#unless the scandal drama is something I feel like reading/writing at the moment

[hollowed-theory-hall]

Do you think gay marriage is legalized in the WW (at least in Harry’s time in the 90s)? I lean towards no as I don’t really see the WW being that anymore progressive (most likely less) than we are when it comes to sexuality (Also I don’t think it helps that they are a culture that highly values continuing the magical bloodlines). What’s your take?

I agree with you here. I don't think it's likely that they legalized same-sex marriages.

In Hogwarts Legacy, there are Nora and Priya Tradwell who are two women who were married to each other in 1890. That being said, I don't really consider HL 100% canon since other aspects of it contradict the books (the castle is gorgeous but why is the potions classroom not in the dungeons?!). So, I'm kinda picking and choosing what's canon when it comes to the video games.

But in the books, we don't see any indication that it's legal or treated any differently than in the muggle world at the time.

The only real reference I could recall from the books to anything gay (explicitly) is Dudley taunting Harry about being gay (because this happened):

“What d’you mean, I’m not brave in bed?” said Harry, completely nonplussed. “What — am I supposed to be frightened of pillows or something?” “I heard you last night,” said Dudley breathlessly. “Talking in your sleep. Moaning.” “What d’you mean?” Harry said again, but there was a cold, plunging sensation in his stomach. He had revisited the graveyard last night in his dreams. Dudley gave a harsh bark of laughter then adopted a high-pitched, whimpering voice. “ ‘Don’t kill Cedric! Don’t kill Cedric!’ Who’s Cedric — your boyfriend?” “I — you’re lying —” said Harry automatically. But his mouth had gone dry. He knew Dudley wasn’t lying — how else would he know about Cedric? “ ‘Dad! Help me, Dad! He’s going to kill me, Dad! Boo-hoo!’ ” “Shut up,” said Harry quietly. “Shut up, Dudley, I’m warning you!” “ ‘Come and help me, Dad! Mum, come and help me! He’s killed Cedric! Dad, help me! He’s going to —’ Don’t you point that thing at me!” Dudley backed into the alley wall. Harry was pointing the wand directly at Dudley’s heart. Harry could feel fourteen years’ hatred of Dudley pounding in his veins — what wouldn’t he give to strike now, to jinx Dudley so thoroughly he’d have to crawl home like an insect, struck dumb, sprouting feelers — “Don’t ever talk about that again,” Harry snarled. “D’you understand me?”

(OotP, 15)

I can't say much more than Harry is bothered, whether it is about the assumption that Cedric is his boyfriend or that Dudley makes fun of Cedric's death is up to guesswork (I think it's probably a bit of both). But it doesn't appear other sexualities are any more accepted or openly talked about in the WW compared to the muggle one. I'd say even less in all likelihood.

I also agree with you on how important having children and continuing the family line is for pure-bloods (which is at least 50% of their population), I doubt they encourage gay marriage. Honestly, the more accepting pure-bloods probably treat it like: "Sleep with whoever you want in your free time, but get married and give us an heir", while other families are probably worse.

That being said, we do see on the family tapestry that both Alphard Black and Cassiopia Black didn't get married or have kids, so if you have enough siblings to carry the family line for you, you could get away with not getting married and having children. But with how Andromeda was disowned for marrying a muggleborn, it's likely anything less than the perfect pure-blood marriage would have had to stay fairly hidden for you to not get disowned.

I also agree that with how archaic many aspects of their culture are (from quills to their education standards, to candles, to the fact canning students was practiced at Hogwarts when Molly and Arthur Weasley were students, etc...), it's highly unlikely they're more progressive than muggles when it comes to, well, anything. Like, indoor plumbing supposedly came to Hogwarts in the 18th century alongside the muggle advancements in this field, but it was noted in Pottermore that wizards rarely copy from muggles to such a degree. So, I don't think wizards would be pioneering gay rights or anything like that.

So, yeah, I agree, I don't think same-sex couples could legally get married in the Wizarding World as there is no indication they can, but I don't think they're getting executed either (as was the case in the UK in the late 19th century), so, there's at least that. I think it's treated like a dirty secret that'll cause a scandal in some circles, but it's not illegal to be gay in the WW.

[maybe-theres-hope]

Tarlos Period Drama AU

So @howtosingit received an ask about a Tarlos Bridgerton AU, and to be honest I’ve just binged the whole thing so I commented on that post saying I’d attempt it. 

But here’s the thing. I couldn’t make it work with Regency Era. I just...couldn’t. So I have placed them in The Gilded Age in America. If you’re familiar with it, I want you to know that I’m not going to include any ridiculous corruption or monopolies that really...defined the era. Moreso I’m putting them in a time where I think the clothes are pretty, and the aesthetic fits my needs. Everything in this will be very fun and mostly lighthearted with only the perfect amount of angst to satisfy period drama tropes. It will be at times inaccurate, and other times shamelessly self indulgent. Tropes galore.

I also said I would attempt a one-shot but....yeah. This will be...rather long. LOL can’t stop won’t stop. 

Under the cut is the opening scene, to give you a feel (not my first attempt at writing in this style, but the first in a LONG while.) I will post link to AO3 when I begin publishing. PLEASE let me know if you are looking forward to it, as it will greatly motivate me!

1885. TK is son of Owen Strand, of Strand Intercontinental Railroad Company. They have traveled to the southern US to cut deals with landowners there to build a lucrative rail line through central Texas. TK is 26, and his father thinks he’s getting rather old to be unmarried. He has warned TK that if he does not find a husband by the end of the year, he will arrange a marriage, as Owen cannot by law bequeath his fortune upon his death unless his son is married. TK is not...vibing with having to hurry his decision to wed. Truly at his heart, he is a romantic and wishes to marry for love. It’s just that love has been hard to come by with the flighty boys of his set back home in New York. He’s not holding out hope for any prospects in whatever back country they’re traveling to either.

“Ms. Mercer’s proposal looks promising,” Owen says, mostly to himself but loud enough to include TK in the conversation, should he wish to participate. “And Mr. and Mr. Felton-Lowman have quite a sprawl, though it does look to contain more elevation than I was hoping. I thought all of Texas was supposed to be flat?” Owen muses as he tosses the papers back onto his makeshift desk.

TK is only half listening, choosing instead to stare morosely out the window at the passing countryside of the American South, eyes at intervals tracking livestock in the fields and lingering drips from this morning’s light storm rolling down the glass window of the lavish Pullman they’ve commandeered as their vessel for this journey. His father, bless his soul, had tried to get TK to care more about the business as of late, and truth be told, TK was very interested in the workings of his father’s company and he did take great pride in being able to inherit it someday and make his father proud. It was just that recently, he’d had his heart thoroughly crushed by an absolute rake of a man and he’d rather wallow in self pity than think about geological surveys and boundaries for livestock movements.

TK heard his father sigh, a sure sign that a lecture was coming soon. TK took a breath and held it.

“I wish you’d forget about that awful boy, Tyler. You wouldn’t have wanted a life with him anyway. His family was barely polite at best, and scandalous at their worst. Honestly, you got out on the good side of things.” TK wanted to say that he didn’t care about things like status and scandal, he cared about love and commitment.

Turns out all Alexander had been able to commit to was his harem of stable boys and footmen that TK had known nothing about until it was too late.

TK blew out his breath. He knew his father meant well. Owen Strand was not overbearing as some other fathers were, especially with an only child upon whom everything rested. He wished his son to be happy and settled, is all. TK knew this, and still he couldn’t help his sullen reply.

“Yes, father, I shall just forget. Forget every sweet nothing and every second and third dance. Forget every promise and every earnest declaration. Forget that it was all a lie. Yes, my mind shall be rid of Alexander’s presence by sundown. Then we shall celebrate. How simple.” He knew he was being unreasonable, but he wanted to be angry for a while. He’d only found Alexander with Mrs. Howell’s second footman three days earlier. It still stung.

As the train rattled on, closer to a place that TK was of a mind to understand was so far from proper civilization as to be considered exotic, he felt his father’s disappointment cling to him. That hurt worse than what he’d seen Alexander and the footman doing--which was something for which he was sure a name had not been invented yet.

“I’m sorry, father. It’s just that you’ve set this deadline for me with no explanation as to why, and I don’t want to let you down but I’m afraid I’ll never find the right man for me. I had thought it would be Mr. Thompson, but I was mistaken. Sorely mistaken.”

At this, TK looked up to catch his father’s soft look of commiseration. “I know you’re feeling overwhelmed, but you are getting on in age. Most boys are married off by three and twenty, and you’ve gone nearly four years past that. I’m not going to be around forever, you know. You need to secure a match that makes you happy, but you’ll need to do it sooner rather than later.”

“Why, father? Why must I rush such a momentous decision? You are in perfect health! I have another five or ten at least!” At this, he caught a very minute shift in his father’s countenance, something like pain, but it was gone in an instant. His father was the most stoic man TK had ever had occasion to meet; if he was in pain at all, no one would ever know. It must have been a trick of the flickering pre-dusk light coming through the windows of the train car. Owen took on a playful tone.

“Five or ten? What respectable young lad would want to marry a man of thirty-five? You’d practically be spinster by then,” he joked fondly.

“You’re a good deal past thirty-five and I’ve still seen twenty year old Miss Brinkman making eyes at you across the dancefloor of an evening. If I’ve inherited your genes I’ve nothing to fear,” TK shot back with a barely there smirk.

“Thank heaven for us all, but you’ve got your mother’s beauty. I couldn’t have asked for better,” Owen said quietly. TK’s mother had been gone these past ten years. A bout with pneumonia that the doctors could not cure had taken her from them. “But you do have my charm, I’ll allow you that. You should put it to use down south. Perhaps a cattle baron might catch your eye?”

“Oh by God, no. I couldn’t imagine whiling away my days on a smelly farm trying to read reports by moonlight and taking my sullen and fatigued husband to bed only for him to fall asleep minutes after his head hits the pillow. No romance in hard labor, that’s for sure.” TK shuddered a bit to think of life on an actual farm, constantly smelling of hay and manure like some streetsweeper back in Manhattan.

“I do believe successful cattle barons can afford more than a few tawdry tallows, Tyler,” Owen quipped with a smirk before turning his attention back to the maps and surveys scattered in front of him. The conversation that, just moments ago, had been fraught with uncertainty and earnestness seemed to flutter into the wind. TK and his father were like that most times: they’d lay things out on the table between them, and if it clearly couldn’t be resolved in a single good-natured quarrel, they both gave themselves time to regroup to resume the discussion at a later date.

For this particular subject, TK was coming to think of that ‘later date’ as a cuff slowly tightening around his wrist, the chain binding him to his destiny getting shorter and shorter.

He looked down at his hands, privileged hands that hadn’t had to do much manual labor in his life, save for the few times his father took him to the yards to show him how things were run. Owen, on the other hand, was an entirely self-made man, who saved and invested his earnings working for Vanderbilt and made enough to purchase his first railcar at just twenty. He contracted it with the Erie and charged passengers thirty-five cents for passage between New York and Boston. From there it only grew, to what was now a very respectable business, looking to lay lines of their own. Perhaps not the largest--that was still Vanderbilt’s claim--but certainly a player on the board.

And it would all be TK’s if he could just hurry up and fall in love already.

[chenoehi]

I have read your rant and I agree with most of them, but there is one thing I disagree with. As we know, Jin will go to the military next year. This means Big Hit can start release duet singles. Just like the artists of other companies do.(eyeing EXO) I think pairs must at least be popular to do that. Before Kookmin became popular, they only had TK, but since last year they've been promoting KM, make them get more fans. So they will have more pairs, more money. It's just buisness.

Hello 💜

Thank you for the ask. I don't want to harp/rant on this subject, but I'll answer some asks about it if that can help clarify my point of view (and hopefully this will be a healthy discussion). I don't get many asks anyway so I have fewer opportunities to air my opinions. That's probably why these rants are turning into dissertations. Sorry anon 🤷‍♀️🤐

If you don't want to suffer through all of this, just skip to SALIENT POINTS down below. I have no idea how to use the read more on mobile.

I have a different perspective on a few things you mentioned, but first, I agree that in a business sense BH have recently and will continue to promote subunits (with exceptions, more on this). They have to prepare for the next stages of the boys' careers as an incomplete Bangtan once Seokjin and Yoongi go into the military. I don't think that the company hasn't been doing what any business does which is capitalize on what's popular and give fans what they want (BTS World game anyone? It gave the y/n people what they wanted, and everyone else got a fun little game out of it).

What I don't think is that BH has necessarily pushed KM in front of people's faces to *make* them popular any more than they've done with other pairings. At some point in time, all of the boys have each had photoshoots with one or two members. All have been paired up visually or for a game or for hotel rooms or whatever rooms they're on for the Run! episodes and what the fans get is to see the different members interact with each other. It's not always the rapline and the vocal line hanging out together, or the hyung line and the maknae line hanging out together.

I didn't agree that some things lately have been done to bait KM fans. That's not the same as me saying I don't think that BH is a business that acts like a business and capitalizes on what they can. I'm also not a blind defender of BH. I've been disappointed with some things, mostly with the lack of control over antis and the lack of defense for their artists (I'm thinking of Jimin's two t-shirt *scandals*). But all of that is off topic and not related to KM in the slightest.

Is BH responsible for KM's popularity?

You mentioned that you feel like BH has helped make KM popular (paraphrasing). I don't see it that way. I think people of all types are seeing how close they are and reacting accordingly. If anything, KM have made themselves popular (loudness on tour, GCFs, vlives, spending time together, etc.). Or at least that's how I see it.

With how obvious they've made their affection for each other (platonic or romantic), Jimin and Jungkook themselves have, over the years, inadvertently alerted everyone to how close they are and they naturally make a good pairing. They spend a lot of time together and so the documentaries, docuseries, Bangtan Bombs, and variety shows just reflect their bond. The fans get a ton of moments and some begin to notice this pairing whereas they may not have before. I think this process has been natural. More and more people 'see' them each day and it's mostly because of how they act around each other. When you're in love, people notice.

I don't think KM's popularity has been fabricated; what I mean by that is, I don't think they've become popular because of BH. Let's not forget about what happened with the Black and White performance video, or how long it took to get a Bangtan Bomb of behind the scenes. People began to think we'd never get it and it was obvious that KM was being isolated for whatever reason. Who knows why it took so long or what went on behind the scenes. Did they acquiesce to the fans' demands for the video when they published it or was it always planned but just delayed? We'll never know. But if BH really wanted to play up the pairing to help it gain popularity I'm not sure they handled it the best way; all they really did was irritate fans, and only the people who attended muster and filmed it really got to enjoy it.

Would BH or have BH promoted shipworthy subunits? Does this make total sense, considering both a business and artistic perspective? Bangtan's creative agency (past, present, future)?

Putting aside rapline and vocal line units and any songs released on SoundCloud, Jamais Vu and the OST are really the first times we've got an official series of Bangtan subunits to listen to (Jungkook, Jimin, Namjoon, Taehyung, and Seokjin have collaborated with various arrangements but only on songs they've released on SoundCloud, done for Festa, for dramas, etc.).

