#vax has already had A No Good Very Bad Day Already!

[mockingmolly]

i love that the raven queen basically went congrats you’re my new champion! :) *traumatizes the fuck out of you* *traumatizes the fuck out of you* *traumatizes the fu-*

[waltwhitmansbeard]

"Why haven't you been eating?" with vaxleth?

43. "Why haven't you been eating?" setting this pre-mfl!

turned my water into wine #48

Sovereign Korrin has been gone from Zephrah for a mere week and a half, and already Keyleth feels as though she is a tapestry fraying at the edges. It isn't as if she hasn't watched her father run this nation for the past twenty-odd years, as if she didn't know before assuming command of the castle what would be expected of her in his stead. Yet here she is, harried and stressed, constantly bouncing from this meeting to the next, hoping that along the way, she does not make the decision that spells disaster for her people.

So her days are long and tiresome, and her nights full with the reading of reports and the writing of missives. The castle staff can scarcely keep her in supply of candles as she works far past moonrise, sometimes straight through 'til morning. Some nights, she wishes Vax would not come to her, just so she wouldn't have to see the concern in his eyes when he wakes to leave only to find her already hunched over her desk, halfway through a ledger of accounts or a letter to a general.

But come to her he does, every night, as reliable as the tides. She lets him in, lets herself fold into his chest, just long enough to convince herself that perhaps things won't fall apart. He brushes her hair, takes his time plaiting it back as he hums under his breath, and then quietly reads from her personal library as she continues on with her work. Still, though, she can feel his eyes on her, and instead of the usual hunger in them, she knows they contain naught but unease.

After two weeks of this, when Keyleth opens the secret door in the stone to let him in, instead of pulling her into his arms as is his wont, he frowns at her, face stern. "Keyleth."

She startles at the reproach in his stone. "Yes?"

"Why haven't you been eating?"

Flabbergasted, she says, "What on earth are you talking about?"

With a sigh, Vax nudges his way inside. "We can start with the dinner sitting cold right over here." He gestures to the corner of her writing desk, which does indeed hold a plate of meats and vegetables that were delivered for her well over two hours ago and are surely inedible at this point.

Still, she waves off his concern. "I got caught up in what I was doing. Not to worry, I'm fine."

"Truly?" He takes her elbow and guides her over to her long, ornate mirror, an item she tends to avoid at all costs. "Have you seen yourself lately?"

She looks at herself, past the hair hanging limp and the nightgown stained with late-night tea, and tries to see what Vax is talking about. Perhaps her skin is a bit sallower than usual, yes, and certainly her dark circles have rarely been so pronounced. Vax's hand comes to rest on her cheek, and his thumb swipes a half-circle in the hollow of her cheek. "You're wasting away, Kiki." His other hand comes to rest on her hip, and to her surprise, she can feel it digging into the bone. "You are not fine."

Has she truly not been eating? She tries to remember, but her mind is filled with all manner of facts and figures, strategies and contingencies, that she has little room for such mundane matters as food. She can admit she has had little appetite these days, between the workload and the stress, but surely things have not gotten this bad?

As if on cue, her stomach growls a tiger's roar. Vax hooks his chin onto her shoulder and meets her eye in the mirror. "Nothing impresses me more than your unwavering dedication to your nation, Your Highness, but I will not see it eat you alive from the inside out."

She is just so very tired. "I...I don't..."

"Come here." He spins her around—she can offer little resistance, not that she would—and holds her face in both hands. "Open the door and tell Kynan to instruct the kitchen to send up another plate. I don't care that it's late—" He talks right over her attempted protest. "—this is what they are hired to do, and besides, I have it on good authority that your affliction has not gone unnoticed amongst the staff, and it is best to quell any rumors before they can blossom. We will sit by the fire until it arrives, and then you will eat it, and then we will go to bed, and at no point for the rest of this evening will you read or write or otherwise use that brilliant mind I adore so keenly." He tips his forehead against hers. "You need to rest, Keyleth, before I and the Ashari Nation both lose the thing we care about most."

And she wants to argue, so badly, as there are still yet letters to write and choices to makes, but his voice is thick like honey and his hands are warm like the fire and all she wants to do is melt into him, to disappear from this room of stone and emerge into a sunlit field, surrounded by nothing but grass and flowers and his hair. Her stomach calls out again, and she knows the fight is lost. "Alright."

He kisses both cheeks and then steps back, clearing her path to the door. As he goes to hide behind her dressing screen, she makes her way to the door, finally ready to ask for what she needs.

[missizzy]

Perc'ahlia Week Day 5 Fic

Vex isn't even sure how long she stands there. At one point, her finger wanders up and traces her lips, the lips Percy just kissed. A single act, accompanied by some objectively frustrating words, and her understanding of Percy, his actions, and the reasons behind them have changed completely.

Everything he'd made for her and done for her, some so easily explained as the acts of an ally, a brother in arms. The rest of it, all of which, she's told herself, could still just be him being a friend. Maybe some of it still was, she supposes, but now she thinks the rest of it he's done for the same reason she's behaved as she has towards him.

Always a cost or a cruelty. The old words ring in her head, a warning her mind will never not give her.

But Percy isn't like most rich men in the first place, she reminds herself. It's not at all a nice thing to think, but what happened to him at the hands of the Briarwoods and their ilk may have saved him from that fate. Thanks to them, he's known loss, and pain, and deprivation, and he's known what it is to fight for his own survival. There may be some assholes with money who went through some or all of that and still turned out to be the usual kind of bad, but Vex doesn't think Percy's one of them. Hells, if he ever does join his sister in helping with the running of Whitestone, his people will hopefully fare better from his having been in their shoes.

This offer's kind of a new one for her, too. There have been very few offers Vex has received involving any relationships lasting longer than a few nights, certainly none from anyone with much money, or any she's had any interest in taking. With the rich men, sex was more likely to be a cost, and too often wouldn't be the kind she'd at all enjoy either.

There's never been any rich man she's wanted either thing from, either. There'd been one of their wives once, wrong and downtrodden, whom she'd spent a splendid two nights with, and she might have liked more with her, but that still would've been limited commitment, and anyway the woman had been too scared to allow her any more.

And that had all been for good reason. Relationships with any sort of people have costs. For most of their lives, neither she nor Vax have been willing to pay those long-term. They spent so long not at home anywhere, not willing to put anyone before each other, never finding anyone to keep with them besides Trinket. Even when they became part of a bigger group, it took them a long time to believe it would last, to admit they cared for their new friends as much as they've now come to.

Not to mention Percy actually would come with costs many a lover wouldn't. Vex has seen the whole thing with Orthax, and she knows more figurative demons still plague him. Anyone who gets involved with him would, inevitably, have to at least partly face those with him, no matter how much he tried to spare them that.

The thing is, Vex very much *wants* to do that. She wants to help Percy, to help him fight, at least as much as someone else can help someone in that struggle. She likes to think, in fact, that she's been a help to him already, including with what she's said to him just now. All of this has been true before already, but knowing how far things are looking likely to go, she wants to even more.

There are Percy's less savory traits to think of as well. He still has much of the rich man's arrogance, is not free from his occasional obliviousness. Which she does even find endearing on occasion, but she's aware that were she to get involved with him, even if she could maybe then avert some of the worst of it, the countless times it's driven her crazy will probably still get worse.

And then there are his cruelties. Vex knows those too, has witnessed them. Mostly aimed at those who deserved it, yes, and never aimed at her. When she's feeling optimistic, she can hope they never will be. But she knows well that those who get too close to each other have too much ability to hurt each other, and will at least a little, even when they don't want to, and it's impossible to be completely sure the worst would never happen.

Percy's not a typical rich asshole, no. He'd be much less of a danger to her if he were.

And yet, she can't help but think of the gifts he gave her the night before and that day in Syngorn; he still might never know how much that meant to her. Everything he's created for her, asking only that she do her part in their battles together, if even that. That just his smile makes her feel too happy inside. He seems to smile around her a lot, too. How good kissing him felt, better than kissing ever has, maybe.

As she finally starts to walk back to the others, Vex also things about everything else she wants with Percy. Everything from the purest of heart to heart conversations (much as those still scare her) to the filthiest of sexual acts. The idea that she could have all of it makes her want to just leap first and look later.

When she gets back to them, Vax and Scanlan have at least put everything back into their pants. They have managed to get a hold of Percy, and are now showing him the creations in the snow Vex is honestly going to try not to look at too much. He is looking at them, making some possibly sarky comments, from the reactions of the other two, though she can't quite catch their words. He also takes a moment to glance over at where Keyleth is casting away, fondness and maybe a little concern flickering across his face as he does so.

Costs she can pay. Cruelties she can risk. Percy is worth it.

[shemarmooresfedora]

Rebuilding Family

Summary: Y/N and Spencer were college sweethearts at Cal-Tech but once Spencer got accepted to the FBI Academy, he ended things deciding it was not fair to make Y/N wait for him. When they meet again years later, he discovers something unexpected.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

A/N: no fic-related news but i did get my first dose of the covid vaccine today so that’s exciting! GET VAXXED, PEOPLE! SPENCER WOULD WANT YOU TO!!

Masterlist

Chapter 20

“Hey Hotch,” Spencer knocked on his boss’s door.

Spencer got in extra early today to have his meeting with Hotch and hopefully tie up all the loose ends in his paperwork.

“Reid, come in,” Hotch gestured to one of the chairs in front of his desk.

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and talking with Y/N and I think my time at the BAU is coming to an end,” Spencer said.

“I see,” Hotch leaned back in his chair, “Well, I think it goes without saying that you would certainly be missed. But, I’m not going to try to convince you to stay because I feel like this is a good decision for you...one I probably should have made myself if we’re being completely honest.”

“You made it work though, Jack loves his superhero dad,” Spencer reassured him, “I just can’t keep missing stuff after already missing six years. It’s too much and I certainly can’t focus on cases when I’m desperately wishing I was somewhere else.”

“How about this? We put you on temporary unpaid leave for a year. Then, you can either choose to come back or quit for good. This will give you plenty of family time and then you’ll see if you’re ever ready to return or not. It’s up to you. Also, if I just put you on leave, it can start as early as tomorrow. Instead of you just quitting and then having to put your two weeks in and be called away on more cases.”

“That sounds great, Hotch. Thank you so much for your understanding. If I don’t come back, it was a pleasure working with you. But I’m sure I will see you around at Rossi’s dinner parties,” Spencer grinned.

Hotch and Spencer hugged before pulling away to see the rest of the team filing into the bullpen.

“I guess I have to tell them,” Spencer sighed, knowing they would be a little disappointed at the sudden news.

“Hey guys, I have an announcement,” Spencer walked out of Hotch’s office.

“You have another secret daughter?” Derek joked.

“Y/N is pregnant?” Penelope guessed.

“You’re engaged?” Emily asked.

“Um no to all, I know this is a bit sudden and I apologize for that but effective tomorrow, I will be taking a year long leave from the BAU which may turn permanent,” Spencer spoke softly.

Silence filled the room.

“It’s not that I don’t love this job or you guys. You all know you are my best friends but I just really need to be home with my family right now,” Spencer explained.

Derek was the first to walk up to Spencer, “We’re gonna miss you around here, kid.”

He pulled Spencer in for a hug, ruffling up his hair.

Penelope was next in line to hug Spencer with a tissue already dabbing at her eyes.

“I hate to see you go, Boy Wonder, but I know it’s what’s best for you,” she said.

“I think Jo may be an even stricter boss than Hotch,” Rossi teased.

“She does have a tendency to get grumpy when she isn’t allowed to have ice cream for dinner,” Spencer laughed lightly, wiping the tears that were forming from his eyes.

“Please don’t ever stop talking. I know we tease you but I truly am going to miss your rambles,” Emily whispered.

“I’m just a phone call away,” he promised.

“You deserve this. Do not feel bad,” JJ reminded him.

He nodded in acknowledgement, his voice getting caught in the lump in his throat.

“We need a cake!” Penelope exclaimed, “I will not have the Good Doctor’s last day be cakeless especially with that sweet tooth of his.”

“On it,” Derek said, grabbing his keys.

“Decorations too! See if Party City has a Happy Retirement section!” she shouted after him.

“You’ve got it, baby girl,” Derek replied.

-

Spencer returned home in the evening with a cardboard box full of his belongings that once resided on his desk. 7 years of his career packed into one box. It seemed sad to him that such a big chapter of his life was closing.

But then, he walked inside. You and Jo had karaoke up on the TV screen. You both were currently in the middle of Wannabe by the Spice Girls. Jo even had her baseball cap on backwards to complete the look.

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Make it last forever, friendship never ends. If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give. Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is,” Jo sang.

Then you jumped in, “So, here's a story from A to Z. You wanna get with me, you gotta listen carefully. We got Em in the place who likes it in your face. You got G like MC who likes it on a

Easy V doesn't come for free, she's a real lady. And as for me, ha you'll see.”

“Slam your bodies down and wind it all around,” you both sang.

You turned around to see Spencer standing there and you let out a yelp.

“Oh no, please continue. Don’t stop on my account,” he grinned.

“Daddy!” Jo jumped up into his arms.

He moved Jo to his hip as you approached.

“Hi, love,” you greeted him with a kiss.

He was no longer sad. This was the right choice. This is where he belonged.

-

“Shhh” is the first thing you heard as you awoke followed by the quiet rattling of dishes.

“Jo, no!” you heard Spencer whisper-shout, “I said not until Mommy wakes up.”

“I’m up,” you muttered into your pillow.

You turned to the side of your bed to see Jo standing there with a tray of food and Spencer behind her with a bouquet of flowers.

You smiled softly.

“Happy Mother’s Day!” they both cheered.

“Thank you, my loves,” you gave them both kisses, accepting the tray from Jo as Spencer set the flower vase down on your bedside table.

The food on the tray consisted of a mug of coffee, a cup of orange juice, bacon, a bowl of blueberries, and a big chocolate chip pancake with sliced strawberries for the eyes and nose and a whipped cream smile.

“Very artistic,” you grinned.

Spencer returned next to you in bed, getting under the covers. He was wearing a plain gray fitted t-shirt, flannel PJ pants, and his glasses.

“Jo, you can go get your present for Mommy while she eats,” he suggested.

Once Jo left the room to go retrieve her gift, you planted a much messier kiss on Spencer’s lips.

“Not that I’m complaining but what was that for?” he smirked.

“You know how sexy I told you those glasses make you look,” you stated, taking a bite of a strip of bacon.

“I’ll keep them on all day then as part of your gift,” he smiled.

Jo crawled on to the bed with a wrapped box and an envelope taped to it. The card was clearly homemade by Jo and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Look at this beautiful artwork!” you exclaimed, opening the card.

Inside was a gift card for a spa downtown surrounded by Jo’s doodles.

“JJ said that place was really nice. There’s enough on there for you and a friend to get a full day of pampering,” Spencer said.

“Well, that’s good that she likes it because I will probably bring her along as my fellow mom. Thank you both,” you smiled.

Jo pushed the wrapped box towards you. You opened it to find a multi-colored beaded necklace.

“I made it for you, Mommy,” Jo beamed as you put it on over your head.

“That is so very thoughtful of you,” you kissed her forehead, “It fits me perfectly and you even included my favorite color.”

“I planned a picnic for today but if you would rather stay home and relax all day, I totally get it. Jo and I can go to the park and you can have some peace and quiet,” Spencer offered.

“Are you kidding me? It’s called Mother’s Day, I want to spend some time with the little girl who made me the luckiest one in the entire world,” you smiled.

“Picnic, it is then. I’ll get Jo all dressed and the bag packed. Here, let me take that,” Spencer left the room, balancing Jo on one hip and your tray of dirty dishes on the other.

You were really going to have to bring your all for Father’s Day next month.

[thorraborinn]

This is a genuine question and something I’ve been worried about, and I hope it’s okay to ask and that I’m wording it right. How does one guard oneself from being sucked into negative ideologies (especially as it pertains to heathenry)? It seems like even very intelligent, kind people can get sucked into these things. I’ve recently had 3 people close to me become a very hateful Christian, anti-vax, and a TERF, so this has been on my mind a lot on how to guard against toxicity warping my views.

