#we’re going on a weekend family trip in march and a just-us trip in May for our official 3 year

[andrewmnyard]

hMmm. maybe I’ll get engaged tomorrow. probably not. but a girl can dream.

[harleybeaumont]

Mardi Gras Mayhem : Chapter 10 - Tariq

Series: Mardi Gras Mayhem (click to read each one in order!)

Fandom: TRR

Pairings: none, this is a guy’s weekend

Summary: The TRR lads celebrate Maxwell’s 21st birthday in New Orleans during Mardi Gras. What could possibly go wrong?

Chapter Synopsis: Tariq stumbles into a whole new world and undergoes an unexpected transformation.

Word Count: 1,990

Rating: MA

Warning: language, sexual innuendo

This is part of a collaboration written for @choicesprompts March 2023 prompt.

Chapter 10 - Tariq

Although he was initially surprised to be invited to Maxwell’s 21st birthday party in New Orleans, Tariq was excited. He may not have much time for friends these days, what with secretly getting his degree in fashion designing, but he still enjoyed the company of his old friends. Although the clothing Maxwell chose left much to be desired. As much as it pained him, he reluctantly put on the bright purple mardi gras suit made of the most ghastly polyester blend he had ever encountered, and the t-shirt bearing the words ‘Thick thighs, Mardi Gras vibes’. 

Tariq was certain that he didn’t have ‘thick thighs’ but he knew better than to argue with an overenthusiastic Lord Beaumont. At least he could wear his best footwear and maintain some sort of fashionable appearance despite the clown suit. 

Tariq stayed toward the back of the group as they made their way down the colorful streets, his eyes wide as they took in the most over the top drunken bacchanalia he had ever witnessed. Suddenly he was bumped quite forcefully into a woman wearing a mesh crop top, causing his hand to graze her breast. He gasped in horror, “Oh, my.. I apologize, my lady!”

The woman steadied herself with a hand on his shoulder, “Whoa there!” Thinking he was about to be slapped, Tariq raised his arms defensively, but the woman only laughed. “If you wanted a feel, cutie, all you had to do was ask!”

Tariq felt his face turn scarlet as he stammered, “a.. a f-feel?”

The woman and her whole group of friends laughed at him as they walked away, and Tariq turned to Neville wide eyed. “Where are we?!”

Neville turned his nose up and dusted off his jacket which was equally as hideous and colorful as the rest of the groups. “I told you coming to this ghastly city was a bad idea. We could be having tea with the Earl of Descoti right now, but no!” Neville poked his finger into Tariq’s shoulder. “You had to be sentimental over our old ‘friendships’ and go along with this tasteless frivolity.”

“Right,” Tariq sighed. It hadn’t been truly difficult to convince Neville to accept Maxwell’s invitation once he heard that the princes would be in attendance. Neville never missed an opportunity to suck up to the royal family.

Tariq winced as he stepped over a mysterious puddle, not wanting to ruin his favorite Italian leather oxford shoes. “Well, we should at least attempt to enjoy ourselves while we’re here.. Make the most of it.”

Neville scoffed, “As difficult as that will be in the presence of low-born, common-.” He sneered at a couple who was sitting on the curb counting their beads. “-scum.”

Tariq had had enough of Neville. That pretentious asshole was bound to be punched in the face by someone on this trip and Tariq didn’t want to be associated with him. It was no secret that he wasn’t fond of Neville.. Hell, he didn’t know a soul who was.

Tariq jogged ahead a bit and caught up to Maxwell who was grinning like a kid in a candy store. “So are you enjoying your birthday so far?”

Max slung an arm around Tariq, “Hell ya, baby! This is gonna be the best night ever! And I’m so glad you decided to come with us!”

Tariq felt a warmth growing inside his chest. Maxwell was actually happy to have him there? He didn’t just invite him as an obligation? “I’m.. glad I came too,” Tariq smiled.

Just then a stampede of people charged through the middle of their group! Tariq jumped back, trying and failing to avoid the bare breasts which were more or less thrust into his face. “Oh dear.. Pardon me.. Oh my..” He was pushed out of the way and by the time the herd dispersed he found himself down the street without a familiar face in sight. “Oh no.. oh no no no..” He frantically scanned the area around him but through the hundreds of faces he saw, not one belonged to his friends. 

Don't panic. He took out his phone and dialed each of his friends.. No answer from Maxwell, Liam, Leo, Drake, Rashad, or Bertrand.. His finger hovered over Nevilles number, but Tariq shook his head and pocketed the phone instead. He’d rather be alone than with Neville.

He walked along for a bit, trying to find somewhere safe to sit for a while and wait. Surely after a while his party would notice he was gone and call him back. He heard loud cheering from a building ahead and smiled as he realized where he was- right across the street from The Golden Lantern! He had somehow made it to their rendezvous location! Sure, he was a few hours early, but at least he could sit and wait somewhere where he knew they’d find him.

The inside of the bar was just as colorful and festive as the streets of the parade. Tariq slipped into the only empty table across from a stage. There he settled in, preparing for a long, long wait. A waitress with a shimmering red dress and a tall updo made her way over to his table with a grin.

“What can I get you to drink, sugar?”

Tariq chuckled nervously. Everyone here was so forward and he didn’t know how to handle it. “I, uh.. I’m not sure.”

She sat down at his table and batted her long eyelashes at him. “Are you alone tonight?”

“Well.. my friends are supposed to meet me here later. So I’m just waiting for them.” 

She gave him a long, intense look that caused Tariq to blush and look away. “Sorry for staring,” the waitress chuckled deeply. “Your bone structure is just.. stunning.”

Tariq met her gaze with a shy smile. “It is?”

“Of course! Have you ever thought of performing?”

“Performing?”

She looked around and called another waitress over. “Rosy! Get over here!”

Rosy flounced over in a purple sequined dress placing her hands on her hips. “What is it, Coco?”

Tariq eyed Rosy’s silver high heeled shoes in awe. He cleared his throat, “I’m sorry, but are those this season’s Manolo crystal ankle slingback pumps?”

Rosy and Coco’s jaws dropped simultaneously, and the latter spoke. “I knew this boy had something special about him! Not only is he stunningly gorgeous, but he also knows fashion!?”

Tariq had never been more confused and flattered in his life. “Well.. I am actually working on a fashion degree and I have a certain affinity for designer shoes, so-”

“You treasure!” Rosy pulled Tariq up, clasping his cheeks in her gloved hands. “We have to get you backstage! He needs to meet Mystique!” 

As he was escorted away from the safety of his table and led through a door labeled ‘employees only’, he found himself in a sea of sparkling dresses on hangers, feather boas, high heeled shoes, wigs, and vanities well stocked with various shades of makeup. He felt like he was backstage at a fashion show. It was beautiful.

“Ladies! Get out here!” Coco called out and several half dressed women emerged into the room.

“Oh dear! I’m so sorry!” Tariq covered his eyes and spun around, mortified. He had witnessed more nudity on this trip than he had ever seen in his life!

“What do we have here?” A deep voice asked curiously and Tariq lowered his hands. When he looked at the person in front of him he saw a six foot tall woman with broad shoulders, makeup, a wig cap, and a gold dress. To the left of them, a man was changing out of a button up shirt and into a rainbow halter top.

For the first time since he arrived, Tariq noticed how tall the waitresses on either side of him were. The more he looked around, the more he realized how tall everyone in the dressing room was. 

“Oh dear,” Rosy chuckled. “I think he just now figured it out!”

Tariq looked around, feeling embarrassed by his naivety. "This is a.. a..”

“A drag show, honey!” Coco laughed.

The others chuckled and Tariq couldn’t help but join them. “Oh my.. I’m sorry I didn’t realize! You’re all just so stunning and gorgeous and-” He stopped and blushed. It wasn’t like him to give compliments and speak so freely.

“Well you are a charmer. And that accent!” A lady in a blue feather crown stepped forward. 

“Mystique, we found this little cutie at a table alone. He knows his fashion and I think he would be the perfect stand in for Honey Bee tonight.”

Mystique gently took hold of Tariqs chin and tilted his head side to side before breaking into a wide sparkling grin. “I think you’re right.”

____________________________________________________________

Before Tariq even realized what was happening, he found himself seated in front of a vanity mirror. The drag queens showered him with makeup and compliments alike, and he couldn’t bring himself to protest. He had never thought about dressing in drag before, but he didn’t hate it. In fact, once he saw himself in the mirror.. He liked it.

He looked gorgeous! His eyebrows were on fleek, his lips were plump, his cheekbones were higher than the Eiffel Tower, his jawline could cut glass! When Mystique placed the long auburn wig on his head and helped him into the floral mini dress, he felt like a new person! He had never felt confidence like he did in that very moment and he couldn't help but tear up.

Mystique grabbed a tissue and quickly blotted his eyes. “Don't cry honey! You’ll ruin your makeup!”

“Sorry,” Tariq sniffled. “I just..”

“It’s ok,” she smiled. “I understand. You’re divine! Now you need a stage name..”

________________________________________________

Tariq stood just offstage with Mystique and Lulu on either side of him, preparing to go out into the spotlight.  What was he even doing? Tonight felt like a dream, but he had never felt more alive. The upbeat, pop music started and the announcer spoke into the microphone. “This one is for all the ladies out there who just wanna have fun!”

Tariq tried to calm his breathing. He only had an hour prior to get made over, practice dancing in heels, and rehearse a short routine! He didn't want to get out there and make a fool of himself! 

The announcer spoke again, “Put your hands together for Mystique, Little Lulu, and our newcomer, Miss Manolo!”

The three of them filed onto the stage and Tariq froze. There were dozens of patrons in the bar cheering and clapping for them. Mystique leaned in and whispered in his ear, “you got this girl! Work those Manolos!”

Tariq felt a thrill go through him and suddenly he was transformed from mild mannered Lord Tariq to the audacious Miss Manolo. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun blasted over the speakers and he completely owned that stage! Working his hips, he spun, shimmied, and even did a bit of twerking. This was the most fun he had ever had in his entire life. Maxwell was right- this had been the best night ever! 

Oh no.. Maxwell and the rest of his friends! He suddenly remembered they were all supposed to meet at this location very soon. He needed to get backstage and change before they saw him!

But then again..

There was no way they’d recognize him. And the other ladies had worked so hard to get him ready for the show. And damn it all, he was having FUN for once in his life! No, he wasn’t done enjoying this. He followed Mystique and Lulu as they made their way off stage and into the crowd. Tariq was surprised to find gentlemen and ladies alike thrusting dollar bills at him. They really liked him! He continued to dance and work the crowd without a care in the world.

[qnewsau]

Stephan Elliot revisits Priscilla on film's 30th anniversary

New Post has been published on https://qnews.com.au/stephan-elliot-revisits-priscilla-queen-of-the-desert-30th-anniversary/

Stephan Elliot revisits Priscilla on film's 30th anniversary

Director Stephan Elliot and key crew members from The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert will reunite and revisit the iconic Aussie flick at a panel event this weekend.

Priscilla is celebrating her 30th birthday this year. It’s been three decades since the feelgood comedy officially premiered at the Cannes Film Festival in May 1994 and later became a crossover sensation, winning an Oscar for its costumes.

In the gay cinematic classic, drag queen Anthony (Hugo Weaving) must take his act on the road and invites fellow performers Adam (Guy Pearce) and Bernadette (Terence Stamp), who’s trans, to come along.

