#tumblr desperately does not want me to upload this video and at this point i am going to commit violence

[serendertothesquad]

Seren's Studies: Wordsville's Official Release -- Is It Really an Odd Squad Clone? (Part 1)

You can bet your fine ass I am, because, to put it nicely, the fuck is this?

All right. Anyway. So part of what I used to weaponize my YouTube channel for was doing Seren Reacts videos on new PBS Kids shows. Basically, I'd take the first episode they'd upload and react to it. Since I don't have the capacity to actually do that for this show, and since I did tell you all I'd do a Seren's Study on Wordsville when it came out and I had a chance to see it...here ya go. I watched the first episodes of this thing so you don't have to!

...Uh...well...if you don't want to, anyway.

In this essay, I'm going to put the final nail in the coffin as to the issue of whether Wordsville is truly an Odd Squad ripoff or not. I'll also be picking apart the first episode screencap by screencap, just like I used to do in the good old days of Odd News.

(At the very least, the America's Funniest Home Videos animation I'm not a fan of. At least with Tom Bergeron it was funny.)

Below the break we go!

(Just as a side note: this will be split into multiple parts because Tumblr apparently has a photo limit now. That's...gonna make these followup Seren's Studies just a bit trickier.)

Ohhhh they're really trying, bless their little hearts.

Look at that, they even threw in a goddamn university degree like these kids up and went to Harvard. Because Odd Squad agents didn't go to university and aw God man you gotta be shitting me.

Man, the theme even follows the same schtick of Odd Squad agents explaining who they are and what they do! I guess that's one for the Half-Ass list...

(And on a related note, because I don't think I brought this up: Gabby's actress sounds like she was on Odd Squad at one point, but hell if I know where. Guess I'll know when the credits come up.)

Hm. Hah. Just like, y'know, Olive and Otto, Orla and Omar at one point in ti- really, do I have to keep going?

You could tell me this was an Odd Squad sequel spinoff in disguise and I'd 100% believe you.

(Also is that...is that a rainbow bead design in the upper right there? Does Sly is gay or am I just going nuts because this episode was uploaded in Pride Month and Sinking Ship already has some LGBTQ+ rep under their belt?)

I will say that, unlike with Odd Squad, I appreciate them not making this out to be some stupidly thinly-veiled Zoom or Skype parody. It looks like a new fresh platform that isn't supposed to reference anything. I like that!

...Nah, not even I'm desperate enough to pry an Odd Squad jab out of this title.

I am, however, getting flashbacks to Wonderful Precure and people speculating about the colors in the title. If this were one of those seasons we'd have a group of five with a blue-green Cure as the leader, which would melt the Internet. Definitely. Maybe.

Also, unless they're working on Odd Squad UK and we don't know it yet, Christin Simms is not an Odd Squad name I recognize. Seems they've worked on pretty much every modern Sinking Ship series but Odd Squad, which I choose to take as intentional just due to the similarities between the two series alone. I mean let's be honest...if it were an Odd Squad writer, it would really only reinforce a few of my points.

So I've chosen to watch "The Case of the Disappearing Donuts", mainly because I believe that's the episode that was featured in the sample script I talked about in the previous Seren's Study. Just...y'know, as a heads-up. I tried to go for the first episode.

And needless to say...I'm not sure if this is it (TVO released five episodes in a bundle and your guess is as good as mine as to which one is the series premiere) but I can already see a striking difference with Odd Squad, in that yes, Wordsville does indeed launch us clear into the plot without any warning. Yeah yeah they explained it in the intro but I do not care. Let me get to know your characters first!

Once again, I will reiterate for you all: this show being purely digital instead of live-action completely hinders it. It is 2024. The pandemic is not an excuse anymore. I'd get more enjoyment out of this if it weren't two people communicating through mock Apple laptops.

And if you aren't getting what I'm picking at, imagine if, for the nearly ten years it's been on, Odd Squad was a purely-digital show. Would we get the worldbuilding? The lore? The character development? The funny interactions? No, no, no, and no. It's like the difference between talking to someone in video chat and talking to someone in real life. One boosts your health. The other one, not so much.

Clearly they didn't really try for this bit in the audio department, because this cookie is all about that bass with absolutely no fuckin' treble.

(To be fair, though, Odd Squad has soundbytes like this from time to time too. So I can't really complain all that much.)

Something I was shocked to find out about Wordsville: each episode is all of 8 minutes long. Which...doesn't really help the series' case because the pacing is utterly atrocious. For Odd Squad, which has mostly 11-minute episodes, the pacing is smoother for a lot of them. I can take my time, understand what's going on, and enjoy what I'm seeing. Hell, even Tiny Time Travel's pacing isn't awful for the short time it has, and I wasn't gonna even touch that show for this Seren's Study because it's not made by the same people outside of Tim...until people brought up similarities, and I felt at least obligated to mention it once.

This falls squarely into the category of "if I go on an acid trip, can I drag out this episode three times longer than it actually is?"

We.

Are 55 seconds in.

And we are already getting to the conflict.

...Hand me the bong. The BIG bong. If you see dogs in my front yard, just tell 'em to get inside and glow upstairs because I'm goin' hard.

BIG BONG.

...I'm not touching the timing of this call because convenience is in literally every piece of media with video chatting ever. It's not just a Wordsville thing.

The Town Baker walked so Baker Graham could work his hand at a whip.

No but seriously, I can't look at this character and not think of Chef O from Odd Squad UK. The brainrot set in once I viewed the trailer. It hasn't left.

Hey, it's a good marketing tactic.

And it makes a great gift for your SO if they happen to have a name that starts with any of the letters. Hell, get the U, the T and the I and you'd have a winner!

...

Waaaaaaait a second-

In this era of super-powerful processors and AI seeping into anything and everything, there is no scientifically possible way Gabby can pull up a computer dictionary within milliseconds.

And when Odd Squad, the show that has ironic low-tech stuff, is more realistic than your high-tech show, you got a problem.

Minute and a half into this thing and this is the only bit that got me close to smiling thus far.

But something I wanna point out is that I've gotten cookies from bakeries that look a lot better than that. Hell, the cookies at my local supermarket look better than that! Just as big, and far yummier!

I see they switched around the personalities for Sly and Gabby, and I can see why.

Gabby emotes the most.

So does Olive.

Gabby is Olive with a braid and a fedora.

Gabby is the serious o- guys, really, must I go on?

Something something substituting bagels like in "Soundcheck" for donuts instead.

This is what happens when you let your co-CEO binge-watch all the Shrek movies, Sly.

Careful, Gabby...please don't drop the title.

Odd Squad doesn't drop the title all that much, but the fact that the episodes are referred to as cases in-universe sells the comparison. Wordsville's cases are just...different. Copyright infringement and all that. When Oprah sues, she sues hard.

Thank you. I hate it. Off you will fuck from my lawn.

...Look, I know what the "Sly-mation" is and y'all are not being slick. You don't get to wave a fucking stylus in my face and say what you're doing is animation but with a fancy name. Animation is hard. Animating stuff halfway and slapping your client's head on their animated body instead of drawing a face resembling your client is a disservice and I will abso-fucking-lutely take that personally as a fan of animation.

I mean, hey, if I were an animator, I'd fully commit. You people remember that the studio who made this worked on a Spongebob movie. Lemme repeat: a Spongebob movie. And yet this is what they decide to do for animation.

When Odd Squad does animation, it's good in most instances. (I choose to forget "Olive and Otto in Shmumberland", TYVM.) Not anything stellar, but it certainly is passable. Here? Lol. Lmao, even. God no. This feels like a way to insert animation into the show but without employing the CGI that other shows, Odd Squad included, have. Like a "lol I'm so quirky" thing.

Get out.

This is like if Disney had Disneymation. Dreamworksation. Laikation. Netflixation. Huluation. So on and so forth.

Point being, it's dumb. Just say it's animation and stop plopping flowers onto it. When you get more of a time limit, then you can be quirky all you want.

We are now 2 minutes into an 8-minute episode. I know what's happening. Kids know what's happening. Unless you're banking on the research that kids' attention spans are the size of a pea, we do not need a recap.

...Is this really the same person who wrote for Endlings? Because apparently they can't handle something in an 8-minute timeframe.

You either get the Chad Blender/Flash/ToonBoom, or you get the Virgin Mock Scratch.

I just feel cheated. Disappointed. Like when your mom and dad drove by McDonald's when you were a kid after they promised you they would get you some. I've seen good animation. They had the chance to do better, and didn't. That's what pisses me off the most. It's that complete utter wasted potential.

I know Vet Wilder is a reference to some celebrity (the name is at least somewhat familiar), but I'm at a complete loss as to if they did the same thing for Athlete Glory or if they just confined a girl named Glory to one destiny in life.

So she'll become...a Faded Glory.

(I'm sorry, I had to.)

Okay, they're reiterating this for the young children, and I- guys, this hurts. It's like they're trying to differentiate themselves from Odd Squad but tripping over their own feet in the process.

Ten cookies Gene Vet Wilder gave it to an animal named Yummy and that this series will go down another Odd Squad route and defy biology.

Either that, or "Yummy" is his pet name for Not-So-Faded Glory, which I am banking absolutely nothing on because romance.

...No, not Baker Graham's cookies. I'm sure dude's good at what he does, but I know of a better bakery, thank you very much.

*aggressively takes out the ibuprofen for the headache this shit is giving me*

This reads like TVOkids font, and I'm not even mad.

I'm only sad I didn't get the "I know so much about fonts" autism.

(Also, this is really just called The Bakery? They have one bakery? That's it? Even Toronto has more than one!)

-----------------------------

Onward to Part 2!

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

y’know the wildest thing still to happen to me on this hellsite was my first experience of sexting, sans nudes, that was done in front of at least 250-500 followers because of those horny anons i had in early 2013 when i was 17. instead of being exposed to it on my phone privately with a partner at that age, it was done publicly for the internet to see lmao. i remember begging the anons to stop and “come off anon” because i was “losing followers” at the time too bc i was so insecure about my follower count lmao. and then yeah when they came off anon they were both 28 years old.

to write the responses, i just consulted cosmo mag sex pages for ideas hoping that the anons would like the options i chose. in one i detailed doing anal- a sex act i hadn’t even done yet irl- let alone every other thing i suggested in them (head, idek long, drawn out foreplay, some stupid fancy sex moves that cosmo was all like “use these moves to spice up your sex life 🔥🔥”, sex in a bath, i’m pretty sure i had some lines about tying or handcuffing them to a bed (????) etc etc etc)….

when again, i had never even done any of those above sex acts in real life. i was a naive teen who was incredibly shy in regards towards her love life because she’d “never been kissed” and had never had the “hot emo boyfriend whose in a band and is covered in tattoos” she’d always wanted, let alone even a boyfriend that she had actually fucking liked (ie clear braces boy, for like a month in year 9/2010 vs the popular boys that made fun of her, that she always had unrequited crushes on)…. hell, my blog title when i first started on here in 2011 was “the perfect epitome of being forever alone” because of these very reasons. but here she was, writing explicit sex acts to strangers like she knew what the fuck she was doing, to an audience of 250-500 people- and then to fucking grown ass men in inboxes. i was just parroting the shit i’d read in cosmo (both sex advice and sometimes excerpts of erotica/“sexy, steamy reads” they had some months) and also heard repeatedly in the porn that my high school stalker/creeper at public school loved to show (harass) me with to flirt with me, whenever we were alone together at school in 2012/2013.

like you could tell how naive i was….. because i used ridiculous lines like “like a gentleman entranced, you lead me to the bath for our next foray” and dumbass prose-y things like that. because what the fuck does that even mean 😂😅????

and this is why i think minors should be careful with their online experiences. like yeah, you could say that i wasn’t a minor anymore- more of a “young adult”- who should of made the smart decision to not engage with these anons. but i was a kid. i thought it was fun. and when the dudes came off anon, i thought to myself “it’s not like i’m ever gonna meet them if i ever go to the US or puerto rico at any point. it’s not like that they’ll ever recognise me in person or ever reach out to me again in the future. i might as well do it.” and i did eventually end up ignoring the guys in my inbox, due to my mental health kinda plummeting from the middle til the end of 2013 because of my end of high school exams and stuff… and also the puerto rican guy’s infamously inappropriate “hot PE teacher fucks HOT female high school student in the girls change room showers” fantasy which fucking disgusted me, when he full well knew that i was STILL IN high school.

and obviously again, there’s the point about using the “block” button function. but as i’ve stated several times over my years on here, back in my early days of tumblr, i never wanted to block or unfollow people (even if they were trash like these two men), because it seemed so “mean” and “final”. obvs now i have no qualms about blocking people, and actively encourage younger people on here to use the block button with reckless abandon towards creepy people or people who can hurt them in some way. but to high school teenage me, the whole “using the block button” thing seemed to go against me being a “nice girl/person” so i never used it, no matter which social media platform i was on.

this is why i’m hella scared for young teen girls on tik tok wanting to have onlyfans accounts: because it’s where they’ll be exposed to ACTUAL CREEPS AND PREDATORS incredibly quickly; all because they can make money off selling images of just their feet or eventually their body….. depending on what these creepy strangers demand from them….. and they’ll feel like they’ll have to do it…. but to do it before you even start experimenting properly with relationships and sex is even worse. like. yeah. i’ve admitted before that i originally started this tumblr to possibly post nudes, to see if i’d get the positive feedback that i so desperately wanted/craved from the boys in my year at catholic school- eg. to be called “sexy”, “hot”, “fuckable” possibly “beautiful”- like some of the so called “popular girls” got on their hella basic bikini photos back then (like i remember one girl i knew ended up with like 500 likes and a fair amount of comments on one of her bikini pics and i was INCREDIBLY BITTER because not even a pic of me with a nice outfit on, my hair done and makeup on could EVER get those numbers, let alone even break over the double digits).

but i decided posting nudes or other explicit images on here was an absolute no go, because i realised that i never wanted people that i knew digging up barely clothed/naked pics of me and sending them to me all like “hey, is this you?” and then possibly mocking me, all because i would’ve been dumb enough to put my face in them probably at the time. now when i take nudes and send them, i never show my face. because i know now, that even in relationships, your partner can use nude pics as leverage for arguments or to abuse you in such a way that they’ll upload your pics without your knowledge to god knows where on the internet probably as a way to get back at you in a horrible breakup.

this is what i sincerely hope some young girls who ever contemplate starting onlyfans accounts take some time SERIOUSLY CONSIDER. please know that if you share shit on onlyfans, it can shared and re-shared (i think idek how OF works tbh) to god knows who- and eventually end up in the hands of people you know. i don’t fucking care if it’s a “good way to make money!” or if people think that im trying to stop teen girls from being “girl bosses” and the other dumb as fuck internet memes you want to throw at me. because this shit isn’t “haha internet meme funny” material. it’s some fucking serious stuff. and also, i’m not saying “don’t become a sex worker when you’re older” or whatever either. you’re free to make that choice when you’re in your 20s (no i even mean 17-19 year olds in this post as “young teen girls”- sorry you’re basically kids to me at almost 26). just please consider where the fuck your stuff can be shared to. who it can end up being shared with or to.

this is why i was so fucking adamant with my infamous old follower mr adelaide fuckboy/MAF that i personally would NOT consider becoming a camgirl for him or just generally… because i had no idea where the fuck my images or videos would end up. and do you know the places i’d never want them to fucking be??? in the hands of my high school stalker/creeper. in the hands of those two 28yo men from 2013 (who’d now be in there late 30s or early 40s). i absolutely don’t want them in the hands the mid-to-late 20s and early 30s men that that girl i met at public school in 2012 who was pissed that i didn’t believe that were “adults” because we were finally over the legal age of consent (16) in our state of australia, and so we were apparently fine to “fuck” literal grown ass men because “just fuck them and they’ll be nice to you!!” which i knew was fucking bullshit.

i absolutely don’t fucking want explicit videos/images of me ending up in “why the fuck won’t you let me give you “sex lessons” in the back of my car as a “favour” and as payment for teaching you how to drive you stupid, stuck up & frigid, virgin bitch!?” guy’s hands from 2014 (when i was 18/19 at the time and he was 25… he ended up being the first person of many i’d EVER block on social media lol). or i don't want them in the hands of those weird early 20s dudes (one of which was trying to set me up with his friend) who hit on me at 16/17 (2012) who were angry that i didn’t like and watch porn as much as they did…. and who promptly asked me at the end of their period of harassing of me: “do you know any sluts we could add?” because i kept refusing their suggestions etc.

hell, quite frankly i don’t even want them to go to mr adelaide fuckboy/MAF either, but the very few and far between nudes that i sent on snapchat to him back in 2016 are some nudes that i’d rather forget lmao. hell. i don’t even know if MAF ever deleted my nudes or shared them somewhere else or not, after he fucking wheedled them out of me with “i’ve followed you for 4 years, don’t be a shit! you owe me nudes!” so he’d just shut the fuck up about my social life decisions and leave me the fuck alone.

i don’t want ANY ONE of the guys i mentioned above to get their hands on photos of minors either…. because i definitely know my hs stalker/creeper would… because his fave “make her jealous” tactic that he’s always used on me is that “hey…. i’m dating a *insert teenage girl’s age here*! be fucking jealous that you don’t fucking have me and feel guilty that you won’t fuck me like this girl does!!!” just like he did in 2015, when i ran into him on the home from uni… when i turned 20 the next week and he turned 20 that december. at that time it was a 14yo girl he used as an example of him “dating”/“fucking” to make me jealous. instead, i was completely and utterly fucking disgusted. like any fucking sane and normal human being would/should be at that horrible age gap. that is literally a fucking child that he was fucking grooming. and we were literal adults. back the fuck away.

just please. PLEASE CONSIDER the types of people that trawl these kinds of sites and their intentions. please consider that you are young. very fucking young. you literally DO NOT need to upload nudes to the internet because it’s apparently a “lucrative” business. fuck the jokey “boss babe” rhetoric around it all the way to fucking hell.

because if you’re a minor: i do not want you to have your first experience of sexting or sending explicit images literally in front of god knows how many total strangers for the whole world to see (okay i know only fans is like subscriber/follower based or whatever. but i don’t care)…… even when you (depending how good you are with relationships etc) haven’t reached the common supposed milestones of your “first boyfriend/girlfriend/partner” or “first kiss” or have even “lost your virginity” (which isn’t real anyway- don’t buy this fucking bullshit)…. just like i stupidly did with my exposure to sexting here on my tumblr back in 2013. these people don’t/won’t give a flying fuck about your privacy or safety. they don’t/won’t give a fuck about your boundaries either.

please don’t possibly scar yourself for life, just because you’re being told that it’s a quick & convenient way to make some money for weirdos on the depths of the internet. you will regret it in future. just like i do now with mine. it should’ve been something personal between me and and a guy i trusted and liked at the time. not to some random 250-500 random strangers on this hellsite (okay the notes on these posts were literally single digits or non-existent, but still… and also some of my irl friends who had tumblr saw these posts as well) for a show….. and then privately with two 28yo literal grown ass men…. who should’ve been fucking hitting on women their own goddamned age and in their own countries and NOT a 17yo high school KID (at the time) from australia; who, now in her 20s, needs therapy to sort this shit out lmao. mind you they both reeled me in with the “you’re so mature for your age” bullshit line…. which i fell for a little bit, even if it did make me feel kinda gross at the time, too. don’t fall for that bullshit either.

