#we are so back you guys. and now with 7 day outlooks instead of 5 day!

[atlantichurricanes]

Atlantic Tropical Weather Outlook issued by the National Hurricane Center in Miami, FL, USA

2023-05-15 08:00 -0400

Tropical cyclone formation is not expected during the next 7 days.

Today, May 15th, marks the first day of routine issuance of the Atlantic basin Tropical Weather Outlook in 2023. This product describes significant areas of disturbed weather and their potential for tropical cyclone formation during the next seven days. The Tropical Weather Outlook is issued from May 15 through November 30 each year. The issuance times of this product are 2 AM, 8 AM, 2 PM, and 8 PM EDT. After the change to standard time in November, the issuance times are 1 AM, 7 AM, 1 PM, and 7 PM EST.

A Special Tropical Weather Outlook will be issued to provide updates, as necessary, in between the regularly scheduled issuances of the Tropical Weather Outlook. Special Tropical Weather Outlooks will be issued under the same WMO and AWIPS headers as the regular Tropical Weather Outlooks.

A graphical version of the Tropical Weather Outlook is available on the web at: https://www.hurricanes.gov.

$$ Forecaster Kelly/Cangialosi

[richiefuckfacetozier]

Chapter 3: Winding Me Up Inside

Story: Why Can’t This Be Love

Click to read on Archive

Art of Eddie and Richie by @whatidoisxsecret

Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

___

Eddie honked profusely at the car in front of him. Everyone had decided it was idiot day on the road as one of the bridges was down from a car fire. People were cutting him off or making illegal u-turns that almost hit his car. He ended up pulling over to grab a drink at a restaurant. He wasn’t very well going to die tonight if he could calm his nerves with alcohol instead. It was unfortunate that he left his pills at home, knowing they could calm him immediately but a gin and prune juice, his healthy alcoholic beverage of choice, would have to do the trick. 

About a month had gone by since ‘The Arrangement’, something Richie had started calling their pretend dating. Eddie would’ve rather called it ‘The Nightmare’ but Richie wanted a positive outlook on the situation. 

Eddie eyed a grungy bar next to a pizza joint that looked perfect to grab a cheap drink. However, upon further observation, there was a rainbow flag sticking out above the bar’s entrance. He blinked at it, took a step forward, then froze. His body had seized up at the prospect of going in.

He wasn’t sure how long he stood there but a booming voice said, “You in or out?” Tossing him from a temporary mind blank.

“Huh?” Eddie focused on the bouncer standing by the entrance, who was ripped and large. He never understood having such intimidating people be the first greeting you encounter before entering a bar or club. Don’t these businesses want people to come in? “Oh...er...no no. Just searching for a place to drink.” 

“Well, this is a bar.” The man eyed Eddie up and down, giving the impression of being humanly x-rayed. “Drinking is the main activity...among other things.” There was some prolonged eye contact between them that dried Eddie’s throat into a Sahara desert.

Eddie nodded shifting forward. He reached for his wallet, which had his ID, but his hand merely hovered over his slack's front pocket. 

“Maybe another time?” The man suggested with a lighter tone. Eddie straightened up, nodded and walked away. 

He just failed at that pretty spectacularly. What would Richie think? Probably that he was a chicken. This had been an extra hard month. With the realization, he may have stronger feelings toward guys than he had ever admitted to himself. He had stopped sleeping, barely ate, and secluded himself more. 

Suddenly, the demise of his relationship with Myra was making more sense. When she used to touch him sensually, his skin crawled. He assumed that was from the years of his mother convincing him the world was a germ-infested blackhole, girls were dirty, and how he could never truly be clean. Except he rarely felt that way when Richie touched him. Or any of his friends. Sure, they had known each other for years, but he knew Myra for a long time too and it didn’t settle into a comfortableness that relationships were meant. 

He tended to resist Myra’s kisses, fake not feeling good to get out of sex, and pushed her away constantly. Their break up had been devastating. At the time he believed it was because the love of his life left him. Now he knew the truth. 

Eddie eventually got a drink at a bar a few blocks away. The drink refreshed and calmed him immediately. It’s funny how certain things relaxed him right away because he’d conditioned himself to feel that way. His mind began thinking about tomorrow, a chilling dread running up his neck. He scratched at the nape even though nothing truly itched. 

He was seeing his friends for a pre-engagement party celebration. Just the seven of them. The thought almost made him break out into sweats. He downed his drink and ordered another. Usually, he would be extremely excited and thrilled to see the losers club, except the next step in the arrangement, was occurring. Eddie had to come out collectively to the group. A fake coming out but that fakeness was becoming authentic with every passing moment. 

He wished there was someone he could talk this out with. There was Mike, but that felt wrong somehow. The one person he wanted to tell was Richie. What would he even say? There was a nightmare scenario he replayed every day that Richie would laugh in his face, which logically he would never do but Eddie’s attempts at controlling his imagination have never come to fruition. 

While he was absently stirring his drink, his phone started ringing. A picture popped up on his screen of Richie lifting a screaming/laughing Eddie from behind. He took an extra second to remember the joyful memory, running a finger over the picture then answered. 

He sighed into the phone, “Hey, Rich.” 

“Where you at, gumdrop?” said Richie with an obvious smile in his voice.

“A bar. The traffic was crap, so I am waiting it out.” 

“What’re you wearing?” He said suggestively.

Eddie frowned, huffing out, “Work clothes, why?” 

Richie clicked his tongue, “Cause you are supposed to be at Beverly and Ben’s celebration extravaganza in,” quick pause where Eddie figured Richie was looking at his phone for the time, “20 minutes.” 

“No, it is tomorrow.” Eddie insisted.

“No, my cutie patootie Eds, it is today.” 

“No,” He said slowly. “It’s on Friday, you turd.” 

A laugh came through the phone, “Today IS Friday.” 

Eddie paused as horror sunk in fast and deep. “Oh shit…”

“Yeah, so see you at the restaurant!” Richie hung up, leaving Eddie to his panic.

He slapped down a $20 on the bar counter, despite the drink being less than half that and bolted out the door. He ran past the bouncer who shouted, “Don’t trip, kid!”

His car turned on with a roar then he zoomed out of the space. The traffic had significantly cleared which worked in his favor as his car swerved around dangerously. His heart pounded with adrenaline. When he pulled up in front of the restaurant, Richie was standing on the curb smoking a cigarette. 

Eddie gave the valet his car keys, not even thinking about how much that would cost him at the end of the night, and hurried over to his friend. 

“The prodigal son has returned!” Richie tossed the second half of his cigarette on the ground, stomping it out for good measure. As Eddie neared Richie wrapped an arm around his shoulders pulling them close together. The smell of smoke was both overwhelming and familiar. As much as Eddie despised the disgusting habit, he was so used to it that he could brush it off. 

Eddie pushed on his chest to free himself a little but not enough to break contact. “I can’t believe I fucking forgot.” 

“Take a minute to breathe, Eds. Where’s your head been at lately?” Richie asked in what he probably thought was a casual tone, except, Eddie knew better. His friend was really asking ‘Where have you been?' or 'Why are you isolating yourself?’. 

Isolation was the only solution for hiding his emotions, which had been many and increasing each day he spent alone with his thoughts. 

Instead of answering the question, Eddie shrugged and smiled lightly. 

Richie reached up and pinched Eddie’s cheek with a “Cute, cute, cute!”

“Stop it, I hate that!” 

He laughed, “You ready to do this?” 

Eddie took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, “I can’t do this.” 

“You CAN do this!” said Richie with excitement. “Just be yourself.”

“Fake coming out to my friends is the worst idea we’ve ever had. It is wrong.”

“What do you suggest then?”

Eddie nervously glanced at his feet, “I think we should just out ourselves to Bill like we planned next.”

“You think they are going to believe Bill without any pretense? No, you have to come out and it has to be tonight since it’ll be the only time we are all together before Beverly and Ben’s engagement party. If you steal her thunder in any way, she will murder. Who she’ll murder is unclear but it starts with Ed and ends with die. Hey! That was more clever than I intended.”

Eddie swallowed, “Alright, but Richie…”

He made a tracing motion toward the ground  “There will be a chalk shaped Eddie on the ground with Beverly DNA everywhere. It’s going to work, Eds. I promise.”

“Don’t call me, Eds. Listen, Rich I…”

“Stop trying to come up with excuses! It’s going to be fine.”

“No, Richie! Just shut up a second!” His heart was beating out of his chest, he had to tell Richie what he had been going through or everything could be ruined. He had to give him an out if he wanted. Eddie shrugged off Richie’s arm, so they were facing each other. “I’ve been thinking that I...I…”

“Well, spit it out Eds. Thinking what?” 

“I THINK I MIGHT ACTUALLY LIKE GUYS!”

Richie stood shocked and silent at first, just staring. Those ice-blue eyes hiding secrets and judgments that Eddie desperately wanted to hear aloud. Tears had caught in Eddie’s eyes which he blinked away quickly. “Well! Don’t just stand there, asshole! Say SOMETHING!” He demanded. 

“I...I…” Richie sputtered face turning crimson red. 

“Well, spit it out, Trashmouth.” mocked Eddie.

“I do too.” He gasped out. 

It was Eddie’s turn to stare in silence. “Sorry, I think I went temporarily insane. Repeat that?”

“I like guys, too. I have since college.” Richie sighed with relief. “Maybe longer.”

“What? You have?” This revelation made Eddie take a step back. “I had no idea.”

“Not relevant information to disclose.” Shrugged Richie. 

Eddie gave a confused look then lowered his eyes skeptically, “This isn’t a joke, Richie. I actually believe I am gay.”

“You're the one who shoved a rainbow cake with sprinkles on top of my bisexual pie.” Richie’s eyes twinkled. 

“Wow,” A smile broke out across both their faces, pure joy at the realization that they weren’t alone. They had never been alone. “What were the chances that 2 out of the 7 of us friends would be gay.” 

They stood there, in a rare silence, watching each other with a newfound comradery that didn’t seem possible after 20 years of friendship. Richie grabbed Eddie’s forearm and pulled him in for a hug, which was returned 10 fold. Tears that he forgot to keep holding in fell into the side of Richie’s neck. His emotions were on a rollercoaster with no chance of stopping. He faintly heard Richie say, “Eddie, I…”

He didn’t get to finish what he planned to say because a “Richie! Eddie! W-what’s the hold up?” Interrupted them. They quickly broke their embrace as Bill appeared beside them. He looked calm despite a bit of impatience in his eyes, then saw their faces and concern washed over him immediately. 

Bill put a hand on Eddie’s shoulder, the weight very comforting. “Everything ok?” He reached in his pocket and took out a travel tissue pack. Eddie gave a watery giggle, taking one and blowing his nose. 

“Yeah, Big Bill,” said Eddie. “Everything’s great.” And he found that his words were true.

After a few more breathes and checking himself in the selfie camera of his phone, Eddie felt ready to face his friends. The three men walked into the restaurant, heading to a back room that Ben reserved for the occasion. 

“Congrats to the couple!” Richie shouted as he bounded over to bear hug and lift Beverly off her feet. She laughed swatting at him, “Let me go you dorkface!” 

“Dorkface!” Exclaimed Richie. “Of all the sass to receive from your dude of honor.” 

Eddie watched the exchange warmly. Ben patted him on the back. “Traffic?” 

“Huh? Oh yeah.” Eddie said embarrassed. “Tons.” 

“There was a car fire and crash on the bridge.” Came the dry, toneless voice of Stanley Uris. “Surprised it wasn’t you Eddie, with all your road rage.”

Eddie gave a pout in Stanley’s direction but walked over to his friend for a handshake and a hug. “Such a kind, warm greeting from you Stan. I miss you, too.” 

“Where’ve you been lately?” He sounded unperturbed, but he wouldn’t ask if there wasn’t a genuine concern.

“Oh ya know,” Eddie trailed off with a shrug. Stanley lifted an eyebrow but didn’t push it, for now at least.

Eddie started to seat himself between Stanley and Ben when Richie grabbed his collar jerking him backward. “Scoot over, Stan the man.” 

Stanley rolled his eyes, “No.” 

“Why?” asked Richie.

“Because I am comfortable here.” 

“You’re being a stinker, Stanley. Move to the seat next to Ben. You like Ben, don’t you?” 

“Of course I…”

Richie looked right at Ben, “Too bad for you, Benny boy, it seems Stanley doesn’t like you anymore.” 

“Beep- beep, Richie,” Beverly warned while drinking a glass of wine and placing a hand on Ben’s arm. 

“I’m just saying it is suspect that the best man doesn’t want to sit next to the groom.” 

“He’s not a groom until the wedding day.” Stanley insisted. “And I am already sitting…” 

“Richie isn’t gonna let it go, Stan. Just move over one.” said Bill with strong finality. None of the losers liked to admit anymore that Bill remained the group’s leader even into adulthood. But when he made a request it was usually followed with little argument. Eddie figured it didn’t matter how independent any of them grew up to be, Bill still held a controlling rope over them. Something Stanley was known to resent.

He moved over a seat as Eddie gave an apologetic look at every one. Getting between Richie and Stanley tended to end in him being yelled at, so he rarely bothered anymore. Besides, he bickered with Richie more than anyone else so Stanley had no room to complain. 

Richie glanced around the room realizing they had a missing loser. “Where’s Mike?” 

“Bathroom,” Responded Beverly, still nursing her drink. “How was work, Eddie?” 

“Fine, I guess.” The last thing he wanted to talk about, except his mother, was his boring job. “An econ student was hired as my intern, which makes me think I’ve finally made it.” 

“Poor bastard is in for a world of ribbing by all your accounting co-workers,” said Richie, bumping Eddie’s shoulder. 

Eddie laughed, “Oh, I already made a joke at him today. Why do economists exist?” He scanned around the table then opened his mouth to answer. 

Mike’s voice interrupted from the door of the private room, “So accountants have someone to laugh at.”

“Mike!” whined Eddie. “You stole my punch line.”

“Sorry, Eddie.” He took his seat between Beverly and Bill. 

Stanley smirked, “You practiced that joke didn’t you.” 

“Shut up,” Eddie groaned. “How was your trip, Ben?” 

“Not the best,” Ben sighed, he wore a deprecating grin. No matter the story, Ben always had some kind of upturned smile, it was a unique quality. Considering most people told Eddie he had sad eyes, being able to smile at all times would be an excellent trait. “I didn’t leave early enough like I usually do because it was so early in the morning. I left my water bottle in the rental car they got me, then ran from TSA to the gate, was in my seat when I realized the sweater Bev got me for my birthday was back at security.” 

Beverly rubbed his back soothingly, “We can get you new ones of both those things.”

“I know, it’s just a bummer because they were special items before I lost them.” Eddie understood. Ben and he shared the same mentality about their personal items, each thing they owned held a nice memory. He knew that the water bottle was one Ben got from his job after the big promotion, he could ask for another one but it wouldn’t be the same as the moment he received the gift. The feeling of pride and achievement all through a meaningless material item. 

“Well, lucky for you, Ben.” Richie pulled out something from his bag, handing it across the table to Ben. “I had these made for everyone.” Richie continued grabbing water bottles from his bag, passing them around. 

“This is so nice, Rich!” said Beverly. She laughed at the label. Eddie looked down at his seeing ‘#TeamBenverly’. It was great quality, a platted maroon paint covered the bottle with the lettering in a bold white. 

“I still have the keychain you gave us for my bachelor party.” said Bill.

“That’s right!” Mike chimed in. “What does it say again?” 

“Big Bill’s Bitchin’ Bachelor Bash.” Stanley drawled. “Kinda clever.” 

Richie grabbed Eddie’s shoulder, making Eddie almost jump in confusion. He stared at Richie, who was clutching his heart in mock shock, “A compliment? I don’t think I can handle that from you, Stanley Urine.” 

“I take it back,” said Stanley, “You don’t have any cleverness. Only idiocy.” 

“Hmmmm, insults,” Richie leaned in front of Eddie, still holding his shoulder as his face got closer to an unamused Stanley. “They feed my very soul.” 

Eddie placed his hand over Richie’s face and pushed him backward the metal of his glasses digging into Eddie’s hand, “Your soul has a healthy appetite then.” 

“Oof, your words fill me up most, Eds.” 

“Eds is a dumb nickname and you know it.” 

“Alright, alright!” Mike called the attention toward him. “Let’s hear from Ben and Beverly. A decade of being together and now you’re tying the knot. How does it feel?” 

Ben looked to Beverly, who smiled sweetly at him. “Feels perfect,” said Ben simply, but in those two words, he expressed years worth of working toward friendship and partnership that went beyond infatuation. “I’m so happy. And even happier to have my best friends around to celebrate.” 

“This wedding is really about coming together,” started Beverly, “With our friends, the family we’ve chosen, to celebrate love. I think what we have with all of you is rare and...” 

Eddie thought deeply about her phrasing ‘the family we’ve chosen’. He had many issues with his mother, different than Beverly’s father problems but they both came from toxic environments. Kindred spirits in a dark and twisted way. 

With all his thoughts lately, he had pushed down how his mother would react. He may never tell her, if he could help it. Her religious views left no room for tolerance on the subject. 

He shoved thinking about his mother deep in a box in his brain and focused on Beverly, who was still speaking, “...so just thank you for being there for us. Anyway, let’s fucking celebrate!” 

They all cheered, Eddie looking around with a smile on his face. With his ‘chosen family’ he could trust them to love him no matter what. 

As the night wore on with lots of laughs, food, and stories. Ben brought up the story of when he finally got the courage to ask out Beverly, “I was waiting outside of school, sweating profusely, despite wearing 2 sweaters…”

“You always wore so many layers!” said Bill laughing. 

“Well, when you are fat and subconscious, that’s how you hide it.” Ben said, voice lowering a bit in embarrassment. 

“Ben Handsome now shows off his true glory and beauty.” said Richie with a wink. “Just the way I like it.”

“Beep- beep, Richie.” Blushed Ben. “As I was saying, I waited outside and she approached me like in slow motion. I thought I was going to throw up. As I opened my mouth to say something she said,” He motioned for Beverly to continue the story. 

She giggled, “I said, ‘Ben, let’s go to prom together’. His face drained of color and he passed out.” The whole room erupted in laughs. “I..I was knocked to the ground!” Beverly tried to say through gleeful tears, “He fell forward into me.” 

“You were a very pleasant landing.” Ben smiled in mortification. 

“You planning to faint at your wedding too?” said Stanley, “As your best man, I will need to prepare.” 

“No, I’m not. I promise.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” said Richie. “I will have a fainting couch ready as a precaution.”

“You’ll probably just jump in front of Beverly and take one for the team,” piped Eddie.

“Speaking of the wedding,” Stanely rounded on Eddie and Richie. A dread bubbled in Eddie’s stomach. “You two having to bring dates is the smartest rule. I should have thought of that for my wedding.” 

Richie threw his napkin at Stanley’s face, “Don’t make me take YOU as my date Stan the man.” 

“You could never get this, Trashmouth.” 

“I can get whoever I want. Right, Eds?” 

“Don’t call me that.” Eddie mumbled. “While we are on the subject, just so no one is surprised, I might bring someone who none of you would expect.” Eddie felt his knee being squeezed from under the table. It took him a moment to realize it was Richie’s hand, he was giving a warning. Most likely telling him to keep the details limited, but Eddie hoped it was a touch for encouragement.

“Please, don’t bring Myra.” said Mike making the group groan collectively. 

“Now, that would be unexpected.” Richie snickered.

“Eddie, you’re not actually thinking…” said Bill seriously. “Beverly, if they get back together I blame you.” 

“Me?!” Beverly opened her mouth to fight but Eddie interrupted. 

“Hello! Back to me, losers. I am not bringing Myra. I am not even interested in women!” The words slipped out quick, and he wished they could be suctioned into his mouth once more. 

They went quiet, as the news hit them. Mike was smiling at Eddie. He felt his bravery trickling into cowardice the longer none of them said anything. 

“S-so does this mean,” began Bill. “That you-you’re g-“

“Gay? Yes, stuttering Bill.” Richie answered seeming to be frustrated by Bill’s condition for the first time in a long time. Then a chair screeched out and Beverly ran around the table, slamming herself into Eddie. 

Her soft hair tickled his neck, his heart was calming down from her sudden show of affection. He placed a hand on the arm she slung over his chest. Richie’s hand hadn’t left his knee either. Everyone else’s reactions were fairly standard, awkward congratulations or they were proud of him, all expected. The surprising reaction was Stanley, perhaps because he didn’t react at all. He was silent for the rest of the evening. 

As they all stood outside saying goodbyes, Stanley seemed to linger a little aways from Eddie. He waited for the rest to leave, Richie was the last to hug him and head to his car. He wandered toward Stanley hesitantly. The taller man was twisting his key in hand repetitively, tapping his foot methodically. 

“So,” Eddie begun lightly, “I’ll see you later?” 

“Yeah,” answered Stanley stiffly. Eddie cocked his head to the side trying to meet his friend’s eyes, then gave up turning to leave. “How do you know?” Came his voice clearly from behind.

Eddie turned around, a few paces away. “Know what, Stan?”

“That you’re into guys.” 

“Because I just do?”

“How long have you known?” 

“Er...that’s more complicated. I mean I’ve been sitting on it for a month but..”

“A month?” interrupted Stanley, he was getting pink in the cheeks. “You’ve known a month and are coming out. That’s not enough time to know.” 

“What’re you talking about?” Eddie was trying to keep his voice calm, he could feel that tingle of rage that surges in him when he feels attacked.

“Have you ever been with a guy?” 

“What does that have to do with knowing whether I am gay? I know that every time I’ve thought of girls it hasn’t been the same as with guys. Or how with Myra...” 

“Ok, yeah! Myra!” He rose his voice like winning some kind of twisted victory. “You were with her for a year and you really didn’t know?”

“Stan, you’re being a jackass.” 

“I am trying to understand why you kept this from us?” 

“From YOU, you mean? Stan, I didn’t keep it from anyone. I was figuring out my shit, then I talked about it with Mike and…”

“You told Mike first?” 

“Um...no…” He caught himself quickly. “I told Richie first then Mike.” 

A hurt flashed over Stanley’s eyes that Eddie hadn’t seen in years. “You told them before me?” 

“Stan...come on. I told the rest of you at the same time. It was just easier to tell them at the time.” 

“I’ve known you as long as Richie has. Much longer than Mike.”

“It’s not about that!” Eddie was at a loss. This was getting nowhere. “I don’t know what to say, Stan. I’m not going to apologize.” 

“There is nothing to apologize for.”

“Then why are you fighting with me like there is?” 

Stanley remained silent. His arguments lost on his tongue. “I am tired. I will talk to you later.” And he walked away. Eddie stood there, stomach twisting the food inside uncomfortably, eyes watery from the sadness creeping in his head.

_________

Thanks for the patience for the new chapter! Longer one cause I apparently had a lot to get through. I am starting a second job soon, but I will keep working on the next chapter as inspiration hits. Don't forget to subscribe!

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[rimalaw]

Why this Non-Trump Voter Thinks Trump Could Win 2020

I am a registered independent and both parties have ideals I agree with, and sadly those I don’t. Therefore, I am always left out and just looking for who will better support some of the more important values that I believe in. I did not vote for Trump, and because I need healthcare (among other things), I cannot support a man who wants to destroy the healthcare plan that I am on, without a real plan in place that will protect people with pre-existing conditions.  Trump says ObamaCare is a horrible program! But what the heck has he offered??? Nothing!  I can't take small talk to the doctor or hospital if and when you take away my health plan, and have to wait for small business enrollment in Florida (1x a year) to kick in and charge me tons of money to cover my pre-existing condition! 

When Bush was President, health insurance was costing me over $1,200/month, and now under the Affordable Care Act (a/k/a Obama Care which is really why Trump hates it... it doesn’t have his NAME!!), I am paying approximately $600.00 a month for a really good plan. Make no mistake, by now my plan would cost AT LEAST $1400.00-$1500.00, since I am 16-20 years older than when Bush was President.  Let me not forget how Obamacare saved the life of my best friend, who would otherwise NOT have gone to the doctor, and not have discovered a life threatening illness, which but for the Grace of God, she did. Because of her health plan, she received the best care and treatment, and thank God survived one of the worst diagnosis one could get.   She got the plan two (2) weeks before she went to the doctor!  This is what Trump wants to take away! Trump wants to take away lifesaving care without a REAL PLAN in place to help millions of Americans.

And make no mistake; sadly, I think people who are on that plan, who rely on this plan, who have family or friends who need that plan, etc. etc. will still NAIVELY and IGNORANTLY vote for Trump. 

Why do I think that enough people would vote for Trump and that he can win?  Well... Let’s think about it:

1-He is campaigning like a high energy Super Bowl Team in all the swing states, bringing with him his own type of electrifying energy, electrifying his base, and those who are still on the fence and can feel some of that electricity as the attendees and media blare their excitement of his visit.  Make no mistake, these visits matter.  When I ran for Judge 14 years ago, I was an unknown an the youngest in my race.  I didn’t have the type of ethnic or Anglo name needed to win in my County.  However, every area that I was able to heavily campaign in, make speeches, meet people, I WON. I didn’t win that election, but I won those areas.  So I realized that meeting people matters, and in this race, make no mistake, these super spreader events excite people.  They don’t care about COVID while they are there, and for the most part have learned to live with it.  They just care that the biggest Super Bowl team came to their town and made them feel GOOD!  I know Biden has toured, but I’m sorry it doesn’t come close. I know he was doing social distancing etc, but the car thing isn’t exciting nor generating the amount of crowds and energy that it needs. 

