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fluffyasra · 6 years

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Apprentice Questionnaire!

I figured, what better way to introduce my MC (and myself, and this blog) than by filling this out?!

What is their full name? Elit Aroha Wingate

Zodiac sign: Aquarius (her birthday is February 14th)

In detail describe how they look: She is fairly short in stature, and a little chubby. She has long rosy blonde hair that falls in big, loose waves. She has a smattering of light freckles across her nose and cheeks, with a few light ones on her shoulders. Her eyes are a dark green and she has long, dark lashes. She has a small, straight nose, and ears that are ever so slightly larger than average, which she is very self conscious about. Although she is very soft, she has surprisingly small, bony wrists, and small hands and feet.

How old are they? 21 years old

What clothes to they like to wear? She usually wears a loose white blouse that sits off her shoulders, and burgundy harem pants. She likes anything that’s comfortable and makes her look mysterious. She doesn’t like to show off her figure, although when she does she often gets complimented on her hourglass figure.

What’s their favorite piece of clothing? A pink square scarf made of silk that she was given as a gift, although she can’t remember who gave it to her. She likes to use it to tie back her hair.

Any piercings? Only two in her ear lobes. She’s afraid of the pain of other piercings.

Do they have any other jewelry they wear? She has a rose quartz necklace, on a long leather thong. She also has a gold ring with a small heart-shaped ruby, and a matching bracelet, that she wears all the time.

Any tattoos? No. She admires them on other people, but doesn’t have any of her own.

How old are they? -//-

What do they smell like? She smells like jasmine, neroli, mandarins and Asra’s smoky tea.

What are their four trinkets? A small opal, her ruby ring, an elegant but chipped tea cup, and her pink slipper.

GOVERNMENT MANDATED FERSONA A cat

What kind of magic are they good at? She is very creative and enjoys magic that reflects this. However, she can also be studious when necessary, and is able to quickly master even complex spells, as she is a fast learner.

What kind of magic are they bad at? She has never been good at any kind of offensive magic, as she is too afraid of harming anyone around her to practice.

Of the four, six or seven magical elements which are they most connected to? Four: fire,air water earth. six: fire,air,water, wood,earth, metal. Seven:fire, air, water, wood, earth, metal, aither. Elit loves to be around water, which is reflected in her magic. She loves swimming, rainy weather, baths...anything that means she can be around water.

What does their gateway look like prior to their memory loss? What does it look like afterwards? Prior to her memory loss, it’s lots of pink and gold tones. It looks like a sunset over a lake. Fluffy clouds, shimmering sunlight. Afterwards, it’s the same place, but all the colours have faded. There’s a silvery haze over the whole scene now.

Do they have a familiar? If they do. What type of animal is it? What is it’s name? Is it still around after they lost their memory? She used to have a black cat named Bella (like Belladonna) but can’t remember her any more. Bella still hangs around, checking up on Elit, but Elit doesn’t realise the connection at the moment.

Have they ever cursed someone? No! She could never. She can hold a grudge though.

How do they handle those headaches/migraines? Sleep and tea are her ultimate remedy for everything. A huge cup of tea, and getting tucked up in her quilt are her favourite way to cope.

What tarot card do they connect the most with? Strength. She shines most through patience and compassion.

Where were they born? She was born in a busy coastal town with a big focus on fishing. Her family moved to Vesuvia for a lifestyle change, to move to what they perceived to be a higher class area.

What is their favorite color? Pink!

What is their least favorite color? Orange

Are they right handed, left handed or ambidextrous? Right handed

What were they like as a child? Elit was quietly curious, and very shy. She spent a lot of her time playing alone, or roping her parents into her games. She enjoyed exploring the beach in her hometown, and playing ‘house’. She did well at school and loved to read, but had few friends.

What were their parents like? Her mother was kind and gentle, but also exuberant and outgoing. She had many friends, and loved to entertain, hosting them for meals on a regular basis. She owned a tea house, which fit her personality well. She was friendly with most of her regular customers, and always had time to chat with them. Elit’s father was more serious and quiet, but still had a good, kind heart. He worked long hours as a book keeper for the bank in town.

Do they have any siblings? If the answer is yes how many? No, Elit’s mother was very ill when she was pregnant and was advised not to risk a second child.

Do they have any other relatives they are close with? Elit used to be close with her cousins in her hometown, but didn’t really keep in touch when they moved, and now doesn’t remember them anyway.

What are they afraid of? She is terribly afraid of spiders and of losing Asra, as he is the only person close to her.

What do they identify as? Female

Do they have any allergies? No.

Do they have any other medical problems? No. Elit is physically fairly healthy.

What about mental health issues? She struggles with anxiety, but has been working on improving her coping techniques and strategies.

What’s that personal hygiene regimen like? Elit loves to bathe, and is always very clean.

Favorite rock or gemstone? Rose quartz, as it symbolises love to her.

Favorite tree? Jacaranda. She loves the flowers.

Favorite type of weather? Rain!

Least favorite type of weather? Hot and humid.

What is their favorite season? She loves autumn, as the temperature is cool, and it rains often.

How many languages could they speak before the memory loss? How many do they currently speak? Before her memory loss, Elit could speak a local dialect of her hometown, but no longer remembers, so can only speak one.

Do they sing or play any instruments? Elit loves to sing. She isn’t great, but definitely isn’t terrible either. She can play the harp.

What do they tend to joke about? Most of her jokes are quite self-deprecating.

After a stressful day how do they relax? With a bath with lots of oils, a huge mug of hot tea, and spending time alone. She loves being around Asra, but needs time to herself to relax.

Guilty pleasures? She secretly loves going to the marketplace, buying a whole loaf of fresh white bread, and eating it all while watching the shows people often put on for the children.

idiosyncrasies? She will only drink out of mugs, never glassware. Elit is very sentimental, and keeps every card and letter she receives. She will find one thing that she loves to eat, and eat nothing else for a couple of weeks.

How do they act when they first meet someone new? How quickly do they warm up to them? Elit is very shy, and hates meeting new people. However, she has become quite good at putting on a front and acting friendly. It takes her a while to warm to someone, and is easily put off them.

In what order would they prioritize Love, fame, money, power, and knowledge? Love, knowledge, money, power, fame.

List four or more things they love to do: Elit loves swimming, baking, singing, reading, learning new magic and visiting new and exciting places with Asra.

List four or more things they hate to do: She hates doing the dusting, and is attempting to formulate a spell to do this for her. She also hates being in large social situations, running and having to ask shop assistants for help.

List five or more things they have said that sum up who they are: “You big dummy!” “Yikes” “I love this song, it’s sooOOoOoOoooOO romantic!” “Excuse me, sir, but that is MY spot and nobody else can sit there.” “No, thank you.”

How do they react to (both verbal and physical) conflict? Elit is very passive, and avoids conflict wherever possible. If she finds herself in a situation, she is most likely to back down and let the other person win.

What kind of bad habits to they have? She is very messy, and is forever leaving her belongings lying around. She is also often inclined to be quite judgemental of others.

What kind of character faults do they have? She is absent minded and forgetful, which often leads to her having to start over on tasks, due to her losing focus halfway through. She can also occasionally come across as being very blunt, as she gets nervous and ends up just saying exactly what she means.