I’ve been having trouble answering this because at the end of the day the answer is that you can’t look to me for this, I don’t know the answers and I don’t live up to my own standards either, my perspective is never not going to be that of a white settler but I also can’t offload the responsibility so I’ll just do what I can and do it publicly so others can scrutinize it. This is probably gonna get rambling and ranty and won’t be any better than anyone else’s response anyway so I’ll save everyone’s dash. There’s stuff I wasn’t able to articulate properly and didn’t want to put it half-formed into the post, and stuff that is half-formed but I put it in anyway. I dunno. I gotta hit “post” eventually.

I think you have a leg up on most people by acknowledging out the gate that you could be susceptible to it too. Thinking that you would never have to worry about it would be asking for trouble or at least disarming any defense system you might have. Generally, people do not think that their own beliefs are bad, which is common sense, but then people still think they’ll be able to identify bigotry in their own views.

I won’t spend a huge amount of time on this point because I think it’s probably pretty clear already but maintaining a good analysis of the way the world works is important as long as you don’t get so attached to preserving that model that you can’t entertain other ideas and check to make sure your model is still useful.  At the same time, don’t allow yourself to be convinced you have all the answers or that you have to have an opinion on everything, especially stuff you don’t know that well. Read a lot, and read a variety, and make sure you’re reading works by people who have experiences you don’t have. I don’t want to prescribe reading and I don’t know who you are or what your experiences are but some sources that have been important for me include Sylvia Wynter (especially this piece: PDF), Black Reconstruction by W.E.B. Du Bois, various stuff about and by the Zapatistas, No Wall they can Build put out by crimethinc, As Black as Resistance by Zoe Samudzi and William C. Anderson, abolitionist work by Mariame Kaba. Two important reads for our contemporary circumstances are of course the Combahee River Collective Statement, Decolonization is not a Metaphor (link to PDF), and “Accomplices Not Allies”. I suspect that knowing one topic, or one somewhat bounded set of history really well is more impactful than trying to get a shallow understanding of everything (e.g. by paying attention to how the Turkish government treats Kurds you’re more primed to identify what’s going on when the Chilean government accuses the Mapuche of being terrorists as a pretext to killing and imprisoning them and advancing extractive industry deeper into their lands). Remember to follow citations back to their sources at least periodically, you can’t possibly to that for everything but doing it sometimes and making sure you can do it helps develop your bullshit detector.

You should also know something about the history of conspiracy theories and of the ones that impacted the Nazis especially. Such an outrageous amount of conspiratorial thinking descends from antisemetic conspiracy theories like the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. I mostly know this stuff as it intersects with Nazi occultism (for which, Nicholas Goodrick-Clarke is a good go-to) so to be honest my ability to recommend general reading on it is limited. There’s shitloads of books about this but I’m not sure what to recommend. The Unquiet Dead goes into it a lot and also talks about modern paganism, they used to have a Tumblr where you could read every chapter but you might have to dig through the Resonance Audio Distro site to find them now. The Behind the Bastards podcast has a lot of episodes that relate to this. There’s about a billion books and podcasts about QAnon and again I don’t really know what to recommend but fully-articulated conspiracy theories are very influential and even impact people who don’t buy into the entire theory or subculture.

I think most of this is more emotional than people realize, and looking for purely rational solutions without attending to the emotional side of it is where a lot of people go wrong. This is why intelligent people can fall for conspiratorial thinking. I think people generally believe what they want to believe as long as they can present it to themselves in a way that preserves their self-image as rational, and people who do complex rationalizations are able to extend that further than others.

One of the most important things for me is having people I can talk to with whom I can express questions, doubts, challenges and know that if I go off the rails they’ll call me on it, and in exchange I do the same for them. I don’t blame anyone for being skeptical about vaccines in a world where the CIA actually literally did a fake vaccine campaign in order to illegally collect DNA. You have to be able to express and talk about doubt without it leading to counterproductive decision-making. There’s risk of groupthink here so it might be best to have multiple non-overlapping sources for this. Good faith discussion and debate is extremely important and you can’t really do it on the internet anymore now that everyone takes disagreement as a personal attack (or: expresses disagreement in the form of personal attack), so it’s important to cultivate social ecosystems where you can do that. I don’t think there’s an easy way to acquire such connections. I have them from organizing and these people are basically family to me so if any of us start to lose our heads the others will feel the responsibility to help find them, rather than cut them off or declare it not their problem. These are also well-read folks so it’s helpful to have people who can point you to resources, etc. Again, there’s no easy way to get this, these are relationships built up out of small instances of working toward shared goals, silting together over years.

Another is that you have to get comfortable with being called out or otherwise told you’re wrong. Even if you think the callout is a mistake. Random example, but if you get accused of being racist or doing something racist you should be able to just sit with it without defending yourself (even if it isn’t how you end up reacting, you should make sure that you have that as an option). I think we lose ourselves in the chain of reactions, so that even if the original event really was an accidental misunderstanding we can react in irrational ways, and then try to cover that up, even from ourselves. It takes some emotional muscle to recognize and address something bad about yourself and taking callouts and accusations seriously, even unfair ones, is like the training wheels version of that. It goes without saying that this really only works or matters if people aren’t cutting each other off completely for any moral infraction (this isn’t new and it isn’t just an internet thing btw, there’s just new terminology for it). Don’t put people on pedastals though either. Cutting ties has to always be an option too, just not the automatic knee-jerk one. Sometimes this sort of thinking develops out of making excuses for people you care about because you don’t want to face that they’re not who you thought they were.

Related to the last one. Make sure you’re not in it for the back-pats. Make sure you’re doing the right thing even if nobody will ever know or even if you’ll get mistaken for being the opposite. It’s important to be able to work in support and solidarity with marginalized people but you have to also be prepared to make sure you’re not gaining those ally points at the expense of the people you’re supposed to be helping. Also, make sure it isn’t about “being a good person.” There’s no merit for us to accumulate, our good actions don’t count against our bad ones, none of that stuff is real. There’s just choosing action and reflecting on it, over and over forever. None of us really have any hope of getting through this world unmarred by racism and patriarchy so congratulating yourself for not being a racist is not productive at all and just prevents you from spotting it when it does show its face. I don’t believe in good people or bad people or the entire concept of “deserving” things; when I say this people usually think I sound cruel, like I’m consigning the world to mechanical brutality but honestly the whole thing ends up benefiting the powerful anyway, or at the very least encourages a moral audit of people before helping them, and I’m not interested in any of that. I think one reason people fall for conspiracies is to preserve the self-image of a “good person” or to explain why they, a “good person,” don’t have what they “deserve.”

I know a lot of this sounds not really directly related but my answers to everything end up being different detours to the same destination, that working together with small groups of friends/family/some other kind of kin toward the goals you have in common is good for you for a lot of reasons other than the most obvious ones. I’m lucky in that I’m from a densely-populated area with a lot of opportunities to show up in person and that isn’t as easy for everyone as it is for me, but I also can’t pretend that it hasn’t been the most important part of my life for understanding the world I inhabit. I mean if I’m understanding correctly about a lot of the QAnon stuff it seems one of the major contributors to conspiratorial thinking is loneliness

I think it’s also important to stay grounded in actual literal material action and not get lost in evaluating explanatory models first. That’s what’s easier to talk about online but at the end of the day it comes down to putting your hands on something. The ideas behind it matter but they matter in a sort of immediate-retroactive way, getting their value from the action they exist in relation to. Having your opinion of trans people verified against an external checksum of correctness doesn’t really mean anything if you’re not actually helping to make the world less hostile to them, and doing that work helps you understand the ways that the world is hostile to them, which in turn makes you more resistant to misinformation (and also to cooptation).

I don’t really think I’m done here but I’m running out of steam. I wrote and deleted a lot of paragraphs and I don’t know how to make them work. I don’t think that one blog post is really going to end up making that big an impact on this, at least not on its own. So I guess the last thing I want to say, and it’s not really that different from some stuff I’ve already said, is that it’s important not to give into the temptation of thinking you’re done doing this work. You have to learn how to appreciate the struggle for the sake of struggling. That’s the only way to keep it up, and keeping it up is necessary.

Oh yeah, I forgot to write about heathenry, like, at all. For the most part I think all of this applies the same way inside and outside of heathenry but there might need to be even more emphasis on guarding against antisemitic conspiracy theories and learning to identify its scent. Be wary of anything that treats Norse or Germanic people like they had any kind of actual unity. Don’t allow yourself to get too loyal to any authors or ideas. Never stop trying to break everything. And don’t forget that “real” heathenry isn’t the model in your head, it’s the relationships you have with other people and things around you. When it comes to doing the difficult work of facing insufficiencies within yourself or facing times when you acted like an asshole I understand that some heathens find that working with or praying to certain gods is helpful for that, and that confronting those things is a part of religious practice itself.

I don’t know. There really isn’t any answer. Just keep trying. I hope this helps.

[cadykeus-clay]

i would low key love to hear your tangent about the differences there are between how VM and TM9 react with the world

ah, the perfect excuse for me to put off my 30 page reading, thank you :3

(i’m also going to preface this by saying most of this is stuff i’ve picked from other people’s various metas and i absolutely do not remember who those authors might be so i apologize jsdlkfsd)

....

but uh ... basically i feel like vox machina and the nein have a completely opposite standard for how they interact with the people the consider to be their “inner circle” vs. everyone who doesn’t qualify as that. 

vm is a group of individuals who, overall, had one cruel person that slighted them but didn’t really destroy their faith in humanity. (their faith in themselves is a whole different horse. that ones .... woof. looking at you percy scanlan tary keyleth.) Percy had the briarwoods, Grog had Kevdak, the twins and tary had their father. so, the way that they interact with just random people that they meet is - with exceptions of course - amicable, or at the very least, respectably polite. 

they’re the saviours of emon, the freers of whitestone. they have festivals held in their honor. they have kid fans and random farmers knocking on their doorstep for aid because they’ve heard tales of the kindness. sure, vex can be a hassle when she’s haggling down a price, and keyleth tends to poke buttons in way that gets her arrested a fair amount of the time, but at the end of the day they’re the people’s heroes, and they’re happy to be that!

their inner circle, however, is much more closely guarded. they have a few chosen allies (gilmore, allura, kima, kash and zahra, cassandra) and that’s it. They’re hesitant with anyone else trying to creep into their personal fold. Hell, it took beating up tary and him breaking down sobbing for them to even consider liking him. they’ve been burned by raishan and clarota and hotis, by individuals they let in and who then stabbed them in the back. they’ll do almost any favor for a stranger who asks, but they’ll be damned if they trust anyone to actually join their midst. vox machina is vox machina is vox machina and that’s incredibly hard to change. 

the nein, on the other hand, are fundamentally a group of rejects. some of them have specific people they can point a finger at and say “i hate you”, but those problems stem from a greater societal rejection. beau has daddy issues, but she also felt rejected by the entire cobalt soul until dairon found her. caleb has trent’s fucked up shit, but he also has this constant pressure of having failed his entire country, not to mention the faceless hate piled up on him from living homeless for a year. jester’s whole deal is that she had to hide from LITERALLY ALL OF SOCIETY for her entire childhood because she wasn’t supposed to exist.

and so, the nein are shitheads to society right back. they’re mean to random barkeeps, they trash their inns and don’t say sorry, they mock most NPCs behind their back (or sometimes right to their face. @ marius).  Every favor asked of them comes with a ton of deliberation and arguing about whether its bait or not (ie bowlgate, the giants in the mine outside rosohna, essiks “favors”). 

but, on the flip side, they’re willing to tug just about anyone into their ranks. if society already hates them by default, what’s there to lose if they get close to someone? nothing, there’s only more love to be found! so it’s adopting random bird girls on the road, its sending cupcakes to a hag that cursed your friend, its sending messages to everyone you’ve ever met just to check in, it’s making someone sit in the hot tub with you and share trauma and then when you find out he started a war you say “we get it bro” and kiss him on the forehead. it’s “welcome to the mighty nein”. 

and it’s also very interesting, i think, to talk about the ways in which the party interacts with themselves. vox machina was a family, undoubtedly, as is the nein now. but vox machina ... had a lack of desperation to their attachment. i mean for one, they took a full year off from adventuring together and scattered cross continent. even if the nein gets down time like they did, i expect they’ll just trail each other around like lemmings. (its kind of what they’ve been doing from hiatus until now with the eiselcross arc starting). 

but vox machina just ... went. and scanlan walked away from the party and (after the heat of the moment), they agreed to just let him be. and pike would spend weeks on quests for sarenrae without much of a complaint. even at the end - and this will be a controversial take, i know - but they let vax go pretty easily. (sure, mechanically they were wiped from fighting, but besides tears the only attempt to defy trq was from percy, which even he gave up on with minimal struggle because vax said to stop it). that’s not to say they don’t miss each other when they’re gone! of course they do!!! but they trust each other to go off into the world, because the world as whole is a place they trust. 

(the one exception to this might be vex, who fought every one of these situations adamantly, but that’s a whole separate essay about her issues stemming from an innate sense of ‘failed family’ that she’s desperate to not repeat, and less about a mistrust of everyone until proven otherwise)

the nein on the other hand. hoo boy. they’ve been hot glued to each other’s hips since day one. So many quotes (many from beau, which could be worked into my previous vex essay, as they’re very much cross-campaign foils. getting sidetracked again) are about their inability to separate. “You don’t get to choose who cares about you”; “No one goes”; “If one of us is gone for more than 7 days assume we’re dead and have a funeral”; “Do we have co-dependecy issues?” Jester’s cool personal vacation to her god’s get together turned into a party with everyone because why would she go anywhere without the nein? Veth’s time with Luc and/or Yeza is constantly overrun with the rest of the nein dropping in for fun. Even small things like shopping trips are so much more “oh well if you’re going then i’ll go” snowballs than they ever were with vm. 

Also, ashley’s absences had to be much more forceful than in c1. Post episode 11, the only time yasha left the group (rather than someone else piloting her) of her own free will was when she ran in grief from molly’s grave. And yes, there’s something to be said about “oh they were on a boat for a long time she had nowhere to go” but if Matt can justify astral projection pike, i feel like he could justify ‘the stormlord teleports yasha away for a bit’ and he chose not to. 

Because!!!!!!!!! of the dynamic that the nein has!!!!!!!! Because of this idea that the world is bad and cold and full of hate and in here in our little hut (soon to be mansion??????) it’s safe and good and full of love and no one can leave because then you’d be going somewhere much more dangerous and we can’t have that, now can we? 

.....

well uh. that’s a lot of words. i hope they made some sense??? and were at all what you were expecting???? thank u for sending the ask tho this was very fun to write!!

tldr: vox machina is a group of people who were betrayed by one bad figure, so they trust the world and are wary of the individual; whereas the nein is a group of people who were failed by the world at large so they welcome the loner and fear the pack. 

[c-is-for-circinate]

The Mighty Nein have exactly three ways of dealing with enemies, and that is so fascinating to me.

Befriend.  Between Essek and Isharnai, this has been pretty front-and-center lately, but it’s not actually a recent development.  The M9 have been cozying up to potential threats and making nice as far back as Zadash, when they first discovered the Gentleman’s operations and then promptly decided to go to work for him.  It happens in Hupperdook, when they spend all day swearing bloody murder and hunting down the pickpockets who robbed them, and then promptly adopt four more children and nearly die getting their parents out of prison.  It happens in the Bright Queen’s throne room, when they walk into the innermost heart of the nation they’ve been told for fifty sessions is their enemy, and become heroes of the Dynasty.  There’s a tribe of giants who owe them their home and their gratitude and a band of no-longer-bandits who owe them their lives and their pants-wetting terror, because sometimes that is just how the M9 roll. There are so few people this party actually has a stake in killing.  Monsters, whatever, needs must, but like--who the hell are they to judge?  (The first monsters and enemies they ever made friends with, after all, were each other.)

All-out slaughter.  When the Nein do decide they really want to kill someone, they fucking go for the jugular.  True, murder is pretty standard in D&D, but the Nein often throw both caution and reason out the window when something hits their kill button.  This is almost everything about the pirate arc, starting that day in Nicodranas where they tried to talk threateningly to two guys and ended up committing domestic terrorism and then also murdering their way into ownership of a ship, ending that time they got kicked off Pirate Island in less than 24 hours because they decided to rend Avantika asunder the first instant they had the chance.  It’s their entire brief enmity with Lorenzo--they would not wait, they would not plan, they would not stop, and they would not under any circumstances, no matter what Matt wanted of planned, let him go. Hell, this is how ‘prank call Essek in the middle of a dinner party’ turned into ‘paralyze, kidnap, and interrogate’ in the first place.  This group does not do long games if they can possibly help it.

