#tumblr might not even exist by that time tbh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dropthedemiurge · 8 months

Text

Love for Love's Sake | Messages you didn't notice #6 | Sunbae Theory

I wanted to add this to my previous post about other messages and their translation and theories (here) but it was becoming too long, so I'm posting it separetely.

Guys, I kept thinking about the fact that we never got to learn more about the meaning of these "random" messages. And then I realized I was overthinking it too much.

ALL THESE MESSAGES WERE ACTUALLY FROM MYUNGHA'S SUNBAE WHO MISSED HIM IN REAL LIFE!!!

In the final episode there's a moment when the last message shows up, and the author is finally written.

"I hope that place sparks your hope. From sunbae."

After we learn Myungha's full backstory, we now know "that place" means "afterlife". And if you look back on all the messages it MAKES SENSE, if you think that these are messages that are still coming on Myungha's phone from a friend – or, if we consider that everything is happening in Myungha's head, these are the thoughts about him by someone else.

Sunbae missed Myungha who was suddenly gone from life.

[In May, there is Children's Day, Parents' Day, there is even Teacher's Day but there is no Day when I can meet you] [I was passing by and saw a bracelet that you used to wear long time ago. It reminded me of you. I wonder if you still wear that bracelet.] [I broke a vase that was a gift from you. Can it be repaired?] [I thought only you dressed like that but others do too. I knew it wasn't you but I still followed. But why would you be dressed like that] (last sent messages) [I miss you. If only I could go there…] [Everything depends on what you'll do. Get yourself together.] [I hope that place sparks your hope. From sunbae.]

Tell me if these messages don't look like they were written by someone mourning the loss of a dear person. Someone who might be still sending messages to the number that will never reply anymore (and Myungha never did!). A chat that has become a diary of memories and longing, filled with a ghost of someone whose specific details you keep noticing in your everyday life. There is no Day when they can meet anymore. If only he could see him again...

I'm not sure about the vase but Myungha wore a bracelet in the beginning of the story (that was the first detail we notice about him tbh when he looks through the novel draft in the very first scene).

Someone else on Tumblr has expressed a theory that sunbae is a friend (or someone who loved Myungha) who decided to commemorate his friend in a written novel because they wanted to give him a happy life instead of a miserable one Myungha lived in real life.

I am so on board with this theory, (even though I like the grim reaper/deity theory or Myungha creating the world for himself), I think sunbae did exist in real life. And he obviously cared about Myungha, whether his love was to teach him a harsh lesson or to commemorate him in a meaningful story. After all, isn't this what all authors do to their characters? They make them go through conflicts and breaking points in order to overcome it all and finally find a happy ending.

Maybe sunbae has regretted that Myungha was never able to accept the love that others wanted to give him so he wrote the story to change that. Maybe sunbae is actually Yeowoon who wanted to put Myungha in his shoes and teach him how to love and be loved – actually, remember young Yeowoon, who lost Myungha due to his decision to erase himself from the game, who cried and picked up a pen to bring him back, starting a mission to make Myungha happy.

Maybe this novel is a desperate attempt to make peace and hope that someone you lost could be still loved at last.

No matter what, Sunbae was surely grieving Myungha.

#haha joke on me i made myself teary writing this #love for love's sake comments #love for love's sake meta #love for love's sake #dropthemeta #kbl #korean bl #bl drama #bl series #tw suicide #tw death

251 notes · View notes

roturo · 1 year

Text

BITE ME

summary: being a vampire hunter wasn't easy, and it became rougher when you encountered a cute tall white-haired vampire that would change up your opinions about them

warnings: smut, blood, vampire!gojo x vampire hunter!reader, sub!gojo, dacryphilia, gojo cries during sex lmao, kinda rushed, piv, unprotected sex, overstimulation, kinda fucked dumb tbh, blood lust, like it was love at first sight yass, no one is in their right mind, just horny tbh, loved this idea, maybe oc gojo idk, bc he's such a cutie pie here, aghdhsagbdy this is cute that im even surprised, never wrote for sub!gojo but idk, enjoy.

TUMBLR IS BASED ON A REBLOG SYSTEM. PLEASE REBLOG MY WORK.

Since little you were taught many things, but the most important one is to always hate vampires.

Living in a community divided by unnatural human beings and well, humans, made society enter into a conflict if both kinds of communities should mix.

Your family was a well known vampire hunter, you lived in a forest far away from the city where most of the vampires usually exist between humans. Being a medical student made you learn a lot about the species that killed your dad. So being a recognized ‘vampire hunter’ wasn’t such a good thing.

Maybe that’s why you couldn’t stand being near them, nor living with them. That’s why when you had a vampire as a patient (who are most of the time the ½ vampires) you made sure of learning all about them, learning how to defend yourself from them, and even might kill them.

You have a specific freezer for human blood and some samples of whatever type of blood vampires have. Spending most of the time examining the different types of cells and differences from the human blood.

And that’s the thing. Having human blood and being alone in the middle of nowhere is not the safest option to avoid vampires.

Gojo Satoru is a well respected young vampire, not by his ancestors though, since he decided to live more of a ‘pacific lifestyle.’ Humans had this thing where vampires couldn’t feed themselves with human blood. At this rate he doesn’t know if the new generations are good for everyone or just for humans, and do not even dare to talk about animal blood, that’s disgusting.

But when he has the chance of drinking human blood, I'm telling you, this man becomes insatiable. Maybe that’s why society invented other types of supplements for vampires. But coming from a lofty clan, he couldn’t live from those disgusting things human called ‘’food’’

And well... when he saw this cute lady coming out from the hospital with a case full of blood bags (thanks to his supernatural power to identify the delectable human blood on his own) he couldn’t resist himself from following you until you got home.

Please let it be possible that vampires can be knocked out, you thought. You couldn't believe a vampire was standing right infront of your freezer looking for something. With all of the strength you could muster up, you swung the pan down right on his head, no doubt strong enough to give anyone a major concussion. Immediately, he fell to the ground, as lifeless as he wouldn’t be if he wasn’t a vampire.

“Holy shit…” You breathed out, shoulders high and tense. Looking down at him, you noticed how young he looked, and in all honesty, he didn’t look threatening at all. You felt a tinge of worry, wondering if he wasn’t a vampire after all, and you might’ve just killed him.

So that’s how you find yourself here and how you might met the love of your life.

Edging closer to the man, you bent down to see if he was breathing. He was completely still. That didn’t tell you much, though, as he could be dead or…the undead.

Thank god you had a basement here, especially if anything like this happened. I guess following your dad's steps really helped you out. Which was why it was the best place to drag the vampire into. Maybe you could keep him in there and question him on how the hell he got into your house, and at the same time, you could keep him at a safe distance from yourself.

