#we had to put her down at the end of september and i just havent felt better since

[relentlessenthusiasmforthebard]

Somedays my heart just aches to hell and back because i miss my cat. If you see this would you reply/rb with a photo of your cat if youre comfortable sharing bc i really miss seeing a cat so regularly

[oncominggstorm]

My sisters are on the way to the hospital right now with my mom, we’re worried she’s had ANOTHER stroke, and I’m just really freaking out.

Vent under the read more

So a little bit of backstory: I have a twin sister & a younger half sister (same mom, different dads, her dad has never been in her life). All three of us are late-diagnosed autistic & adhd, and all 3 of us are in varying states of autistic burnout (I in particular am like, basically unable to function at all rn, like to the point where I’m not sure it’s worth continuing to try to live cuz what kind of life is this). I HIGHLY suspect my mom & grandma are also autistic & adhd, but were never diagnosed (& my mom is not willing to even entertain the idea that she might be autistic).

My grandma has moderate to advanced dementia. My mom & younger sister live with her, and my mom is grandma’s primary caretaker (grandma can’t speak in full sentences, can’t tell us what she needs, and needs help bathing, remembering to eat, cooking, etc.). We do not have any other support. There’s no family who are willing/able to help, and we’ve contacted every help agency we can to try to get help with my grandma, and have basically been told that there is no way to get help for my grandma unless we enroll in a program that will take her house when she dies to pay for the care they give her, which would effectively make my mom & younger sister homeless.

My mom had multiple strokes at the end of September 2021, and then had more strokes AGAIN at the end of October 2021. And while she did recover somewhat, she’s still been struggling with both physical & cognitive symptoms ever since.

After her 2nd round of strokes she was diagnosed with anti-phospholipid syndrome, which is a somewhat rare blood clotting disorder that makes blood clot easier & puts her at higher risk for strokes (and she was already at a higher risk due to her smoking, and also family history - my grandma also had multiple strokes when she was around my mom’s age). She has to go to the anti-coagulation clinic & get warfarin shots weekly. Today when she went they said her blood was much thicker than it should be, and gave her more warfarin than usual.

Today my twin sister was driving my younger sister back to grandma’s (in my car, my sister doesnt have one) when they noticed my mom in her car, driving EXTREMELY slowly, and going through stop signs without stopping, etc. They tried to flag her down but she didn’t stop. My sister ended up pulling in front of my mom to try to get her to stop, & my mom rear-ended my car (thankfully since she was going so slow there was no injury and minimal damage). My mom said she couldn’t remember how to stop the car, and she was very loopy & out of it, and not making a lot of sense.

So yeah. We’re very worried she’s had another stroke, ESPECIALLY since the coagulation clinic said her blood had been unusually thick (aka prime for forming clots that cause strokes for her).

My sisters are with my mom at the ER now trying to find out what’s happening. I’m at grandma’s house watching her cuz her dementia is at the point where she needs 24/7 supervision.

I’m just really worried. Idk what we are going to do. We barely survived last time mom had strokes, and we’re all doing even worse now than we were then.

My sisters & I are all unable to work. My mom was recently fired from her job (due to not being able to keep up after her strokes). My twin sister & I live with our dad for free, and him (plus SNAP & medicaid) are the only reasons my sister & I are getting ANY of our needs met. My mom, little sister, and grandma are all barely getting by with grandma’s social security as their only source of income. No one has any savings.

We’re all like, struggling just to take care of ourselves. Like, I havent showered or brushed my teeth in almost 2 weeks. I havent done laundry in 3. I have verbal shutdowns literally daily. I can’t make even the most basic of decisions. How am I supposed to help take care of my mom (and grandma, since mom was her caretaker and obviously won’t be able to if she’s had another stroke. And caring for grandma is a BIG job).

But there’s just NO help out there, we have tried everything. And even if there WAS help (which again, there’s not), there are SO many barriers to getting help. You have to jump through so many hoops, make so many phone calls, fill out so much paperwork, talk to so many people, etc. It’s like a catch-22; in order to start getting out of burnout & doing better, I need support. But in order to get the support, I need to be doing better so that I can handle doing all the stuff that needs to be done to access help. It really fucking sucks.

Like. I CANNOT handle the higher level executive functioning tasks. I can’t navigate phone calls & paperwork & bureaucracy without help. I can’t do any of it. But I’m going to somehow HAVE to. And I just don’t know what to do. We need help.

[jackedspicer]

my worst mistake ever was giving shnitzel a crush on rhubarb because once i started shipping them i was toast

under the readmore are silly tidbits and scenarios taken straight from some of my instagram stories. it’s a bit of fun

“canon” stuff

September 27:

“lordy there are some bits and pieces about rhu and shnitzel i havent talked about yet...

for one thing. i draw them together a disproportionate amount bc in my brain they dont have THAT much screentime. itd be a sorta thing where rhubarb is in whichever episode for reasons and if shnitzel happens to be in the same room then we see the gag where he gets all stiff and DUMB [id previously talked about how he had a crush on her so bad that he locks up and gets real stupid. think of mr gar from ok ko. it’s like That.]

except there’s one episode where it’s brought to the table called Shnitzel’s Crush or some corny shit and it’s 11 minutes of the other characters mercilessly embarrassing him

also he literally never says a word about it to her. the whole time. hes silent. he just likes to give her a hand and help her with errands here and there. like carrying the heavy stuff for her stand n whatnot. she thinks hes this big sweet fella so she gives him presents sometimes

and we know hes supposed to be this big stoic guy but we already know hes a SOFTIE so you can obviously see him being secretly sweet on this nice mom lady”

November 16

“i keep thinking about a Funny Moment where mung calls rhubarb over to the catering company because shes ‘just GOT to see something’

the camera is on shnitzel who is just mopping when the door swings open and the bell rings

rhubarb walks past and says hi to him real quick and a couple beats after shes gone he just

shatters like glass

and then it just cuts to whats happening”

-

“i feel like i need to go into detail about the glass shattering

he maintains a straight face the whole time.. completely unremarkable

and after a few moments, in a fraction of a second his whole personhood CRACKS across with a glass shattering sound effect.. pieces dont fall or anything, it would be as if a window cracked all over because of something loud

his face doesnt even change hes just there all fucked up until the next shot”

-

“more than anything i am about gags where he cant function around her... over time they just get more nonsensical and painful.. i already said the shattering one but i also have one where a boulder just drops from under his apron and cracks the ground like he shat himself

the comedy of his suffering is integral to the experience”

October 5

“shnitzel will do all kinds of stupid shit just because rhubarb asked him to. there is literally no limit he just bites his tongue and does it all cause he’s not disappointing her. it’s all harmless stuff but if anybody else asked he’d be like... No

like as for the beach episode thing i posted, she asks him to bring water buckets for their sand castles, and even though part of him just kind of wants to just do the sand castle, he buckles down and brings those damn buckets! and he cant work up the NERVE to sit next to her and build a sand castle anyway so he accepts it. also chowder is there and there are too many things that could go wrong. this is his life”

November 16

“i want you to know tht rhubarb drives shnitzel to work so he doesn’t have to take the bus [this becoming routine would actually be later on but the following bit is what’s in the visible window of canon]

so the first time she gives him a ride is when he agrees to help her carry some heavy stuff for her business

and he goes up to this kind of oldish snail car and shes like ‘ahh sorry about all the bluenanas.. theyre for a bluenana bread i havent baked yet you can just put those in the back seat’ because the car is literally full of bluenanas

-

and it’s this really awkward drive because there are bluenanas EVERYWHERE and the stack of things hes holding is blocking his vision and hes almost dead silent all while shes making momversation

-

i forgot to mention that was AFTER theyd stopped at her house to get the things

she baked him cinnamini rolls as a thank you but she didnt know he was allergic so he sneezes so hard her roof caves in so they have to call his cousin beef stroganoff [a chowder oc i made ironically] and his son banzo [short for garbanzo] over to fix it [this was a reference to a post on here about a landlord’s son bonzo coming over to fix op’s roof with a blowtorch].. he ends up taking the cinnamini rolls as payment

-

well okay it’s not the first sneeze that caves the roof in, first he sneezes and shes like ‘oh no! im so sorry let me get you a tissue!!!’ n when she comes back theres MORE snot so she leaves again and comes back with a BATH TOWEL and THEN he caves the roof in”

November 5

[i was talking about how rhubarb’s dream was to have her own bakery before i led up to this bit]

“and in the scenario that takes place 20 years in the future, theyre married as id said before, except mung daal is telling chowder ‘because you never grew up, shnitzel got fed up and left the catering company!’

and then we see him happily married and co-running a bakery with rhubarb. as if that’s a bad thing

‘you fucked up, chowder. you ruined a perfectly good shnitzel is what you did. look at him. he’s got dignity.”

November 9

[this next bit can be attached to the previous thing i said. it’s an ongoing Thing but it’s only seen when theyre like obviously married onscreen]

whenever rhubarb calls shnitzel by a little cutesy nickname he gets all bashful.. he cant take it bro

this burly 7 foot man gets called ‘pumpkin pie’ and absolutely melts”

---

*this was all the stuff i had so far on various stories that take place “onscreen” since i figured i’d get caught up and start posting all the junk i had lying around. i have other tidbits too that take place between the sorta goofy window of canon and the 20-year timeskip, which i might get into on another post. thanks for reading xoxo i love u

[subarashiet]

lifes been weird and sad , got so much stuff i wanna say dont even know if thats the right subred to but here goes.i m 18 , from Greece , first year in Uni and life is not the way i want it to bei live on my own , rent is being paid by mom and her husband , month pocket money given by dad and by my part time jobat some point in high school i understood that our school years were our most carefree years , tho only now do i really understand itman this post is gonna cramp my fingers shouldve used the pcused to hang out a lot till 2nd year of high school then in 3rd year cause of me studying more i was hanging out less , used to have around 4groups of ppl to hang around then only one , cliche but i wasnt anyone special in school , gotta mention i went to a music middle-high school , only highlights i remember are in 2th-3rd grade trading blows with a girl (think she was 5th grade) ,3rd grade kissing a girl in her cheek then running away from the boy-horde coming after me , 4th grade trading blows with a 6th grader ,6th grade punching a guy for calling names my little sis (we good now see him out we talk he a nice dud) , 9th grade a girl i had a chance with but fucked it up big time , 9th grade breaking a cello almost getting expelled ,12th grade playing bass at a concert in Thessaloniki with a music group of my schooldidnt really have many close friends but there were some from school and other places you can call closer friends , but now even with them i ve started to fade away which i cannot bear but i m the type of giving up and not trying until i m lategot laboratory this morning and this is gonna take a while hope i can get some sleepfeels weird using reddit to express my thoughts i even find it a bit cringy talking to myself but oh welli wanted to visit a physiatrist because i ve been so mentally tired that i think i might have crippling sadness xD but i tried to arrange that back in July-August pre my 18th bday so she said a parent was required to be present so i just kept all the stuff to myselfi was learning classic guitar from 1st grade to 8th still play to this day , in music school i kinda learned h2p electric but didnt practice enough to be able to play good , also know some pianobeen listening to post rock and mostly fate music these past 10 monthssucker for good anime tho i ve been out of it lately havent even finished my summer ones , oregairu has a nice ending from what i got spoiled fromanyway thing is i am sad most of the time , i try not to show it cause i like the stereotype of being the strong guy that everyone can depend on and almost never see being emotional and also like the cool tempered guy type , tho lately i ve been craving a lot of attention that i drop the act of the calm n cool sometimesthings with my parents didnt go to well these past years , only now i can say that we ve finally kinda calmed down , mom and dad started falling out of it around 8th grade cause lots of fighting , big sis kindof took the role of mother while on her teen years , feels like she had it much worse than me10th grade sis leaves home to go elsewhere to start studies for uni , i m left with ma and lil sis back homethen i understand that i have to be there for my little sis which also got in my school that year (3kids-3years difference each) so i tried to assume the role of the big brother but she was closer to her older sister than me , i was closer to my older sister as well , feels like i was doing my lil sis wrong but i cpould relate more to big sis and could chat with her more about stufflil sis didnt open up to me a lot even to this day , she has been a lot more comfortable with me through the years i think cause she told me something important recently , kinda feelsbadman tho cause i wanted to be closer to her and i kinda tried but i think not hard enough cause she didnt seem to get any closer , cried once about it in front of my mother which was the absoluteliest worst cause i didnt want her to see me being fragile jesustho even now that i m not home i talk to her play some among us tried making her start xenoverse 2 that didnt go farhave some friends from school , we would only go all together at internet cafes , but mostly 4 of em would go out togetherin my school i had some friends from scouts tooi have an insta , used to post "cool" pics kinda stopped cause i like looking cool in front of others but i havent been in the mood to try in around a year nowused to be in some conservatory guitar groups with some other kids there , with one girl from there i used to be quite in touch until recently that i stopped seeing her for some reasons maybe i ll explain l8rwe had fun and i really mean it , we used to go on trips to play songs on different cities and stages , our group became kinda known the 2-3 good active years we were active , it still is but these years were the originals , now there are other peoplefucking christ its 2:27started playing in that group with the originals in 2017 till 2019 , we were kids from different ages going from 6th to 10th graders but i didnt understand the different in our ages until recently that i found one of the guys from the group in my cityanother closer friend is a guy from my school , met him in grade 7 still talk to him , used to sit together most of the years pretty neat guy , peculiar character but really interesting kind smart and hard workingman why couldnt my teen years be like shirou from fsn that would be awesomehad entrance exams 4-5 months ago , didnt really go as planned , shooted for Corfu didnt get in cause rather than 15 i got 10 in my last exam so i m still in my city , tho i live alone and go to my local uni insteadJuly 2019 i moved out of my old house moved in with ma and her husband with my sis , stayed there till september then till june-july 2020 i was living with my fathertbh i decided to write this post after watching a vid of Korone talking about Okayu thinking that i ve never been in an actual relationship and that i eould want to experience that but dont know where to start from , losing weight ? becoming outgoing again ? learn how to talk to girls ?i started watching anime back in 2015 on my 3ds i remember watching dubbed Inazuma Elevensince like 2 weeks ago i reached 201 anime completedok i ll stop here for tonight cause i got online uni classes tmrw i keep stimestamps for whenever i finally post this -Tuesday 3/11/2020 02:41used to be around 85-90kg in 12th grade , put on around 20-28 kilos since March 2020 , managed to lose 8-10 kilos in the summer but i m still around 30kilos up from the normal amount based on my height , got a subscription to a gym jan2019 but only managed to get into it for a short period on spring 2019 then autumn 2019 then lost motivation and let go , since March2020 i ve been doing some weights at home , tho when i look at myself in the mirror it doesnt really change how bad i feel about my body , i think my old motivation used to be a girl i used to have a crush on but not surethings with my parents werent all that great and i was mentally better when i would talk with them , they are openminded af and supportive too but puberty makes you see stuff differently like everyone is against you like the world is against you (last one might be true dunno yet) , living on my own now seems to be a bit better but as our Greek ancestors used to say theres no good without bad and the bad in this scenario is that its lonely as fuck , having lived for 18 years with my family it really hits a weird spot , everything feels lonelier now with the virus spreading around not being able to see others as much as we used to , uni doesnt feel nice , many people dont pay attention and its like the second half of 12th grade all over againgot my monthly money 4days ago , went from 200 to 9.28 quickly , when i have money i spend when i dont i m stingy , mostly like to build computers , watch lots of Linus , Paul , Kyle , Jay etc. most of my money goes to buying stuff about computers food , used to give lots of money to internet cafes when i used to hang out with the guys from school , not anymorewith the start of uni we all met new friends even i but i still feel like i am drifting apart day by day , stopped talking to my old girl friend cause i was kinda done with her attitude , called me some names i didnt appreciate because i put up with her attitude , most of the time in her own world , only would really pay attention and try to change herself when it was something she cared about , one of them wasnt her character , but to give the goods of her she was a good friend dont know if i can say she still is a friend or just someone i know , she helped me even with the girl i had a crush on , was really fun on trips with the guitar group , all in all a fun person , thing is i stopped texting her and telling her to go out cause it was 80% me trying and the other 20% her and i think that proved right when i stopped talking to her cause i thought she will see that i m not talking to her she ll think somethings wrong she ll message me to go out and have fun , send me a happy bday message posted some pics of me , didnt send me anything else after , stopped talking to her around the start of October , if i hadnt asked her something about her uni and if it wasnt my bday i dont think we wouldve talked in all of october . last saturday i was working in the area she lives in my city decided to call her sometimes didnt answer tried to suprise her and see how she is by going to her house , noone answered maybe they were on a trip idk , but it feels weird man , in the first half of the year me and a common friend of her and me went out one night , ended up being the bad guy to make her understand that she did something wrong that night , after she left i was left with our common friend talked about stuff and mostly her and i expressed myself , i knew that coming summer me and her would end up at different places so i wanted to tell her all the wrongs with her so that she could finally understand what i ve been putting up against and make her understand that she HAS to pay attention to people around her and that she will meet new people and that she ll have to be careful about her character , used to have a bit of crush on her back in 7th grade , can kinda understand why that went . On the other hand i didnt want to part ways with her with our last words being me ranting , one thing brought the other and she wont be going to her uni's city until early 2021 so i managed to go out with her some more in the summer and september . kinda feels bad to see that almost noone remembered my bday cause i remember in cram school when someone had their bday they would get a fucking cake , dont mistake me i got one , from my ma my two sisters and my moms husband , thing is i wanted to have something happen with friends , nothing happend , around 4 people remembered my bday and the others just send me some happy bday messages after seeing posts from the girl i m talking about .also heres a good song to listen to while reading stuff on reddit Sorrow from FSN by MN64 cant post links from what i understandgonna stop here for now might edit later -Tuesday 3/11/2020 15:15thing is reddit is not the right place to get help and i need a friend but it seems i cant get any from my friends , even my other friend the guy i used to sit with in all middle-high school he has drifted apart , talking more with other of his friends doing other stuff etc , that one time i needed to talk to him he said i ll call you in a while , waitied 1 and a half hour then asked him why he didnt call he said he forgot (i think) , feelsbadmananyway i dont think i m gonna keep editing this i ranted enough , gonna leave the post up for a day or so in case anyone wants to add anything then taking it down -Tuesday 3/11/2020 23:58

