#we ran into a rattlesnake

[heyclickadee]

I’m probably less afraid of venomous snakes than I should be. I mean, they’re dangerous, of course, but the best way to avoid being bitten is to just give them a wide berth. It won’t always work, because they’re hard to see, and a person will sometimes, tragically, not see a snake until they’re stepping on it. But they’re not malicious. There are aggressive snakes out there, but they’re fairly rare, and it’s not as though they go out looking to bite humans, because we’re too big for most snakes, let alone venomous snakes, to eat. When, for example, rattlesnakes snakes bite, they bite because they’re threatened, surprised, or scared. They’re just trying to defend themselves from something much bigger than they are, and which they perceive as a threat. Rattlesnakes even warn you to get away before they bite you most of the time! They’re so polite! Like, sorry I disturbed you, little guy—let me back up and move out of your way. No reason to panic.

I am, however, terrified of water snakes. Like. Oh? Is that a sea snake? Cool, cool, cool, it’s not even going to have to bite me because I’m going to give myself the benz by panicking and pulling the wrong tab on my scuba vest so I shoot up to the surface like a cork. Ditto for water moccasins (though let’s be real, if I find myself in the water with a water moccasin I’m probably also bumping into an alligator).

[panlight]

Am I alone in thinking the original reason Carlisle had a supply of blood in Breaking Dawn was in case Bella needed a transfusion? Bella and Renesmee do end up drinking it, but I don't think that was its original purpose.

The reason I think this is because Rosalie says specifically they have a bunch of "type O negative laid aside for Bella." Why would they need a specific type if it were for drinking? The only reason the type would matter is if it were intended for human Bella who might need it for medical reasons.

And later Seth comments that Carlisle's going to buy more blood because Bella's drinking all the O negative and Carlisle's worried about depleting the stockpile. Again, the specific type makes me think this is about a potential transfusion.

Also, in that weird "Blood Bank" deleted scene from Twilight, it's revealed Bella's blood type is O negative.

“Alice and I knocked over the hospital blood bank, ” he admitted, seeming embarrassed. “It was her fault-she refused to hunt coyotes or rattlesnakes.” I giggled, picturing her distaste. “I hoped you stayed away from the O-negative, ” I tried unsuccessfully to look severe. He glared, upset by my reference to those first anxious hours-of which I had no memory-when the hospital ran out of my blood type and had to have more rushed up by helicopter from Tucson. “We chose AB-positive, of course.” “Of course, ” I agreed. “Those lucky stiffs can use anybody’s blood.” He scowled at me. He considered it all part of my hazard-attracting nature-and therefore my fault-that I would have the most difficult blood to supply.

Blood transfusions were a big thing in Dracula so that could have been an interesting reference/throwback to granddaddy of vampire novels if SM were more vampire genre savvy.

[whump-card]

The Method

~500 words

CW: implied child death, institutionalization

~~~

I do not believe my husband called them.

I think they just saw a woman starving on the street and thought, ‘good enough.’

I appreciated the new clothes, though; the hot shower, the warm bed. I had missed these things.

Once I felt human again I asked to go home, but I was told I must follow the method. Finish the program. Only then could I go home.

I had a roommate, Colette. Her hair was dull and matted, and I could smell her when she stepped closer than what was allowed.

“Why don’t you bathe?” I asked finally.

“I could help you,” I said.

She hissed back at me, rattlesnake, scared kitten.

“If they can’t make us beautiful, they can’t make us whores.”

I had many thoughts about that.

They are not allowed to undress us; so, some women in the program by compulsory order would protest by not bathing. I learned this. The protesters are very spirited.

I’d have liked to tell them that the working women I met on the streets were very spirited as well. They weren’t what the method was trying to make us.

I often wondered why I never saw any of them in the program.

I passed by unnoticed at first. I have always been good at following instructions. However, alas, I have always been good at following instructions.

“Everyone! Look at Mrs Lavigne! Look at how neat and tidy she is!

“Don’t you want to be just like her?”

There’s a difference between being alone by your own choice and being alone by someone else’s. It turns acrid.

There’s a banned pop song. It starts, “My baby, my baby,” slow and dreamy. We danced to it, my husband and I, back when we had a radio. I don’t think the song was made for dancing. We danced anyway. You have to when there are so few chances.

I would lie in my cot at night and go over and over the scrap of song I could remember like running my tongue over a bitten cheek and cry.

Not for my husband.

When he came to pick me up, he smiled at me like he’d just dropped me off that morning. Like we’d been apart hours, not months.

Like I hadn’t run away.

He’d gotten the car detailed. I wondered if he’d done that for me, or because I wasn’t there.

What kind of appearances did he have to keep up while I was gone?

The method said to feel guilty for every second that we spent away from our husbands, especially time spent being educated on our failings. We should be better than that.

I didn’t particularly care.

We stopped at the grave.

I asked if he’d brought flowers, or a toy, to leave there, and he had the decency to look guilty.

We went home.

It smelled different.

I ran away again five weeks later.

I’ve made it farther this time.

[mayorofthegalaxy]

The Cat Part II

Warnings; the reader is amab, near car accident, that’s it.

“Okay, brother I know you said you won’t tell where, but will you tell what circle of pride? I won’t guess! I promise!” Charlie exclaims, you only smile noting her new record of fifteen minutes into the road trip to ask, you hum she’ll see the signs for sixth tunnel soon anyway, so why not?

“Sure, before I answer, have any of you been past the fifth circle?” You ask giving them all a glance in your review mirror before looking at the road again. “Oh! I want to go first! Please Brother?!” Charlie begs jolting keekee from Charlie’s lap to Vaggie’s, startling the grey skin girl from her resting state to pet the unnatural animal to calm down,

“I’m sure you don’t have to ask, Char.” Dad says from the very back.

“Right, hehe. Never past the sixth, like dad says.” Charlie announces showing off her ivory fangs, “That’s my girl.” He says with a grin, “How about you son?”

“Nothing past seventh, for real estate~!” You sang “You know the Rattlesnake community don’t want to live in burrows because of all the lava? I cannot *wait* to start designing!” You beam, clenching the steering wheel almost breaking it, until you feel the back of Alastor’s fingers on your cheek.

His touch doesn’t change your mood and definitely does not keep you from chuckling to yourself while driving a little faster almost to the sixth circle tunnel, “I’ve raised a real estate businessman monster.” Dad smirks chuckling to himself, you don’t feel the mildly concern stares the others give you.

“Well! I’ve only been in one through five. But I have heard wonderful things from circles six through nine.” Alastor chirps, as he knows that the higher circles are where the native beings of pride stay as his new home with you is in the fifth.

“Twisted wonderfully I’m sure! What lies past the sixth is so dangerous Satan would need more arms than he already has!“ Dad enlightens them smirking with pride that only his ring have twisted wonderland.

“Right, and which circle are we going to again?” Angel ask pushing his head between Alastor’s and your seat, looking at you with a raise brow.

“Well my curious fellow, we’re going to spend our week in the sixth ring!” Alastor answers.

“That wouldn’t have twisted whatever right?”

You shoot one arm across Angel with your hand flat on Alastor’s chest stomping on the brakes but not turning the wheel to the side, you stop in time for the red blob to bounce on top of the hood making a louder sound then it should, then landing somewhere else instead of being ran over.

“Jesus Christ Y/n! What the hell was that for?!”Angel yells fixing his footing to be back in his seat.

“Did anyone else hear that? Did we hit somebody?”Vaggie ask, taking off her seatbelt and sifting through the windows near, her hand on Charlie’s head soothing the locks.

“I hope they’re okay!” Charlie exclaim, taking off her seat belt and pick up Niffty ignoring that she was giggling to herself. Dad slithers from the back past the drinking Husk to the front, peering out the other side of windows standing next to Angel Dust he narrows his eyes.

“So, did you see where they went?”

You roll your eyes to dismiss the jibe, your fingers reach the red head’s jaw playing along the structure his flesh cooling your fingers. Alastor tilts his head to the touch his eyes not leaving Lucifer, knowing this will drag out because of Charlie’s heart he’ll need to push this along.

“Mm, I’m sure the thing is alright, even if I don’t sense it.” You try also peering at Dad.

“Oh! Did you kill it?!” Frighten Charlie skitters out the door, her locks constantly moving for the body that should be near, your orbs narrow at her sunshine locks your fangs grinding, Dad and some follow Charlie aiding in searching.

“There’s no need for that mon cher, come I’m quite intrigue at the thing out there.” His voice soothing the crashing sounds in your mind, you sigh, stepping out. You keep in stride with the taller male you cease on the sidewalk leaning against bricks of a shop, enjoying shade you hum summoning Mr. Donut the yellow noodle on your shoulder slithering to hold your neck his face meeting your fingers.

