#ugh this shit is gonna be so hard idk why im doing this right now but I needed to make this step at some point

[graevs666]

had a convo w my friend abt weed and addictions bc they r sober from alcohol (and yes they’re both diff) but they convinced me to delete / block my dealers numbers and tell my other friends

So I just sent voice messages asking them not to smoke around me bc im tryna detox

[raccoonsface]

“T-Tara?” Pt.2

____________——————————____________

Words- About 750

Warnings- angst or fluff, idk tbh. Swearing, idk what else

Just to say some stuff, I lost my other emails’ password and that email was connected to my other account so I’m on this one now. Sorry for being gone for so long too!

Summary- Y/n and Tara have a crush on each other and go to great lengths to make sure they have them all to themselves.

————————______________———————-

Part 1

______________————————_____________

“Jeez the suns out early”

Tara has just woken up from her sleep, she was tired from all the running around yesterday.

She almost falls back asleep because of it but then she turns over and takes a look at her clock

“SHIT! ITS 10:30 AM IM LATE FOR SCHOOL”

She rushes to get all of her stuff packed so she can make it to school before lunch, which is at 11:30, so it shouldn’t be that hard… right?

“Okay I’m fucked… I can’t find my keys.”

Oh Well she’s fucked

————————______________———————-

______________————————_____________

Tara’s POV

“I’m gonna fucking die”

I’m not gonna make it there in time, come on Tara run faster. Damn it’s hot out

Fuck I didn’t bring my inhaler, again?!What the fuck Tara, you’re gonna die on the side of the street. I’ve gotta sit down, yeah the sidewalk under this tree looks fine.

“Damn two days in a row”

Is this heaven? Ugh it’s too bright here.

“Hah, no this isn’t heaven Tara” oh it’s Y/n

“Well if it isn’t then what am I doing looking at a goddess” damn what’s going on right now

“Geez don’t you got the pick up lines when you’re literally gasping for air”

She’s funny, and really pretty

“Okay, Tara here you go” Her and that extra inhaler

I mean it definitely feels way better when I can breathe that’s for sure, but every time I look at her I loose my breath anyways so I don’t really see the point in it.

“You good Tara?” So kind

“Huh, oh yeah” me and my dumbass self

“Okay good… what are you doing running out here with a backpack on anyways?” Looking for a princess like you

“Oh- uhm I’m running late for school”

“Huh, I didn’t know there was school on Saturdays” shit of course it’s Saturday, that’s why my alarm didn’t go off.

“Oh… I forgot it was Saturday” oh my god you sound like an idiot Tara!

“Huh, well you need a ride to get home?” I think I’m gonna faint

“Uhm I mean if you’re willing to” Oh. My. God.

“I mean if you want me to” of course I do beautiful.

“Uh I mean yeah sure”

“Okay, yeah, alright uhm my cars over there”

“Right! Right, I gotta get up” oh my god she’s reaching out her hand towards me, oh I’m gonna die when I get home

“Thanks”

“Yeah, no problem” She seems kinda shy.. it’s probably nothing I’m over analyzing

“Damn this car seat is comfy” no like holy shit this is comfy

“Yeah, I know, they’re custom seats.” Of course they are

“Anyways where do you live?” Oh right!

“Oh uhm it’s uhh” me and my damn it stuttering

“You wanna go eat instead? I mean you must be hungry from all that running, and I don’t mean to-“ aww she’s so cute I can’t believe I survived without her before

“I’d love to go out with you- I mean yeah I’m down to go eat with you” what the hell Tara

“Huh, right, anyways where should we go?” Shit I don’t know

“Uhm, let’s go tooooooo…” I have no idea where to go eat

“How about we drive around and figure out where to eat..?” Phew!

“Yeah I think that’s probably the better idea” she’s really smart… she could be my wife..

OKAY NO Tara get yourself together. You cannot do this. But she’s so perfect.. maybe just maybe. I can’t even fight it anymore.. I need her. I need Y/n.

————————______________———————-

Oh my god. A lot has happened in the past two months. The meaning behind this new account is between the warnings and the summary at the top.

Sorry for the short post! They’ll be way more sooner!

I have a three part series for Astrid Deetz, the last two parts will probably come out after the movie is released because I can’t really get much off of her character just from the trailer

Anyways hope you guys have had a nice day!

[away-ward]

im sorry for this rant KO, but why on earth is the bonus content for nightfall is the start of the horsemen? Like omfg. I really dont need it to exist because i like the mystery of them. Why can't we just have a willemmy bonus 😭 i'm so fucking upset. I initially wanted to pre-order the paperback but thinking about that whole alex drama in BC, i didn't, thank the lord for that! But i was still hoping for a willemmy bonus or maybe a will or emmy's back story, but we're getting to see Damon, A-FUCKING-GAIN? How many fucking bonus do we have to see him??! Fuck, i'm so upset, idk who to rant this with because i don't talk about this series to anybody irl.

Excerpt from PD's insta:

DAMON GRABS HIS JACKET OFF THE COURT AND PULLS IT ON AS HE LEAVES.

"YOU OKAY?" MICHAEL ASKS KAI.

BUT KAI JUST GESTURES TO DAMON WHO PUSHES THROUGH THE HEAVY DOUBLE DOORS. "I TOLD YOU, MAN," HE BLURTS OUT TO MICHAEL. "HE'S TROUBLE."

"NO," MICHAEL QUICKLY RETORTS, LOOKING IN THE DIRECTION DAMON LEFT. "HE'S AN ENFORCER, KAI."

HIS FRIEND STARES AT HIM.

"AND EVERY TEAM NEEDS ONE," MICHAEL ADDS, DROPPING THE BASKETBALL INTO KAI'S HANDS. "TELL THE COACH I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

end-

🥲 ngl, i'm so sick of damon's appearance, at this point not only his character wasn't my fav, pd over-pushing him makes me really hate him now. "He's the enforcer" ughhhh, and when did this branding ever came up in the devil's night series? I only remember this point being discussed here on your blog of your meta about damon's character and his implicit role in their friend group and family. Istg i really never saw his role being discussed and branded like this anywhere, so the only place it could happen was in the private chat's of their pendragon fb group or between PD and their editor/most trusted beta readers. Istg the pettier side of me feels like some of PD's fb group fans saw your discussion posts here with other anons and told on PD, then they got inspired by you ideas about "his role" in the family. Which in theory, i don't see much wrong from it, but truly, where did this role establishment and branding came from? And ofc in PD's fashion, they had to rebrand Damon's role to be positive and borderline inspiring 🙄

and fuck, who cares about logic right? Definitely not PD when they kept on writing A and meaning B in their stories, but kept on being pissed off when readers understood it as A. 🤡

at this point, i'm not even excited anymore for this bonus content. I genuinely thought something good will come out of it, but with their opinion of willemmy a few weeks ago, and now with this. Idk. But I just know and fully sure now that PD just wanted to avoid the alex-aydin-will-emmy qna discussion extra materials, because they knew they fucked that one up, and many readers hated it, and so they probably want to just bury that shit and move past it. So of course, we'll never gonna get a willemmy bonus content. Ugh. I can't fault them for wanting to move on, but for someone who wnats to move on so bad and ignore the uncomfy parts of their own mistake in writing, they sure as hell is still be talking and hinting at this series from time to time especially for their most fav characters 🙄

but fr KO, it really left a sour taste in my mouth when an author behaves like this. Penelope Douglas is just so, ugh, idk. At this point ideky i'm still hoping for them to be better tbh when they've always been known to be problematic, like they're always just so disappointing. I need to detach my feelings for books i like to read with their authors, because i'm just gonna end up upset like this. But it's so hard!!! Especially when they're indies and you like some parts of the things they put out, and can't always find it anywhere else. Ughhh. i heard that series by Monty Jay was giving DN, so i might check it out, and i really hope it's better.

