#unfortunately. i cant remember said joke.

[yume-fanfare]

devastating (found a half-drawn comic whose dialogue i never wrote so i dont know what it was anymore)

[amatres]

hm. giving more thought to layla in relation to killing others bc the answer i gave off the cuff didn't seem exactly right. and it's very. grey, i suppose?

in general she doesn't go out of her way to kill people, sticking often to giving people second chances, even if the person doesn't seem repentant. but she also isn't going to spill tears for every person she kills (sorry ember, she's not as devoted to the idea as you, though she admires your dedication to it).

however there are times even she feels it's just not possible. with some she feels no remorse, such as with hulrun who she found vile in his zealotry, but in other cases it is. not smthing she takes any pleasure in doing, and is unable to let go of her sympathy for the person as she does it (wenduag....) to the point it haunts her long after it happened.

i suppose it's interesting in the two instances i can think off as the biggest examples of that scenario, with staunton and wenduag, she still tried to afford them some dignity or peace of mind in the end, like with allowing staunton to have a proper burial or with telling wenduag she was afraid of her potential in wenduag's last moments

camellia's death was an outlier, and is more an example in the position on having to keep making the calls on who lived or died affecting her negatively to the point she goes against what she would normally do in that situation, and then it haunts her because what if's will plague her afterwards.

does any of this make sense. no. i am tired and hungry

[crystallizsch]

Okay obviously Yuusha is shipped with Jamil because baby idiots /aff

But I can’t remember… is Yuuna shipped with anyone?

Does our favorite floofy-haired silly have a ship or are they just focused on their platonic soulmates Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dum, and Tweedle Dumber (Ace, Deuce, and Grim - who is who? You decide! 🤣)?

HI HI YES yuusha and jamil, my baby idiots, i cant separate them ever 😔💖

also,,, i finally have an excuse to share this silly shitpost i had from a while ago that i didn't know when to post ---

(this is a joke) (and im pretty sure this joke has been said and done before LMAO)

okay so to actually answer your question: as of now, the main "ship" yuuna has is with tweedle dee (ace), tweedle dum (deuce), and tweedle dumber (grim) as their platonic soulmates 😤💖

when yuuna was my only yuu oc, i used to ship them with riddle (unrequited -> platonic) and leona (platonic)

and jamil (romantic) but shhhh that's some old and forbidden lore (lowkey i was insane for all that)

although i'm kinda thinking about bringing back that unrequited-crush-from-riddle plotline ---

(im going to have a short-ish ramble about it below if anyone is interested hfjdsajfklds)

i'm so mean to riddle aaagh bc i thought it’d be interesting if i had riddle have an unrequited crush on yuuna :,D

bc i like the idea of riddle being like "hey i insulted you and was Not A Good Person and Almost Killed You, but for some reason you're still willing to be kind to me and be friends with me" to yuuna

cue attempts at "courting" yuuna -- with riddle reading books, looking up stuff, asking for advice, etc.

he invites yuuna on a "date" without it being explicitly stated that it's a date; yuuna just thinks they're hanging out

come the confession and yuuna is just like "oh :D?" "i'm sorry i only see you as a friend"

but it’s okay they both get over it and they see each other as genuine friends now :]

anyways have some old art of them :3

also also i’m still debating on whether or not i want ace be another unfortunate unrequited crush

bc there's like a scenario i imagined where riddle sees ace making the same look he was making towards yuuna when he had a crush on them and then ace denying it

(this thought process is all inspired by the ghost bride event bc ACE IN THAT EVENT OMGGG)

sigh

i dont talk about ace much either but honestly i have a soft spot for him too 🥺

like the way he cares So Much (in his own being-a-little-shit way) and is just overall really genuine and protective of his friends

ahgklsjfldjsl

alright i'll end it here --

[dazai-fan-page]

for the "chuuya deserves better than dazai" post, the ppl who say that definitely arent talking about who's more fucked up, they usually just mean w/ looks, and like beauty just isnt objective like you said??? like you know that, we all know that beauty is subjective and some ppl just dont think that dazai is pretty, it's the same ppl who say he's smells like fish and probably has lice, they mean it in that way, and that can still be annoying but there's nothing you can really do there, it's not usually bad character analysis as it is ppl joking that chuuya is so much prettier than him (which again beauty is subjective so there's no point in arguing abt that)

ok i cant find the post you mean but i think i remember it? so unfortunately i cant explain why i said objective instead of subjective, but i assume it was a fuck up on my part. that aside:

People do mean who's more fucked up, not all of them sure but lots of what I've seen is people making Chuuya out to be a saint. I love the guy but he's far from it, I won't go off on a rant about that or how if either of them deserve "good boy credit" Dazai's not in the Mafia anymore. But I digress. So I'm not sure if you just haven't seen it or whatever but a large chunk of the fandom does think that Chuuya is too morally good for Dazai and he'd be dragging him down. Which isn't true but that's not the point.

[onthejadedjournal]

this is very personal to me so im not really sure how to go about this ...

so i definitely identify myself as a c.isgender, het.erosexual woman. i like men. final. i have liked boys in the past and I don't have any bad experiences with past crushes because i never actually had balls to date before lol but it's been years since i actually liked someone so deeply (and then i got ate-zoned but that's okay lol)

but in irl circumstances recently - my best friend and mother kind of brought this up? trying to suggest the idea that i would have a boyfriend or something like that

for my friend, it's like "ooh, you like him don't you? imagine holding his hand, (x, y and z)

and for my mother, it's like "when you get a boyfriend, (x y and z)." (she's been at this for ages because im getting older and she sees this as the phase where i will get a boyfriend)

and how i respond to these?

i always respond so bitterly. I don't know why - I don't physically show it, but in my head it's like - ew, no lol

which is so strange - why did i respond like that? i thought i was interested in being a relationship in the near future? ... am i ACTUALLY not looking for romantic connection?

which, countless of times - made me almost conclude that i, might be on the ar.oace-spectrum ...?

but I don't say it yet, because i somewhat believe in the saying that you can't give your fullest opinion on something without experiencing it - in other words i feel that i cant say im ar.oace without experiencing what was it like to be engaged in a relationship. i genuinely do want to know and feel what its like being in a relationship - and well, i am craving for the affection in all seriousness - laugh all you want, i do want to feel that special feeling of love.

which is led me to guess i could be cu.pio? but i do experience attraction. its just very dormant unfortunately lol

due to the recent talks i had with my best friend and mother - i cant help but feel maybe a little repulsed to feel romantic in my s.elfshipping sphere. maybe i am kind of combatting against what my friend and mother assumes of me by going to my familials from time to time. no i am not romantically interested in someone right now and i can prove to you im not looking for romance irl right now

i remember there was one exchange my best friend had with me, he knows that i'm very loving of steven and red (but more on steven, because he calls out on it jokingly) but i remember that one time he said "it won't be steven for longer" in a joking manner. perhaps im a little affected by that? steven has helped me feel mentally okay in countless of times so it feels like youre tearing away this from me and i felt like i can depend on him more than i can with an actual person so i was a little sour that day. friend doesnt know how much steven made me okay

i remember when my mother criticized me of being so unfeminine and saying how this would severely affect how my potential boyfriend would look at me. i kept screaming in my mind "i'm ar.oace" but am i actually? i domt think so - but in the spur of the moment i so wanted to say that just to make her stop assuming im keen to look for a partner

it's weird. truly weird. i want to prove to them that i can stand on my own without an actual romantic connection but at the same time, i do? want someone? i just don't like it when they think i am desperate to look for someone because it gets so annoying

[sapphic-lottienat]

happy tara maclay day !!!!!