Absolute avoidance.  There are, sometimes, enemies the Nein dislike too much to befriend and aren’t strong enough to kill.  U’kotoa.  Trent Ikithon.  These opponents are relatively rare, because the Nein do absolutely everything player-ly possible to distance themselves from them at every opportunity.  Don’t want to unleash an immense immortal sea serpent?  Fuck just saying ‘no’, we’re headed to the opposite side of the continent from the ocean, and then we’re going to yeet that magic sword directly into a volcano for good measure.  You can’t threaten or blackmail me. This party is very, very good at avoidance on both a personal and collective level.  So much of the early game was built around getting the fuck away from the entire concept of war and law in general, once upon a time.  They have all of them stayed away from their own families, steering clear around Felderwin and Kamordah until they couldn’t any more, putting off visiting the Menagerie, sleeping on the boat instead of going back to Marion’s for one more night.  They run away from their own pasts and selves and inner demons.  They are not all entirely fond of mirrors.

The thing is, I’m always so fascinated by the moments when the party seems to surprise or vex Matt by derailing his plans, and while he’s generally so proud of them for it, what I’m thinking about tonight is his endless, futile attempts to give them a fucking nemesis already. I’m thinking about why it just keeps not working.  And I think it’s this!

This three-pronged approach to dealing with enemies, avoid-befriend-destroy, is basically a three-step guide to making sure you don’t have enemies any more.  In fact, I would say not-having-enemies-anymore is one of the highest priorities the M9 hold, and it has been, almost accidentally, since before the game even started.  The M9 have since the very beginning played what I can only describe as an extraordinarily defensive game.  They don’t go looking for trouble unless it’s specifically connected to some immediate threat to themselves or someone else.  The handful of mercenary contracts they’ve taken have almost universally been about, “hey, let’s do this thing for the Gentleman so he doesn’t decide to mistrust and kill us,” or, “let’s do this thing for the Gentleman so we can get the fuck out of town before they start conscripting to fight the Krynn Dynasty,” or, “hey, let’s do this thing for the Krynn Dynasty so they don’t decide to mistrust and kill us.”

And it’s not about trying to thwart Matt!  It’s about a party of characters who are all extremely defensive and avoidant in their own ways.  Some of it’s about the sheer trauma of everything to do with Molly, and some of it’s probably about the sheer trauma of everything to do with Vax and Raishan and Anna Ripley and every C1 mistake or villain that ever came back to haunt them, and some of it’s just baked into these new characters.  Everyone in this party is so fucking hurt and defensive before they even start.  The only thing that’s changed so far is the bit-by-bit careful broadening of their circle of ‘who to protect’ to include each other, and their friends, and maybe more or less half the world.

The one exception here is, of course, Obann, who has them on the ropes for almost 20 episodes--who they could not kill, and tried, and he had Yasha and they could not possibly join or befriend him, and he had Yasha and they could never forgive or ignore him, and he had Yasha and they could not kill him.  And the thing is, all I can remember right now is how painful so much of that arc was.  Everybody was so desperate.  Everybody was so miserable.  And still, and still, they could not think how to go around this problem any back way, could not recruit allies or head it off.  They could only just distract themselves with brief side quests in hopes that it might help them next time they hurled themselves head-first into trying all-out slaughter again, and again, and again.  It wasn’t like the Chroma Conclave.  They didn’t back out of the first desperate battle and decide to take the long way around on purpose, to measure and trick and evaluate and gather specific resources and plan.  They were so utterly lost.  They were so desperate.

I think that probably, Matt’s hope for Essek was indeed that he’d become the party’s long-term nemesis that Lorenzo and Avantika didn’t have the chance to be.  I think he was hoping the other night for Essek to get away and leave them all feeling suspicious and betrayed.  I think he was hoping a month or two ago that the M9 would head off away from the peace talks and never even find out about Essek until he tried to call in some of those favors for increasingly suspicious things or it all came back around to bite them in the ass.  I think he hoped for a very long time, maybe even a year ago when they met Essek in the first place, that this traitorous mole would become their Anna Ripley--the cold dark super-intelligent mirror to their own broken super-intelligent knifeblade of a friend, someone they could loathe and fear and despise and eventually, eventually destroy.

But the M9 don’t do nemeses if they have any way whatsoever to help it.  Good luck, Matt.  Pretty sure for this crew it is Trent Ikithon and U’kotoa and Tharizdun himself, and absolutely nobody else is big or bad enough for them to actually run up against for more than a single rematch, unless you get real fucking creative.

[pixiedoodlein]

10 days until school and I’m no more decided than I was a week ago. I flip flop ten times day about what might be best. A is sick of hearing me talk about it. He doesn’t disagree with my risk assessment but he is sick of talking about it.

It caused an issue with his friend, a friend who is his best friend and is unvaccinated and works in a jail. Months ago we told friend he could only visit (this place is their boyhood dream) once he’s vaccinated. Friend typically believes in science and is very health conscious but his gf is a moron Trump lover and her family the same and that’s who he’s been spending all his time with since this all started. When I asked friend why he’s not vaccinated he said he’s young & healthy, didn’t trust the vaccines, would do it when they got full fda approval. Plenty of young healthy people are dead of this. Anyway then I asked ok so what if you give it to someone who isn’t and dies, people incarcerated in the jail he works in and don’t have the luxury of social distancing, and he was like eh whatever. So yes friend is an asshole, but his best friend for decades, friend has always been kind of an asshole but has many redeeming qualities too. So we said no visit. But then in July when there was no covid here and no covid where he lives and we were blissfully living our covid free lives we loosened up and said he could visit with two negative tests. But then covid got bad again and when asshole friend contacted A the other day to say he took time off in late Sept to visit, A said sorry, it’s fully fda approved now you have no excuses not to vaccinate, we’re worried about our unvaccinated kids, and as of now you can’t visit but hey maybe if you get vaccinated and the numbers look better we can reassess in a month and you can come. Friend was a total dick about it, didn’t understand our point of view at all, stressed A about it, who was in a bad mood about it for days afterward.

Then there’s the neighbors. I had a chat with the kids and a chat with the mom. I framed it as we love them so much and I know they’re careful but I think we should all be more careful while the numbers are so rising (aka only outdoor hangouts) and we are careful but I’ve heard terrifying stories from doctor friends about kids and babies getting very sick, and they have a baby who I don’t want us to make sick, and she said she agreed. The kids have been pretty good about making the adjustment from constant sleepovers to playing outside but M keeps asking me “the kids need to pee are they allowed to use the bathroom, the kids are hungry are they allowed to come inside even for one minute for a snack,” and I feel like the villain (I’ve been saying yes to pee, snacks I’ll bring out). Everyone’s been understanding but nobody is getting what I mean when I say only outdoor socializing. All the kids keep asking me when I’ll take them to town again for ice cream, “but it’s outside” (um yeah but the car’s not), asking their mom to ask me for sleepovers even though they know what the answer will be. The other day they were playing in our yard then it started raining and they were like “we can’t walk home in the rain”- I don’t want them to walk home in the rain, but again the car is indoors!- so I drove them home (but made M stay at our house). They’re not my kids so I can’t make them wear masks and it feels like now I am in the position of being the mean parent who’s psycho about covid, which in a way I am, but it would help me to stick to my guns and feel okay about sticking to them if the government policies matched the severity of the situation, ie mask mandates in public places (instead of stores posting polite recommendations), vaccine mandates, virtual learning options, etc.

Which brings me to school. After selling M hard on real school, then I sold her hard on home school. She already “did” 3rd grade last year (as much as me teaching her in my pajamas counts as doing), but this district has an earlier cut off than the city, so she’s in 3rd grade again here. Which is fine by me- her birthday is the same day as the very late nyc cut off (12/31) and I hated that she was the absolute youngest. I used to beg the school to hold her back and they’d say “but why she’s doing so well!” not understanding that I was thinking ahead to the teen years. But anyway, despite her haphazard pj’d professor, she seemed to learn a lot last year so homeschool this year could basically be unschool. She’d traipse around the forest identifying birds and trees with A and her brother, reading for pleasure, and I’d spend an hour here and there reviewing some worksheets with her so she’d be on track when she starts real school after she gets vaccinated. She was into the idea, until she found out she and one of the neighbor kids are in the same class. Now she absolutely wants to go to real school, AND ride the school bus. The school bus part makes me very nervous. While there is now a school mask mandate (but will it be enforced? what are their lunch procedures, what % of teachers are vaccinated, what % of the older kids in the same building as the little kids are vaccinated, did they actually really update their ventilation system?) and a bus mask rule, it’s a long rural route (15 min drive or 45 min bus) and I have no faith that bus windows will be open and all riders will be masked the whole time.

So just tell her she can go to school but has to be driven by a parent, right? Not so simple. I was offered a job at a (somewhat, commuting distance) nearby nonprofit- an easy low stress job in a bastion of liberalism with very very nice smart coworkers, excellent work life balance, a writing job that sounds made for me, like the job description is exactly what I would put together if I were putting together my dream job (except the pay, which is half what I was making at a fancy DC nonprofit, but high for this area, and our housing cost is half so it should be fine if A can get away from little guy long enough to bring in some money too). It’s mostly remote but approx one day a week in the office and some days there will be things I need to attend out in the community (not necessarily our community, they serve the whole region). It won’t always be the same day in the office and the office is an hour away- so on those days A would have no car to get her to and from school, since I’d need to leave before school starts and get home after it’s done. So I guess we need to buy a new car? Aside from this issue we really don’t need a second car now, were planning to get one eventually, but not until A’s business has enough projects to justify the cost.

Despite its many demands/challenges/ stressors, home school is sounding easier to me at this point (especially because she already did this grade), except she WANTS to go to school. Someone talk me out of putting some lipstick and a pantsuit on her and taking her to get vaccinated. I know, I know: the 5-11 dosage is 1/3 of the 12-adult dosage. The doctors I’ve spoken to are split on this hypothetical kamikaze mission. The doctors I’ve spoken to are also split on me and A going to a pharmacy now for booster. It’s been almost 6 months since our 2nd dose. We do not have compromised immune systems. This county has way more doses than demand and I would feel better sending M to school (bus or not) if we had our boosters and she had a first dose- moral and scientific quandaries aside- because there is A LOT of covid here now, a lot of covid everywhere now, and I feel like we are returning to regular life at the time when we should be most hunkered down.

Which brings me to the data. Per capita there are as many known cases here as in nyc, except nyc has a 50% higher vax rate, much more mask usage, better medical system. People are not getting enough tests here, there is a higher positivity rate, and so I think the actual number of cases is much higher than the reported number of cases. It seems like, friends here and in the city and in the suburbs (I just broke up with a friend in the suburbs because she professes to be a good democrat but is hosting a bonafide super spreader event and vacationing in a place with 39% positivity and a collapsed health care system), are thinking of covid as something you catch from strangers- they wear masks in stores- but aren’t careful at all around close friends and family (so many extended family gatherings, so many, cousins and grandparents and half-siblings and aunts and uncles and whoever), when this is a disease that kills via the people you love most, the ones who’d never intentionally hurt you.

[vaxxy-the-raven]

I'm never gonna properly write for it, but I keep imagining this AU where Percy is an ex-gang member of Vecna's gang.

Maybe Percy killed someone important to Vecna or he stole money, idk, but he's on the run and shit comes back to bite him in the ass.

(This has been inspired by the song "You Can Run" by Adam Jones, btw, as I've had it on repeat for 2 days now)

So uh, here, I guess. Feel free to take this and make into something more solid -

Percy comes from a wealthy family that went into debt. To try and help his parents, Percy looks for work and finds himself being recruited into a gang ran by an intimidating man known only as Vecna.

Vecna's right hand woman, Delilah Briarwood, and her husband, Sylas Briarwood, take a quick likening to Percy and introduce him to their adoptive daughter, Anna.

Anna and Percy make fast friends, until one day Percy catches Anna betraying the gang's plans to another gang.

Percy confronts her alone, thinking he can handle it, but a fight breaks out and Anna gets shot in the abdomen.

Percy panics, trying to stop the bleeding, but Delilah walks in and all hell breaks out.

Percy has to run and he does, running faster than he ever has before in all his life.

He moves to a different city, laying low and doing odd jobs to keep himself afloat.

One day he runs into Keyleth, a young florist struggling to make ends meet, being harassed by some idiot. He defends her, quite publicly too, and is spotted by one of Vecna's many members.

And thus, Percy accidentally gets Keyleth targeted by Vecna's gang.

Cue Vax'ildan, Keyleth's boyfriend and also a former gang member (who also left on bad terms with his old boss) turned tattoo artist, chasing Percy down thinking he's put a hit out on Keyleth.

When he realises Percy's situation, tho, he feels like helping the poor bastard out. He knows what this is like.

Through this, Percy meets Vax's sister and an esteemed defence attorney, Vex'ahlia.

Soon, the men after Keyleth disappear mysteriously and things calm down for Percy.

Percy falls hard for Vex, fast, while she and Vax help him change his identity and disappear from Vecna's gaze.

Percy becomes a mechanic, becomes friends with the twins and Keyleth as well as his fellow mechanics, Grog, Tary and Pike, even with Pike's husband Scanlan.

Life gets really good;

Percy & Vex start dating, Vax & Keyleth get engaged and Taryon gets a boyfriend.

But then Percy slips up somehow, takes the wrong driver's license while out one day running errands and one of Vecna's spies see it, call it in.

Percy is followed home.

Then, during the night, Percy and Vex wake up to several armed intruders who don't seem to like Percy very much.

"Percy... Friends of yours?"

"Friends isn't the word I'd use."

Then Vecna swaggers in, grinning, baseball bat in hand.

Percy feels his world crashing down around him as he and Vex are manhandled out of bed to be tied up by Vecna's men.

"Percival, long time no see, it's been a while."

"I was hoping it'd stay that way, personally."

"Ahah, oh, dear Percival, quite the funnyman as always."

Then the baseball bat just narrowly misses Percy's face, crashing into the bed behind him instead, Vex screams.

"Don't mistake this as a social call, my friend, this is but business. No, you know exactly what I'm here for."

Vecna steps near Vex.

"Leave Vex out of this! It's me you want, not her!"

"Ah, but such a pretty thing, just like her brother... Would be a shame if anything happened to either of them, no? The boy just got engaged, didn't he?"

"Leave my brother out of this, you bastard!"

Vex's demand met only by laughter, her anger outweighing her fear.

Percy, shaking, terrified for his girlfriend and her twin, for all of their friends-

"What do you want?! I'll do whatever it is, just leave my family out of it!"

"Ah, ever the smart man, Perce! You took something of mine, however, so I must take something of yours... Insurance, to make sure you cooperate, you could say..."

"We don't have much in the way of money or valuables-"

"Ah, but I'm not after things of material value, Percy. No. I want you to have some... Motivation! You know... To do as I say, when I say?"

"Please, leave Vex out of this, I'm begging you!"

Percy, scared for his love, scared of what Vax would do if she got hurt because of him-

"Ah, but she's not it either, as I already have my insurance, Percival - Though, a matching set would fetch a far prettier price should you fail to live up to expectations, my boy."

"No! Leave Vax alone!"

"He killed my men, it's only fair I take him as punishment."

Percy hadn't know what Vax had done back then to save his sorry ass, but he feels sick knowing Vax did what he did because of him.

And hearing the devastation in Vex's voice is the final nail in Percy's coffin here, knowing Vax's life is in danger now.

"Alright! Alright! Whatever it is, I'll do it! Just please, don't hurt Vax! Or anyone else!"

Vecna laughs.

"A little late for that, your good friend put up quite the fight and my men may of had a little fun beating him down."

"You bastard! I'll kill you!"

"Oh, Vex'ahlia darling, I'd like to see you try, my girl."

"You fucking asshole!"

Percy, staring in horror at Vex as she hollers and shouts at Vecna, threatening the man.

Vex, furious and shaking, thrashing around to escape.

Vecna just keeps laughing.

"Maybe I'll keep the boy as my personal punching bag, or I could sell him to the highest bidder? What do you think?"

"I think you're making the biggest mistake of your life!"

"Or perhaps I can hand him to the Briarwoods, what do you think, Percy? Maybe that would take their minds off of you murdering their sweet Anna. Sylas has been wanting a pet to play with and Delilah could use another lab rat"

And Percy goes pale.