He was much heavier than you thought he was, but you guessed that came from his height. He was still unconscious but you guessed that it wouldn’t be for long. Suddenly, two large hands grabbed the rusted metal bars from inside of the room and you screamed as his face had come into view like a jump scare.

“Get me out.”

You backed up from the window as far as you could, going to the other side of the room. You didn’t know why you were so scared, mainly because he was behind a locked door. You guessed that despite whatever vampire strength he had, he couldn’t get himself out.

Maybe it’s the hit on his head still playing games? The metal bars your dad gave you for this?

“What are you doing? Let me out!” He frowned. “Why did you put me in here?”

“W-why are you in my house?” You asked him. He didn’t say anything for a second.

‘’Ah.. shit.’’ Right, the blood bags. “Bitch, I was hungry!” He yelled back, making you recoil. Did he just call you a bitch? “That’s why I’m here, because I was hungry and I thought that maybe I could steal some of the blood bags you have.’’

‘‘Have you been stalking me?!’’ How does this vampire know about the blood bags?!

‘‘Uh-... no?... Yes.’’

You sighed. “Do you have anywhere else to go?”

“No…not really.” He said as if he was embarrassed. “I decided to drop out of college when I turned, so I can’t go back on campus.”

“You can stay here if you want.” You didn’t exactly feel sure about him staying here, but he might help you with your research. He’s still a vampire after all… he’s a threat. But fuck it, that's how you learn new things. You asked for his name after you told yours.

‘‘Okay… Gojo Satoru. But you have to stay in there for a while, until I trust you.’’

“What about when I’m hungry?” He asked.

“I’ll figure that out’’

“What about when I’m lonely?”

“...’’

The faint sound of Gojo calling in your name woke you up.

“What the fuck…?” You frowned, squinted eyes getting used to the sunlight. “Oh my fucking gosh.” You quickly got up from your bed, putting on your slippers, and stumbling out of your room, barely able to walk in a straight line. You stomped your way down two flights of stairs until you were met with Gojo holding on to the bars again. “What?!”

“Hi.” He greeted you. “It’s tomorrow, right? I can’t really tell since I’ve been locked in a basement of a dungeon with no light. But if it’s tomorrow, can I have a blood bag? It’s been weeks since I’ve eaten.’’

‘‘And why haven’t you eaten? There’s literal stores for you, vampires!’’

‘‘Ah.. well… I don’t like those.’’

‘‘What?...’’ You looked at him in disbelief for a few seconds. “You woke me up at 7 in the morning for a blood bag?”

“In my defense, I didn’t know it was 7.” He shrugged. You opened up the door of the cell, walking up the stairs, still tired from waking up only ten minutes ago. You heard him follow you, steps surprisingly light for someone as tall as he was.

He started looking around your house, kinda creepy for a vampire if you keep looking at weapons for them.

‘‘Um.. Are you a vampire hunter?’’

‘‘Yes.’’

He chuckled at your answer and sat on top of the table. ‘Why? Weren’t they banned like years ago? Humans even live with vampires, that’s silly from you.’’

‘‘Maybe I wouldn’t be silly if your kind didn’t killed my dad.’’

.... Shit. Maybe you shouldn't have said that.

‘‘Oh... I’m sorry.’’

You sighed, he didn’t mean it in a bad way, he shouldn’t receive this type of behavior from you.

‘‘It 's… okay. I’m not a vampire hunter like it, i’m more like a vampire examinator?’’ Well, you didn’t even think about that one before, if you didn’t want to kill vampires why are you doing this?

You handed him a blood bag from the freezer, watching his eyes light up made you slightly smile, he’s kinda cute. You woke up from your trance and slightly shook your head away from those thoughts.

“Remember not to rip it open and spill it.” You said. “Especially not on these old floors, it’ll soak right in.”

“Oh…right.” He said, twisting open the nozzle and drinking from there. You watched him down it in less than thirty seconds, his brows furrowed in concentration. After he was done, he set it down on the counter.

‘‘Uh.. Can I stay again tonight?... I can sleep on the floor again!’’

....

One night turned into two nights, and two nights turned into a week, and a week, turned into a month.

You found yourself smiling at him, not noticing how used to him you’ve gotten. He was very peculiar in the least, but you guessed that was mainly because of him being a vampire. You found yourself wondering what he was like when he was a human. It was weird to know that the two of you were always in such close proximity without knowing it. Maybe it was fate. You snapped back into reality once he smiled at you, and you didn’t even think to return the smile. Instead, you looked down at your hands, picking at your nails as if you were busy. Honestly, you were embarrassed to get caught looking at the handsome vampire with boyish charm.

“Y'know…you’ve been holding out really well, so far.” You told him. “You have even helped me with my researches, nothing that I didn’t knew about, but still helped me confirm me”

He turned to look at you. “Really?” He asked, eyes brightening up a little.

“Really.” You nodded with a smile, and he lazily smiled back. “So, I’ve decided to give you a little present.”

“A present? What is it?” He asked curiously, words muffled by the fact that he was still entranced by the tv and some vampire supplement you bought for him

“Guess.” You told him, feeling a bit mischievous. “I’ll give you a hint. It’s almost like…Why did we meet in the first place.”

“Hm?” He tilted his head to the side. “I’ve never hit you with a pan though? Or have I?” He furrowed his eyebrows in thought.

You rolled your eyes. “Don’t think too hard, you even called me bitch for it’’

“But I really can’t think of anything?” He said. “Can you just give me it? I’m not good at this guessing game…”

“Satoru…” You sighed, something was happening to you, on him... leaned towards him, softly caressing his cheek and giving him a small peck. That wasn’t the surprise, and you were as surprised as him when you did that. It’s just that his eyes looked so beautiful, his messy hair covering his forehead, and his cheeky smile while watching some shitty show on the tv... He froze in surprise, enough to not be able to kiss you back.

“Oh…” He chuckled nervously, and you swore something on him changed the moment he looked right into your eyes again. “Can you maybe do it again?” He asked.

You responded with another kiss, one that he had returned this time, except for more fervor. It was like he was waiting to kiss you, dreaming about your lips on his. Did this mean…that you felt the same? Were you as infatuated with him as he was to you? He doubted that it was possible. All without you knowing, he might’ve fallen in love. Falling in love with a vampire, what they trained you hate most... It only had to be fate that brought you two together.

“I really like you.” Gojo blurted out once you two parted.

“Do you mean that?” You asked him, slight insecurity peeking out from your otherwise hard shell. “I doubt you’ve met very many people in your life.”

‘‘Oh I have, but no one could compare to you sugar.’’ His lips attached to yours again, it’s like he was waiting for this moment his whole life.

¨S-satoru, wait!¨ He immediately stopped his actions, looking worried and for any kind of threat in you.

‘‘That wasn’t the surprise, you can try human blood again.’’

‘‘You got new blood bags? That’s amazing!’’ He was about to stand up from the couch when you stopped him sitting down on his lap, which made him froze.