Alastor leers into an alley, smirking as he watch those sinners run and tumble away he shrugs with a slight giggle, who ever made this ruckus must be alright. He should hurry this along to sooner reach the Cabin. “Alastor, why isn’t Y/n helping? Is he tired?” Vaggie questions the casual dress demon looking at the alley dirty concrete for fresh blood.

“Do you have siblings, my dear?” His static buzzing in tone with him, grey filling the corner of his eye.

“Uh— Technically yeah, but no I don’t count it. You?” She retorts, her fingers adjusting in grip of her spear. “No. And that’s just it my dear, we won’t understand that bond..” He hums turning to the blonde demon belle and Angel searching in the distance.

You sigh breaths stuttering from your lips turning to lean heavily on your shoulder, about to tell Charlie to cut her loses, Mr. Donut hisses cradling your ear messing with the hairs around it his body tightening around your torso your digits running down the scales of his spine.

Mr. Donut slithers past your ear and under your chin wrapping fully around your shoulders leering at the thing that caught his senses, tilting his head at the red and black creature with the face of his other master he hiss loudly not sensing transformation magic. The back of your hand is put under him leading him to be in front of your eye line his slits remain unchanging, you follow his glaring turning to face this creature animal that is just as adorable as your lover, your eyes not leaving it’s unblinking ones.

“Holy shit this thing made an imprint! And it looks like red lanky creep!” Angel Dust calls, since nobody else is looking around the car, some others around Charlie returns the stare. Charlie is the first to reach the hood gasping at the sight that the creature even have Alastor’s monocle, Lucifer joins in Angel’s laughter leaning onto Charlie Vaggie doesn’t see the humor in this and only rise her brow shaking her head at thoughts coming in her mind.

Alastor appears beside Angel Dust humming at the damage he’ll fix the damage after you calm down and have a laugh, you appear in front of him facing every one holding his red look alike that’s a cat? Perhaps hybrid, by the scruff of its neck leering at it eye level to your slit irises, Alastor tilts his head his ears following suit.

“Holy shit! That's adorable!”

“Nope.”

“Holy Smokes, that’s an ugly cat.”

“No way that’s a cat, what the fuck is it?”

“What a big smile, it’s even foaming at the mouth.”

“A small sir to be friends!”

“We’ve found it, In the car we’re leaving.” You sigh out handing the unsettling creature to Charlie her hands around it gingerly they settle well in her arms, but it does stare at dad even as they all go inside the car hopefully for the last time today.

“Aww, I’ll name you Caster.” Charlie coos, her fingers playing with its paws, Husk being in the car the whole time raise his brow to the second smaller Alastor at Angel when he returns to his seat in exchange the spider shrugs shaking his head.

You nod at the name enjoying it you smile as you open the door for Alastor noticing the lack of face on your car. With him and you finally inside, it does not take you long to start the car and finishing the journey to your family Cabin.

->Time skip<-

Charlie leans her head against the window her locks being a cushion even if it’s in a different style from usual the hairs on her shoulder being pawed at from the stray her eyes remain outside, with the car on the bridge heading towards their vacation surely she’ll spot the signs where they going.

She’ll admit she did not want to ask with the thought of jinxing the car to stop once again today, she couldn’t have that and stayed comfortable with Vaggie leaning on her shoulder holding KeeKee she didn’t want to move anyway. Her waiting rewards her while she is appreciates her city in this Carmine color she sees only one circle on the highway sign that makes sense, circle six the Morningstar Cabin.

Charlie grins her hand on her cheek peering at the up coming tunnel she can already see the surrounding forest, she giggles looking towards you and when she catches your gaze she beams wider when you grin back.

“The perfect getaway right? I’m happy we’re doing this.” Dad chimes, his voice lulling her into the past she smiles at him laying her forehead on his cheek.

“Holy shit! So this is the sixth circle, huh short prince?” Angel exclaims, rolling down the window and poking his head out not aware that Hell can come in these cool hues, even smelling nature he wouldn’t thought to smell again.

“Yeah, what comes beauty is hidden thorns.” You breath taking the sights as you ride along the river coast on one side the other is a slope of towering trees, you smile you may be a real estate monster you’ll never let anyone change the home of your much happier memories.

“Darling, you mean this forest can threaten powerful souls?” Enjoying the showcase of fangs you show to him “They would never be found again, my dear.” You respond his grin is that much wider.

Alastor peer upon the more residential area of the circle, the majority being elite Hellborns and Imps, he marks down a butcher he would like to visit and perhaps the shops as well he giggles new methods and plans to pace yourself from stress.

Your eye catch him mid giggle raising your brow you feel bad for whomever he’s thinking of with a roll of your orbs, you continue along the smooth road taking a few turns the woods remain the same with lavish manors and castles far between.

You slow to a crawl with the grand gates in front with your last name a glow, Dad starts first his head appearing above the middle console snapping his fingers, you join in grinning Charlie beams finishing the rhythm. The gates open seamlessly for you all, the path you take is long for fifteen mph the property having a few acres with a healthy garden trees and a lake, you do not have to worry about the wild life either with fifteen foot long stone walls.

Alastor notes that this isn’t a traditional wooden cabin he expected large stone walls, wood log beams with excellent multiple window placement, grand and hopefully no tacky circus decor. You park in the garage giddy with every breath you take, putting the keys in your void.

“Come on Vaggie! I can’t wait to show you our room.” Charlie beams dragging the poor girl out the garage luggage in hand.

“Imma get a room with a balcony.” Angel sings following Charlie with Husk on his tail and Niffty is gone. You prance to the trunk for your luggage when you stop to see Caster lounging on them, the cat laying his head on his paws the tail swaying lazily. You smile reaching for his fluffy ears—

“Ah, I wouldn’t do that, son. The beast got rabies.” Dad notes, you hum you’ll train him to not bite later. Caster lets out static jolt of sound jumping on your arm and going to land on dad who yelp running behind you, you leer at the beast on the floor who’s grin gotten smaller, you pick him up by the scruff.

“My, seems like Caster is defensive.” Alastor rang a smug smile on his lips, “Oh, what's there to be defensive of!” You add with a chuckle, you keep hold of Caster while your darling snap away the luggage.

“In the morning I’m making pancakes, but not for him.” Dad taunts the mini beast grabbing his case and closing the trunk and disappearing further inside. You adjust the cat to be more comfortable in your one arm while the other wraps around your darling hip, leading him to your room.

End of Part II

[strikersexhaver]

Hi!

Since requests are open, I thought I'd give it a try! So far, I've only saw 1-2 fics with the similar concept. Can I request headcanons for Striker x Male Angel Reader? I thought it'd be interesting since know we know how angels look like (Canonically: Adam and there are two concept art pictures of two angel sisters: Emily and Sera).

(A/N) Okay so! I’m not sure if Emily and Sera are canon. Because when I looked for them it was “Hazbin Hotel: Journey to the Light” which I think was a very popular fan fiction? I’m not sure though. Regardless, I got you covered though!

I used some personal headcanons, to make it easier / flow more smoothly. It also worked as a ‘angel who’s pretty much a runt and got kicked out’

Striker X Male Angel!S/O

Like most demons, during the aftermath of an exorcist. Striker was in the pride on grabs for leftover angelic weaponry.

It’s not that he liked the spears that they used, oh no no, he was a gunman through and through.

It’s simply that the metals from these leftover weapons can create other holy weapons. Such as his guns, for his job it was crucial to have these. As demonic royalty (and overlords) cannot die (or die again) without certain holy weaponry.

But what he was not expecting to find was an angel that was left behind, you were attempting and failing to conjure a portal back.

It was depressing watching you fail back and forth, but unfortunately Striker wasn’t here to pity.

He wanted your weapon plus- you were distracted so perfect opportunity.

Quietly sneaking up behind you and slipping your weapon with something else he ran.

You didn’t even notice as you were so annoyed, pissed that you couldn’t go back.

It was only until you looked around and noticed the weight in your hand was gone, you let out a sigh.

You usually were supposed to drop these weapons anyway, but you brought your own.

Your own weapon you spent too much time investing in, so you had to go and get it regardless.

The only thing you saw of him was a cowboy silhouette and the only thing that came to mind was Wrath, you’ve heard that those who live there are much more akin to southern people on Earth.

You tracked him down, all the way back to his lair to find him dissembling your weapon, pissed you were at the discovery.

He was surprised you followed him, found it amusing an angel being so caught up on a demon went this far. But he used this as a chance to see how good angels really were at fighting.

He was proved right, you were good at what you did. But he was a bit surprised, you didn’t seem like too much of an elite angel. You were on his level but that’s it.

He was intrigued, so he teased you and stopping trying with you practically becoming a casual

Even flirting with you saying things like-

“What’s a handsome thang’ like ya’ self doin’ all this far out in hell?” His tail swished with interest, with an amused grin.

