imported to the places they colonized, the European colonial powers encouraged Zionism because it was easier for them to encourage Jews to leave Europe and set us up as middle agents between the colonial powers and the ~scary brown people~, the Ottoman Empire and other Muslim governments historically have had a second-class citizenship category for non-Muslims that rankles my American first amendment freedom of religion sensibility but was very much not targeting Jews specifically, and these two men who've lived for a long-ass time through many varieties of geopolitical awfulness (and alongside a certain unwashed Crusader who has since learned his lesson) would have Things To Say about how our current mainstream discourses frame these things

getting off my soapbox and back to this action movie I'm trying to talk about, the ANGST of Booker's exile, which is simultaneously a very valid decision for Andy Joe and Nicky to make, an extremely long time for Nile who is only 26 years old to be separated from the one person on the planet in a position to really understand the crisis she's going through, and holy shit expelling a Jew from your group when he's already been expelled from mortality and his family and being expelled from places and continually having to start over somewhere new is THE curse of surviving through antisemitism, OUCH MY FEELINGS

Some French Jewish history:

France, like basically all of Europe, periodically expelled its Jews, but Provence (where Marseilles is) wasn't legally part of France during the expulsions up through 1398 so Provence had a continuous active Jewish community; about 3,000 Iberian Jewish refugees ended up in Provence after the expulsions from Spain and Portugal in the 1490s

the 1498 expulsion of French Jews DID apply to Provence but many "converted" to Christianity and reestablished a Jewish community when enforcement of the expulsion chilled out (which was in the government's interest because they were really into taxing Jews at higher rates, so much so that they taxed "new Christians" at higher rates once they realized expelling Jews meant they wouldn't be around to overtax, ffs) — by the mid-18th century Provence had notable communities of Jews and crypto-Jews (forced converts and their descendants who still kept some Jewish practices in secret)

Booker would've been 21 when revolutionary France granted equal legal rights to Jews in 1791 — his mortal life and first century of immortality happens to line up almost perfectly with the timeline of legal emancipation of Jews across Europe

the American and French Revolutions happened pretty much concurrently and took different approaches to religious freedom that make Book of Nile with Jewish Booker and canon Christian Nile extra interesting — French emancipation, at least from my American sensibility, is about secularism and religion not "interfering" (hence French Islamophobic shittiness about banning hijabs), whereas American religious freedom is more of "the government can't stop me from trying to evangelize / religiously harass people at my school/workplace/etc" — to be clear I think both countries' approaches to religious "freedom" are hegemonic as shit and have devastating flaws, but they're different models that emerged at the same time in Booker's youth and Christianity is clearly a source of emotional support for Nile and there's so much to explore here

Napoleon tried to ~liberate~ the Jews of places he conquered for his dumbass French Empire, but liberation from ghettos came with strings attached (like banning us from some of the only jobs we'd been legally allowed to have for centuries, and liberating us for the stated purpose of getting us to assimilate and stop being Jews) and many places that were briefly part of the French Empire reinstated their antisemitic laws after Napoleon was gone, can you imagine being a French Jew forced to fight and die in Russian winter for that jackass and then have to trudge back through a dozen countries whose antisemitism was all riled up by French interference?

Some facts about antisemitism:

antisemitism operates differently than many other oppressions, it doesn't economically oppress the target group in the same way as antiblackness or misogyny or ableism etc — the purpose of antisemitism is to create a scapegoat to blame when European peasants are mad at the king / the church / the people actually in charge, and structural antisemitism encourages a system where some Jews become visibly successful so that those individuals and our whole community are easier to make into scapegoats

one of the historical roots of antisemitism is stuff in the Christian Bible about moneylending as sinful — Jews in medieval Europe were often barred from owning land and Christians barred from moneylending, so some Jews found work in finance and some of us became very visibly successful for working with money — a few individual Jews running a particular bank or finding success as jewelry dealers turns into "Jews control global financial systems" scapegoating — a more recent example of this is the participation of nonblack Jews in white flight and the role of Jewish landlords doing the visible dirty work of non-Jewish institutions in American antiblack housing discrimination, Nile grew up on the South Side of Chicago and would have seen some shit along these lines and might repeat hurtful ideas out of a lack of knowledge, here's Ta Nahesi Coates on some of these dynamics

Booker canonically being a forger (specifically of coins in the comics?) needs a little extra care to avoid antisemitic tropes about Jews and money, I will happily answer good-faith asks about this if you want to check on something for a fic/etc

antisemitism in the United States where I live in October 2020 isn't institutional in the sense of targeting Jews for police violence or anything like that. it IS systemic, however, for example in all the antisemitic conspiracy theories the Trump administration and several other Republicans peddle (ie QAnon), and in how the Trump administration points to support for Israel as if that means support for Jews (it doesn't, it's evangelical Christians who push the US government to support the Israeli government because they think Jews need to be in the ~holy land~ for Jesus to come back that's literally why the United States funds Israel at the level it does). antisemitism also gets weaponized to encourage white Jews (those of us of European descent, who in the United States are definitely white because the foundation of US racism is slavery and antiblackness as well as anti-indigenous genocide, maybe European Jews aren't included in whiteness everywhere but we definitely are where I live) to side with white supremacy instead of building solidarity with other marginalized people (ie a lot of mainstream Jewish groups shit on the Movement for Black Lives because of its solidarity with Palestinians)

the Nation of Islam has a major presence in Chicago and its leader Louis Farrakhan who lives in Chicago has long spread a variety of antisemitic as well as homophobic bullshit but there are genuine good reasons many Black people find meaning/support in the Nation of Islam and Nile would've grown up with that mess in the air around her, this is a good take from a Black Jew about the nuance of all that

the way the Old Guard comics draw Yusuf al Kaysani is HOLY SHIT ANTISEMITISM BATMAN I hate it please summarize the comics for me because I DO NOT WANT to look at that unnecessarily caricatured nose why the fuck did they do that human noses are beautiful there is absolutely no need to draw Joe like a Nazi would

Jews for Racial and Economic Justice is a local NYC group that recently developed a fantastic resource for understanding and fighting antisemitism (pdf) 11/10 strongly recommend

Zionism disclaimer: A lot of Jews feel strongly that we need a Jewish-majority country in order to be safe from antisemitism. I strongly disagree with this idea on its merits (Jews disagree about who is a Jew and making Jewish status a government/immigration matter means some of us are going to get left out; also non-Jews aren't fundamentally dangerous and separatism isn't going to end antisemitism) but I have a lot of empathy for the very valid fear that leads a lot of my people to Zionism. Whether I want a Jewish-majority country or not, what Israel has done and continues to do to Palestinians is a deal breaker. Emotions run very high on this subject — I spend a lot of my not-Tumblr life talking to other Jews about Zionism and I'd rather not have this Jewish Booker headcanons post become yet another place where fellow Jews yell at me in bad faith. Block me if you need to, you're not going to change my mind. Call me self-hating if you want, I know I love us.

