#tw: dark humor

[ghosty-writes-23]

Incorrect COD Quotes Part. 2

!WARNING!: Suggestive (Slightly spicy) & dark humored content.

Ghosty's Notes: Some of these might be a little suggestive or contain dark humor, so you have been warned, V is my own female OC but can be read as x reader if you prefer that, also thank you so much for the recent support, I was a little hesitant to post these, but seeing how people have been liking them, I promise to make more in the future :)

Thank you for all the support, it means alot❤️

-Ghosty❤️

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V: *is watching Ghost workout with König* “They are so big and so dumb, and one day I'm gonna top them.”

Soap: “you and me both Lass.” 

*both V and Soap highfive*

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Gaz: “I pull women”

Soap: “I pull men.”

V: “i’m gonna pull the fucking trigger in a second.”

Price: *is looking at V horrified*

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*V is in Price’s office after a successful mission*

Price: *pats V on the shoulder* “I'm proud of you kid.”

*Alexia play daddy issues by the neighbourhood*

V: *holds back tears and voices cracks slightly* “T-Thanks sir.”

Price: *processed to give her a papa bear hug gently patting her back*

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Task Force 141 men: *sees V covered in blood, laughing with an almost psychotic grin on her face*

Ghost: *looks at V with almost hearts in his eyes* “I'm gonna marry that woman one day.

Soap: *chuckles* “Not if I do it first.”

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V: *is being help captive by Valeria*

Valeria: *is standing inches away from her face* "tell me everything you know."

V: *giggles like a school girl and would be twirling her fingers in her hair, if her hands weren't tied to the chair* "your eyes are really pretty."

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*Task force 141 + V are at their local pub after a mission well done*

Soap + V: *are sitting at the bar slightly intoxicated* 

Ghost + Price: *are playing a game of pool, but are keeping an eye on the two at the bar*

Soap: *finishes his drink* “I bet you can’t do a wheelie on your motorbike right now.”

V: *gasps and looked at him offended* “I will have you know sergeant, I bet I can, watch me.”

Gaz: *who is the most sober out of the three* “Guys, I don’t think that is a good idea.”

V: *is already pulling out her keys and is slightly stumbling to the door* “Oh please Kyle, what could go wrong.”

Gaz: *is slightly worried she is going to try and actually do it* “maybe you killing yourself for one.”

*Before she makes it out the front door V’s keys are suddenly pulled out of her hand*

Price: “I'm taking these until you are sober.”

V: *pouts but nods*

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*Both V and König are in his room, V has her legs resting comfortably on his broad shoulders as she brushes her fingers through his hair and König is cleaning his knife from his previous mission*

V: “How is your hair so soft?” *keeps running her fingers through it, pouting slightly*

König: *is thankful she can’t see his face at the moment as it would be the same colour as a tomato* “I don’t know.”

V: *smirks slightly to herself, deciding to tease him slightly and gives his hair a soft tug*

König: *lets out a groan like moan before looking up at her his eyes wide*

V: *is smirking widely before placing a kiss on his forehead* “Cute.”

König:

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Price: *takes the task force 141 men + V out on a camping trip*

Gaz: “how much further.” *is close behind Price*

Price: “not that far.” *steps over a fallen log*

V: *rests her head on Ghost shoulder as she is getting a piggyback, because she sprained her ankle standing in a rabbit hole, not even 20 minutes into the camping trip*

Soap: *decides to tease Ghost* “Do you want to switch there L.T, your looking a little tired.”

Ghost: *scoffs quietly under his mask before tightening his grip on V’s thighs slightly* “I’m fine.”

V: *starting humming a tune* “Toss a coin to your witcher, oh valley of plenty”

Ghost: “You watched that TV show with Johnny didn’t you.”

V: *smiles wide and nods* “The song is catchy.”

*By the time they got to the campsite, the whole group was sing toss a coin to your witcher*

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©️2023-GhostyWrites22 All Rights Reserved.

❌Please don't repost, translate or copy any of my work without permission.❌

[harveyb-wabbit92]

Submas Bedfellows au: What goes bump in the night 1.

AKA: Boogeyman! Subway bros.

[Ingo and Emmet were the twin imaginary friends of two lonely children, they had with their wards, drew pictures, played games. but the children grew up they began to forget about the Ingo and Emmet much to the twins dismay, over time anger from being forgotten abandoned by their friends, it twisted the boys appearance and their gentle nature was soon replace with something frightening and mischievous they started develop abilities which they terrorize little children for years, until one fateful night the past comes knocking.]