What’s their best trait in their opinion? Physically, she likes her hands. Personality wise, she likes the way she looks after those she cares for.

What do they think of their appearance? Most of the time, she is fairly indifferent. She doesn’t think she’s anything special, but also doesn’t hate the way she looks. Although, she is often hung up about her weight.

How do they interact with people in a position of authority? Elit is very respectful, having grown up with such a serious father. She prefers speaking to people in these positions as there is a formula to follow when she talks, and she doesn’t have to think on her feet too much.

Who did they look up to as a kid? She always wanted to be like her mum, confident and well loved. She also admired the hardworking fishermen in her town, and respected their dedication.

How do they interact with kids? She doesn’t like babies and toddlers much, but loves children! She will happily join their games, and her imagination is almost as wild as theirs.

Do they want kids of their own someday? She would love nothing more than to have her own family.

Are they religious? If so what god/goddess or gods/goddesses do they worship? Elit doesn’t follow any one religion, but likes to draw principles of kindness and respect from different areas.

What do they think the meaning of life is? To love, and be loved.

What would they want their last words to be? To tell her family how much she loves them.

What do they want to do before they die? So many things! She wants to see more of the world, learn as much about magic as she possibly can, reconnect with relatives and fall in love (properly).

What/how do they want to be remembered for after they die? For being sunshine in human form.

How do they express affection? In every way possible! Elit is very affectionate with those she truly cares about. She loves to give presents, and the people especially close to her are fortunate to receive her hugs.

What do they normally eat for breakfast? She doesn’t often eat breakfast, but she loves pancakes. She would usually just have a cup of tea.

Do they like spicy food? Yes!

Favorite fruit and/or vegetable? Her favourite fruits are tropical ones like pineapples, melons, and mangoes. She much prefers vegetables though, and particularly like courgettes.

Do they like sweets? Elit has a huge sweet tooth.

Do they drink alcohol? If they do, what do they act like when they’re drunk? She does drink, but not all that often. She is a huge flirt and overly affectionate when she’s drunk, which has got her into some awkward situations!

How do they take their tea/coffee? Her tea is always clean, no milk or sugar, but on the rare occasion she has coffee, she likes it with lots of frothed up milk.

What food would they refuse to eat? She can’t stand eggplant.

Is there anything they eat that most people would find unappealing? Elit loves most seafood, and really likes mushrooms.

When going on the road what food could they not live without? Bread!

What meal gives them a sense of nostalgia? Baked fish is something her mum often made. Fragrant with lemon and fresh herbs, the smell evokes a nostalgic feeling inside her that she cannot currently place.

What do they do when no one’s around? She loves to sing and dance like crazy to get out any excess energy. She is also quite partial to a snoop through Asra’s things.

How would they react if a prized possession got stolen? She would cry, and enlist the help of everyone she could to get it back.

What’s the first thing they would buy if they won the lottery? A private bathhouse.

What would their favorite modern invention be? Tumblr! She would enjoy the connection with likeminded people without having to physically meet them.

In a new unfamiliar place what do they do? Explore! Elit loves new places. She would, however, prefer Asra to be by her side though.

Someone just threatened them what do they do? Try to calm and soothe the person. She doesn’t do conflict, so would try to avoid the situation.

A rather well rich looking woman just dropped her purse and didn’t notice. What do they do? Return it (and secretly hope for a reward!).

What’s the worst thing someone has said to them? That she doesn’t deserve her happiness.

What is the strangest thing they’ve ever come across? Asra has loads of...interesting things in his possession that she’s found while snooping, But she can never ask about them, because then he’ll know she was snooping.

Someone just stole food from them what do they do? Let them, and not say anything, but inside be annoyed.

They meet a man at a crossroads. The man says they can have everything they’ve ever wanted. What happens next? She would be curious, but her inner cynic would take over. She’d say “no thank you” and leave.

As a child what would they say they wanted to be as an adult? ie. When I grow up I’m going to _______ She would have loved to be a writer.

What’s their D&D alignment? Chaotic good.

What is the stupidest thing they’ve ever done? As a child, she almost caused a fire by trying to melt marshmallows using the heating in her bedroom.

Have they ever got in trouble with the law or been arrested? No, even if she had done anything to warrant her arrest, Elit is sneaky enough to not get caught.

Do they know how to win a fight? Probably not.

Are they good at hand to hand combat? Again, probably not. She can hold her own for a while, but would be unlikely to win.

Have they ever stolen something? When she was a kid, Elit used to steal small tokens from people and give them to her friends as gifts.

Have they ever killed someone? No!

What/who do they find disgusting? She is terribly squeamish and is disgusted by anything medical or otherwise that would trigger this.

What upsets them the most? Unrequited love. Either her own, or when her friends are pining after someone.

What anime character would they be? Nagisa from Free!

What disney character would they be? Snow White

What monster would they be? Some kind of ghoul

What mythological figure would they be? Undine

List three songs that you associate with them. Let Me Down Slowly by Alec Benjamin, broken by lovelytheband, and Take My Breath Away by Berlin.

#arcana #the arcana #the arcana game #mc #oc #my oc #the arcana mc #tag game #questionnaire #elit #mine #my post #original character #main character #thearcanagame

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aguiiilar · 6 years

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[ liza soberano / cis female / she/her] ┆‹ ❝ oh, them? that’s [ dyra & aguilar ], one of vivienne’s precious sixteen. they’re known around here as a [ middlemen ], which works since they’re [ expressive ] but also [ brusque ]. let’s hope they mess up soon, so another one can rise. ❞ ›

OK HII so ig was /that/ tired yesterday bc i actually fell asleep right when it opened for plotting lmao. but!! im here now and ready to plot w everyone :’) so i’m may and i’m currently 20 & i live in the gmt time zone!!! pls bear with me tho when it comes to dyra (pronounced as die-rah) bc she’s still kinda new and needs to be more fleshed out bc i also dont have her full bio yet lol you can find some basic info abt her under the cut!!

► GENERAL INFORMATION

FULL NAME: aguilar, dyra araya NICKNAMES: dee AGE: twenty DATE OF BIRTH: 31st of october ZODIAC: scorpio PLACE OF BIRTH: manila, philippines GENDER: cis female SPOKEN LANGUAGES: english, tagalog SEXUALITY: bi

► APPEARANCE

FACE CLAIM: liza soberano HEIGHT: 175cm WEIGHT: 55 kg DOMINANT HAND: right HAIR COLOR: dark brown EYE COLOR: brown BUILD: slim

