#tumblr deleted this halfway through writing my answer

[bunmellos]

One of my friends really likes loona, tho I don’t really follow them. And the articles I just searched up after reading your posts don’t really give the full story. Do you mind summing up what happened to someone outside the community? Totally fine if you don’t btw! But I wish there was a source that doesn’t sound like they’re forced to sell a certain pov

sure, here’s a brief summary. i’ll probably get a couple things wrong because i’m doing this mostly from memory, but here we go:

- loona debuted one member each month from 2016-2018, and debuted as a group with hi high in 2018. notably, the last member to debut only trained for 1 day before being thrust into the spotlight

- after that, comebacks were slow coming, especially considering they were a popular new group with a lot of potential.

- at some point, staff reveals that they haven’t been paid since debut. this includes the girls. bbc (the management company) also claims severe financial debt, and orbits (the fans) come together and mass buy merch to pull them out of debt. it was honestly pretty amazing

- a couple of members begin to stand out from the rest of the group. this includes heejin, the first member to debut, who begins getting ad appearances and a lot of center time. the other is chuu, the tenth member to debut, who is known for her bubbly and cheerful personality. she starts doing a lot of work outside the group- guest starring in reality shows, MC-ing, etc. we learn that, despite pulling bbc out of debt, they still haven’t paid the staff or idols.

:readmore:

- chuu begins to inexplicably miss a lot of group schedules. rumors say she might be planning to move to another company.

- in 2022, the kpop industry starts touring again. loona (minus chuu, of course, as she’s busy with other events) does a world tour with a very harsh schedule. members begin breaking down one by one until eventually only 7 or 8 are able to perform.

- chuu sues bbc to get out of her contract and wins, somewhat. she can now freely do solo activities but bbc still profits from her efforts. there’s silence for a few months. then, suddenly, on november 25th, bbc announces chuu’s removal from the group. they cite her abuse of the staff as their reason and make a lot of really weird statements. one of these is that “the rest of loona do not do this for personal gain”, which is very very odd considering chuu just wanted to be paid for her efforts. lol

- immediately, people start coming to chuu’s defense. one of these is hyunjin, her own group member, who expresses her frustration over chat despite risking getting in trouble for it. sunmi, a senior idol, posts a selfie of the two together in support. in addition, all kinds of staff for the different shows chuu has worked on share their stories of how kind and considerate she is. basically, the rest of the industry comes together to call bbc on their bullshit

- at this point, people have been speculating for a long time. one theory is that bbc is a money laundering scheme that’s kept loona as nugu (new group, despite being 4-6 years old depending on the member) as possible to avoid drawing attention. because like… if nobody’s being paid and they’re committing tax fraud then where is all that money going…? it’s kind of weird because bbc is the bottom of a chain of command that eventually leads to ilgwang group, which mainly sells weapons to the government and has gotten in trouble for corruption before (take that how you will)

- the rest of the group members are expected to continue with their activities like nothing happened, and are forced to do one on one video calls with fans. most of them are visibly upset. especially hyunjin, who’s always been one to express her real feelings. also we find out that the bbc ceo is suspected of evading over $37 million usd in taxes

- bbc releases another statement telling fans to stop speculating and let the members do their jobs

- almost immediately afterward, news comes out that 9 of the members (excluding vivi and hyunjin, probably because vivi is in korea on a work visa and hyunjin is busy doing some stuff for fifa) have filed injunction against bbc to terminate their contracts. chuu has now joined by4m studio

- and that’s about it, assuming nothing else has happened since i was asleep. tldr: loona was a group with a lot of potential but their company fucked it up and kicked out a member over bullshit claims, leading the rest of the group to quit too

[peroxiddeprincess]

✭ Dumbification with Simon “Ghost” Riley. Fem!reader

CW: dirty talk, daddy kink, teasing, praise, degrading, dumbification (obvi), objectification, thigh riding, mentions of breeding, overstimulation

Note that is is NOT age play. I don’t write that weird shit.

A/N: i am SO down bad for dumbification. Simon has the perfect voice for it too…. This is nowhere close to realistic, but this is Tumblr, baby! Nothings realistic. (ALSO THIS IS THE FUCKING THING THAT TUMBLR DELETED HALFWAY THROUGH LIKE 4 TIMES.) ANYWAY! Hope u enjoy my babies🥹🫶

You sitting all pretty on his lap, gazing up at him. His balaclava is still on, and you’re too far gone to tell whats going on underneath. He’s definitely feeling powerful.. You could feel the dominance radiating off of him.

“Baby,” He coos, “You didn’t answer me.” Your pout slowly turns into a confused look, cocking a brow. “..What?” You mumble. You can tell he’s grinning now.

“What’d you do today?” He questions once more. “I.. I uh..” You search for words that just won’t pop up. You’re getting frustrated. “I did.. I did things. P-productive things..”

“Yeah? Like what? Paint a clear picture for me, love.” You barely register what he says, panting. “Y-yes..?” You answer. “Yes? That’s not what i asked. Details.” He sounds demanding, yet gentle, making your mind fuzzier than it already is.

You whimper. He sighs, taking pity. “Okay, okay.. No need to talk or move.. Let yourself melt in daddys hands..” He shifts you a bit, holding you in a tight grip.

“Yes daddy..!” You mewl, causing him to shush you. “Tsk, tsk. Shh shh. Keep quiet baby, and listen to me.” He says, you nod.

“Good girl. What a good little girl you are…” He praises, “Dont you worry, princess. Daddys gonna take good care of you.”

This elicts a soft whine from your throat, gulping quietly. “Such a pretty, dumb thing, aren’t you?” He questions. You nod again.

“Oh… Such a stupid, dumb little girl. Can barely form a sentence.” He pities. “I wonder what would happen if i were to let go of you… Would you fall, would you catch yourself? I’m almost curious..”

His hands loosen their grip, and you tumble a bit to the side. “S-simon! Don’ let go.. Don’t wanna fall..” You beg. “Please..!”

He chuckles at your needy voice. “I was just teasin’ you baby doll. M’not gonna let you go, you’re not goin’ anywhere. I’ve got ya’.” His grip tightens again and he straightens you upright. You shake your head with a pout.

“Meanie..” You mumble, barely audible, but just enough for him to hear. “I don’t think i’ve been too mean just yet. I can show you mean, my princess..” He leans in close to your ear, voice dropping a couple octaves. “Since you think i’m so mean, why dontcha’ tell me why you think so, hm? Use your big girl words.” He taunts.

“I- um.. Daddy was gonna let me go! T-that’s why!” You huff softly, tugging at his shirt. “Off…” You mumble. “Off?” He questions. “Daddy.. Off..” You tug at his shirt, making him grin.

“Ooh, i see. Baby girl doesn’t want her daddy to let her fall..” He’s ignoring your request, making you frustrated. “Daddy..! Off, please!” You beg, pulling on his shirt harder.

His eyes narrow. “You want me to take my shirt off, angel?” He cocks his head to the side. You nod enthusiastically. “How am i supposed to hold you and take my shirt off at the same time, hm? Thought you didn’t wanna fall.” He teases. You whine and kick your feet a little.

“I wont fall, daddy, please!” You beg once more. He obliges, Tugging his shirt off and throwing it to the side as you watch in awe, leaning your head against his chest to feel his muscles underneath you.

“Such a smart little one you are.. You managed to hold yourself up..” He’s sure to emphasize smart, catching you completely off guard as tears start to form in the corners of your eyes. “No..! Not smart, Daddy, Take it back!” You whine, shaking your head quickly as a tear rolls down your cheek.

“Oh, my dumb baby girl,” He says, hands moving up to your waist. “You don’t like when daddy tells you how well you put that pretty mind to use?” He interrogates.

“No!” You shake your head again, letting out a soft cry and digging your nails into his chest. “Poor thing..” He sympathizes, giving you faux puppy eyes. “You know you’ll always be daddy’s dumb, pathetic princess.”

You bite your lip. “..P-promise daddy?” You hold your pinky out. He wraps his pink around yours. “Yes, baby. I promise.” He moves his hand to grab your chin, forcing you to look up at him. “You’re so, so cute.” He praises, pushing his thumb into your mouth. You quickly start to suck on it, making him curse under his breath and press down on your tongue.

“Yeah baby, that’s right. Focus on keeps daddy’s fingers nice n’ warm.” He groans, staring at your lips. You start to slowly grind on his thigh, moaning quietly around his fingers as your arousal pools in your panties.

He takes quick notice to what you’re doing, bouncing his thigh gently making you moan a bit louder. “Oh, good girl. Good fucking girl.” He rubs your back with his other hand, swirling your tongue around his thumb and speeding your movements up.

Him rubbing your back quickly turns into his hand back on your hip, making you grind into him faster.

“Trying to get off in my lap, yeah? What a stupid whore i have on my hands.” You cry out at the pressure, mumbling begs and pleads around his finger and gripping his shoulders.

“Your brain is leaking from your pussy, all over daddy’s lap…” He says, “That’s okay, my princess. Feel good for me.” You start to drool all over him, dripping down onto his chest and all over his hand.

“Can’t think of anything but bouncing on daddy’s thigh and keepin’ his fingers warm. Trust me baby doll, i know, i know..” He says against your forehead, hot breath coming through the balaclava.

Your thighs clench around him and you cum in your panties, whining and grabbing at his wrist to shove more fingers in your mouth. He happily obliges, replacing his thumb with his pointer and middle fingers. He continues to make you grind on him, bouncing his thigh a bit more and shoving his fingers to the back of your throat.

“Good girl, baby. Making a mess all over me..” He says, voice thick and sultry with arousal. The gagging and pressure quickly makes you cum yet again, not even 30 seconds apart from your last orgasm.

“Cumming again for me so quickly, god baby. You’re just the perfect little toy for me, arent you?” You nod, twitching and digging your nails into his shoulders.

He slows his thigh, loosening his grip once again. “Such a drooly baby, you are. Oh, what a mess..” He coos. A fresh batch of tears begin streaming down your hot cheeks.

“I know you want more, sweetheart. Whatcha’ want? Cant give you what you want unless you tell me..” He says, making you tremble.

Dragging your head away from his fingers, you moan, “Breed..” He chuckles, pressing you against the back of the couch.

“You want daddy to breed you?” He says, and you nod quickly. “Well then, baby,” He starts,

“You’re in for a rough fuckin’ night.”

[13tinysocks]

hey dude! What's up :)) been just a little since l've said something

Initially, this is me saying thank you and goodbye

This isn't supposed to be a weird pity story, so l'm so unbelievably sorry if it comes off that way, lol.

When I began reading your work, I was enamoured with fiction because of personal issues (as many usually are, honestly, I know I'm one of god knows how many people trying to run away from life for just a second with fanfics or media in general). I don't know if I will ever be able to communicate this properly, hell, this will even be unbelievable funny or dramatic but I need to get this across because it's coming from a genuine place. Your stories and work thus far has brought me comfort, immense heaps of it, and even still when I deal with things that feel out of reach or too much to actually face head on I find myself wandering back to syg or just your blog in general

I mean this, from my entire heart, thank you and thank Bee. A million times thank you, for making that one silly silly stupid piece of fanfiction, because oh my god it got me through some major stressful hardships within my life for the past 3 years.