hii so i just suddenly remembered that today is october 16th aka tara maclay's birthday!! so happy birthday to my favourite fictional character ever, here's a little very rushed and very unofficial essay for you <3

so i already knew about her and her unfortunate fate since way back in season 3; i looked at a website about willow's best fashion looks, and her second from the top (before vampire willow ofc) was her and tara's look in once more with feeling. it said in the description, "lets just ignore what happened in seeing red" and ofc my curiosity took me to the buffy wikipedia synopsis, telling me all about her death. so that wasnt the best start.

but i fell in love with her just like willow did. i squealed during new moon rising when she confessed and blew the candle out. i melted during family when they danced together (on her birthday just like today!!). i cried at their first fight in tough love. i sobbed at the end of tabula rasa when tara left. i was so so hopeful at the end of entropy (i even wrote a fanfic on it that yall should defs check out). and i sobbed for hours. hours. after seeing red.

i loved her little friendship with dawn, with anya, with buffy, with everyone.

the way her character has changed me and made me realise things about myself is something that no other character has done.

her and willow made me realise that i was in fact NOT bi and actually lesbian. her sweet demeanour made me into a kinder person, although a bit more of a pushover. i loved her so much that i began to almost love myself. because i realised that there were parts of me that i had in common with tara. and i began to love them.

i became so so so in love with her. i watched every amber benson interview. i bought every piece of buffy merch because she made me love buffy. i bought the buffy tarot deck because i thought maybe she would be proud of me if i tried witchcraft.

she became a part of me. profile pictures, tumblr urls. i cant even explain how much i love her.

and then with the new audiobook im falling back in love with evil tara… her little evil laugh and her low voice is so aaahhhhhh. and her and drusilla make the cutest power couple.

she deserved more than to be shot dead by warren mears. she deserved the world. she deserved better than how willow treated her in early season 6. she deserved everything sweet and kind and beautiful in the world.

basically in conclusion she is a perfect angel who can do no wrong and if you say one bad thing about her i will come for you grr

no but all jokes aside, she means so much to me. truly. i havent finished the audiobook yet but i hope tara and willow are living in a mystical house in the woods into their old age with lots of cats.

i love her.

<3

[rontra]

back scrolling a bit and actually I’m STILL thinking about John Constantine and Wonder Woman working together. They sure have literally nothing to do with each other at all, like, truly so few shared traits and interests except for “magician woman hot :(“

MUTUALS-IN-LAW VIA THAT FUCKING MAGICIAN WOMAN (SHE'S UNFORTUNATELY HOT)

i think about that little comic so much. wonder woman jumpscare. he was like Am I In Trouble?. i KNOW he's leaving that collab feeling like he just talked himself out of being arrested somehow

DC keeps trying to slide him in at like league-adjacent places. but in the CTDE he's not involved with any of those circles at all (disregarding zee iguess but she loves being an Anomaly<3), so this collab he has with diana really is a total one-off thing with NO prior basis and it's SO funny... they have NOTHING in common in the CTDE. no shared interests except magician lady (but to be fair that's a good shared interest to have she's very funny)

even zatanna in the trenches of her retirement era was like OK YOU GOT ME. I DID NOT PLAN FOR THAT. EGG ON MY FACE I GUESS. WHATEVER

no yea like they actually HAVE hung out in dc comics but i resist it. whenever they try to put john in alongside the major league players i'm like respectfully this is wrong. the guy should not be here. that man should be in--in the labyrinth of bad choices, getting his ass beaten to smithereens by the Consequences of His Own Actions, and constructing some elaborate rube goldberg Scheme to con his way out of dealing with any of that. and then immediately he's getting creamed by the unfathomably terrible consequences of said Scheme. he's not supposed to be hanging out with any league he's supposed to hang out with his own Demons. that man should be in a ditch somewhere crying and trembling. it isn't right

HOWEVER... i will permit that one panel from JLD2018 where he offers diana a cigarette. because people asking wonder woman if she wants to smoke is endlessly entertaining to me. i'll allow that. i remembered that panel AFTER making my own "you cant be asking wonder woman to smoke cigarettes" joke and i felt really plugged in when i remembered john also did that

so like

john 🤝 diana - invested in that goofy magician girl

zee 🤝 john - trying to peer pressure wonder woman into smoking cigarettes

diana 🤝 zee - no...i shan't say

[sohcah-toa]

part 2 of the childe no explanation cuz i really need my broken heart be fixed 😪

No Explanation pt. 2

💌 pt 1 here (i recommend reading pt 1 for more context)

⚠️ angst, fluff, gn reader, rollercoaster of emotions

💬 i agree with u, i cant handle the sadness :c i actually like how this whole story turned out!!! i love it so much <3

synopsis — it's been almost a year since that happened, no traces of the Fatui everywhere until someone came to visit

word count — 4.6k

masterlist 🐋

A lot of time has passed. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and now — it's a day before new year. It's going to be almost a year since Childe left you with no explanation.

Even though he didn't explain, you got the grasp of it because of Viktor, through a letter, but he only sent you one. Childe didn't even send you letters, not even a messenger person to tell you anything. The whole Fatui have been called, there are no signs of Fatui everywhere, they have been ordered to stay at Snezhnaya until The Tsaritsa said so. Nobody can leave. That's why you gave up waiting.

You were depressed at first, then you got mad. You're still bitter and angry even after all this time, you just can't forget about him, everywhere you go there are traces of him. Every little thing makes you remember him. But even though you were mad, you can't help but cry at night, asking yourself if he was fine, if he's eating complete meals, if he's gotten thinner, if he was taking care of himself.

You sighed while walking to work, selling food in the middle of the city "Oh, Zhongli, hey"

"Can I have another one of your specialties?" He asked then continued "And how are you?"

You start preparing his meal while talking "Doing pretty fine today! How about you?" you smile even though not looking at him, focusing on preparing.

"It's a fine day. I cannot help but feel like there's something surprising going to happen today" He said "I think you should be prepared"

You looked at him and laugh, finally putting his meal in a small plastic bag "You never fail to make me laugh you old man"

"I have no idea why you are laughing. I was not kidding" He said, you stretch your arms and give him the meal "Thank you, see you tomorrow in the new year party"

What he said made you speechless, you watched him leave while pondering on his words. Then you realized "You— Zhongli!!" you yelled "You didn't pay again!"

You sigh and roll your eyes "I swear to archons, he just keeps talking about something weird so he won't pay. I'll tell Hu Tao about this"

Once again, it was silent. You and your thoughts. While observing the busy street, you saw an orange hair. Your eyes widen, you immediately go over to that man, running as fast as you could.

"Childe!" You yell out loud with a huge smile on your face, not caring if anybody could hear "Childe!" you called again but he won't look. You grab the man "Oh" you frowned "I'm sorry, I thought you were somebody else"

You felt so embarrassed, you start walking away, walking back to your stall "What was I thinking? He's not the only person with orange hair" you clench your teeth "And if ever he was here, why would he come to me? He broke up with me" you just keep ranting to yourself, unaware of your surroundings.

"Y/n?" a very familiar voice called to you.

You turn to the voice with a smile "Beidou! Long time no sea! Get it? Sea"

She ruffled your hair "You better start working on your jokes" she chuckled

"What are you doing here? Aren't you on a long expedition?" You asked, preparing a meal for her and her crew.

Beidou nodded "Yes but it was cut short. Someone needed an urgent favor"

"Who?" You asked

"Someone from Snezhnaya" She said "I thought you'd like to know about it. Not hearing anything from Snezhnaya and all"

You suddenly stopped "Snezhnaya? Is it—?"

"Unfortunately, no. But I figured you might want and go talk to him" She said "It's not gonna hurt to try, right?"

You gulped "I-I don't know..." then you continue preparing the meal "Who was it?"