TW: some mentions of murder, sexual harassment, physical abuse & alcohol

► BULLET POINTS

honestly?? she’s actually kinda nice

that is if she doesnt accidentally spill her actual thoughts hgsinfd

so let’s just say she /tries/ to be nice

anyways

dyra was born into a pretty poor family and was the youngest of the 5

her dad was an alcoholic & her mom couldnt handle it, but anytime she’d try to fix everything, it would only make things worse, resulting in having to hide the bruises from her children

ofc dyra’s older siblings noticed and knew what was up, the oldest one even ended up trying to fight the father, but sadly couldnt survive all the beatings

that same night, her mom took all her children with her to run away

dyra was only 9 by then

bc her mom had little to no money, she couldnt afford to even take care of her and her kids

her only option left was to put the ones who were still underage up for adoption

she did this by leaving 3 at different adoption centers so that the father would have a difficult time finding them if he tried, having the eldest of 18 stay with her

that was the last time dyra had seen any of her family members

years passed, as well as households, but the girl was too unstable to stay with any

except for one

though it was an unusual household, as it wasn’t an actual family, but rather a “family” of adopted teens, somehow it felt like an actual home to her

dyra was 16 when she had given the order to deliver a package, in return she’d receive money. she had no idea what was in that package, but whatever it was- it must’ve been expensive as hell, as she got an envelope shoved into her hands containing more money than she’d ever seen

the girl had accepted her “job” as a deliverer, despite the fact that as time passed, the harder it got, things had to become more secretive, clients got greedier, richer, dirtier, you name it. her body got used to the hands that’d caress her body a little too long for her liking

it was clear that at some point the clients wanted more than the package, seeing who’d deliver it- there was no denying dyra was a pretty woman

as if she had nothing left to lose, she’d just accept her fate as some sort of escort

one night, when she had to deliver a package to a new client, she would’ve never expected to deliver it to someone who’d turn her life around once more; vivienne

a new, somewhat better life was offered and dyra grabbed it with both hands, she had enough experience and seemed good enough for someone, why not? the feeling of getting to prove herself left her with a warm rush

who knew something so little as a yes could do so much?

SORRY this is kinda eh but i promise her bio will b Nice and more Detailed

SO YA IF YOU’D LIKE TO PLOT WITH ME THEN PLS!! im rly nice and i love plotting ok :’)

#emerald:intros #ok i might finish her bio this week and then i'll link u guys okokokok

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peakyblinders-au · 6 years

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Kassandra Shelby née Kitakis

Submit to “peakyblinders-au” on Tumblr

Tumblr Url & Your Real Name: @peakersblindy - Erika

Character Full Name: Kassandra Shelby née Kitakis

Nicknames/Alias: Kassie

Backstory for nicknames/alias/names: you don’t have to add anything here if its unnecessary

Gender: Female, she/her

Gender Role: housewife & mommy

Sexual Orientation: straight (unless may carleton shows up)

Age: 27

Birthday: November 26, 1892

Deathday: please don’t kill me i need to make sure my son is ok

Birthplace: Sparta, Greece

Ethnicity: Greek-born but raised in England (Greek English??)

Family Members: not related to any of the Shelby’s or their friends by blood but by marriage/child through Tommy

Children: Tommy and I have a son together, little James Rokko Shelby. I met Tommy while he was in France as a tunneller, I was a nurse in the army and had to bandage him up fairly often. We understood each other well and fell in love and had a baby. Jamesy was born in France and is only a few months old when we get to go home

Face shape: oval

Eye colour: green

Hair colour: brown

Hairstyle: Long and wavy like a goddess

Skin tone: light olive skin (that tans easily)

Complexion: like a goddamn porcelain doll (not really but i wish so yeah make her beautiful!)

Body type/Build: thin with proportionate features

Height: 5’5”

Weight: 125 lbs

Breast size: 34b

Facial Hair: no thank you except for eyebrows

Scars/Birthmarks/Prominent Features: septum piercing (does that count?)

Preferred hand: Rightie

Health: able-bodied

Phobias: drowning, James losing his daddy

Addictions: whiskey and cigarettes because of Tommy (but she enjoys them responsibly because mom)

Mental Disorders: Has severe daddy issues from a messed up childhood, only Tommy knows the truth about it and knows how to comfort her and help the nightmares. She just needs to feel loved and taken care of and Tommy does that for her.

Attitude: SPICY very spicy, but also very loving and compassionate and friendly to those she trusts. She’s an actual Spartan so no one messes with her. She has resting bitch face (much like Tommy which is why they understand each other). She would literally take a bullet to the head for her son.

Expressions: lots of angry eyebrows, she bites her lip when she’s nervous or worried, lots of shrugs and “idk” when she is annoyed

Residence: She lives in Tommy’s mansion. She shares a bed with him (on the nights he actually sleeps) She’s the Wifey™

Political Affiliation: She grew up dirt poor so she probably secretly admires commies but she would never join herself. She tends to take Tommy’s side on politics whatever it may be at the moment

Friends: She is close with Arthur, Ada and Finn, but tends to butt heads with John. She’s friends with mostly everyone as she is known as Mrs. Shelby and likes to keep her acquaintances in good standing. Childhood friend of Alfie Solomons. He was her older neighbor growing up in Camden Town and she spent hours playing with him to get away from her dad. She is very good friends with Ekaterina, she took her in because she saw a tiny part of her younger, wilder self in her. And also probably Nikki and Denise’s characters- if that’s okay?

Enemies: She’s a Shelby now so anyone who crosses them is dead to her. She doesn’t like Kimber, Sabini, or anyone else that takes a stab at her husband/baby daddy.

Boss: Tommy is her boss, she is an integral part of the business because she handles ALL of Tommy’s paperwork

Pets: James has a small white dog that follows him everywhere and protects him at all times (You can name him)

Finances: She works for and with the Shelby family so she’s a Rich Bitch™

Marital Status: married Tommy in France by the river after she told him she was preggy

Sex Life: HELL YEAH smut this bitch up!

Lovers: she’s only ever fucked Tommy and isn’t tryna get with anyone else YET

Turn-ons: omg all the dommy!tommy stuff pretty much: choking, spanking, spitting, hair pulling, nipple tugging; when Tommy comes home covered in blood

Turn-offs: Creepy old men, she is very wary of men who remind her of her dad

Dom or Sub: sub but can definitely be dom and take control of the situation when asked (or hinted at)

Fantasies: I’m gonna aim high and say a threesome with Tommy and Michael…

Occupation: she manages all the clerical work for Shelby Company Ltd. so she’s at the office most days, but she’s with her little boy every minute she’s not working

Income: Shelby money

Work Experience: she took care of the wounded men at the Somme

Religion: I’m with tommy on this one: ALL RELIGION IS A FOOLISH ANSWER TO A FOOLISH QUESTION

Criminal Record: A baddie at heart and when no one’s looking but never on paper

Morals: morals because she has to teach her son to be a proper gentleman but also no morals because she deals with the Shelby’s and their enemies

Main Goal: Main goal is just to support Tommy and his terrible decisions, and raise their son and try to steer him away from the family business and send him to school to become a scientist or something

Ambitions: really just wants to be a good wife and mommy, set a good example for her son

Regrets: never going to school for a proper career

Secrets: Her dad was a real piece of shit and molested her throughout her infancy and childhood hence her severe daddy issues- Tommy is the only person alive who knows about it and can soothe her

Best memories: when she told Tommy she was pregnant and Tommy looked at her wide-eyed as a single tear started to fall down his cheek and the biggest smile come over him, he took her face in his hands and put their foreheads together “so you’re havin’ my baby eh?”

