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thefirsttree · 3 years

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A personal update + my next game

OK, time to do this. I’ve been meaning to do a big DAVID WEHLE™ update for a while now and explain why I haven’t released a new game yet, but you know how life gets in the way. Especially when life is a quarantine hellscape, you have three beautiful, amazing, exhausting kids to raise, a spouse’s job you support, a viral YouTube channel that turns your brain to mush, a thousand emails waiting in your inbox since your game is free on the Epic Games Store (with an impressive number of redemptions too! … meaning lots of emails and customer support issues), etc., etc. What also contributes to my lack of updates is because… I just don’t really like posting online. Fascinating correlation, I know!

Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a venting/ranting blog post (well, maybe a bit), because my life is seriously AMAZING and INSANELY BLESSED and LUCKY. I can’t believe how many dreams keep coming true, so much so that I feel I don’t deserve it and I really pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes… but I did want to at least be honest, because I owe that to myself.

Wow, where do I even begin? Well, how about we start with the reason I’m even a full-time indie game dev now: The First Tree. This small hobby project I worked on at night morphed into this gargantuan beast (or fox) that took over my life the past 5 years. Which is great! I’m living the dream! And yet, I really didn’t expect it to do as well as it did. At its core, my game is a slow-paced, sad walking simulator (ahem, I prefer the term “exploration game,” but you know what I mean) that somehow seemed to launch at the right time to the right audience. It resonated deeply with some of you, and for that I’m eternally grateful. I still get emails almost daily how my game changed their lives in some formative way. I’m beyond honored.

However, with that spotlight came criticism and demands from the ever-present, insatiable internet. I would randomly be surfing the gamedev subreddit trying to decompress, and I would see a comment by some rando saying how much I didn’t deserve my success, and how it was all one huge lucky fluke. And I believed them!

And to add to it, some devs considered me an indie marketing “guru”, which I was uncomfortable with. I worked hard to market my game every week, and after my GDC talk, people assumed marketing was my passion; the reason I got up every morning. Just to clarify… NO, I don’t like marketing, and I hate being the center of attention. I don’t like asking people for money and wishlists. But I did what was necessary because I was passionate about telling stories, and I wanted to give my story a fighting chance to be seen on the crowded pages of Steam.

So now, you’re probably wondering “well then David, why did you make fancy YouTube videos showing off your success? Not very modest if you ask me.” This honestly could be a long blog post all on its own, because my experience of putting myself in the spotlight and becoming a “content creator” is… complicated. It was an unusual step for me, especially since I never even showed my face online (as a game developer) until my GDC talk.

First off, I always wanted to teach and start a YouTube channel. I love video editing, especially since I’ve been doing it longer than making games! It’s a huge passion of mine. And teaching people who didn’t know they could make and finish games was a huge motivator (and it’s been so rewarding already). But the second reason is, I was scared. I was self-employed, and I was riding the success of a “huge lucky fluke” that would probably not happen again. I wanted to make sure I could provide for my amazing family, and give them food and health insurance and security in these tumultuous times. I was turning my lifelong passions and hobbies into a business, and it wasn’t as simple of a mental transition as I thought.

So, I went all in on YouTube and the accompanying online course called Game Dev Unlocked. I spent years editing the scripts and videos, and polishing them to a shine. At first, no one watched my videos, no one was buying… and in the blink of an eye, the YouTube algorithm picked up my main autobiographical video (“How Making Indie Games Changed My Life”), and I started getting 5,000 subscribers a day. Right now, I’m at 150,000 subs, which is still hard for me to believe. I always had a dream of earning 100k subs on YouTube, so I was pretty happy with the whole thing. Sales were OK, but mostly people didn’t want to buy the course. Then the emails came in…

Something you should know about me: I am a textbook “people pleaser,” and if someone asks for my help, I take it very seriously. If someone is mad at me, even if I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s all I can think about, and it ruins my day. So, taking an onslaught of people begging for help and multiplying that by an impossible amount of people for my brain to truly comprehend thanks to the internet… and let’s just say it wasn’t a healthy mix.

I received thousands of emails from people who were begging me for some kind of reassurance that everything would be OK. That their dreams would come true too. And I wanted to help every single one of them. I went from a nobody working on a game for fun to becoming a spokesperson for the indie game dream. I couldn’t even get a shake from the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru without someone recognizing me and asking for game dev advice. And it didn’t stop there… I would get emails from suicidal kids asking for help, teenagers from Afghanistan asking me to get them out of their country, and on one occasion I received an email from a hopeful game developer in a war-torn country who had just experienced a bomb blowing up their neighboring village. His friends were dead, and he was hoping he could finish a game before he died too, and he needed my help. How do you say no to something like that? Didn’t I owe it to everyone because I was lucky with my hit game and I needed to “pay it forward”? (Something people constantly reminded me of)

And then to top it off, after you’ve given everything you’ve got to other people in need… you get hate mail in your inbox. You spend the whole day serving your children and strangers on the internet, then when the kids are finally asleep, you hit the bed to relax and take a look at your phone to decompress, and you randomly come across an angry gamer in your Twitter mentions telling you your game they got for free sucks, and that you took away a potentially great game from them and that your apology isn’t good enough.

Long story short, I went to a mental therapist for the first time in my life. I was broken trying to care for two toddlers and a new baby in a pandemic (which is very, very hard), taking care of my course students who gave me their hard-earned money and demanded results, and the countless people begging for help on the internet. I was this introverted, internet-lurker trying to take on the weight of the world. I was so tired and hurt that no one cared about me and my needs… only what I could do for them.

Quitting my day job and making this hobby my full-time job has stirred up… mixed emotions. This statement may disturb some of you, but I was definitely 100% happier when I had a full-time job and I was working on my game at night. I missed working with the amazing team at The VOID, working on Star Wars… back when the success of my game was this abstract thing I could only daydream about. Mostly, I was making my game for me with no outside expectations to pay the bills or satisfy the ever-demanding internet, and that brought me a lot of joy.

It’s not all doom and gloom though! I’m actually very happy now and in the best shape I’ve been since the pandemic started. I’ve had to confront my weaknesses and personality quirks, but I’m a better person for it (and I’m sure these issues would’ve come out eventually). I hired an awesome community manager for Game Dev Unlocked who is helping SO MUCH with the emails, I can’t even tell you the mental burden it alleviates. I even leased a co-working office to help separate work from my home, and that’s been a huge help too. I’ve decided to work with my old friends from The VOID on a cool, new VR experience. It will take me away from my projects a bit, but I’m ecstatic to work with a great team again (and not manage anything, whew).

These are all things I would’ve never guessed I needed, because I thought I knew myself pretty well… turns out I didn’t.

The reality is: running a business is HARD. Running it solo is even harder. You have to remember, I was burnt out on The First Tree well into the Steam release in 2017, but I kept working on it for 4 more years due to my fears of failing again and not earning enough money for my family.

So, I was wrestling with the age-old concept of commercialism and art. There was this dichotomy of doing whatever I wanted and being true to my vision (what most people assume the indie dev dream is like), and doing only what customers wanted to buy. This is something that has killed me with YouTube… in one specific instance, I was super excited to make the exact video I wanted to make. I loved every part of its creation, and I thought it had a message that would inspire everyone. I lovingly edited it over several weeks, posted it, and excitedly waited for the stats… and it was by far my worst performing video.

This is not a new problem. Even the Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo was a commission forced upon him by the very violent Pope Julius II. My wife and I regularly talk about the fine balance between artistic integrity and commercialism, a problem she is very familiar with as an artist who constantly needs to balance what she wants to make with what the customer wants to hang up in their home.

For The First Tree, I was lucky. It was pretty much what I wanted to make (I had to compromise a lot of things of course), and it turned out millions of people wanted it too. Recently, I thought the safe business decision would be to do it all over again, so I started work on a spiritual successor to The First Tree (an idea that I may revisit one day since I do love the story idea). But that isn’t happening anytime soon. Trust me when I say I am now currently burnt out on animal exploration games.

So that realization left me with a question: what do I do next?

I’ve decided I need to make a game that I want to make, for me. It will be a bit different and I’m almost certain most fans of The First Tree will not love it… but it’s an idea that gets me super excited. It’s an idea that could help me fall in love with game development again.

A few more details: this game will be story-driven, first-person, and will use the Unreal Engine. That means development is gonna be slow going, because I have to learn a whole new tool. The “smart business” decision would be to make something quickly in Unity which I’m already familiar with… but I want to do this for me, and UE5 looks like a lot of fun. I’m also shooting for an early-ish release date so I avoid burn out and I keep the game short: I want to release it in Fall 2022, but knowing game development, it will probably take longer.

With the help of my therapist, I’ve also concluded that I’ve been too accessible on the internet and that my self-worth isn’t determined by the amount of people I try to help online. Of course, I love helping people and seeing them succeed, but I need to step back and focus on my family and myself. I will delete my social media apps on my phone (I will still post big updates occasionally) and stop responding to most emails, tweets, DMs, etc. It’s not that I’m ungrateful… in fact, if I don’t say thank you or at least acknowledge the incredibly nice people who share a sweet message about my game or want to tell me how I inspire them (still hard for me to believe, lol), I feel a ton of guilt… but I need to let that go. Please know I’m extremely grateful to all the fans who follow my work, so even if I don’t thank you directly, I truly mean it: thank you.

I will still post and stream occasionally on YouTube when I want to (and I still do live Q&A’s for my GDU students). The online course sales will help support my family as I work on a potentially risky game idea (and my new job will help alleviate the risk too). I’m gonna try one more marketing experiment and sell a mini-course soon (and add an Unreal section), and after that I’m done working on it. A gigantic thank you to the people who bought my course and are part of the amazing community, it has helped me and my family tremendously, and it’s inspiring seeing the games you make!

I’m a bit worried about the whole thing since this new game idea could flop, which could definitely affect my family. But a sappy, high-school yearbook quote is coming to mind… I think it applies here: “A ship in harbor is safe—but that is not what ships are built for.”

Thanks for reading,

David

#gamedev #indie games #the first tree

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borkthemork · 3 years

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Got tagged by @calamity-unlocked for the procrastinating writer ask, and might as well! Always fun to get away from the pains of editing, RIP to Falling Down Dry’s eighth chapter.

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

26.

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

220,000.

3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

A lot. Just...a lot before I got into Ao3 so let’s keep it at that. But mainly I wrote for SU, Amphibia, and FMA.

4) What are your top five fics by kudos?

-Death of the Ego

I would say this happened because I wrote this at the right place at the right time. People had been theorizing that Steven would get corrupted ever since the trailer to SUF, and I originally made this as a one-shot...until people encouraged me to start exploring it.

Wouldn’t say it was my best work, but every time I wrote something it meant I improved slowly, and I would always appreciate that no matter the weather.

-Doesn’t Have to be Solo

Oh man, I loved this one! Just a series of connected events with Steven going on his road trip, and learning more about himself and who he was along the way. It also was the fic where I needed a lot of beta readers as time went on, so it made me learn a lot about grammar, prose, and overall the internal rules I developed while writing in general.

-Beyond the Music Box

This was the surprising one! This fic was originally a place where I could archive all the drabbles I written on Tumblr, and y’all really wanted it due to how chaotic my tag format is for this stuff.

It’s surprising for me because I didn’t expect a lot of love when it came to my casual writings since they take I don’t know an hour or so in creating, so thank you everyone who encouraged me to do this.

Just ignore the fact I’ve been lazy at updating the drabbles, shhhh.

-Building One Up

Marcanne, my beloved. Me and my friend kept talking about how Anne was a buff dork and this was at a time where no one really focused on that except mainly on Sasha when it came to strength (for obvious reasons).

I found this slander (I’m joking, by the way) and decided that I needed to write my feelings out on the topic.

And y’all agreed with me so dthdfthtfhtfht.

This also was the first time I had to hone in on a new form of characterization entirely, being that I infused the character’s thoughts and feelings into the way the prose flowed out itself. For Marcy, I went on a pretty analytical front with this piece, and it helped me get into the groove for people like Anne and Sasha and many others over the course of writing.

-Late Night Talks

I didn’t expect this one to blow up at all. I wrote this at one a.m. and y’all just grabbed this fic and ran, I am still confused.

5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I respond to comments all the time because comments just give a lot of serotonin, you know? Someone took their time out of their day to remark on things I did in the work itself, and it’s just very validating to see. It also creates this environment that says, “Yes, I see you, and you can interact with me anytime you want.” so it’s all about that friendliness unless you’re rude to me back.

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Pizza for One. Had an angst kick when SUF occurred so I milked it whenever my motivation got the best of me.

7) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I don’t write crossovers unless you mean a crossover of characters to a new environment and set of rules. I would gladly write characters into the FMA world, oh my Lord!

But I guess the craziest stuff I’d written would just be comedy sketches? Best example would be Joe and Bessie having kids and Marcy having a conniption over it, so take that what you will.

8) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I don’t believe so? I did get one person on my old SU fic asking me to continue while giving me unsolicited advice but they apologized not soon after.

9) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I do write smut. I write it privately but I adore characterization and intimacy, and so I try to make rather domestic pieces that connect to the characters themselves. If it has a certain kink, I make sure to research it so I could understand why the character finds the act rather arousing, and I just want to pay respects to the act itself.

Even with our current day and age, there’s still a lot of conservative anti-sex rhetoric going around, and I always try to view the act of physical intimacy in the same lens as one who adores love in all its different facets and forms.

10) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope.

11) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope to that either!

12) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Sadly, no. I do art trades with people and those are lovely to do since we get to brainstorm and make art together, but I’ve never co-written work with someone. If anyone wants to do that, then sure, just hit me up.

13) What’s your all time favourite ship?

It changes every season, every morning tide, every peace loving hour on the Planet Earth.

It’s Marcanne, right now.

When it comes to ships I always go with the Friends-to-Lovers dynamic, but a lot of the ships I have come from seeing the amount of intrigue in how that type of ship would play out. That could be with Kannao and the amount of commentary over Japanese gender biases, or Royai with their very complicated but extensive adoration and loyalty to one another.

For Marcanne, it’s all about that playful banter that could definitely bubble out of the surface if you just (bangs table) allow them to communicate and be transparent fully. (cries)

14) What’s a WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Sadly, that Anne fic with her confiding in Hop Pop after they get settled in her house. After what happened with the sneak peek, I realized that this fic would need a lot of build-up to be satisfying and I didn’t have the strength to do a 10k build-up to Anne crying.

Maybe I’ll finish it, we’ll see.

15) What are your writing strengths?

Writing strengths would be concise prose and characterization. I am a worry wart, I worry over the importance of each paragraph and how it all forms and transitions together, it’s just a part of how I work a great deal of the time. And man, characterization is the big one for me, if I don’t understand how the people work and could theoretically function in the story itself, I feel absolutely lost.

Which is also the reason why I’m struggling right now with FDD Chapter Eight, because Marcy’s reaction to Yunan keeps eluding my grasp!

16) What are your writing weaknesses?

I overthink a lot. Concise prose is great but I force myself to get all fancy and massive with details since I’ve got to unless I want a specific part to be so quick and unmeaningful, and this leads to pacing issues or just not enough intended time for people to breathe in the fic itself.

17) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I need to get a beta to make sure I don’t sound like an asshole, haha. I do love other languages, they are beautiful and can add a lot towards an audience who does know the language itself, but it depends on the work I’m doing.

18) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

That would be uhhhhh, my memory is lacking but Minecraft. The whole videogame had a wish fulfillment atmosphere to it, and since I got rather obsessed by how anything could happen in the engine itself I went with it.

19) What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

When it comes to me, my own perception of my art changes day to day. Back when I first posted the Lapidot fic I thought it was the best thing I’ve ever done even though now, with the knowledge I have from workshops and betas, that the style I drafted had a lot of grammar and prose mistakes that I wouldn’t make in the future. It is pretty subjective, but for now I think the best fic I could look at right now would be amestrian catcher (set something ablaze).

Thank you Calamity once again for this! And I’ll be tagging @resplendent-chungus, @aanau, and @golddragon387!

#tag game #personal

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aloesarchives · 4 years

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Imai Cosmo Headcanons

Alright, now it's time for sunshine boy Cosmo.

(Edit: I am so sorry, I accidentally deleted this for some reason. Sorry for the inconvenience)

You met Cosmo when you both were first years in high school. You just recently transfer to his school in the beginning of the year for reasons not disclose(just move to Japan, came from a different school, etc.)

It was a hard time making friends because you were new and no one would approach you. But it didn’t stop Cosmo from wanting to be with your friend.

Cosmo is pretty much a social butterfly and is always friendly to everyone. When he said hi to you, the first thing you took notice was his bubbly personality. After that encounter, Cosmo actually made it his goal to be your friend. Everyday at school, he would always talk to you when he has the chance. And during after school you two would hang out together whether it be eating out or looking at the latest version of some Martial Arts magazine.

Thanks to the time you have been spending with him, he’s one of your closest friends you have. It’s kinda known around the school that you two always hang out with each other.

You also come over to his house to tutor Cosmo b/c he wasn’t doing so well in math so you had to help out a homie. You did have some encounters with his brother, Meteor. You get along with him as the two of you share the struggle of taking care of Cosmo.

Cosmo’s enthusiasm is contagious and even when you kinda hit your lowest Cosmo’s vibe just somehow revives you and you smile once again.

Cosmo’s energy is so bright and powerful that you feel like you’re standing in the presence of the sun and you need some goddamn visors to look because he’s just pure and happy all the time that it hurts your entire being. But it’s in a good way, sis.

Throughout the time you spent with Cosmo, you notice that every once in a while that he would have a bruise or a bandage on his face or arm when he wears his short sleeve shirt. Come to think of it, Cosmo somehow has some sort of injury that can’t be explained in normal terms. Even when you ask Cosmo when he gets his injuries and small scuffs, he’ll just brush it off with an excuse that wouldn’t add up or make sense to the injury. But again you don’t push it since when you try to press on the issue that Cosmo switched the topic immediately and has completely forgotten about the conversation.

