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outsideratheart · 1 year

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Happiness (Alexia Putellas x reader)

A/N: This is the third and final part of History and Hope. I hope you enjoy!

It was hard being friends with Alexia but that is the situation you found yourself in. After her injury you forget all about the past because what she was going through was much more important. It resulted in multiple trains to Spain and in the end you were able to mend your friendship.

But here’s the thing: could two people who once cared about each other unconditionally ever be just friends?

You were beginning to find out the answer to that the hard way. You loved Caroline and deep down you knew you loved alexia, it was a feeling that would never change. The question was which one were you in love with.

The public hadn’t seen you and Alexia together since before her injury so when the footage of you two arriving together at camp was posted the entire Sefutbol fanbase lost their minds. It didn’t help that every comment was about how it reminded them of the past and how they suspected something was going on between the two of you even though you were still with Caroline.

Caroline trusted you and she told you this but whenever you called her during camp she questioned the how deep your relationship with Alexia went. She knew of your past and you were honest with her when you spoke of the love you had for your former best friend and co captain.

You reassured her that you and Alexia were friends and nothing more but you could tell that she didn’t believe you. For the past few of months you could use the fact Alexia had a girlfriend to back up your statement but now they had broken up. You were the person Alexia came to when it happened and Caroline hated that your bond had returned to its unbreakable state.

You and Alexia were told you’d be roommates for the pre World Cup camp and for the tournament. It was something the two of you were both happy about because you knew the pressure you would be facing in the upcoming weeks and it would be each other that would keep you sane.

After a tense phone with Caroline you didn’t know how to feel. Photos had been released from training of you and Alexia and to the rest of the world the two of you looked very close but it was simply the way Spaniards acted around each other.

“Is everything ok?” Alexia asked as she exited bathroom pretending to not have heard every word you said.

“I think so” truth is you didn’t know “it’s hard trying to explain, well us”

“It is. That’s why my relationship ended” Alexia knew your struggles well.

This isn’t something you knew. You wasn’t sure why they broke up, you never asked, but you didn’t for a second think it had something to do with you.

“I’m sorry”

“It wasn’t your fault. She knew that I still loved you”

“Alexia”

“I know you’re with Caroline and I don’t want to jeopardise that but it is true. I do love you, part of me always will and she couldn’t understand that”

This is why it was hard. Friends don’t say stuff like that to other friends.

“I’m with Caroline, Alexia. We can’t have this conversation”

“But you admit there is something here, something that we can talk about”

“There’s nothing to talk about. We are in a good place and we need to keep it that way. There’s too much at stake”

The pressure on the two of you was enormous. The entire world was watching and waiting in anticipation and you weren’t go to let your relationship current or what could have been ruin that.

“I understand”

And that was true. Alexia did understand because before you fell in love with each other, you fell in love with football and winning the World Cup was something you dreamed of doing when you made your debuts together.

The team had a couple of days off between camp and travelling to New Zealand. You took the opportunity to go away with Caroline and it was just what the two of you needed. You could back up your words of reassurance with actions. By the time you boarded the plane to go to World Cup things couldn’t have been in a better place.

Throughout the group stages you played some of the best football you had in a long while. Every one of your team mates said it was because you and Alexia were in the best place you had been in years. This was true and you knew it was a huge reason why the two of you had been performing like you had.

Up until now you never had a thought of straying from your relationship or thinking about being with anyone but Caroline. This all changed after the quarter finals. You had scored the second goal and the only person you wanted to celebrate with was Alexia.

“What just happened!” you shouted as you jumped into her arms. Alexia truly did plan on wrapping her arms around your back but the speed in which you jumped almost caused you to fall if not for Alexia’s hands on the bottom of your thighs.

“You’ve just sent us to semi final” Alexia kisses your neck.

The feeling of her lips against your bare skin had the power the teleport you to the night you shared your first kiss in Paris. Your surroundings became blurred for matter of seconds but that is enough to let your mind stray. In that moment you wanted to kiss Alexia, you wanted to cheat on your girlfriend. You hated yourself for it but it was feeling you could no longer deny.

A similar thing happens in the semi final only Alexia isn’t on the pitch for your game winning goal. This doesn’t stop you from celebrating though as you ignore all of you screaming team mates and run straight to where she is cheering on the bench.

“That one was for you Ale” the nickname made a return, you didn’t dislike it and it wasn’t an accident.

Once again you are in her arms and you can feel her firm grasp on your waist.

“Mi estrella”

This time you kiss her cheek even though you know it’s wrong. You tell yourself it is innocent as it isn’t on the lips.

The final whistle blows and you fall to your knees. You were in shock knowing that Spain were through to the World Cup final. The whole team celebrates the achievement and as the team gathers in a circle you spot Alexia opposite you. This is what you have been working towards for years and now you only have one game left to play and one team left to beat.

Just as you were about to go to Alexia you get pulled away by Olga and Athenea.

“Come with us MVP. We have a surprise for you” your Real Madrid team mates pull you through the tunnel.

With these two anything was possible so you keep an open mind. As you reach the end of the corridor you see the surprise they were referring to and she did not look happy although to anyone else her smile was believable.

“Caroline” you truly are happy to see your girlfriend and having her in front of you makes you forget all about Alexia.

“Congratulations Y/N” she pulls you in her arms but her hold isn’t as strong as it normally is and you know that something is wrong.

“Thank you Carino” you lean forward to kiss her and are met with a battle for dominance, something with doesn’t normally happen.

“My girlfriend is through to the final” you are too focused on the kiss that just happened that you don’t pick up on the possessive tone that Caroline uses when she says the word mine.

“Let’s get out of here” you are still dressed in your kit although you had swapped shirts with Asllani.

“What about your team mates?” Caroline asks even though she wants nothing more than to have you to herself.

“I can celebrate with them later. I have missed you”

“Looks like it” She whispers under her breath but it is loud enough that you hear it.

Once in the locker room Alexia’s eyes search for you and she even goes back out to the pitch to see if you had stayed out there knowing that this is something you do. Even as she returns to the rowdy Spanish locker rooms she is almost certain that you would be in there by now, only you’re not.

Jenni asks her what’s wrong but she shakes it off.

“I was looking for Y/N but she must be doing media” Alexia says as it is the only explanation she can come up with.

“Y/N wasn’t needed for media. Salma did it instead” their media manager confirms.

Alexia was beginning to worry as to your whereabouts but Olga is quick to put her out of her misery even though what she says makes Alexia a lot more than miserable.

“Caroline came to surprise her“ Olga says.

“And we saw them leaving the stadium just as we came back here” Athenea adds.

The Catalonian was at a loss for words. Had she been reading the signals wrong?

“She did?” Esthers says excitedly “That’s nice. They really are inseparable in Madrid and I think I speak for everyone when I say we can tell Y/N has been missing Caroline”

The players that were listening to the conversation agree with the forward and every agreement made Alexia’s blood boil. It was enough to stop celebrating and leave the room in search of some alone time.

The pitch was the place Alexia thought would be the quietest and she was right. It’s funny how much bigger it felt when it was empty and silent. She took the time to go over the past couple of days and it made her come to the conclusion that she didn’t just love you, she was in love with you. So much that it scared her because you had the power to hurt her although part of her believed she deserved it.

“Here”

The voice makes Alexia jump. She turns and finds Misa standing next to her with a beer in her hand.

“I don’t drink during tournaments, you know this”

“You’re going to need it for the conversation we are about to have and before you say you don’t want to talk about it you should know that you need to talk about it Alexia”

Whatever was going on between you and Alexia was enough to gain the attention of the goalkeeper. This alone filled Alexia with a little bit of hope.

“I’m in love with her Misa and I don’t know what to do. We have these moments and it gives me a sense of deja vu. I am transported back to 2019 where I wanted nothing more than to kiss her and ask to be mine. I want that, I want her”

Misa isn’t the person Alexia thought she would be having this conversation with but the two of them had grew close over the past couple of weeks and it helped that she knew you very well. She would be able to give an insight as to how you may be feeling.

“That isn’t going to happen” Misa says before taking a huge mouthful of the ice cold beer in her hands.

“I know but I can’t lose hope. Without hope I have nothing. I won’t have her and I won’t be able to have the thought of us been together”

“I wasn’t finished. It isn’t go to happen right now. She is in a committed relationship and no way will she do to Caroline what you did to her. Her heart is too pure”

Deep down Alexia knew Misa was right. You never wanted to cause pain for anyone and you definitely wouldn’t do it to the woman you love.

“I know. I don’t know what to do” Alexia hangs her head in defeat but not before taking a sip of the drink she swore not to only minutes ago.

“Do you want my opinion?” Misa asks and Alexia nods but doesn’t make eye contact “I think you need to tell her how you feel and don’t hold back”

Alexia wasn’t sure if that is something she is capable off. If she tells you then she risks losing you all together and she couldn’t have that happen. The two of you were in a good place and she’ll be damned if she is the cause for that to change. She needed to the think or more appropriately not think and her team mates that were none the wiser to her feelings would be the perfect distraction or at least that is what she is hoping.

“Alexia” Misa shouts causing the midfielder to look back at her “For what it’s worth I think part of her feels the same way. Ever since arriving in New Zealand I have seen a side of Y/N that I haven’t seen before and I think you’re the reason for that”

When the team arrive back at the hotel they do so just in time to see Caroline leaving. Given the amount of Real Madrid players on the team, most of them stop to say hi but Alexia notices that you are nowhere in sight. Now is her chance.

She gives up on waiting at the elevator and runs up the stairs two at a time. She is breathless when knocking on your door at a rapid pace. After thirty seconds she takes a short break before trying again. This morning she didn’t plan on having this conversation with you but now she wanted nothing more. She is determined not to admit defeat but her red knuckles beg her to do just that. Maybe you weren’t in the room.

The team is gathered in the common room when Alexia enters but still you are not there. Her gut was telling her something was wrong and she never ignored her gut.

“Have any of you seen Y/N?” She asks the entire room hoping at least one person would know where you were.

“She is in her room” Jorge states and it makes Alexia take a step back in disbelief because it means you were ignoring her reluctant knocking “She told me that she isn’t feeling well so she won’t be down for team meal tonight”

“Ok, I will take a plate up to her if I can get a key” Alexia knew that if anyone had the power to get a key for your room it would be the coach.

“No Alexia. Y/N asked me to be left alone tonight and given that she has been our saving grace the past couple of games I am going to do as she asked and I’m going to make sure everyone else does too”

Alexia was confused. You were fine an our ago, what could have changed in such a small amount of time and why where you hell bent on being left alone. Being respectful to your wishes Alexia left you alone that night and instead would talk to you in the morning only she doesn’t get the chance because the next day you avoid her at all costs.

You didn’t intend on hurting Alexia with your behaviour but it is what you needed to do to get through the next couple of days. There was a World Cup final to prepare for and you needed to have a clear head if you had any chance of winning.

By the time the 20th August comes around you can count on one hand the amount of times you have spoken to Alexia and you would have fingers spare. You heart was all over the place but head was locked in on the task at hand and that is all that mattered or at least it was for the next 90 minutes which would then turn into 120 minutes because the score remained 0-0 after extra time. Like many other games, this one would be decided with penalties.

“Y/N” Alexia grabbed your hand before the team walked to the half way line.

“Not now Alexia. I need to focus” you pull out of her grasp.

It all came down the 5th penalty. Both team have scored all penalties so far and given that Spain went second the pressure was fully on your shoulders as you were the fifth penalty taker. Misa hands you the ball but doesn’t say a word. Besides she knew that you wouldn’t hear a word she said anyways.

When you hit the ball you know you didn’t get it quite right. You always went for the side netting and you had a 100% success rate. You did until this moment because instead of hitting the netting the ball hits the post and rolls away form the goal. You had just missed and cost your team and country the title of World Cup champions.

You didn’t fall to the floor, nor did you walk back to your team mates. You stood in the same spot as if rooted to the ground. If you had to describe the way you were feeling you would use the word shock. How could you miss, this one out of them all.

Misa the first person to enter you line of vision as she crouches down to reassure you that it was ok and that it wasn’t your fault but it was. You knew it and the rest of the world did too. The next thing you do it turn your emotions off, knowing that it was better to feel nothing at all. This did mean that you shut off the world around you. The sounds in the stadium became muffled as if you were under water and the presence of your team mates didn’t register.

“We are a team. Win or lose, we do so together” Alexia wraps her arms around your shoulder and tries to pull you close to her but it’s as if the contact burns and you recoil from her touch.

“I am the captain today, not you. I missed the penalty, not you. This is on me Alexia so don’t try and make this about you”

“Y/N, that’s not what I’m doing” Alexia tries to reach out for you. She knows once you give up the urge to fight that you will need comfort.

“Why don’t you go to Jenni! It’s what you did after the last World Cup” your words were like venom and you spat them straight at her.

Alexia remained in her place even when watching you walk away, seeking comfort in your co captain at Real Madrid Ivana Andres. It was her side that you stood as you watched the other team lift the trophy. As soon as you were allowed to and when it respectful enough to do so, you left not only the pitch but the stadium.

The energy is the locker room was awful, it was as if somebody had died. To the outside world that might seem dramatic but losing a final had an effect that was hard to explain to those who had never experienced it. Some players were still crying, some had cried all the tears they had and others sat in silence still processing what just happened.

Ivana picked up on Alexia’s wandering eyes and it didn’t take a genius to realise what or who she was looking for.

“She’s left Alexia” This not only caught the attention of Alexia but the entire locker room “She said she needed to be alone and I couldn’t argue with her. The pressure she faced during this tournament is enough to crush some people and it seemed Caroline breaking up with her was the last straw”

“What did you just say?” Alexia wasn’t sure if she heard the defender correctly.

“The pressure was too much”

“No about Caroline”

“She broke up with Y/N. She didn’t tell me but I think it was the night of the semi final”

Selfishly Alexia wasn’t focused on the fact that you had been dumped. You were now single and now was the time for her to tell you how she really feels. Still, she is torn on what to do. She is a captain of this team and with you gone they need their other captain.

“Go” Misa tells her.

Alexia waits for someone, anyone, to disagree with the goalkeeper but nobody does and that’s enough for Alexia. She thinks fast. You wouldn’t go back to the hotel because that’s where the rest of the team will be very shortly. Australia isn’t a country you knew well so it did narrow it down a little bit. Alexia’s mind is blank until she remembers you posting almost identical photos to your instagram stories of a beach. You always loved the beach so it made sense that is where you would go.

She was right. As Alexia walks down the small hill that leads to the ocean she sees you sitting close to water with your knees pulled up to your chest. Even from a distance she can tell your crying by the way you body is moving.

“It’s all my fault Alexia” you don’t need to face the figure next to you to know who it is. She is the only one that would go against your wishes and truth is you had been hoping she would because in this moment she is the only person you want to see.

“No it’s—“ Alexia wanted to reassure you but the look she received from you told her that it was best not to finish that sentence.

“It’s not only your fault” she corrects herself but didn’t quite have the affect she desired.

“Alexia!”

You fall back onto the sand and turn your focus onto the stars above you. With the ocean at your feet and the universe above you, you couldn’t help but feel small.

“Spain is going to hate, the team will hate me and you will hate me. Please don’t hate me Alexia, anybody but you” it’s almost a plea.

