#trolling the fuck out of karl

[kirajw]

Throughout his career, Lagerfeld was quite open about his disdain for women larger than the typical runway model size, which is considered a 0 or a 2. In an industry that already marginalizes anyone outside of this range, Lagerfeld was among the few designers who actively defended the unspoken practice of hiring exclusively rail-thin models to walk in shows and pose for campaigns, on the grounds that “No one wants to see curvy women,” as he told the German magazine Focus in 2009.

This was not an outlier in the world of misogynistic and fatphobic Lagerfeld quotes. In the very same interview, when he was asked how he felt about the German women’s magazine Brigitte announcing that it would only publish photographs of “real women” instead of models, Lagerfeld said, “You’ve got fat mothers with their bags of chips sitting in front of the television and saying that thin models are ugly. The world of beautiful clothing is about ‘dreams and illusions.’”

Source

[landoffreaksandfrogs]

what do you think beforus's ancestors were like?

SEE THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR ME BECAUSE ANCESTOR NAMING CONVENTIONS ARE CONFUSING AND SCARY.

like obviously i dont have to give them names i can literally just be like "oh beforus vriska was arrested for tax evasion" but theres nothing COOL about that but my brain has MELTED trying to think of eight letter words that were actually thematically resonant and interesting but i am NOT on enough amphetamines to do whatever the fuck andrew was doing in that comic.

in any case ummm i do have some rapidfire concepts that i bounced around in my head.

Beforus!Karkat is a STAUNCH opponent to Feferi's leadership. He basically acted as a pretty significant political rival during the early part of her reign and it was his bitching and his support from the public that would inspire a lot of political unrest and social reform. Like tbh? To me? He was troll Karl Marx. he was a true comrade.

Beforus!Tavros was....sigh. The founder of the. "Lost. Weaboos." (god that name still sucks and i fucking hate andrew hussie) He totally separated from Beforan society and negotiated for a piece of land completely exempt from Empirical law. It became a safe haven for a lot of trolls unsatisfied with being culled and denied their independence.

Beforus!Aradia was a researcher of the occult and discovered the future existence of Lord English, and that their own universe was ultimately destined to be destroyed. She would spend almost all of her life detailing the future downfall of Beforan civilization and her writings are regarded as scripture in certain doomsday cults. She is long since after regarded as a saint.

Beforus!Vriska's lusus was "put down" due to spidermom being a danger to society, leaving her without a lusus to care for her. She was culled and raised by highbloods, and she was absolutely SPOILED. She became relatively well-adjusted though. She became a game show host and hosted the most popular program on Beforus for centuries, becoming a really strong media personality and able to influence political events due to her fan following.

Beforus!Nepeta was relatively unknown before her death, but she wrote thousands and thousands of poems in her life-time that have become memorialized in history. Poems that would definitely be reposted on Beforus tumblr over and over in different languages and contexts. She is considered to be shrouded in mystery, with very few details about her personal life being known, as if they were VOIDED out.

Beforus!Kanaya above all wanted to negotiate peace between the disparate highblood and lowblood classes, trying to make both sides settle for compromises and upholding the status quo rather than openly campaign for social change. As a result, this made her somewhat of a contentious figure. She often would prevent conflicts from escalating to bloodshed, but it only allowed for minimal change to occur, social progress proceeding in increments.

[odinsblog]

Techno grifter, Elon Musk (photos not altered or photoshopped)

Honestly, Iron-Man is my least favorite Marvel character but even so, it irritates tf outta me whenever I hear cryptobros compare Elon Musk to Tony Stark. Tony Stark is a fictional character who tries to do good and has a conscience. Elon Musk threatens workers who want to unionize, runs segregated warehouses, and moves his factories to red states after they have outlawed abortion. You do the math. Musk is already using his twitter status to sic his sycophants (the real ones who aren’t bots) on people and bully his detractors. And Tony Stark was a billionaire, genius inventor! Elon Mush hasn’t “invented” shit, but I’m sure if he actually ends up buying twitter, his fanboys will all say he invented that too. Mush was born into wealth and then used his money to purchase the businesses that invented things. Mush can’t even handle making a fucking tunnel, ffs! And his “self-driving smart cars” stay hitting things that a novice teenaged driver could avoid hitting—like houses, parked cars and even stationary fucking airplanes!

LOL, I’m pretty sure a “billionaire genius inventor” would have figured that shit out by now.

Serious reminder: There is no such thing as a fully self driving autonomous car, no matter how many times Elon lies and says otherwise.

Oh yeah! Remember when the “genius” tried to show everyone that he made an “indestructible” vehicle??

LMAO. The “tech genius” had to try it again and ended up with two busted windows.

Even Mush’s SpaceX is living off of modified NASA technology (that NASA had already seeded, developed or would have developed anyway) and government contracts (aka subsidies). He’s a techno grifter, at best. Call it what it is: people are worshiping him for his wealth. He’s a privileged, wealthy, white, cis male. And that’s literally all it takes to be seen as “the best” in the western world—especially America. Periodt. Elon is a troll. Another spoiled rich boy edge lord, who gets off on “sticking it” to those less powerful than him. But he’s not an inventor, and he is definitely not a genius. Please stop insulting actual geniuses, inventors and Tony Stark like that. If anything, Mush is much more like Karl Lykos, but without the genius inventor part.

Wealth ≠ genius.

[averysexyleon]

Uhhh CAN YOU JUST ANSWER THEM ALL anyways I won't use much to give other of your followers to ask as well so. I tried to limit myself ROFL

😈✨🤗❌💖

you should have seen me squinting to figure out which emoji is which. i'm too old for this LOL

Has there been a point in a story where you did something just to be playfully mean to your readers?

In my fallout new vegas fic everybody wanted my courier and boone to bang, and it was kind of known they would end up together, but I just delayed it because I was TERRIFIED to write smut. everybody thought that I was being a troll, which maybe was a little true, because they had so many close spicy encounters before the smut. actually, the smut of that 200 chapter story was chapter 150 and i just named it "chapter 150" instead of giving it a nice name because of all of the hollering for smut LOL.

Give you and your writing a compliment. Go on now. You know you deserve it.

uhhh. my compliment to me is, good job wet vacuuming the entire living room today including the stairs. it may have literally killed you and wasted a day but it's done. and my compliment to my writing is, holy shit, almost 9 months into the year and closing in on 150 chapters, well done!

What advice would you give to new fanfic writers that are just getting started?

WRITE, FUCKING WRITE. don't matter if nobody sees it. this is a hobby for you. and find some friendly fic writers in your verse to talk to. it's less lonely that way. but it also might be lonely, writing in general is pretty lonely. but that doesn't mean don't do it. DO IT. STOP NOT WRITING. FUCKING WRITE.

What's a trope you will never write?

I don't know about tropes, but I can't ever write any kind of "toxic romance". If someone is abusive, they're abusive and I don't like it. I have moments in my romances where the characters' trauma comes through or they fight, but I have endured enough abuse and watched enough to not want to ever write it in any glorified way. people who write and enjoy VERY toxic/abusive relationships, you do you I guess, but I'll never enjoy it. I only mention this one because even though it used to be pretty rare, it seems like I see it more and more lately. I also see people take characters with ambiguous or questionable morals in the source material (like Karl) and just turn them into toxic disgusting villainous almost comically awful people and I....don't get it. I don't like Mia and never have, but I humanize her when I write her instead of making her a cartoon villain. maybe it's a maturity thing idk but I don't like it. thank you for coming to my TED talk on toxic relationships in fan writing.

What made you start writing?

reading a lot. when I was in school I was reading 3-5 NOVELS, NOVELS, a day. Turns out I have autism, but anyway, I started writing these little observation things about the classroom and my classmates thought they were hilarious and would ask for them at lunch. I realized that I had an affinity for writing, and that I liked the attention from having others read what I wrote (even if it was oddly vulnerable.) I also realized I had something to offer, because even though other classmates sometimes tried this it never really caught on the way mine did because idk, I'm a good storyteller and have the "it" factor when I write. I can say this confidently and also say confidently I have no other It factor and am a very disappointing person in every other way, so I have to write HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

[rayne-storm]

What You're Made Of

AUgust 1 - Soulmates

Fandom: REVIIllage

Summary: Ethan/Heisenberg

"Let's see what you're really made of"

Ethan can't wait for this to be over, for Rose to be safe, and to be able to ignore the way his stomach turned deliciously thinking of that growl.