“Heh, I thought y’all were supposed to fuckin’ hate hell-“

It was clear he wasn’t taking you all that seriously, he figured you were left behind.

You were trying not to respond till you got some upper hand- yet to no avail.

He pissed you off.

He noticed and kept fucking around with you, belittling you in comments jokingly.

At one point you even laughed at them, not even taking them offensively.

You started to flirt back in a way that was demeaning in the eyes of your angelic peers from above.

During this fight your feathers fell off, not from the pressure but the fact you were flirting with a demon, maybe the older angels would claim it’s because you both are men.

But for some reason, you did not care. You already got left behind by your fellow angels so- what was the point anymore?

You two started hitting it off, a withering angel on the way to being fallen and a rattlesnake-imp of a cowboy.

He took you out instead of fighting with you, he flirted with you while taking the two of you to a bar.

“So’ why’d ya’ get kicked out?” he said while drinking a shot of whiskey.

You denied being kicked out, as your feathers fell.

He shrugged it off, what was clear to him clearly wasn’t to you.

Until you noticed your wings dropped, your back light and nothing was able to lift you off your feet anymore.

You clutched your shoudler as you turned to see your now gone wings.

Striker had a smirk on his face

“See? Ya’ got left alone suga’” he kept drinking and looked at you with a smirk.

A look of shock was on your face till realization hit, yeah you fully got left behind purposefully. And fully alone- besides the half-imp besides you of course.

Striker on the other hand, used this to his advantage he was able pry out the information on where Angels dropped their weapons in hell from you.

And other, miscellaneous things that would help him out

He did start to like you, eventually, he smiled around you. He got you to assist him on his jobs, furthering your downfall to hell.

[panfluidme]

one-shot request: Could you do a one-shot where Chris and Martin are out adventuring and Chris gets bit by a venomous snake but he and Martin are far away from the Tortuga so they have to rush to get back in time? I’ve had this idea in my head for a while but I’m terrible at writing :(

JUST IN TIME

Martin and Chris were out looking for a small rodent named a shrew. They were small and mole like. They ate mostly a few different kinds of bugs, beetles, and spiders. Chris thought they were absolutely adorable and wanted to learn what cool creature powers they had.

The older blond didn't have a problem with this. He liked shrews too. He was just as excited as Chris to find one and examine everything about it. Martin leaned against Chris as they walked, spitting out facts about shrews and their predators.

Most of which, Chris already knew. But both brothers liked to tell the other facts, even if they both already knew it. It made them so happy, it didn't matter to them.

Chris looked up at his brother and chuckled a little. He occasionally made a comment or two or asked a few questions. After Martin was done rambling, it was Chris' turn.

They walked further into the wooded areas. They chatted and laughed. Soon enough, they were several miles into them, several miles away from the Tortuga.

"Martin, look!" Chris pointed out a shrew that was in a tree cavity, curled up and asleep. "It's so cute."

Martin carefully picked it up. "Aww, I'll call you Sherly."

"Like a Sherly temple?"

The blond nodded and smiled. "And shrew."

Sherly looked up at him. It then curled back up and fell back asleep. Martin smiled and gently stroked her head.

Neither noticed the timber rattlesnake slithering up to them. It slithered up Martin's leg and tried to get the shrew, but he moved his hand away.

It flew a little and bit Chris' arm instead. Chris gritted his teeth and looked at the bite, furrowing his eyebrows together. "Martin?"

Martin set the shrew down and picked Chris up. He started running. "Hey, it'll be okay."

"I think I got bit."

"You were. Just keep breathing." Martin ran faster, holding onto Chris as close as he could. "You're doing great, bro. Keep breathing."

Chris hummed tiredly and looked up at him. "How are we moving?"

"I'm running."

"Oh." Chris shut his eyes and leaned against him. His breath became labored as time went on.

Martin was so scared that he was going to lose Chris. And that made him more determined to run faster. He heard Chris' stomach churn, and he prayed.

'To any god out there, please don't let Chris die. I can't lose him,' he thought. 'He's my best friend. I don't want to lose him.'

The Tortuga came into sight just over an hour later. He was barely out of breath until he got Chris inside to be cared for. Aviva and Koki ran off with Chris, Martin starting to sway when Chris was gone. He had run so far, so fast, in such a short amount of time, with no water or food or breaks.

Now that the adrenaline was wearing off, Martin's whole body was already getting sore. His legs like they would buckle in. His body felt dehydrated and he was starting to shake with hunger.

He was out cold when Aviva shook him awake. She had a bottle of water and a plate of steaming hot food. He blinked a few times and rubbed his eyes. She smiled warmly at him.

"Hey. Jimmy made you some food. Careful, it's hot."

Martin sat up and took the plate. "Is Chris okay?"

"Chris is just okay. He's still out, but he'll be awake soon."

The older relaxed and sipped the water. "Thank god. He's okay."

Aviva nodded. "Once you finish eating and drinking, you're welcome to go see him. I don't know when he'll be awake."

Martin hugged her. "Thank you for helping."

"Of course."

[matthew-pasquarello]

I. written since the god stood in my way, a tiny butt-headed stranger fiddling the corners of the earth but i'd rather meet those rattlesnakes and aphrodisiacs than the morons that grab their cocks in a "hoorah!" and mean it. fuckin' A! can swamp monsters learn from the quickness surrounding every book we've read and ever plan to stomp on when we're pissed off? so what. grow up. suck ink through a broken straw. smile when you're hurt. your spine is gonna go in and out on you. oh fuck!

II. glacier cold. ran off and let the guttural sounds emit from each and every "don't question" method if we ever were makeshift fiction would that be able to support our ingratiated weight as we stand in the rowboat? especially long-winded circumstances grab well-deserved sighs during which we are dribbling forth a full-court press

III. satire with its tongue out just didn't leave saliva behind spittle in a particle absorbing information stuffed in a hard suitcase and head for the hills with just crackers and not a bomb, don't we see logic, don't we chew on bones?

IV. we didn't wait for any warning we tied our shoes and wandered in

[kimberly40]

Southernisms:

Dumb as a bag full of hammers.

Meaner than a skillet full of rattlesnakes.

I won't say it's far, but I had to grease the wagon twice before I hit the main road.

If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn't get to the state line.

He looks like he was inside the outhouse when lightening struck.

She looks like she was born down wind from the outhouse.

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Scared as a sinner in a cyclone.

Scared as a cat at the dog pound.

She's so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road.

He's so ugly his cooties have to close their eyes.

So ugly his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn't have to kiss him goodbye.

She looks like she fell face-down in the sticker patch and cows ran over her.

He looks like the dogs have been keepin' him under the porch.

He's about as sharp as a mashed potato.

So dusty the rabbits are digging holes six feet in the air.

It'll last about as long as a fart in a whirlwind.

He's rough as a corn cob.

He's got enough money to burn a wet mule.

He's about as sharp as a bag full of wet mice.

It's as dry as the dust in a mummy's pocket.

It's about as scarce as bird crap in a cuckoo clock.

He's as tight as the pages in a book.

This race is as tight as the rusted lug nuts on a '55 Ford.

It’s hot enough to peel house paint.

Running like a squirrel in a cage.

Safe as a tick on a dog with a stiff neck.

He couldn't pour rain out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel.

If dumb was dirt, he'd cover about half an acre.

So windy we're using a log chain instead of a wind sock.

Tighter than bark on a tree.

As welcome as an outhouse breeze.

Her hair looks like a cats been suckin' on it.

We were so poor my brother and me had to ride double on our stick horse.

As bad-off as a rubber-nosed woodpecker in a petrified forest.

As confused as a cow on astroturf.

It was so hot you could pull a baked potato right out of the ground.

It's so dry the trees are whistling for the dogs.

Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.

If things get any better around here, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!

Cute as a box full of puppies.

You can't get rid of 'em. He's like a booger you can't thump off.

It's about as hard as trying to steer a herd of cats.

The wheels still turning, but the hamster's dead.

He's so confused he doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass.

She was as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

So crooked you can't tell from his tracks if he's coming or going.

I wouldn't trust him any farther than I can throw him.

He's got more guts than you could hang on a fence.

So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.

So dry I'm spitting cotton.

So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

Cold as a frosted frog.

Cold as an ex-wife's heart.

Cold as a cast iron commode.

Cold as a banker's heart.

She's about as useful as buttons on a dishrag.

He's tougher than a two-dollar steak.

Happy as a puppy with two tails.

She’s got enough wrinkles to hold an eight-day rain.

That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!

He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt-kickin contest!