[kittyprincessofcats]

RWBY Volume 8, Episodes 8-12

All caught up with RWBY now! (Except for the premium only episode.)

So, two things first: 1. From now on, my blog will no longer be spoiler free for RWBY! I don’t have premium access, so no spoilers for that, but beyond that, I might now reblog spoilers for everything that’s been released to the public. Blacklist “#RWBY spoilers” if you don’t want to see them.

2. I was going to ask what the spoiler policy in this fandom in general is when it comes to premium access. From what I’ve seen, Youtubers usually wait a week before uploading their reaction videos, which I appreciate – but here on tumblr almost no one seems to hold back. I saw a spoiler for “Creation” before it was released publicly. The day episode 13 was released for premium access, I had to unfollow people for posting untagged spoilers for it. And when I went into a RWBY-related tag for one second, I saw a really big spoiler that put me in a very sour mood because it also happened to be very aggressively worded against fans of a certain character (basically, along the lines of “I’m glad X bad thing happened to Y character because I hate them and their fans”). So, that scared the shit out of me and I ended up looking up more specific spoilers about what exactly happened because I wouldn’t have been able to sleep otherwise. So, from what I’ve seen, this fandom’s spoiler policy is just “fuck anyone who doesn’t have premium access” 😒. Always nice to see people being so considerate.

With that said, let’s get into my thoughts on episodes 8-12. Under the cut, because unlike some people, I try to be considerate of others who might want to avoid spoilers.

- So, the Hound really was a person. Specifically, a person with silver eyes and that’s probably what happened to Summer. THANKS, I HATE IT. This is exactly what I feared it would be and what I didn’t want it to be. (I don’t want Ruby and Yang to have to fight and kill their grimm-ified mom, that’s too sad, okay?)

- I love that Whitley really came through and came up with a plan for evacuating everyone! He’s a good bean after all! And that he managed to press that button on the computer before running from the Hound? Amazing.

- Willow Schnee being one hell of a mama bear and summoning a thing to protect Whitley was epic. She was so close to breaking down before that, but then her child was in danger and she just jumped into action right away. Protective mom instincts ftw!

- Blake’s talk about how she looks up to Ruby and how she herself lost the youthful optimism Ruby still has was SO sweet! (Also, Ladybug is an underrated ship/friendship and I really don’t get why people say they never interact? Have you all just forgotten volume 1 and how Bumbleby’s first meeting happened because Yang was trying to wingman Ruby who was trying to befriend Blake??)

- Penny fighting the virus from the inside was amazing, she did so well! I also loved seeing Nora encourage her (and echo Blake’s earlier words back to her).

- Unrelated to these episodes specifically, but I tried to think about who my favourite RWBY charactes even are right now, and I find it super hard to narrow down because I love so many of them, but if I tried to somewhat narrow it down, then (in no specific order because don’t ask me to also come up with an order): all of Team RWBY (though Blake is a personal favourite), Ilia, Penny, Salem, Cinder. (But then again, I also love Winter and Qrow and Robyn and... you get it, it’s hard to narrow down. Oh, and of course Pyrrha, but... you know.)

- “Witch” was honestly my favourite episode of the bunch. That one was just so full of epic stuff. (And now I’m wondering if Salem being one of my favourite characters has anything to do with my love for witches. I used to be obsessed with witches as a kid. In every story I read that had a witch, the witch was always my favourite character.)

- Yang and her team sure found a way inside that whale fast! Also, really handy that Ren’s semblance evolved just in time for when they needed it. But hey, I don’t want to complain about convenient plot stuff too much. Sometimes the heroes are allowed to have a little bit of good luck.

- Hazel listening to Oscar and deciding to get both him AND Emerald out of there was amazing! He really does have a soft spot for kids and wasn’t kidding about not wanting more kids to die – we love to see it! I also think it makes for an interesting parallel that Hazel decided to do this right as Ironwood was sending students to fight on the front lines and Marrow was calling it out.

- I really liked Ren telling Yang she doesn’t have to hide her fear behind jokes. Ren being able to see emotions is going to bring about so many more good moments, I just know it!

- Emerald and “Hazel’s” talk with Salem gets so much better when you know “Hazel” is actually Oscar – Emerald has gotten so much better at illusions and fooled Salem herself! That’s impressive!

- It’s really practical that Ren could sense Emerald’s fear. But also, the group really didn’t have the time to discuss if Emerald was trustworthy – they needed to get out of there asap.

- The way Salem spits out the word “semblance” when she talks to Emerald shows again that she not only underestimates these “new humans” and their powers, but also considers them inferior. It’s a nice little detail how just her tone when she says that word says so much about her worldview.

- Yang straight-up running up to Salem and blowing her up was epic. It didn’t last of course, but it was still a super bold and epic move. I’ve talked before about how cool Yang is and she just keeps getting cooler.

- Yang calling Salem out was amazing and epic, too! And when she referred to Summer Rose as “my mom” that made me tear up just a bit 😢. (I really don’t like Salem’s smile when she says “her again”, though. I don’t want grimm-ified Summer, I really don’t want it, okay? keep it far away from me where I won’t have to see it.)

- I’m a bit sad about Hazel’s death, but it was a really fitting end for his character and a really cool way to go out. The way he looked at all of those kids in danger (proving again that that’s what it’s about for him), whispered “No more Gretchens” to Oscar, punched Salem in the face as she was about to hurt Emerald, injected all of those crystals into his skin (which looked epic, by the way), told Emerald to go, fought an epic fight against Salem and then grabbed her and set himself and her on fire, burning her like a witch – it was epic stuff! RIP Hazel, you died as a hero and went out in an incredibly epic way!

- Hazel’s sacrifice must have been super tough on Emerald. He died protecting her (and JOYR) and it worked. She got away from Salem, but only because someone else, a friend, died for her. Not only must it be awful for her to lose Hazel, she probably also blames herself. (And, as I’ve seen others point out, it was probably the first time in her life an adult did something to protect her. Wow. Someone get this girl therapy, please.)

- The whale getting blown up was an absolutely epic moment. From the music to the cinematography, I loved everything about it. (That said, I will miss the whale. RIP coolest villain lair ever.)

- I loved Watts’ speech to Cinder – and I’m saying this as someone who became a huge fan of Cinder this volume. I love her, but I also love roasting her, and a lot of what Watts said was stuff she desperately needed to hear. I honestly didn’t even like Watts before that moment, but that speech might have made me like him just a tiny bit. The way he just laughed when she dangled him from a building, the way he spelled it out for her that her methods haven’t been working and threw her failures in her face, the ending with calling her “a bloody migraine” – Like I said, I’m a fan of Cinder, but that was glorious and cathartic and beautiful to witness. But what makes it really perfect is Cinder’s reaction: The fact that you’d expect her to kill him or at least scream at him, but instead she spares him and just sits down and cries. I really love what they’ve been doing with Cinder this volume and that they’re finally showing her as someone way deeper than just a power-hungry villain.

- In general, let me quickly talk about Cinder, because even without having seen the last two episodes I can already tell you that she’s my standout character / favourite character of the season. (It was Ilia for Volume 5, Salem for Volume 6, Penny for Volume 7 – and now it’s Cinder.) I said back in my post about Volume 5 that I wish they’d do more with her because after becoming rather interesting in Volume 4 they just went back to making her a pretty flat villain – and I officially have to eat my words and apologize to RoosterTeeth right now! This volume proved to me that they know what they’re doing with Cinder and explained so much about her. I’m sorry for ever doubting the writing. I now want to go back and rewatch the whole show while paying more attention to Cinder and I can’t wait to see where her arc goes from here (yes, I want an eventual redemption, and what about it?). This volume is obviously setting up something big for her – I just have no idea what it is. And at the end of the day, she’s still the Maiden of Choice. She’s the key to the Beacon relic, and that’s going to become important eventually.

- Oh, and can I mention, just by the way, that I think Cinder looks amazing? I don’t understand all the people who say they miss her red outfits when this is clearly her best look yet. The black eyepatch, the cape, the earrings, the short hair, the high boots, the shorts instead of a dress, all the black – this is her absolute best look, period.

- I’ve also noticed that the scene between her and Watts is the first time Cinder has referred to Penny by name. She’s always referred to her with phrases like “some toy” or “Polendina’s creation” before, but this time she just called her “Penny Polendina”, then “Penny” again, and asked Watts how she’s supposed to take Penny’s power “if she’s dead” (not “destroyed”, which is what Watts said, but “dead” – something you say about a person, not a machine). I think somewhere down the line, Cinder has started to see Penny as a person and respect her as the Winter Maiden. Maybe it’s because of how Penny won the fight at Amity, or maybe (though this might be wishful thinking on my part) it’s because Penny questioned why Cinder serves Salem and showed her and Emerald mercy.

- Also, side-note: While I loved Watts’ speech, it sure is bold of him to call Cinder entitled when his own villain origin story is getting overlooked for a science project.

- Neo is an amazing little troll and I love her. From stealing the lamp and skipping along the ruins of the whale happily to those texts to Cinder, all of her moments were brilliant and hilarious.

- Some characters not just forgiving Emerald is totally fair and realistic. But, as I said before (and as Oscar also points out), they don’t have to. People think a “redemption” – or let’s just call it switching sides instead of using such a loaded term – has to include everyone’s forgiveness, but it doesn’t. If Yang and Jaune never want to personally forgive Emerald, that’s okay. They don’t need to forgive her to recognize that she’s changed and work with her. And, as Oscar and Ren point out, Emerald’s abilities would be very useful to have on their side. So, personal feelings are fine and all, but right now they don’t have the luxury to dismiss a potentially very useful ally. (And same for Oz, by the way. It’s fine if they’re still mad at him, but they also need his help.)

- Also, have I already said that I’m very happy for Emerald? Because I’m very happy for Emerald for getting out of there! (Mercury’s and then Cinder’s redemption next, please!)

- F*ck Harriet for trying to get Winter in trouble for letting JYR go. I’m hating her more every second. And then she seriously said “Who cares?” about Ironwood’s plan to nuke Mantle? She’s the most unlikable of them all.

- Everyone’s reunions were so sweet! I loved Ruby and Yang hugging 😭. And Yang cupping Blake’s cheek and their forehead touch had me all 🥰 🥰 🥰.

- After he threatened to nuke Mantle, I hope we can all agree that Ironwood is a straight-up villain now. The most infuriating part is that he didn’t even have to do anything! Whitley and Weiss had figured out a way to save everyone in Mantle and the SDC ships to evacuate people were already there. All Ironwood had to do was let them evacuate everyone to Atlas, and then Penny would have opened the vault willingly and Ironwood could have used the staff to raise Atlas as planned. Problem solved! He should have just sat there and ate his food – but he was so pissed about things not going his way (or maybe he just genuinely hates Mantle that much) that he thought sabotaging the rescue plan and threatening genocide was a better option.

- I loved Marrow’s arc in these episodes and how you could tell more and more that his conscience was making him turn against Ironwood. First he questioned Winter when she was going to nuke the whale before JOYR were back, then he seemed shocked when he thought they were dead, then he tried to talk sense into the other Ace Ops after Ironwood’s ultimatum, and then he straight-up called out Ironwood himself. That last one was dangerous though, and he was lucky Winter was quick enough to jump in and pretend to arrest him, because Ironwood was going to just shoot him in the back.

- Speaking of, I wonder how long Winter has been planning to double-cross Ironwood. How long was she already disagreeing with him, but waiting for the right moment to make a move? Either way, I’m glad she was there to save Marrow.

- The Renora confession scene was so sweet and got me a little choked up 😢. I’m glad they sorted out their issues and told each other how they feel. But like I said before, I think Nora’s arc of trying to find out who she is without Ren is really good and important and Ren respecting that was really good and important as well. It was just a very wholesome scene. Also, I like that we got a little bit more backstory for Nora (her mom abandoned her? that’s awful), and Jaune awkwardly leaving the room was hilarious.

- Robyn telling Qrow he’s a better Huntsman than Clover because he chose to do the right thing was a really important moment for Qrow, imo. (And just a side-note: I’m sure most Fair Game shippers are pretty chill – and I’m a strong believer in ‘ship and let ship’ – but a certain subset of them is starting to get on my nerves with how they ignore Clover’s canon character and story (acting like he would have rebelled against Ironwood if he were alive as if the whole reason he’s dead wasn’t precisely because he cared more about Ironwood’s orders than doing the right thing) and how they make every new plot point about their ship somehow (Oscar’s semblance? Better be a time-travel thing so Clover can come back. Staff of Creation? Better be able to bring people back from the dead so Clover can come back.) It’s so annoying.)

- Yang and Ruby’s talk about their mom was really intense. Ruby’s been holding all of these feelings in for so long, so seeing her say out loud what we’re all fearing (that Summer was turned into a Grimm) and seeing both her and Yang break down over it – that was a lot. I loved seeing Yang comfort Ruby and tell her that her plan for Amity wasn’t useless. Their sisterly bond is so sweet.

- Penny asking Ruby to kill her was another really intense moment. The look on Ruby’s face in that moment really said it all. Ruby has been through so much, has lost Penny before, so hearing that request – even though they fortunately didn’t have to go through with it – must have still been a lot for her.

- I really loved Emerald’s cute “newly reformed villain” moments. (“You guys have been getting your asses kicked… some of that my fault” & “I’m just going to be super pissed if you all finally decide to give up the moment I switch sides.”) I’ve said before (in my She-Ra posts) that my favourite part of any redemption arc is the “former enemies, now awkward around each other” stuff, so this was right up my alley!

- “The girl who fell through the world” was referenced twice now. Between that, the image of everyone falling in the opening, and the lyrics “sometimes it’s worth it all to risk the fall”, I’m going to predict that someone – most likely all of Team RWBY – will fall into that void and potentially end up in a different world.

- The group’s plan to defeat Ironwood, stop the bomb, and get to the vault was amazing all-around. I love the parts Emerald and Winter got to play in it, I love how we saw the plan’s execution before seeing how they came up with it and I love how everyone got to help, even the Schnees and Klein. I also love that the hole Oscar blasted through the ground of Atlas became relevant again.

- The design of the vault and the door are really nice and now I wonder what the other two are going to look like.

- Saving Penny like that was super risky, but they really were out of options. Just the fact that Ruby had to be quick enough to use her semblance and get to the staff before the virus kills Penny… jeesh, that was close.

- Ambrosius is a super fun character! I love that he looked at Penny and said “I’d love to meet whoever did this.” Also, the staff seems more useful than the lamp. The lamp only lets you ask three questions per century, while the staff can be used as often as you want – as long as you’re okay with whatever it previously created disappearing.

- I honestly still don’t completely understand what Penny is now. Is she meant to be human now? Or is she just a being made up of pure aura? How does this work? Ambrosius only created the copy that destroyed herself, so what’s left is Penny’s aura – but she somehow also has a body now? I guess we’ll find out more about what exactly this means later.

- Also, while I wasn’t sure how I feel about this decision re:Penny at first, now that I’ve thought about it for a bit, I think it works. It fits with the Pinocchio story, and I like that they didn’t phrase it as “she’s a real girl now”, but as “this is the girl who’s been in there all along”. Also, Penny saying “wow” after hugging Ruby and then going on a hugging spree was adorable.

- Watching “herself” self-terminate must have been really traumatic, though. Even if that copy was just a robot, it was still a disturbing scene.

- Who shut down communications in the middle of Jaune’s broadcast? I’m assuming it was Cinder, Watts and Neo.

- The whole dimension with the doorways that Ambrosius created looks amazing. (A while before watching this episode, I wondered if Raven could theoretically save Atlas by getting everyone to safety with her portals. It might not have been Raven, but I’m glad I was at least onto something.)

- “Do not fall.” So, about that… they’re all falling in the opening, (and we referenced “the girl who fell through the world” twice now), so I don’t have a good feeling about that. Also, Watts has been dangled from somewhere high twice now, so the third time has to be when he actually falls down.

- And Cinder is there to ruin the plan because of course she is.

[mikauzoran]

Adrienette: Serendipity: Fifty Marichat and Adrienette Kisses: Kiss Eight

Serendipity: Fifty Marichat and Adrienette Kisses: …in secrecy.

(I forgot to post this on Tumblr too when I uploaded it to AO3 on Thursday. ^.^; Sorry!)

“Oeuf,” Adrien grunted as Marinette pushed him roughly up against the wall of the school utility closet, nearly knocking an industrial-size roll of paper towels down on them.

Marinette pulled back just enough to whispered, “You’re sure no one comes in here?” against his lips.