Racism in fandom disclaimer: I feel weird about increasing the volume of meta about Booker in this fandom. Nile Freeman is the main character and deserves lots of attention and adoration from the fandom — and she deserves emotional support from as many friends and orgasms from as many partners as she wants. I think Jewish Booker makes her friendship and potential romantic relationship with him even more interesting, hence this post. Ship what you ship, but be aware of the racist impact of focusing your fandom activity on, for example, shipping two white men while ignoring awesome characters of color especially the canon man of color one of those white dudes has already been with for a millennium. Please and thanks don't use my post for shenanigans like sidelining Joe so you can ship Booker with Nicky.

Oh and a non-disclaimer fun fact, Matthias Schoenaerts was born in Antwerp which apparently has one of the largest Jewish communities still remaining in Europe?? ~Jewish Booker headcanons intensify~

In conclusion: Jewish Booker! Just because it's fun! It exponentially increases the angst of his mortal lifetime and it puts his first century of immortality smack in the middle of the most intense changes to Jewish life since the fall of the Second Temple (aforementioned emancipation, also founding of Reform Judaism, the Haskalah, Zionism, and then of course the Holocaust). It makes his relationships with Nile, Joe, and Nicky more interesting and potentially angstier and with more intense commonalities and tenderness about their differences. It's very common for Jews to not believe in God (this confuses the shit out of a lot of Christians) and this would probably have further endeared him to Andy.

One more thing: Booker as golem. (A golem is basically an earthenware robot of Jewish folklore.) He's tall and blond and the most Steve Rogers-looking of all of them and from the Himbeaux region of France. THE trope of Book of Nile is he will do WHATEVER Nile wants or needs him to do. I was today years old when I learned that Modern Hebrew speakers use golem figuratively to mean "mindless lunk" and I'm choosing to squint and read that as "hot kind and dumb as rocks" because it amuses me.

[aesirfalling]

From your writing asks: #1, 8, 10, 26, and 28 :) I wasn't sure if you had wanted me to answer any specific ones myself, but since it was an ask I wanted to respond properly~

I definitely wanted you to answer some specific ones yourself :^)

What themes would you like to write about that you feel don’t get explored very often?

I think this is obvious to everyone who’s read my more recent fics (so like... my fics from 2016 onwards?), but I like to write “realistically,” especially in regards to joys and pain. When people write about angst things like breakups and depression and physical illnesses they are sometimes hesitant (rightfully or understandably so, in many cases) to really get into the nitty gritty, and in many cases, uglier parts of them, but like, they’re a part of life and people in our lives don’t have a good time (or even many good moments at all) when these kinds of things happen to them. Those moments are still important, though, and I personally feel like embracing the dark aspects of those things makes getting through them in the end more emotionally and existentially powerful? If that makes sense. I’m definitely still wrestling with, like, the extent to which I should write such things (esp. since like, in most cases, fic readers are not reading your fic to suffer), but I think my underlying sentiment as a writer is to examine/meet feelings and life unflinchingly and with some kind of grace.

(I’ll get to the joys eventually. I swear. I have that draft of the second chapter of Lost and Found in my Google Drive. There’s Radiance and the mood in that, too. I just don’t like to write too much preemptive joy.)

The other thing I want to bring up as well is a kind of like... infrastructural realism? Or is it like, socioeconomic, worldly things? Like we’ve talked about this as well RE: how I’m covering Hope in my fics and how you worldbuild a lot around missions and such in yours. I think this is mostly a fic thing since to do this well requires a longer fic with a lot of forethought, and most people don’t have time for that. And honestly most people don’t like Hope for the structural engineering work he put into building new planets either

Favorite dialogue in your wip? (If asked more than once, respond with a new piece each time)

Oh man this interlude is going to be CHOKE FULL of dialogue that will kill me and most of them haven’t even been written yet

But the things that I’ve already put down on my dump file are like all dialogue

Here I just wrote up this thing

Snow: Go on then. Tell me that you don’t miss the stars. Tell me that you are okay with just sitting here day by day, pretending that you don’t know anything, pretending that you don’t have regrets and wants. Tell me that you don’t care if I won’t invite you to the wedding with Serah, if Light finds another man, or if some orphanage is burning on the other side of town. Tell me - 

Hope: I don’t think you understand. I never needed anyone to motivate me.

Hope: I needed someone to stop me.

What scene was the most fun to write for you and why?

Hmm... we might have to establish a definition for ‘fun’ :P

I think in more recent memory, I’ve had the most fun writing the dialogue between Hope and E1 in the Intermission, because I relish all opportunities to write him (especially in FWWCH where I’m usually banned from writing in his POV) and writing two of him is just double the fun. I also adore all occasions where introspective idiots have to talk to other versions of themselves because it’s kind of like. The inevitable 404 error when they realize they are actually empathizing with themselves is tearjerker and heartwarming central.

What do you feel like you need to work on as a growing writer? How can you improve?

Oh lordy there are so many things. Lemme just list a few off the top of my head

1) Linguistic ability: There is definitely a part of me that is sad about the fact that leaving my home country at the age of 11 has left me in a place where I am kind of bilingual but kind of... not really “Native” in either. Like, I have this lingering feeling that I’ll never get to the level of a “Native” English speaker/writer, and I definitely hit like language ability walls all the time when I write - things wouldn’t feel naturally lyrical, I’d run out of words, I wouldn’t know how to describe something the way it should be described, the sentence structure variety is pitiful, etc. I think it’s especially apparent when you’re writing a long fic, where like you have to deal with the same things over and over (e.g. writing Hope cooking, or how Lightning physically perceives him, etc) and there’s more of a limit on where natural inspiration can take you. I should read more good prose (since that’s apparently how I get better at English) but, ugh, effort.

2) Characterization: how many times have I whined about how much I suck at writing Lightning lmaooooooo I think the general thing is like, everyone is decent at writing someone they personally relate to, but we struggle when we try to write outside of our comfort zone. Lightning is definitely the poster child of “character unlike me that I’m trying to get a hold of,” but I think I struggled even more trying to write Fang, and I’d probably struggle trying to write someone like Cid seriously. I think a large part of the struggle is trying to morph yourself into that character (or, like, dissociating from yourself and just... “becoming” that character depending on how you view writing meta??) since like, just understanding someone is not enough. Just understanding someone won’t let you write convincing dialogue where they talk and move around the way they usually do. You have to like, become them and that’s really hard when you have a strong writer’s ego (I know, shocking, coming from me.)