These subunits were a surprise to most people, especially the Jamais Vu and Brand New Day subunits. So far we've gotten subunits that a lot of us probably weren't thinking of or asking for. I know a lot of people want to see Yoongi and Jimin do something or Jimin and Namjoon (minjoon is gaining popularity real fast, but more on ships in a minute) and people have been asking for a Taehyung and Jungkook subunit for who knows how long. <- these observations are based on what I've seen people say since I became a fan. I haven't even touched on Sope and Otsukare because frankly, that is a very popular pairing, ship, and both Yoongi and Hoseok know it and they have fun with it. Ships aside, pretty much everyone agrees that Otsukare is hype and it's a travesty it's not on SoundCloud. (It just makes me smile, ilovethemsomuch).

I said all that ^^^ to say this:

I have no idea how SM decided on their subunit pairings for EXO (insert other applicable idol group and agency).

I have no idea if other companies pair their artists for subunits based solely on their popularity in the fandom.

^ This seems unrealistic for various reasons. That's a cash grab. There's no consideration of the artists voices, how they fit stylistically, their range, etc. etc. Please, no one bring up SuperM. We haven't even seen them in action yet so we literally can't judge anything (not to mention it's a whole group, not a subunit, and we all know how different Bangtan's individual styles are).

I have to assume from the randomness of the MOTS/OST album subunits we've gotten from Bangtan so far that they haven't been thrown together just because they're popular pairings; if anything these were unusual choices and not really anything I've seen people asking for (I don't mean that they aren't good pairings, only that I'm not sure anyone saw those subunits coming).

When it comes to subunits on albums I would think Bangtan has a say in who does a song with who. They have, after all, had creative license to write and produce their own music this whole time. I don't see them being forced into doing a subunit song they don't want to do. If anything, we know at least once they were told not to do a specific song with a specific member (vmin/Christmas duet) and that was an issue of content.

Subunits have to make sense.

-> -> -> In order for a subunit to be successful and make sense, the 2 or 3 (or 4) individuals have to have vocal chemistry. Their voices and styles have to compliment each other and they have to sound good together. Rappers can get away with this a little bit but they still have to flow. Vocalists have it harder because in a duet or small subunit they'll be harmonizing, etc. etc. A company can't just throw two vocalists against a wall like spaghetti and see if they stick.

-> -> -> -> -> Subunits based on looks or to satisfy shippers et al. don't make much sense unless the subunit makes sense without those factors.

Since you mentioned EXO, I'll use the recent Chanyeol/Sehun EXO subunit as an example:

I'm not that well-versed in the EXO fandoms shipping culture, however, I do know some of the popular ships. And I'm not entirely sure if C/S are one of those (Chanyeol/Baekhyun? Huge.). The subunit makes sense since they're both rappers and the song is a rap song (I haven't actually heard the song but I saw the promotions). I have no idea if people were asking for that pairing or not. Likewise, I have no idea if they're a really popular pairing. They may be, either because of shipping or because they're rappers.

Popularizing/Monetizing/Exploiting/Fabricating

Saying that BH monetizes KM implies that they're deliberately trying to make money off of their bond and their popularity as a ship (more on this next). This can imply many things but one thing it implies that has a very negative connotation is that BH would fabricate things or deliberately mislead fans to make money (I've already explained that I don't see either the 2018 Memories or the Bring the Soul docuseries episode as KM bait, and I'll just have to agree to disagree with those who feel that way). Saying that BH can capitalize or make money off of KM implies to me that KM are popular, BH sees that, and BH may give us more moments of them together on film, etc.

In order to do that though, BH has to advertise the KM content. Are they actually doing that? I'm not convinced.

But this all still goes back to my point in the other post that BH actively promoting KM content in the interest of *winning* KM fans popularizes the ship and that's dangerous if they are actually together. It's dangerous because it opens them up to more scrutiny and puts them at risk of being outed. This would be devastating from a business sense unless the fandom culture changes (not going to happen) or they ease us into it. Maybe they are trying to do that now, I don't know how I feel about that, sometimes it seems that way but the reality of that is unrealistic. Before they could even remotely come out Bangtan and BH would have to take an obvious step toward supporting the LGBT+ community. They can't just skip over that to letting their artists come out.

KM are popularizing themselves with the way they act, and the video content we get continues to show how they interact. There's little BH can do at this point to avoid aiding KM in coming off as couplely. I mean, Seokjin deadass asked them if they were dating without a care in the world and teased their giggly asses on a Run! episode; he said it to tease them and everyone kind of brushed over it so it ended up not being very *dangerous*. It can't get much worse than that unless they were caught doing. . . something even remotely naughty and it got included in a show or film. We can infer things from their moments together and everything can seem couplely to us but each moment watched in isolation (with notable exceptions *cough*Rosebowl*cough*) isn't all that bad. They don't seem to be backing down in the slightest.

The only thing that I would think of as recent deliberate KM content (disregarding the *hearts* in their captions on episodes, photoshoots, etc. etc. because ALL members get that treatment) would be the VCR for 5th Muster. KM were in several scenes alone and Jimin was hella flirty. But that's just the thing: Jimin was flirty and Jimin is always flirty. He laid it on thick for the VCR but it's not unusual in and of itself. There's also the fact that they went to Busan this muster, and along with the KM being in the VCR they also did a photoshoot and even had photocards if I'm not mistaken. We know from the reaction of the city of Busan that people were pumped. Jimin was all over buses, etc. Busan got hyped. I don't doubt that BH may have done that deliberately because they were going to Busan. Could they have done it to deliberately excite KM shippers/fans? Sure. Did they capitalize off it? Well, the VCR was only available to people who'd already bought their tickets and no one was 'allowed' to film anything because muster would be available on vlive+, but they can never stop people from filming and within no time we already had the VCR or at least we had the KM bits immediately. So people don't really have to buy access to watch the VCR to satisfy their KM craving.

Basically, I'm neutral on that topic, I don't agree with the comments about 2018 Memories or Bring the Soul, and I'm not sure what else has been *done* recently to give off the impression that BH is trying to either exploit, capitalize from, or fabricate KM content. I could be proved wrong tomorrow but it seems like business as usual to me.

If BH wants to increase the popularity of certain pairings for subunit opportunities later, from a business perspective, why are they not capitalizing even more on already popular pairings?

I think we can all agree that taekook seems to be the most popular ship. Other popular ships I notice are sope, taegi, yoonmin, and taejin, with minjoon increasing in popularity; I see vmin mostly discussed in friendship terms with relatively little discourse on the 'realness' of the ship. My impression from this fandom has been that kookmin's popularity has been largely in the background until mid to late 2017 and really unleashed in 2018 when everything exploded.

And we all know this was partly because of two things: KM's increasing *loudness* and GCF:t. Neither of which had much to do with BH or any intention to make them an even more popular pairing for subunit/etc. purposes.

The way I see it, GCF:t was the straw that broke the camel's back for this fandom and at that point people *really* began to voice their opinions about this ship. After GCF:t people really began to question in earnest whether something was going on with them. The people who already suspected #jikookisreal were just cemented in their belief.

It seems to me that Jungkook's video (and his subsequent favoritism of #mainmodel Jimin) was the catalyst for this ships burst in popularity to where it is now.

But that being said, KM are still either less popular or soon to be on equal ground with TK. And yet, despite years of intense support for this pairing, Jungkook and Taehyung have yet to do anything creative together. Vmin is popular as a ship and in platonic terms, but Taehyung was told not to do a song with Jimin because of the content. If they'd done the song BH could have boosted the popularity of the pairing and capitalized on that subunit. Yoongi and Hoseok did Otsukare, and while it's a fun song it has never to this day made it officially to SoundCloud, despite the popularity of sope pairing as a ship.

More importantly, Jimin and Jungkook already are a subunit. They've done "Christmas Day" and a cover of "We don't Talk Anymore" together. Albeit, these were offerings for SoundCloud and Festa, but the two have already worked together of their own accord and established themselves as one of the 2-singer subunits in Bangtan. The fandom hardly hypes them as a subunit save for jikookers, and we already got a dance subunit performance so the fandom at large doesn't really push for them to perform together again at the moment. Yes, people might be noticing them more and they may be gaining in popularity as a ship and a pairing, but the amount of fans who see them as #busanbrothers as opposed to #busanboyfriends, a.k.a. the non-shippers who think the mere idea is crazy, is still large.

Salient points:

1. TK is still more popular than KM no matter how much of a bubble some of us are in,

2. TK fans (shippers or otherwise) are very vocal about wanting a TK subunit,

3. we still don't have it,

4. BH promoting KM for the purposes of officially debuting their subunit actually makes sense and doesn't come off to me as exploitation or monetization because they are already a subunit.

5. not many of the album subunit pairings so far have been very expected and/or made up of popular pairings or ships [jinjikook, vhope, and yoonmon aren't obscure by any means, but uber popular ships on the level of TK/KM/yoonmin/sope/taegi they are not (I would say that vhope would be the most popular ship out of these three, but that's just my observation)].

My general thoughts are that as far as music goes BH has neither made a concerted effort to push pairings that have a large, dedicated fanbase nor have they made strides to popularize subunits well in advance of the impending military enlistment of two members.

Yes, we now have 4 new album subunits between MOTS and OST and that's a lot, but only because we didn't have any before this year. Using the example of EXO again, they've had subunits for a while now and their group members only started to complete their service in the last few months (I know Xiumin/Minseok was in a subunit with 2 other members I believe, maybe Chen and. . Kai or Baekhyun, idk). Seokjin and Yoongi may be enlisting late next year, who really knows, and we still have to wait for two more albums to get the Namjoon/Jimin/Yoongi/Taehyung unit/s and these are only songs on an album. These aren't actual subunits that have been promoted separately from the group like Xiumin et al., Chanyeol/Sehun, and any of their other subunits.

From a business perspective, looking to capitalize on ship/pairing popularity, BH should be doing what exactly?

With how popular ships like TK and yoonmin are, to me it would make sense for BH to monetize and pair together the members that are already popular and who already have a very large fanbase practically begging for a subunit. When I say beg, I mean I see TKers really begging for a subunit on the daily. And other major ships like yoonmin are really desired subunits too; people still freak out over rapper Jimin and want a recycle of Tony Montana, and that compared with their *ship power* means it's pretty desired.

From a business perspective, wouldn't it make the most sense to capitalize even further on these popular pairings and satisfy fans who are just waiting to spend their money to see or hear their favorite members together?

I think it was obvious that BH was capitalizing on the ship popularity thing when they did the Hyundai ads. They paired sope and taekook together for those. It seems kind of clear. But other things like giving fancafe members a taekook selca among the other photos--I'm not exactly sure if the fans got all of that content as part of their perks of being a member or how that works, or if they had to purchase that content, I'm not really sure. But it seemed to me that they got all of those selcas and photos because they were members. When that happened I saw the KM community commenting and making fun of TKers for "having to pay for their ship's selcas" (which, honestly, is just fucking childish and rude and I'm kind of tired of hypocrisy--what do you say to jikookers who would "pay" for content if they thought they would get something KM related? Do you mock them for "paying" for their ship's content? Pot -> kettle -> black). But that's a rant for another day.

My point is, BH has done things along the way to capitalize from ships or to make fans happy by giving them content with their favorite pairings, of course they have. I think that's just idol culture and the industry they're in, and it can't be helped. They pretty much pander to fans when it suits them and it's all tied into the toxic culture where idols can't date and a bunch of bullshit I'm not interested in talking about rn.

What I don't think is that BH has queerbaited us with KM. I'm familiar with being queerbaited, both when it's deliberate baiting and when it's not and people just get offended because they're ship wasn't real.

As for subunits, if KM are debuted as a subunit the last thing I want to hear is that BH pushed that and helped them become popular. BH can absolutely still capitalize on a KM subunit with or without interference because we all know KM do the work themselves.

More importantly though, KM are already a subunit. So I don't even see BH debuting them as a move to capitalize on their relationship or their popularity with fans. They've worked together and fans like them together vocally. It makes total sense for them to be a subunit and frankly, that has nothing to do with whether or not they're together. The subunit would make sense without BH doing it to pander or monetize.

Rant = over.

💜

[staytheb]

Skype

Pairing: PTG’s Yeo One x OC [Rina] Genre: idol!au, slice of life, slight fluff Word Count: 1,063 Summary: Changgu and Rina video call one another on Skype and during the interaction they fall asleep at the monitor's screen. Another member finds the pair like this and tells the other members about it. Now the pair can't escape the teasing of having 'slept together'.

Warning: none, just teasing barely suggestive content.

this came out due to some prompt generator that got me wanting to write this one as soon as possible. other than that, that’s a bout it. so yeah happy reading and kthxbai, Admin Lia~

Rina and Changgu were currently talking to one another through the video call on Skype. The couple were in the midst of talking about a drama after Changgu had listened to Rina's ranting about a long day at work. It was more like Changgu talking about one of his favorite dramas that Rina still had yet to see.

"That Winter, The Wind Blows has such a good story line and the characters playing each role does a good job of portraying all the details. It's such a good drama, Rina. How can you not have seen it yet?" Changgu asked his girlfriend through the monitor.

"I just haven't, Changgu." Rina repeated for the nth time since they started their video call. "I'm not into dramas."

"But you're a girl. Girls love dramas, right?"

Rina chuckled as she stared at her boyfriend through the laptop's screen.

"I'm not like most girls. Would you rather have dated someone that did?"

"No. That's not what I meant."

"I know. I'm just teasing."

Changgu pouted a little longer before smiling again.

"Anyways, I think we should have a date at the Hantaek Botanical Garden where Oh Young's garden was filmed. Or have a date at one of the De Chocolate Coffee's branches in Gangnam where it was featured in the series, too."

"That's cute, but that means traveling, especially to popular places where there will be lots of people. I repeat, lots of people, Changgu." She reasoned with him before casting him a teasing smile. "Unless you plan on a dating scandal to happen because of it?"

"I mean we can just pretend that you're one of the staff members and we can have the other members come along with us, too." Changgu suggested with a bright smile. "It works for Lani and Yuto majority of the time when they wanna go on dates."

"It's because those two are actually quite cute together. Also, Lani likes going out and about and wanting to do things. I don't."

"Hey, we're cute, too."

"You're the one that's cute. I'm so-so."

"What? Don't lie. You're the cutest to me."

"Eww."

Changgu rolled his eyes as Rina laughed at his reaction.

"Hey wait a minute."

Changgu just realized something.

"If you're not into dramas, then does that mean you haven't watched Spark or the second season of Age of Youth?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I have a supporting role in Spark while the other members make a cameo in it and some of us cameo in the second season of Age of Youth as a boy group called Asgard."

Before Rina could even apologized for not watching either shows, Changgu went into full discussion about both of the series. Rina just listened to her boyfriend's voice with a gentle smile upon seeing how animated he was whenever he spoke. A moment later Rina found herself drifting off to sleep to the sound of Changgu's soothing voice. A few minutes later Changgu wondered why his girlfriend wasn't commenting back and glanced at the screen.

He realized that Rina had fallen asleep. Instead of being upset by it he found it adorable as Rina was way cuter this way. Rina usually put up a front and was always aloof or neutral about things, especially when others were around her. So Changgu enjoyed the little moments when Rina let down her guard whenever it was just the two of them. He leaned his chin against his forearms and watched his sleeping girlfriend with a small smile upon his face.