You did at one point remember that Cosmo did have a small rebellious stage but one day he stopped for some reason you don’t know about. But even so, it doesn’t calm your concerns of Cosmo’s random injuries.

In short, he’s really bad at hiding them and not making something obvious. But you being you, you didn’t push on the matter out of consideration.

Now that I mention that, you also notice Cosmo getting ripped and becoming more muscular. Cosmo actually lets you feel his arms and back when you ask him, he’s completely fine with it. Fam, no gonna lie, it has a nice feel to it.

(Y/N):Hey Cosmo, have you been working out lately? You’re back has been getting toned as of recently.

Cosmo: Actually yeah, I’ve been working out more nowadays. Do you want to feel my back, (Y/N)?

(Y/N): Sure, if you’re fine with it.

Cosmo: Go right ahead.

*Proceeds to feels Cosmo’s back

(Y/N): Woah! You’re pretty ripped, Cos!

There were some subtle hints that Cosmo had that kept being in your sight. Like his physical strength when the class would play volleyball, or doing those fitness test everyone has to take, he was somehow on the top on it. Or at least there was a far seeable gap than he was to you and the rest of the class.

You, for sure, know Cosmo is hiding something when Cosmo would turn you down to hang out because he had some business to do. What only push your suspicions was when you were walking home one day from school and a car past by you. Although it was a nice car and you didn’t really care for it, the thing that caught your eye was who was in it. You saw a tan man with cool shades driving the car and Cosmo was in the passenger seat next to him. As the car sped off, you stood still on the sidewalk, completely confused. You’ve seen that guy before when you would go to the gym, but you didn’t put any thought to it.

I mean you don’t to bug him about all of this because you don’t want to be nosy and pester him about it. But you know Cosmo isn’t gonna spill the beans anytime soon so you keep it to yourself.

God, I really, really like to headcanon that Kureshi is a distant uncle/relative of your’s that you’re somewhat close to. You don’t tell Cosmo right off the bat because you thought it wasn’t super important. All you tell him is that your uncle owns a gym and during after school sometimes you go there to train/exercise with him. Cosmo doesn't think much of it too since you didn’t make a big deal out of it. But he was curious on what gym your uncle runs and that at you one point you mentioned he was a fighter too.

The way you found out was pretty much very coincidental. While you were at the gym, your uncle aka Kureshi mentions to you that he took up a student and took him under his wing. This was odd for you because you never saw your uncle to be one to take up someone for training. When he mentions to you that the person he’s training is around the same age and goes to the same high school, you were intrigued by who it was. The week you found out about this was the same week that finals/ heavy testing was being held and so you wanted to distress by going to the gym. You asked Cosmo if he wanted to hang out 2 hours before you go to the gym but he said he was going to do training at a gym beforehand and had to turn down your offer. You were kind of bummed out but you couldn’t convince him otherwise so oh well. Upon going to the gym, you get a text from your uncle that his student came to train and asked if you wanted to meet him. You said why not and when upon arriving to the gym, your uncle greet you and took you to see his student who was dealing some good blows to one of the gym’s punching bags. Upon further inspection, the boy looked familiar, too familiar. Without thinking, you blurted out Cosmo’s name. After stopping his workout, he turn to you and the both of you had equally shocked faces while Kureshi was having a kick out of it. When you looked at your uncle and asked if he was his student, the answer was fairly obvious and you just stood there while trying to process all of this. When Cosmo asked you why you were there, you explained Kureshi and stuff. It was a awkward few minutes before you decided to change into your workout clothes and doing some training of your own. After you were done with your workout, you took a shower and changed into some casual clothes. You waited for Cosmo to be done and the two of you would head home together after bedding your uncle farewell.

Since you caught Cosmo training, he couldn’t really hid it from you anymore because you saw him there at the gym and he had a entirely different training regiment than the average person. You got the courage to ask him about what’s the training for while telling him your suspicions. Cosmo kinda went silent, which is unlike him to do so especially in your presences. Then Cosmo just spills everything to you, the training, the bruises, the times he had to decline your offers to hang out, he explained himself to you why he had to it. At the mention of Kengan Matches and underground fighting, you thought this was like fight club or something. But snapping out of your thoughts, you didn’t see Cosmo any less differently and told him that his secret is safe with you. Cosmo is grateful for you and that he’s glad you’re understanding.

One day, when Cosmo didn’t come to Kureshi’s gym, you asked your uncle how he meet Cosmo. He told you that Cosmo got into a fight with a few guys that had him on the ropes before he stepped in himself to save Cosmo. While at it, your uncle ask about your thoughts on Cosmo and his potential in fighting. When you answered with a Cosmo having untapped potential, Kureshi made a deal with you. He said he’ll allow you to watch Cosmo’s matches and cover your back when you parents ask about your whereabouts. In return, you have to help him train Cosmo and update him on his matches. You didn’t even think about it, you just took the deal and the rest is history.

Another time, you met Mr. Nishihonji while training Cosmo. Apparently he used to use this gym a while back. After learning he was Cosmo’s sponsor/ fighting for his company, you do remember Cosmo subtly mentioning him in your conversations in the past and now you meet him in the flesh. He made a good impression of himself to you and ever since then you’ve been chill with him. The man means well so he doesn’t really give off any bad vibe that you can tell.

Mr. Nishihonji has picked up the both of you from school when Cosmo has a match. Once school is over, you two would head over to where his car is and people from your school would just gawk because who knew the two of you were hanging out with a rich man with a nice car. This happens a lot where you kinda get use to it.

Your crush/love for Cosmo is built up over time and isn’t too obvious that other people can catch on but people close to you can see something is up with you when your around Cosmo. When people ask you about it, you brush it off as simple friendship you have for him. People won’t push it but people like Kureshi and Mr. Nishihonji can piece things together to where they have an fundamental understanding that you really care about Cosmo.

Speaking of Kureshi, your uncle Kureshi loves to fucking tease you about you and Cosmo. He really gets a kick out of how you get all tsundere on him when he does. It’s like an inside joke you have with each other and it’s family love, that’s all.

You never confessed to Cosmo because you 1.) don’t want to ruin or make the friendship awkward, and 2.) you don’t think Cosmo feels the same way as he is oblivious to your small actions/hints towards him.

And by the way, Cosmo is fucking oblivious to everything unless pointed out by him. This sadly includes your feelings, sis. This is one of the things Cosmo needs you in his life because of this. He’s oblivious to the point where you had to point out or explain things to him when he doesn’t get it or it goes over his head.

But your feelings becomes evident when the Kengan tournament goes under way and that you were invited to go with him. You watch on the sidelines, with Mr. Nishihonji of course, Cosmo’s matches. You knew after his first match ended that this tournament was something else when you saw the line up and after Cosmo fainted into Mr. Nishihonji’s arms after exiting the pit. You knew that Cosmo was not going to have an easy time in his matches and he needed to know this. Although you have faith in Cosmo, it’s not impossible to remember that this isn’t a simple walk in the park.

After beating Adam, Adam kinda just became your friend instantly. Like after Cosmo convinced him, he just stuck around the two of you. Even though you hate what comes out of his mouth, Adam isn’t really a jerk and tries to unlearn the things he has said to the two of you. When Adam stays in Japan for training, he literally becomes you best friend/ brother at this point. Adam is probably the only person that actually caught on

But the thing that has been bothering you is Cosmo’s naivety. There’s nothing wrong with his happy go lucky attitude. It’s just, Cosmo doesn’t seem to be grounded a lot in certain situations where he’ll understand the dangers/risks that come with this. Especially when it came down to fighting. You do warn him of being careful and taking the fight seriously, but he just say don’t worry and not really mean it. You knew that this would be problem because Cosmo takes his fighting skills for granted. You love the man but wish he would understand how grave some matches could’ve been if he didn’t take them down sooner.

But that fight with Akoya, oh my fucking god. First off, Fuck Akoya and his justice boner. Second, god this fight did some ever lasting damage on you. This was one of those surreal life changing moments that you can never forget even if you tried. The fight, in it of itself, was one of the most intense, gruesome, but slightly breathtaking things you have ever bear to witness. Although you hate to say this, this was the fight that Cosmo needed for his break through. This gave Cosmo what he’s been looking for in order to evolve and better his fighting.

However, this fight was to you was gut wrenching and mentally breaking. Like when you caught Hiyama helping out Akoya in the matches with Adam and Mr. Nishihonji, something was wrong by her desperate reaction to continue to help Akoya. Then the next you know was when you look down towards the arena, Akoya goes berserk and went total psycho on Cosmo. From biting a chunk of Cosmo’s leg off, cracking his ribs, and practically torturing him by bring him back to conscious after Cosmo pasted out. You, on the other hand, couldn’t shout as nothing would come out of your mouth no matter how hard you tried. Tears were building up, your heart was pounding out of your chest, it was hard to watch. Two things could’ve happened next, you either fainted from the immense fear where Adam had to catch you or you glued your eyes to the match and gripped the concrete so hard your finger nails got damage along with bleeding finger tips. Let’s go with the second one, then. The match in-front of you seem one sided and you feared for Cosmo’s life. But deep down, for some goddamn reason, you believe he can pull through if he found his motivation and drive. You called yourself stupid for having so much faith in him but he never has once let you down, so why should you? Once you said that Cosmo has a chance, Adam thought you were nuts but the unwavering hope said otherwise. For Cosmo, he has the classic anime protag shit where in a near death experience he has a bunch of flashbacks. Most of them was his time training with his master, however, some were times spent with you. With all the memories, Cosmo wanted to win, not just for his life and master, but for you as well. When Cosmo started to have his epiphany and turning the fight around in his favor, you never yelled as hard and as loud in your entire life. You bet his ass that he heard it. After the brutal few minutes, Cosmo came out the victor and you have never felt so relieve and exhausted in your life. You cried, fam, there's no doubt (I cried too, don't worry). When you came to get him and send him to the infirmary, you stuck to him for the rest of the tournament.

The fight didn’t make Cosmo realize he loved you, but it did stir up something inside of him that made him view you in a new light. In which he didn’t want to spend a moment without you. Man, you yelled at him for almost dying on you but spoke of your relief to him. He just apologizes and said he’ll win his next fight. It’s a very tender moment between the two of you.

What shock you the most was Kureshi suddenly appearing at the quarter finals tournament, he stated that he wanted to see Cosmo’s progress. It was odd seeing him but it was probably important as the tournament was nearing the end. He was up against Ohma which prove to be a powerful opponent. But alas, Cosmo was defeated by him. While he sat in one of the waiting rooms, you were right next to him, comforting him. Then you let your emotions speak for themselves, how you were proud of him for coming so far especially someone for his age, that he shouldn’t stop here and strive for more, and that you’ll give him your undying support. Then Cosmo pulls you into a hug and just cries it out, you smile and held him close.

After a few months after the tournament, Cosmo realizes he has feelings for you and confessed to you after he took you out to eat. And the rest is history.

Being with Cosmo is great (I say this with almost everyone, so bear with me). Being happy 24/7, a lot of hugs and kiss, spending endless hours with him. The man, himself, is a ball of sunshine at just happens to be your boyfriend.

The man loves you unconditionally no matter what. He doesn’t really have a preference on appearance. However, I’ll do say that if you’re shorter than him(he’s 5′6 i think), he’s over the moon because it adds some cuteness to you. The man loves you.

Cosmo really likes hugs and cuddles. He knows not the strangle you when he’s cuddling with you, but he loves to squeeze you tight. Meteor has caught the two of you sleeping on the couch in each other embrace in more than one occasion. Meteor thinks it’s cute and doesn’t disturb you two.

Cosmo is more than okay with PDA. He can’t really keep his hands off of you, yet he’ll respect your boundaries. He’ll hold your hand, arm around your waist or shoulder, giving small pecks to you. He’s not afraid of showing you off.

He’s a playful kisser, he likes to play around with you. But there are times where he does kiss you passionately, but that’s usually in private though. Before his matches, it’s a must for you to kiss him before he goes out and fights. Sometimes he kisses you out of nowhere and when you ask him, he just says I love you and stuff.

I can see him calling you baby/babe/ and love. It just sounds like him.

The man’s always hugging you from behind.

I’m gonna say since no one has said it louder: Cosmo with his hair slicked back makes him from cute to instant HOT. Deadass when you see he like with his hair like that, you cheeks heat up quickly and you just quietly freaking over his hair. You tell him that it looks better on him(which it does, btw) but he says it’s a simple haircut for him.

I headcanon that you and Kureshi gave him the idea to grow out his hair since it’ll suit him more. When his hair gets long enough, you sometimes braid his hair or brush it. To him, it’s a very relaxing moment since you’re kinda spoiling him.

Cheer for this man and he will definitely fight even harder in his matches. You’re his motivations.

Cosmo does have nosebleeds so make sure to bring some tissues.

Before the Kengan Omega, you had to help him take care of himself but after the two years he doesn’t have to, or rather not as much.

The only time you got jealous was probably when you found that Mr. Nishihonji took Cosmo to a brothel(?) and you finding out Cosmo had a taste for older women kinda sat with you the wrong way even though you two weren’t an item yet. You didn’t tell him out right what was wrong because you thought it was stupid to be feel jealous. It made you avoid Cosmo for like a day or two. You still haven’t told him yet about it and it will remain like that to this day.

You did take note on Cosmo’s estrange friend group aka the fighters. They’re not intimidating people. You actually had a run in with Wakatsuki on accident. Cosmo invited you to come hang out with him but you were busying with errands that you sadly had to decline. While you were fast walking to your next destination, you bumped into someone and tripped on your own foot. Before your face touched the ground, Wakatsuki caught you and helped you up. He apologizes for bumping into you because he didn’t see you. You said you were fine and ask what he was doing, he stated he was waiting for a friend of his. After you excuse yourself to continue your day, Cosmo comes around the corner as you left. While they were eating, Wakatsuki told Cosmo ran into you. When Cosmo said “oh, you met my girlfriend?” Wakatsuki had to pause because, like what?, the girl/person he bumped into was Cosmo’s girlfriend. Big shocker for him. Before you guys became a thing, Sakura, Sekibayashi, and Wakatsuki, would tease Cosmo about girls that would know him. I mean, they do this a lot when it was with you but to know the two of you ended up together caught them blind sided.

The fact Cosmo can take down opponents twice his size and age is pretty amazing in your eyes. Man’s short but damn can he pull off some impressive moves. Proud to call him your boyfriend honestly.

Food buddy, you guys love to eat with eat other. It’s pretty obvious that Cosmo loves to eat. The man takes you out to eat all the time, fucking bet on that shit.

When Cosmo loves you, he will LOVE you to death. Sure, you were hard on him when he’s training, but he is thankful for you being with him for the long run.

Being in a relationship with Cosmo is just full of fun and love even though it does get serious at some points. Cosmo never fails to show you that he loves you and how much you mean to him.

#kengan ashura #kengan omega #kengan ashura headcanons #imai cosmo × reader #imai cosmo

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jaarimasheng · 3 years

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My Favorite Grey’s Anatomy Characters (FEMALE)

I vaguely remember hearing my mom talk about Grey’s Anatomy when I was young. I then thought about it as an “adult show” (not in the pg18 sense, but like the shows that adults watch), so when Netflix put the show up, I decided to give it a try. The least I expected out of this show was to get attached to the characters and the show itself. But then it gives me so many emotions every time I watch. I have cried, laughed and fell in love again and again. 11 seasons in, and here I am, dedicating a whole blog post (AND MORE TO COME) to the show.

Not only that but the show showcases some of the strongest female characters in television history. They featured women with tragic and very traumatic backstories, and turned them into very inspiring ones. ⁽ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒˢᵗ ᶜᵒⁿᵗᵃᶦⁿˢ ˢᵖᵒᶦˡᵉʳˢ ᵉˢᵖ ᶠᵒʳ ᵗʰᵒˢᵉ ʷʰᵒ ʰᵃᵛᵉⁿ'ᵗ ʷᵃᵗᶜʰᵉᵈ ᵃⁿʸ ᵉᵖᶦˢᵒᵈᵉˢ ʸᵉᵗ⁾

1. 𝓜𝓮𝓻𝓮𝓭𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓖𝓻𝓮𝔂

ᵖᶦᶜᵗᵘʳᵉ ᵗᵃᵏᵉⁿ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵖᶦⁿᵗᵉʳᵉˢᵗ

Who doesn’t love a heavily traumatized lead character? Merdith Grey is not only a badass for overcoming her traumas despite ignoring them for years, but she’s also a badass for taking them as her life lessons and learning from her past mistakes.

Some of Meredith’s traumas:

She unknowingly has seen her mom with her lover (at such a young age)

Saw how ruined her mom got when both her marriage and the extra marital relationship didn’t work out

Suffered the consequences of her mom's ambitious nature

She had to live with her mom’s expectations and had to live in her shadow after following her footsteps

Became a mistress without knowing and was humiliated by Derek’s wife

Has seen her friends on the deathbed

Almost got herself killed a couple of times

Suffered from miscarriage

Got cheated on

Lost her sister on a plane crash she was also in

ABANDONMENT! Literally almost everyone she loved has moved away or died

And many more. But then, she kept going. She proved her mom wrong. She proved her traumas wrong. She went on to build a happy family despite coming from a very broken one. She has forgiven people who did her wrong so many times. She took on the career that had stolen her mom and her childhood away, (and she’s rocking it). She became the mom she never had to her kids and the wife her mom never was. She has done it all with her humility intact. She’s literally an icon of being a bad bxtch: a badass, tough, and classy queen.