“Y/N I could never hate you. I love you”

This confession had you sitting up right in a matter of seconds.

“Alexia in a different life maybe we could be happy together but we are not meant to be in this one”

“Why? I love you Y/N and I know part of you loves me too. I felt it in the quarter final and again in the semi final. Give me one good reason why?”

“We just aren’t. First I loved you and you didn’t love me, then you loved me and I loved Caroline and now you love me and I don’t love myself. Love should be this hard Alexia”

Alexia had enough. She couldn’t understand why you were so adamant on standing in the way of what could be.

“Love is hard Y/N but it is also the most rewarding thing in the world. We spend our whole lifetimes trying to find our soulmates. I found mine when I was 15 and it was you, that wasn’t hard”

“Alexia I don’t know what you want from me. You’ve said this before and look what happened. I gave you my whole heart and you broke it like it was nothing. I don’t think I can do that again”

“I want to tell you I am in love with you Y/N and I know I’ve hurt you before but that will never happen again. You deserve the world and I want to be the one to give you that”

You didn’t know what to say but you knew what you wanted to do. You lean forward, cup Alexia’s cheek and kiss her softly. Never had a kiss felt so right, so good. You pull away knowing that maybe you shouldn’t have done what you just did. Alexia on the other hand didn’t share the same belief because that kiss was nowhere near enough for her.

She leans forward but with enough force to knock you back. She now hovers above you waiting for your permission because in this moment you held all the cards. You reach up and kiss her only for Alexia to take over. You had never experienced a kiss filled with so much love and passion. You didn’t need to listen to what your head was telling you because your body make it crystal clear that you wanted Alexia.

Her hands began to roam your body and found their way under your shirt. It was getting heated and knew where it was going. You also knew that this couldn’t happen on a beach in Australia.

You push her off you but when you she the look of sheer panic in Alexia’s eyes you quickly peck her lips to reassure her this is not something you want to stop.

“I love you Alexia and if I give you a chance, if I give you my heart again, then I need you to promise me that you’ll look after it”

Alexia stands to her feet and holds her hands out to help to you up. Once at eye level she takes both of your hands in her own.

“I promise Y/N. I will take care of you. I will protect your heart as if it was my own. I will love you with every fibre of my being. If you give me a chance, I promise I will never hurt you the way I did”

“Ok” your tone is quiet but the smile on your face is wide.

“Ok?” Alexia asks as if needing a double confirmation.

“Yes Alexia. I love you and I will give you another chance”

Alexia couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She really did think that the outcome of this conversation would be different but right now in the moment, even after losing the final, she has never been happier. You had given her the chance to rewrite a wrong from four years ago and she wasn’t going to waste the opportunity.

#Alexia Putellas x reader #alexia putellas one shot #alexia putellas imagine #woso x reader #woso one shot #woso imagine #barcelona femeni x reader #barcelona femeni one shot #Barcelona femeni imagine #espwnt x reader #espwnt imagine #espwnt one shot

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freyito · 1 year

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ᴊᴏʜɴɴʏ ᴄᴀɢᴇ & ᴋᴇɴꜱʜɪ ᴛᴀᴋᴀʜᴀꜱʜɪ + ᴀ ᴛᴏᴜᴄʜ-ꜱᴛᴀʀᴠᴇᴅ ʙᴏʏꜰʀɪᴇɴᴅ

this ones super self-indulgent, simply cause im in a bit of a mood and i need comfort. so why not write little drabbles with my HUSBANDS!!!! sorry im still working on requests! my schedule is packed and thursdays are about the only days i get to myself, so im working on them, i swear!!!

for more context, there's a couple different ways people can be touch-starved and how people react. i know some people seek out touch actively, but im one of the people who has an aversion to it. that's why it's written like the reader doesn't quite enjoy it!

also, this was kind of inspired by Kocham Wolność by Chłopcy z Placu Broni

cw: male reader, just fluff really, bonus, proofread

-Johnny Cage

Johnny's flashy, touchy, and over-the-top. Of course he is, he has to be. With his status, he wants everyone to know exactly who you are and show you off. You're all his, and only his, and he needs every single one of his fans to know.

So when you shy away from his touch, dodge away from his hand, or even keep your distance the very first time, his heart shatters. He doesn't quite know how to handle it. But he doesn't go with the same approach. He doesn't give up, either.

He's a sucker for physical touch, and if he's denied it, he doesn't know what to do with his hands. He quite literally looks down at them and wonders what he can do.

His first thought is that you dislike him, actually. That you hate him. He has a deep-seated fear of rejection, and for his beloved to turn away from his warmth and love, it stings. He overthinks, and he reacts as such.

Johnny is a 50/50 with being logical. It depends where he is and what environment he is in. However, with love, where he is completely and utterly vulnerable, giving his all to his boyfriend, logic does not take place with his emotions. He does not think that you do not seek the touch he seeks, he craves.

But, before he can let that vile, horrid, agonizing feeling in the back of his throat take hold, there's slight reassurance. A soft gaze that mends his broken heart, if only for a moment. That's when he finally rationalizes.

You don't even need to tell him at that point, he silently understands. Besides, he has other ways he can show his love for you. Spoils you rotten, tells you all he loves about you. See, he can find ways to make up for the lack of physical touch!

Johnny makes sure to ask you before any physical encounter. He asks to hold your hand, asks to hug you, asks to hold you, asks everything. And each time you say yes, he has the biggest grin on his face.

One night, while you two were sitting on the hood of Johnny's car by some cliff,- like those stupid romantic scenes in movies- you lean over to Johnny and rest your head on his shoulder. Your arms are touching, his shoulder provides a comfortable pillow. You feel safe. Gazing at the very few stars scattered in the sky, the night sky's beauty stolen by the city below (and by you, Johnny says). Johnny's beaming. He's trying so hard not to show it, he's trying to act cool. But he can't. He's almost vibrating because of the butterflies in his stomach. He's proud of you, he's in love with you, and god, he's so happy. He leans his head on yours, and whisper all sorts of sweet things, 'I love you', 'You mean so much to me', 'You're the most beautiful man I know', and 'Thank you'.

-Kenshi Takahashi

Since Kenshi focuses on touch mainly in the relationship, he has to re-evaluate how he goes about this without touch. He doesn't start off with it, like Johnny does. But he slowly builds up to it. And when he tries to place a hand on your shoulder, feeling you completely dodge him almost feels humbling.

He's at a loss. But unlike Johnny, his first thought is the right one. Perhaps you aren't ready, you aren't comfortable. And that's okay. He's going to think of different ways to seek out your affection, even though physical touch is the only way he really understands love.

But, he also understands. He knows what it's like to dislike touch, after years of hollow touch and forced affection. And he understands if you just don't trust him enough, he's empathetic.

He'll wait for you, however long it takes. He isn't afraid to admit it's a bit disheartening, but he understands and he loves you and he will always wait for you. He still cherishes your time together, and it isn't spoiled one bit. Besides, he can tell you just how much he adores you. He doesn't have to rely on touch every time.

Like Johnny, he will always ask. But he does prefer that you make the first move, at that point. Any little touch, he also cherishes. Even if it's your hand accidentally brushing against his while walking. You always catch a small smile from him when that happens.

He's happy as is, really. The lack of physical touch doesn't take away anything from the relationship or from you. Simply basking in your presence is enough for you. He adores you, and he knows you're his as much as he's yours. That understanding is really the only thing he craves in the relationship.

He relishes in every little touch you give him, however. Simply holding hands is the most intimate thing to him. He isn't big on PDA, but he loves holding your hand anywhere in public. Even if Sento offers slight guidance to him, he loves knowing you're there to guide him.

The night you finally initiated contact, he fell deeper in love with you. It was quiet, alone, still. In your room, you lay next to him, simply enjoying the pleasures of the mundane. You reach for his hand, and gently trace the ink on his hands. He's calm, collected, but inside burns a fire so bright, that you can feel his body temperature rise. He slowly turns his hand, opening his palm to you. For a moment, your fingers linger, tracing the creases in his hand, before finally intertwining your fingers with his. He turns his head to you, a soft and inviting small on his face. He breaks the silence, whispering an 'I love you, so much', before the silence lay over you two once more.

-Bonus! Johnny Cage AND Kenshi Takahashi

They both agree not to smother you and take their time with you and your comfort. Since most dates and activities will always center around all three of you, they're specifically gentle with you, and are rather hands off with both you and each other (as hard as that is for them).

Just because they are comfortable with each other and each other's touch, doesn't mean they are going to flaunt it. Kenshi believes the ideal is to slowly incorporate you into events. To suffocate you with the idea of touch is too much.

And they do just that. Johnny follows Kenshi's lead, really. Neither of them can live without your touch, and the idea of turning you away is a mutual fear.

When you found yourself between Kenshi and Johnny, simply "watching" a movie from Johnny Dearest, you ended up placing your head in Kenshi's lap, and your legs in Johnny's. You were tired, that was all. Just so happens you had the most comfortable men to lay on. Johnny gave Kenshi the most bewildered look, before realizing the man was still blind. But regardless, Kenshi almost shared the sentiment. However, Kenshi didn't waste his chance. He places his hand on your head, scratching at your scalp. While Johnny just revels in the fact that you've finally warmed up to them.

#*ੈ✩ freyito #mortal kombat 1 x reader #mortal kombat x reader #mortal kombat 1 x male reader #mortal kombat x male reader #johnny cage x reader #johnny cage x male reader #kenshi takahashi x reader #kenshi takahashi x male reader #johny cage x reader x kenshi takahashi

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padfootagain · 29 days

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Love in Verses (IV)

Chapter 4 : ‘For he gave all his heart and lost’

Hi, everyone!!! Chapter 4 is here! Lots of angst in these first chapters, but we need to get the plot fully plotting!

I hope you like this series! Tell me what you think!

****

Pairing: Hozier x fem!reader (professor!AU)

Warnings: slow burn, angst, hurt, hurt/comfort, tooth-rotting fluff in later chapters, some scenes in later chapters will have heavy sexual themes even if it’s not explicit nsfw description, so minors here

Summary: Your life seems perfect. You're engaged, your career is thriving as you become an assistant professor at Trinity College, and this Andrew Hozier-Byrne you're sharing an office with seems to be a nice guy you hope to call a friend soon. Life seems to be smiling at you... until everything goes sour. When your fiancé breaks up with you, your perfect world shatters. And when your colleague also gets his heart broken soon after, your shared office seems to be a curse rather than a blessing. But Andrew seems determined to mend your broken hearts... Will things finally go according to plan?

Word Count: 2888

Masterlist for the series – Hozier’s masterlist – Main masterlist

Never Give All the Heart

Never give all the heart, for love Will hardly seem worth thinking of To passionate women if it seem Certain, and they never dream That it fades out from kiss to kiss; For everything that’s lovely is But a brief, dreamy, kind delight. O never give the heart outright, For they, for all smooth lips can say, Have given their hearts up to the play. And who could play it well enough If deaf and dumb and blind with love? He that made this knows all the cost, For he gave all his heart and lost.

W.B. Yeats

You decided to meet in a pub. Frank was staying with his brother for now, you were keeping the flat you used to share. It felt empty without him, filled with blank spaces. Clothes missing in the dresser, a shelf unused in the bathroom, empty spaces on the bookshelves. Every time you looked up while you ate, you expected to see his face and found nothing but a wooden chair instead. And it was killing you slowly, how much you missed him, how much you missed your lives tangled together, sharing space and habits and everything in between.

Frank’s brother’s place wasn’t an option to meet up, and the home he left seemed unfitting, you reckoned that it had witnessed enough farewells already. So, a neutral land it was, a pub you knew but had spent few nights at. Laughter had been shared, along with kisses and drinks, but only a few times, nothing worth crying over.

Only, when you stepped into the pub, easily spotted Frank sitting there, on a chair at a small table with one spot left empty for you opposite him, you could feel the tears rising to your eyes…

It had been two weeks, since Frank had left, and you were still in shock. Reality had started sinking in, you were beginning to understand what it truly meant to lose him. You were beginning to realise that he was truly gone. And what a terrifying thought that was…

He smiled when he saw you approaching, welcoming, like he was genuinely happy to see you. Was he though? Then why did he leave?

You had broken up your engagement, you had to announce the news to your family, had broken down on the phone with them as you did so. You had warned all the people you had invited that this was over, that you and Frank were breaking up, that there would be no wedding, after all. The humiliation was almost as painful as seeing him again. Almost as dreadful as the knowledge that you would not hesitate to take him back, you were hoping to make him change his mind still… that was how desperate you were to get your life back on track, to set it how it should be again.

You said your hellos, you smiled to each other, he seemed emotional to see you as well. You sat down and took off your jacket like you were on autopilot. Something happening outside your own mind, your own chest, your own body. You expected him to tell you about his day, to say something about sport and any of his interests, to order some drinks for you both and to ask you what you wanted to eat tonight after you got home together. Instead, he smiled, asked you if you wanted a drink, and then he looked at you in silence for a moment.

“You look well,” he said, and you congratulated yourself for the efforts you had put in earlier that evening to look somewhat presentable.

“Thanks. You too.”

It was true, he looked surprisingly well, considering he had shattered the last six years merely a couple of weeks ago.

“Thank you for meeting me tonight, it means a lot.”

“Sure, I… I’m glad you called to ask for this. I… I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

There was so much hope within this stupid, lovesick heart of yours after those words…

You gave him a weak smile, imagined him apologising and asking for forgiveness and begging you to take him back after this crazy mistake of his…

Instead, he asked you about work, you asked him about his day, you chatted for a while, dragging the moment along as if you knew already that things weren’t meant to last anyway, that he was about to break your world again, that you were wrong to hope…

… and eventually, you got to the reason behind his call, to what he wanted to get out of this conversation.

“Look, Y/N… you know you’re important to me. So important… I’m sorry about the wedding. And I’m sorry to have ended things the way I did. I reckon that I should have handled this better, ease you through it better so you wouldn’t hurt so much.”

Every word was a slide from hope to pain, a slope that got steeper and steeper, that pushed you towards the edge of a cliff, to a pit you knew you would fall into because you loved him too much not to.

“I really hope you won’t hate me. I… I know that it was sudden, I know that it might have looked like a shocking decision, and it was, even to me. I really meant to marry you when I proposed, but then, I… I just realised that we weren’t meant for each other. We weren’t meant to spend our entire lives together. And I think that’s okay, really. I still have so much love for you, it’s just… it’s just not strong enough for us to go through with this wedding. Do you understand?”

Slowly, you nodded, trying hard not to cry.

He didn’t love you enough…?

“It’s just… Sometimes, it’s a lot to be with you, to take care of you. It’s not that you’re too much to handle, that’s not what I’m saying. You’re grand, Y/N, you really are. But your career takes a lot of space, you’re moving regularly, and you just… I don’t know. I just want something else, I think. I want… I want someone else.”

He heaved a sigh, rubbing at his forehead like he was the one breaking, like he was the tired one, like it was he who suffered when you struggled not to cry, when you felt the pain of rejection and heartbreak wash over you all over again.

“I still care about you, Y/N. It doesn’t mean that all of my love for you is gone, it only means that… I… I can’t be with you romantically anymore. Do you understand? But I… Y/N, I don’t want you out of my life. I care about you too much, you are too important to me. So, would you… What would you say if I asked for us to remain friends?”