2-COVID- yes believe it or not, without COVID, Trump might have been up in the polls without issue.  Then COVID happened which threw him down in the polls, and then his apparent lack of handling it, threw him even further down.  Then he got COVID, and believe it or not, even though he didn’t seize the opportunity to come out more contrite, which would have assured him a win, he still earned a lot of points. How: A) because America saw him as human and actually felt scared for their President (even some of the ones that didn’t vote for him); B) America got to see that he BEAT IT!  Yes, he has the best doctors and treatment etc, but America saw that this 74 year old overweight man, who got sick enough to need treatment, still BEAT IT!  So now America sees COVID (foolishly or not) not to be so feared, which deep down everyone wants to believe. These two results of Trump getting COVID actually earned him voters as people felt scared for him and then happy at his beating COVID, signaling the Country and they could too could slay this dragon; and finally C) people are seeing the country economically recover and attributing this to his lack of fear of COVID, and the desire to keep the country out of lockdown which most Americans are fed up with.  

3-Fracking- For the love of God Joe, you don’t denounce fracking like that when you need the swing states in the way that you do.  Instead you CONFIDENTLY say, “don’t worry, our plan is to slowly bring in safe alternate sources of energy while we freely train current workers and so many more (as we will have so many jobs created) to transition into great and even BETTER paying safer jobs. NO ONE WILL LOSE ONE JOB, and I can guarantee even BETTER Jobs for you all.”  But instead, you have Trump in Pennsylvania, and other swing states scaring people that they will lose their jobs.

4-Law and Order-Make no mistake, I believe the police have systemic racism and needs serious training and overhauling.  But Biden and Democrats need to COMPLETELY distance themselves from the anarchist propaganda of defunding the police. That was NEVER a train to ride.  From the first use of those words, BIDEN should have never bitten, not even a nibble. Now with the visual of businesses boarding up, Trump is touting about these rioters and giving the illusion to those voters less capable to comprehend the difference, that this is what the Democrats, i.e. Joe are doing and allowing. From the get go, Dems and Joe should have aggressively, I mean hot tooting crazy like attacked and distances themselves from it. 

5-COVID AGAIN-I wear masks (2), I barely go out, etc, but like most Americans, we are tired of hearing about COVID.  When that is all that you hear, gloom and doom, and Biden talks about dark days, it just doesn’t sit so well.  Strangely enough, to people on the fence now, Trump seems like the guy that wants to give you freedom and a cheery positive outlook of life, while the Democrats, CNN, MSNBC, etc., are painting this bleak picture and more lockdowns, that no one wants to keep hearing about. 

6-The Darn Polls- So many polls tooting a Biden victory whether true or not, are only making on the fence people, the lazy, the unmotivated, the unenergized Democratic voters say, “they don’t need me, ... I’m not so excited.. or Biden will win anyway.” Meanwhile, the Trump supporters are freaking out and making sure they show up in massive droves to help their Super Bowl Team, I mean their guy. Plus, any poll should really discount a lot of points away from Biden, because really, there are a lot of paranoid secretive, conspiracy believing, or seemingly ashamed Trump voters who will not participate.  Remember, a bleeding hard liberal is more likely to be kind to a pollster and answer a poll; and a right winger will say, “I have nothing to say, leave me alone,” hang up, etc...

7-Socialism-Kill this socialism crap- The Dems should have killed this idea long ago, and Biden should have been VERY ASSERTIVE and vocal about how he is for middle of the road values (yes I know this might alienate the Bernie people, but that’s what Bernie is for. And if this party is so crazy to sit out and let Trump win because Biden isn’t left enough, well then the party has bigger issues which no amount of therapy can fix). 

8-The last Debate- Trump basically showed people he is not so crazy, he can have restraint, he wasn’t rude. People who were running away from him after the first debate or on the fence, came back after he showed America and the world that he isn’t so bad. 

9-Strength and POWER- Basically, aside from the fact that Trump often appears to be a bully, lately, more than anything he has shown stamina and strength.  People like that, and want to join the stronger looking team, and the man that never ever seems to stop, and confidently never takes NO for an answer. People, like to support the one that appears to never back down, never accept defeat, never look weak, and never quit!

10-Too many people believe his lies, those of the crazies on Facebook, and the alt right that disseminate the worst of the fake news. Sadly THE DEMS DON'T STRONGLY and DEFINITIVELY ATTACK THEM!! Every talking point should have been hit with a barrage of targeted commercials and aggressive stump speeches. People need to be told for example, “TRUMP brags about the economy, he hopes you have amnesia and forget that OBAMA left him with a booming economy, and only an untrained monkey could ruin it.  All Trump did was NOT destroy it YET, but his tax cuts to the MILLIONAIRES (not you AMERICA making under 400k) will cause us a depression if he is in office four more years because you can only pay so much to help the country without having income we used to rely on coming in.” 

Well, that’s all folks. I hope I am wrong, but if it doesn’t go as the untrustworthy polls show, these are some of the main reasons why. These points are for that small percentage that pick the winner in most Presidential elections, not for the firmly committed of either party. Also, if Biden doesn’t win, then those who protested this summer did not all come out to vote, and that’s shameful! 

[davidmann95]

Velvet's battle is a great choice, though I'll always have a special place in my heart for the fight against the Grimm Deathstalker and the Nevermore in Episode 8. That said, what do you think of the individual members of Team RWBY?

I decided to wait on this until I caught up on the series thus far, which I just finished doing the night before last in pretty much the only time in my life I’ve ever really properly binged anything other than comics, and…wow. I knew RWBY was a thing just as a matter of course from being on this site and Youtube, and from watching Death Battle, so I picked up some major beats by osmosis. But my main impression was that it was a charming pseudo-anime online thing of decent quality that unsurprisingly got heavier as it went along as such things tend to do, with extremely rad fights and music along the way; figured it’d be more than serviceable to watch while I was on the treadmill as a disposable distraction from the agony of propelling my wheezing, sweating, loathsome meat-scaffolding forward.

I did *not* expect it to eventually end up after growing pains a - while far from flawless - intensely engrossing story of all-consuming personal and generational pain and people who choose to love and do the right thing in defiance of that trauma and loss and hopelessness, where also occasionally a corgi gets fastball specialed at mechas. Though once it became clear that’s what it is, it pretty clearly sat at an intersection of a hell of a lot of my favorite things, especially when characters copped in-universe in both the main series and spinoff material that this is basically a superhero thing. My initial impressions re: the fights and music were on-point though.

I actually have quite a few thoughts on pretty much all the protagonists of note at this point (other than I suppose Oscar and Maria. Like them both though, and I do hope that nice boy’s brain somehow doesn’t dissolve into the blender of Ozpin’s subconscious), but I’ll just stick with the core four here as requested for now unless someone asks otherwise. Weiss is the simplest to get at the core of, I’d say: her arc is learning that fuck rich people, actually. She’s a seriously difficult character to get onboard for at first - especially if you’re watching those first episodes for the first time in 2019 - as the mean unconsciously racist rich girl who learns to be less mean and racist but still kinda mean. But after you’ve extensively seen the hideously toxic environment she grew up in, and fully understand her efforts to grow past the empty values it inculcated in her in favor of everything she was raised to think of herself as above, she becomes a hell of a figure to root for. Assuming RWBY is gonna go, say, a respectable 10 seasons given it was just renewed through 9, I could easily see the upcoming 7th be the climax of her arc with her return to Atlas and likely further reckoning with the consequences of her families’ actions beyond how they’ve hurt her personally.

Yang is also, in a certain abstract narrative sense, simple, in that she’s built around the very oldest trick in the book for characters whose main deal is ‘can punch better than absolutely anyone’: give them problems that cannot be solved by punching. Except in her case it’s less a material “well, this person is invulnerable to punching!” or “well, actually this other person can punch most best of all” issue blocking her path than “punching cannot solve depression, abandonment issues, questioning whether what she considers her purpose in life is one she’s truly pursuing for noble reasons or if she even has the resolve for it anymore after what’s happened to her, or PTSD”. Yet, while it may not be the kind that manifests in the form of punching people with a smirk and a bad pun anymore (much as she still definitely does that all the time) what ultimately drives her and defines her is still her strength: to move forward, to forgive, to let go, to do the right thing in spite of the risks. Which could easily come off as some unpleasant “you just have to get over your moping!” dismissal - there’s a bit with her dad that means it saddles riiiiight up to the edge of that - but there’s a weight to how her traumas remain a consistent factor in her life and have shaped her outlook even as her circumstances and day-to-day disposition improve that makes it feel thematically like it’s coming from a place of acknowledgment and endurance rather than denial, even if it’s not handled perfectly. Great to see her apparently recapturing some more of her joie de vivre based on the trailer for Volume 7, and how that’ll interact with how she’s grown should be interesting.

Blake is…tough, because you fundamentally cannot talk about Blake without getting into the Faunus, which is maybe the biggest aspect of RWBY that leaves it in the realm of Problematic Fave. It really, really wants to have something substantial to say about the proper response to racism, and every now and then it pumps out a “capitalism greases the wheels of systemic oppression and vice-versa” or “it’s perfectly reasonable for the oppressed to seek to fight back directly against their oppressors, and even the pacifist in the room can recognize that’s a defensible approach that deserves its place”. But then Abusive Boyfriend Magneto literally murders nuance in Vol. 5 episode 2, and it descends into some borderline “but what about black on black violence” respectability politics shit. It’s the classic X-Men setup - this persecuted race of often superpowered folks torn between pacifism and efforts to prove themselves to their oppressors, and those who think they should rise up and annihilate the flatscans - with most of the same pitfalls, but also we haven’t had over 50 years to get used to that just being how it works here, and it doesn’t have the excuse of having to expand as best it can on a metaphor that was originally devised before most of the people currently handling it were born. All of which would be rough enough, but given I watched this right as Jonathan Hickman’s been completely refining the entire X-Men paradigm outside that outdated binary, it especially grates. I’d love to be directed to any solid counterarguments - I’ve heard it might actually be an analogue, and a well-done one, for The Troubles, which I am one million percent unqualified to evaluate - especially since apparently one of the writers grew up in a mixed-race household, and at the end of the day I’m a white guy who may well be talking completely out his ass. But it sure comes off at a glance as some well-intentioned dudes stumbling through stuff that’s not their business, and that’s inextricable from Blake’s character when so much of her story is her navigating through that metaphor. Hopefully with new writers coming onboard this is something that can be navigated more insightfully in the future.

On a purely personal basis however, Blake’s a standout in terms of relatability when her story comes down to a pretty universal shared horror: how to climb back from having fucked up. She tried really hard to do the right thing, was taken advantage of and led into doing things she eventually realized were wrong, was so shaken that she couldn’t tell who to trust, and then the situation spiraled out of control on every possible front just as things finally seemed to be stabilizing. The way a single mistake - enabled and exacerbated by an abusive past relationship in her case - expands into a self-loathing far beyond the bounds of anything she could possibly be responsible for is brutal and completely understandable, and seeing her start put her self-esteem back together with the help of those closest to her and the power of her original convictions is arguably the single strongest, most clearly conveyed individual character arc in the series. I’m very curious where it goes from here: Adam’s finish represents a logical climax and the setup for a happily-ever-after with Yang (or Sun if they end up going that way after all) for her to coast through the remainder of the series on, but the way emotional consequences have played out in the series thus far I doubt her demons are going to be put to bed that simply.

Finally there’s Ruby, and I am contractually obligated to note up front: she is clearly not a Superman analogue. There is precisely zero percent chance that she was conceived as such or was ever deliberately executed in such a way that mirroring him was kept in mind. Though she IS a super-powered idealist raised in the middle of nowhere with a significant deceased parent who wears a red cape, flies, gives inspiring rallying speeches, has black-ish but primary color-tinted hair, and has a mysterious birthright that involves being able to shoot lasers from her eyes, plus she has a dog who also essentially has superpowers, plus she tells someone they’re stronger than they think they are, plus Yang basically quotes a bit from Kingdom Come regarding her in Rest and Resolutions. But it probably goes a ways in explaining why she works so well for me.

There’s more to it than that of course, though it does bring up the closest way in which she relates to the superhero paradigm: she doesn’t go through an arc in quite the same way as the others, instead being an already solidly-defined character who is simply illustrated by how she interacts with the people and situations around her. She learns and grows and matures, but her most basic motivations and goals and outlook haven’t really changed since the day she enrolled at Beacon. She’s a good, caring person, a leader archetype who still has more than enough personality to spare to keep from falling into the genericism that can often plague that role. A big part of the key I believe is that she’s the audience surrogate in a profound way beyond the obvious touchstones of her frequent awkwardness and self-doubt: the reason she does this is because she was inspired by stories. She’s a fan, ultimately, but one who learned all the right lessons, whether recognizing from day one the way reality falls short of the tales she was raised on but still believing in the ideals they represent, or openly holding up Qrow as a role model while being willing to call him on his shit when push comes to shove. It’s a romantic, hopeful perspective that stands out sharply from even our other heroes even as it mirrors their struggles, but as of yet there’s little to suggest it comes from a place of naivete so much as a belief that it’s the only way to bear the pain of the world and continue to believe in it. Bit by bit it’s clear she’s heading for a breaking point, but all signs point to that being a matter of her ability to withstand what she’s been through, rather than any doubt that it’s necessary, and should that time come she’s inspired plenty who’ll be able to help her back onto her feet the way she has for so many others. So while I understand her speeches apparently grate on some, as far as I’m concerned keep them coming, they’re the beating caring heart of the series and often the sole respite in the eye in the storm.

[thesinglesjukebox]

DUA LIPA - BREAK MY HEART

[7.31]

a/k/a/ "Stay At Home"...

Thomas Inskeep: Dua Lipa's sophomore album Future Nostalgia is a cracker of a pop record; perfectly, consistently upbeat musically even when its words are concerned with bad (or bad-for-her) guys. "Break My Heart" is one of two tracks on the album which interpolate/sample prior pop classics, utilising the guitar riff from INXS's "Need You Tonight" in a smart way and mixing it into a disco cake batter. The way Lipa sings with, instead of against, the riff, is clever and stands out. This single is nowhere near the candy crush of "Don't Start Now," but its smart production gets it over. [7]

Jackie Powell: When I first heard "Break My Heart," on the eve of Future Nostalgia's release, I thought that Lipa had retreated back to the more reserved vocals that we heard on her self-titled debut. While there's less of a vocal confidence on this cut compared to "Don't Start Now" and "Physical," it's the dynamics that make up for it. On "Break My Heart" -- produced by The Monsters & Strangerz and Watt -- it's almost as if the instrumental transitions add a necessary complement and supplement to Lipa's vocal vulnerability, which is appropriate based on the lyrics. The bouncy introductory bassline and timid hit-hat mirror the emotional drive in Lipa's lyrics, but then as her vocal confidence and admittance of her emotions creep in, so do the keyed-in chords. By the second verse, there's a convergence of the bass, a fuller-sounding drum kit, rhythm guitar riffs and a string section that aids the pre-chorus. INXS' opening riffs in "Need You Tonight" have a constant presence, but this is a sample that deserves a bit more respect than, let's say, Rodgers and Hammerstein in "7 Rings." This sample serves as an assist rather than a cop-out. The Monster & Strangerz are absolute pros at finessing a soaring chorus ("The Middle," "Liar" and "Hate Me") and this is what grounds the giddiness in "Break My Heart." [9]

Nina Lea: Like so many great dance pop tracks have done since the beginning of time, "Break My Heart" takes a moment of intense vulnerability and transforms it into something electrifying and superbly groovy. "I hope I'm not the only one who feels it all," Dua Lipa sings, over a relentless beat suggesting the danger that comes with opening ourselves up. Later, in the pre-chorus, she pleads, "I'm afraid of all the things you could do to me." After all, who doesn't recognize the fear of falling in love with someone who might break their heart? But this song knows the answer, as did the dance pop greats that came before: The heartbreak may come, but when the dance floor calls, we must obey. [9]

Tobi Tella: The slow discovery of the beat over the whole first verse, pushing that huge build up only to take it all away with the conversational chorus is a neat trick. It legitimately surprised me the first time I listened, which doesn't happen often. It's the polished kind of slick as the rest of her singles; she just can't miss, huh? [7]

Nortey Dowuona: A slow, loping bass slumbers underneath Dua's soft, unimposing tenor as the glass drums tap in just hard enough, then get pressed down by the heavy, chunky synths. Then the bass lopes back in with their new drum sets with glittery disco guitar trying to holler at them desperately while trying to tape up their wrinkles. The synths snatch the drums from the bass; the bass responds by smirking and producing another set of glass drums, with the dice guitar flapping its wrinkles around the bass. Dua beckons with a group of strings and hands the bass their own guitar, leaving the disco guitar to shake around with the pissed synths. Dua and the bass go home to order Jamba Juice. [10]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: Almost every think-piece imaginable about Dua Lipa becoming the Quarantine Queen has already been written, so I'll keep my thoughts here short and simple: one of the best parts of being forced to indefinitely self-quarantine is getting to hear her sing, "I would have stayed at home/Cuz I was doing better alone," and then patting myself on the back like I'm taking her advice. (It's the little victories that get you through each day.) [7]

Katie Gill: That is a VERY sexy bass. The song itself is also sexy but sexy in a way that we've kind of seen before. It's a pretty good Charlie Puth retread and a catchy as hell Charlie Puth retread but again, still kind of feels like a Charlie Puth retread. [7]

Michael Hong: Compare this with Charlie Puth's "How Long": both exude a sort of funk energy that maybe makes you tap your foot, maybe nod your head, but they're not something you'll want to dance to. Both drop everything except for the bassline before the chorus in the hopes that it will expand the limits of their chorus. But the difference is that while Charlie Puth exhibits a dorky sort of charm, Dua Lipa lacks the personality to make the track have any stakes. "Break My Heart" plays out with a hardness that makes everything sound insignificant. Like there's no reason for attachment, like her heart can never really be broken and like it'll be her ex writing the pathetically desperate breakup tracks while she's long moved on. [4]

Pedro João Santos: Only nine tracks into Future Nostalgia does Dua forgo a bit of control -- a stance she's had since the debut, now rebuilt as pop hubris and a take-no-prisoners outlook on men and sex (as she should). All it took was (another) disco tour de force with the naïveté of "Me and My Imagination", romantic sabotage and INXS. [9]

Alfred Soto: Credits don't lie, fine, but I hear "Another One Bites the Dust" in the syncopation, not INXS. Either way, it's the least interesting single on a most interesting album. The bridge is a window into a poorly furnished home. [6]

Will Adams: A fitting, if disappointing, third single choice for an album whose disco-pop pastiche starts off strong but peters out by the end. Like "Physical," the nostalgia here is mostly surface: instead of Olivia Newton-John, "Break My Heart" nicks the "Need You Tonight" riff and infuses it throughout the song. And that's about it; without the drama of "Physical" or the punchy hooks of "Don't Start Now," it remains a blank canvas that Dua Lipa is incapable of coloring. [5]

Alex Clifton: Look, just go listen to the damn song and then come back and try to tell me that it isn't basically perfect. It speaks for itself. [9]

Juana Giaimo: I never thought I'd say this, but my problem with Dua Lipa is that sometimes her music is too perfect. She follows all the rules exactly to make a pop hit single -- and she succeeds! -- but I miss a little bit of emotion. "Break My Heart" has a funk base, disco violins and spoken catchy vocals. Of course it works, but I still feel I don't know anything about Dua Lipa. [6]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[madara-fate]

Now that Darling in the Franxx is over, could you rank the characters from least to most favorite and why? as well as your opinions about the endgames.

I guess I’ll just stick to the characters from the main group. In which case:

10. Miku - She definitely had the least focus out of all of them and I therefore had the least reason to really care much about her. During the few times where she did get some attention, she didn’t really resonate with me. She just seemed like the typical tsundere with pigtails, and that’s unfortunate considering how a certain other girl with pigtails from an earlier anime by Studio Trigger…

Was by far the best thing about the show, bar none. Nico was absolutely amazing in Kiznaiver (and not just because of how adorable she was!!!), and Miku just kinda disappointed me in comparison. 

9. Futoshi - I had nothing to really say about him prior to episode 11, and then during said episode he annoyed me with his possessive clingyness and his primitive ideals about how the worst thing a man could possibly do is to hurt a girl because that’s just completely untrue, and overly chivalrous sentiments such as this just annoy me, but I digress. He showed a lot of growth following this, but I just wish we got to see more of him and Ikuno interacting as partners, because they weren’t ever really depicted as “partners”, but more like two people who just happened to operate the same FranXX. That was rather disappointing, because I feel like two people who were as different as Ikuno and Futoshi could have made for a very interesting dynamic.

8. Hiro - I won’t call him bland, but I just didn’t find him interesting at all. He had a few good quotes here and there, with perhaps one of my favourite quotes in the whole show coming in episode 21 where Hiro said “I don’t live to fight anymore, I’m going to fight to live”. That was a very good line for him and was very applicable to all of them. But overall I just found Hiro to be rather “meh”.

7. Kokoro - I liked how as the show went on, she grew out of her shell and stopped hiding behind a smiling face that just went along with whatever her peers desired. She began to be more assertive, both in regards to voicing her opinions and in her romantic advances towards Mitsuru (a lot of which was actually influenced by him from their talks in the greenhouse), and this was nice to see. She obviously didn’t go about voicing her desire to partner with Mitsuru in the best way because she broke her promise with Futoshi in the process, but she acknowledged this and didn’t make excuses for her actions, which was commendable. She followed her heart and actively went after what she wanted, which in itself is admirable considering how they were brought up.

6. Ichigo - She was a character that intrigued me because I was always interested to see how she’d react to certain situations. I found her to be a good balance; she wasn’t the standard tsundere like Miku, she wasn’t the standard “waifu” like Kokoro, and she wasn’t quiet and reserved like Ikuno. I found this balance to be very appealing, and I think this balance of her character was what made her a good leader. She obviously made a few mistakes during episode 14, but what transpired during said episode was every bit Hiro and Zero Two’s fault as it was her’s, and her actions were very understandable under the circumstances, so I never held any sort of grudge. Besides, she then demonstrated a lot of character in the ensuing episodes, so it’s all good.

5. Zero Two - She was the character that added the “spice” to the series, which is always a plus in my book. She was unpredictable and captivating, which always made for high quality viewing and entertainment, and she ticked the box which I always find the most important when determining how much I like a character - their ability to retain my interest and attention. There were instances in which she irritated me though, such as in episode 14 where rather than simply clarifying to Ichigo that her outlook on Hiro had changed after discovering that he was the darling from her past, she instead decided to continue acting like she didn’t care and that Hiro was still expendable to her, which was what caused Ichigo to act obnoxiously stubborn in the first place:

That was utterly stupid on her part… But I digress. Zero Two was undoubtedly the heart and soul of the show. She made the show what it was.

4. Zorome - Towards the beginning of the show, I never would have imagined that he and Mitsuru would end up becoming two of my favourite characters, because they were both such pricks, lol. But I guess character development is a great thing eh? Like Miku, he didn’t really get too much focus, but unlike Miku, the focus that he did get resonated with me very much. Once you get past the brash exterior, you can see how much of a caring person he can be, with a good example being when he shed tears for Futoshi because he was so worried about his friend’s health in episode 16. I really wish that his fascination with being an adult could have been explored further, because episode 10 was very interesting. His conversation with the unnamed elderly woman caught my attention greatly, not least because Zorome found her to be inexplicably familiar. Alas, this was never really touched upon again, which is a shame. That plot point had a lot of potential.

3. Ikuno - With her, I always felt that there was so much more to her beneath that stoic facade, but as the episodes went by I felt that it grew increasingly less likely that she’d reach the potential that she had as a character. Thankfully, the 2nd half of the show showcased Ikuno in a really powerful fashion. Her confession to Ichigo was so well done because the manner in which she explained herself was just so understandable, saying things like how frustrated she felt that the boys were able to ride with her just because of their gender, which is something she could obviously do nothing about. I just found myself nodding the entire way through, and following this, she undoubtedly became one of the MVPs of the group. I don’t think the importance of the research that she conducted following Hiro and Zero Two’s separation from the group can be stressed enough. Hopefully she spent the remainder of her days happy with Naomi by her side, it’d be no less than she deserves.

2. Goro - If there was ever a character who remained consistently great throughout the entire duration of a show, Goro would be up there. He and Ikuno were the only two characters who never annoyed me once throughout the whole show, not even a little bit. But what puts Goro above Ikuno for me was that he was a great character from start to finish, whereas Ikuno took a while to get there. There wasn’t much development to speak of with him, but when you start off great, then this isn’t exactly a requirement. He was the constant voice of reason for the group; he was that safety net which assured you that no matter how mental the group may act, Goro would always be there to bring them back down to earth, and I really appreciated that. 

1. Mitsuru - This guy was development personified, seriously. His transformation from the difficult and pompous person he was at the beginning, to the kind and compassionate person he became later on was astounding :

It was essentially like watching two completely different characters. A lot of his development can be owed to Kokoro, because much like how he helped her break out of her shell by influencing her to speak her mind and become more assertive, she helped him recover from his self loathing as a pilot, and through her unwavering belief in him, he was able to regain the belief in himself. And in doing so, his conceited attitude began to wane, and in it’s place emerged a bundle of fluff who would become “Papa No.1″.

As for the endgames, the pairings were to be expected. I couldn’t be certain of whether a relationship would be canonised between the Goro-Ichigo-Ikuno triangle, but I have no issues with the conclusion.

The reincarnation thing with Hiro and Zero Two understandably caused a lot of controversy but I had no real problems with it to be honest. Maybe because I had already resigned myself to accepting the likelihood that the two of them wouldn’t be getting the standard “happy” ending, long before episode 24. This made it a lot easier for me to accept the ending for what it was, and appreciate the journey that all of them had gone through during the course of the show:

Still though, even without Hiro and Zero Two’s story concluding in a standard happy ending, they were at least able to have a second chance to spend their lives together in peace and happiness, without the hindrances that came with being nurtured in a dystopian state where you’re bred to pilot and nothing more.

[drlaurynlax]

7 Reasons Why Insurance Won’t Pay for Functional Medicine

Functional medicine focuses on getting to the root cause of your problem instead of just treating the symptom.