The three performers travel across in their silver bus named Priscilla, performing for both enthusiastic and homophobic crowds on their way to Alice Springs.

This Saturday (March 9), the Bangalow Film Festival in Byron Bay is hosting a screening of Priscilla and a 30th anniversary retrospective panel.

Director Stephan Elliot will join Owen Paterson (production design), Cassie Hanlon (make-up), Michael Gates (costumes) and Guntis Sics (sound) to talk about how they made the film.

Lismore drag queen Maude Boate will also deliver a special tribute performance.

Stephan Elliot remembers Priscilla was booed

Speaking to The Hollywood Reporter, Stephan Elliot explained ahead of Priscilla‘s Cannes premiere, he showed the film to a gay audience in San Francisco.

“That did not go well. They began to boo, they began to hiss,” he recalled.

“I’m sitting there dying, thinking, ‘Oh my god, we’re dead in the water.’ I got up on stage and they just came at me.

“They said I was ‘laughing at gay issues.’ I ‘didn’t take on HIV.’ There were ‘no male sex scenes there.’ The crowd was very, very, very, very hostile.

“I lost my temper on stage and I said, ‘You know what, people? If you want to make that film, you make that film, and you and your 10 mates can see it. This film was made for a wider audience. I’m sorry if you don’t like it.’

“Basically, ‘You can all go get f__ked,’ and I literally stormed off stage.”

‘A celebration of gay life’

Fearing the worst, a “terrified” Stephan Elliot then took Priscilla, Queen of the Desert to the Cannes Film Festival. However, the audience loved it.

“The room absolutely exploded. The audience went nuts. I knew then that I’d made the right decision,” he said.

“I really was not making a gay film full of politics, I was making a celebration of gay life.”

The film’s legendary soundtrack was also a happy accident. Stephan recalled he and Priscilla were in the right place at the right time.

“[Polygram Records] picked up the film for no money, buying half the rights from the Australian government,” he said.

“Polygram said, ‘Oh, by the way, you have to use our [music] library. That’s the deal.’

“It turned out Polygram had recently acquired the Motown catalogue, which included ABBA. Talk about a chocolate box that fell from nowhere — all those songs!”

The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert is streaming in Australia on Prime Video and 9Now.

Later in the year, the Broken Heel Festival will also celebrate Priscilla’s 30th at the annual celebration in the film’s spiritual home of Broken Hill.

Read more on Aussie queer films:

Broken Heel Festival to celebrate Priscilla’s 30th birthday

Stephan Elliot tells us about making Kylie comedy Swinging Safari

Of An Age’s Goran Stolevski’s new film is about queer chosen family

Aussie actress stars in wild lesbian road trip flick Drive Away Dolls

For the latest LGBTIQA+ Sister Girl and Brother Boy news, entertainment, community stories in Australia, visit qnews.com.au. Check out our latest magazines or find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube.

[unwrittenlibrary]

Saturday Sun I

Summary: it’s the beginning of may. mother’s day has come and gone, with your family trip coming up and things are seemingly falling apart even more. you and harry are forced to come head to head with real issues. (harry x fem!reader)

Word Count: 1.3K (second part will be the longer piece) 

Warnings: Angst. Cheating. Find all in depth warnings in the first two parts. 

Notes: hello, part three is divided into two parts, this first one focusing on some conflict & the second part to it will focus more on family dynamic & light resolution. part of this piece has harry’s pov instead of entirely the readers. 

Part One & Two (along with a companion piece) can be found in my h.s masterlist! 

-

i need to ask her

what’s going on?

are we going strong?

May - Part I

It’s the Monday before your flight.

April had come and April had gone and you were still struggling to focus on anything but your kids and issues with Harry. You suppose that’s okay, your next deadline was months away and with the trip coming up all you could focus on were those things. 

Mother’s Day had slipped your mind completely. You were busy making lists and triple checking flight info to even think of asking the kids and Harry about their plans. 

“How was your weekend? Everything went well?” Dr. Walsh’s voice forces you to look up from the new watch that adorns your wrist. 

You glance at Harry, who waits for you to answer. You shrug. “It was nice… Harry and the kids treated me yesterday.” 

The watch is a beautiful rose gold color and is a thin band compared to the band of your last watch. Your kids initials had been engraved onto the inner band. It was, by all means, a lovely and well thought out gift. Not only replacing the watch you had worn for a decade and had finally snapped, but reminding of the best parts of your life. 

“Tell me about your day!” Dr. Walsh smiles kindly. Her eyes move between you and Harry, polite and u judging, before landing on your wrist.

“I got breakfast, at the table, breakfast in bed is too hectic with three kids and a baby.” You laugh softly, thinking of the kids and their not well hidden excitement for your day. “And they all got me gifts. The twins made clay handprints in school. Seph picked out a new wallet for me and even bought it on her own!” 

It’s impossible to contain your happiness that rolls off of you when you talk about the kids. Bragging about their thoughtfulness and kind gifts makes you almost forget where you are.

“That sounds so lovely.” Dr. Walsh brings you back down. Your eyes move to Harry. His eyes are open and he’s smiling softly as you speak. But his fingers are fidgeting in his lap and you know he had hoped you would be proud of his gift too. 

And you were. But maybe that was the worst part. That it was kind hearted and well thought out and so very Harry that you almost hated it. You hated how one small gift had caused a sliver of hope to crawl into your bloodstream and make your heart race for him again. 

That it made you believe, for one brief moment, all his promises and words about never falling out of love with you and never wanting to let you go. 

“Harry got me a watch too.” You finally say, quiet and full of despair. “Mine snapped a few weeks ago… It has the kids initials in it. It was a good day.” 

Dr. Walsh nods. “It’s a lovely watch.” Her eyes move pointedly from it on your wrist to you. “So what’s wrong?” 

You fiddle with it, twisting it on your wrist and tapping the face anxiously. “It feels tainted.” You steadily avoid looking at Harry as you say the words. Dr. Walsh nods, but doesn’t say anything, silently urging you to continue. “I love it. And that… makes me feel guilty. And it makes me feel dumb because one stupid gift made me forget this bullshit for a second and I just felt that love for him again.”

There’s an intake of breath to your right, but Dr. Walsh doesn’t look at all shocked by your words. “It makes sense. You want to be angry. You have a right to be angry and when something gets in the way of that, you’re unsure of how to feel.” 

You nod. Her words make sense. You did want to be angry and after your brief elation with the gift you found you still were. 

“I am going to feel like this for the rest of my life?” You whisper. 

She shakes her head. “No. One day, this anger will be gone. But… it’s up to you whether or not you can get there with each other. If you can forgive Harry and let go of the anger. Or not. Neither is wrong.” 

You nod. Sometimes these sessions felt like she was strictly talking to you. Harry just listened. Spoke up when you asked him to, or when Dr. Walsh worked on exercises. 

A part of you found that it helped. You were able to say things you may not have ever said to Harry. But sometimes it felt like he was unsure if he should try and that made you angrier. 

-

Harry’s hopes are built up and shattered. It’s his own fault, he knows it is. Knows that this was an easily fixable marriage before he fucked up. 

You’ve talked about the cheating a little in therapy. Dr. Walsh has mentioned it, you’ve let your anger out, Harry has apologized. It’s a cycle that seems never ending. He doesn’t know what to do. All he wants so desperately is to fucking fix it. 

But...

The drive has been silent. You stare out the window at cars and buildings that pass. There are bags in the truck rustling around, a last minute stop for last minute items needed for the trip. 

You had been silent in the store too. Quietly checking off your list as Harry pushed the cart behind you. Had his gift upset you this much? You still loving him made you this angry? 

“I… I don’t know what to do.” Harry finally says, forcing his voice to cut through the silence. You startle and turn to look at him. “Tell me what to do.” He pleads. 

He knows you can hear the desperation in his voice. Whether or not you were angry at him, you knew him, you knew his tells and his emotions. 

“What do you want me to say, H?” Your voice is a whisper but still harsh. “I don’t know! I don’t know what you can do! Build a time machine. Don’t cheat on me.” 

“It feels like we’re going in circles.” Harry tries to keep his calm. He wants to keep the anxiety and hurt out of his voice. “Like, you’re angry then you see this chance and there’s hope, then there’s anger again.” 

You scoff. “I’m sorry my pain isn’t linear enough for you! I’m sorry that sometimes I see glimpses of you and I’m reminded of us ten years ago, so in love and oblivious to the outside world. Sorry that it all comes crashing down when I remember that you fucking cheated on me!” 

Harry sighs and his grip on the steering wheel tightens. “I fucked up so bad. I know. I know. God, what can I do? Anything.” 

“Why did you do it?” You ask instead of answering. There’s a coldness in your words and Harry’s aware you’re both trapped in the car for another twenty minutes. So are you, apparently. “And don’t give me the same bullshit about being selfish and not knowing why and it being a mistake.” 

Harry feels desperation claw at his throat and tears burning in the corner of his eyes. It’s like he can’t breathe, trapped in a coffin of your anger and his guilt. He tries to keep his eyes focused on the road as he talks. “I… I felt wanted. I liked the attention.” 

There’s a sharp intake of breath, but Harry keeps his face forward and eyes focused. “Tell me what happened.” 

“Y/N…” Harry trails off. “I… I can’t.”

You groan and fall forward with your head in your hands. “I need to know, H. I don’t… I just need to know because all I can think about is these what if situations and scenarios in my head. And I’ll just keep running through them until I hate you.”

Harry bites down on his lip and spares a glance at you. “What if… What if I tell you and you hate me anyways?” The question is unfair. He knows it is. But he can’t fathom a world without you in it. A world where he sees you on drop off days and has to plan separate holidays. 

“I don’t know.” You say quietly. But, it feels like answer enough. There’s no reason for you not to leave. 

And Harry guesses a promise to try was never really a promise to stay. 

-

notes: thank you for the patience! i understand this piece is short, this part has been a lil tricky and i wanted to get the first part to may out before summer courses begun. i’m hoping i’m able to continue writing through them, but i will warn readers i am enrolled in two of the three week classes that have a lot of work and move quickly. so patience will be appreciated. i hope everyone is safe & healthy and has a wonderful end of school/university/spring! and congratulations to all the grads these next two months. i’m planning on ending this series with a total of five parts (march, april, may, june, july) w/ two endings.

tags (im tagging a couple ppl who messaged me awhile ago (after the last part), if u dont wanna be tagged anymore let me know! sorry!@alwaysclassyeagle @yourgoldengirls

if u wanna be tagged just message me & let me know if u want it for just this series or for all my h writing! ❤️

[jobrookekarev]

A Little Something Extra

Chapter: 1/1

Words: 5800

Summary: Jo and Alex agree to babysit Scout for the weekend and after spending the weekend with him they wonder what it would be like to have a baby of their own.  

Fandom: Grey's Anatomy.

Relationship: Alex Karev/Jo Wilson Karev.

Characters: Alex Karev, Jo Wilson Karev, and Scout Shepherd-Lincoln, (Mentioned: Amelia Shepherd and Atticus Lincoln)

Rating: General Audiences.

Additional Tags: Domestic Fluff, Babies, Reeses the dog, Grumpy Alex, Jo being cute.

Read at AO3

Read at FFN

……………………………………………………………………

“Hey,” Jo said, bouncing up to the nurse’s station like a little ball of sunshine. Her eyes were as bright as the late March sun and he could tell that she was smiling under her mask. Jo instantly brightened his day as she put her arm around his neck, leaning in for a quick masked kiss. 