“𝐹𝒶𝒾𝓁𝓊𝓇𝑒 𝒾𝓈 𝒾𝓃𝑒𝓋𝒾𝓉𝒶𝒷𝓁𝑒, 𝓊𝓃𝒶𝓋𝑜𝒾𝒹𝒶𝒷𝓁𝑒. 𝐵𝓊𝓉 𝒻𝒶𝒾𝓁𝓊𝓇𝑒 𝓈𝒽𝑜𝓊𝓁𝒹 𝓃𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝑔𝑒𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓁𝒶𝓈𝓉 𝓌𝑜𝓇𝒹. 𝒴𝑜𝓊 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓉𝑜 𝒽𝑜𝓁𝒹 𝑜𝓃 𝓉𝑜 𝓌𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓌𝒶𝓃𝓉. 𝒴𝑜𝓊 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓉𝑜 𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝓉𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝓃𝑜 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝒶𝓃 𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓌𝑒𝓇, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓉𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝓌𝒽𝒶𝓉’𝓈 𝒸𝑜𝓂𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝑜 𝓎𝑜𝓊. 𝒩𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝑔𝒾𝓋𝑒 𝒾𝓃. 𝒩𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝑔𝒾𝓋𝑒 𝓊𝓅. 𝒮𝓉𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓊𝓅. 𝒮𝓉𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓊𝓅 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓉𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝒾𝓉.”- Meredith Grey, Season 10 Episode 12

2. 𝓛𝓮𝔁𝓲𝓮 𝓖𝓻𝓮𝔂

ᵖᶦᶜᵗᵘʳᵉ ᵗᵃᵏᵉⁿ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵖᶦⁿᵗᵉʳᵉˢᵗ

Being raised as an only child, I couldn’t really blame Meredith for reacting the way she did when she first met Lexie. Not to mention she started off as someone who **almost flirted with Derek when he was being unstable with Mer. She isn’t Meredith’s only sister, but they share the same dream and passion: medicine. She was known among the residents as “Lexipedia” because of her photographic memory. Not only am I very much attracted to intelligent characters, but Lexie was also quirky and funny. She easily forgave Meredith and tried her best to understand her. They were able to work past their issues and be the best sister duo in the show, and Derek’s best neuro student. She’s someone who’s filled with so much love, and therefore gave as much love as she had in her.

At first, I couldn’t understand why she decided to let go of Mark instead of being open for discussion with him in regards to Mark’s children. they were literally perfect for each other and seeing her evade the topic on hand was somehow disappointing. But then, I remember her talking about being young and not being able to accept being a grandma. And it was something she had to accept even though Mark didn’t ask for her to. Because it was a part of who Mark was. And like she mentioned on the show, it’s not something someone so young can process right away. She needed time. Realizing how much she loved Mark and how ready she is to take it all in, she got brave and was ready to try again. I miss seeing her on the show. I wish her and Mark got their happy ending together. “𝐼𝓉 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈 𝒻𝑒𝑒𝓁𝓈 𝓁𝒾𝓀𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝒾𝓈 𝒿𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝓅𝑒𝓇𝓈𝑜𝓃 𝒾𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝓌𝑜𝓇𝓁𝒹 𝓉𝑜 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒. 𝒜𝓃𝒹 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓃 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒻𝒾𝓃𝒹 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒𝒷𝑜𝒹𝓎 𝑒𝓁𝓈𝑒, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒾𝓉 𝒿𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝓈𝑒𝑒𝓂𝓈 𝒸𝓇𝒶𝓏𝓎 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝓌𝑜𝓇𝓇𝒾𝑒𝒹 𝒾𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒻𝒾𝓇𝓈𝓉 𝓅𝓁𝒶𝒸𝑒.” - Lexie Grey, Season 7 Episode 16

3. 𝓐𝓭𝓭𝓲𝓼𝓸𝓷 𝓜𝓸𝓷𝓽𝓰𝓸𝓶𝓮𝓻𝔂

ᵖᶦᶜᵗᵘʳᵉ ᵗᵃᵏᵉⁿ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵖᶦⁿᵗᵉʳᵉˢᵗ

Derek’s legal wife and someone who made sure Meredith knew where she should be standing especially in Derek Shepherd’s life. Other than getting tired of her husband’s passive aggressiveness especially after she cheated on him with his bestfriend, Grey’s Anatomy didn’t show us Addison’s back story much. However, her character made such an impact. She remained classy: she worked with her ex-husband and his “mistress”, and tried her hardest to keep things professional, acknowledged her mistakes which caused her marriage demise and gracefully moved on. I think I’ll be watching Private Practice as well because of her.

“𝐼 𝓃𝑒𝑒𝒹 𝒶 𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓈𝑜𝓃 𝓉𝑜 𝑔𝑒𝓉 𝓊𝓅 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓎 𝓂𝑜𝓇𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔.”- Addison Montgomery

4. 𝓒𝓻𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓲𝓷𝓪 𝓨𝓪𝓷𝓰

ᵖᶦᶜᵗᵘʳᵉ ᵗᵃᵏᵉⁿ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵖᶦⁿᵗᵉʳᵉˢᵗ

We all need a bestfriend that brings us back to the ground when we’ve flown too high, who understands us more than we probably understand ourselves, who won’t judge us based on the decisions we make but won’t also hesitate to correct us when we’re taking the wrong way. We all need someone we can call our other half: our person. Meredith was lucky to have Cristina, and Cristina with Meredith. They started seeing each other as rivals, but grew to love each other more than like sisters. Both are strong, goal oriented, smart and gorgeous. Their opinions may clash at times, they’ve gone through countless misunderstandings, but things will always work out between them because they’re each other’s persons. She proved herself to be a main character on her own. Definitely not your “asian sidekick”. To some, Cristina may come off as arrogant, obnoxious and a know-it-all. But she’s like that because she has always walked her talk. She knows her capabilities and she’ll stop at nothing for the sake of improvement and expanding her knowledge. She’s an independent woman who tends to forget how much of a bad bitch she is at times, but before things get out of hand she goes right back to her self.

“𝐻𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒 𝒻𝒾𝓇𝑒. 𝐵𝑒 𝓊𝓃𝓈𝓉𝑜𝓅𝓅𝒶𝒷𝓁𝑒. 𝐵𝑒 𝒶 𝒻𝑜𝓇𝒸𝑒 𝑜𝒻 𝓃𝒶𝓉𝓊𝓇𝑒. 𝐵𝑒 𝒷𝑒𝓉𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓃 𝒶𝓃𝓎𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒹𝑜𝓃’𝓉 𝑔𝒾𝓋𝑒 𝒶 𝒹𝒶𝓂𝓃 𝓌𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝒶𝓃𝓎𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝓀𝓈. 𝒯𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝓃𝑜 𝓉𝑒𝒶𝓂𝓈 𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒, 𝓃𝑜 𝒷𝓊𝒹𝒹𝒾𝑒𝓈. 𝒴𝑜𝓊’𝓇𝑒 𝑜𝓃 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝑜𝓌𝓃. 𝐵𝑒 𝑜𝓃 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝑜𝓌𝓃.”- Cristina Yang, Season 4 Episode 15

“𝒟𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝓁𝑒𝓉 𝓌𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝒽𝑒 𝓌𝒶𝓃𝓉𝓈 𝑒𝒸𝓁𝒾𝓅𝓈𝑒 𝓌𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓃𝑒𝑒𝒹. 𝐻𝑒'𝓈 𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓎 𝒹𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓂𝓎, 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝒽𝑒'𝓈 𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓈𝓊𝓃. 𝒴𝑜𝓊 𝒶𝓇𝑒.” - Cristina Yang, Season 10 Episode 24

5. 𝓐𝓹𝓻𝓲𝓵 𝓚𝓮𝓹𝓷𝓮𝓻

ᵖᶦᶜᵗᵘʳᵉ ᵗᵃᵏᵉⁿ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵖᶦⁿᵗᵉʳᵉˢᵗ

She started off to be annoying, especially with the Mercy-Westers trying to “replace” our OG residents in Seattle Grace. With her unnecessarily high pitched voice and her obsession with faith, I did have a hard time watching her at first. Not to mention her clumsiness that almost cost the other residents’ job. However, not loving April Kepner is impossible. She grows on you, with her amazing character development.

She’s sweet, funny and kind. And she never forces her religion to other people, instead she inspires others using it. She proves that her charming appearance hides a charismatic strong and opinionated woman who never backs down especially when she knows she’s right. She never lets other people influence her decision and she sticks by with what she believes is the best. It’s also right to mention how well she manages the ER and how amazing of a trauma surgeon she is. She has her fair share of wrong decisions, a fair amount of people she has hurt, but that didn’t hinder her from giving the love inside of her around. She’s an amazing surgeon, an awesome friend and a very inspiring woman.

“𝐼 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓉𝑜 𝒷𝑒𝓁𝒾𝑒𝓋𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓃 𝒾𝒻 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓈𝑒𝑒𝓂𝓈 𝓁𝒾𝓀𝑒 𝒾𝓉 𝒸𝒶𝓃'𝓉 𝒷𝑒 𝒻𝒾𝓍𝑒𝒹, 𝒹𝑜𝑒𝓈𝓃'𝓉 𝓂𝑒𝒶𝓃 𝒾𝓉'𝓈 𝒷𝓇𝑜𝓀𝑒𝓃.”- April Kepner, Season 12 Episode 11

An honorable mention to this list: 𝓗𝓮𝓪𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝓑𝓻𝓸𝓸𝓴𝓼

ᵖᶦᶜᵗᵘʳᵉ ᵗᵃᵏᵉⁿ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵖᶦⁿᵗᵉʳᵉˢᵗ

Mousey! My favorite post plane crash intern. She was more of a background character, but she was too cute not to notice. Not to mention she’s always been quirky, weird and pure. She rarely spoke bad against her attendings and her co-intern and Derek Shepherd treasured her so much. She could’ve been an amazing neurosurgeon.

AND THAT CONCLUDES this list (so far) I have 8 more seasons to catch up on and maybe someday, I’ll be able to edit and add more on to the list. Currently, Amelia and Jo are growing on me. Arizona has disappointed me so many times, Callie is starting to annoy me, Bailey is becoming less of a teacher like she’s always been and I’ve just started knowing Maggie Pierce, hence I didn’t include them. I can’t wait to write more about Grey’s. Weirdly enough, it has been my pandemic comfort show-- along with The Twilight Saga.

UPDATE ON THIS LIST: I have finally finished the 15 seasons in Netflix (still waiting for the last 2 seasons I AM BEGGING NETFLIX TO PLS UPLOAD IT NOW) and I have another addition on the list.

7. 𝓐𝓶𝓮𝓵𝓲𝓪 𝓢𝓱𝓮𝓹𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓭

ᵖᶦᶜᵗᵘʳᵉ ᵗᵃᵏᵉⁿ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵖᶦⁿᵗᵉʳᵉˢᵗ

She’s known as the Shepherds’ trouble child, a black sheep, the disturbed daughter. However, I believe we can all agree that Amelia is an amazing woman who’s misunderstood because of her unresolved childhood trauma, abandonment and daddy issues. Aside from her wit and skills as a neurosurgeon, I think she’s a great teacher and an awesome friend. She wasn’t the best wife to Owen, but I think she knows that she did her best. I have yet to see how her story with Linc unfolds but let me just put how amazing she is out here.

She has the funniest dark jokes and seeing her around is just a joy. Her sisters are truly missing out by shutting her out.

#greys greysanatomy shondaland #greys #greys anatomy #meredith grey #lexie grey #april kepner #addison montgomery #cristina yang #amelia shepherd

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sleepymccoy · 4 years

Text

It has been so long since we had a renaissance dress update, but we're back! For those who've forgotten, or are new, here is a link to my most recent post (which was like. june I think.

So, a few details that I did get to in the interim! As well as my movement today

First off, I sewed in a little flap thing to cover the blue under fabric from showing through at the bust

This ^ is the shirt inside out! I'm not sure I've shown the inside of it properly since I made it :) So you can see the blue flap where the hard book cover sits. In the second pic you can see the little clips I've sewn in cos the book kept sliding up and out. In the third is my new red flap that covers the blue! It has no structural purpose, it's totally aesthetic. Then the fourth pic is sorts showing the layout from the front. Irl my tits are behind it all so it never gapes open like that

This is the back, which doesn't need the extra flap bit cos the shoulder straps hide the blue enough

I also, at some point, sewed this little pleated thing on the back to cover up the back clasp which I've begun to hate!!

I couldn't get the fabric to sit flat and nicely while covering the jeans zipper that it working as my functional clasp. So I made this little pleat, the size of which was designated by the amount of scrap fabric I had left, and sewed it on one side. The other side, where it needs to be detachable so I can get in and out, is held in place by more little clippy things. Love those boys.

This is the best photo I got (taken after the next step, sorry that's out of order lol)

So the back is passable! And no longer annoying me! :)

Today, I remembered that an ex had left a bunch of plastic-y blankets at my house when she went back to Germany, so I decided to have a go at padding!! See if I can get that little waist big hips look going. This took many hours, in the end. Lots of trying on and off

This is how I folded the blanket to make it gather at the back. Then I sewed it into more rounded edges and attached it to my under skirt

It's outrageously warm, guys. I think the dress with be work without the padded skirt if we go out on a warm day. It hit 28 degrees today, 83 for you silly americans, and wow! It was warm in a skirt made of blankets! Huh!

Anyway, the silhouette is fun

I also hemmed my shawl thing and cut some excess of cos I'm now planning on wearing this for Halloween and I'll need a mask. So I made a mask out of it!

It'll be good to be matching :) just not sure how to make the outfit spooky for Halloween lol

That's where it's at! It would be totally wearable now, I'm very pleased. I feel like I still wanna add some details to the hat I made back when. And I need to re hem the under skirt and check the hem on the main skirt cos I think it's falling sometimes. I also need to buy a better ribbon for the from lace, I don't like the pink.

Beyond that, all good! And, turns out I didn't out too much weight on through winter cos the shirt fit. I really wasn't sure lol

EDIT

omg I went back and reread my last post. I've added pockets since then! It was so long ago I forgot

The red skirt has four pockets now, I'm figuring out how to add another big one for a wine bottle. I will include pics next time xx

#sleepy speaks #sleepy makes a dress #if you wanna see my earlier posts #all of them have the sleepy makes a dress tag #craft

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girl4music · 4 years

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My review of the XBOX Series X

So I’ve had nearly a full week with the XBOX Series X and here is my honest opinion on my experience with it and this is my initial review of it. I’m not gonna talk about the technology or go into anything about the console’s hardware too deeply. I will talk about the features and benefits it offers. Going into some things that work and don’t work as well as promised by Microsoft and XBOX. Finally, I will talk about all the bugs and issues that I experienced and found most annoying. Most of which have already been identified and reported.

First up, be aware that I am coming from an XBOX 360 as my last XBOX console experience so I may say stuff that applies to the XBOX One as well.

1. BACKWARDS COMPATIBILITY AND AUTO HDR: Microsoft promised that the XBOX Series X and S would work right out of the box with 1000’s of gaming titles across 4 generations. This promise holds up… However, they do not run anywhere half as well as they also promised they would. They do run better than their native platform, that is true. But it’s not a groundbreaking difference. And AUTO HDR doesn’t really work with most games that never had it to begin with. It makes the colours and textures look really odd and you don’t get that nostalgic feeling of playing an old legacy title because of the “updates”. Which is something I was very much looking forward to. It’s pick your poison I guess. You can either have a legacy game running better and looking greater on a platform that can take the graphical fidelity and framerate boosts, or have a full reunion with your beloved legacy games from your childhood. You can turn AUTO HDR off via the main console settings, but this still doesn’t really give you the latter. Not in my personal opinion anyway. It’s not disappointing as it’s not something I really expected. I just would have liked to have it. Nostalgia >>> Shiny any day.

2. QUICK RESUME AND LOADING TIMES: The XBOX Series X (can’t speak for the S) has significantly improved on speed thanks to the custom lightning fast and functional SSD. So much so that you can now travel between multiple games fully loaded up on the SSD within the time of a few seconds. However, quick resume is not only useful to be able to play between 3 or 4 games (more according to YouTube influencers who have tried and tested this out far more than me) in one sitting. You can also effectively use it to save your game. Or rather… Replace save states IN a game. What quick resume allows you to do is keep your game saved at ANY point, and completely SHUT the console down and UNPLUG it for several days (or longer, again, never tested it that far) and then PLUG it in and switch it ON again, and come back to exactly where you left off in the game. And I do mean EXACTLY WHERE YOU LEFT OFF!

For example; you could be in an all-important boss fight in ‘Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla’ and be so frustrated with not being able to beat this boss after trying many times. You could indeed just pause the game, come out to the dashboard, turn the console off and walk away from it all…. And when you came back to have another go at it, you would not have to restart the boss fight and just carry on with where you left off in chopping down their health. I did this several times because I suck at boss fights… And every time, this worked and it was the strategy that got me through them all. So a little cool off time is more than affordable with the XBOX Series X. And if you hate boss fights, suddenly you won’t hate boss fights as much anymore if you do the same. It makes a world of a difference to your experience. Believe me, quick resume is a literal life-saver.

To add to that, you also benefit from much quicker load times both with booting up the games and in-game fast-travelling or level-entering. Instead of 5 minutes waiting for a game to boot up into the main campaign or wherever,… It will take at most up to 50 seconds for the most power-taxing of games. 'Grand Theft Auto 5' for instance, known for it’s notoriously long boot into story or online mode… Now only takes 10 seconds from the company title advertisements to get into the area of the game you want to play. It is so fast that you do not have the time to read the tips and tricks dialogue that takes up the screen during the initial loading. It’s honestly a quality of life you never even knew you needed or was missing until you had it.