"She didn't make it?"

"What else is it did you think I meant by you taking something from me? The girl was smart and promising, Perce, the loss is felt."

"I didn't want to kill her, I swear! But she was up to something! I needed to know what it was!"

"Are you suggesting that a long standing and much trusted family member was planning on betraying her family and her gang? Oh, Percival..."

And Vecna shakes his head, tutting and sighing.

"I thought you were smarter than that."

"I'm telling the truth!"

Percy can't look at Vex right now, can't think of what she must be feeling right now.

Everything he's worked for, ruined in minutes.

"Well, in any case, you still owe me a favour... Unless you'd rather we just get this over with and I have Sylas execute the brother instead?"

"No!!"

And Percy balks.

"No! No! Leave him alone! I'll do whatever it is you want!"

"Good, because I really do like that boy, he has fire in him."

"Just... What is it? What must I do to make this go away?"

"I have a friend, a fellow by the name of Orthax, and he's been crossed by some folks... He needs them taken care of."

"You want me to become an assassin for you?"

Percy feels sick.

Vex is gaping in horror.

"It's just 8 people, Percy, and then this is all over."

"You can promise that?"

"I can guarantee it, my friend, and I never break promises."

"Who are they?"

"In due time, in due time... Now, we're going to untie you before we go, please don't do anything... Rash. I'd hate to have to kill you or your beloved, or her brother at that."

Percy and Vex tense, but stay quiet and let themselves be untied, staying still.

"Good, excellent. I'll leave the list on your dresser along with your new gun... Orthax made it just for you, be appreciative."

"Do I have a time limit?"

"Let's say... You have two weeks, then I'll give away the brother to either my best people or to the highest bidder - Depends on how I'm feeling on the day, you understand?"

"It'll be done before then, I can assure you that."

"So they all say, Percival."

And with that, Vecna and his men start to leave, but then Vecna pauses at the doorway.

"Oh, and, Percy? Don't trying running away again - I mean, I don't mind it, run all you like... But just remember, you can't hide. I'll always find you."

"Trust me, I'm aware."

"Good... Have a good night."

And with that, the couple are left kneeling on their bedroom floor, crying and shaking.

Percy stands first, heading for the list and weapon.

Vex stands next, sitting on their bed, fuming silently.

Then Percy gags and drops the list before running out.

"Perce?"

She gets up, swallowing.

Who did Percy have to murder just so Vax wouldn't be killed or whatever? How bad was it?

Who was to be killed in change for Vax's very life?

She bends down and picks the sheet of paper up, turning it over and reading the names;

Frederickstein de Rolo

Johanna de Klossowski

Julius de Rolo

Vesper de Rolo

Oliver de Rolo

Whitney de Rolo

Ludwig de Rolo

Cassandra de Rolo

[lulafia]

Percy, Vex and how they interact which each other’s insecurities

A thing I find very interesting about Vex and Percy is that they both have such self-worth issues? It manifests just very differently and there is just a level of recognition, a gentleness in how they interact with each other's insecurities and like a lot of quiet moments.

So let’s talk about just that:

I have seen a discussion once, about why, if Percy believed Ripley was far more dangerous than the Briarwoods, he didn't deal with her first? For me it makes sense, because all the names on the List, aside from Ripley’s, did something directly that led to his family being killed. The whole revenge thing in the Whitestone arc was for Percy’s family, it was about what they took from him, yes, but not in a sense that was done to Percy specifically. He is on a revenge trip because of the murder of his family with little to no regard of himself. He even says it in his goodbye letter.

“There was nothing I could’ve done to save my family, yet I still sold my soul in search of vengeance. Later I allowed Ripley to leave, knowing full well she was a greater threat to the world than the Briarwoods would ever be. I traded the world’s safety for the belief that I could murder my way to peace; that if I could be a greater horror, it would bring my family back.”

In that sense it makes sense that Ripley is on the bottom of Percy’s list. It’s implied that she hasn’t had  much to do with the actual killings, at least to Percy’s knowledge. For all we know she has tortured Percy for information and for Percy that’s not important, because she only did this to him as far as he knows. Because Percy doesn’t regard his life as much, he is always ready to just throw it out for the people he cares about. He continues to do it, when he signs the contract, when Vax insists that Percy does it rather than Tary. He sees this fit, doesn’t question it and just does it. Even at the end he would give his life up for Vex to get Vax back. There is Whitestone and legacy and family, which are very important for Percy, but Percy also writes about himself: “As to what must be done, I’d be content to be left in a ditch, my weapons and notes burnt and broken.” And Vex just brings out the best diamond she has when they do the ritual, because he is worth so much more to her and even if he doesn't know it just matters to her to show it. Percy gets the best diamond even if he thinks of himself as not deserving of that. 

When Vex says to him in episode 67 “You are a better man than you believe.” Percy says “Thank you. I accept that compliment. You as well, you are a better woman than you believe. Doesn’t feel good, does it? There you are.” Vex tells him: “No, it doesn’t. Shit.” I really like this moment between them, because there is a recognition, they exchange this smug and knowing look and they just understand? Like they know that the other one genuinely means it, but they cannot acknowledge that part for themselves. It doesn’t feel right for them and they have just such a quiet moment about it? And Percy just keeps reassuring Vex, like when he writes in his goodbye letter, there is just something about the way he writes: "Vex, you often remind me of myself and that is the highest of compliments.” 

About how he can see himself in a positive way when he can compare himself to her, because she is amazing. And he loves her so much. He also likes to tell her again how smart she is. 

They do it all the time, they tell the other what they are for them and how they see them and how much they value their relationship, but they rarely ever push it and demand that the other sees it too. Just a reassurance that maybe they can see it too someday, no pressure. Just telling them that they are worthy of love, affection and redemption. It's okay if they can't see it or believe it, yet. They are going to be there and tell them in all honesty what they are worth it, they just have each other's back. For example in episode 92, Percy says "You know, it's entirely possible that there'll be several creatures fighting over my body when I die, and my soul when I die, already." Vex just tells him "I'll be one of them." Without any hesitation. There is never any doubt in Vex's mind that he is not worth it or whatever Percy has himself convinced. She just says it, she will fight for him, no room for objection. An obviousness in the way she says it. It seems so small, but it's just a big thing!

And there is Vex, who just grew up with a shit father in a society that looked down at what she was. That met her with coldness and judgment and the feeling that she will never be good enough, despite how hard she tries they just wouldn't accept her. In their eyes she was always less and it hit her hard, it hit her so differently than Vax. (that is like a whole other discussion for another day, the differences in Vex and Vax and how they interact with each other and others) but Vex hides it well, because there is a part that thinks that they were right and that she doesn't deserve love and affection. She downplays her own feelings and how hurt she often is so much and she really doesn't want to bother other people.

So then in Syngorn when Vex is worked up about all the bad feelings and trauma that is connected to that place, and because Vex does stuff, she tries to polish her armour, when Percy comes in and they have the exchange and I know you all know it too

Vex: “Well, you come from money right?”

Percy: “Yes.”

Vex: ”Right, so do I look like I come from money?”

Percy: (laughs) “Honestly, dear, you're too happy to look like you come from money.”

Vex: (laughs) “I don't believe that.”

Percy: “No, it's a sure sign of it, is an abject misery, believe me. I can speak to it. You look too much like you, and you don't look enough like something you're supposed to be. If you feel the urge to deeply bullshit, I'd be happy to help you. It's not hard.”

Vex: ”No?”

Percy: “No. It is easy to pretend you come from money. You just have to be a bit of a shit and wear what everybody else is wearing. Does this have something to do with that city? It does, doesn't it. Who's there?” 

Vex: “Well, you know. Everyone. We were judged, growing up, and I don't look forward to seeing that again.”

Percy: (sighs) “Well.”

Vex: “It's not important.”

Percy: “Oh, I disagree. Dear, I think that if you're worried about them knowing whether or not you've made your money and made your fortune-- I don't think that's going to be the thing to earn their respect. I think you're better off, A, with the company that you keep, and B, with the fact that you're probably just better than most of them.”

Vex: (laughs)

Percy:”I've known a lot of people with money, and they are definitely not worth you. And besides, if they have something nice that makes you feel inferior, we can just take it.”

Vex: (laughs) “I like the way you think.”

Percy: “Well, and then they're just shit without anything, and then you're you with their stuff.”

It's one of the rare moments that Vex shows how hurt she is and allows someone else to have a glimpse of her insecurities. Vex doesn't think she is worth it, because growing up she was made to feel, constantly, that she is less than the shitty elves that treated her so badly. 

Like there is so much to talk about in this scene but for the sake of keeping it somewhat short, let's talk mainly about the bit at the end. 

Percy reassures Vex and doesn't dismiss how she wants to cope and reacts to the whole situation in telling her that he will happily go with whatever she plans. He also recognises that this isn't just about looking like you made it. He offers his view on her and tells her how much he values her judgment and her as a person. When he then says "… with the fact that you're probably just better than most of them." Vex's reaction is just to laugh and like deflect, because she herself doesn't believe it and Percy in the moment of realisation, what she does, emphasizes on his views of her and just shares how highly he thinks of her and cuts right to her insecurities. 

“I’ve known a lot of people with money, and they are definitely not worth you. And besides, if they have something nice that makes you feel inferior, we can just take it.” 

Just all of the first line. He then gives her a gentle out, when he offers that they can just take their stuff. Not a second later he emphasizes it again, when he says, the mood a bit more light “Well, and then they’re just shit without anything, and then you’re you with their stuff.” 

He values her so much and he wants her to know and hell, he wants everyone to know, how great she is and that's the thing he does, right? When he gives her the title in public, a token of affection, a love letter to how high he thinks of her and he gives her in that also a home, if she wants. Percy knows how she is, so he gives her something she has to earn and something that fits and he just gives her that, something to be a part of what means so much too him, because she means so much to him and he just gives her that, so there no doubt in the worth he sees in her. He would give her all, if it means that maybe it will help her see herself how he sees her. And there is just so much recognition and unshakeable love, affection, care and gentleness in general but also how they approach the other with their own trauma and issues and everything. And when Vex said at the end of episode 115 "You're a good person and you're not broken anymore. All right? We'll fill each other's gaps. We'll be the glue.” There is just this mutual understanding and love.

[larsisfrommars]

Campaign 2 Rewatch: Disparate Pieces

Wow the fucking puppet head chaos shit holy shit that was funny and dark! First instance of Matt Being Salty about Keen Mind of the campaign Hooraaaaaaaay.

Molly and Toya making me fucking cryyyyyy againnnn. Poor Toya oh my goddddd wow this is NOT okay, that’s just fuuuuuuucked oh noooooooo.

Molly is like “yes! You SHOULD feel bad” Tal really was like “Mom said it’s MY turn to be the party’s moral compass!” And then he WAS, with BOTH characters! “Yes everyone likes you, it’s very irritating” lol, Molly had crushes on Fjord AND Caleb and you can NOT change my mind.

“We like to be unsung heroes” “underground activists” WHYYYYY how are they right?! How the frick did they set the tone so quickly?! Awwww Nott “I’m very ugly for a halfling” GUYS, Sam played us like a goddamn fiddle what the fuck??? Oof Caleb too… dropping trauma hints allllll over the place.

“Sorry for choking you with my stick” god how far my Beau has come lmaoooooo. Poor Molly already being exhausted by these idiots, love it he’s like “I’m two fockin years old and I’m still wiser than the lot of you!”

Goddd I forgot when Caleb was way too nervous and unhappy to really apply his charisma Stat, that whole “I killed a man no I will not explain why even tho I’m trying to explain why because I have like 0 fuckin confidence” lmao. Level 2! (Oh my god I get why it’s not working! Vax is peeking through Caleb! Caleb is trying to be intimidating the way Vax is and it’s… not working lmao.

WAIT A MINUTE ARCHIVIST ZEENOTH?! HOLD THE FUCK UP!? Did he just not recognize Beau or did he just wanna watch her suffer? My bet was it was the later because he is a ✨prick✨. OH! He does notice her! B i t c h

Oooooh first Felderwin mention, also maaaaaan fuck Goblin racism (which Nott participated in for a long ass time to be fair). I hate Zeenoth but thank god he’s here otherwise these punks would probably still be in jail. OH SHIT DAIRON’S HERE! She didn’t say anything but still!

Yasha’s back! Tell a friend! I still don’t know what Gustav’s shady debt thing was I hope we find out in the campaign wrap up!

Now this is the REAL beginning! Hell yeah! My babies! They have NO idea what’s to come! Also Fjord making Yasha laugh 😊 wowww Molly “the days that you’re gonna have are the days that you’re gonna have.” It’s actually amazing to me how fitting so many of Molly’s lines were in the full context of the show.

Ooooh was that the first, “Sam helps Laura hide that she’s pregnant” move after everyone leaves the table for Beau’s thing?? Weird!

People I am 1000% okay with watching Beau treat like shit: Archivist Zeenoth that bitch. Also immediate crush on Dairon is a MOOD! Also super weird to watch Zeenoth compliment Beau knowing full well what he did to her. “Not everyone does what they do in this world for coin” EXCEPT U DID YOU FUCKING BITACH! HAHA!! Get him Dairon! Fuck Zeenoth! I loooooove you so MUCH Dairon! I love you SO MUCH!! Let’s get MARRIED?! Lmao

It is so WEIRD seeing how distrespectdul Beau was to Dairon initially! Oh shit! I understand why she didn’t trust them at the beginning maaaaan. Dairon is such a cool teacher! Aaand I didn’t realize just how early Beau/Marisha reveals the physical abuse thing! Maaaan this combat is making me FEEL THINGS! Beau baby you’ve come SO far! I love youuuuuu!!

God in hindsight it feels… so fucking GOOD to watch Zeenoth get the shit beaten out of him because he fucking deserves it. Get him! Get him Beau! Get that fuckin extract aspects and stunning strike! The world needs assholes! Fuck yeah!!! “Maybe one day you’ll find the corruption inside our own” and THEN SHE DID! O M F G

Fjord being like a proud older brother when he sees Beau looks beat to shit like “woah dude?! You good!? Bet you did something badass” guys, I love them and I’m going to miss Marisha and Travis sitting next to each other. Molly being wary of the Soul is good and On Brand but also not quite the right call lmao.

Nott and Caleb are always so goddamn precious I love them. God first successful charisma check Caleb makes this whole session is one about books lmao. Time for Caleb to take a baaaath! Huzzah! Oh my god, Nott, I am so glad you never changed but nothing will EVER be as feral as Nott in the bathhouse in this episode “I dump out the cucumber water and eat all the cucumbers” MOOD!

God, healing potions and drugs lmao. Little did they know this shit would help them defeat a baby faced monstrosity 100+ later 😂😂😂 blackmail! Drugs that ultimately only Beau will use! (Unless I think maybeFjord took some at one point I don’t remember?) Hooray!

Aww Nott giving Yasha the flowers befire she even knowing what that means for her and mostly out of fear. Maaaaan this is making me FEEL things aaaaaaagh! The PRESSED FLOWER BOOK! GUYSSSS. Yay mail fraud!

Awww I love that convo to between Caleb and Fjord. Fjord automatically protective of their most skittish party members, strategically to keep them from running off but also cuz he cares. Caleb being cautiously trusting and their low key agreement to herd this group of cats together. I love shit like soooo much!

[theroguequeenaniki]

Questions 2009 -> 2021

This is from my Facebook. It popped up on my memories page thing. I originally answered this in 2009 when I was 15, it’s now 2021 & and I am 27, so I’m gonna do it again. Leaving the original answers. Original answers will be italicized. Commentary on the original answers in parentheses & crossed out? Lol. (I’m not gonna tag anyone, but, like, I guess if you want to answer these random questions from Facebook 12 years ago, go ahead lol) 

Questions

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose people to tag. Don't forget to tag me so I can see your answers! To do this, copy this entire message, then go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, delete my answers, and type yours. Easy! Next, tag people that you think may enjoy this (in the right hand corner of the app). Click publish (at the bottom). Have fun! :) 1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? My cup with my Big Red in it The straw to my Kate Spade tumbler to drink my HEB Cola Lol.