[gayregis]

Hi, just wanted to ask, how did you get into the witcher franchise (did you read the books before you played the games or vice versa?). Love your blog, byeeee :)

ty for the ask!! i hope you dont mind if i go too in-depth because i was legit thinking about this earlier today... 

tldr: i played tw3 and liked it, then read the books

i got into the witcher because one of my favorite gaming youtubers was doing a playthrough of tw3 on youtube in around i think september 2017. i liked this specific gaming youtuber for being shit at games and not caring about it... but tw3 was a different game. it felt like the decisions mattered, that there was an actual story here, that when this youtuber made shitty decisions and didn’t really care about the characters involved, i got frustrated because this game seemed really good... so i picked up the game myself and played it though, it was magnificent. not to r/witcher “the witcher 3 is literally the best game created in this history of ever” but it was sincerely good... not only does it have a great story, characters, and graphics, but it is genuinely comfortable to play as a game, even if you’re not great at games (i like playing video games but i’m not good at them when it comes to combat, i literally just would prefer to hack and slash through). so, i played through tw3 and the fact that it made me cry multiple times i found to be really interesting... but it was still just a game to me, it wasn’t something i thought about when i have time to daydream headcanons. i had read i think the witcher (short story) halfway through playing, just to get a feel of what tw3 came from, but from that, i realized the books and the games were incredibly different entitities, and i decided to not read the books until i had finished the game, or at least until i had more free time on my hands (mind i was in high school and was a senior, and during this time was when i was submitting college applications... exceptionally stressful, and the reading/writing part of my brain was absolutely fried from essay writing and reviewing). i was particularly struck by geralt and ciri’s relationship and the isle of mists quests fucked me up pretty bad. 

then around later 2017, i was really enjoying tw3, and had finished tw3′s base game and hearts of stone, and was now making my way into blood & wine. i was just playing it like normal, then came the part when geralt met regis. at first i wasn’t too interested (i mean, i was, but in the story of blood & wine, not in the books) until the little journal text pop-up appeared on my screen. you know, the one about quests you just received, or characters you just met. it was going through the motions of saying i finished this quest, picked up this new one, i was all like fine, fine, okay, alright, and then it just fucking puts regis’ long-ass name on the screen taking up a good amount of my FOV and i am immediately like, what? what the fuck? who the fuck? that’s the name? of the guy we just met? that guy??? he didn’t seem like someone with a name like that? who the fuck IS this guy.

so i head over to the wiki page for regis. i thumb through the basic information, i’m pretty interested, this quest stuff to find ciri sounds interesting. i decide to give the witcher books another try, because i have more free time now and am way more invested as everyone here as characters. also, i want to find out more about yennefer, because she was being badmouthed by everyone i saw online, and i wanted to read more about her and see if she was really so bad (spoilers: she’s not at all, the internet is just misogynistic).

i don’t think that i’m going to actually really care about these books, i just want more flavor and explanation about how in hell a witcher met a vampire and these two somehow became friends. so, i don’t care about reading them in order. i go online and find fan translations of every book, i open baptism of fire and i just start reading the bit about the fish soup. i’m suddenly just laughing my ass off, really interested in who these other characters are, milva and cahir, and how dandelion seems to actually be the best friend to geralt that he was said to be in tw3. i also notice immediately that geralt... oh my god, geralt’s such a cranky bitch. i’m SHOCKED at how annoying geralt is. i realize that this is probably what geralt’s been like, this whole time, and tw3 just gave me a sterilized version of him. i’m trying to decide if i like this change or not, at first i HATED it... but then realized it actually gave him a character, where in tw3 he feels a little more... empty, waiting for the player to project a personality onto him.

so, i just read all of the hansa bits of baptism of fire, skipping over anything i don’t understand. i am saddened when i can’t find any more, so i move onto tower of the swallow. and then lady of the lake. “oh, so that’s why geralt was surprised to see regis in blood & wine...” feeling at a loss after reading stygga, i start at the beginning and make my way through the books chronologically, like they should be read. i soon realize that this series really isn’t about killing monsters at all, and i’m thrilled. i thought the series was just going to be about geralt killing things in a swamp and reporting back to whoever hired him, like in tw3... and i was wrong. this series is about personal connections! relationships! ... and fatherhood. [see read more for personal junk]

i can’t remember when i started disliking tw3. it must have been around the time that i finished the books (im using the word finished loosely... i still havent finished some scenes because theyre too violent to read and continue with my day in peace, and i also read tos/lotl by skipping around, so i never got the full experience of reading them as full novels).

i just distinctly remember returning to my tw3 new game+ save after rereading the fish soup scene, and thinking about how lonely the game felt... i just felt so dispairingly alone, this loneliness that i hadn’t felt while playing before, that i had to put the game down. i returned to the game again, but i had just reread edge of the world... and i felt so alone again. 

so reading the books ruined tw3 for me, not out of malicious intent, but just because i think i realized geralt isn’t meant to be the lone wolf. the novels center around him and his family and friends, and i just genuinely missed that when replaying tw3. plus, i began to realize a bunch of things, like ciri’s scar is supposed to be bigger, geralt’s supposed to wear his hair in a headband, yennefer’s hair is actually curly, dandelion’s supposed to actually be in the game. there were so many inconsistencies with the characters i had imagined while reading the books that eventually i just stopped playing tw3 (i already played it once, so nbd) and got really into the books. 

sometime later i saved up like $80 to buy the paperback versions of the books (UK versions including season of storms) because i knew i was in really deep lol and i wanted the official translations super badly, also we were doing an assignment in class that allowed us to do something with our favorite book, but we needed to have it in-person and not as an e-book, so it was the perfect excuse. much time spent on hansa headcanons later and... here we are today.

a read-more, because this is more personal. 

the witcher series picked me up at an eerily appropriate time. two things in it stood out to me: 1) geralt’s relationship with ciri 2) regis’s alcoholism. 

i distinctly remember an event where i started crying in front of my parents because my dad was being so absent in my life or maybe it was because they were arguing, something like this... and i remember referencing tw3 isle of mists quest actually by saying “i shouldn’t have to learn it (good parenting) from a video game” ... lol. it wasn’t an epic burn from a 17 yo, but it was just a painful remark made in anger. i still think back to it because of how first watching geralt hug ciri made me feel and how i was actually really bitter because i was jealous of ciri for about a week after completing the quest. then i kind of pushed it out of my mind and didn’t think so much about it, until the night i mentioned it.

in late march of 2018, something very bad happened in my family. that’s probably the best way to describe it. the situation ended in my parents finally separating. my mom and i were pretty afraid and lost after that. after i had collected my thoughts and everything and went back to as “normal” as i could, about a month later, when the creative part of my brain finally began to function again and wasn’t inhibited due to fear, i clung to the witcher more than i did before... and this time, actually particularly to regis, because guess who has a whole redemption arc relating to not being alcoholic and being a genuinely good person who speaks gently and heals the vulnerable?

[superhero-daugthers11]

Amy`s Halloween Surprise

Halloween was always Amy`s favorite holiday. Her and her brother always loved to dress up as their favorite cartoon and story book characters. When Amy was six she came up with an idea for  Halloween costumes that she knew her parents would love. The costume was carefully planned and thought out since that September. She had to make sure her parents didnt have a clue, while also enlisting some help from other adults.

The week before Halloween, the Rogers family sat in the kitchen for breakfast. Steve sat across from the high chair as he feed Amy`s little brother, Phillip. Phillip liked to play with his food more than to eat it. He laughed and babbled, while also throwing the food off of the high chair.

Steve groaned in exgustion as he picked up the toddler`s bowl from the ground and cleaned up the spilled food. This had been the fifth time this morning that the child had spilled his food. Steve got a new bowl and poured in some cherrios.

"Come on, phillip, please eat!" Steve plead with the baby, as he held a spoon full of cherrios to the baby.

The baby swung his arm and knocked the spoon out of his dad`s hand, Phillip then began to laugh.

“Peg!” Steve shouted. “Your turn!”

Peggy stood at the doorway with Amy.

“You have everything for school, love?” Peggy asked.

“Yeah, mom. I`m all set.”

Peggy kissed her daugther`s head and then hugged her softly.

Amy turned away from her mother and began to walk out the door and down the porch steps.

“Amy!” Peggy called out.

Amy turned and looked back at her mother.

“ Halloween is in a few days and you havent told me what costume I should make you.” Peggy complained. “You said you wanted to do a special costume with your brother, but If you dont pick something soon I might not be able to make it for you in time.”

“We already got the costumes done. Dont worry about it.” She told her.

Peggy laughed.

“How is that-?”

“Dont worry about it,” Amy repeated. “Its a surprise! You and dad are gonna love it!”

Peggy smiled and rolled her eyes.

The day before Halloween, Amy raced off the bus. Instead of going straight home, as usual, she made a stop at the neighbors house. The home of an old woman name Edna, who was a friend of the family. Edna lived alone. Her children and grandchildren lived in another state and often didnt find the time to visit. Steve and Peggy welcomed the old woman into their family. They helped her when she needed chores done or a ride somewhere. They also ended up welcoming her to family functions and holidays.

Amy knocked on the door excitedly. When Edna answered and saw the child, a big smile grew upon the old woman`s face. Amy hugged the old woman`s waist. Then looked up at her with a huge grin.

“Hi Aunt Edna, Are the costumes ready?”

the woman chuckled.

“Of course they are, just like i promised.” Edna spoke as she patted the child`s head.

Edna ushered the child into the house. Then Edna began to make herself and Amy some hot chocolate, knowing they both shared a sweet tooth. Amy sat across from Edna, Amy kicked her feet back and forth excitedly under the table. 

 "Nobody is going to have the same costumes as me and Phillip, so we will win the school costume contest for sure!” Amy boasted. “Our costumes will be the most creative and the coolest ever! You always make the best clothes aunt Edna. Remember the dress you made me for Christmas? I wore it to the school dance and everyone said it was the most beautiful dress they ever seen."