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E-S/o, was babysitting for their cousin, the evening was going pretty smoothly they were just were putting the little one to sleep when the kid starts crying about monsters under the bed and in the closet, "They're there! I know, I saw it!" the child sobbed as E-S/o tried to calm the kid down reassuring them that it was just bad dream; there was nothing to be afraid of, and they were safe.

But the kid was so sure there was something in the closet, that E-S/o decided to check anyways to give the kid some peace of mind... Well, they got up and checked the closet and unsurprisingly "I see a whoooole lotta nothing!~" they chirped in goofy voice causing the kid to giggle and E-S/o smile.

Then E-S/o walked over the kid's bed and crouched down to check under it, their smile slowly dropped as they blankly stared at...

Well, E-S/o's not quite sure what the hell they were seeing.

At first they thought it was a man... He was tall dressed in a torn and patchworked white and red striped coat and hat, he was smirking and snickering at E-S/o as if they were stupid and couldn't see him sitting there! Then they noticed the glowing silver eyes, the claws, the wagging tail, gray skin and Sharpedo-like teeth.

E-S/o snapped out of their shock shouted horror. "What in the absolute fuck are you?!" the creature recoiled in shock "Wait, You can see me?" it exclaimed very startled. Needless to say, E-S/o screamed bloody murder, which caused the man-thing to scream and the kid to scream....

E-S/o grabbed the now crying kid off the bed and ran out of the house in terror and After collecting their wits E-S/o got their phone out and called the cops...E-S/o and their cousin's child waited warily outside as the cops searched the entire house for the intruder, only to come back empty handed. There was no sign of any man under the bed or anybody breaking in, even their Stoutland couldn't pick up a scent!

Officer Jenny could see how shaken up E-S/o and the kid were and said they'll keep an eye out around the neighborhood in case the person was still around, but suggested they make sure the doors were all locked and secured, E-S/o's cousin came home as officer Jenny was getting ready to leave.

She explained what happened and E-S/o's cousin assumed it was their stalker ex trying to take their kid from him/her the ex must've heard He/she would be out for the night, and got spooked when they saw E-S/o checking under the bed.

Needless to say, E-S/o went home feeling like they were nuts... there was no way that thing was their cousin's ex-husband/wife! It wasn't human at all! they could still picture the monster's jagged smile and...White coat. Then a wave of nostalgia washed over E-S/o they weren't sure why but that white coat; though a little patched and tattered, was definitely familiar... They've seen it before, but couldn't remember where for the life of them!

The next day.....

E-S/o was at their Café it was slow they spent the time absentmindedly doodling the striped coat, the cafe's radio was playing low in the background and the sound of their coworker shuffling behind the counter kept their mind at ease, E-S/o was so absorbed in their drawing they didn't notice the woman in scrubs sit across from them. "Oh hey there's something I haven't seen in a while!" E-S/o flinched from the sudden voice and stopped doodling they looked across and saw Y/n sitting there.

E-S/o brow furrowed as they registered what Y/n had said "What?" Y/n had this far off look on her face as she told them about their old imaginary friends. "Remember? the train conductor twins? I made the one in black, he always wore frown and think you made him a twin brother, who always wore white and smiled?" E-S/o thought for a moment at they searched down the cluttered streets of memory lane...

"Ingo and Emmet?" they murmured unsure Y/n snapped her finger and did a gunshot motion. "Yep, that's them! damn it's been almost, what? twenty years now? we were just two little 7 year old misfits playing pretend." Y/n then curiously asked why E-S/o was suddenly drawing up their old imaginary friends clothes? "Oh, are you making a costume for a show?" she asked assuming this was for a drag performance at the cabaret E-S/o also worked at, they were known to make their own costumes after all. "Um...No, it's..." E-S/o's mouth froze as their voice trailed off in that moment they realized how rightly insane this would sound.

*Oh, last night I was watching my cousin's kid and I think I saw some twisted version of one of our imaginary friends hiding under their bed!*

Y/n was a nurse. She was a medical professional and the second she hears that load of spoinkwash, she will likely drag E-S/o by the ear to the the hospital's mental ward and have their head checked! "...It's nothing special, I was just reminiscing is all." E-S/o murmured trying not to sound too nervous, Y/n seemed to believe them? but she couldn't shake this feeling that something was going on, before she could say anything Waffle called Y/n's order number, and more customers started coming into the café, the two friends quickly said their goodbyes and moved on with their day...

"Was that Y/n lady your sister?" Waffle asked curiously while making a Wyndon fog, E-S/o look at him perplex shook their head." "No."

"Ya sure? you guys look so alike, you could be twins!"

"Pretty sure... Why does everyone keep saying that we look alike? I just don't see it!"