2.Where was your profile picture taken? I got it off the internet. it's a random anime girl. My bedroom. 3.Can you play Guitar Hero? Never played it. Probably wouldn't be good at it. Not to good at video games. But I am good at Mario Cart, both 64 and the Wii. plus I'm good at some Sonic games. Still never played it. Idk if I’m any good at Mario Cart or the Sonic games anymore, I haven’t played either in years lol

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Doctor Who TikTok. My cats.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why? Umm, probably about 10:00 cause it took me forevor to get into bed. Uh..Past 4am. Lol. B/c my sleep schedule is fucked. I was in bed by 3am though, but I was playing games & watching TikToks on my phone. Lol.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Yes. I'd move to either New York or Sweden. I don’t know. Part of me says yes. But part of me says no..b/c even though Texas has it’s faults (a LOT of them), I cannot imagine living anywhere else long-term..

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? HAHA. Yeah right. I've never even been kissed! Still nope. I have been kissed though. He just didn’t kiss me under the fireworks the one NYE we spent together...

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Um, I think R, but D might also. D is accross Stasney from me and R is a couple blocks down (I don’t talk to these people much anymore & I’m not going to share their names on Tumblr) Uh. I think Maybe Raven? B/c they’re the only one who lives in the same city still. But, Sarah might technically be closer distance wise? Hold on. Ok, yeah, Sarah’s closer, even though she doesn’t live in this city anymore.

9. Do you believe exes can be friends? It all depends on the situation.(I totally stold M's answer but it's true) (I don’t talk to this person anymore & I’m not gonna share their name on Tumblr) I mean, yeah. Two of my best friends are each others exes and they’re still friends. I haven’t stayed friend with my ex, but, uh, he ghosted me so? Lol.

10. How do you feel about Dr. Pepper? I love it. I still love it. Lol.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? I can't remember. I don't think it was that long ago, I had a light cry on Saturday, but I don't remember the last time I cried really hard. When we got back from our trip in July. Had a full on breakdown that night. Overheated all weekend. Overwhelmed. Anxiety. It was not a very good vacation..I cry a lot though.

12. Who took your profile picture? I got it off of google. I did. 

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Umm, either myself, or one of my family members. Aside from myself. I think my dad, on his phone, b/c there was a cicada on his shoulder and he wanted to ask the family group chat if he could keep it. Lol. I take a LOT of pictures of cats though. Lol.

14. Was yesterday better than today? Hail yes! To much drama today! And I couldn't avoid it cause I was in the middle of it! (Oof, what drama was 15 yo Linda dealing with that she couldn’t avoid? Lol. I mean, I guess, Sophomore year was a bit full of drama lol) Anyway, I mean, they were pretty much the same. One wasn’t better than the other. One wasn’t worse than the other.

15. Can you live a day without TV? yeah. Now Music there is something I can't live without! Yep, Do it almost everyday. Sentiments about music remain the same. Lol.

16. Are you upset about anything? Yes. I'm annoyed about something and it's making me upset. (I assume this has something to do with the the drama mentioned earlier lol) Always. Anxiety & depression are a bitch. My rooms a mess & I can’t get myself to clean it. My shelves are still a mess.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? yeah. though i havent really had one yet. I mean, yeah. Even though I haven’t had one last, aside from friendships, but they’re worth it. 

18. Are you a bad influence? I hope not. If so, let me know.(again I took M's answer but it's true) Probably. Idk. Lol.

19. Night out or night in? Depends on what's going on and how I feel about it. Night in usually. I do like going out sometimes, but, like, to dinner. Maybe a movie or a show. But, you know, we’ve been in a panini press, the only thing I’ve been comfortable doing is going to dinner (fully vaxxed & masked). But I also prefer staying home anyway. (Like I usually just go to dinner with my family lol)

20. What items could you not go without during the day? my computer. my book. my journal and a pen. My phone. My journal (b/c I write in it every night, as a diary, 14yo Linda wrote stories). Uh. I didn’t take food or drinks into account in the og, so I won’t in those. But, yeah. My phone & journal. I can go a day without my laptop if I need to. (Went the whole trip in July without pulling it out, though maybe that’s not a good example since my anxiety on that trip was so high..) I want to say a book, but I’ve been in a massive reading slump so...I wish I read as much as 15yo Linda did..

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't remember. I think it was myself.(if you want to know, ask me in person) I honestly don’t know. I don’t remember the last time I was in a hospital. 

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? "Mrbobbybones:  wish ted would finally meet their mother already. geez. get to it. However, I see myself in that character more and more each episode." yeah. That's what it says. It's from Twitter. (Huh? and I can’t even go check b/c my inbox doesn’t go back to 2009 on Twitter?? (I haven’t had my account that long) Wait wait wait just remembered I used to get tweets to my phone as text messages lol)

Facebook messenger: “ Cool” From our group chat. Lol.

From actual text messages on my phone: “ heeey! Just put up the Tuesday PDS just for you  it’s a big one.” From Phillip Defranco’s text line Lol.

23. How do you feel about your life right now? I'm loving and hating it. but hey nobody gets out alive right? Uh..I mean. I’m alive. I have WiFi. Food. Family. I haven’t seen my friends in 2 years. (Minus Alex, b/c they were here in July to cat/house sit, but I saw them for like, one night..) There’s a lot that could be better. A lot that could be worse. 

24. Do you hate anyone? yes!!! Oof. I mean, kinda.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook Inbox, what would we find? some random conversations. most of my convos on her though have been in chat or through comments. Facebook Inbox is now Facebook Messenger. So you’ll find all my Facebook Messenger convos. Mostly our group chat. And side group chats for secret planning (birthdays & stuff). Plus other chats? Lol.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? I better! (excuse me miss 15yo Linda you absolutely could have passed a drug test you ALSO didn’t drink or smoke or take any drugs lol) Yeah. Absolutely. I don’t drink or smoke or take any drugs so, yeah? Lol.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? 

Yes. But I can't remember when... Yeah. Pretty sure. 

28. What song is stuck in your head? Gee by SNSD(Girls Generation) They're Korean. A few My Chemical Romance songs

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? EDWARD CULLEN! Joke! lol. No I don't know. If it was Edward, I'd call the cops. whoever it is though better have an explaination or they are gonna get hit in the head with my Book of Shadows. (Maybe I wouldn’t mind Edward at my window though? Lol.) Uh. My friends? Lol. Idk if I want anyone knocking on my window at 2am.

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? I don't know....... Uh. No? Idk. Most likely not gonna happen. 

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? I can't think of anything right now... Eat. Should probably clean my room.

32. Do you think too much or too little? Way to much! lol. Way way way too much

33. Do you smile a lot? i try to. I think I do. I get told that alot in Theater...

I think so

[waltwhitmansbeard]

go on, claim my heart: chapter thirty-five

see my masterpost for what came before this.

Keyleth wakes slowly, consciousness washing over her like the waves lapping at the shore. She is in a bed. There are blankets covering her. Soft yellow light is filtered by drawn curtains, casting a warm glow through her eyelids, which she opens to see, oh, she is in her bedroom, the one with Vax's things tucked into drawers beside hers, the one in which Vilya was conceived, the one that has always, always made her feel safe, even when a castle with towering walls and a battalion of armed guards could not.

She is alone, which does not make her feel safe at all. The other half of the bed is cold and perfectly made, as if it has not been slept in. She pushes herself up to sit, groggy and sore, and calls, "Vax?"

It takes but a moment for the door to swing in, and there is Nel, circles under her eyes but smiling, and there, in her arms, is Vilya, clearly bathed and cooing happily. "Good morning," Nel says, before looking towards the curtained windows. "Or, good afternoon, rather. You gave us all quite a fright."

Keyleth barely hears her speak, arms reaching out for Vilya. "Is she okay? Did they hurt her at all?"

"No, Your...no." Nel quickly shuffles around the bed to settle Vilya into Keyleth's arm and, oh, Keyleth can already feel the tears clawing their way up her throat. "She is underfed, as you'd assessed, but I am not at all worried that she will be at a healthy weight again in just a few days."

Keyleth immediately sets to feeding her, relieved when Vilya latches right away. If it is afternoon, as Nel has suggested, then she has been out for many hours indeed, though she remains so very exhausted. "Where is Vax?" she asks.

Nel takes a deep breath. "He...he has been at the temple to the Raven Queen for quite some time now. He...well. He said that he was going to...beg."

Oh. Yes. Keyleth remembers now. There is a hollowness in her chest, the size of a fist, but it is growing, rapidly expanding, and she can feel it consuming her, inch by inch. "Tell me what happened."

Nel perches carefully on the edge of the bed, sadness etched into each corner of her face. "It was just yesterday. He had been meeting with his advisors, hopeful for news about Vilya or you or Whitestone. According to those in the room, he'd been halfway through a sentence when he just...dropped."

Keyleth stares, unblinking, down at her hungry daughter. She remembers being young, perhaps six or seven, and asking her father what happened to his parents. Her grandfather died just this same way, one second alive, the next keeled over, dead. A bad heart, they'd said at the time, but the same couldn't be true of her father. No one's heart was truer, more stalwart than that of her father, the one who'd loved her longest and best.

Of course, what stress Keyleth has heaped upon him these past few years. A war in which her life was threatened to the point that she'd required personal guards. An attack on the road to Syngorn. A peace ball turned into a slaughter in which her hidden magical prowess caused a great deal of scandal. A peace treaty rewritten under the cover of darkness. A secret affair with a guard, which turned into a secret marriage. A pregnancy that nearly killed her. A granddaughter snatched in the middle of the night. A flight from the castle, her own safety thoughtlessly tossed aside in pursuit of her daughter's. So much stress, so much strife—it is little wonder that her father's heart gave out under the strain.

Her father is dead, and it is her fault.

Nel reaches up to rest a hand on Keyleth's arm. She barely feels it. "It is good that you came home when you did, Your Majesty." Nel winces, but the words feel dead in Keyleth's ears. "These past twenty-four hours or so have been such chaos, what with no one knowing where you were and the presence of the Vesran heir, not to mention Mistress Pike not being present to begin the funeral rites—"

"The Vesran heir." Individual words break through Keyleth's haze at different times, making Nel's thoughts difficult to follow. "What...?"

"Duke Vallen. He arrived, what, two days after you and the others left for Whitestone? You'll remember that Duchess Uvenda has been sick for some time—" She doesn't, but then, she hardly remembers her own name at the moment. "—and the young duke came to request a visit from the sovereign before her passing. Of course, he had no idea what turmoil he'd find here when he arrived, and that was before the sovereign..."

Keyleth can't feel anything, not the muscles in her face nor the winter air on her skin nor the hungry child at her breast. Words have ceased to hold meaning, and she stares ahead, unseeing, as silence takes over the little bedroom. Vilya soon finishes feeding, and Keyleth stiffly adjusts her clothes just as the front door to the cottage opens, and she looks up to see Vax appearing in the doorway, face and hair spotted with blood.

It is only upon seeing him, the despair and the sorrow on his face, that the haze that had clouded Keyleth's mind begins to fade, and the horrifying anguish creeps in. Her sight goes fuzzy with tears, her breath coming faster and faster as she can no longer keep the misery at arm's length. The first choked sob bubbles up, shocked and loud, and Nel reaches to scoop Vilya up just as Vax comes around to pull Keyleth into his arms. She buries herself against him, wailing into his chest as she falls apart, collapsing under the weight of the grief and the heartache and the bone-deep, excruciating pain of it all.

.

Percy has seen dead bodies before. Their recent sojourn to Whitestone aside, the night his family was slaughtered, he saw Oliver, Whitney, and Vesper's bodies, and of course, Cassandra died in his arms—or, at least, he thought she did. In his time here in Zephrah, he has attended a handful of funerals, each for aged nobles, and he paid his respects to their open caskets. After the massacre in Syngorn, he watched Pike interrogate several corpses, a truly singular experience that haunted his dreams for several weeks to come.

But this. This is different. An altar of sorts has been erected in the throne room, mere feet from the Seat of the Ashari, and atop it, dressed in resplendent robes the colors of the Ashari crest, lays Sovereign Korrin, his hands folded neatly over his chest, his eyes closed. From here, it looks as though he might merely be asleep, as if at any moment, a young girl with flaming red hair might run up, tug on his sleeve, and ask him to come read her and Percy a bedtime story.

He walks closer. His steps echo around the throne room. He is alone, having asked the guards tasked with watching over the body to give him a few minutes. There was an initial hesitation; no one ever really learned what place Percy had in the sovereign's life, least of all Percy. He looks down at the man who gave him a home, a sister, a title. Even in death, he still seems so tall, so regal.

"The story of my life is one of second chances. The most recent of these happened just a few hours ago, when the man who killed my family did the same to me, but the first happened when I was a boy. I should have died between Whitestone and here, and when I didn't, I should have been shuffled off into an orphanage, to be cared for by some tired godly women and forgotten about.

"But you saw in me...well, I cannot imagine what you saw in me. I hope you saw the man I still strive to become some day, a man of unwavering courage, a man steadfastly dedicated to his people and his family, a man who wishes to leave the world better than he found it. I hope that when it is my turn to join you among the ancestors, you will not look back on the fallen leaves of my time here and feel regret for the chance you took on me. I am a man of pride, but yours, I believe, is the pride I seek most of all."

Percy blinks rapidly, willing away the gathering wetness in his eyes. "I am also a man of my word, and the word I give you is this: I will protect your family, as large or small as it may be, until my last breath has left my body. There is no evil I will not commit in order to keep them safe, because your family is my family, and I hope I am not mistaken in thinking we share a ruthless desire to protect those we care about.

"Because you did not just give me a home when you welcomed me into this castle. You gave me a sister." Despite his best efforts, the first tear falls. "You gave me a father. I foolishly believed I had experienced all the parental loss I would ever experience, yet here I am, just as broken and scared and lost as I was the night my parents were taken from me. I learned so much about being a man from you, and I can only hope I learned enough to be the man that my family, your family, needs me to be."

He takes a step back from the table and bows, bending so low his glasses nearly slip off of his nose. He straightens back up. "I wish you a swift journey into whatever awaits us next. Please do not worry for your daughter and granddaughter. I promise you I—"

One of the doors to the throne room opens slowly with a sharp, eerie creak, and Percy falls silent. A vaguely familiar voice behind him says, "I apologize, I did not realize..."

"Please." Percy turns to see a short man with olive skin and dark, curly hair dressed in a sea foam green doublet. "Come in."

The man, whom Percy remembers meeting on a handful of occasions, is Duke Vallen of Vesrah. The duke, head bowed in deference, approaches slowly. "I did not mean to intrude on your time with the sovereign. I merely wished to pay my own respects before the formal funereal proceedings are to begin."

Percy hums. "I understand. How long have you been here?"

"Only a few days. Believe me, had I known what tragedy I was walking into, I'd never have imposed myself upon the Zephran court. I feel foolish for coming at all."

"And you came because of the Archduchess?"

The duke nods. "Yes. My grandmother, too, is not long for this world, and, well, you know how fond she and the sovereign are—were—of each other. I was hoping he'd be able to visit her in her final days. Now..." He sighs, looking at the sovereign's still body. "Was he ill, do you know?"

Ill? Korrin was strong, fit, capable. Percy can't remember him being ill a day in his life. "Hardly, though I know his own father died suddenly of a heart malady."

"Tragic." There are a few moments of silence, and then Vallen jolts as if struck by lightning. "The princesses! When I arrived, the sovereign filled me in on the most terrible news regarding the young princess. Do you know—"

"She is safe." Percy smiles, though he is quickly growing weary of this inquisitive duke's company. "She and her mother both. They are...convalescing together in the cottage on the south lawn."

The duke runs a relieved hand over his face. "Thank the gods. There is only so much tragedy this nation can be expected to endure at once." He sighs. "I believe I have taken up enough of your time, my lord. I shall take my leave." He sketches a small bow toward Percy, though he is technically of a higher station, and a deeper one toward the sovereign. As he leaves the throne room, Percy watches him, and though he cannot pinpoint any offensive or disagreeable content in their conversation, he still possesses a small, niggling feeling of unease about the duke, one he can neither explain nor ignore.

[ahnsael]

I haven’t mentioned this, but a coworker of mine came down with COVID a couple weeks ago.

And my emotions have been all over the place.

Obviously, I care about ANYONE who has suffered from the virus. Far too many have died.

But this is a day shift worker, and I was there on their last day at work before they were hospitalized, and heard them saying that they didn’t feel well. They were sent home. But...there were quite a few of us in close contact with them as this was happening.

I’m vaccinated, so I’m not TOO concerned for myself (and as it’s been two weeks now, I figure that if I was going to feel any ill-effects, then it probably would have happened by now.