“Your mother had mentioned that when she was over last week.” Edna replied.

Edna smiled, it felt good to be a appreciated, to feel needed. Her family was all grown up and they didnt see a use for her anymore.Since she was no longer helpful, her family saw no use in spending time with her. Never call, never visit...they were always too busy. The rogers family was never too busy for her, they always came running anytime she asked for help. It went both ways though, if they needed someone to watch the kids or help with recipe or advice Edna was there for them. 

"Then one year you made me a sweater with a Dalmatian on it and that got a lot of compliments too." Amy rambled on. “Oh and the doll you made me with the red hair? My friend said it looked just like the ones in the store only nicer.”

Edna sat down with two hot chocolates.

"Where does your mother think you are?" Edna questioned.

"Dont worry she knows im here” Amy shrugged.  “I told mom that we should make peanut butter cookies. I made sure that we made too many, then as expected she told me to bring the extra over for you. She knows peanut butter is your favorite." Amy goes into her back pack, at her side, then pulled out a box of homemade cookies.

Edna chuckled.

Amy pulled off the lid of the cookie box and took a cookie.

"Before I forget," Edna spoke as reached into her pocket. " I wanted to give you the pictures you gave me back. Now that i finished the costumes, I figured you would want them back."

Edna placed the photos on the table. One was a photo of Peggy, dressed in a blue long sleeve dress. She wore red high heeled shoes and a bright red hat. The other photo was of Steve dressed in his captain America uniform, from back in the war.

"So why dress up as them for Halloween? And why these outfits?" Edna asked.

"Mamma and daddy are my heros. I wanna be just like them someday!” Amy announced. “As tough and smart like mom, but also kind and creative like dad." Amy picked up the picture of her mother. "This one is on her first day of work. She fights bad guys and solves crimes! Mom says she was the only girl on the team, but she was smarter and a better fighter than them all!"

Edna smiled. That didn't surprise her she knew Peggy used to be a solider and she was told that Peggy was a cop now. She could only imagine the kind of hardships and discrimination she must of through in her field just for being a woman. Edna once saw Peggy fight off a burglar who tried to broke into Edna home, Edna couldn't believe the type of fighting skills she had.

"Dad was chosen to be apart of a special program in the war were he was....i mean got to work with Captain America."

"Steve was Captain America?" Edna shouted in shock, as she took the picture and looked more closely at it.

"No no no I said he worked with him!! That's what I meant! Don't tell dad, I wasnt supposed to tell anyone!"

Edna chuckled. "Your secret is safe with me, Amelia." She stood up and walked over to the child to hug her. She then kissed her head.

"Your parents are extraordinary people. Not just because of the things they have done in their careers. They are so kind to everyone they meet and they always do the right thing. They even showed kindness to a lonely hag like me. I had no one before your family moved here, my family forgot me. Your parents welcomed me into your family. They pick up groceries for me and help me with the chores i cant do myself around the house. I know it doesn't seem like much but it means the world to me, to have friends... To have a family again." Amy hugged Edna's waist.

"You will always be family, aunt Edna." Amy told her. "You mean a lot to us too. Mom doesn't trust most people, but she trust you. I trust you too, there's a lot of moms on the block who know how to sew and stuff well. I asked you cause I knew you would keep my secret. Plus this gave me an excess to spend time with you."

"Darling, you don't need an excuse to visit, you can come over whenever you like."

After spending dome time with Edna she took the costumes home for the next day. Halloween came and Amy woke up early and got in her costume. She tried to wake up her brother and quietly put him in his costume but that didnt work out to well. She stood on a chair and tried to lift the baby out of his cradle. The baby cried loudly waking up Steve and Peggy. The two rushed into the room and ran to the cradle. Peggy grabbed the child from her daughter.

"Amelia Sarah Rogers what on earth are you doing!?" Peggy yelled. .

"You know your not allowed to hold Philip unless you are with an adult." Steve reprimanded. "You could have dropped him!"

"I just wanted to get him in his Halloween costume, before you guys woke up." Amy told them. "I wanted it to be a surprise."

Steve noticed the Captain America costume in the cradle and then took notice of Amy outfit, of which she was dressed like her mother.

"That doesn't mean you get to break the rules!" Peggy told her daughter. "Babies are very fragile and whatever surprise you have could have waited! We have rules for a reason, Amy!”

"Im sorry, i just wanted to do something special for you guys!" Amy answered as she pouted with sad expression on her face. "The school decided this year, us kids, were supposed to dress up as there favorite heroes for the school costume parade and I choose you guys. No one else can even compare to how awesome you guys are! I heard all the stories you guys were like unstoppable and so cool! You guys always defeated the bad guy and mom still saves world and keeps it safe everyday. What makes it even better is that I to be your kid and spend everyday together and we can create our own adventures.”

Peggy looked over to Steve, her heart touched by her Daugherty words.They both shared a proud grin and Steve picked up his daughter. He kissed her cheek and she hugged his neck.

"Your dad and I are your favorite heroes?" Peggy asked in shock.

Amy nodded. Peggy kissed Amy`s head.

“You are the sweetest child.” Peggy told her. “You never stop amazing me!”

[crazysocklovingfangirl]

My #metoo Story

A/N: this might be triggering to some people. And I am only able to access Tumblr through the app currently. I havent been able to get a read more link in here. So I'm sorry about this long post. But here it is... my story.. thanks in advance if you read it

    I always see these brave women standing up and voicing their stories on sexual assault and sexual harrassment. I just look at them in amazement, because they are putting themselves in the line of fire to tell their story. They are putting themselves out there for the whole world to see and criticize, because “Why didn’t you report it?”, “Were you drunk?”, “What were you wearing?”. All of those questions are so demoralizing. They just strip away at every inch of our sanity. Those questions make all of us question our own stories. They make us be quiet. But I am so glad that there are so many women willing to stand up and speak their truths, their stories. I was so happy when the #metoo movement came out, but I wasn’t able to tell my own story. As you can probably tell by now, I have a story too. So since I wasn’t able to tell my #metoo story when it was blowing up here goes nothing. 

    Just some backstory for this is I am bisexual, I know that shouldn’t matter that much, but it’s why I couldn’t tell my story, because my story involves a girl, my ex-girlfriend. And my family is very conservative, not believing in anything other than straight couples and such. So I would’ve told my story but that is the barrier that was holding me back, that and a few other things as well, that I will get into later. 

    Close to the beginning of my second semester of my Sophomore year in highschool, I started dating this girl. The exact date was February 3, 2017. That is the day I started dating Alissa (Ali). That was the day I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. At this point in time I was 15 and my sexual orientation was bisexual and asexualquestioning. I wasn’t that comfortable with talking about sex or anything and I never really got turned on so that’s why I deemed myself ace. Just thought I’d let you know. It will come into play later. So we were never public with our relationship because she didn’t want everyone to know that she liked girls.. Should’ve taken that as a sign and left, but hey I was naive and thought I was in love. Her mom did NOT like the fact that we were dating. She would take Ali’s phone and text me on it, saying that she was breaking up with me and shit like that. And then she’d delete the messages so Ali wouldn’t know. So we had a code name. She’d call me babybird when she’d start a conversation so I knew it was her. Another red flag that I avoided.

    So, here is where my story begins. One day in May I was talking with some of my friends and Ali was there. We were playing truth or dare and Ali knew that I was Ace, so up until that point we only made out, like kisses here and there. But one of my friends had asked if I was ever going to have sex. And I told Ali to cover her ears and I told them that I was maybe thinking about it. But I wasn’t really sure if that was something I was going to be into or not. So the next day, May 15, 2017, her little sister was having a birthday party at a park and she asked me to go. Early that morning I got a text from “her” saying that I should ignore her and that we were done. But later she texts me and asks if I want to go to the party, so I say yes and tell her what her mother did. We show up early and we walk around the park and she takes me to this place that’s just cement and it’s pretty secluded and we are sitting down and talking. When she gets closer to me and so we kiss a little bit and then she unbuttons my pants, and I scoot back, away from her. But she got closer. And she proceeded to rape me. I didn’t know what to do so I just froze and I guess let it happen. 

    This became a frequent thing in our relationship… She’d start things and I’d say no repeatedly but she wouldn’t listen and it’d just happen over and over again. It happened for the last 4-5 months of our relationship. There are a couple things that are important to this story. She was suffering in her mental health. She would always call me in the middle of the night saying that she was going to kill herself, so that’s why I stayed so long. so much longer than I should’ve. To get rid of the horrible thoughts in her head she would take her step father’s painkillers. I’m pretty sure they were opioids. The thing about her taking those was that she took them throughout our whole relationship. And she would take so many at a time that she wouldn’t remember anything she did that day.

    One day before I went to work I went to her house because she was sick and I wanted to comfort her. We were laying on her bean bag chair that she had gotten as a gift. We were watching Family Guy and she asks if I wanted to do oral and I said no and continued to watch the tv. And she kept insisting and started to unbuckle my pants. She proceeded to give me oral for a little bit before she ran to the bathroom. I took that time to buckle my pants and just sit there staring blankly at the tv. She came back and said that it had nothing to do with me, she was just sick. I didn’t care about that. That was the point where I started to actually realize what our whole relationship had been. I started doing research on coerced concent. And everything started to click into place. But I didn’t want to believe it. The more I thought about it the more I realized that’s what was happening the whole time. I would say no, but she would keep pestering me until I gave in and let her do whatever she wanted to me. One day, close to the end of our relationship we were sitting on my couch talking and she brought up the fact that she in fact raped me. And that’s when it finally stuck, when she said it out loud. She said that she would turn herself in and everything. But it never happened, because the next she didn’t even remember the conversation at all, due to the side effects of abusing prescription drugs that weren’t hers.

    Now, it’s about the middle of September, so the beginning of my Junior year, the beginning of her senior year. So, within the next few weeks I had broken up with her. And I asked her to apologize for what she did for me. And I told her that she raped me throughout our whole relationship. She told me that I was just regretting it later on down the road and that she wouldn’t do something like that. I thought that’d she’d keep it between us since it happened between us. But she went around telling so many people that I was accusing her of raping me. So many people turned on me. One of her close friends was in my Honors Chemistry class and one day he told me that I was overreacting and that nothing happened between us. So, I confronted her about him saying that. And she told me that she had told like 5 people when I told no one. She had told some of our mutual friends. One of them believed my side though. One was on the fence. But the next couple years in our shared classes she had listened to my story and she had believed me and not Ali. But back in my junior year, one of my friends that she told that I accused her of raping me. Around the beginning of February 2018, she sent me a message. It read “hey life is going to be so amazing for you and you deny now but you’ll look back and wonder why you were ever worried”. I knew what she meant. She was there on my side whenever I was going through all of this. Then February 18, 2019, that same friend Rachel Antoszewski died in the early hours of the morning, in her sleep. So, that just put me into an even darker hole that I thought I’d never find a way out of. Around this time she had starting sending kind of threatening messages talking about what would happen if I reported it. She said that they didn’t investigate her rape case and that was real rape. 

    The only person I actively talked about this with was one of my coworkers that had overheard Ali telling her twin sister what was happening between us. So, she took my side and she believed me, and she became my outlet whenever I needed one. And so she was the one that told me that I should tell someone what happened. So that night I went home and I talked to my mom, and I told her that Ali had raped me. I also got some of my courage to do that from the show 13 Reasons Why, when Jessica told her dad that she was raped, that gave some little bit of courage to tell my mom. I told her not to tell dad. But she did. And then they talked to me and asked if I wanted to go to the police, at first I said yes. Then I started thinking about it and I realized that they couldn’t do anything. As it was female on female, and it was months ago at this point. And the fact that she was also on drugs whenever it happened. So, I ended up not telling the police or doing anything further to get justice. I knew that if a case got started that everyone at the school would know and most of them would favor her as she was more popular and she was the girl that everyone would believe. I was just the nerd that had a handful of friends, that most people wouldn’t believe. So, I started writing. Writing about all of the things going through my mind, about everything I’ve been through, and about my healing process. 

    At this point in my life, 3 years later, I would like to believe that I am better, but some days I know I’m not okay. But I know that if someone wouldn’t have started talking to me I would not be where I am today, I might not even be alive, but I wouldn’t know because things went right and here I am. One day a recruiter contacted me and started talking to me about the Marine Corps. I decided I’d go and think about it. And I decided that’s what I needed to get better. So, I enlisted and I worked out every day and that boosted my spirit. And whenever I was upset or down I’d just talk to my recruiter, I never gave him any indicators as to what I was actually going through but he was always there for me. And now here I am being such a better person than I ever thought I was going to be. I became someone I can be proud of. I have taken what I’ve been through and I’m not letting it define me. Yes, I was raped. Yes, I have been sexually harassed. That just comes with being a female. But, I am moving forward with my life, or as much as I can. Hopefully one day I will be able to stand up in front of a bunch of people and be able to tell my story without feeling ashamed. I want to be able to give hope to everyone out there. Especially the LGBT+ sexual assault survivors, because I know that we don’t get that much coverage. I want to be the light that some people need or the one person that gives someone else a little shove in the right direction.

    This is a long one, but this is my story. My #metoo story. And I’m glad that I can finally be able to tell this story. 

    ~Natalia Balog

[thisweekingundamwing]

This Week in Gundam Wing 16-22 September 2018

Here’s this week’s roundup!

Remember to give your content creators some love! And join in on the events at the bottom!

~Mod Hel

Fanfiction/Snippets/AU Ideas:

@anaranesindanarie​

Tequila (Ch. 5-6) https://archiveofourown.org/works/15935852/chapters/37476614

Trowa Barton/Duo Maxwell, Long Meilan/Hilde Schbeiker, Catherine Bloom/Abdul Kurama

Duo Maxwell, Trowa Barton, Quatre Raberba Winner, Heero Yuy, Hilde Schbeiker, Long Meilan, Chang Wufei, Catherine Bloom, Abdul Kurama, Rashid Kurama, Sister Helen, Solo, Maxwell Shinpu | Father Maxwell

Past Relationships, bad breakups, Tequila, Weddings, Car problems, love you so much I hate you

Summary: It’s been four years since Trowa and Duo broke up, and now Trowa is back in town.