Worst memories: the last few months in France were akin to torture because everyday as she sat rubbing her growing belly, she hoped Tommy would come back at the end of the day. She was so afraid of seeing him go into the tunnels and never come back out.

Hobbies: She loves to knit little hats and gloves for Jamesy, she also knits Tommy some hats and he’s been seen wearing them only to be made fun of my his brothers. She also loves to have a few whiskeys with Tommy at the end of a long day ;)

Skills: she was an army nurse so she is a first aid expert and is the one everyone runs to when they’ve gotten hurt in a fight or an accident

Likes: rainy days by the fire, dark colors, flowers, laughing, being a mommy

Dislikes: blatantly rude people, people who overstep their boundaries, know-it-alls

Superstitions: the only thing she believes in is science

Quirks: she’s weird and clumsy but also very knowledgeable about certain things

Guilty Pleasures: talking back, getting people to admit they’re wrong

Strengths: charming, good with money, loyal to a fault, organized, she just loves to make sure her people feel supported

Weaknesses: JEALOUS, a little vain, argumentative, doesn’t like to give in, can be childish

Languages: Greek, English, and French (learned it to talk with the soldiers)

Accent: from Camden Town so ?? Londony i guess

Speech Impediments: none

Voice: kinda on the low side but gets increasingly higher when she’s excited about something

Reputation: she doesnt really have one she’s just known for being Tommy’s wife/secretary and baby momma

Backstory: She comes from immigrant parents with 4 siblings so she was always kinda scraping what she could for herself and always very independent. She had a tumultuous relationship with both her parents and at the age of 18 she left to join the army as a nurse. She didn’t care what she had to so as long as she got to get away from her awful father. She ended up breaking off all contact with her family. During her time as a nurse she saw it all: broken bones, missing limbs, and strained spirits. That is where she met Thomas Shelby. He had been shot when he was brought in. She had never seen a soldier look so handsome and perfect while lying there bleeding. That was the first of many times she bandaged Tommy up and sent him back out to the battlefield. They became very close and eventually she became pregnant. It was shock all around at first and then instant excitement and love and hope for the future. They were married by the river in front of all their friends and Tommy’s brothers. Their baby boy was born in France but soon after they were able to come home and Tommy brought his new family back to Small Heath.

#eris kitakis pbau #eris kitakis #eris kitakis post #submission

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15001700tt · 3 years

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Reflections of the Deep Sense of Self

well, i dont really have an audience except for a handful of mutuals and the many porn bots that i cant seem to get rid of no matter how hard i try but i am still gonna use this platform to voice out my thoughts since i have too many of them and i feel like i might drown if i don't talk about them.

i dont necessarily think that i am a person that is easily swayed by men, i was able to emotionally control myself quite effectively in my youth.

my first crush was simply a pick from the crowd to stop my friends nagging about who it was. i just observed the crowd and picked the most likely to not interact with my sort and said "him, he is so cute!" hoping that my friends wouldn't see through my facade. i didn't want to like anyone just because of their looks but I had quite literally not spoken to the male sort in my entire life (not including men I am related to, I was in all girl private school before I moved to America's public system) to develop an interest in them in a romantic or infatuated way even.

now this is just my introduction to my philosophical essay about whether hurt/ mentally ill people are inherently evil but I must admit that this was started because of other reasons. we might not even get to touch on that either, i tend to ramble and not get to the point effectively.

if you followed me long enough you would know that I was talking to a man I might've called Viking. but we do not talk anymore after I made my feelings clear to him.

i feel many things, most of the time, its anger, the other times, confusion, hurt, rejection..etc. but I do not blame him. mostly because, i am quite annoying as a human being.

one of the things i took to as a way to distract me from the pain, was reading. i read so much that it was impossible to feel anything except the emotions that I was told to through a page. but in between books I would have nights where i wouldnt be able to focus on the words, and I would ponder what was it i did wrong, what was it that made him deem me worthless, not worth responding to. and I would come up blank because my self-preservation wont allow me believe that because I made my intentions clear that I was in the wrong to do so when I feIt that our relationship was taking the wrong turn. if I am allowed to call it a relationship, because quite frankly it was a level below a situationship and a level above a friendship. that I was quite sure of.

as I sit here and write after almost two months of silence from his end and mine, because I refuse to be the one to break it. call it pride, call it stubbornness, I was not the one to ghost the other. i refuse to chase after someone who clearly does not want me. but still can't deny that I lay in bed every night at some godforsaken hours of the night wishing, and hoping that he would just take a step towards me. as I had done to him that one Wednesday afternoon in April.

my point is that my interest in men started out of necessity but it has evolved into a yearning of something that seems quite unattainable. i am not attractive by any means, but I am not of the ugliest sort. i have seen people with more weight with worse features than I with partners who could care less about appearances. which to say that my looks shouldn't be any good reason to ghost me. and while I don't necessarily think that my appearance was the reason for the silence I do struggle with the way l look so my insecurities have found a very good home in the found silence from him. i am working on losing weight out of a bet with friends but also out of bitterness but nevertheless, he is a man and if he wont block me than he must see what he is missing out on.

but again, I used to think I would never be that girl. the one who wanted something but she cant have it. which is quite the diabolical because the entirety of the 11 months we talked I had many panic/ anxiety attacks over how our appearances didn't match, our aesthetics weren't compatible, about how I was too ugly for him or too fat for him. but he seemed the sort that was straightforward and didnt waste other peoples times. i guess i was wrong in the sense that he kept me around because he was bored and disposed of me when it got too serious for his liking. i thought i always had the upperhand, that if things ended i wouldnt be too hurt about it and do what i do best, find the next boy to obsess over.

funny enough, he seemed interested. but i cant know for sure. i mightve made it up in my head.

i have a fear, which shouldnt be a fear but it is. remember how i said that my first crush was out of necessity? well that seems to be the case with me from 7th grade to the end of highschool. which is crazy because you would think with all the men i obsess over that i would find men attractive. i think there is a clear line between celebrities and fiction characters from a real person with undeliberate faults and thing you cant control.

i never thought any of my crushes were ugly, they were good looking but they didnt make me feel attracted to them. it didnt help that i was also the type to watch from a far and not the get close and comfortable.

considering this my first person that i liked and held an 11 months conversation/-ship with i think i did very good but that doesnt change that i read too many romantic book and i had a silver of hope.

a silver of hope that maybe i wasnt weird or shitty for not feeling attracted to anyone in my life. that i finally found someone who literally embodied my dream guy and couldnt have been more perfect. if only he was better at communicating.

he says that he is traumatized from long distance relationships, i now understand that it mightve been his fault. he doesnt communicate. in the 11 months we have known each other i know about a handful of things about him while he had me all figured out. except for one thing. he never got my fear of relationships. since i suspect he ghosted me because he thought i would want one. i guess ghosting me seemed like his best option.

i might not be undesireable but i am not anyone's first choice either. usingmedia to distract me from my emotions literally has become my life. i read about 15 hockey romances the weeks after the ghosting. i was already reading regency era adult romances but i couldnt bring myself to finish them because i had spoken to him about them. this decision i will regret because i talked about everything with him. i mentioned this before. quite literally everything reminds me of him. and its quite sad because i cant evn ssay what we had was special. i decided yesterday that he wasnt worth all of this, and i know he isnt. but i am tired. i just want to be dessired and wanted.