But I live in a very anti-mask, anti-vax area (though a lot of my anti-vax coworkers have jumped to get the vaccine since this coworker was infected and a photo of them looking about 40 years older a VERY pale started circulating among the staff). So I wonder how many people were exposed.

But the response at work is “business as usual” with no contact tracing, no testing, no push to get vaccinated (this coworker asked for the vaccine after they contracted the virus, and doctors had to tell them “it’s too late -- you already have it”). We didn’t shut down and have employees quarantine or anything. That part is frustrating, because who knows how many this has been spread to?

And yet I’m still dealing with people who I call “maskholes” who do anything and everything they can to try to get around wearing a mask.We had two guests call the day shift manager a “mask Nazi” for asking them to put on a mask and he leaned in and told them “you just called a Jew a Nazi. That’s not going to work. Get out” (and yes, he is Jewish). They were speechless and left without a fight.

But all things considered, with the mask mandate back in place in our county, the fact that after all this time people STILL fight us over this is asinine.

No matter how we feel individually about the mandate, it’s our job to either enforce it or get fined over and over again because of the actions of others.

I mean, I get the mandate. I get the mask fatigue.

I get that people have had time to get vaccinated or choose not to, and there’s a small part of me that wasn’t to go all Darwinism on them -- survival of the fittest (but I also get that there are people who, based on age or other things, CANNOT get vaccinated, which makes it MORE important for those of us who CAN be vaccinated to do so to protect them).

I like my coworker a lot and am rooting for them, but they also made the decision not to get the vaccine (they WERE eligible), and while I spoke to them a couple days ago, and they seem to be the only person I know who looked like they looked and may recover (everyone else I’ve seen with that “COVID look” died),as they were in good spirits and said they’re getting better (but still in the hospital as of last I heard yesterday morning), it ticks me off that so many people have such a cavalier attitude towards this and act like WE’RE the bad guys for enforcing common sense that is mandated by the state and the Gaming Control Board and by OSHA.

We get fined if they don’t comply, but I’m tired of being the mask police, At this point, even with a coworker recovering (and thank goodness they are), I’m inclined to just let people make their choices and suffer the consequences of those choices..

[dustedmagazine]

Dust Volume 7, Number 5

Sarah Louise

A week or two before this Dust’s deadline, we got our first tour announcement by email in more than a year. It was the first of deluge, as live music looks to be coming back with a vengeance starting this summer and really picking up steam around September. Meanwhile, we celebrate our newly vaxxed (or for our Canadian correspondents half-vaxxed) status with tentative steps outside. Your editor had her first beer at a brew pub in mid-May, and it was stupendous. Also stupendous, the onslaught of new music, which has, if anything, accelerated. This month, contributors include all the regulars plus a few new people: Jennifer Kelly, Bill Meyer, Patrick Masterson, Ray Garraty, Tim Clarke, Andrew Forell, Ian Mathers, Bryon Hayes, Jonathan Shaw and Chris Liberato. Happy spring, happy normal and happy listening!

Amulets — Blooming (The Flenser)

Blooming by AMULETS

Like a lot of us, Portland-based noise artist Randall Taylor discovered the solace of long walks during the pandemic. His work, which has always used tape degradation to explore the intersection of time, loss and technology, shifted to incorporate another source of decay: the natural world. So, in opening salvo, “Blooming,” alongside blistering onslaughts of eroded guitar sound, it is possible to hear the sounds of a fertile garden — birds, insects, air movement. You can nearly smell the flowers and feel the sunshine on your skin. “The New Normal” explores sounds of creaking, friction-y word and metal, alongside pristine chimes of synthetic tone. It is uneasy, with skittering string-like squeaks and swoops, but also deeply meditative; it shifts from moment to moment from anxiety to provisional acceptance, much as we all did last year, staring out our windows. Overall, the tone is elegiac, gorgeous, but Randall does not hesitate to introduce dissonance. “Heaviest Weight” thunders with frayed bass tones, a weight and a threat in their subliminal pulse. The contrast between that ominous sound and purer, clearer layers of melody, makes for unsettling listening—are we at war or peace, happy or sad, agitated or calm? And yet, perhaps that’s the point, that the past year has been swirl of feelings, boredom alongside anxiety, hope lighting the corners of our listlessness, the smell of flowers pleasing but faintly reminiscent of funerals. Blooming decocts this mix into sound.

Jennifer Kelly

 Astute Palate — S-T (Petty Bunco)

Astute Palate by Astute Palate

Astute Palate is a hastily assembled group of rockers summoned to support David Nance in Philly on a date when he couldn’t bring the David Nance Band. Participants included Richie Records proprietor Richie Charles, Lantern’s Emily Robb, Writhing Squares/Purling Hiss/all around Philadelphia regular Daniel Provenzano on bass and, of course, Nance himself, all huddled together in Robb’s recording studio for a weekend together. None of this origin story does justice, however, to the pure liquid fire of this one-off musical collaboration, dominated by Nance’s viscous, distorted blues-inflected guitar wail, but knocked sideways by brute force drumming, wild hypnotic bass lines and the ritual incantation of Nance (and later Robb) singing. The long “Stall Out” does anything but, rampaging free-range in unbridled Crazy Horse/Allmans-style abandon for close to ten minutes without a single sputter. “A Little Proof” is somehow simultaneously heavier and more country, spinning out the soul-blues jams like a younger, unrulier cousin to MC5. “Treadin’ Schuylkill” gives Provenzano the spotlight, opening with a growling bass solo soon joined by heavy psych guitars (a nod, perhaps, to the illustrious locals in Bardo Pond). If Nance et. al. can pull stuff this fine out in a stray road warrior weekend, what are the rest of you doing with your lives?

Jennifer Kelly

 Axis: Sova — Fractal (God?)

Fractal - EP by Axis: Sova

Axis: Sova is a combo of three Chicago guys plus one drum machine, which had already been inactive for two or three seasons before the initial COVID lockdown. This digital EP is their way of clearing up some business that could no longer remain undone. The title tune, “Fractal USA,” is a remake of a song from the early days, when the “band” was Brett Sova’s solo project, to full-on, no your pants aren’t tight enough rock band. They just needed you to know about the evolution, you see, so go ahead, do some scissor kicks and gurn while they windmill away; you have enough money saved up from not seeing live music to pay the inevitable chiropractor bill. “Caramel” hypothesizes that a Cluster song that’s played twice as loud and twice as long is twice as good; not sure if I agree, but it’s still not bad at all. Maybe you got a little weird after a few months of putting on your best mask for your daily trip to see if the stimulus check was in the mailbox? The Brenda Ray-meets-Old Black mash up, “(Don’t Wanna Have That) Dream,” is proof that while you were alone, you weren’t alone. If you’ve made it this far, you don’t need to have the fourth track described, so let’s just say that it’s longer.

Bill Meyer

Mattie Barbier — Three Spaces (self-released)

three spaces by mattie barbier

While perhaps best known as half of the trombone-centric new music duo RAGE Thormbones, Mattie Barbier is a member of several other combos and a sonic researcher under their own name. Three Spaces, which is a single, album-length sound file, has the air of experimentation about it. “What do I do,” one can imagine Barbier asking themself, “when I can’t play with other people?” Make music at home, and out of what’s at home, is the obvious answer. But doing isn’t the only point here; the outcome also matters, and while what Barbier has accomplished with Three Spaces sounds quite different from the RAGE Thormbones live experience, it registers quite strongly. Barbier has combined long tones and melodic fragments played on euphonium, trombone and reed organ, that were recorded both inside and outside of their home. Carefully layered, the source material combines into a sound rather like a bell’s toll, which over the course of nearly 39 minutes swells and recedes, but never quite decays; it ends with an imposed rather than natural fade-out. The sound is as deep as it is expansive, inviting the listener to let themselves fall ever father into its realm.

Bill Meyer

 Beneath — On Tilt EP (Hemlock Recordings)

On Tilt EP by Beneath

One of the more pleasant surprises this year is the resuscitation of Untold’s Hemlock Recordings imprint. A vital voice in the post-dubstep fracas at the turn of the ‘10s thanks to releases from Hessle Audio’s Pearson Sound (when he was still Ramadanman) and Pangaea, James Blake, FaltyDL and Hodge to name but a handful, the label went dormant following a Ploy 12” in 2017 before the surprise announcement of Londoner Beneath’s On Tilt, which sounds every bit the sensible alliance in practice it looks on paper: These are low-end rumblers with irregular rhythms and spare melodic tics that worm their way into your brain in the best bone-humming fashion (see “Shambling” or “Lesser Circulation” for a good example). Who knows how long the return will last, but for a certain stripe of DMZ-damaged devotee and pretty much no one else, it’ll feel good to have some Hemlock in your life again. Tilt back, pour in.

Patrick Masterson

 Black Spirit— El Sueño De La Razón Produce Monstruos (Infinite Night Records)

More metal comes from South America than Spain, but these Europeans clear the high bar set by Latin America scenesters. The album’s title states that it was inspired by “El Sueño De La Razón Produce Monstruos.” That can testify both to lasting influence of Goya’s art and to the laziness of the current culture which seeks inspiration only from the most popular pictorial art of the past. The track “Ignorance and The Grotesque” perfectly captures the whole mood of the disc: it balances ignorant speeds, undecipherable vocals and grotesque parts with piano interludes and doom-ish atmosphere. It would be better without the grotesque, but that’s probably part of the baggage.

Ray Garraty

 Burial + Blackdown — Shock Power of Love EP (Keysound Recordings)

Shock Power of Love EP by Burial

You might worry, occasionally, that Burial was becoming a victim of diminishing returns. Here, as ever, he uses a narrow palette to create tracks that few can emulate. However, even though the music has its rewards, it doesn’t clear the very high bar that his previous work has set. Thus “Dark Gethsemane” rides a 4/4 beat, angelic murmurs, vinyl crackle and a tightly ratcheted build that morphs into a sermon led by the repeated invocation “We must shock this nation with the power of love.” As his vocal samples become more explicit, the mystery of his music fades. This is all promise and no real resolution. “Space Cadet’ likewise sounds both gorgeous and minor with its soul gospel refrain “Take Me Higher” over an old-school jungle beat. At six plus minutes it would have been enough. It continues another three with an almost cartoonish second movement that lacks the subtlety that characterizes Burial’s best work.

Andrew Forell 

  Colleen — The Tunnel and the Clearing (Thrill Jockey)

The Tunnel and the Clearing by Colleen

While COVID messed with most people’s lives, it was both an endgame and an opportunity for Cécile Schott, the Frenchwoman who records under the name Colleen. She was just coming out of a series of health and personal dislocations, which resulted in her being newly healthy but alone in a new town just as the lockdown came down. Clearly, this was not a time for half measures, so she selected an entirely new instrumental set-up and settled in to make a record that reflected what she’d been through. Out went the viola da gamba and melodica that have figured prominently on her last few albums; in came a Moog synthesizer, a Yamaha organ, a tape echo and a drum machine.  

Colleen’s voice, of course, remains the same. Airy and precise, her delivery doesn’t match the gravity of the experiences her songs describe. But that sense of remove is, perhaps, a reflection of one of adversity’s lessons; if you don’t stay stuck, you can wind up somewhere quite different. Between the keyboards’ cycling melodies and the drum machine’s fizzy beats, the music on The Tunnel and the Clearing imparts a sense of motion that carries her light voice along for the ride, dropping painful sentiments and letting them fall behind.

Bill Meyer  

 Current Joys — Voyager (Secretly Canadian)

Nick Rattigan has been releasing music under the name Current Joys since 2013, and Voyager is his latest offering. It’s a dramatic and often brilliant collection of songs, bringing to mind the urgent rhythmic drive of Spoon, the dour grandeur of The Cure and the unapologetic emotional heft of Bright Eyes or early Arcade Fire. On Voyager’s standout, “American Honey,” a simple strummed backing and Rattigan’s vocal delivery are potent enough, but it’s the string section that proves devastating, cycling around for multiple punches to the gut. While more stripped-back songs such as “Big Star” and “The Spirit or the Curse” offer some respite along the way, Voyager does prove a little unwieldy. With 16 tracks clocking in at nearly an hour, the album’s execution doesn’t quite live up to its ambition. The wonky tom-tom rhythms of “Breaking the Waves” are more distracting than interesting; a serviceable cover of Rowland S. Howard’s “Shivers” feels more like an acknowledgment of influence than a striking interpretation; and the combined six minutes of the two-part instrumental title track may have worked better as shorter interludes. Nevertheless, plenty of Voyager’s tracks demonstrate Rattigan’s knack for a raw, emotive indie-rock tune.

Tim Clarke

 Ducks Ltd — Get Bleak EP (Carpark Records)

Toronto duo Ducks Ltd celebrates signing to Carpark with an expanded re-release of their 2018 debut EP Get Bleak. The pair — Tom Mcgreevy on vocals, rhythm and bass guitars and Evan Lewis on lead guitar — bonded over a shared love of 1980s indie bands. Their intricately constructed guitar interplay carries the DNA of Postcard and C86 over meaty bass lines that evoke Mighty Mighty as much as Orange Juice and McCarthy. The sprightly music belies the miserablism of the lyrics that focus on FOMO, poor decisions, screen induced isolation, the corrosive impact of gentrification and gig economies. Mcgreevy and Lewis don’t wallow, however. Their jaunty jangle is a paean to the joys of jumping about and singing along with those new favorite songs that suddenly mean everything and will stick with you long after the world’s shit slopes your shoulders.

Andrew Forell

 Field Music — Flat White Moon (Memphis Industries)

It’s easy to take Field Music for granted. Since 2005, the Brewis brothers have been making smartly composed and tightly executed guitar pop with obvious debts to The Beatles and XTC, and all their albums have fallen somewhere along the continuum from good to great (my personal favorites are 2010’s Measure and 2012’s Plumb). Album number eight, Flat White Moon, features the usual balance between Peter’s more pensive, bittersweet numbers with greater focus on piano and strings, such as “Orion From the Street” and “When You Last Heard From Linda,” and David’s funkier, more staccato cuts, such as “No Pressure” and “I’m the One Who Wants to Be With You.” Twelve songs, 40 minutes, tunes for days — what’s not to love? If you’ve yet to get acquainted with Field Music, Flat White Moon is as good an introduction as any.

Tim Clarke 

 Gabby Fluke-Mogul/Jacob Felix Heule/Kanoko Nishi-Smith — Non-Dweller (Humbler)

non-dweller by gabby fluke-mogul, Jacob Felix Heule, & Kanoko Nishi-Smith

With Non-Dweller, we have a trio of Bay-Area improvisers who certainly do not reside in one place for very long. There is an agitated freneticism about their interactions here, the performers acting like electrons seeking to release energy and break out of orbit. Each player brings a unique collection of timbres to the party with their implement of choice. Heule is a percussionist by trade yet focuses on extended techniques — mainly friction-based — as he wrests an unholy wail from the maw of his bass drum. Fluke-Mogul’s violin sways between tone generator and noise source. Nishi-Smith is a classically trained pianist who here is bowing and plucking the koto, or Japanese zither. The trio spend most of their time in sparring mode, their energies unleashed with synchrony as if in an elaborate dance. It is clear they have collaborated before. Heule and Nishi-Smith have been at it for over a decade; Fluke-Mogul joined the party in 2019. The most gorgeous moments happen when all three players are focused on friction: Heule slides across his drum, Fluke-Mogul soars with their violin and Nishi-Smith gracefully bows her koto. The energy is focused and particles collide, creating waves of tone. The players wrestle intensity into submission, and the ensuing sonorities are unmissable.

Bryon Hayes

 FMB DZ — War Zone (Fast Money Boyz \ EMPIRE)

Ever since FMB DZ got shot and moved out of Detroit, he has continued to release angry music. (He may not be more productive after the assault, but he’s certainly not less so.) War Zone is his latest effort, along with The Gift 3 and Ape Season, and DZ is back in his paranoiac mode and ready for vengeance. That’s hardly unusual in this type of music but DZ stands out because he’s a bit angrier, a bit more pressing and a bit more gifted than the next man. He doesn’t outdo himself in this tape, but rather mostly follows the blueprint of Ape Season. The standout track is “Spin Again.”