@coffeetailor​

Dragon in My Hand (Ch. 10) https://archiveofourown.org/works/1056813/chapters/37376210

Chang Wufei/Treize Khushrenada/Zechs Merquise, Chang Wufei/Treize Khushrenada, Treize Khushrenada/Zechs Merquise, Chang Wufei/Zechs Merquise

Chang Wufei, Treize Khushrenada, Zechs Merquise

Shrinking, Macro/Micro

Hit by a strange and experimental weapon, Wufei finds himself shrunken down to four inches tall, and in the hands of the enemy. Though with the way he's being treated, how long will he be able to call them that?

@gundamwing-ellesmith​

WIP Wednesday http://gundamwing-ellesmith.tumblr.com/post/178250927280/wip-wedensday

Elle’s take on FT Part 4

@helmistress​

Hemlock Grove (Ranch) Bar & Grill https://archiveofourown.org/works/16060238

WuFei Chang/Meilan Long, WuFei Chang/Heero Yuy, Triton Bloom/Duo Maxwell

I kill Cathy. Meilan. and an unborn child in this fic. They are off screen and simply mentioned. But I do it.

Heero is a Chef, WuFei owns a Construction Company, Duo works for WuFei, Triton and Cathy had owned a Ranch., Now Triton owns a Bar and Grill., Quatre is an artist.

Cocktail Friday

Oh, no. WuFei’s eyes closed and he sighed through his nose. “Duo...” But it was too late. The fae creature that was his second in command was already flitting to Triton’s side, a smirk on his face.

@lifeaftermeteor​

Snippet Saturday https://lifeaftermeteor.tumblr.com/post/178360943804/essaouira-morocco-26-march-210-trowa-had

Trowa in Morocco

@noirangetrois​

Snippet Saturday https://noirangetrois.tumblr.com/post/178361225052/snippet-saturday

Okay, it’s now been two Fridays in a row that I haven’t published a new chapter of Waves and a Wedding and I’m feeling rather guilty about it…. life and writer’s block have been conspiring against me. I do, however, have a small bit of the next chapter for your enjoyment. Hopefully I’ll have the rest of it ready for next Friday, @kangofu-cb​!

Fanart:

@cree8ur​

https://cree8ur.tumblr.com/post/170775213161/relena-peacecraft-an-advocate-of-pacifism

Relena Darlian/Peacecraft (something I missed last week)

@lemontrash​

https://lemontrash.tumblr.com/post/178348677174/got-seated-by-a-sports-team-fat-breakfast-also

The Lemon and Duobat

https://lemontrash.tumblr.com/post/178227422194/its-a-tiny-duobat-adventure-reply-to-this-post

The Adventures of Duobat!

@mondaijo​

http://mondaijo.tumblr.com/post/178280694594/commission-for-lifeaftermeteor-for-her-fic-it-all

Heero, WuFei, & Duo

@saffronic​

http://saffronic.tumblr.com/post/178159037509/just-hearing-heero-laugh-like-that-put-a-chill-up

Duo Maxwell

http://saffronic.tumblr.com/post/178161105739/space-kids-not-used-to-earthly-weathers

Duo Maxwell, WuFei Chang

http://saffronic.tumblr.com/post/178162102044/hearing-duo-bicker-with-the-other-pilots-bubbled

WuFei Chang

@satelliteinasupernova​

http://satelliteinasupernova.tumblr.com/post/178329990604/i-havent-drawn-them-in-so-long-that-i-feel-like

Heeor Yuy & Relena Darlian/Peacecraft

@string-gw​

https://string-gw.tumblr.com/post/178134003291

Treize and Van Khushrenada

Photosets/Screenshots:

@animethingsandstuff​

http://animethingsandstuff.tumblr.com/post/178217793245

Heero, Duo, WuFei, Trowa, Quatre, Gundams...

Head Canons:

@lifeaftermeteor​

https://lifeaftermeteor.tumblr.com/post/178328261012

Duo Maxwell

Chats/Discussions:

@anaranesindanarie​

https://anaranesindanarie.tumblr.com/post/178327457054/important-question

Solo’s Gundam

@robo-rad​

http://robo-rad.tumblr.com/post/178162894833/can-i-just-say-how-glad-i-am-that-the-gundam-wing

About Heero

Quotes/Dialogues:

@incorrectgundamwingquotes​

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/178160953204/heero-okay-im-gonna-go-duel-zechs-duo-but

Heero & Duo

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/178360970232/quatre-come-on-okay-youre-beautiful-and-you

Quatre & Duo

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/178346356984/relena-compliment-me-heero-uh-you-you-have

Relena & Heero

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/178346361129/on-a-mission-wufei-okay-we-need-to-think

WuFei, Duo, & Heero

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/178346371334/sister-helen-let-me-see-what-you-have-little

Sister Helen & Duo

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/178328285683/heero-dont-underestimate-us-duo-the-gundam

Heero & Duo

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/178302059511/heero-the-doctor-said-that-i-was-perfectly-fine

Heero & WuFei

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/178274368213/duo-haha-me-i-swing-both-ways-duo-violently

Duo

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/178244552239/quatre-my-tiny-human-body-isnt-big-enough-to

Quatre

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/178256387374/duo-im-doomed-heero-well-you-lived-a-good

Duo & Heero

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/178176970328/reactions-to-i-would-die-for-you

Duo, Dorothy, Quatre, Relena, WuFei, Heero, Zechs, Noin, Sally, Une, Hilde, Trowa

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/178229323202/treize-roses-are-red-violets-are-bluesunflowers

Treize & Une

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/178167639288/une-to-the-gundam-pilots-turned-preventers-im

Une

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/178238797989/trowa-oh-no-you-dont-want-to-befriend-me-im-a

Trowa & Quatre

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/178106856349/zechs-look-noin-you-have-to-treat-a-mobile-suit

Zechs & Noin

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/178003928238/heero-point-is-we-need-to-break-into-that

Heero, Trowa, & Duo

Calendar Events:

@gwcocktailfriday​

Cocktail Fridays!

Post responses on Friday, between 3 & 5 pm EST.

Here’s the prompt for Friday September 28th! https://gwcocktailfriday.tumblr.com/post/178345480540/cocktail-friday-post-responses-on-friday

@gwoc-october​

Idea Generator 2 https://gwoc-october.tumblr.com/post/177537944075/idea-generator-2

Come throw out ideas for this OC October!

Tenative Calendar https://gwoc-october.tumblr.com/post/178002311735/tentative-calendar-please-if-there-are-more

Please let us know if things should be added or moved around!

@lifeaftermeteor​

https://lifeaftermeteor.tumblr.com/post/177748352595/spooky-gw-shenanigans

Spooky Shenanigans at @gw-horror​

@simulacraryn

Heero Yuy Month https://thisweekingundamevents.tumblr.com/post/177808907580/iso-more-heero-yuy-fanpeople

The Month of January (obviously, as it’s 01 *winks*)

Stay tuned for more news!

@terrablaze514

Diamonds in Stars Challenge https://terrablaze514.tumblr.com/post/173450296307/calling-all-gundam-wing-fans

I'm reopening this fun challenge for the Fanbase! OT5 (platonic, friendship, romantic, etc.).

Oneshot fics and poems welcome.

Have fun!

*Ends TODAY!*

[eclipseatdawn]

hello its september first and id like to talk about my weird disconnection from harry potter

some of you may know that at one point in my life harry potter was basically the most important thing in the world to me. i travelled across the us three years in a row to go to fan conventions for it, i spent literal years consuming and creating media for it, it spawned some of my most important friendships and most importantly bonded me and my sister. i owe harry potter a lot. truly.

however i can not enjoy it the same, or even enjoy it at all, since jkrs true colors finally revealed themselves to my eyes. i know the warning signs were there far before but i just hadnt seen or registered them until then. when i was in middle school i literally wrote a paper on how she was my hero, it was heartbreaking for me. but not heartbreaking in a way that i could live in denial about it or pretend it was relevant to her stories. there was a finality to it. i could no longer associate with her. i had to let harry potter go.

its been a slow process. i still have my ravenclaw banner hanging in my room (felt weird to take it down as it was a gift from a good friend), i still have some of my hp clothing in rotation, etc. but since i had to move that meant i had to put all my hp stuff in a box. and its been two years since then and i... havent unpacked the box. theres memories in there. good memories that are now painful memories. im not saying im a bad person and need pity for enjoying harry potter and having those memories but they just dont feel right anymore, they feel tainted by jkr herself.

ive seen a lot of posts over the years saying stuff like "harry potter belongs to neil cicirega now because of potter puppet pals" or "starkid created harry potter with a very potter musical" but we have to address that those things just arent ture. we cant disconnect harry potter from jkr, even in parodies, her presence will always be there. im not saying we cant enjoy these parodies, hell i listen to going back to hogwarts yearly, but we need to face the reality that it belongs to her. her undertones will always be there and no matter how hard we try she will always be associated with it.

i wish i could enjoy something i used to love so dearly without feeling some form of uncomfort, but i cant. not anymore. so ive been distancing myself from it. its hard, its slow, and it hurts. im basically ending a 10+ year relationship. its like you see a box of your exs things, and you remember the good times you had, and you smile, until remembering why you ended things in the first place. you can be happy you had those experiences in the first place, but there comes a time where you have to let it go.

[avengers-athstetic]

Hi, this is my first post and i came up with this on a walk in the woods and i hooe you guys like it

AGENT BARNES AND THE MISSION TO FIND HIM

Peter×reader

Female!Y/N

Blurb:your dad bucky barnes went missing after the battle against thanos. After a month everyone belived he was dead but you didnt so you desided to set off with your best friend by your side to go find him. You start off in the woods he used to always take you to and you would pkay in the snow when you where younger. You knew there was more the forset then the furthest he woukd take you......

~~~~~~

"Y/N hes dead your dad is dead theres nothing you can do" steve stated. "No hes not i know hes out there hes somewhere out there i just feel it in my bones." You replied. "Well anyways im going to bed i ant deal with this shit anymore."

"Night Y/N" clint call out. "Night clint."

~~~~~~

Y/N sighs. "Nat,tony..... i wish you where here i wish you could understand the shit they put me through. If my dad is up there with you say hi for me tell him i love him." You start crying. "Night guys sleep well".

You lay in your bed looking at your stary ceiling. You soon fall asleep with tears running down your red flushed cheeks.

~~~~~~

You wake up to steve on the end of your bed with a cup of coffee and some tost. "You awake finaly, eat up kid you have school in a few hours and peters downstairs ready when you are by the way." You groan. "Already time to get up wow last night when by fast." You sit up. "Well ill be down once im ready then."

You put on this-

"Morning peter ready to go" you mummble whilst eating a slice of toast and grabbing your bag. "Ready then ever Y/N" he softly says. "Bye guys!!" You both shout whilst heading out the door.

~~~~~~

"How was school then Y/N ". "It was ok how about you peter." You softly reply. "Boring to be honest, ill race you to the door" he says when you both reach the gates to the compund. "Oh no you didnt pete."

~~~~~~

"How was school kids" bruce asked "boring" you and peter say in sync. "Im goign upnto my room come get me when foods ready" peter nods at you.

~~~~~~

You slump on you bed and pull out your phone and see you have 3 text messages from your best friend katlin .

Hay, wanna hangout tonight.

Y/N, hellooo you there.

Come on just read my messages do you wanna hangout or not ughh.

"Ugh did she really have to text me that meany times"

You reply with...

Hay,sorry cant hang out tonight but could you meet me at the woods on friday evening if thats ok i wanna talk to you about something. Xx

You get an instant reply.

Took you long enough to reply, but yha sure ill meet you there want me to bring anything?

No need to bring anything and sorry i didnt reply i havent checked my phone all day xx

You switch your phone off for the night and head downstairs.

~~~~~~

"Is food ready yet im starving!" You complain."oh yha i was about to come and get you its on the table." Clint replied. You and peter eat dinner at the sma etime and both head up to your room.

~~~~~~

"Wanna watch a movie?"peter suggests. "Sure dont see the harm in why not, what movie?" You ask. "How about harry potter?"

"Omg yes i love thoes movies we could watch one every night if you want and make out way through the franchise slowly?" You suggest. "Sure." You both lay in your bed and watch the harry potter and the philosopher's stone.

~~~~~

You wake up and find peter cuddled up to you. You smile. "Your such a peaceful sleeper pete". You get up and get dressed .

You put on this-

You pair it with rose gold strapped heels and do ypur make up. You head downstairs.

~~~~~~

"You look nice where you going?" Clint asks. "One of my friends moms wedding" you explain. Steve walks in."wow uh...you look..." he stummbles on his words."thank you steve now could you tell peter im out when he wakes up he will most likely ask where I am." You leave and get in your car. "Ugh i need to change my shoes.." you switch to some blcak flats and drive to the wedding venue and change your shoes back.

~~~~~~

"IM BACK GUYS!!" You shout up the stairs. "Oh hay hiw was the wedding?" Peter askes." It was ok pritty boring thought i didnt want to stay for the after party and i have home work anyways." You reply with a tired tone to your voice. "Skip homework Y/N please ypu sound really tired, ill help you do it once you have had a little nap,deal." You sigh. "Fine....de...al"

~~~~~~

You wake up and relise your still in your dress. You get up and head downstairs to see peter,thor,clint,wanda,bruce and steve all watching 'the adventures of tony stark'. "So your watching it without me wow!" You siad with an anoyed but sarcstic tone. "Oh hay sleepy head, yha sorry." Peter says softly. "Why on earth are you whereing that???" Thor asks. "I went to a wedding earlier and i must have fallen asleep in it" you say with a qustioning tone. "Go change Y/N you look super uncomftabe, thennyoucan come and watch this with us." Steve says. "Ill go chnage but i cant watch this with you beacuse i said ill go have lunch with my best friend, sorry" you say whilst turning to run upstairs.

~~~~~~

You get out to your car and check in the rucksacks,tents and camping stuff is still in the trunk of you car and they are. "Oh phew." Katlin calls you. You pick up. "Where the hell are you!!" She hufs. "Im almost there im like ten fifteen minutes away gosh. I gotta go imcoming up to a gas station i need to fill up my tank ill talk to you in a sec" you hang up. You fill up your tank and head back on the road. "Ok so ill talk to her and just say your coming with me to find my dad we can just say you where going around the world, yha thanks good right" you sigh. You soon pull up and park in a spot and call katlin to come and sit in the car."ok katlin i need your help, coukd you possible come with me to find my dad i dont wanna go alone, and we can just tell steve and your parents that im taking you around the world. Please" you sit in silence for a few minutes. "I-fine ill come, when are we doing this." You look surprised."wow..i uhh didnt think you would ,well how about we start tomorw.deal" she thinks about for a second. "Deal.. ill pack my suitcase tonight and ill call you what time are we leaving." She sighs. "We can keave at 10 pm sharp. Meet here and then we can walk for a bit and find a good place to set up camp."