We are living in one of the worst chronic disease epidemics of all time with 1 in 2 Americans living with a chronic disease (CDC, 2017) caused by preventable lifestyle factors, like nutrition and sleep, and a projected 100,000 doctor shortage by 2030 (Association of American Medical Colleges, 2017). 

The solution? If you’re looking to insurance, you may be waiting awhile, at least if you want an option other than the current model, like Functional Medicine or a holistic doctor.

Practitioners who take  an “unconventional approach” to medicine by addressing the roots of disease, as opposed to managing symptoms like the norm.

Sound Familiar?

If you’ve ever been to the doctor, you’ve probably experienced the healthcare rabbit hole. 

1st Step: Feel sick.

2nd: Step Call the doctor to make an appointment.

3rd Step: Wait 1-4 weeks to get seen. 

4th Step: Go to see the doctor. Wait in the waiting room. Chat briefly.

5th Step: Walk out with a prescription or go down a rabbit hole to see another specialist or schedule another appointment.

We ALL know that rabbit hole: 

The Rabbit Hole of Healthcare

In the traditional healthcare system, it takes an average of121 minutes each time a person seeks medical care just to get seen. The total includes 37 minutes of travel time, as well as 87 minutes at the doctor’s office or clinic—most of that spent waiting in the waiting room. (Ray et al, 2015)  

In fact, the average person only spends 15 minutes of “talk time” with the doctor in a visit (Tai-Seale et al, 2007). 

Couple this with the projection tha,t by 2030, America will have a 100,000 doctor shortage (Association of American Medical Colleges, 2017)—unable to meet the “demands” of the, now, 1 in 2 Americans who has a chronic disease (CDC, 2017) and, Houston…we have a problem!

I’ve been there, got the t-shirt. 

The Scene: Healthcare & Current Insurance Inefficiencies 

I had waited 3-months for the appointment with a local doctor in town. 

Nothing unusual—as the “average” wait time to see a doctor nowadays—especially a specialist—is an average of 24-52 days (Merritt Hawkins, 2017). And, not for anything crazy—just an annual “Well Woman” check up. 

So there I was in a conventional outpatient clinic, after 3-months of waiting to see the doctor, and here’s what went down under my conventional health insurance…

What Traditional Health Insurance DOES Cover

1. OVERBOOKED APPOINTMENTS:

Traffic was shut down to one lane on I-35 in Austin and I was running right on time to the appointment (not early). I called the office on my way to inform them of the situation, to which they said to still come in.I managed to park in the lot right at 8:35 a.m. and race upstairs for my 8:30 a.m. appointment.

Once checking in with the staff, she told me she’d have to call back to the doctor’s staff (which they had already done) to verify I could get “in.” 10-minutes later, confirmation was given—I could go back to the waiting room.

2. DISORGANIZATION:

However, before being released to the waiting room, ANOTHER hurdle…

Front Desk: “Oh wait a second..you can’t see the doctor, you have an HMO plan,” the front desk girl said.

Me: “My doctor faxed it over 3-months ago when I made the appointment.”

Front Desk: “You will need to fax it again if you want to keep the appointment,” the girl said.

(I quickly texted my doctor—one of my colleagues and now friends—and the situation was resolved).

3. A SYMPTOM-BASED APPROACH:

As I sat in the waiting room, I was asked to complete a one-page form.The only thing the form asked me about was…my symptoms, my brief health history (surgeries, family diseases), if I smoke or drank, and the date of my last period. 

That’s it.

No exploration around my current diet, sleep habits, what work I had already done around my gut health, my health goals, my physical activity patterns, food intolerances and beyond.

4. CHRONIC DISEASE SYMPTOMS:

Initially, it only took about 15-minutes once I was in the waiting room to go back to the clinic room. The nurse was very nice and did her routine thing: blood pressure, weight check, heart rate and body temperature. She also asked me the SAME questions on my health form. She was shocked to hear how I had NO diseases whatsoever. My ONLY complaint was chronic constipation. (Apparently she was used to hearing ALOT more). 

5. LONG 2-HOUR WAITS:

After our check in, the nurse left me be…for 2 hours.

At one point in my waiting, she actually asked if she could “pull me” out of my room for “about 10 minutes” to go back to the waiting room in order to see another patient.

So I went back to the waiting room where I waited another 45-minutes…

6. NO APPOINTMENTS: 

I had booked a 10:30 am appointment with a client of mine—allotting for my 8:30 a.m. doctor visit that morning, thinking I’d have plenty of time in between. 10:20 a.m. rolled around and I was STILL in the waiting room. To say the least, I did not get seen, and the nurse told me she’d call back that evening to reschedule…which did not happen.

The Solution?: People Want to Take Their Health Into Their Own Hands

Many people are looking to take their health into their own hands—with at least 80% of all people seeking out advice on search engines like Google alone (Pew Research Center, 2013). 

Others are looking for OTHER options (like holistic doctors, health coaches and functional medicine providers). 

According to a report from the National Institute for Health in 2015 alone, researchers found that about 1 in 3 Americans were utilizing some sort of alternative or holistic care out of mainstream medicine (Stussman et al, 2015). 

Fast forward to today, and there is no doubt that those numbers are consistent—if not more—with the job outlook for all allied healthcare providers expected to go up by 2026 according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics (including occupational therapy, physical therapy, personal fitness training, health coaching, life coaching, acupuncture, chiropractic care and naturopathic or functional medicine). 

However, this doesn’t mean these alternative providers are always covered by health insurance. 

A common question we as functional medicine practitioners are asked is:

Patient: “Do you take insurance?”

Functional Medicine Provider: To which we most often reply, “No.”

Although many holistic doctors and functional medicine practitioners CAN submit superbills, and SOME CAN reimburse partially for visits or lab testing, generally most holistic doctors and functional medicine practitioners are cash pay.

Why?!

Let me give you 7 reasons.

7 Reasons Why Insurance Doesn’t Cover Holistic Doctors & Functional Medicine

1. Insurance is NOT Patient-Centered.

Functional Medicine is patient-centered. Instead of focusing on numbers-centered or about getting more people in the door, wee typically take time to review your chart well before your appointment.

2. Insurance is NOT Big on Taking Time with Patients.

Functional Medicine takes time. We don’t rush to get you through our churn mill. Typically, you will spend 1-2 hours for your first appointment so your practitioner can truly get to know your story. The doctor will assess your health struggles and your goals.

3. Insurance is NOT Focused on the Whole Body.

Functional Medicine is a “Whole Body Medicine,” taking into consideration all aspects of your health and life. Those that contribute to how you feel and the presentation of disease. It’s different from an endocrinologist who just looks at your hormones and thyroid, an ENT doc who just looks at your ears, nose and throat, or a psychologist who just focuses on your mental health. Functional Medicine acknowledges a respect and awareness of how ALL body systems impact one another, including:

Gut Health

Brain Function

Hormone Health

Detoxification Pathways

Mindset/Mentality

Cardiovascular Health

Immunity

Thyroid & Metabolic Health

Mineral & Vitamin Status

  4. Insurance Does NOT Address the Roots of Disease.

Functional Medicine does. Instead of looking to suppress or manage symptoms from the top down, we take a “bottom up” approach. We find and address the triggers and root causes of any disease or symptoms a patient is experiencing. These include bacterial overgrowth and SIBO (connected with skin conditions, chronic headaches, metabolic dysfunction, and GI disturbances), or cortisol imbalances (connected with insomnia, anxiety, blood sugar imbalances, and GI disturbances). 

5. Insurance is NOT Focused on Prevention.

Functional Medicine focused on preventing disease, or further decline of health from happening by using laboratory reference ranges (blood work, urine, stool analysis, etc.) that reflect the progression of disease (in order to help reverse it early). We also integrate lifestyle medicine FIRST to support our clients health as a whole. Through a holistic care plan that includes nutrition, supplement, lifestyle healing and stress busting strategies, and physical activity.

6. Insurance Views Functional Medicine as “Quack” Medicine.

Contrary to popular belief, Functional Medicine isn’t about “woo woo” or “voo doo.”  Functional Medicine acknowledges the latest in research to influence and support care. In fact, Functional Medicine is simply an approach to medicine. Healthcare says, “Hey guys, let’s address lifestyle factors FIRST and consider all aspects of health—not symptoms—before turning to medicines or negating other factors of our patients’ modern day lifestyles.”

Functional medicine acknowledges science, reason and research for modes of healing and treatment protocols. If anything, is a compliment to the ever-evolving research in traditional medicine.

For example, with the past 3 years of research on the gut microbiome alone (more than 8,000 studies in PubMed), we know that our gut health definitely influences other aspects of our health, including our mood and anxiety levels (Clapp et al, 2017), our metabolism (Boulange et al, 2016) and brain health (Li et al, 2017). In practice, Functional Medicine is more readily able to address gut healing for all types of conditions and diseases.

Another example: when TIME Magazine leaked the “big news” that the sugar industry paid off the FDA to hide evidence that sugar—not saturated fat—was the driver of all disease, Functional Medicine practitioners could further educate their patients as to why butter, bacon and egg yolks are NOT bad. Mainstream medicine on the other hand? Still preaching that saturated fat and high cholesterol are the number one drivers of heart disease. Nevertheless, insurance companies DON’T always look for the research on their own.

7. Insurance is Stuck in the Good Ol’ Days.

If you’ve ever simply tried to call or fax something to your insurance provider, you know the never-ending hold times. In addition, inefficiencies of modern day health care (seemingly stuck in 1961). Whereas, functional medicine is now integrating more and more tele-health, “biohacking” (alternative therapies and healing supports, like infrared saunas, hot-cold therapy, coffee enemas and herbal supplements), and high-tech EMR’s (medical record systems), Insurance still has you on a “brief hold”and is comfortable doing things they’ve always done. 

Bio:

Dr. Lauryn Lax is a Doctor of Occupational Therapy, Nutritional Therapy Practitioner, Functional Medicine Practitioner, author and speaker, with over 20 years of clinical and personal experience specializing in gut health, intuitive eating, disordered eating, anxiety, hormone balance and women’s health. She’s based in Austin, Texas, and operates a virtual Nutrition & Functional Medicine practice, Thrive Wellness & Recovery, LLC, working with clients and patients around the world. In addition, Dr. Lauryn is a published journalist and speaker. Her works have been featured in Oxygen Magazine, Women’s Health, Paleo Magazine, Breaking Muscle, CrossFit Inc, USA Today, ABC and CBS News.  Ultimately, she loves nothing more than helping others “quiet the noise” in the health food and fitness world.

  The post 7 Reasons Why Insurance Won’t Pay for Functional Medicine appeared first on Meet Dr. Lauryn.

Source/Repost=> https://drlauryn.com/wellness-knowledge/insurance-wont-pay-functional-medicine/ ** Dr. Lauryn Lax __Nutrition. Therapy. Functional Medicine ** https://drlauryn.com/

[thesewomenrulemyworld]

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[thesimpsonsbracket]

Round 1, Match 13

Bart Sells His Soul (Season 7, Episode 4)

The In a Gadda da Vida intro was a wonderful kick-off to this episode and helped to frame Bart's outlook on the topic of the episode. This is one of the few bits from the show I remember from back in the day and to me it's a classic scene.

The intro quickly pivots into the episode wherein Millhouse rats out Bart to the pastor. I liked how readily the pastor believed that it was Bart without any kind of evidence and I'm completely willing to believe that they've had a long and complicated relationship.

And so we see Bart hocking his soul to Millhouse for $5. What follows is a series of comically unlikely events that I couldn't help but enjoy. For episodes like this it's easy for me to turn a blind eye to the absurdity of the plot when it works so well in telling a story and this episode does a wonderful job of painting Bart's slow decline into madness.

It's at about this point that the Moe B plot picks up and I have to say I really like this one. As with most things Moe related, it goes exactly as you expect it to, but this time it's fun to watch the crash and burn happen slowly over the course of the episode.

Episodes like this really do make you feel for Moe, though. He seems to be an incredibly capable businessman with zero charisma and if he ever realized that he could be a millionaire. All he has to do is run the business from the shadows and let a much more likeable person be the face and he's golden.

Anyway, moving back to the main plot, Bart eventually breaks and goes on a mad hunt to get his soul back, leading to a brief Comic Book Guy cameo and then back home the worst depression I think I've seen him in thus far. In a shocking turn of events, Lisa forked over the money to buy Bart's soul back from CBG and all is, once again, well in Springfield.

--- versus ---

Fear of Flying (Season 6, Episode 11)

WOW, what an intro. Starting with the Smithers cameo and onto Homer's rapid fire bar crawl we get a Cheer's parody and one of the most memeable moments from the show, followed by a hilarious fake out with Guy Incognito.

We finally arrive at the last bar in town and Homer fakes his way into having to fly a plane with hilarious consequences. The plane wheels jumping back up into the plane and sending it crashing into the ground was so funny I actually burst out laughing. And now we've arrived at the subject of this episode, free flight for the Simpson family to anywhere in the US (except Alaska or Hawaii).

In the next scene we see Homer deliver one of the most incredible speeches I've see on this show, regardless of character and we also start to see the beginnings of Marge's plane fear, which we see come to fruition in the very next scene.

We can see that Marge is shaken by the near-flight experience and begins to slowly descend into insanity (which seems to be a recurring thing with this family). Homer is refusing to spend money on a therapy for Marge, trying instead to use a radio psychic and then a movie treatment.

Side note: I love Homer's callback to It's Raining Men, his favorite song which Moe threw out of the jukebox when he was kicked out in the intro. I also love the VHS rental store's name: VHS Village (formerly The Beta Barn). Little things like this are distinctly Simpsons and it carries over into Futurama as well and it's something I've always loved about that show.

Finally, Homer cracks and Marge gets proper therapy. There's a bit of a weird disconnect here where we see Marge in her session and then she's leaving with Homer and he starts complaining about nothing. Marge says she's just left her first session and then we immediately cut back to her in the chair again and it seems like the whole scene was cut like this just to make this joke and I'm not sure it was worth it.

This happens again about a minute later after a childhood flashback where I'm reminded that Patty and Selma are Marge's sisters but this cut back to Homer being increasingly paranoid feels less out of place. We get a great but very odd Lost In Space dream sequence. Marge finally starts to get to the root of the issue as she uncovers a traumatic childhood memory of seeing her father as a steward on a plane. From here we get a series of plane-related flashbacks from Marge's youth that are interesting but ultimately just an extra gag.

The ending of this episode sadly fell a little flat for me and I feel like this could have been comfortably broken up into a two-parter in any other tv show but being crammed into one episode we get what I feel is a weak payoff from Marge. The very end of the episode is also a bit of a flat note as we see Marge getting up the courage to take flight again, only to have the plane fail to take off and skid off the runway into a lake. No big payoff for her overcoming her fear and I don't think the memories that were uncovered were particularly interesting, which is unfortunate. I feel like out of all the family Marge is the person I know the least about and I was excited about getting a look in at her past but this feels so insubstantial as to exist solely for a one-off joke.

--- verdict ---

This is a tough one. Even as I'm writing this now I'm not entirely sure which way I'm leaning. Both episodes were great and while Bart Sells His Soul was evenly good throughout, Fear of Flying had higher highs and lower lows but I think it averaged out to be about the same.

Even though I don’t think the main plot lived up to what it could have been, there were so many moments in Fear of Flying that made the episode worth it anyway and I think I have to give it the win here.

[sammlethal]

Anyone ever tell you that they do not love you? At that point when you have stars in your eyes and that person fills your heart to bursting? Have you ever given someone every single emotion there is to give? From rage to tears of joy? Emotions from both your personal stock and theirs?

Its like we live in a time period where actual love is dead. Everything is selfish. Everyone. Me included.

My father quit on me. Packed all mine and my siblings belongings into small plastic shopping bags and dropped us off 6 hours away in my mothers neighborhood, not sure which house was hers. I had to hold my brother and sister's hands while knocking door to door, looking for my mom. I was 12.

That was a couple years after the era of beatings, after the era of divorce. After that Friday afternoon day at school; my mother was the school bus driver before the divorce. Everyday we rode home with her. Until my father picked us all up. It was fun for us kids. We NEVER got picked up, and by our father! What a thing! He drove us to our pastors house. We did not see our mother again for almost 5 years. In the State of Virgina, in the late 90s, it wasnt considered kidnapping for a biological parent to take off with the kids if they stay within state lines. And my mother must have given up after that. I imagine the evil that was my real father, and how crushed and scared she must have been. Only now do I know what it is she felt.

That was after the molestation of me and my sister by our God father/Sunday school teacher/the churches singing coach.

Then there was my first love. I was 17. She was 16. By 19 we had a daughter, her name is Serenity. My ex was a freak. My demanded things from me that I could not give her, not physically. So in order to keep her and my kid, I let her have her satisfaction and pleasure.

I guess someone screwed her over because she fabricated these fake police reports about a guy who kept coming after her and she said she called the cops over and over and he wouldnt leave her alone (she was 6 months preggo when this happened) and she didnt feel safe and I beat him up. I beat him up bad. Almost killed him. Turns out she lied and he had been paying her for preggo nude flicks and videos amd she felt he still owed her money. So she used my insecurities and my nature and set me on a course that led me to 5 years in prison. Then she left me. Yeah I know. I'm a fucking idiot. My only defense was that i was young and dumb and in love. Or so I thought. No really...i thought it was the right thing. That I was protecting my small, new family. And damnit man, family means the world to me. Probably because mine has been so fucked up lol.

Anyways I get out in 2015 and I meet a girl. She rocks my world in all new was and we CLICK. Like...humor and taste and the world issues we care about and nerdy things and the SEX IS ON FIRE. And I fucked up. I fucked up bad. I broke her heart. I got drunk. I started the road to becoming my biological father.

Then she left me. Which was biggest, greatest thing she could have ever done for me. I went spiraling out of control and ended up living in the woods.

Until she calls me one day. I had a new girlfriend. We did not CLICK lol...and as soon as me and her spoke I turned to that girl and told her we were not gonna work out.

You see. Me and my lady had a son together. A beautiful, handsome as hell and adorable baby boy. And he really became my world. I walked 7 miles to meet him. My feet had popped blisters by the time I got downtown and saw them. The whole time I'm walking I'm hopping she didnt leave. That she would wait. And she did.

Then I messed up again. I scared her. That time between when we broke up and when she came back...i did not do good. I found cocaine and alcohol and it led to a very big fight between the two of us. That night we fought I have never been more like my father than right then and there. And I payed for it. The next morning I was arrested. No one thought of rehab. No one had the sight to see the root of the issues. Or no one cared. It was back to prison for me. A parole violation.

I got out. We tried again. I failed again. Only this time nothing horribly bad had happened. She just wanted an escape. I know this because she has since told me so. That she wasn't IN LOVE with me and needed an escape. We had been split up almost a week. I will never forget. It started on a Wednesday night, I left and went to my mothers. That following Sunday the police beat down the door and arrested me AGAIN. Only this time nothing bad had happened. Not really. She just didnt want to be with me. And so she sent me away. For two more years. 2!

I get out. I find peace finally. I start taking care of mental health.

She comes back! Again! And once again I leave my girlfriend at the time, who by the way, had a heart of gold and did not deserve to get caught up in mine and my lovers drama. I will forever feel guilty about that and I hope she forgives me over time. But at the end...no one can replace my son's Mother. She is my other half. My best friend.

We've been going since April? May? It had been a few years and I had just gotten out a few months before and the Covid just hit so I was trying to get the family court papers started. I got in touch with a private detective to find her so I could have her served. The the last thing I expected was to get a call from her.

And here we are. I am struggling to learn all the important, fundamental life lessons that my parents failed to teach me. I am struggling to learn those crucial relationship lessons we learn when in our twenties...that era of my life that was spent locked away.

All i want is my family. Is to be loved. And to ve able to return that love. My life could have went a few different ways. But here I am, doing the right things as much as I see them. I beat myself up when I fail. I work hard doing general construction. I'm good at it too. I start school in the spring. Nothing fancy just community college. I am an awesome dad. An awesome lover. And I have a huge heart.

ALMOST every single day I am with my little family. My son's Mother and my son. She doesnt want me to move in...which I understand. She claims to be an introvert. Which I also understand. (Along with beating, my childhood was also spent locked in my room, grounded, for days on days on days).

And dont get it wrong. Me and her have some issues. Mine (I think?) are just basic life things I'm trying to wrap my head around, like I said, the things my parents failed me on. But at least I know that. I admit it. And I'm trying. Because I'm a good man who has been through hell and because of that hell, I love with a feirceness, I don't give up. I am patient. And I generally have a positive outlook on life. I would I am doing good, all things considered. Her issues? Jesus fucking Christ. You would swear the world is ending right now.

She is constantly breaking up with me. For example, this weekend I gave it to her in a way neither of us have had...im talking sex here...we both have this...fetish, both of us (how rare?) And we both click when we do these things. Anyways I left her empty of all juices. Then I massaged her a little that night, telling her how good and amazing she is. Then another nice massage a day or so later. She thanked me after the last one (massage I mean)...saying how her back didnt hurt in the morning and how she got her yoga done.

And now we are broken up. Right now. Again. It was last week when it happened. She calls me on Wednesday or Thursday and says that I got in her head. Then this awesome weekend happens. Then an awesome start to the week. Then tuesday, doing construction, I think i pulled something in my leg or gave myself a small hernia, because after work I was in pain and sore. I asked told her I wanted to stay home. Rest up. That the next day we were supposed to start this big window replacement job. 20 something windows. But no. We argued over it. I dont know why. I think she just really missed me. Or so I thought. And said she needed help with our son. She always says that, then when i get there and dinner is over, the rest of her night is spent on her phone (which she is sneaky with), on the TV, or MAYBE catching up on homework. Says she is tired after a long day of working from home, on the phone and computer. Doing IT. But I do physical labor. And if I complain that I am sore or tired she just thinks i want to sit at home on my PlayStation or watching netflix, instead of taking the responsibility to be there for our son. Which remember, I am ALWAYS THERE. Unless she has decided that I am horrible, in which case she breaks up with me, and I spend the next couple of days hurt and crying and missing my family. I can not move in with her and my son. She does not want her family to know. (My mother told me she would disown me if me and her got back together. But it did not stop me. Because i am a man, and she is my woman. He is my son. And this is my life)....and is so stressed and anxious that will find me over there. I have actually, more than once, had to run and hide because her family popped up.

So yeah, I walk over there. This was Tuesday. The day when I think I pulled a muscle. I walked. She says that the only reason I walked was because she had to yell at me. But man...see these text. You would swear I am the world's largest dick head. In reality she said all these things in front of my son. That night I touched her. Massaged her just a little...soft touches. We made love. I woke up throughout the night with leg cramps. Woke up the next morning so tired from lack of sleep and hurting leg muscles. Called the doctor. Had to miss work. Turns out that yep, I gave myself a small hernia. Then WALKED on it lol.

So when we talked yesterday. I told her that the doc is pretty sure I have a hernia...my appointment was today and yes...yes I do have a little hernia. Doc wants me to rest but I'm pretty sure I have to work. Anyways so yesterday, before she picks our boy up from daycare (by the way, kuddos to you moms who work from home AND have kids to deal with at the same time. You girls are superheros!)...which I agree with daycare. He is an only child and he needs interaction with other kids. It's important for his development. Anywho, she ask me before picking him up if I want to come over. I tell her no, tell her what the doc said. By this point I have been there everyday since Friday. While on parole and breaking cerfew and worried about that. (Which I got questioned on. If I didnt worry about parole before, why now? And I dunno. Thats way of anxiety? But good thing I did because he came by this morning and I was here. Had I been there with her, I would have been here and would be on my way to a big ole parole violation. But no. In her eyes I dont do enough. I have to be there every day, no matter if I'm sick or sore or in pain. That is what she said. That a real parent never quits.

I'm just so confused. I didnt quit. He can come over here to my place whenever he wants. Ive told her this. I have told him that. Of all nights for the two of us to stay at our respective homes, last night was it. I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN AND CAN BARELY MOVE.

But she broke up with me again last night. Or better yet, said that we have been broken up. She said she doenst love me anymore.

How? Literally all we do is laugh. Have amazing sex. We are awesome parents. I literally dote on her. Massage her. Touch her softly. Like for real, I EMPTIED her of all juices, have seen her cry...actually cry, from pleasure. She makes 50x more money than I do, but I still give her money because I don't want to feel like a burden.

I dont get it. I really don't. I give the shirt off my back. Gave myself a hernia. All I want is belong to a family that doesn't quit when the anxiety comes. Who doesnt take a lifetime of anxiety and stress and then blame it on someone else simply because they are what is in front of you at the moment.

How can someone be so smart and not see that? Or not want to?

Its 2020. We live in a world that encourages us to lie to ourselves. To lie to ourselves about our nature. We all believe we are good. Harmless people. Who would never hurt anyone or cause ill will. What we fail to see is that yes, we do cause all of these things, and then some. We are not perfect. We are human. We will hurt other people. We will lie. The great tragedy of the world isnt this in and of itself...these different hurts and heart aches are as old as humanity is....war, peace. Love and hate. The great tragedy is that we have been led to believe that we are beyond that, that we good, perfect people. And so when we do hurt others, its not our faults but theirs because how can I, this wonderful human being in the modern age, ever hurt someone? I have a car, a job, I'm a good parent. I'm a good boss. Whatever it is. We justify who we are by our level of success. And this is wrong.

And when she ask me why I love her after everything. Those moments when we both see the truth and see who we are, those are the moments when she ask me how I'm the world I can actually love her knowing all this. Dealing with all this. How? And I dont have the answer. I just know that my heart beats for the two of them (her and my boy) and it always will and I really hope one day she comes around. I'm waiting for that.

Some men find that one lady, that one lover, and there is nothing else after her that we want. She has it all. And that is me. That is her.