---

"Let's see what you're really made of."

Sure, he was running and sliding around for his life now, but for whatever reason, Ethan Winters couldn't get the growly, raspy voice from his head. The man was like an electric shock, and Ethan really didn't have the time to process that. He had to get out of this weird-ass pit, get his baby, and get the hell out of this place. 

He had enough weird supernatural bullshit back in the States, he wasn't about to spend another minute dealing with even weirder supernatural bullshit in this place, where every corner he turned (at least before being brought down to his spiky demise) looked like a set from a horror film.

He dodged some flying metal and nearly got his body crunched and mashed by what looked like a stationary mower covered in spikes, and decided he hated comic books now. This was some Magneto, supervillain dickery. Sure, the guy had been hot in a scruffy, secret-werewolf kind of way, and that voice - "Let's see what you're really made of" - sent tingles all the way to his toes, but that didn't make him someone Ethan would care to associate with.

A slew of close calls and a violent near-miss-fight with some kind of horrifying troll creature later, Ethan was gasping for breath at the base of wherever the hell he was. He stumbled in the dark when, out of nowhere, a hand grabbed and yanked him into the darkness. He shrieked, until a hand clamped over his mouth as well.

"Hush and Shush, Ethan Winters. Right now I'm the only thing keeping you alive and with your dick intact."

The guttural rasp was one he knew, one that seared him to the core.

"Let's see what you're really made of."

He stopped struggling. Just for the moment.

"Good boy."

Oh fuck. That… did something to him. Something he really had no time or energy to really think about. Finally, the hand over his mouth receded.

"Karl Heisenberg. Though you probably knew that from the little family spat you got to watch."

The man was somehow taller than Ethan remembered from that initial glimpse, but still just as intimidating. Maybe even moreso, now Ethan was close enough to see the eyes peeking from beneath the shades.

"Wh-what do you want from me?" Oh, very smooth Ethan.

"I want you to help me take down that bitch Miranda," the man answered, stepping back.

Before Ethan could reply, the man - Karl - ripped open his jacket and tugged at his pants and before Ethan could scream at him to stop, please, you pervert! he revealed a mark on his hip. One that was achingly familiar and caused Ethan's blood to simmer.

"No fucking way."

Karl laughed, shaking his head. "That's what I said too."

"When? What?"

"How do you think you got to our little family meeting? I got you patched up and then took you over. Had to take a look at your body to do that. Sorry not sorry."

Ethan felt simultaneously violated and thrilled. That mark on Karl's hip was an echo of what he saw in the mirror every day, a hole in his heart, a wing wrapped in barbed wire.

Karl took off his sunglasses, eyes a vivid gold color, and his expression softened. "I know it's a lot, and our situation here is probably the shittiest one I can imagine for such a fucking huge revelation but… I'm in your corner, Ethan Winters.

Ethan felt himself turning red and looked away. The thought… wasn't unpleasant in the least, despite everything.

Maybe he could make it through this and save his daughter. His soulmate - his soulmate!! - couldn't possibly be the worst person in this place. His own hands were filthy with blood, and… well… he needed help in this hellhole.

"Okay. Where do we start?"

[occultdaddy]

Some thoughts for the karlnapity fae au I wrote a while ago. I'm thinking about working on it again. (and might rewrite part 1 for ao3) Some of this will be spoilers.

Karl is a monarch in a Seelie court. (I haven't decided on the courts in this au yet.) As said monarch he has the ability to alter the flow of time in his court, Seelie lands, and maybe even other parts of the Faerie. But not without great risks. Messing with time is always dangerous.

Sapnap is Karl's knight, and an Unseelie. One of the few, if not only, in Karl's court. Seelies tend to look down upon Unseelie, but you're pretty fucked if you show any of that infront of Karl. He has a lot of scars and while Unseelie warriors&knights usually tend to take pride in them, Sapnap's are hidden away under clothes and armor. The one on his throat and the cut in his brow are the exceptions. Sapnap knows more about humans than Karl as he's very close friends with Dream and George.

Quackity is human and a university student. Appearently in his friend group he's one of the few not in know about the fae.

I'm thinking BadBoyHalo is a wild fae. Wild fae are those not associated with any court. In this he's not Sapnap's father, but he did take care of him for a while.

Dream is human, but he's sligthly fae touched. He has a mask that lets him traverse the faerie on his own more easily and safely. George is also human and pretty close friend with Quackity as well.

Wilbur is half fae who pass as human. When Quackity finally finds out, some of the weird stuff he's said and done suddenly makes a lot more sense. Wilbur and Quackity are friends. Wilbur owns and works at the little book café Quackity likes to study at. He also lives in the appartment above the book café.

Philza was human. The thing about the Faerie is the longer you stay in it, the more it changes you. The Faerie and its people also happened to really take a liking to him, even long before he married one of the most powerful Unseelie Queens. Technically his title is royal consort, but her people regards him as their beloved King almost as much as she is their loved Queen.

Technoblade, Tubbo, and Tommy are all human. Techno is scarier than most fae and even to a lot of fae folk... That is if you don't know him. Tubbo and Tommy are def trouble makers than need to be saved from the Faerie from time to time.

Techno pretends to be upset that his best friend went off to basically be an unseelie King, but is extremely happy for him. Wilbur is how Phil and Kristin met. No actual family ties, but found family for sure.

Ranboo doesn't know he's fae, but he is a secretly a court heir. He befriends Tubbo and then Tommy and eventually somehow gets folded into the entire friend group.

Fundy is fae. There's some human in there, but generally if you're more than half fae you are fully considered fae. Half fae who can't pass as human and/or stays in the Faerie for long enough are often counted as fully fae as well. Sneaky fox you both love and hate.

I haven't decided on Niki, but felt bad leaving her out P: regardless of what she is, she has her own bakery and supply baked goods for Wilbur's book café.

Antfrost and Awesamdude are also wild fae. Though unlike BBH who has always been one, they used to be court affiliated.

Skeppy is a seelie, but mostly stays either with Bad or in the human ream. He often try to troll Technoblade, and fails. He usually wears glamour to look human even in the Faerie.

Callahan is jötunn. (This is me bringing in more lore from my own story. Sorry not sorry) Jötnar are forces of nature, even more so than fae. He's one of the few that are still around and actually interacts with others, even if he doesn't speak.

Ponk??? Human??? Yes.

Punz is human and Purpled is his younger fae brother.

Connor is Sonic.

[biboyhalo]

why don’t you like karl

bc hes annoying bc every time i was excited for someone to see the dsmp he made it into a lil reality show where he just fucking trolls the shit out ouf them instead of talking abt lore, bc he talks over ppl, bc he acts like a DOUCHE i mr beast videos

[hummussexual]

Putting on the Dish - A short film in Polari

Polari was a form of slang used by gay men in Britain prior to the decriminalisation of homosexuality in 1967, used primarily as a coded way for them to discuss their experiences. It quickly fell out of use in the 70s, although several words entered mainstream English and are still used today. For more about Polari: http://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polari 

Written & Directed by Brian Fairbairn and Karl Eccleston http://www.brianandkarl.com Maureen: Steve Wickenden Roberta: Neil Chinneck Director of Photography: Benjamin Barber Camera Assist: Antonis Tsiakos Sound Recordist: Patrick Casey Sound Mixer: James Wright Colourist: Jack McGinity Edit: Brian Fairbairn and Karl Eccleston Production Assistant: Brad Hoyland Stills: Chris Parkes 

http://brianandkarl.tumblr.com/ https://www.facebook.com/brianandkarl https://twitter.com/brianandkarl