“Positive,” he assured breathily, even though it seemed a little late for her to be asking fifteen minutes in. “It makes a good hiding spot for akuma attacks.” No one had walked in on him transforming yet, and he’d been using the closet periodically over the past three years.

“Okay.” She gulped and started to take her shirt off.

“Whoa!” Adrien’s hands flew out to stop her.

This was not how he first wanted to see his girlfriend in negligée.

Marinette blinked in confusion before her expression quickly evaporated into hurt.

Adrien rushed to explain himself. “Sorry. It’s just…there’s only fifteen minutes left before lunch ends, and I don’t think we have time for…whatever it is you had in mind.”

Marinette’s bottom lip jutted out in a pout. “I want…”

She looked away, shaking her head as she took a step back. “Never mind.”

He advanced a pace, catching her hand. “No. Tell me. Please?” He tipped up her chin with a finger.

She gave him a shy look. “I want…you to kiss me.” She bit her lip and brought his hand up to touch her neck. “Here.” Slowly, she guided his hand down along the curve of her collarbone, down between her breasts, down past her bellybutton, stopping at the top of her jeans.

Adrien gulped. “O-Oh. I…”

She searched his face, anxiously awaiting his response.

“Marinette…” he answered carefully, “I don’t think I’m ready for something like that at this point in our relationship.”

“Right.” She pulled away, avoiding his gaze. “Sorry for jumping the gun.”

Mentally, Adrien cursed at himself for accidentally hurting her.

“Marinette,” he tried again, taking her by the shoulders so she’d have to look at him and see how earnest he was. “Ohime-sama…you are so hot, and I would be delighted to see you topless someday, but not in a utilities closet, okay?”

Finally, she looked at him and smiled tentatively. “Really? You really think so?”

“Yes,” Adrien laughed at the fact that she could ever doubt it. “Yes to all of the above.”

She started to laugh softly too, leaning in for a quick smooch. “Okay. That’s okay, then.”

“Good,” he hummed contentedly, gazing at her lovingly as his thumb stroked her cheek. “So…I’m free this Saturday. Would you want to meet up for lunch and maybe check out that exhibition at the Grand Palais on eighteenth and nineteenth century French and English dresses? And maybe then go for a walk in the Jardin des Tuileries?”

As he spoke, with each phrase, Marinette’s face descended a little bit more into a frown.

“Adrien,” she sighed, stepping back as far as the small closet would allow her.

There was only about a meter between them, but Adrien felt every centimeter of it. His face fell as he realized he was never going to get a real date with her.

“I have a boyfriend,” she reminded needlessly.

He felt ready to scream. He wanted to shake her and shout, “I am your boyfriend! Now, let’s go on a date for the love of God!”

Instead, he crossed his arms and looked away, muttering sullenly, “Yeah, a boyfriend you can’t go out in public with.”

“What was that?” She frowned suspiciously.

He shook his head. “Nothing. Sorry.”

“No. What did you say?” she insisted, hands going to her hips.

“Just…” He swallowed. “That… What use is a boyfriend you can’t go out in public with?”

Her face lost all color. “How do you know that I can’t go out in public with my boyfriend?”

Internally, Adrien cursed up and down the Greek pantheon. “Uh…I…”

“How did you find out? Did he tell you?!” she demanded, cheeks rapidly going from red to white in a fluctuation of fury and fear.

Adrien groaned, giving up any hope he’d had of getting out of this. “No. He didn’t tell me. I…I figured it out…sort of.”

Her eyes narrowed, looking dangerous and dark and almost navy blue in the dim closet. “You figured it out? How?”

Adrien shrugged. “Look. He told you before that he knew me, right? That we’re friends?”

Her pupils shrank to pinpricks as her skin blanched again. “Oh my gosh. Do you know his identity?!” she squeaked.

“No!” Adrien lied. “He…He visits me like he visits you. He showed up at my window one night to check on me. After my father was akumatized,” Adrien invented. “He just kept coming back after that, and we became friends. We’re really similar. Similar background. Similar mommy and daddy issues. We play video games and talk. He helps me sneak out sometimes.” Adrien shrugged again, avoiding her eyes as he lied his way through calming her down. “He got a girlfriend around the same time you told me you’d gotten a boyfriend, and…I don’t know. Things just lined up, so I asked if he was dating you, and he said yes, so…don’t be angry. No one else knows.”

Gradually, she began to nod, her panic receding…until it spiked once more, causing her to gasp in terror. “He doesn’t know about us, does he?!”

“God, no!” Adrien scoffed. “I am taking this secret to my grave.”

Marinette slumped back up against the opposite wall of the closet. “Okay. Okay. Good.”

Adrien groaned, carding a hand roughly through his hair. “…Don’t you get sick of it?”

“Hm?” Her head tipped to the side.

“Having a boyfriend you can’t actually go on a real date with,” he clarified miserably. “Isn’t that frustrating?”

Marinette thought about it for a minute before shrugging one shoulder indifferently. “I mean…I’d like to go on dates like normal couples. That would be nice, but…no. I don’t really mind it that we can’t right now.”

He gawked at her incredulously. “You don’t mind that you can’t actually date your boyfriend?”

She rolled her eyes and waved him away. “It’s not like that. We are dating. I see him most nights of the week. We spend plenty of time together. True, we can’t really leave the house, but there’s plenty to do at home.”

A soft, content look washed across her face as she explained, “I used to daydream about romantic dates when I was younger, but now that I’m actually in a relationship, I realize that all of that isn’t really important. Just spending time with him is enough. We don’t have to do anything special. I’m happy so long as I’m with him.”

The bottom dropped out of Adrien’s stomach right in the middle of it trying to twist itself into knots.

“Oh,” he replied eruditely. “That’s…good.”

Good for her, maybe, but it didn’t help him. In fact, it made him suspect that there might be something wrong because Adrien was definitely not happy with the way things were. Chat Noir had been dating Marinette for several months now, and Adrien was just dying to go somewhere with her. Even getting coffee would be good, but he needed something. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy the time they spent at her house. He really, really did, but…he felt like something was missing.

“…Are you sure we can’t hang out on Saturday?” he pleaded in a small, pathetic voice.

“Adrien,” she groaned.

“Just as friends,” he quickly amended.

“That isn’t a good idea.” She tried to let him down gently.

“Marinette, friends can get lunch and go to exhibitions together,” he argued, beyond desperate. “We’ve hardly spent any time hanging out the past month. Come on. Please? We’re still friends, aren’t we?”

“Adrien,” she sighed, sounding exhausted.

“Aren’t we?” he challenged. “Come on, Marinette. I shouldn’t have to beg you to hang out with me, especially when I know you really do want to check out that dress exhibit. What?” he snapped. “I’m good enough to snog in a janitor’s closet, but you don’t necessarily want to spend time with me otherwise?”

“Adrien,” she chastised, glaring.

He refused to back down. “Don’t ‘Adrien’ me. What am I supposed to think when you’d rather I take your shirt off than take you out to lunch?”

She opened her mouth, but he cut her off.

“—You don’t get it,” he accused. “My whole life people have only wanted me for my looks, my money, or my influence, Marinette. It’s only gotten worse the older I’ve gotten.” He looked away, the fight in his voice replaced by hurt and shame. “The past year and a half, it feels like the media’s been counting down until I’m ‘legal’…. It feels like everyone’s only interested in me for my body…so I’m sorry if I’m a little touchy about you only wanting to be alone with me lately if we’re making out.”

She didn’t reply right away, and he tried to tell himself he was being silly and paranoid, that the reason she was cutting Adrien out of her life was that she didn’t want to be tempted to cheat on Chat Noir.

Adrien was really good at being paranoid.

But then she took his hand, threading her fingers through his as she brought the back of his palm up to her lips.

“I’m so sorry, Beau Gosse,” she whispered against his skin, looking up at him with glistening, wet eyes. “I’m not being fair to you. I’m being a really crumby friend, aren’t I?”

He shook his head, even though she was right.

“We need to stop this,” she said for what was probably the ninety-second time. “What we’re doing isn’t healthy. It’s tearing us apart. We need to stop.”

He didn’t disagree. If she would just let him tell her his identity, there wouldn’t be a problem, but…

“The reason we can’t be alone together is because every time we are, we end up making out,” she tried to straighten out the misunderstanding. “I would love to spend time with you just as friends, Adrien, but we don’t seem to be able to do that at this point.”

“What if we get someone else to come with us on Saturday?” he suggested, willing to compromise so long as it meant he got to spend time with her outside the confines of the Dupain-Cheng abode. “You know. A chaperone?”

Marinette bit her lip, leaning back so that their hands were joined only loosely. “…I suppose that could work.”

“Perfect!” Adrien cheered, mood lightening instantly. “I’ll ask Nino next period. You ask Alya.”

Marinette grimaced. “Adrien…that’s like going on a double date.”

“Fine,” Adrien sighed. “How about…Juleka and Rose? Juleka’s into fashion. She’d probably enjoy the exhibit.”

Marinette rolled her eyes. “You know Juleka and Rose are a couple.”

Adrien pursed his lips. “Okay. Fine. How about Juleka and Rose and Mylène and Ivan. I doubt we’ll get up to anything with that many other people around.”

“What? So we can have a triple date instead of a double date?” she snorted.

Adrien groaned, pulling his hand away from her so that he could slide down the wall to the floor and cradle his head in both of his hands. “You are killing me. Don’t we have any single friends? I don’t care, Marinette. Let’s just invite the whole class. If that’s what I have to do to get a date with you, I’ll do it. I’ll buy the whole class lunch and tickets to the exhibit. I don’t care,” he moaned miserably.

“Adrien…” Marinette sighed, sinking to the floor across from him, her feet right beside his in the cramped space. “Oh, Adrien.” Her voice was full of pity. “I’m so sorry I’m doing this to you.”

“You’d better be,” he pouted half-heartedly, reiterating, “You’re killing me, Marinette. I am so romantically frustrated right now I am going insane. I have needs,” he whimpered, “and I can’t take it anymore.”

Marinette blinked at him, wide-eyed. “O-Oh. I’m sorry. I thought… You said you weren’t ready to do anything like that at this point in our relationship, so I thought…” She frowned in confusion. “But…you want to have sex?”

Adrien’s mouth dropped open, and his eyes nearly flew out of their sockets. “What?! No! That’s not what I meant! I don’t want—” He abruptly cut himself off, looking at the floor and trying to get his blush under control.

He took a deep breath. “Okay. I mean… Yes, I’ve thought about making love to you before, and, if it’s something you want, I’d be willing to explore that possibility eventually, but…not right now. Not how things are now. I don’t…”

He bit his lip and looked back up, forcing himself to meet her gaze, even though this conversation was mortifying. He knew he had to be honest with her. “Look. I’m not opposed to sex, but it’s not really up there on my list of must-haves either, okay? I definitely am not interested in sex without a relationship to go with it. I don’t want to actually be friends with benefits with you. The thought horrifies me.”

He shut his eyes and shook his head. “The fact that we sneak away to make out in closets horrifies me, if we’re being honest. I never meant for things to turn out like this.”

“So…what do you want,” Marinette prompted gently, trying her very best to follow.

Slowly, he inhaled and then let the breath out. “When I said I had needs, I meant things like going for walks holding hands and buying each other Valentine’s Day presents and celebrating obscure anniversaries like the first time we went ice skating or the first time we ate ice cream together,” he explained, hoping he didn’t sound ridiculous to her. It was apparent already that they required vastly different things out of a relationship. “I want you to come to fashion events and benefit galas as my date. I want to wear the things you make and be able to say, ‘my girlfriend made this’. I want to be able to tell people I’m in a relationship…that I’m in a relationship with you. I want to be able to show you off, Marinette. I want to be your boyfriend officially. I want this to feel legitimate.”

Marinette let her head drop to the tops of her knees as she forced herself to process everything he’d flung at her. It took a minute, but she finally gathered the words she needed to answer.

“Adrien, unless things don’t work out with Chat Noir, that can’t happen,” she replied patiently, trying to be gentle. “I already have a boyfriend.”

He deflated, curling in on himself with a soft groan.

“What we can do, though,” she hurriedly continued, “is spend more time together as friends. We can hang out as friends. I can come with you to events as your friend. You’re right. I have been neglecting our friendship lately, and I’m sorry. We’ll try to fix it. If we work together, we can make this work again. You’re a really precious friend to me, Adrien, and I don’t want to lose that with you.”

He sucked in a deep breath, straightened up, and nodded. “Okay,” he agreed. “All right. That…That’s just going to have to be enough. Thank you, Marinette. I appreciate you putting up with me.” Tired though he was, he summoned up enough energy for a roguish smile.

She tapped her foot against his. “I like ‘putting up’ with you,” she snorted, using air quotes. “It’s one of my favourite things to do.”

His smile softened, and he nodded. “You know, you actually make me believe it.”

“Because it’s true,” she chuckled, pushing herself up to her feet as the five-minute warning bell signaling the end of lunch rang. She held out her hand to help him up, and he took it happily.

“Hey. Ask Chloé to come with us on Saturday,” Marinette instructed. “I’ll ask Alya, and we’ll all go as just friends, okay?”

“You’re the best,” Adrien sighed, leaning in to catch her lips in one last secret kiss before they had to go back to reality.

[pxjiminsi]

Prettiest Smile

Chapter 2 from the Series : Before you go

Synopsis: Wanting to escape the unending criticism from your peers and parents about your life choices, you flew to L.A to figure out your life. On the same flight, you encounter an early debut, full of dreams, Bangtan Sonyeondan. Not knowing that that encounter will change your life forever.

Pairing: Jimin x reader, Taehyung x reader, Jin x OC, OT5 x reader platonic love

Fic Type: Slice of life au

Word count: 1.6k

Genre: slice of life, fluff, mild smut, and a healthy amount of angst

Warning: few cuss words 

A/n: Hi! This will be my first BTS Au in tumblr, I’ll be also uploading my old works here! Friendly comments and criticism from my fellow writers and readers as I want to improve my writing further on. I hope you enjoy my series.

Updates are every week, or as fast as I can!!

“We have the whole house to ourselves for the week, so feel at home!” Soo Yun exclaimed as she threw you a water bottle from the kitchen, dehydrated from that 45-minute drive from LAX to her home. “We have so much to catch up on, how’re your parents? Thank God they let you go on this trip huh? How’s Jae? You’re already what? A year in a relationship?” Her questions were non-stop and as much as you missed her after so long, you’re not that excited to answer all those questions as the main reason you went to L.A is to get away from them and your life in Korea as far as possible.

“They’re all great.” holding a tight grip on your bag and with a smile on your face to avoid answering her bombarding question of how your life has gone downhill since you entered University. “I’m jet-lagged and I’d like to take a nap before we go out for lunch, can you show me where I'd stay?” “It���s upstairs, first door on your left! I’m going to take a shower, but call me if you need anything.” Soo Yun said as you disappeared carrying your luggage up the stairs. You plop in your bed sighing, finally realizing that you’re going to start your new life in this foreign country and no one’s going to help you but yourself. You doze off wondering when your life will begin.

“Y/n, y/n!” Soo Yun nudged until you half-opened your eyes “Your phone’s ringing non-stop! How can you sleep through that noise?” Still disoriented, you answer your phone “Hi please tell me you have my bag” You get confused if you’re still dreaming and wonder why someone is looking for their bag when you’re asleep the whole time. “Hello?? My group went back to the airport because I think we switched luggage. Mine’s in neon pink, please tell me you have it?” You almost fell out of bed and rushed to see the tag on your bag, “Kim Seokjin?” you whispered out of confusion. “Yes, that’s me, and you’re y/n, right? Can we meet to exchange luggage? We can meet somewhere public, I'm not a bad person, I promise I just need to get my stuff back” you can hear his desperation in his tone, but he snickered when he heard you groaning your brains to your pillow from your stupidity back in the airport.

“Yes, of course, I need my stuff back too. We can meet at Shake shack in Hollywood blvd. I’ll be there in 30 mins.” impulsively suggesting as you’ve been craving burgers since you saw shake shack on your way here and Soo Yun’s planning to get lunch anyway. Hearing this Kim Seokjin’s angelic voice, maybe it’s safe to meet him. “What will you be wearing?” he asked, but you bet he didn’t think his question through “I mean of course to recognize you, I didn't mean anything bad with that, I'm sorry” he panics. How cute. “I don’t think it matters because of our matching bright neon pink bags, we might go blind if we see each other” you sarcastically said, being equally embarrassed with your bright luggage. You heard his laugh and you immediately softened. “Okay, see you in 30 mins.”

You run to the bathroom to wash your puffy face from your 2-hour nap, put light make-up on, and brush your hair. “Wow, first day in L.A and I'm going to get kidnapped… by a man who loves neon pink” questioning his taste while putting on your oversized black denim jacket with your white crop top and high-waisted shorts. First of all, you didn’t have a say when your parents bought that luggage in a sale at the mall and that’s the only luggage you have big enough to bring almost all your life away from Korea. “Soo Yun, I’m ready, let's go.”

It's been 10 minutes since you and Soo Yun arrived at shake shack, almost wanting to switch restaurants for their unbelievably overpriced burgers and fries. You glance at your friend and she seems to not be bothered by it. Maybe after 5 years of being in the states, capitalism will take over you. Succumbing to your growling tummy, you order the cheapest burger and fries meal. You devour your fries like there is no tomorrow while you almost choke on your coke at the sight of Park Jimin entering the restaurant together with Jeongguk and their friend whom you’re not familiar with, dragging your bag.

Jeongguk saw you and pointed in your direction. Your heart almost dropped at the sight of Jimin, thinking that you had seen the last of him in that plane and you’d just see him reach his dreams on television. A huge smile appeared on his face when he saw you, almost sprinting to get to your table with Jeongguk behind him. “It’s only been a few hours you missed me that much huh?” He looks at you then proceeds to wave his hands to the roaming eyes of his friend. The fact that you’re happy to see him again was written all across your face, but you tried your best not to show it as it may stir feelings inside you and confuse Soo Yun. She’s already baffled at why you’re already friends with people, good-looking people you may add, you mismatched bags with. You gave her an I’ll explain it to you later look as she nodded bewildered and continued with her food.