+ when you get a reach of the bonus materials, will you be sharing them here and share your thoughts and opinions about them? I'm a big yapper and i just wanna yap with somebody about it frfr.

Hey. Oh man, I feel your pain.

I really dont need it to exist because i like the mystery of them. Why can't we just have a willemmy bonus

Ohh, I wish I was with you on this but I’m actually excited about it. As someone who wants to understand these characters better, and who absolutely goes bonkers over character origin stories, this is right up my alley. I never expected any kind of Willemmy scene, so maybe I’m not as disappointed as I would be otherwise.

From what I heard, there are some willemmy scenes in this origin story though! So not all hope is lost (although I don’t know how it’s supposed to make sense, since I’ve also heard that this starts during their freshmen year and Emmy’s a year younger so… but whatever. I’m just happy for the moments!)

I am so sorry that this isn’t what you wanted!

Istg the pettier side of me feels like some of PD's fb group fans saw your discussion posts here with other anons and told on PD, then they got inspired by you ideas about "his role" in the family. Which in theory, i don't see much wrong from it, but truly, where did this role establishment and branding came from?

As much as this idea tickles me, the fact is that this was probably written months ago, and I only really had that discussion with in the past few weeks. More than likely, we were just picking up on something PD was implying the entire time.

But I just know and fully sure now that PD just wanted to avoid the alex-aydin-will-emmy qna discussion extra materials, because they knew they fucked that one up, and many readers hated it, and so they probably want to just bury that shit and move past it.

I’m still holding out of that pinterest board and discussion questions (though, it may be a lost cause). It just seems so stupid that they’d withhold those two things since they’re so minor compared to the bonus scene.

they sure as hell is still be talking and hinting at this series from time to time especially for their most fav characters

Coming from a writer’s perspective, it’s hard to let your favs go. Long after the other characters stop “speaking” to you, your favs come back. You still see them doing stuff. And PD is proud of the series, so of course they’re not going to bury it.

But yes, I agree that the fandom has been pretty loud about wanting some more willemmy content for some closure, and it shouldn’t be this hard to sit and think about the characters and deliver something, just to be kind to your readers and fans. I can’t say why PD is so resistant to it, but that’s for them to know.

i heard that series by Monty Jay was giving DN, so i might check it out, and i really hope it's better.

I had to look it up, and I’m assuming you’re speaking about the hollow boys? I haven’t read it, but if you do get around to it, I hope you enjoy it.

Regarding PD, I hardly ever look into the background of an author or give them a second thought. I also have never had the desire to contact an author, or do meet and greets or anything, that’s just me. So, I’ve never had the issue of needing to detach a work from an author, but I can see the struggle.

+ when you get a reach of the bonus materials, will you be sharing them here and share your thoughts and opinions about them? I'm a big yapper and i just wanna yap with somebody about it frfr.

I absolutely will share my thoughts, of course! I might do a reading react, or just a summary of my thoughts, whatever feels right. Again, I feel for your frustration and disappointment. The let down is never easy, but you'll read better books in the future. This isn't the last of it for you. So look forward to finding your next favorite read.

-KO

[emloafs]

ep by ep thoughts (ck s6ep4)

THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE EPISODE (iykyk). i haven't recovered from it. spoilers below!!!!!!!

EP4

You’re telling me the episode opens with hawks ugly ass American flag hair? Shut the hell up. and no one comments on it????

NO WORDS JUST THE SHOT FOCUSING IN ON DEMETRI OVER ELI’S SHOULDER LOOKING LONGINGLY LETS REPLAY THAT

“Each and every one of you has a shot” as its a shot of Anthonyy (Anthony does not have a shot xo)

“Its really only that 6th spot that’s up for grabs” “yeah and its yours for the taking” ELI BELIEVES IN HIM SM STOP

Sorry to say I eat my words the fab 4 will not all be making it, and neither will hawk, you can just tell from how overconfident they are

It is the way that my entire body is reacting to having average, every day content of binary bfs at school and its ruined by Eli’s FUGLY HAIR and HORRIBLE OUTFITS 

I do appreciate that demetri is still demetri and he’s like there’s an 18% chance of me making it and I know that so it is what it is academics over karate has always been my thing

“MIT cannot turn down the binary bros” OH NO MITS GONNA TURN DOWN THE BINARY BROS

I think Eli is having second thoughts about MIT or he thinks he won’t get in 

I love them being normal in high school!!!!!!!!! Cancel the karate half of the show I don’t need it

THE BABIES BEING FRIENDS THE BABIES BEING FRIENDS ANTHONY DEVON KENNY BROT3 AHHH

Idk how ep4 is gonna go down but it’s my favorite already 

The camera work is fire

Okay kiaz cartwheel… go off? Ig?

NATE YELLING FUCK???? IM DYING

“Mucles” “I HAVE A NEW NICKNAME!!!” This is Mitch’s season fr

Actually rooting so hard for demetri <3 call me biased

Kisses for baby Anthony throw him a bone

Anthony is SO TALL NOW?

“The power couples and hawk” honestly that’s the best way to describe them let’s coin that

Devon better be picked fr actually she needs a win and she’s better than most of them

NOT YASMIN SHOWING UP IN A MINI SKIRT WTF

Not me imagining Yasmine walking into the dojo and she just finds dem and Eli making out

Omg are they breaking up

“I’ve come as far as I can go, and I can live with that” that’s right dem and you’ve done great

“Youre breaking up with me?” “No!” Damn. So close.

Why does his girlfriend have to be the motivation ugh

“Just like MIT, you’re not going to Barcelona without me” LOVING MY HAWKMETRI CRUMBS THEYRE IN LOVE

“I didn’t apply” MMY JAW IS ON THE FLOOR GENUINELY

Eli doesn’t want to let dem down :((( 

Oh shit he’s gonna tell him and demetri is gonna be betrayed and kick his ass low key

I personally love capture the flag <3

Omg eli’s literally not gonna make it his head is in the clouds about college and demetri brother get it togetherrrrr 

If Anthony makes it to the tournament and not Eli im suing 

I am scared of barnes

Ok power couples saw that coming

JUSTICE FOR ELI IM GONNA THROW UP

Daniel is a bloody nose Anthony will be fine

Angsty Anthony idek what do with you

Oh god Johnny and barnes fight in a warehouse with power tools WHY just WHY

Oh I don’t like when demetri and Eli fight I hate this game 

Eli won’t hurt dem again and if they come to a head, and frankly demetri is going to destroy him

ELI NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO TELL HIM OH I WANT TO CRY

DAD AND DAD STOP FIGHTING I CAN’T TAKE IT I SAID I WANTED THE DRAMA BUT I WAS WRONGGGGG GO BACK TO BEING BACKGROUND CHARACTERS STOP THE VIOLENCE oh god im UNPACKING this scene later

Hawk buddy you’re fucked. Demetri is going to kill you. Honestly. I’ll start picking the flowers for your funeral.

Eli’s outfit sucks in this btw I need to speak to wardrobe

OH SHIT DEM FOLLOWED ELI THEY’RE FUCKED

No way… Kenny has the runs… this his sabotage.  That sucks literally that’s gross and embarrassing. You’re all dead to him.

IM SICK TO MY STOMACH ABOUT DEM AND ELI 

I JUST GASPED

I DON’T LIKE DARK DEM

HOLDING HAWKS ARM???? “How do you like it?!” IM GONNA THROW UP 

Eli loves him so much it hurts and dem is so mad at him 

I ACTUALLY AM SHITTING MY PANTS THAT DEM WON

IM CONFLICTED im really proud of my baby but dear god am I worried about Eli

Thank you writers for not making dm a background character <3

KARATE DADS CRUMBS: Anthony comforting hawk after he lost <33333 he’s like I hate when my dads fight fr

Devon obv put the laxatives in his water right… OH YUP it is now confirmed 

I like really actually cannot believe the hawkmetri fight…………… like……….. holy fuck did that just happen? The arm thing?????? Holy fuck

Why does it feel like they just broke up

Someone hold me.