Standard English supplied by user Wombat:   MAUREEN: I’ve read that.  MAUREEN: It’s all nonsense.  MAUREEN: The ending’s a disappointment too.    MAUREEN: Can you spare a cigarette, sweetheart?  MAUREEN: You from around here then?  ROBERTA: More or less.  MAUREEN: London’s the place to be… Nice shoes. What’s your size?  ROBERTA: Ten, I think.  MAUREEN: What about your HANDS? Are they a size ten too?  MAUREEN: I bet you know how to play the PIANO really well.  ROBERTA: Is this your usual spot?  MAUREEN: How do you mean?  ROBERTA: I know what you’re up to here, mate.  MAUREEN: Where do you live?  ROBERTA: Clitterhouse Road.  MAUREEN: I have a friend there. Pauline.  ROBERTA: Pauline Marsh?  MAUREEN: That’s the one. No matter what, I always find a FRIEND.  ROBERTA: How is Pauline?  MAUREEN: He’s had some bad luck.  Dyed and totally ruined his hair.  ROBERTA: That’s not good. I hope he went straight to the hairdresser.  MAUREEN: That’s where he’d just been. The broad tried to give him a wig. Huge argument. Pauline told her to shove the wig up her arse.  ROBERTA: Did he really say that?  MAUREEN: Absolutely, and in plain English too.  ROBERTA: He’s all talk Pauline. Is he still with Phyllis then?  MAUREEN: Oh no. Haven’t you heard? He’s been a real whore. Sleeping around, picking up hustlers, trolling the back alleys. He actually had to be treated for STDs on two separate occasions last month.   ROBERTA: He didn’t.  MAUREEN: Pauline’s a complete wreck. Came home one night to find Phyllis blowing a Chinese guy he picked up in a toilet.  ROBERTA: Tell me more!  MAUREEN: It’s not looking good for Pauline. Broke, on the dole.  He went in for a sex change and they had to redo the procedure.  ROBERTA: Speaking of genitals.  MAUREEN: He would rip you a new one.  ROBERTA: I can only hope.  MAUREEN: Mind you, the handsome ones do disappoint.  ROBERTA: Mmm.  MAUREEN: I was seeing this effeminate guy from Sheffield once. Feet the size of bowling pins. I thought I was in for a real fine fucking.  ROBERTA: Nothing to see downstairs?  MAUREEN:” Oh, tiny. You won't need any lube to get that one in.” I said when I saw it. Mind you, he shot a massive load of cum. I had to use heavy-duty detergent to clean his semen stains from my bed.  ROBERTA: Oh vile…  Not in film-------------------------------------------------------------------  ROBERTA: What about this guy? Do you think he’s gay?     MAUREEN: Him? He’s totally gay.     ROBERTA: You think so?     MAUREEN: Ooh yeah. Just look at his shirt, Gay. Very Gay.  Not to mention his trousers.     ROBERTA: I’d have sex with him, I would. ------------------------------------------------------------------  ROBERTA: Has Phyllis always been that way?  MAUREEN: He’s a walking sex club. An incredible stud. We were temping at a pharmacy. He blew me once while I was giving an old man his lice medicine.  ROBERTA: That’s skill, that.  MAUREEN: Oh, He used to do it all the time. When we were at the exchange together he’d have one hand on my erection and the other on the switch. He didn’t even get off the phone.  MAUREEN: Sad to think of him in prison really.  ROBERTA: What do you mean?  MAUREEN: He had a run in with the police.  ROBERTA: Oh dear.  MAUREEN: An undercover cop flashed his cock in the toilet.  ROBERTA: I hope he kept looking straight ahead.  MAUREEN: Well he’s cock-eyed, isn’t he? He can practically see sideways.  ROBERTA: What did the judge say?  MAUREEN: He was very harsh— asked if he was sorry.  ROBERTA: What did he say?  MAUREEN: Only that it wasn’t worth the look he got.  MAUREEN: I suppose we’ll all end up in prison soon enough.  MAUREEN: I nearly got arrested last week. I was blowing a young guy in that toilet near Clackett Lane, you know the one. [The ugliest face I’ve ever seen, but what a cock.] So I’m wiping my mouth as I walk outside when who do I run into but a cop. “There’s a queer in there” I said. He caught the kid with his trousers down I suppose. He never saw what was coming. I’m sure it was a big commotion. Shame.  ROBERTA: You’re disgusting.  MAUREEN: What?  Go on. Put your things in your little carryall. Off you go.  MAUREEN: You forgot your book… They cure him in the end.  Roberta spits in Maureen’s face.

[theserandomcharacters]

Playlist Masterpost

Fuck it, Spoofy playlist masterpost be upon ye! Some of them encompass more than one OC!

Atticus and Birdie - Old Lovebirds reuniting their fondness for each other.

The Stormfront - Coming like the Storm itself - tearing your world into disarray.

Suburb Kids - An axolotl, a frog and an alligator's outings to the skate park.

Mizz Riptide and the Undertow - Setlist for the Human-Fronted Monster Rock Band

Astrid - Women want her, Men also want her, fish fear her.

Cécé - That one macaw that loves EDM and hates shoes

Demetrius - Lynx Demon living as a summon in Nova Scotia

Ectibod - The Bug Demon. The Papa Roach, if you will

Einar - The Troll-Fae Hybrid Vagabond

Elijah - The Witch studying Fae

Flamma - World's Angriest Firecracker

Flint - World's Worrisome Pebble

Freya - Most Professional-Looking Shadow

Haniel - Tyrannical Seraph Hellbent on Victory

Ira - Vampire "Mommy" Beats to Suck Blood To

Izzy - Scene Game Dev that's a lil silly

Jenara - The Heralded Ice Skater Fairy devoted to the Moon

Juni - The By-The-Books Royal Fairy that cosplays as an office worker.

Karl - The absolute Mad Lad Incubus

Laivas - The Puppeted Witch with Mal

Lysander - Tiger Demon Bodyguard with a voice of gold

Narcissa - Hell's Sleepiest Girlie Slob

Niles - Disgraced Teacher-turned-Mad Scientist

Noxxy - The Shadow Being that "rawrs", ecksdee

Oliver - The Were-Rabbit Teacher-also-Inventor

Ophira - The Witch-Unicorn what will - if you ask - step on you

Paolo - The Wine-Making Goat and a chill dude

Quyen - Displaced Witch with a Possessed Hat and an owly companion.

Ramone - Love Witch Student, also a Prince fanatic

Tamisra - The Baddest Cambrion Bitch in the world (Her words not mine)

Tarmo - Battle-worn Fairy Looking to a Future

Techko - Angsty Lab Assistant and Gecko-Enthusiast

Thermuthis - DIY Crocodile and a Dadlike

Valerio - Reluctant Main Character, Wants a Quiet Life

Waryck - Vampiric Demon, the one LITERALLY raised by Bats

Wilbur - The Grandpa Cat who runs a Curiosity shop and doesn't run short on butterscotch sweets

Yalanda - Avid Baker, Chronic Romantic and Metalhead

Ysrael - Dragon Hitman Living Too Closely to the saying "Fuck Bitches, Get Money".

[ramrodd]

Why did Florida keep switching back and forth between being part of the Confederacy or staying loyal to The United States during the Civil War?

COMMENTARY:

As usual, Karl Burkhalter leaves some stuff out.

The most successful blockade runners trolled between the pirate basis of Cuba and the Atlantic south of the Dismal Swamp in Florida. Jimmy Buffet’s Island Girl theme began with the Rhett Butlers of Havana and gun running and boot legging routes into ports with Federal forts occupied by January 6 long liners.

Jefferson Davis was headed for Florida when he was captured. The northern propaganda was that he was dressed as a woman trying to sneak away from Justice. He was running for his life and had been hunkered down to avoid Union patrols and a Union patrol flushed him out sleeping while fully dressed with his wife’s shawl thrown over his shoulders in the chill of the southern spring..

The Federal forts occupied by American patriots who had been led astray by politicians exactly like Tommy Tuberville and Moscow Mitch and the whole Republican Study Caucus, which disseminates disinformation from the cluster of Conservative think tanks committed to the continued domination of the Ivy League Socialism of the John Birch Society in the Party of Lincoln and are currently the January 6 Republicans committed to reversing the 2020 election and continuing to obstruct Stage 3 of Eisenhower’s transformation process to transform the Military Industrial Complex to what is referred to popularly as The Green New Deal.

Jefferson Davis was held for two years at Fortress Monroe which is one of the Federal forts that were built from the lessons assholes like Tommy Tuberville learned from the ability of the British to burn Washington with one hand tied behind their backs and a little pay backs for the Boston Tea Party. Tommy Tuberville understands the military with the same command of the subject that the French politicians who thought like Tommy Tuberville and and the neo-cons who stampeded America into Iraq and then fucked up Afghanistan when Trump unilaterally surrendered to the Taliban.