Some time later Changgu had fallen asleep as well. Yanan shared the room with Changgu and had walked in to ask his member something, but noticed the pair had fallen asleep with the Skype app still active. Yanan smirked playfully as he got closer to the sleeping pair and glanced from one figure to the other and back again. He chuckled softly while bringing out his mobile device to have proof for later. He later went to fetch the rest of the members.

When the next day arrived with Lani dragging her older sister, Rina, along with her to the PENTAGON dorm early in the morning, Rina found herself along with her boyfriend being teased endlessly by the members. Changgu thought it was cute as he was used to his members teasing him, but Rina wanted to beat up the boys. Unfortunately for her, she couldn't as explained by her sister when she asked Lani why she couldn't due to the boys being idols and needed to have no injuries of any kind. So Rina just settled with ignoring the males until she got fed up after hearing the term for the nth that morning.

"Ahh, seriously. Aren't you guys done yet?"

"No." They chorused with rambunctious laughter.

Rina let out a groan as Changgu pulled her in for a hug to soothed his girlfriend knowing how she was when she was feeling flustered.

"We won't because I have proof that you guys slept together." Yanan stated with air quotes on the 'slept together' bit as he pulled out his phone to show the others the cute images he took of the pair.

"Aww, that's cute, Yanan." Lani cooed while shooting her sister a knowing look while sitting on the end of the couch with Yuto. "It's just weird seeing Rina act like this when she's around Changgu though."

Rina let out a groan as she hid her face into her boyfriend's embrace while mumbling incoherent things that only Changgu could understand.

"She said that none of you are getting presents during Christmas."

Lani intervened calling out her sister's bluff with a laugh.

"Don't worry, guys. She's still gonna buy y'all stuff."

"Ugh, don't expose me like that." Rina huffed casting her sister a dirty look.

Rina looked over at her boyfriend with a pout.

"I'm never Skype calling you again."

She stood up and walked out of the living room and towards her boyfriend's room to get away from everyone since she couldn't leave as she didn't want to leave Lani there by herself. Changgu excused himself as he followed after his girlfriend with laughter following. Yuto leaned closer to Lani so that only his girlfriend could hear him.

"So are they gonna sleep together for real now?"

"Stop."

Lani giggled while nudging her boyfriend in the stomach causing the male to giggle along with her.

[famedroleplayarchive]

Hello! I’m coming to everyone with a few different updates today! This is a bit of a long post under the cut and there will be some more updates and announcements soon, but I wanted to split them up to avoid one super long post. Keep an eye out for another admin post in the near future, but this post still covers a variety of topics that are important for members to read!

Firstly, I want to ask anyone with an opinion on the matter to contribute it to this poll. I’ve been considering adding some of Brown Eyed Girls’ music (namely their three 2011-2015 albums and the rumored upcoming comeback if it happens) to Silhouette’s future model discography. Since Miss A and Fiestar are disbanded and EXID has only one guaranteed Korean comeback left with Hani and Jeonghwa confirmed to be leaving Banana Culture, it feels like a good time to start picking an additional group to give room for more songs to be released by them. Brown Eyed Girls is the standout above any other choices that fit Silhouette’s intended direction to me, but if members have a problem with this addition, I’ll reconsider. I’ll take the opinions of those with muses in Silhouette into special consideration, so if that applies to you, you’re free to message me directly if you have opposition to the addition! Should this addition happen, it is planned to play into a “renewal of Silhouette” plot line eventually (more towards the end of this year), with Gold Star’s creative directors trying to pull them out of what Gold Star perceives as a rut and keep them competitive by pushing the boundaries with more provocative, badass bu still sexy concepts like they were once known for. It will also contrast with the stricter creative and conceptual boundaries Gold Star’s younger girl groups like Fuse and Femme Fatale are kept within.

Secondly, the two previously unavailable BC Soloist spots have been removed. For BC Soloist 1, with Hyuna signing under P Nation, it’s unclear how often she’ll comeback once she starts releasing music again and the spot has been unavailable for so long now it only feels right to reopen it instead of continuing to wait. In character, this will be handled as a situation where an NPC soloist’s contract (someone who had a similar concept/sound to Hyuna, but not specifically Hyuna’s music anymore) simply ended and the soloist chose not to re-sign with BC Entertainment. This would publicly cause BC Entertainment to take a small hit in stocks, but there’s no major drama to it like there was with Goeun’s departure from Lipstick. BC Soloist 2 is being removed since, in the two years since the roleplay opened, I’ve learned it’s hard to tie soloists who fall further outside of the traditional idol bubble into the world of the roleplay, and BC Soloist 2 is the furthest outside still remaining. In character, for him, his existence as a soloist will be erased entirely from BC’s past instead of having left in-character. Hyuna’s and Dean’s discographies are now available as points claims. This means BC currently has no soloist spots for the time being. If your muse had a claim to a past feature or MV claim to one of those two soloists and you’d like to discuss replacing it, please message me! I may be willing to bend certain aspects of past claims rules to find a replacement if we need to since I’m inconveniencing you!

I’d also like to give a quick reminder to anyone who hasn’t done so lately (and maybe even if you have!) to please remind yourself of the in-character contract guidelines and make sure you (and your muses) are keeping those in mind! They’re important and do apply to everyone unless otherwise stated. Please take some time to refresh your memory of the rules elsewhere within the roleplay if you haven’t lately as well! 

On the subject of the rules, I have a few reminders about the general roleplay rules.

Please remember that while the rules are flexible about OOC posts on the dash to avoid the problems that can arise with a group chat, there are still rules to follow with OOC posts. Make sure to trigger tag OOC posts just as you would a piece of in-character writing (including tags for NSFW content) and don’t make posts about serious out of character conflict or disagreements on the dash, whether they’re direct or indirect.

Tag all NSFW posts as NSFW and put them under a readmore. It’s one little tag and if you aren’t sure whether something is NSFW, do it anyway to be safe. Muses and faceclaims who are minors in South Korea (under 19 international age) shouldn’t be involved in sexual content on the dash in any manner. Likewise, do not use gif icons or photo resources of a faceclaim when they were underage to accompany sexual content and discussions either. Smut is banned for faceclaims and muses who are not yet adults in Korea, and with that comes other discussions and threads of a NSFW context. This includes any flashback threads where a muse would have been under the age of majority at the time. Again, same thing applies for muns under 18. Don’t lie about your age to be able to write explicit sexual content with your muse, as that will result in a permanent ban from the group. In general, just be mindful and use common sense about what’s appropriate and what’s not when it comes to NSFW content.

Do not god mod or meta game. Don’t assume the actions, thoughts, or relationship to your muse of another muse or an established NPC/executive without getting approval first. Don’t assume your muse knows something about another muse that isn’t explicitly public knowledge just because you as a mun have read something about the muse. Just like NSFW tagging, if you aren’t sure, it’s better to be safe than sorry and ask the mun instead of ending up godmodding or metagaming.

Almost lastly, I’d also like to clear up some questions, address some details, and maybe even tackle some natural changes regarding the Exclusive blog. As the roleplay gets bigger, it gets harder to fit in every possible article someone may want for their muse in a timely manner, so please try to keep article requests and submission to major things like claims (if you’re writing your own claim article) or scandals and major plot progression articles (if they’ve been approved). A lot of occurrences that fall outside of that (though not all!) are going to need a viral moment claim to garner an article and be considered newsworthy. I don’t want to bring in super tight, strict limits to what can be used for an article, but please try to consider what might benefit from an official article and what might work better as a headcanon or detail in a self-para. Submitting an article earns a point because those articles are supposed to develop character/career or showcase a development of character/career, so keep that in mind. This reminder wasn’t brought around by any particular occurrence and it’s not been a problem yet, but I did want to put this out there. Since the Exclusive blog has been putting out more posts lately than it had before, now seems like a good time to mention this in passing! Exclusive is intended to be a news source in a similar vein to Dispatch, meaning they may have a reputation for being invasive and having under-the-table deals with companies, but are still a news source as opposed to a fansite or an idol-only outlet. If you’re ever on the fence about whether something might make a good article in that context, feel free to ask and I’ll be happy to answer!

Lastly, though it’s over a month late, I’d like to give every muse who’s currently in the roleplay (and all muns who have read this whole post) a free 5 points on their trackers in honor of our second anniversary that passed at the beginning of April. You can link to this post on your points tracker as the source of the points.

As always, I’m here for any questions, comments or concerns you may have, and thank you to everyone for your continued activity!

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

↬ i drank up all the memories.

date: spring 2019.

location: seoul, south korea.

word count: 1,813 words.

summary: n/a.

notes: creative claims verification. alcohol tw + substance abuse tw. also trigger warning for ash mentally romanticizing his own (and others’, i guess?) substance abuse tendencies. please don’t read this. it might be my worst verification yet.

ash’s drink of choice was a good strong whiskey, but the first drink he’d ever had had been wine. it’d been at a dinner party his parents held and they’d let him sneak a sip. it’d been entirely un-scandalous and about the furthest thing from rebellion possible, but at the time it had felt like the thrill of his life. thirteen years old and unaccustomed to the effects of alcohol besides the way it stung when disinfecting a cut, he had been taken aback by the fizzing sting it brought over his tongue and throat. it wasn’t as bad as it looked when he saw people on television throwing back shot glasses of tequila, but he hadn’t understood at the time why anyone would like it that much. it didn’t taste any better than any other beverage and being drunk couldn’t be that wonderful, he’d naively thought.

now, wine was a drink ash found to be dull. even the most expensive wines weren’t all that amazing in pure taste, and once he’d become a regular drinker, he’d learned it wasn’t about the taste unless you were a wine connoisseur, and that wasn’t a career path ash was going to be going down any time soon. if he wanted to let go of his inhibitions and worries, which was generally the only reason he drank, there were options that were much more effective by the fluid ounce. outside of formal occasions and dinners with mixed company, wine was the drink he only broke out when he wanted to torture himself with the slow burn to a hazy mind instead of the fast and easy path.

ash was a masochist certainly. that wasn’t news to him. he knew all about the difference between the slow pain-easing journey of getting drunk off of wine in place of the fast and burning pain of downing the highest alcohol content shot he could get his hands on. perhaps he should enjoy wine more because of that, but, as a masochist, most nights, he wanted it fast. he didn’t drink for the journey anymore.

yet, there was something to be said for the imagery of someone drowning their melancholy in the gradual fever of a red wine. it was a scene that had been brought to life in many a movie, and it was while watching a movie reclining in his mostly unused living room couch that inspiration struck him for the song. as happened so often in movies that capitalized on dramatic love stories, a man sat in a chair in the dark of his apartment, glass of wine in his hand as he looked over the scenic view of whatever city the film was supposed to be set in. it wasn’t the first time ash had seen the movie, but he’d forgotten the details of the setting as he let the predictable story wash over him unanalyzed.

that had been ash years ago. the drinking age in korea being years lower than in the states had been a helpful accompaniment to the way he’d started young with heartbreak, too.

ash didn’t jump on the song the minute it began to sprout in his mind, but as the first movie turned into another in the mindless marathon of romantic dramas, another similar scene appeared like a sign. this time, the man had chosen a bar as a setting for his melancholy and ash couldn’t stop his brain from gnawing away at the truth behind the cliche. it was easy to drown one’s pain in a drink. ash had done it more times than he could count.

it was after the second scene that ash paused the television and followed the familiar path to his studio. the movie could wait for later, or never if he didn’t feel like coming back to it later, but in the midst of writing an album, any inspiration for a song that came to him so easily needed to be taken advantage of. there were so many nights spent in his own studio on his own or a studio at bc with other producers, brainstorming uselessly for an idea that could spark motivation that forgoing such a convenient offering of lyrical theme would be neglectful of him.

ash slid into the cool seat of his studio chair and pressed the computer on, ideas pulling at the strings of his brain so strongly that he began testing out pressing down chords on the keyboard that wasn’t capable of transferring any of it into sound yet. he heard the keys in his head as he acted out the chord structure and rhythm. he was aiming for the sound of a piano player in a jazz bar, fading into the distance while echoing in the listeners head. ash hadn’t been to many jazz bars in his time. cinema seemed to overestimate their popularity, or there was simply a major discrepancy between their abundance in american cities and seoul. film had taught him the cinematic atmosphere of one, though, and he had enough experience plucking out jazz piano music that it wasn’t too daunting of a feat for him to create a r&b chord progression to play around over top of a more freeform and clashing, tinny piano that would ring out underneath the base melody. throw in some low bass strings and a hollow drum pattern and he had a soundscape to work with before he’d even had time to create a musical outline in his mind. instead, it had all come together naturally based on the setting in his head.

there was a slow burn groove to the composition that teetered on the line between a song that could play under the witty, flirtatious exchange of dialogue during the first meeting between two fated partners in a film just as well as it could play under the scene of one half of the pair seated alone in the same bar months or years later when the passionate affair had completely fallen apart with only treacherous memories and glasses of wine left to poison the mind.

it all played out in his head faster than he could transfer it into his music program, but by the time the sun began to rise outside of his building in the morning—not that he could see it within his studio with its meticulously blacked-out windows—ash was left with an instrumental that had full potential to be turned into something. before he left the studio to shower and get dressed for his schedules for the day, sleep be damned, ash sent the instrumental out to one of his producer contacts for feedback on what it needed to be complete. surely, he hadn’t been able to craft a fully fleshed out track in one night, but he didn’t want to wait and stress over the details for another several nights in a row when what he had now had come to him as such a simple strike of inspiration.

he returned to his studio two nights later and opened up the producer’s response. they’d praised his start, but provided their constructive criticism as ash had welcomed within his initial message. he’d also invited them to include their own edits to the track if they had time, but they hadn’t sent a new file back, either because they hadn’t had time or because they hadn’t found anything they didn’t trust ash wouldn’t fix himself. ash hoped the latter possibility was the truth, but to avoid getting too proud of his own work, he assumed the former. upon listening back to the file, ash played around with production elements that had sounded better in the moment than they did now before settling on contentedness with the track.

that’s where the lyrics came in. he already had a concept in mind and thought it’d been a few days since he’d watched the scenes that had inspired the song, the distance was good. he didn’t want to write words that were too built upon some director’s creative vision for fake characters in a dramatized love story. like most of his songs, ash wanted this one to be more personal than impersonal. placing himself too separate from his own music was a sure way to run into a creative roadblock in his brain, and he’d been told he needed to work on getting better at separating himself so that he could write more diverse music, but for now, he wasn’t looking to challenge himself with someone else’s story.

it had been a while since ash had gone through a break-up or a crack in a relationship big enough to leave him drowning his romantic sorrows in a glass, but if he searched far back enough into the nooks and crannies of his memories, he could gather a recollection of what that feeling had been like. drowning his sorrows in general was a feeling that required much less searching, so he focused in on the imagery of that as he began to sketch out lyrics ideas.

settling on the concept of the bitter memories floating in the wine itself, ash found the first verse of the song. it told a four line story of downing glass after glass of the history-laced liquid to make the past disappear into the abyss because the pain of holding on was too much.

the song then turned into a lament directed at a lover who couldn’t hear him. the false sense of security in shouting into the void while intoxicated had fooled ash once or twice, but the silence never talked back in the way he wanted. it never had the voice of the person he both ached to and feared hearing speak back, and there was both relief and hurt in that fact. instead, the silence only brought back the memories that he’d been so inelegantly trying to banish from his mind.

from misery to resoluteness, that was how the song’s tale ended. the pieces of a broken relationship couldn’t be patched together any easier than the shattered shards of a fragile wine glass, and that was a truth more bitter to swallow than the drink itself. no matter how hard it could be (and how bad ash was at it), it was something that had to be realized to move on.

no one could keep submerging the parts of their mind they wanted to ignore in wine forever. they either had to find a way to float or give in and drown. that was a thought that skirted over the surface of ash’s brain, only staying long enough to be incorporated into the lyrics before swiftly disappearing so as not to be dwelled on too long.

he had to put part of himself into every song, but he didn’t have to face the way those parts tried to look back on him in the mirror of his music.