(I enjoy the pain, though. Episode 4 IS my favorite.)

[dani-ya-dig]

THE ABIGAIL VIDEO!!! I HAVEN’T TALKED ABT MY WIFE!

Ok so like chronological order bc I have listened to the audio like a million times at this point lmao. And I WILL talk abt it bc everyone needs to be obsessed with this channel like I am it’s SO GOOD GUYS PLS I SWEAR!!! Kk

Glenwood’s magic is doing its thing, and I’m really glad that plot point keeps getting brought up. Like ofc right now most of us are definitely more focused on the romance between Abby, Wielder, and Rose (which same. Love my ladies) but also like HELLO??? Abigail, a nonwielder, was the first person to really think there was something behind how strange glenwood was! And she is actively trying to investigate it (with Wielder and maybe Rose), and now she has even more resources for that!!! Like I just love that Miss Castle is making sure we don’t forget abt this bc I think abt it all the time.

Abby knowing her mom was gonna get on her ass about buying shelves from Amazon rather than thrifting some >

Abigail apologizing every time she swears in the voicemail >>>>>

Also I wonder how far away Abby lives from her family now? She obviously misses them a whole lot regardless of how far away they are, but it makes me wonder if they are just like the next state over, or if this is an across the country situation. (Aka, Dani is desperately trying to figure out where Glenwood would be geographically so I can get more info). I think Rose mentioned something about her flying??? Unless I made that up. But if I didn’t that would mean her family is likely too far for Abby to be able to warrant driving there.

Abby telling her mom about her channel even if she doesn’t fully understand makes me wanna cry. ITS SO CUTE GUYS I SWEAR!!! imagining Abby sending pics of her streaming setup to her mom is fucking adorable and if you don’t see it idk what to tell you.

Also the audible cringe in Abby’s voice as she prepares herself for the knowledge that she would have to deal with everyone asking why she didn’t being a date to the wedding. So Harper coded lmao.

Maybe not a plus one… but a plus two???

“And they’re…. hah mom they’re really cool” IM GONNA FUCKING SCREAM!!! THE WAY HER VOICE WENT ALL SOFT IM COSBSOXSBHDKDKCJC GOD IM SO GAY HOLY SHIT

“Please don’t play this for Sammy, when he comes back home, please Ma…” makes me giggle so hard because yeah, that sums up what having older siblings is like exactly, if you slip up once they will NEVER let it go

It makes me so fucking happy to hear Abby going all soft talking about how she had made a home in Glenwood, and how she feels safe with Wielder and Rose. Especially after she has dealt with not feeling like she fits in and, no doubt, bullying for most stages of her life. I’m just really happy to see the silly little gay people talking in my headphones get to be happy.

I NEED WIELDER AND ROSE TO MEET ABBY’S FAMILY ASAP! I know that they would both just be so overwhelmed with love from Abby’s (most likely) massive family. Rose especially would be so flustered from all the attention and love, having not come from a home that gave that love freely and unconditionally. It would probably be so refreshing for her. I KNOW Abby’s mom is gonna be feeding all of them well, too!

OMG IMAGINE!! Abby’s mom doing the usual embarrassing family stuff like pulling out baby pictures, and telling embarrassing stories, and Abigail obviously red in the face but still taking it on the chin until her mom pulls out the voicemail that Abigail had sent her when she first moved to Glenwood and all of them lose their shit in very different ways. Abigail is embarrassed beyond belief, Rose is also flustered from the “going at it” bit, and Wielder can’t stop laughing hysterically.

UGH ITS A NEED! YOU DONT UNDERSTAND!!!

[knightcoree]

Incoming vent: cuz I'm a ball of stress rn

I'm trying for a job at the movies and the apps so confusing by the time I figure this shit out i do believe they will stop hiring RIP COME ONNN...

I need a job . But also something better than retail fuck retail I been working retail for years it sucksss and also, I been awake cuz idk? Adhd maybe? And just cleaning my room like a crazy person lol maybe I'm a nervous wreck I definitely am. I haven't been replying to stuff as quickly as usual cuz I been so stressed... I haven't had a job in a while cuz I been feeling... idk like I suck at everything so why try? I keep quitting or getting fired when will the cycle end.. ugh.. it's just very discouraging yah.. so I'm nervous I'll screw up this job too like the others..yah. part of the reason I haven't been even looking for a job in a while is that. Im glad my mom is being patient w me. Cuz my anxiety and depression gets the best of me at times. Those close to me know that too well... yahhh.. I get depressed and yah. Anxious too. It's bad sometimes. Real bad. I'm glad you guys are patient w my stupid ass too. Thank you. <3 I'm trying so hard to adult lol and to keep it together for you guys...I don't even drive yet I'm too scared.. im.. yah in trying to push myself more. I used to go to college too. Need to go back and get a REAL career one day. I do hope. That's a whole nother story..college.. I can't go til I get a grant.. cuz I lost my scholarship for quitting too many classes and 1 bitchy professor failing me cuz I'm too shy in class. Fuck them. Yah. Anyway. Yah. That's discouraging too so much to get nervous about. That asshole professor even threw away my paperwork stating I'm autistic and need help and I'm shy esc. All about my autism. I got the paper from my school counselor who told me to give the papers to my professors. But that 1 bitch prof. one threw it away right in front of me. Fuck em. Hate em so much. Theatre class was a waste of my time.yet I passed mythology class the professor for that LOVED me . So yah. Theatre guy was biased af. I also passed art. And that was HARD AF i had to take extra trips to get extra credit but i did it and prof loved me. Theatre guy was the only bitch who hated me. Like i even did extra credit trips for Theatre for them yet. Yah. Im unfavored apparently idk. should have reported them to the dean like everyone told me to. But i didn't like a dumbass lol. Now it's too late so rip. I'm going back eventually for zookeeping or voice acting cuz tbh choosing is hard. But ya I'll get a grant. I'm trying next year. I'm gonna try driving next year too. I'm pushing myself to adult.

-jax

[andvys]

HI ANDYYYY I JUST CAUGHT UP ON TATTOO KISS AND YOU HAVE ME IN A CHOKEHOLD WITH THIS STORY

You can’t believe how much has changed in the past six months. 

my last year of high school was so awful and lonely and weird and different from the rest i can really relate to y/n rn 😭

Robin chuckles at the confused look on your face, she sips on her coffee and scoots closer to you on the bench, reaching for a brownie in the brown paper bag between you two. 

A BROWNIE OMFGGGGGG I REALLY WANT A BROWNIE NOOOOWWW

“Friends who slap each other’s butts?” 

she's got a point there girl cause no friend of mine has ever done that 😭

“Yeah, he always pushed me away. He hated cuddling, he never held me, he hated holding my hand. His kisses were rough and he always pushed me away after we had.. sex.”

steve needs to do a backflip into a pool full of mud honestly

“Ugh,” she rolls her eyes, “they probably don’t exist.”

idk if this is going to happen in this time-line but i find it so funny that in another universe it's steve who is her platonic soulmate

“I kinda wanna know what it’s like to get arrested forcefully, being thrown to the ground and getting handcuffed like in those action movies,” you say as you tilt your head, “I wouldn’t mind getting arrested by Jim Hopper, he’s so hot,” you giggle. 

not me reading that just after i got pat down by a security guard in the airport 😭

“That’s chief Munson to you, little lady,” he glares at you, still talking in a deep voice, “and you’re under arrest for being a bad girl.”

that would make me a little hot and bothered not gonna lie

“Cute polka dot undies, babe. I bet Harrington busted in his pants when he saw these,” he chuckles, staring at your ass. 

polka dot panties are cute to be fair

You are too high out of your mind to be embarrassed about anything, right now. You finally stop wiggling around, you crane your neck to the side, trying to look at him, “I usually didn’t wear any when we were together.” 