3. BUGS AND ISSUES: Being that I bought the XBOX Series X at Launch (November 10th), I very much expected it to come with a plethora of bugs and issues to discover and be witness to as a consumer and user of newly developed and released hardware and software. And these bugs and issues have already been identified and reported to Microsoft and the respective console and game developers. Bugs where you cannot play games that offer 4K at 120 hertz (4K/120fps) without visual and audial distortions or even without turning the game off altogether. I particularly had trouble with this in trying to play ‘Rise Of The Tomb Raider' 20 Year Celebration edition. Once I downloaded it from the XBOX Store fully, (which took a LONG FUCKING TIME, we’ll get on to that in a bit), I immediately tried to play it and because my display settings were set at 4K/120 because I have a TV that supports that setting, it was having all sorts of problems in booting up. There was all this distortion happening on screen both visually and audially that I thought my ultra high speed HDMI cable that came with the console was broken or faulty. I also remember specifically that it kept turning my Game Mode on and off rapidly and I didn’t know how to stop it avoiding a full reset of the console. This game was the worst for it but it also happened in other games I tried to play too. Including those I had as physical disks.

Speaking of… I did not encounter the “black/blank screen of death” issue other next-gen XBOX consumers and users did where you would enter a game disk and be met with a black or blank screen. BUT I did have trouble with downloading the “updates” for the games I had bought physically. I expected the games I downloaded digitally to take a long time to download fully, but I figured that it would be much quicker for the “updates” for physical games. This was not the case, and for some games, it actually took LONGER. I don’t know why this happens or if it can even be fixed in a firmware update, but it has put me off buying games physically for it, which is certainly not a good thing for store game retailers. And I’m someone who actually cares about that and would want to help them out as much as possible since they are a dying breed. But if it takes longer to download physical games than to download digital games, I’m not sure I can hold up that promise. The time it takes to download is a major frustration for me. I’ll be leaving my console on for long periods of time doing nothing but downloading that I otherwise wouldn’t. And I’ve got to say right now that I am glad I do not have an OLED TV where this would be much more of a problem due to burn-in risks. I would highly suggest anyone who is buying a new TV for their XBOX Series X or S with all the bells and whistles to not buy an OLED for this reason. Leaving an OLED TV on with a display picture that never moves for hours at a time would severely decrease it’s life and usage capacity. I recommend a Samsung QLED TV instead. That’s what I’ve got. I bought their Q95T 55inch 4K TV for gaming alone and it has not disappointed in the slightest. But I won’t go into why it’s the better TV to buy for next-gen gaming since this is not a TV review. You can look that up for yourselves at your leisure.

Another issue the XBOX Series X has is with its sharing image snapshots and video clips feature. The new controller for the console has a dedicated share button and that works really well. I’ve had no problems with it capturing the content that I want to share. But sharing to social media and to XBOX Live itself is the issue. And this happens with video clips more so than image snapshots. For some reason, when I go to share a video clip to Twitter, the load bar moves forward partly but then it immediately stops and gives me a black/blank screen. And sure enough, when I go to check my Twitter on my phone, it has not posted the video clip. And trying to share it to XBOX Live first and then share it to Twitter from my phone via the XBOX app doesn’t work either. The same issue applies here too. Black/blank screen when trying to share it to XBOX Live. Snapshot images also has this issue but every once in awhile it will allow you to share to both XBOX Live and social media (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Twitch ect…) whereas it will not allow you to share video clips at all. This is an issue Microsoft are aware of and are apparently fixing in a November firmware update at the end of the month. To what degree they fix it though is the real question because this feature is buggy as hell. So much for promoting and hyping up that dedicated share button on the controller, eh Phil Spencer and Co?

Well, that’s it. That’s been my experience with the XBOX Series X so far. Of course the pros of quick resume and loading times cut in half far outweigh the cons of faulty 4K resolution at 120 hertz gameplay and buggy sharing content features. I say do not let that put you off buying this fantastic piece of hardware because those bugs and issues can be fixed easily. The extremely long downloading for digital and physical games might not though and you might want to reconsider buying a next-gen XBOX console if you have an OLED TV. Or if you have the console already but not the TV to get the most advantages out of the console, consider buying a Samsung QLED instead. Thank you.

#xbox series x #microsoft #next-gen gaming #phil spencer #review #backwards compatibility #auto hdr #quick resume #loading times #bugs and issues #downloading #digital #physical #games

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closetedotaku01 · 4 years

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i rlly hope youll keep writing after Kinktober, bc as a writer myself i see so much potential in your writing. it's already great, but it really reminds me of my own writing from a year or two back. i was the one who asked how long you've been writing & i've been writing fanfic for 7 years so its cool to see how good you already are. youre going to improve so much over time & i'm really excited to see it, you do so many things in your stories well & theyre only going to get better! (1/2)

THIS GOT SO LONG IM SORRY!!!

This.... I—. WARMED MY HEART!! Pick a name or emoji or whatever you want and you are an official anon!! Also this got long so.. READ MORE IF YA WANNA!!

Thank you so much for saying you see potential. Sometimes I’m really.... unhappy with my work and feel like I can’t improve and this just... MADE ME SO HAPPY!! Like... hearing it from someone who does write💜💜💜💜💜 makes my whole life.

I’m so excited to keep growing and I hope you stay for the journey because this is so sweet. Maybe casually come off anon way down the road (so I can’t guess) just so I can read some of your work too 👉👈. And no worries there will be more after Kinktober. I am really enjoying this and have no plans to stop writing any time soon.

~~~~

Okay so my favorite published authors are Jandy Nelson (I’ll Give You The Sun is a book I reread constantly. It’s my comfort book. I swear if my soul was anywhere besides my body, there’s a piece of it trapped in that book.), Fredrick Backman (specifically And Every Morning the Way Home Gets Longer and Longer), Brigid Kemmerer (literally all of the books she’s published with Bloomsbury I’ve read and adored), and Neal Schusterman (Specifically the Arc of a Scythe Trilogy). They all write in ways that affect me deeply and they mean a lot to me. I don’t necessarily try to emulate them, but they definitely are the authors I consult (by reading and rereading their works) to get ideas and to learn how to write.

~~~~

Fanfic authors. I think I’ve made it pretty damn clear on here that I am hopelessly in love with @imaginethathaikyuu (I’m still too scared to tag her I’m sorry) and her writing. She means the whole world to me in every way. Her writing always hits me in a MAGICAL way. Especially her newer pieces. Works of hers that hit hard for me are: (please note this list is not comprehensive. These are just the FIRST ONES that came to mind. All her work is objectively great.)

-Tsukishima accidentally teases his s/o’s insecurity - this one holds my heart.

-Heated argument with Tsukishima - this is the angst I adore. Honestly, this might be one of my TOP TOP favorites, because it feels so real.

-Morning sex with Tsukishima -just the line “theyre your tits!” That’s all. Brings me serotonin beyond words. And it feels so genuine and lovely. Again... she makes the world so real. Also in my TOP TOP favs. (Is my Tsukki love showing too much?)

-Helping you when you can’t sleep - This is beyond words beautiful

-Helping you study - PLEASE I NEED THIS NOW

-Tanaka finding out his s/o is pregnant - YES! SHE DOES TANAKA SO WELL

-Tanka asks Kiyoko to dance.... but she says no - SO WELL

-Riding Headcanons -🙈

-S/O is nervous about him going down on her -because who ISNT the first time?

-Learning about your self-harm scars -hits close to home and Iwa’s makes me cry every time.

-Akaashi making it up to you after a fight -my favorite color is literally purple 💜

-Bokuto’s s/o has a nightmare - I literally revisit this one whenever I have a nightmare

- Kinktober 2019 - ALL .... but the ones I revisit the most are Tsukishima’s, Oikawa’s, Futakuchi’s, Yaku’s, Iwa’s, Yamaguchi’s, and Matsukawa’s.

-Kinktober 2020 - please GOD read Kuroo’s, Mattsun’s, Iwa’s, Suna’s, and Atsumu’s. They’re all immaculate but those in PARTICULAR were MASTERPIECES.

-Having an angsty fight - particularly Kuroo’s GETS TO ME. Like... damn. Makes me... melt. Idek why. It’s just, again, how real she makes it feel. From the atmosphere and setting to the way the characters behave. A lot of times in “argument angst” (is that a term?) the arguments feel so shallow and stupid. And I’m like “on my moodiest days I wouldn’t react like that” or “Kuroo WOULD NEVER”. But these feel so real. Ughhhh.

-You give Kenma a gift mid-stream

-Kenma gets turned on during a stream - can you tell I love the way she writes streamer Kenma 😌 also this is my fav nsfw-esque Kenma piece solely because it feels accurate to his character in a beautiful way despite me headcanoning that he’s ace.

-Oikawa’s s/o wakes up without him there

-Iwaizumi getting.... caught.... by Makki and Mattsun... with you -Give Iwa More Love 2020

-Tendo teasing his s/o by ... taking care of himself - One of the first Em pieces I ever read. I don’t think it was THE first. But it was definitely the first one I read like... RIGHT AFTER she posted it.

-Tendo comforting s/o who’s parents yell - hits very close to home for me, and I just wanted him to come whisk me away the first time I read this

-7MIH with Tendo -hehe I love this more than anything. Also Ushijima’s ONE line makes me CACKLE. I’m in love with this one

-This two part series with Atsumu (1) (2) -haha I reread these too often

-Kneel to Pray (Sakusa) -I have not even one criticism or negative thought. Not one. And I’ve read this TOO many times.

-Tough boys are soft for you - two of the best boys

- Countdown to Christmas - Days 6,7,11, and 12 are the ones I reread the most

THIS IS SO BAD!! I WENT STRAIGHT TO THESE AND DIDN’T THINK IT WAS THAT MANY COS I REREAD THESE ONES REGULARLY. (And there’s a lot more theatre good. Please explore her blog! It’s WONDERFUL) Sorry for spending too much time on Em’s blog, but also.... not sorry cos she’s amazing and all of these pieces inspire me. I’ll try to be fast for the rest of these ahfihfadsfsjfh.

@star-puff (catch a theme of me being scared of talented authors)’s piece La Lune and her Fleur d’Amour event (search #fleur d’amour on her blog) are so creative and beautiful and truly show how talented she is. She’s amazing. EDIT: I’m adding this as soon as I’ve read it because it just made me cry. Omg. Read this. Tsukishima royalty AU it is angst though so 👀 read at your own risk. EDIT: On GOD Meg could murder me and I’d say thanks. Please read this beautiful time stamp shit it makes me HAPPY.

UPDATE: And Meg is now responsible for the most canon Tsukki piece I’ve ever read.

There’s a cute SMAU called Sunshine by @pudding-head-kenma and idk how she does it. It’s so good. I could never tell a story this complex, THIS WELL, using only text messages and tweets and such. She also does mini headcanons that are REALLY cute.

Anything and everything by @haik-choo is gold. Literal gold. The way she writes Tsukishima is IMMACULATE. Toxic headcanons, mischaracterizations all of its gold. And she’s a beautiful shitposter. She drops shit that makes me CACKLE at the most random times. All of it is a big yes for me.

UPDATE: this is gold.

Of course I’ve read In Another Life and OF COURSE I sobbed. Took me AN HOUR to read because I kept having to take breaks to just.... sob. VERY MUCH A HEAVY DUTY ANGST. Not for the weak of heart. BokuAka. This is probably the oldest piece I’ve read that still HITS for me.

There are other pieces but I can’t remember them.... probably will come back and add to this post later.

Thank you for this ask. Thank you for being so kind and inspiring. I was kinda worried about releasing anything I’ve ever written and still get nervous sometimes so this ask makes me feel a hell of a lot better and makes me feel like I’m joining a WONDERFUL community like... Look at all that talent ^^^^.

#anon ask 💜#rambles #I simp for Em #I simp for Meg #I simp for Danie #I simp for Adriana #I highly rec the pieces I linked #please at least check them out so you can check the blogs #they’re SO very good #Feel free to pick out an anon name because I want you to stick around please ... if you'd like #💜.Recommended

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itsclydebitches · 5 years

Text

Lovely Good Omens fandom! Many of you have asked for/mentioned having a text version of the Yelp reviews, which if I were a better person I would have remembered to include in the first place. Better late than never? So here’s a version below and I also threw this up on AO3 so there are options. For the record, I’m not at all trained in transcribing visual media, so if anyone wants to add to/edit/do whatever to this post, especially to make it more accessible, you have carte blanche to do so 👍

Also I typed this up in a hurry so, as always, apologies for any typos.

Tagging: @lethargicdolphin, @marithlizard, @pearwaldorf

A.Z. Fell and Co. Antiquarian and Unusual Books

Recommended Reviews

Lindsay F.

London, United Kingdom

71 friends

3000 reviews

9874 photos

So I slipped into this place because I spotted my ex across the street and would have rather chugged a cocktail of bleach, lighter fluid, and a condensed solution of all my middle school years then talk to that asshole. Owner was on me the second I walked through the door and I thought he was gonna be one of those ‘Either buy something or get out’ types. Nah. I spilled the story, said I really wasn’t looking to purchase anything, and he LIT UP like nobody’s business. He gave me tea and promised I’d never run into my ex again. Which is a super sketchy promise on its own and also should have been hilarious coming from a guy a century behind in style.

...Kinda believed him though.

Marina G.

London, United Kingdom

0 friends

33 reviews

48 photos

Pretty sure this guy wants a library, not a bookshop. I mean, he’s nice and all when you first come in, but trying to actually buy a book? Good fucking luck. He’s too busy to see you right now (for the record he’s super bad at pretending to be busy). Or claims that this book has already been put on reserve (then why wasn’t it in the reserve pile...?). Or the price suddenly jumped an obscene amount. Or he just straight up hems and haws until you get fed up and leave. I watched him pull a novel straight out of a woman’s hands once when she claimed that price was no object and she wouldn’t be leaving the store until she’d purchased it. You’d think she was trying to kidnap one of the guy’s kids!

So yeah. Feel like popping in to browse, maybe take pictures for your research, all while making quiet conversation with someone who quite frankly knows his stuff? This is the place for you. Want to actually buy something? Go elsewhere. Pretty sure Fell doesn’t even own a cash register. At least I’ve never seen one.

He wants a library and I’d honestly tell him as much if he didn’t scare me just a little bit...

Aaron S.

New York, NY

68 friends

212 reviews

337 photos

I stayed here for three days once. Found a bathroom off the romance section and a chair hidden away in the back. Way comfier than my mattress at home. Mostly played iPhone games and kept real quiet at night. Experiment ended when I popped out for breakfast and didn’t make it back before a random 10:00am closing. Don’t think the owner ever realized what was up.

Hana S.

London, United Kingdom

112 friends

115 reviews

208 photos

I really love this place. I’ve been coming here since I moved to London, about twelve years ago, and it’s one of the most soothing bookstores I’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting. Yeah, you hear talk of weird things going on at Fell’s, but really? We could all do with a bit more quirky in our lives. And Fell provides that in spades: Annual plants that never seem to wither, let alone die. The smell of incense mixing with cocoa. Strange books tucked horizontally into the shelves, feeling like they have a touch of magic to them. Nonsensical conversations taking place in dark corners (I’m talking candid chats about the apocalypse and whether angels could actually bless all the rains down in Africa. I swear Fell and his boyfriend are the religion Mythbusters or something.) I’m going to sound like a total nerd here for a moment, but it feels like some sort of liminal space. You know when you were a kid and you were just desperate to receive your Hogwarts letter? Or find your own wardrobe to Narnia? That’s what walking into Fell’s feels like. Like you’ve finally found that portal and can stay as long as you like, provided you don’t try to take anything back with you into the ‘real’ world. Hell, maybe that’s why he won’t let anyone buy his books.

Robert T.

Union City, CA

4 friends

26 reviews

3 photos

There’s a snake?? In this shop?? A reALLY MASSIVE SNAKE????? What are y’all doing talkin’ about your meet cutes and shit someone call pest control!

Malini D.

London, United Kingdom

0 friends

48 reviews

99 photos

I’m not gonna pretend I have anything to say about whether this is a good bookstore or not, but if you ever want knitting help you should definitely stop by. Mr. Fell knows an absurd amount about crafts for a guy who looks like my grandpa and he’s now replaced Youtube as my go-to for alleviating “Omg please fix this how the hell did I manage to reverse the pattern??” panic. For the record, I didn’t just wander up to a random bookseller one day and demand that he help me salvage the ruins of my first sweater. I’d taken a seat inside to wait out a storm, had my messy sleeve stuffed into my purse, and he’d offered the help. Bit of a bastard about things like gauge and color--not everyone wants to wear tartan, dude--but you get used to that. He means well. Said I should come back to show him the finished piece, which I did. Things just kind of spiraled from there. He’s an absolute treasure trove of knowledge once you get him talking and a muffin to boot. If he were twenty years younger and in any way straight I would have asked him out in a heartbeat. As it is I’m considering setting him up with Grandpa.

Tiffany L.

London, United Kingdom

132 friends

312 reviews

34 photos

I’m not really a book person myself but I followed my wife in with our seventh-month old and was kinda embarrassed when he started making a fuss. Normally I’m full Badass Mom mode while in public--I’ve got a kid to feed, change, sooth, and you all can damn well deal with it--but this place was so quiet Liam seemed extra loud in comparison. I was about to take him back out when a man appeared out of nowhere. The owner I guess, based on how some of these other reviews describe him. Older gentleman with clothes out of some period piece. Anyway, he scoops Liam into his arms like he was born for it and started bouncing. Our fussy, temperamental, drama queen Liam settled in an instant and my wife got to browse to her heart’s content. I don’t know how he did it, but that man is an absolute angel. Full stars for that moment alone.

Gillian L.

The Hague, The Netherlands

283 friends

256 reviews

60 photos

Anyone know if the old Bentley parked out front is for sale?

Update: It’s really, really, really not

Billy H.

Austen, TX

40 friends

2073 reviews

774 photos

QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS SO MANY QUEER BOOKS!!!

Gabriela G.

London, United Kingdom

3 friends

22 reviews

1 photos

Run by this delightfully frumpy guy who sometimes hands out biscuits from a sewing tin like my gran used to. He asked me if I was looking for anything in particular and I told him my name was Jared, I was 19, but sadly I’d never learned how to read. I have NEVER seen a man more confused in my life. 10/10 would meme him again.