[abadpoetwithdreams]

Nirvana in Fire Episode 9 Reaction

In just one week I will be taking to the skies yet again, this time to go visit my dear friend ewokshootsfirst for two weeks! So as of this typing I hope to finish this reaction post before I depart, since I do not expect to get any writing done while I am away, but if I don't manage that feat then, um, sorry, and I guess you are reading this in early February instead of mid-January. (Note: GUESS WHAT it's February I literally resumed watching this ep as SOON as I was back in the US and dramafever stopped blocking my videos (I found out even saved-for-offline-viewing videos are unwatchable overseas the hard way, lol). I did write about half of this before my trip, but the rest is post. While very jetlagged.)

Episode nine begins with a focus on a sign that apparently reads Su Residence hanging over a doorway, so this is our cue that Mei Chang Su has, indeed, moved out of the Snow Cottage. Ironically, his new manor is covered with literal snow, as the fall from Jing Rui's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Night has evidently not slowed, but never mind that. I hate that now whenever I see snow falling at night my first thought will be good time for a murder, btw. Thanks, Nirvana in Fire.

There are lots of workers bustling around carrying furniture and sweeping and mending things and doing other busy moving-house work, and in the midst of them in the middle of a snowy courtyard Fei Liu is building a snowman. Or at least he is piling snow up in a shape that might turn into a snowman. Maybe he is building a SnowMeng to destroy. Su is watching him fondly from beneath a sheltering jut of roof. When a man (might be Li Gang, hard to tell from this distance) tells Su he should go inside, because it is too cold for him out of doors (he looks very bundled up in this scene), he says okay and then immediately is like FEI LIU THROW ME A SNOWBALL which is the exact opposite thing to what he just agreed to, sighhhh. So he starts playing catch with Fei Liu in the snow, and it would be adorable because he looks so giddy and happy, but I'm with his household on this one, GET INSIDE AND GET WARM, MCS. Why do even the cute things on this hell show just make me sad??? A woman also scolds him and tells him to go inside (and again he says okay and doesn't budge, behold Actual Child Lin Shu, ladies and gentlemen), but then a fellow named Doctor Yan shows up, and he looks Serious. All it takes is a harrumph from the imposing-looking doctor, and Su guiltily, reluctantly, retreats indoors. This is an oddly charming scene, but of course in typical NiF fashion it's also terribly sad, because it isn't fair, our hero should be able to play in the snow and enjoy the chill air, and it's yet another reminder of how he is caged: in his invalid body, in his false face and persona, in his self-imposed quest for justice. Strangely enough, this scene reminds me of how Jing Rui described how carefree his friend Su was before they returned to the capitol together. For the first time, I can sort of imagine what that would have been like, and it is heartbreaking.

Young Master Lin Chen is so smart to have sent Doctor Yan over, Li Gang says with a smile, as he watches Su re-enter the house. Ahh, Lin Chen, the sword dancer! Nice to hear his name mentioned again, as I have not seen him since episode one and I quite liked him in that ep. Also a reminder that he was the one looking after Su's health, and it would seem that has not changed.

Meanwhile Minister Gao is happily pouring himself a relaxing cup of tea, cheerfully expounding upon how good he feels now that he has handed the murder well case off to the other ministry as Ban Ruo suggested. If he had kept working on that case any longer, he jokes, I'm afraid that this case might still be around but I wouldn't be. His audience, one of his subordinates, laughs politely and then says slightly apologetically that The magistrate of Lantai County seeks an audience. Gao reacts as poorly as might be expected, all happy relaxation feelings gone, but his officer hastens to reassure him that this is nothing like the murder well case. It is simply that people have spotted a beast on Xiaogu Mountain. Wait, what? That has to be relevant to the plot somehow but as of now it just seems really random. Gao says the other man should take care of it on his own, and expresses his fervent wish that no more cases implicating imperial officials pop up. I don't think he will get his wish; not as long as Mei Chang Su lives, anyway.

Now it is time to check in on what Yu is doing! A new character has arrived to meet with him: this is Minister Qi, and I thiiiink he is Yu's ally in the Ministry of Justice, because he reports that Minister Gao took Ban Ruo's hint and sent all case materials to the Ministry of Justice, and Yu responds by saying that now he knows that the case is in Qi's hands he no longer worries about anything. Minister Qi smiles way too much, it's creepy. Well, smile while you can, mister; I am certain MCS will come for you eventually! Qi reminds Yu that if they manage to take down Lou Zhi Jing then Yu will be able to hopefully install one of his supporters in the highly influential Minster of Revenue position, further growing his political power. Yu definitely knows this already, so this is just early-episode exposition to remind the viewer of where the stakes are in this situation.

Cut to: Mei Chang Su again, and AHH I LOVE THIS SCENE. Mainly because it introduces what is one of my favourite bits of MCS Extraness™ so far, namely, the game pieces. Yeah, that's what I want to call them: these wooden tiles carved with a lot of writing I obviously can't read. Are they supposed to be a visual nod to mahjong, with its eliminating pairs of pieces from the gameboard? (Since as is revealed in this scene, Su is balancing how he is crippling CP and Yu by taking out their allies in even matches?) Anyway, he is holding two of them meditatively, as he sits in his new manor, and when Meng shows up to ask what he is plotting (hi, Meng!), Su begins to lay out the rules of this deadly game he is playing with the powerful officials in government.

Yu and the Crown Prince are vying for the throne, says Su. We know this. He then goes on to elaborate, however: each prince has equal power over the six ministries of government. We already know CP has Revenue and Yu has Justice, but now we have confirmation that this equal balance exists. Meng, listening, suddenly frowns and stoops closer: there on the table are six wooden tiles, each painted with the name of a ministry. THE GAME IS AFOOT, WATSON. I LOVE THIS. It's both really cool, a very clever and dramatic visual way of helping the viewer keep track of what is surely about to become a very very complicated game of politics, but also just a little chilling to see Su literally reduce people in the capitol to pieces in his game. Is there a tile with Jing Rui's name on it because I wouldn't be surprised. Just disappointed.

Meng lays each piece out and says what each is, which I appreciate because dramafever wasn't subtitling the tiles themselves and for an instant I was worried I'd have to track down online translations for them (I have tried to avoid any and all googling related to this show because I'm terrified of spoilers). The Ministries are:

Justice, Personnel, and Public Works (Yu's team) Revenue, Justice, and Rites (CP's team)

Not sure why Justice is listed on both sides, unless they are different branches of it or something. Or just a subtitle thing again. Guess I'll find out as I go along.

Meng pauses, considering the tiles, and then looks up at Su, who has been watching him in silence. You are thinking about cutting off their supporters one by one? he asks, looking, I think, a bit concerned. Su smiles like this is a private joke, then replies that he isn’t just getting rid of the six ministries (JUST the six ministries, oh yeah, because obviously that would be underachieving), he is getting rid of our old friend the Duke of Qing (who has been haunting the doings on this show ever since the beginning of episode one!) and the Marquis of Ning as well. Military? Meng asks, and Su confirms. He is looking not just to destabilize the powers that be in government: he means to utterly tear them down. Lin Shu has come home to ruin the lives of everyone who wronged him and to raise up the righteous and guys I'm getting emotional about this I have to move on.

As we already know, the Marquis supports CP and the Duke of Qing supports Yu, keeping that balance of power equal. And now Su starts illustrating to Meng how he has started to tear his foes apart, all the while carefully keeping that balance so that they do not suspect: the Minister of Revenue, Lou Zhi Jing, is done for after the whole Orchid Garden scandal, taking out one person from team CP. And how does Su illustrate this? By picking up Revenue's tile, considering it for a moment, and then casually tossing it into the brazier so it can burn there and keep him warm. Lin Shu is my favourite drama queen, this is so unnecessary and yet so satisfying. BuRN THEM BURN THEM ALL

Furthermore, he reminds both Meng and us the viewers, the Duke of Qing has also been taken down, so that's one less ally for Yu. Su allows himself a tiny smile at this one, and then yep, into the brazier the tile goes. Prince Yu might still want to fight for his ally, though, says Su, and even more ironically he might come to Su for help in that fight. And then, with perfect comedic timing cutting the tension of this scene: in comes a servant announcing that Yu has just arrived for a visit. Meng is impressed by Su's predictive skills, but you can just see the animation leave Su's face, and indeed his entire body; he visibly sags, steeling himself. He may have anticipated the visit, but he is not happy about having to deal with Yu again. He was enjoying showing off to Meng, I think; enjoying being able to share his plans with a friend he can trust.

Meng says ah, I will go into hiding before Yu comes in, and I was honestly a bit disappointed he didn't just do the ol' lampshade over the head and stand in a corner bit or whatever the equivalent of that is in ancient fantasy China, but he exits to hide much more sensibly and now we cut to see Yu stepping down from his carriage at Su's door, and he is wearing this giant collar of almost blue fur, his outfit is exquisite. Oh, and we also see Su return his wooden tiles to where he stores them in a plain wooden box at his side, while meanwhile the Duke of Qing and Minister of Revenue are burning merrily away in the brazier. Still totally legible, by the way, but this doesn’t seem to worry Su so I won’t let it worry me either (but can you imagine how amazing it would be if Yu noticed, ahahaha).

They talk about the Duke of Qing case a little and Yu tries to act like, oh, that's all water under the bridge, no hard feelings. But then he makes a formal bow (!) and asks Su for help on the case! Father has already formally summoned Prince Jing today to appoint him in charge of trying the case, says Yu. Su does a very good fake surprise reaction at hearing this.

(We are also treated to a glorious little scene that basically just consists of the Minister of Justice scurrying to welcome Prince Jing to his office and praising Jing for his military service and commenting on what an honor it is to have him visit (lies) and not-so-subtly asking why are you here instead of resting on your time off from the battlefields? and then Jing turns around with icy deliberation and just fixes him and his sycophancy with the most deadpan, scathing Look, and WELCOME BACK JINGYAN I HAVE MISSED YOU SO)

Back at Su's house he asks Yu: didn't you or the Crown Prince protest Jing taking control of this case? Yu looks unhappy as he admits that the Emperor has forbidden them from getting involved, and further that whatever Jing decides will probably go in the Crown Prince's favor (since, remember, Yu's ally is in the wrong here, and Jing will always be fair). But Yu cannot do anything to interfere, or his dad would be very upset. He also admits that he is worried because he cannot bribe/influence that stubborn Prince Jing anyway LOL. That's my boy!

Su looks a little proud of that stubborn Prince Jing but he does remind Yu that Jing owes him a favor (for shielding him from punishment in the Ni Huang case). Yu just huffs a small, disparaging laugh at that:

You might not know what my seventh brother is like. I have never sen anyone in Imperial Court who is as thickheaded and behaves more like an old fogey. Not even father can handle him at times. I'm afraid that small favor isn't enough to make him obey me.

Priceless. Mei Chang Su, listening to Yu's analysis of Jing, looks increasingly amused, but manages to hold himself in check. He also fidgets a bit with his right hand (all these closeups of Hu Ge's hands are killing me btw I always love watching how people use their hands in film and his are so nice. Yes, I guess I have two fixations on this show: Su's hands and Jing's eyebrows.) which I guess is significant since the camera focuses on it but I don't know why. Maybe that's his tell when he's thinking hard, I'll have to pay more attention in future.

Su says So essentially you want me to somehow control Jing to make sure the Duke is spared punishment? Yu leans forward eagerly: that is exactly what he wants, and if Su can do it, Prince Yu will be extremely grateful. Su keeps fidgeting with that hand. Maybe it's more just a tell of when he wants to kill someone lol

Meanwhile, Jing is making the Minister of Justice's life miserable by reciting the protocol for the trial at him, demanding proper preparations be made, and announcing his Imperial-ordained authority over the trial. Qi tries to bluster and delay by saying he hasn't received any orders from the Emperor yet, so he cannot start doing what Jing says until he gets said orders! Jing blinks, taken aback a bit: I AM the Imperial order, I just told them to you right now, he says. That's not the same as actually seeing official paperwork, Qi simpers, and it's easy to see why he likes Yu, they are both super slimy. Look, Prince Jing, he says, in a very insincere show of apology, I wish I could start helping right away and it isn't like I WANT to make you look bad, it's just that official protocol says I cannot do what you say until I get the paperwork. Aw what a shame. Oh, and also I am already busy with many important cases and am understaffed etc. etc. so you might have to wait a while to get this case started anyway! Poor Jing looks very put out, but he cannot exactly argue. How long does Qi need to prep the case? he asks. Oh, not too many days, Qi replies. It should only take maybe two weeks? How does two weeks sound? I hate Qi. Jing considers, then steps forward. The official paperwork will arrive tomorrow, and I will return here then, he says. By then, think carefully before you answer me. And then he just WALKS like a BOSS out of there, knocking Qi deliberately aside with his shoulder as he goes and totally ignoring the Minister of Justice's attempts at speaking to him further. He's so sick of having to deal with this horrid little man already and he hasn't even properly started the job yet, poor Jing.

Back with Su and Yu: Su tells the prince that what he is asking for is a dead end path. When Yu is confused, Su explains: Yu is very powerful and has everything going for him but he has forgotten the most important rule: that there is one person against whom you must never set yourself, namely, the Emperor. Yu leaps to his feet, alarmed. What? Su is mistaken; he would NEVER go against his father's will! This is a big deal not just because obviously one must not cross one's emperor, but also the emperor is Yu's father so doing anything against him is a huge crime against his filial responsibility as well as his political allegiance. No wonder Yu has such a violent reaction to Su accusing him of such an act.

Our Mei Chang Su, however, is unfazed. Who do you think demanded that Qing be tried to begin with? he asks Yu. Do you think it was the Crown Prince or Jing? No; it was the Emperor, and thus if you try to interfere with the outcome of the trial in anyway you are setting yourself against not one of your brothers but against the Emperor himself. DO look at the big picture, Yu.

Yu sinks back down, shaken. Is there really no solution? Yu asks. Su shakes his head: The Duke of Qing is a lost cause, he says, and I think Your Highness knows it. (This is intercut with the Duke of Qing and his family being dragged out of their house in chains, to emphasize just how Doomed he is.) Yu takes a bracing gulp of tea and says he does not think Su understands just how important Qing is to him. Oh, I do, says Su, with a slight chuckle (you have NO idea, Yu). Yu starts to question why Su left the Marquis' manor so quickly: surely there must be a reason? Su dodges the question, and Yu backs off a little disappointed, but then vows that as long as you are willing to favor me, the gates of my manor will always be open for you. Su doesn't exactly look thrilled by this promise, but that's just what he gets for his deceptions working so well. I'm pretty sure in the novel I remember him literally throwing up after spending time talking with Yu because Yu nauseates him literally that much, so I like imagining that that expression is just his fighting not to hurl face. All of Mei Chang Su and Yu's conversations are made even better by just keeping in mind that Su is spending them fighting not to literally vomit.