‘‘I mean it's like… human, human. You can try my blood.’’

‘‘What?'' Silence passed.

''Are you sure? You’re not going to kill me or something right? I’ve seen those knifes you have in the basement and that could sure even kill Dracula.’’ You nodded and laughed at what he said.

He gulped, dark red eyes honing into the beating vein on the left side of your neck. He hesitantly bent down, nose to your neck as he took a big whiff of your sweet blood. He shut his eyes, fighting off the instinct to groan at just how good you smelled.

You chuckled at his reaction, ‘‘I mean it Satoru, this is me saying I like you too. I trust you.’’ With one more second of hesitation, he bit into your neck with his sharp fangs, and you felt a sharp pain. Your grip on his shoulders got tighter as you tried to distract yourself from the pain.

He couldn’t stop the moans of satisfaction at the magnificent taste of your blood, and you gradually noticed that something felt weird. You still felt the pain on the bite, but Gojo’s demeanor changed. It was almost as if he was enjoying it too much. His hands were grabby, not only on your hips, but in your waist and your bottom, and you gasped in surprise.

You started to notice what was going on when you felt how hard he was, his bulge pushing into your stomach.

¨’Toru…?’’ You breathed out, feeling light headed. He moaned, suddenly grinding his lower half into you. He then retracted his fangs, looking at you with wide, lust blown eyes, your blood dribbling down his chin.

“I’m s-sorry-“ He whined, placing you on the counter and rutting himself into you. “I’m so sorry, I-I don’t mean, to, I can’t help it-“ He broke out into an erotic moan, and despite how lightheaded and out of it you were, it aroused you to no end.

You assured him it was okay, looking into his eyes, you could find lust, but mostly embarrassment from it. You didn’t know that he could get this worked up from his own bloodlust, but you weren’t complaining. The only thing you had a problem with was the fact that there were too many clothes separating the both of you, but you didn’t think neither of you were in the right minds to seperate and take each article off.

“Can I be inside of you?” Gojo asked in between harsh breaths. “Please, please, please, I want to so bad-“ It was almost as if he was in pain, rutting into you so hard that you bounced on top of his lap each time. You nodded your head aggressively, opening your legs so you were caging his. You were wearing black leggings, and you thought that they’d be quick and easy to take off, but Gojo instead decided to rip them down the middle, doing so with ease.

“Satoru…!”

“Sorry! It’s just… I can’t take it any more baby..” He apologized over and over again, even as he released his cock from its confines, holding the thick base in between a shaky fist. He moved your panties to the side and slid in with one thrust. The both of you whined loudly at that, and he couldn’t wait any further before he started pounding into you with fervor. You heard the sound of your wet heat, but you didn’t care, mouth agape in a silent scream as he pounded into you with no remorse.

Well…some remorse. He couldn’t stop apologizing as he fucked into you, begging for you to forgive him for being so dirty and succumbing uncontrollable urges.

You yelped as he picked you up from the back of the couch, holding you in his arms as he dropped you on his cock over and over.

“Fuck!” You cursed. “M-more, more-“ You chanted, feeling his cock deep inside of you. You saw tears start to slide down his cheeks and he cried with pleasure. You clenched around him, wanting to see him unravel even more, which made him fuck you on his cock even faster, using you like a rag doll. His vampire strength had kicked in once he drank your sweet blood, something that he was afraid he’d get addicted on since he tasted you for the first time.

He was addicted to your warmth, your lips, your blood, and especially the way your pussy just sucked him in, holding tight and never letting go

“F-fuck, ‘toru, I’m cumming!” You moaned, your pussy convulsing around his cock and making him go crazy. You came around him, eyes rolling to the back of your head. He nearly slammed you into a wall, fucking you roughly, the slick from your cum making it easier to slide in and out of you.

You were extremely overstimulated, your abused pussy needing a break, but Gojo couldn’t stop. He let out nearly pornographic moans as he fucked you through yet another orgasm, not even noticing exactly what you were going through.

You just had to sit there, his cock inside of you, moaning his name again and again., taking just what he needed to give you.

“Oh fuck, (Y/N)-“ He whined, more tears spilling out of his eyes. You were out of it, dazed and cock drunk. “I’m gonna cum— ah!” He mewled out as he finally came, stilling inside of you as he filled you up. His legs shook as he shut his eyes tightly in pleasure.

After he finally calmed down, it was as if he returned to his senses. He quickly pulled out, immediately apologizing as you winced. He gently put you down, but your knees buckled, almost dropping to the floor, yet he caught you.

“(Y/N), I’m so sorry-“ He said, putting his softening member back in his pants. “I can’t believe I just did that to you, I really didn’t mean to, are you okay?“

“‘Toru, I’m fine.” You said to him, holding onto him tightly so you wouldn’t fall. You were still a bit lightheaded, but you were able to reassure him. “I didn’t expect it, but I’m really okay.”

“You shouldn’t have let me drink from you.” He said, tears still falling. “I’ve ruined everything, how could I get so out of-“

You interrupted him with a kiss to shut him up.

“Listen, ‘toru…” You said softly, the nickname making him calm down a bit. “You did nothing wrong. At all. I am more than fine. In fact…I really liked it.”

You watched as his ears got red. “Y-you liked…that? Did I not hurt you?”

You shook your head with a chuckle. “No. In fact…you made me feel really…really good.” You smiled, making him get even more flustered. “I’m just kind of tired. As good as you made me feel, you wore me the hell out.”

“I can carry you to your bed.” Gojo said, quick to pick you up. she then noticed your ripped leggings and destroyed panties. He gulped, feeling even more sorry. “And I can help you change into clothes that aren’t ripped…”

¨What if I tell you I want another round?¨

#gojo satoru x reader #satoru gojo #gojo satoru smut #gojo imagine #gojo satoru #jujutsu gojo #jujutsu kaisen smut #jujutus kaisen #jujustu kaisen #jjk smut #jjk #request #gojo x reader #jujutsu kaisen #jjk fluff #gojo satoru x reader smut

788 notes · View notes

breadnauppercrust · 1 year

Text

some designs i came up with for the girls in miraculous. the idea was 'what if they could have multiple outfits like sailor moon, as told by ginger, or totally spies?' and 'what if their clothes reflected their story arc?' however, i kind of gave up on them because i no longer have time to work on it as much as i would like to, so below this are copy+paste from my wip instagram account. lowkey its fanfiction-y lol

Alya:

Alya redesigns! tbh don’t know if they’re cohesive but 🤷‍♀️

S1: dresses for comfort & is geeky - think DrWho/Marvel/Tumblr. Obsessed w superheroes & has dedicated blog for each one, & that includes LB. Beginning of her & Maris friendship, starts to dates nino halfway s1.