Colie A.

Enola, PA

201 friends

2778 reviews

10382 photos

I’m setting the record straight here since there are a bunch of reviews claiming it’s just London folklore: there is a snake at A.Z. Fell’s. Must be an exotic pet he usually keeps upstairs because I’ve only ever seen it twice. Is it big? Yes. Scary? Fuck yes, but I’ve never seen it do anything more than give a warning hiss at this drunk who wandered in and started yelling. (Are snakes good guard dogs? This one is.) The other time he was just chilling on top of one of the shelves. Snoozing, I guess. I asked Mr. Fell if I could pet him and he said maybe after he woke up, but then I had to get to class and all.

Afraid of snakes? Steer clear. Otherwise I’d really recommend popping in and seeing if he’s around. Idk, maybe I’m just a snake fan but he looks super sweet and chill. Life is short. Boop the snake snoot.

Jeremy W.

London, United Kingdom

86 friends

409 reviews

12 photos

I live down the street from A.Z. Fell’s and let me tell you, this place is spooky as fuck. All sorts of weird lights and noises coming from it. At all times of the day and night too. Either this bowtie wearing bookworm has one crazy sex life or the place is haunted. Jury’s out on which.

Heather Ki.

London, United Kingdom

0 friends

3852 reviews

1 photos

This shop smells. Not that old book smell either, oh no, but like something is molding. I took my little Johnny in here to try and get him interested in something other than those damned video games and I walk into what smells like a whole cloud of toxic mold! My boy has a weak constitution as it is and if he comes down with anything I will be pressing charges, you mark my words.

Jo. W.

London, United Kingdom

32 friends

410 reviews

61 photos

Hey, does anyone want to talk about the fact that this place burned down last month? As in, completely up in flames, I saw it happen, nothing but a smoking husk afterwards? Does no one else remember this??

Tiggi N.

London, United Kingdom

32 friends

33 reviews

24 photos

Has anyone read this guy’s opening hours? I included a photo above: “I open the shop on most days about 9:30AM perhaps 10:AM. While occasionally I have opened the shop as early as 8, I have been known not to open until 1.” Absolutely insane. This guy’s a madman and I love him. If anyone actually manages to get into this place please let me know because I need to shake Fell’s hand.

Mackenzie J.

City Centre, Manchester, United Kingdom

807 friends

2592 reviews

13218 photos

I told my girlfriend this shop’s got a snake named Anthony and she didn’t believe me. Going back for proof next week.

Update: got the snake selfie!!!!!!!!

Penny O.

Chicago, IL

87 friends

557 reviews

16 photos

Caught the owner snogging some hot twink behind the cookbooks. Well done, my dude.

#good omens #ineffable husbands #air conditioning #good omens fic

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ajoblotofjunk · 4 years

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Answering my own meme, by request!

1. Which of your own finished fics have you re-read the most?

It’s probably a tie between my Fraser/Vecchio fic Sign Language which was previously my favorite of my own fics and The Unicorn Incident, which I have read an embarrassing number of times considering I so recently posted it. Honestly that fic was genuinely lightning in a bottle for me, likely never to be captured again.

2. Which of your own finished fics will you probably never read again because then you’ll have to remember how much you don’t like it/how hard it was to write/how annoying the fandom was/some other negative association?

I wrote a Wes/Gunn (from Angel: the Series) fic once that is lost to the mists of Livejournal and we’re all better for it. Also once Heart Full of Gasoline is done I may never read it again; not that I dislike it, it’s just that it has consumed my life and it will probably be years before I can come back to it. (Plus I’ve re-read every chapter so many times already in editing, I can’t imagine just reading it for funsies.)

3. You can only use one musical artist or poet just for lyric titles for the rest of your life: who would it be?

This is legitimately difficult! Who came up with these questions?! 😂 I LOVE song lyrics for titles but I use a lot of different artists, I’m not sure I can pick a single person who captures the things I’ve got left on my To Do list. Honestly the Local Strangers have a really solid range. Oh or maybe Mumford & Sons. (I WOULD go with Magnolia Electric Co. but those are such a particular MOOD that I don’t really use for JB fics, I’m not sure I could find anything appropriate there.)

4. What’s your favorite opening line you’ve ever written?

My openings are usually very pedestrian, but this opener from Windblown, a fic about John Oxenberger from Hard Core Logo is definitely my favorite:

When John was young – a duckling, a chick, an egg – he knew how to fly.

5. What’s your favorite closing line you’ve ever written?

Much like Brynn, my endings are usually “they’re together and happy and it’s probably sunny.” I really like the end of Sign Language because it’s the most thematically appropriate (for the story) ending I think I’ve ever managed and it sums up the relationship between the characters (IMO) well:

He kept talking, though, about their adventure last night, and the likely reception of their report this morning, while Fraser filled the kettle with water, slowly, so the faucet wouldn’t overwhelm his voice.

But honestly I also love the (updated) ending of The Unicorn Incident which I changed to like three hours after I posted the fic originally. 😂 This one is much better though:

She's staring at the book and considering whether she even wants to present this at the next Hunters-Gatherers con when she hears, “Miss me, wench?” and he is there, he is here and they're kissing and this time instead of lying she says, "yes."

6. Which character would you include in more fics if you felt more confident writing them?

Probably Catelyn Stark, who I adore but I never feel like I’ve quite got her.

7. What is one plot point or character or title you would change for any of your finished fics?

I think I would add some content in the middle part of To be in your arms again, to show a little more first their distance and then the slow movement back to each other. I summarized a lot of those middle council meetings and I think it could have borne the weight of a few more scenes showing those moments instead.

If you answered this and I didn’t like or comment on your entry, can you drop a link here?? I was offline basically all day and tumblr moves too fast for me to catch up. heh.

#fic meme #writing life

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griffblack · 4 years

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(fionn whitehead, twenty-two, cismale, shapeshifter) Blimey! Is that (GRUFFUDD ‘GRIFF’ BLACK)? (HE/HIM) is/are the (RIGGER) on the Cursed Serpent and has been onboard the ship for (FOUR YEARS). Legend has it they are (TRUSTWORTHY & HARDWORKING), but don’t get on their bad side, because I hear they’re (APATHETIC & SLY). Aye! Stop staring! (GRIFF) has their (DIRK) out! (ooc: roman, gmt, 23, they/them, triggers: trypophobia)

Potential triggers for below the readmore: abuse, religion

QUICK FACTS

Full Name: Gruffudd Rhys Black Nickname(s): Griff Age: 22 Birthday: June 5th Zodiac: Gemini Birthplace: Betws-y-Coed, Caernarfonshire, Wales Languages: Welsh, English Gender: Cismale (He/Him) Sexuality: Homosexual, closeted edition Relationship Status: Single

APPEARANCE

Hair: Dark brown Eyes: Hazel Height: 5′8′’ Tattoos: May or may not have a dragon tattoo on his butt. Piercings: Ears Scars: Lash marks on his back from being whipped with a belt, a small one on his right cheekbone

PERSONALITY

Myers-Briggs: INTJ Alignment: Lawful Neutral Best trait: Loyal Worst trait: Secretive

FAMILY

Parents: Bran Sayer Rhys Black, Jordana Black (née Evans) Siblings: Bethan Black, Sioned Black Family Relationship: They don’t talk, it’s as simple as that. Griff is the eldest, he was the absolute pride and joy of his parents until they realised he could shape shift. His mother branded him a demon, tried to beat the devil out of him, when that didn’t work she stopped acknowledging him. His father tolerated him, at times even seemed fond of him, but as soon as Griff’s sisters were born they used them as an excuse to ignore Griff completely. When he ran away, he left a note detailing his plan to go out to sea. Nobody came looking for him and he doubts they’ll ever meet again.

ABOUT

What little people know about Griff is that he grew up in the heart of the countryside in North Wales. Anyone who’s ever ventured there knows it’s all hills, streams, and forest. He was always a good climber, stronger than he looked, quick with knots and quicker with a knife. He popped up on random ships and took whatever job he was given, mostly runt work that involved picking up after the rest of the crew. He was young and seemed to appear out of nowhere, but he assured everyone he ever worked for that nobody would miss him and nobody came looking for him.

Griff had a reputation before he was a part of The Cursed Serpent’s crew. He was a shadow that kept out of the way but his absence was noticed, especially as he aged and gained more experience, earning more important roles. He eventually got too big for keeping out of the way below decks, only coming out when something needed to be cleaned or they needed someone small to get into a spot nobody else could reach.

It was Bradway that put him to work on the rigs, challenging Griff to work hard and pushing him until he thought he might snap. Griff was quiet and generally polite but he had an ego, it was obvious any time someone new came aboard and his new role gave him enough purpose that he was put in his place. He’s proud of his role and passionate about his work.

Griff never thought much about the sea but now he thinks about it a lot. He thinks about how nobody knows where it ends or what lives at the bottom of it. When he’s on the deck and looks between the sea and the sky, he feels like he’s floating between them. It would only ever take something like going overboard to make Griff as introspective as this and even though it’s been a year, he can’t forget it.

It wasn’t the worst storm they’d ever been in but the winds were strong and Griff couldn’t keep control of the sails. He doesn’t remember the whole ordeal; he remembers one moment he was on deck and the next his mouth and lungs are full of salt water. There was no North or South, there was water roaring in his ears and the rope around his ankle, the single thing keeping Griff from being flung out to sea. I am going to drown was the only thought in his head but it was enough to kick him into gear, to get him to thrash around in the water until he got a hold of the rope with his hands to drag himself back above water. Then he was back on deck again, rope splinters in his hands and coughing up water by the gallon. When he wakes up in the middle of the night, he can still feel the burning in his throat.

Since that day, Griff has been paranoid. It isn’t like him to worry about what the rest of the crew think of him but he does now. He works harder like he has to prove to them and himself that he isn’t afraid of it happening again, even though every time he climbs up to the crow’s nest his heart beats so quickly he thinks it’s going to explode. So he makes an effort with the others, going out of his way to be sociable and helpful, laughing off the events of the previous year and hoping that even if he can’t forget it, they will.

There is much room to think about anything since Bradway died. All captains are replaceable, even Bradway, but even now it feels like there’s time and space empty without him. Griff feels his absence, sometimes he looks around and waits for Bradway to appear, to nod at him and tell him to get back to work; the sails aren’t going to tie themselves.

SECRET

Gruffudd was the name he was given by his father; his mother called him Demon. There are tiny snippets of memory, Griff sittin in the garden and wandering off towards the forest over the back fence. Too small to climb it and too big to crawl underneath, then things get a bit dizzy and suddenly the air smells different, he’s taller, heavier and uglier. He didn’t know it then but years later, when he met another boy with the same talent, he was more of an oddball than he’d originally imagined. “Who else can you do?” The boy asked. Who else? Griff didn’t know he could change into more than one person. But he tried, he thought really, really hard about someone else he wanted to be. But no matter how hard he thought about turning into his sister, the milkman, the farmer over the hill, there was only ever one thing he could turn into: a man that scared him and seemed eerily familiar.

KEY RELATIONSHIPS

SHAPESHIFTING HELPER FRIEND - So Griff isn’t a very good shapeshifter: he can only turn into one person. But he wants to be better at it, he wants to stop feeling like there’s something wrong with him. This individual, also a shapeshifter, is trying to help. They are, however, sworn to secrecy. Griff doesn’t want to admit it but he’s embarrassed, so if he could somehow learn to shift into someone else, he would greatly appreciate it.

NIGHT OWLS - Griff doesn’t sleep so well these days, he often finds himself awake and about at the same times as this individual. They don’t have to be close, but they value each other’s company to pass the time; playing card games, chatting about meaningless things, just sitting quietly until the sun comes up.

(I’ll update this and add more on my wanted connections page!)

ANYTHING ELSE

He’s got some unresolved stuff about shapeshifting which is preventing him from getting better at it. His mum was VERY against shapeshifting, she saw it as demonic and treated Griff horrifically for it.

The person he can shift into is an older man that looks like this. Griff doesn’t know it but this man, Bran Sayer, is a pirate and also his biological father, who he only met once when he was too young to remember his properly. It would be cool if he could find out about this one day, however this would only happen if they came into contact with each other again.

He also has some unresolved things about the time he went overboard. I wanna get him back in the water at some point so he has to confront it head-on. Until then, he does not have good feelings about the ocean.

#cs:intro #( about. )

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paradisobound · 5 years

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I Want It, I Got It: Chapter 27

Summary: Phil Lester was a worker for the BBC in London. Working in the advertising department, he was content being alongside his friend and fellow coworker PJ during every shift. However, the BBC is temporarily being used as a film set for a new movie staring Hollywood ‘It’ star, Daniel Howell. Being stuck as an extra on the set, Phil finds it’s hard to ignore the famous star. And maybe, just maybe, Dan finds it hard to ignore Phil as well.

Word Count: 3.1k (this chapter)

Warnings: Occasional swearing and sexual mentions

Rating: Explicit

Updates will be every Sunday around 1pm EST

**MASTERLIST | READ ON AO3 | WATTPAD**

Phil misses work the next few days and he doesn’t bother to tell anyone else why. Martyn tries to come and visit him but when Martyn rings his doorbell, Phil pretends he isn’t home and just lays on the couch. Spike whimpers a bit and tries to scratch at the door but because Martyn doesn’t have his key anymore to the flat, he can’t come in.

Martyn texts him later that day and asks him where he went and Phil just said he needed to go for a breather. It was all he’s said to anyone since his last Skype call with Dan.

He was hurt, deeply so. His heart felt shattered and his brain like mush. He wasn’t even sure if he could move past any of this. In the four short months that he’s grown to know who Dan was, nothing has felt like this.

He’s been through break ups. He’s been through bad relationships. But no break up has hurt as bad as Dan telling him that he thinks they should take a break. What happened to Dan promising him that they wouldn’t give up on each other and he made the promise back? Did the promise fall on deaf ears? Did Dan not really mean anything that he said?

Phil doesn’t want to believe that’s the case.

Per Dan’s request, he hasn’t tried to get ahold of him. He also took the initiative to delete his social media apps off from his phone so that why he wouldn’t be tempted to check Dan’s Twitter or Instagram and see how he’s doing. The news has been quiet lately, not mentioning Dan’s name. And Phil guesses that he’s grateful for that. But in a selfish way, he wishes that some entertainment news site would talk about Dan so he could know what Dan was doing.

It’s four days later when Phil decides that he needs to actually do something. He needs to get off his arse and actually start living again. He’s sat in his flat, wallowing in his own misery and barely showering. Even Spike has begun to find it a bit weird that Phil hasn’t taken him for a proper walk to the park. He can tell by Spike’s anxious prancing around the flat.

He showers That’s morning, dresses in a pair of his black jeans and his black shirt with the word vibes on it to add a bit of color to his dark mind. He puts in contacts instead of wearing his glasses and he styles his hair. Already, just by doing that, he feels a bit better.

But instead of going out, he sets up behind a camera and puts some lights on him and he just sits down and takes a breath. He needs to do this. Even if he never posts the video, he needs to just let everything go.

And he’s going to.

“Hey everyone.” He begins, voice wavering a bit. “Today, I’m making a video not as amazingphil but as Phil Lester. There is a lot I need to get off from my chest because of recent events and this is me doing so. In January of this year, I met Daniel Howell on the set of the new film he was working on. As some of you know, I work for the BBC as a graphic designer and I often am working in the offices doing advertising and posters and websites. But enough of that. I met Dan when I was told I was going to be an extra on the set of the film. I thought it was stupid. I was and at the BBC for bringing me in on what would be my day off to film as some extra in some big pretentious movie stars film. But that actually wasn’t it at all. I met Dan on the set and my life completely changed.”

Phil took a breath and then let it out slowly as he tried to find his composure again.

“Dan and I exchanged numbers and he asked me to do a favor for him by showing him around London. I thought really nothing of it. He was asking as if he was a friend and I’m not someone to turn down a friends request. So I went around with him in London then the paparazzi flooded us at the eye and that was when everyone saw us for the first time. At that time in our lives, we were just budding friends. We were nothing more.”

Phil looked up his ceiling in an attempt to ground himself. He couldn’t believe he was telling all of this right now to a camera but it also felt so good to just spew all of this out when he’s had to hide it for so long.

“Dan and I kept in contact and when he came to London a short time later, he stayed at my flat with me and I think that was when I realized he was someone I wanted to spend more time with and get to know better. So we agreed for me to come to Los Angeles to spend a week with him and I did. And it was then during that time that we solidified our relationship.”

Phil felt his eyes prick a bit with tears as he took in a deep shuddering breath, promising to edit it out later if he ever does actually edit this video to be posted later. All he can think of is him in Dan in LA, kissing in Dan’s bed and then fucking just a short time later. Phil’s spins tingles as he thinks about what it was like to have sex with Dan for the first time and how amazing it had felt for him. How much love he had felt being poured from Dan.

“We told each other that we were together and we wanted to be together but then the paparazzi got in our way and we couldn’t do it anymore. Our relationship was going so well but then the fucking paparazzi came out and they followed us. They followed me around London where I once lived without worry. They followed Dan around Los Angeles when he isn’t comfortable with it. And they ruined us. The ruined us because they caught an intimate moment between us at my flat and completely breached our privacy. And I know people are probably going to be like “but Phil, you’re airing everything out into the open now” and my answer to that is that I’m doing it on my own terms. Dan and I wanted to come out on our own terms and it got ripped away from us by some selfish pricks we wanted it make quick money.”

Tears are rolling freely down Phil’s cheeks now. He reaches up and wipes them away as best he can but it looks like he just smeared them over his cheeks and not really wiped them away.