i literally stopped reading a book because the male interest did the same thing that he did to me, essentially to the female protag. i cant even pick up the raunchy adult romance.

i didnt let my self feel the extent of my emotions, only in small slivers of despair, or when i am too tired to pretend that his actions didnt affect me.

he was perfect in all ways but one and i was all faults except for one; my immenient need to communicate.

and no one knows, a friend of mine knows, but they dont know everything, i dont want her to get annoyed with me. i was in her place too many times and i refuse to put her through that. and our mutual friends?

hahahahaha the other night i was speaking with S, and he said that the last time he spoke to him, he mentioned me and Viking said 'oh i havent spoken to her in a while' thats it. no explaination no excuse. i dont even know why that infuriated me. i wasnt even worth an explaination in his eyes. S barely found out via vague summary from me. because even though i was/am hurt. i refuse to tarnish his reputation. 'in a while' ????? you mean two months? but then again S couldnt remember the last time he talked to him. but like still?

forget that we were flirting constantly i thought i was friend at least. i deserve more than this. i think. maybe not then.

i want to scream and shout and hit him and cry about why he didnt want me. but i realize thats self depricating. i should never seek validation from a man, i know but it wouldnt fucking hurt fam.

i have so much to say and yet i feel like its already too much. i should keep quiet. thats what people want from me. for someone who is 'boy crazy' i have not stomached going on a dating app, or boy watching in public because it physically hurts. for gods sake i cant even read fanfiction or just READ because of it. any sight of anything merely romantic makes me want to yell. i am tired and i want to turn everything off. including my stupid rat brain that only seems to be attracted to assholes.

but the same fucking stupid brain cant help but hope that is our enemies to lovers story. one day... god i hope one day...

#halie #i...dont even know anymore #thoughts #quite literally all the thing i want to say and i have much more #halie thoughts #i feel like crying #the other mutual friend is my best friend who introduced us in the first place and she was very flip floppy about the whole thing #i dont know whether shell say i told you sso or comfort me #quite frankly i dont know which i want or prefer #both options will make me histerical #i already am #i feel very dumb

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speakuplove · 5 years

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Better an “oops ”.. than a “what if”.

**After an eventful week full of emotions and things brought to my attention, I have so much to share. I honestly do not know where to start, but I know I need to. **

We can all agree that when we go through tough times, we all think back on things we did or didn’t do and wonder what/where/how things went wrong. Whether it be relationships, friendships, work, etc. We are human. We are flawed. And sometimes our actions or words may not send the message we intended to send to someone. Kinda like when we text. We say something, but the receiving party reads it in a way you didn’t intend to sound to them. But then there are times we say or do things intending to make an impact or set boundary and the other person will do everything in their power to ignore it and just plainly not give a crap.

For the last year and a half, I allowed someone to be put on a pedestal in my life. I allowed their pain, fears, doubts to become my own. I tried to shield them from everything and anything that could hurt them. Which included taking second seat to other women from the past or present. I tried to show love and understanding. I listened to their pain and felt it. It broke my heart when they finally opened up and shared what their heart was truly feeling. Whether is was past relationships, family, friends.. any pain they felt they shared. And the person I am is a fixer. An empath. I wanted so badly to love them hard enough that they never had to shed another tear, never had another fear of history repeating, or felt another feeling of unworthiness. Because the person I saw in that moment was so broken and hurting, but also so beautiful and special, they had purpose and such an amazing soul. I put the fears of them leaving me, because of their pain, aside and did what I felt I needed to to put them back together. I put them above myself. I was fine with that, aren’t you suppose to be selfless in a relationship?

I remember a certain night, laying in bed wondering what God’s plan was here. I loved them unconditionally. I stood by their side even when I was left for someone else. Only to watch that crash and burn and have them knocking on my door again a day later. Full of regret and asking for forgiveness. Which I did. I forgave. I tried to stand my ground and let them know what hurt the most, what I wouldn’t tolerate again and how I missed them all in the same breath. Things would be fine for a few weeks, but in the back of my mind I tried to erase any doubt I had that it would last. Always worried that it would happen again if someone prettier or closer his their age came across his phone screen on that blasted facebook. I wanted so bad to be all they saw, all they wanted.

And you guessed it right, they left again. And came back. And left. Yes I know you will get only what you allow. But when does our kindness and love and commitment ever play a part in their decision making?? Does it always have to be that we are never considered? Do they feel remorse for hurting us? I would like to believe that what I have been to them was noticed. But it seemed the only things that played in their minds were all the wrong others did, which kept them from cherishing what I brought to the table. I take forever to give up on anyone. I fight til I can’t anymore. That is with anyone I know in life. But more so for people I am with. Like I shared before, I am a hopeless romantic. So I was confused on how the person who left me a note with a hand picked flower on my car while I was at work asking if I liked him and wanted to date him could be the same person that wanted to keep breaking my heart. I wondered if I could do or say somethinggggg strong enough to make an impact on their heart it would maybe crush the memories that haunt them of the ones before, and they would finally fall to their knees and look at me for who I am. For what I have endured during this time. Standing by their side through the good, bad and ugly. Because I knew in my heart the same person who cried and held me telling me they loved me so much, was so sorry for what they did to me, and would spend the rest of his life making up for the pain he put me through.. that was the real person they were. I wanted so desperately to believe the demons that clouded his judgement so frequently would eventually be gone for good and the love I would experience with them would stick. And last forever. They were WORTH it.

I always say, “say what you mean, and mean what you say”. I am a big believer in that, even tho I have failed many times and said things I didn’t mean. Not in the least. Again, us humans are flawed. I have no excuses. I do know its a flaw of mine. But what I know I would never do is give false hope to someone about something they desired more than anything in this world. Most of you do not know this, and those who know me who are reading you know details I would share on here. I am a single mom to a daughter who deserves to have a family. Her father committed suicide years ago, and since it has impacted her life by wondering who would fill his spot. As much as we weren’t apart of each others lives like most co parenting stories you have heard, she is aware that her biological father is gone and she doesnt have that option of growing up with him in her life anymore. The desire for her and I to have a father figure for her in this household is something we pray over a lot. As a parent, and having to fill that void for her as best I can, I sometimes feel as tho I have failed her. But I do know her father and I did make peace before he passed. And even tho it does not replace the pain I feel knowing he is gone, I do feel as tho I need to make him proud by finding someone who would love her the way he did.

Marriage is not to be taken lightly. I have never been married. I do not have that experience under my belt. But what I want so badly is to be with someone who will be exactly what we need and what is missing in our home. This last year was hopeful. As much as there were so many nights of doubts and pain, sleepless nights crying myself to sleep praying, I know that the good outweighed the bad until it just didn’t anymore. I was told they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me. I mean just weeks ago, we discussed building a house. Down to the details of drawing up floor plans, including games rooms, a man cave, and an open wall for me to paint a decal of our shared last name. We discussed rings, possible time period for a wedding, the whole nine. Virtual try on of rings online, and promises it would happen “whether I like it or not, just be patient with me” didn’t hold true in the end. The six months before this extensive planning were rough. But now they were out of town working, and we believed absence made our hearts stronger and more focused and for the first time in our relationship it felt sincere. Secure. REAL.