S2: Mari influences her way of dress, still geeky but experimenting w clothes. Ladyblog becomes popular, interested in finding out her secret ID. Is also investigating akumas, HM, The Who/what/where/whys. Lowkey figures out who ladybug is but doesn’t say anything. Has been given fox miraculous at least a couple times.

S3: notices changes in Maris behavior & confronts her. Becomes fox miraculous holder full time, helps LB figure out who HM is & shares all the info she’s found. CN lowkey pushed to the side, causing friction, bc wrapped up w finding out who HM is ig. Constantly wears a Fanny pack now for trixx. Goes w comfortable but stylish clothes (ig lol idk) also at this point is BFF w Mari

Chloe:

S1: wears preppy designer brands to impress mom, despite living in diff countries. Basic mean girl, her only friends being Sabrina and Adrien - whose a childhood friend & lowkey helped him attend school. Both know how it feels to “lose” a parent & Adrien has seen a softer side of her. Probably has a crush on him ig. Maris bully, jealous of her talents at sewing & making friends easily, & prob her knit tight family.

S2: still preppy but w 60/70s inspo. Given bee miraculous a couple times, has resisted akumas - info she uses to help others later. Helping ppl & being somewhat nice makes her feel good & likes the appreciation from others+LB. Maybe Mom moves back to Paris w half sister, Zoe - might be significantly younger than Chloe idk. Didn’t like her at first but warms up to her as season goes on. Sees lil sister copying her & their mom, has an epiphany ig. Connects dots on akumas & feelings & tries to be better.

Should Zoe exist tho??? idk

S3: preppy but more casual. She’s nicer but still sarcastic, has made a few new friends, treating Sabrina better. Still trying to get moms approval tho & follows her around, even to fashion things w the Agreste. Notices Gabriel is acting strange, more distant towards Adrien, doesn’t notice what he’s doing or where he’s going. pt queen bee ig, probably given towards the very end of the season tbh by Adrien/CN after being ignored by LB bc of RR involvement w finding out HM id. AND noticing Chloe change significantly in the past several months (?) does Adrien reveal to her IDK he is still loyal to LB but eH

Mari:

1st Mari is shy, her outfits are safe & she kind of disappears in a crowd. She just became 🐞 & isn’t 💯 with her role yet. She’s designed and made her own clothes but doesn’t wear them outside of the house bc Chloe, oof

2nd she’s now comfortable being 🐞 & that boosts her confidence as Mari, she’s wearing more bold colors & outfits that she may or may not have designed herself 👀

3rd 🐞 is now the guardian of the miraculous box, has bigger responsibilities & problems to deal with. Being 🐞 has creeped into her daily life. Doesn’t have time to design/make clothes so wears w/e, but tries to appear happy.

Kagami:

i like the idea of kagami being prim and proper looking all preppy at the beginning, but after making friends she starts to rebel by modifying her school clothes w accessories but eventually wears w/e she wants w a punkish vibe. lowkey worried about falling into a trope so idk

#miraculous ladybug #marinette dupain cheng #chloe bourgeois #kagami tsurugi #alya cesaire

686 notes · View notes

arthropodrespecter · 7 months

Text

2013 vs 2024

tbh, this is incredibly difficult for me. as a trans woman, there are certain expectations for posts like these. some gruff but sad looking man who was transformed into a happy beautiful girl via hormones. so you might think that nothing has changed. or perhaps i have gone backwards, gotten hairier, bigger, becoming even more of a man than i started off as.

this might be hard to read, so i'll put the rest under a read more. CW for homelessness, starvation, transmisogyny, and probably a few things i'm missing.

my transition has been messy. in some ways, you might say that i spent the first 25 years of my life transitioning. as a child i was efemminate, loved to play dress up and dolls, but my father was so against this that he filed a lawsuit against my mother, getting a court order forbidding her from "forcing me to crossdress." this set the tone for the rest of my childhood, which is a story i will not get into here because it is much worse than the story i'm trying to tell.

growing up in a christian fundamentalist home meant that it wasn't until much later, after my mother gained custody and i had gone on to experience even further ruination of my life, that i even learned that trans people exist. that this was a thing you could do, could be. a brief flash, something hiding behind my eyes, and i had locked it away. of course i wasn't trans. i was an athlete, a martial artist, a musician, why would i need to think about gender?

when i was 16, i joined tumblr. i saw a blooming transgender community, got to see the inner thoughts and conversations that trans people were having, couldn't avoid certain things any longer. i started to identify as nonbinary, eventually even coming out to my mother, who certainly TRIED to be supportive. it was exciting, made my heart race a little, made me scared. i had no idea what i was doing, or how my world was about to turn upside down and inside out.

the summer i turned 18, i was severely injured in a martial arts tournament. my right knee had caved in, the bone at the site of the joint crushed by a man i had thought was my friend. i didn't realize what had happened, and so didn't go to a doctor until two weeks later, at which point the damage was considered irreversible. everything i was disappeared. i lost all will to live. i stopped drawing, stopped playing music. i started drinking heavily. my family knew i was struggling but any efforts to fix the situation just made it worse. my mother and older brother had been putting more and more pressure on me to get a job and get out of the house, even though i could barely walk. my older brother told me that my mother was going to kick me out if i couldn't start contibuting. i still couldn't. i became homeless for the first time at the age of 19.

when you're homeless, it's like every single day is drawn out into countless hours, and you either have nothing to do, or far too much to do, and nothing in between. i had an online partner at the time, someone who turned out to be a chaser targeting suspiciously egg shaped men and nonbinary people, who spent the entire time getting more and more frustrated that i didn't have the time to be a fucktoy. i ended up insitutionalized for a month, after which i was kicked to the curb and left with nothing but a backpack and the clothes on my back. any journey of self discovery i may have been having was on hold until i wasn't fighting for survival.

my rescue came from a nonbinary lesbian who reached out to me. i was offered a room, a place to stay for no cost. they helped me break up with my partner. i found myself in a new sort of situationship, but at a confusing cost. why was this lesbian interested in me? was that even okay? eventually we had a conversation. they revealed to me that they had thought i was a trans woman. the fact that i had been seen as a woman hit me like a truck in a blindzone i didn't know i had.

after a difficult few days of arguing with myself, i couldn't hide from it. i was a woman. maybe i had always been a woman. a thought more terrifying than it had any right to be.

i grew my hair out. i started shaving. after a few months, i was even able to book my first HRT appointment (thank you state of washington trans healthcare laws). i came out to my mother a second time, and her reaction was much different this time. maybe due to the distance that had grown between us, the past hostility that left scars still bleeding, but i suspect it was because telling her that her firstborn son was actually a woman was much scarier to her than telling her that i didn't really care about gender.

this photo is from the day that i had my first HRT appointment. my soft chin, once a weakness, could be bared proudly, the ambiguity in my face becoming something that i cherished.