~~~~~~

"Im back guys. Oh and katlin is going to take me around the world starting tomorw is that ok?" You look at steve."its fine just as long as you two stay save ok." You dain a big bright smile on your face and run upnto him and hug him "ohh thank you thank you so much, we will hopefully be bcak by september,im gonna go pack"

~~~~~~

Make sure to stay tuned for part 2 guys

[looselucy]

November

I had never been good at goodbyes. The first goodbye I really remember, was when our pet dog Timmy died, and I forced my mum and dad to give him a funeral, and I probably cried for about a week. Another stand out goodbye in the list of many, was my brother moving to uni, and that was very reasonable for me to be a mess of tears and tantrums, because I hadn’t seen him since he left. One of my most recent goodbyes, was when I moved to university. I was only a few hours away from my parents and our new dog, Timmy-Two, but I absolutely had a breakdown when they dropped me off there. To be honest, they were no better, which was predictable behaviour from Phil and Lisa, always emotional, especially when it came to their darling daughter. The whole thing was atrocious when they left, watery eyes and inaudible sentences and desperate hugs and it was so pathetic I nearly vomit even thinking back to it. And then this one. This goodbye, was just as shit as the rest.

“I promise I’ll come visit!” Grace insisted. I sobbed as I hugged her, not wanting to look at that stupid pink suitcase she had packed behind her, wanting to kick it over or pull all her clothes out and throw them everywhere just to keep her with me a bit longer. “Or,” I sobbed uneasily. “You could just stay!” “Sorry, Pippa, but the uni life is just not for me.” I just kept sobbing, but sobbing this time seemed more plausible than when my parents left, because there was no guarantee she would come back. She promised me she would, but I knew that wasn’t enough. It’s strange, being at uni. Friendships develop so quickly it’s hard to even keep track of how close you all get. And with Grace being in the room next door to mine on our floor, from moving in on September 15th, to November 1st, it was safe to say she was my best friend. I was besotted with her, and I really didn’t want her to leave. She hated her course though, and she dropped out before it was too late, before she was too committed. Not even the end of the first term in our first year, and she was leaving. I was really going to miss her. “Alright, alright!” Zayn barked from beside me. “You’ve been hugging her for about ten minutes now, you’re being selfish, Pip! Let me have a go.” Tears kept rolling down my face as I gave her up for a moment, the rest of the gang moving in to give her a goodbye hug. There was me, Grace (before she selfishly decided to leave) Zayn, Mike, Tally, and Ringo. (I had still to learn Ringo’s real name, she was a quiet one, and a Beatles fan, I think.) Everyone was saying their goodbyes, but no one was quite as emotional as I was about her leaving. They all gave her their hugs and farewells. “You best stay in touch!” Tally instructed. “I will! I promise! God, you’re all so dramatic.” Everyone kind of laughed except me. I was not amused. Zayn moved and gave her a kiss on the head before I took over again, hugging her so tightly it was like I knew for a fact I would never see her ever again. Like I said, I’ve never been good at goodbyes. “You’re an emotional wreck.” She giggled once everyone else had rekindled back in the kitchen, giving us our space. “How many times do I need to promise?” “But I’ll miss living with you.” I tried to calm down. “I love you being here.” “I’ll be back before you know it.” “You better be!” “I’m gunna miss my train...” She groaned. “Fine.” I shot, pulling away from her and wiping away my tears. “Go. Leave me here alone to die.” She backed out of the door, grabbing her suitcase and looking at me whilst giggling. She did always say that she liked how I got emotional about little things, like songs and films and TV shows. But I had calmed a little, finally. I stood in the doorway giving her the weakest smile I could summon. “Gunna miss you, Girl.” She smiled. “You too. Get home safe, okay?” I sniffled. She nodded, and I knew she was emotional too, but she wasn’t the crying type like I was, so the goodbye was lacking tears on her part. I think I cried enough for the both of us. We said goodbye a final couple of times, and by the time she was in the elevator going down to the bottom floor I was relatively calm, wiping away my final few tears. I slumped past our bedrooms as I walked down the corridor, three doors on each side, making my way to the kitchen and living room area of our halls, where they all sat giving me sad head tilts, knowing how close we were, how much I would miss her. I stuck my middle finger up to the lot of them, making them laugh awkwardly, as Ringo quietly went back into her room. Defeated, I flopped down on the sofa and huffed out my sorrow as Zayn tucked me under his arm, kissing my forehead once before we nestled comfortably together. “I can’t believe she’s actually gone.” Mike sighed. “Just like... ‘cause she mentioned it on day one and then stuck around... I kinda thought she was all talk.” That’s what we had all been hoping, because Grace was one of those people who could walk in a room and make everyone’s day a little bit brighter; she could cheer up anyone just by smiling or telling a small joke. She was incredible. “You’re just gutted you didn’t get a chance to shag her.” Zayn chuckled. “Mate, I’m gutted with my sex life full stop! Not just when it comes to her! She was more wife material anyway, I’ll hunt her down in a few years.” I tried to laugh but I really wasn’t in the mood, I just kept staring at the tele as Zayn traced comforting circles on the top of my arm with two fingers, staring at the TV too. We had gotten lucky with our flat, we were in one of the better-quality student accommodations, so everything was modern and nice. The only downfall really was the communal shower rooms, which for some odd reason were placed past the living room and kitchen, so everyone got a good sight of you dashing through in a towel and dripping on the floor whilst they tried to watch TV. But our rooms were lovely, the whole thing was pretty lovely, so we knew it would only be a short amount of time before a student on a waiting list would take Graces now empty room. “How long you gunna be sad for, Pippa?” Tally asked me as she balanced her plate full of pasta on her knees, given we had no table. “Dunno. Could be years. Maybe I’ll never get over it.” “Well you’re gunna have to ‘cause we’re definitely going out tonight!” Mike tried. “I can’t.” I shrugged. “I’m in at nine.” “Pussy!” “Fuck off, Mike!” I giggled, throwing the nearest cushion at him. “Reyt!” He chirped, moving back to the hall. “It’s wank o’clock. See you all soon!” Zayn was in stitches as Mike strolled out of the area and into his room, Tally was trying her best not to laugh but I could see she was failing miserably. “I never knew living with lads would be such a cliché!” I groaned through a stifled laugh. “You lived with your brother, didn’t you?” Tally giggled. “Yeah, but he never announced when he was going for a wank, thankfully.” That just made Zayn laugh even more, he was absolutely creasing next to me, having to move his arm from around me and cover his face. I started to think how even without Grace, I would be fine, because that lot meant the world to me. I shook my head and stood myself up, walking over to my food cabinet and grabbing out a packet of crisps, standing and leaning rather than sitting back down with Zayn, who was still chuckling away to himself. “You sure you can’t come out tonight?” Tally sulked, looking over her shoulder to me. “I really shouldn’t.” I huffed. “You haven’t missed a lecture in like... three weeks.” “To be fair, that is really good.” And it was. The first year of uni seemed to be a complete write-off, and my brother had said exactly the same thing. You could pretty much take the piss in your first year, and still pass. He told me that second year was a little bit harder but you could still go out most days of the week and miss a fair few lectures. However, in his last year, he sounded like he was going to have a mental breakdown he was working so hard. So in my head, I still pretty much had two years of fun left. Missing one lecture, for the first time in almost a month, couldn’t be too bad. And I did need cheering up. Zayn stood himself up and moseyed over to me, hooking his arms around my waist and I put mine over his shoulders, both of us swaying in our hug. “C’mon, Pippa. We have to go out, the only way to deal with sadness is drinking.” “Sad, but true.” I agreed. “So,” He grinned, pulling away from me. “We going out?” I rolled my eyes and shook my head, but obviously I was smiling anyway, caving into the idea of going out and possibly missing a lecture. “Fine.” I breathed. “Let’s do it.” + + + We passed the shots I had bought down the line, Zayn banging his hand on the bar eagerly. It was me, Mike, Tally and Zayn. We had tried to convince Ringo to tag along with us, but she was having none of it, said she had too much work to do. We always tried with her though, and it’s not that we thought she didn’t like us, she was just so withdrawn. But there was nothing we could do other than try. The line of shots made their way down the group, each of us having three each; one red, one green, one purple. I had always been terrible at shots, so I had no idea why I bought them, especially three at a time. Seemed pretty stupid, but there we were. “Alright, on the count of three, we do red!” Zayn shouted, as though he was some kind of soldier ready for war. “We have five seconds before we move onto purple, and a maximum of ten seconds, before we go onto green. Are you with me?” “Shut up, Zayn.” Tally laughed. “I SAID ARE YOU WITH ME?” He shouted in her ear. If I had already taken my first shot I would have spat it out laughing, but thankfully I laughed without spitting the substance everywhere, having a minute to calm down before Zayn counted to three, and we did as we were instructed. I was doing alright until the third shot, whenn I felt like I was going to throw up all over the bar, but luckily, I didn’t. I counted to eight seconds out of my given ten before I finally did the last shot, feeling their affects so quickly, it almost felt like a waste of time that I wasn’t dancing. It took me a little bit longer than the rest to recover, they were already on their way to the centre of the dancefloor by the time I pushed away from the bar, stumbling a little as I did before regaining my balance and dancing over to them, a cheeky, somewhat tipsy, smile on my face. Another thing I loved about uni is that I had come across a group of people who were exactly the same as I was on a night out. None of us gave a shit, and our terrible team dancing was what made our nights so much fun. I’d say around half an hour of intense boogying passed before Zayn signalled that he wanted a cigarette, and he knew that it was likely I would join him after a drink, so I did. We wandered to the heated outside area, which was one of the good things about our favourite club, Thimble, though after many discussions we still couldn’t figure out why that was the name they had chosen for a club. Zayn handed me a roll-up, and placed one in his mouth, getting out a lighter and sparking mine for me before he sparked his own. Within seconds, out of nowhere, two arms grabbed Zayn from behind, right around his waist as the mystery man lifted him in the air, making a girly scream irrupt from him lips, which brought in a couple of eyes and a couple of laughs. As soon he was dropped, he turned around to find the culprit. “Fucking hell, Louis!” He gasped, slapping his palms against the boys cheeks. “I nearly shat me’self, you idiot!” “Alright, Lad!” The other one said as they started hugging. I think I had heard Zayn speak of this Louis before. He was on his art course with him, but what Zayn had apparently forgotten to tell me was that he was absolutely gorgeous. I stared at him as the two of them interacted, and I was a little entranced. He was all slicked back hair and black clothes, turtle neck, freshly shaved, striking eyes. He was beautiful. After a while Zayn turned back around to me, grinning like he didn’t see Louis every bloody day at his lectures. He was acting like he hadn’t seen him in years. Classic effect of alcohol. I gave Zayn a look, a look that said, if you don’t introduce me to this God of a man now I will kill you. “Oh shit.” He mumbled. “Umm, Pip this is Louis. Louis, this is Pippa.” He moved in and gave me a kiss on the cheek, and I already knew he was charming too, which was frustrating. I couldn’t cope when boys were attractive but charming too, it was always too much to take in. “Nice to meet you.” He said as he pulled away, looking me up and down. “You live with Zayn, yeah?” “Right across from him.” I nervously replied. “Are you the one who cries a lot?” He smirked. I sucked in air through my teeth, cringing that of all the things Zayn could have said, that was what he had decided to pass on. “Umm...” I let out a breathy laugh. “I get emotional about things.” “Every time I watch E.T. I cry like a baby, don’t worry about it.” “To be fair,” Zayn chirped. “I cry at Finding Nemo.” ”No, fair shout man!” Louis looked deadly serious. “At the beginning-” “When his wife dies!” Zayn gawped. “And Nemo is the only baby left!” “It’s absolutely heart breaking.” “Heart breaking.” Louis repeated. It struck me quite quickly how similar Louis and Zayn were, and I knew why my flatmate had raved about his friendship with the blue-eyed boy. I shook my head at them, taking a drag of the cigarette Zayn had rolled me, my head spinning slightly, half of me ready for bed and the other half ready to carry on my terrible dancing. Behind myself and Zayn we heard someone shout Louis’ name. ”Gotta run.” He smirked again. “Nice to meet you, Pippa.” “You too!” I cooed, blushing as though he had complimented me. ”Zayn.” The two slapped their hands together before clasping their hands tights together. “See you tomorrow, bro.” “Later, man.” Louis bounced off to the lad who had shouted his name, yelling and cheerful and 100% attractive in every way ever possible. Jesus wept, I was actually impressed by him, I just wanted to eat him up on the spot and leave nothing for anyone else. As soon as I knew he was out of earshot, I slapped Zayn hard on the arm, hitting that stupid tiger tattoo, his arms completely on show thanks to the fact he cut the sleeves off his t-shirt. “Ouch!” He laughed. “What was that for?” “Why the fuck does your stupidly attractive mate only know me for the fact I cry?” “I don’t know! I’ve told him other stuff.” “Right. Like what?” “Like... how you throw up on hangovers sometimes.” “Brilliant, Zayn. Thank you.” I couldn’t stop smiling even though I was shaking my head. His apology to me was him wrapping one arm around me and pulling me to him, giving me a kiss on the forehead, still chuckling away to himself. He moved out, extending his little finger, waiting for my finger to link up with his. “Alright.” He laughed. “I pinky-promise, I will say better things about you in the future. I’ll make him think you’re a goddess.” “How exactly?” I giggled. “Umm... I’ll tell him about how Finn said you’re really good at giving head.” “Y’know what, don’t say shit, Zayn. Let’s just let him forget I exist.” That probably made him laugh ever harder, grabbing me by the shoulders as I turned around, both of us throwing our cigarettes on the floor and making our way back inside, ready to find the rest of the troops. Zayn steered me off towards the bar before we joined the team again, where he purchased me two more drinks, that completely tipped me over the edge. + + + I awoke on the floor in my room, still in my dress from the night before, one side of my face dinted from the bumpy carpet beneath my skin. My eyes opened slowly, and I recognized the spot immediately, this not being the first time I had awoke on the floor, literally inches away from my bed. I had no idea why I did that, I swear to god it must have been a decision I made when I was drunk, though in the morning I could never recall why I would ever think it was a good idea. I groaned and cursed to myself as I moved. I first readjusted my arm, and in the process knocked over and entire can that I had open next to me, beer soaking into my already ruined carpet. I hurriedly stood the can back up, though a good 90% of it had already spilled so there was literally no point. My head was pounding, every joint