I am leaving tumblr, however I’m aware I have submitted asks with my actual accounts before, so you'll likely be able to see they're still gonna be up. I'm just deleting tumblr the app instead of my account, but for other social platforms they will be deleted properly (such as quotev) so I won’t be indulging in much reading anymore when it comes to fanfics and such lol

I don't know if I'll come back, if I do I likely will not be back for long or to be as active as l've been because of the toll social media’s taken. So even as ridiculous as this feels, to tell someone I’m simply a fan of and barely truly know, that their fanfic of murderers and their love story with my self insert kept me pushing through a lot of tough days, I genuinely just had to.

I needed to thank both you and your partner for the work you've both put out. I still have that smiley pin I’d made, and I will cherish what you made quotev have been for me ( I literally found out about the website during early or late 2020 I can barely remember, then later found your fic, I was DEEP DIVING into that shit LMAO )

I hope whatever happens for you and bee in the future is only good, and I only will wish nothing but the best of luck with everything man.

feel free to post this (idk what it’s called but when you publicly reply lol) or not, as long as you read this it’ll mean lots to me !! >:))

your coolest weirdest ticci toby fan whose also named toby, 🐚 annon

I always struggle to convey gratefulness for messages like this and readership- especially repeated readership. My life would be different if it were not for comments and messages egging us on to keep writing from syg to ho1c. While it's easy to say that writing is solely out of passion for the craft there is also the drive to share something with others. Hearing those others loud or quiet as a favorite- does push us forward when we have no motivation or desire to work. That drive has made us closer as a couple, better thinkers, and a halfway decent writing team. I thank you and all the others who send us stuff even if it's shit post asks I never answer because I like having them in my inbox like a personal horde of platonic Valentine's. I like keeping the pieces you give me to myself sometimes. I know it may seem like I'm ignoring you but I find genuine comfort in these messages. That there are so many. That they are so varied. That we have reached beyond our shut-in existence to touch the lives of others.

I find myself wondering where an anon has gone when I do not hear from them in awhile. I wish them well. I wish them better standards than us.

Maybe we'll meet again someday space cowboy. If you're ever back in town feel free to shoot me (a message).

Thank you for reaching out. Thank you for reading. I wish you peace and love and good books.

[catty-words]

it’s that time again! time for the -

2022 fic writing roundup

Total 2022 Word Count: 36,969 published words, but 132,549 words logged for the year Total 2022 Hits: 17,797 Other 2022 AO3 Stats: Kudos: 1,910; Comment threads: 111; Bookmarks: 259; Subscriptions: 20.

Total 2021 Word Count: 129,809 published words, but 183,981 words written for the year   Total 2021 Hits: 49,663 Other 2021 AO3 Stats: Kudos: 4,883; Comment threads: 437; Bookmarks:   742; Subscriptions: 18.

links and titles to 2022 works

[never have i ever] hold my spine, twist til it breaks (2,949 words, only about 700 of which were written this year) - wisdom teeth removal fic that i started in 2021 and randomly got the inspiration to finish when i read it again early in the year.

[never have i ever] if there’s a right time, darling, it’s never been now (1,939 words) - d/b senior year nonsense, a tumblr prompt that got unrulier than the average tumblr prompt

[never have i ever] meet me where you are (on top of the world) (632 words) - cross-posted tumblr prompt that features kamala/mr.k and devi & kamala

[never have i ever] wit without a conscious equipped (500 words) - cross-posted tumblr prompt, d/b + debate!

[crazy ex girlfriend] sing your little song, sing for all your friends (724 words) - cross-posted tumblr prompt, featuring heather and nathaniel and rebecca all being cute together!

[never have i ever] and if you got something that you need to say (612 words) - cross-posted tumblr prompt that’s perfectly wistful graduation day d/b, if i do say so myself

[crazy ex girlfriend] the soul no longer tries (402 words) - cross-posted heather and nathaniel snark

[crazy ex girlfriend] fervid as a flame (575 words) - cross-posted, r/n being domestic around rebecca’s song writing is something that can be so personal

[sex education] til the little cricket on the hearth stops chirping (544 words) - cross-posted, maeve has feelings about little women

[never have i ever] are you sure you want to delete this photo? (421 words) - cross-posted and honestly makes me want to write more daxton because it turned out so stinkin’ cute

[never have i ever] ice breaker (1,977 words) - a tumblr prompt that was actually not cross-posted, just exclusively published on ao3 because it got out of hand. d/b college tour feat. nalini’s affection for ben gross

[cw’s nancy drew] hollering hollow folk know how to play (4,354 words) - here’s how masturbation could have solved everything!

[cw’s nancy drew] try to follow your calling, but your reception is appalling (3,502 words) - texting fic!!

[cw’s nancy drew] like flowers growing through the concrete (1,937 words) - pre-canon, ace’s smoke break

[cw’s nancy drew] balance (1,088 words) - cross-posted tumblr prompt featuring the drew crew and a quiet ace/nancy moment

[never have i ever] (i can take it) if you need to take this out on someone (7,247 words) - ben sees devi through the stages of her breakup grief

[never have i ever] eager, young (and abandoning) (5,995 words) - it’s not a complete year without smut written for rose’s birthday! aka, ben and devi boink

[never have i ever] no voice to sing, nothing to bloom (1,571 words) - angsty 3.03 re-imagining

Favorite Fic: it’s the nancy drew texting fic, hands down. that one was joyful fun from start to finish and i’m kinda sad writing it didn’t last longer.

Hardest Fic: the as-yet-unpublished ‘a lie away from getting you into the mood’ (aka the second installment of the bitty spark ‘verse). i posted recently about how action is by far the hardest thing for me to write and be happy with, which is why i’m only halfway through this fic despite spending a solid third of my efforts this year chipping away at it.

i’ve started chapter four, like, five different times now it’s driving me up a wall.

Do You Plan to Take Prompts in 2023? i love prompt games as fun, low-stakes exercises so. yes. absolutely.

What was the best thing about 2022? the answer to this question is also ‘a lie away from getting you into the mood’. the fic is my friend, i take it with me everywhere (that is, i have the google docs app open on my phone literally all the time).

What was the worst thing about 2022? co-running a small business is demanding and often exhausting and i did not get to invest the time and energy into writing that i would have liked to.

Any last thoughts for 2022? one of my goals for the year was to write every day, and i accomplished that! didn’t miss a single day out of the year!

and, while it’s exciting for me to be able to say i did that, i will not attempt to do it again. there were definitely days i forced myself to write just to say that i did and it was clear my brain needed some guilt-free time away from any/all of my wips. so, going into 2023, i’ll be relieved to take those days when i need them.

Goals for 2023

finish either the ‘bitty spark’ fic OR devi the vampire slayer

continue keeping track of my daily writing

break 150,000 words (my goal for this past year was to make it to 200,000 and i simply did not have the time or energy so. we’re making the goal to write a little more than this year, but with reasonable expectations about my capacity)

[television-overload]

Get to know your fic writer (no pressure):

1, 4, 13, 16, 22, 25 (add link if you want), 40, 54, 56

Ooh yay! Thanks for the ask! I think I copied these all over correctly. I was bored so I went in-depth 😂 Here we go:

1. Do you prefer writing one-shots or multi-chaptered fics?

I've been sitting here for like 5 minutes trying to figure out which I prefer 😂. I find myself coming up with multi-chapter ideas more often I think, really grand plots that I definitely don't have time to devote attention to. I also run into the problem of not knowing how to fill in between the parts that I do I have ideas for, so true multi-chapter fics are a rarity. I've had a few times where a one-shot turned into a multi chap, and THOSE tend to work better and are way more cohesive. One of my favorites is one I wrote for Star Wars (wrong blog, oops 😅) but both chapters were a lot stronger than my usual stuff, and it performed way better on AO3 which was really gratifying.

I've always wanted to write a true masterpiece where readers are anxiously awaiting the next chapter, like so many I've read, but I don't know if I've ever gotten there yet. Maybe a few when I used to write NCIS stuff on fanfiction.net.

4. Where do you find inspiration for new ideas?

Songs, a lot of times. They hit me in the feels. Sometimes a line in a fic I'm reading will spark an idea, something I haven't thought about, a new interpretation of an existing scene from the source material. Gifsets, Tumblr meta analysis, movies I'm watching. So many places. I feel like half of them come to me when I'm at work, which is very inconvenient. The aforementioned Star Wars two-shot was half written on the bus ride home from work in the notes app on my phone. I've written several in the aftermath of particularly good or bad episodes/movies. Fix-it fanfic is always great, I feel like I need to write more of it.

13. What’s a common writing tip that you almost always follow?

I haven't done this for very long, but lately in my adulthood (as opposed to my teenage fics *shudders*) I've actually been pretty good about writing out an outline and going back to edit later. I used to just spew everything in a word doc and barely go through it before posting, but now I reread it to death, mostly to make sure it flows well. My outlines are, shall we say, extensive. The Star Wars fic I'm working on now had 20 chapters outlined and it totaled over 20,000 words. I've basically storyboarded the whole thing and then I go through and convert that to actual scenes. Important dialogue moments I want to hit are included, cause I know I'll forget them if I don't write them as they come to me. It helps me to be able to see the big picture, so that I don't give up on the project halfway through. But for spur of the moment fics or most one-shots, I still mostly write as I go. Occasionally if I have a thought that I want to make sure to include in a later scene, I'll just tack it on at the bottom of the doc and delete it once I get to that point and I put it in writing.

16. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them.

They're scattered all over the place so that's a good question that God probably only knows the answer to. Some are barely even ideas but take up a line or two in my notes app on my phone. Some probably live only in my brain, forgotten until something triggers me to remember that I was thinking of writing it 😅.

I'd love to do something with @irish-trish 's prompt to fill in the scene from NCIS "She mentioned you at the funeral, I could see what she felt." It sounds right up my alley, but there's a Star Wars fic week coming up in September that I want to actually do on time this year, so I can't allow myself to shift focus to NCIS quite yet 😭

Other than that, I want to write a second chapter to my X-Files fic "Field of Dreams" where Mulder gets to play catch with his son. I really loved writing that fic.

22. Are there certain types of writing you won’t do? (style, pov, genre, tropes, etc)

Nothing spicy. I don't think I'd ever write in first person unless it was in the form of a letter. Other than that, I think I'd do pretty much whatever. It's just a matter of what I have the skills for I think 😂

Not a fan of AUs, except canon divergence, obviously. To me, the way the characters meet is so integral to who they are that it can't be changed much or it just doesn't feel like them. I've read maybe one fic that changed how characters met (Mulder and Scully) but that was the result of time travel and all sorts of things that warmed me up to the idea, plus the characters as we know them were still there. Alternate universe in the truest sense. I got distracted, what were we talking about?

25. What fic do you wish you got more of a response on?

The two fics I think of as my comfort fics, ones I found really peaceful and natural to write, would have been nice to see get more attention. I've been writing on and off for like a decade now (😳) and I've only ever really had one fic truly pop off in terms of kudos and comments. Which are literally my life blood 😂. But a lot of my older stuff I look back on and I'm like, yeah, that wasn't that great.

My Star Wars (Obi-Wan and Satine) one shot "this could be such a dream" I found really emotional and relaxing to write. I was kind of surprised it didn't go very far, but it was part of a weekly challenge thing so I suppose it makes sense in a way.