Friends… the word echoed in a mixture of horror, pain and disappointment.

Friends… you should have been about to get married, engaged, in love… and instead he wanted friendship?

It was such a blow to your pride, your self-esteem. But then you thought about it, and a glimmer of hope was alit again, foolish and sickeningly in denial.

But if you remained friends, you would keep in touch, you would keep on seeing him.

And if you remained friends, perhaps you could make him see reason, show him that you were the one he belonged with. You wouldn’t be able to do that if you didn’t talk or see each other.

Friends…

He reached for your hand across the table, sneaking his arm between his drink and yours, hand warm against your cold fingers.

“I don’t want to lose you, Y/N. You’re so important to me. I just… don’t think that it would work out for us if we keep on having a romantic relationship, that’s all. It doesn’t change the fact that I care about you. So much, Y/N…”

You stared at his blue eyes, the blond hair you used to run your fingers through. He was making a mistake, and that was all there was to say about it.

“Okay,” you breathed out, the word escaping without you even noticing its passing of your lips.

He raised a surprised eyebrow, and yet he had a relieved expression painted over his features.

“Really?”

“Yeah, okay. We can still be friends.”

“Oh, Y/N! You can’t imagine how happy I am to hear you say that!”

Happy…

You swallowed back the lump in your throat, forced a smile.

You would make him see reason, he was making a mistake, nothing more…

Things would get back to normal, and you would have your life back. You would have your life back…

She wanted to come over, Andrew wanted to refuse at first. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see his partner, of course he longed for her company. Except, tonight, he was busy. Busy sorting out his thoughts, busy worrying about the sadness that surrounded his colleague, busy worrying about his father, whose medication had been slightly changed, busy trying to write and coming with nothing but a blank page.

It used to be easier, to fill up blank spaces. When he was younger, in his late teens to early twenties, he filled notebooks after notebooks with song lyrics and poems. When Sam and Andrew had met, it was so easy for him to write about love. He was awestruck by her all the time, and he still was, in a way. But then they had grown out of the naïve phase of youth, into proper adults; ones that thought about rent, about food, about taxes, about sacrifices, about laundry and grocery lists and the work to be done the next day. She had turned him down when he had offered for them to move in together, had always refused to speak about marriage. And Andrew tried hard to hide how much her reaction saddened him. It turned off a switch in him, the words were harder to find these days. Growing up, or rather, starting to grow older, that was tough work, tricky work. The kind that left all poetry behind.

He still wrote, the two books he had published were proof, as well as the poems he published regularly in journals. But these days, he couldn’t get a word down, and how was he supposed to communicate and let his feelings out when he struggled so much saying them out loud? Speeches had never been his strong suit, it was through the mask of metaphors, the rhythm of rimes, the cadence of alliterations that he managed to express himself. It was therapeutic, in a way.

But in the past few weeks, Andrew had not written a word. He was too worried for that. There was something off with Sam, and he didn’t know what it could be. It made him anxious. He tiptoed around her a lot these days, worried about what would happen if they started fighting over anything, no matter how small the issue. Perhaps that was why he couldn’t write, he wasn’t sure… No matter the reason, his sudden inability to produce anything even vaguely decent made him spiral into doubts and anxiety. He didn’t need that to second-guess his decisions, to doubt his own worth…

He heaved a sigh, closing his laptop, checking the time. Almost 9 p.m, Sam would soon be there. As if on cue, Elwood barked twice when a knock on the door broke the silence of Andrew’s flat.

She was early, as per usual, when he was always late to everything. It annoyed her to no end.

Andrew went to open the door, welcomed Sam with a forced smile, but she seemed not to notice. She merely hummed a hello, let him kiss her cheek, before walking inside the flat. Elwood approached, unhurried, looked up in hope to be petted. Sam granted him a few scratches, before turning away. The dog merely huffed, and walked over to Andrew, rubbing his side against his human’s leg, looking for the attention he craved for. Andrew granted it to him easily.

“How was your day, baby?” he asked Sam in a sweet tone, but she shrugged, waiting for Andrew to move out of the hallway and into the living room.

“Not much. You?”

“I’m fine, yeah.”

He wanted to talk about his research, and how he wanted to start writing a new article, how he was almost done planning out his class for Yeats’s poetry, how sad you looked still, how worried he was for his family these days. Instead, Sam claimed the conversation, and he didn’t try to fight against it so he could speak again.

“I wanted to talk to you, Andy.”

“Sure, what’s up?” he asked back, standing straighter, quitting Elwood’s petting and following Sam to sit on his sofa.

She seemed nervous, in a way she rarely was around him. He was nervous too now, had a bad feeling about all of this.

“I don’t know how to say this,” she spoke in a weak voice, he reached for her hand to reassure her.

“Straightforwardly,” he answered with a smile.

He pushed back a strand of hair behind his ear, tiredly adjusted his glasses. Slowly, she nodded, took a deep breath before speaking.

“Andy… you know how important you are to me. You’re… you’re the first man I ever truly loved, the first person I could see myself with on the long run. And I care about you, about your happiness… I care so much. And this is very hard for me to do this to you, to us, but…”

She took another deep, slow breath, and Andrew could see the tears in her eyes, the way she struggled to hold them back. He knew what was coming, didn’t want to think it true, but it was.

He knew his world was about to get shattered before she spoke the words he dreaded.

“I’ve been happy with you, genuinely happy. But this… I’m so sorry, Andy, but I think we need to break up.”

Andrew blinked at her, his brain refusing to understand her words, refusing to work now. He forced himself back to the present, forced himself to repeat her words.

Break up…

“What… What do you mean? What do you mean ‘break up’? You… you want us to take a break?”

“No, Andy. I want us to break up. For good. I’m so sorry.”

“But, I… I love you. We’re… we’re good together, we… we belong together.”

“I’m sorry, Andy. But I don’t think that’s true anymore.”

“What triggered this? Did I do something wrong? Are you angry at me? I… I can change for you. I can make things better. I can make you happy, do whatever you want me to do…”

“I’m sorry… there’s nothing to do. It’s not… it’s not you. I just feel like… we’re not on the same page, anymore. We were so young when we got together, we’ve grown into different people. I… I’m sorry.”

“Why now? What happened?”

“Nothing…”

“I know you, Sam. I know you better than anyone. I know you’re lying. What happened? What triggered this?”

“Andy…”

“I don’t want you to leave… we can make things work!”

“We can’t…”

“We can make efforts, we can…”

“I don’t want to, Andy. I’m sorry. I just… I love you, but… not enough, anymore.”

These were the words that made him break, that turned his desperate tone into silence, his begging eyes into teary ones. He started crying.

She didn’t love him anymore…

Not enough…

“But I love you…”

“I’m sorry, Andy.”

He let tears overcome him, drown him into silence. Sam was crying as well, but not as violently.

“Why? Why now?”

“I just… nothing, I just…”

But she fell silent, and Andrew wasn’t a fool.

“Is there someone else?”

She looked away, looking guilty.

This couldn’t be happening…

“We met just about two months ago. I just… I think I’m falling in love with him. And if I can love him, it means I don’t love you the way I should anymore…”

He buried his face in his hands.

This could not be happening…

He refused to ask her if she had been having an affair, Andrew knew he didn’t have the strength to hear her answer.

He was falling; falling into an endless pit and he would die once she would have left with the ground in her care.

They fought after that, he tried to hold her back. And perhaps she didn’t deserve it, but Andrew was in love, and he had thought for years that she was the one, that them, their couple, was the constant element in his life. He fought for her, there was nothing he could do. When she said she would only be happy with someone else, he let her go.

He cried all night, called in sick the next day. He answered your worried email, explaining what had happened in a clear, concise way that left out any detail. You said you were sorry. It didn’t make him feel better at all. In the evening he got so drunk he had no memory left of that night in the morning. For a moment he thought none of this had happened, the pain through his skull was too vivid for that. But then reality came back, and when he hurried to the bathroom to throw up, he wasn’t sure whether he was sick because of the remnants of alcohol in his system or because of the pain of losing her.

When she texted a few days later asking if they could still stay in touch, Andrew was too heartbroken to see the red flags. He answered yes, dreamt of having Sam back in his bed, thought about ways to win her over again, and fell asleep that night out of exhaustion and too many tears.

#hozier #andrew hozier byrne #the hoziest #hozier x reader #hozier x you #hozier x y/n #hozier fanfiction #hozier x fem!reader #hozier fanfic #hozier series #hozier professor au #hozier au #fanfic #fanfiction #writing #series

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kaiannae · 16 days

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It is time- (Or: It Has Begin XD)

Greetings, my dear readers, it has been quite some time. First and foremost I would like to assure you that yes, I'm alive, and no, I have not abandoned my writing. But, I HAVE been distracted by somehing in the last few months, and I think its time to reveal it. I made a game! And not just a game, a Shadowgast game. I would like to present to you:

Beacon Run.

Ko-Fi This game begun its existance as a homework project for a game dev course I took about a year ago. I was supposed to implement a simple chase and pickup game and I thought, "Why use some random sprites when all I can imagine is small chibi Caleb chasing small chibi Essek around while Essek is trying to nom beacons?"

This idea lit a fire in my brain, and I just had to implement it but I had a very short time for the assignment. Iended up implementing something very simple, but I just couldn't let it go afterwards and vowed I was going to finish that small game and get it out for the fandom to play.

It has since been rewriteen, refactored and recoded several times, until I had something workable to show others. This is the place to mention the major contribution the people fo AIFL had on this little game. As I was maing this game, I shared its early stages with the server, and people have been kind in thier enthusasm, gave me ideas and provided invaluable criticism and feedback. They kept me motivated and kept me going through the lows of frustration one gets when coding. I got @bumble-b-goode 's permission to use their designs for the Weezards and drew my own sprites using that as inspiration. I ended up creating most of the assets for this game. Drawing the art assets took quite some time and I've learned a lot in the process.

Beacon Run not big or complicated as a game. In essence, is a tribute and a love letter to the Critical Role community and the CR crew. To the people who brought to life the Mighty Nein and have shared, and continue to share their stories with us on a weekly basis throughout the years. For Liam and Matt, who have weaved the tale of two broken wizards mending each other into better people, and keep their children of ink and paper alive for us to enjoy. The game: You as a player, are randomly assigned a little wizard to play for each match, so you can play as Essek or Caleb. The board dimensions and obstacles and even the flooring art are randomized for each match so each match is different. Your goal: to collect as many Beacons as you can during the allotted time, and end up with more Beacons than your rival which is the other wizard played by the computer. You gain projectiles over time, which are fake Beacons you can throw at the other wizard. If hit, the rival wizard is stunned for a short time, and drops several of his picked up Beacons for you to gather. However, beware! The rival wizard can also shoot you and stun you for a short while, and make you drop beacons as well. (You might notice that Essek gets stunned by sour lemon Beacons, while Caleb gets stunned by hand-knitted wool Beacons XD) In addition, when the rival is hit, he may drop a Magic Abeyance Bead which contains a Chronurgy spell. if you pick it up, it will provide a short time bonus for the match. In short, the game is a small, cozy game, made out of love for the wizards and the fandom, and I hope you'll enjoy it! I it still in the late stages of testing and development, as the feedback players provide is invaluable and lets me find bugs, add ideas and content suggested and tweak the mechanics to make it more enjoyable. So I would very much appreciate feedback, suggestions, con-crit etc. I would be happy to head what you like about it, what you think needs tweaking, ideas of content to add.... you name it! (Note that currently, the game does not work on mobile. I am planing to revamp the input system and add touch suport for mobile in the near future) Also it is worth mentioning that as I fix bugs, add content and tweak things, I upload new versions of the game so its worth following the Devlog and updates. The game is avaliable for play in the embedded player on the page, and also available for download to play offline (Though you might need to redownload it with every new version as I don't have an auto updater for it.)

In addition, if you like my work, feel like enabling me to make more of these or just want to buy me a coffee, It is always very much appreciated as it sure helps me stay afloat! Tip Jar

So, I hope you forgive me for my lack of writing for the last few months. I really wanted to get this out. I am trying to keep writing in my spare time, but the muses haven't been with me lately. I hope that now that this is out I can finally get my mind off it XD Stay tuned!

#shadowgast #caleb widogast #essek thelyss #critical role #critical role fanart #game making #the mighty nein #Beacon Run

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sorrowsofsilence · 8 months

Text

Burning Out • V

Pairing: Noah Sebastian x Fem!Reader

I was lost, but now I'm found Under the lights and in the sounds So let us sing and sing it loud That we're not perfect, but we're proud of who we are.

Noah Sebastian is lost. His crime-filled lifestyle is anything but perfect; but everything changes once he meets you.

Words: 6.6k

General Fanfic Warnings: 18+, explicit language, smut, alcohol, drugs, violence, mentions murder/suicide, panic attacks/anxiety, nightmares

Authors note: Chapter Five- A Dreamlike Heathen (EDITED: 09-03-24)

new? start from chapter one here

THIS IS A FANFICTION USING REAL PEOPLE IN A FICTIONAL SITUATION! I AM NOT IMPLYING THESE PEOPLE WOULD DO THE THINGS IN THE STORY OR ACT THE WAY THEY DO IN THE STORY, IN REAL LIFE! IT IS SIMPLY FICTION, AND JUST FOR FUN! THINK OF THEM AS ACTORS LOL.

"Fuck, Noah," she moaned, throwing her head back against the mirror as she rode the wave of pleasure. Her eyebrows were furrowed in ecstasy.

"Don't stop," she begged, and I didn't. I gave her everything I had.

"Come for me, Y/N," I said between licks and squeezes of her hips. "Be a good girl for me."

As her legs started to tremble and her mouth opened in a silent scream, she reached the peak of her climax. I continued until she pushed me away, her breathing becoming shallow as she caught her breath. I took hold of her chin and brought her lips to mine, yearning for her to taste herself on my tongue.

Life had broken her; just as it had broken him. But when they got together, their pieces became whole. And they started on their journey, together, mended as one. - Steve Maraboli

+++++

NOAH

Twenty fucking thousand dollars. Twenty.

My thoughts were consumed by two things. The first was the daunting task of coming up with all the money myself. And the second, the fact that I had slept with Y/N last night. The next morning, I sat on the cot in our motel room, my head buried in my hands as my leg fidgeted anxiously.

“I-I should go,” Y/N hopped off the counter, wiping my release off of her stomach before readjusting her shorts.

“wait-” I grabbed her wrist, pulling her back toward my drunken state, “can I see you again?”

She gave me a wry smile, “I’d like that.” She tugged from my grasp but I held her tighter, pulling her into my arms.

My body remained swaying, the euphoria and alcohol mixed, “do you regret what just happened?”

I wasn’t sure if this question was for me, or her.

“No,” She said, her fingertips running up the skin of my neck. She fit against my body perfectly, as if she was always meant to be there.

I had left the bar with the boys minutes after fucking Y/N’s brains out, stealing lingering glances at her figure behind the counter before parting. Even though I was drunk, I couldn’t believe it happened… but I needed a release, a bit of euphoria to ride out through dealing with the crushing news D gave us.

Twenty thousand.

My eyes settled on the anklet that D had forced me to wear, the green dot blinking every few seconds. I couldn't believe that the bastard was tracking our every move now. He'd been following us for years, but this was taking it to a whole new level.