Waffle looked at them as if they said the sky turned bubblegum pink.

"Really? How do you not see it??"

The two went back and forth unaware of the silver eyes watching them from every dark crevice, when closing time came around Waffle had gone home.

E-S/o was alone in the back doing inventory, when they felt the hair on the back of their neck stand up, someone was watching them! E-S/o's heart rattled in their chest as their body tensed up, the presence was right behind them, they could feel it breathing down their neck! They tried to pretend to be unaware as their grip tightened on the metal clipboard in their hands.

They tried to keep their breathing even, a second later they shut their eyes tight and whirled around brandishing the clipboard intending to smack the intruder with it, only to nearly stumbled as the board connected to nothing.

E-S/o gasped but managed to steady themselves than cautiously looked around the storage room, it was like a switch was flipped. Suddenly the small space didn't seem all that familiar and soundly anymore... that on edge feeling was still lingering in the shadows as E-S/o's went back to work but kept their eyes and ears peeled for anything out of place, the sooner they were done and out the better....

[Meanwhile at Nimbasa's children's hospital.]

Y/n was doing paperwork in the almost abandoned hospital cafeteria, the sound of her pen scribbling and rustling of paper were coupled the hushed and somber whispers of overnight visitors, or the soft snoring of one of her co-workers trying to catch up on their precious sleep before they were called back to work. 

Sleep. That sounded great right now...

Y/n's vision went blurry and out of focus briefly as she stared down at the form she'd been filling out, the y/hc pushed her glasses up to her forehead and rubbed her tired eyes; than reached for her coffee cup, only to find it empty "Time to refuel..." she murmured with a tired sigh.

She got up from the table and stretched her tired joints. "When I get home I'm gonna sleep for like a week..." Y/n mentally promised to herself as she walked up to the coffee machine and was about the press the button for her usual drink.

When the cafeteria lights started flickering, Y/n felt a pit form in her stomach as she turned around to ask one of her coworkers if they should head back to the nurse's station in case of a blackout? But to the y/ht nurse's shock there was a little boy standing right behind her.

The nurse nearly jumped out of her skin, Y/n was surprised she didn't hear him walking up behind her! the boy looked about 7-10 years old maybe? he had these odd knife like sideburns and piercing silver eyes; he was wearing black overalls and a train conductor's hat, he looked at her with this blank expression.

Y/n wondered if he was the sibling of a patient that had wandered off, or was  looking for his parents? Y/n crouched down to his level. "Hello, where'd you come from?” The boy kept staring, unblinking; which further unnerved the nurse “what's your name?" The boy's face suddenly contorted into a angry scowl and without a word he suddenly ran out of the cafeteria. Y/n was about to chase after him when this gut wrenching screeching caused the world to crumble away...

Y/n gasped as her eyes shot open, she sat straight up and looked around wildly taking in her surroundings, the nurse was startled to find herself laying in the middle of the hallway of the children’s sleep ward, Y/n was baffled as to how she got there? She was sure she was just in the cafeteria! However, Y/n didn't give herself much time to think about it, she could hear one of the kids screaming like they were being murdered!

She pulled herself off the floor and rushed into the screaming girl's room. "Alice? Alice! What is it, what wrong?" Y/n asked grapping the little girl gently by the shoulders, Alice was in hysterics and kept frantically pointing towards her room's closet, Y/n thought she saw something move behind the door... After getting Alice to quiet down, Y/n cautiously made her way over to the closet door, despite the little girl's desperate pleas and head shaking.

Y/n let out a shuddering breath as she reached for the knob and pulled the door open, The nurse felt her stomach turn to stone as she stared into a pair of silver eyes that belonged to... Y/n wouldn't know how to describe this thing, other than it looked almost human but it...

He was very tall, wore a lightly tattered black coat and had dark gray skin, she could also see what looked like a tail wagging behind it in agitation. "Wh-what who are you." Y/n stammered in fear as the creature's frown contorted into an angry snarl showing off his Sharpedo-like teeth, he made a move like he was going to grab Y/n! The nurse screamed and quickly slammed the closet door closed and locked it before pressing the room's panic button.

Y/n hugged Alice close as the guards and head nurse cautiously entered the room, the guards had their tasers drawn. "in the closet" was all the y/ht woman said as she and Alice held their breaths. But to the nurse's utter bafflement.

There was no one. 

That's right when the guards unlocked and opened the closet to confront the intruder....there was nothing! "B-but he--it was right there!" Y/n a dumbfounded insisted she saw a man or something standing in that closet, "It was the Boogeyman!" Alice tearfully chimed she was still clinging to Y/n's shirt, the head nurse looked at them both concerned.