"An old man— a harbinger" Beidou continued "The fifth one"

Your eyes widen "Pulcinella"

"You know him?" Beidou asks, getting the meal you were giving to her at the moment "Well alright, go talk to him then"

"Childe speaks about him often" You say, helping her with the meals, it was too much "W-Where is he?"

"In the ship, I told them to wait for me. I thought of you first. Help me carry these back to the ship and talk to him. I have to go talk to Ningguang and Keqing about this" She said, you nod and take half of the meals.

You both walk towards the ship. You gulp, feeling very nervous, you feel weak like every bone in your body's about to break. You only know him through Childe's stories, what if he turns out to be different with strangers?

Thinking about it is making you more tense. Beidou noticed and said "Hey, you alright?"

You nod, your body was stiff "Yeah"

"No you're not" She laughed "He's a pretty nice man"

You inhale then exhale "Still .. it's been almost a year"

"I'm sorry I can't be there with ya when you talk to him" She said "Oh look, we're here"

You suddenly freeze, not able to move "What am I doing?" your grip on the plastic bags were tight "Why am I still the only one putting more effort for him?"

"Y/n" Beidou muttered, calling one of her crew to get the meals. You and Beidou gave it to them while the both of you stay outside of the ship.

"I haven't heard from him, not anything from him this whole time! Why — am I still trying?" You hold your head in frustration "Why am I the only one?!"

Beidou starts rubbing your back "I-I'm sorry, I never should've—"

"He leaves with no explanation, he forgets all about me and yet ... I'm here ... still trying to find a way" Your tears begin falling "Why am I like this Beidou?" you look at her, crying your eyes out "Why do I still love him? Why do I keep finding him in little things?"

Beidou hugs you and rubs your back, she sighs and begins talking "That's love right? No matter how long, how much it hurts, even if there's just a small glimmer of hope, the heart will never stop"

You just continue crying on her shoulders, sobbing uncontrollably "It's very hard Beidou" you sniff and wipe your tears but it just keeps falling "I love him ... so much. More than he knows and I regret not making him feel it"

"Y/n" a voice called out to you from the ship. You and Beidou break the hug, you hurriedly wipe your tears but it still keeps falling. You force a smile at the old man.

"H-Hi mister? May I ask who you are?" You keep wiping your tears, your voice breaking "I'm sorry" you sniffed, looking down, feeling embarrassed.

"You may call me Pulcinella" he said, walking closer to both Beidou and you "I'm deeply sorry to have bothered the both of you but I cannot stay long here, I have to do my business and leave immediately"

Beidou was surprised "I thought you were going to stay longer? I was about to talk to Ningguang and Keqing so I—"

"This was only a very urgent matter. I understand that you have to continue your expedition. I'm grateful for your kindness but you don't have to bother" his voice was very gentle. You finally stopped crying, but your eyes were so puffy. Pulcinella continued "Now, where was I? Right, y/n, may I speak to you privately?"

"Alright, while the both of you talk I'm going to go talk to my girlfriend" Beidou said "I'll be right back" then she left immediately.

You keep wiping your face, still pretty embarrassed. Pulcinella leads you to a small office in the ship "I apologize for the trouble"

"N-Not at all. How have you been? I've heard a lot about you" You tell him with a small smile, you still can't quite smile naturally.

He smiled too "Not so well actually. Snezhnaya is a complete mess. And Childe, oh that boy, always giving me headaches"

This has been the first time in a year that you have received news about Childe, you can't help but feel the ache in your chest but also feel hopeful. You restrain yourself "O-Oh? Is that so?"

Pulcinella laughed "He's always been stubborn. I have been sworn to secrecy so I apologize if I cannot provide you more details"

And again, your hope shattered "T-That's alright. You didn't have to. W-We don't have any connections anymore so it was a surprise that you came here and talked to me" you figured that maybe the harbingers are forbidden to talk about other harbingers outside of Snezhnaya, by orders of Tsaritsa of course, so you understand.

"Well, that wasn't entirely the reason why I came here but I figured I might as well meet you" he said "It's a pleasure meeting you and it was nice seeing you doing quite well, I must get going, I have other business to tend to. I apologize for cutting the chat short" he stands up and waits for you.

Everything happened so fast. That was it? You stand up too and follow him out "It was nice meeting you too Pulcinella. Safe travels and send my regards to — Childe and his family" you bow slightly before leaving the ship.

While walking away he called out to you and said "Patience, my dear. Everything will turn out great" and waved bye. He was a sweet old man, you wave bye to him too before going back to your stall.

"Pulcinella? Why are you leaving?" Beidou asked him "I thought your business was to talk to them?" pointing at you while you were walking away

Pulcinella scoffed "Don't be silly. I have to process papers. I have been sworn to secrecy so I cannot say anymore. Bring me to Ningguang at once"

"I've just been there!" Beidou raised her voice a little "Alright, what's the deal Pulcinella? Are there going to be Fatui hanging out in the streets again?"

"No no no, I have been sworn to secrecy, I cannot say" He answered, walking away "Come along now, I don't know the way, show me the way"

Beidou sighed "He's a stubborn old man, making my head ache" catching up to the man.

"I heard that" Pulcinella said

—

"He wanted to tell me that Childe was stubborn?" You aske yourself, walking back "It doesn't make sense. I wished I never talked to him. It just makes me— hopeful"

"Y/n!! Where have you been?" Xiangling asked, waving at you. You ran over to them, Chongyun, Xingqiu and Guoba was also there.

"We wanted your specialty" Chongyun said, eating his popsicle as usual.

You hurriedly prepare their meals "I'm sorry, I was talking with someone"

"Did you just cry?" Xingqiu asked, Chongyun nudged him, hinting not to say anything.

You were caught off guard "Oh, no no, I just got something in my eye earlier"

—

Meanwhile.

"Sir. If you do not tell me what these papers are for, I cannot help you" Ningguang said, sighing "This is the tenth time I've had to tell you this"

"I have been sworn to secrecy. Process the papers and we will be done" Pulcinella said, holding his ground

"I told you he's stubborn" Beidou laughed, seeing how frustrated Ningguang was

Nigguang sighed again "Sir. Based on these papers, you're going to live here? There are papers for valid ID's, contracts and — are you moving in here?"

Pulcinella's eyes widen "I-I have been sworn to secre— oh alright. I will tell you but do not say anything to other people" he finally gave up with a huge sigh.

"Like I said earlier, this whole affair is confidential" Ningguang said

Turns out, Pulcinella is just like Childe. Stubborn.

—

Next day. New year's eve. The Crux left yesterday, they didn't stay long at all. You were right not to expect so much.

"Oh, who am I kidding?" You plopped on your couch "I got my hopes up!! It was the first time in a year!" you sighed, laying down "Atleast he's doing fine"

You sighed, staring at the ceiling "Just when I was about to feel fine, you crawl right back in little ways into my life making it harder for me to move on" you stand up and pack your ingredients.

There's going to be a big gathering in the middle of the town. You can cook there, everybody can. It's going to be huge.

You start forcing yourself to forget again, leaving the house.

"Y/n! You're finally here" Keqing waved hi to you, you did the same "Oh— sorry I gotta go, fireworks!" she then ran.

"Keqing's always so busy" You smile at her. You saw someone familiar and run up to them "Hu Tao! Zhongli didn't pay again yesterday"

Hu Tao sighed "Oh Mr. Zhongli, he always does this. I'm sorry, I'll pay you back later"

You nod "No worries"

There were a lot of people there talking to you. It actually helped you forget about yesterday's events. The whole gathering went smoothly, you ate and drank a lot. A few minutes later and it was new year.

Everybody was busy preparing the fireworks, some went with their families. You, climb on top of a cliff for a better view. You were alone, the wind felt comforting.