He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.

That politician’s so crooked he could hide behind a cork screw!

That baby was so ugly the Doctor spanked the Momma!

She’s so ugly she’s got ten-foot pole marks all over her.

It’s rainin’ so hard it sounds like a cow pissing on a flat rock.

He’s so bad off, his eyes looked like two piss-holes in a snowbank.

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

Her hair looks like it caught on fire and somebody put it out with a brick.

He couldn’t find his rear with his hands in his back pockets.

It’s raining so hard the animals are starting to pair up.

His pants were so tight that if he farted, he’d blow his boots off.

Raising kids is like being pecked to death by a chicken.

He’s so skinny, his pants had only one back pocket.

He was mean enough to hunt bears with a hickory switch.

He was ugly as a burnt boot.

Tougher than the back end of a shootin' gallery.

...Thank You, Dear Lord, for blessing me with being a Southerner.

•Photo taken near Spruce Pine, North Carolina

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

how would Bella Plus One's life change if they were as good-smelling as the canon Bella?

Anon's referring to A Girl's Best Friend, Love, and Lobsters starring a Bella who's been infected by an alien into Bella Plus One.

Required reading.

Bella Smells Delicious

Rather than have a meh first day of class where Edward just concludes she smells terrible, just terrible, Edward has his canon reaction where he flees to Alaska.

Bella Plus One, aware that Edward is a predator and thinking he's a different type of alien, takes this in stride and debates their options. On the one hand, they could leave Forks, but Phil. On the other hand, the alien appears to have gone back to the mothership potentially to prepare for the invasion.

What a fiend.

However, there's still a little Bella in Bella Plus One, so their priorities are completely out of order in they decide blending in with the humans takes precedence to running Edward down and destroying him before he can complete his scouting mission.

The other Cullens continue to do nothing about Bella Plus One and seemingly pay her no mind at all. Suspicious.

(The Cullens indeed give 0 fucks about Bella at this point knowing her only as the girl who was too delicious and ran off their brother.)

Edward Returns

As in canon, Edward returns because he has to show Hamburger who's boss for reasons unclear to himself that are surely purely romantic in nature. As before, he's fairly certain he slipped in front of Bella, however dim and human she is he needs to do damage control and gaslight her into thinking he's a normal person.

So, Edward returns to quiz Bella and...

Her answers to his questions are quite shocking! He finds out that she doesn't like Forks, that she moved because of her stepfather but not be because he's bad, and that she doesn't like the wet. Her mind is an utter mystery to him.

And he's pretty sure she noticed something.

(Bella Plus One did very clearly notice something and knows exactly what Edward's doing: he's scoping them out to see how much information they'll reveal.

JOKES ON YOU, EDWARD, Bella Plus One thinks, WE SHALL TELL YOU NOTHING. NYUK NYUK NYUK.

Bella Plus One also realizes either Edward's getting very tricksy with his mind games or he genuinely has no idea they aren't human either. Court's out on which it is though, Edward with his unnatural good looks is a tricky customer.)

The Unthinkable Happens

Bella is nearly hit by a van.

Luckily for Bella Swan, Edward pulls her out of the way just in time and crushes the truck like a pretzel in front of her. He doesn't know why he does this either and is horrified that, of all people, he did this with Bella Swan whose thoughts he can't read.

Now, Bella Plus One could have survived this (did in the original fic even), and they are trying to guess whether Edward knows that or not. They decide this is a threat, that Edward is purposefully displaying how strong he is in front of them, because Bella Plus One enroached on Cullen territory.

He's doing that rattlesnake hissing thing in other words.

Bella Plus One is then carted to a hospital where. Oh fuck, the father is employed. This time, Carlisle doesn't pay much attention to Bella and doesn't insist on lab work, but you have Edward acting twelve-times as creepy and insisting Bella hit her head so as not to blow their cover.

Bella Plus One realizes they've arrived in the middle of these fuckers taking over the town. The reason they're so antsy about Bella Plus One interfering is because they must be in the early infiltration stages where everything's not under control.

Bella Plus One realizes the armada may soon be coming.

A Few Hours Later

Edward, meanwhile, goes home where his family votes whether or not to kill Bella.

Unfortunately, as Bella Plus One is an alien, Alice can't see her so has not been predicting her future friendship or Edward's future love life. Which means that Jasper goes to kill Bella Plus One.

Jasper finds himself unexpectedly in a fight he's losing with the stronger Bella Plus One. However, fortuantely, Bella Plus One seems to have no idea how to kill him.

Jasper, being far antsier than Carlisle about this sort of thing, retreats to Denali and urges the family to come with. The family, with much grumbling, agrees and they meet up outside of town where Jasper goes "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!"

(Bella Plus One, in the meantime, burns down the Cullen's house.)

Edward decides Bella Plus One is the devil, thanks to their delicious scent and clear inhumanity. They are a venus flytrap, drawing in their prey only to try and destroy them!

Behind Carlisle's back, Edward and Jasper conspire to murder Bella Plus One (Rosalie votes they just give in and leave town, clearly, God doesn't want them in Forks).

And Then?!

I imagine what follows is essentially Looney Tunes sketches of the Road Runner and Wile E. Cayote. Increasing ridiculous and violent attempts to kill off Bella Plus One that somehow don't work and probably destroy the town of Forks in the process not to mention break the secret.

[22-b]

went on a walk !! saw the neighborhood kitties and took some very blurry pictures !! (they move around a lot…)

^ Domino !! he ran away shortly after

^ Maxine / Molly / Muffin (we don’t really know?) she was rolling around in the sand but I got to pet her

^ there was also a rattlesnake !!! :3

[501st-rexster]

HERE IT IS

So I got a confidence boost and finally finished the first part of the first chapter of the Western AU.

I really hope people like this, I have spent a long time working on the story and have had a lot of fun writing it. But for now, here's the first part!

Outlaw For Truth

TW: Mild swearing, drinking, death, graphic description of injuries, ANGST

WC: 2,718

No one ever said being an officer of the law was easy. 

No one ever warned that you'd be falsely accused of murder, arrested by the very people you try to protect, and be forced to team up with an outlaw to find your best friend’s killer all while evading an unrelenting mule of a man and a rattler that would like nothing more than to see your blood stain the dirt.

And no one ever told Deputy Rex Ward that he'd go through such an ordeal he'd be within inches of his life more times than he could count in less than a month.

No one could have possibly prepared him for Cody Fett’s death.

Wild West, South Dakota, 1896

“Is the coffee maker fixed yet, Rex?” 

The Deputy sighed heavily, glancing over at the Sheriff that sat with his boots up on his desk, chewing aggressively on a toothpick. “No, Cody, it’s not going to be fixed since the last time you asked me twenty minutes ago. We still haven't gotten a new replacement for the broken bottom.” He retorted as he ran a polishing cloth over the barrel of his Whitworth rifle. “If you're real desperate, why don'tcha stick a can outside and put some crushed beans in there. I'm sure it'll taste fine.” He snickered.

Sheriff Cody Fett took the toothpick from his mouth and sighed heavily before he flicked it at his friend with a smirk. “That attitude ain’t changed one bit since we were kids, has it?”

Deputy Rex Ward rolled his eyes when the toothpick hit his knee. He cracked a smile at his senior officer. “You’re the one who chose me for a Deputy, sir,” he pointedly sneered the name. “You had your choice of the other officers, but you chose your best friend. Means you have to deal with all the attitude I come with. Not my fault you make poor decisions.”

Cody tilted his Stetson hat down to create a better shadow over his eyes as they narrowed ever so slightly, the golden glow shining in the late afternoon sunlight that snuck in the window, outlining his thin lipped grin. “Watch it, you son of a bitch, or I’ll have to string you up one of these days.” He joked.

Rex opened his mouth to say something when another voice beat him to words. “Can’t you two go one day without poking at each other? Ain’t you got better things to do?” Asked Officer Jesse Brooks as he walked in, adjusting the black and white bandana around his neck. “Can’t believe you two still bicker like a pair of badgers fightin’ over a rattlesnake.” He muttered.

Rex kicked back and tilted his head as he leaned his rifle against his desk, shrugging the shoulders of his navy blue jacket. “Ah, come on, Jess, we’re not nearly that aggressive. Now, you get Cody and that bastard Fox Gray in the same room…” He snickered as he cast a mischievous glance over at his best friend.

Sheriff Fett sighed. “You’re not talking about that duel we had a few years back, are you?” His tone held a hint of exasperation, even more so when Rex nodded. “Yeah, well, he shoulda known not to mess with me. He’s lucky I didn’t put a bullet through his forehead.”

“No, you just put one in his shoulder instead.”

“Enough, Rex.”