“Jin-hyung, I found the culprit.” Pointing at you while seating at the empty seat in front. Seeing that you made this man who looks like an angel, by the way, struggle with your luggage made you feel sheepish. “Finally we meet. I'm sorry for the hassle I have caused you. I’m Kim Seokjin” He brushed his hair up while catching his breath. “No, I'm sorry, I should've paid attention that I took the wrong bag at the airport.” you try to avoid Jimin’s stare as you pull your luggage to your side switching with Jin’s “I’m y/n and my friend, Soo Yin” you both held your hands as he reached for them to shake. 

“What’s in that bag anyway? It’s so heavy.” Jeongguk asked, taking a fry in your tray and popping it in his mouth. You falter at his question, uh my whole life in Korea is in that bag and I don’t intend on coming back if I can. “Just a lot of clothes.” You shrugged focusing on the cars passing by outside. Jimin sensed that Jeongguk’s question made you uncomfortable. “Let’s go now, everyone’s waiting in the car” he gets up as Jin and Jeongguk said and waved goodbye to you and Soo Yin. “Good luck with your training, I’ll make sure to watch your videos on the internet” Soo Yin stood up waving at Jin and Jeongguk looking so mesmerized by the two. They waved back for the last time before disappearing outside. “Can I talk to you for a sec?” Jimin held his hand but you just nodded overlooking his help and signed at your friend that you’ll just be gone for a minute.

“I didn’t know I'd get the chance to see you again,” he said almost whispering. You’re not looking at him so you can’t tell, but you can hear the nervousness in his voice “Well, I think you knew we’d see each other again because you didn’t tell Jin that we knew each other and that I got his bag by mistake.” calling his bullshit as you take a peek seeing a smirk forming in his lips knowing he’s enjoying this. “Okay, okay” he held both of his hands up surrendering to you, slightly laughing. “But this feels like fate, don't you think so? I would very much like to have your number. I’d get it from your suitcase or Jin-hyung but it doesn’t feel very gentlemanly if I did that without your permission.” You look up to him this time. Giving you a glimpse of his sincerity and timidity you didn’t see before.

You debate to yourself whether to give in because it’s him. For the first time in a very long time, your heart fluttered again. You laughed again. You didn’t sleep tired from crying. For the first time, someone listened to you without pity. You felt like yourself again. He made all that happen in just a few hours. You began to ponder if you do believe in fate. Is this what fate feels like?

Thinking about all the possibilities, but you already had an answer in your mind.

“No, I have a boyfriend back home.” What you said is true, but why does your heart feel like it’s breaking. You see the way his face twitches, feeling guilty if he feels like you lead him on. “Oh, I didn’t know, I’m sorry.” sounding like a wounded puppy, you endure the temptation to pull him closer and hug him after hearing his tone. “I have to go, they’re waiting for me in the car.” For the first time, it’s him avoiding your eyes. He turned around and started to walk. You don’t say anything. You don’t have to, you just stare at his back wondering if you made the right decision. He stopped walking and turned to meet your gaze “You know, your boyfriend is very lucky to have you. Please support us in the future” He smiles the prettiest of smiles, then he’s gone.

[everything-withered]

Aperture, an Ichiruki fic

For @darisu-chan​‘s prompt below, special thanks to @aesthetic-virgo​ for helping me find it because tumblr hates me.

 The shot is beautiful. Goes without saying. Ichigo's always had an eye for beautiful things, and as a photographer, it's practically a requirement of the job.

But his latest Instagram post has the industry abuzz for reasons that have as much to do with his year-long hiatus as it does the subject of the image itself.

It's a pair of legs; one crossed over the other, set in a slant of lazy nonchalance; toes pointed as if the model were mid-stretch. There's a slash of pale skin, raised higher in the frame implying movement of the upper body, the hint of a chin catching in the shadow as if tilted in challenge, or offering.

It's the absence of, that attracts attention.

There's no face to attach the model to, shrouded as she is in darkness, but it's provocative nonetheless; ripe with secrecy and innuendo, captured in perfect contrast of shadow and light.

The consensus is her beauty, her mystery, the untouchable allure of her.

There's no looking away. Ichigo agrees.

More pictures are posted, bit by bit. And the quality and stylistic choice of the images are the same.

Like breadcrumbs, Ichigo unveils who they agree must be his muse, in snapshots of similar, potent and frustratingly teasing photos.

Whoever she is, there's something otherworldly about her.

There are delicate pale hands clutching flannel sheets under the watercolor softness of the dawn, the retreating night hiding the softness of her forearms before tendrils of dark hair and a pale forehead graze the bottom of the frame like the trailing fingers of a caress.

In another, there's that same spill of dark hair, a pale temple from that same forehead, a sharp, cleverly arched brow with wrinkles at an eye they haven't been graced to meet yet; against an overexposed wall. The sun, like a spotlight, is merciless and harsh, but the dimple at her cheek is more amused rather than afraid.

They start to think that if Ichigo doesn't love her yet, he will.

Washed out in honeyed yellow light is her legs once more. One of them is hooked over the arm of a chair, a black pump dangling from the toes while the other foot is propped up, shoeless, against it. Her knee just kissing at her chest before it's interrupted by another strategic glare of darkness. It's the same casual sort of stretch; automatic, unthinking, intimate.

There's a suspicion that the shots have been made to look that way, that the intention had been to convey snatches of a romance, dreamlike and fleeting; that Ichigo's model is just a foil for a muse in a metaphor of voyeuristic suggestion.

But he's made use of the dark to so carefully shelter her from his gaze even as the little she bares tantalizes him for moremoremore that they second guess it all together.

Perhaps that's why he's holding back. Ichigo's letting them see what he sees begrudgingly, an idea made more clear at the announcement of his next photo gallery.

He hasn't replied to any of the comments that have bombarded each post with questions in the three months since it all began which isn't surprising given that every image thus far had been devoid of captions, explanatory or otherwise.

A management made post changes that to announce that Ichigo's next photo gallery show is called Lover, and the accompanying picture is taken overhead of a table, coffee rings, and chips in the wood with a professional camera and a host of unidentifiable reels of negatives. It's suitably impersonal and meaningless, but it's so out of character that people take notice immediately.

The floor chosen for Lover, unsurprisingly, is packed to the rafters, and while the announcement photo was bland, the host of posts Ichigo actually did make previously to it is more than enough of a draw.

Each canvas lovingly renders his mysterious muse, bathing her in light whilst cradling her desperately, jealously in the dark. She appears to the audience in parts and pieces as she has on Ichigo's Instagram page like she's beckoning them to puzzle her out as Ichigo has.

And they think they do as they catch glimpses of the defiant lift of her chin, the tease of her grin and the flirtatious wink of her eye.

There are glimpses of her life in the lightning strikes across her skin, the damaged elastic of her body around her thighs, her stomach. There are other scars that litter her, less obvious in origin, that have healed in different shades of pink and white and brown.

She has freckles; flecks of starbursts in snow on the outside of her shoulders, the nape of her neck, the tip of her nose.

She squints a lot, the lines around her eyes aren't just for the quickness of her smile, though that's obvious too.

Her lips are full, but chapped. She bites at them, an oral fixation which more than one photograph attests to; teases her for, with every exposure of her teeth mid twirl of a straw, spoon stretching her mouth and lollipop bobbing from rosebud lips.

And while there's a rigidity to her posture when she knows she's the subject, there's also a fluidity in the splay of her arms, the relieved arch of her neck, the slump of her shoulders.

She's not used to being the center of attention, but according to Ichigo, she deserves to be. And in his eyes, she is all he would want to pay attention to at all.

For all that this is his show, Ichigo is nowhere to be found, and his muse is not amongst them either; ethereal creature that she is, they're convinced they'd know it was her by her sheer presence alone.

The opening night of the gallery ends without either of them making an appearance.

The following morning, an Instagram post is uploaded, and most would think it's a simple thank-you from Ichigo's management for everyone's support of the event. Instead, what it actually is, is a video:

It's from the evening before. Most of the overhead lights have been switched off though, except for one, and the gallery is empty save for one woman, and one man. Ichigo.

Their backs are to the camera, but his bright hair is an easy enough identifier.

But for all that she's standing there before their eyes, his muse; she's hidden from them still with the comforting bulk of Ichigo's shadow to guard her. Still protecting her, still hoarding her for himself.

As she stares at the photograph illuminated by the only light in the gallery, she murmurs, soft and brittle and hopeful, "Do you mean it?"

"Rukia." It's an incantation, a plea. The single word trembles in the whisper it's encased in.

Her inhale is shaky, "Do you mean it, the way you see me?"

And they all hear the undercurrent of her question: like I'm precious, like I'm lovely, like I'm fragile, like I'm perfect, like I'm not; like I'm yours?

His reply is a ragged exhale.

The video stops.

The caption reads: I wouldn't look anywhere else if you let me.

Kudos | Ko-fi

[justmickeyfornow]

How do you sit down and write? Like do you write at tea/coffee shop to increase that anesthetics writer creativity? Or hole up under your blanket? I’ve been trying to write something for 2 months now without much progress. Any words of wisdom?

Boy, do I got a few tips for you!! 

These tips are mostly if you’re writing a story (but some work both ways), so if you’re writing a paper or a dissertation or something with no progress, I’ll gladly do another post for that!

Step right up and welcome to Mickey’s....

Sit Yo Ass Down And Write Crash Course

1. Tip number uno:

Never sit your ass down and write. 

Hear me out, hear me out. If you’re anything like me, then you’re probably a serial procrastinator who’s always in desperate need to just not do what needs to be done. It’s quite simple. All you gotta do is trick that damn beautiful but procrastinating brain of yours. 

How? Well, I’m glad you asked!

I actually do my best writing standing in lines! Yup! Standing in lines has written some of the most intense scenes in PI. Hospital and airport waiting areas? Yup. Lotsa writing done there! Basically, if you find yourself waiting for something, pull up your phone and start writing. Half of PI was written on the subway, on buses, or in cars. I don’t know what it is, but my brain becomes hyperactive at that point. Like I have to finish writing this scene before reaching the front of the line or else I’ll make a fool of myself in front of the pretty barista lady.

For us procrastinators, we like to find any and every excuse not to work. But when you’re not actually working and your doing something else instead, our procrastinating brain doesn’t really identify the action as writing.

Believe it or not I never actually ‘sit down and write’. I only do so when I’m editing. During the editing process, I force myself to sit down on an actual chair, in front of an actual laptop/computer screen, use an actual keyboard, and edit! It’s brutal! Makes my procrastinating brain go antsy!

2. Tip number two:

If you get an idea, stop, drop, and type!

Don’t think about it. Don’t overthink the idea. Just jot it down on your phone. I don’t care if you were talking to someone and it would be rude to do so. Because as soon as you let go of that idea and say, “I’ll write it down later” then poof! it’s gone! 

Repeat after me: STOP. DROP. AND TYPE.

3. Tip number trzy (Polish):

never write perfectly from the start. 

Write in bullet form if you have to. Or just type the idea you have in your head. The more you pressure yourself to writing something perfectly, the more you’ll forget your idea. And this works with both story writing and academic writing as well.

Writing is a lot like drawing. You start with pencil, draw the basics - dialogue, single action,  main thing that happens - then using your pencil, draw some of the details - the he said she said parts, turn the actions into full sentences with adjectives and description - then lastly add in the color - the punctuation, the indentations, and the splitting of paragraphs - and finally you have a picture.

Let me give you an example. This is a simple scene that I’m gonna write on the spot from the random phrase “There’s no space for my ice cream”. (I initially screen recorded a video for you, but then when I came to upload it, I unfortunately realized that Tumblr doesn’t allow videos on asks....)

So here you see just random dialogue. No actions even.

Then I added dialogue above it. So what you write first doesn’t necessarily mean what’s gonna come first.

More dialogue and some action.

Here I started fixing it up. Added indentations. Set a scene with Lena being in the other room and all.

And then Tada!

So, As you can see, I start with basic dialogue, just what I think they might say (it changes a lot btw). Then I add some actions. Then I go back up and write more dialogue before the dialogue I started with. Then I go ahead and indent a few lines here and there. I write the saids (Kara called. Lena answered. She said. Kara exclaimed. Kara whined). And then add in some scenery as well.

And like I said, this works for story writing as well as academic. I used to do the same thing when I needed to write a paper. I would start simple. No big words. Just somewhat of an idea of what I want to write and build up from there.

4. Tip number quatre (French):

Watch to learn. 

This means that when you’re watching something, whether it’s a movie or a tv show, learn how the characters react. Their quirks, their nervous habits, everything and anything that makes them them. I can’t count how many times I had to rewind a movie because I was too busy noticing how the main character’s eyes would linger on the coffee table in front of her before she would say something painful. Or how if a character is shoved to the ground, which body part hits the ground first. Go through scenes of movies and tv shows and learn how people behave.

Movies and Tv-shows could also help you with how a character can cope a certain way or react in a certain way. For example, I was watching this show on Netflix called “Dead To Me” and the main character, her husband was killed in a hit-and-run by a speeding car. And part of her grief was that she would jot down the licence plate number of every car that was speeding and every car that had a bump at its front. That’s a detail of a specific form of grief. You could have your own character be obsessed with finding a cure to heart attacks if their SO died that way.

5. Tip number cinque (Italian):

Use real people as reference. 

Sit in a coffee shop and creepily watch a woman sitting in the corner table. You gotta act all stalkerish here for it to work! Now pretend that it’s your character that’s sitting there. Write down the little things that the woman might do that you’ll probably never even think of if you would have written the scene at home. Like how the woman’s head jerks up when a car passes by and she watches it through the glass window. How her foot taps on the floor to the rhythm of her music. How she frowns when she spills some coffee on her sketch book. Everything. The silly faces she does to the toddler sitting in the other table.

Use real people. If you’re writing a girl who’s somewhat tomboyish, maybe go to a skateboard park or something. Go to a fancy restaurant if you’re writing a rich old lady. A library if you’re writing a college student. 

6. Tip number lix (Somali):

Don’t write in order.

I cannot stress this enough. Write bottom to top. Middle to top. Middle to bottom. Write middle to bottom to middle again to top. Just don’t do it in order. Most of the time I write a paragraph thinking this is how I’m going to start my scene and it ends up being somewhere in the middle of all the chaos! Writing in order doesn’t make sense not even in essay writing. You never write an introduction first because you need a thesis. In order to have a thesis you need to know what the hell your body paragraphs are talking about. So, you start with your body. Not necessarily the first body paragraph either.

Write whatever comes to mind and figure out the order later. Chances are, it’ll change a billion times over before you commit to one. Writing in order gives your brain stress and in turn you’ll probably get a mental block. You’re too pressured to write the opening scene of the chapter that you forget what the hell happens in the end. And you lose that excitement, that flare you have to write the scenes that you had figured out in your head. Which sucks. Because it’s nearly impossible to get that back!

Also don’t worry about how you’ll combine everything in the end. That’s for the editing process, you’re not there yet. And from my experience, things tend to come together in the end on their own so you shouldn't worry too much.

7. Tip number seitsemän (Finnish):

Details, dude! They are everything!

(This one has nothing to do with being unable to write.... I realized this only AFTER I wrote it.....)

sometimes the details have nothing to do with the main characters, but writing them helps the reader feel like there’s a world there being lived beyond the characters he or she is reading about.

It paints a picture. And in writing, it’s very hard painting a picture with a white paper and some black ink. And that’s when details come in hand.

What I like to do is I like to zoom in on the scene I’m writing. Picture the scene in your head. Let’s take for example both characters are sitting on a bench in the park. Now pretend you have a pair of binoculars and zoom in on the scene. You’ll probably see a small ladybug that is sitting on the bench between them that one of the characters noticed but didn’t say anything because they know the other person is afraid of bugs. So they carefully pick it up without letting the other person know and they place it on the other side beside them. Or maybe you’ll realize there’s some carvings on the edge of the bench. A heart with an arrow and two letters on each end. Your character will probably wonder who the letters belong to, what were their names, and whether or not she and the other person would ever carve their own letters on a bench somewhere.

Details make a simple scene of two people sitting beside one another, into a whole picture of everything around them. 

8. Tip number osm (Czech):

Do research!

Top weird things I had to do a ton of research about for my stories:

How to build a gas bomb that you could release through the ventilation system of a buildingWhat kind of metal are the batarangs made of?How to bring someone back from the dead?How much space do you need to build a rocket and is a football field enough?How high should a person’s IQ be for them to be considered ‘genius’ level of smartQuantum Mechanics and matter reconfiguration devicesintracortical microstimulation (whatever that is) and how to use it to create the sense of touch in amputee limbs

The list goes on, trust me!

But research gives you an idea of where to begin. Sometimes, you don’t even know what it is you’re writing and you get ideas from your research. Research gives your readers a realistic sense to your world. Even if it’s not real. Even if all you’ve written is fake. They don’t know that! But what they do know is that your character is hella smart and can create a device using intracortical microstimulation to help create the sense of touch in amputee limbs!

Fun fact: Watch "True Memoirs of an International Assasin”. It’s on Netflix. And it’s every writer’s nightmare. It explains just how much we writers would go for that small detail. It shows you the depths we will take to ensure we know every detail of what it is we’re writing about! Highly recommended for every writer out there!

9. Tip number dokuz (Turkish):

If you’re stuck, act it out!

Yup, you heard me! Get yo ass off that chair and start practicing for your next Oscar because you’r gonna act out the scene you wanna write. Say your character just entered her house and called out to their spouse without a response. Go inside your own house and start jotting down the details of what you see. Your character will probably notice the lack of shoes. How the kitchen light isn’t turned on. Or the hum of the dishwasher not present. No keys in the bowl. All small things that they slowly realize before actually realizing that no one was home.