in my body ached like fuck as I sat myself up, rubbing my eyes, not really caring about the fact I must have been rubbing my mascara all over my face. All I knew was that I needed water, or a cup of tea, or something that would help mend my broken body. “Holy. Shit.” I grumbled to myself. I stumbled to my feet, nearly falling forward and whacking my head against the desk that sat ahead of the window, which looked out to what seemed to be an endless line of student accommodation. The only thing that got me through that hangover was the thought that there had to be a student in one of those buildings who was feeling even worse than I was. There just had to be. Luckily, this was one of those hangovers where I didn’t feel like throwing up, I just needed drink and food and possibly a cuddle, even though my usual person to cuddle was Grace, and that option was out of the window. I found my phone on the desk, checking what time it was and seeing it was almost 12pm, only an hour until my lecture finished. “Fuck!” I don’t know how I thought that I was going to manage getting there at 9am after drinking so heavily. Basically, I knew I wasn’t going to go, but I still kicked myself for it, I still got so annoyed with myself for not making it. I pulled my dress down to cover my dignity, all that was left of it, before turning on the spot and heading towards the door, eager to get some fluid in my system that wasn’t alcoholic, scraping my hair to the side slightly and catching a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror on my door. Surprisingly, my makeup was relatively intact, but there was no denying I was an absolute state. I tugged on the handle to my door and opened it slightly, poking my head around the corner and looking to the left down the corridor. Judging by how quiet it was, everyone was still sleeping, or in a lecture. The kitchen was so quiet it suggested that anyway. I fell through my door and groaned to myself as I scurried down to the kitchen, screeching to myself as I made the short journey, feeling so painfully sorry for myself you would have never thought my pain was self-inflicted. As soon as I step foot in the kitchen, which was still stupidly quiet, my heart caught tight in my throat, stumbling backwards and shouting out my shock. “HOLY FUCKING SHIT!” The random boy that was stood in our kitchen whipped his head round to catch a glimpse of me, eyes going up and down my body as he chuckled under his breath, shaking his head as he looked back towards his drink, continually dipping a teabag into the mug of hot water in front of him. “Nice.” He huffed, grinning to himself. “Shit. Sorry. You’re very quiet.” “I am.” He turned to look at me. He was extremely striking. I think it was his sharp jawline, how tanned he seemed to be, which was near impossible given the UK’s climate, so that was noticeable right away. “Did Tally bring you back?” I asked, hesitantly moving towards my food cabinet. It wouldn’t be the first time Tally had brought home a ridiculously attractive boy, in fact, she did it often. She had a way about her, an aura, boys flew to her like flies on shit, and she lapped it up. This guy had to be her best effort though. His hair was short, messy and brown and curly. He was topless, just a pair of running shorts on. It revealed to me his perfectly toned body, which had one very noticeable tattoo. An enormous butterfly on his stomach. I caught glimpse of it and then decided not to stare, but I remember thinking that was odd. He didn’t have any other tattoos, just that one. “Who?” He baffled. That threw me, I couldn’t think of any other plausible reason he would be in our flat. I certainly hadn’t brought him back, I would remember him. And Ringo hadn’t even gone out. I then thought maybe he was Ringo’s secret boyfriend, and was silently congratulating her in my head. “Sorry, I thought you were one of Tally’s conquests.” “I live here.” He replied. My eyes went wide. That was the person who was going to replace Grace. That guy. Jesus wept, I had only just gotten used to bloody Zayn walking about the place, even Mike wasn’t all bad, and then that one? I swore that people had not been so insanely attractive at school, or college. I moved to uni and then suddenly there was just a gaggle of attractive men and I for one, was not good at coping with attractive people. I became a nervous wreck and found it hard to structure sentences. “Y-you live here?” I pointed to the floor. “Just moved in this morning.” “Oh.” I gawped. “You live here?” He leant against the kitchen top. “Umm, yeah. In the last room on the right. First room on the left. Umm…” “The room next to mine?” He smirked. “Yeah.” He probably knew the effect he had on girls, he was stupidly confident, not struggling in the same way I was. I suppose it was partly down to the hangover, I figured maybe I would be better later on, or the day after, or next week… I would learn to deal with it at some point. After a few moments of awkward silence, he breathed in through his teeth, making it even more awkward, and pushed away from the counter. “Better go unpack.” He coughed. “I imagine I’ll see you around.” “Probably.” “What’s your name?” “Pippa.” “Pippa?” “Pippa Payne.” “Pfft, seriously?” He scoffed. “You sound like a character from an Enid Blyton book.” I just lowered my eyebrows and looked at him in a complete state of shock as he walked away, laughing and shaking his head, removing himself from the kitchen and going back to his room. I stood there unable to think of something to say, how snotty he had been and how he just did not care that he made that comment about me. True, it wasn’t the worst thing he could have said, but it just amazed me that he burst that out to me during our first interaction. I hadn’t even had the chance to learn his name so I could make some snotty comment back. I got a pint glass out of my cupboard and filled it to the brim with water, before practically running and banging on Zayn’s door, loud and ignorant. “Bet a tenner that’s Pippa.” I heard him yell from inside. “How am I supposed to win this bet?” I yelled through the wood. “By not being Pippa.” “But I am Pippa.” “Well then you owe me a tenner.” I huffed, rolling my eyes and letting myself in. Zayn, like most people, had managed to get himself in bed even though he was stupidly drunk. His bed was to the right as I walked in, a mirrored version to mine since he was just across from me. I stared down to him with serious eyes after having slammed the door shut. He let out a confused laugh as he looked up to me. “What?” He gawped. “We have a new person.” I whispered. “What?” “A new person. A boy. And he’s just taken the piss out of my name.” He uneasily lifted himself so he was upright in his bed, taking in what I was telling him. I hurriedly moved and put my water on his desk, before sitting at the end of his bed, still looking at him with the most intense look on my face. He ran his hands over his eyes and through his hair. “Grace literally moved out less than twenty-four hours ago.” He groaned. “I know, and they’ve replaced her with a twat. A really attractive twat.” “What did he say?” “Something about a character, something... I dunno, but I didn’t like it!” “Give it a week and you’ll be his best mate.” Zayn huffed. But he was far from right. Because over the next few days, I was going to discover that my new flatmate and I were not going to be friends, not at all.

[jinyoungs-hipsdontlie]

a letter to you, jonghyun.

Hi everyone,

I’ve been hesitating and reconsidering alot regarding this but i felt the need to do it so here goes.

This is going to be my last farewell letter to Jonghyun. This is where i’m going to spill all my thoughts out on everything that has happened, in order for me to finally let go and heal from this situation. I didn’t intend for it to be this long, but i guess i really need to let it all out.

I want to finally move on from this. I want to get back to my usual self. It’s been terribly exhausting for me lately; emotionally, mentally and even physically. 

And no, this is not the last time i will post about Jonghyun. But this would be the final one filled with sadness and grief. After this, i want to only post bright and happy memories of him, just like how i want to remember him forever.

NOTE: It’s going to be EXTREMELY long (2800+ words i never knew i had to express) and kinda triggering so i put it under keep reading. Please ignore and scroll past this post if you know you might be triggered. I really dont want any of you guys to hurt more than you already have.

[death tw] [suicide tw] [suicidal ideation tw] [depression tw]

. . .

And now i think, it’s time. 

It’s time for me to finally let you go, my beloved puppysaurus. 

Fly high and mingle with the stars and the moon up there. Feel the happiness and peace that you’ve craved and deserve oh so much. Take care.

I will always love you, Jonghyun.

수고했어요. 정말 고생했어요.

May your beautiful soul rest in peace. ——————————–

Sigh.

Where do i even begin.

This is so hard.

…It still hurts. Everything hurts.

Hearing that you took your own life broke me. Death, especially of a loved one, has always been my biggest fear in life. I lost a schoolmate back in September 2012 through suicide. And just last year in November 2016, i lost my aunt to suicide. And 5 days ago, 18th December 2017, i lost you, my first ever idol through the same horrid way.  And that’s part of the reason why i think, that i felt the news of you leaving the world hit so close to home for me personally.

It opened up old wounds for me, and i thought that this time, instead of keeping strong and playing a facade, im going to let myself feel, to grieve and mourn and then recover. When i lost my aunt last year, i wasn’t able to grieve much. Because i had to stay strong for my mother who had just lost her beloved sister. I couldnt just stand and cry, i had to hold my mom’s arm and support her to walk during the funeral and prayers. So this time, i did not lie to myself that i was okay, because i wasnt at all.

The first 3 days. I havent been able to eat, just water and barely a few spoons of rice each day… eating so that i wouldn’t make my family worried about me. I havent been able to sleep well, just a few hours each day, because the image of you appears before me whenever i close my eyes. I couldnt even watch your videos or listen to your voice as it hurt too much. I couldn’t believe you were gone. I feel so lost, so empty, literally on autopilot mode.

But no, i’m not blaming you for taking your own life. I’m not angry at you, i’m not disappointed in you, i really have no negative feelings towards you. Because i know, that what im suffering now… is the tiniest fraction of how much you have. For how long you have been in pain and how much you hurt, i’m so sorry. 

I’m sorry that you had to go through all this. I’m sorry you felt so alone even though you’ve been practically screaming it out to us. I’m sorry that the world was not your fate. I’m sorry for everything.

It pains me so much, to know that you had everything planned out. You, suffering in the dark, still continued being the kindest person through it. You had waited for your member’s birthdays to be over, you waited until your solo concert series was over, you left a meaningful song for us fans… to cope with the loss of a loved one, knowing fully well that we would need it after hearing the news of your death. You left a note for your loved ones, you even messaged your beloved sister before it all. You have always been so kind. 

Reading that letter you left us, it broke me so much. I cant even find words to describe it because i never ever thought you have been in so much despair. I don’t advocate suicide or taking the life of ownself, but as your long time fan, i respect your decision. All i can say is, you did so well Jonghyun. It is indeed commendable that you made it this far, and you really did go through alot.  

I can’t help but feel so sorry even though i know that there’s nothing i could have done. It just hurts to know it was so bad, so bad that you had to end it yourself since it was too much for you to handle. I cant imagine the feelings that went through you that day, when you knew you were going to take your life. Did you eat your favourite meal knowing it’d be your last? Were you crying or just all numb? I tried to tell myself not to think so much about you on that day, but i couldn’t stop myself from thinking. 

Sigh.

The first three days was a nightmare. That monday evening, i cried so much. The initial shock and sorrow was too hard to handle. The news crashed down on me so hard. 

On the 19th, i remember breaking down when i came home after class. I broke down bad, crying so terribly hard.

On the 20th, I attended a vigil that we had for you here in Singapore. It was one of the hardest thing i’ve ever done. 

I tried to be strong, but seeing the other shawols at the florist also buying roses for you, i broke down. We all did. It was so heartbreaking. I had to fight so hard make sure i didn’t cry on the train as i made my way to the venue. 

I think the only way i could describe the vigil; bittersweet. Approx a thousand people came, of all ages, to pay our last respects to you in our own way. The lightsticks, the flowers, the letters, the shawols who relied on each other and grieved together. It was all so beautiful, but it hurt so much. 

I teared up when i was already in the queue. I held the lightstick and letters in one hand, and a red rose in the other. As i got closer, i brought the rose close to my nose. I took a deep breath, five times. Each time after i say a prayer for every member of SHINee. First you, then the rest by age order.

My walls finally broke, after i placed my flower near the picture of you and said a prayer. It was so hard. I couldnt stop the tears. And to the little angels over there who gave out tissues fo all of us who broke down, and giving free hugs to anyone in need, thank you. I cried in my sister’s arms. I’m not one who shows my tears infront of people i love, but this time i couldnt keep the strong facade. I had to let it all out. 

Shortly after, we all gathered close, and sang the chrous of your debut song, Replay. I tried to keep my voice stable, but i couldnt help the falter at the end. Also, like what you wanted and what you deserved to hear, we all told you ‘수고했어요 - You did well’ in unison. I couldn’t help but break down again at that. It was really so difficult to face reality, but that vigil had brought me the slightest bit of acceptance. Im thankful for my chance to attend it.

And then Thursday.

21.12.17, you were finally laid to rest. With all your loved ones by your side, i hope those last moments were not lonely for you. You are so loved Jonghyun, you really are.

I woke up that morning trembling for some reason. I checked my phone, and saw that none of my alarms had rung. Puzzled why i woke up so early, i looked at the time. And realized that it was just 10 minutes before your funeral procession.

I had to be in class in an hour and i knew i couldnt bear to see or hear anything about your funeral so i immediately uninstalled Facebook and Twitter. But when i came home that afternoon, i told myself, that i should just see the pictures/watch the procession. Not to see everyone mourning or what so ever, but for the sake of closure. For acceptance. I think i needed it. 

And so i did. And god, how much i cried. It broke me so much, i shook terribly while sobbing. It was the worst thing i have seen, every single second pained me. That was not the image i had when i said i wanted to see SHINEE has five again. What’s worse, Kibum’s letter to you was uploaded 10 minutes later. And damn, cue the tears again. He’s so strong and he really loves you so much, Jonghyun. 

After crying for longer than i’d like to admit, i drank a glass of water and stared up to the sky. I gave a final prayer to you, for you to rest in peace. 

A few hours later, strangely, i felt calmer. For the first time since your passing, i felt like i could feel you were finally in peace up there. I really hope you are. That evening, i managed to eat my first proper meal in 3 days. I guess i’m finally accepting it.

And yesterday. 

I woke up and even though it hurt, i told myself i have to move on. I still couldnt eat properly and skipped meals but i managed to eat dinner? And even though i was still pretty empty and lost, i agreed to watch a movie with my sister at the cinema. I was reminded of you throughout and i did feel pangs of sadness, but i could still enjoy it slightly. 