The fact that alleged Patriots and rational military observer like Karl Burkhalter hasn’t raised holy hell about Trump’s unilateral surrender to the Taliban except that Karl Burkhalter shares John Bolton’s Ivy League Socialism agenda to withdraw from NATO and go full hegemony as a feature of the Free Market conceits of the Fresh Water Economics of Jefferson Davis and Tommy Tuberville. Jefferson Davis was hoping to get passage from one of those ports with a Federal fort controlled by Tommy Tuberville to Mexico and start over as a slave owner in another republic. Jefferson Davis ended up in a Federal fort built as a result of the lessons learned by Fresh Water politicians like Tommy Tuberville and Dan Sickles about the interior line from the British fleet anchored at Tangiers Island. The politicians like Tommy Tuberville between the Revolution and the Napoleonic Wars had concentrated on business, and, like the French politicians who were too cheap and stupid to complete the Maginot Line to the sea, which was a materially superior technology to what actually won the war. And the French politicians who thought like Tommy Tuberville and Dan Sickles had the advantage of history to see the economic logic of completing the Maginot Line: Hitler’s staff basically dusted off von Moltke’s time tables and did it again.

Fort Monroe was the reason why succession was impossible. Ft Monroe was part of the strategic defenses against access to the American interior by foreign enemies, a Salt Water Strategy. The treachery of the domestic enemy, the Southern slave holders who understood military subjects with the same Fresh Water paradigm as Tommy Tuberville and Dan Sickles, were like the gnostic priests who said to God; ‘We have the power to create man from mud without you”. And God said. “Go right ahead. Use your own mud, though”.

Dan Sickles was the Tommy Tuberville at Gettysburg. As political generals go, he actually turned out better than average, operationally. In terms of willingness to fight, he was as combative as any West Pointer in the mix. His movement to the Peach Orchard reflected the same Fresh Water understanding of warfare as Thomas Jefferson and his deployment of the Virginia Militia during his single term. In the final analysis, neither man could see past the end of his own dick in all affairs, public and private.

An argument could be made that Sickles unexpected displacement upset Longstreet’s time table. Nobody expected Sickles to do what he did, so Longstreet ran into this presented flank that shouldn’t have been three and was going to disrupt his, Longstreet’s time table by speeding it up by several magnitudes. Technically speaking, Sickles offered Longstreet the opportunity to roll up Meade’s line in a single stroke.

The 1st Minnesota gave Meade just enough time to prevent that disaster and basically come to a draw at the end of the fighting. The 1st Minnesota is what Yaweh, Queen of Battle, is all about, what the narrative is from Jimi Hendrix’s cover of the Star Spangled Banner as Woodstock. Both sides at Gettysburg is hat Yaweh, Queen of Battle is all about. It’s what Lincoln meant by both sides prayed to the same God. Both sides followed Yaweh, Queen of Battle, into Bloody Angle. When Jefferson said that the Tree of Liberty needed to be refreshed by the blood of Patriots, that’s what it looks like. It doesn’t look like white supremacists climbing the walls of the US Capitol of January 6. That’s what Jefferson Davis was guilty of and why Trump will go to jail.

Ft Monroe was the reason why the South couldn’t win the war. Robert E. Lee was the Army engineer tasked with completing The Gibraltar of the Chesapeake. In the military theory that emerged from the effects of Newton , Hegel and Napoleon, Jomini posited a battle space composed of two opposing walls of opponents, a third wall of combat for control of the 4th side. Fort Monroe was the 4th wall of the War of Rebellion and Lincoln held the deed. And Robert E. Lee knew it when he accepted the commission of the Confederate Congress. It was like Tom Landry signing a contract with Jimmy Jones. Only Jimmy Jones is Tommy Orville and Tommy Orville believes Ft Sumter trumps Fort Monroe.

Which is why Karl Burkhalter, as a Lost Causer, hasn’t commented on the fact that Trump surrendered unilaterally surrendered to the Taliban and betrayed the women of Afghanistan in much the same way Sam Alito betrayed the women of America. Kurt Burkhalter understands military subjects with the same Fresh Water perspective as Tommy Tuberville. As a Lost Causer, he gets the undefeated nature of Florida’s role in the War of the Rebellion while leaving out the fact that Ron DeSantis is running on the legacy of Jefferson Davis, whose sole ambition from April 1961 until Lincoln was assassinated was to storm the US Capitol and hang Abraham Lincoln on the steps of the Capitol.

And that’s military and political tradition Kurt Burkhalter shares with Tommy Tuberville” they are both rooting for this side:

and that’s why we don’t hang American Presidents for Treason: it would dishonor American Patriots on both sides who answered the challenge of Yaweh, Queen of Battle:

“Follow Me”.

[lifehackmspfa]

=> Ari: Introduce Clownsona

Your name is XEFERE MAYARS and you are the BADDEST BITCH ON THE FACE OF IOSPOS. Aside from the Marauder, of fucking course. Lowbloods QUAKE BEFORE YOU and even seadwellers dare not step in your way. You and your RIGHTEOUS BRETHREN were meant to inherit this planet. Instead, you are KEPT DOWN by the BIG MAN (precedently, the BIG WOMAN). Once the time comes for your exile, you will shed your ELYTRA and step into your FATED ROLE as the PREDATOR to wipe out all seadwellers.

“And even if some good ones die, fuck it, the Lord'll sort 'em” --Troll Karl Marx

[antimony-medusa]

What I think is going on if any of the DSMP members win the Elytra.

Tubbo: Built those wings himself. Healing arc. 

Tommy: Avian, his wings finally came in, they are little chicken wings. 

Ranboo: Teleporting unlocked more end heritage, they are wings like the ender dragon. 

Eryn Cyberonix: That accident that fucked up his arm also fucked up his wings, when he has elytra he simply had a good night’s rest and they came back.

Charlie Slimecicle: Slime wings.

Fundy: Shapeshifter.

Purpled: Alien tech he finally repaired. 

Quackity: Avian, he just stopped binding down his duck wings.

Wilbur Soot: translucent avian wings that belong to a ghost, he insists he doesn’t have them and that he’s well and healthy and normal now. 

FoolishGamers: Mans is a god. Of course he has wings. They are somehow smooth like shark skin. 

Eret: They won wings back from a cult in the past, and forgot. Just re-discovered them. The wings are an eldritch summoned force that binds to your back, but like in a friendly way.

Awesamdude: Built those wings himself. The satisfaction of creation somehow does not overcome the guilt of what he has done and is doing and was prepared to do. His hands shake at night.

Captain Puffy: A divine boon from the time she saved a god. (It was a swindle but the god doesn’t know yet.)

Antfrost: They may or may not be demon wings and he may or may not be making an arrangement with a high cost to bring someone back and it may or may not be corrupting him. It’s fine. Look, cat!

Hannahxxrose: Plant-based wings, they were a gift from the forest as she healed. 

Ponk: The Doctor has been doing Inadvisable Science. 

Punz: High tech wings were his payment for a job well done. Don’t ask questions. 

Skeppy: He stole them from Bad in an epic troll. 

BadBoyHalo: He’s literally a demon, he’s always had demon wings, he just thought it was rude to use them before. Are we really sure it’s not rude? It’s okay now?

GeorgeNotFound: idk he woke up and they were there. maybe the god who’s been following him gave them. he doesn’t care. they look like dragonfly wings.

Sapnap: Fire phoenix wings. 

Karl Jacobs: he doesn’t remember where he got them but they’ve grown into his back and he can’t take them off. when pulled on something screams with his voice but it doesn’t come from his throat (but his throat bleeds anyway). they’re beautiful when they catch the light. 

TinaKitten: Adorable wings that match her ears (they have ribbons) that she shanked a man for. 

Dream: End dragon wings, but he stole them when he closed the End. They’ve been spliced on, he has to take anti-rejection meds. 

Connor: They are video game elytra that he won in a contest on the 30th of October 2021. He’s going to take them to hang out with his other friends. 

Niki: Fire phoenix wings, but specifically with a healing property. 

Jack Manifold: Went to Hell. Came back wrong. When you look at him out of the corner of your eye you see a monstrous misshapen creature of rage and spite, wings to pull it higher, and when you look at him straight on you see Jack. 

Hbomb: You know the anime girl backpack that looks like little crossed wings? That. 

Michael McChill: Paranoid Radio Host takes another step in the tradition of Cecil Baldwin and has wings of purple light.

Technoblade: Dragon wings, but specifically a dragon that’s also a wither. They sink into his back like cold fingers. 

Philza: Avian, his wings finally healed. 