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Alex asked, smiling as Jo held up a takeout bag from their favorite Thai restaurant. 

“I brought you lunch and I thought we could eat it together,” Jo said, grabbing his hand and pulling him away.

“Okay, any particular reason why?” Alex asked, noting that Jo's eyes were just a little too bright and that she was a little too eager to whisk him away to an on-call room. She closed the door behind them and they took off their masks.

“Okay, so don't be mad, but the nurses called down and said that you were grumpy,” Jo said, frowning as Alex curled his upper lip, adopting his grumpy look as he stopped in front of her. “Also I may or may not have promised Link and Amelia that we would babysit Scout for the weekend.”

“Well, you can tell Janet that I wouldn't be so grumpy if… Wait, did you say that we were babysitting for the weekend?”

Jo just smiled at him as he set her with a glare. Alex tried his hardest to stay mad at her, but it was almost impossible, especially with that smile. He was happy to see her. They didn't get much time together with the pandemic and her fellowship. Although they had tried to make more time for each other and Reeses since they got back from their Christmas vacation in Leavenworth, the pandemic still put a strain on their relationship. Her lunch visits were the best part of his day, but he also knew that if he let her, she'd sign them up for babysitting every weekend. Leaving them little time to make a baby of their own.

“Okay, I know I should have asked first, I'm sorry,” Jo said faltering in her innocent act as her shoulders slumped. “It’s just that Link talked to me yesterday and he wants to take Amelia to a hotel up north so she can speak at this virtual Neuro conference. It’s this weekend and it was just supposed to be the two of them. They had everything lined up but Meredith got pulled on this big case. So I offered to take him, and I figured it would be good practice for us.”

“We don't need practice though,” Alex said, pulling her in and putting his arm around her waist as she held onto the collar of his scrubs. “I'm a Peds surgeon and your training to be an OB/GYN and a Maternal-Fetal surgeon, together we've taken care of thousands of babies. Besides we babysit for them all the time.”

“I know, but we’ve never had one of the kids stay with us for more than a few hours. Besides you know how much I love Scout and it's just so hard to say no to that little face,” Jo said as she tilted her head and pouted. 

“You're never going to be able to say no to our kids will you?” Alex said, leaning in to kiss her forehead.

“Oh please, like you'll be able to say no to them either,” Jo said with a smile and nudged his shoulder.

“Well I guess our kids will just be spoiled brats,” Alex said, with a smirk.

“Nah, we'll figure it out by the time they're two or so,” Jo said, staring off as if she was imagining it. 

Alex smiled as he watched Jo sigh, before leaning into him and putting her head on his shoulder. He loved imagining their future together, especially with a baby. Sometimes he would sneak up to the maternity ward and see her holding a baby she delivered. He could imagine her holding their baby and he couldn’t wait to make it happen.

“How have you been feeling?” Alex asked, pressing a kiss to her cheek. 

She had been throwing up late last night, but was feeling better that morning and didn't want to miss work. So far Meredith had said that she'd been doing fine, but had complained of a headache earlier, and he worried about her.

“Ugh, did Meredith tattle on me again,” Jo sighed and stepped out of his arms.

“Meredith didn't say anything,” Alex said, although Jo raised an eyebrow at him. “Okay, she might have said that you had a headache.”

Jo made a face and crossed her arms. “It was just a little headache. I didn't get my coffee this morning because one of the new interns ran into me and spilled it.”

“Okay,” Alex said, with a nod. He didn't want to fight with her, especially on this, he just wanted to sit down and enjoy lunch with his wife. “So what time do we pick up Scout?”

“I'll bring him home with me at the end of the day and Lincoln and Amelia will be back on Sunday sometime around dinner,” Jo said, her cheerful disposition returning with a smile.

“I guess that leaves me to walk Reeses and make dinner,” Alex said, sitting down and pulling out the food.

“Do you mind?” Jo asked, biting her lip.

“And let Scout eat your cooking?” Alex teased her as Jo swatted at his arm. “No, I don’t mind.”

“Good,” Jo smiled as she sauntered over to him and took the fork out of his hand before sitting in his lap. “Because I am very thankful for your help.”

“Oh yeah?” Alex smiled as he put his hand on Jo's hips, pulling out her blouse from where it was tucked into her jeans. 

“Yeah,” Jo said, dipping her head down to kiss him. Alex melted into her kiss as Jo moaned and tilted her head. He got lost in her lips as Jo showed him just how thankful she was. 

……………………………………………………………………

Jo struggled to reach the top of the stairs with Scout and all of his things, he was in the car seat, but there was the pack and play, a suitcase full of clothes and toys, and the diaper bag as well. For some reason, Jo thought she could get it all in one trip, but struggled to reach the top of the stairs. She stopped in front of the door and gently set the car seat down, before dropping everything else.

After a moment, Jo caught her breath and knocked on the door before she looked down at her little godson. She picked up the car seat with one arm as Scout smiled up at her, grabbing his toes and squealing in excitement. After Meredith recovered from COVID, Amelia and Link had moved out of the house and to a place up the street. Since then the Shepherd-Lincoln and Karev families had been co-quarantining together. Jo loved every minute she got with Scout and leaned down to tickle his toes. 

The door to the loft opened to reveal Alex and Reeses, who eagerly jumped around them and barked. Alex made Reeses sit and Jo leaned down to rub his head as he licked her hand.

Then she straightened up and smiled, leaning in to greet Alex with a kiss. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Alex said, putting a hand on her waist, before looking down at Scout, He tickled his toes as well and watched as the eleven-month-old smiled and babbled.

Jo took Scout, leaving everything else and walked into the loft. Reeses bounded around her feet as she made a beeline for the couch. Alex had picked up Reeses’ toys and pushed back the coffee table like they always did when they had Scout. 

“You couldn't have made two trips?” Alex asked, struggling to bring everything into the loft. 

“Well that's why I have a big strong husband, to help me bring stuff in,” Jo laughed as she looked over at him. 

Alex grunted as he put the pack and play over by their bed, like they always did, and put away the rest of Scout’s stuff. While Jo and the boys played on the rug. Jo sat on the blanket and pulled Scout out of the car seat to sit in her lap. Reeses immediately started to play with Scout wagging his tale a mile a minute. Jo grabbed Reeses’ chew toy and handed it to Scout and he waved it around as Reeses chased after it. The two of them were best friends and Jo loved watching them play. 

“Seriously why did Amelia give us all this stuff?” Alex complained as he set the pack and play up. “It's not like we don't have things for him here. We do have him almost every week.”

“I think they're just stressed about leaving him for a whole weekend,” Jo said, smiling at Scout before picking him up to see if he would stand up and hang onto the side of the couch. “But we're going to have lots of fun aren't we Scout.”

Scout smiled and babbled at Jo before Reeses caught his attention. Scout fell down to sit on the rug and reached out to grab the rope toy away from Reeses, suddenly finding it more interesting than his Auntie. Jo grabbed the box of baby toys they kept in the basket under the coffee table and pulled out a mirror and a rattle along with a couple of block toys. 

Alex finished putting away Scout’s stuff and came to sit next to her, putting his arm around her waist as they both played with Scout. They each tried to grab his attention with the toys and see if he would crawl over to whatever they were holding. Although Scout wasn’t walking yet, he would get up and hang on to the side of the furniture, and Link swore that Scout would walk any day now. Jo and Alex always had to resist the urge to test Scout's development every time they had him. They were doctors, it was what they did, but Scout was always on track for development and they were always so excited to see what he learned.

“What's the plan for dinner?” Jo asked, taking her eyes off of Scout as she leaned into Alex and laid her head on his shoulder.

“I was thinking something simple, maybe that lemon pasta dish you like, or not?” Alex said as Jo made a face at the thought of the lemon pasta and grabbed her stomach.

Jo fought off the nausea as she closed her eyes and put her arm around Alex’s neck. He moved to hug her closer and rubbed his hand up and down her back. He always held her when she was sick even if she puked, he would carry her to the toilet and braid her hair. Not even Link would do that for her. When she got sick in college, Link would just stand in the doorway and toss her a water bottle. Alex though, he would hold her forever if he could and Jo would let him. Alex’s arms were safe and comforting. 

“How about baked mac and cheese with broccoli?” Alex asked as he trailed his fingers down her spine. It was her favorite and he knew she wouldn't refuse unless she was truly sick. 

Alex looked down at Scout who smiled as he squealed, stealing the toy from Reeses who whined. When Jo didn't respond and Alex stilled at his fingers at the base of her spine. He couldn't see her face from where her head was laying on his chest, so he reached out to grab the mirror next to Scout and tilted it to see her face. Jo was fast asleep, her lips parted as she slept. He smiled and put the mirror on the couch as he leaned down to kiss her forehead. 

Alex moved ever so slightly to put an arm under her legs and moved the other one around her shoulders to pick her up. He carried her over to the bed and laid her down, pulling the blanket over her and grabbed a bowl from the kitchen to put on the nightstand. Alex looked back at Scout and Reeses who were happily chewing on the blocks and walked over to pick up the baby.

“I guess it's just us boys, so what do you say, Scout? Mac and cheese for you and me, and puppy chow for Reeses, yeah?” Scout squealed happily, his arms flailed around as Reeses yipped and jumped up on Alex’s leg. “That sounds like a yes.” 

……………………………………………………………………

The warm sunset and the cool evening spring wind blew in through the open windows as Jo woke up from her nap. She had to drag herself up as she sat up in bed. The loft seemed empty save for Reeses sleeping next to her. The whole weekend she had gone back and forth between being sick and being fine. It was Sunday evening and she had spent the morning making waffles with Alex, and playing with Scout, but had ended up in the bathroom puking that afternoon. The vomiting had taken its toll on her body, leaving her exhausted. She had fallen asleep on the floor of the bathroom by accident and Alex must have carried her to bed, again. 

As she rubbed the sleep from her eyes, she heard Alex's voice and looked over to see him reading to Scout. They both sat in the rocker they had set up in the makeshift nursery where Alex’s weights and boxing bag used to be. Jo listened for a moment as he read a medical case to Scout. She smiled as she got up and walked over to them before leaning against the pillar as she watched them. Scout was asleep in Alex’s arms, as his soft voice filled the room like the beams of sun coming in through the window. 

Alex smiled up at her as he finished reading and put the case study on the nightstand, before transferring Scout into the pack and play next to him. Alex held out his arms to her and welcomed Jo in as she sat on his lap and rested her head on his shoulders.

“How are you feeling?”

“Exhausted, even though I just took a nap.”

Alex sighed and pressed a kiss to Jo's forehead. “And how's your stomach?”

“Fine for now, but it keeps flip flopping between nausea and heartburn,” Jo huffed as she pulled at his shirt. “Did Link and Amelia call?”

“Yeah, they video chatted with Scout for a little while,” Alex said, kissing her forehead. “They had one last talk they wanted to watch, but they should be here pretty soon. They seem to have enjoyed the conference though.” 

“You're good at this,” Jo said smiling over at Scout. Since she hadn't been feeling well, Alex had taken on the majority of Scout's care. 

“I am a seasoned ped’s doctor,” Alex said with a wide smile as she turned to look up at him. “And like you said it gives us a good idea of what it’ll be like when we have a baby of our own.”