a year later, i had the longest hair of my life. if i shaved and wore makeup, and dressed right, i could get gendered correctly so long as i didn't speak. in that regard, i was truly getting the full experience of womanhood. my relationship with my partner was going strong. i thought that i had found my forever.

things got messy. you will probably hear me say this again. you won't find many better ways to describe my life, other than messy. my partner had always been polyamorous, but i was not, and had not ever pretended that this was not the case. so when one of my partners friends confessed her love to them, they went into panic mode. suddenly they were pushing everyone away, reverting to old bad habits and anxieties, and our relationship began to fall apart.

the friend, we'll call her A, pretended to move on, started dating someone else. my own friendship with A was strained by the situation, and her new partner, a butch lesbian named rowan, seemed to be suffering for it. i realized that the only way our relationships could survive was if we tried to work out an agreement to polyamory. in the end that wasn't enough, but i was desperate. i was starting to see the cracks, realizing that if this fell apart, i would be homeless again. my leg injury had already been so badly worsened from my first experience with homelessness, i knew that going through it again would be the end of me.

since my partner and A were now seeing each other, i began to get ignored. the only time either of them spent talking to me was talking about each other, either joyous or trying to fix some new problem. at this point, i started getting to know rowan. we had a lot in common, i had never talked to a butch before, let alone known one, and seeing the way that they navigated gender made me jealous. i didn't know why.

more and more, rowan and i were separated from the broader relationship, and as we talked more, something developed. i had already felt it the first time we spoke, on some level, but it had grown and grown, from respect, to admiration, to desire and love. we were in a polyamorous relationship after all, so it made sense to me. but shortly after, when i told my partner what i was feeling, they freaked out. this wasn't the agreement, they had only agreed to them being able to date other people, didn't think that it would need to be specified because i wasn't polyamorous.

the entire relationship falls apart and we go back to being two separate couples, and the end of that came swiftly after. they cheated on me with A, and when i found out, that was it. my now ex partner told me that i could stay at the apartment until the lease ran out, and they would move back in with their parents. they took all the furniture, i was left with an ancient computer, a blanket, some clothes, and two pillows. my depression came back with a vengeance, and i stopped eating. by the time the lease ran out, i had lost a dangerous amount of weight. i became homeless for the second time at age 22.

this time, after only six months, i found a thin sliver of hope. i was given a place to stay. a single-wide trailer that i would share with three other trans women and a hairy nonbinary lesbian. you've probably heard the stories of similar situations. it's impossible to have healthy boundaries in a space the size of a can of sardines. or healthy anything really. i got involved in an incredibly toxic relationship with one of the other trans women, who i found out was dating nearly a dozen other people.

the only thing i could do was try to feel wanted. desired. i began experimenting with my image.

i re-established contact with rowan, but there was so much there that i couldn't bring myself to face yet. as i began to experiment with more masculine presentation, those around me took a greater interest in me. i was an object of desire. it was the most worth i had felt i ever had.

i wasn't eating again. so my weight kept dropping. in the three-odd years since my first encounter with homelessness, i had lost 30% of my entire bodyweight. this only made my physical issues get worse and worse.

i wasn't done with experimentation though. what could i do with this newfound territory?

the time came. i couldn't stay anymore. the relationship had fallen apart, and my connection to the household had been sent away in exile. the irony of this is not lost on me. i was lucky enough to be able to couch surf for a few months this time.

i lost weight again.

and again.

my knee got worse and worse. my iliotibial band tore. my birthday came and went, nobody celebrated except for rowan, now my only friend.

a week after my birthday, a lesbian couple contacted me. told me that they had a spare bedroom, and that if i could cover the costs of my own food, could stay for as long as i liked.

i started HRT again. rowan and i had managed to work through all the shit and scum of our past and started a relationship anew. it felt like this could be real.

i started to look a lot like my mom. kind of uncomfortably like my mom. rowan was butch, so i had thought i should be a femme. i didn't understand what that meant, but whatever it was i attempted, it wavered dramatically.

i began to switch, every month or so, between masculine and feminine presentation. my chest had grown enough that it was visible now, and i experienced an equal amount of joy and fear when i was gendered correctly in public, having learned to fear people finding out that i was a trans woman.

the weight didn't come back. it was like my body had burned itself so far down that it could not regrow. i had no energy, and my physical condition continued to deteriorate. but i was allowed to be myself. and i was in love with a butch. maybe that would be enough.

i began to develop a fashion sense of my own. the butch label was starting to appeal to me. and my roommates seemed to agree, since they both shifted towards butchness and masculinity alongside me. but it wasn't to last. one of my roommates, a TME lesbian i'm gonna call M, suddenly went off on a transmisogynistic rant to me. M's partner was a trans woman, and hearing this caused me to suddenly re-evaluate everything. did this happen because M viewed me as more masculine now, a more acceptable target? would this happen to G, M's partner?

i hardcore shifted gears back to feminine presentation. it felt safer. i stopped eating again. things weren't okay, but they were bearable this way. but then, one day, we got locked out of our apartment. a stupid, played out thing that happens to everyone at least once. while my roommate G went to see if the apartment manager was in with a spare key, i attempted to climb our balcony and get in through the unlocked back door. when i was up on the railing of our balcony, it gave way, and i fell to the asphalt below, breaking my back. following a trend that i set half a decade ago, i didn't realize it had happened. my back hurt, but i thought it would go away. it did, replaced by a vast numbness through the middle of my back. i began to collapse any time i tried to exhert myself physically at all. i would only find out why years later. the fact that i couldn't contribute to chores anymore, and nobody knew why, made the situation with M deteriorate much faster.

at my lowest point in years. my relationship with rowan was the only thing that kept me from giving up, but after the third time M decided to spew vileness at me i just spent months locked away in my room, terrified that any time i saw M was going to be another lecture about how i was disrespectful, loud, obtrusive, intimidating, too quiet, too lazy, whatever incoherent train of thought i would have to face next.

it was too much to handle in combination with the events of 2020, the lockdowns, the illness, the forest fires, things ended up coming to a head. at age 25, i became homeless for the third time, during the pandemic and a wildfire that filled the air with plastic fumes so thick you couldn't see ten feet in front of you.

i got in contact with my mother and had her take my cat, because i knew i couldn't take care of her like this. that was the last time i saw my cat in person before she died. rowan was frantically trying anything and everything possible to help me. i thought that this might be the end.

three and a half years ago today i got the best news of my life. there was a way out. it would be a long and tricky road, involving moving my whole life to a new country. but we could do it. not only could we do it, but we actually did it. in a months time, i was in rowan's arms. for the first time in our years of knowing each other, there was nothing keeping us apart any longer.

i was finally able to rest. able to eat. i started to regain weight for the first time in nearly a decade. i felt my energy come back, slowly at first, and then more and more until i was capable of functioning, even if at a low level. it's around then that i find out the truth of what happened to my back. it still hasn't properly healed.

in my gratefullness for life and love, i briefly forgot my identity crisis. i was happy to just exist without fear and pain. it wasn't until about a year ago, when a miracle occurred, that this changed.

i woke up one morning, feeling more energetic than usual. i think to myself, maybe i can do some light exercise, for old times sake.

my knee doesn't hurt.