Months went by and we stayed in our bubble. They came home. Shared such special memories I will always cherish. Celebrate my 30th birthday in style and felt my life was complete with them in it. Until the send out to the next job. They left. Drove 12 hours away to Florida and promised it would be ok because we belonged together. Assured me things would not change. It was going to be the same as the last job. I would be flown out again, and they would come down for Christmas. Only things didn’t go as planned. Didn’t take but a week apart for them to start their doubts again. I wondered if the amazing time we had when they were home was painful to remember and know the truth is it would be a while before they had that again with me. They would be alone. Missing me. Unable to feel my touch or kiss me when they wanted. Wouldn’t be able to roll over and pull me closer while we slept. I tried to find the pain in them to lead to me understanding of the abrupt dismissal of me. And just like that. I was single. Feeling worthless. And wondering if everything we overcame was a lie.

Weeks have passed and I have seen/heard/told of others (emphasis on that S) that have been where I should be. In the arms of someone who told me they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me. The flood of doubts of myself came pouring in. It felt like I was dead weight. How was it so easy to sleep with someone else? Did they think of me at all? Did they cry after that female left, knowing it didn’t fulfill anything I ever was for them and it was a mistake? Or was it just tossed our of their mind and they forced themselves to sleep before the regret became so intense they couldn’t breath? Because on my side of that situation, I felt ugly. I felt worthless. I felt like a JOKE. How can this happen? The thought of giving myself to someone else, no matter the status of us.. no matter that we were broken up or mad at one another.. it didn’t matter. Because I still loved them. So the simple thought of showing that affection and love to another person who wasn’t them, MADE ME PHYSICALLY SICK. Yes I know men think with the other head. Excuse me... BOYS do that. Men who know what they have and dont want to lose the woman who has stood by their side through everything, wouldn’t try to pursue a stranger until they knew that it was over. The dust hadn’t even settled and someone else was already in my spot. What the hell?

I have gone over every possible thing I could have done differently. And the only thing I can think of is I should have walked away a long time ago. Not meaning they didn’t necessarily deserve the love they received from me, because partially they dont. Because they did. Everyone deserves to be loved right? I know I made a positive impact in his life, no matter what horrible things we have said and done to one another out of anger. My confusion comes from the present, theirs come from the past which affects their present. I can sit here and make excuses for them. But it all boils down to they cannot grasp the woman I am , it’s too much for them. Maybe you can say they aren’t man enough to handle it. And apparently they believe they only deserve meaningless flings and loveless sexual encounters. I was not wrong for loving someone who was incapable of loving me the way I deserve or themselves for that matter. I knew what I saw in them was worth staying as long as I did. And knowing I should have walked away, if I could do it over again I probably would do the same things over. Because I don’t regret them, I don’t regret loving them thru things we went thru, and I sincerely Iove and believe in the good I KNOW is in there. Even tho they refuse to tap into it and be a better person consistently. I look back and know the only changes I would for sure make if I could is how I lashed out in anger. Saying things I knew would hurt them like they were hurting me. I couldn’t and never did cheat, or try to. I tackled all the “what ifs” head on and left no stone unturned. I fought the good fight for the man I wanted to truly spend the rest of my life with. And maybe God will perform a miracle. Maybe we will cross paths again after we do some growing up. But if anything, it can all be chalked up to: I loved fiercely and showed my loyalty to the fullest. I just could have loved the wrong one. OOPS.

#love #believe #things happen #do over #no regrets

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kyifucius · 7 years

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so theres been a lot going on in this smol head of mine.

I dont make this kinds of post regularly, just therapy isn't working out how I would like and im feeling like i can have somewhat clear thoughts right now so im gonna try and jot them down in the least tiring least confusing way possible. (using the 6 components of health as my guide) CW: eating disorder talk, trauma mention (no details), transphobia mention, gender talk, love talk.

Tbh, im gonna start looking for new therapist so if this comes out well ill just use this as an about me rn (because I can be different later)

Physical:

I feel fine, Im okay, trying to fix the damage my bulimia did to my body, I’ve seen a dentist, that had much less than desirable news given to me on that front (but things will be okay seeing as my school gives free dental care to its students). Bulimia is still its own hell hole but ill get to that in emotional health. Other than that, I still dont really eat on a tight or strict schedule and I dont actively exercise outside of my one physical fitness course which isn't much. Next.

Spiritual: God, you there?

This isnt the time of my strongest faith, I dont pray everyday but pretty close but i do sometimes wonder if anyone hears me...I believe my life wont always be so tragic and difficult, theres no signs of it changing anytime soon but something is giving me hope and faith to keep pushing that things will get better and it’ll all be worth it, i guess thats god. It doesnt feel like much but its enough to keep me from considering not being alive so...thank god lol 😅. Next.

Social:

I love my friends, I hate myself, I dont really see my friends as much as I should Im really fighting to just exist at this point I dont feel like im the most fun to be around anymore but hopefully they’ll be understanding to my isolation and forgive me until I pull myself together. I dont see myself making anymore friends than the few I already have. Next.

Mental:

Depression(PTSD). Anxiety. Despair. Inferiority. Tiny glimpse of contentment. Depression. Anxiety(PTSD). Despair. Inferiority. Tiny glimpse of contentment. Depression. Anxiety. Despair(PTSD). Inferiority. Tiny glimpse of contentment. Depression. Anxiety. Despair. Inferiority(PTSD). Tiny glimpse of contentment. Depression(PTSD). Anxiety. Despair. Inferiority. Tiny glimpse of contentment. Depression. Anxiety(PTSD). Despair. Inferiority. Tiny glimpse of contentment. Depression. Anxiety. Despair(PTSD). Inferiority. Tiny glimpse of contentment. Depression. Anxiety. Despair. Inferiority(PTSD). Tiny glimpse of contentment.

Issa cycle 😒 Next.

Emotional: (here comes the heavy stuff)

*deep inhale* Gender. well maybe i should say gender identity. It all feels so strange. I dont feel like anything, I dont feel any ties to being a “male” or “female” I feel like a person. I feel that Ive been going along with looks and expectations that society placed on me because I didnt feel there was really another option. Im comfortable with the clothes i own, most of them being feminine but im not big on super tight clothes, I kinda want to escape the possibility of being sexualized as much as possible. (it could be a trauma thing). Im going by They/them pronouns by those closest to me that are nonfamily members. It feels okay, I dont wanna make a big deal out of it I dont think I should Im the same person i've always been just no longer trying to meet “womanly” expectations, no more push up bras or underwire *amen!* But I do think about being a cis woman, I think how much easier it would be to not have to define my identity myself and to just already have a rulebook to follow, as oppressing as it may be, which may connect to my next topic...