“Dan and I are taking a break now because of what the paparazzi did. Because we need to figure out how to move on with our relationship aired out because we were ready. And no one will understand the pain that I’m feeling right now to love someone so damn much and have him be ripped away from me because of people who have no care for other people’s privacy.”

A sob rips from his throat and he lurches forward as he buries his head into his hands and lets out all of the emotions that he has been feeling and bottling up these last few days. He’s angry. And he’s sad. And frankly, he kind of wants to be out for blood right now, yelling at people. But he’s trying to keep composure and it’s getting more and more difficult.

When his tears dry up a bit and he lets himself settle, he takes a few deep breaths and then speaks again.

“I don’t know if Dan will ever see this video. For all I know, this video could separate us further than we already are. But if he is, I wanted to speak to him directly and just say some things. Dan, I love you. I know I didn’t say it to you when you told me you loved me in Los Angels but I’m saying it now. I love you so much and I don’t want to lose you. I know you probably didn’t want a video like this just airing everything out but please, please understand me. I want to be able to be with you, completely and unabashedly. I want to wake up next to you again and kiss you and, sorry for being vulgar, but I want to keep making love with you. I want to be with you....I love you.”

Phil stands up and pushes the button on the camera to stop it from recording as he lets out the rest of his sobs and wipes off his eyes with the backs of his hands. This was a stupid, stupid idea. But yet, he still found himself opening up his camera’s base and pulling out the SD card and bringing it to his laptop.

He exports the video onto his laptop and he doesn’t even edit it. He doesn’t do anything with. He goes right to YouTube and he uploads it and titles to “The Truth”. It’s 35 minutes long with everything form his crying to his raw emotions and he doesn’t care.

He presses public on the video and then takes a deep breath and shuts his laptop and picks up his phone. He calls PJ.

****

“Was everything you said in the video the truth?” PJ asks Phil as they sit on his couch and each have a glass of some strong liquor that PJ had brought. Phil thinks it’s whiskey which he doesn’t like but it does numb his mind a bit.

“Of course.” Phil says. “I wouldn’t lie.”

“So you and Dan are broken up?”

“Yes and no.” Phil says. “When Dan Skyped me the other night, he told me it wasn’t a break up and we were on a break but then he told me not to contact him and he wasn’t gong to contact me.”

“That’s rough.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Is that why you haven’t been to work?” PJ asks and Phil nods. “Louise told us you went on a personal leave.”

“I couldn’t go to work.” Phil says. “I couldn’t even get up the energy to shower or go and get food.”

“Louise was saying that she knew it was about what happened with Dan but she isn’t happy with having you miss work over it.”

“Doesn’t matter.” Phil says. “I’m quitting anyway.”

PJ’s eyes widen and he looks at Phil with a confused look. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m quitting the BBC.”

“Why?”

“Well,” Phil begins, resting back onto the couch. “I’ve been wanting to quit for a while and honestly, I kind of want to just like…stop working there and focus on something new. I could use something new in my life.”

“But what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to focus more on my YouTube channel and if life goes that way, I’ll be traveling with Dan and supporting him.”

“But you haven’t talk to him since you uploaded the video right?” PJ asks. “How do you think he’s going to react to it?”

Phil shrugs and takes a sip of his drink. It burns a bit when it goes down and he winces. But within a few minutes, his mind will feel clouded again and he’ll be able to feel something more than just hollow.

“You should probably try and speak to him.”

“I don’t know if I can yet.” Phil says. “I don’t know if I can face him yet after I just aired all of our dirty laundry into the open.”

“But it’s not ‘dirty laundry’. It’s your real life that the tabloids were exploiting. The paparazzi deserved to be called out like you did.”

“That doesn’t make what I do as right.”

They sit in silence for a few moments, nothing more than just the sound of them breathing in the room and the sound of Spike gnawing on a bone in the corner of the flat.

Suddenly, Phil’s phone vibrates loudly on the couch and he jumps, reaching for it and picking it up. On the screen, it’s a picture of Dan saying ‘Dan would like to Facetime’. Phil swallows and puts his finger up to PJ to keep him quiet and he nods in acknowledgement.

He swipes the screen and answers and Dan is laying in his bed on the other side, his face red and puffy and his eyes very badly bloodshot.

“Why did you make that video?” Dan asks, his voice really hoarse and his words hanging between them like a tight string.

Phil’s heart began to beat faster as he begin to think of every possible reasoning he could tell Dan but frankly, none of them would be true. They would all be fibs. So he lets out a breath and then answers. “I wanted people to know our story.”

“But why?”

Dan’s voice sounds young and childlike, almost as if he’s asking a parent why he couldn’t have a sweet before his dinner. Phil swallows.

“I wanted people to know what they did.”

Dan breaks eye contact with the screen and looks down at his bedsheets, his fingers appear to be picking at a piece of thread.

“I can delete the video if you want me to.” Phil says. “Although I’m not sure…”

“Thank you for posting the video.”

The words catch Phil off guard. He was expecting Dan to yell at him, maybe even threaten legal action for speaking out about their relationship. But those words…they were like a punch in Phil’s gut in the best way possible.

“What?”

“When Marianne told me that you had posted that video, I initially was really upset because I thought you were doing it to maybe spite what I had asked of us on our Skype call or to even, I don’t know, exploit our own relationship.” Dan sniffled. “Marianne barred me from watching the video but I just caved and watched it and Phil, what you said at the end, I want all of that too.”

Phil feels his eyes prick a bit with happy tears and he looks up to see PJ’s own eyes have gone a bit glassy as well.

“I want to wake up next to you each morning and I want to kiss you whenever I want, where I want to.” Dan let out a laugh. “And let’s be real, definitely more sex because that has been incredible.”

PJ snickers in the background and Phil shushes him with a wave out of view.

“But more than anything, I just want to be with you.” Dan says. “I want to be able to go in public with you and post photos with you and not feel like I had to hide. I’ve been hiding for so long and I’m sick of it.” He lets out a breath. “I just want to be with you.”

“I love you, Dan.” It’s the first time Phil has said it to Dan directly and it feels a bit overwhelming but it also feels right at the same time.

“I love you too.” Dan says. “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else before.”

Phil lets a few tears fall and Dan smiles and laughs a bit as he wipes his own tears on the other side of the screen.

“We’re such saps.” Dan laughs and Phil laughs with him because they are. They really are but Phil doesn’t care. “I’m going to make a post on Instagram and Twitter confirming what you said in the video and I’m going to ask for our privacy. Is that okay?”

Phil nods and smiles. “That is more than okay. I think I’m going to do that same.”

“Okay.” Dan says. “I have to get going now because I have to get ready for Jimmy Fallon tonight, perfect timing right? But anyway, I have to start preparing but I’ll make the post and everything. I’m sure this will be a talking point on Jimmy Fallon if you want to tune in later?”

Phil nods. It’ll be really really late for him but he needs to watch Dan on Jimmy Fallon. He has to.

“I’ll talk to you later?” Dan asks, breaking Phil’s thoughts and Phil nods quickly.

“Of course.”

“Mmm. Love you.” Dan says, a smile playing on his lips again. “I like being able to say that.”

“Me too.” Phil says. “Love you too.”

“Bye.”

Dan ends the video call and Phil is left staring at his own reflection in the black screen. He immediately turns to PJ who is half pouring a new glass of whiskey and half wiping a few tears from his cheeks.

“Can you please stay with me to watch Jimmy Fallon tonight?” Phil pleads.

PJ looks at Phil and nods quickly. “Of course but I have work in the morning and you do too.”

Phil shakes his head and lets out a sigh. “Forget work tomorrow. Just…please be with me to watch Dan on there. Please?”

PJ nods and lets out a soft smile. “I’ll call Soph and have her bring us some snacks.”

“I should probably call my brother and my mum.” Phil says, speaking out loud.

PJ nods and Phil let’s out a long sigh and picks up his phone again. He remembers how he told Dan that he’ll write a note on Instagram and Twitter so he opens his notes app and just types.

“As you all know I posted the video today about Dan and I’s relationship. Although that was all private information, Dan and I have since spoken and neither one of us believe the video did any harm. We’re asking for everyone to respect our privacy during this time as we rebuild our relationship. Thank you all, Phil.”

Just as Phil posts his note, Dan’s note comes onto his timeline and he reads it.

“Earlier today, Phil posted a video regarding mine and his relationship these last few months. Although all of what he said is 100% accurate, we’re asking you all to respect us during this time and keep our privacy as just that. I will still be on Jimmy Fallon tonight but I would like to remind everyone to keep us in your thoughts and to please leave us to settle what we need to in private. Thank you.”

Phil smiles at bit at the note and then goes to the contacts in his phone and presses his mum’s name for the first time in over a week.

#phan #phanfiction #phanfic #fluff #smut #angst #princesslexi763fics #famous!dan #moviestar!dan

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shipmistress9 · 5 years

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FTLOAP - 39: Once Upon A Time We Had A Lot To Fight For. We Had A Dream, We Had A Plan

Fandom: HTTYD

Theme: Hiccstrid - Medieval-style AU - Romance - Angst/Hurt/Comfort

Summary: Reduced to little more than a stable boy, Hiccup, despite his noble birth, has few prospects for more in life. But when he meets a girl who came to look at the horses, being a stable boy might not be enough anymore. Together, they have tough choices to make and great risks to navigate if they want to survive and be together.

Rating: Explicit

FF-net - AO3 -

Discord-server for discussions and questions

Part 1: Prologue; Chapter 1; Chapter 2; Chapter 3; Chapter 4; Chapter 5; Chapter 6; Chapter 7; Chapter 8; Chapter 9; Chapter 10; Chapter 11;

Part 2: Chapter 12; Chapter 13; Chapter 14; Interlude 1; Chapter 15; Chapter 16; Chapter 17; Chapter 18; Chapter 19; Chapter 20; Chapter 21; Chapter 22; Chapter 23; Chapter 24; Chapter 25; Chapter 26; Interlude 2; Chapter 27: Chapter 28 ; Chapter 29 ; Chapter 30; Chapter 31; Chapter 32; Interlude 3; Bonus 1; Chapter 33

Part 3: Chapter 34; Chapter 35; Chapter 36; Interlude 4; Chapter 37; Chapter 38

Alpha/Co-author: @athingofvikings

. – * – _ . o O o . _ – * – .

AN: Okay, this was a tough chapter to write, though for once not because of the content. Let me tell you about the fourteen days since I last updated. The first nine I had writer's block and couldn't get even one word down for this story. Then followed two days where I was on quite a high and got down 7k words, which is a lot for me. And after that, there were two and a half days through which I struggled again to get anything done, which left me and my alpha-reader with less than half a day for edits. I still can't believe it's actually done by now, and if it sucks... well, then I'm sorry!

In addition, I'm not quite sure of this chapter. It got awfully long, but somehow I feel like nothing happens. I mean, I know that's not true. But still, it feels off. Well, it's something of a bridge chapter, I guess.*sigh*

This week's chapter owes its title to a friend who made me listen to The Rasmus again after many years of not thinking much about this band. And when I listened to 'Sail Away'... well, the very first lines of lyrics of that song just really hit me. They fit so well to how Hiccup and Astrid feel right now.

Also, a special shoutout to @lauracalabresi Thank you for your comments over the last few days, they were a great encouragement! ^^

. o O o .

Hiccup couldn’t remember how he’d made it back to the stables, nor how the night had passed in any specific detail. It was all just a blur of pain and sorrow, of desperation and hopelessness. It was over. Everything was over. It was true what he’d told Cami once, after all, that his entire life only revolved around her. But now, she was gone, and he didn't even understand why. He’d been so sure...

But now, it seemed as if the Gods had abandoned them, if not for that guttering spark in his chest that kept reminding him of her, cruel and unrelenting.

When Eret arrived at the stables, hours after the sun had risen, Hiccup was still sitting in his stall, unmoving, staring blankly out the small window, and registered nothing until his cousin’s broad hand touched his shoulder.

“Hey, Hiccup. You okay?”

Slowly, Hiccup turned to look at Eret, and forced a wry grin to his face.

“Hey. Yeah, I’m just… just tired, I guess. I’m sorry, I didn’t finish polishing all of your kit, but I’ll get back to that today.”

Eret gave him a scrutinising look, but nodded, accepting this explanation. “That’s fine, I won’t need it right away. But–” He paused, his eyes on Hiccup’s injured and bandaged hand. “What’s this?”

Quickly, Hiccup covered the hand with the other one. “Nothing. I cut myself, but it… it’s nothing.” At some point last night, the pain of the cut had eventually registered in his mind, but it was still too dull and unimportant to matter. All it did was remind him of her hands on his as she’d attended to the cut. Probably the last time he’d ever felt her touch… He swallowed, then made an effort to appear normal. “Anyway, what brings you here today? Don’t you need to do some training, or so?”

Eret still looked at him funny, but then shook his head. “Maybe later. But I came here for another reason. The thing is… I’m going to need my squire from now on. The hunts start tomorrow and then there’s the first small tournament in a few days, and… I already talked to father and we agreed that it will be safe enough now to keep these hotheads–” he nodded at the stallions, “– in a separate part of the main stables, now that the herd isn’t there anymore and there’s enough free space. They need to get used to that anyway. So... for the rest of our stay, you’re going to be my squire full time, which also means you’ll have to move; I can’t afford the time for you to hike back and forth to these stables. We could move to our townhouse, where there’s enough space for you to have your own room… but Grandfather’s staying there and...” he shrugged helplessly.

Hiccup needed a moment to wrap his head around what Eret had said. He seemed to be sorry for some reason, but Hiccup actually couldn’t see why. As much as he’d enjoyed the solitude of these outer stables during the past months, a change like this seemed like the best thing that could happen to him right now. It would keep him busy, would keep him from mentally tearing himself apart. It would keep him from remembering all the nights they’d spent here...

And then the rest of it registered. Oh. Right. His grandfather, who thought of him as a failure. Well, he was right, after all, but that didn’t mean Hiccup needed to hear it from the old prune.

“So what else is there?”

“Sharing a room in the squire barracks or the couch in my rooms,” Eret said apologetically, and then hastened to add, “It’s clean! I promise!”

Hiccup almost laughed – out of humour or despair, he had no idea. But he managed to keep the smile up. “The couch will do,” he murmured.

Something like a relieved smile played around Eret’s lips. “I’d hoped you’d say that. Dag and I already organised a trunk for your things and while it’s not an enclosed room, you’ll at least have a separate corner for yourself there. A little bit of privacy. Come, I’ll help you pack your things, then we can get the horses ready to be moved.”

Not having any reason to hold back, Hiccup got to work. His few possessions were quickly tossed in a rucksack – with Hiccup carefully avoiding a certain object hidden between the straw bales least Eret would ask unnecessary questions – before they turned their attention to the horses. All the while, Hiccup felt as if Eret was throwing him weird looks every now and then, but it never became so obvious that he felt like asking about it. To him, it wasn't important, and if Eret wanted to talk about something… well, then he could bring it up. Which he eventually did.

They had just started their way to the main stables – with Hiccup riding Chomp and leading Hunter at his side while Eret rode Squish and led Crusher – when Eret eventually broke the silence. "So… what do you think of these… new plans?"

Hiccup snorted. "What's there to think about?" he asked and tried not to sound as bitter as he felt. "I’m your squire and I would have needed to fully act like it by now anyway. So this is good, a change for the better.” Wrong! “And in case you meant the… the festivities... It's the King's right to entertain his people with hunts and tournaments and whatever else he's planned. It might even get interesting for us.” He forced himself to shrug nonchalantly in case Eret was still watching him.

“Yeah, interesting might be the right word.” Eret let out a deep sigh. “But that’s not what I meant. I mean this whole wedding scheme. I don’t get why Uncle Osmond thought that was a good idea. Or Daniel or my father, for that matter.”

Hiccup’s hands around Chomp’s reins tightened; it made him wince when the cut stung and the stallion snort in annoyance. Was Eret honestly asking him what he thought about her impending wedding? If he hadn’t been in danger to spill out exactly what he was thinking, he might have laughed. Instead, he just said, “Same answer. I don’t think it is my place to question the King’s decision. She’s going to marry one of these noblemen for the sake of the Kingdom. That isn’t really different from what was planned before, right?”

“True,” Eret admitted reluctantly. “But it still doesn’t feel right. And it’s certainly not right for Swanja! From what Snot said last night, she isn’t herself anymore. She lost her spark, her wit. He said she’d tried to appear unperturbed, as usual, but he saw right through her. All this must have hit her pretty hard; she was devastated at her birthday dinner. She wouldn’t even let us help or comfort her, for Odin’s sake!”

He sounded tense, worried, and Hiccup was incredibly glad that they’d reached a narrow path by now that wouldn’t allow them to ride side by side. It meant Eret couldn’t see his expression of soul-deep pain and self-loathing. Devastated… That seemed like an apt description of her the last few times he’d seen her. And it had been his fault.

Everything was his fault! And always had been… If he’d spoken his mind more firmly all those years ago, about not losing their connection to the Kingdom, his father might have stood up against their fellow tribesmen. If he’d acted more like the tribesman their people had expected him to be, they wouldn’t have been so openly against him being the heir to the High Chief’s title. If they hadn’t lost their standing within the tribes, his parents and siblings might still be alive and he would be a knight by now too. He could even participate in this competition for her hand as a ducal heir himself.

The thought was too good to be true, literally, and, unable to bear it, Hiccup pushed it aside. They all had thought they’d been doing the right thing back then, and reprimanding himself for it now, when he knew better, wouldn’t do him any good. Besides, he didn’t even need to go that far back into the past to pin down his mistakes.

He should have stayed away from her in the first place. The idea that, after all the things he’d messed up, his life could change for the better… this too had been too good to be true. Again, he’d made the wrong decision by becoming Eret’s squire just to be able to see her again, and now, she was paying the painful price for his impudence. Oh, he’d thought he’d been right back then, too. But the pain in her eyes last night was wholly and entirely his own fault, and any attempt of his to comfort her was bound to only hurt her more.