Jo smiled as Alex mirrored her and leaned down to kiss her again. After he pulled back from the kiss the nausea came back and Jo put a hand on her stomach, leaning away from him just in case. Alex put his hands around her and rubbed up and down her back. It passed as quickly as it came and Jo put her head back on his shoulder.

“Alex, could you go to the drugstore for me?”

“Yeah, of course,” Alex nodded as he brushed her hair out of her face from where it had fallen out of her braid. “Do you want me to get the pink stuff or the red stuff? I know you don't like the liquid kind, but let’s try it and see how it goes.”

Jo just bit her lip and fiddled with Alex’s sweater again before looking back up at him. “I’m not sure that’s what I need.”

……………………………………………………………………

Alex smiled under his mask as he quickly walked down the aisles of the drugstore despite how out of place he felt shopping in this section. When he reached the correct section for the pregnancy tests he paused as he looked at all of the various choices in front of him. There were so many different products, all offering different versions of the same thing, but he had no idea where to start. At the hospital, there was one test that was plain and simple, here there were hundreds. The bright white lights made everything seem so fake and Alex picked up one then set it back, questioning his decision.

He briefly considered calling Jo, she had already told him exactly which one to buy, but he didn't want to admit that he forgot. He could call Meredith, she knew more about this than he did, but he didn’t want to tell her yet. He looked around the near empty store and caught the eye of a middle-aged manager.  

She greeted Alex with soft eyes and walked over to him. “How can I help you?”

“Umm,” Alex's voice escaped him and he felt pretty dumb as he played with his ring and just looked back to the display of products. “My wife’s pregnant, well we think she’s pregnant but we don't have any tests at home so.”

The manager just nodded at him with a knowing smile. “Don't worry most husbands are clueless in this department, but it's always nice to see a man shopping for his wife. This pack of tests is quite reliable and it’s always best to have more than one.”

“Thank you,” Alex said, letting out a breath as his shoulders eased. He let the manager lead him up to the front and pay for it. Once he got back into the car his smile returned as his excitement and anticipation grew the closer he got to the loft.

-----------------------

Jo swayed back and forth with Scout in her arm as she stood by the window and watched the city light up as the lingering light from the sun fell away. She smiled and looked down at the baby in her arms. As he slept she traced her finger from his forehead down and up his little nose. This could be her life someday Jo thought as she leaned forward to kiss his head. 

She heard a car pull up and looked down to see Alex pull into the parking lot. Reeses got up from the bed and raced over to the door, barking as Jo put Scout down in the pack and play. She scooped up Reeses and went back to the window as they watched Alex run into the building and she laughed at his mad dash inside. Jo set Reeses back down as he went to wait by the door and reached for her water bottle. 

She took a sip but found it hard to keep the water down. She had filled up her water bottle before Alex left and had drank too much. It didn't help that she was still nauseated and her anxiety seemed to churn her stomach in a bad combination. Jo walked over to the bathroom, figuring she'd need to be in there anyway to take the test, and sat down against the shower. She closed her eyes and willed the water to stay in her stomach, but it was a losing game and she quickly scrambled over to the toilet, throwing up water and bile. 

Once she was done she leaned against the wall and heard Alex moving around in the loft as he greeted Reeses. She looked up from the toilet bowl, as he opened the door and set the bag on the counter. Alex grabbed a cup, filling it with water, and handed it to her. At this point, she hated to even think about putting water in her mouth, but Jo took it anyway and rinsed out her mouth, before closing the lid to the toilet and flushing it.

“Did you get it?”

“I did,” Alex said, letting a smile spread on his lips as he got the box out of the bag. 

He opened it and pulled out one of the packages, handing it to Jo. Despite how she felt, Jo smiled as well. It wasn’t the test she’d asked for, but let it slide as she read the instructions.

“Are you ready?” Alex asked her, seeing her eyes sparkled with excitement.

“Are you?” 

Alex smiled and leaned forward to kiss her, before remembering that she had just puked and turned his head to kiss her cheek. Jo laughed and put a hand on his chest, pushing him away, but Alex stood firm. He leaned against the wall before sliding down to sit on the floor as Jo raised an eyebrow at him.

“What I’ve seen you pee before and I’m not missing a second of this.”

“Weirdo.”

“Just pee on the stick, Princess.”

Jo shook her head but ripped open the packaging. She dropped her pants and underwear kicking them over to him and Alex neatly moved them so she could step back into them when she was done. She gave Alex one last look, raising her eyebrow, but he just stayed where he was. Jo sighed and sat on the toilet before she held the stick between her legs. She held the test in the stream of pee for a few seconds and then placed it on the side of the sink as Alex set a timer. 

After Jo had finished and washed her hands, she put the cap on the test and sat next to him. She leaned into his chest as Alex put an arm around her shoulders and she took a deep breath. Reeses came in through the open down and settled on Alex’s lap and they both rubbed his ears as they waited. 

“I'm ready for this, and you are too, yeah?” Alex asked looking over at her. 

“Yes,” Jo insisted, emphasizing it with a nod. 

She had always been the one that was apprehensive about having kids. She knew that he was still worried that she was ready, but as Jo looked down at the test in her hands she knew she was ready.

They both anxiously waited for the results to appear, as Jo pressed her fingers to her lips and Alex rubbed Reeses’ ears as the puppy slept on his lap. They both wanted so badly for the test to be positive and stared at it as if they could will it into being. They had been trying since December and were waiting for her to miss a period, but so far she hadn’t and was due to get it any day now.

Scout let out a heavy sigh breaking the silence as they both turned their heads to glance out the bathroom door to watch him kick as he slept. Jo knew that Alex loved babysitting all of their friends' kids, but that he longed for a baby of his own. They had watched their friends become parents and even though they were happy to be Aunt Jo and Uncle Alex. She knew that he was ready for kids of their own and she was ready too. 

“If it's positive we have to go see Carina right away. I don’t care if it’s too early,” Jo said, despite how she knew her genetic history was fine, she needed to know that their baby was okay.

“Yeah, we should get you seen and make sure everything's okay. Regardless you’ve barely kept anything down all day and you could be dehydrated,” Alex said as Jo turned to lean into him and he ran his hand up and down her back. 

“God, is this what it's gonna be like all the time?” Jo moaned into his shoulder.

“No, we can get you on something to ease the nausea,” Alex said, kissing her forehead. He hated to see her like this and couldn't imagine it going on for several more weeks. 

“If I'm pregnant, then I think I'm five weeks along, which makes sense, given the sudden arrival of symptoms.”

“Which means you got pregnant the week of Zola and Bailey's spring break when we were helping Mer with the kids.”

“Oh my God, what if our baby was conceived from that quickie we had in Meredith’s bathroom?” Jo said with a laugh, putting a hand over her mouth. 

“We could always just say they were conceived in an on-call room,” Alex said, joining in her laughter.

“Oh no, I don't know what is worse, a baby conceived in an on-call room or in a friend's bathroom?” Jo said as they both continued to laugh, jostling Reeses in Alex's lap. 

The puppy woke up and moved off of Alex's lap and went back into the loft in search of a better place to nap. Their laughter tapered off and Jo closed her eyes as she leaned back into Alex's chest. She tried to take deep breaths as her heart pounded in her chest. The ringing of Alex's phone pulled her out of her head as she looked over at him. Alex gave her a nod and she turned over the test in her hand. 

It was negative. Jo wasn't pregnant.

Her breath came out as a heartless sob, as she put her hand over her mouth. Alex pulled her back into his chest and put his head on top of hers. “It's okay Jo. It’s okay.”

She was in shock, she shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut as Alex held her against him. She couldn't believe that it was negative. It all made sense that she would have been pregnant. Why wasn't she pregnant?

There was a knock at the door and Reeses started barking as Scout started crying. It had to be Amelia and Link, but Jo didn't think she could face them without falling into tears. She looked up at Alex and he just nodded. 

“I’ll get Scout and tell them you're sick with the flu,” Alex said leaning in to place a kiss against her forehead before he got up. 

Jo watched him run out into the loft yelling to Amelia and Link that he was coming and quieting Reeses. Alex picked Scout up as he calmed down in his arms and smiled at his Uncle. It was so perfect and all Jo could think about was how he should be a Dad. Jo knew that he would be the best Dad in the world and that he would always take care of their kid.

“Alex,” Jo called out to him as he looked over at her. She wants to tell him that they'll try again, that she'll be pregnant next time, that they'll have a baby soon, but all of her words died on her tongue and she just stared at him.

He gave her a sad smile and bounced Scout in his arms for a second. “It's okay Jo. You didn’t do anything wrong, okay.”

Jo took a deep breath letting his words sink in. She nodded and gave him a smile, it was okay because they could be parents another day. Alex came over and leaned down to kiss her forehead, giving her a chance to say goodbye to Scout as well before he closed the bathroom door. 

……………………………………………………………………

Jo waited until she heard the front door shut to slip out of the bathroom. Reeses was asleep on the rug having tired himself out playing with Scout all weekend and it seemed that Alex wasn't far behind him. Jo smiled at Alex as he collapsed on the couch and walked over to stand in front of him. He reached out to take her hand and she let herself be pulled down into his lap. Jo sat sideways in his lap, with her back against the armrest as he wrapped his arms around her waist. She looked over at him as he closed his eyes and laid his head back. 

“One weekend of babysitting got you all worn out?” Jo teased as she watched his eyes flutter open for a second as he looked over at her.

“Hey, I was the one who babysat because you have the stomach flu,” Alex said as Jo reached over to tickle his hip, making him laugh and squirm under her. 

Alex captured her hands and held them above his head as he laid his head back against the couch, closing his eyes again. Jo watched him for a second and pulled her hand back from his loose grip. She reached out to put her hand on his cheek and ran her fingers over the grey hairs of his beard. 

“You're not too old to do this every day, are you?” Jo whispered in his ear wondering if Alex had already fallen asleep.

“I’m not old, I’m just greying early trying to keep up with you,” Alex said, a small smile blooming on his lips as he opened his eyes to smirk at her and moved to hold her hips. “I’m only doing it if it’s our own kid and you know maybe we could try right now. If you're up for it?”

Jo smiled and leaned in to kiss him before pulling back. Alex had that devious spark in his eye and he quickly moved his hands up her back to her bra strap. Jo laughed as he kissed down her neck, but pulled away from his lips. 

“Alex, wait,” Jo said in between giggles. Alex pulled back to look at her as she put a hand on his chest and shook her head. “We don't need to try for a baby.”

Jo let her words hang between them, hoping that he'd figure it out, but Alex just looked confused.

“What do you mean? I thought you wanted a baby?” Alex asked, his eyebrows coming together with a little worry line on his forehead and his lips slightly parted as he stared at her. Jo shook her head at his clueless look and laughed again. 

“We don't need to try for a baby because I'm pregnant!” 

“What?” Alex asked in disbelief as he looked at her with wide eyes and a slack jaw.

“I'm pregnant. It was a false negative. I took the other three and they were all positive,” Jo said, her smile so big it hurt her cheeks and she watched the excitement unfold across his face.

“We're having a baby!” Alex exclaimed as he leaned forward and peppered her face with kisses, laughing with excitement in between kisses. 

He kissed her forehead, her nose, and her cheeks. He put one arm around her waist before he looked down and pulled up her t-shirt. She wasn't showing and neither of them expected her to be, but Alex still put a hand over her lower abdomen, just under the hem of her sweatpants. 

“We're having a baby,” Alex breathed out, still in disbelief. 