3) Worldbuilding: wtf am I even doing with Hope’s White Lotus thing lmaoooooo anyway a world could always be more interesting, consistent, realistic, nuanced etc. And not necessarily through more word count on the worldbuilding-y stuff. I think it’s more about understanding the factors driving the world than anything else. Like what the resources are, who has power/agency, how things are done (e.g., in our world, decisions are mostly made by individual nation states, although large corporate entities often have immense political influence). AND THEN JUST LIKE CHARACTERS THERE’S THE STRUGGLE WITH EXECUTING THEM - like just because I understand there are rich oligarchs behind things doesn’t mean I’m good at writing the Great Gatsby. I dunno, I have a perpetual sense of imposter syndrome when I try to understand and write things about the world, regardless of whether or not the world is real. I feel like a large part of this goes back to the fact that I’m still only in my 20s and haven’t seen much of the ‘real world’ as they say, although I guess I’m technically still way ahead of most fic writers.

4) General writer’s attitude: this influences themes and the heart of one’s writing. When I say that I care a lot about the grace and dignity of my narratives and my characters, it ties back into this - I want to tell human stories, and I want to tell stories that reflect on our struggles and our faith despite said struggles. It’s the kind of lens that I filter all my words through and impacts every word I write. The obvious problem, then, is that my writing’s only ever going to be as perceptive or sympathetic as I am, and that’s something that I can and should always work on. Am I too obsessed with tragedy? Am I honestly far better at posing questions than providing solutions, even when I highly value solutions? How do I become the kind of writer and person that I want to be without driving myself insane or losing touch with the people that I want my writing to speak to?

5) Discipline: Am I ever going to finish FWWCH (or H&L or any of my other WIPs lmao)? Stay tuned.

I think a lot of my self-doubt as a writer comes from just how much I know I can improve on tbh

Do you need background noise to write? If so, what do you listen to?

I wouldn’t say I work with “background noise” - I work with mood-appropriate playlists (did you know I’ve been gratuitously naming all my fic chapters after songs?), or you know, the good ole 2 o’clock cosmic silence. It’s pretty interesting to me actually, since I also have an engineering degree and like... I need silence when I’m trying to logick things like math or the correct wording for a formal writing thing (e.g. a grant or policy proposal). So my creative hemisphere wants stimulation while my mechanical brain wants silence. Figures.

[ladyfogg]

Cold is the Night - 18/20

Cold is the Night - 18/20

Fic Summary: You and Pat have known each other for years but this summer, everything will change. As the two of you start to grow close, your matching tempers threaten the foundation of your rocky friendship and prevent both of you from realizing your true feelings. Cold is the Night Masterpost. 

Fic Song: Cold is the Night by The Oh Hellos. Fic playlist can be found here. 

Pairing: Pat Murray/Female Reader

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: Language, Slow Burn, Eventual Smut, Multiple Chapters

"So, like, are we ever going to wear clothes again?" Pat asked.

You both were currently sprawled across your bed, still completely naked. It had been well over twenty-four hours since the game and you'd lost track of how many times you had sex. Your phones had been turned back on, just in case anyone was trying to reach you. But by pure luck, you hadn't been bothered.

"Well, we do have to work tomorrow," you said, munching on a granola bar. "Also, condoms are running low."

"Boooo!" Pat exclaimed.

Laughing, you handed him the granola bar and turned on your side to face him. "I know. Real-life sucks sometimes."

“Not all the time.” Pat cupped your cheek, stroking it with his thumb. “This is real and it’s pretty fucking great.”

You smiled. “When did we get so mushy?”

“I don’t know. It’s gross isn’t it?”

“Disgusting.” Still smiling, you leaned into his kiss, relishing the contact. No matter how many times he kissed you, it felt just as thrilling and exciting as the first. When Pat pulled back, he tweaked your nose. 

"Oh, I meant to tell you, I got my schedule changed," he grinned, taking a bite from the bar. "I work nights now too."

"Really?! So we can do breakfast together tomorrow?" you asked excitedly.

"Fuck yeah. How about the diner down the street?"

"Yessss!" you pumped your fist in excitement. "As fun as that sounds, I wish we could stay in this bubble forever."

Pat threw the empty wrapper on the floor before he turned to face you as well. "Let's not think about responsibilities. Right here and now, it's just you and me."

Grinning, you wrapped your arms around him in a tight hug. "I like the sound of that."

He kissed your forehead. "Me too."

You held each other close, simply enjoying the warmth and the sound of rain tapping at your window. In the distance, you heard a roll of thunder and you snuggled closer. 

"So are we still moving slowly or are we throwing that out the window now that we've said the magic words?" you asked.

Pat chuckled. "I'm fine still going slow if you need to," he said. "I'm not going anywhere."

You thought about your feelings, how scared you were to tell Pat you loved him, and how quickly he responded when you did. He had proved to you again and again that he respected your feelings and boundaries. He was also willing to work on his own problematic behavior while not insulting yours.

"I say, fuck it," you declared, propping yourself up on your elbow so you could lean over him. "We're young. We're in love. I want to enjoy it to the fullest extent."

Grinning, Pat pulled you on top of him. "Sounds good to me. What did you have in mind?"

You bit your lip before reaching into your nightstand. You pulled out a spare set of keys to your apartment, carefully placing them in his hand.

"There. Now you don't have to wait for me to come home. You can come over whenever you want," you said. "I give you full permission to let yourself in."

Pat's eyes widened and he closed his hand around the key, cradling it to his chest. "This is amazing. I don't know what to say."

Smirking, you placed a kiss on his lips before slowly sliding down his body. "How about you just moan?" you suggested with a wag of your eyebrows.

The key was tossed back onto the nightstand and his hands seized your arms to stop you. His hand slid into your hair and he pulled you into another kiss, this was hungrier than before. “You know what I want right now,” he purred between kisses, one hand sliding down to grab your ass. 

“Mmm, what’s that?”

“I want you to ride me.”

You reached over and felt until you found an unused condom. Pat kissed his way to your neck as his hand slid between your legs. "How are we still going?" you wondered out loud before moaning.

"No idea. Do you want to stop?"

"God no," you urged, tugging on his hair to make him look at you. "But we should get some rest after."

"If you say so."

Talking ceased once more primal urges too over. 

The next morning when your alarm went off the two of you groaned in unison. 