To get back to the TV shows I write for, though (since that's the focus or THIS blog), I really really loved my X-Files fic "Field of Dreams", in large part because I love that movie which inspired it, and I love a domestic, peaceful and content-if-not-happy happily ever after for Mulder and Scully. The movie itself makes me cry and feel so many feels, and I thought the connection to Fox Mulder was a really good one.

40. If someone were to make fanart of your work, what fic or scene would you hope to see?

I would welcome anythinggggg, that is my dream!! I haven't really written anything I'm super proud of yet in the NCIS fandom that I feel would warrant art, but maybe someday! I'm working on a Star Wars "Sound of Music" type looooong fic rn and boy, the amount of work I've put in, I would die if someone were engaged enough to be inspired by it.

54. What’s your favorite part about the fanfiction writing process?

Honestly, I get so excited to post it. I hope people will enjoy what I've written. I've read so much great fanfic, that I just want to contribute my 2 cents to the fandoms. Getting comments (as rare as it often is) literally makes my day and makes it all worthwhile to me. Any form of engagement, interaction here on Tumblr, that's what I strive for. But I also write for me. Exploring ideas I've never seen done before, filling in gaps in the fandom, I love it. Those comfort fics I was talking about, I love to just go back and read. It doesn't really matter, in the end, if they touched other people like they do me. I like them and that's what matters. The fics I'm not so proud of? I've been transferring them over from Tumblr and fanfiction.net anyway because some of them have received really lovely comments and people might enjoy them despite how I feel.

56. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

I hope I'm improving on descriptive language. I want to bring out emotions in my writing, and I think there's been definite improvement since I started. I'm also thankful that I have a grasp on grammar and spelling and all the typical writing conventions. That can be a turn off to a lot of readers if it's a complete mess, so luckily I was always a pretty harsh editor throughout my schooling 😅

Get to know your fic writer

[bunny-hoodlum]

Hi there, I found you off of AO3 because of your fanfic ‘Runner’s High’ and wanted to know if you ever intend on finishing it.

Hii! Oh no, tumblr didn't notify me of your ask. I'm sorry that I'm just seeing it now. :(

So, unfortunately I cannot give a definitive answer. I've developed a weird relationship with that fic, sadly. It's not as bad as it was when I stopped updating it, but it's not my main focus right now. I want to get back to it when it feels fun again and not like something I have to do no matter how badly I feel about those waiting on it or have been waiting on it.

On top of that, my plans for it are all over the place in my head. For example, I keep saying that I want to retcon chapters 11 and upwards, but I still haven't gotten around to deleting them. I did on FFN but not on Ao3. Even if I do that, I'm not sure if it'll help me finish it. I also have said I'd rewrite it completely under a new fic and leave that one alone unfinished. I'm really not sure. Thinking about it gets overwhelming, I'm still shocked it got as popular as it did. I was just doing it for the giggles and because I couldn't wait any further from writing that type of age difference story. But I pissed off some people with an idea I wanted to include, I spoiled the idea to an undecided reader when they didn't want to be spoiled they were just asking a question, and that whole moment in time still makes me cringe like I ruined everyone's experience or something. Sorry for to dump all of that here, you didn't ask for any of this either. 😅 I hope I did manage to answer your question though. Ideally, I would very much love to see this story through whether its that version or the rewrite, I'm still fond of the concept so I think that's still a good sign that I haven't lost interest in it, but writing doesn't flow as easily for me as it used to either and I lose track of time so easily too. Idk how we're halfway through the year already, I swear it still March sometimes even though it's 101 outside and has been for the last month. Omigosh, I'm rambling so much, I'm so so sorry. I think if you're rly rly invested, it may be best to sub to my Ao3 account and put Runner's High out of your mind for now. Hopefully I can surprise your inbox with its revival someday. 🥺

[gaslybottoms]

18, 23 & 54 for the get to know your fic writer ask pleaseee 💕

18. Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

Now, this one is not a solid answer. Some fics I hear something, and go "oh that's a great name for a fic about [x]" - See for instance my genderswap Pierresteban Other People Problem. I was literally mid conversation with someone and the whole concept fell out of it before I opened the document. I also have two unwritten parts to my fantasy fic that are already titled in my head, despite not a thought has gone into them other than a general concept.

Sometimes names come to me halfway through, like my Nortrell Neck Training. I had the concept and had started writing it, and then DM my bestie and was like "wouldn't it be funny if...."

And then a lot of my fics I title at the end, mostly because I've written them, and am about to post. My Dando Under Your Skin is one of these. It was very much a case of I knew where the whole fic was going, and I just didn't know what to call it.

23. Best writing advice for other writers?

Just write.

I am the worlds guiltiest for sitting in front of an open document - blank or not - and staring at it, or distracting myself with tumblr or youtube or whatever. What has worked for me to get going again after taking a break has been writing with other people. I find nothing helps me get words out more than a little bit of competition. It's not a race, but I want to win!

This doesn't have to be for everyone, but I try and write a little bit every day. I did NaNoWriMo last year with all intents of writing a long fic, and came out of it with like 5 short oneshots as well as a now long abandoned WIP, and it was hard. But this year I started off with smaller goals each month until about April or May, and now I don't even keep track outside of what I post. I would say on average I get like 500-1000 words a day, whether that takes me half an hour, or three hours.

Also, it doesn't haveto be perfect the first time out, it just has to be done. The amount of times I will just spew several hundred words onto a page, and realise I'm either writing in the wrong tense (my biggest flaw) or wrong POV because I was trying to show something I had in my head that my character doesn't know about. Instead of deleting at the time, I leave myself a comment in the gdoc with either 'tense' or 'pov' or another one word thing to come back to when I edit. Future me hates it, but it stops the interruption of my thought process.

It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be done.

54. I answered this one here 😊

get to know your writer

[lululawrence]

you are right that the schedule is not crazy for someone who has a home in NYC or LA - or even if not - it's a way to tour a record without the grueling tour schedule. my beef with this is that it's USA USA USA. Probably because HS3 wasn't out at the time he toured there. But yeah it's just frustrating to get the feeling you're not his core audience, I can't imagine how fans in Asia must feel.

oh that i won't argue. it is not at all a great feeling, nor is it a great look for them. i was simply trying to express why i disagreed with the numerous posts i was seeing about how overworked harry was going to be etc purely regarding how busy his schedule was keeping him. all things considered, yes, he will be kept busy, but it's still an incredibly well thought out schedule regarding his travel and performances etc. they did well for him in that way, even if i hate how his team has handled pretty much everything else.

[cafffine]

Hey guys, I’ve decided to stop publishing Saltcoats for a number of reasons. I'm aware that many of you are going to initially be let down or confused, but hopefully once you’ve read through this post you’ll understand why this had to stop. I’ll try to hit all my points, but of course if you have any questions pls feel free to dm me or reply to this post.

DISCLAIMER: Ending this fic was a decision I came to by myself! No one asked me to do this, though many did help, and if you have something to add please do not bring other tumblr or ao3 users into the conversation unless they’ve explicitly said they’re ok with that. It’s a draining and heavy topic (not to me, but for those affected) and I don’t want to cause anymore unneeded distress.

Also, I’m the only author, all the problems with this story were created by me, and were biases I should have recognized and acted on much sooner. I’m very thankful to all the people that have reached out to me about the negative impacts on this fic, but it really does come down to: I wrote and published a story that was fundamentally ignorant of its setting and racist. So now I have to do my part to apologize and educate myself/take accountability.

First off, this was a flawed concept to begin with because I was trying to do a low fantasy setting with aliens in period clothes and a work of historical fiction at the same time, and those are not things you can go halfway on.

Historical fiction that centers around people of color has a long history of simply going race-blind and faking diversity by giving poc the roles of white people in Eurocentric stories and erasing their identities. (This article about Bridgerton explains the problem better than I could.) And it was something I tried to avoid by still having the Fetts written as immigrants from Aotearoa (NZ), but completely missed the execution on because I didn’t commit to full historical accuracy in all characters and aspects of the story. Meaning, I might as well have gone race-blind because you can’t pick and choose what to include, it’s just as racist.

This creates situations like the Fetts being immigrants facing real life oppression while the Organas, also people of color, are unaffected by the social climate and living as members of the British upper class. That’s not accurate to any version of history and ends up wiping clean any point I was trying to make about race and oppression. That also extends beyond the Fetts, I was not addressing how the american characters come from a country that still allows for the ownership of slaves, the British oppression of Scottish people and their culture, or even an in-depth look at real Queer communities of that era. (and more)

Given the real life historical climate in the 1850s, a multi-racial story like this one is not successful, and is racist in its ignorance of the struggles of poc, immigrants, and the intersectionality that had with class and crime.

In addition, the Fetts being written as criminals, even if it is framed as a morally correct choice*, is still playing into negative racial stereotypes that shouldn’t have been ignored.

* I should add, I don’t mean to make it sound like i’m creating excuses for myself when I give explanations for some of these choices such as “but it was framed as morally correct”, that doesn’t lessen the damage being done, it’s still racist, I guess I'm just trying to show why so many of these things went overlooked for as long as they did, and how easy it is for white/privileged people to find mental loopholes around racism when you’re not being sufficiently critical of yourself.

On another note, the Fetts being indigenous immigrants to Britain in the 1800s is not something I should have tried to tackle in fanfiction - a medium that often lacks nuance and can easily end up romanticizing or glossing over most heavy topics. This goes for period typical homophobia, addiction, and class struggles as well.

That being said! I’m not implying that any of those things should be completely ignored in fanfiction. Addiction, for example, is something very close to me that I do still want to explore in fanfic for the purposes of education and normalization, I’m not telling anyone what not to write, just checking myself. Because in a story like this where literally everything is so heavily dramatized and also applied to characters of color by me, a white person? It’s only going to end up being out of place, lacking in historical accuracy, and wholly disrespectful.

Another major problem I wanted to address is the relationship between a rich white person and a poverty stricken poc. That's a bad stereotype to begin with, but then I tried and failed to frame Obi-Wan as ignorant and biased to a point where his social status plays into the theme of class critique. But, if he’s still being written as Cody’s love interest, all his negative characteristics are ultimately going to be ignored and excused by the narrative (by me).

I’m not trying to end this conversation, I’ll always be willing to talk about this to anyone who’d want to say/hear more, but I don’t want run the point into the ground with over-explanation.

So, in conclusion, this fic had to stop and be broken down into the problem that it was. All white authors who write for the clones need to be hyper-vigilant about the fact that we are creating narratives for poc, and that our inherent racism is always in threat of being baked into in the stories we publish and spread to an audience. I was in the wrong when I wrote this story, and it should never have gone on for this long. I apologize for both my actions, and to anyone I may have hurt along the way.

This is getting posted on ao3 in the fic, and then, for now anyway, the fic is going to be deleted after a week. I’ll leave this post up and answer everyone unless it's someone trying to change my mind. Also, if I ignore an ask please send it again, tumblr might just have deleted it. I don’t want to try and bury this or run from my mistakes, I just don’t think that leaving the fic up where it can still find an audience will do anyone any good. Thank you for reading

If you're interested here's some resources I've been using to educate myself further:

What caused the New Zealand Wars? - An excerpt of the book by Vincent O'Malley of the same title. It gives a good summary of the violent colonization and oppression of Māori people and their culture by the British empire.