I love you

[socialattractionuk]

Dating After Divorce For A Man | The Comprehensive Guide (step-by-step)

Dating after divorce for a man – In this article, I’m going to go through the exact steps that you should be taking if you are divorced and you would like to start meeting and dating more women.

The first thing that I’d like to draw to your attention is that things have probably changed since you last dated, and I understand that this process can be very daunting. Yet at the same time, the great news is that it is also the inception of the next part of your life. With the correct directed actions, you can begin to start taking control.

Moreover with the new free time that you’ve recently got, you can leave the darkness of your divorce behind you, and you can look at the light to your future. I’ll also be covering some FAQs about dating after a divorce for men in a later section. So let’s get started.

Dating after divorce for a man #1 – Set your dating intent

The first thing that you should do after a divorce is to set your intent from dating. In essence, this means that you write out what the ambition is for the next period of your life. If you’ve been dating and married for 10, 20, 30 years, and you would like to know what it is like to date multiple women and to have shorter-term relationships, then that is part of setting your intent. The process begins when you take out a pen and paper, or you do it on your computer and you just write out what your intent is.

Now bear in mind there’s a difference between setting a goal and setting your intent. And for me, intent is way more powerful because it’s less stressful. So my intent is to just meet more women and speak to them when opportunities arise. That’s a really good intent. My intent is to online date and to message a certain amount of women per week. Again, that’s a really nice intent. It’s not outcome orientated and it’s within your control.

Setting your intent also allows you to leave the past in the past and automatically focuses your mind on the future. To be fair, a divorce can be very messy. It can be emotionally painful and it can be traumatic. So just changing your outlook from looking behind you to looking in front of you will immediately make you feel better, and it will feel like your life is more in your control and you can start taking the next steps towards that next period of your life.

Dating after divorce for a man #2 – Join a new gym

The second thing you should do after a divorce if you’d like to get into dating is to join a new gym. Now, if you’ve already been training at a gym or you don’t train currently, going somewhere new to train can make an instantaneous impact to your life. Having new surroundings will get the endorphins flowing; you’ll meet new people; it will feel like a new you. This is part of the ritual of going into that next chapter of your life and leaving the past in the past.

Also, when you’re at a new gym, you can meet more women there. Additionally, you can also meet more guys to become potential friends with, and that you can go on nights out with. Or if they’re also single – or even if they’re not – they may be able to introduce you to some of their single female friends. So going to a new gym is great.

When you first walk in, my advice is simply being sociable. Just talk to everyone. The first time you see someone, just say hello, then the second time you can talk to them a little bit more. But over a period of time, when you go to a new gym, it establishes the new you, and it also gets you out of that rut; gets you training again; gets the endorphins and adrenaline going. It also gives you somewhere to be at a set time.

Indeed, one of the most difficult things that can happen after a divorce is that you now have too much time on your hands. So actually going to a gym at a set time, however many days per week, gives you structure. It gives you organisation and it gives you somewhere to be, and it is less time thinking about the trauma of your past and more time working towards your future.

Dating after divorce for a man #3 – Reflect honestly and take accountability

The third thing you should do after a divorce if you want to get back into dating is to reflect on what happened in your life and to take accountability and also responsibility. This means not solely blaming your ex-wife, her family members or anyone else for what happened. Instead, you have to look in the mirror and take responsibility where due because the moment you do that, you begin to realise that your life is in your hands and also in your control. Now there are a few different things that you can do here that will help you.

So the first one is to journal and that is to take out a pen or do it on your computer , but simply write out what happened; how you feel about what happened and how you would do it differently the next time around. That is a very cathartic way of letting go of your past.

The second thing that you can do is you can get into meditation, which is just a way of clearing your mind to give yourself mental clarity. When you do that, it will give you distance from your problems and it will allow you to automatically reflect on what happened in an objective way.

And the final way of reflecting (which is for me is the most powerful form of reflection) is when you do an emotional clearance, which is where you think about the things that are affecting you emotionally. This entails closing your eyes and giving those feelings a colour, you focus your attention on them. And eventually, they flow to the colour of white. When you do this, you are processing those emotions. You’re not repressing them. Instead, you’re allowing them to bubble up to the top. You’re not being scared of them. What happens is there is a calmness that comes at the end of that process.

If you would like to know exactly how to do that, then just type into YouTube, Gary Gunn, emotional clearance. And there’s a video of me showing you exactly how to do that process. I understand divorces can be very emotionally traumatic, and so if you need help here, then you can just watch those videos. You can do them alongside me, and it will make a massive difference to your mental wellbeing.

Dating after divorce for a man #4 – Take my dating confidence course

The fourth thing you should do after a divorce to get back into dating (and this is the most important one) is to take one of my dating confidence courses on Skype.

Now, the reason why I’m suggesting this is because – from the comfort of your own home – you’re able to have a coaching session with me and my female coaching assistants where you can practise specific scenarios, such as approaching a new girl you find attractive, going on a first date, flirting strategies, going on a second date, how to demonstrate empathy and connect with women. And all of these can be learnt from your own home via Skype. This is a really great way of building up your confidence.

Just to give you a quick and relevant story here.  I recently took on a client who has been single for 35 years as he had a negative experience with a woman in his twenties which affected him deeply. I started coaching him via Skype. And after 35 years of being single, I’m sure you could imagine the lack of confidence that he had in his life. However, by going through the dating role-plays he was able to meet, attract, and then start dating a woman that he met online. So that’s the power of what you can do just from the comfort of your own home, just by taking the steps to invest in yourself.

Dating after divorce for a man #5 – Online date to ease back into dating

The fifth dating after divorce for men tip is to online date as a way of easing yourself back into it and talking to new women. Now online dating can actually be very difficult because I think roughly between 60 to 70% of users are male. Now, this shouldn’t put you off as, in my experience, you can do very well online dating if you use the correct sites. I believe Match.com is more of a serious site for people that are really looking to meet someone.

So this would be the dating site that I recommend you use because it will allow you to meet the right type of women if you are recently divorced; the reason being that the users are generally more serious as they’ve had to invest in the site rather than using the free dating sites, where you tend to get a lot of time wastage.

So sites like Match.com are very good ways of meeting women. I’ve written a book called An Education In Online Dating, which you can get on Amazon if you want help with what photos to take and how to write your profile – we also a full online dating makeover for men.

Dating after divorce for a man #6 – Join a social club or improv class

Now, the sixth thing that you can do after a divorce to get back into dating is to join a social club or improv class, or anything really where you’re developing yourself in a new way. Improv comedy classes are great, and you can also do them online. They teach you how to be more in the moment and how to be fun and spontaneous. It’s also an opportunity to meet other people with similar hobbies. I’m a big fan of taking classes or doing something you wouldn’t normally do, where you can meet new and different people and also develop your life at the same time.

So this could be anything that you’ve always wanted to do. If it’s a fitness goal and it means joining a new fitness social club, then go for it. You’ve got the time to do it, but just taking the time to think about what it is you want to do, and then joining a club with other like-minded people will be amazing for you. It will give you a sense of community.

It will give you somewhere to be at a set time, and it will allow you to just start clearing off the cobwebs from your past and becoming that new guy that you want to be.

Dating after divorce for a man #7 – Book an online speed dating event

The seventh and final dating after divorce tip for you is to book an online speed dating event. Now, these are really cool because, again, you can do this from your own house –  just type in online speed dating, you book in, and then you are given a set period from the comfort of your own home where you get to speak to women that you’d never normally meet.

This is a fantastic way of potentially meeting someone who’s serious about dating and is also an opportunity to build on your confidence of getting back into dating, where you can begin to shed the rustiness of not flirting and talking to women.

Dating after divorce for a man – FAQs

I’ve got some FAQs, which I’m going to go through now, and then what I’ll do afterwards is give you a summary of the main topics covered in this article. So here are some of the FAQs:

How to know if I am ready to date after a divorce?

I think to answer that question, we all know internally if we’re ready to meet someone new. We also know whether we want time by ourselves to reflect, to pause and to take some time to think about what has happened in our life. In my experience, I would say is that if you still feel emotionally traumatised than you are not ready to date again, and you’re probably going to go on a rebound and perhaps enter a toxic or unhealthy relationship.

So my advice here would be doing the emotional clearance that I spoke about earlier, start working on attending the new gym and the new goals that I’ve spoken about.

And then when you’re doing those new things and you’re feeling good about yourself, you will then be in a position to start dating again. But if it’s raw, then you want to take the time to reflect, pause, meditate, clear the emotions, sort yourself out, get yourself into the best possible state, and then start getting back into dating to meet more women.

What is the best online dating site to use for divorced men?

I mentioned this earlier. I think Match.com is probably the best one or EHarmony is another.  I’ve also heard people get some very good matches and results on there as well. So these would be the two that I most recommend.

How long should a man wait to date after divorce?

The answer to that is that it’s very different for every person that I’ve ever coached. So sometimes if a woman has broken up with a man, he may need six months to just come to terms with what’s happened. However, if it’s the guy that’s taken the steps to break up with the woman, then they could be ready to date immediately.

So it really depends on your circumstances. There’s no set-in-stone time of how long you need to wait after a divorce. It’s really up to you and when you feel ready.

Why is dating after divorce so hard?

In my experience, it’s hard because you’ve been out of the dating game for so long. You’ve become rusty because you’re not dating. So if you’ve been married for 5 or 10 plus years, that’s a long time. Dating has probably changed tremendously. Maybe there are new apps that weren’t around before. Maybe the rituals of what you do or how you communicate on dates has changed. What I would say is that there’s enough modern dating advice out there.

The Gary Gunn Show podcast, I’ve got over 200 episodes with modern dating advice where you can listen and learn, do your homework, really understand how to date. When you do that, it will make it a bit simpler for you.

And also if you’ve been married to someone, and now then you’re dating again, then it’s about setting the expectations on what they want from you, what you want from them. This can all feel very tricky and very hard. So my advice on that is just to strip it back, take it one step at a time. You should be looking at dating as a fun experience shared between two people, as opposed to trying to date too quickly or enter into a relationship, so strip it back; have the mindset of going back to being in your teens, remember what it’s like to date people and just go out there and have some fun.

How to go on a date after being married for so long?

So for me, formal dates are a big no-no. What I would recommend is that you meet for an afternoon walk. You can grab a coffee or you do something together as opposed to sitting down eating a meal or going for cocktails in the evening. It’s much easier to do an experience together that you share as opposed to trying to do something too formal which adds pressure. So do something light-hearted, something fun. Going for a walk or grabbing a coffee for example.

These are really good things that you can do for a first date. If for instance, you’re feeling a bit more adventurous, you can register for one of the dog walking sites and you can start walking dogs if you’re a dog fan, that’s a great date to invite women along to.

But essentially what you’re looking at doing is making it the smallest investment possible for a woman to join you on the date. And in my experience, if you make that something experiential, it makes it a lot easier and is also way more fun.

Dating after divorce for a man – Summary

So just to give you a summation of this article on Dating After Divorce For A Man: My Definitive Guide, I’m going to go quickly through the top seven for you to take away, to think about and to implement in your life.

Dating after divorce for a man #1 – Set your intent, take a pen and paper and write out exactly what your ambitions are with dating.

Dating after divorce for a man #2 – Join a new gym as this gives you new surroundings, gets the endorphins flowing. You’ll meet other guys there, and meet other women there.

Dating after divorce for a man #3 – Reflect on what happened in your life through meditation journal writing and emotional clearances to get yourself ready for your future and to leave your past behind you.

Dating after divorce for a man #4 – Take one of my dating confidence courses on Skype. These are a safe, secure, and easy way to build your confidence with women from home.

Dating after divorce for a man #5 – Online date as a way of easing yourself back into dating and talking to new women.

Dating after divorce for a man #6 – Join a social club, improv comedy class or anything that gets you meeting like-minded people having somewhere to be. You’ll have fun and learn something new.

Dating after divorce for a man #7 – Online speed dating because it allows you to just book in from home; get your webcam set up and just go on loads of really quick dates as a way of building your confidence and meeting more women.

Would you like to work together to increase your dating confidence?

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Gary Gunn – Founder of Social Attraction

Hi there, I offer a range of different ways that I can help you to increase your dating confidence.

Including live training events, skype video coaching and online dating makeovers.

For detailed 1-1 advice on how I can help you to get better dating results then feel free to book a free consultation where I will be happy to help.

  MORE: How To Get Back Into Dating | The Ultimate Guide (Top 15 Ways & Videos)

MORE: Dating Coach For Men | The Ultimate Guide (With Videos & Illustrations)

MORE: How To Seduce Women | The Ultimate Guide (With Videos & Illustrations)

  Want to develop your dating-confidence? – View our upcoming courses here

[seriouslyhooked]

Some Call It Magic (A CS AU) Part 14/?

When Killian Jones moves to Storybrooke he instantly senses something strange about this little town in Maine but he’s willing to overlook all the bizarre signs for one reason: the single Mum living next door to him. There’s only one problem. Killian is nearly positive she’s a witch, a brewing potions and casting spells witch. But when true love is involved, does a little thing like magical powers really matter? Story rated M.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9,Part 10,Part 11, Part 12, Part 13. Also On FF Here.

A/N: Another week has come and gone which means it’s time for a new chapter of ‘Some Call It Magic.’ This installment brings us to a Storybrooke Thanksgiving and will include all of the big players I have introduced in this AU so far. As such there is lots of cuteness in store for all of us, and some good set up for all the fluff still to come in the chapters ahead. Let me know what you all think and thanks as always for reading!

Staring down the overflowing mass of ingredients on top of Killian’s kitchen counter this Thanksgiving morning, Emma knew that she had only so much time to make a meal that would at once be spectacular and feed all of the people that were coming to share in the holiday this year.

Usually they were a pretty large group between all of Emma’s friends, their significant others, and any other neighbors who might just decide to ‘pop by’ last minute, but this year with the addition of Killian and Liam Emma had increased ambitions to make it a special spread. She was crafting all kinds of ideas about where to take this in her head, and though she’d been considering this day for a while now her final decisions would still come down to the wire as to what dishes would make the cut and grace their Thanksgiving table this season.

“Wow, Mom. Even for you this is a lot of food.”

Henry’s words were uttered from where he stood across the kitchen and Emma laughed aloud when she heard them. Her son wasn’t wrong by any means, and there was way too much food for all of them even with the added two mouths to feed (especially considering that Ruby and Mary Margaret were bringing multiple dishes as well), but that had never stopped Emma before. After all, half the fun of Thanksgiving dinner was figuring out how to use leftovers in a creative and satisfying way for the week thereafter.

“I have to admit, Swan, the lad has a point. Can all of this even possibly be prepared by dinnertime?” Killian asked as he came to stand beside her.

“Definitely,” Emma stated with total confidence as she leaned into Killian’s touch when his arms wrapped around her.

“If you say so,” Henry responded, shrugging his shoulders and then coming around and clapping his hands together like he was ready to get to work. “So where do we start?”

Emma pulled Henry close and kissed the top of his head happily at his eagerness to play a part in this with her. Cooking this elaborate meal together was one of their longest standing traditions and it was one that Emma cherished over almost any other. Thanksgiving had once been a stark reminder of all she didn’t have when she was a child, but when Henry was born it changed Emma’s outlook completely. Suddenly she had family, and though it was incredibly difficult raising a baby and then a little boy all on her own Emma was grateful for her son each and every day, just as she was grateful for the many people who had come into her life and taught her that she wasn’t alone and that there were good things to cherish and be thankful for each and every day.

From that point on the morning unfolded as was to be expected with Emma, Henry, and Killian all playing some kind of roll in getting things ready. It left Emma with a feeling of elation to see how easy the three of them were together and how welcoming Henry was to the change that Killian’s presence could bring. This could have been an awkward moment, and part of the reason Emma had put off dating as long as she did was because she didn’t want to sacrifice her one on one time with Henry. But today proved those old hesitations were misguided or at the very least that Killian was the exception to that now dated rule Emma once held dear. This year actually felt much more filled with possibility and that had everything to do with Killian’s presence and with Henry’s wanting him there just as much as Emma did.

A few hours into the preparations, another addition joined the ranks of their party. Liam showed up in the kitchen later in the morning and when he did he was slightly dissociated from how late he’d slept in after years of being a naturally early riser. But once he was awake with a cup of coffee in hand and some breakfast in his system he was a great help and another positive presence in the fray of the holiday. Liam had jokes just as Killian did that kept them all laughing, and he engaged with Henry in a way that made Emma’s heart so happy to see. They were already bonding almost to the same extent that Henry and Killian had, and since the surest way to win over Emma’s approval was to gain the approval of her son, the already warm feelings she had for Liam only solidified into a genuine gladness that he was here and a part of this day meant for family.

“I have no wish to jinx the current success, love…” Killian said at one point from his spot beside her while Emma was putting in one of the last dishes for the meal. “But dare I say we’re doing rather well with all of this?”

Emma laughed at that apt summary of their current situation, stepping into Killian’s arms despite the smatterings of flour and other ingredients he’d picked up through this process. Then she kissed that optimistic smile of his right there in front of Liam and Henry. Killian was just so darn endearing with his constantly having hope and a positive attitude, and between the accent that always did something to her and the oftentimes elevated way in which Killian spoke that was just the tiniest bit nerdy she was hooked. For her, Killian was the total package and she wanted him to know that even if she couldn’t put all those feelings into words right now.

“I think we’re in the clear. Remember, I’ve done this a time or two before.”

“And she’s not kidding. You know we have almost this exact same dinner in May too?” Henry asked and Killian and Liam both looked surprised at that announcement. Emma meanwhile bit back her smirk, letting her kid explain why they’d have a second Thanksgiving spread at the end of spring. “Yeah! After the first year Mom cooked for everyone, Mary Margaret decided that once wasn’t enough and she decreed that there should be two Thanksgivings six months apart.”

“She decreed it?” Liam asked skeptically. “What is she a queen or something?”

“In another life maybe,” Emma joked, knowing her friend could get a little bossy at times but that it always came from a place of loyalty, love, and wanting to do the right thing. “But it’s not like she had to strong arm any of us. I mean who doesn’t want another day filled with mashed potatoes and pie?”

“I guess I’ll have to take your word for it,” Liam said. “Can’t say I’ve had any Thanksgiving dinners in my life, and certainly none of them, if ever there was one, looked like this.”

Emma could tell that Killian’s brother meant his words as a compliment and she grinned, feeling the same pride that always came when she impressed people with her cooking grow inside her. But if Liam was impressed, that was nothing compared to Killian’s views. He looked at Emma like she was the most awe inspiring thing he’d ever seen and this was a look Emma was growing more accustomed to by the day. Still it always sparked something in her that she absolutely needed to hold on to and that she never wished to let go.

“Trust me, Liam, all it’s going to take is one excellent Thanksgiving and this might just become your favorite holiday ever,” Henry said in a matter of fact tone and this prompted a laugh from everyone that was only interrupted by the sound of the doorbell.

Emma looked at the clock then and saw there was still an hour before her friends were set to arrive. It’s being a holiday there shouldn’t be anyone else showing up that Emma could think of. There was no mail, no deliveries, no neighbors who didn’t already have a place to go for a family-style meal, so Emma was confused. Who would be coming here now?

“Come on, Swan. Why don’t you help me with answering whoever might be here?”

Emma looked over to Killian curiously and she wondered what he was up to. There was definitely a look about him like he wasn’t surprised at a guest this hour but Emma didn’t deny him his strange request even with the air of mystery surrounding it. Instead she took Killian’s hand and headed for the door, leaving Henry and Liam to finish their last task of putting the prepared pies in the fridge. On the way she tried to concoct a list of scenarios that may await them on the other side of the door, but when they got a look at who was actually there on the front steps, Emma was honestly surprised.

“Elsa, hey…” Emma trailed off, shocked to see her least intrusive friend here but still happy that Elsa was coming today. “You’re early.”

“I know. Killian called. He said you guys needed help with some decorating,” Elsa explained as she held up a cardboard box filled to the brim with different leaves and autumnally themed objects.

“We do?” Emma asked, not understanding at all, but then Killian was there, placing a hand on the small of Emma’s back and filling in with his intentions.

“Aye. I was at Elsa’s the other day to drop of those baked goods she needed and I noticed her office was outfitted perfectly for the season. I thought it might be good to have her bring some of that here so the place is worthy of the meal you’re making us.”

Emma appreciated the praise and she smiled at the thought that Killian was including her friends in things, but she couldn’t help but feel like there was something Killian wasn’t telling her. Then he shot Emma a look that silently insisted she trust him as he took the box from Elsa’s arms and he led them back inside to the dining room where they’d need the bulk of any table adornments. Emma meanwhile was growing more and more and curious by the second, but she bit back any open queries and went along with Killian’s plan whatever it might be.

“It smells amazing in here, Emma. Like home and happiness,” Elsa said as she smiled and closed her eyes soaking it all in. At the exaggerated (but still heartfelt) reaction Emma laughed, bringing her friend in for a side hug as they both took a look at the current state of the dining room.

“That’s the goal. But trust me we are so much better off with me on cooking and you on presentation. You remember that first year I had all of you over?”

Elsa muffled a giggle and nodded, no doubt recalling how Emma had tried to create a truly amazing Thanksgiving meal for Henry’s sake that swiftly unraveled into a less than pristinely orchestrated holiday. It turned out that using all natural adornments wasn’t always the best idea (hello accidentally bringing a chipmunk into her house that was hiding in a pumpkin), and that paint needed a lot more time to dry than she’d originally thought…

“Oh I remember alright, and this year I can safely promise the festivities won’t end with Ruby and Anna on opposite sides of a painted gourd fight.”

Emma groaned at the reminder of that part. Here she had been thinking tiny painted squash would be festive and fun, but then her new friends had taken a tiny accidental paint stain on Anna’s cream colored dress and turned it to a full out attack outside. Emma’s lawn had had colored splotches on it for weeks even with the rain, but it had been fun even if at first Emma was mortified.

“I’m sure Killian will appreciate that,” Emma said and she looked to gauge his reaction only to find her man had slipped out of the room. What the heck? What was he up to?

Not two seconds later Emma had her answer when she heard footsteps coming down the hallway and a whispered conversation between the brothers. Emma couldn’t make it out fully, but she sensed that Liam was confused as to why he was being wrangled from where he’d been talking with Henry and that Killian was just trying to get Liam moving through whatever means necessary. Then the next thing Emma knew, the Jones brothers were at the doorway and Killian’s potential plan was more fully revealed.

Instantly a change came over Killian’s brother, and in the moment that his eyes landed on Elsa Emma saw so much emotion roll through Liam’s features. The usually unflappable man looked thrown for a major loop and it was amazing to witness. He stopped dead in his tracks, but Emma felt like she was experiencing every bit of intrigue and excitement and subsequent awkward nervousness that Liam displayed over the course of a few seconds. He was totally enraptured by Emma’s friend, and Elsa meanwhile was oblivious as she stood there removing different elements from her box she wanted to decorate with. It took Emma clearing her throat loudly for Elsa to look up and then Emma grinned when she saw Elsa appeared just as affected as Liam (but in a more understated and better concealed way).

“Do you want to make the introductions, love, or should I?” Killian asked as he slipped back over to wrap his arms around her. Emma turned at him and smirked, so ready to poke fun at his newfound matchmaking skills, but she knew that could wait. For now she needed to put these two clearly interested people out of their misery.

“Elsa, this is Killian’s brother Liam. Liam this is one of my best friends Elsa.”

“Hi,” Elsa offered quietly as she waved her hand in greeting, and to a stranger it would appear that Elsa was just being her usual polite, if somewhat shy, self. But Emma felt the impact of that one word greeting and she couldn’t have been happier. Her friend was totally smitten after less than a minute, and that was a very good sign indeed. Oh crap! Maybe Emma had some of that matchmaker instinct buried in her too.

Liam on the other hand… well he was already gone over Elsa and where Killian had also made no attempt to hide his interest in Emma when they first met, at least he’d been able to form words. Liam just moved towards Elsa and took the hand she’d raised to wave holding it in his. It wasn’t a handshake per se, just an affectionate hold, but where Emma expected some sort of verbal greeting, Liam remained silent with his eyes never straying from Elsa.

“Now might be a good time to fall back on that military training brother. They did teach you proper introductions in the service didn’t they?” Killian joked and Emma shoved his chest playfully to keep him from giving Liam too hard a time, but Liam looked their way for only a split second before he shook his head and collected his thoughts.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Elsa,” Liam said with a renewed sense of smoothness and Emma noticed the slight shudder that went through Elsa when Liam said her name. Her friend was positively weak in the knees and Emma could relate. Killian had a way of bringing out the exact same response in Emma more than was fair, but if she could give Elsa any advice it would be to give in and run with that feeling instead of fleeing from that overpowering surge of emotion as Emma once tried to do.

“Uh, yeah,” Elsa said, still clearly dazed from Liam’s touch that lingered even all these moments later. “It’s nice to meet you too.”

Liam’s responding smile to that practically glowed, and where Emma had seen the man in good spirits before, especially when he was enjoying himself with Killian and Henry, she had never seen him this happy. All the shadows that followed him (that, to be fair, Liam did a pretty good job of hiding given everything he had probably witnessed overseas) seemed to be gone now. It was also the closest Emma had ever seen Liam come to looking like Killian, and she leaned back into Killian’s embrace knowing that he only ever had that look for her because he loved her so much.

“How did you know?” Emma asked Killian a few minutes later when Killian had made their excuses to the new couple that they needed to get back to the kitchen and had asked Liam to help Elsa with her work.

“That my brother would take one look at your friend and fall instantly?” he asked and Emma nodded. “I didn’t. But they’re both good people with kind hearts and I knew that what they both wanted more than anything was a chance at something like what you and I have found.”

“And do you think they’ll find it together?” Emma asked, looking through the doorway as she heard the sound of Elsa’s lighthearted laugh flitter through.

“I think, given first impressions, they might one day come close. But what we have, Emma, could never be recreated. There’s simply no comparison because it’s more than anything else ever could be.”