MY KNEE DOESN'T HURT.

a wound that i thought would dictate my life forever, given actual time to rest and food to fuel the process, had healed. everything that i had ever given up on came rushing back into my head, ideas about who i could be, what i could become, what other injuries i might be able to recover from if i treat them right and rebuild myself. ten months ago i began to work out consistently. my back is slowly healing. i am stronger than i ever was before.

i have had to rebuild myself so many times. did i ever discover the secret of butchness in the process? no, that's something that i think will take the rest of my life. for now, my butchness is an enduring pillar, the only part of myself that never fully burnt away. standing up for myself, being my own person, loving another butch, refusing to lose the kindness i so desperately clung to my whole life, refusing to limit myself and my dreams, this is who i am. i am friends with other butches. i am not alone anymore. for now, this is butch. this is me.

#transgender #transition timeline #trans woman #butch

83 notes · View notes

mirkwoodest · 1 year

Text

My hard to swallow pill is that you aren't owed reblogs and if your stuff isn't being reblogged, either your stuff isn't being seen or it's not resonating with people. While like/reblog culture on tumblr might be different than it was in 2014, people still reblog stuff. Posts still blow up. Including fanart. Including gifsets.

2014 was also the era of reblog-or-else posts, those horrible aesthetic ~click for more pastel grunge~ links, and "competitions" that included a requirement to follow OP and reblog shit. Aka, clout chasing. That culture died and the result is a like/reblog ratio that isn't what it used to be, but tbh I prefer this.

"Artists will leave tumblr/you are failing gifmakers" the artists and gifmakers obsessed with numbers and clout left years ago. If you're still here then you must realize on some level that what exists here offers something beyond that just maxxing your engagement. In my experience, you get smaller, close-knit, talkative engagement here. Additionally, you DO sometimes have huge viral posts that ruin your notifications for days at a time. This still happens regularly.

I'm not going to argue with the advice "if you love something and want more of it, reblog it!" because that's great advice, but will never stop rolling my eyes and unfollowing people who complain and blame current tumblr culture for not giving them big enough numbers because you either

Don't have a big enough audience/community yet/anymore

It's not resonating enough for people to want it on their blogs, which is not their fault. You can't get mad at people for not wanting to hang stuff up on their walls, even if you worked hard on it

You're prioritizing bigger numbers over building community/rapport. This is just not a good website for that anymore. Maybe that makes you want to leave. Okay. The people who stay are the ones who get tremendous joy from gathering in their huddled micro-communities, making what makes them happy, and passing it around their little circle together. That persists because it brings a different kind of pleasure than the kind of engagement you get on other platforms (although to reiterate, posts blowing up is a thing that obviously continues to happen here)

Obviously if you work hard on something and it doesn't get the response you want, that's hard. I don't mean to belittle those feelings, but the woe-is-me "back in my day / you're all at fault for society's decline" type posts have GOT to stop.

You're just using this website wrong.

#txt

232 notes · View notes

nonbinarydeity · 2 years

Text

Simplifying Manifestation/Shifting

Disclaimer: I don't mind if this isn't how you want to manifest. It's okay to have rules that make it work a certain way for you, it's okay to do things your own way. This is just how I understand manifesting now, and if it doesn't resonate with you, that's fine 🥰

So okay, I've been reading a couple of things from an amino user and I've realized so much more deeply what reality is and how to manifest and just everything. Please please please go read those posts because they explain it really well and I'm not an expert on this (yet!!).

Also I'm going to be focusing on my journey and I'm gonna be deleting the Tumblr app because there are WAY too many limiting beliefs on here. I'll do my best to answer questions about this today and tomorrow, then I'm offline for a while 🥰

The 4D and the 3D

So how I understand it now is different from what a lot of the community believes, but I swear that understanding this makes everything so much more simple and stress free.

The 3D is a reflection of your subconscious mind, which exists on the 4D plane. The biggest thing that people get wrong here is that the subconscious mind needs to be "programmed" a certain way. In reality, the subconscious mind is incredibly smart. It knows more about you and your desires than you do tbh. It's like your best friend, it's always trying to get you what you want, and it follows the rules you give it (more on this in a sec).

All you have to do to manifest/ shift is tell your subconscious mind what you want. That's literally it. You can even just say "I want xyz" and forget about it, and you'll get it.

When you ask for something, the 4D receives it and implements it right away. It gives the signal to the 3D to change, and the 3D does. Sometimes it takes a little while for the 3D to change all the way, but that's okay and normal! All you have to do is just wait and know that it's coming, you don't have to worry about doing anything else.

Rules

So the only thing that can get in the way of your manifestation/ shift is you. See, your subconscious mind follows every rule you give it, and humans have a tendency to put a LOT of rules on things, because that's what we're taught to do.

Say you're manifesting something, and it doesn't show up right away (because the 3D needs a little more time). You, being human, take that as a sign that it's not coming at all, and start assuming that something is wrong, or that you're doing something wrong, and you start putting all these rules in place trying to find an answer (think: I have to affirm more, I have to be in the wish fulfilled more, etc). Your subconscious then takes those rules you gave yourself and implements them, and suddenly it's taking longer to get what you want! This triggers a cycle of this (ask for what you want > don't get it right away > look for reasons why > make more rules/ change your rules > repeat) that can last for an infinite amount of time, until you're exhausted and give up entirely!

The key

From this, I hope you understand what you have to do. Literally, throw out your old mindset entirely and stick to these simple rules:

Ask and you shall receive. (Ask in this term could mean affirm, visualize, command your subconscious, etc)

Be patient. It might take some time but it IS coming to you!

Don't give up or accept that you'll never get it. The 3D could be seconds away from giving you what you want!

Most importantly: don't make a ton of rules for yourself!! Enjoy yourself, enjoy your time, be okay with the 3D for a little while because it IS changing in your favor. Don't force yourself to think about it 24/7, don't make yourself affirm every second of the day, etc!! All of that stuff is pointless! It won't get it to you any faster, if anything it'll make you doubt and spiral, which will lead to that cycle of self sabotage again. Just relax and let it happen 💕

And that's literally it!! Don't overcomplicate this, it's so important that you just relax and let it be for a little while.

I tried this during our walk today, and I had 4/4 successful manifestations (see a yellow car, see a green car, get paczki flavors I wanted [the ordering period was over, but I got the flavors I wanted anyways!!], find money [I started overthinking this, but I reminded myself that it was done, and we found it under a trash can of all things lol]) within my specific parameters (within our 30 minute walk to the store)! Literally all I did was say that's what I wanted and trusted my subconscious to give it to me, nothing else.