NZ Wars: Stories of Waitara (video) - Very educational documentary about the NZ wars and British colonialism. There are some historical recreations that get violent so pls watch with caution.

Historical American Fiction without the Racism - Tumblr post by @/writingwithcolor that talks specifically about Black people in the 1920's, but makes a good point about race and historical fiction in general. I'd recommend any post from this blog, especially their navigation page just a lot of great resources

Who Gave You the Right to Tell That Story? - An article about writing outside of your race that includes a diverse series of testimonials

History of Scottish Independence - Details the colonization of Scotland by the British empire, sort of long, can cntrl + f to "The Acts of Union" for a more direct explanation.

The best books on Racism and How to Write History - A list of well written and diverse works of historical fiction and why they are good examples of representation

I have a lot more that I can share if you're interested (x x x x) but this post is getting a bit too long.

[isaacthedruid]

Please allow me to tell you about one of my favourite cartoons through this informal essay I did for school a couple of months back. 

Gravity Falls and How it Did The Unimaginable

**SPOILERS... KINDA**

The 2010s saw the creation of some of the most iconic animated tv shows ever made, the likes of Adventure Time (2010), Steven Universe (2013), Over the Garden Wall (2014) and The Legend of Korra (2012). To explain why this era’s shows are so admirable is honestly rather difficult. Yet, there are many factors that can be taken into consideration when looking for an answer.

The past decade was very successful in perfecting their craft and utilizing the animated format to their favour, creating some of the wackiest and fascinating cartoons ever made. With the advancements made in both 2D and 3D animation for film, this bled into the world of TV as well.

To mention that 2010s cartoons have stunning visuals would be an understatement. Everything about the animation was beautiful; the strong colour palettes, the clean and imaginative character designs, the colourful and immersive backgrounds and especially the mesmerizing worlds that can be found within episodes that are half an hour.

This era’s cartoons also led to a massive shift in storytelling, writing longer-running stories that spread out across seasons while also swapping out episodic adventures for serialization. This heavily aided in the popularization of these shows, due to the rise of internet fandoms and dropping the taboo that cartoons were only for kids. Many shows acknowledged their older viewers by leaving clues and even puzzles to be solved by the theorists who have a large appearance on social media platforms like Reddit, Twitter and Tumblr. As the shows progressed, their fandoms created many theories for what they believed might happen within their favourite series. The top three shows from this era all utilized these changes, being at the forefront of the shift and helping guide the creative vision of 2010s cartoons.

Often regarded as many people’s favourite cartoon, Gravity Falls presented one of the best mysteries of the decade with two seasons and only 40 episodes. Inspired by Twin Peaks and The X-Files, it’s considered as the kids’ version of these two iconic shows as this cartoon acts as many people’s first introduction to horror through bright colours and fun characters.

This series follows the adventures of Dipper and Mabel Pines, twins, who are sent to spend their summer with their great-uncle or Grunkle Stan in Gravity Falls, Oregon. This town is full of oddities like supernatural creatures, insane and eccentric inhabitants, and many puzzles. The Pines twins must adjust to the weirdness while uncovering the mysteries and protecting their new town.

While living in Gravity Falls, the twins are forced to work in the Mystery Shack, a tourist trap created by their Grunkle Stan that overcharges unlucky tourists, teaching about fake monsters despite there being real creatures all over town. On his first day in Oregon, Dipper accidentally came across a mysterious journal written by an unknown author that explains all the oddities to be found in this strange town. This book acts like an encyclopedic of the Weird for Dipper, an inquisitive 12-year-old kid who seeks answers.

Dipper is an extremely intelligent kid, his brain being far more developed than his body. He’s rather awkward and self-conscious as he often stumbles over his words or gets embarrassed trying to talk to girls. Despite this, the boy is an adventurer at heart who just wants to grow up and skip his upcoming teenage years.

While Mabel is quite the opposite in many ways, she is loud and has an in-your-face personality. Mabel is bouncy and fun, she is so excited to start high school. She is easily excitable and for the larger part of the series, she is in her boy-crazy phase. Mabel is a girly-girl as she likes all things; glitter, unicorns, rainbows, partying and crafting. Yet, she doesn’t often compare well with many of the other girls in town, they see her as weird and “too much”.

(In all fairness through, it is not too kind to either of the characters as their personalities are more complex than just awkward nerd and artsy girl-girly.)

Dipper and Mabel’s personalities are very different but somehow, they—along with their Gravity Falls family—manage to solve mysteries and save the town, multiple times.

Gravity Falls is an honestly genius series that completely changed the way cartoons were made. Originally when writing a series, you’d create a base of your story; characters, the universe and a basic plot. Yet, when creator, Alex Hirsch (who was in his early/mid-20)s and his small team first began constructing their show, they planned out everything they could possibly think of for the first season. Additionally, outlining some answers for their biggest mysteries that would be answered at the end of the series.

Despite being rated TV-Y7, this series really pushed the boundaries of kids’ television. From the teeth being ripped out of a deer’s mouth by a demon, rearranging the functions of every hole on a man’s face to an aggressive pop-rock sock puppet show that ended in a dramatic slow-motion scene of the puppets burning. Gravity Falls wasn’t afraid to get a little weird or creepy. Or create some genuine nightmare fuel. 

From the beginning, Gravity Falls had built a mystery into its series, hiding secrets and clues all throughout the show. Most notably were the backwards-recorded message and cryptograms, using roughly nine different kinds, even creating two of their own.

The inclusion of cyphers and mysteries for fans to solve is possibly the reason why this series was so successful. As one of the first shows to do something like this, Gravity Falls used social media and internet fandoms to its advantage.

As mentioned earlier, cartoon fans have quite a presence on social media platforms like Twitter and Tumblr. They create theories and share fun ideas about their favourite shows. Viewers of Adventure Time, Gravity Falls and Steven Universe were all included in their share of theory fun.

Sometimes, fan theories end up being correct but when you’re Gravity Falls creator, Alex Hirsch, you don’t just watch from the sidelines as your viewers figure out the biggest mystery of your show. No, you create a hoax to get your viewers off your trail and that is what he did. Around 2013, only halfway through the first season of the show, viewers had started to follow the clues, theorizing who was the author is Dipper’s mysterious journal.

Unfortunately for the Gravity Falls production crew, the viewers were right— for the sake of readers who have never seen the show, I will not mention who the author was as it would be the biggest spoiler.

In 2013, a supposed leaked image of a tv showing a younger version of the show’s crazy old man character, Old Man McGucket, writing in the infamous journal was uploaded anonymously (by Alex Hirsch) to 4Chan.

Despite the image only being on up for a few hours, it spread like wildfire. Much to the team’s success, theorists stopped searching for the answer to “who is the author” and just accepted the image of McGucket as the truth.

To further push the fake-out, three words were posted to Alex’s Twitter, “fuming right now.”

The tweet was deleted a few minutes later and fans genuinely believed that someone from the Gravity Falls team had leaked the most important part of the story.

While doing research, I came across a Reddit post from April 10th, 2013, the day after ‘leak,’ Alex’s tweet was uploaded. In this post, user, TheoDW uploaded an image of Alex’s tweet with the caption, “It seems that Hirsch got mad at last night’s leak. He already deleted this tweet.”

Seeing the reactions of these Redditors in 2013 is kind of weird and crazy to look at. “He has every right to be upset. Someone internally released a plot revealing screen shot of series breaking spoiler information,” a deleted Reddit account commented.

“This is Alex Hirsch’s biggest success by far, he spent a huge amount of time carefully planning out the series, and then in a moment someone releases a major spoiler. It would make anyone upset,” the user, Time_Loop commented.

“Seriously, this is a nightmare for a storyteller, and shows a breach of trust. I feel so bad for him–honestly, I hope whoever did the leak gets caught and appropriate action is taken. You don’t f–k with someone’s story like this. It’s unprofessional.” the user, lonelybeloved angrily commented.

In 2014, this ‘leak’ was finally disproven when viewers were given an episode on McGucket’s backstory and an amazing tweet from Alex Hirsch. 

Alex had post an image of himself playfully pointing at a monitor with the supposed leaked picture with the caption, “1) Make hoax  2) Upload to 4Chan  3) Post angry tweet about "leak" 4) Delete tweet 5) Let internet do rest”

It is so interesting to look at these comments know that all of this was orchestrated by Alex.

I wish I had been old enough at the time to follow theories and fandom stuff like I do now with current cartoons but really looking at this from an outside perspective, this was insane!

The real author wasn’t revealed until 2015 and when viewers first got the answer to this biggest show on their screens, they must have freaked out!

Following the finale in 2016, a single frame of a stone version of Bill Cipher, the show’s villain, flashed in after the credits had finished.

Alex Hirsch and his team actually created a real-life statue of their villain for their viewers to find and on July 20th, 2016, the Cipher Hunt began.

By following clues, the Hunters found themselves all over the world; Russia, Japan and then travelling throughout the United States for the final 12 clues. When the hunt took them to Los Angeles, actor, Jason Ritter (voice of Dipper Pines, also a massive fan of the series) and Alex Hirsch’s twin sister, Ariel Hirsch (the inspiration for Mabel) joined in the fun helping the search.

Finally, the hunt ended on August 2nd when someone tweeted out an image of the found statue in Oregon, the same state in which the fictional town of Gravity Falls exists. The Cipher Hunt had ended but finding the statue wasn’t Alex’s goal for the scavenger hunt, it was about the journey and bringing together the viewers, more than having them actually find the statue.

Creating its own hoax, an international scavenger hunt and quite a bit of nightmare fuel, Gravity Falls was a show truly unlike any other.

The 2010s saw some of the strongest cartoons ever made, Adventure Time, Gravity Falls and Steven Universe acting as the leaders for multiple different changes in the medium; storytelling, worldbuilding, interaction with viewers, utilizing social media, representation and further pushing music into the cartoon world. From what was created this past decade and what has already been released in 2020, I’m so excited to see what comes next.

I have another one of these which is on Steven Universe’s representation and music if you would like to see that too!! 

[atlabeth]

sadie's 500 follower celebration!

link to nav while this is pinned

so!! just saying this is insane. when i started this blog i never thought that i would get a hundred followers, let alone five hundred. but here we are, halfway to 1k, and i cant be thankful enough. i have my own little corner on tumblr with the sweetest people ever that make me smile every day, and i am so SO lucky to have such a positive space to come to!!! so to anyone who talks to me, follows me, likes, reblogs, or even just reads my fics, THANK YOU. i would not be here without you and i love you<3

this event will go from today (9/26) to october 10th! this will give me enough time to work through all of these within my schedule as well as give everyone time to send things in :-)

the rules are the same as always - you can send in as many emotes as you want and i'll do my best to deliver :-) and every post will be tagged with #atlabeth 500 so you can filter it if you want until the event is over

anything specifying a fandom or a character is only for atla, lok, or obx as they are what i feel most comfortable writing!

for everyone!!

🌹 give me a fun fact about yourself, a fandom, and your sexuality, and i'll ship you with a character! i've done this every time so now its just a thing i gotta do lol

💅 send in a question and i'll answer it! (please be sfw though!)