Eating disorders...so when I think of my body, I don't think of who I am or how I look now and how it could be okay as is, I only think of how I could look and the the easiest look I can perfect, which for me personally would be a something along the lines of a conventionally attractive woman, I think for me to do that I’d need to lose weight...(because of my anxiety i like to know what to do next to get the best/least problematic results) in times of stress or when i feel completely lost and directionless, even purposeless at times. I always go back to losing weight because to be like that woman I imagine I could be that would just be the next step for me to continue to fit the status quo of what society wants and then I feel like even if everything else is going badly at least im making progress in one area of my life and with that I can let out a sigh of relief.

Last but definitely not least, drum roll please... *smol snare in background* Im in love! Its really the best. I don't know if i should @ him or not...but hes really just been the best most supportive and understanding boyfriend I would never even have the audacity to ask for. I really love him and I have to say things are looking really good for us. Hes trans, my mother is transphobic so thats a real stressor at times but whenever i spend time with him I just really remember that he's so worth her nonsense because if she ever takes the time to get to know him shed see he's just the type of person she’d want me to be with. No one is perfect, not him, not me, and definitely not my mother but we all deserve healthy love and relationships and i really get that from him which is “v fulfilling” and I hope I get to spend many more years with him. Also he puts up with EVERY aspect of me which isn't easy, he listens to me whine and complain and holds me when I cry and laughs with/at me laughing at my own jokes and does my laundry when I leave clothes with him and he lets me sleep late on the weekends and understands my need for mental health days. What a lovely boy 😊. Next

Environmental:

Im actually tired of writing but this should be simple. THE EARTH HAS HAD ENOUGH! I do what i can to take care of the spaces I occupy but I believe there will be another mass extinction and hopefully i'm not around to see it. The end.

Fun Fact:

Trauma trauma, trauma in the air trauma, trauma trauma I feel it everywhere.

#about me #eating disorder #bulimia #trauma has ruined my life #nonbinary #unaligned #therapy #personal #im sorry if anyone actually reads this #i guess were friends now #so message me if you wanna #i made a CW just in case #i dont wanna ruin anyones day #i know what trash that is

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rookiewithachance · 7 years

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ok you know what this is getting its own post so tumblr doesnt delete half my tags and therefor half the shit i have to say about this like it did with the first version of this post

personal shit below the cut—nothing bad or graphic or triggering (unless you count minor gender dysphoria and parents not getting it...) just me ranting about my parents and the gender identity crisis im going through right now.... so read at your own discretion

i knOW that this isn’t like a special or new issue.... this shit happens to lots of people, where they’re going through gender identity crises or what have you, and when they talk to their parents about it the parents just don’t fuckin get it. they’re not even like angry about it they just actively don’t understand, and they do it in a semi harmful way.

but listen okay l i s t e n

if i have to listen to my mom say “but why do you need to label it, why can’t you just be you” one more time im gonna mcfuckin lose it ok

she means well i know she does and she and my dad are from a very different time where labels were considered Bad but listen ma, i love you but a) why does what i choose to call myself bother you so damn much especially when you can see that im upset about it when i brought it up, and b) this??? IS me being myself????? that is exACTLY WHAT’S HAPPENING RN im trying!! to figure out who or what myself is!!! but thank you!!!!! for adding to my doubt and feeding the voice in my head that tells me that i’m just making shit up and that i’m taking away from the people who are actually going through gender stuff and that im just overthinking myself..................... because lowkey it feels like thats what im doing. and i know i kNOW that that’s probably not true because that’s exactly what i did with mental illness and boom would you look at that, and my mental health is probably affecting this as well, but...... mER

i dont even know if i can CALL this gender dysphoria... idk like that phrase carries such weight to me and this doesnt feel like its... at that level?? i dont feel like i was born into the wrong body or that i need to transition in any way bc to me my genitals dont have to define my gender. like look ok fuckin listen i have a fuckin vulva and a vagina and mammaries’r’w/e and shit but that doesnt have to mean im a girl. i dont need a dick to be masculine, just like i dont have to have a vulva to be feminine. which side tangent why do i even care masculinity and femininity are both social constructs and are complete bullshit in my opinion so whY DOES THIS EVEN MATTER TO ME??? @my brain what the actual fuck why are you like this

anyways

its not even like.... being referred to as female is what bothers me. i don’t mind she/her pronouns, i dont really care about what pronouns people use for me, but it’s just................. when someone uses female-coded or even male-coded language in reference towards me. things that started as gendered but became more neutral like dude or babe and other shit dont bother me its just...... like listen every time one of my parents calls me baby girl it lowkey actually makes me want to cry, and i dont know why i just feel so shitty being called that

i also just sometimes.... feel more masculine or more feminine than other times and wanna present differently. like im considering looking into getting a binder because i really feel like that would help with the presentation stuff but also!!! theres that doubt again!!!!! ahahahahaha silly kelli ur not trans binders arent For You and if you buy them that’s appropriation or something, either way its bad and you should feel shitty for considering it :)

is this like................ idk, is this genderfluid???? is that what this is??????? idk idk ive just been saying gender nonconforming bc that covers the gist of it and lets me sort my shit out without the pressure of needing to “””stay true””” to whatever label or thing i use..... again, another irrational anxiety but h e y thats me for ya

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this is getting long but heres the thing: i love my parents. i really fucking do. they have their shortcomings of course because being the perfect parent is literally impossible, but all in all im pretty fortunate to have such loving parents. but theyre just. theyre a lot right now. i get it okay i do, they miss me and theyre going through separation stuff and they feel like theyre losing me or whatever but like...... i dont........ want to video chat every night, like we did my freshman year. i needed that then, and what i need now is...... space. some space to figure out how to be a singular entity doing shit for myself and having time to be alone with my thoughts yknow. my mental health is in the goddamn sewers and i havent been sleeping as well as i should be and im feeling overwhelmed with schoolwork and clubs and then of course all this gender stuff started happening :) so yeah sorry if im not very talkative when you chat with me every single night. i dont have much to talk about, and the stuff you guys talk about???? sorry but.... i dont really care. its shitty to say but i just. i dont. i love you guys but i have better shit to be doing than talking about who you saw in the coffeeshop this morning or what happened at work

and see, normally i would talk to them about this. but i just... dont think that would do anyone any good. they wont understand it, and then when i explain it theyre just gonna feel dumb, and theyre gonna forget and slip up and never remember and then just go around feeling guilty about it without ever changing their language...... and their guilt is gonna make me feel like shit too. so whats even the point of telling them about it?? of getting them to actually sit down and listen instead of bringing it up in the middle of sobbing my way through my woes and my parents asking me well meant but upsetting questions and then moving on as if nothing happened

sigh........... idk. thats about it i guess. congrats if you got this far, im sending you digital hugs. words of support are of course appreciated but not at all necessary, i aint fishin for anything im just here to lay it all out in one place. hopefully i get some of all this mess sorted out. if i had more money id just go ahead and buy a binder but im a bit strapped for cash. not broke per se but i have very limited funds and those have to carry me through the entire semester, so....... trying not to make any unnecessary purchases and my brain refuses to justify a binder as something worth the money.......... which again, is probably not true, but.... we’ll see.

much love to you all, im gonna head to bed and try to sleep cause i got class in the morning and i still havent finished the readings ;3

#personal #about me #long post #//fingerguns #im not really looking for answers or anything i just needed to put it all down in one place and idk why else do i have a blog than to #send my thoughts spiraling into the endless void of the unforgiving internet to be lost to obscurity #//flails limbs #im tired #night yall