Ray Garraty

 Ian M Fraser — Berserk (Superpang)

Berserk by Ian M Fraser

Ian M Fraser is kind enough to provide details about how he created and edited Berserk, although relatively few listeners are going to really know what “nonlinear feedback systems and waveset synthesis” are, let alone “sensormonitor primitives auditory perception software”. And fewer still will be able to focus on what that might mean while Berserk is actually playing, because the output of those programs and systems is immediately, viscerally clear. If a computer were actually capable of going rabid, feral, well, berserk, the human mind might imagine it sounds something like this. Over four shorter tracks and the relatively epic 8:26 of “The Cannibal,” Fraser either coaxes or allows (or both) his tools into the equivalent of something like what someone who knew very little about both genres might imagine is like a power electronics act playing free jazz or vice versa. It is absolutely viscerally thrilling (albeit probably easier to repeat at this length of 16 minutes than, say, 50) and will do the track the next time you feel like your brain needs a good hard scrub.

Ian Mathers 

  Human Failure — Crown on the Head of a King of Mud (Sentient Ruin Laboratories)

Crown on the Head of a King of Mud by Human Failure

It’s tough to figure out if the band’s name is meant specifically to apply to D. Cornejo (sole member of Human Failure) or to the general field of human failure, which grows ever more capacious. Whatever the intent, Human Failure makes thoroughly unlovable music, pitched somewhere on the continuum that runs from the primitivist death metal to stenchcore to harsh noise. This reviewer is especially fond (yep, somehow that’s the only word for it) of the title track of this 10” record: “Crown on the Head of a King of Mud” sloughs and slogs along for two minutes, sort of like one of the ripest zombies in Romero’s Day of the Dead (1985), wandering about and slowly falling to pieces in Florida’s tumid heat. Just as that last bit of flesh is poised to slide from bone, the song unexpectedly breaks into a run. Where is it going? What’s the rush? No one knows. Things eventually bottom out into “Disassembling Morality,” a static-and-distortion laden electronic interlude that might squeak and spark for a bit too long — but then “Your Hope Is a Noose” shambles into the frame. That zombie seems to have found some equally noisome and truculent friends. They djent and pogo around for a while, and the song has a lot more fun than seems called for by the band name. Cornejo might be pissed off by the myriad manmade disasters and outright catastrophes that burden the earthball (he’s sure angry as heck about something…). But the record ends up being sort of successful, if deafening, grinding, growling stench is on the agenda. All things considered, why wouldn’t it be?

Jonathan Shaw

 Insub Meta Orchestra — Ten / Sync (Insub)

Ten / Sync by INSUB META ORCHESTRA

Ten / Sync was recorded in September, 2020; not exactly lockdown time, but certainly not out of the pandemic woods. It’s no small task to keep any 50-strong orchestra going, let alone one devoted to experimental music. So, if you already have one, then having it perform during a pandemic is just another challenge among many. So, the Swiss-based orchestra assembled three groups of musicians, numbering 31 in all, and assembled their contributions during post-production. While this did not provide the social experience that IMO’s gatherings usually impart to participants, an outcome that just isn’t the same seems awfully representative of the time, right? And since one Insub Meta Orchestra subspeciality is making music that sounds like it was performed by many fewer players than were actually present, this collection of sustained chords concealing tiny actions and apparently disassembled passages is actually very representative of the ensemble’s music.

Bill Meyer

Amirtha Kidambi & Matteo Liberatore — Neutral Love (Astral Editions)

Neutral Love by Amirtha Kidambi & Matteo Liberatore

With her own group, the Elder Ones, and in Mary Halvorson’s Code Girl, singer Amirtha Kidambi shows how far you can take a song while still giving the meanings of words and the boundaries of form their dues. But Neutral Love, like her two tapes with Lea Bertucci, explores the territory outside the tower of song. The main structures for this improvised encounter with electric guitarist Matteo Liberatore seem to be a shared agreement to exclude certain options. Song form and overt displays of chops are right out; the patient manipulation of sounds is where it’s at. Liberatore opts mostly for swelling and subsiding resonations, while Kidambi spends a lot of time finding out what’s hiding at the back of her throat, drawing it out, and then tying it into elaborate shapes. Patient and eerie, these four tracks find a place adjacent to Charalambides at their most abstract, and make it their own.

Bill Meyer

 Kosmodemonic — Liminal Light (Transylvanian Recordings)

KOSMODEMONIC - LIMINAL LIGHT by KOSMODEMONIC

NYC outfit Kosmodemonic is among the recent wave of metal bands attempting to effect an organic-sounding synthesis of numerous subgenres: a slurry of sludge, a bit of black metal, a dose of doom, and a hit or two of the lysergic. When it works — as it does on a number of tracks on the band’s long new cassette Liminal Light — it’s an exciting sound. Songs like “Moirai” and “Broken Crown” manage to couple tuneful riffs, dirty tone and a muscular bottom end in ways that feel thumping, groovy and pretty weird. You’ll want to bump your butt around even as you’re looking for something to break. But the tape is pretty long, and the further afield Kosmodemonic gets from that mid-tempo groove, the more middling (and sometimes muddled) the material sounds. “With Majesty” can’t quite find its rhythmic footing in its more technical passages, and the song’s sludgier sections feel like compromises, rather than interesting maneuvers. But the record begins and finishes with really strong songs. Both “Drown in Drone” and “Unnaming Unlearning” embrace scale, letting their big riffs rip. When “Unnaming Unlearning” slips into complex sections of blackened and distorted dissonance, the drama surges. Formal experiment and manipulation of mood fold into each other. The song gets interesting, even as it’s reaching for a peak. And then it ends, suddenly, violently. It’s pretty good. Your impulse is to flip the tape and hear it again, which is just what Kosmodemonic wants you to do. Well played, dudes.

Jonathan Shaw

 Sarah Louise — Earth Bow (Self-Released)

Earth Bow by Sarah Louise

Asheville-based songwriter Sarah Louise wants to be your personal nature interpreter. The titles of her recordings, from her debut Field Guide through Deeper Woods and Nighttime Birds and Morning Stars are like planetary signposts pointing to a more intimate relationship with our planet as a living organism. With each successive release, her music has also become more and more organic sounding, culminating with Earth Bow, in which Louise herself is arms deep in humus, communing with birds and insects. Recordings of creation feature prominently; katydids, spring peeper frogs, a creek and various birds are credited as providing additional singing, augmenting the artist’s own mellifluous voice. For a recording in which the track titles and lyrics are focused on nature and Louise’s experiences therein, there are a lot of digital elements. Her 12-string guitar is prominent in places, but synths are everywhere: in the background, bouncing around like shooting stars, and mimicking the various fauna that they accompany. Yet the earthly and the machine-made are not juxtaposed, they are blended. The vocals, which center the recordings, tie both elements together nicely. Earth Bow is a tasty concoction, in which a variety of ingredients are married in botanical bliss.

Bryon Hayes

 Le Mav — “Supersonic (Feat. Tay Iwar)” (Immaculate Taste)

Nigeria’s alté scene has been bubbling for a couple of years now on the backs of guys like Odunsi (The Engine) and Santi, and Gabriel Obi bka Le Mav is no stranger to the fray, having produced Santi’s “Sparky,” Aylø and a recurring favorite of his, singer Tay Iwar. The two have already collaborated at length (for songs off Iwar’s debut album Gemini in 2019, as well as the entirety of last year’s Gold EP), so the comfort level here is established. It shows: Iwar’s smooth-as vocals match Le Mav’s breezy piano descent and gentle rhythmic shuffle in an easygoing song that matches anything you might hear coming from Miguel, Frank Ocean or the Sun-El Musician orbit. “If it feels right, touch the sky,” Iwar suggests early on. Well, don’t mind if I do.

Patrick Masterson

 Sugar Minott — “I Remember Mama” (Emotional Rescue)

I Remember Mama by Sugar Minott

At some point after Lincoln Barrington Minott had left Kingston and his early dancehall and lovers rock legacy with Studio One and Black Roots behind for cooler climates and the old world of London, he ran into producer Steve Parr at the Wackies offices. Story goes that the two decided to start up Sound Design Studio with the intent to record and mix for ads, film and music — but scant evidence of this idea exists beyond “I Remember Mama,” released on 7” and 12” in 1985 and reissued for the first time since via Stuart Leath and his long-trusted Emotional Rescue imprint. Parr does most of the work on the recording (Andy MacDonald shines on tenor sax and Paul Uden guitar in the original credits), but it’s all about the sweetness Sugar brings to the table: With backing from two accomplished performers in their own right, Janette Sewell and Shola Phillips, Minott’s naturally relaxed delivery shines through on this. “Sound Design” is a dubbier instrumental version that retains Sewell’s and Phillips’ vocals, and Dan Tyler (half of Idjut Boys) provides an even spacier, handclap-laden 11-minute remix, but while both variants are excellent, the boogie of the original is unassailable. Look for the vinyl to hit in July.

Patrick Masterson

 Jessica Ackerley — Morning/mourning (Cacophonous Revival)

Morning/mourning by Jessica Ackerley

It makes sense that Wendy Eisenberg wrote the liner notes to Morning/mourning, since they and Jessica Ackerley are bound by a shared commitment to string-craft. Both have a deep idiomatic foundation in jazz guitar, but neither is willing to be confined by what they’ve learned. In the case of Morning/mourning, that means that patiently paced ruminations upon Derek Bailey-like harmonics sit side by side with frantic but rigorously scripted forays that sound a bit like Jim Hall might if he input the contents of his French press intravenously. This album’s nine tracks observe passings and new beginnings, since Ackerley pulled the recording together while in quarantine, shortly before leaving Manhattan for Honolulu, and titled some of them in tribute to a pair of guitar teachers who were taken by 2020. But in their attention to tone, harmony, velocity and structure, these pieces, like Eisenberg’s records, speak as much to intellect as to emotion.

Bill Meyer

 Nadja & Disrotted — Split (Roman Numeral Records)

It makes a certain kind of sense for Nadja and Disrotted to tackle a split together; although both bands traffic in a particularly foreboding strain of doom metal, they also share a weird sort of comfort. There’s a sense more of horrible things happening around you than to you, like you’re in the eye of the storm or maybe in a bathysphere plunged to crushing depths. There is a precision to the menace, a measured quality to the noise. And they get there when they get there; as Dusted’s Jonathan Shaw pointed out in his review of Disrotted’s Cryongenics, “Pace seems to be the point.” This excellent split doesn’t shy away from these commonalities while still highlighting the distinct timbres of each act, with Nadja settling into and then returning to one of their indelibly titanic bass riffs throughout the 19-minute “From the Lips of a Ghost in the Shadow of a Unicorn's Dream” and Disrotted somehow conjuring the feeling of a massive structure corroding and collapsing on the 15-minute “Pastures for the Benighted”. When the latter slams to a half, one last hit echoing away, the listener may find themselves feeling equally relieved the onslaught is over and kind of missing both sides’ pulverizing embrace.

Ian Mathers 

 Nasimiyu — POTIONS (Figureight)

P O T I O N S by nasimiYu

Nasimiyu’s songs bounce and shimmy with complex rhythms, her background as a dancer and percussionist for Kabells and Sharkmuffin coming through in the intricate interplay of handclaps, breathy beat-boxing, rattling metal implements, all manner of drums and, not least, her lithe, twining vocal lines. “Watercolor” blossoms out of a burst of choral “la”s, each note allowed to flower briefly before behind cut off with a knife-edge; these are organic sounds shaped with mechanical precision. Against this background, Nasimiyu herself enters, her voice fluttery and syncopated, a bit like Neneh Cherry. The mix is full of separate elements, the backing vocals, a synthesizer working as a bass, handclaps, Nasimiyu’s singing, but the song remains light and translucent. “Feelings,” sings Nasimiyu, “I am in my feelings,” and so, for a moment, are we. Nasimiyu is half Kenyan and half Scandinavian-American, and you can hear a bit of East Africa in the surging sweetness of choral singing on “Immigrant Hustle.” But there’s a post-modern gloss over everything, as the singer brings in sonic elements from jazz, electronica, dance, pop and afro-beat. Yet however many layers are added, the sound remains bright and clear, a bead curtain of musical sensation whose elements click faintly as they brush together, but remain essentially separate.

Jennifer Kelly

 Carlos Niño & Friends — More Energy Fields, Current (International Anthem)

More Energy Fields, Current by Carlos Niño & Friends

Multi-instrumentalist and producer Carlos Niño latest album which straddles and largely crosses the line between spiritual jazz and new age ambience features friends from both worlds including Shabaka Hutchings, Jamael Dean, Dntel and Laraaji. Niño, who plays percussion and synthesizer, edited, mixed and produced the album from recordings made in 2019 and 2020 in a variety of settings. The results are largely low-key soundscapes designed to assist meditation on the fields and current of the title. Much evocation of the natural world, chiming eastern influenced percussion and layers of acoustic and synthetic keys that are lovely but tend to lull. It is the slightly disruptive reeds that prick the ears here, Aaron Hall’s plangent tenor on “Now the background is foreground,” Devin Daniels’ alto phrasing on “Together” and Hutchings’ expressive duet with Dean on “Please, wake up.”

Andrew Forell 

 Shane Parish — Disintegrated Satellites (Bandcamp subscription)

Disintegrated Satellites EP by Shane Parish

The normally ultra-productive Shane Parish didn’t put out a lot of music in 2020, and none of what did come out was recorded that year. It turns out that he was busy giving guitar lessons via zoom and moving from North Carolina to Georgia, but we’re well into a new year and he’s back in Bandcamp. This three tune EP doesn’t declare a new direction, of which Parish has had many, so much as an integration of his interests in American folk music and far Eastern tonalities. Simultaneously familiar and alien, but above all propulsive, it serves notice that the time for reflection has passed.

Bill Meyer 

 Séketxe — “Caixão de Luxo” (Chasing Dreams)

The thing that gets your attention about Séketxe is… well, everything: how many of them there are (i.e., how you can’t really tell who’s in the group and who isn’t), how they’re all propellant, a musical bottle rocket bursting out of your speakers, confrontationally in your face on camera — and how much fun it looks like they’re having. Somewhere out there beyond the reaches of kuduro and Mystikal lie the Angolan barks and rasps of this youthful sextet, who trade verses (and a soothing harmony drizzled right across the madness at around 1:40) among one another over an Eddy Tussa sample on a beat by producer about town Smash Midas. What are they on about? My Portuguese is nonexistent, let alone my Luandan slang, but even I can tell that title translates to “luxury casket.” Anyway, it’s bonkers and if you’re looking for a jolt your morning joe doesn’t deliver anymore, Séketxe oughta do it. You’ll never catch me thanking an algorithm, but I guess it’s true the maths can serve it up right every once in a while. Séketxe is the proof.

Patrick Masterson 

 Tōth — You and Me and Everything (Northern Spy)

You And Me And Everything by Tōth

The title of Alex Toth’s solo debut, Practice Magic and Seek Professional Help When Necessary, alludes to his belief in music as therapy — that there’s an alchemy in the process, yet one that can’t necessarily be depended on to pull you out of an emotional hole when that hole gets too deep. On his new album, You and Me and Everything, all of his recent personal struggles are out in the open. There’s the tale of when he was so fucked up he couldn’t play trumpet at a family funeral (“Turnaround (Cocaine Song)”); there’s leaning on songwriting as a means to process the pain of heartbreak (“Guitars are Better Than Synthesizers for Writing Through Hard Times”); and there’s his ongoing battle with anxiety (“Butterflies”). While such heavy emotional terrain could prove hard-going, Toth approaches everything with a playfulness, a lightness of touch and a gentle haze to the production. Plus, he gets a helping hand from Jenn Wasner (Wye Oak, Flock of Dimes), who lends backing vocals to standout “Daffadowndilly,” which taps into the woozy gorgeousness of prime Robert Wyatt.

Tim Clarke 

 Mara Winter — Rise, follow (Discreet Editions)

Rise, follow by Mara Winter

For people with busy performance schedules, 2020 posed a problem; how do you stay busy and creative when you can’t do what you usually do? Mara Winter, an American-born, Swiss-based flute player who specializes in Renaissance-era repertoire and instruments, used it to forge a new creative identity. In partnership with experimental composer and multi-instrumentalist Clara de Asís, she began exploring the commonalities between early, composed music and contemporary approaches and developed a platform to disseminate documents of that research into the world. Rise, follow, the inaugural release of Discreet Editions, is an hour-long piece for two Renaissance-style bass flutes played by Winter and Johanna Bartz. The two musicians played long, overlapping tones with contrast attacks, pushing on until they grew so tired from hefting those woodwinds that they just couldn’t play anymore. Effectively the performance unit is a trio, since the two musicians had to accommodate or collaborate with the reverberant acoustics of Basel’s Kartäuserkirche. The church’s echo threw sounds back at the player, turning pure tones into blurred timbres. While the instrumentation is antique, the ideas about sound combination and endurance have more to do with Morton Feldman, Phill Niblock and Aíne O’Dwyer. The result is music that is simultaneously meditative and as heavy as a bench-pressing competition.