And last night, i managed to watch a video of you singing. I’ve seen it on my tumblr dash a few times and so i told myself to watch and listen to your voice again, instead of scrolling past. It was that video of you singing ‘This Woman’s Work’. Oh how much have i missed your voice! I would be lying if i said i didn’t cry, but i pulled through and watched til the end. The way you sang with all your heart, so beautiful, that’s the Jonghyun i have always loved. 

Then after, I listened to your song, ‘End of a day’. I already knew my dams would break with this one so i got my tissues ready. And cried hard did i. But i was able to listen to the end, paying so much attention once again to the tones of your voice and how beautiful it is. 

I don’t know how but somehow after listening to your voice, even though i cried through it, i felt much calmer and stronger. Sigh… look at you, even in heaven you’re still comforting me with your beautiful voice. An angel you really are. And last night after all that, for the first time this entire week, i managed to sleep well. For 10 hours straight. Call it wishful thinking, but im pretty sure it’s because i finally listened to your voice again. That calming voice which i love. 

And today, a Saturday, i woke up to Jinki’s letter. Look at him, the world’s greatest leader. Even in all this chaos, he’s still so strong and reliable. He loves you so much, Jonghyun. And so does all your members. 

I was also able to eat 2 full meals today. I drank more water than i had for each of the past 5 days. I  also watched funny videos of you, Jonghyun. I washed my hair, did my usual skincare routine which i paused since Monday. And now, here i am, about to sleep, with a facial mask to use once i post this.

I think i’m coping better these days.

Jonghyun, i’m doing well right? Please tell me i’m doing well too. Please continue to give me strength and happiness from up above, to help me move on and be myself again, and even in the future. Please be my guiding angel, like what you’ve been for the last 8 years to me. 

You’ve changed the colour of the moon and lamps to our favourite pearlescent aqua, you’ve given us so many signs that you’ve made it to heaven and the skies this past week, thank you for reassuring us fans that you’re doing well up there. Please look after us from above; most importantly, your mother, sister, the members, your friends and loved ones. 

…..

I just want to let you know again, that becoming a fan of SHINee and even more, a fan of you, Jonghyun, is still and will forever be one of the best decisions i have ever made. 

Do you remember that time i first heard SHINee? I saw a group of students performing Ring Ding Dong at a school event and thought it was great so i went to check it out.

Do you remember the time you made me smile and laugh so hard during Hello Baby? I watched the entire thing in 2 days on Youtube, it’ll always be my favourite, i can never forget you and your skinship with baby Yoogeunie.

Do you remember how i was so proud when you released your first solo album? It was amazing!

Do you remember how much happy tears i cried along with you and the boys when SHINee won Best Artist of the Year at Melon Music Awards in 2013? My heart was bursting with pride! 

Do you remember how i went to Seoul in October 2015 and September 2017 and took a picture/selfie next to every standee or advertisement of yours i saw? I didn’t care if i looked weird or funny cos as a fan, that was a golden moment as i never was able to get that close to you.

And of course, do you remember how ecstatic i was when i heard SHINee was coming to Singapore for Music Bank in August and Shilla Duty Free Beauty Concert in November? Who cares how overpriced the tickets were… I was the happiest person when i got them! 

Watching you perform and listening to your beautiful voice live not once but twice, is one of my happiest moments in life, and it will forever be.

…sigh… it sucks when reality hits me and i realize that i won’t be able to see you again, well not in this lifetime at least. But i can assure you, Jjong, that i will never ever forget you.

You may not be in the same form as me, but know that you are everywhere with me. In my heart, in my mind, in my music albums, in my phone’s gallery, in my old study notes that i scribbled your name, in my keychain hung on my bag, in my pearlescent aqua coloured portable charger and sweater, and ofcourse, in my beloved SHINee lightstick. 

I love you and i won’t forget you.

…Before i conclude, i want to say thank you. 

Thank you for being my first ever idol and my first love.

Thank you for making me smile and laugh til i cry.

Thank you for composing and writing such beautiful songs, your music as SHINee and as a solo artist has given me immense strength and happiness and comfort all these years.

Thank you for being an amazing role model, your actions/thoughts/words have inspired me to be a better person.

Thank you for being so strong all these years, and trying your best to fight the negativity.

Thank you for being the best son and the best brother to your mother and sister, your adoration and love for them are the sweetest thing ever.

Thank you for being the kindest, most loving and the most supportive brother to Onew, Key, Minho and Taemin; your love for them and their love for you have shown me what true friendship and family is. 

Thank you for everything, Jonghyun.

And now i think, it’s time. It’s time for me to finally let you go, my beloved puppysaurus. 

Fly high and mingle with the stars and the moon up there. Feel the happiness and peace that you’ve craved and deserve oh so much. Take care.

I will always love you, Jonghyun.

수고했어요. 정말 고생했어요.

May your beautiful soul rest in peace.

[fall-out-of-formation]

can i ask for any and all of the numbers that you havent done? because tumblr rules are made to be bent and i want to ask as many as i damn well please thank you bye

Hey, bean. I wanted to let you know that the tags that you put on my selfie caused me to make some weird pterodactyl noise and it scared my cat. And I just spelled pterodactyl correctly on the first try for some reason? Oh, and the lighting was from my grandma’s bathroom. 

Woah. I wasn’t necessarily expecting this. But I like challenges, so imma do it. I wonder how personal and detailed I should make this? (Also I appreciate so much that you care about what I have to say? Like, holy shit.)

1. Any scars? Yes. Both kneecaps: I lost control of my scooter and ended up sliding down a hill on my freaking knees. I have a weird scar on my chest from when a kitten got mad at me while I was holding her. Four areas on my legs have scars as well. See question 2.

2. Self harmed? It’s like, the amount of time that goes by doesn’t matter. I see so many tumblr friends celebrating their milestones, and I’m so happy for them, but I feel sad for me. I went three years without doing it once. But it always comes back to me in moments of panic.

3. Crush? His name is Hunter and he’s an idiot. New ship: #Charter

4. Kissed anyone? A couple meaningless kisses in my youth, and then I experienced adult stuff with someone I love with all my being.

5. Coke or Pepsi? It depends on my mood, and I don’t understand how people always love one and hate the other. They’re both good, in my opinion. They have their subtle differences, both are good sodas.

6. Someone you hate? I’ve had it with the Kardashians, man. And the obvious: Trump.

8. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs? Affirmative, but not going to go into detail on this post because I’ve got some younger mutuals that might take a peek at this and I don’t want them to judge me 310. Ever been in love? #Charter.

11. Last time you cried? Last week. I was freaking out because I was all by myself for way too long. 

14. Birthday? September 20!

19. If you had one wish, what would it be? A way to contact lost loved ones. I wanna call my uncle so bad, just to see how he is.

20. Do you love someone? I love a lot of people. But it’s still a strong love.

21. Kiss or hug? I love both, why do I have to choose :(

24. Favorite band? August Burns Red, The Devil Wears Prada, Twenty one Pilots, Lord Huron.

25. Worst thing that has ever happened to you? April 7th, 2011. My momma had a fiance. His name was Gary. He was such a sweetheart. Smart as hell, talented, and so easy to talk to. He and I decided to take a walk on the nature trail, and my mom stayed home because her stomach was hurting. It was a freaking beautiful April day, one of the first warm days of the year. Gary and I talked about the latest annoying Comcast commercial, we talked about black lightsabers and how they could even exist, and he asked me about my music interests. I was just explaining to him what a “scene kid” was when he fell. He died before I could say goodbye. He died before I could even understand what was happening. November 14th, 2013. The day I had to put my cat to sleep. From age four to sixteen, I had the weirdest connection with a kitty named Angel. My mom had adopted her for me as an Easter present, when I was little. We bonded on the very first day and we were inseparable for her whole life. She supported me and she could tell when I was sad. When I was eight, my mom had yelled at me for something. I was crying on my bed. Angel jumps up and starts playing with my tears. She knew it would help. One day she was rolling around on the floor, showing her belly and being cute. I didn’t usually touch her belly because I knew she didn’t like it. But for some reason, I did that day. And I felt a tumor. She fought her cancer with as much bravery as any human. But I couldn’t make her suffer any longer. She died in my arms, and with her, died my childhood. My comfort, familiarity, sanity, connection, everything died with her. I have never mourned so hard in my life as I did that night. January 7th, 2014. I am working my shift at Panera bread. Just counting down the minutes. Wanting to get the hell out of there. I heard a woman yelling, and I didn’t understand who it even was. It was my mom. She was telling me that we had to go. Immediately. Her brother had passed in his sleep. He was in his early forties. He wasn’t supposed to die. He’s supposed to walk me down the isle at my wedding. He’s supposed to take me to the August Burns Red concert next year, because that’s what he always does. He’s supposed to take me camping in May. We have way too many conversations that haven’t been had yet. We’re supposed to go fishing. And get taco bell afterwards. He’s supposed to answer the phone at 3 a.m. when I feel like shit, because I know he’s probably feeling like shit, too, and we can help each other feel better. 

27. Something you would change about yourself? I have no motivation. At all. I’ve got loads of clean laundry from three weeks ago sitting in the middle of the floor. I can’t fold it, I just can’t.

28. Ever dated someone? I’ve dated two guys seriously. I don’t count the rest.

29. Worst mistake? In the seventh grade, I was a witness to a situation that caused the loss of a teacher’s job. Maybe the outcome would have been different if I hadn’t been too scared to defend him. That’s a long, weird story.

30. Watch the movie or read the book? Both. Preferably, book first, then movie.

31. Ever had a heartbreak? See all three situations in number 25.

32. Favorite show? 2 Broke Girls, Yu Yu Hakusho, XFiles

34. Any talents? I used to dance competitively. And some people like the photos I take! 

35. Do you wish you could ever start over? Yes. Get me out of here

36. Any bad habits? I’ve been biting my nails since I had teeth :(

37. Ever had a near death experience? I was at a metal show, up against the barrier, and the crowd stormed the barrier. The barrier almost collapsed and I might have been crushed. Or any time I get in the car with Hunter.

38. Someone I can tell anything to? Hunter. 

39. Ever lost a loved one? See 25, haha.

40. Do you believe in love? I do. Not the fairy tale stuff, but I believe in what I’ve got going on.

41. Someone you hate/Dislike? trrrrrrrruuuuuuuump.

42. Are you okay? It’s complicated. 

43. Relationship status? #Charter.

[suckit-aynrand]

wow okay.

i just now finally got the guts to softblock my ex’s tumblr after a fucking year and a half.

ive wanted to rant and piss and moan about that whole debacle on here for so long but because she followed me etc. i never did because i didnt want to stir shit up

i shouldve done this a long time ago because every time i saw a post she reblogged i’d feel sick to my stomach and get really depressed tbh.

so now im trying to release all my shitty feelings by writing it out....

she was my first kiss and then she ended it before we were even able to give it a chance even though i’d liked her for over 6 months prior.

she was a fucking bitch though and made me feel so shitty about myself... unfortunately, i have an issue where i need everyone to like me so the more someone doesn’t care about me the harder I try and any drop of affection from them is like a drug.

ok so like she told me she was gay in like february or some shit and i told her I was bi because i was still trying to figure my shit out and then I started developing feelings for her (ie, see above) which i’d never done before because id never opened myself up to thinking about a girl that way and never with guys except for feeling ill....

so yeah, we were friends for a long time and i really liked her that whole time but i was fucking what 19 and had never done anything with anyone and was really nervous about stuff like that and, especially because of her personality where she’d be a total bitch 75% of the time and shoot down anything i said (which id just brush off as a joke or whatever and laugh) so no way in hell was i going to ever fucking make a move and i’d sleep over at her house (she lived at home) and she knew I had no experience and i told her id never even kissed anyone and she’d call me a “spring chicken” and shit because i was such a fucking everything virgin

we spooned once but i was so nervous and freaking out because im bad with touching people in general because i have this huge fear of doing something wrong and being rejected and totally overthing everything??

we also had this stupid bullshit thing about “ymir and krista” from attack on titan- shut the fuck up, i know, but like it was kind an apt metaphor for our personalities and looks (besides height because i was taller than her) so i remember and breaking point in my crush was when there was a “pick ten pictures that represent your aesthetic” on tumblr or whatever so i picked a bunch of pics or whatever and then one that was ymir/krista and i tagged her to do it too (do your sleuthing on your own time fellas) and she ALSO put a ymir/krista pic in hers so i was like HOLY FUCK IS THIS KISMET??? and then got my shit together to admit to my sister that i liked her and was bi (lol... that was a while ago...) and planned to ask her out myself.

anyway, like the next night, and incidentally on the night of the Supermoon in 2015 (when there was an eclipse on the night of the supermoon) i stopped by her job at gamestop when i was at the mall with friends to say hi (which i would do whenever possible... again, i was/am desperate for affection) and she said she was getting off soon and her grandparents were in town and were going to dinner at a place at the mall and would i like to go with so i was like sure so we went and then I went back to her place with her family and we sat outside to watch the supermoon and we were like holding hands and shit because it was cold and it was montana in late september etc. and i was nervous and all but all blushy and excited because of my previous nights shit, and then we eventually moved onto the back porch and she asked me if id want to date and i was like yes and then her homophobic grandparents came out to see if we were still watching the moon or whatever and then we went in to her room where i slept over and when we were looking out the window she kissed me and i was super nervous and blusy so it was like just a quick peck but it was my first kiss and i wanted to do it again but also i was scared to (like... because of her? and i was scared she wouldnt want to?)

so then the next morning i got a ride back to my place by her mom because i had an early class and we kissed (quickly again) before i left and then the next night i slept over at her place again but we didnt kiss at all... after that i would keep texting her and trying to make plans and stuff - i wasnt a student at the time but i lived close to campus so i was always like let me know when youre free and i can come up and meet you for lunch or i can come up and do anything because i wanted to see her and shit and she’d always be like “im busy with work/school/band etc.” so i was just like ok let me know when youre not and id visit her at work when i could but i didnt have a car and she was working and i didnt want to hang out in gamestop or whatever so id just pop in and it was awkward...