I had no idea how I was going to come up with that much money on my own. The boys and I took turns doing jobs each night just to keep our sanity, but the fact that I had to keep a log of where we got the money from and submit it to one of D's lackeys so he could monitor my work was absurd.

To make twenty thousand by the end of the month, I'd need to bring in approximately 645 dollars per day since there were 31 days. Realistically, that didn't seem too difficult when broken down, but some days we would bring in thousands while others we would make absolutely nothing. At least my final day of owing would also be my birthday; what a great present.

I let out a groan and flopped onto the mattress on the floor, feeling overwhelmed by my thoughts. Everything had led up to this moment, and I still felt completely screwed over.

Jolly sat on his bed, strumming away at his old acoustic guitar that was barely holding onto its strings. With his fingers dancing along the neck, I closed my eyes and let myself get lost in the rhythm he created, tapping my fingers along to the beat.

I began humming, words spiralling out of my mouth subconsciously, “I’ve seen the devil, more than I’ve seen god.”

Jolly gave me a slight snicker, continuing to strum, “I like that.”

“I see through you, I know what you are.”

I repeated the two phrases over and over, singing lowly as I continued to drum my fingers. Hmm. I checked the time on my phone briefly, realizing it was 4:30 pm.

I sat up, grabbed my bag and swung it over my shoulder.

“Where are you going?” Jolly asked.

“To see Y/N.”

“Why?” Jolly stopped playing, placing the guitar across the bedsheets.

It's been twenty long years I've cried, but not enough tears I've become the sum of all my fears (I feel scared, so scared)

I stared at him blankly, the cogs within my mind turning to find an answer themselves. Why was I going to see her? Why did I care that I made it for when she got off work at the cafe? Something about her was magnetizing, and I couldn’t help but crave more. I wanted to explore her mind and body; to know her in every way possible.

I don’t have time to think of someone like her; I don’t deserve to think of someone like her.

I have a job to do.

But I don’t care.

“I don’t know,” I turned to look at him with my hand on the doorknob.

Jolly’s eyes watched back quizzically, “I think you should leave her out of this. Break it off now.”

I furrowed my brows, “There’s nothing to break off.”

Jolly gave me a curt laugh, “Yea, which is why you fucked in the bathroom yesterday. Nothing to break off.”

My face warmed, unsure of how he knew. I didn’t think it was obvious.

“She seems like a nice girl. You wouldn’t want to get her killed,” Jolly warned. He wasn’t wrong. This line of business wasn’t exactly safe, and I knew I shouldn’t get Y/N involved.

“She already knows too much,” I said, avoiding his eyes as I stared at the floor.

“Det är inte riktigt rätt möblerat på övervåningen hos dig.” Jolly groaned, rubbing his eyes with his palm. Your top floor is not properly furnished (Mind is a mess).

I rolled my eyes, “Oh don’t bring out the Swedish insults you asshat.”

“Well, I suggest you break her heart now before it’s too late.”

I bit my lip as I opened the door, ignoring his burning words.

“Din jävla fubbick,” I heard the swede mutter before I shut the door. You damn moron.

Guilt crept over me like a heavy wave as I walked quickly through the parking lot of the motel. My mind was racing and my hands were slick with sweat.

What am I doing? Jolly was right; Y/N shouldn’t be dragged into this mess. But at the same time, I couldn’t deny the pull towards her. It had been years since I had someone who truly listened to me and understood me. Someone who I could relate to besides my brothers. And she was stunningly beautiful, with her sparkling eyes filled with so much hope; something I aspired to have one day. Maybe I could even share with her one day.

Hope.

You gave me a strength unparalleled But nothing compared to how much I've bled (I feel scared, so scared)

+++++

Y/N

He hasn’t shown up for his coffee again today. Did he regret what happened last night?

I swept between the tables and recalled the previous events. I don’t even know what came over me yesterday, but I do know that I didn’t have any regrets.

I knew my face began to warm as I recalled the way Noah’s fingers dug into my hips, gripping onto me as he pounded into me mercilessly; drowning his sorrows through the pleasure of our bodies.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the way he stared into me, aching with fervour and hunger, begging me to give everything to him.

I wanna know what it feels like Is it nothing but dreamlike? I wanna touch you now

It was anything but romantic- having a quick fuck in the bathroom of a bar, but I longed for Noah even more after that.

I feel like I’m going crazy. How could he have such a hold over me, especially after finding out he is a criminal? I should be running; so why can’t I let him go?

Lust? Infatuation? Whatever it is, I crave him.

I pushed away my thoughts, finishing the rest of my closing tasks and clocking out. I waved to Annika as I pulled my hoodie over my head, grabbing my bag and de-tangling my earbuds.

As I stepped outside, someone grabbed my hand and tugged me towards them. I let out a surprised squeal as he pulled me into his embrace, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.

"Noah?" I looked up at the man above me, admiring the tattoo on his neck before meeting his gaze, feeling a familiar flutter in my heart. His smiling eyes met mine as he wrapped his other arm around me, enveloping me in a warm hug. A grin spread across my face as I buried it in his chest, taking in his surprisingly comforting scent.

"I'm sorry I didn’t come today," Noah murmured into my hair, his breath warm against my scalp. "I had some... business to attend to."

I pulled back slightly, searching his face for any hint of what that "business" might have entailed. His eyes, usually so expressive, were guarded now. A reminder of the dangerous world he inhabited, one I was only beginning to glimpse.

"It's okay," I said, trying to keep my voice light. "I was starting to think you were avoiding me after last night."

Noah's grip on me tightened, and he leaned down to brush his lips against my ear. "Trust me, sweetheart, avoiding you is the last thing on my mind."

A shiver ran through me at his words, at the promise they held. I knew I should be scared, should run far away from this man and the darkness that clung

How can it feel so right? It is nothing but dreamlike I'm gonna touch you now

“But you came now,” I said.

“I wanted to be here for when you got off work,” He said, squeezing me gently before letting go. “Do you want to do something before your next shift?”

I gave him a cheeky grin, “Something?”

Noah's eyes darkened with desire as he caught my meaning. He leaned in close, his lips brushing my ear. "I have a few ideas," he murmured, his voice low and husky.

A thrill shot through me at his words. I knew I was playing with fire, but I couldn't resist the pull between us.

Noah licked his lips before matching my smile, putting his finger through the belt loop of my jeans, and tugging me along beside him as we walked down the sidewalk. I flushed at the gesture as he held me next to him as if claiming me for his own.

“I meant like, dinner,” He hummed, “but I also can’t stop thinking about last night.”

“Come Y/N,” he had said between sucking and squeezing my hips, “be a good girl for me.”

A shudder ran down my spine as my mind wandered, and I peered up at Noah, his cheeks flushing through his confession.

“Me too,” I said softly, “Did you want to come back to my place? We could order takeout… because I need to get my clothes for my next shift.”

“I’d like that,” Noah peered down at me warmly.

We walked together in silence, the only sound the bustle of life that surrounded the sidewalk as we passed various shops, heading towards my neighbourhood. For “level two acquaintances” the silence between the two of us was soothing, something that I think shocked us both.

With a gentle release, Noah loosened his grip on my belt loop, tucking his hands into his pockets. His brow furrowed with deep contemplation and worry as if something was gnawing at him from within. I turned to face him, noticing the slight creases in his forehead and the furrowed lines around his mouth, betraying his inner turmoil

“Did you want to talk about it?” I asked gently, looking ahead as the light breeze slid past my cheeks.

Noah was quiet, eyes darting back and forth, “I trust you so much, and I don’t know why.”

I nodded, agreeing with his concern silently, letting him continue.

“and I don’t know who else to talk to about this with…my brothers are too involved and have enough opinions as it is,” Noah said, following me down the path that led us towards my house.

“Remember how I told you we owe a lot of money to this… guy? Well, this month is supposed to be our last month, and then we are finally free.”

I smiled widely, grabbing Noah’s arm in excitement, shaking him gently, “That’s great news! You’ll be done with it forever!”

Noah chuckled darkly, rolling his head to the side in annoyance, “Yeah, well, there’s a catch.”

My grip on his arm fell, a sullen expression taking over my joy.

“I have to get him twenty thousand, myself. The boys can’t help me.”

“Twenty thousand?” I exclaimed, stopping in my tracks to look at him, “That’s a shit ton of money.”

Noah’s hand ran across his face in frustration, pinching the bridge of his nose, “I know. I am beyond fucked.”

I blinked a few times in disbelief as we approached the steps to my house, the greeting of Juice’s trill on the other side of the door inviting us in. Noah was immediately bombarded with cat love and he gave the furry animal a small smile, bending down to scratch the top of his head before running his fingers down Juice’s back.

Closing the door I kicked off my sneakers, hanging my bag on the coat rack. Noah followed, placing his black vans politely by the front door; which was when I noticed a small anklet blinking beneath the hem of his pants.

I stared at it quizzically, and Noah caught my gaze. He lifted his leg, mouth forming a tight line.

“Like my new accessory?” Anger seethed from his tongue as he gave me a sarcastic smile, before standing in front of me, completely defeated.

I led us upstairs into my bedroom, “What is it?”

“A tracker.”

I paused at the top of the stairs and turned to face him, my eyes narrowing in confusion. "What kind of tracker?" I shifted my gaze between Noah and the small device attached to his ankle.

With a heavy sigh, he followed me into my bedroom and flopped onto my bed. His limbs sprawled out as he explained, "The guy we owe money to, D, said we have to wear these trackers to make sure I'm not getting help from the boys. And I have to keep a record of where the money comes from and deposit it weekly to match my location."

"And you just found this out last night?"

His nod was barely perceptible, yet I could see the frustration etched on Noah's face as he closed his eyes tightly. Tears glistened at the corners, threatening to spill over. I stood by the bed, observing as his whole body seemed to crumble before me. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and crawled onto the bed beside him. He shifted over, making room for me as I sat up next to him. Gently, he rested his head on my lap, seeking comfort and solace in my touch as silent tears fell from his lashes.

“I…I’m barely holding on,” He whispered.

My fingers began running through Noah’s scalp, lacing themselves through his chestnut strands in an attempt to soothe him, showing my support. I hear you.

My heart yearned for him once again, filled with sorrow and pain as he suffered in torment, dealing with the burden of his demons. Noah didn’t deserve this. He was young when he fucked up, and he hasn’t been able to escape. I saw myself within his pain, my past mirroring back at me.

“I just keep hoping that one day I’ll have something else motivating me- something more than fear, more than spite. I wanna feel like I’m living.”

I listened to Noah’s words as they resonated with me. I too, wanted to feel like I was living.

I had never been part of the right crowd, and I was always getting into trouble, due to the influence of my previous relationships. I followed their shenanigans because I had nobody else to model- and I made some poor choices. I chose to follow them.

However, I also chose to leave- to start fresh and to forget about my past. People can change, and people can grow, and Noah deserved the same opportunity. He was being puppeteered by an evil man; and I wanted to help him escape, as much as he wanted his freedom.

I chewed my cheek in contemplation, fingers still stroking his hair, “let me help you, Noah.”

“Help with what?”

“The money. You don’t deserve to do it alone.”

Noah sat up now, watching me intensely from across the bed, “You’ve built yourself a new life Y/N. Don’t fuck it up now.”

He was right. Why was I willing to risk it all?

“I’ve been willing to fuck it up the second I saw you at the cafe,” I traced his face, analyzing his expression before my mind wandered to an idea; one so insane I couldn't even believe I was about to suggest this.

“I’m going to sound crazy, and I can’t believe I’m going to say this,” I hesitated for a moment, sucking in a breath between my teeth, “but why don't you come live with me? You and your brothers?”

Noah’s eyes widened, lips parting slightly in perplexity. He blinked a few times, and I continued my thought.

“You won’t need to pay rent or anything, so you guys can save money to pay this D guy faster. The motel money probably adds up.”

Noah slid off the bed, standing up abruptly, folding his arms over his body in defence, “You cannot be serious,” he laughed with incredulity.

“Listen, Noah,” I scooted to sit on the edge of the bed, looking up at him, “I was stuck for a long time, and I didn’t have a helping hand… but I have enough to offer you. I know what it’s like to struggle.”

Noah’s fingers ran through his hair as he began pacing, shaking his head, “I don’t need your pity Y/N.”

“This isn’t pity, I swear,” I stood up, approaching Noah gently, holding both of his biceps to keep him in place from his anxious wading, “I wished someone had helped me when I needed it.”

He stared down at me in complete disbelief, his eyes scanning mine for any signs of doubt; but I remained confident in my suggestion, staring at him assuringly.

“so let me help you,” I whispered, reaching up to place a gentle hand on his cheek. With a racing heart, I rubbed my thumb across his skin, bewildered at my words.

He closed his eyes in conflict and placed a hand on top of my own, clammy and nervous.

“Why are you helping a monster?” Noah breathed, leaning into my touch, curious eyes observing me.

“Everyone deserves help. You deserve it.”

What are we allowed to do? What are we allowed to be?

“You’re not a monster Noah,” placing a hand on his other cheek, I stood on my tiptoes, pulling him down towards me, kissing the tip of his nose delicately.

I wanna cross the line with you Let's pass the point of no return

Noah watched me with pure awe, matching me by grabbing either side of my face, and placing his forehead on my own, “You are fucking crazy.”

Is this wrong? I don't wanna know A big mistake? I don't wanna know

I chuckled softly, “I completely agree with you, I think I am insane for offering this.”

I wanna know what it feels like Is it nothing but dreamlike? I wanna touch you now

Noah laughed quietly with me, still in complete doubt. His eyes kept trailing between my own and my lips, as if trying not to kiss me, before giving in.

How can it feel so right? It is nothing but dreamlike I'm gonna touch you now

Noah's lips pressed against mine with a tender urgency, as if longing to convey all the emotions he couldn't put into words. The warmth of his touch seeped through my skin and I felt myself melting into him. Our kiss deepened, the intensity building between us like an invisible electric current.

We stood there, locked in each other's embrace for what felt like an eternity before Noah pulled away, his eyes still fixed on mine. His thumb gently caressed my bottom lip, leaving a tingling sensation in its wake. He leaned his forehead against mine, his breath warm against my skin as we stayed entwined in our own little world of shared desire.

“I’m sorry, not sorry for breaking into your house; because otherwise, we wouldn’t be here,” Noah said.

“I forgive you, clearly,” I laughed, “but you could always try to make it up to me again if you feel like it?”

Noah let out a puff of air, hands running down my neck along my curves, resting at the top of my hips, “I like that idea.”

I grinned at him, my hands resting at the back of his tattooed neck, the apple and snake teasing me.

Noah's warm breath tickled my ear as he leaned in close. "I can't stop thinking about how you taste," he whispered, referring to our one brief encounter. I moaned softly as he hungrily kissed me again, feeling a sense of relief wash over me. Our heads tilted and we shared passionate open-mouthed kisses, devouring each other in the moment. Noah pressed his hips against mine, causing a soft moan to escape from my throat. As much as I wanted to continue, I couldn't ignore the fact that I had to go to work soon.

I pushed his chest gently, “It’s already 6… I need to leave for work in half an hour.”

Noah gave me a sly smile, “You underestimating my skills?”

I chuckled, “Not at all.”