OH OKAY

He laughs in surprise, “okay slut,” he jokes causing you to erupt into a fit of giggles. He tugs at the hem of your skirt, putting it back into place, he then looks away, clearing his throat, he gets up and adjusts his pants before he leans down, uncomfortably. Grabbing your waist, he picks you up, laughing at the way you squeal before he puts you back on your feet. He grabs the cuffs, “let’s get back in the cell, little criminal,” he whispers, pushing you through the hallway and back into his room.

not him getting hard 😭

“Tell me,” he says as he leans closer to you, “which girl are you in a horror movie, the one that gets killed having sex or the innocent little girl turning into a killer?”

ewww what the hell

You laugh, “sure, why not.”

girl RUN!! the other way!!

Your heart beats faster and you gasp against him, you did not expect this. He pulls you even closer against him, kissing you desperately.

EW EW EW

“I’m gonna fuck you so hard.” 

go fuck yourself then bro get your musty ass OUT of here

“Or what?” He chuckles, “you’re not gonna do shit. You can’t tell me you didn’t wear this for me,” he says, tugging at your dress before he lets go of your wrist and grabs your face instead, “and the way you looked at me at the bonfire? You gave me those eyes, babe. I knew you wanted to be fucked.”

HE NEEDS TO BE CASTRATED

“I took you out and listened to the shit you were telling me about, the least you could do was let me fuck you after teasing me all night.”

i actually need this guy to suffer all his life and never know peace.

AAA THIS STORY IS SOOOO GOOOOD ANDY!! IM ADDICTED AT THIS POINT

and how are you lovely?? :) - honey anon

BESTIE HIIII I MISSED YOU!!!

I’m so glad you’re enjoying this story so much! I’m having so much fun with all this angst 🥹🥹

I’m sorry your last year of high school was that way :( it was the same for me! Especially in the last few months of it! High school time can be so so horrible and lonely

Also Brownies are that one dessert that I always wanna make but I never actually end up making them 😩

‘steve needs to do a backflip into a pool full of mud honestly’ THAT MADE ME GIGGLE

omg you got pat down at the airport? 😭

Eddie totally got a little situation going on down there 🫢

AND I AGREE RAY NEEDS TO BE CASTRATED ‼️‼️ he’s gonna suffer though😌

& i’m doing okay! thank you 🫶🏻 i’m just writing a lot right now and taking care of my kitten!!! 🥺 how are you doing, love? 🩷

[badnamemcbadface]

Being super serious right now I just had a major relapse on my (redacted) addiction

Ive been thinking hard about the little relapse I had last week and how I'm gonna need to keep strong and then Wham I get (redacted) and suddenly it's (redacted) time

I want to kill myself quite seriously I don't know what to do

I forgot to (redacted) which is even worse because I didn't cover my tracks at all except a cursory (redacted) which ain't gonna do shit

I fell right off the precipice

I was journaling earlier about how my life was gonna be a serious journey of stepping up to the precipice but not falling over, like for the whole of my life this addictions gonna follow me but I can be the No guy. Just say no

If this gets out imma lose my life my job my everything. And it's gonna, it might even still even if I never do again, ugh I'm

So scared and upset with myself

What's the point of being alive

I shouldn't be posting here on the site that hates me but idk where else to write this shit down

Seriously if I ever do (redacted) again idk what I'll do

Nothing probably just continue being a fat slob who (redacted) and is never gonna be anything or do anything and always sucks

Just do (redacted) and carry on as normal I guess FUCK

Why do I have a brain like this.

Anyway my therapist gave me some self compassion homework but like. How is that helping. How is being nice to myself gonna stop (redacted) when I'm (redacted) I know I'm not supposed to label myself like that but!!! What is the POINT I don't deserve it tbh I don't deserve help and I certainly don't deserve compassion

I'm not allowed to kill myself though lol 😆

That was the suggested emoji for that sentence so I guess fml 🙃🙃🙃

Better dead than (redacted) anyway

Seriously the moment I get caught for this shit it's over

Isn't the world better off without me, what's the difference between me rehabilitated and me dead like the latter is quicker and easier and doesn't waste everybody's time

Ugh idk idc idc idc

I need to be meaner to myself. I can't keep getting away with it

(yesterday I described an incident of (redacted) that happened in a (redacted) and my therapist said she was sorry that happened to me??? I DONT DESERVE IT. IM CHOOSING TO DO THIS IM BAD AND EVIL)

Like if I told anyone random about (redacted) they would AT BEST turn away in disgust

I'm nothing

[rissysdelulucorner69]

OKAY SO we were watching avatar and i was cuddling him like my leg over his thighs and my arm wrapped around his torso. well after a lil bit i look up and ask very quietly if i could sit on his lap and he said yea so i got up and sat on his lap and i stayed there for a few minutes enjoying it and then i asked quietly if i could bite him and he said "no not today" and i grunted softly and layed my head back on his shoulder. now heres where it starts getting... spicy? idk LMFAO so tbh idk how it started but i do remember like very very (at least i think/thought so) grinding against him cause his hard on that good spot that makes me horny and i was silent for a lil bit just very lightly grinding and there were a couple of time where i had to bite my lip so i wouldnt make a noise cause it just felt so good. anyway tbh idk how it started like fr its all a blur honestly, but at some point he put his hands on my upper thighs and so ig i took that as scoot up...? idk honestly but i scooted up and then ig something happened and he put his hands on my ass and started to gently grind against me (as im typing this i can still feel him im gonna KILL MYSELF) and then something else happened and we started to legitimately grind against each other and at some point he whispered to me something like "good girl, say your a good girl" and BRO GUDXUFFUXFYXFH IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN IT IDK IDK IDK but i whispered it really softly at first like my voice gave out half way and he said "say it" or smthn like that and then told me to look at him and so i pulled away and i looked at him and he said smthn like "say youre a good girl" AND FUCCKKKKKK WHAT AM I GONNA DO SAY NO??? PLUS MY BRAIN WAS JUST GONE SO I SAID I WAS A GOOD GIRL AND IDR WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT but i think it was after that that he asked if he could unzip his pants like obviously not take himself out but like just unzip his jeans and i said yea and so he did and i sat back on him and i continued to grind against him and FUCK DID IT FEEL SO GOOD DUDE LIKE FUCK SHIT BITCH FUCCKKKKKK UGH ok the way he kept grabbing at my ass and grinding into me OH BITCH GICGCUXUGGUXJGCJGC GONE IM GONE DECEASED IM DUST RAGH he was so hard and it felt so good grinding against him OMFG at one point when i was getting close i remember opening my eyes and legitimately getting deja vu and without thinking i said out loud "deja vu" like thats it thats all i said and i think bray laughed and said smthn like "well thats good" TBH IDR WHAT HE SAID FUCK I WISH I REMEMBERED WHAT HE SAID UGHHHHHHHH ANYWAY so when i was like right there i started whimpering quietly and then when i came i whimpered out stop (i think idr FUCK 😭) and he stopped and i layed my head on his shoulder and i was panting and after a couple of minutes bray asked "did you...?" and i nodded and said a quiet "yea" and i think he said some dumb ass comment idk i wasnt really paying attention but FUCK OKAY THAT FR WAS NOT MY INTENTION I SWEAR I FR ONLY WANTED TO CUDDLE 😭😭😭 IDK WHAT HAPPENED AND I REMEMBER SAYING SORRY AND HE SAID "for what?" and i was like "i dunno" LIKE IDK WHY IM SORRY I JUST FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE SORRY MAN SHIT 😭😭😭 BUT LIKE SHIIITTTTTTTT SCRATCH THAT OFF MY BUCKET LIST FR LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO im gonna kill myself