🍂 give a character and a word and i'll write a small blurb for them!

☀️ send 3 characters for kiss, marry, kill (bc we are sfw here)

🧸 i'll post a deleted line from one of my fics! (or a normal line from a wip if i run out of deleted lines lol)

some extras for mutuals!!

🍉 i'll make a moodboard based off of your vibes! (i had so much fun doing this last time so im doing it again since i have so many new moots)

🔥 give me a color and i'll write your name/username in (bad) calligraphy

💥 i'll assign you a character and a trope!

tagging some moots to celebrate!!

@arquitecturadelanada @missmorosis @atsumuahh @amourslover @pogueslandia @rcbinlogy @alltooreid @spencersmagic @sokkascroptop @raewritez @babypandawrites @simplysolo @sokkadora

[writingmochi]

hello, lissie here!

as of today and the whole month of may, i would like to announce that i will be taking a break from posting works….

my 6 months of being on tumblr constantly have finally taken a toll on me, to be honest. even though i have put in my checkpoint (read: guidelines) that i don’t follow any type of schedule, sometimes i wonder if my loyal readers will get bored if i don’t post any updates but then when i want to, i felt unsatisfied because i know i can do more and feel more to write, you know…

and the number of multiple discourses (some are unnecessary or even possible to resolve in private instead of in public) showing up on my dash is unhealthy that it is almost twitter or tiktok kind of level aka known to be very petty, very one-sided, and encourage mob mentality more than critical thinking…

i’ve got the idea to take a break after watching a colin and samir video about emma chamberlain and her burn out and break from her main social media where they suggest posting content “seasonally” which is essentially about using the time to perfect the work first before posting (like a tv show season hehe). because of that, i’m willing to try cause releasing content while juggling through uni and having the fear that your content is never enough to compete is hard, bruv :(

even though i’m not on here posting, i will occasionally log on to edit my drafts (or other updates such as answer asks/reviews). if you can’t seem to bother to wait for me in updating my work, feel free to unfollow or send an ask to remove yourself from the taglist (your ask will be unanswered and deleted right after)…

under "keep reading", i will dissect which work will be going through some changes as i will take my break from posting to writing my wips (which you can see it is stacked). you can skip if the info in paragraphs above this is enough

thank you for reading and enjoying my works, see you next month! :D *logging off*

i will be talking about them in terms of priorities so time wave, smirch, and crossroads will have priority treatment as i’ve started their series while crossroads is 70% done at around 25k wc (especially time wave which is now more than halfway posted)

time wave: main priority, will be focusing on finishing the chapters and editing them until i find it perfect. in between finished writing each chapter, i will be posting some studies on @interactivemochi, especially regarding pride month for june cause let’s just say my characters have some queerness in them (hello time wave!yeonjun demiromantic arc). after the break, it will be posted probably biweekly in june and the final one in july

smirch: second priority. even though i said in the masterlist that the stories are standalone, that is half-true cause i want to make the stories of each episode as interconnected as possible [this is like me pitching the idea of a teen drama show to hybe with their idols :) ] so in terms of plotting each episode down to a t, i finished plotting until jake’s episode, but in terms of writing, i’ve just started putting down the words for jay’s introduction right after the aftermath of heeseung’s episode ending. as i’ve written here, i also will be writing additional contents on @interactivemochi (i’m plugging my side blog too much, but hey i made that so yall can interact with my characters, don’t @ me). so in between main and additional contents, smirch will be updated biweekly as well and if you want main stories only, then it would be monthly

crossroads: third priority, i let jongseong down cause it was for his april birthday but i just don’t feel satisfied with the ending yet and i don’t wanna pressured myself again to write until finish even though i’m not satisfied (imo, this is a perfect fic for summer). projected word count to be around 30k or more. believe me, this will be released in june 1st

pizzeria run: fourth priority as i will be releasing this as a birthday special for sunoo so right around his birthday in june.

untitled “happily never after” collab entry (aka project cinder gyu): fifth priority as this has a certain release window around october

terra incognita: seasonal. will be divided into three acts (three-act structures here we go). i also got the idea to make hype around it by releasing posters, character introductions, and world-building materials. some spoiler about it is that it will be set in 2050 after both north and south korea have united and it is now called united korea (thank the “cyberpunk” series for that idea even though theirs become united in 2005)

menari dengan bayangan: non-priority (even though i’ve posted the main masterlist). "what’s with the back to back enhypen releases?" before this there is a txt wip that i haven’t put in my wip so that’s your txt content. i’m plotting sunoo’s part and i’m very excited to do stories revolving around a one 24-hour-window cause many things happen in 24 hours, going to start releasing after time wave ended or when terra incognita is also starting to release content

chromaquest: seasonal. i didn’t lie when i name this “the most ambitious project you have ever thought of” (yes i wrote that in 3rd person) cause i really didn’t think through what i’ve gotten myself into. as you probably know (or not, and that is okay!), chromaquest is inspired by toby fox’s games (undertale and deltarune) which means adventure, quirky characters, and combat. then i put d&d into the mix and it just changes everything. this is the craziest idea i’ve ever thought but i still will go forward with it. i’m going to treat this series like a d&d campaign with me playing four mcs and their npcs in solo sessions and then will be put into other media (which i just realized is like critical role with their "vox machina" campaign asdfghjkl help me). but for me to do that correctly, i have to prepare my world and the characters in them and consult with my sensei dungeon master of the campaign i’m in (who is also a toby fox’s games enthusiast) to do this right

loveless: non-priority. getting inspirations from txt’s magic island to john hughes’s sixteen candles and from wong kar wai’s fallen angels to sofia coppola’s lost in translation. this anthology will be a ride like the shoegaze album is to me

untitled “the virgin suicide”-inspired taehyun au: seasonal. one shot. might include some mystery (very short ik but if i continue this, it will be spoiler territory and i haven’t prepared sneak peeks of it yet cause i’m still plotting teehee)

the sun, the moon, and the eclipse: seasonal. tbh, i still hate that this au is called medieval cause my fic will be set in the early 19th century where royal houses are still there but it is passed the medieval era cause they have papers and the nearest au is regency au but this is not set in the uk asdfghjkl. writing-wise, it has been enjoyable plotting the one-shot down :D and i can give you a sneak peek that niki’s gonna be in this and he is going to be a bard ;)

untitled jonathan larson-esque txt 90s au series: seasonal. this is also going to be my comeback to writing theatre-like script(?) (i used to write some back in middle school) cause one of the members is going to be a playwright like john larson and another member is going to be a filmmaker like mark in rent

untitled heeseung au: seasonal. i have my desire to make young parents au but of course, i have to get this right, and with that comes research. cause i’m not planning to have a baby in college like they do /s

yeah, that's it. hope you stay tuned <3

[starryeyedrogue]

mental health & vent

again, a long one. please stick with me here.

tw: depression, anxiety, ptsd, epilepsy diagnosis, suicidal thoughts mention

hey everyone, like I said in my last post, I won’t be as active on here. this doesn’t mean I’m quitting by any means, I’m here for the long haul! I just need a break for a little bit. 

side note: I am not in any way suicidal or practicing self harm. this is just to vent and act as a PSA for my mutuals/followers.

now onto my main message. 

I’ve seen lots of posts about mental health lately, and I’m so incredibly proud of those who have spoken up. They’ve inspired me to make my own post, actually. normally I’d keep it to myself, but this time has been rough and I want to get it off my chest. I’ll probably delete this later, but still. 

I’ve been depressed. 

long story short, I had a very traumatic experience a couple years ago with an ex boyfriend (not going into it on this post, for details just dm me. not something I’d want to post publicly, this is just an explanation) and I was deeply depressed. I was never diagnosed “officially” because I was afraid to speak up, as this would expose what I was going through. I had really bad anxiety at that time too, and I still do. I also have PTSD flashbacks from it now and again. none of this was diagnosed, and I still don’t want to bring it up to my doctors/family. my irl friends don’t even know, at least not most of it. 

I have monoclonic epilepsy, which means my seizures are fairly small. my arms, legs, feet, hands, and fingers twitch, and I lose control for a few seconds. it doesn’t hurt, and sometimes I don’t even notice or remember it happening, but my family does. epilepsy in general runs in my family, and it can be triggered by a great deal of stress, lack of sleep, and of course flashing lights. in my case, I never “had” epilepsy or seizures until the “experience” I mentioned before, as it caused massive amounts of stress for about 2 years straight. it’s gotten better, as I now have medicine and am out of that situation, and I haven’t had a seizure since September, which is amazing and a huge blessing.

writing has helped with my depression and anxiety a lot, as I can write out what effects me the most. honestly, some of the characters are based off of myself (before vs after) and the person from the “experience.” this is just for therapeutic reasons, as I don’t really want to go to real therapy (I’d be too embarrassed to ask for it or talk to someone anyway, though I probably need to go eventually and plan to when I’m on my own). 

however, when I stopped posting it, I started feeling bad again. I didn’t think I needed to post my stories to feel better or to make a childhood dream into reality, but not posting it made me feel somehow worse. I’ve stopped writing as much, and I’ve lost motivation to do just about anything. I’m working on a couple things to help myself get out of this “funk,” but any tips would be greatly appreciated! 

this may seems stupid, but I’ve been depressed and very anxious about my schooling. I started in cyber security and got about halfway through, but I became depressed and had other issues so I didn’t finish the degree. now I’m starting in psychology, after praying for months and months for help with figuring out what to do for school. I finally got an answer, and that answer was to be a Christian counselor! I want to help as many people as I can, especially since I know how it feels to be anxious, depressed, and have PTSD. 

I’m dealing with a lot of changes right now, as I’m selling my first car, might have to move out of my first house/childhood home, and just a bunch of other stuff. this sounds trivial, but I hate change. it seriously stresses me out. my neurologist told me that if I have any more seizures, I won’t be able to drive for 6 months to a year to be safe (as I could have an “episode” as I call it while driving and hurt myself/others in a potential car accident). trust me, trying not to be stressed while being stressed, anxious, and depressed is not easy. 

on top of all that, my irl friends have all but abandoned me. I never hear from them (all but one, she’s the best!), and when I do they ignore me or pretend to listen when they obviously aren’t. I try to make plans with them, but they ignore me or just say “definitely!” but never try to set up times to hang out. It’s been almost two years since I’ve seen them all together. I was able to hang out with the friend I mentioned earlier to go to another friend’s recital, but that was it, and that was months ago. I totally get being busy, but I miss them and I don’t think they miss me, which really hurts. one friend ditched us on graduation day and we haven’t talked to her outside of “happy birthday,” or “@___ look at this thing I know you like,” which she never responded to. graduation was 4 years ago. I miss them all, even if they aren’t really my friends. I miss familiarity and their chaotic personalities. I’ve known them my entire life. honestly, I haven’t made any other friends irl, even though I’ve tried (I’m very introverted and a lot of people don’t get my humor/personality. I’m very much a mischievous old lady that uses weird wording (li.e. using uncommon words for my generation mixed with modern stuff, basically I sound like a vampire that’s been around since the 50s and mixes the eras together in some unholy mixture) at heart and I have very niche interests that I cling to like they’re my last hope). basically, making friends and meeting new people is hard for me for various reasons.

tumblr is different though, which I’m seriously grateful for! the people I’ve talked to are all so nice and really fun to talk to, and they’re part of why I’m posting this. @elvish-sky gave me the courage to post this and @hey-its-nonny and @padawansofthejediorder have been amazing and super nice to me, and I couldn’t be more grateful. the reason I’m posting this is to let them know what’s going on if I don’t respond to messages for a while, and to let them know what wonderful people they are and how much it means to me that they care about me, even if we’re just tumblr mutuals. I love you guys, thanks for being here! it means more than you know.

my mom and dad both had health scares recently, which made me spiral even more. I honestly don’t know what I would do if one of them died. they’re literally my world and my best friends, as ridiculous as that sounds. my mental health was so low I honestly thought I’d die too. they’re both fine now, which is truly a blessing and a massive relief. when I say I thought I’d die too, I don’t mean I wanted to commit suicide, but I honestly can’t imagine a world without my parents, especially my mom (hers was the main health scare, it was a case of reaction to a new medication for her migraines). we’re insanely close and she’s my best friend, as cheesy as that sounds. I don’t know what I would do without her. it’s making me teary just thinking about it. 

long story short, please be patient with me. I’m dealing with a lot right now, and I need some time to take a deep breath and focus on my mental health. if you have any suggestions/tips for dealing with depression, anxiety, and PTSD flashbacks, please let me know! 

for those I’ve tagged, you don’t have to reply or even read this whole thing if you want, I tagged you because I thought you’d like to know about this and/or I wanted to show my appreciation for your kindness!