Jesse couldn’t help but smile at the usual banter between the two officers of the law. In the three years he’d worked with them as an officer for the town of Yankton, he had learned within the first month that Cody Fett and Rex Ward had been friends since they were boys, only age eight, and had sworn to protect each other for life. They were like brothers to each other. Now, twenty five years later, they sat at the highest seats in town, willingly burdened with the safety of their people. And they’d done a fantastic job of protecting everyone. The amount of outlaws and ne’er-do-wells they’d put behind bars rivaled anyone in the history of the town.

Jesse hung his vest on the rack near the door; the early afternoon sun, despite the late season, still scorched the town. The Officer removed his holster from his belt and set it on the desk as he fell into his chair. He grabbed the metal cup of water and took a long swig before leaning his head back and blowing a hard breath through his lips.

The Deputy spun his custom Colt Revolver in his hand, backwards then front, then backwards again. “Y’alright, Jess? You look a little tired.”

“Have you been outside today, sir? It’s gotta be ninety bleedin’ degrees out! Ain’t even a slight bit airish!” He then shook his head. “But that’s less important’n what I been hearing. We been getting reports of mysterious threats bein’ left on folks’ doors,” he said far more seriously.

The Sheriff sat up straight. “Someone’s threatening the people?” Asked Cody, clearly ready to swing at whoever might be winding up to hurt his townsfolk.

Jesse hesitated, then shook his head. “Well, not exactly. They’re getting threats, but not aimed at them. Seems almost everyone’s gotten a threat that was aimed at you.” He nodded to his Sheriff.

Rex turned his head to his best friend with wide eyes only to find a faint smile on Cody’s face. “That ain’t anything new. Same thing happened a few years back, remember, Rex?”

The Deputy chuckled. “Found out it was some kids playin’ a prank. Boy, did they spend time working that off.” 

Jesse hesitated. “There has been word of a few new outlaws in the area, though. Maybe one’s set his sights on our town.”

Rex narrowed his amber eyes, his pistol stopping in his hand to be held at the ready. “Then they’d be messing with the wrong men. Anyone threatens Fett, they mess with me, too. Ain’t nothing gonna happen to him as long as I’m around.”

“Ever the optimistic one, aren’t you, Ward?” The sly voice came from the door, and Rex groaned, dropping his head back as he holstered his pistol.

“No one asked you, ya uppish mule,” snarled Rex. The words brought a snort of entertainment from both the Sheriff and Jesse. The Military Captain’s eyes narrowed and he stalked over to Rex’s desk, his boots clacking on the creaky wooden floor, to plant his hands on the oak top. His eyes bored into the Deputy, the large scar that ran over his right eye more vibrant in the limited light.

“I know you feel awful cushy in my old place, Ward. I don’t give half a mind what you have to say. You’ll always be a prudish boy who doesn't know his place.” the Captain said, silver eyes glaring down at the Deputy.

Rex slowly turned his head to the Captain, a faint smirk on his face. “Oh, I know my place, Wolffe. It’s right above you, where I belong. And you’ll refer to me with respect, else I’ll have your badge from the outpost.” He threatened.

Wolffe scoffed. “My badge? We all know it’s Fett’s badge you want!” He sneered.

Rex’s eyes sharpened in a millisecond. “What?” 

Cody sat up straight, eyebrows knit with confusion. Wolffe laughed. “Come off it, Deputy. I know you want to be Sheriff. You want all the power-”

Before anyone could do anything, Wolffe found himself pinned against the wall, Rex’s hand tight around the collar of his gray jacket. His black boots were planted with one back and one pressed against Wolffe’s leg, keeping him secured, as if the daggers in his eyes wouldn't do that well enough. The Deputy’s face was wrought with fury. “Don’t you ever accuse me of wanting that. I’d follow Cody to the ends o’ the Earth, and he deserves every morsel of where he is. I’ve never wanted to be Sheriff, I’m content where I am, cuz I earned it. You’re making some pretty big talk for someone who failed at their job not long ago.”

Wolffe immediately tried to shove Rex’s hands away, but the man’s grip was like iron. Wolffe scoffed. “Still up on that high horse, Deputy. You’ll know your place one day.” 

Rex shoved Wolffe back against the wall before he dropped the man’s shirt from his hands and stepped back. “I told you. I know my place.” He stepped back to his desk and picked up his black Stetson, slipping it on with a huff of air. His rifle was lifted into his hand, grip tight on the stock, then he started towards the door. “It’s at our Sheriff’s side.” He reached the door and pushed it open, letting the early afternoon sun blanket him in light before he turned his head to halfway face the Captain. His golden eyes were masked under the shadow of his hat, but they still held a determined sheen to them. “It always will be.”

The moment after Rex left, Cody leaned back in his chair, his boots once again up on his desk as he smirked at Wolffe. “I woulda thought you’d have learned by now, Captain. Ward isn’t a person you mess with. And should you ever question his integrity again, I’ll personally drag you to the stocks.”

After Wolffe angrily adjusted his jacket and stormed to the back towards the records he was there to receive, Cody chuckled slightly then looked out the window to see his friend mount his horse and trot down the street to start his patrol. “I’ve got yer’ back, brother. And I know you’ve got mine.”

Later that day, as Cody was slipping on his jacket, ready to head out, he heard the sound of boots coming up the steps and he turned to see Rex walk back into the building. He crossed his arms with a smirk.

“You’ve been gone a while. Did your patrol go well?” His head tilted. “Or were you spending all that time steamin’ about Wolffe?”

Rex’s fist clenched and he shook his head with an exasperated sigh. “I could never fully express how much I hate him.” 

Cody scoffed. “You two have hated each other for years. Ever since you met the guy, you’ve hated him.”

Rex leaned against the doorjamb. “Something ‘bout him rubs me the wrong way. He’s a self-entitled jackass, Cody. I just-” His lips pursed in a frown and Cody sighed. He clipped his holster to his belt then walked to his friend’s side and slung his arm around Rex’s shoulder. 

“Brother, you can’t be letting him get to you like that. Sure, he drives us nuttier n’ a blackfly in June, but you’re the one he should be worried about. You’ve got the quickest draw in the land, and with those barking irons,” he nodded to the pistols holstered on Rex’s belt. “Folks know not to mess with you.” He knocked his head against Rex’s causing their hats to go askew. “And don’t listen to what he said. I know you’ll always be at my side. That junk about you after my badge-”

Rex shook his head. “Cody, I don’t know what the hell was in his head, but-”

“Hey, I know you’d never do that.” The grin that shone like the sun broke out on Cody’s face. His hand pressed against Rex’s chest. “This right here? This is the purest person I know. You don’t ever have to worry about me thinkin’ bad of you, cuz there’s nothing to think of. You’re my best friend, Rex. My brother. Always have been, always will be. I won’t take slander from some brown-nosed Captain who thinks he’s better’n you.” He nudged Rex with his shoulder and finally drew a smile from his Deputy. “C’mon. Let’s go for a drink.”

Rex grinned at his best friend. “Don’t gotta ask me twice.

Five minutes later they walked into the saloon where the barkeep looked up and grinned at them. “If it ain’t my two best customers. What’ll it be today, boys? Whiskey? Bourbon?” Mayday asked, and Rex chuckled as they sat down after waving at a few of the locals.

“Gimme your strongest, Mayday, I gotta get something off my mind.” 

Mayday turned around and started pouring a glass of the strongest whiskey he had, smirking as he did. “Something, or someone?” He wondered. Cody snickered at the question.

Rex rolled his eyes. “Captain Wolffe. Every time I see that bastard I want to slug him in the face. And his brother ain’t any better. He’s SO much worse. That snake drives me insane.” Rex took an immediate sip of the whiskey as soon as it was placed in front of him. Cody glanced up at Mayday.

“I’ll have my usual. Bourbon and rum.” He then glanced at Rex. “Look, I know you’ve always hated them, but why do you hate them so much-”

“You serious?” Rex turned to Cody. “Have you forgotten what happened the first time we all met?” Cody sighed and nodded in reluctant agreement. “‘Sides, he’s a jerk, he’s stuck up, he’s heartless, he don’t care about anyone. The Gray brothers are bastards.”

Cody took a slow sip of his drink when Mayday handed it to him, then leaned on the counter. “Okay, I get it. You’ve always hated them. They’re not too high up on my list of folks I like, but you gotta realize Wollfe is just doin’ his job right?” Cody then hesitated before he started chuckling. “What the hell am I defending him for, I hate him too!” He then smirked deviously with a glance at his best friend. “And I ain’t ever thrown out a telegram so fast as the one I got from the Sheriff o’ Deadwood.”

Rex barked out a laugh. “You threw out a ‘gram from Fox and you ain’t even read it? Now that’s my kind of petty!”

