#very proud of them for finding a positive coping mechanism

[risingblackmoon]

I don't know if this has been talked about yet but!!! The drawings in the daycare are pretty interesting!! There's two specific ones I wanted to talk about for now, but maybe if I could find a full compilation of the drawings I'd have more thoughts. I also wanted to talk about the plushie teaparty! Brace yourselves, this is going to be a very long, very messy post. I'm sorry in advance (if you choose to read it, of course).

(Also everyone say hi to Dawko. Hello Dawko.)

The drawing in the top left is VERY interesting to me. INCREDIBLY SO. Now, at first I thought the glitter glue represented who drew what, but I'm starting to think that might not be the case based on other drawings. Nonetheless, this piece was clearly drawn by Moon, or he at least contributed.

Here's a close up with credit to EnigMind on YouTube (here's the video if you wanted to look through other bits of art and writing found throughout Ruin, I don't know if everything is covered)

This so obviously depicts what Sun did to him- he locked Moon away, and from Moon's perspective either didn't care about him at all or, even worse, found joy in doing so. If Moon is responsible for this drawing, which I believe he is, then this piece speaks volumes about Moon's resentment towards Sun, how much Sun has (unintentionally?) hurt him, and how conscious he was throughout this whole ordeal. I think this post by @/twinanimatronics sums it up quite well (warning for flashing images). (I know I've talked about it before but this post means so much to me you have no idea. I should reblog it.. why haven't I done that already. I'll do that shortly after this is posted, actually.) Another possibility is that Sun drew the tower and the sun only for Moon to add the clouds and the crescent moon- as if he's trying to confront Sun about what he put him through(?). I'm not sure, though, because we don't know how long Sun has been given the boot for.

The second drawing I wanted to focus on is this one. (Hi again, Dawko and EnigMind).

I don't know which of the three bunnies this is, but it's definitely one of them. I'm more inclined to believe it's Glitchtrap because of the whole virus situation, the lack of a spot around the eye, and general roundness of the head. MXES would make sense too (despite not being round), but MXES doesn't have whiskers... Unless they added those for creative flare, which is a very real possibility with these two jesters.

The only thing is that I can't tell who drew it. I don't recall if we get a chance to see it outside of the AR world, and while most of the drawings aren't affected by the Vanni mask iirc, I don't want to assume that it's impossible that this one could be an outlier. Since Moon is the only one with the virus(As far as we know), then I'd hazard a guess and say this would be another piece of Moon's.

Why did he draw Glitchtrap, though? Does that imply he can see Glitchtrap, or was it due to an unexplained compulsion to draw the glitch rabbit without him even knowing what it was? Can the others see Glitchtrap??? Why did Moon draw Glitchtrap pissed, too? What's up with that? Why is he mad?? If any of you guys have thoughts on this, I'd love to hear them. It's just so strange to me that Moon(seemingly!!!) not only drew Glitchtrap, but drew him pretty ticked off. Maybe he's trying to convey that Glitchtrap is, for lack of a better word, a bitch? I'm just not sure.

Finally, the plushie tea party. (British man strikes again)

Why is Moon fallen over and not.. literally anything else. Once again, I don't remember if we can take the mask off here (it's early in the morning, sue me), but did Sun knock the plush down? Did the "earthquake", and Sun just chose not to pick it back up? I think from an environmental storytelling standpoint, this represents what Sun did once more; he left Moon to rot in their mindscape (or code, or what have you), to grow irritated and to fester while he got to play in the light- While Sun got to be "free". But even still, there has to be a reason in-universe as to why, whichever one of the DCAs is responsible for this teaparty, did this, right? It's clearly intentional, because again, nothing else is disturbed other than the Moon plush and his chair. (I'm also just now noticing the empty third chair, which I believe represents Eclipse. Neat!! Very clever!)

Anyway!!!! That's it. If you made it this far, uhm... Here's a cookie.

[the-tech-turn]

My goodbyes to the members of Bad Batch

(I was inspired by someone else who also did this, but I can't find them. If anyone know who the op is, please tell me so I can credit them)

(Not spell checked, btw)

TECH

Tech -my beloved-.you have helped me gain confidence when it comes to my intelligence. Last year I was very insecure about my intelligence since I was the “advanced student”. Because of that title I was afraid to ask questions, afraid of not meeting that title. My self esteem relied on my grades and even though I would have an A I was disappointed it wasn't 100 percent. But because of you I learned that I don't have to prove myself to anyone and although I may struggle with it from time to time it's a lot better than last year. You also have been a big source of comfort for me. I would love to listen to you ramble endlessly. Your voice is a voice that I have learned to love and adore. In fact I cried when I realized I would hear your voice this season. I also see you as a person who would listen to me ramble and have a genuine conversation with. Something that I rarely have. You are a strong, intelligent, determined, and loving person. That is why you have a special place in my heart. Thank you Tech for all the things you have helped me with.

ECHO

I was pretty young when I watched The Clone wars. At that time I wasn't invested with starwars the way I am now. So I never really paid attention to what I was watching. I remember part of it like watching the attack on Kamino. In all honesty I don't remember watching you at all. But subconsciously I may remember since you are one of my favorite clones. Heck even characters. I really like how competent and funny you. To me it shows that even after all that you have been through you can still be an amazing person. I think that's an important message to send. I also like how you want to keep fighting for your brothers. It shows how much you care for them, even the ones you haven't met. I love how you are willing to take dangerous risks for people to love. It shows so much about you. And finally I love how you were able to find healthy coping mechanisms and make the most of your situation. You aren't the same person as before the trauma but you aren't left worse off. Echo you are the perfect example of “you aren't what happens to you it's what you do with what happens' ' and I want to be like you.

WRECKER

Wrecker, you and I are a lot alike. We are both affectionate, loud when we're excited, and caring. I adore how you openly show Lula! You aren't ashamed of her and I think that's incredible. To be proud of who you are and being able to feel unashamed by others trying to put you down is an amazing life skill to have. I think it is amazing how you were always willing to take Crosshair back. I can tell how much you love him. It broke my heart to hear you scream after Tech as he fell. You love all of your brothers and to see one of them die and being unable to help them is something I never want to face. But you are somehow able to still keep your positivity. You seem like the person your brothers go to for reassurance due to your loving and affectionate nature. I hope that whatever happens tomorrow in the finale won't take that away from you.

HUNTER

You are an amazing father/brother to Omega and your brothers. You want what is best for them and try to help them. You are a caring person. It is just how you are. This allows you to empathize with people more easily. It is also your caring nature that drew me to you. You are how I joined Fandom in the first place, and because of that, I made friends with people who want to have a genuine conversation with me(@techwrecker @thefrogdalorian )

You've also allowed me to find people who share my interests. For that I thank you. I admire your determination. You know what you want and no one is going to stop you from getting it. I understand how pressuring it can be when people look up to you and seek you for advice but you manage to pull it off and that is why you are the leader of the batch.

CROSSHAIR

Your journey has been a hard one. You had to see your brothers leave you multiple times. You had to watch Mayday, a reg who you quickly grew to care for and love, die because of the ignorance of the Empire. The same Empire you sacrificed your whole life for. You gave up your relationship with your family, your happiness and individuality. All for the Empire to take 2 of your brothers, and take away what made you different , acceptable to take away the reason you were born and to replace it with trauma.

What you had to live through was cruel and all I can do is hope that you'll be alive to make the pain worth it.

But just because you went through all of this doesn't mean you don't have amazing qualities that I love and admire. Like me you value loyalty. It is why you left the Empire and why you are trying to recuse Omega. You are also very protective of what you care about and it is easy to see how much you care for your brothers and for Omega. I think I like you as much as I do because you remind me of my best friend. She is as stubborn,and snarky, as you but she is also as caring, loyal, thoughtful, and strong as you. It is clear for me to see why Omega never gave up on you. And I want you to know that you deserve the galaxy.

OMEGA

I have loved watching you learn and grow through all of these years. You've grown so far from the girl who didn't know what dirt was. You have faced challenges that would change many people. And in all honesty you have changed; you've changed for the better. You are still the loyal,caring and empathetic person you were before. You are a bit of everyone in the batch

You're as loyal as Crosshair, as caring as Hunter, as strong as Echo, as positive as Wrecker, and as strategic as Tech. You have so much potential in this galaxy, and I just know wherever the force guides you, you'll never lose your spark.