“I bet I could make you come in two minutes,” His fingers trailed up the sides of my torso, fingers tracing circles across the skin.

I hummed, “Hmm, what do I get if you can’t?”

Noah leaned towards my ear, fingers squeezing right below my chest, “then I’ll fuck you so hard you won’t be able to walk, and you’ll come again.”

My body shivered from his words, and my stomach began to swirl with excitement as Noah’s hands worshiped my body, whispering lustful promises as he peppered kisses down my neck. Noah peeked over at the clock on my nightstand briefly.

“6:04.”

I closed my eyes as my breath quickened, following Noah towards the wall. My back pressed against it as he pushed against me, his body radiating heat. He gripped my wrists and pinned them above my head, holding me in place while his other hand trailed down to my waistline, igniting my desire.

I succumbed to Noah’s touch as his touch slid through me, circling and prodding. Whatever he was doing left me completely giving in to his caress; the fact both of us were still completely clothed made this moment that much more invigorating.

Noah’s teeth hooked on my bottom lip as he ravaged my mouth. I moaned earnestly as his fingers sank through my slick, curling towards my need. His palm pushed against me, rubbing and maintaining a repetitive pattern, and my legs began to give out. How he could make me surrender with his hand alone had me flustered.

(I'm in a) (I'm in a) (I'm in a) I'm in a, I'm in a dreamlike state

I rutted my hips towards his touch and Noah smiled into my lips, “so needy,” he mumbled.

I sighed eagerly as he continued his method, my body trembling in response, close to my release.

“C’mon princess, you can do it,” Noah muttered, trailing his lips down my neck towards my collarbone, before snagging his teeth on a sensitive spot. He sucked and nibbled at my skin, branding me.

I didn’t even care, exhilaration taking over.

Noah slipped his fingers out, sliding them up until he reached the top, pressing the pad of his fingers and circling them quickly. I shuddered, my body crumbling as I cried out his name.

Can it feel so right? It is nothing but dreamlike I'm gonna touch you now

Noah smiled into me again as his head lay pressed against my neck, satisfied and prideful of his actions.

My chest heaved as I came down from the high, folding off of the wall into his arms. I clutched onto his sweater for support, turning my head to the clock. 6:08

“That was four minutes,” I panted.

“Looks like I owe you,” Noah’s smug smile said it all.

I chuckled, looking up at him, eyes dilated with satisfaction “Oh, what a shame.”

Noah grinned, the whites of his teeth making my heart flutter. He sat on my bed, adjusting himself in his pants before watching me pace around my room, picking out my work clothes.

I opted for leggings and a square-cut long-sleeve. I took the clothes out of my closet, holding them to my chest before turning around.

“Uh…” I looked at the brunette, his hair cascading down his face perfectly, “Do you uhm, can you turn around?”

Noah choked out a laugh, “huh? you do realize that I’ve seen you like, partially naked? And just touched you?”

My face flushed, “Yeah… but still.”

Noah chuckled, obliging as he turned around on the bed to face the wall. I began stripping, pulling my leggings up before changing my shirt. I peered at Noah, noticing his head whip back around.

“Hey!” I laughed, “No peaking!”

Noah turned around once I was dressed, sticking his tongue out playfully, “Whatever do you mean?”

I rolled my eyes as Noah stood up, scratching the back of his neck, “I’d say we’ve at least levelled up to buddies.”

Yea, fuck buddies?

I hummed, “I agree, definitely more than level-two acquaintances.”

Noah nodded at me with a lighthearted glare, “Friends would be too far right now.”

“Definitely,” I mimicked his expression before leading us down the stairs.

“I’m sorry we didn’t get to eat,” I said, “but if you want, you could come to the bar?”

“I’d like that,” Noah bent down to slip on his vans as I put on my black Converse.

I chewed my lip, “Did you want to invite your friends? Maybe talk about the offer?”

Noah stood up, frowning, “Y/N- I couldn’t do that to you.”

“Well, at least ask them, see what they say,” I looked at him with a serious expression, “I wasn’t kidding with the offer. I have the basement finished but unfurnished; and a spare bedroom upstairs. You guys would have your own space.”

Noah stared at the floor, kicking up the side of the carpet nervously, “I mean I’ll talk to them.”

I couldn’t help but smile widely, “Please do. Now lets go or I’ll be late.”

+++++

NOAH

Ruffilo, Jolly, Folio and I sat in a booth at Sammy’s, with the trio observing me intently as I recounted the situation. "She offered us a place to stay for free," I whispered to my companions, stealing glances at Y/N as she attended to customers. Her hair, a lovely shade of H/C, framed her face delicately, and my heart skipped a beat at the sight of her genuine and radiant smile as she served drinks to the woman in front of her. She brought light and charisma into the room with her presence, igniting an incandescence that was hard to ignore.

“No fucking way we are doing that,” Jolly said, glancing at Y/N briefly before folding his arms, sinking into the leather of the booth.

“I mean,” Nick began, looking between us, “This would help us out a lot Jolly.”

“-and Noah,” Nicholas said, “Like we pay roughly 130 bucks a night. That’s $3,900 we’d save him right there.”

All of us peered over at Y/N, and she lifted her head, giving us all a smile.

“Why would she do that for you? For us? What’s in it for her?” Jolly said, skeptical.

I had no fucking idea why she would, but I was desperate for any amount of help I could get.

I shrugged, “I don’t know.”

She was selfless, enigmatic, and completely sublime.

“How long have you known her?” Nick raised a brow, plucking a fry from the plate in the middle of us.

I winced, “Er, two days?”

Folio’s eyes bulged out of his head as he leaned forward, chest pressed into the table, “Ain’t no fucking way this is real. She has to be getting something out of it.”

Jolly snorted, “yea, his dick.”

I scoffed, rolling my head back dramatically, “Oh fuck off !”

“That’s not what the hickey on her neck-”

“Oh, Can it Jolly, have any of you ever thought that maybe Y/N is just a nice person?

I reached for a fry and dunked it in ketchup before taking a bite. "People like us don't deserve kindness." Ruffilo glanced at me, clearly disappointed. "Don't say that. We've done some questionable things, but it's how we survive." "And besides," added Folio, "we can't offer financial assistance. D doesn't even know Y/N exists, so he wouldn't suspect any involvement from us." Nicholas nodded in agreement.

I watched the three of them as they gave me a sullen smile, “I’m worried D will be suspicious that our locations will move though; and that it will put her in danger.”

“She must know there’s a risk, considering you filled her in on everything,” Nick took a sip of his beer.

“Why she’s willing to risk everything she’s worked towards beats me,” I said, sighing heavily.

“Worked towards?” Nicholas asked.

The boys waited for me to answer.

She bargains with the world So everything she wants will come to her With no greed inside her mind She knows what she deserves

“She’s been through some fucked up shit I guess, but she saved a bunch of money and moved here to start over her life. She works two jobs almost every day to afford everything,” I looked back at Y/N for a prolonged period, my heart beating quickly, “She just kept telling me she knows what it’s like, and she wished people helped her.”

“So pity?” Jolly gave me a sarcastic smile, nodding rapidly.

“No,” I defended, “because she is a generous person.”

We remained silent, chewing our food quietly before Jolly spoke.

“Well, I suppose it’s worth a shot,” He said, eying the fries before staring at me, “for Noah.”

“Yeah, for me, but also you guys. She offered it to all of us,” I said.

Nicholas looked over at her warmly, “That’s kind of her. Really kind.”

We fell from sky with grace And landed in her soft and warm embrace She gave her love, her gift of life So we could live with her

I stood up, walking towards the bar, sitting on a stool in front of her. She nodded to another customer before smiling at me, waltzing over.

“So?” She bit her lip, almost looking hopeful.

I picked at the resin counter, my nail grinding within a divot in the material as I distracted myself from her, “How early can we move in?”

“Tonight if you want.”

Y/N and I shared a look before I nodded, giving a gentle laugh, “Okay. Want to meet your new roommates? Considering you haven’t even met the guys you offered your entire life to.”

Y/N laughed, “yea. I’m realizing how crazy I sound the more realistic this becomes.”

I motioned for the boys to come over and they did, each with a beer in their hand, sitting on either side of me along the counter.

Y/N gave them a sunny grin, introducing herself.

“It’s nice to see you again,” Nicholas said politely.

“You as well,” she nodded, before looking at Folio.

“I’m Nick, Nick folio,” He held out his hand, wrapping around her own and shaking.

She then moved to Jolly, who gave her a curt smile. Although he was stand-off-ish, she greeted him warmly.

“Joakim, but call me Jolly,”

“So, tonight?” I eyed everyone, who all turned to look at Y/N.

She shrugged, “I’m off at midnight. I can help take stuff over.”

“Well, we don’t exactly have a lot. We can probably take everything in two trips,” Nick said.

“I can help, I’ll meet you guys at the motel.”

+++++

We carefully packed all of our belongings into our backpacks and suitcases, and my chest tightened as I realized that we were leaving the place we had called 'home' for the past few years.

Nick shook his head in disbelief as he played Tetris with our belongings, fitting them perfectly into our vehicle.

"I have to admit," Nicholas said as he helped Jolly carry out their old guitars, "It will be a nice change to live in an actual house for a while."

“Good point,” Jolly mumbled, “But I’m still suspicious.”

That is why we live like heathens Stealing from the trees of Eden

Y/N made it over to the motel around 12:30, and we packed her car as well.

All of us stood outside the motel, part of us grieving for departing what we’ve always known; the other relishing in gratitude for this new opportunity.

Y/N placed a hand on my shoulder as I stared at the motel door plaintively.

Living in the arms of freedom And everything we touch is evil That is why we live like heathens

I gave her a sorrowful smile before nodding at my brothers, “Y/N will lead the way.”

As I sat in the passenger seat of Y/N's car, my eyes drifted to the window as we drove past towering buildings and bustling streets toward her neighbourhood; our new home. My heart was filled with both excitement and disbelief - how did I get so lucky to have this amazing woman in my life?

Once we arrived and entered the house, Juice, the friendly orange fur ball, greeted us at the door and immediately won over the boys with his playful antics. Y/N proudly gave us a tour of her humble abode before leading us down to the basement. As she had mentioned, it was bare and unfurnished, save for a few scattered cardboard boxes and a pristine rack of guitars that caught my eye. The room echoed with potential and possibility, just waiting to be transformed into our own personal haven.

“Holy shit- is that a Martin D-41?” Jolly immediately smiled, walking over to assess the guitars, “and an Ernie Ball Music Man John Petrucci Majesty?”

“Damn, and a Gibson Thunderbird IV Bass?” Ruffilo joined in on the geek sesh, both of them giddy.

Y/N laughed, “Wow, you must know your stuff. Those were my dads, he was really into music.”

She walked over, grazing her fingers across the strings, “I’ve kept them in his memory, but I have no idea how to play.”

I watched her as she picked up the Martin, handing it to Jolly, “feel free to use them whenever you want; they deserve some love, they were made to be played.”

Jolly’s lips fell open before he smiled warmly, gazing at the guitar, “You’re so fucking cool.”

We all chuckled and I watched Y/N in awe as she interacted with my brothers, taking them in and treating them as if she’d known us all for years.

The stone, the dirt, the dust The unforgiving promise made to us Unworthy of your light, your god, your touch We're guided by the lust

“I only have one blow-up mattress I take camping, but there is a bed in the spare room, and the couch in the living room…” She looked between the four of us until her eyes landed on me.

“Uh,” Her cheeks flushed as she spoke, “we can always share my bed tonight until I can pick up a couple of mattresses…”

We cry the fallen names We cry for those who burned beneath the flame We stand besides the good and brave The broken and enslaved

My face warmed along with her and I coughed, straightening up, “Yeah, no worries.”

The boys watched us, a low chuckle leaving Folio. Y/N grabbed spare blankets, pillows and the blow-up mattress from the closet. She set up the bed, which Jolly dibsed. Nick took the couch, and Nicholas took the spare room down the hall from Y/N’s.

Y/N and I went into her room and she shut the door quietly, turning around, sighing.

“Well,” she blew out a puff of air, giving me a kind smile, “this is interesting.”

I nodded, following her with my eyes as she began getting ready for bed, brushing her H/C hair, and wiping off her makeup for the day. I admired her beauty, staring at her with reverence. She was brilliant.

“I-I can sleep on the floor Y/N. I don’t mind,” I whispered as she slid an oversized t-shirt over her frame, stripping off her work attire.

I licked my lips, swallowing harshly before averting my eyes, reminding myself that now was not the time to get worked up. She had to be at the cafe in a few hours.

Juice purred as he curled into a bed next to her windowsill, eying us from the corner.

Y/N turned off her main light, flicking on a dim lamp that cascaded a soft orange aura across the room before she crawled into bed, opening the covers and patting next to her.

“You can sleep with me, it’s okay.”

My feet shuffled restlessly as I adjusted my hoodie, draping it over the chair by her vanity along with my jeans. Just a few hours ago, I was pressing her against the wall, consumed by passion and filled with confidence. Yet now, I felt shy and vulnerable. It was strange how this simple act of sleeping in a bed with her felt more intimate than the sexual encounter we had shared earlier.

Her love is yours But only if you give your heart to her

I walked over to her, sliding myself between her covers, and lay as close to the edge as possible.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” She mumbled, jumping out of bed and leaving towards the bathroom, returning shortly with a bottle of pills and a cup of water.

She opened the bottle, turned around and placed one on her tongue before taking a swig of water. I watched as she placed her pills on her desk, before hopping back into bed.

That is why we live like heathens Stealing from the trees of Eden Living in the arms of freedom And everything we touch is evil

She crawled underneath the covers, snuggling into the duvet as she lay on her side, facing me.

We remained silent for a few moments before she asked me a question in a small voice, “Is it ok if the light stays on?”

I preferred the lights off, but I wasn’t going to share my preference; I was invading her space.

“I have trouble sleeping,” She whispered.

“Of course it’s ok,” I said, pulling the covers over my shoulders.

“Okay,” her eyes fluttered open and closed, fighting against sleep, “goodnight Noah.”

I watched as her lashes touched the tops of her cheeks, her eyebrows releasing tension from the day, lips parted gently as sleep took over.

My eyes danced across her features, completely captivated. Y/N breathed slowly, and my hand subconsciously reached over, tucking a strand of loose hair behind her ear as I endeared over her.

“you’re my saving grace,” I whispered as I stroked her hair, still completely baffled this was all happening.

I watched her for a moment longer before I turned over, facing the door and her desk. My eyes trailed over to the bottle that rested on her desk, the yellow plastic alluring. Zolpidem. 700 dollars right there.

Destruction. Crime. Greed.