We meet yet another new character: Lie Zhan Ying, Jing's adjudant general! He works with Jing so I automatically like him. He also has something of Jing's straightforward, no-nonsense mannerisms, which is a nice way to remind us of the divide between the political and the pugilist lifestyles, I love all the attention to detail in this show. Ying has arrived at whichever political building is holding the plaintiffs in the Duke of Qing case, to collect them and bring them to Jing's manor. The official who meets him at the door is wholly obliging, in stark contrast to Minister Qi's attitude towards Jing earlier. This official also mentions that the Crown Prince sent a message saying Prince Jing is going to all this trouble, so we mustn't hinder him. He also mentions how We are all working for the Emperor here, so basically Mei Chang Su was 100% correct in his advice to Yu and Yu has dodged a bullet by taking his advice and not trying to mess with the case. His meddling would have been VERY obvious and would have made him look VERY bad.

We return to Su and Yu, the former of whom is apparently walking the latter out. Yu takes a moment to ask if there is any further advice that Mei Chang Su wishes to impart? In my opinion, replies the very innocent and unbiased Divine Talent, it's best for Your Highness to abandon Duke of Qing State now and support Prince Jing. YOU SNEAKY CAD I LOVE YOU. (Sidenote: I forget if I mentioned this before, but the lighting work in this drama is delightful. This scene, for example, looks so very cold even without the clouds of breath curling up when the actors speak, it's lit so everything and everyone looks so frozen and sharp and blue. I'm yelling at my screen for Su to go put that gorgeous fur collar back on, even Yu is wearing his furs for goodness' sake, BEHAVE, LIN SHU.)

Yu is taken aback but considers. Jing is a prince, he says, and is acting under Imperial decree. No one, therefore, would think to stand against him; what does he need Yu's support for? Okay, so he has seemingly conveniently forgotten that that is EXACTLY what HE was planning to do just a few minutes ago. After a moment he grudgingly concedes that Minister Qi miiiiiiight stall things a bit, but that is all. Su, who totally eye rolled when Yu played innocent, shakes his head with a smile. Certainly Jing might need the support of the Ministry of Justice for the case, he says, but he isn't just talking about this mess with Qing. He is talking of all the days to come. And I start cackling at the look on Yu's serious duped face because I swear, if Mei Chang Su successfully tricks Prince Yu into supporting Prince Jing and aiding in his ascension to power, I will laugh myself SICK. THIS IS SO GOOD.

Su calmly explains that there will be more cases to be tried after Qing, and many of them will undoubtedly involve powerful families and wealthy landowners like the Duke. How could Prince Jing handle that alone? If Prince Yu were to throw his political weight behind Jing, then not only would Jing truly owe him on a scale that he could not ignore, but the Emperor would also be pleased because this would help him in implementing his agricultural policy. It is a win-win, Yu! Listen to the Divine Talent!

Sooo . . . you are having me draw Prince Jing over to my side? Yu asks slowly. My cackling intensifies.

Yep, that is correct, Su says, and with a touch of smugness: I have been planning this since the Ni Huang incident.

Yu is most impressed. He presses Su to tell him what the point of this strategy is. Su answers easily: What is the fuss about losing the Duke of Qing State? In terms of military power would two Dukes of Qing State even make up for one Prince Jing? OH, BRILLIANT. When presented like that, it make SO much sense! If you can get Jing on your side everyone is always on about his stubbornness and his lack of subtlety, so he would be the ideal ally. Plus, everyone (Yu and CP included) keep overlooking him because he has zero political power. But he has spent his entire adult life building military power. So of COURSE he would be more valuable a military ally than Qing! LIN SHU I LOVE YOU. AGAIN.

Prince Yu spends a full ten seconds silently having his mind blown (yes, I timed them, because his myriad of baffled/astonished/delighted expressions was HILARIOUS to watch, all hail this actor) but he emerges out the other side with a giddy smile. If I could win Prince Jing over, that would be great! He exclaims excitedly, before sobering a little to add that but judging by his temperment he wouldn't obey my orders to summon the army when I need him. LOLOL I WANT TO SEE THAT AU PLEASE.

Again, Su looks pretty amused by this read on Jing's character. He reminds Yu, however: why on earth would Yu ever need an army? Is he planning on taking the throne by force? WHAT? NO THAT IS CRAZY TALK, says a very worried Yu. That's right, Su. Play him like a fiddle.

We interrupt this scene to enjoy a temper tantrum being thrown by good ol' CP, who is raging about how Yu has essentially done in Lou Zhi Jing. Fine, then, he shouts, I will make certain he loses the Duke of Qing, too! And thus he is following neatly the path Su has laid out for him, effectively disguising the hand of Mei Chang Su in all this. The Marquis, much calmer (he always worries me, he is too clever), says CP doesn't have to worry about the Duke; even if Yu dared try to meddle in the trial, Prince Jing wouldn't back down. The Duke is doomed. Similarly, though, the Marquis points out, Lou Zhi Jing is also definitely going to be convicted of his various disgusting crimes. This means that the position of Minister of Revenue will soon be vacant! If CP acts fast, he can recommend one of his allies to the position before Yu can and thus can take control of that political seat and tip the scales in his favor. CP is mollified by this, but then goes on to scoff at the Marquis' urging that he not be anxious:

As long as Mei Chang Su exists how can I possibly remain calm? No matter where he moves to, you have to get rid of him!

Uh, oh. The Crown Prince storms off and the Marquis does not look unduly bothered by the order. Ugh, Jing Rui, you deserve so much better but your father is a toad.

Back with Yu and MCS, Su is continuing to remind Yu of his place. In the capital His Majesty is in charge of the Palace Guards. Commander General Meng watches over the palace. Should anything go wrong, who would have the chance to launch an attack once the Imperial decree was made? Yu looks so intensely uncomfortable. You're right, he admits to Su. Su reminds him the goal now should be to gain the Emperor's favor.

As to who gets military support, it's just a matter of perspective. What's the point of having [Jing] obey your every word? Even if we were to say at the least that should Crown Prince one day seek to hatch an evil plot and put His Majesty in danger, or to go against his decree, judging from Prince Jing's personality would he wait to be summoned by you to defend His Majesty?

Yu thinks this over, sighs, and agrees. Prince Jing prides himself on being righteous, he says disapprovingly. Oh, Yu. Su reminds him that helping Jing doesn't mean doing anything grandoise, just--be friendlier. It seems I will have to pay a visit to Prince Jing's manor tomorrow for your sake, Su says. He explains basically that Jing is super dumb when it comes to politics and so he must himself intercede to Jing on Yu's behalf to let him know what's up, otherwise Jing probably wouldn't even recognize any favors Yu does for him. Su is so mean when talking about Jing, he must love him very much. Also, this is hilarious that he has justified his comings and goings to Jing's manor to his enemy like this, so now when Yu sees Su with Jing he will just be happy and think they are working for him, while they are all the while working together to burn him down. Yu even bows to Su in gratitude, thanking him for his hard work, and if Yu wasn't such a hateful snake of a man I would feel very sorry for him right now. But he is, so I don't. Plus Su's blank, dead-eyed expression as he accepts this wholly misplaced gratitude has me laughing. He looks like he is 0.0005 seconds away from just turning to the camera and breaking the fourth wall like he's on The Office. Yu also pledges to be personally responsible for Su's safety, no matter what CP and the Marquis try. How many birds has Su killed with this one stone of a conversation? Lots of birds.

Yu magnanimously says Su does not have to walk him out, as he is an invalid and it is still very cold and wet; melting snow or rain or both has been dripping from the rafters of these scenes for quite some time now. Su watches him depart, and then Li Gang rushes up with The Fur and it's like the sight of the thick cloak reminds Su that he is cold; where moments before he had been holding himself with perfect ease around Yu, he now shivers and clutches the cloak close. I am very grateful to Li Gang for taking care of my boy. I wonder if Su deliberately ordered his men not to give him any warm wraps until after Yu left, for appearance's/pride's sake.  The two men return inside, and Su explains to a wondering Li Gang that he had to spend a very long time talking with Yu because Yu is difficult to deal with: he is very meticulous. Interesting.Whenever Su admits anyone is a challenge to manipulate I feel like I'm marking off this character checklist in my head: knowing that Su feels he has to tread carefully when speaking with Yu, for example, will add a nice layer of tension in their future meetings.

What is heartbreaking about this conversation is it is one of the few times we have so far where Su really does seem to be at his limit. He just seems so very tired--mentally from the intricate net he had to weave to catch Yu in, emotionally from having to pretend to be so cordial and mild-mannered around Yu when probably all he wants to do is stab Yu in the eye repeatedly (or, like, shoot him in the eye with an arrow, I suppose, wasn't it mentioned that Lin Shu's weapon of choice was the bow? A super awesome choice, by the way, as it is yet another shade of character depth: our hero's specialty was ranged weaponry and now here he is in the thick of the action in the capitol having to deal with all his enemies up close and personal. Just a fun little note), and physically because of the whole, you know, not-so-slowly-dying thing. Let the man rest! Where did that grumpy doctor go??

And, alas, Mei Chang Su cannot take the time to rest. Already he is moving onto the next stage of his plan: he tells Li Gang as they walk along (with Li Gang carefully supporting his boss, I am so grateful for this man) that he needs to visit Prince Jing tomorrow. Oh, and that he will also be bringing some golden chainmail. Whaaaat? Is it going to be dangerous? a very alarmed Li Gang exclaims. Su indulges first in a solid couple seconds of flat, disappointed staring, and then with a most massive eyeroll and silent sigh before he begins explaining, poor exhausted man. This is why he needs someone like Ni Huang on his side, someone similarly brilliant to himself and capable of making the same intellectual leaps he does, so that he does not have to constantly be explaining himself all the time. He just looks and sounds so Done.

The chainmail is to be a gift for little Ting Sheng, he says. That's super cute. But Li Gang disapproves, saying such a gift will be too suspicious coming from the East Yangtze Alliance leader. True, true. But it is odd that Su had not considered that; another sign seemingly of how worn thin he is right now. He asks Li Gang what he should do then (again, odd that he is asking someone else's advice, I cannot recall him doing that before??) but before Li Gang can come up with an alternative (he looks pretty stumped) Su calls Fei Liu (who was chilling on the rooftop, as one does) and tells him he will be giving a gift to Ting Sheng tomorrow. When Li Gang starts trying to comment on this plan, stating and restating the obvious about how Fei Liu is so eccentric no one will think such a valuable gift weird, Su juSt LIFTS his hand without even looking to coVER LI GANG'S MOUTH MID-SENTENCE, silencing him, and then he has the gall to look grumpily at his hand and SHAKE it like "EEW" BEFORE WALKING OFF he is so DONE LIN SHU IS DONE WITH TODAY HIS PEOPLE WOULDN'T LET HIM PLAY IN THE SNOW AND THEN HE HAD TO SPeND HOUrs PRETENDING TO LIKE PRINCE YU AND HE JUST HATES EVERYTHING I LOVE HIM SO MUCHHHH. WHAT AN ICON.

Then we get a hilarious scene where Minister Qi happily reports to Yu that he stalled Jing and sent him away earlier and it was so easy because Jing is a political idiot hohohoho and then Yu steps forward menacingly and is all Who told you to make him leave? and Qi suddenly realizes with a look of absolute horror that he did the Wrong Thing and it's beautiful. This show is so sad and so intense and so emotionally complex and then it every so often just turns into this terrific comedy of errors (that scene with the two princes madly competing for Su's attention at the combat trials always comes to mind as a brilliant example of this) and its so? Funny? This show is a GIFT.

Cut to the Marquis of Ning's manor at night, presumably that night! He has a headache. His son in law--Jing Rui's brother-in-law but also maybe Actual Brother because this family is so messed up, the pugilist dad son whose name I forget--shows up to report that he has sent out some men. Are you confident this time? asks the Marquis. Based on earlier goings on I'm guessing this is yet another attempt on the Divine Talent's life. Over at Su's manor, he is trying to convince a very disapproving Fei Liu that golden chainmail is a good present for Ting Sheng. Once he explains that Ting Sheng is not as good a fighter as Fei Liu and thus chainmail is something he will both like and actually find useful, Fei Liu is sold, and as always I really enjoy this scene between just the two of them, but then they hear a commotion. Go ahead, Su tells a suddenly alert Fei Liu, who darts off. Su then deliberately starts reading a book and ignoring the various sounds of fierce combat coming from outside, lol. Or at least trying to ignore; he's probably just trying to distract himself since he can't go join in. Li Gang eventually reports that all intruders were killed, so so much for the Marquis' second assassination attempt!

Next day we see Su stepping down from a carriage at the gates of Jing's manor. The Sad Music is back and he's got that awful heartbreaking Look on his face again--the one he had when Ni Huang led him to his old house, the one he had when royal grandma ripped my heart out. So I immediately am like OH NO and I try to brace myself for something soul-crushing. But you know what I have learned? You cannot brace yourself for any of the pain this show inflicts. If Nirvana in Fire wants you to hurt, then by golly you are going to HURT, and there is nothing you can do to prevent that.

Because we suddenly get a freaking FLASHBACK. A FLASHBACK YOU GUYS. We haven't had any flashbacks before except to the battle where Lin Shu fell off that cliff!!! And now out of NOWHERE we see a 17-yr-old Jing SMILINGGGGGGG ANd LIN SHU IS WITH HIM AND LIKE IT'S SO CUtE I CAN'T THEY'RE RuNNING UP tHE STePS TO THE GATe AND NOOOOOOOO

AND WANG KAI'S V.O. SOuNDS SO DIFFERENT FROM HIS USUAL JING VOICE It'S SO HAPPY???? MY BOYS WERE HAPPY THEY WERE FREAKING BEST FRIENDS I KNEW IT I kNEW IT and LIN SHU WWAS SO CUUUUUTE LOOK AT THEMMMMM

(Also like they're wearing the same colors so I love that visually, obviously, but also lol Lin Shu changed his WHOLE physical appearance somehow to disguise himself but his clothing is EXACTLY the same what a loser)

So the gist of the V.O. is that my fave boys were each other's fave boys too and Jing got this mansion when he was just 17 and eagerly assured Lin Shu that as far as he is concerned it is Lin Shu's as well because Shu is is best friend and what is his is theirs as far as he is concerned and omg someone make these tears stop

(ALSO he mentions that Prince Qi was the one who found the place for him! How much older was Qi than these two when he died? My impression is old enough to be the impressive cool role model but young enough that they felt personally close to him too. I'm gonna guess mid-20s????)

The flashback ends with the camera lingering to watch the shades of these two laughing, affectionate, bright-faced boys running side by side through the gate and up to the house, running away from us, as we can do nothing but watch them rush blithely forward, knowing what horrible, unfair futures await them. It's so mean, and so effective. I LOVE it. I'm also left shaken not only by the unexpected glimpse of what Lin Shu and Jing's past lives were like and what they both have lost, but by the certainty that this short flashback must surely mean there are MORE flashbacks coming in future and OH NO but also OH yES GIVE ME ALL THE PAIN.

We return to present-day Lin Shu, who is standing gazing up those stairs, watching his past self disappear. This place hasn't changed at all, he says, quietly. It's just like how it was back then. MY HEART.