Acting also gives you ideas on how someone would react. Walk into your own house and imagine finding out you’ve been robbed. All your stuff is everywhere. Now, realistically - and I mean really really realistically - you wouldn’t freak out. At least not physically on the outside. You wouldn’t start jumping and shouting and go looking in your room if your cash is gone.

Because your brain needs time to process. You would have questions. Lots of them. Is the thief still here? Should I call the police? No, what if this is a prank. Is this a prank? Who would prank me like this? Your eyes would go around the room, noting down all the details there. The broken glass, the opened drawers, the thrown pillows. Use your own surroundings to imagine what a robbed place would look like.

10. Tip number umi (Hawaiian):

Always remember, each character is different.

(Realized this one also has nothing to do with being stuck and not being able to write and more to do with character writing... I think I went off topic....)

I always find stories where all the characters are practically written the same way. The dialogue is really generic. Because the writer isn’t really imagining as each character being a separate entity. They’re all characters of a story to them. The way one character talks is often if not always never the same way another character talks. AND a certain character will talk differently depending on who they’re talking with.

Give each of your characters certain attributes or quirks that they add to their dialogue. Like how the more sophisticated one chooses to say ‘darling’ instead of ‘babe’ or how one of them speaks in short and concise sentences having served time in the army and taught that each word counts. I know this tip isn’t that important, but I’ve seen a lot of writers do this mistake where all the dialogue is the same. And that’s because they’re trying so hard to move the story along that they forget that they need time for the characters to react and process differently.

Similarly, make sure that you know that each character reacts differently. I’ve fallen into this mistake several times actually to be honest. This one time I wrote a whole scene where I had Lena be super happy about something (can’t remember what it was) with someone she wasn’t too close with and then I remembered that she’s more reserved than Kara. She less trusting so she rarely shows her genuine side to others unless she knows them to be worthy or good. She’s not too open so she wouldn’t show her happiness by jumping around and screaming with joy. Whereas Kara! Oh, Kara! She would hug the mailman when she would be happy! And she’s probably best friends with her pizza delivery guy! Had to do multiple rewrites whenever I would do that mistake.

11. Tip number vienuolika (Lithuanian):

Drink Green Tea.

Repeat after me: Drink. Green. Tea.

No explanation necessary. Tea is life.

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I’m sorry this blog has been so dead-feeling and sporadic for a while now. Not that anyone probably cares, but if any of my followers somehow still enjoy following me, I’m sorry to you all. (tmi health issues below)

I haven’t “updated” in a long while, mostly because I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of dying anymore, like I did all throughout 2017 to maybe halfway through 2018; my health has been pretty stable for a while now. But it’s almost like once my thoughts didn’t have to be preoccupied with constant terror and depression of the worst kind 24/7, now it’s made room for other things to take hold of me. I don’t have panic attacks anymore (at least that I know of; I definitely had one the other night, though), but I have mental anxiety more than ever about really random and ridiculous things, and intrusive thoughts. I’ve gotten a lot of writing done but at the same time feel more unproductive than ever; I’ve always had bad executive dysfunction, but for the last couple months it’s felt worse. I’ve nearly dropped off of drawing entirely; I wish I did it more, but I’ll never be good enough and it’ll never get enough attention to feel like it’s worth the exhaustion it takes. And I probably have actual depression, if I didn’t before then I probably definitely do now; I’ve started to be able to tell the difference in my moods between days, where I feel really invigorated and into something and wanting to do something, and when I feel really down and can’t bring myself to do anything I mean even more than usual lol and feel like I want to cry sometimes for no reason.

I don’t feel as passionate about stuff anymore, which is probably a BIG WARNING SIGN cause I’ve heard other people say this, but yeah. I’m constantly feeling like I should go “give myself a break from writing”, so I just end up playing small, shorty video games that don’t hold my attention very well, instead of working on my backlog of big games that I know are gonna keep me busy for a while each once I start them... otherwise I just stay at my computer thinking that surely I’ll feel like writing something else soon, because I know deep down I want to work on filling my remaining ideas, and I know I can because I have been steadily uploading the last few months, but then I’ll just end up sitting here doing nothing in the end. Or if I get lucky, write. But it just feels like literally everything I do is happening at a snail’s pace now, for no reason. Getting through anime episodes now is tedious, at least for seasonal anime that I’m just trying out and not stuff I already know I’ll love. Keeping up with manga is hard too, I’m so behind on so many series, except for MHA because the chapters are short and weekly instead of monthly, which somehow helps. I like to read at night before sleeping, but I usually fall asleep so quickly after laying down, it’s frustrating. And none of this should matter because no one cares but me but I can’t stand it, especially when my anxiety is constantly making me worried about how long my lifespan is gonna be and that I need to hurry up and do shit quicker. :))))))

All of those mental health diagnoses are just speculation though, since I haven’t been officially looked at by anyone, cause we don’t know where to find anyone. Maybe adhd meds would help me, but who knows when I’ll be able to try any if I do, because I’m already taking so many physical health meds that my parents are always wary about adding unnecessary ones, especially since we’re so uneducated when it comes to the delicacies of mental health meds.

My health problem has morphed into a swallowing problem; I have extra saliva and mucus that gets “stuck” and won’t go down all the way unless I swallow a lot, and I can’t drink or eat anything anymore, which is literally the most agonizing thing in the world, I’m so thirsty (I’m still getting nutrition; please don’t ask how). I’ve done a couple tests and they’ve been fine, so no one knows what’s going on, and my parents have been lax about setting up to go to a better hospital because things aren’t urgent anymore like they used to be now that I have a reflux med. I mean, at least as far as I know; who tf knows what’s happening to me I also have leg nerve pain from sitting in a wheelchair all day every day, which is nothing new at all, it’s been a thing for years, but lately it’s been absolutely agonizing because I’m too underweight to pad my body and my wheelchair isn’t a good fit for me and getting the people to take the steps to change things takes literal months because they’re slow and lazy as molasses. My back is constantly tight too, to varying degrees, sometimes better, and I don’t know what that is, maybe anxiety, but that’s frustrating too cause it makes breathing ever so harder. So yeah, I’m not fearing for my life anymore, at least consciously, but things are still hard and I’m so tired that they’re still like this and they’re just making my mental health worse. I spend most days not doing anything, suffering in some small annoying way that’s enough to keep me from being able to focus on anything, and going to the relief of bed, to repeat forever.

I’m realizing that I’m just lonely. I’m so lonely. Everything is so different now than it was even three years ago; so many of my online friends are gone, even if we’re still mutuals on tumblr; the first online community I ever joined that first got me into online friendships and animanga has long since disbanded. Various mutuals on here I never really talked to but was used to seeing in my activity are gone. Other friends have changed slightly, though they’re still dear to me; I have new ones that are dear to me too, but yet others that I don’t feel a real connection with, and it feels like we’re just surface level acquaintances. One of my two closest and best of friends, one of the first friends I ever made years ago, abandoned me late last year, and to be honest I don’t know why. I did hurt her, but I feel confident in saying that it wasn’t to a degree that was unforgivable, or at least wasn’t worthy of a chance to redeem myself, so.... yeah, I don’t know why. She had changed a lot by that point, shut down a lot, and when I set her off and she left, it was as if all that time we’d spent so close together meant absolutely nothing anymore, had never happened... I don’t understand it. It hurts so much. I tried to contact her in other ways multiple times, by letter and by email, apologizing profusely, and she ignored all of them. It hurts and I’ve thought about it so much, I know I haven’t truly coped with it yet, but have only tried to ignore it, and I desperately need someone to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong (at least, not wrong enough for that reaction). Cause right now I just still hate myself for it deep down, am so worried about her, worried about how she is right now, wish I knew what she was thinking/thought then, all because of my mistake..... I don’t understand, I don’t know what to do, and it makes me think that all this time I’ve been a lot more terrible of a person than I’ve ever known, and that I’ll just keep accidentally pushing people away by trying to get too close, just like her.

She abandoned me, the few “adult friends” I’ve had irl abandoned me and never talk to me anymore once they stopped working for us, so I guess I’m just cursed this way. The main thing is that I’m seeking and craving interactions with people that no one I know want to have; I love analyzing fiction and getting into the meta and all that stuff, said online friend who abandoned me and I were on nearly the same wavelength when it came to this kind of thing, and we talked for hours and hours about different series and what made them work and why they didn’t work, getting real Deep(tm), and going against popular fandom opinions we thought were wrong (cause we were/are in the minority who disagreed with some of the praise for certain big name series lmao) lol, and that was my normal for a few years... and to have all that be gone is so alien. We were going to collab on a fic together, and that barely got off the ground before she left. I’m dying to have it all back so much, but none of my other friends are into that kind of discussion like she was, and I feel like a piece of shit for acting like they’re “lesser” than her for that, but that’s basically how I’m unintentionally acting.... and I hate myself for it. But I can’t help it; I don’t know what to do. I just know I’m bursting at the seams practically with so much I want to talk about and do that I can’t and I’m so lonely and it’s all so frustrating and depressing and I’m so tired of it all. So aimless and tired and bored and unmotivated and afraid and wishing more than ever that I had 2016 back, before everything became so fucked up in so many ways.

I’m so sorry, anyone who’s friends with me now reading this; you’re all so important to me and I don’t mean to act like you’re not. I’m just sorry I’m such a mess. I need a new purpose, but I don’t know what that is. Maybe I should use this blog to write more meta posts, besides that one. Maybe I should actually post my fics here, although as everyone on tumblr knows, fics get even less notes than art does, so even though my MHA fics get a decent amount of attention as it is, maybe it wouldn’t matter if I put them here too. Is it obvious I’m just a lazy greedy lonely ass craving validation and attention and friendship at this point.......... lol......... I’m just a wreck, I feel so suppressed and aimless, trapped in a life that’s too suffocating and alone for me. And I don’t know how long I and this blog are going to stay this way, so........ I’m sorry, anyone who cares.

Thank you, everyone who’s followed me and still follow me; I appreciate you all so much, and haven’t forgotten a single one of you early ones I’ve talked to before. Hopefully eventually this blog will feel more alive again, eventually........ eventually.............. whenever I find what it is I need, somehow. In the meantime I’ll just keep reblogging MHA posts like a broken record I guess lol.

[xxlove4evaxx]

Ok so someone is impersonating me on YouTube

[FINAL UPDATE]

The fake account exposed themselves (they keep posting fake and nosense evidence tho and conviently now they have a sudden interest in KPOP LMAO) so case closed I decide to move on and stop free-promo them and wait for YouTube to take actions.

So to sum up:

x Fake account won’t answer which is the very first video I uploaded onto thatsideofutube x Fake account won’t answer which is the last video of thatsideofutube before it got terminated. x Fake account has used promo discount codes (glossier) for personal gain, I HAVE NEVER. x Fake account will never upload the 6 episodes of the Barbie series. x Fake account doesn’t speak spanish and everyone who has been following me long enough knows I’m a native spanish speaker (my tumblr bios has always had spanish) ALSO I SUBBED THIS VIDEO MYSELF: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5b6sg8MpCE. x Fake account only provides fake screenshots and fake video recordings that are easy manipulable. x Fake account started making random gmail accounts a la th.atsideofutube2@gmail.com to make their fake proof plausible. x You know I’ve been banned from uploading on YouTube several times and I NEVER MADE A DIFFERENT ACCOUNT to keep posting, I waited for the ban to be over / used private videos to keep posting. x Having a ban from YouTube DOESN’T KEEP YOU FROM EDITING YOUR BIO NOR EDITING THE TITLES/DESCRIPTION OF THE ALREADY UPLOADED VIDEOS; the last time I got a ban on thatsideofutube2 I used the latest video’s title to let people know I wasn’t able to upload anything new for a while and you know (WHY WOULD I ACT DIFFERENT NOW AND MAKE A NEW CHANNEL AND NOT LET MY SUSCRIBERS KNOW ON MY MAIN CHANNEL?). x I’ve been away for personal reasons (medical issues) so someone took advantage of my absence to make this happen. x A ban on YouTube doesn’t last 4 months so why they never went back to the main channel to keep posting?.  x Fake account only claimed they were “hacked” once I started uploading again. x Fake account never linked this tumblr to their account. x I have never linked their channel on thatsidefoutube2. x Fake account used their channel to tell everyone it was their birthday I HAVE NEVER done that. x I’Ve NeVer TyPEd LikEd THiS. x I’ve had this tumblr account long before I started the thatsideofutube thing (you can check the archive for that) so NO, thatsideofutube2@gmail.com is not the login email for this tumblr (you can check that no tumblr account is associated with that email, therefore THIS TUMBLR COULDN’T HAVE BEEN HACKED IF YOU DON’T HAVE THE LOGIN INFORMATION). x Fake account deleted all the comments about recording a video of themselves to prove their legit, it wasn’t until I said on my channel that the picture on my tumblr is from Jessica Jung (for fuck’s sake, it even says Jessica in my bio) that they keep saying everywhere how the pic is from a famous person. x Sadly, several people fell for the lies and are spreading the same lies on my channel so to stop those lies from being spread I’ve decided to block any user spreading lies on my channel in order to confuse / mislead the rest of the suscribers. x Fake account is still ignoring all these FACTS and turning a blind eye because they know they can prove me wrong with ANY of these. x I’m willing to do anything you can come up with to prove I’m the original owner, a video in spanish? You say it. I STILL HAVE ACCESS to the first thatsideofutube account (the channel is obviously down) so I can show you anything you want from it (the email I got (in spanish) saying the channel was terminated? You say it. *IN BEFORE THEY SAY THE ORIGINAL CHANNEL WAS “HACKED” TOO LMAO*

[UPDATE 3]

This sad hoe just deleted their thatsldeofutube2@gmail.com account so that the system will say that the email does not exist. Why aren't they showing the previous video but without the mouse cursor on it tho? LMAO SADDDDD. It took them more than an hour to come up with this </3.

[UPDATE 2]

Don’t you love when a mouse cursor is conveniently placed TO HIDE A LOWERCASE “L” TRYING TO PASS AS AN “i”?

The fake ho just uploaded a new video claiming the screenshots are real. They proceed to show the timestamps and the mails... however the mouse is conveniently placed on the thatsideofutube2@gmail.com just because IS NOT THATSIDEOFUTUBE2@GMAIL.COM BUT THATSLDEOFUTUBE2@GMAIL.COM

You can check yourself by trying to create a new account by that name:

What a suprise!!!! (irony) thatsldeofutube2@gmail.com is already taken!! (you can check yourselves).

LMAO you can see how conveniently he placed the finger there to hide the lower case L.

Also if you check the video at 0:07, you can see how the video goes abruptly from this frame

to this one (you can x0.25 to see it clearer).

This is not taken in one shot, it is an edited video with two different shots just to avoid showing the mouse cursor moving and exposing the lowercase L LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Also LMAO @ the sudden interest in KPOP when people were commenting on my last video how the fake channel never showed interest in that.

YOU DUN GUUFED SON.

[UPDATE]

x They uploaded a new fake screenshot now with time stamps. The emails are still nowhere to be seen lol.

x They didn’t address any of the rest of the points below LMAO (simply because they can’t, he can only provide fake screenshots).

x They added my tumblr link on their bio just now LMAO (why would you link a tumblr account that is hacked). Also, the 10% glossier promo discount shit is still there.

YouTube has just contacted me back and this should be solved soon.

I’ll just leave this here because I don’t wanna keep promoting that sad hoe on YouTube.

x A fake screenshot where you can’t even see the sender/so called “hacker” email (aka thatsideofutube2@gmail.com) is not real proof. Literally anyone can name themselves thatsideofutube 2 being the email something totally different. The email from the “hacker” is conveniently nowhere to be seen.

x Another fake (and convenient) screenshot where the “hacker” totally out of the blue and in the most random way claims that this tumblr is hacked when I update my bio with proof that I’m the original owner is shady af and not real proof. Why this screenshot only appears AFTER I update my bio? Why not claim that the tumblr account was ~hacked~ too right away?. They gave some poor excuse that they were tired or some shit like that and that’s why they didn’t upload it right away LMAO dumb af.

x There are NO timestamps for the emails.

x I’m sure some new “screenshots” will appear and now thatsideofutube2@gmail.com will be visible lmao.

x I made this tumblr long before I started thatsideofutube so thatsideofutube@gmail.com nor thatsideofutube2@gmail.com aint the emails I use to log on tumblr (you can check that yourselves, no tumblr accounts are associated to those emails) so there’s no way “a hacker” can take this tumblr without knowing the login information which that sad hoe doesn’t know.

x They never linked this tumblr to their account.

x I’ve NEVER used the channel for promo however they have some get 10% glossy shit off links on several videos and linked to their bio. Why would I do this instead of linking my tumblr to my bio as I HAVE ALWAYS DONE?.

x When I receive strikes from YouTube I turn to private videos to keep posting / wait for a while until the bans is lifted. I HAVE NEVER made different accounts to keep posting (and you know this), not with thatsideofutube nor with thatsideofutube2 now. Why would I start now and start posting again with a different account when I still have mine? I’ve always waited and you know. I only made thatsideofutube2 when thatsideofutube got terminated.

x Since 2011 I have NEVER used a video to claim it was “my birthday” in a desperate attempt to get congratulation comments.

x When thatsideofutube got terminated I uploaded the same videos WITH THE SAME EXACT TITLE, those in the fake channel have different ones from the original (my titles).

x I’Ve NeVer TyPEd LikEd THiS for any of my videos.

x I’m a native spanish speaker and I have talked in spanish with several subscribers several times (my tumblr bio has had the spanish sentence since forever) the fake account can’t speak a single word in Spanish.

x The fake account only claimed thatsideofutube2 was hacked once I started uploading again, how come “a hacker” can instantly upload videos (hence the so called ban was lifted) and they never got back to thatsideofutube2 to start posting again?. I never left the channel when I was banned from uploading, I used private videos to keep posting.

x That sad ho is making multiple “fan” accounts claiming they were close to me when I never talked to them to confuse and mislead people, they’re also blocking people calling them out to make them look good (they stopped doing that once I made this post lmao). I’m blocking everyone promoting them / confusing people to keep from misleading the people on my channel.

x On my “I got 2 Community Guidelines Strikes already” video (link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JiCfBPPzHU ) user Lets Talk About comments how he can’t wait for thatsideofutube3 then I reply “I’d rebrand tbh” meaning that I wouldn’t use the thatsideofutube thing again (and I won’t).

x The girl in my pic is Jessica Jung from Girls Generation (aka the girlband from videos like #IgotABoyOnMyChin) Funny how the fake account only said they couldn’t do a face reveal because the pic on my bios it’s Jessica once I said that myself on my channel LMAO (if he knew how come they didn’t say earlier?),

x The fake account has only addressed one of these points (and with a fake video and fake screenshots lmao). He keeps ignoring all these points (and we know they know about this post since they have made several videos regarding only two points of the big ass amount there is.