[k3rm1e]

cuddling headcanons! ★~(◡﹏◕✿)

this is more of a test thing to see if i like writing this way and if this blog does well

other imagines and headcanons won't include everyone i write unless it is specifically requested and is a prompt i really like

includes: wilbur nihachu karljacobs quackity dream georgenotfound sapnap p!tommyinnnit p!badboyhalo p!skeppy p!eret p!philza p!tubbo p!ranboo

cw: cursing

wilbur:

wilbur is a very cuddle-y guy

to me he seems very soft

i always see people saying he would like spooning, but i disagree

i feel like he would do more of a half-spooning thing with his head on your chest or the other way around

mans would DEFINITELY make you run your fingers through his hair

i feel like he would lay on your chest and just *nuzzle* into the space between your shoulder and neck

anytime you tried to leave him, whether it was because he had to do something or you had to, he would whine. so. fucking. much.

It would probably always go something like:

you - i need to piss

wilbur - no <3

but the moment he decides its time to stop cuddling its fine

and if you complain that you’re gonna miss him he’ll just call you clingy and tease you

like??? sir???

all in good fun though, no bad intentions :)

nihachu:

i feel like you and niki would face each other

with your head like under her chin and in her chest (this is a bad description but look at the “honeymoon hug” on the list for better explanation ;-;)

she would always want to protect you

so she does that by like almost guarding you and keeping you close

niki would definitely do the arm thing where she just lightly moves her hand up and down you arm

i’m so sorry if you don't understand that, it just feels like something she would do

if you haven't experienced that it kinda sorta feels like spiders??? but in a good way???

but generally she is very protective

she just holds you so close the whole time

even if she doesn’t want to let you go, she’s more understanding about it

she would be upset but wouldn’t show it because she doesn’t want to make you feel guilty

niki is generally just an amazing cuddle-r (is that a word?) and has a super comforting presence

karljacobs:

karl would definitely keep your head on his chest

the whole time he would just absolutely squeeze the life out of you

he would constantly bend his neck down to kiss your head

and instead of just like leaving his head down so he could kiss you it would just be:

*inner monologue karl* hmmm i wanna kiss them on their head

and he would lean down to do so which, cute

but then five seconds later he would do it again

and again another five seconds later

and again

very cute karl but please sir, your neck is gonna be so messed up after this

when you had to leave he would be upset, but like niki, would try not to show it

except karl is very bad at that and his pouting would be so obvious

so you would feel guilty and layback down with him

immediately he just becomes (●´ω｀●)

like a happy little puppy

karl is just too adorable for you to deny

quackity:

now we all know this, quackity is a huge dork

which is why i believe he would DEFINITELY use your butt as a pillow

not even in a weird way

i just feel like quackity isn’t too comfortable with touch so this is sorta his way of being close to you without it being a whole serious thing

like he still is able to be goofy and comfortable without it being a whole big thing

him doing this would almost always come with a flatty patty joke from you

which always causes him to threaten divorce, even though you aren’t married

while it isn’t a very good position for things like physical touch, it is good for talking and having conversations

for some reason i feel like he’s the type of person to text someone when they’re right next to each other

so while he’s laying down he’ll just send you random photos of himself

very annoying when your phone is spammed, but also good blackmail material >:)

i don’t think he’d be too clingy

obviously, he enjoys spending time with you

but if you told him you need to go do work or something he wouldn’t throw a fit or pout

big q just seems like he’d be more rational about stuff like that

overall a 420/69 cuddle partner

dream:

one word: spooning

mans just envelops you and has no shame

very big: “no you are mine! >:(“ energy

while he’s sleeping he’ll unconsciously nuzzle his head into your hair/the back of your neck

when you guys got to bed patches usually climbs in and you hold her

i love patches so much i could write headcanons just about her

dream always wants to be cuddling you

if you try to leave he won’t pout, there simply isn't a discussion on whether you’re moving or not

incase you haven’t caught on yet, the answer is no

you need to do work? just bring the laptop to bed

he needs to edit? just sit in his lap at his desk, duh

obviously, he knows at some point you guys need to stop cuddling

he just isn’t too stoked about it

when it comes time where he absolutely can’t cuddle with you, i feel like he’d be more chill

mainly just annoyed

georgenotfound:

i feel like george, like quackity, also wouldn’t be too touchy

i’m pretty sure he has a hard time expressing emotions (please correct me if i’m wrong!!) and i think that would crossover to his sleeping habits

i think he would prefer a sort of back-to-back cuddling position

it seems cold, i know

but also he would most definitely kick at you

so every night while trying to go to sleep suddenly you would just feel *kick*

and then instead of sleep you’re suddenly playing footsie

lots of laughter and warm feelings involved

george would probably pretend that you kicked his leg hard or something and act like you hurt him

the first few times you were actually worried

but then after a few months your only response was a sarcastic “cry about it”

which just led to more laughter

sapnap:

sapnap and you would do a sort of leg hug thing

you both you try to go to sleep in a cute spooning-type position

but the moment one of you fell asleep it all unraveled

you would wake up apart but you’re legs would still be touching

sapnap would joking blame it on you

“wow can’t believe you don't wanna be close with me even when we’re asleep”

“it’s not my fault! i can’t control where i end up when i sleep!”

“no, no. you don’t have to lie. i see how it is.”

“>:(“

but it's okay!

your legs are the first thing to react in a flight-or-fight situation, so they usually react in an honest way

which is like your legs are both reaching to hold each other!

p!tommyinnit:

i don’t get a very touchy vibe from tommy

i feel like the most he would do is put his arm over your shoulder

not in a flirty way, just in a “hey, there isn’t a lot of space, this will make sitting down more comfortable” way

he will let you sorta fidget with his hand/arm

i don't know if that makes sense but what i mean is that he’ll pretty much let his arm go *flop* so you can control it (by like moving it around or playing with his fingers)

in the beginning he would get annoyed

but eventually he would get used to it and wouldn’t really care

it sounds a bit strange but i personally find it very comforting to just have something to fidget with while watching youtube or netflix in bed with my friends

and it’s entertaining (sometimes i do this to me sister to annoy her :>)

he would act like he didn’t mind if you left him

but holy shit he is so clingy

If you try to leave it’ll just be “no, why??? stay here dumbass”

you would be slightly annoyed when he had to leave  but knew he had to film and stream and all that so you would be okay

p!badboyhalo:

you would kinda sit within bad’s lap

like not on his lap, but more of in between his legs

he would have his arms around you

and his phone would be in front of you so you two could scroll through twt or instagram together

or you guys could watch skeppy’s youtube ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

rat would sit in your lap

she’s just;;;;;;;; so adorable

rat is just so soft and fuzzy in your lap and everytime you move to pet her she just melts

rat is the the superior cuddle buddy to any of these block people

p!skeppy:

skeppy, similar to quackity, is a total dork

he would make sure you guys were in a position where he could effectively troll you

so if your head was near his lap he would just flick you or some

“dude can you please stop hitting me in the head”

“it turns out i am not actually hitting you in your head because based on the perpendicularity of the bisector multiplied by the photosynthesis of the dividend, it is impossible for me to do so”

“wtf”

lya is so goddamn sick of you guys

she's trying to get him to actually do something but instead he’s just sitting there throwing paper airplanes at you while you sleep

he’s an annoying asshole but it's okay because he gives you money for absurd reasons

p!eret:

eret has such a comfortable presence

i feel like she wouldn’t be up for cuddling too much

more of like putting your head on a friends shoulder so you can see the tweet their showing you

but they do like to hold hands

holding hands isn’t very intimate but it's also just such a sweet comforting thing

she even holds your hand when you guys are out walking around

like if you guys were getting food somewhere (post-covid of course)

you most likely would get addressed as a couple

and he would just be like”...wut?”

it’s happened so many times at this point you just go along with it

“you guys look like such a cute couple!”