Needless to say, Y/n was sent home early, her boss told her that the exhaustion from working 48 hours with little sleep was probably getting to her, Y/n decided not to argue with it, since she knew her boss would send her to the loony-bin, if she said anything else about the oddly terrifying situation. unbeknownst to Y/n and E-S/o their night of torment was far from over....

[froggy-ink1]

Ok there’s something fucking hilarious to me about the movie Antichrist. Kid sees his parents having sex and immediately jumps out a fucking window

[hey-imma-fangirl]

Hey can I see(Mr)chalice in his ghost form?

Yep!

Chalice comin in with the dark jokes 0-0

[silvcrignis]

The kind of getting sent to your muse at some point if you’re dating Keira Black:

[green-x-reaper]

DM: Whats to fuck

Feral DM: Wants to be your thirteenth reason why

[whatamidoingwithmylifeman]

Hanzo anytime he meets someone: My family's dead!

The poor person meeting him: What the fuck?

[itsjeonjk]

No phone call! Unless you answer the questions! Your phone will be taken up upon entry of your jail cell! Which is at a secret location that has yet to be decided!

- @for-yun

● ┊💬 𝗝𝗞 answered a comment from ﹫for-yun !

is.. hm. is that how that works? it thought you get the phone call before. but what do i know? do i look like i've ever been arrested? don't answer that.

a secret location too?? this sounds more like a mafia business or something than a police interrogation.. should i be preparing myself to be tortured too?

[sleepy-moss09]

have some MS Paint doodles to brighten ur day (TW: Swearing, fire, dark humor(?))

[chancedied]

Quiet down girl you finna attract the titens attention @~@

[ghosty-writes-23]

Incorrect COD Quotes Part. 1

WARNING: Suggestive (Slightly spicy) & dark humored content.

A/N: some of these might be a little suggestive, so you have been warned, Also V is my own female OC but can be read as x reader if you prefer that.

Thank you for all the support, it means alot❤️

-Ghosty❤️

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Ghost: *see’s Soap and V do something extremely dangerous and sighs* “God give me patience for these two.”

V: *overhears him* “don’t you mean strength there sir.”

Ghost: “if god gave me strength you both would be dead.”

Both Soap and V: *gulp*

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König: *gives V a beaded friendship bracelet he made* “so you can have a part of me, when your on your mission”

V: *is on the verge of ugly crying under her mask as he placed the bracelet on her wrist* “I will protect this with my life.”

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Alejandro: *pats Graves on the shoulder giving him a knowing look* “I hate seeing you like this.”

Graves *has a confused look on his face* “Like what? I'm not upset.”

Alejandro: “no in person, I hate seeing you in person.”

*Dead silence*

V: *covers her mouth to hide the fact she is laughing under her mask and fails terribly*

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V: *does something idiotic and stupid that Ghost warned her not to do.*

Ghost: *sees V get hurt* “I don’t care, I warned her that if she hurt herself I wasn’t going to help her.”

Voice over: “but ghost did really care as later that night he made sure her injuries were too serious and lightly scolded her before giving her one of his hoodies to wear and played with her hair until she fell asleep*

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Ghost: *takes off his mask revealing his face in front of everybody*

Price: “It's good to see you again, Simon.”

Soap: *lowkey checking ghost out*

Gaz: “not what I expected.”

V: “Why is everybody in this group so goddamn pretty, it makes me feel like a trash gremlin.” 

Ghost: *puts his mask back on*

Soap: “don’t worry V, you will always be our trash gremlin.”

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Price: *walks into the briefing room looking for V* "can I have my sweater back"

V: *looks at him innocently* "only if I can have my virginity back"

*Cue whole briefing room goes silent*

V: *laughs before sliding his hoodie off and hands it to him* "here you go sir"

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Soap and V are at the pet store, looking for collars for the new squad dog teddy.

Soap: “Okay we got everything, let's go already, wait where is V?”

V *is in the collar section, looking for a choker chain*

Soap: “why are you looking at choker chains, you don’t have a pet?”

V: “how do you know that sergeant” *smirks slightly under her mask and grabs the one she is looking for and places it around Soaps neck before giving it a slight tug*

Soap: *grunts and stumbles forward* “What kind of dog is it?”

V: *giggles soft before taking it off and grabs another in the same size* “ones that need to be house trained, now let's get out of here before Price rings us and asks why we are taking so long”

*Bonus*

*later that week in training Soap see’s both König and Ghost sporting what looked like dog choker chains around their necks*

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*The 141 men + V are in the common room, relaxing after training.

V: Spread me apart, lick me with your tongue, grab my sides, and eat my cream and that is how you eat an Oreo cookie.”