Mayday leaned on the counter with a grin. “I’d love to see the day them Gray brothers get what they deserve. Fox an’ Wolffe? Ain’t never been two people less suited for law. I heard even the people in Fox’s town hate ‘im. And a few of the soldiers from the Outpost have come by here, inconspicuously, and gotten drunk over how much they hate it.”

Rex tilted his head. “Wait, they come here? Why not go to Dell Rapids, it’s closer, ain’t it?” Wondered the Deputy, but Mayday grinned.

“Yeah, it’s closer, but that bartender ain’t got an ear for dirt on people like I got. You know I got all the good info on everyone. Don’t matter if you’re from our town or not, I know shit. Besides, one of ‘em once said I make a better mixed drink and apparently my brandy tastes better.” Mayday shrugged. “Extra business and talk from the outpost. I ain’t complaining!”

Cody and Rex laughed and began to exchange enjoyable conversation, set up the next poker night, and talked about how good the hunting had been this year. Hours passed, and the local patrons slowly trickled out until it was just Cody and Rex. 

Mayday glanced at the clock and chuckled. “Alright, boys, I’m gonna hafta call it, it’s nearly eleven and you two have a town to take care of. Get yer asses home.” As the two lawmakers stood up after paying the tab, Mayday nodded at them and they nodded back. 

Cody slung his arm around Rex’s shoulder as they walked out, laughing with each other. They got to the main road, and Cody nodded towards the station. “Hey, I got a few more reports I gotta finish but I’ll see you tomorrow, brother. Bright and early.”

Rex knocked his head against Cody’s and pulled him close. “Always. Don’t work yourself too hard. I’ll see you tomorrow, brother.” They let each other go and parted ways, and as Rex walked down the moonlit street, he chuckled to himself.

He couldn’t ask for a better partner than Cody.

All that they had done together, the years they’d spent growing up as brothers and protecting each other, learning to hunt and working their way up the ranks to achieve their dreams of being lawmakers.

They had done everything together. Never alone. Always by one another’s sides.

And Rex couldn’t ask for anything more than that.

The next morning, Rex rode up to the station in the barely lit street, still in the early hours, when a small whinny made him glance up to see Cody’s horse, Trapper, tied at the post, stomping its feet. Rex’s eyebrow rose. Maybe Cody had come in early? He looked up at the station, but none of the lights were on. He chuckled to himself.

Cody had never gotten home. He fell asleep at his desk again.

Rex had always chided Cody on staying late and falling asleep at the department, but the man was so dedicated to his work it was hard to keep him from it.

As Rex dismounted his horse and led him closer, he noticed Trapper seemed anxious. Rex tied his stallion up and smiled at the beautiful Chestnut belonging to Cody. He rubbed a hand over Trapper’s neck. 

“Easy, boy. Easy. I’ll get you both some fresh water.” Rex walked to the well pump and filled up a bucket before he returned to the horses and poured the water into the low trough. Trapper hesitated, his head looking around warily and lingering on the department before he slowly lowered his head and began to drink. Rex smiled and ran his hand down his horse’s neck before turning towards the station.

He quietly walked up the steps and into the station, the floor creaking under his boots as the worn wood always did. Electing to leave the light off, he shed his jacket and dropped it on his desk as he walked over to Cody’s desk. He smirked when he saw Cody’s silhouette slumped with one arm stretched across his desk, his forehead leaning on his other. Rex chuckled again. “C’mon, Cody, it’s time for work.” He said, eyebrow rising at no visible response. He reached out his hand to shake Cody’s shoulder, but it was met with a wet feeling on Cody’s shirt. Rex drew back his hand quickly as he leaned on Cody’s desk only to feel more liquid on his hands. He fumbled for the lamp on the desk, then his breath stopped when the light was flicked on.

Blood covered his hands, splattered Cody’s desk, and pooled under his arms. Rex’s throat was so tight he could barely breathe as he reached out to lift his best friend’s head. “C-Cody?” His voice sounded like a little boy, leaning closer to Cody, then he fell back when he saw the bullet hole in Cody’s forehead, the blood that covered his face from open wounds, bruises that dotted his neck and spotted his cheeks, and his eyes, half-open and void of any life.

“N…No…” Rex collapsed to the floor, struggling to find any semblance of air in his lungs. He stared at his hands and his brother’s blood that wet them.

This couldn’t be happening.

Cody couldn’t be-

He couldn’t be dead. Rex couldn’t physically process it. Tears had started down his face and he shakily stood to kneel next to his best friend, reaching out his hand to touch Cody’s fluffy locks of hair. A sob escaped his lips and he fell forward, head pressed against the edge of Cody’s desk. “You can’t be gone… Cody…” He choked out. His hand remained on Cody’s head as he cried. “Come back to me…”

He suddenly jolted, realizing he needed to get help. He jumped and ran to the telephone, quickly spinning the rotary dial and calling the sheriff’s office in the next town over. As much as he absolutely hated to call him, he needed help. He listened to it ring and ring, then finally an answer came through, an irritated grumble.

“What the hell do you want, Ward?” Fox snarled. “It’s way too early.”

Rex let out a hard breath. “FOX! I-” He then hesitated. “Wait, how’d you know it was me?”

A small beat went by before Fox sighed. “You’re the only one who’s ever at the station this early. Now what do you want?”

Rex tried to steady his breathing. “Cody is dead… someone killed him last night, Fox!”

“What do you expect me to do about it?” The cold voice asked.

Rex’s eyebrows rose at the odd response. “What do I… Fox, Cody is DEAD! I expect you to come help me!” He demanded.

A small grunt was heard on the other end of the line. “Calm yerself, I’ll be there.”

Rex heard the phone click and he stared at the receiver for a moment. Fox had not taken the news like he thought he would.

But Rex didn’t have time to worry about that right now. He stood up and squeezed his eyes shut, looking over his shoulder at Cody’s body. “What do I do without you?” He barely whispered. His mind began to swirl and he slid to the ground, barely stabilizing himself with the table. His head pounded and he squeezed his eyes shut as his body began to shake. “I can’t do this without you…”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Alright, there's the first part of the first chapter!! I really hope this absolutely destroyed some people because I love demolishing people's hearts with my writing (it seems to be one of the few things I'm good at in life) Please let me know what you thought and if you want to read more once I finish the first chapter!

[tinyinvadr]

I’m finally back with another chapter! In this installment, Recap meets the scary gamer girl!

Borrowed Family

Chapter 7

“Okay, are you sure you’re ready? Do we need to go over the plan again? It’s not too late to back out, we can think of something else.”

Dib was more nervous than I was about this whole doll clothes heist thing. I couldn’t blame him, though. From what he told me about Gaz, she did sound pretty scary. But I was ready. I was gonna go on my first borrowing mission, and I was gonna be great at it!

“I’m ready! Let’s go!”

He let out a sigh as he brought me over to Gaz’s bedroom door, then put me down on the floor.

“Okay, she’s downstairs right now, and the plushies won’t activate unless she’s here. I still wouldn’t touch any of them, just to be safe. All you gotta do is get the clothes and get out of there as fast as you can. I’ll be out here keeping watch.”

“I’ve got this, Dib! Trust me!”

With that, I ran inside the dark and spooky bedroom. There seemed to be a bit of a running theme going with the decorations. Lots of skulls, and pigs, and posters with scary-looking creatures on them.

I crept around the room, searching for the doll clothes. Soon enough, I found a plastic bin full of tiny clothing. And just like Dib said, it looked like it could fit me. Not perfectly, but good enough!

I couldn’t take all of them, so I just dug through and picked out a few favorites. Of course, I had to take the little coat that kinda looked like Dib’s, and just ONE of the goth dresses! Not really sure how well I pull the look off, but it’s cool.

I was about to leave with the clothes, but I stopped when I heard footsteps approaching. Dib glanced into the room to check on me, but then turned his attention to the person in the hallway.

“Son, what are you doing? You know your sister doesn’t like it when you snoop through her room.”

“Ah- no, I wasn’t-“

“No need to worry about it, I won’t tell her. But, there is something I wanted to show you. Come along.”

All I could do was watch as Dib’s dad dragged him down the hall. I wasn’t sure whether to stay put or head back to his room on my own. It would probably be safer to wait, but I had no idea how long it would take him to get away from his dad, and there was no telling when Gaz would show up. So, I decided to make a run for it.

My little legs can only go so fast, though, so even as I ran, It still took a while for me to get to the doorway.

Just as I was about to head for Dib’s room, I heard footsteps again, and when I turned to see who it was, my eyes were met with Gaz.

I didn’t want to wait around and find out if she saw me or not, so I darted back into the room and hid in the shadows of the nearest corner.

I held my breath when she entered the room. All humans are scary, but there was something about her that was extra intimidating.

She walked further into the room, and it was then that I realized that I sort of left a mess when I was gathering the doll clothes. And she noticed right away.