Emma couldn’t resist pulling Killian in for another kiss when he said that because it was the perfect answer, and yet somehow also true. He wasn’t feeding her a line; this was really how Killian saw them, and Emma felt that too. What they had was different from the norm. There was no equivalent possible and no story quite like theirs. So while Emma believed there was room for real magic between Elsa and Liam if given the chance, she couldn’t believe any love could be as right or as perfect in her estimations as the one she’d found with the guy next door.

“It’s kind of too bad though…” Emma said when they’d come back up for air and she came down from the dazzling haze that Killian’s kisses always brought. His brow furrowed at that and his questioning was obvious. “I mean they only have an hour before the mother hens arrive, and there’s no way they get through this afternoon without a whole bunch of attention.”

“Aye, love,” Killian agreed. “But if you’ll remember, you and I had mere minutes our first time together, and precious little of that was spent alone.”

Emma flushed a bit at that and she remembered that moment when they’d met. It felt like it lasted forever in some ways because her world had been changed by one single meeting, but it was also over way too quickly. She’d missed Killian already after leaving for Stay a Spell with Henry, and it hadn’t made any rational sense because they only just met. But Emma had also been so wary and terrified of love that she didn’t know if an hour would have been right for them. No. Thinking about it now, she knew things had to go exactly as they had for them to get to here, a place so worth being Emma wouldn’t trade it, even for an easier path to love.

The next hour went by quickly, with Emma and Killian trying to give Elsa and Liam their space (and convincing Henry over and over again to do the same) while indulging in a little light eavesdropping every now and then. They weren’t perfect after all, and as guardians of this new potential attraction between two people they deeply cared about, Emma and Killian reasoned it was in everyone’s best interest to make sure things went smoothly as long as they could. But eventually reality did come knocking and when it did, the whole gaggle of friends was on the other side of the door all at once.

“Wow,” Emma acknowledged as she and Killian greeted them all. “When did you guys start traveling in a pack?”

“It’s just good timing,” Anna explained as she waved her hand in the direction of all the others. “But I don’t know about Elsa. She wasn’t at home when we went to grab her. Maybe she’s at the office?”

“Not quite,” Emma said before explaining that Elsa had come over to do some decorating. This took everyone by surprise and then, in what Emma had to consider an amateur move, Killian mentioned that Liam was helping her and had been for a while.

Emma saw a look on every friend’s face at the mention of Elsa with an eligible man that was all too familiar and spoke to real trouble. It told Emma there would be no mercy in the coming dinner, and that the meal would be filled with over the top hovering and thinly veiled inquisition. Emma, however, didn’t want that to happen, so she pulled Killian outside with her and shut the door, intent on giving her friends some instruction before they came upon the potential new couple.

“Okay, listen up, because I am only going to say this once. There might perhaps be some chemistry between Elsa and a certain foreign sailor – but we will never know how much there could be if you all get crazy and smother the spark right from the get go.”

“Crazy?” Mary Margaret asked as a hand came over her chest like she was almost offended. It was a ruse though because Emma could read her like a book and Mary Margaret had a hundred questions and little tests of love being written up in her head right now as they spoke. From the expression on David’s face as he stood beside her, he could see it too, but he only smiled at his wife with a look of pure love and adoration. “We’ve never been crazy, Emma. Just… interested.”

“Right… well today let’s all do the ‘too cool for school’ thing and pretend we don’t care, all right?” Emma’s friends looked unlikely to commit until Belle spoke up.

“You got it, Ems. Everyone will be on their best behavior. If they aren’t I’ve got the perfect spell to mimic temporary laryngitis, and Liam will be none the wiser.”

“You wouldn’t!” Ruby exclaimed, putting to words what all of them were thinking at Belle’s casual threat, and Belle only shrugged which prompted Ruby to hug her tightly in what had to be considered a strange reaction. “Aww, Belle! I’m so proud of you. God, Elsa found a man, Belle found a kick ass new attitude… there really is so much to be grateful for!”

And even though it was slightly ridiculous, and even though Emma knew there was likely a long night ahead of her protecting Elsa to make good on her promise she’d made back at the Harvest Festival, she knew Ruby was right. Because there was so much in their world to be grateful for, and Emma for one had every intention of celebrating that good fortune and good luck as long as she possibly could.

…………

In all the years that Killian had lived in the states, he’d partaken in a Thanksgiving dinner or two. There was typically someone when he’d been at University or working in New York who would invite him to tag along, or at a bare minimum there were restaurants serving only traditional fare for all those lonely souls spending the day by themselves. But he had never known a one like the one he had today. Honestly, Killian hadn’t had a proper holiday with that feeling of love and connection since he was a child, and to think that all his annual traditions might be like this from here on out soothed something in him.

This evening had been nothing but pleasant and engaging, and hours had been spent with friends and family in the merriest way. No one had any sense of sadness or gloom tonight. The world seemed softer and safer than even the already idyllic way of Storybrooke living and there had even been new sparks lit and new bonds formed in a way Killian never would have dared hope even a few days ago.

He had to smile thinking about it, and he stole a look from where he sat on the couch curled up with Emma over to Liam and Elsa who were sitting in chairs side by side across the way.  Since the very first instant of their meeting, Killian knew that the hunch he had about them being a good fit (that was largely prompted by Henry’s mention of a potential romance between his brother and Emma’s friend) was right. There was something there, something that hadn’t taken any time at all to ignite, and as the evening pressed on the initial interest had only grown stronger. There was no denying that Liam and Elsa were at the start of something, and as happy as Killian was to see it he knew Emma was just as glad for the unexpected twist of events.

“They’ve managed to stay awful cozy all things considered,” Emma whispered from her spot beside him and Killian grinned, gazing down at the woman he loved more than anything and seeing she was the picture of coziness herself right now all tucked up next to him.

“I think that has everything to do with your vigilance, Swan. Don’t think I haven’t born witness to your continued intervention tonight.”

“Do you think they noticed?” Emma asked, looking back at the two might-be lovers and Killian followed suit.

“I think they’re both completely wrapped up in each other already and there simply isn’t room for the outside noise the rest of us can bring.”

Emma laughed at that sweetly, the sound of it enveloping Killian like a warm blanket and lingering in his consciousness for a moment longer than it should. But there wasn’t a chance to take things much further with Emma right now. He was honestly lucky enough to have her in his arms like this given everyone’s presence in the room, and it would just have to do until everyone finally headed home for the evening.

“You know I was thinking all through dinner, that as far as holidays go, this was a pretty good showing,” Belle observed happily. “I struggle to think of a better one actually. I think the only one I enjoyed more was the first holiday after Emma and Henry came to town.”

Killian felt Emma’s hum of approval at Belle’s mention of that first Thanksgiving spent together, and he was unsurprised when all of the other friends readily agreed. It was obvious that Emma and her son had brightened everyone’s lives when they arrived, and as much as Killian saw them both as precious gifts, he knew the others felt the same. There was no risk of Emma or Henry being underappreciated in this group of people, and that fact was enough to assure Killian that every one of Emma’s friends was worth keeping always.

“Maybe it’s just me,” Graham said from his spot with Ruby across the room. “But I happen to think New Year’s Eve two years ago was the best.”

“Well of course you would think that,” Ruby said with a knowing smile at her lips that still spoke to her true enjoyment. “That’s when you married me. It is by definition the best day the world has ever seen.”

This conversation spiraled to a point where everyone began giving their opinions on their favorite holiday memories, and those moved onto tales of childhood specifically. Even Liam and Killian joined in on that, regaling the group with accounts of their most bizarre Christmas ever.

In the story it was the two of them and their Mum and the essence of it all was that their mother had completely forgotten one year that it was Christmas. She woke up and went about the day totally normally for a full hour, and only when Killian, who was all of six years old at the time, had said something did she spring into action. To make up for it she’d been completely over the top the rest of the day and into the evening, and Killian could still remember how much they’d laughed and thoroughly enjoyed themselves even if he was just a lad.

“What about you, Mom?” Henry asked. “Do you have any good stories?”

Emma considered the question and a first she answered that today was her favorite memory because they were all finally together (which Killian loved to hear more than he could ever put into words). But it wasn’t a satisfactory answer for Henry, and because he probably didn’t realize it would be hurtful to his mother to dwell on memories from the past, Henry pushed further than anyone else in the room would have.

“I know today’s the best one, but what about when you were a kid?”

Emma grew pale at the question and Killian could feel her go a little tense in her stance. It was clear she wasn’t thrilled at being asked about a time in her life she would rather move past, but Killian also knew that Emma wouldn’t run from this. If Henry wanted an answer she would do her best to give it to him and all Killian wanted to do was help in some way.

“Maybe it doesn’t have to be from a holiday per se. Sometimes the best moments of the season aren’t on the big days themselves. It’s the little things that make the difference.”

There was still a moment of hesitation on Emma’s part when Killian’s heart broke, and he knew there was a good chance she would say no to this too. Emma’s life had been hard – far too hard in his opinion – and she should never have had to experience any of that fear or abandonment that she did. But when she finally smiled and nodded, sitting up a little straighter but without the same anxious set in her stature, Killian felt soothed from the harsh feelings sparked by thoughts of her troubled childhood.

“Actually there was. When I was eleven I was in a smaller group home right outside the city, and a couple of days before Christmas they took us on a trip and they wouldn’t tell us where we were going until we’d already arrived. It was a horse farm, one of those ones for the huge Clydesdale stallions, and having never actually been that close to a horse I was pretty excited and also totally petrified.”

“Were they giant? They always look giant on TV!” Henry exclaimed, clearly interested and Emma nodded, relaxing more into the memory as she continued to expand on it.

“They were. Or maybe I was just small. Either way they were beautiful and also surprisingly gentle. They definitely weren’t as menacing as they first appeared.”

“That sounds really nice actually,” Elsa acknowledged with a dreamy look in her eye that immediately caught the attention of Liam. Before that, Killian had questioned if Liam was even paying much attention, wrapped up as he was in Emma’s friend, but now there was no doubt he was on the alert.

“We went to a place like that one time,” Anna said eagerly as she looked back at Kristoff for confirmation. “Only there were like a million reindeer and no horses.”

“Of course there were,” Ruby said with a shake of her head as she shot a smirk towards Anna’s husband. “What is it with you guys and reindeer? I don’t know anyone with as many reindeer stories as you two.” Everyone laughed at that before Emma continued on.

“Well this place didn’t have reindeer I’m sorry to say, but the people who ran the farm were great. They had games and all sorts of stuff for us to do. There were cookies and a fire for marshmallows and it was just a really good day when I didn’t have that many of them back then.”

“But…” Henry implored, sensing that there was something that his mother wasn’t saying, and that perhaps it was something that had been missing from her rare positive experience.

“But there was one down side,” Emma admitted, her eyes taking on a thoughtful quality and looking a bit remiss when she said it. “It was a really warm December that year, and because there was no snow, we missed out on the biggest draw of the place: the horse drawn sleighs that they had that could take you all along the property.”

Killian could just picture in his mind a childhood version of Emma and her conflicted state on that happy day. On the one hand, she’d have already been feeling the weight of the jadedness she’d gained from a life without any real stability, but on the other hand she’d probably chosen to make the best of it. He wished he could go back and change things for Emma on that day and every day when she was but a child. If only he could turn back time and grant her a happier life… but for all of it’s heartache, the path of Emma’s early years had brought her to Henry and then to Storybrooke and then to Killian. There was no going back, but as Killian sat there, running his hands through the long wavy strands of her golden hair, he thought to himself that he could remedy all of her past pain in their present and their future, until those days of old were nothing but a hazy, faded chapter of the life she’d once led.

“Oh that would have been lovely,” Belle agreed, her own expression taking on some wistfulness at the thought. “I wish we could have something like that in Storybrooke. Couldn’t you just imagine? It’s practically ripped from the pages of some fairytale.”

“Maybe someday we will,” Emma said quietly and in that moment, where he heard that there was still some longing in her voice and some wish for that kind of experience, Killian knew he would bring such a chance to Emma. He didn’t know how, and he wasn’t exactly sure when, but it would be soon and he’d make it as magical for his Swan as he possibly could.

From there, the conversation stayed in strictly pleasant waters. There were no more prying questions about anyone’s pasts, just musings on their shared memories or their plans for things coming the rest of this winter season. It turned out that in three weeks time, just before Christmas itself, that the town had another seasonal festivity: a dance for the holidays that Emma and her friends were all involved in planning yet again and that had a special twist. For it turned out that in Storybrooke it was the women who always asked the men to be their date for the dance, and at the mention of that, Emma turned her eyes back up to him and pleaded for his attendance in a way that made his heart squeeze tightly in his chest.

“You’ll come with me, won’t you?” she asked, even though Killian could see certainty etched into her expression in every way. “Or are you one of those guys who need a big to do when a girl asks for your hand?”

The teasing words landed with a fierce impact on Killian’s heart, and though he knew Emma’s phrasing still revolved around the dance, he couldn’t help drawing connections to his own personal wishes to ask for her hand in something much larger. Marriage was just as much on his mind now as it had been in the weeks before, and he was, even now, formulating a plan to ask Emma for forever sooner rather than later. He hated to think that the year would end and he wouldn’t have told her everything he felt and all that he wished for in a future with her, but in this moment at least, his desire to lay it all out there had to remain subdued. He would get there, but the proper place wasn’t now despite how he might wish it to be so.

“Of course I’ll be there, love. And the only thing I need is to know you want me there. That’s grand gesture enough, I promise you.”

Emma seemed to love that response if the kiss she pressed to his lips was any indication, and though there was a murmuring of response from everyone around them (all of whom were still overly interested in all things Emma and Killian), there was one noticeably absent voice. Henry was not amongst the viewing party lobbing out gentle teasing or feedback, and when Emma and Killian broke apart, Killian saw why. Sometime in the last twenty minutes or so, Henry had fallen asleep on the floor curled up by the fire and he was definitely tired if he’d slept through everyone’s reactions.

“Oh Henry,” Mary Margaret said with a fond inflection. “Poor little guy must be exhausted.”

“Can you blame him?” Emma asked. “He’s been going going going all day and then he tried to keep up with Ruby at the dinner table. Any normal human who had that much turkey would have no choice but to sleep.”

“That’s all right. He’ll get there someday. He just needs a little more training,” Ruby assured them all as Emma shook her head and chuckled at her friend’s antics. She then moved to stand, and Killian could sense that she was debating departing for home to get her boy to bed, but he held her in place, kissing her temple before offering another alternative.

“I know Henry needs his rest, love, but I also believe that if he finds out the party ended early on his account he’ll be beside himself. Why don’t I get him settled in the spare room I’ve got down here? Who knows, perhaps he’ll rally and rise to challenge Ruby once again.”

Everyone laughed at the idea as Emma smiled and nodded. A wave of relief washed over Killian that their time together wasn’t over yet tonight, but when Emma offered to assist Killian in getting Henry to bed, he waved her off, insisting he could do this himself. Emma should enjoy the party, especially after she’d spent so much of the day preparing and cooking and hosting. Finally she was relaxed and totally at ease, and Killian wanted to make sure she stayed that way for as long as he could. It was no trouble for him to scoop up a sleeping Henry in his arms, and then he moved across the first floor to the quiet part of the house where the happy hum of the party could still be heard but wouldn’t be so obvious.

With ease and care, Killian managed to get Henry to the guest room in his house that just so happened to boast the most sailing regalia of all of them. It was a happy coincidence, and one Killian was sure Henry would be grateful for if he should wake up before the party’s end, but Killian didn’t linger on those thoughts as he tucked Henry in and made sure he was all right. He put a light on so as to keep Henry from any kind of fear when he woke up, and even Luna had made her way here when she saw Killian bringing Henry away from the others. The tiny cat jumped up right onto the pillow beside Henry, curling beside him in an at once affectionate and protective stance that Killian loved to see. Henry should be protected, after all, for he was a remarkable boy who had wiggled his way into Killian’s heart almost from the get go.

“Goodnight, Henry. Sleep well,” Killian said when Henry was all tucked in and he ran his fingers across Henry’s forehead, pushing some of his hair from his forehead before turning to go. But before he’d made it out of the room, Henry’s sleepy voice warbled out to him.

“Killian?”

“Aye, lad?” he asked as he watched Henry try to blink away the drowsiness of having just been asleep.

“Are you going to ask my Mom to marry you?”

Well that definitely was not what Killian was expecting. There were actually about a million other things he would have been more prepared to have Henry ask him, but this… well it was unexpected even as it hit home to some of the thoughts Killian had only just been having. But now that it was out there between them, Killian found himself unable to lie or keep the secret from Henry.

“It’s my sincerest wish that someday I have the chance to do just that. But I would only ask your mother for forever it would be all right with you, Henry.”

Henry smiled at that with a warmth and enjoyment that said he was fully content with everything life had to offer even as he fought off another yawn. He looked so determined to stay awake, but Killian could tell it was a losing battle. Soon enough he would be drifting off to sleep again, but Killian was just so glad to have Henry’s approval that he could hardly register anything other than Henry’s sleepy grin as he nodded.

“It would be way better than ‘all right.’ But can you do me one favor?” Henry asked and Killian immediately said that he would, eager to grant Henry anything since he was giving Killian so much with his acceptance. “Can you maybe ask her soon? I’m getting kind of tired of all the waiting.”

Killian chuckled at that since by most estimations there had been no waiting. This relationship between he and Emma had been on a speedy trajectory since first coming out the gate, but he supposed that for a ten year old, time would seem to drag a little more than the average person. Besides, this was hardly a sacrifice for Killian since he too wanted to take that next step as soon as could be.

“Well I’m sorry to have kept you in suspense, lad, but yes, I’ll do my very best to get a move on.”

“Awesome,” Henry said as he closed his eyes and snuggled down in the bed more, but he left Killian with one last astounding comment just for good measure. “It’ll be just like my dreams. Mom can find her true love and I can finally have a Dad.”

Killian didn’t know how to respond to those words, words that meant so much more than he could ever express, but fatigue won out with Henry again, and no sooner had the young lad whispered the confession than Emma’s son was sleeping soundly. This left Killian a bit shell shocked but also more than pleased. He had never dreamed that Henry would ever see him that way, but if Emma’s son was open to Killian stepping up as a father figure, then Killian was all in. Now he could only hope that Henry had truly meant it and that he’d remember those incredible words come morning.

Walking back down the hallway from the room where Henry slept, Killian tried to pull himself together. There were just so many things going through his mind and he was wading through a whole host of possibilities about when and how to ask Emma for her hand. The thought of instant gratification was tempting, and he could picture walking back into the living room with everyone there and bending down on one knee here and now. But it wouldn’t be all that Emma deserved if he did that way. No. For their story and for this next step, Killian wanted something undeniably personal and romantic. He wanted a memory that none of them would ever forget, and he also wanted a way to include Henry somehow now that he was sure of his approval.

“Killian?” A voice asked from down the hall and Killian looked up to see Emma had wandered over here. “Is everything okay?”

She didn’t know the half of it, and while Killian could try and articulate how things were far and away better than ‘okay’ right now, he didn’t even attempt it. Instead he closed the distance between them, pulling Emma back into his arms and kissing her there in the hallway where they had some privacy but not nearly enough for what he wanted. To show Emma the true depths of his love he would need time, and a more secure divide between the party going on and their intimate moment here, but in this kiss Killian infused everything they could have in this moment, until they broke apart and were both gripping onto each other and hoping for more.

“Everything is perfect, Emma, and I have you to thank for that.”

“Me?” Emma asked, a little surprised, but clearly dying to hear more as she searched his gaze with her expressive green eyes.

“Aye, love, you. All of this happiness – all of this goodness in my life now – I owe it all to you.”

“You make me just as happy,” Emma admitted, stealing another kiss in a playful manner that had him beaming down at her.

“Nothing could ever be more rewarding than hearing that you feel that way, love. But what you’ve done for me is almost indescribable. You woke me up. You healed something in my very soul I didn’t even realize was broken. And most importantly you brought me love, love I will never turn away from as long as I live.”

“That sounds pretty permanent,” Emma whispered as her hand came to cover his heart and she looked back up at him, her eyes filled with the mistiness of so much unspoken emotion.

“That’s because it is, Emma,” he replied, bringing his hand to cover hers so she could feel the frantic beating of his heart more fully. “I told you once that there was nothing that could ever change my love for you and I meant it. I’m not going anywhere, and today… well today only further proved something I already knew.”

“And what’s that?” she asked, prompting a grin from Killian as he took in the breathiness of her voice or the thinly veiled desperation of her tone.

“It proved that at long last I’ve found my place in the world. I’ve found home here with you and Henry, and it’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever known.”

Words weren’t needed in the face of that declaration and Killian knew from the way Emma kissed him again and the way she held him close that she saw things the same way. But eventually words did come, beautiful words about how he would always have a place here with her and Henry and how Emma would always love Killian back. They were magical, remarkable, and amazing in every way, and because of them Killian was even more resolved to wait just a little longer to propose to his Swan. For a woman who was constantly gifting him with miraculous moments deserved perfection in return, and Killian would do anything to find a way to get them to that perfection and get them there soon.

Post-Note: So I know that last time I said that I was planning to get all of this story written before the end of summer… well let’s just say life has definitely gotten in the way of that and I very simply do not have the time. However, my new goal is to get us to the proposal (which is in the next chapter) and at least get that published before my life gets crazy hectic. I’m not sure when the subsequent chapters will get written – maybe right away maybe it’ll take a longer while than I am used to – but I do know I am NOT done with this story yet and there will be a fair bit more before it’s all over. Anyway I thank you all in advance for the understanding and I hope you enjoyed this installment for all it’s fluffiness! Thanks for reading and hope you have a great rest of your day!

[worldcakecakecake]

Feliciano and the King of Hearts

Chosen by the gods as the Queen of Hearts from the moment of birth, we follow Feliciano’s story as he grows into royal life, learns to rule, go against age old customs, and his relationship with his husband to be, the King of Hearts.

Chapter 1 I  Chapter 2 I Chapter 3 I Chapter 4 I Chapter 5 I Chapter 6I Chapter 7 I Chapter 8 IChapter 9I Chapter 10 I Chapter 11I Chapter 12 I Chapter 13 I Chapter 14 I Chapter 15 I Chapter 16 I Chapter 17 I Chapter 18 I Chapter 19 I Chapter 20 I Chapter 21 I Chapter 22 I Chapter 23 I Chapter 24 I Chapter 25 I Chapter 26 I Chapter 27 I Chapter 28 I Chapter 29 I Chapter 30 I Chapter 31 I Chapter 32 I Chapter 33 I Chapter 34 I Chapter 35 I Chapter 36 I Chapter 37 I chapter 38 I Chapter 39 I Chapter 40 I Chapter 41 I Chapter 42 I Chapter 43 I Chapter 44

I know it’s been a long time, but many countless of things happened (which I talked about in my personal, posted about in this blog or even in my snapchat) that basically dwindled me in writing this chapter…which let me say is actually the longest in the entire story and it makes it 200k and who knows if the next one would be just as long (so I already ask that you be patient for it and that you understand). I really apologize for the time it took and I want to thank you all for your patience. You guys have no idea how excited I was to write this chapter and I hope it was worth the wait for you all. Enjoy!

                                                  Chapter 45 

All seven of them had been from different provinces of the southern Spades kingdom, despite three of them being related, yet even with that difference, even their own personality and outlooks, together they worked in a pattern that was harmonious and made the trek on the river peaceful and scenic. They passed quite the majestic views, disappearing the further they went or when a tree or hill covered them, to then present new views in welcome.  They saw as the rivers took different kinds of turns, by waterfalls, by intimidatingly tall mountains, through mists, heavy jungle, the river expanding as large enough for them to think they were in the middle of the sea or thin enough for them to be able to touch the trees that rested on the banks. All kinds of colorful birds flew above them, with tails of ice, of fire, of winding leaves, or pristine ones that seemed like they were made of jewels. In one moment they spotted a beautiful lavender dragon sleeping in a cave from afar, griffins enjoying from drinks in the cleanest part of the river, where they met with water serpents, swimming along beside the boat without a care. It was all fantastic things that Feliciano tried his best to copy into his sketchbook, having peaceful moments while the rest had breakfast, lunch or dinner, all which they had on the boat, not a moment given to stop. If they had to resupply, they easily took the items from the branches that stretched off in their way, from natural fruits to bags left behind by other contacts. Their moving was calm, not flowing or shaking, the ground as stern as if they were on any hardened stone floor ground, it gave the chance for all kinds of activities to take place in the boat, from cooking, to card games, even for them to play their instruments, always a song to be heard in the nights, a mini feast for every star coated sky, clear enough to see them dusting in purples and blues or capture an escaped shooting star. They tapped their feet, clapped their hands, Feliciano joining along in adding lyrics they would make up that instant. It was the kind of moving feeling that made him wish he could dance…glances to Ludwig to always find him in the same state since they left the Spadian castle. Lost, eyes distant to the horizons the river kept taking, no words, no meet, he stood in solitude during the entire trip, only offering his help for certain navigational things or in the kitchen, cutting harder foods that the others couldn’t manage, but always cold, always to himself. It hadn’t settled well with this newly met group.

 In one of those afternoons, a misty one that only the members of this ship seemed to look through while Ludwig and Feliciano remained lost, did Martín pointed into the mess, spotting a Clubian flag flying proudly between the mist, the green and the Clubian symbols clear for Ludwig and Feliciano to identify.

 “Were officially in Clubs,” Elisa welcomed, a celebratory tone and shine in her eyes that the rest shared, for they fulfilled their mission in the aspect of getting them to the kingdom.

 “We’ll be arriving to Murmansk tomorrow in the afternoon,” Corisande reminded with a smile and Feliciano shared one with him in high expectations, knowing they were to arrive to the final castle soon, the last capital, the last of the validity spheres, the placing in the fields and they could finally return home.