"Ugh, make it stop," Pat whined, burying his face in the pillow.

You managed to hit snooze before stretching luxuriously. Your body never felt so loose and tension-free before. With a soft moan, you sank back against the mattress. 

Pat peeked out from the pillow. "The sound of you moaning just goes straight to my dick now."

You chuckled, slapping his ass before sitting up. "We've had plenty of that in the last two days. Plus I'm super sore."

Your boyfriend pouted before pushing up on his hands to look at the time. "Why the fuck are we up so early?"

"Cuz there's actually shit to do," you said, swinging your legs over the side of the bed. "Breakfast, groceries…" You plucked at the bedsheets. "Laundry…"

"Fine but can we at least shower together."

"Oh, for sure."

It took you some time to drag Pat out of bed and into the shower. You were hoping to wash up quickly but you should have known better. Pat "accidentally" dropped the soap and then got handsy when you bent over to pick it up.

By the time you made it to the diner, your body was desperate for a substantial meal. All you had eaten since those pancakes were granola bars, cereal, and ramen. Mainly because that was all you had in your pantry.

Pat seemed just as starved as you were and between the both of you, soon the table was ladled with plates of eggs, bacon, sausages, homefries, and waffles.

"Oh my god, this is the best meal I've ever had!" you declared as you shoveled food into your mouth.

Pat hummed in agreement. "After this, we should get groceries for your house so we can make all this ourselves next time."

"Planning another marathon session already, Murray?" you teased before downing some orange juice.

Pat grinned cheekily. "Babe, you have no idea what I'm planning."

Before you could ask what he meant, someone cleared their throat. You both looked up to find Maz standing there, smiling. "You two seem hungry," he teased. 

"Yes. Yes, we are," you declared proudly. "Here, come join us!" You slid out of the booth and sat next to Pat so that Maz could sit across from you.

"Oh, I don't want to intrude," he said.

"Maz, seriously, we'd love for you to sit with us," Pat assured him.

Maz smiled and accepted the seat. "Don't mind if I do. Should I even bother ordering or is all this not going to be enough?"

You laughed and handed him a clean fork. "Dig in."

He happily did, staring at you both with admiration. "Can I just say, I'm so happy for you guys," he said. "We've all been waiting for this to happen."

"Really?" you asked. "All of you?"

"Yeah, ever since the bar," Maz said. "It was pretty obvious that there was something between you."

Pat slid his arm around your waist, hugging you against his side as he continued to eat with one hand. 

"Maz was the one who told me to ask you out," he said.

"Well, I'm glad you listened to his advice," you replied.

"So, are you going to make it to the next game?" Maz asked. "It's the last one of the season."

"I can't. I have to work," you pouted. 

Pat already knew this but he still pursed his lips in annoyance. You hated how work kept interfering with his games. Next season you'd definitely put in time off on game days.

"Are you nervous?" Pat asked Maz, smoothly changing the subject. "You know, for the draft?"

You had completely forgotten that was coming up.  

Maz gave a small smile and a noncommittal shrug. "Not really," he said. "Whatever happens, happens." He was obviously full of shit. You could see the anxiety in his eyes.

"You deserve it, Maz," you told him. "I hope you get it."

The rest of breakfast past with a more serious tone. In fact, the rest of the day, the bubble started to fade as real-life started to demand attention. When it was time to leave for work, you dropped Pat off at his house.

In his driveway, you put the car in park and both of you took a moment.

"What if we kept driving?" Pat asked. "How far would we get before people noticed we ditched them?"

You laughed. "Probably not very," you said. "Plus, my car isn't the best. It hates long drives."

"We'll take mine then."

Leaning over, you gave him a soft kiss. "As nice as running away with you sounds, we should probably stay."

Pat sighed dramatically. "Yeah, you're probably right. Oh well." He took a deep breath and opened the door to climb out. "I love you. I'll come by after work."

"You better. I gave you that key for a reason."

Smiling, he gave you one more kiss and then was gone. Heart heavy, you drove to work, already missing him. 

What you wouldn't give to have one more day locked in your room, his hands touching you all over while he whispered sweet words in your ear.

The bar was fairly busy when you arrived so you got going quick, making drinks and taking orders as if on auto-pilot. Work used to be everything to you and now that you had something else, something real, you didn't want to be consumed by your job.

A thought came to mind and once it did, you couldn't shake it. Your break eventually rolled around. Determined, you went to your boss's office, knocking on the door. He called for you to come on.

"Hey," he greeted you with a smile. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry I couldn't fill in when you texted me."

"No worries. I don't expect you to drop everything to come to work at the last minute. I know you have a life outside this place." 

You smiled, thinking of Pat. "Yeah. Yeah, I do. Actually, that's why I'm here. I need to change my shift on Saturday…"

[sanguinarysanguinity]

Twenty Titles meme

(x-posted from DW, and gakked from china_shop)

My last twenty fic titles on AO3:

A Jelly Good Show (Whitehead Holmes)

The Adventures of Goatratio Hornblower (Hornblower)

Tell-Tale (Hornblower)

The Taste of Truth (ACD Holmes)

New Year's Snow (Hornblower)

A Well-Rooted Briar (Hornblower)

To Make Dreams Truths (ACD Holmes)

Their Shared Will (Hornblower)

Seeking High-Energy Self-Starter, Flexible Schedule (My Dearly Beloved Detective)

HMK Nonsuch (Hornblower)

The Golden Sand (Hornblower)

Solace and Comfort (Hornblower)

Cock on the Right (Hornblower)

Opinions of her Own (Hornblower)

No. 36 Bannerman Road (The Sarah Jane Adventures)

Any Service Required (Hornblower)

Tea for Two (Moriarty - Horowitz)

A Tendency to Tease (Hornblower)

Kissing Lessons (Hornblower)

William Bush, Oldster (Hornblower)

1. How many are you happy with?

Fourteen, maybe -- I've vastly improved at titling in the last year or so. I require a title to be easy to remember and easy to match with the fic; ideally, a title should furthermore speak to some fundamental aspect of the story, or work at multiple levels. Over the last year, I've gotten better at identifying what is core about a story, and teasing out or devising a phrase that gets at it.

2. How many are... not great?

Eh, three? "Tell-Tale" comes annoying close to being a good title; it almost is a figurative descriptor of the gift as well as a literal one, and yet I'm not convinced it actually comes off. "New Year's Snow" is just blah. I mean, it's fine, but it does absolutely nothing of any kind of worth. "To Make Dreams Truths" is pure ugh: it's a line of poetry that doesn't QUITE fit, it comes off as annoyingly pretentious, I always have to squint at it a bit to remember which story it's supposed to be, I hate it.