I love you all, thanks for sticking around and listening to my rants. <3

[something-fanfiction-ie]

Out of the Lion’s Den

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Warnings: Mentions of rape (not against the reader), attempted rape and assault (against the reader) angst, cursing, insults, the usual super dramatic shit you see in the taken down of an unsub

A/N: Wowie wow wow wow, so this is kinda long. And I know I said I was gonna post it like two days ago, HOWEVER! In my defense, I started writing it and then about halfway through I accidentally closed tumblr so it deleted everything I had. So I went to bed defeated. But it’s here now, that’s the important thing, right? Remember to like, comment, reblog, send me asks, and just be your usual amazing selves and give me the attention that my parents never gave me as the oldest of eight. As always, THANK YOU FOR SUPPORTING ME AND I APPRECIATE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!

___

[ Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four ]

December 1998

It felt good to be back home in Georgia. The wind whipped at the trees outside of the diner you and you best friend were currently catching up at. The waitress, Flora, knows you by name and sets your usual in front of you with a ruffle of your hair and a couple of southern endearments.

“Tell me everything.” Madalyn says, reaching across the table for the ketchup that was placed on your side of the booth. You swat at her hand when she makes a grab for one of your fries. Her laugh is loud and feels like home, making you smile into your drink in a way you haven’t smiled all semester.

“I’d like to preface this conversation by saying that I feel like this would be a much cooler experience if I were the same age as everyone else.” You point out, brushing your growing bangs away from your eyes with an annoyed swat. Her eyes soften with sympathy, swirling a fry into the ketchup tucked into a safe space on her plate. She doesn’t say anything though, knowing that you have more to say.

“The classes are awesome. The campus is beautiful. I learn something new all the time, which was never happening when I was going to school here,” you pause long enough to glance around the room. It’s packed with all kinds of people, from old men clustered at the counter sipping on coffees to construction workers munching on hamburgers during their break, even big families squished into booths and tables for a nice Sunday family lunch.

“But?” You shrug in response, knowing that Madalyn will be able to read you like an open book if you meet her eyes. Across the table, the amateur profiler squints her dark eyes at you with suspicion.

“Everyone just kinda avoids me. The guys are cute, but they’re all nineteen and twenty. Most of the things to do on campus, you have to be eighteen for, so I mostly just spend my time at the library or at Aunt May’s doing homework.” At this, Madalyn stops eating, raising her eyebrows with a cheeky grin.

“I bet your grades are super rad,” You resist the urge to throw a French fry in her face after what she says next. “And besides, I’m the only friend you need in your life.”

“Actually, I have made a kind of friend?” Flora is over before you can finish the drink in your cup, filling the glass with a dark, blue pitcher. When you thank her, she reaches out to pat your cheek, mumbling something about missing you while you were gone.

“Should I be jealous? Is she pretty? She may be a big sister type, but I’m your soulmate.” You laugh into your sandwich having to cover your mouth when you take a bite and the laughter doesn’t go away.

Madalyn has been your best friend for four years, although time seems to have no meaning in your relationship because nobody would doubt it if you told them you’d known her since birth. While most kids in your age group had grown up thinking you were odd, Madalyn had decided that you were just interesting. That interest had turned into a friendship that would span years and miles more than many friendships do.

While the things you both enjoyed, like Leonardo DiCaprio and Ben Affleck, certainly brought you together, it was your differences that made you click like the pieces of a puzzle. Only true friends can debate on opposite sides of an argument and then end the night eating popcorn while watching Space Jam in the living room.

“His name is Harvey.” When Madalyn’s eyebrows go up this time, it is from surprise. You’ve never been one to socialize with anyone of the opposite gender, much less become ‘kinda friends’ with them. Plus, as a young lady of very womanly curves, she’s quite aware of the way some guys cross the line on a regular basis.

“(Y/N)-” You wave your hand in the air, once again pushing at the bangs that keep falling in your face. You should have never cut them in the first place, and you never would have if you realized what a hassle they would be when you started growing them out.

“I don’t like him like that. He’s just a really nice guy, helps me with homework and walks me to a class or two. We’ve never even met up outside of school.” Her eyes are still narrowed, a stray dark wave falling from the hair comb that pins the top half of her hair away from her face.

Eventually, she changes the subject. Trusting that you are smart enough to know when things have gotten out of hand and how to take care of it.

“So why are you growing your bangs out? I thought you liked them. Didn’t you say they make you look more grown up?” You unstick your thighs from the leather booth seat, pinning her with a look that she knows all too well.

“Now that’s a crazy story.” She also makes herself comfortable in her seat, preparing herself for a story. It’s probably a good thing you’re a phenomenal story teller, or else she would have gotten tired of all the stories you tell really quickly.

“So last month a girl comes forward and reports that she was cornered by a man she didn’t know on her way from the library back to her dorm. He held her at gun point and rapes her. It got kinda big, because she was rallying a group of men and women to escort girls around campus. And, I mean, I understand the unease she must feel, and I was sympathetic, but I was kind of confused why there was so much uproar over one rape.”

Having finished your own fries, you reach across the table and steal one from your outraged best friend. Before she can grab it back, you’ve shoved it into your mouth.

“Until a second girl comes forward and says that she reported the same thing happening to her a month ago. The campus, meanwhile, is doing nothing about it. No increased security, no curfew, not even acknowledged them.”

“For two girls?”

“For five,” The pause you take is natural, scooting the bottom of your cup across the tabletop so you could sip from the straw without picking the cup up, but it reads as dramatic effect. “And that’s not even the craziest part.”

One dark eyebrow raised into her hairline, waiting for you to continue the story and also answer the question.

“Every victim was a freshman, so they’re a little on the younger side, they all had the same hair color and style, all had the same body type, all were the same height, all had the same eye color.” This time you do pause for dramatic effect, using the silence to build the tension.

“And all of them look exactly like me. Bangs and all.”

Madalyn leans forward a little, suddenly very worried about you going back next month. As she hurriedly tries to make sure you are taking the necessary precautions during a scary time like this, Flora floats around the diner, stopping to fill up the cup of a single man just behind your booth. All he has is black coffee, a textbook of some kind is splayed open across the table but he doesn’t seem to be too interested in it. Instead, he leans back in his seat, his ears listening to your every word.

“So in summary, I’m growing out my bangs because that’s obviously apart of this dude’s type.” Madalyn doesn’t protest anymore when you reach for another fry on her plate.

“Stop looking at me like that. I’m going to be fine. I’ll even color my hair if you’re so worried.” And the conversation continues, your best friend overly worried about you and your life as a fifteen year old college student, and you masking your fear for appearances sake. Harvey, however, finishes his coffee and asks for the bill.

He thought you were smarter than that. He thought you were smart enough to connect the dots and at least notice that he’d done all of it for you. That you were his everything. Apparently that was wrong. One day you’ll figure it out, of that he is certain.

For now though, you don’t even notices when he passes your table to get to the door.

Present Day

Spencer steps away from the car door, the cool wind hitting his cheeks and tousling his hair. It helps the dizziness in his head, and the nausea in his stomach, but it doesn’t help the sharp pain in his heart. His brain is swimming in all of the information, putting the pieces of the crime scene together like it was a puzzle.

“He left her in the driver’s seat after stabbing her from the backseat, walking around the front before knocking her out and carrying her to his own vehicle.” JJ looks back at the car, peering around crime scene analysts as they hurry about collecting evidence.

“She tried to leave, but her tires spun in the mud.” Rossi notes, nodding to the mud splatter along the sides of your car and the tiny graves each tire has dug into the ground for itself.

“There’s blood in the back.” Spencer finally speaks, looking away from the backseat window and back to his two partners. All eyes flick to the back seat where there is indeed two drops of blood on the floor and a smear of it on the headrest of the passenger seat.

“If he’s in any system then we’ll catch him.” Rossi said, nodding for the techs to collect what they could from the back. Spencer turns back to the car, well aware that there wasn’t anything else here for them the find that would lend them any information as to your whereabouts.

“In a system or not, I will hunt him to the ends of the earth before I let him get away with this.”

Back at the BAU, Prentiss makes calls to your mother and your best friend, Madalyn. Both answer on the first ring, and both are all the more willing to answer any questions that may assist the team in finding the man who had taken you.

“Is there anyone you remember (Y/N) mentioning that maybe stood out to you or her as creepy and stalkerish?” Your mother doesn’t recall anyone, having been focused on so many different cases during your childhood and having been so distant from you since you decided to not become a detective.

Madalyn, however, is quick to answer with a name Prentiss recalls crossing off the list of persons of interest.

“Harvey Morgenstein. They were friends in college, and although it weirded me out because he was a lot older than her at the time, he seemed harmless and I trusted (Y/N). But then he became her agent’s personal assistant all coincidentally and it just seemed too fishy to me.” Prentiss writes the name down, sliding it across the table with a pointed look at Garcia.

As quick as lightning, Harvey’s life history is pulled up between computer screens for both women to delve into.

Harvey is a short man with a wide build that, in earlier pictures, shows him to be more soft than muscly. His hair is dirty blonde but his eyes are two dark circles of coal that seem to pierce through the screen and into the souls of both Penelope and Emily.

“He’s totally not creepy looking.” Garcia remarks sarcastically, eyes sweeping across the information given to her the way Reid’s eyes might fly up and down the pages of a book or a case file.

“Tell me about it.” Emily replies, leaning into the seat designated for those on the team who so wished to give Penelope a visit while remaining off their feet.

“Harvey is a pretty normal guy for the most part. Single child of a Harvey and Lucille Morgenstein. Graduated from Georgetown in 2000 with a major in computer technology, minor in criminology.”

“The same graduating class as (Y/N).” Prentiss notes, her eyes just behind Garcia’s as articles and documents fly around the computer. Where some people talked with their hands, Garcia talked with her screens. The constant tap-tap-tapping of rings and fingers against the keyboard was like the audible churnining of cogs in her brain.