Jo smiled, happy to be in this moment with her family. They laughed and kissed until Jo got the hiccups and Alex ran to grab her cup of water. When he returned with the water, Alex sat down beside her and she leaned against him. After her hiccups disappeared, Jo’s nausea came back. Despite how hard she tried, she couldn't keep the water down and threw up within a few minutes. Much to Reeses’ delight as he tried to eat the vomit water from the bowl on the floor.

“Okay, let's head to the hospital,” Alex said, wiping her chin and taking the bowl away from Reeses before he could get it and dumped it in the toilet.

Jo sighed and wrapped the blanket around her shoulders. “Fine, but if anyone asks I have the flu. I don't want anyone knowing I'm pregnant yet.”

“Okay but if Mer asks.”

“No, we are not telling Meredith,” Jo insisted, pointing a finger at him.

“She's gonna figure it out, Jo,” Alex said holding up his hands.

“Well, she can mind her own business for once. This is between you and me,” Jo said as Reeses whined at her feet. “Okay it’s between you, me, and Reeses, but I don’t want anyone else knowing I'm pregnant. They're going to start treating me like glass and gushing over me. I see it all the time on the maternity ward. It happened with Amelia and Meredith and I want to avoid it as long as possible.”

“Everyone should be gushing over you and you should be taking it easy. It's exciting and it's already taking a lot out of you,” Alex said, coming back to sit on the coffee table across from her.

He put his hands on her knees as he smiled and tilted his head. It was that adorable look that he always gave her. He cared about her so much and sometimes it surprised her because no one cared for her the way Alex did. Even if he was overprotective of her at times.

“I want to work up until my due date. I’m halfway through my OB fellowship and I want to finish it and take my boards in May.”

“Okay.”

“And I don't want you or anybody other than Carina pulling me off of surgeries, because they think I can't handle it.”

“Okay.”

“And if I have to take time off, you have to take time off too,” Jo said, setting him with a look. “We're in this together and it wouldn’t be fair if I have to be the only one at home with the baby.”

“Jo, I promise you that I'm not going to leave you with all the childcare,” Alex insisted, leaning forward and taking a hold of her hands. “You are going to carry this baby for forty weeks and after that, I promise you that I'll take care of you and the baby so that you can rest. You won't even have to change a diaper if you don't want to.”

Jo nodded and she knew that he would keep his promise. Alex was good to her like that. She reached up and put her hand on his cheek. Alex smiled as he closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. 

“You're a good man Alex Karev and you're going to be a good Dad too.”

Alex smiled and leaned up to kiss her forehead. He lingered there before Jo pulled back and stood up. He put his arm around her waist and led her into the car, grabbing her things and asking Layla across the hall to watch Reeses, before they headed to the hospital. 

“So I won't have to change a single diaper?” Jo asked looking over at him as he got in the car next to her. 

“Do you want to change diapers?” Alex said looking over at her with a smirk anticipating her answer.

“Nope,” Jo said as she shook her head, shutting up and looking out the window with a smile.

[thejosh1980]

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

We've sure had a few changes here at The Ocean Shores Resort. It's been a full on month since I last wrote... Through the good, the bad, and the ugly, we've been keeping positive, enjoying the cooler days. Damn summer is hot and long here!!!

The past few months have all been about learning to deal with life's unexpected roadblocks and detours.

There's a lot to tell, but I think the main thing is, at least for me, that I've been a student for the first time the late 1990's. I've spent the past 4 weeks in class, learning, studying, researching, getting to know my classmates and finding all of it challenging, stimulating and exciting.

Studying counseling has been surprisingly awesome for my mental health too. I mean, I have had some really challenging days, especially when it comes to some of the assessments. The first one, well I just about quit the course over it. I really was at my wit's end. An assessment, I suspect, that was created by some office nut job in a government position, who never taught a day in his life and thinks his open ambiguous questions are making it easier for us to answer. I think the whole class suffered sleepless nights that week!! Terrible, but I chipped away at it, persevered and managed to finish it a few days early. Not only that, I learnt a lot about myself and the situation at hand, as you know I'm all about the process.

I learnt that I have to work slowly and meaningfully at these assessments. I can't expect to finish it in one sitting or even in one weekend. Just starting and having a go, finding the easier parts to get done first, using different resources (I love how I can spend the day watching youtube videos and count that as research) and making sure I take time to focus on me with a little bit of self care.

Alex has been super great too, as I delve into this mysterious world of study and being a student. She listens to me talk about the counseling theory of the day, the one we just did in class and how great it is because I can already apply it to friends, family or, more importantly, myself, only to hear me talk about the next theory the next day, like it's gods gift to therapy. She proof reads all my work, debates theories, offers very good suggestions (not only is she super self aware, but she's studied psychology) and somehow, I don't know how she does it, but she knows when I need a break and encourages me to take it. Otherwise I would be at the books day and night.

I've also learnt a lot in class about myself. Part of that comes from comparing my experiences, beliefs and knowledge with my classmates. They are all really great people from a wide variety of backgrounds. But some, push my buttons ever so gently, and I love it. I love the challenge of figuring out why I react to that person that way. What is it I'm feeling and why?

I am thankful this is not an online course!

I've gotten to know some classmates fairly well, and I am surprised at how they openly offer words of appreciation and support. Like “your voice is really calming” and “your vulnerability and openness is a breath of fresh air”. I always thought my voice sounded pretty crap! (Yes I know I sing, but that still doesn't mean I like the sound of my own voice). Also, I never thought I was actually being vulnerable, I always thought that I was just sharing stuff, my stuff, in the hope we can understand each other better. I may have to stop that now....

Nahhhh, just kidding...

The course is something that is right for me, right now. I don't think my mental state would have been ready 2 to 5 years ago, let alone 10 or even 20 years ago!!

Besides the 2 afternoons being ruined by frustration, anger and hopelessness, due to the above mentioned assessment from hell, it's been a good 4 weeks into the year long course. I look forward to each day in class... I even go to the college on my off days to work in the library instead of working from home. I just get more done, even though Mijo misses my lap!

I don't know where the course will take me, I haven't even thought of what job I want to do once I'm a qualified counselor. I hope that during my time as a student, the course will guide me in the direction best suited for me. Learn my weaknesses, follow my strengths and work with both. It's all too overwhelming to think too far ahead. See, I'm learning...

Right here and now... That's all that matters....

During my first week at college, Alex changed jobs. Arriving in Australia and diving head first into real estate sales 1 hour away from home was a real high jump to begin with! The pressure of the job, not to mention the 2 hours a day traveling time, the weekend work and the small size of the business with undefined job roles made it tough! Real tough!

Alex decided to side step into an admin position in a bigger real estate company closer to home with defined job roles, massive support and a very positive outlook. She basically took up her role she had in New York. She's lovin' it! I am too. She's home each night at the same time, doesn't bring much work home with her, other than stories of her awesome day, which I love to hear. Additionally she now has her weekends free to explore and relax too.

She also found a psychiatrist who confirmed her ADHD diagnosis. Alex was originally diagnosed in her early 20's after her turbulent teenage years. She had therapy and medication back then but after a huge burn out in the US, she came back to Germany and let it all lapse. It has been a real struggle for her to cope, and at times, I'll be honest, it has put strain on our marriage. Well, 1 day after her first doc appointment and her meds had kicked in, she's become a new woman. It's been great to get to know this side of her. While things are not 100% perfect, I now have a wife who looks forward to getting up and attacking the day with gusto.

Mum's had a hard run lately too... We all know that I came back to help support her as her eye sight slowly deteriorates. I've been here to read every label, drive her to every appointment and help her work the wonderful world of her laptop, printer and Windows. Alex has been alongside us for the ride too. There's been a few recent health issues that have cropped up. I can't go into detail, but it's fair to say, I can see it was the right time to come home and be here to support Mum.

Mum is strong willed, strong minded and independent, and little of that will change while she can fight against all the odds throwin' at her. It's been a tough couple of weeks, and mum's kept focused on the bigger picture, her health, it's been inspiring.

Mijo has been through the wars.

The little deaf cat recently celebrated his 6 month birthday, but the poor fella has something seriously going on with his health which means we are delaying any big celebrations until his 1st birthday... Besides ringworm (it's not actually a worm, it's a fungal infection), a tooth that won't grow down (it grows directly forward and needs to be surgically removed), no appetite and losing weight, he's doing fine! The poor lethargic fella sleeps all day, which is kind of normal, except I can't remember the last time he had the energy to chase a toy or even run.

I haven't been taking him out much, he needs rest. We did explore the beaches, rivers and parks nearby together, I hope that in a few months I can pick up where we left off. For now he needs rest, calmness and another trip or two the vet.

Through all these ups and downs, we're all actually quite good.

My deep hole from February/March is just a blimp on the computer screen of my life. Studying has raised a few challenges but I am working my way through them, determined to kick that courses ass and learn, learn, learn... One day I hope I can help others through similar struggles as my own.

Alex's struggles with ADHD are progressing in the right direction now and her new job sure was the right call. Mum is showing the world she can take on whatever is thrown at her, and then some.

Alex and I keep going from strength to strength. I'm blessed with her support, respect and love. One classmates already calls her “the awesome wife”, and they've never met!! I guess when I talk about my wife, I reek of pride and love, as it should be.

Thanks for reading,

The Josh

[straynstay]

Seungmin - Hybrid AU!

you crossed your arms staring down at Seungmin, the annoying Shiba Inu hybrid that you had the misfortune to be around since pre-school

yes, canine and feline hybrids are considered natural enemies

but Seungmin and you took this rivalry to the next level in 1st grade after he placed some black eraser shavings on your hair and spread the rumour that you had fleas

you hated Seungmin with all your being and never forgave him for being such a coward liar

you had the worst years of your life after his prank until you were finally transferred to another school, a bigger one, before high school started

but your luck didn’t last long since Seungmin became your classmate the following year after being transferred

and you hated him even more because he wouldn’t leave you alone

even if you complained about it, you were seen as the “bad hybrid” because he was everyone’s favorite, including your teachers

so you had to put up with Seungmin again

but you were glad you’re both seniors now and in a few months you’ll get rid of him forever

“this is my seat” you had just placed your backpack on the seat and got off the bus to drink some water at school before leaving for the field trip

you didn’t expect him to be occupying your spot

“I didn’t see your name on it” you rolled your eyes at Seungmin's childish answer

“my backpack was on it, idiot”

“your backpack was on both seats”

“yeah, cause I didn’t want a mutt sitting next to me”

“take your seats, we’re leaving in a minute!” your owl hybrid teacher said and went to the back of the bus to start counting the students

“find another seat” you told the annoying boy

“you find another seat”

“I was here first”

“I don’t care”

“take your seat” your teacher said with a serious face and hooded eyes

you sighed in misery, plopping down next to Seungmin and almost crushing your backpack

“I hate you” you hissed feeling your claws coming out to strike him, but you kept your hands to yourself

“I couldn’t care less about your feelings for me” Seungmin gave you a too polite smile and put on his huge headphones

the idiot had taken your seat by the window, so you had to travel with people nudging your shoulder every time they got up to go to the bathroom or take something from the minibar in the back of the bus

you were regretting going on this field trip already, it’s not like you’re actually needing those extra points

when it comes to grades, being lonely and friendless pays off since you have no one to interrupt your studies or invite you to cool parties on the weekends

and that’s something you should thank Seungmin for

he may have ruined your social life when you were six, but at least you’re gonna have a brilliant career in the future 