There was nothing he could do to help her.

Except…

“Don’t worry,” he heard himself say, oddly calm and composed. As if it wasn’t really him who was speaking. “What was is you said once? The Princess is a fighter. She’s tough. This whole wedding thing took her by surprise, but I’m sure she’ll accept it, eventually. She’ll come around and then you all can be there to support her when she’s ready for that.”

Eret grunted, but didn’t say any more until they’d reached the end of the narrow pass where he waited for Hiccup to take his place next to him. “You’re right,” he admitted, face turning to Hiccup, who was now focused entirely on keeping his feelings locked away as deep inside himself as possible. “But this is still different. Our fathers want her to marry one of us. How can we support her as her brothers when everyone is looking for signs as to who she’ll choose as her betrothed?”

“But maybe that’s the point,” Hiccup replied with a light shrug. “She was to marry one of you anyway, wasn’t she? Maybe it’s time to get over how you grew up like siblings and start seeing each other as what you are. An option. I… I think I know her well enough by now to say that she won’t spontaneously fall in love with one of those strangers her father presented to her. But a love match was never a likely possibility – for neither of you. And I remember what Daniel said on that first night we spent here, your accolade. He said that you would be good for each other, and… and I agree.”

Saying those words felt like a hungry beast tearing at the dead remains of his heart and soul. It hurt! But it was better this way. His own pain he could deal with, but hers? Not so much. And if it wasn’t within his power to help her directly, then the least he could do was send comfort in another form.

As they rode on, Hiccup was aware of Eret’s scrutinising gaze on him, and all he could hope for was that he wouldn’t see how Hiccup felt inside. But he didn’t say anything else until they reached the stables where a group of grooms quickly took over the horses to lead them to their new stalls.

“Hey, Hic,” he eventually spoke again once they were alone. “I know I offered to help, but… Would it be all right for you to get Markor and Cassie on your own? They shouldn’t give you any problems, after all. And I’ll take your bag up to my rooms, and…” he paused, grimacing, then shook his head. “There’s a message I have to send and I need to see whether I can find Dagur. Gotta talk to him…” He ran a hand through his hair, and if Hiccup wouldn’t be feeling so dead inside anyway, he’d be sorry for his cousin. It wasn’t only she who’d gotten thrown into this mess, after all…

But still, it was better this way.

“Sure,” he agreed with a sympathetic smile and a clap to Eret’s shoulder. “See you tonight then.”

On his way back to the outer stables, he wasn’t able to control his thoughts and emotions any longer though. He didn’t cry; after last night he didn’t think he had any tears left, but the pain still returned in full force.

It’s better this way, he kept chanting to himself. No matter how much the thought of her marrying Eret or one of her other brothers hurt, it was still the best option there was. She would have a good life with a husband who respected her as a person and not just saw her as an object, who cared for her. It might not be the right kind of love that connected them, but at least there was some form of affection, enough for her to eventually find comfort in her fate. It was all that was left for him to hope for.

And if she chose Eret… Well, Hiccup did feel sorry for him and Dagur. Even with knowing that their relationship couldn’t last, having it end this abruptly couldn’t be easy either. No wonder Eret had wanted to talk to his lover.

Once back at the outer stables, he concentrated on getting Cassie and Markor ready. It was a welcome distraction, and the familiar motions and the simple affection the horses offered gave him comfort, Cassie especially. She’d been with him for so many years now, had been his only support during trying times, and now easily adapted to his pain again. He took several minutes just scratching her and accepting her rubbing her nose to his chest, until something like a smile was back on his face. Not a happy but at least a content one.

The smile didn’t last long though, only until he entered Markor’s stall. The gelding directly looked up at his visitor, clearly hoping and then being disappointed as it wasn’t who he’d hoped it would be. The sight gave Hiccup a new sting, and he did his best to cheer the horse up by rubbing and cuddling his neck.

“I know, I know. I miss her too,” he whispered, hiding his face against the gelding’s warm fur. It was three days now since she’d last been here – a long time considering how often she’d been here during the past three months. No wonder Markor missed her, especially since he couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t come. “But don’t worry, boy. She’ll get back to you. You’ll see.”

Hiccup let himself feel comfort from the horses’ presence for a few minutes longer, before he got them both ready. He struggled a bit with which saddle to put on Markor, but then decided on the ridiculously decorated side saddle. It was the official saddle, after all, and he would need to ask Eret where to store the unofficial but more practical one.

When he was done, he let his gaze wander through the stables that had been his home during these past wonderful months, and gulped. Leaving this place for good felt like a sign. It was truly over, and their time really had only been borrowed, had never been intended to last.

He was about to leave when he remembered the one thing he’d left here before and hurried back to his former sleeping stall to retrieve it. If anyone was to find it by chance, it would only raise unnecessary questions. Hesitantly, he picked up the small swan-shaped oil pot. His chest was tightening – at the sight, at the memories, and at what it stood for. He’d been so grateful to Cami for this gift, not just because of why she’d given it to him but also because of what else it represented. He’d meant to keep it during the weeks and months of their separation, as a reminder and a promise for better times. The scent of the oil alone would have served to comfort him over missing her. But now? Now, it only hurt to look at it, the cool ceramic feeling as if it was burning his skin. All it did now was remind him of what could never be.

With a low suppressed sob, he stowed it away into a pocket, then left the stables without looking back. He tried to leave it all behind him as he once more rode down the path to the main stables on Cassie’s back, but his thoughts kept whirling around the pot and what it stood for. Why had the Gods abandoned them? He’d told her that maybe they’d been wrong, that they weren’t soulmates meant for each other after all. But he didn’t believe that, not really. She’d been right, he’d felt it too, the connection, their bond – and still felt it! All that had been real! And yet… And yet, the Gods had turned away from them, had separated them without leaving them any hope. Why? What had happened, what had changed?

A whirlwind of thoughts blew through Hiccup’s mind, thoughts that, in a way, added another layer of pain to his battered soul, but that, at the same time, made perfect sense.

It was all his fault.

With shaking hands, he pulled the pot back out of his pocket – leaving Cassie to find the way on her own – and stared at it. They’d gone too far... It made sense, now that he thought about it. This had to be what had angered the Gods. Them ignoring the rules, getting intimate before it was allowed. A part of him wanted to blame Cami for her support, for her assurance that it would be all right as long as they kept to certain rules. But Hiccup knew that wouldn’t be fair. It had been his decision to go further than he’d felt comfortable, than he’d been taught was allowed. He had ignored the rules he’d learned, had given in to his desire. He should have known better!

His breath became ragged as he kept staring at the oil pot and everything clicked into place. Them getting intimate must have angered the Gods. The timing was a clear indication. They’d gone too far, and before they’d been able to break another rule with their forbidden plan to have anal sex, the Gods had put an end to it. The timing was unmistakable.

It was all his fault!

A pained sob tore itself from Hiccup’s throat. Having lost her… that was bad enough. But now, he knew that it had been his own doing, that he should have known better. If he hadn’t been so foolish and selfish… their future would still be in reach.

Hiccup’s hand tightened around the pot – until it cracked. Without a warning, he was emerged in a cloud of intense mayweed scent, and it momentarily rendered him blind and deaf to everything around him. His mind got flooded with the memories he’d tried to hold back – of her smile, of her being in his arms, of burying his face in her hair and inhaling deeply. Of the flush on her face and her little gasps, of the taste of her skin, of holding her through the night. Of all the things that could never be.

With a pained and desperate outcry, he hurled the pot away. He wasn’t looking, didn’t care where it might land. He only wanted to get rid of it, to never relive those memories again. It was too painful.

But when he heard the splash of water, he looked up after all, puzzled. Without him noticing, Cassie and Markor had paused near the little lake that used to house her swans, and the pot must have landed in there.

How fitting, Hiccup thought bitterly as he watched the waves on the surface getting smaller and fading away. Eret had told him about the swans’ fate, how that, too, had hit her. It felt oddly right that this place now was also where all their hopes, dreams, and plans for the future were buried. Forever.

He stayed for a little while longer, gazing at the now-calm lake, and let the pain wash through and out of him. It was over, and there was nothing he could do but accept it.

He let himself wallow for a little bit longer, then forced every remaining trace of pain into a distant corner of his heart to keep it locked there forever. From now on, he had to function. Be it the upcoming tournaments and other occasions or the possibility of still seeing her regularly in case she chose Eret – he couldn’t let her or anyone else see his pain.

From now on, he wouldn’t let his emotions slip ever again.

. o O o .

A part of Astrid still clung to the hope that she would eventually wake up. Nothing seemed real; not the days she’d spent getting introduced to all her suitors, not the evening meals she was to take in the usual company of her father, the Grand Dukes, and their sons, and not the nights when she lay awake crying or too agitated to fall asleep until exhaustion took over. And now, she sat beneath a neat little pavilion, overlooking the fighting grounds that were decorated for the first of many upcoming tournaments, and still didn’t feel as if she was fully awake.

The whole setting was just… surreal. The sudden snow from the previous week had all melted by now, but it was still rather cool, and the practical part of her mind was grateful for her gloves and the warm cloak she was wrapped in – even as her heart kept recalling the warmer days from not so long ago. Around her, everything seemed dull and bland, colourless beneath the grey sky, except the brightly painted flags and banners everywhere which seemed completely out of place. It all just felt wrong to her. And the fact that the men in the arena beneath somehow believed that fighting each other would gain them her favour was just absurd.

Not for the first time, a pained outcry sounded over the crowd followed by a wave of whispers as one of the fighters fell to one knee and clutched at his thigh. Blood quickly stained his blue-and-green-coloured clothes in shades of red, and Astrid hoped that the blow from his opponent's sword hadn’t severed his main artery. It was quite possible that he’d not survive if it had.

The thought upset her even though she didn’t feel as if there was much left of her to be upset. She’d probably talked to this man during the past days, and now, he might very well be dying a pointless death. And the worst was that, if he died, he wouldn’t be the first and certainly not the last one either.

The first had been an accident during a short hunting trip two days prior. The man’s horse had been wounded by a misguided arrow from one of his companions, and the fall off his horse’s back onto the uneven ground of the forest had caused severe injuries – or something like that. Astrid only dimly remembered how the King and the other men had talked about it during dinner. It had been one of three deaths on that day, and since then, the body count had only climbed higher.

And as much as the small sane part of her mind despised these unnecessary deaths, she still had to admit that they weren’t unusual. Accidents during hunts happened. Likewise, injuries during tournaments weren’t uncommon. Many of the young men who participated considered the event incomplete if they hadn’t gotten a scar out of it. Once she had agreed with that bit of joking humour, but now? Now, she just felt numb.

So it was with a heart of stone that she watched the loser be carried off to the healer’s tent, festooned with Freya’s symbol. He wouldn’t be the last victim of these festivities, that was for sure. But as much as she loathed that thought… it wasn’t what really bothered her.

As selfish and as vile as the thought made her feel, she couldn’t bring herself to care too much for these strangers who had all come to haggle over her future as if she was nothing but a pretty adornment for their household. They had known what they were in for.

Although… with a strong sense of unease, she remembered the half hour she’d had to spend with Thuggory the other day. And even though she tried to forget his words, they still lingered.

“So here we are, Milady Astrid, in a close and intimate conversation, just like it should be. I hope you’re enjoying my company, because you’d better get used to it.”

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I will never become your wife. There’s nothing you can do to make me choose you!” It had been nearly the only words she’d said for days she actually remembered.

But Thuggory had only laughed. “Oh, you naive and stupid girl. You think I can’t force you to choose me? What if there’s nobody else left? What if I remove every other candidate until you see reason? You will become my wife, whether you want it or not.”

A shudder ran through her at that memory, and she quickly buried it in the depth of her mind. Thuggory could talk all he wanted, and chances were that he’d get himself killed. She didn’t even really feel bad for hoping for that outcome. But even that wasn’t what really concerned her.

No, what truly occupied her mind was the same topic that was ruling her every thought since the moment the King had made his announcement on her birthday.

She could see him standing at the side of the battleground, holding Eret’s substitute shield and sword ready in case his master might need them. It was the first time she’d seen him since he’d fled from her in the armoury that night, and even though she’d known he would be here, the sight of him had floored her completely.

During the last few days, her heart had… No, it hadn’t started to heal, but it had become numb. She’d refused to think about him, hadn’t let her consciousness dwell on what couldn’t possibly be true. He couldn’t have been right! This wasn’t the first time they’d encountered difficulties or misunderstandings, like when they’d first started to get intimate and he’d more or less avoided her for days. Back then, they had only needed some good advice and the chance to talk openly until everything was clear again. This was no different… wasn’t it?

Her eyes were burning, her lower lip starting to quiver, and she turned her attention back to the fighting men before she would burst out into tears in public. It will all be solved, she repeatedly thought to herself. We just need time to work it out.

But deep inside, she knew that this was very different from the little problems they’d encountered before. Because they already had talked. And it hadn’t solved anything. On the contrary, as much as she hated to admit it, the words he’d said to her at the armoury were not ones she could easily dismiss.

‘We’ve already lost.’

Yes, she’d refused to believe those words, but she also couldn’t simply dismiss them as wrong. No matter how much she wanted to ignore them or how much she tried to come up with a solution… she couldn’t find one. Maybe he’d been right after all...

This was another thought she’d vehemently ignored during the past days, but now… Seeing him standing there tore all wounds open anew. No, she didn’t want to believe that their shared future had been nothing but a pipe dream. But arguing against it became harder and harder, especially with seeing the utter hopelessness in his posture. Oh, he might be trying to hide it, to appear unperturbed and focused on his work – but she easily saw through him just like he’d always been able to see through her mask. She could see how much he was suffering, saw the pain in his hollow eyes. He’d said that he still loved her, that their feelings hadn’t been just their imagination. And yet, he’d clearly given up. There was no fight in him anymore, no strength to even consider fighting. He was broken, and seeing him like that broke her, too.

Biting down on her lip, hard, she gazed down at her hands, clenched into tight fists to keep them from trembling. So, what if he had been right? She’d tried her best to find a solution, but everything she’d brought up he’d warded off as impossible, and rightly so. And he who was so much smarter than her, who was able to think so quickly and come up with solutions for every problem… had given up. Slowly and against her will, the realisation seeped into her heart.

They’d already lost…

Once more, she glanced at where he stood and it felt as if her heart was breaking all over again. It was over, really and truly over. Her hand wandered to her chest as if to catch the shards and keep them together, but it was no use. A fresh wave of pain tore through her and it only got worse when she saw him grimace and mimic her gesture, his hand pressing to his chest as if he could feel it too. For a short heartbeat, he glanced up at where she sat and their eyes met. It was like a last goodbye, a last shared moment, the acknowledgement that he felt the same but that that didn’t change anything.

There was no hope left for them, nothing they could do.

. o O o .

The realisation left her feeling hollow, even more so than the pain of the announcement and his words had before. There was nothing left for her. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope or to fight for. All that was left to her was a dull and empty future with a man she didn’t care for while always remembering what she’d lost, what could have been. It was a frightening thought, and for two days, it was all she could think about, making her tumble deeper and deeper into her misery, until Ruff put an end to it.

“This can’t go on,” she exclaimed when she spotted the plate of once more untouched tea and biscuits. “I get that you feel horrible and I’m sorry, I really am. But you’ve got to eat! You can’t let yourself waste away just because that boy turned your head and broke your heart. No matter how much you might despise this and how little I like to remind you about it, you’ve got responsibilities.”

Astrid snorted, the only reaction that gave away she’d listened at all with her standing by the window and looking out over Lake Vola’s calm surface. Responsibilities… Yes, that was all that was left to her. Fulfilling the expectations placed on her, marrying to keep the Kingdom stable and popping out children for her future husband until her body gave up. It wasn’t any different from what she’d been prepared for all her life, but where before she’d accepted the thought with a certain composure and even a hint of pride to fulfil this duty, it now only made her feel dreadful. But who knew… maybe she would be lucky; maybe she would end like so many other women and not survive such a life for long…

She flinched when, without a warning, a hand touched her shoulder. “Milady, you’ve got to move on,” Ruff said urgently. It could have come across as cruel and cold-hearted, but Astrid knew her maidservant well enough. Most of all, she was practical. “I know it’s not easy, but you have to. You have a few hours left before today’s hunting party returns and you’ll have to welcome them back; how about you try and get on other thoughts until then, take a break? You could visit your horse; Tuff can escort you there. Or the herb garden? Maybe there are a few plants that already grow, or you could clean it up for the warmer days?”

Swallowing, Astrid closed her eyes. Ruff was right, and she knew that. She couldn’t continue like this forever, like nothing but an empty shell. Eventually, she would have to go on, to get over him. A tiny voice in the back of her mind was screaming at her that this was wrong, that she shouldn’t have to get over him, that they were meant to be… But she ignored it and hoped that, one day, the voice would disappear. So far though, it only threatened to tear her apart – the logical knowledge that they had no chance against the denial still simmering beneath – and she wrapped her arms around herself in a fruitless attempt to keep herself together. Suddenly, seeking distraction sounded like an excellent idea.

“Okay,” she whispered weakly. A slight frown crossed her face as she thought about Ruff’s suggestions though. The idea of visiting Markor was alluring, but even with him now housed at the main stables, he was too tightly linked to all those wonderful memories she tried to forget, and she wasn’t sure whether she could stand being near him yet. No, that wasn’t an option, and visiting the herb garden wasn’t an appealing idea either; it would only remind her of these last few days at the dead royal gardens where she’d been offered like meat to a pack of wolves. But what else could she do?

Something like a small smile tugged at her lips as she remembered another option, another place she could go and hide from reality, from who she was, and where she got treated like a normal person.

“Is Tuff ready?” she asked in a quiet but somehow steadier voice. “I’d like to go visit Fishlegs.”