“oh we aren't-” “thank you!”

can you tell that i love eret?

p!philza:

phil always has such dad vibes

i feel like the closest he would get to cuddling is hugs and hand holding

even though cuddling isn’t inherently romantic, he is married to kristen

so i fell he would get most of his touch in with her

but with you he’s just so fatherly

hello dadza

whether you have a good or bad relationship with your father, everyone can admit that philza minecraft is dadza

this is such a dad thing, but tries to hold you hand when you cross the street

no matter the age, he just feels the need to protect you

hugs are similar

uses hugs as a way to comfort you and protect you

just so amazing all around

p!tubbo:

tubbo would love cuddling in any way, shape, or form

if you guys are hanging out at like the park or something and lying down

get ready to become this mans pillow

this is really fun to do with your friends but imagine you guys are hanging out in a field type area (with my friends we hand out in the field next to the cemetery but it can be any open grass area)

tubbo would just use your lap as a pillow the whole time

and when you guys were walking back to his house he would sorta drape his arms over your shoulders (assuming he’s taller than you)

he would do the same thing when you guys were sitting in chairs or at a desk

just drapes his arms over your shoulder with his chin on your head

if it's really late and he's tired he’ll just hug you

p!ranboo:

if you thought tubbo is bad, ranboo is even worse

not even really cuddling, he just likes having a sort of skin-to-skin contact

so handholding and laying on top of eachother

if he’s streaming he will legitimately message ou to just sit next to him

so sometimes if he’s just chilling by himself on the smp you’ll end up on his streams

he’ll have you next to him just because he likes be near someone

and so randomly it’ll just be like “chat, a real human is here, behave”

chat does not behave

(they heavily bully him)

he’s pretty clingy but when you HAVE to leave he’ll understand and just be a bit bummed out

holy shit this took me so long-

if you read this whole thing thank you!

[snowflakes-rulez]

What Your Favorite MCYT Ships Says About You (Revised)

hey, its me. god that old post of mine keeps reminding me and i was like “fuck it, remake that bitch.”

keep in mind, these are for fun and i could be incorrect and also making fun of you (in a lighthearted way).

Dreamnotfound: There are so many things going on with this ship, but you are tumblr user who was into this ship way before twitter got over their denial arc.

XDreamnotfound: You still want DNF in the Dream SMP, but this is your second option.

Dreamnap: You are a firm believer in childhood friends to lovers.

Georgenap: You are a firm believer in resolving love triangles by ignoring the axis.

Dreamnotnap: Man, fuck a ship war you’re just here for best friends achieving their goals. Smash the motherfucking love react.

Skephalo: Your ideal dynamic is bickering married couples or you like the comic of Connecticut Clark and Malfina.

Karlnap: You don’t think you are touch starved until you see them being together or become more touch starved.

Quacknap: Same thing with Georgenap, but only after if Karl forgets them both in canon.

Karlity: You just want to have a good time.

Karlnapity: You wish good things for Sapnap and really, who wouldn’t?

Puffychu: You want a girlfriend who can kick your ass.

Awesamponk: You’re not over from the Valentine’s Day stream.

Fundywastaken: You used to be into tragic lovers, but now you are into divorced exes.

Fundy Harem: You are Yipblr who was really devastated after the wedding video.

Punz x Sam Nook: You are probably into robots way before DBH.

Georgebur: You are one of the few people who wrote “Instead DNF meeting up in the UK and fall in love, why not two British pretty boys?”

Dreambur: You are the original viewer of Wilbur asking out Dream on a Pizza Hut date.

DNFbur: Man, fuck a ship war you got a sandwich of two tall basterds, two British boys, and one American.

Punznotfound; You were probably tired of DNF, and was like “hey why not another blonde sweaty gamer boy instead?”

Samnotfound: You used to be into this ship for some weird reason until you found out Sam was lying about his height.

Velvetfrost: You really wish for Velvet to be the egg.

Philza x Mumza: You are Philza.

Schlattbur: I’m pretty sure 99% of you are trolling, but the small percentage of you are this:

[apocalypticgargoyle]

Dream smut or fluff where reader and him are high key mean to eachotjer despite having so many mutual friends, but then something (very vague i know I’m sorry) makes them have to get close and the develop feelings? Sorry I’m shit at requests but thank you!!!

i know this is shitty im sorry akjsdh bls forgive me

𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐕𝐀𝐓𝐎𝐑. ♘ 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

± warnings: dream being a dick, slight slut shaming, toxic behavior, vulgar/suggestive mentions and language, sexual harassment on a bus (not by dream, you can breathe)

⋆ song recommendation: When the Night is Over by Lord Huron

You pulled a blanket beneath your chin, yawning slightly at whatever the tv was playing. You only had it on in an attempt to drown out the noises coming from your roommate's bedroom as she smoozed her date. You were honestly shocked the two hadn’t moved in together yet with all the time they spent wrapped up.

Her door opened, her eyes widening slightly at the sight of you sprawled out on the couch. He marched toward you quietly, hovering over your shoulder. You peered up at her hesitantly. “What are you watching?” She asked, voice barely above a whisper. You furrowed your brows, opening your mouth to speak but she hurriedly cut you off. “Do you mind watching it at Nick’s instead?”

You raised your eyebrows. “You’re kicking me out again?” She gave you an apologetic smile, making you roll your eyes as you stood up and pulled on your jacket. “This would hurt less if they also paid rent,” you mumbled, with a small glare.

She thanked you repeatedly, holding onto your arm as you gathered what little belongings you needed for the night. “I promise I’ll make it up to you,” she courted, opening the door for you. “Tomorrow, dinner’s on me okay?” You sent her a tired look and she apologized again. She stopped you as you stepped out into the cold night, leaning through the space between the door and the frame. “Maybe you can cozy up to that Clay guy? You guys have such a good vibe,” she mocked, making you chuckle lightly.

You shook your head, waving to her. “Enjoy your night. Please, for the love of God, clean the bathroom afterward,” you called, hearing her laugh at your statement.

The bus ride was quiet due to the time of night and the weather, both of which you didn’t mind. You knew Nick’s house would be warm and loud. Before you knew it, you found yourself in front of his apartment door, kicking at the concrete ground as you heard someone stumbling to let you inside. The door opened swiftly, Clay’s large frame blocking the light from the kitchen. He leaned against the doorframe mockingly as he looked at you.

He wet his lips. “Who’s the lucky guy tonight?” He joshed.

You rolled your eyes, brushing past his body to get out of the cold. “Whoever’s dick you’re not sucking, I guess,” you quipped back, making him laugh darkly. You kicked off your shoes as he shut the door. “Where’s Sapnap?” You asked, shrugging off your jacket. You’d texted him ahead of time to ask if you could stay over, which he readily agreed to.

Clay sent you a smug look. “You guys have a fun night planned?” He made a gesture with his hand to insinuate you were there to give Nick a handjob.

You bit back a chuckle. “Why? You wanna join?” You shot back. He bit his lip and moaned pornographically.

“Cut it out, Dream,” Nick grumbled as he walked into the room. He pulled on your arm to follow him.

Dream scoffed exasperatedly. “Me? I’m not the one who started it!” He called after the two of you.

As Nick pushed you out of the room, you turned your head. “You most certainly did!” You answered. You heard him chuckle at your words as Nick shut the door to his room. You plopped down on his bed as he sat in his chair, swiveling to look at you. “Why does Dream pick at me so much?” You mumbled, fishing in your pockets for your phone.

“He’s jealous,” Nick answered absent-mindedly. “What's the date look like tonight?” He asked, referring to the reason you were there in the first place. This wasn’t the first time or the last time your roommate had kicked you out. It was becoming a more frequent occurrence for you to end up on Nick’s couch or at their place in the middle of the day with your toothbrush and a change of clothes.

You moved to lean into his pillows. “I don’t know, it's the same granola fucker she’s been hanging around,” you answered.

He rubbed his chin with a slight smirk. “There’s a subtle justice to knowing she’s still with that asshat,” he commented, making you snort.

A week later, you were on your way back to your apartment after a lecture when someone felt you up. It was the straw on the camel’s back for you as you spin around to smack the guy, stirring up a few of the bystanders. You’d walked the rest of the way home, stepping through the door to be met with your roommate and her hookup twisted together in the kitchen.

You clamped your hand over your eyes, mumbling about how you just wanted to take a nap when you were once again sent to Nick’s. You let subtle tears fall as you trudged your way across the city, hoping to get out whatever darkness you had to your attitude. The last thing you wanted to do was confront Clay looking like you did. He was like the troll with the keys to the bridge. That was really the only reason the two of you ever talked, so you knew he’d be waiting to berate you before you could get to Nick.

As you walked into the building, you spotted Clay carrying a large box, his hair slightly disheveled and his hands dirty. You knew almost instantly that he was probably attempting to fix the kitchen sink and got a call because of the size of the package. That sink had been dripping since they’d moved in, making it Clay’s mission to futz around with it every Friday afternoon. You tried helping him one time, only ending up with a deflated sense of confidence and the second wave of your childhood anger issues.