So if that sad hoe claims they’re the orignal owner (which IT ISNT the case) they can easily do the following tasks (which I obviously can):

Name the first video I ever uploaded onto my first channel Name the last video I uploaded before my first channel got terminated Say why I don’t pin the user malcom memery anymore. The login email for this tumblr. Upload all of the unedited Barbie’s Dream House Episodes (all 6 of them; I only uploaded the first 4 ones because 5 & 6 are painfully unfunny but I still have the vids from the og tumblr user). And a lot more I can add if you want me to.

This is honestly getting out of hand.

[roguearcanis]

Sasha: Now I said this on the NyxRising Industries Tumblr too Incase only one of you get it or whatever Incase it doesn’t go through... I want to say that you are so wonderful in the videos. So understanding of others and appreciative that your videos exist. I’ve been ill the past two weeks and your videos just made me smile. I had just subscribed to you the day you uploaded that 10k livestream. How does your channel being helpful to others make you feel? :) Much love to you all.

This is such a lovely message, thank you so much for getting in contact!

Honestly, it’s the most humbling and wonderful feeling in the world. I’ve said this a couple of times in answer to various questions, but cosplay videos seriously helped me out during a very stressful, dark time of my life. It was 2008 and I had just started my first university course - though the course and the university promised good things for me, it was a stage in life I wasn’t ready for. I was isolated, desperately homesick, anxiety-ridden, and scared to even leave my dorm room. One of the few things that helped put a smile back on face was watching cosplay skit videos on YouTube, such as Jack’s old channel and Fighting Dreamers Productions. They fuelled me to put my copious spare time into cosplay, and it was from that point that I started meeting people who would play vital roles in my later life. 

I owe those videos so much, so the fact that I can now do a similar thing for others who are struggling is so very important to me. In a way it feels like giving back after those videos helped so pivotally me ten years ago. Honestly, if I can make just one person smile with a joke in a video, or a performance of their favourite character, I’ve done what I set out to do. I just hope that we can continue to do it for a long time to come

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Halloween Mishap|Chase Brody x Reader

So here’s the first story I’ll post on Tumblr! And it’s a Halloween one, too, featuring Jack’s egos ^^ Tho it’s never too early for Halloween...r-right? OuO Anywho, this was requested by @narutofoxlover and they recommended that I post it here. Hope you all enjoy it~

It was Halloween, your favorite holiday of all time where you'd either go out to costume parties, visit haunted houses, or go Trick-or-Treating with your friends (while dismissing anyone who said you were "too old" to do such things). But this Halloween in particular was different, as you were spending it in Brighton with Jack and his egos, which was actually quite enjoyable to say the least. Most of the day was spent with you all going to a local haunted house (where Jackieboy Man screamed his head off nonstop despite his claims that he was the "bravest"), carving pumpkins (which Anti and Rob enjoyed), and watching classic horror movies (in which Henrik criticized the actors and their choices throughout). All in all, you had a blast, but as the day drew closer to an end, you were wondering what other sort of spookiness awaited you tonight.

  "Man..kids are already going out?" You remarked as you looked out the window and saw several Trick-or-Treaters in the streets. "The sun hasn't even gone down all the way yet." "Hmm..maybe they wanna get first dibs on candy," Marvin said while he was practicing some magic tricks. He muttered a spell in what you can only assume was Latin under his breath, and when you turned around, you gasped as you saw a green, wispy, ghoulish figure rise from his palm. He flipped his hand upwards, sending the spirit flying around the room. You and the egos watched in awe, although Jackieboy Man seemed a little terrified. It then descended in front of you. But when you went to touch it, the ghost suddenly dissipated into a thousands tiny skulls, which vanished soon after. A chill swept over you, making you shiver slightly. "W-Wowie...that was awesome, Marv," you told the magician, smiling. Marvin simply shrugged in response. "I'm still working on it....but y'know...I was thinking about opening my own haunted house some time and just having a bunch of ghastly spirits flying about." "Could...Robbie...be in...it..?" The gray zombie asked as he pointed to himself, tilting his head to the side. "Ja," Henrik nodded in agreement, smiling at him. "You'd fit right in! No need to buy silly Halloween decor or hire lame actors vhen ve have you fine gentlemen~!" "Brooooooo that would be sick! You'd make some mad cash off'a that!" Chase laughed as he attempted to toss a teabag into the small bowl of candy that was on the other side of the room. When he made it, he jumped up in excitement and dabbed. "IAMTHEONEDON'TWEIGHATONDON'TNEEDAGUNTOGETRESPECTUPONTHESTREE-" "Jesus flippin' Christ..I'll never get how my own egos can be louder than me.." Glancing over, you saw Jack enter from his recording room, with Anti in tow. It was then you remembered that the pair did a Halloween special together, one that would make the fanbase freak out for sure. "Well, the video's been uploaded," Jack smiled as he turned around to high-five his demonic half. "Great work, dude." "Thanks. Can't wait to see their reactions tomorrow~" He chuckled. "Awww I see a little guy dressed up as Spider-Man," Jackieboy Man cooed as he looked out the window, before frowning slightly and glancing back at you. "Man..now I kinda wanna go out and get some candy, too." "Well..why don't we then?" Marvin suggested. "I mean technically we're already in costumes. You're a superhero, I'm a magician, Henrik is a doctor, Rob is a zombie, and Anti...could pass as a ghoul or something, too. The only ones who really need a costume are [y/n], Chase, and Jack." "Hmm..I zink I'll pass, though," Henrik declined, "I don't vant to go out and zink about all ze poor kids who are gonna have cavities and tummy aches after tonight." He grimaced at the thought. "And I think I'll just sit outside with the candy bowl in my lap an' pretend to be dead," Anti volunteered, a grin appearing on his face. "Then when those little kiddies come by to take some... I'll scare the livin' daylights outta them~" He cackled. You laughed a bit. "Alright..well that could work. Just don't give anybody a heart attack." "No promises." "I..don't really have anything to wear," Chase sighed, before he perked up. "But what I would love to be is a werewolf! They're so cool and ferocious looking!" "They are," you nodded. "But..unfortunately I don't think we'll have time to go out and buy you a cos-" "Then..maybe Marvin can change me into one!!" ".........." All of the egos fell silent as they turned to look at Marvin. "Ah...well..." He chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. "It's...possible for me to turn you into a real one, but I don't-" "You can do that???" Chase's eyes lit up as he sprinted over to the magician, grabbing him by the shoulders. "Dude, that would be sick!! Do it!!" Marvin frowned a bit, before sighing and shaking his head. "Chase..I..I don't think you understand. The consequences could be--hey! What are you doing?!" He growled as the ego in the snapback grabbed his spellbook that was on the table. "Put that down!!" "Maybe you got a spell in here or somethin'!" He grinned, taking a step back when Marvin tried to grab his book back before proceeding to open it and flip through the pages. "It's gotta be here somewhere, man....oooooh..this looks like it." "Chase, please, give that back-!" "Eh? Lupino.....Lupinotuum....pec..tinem?" Chase's eyebrows furrowed as he read the two words that were in bold, confused. "What does that mean? Lupinotuum..pectinem..?" "Chase, stop! Don't say it a third-!!" "Why not? It sounds kinda cool. Lupinotuum pectinem-" Suddenly, the pages began to glow, and from them emerged a yellow, ghostly wolf, surrounded by white whisps of smoke. Chase's eyes widened in both shock and amazement, although he shivered a bit as the creature locked eyes with him. Then it raised its head, letting out a quiet howl before leaping out of the book and phasing right into his body. With a gasp, he stumbled back, dropping the book as he clutched his chest in pain. "G-Gah...wh-what was that...? I...I feel like I've been shot through my goddamn chest.." He knees buckled and he fell to the floor. "Oh no...." Marvin muttered as he got up and crouched down in front of Chase, who was starting to writhe in pain. He then sighed, taking a deep breath to calm himself. "Chase, listen..it's gonna be okay. Just stay calm and...." His eyes widened behind his mask as he saw that Chase's were now an unusually bright and icy blue. "O-Oh this is bad.." "Wh-What is it..? What's bad...?" "Nothing," the magician shook his head, "you'll be fine as long as there's no full moon right-" "Umm..guys? We may have a tiny problem.." You and the egos glanced over to see Jackieboy Man draw back the curtain, revealing a clouded, full moon in the dark sky. "There's already a-" "AGHH!!!" Looking back, you all gasped in horror as you saw that Chase's fingernails were starting to become long and sharp, along with his teeth. "I-It hurts...EVERYTHING HURTS!!" He screamed, clutching his head in pain. Then he started to hyperventilate. "I-I-I'm scared..I-I don't want th-this anym-G-GAHH!! M-Marv...y-you c-can reverse this somehow, right? Right??" The terrified ego clutched the magician's shoulders, his eyes wide and desperate. "P-Please, y-you gotta stop this bro! PLEASE!!" But once more, Marvin shook his head. "I..I'm sorry, but there's nothin' I can do," he said regrettably. "I haven't worked on a way to reverse the spells...but if it's any reassurance you'll be back to normal by dawn-" "I-I can't wait that long!" Chase whimpered, letting go of him before he scrambled to the corner of the room and curled up into a ball. "I-I fucked up...I-I m-made one dumb mistake. And..a-and now I'm g-gonna turn into a..a-a..." "Chase.." You took a step forward, crouching down in front of him. "It's alright..we're here-" Though when you went to put a hand on his shoulder, he suddenly smacked it away, making you wince in pain. "DON'T TOUCH ME!!!" He growled, although he realized what he did and his expression shifted into a remorseful one. "I-I'm so sorry [y/n]...I..I-I..." Tears were now streaming down his face. ".....j-just g-go...leave me....b-before I turn into a goddamn m-monster and hurt any of y-you.." Rubbing your hand a bit, you sighed sadly and stood up, taking a step back. The others, along with Jack, then tried their hand at consoling their fellow ego. Looking back, you realized that the only one who wasn't doing that was Anti. He was still sitting down on the couch, watching the scene unfold before him with a blank expression on his face. You frowned slightly and opened your mouth to scold him for not trying to help. But before you could utter a word, the demon abruptly stood up and walked past you. He brushed past the other egos, giving them a silent message to stand back, before he crouched down in front of Chase, who was now rocking back and forth slightly. "Brody..if there's anyone here that's a true monster...it's me." You all fell silent, shocked, when Anti spoke. For once his voice didn't sound distorted, glitchy, or layered....it was actually....calm and gentle. But all you were quiet as he talked to Chase. "Listen..knowing you...you're..you're not one to hurt anybody. Yer a guy with nothin' but a heart of gold, and that'll still be there even when you turn into a..werewolf." A small, genuine smile appeared on Anti's lips as he put his hand on his shoulder, gently rubbing it. Surprisingly, Chase didn't do anything except listen to his words. "But if it's one thing we're not gonna do, it's abandon ya. Even if ya lost control of yer humanity... we'll still be right here by yer side." Sniffling, Chase looked up at him. There was already dark brown fur appearing on the sides of his face. "Wh-Why do you care?" He frowned. "Af..After everything you-" "Look...I've already shed enough blood....and..." Anti glanced back at you. "Robbie and "ze good doctah" have, too." "Vhat?!" "Hmmm?" "But I'm not gonna let ya follow that same path," his gaze returned to Chase's as he withdrew his hand. "If you're scared....just....think of how after tonight you'll be back to yer old self, how we'll still be here with ya, and how you'll still see yer kids. Just think...happy stuff, Chase, an' you'll be fine." He took in every word that the usually malicious demon spoke, before smiling a bit. "A-Alright..." His nodded, his tears ceasing. "I-I'll try my best....thank you, Anti." Anti's eyes widened in surprise, as he had never been thanked for anything in his life, but he then smiled back and nodded. "You're welc-" *CRACK* "AAGH!!" Gasping, the demon glitched away from Chase, seeing that his painful and agonizing transformation was starting. "Everyone, behind me!" Marvin ordered, quickly snapping his fingers which summoned glowing, green chains that wrapped around Chase's wrists and anchored themselves to the floor. You all watched as he tried to get up, only to collapse to the ground and scream in pain. The sickening popping and cracking noises told you that those were his bones being restructured by the spell. Fur began to coat his body as a bushy tail sprouted from his tailbone. His facial features morphed to resemble those of a wolf while his muscles grew drastically in size, eventually ripping through his shirt and shoes. Surprisingly, his pants and hat still remained on him. After about a minute or so, the transformation was finally over as Chase rose to his feet once more, hunched over, before unleashing out a howl that startled all of you. "M-My G-God.." Henrik muttered, trembling slightly. "Zis is just like zose old verevolf films. Ch-Chase?" He stepped forward cautiously. "A-Are you still zere?" But he immediately stopped when the beast glanced at him, his blue eyes glowing. But he didn't attack him. In fact he seemed rather...calm. Chase then noticed the chains and began to struggle against them, although not aggressively as you were expecting him to. He then stopped and looked back at you, letting out a small whine as his ears drooped slightly. You and the egos exchanged glances, baffled yet relieved that your friend didn't immediately turn into a mindless, bloodthirsty killer. "Chase.." The werewolf glanced over at Marvin, flinching slightly when he saw the frown on his face. He whined again, as though to say he was sorry. The magician then sighed and walked up to him. "It's alright but...I did warn you, didn't I?" Chase bobbed his head up and down in understanding. He then tried to talk, but all that same out was a growl and a couple of grunts, before his black lips curled into what appeared to be a smile. "...uh....did..anyone understand what he's tryin' to say?" Jack asked, confused. "I do," Marvin replied. "He said he believes he can control himself. And..seeing how calm he is-" He snapped his fingers once more, and the chains vanished into thin air. "-I think I can trust him this one time." He looked back and smiled. Your eyes widened in shock, although a wide smile appeared on your face as you walked up to Chase. Then you boldly put your hand up and patted his snout, giggling when you saw his eyes widen. "Yep. He's still our Chase Bro--Hey!" You grimaced as the werewolf suddenly gave you a wet, sloppy kiss with his tongue. Jack and the other egos chuckled in amusement. "Blegh..just like a dog..." Wiping the drool off with your sleeve, you looked back up at Chase and sighed. "Oh boy...what are we gonna do with you now?" "Well...we can always still go Trick-or-Treating," Jackieboy Man suggested as he held up an empty pillowcase. "Just think of all the people that'll be spooked by Chase's "costume"!" He grinned widely. "Hmmm..perhaps we can," Marvin agreed. "We'll just have to keep our eye on him and make sure nobody else knows that he's a legit werewolf." Everyone nodded in agreement, although Jack's eye went wide. "Oh fook! I almost forgot!" "What is it?" You asked him, confused. "You and I still need somethin' to wear," the YouTuber replied, before he turned to you. "C'mon, let's see if I got anythin'. Surely I must." "Ohh that's right. Alrighty then." You began to follow him out of the room, though you looked over your shoulder at the egos. "Make sure he doesn't run off, alright?" Once more they nodded. With a sigh, you and Jack headed out of the room to find a quick Halloween costume or accessory to put on. "Sssoooo sssssofffft..." Turning around, Marvin, Jackieboy Man, Anti, and Henrik stared at Rob, who was hugging Chase with his head buried into his chest. The werewolf was surprised, but he awkwardly patted the top of the zombie's head, before shooting the others a confused look. But they simply shrugged and smiled at the scene. Perhaps... this wasn't such a bad Halloween after all.

[star-valo]

How Markiplier Saved Me

I’m sure everyone’s seen his late night video by now, and I’ve seen a few people in the tag posting their stories.

And I feel like now is the right time to share mine. It’s not the typical life saving story, but it definately got me out of a life where I was so terribly unhappy. And considering I’m an extremely naïve 25 year old who is now stumbling about life in such an ungodly awful manner, I feel I owe a lot of who I am now to @markiplier

This will be long. Very long. Brace yourself, I’m a story teller. - TW: Abuse mention

I met him when I was 19. He was 29, turning 30 in a few months; and a month after I met him, he was due to get married, to his girlfriend of 10 years. I was at uni, out on my own with my anxiety in full swing for the first time in my life and I wasn’t coping. I’d stopped eating entirely, I was geting every bug that went around campus and I’d lock myself away in my room for hours on end.

I forced myself to go to a convention that was near the university. Anxiety attack ensued, and I was in a very vulnerable state, which is where I met him. Subsequently, it turned out, just about every male that was remotely plesant to me that weekend, had ulterior motives. Unfortunately, his didn’t start until after the convention.

Bit of context. I’m one of those “growing up ugly” kids. The “popular” kids at school would fake crushes on me to get a laugh and ridicule me at every oppertunity. As such, I’m oblivious to any actual interest anyone may show in me. I can’t pick up on those social queues at all, because I just don’t believe they’re genuine.

He got married, we stopped talking. The next convention, 4 months after his wedding, he kissed me and made me super uncomfortable for the rest of the weekend. Apparently, married life wasn’t going too well, so his attention had moved from his wife, to me. This started the manipulation, feeding me stories about his wife, apologising endlessly for making me uncomfortable and showering me in gifts.