Ruff reacted with an approving grin. She even went so far as to pack the biscuits and other pastries to take with her, even though Astrid felt odd bringing food Heather might very well have prepared herself as a gift. However, she understood that Ruff’s main motivation was her hope that Astrid might still eat something, so she didn’t say anything, and not even half an hour later she knocked on the door to her friends’ house.

There were grunts and the shuffling of cloth audible, even through the door, but it still took over a minute before a tired looking Fishlegs opened her. When he recognised her though, his face brightened. “Astrid! Now, that’s a surprise. Uh, come in, come in.”

He stepped aside and waved her in, threw a wondering look at Tuff but shrugged and closed the door again when her warder made no attempts to come in as well and instead stayed with the chickens outside. He hurried around on his short legs to which he owed his nickname, and picked up boxes and other stuff to make room for her.

Astrid hesitantly took the seat he eventually offered to her and watched him with a worried expression. “Is everything all right? Is this a bad time for me to visit?” she asked, a little self-consciously. She’d looked forward to coming here once the plan was made, but hadn’t spared even a second to think about whether her friends even had time for her. But Fishlegs directly warded her concerns off with a smile and a shake of his head.

“No, no, don’t worry. We were just taking a nap, but it’s time to get up anyway.” As if to contradict himself, he yawned. “Uh, sorry. ‘s been a tough few days, but who am I telling this… Still, it’s good to see you. How are you doing?”

Warding his question off with a grimace and a shrug, she began to unpack the parcel of treats Ruff had given her. She hadn’t come here to dwell even more on her situation though, so she directly changed the subject. “And you?”

Fishlegs gave a little shrug, then longingly eyed the biscuits. “May I?” He reached for one when Astrid nudged the parcel toward him without a word, and ate it with obvious delight. “Mmh, that’s good. Not sure when I last ate anything.” He took another one, and only continued speaking once it was gone, too. “I’m okay. Tired. Overworked. Usually, I wouldn’t take a nap at this time of day, but Master Mulch insisted on it. He claimed that I’ve been on my feet for over thirty hours – and the fact that I don’t know whether that’s true is probably proof enough. But there’s just so much to do! It’s like these men are actually out on getting severely injured. More than one even asked whether he’d keep a ‘cool scar’ out of it.” He shook his head and helped himself to another pastry.

Or others are out to get them injured, she thought, grimacing as she again remembered Thuggory’s sneer. She shuddered, but ignored Fishlegs’ inquisitive look. “So, what kind of injuries do you have to treat? Mostly cuts, I assume?”

“Aye. Or that’s my job, at least, while Master Mulch treats the more urgent injuries,” he nodded, then intently looked at her. “Do you remember how to treat such a cut?”

Astrid chuckled, surprising herself with the sound. It felt odd, as if her being happy was some form of betrayal. But that was a stupid thought; Ruff had been right in insisting for her to get distracted would do her good. And she also was incredibly grateful for Fishlegs to catch up on her mood so quickly.

“I think so?” she replied to his question, focussing on what he’d taught her. “First, you have to clean the wound, with clear water or maybe strong alcohol. Then you put willow bark tincture on it, for disinfection and against the pain. Depending on how deep the cut is, you might need to sew it shut with a good needle. At last, you cover the wound with moss to soak up blood, put a tight-enough cast around it, and threaten the patient with your eternal wrath in case they don’t give the wound enough rest to heal properly,” she recited Fishlegs’ former lesson – even though the last bit was her own addition. It had the desired effect as it made him laugh and congratulate her on still remembering.

They chatted for a while longer, with Astrid feeling lighter by the minute, until Heather joined them. She looked even more tired than her husband had, and gracelessly slumped onto the bench next to him. At first, she eyed the pastries Astrid had brought with a slightly wrinkled nose, but then shrugged and picked one to nibble on.

“Hey, love. Had a good rest?” Fishlegs asked, then jumped up, startling Astrid. “Wait, I’ll make you a mug of that herbal tea. Astrid, what about you?”

“Sure, why not,” she replied with an amused smile, then turned her attention back to Heather. “Lots of work for you too, I guess?”

Again, Heather shrugged. “Yes, but it’s manageable, all in all. Mostly providing refreshments for those watching the tournament and preparing and preserving whatever them men bring from those hunts. It’s not like the crazy increase of work Justin has.”

Astrid raised an eyebrow at her, which made the other woman chuckle.

“Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking. I say that, but still, here I am, looking as if I’d been up for over three days straight.” She shook her head, a soft smile spreading over her face. “But I still say it’s not the work. I’m just kinda always tired lately. Maybe I’ve caught some bug, or so. It’ll pass.”

Before Astrid could reply anything, Fishlegs returned and placed a steaming mug in front of each. “So, here you go. But I’ve gotta leave you now. I’m sure we’ll get new patients once the hunting party returns, and I need to help Master Mulch prepare for that. Bye, Astrid. Was great to see you again.” He waved at her, bent to kiss Heather goodbye, and left.

Astrid reached for her mug, and hummed. She knew that the brew was too hot to drink it yet, but she could still enjoy the heat as part of the comfort around her, and she basked in it all, in this small sanctuary.

Until Heather brutally tore her back into reality.

“So, you’re getting married,” she stated.

It wasn’t a question, and when Astrid threw her a short baffled look before quickly averting her gaze she thought she detected a strange expression in Heather’s eyes. Pity, determination, and… satisfaction? But no, she certainly had imagined that last one, she thought and shook her head, chiding herself. She, too, was overly tired and exhausted, that was all. “Yes,” she breathed, the only answer she could think of. What else was she supposed to reply anyway? It wasn’t a secret, after all. Not anymore.

Heather watched her for a minute, quietly, and then sighed. “I’m sorry,” she said, sounding weirdly formal. “I remember what we talked about some while ago, and… Well, judging by how you haven’t openly proclaimed your love yet and your gloomy mood… I guess the one you had feelings for isn’t someone your father would approve of?”

Astrid pressed her lips shut, her hands around the mug tightening. This was not why she’d come here. She didn’t want to talk about this, about him, didn’t want to think. She wasn’t strong enough for that, not yet. “No, he’s not,” she mumbled weakly. “And-and it’s over anyway.” Saying it out loud, now that she knew it was true, hurt even more, and she hoped that Heather would drop the topic now. But apparently, she wasn’t that lucky.

“I see,” Heather sighed. “Well, again, I’m sorry for you. But this is part of what I meant, you know? When you asked me about how it feels to be in love and I told you to be careful? And it’s probably better this way anyway, that it’s over I mean.” She sighed again. “Gods, I sound heartless. I’d apologise, but what I wan– what I need to tell you won’t sound any better to you.”

Astrid wanted to make her stop talking, to order her if necessary, but she couldn’t find her voice. Unbiddenly, just thinking about him made images and memories flash through her mind, of his shining eyes when he smiled, of his touch when he cradled her cheek, of his warmth when he held her in his embrace. They flooded through her, leaving her powerless to rein them back in, and only Heather’s voice – even as it had caused this in the first place – was able to tear her out of it again.

“The thing is… I know that a marriage out of love is one of the best things that can happen to a person. But you are more than just an ordinary person! You aren’t just responsible for your own happiness, but also for that of your people. And even though I wouldn’t want to begrudge you a love match… I want to ask you to make a prudent choice. Please, think of your people.”

Astrid was trembling, but with the painful memories had also come the numbness of the last few days. As if her body and mind reacted on reflex, shutting down to ward off any harm. “What exactly are you asking of me?” she heard herself ask, her eyes on the little waves on the tea’s surface.

Heather gave a deep sigh. “I… I want to ask you to marry Dagur – or his horse-crazy boyfriend, if necessary. These two… with their impossible relationship and their refusal to marry and take responsibility, they’re a bigger threat to the Kingdom’s stability that those pathetic Malarians who can’t do anything but be an annoying pain at the border. Please, I-I’m begging you. It is within your power to separate them and end this selfish infatuation of theirs that so easily can turn half the Kingdom into chaos. Marry Dagur and give him an heir. It’s w-what the people need!”

There was a heavy silence once Heather stopped talking. To Astrid, it felt oppressive, like a thick blanket smothering everything; every sound, her thoughts, her movements, even the air to breathe. Only slowly, she managed to raise her head and to look at the other woman.

Heather was clearly afraid of having spoken her mind so openly. She was watching her with wide eyes, one hand over her mouth to cover it, the other wrapped around herself in something like a protective gesture. It was a funny sight, in a way. This woman, who had adamantly fought expectations and the people who had wanted to keep her in the place she’d been born into, was afraid of her, a powerless puppet who wasn’t even allowed to choose what she was wearing? It was ridiculous.

But Astrid felt too numb to laugh. Instead, she silently gazed at the woman who she’d thought of as a friend until now. “Thanks for the tea,” she eventually whispered, let go of the untouched mug, and rose to her feet to leave.

In passing, she heard Heather mumble another “I’m sorry!” but she wasn’t in a condition to accept the words.

Tuff looked up in surprise when she appeared next to him, but quickly caught on to her mood after he caught her expression. “Guess that didn’t go as Ruff hoped, eh? What a surprise… You wanna go back?”

Astrid nodded and mutely followed Tuff back to her chambers. And all the while, her head was spinning around what Heather had said.

How dare she? How dare she ask something like this of her? Essentially, it was the same thing the King had asked of her, the same he had suggested. But marrying Dagur – or Eret or Snotlout for that matter – that was insane! How could people even think of this option? It was ridiculous, and wrong, and simply impossible.

. o O o .

No matter how much Astrid tried to dismiss Heather’s suggestion as pure idiocy, the thought kept popping up in her mind at the weirdest of moments. Over and over, she mulled it over in her head, all the reasons why it was a stupid idea and could never work out. It was annoying – but she was still grateful for it. Thinking about this kept her mind occupied and prevented her from drowning in pain. At night, she was still helpless to the onslaught of memories, crying until she had no tears left, but at least during the day she was managing better now. And during dinner two days later, she was even able to pay attention to what happened around her again.

“Hey, Dag. Could you hand me the cheese plate?”

The question came from Snot next to her, and Astrid reacted without thinking as she reached for the plate that stood right in front of her and pushed it over to him.

“Uh… thanks, Astrid,” Snot grunted, clearly perplexed.

She gave him a nod and something like a small smile, then looked around into the astonished but smiling faces of her brothers. “What?” she asked, a little defensively. It wasn’t as if she usually was too proud to help either.

Eret’s smile softened a little. “Nothing. It’s just good to have you back.” She frowned, but he didn’t elaborate and she was grateful for that. She really hadn’t been here lately, had she?

With a low sigh, she reached for a bread roll and the cheese as well. She did it out of reflex, to not get scolded again for eating too little, and only after taking a first bite did she realise how hungry she actually was. Maybe Ruff had been right after all. Maybe it was time for her to accept the lot fate had dealt her and roll with it. As always, the thought came with a hidden, painful sting, but she refused to let it hit her, to even let the tiniest of thoughts about… about this topic reach her consciousness. She might be more composed now, but she certainly wasn’t strong enough for that. So when Eret addressed the older men at the other end of the table a minute later, she happily focused all her attention on their conversation.

“Uncle Spitelout? I know I’m asking this every night, but have you received any news from Daniel today?”

At that, Astrid looked up with real interest now. Whenever Spitelout was at the castle, he happily took over overseeing the royal pigeonry for the time being. She’d never understood his fascination with the birds, but then, everybody needed a hobby, she assumed. It made him happy and also meant that he was always informed about what kind of messages had left or reached the castle through the homing pigeons. And even with how twisted her thoughts about Daniel were these days, she was still eager to hear from him.

However, Spitelout, who’d just pushed his plate away with a clearly satisfied sigh, just gave a little grunt and shook his head. “Sorry, boy, but there still was no answer. The last time we heard from him was a week ago when he informed us that everything goes as planned.” He shrugged. “Beyond that, ‘No news are good news’. Besides, who knows whether your message has even reached him yet? My birds only fly to their nests in Westhill, after all, and from there a courier would have to be sent out to find him and deliver your message – and while we know where the Prince is supposed to be, itineraries in that region can be seen as little more than polite suggestions.”

“Looks like you’ll have to wait until he’s back, son,” Eret II added with an amused smile. “Just be a little patient, he’ll be back in two weeks anyway.”

Eret grunted, but didn’t ask anything else, and instead focused on his overly full plate.

Astrid had watched the short exchange with a bit of apparently obvious bewilderment, so Dagur, who seemed to have caught her puzzled look, now leaned over to explain in a low voice. “Eret sent a pigeon with a message to Westhill, a day or two after… well, after this whole mess started. I read a part of it and it was hilarious; a collection of not-very-nice insults and the repeated demand for what in the name of Hel’s pale tit Daniel had been thinking.” He shrugged, grinning. “To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if Daniel chose not to answer. I certainly wouldn’t. Either way, their next meeting is going to be fun. Chippy was fuming in the beginning, and I bet he’s still not entirely calmed down, though don’t ask me what exactly it was that had set him off like that. He didn’t even tell me.”

She threw a glance at Eret, and the tight grip with which he held his cutlery and the slightly troubled grimace on his face seemed to prove Dagur’s words true. It made her wonder. Sure, she didn’t have the most sisterly feelings for Daniel these days either; his knowing about this plan and not telling her felt like too much of a betrayal. But it made little sense for Eret to have the same reasons for his anger. She didn’t get the chance to further wonder about his behaviour though.

“I’ve got to agree, it’s good to have you back among the living,” came suddenly Snot’s voice from beside her, and when she turned to look at him, he had a wide grin on his face. “And since the kitchen provided us with this dish tonight... May I suggest you try this cold venison? It’s deer prepared after a recipe our chef in Westhill developed, and it is delicious.”

Perplexed, she watched as Snot placed a piece of the rosy meat onto her plate before she could even react. Then she grimaced, and shook her head. “No, thanks. No venison for me,” she mumbled. Snot couldn’t know her feelings there, of course. But she simply wasn’t able to eat any form of venison – or meat in general – lately. Not since her birthday.

“Snot, you really are an idiot, do you know that?” Dagur commented dryly as he reached over to pick the venison off her plate and devoured it whole. The sight made a small amused smile tug at her lips. Good manners weren’t exactly one of Dagur’s strong assets – and probably never would be.

Snot huffed, but didn’t further react to Dagur. Instead, he turned his attention back to Astrid and the cheese plate between them. “I’m sorry, how thoughtless of me. But… well, then how about this?” He cut off a piece of soft cheese with a greyish-yellow rind and held it out for her with a broad smile. “Father and I brought this on your father’s request; he liked it a lot the last time he visited Westhill. It has a rich and piney flavour that only develops when the cheese gets extra time to age.”

Hesitantly and with a slight frown, Astrid accepted the offered cheese, more out of reflex than of real interest. What was up with Snot? It wasn’t as if she didn’t know this behaviour from him; focussing all his attention on one person, being friendly and observant while more or less subtly advertising himself, his family, or his home. But so far, he’d never directed it at her! Was he actually flirting with her? He couldn’t be serious, could he? Surely, he had to be joking, overacting to throw it back into their fathers’ faces… right?

She looked at him, trying to detect something in his expression, a twitch of his lips maybe or an amused spark in his eyes. But there was nothing. Still trying to make sense of Snot’s behaviour, she took a bite of the cheese, but couldn’t help but grimace at the weirdly unctuous taste. “Urgh, sorry, but I think I’ll pass this one,” she said in as polite a tone as she could muster. She kind of appreciated Snot’s attention as it served as a good distraction, but it still left a strange aftertaste.

Hoping he would leave her be now, she wanted to reach for her glass of wine, but sighed when she found it empty.

“Here, let me get you a refill,” Snot directly prompted. He reached for one of the wine carafes at the end of the table, and before she could even blink her glass was filled again. “This one is another speciality we brought from Westhill, and if I remember correctly, you quite liked this one. ‘Rich-yet-not-overpowering berry fruit flavour surrounded with hints of cassis and cherry’ was your description, I think.”

Despite her annoyance at his renewed attention, Astrid couldn’t help but feel grateful, both for the wine and that he’d remembered. She tried a sip, and couldn’t help but hmm. The rich liquid tasted wonderful and made her relax almost instantly. Before she knew how, the glass was empty, and with a low, regretful sigh, she placed it back onto the table. She didn’t want to get drunk, couldn’t afford it, but the idea of getting rid of all her problems, if only for a few hours, was alluring. And the wine really did taste good.

So she didn’t object when Snot got her another refill, and didn’t even mind him directly diving into his next story about all the formidable vineyards they had in Westhill and how much more they could have.

With a resigned sigh, she settled on sipping her wine and tried to drone out his monologue. A part of her tried to reason that he certainly didn’t mean to annoy her into anger with his apparent flirting. Maybe she was just too over-sensitive and strained right now to detect the signs of joking.

Because he couldn’t be serious, right? He couldn’t be actually flirting with her. No matter what their fathers wanted, he was still her brother! But the longer the dinner lasted, the more plain his advances became and the more she wished to get away from him. Snot, like all of her brothers, had always been a source of comfort to her, but tonight she felt the opposite.

His behaviour reminded her of the impossible implication of her marrying one of them. Although, at least Snot didn’t seem to think it impossible, even though the thought made her shudder. Marrying one of her brothers… that was completely insane!

Wasn’t it?

. o O o .

Right...Yeah, it still feels like not much has happened in this chapter, but it's actually been a lot, I think. Many little things, development, preparation...Sorry if it sucks...

And I promise this is still very much a Hiccstrid story!

*jumps back into hiding*

Next chapter

#For The Love Of A Princess #FTLOAP #hiccstrid #hiccstrid fanfiction #hiccstrid angst #romance #Royalty AU #hiccstrid royal au #medieval au #Hiccstrid Medieval AU #httyd #Hiccup and Astrid

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