[whataphantasia]

ugh ok that poll i reblogged made me listen to UUFO again and i didnt realize it's been like a few months since i listened to it in full FKKEDN (ok this got long so it's under a cut now)

every song ive just been going "OMG I LOVE THIS SONG" DJAKDJEK IM NORMAL IM NORMAL

i know its cringe to like a camellia album this much but uufo is like. a culmination of a LOT of the things i like, and all of camellias experience leading up to that point yk.. and so much love and effort went into it from so many different people.. auuuughhh

every part of the album comes together... i LOVE albums with a theme and this one is PARANORMAL OCCURENCES and URBAN LEGENDS and shit ITS EVERYTHING I LOVE!! the different pieces of album art... ufo girl... wauuuu wauuuu cries sobs

idc if its uncritical and cringe to love every song i do what i want. i dont rly care abt if a song is structurally good as long as it makes me happy it goes hard (and all of them make me happy)

the website.. so pretty...

ok im gonna go to bed after doinf this but heres a few tracks i want to ramble abt (i wish i could do all of the tracks but i wont (FOR NOW...))

for the longest time buzzbox was my favorite song LOL. it was one of my first songs on the album and the russian bass/hardcore mix is just SO good. idk why i liked it so much honestly, its not rly what i LISTEN to yk. i have a fond memory of making my geometry teacher listen to it in 10th grade and she never let me pick a class song again. SHE LIKED EDM TOO I THOUGHT SHE'D GET IT </33

obviously ghoul is amazing. no notes. everyone loves that song.

OOPARTS IS A BONUS TRACK ON THIS ALBUM. OOPARTS. OF COURSE IT'S GOOD

speaking of the muzzle facing.. god idk. the melodic metal undertones. i LOVE a big variety in musical textures and this song just SCRATCHES my DAMN BRAIN. the part where it goes *metal guitar riff* *oingo boingo ass scratching noises* ANDJWJDJEJD IM NORMAL (at 1:37)

POLYBIUS GB IS SO GOOD. the way every section of the song builds on eachother AUGH. the final drop with the chiptune/extratone. CAMELLIA AND HIS EXTRATONEY FINAL DROPS ARE SO GOOD WAUUU WAAAA

a lot of what i feel abt polybius gb ALSO applies to final blenderman!!!! except final blenderman has WAYY more electric guitar YEAHHHH!! camellia final drops. the shift from rock guitar to chiptune melody, and an extratoneish finale,, reminds me a bit of million pp actually? haha. it miiiight be my favorite song? it outranked buzzbox a while ago but tbh this place might be slipping for like, the muzzle facing.

i actually didnt like myths you forgot as much as the other tracks when i first listened to it.. idk why? maybe bc it was a little slower? past me has no taste bc this track is so layered. and good. thanks toby fox

artcore is usually an "eh, its good" for me (i have a lot of artcore i enjoy, like fallen symphony) but #1f1e33 is different.. just felt like pointing it out (esp since this album has a longer version of it) like! i never felt BORED! every section builds! and has interesting auditory textures! lol. ig thats how u keep my attention (not that "being boring" is inherently bad ofc)

i have really fond memories of listening to microwave-proof cat in like, 10th/9th grade... sighh that song is so fun. the main melody's texture is just so bouncy. kisses it.

OKAY. DAMN. its 3. i need to go to bed. i'd love to continue rambling abt this though. maybe later.

as of right now my favorite camellia song (outside of this album) is parallel universe shifter :3c yeah, like, his most recent 7 minute song. of course its good. idk just.. it has all the things i like in it. i'd love to be able to one day make music like this song specifically. but point is, it has all of my favorite musical things.. in it. idk how to explain it. the name too. its super personal to me LOL. and the references and callbacks in the song. so tasty

ig another 8+ track edm album i like is also good evening hollowood... can you tell i love paranormal/halloween themed albums. JK LOL the songs in that album have nothing to do with that. while im talking abt t+pazolite i like ponko2 girlish too.. maybe ill dedicate a post to that if i get bored.

OK FOR REAL NOW ILL STOP. BYE

[painonthebrain]

I’m gonna be honest watching everything with @/emmettworld go down is just kinda sad and also makes me. Conflicted?

Idk proship vs anti shit below cut im just . I probably shouldnt be writing anything rn bc my brain isn’t functioning for. Some fucking reason but whatever i do what i want

Like I don’t define myself as proship bc I think the whole pro vs anti thing is like. Ugh I can’t find the words. Idk it’s like.

Like I don’t want to call myself proship because. I have so many friends who will tear me apart for that and itll ruin our relationships and I love them and also I hate like. Having to attribute myself to a “side” but like. I’m completely fine with everything fictional. Yes. I don’t care, as long as it’s properly tagged, warned, etc.

Also I ship stuff like selfcest and clonecest so. Idk I don’t think antis do that.

And anti culture reeks of ew ew ew this (fiction) is gross! It shouldn’t exist AT ALL! And proship culture reeks of oh my god these stupid baby minors this is FICTION. DUH. Youre all beneath me

Anyway I know theres at least one moot i i can think of who has proship dni in their intro and like... if ur reading this. hi. I dont call myself proship but i certainly have some of the beliefs which is why i interact but if you’re uncomfortable u can totally block me like. Im not doing this to be some shady imposter who lurks in the dark i just dont label myself as any of this shit!!

im like. Lowkey terrified of how people are going to react to this post bc im HORRIBLE at using my words rn but like.

Like i just want people to make whatever tf they want to make! It shouldn’t be a person’s problem to “sanitize” themselves! And also fictional characters are quite literally made up people we create to do whatever the fuck we want to them! But also it’s important (in my opinion) to be at least a little critical of what you make. But also you shouldn’t have to file down your expression. But alsO-

Like there are so many factors to well. Factor in when it comes to fiction! And i try so hard to develop my media literacy (even with my underdeveloped baby frontal lobe) every day but even so these topics can be hard to navigate

Anyway yeah no conclusion paragraph because as you can probably tell from my writing. I have no idea what im saying i just feel the need to say something

Idk i just feel like a neurotic prey animal right now like im like.

Ok ok time to get personal guys

I have like MAJOR irrational fears that i am a horrible person like. Almost constantly and pro vs anti discourse makes that shit go fucking WILD. anyway. Yeah i have like this almost fanatic paranoid fear that no matter how hard i try i am a Bad Person and that im like. Metaphorically rotting from the inside and eventually i will expose it to everyone that i am Bad and Awful and Nasty and that even then when everything goes bad ill be completely unaware of my own inherent corruptness and that i will eventually hurt people or whoever i have the capacity to hurt and that things are doomed to fail for me because im such an abhorrent person

Anyway yeah those thoughts are obviously NONSENSICAL because… what??? The fuck????

But then my brain is like ooh yeah lets introduce some fucked up thoughts in here. Intrusive thoughts, if you will. Which all span many nasty awful things that are usually highly morally corrupt and wow I wonder if that ties into all that i said before? Yep it probably does!

Which makes me anxious as hell because then im also convincing myself that those thoughts are real and are my own thoughts and wants. Which FUCKS ME UPPP

So anyway that’s why I don’t label myself as pro or anti because proship makes me feel like im a horrible person who will hurt people and is disgusting and awful (also the intrusive thoughts) and the anti label goes against my very strong beliefs of freedom of creation and expression etc.

Yay rant vent brain barf over!!!!

[pesterloglog]

Terezi Pyrope, Roxy Lalonde

Meat, page 36

TEREZI: H3Y COOLK1D

TEREZI: HOWS J4DE DO1NG

ROXY: omg terezi i didnt know u were back!

ROXY: what UP???

TEREZI: OH ROXY

TEREZI: UH H1

TEREZI: 1

TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT YOU W3R3 D4V3

ROXY: o lmao that makes sense

ROXY: i thought for a minute u were appreciating my rad new look

ROXY: but i know i got a ways to go b4 i dethrone the original coolkid

TEREZI: NO NO YOUR3 V3RY COOL!