You take a deep breath "Liyue, you're so beautiful at night" you can see all of the lights, the people celebrating, having fun. It felt bittersweet.

You then heard the people counting down, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3 —

"2" You chant with them but with a silent voice "1"

"Happy new year"

The fireworks all went off.

You turn to look back, your eyes widen, your whole body freezes. The man in front of you was panting, catching his breath.

"I've been loo-king fo-r you every-where" He was still panting. Not able to talk straight "I finally found you"

The sound and colors of the fireworks surrounded the both of you as you stand in front of each other.

You stand up, everything felt unreal, you stare at the man in front of you. You walk closer and touch his face "I-It's — really you"

He held your hand that was touching his face, he squeezed it a little then gave it a light kiss "It's me"

"Childe" your voice cracked, you were slightly shaking "You're here"

You let go of his face to mask your emotions, your tears begin falling, you cover your mouth, still surprised by him. You were speechless, your whole body unable to move.

Childe's smile turned into a frown, he immediately held you in his arms, embracing you tightly "I-I'm so sorry" he pulled back and wipes your face "I made you cry"

You begin sobbing. Hugging him again, crying while wrapped in his arms. Everything felt so surreal. You still couldn't believe it but if ever this was real, you'd like to savour the moment.

He rubs your back, letting you cry on his chest. His tears started falling too but he didn't want to make it obvious. He wiped his own tears and sniffed, his eyes and nose getting redder by the second.

"Why did you leave me?" You words muffled because of his clothes, you were still sobbing loudly "Why did you leave me?"

Childe's tears were now uncontrollable, the more he hears you and realizes that you're in his arms, he can't help but sob a little "I'm sorry" was all he could say, his voice cracked, not being able to speak because he's crying.

The both of you held each other for a long time, crying your hearts out before finally letting go of each other to talk.

You sat down again, sniffing, fixing yourself. Childe did the same, taking deep breaths every second to calm himself down. He sat in front of you, holding your hand.

You're still staring at him, not able to say anything.

"H-Hey" Childe said with a small smile. His eyes and nose were so red because of crying, it looked cute.

You answer back "Hey" holding his hand back, squeezing it, making sure for the hundredth time that he was really in front of you. There were still fireworks going off.

"I'm — sorry" Childe said "It was so urgent, I knew I wasn't going to come back. I thought if I didn't break up with you, you wouldn't go out there and find happiness you deserve"

"You broke up with me but I still waited" You answer back "I waited Childe. I didn't go out there to find the happiness you think I deserved"

Childe clenched his teeth "I know..." averting his gaze "I made the wrong choice. I hope you forgive me"

You sighed "Childe. I — still love you but you're making it harder for me. After this, what? You're gonna go back to Snezhnaya, leaving me again? Leaving me with all the broken pieces"

Childe was silent for a second so you continue speaking "Childe..." you sighed in disappointment "You're just— going to leave again?"

"I'am never leaving you again" He said "I'm going to be by your side. I left Snezhnaya behind"

You gasped a little, that clearly wasn't what you were expecting "You— how about your family?"

"We're all moving here"

You stand up in shock "You what?!"

Childe stood up too, hugging you "The papers have been settled. Pulcinella fixed everything for me"

Your eyes widen "So that's why— yesterday he— Pulcinella has been sworn to secrecy, that wasn't The Tsarista? It was you?"

Childe pulled back from the hug "What are you ... you spoke to him?"

You nod

"He did?! What did he say?!"

You suddenly laugh, still feeling weak from all the crying "He said you were very stubborn"

Childe smiled and laughed a little too "I did beg him a million times" he rubbed the back of his head "I never stopped thinking of you. On how to get back to you y/n"

"What happened?" You asked with a worried look "What about the Fatui?"

He then begins telling his story.

"Signora!!" Childe ran from the port to their headquarters "You have to let me go back"

Signora was surprised "Preposterous. You think I have the power to let you go back in Liyue?"

"Yeah, what a dumbass" Scaramouche laughed. There were only the two of them in the room.

"Besides, you can't. That was the command" Signora added

Childe stormed off and ran and ran and ran ubtil he found Pulcinella.

"You have to help me" Childe said, even though it was snowing and very cold, due to all the running he's been doing, he was sweating.

Pulcinella turned to him "Come in and close the door. Calm down and sit"

Childe took deep breaths "Help me go back to Liyue, I've made a mistake!"

"I said Calm down boy" Pulcinella said, bringing him tea, he then sat in front of Childe "Drink the tea to calm yourself down"

Childe did what he was told to and then burnt his tongue "Ow ow ow!"

"Good grief. You're clearly excited about something" Pulcinella sighed "What is it?"

"Help me go back to Liyue"

Pulcinella stared at the man "That is an impossible wish"

"But you're— Pulcinella"

"I'am not The Tsaritsa. I cannot disobey commands let alone help someone disobey it" Pulcinella said, drinking his tea.

—

Childe was home, looking at the picture frame beside his bed, a picture of you. The whale origami sitting there. He never leaves without it.

"Are you doing well?" Childe asked staring at the photo "Do you still smile like this?" as if talking to you. He smiled a little "Are you eating properly?"

Then someone knocked on his door.

"Big brother! We're going to play outside, do you want to play?" It was Teucer, he went to open the door and he was greeted with a big hug, Teucer then said "Big brother, you never come out to play anymore, we always have to get you in your room!"

Suddenly, Tonia and Anthon also goes inside his room.

"H-Hey guys, let's play outside now, alright?" Childe laughed nervously

Tonia grabbed the picture frame "It's that person we saved from freezing!"

Anthon and Teucer went up to her "Oh! Yeah! That is the person"

Childe went up to them "A very special person"

—

Although always failing. Childe went to Pulcinella's every single day, begging him to do something about it, to help him. He begged for months. But even in those months, he would still find something else to do about it, constantly looking for ways to leave.

"Boy, you never give up, do you?" Pulcinella sighed "Ponder about this. Only Fatui are not allowed to leave the country. Although, if it were me, I won't take that path"

Childe left his place in dismay "Does that mean— I have to quit?"

—

Childe was in his room again, where he spends most of his days staring and talking to your picture "What would you do in this situation y/n?" then he laughed "You did come here on a whim which was still crazy" he smiled, feeling pins and needles on his chest.

Then someone knocked "Someone is here to see you" it was Tonia who told him that. Childe lazily went out of his room.

"Viktor" Childe was surprised "What are you doing here?"

Viktor immediately went inside the house and locked the doors. Childe told the kids to go inside their rooms because it's probably a Fatui matter.

"I can't help it anymore" Viktor said "The guilt is killing me"

"What did you do?" Childe asked with a sigh, he did not have time for this.

"I was the one who smuggled y/n so they could come here"

Childe's eyes widen. He had time for this "What?! I mean— what were you thinking? That was so dangerous, they could've been put in jail"

"That's what I was worried about these past few months. I don't know if they got back to Liyue or in jail. I know you would kill me if they were in jail. I was worried"

Childe sighed "I want to send them a letter but I'll put your name in it. I want to explain everything"

"Why?" Viktor asked

"They're stricter with harbingers" Childe said "I've written a letter for them every single day since I was here, I couldn't send it"

Viktor looked at Childe, he never knew Childe was down bad for you "Jesus... alright send a letter using my name"

—

For months, Childe prepared the proper files, went through a thousand procedures, went through hundreds of places. Not able to eat and rest properly, he took care of every matter needed to go back to you as soon as he can.

One last thing needed was for the papers in Liyue to be fixed before he leaves. Childe couldn't leave because he was waiting for other contracts to be fixed in Snezhnaya plus the law, so he begged Pulcinella again and again to go for him. Pulcinella had the power to still go out of the country despite being a harbinger as long as he comes back after a day.