3. How many did you scramble for at the last minute?

Nearly every single one -- eighteen were titled as part of prepping for AO3. At least one ("William Bush, Oldster") was actually first published without a title to tumblr. I have sometimes been tempted to keep those tumblr vignettes titleless when I pull them over to AO3, just write "Untitled" where it demands a title. But it's too cumbersome to have a bunch of things titled "Untitled" in my works list, so I've always given in at the last second and put something there.

4. How many did you know before you started writing/creating, or near the beginning?

"The Adventures of Goatratio Hornblower" and "Seeking High-Energy Self-Starter, Flexible Schedule" are the only two I knew well in advance, and it's probably not a coincidence that they're both silly, comedic titles for silly, comedic premises. In both cases, having the title in hand was very helpful in keeping me from losing my way with the stories: I kept drifting serious, then remembering that I had titled the thing "Goatratio" or that long horrible twist of management-speak, and then would use that to give myself permission to be silly and ridiculous again.

5. How many are quotes from songs or poems?

Two: "The Golden Sand" (Poe, "A Dream Within a Dream") and "To Make Dreams Truths" (Donne, “The Dream”). I'm happy with the former -- "Dream Within a Dream" is thematically spot-on for the fic, as is the image of the golden sand slipping through the dreamer's fingers while he weeps. My only discontent is that Poe is anachronistic for the Hornblower canon, but whatever, the stories were written in the 20th century and reek of their era, I don't care. Whereas the Donne... Eh, it's just not a great fit. It'll do, of course -- that's why I chose it -- but I don't like it, and the bad title almost makes me hate the story by association.

No, wait, I miscounted: it's three titles from story/song quotes. "Tea for Two" is obviously from a song, hello! I love it as a title -- such a perky, upbeat, happy song, imagining what a pot of tea can mean to a relationship, and meanwhile Moriarty has twisted that pot of tea -- and the underlying relationship -- into an evil caricature of the song's ideal. You know that thing they do in movies where they play something upbeat on an out-of-tune music box so it sounds evil and creepy and ominous? That’s how that title takes me, and I couldn't be happier with it.

ETA: I correct myself again! @educatedinyellow brought up "Cock on the Right," and THAT'S a quote, too, from a maritime rhyme extolling the benefits of various protective tattoos: <i>Pig on the knee, safety at sea; cock on the right, never beaten in a fight.</i> In my head, the title was a straightforward declaration of the story's most significant element -- the fighting cock tattooed on Bush’s right foot -- but it's actually a quote!

6. How many are other quotes?

Maybe ten of them are quotes from the story itself; another four or so might as well be direct quotes, being descriptions of a time or place in the story. Obviously, I find it very productive to dig into the text of the story for a phrase that sums up one of the central themes or problems of the story.

7. Which best reflects the plot of the story/content of the fanwork?

"Their Shared Will," possibly. Will is literally shared between them, obvs, but in-text it's a reference to his subbiness, and that what is getting him off is that they share a will about how to use him. It works perfectly on both levels, and both levels are a succinct and accurate summary of the fic.

8. Which best reflects the theme of the story/fanwork?

"The Taste of Truth," maybe. The title works literally, of course -- there's a fruit that you eat that allegedly tells you a truth, but it's a bitter, nasty fruit, and it tends to tell you cherry-picked truths designed to fuck you up to the maximum extent possible. Only a taste of truth, one designed to tantalize and ruin you. But the main action of the story is the characters experimenting with candid honesty, and so it's not just that bitter, nasty, poisoned truth they've been tasting, but also the good stuff, that which clears your palate and lays the foundation for fixing your life -- and maybe the taste of that is good enough to lead to better things. (I could probably have played more with that metaphor more at the end? Ugh. Maybe in some covert revisions...)

9. Which best reflects the character voice of the story/POV of the fanwork?

"A Jelly Good Show," possibly, being that the character voices are nothing but puns straight through. It was absolutely critical to give that story a punny title and summary.

10. Which is your favourite?

"The Adventures of Goatratio Hornblower," maybe. Distinctive and unmistakable -- I dare anyone familiar with the story to have trouble matching it to its title -- and an honest indicator of the kind of silly fun you're likely to find inside.

[farfromsugafanfic]

glitteringconstellations interview

Before we get started with the interview, do you mind introducing yourself (whatever name you are comfortable with) and telling us a little about yourself?

Hi everyone! I’m glitteringconstellations, Glitter or GC for short. I’ve been writing fanfiction for well over 15 years now, though I only started sharing it around 2005. I minored in Creative Writing in college and I love writing in pretty much any capacity! When I’m not headcanoning one new story or another, though, I’m either adulting (ugh, adulting) or playing video games. These days it’s mostly Skyrim. I’m fluent in Korean and passable in Japanese and Spanish. I drink way too much pop to be healthy and I hate most fruit (though, give me any kind of melon and I’ll be a happy girl). Oh, and I’m a fledgling figure skater! I’m just a hodgepodge of random hobbies haha!

Q1: What kind of fan fiction do you normally write? Have you ever written fan fiction for other fandoms other than your current one?

A1: I tend to gravitate toward angsty fics. It’s long been my outlet of frustration, to put the character I love in harm’s way. The more pain, the better, haha! Though I do love the hurt/comfort aspect of it. Recently (as in, the last year lmao) I’ve been writing for the Voltron fandom almost exclusively (and sometimes YURI!!! On Ice), but before that I was in the k-pop ficdom (Super Junior, for the most part) for a looooong time, nearly 10 years. I won’t be opening that particular can of worms, though--I have Feelings and Opinions lmao. Before that I jumped around from anime to anime.

Q2: I see in addition to fan fiction that you do commissioned fan art! I’m not an artist myself, so I find it really interesting and cool. Do you want to talk a bit about that? And, feel free to plug yourself!

A2: This is actually a common misconception--I can’t draw to save my life!! I took commissions for fan fiction back in late June as a last resort to pay my rent. Typically though I’m horrible on a deadline so I don’t like to do it too often because I feel terrible making my commissioners wait. The art you’re referring to is the comic spread for The Parting Glass, if I’m not mistaken? I actually commissioned another artist by the name of Cota (@ccooooostuff on tumblr, go check her out she’s amazing at what she does and super sweet!) for that comic with the money I got for my birthday this year.

Q3: Do you write anything outside of fan fiction?