He nodded at you as you held the elevator door open for him. “What’s up, babycakes?” He chirped, popping his gum. When you hesitated to answer, he looked at you fully, scoffing. “Damn, walk of shame gone sour?”

You crossed your arms over your chest, inhaling deeply to try and calm your nerves. “I’m not really in the mood today,” you muttered, tucking your hands between your back and the wall.

He snorted, setting the box down between his feet. “You’re always in the mood! Isn’t that like your thing,” he continued to jeer. “You look like you had a fun night though-”

“Clay, stop. I’m serious,” barked at him. His expression twisting at your use of his name.

He raised his hands in mock defense. “Sorry, I thought we had---like a bit thing, um-” he cut himself off, awkwardly shoving his fists in his pockets. After a beat of silence between the two of you, the elevator came to a sharp halt on the wrong floor, the light switching to red. The two of you shared a look, knowing that the landlord was probably flipping the wrong switches again. Clay texted Nick to see what was going on.

It began to grow colder in the elevator, as it usually did. When it was off, the cold from outside usually seeped in through the elevator shaft. There was one time you were stuck in the elevator for a few hours with one of your neighbors and Karl when he had come to visit. Back then, the three of you played Uno on the guy’s phone. It was also summer, so the chill creeping up your legs wasn’t as intolerable as it was now.

You rubbed the arms of your sweater in hopes of generating some kind of warmth. Clay watched you carefully, his hands moving to grip the bar behind him. “Do you want my sweatshirt?” He offered. You shook your head, sliding onto the ground and hugging your knees to your chest. He hesitantly slumped down beside you, kicking his long legs out towards the door. The red light filling the space made his features look softer.

He nudged your arm gently with his own. “I know I’m not Sapnap, but…” he chewed on the inside of his cheek, shrugging slightly, “I mean, we’re stuck in here. We can talk about it.”

You blinked away the tears threatening to spill once again, your eyes burning and tired. “I haven’t slept with him, you know?” You stated, turning to look at him briefly before moving to sit cross-legged, planning with your fingers. “I’ve never even kissed him. I’ve never kissed anyone,” you scoffed. Clay was silent, but out of the corner of your eye, you could see him watching you intently.

Being this close to him, you could smell the smoky vanilla undertones of his cologne. The scent reminded you of a masculine version of the candle your aunt always burned when she went out for a night to spite her ex-husband.

Clay leaned his head back against the wood paneling, his soft blond hair flattening in the back to spread against the wall. You swallowed, sighing slightly. “I haven’t even had my first kiss yet and I’m getting groped on the bus and kicked out of my damn apartment because my roommate and her fucking boyfriend have to hook up on every surface. Nothing is sacred.” You shook your head, wiping away some stray tears with the back of your hand and sniffling pathetically. “You can keep making slut jokes, I don’t care. But I swear to God, I haven’t done anything with Sapnap. Or Karl, or Quackity. No one.”

He chuckled softly. “I know. That’s why I used to make those jokes,” he mumbled. “It was like… ironic humor. And then it got so far that the only way I knew you’d talk back to me was if I was fucking around with you,” he admitted. You chuckled slightly at his words, taking a deep breath.

“Oh, Dream,” you sighed. “I would have hooked up with you if you weren’t such an ass,” you chided. His laugh made you feel better. He held his hand out to you, more for support than anything, but as you laced your fingers with his, your heart eased, feeling safe beside him.

After a beat of silence, he spoke up again. "I can ride the bus with you now... if you want..." He offered, a shyness that seemed so foreign to his character shown through his eyes. "I promise I won't grope you," he joshed, making you roll your eyes.

"That's really not something we should be joking about," you mumbled, wiping away the rest of your tears on your sleeve.

His thumb brushed against the back of your hand soothingly. "I mask my awkwardness around you in dark humor. I'm sorry."

[findingjoynweirdstuff]

Dream SMP Recap (May 5/2021) -              He’s Back

Now that Wilbur’s returned, it’s about time he got a look around the server to see what he’s missed since he’s been gone. Tommy gives him a tour.

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VOD LINKS:

Ponk

Foolish

Philza

Tommyinnit

Wilbur Soot

Skeppy

Captain Puffy

Foolish

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- Ponk continues work on the supreme fridge in the desert

- Sam logs on to call Ponk handsome. Ponk replies that Punz isn’t online.

- Foolish logs on. 

Sam: Don’t ignore my messages ponk

Ponk: Hey, Foolish qt pie

Foolish: Oohhh ponk :)

Sam: He isn’t as cute as me :)

- Sam lands in front of Ponk as he’s watering the concrete. 

Ponk: “Oh, he’s gonna take my other arm!”

- Sam calls Ponk handsome again and hands him steak. Ponk tosses Sam the picture of Coraline’s mother

- Sam tells Ponk that he’s been doing squats and starts twerking to demonstrate

- Ponk shoves Sam off the fridge. When Sam survives, Ponk figures his booty helped save him from the fall, as Sam comments that the weight sent him falling too fast for him to MLG

- Ponk compliments Sam, saying his eyes are glowing like the stars in the ocean

Sam: It’s because I looked at you

Sam: :)

- Ponk and Sam watch the sunrise together. 

- They talk about Coraline’s mother. Ponk says that she is attractive...but not as attractive as Foolish. Sam immediately jumps off the fridge and runs away

Sam: you don’t got me atm. So it does matter.

Sam: I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

- Sam logs off

- Ranboo hires a mercenary Enderman to kill KSI

- Tommy meets with Wilbur at L’manhole

- Wilbur tells Tommy that all his memories are coming back. He remembers that Friend isn’t Tommy’s sheep but his own. 

- Wilbur wants Tommy to show him around to see what he’s missed. He takes Friend along despite Tommy worrying that Friend could die (”Who cares about a sheep, man? It’s just a sheep.”)

- Wilbur’s made some plans, debated with himself what to do now, and tells Tommy that he’s sorry. It may be hard to believe, but Wilbur’s turned over a new leaf! He feels great now and wants to apologize to people.

- Wilbur is in his forties now and asks how old Tommy is -- twenties, thirties? 

- First off, Tommy shows Wilbur Schlatt’s grave. Wilbur asks to see his own grave to see what people said about him. Tommy shows him L’manhole. Wilbur didn’t get a grave, only what he left behind.

- Wilbur sees Karl’s house (which he remembers), the Big Innit Hotel (which he doesn’t) and says he does remember a bit about the prison from Ghostbur’s memories of it.

- Skeppy comes walking past and they speak with him. Wilbur apologizes to Skeppy for not appreciating his trolling. Skeppy kills Friend by accident. He skepped all over Friend. 

- Skeppy runs away and asks Bad if tridents are like swords in terms of damage. Bad asks what he killed and learns that it was a blue sheep. Skeppy puts the trident in an Ender Chest. Bad warns Skeppy that he may have inadvertently started the next war, and Skeppy ends stream

- Wilbur comes across the invisible staircase and Tommy shows him the McPuffy’s. He asks about Karl. Last Wilbur remembered, Karl was an enemy of his, but has he changed? Tommy says he hasn’t seen Karl around much.

- They reach the hotel and Jack Manifold is standing at the desk. He and Tommy get into a shouting match but Wilbur is excited to see Jack. Jack welcomes him inside and Wilbur waits in one of the suites as Tommy and Jack argue in another room, listening in.

- Tommy takes him up to the roof. There, Tommy tells him about coming up with the plan there to murder Dream in the prison. 

Wilbur: “I’ve seen it all, you’ve had your little strifes -- this isn’t the first, right, Tommy. Tommy, do you remember when you got sent into exile? Yeah, I remember. I was there, Tommy. I was there. I was there -- I was in the cage of that little ghost’s fucking head. Every single step you and me took -- look at me, Tommy, look me in the eyes -- every single step me and you took, I was there -- I was there! I had no control of what was happening, I’ve no idea what was being said, but Tommy -- I’ll tell you what -- if I was there, and it wasn’t that stupid shell of a ghost instead of me...I would’ve struck down Dream right where he stood. We would’ve disemboweled him. We would’ve disemboweled him together.”