 Ludwig turned away and headed back to their room, even more drifting and apart, not even coming to join the rest of the crew in dinner that night. When Feliciano had gone into the room ready for his last sleep on the boat, he found Ludwig wide awake, staring into the ceiling, not drifting from his concentration even as Feliciano entered, as he settled himself on the bed and got himself ready…it was like he wasn’t even there to him. Every time Feliciano awoke during the night, he would find Ludwig in the same position, his eyes dancing around the room, a huff of breath here and there or scratching his arm, but it seemed like he hadn’t reached any kind of rest and wouldn’t be able to. By the time dawn came, Feliciano woke to find he was alone, Ludwig gone. He despised waking at such hours, but he couldn’t take much more of it, he had to do something, he needed to initiate something between them again. He got a cloak, insisting Pookie he remained resting on the bed while he went to find Ludwig. He was at the prow, taking a sitting and keeping watch to the surrounding forest, a mist still constant but not blinding. It was comfortable, but still chilling, it had Feliciano tightening the cloak around himself.

 “Morning,” he thought he could wish, with a strong smile, confident in his eyes and stature, hoping Ludwig could find ease in it.

 Ludwig glanced at him but it was quick, not letting their eyes meet and only a huff as a response before he focused instead on some tangled rope on the floor.

 “It’s beautiful at this hour, isn’t it?” Feliciano complimented to the surroundings, coming closer, debating if he should take his empty side or not.

 "I guess," he only admitted, with a shrug and an unimportant gleam to the clearness of the water, the dimming mist, the towering hills, the dawning sky of darkness meeting that of approaching light. Feliciano wondered how Ludwig could simply describe it as that, lean and act as if the surroundings weren’t there, as if they were as plain as a wall, with no more words to say or even some sort of invitation for something to begin between them.

 Impatient, Feliciano decided to take that seat beside him anyways, but it continued to instigate nothingness, for silence to reign on between them, only the rush of the water below them, of whatever new chirping birds deep within the jungle, Feliciano having to settle with what he saw before him, still hoping, still awaiting some kind of response.

 Nothing, nothing, nothing, like another stranger, like another day of ignorance back at the castle.

 He forgot how weakened it made him, how useless, how invisible, but he still determined, he still looked on for a kind of idea as the river shortened, a fine line that made them more unison to the forest, going along with its waking, looking for an idea, looking for an ideal, until his eyes found something rather peculiar.

 A fruit, a familiar one, one of his books, of a very old promise that called him to fulfill.

 With a teasing smile he stood up, reaching the edge until he met one of the coming branches, a fruit hanging perfectly for his easy reach, for him to grab and let it fall on the hold of his hand.

 "Remember this?" Feliciano smiled, presenting the disgusting thing with seeds.

 The sight made Ludwig nauseous, but he dared give a little grin, an idea to where this was going.

 "Yes...and if I remember correctly, you did say you would eat it if we ever did find it," Ludwig dared him with teasing eyes.  

 Finally a glow, finally a small chance.

 "Why do you think I grabbed it?" Feliciano smirked, tossing the fruit between his hands before he raised it to his nostril. The scent was awful but manageable, and so with instant action he took the first bite, the mix of slime and hard seeds a distasteful one that had his face cringing, but still he managed to find a sweet spot that settled his expression into quite the calm. Ludwig was trying hard not to laugh, trying to look away, but Feliciano's face contorted so cutely he couldn’t resist, releasing a smirk.

 "It's not that bad," Feliciano admitted, turning it around, wondering if he should dare take another bite.

 It was in that moment Amaro headed out from his room to do his usual work for the day, adjusting his chullo over his dark hair when he easily spotted the fruit he hoped the arising queen of hearts was not actually munching on.

 "Please tell me you haven't swallowed it," he neared, panic growing in his expression and Feliciano shrugged not finding the dilemma, but he did deny to swallowing with his head.

 "That's a kishore, they're extremely poisonous and could very well kill you if it hits your stomach."

 Feliciano's eyes widened in panic, any movement with his mouth instantly halted, the fruit falling off his hand, landing on the deck uselessly. Even Ludwig shared in the same panic expression, ready to stand and aid.

 "Spit it out!" Amaro commanded and Feliciano instantly spitted it all to the deck, making clear his disgust by groaning and trying to lick away any remnants in his hands, now beginning to cough. It was the site that welcomed Manuel that morning as he thought he could join in peace and calm. He quickly realized what was going on by vaguely recognizing the spitted and ruined bites of fruit on the floor.

 "Don't tell me he actually tried to eat a kishore,"

 "Yep," Amaro admitted.

 "Crazy Heartians," Manuel sighed but offered a hand ushering into the boat, "come on, I have some healing potions that can help."

 Feliciano quickly agreed, still continuing to rid any essence in his mouth by licking on his cloak as he went and followed Manuel, who gave one last roll of his eyes to Amaro before following behind the arising Queen.

 Being left alone with Amaro somehow made Ludwig more aware, bringing embarrassment, the mess on the floor still taunting him. "I'll...clean it up..."

 Amaro nodded, a slight relief.

  They arrived to Murmansk in that afternoon as promised, in tranquility and smoothness, the action of this port one that was done in calm, only an occasional shout of Russian men and women commanding over their ships, boards, letting the small dingy move across them in uncare, without knowing of the presence that was held inside, of the royal stares they received as the very monarchs took their surroundings to this rather simple but comforting town. Buildings rising in slopes, in normal commute, the last of the day before all headed home, and in the passing Ludwig and Feliciano could not spot any familiar face, no crowds or fair to showcase the king they were supposed to meet. The rest of the crew spotted their extensive longing, their search, crouching and ducking as if they were traversing those very bridges they went under.

 "He's here, we already got a message," Pedro said as he helped along in grabbing ropes and moving other objects preparing for their docking.

 "But where?" Feliciano wondered, still searching.

 "Special dock, right..." Tulio moved forward, just as they passed a large ship that covered the last enclosure where the port finished, "there."

 And there was the array of flags and arms, in the Clubian greens and silvers, horses like men covered in the symbols and armors, a royal welcome unlike any Ludwig and Feliciano had received in all their journey, quite a contrast compared to the worn boat they had made their river trip the past few days.

 Men helped along with the crew in their docking, in helping with bringing down the luggage and the very royals who were moved forward to be presented before King Ivan. As tall, as intimidating, a reigning force of power that brought Ludwig and Feliciano to bow, Ivan nodding in approval to their reverence.

 “Welcome, I’m glad you have arrived as safely as we all hoped. I assume everything went well on the boat ride.” Ivan changed his gaze to the crew, who all instantly bowed in a sudden shake.

 “We did what we best could for their highnesses,” Martin was the only one who dared speak for now, and the rest really appreciated him for it.

 “Very well then, you have fulfilled a crucial mission, we shall continue onward until we reach the palace. My deepest thanks for what you did for them.” Ivan gave them a bow in gratitude, while the rest only brought themselves more to the floor, only to stand once again when Ivan settled his horse away to prepare the group’s departure.

 Already men were ushering Ludwig and Feliciano to move forward, but Feliciano refused to without saying goodbye. He turned to the crew and he hugged them all by turn, thanking them for everything they did, the music, the dancing, the food, the jokes and the smiles, hoping they could one day meet again for the same things. It was a routine Ludwig had settled himself in doing, but with shakes and small smiles, even if how distant he had been that entire boat ride.

 Horses were brought over to them, as richly decorated as the rest, these ones specifically with green Heartian symbols, prepared and awaited. Feliciano knew these animals must be just as beautiful underneath all this weight, which made him feel bad, caressing and wording them all kinds of comfort for what they had to do for them. They were asked to simply mount, both Ludwig and Feliciano not expecting to be so out in the open for one of the last parts of their journey, but they obeyed, picking their horses, waving goodbye to the others and reaching by Ivan’s side, who was awaiting them by the stone of the rest of the port, citizens walking by, of course crowds stopping to stare, to point, whistle and hope for a chance to be greeted by any of the royals present.

 “No carriage?” Ludwig finally worded.

 “It would only stall us more, we can’t afford to lose more time, you’re both way later than we had scheduled. Riding ourselves by horse is much quicker, which is why we brought these guards and soldiers for extra protection,” Ivan seemed to scold.

 “I thought you had received letters of all our kinds of predicaments,” Ludwig tried to excuse.

 “We did, it just drove us more impatient, but come along, we must depart immediately, the palace is awaiting our arrival for tomorrow in the afternoon.” How could he say that with such a tranquil smile while also intending business, driving his horse around and already starting a fast pace out of the port and city, one Ludwig and Feliciano were forced to follow with the rest of the men.

  Nothing covered them from the air and dust that rose, in true to nature and to its real radius. It was a similar hurry like the one from Shanghai to Washington, a nonstop that refused to give victory to any kind of exhaustion or dwindling.

 It was truly as the books have written, as the arts depicted, a continuous thick green wall of darkness and mystery that would go on with different kinds of wonders to see in their depths, covering quaint single houses, villages, impressive tall churches like the very trees had carved them, humans decorating with the metals and jewels they found surely easy at the shores of rivers and lakes. The only time Feliciano could sketch was on their night stop in Petrozavodsk, trying to pour all the scenes in his sketchbook, noticing that he had very few pages left to complete the full book and coming into the realization that he needed to limit himself for what was left of the journey. How could he when there was a plethora in every corner his eyes landed on.

 He thought about perhaps buying a new sketchbook. They were not that far from a city center and it wouldn’t take too long, maybe if he asked Ludwig- that’s when he remembered…he was given a different tent, Feliciano having his own at the moment, empty with none of Ludwig’s belongings, only Pookie resting away at the top of one of his cloaks. It was the first time throughout the journey they had been given separate resting places, intensifying the loneliness and fault Feliciano had felt from Ludwig ever since they left Washington. He wanted to hope that it was just because they had extra tents that needed to be used, that maybe Ludwig just needed some sort of lonely mediation for the night before things returned to the blooming chance they had so tightly on their grasps lately.

 With a sigh, a close of his sketchbook that he tucked back into one of his bags, he blew the lantern shut and focused solely on sleeping, not on this emptiness, not in this worry.

  Without another delay they hurried off the next morning in the same pace as the day before, only a small breakfast to spare and lunch to be taken as they rode. Moscow was their next stop, nearer and nearer as the populace expanded around them, activity growing, more buildings and landmarks appearing between the heavy greenery. Finally Feliciano could spot the expanse of the palace from a distance, the pacing slowed, everyone in the group could relax, except the guards, who now took extra vigilance as they covered well around the arising monarchs. It was just as the crowds around them grew, as the whole city headed out, chanting, congratulating and celebrating their awaited arrival.

 Feliciano could barely hear any words spoken by the guards, Ludwig or even Ivan, as all these unknown Russian words were shouted and screamed between the streets, by the rivers, by the squares, and all Feliciano could do was just wave and smile politely while also taking into his sights the beauty this new city had to offer. He was impressed with the perfect blend of city and landscape, everything intended to be covered well in some kind of greenery, but showcasing intricate towers, domes and details that showed the presence of human build and progress. The closer they got to the palace, the more noise reigned, the more packed the crowds became and more guards were sent to offer better protection. Drums were banged, trumpets blew and special flags fell upon the main doors and windows of the palace, all with Heartian symbols, in warm welcome to the foreign royals that kept trying harder to make their way between the crushing multitudes.

 This was officially the biggest welcome they had received, reminding them of their power, of their worth, especially with this journey, what they had accomplished, the news they made, what it meant to finally arrive to the last kingdom and what was coming next.

 Feliciano admired how Ludwig could remain with his stoic expression, gaze onward to nothing but the palace, with a glare as if he was meeting with a long enemy. He was uncaring to the action surrounding him, unlike Feliciano who was drowning in it, trying to properly greet as many as he could.

 Finally they passed through the frontal gates of the palace, where crowds still cheered, the guards having to force a good pathway for them to strode along on their horses, with not enough space seeing there was a long pond and fountain depicting an ace scene, so beautifully sculpted that it took Feliciano’s sudden attention, until new trumpets bellowed and forced Feliciano to look onward.

 A large smile, giddiness, he was ready to jump from his horse and offer her the biggest hug, but there were still so many people surrounding them, plus the presentation called for more dignity and control.

 Elizabeta found herself in the same excitements, having to control any urges of her own embraces and kisses by keeping her hands behind her and standing in grace, biting into her lips to not let herself shrill and shout to Feliciano in more familiar welcomes. It was quite endearing, Roderich had to admit as he stood beside her, sporting a smile with just the same intent and it only brought Feliciano with more urge to scream and bring them both into a powerful crush of arms.

 Ivan dismounted his horse, followed by Ludwig and so Feliciano took his queue, seeing as the guards provided a space for them to finally walk, going up the large marbled frontal stairs until they reached the very platform Roderich and Elizabeta stood in, waiting along with other officials.

 Once they were all presented properly before each other, the crowds fell silent, clear as to not even let the royals say a word against it.

 With an extend of her arms, as if pointing to the magnificence of her entire city, Elizabeta bellowed: “Finally, welcome to Moscow!”

 The crowds cheered, Ludwig and Feliciano bowed, and Ivan took his side by his own ruling companions.

 “With us holds the last of the Validity Spheres, and towards that direction,” she pointed to a faraway bridge that led deeper into the kingdom, “is the field where we keep King Khaos prisoner, in the once remnants of the Black Kingdom, the last stop and the goal of the journey to place all Validity Spheres. Afterwards it is a journey home, with completion and resolution. In honor of your journey, of your collection of all Validity Spheres, of the placing and of your soon return home, we shall celebrate a grand ball in two days, the night before your departure the next afternoon, with all welcomed to come.” The crowds once again roared, jumping and clapping, growing eager as did Feliciano.

 The three took synchronized bows to the crowds before they turned forward to the grand entrance of the palace, all ushering them inside, and so Ludwig and Feliciano entered into the richness and comfort of such a grand place.

 It was as they walked, the three discussing information about the events that would take place in the next three days, did Feliciano notice that the Clubian palace was actually the smallest of the kingdom castles. Sure, it was still large, it had richness, amazing architecture art, golds, silvers, arches, domes, murals showing wonderful sculpted designs, paintings, and shinning floors and windows that guided light to enter in an enchanting glow. Servants moved pass them in the usual rhythm of work of any castle, all the commotion happening outside shushed out by these powerful walls, yet it was somehow humble and modest, they were probably already walking its entire length, an easy access to everything that made Feliciano more confident in making his way around.

 “-as for rooming, we chose for you two the Pasternak room, it has a beautiful view to our gardens and it’s the most perfect spot in the entire palace for a cup of tea,” Roderich told.

 “About that, if I may ask,” Ludwig suddenly halted, coughing, taking a better stance, hoping his request could be taken more seriously, “can you leave that room for Feliciano? I request to have another room separate from my arising queen.”

 It was an odd request they had not expected, for all three to gaze to each other wondering if it was possible to be done at such a short notice, all while all kinds of crashes happened in Feliciano’s heart, trying not to let his face fall, trying to be uncaring, focusing on a painting of a spring day on the ceiling and not on any of his inner tearings.

 “May we ask for a proper reason?” Ivan wondered.

 “I need a separate spot to relax and think, the journey has exhausted me and I would want proper rest before we head to the field,” he excused, a forced trained look in his eyes, clearly hiding, clearly holding and even begging.

 Elizabeta and Roderich looked with question towards their King, who then nodded in acceptance once the silence was prolonged enough.

 “Very well then, I’ll have the servants prepare the Svantovit room, it’s on an opposite wing from here, private and guarded, I’m sure no one will come bother you.” To Feliciano it just helped to create more walls, to see him further and unapproachable.

 “Thank you,” Ludwig bowed and they continued on with a tour of the castle, a brilliance that wasn’t enough of a light to have Feliciano rising.

  Feliciano was used to exploring new cities with Ludwig, and even with his reluctance, his retreats and indifference, somehow a chat always escaped, a smile, a wonder, a growing string that was pulling them together once again. This time though, Feliciano explored Moscow with only Elizabeta’s guidance. Sure, Elizabeta managed to make him smile, bring him eager in taking every building, every shop, every bakery, restaurant, bridge, square, river, passing boats and carriages, but she noticed that it wasn’t enough to really make him attentive, to have his special glow and smile.

 He brought his coloring pencils and sketchbook with him, yet he only managed a single drawing of one of the crowded squares, the rest of the pages only receiving pencil taps as Feliciano spent the day lost in his thoughts, a thread that Elizabeta could not accomplish to break him out of.

 In those two days he saw no sign of Ludwig, not vagabonding through the halls, not on a break, not on a reading, he didn’t even join them for breakfast and dinner. Feliciano didn’t actually spot him until the ball.

 What grandeur, what people and dresses, what grace of movements and festivity. For a moment he could lose himself in that new rhythm, in that dream as he swayed in green for the occasion.

 It was tight around his waist, loose sleeves and front, revealing shoulders and part of his chest, an act that didn’t sit well with Roderich when he first saw him come out of his room that evening. The front had an excellent embroider of silver, gold and jewels, matching with symbols on his sleeves, belt, side of his tight pants and boots. He felt handsome, he knew he had surely gotten plenty of eyes, granting many a dream dance, both to men and women who had been worthy partners that Feliciano did not mind at all loosing himself with for the night. He danced with Elizabeta, he danced with Roderich, even with Ivan, who complimented and admired how dashing Feliciano looked in that green. He received similar comments from many others, who he smiled to and thanked, complimenting them as well, but they weren’t the one he wanted to hear it from the most, they weren’t the eyes he wanted to catch and they weren’t the arms of the person he truly wanted to dance with.

 Ludwig was but a shadow throughout the whole feast, staying by the sides away from the dancing and commotion, having drinks and taking from the snacks. He occasionally spoke to groups eager to meet and have a chat with him, but he barely responded with words, only bows, nods and huffs before they continued with their laughing and joyful conversations with other groups. The only time Feliciano saw him actually have a proper long conversation was at the beginning with Roderich and later then with Ivan just as he had finished his dancing with the arising queen.

 Feliciano had taken his break to have his own drink and snack, enjoying in a small chat with a lovely young woman when a certain melody began to play. Elizabeta had mentioned that it would signify the coming closing to the ball, in other words one of the last chances for a dance, a beautiful song just perfect, with no one else to share it but with Ludwig.

 Ivan headed off to chat with other officials, while Roderich took the chance to have Elizabeta in a lovely dance, one Feliciano was eager to be a part of, and so with a deep breath he bravely settled towards Ludwig’s direction. He was standing by himself, gazing over to a view of the frontal gates of the palace and into the city…specifically to that bridge, the one he knew they would be taking the next afternoon in direction to the field. Ludwig had managed to block out any kind of sounds, any kind of lingering presence of guests, even Feliciano’s close approach, his heavy stare on him, delightful breaths that called, that made him weak enough to actually turn to him.

 “What?” He demanded.

 “Oh um just um…” now Feliciano didn’t know how to speak, how to compose, “saw you here and I wanted to know if you were okay.”

 “I’m all right,” Ludwig simply answered, turning his gaze back to the view.

 “Are you really?” Feliciano dared question, leaning, a closeness that was like him joining in the blocking, truly separating themselves from the commotion behind them.

 “As always, you shouldn’t fret about it,” Ludwig answered, distracting himself in the sip of his drink.

 “I will fret because I’m worried about you,” he dared say, a response that had Ludwig surprise, a widen expression that Feliciano didn’t miss.

 “Tell me…what’s going on?” He tried, he called, he hoped, a closure that surely touched, that he knew had been a glimpse for something from Ludwig, but he quickly shut it off before it enlarged, turning completely away to face the wall he rested on. Nothing, Feliciano knew he was not going to get anything.

 He turned to gaze to the dancing guest, happily twirling and flying unaware of the two royals who at the moment had no such liveliness…but Feliciano was still willing to try.

 “If you’re not going to tell me, at least um…” he caught his attention, he had to be quick, he had to say it before he became any more nervous, “dance with me.”

 He really tried out his most confident smile, but it was slowly faltering, worsening by every second Ludwig’s heavy stare on him continued. He finished his drink, leaving it discarded on a near empty tray, turning away, standing apart from the wall with clear direction in wanting to head out.

 “I would rather not,” he admitted coldly, beginning a pace to move outside, uncaring to whatever turmoil Feliciano met.

 “Why?” Feliciano demanded to know, halting Ludwig from continuing onward, command enough in his voice for Ludwig to be obedient enough to hear.

 “We can’t,” he simply said.

 “Why can’t we?”

 “We just can’t!”

 “For fuck’s sakes Ludwig!” Feliciano exploded. He couldn’t deal, he couldn’t hold, the crashing was slowly starting to show and pour out. Ludwig admittedly stiffed at hearing such harsh words leave Feliciano’s mouth, a piercing enough that was beginning to even hurt.

 “For once…for fucking once, just tell me what’s going on, don’t keep hiding this, don’t keep distancing yourself away from me …it’s hurting…it’s hurting so much and it has to be hurting you too. I can’t stand to be treated like this any longer and I can’t stand to continue watching you suffer alone through this, please!” His voice broke, tears verged and yet Feliciano managed in walking towards him, hoping to reach more silence and peace between them for a chance of speech.

 “Please…please… tell me,” he silently begged, the first trails falling down his cheeks.

 Ludwig turned to him, meeting this mess and yet utter indifference remained in his eyes, which only worsened Feliciano, only made him weaker.

 “Please…” Feliciano wished once again, falling into desperation.

 A breath, a sigh, a whispered “I’m sorry” and Ludwig moved away, into darkness, in silence, in no reply, in no running back to console and promise.

 “Please…please…” yet Feliciano kept on hoping, but no words were returned to him, he was left on this terrace alone, the only comfort but the blowing breeze.

 Ludwig just left, he just left like that without a care, without an explanation, securing what Feliciano had so much tried to deny the last few days. The realization shook him, uncontrollable tears now washing all over his face, working in the trembling, in the falling.

 Laughter still continued in the feast, one Elizabeta was coming out from in a splendorous smile.

 “Feliciano, there you are, I was meaning to-” she saw, she noticed.

 “Feliciano…” she extended a hand, she eased and like the tumbling of a tall tree, Feliciano fell right into her arms in the large breaking of a sob, of whimpers, of continuous shakes, drenching Elizabeta’s dress in his misery.

 “Feliciano, Feliciano, Feliciano,” she repeated, cradling and letting him in his release, hands running through his hair, his arms, his back, seeing him as small as that baby she had met along ago. She didn’t word anything else but his name, shushing, caressing, holding him close, letting him in this break, understanding what was going on by knowing who just left, the concerns Feliciano had worded in their stroll through Moscow, not knowing what to do but just let themselves lay on the floors of the terrace to swim in this disarray. Roderich had spotted them this way and came close, clear concern in his eyes along with question directed towards Elizabeta. She didn’t know how to answer, she only opened her mouth expecting to say something but she couldn’t, she really did not know what to say. Ivan passed and noticed as well, only starring, surely asking Roderich for answers that he didn’t have.

 All this just made it heavier for the three of them, knowing what was coming tonight.

  It was dark, the activities of the ball now long gone, the palace in somber silence as it should be expected of in such late hours. Yet here Feliciano was still awake, still teary eyed, laying across the rich couch in his ball clothes, with not enough interest in changing into his night ones and sleeping, curtains open to reveal the splendor of the garden. It looked gorgeous, a sculptured scene of fauna that surely would have had him smiling, sketching away on his book, going on with words, compliments and stories to Pookie. The same melancholy remained in his expression with no joy or glow, his eyes, although in direction to the garden, were distracted and lost, the trace of tears still evident under his eyes and cheeks, his sketchbook still tucked in his bag, Pookie cuddling, nuzzling and purring, trying to find ways to help him feel better, but nothing did the trick, nothing seemed to awake him from this fall.

 So entranced he was he didn’t notice the eyes that were watching him, Elizabeta’s holding the most concerned, only leaving a crack to spot, hoping the light of the torch she held wouldn’t be enough to disturb him. It pained her, there was a slight tremble to the hold she had, hoping she could just let all of this fall, go in there and give him all the embraces he needed until he was back to his normal sunshine self.

 “Can’t we tell him another day?” She asked Roderich and Ivan, who each stood by her side holding the same torches, the same seriousness and determination locked in their eyes, in their chest, in their breaths, the prepared tones and approaches that they had long ago set ready for this day.

 “Elizabeta, the writings made the instructions clear, we’re supposed to tell him tonight,” Roderich reminded.

 “We’re already as late as we are, we cannot stall this much longer,” Ivan joined.

 “But he’s not well…he’s hurt, if we tell him this now… I don’t know if it would only get him to feel worst,” she still worried.

 “He’ll have to deal with it, Elizabeta. There is a lot at stake, meaning more than what is going through his heart and mind,” Ivan interjected, ushering and nodding. It had to happen, it had to be told and shown, and so in turn Elizabeta nodded, taking a sigh, breathing in, gathering that strength to begin, starting with the slow push she gave to the door.

 This new single line of light that entered was enough to disturb the darkness Feliciano had adjusted to. He turned and clear in the door was Elizabeta, dressed as regally as she had been for the ball, a proud crown, shinning…and a large torch in her hands. He squinted at it, wondering why it was that Elizabeta had brought something so bright and disturbing to his room, especially in the state he was in. If she was meaning to console him, coming in dressed like she was on her way to a trial and holding an intimidatingly bright burning torch was not the way to do so.

 “Feliciano…” she called almost in a whisper, a slight tremble in her tone that made Feliciano stir in worry.

 “Yes?” He began to rise, Pookie looking just as worried and taking a securing grasp on Feliciano’s shoulder.

 “You…have to come with us, there’s… something we have to show you.”

 The silence that continued was eerie, one that made Feliciano hesitant in the steps he took to come closer, finally noticing that Ivan and Roderich joined her with the same regal clothing and torches. Once he reached outside into the hall, door closed behind him to no escape, did Ivan and Roderich nod and began making their way down the empty and silent halls.