“Dib…” She scowled, looking around for him. “I know you’re in here. Get out before I force you out.”

While she was clearly angry, Gaz was also trying to remain calm. But for some reason, that was still terrifying.

“This is your last chance, Dib. Show yourself!”

I pulled my hood over my head and curled up into a ball. I didn’t think she’d be able to find me, but I didn’t wanna take my chances.

But, it turns out she didn’t need to find me.

“SECURITY!!!”

All of the creepy plushies in the room sprang to life, with robotic limbs bursting out of them. They jumped off their shelves and started to prowl around the room, searching.

Before I could fully react, a plush tail wrapped around me and pulled me out into the open. I let out a scream as I saw the head of a rattlesnake hissing above me, its sharp metal fangs ready to strike.

A shadow fell over me, and I turned my attention to Gaz, who was looking down at me in confusion.

“You’re not Dib.”

“N-No… No I’m not!”

She snapped her fingers.

“Release the kid.”

The snake let me go, and all the plushies went back on their shelves and took on their regular appearances. It was freaky how quickly they could change back and forth like that.

I started to run again, but Gaz grabbed me and lifted me off the floor.

“Hold it! I’m not done with you yet. What are you? What are you doing in my room? And why are you stealing my doll clothes?”

I wasn’t sure what to say, so I just went with what I thought would make her less likely to kill me.

“I-I’m Dib’s friend! And I was just borrowing! I’m a borrower, that’s kinda what I do!”

She stopped to think for a second, then shook her head.

“You do realize borrowing involves asking the person for permission first, right?”

“I’m sorry! D-Dib said you-“

“Ugh… I see, he put you up to this. Typical.”

She put me back down on the floor and backed up.

“You’re free to go, kid. Just don’t let this happen again. Now, where’s Dib?”

As if on cue, Dib came running into the room, looking out of breath.

“Recap, I’m here! I’m sorry, my dad was giving me a lecture and it was so BORING! C’mon, let’s go before Gaz- OH MY GOD!!!”

He looked back and forth between the two of us, clearly panicking.

“Gaz, I can explain! Please don’t hurt them, this was all my idea!”

“Yeah. Figured that much out already.” Gaz said with a scoff. “You should’ve just asked me if you needed doll clothes.”

Dib let out a defeated sigh.

“You’re right… Just, please don’t tell anyone about Recap, okay? They’re just a kid, and they need a place to stay.”

Gaz shook her head. “You really think I’m gonna tell people? I hate people, you know that. And anyway, this is none of my business. Just stay out of my room and don’t make them steal stuff from me again. Simple.”

Dib nodded, then scooped me up in his hands. He immediately pulled me close to his chest, and I could actually feel how fast his heart was beating. He was clearly even more shaken by this than I was.

“It’s okay, Dib. I’m alright.”

I turned to look back at Gaz, and her expression softened slightly. I could tell that even though she acted mean and scary, deep down she was a good person.

We returned to Dib’s room, and he set me down and took out the miniature furniture we got from the craft store. After everything was all set up, it was like I had my own little room on his desk.

“I know it’s not much, but I really hope this helps you feel more comfortable. It must be off-putting when everything’s so much bigger than you, so I imagine having stuff that’s suitable for your size is helpful.”

With that in mind, I plopped myself down on my bed. Yes… my new bed… in my new home… wow…

But everything was gonna be okay. I had a human, one of the most dangerous creatures for a borrower to face, that was willing to take care of me. This was the safest I could possibly be. And yet, it still felt wrong. This went against everything I’d ever been taught.

“Alright, after that stressful situation, we should do something more relaxed. Maybe watch a movie? Do borrowers have movies? Does anything I say make sense?”

I chuckled. “You’re good! I’ve heard of movies, but we don’t really watch them, since we don’t have TVs. But I’ll totally watch one with you! That sounds cool!”

Dib smiled and pulled up a movie on his computer, and I sat and watched the giant screen from my bed. It was about spaceships or something. I dunno, I couldn’t really follow the plot, but there were lots of explosions and it was really cool!

After the movie, it was about time for dinner, so he went downstairs to get food for us again.

He came back with a plate of spaghetti and let out a little laugh.

“It’s a good thing we got you those utensils, ‘cause this would be kinda messy to eat with your hands.”

Yep, he definitely had a point there. Having my own fork and knife allowed me to cut my noodles into little pieces. It was still messy, but at least I wasn’t getting sauce all over my arms.

By the end of the night, I was feeling a lot better. I actually managed to get a decent night’s sleep without any nightmares. Maybe being in an actual bed again helped. Or… maybe it was knowing that I had someone who truly cared for me.

[splatsys-sizeshift-shenanigans]

I meant canon, but I'd love to hear some of your aus 👀

Perhaps 2?

that was fast omfg /pos

we shall give you both >:)

everything's under the read more bc this got longer than we thought it would, oops

Canon Universe HC's

ryan got his guitar when he was about 12! it was a gift from his dad.

min came up with chicken choice judy as their band name

these two gremlins (affectionate) constantly ran off into the woods, much to the dismay of min's mom.

ryan did not have good parents :(

min's dad is present but not around enough to fill the father role (in his defense, he has to travel a lot for his job and didn't want to make his family have to move every month.)

min's mom invited ryan over for sleepovers quite often after min told her about how ryan's parents were treating his friend

oops that got angsty let me fix that; the first song they wrote was about a cool rock ryan found in the woods

ryan has adhd and separation anxiety

min is autistic and has abandonment issues

min has a collection of cool rocks and ryan has a bunch of tamagotchis that min gave him

every time ryan gets new shoes it's because of min lmao

those are just some of the hc's for the canon universe!! onto the silly au :] you chose sapphire scales!! which is one of our favorites hehehe

Sapphire Scales AU HC's (and other cool stuff)

min is a lamia! he's a blue rock rattlesnake >:D

min is able to take a more humanlike form. if he's wearing a long sleeve shirt and pants, you wouldn't be able to tell he wasn't human unless you really looked at his eyes.

he has scales on his knees and elbows in that human form!

min's parents did not know he was a lamia until he was like 6. that was certainly a time period in their lives.

ryan doesn't know yet. min doesn't know how or when to tell him.

lamias tend to be hunted for their fangs and scales, and are rumored to eat people. which is one of the reasons min hasn't told ryan yet.

despite all of that, min and ryan are still besties and make sick beats together <3

[frogblast-the-ventcore]

Home On The Strange

So, here we go.

Home on the Strange was the first successful TTRPG campaign that I ever ran - I'd tried running some games of Shadowrun in college, but that system is uh, iffy, to say the least, even if the setting is amazing.

I'd started watching an excellent YouTuber named Seth Skorkowsky, who praised Call of Cthulhu as a TTRPG system, so I got really into the idea of running a game of it.

And then I watched Cowboys and Aliens for the second time.

And thus was born the seed of Home on the Strange.

Setting:

I eventually settled on using the Pulp Cthulhu additional ruleset, to fit the tone of Cowboys and Aliens best.

I decided on a homebrew setting in Wyoming, and created Serpent Springs, Wyoming to serve as the hub location for the campaign.

I decided on a year of 1899 for the campaign, to potentially use themes of "the end of the Wild West" and the upcoming turn of the 20th century. Didn't really go there outside NPC backstories, though.

And then I mostly copy-pasted the plot of Cowboys and Aliens, replacing the generic aliens from the film with the Mi-Go.

I actually made an entire map of the town center, the information on which went little used.

In general, I overprepared for the campaign. But I blame that on my hyperfixation setting itself firmly to "learn everything about late 1890s Wild West".

But I digress. Onto the cast next!

Cast:

I'd gotten a group of five players for the campaign, and after character creation we had the following player characters:

1. Minerva "Missy" King: local prostitute/saloon girl, the cast's social expert, eventual Monsterfucker. She had the most inconsistent luck with combat rolls I've ever seen, and eventually flipped off Nyarlathotep to his face (indirectly).

2. Colby: Town doctor, innately curious, eventual magic-using Snakeman.

3. Sam Walker: sheriff's deputy, first to fail a SAN check, eventual single-handed killer of the "final boss".

4. Constance "Connie": local semi-hermit, sharpshooter, and grumpy old lady, also eventually became a Snakewoman.

5. Violet Brown: another sheriff's deputy, skilled at weaponry and charm, already a Monsterfucker prior to the game start due to her intimate relationship with Sheriff Jane, whom she eventually married post-game. Her player dropped out about 1/3rd of the way through due to not vibing with the non-combat aspects of Call of Cthulhu.

Major NPCs:

1. Sheriff Jane Rodgers: Civil War veteran, holder of highly progressive ideas for criminal investigation, excellent gunslinger, Fancy Lesbian Werewolf™, eventual wife of Violet.