And now here comes Jing to greet his guest. He bows coldly but politely, and Mei Chang Su pays his respects too. I am in agony. Ting Sheng is very cute and bows all the way to the ground for Su, his savior, and Su helps him up with a smile and he's so sweet with kids you guys

Ting Sheng really lights up when he sees Fei Liu, who proudly bestows his gift on the kid. When Jing realizes what the gift is, he bristles and tries to give it back to Su, saying it is too valuable a present. And Su, wholly innocently, says the gift isn't from him, for goodness' sake, it is from Fei Liu, so go talk to him about it instead! Poor Jing is so confused by this, clearly unsure of how to deal with Fei Liu. The latter of whom promptly snatches the chain mail back from Jing's hands and plops it firmly back in Ting Sheng's arms. Su watches, not even bothering to hide his amusement, and Jing after a moment's inward struggle gives up and invites Su inside, effectively allowing Ting Sheng to keep the chainmail after all. Point to Mei Chang Su! The boys scamper off to play together or fight together or whatever and their fake dads head inside for their own meeting.

(Jing's outfit is especially beautiful today, btw. I missed you, Wang Kai.)

Jing introduces Su to his guard as his friend Su Zhe, and then the two of them retreat further to Jing's private study. Along the way, Su is plainly eating up the place with his eyes, these halls must be full of ghosts for him. He pauses to look out over a courtyard, and Jing pauses too, to confess that all those men they spoke with had been present when Su's arrival was announced: they had wanted to see the famous Su Zhe for themselves. So we took a detour? Su supplies, with mild good humor. Jing's subtly changing expressions here are a marvel: slight embarrassment at being found out, relief that Su is not affronted, a momentary glance of reevaluation like he is sizing up Su again, and then even a small smile as he relaxes just a little. Is our favourite prince warming up to the Divine Talent a little? Time will tell, I suppose! But this tiny exchange is certainly the closest thing to friendliness that has passed between these two so far, and contrasted with that flashback it's like a punch to the gut. Also, the MUSIC. The Sad Music is playing again, but it's being played by a flute or whistle or something instead of the deep strings that usually play it, so it feels tremulous and hopeful instead of melancholic and that makes it even worse and also sooooo much better. Once again, I take a moment to rage at how this OST isn't available to buy anywhere that I can find.

Anyway, they get to the study and it's very sweet how Jing notices Su looks unwell and inquires after his comfort and calls for one of his men to bring in more braziers to heat the room when Su says he is cold because remember Jing doesn't even LIKE Su. He is just a Good Boy. He also congratulates Su on his recent move, because apparently Mu Qing is a gossip and told Jing all about it, ahaha. Su tells Jing the reason for his visit is to express goodwill on behalf of Prince Yu: Jing will now be able to run the trial of the Duke of Qing without any difficulties. Okay, but that is what I was going to do anyway, says Jing, because of course he does. Su wryly asks whether Minister Qi had been helpful? It doesn't matter if he has, Jing responds, stubbornly unfazed. Whether he cooperates or not the case will still be tried the way it should be. He is so totally out of his depth, bless his heart. Su looks so--not happy, but lighter. Jing's unshakeable, forthright virtue must be so refreshing. The contrast between his demeanor in this conversation and his frayed-thin, irritable behavior the previous day is very obvious.

Meanwhile, Ting Sheng is proudly giving Fei Liu a tour of his new home. They go to the military training ground, where Ting Sheng says he spends most of his time. Sometimes even Prince Jing himself comes to train him, he says, and ugh that is the cutest mental image ever. Fei Liu snorts: Jing is a poor fighter, he tells his erstwhile student, in a tone that implies he thinks Ting Sheng deserves better, and Ting Sheng doesn't even defend Jing, he just grins in agreement because if Fei Liu says it then it MUST be true. I adore these kids' friendship and pray nothing bad happens to them in future. It's weird and cute and sort of sad seeing how simple their lives are, largely oblivious to all the machinations all around them and even involving them.

Li Gang, however, tries to hush Fei Liu and remind him to be respectful, and Fei Liu of course responds by elaborating: even General Meng is better than Prince Jing! (Somewhere, Meng probably feels suddenly cheerful and doesn't know why.) Li Gang tries to do more damage control, so Fei Liu continues on: I'm the best, he says. It isn't even bragging, he just says it like it is the obvious truth. One of Jing's commanders overhears this and looks very annoyed by it, to put it mildly. Uh, oh.

Back in Jing's study, Mei Chang Su is quizzing him about how he views the case. Jing lays out how he has examined the evidence and it's simple in his eyes: the Duke is obviously guilty. Su plays a sort of game with Jing by playing devil's advocate and tossing a variety of excuses and loopholes at him and Jing manages to thwart them all: the Duke is guilty, and justice will be served. Su is impressed and very proud of his (former????) friend. Then Su lays out some BRILLIANT advice to Jing: basically, Jing is going to continue to judge over cases that involve wealthy landowners, right? And a lot of them will be guilty of the same crimes as the Duke. But Su says Jing should be careful not to punish them all the same way, even if their criems are the same. Why? Because if they were all punished the same, they would feel commonly wronged by the Emperor and might form an alliance against him, united by a shared anger. If there is no apparent pattern to the severity of the punishment, however, then the landowners will be jealous of/suspicious of each other, and will be focused more on comparing their lot with that of their neighbors', and they will not be unified. BRILLIANT, I SAY. Jing agrees with the wisdom in this plan. Su recommends he lets off some of Yu's guilty allies lightly as a way of saying thanks to Yu for his support. Jing frowns: Yu should be fighting to save the Duke of Qing right now. Why is he instead helping Jing take down his own ally? You are now very important to him, Su smiles, slightly sarcastically. Jing mulls this over. This is all thanks to you, he tells Su. And he should thank him, but . . . Jing does not want people to think that he is friends with or supporting Prince Yu. He doesn't want to side with either of his terrible brothers. Su tries to assure him that people will understand, but Jing is not appeased.

What others might think is not my concern, he clarifies. However, the spirits of heroes still linger. I don't want them to think that I have finally surrendered to the others.

Su tries to comfort him: Since they were once heroes, they will know who you truly are. Jing does not look convinced in the slightest. HOW has he survived all these years surrounded by enemies and ghosts, never able to forget either?

Su stands up and paces the room a little to try to ease some stiffness and numbness in his legs, and then he approaches a bow that is displayed on its own plinth in the room and this is it, even after the flashback, THIS is the moment of this episode that kills me. Because immediately my whole brain is just OMG THAT MUST BE LIN SHU'S BOW FREAKING JING HAS KEPT IT ALL THIS TIME

Su reaches out to touch it, and Jing, who had been concerned about Su's discomfort because he is a Good Boy, immediately SNAPS at him: Don't touch it! Su freezes. Jing leaps to his feet. Badpoet dies.

Su almost whispers his apology, and Jing approaches him, with a very visible hitch in his breathing as he tries to settle himself after his sudden alarm and impulsive reaction. He looks as though he is fighting down the adrenaline rush of only barely avoiding a tragedy. Perhaps he did. But shaken as he is he also looks a little sorry for yelling harshly at his invalid guest. Jingmum raised him right.

Jing tries to explain, his eyes drawn to the bow almost as if against his will: Please don't take it to heart. This once belonged to my late friend. When he was alive, he never liked to have his belongings touched by strangers. Oh, my gosh, he isn't even so protective of this weapon because it is important or of sentimental value to HIM, it's because Lin Shu hated people touching his stuff, and Jing is a Good Friend, a Best Friend, and Su's face, hidden from Jing, looks like he, like Jing, is remembering for a moment this kid who cared about dumb stuff like that, this kid who was Jing's best friend and who is now dead, who lived a life happy enough that such small things could MATTER to him, and then he swallows hard, and bows to Jing, and apologizes for his rudeness, and this is It I CAN'T I CAN'T WHAT IS THIS SHOW HOW HAS IT MADE ME CARE SO MUCH IN JUST NINE EPISODES HOW CAN IT POSSIBLY DRAG ME DOWn FARTHER IN LIKE FIFTY MORE HOW DID ANy OF YOU WHo HAVE WATCHED THE ENTIRE THING EMERGE BREATHING ON THE OTHER SIDE

(Somewhere there exists a happier timeline where Jing tells Mei Chang Su not to touch the bow because Lin Shu hated strangers touching his stuff and Su says okay and then makes his most trollish eye contact with Jing and deliberately starts touching the bow as much as he dang well pleases and that is how Jing finds out Lin Shu and Mei Chang Su is the same person the end)

Meanwhile, a decent distance away from all this misery and bro-angst, the indignant commander at the training grounds is demanding who Fei Liu is since he thinks he is good enough to insult Jing. I'm Fei Liu, the boy replies, as if that is all the answer necessary, and as it turns out--it is! Another of Jing's men recognizes the name as the fighter who arrived with the Lord of the East Yangtze Alliance. The one who defeated Xia Dong and held his own against Meng! Yep, that's me, Fei Liu affirms. Everyone looks very impressed. We also get a scene with Fei Liu taking out some challengers to show off his skills to Jing's men, best moment being where he grabs two men charging at him by the spers they are wielding and just smashes them onto the ground, aha. He's escalating the situation, basically. I wonder if Su was counting on that to happen.

Also meanwhile, at the palace, Yu and CP are arguing in front of the Emperor about who to make the new Minister of Revenue and oh this levity is SO NEEDED my soul is revived by CP's indignant squeak at Yu and the Emperor's fed up You have been arguing for more than an hour now LOL I swear at least half the Emperor's scenes so far have just been him watching his sons squabble. I would feel bad for the Emperor, except for what he did to Jingmum, so I don't. He deserves this. Also I guess he is also somewhat responsible for whatever ruined Lin Shu's life so he doubly-deserves this. He dismisses the princes, who walk out very quickly after glaring at each other sidelong. I would so not be surprised if the instant they are out of sight they start pulling each other's hair or pinching each other or whatever. They fight like preschoolers.

After they are gone, some random official starts telling the Emperor that the princes had the right to express their opinions like that as the question of who will take the position of Minister of Revenue is a very important and pressing one. The Emperor concedes that point but also angrily indicates the massive stack of names in front of him on his table: he has too many people to choose from! The official says someone named Shen Chui is acting as interim Minister of Revenue so he can hold down the fort for now, don't worry about it. The Emperor suddenly narrows his eyes, interested. Shen Chui? he repeats. Aaaaand--end of episode!

A weird ending, but I remember reading somewhere that these episodes aired two at a time, so with that in mind it makes more sense. I don't know why the Emperor is interested in this name, but I know I will find out next time. In the meantime I'm still reeling from all the Jing and MCS goodness in this episode. I missed Jingyan the last couple episodes but he came back with a vengeance for this one, and I am SO excited for wherever the show is taking him and his weird relationship with Su-who-is-secretly-Shu. Terrified, yes, but also EXCITED. Next episode is episode 10 and I am officially in the double digits! Nine episodes of emotional trauma down, sooooooo many more to go. BRING IT.

[attackinganxiety]

Mental Health and Me #2

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read the first part of my story and/or messaged me about it - it's incredibly appreciated.

The next part deals with my eating disorder. It will mention behaviours and thoughts that I had but will not mention numbers. If you are easily triggered, then please do not read.

This was very difficult for me to write - and even more difficult to post! My anxiety is something I have accepted over the years, learned to embrace and navigate life with, but my eating disorder is not something I have ever really learned how to accept. Writing the words my eating disorder causes my anxiety to rise - it doesn't feel like me. I have never felt comfortable talking about it, even after three years behaviour free, because, mentally, I still struggle with the thoughts of not being good enough and the person staring back at me in the mirror suffers as a result of this.

I have always been a perfectionist to the point where I will literally stop doing something if I know that I will not be able to achieve perfection. I have such high standards for myself, even now, which I know is not a healthy mindset to have but is one I am, slowly but surely, learning how to change. These high standards I set for myself were not possible, they never have been possible, but at thirteen I certainly didn't believe that to be true. I convinced myself it was possible and that I just needed to work harder in order to achieve it. One flaw I have not been able to pull myself out of yet is comparing myself with other people. Everyone is always prettier than me, smarter, thinner, better at math, better at talking with people, better at telling jokes, better at art... it doesn't matter if it's a physical or non-physical trait, there was always something they had or could do that is better than me. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to be seen as better than anyone else and nor do I think of myself as better than everyone else when I say this. My perfectionism has caused me to compare myself to everyone I meet in some form or another. It definitely did when I was in secondary school and thus began my spiral of self-loathing.

The first time I stopped eating, I was about nine/ten. That lasted about a day. The second time I stopped eating was when I was thirteen. I began to restrict during school hours. I have never been someone who could have breakfast before 10am. I'm not hungry first thing in the morning, so it was easy to skip breakfast because it was the norm for me. No one suspected there was an issue in the slightest. I also have huge anxiety about eating in front of people that really became prominent when I began secondary school. I began comparing how much food I had with what everyone else had. I couldn't have more than everyone else. My OCD would mean I could never eat school lunches if I didn't at first know what they were serving. Eventually, I stopped bringing lunch to school. I began packing a drink and some mints, which I had researched online would suppress hunger throughout the day. I thought I had it all figured out - I could suppress the hunger, which would prevent me from eating in front of other people, which would then cause me to lose weight. It felt like such a win-win situation. How could I lose?

Eating disorders serve one purpose - to destroy. They destroy your mind, your relationships, your whole life. I became more and more withdrawn, moody, and anxious. I got so bad that I was too scared to even kiss my then boyfriend. Ultimately, my eating disorder and anxiety cost me that relationship. I have no regrets about that. There was a high likelihood that it would have ended anyway. Most relationships at that age never last. I don't think its cynicism, more realism. I have Dave now, but I'll go into that in more detail later. Anyway, going back to my behaviour at that time of my life... I was pushing people away. Arguments at home became a constant part of life, and I was going through the rough patch at school where friends abandoned me that was mentioned in the first post. It wasn't long after that when, due to lack of nourishment, I became dizzy and collapsed in school at lunch time. Luckily, I didn't lose consciousness, because that was not a conversation I was prepared for just yet - or at all. Unfortunately, it did not go by unnoticed. I blacked out for a few seconds but it was enough to draw attention to one of my friends. That was the first time someone knew about my not eating. I begged him not to tell anyone... but he did. He told one person who I know was responsible for telling other people, who were then responsible for creating rumours about me. Rumours started around school that I slit my wrists and did drugs. Neither is true. Aside from prescription drugs that I take for a chronic condition, I have never once touched any illegal substances or abused them. I have never self-harmed, unless you consider an eating disorder as a form of self-harm, which I suppose you could when you look at what a person suffering with one does to their body.

Those rumours were, thankfully, put to rest once I had patched things up with certain people. Personally, I don't think they ever really went away, more like people just didn't care enough when the next scandal hit, which if anyone was interested in it, was two teachers having sex in a classroom. No one could prove it happened, but students witnessed them exiting the classroom while adjusting their clothing in a manner that would suggest they had just had sex. One of those teachers eventually left at the end of that school year. Anyway, I digress... at this point, I was fourteen and about to enter my last year of school (as a July baby, I was one of the younger ones in my year which meant I was going to be leaving school at fifteen.) All I had to do was survive through summer, which as a social recluse was not at all difficult, but also survive through eight more months of school before I would get to say goodbye to that place forever. I could not wait for that moment to come.