“Yeah, he spent some time as an IT guy at Georgetown before he got a job as a personal assistant. The only spot on his squeaky clean record that I can find is that he was a person of interest in a few rape cases involving some girls on campus back in the late 90’s, but he had alibis for every single one so they let him walk.” The pictures of every victim pop up across the screen in the form of a newspaper article talking about the serial rappings.

Gasps come from both their mouths as the dots connect.

“Call Reid and the others, and then call the agent. I think I may know what is going on.”

A couple of hours later and the pieces are all starting to come together.

Harvey had been the serial rapist from the 90s, attacking women who looked like you out of anger over not having you for himself, and pure obsession. After graduation, he tried to move on by distancing himself from you, but when his mother was diagnosed with cancer he fell back into his old stalkerish ways.

He followed your every move through your agent, who was the only person you spoke to the most outside of your mom and Madalyn.

After a little digging into unsolved rape cases in the area, it was obvious from the victimology and an oddly specific M.O. where he bit each of his victims on the neck, that he had also fallen back into his perverted rapist ways.

Harvey might have been content to stay like that, an obvious self esteem issue keeping him from ever approaching you directly for a date, until a month ago. Not even two days after the death of his sick mother, you and Spencer went on your first date outside of the bookstore. A double trigger.

In a sick and twisted display of love, Harvey started killing people the way you’d written deaths in your books. But with every death you continued to ignore him and see Spencer.

“Eventually it all became too much for him to handle and he snapped, kidnapping (Y/N) and calling to taunt Reid over his victory.” Hotch passed a hand over his face. The sirens blared loudly as they raced for Harvey’s house just outside of Quantico.

“This guy has been stalking her for a ridiculous amount of time.” Morgan commented with a shudder, sympathy and guilt from the earlier interrogation eating at him as the black SUV careens around a corner.

When they bust through his door, clearing each room and finding a creepy amount of pictures and papers about you, they realize that he has taken you somewhere else. And who do you call when you’re at a dead end and you need information?

“You’ve reached Penelope Garcia in the FBI’s Office of Supreme Genius.”

___

Breaking a chair that is nailed to the floor is a lot harder than it sounds, and it already sounds kinda hard.

There was a lot of kicking and hitting and some bruises were definitely starting to form, but the amount of blood coming from your leg was scary. The chances that the knife had nicked your femoral artery were relatively slim, especially given how long you’ve been bleeding, but you couldn’t help but waver on the side of caution.

After several failed attempts of throwing your body into the wood and kicking and hitting and pulling and crying and then repeating the cycle, you managed to pop a leg off. While the base of the leg stayed nailed to the floor, you spent the rest of your time trying to tear the chair from the rest of the legs, when you did you threw the top half against the concrete wall.

Taking two spindles from the back, you quickly scurry back to the mattress and wait for him to return. It’s only a matter of time before he decides to come back down here to taunt you or try something.

In your short time in what Harvey has so lovingly deemed ‘your room,’ you have come to a couple conclusions in an attempt to distract yourself from the excruciating pain in your thigh.

One being that this is not Harvey’s home. Of that you’re one hundred percent certain. Upstairs, you can hear the sound of two sets of feet thudding around. You can only assume this is his childhood home. You remember that his mother had died about a month ago, causing him to resign from his position as your agent’s personal assistant. She had mentioned to you that he planned to help his father as much as he could before he too passed away.

The second being that you were probably going to loose your leg. Any move this way or that sends a thousand knives through every nerve in your body. Your throat is scratchy and sore from how long you’ve been yelling, both in trying to get someone’s attention and in pain.

The light coming from the small window next to the ceiling hasn’t even begun to wane with the falling sun when the door opens again. The chain around your uninjured leg clatters when you pull your knee up to your chest. You don’t even attempt to move the other leg.

Harvey appears in the opening, a tray of food balances in his hands as he shuts the door behind him.

“Find some weapons?” He asks casually, setting the tray beside the lamp as he sinks to his knees on the mattress. Your knuckles are white around each spindle, the inside of your mouth is sensitive to the touch from how much nervous chewing you’ve been doing.

“Get away from me, or I’ll kill you.” You seethe, fighting through the swimming in your head that hasn’t gone away since you woke up here. He gives you a look like you’re a misbehaving child, but it’s soon replaced with anger when you slap him across the face with one of your weapons.

You were hoping the attack would break skin, but all it does is turns the skin over his cheekbone dark red.

Faster than you can blink, he pins both your wrists with one of his hands above your head on the mattress, using the other hand to deftly pluck each spindle from your grip.

“I’ve done so much for you. I’ve given you a room, and a career, and so much more, and yet you attack me.” The wooden spindles hit the wall next to the door, his body lowers to yours in a way you know means more trouble.

“You’re a creep and a perv and I don’t want you to touch me! You’ve done nothing for me. Only for yourself.” In a way that would make any young boy proud to know you, you collect all the spit and bile in your mouth before shooting it into his face. Part of it hits him in the eye, causing him to roar in outrage.

He lets you go, giving you a brief moment of relief, but he only wipes away the loogey before rocking his hand back hard enough to crack against the side of your face. In your moment of disorientation, he flips you to your stomach and undoes the cuff from around your leg. The chain rings against the ground when he tosses it to the side.

His knee went to your back, his hands went to your waist, and the moment you manage to come back to yourself, your fingers clawed at whatever flesh you could find near you. You screamed and flailed as much as you could, the shooting pain of your leg barely noticeable when your body was in panic mode.

All you can think as that this is the kind of thing you read about. People don’t actually get kidnapped and rapped by people they knew in college. But you know that isn’t true either. You are the daughter of a detective, things like this were apart of your everyday life growing up. Just never as personal as you or a friend being the victim. For some reason that makes you fight harder, a sickly feelings creeping into your throat when you felt his fingers brush under the hem of your underwear.

Then a sound pulled you from your hysteria, the door fell to the ground and a swarm of FBI Agents descended upon the concrete basement you still refused to call ‘your room.’ Spencer was the last of them to enter, but the unadulterated fury in his eyes was enough to tell you that was not a decision on his part.

To you, and maybe even everyone else in the room who managed to look at him for longer than a millisecond, he looked like an avenging angel. Every chocolate caramel curl perfectly framed his face, which looked like it was carved out of stone. His jaw was so tense you could slice your finger if your ran it along the edge. The revolver in his hands was unwavering, only growing in steadiness when he caught compromising position you were in.

The sob that came out of your throat was one of relief. Harvey lifted you from the mattress, reaching into his pocket to pull out that damned pocket knife. He held you so close to his chest that it made your skin crawl.

“Harvey Morgensten, drop the weapon.” Morgan’s voice boomed around the room. Harvey held you with one arm tensed around the front of your shoulders and the other holding a knife to your neck.

“She’s mine! You weren’t supposed to be able to find us!” He screamed, you winced away from the shrilling pitch that scraped against the inside of your ear. It caused him to push the knife into the skin over your exposed collarbone, blood beading around the the metal tip. Your heart was hammering beneath your ribs, your hands flexing at your sides, your mind racing for a way to get out of this situation.

Spencer’s lip went up in a snarl, you half expected him to let a growl tear through his chest as if he was a lion standing against an enemy. The hairs on the back of your neck stood to attention when he took a hesitant step forward, his eyes softening for just a fraction of a second when he looks down at you.

In that fraction of a second all of his defenses fall and you can see all the grief and panic in the bags under his eyes and the raw skin of his bottom lip.

“She was never yours, Harvey.” Spencer says, wincing when Harvey responds by yanking you even closer than before. His breath is hot on your neck, his lips so close that they brush against the skin on the back of your shoulder when he speaks.

“She was never yours, Dr. Reid. She is mine, she always will be.” You cry out in surprise, your fingers coming up to scratch at the arm around your shoulders when a pair of teeth sink into the crook of your neck as if you were the victim of a vampire or something equally supernatural and territorial.

The action has the desired effect on every agent watching, especially Reid, who stumbles forward before Hotch grabs him by the back of his arm. They don’t have a shot, not without hurting you. That much you can tell just from the look they share. It doesn’t take a genius to look around and see that the end of every gun in the room is pierced right through you.

It makes you angry. You grind the back of your teeth together when a dark chuckles echoes from behind you. In your mind’s eye, you see it all happening the way you see a scene from a book playing before you like a movie.

Reaching up with one hand, you grab the onto the arm holding the knife. With the pad of your thumb, you shove every bit of strength you have into the soft skin at the inside of his wrist. At the same time, you pull your head forward before sending it reeling back onto his already broken nose. This time, you can feel the crunch of bones as your skull makes contact with his face.

Simultaneously, he drops the knife to the floor with a cry and drops his arms to reach for his gushing nose. Adrenaline pumping through your veins, you manage the couple of steps forward into Spencer’s arms. In a quick and graceful display of surprising strength, he carries you back into his embrace and spins around to shield you from the monster staggering back toward you.

Prentiss is quick to catch him in his blind pursuit for you, twisting both of his arms back without an ounce of sympathy for his pain. The jingle of handcuffs precede the finality of each click around his wrists.

“Everything I did, I did for you! I made your book come to life, I ruined the reputation of those girls, I did it all for you.” Harvey struggles against the restraints, twisting his body any way that he can to get a glimpse of you curled into Spencer’s chest.

You brain is caught between reality and a distant world, everything around you feels like make believe. Only the feeling of Spencer’s sweater curled into your fingers and his hand on the back of your head feels real. Harvey’s voice is like a recording being played three blocks away, still loud enough to hear but not close enough to focus on. He’s hissing threats and insults at Spencer’s back, that psycho-something in him finally snapping under the circumstances.

Somebody is yelling for a medic and there, just underneath it all, is the sound of someone wailing in such a way that words could never accurately describe the intense pain and grief being carried on every screaming sob. As the events from the last twelve hours come rushing back to you, reality takes the reins of your mind.

It’s you that’s crying like that. That desperate, broken sound is coming from your heaving chest. When your leg finally gives out from under you, the pain too much for your body to bare, he was already there holding you.

The screams fade into small shattered sobs just in time for medics to descend the stairs. Their hands are voices are everywhere, medical jargon flying over your head as they pry your hands from Spencer’s sweater. You pull back from every touch, the thoughts in your brain flying too fast for you to keep up.

It takes them a while to get you to the ambulance, but when they do you start to panic.

“Spencer?!” You cry out, unable to move your head too much due to the neck brace and head strap holding you down. It takes only a second for him to come into view, his eyes glassy and his smile watery. His hand slips into yours before they raise you up to the ambulance, your hand is icy to the touch.

The paramedics had mentioned a possible concussion, excessive blood loss, and signs of acute compartment syndrome. The fact that you had remained conscious and walking this long was a testament to your strong will and fighting spirit.

“Don’t leave me.” You whispered, the black around the edges of your vision creeping in despite how hard you fought it. Spencer almost winced from how hard you tightened the grip on his fingers. His mouth moved, but you never heard the response, your mind fading quickly with every second.

“Don’t leave.”

The sound of a heart monitor steadily beeping was what woke you up. Groaning from all the aches and pains that surged up with consciousness, your eyes fluttered open before squinting into the bright hospital lights.