(I will post my final goodbye to the series tomorrow)

[lesbianneopolitan]

Last night I innocently uploaded the pic of Neo and Ruby gaming on Twitter, but I got pretty much replied by people who were very much judgmental and passive-aggressive about being shocked, etc, etc (lots of them minors), lost some followers, etc

I am very affected by those situations because at some points it feels like harassment for something so stupid (I've seen wishes of death towards me before for old Fallen Petals stuff), no one ever takes the moment to even talk with me about it, nor try to understand the development and process that made me ship it in the first place- that it's actually a pretty innocent wish of building up a cool ship to have fun with my friends.

I have very bad anxiety from PTSD and I don't have access to meds rn, so things that get out of hand can really affect my mental and physical health, like, people don't keep in mind that the major part of the time, the people they accuse are people with problems like me, that are dealing with irl stuff or trauma and simply want to have some positive fun on the internet, to escape a bit from it all- art and writing has been a good coping mechanism for me to not practice self harm, and my therapist was actually proud of me for it, so I don't want that taken from me, specially when I'm mindful and tag things properly. And when honestly, discovering RWBY and messing around with some ships helped to make me happier. Because I think it was about time.

RubyNeo isn't even following all canon details, Ruby's more practiced and slightly older, and honest to God, I don't see what's wrong with building an AU with headcanons when we aren't doing it for the sake of, what?? only having them fuck?? or oversexualizing them?? the people that literally oversexualizes Ruby and only do lewds or only smash her against another character so they fuck is something that pushes me SO back because I personally find it disgusting (and if I'm in a mood I can have am anxiety attack for it, same for other dynamics, like incest, etc etc).

So for the love of everything, blacklist, block me or whatever, but understand the kind of person I am or the building for the things I do or the things I draw before I'm labeled as things I'm not. Because I'm sure you wouldn't want it to happen to you.

Treat me like a person, not like some kind of idealized artist that has to be perfect.

Show some empathy, try to be understanding, not everyone that ships 'x' is going to be a super evil person that did it with the most malicious intent in the world. Sometimes we're simply playing with them like they're Barbies, to create stories, angst, wholesome moments, independent timelines, etc.

Like I mentioned I myself deal with PTSD, there are so many things that despite being presented in good faith could throw me off the edge because of triggers, but I simply take care of myself and tag stuff, I blacklist and in the worst case I block, specially if someone is specially harmful and toxic to real people.

So please, just, let me be, I'm just a nerd trying to live life alongside friends to be as happy as I can because I've had enough abuse already.

Be kinder unless the person in question is GENUINELY harming real people and are potential real creeps, please, I'm tired.

[caressthosecheekbones]

"Just a sniff." he tells himself, eyes on the prize.

Just once. To truly know.

To thoroughly absorb the actual carnality of Alex's smell.

Henry's eyes wander to the hallway, their shared bathroom, where his friend has just disappeared.

To take a very wet, very not hot but rather cold, wet shower.

Still hot.

Henry sighs.

So hot.

His fingers twitch in the direction of the back of the couch.

Where the tanktop lies.

The sopping tanktop Alex kinda threw at him in a fit of laughter before sauntering off in his tiny running shorts to take a much needed shower.

That was honestly so hot.

Theme of the day because outside as well.

Which is why Alex's tank is positively soaked in sweat from his early morning run.

It lies there, crumpled.

Drenched, threatening to slide into the crevice between cushions and wall.

Deer-caught-in-headlights-wide eyes still fixed on the bathroom door, Henry snatches the sodden garment with slightly shaky fingers and lifts it to his face slowly.

just a tiny sniff...

It should be absolutely disgusting, he knows on an intellectual level. It is absolutely disgusting for the majority of people almost certainly.

The very idea.

And yet...

Henry grew up in a household so distant and repressed concerning any kind of physicality -

his father's death caused his mum to retreat into herself and consumed by grief she simply stopped touching anything.

Anyone.

If at all possible.

(She had been touched too deeply by love, his dad surely having been her soulmate. This or something similar Henry wrote in his diary when he was twelve. He used to be quite a bit proud of that analysis. For about three weeks.)

Not touching anyone (anymore) sadly also meant no more hugs for little Henry, no kisses to his forehead nor his cheeks.

No more tender fingers in his hair, no warm palm at his neck.

He was eight.

His older siblings accordingly too old to really conspire with and simultaneously too young and consumed by their own grief and teenage angst to act as some kind of guardian.

In his desperation Henry started stealing - borrowing - his mums scarves first, later her nightgowns.

In the beginning just for a few hours.

He felt the only way he could be touched by a person he loved, get close to them, was through memorising and basking in their scent.

One of his greatest regrets to this day was not having been able to have gotten a hold of any item of clothing his father had worn before his passing.

The older he got, the more intense and shameful his fixation on people's scent grew.

Especially people, boys,

men,

he was attracted to.

(Playing sports became important on many different levels.

Physical exertion to release the tension.

Shared locker rooms and showers to.

Release the tension. Afterwards. Alone of course.)

He never told his therapist.

To this day, his own judgement of this unusual obsession is weighing heavily enough on his shoulders already.

Henry felt he needn't bother anyone else with the weird coping mechanism his brain came up with to create a sense of closeness to people he loved and/or was attracted to.

He also never thought he would get a chance like this one right here, literally in his hands, ever.

Alex's worn shirts, t-shirts, jumpers and sweaters usually find their way to the floor immediately after having come off.

Trampled all over with street-wise sneakers and dog paws that may or may not have dug up a dead mole or two in the last week.

(While some dog-owners swear their puppy's paws smell like popcorn, Henry knows this to be untrue about David's paws specifically. Trust him on this, he actually checked.)

But this chance?

This gift?

It is here, in his very hand and more precisely already in front of his chin now.

As he can still hear the water hitting the tiles, a body moving beneath.

Don't think of his body.

Don't think of his body.

Don't think of his body.

Henry's gaze ultimately drawn to the darkened fabric in his hand.

He breathes in, once.

Twice.

His lips part and he can already smell it.

The first, sharp burst of salt.

A thick layer on the roof of his mouth.

Spices, chili and garlic, cumin lending an almost chaotic structure.

Fresh air and deodorant.

Light and inevitable underneath it all.

And cinnamon. Coffee.

Of course, coffee!

He closes his eyes, basking in the rich, heavy odour of Alex's sweat.

Brings the other hand to the garment and in an embarassing fit of desperate neediness rubs his whole bloody face in it like a cat on a slab of concrete he saw once on tiktok.

He's about to pass out from sheer pleasure.

His breathing so deep now, not enough oxygen, never enough Alex and his rabbiting heart still not satisfied.

Probably never.

This is probably the freshest from the source he will ever smell Alex. He's pretty sure.

Henry moans into the gift, the sound slightly muffled but high and desperate, unmistakably horny in its cadence.

So completely lost in the delicious melánge of different olfactoric elements Alex's body usually produces in smaller quantities and sadly half a metre away from him-

There's a gasp:

"What the -

just as he's getting to the middle notes...

- the fuck, Hen?"

Indeed; Henry thinks.

What the bloody buggering fuck.

How could he have lost track of his whereabouts?

The shower sounds?

Of time itself?

How. Why.

WHY??

His face still buried in the tanktop, he balls his fists into the material, wishing he could somehow shrink between the fibers and become one of the disgusting little bacteria Alex must think him to be now for sure.

JesusFuckingChristHolyMotherOfGoddFuckkk.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

um. yeah. congrats you made it to the end.

All and every mistakes are mine alone as I do not have a beta reader and English is not my first language.

I don't know if this made much sense to anyone but me but I sincerely hope reading it didn't feel like a total waste of time.

I also don't know anything about when or even if the muse will instigate a heavy makeout session again like the one through which this was conceived over the course of the last days weeks.

I'm tagging @dreamsinthewitchouse because our conversation in your comment section inspired this <3 and also @mossy-fae bc we had the trauma to kink talk and it opened my eyes in a special eye-opening way. (what are words) Also @idealuk bc they liked my lil announcement ages ago this was sorta coming (I hope you don't mind.).