id said earlier that i wanted to go to the rocky horror show live that they did downtown so i saved up over $100 to get us tix and dressed all slutty for it (for her but also for rocky) and she wasnt really into it and i was trying to make it fun etc. and i had planned for her to stay the night at my place afterwards because i had an extra mattress under my bed for guests (THAT I LITERALLY ONLY BROUGHT WITH THE SPECIFIC INTENTION OF IT BEING FOR HER) but she said she had to go home or whatever and so i drove her home and walked her in and we kissed (quick kiss again) as i was leaving and then we kissed again, but like a couple little kisses in a row, and i was trying so hard to do it right but i was so nervous and that was all good (except she told me that my fucking MAC LIPSTICK didnt taste good... that fucker....) and then i left and continued to try to meet up with her and then one day she asked me if i was free to come talk to her on campus so i tried to dress up all cute and then she broke up with me.

the break up was so weird too because she was like “ive been too busy to see you, and ive been having a really hard time with my mom lately, and my dads cancer just came back and i want to still be friends and maybe next semester we can try again” and all and she was like crying (like a little bit) so i didnt want to be dramatic and make her feel bad so i tried to keep it light etc. (like i always do because im a fuck) so i was like its all good im so sorry youre having all this shit let me know if i can do anything etc. and then i hung out for a bit to try to make her feel like it was all good (even though i was devastated inside..... im just really awful with my emotions...) and then i left and was in a trance for a few days.... like even though practically nothing happened i didnt know (and still dont know???) what happened???

like....... was it because i wasnt really making any moves??? because i was trying like especially at halloween etc.????? and like she was the one who asked me out?????? like... i was also open about the fact that i’d be moving away the following summer most likely because i was changing schools and whenever i’d bring it up before we were “together” she’d legit like tear up and be like “you cant leave” and shit...?? was that why???? and like this still really gets to me even though it shouldnt and she truly was very hurtful to me in so many ways beyond this bullshit??? i just feel like i expended so much effort on building my relationship with her and never got any reciprication? 

like... there were a couple of times the following semester where she’d text me and ask to get together with another friend or whatever and i really really really wanted to say no but that word isnt in my vocabulary because im an anti-confrontational pushover so we would and it would be so weird for me but id really really work to pretend like it wasnt and then i moved.

and i really honestly wanted to message her and be like can you just be open with me about why because i feel like i got no closure and i thought about doing it a bunch but i never did because im a coward and scared of putting other people in situations that might make them uncomfortable because i know how uncomfortable they make me and how much i hate it???? i also thought about asking a mutual friend if he knew anything about it because he was closer with her but i didnt even know if she told any of her friends/family about it because she was super open about being gay but didnt want me to be open about our relationship because, in her words, “they’d say we told you so and we knew” and she wanted to prove them wrong for as long as possible or something?

but now like a year and a half later its sooooo way beside the point and too late so like i cant do it now.... but i havent been in another relationship obviously and like last semester i was getting really unreasonably jealous over her ambiguous snap story about getting ice cream with her girl and how much she loves her even though im more than halfway across the country from her and now ive definitely calmed down and have faced the fact that she was a bitch but like i still feel so stuck with no closure and also am terrified that i’ll never find anyone else? and i also know that its my fault but i wish i knew how much and what i could do better in the future because im terrified of making the same mistakes again and feeling this emptiness?

i wish this were easier. im so sorry for spilling all this shit but ive been bottling it up for so long and have only ever told my sister and even her i didnt tell everything and i feel free now that i wont be seeing her posts anymore and can hopefully let this settle even more....

[nelliano3o]

4/1/17

Some reflection on my life before coming to America: 10 years old: - living in bulgaria - was in 4th grade - obsessed with pokemon, and later with Bakugan - my only friend was a girl named kali, but i havent talked to her in almost 6 years wow - smol and ugly - had long curly hair (very annoying) - just wanted to get good grades, ok? - bullied by assholes - got all As except on one elective english class - best summer vacation ever - discovered anime through to love ru 11 years old: - first year of middle school (5th grade) - met the girl who later turns out to be my longest crush...ever - had an 'angels' planner that turned into a drawing notebook - grades start to fall - female history teacher was drunk - i became obsessed with k-on, madoka magica, and etc - discovered the great world of amvs - went on a bombass field trip - it was raining, but we got chips - also, weird coinsidense, the girls on the floor under us knew one person from the girls in our room...weird - shoulda sleept next to my soon-to-be crush, not the popular girl...ugh - still ugly - loved my biology teacher holy 12 years old: - i remember we skipped bio clasa and left school at the end of the school year - i had like 5 friends - another bomb-ass vacation in the mountains - i loved that hotel - summer that i seriously started editing - started 6th grade - my friends played ping pong and rope ALL.THE.TIME!! HOLY!! - my crush had a music game on her phone that i played - in the first semester of 6th grade we went on a field trip - we tried to summon bloody mary - it was dead-ass cold outside and snowing - my roommate got a cold - there was a guy named 'boris' who complimented my hair, and bam, i had a crush on him (only in 6th grade) - regret not sleeping next to the only person who has still remained my friend (aka crush)... again - 2011 had the best music hands down - 2011 to 2012 was the best new years party - until my best friend's drunk dad crashed to the nearest pole after the party - krisi gave me a great book to read, i read all 6 volumes of it...holy - i took math classes just to be with boris -i also found his grade book and awkwardly gave it to him lol -thats as far as boris's story went on.... 13 years: - summer of 2012 i officially told my best friend, about my crush (on a girl) - i did it while hugging a pillow - she was pretty chill about it - summer of 2012 was greAT for my editing skills -also another vacation in the mountains... - then in September we went to some close people's beach house - i liked that so much - gangnam style was trending - i knew that song before everyone else - going back and fourth between the beach and the house everday was literally the highlight of my day. -then at the end we went to an aqua park - also we used a trAIN. I love the train - 7th grade was literally the year of me rambling about my crush 24/7 - there was no stopping me - i would brag about her ALL.THE.TIME -there was this one field trip i wanted to go to but my parents didnt let me -i went to krissi's bday party (my crush wasnt there) and I BRAGGED ABOUT MY CRUSH TO EVERYONE ON THAT TABLE, HOLY I WAS ANNOYING AF - 2013 wss the year of the #hispter - i almost forced to hold my crush's hand all the time (sorry crush) - and i even put my hand on her thighs during class -wtf that was so gay i cri - me and my crush skipped the graduation party to go get ice cream - then we went to the mall and ate subway - she bought me a cute kimmi doll that i still keep today - i remember wanting to tell her that i like her but i was too scared... -then i moved to america

[for-the-brokenhearted]

1/23/2020

i am actually getting freaked out about how much time is passing without me logging in or anything. a lot of course has happened in the 7+ months ive been gone. its like a fucking pregnancy

ive literally been gone almost long enough to have a fucking child. i should start writing in here more, bobbi even suggested that. i had a meltdown at her house a couple of weeks ago and she gave me some really great advice....jase too.

i was upset bc craig and i had another fight. we had just gotten back from ny and i got sick with sinus infection and pink eye. wonderful. he came over and gave me some schpeel about...wait...schpiel? shpealllll....shpiel?? 

*clears throat* 

....about how he would like for us to be a couple that has great self discipline and shit... blah blah blah. im so annoyed. not only was it the most imperfect timing (me feeling as bad as i look) but as if i already didnt feel like shit.

this september, on MY birthday actually, we had a huge blowout bc i just couldnt take it anymore. i was sick of feeling fat, imperfect, ugly, not fit, all that jazz. 

what caused it all was him pointing out how i had bad posture while driving to his house. i fucking lost my shit.

“WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP POINTING OUT MY INSECURITIES I FEEL LIKE IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU IM SICK OF THIS SHIT I SHOULD NOT FEEL THIS BAD ABOUT MYSELF ALL THE TIME AND IM SICK OF THE PASSIVE AGRESSIVE COMMENTS YOU MAKE ABOUT ME AND MY BODY AND I FEEL LIK EVERY TIME YOU TOUCH ME ITS LIKE YOU’RE EVALUATING MY BODY FAT”

to be fair, i shoudlnt have blown the fuck up. but come on. i had been dealing with this shit for over two years. since float fest, maybe even before that. which is awful bc i shouldnt feel so bad everytime i look in the mirror. 

when im with my boyfriend or future husband or whatever...i should feel like the most beatufiyl person, inside and out. like i can tell him EVERYTHING and not feel like i have to lie to protect myself. 

this is just scary bc the bottom line is lately i havent felt like that. in a long time. like prob over a year. which sucks. 

anyways, the solution i came up with was to not talk about food, health, or fitness for 3 months. yup. i laid down the law. 

but at the same time, i needed to. this had really manifested itself into something super super ugly. where when we went out to eat i would order what i would think he would WANT me to order, not bc he said anything, but bc of the pressure i felt whether that was coming from him or me. 

i would also lie about getting fast food by myself or feel happy when i would skip a meal bc it was less calories- these are very unhealthy behaviors and i did tons more.

i felt like the little commesnt like grande girl or glutton girl really got to me and he probably felt like he could make those comments safely bc i wasnt fat or unhealthy. but he made me feel like it. 

im still working on it everyday, but right now im hitting a wall.

Bobbi told me to start writing more bc i think the stream of consciousness helps me cope. and i know shes right. i tell craig the same thing and he says it helps him gather his thoughts and whatnot.

i went over to her house freaking out bc i found myself in a state where i’m afraid of everything- this is actually my current state. i just had a major realization. 

im afraid of love. marriage. committment.. running. exercising. living together. moving forward- even though that's everything i want

craig also said that he felt like hes not allowed to touch me and we havent had sex in a while. bobbi pointed out that this is probably bc i wasnt taking care of myself and bc I didnt like MYSELF so i didnt want anyone near me.

she was def right about that. 

so i started doing more for myself and prioritizing the things i needed to do over everything else. its been nice. i even took a bath today. and the thing is craig is happy when i do things for myself like that. which is great.

but im still defensive and i still reject physical touch. i dont feel that kind of love i felt for craig at the beginning and he probably knows that. weve been through so much and ifeel like i dont know what to do.

i feel like were so unhealthy and i feel like things are always so fucking hard. i mean you know whats batshit crazy....? weve been dating for almost 5 motherfucking years. 

im so upset. not that weve been dating for that long, but because i feel like were still in such a juvenile spot. i got made earlier in 2019 bc craig is JUST NOW thinking about marriage and is having a forward thinking mindset. justnow. i am 25. im just sick of dating someone younger than me sometimes. 

i want to be lead. i want someone whos there for me. i want security, reliabiolity, etc.

last night we atually got into an arguemnt over bobbi and jase: tl;dr i feel like hes weird aroudn them and didnt liek the fact that he says a ton of outlandish negative untrue bullshit about jase and its not even true. its just based off of the “vibes” he gets. i dont do that. i try to be as kind as i can to everyone and i just feel like he has a lack of tolerance. i dont like that. i want him to have a good heart and treat everyone as they should be regardless of their background, unhealthy habits etc. 

i just feel like maybe the more we grow old or whatever, the less compatible were getting. and im exhausted. i dont feel like dating anyone else i dont even feel like dating him sometimes.

something cool we did discover, along with the fact that i need to take care of myself more is that in the relationship i have alwasy been “on” or “on call” in a way of alwasy being alert and never at rest bc i feel like he needs me to show up somewhere and in a way it was my way of showing that i cared about the relationship bc it was always top of mind, wrong. i am tired and maybe thats why i always got on his ass about random bullshit bc i felt like i was always putting in way more effort than he was, bc i was. in a bad way.

I'm really lost and i don't know what to do. I've been in new Orleans (still am) for Kaltura connect and its been super fun to meet a ton of cool people. but i am so tired, I worked almost a 12 hour day yesterday and conferences are exhausting. 

maybe im feeling this way bc I'm tired? i just hope we get it back even though sometimes it feels like we wont’. our relationship has always been so volatile form the very beginning and i was hoping that over time it would get better. in some ways it has, in some ways it hasnt. 

i look at couples and marriage photos and see the love and the joy these other people experience and i wonder if i will ever get that. sometimes with craig i think yes, but sometimes i think no. what if this ends. i know ill be okay if it does but obviously thats not ideal. the thing is that were not even married and i dont feel that now, will i ever? will it come back? im praying for an amazing and safe but spontaneous love and ive been praying that for a while, i just dont know if ill ever get that with him. is this God telling me this is the end? then again,  ive felt like this before

like last year 12.23.18 when craig called me a slut and called my family psychos at the slc track bc i accidentally threw keys at my face. it took me the majority of 2019 to get over that. and to get over the fact that 4 months later i was going to be fired from wells fargo.

bottom line is im getting older and i feel like i don't have time for stupid bullshit or to feeol bad about myself, but the problem is that i still do. maybe this is just the beginning of the end. we love each other so much- i really do and i mean it. sometimes i feel like i could never be this comfortable with anyone ever again, but then again i said that last time with chad.

fuckkkkkkkkk i hate feeling like this. i hate being so unsure about everything and feeling like shit. i feel lonely bc sometimes our disagreements are so bad. i just want him to grow up and get over htis shit or maybe its just time to move on.

hes already done some growing up but i cant keep banking on that to happen in a long term plan bc what happens if he doesnt..... then what.