-♡- ♡- ♡- ♡-

“please, behave, you’re representing our school, so don’t do stupid things, alright?” your teacher said after giving some instructions about the trip

you were gone to see a forest reserve and an animal shelter where they helped rescued wild animals into rehabilitation to their natural habitat

since you were all hybrids, you'd be divided into groups according to your family groups

luckily you didn't share your animal DNA with Seungmin, so you'd be spared from his presence during this trip, which was quite therapeutic to think of

“alright, we’ll go over the instructions again once we reach the shelter, but I cannot emphasize enough that you should all listen to the caretakers, please!” your teacher said when everyone left the bus

“just because we’ll be with our DNA family doesn’t mean that we’re equal, so don’t be too cocky, alright?” you all nodded “then let’s go”

you all began walking the trail to the shelter and you decided to stay beside your teacher just in case Seungmin tried anything with you today

you’d be unsupervised pretty much this entire field trip, so you had no idea what to expect from him and his antics

once you reached the animal shelter, the workers were there to welcome the group

there were some human caretakers, including the supervisor, who greeted you all with a lot of enthusiasm

he explained how and why he started the shelter, giving a brief summary of its history and doings

you tried paying attention, but there was one of the human caretakers that caught your attention and you couldn’t take your eyes off of them

you sniffed the air discreetly and their scent reached you

he had a feline kind of smell

yes! luck was indeed on your side today

“shall we split this great group?” the supervisor clapped his hands in excitement

“caprines and equines over here, please” one hybrid caretaker raised her hand and a couple of people gathered around her

“porcines with me” two people went there

“birds over here” more students left you behind

“canines this way” a caretaker called and almost everyone went his way

“felines?” the cute human looked around and you raised your hand shyly

“there’s only you?” they asked coming your way

“y-yeah, I guess”

“hm, I think we might need some help, there’s too many felines for you to take care of”

you thought that maybe they could be your only help

it would be really nice being around them the entire day and having their exclusive attention

“I think I can handle” you said rubbing your arm in embarrassment

“I don’t doubt that, but having help is gonna be better, trust me” they answered and told you to wait for a bit while they went to pick another student

oh, no, please don’t let Seungmin come

not long after the human was back with Eugène, a Percheron hybrid with French bloodline and you sighed in relief

-♡- ♡- ♡- ♡-

everything was flowing like a calm river

your day was going great and you found out Eugène was really nice, but maybe it was because it’s the first time you’re talking to each other

the cute caretaker complimented you many times in the way you were handling the tiger cubs and you couldn’t feel happier

you all had to stop your activities for lunch and gathered at the main entrance of the shelter

your teacher gave more instructions you clearly weren’t paying attention to, and the group walked to the restaurant at the main house

Seungmin was already there picking his food, and you decided to stall a little bit just to see where he would seat so you wouldn’t have the infortune of sharing the table with him

but destiny was never in your favor

and when all the students in front of you in line sat among the caretakers, you saw yourself with no place to sit

you even tried sitting at the table with your teacher and the supervisor, but they shooed you away

you would rather sit on the floor than having to eat in Seungmin’s presence, but that would be seen as really rude

so you took a deep breath and marched on his direction

you plopped down without saying anything, and completely ignored him while eating

you never swallowed food so fast in your life, and you were sure you’d be sick afterwards, but desperate times call for desperate measures

Seungmin had already finished before you, so he got up with his utensils and you could breath a bit better

but your happiness didn’t take long before you saw him coming over again with two pieces of cheesecake

he put one in front of you and began eating the other

you were too annoyed by now because that’s how he always acts, pretending to be nice around everyone in school when you’re the only one who knows the douche he is

and he’d be stupid to think that you’d eat the cheesecake just because he brought it to you

you finished your food and took your plate away, handing it to one of the kitchen workers behind a tiny window

“your boyfriend already took your dessert”

“my what?!” you exclaimed

“your dessert, the cheesecake” that’s not what you had asked, but you understood what she said the first time

you felt your limbs going numb, but anger soon filled your body, making you move when more students showed up behind you

you went back to the table, rage boiling inside your stomach, and you felt your claws coming out to strike that stupid face staring at you

“you told people we’re dating?! what the hell is wrong with you?!” you tried to be as quiet as possible to not call people’s attention

"they said we're a cute couple, I just thanked them" Seungmin shrugged as if was no big deal

"we're opposites, we don't mingle, we're not even friends!"

"why are you so pressed about it? they'll probably forget it by tomorrow, do you know how many school kids come here in a year?"

"but I won't forget it, Seungmin, I never forget what you do to me" you hissed showing your fangs and left the restaurant, teary-eyed.

-♡- ♡- ♡- ♡-

you knew Seungmin had offered to switch places with Eugène just to get on your nerves

but you wouldn’t let him know he was winning

so you just focused on your task of taking care of the remaining tiger cubs and moved on to the three young tigers that were on an open space so they’d get used to nature

you didn’t say a word to Seungmin, doing all the work by yourself and not letting him get closer to you

rage was still running in your blood, and you were probably releasing some pheromones unknowingly

and that incited the young tigers

they were becoming more aggressive, but you didn’t notice until you went to feed them and took some time to place the raw meat on the floor

the three of them jumped on you, making you fall on your back

the hungry animals attacked you mercilessly

they were trying to get the meat, but were biting you too in the process

you hissed with your fangs and claws out to shoo them away, but to no avail

you could feel the scratches and bites taking blood out of you

they were hurting you too much

suddenly, a strong growl filled the area, forcing the tigers to turn their attention to the sound

another growl made the young tigers hiss and flatten their ears, getting in position to attack whoever disturbed them

only when they left your body you could get up and see what was actually happening

and you were shocked to the bones

Seungmin was crouching, fists on the floor, body forward, and maintaining eye contact with the felines

his ears pointing up and and he was showing his teeth like and angry dog

you would’ve made fun of him if this was under another circumstance

but since he was saving your life and buying you time to run, that’s exactly what you did

you ran as fast as you could, screaming your lungs out looking for the feline caretaker

they found you quickly and before you could say anything, they were already running towards the sounds of fight

you couldn’t move, still shocked after what happened

when you felt your teacher’s arms around you, you passed out

-♡- ♡- ♡- ♡-

“thank you” you said when the teacher helped you sit on the bus

“everyone sit so I can count us before we leave” the teacher went to the back of the bus and Seungmin showed up to take his seat

the whole trip was cut short because of what happened, but you didn’t mind

you were alive despite the bandages covering the scratches and bites

and it was all thanks to Seungmin

“I’ll get up, hold on” you were by the window, his seat on the way here

“no, don’t get up” he took your backpack and his, placing on his lap, and sitting beside you on the corridor “I’m fine here”

there was an awkward silence between you, but as soon as the bus began moving, you let out a deep breath

you looked at Seungmin, who only had a few light scratches on his arms, and sighed

“thank you” you turned your body to face him, your eyes watering “I had no idea you’d help me like that, so thank you”

Seungmin fidgeted on his seat until he placed his face on his hands

you decided to let him be

you shouldn’t expect more of your natural enemy

he had already done too much for you 

and you had already done what you wanted to do, which was to show your gratitude

but Seungmin’s words soon took you off guard

“us hybrid dogs are over excited, we often don’t know how to express ourselves clearly and we’re not really smart sometimes” he let out a small laugh “but we are loyal and we’ll defend those we care about until we die”

“Seungmin… I didn’t know you care this much about me”

“I do, ever since we were kids” he looked at you

“then why were you a jerk back then?”

“because… well, I was a kid and you were so nice and smart and beautiful and kind and everyone was always gushing over you and I got jealous because I wanted you all to myself” Seungmin’s ears and cheeks were red in embarrassment

“you really hurt me, Seungmin” tears were ready to roll on your face, but you held them back

“I’m sorry, I really am”

“we could’ve been friends”

“I know... I ruined all the chances of a long-lasting friendship with you just because I was scared of losing you, but it was too late when I realized it” Seungmin sighed “and I had already lost you by then”

you both sat in silence again

your mind was overthinking the past hours and the past years with Seungmin

until this morning you were absolutely sure the feelings you nurtured for him were hatred in its pure form

but now

now you don’t know anymore

because no one has ever risked his life for you like Seungmin did

and it messed with your head

and now that you know what Seungmin actually feels, you think it’s unfair to keep pushing him away

so you decided to open up your heart just a little bit and give him another chance

“maybe I’m not completely lost” you started “and maybe, just maybe, we can actually try being friends” it sounded more like a question than an affirmation, but neither of you cared

Seungmin’s ears perked up, and although he tried to hide it, there was excitement written all over his face

“I would really like that”

and when you both smiled kindly at each other for the first time, you wished you had made this decision a longer time ago

[aion-rsa]

Summer Movie Preview: From Black Widow to The Suicide Squad and Beyond

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The summer movie season has returned. Finally. Once something we all just took for granted, like handshakes and indoor dining, a summertime season stuffed with pricy Hollywood blockbusters and cinematic escapism suddenly feels like a long lost friend. But, rest assured, the summer movie season is genuinely and truly here. It’s maybe a little later than normal, yet it’s still in time for Memorial Day in the States.

This is of course happy news since many of the big screen events of this year have been 12 months or more in the offing. A Quiet Place Part II was supposed to open two Marches ago, and In the Heights is opening almost an exact year to the day from its original release. They’re here now, as is an impressive assortment of new films. There are genre fans’ long lost superhero spectacles, with Black Widow and The Suicide Squad leading the pack (and Shang-Chi closing out the season unusually late in time for Labor Day weekend), and there are also horror movies like The Conjuring 3 and M. Night Shyamalan’s Old, aforementioned musicals, family adventures in Jungle Cruise, psychedelic Arthurian legends via The Green Knight, and a few legitimately original projects like Stillwater and Reminiscence. Imagine that!

So sit back, put your feet in the pool, or up by the grill pit, and toast with us the summer movie’s resurrection.

A Quiet Place Part II

May 28 (June 3 in the UK)

Fourteen months after its original release date, the first movie delayed by the pandemic is finally coming to theaters for Memorial Day weekend. And despite what some critics say (even our own), most of us would argue it’s worth the wait. As a movie about a family enduring after a global crisis that has left their lives in tatters, and marred by personal tragedy, A Quiet Place Part II hits differently in 2021 than it would have a year ago. And it’s undeniably optimistic view of humanity feels like a warm balm now.

But beyond the meta context, writer-director John Krasinski (flying solo as screenwriter this time) has engineered a series of intelligent and highly suspenseful set pieces which puts Millicent Simmonds’ Regan front and center. Also buoyed by subtle and affecting work by Emily Blunt and Cillian Murphy, here as a neighbor they knew a few years and a lifetime ago, this is one worth dipping your toe back into cinema for, especially if you liked the first movie.

Cruella

May 28

We’ll admit it, we had the same initial skepticism you’re probably feeling about a Cruella de Vil origin story set in punk rock’s 1970s London. But put your cynicism aside, Disney’s Cruella is a decadent blast and the rarest of things: a live-action Disney remake that both honors its source material and does something creative with it. Neither a soulless scene-by-scene remake of a better animated film, or a lazy Maleficent like re-imagining, Cruella more often than not rocks, thanks in large part to its lead performance by Emma Stone.