Last but not least @smute bestie, who was the very first person to read this (I will be proud until the end of time this was kinda your very first fanfic ever! <3)

Ok. Well. Thank you for reading and have a good one. <3

[astral-mariner]

6 - 15 - 24 - 30 Questions ask ;0

6. What's the best/worst part of being online/a creator?

The absolute BEST part of being online as a creator is getting to connect with other creators. Other creative souls who care just as much as the things that mean so much to you. Who themselves create things that bring you joy, make you cry cathartic tears. People who understand the creative process, the NEED to create. It's not just other creators, though. It's also people who engage with the things you create. The people who tell you that what you created meant something to them, moved them in some way, however small. Little bits of human connection. I personally put so much of my soul into my creative projects that, when someone sees even a little of those very real emotions, I feel seen and understood in a way I have very rarely felt in my life. One of the reasons I am creative at all was because I was lonely and had no one to turn to for various reasons. I used art to process my grief over the world being so purposelessly unkind. Not just to me, but generally. Why do bad things have to happen? Why do the people who should love us hurt us instead? And most of my art meditates on answers to those questions and shows characters fighting to find meaning in spite of their circumstances. As for the worst part... It's hard to say because I think of it as mostly positive. Perhaps just that being vulnerable is scary sometimes. And that people are just as likely to misunderstand you online as they are IRL. But online, there's at least the advantage that the people who are engaging with your stuff have often intentionally sought it out, so they are more likely to approach it in good faith. Perhaps, then, the worst aspect of creating online is that those connections you form with other creators and people who find meaning in your content often are so far away, lol. Sometimes I'd like to actually be present with people in a way that's not mediated by art. I very often neglect my real life relationships and responsibilities because my art is where I feel most alive...and I wish that my creative connections were more integrated in my day to day interactions. Fun fact: everyone I've ever dated has met me through my art, and I don't think that's by coincidence at all.

15. What do you think of when you hear the word "home?"

This answer will be somewhat sad... Because I don't think of any one place out here in reality. Literally the first thing that came to mind when I asked myself this question was an empty field on the edge of a wilderness. The sun is setting, the wind is blowing, and I'm standing there by myself. I very often go on long hikes alone to Brood, and I think this has something to do with it. My blood relatives rejected me for being queer. I was sheltered in a religious extremist community and didn't make many friends growing up. I had undiagnosed autism and anxiety, among other things, that I never got help for until I was an adult (and this was not entirely anyone's fault---there was far less awareness of those things in the early 90s, and even adults trying to do their best didn't have the resources to provide effective support). I've experienced a number of traumatic events that have made it hard to trust people and form connections. So at the end of the day...where I feel most "at home" is by myself. Even if it's a coping mechanism. Sometimes feeling comfortable and safe around other people feels so foreign and strange, like I'm an alien visiting from another planet. Even if I really want to connect with others deep down. (I think that's a big reason why I connect to Vegeta trying to adjust to life on Earth after Freeza is gone.)

24. What's one thing you're proud of yourself for?

I'm really proud of myself for getting as far as I have on my Saiyans under Freeza story, honestly. It's the longest creative project I've attempted, and it's close to being finished. I will likely be over 160k words when it's done, and it's the culmination of years and years of thoughts and feelings. I've written other novel-length pieces before, but this easily my most ambitious project.

30. What's one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?

Music. Even if it's dark, heart-wrenching stuff. There's just something so moving about it. Being able to engage with things that remind you that other people have felt the way that you do and have used those feelings to create something of beauty. In particular, I love music that is nevertheless somehow beautiful, meditative, and melodic despite being harsh. Favorite genres include classical, goth/darkwave, black metal. An Example:

[ne0nwithazero]

I know nothing about Kileg so I don't know what i'd like to know spefically. So just lore dump I guess!

That's alright :)

Klieg's whole thing is pretty straight up forward I think, just mean guy who makes Films and is a bit cringe fail (/aff) about it. He's not as fleshed out yet so there are still some gaps in his story.

LONG lore dump ahead, like you requested :)

Klieg is essentially a guy who likes making weird pretentious films and overall just very niche stuff, so he kind of struggles to find much success because he has a hard time finding people who connect with his work. (wdym I'm projecting lmao)

But this just makes him extremely insecure because while he is very proud and loves what he does, he gets frustrated when people just dismiss him and don't make an effort to understand what he's trying to express in his stuff

Except he's just really mean about it and ends up having a "You don't get it because you're not smart enough" vibe to him. Like yeah, he's overall a bit of a jerk because he's tired of no one taking him seriously, and his coping mechanism is thinking he's way too smart pfff (tho idk at what extent he actually believes that...)

He wants to work for the Channels, which are managed by Mike and Host, but Host doesn't want him around because they just get bad vibes out of his personality LOL

And Mike pretty much has to tell him no sorry, the lighters won't like this, in regards to his work, and Klieg kind of resents him for this lmao. He also has a weird bias against Microphone darkners since they're like, the worker bees of the Cable, so he's a bit iffy about Mike being in as high of a position as he is.

But yeah, he's just overall a representation of the artists' conflict of sticking to doing art that is meaningful to them, and having to do stuff that "sells". It's something I personally find very relatable and I think others would as well, especially in today's climate :')

But yeah, Klieg is extremely proud of his work, and he sticks by it, regardless of how unsuccessful it is. He keeps trying to apply for the Channels to get his work seen, but no luck.

The only reason he gets in is when Darkners start going missing, and the entire Cable is slowly falling apart with how many missing people there are and everyone is just losing their motivation.

Tenna going missing was the last drop for the Channels since the place is run by M&H, and they kind of stop caring about it because their kid is missing and so are like half the cast members.

Klieg only gets in because M&H end up having no one in charge of the movie channels, but they're also too emotionally exhausted to even bother arguing with anyone or being picky. As mean as he is, Klieg did know Tenna, and he can't help but get a bit of a pit in his stomach thinking about him.

But M&H shortly go on hiatus to deal with their grief (TV gets unplugged), the Channels are somewhat still producing content, but there isn't much going on and everyone has really low spirits ;v;

Klieg is happy he's finally in a position he can do the work he's always wanted, but at the same time, the circumstances are just less than ideal.

He's still frustrated that after finally reaching the position he wanted (Followed by thoughts of feeling like he didn't earn it), he's kind of like obsessed with making "perfect" work, but this backfires because he's annoyingly nitpicky and no one wants to work with him because of this LOL

Stuff does get exciting when the Fountain opens haha M&H are scrambling around after suddenly leaving their long Hiatus and getting everyone back to work, and Klieg's happy to finally have a proper audience :)

Whatever happens between him and Fun Gang... Well I still want to write that, perhaps through in a funni animated cutscene maybe... :) Only time will tell

[faithfromanewperspective]

I grew up believing that if you have shit worth stealing while people need to eat, you don't really have a right to complain if you get robbed. I came to this position out of pure spite: my family were never rich, but as a kid with no autonomy over anything I owned who was sheltered from responsibility but saw poverty from a young age, I didn't know that. I just wished I had something worth stealing so that I could be free of the expectation to find happiness in material things I couldn't control the destination of, feel worthy because something I had made a difference in someone's life.

decades later, the option came to opt out of using my writing to train AI, and I chose not to take it. I tell myself it's because filling in any form often sends me into a meltdown it takes days for my nervous system to recover from (which is true) but there's also something narcissistic (morally neutral) within me that says. me? you think my stuff is good enough to train your bot on? I made anything good enough to steal? fuck yeah I wanna be stolen from. god knows I put so much out there into the universe and no one fucking cares. might be good to get some acknowledgement even if it's only in a turn of phrase I used that I see someone else catching onto: I've been there when I was a trendsetter in high school and felt on top of the world to think some of the shit that came out of my brain meant enough to someone that they started doing it too.

and I know a bot isn't the same and no one who is starving gets any benefit from it it's pure greed with a side of environmental destruction and you have every right to protest against them using your intellectual property and I fully support each and every one of you for doing that. but also, if you're me and you desperately want people to feel okay and you can't end exploitation fully but sometimes ending it for one person is enough, I'll voluntarily take the place of the exploited in a heartbeat. it's fucked up, I know that, but if it means I'm not dead yet from the frustration of it all it's a misplaced kind of coping mechanism but when I do it in little ways, I can say no to the big ways that cause me actual harm.

technically, this doesn't align with my beliefs at all but for some reason in my head, stealing is wrong when it's from anyone but me. I'm a stickler for intellectual property who has been known to rant about the injustices perpetuated by streaming services to both artists and users but when it's the thoughts coming out of my head I want them in the world by any means possible. I don't care if I get acknowledged. it's better than being completely unheard, invisible, to think it's going towards something--it's like I trust there's enough good in what I spew out to think that if it's getting used for evil, evil won't get very far with it. I don't care if it doesn't have a soul, I'm offering it mine bleeding out around the edges. don't take anyone else's. take mine. it's hurting me otherwise.

now I've admitted to enabling capitalism I ask myself: what am I but a part of the commons? am I a person and an artist on my own or am I simply creative commons? I need to get these thoughts out before they kill me. one day I'll make something I'm actually proud of and try get some cash for it. for now I'm overflowing and I don't give a fuck where any of it goes. take it, it's better than taking something that means a lot to someone else.