That is why we live like heathens That is why we live like heathens That is why we live like heathens

Chapter 6

Tags:@crimson-calligraphyx @lma1986 @spicywhenspeaking @sammyjoeee @shilohrosechicken

@princessmarshmallowx @laurpartyprogram @cookiesupplier @nojoyontheburn @lacktoesandtoddlerant

@veronicaphoenix @er3nslovergirl @cncohshit @scrumptiousfestivalpost @melcchs

@flowery-mess @mentallynot-here @judging-from-afar @darkmxgician @badomensls

@hoe-for-daddywise @philomenie @xxkittenkissesxx @venturethroughtheveil @thefallennightmare

@blend-in-with-the-madness @reyadawn @deathblacksmoke @anameunmusical @sitkowski

@anything-more-than-human @into-the-grey @amelia-acero @rumoured-whispers @artificialbreezy

#burning out fanfic #sorrows of silence #bad omens #noah sebastian #bad omens cult #bad omens band #noah sebastian davis #metalcore #noah sebastian fluff #noah sebastian smut #nicholas ruffilo #crime #criminals #money heist #heist

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moonlight-jellie · 25 days

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I find it so fascinating the relationship between the Han siblings, like they care about each other so much but since they had no real parental/guardians as they grew up it has led to different ways they express and handle the relationship. Like looking at Han Yoojin and how he put every single ounce of himself into raising Yoohyun, this man busted his ass every single day so that his little brother didn't have to worry like he does. But once the relationship was broken off he literally couldn't accept it, because he raised his little brother the best that he could but Yoohyun shunned him and put him down. Yoojin was so devastated which led him down a dark path in the original timeline. And just for clarity, in the timeline when Yoojin was 25 years old the novel mentions that the gates have been open for 3 years which means Yoojin was 22 when the gates open and Yoohyun was 17. Yoohyun has always known that people don't view him as a person and more like a monster and after the gates opened up and Yoohyun becoming an S class he knew that it makes the target on Yoojin's back even bigger. But also imagine being a 17 year old who is more powerful than the national government as everything changes, nothing is safe anymore because of gates and powers. Yoohyun loves Yoojin, he does but he doesn't know a good way to keep his big brother safe, sure he has strength but he can be with him all the time. So he decides that if the public thinks he doesn't like his brother then it'll keep Yoojin safe but he so desperately wants his brother by his side that he keeps suppressing himself which leads to the black flames. But now in the new timeline things are mended, not fixed but more like kintsugi, these are two extremely attached (and clingy) brothers who need therapy to help them unravel the massive codependency issue they have.

#s classes that i raised #han yoojin #han yoohyun

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quokkareactions · 1 month

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Stray Kids as angst tropes:

Part 2

Jisung:

You and Jisung are spending the Saturday at the diner where you work as a waitress. Neither of you can stop smiling even for a minute cause you are just so in love with each other it's not even funny.

"Close your eyes, I have a surprise for you" you say with a huge grin on your face.

"Why? I don't want to"

"Pleeeease, baby... Trust me"

"Okay" he gives in with a sigh

"Alright. You can open them now"

And when he does you aren't there. He sits at your favourite booth at your favourite diner with his favourite strawberry milkshake in front of him but your mint chip one isn't there. When he looks up to the wall next to him he sees a picture of you smiling down at him. There's a writing below the picture.

"In memoriam: y/n l/n

2000-2022"

Felix:

You and Felix were best friends since forever. Your parents were besties so you basically grew up together and you're definitely not complaining about it. You always did everything together and were really affectionate with each other so much so that people usually believed you two were dating. And when you actually started dating your parents were over the moon.

But soon enough you had to realize that even though you loved each other being a couple just wasn't working. The usual hangouts that previously were filled with laughter, hugs and a lot of fun now became nerve-wrecking and brought discomfort for both of you. You wanted your friendship back but you weren't sure if it's even possible.

"This isn't how I thought it would be" you whispered, voice thick with unshed tears. You weren't sure if you were talking to him or yourself.

"What did you think it would be like?"

His voice was calm but there was an edge to it, a tiredness that you'd never heard before.

"We've known each other forever, but we're barely holding it together"

"I thought we could fix it. I thought love was enough to make it work. I just... I don't understand how we ended up here" you told him.

"Maybe because we tried to make something more out of something that wasn't meant to be"

He took a step towards you, the distance between you and him still feeling like miles.

"Y/n, we were amazing as friends, but this... Us... It's tearing us apart"

Your heart twisted at his words, eyes burning even more than before, but he was right and you knew it.

"So what are you saying? That we just give up and throw away everything we've built?"

"I'm saying that we should stop hurting each other. This is not a goodbye, we just need some time away from each other. "

That's when you finally let your tears fall freely. You wanted to believe him, you really did. But you've crossed lines you can't uncross, broken things that cannot be mended... things will never be the same again between you.

Seungmin:

The airport was crowded, a sea of people moving with purpose, but for you and Seungmin, time seemed to slow. Neither of you spoke, the silence stretching on as the weight of what was unsaid hung heavily between you. Seungmin looked at you with a mixture of pride and pain in his eyes, trying to memorise every detail of your face.

It was you who finally broke the silence, your voice trembling. "I should go"

He nodded but kept quiet. The words he wanted to say caught in his throat, choking him. He wanted to tell you not to go, to stay with him. But he couldn't. He couldn't be that selfish.

"I wish... I wish things were different," you whispered, your voice laced with regret and sadness. "I wish we didn't have to do this."

"This is your dream, Y/n. You've worked so hard for this."

You squeezed his hand, holding on like it was the only thing keeping you grounded. "But I don't want to lose you"

"I don't want to lose you either," he said, his voice hoarse. "But I can't be the one who holds you back."

The finality of his words hit you both like a punch to the gut, and you pulled him into a tight embrace, your tears soaking into his shirt.

"I love you" Seungmin said to you, most likely for the last time.

"I love you too" with a final, tearful glance, you turned and walked away. He stood there, watching until you disappeared from view, his heart shattering with every step you took.

Jeongin:

"Why can't you see it?"

"See what? Why are you shouting at me?"

"You've been the one that he runs to when he's got nobody else"

"That's not true at all, he's just confused about his feelings"

"No, he's just a dick"

"He'll change, Jeongin, I know he will"

"We've already been through this. You always say he's gonna change and he only keeps letting you down"

"Why do you even care?"

"Cause I love you"

You stared at him flabbergasted. If you wanna be completely honest what he said wasn't really shocking just the fact that he had the guts to say it. You've suspected that he likes you for quite some time now but were trying really hard to ignore it cause sadly you did not feel the same.

"Jeongin..."

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry, but-"

"You don't love me that way" he interrupted you.

"I really am so sorry but I just can't" you look down.

"I know, it's okay"

"You sure?"

"Yeah, it's better having you as just a friend than not having you in my life at all"

#stray kids x reader #stray kids angst #han jisung x reader #jisung imagines #lee felix x reader #felix imagines #seungmin imagines #kim seungmin x reader #in imagines #yang jeongin x reader

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morganas-pendragons · 10 months

Text

untitled | fourteen

everyone loves when David Tennant does his sad boy screaming scenes. light spoilers for the second of the sixtieth specials. I am telling you what... I haven't felt like I was on an acid trip watching doctor who since 2014 LOL

this is one of two doctor who fics I'm gonna be putting out before Christmas!

***

When you find him, he's screaming. He's screaming loud and bold and raw and you wonder how his toes don't break from how hard he's kicking the tunnel walls.

You wonder what he saw. What the ganger said to him.

The Doctor had found you not long after he'd found Donna. It had been ten years since you had last seen him. Ten long years since you'd agonized over unrequited love and left him with nothing but a passing glance over your shoulder as you parted from the TARDIS.

Now he's come back, and that love you had buried for so long has come bubbling back to the surface.

You hate yourself for loving him.

You can't help it though.

It isn't until the screams fades into uneasy, tense silence that you dare to lift your eyes to meet his. There's a lot of turmoil in those eyes. He hasn't told you what happened in the ten years you've been apart. Not yet. You wonder if he ever will.

It's very clear that whatever he did, whoever he lost... wounded him. The Doctor may appear to be this cold, unyielding being of infinite wisdom and live. They may have called him The Oncoming Storm. The Valeyard.

He is not. Underneath that exterior is an ancient being longing for companionship. For somewhere safe to land when so often people use him as their safe place to land. Him. The hero.

But where do heroes go when the universe becomes too much for them to handle singlehandedly?

"Hey," You reach for his hand and hold it to your chest. His whole aspects softens at the gesture. This version of The Doctor is so much more open than the last time you saw him. So much more honest, vulnerable, so much more loving. "Are you... you?"

His gaze is questioning as you look at each other before he averts his gaze to the floor. You're getting closer. He's apprehensive, clearly, but The Doctor really wants you to take your fingers idle at your side and card them through his hair. "The last time I saw you," The Doctor murmurs. "You were leaving the TARDIS with the Smiths. Sarah Jane, it was. Said you were going to go make the world a better place-"

"In your honor," You admit. You don't miss how the hand pressed to your chest trembles at the remark, and something catches in his throat as you lift your idle hand to card your fingers through his hair. "Because you were the most remarkable man who'd ever come into my life. And I loved it. I loved you."

You're close enough now that you can feel him. All of him.

The Doctor exhales softly against your face as you lift his chin with your thumb so he'll finally meet your eyes. You're aching to know what has cut him so deeply. What he'll let you do in mending the damage to those ancient, broken hearts of his that have only ever been partially stitched.

Because every time a companion left, or they died, the stitches broke.

"Loved?" The Doctor asked.

Lifting yourself to your tiptoes, you tangle your fingers in the short hair and his nape and whisper, "Love."

And when you come together, he kisses you like a man who's been deprived of air for too long. You are what he needs to breathe.

And he is your safe spot to land.

#fourteenth doctor x reader #the doctor x reader #doctor who x reader #doctor who imagines #doctor who oneshots

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danikamariewrites · 11 months

Note

Hey! Could I request Cassian saying to reader “who did this to you?” Maybe Devlon or someone hit her and Cassian goes feral, a bit more on the dark side. 😊

Protector

Cassian x reader

A/n: one of my fav tropes with one of my fav boys 😋

Warnings: injuries, abuse, violence

Not wanting to give the camp anything to talk about you headed straight to Rhys’s house. Slamming the door shut you waited for Cassian and the others on the couch, cradling your mangled arm to your chest.

Your brother, Bade, has been your biggest bully all your life. He constantly used you as his personal punching bag. Usually it wasn’t too bad, a few bruises here, some cuts and scrapes there. This time he had taken things too far leaving you with a fractured wrist and some other broken bone in your arm, a black eye, and a nasty cut running through your eyebrow.

Your parents never did anything about it. Your mother and father always just saying “males will be males” and treating Bade like the golden child. You had had enough though. Today had shown you that Bade would never stop and the people who were supposed to love and protect you unconditionally weren’t going to make it stop.

You have no idea where you’d go but at least you still have your wings. They probably thought Bade hurt them so bad it was pointless to clip them. Another thing your parents were wrong about.

Cassian comes home first. He kicks the snow off his boots before looking at you. His rugged face changing from excitement from seeing you to concern and anger. Rushing over to you Cassian gently grabbed your chin, forcing you to look at him. He tilts your face side to side. The frustration rolling off him in waves.

“Who did this to you?” He grits out. “My brother.” You said with slight hesitation. A sick part of you wanted to protect him, that small voice in the back of your mind saying he’s family. Cassian knelt between your legs rubbing your thighs lightly.

Cassian calls out to Rhys to bring a healer home in his mind. In that moment he was making a plan to get you to Velaris and out of this gods forsaken camp.

“He’s never going to hurt you again sweetheart, I promise.” You gently kiss his forehead and give him a sad smile. “Thank you my love.” The two of you wince as the burn of a bargain tattoo stings the inside of your wrists. Looking down you see the black ink formed a pair of wings in flight for the freedom your mate has promised you.

You stay with him that night, not wanting to return home to your fathers wrath for running off. You’ve always felt safe with Cassian. Even before the bond snapped you were always attached to each other. As you snuggled into his chest and drifted off to sleep you dreamt of a future with Cassian. Where you’re happy and surrounded by friends and family.

The next morning Cassian slips out of bed before you can wake up. Even though the camp healer mended all your injuries you still need rest. He kisses your forehead after getting dressed.

Shutting the door to the house his face turned to stone. Pure wrath swimming in his eyes. Cassian is on a war path. His goal; end your brother.

“Bade! You’re against Cassian. Get in the ring!” The commander yelled. Bade visibly paled at the sight of Cassian flexing and cracking his knuckles. Rhys and Azriel stand behind Cassian wearing matching stoic faces.

“Don’t go easy Cass. Y/n’s father needs to be taken down a few pegs anyway.” Rhys said in his mind. “There won’t be anything of this fucker left after I’m done.”

Stepping in the ring the males put up their fists and began circling each other. Cassian didn’t give Bade a chance to get a hit in. He immediately pounced on your brother, hitting him with a right hook. Then a blow to his stomach, then ribs.

Bade stumbled back, his face drenched in blood. The commander didn’t stop Cassian. Letting the beating continue. Cassian continued his assault until Bade was flat on his back on the cusp of consciousness. Cassian lowered himself on his haunches, gripping Bade’s blood soaked face in his large hand.

“You will never lay another hand on her. Or any female. Ever. Again. If I hear you are I’m going to kill you.” Cassian shoved his head into the ground so hard Bade passed out.

Getting up, he strode over to his brothers, wiping off his knuckles.

Tonight. Tonight he’d take you to Velaris. You’d live in the House of Wind and Mor would keep you company. You’d be part of the family. And most importantly, you’d be free.

#acotar #acotar fanfiction #acotar reader fic #acotar reader imagine #acotar imagine #cassian acotar #cassian x you #cassian fanfic #cassian imagine #cassian x reader #cassian x y/n #cassian

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dontsh0vethesun · 10 months

Text

i never thought you'd happen to me.

masterlist | boygenius masterlist

emily prentiss x reader

this seems angsty but i promise it's not; i guess it's just a little snippet of people being human, finding comfort in another

instalment for the song 'leonard cohen' | wc: 813

Two broken souls can mend once forged together, meeting right when you need each other most, to fix what once was broken.

Darkness bares itself to you, sinking its teeth in so deeply that it scars. And no matter how far you walk into the light, it will never leave you completely, leaving shadows in any space it can. You carry it with you like a familiar friend, choosing to feel the warmth of the light on your cheeks, keeping it at bay as much as it will let you.

It’s a burden of being human.

But when you’re shrouded for so long, burned enough times, it’s easy to begin to think that perhaps that’s all there is for you. Maybe settling for glimpses of shadows is what you have to do; it’s better than being dragged under at least.

Emily let the dark times of her past follow her in her shadow, each and every tainted memory that brought her to this day. The ones that carried her through her career, through each blow that knocked her down, each piece she had to desperately put back together time and time again. The ones that made her who she is, the chief of the BAU.

She settled for the darkness that came to her just as the sun forms a shaded patch beneath a tree. Sometimes she welcomes it, leaning into its comforting touch, as an old friend greets you with familiarity. It’s a way for her to know that there’s a constant, something she can turn to and know it will always be there.

And then she met you.

Like a piece falling into place, she found comfort in the sound of your laugh, the sight of your smile, the memorised contours of your face.

She let you see the ghosts that followed her just as you did with her.

She was nervous the first time she pulled you in for a kiss, a late night in her office over case files and small glasses of the burning tequila she hid beneath her desk. She swore you to secrecy and you laughed.

She likes to trust her gut, whether she enjoys it or not, and she desperately ached for her heart to be right. That the touches you provide her with in passing and the way you subconsciously search for her in every room, are signs of reciprocated emotions.

How she adores being right. She tasted the liquor on your tongue and felt the flush of your cheek beneath her palm, she smiled at the breath you let out against her lips when you parted for air and at the shy flutter of your eyes.