A3: I do! I journal a lot, or I try to anyway. This year I’m hoping to tackle an original novel for Nanowrimo, but more than likely, that particular project will start as fanfiction and we’ll see if I turn it into original fiction or not. I spend more time thinking about the things I want to write than… actually… writing them lolsob. My notes will be this gigantic document but when it comes to putting things together in a cohesive manner? Haaaaaa….haha…. The blinking cursor mocks me, I swear.

Q4: I see on your profile that you are 26. I think when most people think of fan fiction writers they think of someone younger, usually a teenager. Do you encounter younger writers a lot? What do you think of this assumption?

A4: I do encounter younger writers a lot! Surprisingly, though, most writers I know are either in their late 20s or late late teens (say, 15~19). Most people tend to think I’m young anyway just because I look a lot younger than 26, but as far as fandom goes, it doesn’t really bother me if people think I’m younger than I am. Usually I’m pretty forward with how old I am on my profile anyway! But yeah, I’ve been around the fanfiction scene a while. The k-pop fandom in particular had a way of reminding me just how long on a pretty frequent basis lol.

Q5: Why did you begin writing fan fiction? If it was for a fandom, why did that particular thing make you begin writing? And, for your current fandoms?

A5: I used to tell myself stories to get to sleep or on long car trips as far back as I can remember, and most of the time they involved characters from my favorite shows of the day. Pokemon and Digimon were two big ones for me before I hit those fun preteen years. As far as what got me started actually putting those stories to paper, it was born of frustration with shows not going the way I wanted them to, so I’d write the ending I wanted to see. For Voltron in particular, it’s just SUCH a fun sandbox to play in, be it by utilizing the incredible world-building or the plethora of interesting characters to play around with. So many possibilities! *3*

Q6: Do you ever want to be published in a professional capacity one day?

A6: Yes and no. I flip flop on this ALL the time. I’d LOVE to see my stories on shelves, but I’m actually very insecure and sometimes the thought of people reading my stories makes me want to die of embarrassment and sink to the center of the earth. That said, if I win Nano this year, I may run it by some publishers, even if only to get feedback. (Although if you want to get TECHNICAL I am officially a published journalist; I was an assistant editor for one of The Big 3 kpop news sites for a while. The one that starts with S. Also another can of worms.)

Q7: Has writing fan fiction taught you anything? About writing? Reading? The fandom? Etc.

A7: Oh absolutely. I definitely would not be the writer I am today without fan fiction. I wouldn’t say I’m super skilled, but the critique I’ve received over the years has helped me more than I have words for, honestly. Not even just in the capacity of writing fiction; my academic and professional writing has improved too. Also, just like reading anything in high volume, reading fanfic has helped me learn to read like a writer, how to pick out things that authors do that I admire and try to emulate that, and conversely what doesn’t work for me so I can avoid those things.

As far as fandom goes, fanfiction can be quite polarizing, as I’m sure you’re well aware. Just in my experience by and large it can be kind of toxic, to be quite honest. The particular issue Voltron faces that I experienced to some extent in other fandoms but not quite to this degree, is fandom policing. I find that certain members of the fandom (which, in my experience, tends to actually be mostly among those younger demographics, though not exclusively so) see certain topics as morally wrong and therefore anyone who writes those topics are 1) romanticizing said topic and 2) automatically a disgusting, horrible person and they have no problems telling you about all about it. The number one thing I try to put out there in my interactions is live and let live, ship and let ship. If it makes you uncomfortable, that’s okay! But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong, and it’s definitely not okay to go around purporting hate in the name of “morality.” Sorry, didn’t mean to go off on a tangent there haha...

Q8: What is a piece you’ve written that you’re most proud of?

A8: Just in the Voltron fandom, I’d say the fic I’m most proud of is The Parting Glass, by far. Funny story about that one; I’d never heard the titular song before I came across a cover of it on Facebook one day around St. Patrick’s Day, and let me tell you something. The reaction I had was almost a spiritual experience, it was so visceral. I was in tears when I heard it, and the story came so hard and so fast that I wrote it in 2 days. It stayed with me until I got it down in writing. It was an interesting challenge for me, exploring the grief part of a character death fic while almost entirely omitting the actual dying part. It’s been a very long time since I’ve had such a vivid vision of exactly how a fic is going to go from start to finish and I’m quite happy with the way it turned out. Which is why, when I had the money to do so, I commissioned Cota to illustrate what had to be the hardest and yet my favorite part to write. She brought the scene to life so beautifully too, I’m really happy with how it turned out. Months later I still go back and stare at it!

Q9: Do you notice any stigma surrounding fan fiction or fan fiction writers?

A9: Without a doubt. People hear “fanfiction” and they think one of two things: the pudgy neckbeard who lives in his parents’ basement, or the rabid tween/teenage fangirl. It’s a rather unfortunate stereotype, because some works of fanfiction are truly works of art, more masterfully crafted than some novels I’ve seen published. Yet they get dismissed simply on the basis of being fanworks and not “original” (which, let’s be real, nothing is truly original anymore). One such example that comes to mind of a beautiful fic is those glittering instruments in the EXO fandom, which was based on the real-life destruction of the Library of Alexandria. If you can find a copy of it floating around the interwebs I HIGHLY recommend giving it a chance no matter what fandom you’re in!

Q10: If so, how do you feel about this stigma?

A10: Like I said, it’s really a shame. The thing, too, is that as young girls we’re often shamed for the things we’re passionate about, like boy bands and, well, fan fiction, while boys don’t get that kind of shame to such an intense degree (at least, not about the usual suspects, like sports and girls and such). Not to say that it doesn’t happen, but there’s something terribly sad about seeing more young people afraid to talk about a hobby that makes them happy because they’re afraid of being perceived as weird or gross or something like that. Hell, even to this day I have very few friends from outside the fandom sphere that know I write fanfiction, because they still talk bad and make mean jokes about fic writers. It’s such a silly thing, because a lot of famous works are derivative fiction and people don’t even realize it! So I hope the day comes soon that we can get over this silly stigma and just enjoy what people share (for free!! Seriously!! FULL NOVEL LENGTH WORKS. For FREE.)

Q11: Is there anything you’ve ever wanted to talk about or be asked that no one has asked you about or given you the opportunity to talk about? (And if so, feel free to answer/talk about it).

A11: I really had to think about this one! I couldn’t really pick one topic that I’ve really wanted to talk about that I haven’t already discussed, but no one has ever asked me if I was okay with having fanart of my work. Which I would answer with a resounding YES. I am more than okay with it QuQ

Oh, I guess I do have something!! It’s unrelated to writing (well, I guess it could be related, depending on how you look at it) but since I have your attention, if you’re an American citizen GO OUT AND VOTE. The midterm elections are one week from today in the USA and it’s important you go vote!! I won’t tell you who to vote for (a third can of worms I’m not opening up. WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY WORMS) but I assure you, your vote matters, now more than ever. I believe in you!! Go vote!!!