[laverrez]

so this is just something i feel needs to be out there because sometimes i look on the ocd tag to see experiences others have and positivity they might be spreading, or sometimes just to feel kinship- today was one of those days, and i stumbled upon something that makes me feel incredibly icky and gross.

please be cautious and mindful when looking at "positive" ocd material or blogs. i encountered a blog (will not name because it was quite triggering) that was framed as "help" for people suffering with ocd and as a way to help them "recover" and "get over" it. if you can smell where this is going, good; i love you, but you cannot cure your ocd. im sorry. it is lifelong. you can find coping mechanisms and you can get to a better place with it, but it will not go away. anyone and anything claiming to make it do so is lying to you.

this blog specifically was selling some sort of program, from the looks of it. i will be completely clear that i didnt dig into anything or click on the link that was put in posts, because it was and is making me feel sick. these are just things i observed and things i think people, especially those that are in a bad space or are particularly young coming to terms with their diagnosis, should know to look out for.

if it uses ocd-unfriendly wording, it likely does not have your best interests at heart, and should be consumed carefully. things like "if you do/dont do x then y will happen", reblog baits, "if you do z then you're giving y power", "b will make c worse unless you d", anything that could trigger a fear or targets anxiety. the specific "ocd recovery" blog i stumbled upon had a few posts that were very predatory with these sort of wordings.

it also had a lot of anti-medication and anti-therapy undertones. again, please watch out for this. it is perfectly okay to not want medication or therapy for yourself, but being against them altogether is dangerous, stigmatizing, and unhelpful for not only people with ocd but for anyone who could need professional mental healthcare. anyone claiming to help while also pushing that sort of anti-healthcare agenda is someone to be cautious of.

it does not make you bad if you have fallen into traps with these sort of things before. it does not make you bad to follow blogs that reblog bait. it does not make you bad to not want professional care or medicine for yourself. it does not make you bad to wish that it was possible to be 'cured'. it does not make you bad not to reblog or like this post. you are not bad.

i just felt like i needed to share some of these things to look out for, because i know it can be so difficult to see things as they are when brain is telling you that you have to listen or else. please be gentle and kind to yourself. please drink some water if you can because it's getting quite warm, and please remember that you are loved and you are good as you are. you're doing your best today, and that is enough. im proud of you.

[isleofdarkness]

hii!! i just found your page and your au is super well structured//

but who is exactly is constantine (parents, personality, etc.) and what is their backstory? what is their deal with mim? what pushed they to make the deal? how does the deal effect them, positively and negatively? what groups on the isle are they in? also how do the deals with mim work with constantine, lydia, and zevon? are there any social repercussions that people face through making a deal?

sorry if it’s a lot, but i just wanted to clear some stuff up. but this is all really cool!!// -silver

(This probably won't make much sense but I just spent an hour on it so if you see any typos, no you didn't. And never apologize for sending an ask.)

Constantine is the chosen name of Hans Westergaard the second, he changed it because he doesn't want to share a name with that monster. His parents are Hans Westergaard of the Southern Isles and Nerissa "Queen of Bitchville, born from a long line of shitty mothers." He's Anna Westergaard's older brother at 19.

Anyone who's met Constantine would describe him as a very sweet kid. They would tell you about how shy and quiet he is, how happy he is, how he seems like he doing so much better than everyone else on the Isle.

Most people are idiots.

Yes, Constantine is naturally gentle and forgiving and quiet, but a lot of the things people think are cute about him are actually iceberg symptoms of a long list of disorders. Constantine has both selective and elective mutism, borderline personality disorder, pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified, multiple motor disorders, multiple speech disorders, internalized emotional dysregulation, reduced affect display, multiple types of anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, a lot of worrying coping mechanisms, and an attachment issue that I can't find a name to but definitely should have a name. Constantine has a lot of issues from how he was raised. As a result, people he doesn't trust see Constantine when he's protecting himself. They see him employing a long list of survival mechanisms and repression of a lot of his personality because that's what he's learned will protect him. These behaviours will keep people from hurting him, so he doesn't try to hide them. The ones that would make people angry or would let people see the real him get hidden. To almost everyone, Constantine plays a part. Only two other people see who he really is.

Constantine is extremely emotionally intelligent, he can practically read minds. Even with Lydia, who experiences emotion in an abnormal way and hides what she does feel. Constantine can read her like a book. He has a sailor's mouth and an extremely dark sense of humour, but he makes sure he doesn't make people uncomfortable. He laughs at everything, even the dumbest of dad jokes, even things that other people wouldn't find humour in. He understands technology like no one else. Give him a pile of junk and he can make you an artificial heart that functions perfectly. He'll listen to every story anyone is willing to tell him and will beg Lydia to read any book he can get his hands on because he never learned how. He's the kind who would give his left arm if someone needed it but there's no way in hell you're touching his charger. He loves, trusts, and forgives Lydia and Zevon no matter what. He makes sure they both eat, sleep, and take care of themselves. He makes sure Lydia knows how beautiful she is, scars and all, and makes sure that Zevon doesn't doubt his intelligence for a second. He hugs them both at least once a day, tells them that he loves them, and makes sure that they know that, no matter what, he's proud of them. He supports them.

As for his story...

Warning for below the cut- forced underage prostitution, childhood sexual abuse, childhood physical abuse, complete lack of safety and anyone he could trust growing up, slavery, body horror involving mould, mental illness, and traumatic amputation

Hans started selling Constantine when he was a few months old. Constantine basically left the house when he was three months old and didn't come back until he was eight, because Hans would just toss him between brothels to try and figure out which one had the highest amount of paedo clients. He never had a safe, solid foundation, never had someone taking care of him for more than a few weeks at a time. He didn't even know he had a sister, who was two years younger than him, until he caught a small glimpse of her when Nerissa had him dragged back home. She was looking for magic and was trying to drain it from people with inherent magic. Constantine can't actively use magic, but he's constantly absorbing it and storing it. He's kind of a magical reservoir. When someone needs some in a pinch, such as what's about to happen, they can take some from him to begin to replenish their own.

Nerissa tried to use this reservoir. She reached into his chest, wrapped her hands around his heart, and started draining his magic.

It's been well over a decade since that happened, but Constantine will never forget the feeling of his own mother taking his life and rending his soul. He will never forget the way she grinned as she destroyed him.

And then Dawn got between them.

Constantine hadn't known, but this had been going on for weeks. His mother had killed over a dozen people and tried to kill a couple dozen more. The hardest hitters (Justice, Maverick, Mordred, Desdemona,) couldn't get close- if that magic got into Nerissa's hands, the damage would be unparalleled. But Dawn, with a magic of misery and decay, could.

When Nerissa reached into Dawn's heart, she didn't know that Dawn had focused every tiny piece of her godly magic around it. The shock of that level of power lowered her walls, and Dawn put everything she had into her attack. Constantine watched as black mould filled Nerissa's veins and organs, as Devil's Fingers ripped through her skin, as Dawn forced an immortal body to decompose in the most powerful was she could think of. It lasted maybe fifteen seconds but it put the fear of the gods into him.