Against my parent’s wishes, I ended up in a relationship with him. For 3 years. and his control over me continued for an additional year before I finally managed to cut him out completely. Leaving me a rather broken 23 year old.

Now, where does Mark come in?

He is what opened my eyes to the mental and emotional abuse and blackmail I was being subjected to, and eventually pushed me to leave.

Part two of the story starts here.

I was browsing Tumblr, seeing a lot of this stuff poping up on my timeline relating to something called “Five Nights at Freddy’s” and of course, Markiplier’s name was popping up as well. I was curious. So, Hallowe’en 2014, I was visiting my bestie who I only see once a year due to distance and money, and we decided we’d watch some spooky stuff. I suggested a FNAF playthrough, to which Bestie’s sister insisted that we watch Mark’s because it was definately the best out there. So we did.

My bestie wasn’t particularly taken with FNAF so we only watched the first part, but I was hooked, I wanted to see more. So I got home and binge watched the rest of Mark’s FNAF playthrough. Of course, I wanted someone to share this new found enjoyment with (good god I loved theorising with FNAF Lore, still do), so I showed it to him. Who then proceeded to take it and use it against me, my pathetic ass wussy self that I am. I’m very easily scared as I have an extremely overactive imagination. Have since I was tiny.

He bought FNAF, would hook it up to his TV, turn out all the lights, start the night... then decide he needed a cigerette, and leave me alone whilst he went outside to smoke. Of course, I was curled up in the corner, bracing myself for the jumpscares. One night, I was at his place, I got up to go to the toilet. I’d gone to bed early because I was tired, he was still awake, drinking beer and watching crap telly. He heard me and hid on the stairs which were directly outside the door to his bedroom, where he knew I would be passing to go back to bed. Thankfully I saw him sprawled out on the stairs before he could execute his plan. He was going to play Foxy’s jumpscare sound on his phone (He had the video ready and everything) and grab my ankle as I walked past.

I won’t go in to some of the other things he did, but the manipulation was there. The sexual abuse and emotional blackmail was there. I just didn’t start to see it until I watched more of Mark.

One week when I was off work because I felt unwell and there weren’t new Markiplier videos because he’d gone into hospital (turns out I was unwell because my appendix went fucky, I went in to hospital the day Mark came out) I binge watched his old videos. I really enjoyed his Vlogs, just him talking to the camera made it feel more personal. I watched his Draw my Life, Live-action skits he’d done, Videos of him on other people’s channels too.

Even just the silly little things he’d do like calling “us” beautiful. The milestone videos where he’d say how much we mean to him, and how thankful he was for letting him have the life he has. It all got me thinking. Never had I seen emotion from my boyfriend. He had never called me beautiful, or pretty, or expressed any sort of happiness for me being around, unless it was to manipulate me. He’d cry and self harm and spout all this stuff he thought I wanted to hear when I tried to leave in the past, how he didn’t want a life without me in it, how he loved me... All when I was trying to get out. Of course I stayed because he was threatening to kill himself.

At another convention, two weeks after my appendix surgery, we wore matching FNAF Pirate Cove tops (because matching tops were his way of showing he owned me, turns out.) I got talking to some guys about FNAF, ignoring him. It was when one of the guys mentioned that he was watching a youtuber play Five nights at Fuckboys at the moment, I instantly interjected with “Markiplier?”, who of course it was. At the mention of Mark, more people perked up and joined in the conversation, isolating my then-boyfriend more because he didn’t watch Mark.

I was in a lot of pain after the first night, I spent most of the convention in my hotel room in pain, which annoyed him because he wanted to party, and I wasn’t with him. I ended up calling my dad who came to take me home two days early, which my new Markiplier-friends came to see me off and say goodbye. Of course that annoyed him too.

I’m pretty sure this was the point that he realised that it wasn’t FNAF that he had to try and take from me. It wasn’t FNAF that was helping me make the friends that he wanted to keep away. It was Mark.

From then on, he’d do everything in his power to ruin Mark for me, to make him seem like an asshole, to make me stop watching his videos. Combining this with other things that I cared about, he was starting to get desperate. His control over me was slipping. I was starting to stand up for myself and he didn’t like it.

He’d get annoyed when I started watching Prison Break with my mum because I didn’t tell him what I was doing. He got annoyed that I wouldn’t text him back, whilst I was at work, in 2 minutes. He resorted to trying to buy me, buying me gifts and food, taking me places, surprising me with things in an attempt to buy me back.

He lashed out at me for not wanting to go swimming, because he wanted to see me in a swimsuit and ignored my anxiety and low self esteem making me freak out. He got extremely angry with me for going to bed without giving him a hug, because he’d insulted me and I didn’t want to be near him. He fed me lies about how all the new friends I was making were only trying to get into my pants, how none of them really liked my company and that if Mark were here, he’d be doing the same. It’s “all they wanted”, to get into my pants, he was “protecting” me. One of my favourite singers thought I was stupid because of one line in one song.

The final straw - for him - was when, on my birthday, I didn’t facetime him when opening my presents. When I did. This is when he stopped talking to me. In six weeks he’d moved on to another girl, one he worked with. He was being rude and cruel to me, so I finally deleted him from my facebook. I didn’t want to see it. I wasn’t coping well as it was. Everything I had known for the last four years had gone, and I was left alone because he kept stopping friendships before they formed. A barrage of insults came in the form of texts. As soon as he realised I’d deleted him and his friends, and that he couldn’t monitor me anymore, he flew off the handle. I crumbled completely. I was signed off work. I was a mess. Sadly, all this happened around the time of Daniel’s passing, so Mark wasn’t uploading. That’s when I turned to Jack’s videos. He wasn’t Mark, but he was funny, and he gave me a welcome distraction from all the pain and distress I was feeling.

Since then, Mark and his videos have been my go-to before-bed entertainment, time zones and all that fun stuff. He’s what’s making me strive to better myself, to move past the barriers and fears that the abuse has left me with. To push myself, to do that cosplay, to post that drawing. Dye my hair, buy the thing, put myself out there. I’m still trying. I’m still pushing myself. I’ll get there with attempting youtube myself one day, It’s just getting the software to do it, and then i’ll have to put my face out there, which is something I hate doing. But I’ll do it. I left work because, despite it being a terrifying thing to commit to doing, I deserved to be treated better. I am capable of so much more, I just need to believe in myself and know that I can do it if I put my mind to it.

And I believe all of this because of Mark. He believes in us as a community, and us as an individual. No one has told me that as often as Mark tells us all. All I have ever wanted is to make people happy, but now I don’t feel like I have to sacrifice my own happiness for others. I can make them happy, without demeaning myself, or decreasing my value and self worth. I’m funny, I make people laugh, I’m smart and creative, and that’s not a bad thing to say. I’m not blowing my own trumpet by saying that. I’m giving myself the value and credit I deserve because It’s far too easy to say that I’m not smart, that I’m not creative and I only make people laugh by fluke.

I have talents and abilities. I shouldn’t belittle them because they make me who I am, I need to embrace them, not push them aside.

I know this may seem like I’m putting Mark on a pedestal, but I assure you I am not. I feel indebted to him, yes, because I credit him as the catalyst that gave me the strength needed to save myself. Something that no one else had done in the four years I was in that relationship.

Genuinely and Honestly Mark, If you read this, Thank you. I owe you so much. I don’t know where I would be now had I not been introduced to you and your videos. Your sense of humour matches mine so well that I can’t help but laugh with you, even when I don’t feel like smiling. You have inspired me to do more with my life, to take a leap of faith, to push myself and try new things.

It sounds stupid and fan girly, but I honestly love you, so much. You have changed my life for the better, and I someday hope that I can repay you for saving me

[survivormontenegro]

Episode 15 (Finale): “I COULD LITERALLY WIN A TUMBLR SURVIVOR SEASON WHAT IS THIS LIFE” - Ali

Did that vote make me a villain? Cuz I don't think I can avoid that anymore. But did it screw my chances of winning? Did it add to my resume? Did it make sense? Who do I work with next? Do people understand that Ali is gonna win this game? Is Ali gonna win another immunity challenge? Can I get him voted off or is it smarter to get him to vote with me, because its Benj and I and we need one more. I have more questions after last night than I started, but knowing that Benj was going to vote Jones I didn't think I had much of a choice.

JONES WHEN U SEE THIS ILY IM SO SORRY :((((((

breakdown.

Seamus enjoyed seeing me suffer with maths and black rotating puzzle

Ok so Ali won immunity so cant use idol on himself so im in the F4 hehe (unless hes seriously been playing me this entire time LMAO)

My 0 votes will prob be ruined tho but oh well still a huge improvement from 20 in kili

honestly think im losing in any F3 scenario ugh im gonna be a 2 time ftc loser LOL kinda iconic tho

regardless this has been one of the most fun games ive ever played hehe

I am trying my best to stay safe this round. I think it would be crazy for them to let me make it to F4, not that I think I am gonna win, but the momentum is definitely with Ali, Tom, and Jason, and I seem like the logical vote.

With that, there are some things I would like to say about the game. I'm actually pretty proud of the way I played. I know it wasn't the most graceful, or the most honest or loyal. I votes out Alex when he really trusted me. I flopped on Jules to win my way back in with that side. I stuck by Mo, but ultimately let him go when I had no choice, and then I did the same thing but more dramatically with Jones. I helped idol out the power player Mitch, but my strongest attribute was creating tight relationships with people who always felt they need to get that extra vote, Tom, Ali, Benj, Alex, Jones, Mo. The closeness has always made me less of a target, I hope not because they think I'm not a threat, but rather because they think I might be that swing vote for them. I feel like I have largely been the only one to make real decisions in this game except for Mitch, because Benj followed whoever told him to vote what, and Tom and Jason only make decisions because they just need to target whoever targets them. Ali and I are suppose to be in a secret bond, but the only time we vote together is when I switch and vote with him (Alex and Jones). I was the flip vote with Jason on Jules. I helped make the decision to vote out Mitch. I told Ali that I think it needs to be Jason this time. If I make it through this that would be soooo freakin fun. If I don't I worked my magic to try to get the target off of me, and so far I think the vote is Jason v Benj (sorry Benj that I had to convince Jason that I could work with him in the case that he idols). The biggest kink to that game is Ali winning those immunities, because truly I think the F5 would have been so different. Him winning rn changes everything and I can truly see the chinks in my strategy and gameplay now. I'm a mess, but I'm a calculating emotional mess, so hey points for me right?

okay so Jason left, which is really good news. He was clearly a major threat, and I acheived my goal (admittedly with no contribution to Mitch going) of Mitch, Jones & Jason being three boots in order.

So I'm in the final four with Caeleb, Benj and Tom. AND TOM IS NOW TARGETTING ME THAT MUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPET. I saw this coming, I knew he would, he thinks he is gonna pull a fast one on me, but little does he know Benj is the KINGEST KING, and we've been allies since the first round.

So I really REALLY wanna win final four immunity, because it might be the Final Immunity and I am cautiously optimistic that if I can just make FTC, I can win this whole thing. If I win immunity, I'm voting out Caeleb with Benj and Tom, who will... kicking and screaming have to vote with me ajkdslfa.

I think no matter what, I'll be able to go to firemaking this round at worst, since I think Benj is firmly in my corner. And I've been dominant in challenges thus far, and could hopefully continue to do so? We will see ahh.

I just desperately want to win immunity this round, because then I can vote Caeleb out and drag Tom to F3. mwahahahahahahahahahaha. HE WILL HAVE TO SIT WITH ME IN A FINAL THREE, like it or not!

I'm literally so close to FTC this is gonna drive me insane. If its a F3, I think I'm literally a challenge away from winning this season, I could truly SCREAM hnnnnnnnnnngh.

There's so much riding on this next immunity challenge. Like so much. And i just realized that I have no won immunity since Merge and everyone else left has, so umm here's hoping.

I WON FINAL IMMUNITY OH MY GOD. i literally.. my heart was pump pumping so fast, when Caeleb won the first two rounds I literally was gonna throw up/throw something/throw a fit.

But HNNNGH I won (and I filmed my reaction, which I'll upload), and I need to vote off Caeleb in my opinion. Benj is a king, but he hasn't done as much as me in this game, and Tom is solidly getting third place I think at this stage, so I think I have a great shot.

IM SO CLOSE ASKLDFAF. I COULD LITERALLY WIN A TUMBLR SURVIVOR SEASON WHAT IS THIS LIFE.

I know that this game is an emotional mess. And HELL I have been an emotional mess. But this I think is the first time that I'm actually angry. 6 immunity wins? Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell? I coulda made it to FTC, and like I'm not done yet I'll keep fighting so hopefully I can make it. But in normal circumstances I would be there. I just. Am so. Livid. There's no strategy involved when you can't vote someone out consistently. Now I have to fight tooth and nail just to have a shot and go against the freakin contender to win. Like its so disheartening, and Ali is a sweet guy sure, but he hasn't even made half the moves I have. His biggest move and most unexpected? Voting out Julia. If I get my chance to make it to FTC I'll have a lot to say, but I don't think its looking up for me at this point.

this is the worst video i've ever filmed nobody watch this

I CANT BELIEVE I MADE F3 AGAIN!!!!!

WOWOWOWOW

and with Ali our day 1 duo actually did it WTF?

Tom king too the anzacs made it

I know im losing but its been SO FUN!!

Good memories only

Okay so... FTC was yesterday, and I kind of want to do a final wrap up confessional, just to kind of bring some personal closure.

So it seems unless a lot shifts, that I am decisively going to win this game. I'm so unbelievably excited, I've literally only ever come second in survivor games, so to have finally snatched the win genuinely means a lot. It shows me that 2019 truly has been a year of real emotional growth for me, and the personal roadblocks I've put in front of myself that have cost me games in the past, have been lifted and I have my act together much much more.

FTC was... just such a weird experience yesterday, I always get dragged at FTCs, particularly live ones. I've only done two ever (Athena: All Stars and BB Pokemon: Orre) and both times, not a single juror spoke positively about my game that was present. To have jurors come on, and say that I unequivocally played the best was such a bizarre experience, but I love all the jurors so much and their high estimation of me is genuinely so flattering.

With that said, FTC was also a really rough experience. I love Benj and Tom with my full heart, and watching Tom get relentlessly told he was rude was tricky because I know how good of a guy he really is, and how well he meant with everyone. Benj was rough because... it seems I just outplayed him, and him mentioning our duo in his opening statement when I didn't at all... was really rough because I felt partly at fault for his dragging. I just love both of them, so it was hard.

I also feel bad for what I was like in confessionals this season, from memory at some point, I went in on JJ, Mo and Caeleb in confessionals, and while I apologised for all, I still feel awful that I let myself get so worked up in this game to sort of snap at them? Like Mo is a genuine friend of mine, so the fact that he wrote like... a sentence and I got so pressed is really stupid, I love Mo so much and hope I can make it up to him. Caeleb I got so mad at after the Jones' idol play for literally no reason... like he outplayed me that round, and its so pathetic that I got mad at him for that. I think Caeleb played a PHENOMENAL game, and did so well.

If I had to predict the POTS of the season, I would say my top three would be Jones, Caeleb and Mitch. Jones is... Jones, she is so likable and has such charisma and hold over people, and her idol play was arguably the most impressive move of the season. Caeleb was someone I underestimated to such at the start of merge, but he played such an impressive middle game, and would've had my vote if I was voted out at F3. Mitch it sounds like was hated by the jury, but I think he played amazingly? Like he has been a target since F20, his name was thrown out so many times, and I just think he did so good? I lowkey think he would be my player of the season to be honest.

I wanna talk about the other jurors particularly that I haven't really referenced in this. Alex is someone I somehow feel most guilty about voting out? He is just such a genuinely good guy, and I think I had this preconceived notion of him as like a gamebot, when he is just so wholesome, I can't wait for him to return, and make single digits. scratch that, I can't wait for him to return and WIN.

I also wanna talk about Jules. I am such a Jules warrior? Like... such a Jules warrior? They were such a pleasure to work with, and I just love them so much. I did them dirty by not idoling them/telling them they were going, but they are someone I have SO much time, love and respect for.

Who else, omg JASON! He was the perfect final juror for yesterday's FTC, someone who went easy on Tom who needed that, and just... is such a wholesome good guy, I love Jason.

Anyway, this is already really, really long so I need to wrap this up. I just want to say how happy this season has made me, and how much of a pleasure its been apart of. I joined the ORG community right before a lot of messy personal stuff came my way, and a lot of my org memories are tied to that. I used to let my personal drama get itself interwoven in my games, and I would just be so emotional. To have a game where I could play hard, cracked and WELL, and just have fun has been such a pleasure, and Im so emo about it.

I just wanna thank the hosts again too, I literally am a full on Asya, Drew, Johnny and Seamus WARRIOR, I love all four of them for hosting my favourite org experience EVER, its been amazing. I've been such a crackhead, was the only OG Budva Tumblr Survior newbie to make merge, spammed my host chat with an unbelievable number of messages, been AWFUL at the bridge idol hunt system yet ended up with two idols, been a crackhead (bears repeating because of how much of a mess i was), its been... a time KLADSF

But yes. I just have had a phenomenal time, crackheads are gonna crackhead and this brit is joining the tumblr survivor royal family, and I truly could not be more excited.

[pleasesortmeintohufflepuff]

“So I finally saw the new cast...“

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Fan Review July 2, 2017

Part I: Introduction and review on Jamie Glover as Harry Potter

Introduction

Thanks to a friend who won the Friday Fourty I saw the new cast for the first time on a sunny Sunday, July 2. Seated in row BB 23 in the stalls, right at the “Draco corner“ (as I call it in my mind) I couldn't believe my luck! I have seen the original cast several times already, I went to London in the middle of May just to catch them before cast change. It was hard to let them go. But I also was very excited to see new faces and I have read tumblr reviews on the new cast hungrily. As house elf Leo (he has grown a magnificent beard since I last saw him in May by the way) told me at the entrance to the foyer of the Palace Theatre, it was maybe good that I didn't come immediately after the cast change. Now the actors had a month to settle into their roles. In the following review I will note down some thoughts on differences and similarities between the portrayals of the original cast and the second cast, on outstanding performances and on small details which I happened to notice.