Soap: *chokes on his drink* “bloody hell woman.”

Gaz: *is laughing at soap’s reaction* 

Price: *gives her the disappointed dad look* “Really V.”

V: Oh come on captain it was funny.

Ghost: *is cleaning his gun but does chuckle at her joke*

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Gaz: “does anybody else notice that people that liked to be choked, hate being tickled.”

V: *feels slightly called out and starts sweating and nervously laughing* “haha, that's oddly specific there Gaz.”

Gaz: “It's like they are completely fine with you cutting off their oxygen supply, but as soon as you try to tickle them, they will kill you.”

V: *looks at him dead serious* “Maybe some people hate being tickled.”

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©️2023-GhostyWrites23 All Rights Reserved.

❌Please don't repost, translate or copy any of my work without permission.❌

[harveyb-wabbit92]

[Fall of Earth au: At a random tavern Akari has snapped she is ranting and raving at Dan (Seven) and Shin (Zero) about how awful it is to be living on Earth in it's current state and how everything and everyone is out to kill them!]

Akari: By the way, look at this. See those guys over there? The guys who work in the silver mines? See what they’re eating? Ribs doused in hot sauce! They eat hot, spicy foods every meal of the day. Do you know why? Because their palates are so completely fucking dulled from inhaling poison gas 12 hours a day down in the mines. That’s all they can taste. You know what that kind of diet does to your guts? Constipation, cramps, dyspepsia, liver disease, kidney disease, hemorrhoids, bowel inflammation. They literally die from their own farts.

[One of the miners gets up from the table, farts loudly, and then collapses dead on the floor]

Akari : And, oh, oh, you wanna see more death? All we gotta do is get up and walk out the front door.

[Akari leads her father and brother out of the tavern. And into an alley, there is a dead body lying on the ground]

Akari, pointing at a corpse: That is this town’s mayor. I didn’t know this town even had a Mayor, but apparently it did! He is dead. He has been lying there, dead, for. three. days. No one has done a thing. Not moved him, not looked into his death, not even replaced him with a temporary appointee. For the last three days, the highest-ranking official- Outside of myself and the sheriff, in this town has been a dead guy. Oh! Look at that! Look at that!

[as Akari has been talking…]

Akari: And now a pack of Gubila-minor are dragging the body away as if to illustrate my point! Bye! Bye, Mr. Mayor! Have fun becoming kaiju shit! Bye! frak’sake!

[Akari, Dan and Shin return to the tavern and go back to their table]

Akari: That, my dear family, is the New Earth frontier. A disgusting, awful, lawless, radioactive cesspool of despair and frak all of it. I want out!

--------------------

Being apart of the ultra frontiers guild automatically puts Akari above the authority of any sheriffs or wardens in charge of any the small towns or settlements scattered around the Frontier, within reason of course. Guild members can't use their rank to overthrow the person or persons in charge of the town (though there have exceptions...), They can't hold the mission hostage to demand more payment, and can't use the guild's name to commit crimes.

Gubila-minor are just that, miniature version of Gubila. for some reason there are some breeds of kaiju have evolved and minimized to human size, researchers theorize it's to get at prey that can hide in smaller and cramped spaces that the larger Kaiju can't fit in. They're usually referred to Kaiju-minor. Some of them can be tamed and are usually used for riding, farming and pack-animals for caravans.

[kari-hehe]

i really AM!

[razelssacredplace]

When my Rock & Roll History professor, who's a hippie btw, describes the assassination of MLK as "Martin Luther King gets wiped out." He realizes how horrible that is and continues, "Then Robert Kennedy dies. Is that any better- no it's not, is it?"

[silvcrignis]

At Least She’s Got The Spirit || Crasse || Open

“... I just fucked a bloke dressed up in a Ouran Host Club cosplay... I’m SAVING the world from mass shooters one pathetic weeaboo virgin at a time... WHERE is my Nobel Peace Prize?”

[fromgoy2joy]

I’m still nearly crying laughing from this interaction that happened yesterday.

I wore my Magen David in French lecture. It is 8:30 in the morning. I sat down next to this random girl that I’d never really seen before.

She looks at me for 0.7 seconds before starting to avidly sketch palestenian flags on her notes for the next hour and a half. Like pages and pages of the symbol, glancing at me the entire time.

Whoaaa, you really showed me up. I’m deeply offended and don’t know what to do with myself ! Help! I’m meeeeelting! The supposed Zionism in me is burning!!

Like I have no opinions on that flag. No grudge or resentment. But what makes someone go angry bird attack mode when seeing a symbol that’s Jewish adjacent?