When Dawn collapsed, trying to force her magicks to stabilize so she wouldn't incinerate Constantine and Anna, Constantine put a hand on her shoulder on reflex and let her draw from the reservoir. He'll never forget how hard Dawn was shaking.

"I can't do that again- fuck, I can't play with my humanity like that. If I..." she shuddered, taking a deep breath. It was easy to tell she was speaking to only herself. "That'll keep her down for maybe two days but that's all I can do. There's no way to fix this, she's gonna wipe us out-"

"Or," a new voice trilled. Constantine whipped around to face the newcomer, and grinning woman with a mane of purple hair. Despite her tiny stature and obvious age, he immediately identified her as a threat. "You know my offer, dear."

"And you know my answer, Auntie." Dawn forced herself to her feet, black eyes narrowed in contempt. "I said no and when I say no, I mean it. And the same goes for Justice. Our answers aren't changing and if you keep harassing us, Styx'll kick your ass so hard your spine will pop outta your mouth like some kind of PEZ dispenser. I don't care how close we are to family, I am this close to ending you. It doesn't count as spilling your blood if I turn your blood cells into black mould spores and fill your brain with yellowjackets and make horseshoe crabs fill your lungs and-"

Long story short, Dawn spent a good five minutes detailing to Madam Mim how she was going to use the forces of predation, decomposition, and a bunch of other stuff to make her suffer if she didn't stop bugging her and Justice. What had she been bothering Dawn and Justice about?

She'd offered that she would take away Nerissa's ability to steal magic if they sold their souls to her. Considering Dawn was part primordial and Justice can alter probability in her immortal favor, neither of them could do that.

But Constantine could. He didn't have anything that could hurt anyone, just something that could help people. He struck a deal, his soul for Mim taking away Nerissa's terrifying power, and his condition was that she could never stop him from giving the magic that he couldn't use to people who needed it. He was eight when he sold his soul.

For one sweet year, his life got better. Then he was sold to Maddy Mim, and what little happiness he'd built around himself came crashing down.

Madam Mim didn't have much need for cruelty, only control. As long as he did what she said, he wouldn't get punished. After eight years of sex work, Constantine was very good at doing what he was told. But that wasn't enough for Maddy.

Maddy loves causing pain. She would find any excuse to cause pain. She would cause pain when she was bored, when she was happy, when she was angry, when she had a few minutes where she didn't have anything to do. And her grandmother sold her three perfect punching bags.

Lydia, Constantine, and Zevon.

Constantine had it the worst. Zevon could go into its head and it wouldn't feel pain, wouldn't remember what happened. Lydia was hard to punish directly because she has absolutely no pain response and doesn't care what happens to her. Constantine, however, feels pain. He's been trained to express pain his entire life, sometimes to express pain he doesn't even feel. Constantine was fun.

He also became a way to punish the other two (usually Lydia.) If they do something wrong, it's probably going to be him getting hurt. Maddy's favourite way to get back at Lydia quickly became to chain her to the wall and force her to watch the consequences of her actions. Maddy would sell an hour with Constantine to the cruellest of the cruel, the ones who would love to have their way with someone they didn't have to worry about killing. Gaston is a regular. In fact, it's usually him. Sometimes Maddy will force Lydia to torture Constantine, or she'll force her to say cruel things until Constantine is in tears. That's how Constantine lost his leg- Maddy forced Lydia to take an axe to it.

But if she wanted this to make the three resent each other, it hasn't worked. If anything, the three are closer because of what she's put them through. Lydia and Zevon are the only two Constantine welcomes touch from. Constantine and Zevon are the only two allowed to treat Lydia's wounds and see her more humiliating scars. Constantine and Lydia are the only two Zevon trusts around it while it's asleep or otherwise vulnerable. Instead of pitting the three of them against each other, she's pitted the three of them against the world.

[access--granted]

Apologies for keeping this nonsense going, you must be exhausted, so I'm clarifying before I speak - delete this ask if you don't want to address this topic anymore.

Anyway, to offer a different perspective, I have personal substance issues. Life's been lifeing and I eventually turned to not-so-healthy coping mechanisms over the last few months. Fan fiction about this is my safe way of exploring my feelings about it. This widespread assumption that I need a handheld, sugar coated portrayal to cope is offensive. Shying away from difficult topics is censorship. Period. And it is a big issue because it carries a massive real-world impact on those who use fiction to escape. The same cowards criticising you will bang on and on about "representation in media", but won't note their hypocrisy.

I'm not a baby, I don't need the teletubbies to show up and remind everyone that Leon is flawless and a hug willl fix him. The fact that there's a new age approach that hails this crap as gospel, is more dangerous and harmful than one might think. I know it's stupid, but I am utterly fuming on your behalf.

That fic was the first gently thought out, yet brutally realistic piece I've found in AGES (this isn't pressure to repost!!). The fact you were bullied into believing you did something immoral just... it fucking irritates me to no end. I am so tired of this huge scream for censorship, I'm tired. Just don't engage if it triggers you, it's that easy. The rest of us adults have every right to explore darker aspects through fiction because it is SAFE. It's safe and it helps people. Talented writing is a life skill. It truly is. (Also on an amusing note: if they think me exploring his drinking habits is sinful, I would he sent straight to prison for the smut I read, lmfao!)

I'll end it by saying THANK YOU for the effort that you made. If it's better for your mental health not to post about that specific thing anymore, then please don't, but damn I'm not leaving without saying thank you for that honest portrayal of how addiction and alcohol dependency harms people and how it feels for everyone involved. You've got a talent and your empathy is very noticeable. Fuck these puriteens, lmao.

You have nothing to apologise for, anon. I'm certainly not going to shy away from talking about specific topics on my blog just because other people don't know how to ignore content they dislike. I already made the mistake of letting a bully get to me during a low point, resulting in the deletion of a piece I was both proud of and that had all-around mostly positive feedback anyway. I still appreciate your concern, though.

I completely understand that life has been lifeing, as it has been for me, too. I wrote that piece because I want my fics to be inclusive to a more widespread audience so that more people can relate. There's a lot of happily ever after fic out there, even some that completely ignore the struggles that happen in real life, too. So, I thought I'd write something different. I'm all for fluff, smut, romance, etc. But there is so much content for that already. I wanted to, and will continue to, add mature content to my writing, but not in the sense that it's always about getting Leon naked and doing the devil's tango with him.

I'd like to say also that it's not at all stupid for you to be fuming about this; I certainly am, and even more so for letting asshats get to me.

I'm happy that my representation of the issue was well thought out and realistic in your eyes. The thing I was most nervous about, to begin with, was getting things right. While I've never dealt with it personally, I had a very close friend who went through this, and many people left them behind. I will be reposting the fic at some point. I was proud of that work, and nobody will spoil it for me or anyone else who finds some kind of solace in reading it. (Also, same - like, why is exploring real-life struggles so outrageous, yet reading a crap ton of smut isn't? None of it should be a problem for people to explore.)

This topic is in no way detrimental to my mental health. I was just down in the dumps for personal reasons at the time anyway, lmao. Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm touched you think I have talent as a writer, and as a colossal empath, I'm glad it's clear to see.

[tonberry-yoda]

Well hello there! Glad to see that you're request are open again!

I'm 🇪🇸Anon and I came here to request another platonic match up! This time with Helluva Boss, please ^^

The info I gave you would still be the same except for the characters I don't want to be matched up with, 'cause this time it can be with anyone that cames to your mind!

(I leave you here the information that I put on my other match up so you don't have to search for it :3)

Hello! I'd like a platonic matchup for Hazbin Hotel! (something like a mother/father/guardian figure)

I'm a 13-year-old cis-girl, and I use she/her pronuns!