"I'm almost there" Childe was speaking to the picture frame again, packing his stuff. He made his whole family pack, surprisingly, they were excited to move somewhere else.

And now back to the present.

"Childe..." You muttered "You quit the Fatui? Are there consequences? What about your family? What about—"

Childe held your hand "Y/n" then you stopped suddenly "I'll tell you everything, alright?"

You nod, your heart beating in your face "O-Okay"

"There are consequences to leaving" He said "I can never return to Snezhnaya and if I leak any sensitive information they will — do something about it"

You gasped a little "Childe!"

"But I regret nothing!!!" He yelled out in the open "I regret nothing, got that? I would rather be here than anywhere else in the world!!"

You smile "How about your family?"

His heart was pounding at the moment but he tries his best to keep his cool "They'll arrive tomorrow, I just left as soon as I can to see you"

He sighed "I'm sorry I couldn't bring you to Snezhnaya myself" he frowned "Anywhere with you is home y/n. I'm prepared to leave everything just for you"

"Ajax. Anywhere is home with you too. I'm glad you're here with me" You know it was selfish of you to even think that, Childe left everything just for you "I love you. More than you could ever know"

He touched your face using both his hands, wiping a tear on your face. He pulled your face closer to his, your noses touching "I love you so much y/n. You make me crazy. I missed you so much"

You close your eyes and laugh a little "I missed you too"

You finally felt his lips above yours, after a whole year, you're finally with each other again. The kiss was passionate and you never wanted it to end.

—

You were walking hand in hand in the streets of Liyue. It was almost 2am so there were no other people walking out and about.

He kissed your cheek so suddenly "Sorry, I couldn't help it"

You giggle "Then" you kissed his cheek too "Revenge" then you were in front of your house but before you entered, he stopped you.

"Oh right, I have to give you something" he then put his hand in his pocket and got something out, it was a whale origami, just like what you made for him but in a different color. Then he also got out his whale origami that you made. He reCh his hand out to you, giving you the origami with a different color "Here, this is your lucky charm"

"You made this?" You asked and he nodded "Childe, you got my gift to you. You still have it"

He smiled sheepishly "Well, it's the kids and I'm glad they did. It's what kept me going" you hugged him again, kissing his face over and over again making him laugh.

"You're so adorable" He said, you then open the door, both of you going inside.

You enter your room while he followed, he was blushing so hard "Childe? I know just where to put this little thing" you put it beside a picture fram with his face on it.

He grabbed the frame and smiled "You have my picture?"

You nod "I just couldn't take it away. That's what kept me going but .. in secret" then Childe put his origami beside yours "Cute"

"We're so alike" Childe laughed to himself, looking at the frame and origamis.

You raise an eyebrow "What do you mean?"

His face turned red again and he smiled nervously "N-Nothing"

He then began speaking again "If you tell me ten years ago that I would quit the Fatui now, I would have never believed it" he laughed out loud

You laugh too "And if you tell me ten years ago that I would love like this, that I would love a Fatui Harbinger so much that it makes me go insane, I would have never believed it too"

Suddenly, everything felt lighter and brighter. All the heavy feeling was gone, there were no troubles in your mind. With Childe by your side, you feel like nothing bad is ever going to happen and if something bad ever did happen, you will be with Childe.

Morning arrived, you laid side by side with Childe embracing each other in bed. Afraid that the other's going to be gone when morning arrived.

Rays of sunshine flowed inside the room, shining on the two whale origamis that was side by side. It's a new year and everything is going to be different.

end

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

Hello, random question: have you seen the 2019 movie "Batman vs Teenage mutant ninja turtles"?

If you have, any thoughts?

If not, I feel like you would enjoy it based on things you've said on your blog before. I, personally, really like it and think it's a great iteration of the tmnt, good character interactions/dynamics, nice animation, and funny jokes.

(And if you end up not liking it, forgive me)

Unfortunately I cant offer places to watch it, as the only place I could find it was on dvd (which I am very happy to own) as park of a 5 tmnt movie pack.

Anyways have a wonderful day!

I'm pretty sure I saw it when it came out in 2019 (bless libraries) if I remember it correctly I enjoyed it but it has been a while and I don't remeber most of it HFJFJJG definitely a good one!! I should rewatch it sometime so I can actually give solid thoughts on it

[my-mt-heart]

Hi MT,

Im french and i needed to vent about something. I watched the finale when it aired in english. I cried and screamed with joy when he said i love you.

But i rewatched in yesterday, and for the first time, in french. I could not wait to hear "je t aime", also because i love the french voice actor who is quite famous here in the "dubbing" world. But i disgress.

So i watched it in french, with my popcorn, ready to hear "je t aime" . Guess what?

They translated it in... "i care about you, you know" and she answered the same.

I am fucking mad.

What were they afraid of?? That we dont consider it platonic enough?? Im curious to know how it went in other languages, if anyone can help....

I mean if in the original language they were not afraid to use i love you, platonicwise or not, why would they change it in french?? Its bad enough that all the other carylers hates us now because of te spin off 🤣 (joking... hopefully)

That said, Caryl is not the only one who suffered from it.

Rosita's "i'm glad it was you in the end" became "im proud of what you became" which litteraly doesnt mean... the same at all

The guy in the helicopter said to Rick something like "its like HE told you", dont remember the exact words but it definitely was a HE, and it became "I told you". In one case, you hear abt a mysterious character that viewers will probably meet in the spin off, in the other case it means nothing special. Please correct me if im wrong now i have doubts. It was a HE right?? In english

Anyway, i can tell u that it definitely wasnt i love you in french and im pissed beyond mesure.

Im sorry that i cant bring anything positive, i just needed to talk abt it with someone. My friends watch twd but they dont care abt shipping ...🤷‍♀️ lol

Also, now i know that even when i love the french actors that beautifully dubbs my favorite characters's voice, its still better to watch it in the original language... so much is lost in translation, or worse

Some languages translated “I love you” in a romantic context, others didn’t. It’s a really tedious task going through scripts and making notes to avoid miscommunication, and some things unfortunately get overlooked. I don’t think that’s the case here though. The real issue has nothing to do with the dubbing at all, it was the insistence on keeping Caryl’s relationship ambiguous. We can talk about body language and micro expressions all day, but the bottom line is Caryl fans shouldn’t have been expected to connect the dots for themselves after waiting years for the payoff. It was an obvious marketing ploy, a way to put a band-aid on the spinoff fiasco while making it safe enough to reinvent Daryl in the spinoff 🤦‍♀️

The thing is, Caryl fans still cherish that milestone in their relationship. Daryl spoke with conviction. It was a promise, not a goodbye as some have put it, so how the hell are we supposed to buy that he’s feeling uncertain again in the spinoff? How is that “tension” going to make us feel anything other than irritated? Carol is riding Daryl’s bike, crossing a damn ocean, and probably retracing his steps to find him. What’s Daryl doing to get back to her, specifically her, not just “people.” Not just “them.” 🤨 I don’t want to waste my time looking for subtle clues here and there. If the payoff starts with Carol, that’s whose story I want to follow to get there.

Sorry, I had some venting to do myself. I have no clue about the helicopter scene lol

[vxnillite]

fluffy ZNoah drabble

Summary: it's just them training with gay tension and pining i cant come up with titles to save my life, sorry

Word count: 2212

[Edit: ok so i forgot to post this on ig, but then thought to edit it while i was here. nothing much changed, it even got 4 words shorter lol]

"I'm clocking out early today."

Kroi looked up from his work with genuine surprise. "But you're usually the last one out," he said.

Noah talked as they packed a small backpack with their water bottle and a change of clothes. They shrugged. "Z's giving me self-defense training or whatever."