 “Come on,” Elizabeta simply told him, ushering him to follow them across their traverse through the palace.

 No words were exchanged during the process, the palace seeming dead at these late hours, the only sound those of their footsteps, echoing quite tauntingly in the air, making Feliciano tremble the more.

 “What are you going to show me?”

 “Soon enough,” Elizabeta answered.

 “But what exactly?”

 “Something…something that all the kingdoms should have known the moment you were born,” she admitted as much, which drove Feliciano to widen his eyes and worry the more, trembling in nervous excitement.

 “Shouldn’t…Ludwig be with us then?” He reminded.

 “We think he already knows,” Roderich finally said something, just as they stopped before an old tapestry.

 They had reached a centering hall in the palace, one that barely saw any presence of even servants, only the three of them, who shared knowing signals, Ivan offering to move the tapestry aside to show a plain wall. Roderich then moved closer, placing a hand on it, uttering a quiet spell under his breath, letting all watch as the wall rippled in disappearance until a whole new hall was shown, much to Feliciano’s deep impression. The Club royals were by now indifferent to it, having been enough times through this hall to know, readily making their way while Feliciano remained fearful outside, having to be pushed by Pookie to be able to continue alongside them.

 This hall went on in sudden steps in a downward direction, although not seeming as so with the rich decorations that stood. It was rather dusty, older things that must have been left behind decades ago, the style of back then, with paintings, rugs, tapestries, even sculpted designs to match. To Feliciano it was somehow like turning back in time. It was also really dark and having the torches really aided in the steps he took, especially since staircases could appear out of nowhere. Feliciano swore he would trip at some point, especially with how long it continued, surely minutes passing by before they stopped under the largeness of a very ancient door, contrasting greatly with the newer walls that offered its standing. The closer Feliciano came and the more the torches lite up, he began to notice that the great symbol that was presented was actually a very old Heartian symbol, quite weird to see in the old halls of a Clubian palace.

 They didn’t open anything, they still remained silent, yet they turned to Feliciano…expecting.

 “Huh?” He questioned.

 “You have to open it,” Ivan said as if it was obvious.

 “How?” He didn’t see any lock or handle on it.

 “We don’t know,” Elizabeta had to admit.

 “The writings just say that you have to open it,” Roderich added.

 “I thought you had already been through here,”

 “We haven’t,” Ivan said.

 “Nobody has in centuries,” Elizabeta said.

 It only brought Feliciano with more question, gazing over to the door, not aiding at all with the still present confusion. “Then…how do know you’re supposed to show me something? Do you even know what’s in there?”

 “Writings,” Roderich said as if it could clear enough, but Feliciano gazed on rather incredulous to it.

 “King Yura, Queen Adrian and Jack Anikó left behind a series of scrolls, pamphlets and letters in a special chest, closed for centuries…until you were born,” Elizabeta wanted to start clearing.

 Feliciano’s eyes widened at the mention of those names, scared to the connection that it meant to his birth. They were the three who had been rulers of Clubs back for the war of the darkened decades. He knew they aided in the battles to subjugate Khaos, following his great grandfather Romulus.

 “It was all instructions for us, the rulers for when you would be passing through here for the delivery of the Validity Spheres, when they understood you will be ready to see this,” Elizabeta continued to explain, her gaze just as curious to the door, wondering if she would truly see in there what she had read.

 “We know because they detailed exactly the contents of this room. We were instructed to be able to explain it to you the night before you left to the fields, to be guides and give support to how you might react. They drew pictures and gave as many clarifications as they could, we just hope it’s enough,” Ivan said, wanting to be as trusting.

 Although all this just made more tension arise in Feliciano, he still nodded, he still faced the door, now more curious than ever, nervous of course, but if this was something meant for him to see, he knew he had to enter, move across, perhaps to finally be given some new set of answers.

 Although there was no handle, no keyhole, no specific mark, he settled with simply placing both his hands upon the cool and hard texture, shutting his eyes and settling with a simple release of power, something he had managed to learn and control in his recent dedication to his power practicing.

 A response was quickly met, an unlocking that even surprised the other three back, worried over what might be released in the instant. Lines began to glow in a fiery red, a whistle, the start of a song seem to be heard before it quickly disappeared with an acceptance. Ancient slabs moved for the first time in hundreds of years, grinding harshly until an opening was met, enough for the three to pass through, ready as all glows in the door hushed, waiting. The space between was dark, a void that made even Ivan fearsome in entering, the three staring for the longest while at Feliciano hoping he could take the first step, but he himself was petrified to the spot, like it was a looming monster ready to take him.

 Elizabeta, impatient, took a deep breath and was the first to move forward, extending her torch to give it the first glimpse of light in years. Nothing was shown but the height of the ceiling, no walls, only but old humid stone spiral stairs that continued downward, to a reach that not even the combination of the three torches was enough to clear.

 “Come along,” Ivan led. They were still confident of what was down there and were meaning to reach it.

 “Watch your step Feliciano,” Elizabeta warned lastly.

 Feliciano finally came in, the air heavy, dusty, ancient, the weight of all the years seeming to crash on him, it only made him more scared, and like a child he actually found himself holding to Elizabeta’s hand as they began their descend.

 As soon as they settled off, they didn’t distract themselves in any kind of stop, only staring back to Feliciano from time to time to make sure he was with them, that he was calm, still holding tightly to the queen. The deeper they went, the more the echoes of their steps resounded, somehow making this room larger, more intimidating, more mysterious and fearsome, hours seeming to pass of their continuous descend and nothing, nothing, nothing.

 Was there really something down here? Feliciano was beginning to question as they took more steps and yet nothing was shown, the same surroundings, the same sounds and growing darkness, until finally a wall seemed to be formed, introducing them into a spiral motion of the same. This meeting wall was of the same build of the stairs they had been walking on for minutes, just as humid, just as hard as Feliciano extended his hand to touch, somehow relieved to have something surrounding him instead of bleak darkness. Now it was dealing with this smaller spiral motion, dizzying and tumbling, Feliciano so disorientated that he let go of Elizabeta to stop and relieve himself, to breathe, to rub into his head, focusing his vision and headaches. As he extended his hand to hold himself to the wall to continue following the rest, he didn’t come into contact with hard rocky texture but the smoothness of old marble. His eyes followed and he saw a small image, one of a sculptured woman seeming to fly on some current, a hand extended as if she was holding a bow, her aim directed at the figure of a man falling under her defeat. For something so small it looked quite nice, in an old Heartian style, surely from the Grecian province, telling a sort of story no doubt.

 As he moved his hand about hoping there would be more, his hands met instead the starting of a wave of blue mosaics, growing, turning, spreading around the tunnel that they all began to enter. The light of the torches made it alight wonderfully, the large image of a city, at the bottom a union of all kinds of citizens, seeming to gaze forward to the spectator, all their chest alighted in one single light, connected to one figure shinning high above all, in her chest the biggest of those lights that she seemed to spread. Beautiful, Spadian, surely from the Indian province.

 As they moved around it, a particular star formation shinning right behind the figure caught Feliciano’s eye, recognizing it as the very one that had been designed in all the floors of the castle and palace throne rooms…it was the first time he saw that symbol outside of them.

 As they exited that design, they met with several others telling the same story, of the same woman reigning, offering this kind of light with the same stars in her background, decorated in different kinds of glass, crystals and stones. Feliciano saw it in the form of different cultures, like Arabic ones of the Diamond Kingdom, forms of the Oralee in the Spade Kingdom, jades of the Japanese province in Hearts and gems of the Austrian province in Clubs.

 Slowly it turned into paintings, this tunnel space beginning to elongate to showcase more and more and more, an array of stories, of scenes, of the same woman, in different forms, colors, shapes, made by different kinds of people, all of different provinces and kingdoms, but somehow Feliciano knew they were all drawing the same person…especially when she always held the same Heartian symbols, sometimes accompanied with a powerful and large St. Mark.

 The paintings showed activities such as her as a child, with a group of angels, of running in white fields of surely the past white kingdom, others she was with the presence of a man of darkness, ultimate distaste shown in her facial expression. There were ones of imperial power that made her stand largely, of offering a shine to crowds, of crowds offering to her, of immense power flowing from her, as if creating the winds, the seas, the stars or taking part in the actions of battles, of fierceness, in the feast of blood, of weapons, seeming directed at the same male.

 Along with the St. Mark, the same weapon was always in her hands…but was it a bow or even…a harp? Was she actually using a harp to reflect so much power? Feliciano questioned, truly enamored with the idea, remembering how he himself had made a harp bow when his power first got activated. Then there were the ones of her with a beloved, Feliciano knowing with so much dedication given to their gazes, a symbol of intensity always used, starts coating in their kiss, embraces in passion, a love true and intense, no other kind repeated in the images she appeared alongside three others and other two always coated in darks and whites.

 Feliciano was so distracted with the ceiling and the walls that he had almost stumbled with a statue, noticing then several others covering the floor they had reached. It was as the rest, of the woman in different poses, forms, materials, the same symbols of Hearts, but yet in styles of different kingdoms. There were small ones, large ones, fountains, even designs in small little rocks, all expanding until they reached an area of walls, of murals, of even buildings and temples. The same story was shown in their walls, in their gates, whatever space needed to tell its fullness. They grew larger and larger, points that Feliciano’s eyesight couldn’t reach, an array of colors and presence of kingdoms that lost Feliciano for a moment on the fact that they were still in Clubian ground. As he turned, as he looked away, as he let himself get lost in the maze, he distracted in the form of this woman with her harp bow and St. Mark, defending, a story that he was more than curious to know about the deeper he came, with what all the figures, people and angels she appeared with, in dances, in love, in friendship, in war, in peace. His back knocked against a wall in his leisure, a glow of colors meeting him, turning to see quite a temple, coated in all kinds of shinning rocks, in diamonds and gold and jades and emeralds, of course depicting scenes of the woman, yet there was something different…yet also familiar about this temple as he realized.  There was the typical image of her ruling, high above what seemed a representation of all four kingdoms, harp bow and St. Mark with her. As Feliciano spun around its radius, he met the same star formation, the reigning of a man in darkness, destroying, in his hand a light, then there was the image of another man, on his knees, offering, a sort of power reining from him and then lastly…a sudden image of a baby, shinning in a warm Italian village in Hearts…much like his own. Feliciano found himself looking closely towards it, the scene and all too familiar one.

 “That’s supposed to represent you,” Roderich suddenly interrupted, making Feliciano jump; he had almost forgotten he was with them.

 “Me-Me?” Feliciano still questioned, but as he gazed more strongly, he realized that the village presented…was actually Barga, his birthplace and where he grew up in. The baby didn’t hold any exact characteristics that reminded of himself, but the connection to his village and the more current Heart symbols made it more prominent…yet why? Why did he appear in this temple that was surely erected countless of decades before his birth?

 “What is this?” Feliciano questioned.

 “You went to Diamonds didn’t you?”

 “Yes?”

 “Did you hear about Hosni and Zubaida’s temple?”

 And that’s when it clicked, that’s when he remembered, the words of Haris from weeks ago, his story connecting and making him realize.

 “This is it!” He couldn’t believe.

 To most Diamond citizens it had been considered destroyed, lost, yet here it was, in perfect condition, as beautifully and filled in the enchanted rocks as they had told him. He was almost breathless as he touched, admiring, but with more weight, more question.

 “Do you know of the tapestries of Jerrod?”

 “Yes, lost, the creation of a Spadian queen,”

 “They’re all here,” and Roderich pointed to the immensity of tapestries showing the same stories, the star formation, the bow harp, the St. Mark, the baby he knew was himself, the image of destruction, of a man, of a woman reigning over all four kingdoms. Feliciano almost fainted as he stood closer, near to falling down to the floor to bow in respect to something so rare and worthy.

 “About the Lore Templar?”

 “It’s here?”

 Roderich pointed to a roundabout of pillars, each holding a different statue, all pointing and connected to a center of stars, which held a baby, this one with more form but looking nothing like Feliciano, who stumbled as he came into contact with it, widened and trembling.

 “The Verissimus chart?”

 “Oh gods…”

 “Here,” and Roderich pointed to the circular large shield hanging above them, this one a more precise descriptions of the stars, of dates, a calendar, constellations, at its side the symbols of the woman.

 “Roderich, we found it,” Ivan called from deep within the maze of relics, hidden well from them but luckily they could still see the glow of their torches.

 “We’re on our way,” Roderich called back, ushering Feliciano to join him.

 “Feliciano, we’re soon going to explain everything that is here, a story that has to do greatly with the past, but also with the coming future, but before any of that, we’re going to show you…a specific mural.” It was right into the next coming entrance, but they both suddenly faltered in going, surely nervous and trembling.

 After Elizabeta had taken her look, she moved back to join them, giving them an assuring smile. Before they came into the discovery, Roderich moved in front of Feliciano, taking his breathes before he continued.

 “This mural…was created by Pisa herself, which holds an exact image of this… woman,” Roderich looked around the room to assure Feliciano it was the woman that was well worshiped all throughout this cave.

 “It was made back when they could still share a plain, in honor of what…we shall explain soon enough,” was the last warning Roderich could give. He nodded to Elizabeta and she offered her arm for Feliciano to take. With barely any breathe, clearly shaking and fearing, Feliciano tried to swallow it all, trying to calm his air and body, Pookie nuzzled into his neck in assurance and Feliciano petted him, the act giving him some sort of bravery.

 Slowly and in hesitance, he took Elizabeta’s arm, who took her own breath before she led Feliciano forward, Ivan already standing before it giving enough light for Feliciano to admire, to truly see and analyze.

 It was tall, to compare to the majesty of the entrance to a palace, the art in it truly a masterpiece worthy of someone as god-like as Pisa. It was all marble, plain and white, but the figures represented there as clear as if they were actual giants standing before the four. As he explored, he noticed that a top chunk of it was not there. As he imagined what could be missing, he suddenly remembered the Luna Rani Academy…the empty case. Was this…was this…?

 The missing piece fitted perfectly, having cut the head of the person who took part in this small mentioning. It wasn’t a big part, but still, this is was it, this was the mural the university was looking for, gripping harder to Elizabeta as he realized.

 Deciding to continue the exploration of his gaze, he noticed that all the figures held a story in the bottom of their robes or above them in their items. They were of creation, of childhood and of rebellion, continuing in an order with each of the six people represented. One held the symbol of the White Kingdom, one the Black Kingdom, one the Club Kingdom, one the Spade Kingdom, another the Diamond Kingdom and finishing in the center with a woman who held the Heart Kingdom. When Feliciano’s eyes fell on her, he instantly gasped, he brought a hand to his chest, his heart beating so fast it verged on exploding out to join with the surprise and bewilderment.

 The curls, the facial features, the same glow that was in his golden eyes, even her stance and how her long hair fell…an uncanny resemblance to those of his family, more so than any paintings of Romulus.

 His grandfather had something from her, his brother, his aunts, his uncles, his cousins, especially his mother, especially…himself.

 The mural made it obvious that this woman was a Vargas.

 “Wha-what-what-wha-what…what?” Feliciano’s breaths continued in an unease, heavier, making him even dizzy, thanking the fact that he held to Elizabeta to not completely loose himself.

 She took it upon herself to officially tell him.

 “This woman is your great grandmother, Feliciano. Augusta, the Ace of Hearts.”

[thedefinitionofbts]

Our First and Last (Ch. 3)

Ch. 1 | Ch. 2 | Ch. 3 | Ch. 4 | Ch. 5 | Ch. 6 | Ch. 7 | Ch. 8 | Ch. 9 | Ch. 10 |

Ch. 11 | Ch. 12 (Final)

Pairings: Jeon Jungkook x Reader (MAIN) | Park Jimin x Kim Taehyung | Jung Hoseok x Min Yoongi | Kim Namjoon x Kim Seokjin

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Soulmate Au, Scifi

Words: 4K

“He’s a genius”

“I heard he’s the one who uncovered most of the information we know about dimensional universes.”

“He published an book on space-time when he was 23 and got tenured as a professor in the university’s theoretical physics department at age 25.”

“That’s crazy!”

“I also heard he’s still single”

“Gross, you know students can’t…”

You stop listening once the girls began talking about things you weren’t really interested in. You were sitting on a bench by the fountain at your college campus, when you overheard some girls talking about the most famous professor at your university. Could this be the guy Jungkook was talking about? You think to yourself, as you pretend to flip through the pages of your textbook while eavesdropping.

The endless search for this so-called “guy who will tell you everything you need to know” has continued in vain since Jungkook had brought it up the day before he left. It’s been months and you had no luck in this quest to find answers. That is, until now.

You quickly run to the university’s information desk and look up this so-called genius professor in the university staff catalog.

Professor Kim Namjoon

Theoretical Physics Department

Building W-52 Room #701

Office Hours: 6am-6pm

You didn’t even have time to think before found yourself running towards the physics building on the other side of campus. You sprint through the courtyard and over the Stonebridge, crossing the river, before you finally reach the east bank. The buildings were much older there, and their stonewalls were covered in blue-green ivy. It was a quite area, and from what you knew, most students strayed away from majoring in physics these days. Claiming the job outlook was not too good and the thought of being a nerdy professor was unappealing.

You walk through the empty hall. It was quiet, dimly lit, and smelled of old books.

“Can I help you?”

You turn around to see a lady peaking at you above her reading glasses. She exuded a kind aura and you could tell her age was up there from the way her short, curly gray hair shone under the lamplight.

“Um, I’m looking for Professor Kim Namjoon.”

“Oh, he’s in the library on the second floor.”

You politely thank her and walk up the round staircase. The wooden steps would creak ever so often, but you still tried to be as quiet as you could, not wanting to disturb the silence.

The shelves of the library were so tall they looked like they reached all the way up to the high ceiling. The books were thick, the type that you didn’t even bother looking at because you knew you would never have the patience to read through it all, the type that would make your backpack so heavy it could cause chronic back pain and other spinal health issues. You shiver at the thought of having to haul such monstrous things to and from school. No wonder students rarely come here.

The place is empty, completely void of living beings, other than the man sitting at a desk in the center of the room. Must be him.

“Professor Kim Namjoon?”

The man glances up from the book he was absorbed in, his face looking much younger than you had previously imagined. He looks around confused before his eyes locate you standing by the doorway.

“Yes?” He says, taking off his spectacles and signaling for you to approach him.

“Umm, I have some questions about the Yin and Yang dimensions” You say, voice slightly shaky because you didn’t know if this was something he’d be willing tell you about, and you also didn’t know if he was busy doing something actually important and didn’t want to be bothered at this moment.

“Of course, that’s my favorite topic to talk about” His mouth forms a wide smile that put his dimples on display. You feel your previous hesitation dissipate at his positive reaction.

You slowly but steadily begin asking about the cycles. Are they really 100% accurate and if “glitches” were possible, in which Namjoon just chuckles, saying that it depends on how you view accuracy in the scientific world, in other words, do you consider a small error rate to be negligent.

You continue on and finally sum up the courage to bring up Jungkook, once Namjoon has made it clear that he has always strongly believed that glitches are very much real, and that he knows way more than you expected.

“That’s amazing!How do you know all this?” You ask, genuinely curious and in awe of how much information and knowledge the man seems to be able to contain in his brain, after he has explained everything about the Yin-Yang dimensions down to the last detail.

“You’re forgetting I’ve dedicated my life to researching different dimensions of the universe” Namjoon chuckles, grabbing another book from one of the old dusty shelves of the vast library and walking over to his cluttered desk.

“The transition period occurs when you two meet at the same age.” He proceeds to explain. “Meaning, you’re going to have to travel through the portal to meet him, instead of the other way around.”

“That’s in a little over a year” You whisper to yourself. At first you thought it was too soft for Namjoon to hear, but he surprises you by nodding his head knowingly.

“What happens if I don’t?” You ask, out of pure curiosity, cause god knows you wouldn’t be able to resist doing anything you could to see Jungkook. But you were just wondering if changing something so key to the process would alter it entirely.

“Then it all ends” Namjoon says, peaking at you above his glasses. His head was still tilted down at the book as he licks his finger to turn the page.

“You mean… I won’t ever see him again?” You ask, trying to keep your voice steady, but it comes out shaky enough to expose how terrified you were at the thought.

Namjoon sighs and shakes his head. “You won’t even remember such a person even existed.” He says, causing your legs to go numb, and you to almost stumble and fall backwards on the hard wooden floor.

“But what happens on my first and his last meeting?” You ask when you’ve finally regained your balance, remembering that the inevitable day will come, and this is your chance to find out more than you ever could anywhere else.

“The next time he is born and ages up, and you are old and start aging down, it will have been like the glitch never happened as the cycle starts anew, and the thread of time realigns.” Namjoon’s voice is steady and even. He seems to be reading an important passage from the book in front of him as he answers your question. “You’ll forget meeting him in the Yin dimension and he’ll forget meeting you in the Yang dimension, meaning both of you will lose all the traces of the memories you had of each other.”

You want to respond, but your throat has gone dry and the room feels like it’s spinning. You grip the edge of the table and bite your lower lip, trying to stop yourself from falling backwards and just fainting.

“Unless of course, the legend is true,” He says, noticing you haven’t responded after a long silence.

“T-the…. legend?” You croak, barely audible, but the professor’s ears are sharp.

“Park Jimin and Kim Taehyung” He states, matter- of -factly.

“Oh” You say, furrowing your eyebrows and recalling the famous tale.

“Funny thing is, that story is the reason I’m here today.” Namjoon chuckles again. “I was so obsessed after hearing that story as a child that I couldn’t stop thinking about it, which lead to developing a passion for studying universes and researching space-time, and here I am.”

“Were they really lost in the depths of a black hole in the end?” You ask, wondering if that’s the only other option for you as well.

He shakes his head and sighs.

“That’s a simplified version of what happened. But in reality they actually jumped into a wormhole, only to reach another dimension where they could live together happily for a set amount of time, meaning their lives would inevitably end one day. But we don’t know what happens to biological life after organisms die in that other dimension.” Namjoon folds his hands together and pauses before continuing. “According to my research, the most plausible explanation is that their essence just ceases to exist, but the people there believe they either go to a place called “heaven” which is so glorious its inconceivable by imagination or “hell” which is a fiery pit of doom.”

“Complete bliss or unbearable pain. It sounds risky and scary.” You shiver a little as you try to wrap your head around the foreign concept.

“What did he do?” Namjoon suddenly asks.

“Huh?” You lift your head to look at him confused. The professor is looking at you with an unreadable expression.

“On your first his last”

“Oh, he….” You close your eyes and picture the day you first met Jungkook. The memory was fuzzy, and your head almost hurt trying to conjure the time you saw him disappear for the first time from the back of your mind.

Then you see it. Clear as day, sending goose bumps shooting down your spine.

“He jumped into a black hole”

“Sometimes those dreams are so vivid they feel like events that actually happened or something.” You explain to Dr. Kim, your primary psychologist, as he calmly takes note of your every word, writing all the details down in his notebook.

It was only the fourth session you’ve had since entering the clinic, and you’re already finding it much easier to remember the dreams you have at night. Before you sought treatment you would wake up in the morning covered with cold sweat and clammy hands that shook nonstop, not being able to recall a single memory from your dream the night before, even though you knew you dreamt of something because of the lingering intensity of the emotions you would wake up to.

“What is the closest feeling you can describe from those dreams?” Dr. Kim asks, looking at you with furrowed eyebrows. His gold brown bangs covering the wrinkling of his forehead.

You take a moment to think. Attempting to find the right word to describe the feeling that has been familiar to you for most of your life.

“Longing” You finally say, feeling a bit vulnerable admitting it so openly.

Dr. Kim nods and jots a few things down in his notebook. Before he’s able to ask the next question, you hear the door open slightly, and someone peak their head in. He was also a young man in his mid-twenties, probably the same age as Dr. Kim, but he had pale pink hair, and was slightly shorter in stature.

“Taehyung!” He says excitedly as he walks in the room. He closes his mouth when he notices you sitting on the leather couch across from Dr. Kim, clearly in the middle of a session.

“Dr. Park, we promise our patients privacy” Dr. Kim, closes his eyes in annoyance as he turns around to give the pink haired doctor a scolding look, but the tone in Dr. Kim’s voice is not harsh, and you can tell they’ve known each other for a long time.

“Sorry, I forgot you were with a patient.” The pink haired doctor says as his cheeks flush a shade similar to his hair color. He begins to slowly back out the room, but your words bring his feathery backward steps to a halt.

“Oh no, it’s completely fine. My session is almost over anyways,” You say, waving at Dr. Park to stay in the room. He hesitates for a second, but ends up beaming at you for being so chill about it, because some patients tend to have explosive tempers.

Dr. Kim sighs. “Please make it quick, Dr. Park” He mutters.

“Eh, why are you being so formal?” Dr. Park says with a smile that makes his eyes disappear into crescent moons. “I’m not used to you not calling me Jiminie,” He says, almost coming out as a whine.

You almost choke on the saliva you were swallowing as you hold back a laugh. Dr. Kim’s cheeks are heating up as he tries to not die of embarrassment. His fingers fidget with the note taking pen he’s holding in his hand, waiting for Dr. Park to just cut to the chase.

“Oh yeah, I came to tell you that we just got a new addition to the clinic. He’s some MD-PhD neurosurgeon going by the name of Dr. Jeon.” Dr. Park says remembering why he burst into the room at such an awkward time.

“A new doctor?” Dr. Kim says utterly confused and surprised at the same time. “But didn’t we make a pact that this clinic would only be run by you and me?” He says, voice rising a little.

“Whoa, Taehyung, calm down, he came as a patient” Dr. Park explains. “I just diagnosed him with depression. He should’ve came in the earlier stages of his condition, but his superiority complex has hindered him from accepting he’s in desperate need of help.”