The last year was not at all easy. However, it was a quiet year in terms of the bullying I experienced the previous four years, mostly because I think, most of these people were focusing on their work rather than any petty high school drama. We had exams. Important exams. Exams were coming up that would define my entire life - or so I thought it would at the time. I had decision to make about where I wanted my life to go post school. My anxiety was getting worse as I faced the prospect of so much change. I have never like change and I still don't. I doubt I ever will. To say I was worried about my future would be a severe understatement. Despite trying my very best in school, my anxiety made it difficult for me. I would panic about not knowing the answer to a topic we had only just started, that I would find concentrating at said new topic pretty difficult, which was made much worse by the constant fog in my brain from not eating. However, in spite of all that, I managed to leave school with grades that I was incredibly proud of.

My eating disorder did not stop once I left school, although I started to get somewhat better when I was not surrounded by so much negativity. I never told anyone, other than the ones that had witnessed me blacking out, about this, not even family, although it almost came out to them one time, which was quite ironic when I think about it. I had gone to school feeling fine, but throughout the day I had gotten sick. I ended up leaving one of my classes to throw up. A couple of girls from my year had heard me and went to tell one of our mentors, who were three individuals responsible for looking out for kids, making sure no one got bullied etc. however, they failed multiple times to protect kids. I guess this was our version of a guidance counselor. Anyway, they told one of the mentors, who then pulled me out of my class to ask me, very directly, if I was bulimic. At that time I was not, so of course I denied it. I also would have denied it if I had been bulimic at that time too. I ended up telling my mum about me being sick in school, but did not inform her of the accusation of bulimia, just in case the school called her. Luckily for me, they did not. It wouldn’t be for a couple of years yet until I turned to bulimia...

[well-good-luck-with-that]

Hiii! Would you please write a Clony fic where Tony and Clay get caught making out?!? ❤️;)

Read it on AO3

1 – Ryan Shaver

The firsttime Clay and Tony get caught making out is unfortunately, by Liberty High’sbiggest gossip. It is about a month into sophomore year and so far Clay hasmanaged to avoid being in something scandalous enough to be printed on thepages of the infamous ‘Lost and Found’ zine’, however there was no way he wasgoing to avoid this one. It started about a month ago, this… thing he had withTony. He couldn’t really put a label on what it was, all he knew was that itwas fun and exciting, and Tony sure was a goddamn excellent kisser. So excellent,in fact, that Clay decided that waiting until after school to put his mouth onthe other boy was far too long a stretch to go without.

“You’re soneedy.” Tony teases him as Clay pushes him against the dirty blue locker.“Anyone could walk in here y’know?” He protests weakly, unable to deny Clayaccess to his neck as he kisses his way down his jaw to top of his t-shirt.

“I don’tcare.” Clay responds, before crashing his lips to the Latino boys, taking greatpleasure in the surprised noise Tony makes before responding to the kiss.

“Oh Clay,Clay, Clay. You really should care.” Ryan’s voice interrupts from the door ofthe locker room. “You never know who could be listening.” The other boy grinswickedly, smirking at the two with a notepad in his hands.

Clay staresat him open-mouthed, whilst Tony frowns at Ryan, wondering if this is somethinghe needed to get his brothers involved in to keep the boy quiet. Everyone knewhe was gay already, but one word from Clay and he’d do what he needed to do tokeep his friend’s sexuality a secret until he was ready. “Ryan…” Clay starts.

“Oh no,don’t let me interrupt you.” Ryan smiles with a sickeningly sweet tone.“Everyone loves a good coming out story, so the more details I have thebetter.”

Tonyclenches his fists and casts a glance at Clay, who looks surprisingly calm.“Yeah?” Clay swallows. “What story? All you’ve got right now is a rumour.”

Tonychuckles at that, and lowers his head. Good old Clay. Ryan’s face drops a bit,as though he hadn’t even thought about how he was going to prove what he hadjust seen. “Well… I…” He starts, before realising he really didn’t have a storyhere. “Watch your step, Jensen. Secrets don’t keep forever.” Ryan warns him,before hitching his bag higher on his arm and leaving with a huff.

“That wasclose.” Tony mutters, trying not to be bitter that he still had to keep Clay asecret.

Clay sighs.“Tell me about it.”

 2 – Jeff Atkins

The secondtime it happens, whilst humiliating, Clay couldn’t be more grateful that it’shis friend Jeff Atkins who catches them, even if it is in the library.

“All I’m saying dude, is there must besomebody that you like! When was the last time you had a girlfriend, man? Or…boyfriend?” Jeff questions, subtly trying to let his friend know that if thegay rumours that were currently flying around the school were true, hedefinitely didn’t care.

Clay sighs.His romantic history is something he really didn’t want to be thinking aboutright now, especially given his current situation. “There’s nobody, Jeff. Canwe drop this? Focus on your algebra.” He tells him, pointing to the paper infront of them that contained only doodles from his friend.

Jeff justlaughs. “I’ll get it out of you, Jensen, and you know it.”

Clay justrolls his eyes. “Sure. Now, question 3b says-“

“…-Hey,Clay, can I talk to you for a second?” Tony suddenly interrupts, as ifappearing out of nowhere.

The boy inquestions simply stares up at his other friend, unable to focus on the frown heis currently trying to pull off. He is mad at Tony right now, after all. “I’mhelping Jeff right now, Tony.” He says bluntly, before turning his eyes back tothe work on the table.

Tony visiblydeflates, and Jeff makes a mental note of the tension between the pair. “It’scool, Clay… if there’s something you guys need to sort out, I can wait.”

Tony turnsto see Clay’s response, which is a small sigh and a crossing of his arms. “Whatdo you want to talk about Tony?” He asks, looking back up at the boy.

“Really?”Tony asks incredulously. “I mean, really?”

At thispoint Jeff knows something is up with the pair. He grins when he figures itout. “Well, if Clay is fine with you guys talking about your… problem with me here then go ahead.” Hisgrin only gets wider as Clay’s head snaps up to look at him, a look of horroron his face when he realises that Jeff is teasing him about Tony.

“Clay, I-“Tony starts but is cut off by Clay getting to his feet and pulling him awayfrom the table by his arm.

“Not here.”He mutters, yanking the shorter boy behind some of the library shelves and awayfrom Jeff’s stupid grinning face. “What do you want, Tony?” He asks harshlyonce they are alone.

Tony’s eyeslook sad and Clay hates himself for wanting to make them happier. “I wanted toapologise for the other night. I know that since Ryan you’ve been worried… andI don’t know what this is but… I enjoy being around you, Clay. If us… doingwhat we are doing is causing problems for our friendship then I don’t think weshould carry on.” The Latino explains, his eyes searching his best friend forhis reaction.

Theblue-eyed boy just sighs again and relaxes his shoulders. “I’m sorry too, and Ithink… well I think I agree.” He tells him quietly. “This was supposed to besome fun and it’s all getting a bit serious, y’know?”

Tony nodssadly. “Yeah, I know.”

“So…friends?” Clay asks hopefully.

“Always,Clay.”

The pairstand and stare at each other for a few moments, looking almost wistfully atthe other’s mouth and wishing things didn’t have to be so complicated. “Wecould probably kiss like… one more time or something.” Clay suggests, fakingindifference. “To say goodbye or… whatever.”

Tony smilesslightly. “Yeah, I think we could do that.”

They look ateach other for a few more seconds, before Clay leans in to press a gentle kissto Tony’s lips, letting the other boy take control with a hand to the back ofClay’s head so he can deepen the kiss, and allow his tongue into his mouth.Clay has his hands fisted into Tony’s infamous leather jacket as the pair losethemselves in the other just one last time.

“So uhm, Idon’t mean to interrupt or anything, but I need to head home.” Jeff’s grinevident in his voice as he breaks the two boys apart, who are now blushingfiercely. Tony stares at the floor, a hand scratching the back of his neck inawkwardness, whilst Clay just stares at Jeff like he can’t quite believe hejust got caught making out with his best friend. “See you tomorrow, Clay…unless you’re… y’know… busy.” Jefflaughs as he winks at his pal before turning to head out of the library.

By the nextmonth, Tony is dating Ryan (much to Clay’s disbelief), and a new girl hascaught Clay’s eye. Her name is Hannah Baker.

 3 – Clay’s Dad

It’s abouthalf way into senior year when Tony and Clay decide to start seeing each otheragain properly this time. After spending pretty much 24/7 with Tony, both ofthem helping each other mourn Hannah and find a way to carry on in the shadowof the mess she left behind, it wasn’t long before they realised that theyreally needed each other. More than Tony needed Brad, that’s for sure. Whilstit is still early days, they decide they’re going to keep it quiet, what withthe drama of the past year and Clay’s developing of his bisexuality, theyfigured it best to just see how things went.

“You’re beingreally quite annoying, y’know that, Tony?” Clay says only half-serious, as Tonyflicks another pencil at the working boy.

Tony laughsthen sighs. “I’m bored, Clay. You’ve been doing that all day.” He complains ashe rolls onto his front in dramatic frustration.

Clay justrolls his eyes for what feels like the fiftieth time that morning. “I told youI needed to get it done, it was you who decided to come over anyway.”

Tony put’son an exaggerated pout. “You saying you don’t want me here, hm?” He teases ashe pretends to be offended, knowing that his oblivious boyfriend wouldn’t catchon to the pretence.

On cue, theother boy snaps his head up quickly. “Of course I want you here, Tony!” Heexclaims. “I’m sorry, I’ll put this away.” He tells him, guiltily packing awayhis books.

It’s Tony’sturn to roll his eyes. “I’m messing with you, dude.” He laughs. “Finish yourdamn paper, then pay me some attention.” The shorter boy demands, beforerolling onto his back again and closing his eyes, his hands behind his head onClay’s bed.

What Tonyhadn’t predicted is the sudden weight of the blue-eyed boy straddling his legsand smiling down at him. “So… you tricked me, huh?” Clay asks, smile dancing inhis eyes.

“’Tricked’is such an ugly word…” Tony trails off with a laugh as Clay digs him in theside where he knows he is ticklish. “Alright, alright! I tricked you!” Herelents when the tickling won’t subside. “Can you blame me?” He grins.

Claypretends to think for a moment. “What did you plan on us doing instead?” Hequestions innocently, that grin still on his face.

“I can thinkof a few things…” Tony starts as he raises his head to hover his mouth overClay’s. “And all of them involve you not talking.” He finishes before pressinghis lips to Clay’s, pulling him down with a hand on the back of his head.Clay’s hand finds its way fisted into the other boys’ hair, the other up theside of his shirt as he moans into the passionate kiss.

“Clay, we’vetalked about this door staying op- okay!” Clay’s dad walks in, swiftly puttinga hand over his eyes. “… and that’s why it was closed, right?” He attempts tojoke.

“Dad!” Claycries, scrambling off of Tony’s lap, who smirks a little as he tries to tamehis hair. “Can you and mom not give me like… a little privacy!?”

His dadremoves his hand from his face after checking that it’s safe, and laughs alittle. “Well maybe if you’d told us about this development in yourrelationship status, we wouldn’t think it necessary to check on you when youwere with your boyfriend.” He counters smugly. Clay just blushes furiously inresponse. “Tony, you’re staying for dinner?”

“Of course.”Tony smiles. “If that’s okay with Clay?”

Clay frownsat them both. “Well obviously it’s okay! Jeez.” He mutters, folding his armsand missing the matching smirks Tony and his dad give each other.

“See youdown in half an hour, then.”

 4 – Sheri Holland

By the timeSheri catches them making out, it’s become somewhat of a curse for the pair.It’s a couple of weeks since they’ve been together secretly, and only the boys’families know they are giving a relationship a proper try when Sheri throws a Springparty at her house to celebrate the break from school. Although parties aren’treally their thing, after much persuasion from Clay, the pair show up tocelebrate with the rest of the school.

They’ve onlybeen there an hour before Tony has had enough. “Do you wanna go somewherequieter?” Tony calls to Clay over the loud, booming music. “This is giving me aheadache.” He adds, scrunching up his nose in disgust at the poppy tune playingon the speakers.

Clay laughsat him. “Come on then, old man, I’m sure we can find a room for a bit.” Hetells him, downing the rest of his drink and pulling Tony towards the stairs.

“It’s like Ican hear myself think again.” The Latino says dramatically as they enter abedroom, presumed to be Sheri’s, and sit down on her bed.

“Youwouldn’t be complaining if it was Joy Division down there.” Clay teases him,settling next to him on the bed so their backs are propped against the wall,thighs touching.  

“Hm. Exceptit’s not Joy Division, is it?” Tony responds, and the two of them sit insilence for a little while, just enjoying each other’s company. Tony soon restshis hand on Clay’s thigh, causing the slightly younger boy to look at him, eyeswide. Cupping his face gently, Tony slowly plants a kiss onto Clay’s lips,touching them light as a feather. He does this three times, on the fourthpressing slightly harder, continuing to go back in for more and more chastekisses as he does so. As the kisses get longer, Clay starts to pull backslightly, his eyes half-lidded and breathing fast as he rests his foreheadagainst his boyfriend’s.

“Last time Iwas in a situation like this, it didn’t go so well.” He whispers, eyesremaining shut as he tries to block out the painful memory.

Tony kisseshis nose. “Let’s make some new memories, then. Happier ones.” He says, holdingClay’s face in his hands forcing the boy to open his eyes. “She would want youto be happy, Clay.” He tells him sincerely, smiling when Clay nods.

The boyrests his head against Tony’s again. “I love you.” He mutters quietly, eyesback to closing. He doesn’t give Tony a chance to respond because he’s kissingthe stunned look off his face, desperate to pretend it doesn’t matter if theother boy loves him or not.

Tony ofcourse, knows exactly what he is thinking. He pulls away from Clay and holdshis head again. “I love you too, Clay. Never forget that.”

Clay nods inrelief and goes in for another kiss, smiling into it with Tony as it starts toheat up.

“Oh! I’m sosorry boys! Just needed to change my top… beer stains are gross!” Sheri laughs asshe stumbles into the room in her heels, closing her door behind her. The boyslook at her in slight shock, wondering if they should do or say anything. “So…when did you guys get together?” She asks sweetly as she checks through herwardrobe for a new top that goes with her outfit.

Clay coughsawkwardly. “Well we… it’s only been a few weeks really…”

“Twomonths.” Tony interjects, grinning at Clay.

“Right… twomonths.” Clay corrects, squeezing Tony’s hand. “But the thing is, Sheri… wearen’t really ready to… y’know… tell people?” He hints.

Sheri turnsto face them with her new top in her hands. “Oh no! Don’t worry you guys, yoursecret is totally safe with me. But y’know… I don’t think people would reallycare… what with… well y’know the past year and stuff.” She says gently. “Plus…I can’t say I’m too surprised, either.” She smiles.

Tony laughsat that whilst Clay just blushes. “Yeah well, we’ve had some ups and downs andwe’re just seeing how this whole thing works out for now.” He explains.

“Say nomore!” Sheri exclaims. “My lips are sealed! Unlike the pair of you…” Sheteases. “Feel free to use my room, okay? I’ll change in the bathroom.” Clay isstill blushing at the implication of using Sheri’s room, so Tony thanks her forthe pair of them. “And guys…” She starts, turning with her hand on the doorknob. “You really do make a cute couple.”