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rawcbwzx-blog · 5 years

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what-is-left-is-lust · 5 years

Text

I am very ugly

Soul and outter appearance and all. Whenever anyone would compliment me I would initially feel happy that its worth mentioning to me. Queue 3 minutes later and I feel disgusting. Like " no stop saying that , thats just cruel. Thats a cruel cruel joke." I had always assumed they were lying. Maybe they sensed I was sad and in their lame attempt to get me to feel better about myself brings them self gratification. I remember a lot of the times where someone has commented on how I look or my weight. Always struggled with my identity and image. Hearing it from other people didnt make anything easier. ' hey you lost weight you look so much better'. One of the dress fittings for my sisters wedding - the tailor told me I was pretty but id be prettier if I was thinner. He said I would never get married with how i looked. He said there was still time for me to change. He said what a shame. He said dont let it be a loss. He said things Id never forget. My sister said not to listen to him afterwards. That he said that to other people before. That hes outdated and he attempted to make it seem sincere or that he cared. My friends , to the best of my knowledge have never outwardly called me fat. But I definitely did feel like the ugly fat friend. Just brought around to enhance their self esteem. I felt pretty at times but only when I rarely ate. Those were the times where guys looked at me or when girls wanted to be my friend. Whenever I wore makeup when going out with my friends. Old flames or people I grew up with try and talk to me. They talk to me like they were introducing themselves for the first time. " Ive known you for 6 years.." " Im sorry i didnt recognize you. You look healthier!!" I was not. I was never healthy. Not at my biggest. Nor at my lowest. My current best and only friend has said things...jabs at my weight. He probably doesnt even know. While we went out to eat at a cafe and I ordered 2 appetizers and a meal he commented to the waiter about it. ' Sorry we're just really hungry we will probably take everything back with us home.' But he didnt order yet. I ate my meals too. Finishing it felt taboo like I wasnt supposed to. He mentioned 2 weeks ago that I was a catfish. That i take pictures from angles that make me look better. I know he avoided the word ' thinner' I knownit too. Maybe thats how i started my self online. Ive lied about my weight online before. Since I was younger I always tried acting like how I thought I was supposed to be. Since I was 10-11 years old i would say things for shock value. Never letting anyone come near the true me. Id say absurd things to even hurt other people. It never made me feel better. That was never the reason. I wanted to hurt myself. I was a coward. I wanted to hurt people with my words so that in return they would hurt me. And that is what I felt like I deserved. So when they leave..it is justified. Id repeat this process my entire life. Ive exiled amazing people. All due to my insecurities. Lying about my true feelings. Hiding behind a persona. I will never be 1/4th happy this way. I really wanted my best friend to be the first person to accept me at this..weight. I realized when my first 3 yr relationship ex saw me for the first time. He didnt care what I looked like. Thats why it was so hard to let him go. I felt he truly doesnt care about my weight or how I looked. I felt pretty and he didnt even have to say it. I felt beautiful again around my best friend almost every single time. Until..he would make slight comments like that. " He left you because you advertised yourself as someone better than you actually were IRL." He has said those words to me time and time again. I dont even know why anymore but it did hurt every single time. My ex bf the one who sparked ( if i could even call it that ) a change in me which resulted in some soul searching and ended up doing it for me- called me gorgeous one night when I was drunk. I felt beautiful then too. Only to have it shattered 2 months later by my best friend ( hes not awful i owe a lot to my best friend but in this aspect it really did mess me up) saying those words to me. I had my best friend carry me once for like 5 seconds. Id never let anyone do that to me. Never. But I let him. I trusted him. He knew what it meant to me and that made me happy. Zoom past 3 -4 months later he opened up to me that ever since then he was working out every day to get bigger and stronger. He said hes never done that for a girl before but he did it for me. My best friend wanted to get stronger...in order to be able to hold me. The gesture meant a lot to me but it also put in perspective..all of the females in his life are petite and somewhat thin and a few curvy ones. But I was the first. the biggest. I hadnt realize how my depression made me get to this point. I weighed myself. And i saw. I was gaining weight again. A lot more. Although he stopped i refuse to let my weight have this hold over me. Its not even just about that. I hate my shape. My ex hates it too thats another reason why he would never consider me a friend. My best friend even said im not his type and im not his ideal girl which is petite in that regard among other things. My best friend still loves me despite this. It still hurts to know how he truly feels. I wanted to wait till i saw him again ( been planning since December) that he was the only one in my life right then that wanted to talk to me and not have it related to my looks. Until he said all of that ^ until i realized he was initially obsessed with my ' thick thighs.' I know theres more to this. I know I know. These thoughts iscolate themselves from the bigger picture. I just never want to fool myself for a second that there will be someone who sees me like "this" and truly wants to help me get better. Or love me the way I am. I wanted it to be my ex at the time so bad. Little did I know it was the complete opposite. I know my bestfriend DOES love me how I am but i cannot help to silence the demons in my head that tell me otherwise. That he wishes I was different. I feel like he liked my shock factor personality. That he liked how ambitious or random i could be. I tried showing him another side of me..a truer side in which we could just chill and do nothing and we could be content. But he explained to me he hated it. " you always say you wanna do adventurous things with me but when it comes down to it you dont want to do anything." ...thats not true. I didnt realize he wanted it all the time. He always wanted things to be spontaneous and hot and heavy and extreme. I did not think there wouldnt be any room to breathe. To just chill with the person i held dear. I didnt know i was that person to him. I didnt know I would be replaced in that aspect. I didnt know i finished my service.. my plans to tell him how i felt in May have diminished because I dont feel that way anymore. He said after that incident he had fallen out of love for me due to me telling him to move on. I had been telling him for months. Why did he decide that then? Because i didnt want to do those things? I wanted a firm line between what is ok and what wasnt. Theres so many things I would do with him had I felt more comfortable in my own skin..I want to be able to do them one day but for some reason it doesnt feel right with him. A lot of other things do..of course. I love him dearly. Maybe even more than he does to me. Theres so much he doesnt understand and doesnt want to hear. Theres so much ive been going hot and cold on for so long i still havent decided my feelings on a lot of things. I dont want to lose my best friend but i do not want to be belitted in the process i dont want to lose myself. So right now ive decided to be numb. Go with the flow but be numb. Dont let things get to me. All these thoughts i have written on this blog will remain but I shall move on. I might tell him one day and maybe even my ex if he will ever care enough. I never meant to hurt you that way. I meant to hurt me. I didnt mean to lie to you to hurt you. It was meant to not hurt me. I wanted to be something greater than i was. I didnt mean to belittle you and i hope you can forgiv eme one day. Now i can finally stop hoping you would find me truly beautiful one day. Like the first time you saw me. My best friend and past lovers. I will become better. I will not let my past haunt me. To my family I will always love you no matter where I am. I love you even if I say I dont. I am stubborn sometimes. I will change. If not for me then I shall for all of you. Thank you. Please please, i will never leave you again. So do not leave me. Remember me..okay? Just remember me.

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captain-unlikelynutbouquet-blog · 6 years

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