“Well, what can you expect from an MD-PhD neurosurgeon. They’re geniuses that have been praised all their lives. It’s understandable why he wouldn’t accepted it right away.” Dr. Kim says.

Dr. Park nods and exits the room after apologizing to you one last time for the interruption.

“So where were we?” Dr. Kim says as he turns his attention back to you.

The first and last time you and Jungkook were the same age was on your twentieth birthday.

It was strange because he jumped into the portal the same time you did, your first his last, which lead to the two of you entering the heart of the glitch, the dimension where Yin and Yang collided due to a somewhat minor flaw in the design of the universe.

That was the year the two of you got to spend time in the most beautiful, most complete image of the world. A perfect combination of Yin and Yang, a dimension that transcended time and space and only existed because of that 0.0000001% error in the otherwise near perfect flow of the cycle.

The world wasn’t completely cool toned anymore, and according to Jungkook it wasn’t completely warm toned like the Yang dimension either.

For the first time, you were given the honor to witness what it looked like when the flowers in the field encompassed all the colors of the rainbow from the bright red glow of molten lava to the crystalline blue of an ice palace, and the grass was pure green, unlike the bluish tinged sort of green you’ve known all your life.

The sunlight was warmer than you were used to, but it was reminiscent of the feeling of being in Jungkook’s presence.

There was so much to see and so little time, but that wasn’t going to stop you from making the most of a one-time opportunity.

“Wow, it’s beautiful,” You exclaim as you absorb the magnificent scene of the seaside presented before you. The warm blush of the red beach at sunset meeting the cool blue waves of the aquamarine ocean, sending cool surges of clean air tainted with hints of salt rushing towards your face.

“I can’t believe we actually made it before the sunset” Jungkook says, staring in awe at the swirling pinks, yellows, oranges, lavenders, and blues painted in the sky.

You guys had spent the entire day on the road, riding on trains and hiking through forest-covered hills, hoping to finally reach the threshold where land meets sea.

You’re so excited that you suddenly grab Jungkook’s hand and run towards the cool foamy waves, laughing and feeling more joy than you’ve ever felt in your life. You hear Jungkook’s playful laughter echo behind as he follows your lead. The moment you guys reach the wet sand, you take off your shoes with Jungkook mimicking your actions as well. The ground is cool, damp, and squishy, almost acting like a soothing massage to the sore feet you had been walking on all day.

When the clear water hits the surface of your skin, it sends shivers down your spine. You wiggle your toes in the wet sand, and turn to look at Jungkook, who’s staring at you with an amused expression. His eyes glowing warmly from the glare of the sunset, face wrinkled from the smile spread across his face, and hair blown back from the ocean breeze exposing his smooth forehead.

He walks up behind and back hugs you, wrapping his strong arms around your waist as you rest you head back against his firm chest. The two of you standing ankle deep in the water, mesmerized by the sun lowering itself below the horizon, at the line where the sky meets the sea.

Before you even realize it, another year passes, and this time you find yourself swirling through the dimensionless portal again, on your way to see Jungkook. You have to continuously remind yourself of what Namjoon told you, that you’ve reached the phase where it’s your duty to get back to him since he hasn’t traveled through the portal yet in his timeline.

Put nicely, traveling through a space-time whirlpool was extremely uncomfortable. The spinning made you nauseous, and you felt like you were being pulled in a hundred different directions.

Every cell in your body was screaming in protest but despite that and the constant fear of not knowing when it’s going to stop or where it was actually taking you, knowing you would get to see Jungkook at the end of it, even if it was only for second, gave you the strength to put up with virtually anything.

When the spinning stops, you make a feeble attempt to open your eyes. The sunlight was too bright, too vibrant, almost blinding, and the ground you were sitting on was hot, too hot, causing beads of sweat to emerge from your skin.

“Jungkook?” You call out.

No answer.

You blink a few times to help your eyes adjusts to the brightness.

“Y/N!”

You whip your head around and almost burst into tears when you see the nineteen-year-old run up to you. Oversized white t-shirt and jeans. Classic Jungkook.

“How do you survive in this heat?” You ask, desperately fanning yourself with your hand, but it doesn’t really do much at all.

Jungkook laughs, his youthful appearance was glowing radiantly in the warm-toned environment.

“You look and feel cold though” Jungkook says, ask he playfully pokes you in the arm.

He wasn’t joking. You were sucking in all the heat from the surrounding area because thermal energy moves from high to low. Now you understood why you always felt warm when Jungkook came to visit you in the Yin dimension.

“We could take a walk in the shady forest” Jungkook suggests.

You nod, eager to get out of the burning sunlight.

The forest was overgrown with vegetation, and there was a narrow dirt path that led to a clearing in the middle. You notice the various species of trees that had bark ranging from chestnut brown to almost a sandy yellow. Their leaves were bright green, and the wild flowers scattered amongst the grass were vibrant oranges, yellows, and reds.

It was slightly less hot, but the temperature was still higher than you had ever experienced in the Yin dimension, even in the middle of summer.

“There’s a place I’ve wanted to take you” Jungkook says.

You follow him as he expertly navigates through the overgrowing plants, and helps you step over crooked rocks and fallen trees.

“Sorry about the inconvenient path, but this is the easiest way to get there”

And that’s when it hits you that he’s probably done this many times, too many to even count, just so he could find an easier path to bring you along.

Soon you hear the sound of flowing water and Jungkook turning back to tell you “we’re almost there”. His excitement contained in that same adorable bunny smile.

It wasn’t long before the two of you reach the second clearing, and the rushing waterfall greets you with its fresh scent of nature and musical splash of clear water. You stare at it in awe, soaking in every last detail of the dazzling image, feeling a wave of excitement saturate your body.

“Dr. Jeon Jungkook?” Jimin breathes, as he hastily opens the door to his office, shocked to see the man soaking wet from the rain, looking like he’s going to pass out any moment as he leans against the door pane.

“Let’s just get this over with,” Jungkook huffs as he pushes past Jimin and plops down on the black leather couch, not bothering with any formal greetings.

“Forgot your umbrella?” Jimin asks raising an eyebrow and grinning slightly at the sight of the lean, toned man whose white dress shirt is now clinging to the curves of his chest and shoulders.

“No, I felt the urge to take a shower in my clothes” Jungkook retorts sarcastically, he sounds annoyed, as always.

Jimin sighs. This was the third session with Dr. Jeon, and they still haven’t gotten anywhere. He was resistant, not willing to open up no matter how hard Jimin tried to ease his way into Jungkook’s mind.

“Is this what you get paid to do?” Jungkook asks, staring at Jimin now. Eyes like dark orbs piercing through the soft soul of the pink haired psychologist. “Ask meaningless questions that you already know the answer to?” The sharpness in his voice was evident, and it was clear he was there against his will.

Jimin can feel his own anger and annoyance rise, but he’s had enough years of training to know that Jungkook is just saying these things to hide his vulnerability.

“Well, let’s just get started shall we?” Jimin says, taking a deep breath and sitting down on the couch directly across from Jungkook, ignoring his previous attacking question.

Jungkook doesn’t respond and instead just looks out the window at the pellets of rain splashing against the large glass windows. The storm continued to drown out the view of the city outside, and all that was visible was the mix of blurry gray buildings and distant lights.

“Did you do anything today?” Jimin proceeds to ask, while taking out a pen and notepad.

“If a ten hour extracranial to intracranial arterial bypass counts, then yeah” Jungkook says absentmindedly, still avoiding eye contact with Jimin.

“Did you feel that the procedure was mentally draining or was there any physical fatigue afterwards?” Jimin asks, looking at Jungkook intently.

Jungkook huffs out a mocking laugh. “Look, Dr. Park, I’ve been doing this for years, I think I can handle whatever my jobs requires of me without complaining about feeling….’tired’” He looks down at his hands, dark wet bangs partially covering his eyes. He’s fiddling with his fingers, feeling a slight tremble due to the strained muscles in his wrist.

Jimin nods, already used to this kind of response by Jungkook.

“Are you able to recall any dreams at night?”

Jungkook slowly lifts his head and looks at Jimin, caught off-guard by the sudden change of topic, with no transition, no warning at all. Jimin had never gone as far as to ask anything about his personal life, wanting to ease his way towards Jungkook’s trust by only talking about work related topics, but it wasn’t working and crawling at a snail’s pace was not getting either of them anywhere.

The psychologist stares back, patiently waiting for the neurosurgeon to answer.

“They’re vivid and I can spell out everything to the last detail, except one aspect.” Jungkook says, biting his bottom lip, regretting the words even as they came out of his mouth.

“And what is that?” Jimin proceeds, voice even with no trace of hesitation.

“The person that consistently shows up in every single dream, but I can’t see their face and I don’t know who it is.”

Jungkook stares blankly at the coffee table situated between the two of them, unsure if telling Jimin any of this will even matter. After a long moment of drawn out silence, with nothing but the pitter-patter of the rain echoing past the window, Jungkook’s voice finally cuts through the room once again.

“It’s like I’m reaching out for someone I can’t see.”

...

[jeffsalbumoftheweek]

The Bitter Roots Waning Days Interview

As it happens, my would be band, The Bitter Roots will be releasing our 5th Album, Waning Days, on October 27th.  Whenever I put out a new album I like to blog a few words for those lucky few that may have the time or inclination to read more about what went into making the album.  Despite what some folks may believe, it does not take 3 minutes to record and produce a 3 minute song.  An album usually takes me a few years to write and record.  Art is the labor of love.  So if you might indulge me...

This time around, instead of aimlessly ambling on of my own account, I thought it would be fun to do an interview.  With all the fake news floating around out there, who better to trust, who better to conduct this important interview, than my old friend Yale Kaul.   All star drummer, fellow Missoulian, Go Griz, former moderator of the most excellent pre-social media blog Yalestar, and also a frequent contributor to the former Missoula music scene, fanzine, Shat Upon.  So take it away it Yale, give me your best shot.  Order Up.

Y: Congratulations on the new album. What is this, your fourth or fifth one with this band?

J: Thank you.  Yes, this is the 5th full length TBRs record in 10 years now.  I really like to stay busy writing new songs.  I love to make and record new music, and so does Ben.

Y: Where's that on the cover? It looks like Central Washington perhaps? 

J: You have a keen eye.  That photo was taken looking due north off the I-90 overpass at the Templins exit just east of Ritzville.  I took it through the windshield with a cell phone.  I was driving back to Seattle by myself shortly after the death of my Mother in Law as it so happened.  I think the image captures the state of our crumbling and adrift former American Empire rather nicely.

Y: Is our crumbling empire a theme of the album overall?

J: You know, at first it was, because the album started to come together around the tracks Informed Consent, I am Nobody and Cuddly cats.  We had been jamming those out live quite a bit before they went to tape.  They are all pretty dark on subject matter lyrically, heavy rock sounds, and you have to remember this album was recorded in the 1st 6 months after the disastrous election.  But as we added more tunes to the album I think it went more from the Dark to the Light. 

Y: About that baritone guitar: is this the first time you've used one on an album?

J: It is.  For the uninitiated a regular guitar has a 25 1/2" long neck and is generally in standard tuning of EADGBE. The Baritone has a considerably longer neck, mine is 28 5/8" and is tuned to CFA#D#GC.  The main driver for it is to create more space in the mix for my vocal range, which tends to have more contention with standard tuning.  Also tuning down 2 full steps from E to C allows me to appear to have a larger upper vocal range, it is easier to hit the high notes when you tune down.  Led Zep did that for that last big reunion show to make it easier for Robert Plant to sing some of their tunes.  As you age, there is no escape for it, your vocal register tunes lower.

Y: Yeah, your voice definitely sounds lower, especially on the first song. So do you guys play live as a two-piece, i.e. bassless? If so, I'd imagine the baritone guitar can fill in a lot of the lower frequencies?

J: We have played out as a duo quite a bit, but not in 6 years, because we had bass players.  I have played the baritone out as a trio and it sounds rad.  For the Duo live, the best rig we came up with is an Acoustic brand 100 watt head, a mesa 4x12 slant cab, using just my acoustic guitars which are a '78 Guild F50 and a '87 Guild JF-55. Those are big concert grand guitars, it can be hard to manage the feedback live, but we dialed it in a few times to good crowd effect.  Neither us much prefer the duo live, there is something about needing that separate low end to really lock with the drum kit, we prefer it with 3 pieces and 2 voices.  I also have a lot of harmonies I need someone to sing with me for the full intended effect in the live setting.

Y: The recording itself sounds very pro! You guys did the whole thing in your home studio right?

J: Thank you.  We do the tracking in my studio which is 24 track tape, it is a good sized studio, it takes up the entire basement of my house.  It has separate rooms for guitars and drums as well as a control room.  Then we take the tape and the machine to Studio Litho where we dump it to pro tools and mix it down from 24 tracks to stereo 2 track using Litho's gorgeous vintage API console.  We do no digital editing or correcting, nor do we use any auto tuning.  We master the mix as well at a separate room that is now called Resonant here in Seattle, where final volume level and EQ adjustments are made on the stereo mix down.  The advantage to tracking at my place is that we can do it as many times as we like because we are not on the clock, under pressure, spending money to use another room.

Y: So when we were younger men, back in the Burnin' 80s™, I knew you were big into Hendrix, Bad Brains, Soundgarden. Obviously your music palate has developed over the years. What's turning your crank these days?

J: Excellent Punk Rock Talk question right there.  I try to check out newer stuff as much as I can.  There is a rock band from Scotland, Biffy Clyro, they sell out arenas in Europe in minutes, they are very very talented, and fun to see live too.  There is a band from Bend OR called Larry and his Flask.  They are the craziest punk bluegrass rag time rockabilly thing.  The Rev Horton Heat are big fans of those guys too, we saw Larry open for both The Rev and Fishbone, so that is saying something right there, they do fish style durges too, its super cool.  But with streaming, I have been able to delve deeply into catalogs of one artist or another.  We could not dream of such access as kids when records were 7 bucks, that was a lot of money back then.  Renting at Rudy's was what 2 bucks?  With streaming I can listen to for instance lately in chronological order as I prefer, the entire back catalogs of Steely Dan, Tom Petty, David Bowie, B-52s, REM.  All the Fat Wreck chords bands Strung out and Lagwagon, those are great bands.  Stiff little Fingers, Smiths, System of A Down, Audioslave, Rage and others.

Y: Also, Ben: he and I went to high school together, although I never knew him back then (he's 3 years ahead). Where's he coming from musically? Is his use of the traditional drum grip any indication? [I may have that wrong, but I thought I recalled him using that grip in early Silkworm shows... And is he involved much in the song smithing?

J: Ben has super eclectic tastes in music.  He loves the Rock, loves to play Rock, also a huge Soundgarden fan, Tool, Stone Temple Pilots etc... But he also listens to a lot of classical and plays a lot of classical music on the piano as well, J.S Bach is his favorite, he also follows all the session drummer dudes and he goes to the clinics and demos they do in music stores when they come around Seatown, guys like JoJo Mayer for instance.  He switches his grips depending on his mood or the song, he also switches at will, left and right handed orientation to the snare and hi hat, sometimes in mid tune, he is that good.  In albums past I have gotten some fine keyboard parts and bass parts from him as well, but for this record I did all the music and words and then as always we collaborate on the drum parts, the tempo and the final arrangements.

Y: So the album is called Waning Days, which immediately reminded me of the book "Dark Age Ahead," Jane Jacobs' last book before she died, where she goes deep on five areas where the west (but mostly the US) is pretty much clusterfucking itself into oblivion (culture-wise, financial, higher education, climate, etc). The book is just over 10 years old and it's looking more and more like she was spot-on. HOWEVER: it must be noted that aside from the album title and cover photo, there's not a real pessimistic outlook in the songs, or at least not that I could detect. So I ask you: am I missing some overarching theme of cultural and institutional decline among the songs?

J: Perhaps.  Track 1 Informed Consent is a song about sexual assault and in particular the demise of Bill Cosby, and Trump pussy grabbing, so there is that.  Track 2 I am nobody is about how as you age and your youthful self aggrandized importance in society wanes, as you just become another average Joe going to the mall and getting loaded too often, the lament of many as you grind into middle age and realize, yup, this is it, this is living, this is all there is.  Whatever you make it or can afford to make it.  Track 4 Cuddly Cats is a direct statement against the music business and the music business in the internet age, where music itself has become window dressing after thought for other commercial ventures, where kitties get more attention than actual artists trying to convey a meaningful message, where fake and sexy imagery is all that matters, trying to sell you stupid crap you don't need anyway.  Those messages are there in the lyrics, however subtle.  So there is some darkness but on the whole the message of the record is counter.  Yeah we are in some Waning Days, but there is hope and light, all is not lost.

Y: You've been at this a long time. Inasmuch as you're able to say, what are some of the lessons you've learned about navigating the music industry, especially now as a man in his 40s with a job and family and so forth? Obviously until about the 2000s people still made a living playing music, but now that number is vanishingly small, and those people make most of their money playing live shows and slinging merch. But at least nowadays it's easier than ever to at least get your stuff out there, right? So what's a person to do?

J: I have never had a record deal, never had a manager or an agent, and although I have played a ton of shows and used to promote out of town shows even in Missoula back in the day, recorded now 11 albums, I never felt like I was part of the music industry.  I have never made any real money from music. I think of myself the same way I am pretty sure most of my good friends think of me too as just an artist and a huge music fan, a recording artist. 

There is no budget in the music industry anymore.  Floyd, our Mix and Master friend of many years now, he is one of 2 guys left in Seattle makes a living just recording people as a hired engineer on a project.   There is no investment in new talent anymore.  Way way back for instance, Journey put out 3 records before they got Steve Perry and then became huge.  Today no record company would give you budget for 3 records in the hopes you hit on the 4th one, no way.  You would be surprised how little playing live pays these days as well, even for artists with hits in their back catalogs.  There are only a few corporations that control nearly every live venue of any size in the entire country who book pre-paid package tours at venue capacities of 250 all the way to 40,000 people.  These companies take a lions share of the revenue, especially in the smaller rooms.  It is corporate parasitic control of the medium and the media, fuck them all.

Despite the relative ease of self publishing these days, It may surprise you that It is not really easier to 'get your stuff out there' anymore because of the complete information overload now, music is just 1s and 0s just like all other commodified information, entertainment and or otherwise.  It is just not worth much anymore because there is just too damn much of it out there, new and back catalog alike. A small needle in a million haystacks.  You can have the #1 record in America buy selling a mere 50k copies in a week.  To contrast, when Nevermind came out in the weeks to follow they were selling 100K an hour, dig it.

So the thing to do is just to be your creative self and do it because you love to do it, because it is a part of you, and be glad you don't have the pressures of an industry telling you what you should sound like.  If you don't get famous in your 20s, chances are, you are not going to get famous playing rock music, so just don't worry about it, don't quit, keep playing, keep creating.  As Tolkein said in the beginning there was light, and there was music.  We are of light and music.  There will always be new songs to write and share.

Y: Well yeah, by  'get your stuff out there' I meant anyone can put their entire creative output somewhere where 3+ billion people could potentially get it, and with very little upfront capital outlay, but then of course it's effectively commodified. And whether anyone ends up giving a shit... that's another matter of course. It's a paradox of unforseen consequences.  

J: Totally.

Y: Well hell, I don't have any other specific questions other than the usual "what's next for the Bitter Roots?" So what's next for the Bitter Roots? Any other hard-fought wisdom you'd like to impart to other independent artists, or to the world in general?

J: What is next for us is more songs and more recording.  We have already started in on a new set, probably take a few years to put out.  No shows planned at this time, maybe in the future, who knows.  I don't have any profound words of wisdom other than, as an independent artist trust your own judgement and don't worry too much about external validation, cause these days the state of shit is as hollow as Facebook.  Stay positive, Trump's days are numbered and we the good, the meek, the thoughtful, the artistic and domestic alike will rise again and steer us all toward a more equitable future in the fashion of MLK and Obama.

[blackglamgoddess]

If You’re Broke, Stop Scrolling & Read This!

I keep seeing what seems like a trend on here....people that are broke are just sitting around and accepting their life and aren’t making changes. I’m here to offer a few tips to you guys because YOU DON’T HAVE TO SETTLE WITH BEING BROKE AF! I’m not even joking, being broke/poor is not fucking fun && no one has to go through life living that way. You will need a mindset shift && I’m hoping this post can do that for at least one person.

1. Your friends- If you have friends that are broke, drop them. If ya’ll sit around all day not doing shit, fucking around, acting stupid on snap, relaxing and shit, drop them. There is this saying that goes something like “ Your income will be the average of the 5 people you are around the most” that shit is true and guess what....that includes family members too. If you want to become rich, you need to find rich friends, and you know what, it isn’t hard at all. As far as family goes, I’m not telling you to cut your family members off....but maybe give them less of your time. If you have a friend or family member that is always broke and asking for shit, do not feel obligated to help them JUST CUT TIES WITH THEM.

If you want tips on how and where to find successful, rich, productive friends, literally google “how to find rich friends” ,“where to find rich friends” or something similar. If you need any help, inbox me.

2. Your Mindset- Fucking change it! Seriously, stop being so fucking negative. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SETTLE FOR ANYTHING IN LIFE! YOU CAN DO JUST ABOUT WHATEVER YOU WANT! YOU CAN BE WEALTHY! I’ll give book recommendations to help with this. Listen, its time to stop thinking white people are the only ones “with money”. You need to know that you can have the things you want just like “them”. Go ahead and get on google (when you finish this post) and look up “law of attraction” just to get a general understanding if you’re not familiar with it.

3. FUCKING READ!- This is so important! Guys, I have a friend (associate now but we were BFFs in high school) that will be 30 this month. She has one child and lives between her grandmother’s and mom’s houses. She drives a car she doesn’t like and she works a minimum wage job as a cashier/ stock person. I’m definitely not judging her but the way she lives should not be how anyone that is damn near 30 should. Anyway, I only brought her up to mention that a few years ago when I was into flipping houses I told her to read a book that changed my life and her response was “Girl, naw, I ain’t tryna read no books, I don’t want no shit dats gonna change my mind n shit”. BITCH WTF!!! The problem IS your (her) mindset! You think the self made rich got there by keeping the same mindset they’ve always had? You think they got their by cashiering? You think they got there without reading? HELL NO! READING IS ESSENTIAL, I really don’t even know why I didn’t make it number one tbh.

There’s another saying/quote that I was told used to be said “back in the day” it goes something like “If you want to hide something from a nigg** put it in a book because they don’t read anyway”......and sadly. most people (not only black) haven’t read since high school. NOT TALKING ABOUT READING FICTIONAL BOOKS TO PASS THE TIME EITHER! I’m talking about self help, business,finance and personal growth books.  This is so important, I really can’t stress this enough. 

If you wake up and log onto social media immediately, FUCKING STOP AND READ INSTEAD.

IF YOU JUMP IN THE CAR AND START LISTENING TO MUSIC, FUCKING LISTEN TO A BOOK INSTEAD, AT LEAST FOR A PORTION OF THE RIDE!

Look, social media won’t do shit for you unless you’re using it for marketing.  Oh and guess what.....that music you’re listening to every time you hop in the car, those singers and rappers are already rich and aren’t doing shit for  you. So stop waking up and doing meaningless shit....READ a book instead.

And I bet, if you ask any self made rich folks how they spend their days, they will mention reading....even if they read books for pleasure now, they’ll tell you that they used to read about business,self help, finance etc when they were still broke and building their business.

Conclusion: Fucking read, get new friends and work on changing your outlook on life. If you find yourself broke af but you and you friends are smoking weed all day or riding around your city not doing shit YOU JUST MAY want to follow the instructions in this post.  

TIME TO STOP MAKING EXCUSES

TIME TO STOP BLAMING OTHERS BC YOU ARE BROKE

TIME TO START WORKING ON THAT BUSINESS THAT WILL GET YOU OUT OF POVERTY

Suggested books:

Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki- One of the most important books you will ever read, it explains how rich people get rich and how poor people stay poor bc of how each type perceives money.  Also, read Robert’s other books.

The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson- Pretty much helps you set up daily habits for success.

Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill- Now this book, pretty much all self made rich have read this book....it talks a lot about the law of attraction and is another very important book.

7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey

The One Thing by Gary Keller and Jay Papsan

There  are a ton more but this is all I can think about right now. If you are able to start just one book right now or can’t afford more than one right now, get Rich Dad, Poor Dad first.

OH AND LOOK UP JIM ROHN ON YOUTUBE, HE GIVES AMAZING ADVICE AND WILL GIVE YOU THE MOTIVATIONAL PUSH YOU NEED, I LISTEN TO HIM EVERY MORNING WHEN I’M DRIVING. Eric Thomas is good to listen to as well.

DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES, A LOT OF THESE BOOKS ARE AVAILABLE ON YOUTUBE AND CAN BE LISTENED TO FOR FREE. IF IT ISN’T AVAILABLE, SIGN UP FOR AUDIBLE (FREE FOR 30 DAYS) AND CANCEL YOUR ACCOUNT BEFORE THE 30 DAYS IS UP SO YOU WON’T GET CHARGED THE MONTHLY FEE OF $14.95......AND WE ALL KNOW AMAZON HAS CHEAP ASS BOOKS....SO THERE REALLY IS NO EXCUSE. IF YOU ARE ABLE TO GET ON TUMBLR, YOU ARE ABLE TO READ A BOOK!

IF YOU ARE READY TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE, YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS OR NEED HELP OR ADVICE, MESSAGE ME. IF YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW TO FLIP HOUSES W/O USING YOUR OWN MONEY, MESSAGE ME. ALSO, IF YOU THINK I SHOULD GIVE SELF HELP, BUSINESS OR FINANCIAL ADVICE ON YOUTUBE, LET ME KNOW.

SORRY THE POST WAS LONG, BUT IT IS WORTH THE READ! PLEASE REBLOG, I’D LIKE TO CHANGE AS MANY LIVES AS I POSSIBLY CAN.