Your mother was the first thing that popped into your field of vision. The last time she had looked at you with such worry, you’d been in the ER after flipping your car into a ditch. In your defense, it was dark and, as a young driver, you over corrected when you hit a patch of standing water.

“Mama?” You pushed up on the bed, the pillow behind your head falling to the space between your lower back and the mattress. Your mom was quick to pick it up and fluff it back behind your head. She must really be concerned. Had they found cancer while you were out or something?

“Oh my goodness, (Y/N), you had me so worried.” Gingerly, you pressed the heel of your hand to the bandage that stuck to your hair and the corner of your head. Brushing the butterfly stitches that went across the cut on your cheek, you barely had time to react before she pulled you into a breath-stealing hug.

The wound on your neck smarted with the movement and you hissed in pain. Your mom pulled back, squishing your cheeks between her hands as tears began to collect on her lower lash line. Your mother was not the type to cry, about really anything, as far as you knew of. So to see her tearing up like this only added to the confusion and shock you were already feeling.

“Never join law enforcement. I thought I wanted you to, but I can’t deal with this kidnapping and near-death nonsense. I’m getting too old for it.” She teased tenderly, releasing your face from the death grip of love to wipe away the tears before they fell down her cheeks.

“When did you get here?” You asked, taking note of all the wires and tubes that connected to your body via IVs and sticky pads. A glance down at your leg eased the fear that you might have sustained a leg wound that would take your leg from you. You didn’t move it for fear of the pain you could already feel throbbing to the beat of your heart.

The bed dipped under your mother’s weight as she sat beside you, gathering one of your hands into both of hers. Scars littered the knuckles that had wiped away your tears and taught you to throw punches.

“I only got here about an hour ago, but you’ve had round the clock protection from the FBI so no need to get panicky. I can see that look creeping into your eyes.” Her own eyes squint a little, those highly observant detective skills kicking in. She’s always been able to read you like an open book, making you wonder if she would have been good at profiling.

Of course she would have, your mother was good at everything she set her mind to.

“FBI?” You’re full of so many questions, but they all fall away when you mom shifts out of your line of sight to reveal the sleeping agent tucked away into the corner of the room.

Spencer is curled onto a hospital chair that is placed into a corner beside the window looking out over the parking lot. His back is leaned against the wall, one shoulder leaned against the back of the chair. One long leg is curled into the seat and the other is stretched out next to the chair. From across the room, you can see the shadows his eyelashes cast across his cheekbones in slumber. Oddly enough, your first thought is of Sleeping Beauty.

The sight is enough to make your heart feel like it’s squeezing around a ball of broken glass. Before your mother can read too much into the mixture of emotions that, surely, skew your features, you look away.

“He’s been here since they brought you in. I met his team, they’re a fine group of agents. You didn’t tell me you were friends with anyone in the FBI.” Before she can say anything else, you clear your throat. Putting one hand, a little dramatically, to your chest you give your mother a look you haven’t used since you were a kid trying to stay home from school.

“Mama, I’m a little hungry. Can you get me something to eat?” It works like a charm. You’ve never seen your mother jump so quickly before, she races out the door like a woman on a mission. It warms your aching heart.

“Maybe you should have tried acting.” Spencer’s voice is groggy with sleep as he sits up and stretches into awareness.

“How long have you been awake?” He meets your gaze, his expression soft and earth-shaking. When you imagined seeing Spencer wake up first thing in the morning, it was never in a hospital room while feelings of betrayal and confusion stabbed into your chest.

“Just long enough to hear your mom talk about my team. She’s a nice lady.” He doesn’t move from the chair, sensing the tension in the room the way only a profiler can. He’s afraid that if he gets up, you’ll make him leave. He doesn’t need to know that he’s right.

“How long have I been out?” You’re asking every question except the one you’ve been dying to ask.

“A day. You had a pretty bad concussion and acute compartment syndrome in your leg. They weren’t sure you were going to be able to retain control of the muscle given how long you were kept hostage with it untreated, but I know you’re too stubborn to let that happen.” The silence that follows is stifling, your eyes interlocked in a battle of wills.

Was this the same man that had accused you of being a serial killer?

You’re the first to look away, fidgeting with a fray string from the blanket thrown over your legs.

“I think we need some time apart.”

“I’m so incredibly sorry.” You both speak at the same time, but your words drain the blood from Spencer’s face when they finally register. He had hoped that, by some miracle, you would forgive him of the unforgivable sin he had committed against you in the name of justice. He understood why you didn’t.

“I just,” The threads of the blanket you recognize from your childhood bedroom bump underneath your fingers when you smooth your hand over it, “I want to forgive you. But all I keep thinking is that none of this would have happened to me if you had used all those brains in your head instead of all the insecurities in you heart.”

It’s like a slap across the face, and yet Spencer can’t help but feel like he deserves it. Even still, none of it hurts as much as the crack in your voice and the tears that you try so desperately to blink away before he can see them.

It isn’t often that Spencer Reid is rendered speechless, but the guilt and heartache have stolen all the words of every language and all the breath from the air right out of his mouth.

“It’s still so fresh in my mind, I think if we distance ourselves then we’ll be able to come back to something rather than trying to scramble to bridge together the chasm that has formed between us.”

He wants to argue, everything in him screams that he needs to fight for you, but the look in your eyes stops him. If you need space, then space is what he will give you. Spencer would do anything to make this right. He wishes he had the intelligence and technology to build a time machine and go back to two mornings ago.

“I understand,” he says solemnly, trying to talk around the hurt in his chest that is growing like a tumor. “But I promised I wouldn’t leave you. I’ll give you space, but I’m only giving you the space of the wall between this room and the hallway.”

And then he’s gone, staying true to his word and sinking to the floor outside your room. When you mother comes back, holding a collection of jellos and cookies and granola bars from the hospital cafeteria, her steps falter at the sight of the young doctor outside your door.

Inside you’re curled into yourself, taking very deliberate breaths into the cotton stuffed pillow you have buried into your chest. You half expect your heart monitor to be screaming for the nurses, but despite a small quickening in the constant beeps, it gives away none of your heartbreak.

“(Y/N)?” You look up, meeting your mothers eyes with tear stained cheeks. Your head is going to be throbbing later, but for now you’re only focused on the sharp pains shooting through your ribs and clouding every other pain in your body.

Between one gasp of air and the next, your mother drops all the foods to the chair vacated by Spencer before rushing to pull you into her arms.

“Can you die from a broken heart?” You whimper, feeling like a small child as you bury your head into her chest. She smells like home, running her hand over the back of your head with gentle shushing sounds.

Outside, Spencer wipes at his own tears, a silent statue of sadness protecting you from everything but himself.

[theblackbutterfly02]

Writer asks! 9 + Different Paths (and Winterkind 👀)

fun fact I joined a new Tales server and advertised your fics there

Answers this ask so late that Pav deleted her Tumblr in the process 😭

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic?

For Winterkind - oh god, yes. Like, just for the first chapter I kept changing the scene so often until I was finally satisfied with the perspective and the feeling/mood/atmosphere of the scene ugh. And, since it's not finished I keep playing with scenes, adding and scrapping them or placing them in different order to be satisfied. I also have had three different ideas for an ending and I'm not even halfway through the story I want to tell.

Different Paths - in fact, no. This one, I had both chapters planned the moment I started writing and I didn't change it in the process!

It really goes either way with my fics xD I had a bunch of one shots I completely turned around halfway through writing them

[ford-ye-fiji]

thank you for the tag @sharkneto 💕💖🌸

20 questions, writer’s edition! I answered a lot of these questions in another similar tag game here so I’ve switched up a few of the questions 

How many works do you have on AO3 ff.net?

105. There is some overlap with AO3 tho

What’s your total AO3 ff.net word count?

171,525

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Over 72. Here’s the back half of them ajkaks: Jonathan strange and mr norrell, Dracula, infinity train, the hobbit, the expanse, dead again, lupin iii, mob psycho 100, hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy, pushing daisies, aliens, kubo and the two strings, the mandalorian, Lockwood and co, the Blacklist, fallout… I’m stopping again ajaks 

What are your top 5 fics by kudos? (For 2020) I’m laughing so hard the top three are just teenager lyrics can u tell who they’re about ajkaks 

1. they could care less (as long as someone’ll bleed) (1448)

2. maybe they’ll leave you alone (but not me) (995)

3. another cog in the murder machine (805)

4. on featherlight feet (602) 

5. i wanna get in trouble, i wanna start a fight (585) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Yes! Because it’s literally the best way to find the people who have the same favorite characters as you. 

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I’ll give a different answer this time. One of my saddest is Together or Not at All. It’s basically just me being miserable about the Ponds and 11 for about 4K words. And surprise! No little happy ending right at the last second. Just sadness. 

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Imma go with cinnamon and sugar, sprinkles and smoke. its not my usual fare, only minimal angst and some tooth rotting fluff ajsjs  Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I love crossovers so much. The doctor who/tua one has currently taken over my life. Idk about craziest… I wrote one with the hobbit and Sherlock (is that crazy or just cringe?), the dumbest one was once upon a time/doctor who, ha, I’m not going to explain, there’s firefly/doctor who crossover that will forever go unfinished because I wrote it so long ago… wait actually, the craziest crossover I ever wrote I never published! River Song played Mrs. Bennet in some pride and prejudice mini series and the eleventh doctor played Mr. Collins in PPZ So I did a crossover just to be stupid. (I’m realizing a lot of these involve doctor who… which makes sense because doctor who was my first major fandom, really.)  Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yep. Thankfully nothing super bad tho.  Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Nope. Definitely will never write it. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! two, into Russian.  What’s your all time favorite ship? 11/not losing the Ponds and 5/getting a nap and also a metric ton of TLC What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

no escape from reality this was a duck tales fic! I was writing it based off of a super talented artist’s comics, with her permission of course. She ended up deleting her tumblr and vanishing off the face of the planet for personal reasons. so all the comics I referenced Uh kind of vanished and also it was left incomplete so im,,, probably never gonna finish. really hope she’s doing alright tbh What are your writing strengths? I try to stay as in character as possible (don’t always achieve it ajaks) but I think I manage pretty good overall. Not making things too wordy, I suppose.  What are your writing weaknesses? Haha on the flip side, I tend to make things too short XD also planning out fics/writing drafts. Those are things I… don’t do. I generally don’t plan out a fic until I’m halfway through it. And generally I only write long fic because I want to write one specific scene,,, so might be part of the reason I have so much trouble finishing things  What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

If a character would say it, I try to write it (if it’s not too complex).  What was the first fandom you wrote for?

According to ff.net, the first fandom I ever published a fic for was either frozen or doctor who. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

I’m picking different ones from last time. So I really liked how i am and always will be the optimist, the hoper of far flung hopes, and dreamer of improbable  dreams turned out. i’m a believer (and i couldn’t leave if i tried) turned out to be one of my longest fics. And it’s always darkest before the dawn is actually my favorite Babylon 5 fic out of the other ones I’ve written. Plus it was so much fun to play around with the body horror stuff ajsjs 

rip if you’ve been tagged before already, and of course no pressure! @captainkirkk @nightskywriter @ds-umbrella-manufacturing-co and anyone else who wants to do it!