"You agreed?"

"Shocked myself, too, actually." Noah slung a single strap over their left shoulder. "But she did have a point. She doesn't always come along for the school visits, and while the Na'vi are really skilled fighters, I guess it wouldn't be a bad thing if I were able to defend myself."

Grace emerged from the adjoined room. She looked oodly smug as she asked, "Is that the only reason?"

Noah raised a brow. "Should there be another?"

Kroi and Grace exchanged looks but said nothing. The latter smiled and patted Noah on the shoulder.

"Well, you've done enough at the lab today," she said, "Great work, as always."

The young scientist couldn't help but blush a bit, a bubble of pride swelling in their chest. They smiled. "Thanks, Grace."

"Alright, go get your strictly necessary training."

Kroi beamed, "See you at dinner, Noah!"

A slightly perplexed Noah waved goodbye as they left through the vacuum doors of the lab. They haven't told a soul, but they'd begun to notice the weird pattern of reaction whenever they mentioned the soldier to their friends, but Noah had never thought much of it, except that it was probably just a bunch of friendly yet fruitless teasing.

When the doors hissed to a close, then the other two scientists burst into lighthearted laughter.

"How are they so clueless," Kroi mused, "Z-Dog could outright tell Noah and they still wouldn't believe her."

"I made a bet with Dr. Patel that Noah might notice in two weeks."

The doctor mentioned chimed in from the other room, "You might as well hand me the money now, Dr. Augustine. That kid's never gonna notice that soldier girl's got a crush on them."

----------

Noah's phone buzzed incessantly while they were on their way to the SecOps wing, much to their annoyance. They already knew who was blowing their phone up and thought it better to just walk the entire way in relative peace. A few paces later, their phone still wouldn't shut up, so Noah yanked their phone out of their pocket and read the messages.

'u out yet?'

'where r u'

'hurry up im bored'

'stop ignoring my texts'

'damn u slow'

"Puta, ingay," Noah muttered to themselves as they punched in a response.

'omw :P'

'walk faster'

'no'

'oh i forgot'

'short legs ;)'

With a sharp click of the tongue, Noah quickly shoved their phone back in their pocket. The thought of just turning right back around and heading to their sleeping quarters instead seemed rather enticing now. As of late, Z had become bolder with teasing Noah around like that, and it's been driving them insane. The dumb jokes and that stupid laugh she made whenever she got a reaction out of Noah… All of it would be stuck in their head for hours, and Noah didn't know how to deal with it.

They started walking faster as they recognized the corridor leading to the SecOps training rooms. The volume of soldiers passing by was growing by the meter. Noah could feel the confused looks that some were throwing at them, while others, thankfully, seemed like they didn't give a crap about the scientist.

Noah looked closely at the room labels placed above the doors, trying to recall the room number Z had told them to go to—without much success.

Just how many training rooms do a bunch of these grease monkey musclebrains need?

Unfortunately, after racking their brain a bit more in vain, Noah had no choice but to ask Z. They were impatient enough as is, and they genuinely couldn't remember that tiny bit of information to save their life. They groaned as they pulled their phone back out of their pocket.

'room?'

'u forgot? :('

'nvm im going back'

Somewhere beside Noah, a bubblegum popped. "And, here I thought you were excited for training."

Noah jumped back a bit at Z just suddenly materializing in front of them. How did they not notice her?

Quickly composing themselves, Noah cleared their throat and said, "Stop playing games already. You were the one telling me to hurry up, weren't you?"

Z chuckled as she ruffled the scientist's hair. "Just wanted to see you sooner," she said, "Is that so wrong?"

Noah frantically pushed the hand off their head and looked around at the crowd in a panic. "Ugh, can you even hear yourself," they chided in hushed tones, "Just—! Let's just get to training already!"

They stormed off, and Z, knowing better, chased after Noah and pulled them along to the training room they'd be using, which was in the opposite direction that Noah was marching off to. Upon arrival, Noah checked first if it was empty. It was one of their conditions for this series of self-defense training with Z. The latter agreed, actually finding it ideal for her, too.

Satisfied that there was nary a human being in the room aside from them, Noah put their backpack down on a bench and plopped down beside it.

They looked up at Z expectantly. "So, what are we gonna do first," they asked.

Z stood across them, arms crossed under her chest. "First, have you ever had any sort of physical training before?"

Noah recounted their experiences on their fingers. "Failed high school phys-ed, used medical notes throughout college… Oh, and Kevin tried teaching me, but I guess I was a terrible student because I didn't learn shit."

"Oh, wow," Z chuckled, "We better get started then." 

The soldier cocked her head towards the small black bin by the door and spat the gum in her mouth straight in. The small spectacle shouldn't have been of any note to Noah, but it was. The fact lingered in the back of their mind, but they did their best to not let it show.

"Warm-up first," Z said as she motioned Noah over to the mat, "Some basic stretches can't be too hard for you, right?"

Noah snickered, "Don't count on it yet."

"Alright, nerd. Just follow my lead."

Z started doing some basic stretches. Noah seemed to be following along okay, but they kept tumbling over or losing their balance. At some point, it concerned Z, and she stopped stretching. When she spared Noah a little exasperated stare, the scientist stood up and looked back at her, confused.

"What's wrong?"

"Do the stretch we just did."

Although their brow was still raised, Noah just shrugged, then went back into the stretch. Z walked around them, humming in thought. When she came back to her spot, she had her conclusion.

"Your posture sucks, Noah," she said, trying not to laugh.

Noah immediately straightened up and clutched their braids, their eyes averted from Z in embarrassment in a fruitless attempt to hide their blushing face and ears. "Stop fucking giggling, you pinhead," they retorted, "It's not that bad!"

"Dude," the soldier wheezed, "It's why you keep falling over. It is that bad."

Noah twisted on their heel and began to storm off when Z caught their shoulders, then pulled them back towards the mat. "Don't just give up like that, idiot," she chuckled, "I didn't say I wouldn't help you."

"Still took a fucking sweet time to mock me, though," they huffed as they were dragged.

Z let them settle their feet back on the mat. "Alright, now do the stretch again."

"No."

"Noah."

"Ugh, fine."

A snarl and a string of curses came through as Noah redid the stretch. Z told them to relax as she went behind them and started correcting Noah's stance. But when she went to try and hold onto Noah's side, they jerked back and made a noise between a squeak and a yelp.

Noah, absolutely mortified, looked back at Z. It took the soldier a few seconds to process what she'd just heard.

"Was that… Was that you?"

Noah could feel their ears burning as frustration and humiliation created chaos within them. "You didn't fucking hear that!"

Z absolutely heard it, and she was suddenly in hysterics. "Noah, you're ticklish? Hah!"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Oh my god. That's just cute," Z smirked, "Who would've thought?"

Noah thought their ticklishness was something stupid, embarrassing, and totally unbecoming of them — but never 'cute'. That tiny comment echoed in Noah's head, as well as the loud pounding of their heart. It felt extremely weird that, no matter how hard they thought, they couldn't come up with anything to snark back at Z with. So they just stood there, stunned, hair pulled over their reddened ears. The same couldn't be done to hide their face though, as it burned a deep, cherry red.

"You're blushing," the soldier teased.

Noah hissed, "I know that!"

Z's laughter trailed into a softer chuckle, then she asked, "How sensitive are you?"

Silence.

Z put a hand on her waist, looking expectantly at Noah. "I'm not trying to tease. I'm asking so I know how to help you in training."

Noah answered reluctantly, "It's really bad when I'm taken by surprise, like what you did just now. But I think if I see it coming…  it wouldn't bother me as much."