Bill Meyer

 Wurld Series — What’s Growing (Melted Ice Cream)

What's Growing by Wurld Series

Some reviewers of What’s Growing, the second album by New Zealand’s Wurld Series, have managed to avoid making Pavement comparisons, but it’s hard to fathom their restraint. Brief opener “Harvester” feels like you’re being dropped mid-solo into a random Wowee Zowee track; the guitar tone on lead single “Nap Gate,” on the other hand, sounds like it's nicked straight from Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain. And while singer/guitarist Luke Towart doesn’t attempt to match Malkmus’ flamboyance in the vocal delivery department, their voices and wry lyrical observations bear a distinct resemblance to one another. “Caught beneath a dull blade / What a mess that would make” he sings on “Distant Business” before the song reaches its finale where guitar solos blast off from atop other guitar solos in an array of complementary textures. But besides being a ridiculously fun guitar pop record, What’s Growing is also threaded through with a British psych folk vibe replete with Mellotron flute — and the two styles blend seamlessly together thanks to Towart’s partner in crime, producer/drummer Brian Feary (Salad Boys, Dance Asthmatics). So, whether you're looking for a great summer indie rock record or you’ve ever wondered what the Fab Five from Stockton might’ve sounded like if they’d stuck to short songs and had more flutes, this one’s for you.

Chris Liberato

[enkelimagnus]

A Castle in the Forest

Percy x Vex’ahlia, Chapter 7, 3038 words,

A Modern AU, in which Vex is a park ranger taking over the Alabaster Sierras post, and finds much more than she bargained for

Read on AO3

Vax makes it to Whitestone....

-----------------

Vax makes it to the cabin on a rainy afternoon. Vex is busy sketching out some areas she thinks need clearer trail markers and deciding where to implant emergency contact boxes, when she hears an engine running and a vehicle getting closer to the cabin.

She peeks from the window, her eyes catching the gleaming metal of her brother’s motorcycle. She immediately bolts from her seat at the table, startling a napping Trinket, and opens the door. She runs down the stairs and into her brother’s arms.

He’s just had time to take off his helmet, long dark hair held in a low ponytail for the road. She hugs him tightly, his leather motorcycle jacket smelling like hide and patchouli. She’s missed everything about him.

For a while, they stand there, hugging each other. There’s no one around and no use in pretending they don’t love each other right now. It’s been much too long. Vex remembers when a single day without him was torture. Now it’s usual. That saddens her somewhat.

“Welcome to Whitestone,” she grins. “How was the road?”

“Dreadful,” Vax rolls his eyes and grabs his bag, letting go of her to start walking back into the cabin, away from the rain and the cold. “This place is… ghostly, really.”

Vex huffs. “It’s not that bad, come on,” she mumbles. He’s right though.

Whitestone, especially in the sort of rain that’s currently falling, is ghostly. White stone walls and overturned ship-like buildings, with people that stare at strangers like they’re time-ticking bombs… Ghostly. In the time she’s spent here, she’s only started seeing the shadows and the phantoms.

“Is that the little munchkin you’ve called your Trinket?” Vax asks as Vex closes the door of the cabin after him.

He puts his back down next to the bed, heavy boots walking carefully towards Trinket. She’s put him in his crate so he would get used to Vax’s presence without threatening him, or himself.

“Yup,” she nods. “He’s young, but… he could be a good companion,” she points out, her voice as innocent as possible.

Vax looks up at her. “You’re taking on a companion?” He asks, with a raised eyebrow. He thought she never wanted to, especially after Saundor. That’s what she’s told him many times, after all. No companion, she’s not bringing something innocent into this, she’s better off being a hunter. Alone and fixated on one enemy. Dragons were her original choice. Fey her second. She doesn’t want the permanence of companionship… At least she didn’t. Before Trinket.

“I’m not sure yet,” Vex shrugs, trying to escape his gaze. “But… I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and he’s perfect. He’s going to grow big and strong, and protective. And he’s… I’ve grown attached to him.”

Vax shrugs off his jacket and sits down at one of the chairs, looking around the cabin. His eyes glide across the small kitchen, the bed, the fireplace, the ladder up to the lookout and the door to the bathroom. He hums.

“This is… cozy,” he points out.

Vex chuckles. “Very different where you spent the last few days, I imagine?” She asks teasingly.

“You’re a ranger, not a sorcerer with an amazing business,” Vax points out. “I am not expecting the same thing.” He shrugs. “Besides, this is nice. Warm and comfortable.”

His eyes fall on her again and she feels the scrutiny in them. She can’t hide a single thing from him. She was never able to.

“You look… tired, but good,” he says after a moment. “I’m guessing you resolved a problem, recently? You have that… satisfied smug look on you. But not the one from right after it. The couple-days-old one.”

Vex rolls her eyes at him but doesn’t deny it. It’s not worth the trouble. “We had a barbed devil. Killed one for sure, the ranger here before me. Probably more. I had sensed it a while ago, but… I had trouble finding help.”

Vax raises an eyebrow and Vex proceeds to give him the rundown on everything that has happened, on the people of Whitestone and their lack of wanting to talk to her, on Pike and Grog.

“Gilmore tried to contact the local rulers to get a teleportation circle added to the city,” Vax explains once she’s done. “He didn’t manage to find anyone. There are no rulers in Whitestone, as far as anyone knows.”

“It seems they all died in a horrific massacre a few years ago. It’s impossible to get anyone to give me details about it,” Vex shrugs. “But why is Gilmore that interested in Whitestone? There’s nothing for him here.”

Vax chuckles, crossing his legs. “You live here. I like to come and see you.” His smirk is telling.

Vex chuckles back. “I see… He loves to dote on you, doesn’t he?”

“What can I say?” Vax shrugs. “I deserve it.”

Vex absolutely agrees with that. She appreciates Gilmore for many things, but the most important is how he treats her brother. He might be the very first person to take care of Vax the way he deserves, to spoil him. And he’s the first person that Vax doesn’t stop from spoiling him.

He’s had powerful lovers before, in Syngorn or in other places. Vax is handsome and charming in his own grumpy way, and Vex knows first-hand how sometimes, the disgust Syngornians showed towards the two of them could easily turn into sexual curiosity. But Gilmore doesn’t want Vax because he’s a dirty half-human. And that changes everything, including Vex’s appreciation of the man.

“You sure do, brother,” Vex hums and turns to pour them both a cup of coffee. “I’m afraid there isn’t much for you to do here. You can potentially make nice with the people in town and snoop for me?” She asks.

“Is that why you asked me to come?” he answers. “To spy for you the information you can’t get?”

“I asked you here because I missed you,” Vex stares at him. “And I don’t like being away from you for too long. But if you can… Ask a few questions while you’re here, I’d appreciate it greatly.”

“Fine,” Vax shrugs. “But first, I need a lay of the land. Any information you haven’t given me yet. And an idea of whether some of the wealth around here could be redistributed to the people. No rulers means there’s probably chests of gold and jewels some of these folks could use.”

“Two temples. The one of Pelor is in the cemetery, outside of town. They don’t seem to have anything you’d want, but they might have some ideas of who the richest families used to be. I saw some pretty impressive mausoleums around there,” Vex starts. “The second one is in town. Temple to Erathis. I’ve heard about some empty noble houses, and there’s the castle, but it’s been years. I think all of the possible left behind wealth was promptly redistributed already.”

Vax raises an eyebrow, but says nothing, deep in thought.

They stay like this for a moment until Vex huffs and stands up. “Come on,” she smiles. “Let’s go into town and get some supplies. They’re announcing snow later this week and we need enough to be able to survive out here for a while.”

Vax rolls his eyes but stands up, grabbing his coat. Vex gets ready to go as well, thick coat, quiver and bow and the keys to the truck. She pets Trinket goodbye and they get into the truck, starting the drive down.

The heating is on in the cabin of the car and Vax waits about two minutes before turning on the radio. He hums under his breath the pop songs that blast out of the speaker, letting go of his grumpy goth image for once. She’ll never tell anyone that he knows the lyrics to Brit Nayspears’ entire discography.

She points out some trails as they drive past, things that have been causing her issues, the campsite that will hold the local wilderness survival adventure once summer comes around. Winter months are much calmer for rangers than summer ones are, but she’s still looking forward to seeing what the sun looks like reflected off of the Alabaster Sierras peaks.

Vax seems interested. He always does. He listens to her and that’s one of the best things about him. They end up dueting over some song on the radio, at first only humming and mumbling the words. By the time they drive through the city gates, they are scream-singing. Vex can’t stop smiling.

The cold bites as they slam the doors shut and walk away from the previously heated cabin of the truck. They’re not the only ones out for supplies. There are other trucks with crates and bags in the parking lot.

The covered market stands two blocks from the parking lot. Its roof is like an enormous overturned ship and white stones rise from the ground to meet the wood, providing a tall and breathable marketplace underneath. It’s cold still, there’s no use in trying to heat the entire volume of the building. It would only waste spell and components, or wood if they were trying to do it magicless.

They start going through the stalls, grabbing a lot of root vegetables and things that will not perish too fast. If they’re stuck in the snow, Vex is hoping to have a few days of fresh and non-canned food before they have to resort to the cans, but she knows it’s not that easy.

For the meat, she’ll go hunting. There’s no need to bother herself with purchasing beef or anything of that nature. Her freezer can hold at least one deer carcass. She’s measured it. It’s not really a surprise, anyway. The cabin was built as a safe haven for long winters and snow falls. There’s a couple of emergency mattresses rolled up under her bed, enough to allow a couple of people to sleep, albeit uncomfortably, if they’re stuck with her during a storm. It’s a refuge. And a refuge can hold at least one deer carcass.

“Do I really have to carry all of this?” Vax whines as she places a small cart over his arms.

“If you weren’t here, I’d need half of this. So you’re gonna pull your weight,” Vex shrugs.

Vax rolls his eyes. “You invited me, remember?” He calls out as she walks over to get some more potatoes. Neither of them really mean the bickering, but it feels good to do it.

There’s a light chuckle behind him and he turns around, trying not to spill over the contents of the carts he’s carrying. A few feet from him stands a young person with dark brown hair that shifts to white streaks around the temple. They’re watching him with quiet amusement.

“Older sibling?” They ask with a smile and a raised eyebrow. They look tired, and the smile is a little shaky.

“Twin, actually,” Vax replies. “She’s the ranger for the Alabaster Sierras outpost. I’m visiting,” he explains quickly. “Vax’ildan. Would shake your hand but…”

They nod. “Your hands are busy, I get it. I’m Cassandra. Whitestone native. And I know what siblings can be like.” Their eyes are sad.

Vax tries to keep an inviting and smiling face, but it’s not exactly natural to him. He’s not used to this. Out of the two of them, Vex is the charming and open one. She’s the one that gets information, food, good prices and extra help from strangers.

“So you’re the person to ask if I want to know what to do around here in the winter months?” He asks, trying to add a bit of a flirty undertone to his voice.

Cassandra chuckles. “I don’t know. I’m not really a tourist guide, but… The trails can be fun in winter if you’re into cold hikes. Your sister can probably be more helpful than me for this,” they point out. The flirting does not seem to be landing.

“You’re probably right,” Vax shrugs. “I was just… I did some research before coming here, but there’s so little information about this town online…” He explains. “There’s a website, but it hasn’t been updated in what? Five years?”

He’s not lying. The only updated information comes from the TWC website that he knows Vex is somewhat responsible for keeping up to date. The rest is at least five years old. It’s as if the town has stopped evolving and living since then.

Cassandra stiffens slightly. “That’s weird,” they mutter. For some reason, Vax doesn’t believe that it is very weird to them.

“Is there anyone to talk to about that? Like a heritage association or a city council or something?” Vax is trying to fish for information, and hopefully it’s not too obvious.

“No,” Cassandra shakes their head. “There’s no one like that. Whitestone is not… This is not a good city for mass tourism, it’s not a good city for outsiders.” Their jaw is set. “You won’t find anyone to help you, and I’m sorry. But that’s just how it’s been for the last few years.”

“Since the massacre, right? The De Rolo massacre?” Vax pushes a little. “Vex, my sister, told me about it.”

Those words make something ripple underneath Cassandra’s dark eyes, pain and sadness and many other emotions that make Vax feel like he’s just kicked a hornet’s nest. If they were closed off to talking before, they’re now screwed shut, lips tight, ready to flee. And flee they do.

Cassandra takes a step back, shoving their hands into the pockets of their blue coat with uncomfortable determination. It all screams of a deep desire to escape. “Listen, I have to go. It was nice to meet you, Vax’ildan. Good luck with your stay in Whitestone.” They say before sliding away in a hurry.

Vax doesn’t go after them. There’s one thing he knows, and that’s not to run after people who are trying to escape you. He’s been through enough situations where the roles were reversed, and he doesn’t want to be a threat. He’s here to be a charming, smiling person, to get information from people for Vex.

And fuck. He just failed miserably at his first attempt. That entire interaction was a mess and Vax really thought he would be better than this. But Vex wasn’t exaggerating when she talked about the closed offness of the inhabitants of Whitestone. And maybe he'd overestimated his own charming abilities.

Vex comes back eventually, raising an eyebrow at his slightly frustrated face. “Something happened?” She asks curiously.

“I was talking to this person. Cassandra, they said? Dark hair, white streaks around the temples,” he describes.

“I’ve seen them a couple of times before, around some of the temples,” Vex points out. “The one time we talked, they seemed to be in a hurry.”

So that’s a common attitude then, not just something he’s caused. That’s a little bit of a consolation. He recounts the conversation to Vex as they start walking out of the covered market to put their haul into the back of the truck. They have a couple more things to do in town.

Snow starts falling lightly while they’re on the drive back. Vax takes the time to call Gilmore for a few minutes, unsure of whether his cell will have service back at the cabin if there’s snow covering the Alabaster Sierras.

Vex keeps her eyes open the entire trip through town for red hair and antlers. She worries about Keyleth. If she was close to the fiend, as Vex suspected, she is probably not doing good at the moment. She doesn’t know exactly the depths of enthrallment, and how far it changes someone to care for fiends. She hopes it’s not deep enough that the druid is now broken with grief.

But she is nowhere to be seen. Vax hangs up on Gilmore as they turn off of the biggest road and up the mud path that leads to the cabin. There’s a good ten minutes of drive left, maybe even more with the growing wetness of the ground. They’re going to be very thankful for both the fire and the supplies. Vex is glad she decided to go today.

“So what do you think of Whitestone, now that you’ve experienced some of it?” She asks, eyes darting for barely a second to Vax on the passenger seat. He’s looking at the snow like its falling is a personal offence.

“The people are… lovely,” he starts. “But there’s something not quite right in the air. I…” He looks over at her for a moment before looking away. “I admit I thought you were a little paranoid when you were telling me about it.”

Vex’s jaw tightens and she nods slightly, a controlled, small motion.

“You don’t have a great track record at being alone in the woods,” he points out. “You’re doing much better than the last time though. And I can see what you meant, about the heaviness hanging over the city. About the unsaid horrors. That… de Rolo massacre story. That Cassandra person looked quite spooked.”

Vax breathes out as the cabin comes into view at the end of the path. “I’m gonna stay for a little while, if you don’t mind. I don’t like leaving you alone like this, especially with this whole mystery.”

Anger lurches in Vex’s chest for a second, her vision tunnelling, her hands tightening their grip on the wheel. She can handle herself. She doesn’t need Vax to save her again, she’s not going to make the same mistake again. For a moment, it’s all she can think. How dare he come to her rescue again when she doesn’t need him?

But she does need him. Not to save her. But she needs him around. She doesn’t do great without him, they’re a team in all the ways that matter. Having him here right now is the best she’s felt since she arrived. It’s hard for her to reconcile with that anger at his worry but…

She gives him a small smile. “It’ll be nice. Close-quartered but nice.” She nods and parks the truck in front of the cabin.