Idk if I have to put this since it's a platonic matchuo but I'm Pansexual (and very proud of it, like- you can see me wearing pins and/or accesories with the pansexual pride flag). I want her/him/they to be respectful with me and my boundaries, to not make fun (in a bad inentioned way) of my likes or hobbies and to be willing to spend time with me in some little moments of the daily life. I'm a very physical person and I express my (platonic) love through hugs and I'm practically going to cling onto the person you pair me with almost every time I'm with her/him/them. BUT if they don't like/aren't comfortable with physical contact I'm going to respect that and only hug them ocassionaly or when I'm feeling/they're feeling bad and instead

express my (platonic) love through gift giving ^^

I'm a huge fan of the KidCore clothing style and I'm always wearing something making alusion to how the 90's and/or 2000's kids were dressed. I'm a very kind person and I'm usually smiling all the time, I tend to laugh at almost everything that is funny and I tend to snort or wheeze when I do laugh, other thing that happens is that my knees give out and I tend to end lying of the floor when I laugh of something I find very funny. I care very much about others (even more if they're my friends) but not to the point of being obsesive or intrusive, I always give everyone their personal space, and I tend to do everything that's in my hand to make them laugh or smile.

I also have this broken/or Gen-Z humor that bases on su1cid4l or self depricating jokes.

I use that as a coping mechanism for when I'm feeling bad or just having a rough day.

My music taste is very variated but what domines in my spotify playlist are Indie Pop or normal Pop, artists like "Melanie Martinez" and/or "Mitski" and 80's-90's Spanish rock bands (La Frontera, Tequila, Los Ronaldos, Andrés Calamaro, Siniestro Total and Seguridad Social).

(This is a thing I forgot to add to the other matchup lol) I have hella fast reflex, like, I've never been hit by a ball or any other kind of object either because I dodged it or because I catched it lmao. That rule also aplies to the people around me, because I react very fast and I yell at them to "Watch out" anyways If they're too slow I tend to push them out of the way without me getting in their last position (to not be hit by the object in question) or to tug their arm so I get them out of the trajectory of the object.

Could you add a mini fic of the character you choose and me having like a (platonic) cuddle sesion and then me falling asleep on them? Or If you like this idea best, them finding out for their first time about the thing of my knees gaving out and me ending lying to the floor while I laugh. (or both if you feel like it, but no preassure tho-)

-Love, from 🇪🇸Anon

omg hello my lovely 🇪🇸 anon!!!! i love these little platonic matchups because they are so cute omg. and I actually have a surprise for you for this one 🇪🇸 anon!!

the character(s) I chose for you are...

MILLIE AND MOXXIE!!!

they would literally be there for all the time

they will always be respectful of you and your boundaries and never make fun of things you like

they are wholesome and kind, so they will always always always be nothing but kind to you

and 100% protect you from blitz lmaoooo

they love hugs!!! please give them both hugs because they will smile the whole time <333

if you give them gifts, they will be super cheesy about it and go get you something so you can all open gifts together!

they think you are the sweetest kindest young girl they have ever met

if you get laughing, they will also start laughing and then it's a never ending laughter party

millie will laugh at your self deprecating jokes and moxxie will quickly be like NO NO NO NO NO!!!

if you're having a rough day, go to them and they will help in any way that they can

expect lots of hugs and a nice convo

they are AMAZED by those reflexes frrrr

baffled even lmaooo

they care about you a lot and would do anything for you

and per your request, here is a fic :)

MINI FIC

"C'mere honey," Millie pulled you into her arms, holding you close. "I'm sorry you had a rough day."

"It's okay," you said, your voice muffled in Millie's thick hair. "Thanks for the hug." You nuzzled onto her and Moxxie walked in the room with hot cocoa for everyone.

"Sorry about the rough day, kiddo." Moxxie gave you a couple pats on the head and sat down on the couch next to you and his wife.

"You guys are the best." You sniffled, tears now dry. You already felt ten times better.

"You're the best, y/n." Millie reassured you, rubbing your shoulder before letting you rest on her.

"I'm tired." You yawned, stretching and taking a long sip of cocoa.

"Go to sleep then, love." Millie laid down, letting you rest your head on her as Moxxie curled up in her arms.