TEREZI: 1N F4CT 1 WOULD PROB4BLY V3NTUR3 TH4T 1F W3 W3R3 JUDG1NG COOLN3SS 1N 4 FORM4L COOLN3SS CONT3ST JUDG3D BY TH3 PROS, ON 4 COMPL3T3LY OBJ3CT1V3 B4S1S

TEREZI: YOU 4R3 4CTU4LLY 4BOUT 4 B1LL1ON T1M3S COOL3R TH4N D4V3

ROXY: wow thx!

TEREZI: WH1CH 1S 4 F4CT TH4T S33MS SO OBV1OUS TH4T 1V3 D3F1N1T3LY KNOCK3D S3V3R4L R4NKS OFF MY OWN P3RSON4L COOLN3SS 4TTR1BUT3 BY 3V3N S4Y1NG 1T OUT LOUD, R4TH3R TH4N 4LLOW1NG 1T TO B3 4SSUM3D

ROXY: lol no WAY

ROXY: terezi ur like the raddest chick i know

TEREZI: 1F YOU S4Y SO

ROXY: um yeah i fuckin DO say so

ROXY: dont make me repeat myself

ROXY: so....

ROXY: ur here to see jade huh??

TEREZI: Y34H

TEREZI: 1 H34RD WH4T H4PP3N3D TO H3R 4ND THOUGHT 1 SHOULD COM3

TEREZI: W3LL YOU KNOW

ROXY: yeaaa

ROXY: its lookin grim

ROXY: on one hand shes just layin there so theres not rly a chance of her doin anything either evil or heroic to off herself permanently

ROXY: but its also been so long its like

ROXY: is she just gonna sleep forever???

TEREZI: SL33P1NG FOR3V3R D3F1N1T3LY SOUNDS L1K3 4 J4D3 MOV3 TO M3

ROXY: yeah lol i feel bad crackin jokes about it but

ROXY: i think its what shed want

ROXY: us havin hope n all

TEREZI: Y3S

TEREZI: ...3R

TEREZI: WH3R3S C4LL1OP3?

TEREZI: YOU TWO 4R3 ST1LL

TEREZI: TOG3TH3R?

TEREZI: R1GHT

ROXY: oh

ROXY: um GAWD

ROXY: back when jade first got all effed up callie saw somethin and it made them freak out

ROXY: it took me weeks to convince them that it was safe to come home

ROXY: but now we got the opposite problem and they arent leavin the house at all

ROXY: they stay home all day with the blinds drawn paintin some weird ass shit on the walls

TEREZI: WH4T?

ROXY: its not as bad as it sounds i promise

ROXY: some of it is like

ROXY: weird and violent??

ROXY: like lotsa nasty purple blood and um

ROXY: nudity????

TEREZI: >:?

ROXY: yeah yikes

ROXY: but MOST of it is cute stuff like... various combos of all of us being happy and gettin married and shit

ROXY: anyway thats kept callie kinda busy

ROXY: so it was hard as hell to convince them to let me come see jade at all

ROXY: its like theyre traumatized

ROXY: and they think ill drag whatever possessed jade back into our home with me

TEREZI: DO3S C4LL13 KNOW WH4T H4PP3N3D TO J4D3 TH3N?

ROXY: maybe idk

ROXY: im not gonna push them

ROXY: callies got all kinda hang ups about their existence and purpose and potential lack thereof

ROXY: when theyre ready to talk about it i want them to be able to talk about it u know?

TEREZI: Y3S

TEREZI: 1T DO3S SOUND L1K3 PUSH1NG TH3M WH3N TH3YR3 VULN3R4BL3 W1LL JUST B4CKF1R3

ROXY: oh that reminds me!

ROXY: have u seen john lately?

TEREZI: WHY DO YOU 4SK

ROXY: he went back to the medium a while ago right??

ROXY: i thought

ROXY: maybe u and he crossed paths

TEREZI: NO

TEREZI: I H4V3NT S33N H1M

ROXY: oh....

ROXY: damn thats too bad

ROXY: callie n i have been worried

ROXY: kinda hoped he woulda come back

ROXY: or at least let us know what hes up to

ROXY: ugh between this and whats goin on with jade the lack of closures gonna keep me up at night

TEREZI: 1M SORRY

TEREZI: 1 W1SH 1 KN3W WH4T TO T3LL YOU

ROXY: hey its fine

ROXY: u cant fix everyones problems

TEREZI: 1 KNOW

TEREZI: (OMFG)

TEREZI: (1TS “H1M” YOU FUCK1NG O4F!!!)

ROXY: wat

ROXY: who u loudly whispering to

TEREZI: OH

TEREZI: NOBODY

TEREZI: (1M NOT FUCK1NG T3LL1NG H1M TH4T)

ROXY: ummm

ROXY: kay well i should get goin

ROXY: was nice catchin up!

ROXY: dont be a stranger alright?

TEREZI: STR4NG3R TH4N WH4T

ROXY: lmao ur a riot

ROXY: but u know what i mean

TEREZI: Y34H

TEREZI: S33 YOU

ROXY: 8)

TEREZI: UUUUUUUGH

TEREZI: OF COURS3 1 C4N H3AR YOU!!!

TEREZI: YOUV3 B33N BRO4DC4ST1NG YOUR NONS3NS3 4T M3 NONSTOP S1NC3 JOHN Z4PP3D US B4CK!

TEREZI: 1 KNOW TH4T 3V3RY M3MB3R OF YOUR F4M1ILY 3XC3PT TH3 ON3 1 JUST H4D 4 PL34S4NTLY BR13F CONV3RS4T1ON W1TH 1S G3N3T1C4LLY 1NC4P4BL3 OF SHUTT1NG UP

TEREZI: BUT C4NT YOU JUST L3T M3 B3 D3PR3SS3D 1N P34C3?!

TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU W4NT?!

TEREZI: 4ND WH4T TH3 H3LL DO YOU KNOW 4BOUT WH3R3 1 B3LONG?

TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU KNOW 4BOUT WH4T 1 “KNOW”??

TEREZI: H4V3 W3 3V3N H4D 4 S1NGL3 SUST41N3D CONV3RS4T1ON TH4T L4ST3D MOR3 TH4N T3N M1NUT3S???

TEREZI: D1RK, 1 H4V3 NO 1D34 WH4T YOUR3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT

TEREZI: H1M?

[frostbite-the-bat]

goofy ass ms paint werewolf eating a mango as a divider between the rant under this bc i do not wish to be precieved rn but i still wanna rant some thoughts out

random lovely guzma urge to delyeet everythin on myne site bc not only did i make it for petz things back when i was active between petz folks and got some encouragement there and ended up never finishing petz things for it, but i also feel horrible and uncommited for it being hosted and made on weebly and for bein too lazy to yeet my shit over to neocities just cause that shit gives me a headache and instead of getting inspired by people i feel jealous and unwelcome

also been working on my sleep schedule its a bit better now and im like. better in general now..? idk how long i can keep this up but getting up early makes me just. so tired like all day urgh i do not understand how i used to keep myself up when this tired. tired tired. brain empty. hard to do shit for long. defo needs more breaks but i swear to god everything feels like its frying my brain but i got nothin to do indoors. guess i can go draw traditionall but i end up putting such high expectations on myself i just yeah. fuck it up. get stressed. not fun. i need to stop thinking about others bc i keep thinking i put effort into smthn i need to show it off.like if i wasted time here i might as well. no this isnt showable it sucks damn it

even stuff i do draw purely for myself as self indulgent shit i go urhh this aint right

oh and then i try doin a lil excercise so im not like. physically diyng but my god that tires me out like instantly. but its okay, baby steps.