“Tommy, I’m not -- I wasn’t blind, I saw what he was doing to you, Tommy. I saw. I saw what he was doing to Tubbo -- I saw what he was doing to me. But you know what, Tommy? I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there, was I. We had Ghostbur. Ghostbur was there instead, right. And you know what the issue is, you know what the issue is? After seeing Ghostbur interact with Dream, I realized that no, Dream is not the enemy -- Dream is not the enemy!”

“This world was not supposed to be inhabited by a people of this caliber -- Dream is the hero! Dream needs to be let out of here! Dream’s not in prison for being a horrible person, Dream’s in prison because he dared to try and stop you all. He dared to try and stop you all from gaining all this power, because the minute I was gone, there was a vacuum, there was opening, and everyone just seeked to get in there! And Dream was the only one who stood up to them and told them not to, Dream was the only one who held my seat for me. He held my -- he kept it warm! He kept my throne warm, and you guys didn’t like that, so you threw him in prison! And if Dream died instead of me, I would be in there right now.”

“So Tommy, you should thank that I wasn’t alive to attack Dream when we got exiled! You should be glad we had little, passive Ghostbur, because now Dream’s in there, and I’m out here, baby.”

- Wilbur heads back down to speak with Jack Manifold. He tells Jack that he’s sorry that he didn’t grant freedom to Manifoldland, sorry that he led Jack into war, sorry that he denied Jack access to the election, sorry that he left Jack behind. Jack is a little surprised, but he thanks him and Wilbur and Tommy leave the hotel. 

Tommy: “Wil, just look at me for a second. The reason we started L’manburg, and everything here, was because we knew -- together, me and you, the duo -- together we knew that Dream was the villain. He was the one holding this server down. He was the dictator! ‘Cause you’re telling me even then, you think...you think Dream was the hero?”

Wilbur: “Tommy, I’ve made an oath of not lying now that I’m alive again. So I’m gonna come clean to you with the truth. Uh...one thing, I didn’t actually care about L’manburg, I just cared about -- you know, sticking it to the man. Actually, I cared about L’manburg for the sole reason that I could use it to stick it to the man. You ever sticked it to the man, Tommy?”

“L’manburg was a tool. It was a great tool, it worked, you know. It divided so many people, man. Listen, Tommy, and in my oath of not lying I’m gonna tell you know -- Tommy, I’m sorry for a couple things, to each of these people on the server. I’m sorry to a lot of them -- except for Phil, I’ve nothing to apologize to Phil for. Phil’s done nothing wrong. But to the rest of them, I’m sorry for a lot of things -- but Tommy, that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna try again.”

- Tommy is confused. L’manburg was Wilbur’s unfinished symphony, how could he not care about it? Wilbur says maybe it wasn’t the right wording, he did care about L’manburg, but for the “wrong reasons.” 

- Wilbur asks to see the museum (though Tommy was going to take him to the Egg). They make it to the museum and Wilbur is excited to see the hto dog van as Tommy continues to protest.

Tommy: “It was like we were a family! You can’t just say that!”

Wilbur: “We were family, Tommy! ...We were. But you know what? You just -- you just didn’t -- I guess you didn’t have the balls to follow along with me. When I pressed the button, you were always against -- we’re leaving it behind, Tommy. It’s in the past--”

Tommy: “You blew up our fucking home!”

Wilbur: “We’re friends now. We’re friends.”

Tommy: “I don’t want to be your friend! You’re annoying and I hate you and you’re ugly and you have a gray hair and I bet you twirl it round and use the dog filter--”

Wilbur: “You’re following me an awful lot for someone who doesn’t care.”

- Wilbur notices the Ranboo My Beloved poster on the wall. He remembers Ranboo as a good man. Tommy says he is, and that he sees potential in him.

- They call Ranboo so that Wilbur can properly meet him. Wilbur says he’s sorry to him. He wanted to get to know Ranboo better, ‘pick his brain.’ Ranboo never met Wilbur in person.

- What nation is Ranboo a part of, who does he align himself with? Ranboo says all of them -- he chooses people, not nations.

Wilbur: “Okay, so -- let’s go an say, so there must be someone bad on the server right, there’s gotta be a bad guy on the server and who --”

Ranboo: “Yeah. Dream, yeah.”

- Wilbur goes quiet for a moment. He then asks what Ranboo stands for. Ranboo says people.

Wilbur: “What ‘people?’ What people? You can’t just stand for people! People are good and bad!”

- Ranboo lists the people he sides with. There are quite a few.

Wilbur: “Everyone? Everyone but Dream, everyone but the one bad guy everyone’s supposed to hate.”

- Wilbur accuses Ranboo of being a “schmoozer.” Ranboo's philosophy is, if someone hasn’t wronged him or the people he cares about, he has no quarrel with them.

- Wilbur says that’s fine in a perfect world, but there are wars that get fought. Ranboo says the server’s been quiet ever since Dream was put in prison and there have been fewer wars since Wilbur died -- to which Wilbur asks if Ranboo is against him in the same way he’s against Dream.

- Wilbur says goodbye to Ranboo, saying that they might get to know each other better in time. Wilbur leaves with Tommy to continue the tour, telling him that Ranboo’s just a follower. 

- Tommy gets angry and tells Wilbur off for being a nuisance, for making him feel like a ghost when Wilbur should be the ghost. They decide to fight, with weapons but no armor. 

- They fight in the Holy Land and Tommy defeats him. Wilbur says, though, that he’s already won no matter what. No matter what happens next, he won when he pressed the button.

- He asks to see Phil. Phil sent him a whole backlog of letters, including ones about things Tommy can’t know about. 

- They arrive at the Arctic and Wilbur remembers this place, remembers finding Friend here. Wilbur reunites with Phil and Wilbur is thrilled by the cottages.

- Wilbur thanks Phil for killing him and tells him the whole bit of what would’ve happened if he’d been there instead of Ghostbur.

- Tommy tells Wilbur that what led to him getting exiled was griefing George’s house with Ranboo. Ranboo didn’t get exiled because Tommy stood up for him -- to which Wilbur asks if Ranboo didn’t stand up for Tommy, letting Tommy get thrown under the bus.

- Phil asks about the lies in the letters. Wilbur tells him that he’s not lying anymore, and he lied in the letters because it’s like writing back from a summer camp -- he didn’t want to tell Phil that everything was going horribly. 

- Wilbur’s made plans, and when they’re ready, Phil will be the first to know. He also asks Phil if he can stay with him for a bit, as he has no house. He also needs a shower.

- Phil agrees to let Wilbur stay despite Tommy protesting, and Wilbur and Tommy leave.

- Ranboo comes over to ask Phil how it went. Phil was skeptical, but it seems like Wilbur’s changed for the better, and that Wilbur spoke highly of Ranboo. As for Ranboo, he says it seems like Wilbur isn’t as bad as people said he was. 

- Phil talks about killing Wilbur and what Wilbur said about it.

- For Wilbur’s plan, he needs lots of stone. Wilbur leaves Tommy at the Nether Portal to go get stone and speak with Phil.

- Phil gives Tommy several stacks of stone. 

- Wilbur says he’ll be “back in the saddle” soon, that he can rebuild. He still doesn’t know how he was revived, but the first thing he saw when he got back was a chest.

- At the shrine, Wilbur opens the chest and reads the “PROJECT NEVADAS” book Quackity left for him. His old rival, his kinsman. 

Wilbur: “Chat, power isn’t won through diplomacy. Power isn’t won through waiting, patiently, floating courthouses in the sky, blah blah blah...it’s won through blades. Swords. Iron...”

“And I was right all along.”

- Tommy leaves Phil and Ranboo for a bit and they continue to talk about Wilbur, whether he’s changed, whether he’s even telling the truth about the afterlife and if even Dream can change.

- When Ranboo mentions that he may have to keep some secrets, Phil asks about the experiments. Ranboo reiterates that they’re just to build resistance, like when a wound heals over stronger. He assures Phil that he’ll be careful.

- Ranboo then leaves to go stand in a corner somewhere for a bit. He doesn’t sleep much, and if Phil ever sees him walking around staring at random things, it’s nothing to worry about

- Tommy goes mining for stone with Mediashare

- Captain Puffy works on the graveyard. She reads the Wiki page for Sally the Salmon and makes some horrible discoveries. She later finds out the Samsung Refrigerator has its own page as well and spends some time learning about the canon family tree.

- She then makes the gravestones and fills out the history books for each of the dead members, including a spot for Ghostbur behind Wilbur’s headstone with his final words.

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Upcoming events remain the same.