You were the optimism she’s so constantly ducked away from. She was the optimism you’d always yearned to find; the one you’d always heard of, settling to never find it, even resenting the mere concept.

Emily was the moon and you were the body of water best suited to reflect her light. Better together, shining back at one another in a way that defied the darkness around you. It was easy to focus on the beauty of your love, to let it take the lead. And whenever the shadows showed themselves at least you weren’t alone.

Just like the nights you’ve shared so many times before, you found comfort beside each other, that solid intimacy of naked skin pressed against skin. The air was still and calm. Peace, occupied only by your breathing. Your head rested against her chest with the echoes of her heart beating a soothing rhythm whilst her hand stroked through your hair.

You could tell she wanted to say something. It's a perk of knowing somebody so truly and deeply; recognising the hitch of a breath, knowing that it signified words that begged to be set free. She’d watched the stars out of the window deeply in thought, a constant smile making her cheeks begin to ache.

“I have something cheesy to say,” she sighed, you could hear the embarrassed grin in her voice.

“I think I’m sleepy enough to stomach it,” you returned, she felt your lips twitch amusedly against her collarbone.

“You have ignited something within me that I never thought possible,” she muttered with her words falling onto the top of your head. “It makes me feel weightless and free, as though nothing can touch me.”

She couldn’t imagine speaking words more true. In fact, she couldn’t imagine any type of happy life without you. No person or thing could ever take that place next to her; the spot reserved for you, that blossoming garden never short on sunlight.

“What’s that?” you asked, sitting up to meet her eyes with yours, hazel filled with adoration. Her gaze was honest and just like that first night you let her hold your cheek, leaning into the touch that felt like home.

“Hope.”

#emily prentiss x reader #emily prentiss x fem!reader #emily prentiss x you #emily prentiss fanfic #criminal minds #criminal minds x reader

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m3r1m4r5u333 · 5 months

Text

Okay I've settled on my head canon which is that Eddie is bi (or some version of "likes women and men"), too... I need to ramble about it because this popular idea that Eddie is gay just bothers me tbh it just feels ignorant, bi erasurery. And sure, maybe I'll be proven wrong, but in the mean time...

I think the reason why Eddie just can't be happy with the women he's pushing himself to date is because he's only really ever been drawn, and loved, two people: Shannon and Buck.

And these women he's since dated... are neither of those people. So the other relationships are just... fake, unhappy. Not because of sexual incompatibility, but because they're loveless, on Eddie's part.

The romance with Shannon started as a teen-age romance. They were childhood friends and lovers, but they were too young and immature to really handle the stress of parenthood, and despite that, pushed into a marriage.

It was too much for this young, immature, love to survive. Them freaking out and not being a team.... That just started to hack away at their mutual trust, and that eventually killed the romance, and the marriage. This immature love just could not handle all this pressure, and co-exist with that dying trust.

And then, Eddie meets Buck when his and Shannon's marriage is on a break. She's runs, is away for a long time, Eddie is raising Chris alone... And Buck steps in.

And Buck is insanely helpful, a major stress relief -letting Bobby know that Eddie is struggling to find a caretaker for Chris. Researching for ways to help Eddie... He finds Carla to help them. Buck takes one look at Christopher and melts, wants to spend time with them... Eddie thinks "Woah. This guy is amazing. This is someone I can count on, who has my back."

So Eddie just moved on from Shannon. He did love her once... but then they killed their love and marriage, together. Mutual destruction.

Eddie didn't trust her anymore, she didn't trust him after he'd enlisted in a panic to run from the parenthood, from Christopher's diagnosis... they were fighting all the time... and then she just left him alone with Chris.

And I refuse to demonize her for leaving btw, she was young, under a lot of stress, and Eddie was running from his parenthood. Eddie needed that push, to take responsibility, and connect with Chris!!

But still.. She left, Eddie was hurt and alone, and really doesn't trust her anymore, and then he meets Buck.

So Eddie moves on. His and Shannon's romantic love just... dies. And when she finally tries to re-connect. Yes, he still finds her desirable, and the human bond is still an important one. But where's the love?

They've known each other since they were children, they're friends, Shannon is Christopher's mother. But Eddie no longer really loves her like he once did. He tries. He forgives her, for everything, and really tries to mend their marriage, even proposes again after finding out she may be pregnant...

But it's just too late for both of them, they don't really work as a couple, and she realises she is tired of this battle, she is done.

Shannon leaving.... this made Eddie move on from her, even though he tried to deny it, even to himself. By leaving, Shannon gave the final killing blow to their already fractured mutual trust. Then she was gone for a long time, and when she finally came back, Eddie had already moved on, connected with someone else. She even says this - I was away for too long.

She realises that their marriage dead. She is shocked when Eddie keeps pushing her away from Chris, realises their mutual lack of trust. And she finally admits to herself that she doesn't really want to get back together with Eddie.

Eddie is dragging his feet, not really accepting her back, keeps looking for a "sign" that would say they should have another serious go as partners. Only proposes after there's another pregnancy scare.

Shannon thinks, this marriage is too broken, I want out. We both deserve something better than this. So it is a story of falling in love, and falling out of love.

And then she dies, and Eddie grieves, deeply. He did love Shannon, even though their marriage was a failure. He'd loved her in so many ways. She was his friend, she was his wife, she was Christopher's mother.

However, I do feel like the reason why he struggles to date after Shannon's death is a combination of grief - being afraid to try again with anyone... and it's denial of his feelings for Buck, and also fear that what if... This happens again, what if he loves and they leave. I think the key problem here really is Buck.

Eddie has already fallen for someone, and tries to deny it, ignore it. He thinks this is a road that would take him nowhere, so why try. He thinks Buck is straight!

So he starts pushing Buck away because this odd family unit they have...? Where is it going really, he thinks, Buck doesn't want him.

This line, said to Buck:

"Somehow we became a ready-made family and I... I don't know if I'm ready for that."

It's grief for Shannon, and it's unrequited love for Buck, and it's about being unable to love Ana because of those both massive things stopping Eddie from being able to connect with her.

Remember.... that Buck starts the thing with Taylor before Eddie starts dating Ana?

Eddie, looking like a zombie, hosting Buck and Taylor, telling Buck that he needs to move on, Eddie has. (Yeah it's a lie.)

And remember all these talks about Eddie needing to move on, before he goes on dates?

This is Eddie, trying to move on, and find his third family unit.

The scene with Eddie and Buck when they've just met, Buck bragging that "some of us don't need good lighting to look good..."

And then Eddie at the fire station, looking at Buck, forgetting to introduce Ana to everyone, realising his mistake and saying to Ana;

"Oh, you've never been here!"...

Because she wasn't, Buck's presence just erases her from Eddie's mind, it's like she isn't even in the same room.

It's true, Eddie realises. Buck really doesn't need good lighting to look good, not to Eddie.

"Even in the dark, this place is amazing."

It's terrible, but disturbingly true for Eddie. This feeling, of existing in the darkness, alone, and watching someone who just doesn't need good lighting to look amazing. They just glow anyway, overwhelmingly, they just erase everyone else from your mind.

I feel like this symbolizes deep, unrequited love really well. Even in the dark this place is amazing.

So Eddie keeps struggling. He won't let Buck close because that's killing him, but he also can't let go of him. He's just ...always dying.

And then Buck comes out to him? It's a shock. It's a brief moment of dumb, wide-eyed hope.

But then Eddie immediately realizes... This changes nothing. Buck is dating someone else. Buck is falling for someone else. Buck is still... Just a friend.

Nothing has changed for Buck, and therefore not for Eddie either. Eddie is still alone in this. And keeps dying.

So... The point I'm trying to make here.

I feel like this struggle we're seeing, it's not about Eddie being gay. He fell for Shannon, they agreed the sex was never the problem.

Even this new relationship with Marisol. He does feel sexual desire for her... Their sex life is great... Until he learns that she was almost a nun? Imagine being in the closet, bi, and realising your girlfriend was almost a nun?

It's truly "eyes on the ground". Would she still want her, if she really knew who, or what, Eddie is? Would she be disgusted if she learned about all of Eddie's fantasies?

How can Eddie trust her?

So... That's what making him run from Marisol. I do think he's making a genuine effort to move on from his old flames - Shannon and Buck.

I mean... Remember Eddie's talk with his tia? Learning that she had been married before, and refusing to even try dating someone else, until her friends dragged her out?

And ultimately this made her move on, meeting someone else. And soon she didn't regret trying again.

So Eddie is trying to move on from Shannon, and Buck.

But can he? Is he?

One thing about Buck's coming out, and the following scene, the talk with Eddie...

Noticed the buddie subtext, and the bisexual subtext of the lines when he talks about Marisol there? About needing to go home.

The "menu" is not the issue. The issue is that he doesn't want to go home, to Marisol. (Lol, there's btw that bicycle again, hanging on the wall behind Eddie's back. Bi subtext!!)

Eddie does desire her. ... He just doesn't love her. And that keeps happening... Because his heart is already taken.

#eddie diaz #Marisol Doe #911 buddie #evan buckley #buddie #buddie 911 #911 on abc #evan buck buckley #911 abc #tv: 911 #eddie díaz #bisexual erasure #911 speculation #bi eddie #eddie's pining era #shannon diaz #ana flores #i make no gifs brain is potato

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brokenwinebox · 28 days

Text

What’s Your Character’s Theme Song?

A song breakdown for the characters of Jeremy Allen White, Lionel Boyce, Matty Matheson, and Ricky Staffieri. It will discuss the connections other people and I made for the characters Carmy, Marcus, Neil Fak, and Ted Fak.

↓ long text below

Jeremy Allen White

Jeremy Allen White, who ironically, is about to play Bruce Springsteen in the upcoming Bruce Springsteen film, said that Carmy’s theme song would be “The Ties That Bind.”

The expression 'the tie that binds' is used to describe a common idea or belief that links people together. It can also be used plurally as 'the ties that bind'. For example, you may say: ''We are family, held together by the ties that bind. Nothing will tear us apart. (x)

This is when it gets interesting. The Ties That Bind is an opening song for his fifth album called The River.

The songs on The River reveal a tension between the need for community and the need to be alone. "The Ties That Bind", along with "Two Hearts" and "Out in the Street", is one of the key songs on the album about the need for community. (x)

This feels so incredibly reminiscent on the struggles of Carmy. His driving force to fully isolate himself to those he cares about while probably also feeling like he needs the people he’s pushed away.

This also reminded me of @espumado’s post The Night Of The Hunter & The River which was then talked about by @currymanganese’s post on the potential parallels between two romantic relationships in the The Night Of The Hunter and The Bear.

There’s so many weird horror elements in the show. Which is interesting because in this picture we see a revised 2nd edition of The Exorcist! So how farfetched is it to see those elements on the show. Especially this season!

I mentioned before in my post, “Fourth Wall (being broken)” that the Save It For Later song could be about Carmy being lost and it became a reflection to the season. I can’t help but wonder if Save It For Later could have multiple meanings for each character.

@happylikeasadsong broke down some lyrics of the song and explains what it could do with Sydney’s decision.

Lionel Boyce

Lionel Boyce said Sèrgio Mendes, “Ides Of March.” for his character Marcus’ before realizing that’s probably not the name of the song. It was actually “Waters of March”

Sèrgio Mendes is most known for his song, Mas Que Nada, which translates to whatever and anyway. In this article I read, they call him a bossa nova king and Mendes explains how life is about magical encounters.

This is probably a funny coincidence but I actually know a song named Soul Bossa Nova by Quincy Jones. It was playing on a playlist that’s about songs you’d hear during magic shows. (x) (x) (x)

Although, Ides of March wasn’t the name of the song and I write metas for The Bear (AKA I’m insane), I did research on both to see what I can find!

Ides of March, day in the ancient Roman calendar that falls on March 15 and is associated with misfortune and doom. It became renowned as the date on which Roman dictator Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44 bce and was further immortalized in the tragedy Julius Caesar by English dramatist William Shakespeare.

On the topic of William Shakespeare, @currymanganese has a post on The Bear being a super deconstructed Shakespearean pastoral comedy.

It was then corrected to Waters of March. I tried to find the meaning for that particular song by Sérgio Mendes but it all lead to “Water Of March” by Antônio Carlos Jobim.

The inspiration for "Águas de março" came from Rio de Janeiro's rainiest month. March is typically marked by sudden storms with heavy rains and strong winds that cause flooding in many places around the city. The lyrics and the music have a constant downward progression much like the water torrent from those rains flowing in the gutters, which typically would carry sticks, stones, bits of glass, and almost everything and anything. Antonio Carlos Jobim wrote the song during a visit to his family rancho, in the interior of Rio de Janeiro state amid a steady rainstorm which had turned the roads and landscape to mud.

sticks and stones may break my bones, (but words can never hurt me) - said in order to show that people cannot be hurt by unpleasant things that are said to them (x)

When it comes to mud, I was immediately reminded of @whenmemorydies’s post on Claire being clear [as] mud. (Which I’ll go a bit more into depth in another post). I’m also fairly certain @ago0112 talked about it as well!

I talked about the topic of glass in my previous meta, The Glass Table & The Glass Fish Tank, where I found parallels to Claire and Donna. Those comparisons got a little confirmed in the script of (2.02).

I did some research on the scripts about Claire on (2.02) as well.

In the post, there was a bit of a deep dive on the potential meaning of glass/shattered glass and here’s one of them I found a connection to.

Connection between the fragility of glass and the human condition: Glass can be tough, but it becomes fragile when it faces too much pressure. Similarly, people can be strong, but life's challenges can make us feel a bit delicate. The broken glass helps us see that we all have both strength and vulnerability inside us, teaching us about the balance between being tough and sensitive in our own lives.

When it talked about how broken glass helps us see that we all have both strength and vulnerability inside us, teaching us about the balance between being tough and sensitive in our own lives, I was reminded of this particular thebearfx’s post:

After that, I recalled dialogue that I wrote about in my post on Richie being a fox and a caterpillar. In this scene, Natalie and Richie talk about the soul of the dining room in (3x07).

Richie: [scoffs] “Dining room sounds like shit.” Natalie: “Like, the acoustics?” Richie: “No. It’s like, the soul, you know? It’s like--Service sounds like total chaos.” Natalie: “Every day can’t be perfect.” Richie: “Every day is like the Super Bowl. I could use a lightning bolt.” Natalie: “Can’t control the weather.”

In Waters of March, there’s a reference to a fox in a brush.

The oak when it blooms A fox in the brush A knot in the wood The song of a thrush (x)

What’s so fascinating about this particular rabbit hole is about what it all potentially means for Marcus as a character.

The song is about spring in Brazil as an allegory for life: how it continues on despite our best efforts to control it. It reminds us how with the ugly, comes the beautiful. (x)

The ugliness could be about death while the beauty of it is what the love he has for his mother could inspire for Marcus.

The plan of the house, the body in bed, the car that got stuck, it’s the mud, it’s the mud. a float, a drift, a flight, a wing, a hawk, a quail, the promise of spring.

He had become frustrated with the difficulties the rain was causing for the construction of a new boundary wall along his property line. The skies rained from above while chaos reigned below, as plainly stated in the lyrics: “It’s the mud, it’s the mud…” With plenty of time to contemplate the situation, Jobim created a modern parable for daily life. (x)

I’ll certainly talk about all of this in a separate post (whenever that will be) but there’s so many small details that evolve into a beautiful narrative.