dont know what sort of place i am in mentally. the type id prolly spiral a bit over if it werent nice and 2 pm. wacky stuff. i wanna maybe do some stuff but ugh my brain just. isnt big thoughts when im tired. but honestly when am i not tired. and i am getting art done but i cant get myself to draw all day again ill end up in pain again my hand rn already is being a bit of a bitch

uhhh played pokemon in the morning but i need better pokemon already. i fuck up every raid (raids i need so i can get better mons easier) (and my shiny ralts i want easier)

hmm maybe i need a break from stuff but what kinda break what even is relaxing in my case? and "break from people" is a slippery slope of self isolation i always slip into. bit difficult to figure myself out

also, different thing, but ive been considering this for a good few months now and kinda ignoring it but i read one (1) thing and i m intrigued to do more n more research now but man do not like how moral ocd clicks perfectly with a lot of my most common issues . so i guess thats a thing to consider going into (like research) . if it helps .bc dear god i am Sensitive

but uhmmm yea sleeping better now ig like i went to sleep around ONE. my usual sleep time was 5-6 am a while ago !!!!!!! 1 am has always been my kinda usual time. man and i used to do that even when i had school and i *functioned* with less sleep. how did i do that. uhm. not well i guess

but yeah. things.. arent feeling right and i kinda wanna wipe my brain. also the neocities thing seems to be a part of my issue of (ppl who dont care abt me) r gonna thingk i suck bc i dont do (this that i find difficult) (coding) i will be exploded forever and shunned andhated

uhmmm what else yea last thought i forgot as i was gonna type it and the last thing i am deciding not to share anyway bc Shame so hooray

guy who is eeypy tired

i am just realizing how like tired i am but if i go nap ill make it worse so uhmm cope i guess lmfao at least it keeps me going to sleep at a more regular hour but like srsly brain we got around 8 hours of sleep why are you tired we used to get less and function fine. maybe not as good but we functioned

[moodywyrm]

there’s something about ikea!!! i hate getting my hands dirty but as soon as i see an ikea box i’m like. i need to build that asap 🧍 and that’s so real 😭 the only reason i got it done in one night was because my gf was helping

i said i wouldn’t jump to conclusions but. i’m in shambles right now!!! now i’m not completely jumping to conclusions but when she was cooking lunch her phone rang and she told me to answer it and it was a jewelry store and they said her order was ready but i didn’t hear the rest bc she took the phone from me but now i’m so ……….

that’s good!!! and doggiessss :(( lil babies :( oh no!! omg come to my city we have a billion of them and they’re all so good :(

i’ve always been a christmas girlie, not just because of presents but it’s all so pretty and twinkly and i love the music and movies and baking and it’s during winter and !!!! i know!! ugh the meanie friends :( one of them apologized for not including me in the barbie movie plans but that’s all i’ve really talked to them </3 but idrc at this point because i have a cat and a girlfriend and my best friends .

i’m glad you had a good day :o and yay!! an extra long walk!! and lord you’re speeding through your books 😭 every time i see your profile the number goes down

my day was good!! except for the phone call . i got some cleaning and reorganizing done! and i just went to the gym!! i’ve been in such a weird place lately so i’m trying to get back on my feet before our vacation :( and my gf is out with her friends tonight so i’ll be home alone for a lil while,, gonna do some much needed self care 😎

- 🩷

ikea is magical im convinced!! and no fr, you need at least four hands on deck to finish an ikea project in one night. or! maybe you're just very skilled, have you considered that 👀

I am no longer jumping to conclusions, I am calmly strolling over bc omg!! it feels pretty much definite like!! a jewelry store and a mysterious phone call!! ahh!!!

the doggies!! they're so sweet but they're stinky, I need to give them both baths rip, and we have like two I actually like? but they're kinda expensive :(

that's so fair!!! I like winter and the vibes but not distinctly christmas? idk why, the actual holiday always kinda stresses me out :( no more of the meanie friends!! good, you deserve so much better!! like your gf and your cat and your loving besties!!

yeah!! it was a nice walk except she barked at a man that was a bit too close to the sidewalk while he was in his yard, and I didn't see him until she barked 😭 scared the shit out of him😭 and ahh!! it's mostly because of audiobooks!! I finished the audiobook for Percy Jackson's Greek Gods today, and then started the audiobook for Dracula! I've been in a big reading mood, but physically reading has been kinda hard :(

a good day!! we can just hope it was a very good phone call <3 cleaning and reorganizing!! very very nice very satisfying <3 It sucks that you've been kinda out of it, but I hope all your efforts work!! sometimes it helps to pamper yourself and reset! a self care night is always good <3 im already planning my like major self care night before classes <3

[kdipshit]

Addicted ;

Am I addicted to thinking about the things I have on repeat in my head? Like is it an addiction, I guess idk how else to think, or what else to think about, it’s kind of sad. Well in better light, I’ve taken up a shit load of study, im really gonna do this writing thing. I really want to do this writing thing, I read the entire brochure of the academy I want to go to, im so happy to be intrested in something, as tedious as the learning journey can be for me, im learning how I learn the best way I can, the only way I can.

I don’t like therapy because I don’t like being told my ways of dealing with my issues are wrong, or bad, or something like that, even though I know they are, and I would be better off without them, I’m very defensive of my coping mechanisms, I take care of them, because they take care of me… in a way, I see them as taking away my primary feeling at the time, which is usually guilt, anxiety, determent, hurt, things along those lines, even just overwhelmed and feeling 100 feelings at once, my coping mechanisms are pretty good at taking away the mess and helping me to slow down, not feel it or completely ignore it. I don’t even like telling myself that they’re bad. But they are, and its not only slowing me down, but its potentially holding me back… I don’t know where I put weed on that spectrum because I know I abuse it but it helps me so much, I know I need to manage my use, I don’t want to lie. Ill try. I’m continuing to do things I don’t want to do to stay in the moment, and its hard, but I try. For me. My anti-psychs restarting to kick in and I’m getting super drowsy, I’m tired, but still hungry, might have some sugar toast lol, yes I eat sugar toast with lost of butter and idc, its all I eat lol, my sugar intake should not be legal I binge eat lollies like its popcorn, like those hard sugar lollies… I get a big bag of piñata lollies munch it like popcorn. Its a problem, i guess no lollies tomorrow either lol. I eat em when I’m BIG B WORD but once I start its like I can’t stop. No wonder I’m sick, I’m excited for this bag to be gone so I dont have to eat them anymore lmao, do you see my fat bitch mentality I have rn watch in a couple weeks ill hate food again and not eat for 5 months. Psycho. I’m gonna make some sugar toast lol. Brb

I better figure my shit out now while I’m still learning and not later on down the line when my foundation is secure, I’m sure it won’t be secure if my shit isint figured out but I have everything under control, it’s like a massive Hurd of bulls rushing towards me and I’m somehow controlling their next movements.

Certain people just take away all the pain for me, and I thank them for that, but theres heaps of other things I can do by myself that will fulfil me just as much, even more.

So I’ve come to realise I’ve got some sort of victim complex going on because why else am I still holding on so tight to things that hurt me? I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, I’ve been knowing that and like thinking about not feeling sorry for myself lmao, but to look at it fully and see I really do have a victim complex and I can’t get go of the feeling, but why should I hold on? I don’t want to guilt myself into letting go, I just want to let go, and I am, by fixing what I pushed away so many years ago, bring it to the front and figure out that fat knot in the chord, that shouldn’t even be here. Ugh, idk man. I think I’m making a lot of sense, I’m just trying to get it all out, I don’t feel sorry for myself when I look back, I see me making the right choice, every single time, whatever lead me here, to cut it off, thank you so much for bringing me here today. Im so embarrassed that it’s taken me this long, but that’s just a feeling it’ll pass, it’s not even that bad, I want to live for myself and that’s it, I’m absolutely worth it. I feel like I’ve already let it go I’m just stuck on the thoughts now lmao, I’m tripping too hard they’re just thoughts, clouds, movements, let themmmm moveeee onnnnn.