You all fell asleep soundly with smiles on your faces.

~~~~~

matchup rules --- pinned post

@tonberry-yoda

[jerzwriter]

because I'm curious, do you feel like your MC(s) are similar to you? You can expand on that as much as you feel comfortable, but as someone who basically writes exaggerated versions of me, I want to know more about the writers behind some of my fav MCs.

Hey there! Thanks so much for this ask!

I've always felt that there are characteristics of me in my MCs, but they aren't really self-inserts. I always viewed Casey/Kaycee as better versions of me. My latest MC, Zoe, she's a bit different, but there are still traces of me in her. If I ever get around to the OC I'm creating for Ethan in my Tobias/Casey world, she has some basics too.

Ways we're alike:

In my HC, Kaycee/Casey grew up in an inner city. Their family struggled financially but always did their best to do what they could for her. K/C is proud of her upbringing and credits it with making her sensitive to the needs of others who are not privileged in American society. She became an activist during her college years and continued to be civic-minded, involved in causes that matter to her throughout her life. That's all me. lol Kaycee decided one kid was plenty for her after Emma was born. ME. lol They both speak their minds and can be sarcastic and funny. ME (It’s the trauma… lok) They're both bisexual and have had relationships with men and women in the past, but they tend to be in relationships with men more frequently, so people tell them they're not bisexual. They do their best to educate people on this and support others like them. ME.

2. Zoe... OK, this is hard for me to say, and honestly, I just realized this as I'm answering your question. The circumstances are very different (of course, I have not survived a zombie apocalypse lol) But like Zoe, by the time I entered my young adult years, I had been through A LOT. Others who have been through similar things became closed off, retreated, turned to very unhealthy coping mechanisms, or gave up... but Zoe kept going and always felt there was something worth living/fighting for. And you know, that was me. Even though I don't realize it because, well, it's just my life... you know? But now that I look at it, I'm like, "Holy shit." This is pretty cool actually. Zoe is also sarcastic and a flirt - ME and ME. lol

3. Eva ... she's not too developed yet, but she's 1/2 Cuban and 1/2 Greek, which are two (I have more) of my cultural backgrounds. She grew up in NJ (like me) and struggled with self-doubt for a long time, mostly because of her family, who just didn't know better. ME lol

How we're not alike:

Our heritage is different. I didn't grow up in Philly (but I love it!). They love science, and I barely got through my classes, lol My parents were nowhere near as supportive as hers. I would have had a lot less tolerance for Ethan's shit before they were together, but maybe not at a younger age. (I'm like Casey - if he had left for the Amazon without telling me, he would have been dead to me. lol) Casey manages three little girls and a career with aplomb. I would have been in the fetal position and popping more Adderall than is legally allowed. lol (Of course, I didn't have a Tobias to help, so there's that... oh, we're different there too lol)

She's more fearless in battle than I would ever be. Though I've never been forced to be in battle, so I can't say that with 100% conviction. When we are put in in situations where we "must," we often find that we "do." I'd say she wants to be a leader, I did not. but I'm not 100% sure she wanted to (and I'll address that in writing). I think she just found she had to and rose to the occasion.

3. Eva's family was a pain in the ass, but she had a very loving/supportive father and older brother. Her mother was also misguided but kind. NOT my experience lol Eva is much more serious than me. She has a playful side, but nowhere near the lunacy that is me. Zoe and Eva are also 100% straight, so there's that. lol

Well, that got long! lol That's me. I hope that gave you a glimpse of how we're alike and different! Thanks so much for asking.

[septembersghost]

Sometimes I think harry's explanation on fine line(having s*x and feeling sad) suits hs1 better simply because that's all the album is about. I always think about his 2015-16 and I can't imagine it being any other way. Like I think 2015 was his worst year . First taylor left him and showed up with her bf 3 months after leaving him. Then zayn left the band and he definitely hated(atleast resented zayn for that) . He was snarky everytime zayn was brought up. I also felt like the boys also isolated him and blamed him for z.In some bts there was ot3 standing close then there was.......harry. If louis blamed harry in 2019 for breaking band we can imagine how he behaved in 15. on top there was Robin's cancer. So he had a lot to deal with and he was only 21-22. I genuinely don't think I'll be able to go through all that unscathed. So he didn't have a silver lining to look for in that stage and he used sex as a defence mechanism. Taylor left him when he had a bit more less-messy life I don't think hs1 would be this sad and maybe would've been more positive. I felt like tay left him when he desperately needed someone in his life who truly understands him as a support system. While he wrote it as a heartbreak album there is a lot of underlying issues in it. While he asks 'take the pain away' he is not just talking about Taylor. He is talking about everything in his life. I think Olivia perfectly describes how much he needed her companionship at that moment of his life.

that explanation of fine line is so inaccurate, and i think he said that to try and conceal some of its heartbreak/darkness/vulnerability, but it does the record a bit of a disservice. it's much more than that. i do agree that description is more fitting for HS1, though he does tackle some of that in a deeper way there as well.

idk that i'd characterize his response to zayn as hating him, but he definitely was upset/annoyed and played that off with snarky humor. i'd imagine it also frustrated him that zayn expressed some dismissal of the band as a whole, since harry has always openly been very proud of their music and what they achieved and created, but naturally the two of them had disparate experiences and walked away with individual feelings. i haven't necessarily picked up on the other boys blaming him (although i have seen commentary about h being blamed for the "hiatus" and some of the resentment that went along with that, whether unfounded or not), but that could be due to seeing things in hindsight rather than as they happened. (niall and harry seem quite close to me in press for mitam!)

agree that was a very difficult and tumultuous time for him, and it's easy to forget he was still SO young. there's real grief tucked away on a lot of HS1, and masking that with sex is not at all uncommon. the sorrow and feeling of not knowing how to handle everything is probably clearest in ever since new york, especially since he's said that it's about that specific loss, but shades of it and that uncertainty and hurt show up in ftdt/mmith and even two ghosts as well.

keeping in mind she was also very unwell and in an escalatingly bad place at this time, it makes additional sense as to why they never found a safe moment to land or an ability to work that out. two young, adrift people just trying to hold on and make it through various terrible storms weren't going to be able to build a lasting foundation.

While he asks 'take the pain away' he is..talking about everything in his life. definitely. fame itself is such a monster to deal with and to survive, and to be thrown headfirst into that as a teenager and try to surface and cope with early adulthood and finding your sense of self and experiencing such formative events...the trade-off of success and money or whatever for sharing your creativity and talent being that intrusive, incessant fame is nightmarish to consider. the entire concept of scrutiny on that level fills me with dread tbh. and it's been challenging and hard from the advent of popular celebrity, we've seen its destruction on so many people, sadly. it's incredible anyone survives it with their minds and hearts intact at all.

[catnherthoughts]

she felt an emotion 8/18/2023

i apologize for my hiatus. there hasn't been any motive for me to write until now. i know that someone probably sees these and likes them. possibly. now i am here to turn feelings into an art form to be enjoyed by those who frequent tumblr.

i do not think my position is unique. i enjoy the comfort in knowing that there are people in the world that have felt what i am feeling. they know how it felt. they have been in a situation that parallels mine. having separated parents is not uncommon in the slightest and those parents are people. people with flaws and emotions and coping mechanisms that are far from perfect. all we can do as children of these situations is look and learn. cope, hopefully in a better way eventually. i have seen my parents relationship grow and shrink. i have seen them love and hate each other. neither of them are perfect. far from it i would say. I still love them very much. i can only try and empathize with their situation. i think it's odd being put in the middle of these things but as an only child i am not sure i have a choice. i can't remove myself. boundaries are set but nothing changes and i can't control that. i've learned through years if therapy and medication that a more internal approach works the best. my mother can rant all day about how she loves my father and my father can make snarky remarks about how he finds every aspect of her distasteful. they will always so that. despite my efforts of trying to change their behavior, i have personally learned that there is nothing you can do to change a person. that was a very good lesson to learn. i;ve carried that out in my personal life to some extent. it is nto right being in the middle but i cannot do much about it. in turn, i sit and i think and i take these as lesssons. why be alive and living life if you cannot learn and better yourself from harrowing experiences.

I will say that in some aspects i have adopted their behaviors. I am only human. if its not genetic its basic developmental psychology. you learn patterns based on what you see and act as such. I am their daughter. so i beg for those who do not want to be with me and in the same fashion am never emotionally vulnerable. these are things that i am working on. i am very proud of myself for at least recognizing these patterns and wanting to change. that is farther than most go. i have had horrid things happen to me because of these patterns. all of the abuse in the book and such. one thing that i admire is how i learn from these. as a mutable sign i think it's only right that i change and grow. i will say that i have distaste for those who do not even try and put the effort in to learn move on and grow.

growth does not happen immediately. i know this. but there is a certain amount of accountability that you must take and that is one of the most important things.

I just took an hour long dance break. the feeling that triggered this is not there anymore but i will try to do my best to finish this in the most authentic way possible.

accountability is one of the most important things that a person can learn. in this way we can learn and become better. if you don't know there is a problem, we can not try to solve it. i am somewhat of an eternal puzzle. forever there will be missing pieces or pieces of me that i thought were well placed but after looking at the bigger picture see that while that was the best for the time, there are better things i can implement. why be educated formally when you cannot be a good person. there are people who have never been to school that know more than those with a masters. emotional growth is not optional if you do not want to hurt those around you and in turn yourself. community is a garden. pollen and nectar and things of those cyclical natures. the bees don't pollinate to help the flowers, but to get nectar. where would we be without that process? horrid things. we can all be a bit more beelike. by holding yourself more accountable, you can look and see, this is what i need to work on and this will make the life of myself and those around me better. i know a man very well. he took his hurt and ruminated on it. excused his bad behavior based on it rather than healing and doing better. i got hurt by his hurt. it did not help his hurting. very sad that he went through whatever it is he had to go through but we either take these situations and learn or we stay with a dagger in our chest forever. i can love. i can laugh. if i told those around me about what i have been through i think that i would be met with confused stares. there is this narrative that " hurt people hurt people". yada yada. i was hurt. i don't let that define me. i don't do what was done to me to others in a way to replicate what i was feeling onto them. why would i? everyone has a different perspective on things. people can say that i am too soft and malleable and letting the needs of others supersede mine. i know that i am happy and those around me are aswell.