Also a producer on the picture, Stone takes on the role of Cruella de Vil like it’ll be on an awards reel and absolutely flaunts the character’s madness and devilish charm. She also finds an excellent sparring partner via Emma Thompson, young Cruella’s very own Miranda Priestly. Once these two start their verbal battle at the end of the first act, the movie is elevated into an electric period comedy (with plenty of heavy handed period music). It’s a pseudo-thriller for all ages, enjoying some very sharp elbows for a kids movie.

The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It

June 4 (May 26 in the UK)

The latest big-screen adventure for real-life ghostbusters Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga) sees the two drawn into the unusual case of the first ever U.S. murder trial where the defendant claimed he was innocent because he was possessed by a demon. This is the eighth movie in The Conjuring expanded universe—director Michael Chaves has already made a foray into this supernatural world with The Curse of La Llorona—and as with all the main Conjuring films, the hook is that it’s (very loosely) based on a true case that the Warrens were involved with.

Peter Safran and James Wan are back on board as producers, although with this being the first time Wan isn’t directing one of the main Ed and Lorraine investigations, we’re a little cautious about this return to the haunted museum.

In the Heights

June 11 (June 18 in the UK)

Lin-Manuel Miranda’s first Tony award winning musical is getting the proper big screen treatment in In the Heights. A full-fledged movie musical—as opposed to a taped series of performances, a la Disney+’s Hamilton—In the Heights is like a sweet summer drink (or Piragua) and love letter to the Latino community of New York City’s Washington Heights neighborhood.

Read more

Movies

Best Movie Musicals of the 21st Century

By David Crow

Movies

The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It and the Perils of Taking on a Real Life Murder

By Rosie Fletcher

Closer in spirit to the feel-good summertime joy of Grease than the narratively complex Hamilton, this is perfect multiplex escapism (which will also be on HBO Max if you’re so inclined). Directed by Crazy Rich Asians’ Jon M. Chu, In the Heights has a euphoric sense of movement and dance as it transfers Miranda’s hybrid blend of freestyle rap, salsa rhythm, and Caribbean musical cues to the actual city blocks the show was written about. On one of those corners lives Usnavi (Anthony Ramos), a bodega owner with big dreams. He’s about to have the summer of his life. You might too.

Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard

June 16 (June 21 in the UK)

You know Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard is a throwback when even its trailer brings back the “trailer voice.” But then the appeal of the 2017 B-action comedy, The Hitman’s Bodyguard, was its very throwback nature: a violent, raunchy R-rated buddy comedy that starred Samuel L. Jackson and Ryan Reynolds, who exchanged quips as much as bullets between some genuinely entertaining stunts.

Hopefully the sequel can also be as much lowbrow fun as it doubles down on the premise, with Reynolds’ Michael Bryce now guarding Samla Hayek’s Sonia, the wife of Jackson’s Darius. All three are on a road trip through Italy as they’re chased by Antonio Banderas in what is sure to be a series of bloody, explosive set pieces. Probably a few “motherf***ers” will be dropped too.

Luca

June 18

Pixar Studios’ hit rate is frankly incredible. With each new film seemingly comes a catchy song, an Oscar nomination, and a flood of tears from anyone with a heart—and there’s no reason to believe that its next offering will be any different. Luca is a coming-of-age tale set on the Italian Riviera about a pair of young lads who become best friends and have a terrific summer getting into adventures in the sun. The slight catch is that they’re both sea monsters.

Read more

Movies

How Luca Became the First Pixar Movie Made at Home

By Don Kaye

Movies

Pixar, Italian Style: Why Luca is Set in 1950s Italy

By Don Kaye

This is the feature directorial debut of Enrico Casarosa, who says the movie is a celebration of friendship with nods to the work of Federico Fellini and Hayao Miyazaki. The writers are Jesse Andrews and Mike Jones—Andrews is new to Pixar but has experience with coming-of-agers, having penned Me and Earl and the Dying Girl, while Jones co-wrote Soul. Jacob Tremblay and Jack Dylan Grazer voice the young boys (sea monsters)—13-year-old Luca and his older teenager friend Alberto—with Maya Rudolph as Luca’s sea monster mom. After a year of lockdown, this could be the summer movie we all need.

F9

June 25

You better start firing up the grill, because the Fast and Furious crew is finally ready to have another summer barbecue. And this time, it’s not only the folks whom Dom Toretto calls “mi familia” in attendance. The big new addition to F9 is 

John Cena as Jakob Toretto. As the long-lost little brother we didn’t know Vin Diesel’s Dom had, Jakob is revealed to be a superspy, assassin, and performance driver working for Dom’s arch-nemesis, Cypher (Charlize Theron). Everything the Family does together, Jakob does alone, as a one-man wrecking crew, and he’s coming in hot.

Fans will probably be happier, though, to see Sung Kang back as Han Seoul-Oh, the wheelman who was murdered in Fast & Furious 6, and then pretty much forgotten in The Fate of the Furious when his killer got invited to the cookout. It’s an injustice that brought veteran series director Justin Lin back to  the franchise to resurrect the dead. So it’s safe to assume he won’t be asking Cypher to bring the potato salad.

The Forever Purge

July 2 (July 16 in the UK)

We know what you’re thinking: Didn’t The Purge: Election Year end the Purge forever? That or “are they really still making these?” The answer to both questions is yes. Nevertheless, here we are with The Forever Purge, a movie which asks what happens if Purgers just, you know, committed extravagant holiday crime on the other 364 days of the year? You get what is hopefully the grand finale of this increasingly tired concept.

The Tomorrow War

July 2

Hear me out: What if it’s like The Terminator but in reverse? That had to be the pitch for this one, right? In The Tomorrow War, instead of evil cyborgs time traveling to the past to kill our future savior, soldiers from the future time travel to the past to enlist our current best warrior and take him to a world on the brink 30 years from now.

It’s a crazy premise, and the kind of high-concept popcorn that one imagines Chris Pratt excels at. Hence Pratt’s casting as Dan, one of the best soldiers of the early 21st century who’ll go into the future to stop an alien invasion. The supporting cast, which includes Oscar winner J.K. Simmons and Yvonne Strahovski, Betty Gilpin, and Sam Richardson, is also nothing to sneeze at.

Black Widow

July 9

The idea of making a Black Widow movie has been around since long before the Marvel Cinematic Universe first lifted into the sky on Tony Stark’s repulsors. The character has been onscreen for more than a decade now, and Marvel Studios has for too long danced around making a solo Widow, at least in part due to the machinations of Marvel Entertainment chairman Ike Perlmutter.

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Movies

How Black Widow Could Build The MCU’s Future

By Kayti Burt

Movies

Upcoming Marvel Movies Release Dates: MCU Phase 4 Schedule, Cast, and Story Details

By Mike Cecchini and 1 other

But the standalone Black Widow adventure is here at last, and it now serves as a sort-of coda to the story of Natasha Romanoff, since we already know her tragic fate in Avengers: Endgame. Directed by Cate Shortland (Berlin Syndrome, Lore), the movie will spell out how Natasha (Scarlett Johansson) kept herself busy between the events of Captain America: Civil War and Avengers: Infinity War, primarily with a trip home to Russia to clear some of that red from her ledger.

There, she will reunite with figures from her dark past, including fellow Red Room alumnus Yelena Belova (Florence Pugh), Russian would-be superhero Alexei Shostakov, aka the Red Guardian (David Harbour), and Melina Vostokoff (Rachel Weisz), another survivor of the Black Widow program and a maternal figure to Natasha and Yelena.

It’s a chance to say goodbye to Nat and see Johansson as the beloved Avengers one more time. But this being Marvel, we suspect that the studio has a few tricks up its sleeve and in this movie about the future of Phase 4.

Space Jam: A New Legacy

July 16

In the annals of synergistic branding, Space Jam: A New Legacy might be one for the record books. A sequel to an older millennials’ 1990s touchstones—the thoroughly mediocre Michael Jordan meets Bugs Bunny movie, Space Jam—this sequel sees LeBron James now trapped in Looney Tunes world… but wait, there’s more! Instead of only charmingly interacting with WB’s classic stable of cartoon characters, King James will also be in the larger “WB universe” where the studio will resurrect from the dead every property they own the copyright to, from MGM’s classic 1939 The Wizard of Oz to, uh, the murderous rapists in A Clockwork Orange.

… yay for easter eggs?

Old

July 23

Though he might be accused of being a little bit hit-and-miss in the past, the release of a new M. Night Shyamalan movie should always be cause for celebration. Especially one with such a deeply creepy premise. Based on the graphic novel Sandcastle by Pierre Oscar Levy and Frederik Peeters, Old sees a family on vacation discover that the beach they are on causes them to age extremely rapidly and live out their entire lives in a day.

This is surely perfect fodder for Shyamalan, who does high-concept horror like no one else. The cast is absolute quality, featuring Gael García Bernal, Hereditary’s Alex Wolff, Jo Jo Rabbit’s Thomasin McKenzie, Phantom Thread’s Vicky Krieps, Little Women’s Eliza Scanlen, and many more. The trailer is pleasingly disturbing too as children become teenagers, a young woman is suddenly full-term pregnant, and adults seem to be decaying in front of their own eyes. Harrowing in the best possible way.

Snake Eyes

July 23 (August 20 in the UK)

Snake Eyes will finally bring us the origin story of the G.I. Joe franchise’s most iconic and beloved member. Henry Golding (Crazy Rich Asians) stars in the title role, with Warrior’s Andrew Koji as his nemesis—conflicted baddie (and similar fan fave) Storm Shadow. Expect a tale heavy on martial arts badassery, especially with The Raid’s Iko Uwais on board as the pair’s ninja master. Samara Weaving will play G.I. Joe staple Scarlett after her breakout a few years ago in Ready or Not, while Úrsula Corberó has been cast as Cobra’s Baroness. Robert Schwentke (The Time Traveler’s Wife, Red) directs.

Jungle Cruise

July 30

Jungle Cruise director Jaume Collet-Serra is best known for making slightly dodgy actioners starring Liam Neeson (Unknown, Non-Stop, Run All Night) and half-decent horror movies (Orphan, The Shallows), so exactly which direction this family adventure based on a theme park ride will take remains to be seen.

Borrowing a page and premise from Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn in The African Queen (1951), Jungle Cruise stars the ever-charismatic Dwayne Johnson as a riverboat captain taking Emily Blunt’s scientist and her brother (Jack Whitehall) to visit the fabled Tree of Life in the early 20th century. Like the ride, the gang will have to watch out for wild animals along the way.

Unlike the ride, they’re competing with a German expedition team who are heading for the same goal. A solid supporting cast (Jesse Plemons, Édgar Ramírez, Paul Giamatti, Andy Nyman) and a script with rewrites by Michael Green (Logan, Blade Runner 2049) might mean Disney has another hit on its hands. Either way, a lovely boat trip with The Rock should be diverting at worst.

The Green Knight

July 30 (August 6 in the UK)

There have been several major Hollywood reimaginings of Arthurian legends in the 21st century. And every one of them has been thoroughly rotten for one reason or another. Luckily, David Lowery’s The Green Knight looks poised to break the trend with a trippy, but twistedly faithful, interpretation of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight.

Dev Patel stars as Sir Gawain, a chivalrous knight in King Arthur’s court who takes up the challenge of the mysterious Green Knight (The Witch’s Ralph Ineson under mountains of makeup): He’ll swing a blow and risk receiving a returning strike in a year’s time. Gawain attempts to cheat the devil by cutting his head clean off, yet when the Green Knight lifts his severed head from Camelot’s floors, things start to get weird. As clearly one of A24’s biggest visual fever dreams to date, this is one we’re highly anticipating.