The Golden Trio

Harry Potter/Jamie Glover

So this is my personal opinion but I'll mark the day someone surpasses Jamie Parker's portrayal of Harry by dancing dressed only in a cushion cover and a tea cozy in the market place in my town. Really. I'll upload the video of it when it happens. For now I'll have to wait. I understand if it's said that you shouldn't compare actors that way but I'll do it anyway. You can portray a character in a different way or in your own way and nail it (like in my opinion Samuel did with Scorpius or Theo did with Albus). Or you play him in a way that doesn't live up to the character. And that's what happened with Jamie G. and Harry I think.

As I've read before on tumblr and I have seen it confirmed myself: he doesn't make the best of Harry's lines. There're so many places where Harry shines, but if you read through the script so seriously it just doesn't work. It makes Harry a kind of dull character as compared to Jamie P.'s version of him. What I think Jamie G. still doesn't get about Harry is his humorous, adventorous and angry side. It's like seeing a soft pastel picture after staring into a kaleidoscope of bright colours. What Jamie G. does very well in some scenes is showing Harry's pain. Especially the scene „how many had to die for the boy who lived“ between him and Ginny was very good. You could believe Harry is suffering. Then again Jamie P. has shown a deeper or different understanding of the character's fragility and suffering by displaying clear PTSD symptoms throughout the play by his body language. When I first saw it, as for example in the scene where Harry is sitting on the stairs, having a nightmare, clawing at his arm in that strange way in his half conscious state, I was shocked to see Harry in such a way. It deepened my own understanding of the character as someone who had survived such terrible things and is still suffering from them. It really helps the audience to sympathize with the character. Whereas Jamie G. was only playing asleep in that scene. (I wonder if Jamie P. came up with this extreme portrayal himself or if he got inspired by the books, where the “fits“ Harry experiences during his nightmares or visions are described.) Another point where Harry shows his pain is in the very last scene with Albus. Jamie G.'s way of talking was rather calm, whereas Jamie P.'s voice was trembling, showing how hard it is for him to open up to Albus about his innermost fears.

What else Jamie P.'s portrayal taught me more about adult Harry was that he still had his youthful energy and his adventorous spirit in him. The way he bursts into his office to tell Hermione about his successful raid on Nott, all enthusiasm and elation in his voice. When I saw and heard this for first time I thought “Wow! That's still Harry at 14 or 17. All excited about having just solved a riddle or having won a fight! That's him all right.“ Whereas Jamie G. more or less walks in and smiles contently at her as after having finished a Power Point presentation at an important meeting

So what else I felt was toned down was Harry's anger. Harry can get really shouty and blow up with anger. We know it especially from the books. This character trait was shown so well by Jamie P. in the ,,not my son“ scene with Albus that it was hard to watch. Again this was pretty toned down by Jamie G.

Staying with things that were hard to watch: Harry's/Jamie P.'s artificial cheerfulness when he got rejected and rejected by Albus all over again. Especially shortly before the “not my son“ incedent when after being rejected by Albus he still offers to help Albus to pack for Hogwarts. You see he knows he is failing, and he babbles on about packing for Hogwarts and how he enjoed it, but that Albus doesn't like it much. It's really heartbreaking to watch and hear that tone in his voice. It really shows how hurt he is but that he's still trying desperately. Again not used well by Jamie G. who could have made more of those lines. Especially when you think of how later Ginny tells Harry that Albus notices when he puts on a facade.

But most I was missing Jamie P's humour or Harry's moments that had potential to be amusing for the audience. When Jamie P. said that line about second years not wanting to be seen with their dads. All fond amusement in his voice. When he slid on his knees on the floor in front of Hermione's library when he was “Scorpius“. Or when he said “and you're still talking to me?“ to Ginny in a way that made the audience laugh. That was missing. Where Jamie G. and Jamie P. both got good laughs though was after the line “There're many things you're good at, Albus!“

Then I missed all the tender touches in the very last scene when they talk about Albus being good at heart. How Harry/Jamie P. touches his son's chest to emphasize what he is saying and how he playfully shoves him away when Albus proclaims he wants to go into pigeon racing. This scene is done differently by Jamie G. and Theo. Jamie G. doesn't touch him until the very last lines. Then he puts an arm around Albus' shoulder and Albus quickly stares down on Harry's hand on his shoulder all surprised. Maybe the new idea is to save it all up until the end.

So generally speaking I found Jamie G's performance of Harry much too stiff and serious. I don't know if this is his understanding of Harry or if he didn't find his way to Harry yet. I will look out for reviews on him, since I'm very curious how he still might develop his own version of Harry given time. You have other opinions on Jamie G. or saw him perform differently maybe? (I've seen him only once, so I don't have anything to compare one of his performances to another.) Please comment!

So I'm stopping for now, but I will continue with the other members of the Golden Trio next.

[sweetnestor]

Story of Another Us | Week 11

university au, platonic af, now on ao3!

previous chapter | masterlist | playlist

My heart is here, it’s such a cause

I didn’t expect a phone call, text message, or any interaction from Mark. I probably should have been the one to go to him. Apologize for being stupid and getting too close to his friend. However, given from the silence between us since that night, I figured that he wanted me to stay away. I wasn’t even sure if I could still call him my boyfriend, and that terrified me. I desperately wanted to talk to him, but he was angry with me and I couldn’t really blame him.

This silence only forced me and Jack to carry on as usual. We went to class together that morning, earlier than usual since we decided it was best not to go back to Mark’s while he was in this mood. This left me with no time to dress presentably or do any makeup, and Jack had to call his girlfriend and rely on her to get his videos uploaded. Not to mention, the car ride from my apartment all the way to YTU was much longer than if we had gone from Mark’s house.

Speaking of YTU, campus was even more empty these days. There were only about six weeks left in the semester. Six weeks until the place closed down for good. There was really no point in coming anymore, according to the students who lived in the area. I, on the other hand, needed to get my money’s worth from these fucking classes, and so did Jack.

“You feel like meeting people?” he asked, pointing out the small group of people standing around the entrance to the main parking lot.

The one day I didn’t put on makeup. I drove past the group and parked somewhat far from the main office. I thought about it as we got out of the car, but I didn’t have much choice. The group had followed my car to where we parked.

Technically, we weren’t supposed to meet fans here, but Jack was more than happy to break the rules since “there’s no one here to tell us we can’t!” Plus, campus was closing down anyway, so fuck it.

“You’re Bella Santiago, right?” one girl asked me, which was surprising. I thought they were here for Jack. “Can I get a selfie? I really love your videos!”

It happened very quickly. I smiled for the picture, the girl thanked me and went to get a picture with Jack. Another person came up to me, smiling wide.

“Your anxiety video made me cry! It was so touching!” she told me.

“Aw, thank you!” I replied, instantly a lot happier. “That means a lot!”

A sudden wave of praise came from the group, all of them saying that the video was really good. It made me feel warm and pleasant. So maybe I wasn’t so depressing after all. I was expecting to be brushed off, especially since most of the group seemed to know Jack. But they were all really kind.

However, it didn’t last long. A campus security guard whisked us away, and practically yelled at the group to get off property. Jack and I pretty much had no choice but to follow him inside the main office.

“You guys are not allowed to interact with fans, you know that, right?” he told us sternly. “You’re only going to attract more people here.”

“Well, it’s not like we asked them to come over here,” I said back. “The place is closing anyway, why does it matter?”

Jack gave me an incredulous look as we walked through the main office. It wasn’t exactly typical of me to talk back, and he had never seen me be this way before.

“I’m just doing my job, Miss,” the guard told me before walking off.

I rolled my eyes and went out to the courtyard. That’s when Jack finally spoke.

“I’ve never heard you talk like that before,” he said. “You sounded really… ballsy.”

I chuckled. “I guess when it comes to the people who watch my videos, I take no shit.”

“That’s good. Really bold of you.”

It wasn’t until we got to class that we both tweeted out apologies to the people we met in the parking lot. I had to refrain from ranting publicly. Instead, I focused on what it was like to meet those people. In my time of have a sizeable following, I was noticed seldomly. It wasn’t until I was associated with Mark did it start happening more. You would think being approached by random people would make my anxiety spike…

Instead, it just made me tired and irritable. By the time we got home from class, I was looking forward to a ten year nap. Jack was still peppy and perky and talking off my last nerves. However, being the avoidant little shit I was, I just let him be. Listening to him also meant I could avoid checking my phone for any interaction from Mark. I really didn’t want to be the one to start that conversation.

“So, are we going to record today?” That was the only thing I caught from his long ramble.

I thought about it. “Are you up for it?”

“Yeah!”

We were supposed to make a video for my channel today. I had to do that today. Despite everything, this had to be done. I couldn’t be a stick in the mud.

“Okay,” I said, my eyes trailing up to Jack’s hair. “How overdue are you for dying your hair?”

He ran his fingers through the faded green locks in thought. I could see his brown roots peeking out and I almost audibly gasped. I had to get my hands on them.

“You wanna do that for a video?” he asked.

“Is it a bad idea? We could do something else…”

“No, no it’s your channel, you hold all the cards here.”

~

“Hey guys, it’s Bella!” I greeted happily to the camera set up in the living room. “Today I’m here with my friend Jack, and I’m gonna dye his hair and bleach his roots.”

Jack was sitting in a chair in front of me, a towel over himself. His hair was slightly all over the place, given that I was touching it and messing with it earlier to see what exactly I needed to do for this look. He was pretty pleased about this, given that I wasn’t going to charge him for doing this for him. He needed a new coat of green hair, and I needed a new video to post. It’s a win-win.

“So, this is partly a tutorial and partly two friends hanging out,” I explained.

“Twice the fun,” Jack said in a mock happy tone.

“Let’s get started!”

I mixed the bleach in a plastic bowl with a brush and explained how to do so before applying it to Jack’s roots. I also read off the box just to make sure I wasn’t doing anything wrong. “‘Do not use if you are not a licensed cosmetologist.’ Oops!”

“You’re not licensed?” Jack asked in mock surprised. “You’re a fraud!”

“Whoops, you caught me!”

“No, but really, didn’t you go to beauty school?”

“I did, but I never finished it because of YTU. So technically, I shouldn’t be allowed near these products.”

I continued applying the bleach, surprisingly at ease. Hair knowledge was right underneath my makeup knowledge, and it was fun getting my hands on some hair again. Although, since it was only the top of Jack’s head that needed the fix, the first step was done a lot quicker than expected.

“Somehow I forgot that you don’t have that much hair to bleach and dye,” I pointed out. “How much time do you usually spend in a salon?”

“Oh god, like two hours,” he replied, rolling his eyes. “It takes forever!”

“Dude, my hair takes at least four or five hours,” I told him, pointing to my long, black and pink ombre. “You’re lucky!”

“How can you be so patient? I go crazy just sitting in the chair!”

“It’s fun for me.” I smiled.

The next step after washing off the bleach was the color. I chose a vibrant green that wasn’t too off from previous shades that Jack has had before. For me, this was the easiest part.

“With bleach, you have to be careful not to leave it on for too long,” I explained, “especially with darker hair because it’s very easy to damage it a lot. So you have to constantly keep an eye on it and see how quickly the hair catches onto it. With the actual color, you just have to apply it and wait it out. Usually the formula will have some type of vitamins and stuff that’s good for the hair. But it’s still a good idea to get some hydrating conditioners and other hair products on the side.”

“See, I wish my hairdresser in Ireland had told me this,” Jack said. “Everything makes a lot more sense now!”

Once we finished and cleaned everything up, Jack had wonderful, bright green hair. I was relieved I hadn’t lost my hair styling skills over time. As soon as the camera turned off, I pretty much hid away in my bedroom, the depression returning. I crawled into bed and sighed in relief. I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread and gloominess for some reason. It was like I drained the last of my energy in that video.

I scrolled on my phone, looking at the pictures that were posted from the impromptu meetup earlier. I looked awful without my makeup. How could people see me as a beauty guru? How could I go outside looking like that?

So much for finding comfort on Twitter… I went to Tumblr instead, and I had to resist making a long, rambly post. Then I realized that no one would want to see a wall of text clog up their dash. I just looked at my feed, reblogging pictures of makeup I already owned, liking posts people mentioned me in. There were cute edits and gifsets of me and Mark, which only made my heart ache.

I wasn’t sure why I got so angry with him. Maybe I did get too close to Jack. Maybe I had done things that gave off the wrong idea. Or maybe I just wasn’t attracted to Mark and that’s why I didn’t want to get into bed with him. Maybe I was just faking my anxiety this whole time.

~

It felt like time was going slow, or not moving at all. I wasn’t sure if I had fallen asleep or gotten up at all. I could only tell time by the sound of Jack’s voice outside my door. He was recording his own videos and acting like everything was okay. I wish I knew how to act like that off camera.

I started feeling restless and antsy when his voice finally stopped. A constant background noise was something I needed, otherwise I’d go crazy. I rolled onto my side, listening for any kind of sound to break the silence. No footsteps, movements, or anything from the TV did that. It was like Jack had disappeared. Wouldn’t blame him.

Honestly, though, I still didn’t want to interact with anyone. I just liked hearing someone else in the apartment. I went to take a shower. Any sound from there would block out the ongoing gloom in my head.

I pretty much just sat there. Actual hygiene wasn’t important to me at the moment. The water was hitting my scalp and, while it was deteriorating the black and pink dye in my hair, it felt good. It gave me a sense of feeling again. Like a breath of fresh air, except it was water. I coughed and choked. It was better than not feeling anything.

When I was out of the shower and getting dressed, I heard noise within the apartment. I heard voices. Angry voices. Maybe I really did go crazy. Although, the mere thought did make me leave my room to actually make sure that wasn’t true.

I found Jack and Mark standing in the living room. They went quiet as soon as I showed up. The air was tense, making my stomach flip over. To be honest, I didn’t expect Mark to show up so soon.

“You still let him stay here?” he asked me in disbelief.

Yes I did, and I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave me. I’m so sorry for being a terrible girlfriend, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…

Those words were rising up my throat, ready to be puked out. I was fighting with myself not to speak those words. I couldn’t apologize for letting my friend live here.

“It was me,” Jack spoke up. “I asked if I could still stay here. I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize how bad the situation was.”

“You’re telling me,” Mark began, not sounding any less angry, “that even after I told you how uncomfortable I was with you living with my girlfriend, you still had the nerve to ask her if you could still keep living here?”

Jack gulped, clearly intimidated. “Yes.”

“What kind of friend are you?”

“Oh my god!” I snapped, my body trembling with nerves. I couldn’t control my mouth. “You’re the one who made him stay here in the first place! You’re the one who pushed us to be friends! You’re the one who felt enough pity for me to fly your friend out here and talk to me because I can’t do that on my own! ¿Y sabes que? You don’t get to be angry that Jack and I are friends now! You don’t get to be angry because he’s here for me more than you are, that’s on you! So don’t come crying over here quejando y quejando because you’re the one who made all this happen in the first place!”

I was breathing heavily and my chest was hurting. Mark and Jack had their mouths open in shock. When have they ever heard me speak this way? I didn’t think I could speak this way either.

Thankfully, the silence didn’t last long. Mark sighed and nodded to my open bedroom door. “Room.”

Still fuming, I turned on my heel and went to my room, Mark quickly following my trail. Before I shut the door, I saw Jack quickly scurry over to his room to hide. Lucky him, he gets to sit this one out.

“What do you mean he’s here for you more?” Mark asked, breathing like he was trying to keep himself steady. “What do you mean by that?”

“Exactly that, you’re never here,” I told him. “And you asked Jack to move here, without so much as giving me a heads up!”

“I didn’t ask him, I told him that you had an extra room, and you were happy to let him stay!” Mark justified.

“Because you put me on the spot! That doesn’t matter now anyway, I’m actually glad he’s my roommate, because as I said, he’s my friend and he’s there for me!”

“Stop saying that!” Mark nearly yelled, making me flinch. However, he took a step back and lowered his tone. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you feel like I’ve been neglecting you. I have been busy, I’ve been going to meetings and making videos, and this tour thing. I do all of this while you’re on campus, and I try to get things done, I do. Aside from that, I’ve got Matt and Ryan, and it’s like I’m raising kids! I’m not trying to use that as an excuse either, but I am sorry I can’t always be here. It’s not fair to you.”

Time management was something we had established when we first started dating. For some reason, I didn’t think it was going to be this hard. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all. This was all part of the vlogger dating experience, after all.

“So you’re not avoiding me?” I asked.

“Of course not.”

“I wouldn’t blame you if you were, I know I’m a handful.”

“Don’t say that, Bella. I know things are hard right now, but I will make a better effort to be with you.”

I paced around the room to avoid looking at him. “Okay… so, what about Jack?”

Mark shrugged. “What about him?”

“Am I not allowed to be friends with him anymore? He’s the only friend I’ve got.” I hated saying that, it just emphasized my patheticness.

It felt worse when Mark hesitated. “I don’t know. Do you really not have anyone else?”

“No…” I said softly. “No, and it sucks. I only have you and him, two whole people. And I know I should try to talk to more people, but god you have no idea how hard it is!”

“I know. You deserve to have friends, even if it’s only one or two. I’m sorry I made a big deal out of you and Jack. I just want you to trust me,” Mark confessed. “I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be for you, and I’m sorry if I made it harder. Just know that I am here for you, whenever you need me. I promise.”

That’s a big word that adds more pressure. But who was I to deny him? Words could only do so much, but god I couldn’t go down to have only one friend. Especially if that friend wasn’t going to stay here permanently.

“Okay,” I said. “Fine…”

“Okay.” Mark sighed.

Don’t lose this one. He’s all you’ve got. You lose him, you lose everything...

_______

next chapter