“Uh… thanks,Sheri.” Clay responds awkwardly, hitting Tony when he laughs as Sheri leavesthe room. “Shutup, asshole.”

Tony justcontinues laughing as he kisses the pout off his boyfriend’s lips.

5 – Tyler Down

True to herword, Clay and Tony’s relationship secret continued to be kept for the majorityof senior year, and Clay was grateful that Sheri hasn’t started gossiping. Itwould be no worse than Ryan’s rumour in sophomore year, but he wanted to comeout with Tony on his own terms, and not because of some stupid gossip. Unfortunately,the next person to catch them kissing, would not be so thoughtful of thesecret.

“Tony! Inyour car!? Really!?” Clay laughs when Tony pushes his mouth against hisboyfriends, letting his tongue slide effortlessly into his mouth. Clay pusheshim back. “What’s brought this on?”

“I wantyou.” Tony states simply, before moving back into assault Clay’s neck withkisses. “And I’ve always wanted to do this in my car.” He admits, leaning backto wink cheekily at the other boy.

Clay laughs,knowing that the wink had just made him putty in Tony’s hands. He leans inagain for a proper kiss, pushing at Tony’s leather jacket as he does so whilstTony reaches to tug off the hoodie Clay is wearing.

“A pictureis worth a thousand words, boys.” Tyler’s words echo from the darkness besideClay’s window, revealing his smirk as he steps out of the bushes.

“Really,Tyler?” Clay asks disbelievingly. “After all that shit with Hannah, you’restill doing things like this?”

Tyler justlaughs condescendingly. “After what you did to me? Most definitely.” He tellshim, tucking his camera safely into his bag. “This’ll make great front pagenews for the zine’.”

Clay’s eyeswiden as he looks over to Tony. “Tyler, I don’t want to hurt you but you know Iwill if you fuck with Clay. Or me.” The Latino warns.

Tyler justlaughs. “I’m not from your neighbourhood, idiot. I think the police in thistown would be very interested in locking up you and your thug brothers forbeating me up, don’t you think?”

Tony’s handsclench around his steering wheel and goes to respond, before Clay stops him. “Fine.Publish the picture, Tyler. Whatever.”

“Clay-“ Tonystarts.

“- he’s not worthjail, Tony.” Clay says firmly. “Do your worst, Tyler, I don’t care anymore.”

“Oh, I will,Clay, don’t you worry.” Tyler says gleefully. “See you tomorrow guys!”

Clay turnsto Tony as he watches Tyler walk away with the picture. “Well, shit.” He says.Tony just remains silent. “Hey, are you okay?”

Tony’s handsare still clenched and he takes a deep breath. “Why didn’t you let me sort it,Clay? He’s gonna show everybody in school that picture!”

Clay looksat him with a confused expression. “Sorry… do you want to go to jail orsomething?”

“I wouldn’tgo to jail, Clay! And even if I did… what? You think I wouldn’t do that foryou?” Tony asks him seriously.

“Tony, areyou serious right now!? You think I care about hiding this so much that I’d letyou get sent down!?” Clay exclaims, not being able to believe what Tony istrying to say.

“Well you’vekept it hidden this long!” Tony points out, angrily.

“And clearlynot for much longer!” Clay shouts back.

“Well let’sjust end it here, then! Then it’s old news, right!?” Tony cries back, breathingheavily to stop tears threatening to fall.

There’s abeat of silence. “What?” Clay asks quietly. “Are you breaking up with me?Because of Tyler!?”

“I’m justsaying that maybe it would make tomorrow easier.” Tony replies, unable to lookClay in the eyes as he focuses his vision on the parking lot in front of them.

“Right.”Clay whispers. “So I’m ready to go public with you and you’re ready to break upwith me. Perfect.” He says sarcastically, wiping his face with his sleevebefore opening the Mustang’s car door and jumping out.

“Clay, whereare you going?” Tony asks, ready to get out of the car too.

“I’m walkinghome, Tony. Don’t follow me. I’ll see you around, okay?” Clay tells himbluntly, leaving Tony no choice but to watch the love of his life walk away, ashe punches his steering wheel in frustration.

 1 – Liberty High

Walking intoschool the next morning was like walking into a lions’ den when he was an antelope.Clay knew from the moment he stepped onto school property that Tyler had leakedthe photo, apparently to Ryan himself who helpfully printed it on the frontpage of ‘Lost and Found’. Well, he had warned Clay that secrets didn’t keepforever. Taking a deep breath Clay pushes past the giggling teenagers thatsurrounded him, keeping his head down as he made his way to his locker andsighing when he had to rip off multiple print-outs of the picture from thedoor. It was bad enough trying to get over Tony without having pictures of themplastered in his face.

“Clay!” The unmissablevoice of Tony Padilla echoed through the hallway to Clay’s ears, as he shovedthe books he needed for first into his bag. “Clay, can we talk?”

Aware thatthe entire corridor was looking over and whispering about the pair of them,Clay realised that it didn’t bother him as much as he thought it would. “We don’tneed to talk, Tony. You made your feelings pretty clear.” He tells him coldly,as he begins to walk away, his heart aching like it did when he lost Hannah.

“Except Ididn’t.” Tony calls after him. “I didn’t know you wanted to go public, Clay!”

Clay turnsaround, laughing sarcastically. “Well it’s not like it matters now! Just leaveit. Please.” He begs, just wanting to get on with his miserably existence andpretend this high school never happened to him. As if on cue, the bell ringsand Clay turns from Tony again to walk to first, ignoring the stinging behindhis eyes and willing himself to just get on with the day.

“Clay!” Hehears Tony call again, a little more desperately this time. Clay just continuesto walk, pretending he doesn’t want to turn around because hoping will lead tomore heartbreak. “Clay!?” Tony tries again, and Clay spins around.

“What!?Tony, what can you possibly have to say- mmf!” Clay’s shout is cut off by Tony’smouth on his, capturing his lips in a desperate, needy kiss. Clay is distantlyaware of people wolf-whistling in the corridor, the sound of camera’s takingphoto’s no doubt to be shared to Snapchat. Tony breaks the kiss and looks intoClay’s eyes, begging him to realise that he didn’t want it to be over. “I’mconfused.” Clay finally says.

Tony let’sout a slight chuckle. “I’m sorry I made you think I didn’t want you. It’s neverbeen like that. Ever. Forgive me?”

Clay’s eyeslight up slightly. “So… you do wanna be my boyfriend?”

“Always.”Tony responds instantly.

Clay smiles,still aware of all of the eyes on him. “Then let’s give them something toreally talk about.” He grins, before fisting his hands in Tony’s leather jacketand pulling him into a passionate kiss. When they break for air the pair smileat each other happily.

“Put that onyour front page, Ryan!” Tony yells into the crowd, causing Clay and a lot ofthe people gathered around them to laugh.

And if LibertyHigh thought Clay and Tony coming out as a couple would stop them being caughtin compromising positions throughout the school, they had another think coming.

[phaylenfairchild]

The Ongoing Problem With Trans Representation in Media

The Crying Game

In 1992, as a budding Transgirl who hadn’t yet heard the word “Transgender” nor knew anything about gender or sexuality, I watched an film by Neil Jordan called “The Crying Game.” It was dubbed “The Most Shocking Film Of The Year” by entertainment magazines. At the time, I had an insatiable longing for people I could relate to on film, and often had to substitute women as figures of my future intent; I wanted Richard Gere to sweep me away like he had Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. I wants to slither around like Catwoman, with that brilliant confidence that was the perfect mix of bad ass girl power and unapologetic confidence. She was my revenge idol. I wanted to flip-flop, cartwheel and yoga pose into school and kick the shit out of my bullies while making them all love me at the same time.

But the Character of Dil in “The Crying Game” was most accurate to who I knew I was becoming. This androgynous, beautiful woman captivated me. Dil was the lover of a soldier, Jody, played by the incredible Forest Whittaker, a man held prisoner by the IRA who pleads with a fellow solider and friend, Fergus, to protect Dil. She unwittingly becomes the subject of both fascination and affection of Fergus.

Through the course of the film, the two fall in love, and when it comes to the pivotal moment where the characters start becoming intimate- it takes a dark turn.

As Fergus begins to disrobe Dil in the bedroom of her bedroom, he gets on his knees, expecting to find female genitalia and instead reveals a penis.

Yes, right there. A penis. And if you saw it in the cinema, a 12 foot tall image of a penis. On a woman. Fergus twisted away in disgust and proceeds to vomit immediately. Then, he hits her.

I remember being horrified- my breathe caught in my throat- not because she had a penis, but because he acted with such sudden and unexpected repulsion over someone he was just kissing and intending to bed.

The film was marketed on the Trans “Surprise.” Studios launched campaigns for audiences not to give away the ending.

In the afterglow of The Crying Game, Transphobic rhetoric became more aggressive than ever in cinema. Who can forget Ace Ventura, played by Jim Carey, belllowing “Einhorn is a man?!” in reference to the character played by Sean Young, and then heaving into the toilet at the very notion an attractive woman might not have a vagina.

Transwomen were reduced to bawdy, comedic or grotesque twists by lazy writers in Hollywood. The go-to joke. The trend continued throughout the 90’s and well into the 2000’s. With what little Trans characters there were on screen, they were always the subject of comedy or villainy. Because, for some reason, it’s still an outrageous knee-slapper to see a sexy woman you suddenly discover has male genitalia or much easier to hate her, so they make her the freakish bad guy, such as in Sleepaway Camp, like some dangerous modern day Frankenstein who will curl their hair, twirl their penis then sit your throat.

More recently, the Trans representation in film has changed in context- with sweeping period dramas like “The Danish Girl” — which won an Oscar for the cisgender actor, Eddie Redmayne, playing the role of a Trans woman. Or, the “Dallas Buyers Club” — which won an Oscar for the cisgender actor, Jared Leto, playing the role of a Trans woman. However, the year that Redmayne won his Oscar for putting on a dress and pretending to be Trans, a film that had been far better received critically, Tangerine, which featured two actual Transwomen played by Transwomen, was snubbed, despite receiving nominations or awards by every other organization the entire awards season. The Academy demonstrated they’d rather give an award to a man tepidly playing a Transwoman, than a Transwoman giving an incredible performance.

Of course, those Transwomen were playing sex workers. I have it on good authority from my Trans identifying actress friends that it’s almost impossible to get roles for anything else. “All I get offers for are prostitutes,” one accomplished actress told me. “If we want access to work we either have to be a prostitute, a mistress, a self-hating trans person, dead or dying of AIDS, or willing to be ridiculed for comedic value. That’s where we are. In 2018.”

But, some will argue the merits of “Transparent,” The Amazon series that features a middle aged man, portrayed by Jeffery Tambor, who transitions from male to female later in life. It is the first television show to take viewers on that journey, one which details the experiences of those in the orbit of the transitioning main character, including her children and ex wife, without exploiting it as sensationalist. “Transparent” features a plethora of Trans identifying artists, both in front of the camera and behind it. While the primary stars are all cisgender performers, Alexandra Billings, Trace Lysette and the iconic Candis Cayne are all series regulars. Zackary Drucker and Our Lady J feature as producers. It appears to be our staple; our one single thing we’re allowed. Unfortunately, although heavily awarded, it’s not got very broad appeal. It’s a series by Transgender people, about Transgender people… so mainstream remains a little stand-offish. It’s “That Transgender show.”

That’s not surprising. We Trans people working in media have to pave our own way, create our own projects, self produce them, star in them. If we try to intermingle cisgender society within our works, we’re typically turned away. As a writer, I’ve had my screenplays turned down by many companies exclusively because, despite having a cisgender lead, it has a trans character. In a fantasy film I wrote which was a finalist in Outfest International’s Screenplay competition, the response I received from interested production companies wanted me to turn the Trans girl into a “traditional” girl. Every film I write has a Trans character, not just because I’m politically advocating the normalizing of Trans people in everyday society, but because I refuse to create worlds in which we do not exist simply for the comfort of mainstream audiences. “Why does she need to be Trans?” An agent once asked me.

“Why not?” I answered.

Orange is the New Black was lauded for it’s inclusion of a Trans character, played by a Transgender woman, Laverne Cox. Because gender diverse characters in media are so rare, it catapulted her well beyond the boundaries of performance into the realm of social activism. That same attention and expectation destroyed Caitlyn Jenner who was no longer just allowed to be the tabloid mainstay by proxy of the Kardashians, but now had to be our fearless leader, our ambassador to cigender tribes. There are about five Trans figures that cisgender audiences can name: Caitlyn Jenner being the most notable along with Cox on a lesser scale. Others paying attention know that the Wachowskis, directors of the successful Matrix franchise both transitioned and Jazz Jennings, the teenager with her own reality show on that channel that also shows My 600 lb Life and Sister Wives. Cis people don’t know Janet Mock, although her work is invaluable, but they heard a Transgirl took on Rose McGowan at a book signing. Our names cross their facebook feeds when the news reports our deaths. Beyond that, we’re people not allowed to use bathrooms in certain states, a word that is banned by the CDC, and reduced to that one Transgender person who did something that one time which the media loves to exploit for a headline in a fleeting story. Especially when it’s salacious. When former Playboy Playmate, Kendra Wilkinson’s basketball star husband, Hank Baskett, had an alleged affair with a woman, the media latched on like a thirsty tick to the ass-end of a fat dog because that his mistress was Transgender. Of course, despite evidence, he denied it, and the couple leveraged the scandal to maximize ratings and profits by following the controversy on their reality show. They even starred in their own one-hour special to discuss it. Similarly, the media pounced at the opportunity to reveal the alleged affair that Jennifer Lopez’s then boyfriend, Casper Smart, was having with a Transwoman he met on Instagram. Then there was the story of Michael Phelps, the olympic gold medalist who had an ongoing, but secret relationship with an intersex woman- one which he never denied, but ignored instead. In every case, the transwoman is vilified by the media, like some sexual predator; A succubus who cast a spell of seduction on innocent men. That’s when the media pays attention.

That’s problematic. The fact that mainstream society possesses more general awareness of cis actors who play Trans characters, or random Transwomen involved in scandals does nothing to improve our actual visibility, or integrate us into mainstream culture. It alienates us further onto the fringes of society.

We’re like the unicorns of media. When one of us pops up and garners any attention for something other than simply being Trans or scandalous, people react with; “Wow, you really do exist.”

Far and few are the opportunities for Trans actors and actresses, filmmakers and film writers. It’s not because there are too few of us, it’s because when Hollywood looks at us, they don’t see our potential, they see a political cause. An embattled, marginalized person. When we disclose our trans status to people, they suddenly lose sight of our face and instead see the last anti-trans headline they read splashed across out forehead- and maybe they feel sad. Maybe they feel that if they’re uncomfortable or distracted exclusively by the fact that we’re trans, moviegoers, television viewers and the greater cisgender community will be too.

Perhaps this is why we haven’t really seen a transgender performer portray a non-trans role- unless you count Candis Cayne playing a fairytale creature in The Magicians. Cayne is such a brilliant performer she could play anything. She’s stunning, she’s captivating onscreen, she’s a staggeringly talented actress…

But apparently, despite the multitude of cisgender actors playing trans in media, she isn’t allowed to play a ciswoman… just trans, and maybe a unicorn.

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