The Coca-Cola Jingle

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Coca-Cola tapped Antonio Carlos Jobim for the rights to his ‘Águas de Março’, giving new lyrics to ‘The Waters of March’ to make the jingle a worldwide sensation. Jobim even became a celebrity spokesman for Coke in a relationship that lasted for several years. (x)

Coca Cola is one of the most popular soft drinks in the world. In doing my research, I found an article talking about how design elements of the soft drink’s logo clearly portray the idea of energy, fun, and good times.

The recent 2021 hug version logo of the brand was termed as “magical” and “genius” by designers. It ended up being introduced with a new tagline as “real magic.” Apparently, it’s considered magical because you can imagine the bottle even when it is not there.

There’s even a well-known story about the white and red logo being inspired by the brand’s first advertisement that featured Santa Claus wearing his red and white suit with a bottle in his hands. (x)

@vacationship made an analysis on the green and red sauce and the potential importance of its symbolism.

Sydney and Claire have an interesting parallel with coke. I actually found that little connection earlier but didn’t know it had any relevance to this until now.

(Sydney pouring/drinking coke after the scene of the group being at Marcus’ mother’s funeral isn’t a coincidence.)

Matty Matheson

Matty Matheson chose Hakuna Matata for his character Neil Fak. The Bear’s instagram account also talked about how he is a master mocktail maker.

Hakuna matata roughly translates to “there are no troubles” in Swahili. The phrase was popularized in English by the 1994 Disney movie The Lion King, where it's translated as “no worries.” It has a connotation of not worrying about things outside a person's control. The movie popularized the phrase internationally, making it a cultural staple and synonymous with Disney's family-friendly brand.

'Hakuna matata' is Swahili for 'no worries'. As such, it is the perfect catchphrase for Timon and Pumbaa, as it perfectly reflects their relaxed, devil-may-care attitude to life. (x)

@outmakingmoonshine has discussed the possibility that the Faks are the inner voice/imaginary friends for the protagonist (Carmy).

Are they suggesting Pumbaa, Timon, and Simba are Neil Fak, Ted Fak, and Carmy?

The Lion King was released on June 15, 1994, receiving critical acclaim for its music, story, themes, and animation. With an initial worldwide gross of $763 million, it finished its theatrical run as the highest-grossing film of 1994 and the second-highest-grossing film of all time, behind Jurassic Park (1993).

Timon: Hey, where you going? Simba: Nowhere. Timon: Gee. He looks blue. Pumbaa: I'd say brownish-gold. Timon: No, no, no, no. I mean he's depressed. Pumbaa: Oh. Pumbaa: Kid, what's eatin' ya? Simba: Who cares? I can't go back. Timon: Ahh. You're an outcast! That's great; so are we! Pumbaa: What cha do, kid? Simba: Something terrible. But I don't wanna talk about it. Timon: Good. We don't wanna hear about it. Pumbaa: Come on Timon. Anything we can do? Simba: Not unless you can change the past.

Simba: Hakuna matata? Pumbaa: Yeah. It’s our motto! Simba: What’s a motto? Timon: Nothin’ what’s a motto with you?! (laughs) Pumbaa: Hakuna matata: These two words will solve all your problems. (x) (x) (x)

Carmy could have a side of him that feels outcasted by the rest of the group (there was also a group chat he had no idea about) so he conjured up another set of outcasts that promote a motto and philosophy to solve all of his problems.

Neil Fak is the naive/childlike aspects of himself that I suspect Carmy got from his childhood with his mother. I can’t help but wonder if the Faks representing Carmy’s inner voice was only applied to the dumpster scene when I found dialogue about how nice it is in the office before Carmy called Sydney nice after checking her out. Does it only apply when they’re all alone together?

As with many characters in The Lion King, Pumbaa's name derives from the East African language Swahili. In Swahili, pumbaa (v.) means "to be foolish, silly, weakminded, careless, negligent."

Richie and Carmy calls Neil Fak a bitch in (3x02)

Neil Fak: “Nat, the vibe’s weird.”

Carmy: “You’re such a fucking bitch.”

Richie: “You’re such a bitch.”

Natalie: “I know, sweetheart. Don’t be scared.”

Most of these could probably best describe Neil Fak (and even Carmy perhaps) but I wonder about the negligence of his character. Is this about the lack of real tools of his? Another detail that I’m not sure connects here is that Neil Fak mentioned being afraid of boxes to Ted Fak.

Warthogs regularly come into contact with villages and people. When this happens, they usually cause havoc, scampering through a garden or village and making a mess of everything. There is one Pumbaa adjective that is correct. They can be lazy. Rather than digging their own burrows, they will often just use the burrowed home of other animals. (x)

I remember this dialogue vividly, but there was a scene where the Faks asked Donna if they could stay over her house during Christmas.

Neil Fak: “Do you think that we can sleepover—” Donna: “There’s no sleepovers at Christmas. What the fuck?” Neil Fak: “No, we can sleepover.” Donna: “No, you can’t sleepover on Christmas. No. Mm-mmm.” Neil Fak: “No? No. Big Neil got us skateboards.” Donna: “You know what? Shut up. Michael!” Neil Fak: “Michael hid ‘em.” Donna: “Hey, Michael. Get in here. Mike? The Faks are asking me stupid things—”

(The fact that there’s a Hakuna Matata reference after Hulu is bought by Disney is also not lost on me.)

Timon is a historical Greek name, taken to mean "he who respects." Timon's name may derive from Shakespeare's tragedy Timon of Athens, another Shakespeare reference in a film which derives its plot from Hamlet. The tragedy is based in the history of the real Timon of Athens, a famous misanthrope during the era of the Peloponnesian War, who refused life in Athens to live isolated. Another explanation is that he is named after the Greek philosopher Timon, a disciple of Pyrrho, the founder of the school of skepticism. (x) (x) (x)

I happened to stumble upon another Shakespeare reference. If Timon is meant to be Ted Fak then this is going to be a bit ironic because of what Ted Fak’s theme song is!

Ricky Staffieri

Ricky Staffieri chose Back Then by Mike Jones for the theme song of his character, Ted Fak. Ironically, this song is vulgar in nature with calling woman “hoes” and all.

In the same meta I mentioned earlier, @outmakingmoonshine talked about Ted being sex driven and maybe representative of Carmy’s primal mind.

We also have @thoughtfulchaos773 having a post on the inappropriate double entendre jokes on the show.

I never really listened to the lyrics until about two months ago, but now that I have, they’re pretty amazing. On the surface, it’s a vulgar song about “hoes,” but on a deeper, more philosophical level, it’s an anthem about self-confidence. The overall message in Jones’ song is that the ladies in his life were never really gave him the time of day until he started to make it big. When you really listen to the message of the words – and not necessarily the words themselves – a lot of it is just him spewing the harsh truth. I think it speaks to all of the ugly ducklings out there, or the really shy people who never put themselves out there until they found themselves later on in life. That cute girl in middle school or high school who is now a bombshell? Yeah, she remembers how you treated her. (x)

Claire always told Carmy about their past history when they were young but Carmy seemed to have no recollection of it.

After reading this analysis on its philosophical meaning, I couldn’t help but wonder what it all meant pertaining to Ted Fak. Do we really know anything about Ted Fak’s history in high school besides Carmy? I just got a sudden wave of theories that this is referring to Carmy.

For Ted Fak, maybe this is about being treated poorly in high school. Now, he ended up working for a popular food establishment with very sudden attention from woman which had never happened before.

For Carmy, Ted Fak could be the more anxiety/primitive ridden version of him.

The reason I talk about the anxiety aspect is because some people have the personal experience of saying things they don’t mean when they have anxiety. Ted Fak could be representing the brutal ‘truths’ that Carmy could or don’t really mean.

Anxiety activates people’s fight or flight instinct When someone has an anxiety disorder, they'll often feel intense fear towards possible threats and dangers. For someone with a social anxiety disorder, this could be crowds or social events, whereas for someone with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), their fear could be focused on a broad range of potential scenarios, such as losing their job, damaging their friendships or getting into accidents. These thoughts cause people to experience symptoms of anxiety such as an increased heartbeat, shortness of breath and nausea. This is because thinking about the possible dangers activates their fight or flight instinct. Irritability is a symptom of anxiety When a person is experiencing anxiety, they'll often be more irritable than usual. This is a common symptom of many types of anxiety disorder. (x)

The increased heartbeat caught my attention because Claire noticed his heart was beating fast in a scene before it cuts to Carmy looking at a clock in (3x04).

The other part of the song I absolutely love is: “I ain’t got no time to call her. I’ma stall her like she stalled me, now she trying to call me; (girl) I’ma dog your whole ass like you dogged me.”

I can’t lie. I laughed so hard when I saw this lyric. Like damn, I wonder who exactly this could refer to here? It could be about Kelly but I’ll have to do more digging to figure that out.

I can’t speak for everyone in the world, but I know that I have an elephant-like memory when it comes to people how people treat me – whether it was in middle school, high school, college, or recently. I’m a firm believer in that unless someone gives you a reason to treat them like dirt, you shouldn’t. I know that I don’t pay any mind to people – not just girls – who treated me like crap and are now trying to make like everything is OK. Respect is earned, not given with me; I believe people can change (to a degree), but it will take time for someone to earn my trust and respect, if violated.

This is when we get the depiction of respect and how it’s earned, not given. Does Carmy respect Claire and vise versa?

I didn’t really get the vibe that Claire was a mean person or a bully with the way she spoke about her and Carmy’s history. But what if she scrubbed the ugly parts of it?

It’s making me ponder whether Carmy felt bitter that Claire suddenly had this interest in him because he’s well known as a chef now. It’s even more bizarre because they were both in New York. Mikey told her about Carmy’s chef adventures by the time of Christmas. Why didn’t Claire reach out to him then? Did it really take Mikey passing away for her to make a move?

There was discussion between @devisrina, @thoughtfulchaos773, and I about this. This is when I had the thought that Claire might’ve started talking to Carmy to humor herself and her friends because Carmy was the loner in high school. It was after the scripts came out and we discovered Claire was originally supposed to be blonde like Carmy’s mother. There’s so many questions on whether Claire and Carmy really had a crush on each other.

The Phone Number

I’m at the early stages of what I hope will be a very successful sports reporting career, so some people have reached out for various reasons (advice, recommendation, etc.). I’m happy to try and help the people who treated me well, but I almost want to laugh at the people who treated me like dirt and are now asking for a favor, however small. Mike Jones may use more colorful language than I would have had I wrote this song, but its underlying message is essentially the Golden Rule laced with profanity: Treat others the way you would want to be treated.

Something that I thought was interesting, was that Mike Jones rapped his phone number into the song. The most obvious parallel to this is that Carmy (purposely?) gave her the wrong number when they reunited by the grocery store fridges.

They see that I'm a star, now they wanna sit in my car Now they wanna count my cheese, smoke my weed and sip my barre now They used to love to me diss me, now they rush to hug and kiss me now They tellin' all they friends when I leave how they miss me now (281) 000-000 Hit Mike Jones up on the low cause Mike Jones about to blow Befo' the ice was in my grill, before I got my major deal These hoes wouldn't give a damn if I was ill, geah (x)

Apparently, ice on grills is a thing in the cooking industry. Graham Elliott revealed in an interview that his trick for making better burgers is pressing an ice cube into the middle of the patty before grilling.

“And if you're worried about the ice cubes making your burgers cold or wet — don't! The ice melts pretty quickly so no one will even know they were there.” <- This just felt reminiscent to my theory on Claire being an illusion. (x) (x)

Chef Graham Elliot Remembers Charlie Trotter “Famed Chicago chef Charlie Trotter died on Tuesday at age 54. Graham Elliot joined Charlie Trotter’s at age 21, and worked in his kitchens for three years.”

It seems important to note that Graham Elliot had three years of experience with Charlie Trotter.

Chef, mentor, trailblazer, philosopher, artist, teacher, leader. These are the words that immediately come to mind when I think of Charlie Trotter, or CHT, as he was referred to by the team. Rarely does one encounter an individual that can both inspire and frighten you with his (almost perverse) dedication to excellence and perfection. I learned his philosophic approach to cooking, and that everything was of equal importance. That you had to be your own toughest critic. That we weren’t in the “food industry” but in the “make it happen” business. To this very day, I try to foster the same ideals in my team: That the food you put on the plate, the way you keep your knives sharp, the way you wipe down your station—all of those represent who you are as a person. (x)

@moodyeucalyptus recently tagged me in their post discussing the documentary about Charlie Trotter and the similarities with Carmy’s asshole boss. I don’t think it’s a coincidence I found this connection.

We know that Carmy was buying very expensive food ingredients/supplies and helped Claire’s mother with moving boxes. (Not to mention, he was literally moving boxes with Claire like he was doing with the Faks.)

As @outmakingmoonshine pointed out, Carmy had a problem with Richie calling Sydney sweetheart in the very first episode but didn’t really seem to care about Claire being called a piece of ass by Ted Fak. The only thing he did was clarify what he meant and that was it.

Is it possible he didn’t really flinch because these were his thoughts about her for a while and has been trying to navigate through his true feelings for her?

What really caught my eye was the smoke my weed part. Funnily enough, in season three, we see Claire and Carmy share a cigarette.

Claire: “Can you just not make this weird? Like, I need a favor. My cousin bailed on me.”

Did he feel a certain way after doing that favor for her? Which would explain why he asked her for a favor too and struggled to explain why he gave her a fake number. Carmy mentioned how he liked her alot at the party. Did he think it wasn’t anything more than what it was, exchanging favors?

Claire: “You know he, uh he told me you guys are really close and he’s your best friend.” Carmy: “Fak said that?” Claire: “Mhm.” Carmy: “No no no. Fak’s not my best friend.” Claire: “Really?” Carmy: “No no he is. He’s probably my best friend.” Claire: “That’s interesting. To sit with. For you.”

I thought Claire saying this was very strange because I couldn’t grasp whether she was saying a lighthearted joke or making fun of him.

Considering the new information thebearfx had given, did Carmy sense that? Especially when Jones talked about how they wouldn’t care if he was ill. It felt so reminiscent to Claire leaving Carmy in the fridge after he said things that were more concerning rather than hurtful.

Maybe Carmy didn’t realize the type of relationship it was until it was too late.

Thank you so much for reading!! This seems so convoluted. I made a good majority of this on August 7th. Feel free to call me insane for this rabbit hole (I’m well aware of how insane I look). There’s alot of information that I just discovered recently besides this meta but I don’t even know how to put it in the proper words. So, bear with me for a bit lmao. Fair warning, the topic of animals, gardens, plants, water, glass, and cigarettes might come back in a good majority of my metas for now. Hopefully I’ll be able to properly explain why later lol.

#the magic trick #the bear is a magic show #i have alot to unpack for this one #feel free to give me your interpretations of it!#i’ll probably go more in depth with most of this in separate posts soon hopefully #jeremy allen white #lionel boyce #matty matheson #ricky staffieri #sydcarmy meta #the bear meta #carmy berzatto #anti claire bear #anti claire dunlap #marcus brooks #neil fak #ted fak #the bear fx #the bear

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