Q12: What is your prefered site for writing/posting fan fiction?

A12: These days I prefer to use AO3. It’s a work in progress, but it’s far and away the superior fic platform of the time. Back in ye olden days (circa 2010~2012) Livejournal was my platform of choice, and FF.net before that. A surprising number of people prefer to post their fic on tumblr, to which I say, are you out of your flipping MIND?!?! Tumblr is soooo temperamental, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had to restart a post or go into the HTML editor because the rich text editor decided to be stupid. Noooooo thank you. I’ll stick to AO3 thanks ahaha!

Check out Glitter’s Tumblr and AO3.

Interviewer Note: Glitter used her free question to encourage everyone to vote and I would just like to stress the importance of this, especially if live in the US. Young people are the demographic that votes the least, despite being the demographic that will have to live the longest with the outcome of the vote. If you are currently not registered, please register as it is important for all of our futures. And, remember the deadline for the upcoming US election is Nov. 6th, so make sure to get to those polls and/or turn/send in your ballot. If you need information on how to do any of these things, do not hesitate to reach out to my page and I will point you to trustworthy resources. 

[darcyfirth]

Hello, lovely! Here is a sort of proper reply to our rather unconventional "letters". Let's take a step back to a conversation or two ago, shall we...? 😂 'Heart's gleam' is truly the epitome of soft terms of endearment! It sounds so full of adoration and allows for such vulnerability. 'Here is my heart and you are the brightest part of it. Nay, the very reason for it's brightness.' Ugh. I love it. The other one I love is very cheesy indeed but never ceases to make me smile. It is... (1/?)

'My Dearest Fond Feeling', and, if what I once read many years ago is correct, 😆 it was the first greeting generated by a computer created to simulate love letters. Which is pretty remarkable in my opinion. But that part aside, there's something beautiful about the term in my opinion. I think maybe it's the feeling of being known? I'm not sure but there it is for you. Hehe.

As for games and gaming, I am -unfortunately, due to time restraints and lack of ways to play but not for lack of interest- not very well versed in what you were talking about in the second paragraph of our last proper letter. 😂 I'm so terribly sorry about that.

I parsed out that you've been watching... tutorials? Or rather, more advanced than that. Tips? Via FB in order to play better. Which sounds exciting! And I am sorry if your location is causing some issues. That's never fun. Though I could be not hitting the mark at all and you're laughing at my probably ancient sounding understanding of this. That's alright. I'm laughing too. 😂 I swear, I am capable of navigating technology! Mostly! 😋 Hehe.

I think the extent of my "gaming" is Sky and Stardew Valley... So do with that what you will. Haha. Oh gosh. Anyway... the cats are doing well! They're not particularly fond of all the rain we're getting here. Though they're inside kitties, they do love a good sunning on the porch and lately it's been too cloudy for any of that. They appreciate your love. I hope everything has been going well for you. That life is treating you with the kindness you so deserve and that paperwork and other obligations aren't getting you down.

I have been absolutely adoring re-reading all your lovely writing in my spare time. It's so precious. And poor Eggsy! I'll not give anything away but definitely loving your new chapter. You never cease to make me smile. Anyway... Thank you for indulging me in the softness of these letters. Take care, dear heart. 💛 -🍄

Hi 🍄 anon ^ ^

I’m so glad to finally have the time to reply to you today. It took me a while to finalise my drafts, write, and edit the last chapters of the (now complete) fic.

‘My dearest fond feeling’ honestly sounds so tender and sweet and I’m surprised to learn about the origin of its use. I think there are various ways one can call their loved ones, and as long as it is expressed fully with sincere feelings, the sentiment will find a way to come through.

(And this is completely unrelated but hello world is a song by Louie Zong which I have been listening to on loop and it is performed purely by a virtual singer software. Its lyrics are simple yet melancholic and slightly innocent at the same time. I just adore it.)

I have heard of Sky and once downloaded it to play with friends, unfortunately they thought it wasn’t as exciting as Identity V so we haven’t given it a chance since then. The bad internet connection is detrimental to my game experience because I know how it causes my characters’ speed to slow down and in a game of cat and mouse that means I’ll lose easily without good backup from my teammates.

I hope your cats catch a lot of sleep while staying indoors. It has been quite rainy here as well, with rare days of sunshine and warmth, and I think that also affects my neighbour’s cats. They love lounging on his/her lawn or running around on my roof and fences. I’d love to pet them some day (with their owner’s consent of course).

I wish you a great start of the week and remember to stay safe, no matter which degree of lockdown your city is under <3

[toast-the-unknowing]

lydia-st-james tagged me in a writing in review meme, which, man. That takes me back. I haven't done one of these in ages.

Main take-aways: 1. 2017 was the year of the long-ass fic titles, apparently. 2. It only took ten freaking years but I can mostly write romance without dying of embarrassment. Mostly. 3. Ten years has not been long enough to teach me how to start something and just finish it already before starting twenty more things. Seriously, there are so many stories that I started this year that I keep thinking ya'll have read already and then I remember that no one has read those because I haven't finished them yet. Oh well. Maybe 2018 will be a year of extraordinary personal growth and self-discipline. Spoiler alert: it won't be.

Anyway. These are the things that I've published so far this year.

Listed in chronological order of publication, with one exception:

new worlds for the weary, new lands for the living Okay, so, I don't know if anyone else thinks of any of their stories this way, but I have a very small handful of fics that are my heartsong fics. I don't think of them as being stories. I think of them as being thousands of words of meta and criticism and gushing and character love and, just, me, pouring my heart out over some aspect of canon that is important to me, and then maybe if I'm lucky, I trick people into reading it and thinking it's a story.

Yeah. This is one of those. I started this story before I had even finished Blue Lily, Lily Blue, which is not a thing I do. I always finish canon (to whatever extent canon exists at the time of my joining fandom) before I start writing. But I wanted so badly to write about Adam and Ronan and how I felt about their relationship that I couldn't wait.

This was something like a five month writing process all told, and I'm really happy with the end result. The moment where Ronan smears ink on Adam's face, in particular, I'm very proud of. I'm proud of that whole fight scene, really, but that moment is such a strong visual, and I'm not generally great at creating those.

don't think about how much it will hurt God, I still hate this title, but I do love this fic. It exists because I had been toying around with a canon-divergent AU that I quickly realized was going to take a shit-ton of work and not actually be that interesting. I ditched the AU, but there was one scene I liked enough that I didn't want to give up on it (Ronan trying to provoke Adam into punching him and then holding his hand while wondering wtf he's doing), and I realized it could pretty easily be made canon-compliant and given the legs to stand on its own.