I’m totally okay with having a drink today, if the subject arises from Hayley or someone, I would love a glass of bubbles. I’m also done with going the way I have always gone, thats not the way up.

So I talked to my mum about me possibly having a drink tonight, she doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but she said if I feel like I’m in a spot where I can control how much I have, then by all means have a few drinks and enjoy yourself, but if you feel at any point it start to go down, stop. My problem is not stopping, this ripples out to me drinking as a coping mechanism and not as something fun to do with people you love, and let go. That’s what I wanna do, I wanna let go. I’m scared a beast might unleash, it’s not going to tho, because this is the good place. I’m quiet nervous tho aren’t I? I don’t want it to open up the doors for me to drink all the time. I don’t wanna do that, I just want to enjoy this one time, im aloud to. I know I am stronger and bigger than alcohol, and I can control it easily because I monitor my alcohol intake. Count my drinks? I don’t want my family to make assumptions about me if I chose the drink, I have grown and that’s not my way of thinking anymore, I guess me saying that is me judging myself, I have the full capability to live as I am, I have learnt so much and I have implemented more into my life. I’m coming at this from a different angle, i probably won’t even drink tonight who knows? But if I choose to, I choose to do it properly. Follow my mums rules and everything is fine.

I’m not going to let go of myself, I’ve got ahold of who I am and I’m not losing sight.

[spacedlexi]

i always wondered if you ever read any violentine/twg fanfiction and if you have could you tell us your favorites? Or what tropes would you like to read? Idk I just really like this ship and since there was so little content I could find so i read a lot of shit 💀 but I hold a special care for it since it was one of the first fandoms I entered and finding out Clem was bi meant a lot to me cause you don't see a lot of bi representation that isn't like "I like fucking anything that moves🤩(Yea Im looking at you Elite)”.

So yeah I'd like to hear you thought of fanfiction and stuff.

i tried once or twice but didnt get farther than the first chapter or so on the few i tried 😔 i kinda for the most part stopped reading fic after high school to be fair, so im very particular about what i Do read when it comes to fic now. and on ao3 at least since im afraid of wattpad there really hasnt been anything that held my attention (at least in the past. like i said i havent tried looking in a couple years so who knows). i need plot/character development heavy stuff that i can really sink my teeth into and i didnt really find much of that... and the "tropes" i like are more determined by which characters im applying them to so i dont always like the same ones across the board

someone asked me this question a while ago and i asked for any fic recs at the time but i only got like.. one? im really not sure what the state of twdg fic is like honestly

DESPITE all that tho im still slowly slowly SLOWLY meticulously steadily working on my own oneshot that i WILL FINISH I SWEAR its over 20 pages currently and only like 2/3? done?? and half edited BUT it IS outlined so..... i just have to.. you know..... actually Finish it....

i posted some snippets from it a while ago (HERE) but here's a couple longer ones since ive written about 10 more pages (plus like 5 in outlines) since then. im Really particular about the flow of my writing which is like.. the main reason why i take so long to write.. gotta fix it until it Feels Right

A comfortable silence seemed to settle over them then. The wind outside the shack still blew harshly, whistling against the broken windows. But as the girls sat by the warm glow of the fire, and listened to the crackling of the burning logs, it was enough to melt their tension. At least a bit.

The silence continued until the fire began to dwindle with the last of the logs. "We're going to have to start burning those..." Clementine said as she looked at the loose boards they had kicked aside earlier.

"I got it," Violet said as she stood, not even giving Clementine a chance to move. As she grabbed a board and kicked hard at its center, trying to break it in two, Clementine twisted her mouth. Not at the other girl, but at herself. She was still getting used to her new limitations, and it frustrated her knowing there were just certain things that she couldn't or struggled to do now.

The boards had been sturdy once, but due to age and exposure, they had eroded enough that Violet was able to break them with relative ease. She threw a couple of the pieces on the fire and set the rest by the hearth as she returned to where she had been at Clementine's side. She gave her a soft, reassuring smile as the fire came back to life, and Clementine gave a soft smile in return, breaking her from her thoughts, if only momentarily.

She heaved a sigh as her eyes were drawn back to the missing portion of her left leg. She thought about the trek awaiting them in the morning, and her mouth twisted again. "Ugh, walking through all of that snow is gonna fuck up my leg..."

The soft smile on Violet's face became mischievous. "Don't worry, I can just carry you instead." She said it nonchalantly, but the fluttering in her chest betrayed her.

Clementine quirked her eyebrow in response to the bold statement, smiling skeptically as she laughed "Uh, aha, yeah right."

"What, don't think I can?" Violet responded, the look on her face unbothered by the other girls reaction. "Brody was the one who carried you to the school after you crashed and I'm, like, at least as strong as Brody was."

Clementine's face dropped at the revelation. "Wait-... Brody brought us back?"

"Uh..." Violet hesitated at the change in Clementine's voice. "Yeah... Her and Marlon. She was the only one he would ever take outside the safe zone." She explained, and as an aside to herself said "Huh, guess it makes sense now..."

The playful atmosphere had now quickly disappeared, only to be replaced with a quiet, somber one. In the short time Clementine had to get to know Brody, she felt they had started to become friends. However, there weren’t many good memories made between them, and so Clementine more easily remembered the bad ones.

She could still remember that stormy night in the cellar clearly, could remember the sounds of Brody's inhuman screeching. The hot blood on her hands as she fought against the turned girl for her life. The guilt sinking in her chest like a black hole as she looked over what she had done. What she had to do. Clementine mourned her in the way she mourned everyone else she had lost. And it never got any easier.

Violet watched Clementine as she internally fought through her feelings, and once again regretted her words. She didn't want to think about Brody, either. And felt guilty over unintentionally bringing those awful memories to the surface. Clementine told them what Marlon had done that night, yet never talked about what happened after. But Violet had helped the others with the bodies, had seen what Clementine was forced to do. She remembered the sight clearly, as clearly as she remembered feeling that Marlon got what he deserved.

--

"Maybe we should try to get some sleep before it gets cold in here..." Clementine suggested tentatively.

Violet shifted, stretching her arms out in front of her, catching the last of the heat from the hearth on her fingers. "We should use the bed, then. It'll at least be better than the floor. Plus, there's a blanket."

Violet stood up then, stretching her legs as Clementine looked up at her. "Are you sure that thing isn't completely rotted?"

"It should be okay. We only brought it in here a little over a year ago."

"'We'? Why?"

"Uh-" Violet started at that, averting her eyes. "Um... Minnie and I... we kinda... used to hang out here..."

"Oh..." Clementine wasn't sure what to say to that, but it did confirm her suspicions. So instead, she relented. "Okay."

But she hesitated, looking between her leg and her prosthetic where it still sat propped against the side of the fireplace. "Hmm..." Should she put it back on? The bed wasn't far...

"Here," Violet reached her hand out, noticing the hesitation, "let me help you."

Clementine eyed the outstretched hand, considering her options, and once again twisted her mouth at her new limitations. She kind of hated this. She had done everything on her own for so long, and now...

"C'mon, it's okay."

She looked back and forth between Violet's face and outstretched hand a few times before finally relenting. "...Fine." She really didn't want to lace up her prosthetic just to immediately take it off again.

Clementine took her hand, and Violet helped pull her up to stand. They leaned close as she found her balance, gripping tightly at Violet's shoulder with her free hand. It only took a short moment, and once Clementine stabled herself, her eyes locked with Violet's. They both started a bit when they noticed how close they had become, face to face.

"Aha. Um, you good?" Violet asked, slightly flushed.

"Yeah," Clementine said, hiding her blush better than the other girl. "Thanks."