that is the thing with growth. people can tell that you are wise. i attract others based on this. i hope that i am not being put on some pedestal based on how much i have grown. i am still just as flawed as any other human. i just work on my flaws. i fill the life i live with love and i think others know that. i cradle everyone i come across within my arms and kiss them on the cheek. i see their soul and with mine take it in. i give their aura a bath and tuck it in with their favorite stuffed animal. eternal caretaker. it may be too much for some and for others it feels like a euphoria that is too good to be true. alas, i cannot control these things. i just know i get joy from things of this nature. a physical non metaphysical example would be taking care of a man when he felt nauseous. feeding him and giving him a drank form my palms. holding him and giving him comfort. a kiss on the forehead. a but mothering but that kind of love means the most. when the world slices you up and down you have the choice of remaining bits and pieces of what you once were or tending to your wounds and getting better. take all of this how you will

xoxo cathy

[xoxocathyy]

she felt an emotion 8/18/2023

i apologize for my hiatus. there hasn't been any motive for me to write until now. i know that someone probably sees these and likes them. possibly. now i am here to turn feelings into an art form to be enjoyed by those who frequent tumblr.

i do not think my position is unique. i enjoy the comfort in knowing that there are people in the world that have felt what i am feeling. they know how it felt. they have been in a situation that parallels mine. having separated parents is not uncommon in the slightest and those parents are people. people with flaws and emotions and coping mechanisms that are far from perfect. all we can do as children of these situations is look and learn. cope, hopefully in a better way eventually. i have seen my parents relationship grow and shrink. i have seen them love and hate each other. neither of them are perfect. far from it i would say. I still love them very much. i can only try and empathize with their situation. i think it's odd being put in the middle of these things but as an only child i am not sure i have a choice. i can't remove myself. boundaries are set but nothing changes and i can't control that. i've learned through years if therapy and medication that a more internal approach works the best. my mother can rant all day about how she loves my father and my father can make snarky remarks about how he finds every aspect of her distasteful. they will always so that. despite my efforts of trying to change their behavior, i have personally learned that there is nothing you can do to change a person. that was a very good lesson to learn. i;ve carried that out in my personal life to some extent. it is nto right being in the middle but i cannot do much about it. in turn, i sit and i think and i take these as lesssons. why be alive and living life if you cannot learn and better yourself from harrowing experiences.

I will say that in some aspects i have adopted their behaviors. I am only human. if its not genetic its basic developmental psychology. you learn patterns based on what you see and act as such. I am their daughter. so i beg for those who do not want to be with me and in the same fashion am never emotionally vulnerable. these are things that i am working on. i am very proud of myself for at least recognizing these patterns and wanting to change. that is farther than most go. i have had horrid things happen to me because of these patterns. all of the abuse in the book and such. one thing that i admire is how i learn from these. as a mutable sign i think it's only right that i change and grow. i will say that i have distaste for those who do not even try and put the effort in to learn move on and grow.

growth does not happen immediately. i know this. but there is a certain amount of accountability that you must take and that is one of the most important things.

I just took an hour long dance break. the feeling that triggered this is not there anymore but i will try to do my best to finish this in the most authentic way possible.

accountability is one of the most important things that a person can learn. in this way we can learn and become better. if you don't know there is a problem, we can not try to solve it. i am somewhat of an eternal puzzle. forever there will be missing pieces or pieces of me that i thought were well placed but after looking at the bigger picture see that while that was the best for the time, there are better things i can implement. why be educated formally when you cannot be a good person. there are people who have never been to school that know more than those with a masters. emotional growth is not optional if you do not want to hurt those around you and in turn yourself. community is a garden. pollen and nectar and things of those cyclical natures. the bees don't pollinate to help the flowers, but to get nectar. where would we be without that process? horrid things. we can all be a bit more beelike. by holding yourself more accountable, you can look and see, this is what i need to work on and this will make the life of myself and those around me better. i know a man very well. he took his hurt and ruminated on it. excused his bad behavior based on it rather than healing and doing better. i got hurt by his hurt. it did not help his hurting. very sad that he went through whatever it is he had to go through but we either take these situations and learn or we stay with a dagger in our chest forever. i can love. i can laugh. if i told those around me about what i have been through i think that i would be met with confused stares. there is this narrative that " hurt people hurt people". yada yada. i was hurt. i don't let that define me. i don't do what was done to me to others in a way to replicate what i was feeling onto them. why would i? everyone has a different perspective on things. people can say that i am too soft and malleable and letting the needs of others supersede mine. i know that i am happy and those around me are aswell.

that is the thing with growth. people can tell that you are wise. i attract others based on this. i hope that i am not being put on some pedestal based on how much i have grown. i am still just as flawed as any other human. i just work on my flaws. i fill the life i live with love and i think others know that. i cradle everyone i come across within my arms and kiss them on the cheek. i see their soul and with mine take it in. i give their aura a bath and tuck it in with their favorite stuffed animal. eternal caretaker. it may be too much for some and for others it feels like a euphoria that is too good to be true. alas, i cannot control these things. i just know i get joy from things of this nature. a physical non metaphysical example would be taking care of a man when he felt nauseous. feeding him and giving him a drank form my palms. holding him and giving him comfort. a kiss on the forehead. a but mothering but that kind of love means the most. when the world slices you up and down you have the choice of remaining bits and pieces of what you once were or tending to your wounds and getting better. take all of this how you will

xoxo cathy

[lowkey-ok]

I am currently goobin' I did my chores yesterday and the stuff I ordered arrived. The chores were tough but so much easier because I was home alone, I faked being sore from marching in order to stay home from clothes shopping... I hate clothes shopping because my dad might like something that I don't but I have to go with it or I will get lectured about why I don't like expensive clothing (my dad works his ass off and worked very hard for the position he has, he is the straight A student, not because he is more talented it's because he works harder than everyone else... he often talks crap about his coworkers because they don't work as hard as him to know their stuff. In the field he is in he has to he very careful, even one slip up could kill him... though I doubt it will kill him because he has been doing this for a while. Though everytime I think about him dying I start sobbing, I don't want him to leave) anyway I love my dad, but then we have to go through the chaos that is my brother and my sister. Me and my sister are like water and oil, and my brother is like koolade mix. It's mixed best with water (sister) and could possibly mix with the oil but it would be unnecessary and not that rewarding... but that isn't even the worst part... the crowds scare me to death, during my sister's birthday I was freaking out the entire time and then when I finally got the courage to say something I got instantly shut down. I was and am a mess, I made their trip less fun because I went.. same with the Colorado trip where I spent most of my time taping on my mom's shoulder and asking her if I could get this adorable pink bunny stuffed animal.. she just told me I was weird so I didn't get it... I got pens though, I gave one to my sister of which she destroyed with her friend and threw it away... well that and I sat in the hotel room and watched bluey for the majority of the time. We there for the hot springs and I hate swimming... just something about it makes my spine shiver, speaking of shivers my body randomly shakes a lot... I don't get it... I don't understand it... but I have to live with it I guess, in band the instructor does the "band ten hut" then we have to scream a phrase (I don't want anyone to even potential find out the town i go to, let alone school) then get into position... I never scream the phrase because feel uncomfortable yelling for some reason... anyways that's when we have to go into position and we can't move.. my posture is horrible so the position it hurts. Btw the position is feet together, legs together, slightly bent knees, shoulders rolled back, puffed out chest, neck straight, head straight and arms put to the side in a very specific way in a very specific spot. I always fail to stay in position when I goof up, to my coping mechanism to failure in front of a large crowd doesn't work.. because I am a dude I can't and don't want to cry in front of people... so I always try to make a joke about it and laugh it off while tearing up... sometimes that doesnt work. Especially here, another thing I do to help is music and when I put some in I got instantly told off for having an earbud in. So then I just resorted to silently crying so nobody noticed.. but then some people noticed and started complementing me... I don't need their pity, they only complemented me because they know that I am the worst one there. I also got my stuff yesterday, I got an acrylic dangler and a figurine. It was a mari dangler and a basil figure from OMORI... I made a funny video with them both so I am just going to like the tiktak I made with them because I am proud of it

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8LH34CC/

So those are cool and I love them, I am ordering a jacket from the OMOCAT store along with another dangler this time a boss rush blind bag I want the Pluto one, or the Jawsum one, or any of them because they are all cool... oh yeah, so I was planning on hanging out with a friend, (I only say friend to protect their identities and so I don't single one of them out if they ever find this heavy doubt though) he ended up not being able to come over because he was exhausted, which is fair. But before I asked him I asked my parents and they told me to clean my room and do all my chores, so I did them and they asked for proof.. so I sent them like 10 pictures of my room and they said sure. So anyways I woke up today, for some reason I was dreaming about escaping fnaf through a metal cage and the animatronics where just like "hey that's not fair" or something, but anyway I woke up to banging at my door... I said "wut doyu wan?" My sister said breakfast. Bad way to walk up, I am not a fan of waking up to people banging on my door because it scares the shit out of me. I am going to keep this short bc i have been typing for way too long. So pretty much I asked my mom if I could hangout with the friend and she said no, when I asked why she said, "today is the snooze day right?" Because I was talking about how it was rainy and the lighting was perfect to nap and how I was going to sleep all day, but then I remembered I did that yesterday. So I asked her, "so NOW you are all in for the snooze day?" She said no and wanted to check my remessied room or else i couldn't hang out with my friend then decided to give me like 3 more different chores I had to do before noon or she would steal all my electronics, phone, laptop, drawing tablet, tv, roku, the random handheld I bought, like every single bit. It's so infuriating that she bought a thing to regulated my internet use, so she could just turn off my internet whenever she wants (she hasn't found out that I can bypass it will mobile data and hotspots yet though) she wants me to read so bad but she refuses to buy any books I ask for, she tells me "find it in the library" so I check in the library and they don't have it. So I tell her that and she tells me to buy it with my own money, see I am 15, you know how hard it is to get a job at 15. Especially with issues because I can't work on grills or any machinery so that means the places I can work are numbered and I am not good enough to beat out the competition that also want a job. Also I found out that if I take a shit ton of Tylenol in the morning for like the first half of the day my brain doesn't melt and I don't have as many of the effects of a panic attack.. my heart still pounds though. Back to the book thing, so with my limited money she expects me to buy a book, that I wanted because you wanted me to read so bad that you will steal the stuff I am enjoying to make me not read.. because I will just find other shit to do, it's not that hard... pencil drawing is fun as well as digital, but I prefer digital.. one book that I want to read, like actually is the art book and strat guide to OMORI just because I love OMORI it's so good

Anyways I have been typing too long, have a good rest of your day... I am doing fine