I briefly considered tagging this as "preslash if you consider fighting and bad decisions to be flirting, which if you ship pynch, you probably do," and then I considered how poorly that would match the tone of this story. I am very happy with the tone of this story. It was hard to write, and I think it's hard to read, and it's a better story for it.

the more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind NO ONE ON EARTH READ THIS FIC BUT I DON'T GIVE A SHIT I LOVE IT. There are so many, many, many things in this fic that make me happy: -Clarke being an unholy mashup of my sister and talldecafcappuccino -"You thought that there was an intersection of sentimentality and camp that Miller wouldn't be interested in?" -Just, Murphy. All of Murphy. -The Inseparable, Indestructible Blake Siblings (which is when the Blake siblings are at their best, fuck you, canon) -"Do you ever worry that we're going to turn out to be warped people with unhealthy relationships/Honestly at this point I'm counting on it." -the whole scene where Raven friend-dumps Clarke -Monty taking "gas grass or ass" too seriously -Nate's stupid "you know what they say about those guys with Bigfoot" t-shirt (I would wear that t-shirt)

Like, I know why this story wasn't successful as an item of fan culture. And I acknowledge that there are weaknesses in the writing. But I still fucking love it.

so familiar, like an old bedtime song Ugh, this was called "came in quiet with the rain" right up until the very second I published it and then I changed my mind and I still regret it. Never second gues yourselves, kids. (Either way: "Raising Cain" is a good Adam/Ronan song.) I wrote about half of this on a whim and then shoved it in a corner waiting for inspiration for the longer story that I thought it was meant to be a part of. Then I was sitting around on Adam's birthday/my birthday weekend, a little tipsy in the middle of the day, and I decided, nah, this can be a standalone. I'm not kidding myself that it's great literature but I think it does what it sets out to do well.

The Fake Geek Boy Job This is a rare example, for me, of coming up with a title first and writing the story around it. So that was fun. I was so, so, so happy with the response to this fic. I've written case fic before, but I'm not good at heists, and I was really worried that the way I handle the heavier plot elements here – basically cutting around them and explaining all of the offstage action through snarky banter – was going to feel like cheating. Like, there's probably a version of this story that's 20k words longer and is twice as good, but it would have taken ten times as much work. It seems like people understood the plot as it stands and didn't feel robbed, and it was such a relief to hear that.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name IT IS THE PROUDEST ACCOMPLISHMENT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE that there are only two fanfics on AO3 tagged with the relationship tag "Quark & Jake Sisko" and I wrote both of them. Though I fully admit that "Everybody Comes to Quark's" is the better story of the two. This one feels like the first half is from one story and the second half is from a different story and neither of those two stories is complete, per se. But love a lot of the individual lines, character moments, etc. Also, just, any times spend with my beloved ridiculous giraffe boy Jake is good time.

faith, hope, all that bullshit This is the best thing that I have ever written that is based on a typo. And...I don't really know how to talk about this fic beyond that. It took something like seven months of on-again-off-again work; I am super grateful to Pynch Week for giving me the kick in the pants to finish it. There were so many things that were challenging about this – I hated everything in life the entire time I was writing Matthew. Plus trying to write all the characters as being a little older and more mature and their relationships as having progressed. But it was worth it because there are so many moments in this fic that just are still living in my head, even though I've put the fic down.

I think my favorite scene of all is the Christmas Eve scene, partly because I love Declan and partly because I love the "fucking Cain ruined it for the rest of us" exchange. But from a craft point of view I'm proud of that scene a lot. The first scene is its own contained story with beginning/middle/end; the Christmas Eve scene is what makes the proposal scene the beginning of a longer story, and it happens without the POV character understanding that it's happening. I'm pretty happy with how that all turned out.

People really liked the wedding scene, which is gratifying and totally baffling. That scene was murder to write. I don't even want to plan my own wedding, now I got to make one up for someone else? Of course, I mean. I cheated, because I didn't actually write the reception. Maybe the lesson here is if I don't even want to write a scene then for sure no one would want to read it?

Word on the Street This is another one, like The Fake Geek Boy Job, where I think there's a version of the story that's twice as good and eight times as long and a hundred times more work to write; I'm satisfied with my version. Also, I think the longer version is much more serious, whereas this is a comedy and I am happy with it as a comedy. Adam maybe comes off a little poorly, in the way that comedy characters sometimes come off dickish/rude/sociopathic. But it makes me laugh and honestly if I make myself laugh I'm happy. (That's not to say I'm never going to write the epic tale of how Ronan becomes Greywaren – I know what the first line of it is – but it's a real low priority).

come out of the cupboard, you boys and girls OKAY I WROTE THIS IN LIKE LITERALLY TWO DAYS AND YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW HAPPY THAT MAKES ME. Even just writing something of this length usually takes weeks if not months between when I start it and when I finish it. This was like a dirty little fling, and as someone who never has dirty little flings either in life or in writing, that was a fun change of pace.

The Dragon's Nest Avatar: The Last Airbender is, in my eyes, basically a perfect television show, and it's a lot harder to write fic for something that you think is well-written/complete on its own, because where do you and your fanwriting fit in? As such, this was a challenge, but I'm pretty happy with it. Alchemicink, for whom this was written, mentioned being happy just from seeing the "intergenerational friendship" tag, and I gotta say I was happy just from getting to use that tag. And any day you get to write Toph stomping around yelling at people is a good day.

while we're on the subject, could we change the subject now So credit where credit is due: lydia-st-james gave me the prompts here and put up with my intermittent screeching as I was working on it. It took me a while to get it all done, but I wrote literally 13k words of this in the first four days, which is bonkers; I'm usually much more of a percolator in the early stages of writing. As such a lot of the outlining process is lost to the sands of time. I don't remember making an actual decision to set this in LA; I think my subconscious realized before I did that this was going to be a story about loneliness and depression, and, fairly or unfairly, I associate loneliness and depression with the city of Los Angeles. In any case, it gave me lots of opportunities to throw shade at LA and I'm always down for that, and I've loved hearing people respond to the specificity of the location.

It's funny to me that people are responding to this one so strongly because I don't generally groove on fake dating; I’ve never written it as a trope and I always find it hard to swallow as a reader. I wonder if there's something to be said for writing tropes one is somewhat critical of. Though I don't think, generally, it works out when people write a thing they actively hate. It's a theory I'm tinkering with, anyway.