Outro

In the end, manifestation is not your job to do. Your job as a human being is literally just to enjoy life and ask for what you want. Everything else is your subconscious' job, and you don't have to worry about it beyond that!

Give yourself time and forgive yourself for overcomplicating it, because everyone does and that's normal and okay. We're human. We overthink. We overcomplicate. That's just what we do, and that's okay 🥰

I'm going to be answering asks about this post specifically for the rest of today and tomorrow, and then I'm going to be deleting the Tumblr app and focusing on my journey. I'll likely be posting again for updates and explanations of this once I understand it more deeply, but for now this is all you need to know!

#master manifestor #law of assumption #manifestation #manifesting #manifest #law of attraction #living in the end #self concept affirmations #loa #loassumption #shifting #reality shift #reality shifting

391 notes · View notes

duskooky · 1 month

Note

Hello! I was wondering if you had any headcannons about Tim/Masky?

(Absolutely love your art btw!)

Hi! First of all, I'm really really sorry for the late response, but I've been away from Tumblr the whole time 😭 (I kinda forgot I had this account tbh)

Anyways!! I have lots of HCs about him but these are the main ones, I purposely decided not to write some because they might be spoiler for my comic:

Tim started seeing Slenderman from a young age, and he used to tell everyone that a tall faceless man in a suit was constantly watching and following him.

This of course concerned his teachers and parents, who decided to bring him to a psychiatrist. He was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and got prescribed a lot of meds, which only made his overall physical and mental health worse, but he kept seeing Slenderman regardless.

Growing up, the symptoms got worse as he started coughing blood, having seizures and even epileptic attacks whenever Slenderman was nearby. His mental health got worse and worse, and he started suffering of severe insomnia and hallucinations as there was always this static sound in his mind who would keep him awake.

No one of course believed in the existence of this "Tall Man" haunting him, so Tim spent pretty much of all his youth in a mental hospital/facility, until the day all the symptoms suddenly got better, as Slenderman decided to take a step back since he couldn't break him. Tim got released from the hospital and started living again, he even applied for college and got back in touch with Brian, his old friend.

Brian introduced him to his new friends, Jay and Alex, who were working on a film-making project (Marble Hornets). Tim accepted to help them out with their project, this causing Slenderman to start haunting the whole friend group, who eventually broke up. Years later, Tim tried to get into contact with them all, but during all this time all his friends changed because of Slenderman's influence, and they all eventually got mentally broken and then killed by him. This was the straw that broke the camel's back, the guilt drove Tim's insane who decided to finally surrender to Slenderman since he had nothing left to fight for, and that's how he turned into a proxy.

Tim turned into "Masky" the moment he became a proxy, thus losing his personality and most of the memories he made as human

#creepypasta #headcanon #masky creepypasta #creepypasta masky #masky marble hornets #marble hornets tim #marble hornets #tim masky #au #creepypasta au

21 notes · View notes

nalyra-dreaming · 3 months

Note

Hello, please don't take it bad because, through the question maybe the tone can be a bit weird also I know you talked about it hundred of times.

But as a Loumand enjoyer and someone who take them for what they were,creepy,toxic, unbalanced but also beautiful because i like good chemistry and no one can deny their good chemistry right? Jacob and Assad were beautiful together.

What i don't understand is why,i keep seeing from most of the fandom the reasons they don't like them is because they were toxic/weird dynamic, aren't all the relationships in the VC romantic or not,toxic/weird?

I promise i didn't make a fanfic in my head,i knew from the start we were watching a divorce but they still had some on-screen good moments?

They will still be important for each other lives in the future right?

I feel like most of the vitriol i see for them (not from you) is because Loumand feels like a ''threat'' (I can't find a better word) to the existence of the two main pairings.

I don't think they were because of the dungeon scene is a proof they were never meant to be but still I'm sure some people felt threatened.There no other reason i can see.

In the future they will be other weird dynamic between other characters and i can see them receiving such a treatment.

Also I know some Loumand enjoyers are the reason we are seen as the annoying part of the fandom including myself.

All good :) (your tone is fine^^)

Tbh I haven’t seen much of what you refer to (I barely make it out of my inbox and DMs right now 🤪) but I think what you witness now is the backlash after almost two years of “Lestat is an abusive racist and we cannot wait to see Louis in a healthy, wholesome romance with a POC character and nothing of Lestat anymore“.

Like, don’t misunderstand me, I‘m not saying you did this. But this definitely happened. The show never promised Loumand to be wholesome, but since it was commented on as healthy and wholesome on the podcast many took that as fact. Pointing out book canon things were met with “anti accusations“ (even by some I would have never expected it from). Suggesting that the “tale“ might not be correct was taken as racist, and abuse apology bc the black man was “made to be a liar“. No matter the cast and writers and crew comments on this. (But I‘ve been over this in my rant, it’s linked in my bio if you want to read it, not rehashing it all now).

And that for over 1,5 years. There’s comments on my fics you wouldn’t believe. And no pointing out discrepancies, nor book canon facts made any dent into these accusations. It was always argued that the show is its own thing - and that is true - and yet they have now circled back MUCH closer to the book canon than I had actually anticipated.

So.

I get that it’s hard right now? I have said before that I see Loumand as totally valid - but for me it is mostly later on, when it’s on equal level. I think it is totally valid to enjoy them now, too, while being aware of the manipulative layers and the fucked-up dynamics:))

Ultimately… there’s not much for you to do except curate your dash. Go and block haters freely, leave those voices that you like or that disagree with you on a respectful level.

Especially for future (also rather toxic) pairings that WILL come up this will be MO. :) Fortunately tumblr has some practical tools there. ^^

#anonymous #ask nalyra #interview with the vampire #iwtv #amc iwtv #amc interview with the vampire #louis de pointe du lac #armand #loumand

32 notes · View notes

shinysmolivgarden · 3 months

Text

I'd like to preface this post by saying

I think the toxic chain theory was interesting, and no hate to the people who believed it, but...

I find it kind of funny that SO many people believed it.

MY FIRST POINT:

That would have been a very big plot point. And that would be kind of weird considering the Indigo Disk was obviously about Terapagos and not "Dokutaro", as it was named at the time. A thing I've seen is that people thought taking the championship title from Kieran is what would "reveal" that he had been possessed or whatever, but like... Kieran was the most important non-player character in the DLC. You'd think that if he had actually been possessed by Dokutaro, that would be the main focus of the Indigo Disk. But it clearly wasn't. Pecharunt (up until the epilogue) was only found in the files and hidden when Kieran's grandpa tells us Ogerpon's story, which is something that'd be weird to do for a legendary so important to the DLC's story. Even with Ogerpon, despite the fact that it was a reveal that it wasn't evil and a reveal to the characters in the story that it actually existed, we knew it existed because it was announced BEFORE the Teal Mask came out. And, I was right about that! Pecharunt was announced BEFORE the epilogue was released! (Again, no hate to people who thought this, I just think it's a bit weird.)