Having absorbed that little bit of information, Z went behind Noah again. As she guided them into the right position, she'd tell Noah beforehand if she was going to touch them and where. Noah still jerked back on reflex, but they tolerated the annoying tingling sensations until they actually eased into a sense of comfort. The feeling of Z's firm, heavy grip lingered on the areas she would touch, and it rendered Noah quite complacent to the soldier's instructions and helplessly flustered from the tiniest bits of praise.

When they got through the warm-up, Noah could barely feel their muscles burning over the heat they felt in their face. As soon as Z stepped away from them, Noah ran to the bench and chugged their water, purposefully turned away from Z as they mentally tried to calm themselves down.

It wasn't working that well.

"If you were that thirsty, you could've told me," Z said, both teasing and concerned. "And, don't drown yourself."

Noah drank almost the entire bottle of water and was panting as if they'd run a marathon when they put the tumbler down. They wiped away any stray water trails with the back of their hand, then turned back around to face Z.

"What's next," they huffed, expression steeled as if they weren't blushing crazily just moments ago.

Cute, Z thought. She stifled her laughter out of consideration for Noah's determination. "Alright, we'll start with the basics: just punching and kicking. Nothing too complicated"

An hour later, Noah was lying spread-eagled on the mat, drenched in sweat and eyes closed as they struggled to catch their breath. Every muscle in their body was screaming and Noah listened to their plea. They stayed still on the mat while Z looked on.

She snickered, "So, want to move on to lesson 2?"

Noah raised a middle finger at her, only for it to drop back down on the mat. They earned a hearty laugh from the soldier.

Z got her tumbler and Noah's towel from their bag, then handed both items to them, whom she had to pull up to a sitting position. They flung the towel on their head and started chugging down the bottle. It was empty in seconds.

"Ah, shit," they muttered, frowning at the empty bottle. Then they looked up at Z, their gaze soft and apologetic. "Sorry about that."

Z sat beside them. "Nah, it's fine," she said, "I've got an extra bottle in my bag."

"I'm real shitty at this physical stuff," Noah sighed. Training was rough, but halfway through it , they actually started having fun. They had to admit—and they really didn't expect it—their teacher was a pretty good one. But they couldn't help but feel bad about being so crap at following her directions at times.

Z laughed, "Yeah, you are." She patted Noah on the back and smiled. "But, you did good today. Tripped a few times, but hey, baby steps, right?"

Noah lightened up at the comment. "Right," they nodded. "Oh, by the way, I've got a pack of bubblegum in my bag. It's your favorite."

"You remember my favorite bubble gum flavor?"

"Uh, yeah, 'cus you're never not chewing on one."

Z suddenly tackled Noah into a headlock, laughing loudly as they tried to squirm out from under her arm to no avail.

"Isn't that sweet of you," she chuckled.

"Gago, bitawan mo nga 'ko!" [T/N: Let go of me!]

They tried pushing her off, but Noah's arms were twigs in strength compared to Z's. Yet as they cursed out the soldier, Noah was grinning and laughing along with her. Eventually, Z loosened her arm around their neck, and rested it over their shoulder. They didn't try to remove it.

"Same time tomorrow," they asked.

"You don't mind?"

Noah shook their head. Z grinned.

"It's a date, then."

[zetaro]

Rambly lil post about some things going through my head. TW: depression stuff

When I was a kid, my friend got hit in the face with a basketball. Me being ever the 9 year old comedian joked about getting them an ambulance, maybe to distract them from the pain, maybe cause I didn't know how else to deal with the situation, maybe cause I was just being a lil shit, I no longer remember. What I do remember, and what I probably will remember for the rest of my life, is what they said next: "you can't help, you can only be sarcastic". and they were right, I was not helping in that situation. I don't think I had the tools nessicary to help. My friend was in pain, and I had failed to help them.

That feeling, and those words, stuck with me. At times, it lead me to isolate myself from the people around me. If I couldn't improve thier lives in any way, the best thing I could do for them is keep my distance. A lot of lonely bus rides home were the result of this line of thinking. Those words would play out at my lowest moments and worst of failures. "You can't help" became "what are you even doing here? You can't help and will only make things worse". It made me question my worthiness to even exist.

Other times, these words would make me into a door mat. "You cant help" you say? Ill show you, ill be the most helpful person this side the Mississippi. Id bend over backwards to anyone who I might be able to prove my worth to. If they needed a light I would set myself ablaze just to help them see. Needless to say I burnt out. And when you are in a state where you can no longer help yourself, it is near impossible to help others in any meaningful way. So we cycle back a paragraph and shut ourselves off from the world.

Even though i have grown a lot since then, I still find myself slipping into these old hats every once and a while. Id like to think that i am a generous person, something that I don't intend to change, but I now realize how there are unfortunately people who are too eager to take advantage of the kindness I offer. I also still turtle up in my shell when things get tough. If I am unable to help others, then I should be alone, or at least that's the thinking process. It's made asking for help difficult, but I am still learning and growing. And even though I really want to help others as much as I can, I now realize that I need to be solid aswell. It takes a balance, one that I am still trying to get right.

I think its quite interesting how little events from our past, seeming innocuous to others, can shape the people we become. I'm thankful for what my friend said that day because it made me want to be a selfless person. But at the same time, those words haunted me, and every person I let down that voice re-appeared. "You can't help". And you know what? Sometimes I can't help, and that is okay. I am trying my best to help however I can whenever I am able. And even though I will not always be able to help, I will do my best to try, and I hope that is enough. "You can't help" becomes "you didn't help, but you tried, and maybe next time you will".

So I guess if you are reading this then thanks for hearing my thoughts, I hope they were somewhat interesting. The takeaway is idk try and do good but if it doesn't work out then don't sweat it too much. Mission failed we'll get em next time kinda energy. Change what you can, accept that you can't change some things.

[lovesickbrat]

Not sure if this counts but I’m still not over the time when I was making fun of the guy I used to have a crush on at the time, he was smoking and I remember just going “ew” and his response to that was like “I will blow smoke in your face.” He didn’t he was bluffing but I was so tempted to provoke him to see if he would actually do it or not.

Another time I think this was like during the same week he made a sexual joke towards me and I remember being so flustered that he caught on and his response to that made my soul leave my body. (I was going to type what he said but I got embarrassed)

Like, I may be sex repulsed but he was the whole reason why I developed this whole cat and mouse game where one is trying to corrupt the “good girl” while the “good girl” taming the bad boy/fuck boy fantasy. Idk if there’s the right term for it but the idea of having your body used on prompted for whatever reason like as a punishment or something along those lines? We never actually ended up together unfortunately but these are moments I think about often.

cant believe u let him slip away….