2. Chief Deputy Jacob "Jake" Langford (aka Ara'ssa): Rattlesnake-inspired serpentman, former leader of a criminal gang called the Rattlers, part time bounty hunter, mammal chaser, husband of Woodrow Langford, ex-Fang of Yig (a serpentperson who is a direct servant/occasional vessel of the Great Old One Yig, in exchange for increasing one's willpower/ability with magic. Very much the Power Bottom Himbo to his husband's Catty Gay Service Top.

3. Chief Deputy Woodrow Langford: Just a Guy™, former second-in-command of the Rattlers criminal gang, part time bounty hunter alongside his husband, Catty Gay Service Top to his husband's Power Bottom Himbo. Very skilled at many things of the illegal varieties.

4. Delilah Wrangler: Current leader of the Rattlers gang, lover of Old Garrison, possessed of bright red hair after a magical incident with the Rattlers and an underground K'n'yan city. Eventual wife of Missy King.

5. Old Garrison: Giant old-man Grandpa Ghoul, born in the mid-1750s, fought in the Revolutionary War. Lover of Delilah Wrangler, owner of the Biggest Iron™, very much inspired by Goris the albino deathclaw. Eventual husband of Missy King.

6. Buzz: conscientious objector Mi-Go who eventually helped the PCs stop his people's kidnapping of innocents and razing of towns. Outfitted in the Mi-Go equivalent of MJOLNIR armor from Halo.

Note: I may have missed some.

Next post will be the first part of the recap.

[arianatheangel-girl]

Agent Elvis Bloopers, Part 4

Author’s note: Sorry if this seems like a shorter installment; I had some writer’s block for the past few weeks. Anyway, I really hope you like this!

Tagging: @loving-elvis @heartbrake-hotel @star-shard @prompted-wordsmith​

****

SCENE: The abandoned motel. Elvis and Cece are attempting to get some kind of connection to the outside world. Elvis is fiddling around with a radio which starts playing one of his songs, before Cece takes it to try and play something else.

C: Look, your music’s just not my thing, okay?

E: That’s literally not possible.

Cece turns the radio to a different station; it’s supposed to play the Doors song “Hello, I Love You” but it instead starts playing Elvis’s “Devil in Disguise”. Elvis starts to snicker since he knows this isn’t part of the script.

C: Huh? Wait, that’s not right. Did I maybe hit the wrong station?

She attempts to turn the radio to a different station three different times, but each station is playing one of Elvis’s songs; “Hound Dog”, “Heartbreak Hotel”, and “Blue Suede Shoes” respectively. By now, Elvis is in a full-on laughing fit along with several of the crew members as Cece looks hopelessly confused and unamused at the same time.

Director: CUT! Okay, who messed with the radio?

Scatter begins laughing maniacally from off-camera.

Director: Ugh, Scatter! Seriously? Quit messing around; we haven’t got all night here!

****

SCENE: The spy plane. Elvis and Bobby Ray have been “knocked out” by the enemy agents; Cece is attempting to wake them up.

C: Wakey wakey! Hey, guys? Hey, WAKE THE FUCK UP!

Bobby Ray “wakes up” right on cue, but Elvis remains fast asleep.

C: Uh, hey, buddy? I said WAKE UP!

She attempts to kick him to wake him up, as her arms are bound, but Elvis simply lets out a loud snore and curls up on the ground in the fetal position, mumbling about “gigantic donuts”, and obviously fast asleep.

BR: Um, I don’t think you’re gonna have too much luck there, ma’am. That guy can sleep through anything. Seriously, one time he slept through a fire drill at the hotel; saw it with my own eyes. 

I think he must’ve had a big lunch, because he always gets super drowsy after eating too much. I knew I shouldn’t have left him at that fried chicken buffet.

C (rolling her eyes): Ugh. Well, that’s just great. So he’s dead to the world until he comes out of this food coma?

BR: ...Yeah, pretty much.

Director: Oh, for the love of...CUT! Somebody go pour some ice water on Elvis or something!

****

SCENE: The casino. Birdie has just found out Scatter ran up an over 300,000 dollar tab, and is confronting him and his lady friend.

B: Scatter, you damn fool! How drunk are you? Uh-uh, don’t you dare pass out on me! For all of your NASA training, you sure as hell ain’t a...wait, what the hell was my line again?!

Scatter starts to laugh along with her.

Director: Ugh, CUT! It’s “you sure as hell ain’t a rocket scientist”, Birdie! People, is it too much to ask that you read the script?!

Birdie just gives him a “seriously? You did not just say that” look.

Director (looking nervous): Uh, sorry, ma’am. I didn’t mean you. No disrespect meant.

****

SCENE: The desert. Elvis is about to shoot the rattlesnake with the stun gun.

E: Fuck you, Vegas.

He aims the stun gun and shoots, but nothing happens. Confused, he tries again, looking nervous when he realizes the gun is jammed and trying to back away because it looks like the snake is about to bite him. 

Just then, the snake is revealed to be a robot as it starts swaying back and forth and “singing” in the voice of Michigan J. Frog from the cartoon “One Froggy Evening”.

Snake: 🎶 Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal! Send me a kiss by wire, baby my heart’s on fire! If you refuse me, honey you lose me, then you’ll be left alone! Oh baby, telephone, and tell me I’m your own! 🎶

Elvis just shakes his head and starts cracking up as the crew members are laughing hysterically behind the camera at the success of their prank.

E: Okay, seriously guys, what the fuck was that?! Don’t scare me like that again!

Director: Ugh. CUT!

[marine-indie-gal]

Next Up on the Reboot List, here we have is my very own OC of SMG4, Lennard "Lennie" the Python/Rattlesnake hybrid. Lennard (most commonly known as "Lennie") is a Rattlesnake/Python hybrid who serves part of the Main Cast of SMG4, and is most notabley a Best Friend to both Bob and Boopkins. He is very kind, gentle, guillble, and mostly tamed snake who was once born in the Wildlife with his own Parents (His Mother was a Rattlesnake while his Father was a Python). As a Baby Snake, he was captured by a Group of Hunters who caught the little guy when he fell into their trap but he managed to escape when he was trying to look for his parents, he insantly ran into some Camp Tent in which people from the Mushroom Kingdoom were exploring through the Jungle so he quickly slithered in and hid there until he was accidentally packed in one of the suits as the Plane traveled to the Mushroom Country where he instantly freed himself and was lost in the Woods. The Poor Snake was now an orphan but luckily, he was found by an Old Man who lived alone in his own cabin in the Woods as Lennie grew up with his own Human Owner in the Woods. Until sadly, as the years go by, Lennie's Owner passed away for the Snake had no choice but to sneak out and even find a New Home somewhere in Mushroom town. Suddenly, he randomly bumps into the Glitchy Gang in which Lennie first stumble acrosses Mario throughout the Fishing Trip but as stupid and curious to how Mario was, he immediately used Lennie as a fishing rod which freaked out SMG4 and Luigi considering that Mario was using an Actual Snake. Surpsing the Plumber Trio, he first instantly attacks Mario for trying to use a Fishing Rod but that is when he gets kicked out far away off their boat and even landed on the beach where he was found by both Bob and Boopkins. At first they were frightened by the Snake until when Lennie showed No Harm and said that he only wanted to find some new friends after his Old Owner passed away, the Duo felt sorry for the Poor Snake so they decided to take him in as a Trio as the Three played on the Beach together with a New Friend. After a long day of Fishing, the Plumber Trio were incredibly shocked to find that the snake that Mario found endlessly became a friend to both Boopkins and Bob. It was rather a not so good second encounter again towards the Plumber since the Snake felt quite hurt being used as a fishing rod but Mario had to apologize to the Poor Snake saying that he lost his own Fishing Rod which was eaten by a Shark, Lennie forgives Mario as soon the Two quickly became close friends after that. Soon throughout his adventures with the Gang, he ended up becoming part of the Main Cast. Lennard is rather helpful and cheerful as he can be, a Gentle Tame creature who's often free-spirited and out-going. He's very nice to Other Animals and rathers to prefer to eat Fruits and Vegetables since he's often more of a Herbivore rather than a Carnivore. One of his loyal companions among the Gang is Mario, Bob, Boopkins (his BFFs), and even Tari (though she used to be afraid of him at first when he met her until when he showed her his own kindness). Like Boopkins or Whimpu, he can also be quite a Simp as he seems rather timid and shy around crushes. Though he mostly wouldn't stand someone's ignorance like Swagmaster or Jeeves but needless to say that he's the kind Snake with a Pure Heart who always look after and even protects his Friends, a polar opposite of Evil Snakes.

To those who want to see the Original design, here; 

SMG4 (c) Luke and Kevin Lerdwichagul Lennard "Lennie" (c) Me