MY SECOND POINT:

A big piece of "evidence" for the theory was that the trailers for the indigo disk showed that he "dyed" his hair purple. (And that's the same color as Dokutaro! :0) Like... that was always his hair color. The underside of his hair was always purple. He just tied his hair up. You can still see his black hair from behind. I guess it made sense if you already believed the theory, but if you didn't (like me) it is easily explainable.

MY THIRD POINT:

Another theory I've seen going around (especially on tumblr) is that Kieran was not outright possessed by Pecharunt but was still influenced by it as part of his descent into... I don't want to say madness but basically madness. (This would also explain why Ogerpon did not go with Kieran during the Teal Mask. I've already created a post on MY opinions on that, but you can read that later.) A reason for this I've seen is that "there must still be some poison under the Loyal Three's grave even though their bodies have decayed" (yes I still call them the Loyal Three and not the Lousy Three, cry about it /j). Which... what? How would that poison get up to Kieran after he punched the grave? Poison is weak to ground for a reason. And as to why he wasn't fully possessed is because Pecharunt's dex entry says that its mochi draws out desires and capabilities, and Kieran of course didn't have any mochi so he wasn't outright possessed- stop. Listen to what you just said. Pecharunt's mochi draws out desires and capabilities, and Kieran didn't have any mochi. Are you beginning to see the problem? tbh toxic chain believer copium /j (I'd like to say again, I. HAVE. NOTHING. AGAINST. THESE. PEOPLE. I just think the THEORY is a bit wack. Please don't hate me.) (I will add the people who made the posts I'm referencing once I find them again.)

References:

@jadeazora for one of the posts.

https://www.tumblr.com/2oul2ilver/753739784490532864/yes-i-was-just-thinking-about-writing-a-post-on?source=share for the other.

BONUS POINT:

One of the people I saw supporting the theory before the Indigo Disk came out (It was a yt video but I can't find it again so I'll link it if i find it) said that Kieran might be possessed because "he looks crazy". That's it. That was their evidence.

IN CONCLUSION,

The toxic chain theory is a theory that I believe to be fine in concept, and I think it is an interesting idea. But, as with any theory, it had its faults and I personally didn't believe it because a majority of its evidence I believed (and still believe) to be just a tad bit wack.

Thank you for reading!

#pokemon #pokemonsv #kieran #ogerpon #teal mask #the indigo disk #pecharunt #dokutaro

23 notes · View notes

olderthannetfic · 1 year

Note

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/730572795212398592/what-is-up-with-all-the-trans-men-on-this-hellsite?source=share

As a trans man, I might have some insight into this one. I'm a lot older than the standard uwu sparkle anti, but I was in my mid twenties for the first wave of weirdness about trans boys on Tumblr about a decade ago, so I was just too old for it then, and I saw a lot of guys my age and a little younger get swept up in it.

OTNF rightly points out that young trans men are a particularily vulnerable demographic. This is part of it, but we're also a demographic that doesn't sit comfortably with our identites (gender identities or otherwise) and are told by everyone (on every side) that we are Doing It Wrong, that our existence harms others, and that we must be this specific way to be good people.

I'm sure you've seen the "trans men are better than real cis men" rhetoric. It's meant to be inclusive and to reassure us that we're not bad people just because of our gender, but it also denies us our entire gender identity.

So basically, you've got a bunch of young guys, most of whom were socialised like girls and learned to never be too assertive, many of whom are straight up suffering from dysphoria and stress, being told by people both within and outside of their communities that the are Wrong and Bad and Harmful just for existing. It makes sense that a lot of them would would find a movement based on moral posturing that will accept them if they perform correctly and will use their real name and pronouns. That's what Antis are; they say "use this vocabulary, send hate mail to that person, put these terms in your DNI, don't be caught reading that story", and, unlike other groups that police people's tastes and performance that hard, they're not overtly hostile to trans identities. So you can spout the right rhetoric, use the right tumblr icon, and they will actually accept you (on the surface, for a time, but we're talking about young and desperate people who aren't looking at the long game).

Helping them harass those badwrong horrible NOTP shippers or aces or middle aged women or some random artist who got caught drawing the wrong age gap or whoever is the fashionable target will prove that you aren't a horrible monster for being a man, you're moral and upright and correct.

And yes a lot of it is internalised misandry (that word has a lot of dumb baggage, but how else can I describe a boy who hates himself for being a boy?), or self-loathing born of dysphoria and just plain having to live in a world that's hostile to trans people.

Being an anti is a way out. It's a way to manufacture acceptence. And they're too young and too hurt to realise that that acceptance is as temporary and hostile as the people who accept them only if they pretend to be girls; the antis will turn on them the moment they start acting a little too manly or if they're caught liking the wrong ship.

(I've seen something similar happen to young cis queer guys and trans girls, too, but it isn't as pronounced since being raised as a boy means you probably already learned that standing up for yourself is ok sometimes)

I'm sure it also doesn't help that tumblr is absolutely full of BL/slash fandom. There's certainly plenty of gender diversity in these spaces, but it's inescapable that the majority of participants are women. So for a young, insecure guy trying to assert that he is a guy, it's easy to fall prey to "Waaaah, I need to reclaim my hobby for me!" gatekeepy nonsense.

Sure, it's going to be turned on nbs even harder than on cis women and will be used to misgender other trans men in the end and misogyny isn't cool anyway, but that's not what your average traumatized young fool is thinking when they first join up. They're thinking "I hurt."

TBH, though, probably the largest component is that all of us—all of us—have a mental image of a default human for a given context. It's rarely a trans man. And so anything a trans man does stands out and is A Thing Trans Men Do.

This is true even if you are trans. It is true even if you are not a transphobic dickhead. Unlearning the 'why girls are bad at math' xkcd strip is extraordinarily hard because recognizing patterns and having mental defaults is just how human brains work.

There are shittons of cis women who become antis, but they're just not notable in the same way.

Are trans men more vulnerable to becoming antis? It's possible, and the reasons you outlined above are likely why. I think it's an interesting question to discuss if we are specifically discussing why the trans men who do become antis do so.

But we don't actually have any hard facts to support that they are more prone to it than anybody else. My guess would be that vulnerable people are more likely to become antis, so any cis woman with a strong source of vulnerability like a shittastic home life is similarly vulnerable to a young trans man with no support network, but who knows.

Maybe only 5% of trans men on tumblr are antis and 50% of cis women. Maybe it's 90% of trans men and 20% of cis women. Maybe it's 1% and 1% and they're just all very loud.

We have no data. We just don't know.

And we will never be able to trust our own brains on this until trans vs. cis is such a nonissue that we don't even notice it.

70 notes · View notes