[what-if-nct]

hiiii is it ok if i ask for some advice? im sorry im gonna sound rambly but uhhh i'm 14 and starting high school next year (which i alrdy dont feel too good abt haha) and my (overbearing asian) parents are going to send me to this private lutheran hs instead of the public one i was supposed to go to bc its more upper class and smart (?). tbh i was genuinely surprised that i liked the school, academic-wise, and i rlly liked that i had the space in my schedule to take more fine arts classes (i dont have any in my hs) but like the first thing the principal said to me was that i "needed to learn to be a good christian". a whole hour each week is dedicated to jesus and i just know my atheist ass is going to be uncomfortable asf. first, one of my best friends has a thing for jesus (he says jesus is too hot to be straight 😭) and i cant tell if hes joking anymore, and second, i dont have a problem with people who are religious, but i do when they are flat out hateful and harrassing people from communities they "dont agree with", and i just know the people preaching at this school are the latter.

also rn i am the *only* poc in my entire school, and i noticed there were a lot more asian students and students of color, so hopefully there'll be less kids pulling at their eyes or calling me slurs :D

anyways i not a fan of the fact that "homosexual behavior on or off campus" warranted for expulsion, since i am a *very* queer and bisexual individual. at my current school, i dont really need to hide my gayness bc no one cares, and my teachers are accepting (my homeroom teachers a lesbian lol <33). i dont think i can handle having to hide such a big part of my identity at home *and* at school :( too add to that i really suck at making friends, so being somewhere without people i'm comfortable with, my anxiety gets really bad, and i just shut down completely.

my hs is p rundown (like most public highschools are) and the classes are average at best, so idk man, im torn :( i dont know if i should suck it up and go to lutheran school bc their good academics, or ✨be myself✨ and go to p shitty school :/

i dont know what to do (or if i can even do anything) abt it i just dont feel too good about this :( you've mentioned you went to a christian school, so do you have any advice? even if you dont, thank you so so much for listening to me rant for a moment there <33 i really treasure you and your blog, atp you feel like the big sister i've never had. i love youuuu <333

That is such a sticky situation. Cause maybe you can try to persuade your parents especially since they'll be paying for the private school on top of college tuition in the future, it can be a huge selling point. I know that's how I won in the decision of beauty school over college it's cheaper. And christian and catholic schools are heavily based in religion like it's a huge part of it so if you don't believe in it it can be absolutely mind numbing. I actually didn't go to Christian school, actually wasn't forced to go to church as a child, I was like 11 and for some reason told grandma Christianity is responsible for all the bad things that happened in the world. Which is wild that I even was able to come to that conclusion as a child she just brushed me off. But I did go to church summer camp to be with my friends which my friend and I got scolded for holding hands but she was just leading me through the crowd of people. So that's still unfortunately a huge part of christian beliefs

the thing that really caught me off guard is the homosexual activity off campus can lead to expulsion. On campus like sucks but is expected of a christian school sadly. But off campus in your day to day life is like your actions off campus shouldn't be judged by the school. Like I can't wrap my mind around that. I think since you have a whole summer maybe look for more schools you can attend I remember doing this in middle school because my home high school was an F school so you could choose any high school within a certain range. You'd be really surprised with how many schools are around you I'm assuming you're in the us but I'm sure everywhere has a ton of schools. And look for a school that holds some of what your parents want and also your own values and needs for your education. And maybe your parents seeing you take initiative might be an extra point.

If your parents are deadset on it. I think try to make the best out of it as much as you can usually there's a group of people in the same boat you're in where their parents forced them to be there. Trust me no matter where you go you will always be drawn to those like you every single time. But if you do get the choice of going to the original public school firstly screw every single racist little bitch who does that to you that is horrid I am so sorry you have to endure that. People suck. But you can also learn extra independently I always did that cause I was a bit ahead of my class. But I really think researching more schools in your area would help you find the perfect school for you. I personally was in love with Waldorf schools they're more creative led schools and freer, I wanted to go to one so badly. So figure out the exact kind of education you want like a magnet school, charter school it doesn't hurt to see how receptive your parents will be to it.

I really hope this helped at all and I hope it works out well for you. And Awwww it's so sweet you see me as a big sister, I gladly be your big sister, love you too🌸🌸🌸

[morningstar-warriors]

Adventure One

Applepaw is in Fern Clan camp, he is met by a Queen wailing about her missing kits. Panicked he tries to soothe her, as she begs him to help find them. Flame plays Applepaw as a supremely nervous little guy. I love it!

Meanwhile in Tall Trees (Fern Clan territory) Buttermoss is out hunting… and failing. Unfortunately she isn’t very strong, and Cookie wasn’t doing so well with her roles. Applepaw encounters her, asking if she’d seen any kits outside the camp. Buttermoss proceeds to talk Applepaw’s ear off— Out of her ramblings it was revealed she had seen them! She was a little uncertain about where they went, but Cookie rolled well, and Butter managed to remember. They come across Grizzlebark on Great Tree.

He yawns sitting in the branches lazily. He too had seen the kits. Applepaw is baffled by how little these guys give a fuck. Grizzlebark decides to help hunt, slipping out of his tree and taking his Spirit Animal with him. A great brown bear, which he rides alongside the two with. I cant recall the bear’s name… I think it was Runcher??

Side Note: I butt heads with Bug here a little, he’d never read warriors and was just going off of joke oc ideas we had. So at first I was like YOU DONT HAVE A BEAR!!?!!? But after adjusting how seers work… Grizzlebark has a non-lethal bear companion. I’d like to note that Bug didn’t plan on abusing Runcher, he was just a bit confused and liked his bear.

Any how the four continue, Applepaw recalls butterflies are in the meadows this time of year, and kits often chase butterflies. So they all wander to the meadow, noting large ominous paw prints trailing in with them.

Grizzlebark tells Runcher to go home “Its not safe for you here.” he tells the bear stoically. Applepaw stutters in disbelief, and Buttermoss smiles bidding the bear farewell.

They attempt to sneak through the tall grass, but Applepaw is far too loud, drawing the attention of a fox nearby. Buttermoss and Grizzlebark fight the fox while Applepaw uses a dash knack to get the hell out. He eventually finds the kits, and leaves mint at the fox’s den to hurt their noses. Grizzlebark swipes at the fox, it bites luckily dealing minimal damage to Grizz. Buttermoss uses her yowl knack, intimidating the fox, and it skitters off after another swipe from Grizzlebark. The team had successfully saved the kits!

Once all was said and done, the kits were safely returned to Fern Clan. Butter hunted some more finally catching a squirrel, Grizzlebark had a vision of smoke rising out of the clan camp, and Applepaw had a vision of two cats circling one another bathed in fire…

[ajoytobeheld]

UK Tour notes

October 23rd, 2009

It’s rather bizarre to think that we have not played UK centric shows in a year, the last two gigs have made it seem like we have never been away. We have quickly settled back into the routine of sitting in a splitter driving along the M roads talking utter rubbish whilst  longing for  M & S themed service stations.

Those of you who attended the concert last night in Southampton can adhere to the fact it was a heat pit akin to the ninth circle of hell and the stage was littered with sprinkles of sweat. I would like to give a special shout out to the guy who informed me he braved the humidity despite the fact it made his hair frizzy. Well done.

The Juno Keyboard did not have such a good time and stopped making a noise that was pleasing to the ears. It was kind of like this “duhhhrrrhhr” noise….BUT Rob “Sparky” Taylor saved the day by distracting the audience with a long winded joke about a child on a death bed whose dying wish is for a golf ball,  if you missed out it was bloody funny and will be remembered as a golden gig moment for generations to come.

Coventry was also rather great, with the venue having a particularly fetching outdoor area with Palm trees straight out a LA beach party (I would imagine, I have attended none but I have watched The Hills.)  We also got to meet the lovely Copy Haho for the first time who made a few of us jagermesiter cocktail things, which had an elaborate name but in essence were said spirit and red bulls. I think they are meant to stimulate you before leaving you twitchy with a itching sense of your own mortality. Myself and Kim also got invited to go and dance with four drunk guys dressed like security guards who were attending the club night afterwards but the haunting sounds of a Lady GaGa remix did not tempt us (it was not even paparazzi, thats a tune.)

But all this waffle is leading up to a favour I have to ask…

I had a unfortunate incident a month ago where my camera met some water and they didn’t get on, so I borrowed my mums camera but she lost the connecter wire thing so….. I cant upload pictures.

I thought maybe YOU would like to send me some pictures of the gigs for documentation/making the blog posting look sexier/sexy photos of us for me to pleasure myself over! However only send one image which you think really summed up the gig experience for yourself, and the ones I like the most will get used. Remember my criteria is vague, and my judgement is awful. Send your pictures to tourphotojoy@live.com

Thanks

Ellen x