Stillwater

July 30 (August 6 in the UK)

The Oscar winning-writer director behind Spotlight, Tom McCarthy, returns to the big screen with a fictional story that feels awfully similar to real world events. In this film, Matt Damon plays Bill, a proud father who saw his daughter Allison (Abigail Breslin) go abroad to study in France. After she’s accused of murdering her roommate by local authorities, the deeply Southern and deeply Oklahoman father must travel to a foreign land to try and prove his daughter’s innocence.

It obviously has some parallels with the Amanda Knox story but it also looks like a potentially hard hitting original drama with a talented cast. Fingers crossed.

The Suicide Squad

August 6 (July 30 in the UK)

You might have seen a Suicide Squad movie in the past, but you’ve never seen James Gunn’s The Suicide Squad. With a liberating R-rating and an old school vision from the Guardians of the Galaxy director—who likens this to 1960s war capers, such as The Dirty Dozen or Where Eagles Dare—this Suicide Squad is absolutely stacked with talented actors wallowing in DC weirdness. One of the key players in this is Polka-Dot Man, another is a walking, talking Great White Shark, voiced by Sylvester Stallone. The villain is a Godzilla-sized starfish from space!

Read more

Movies

Margot Robbie Wants Poison Ivy to Join Harley Quinn in the DCEU

By Kayti Burt

Movies

What to Expect from the Candyman Reimagining

By David Crow

So like it’s namesake, there’s probably a lot of characters who aren’t going to pull through this one. Even so, we can rest easy knowing that Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn will be as winsome than ever, and the likes of Idris Elba and John Cena will add some dynamic gravitas to the eccentric DC Extended Universe.

Free Guy

August 13

Perhaps pitched as The Truman Show for the video game age, Free Guy stars Ryan Reynolds as an easygoing, happy-go-lucky “Guy” who discovers… he’s a video game NPC living inside the equivalent of a Grand Theft Auto video game. This might explain why the bank he works at keeps getting robbed all the time. But as a virtual sprite who’s developed sentiency, he just might be able to win over enough gamers to not shoot him, and make love not war.

It’s an amusing premise, and hopefully director Shawn Levy can bring to it the same level of charm he achieved with the very first Night at the Museum movie.

Respect

August 13 (September 10 in the UK)

Before her passing in 2018, Aretha Franklin gave her blessing to Jennifer Hudson to play the Queen of Soul. Now that musical biopic is here with Hudson hitting the same high notes of the legend who sang such standards as “(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman,” “Think,” “I Say a Little Prayer,” and of course “Respect.”

The film comes with a lot of expectation and a lot of pedigree, with Forest Whitaker and Audra McDonald in the cast. Most of all though, it comes with that rich musical library, which will surely take center stage. And if movies like Bohemian Rhapsody and Rocketman have taught us anything, it’s that moviegoers love when you play the hits.

Reminiscence

August 20 (August 18 in the UK)

Lisa Joy is one of the most exciting voices on television today. One-half of the creative team behind Westworld, Joy steps into her own with her directorial debut (and as the solo writer) in Reminiscence, a science fiction film with a reliably knotty premise.

Hugh Jackman plays Nick Bannister, a man who lives in a dystopian future where the oceans have risen and the cities are crumbling. In a declining Miami, he sells a risky new technology that allows you to relive your past (and possibly change it, at least fancifully?). But when he discovers the lost love of his life (Rebecca Ferguson) is cropping up in other peoples’ memories, which seem to implicate her in a murder, well… things are bound to start getting weird. We don’t know a whole lot more, but we cannot wait to find out more.

Candyman

August 27

Announced back in 2018, this spiritual sequel to Bernard Rose’s 1992 original is one of the most exciting and anticipated movies on the calendar. Produced by Jordan Peele and directed by Nia DaCosta, the film takes place in the present day and about a decade after Chicago’s Cabrini-Green housing projects have been torn down. Watchmen’s Yahya Abdul-Mateen II plays an up-and-coming visual artist who moves to the now-gentrified area with his partner and is inspired by the legend of Candyman, an apparition with a hook for a hand, to create new work about the subject. But in doing so, he risks unleashing a dark history and a new wave of violence.

Tony Todd, the star of the original movie, will also reprise his role in a reboot that aims to inspire fear for only the right reasons.

The Beatles: Get Back

August 27

Director Peter Jackson thinks folks have a poisoned idea about the Beatles in their final days. Often portrayed as divided and antagonistic toward one another during the recordings of their last albums, particularly Let It Be (which was their penultimate studio recording and final release), Jackson insists this misconception is influenced by Michael Lindsay-Hogg’s 1970 documentary named after the album.

So, after going through the reams of footage Lindsay-Hogg shot but didn’t use, Jackson has crafted this new documentary about the album’s recording which is intended to paint a fuller (and more feel-good) portrait of the band which changed the world. Plus, the music’s going to be great… 

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings

September 3

The greatest fighter in Marvel history finally hits the big screen with Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings. Simu Liu (Kim’s Convenience) takes on the title role of a character destined for a bright future in the MCU. Marvel fans might note that the “Ten Rings” of the title is the same organization that first appeared all the way back in Iron Man, and Tony Leung will finally bring their villainous leader, The Mandarin, to life. Awkwafina of The Farewell and Crazy Rich Asians fame also stars. Directed by Destin Daniel Cretton (Short Term 12), this should deliver martial arts action unlike anything we’ve seen so far in the MCU.

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[imyourbuddie]

Christmas Comes A Knockin'

January 5th, 2019 

Dear Eddie,

I know you’ve only just left, but I already miss you. And Christopher misses you. Tonight we made your favourite for dinner and Chris accidentally set out three plates. It was rough, but he felt better after Papa Buck’s special hot chocolate. 

You know, I never thought I’d have much use of this notebook you gave me last Christmas, yet here we are. 

Anyway, missing you. Stay safe. 

Buck

January 30th, 2019

Eddie you jackass, 

I don’t know how to send you letters. They told me you’re on some sort of highly classified mission and there’s no communication. Seriously? Some secret military black ops bullshit and you didn’t tell me? If you die on me, Edmundo Diaz, I will kill you. You hear me? I will fucking kill you.

Buck

March 23rd, 2019

Hey Eddie,

Chris got his first ribbon today at the science fair. He’s so proud and we have pictures that we’re saving for when you get back. I know he’s not supposed to get cookies and hot chocolate before bed, but I figure we make an exception for a special night. Hope all’s well. 

Missing you.

Buck

April 1st, 2019

Hen and Chim can walk off a cliff, together. They’re too damn old to be playing April Fools tricks on me! I’m going to be eating glitter for days. Days!

Anway, missing you. Loving you.

Buck

April, 16th, 2019

Feliz cumpleaños, mi amo! See, I’m learning! Chris helped me make you a cake. It’s chocolate and we ate a slice on your behalf. Wherever you are, I hope you’re celebrating.

Missing you. Always missing you.

Buck

May 1st, 2019

Chris was called into the principal’s office today. The other little fuck face claims Chris tripped him on purpose with his cane. His bitch of a mother wanted a written apology and one day suspension. I can’t even right now. Why are people such assholes? Chris says he didn’t do it and I believe him. God, I hate people sometimes.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this without you.

Buck

May 13th, 2019

Chris and I went to the pier for his birthday. It’s kinda special and it felt easier being there when it’s just us. We had churros, cake, lemonade, and maybe that was a bit too much sugar, but he’s passed out now. Yay sugar crash. 

He says you owe him a birthday present but I got your back. Now you owe me for being so brilliantly considerate. I’ll be collecting when you get home. 

Loving you,

Buck 

June 28th, 2019

I heard gunshots coming from the cemetery while we were answering a call. I don’t know if it was a military funeral, but...they’d call me if something happened, right? You’re not so off the grid that I’ll be left wondering for the rest of my life? I’m you husband. They can’t not tell me, right? 

Eddie, please, I miss you so much.

Buck

July 3rd, 2019

Chris gave me a miniature fire truck for my birthday. He’s the sweetest child a man can ask for. Really. The gang got me a cake and Chim shoved my face in it. That asshole. It’s a good thing I love him. 

It’s not the same without you here, though. I hope you’re thinking of me. 

Buck

July 16th, 2019

We went to the aquarium today. They played Baby Shark on repeat and now all I can think about is baby shark do do do do do do do and it’s driving me nuts. Chris thinks it’s hilarious. I may or may not have thrown an octopus plushie at him over it. 

Anyway, we saw all sorts of crazy stuff, and Chris loved the dolphin show. We’ll have to go again when you get back. The mango slushie at the cafeteria is magnificent. 

Missing you always.

Buck

September 15th, 2019

I miss summer vacation. I know, getting child care is always a pain in the ass, but I loved hanging out with Chris. When I’m with him, it’s like being with a small piece of you, and that made things a little easier. Now that he’s back in school, it feels like you leaving all over again. 

It gets pretty lonely at night sometimes. Stay safe and come back to me. To us. 

Loving you.

Buck

November 11th, 2019

We’re thinking of you. All of us. 

Love,

Buck

November 28th, 2019

I made us Thanksgiving dinner at the station. Chris had a blast and the guys loved having him there. We’re both so stuffed right now we’ve not left the couch even though bedtime was half an hour ago. Chris wanted to say hi, he says I can write for him while he talks, so here goes.

Hi Daddy, 

Papa gave me the biggest slice of pumpkin pie tonight, and it was so huge I almost didn’t finish it. But I did. Denny and I got to ride in the fire truck and it’s so cool you get to ride it every day at work. Papa says it’s time for bed now, I love you Daddy, and I miss you. 

Christopher and Buck

December 5th, 2019

Why are Hallmark’s movies out already? I’m not ready. We don’t have enough tissues at the house. I need to buy more tomorrow because I used up the last box watching The Knight Before Christmas. 

Wherever you are, have a pumpkin spice latte for me.

Buck

December 5th, 2019

Eddie I couldn’t sleep, so I stared at the ceiling talking to myself, pretending you’re here next to me. Remember when you first kissed me? I thought I was drowning and you kissed me. I know it wasn’t a real kiss, you were trying to keep me alive, but our lips touched, and it brought me back, you know? You brought me back when I thought I was dying. When I was ready to give up.

You’re not here to kiss me now, but I’m not giving up. I’m going to wait until you get home to me, to Chris, and I’m going to kiss the shit out of you. 

Always loving you. 

Buck

December 16th, 2019

Chris had his Christmas concert at school today. The whole unit came to watch. Mama Grant had a camera so we can record it for you. She’s really good with that thing too, even ran to the front of the stage so she could get some closeups. Chris was fantastic. Voice of an angel, I swear. We all went for ice cream after, and no, Edmundo, it’s never too cold for ice cream. 

We put up the tree last weekend, and Chris came home with these cookie ornaments they made at school. There’s one for you, too, with your name on it, so come get it, big boy. 

Cap says we’re going to have our Christmas party on the 23rd so people can go home and celebrate with their families for actual Christmas. Carla offered to watch Chris, but I’m considering taking him with me. It’s a family friendly party, so maybe Denny will be there too. 

Anyway, this is getting long. Loving you,

Buck

December 23th, 2019

Gonna take Chris to the party with me. He’s pumped. Who knew being a parent could feel like this? 

I’m always so grateful that you let me into your little family. You gave me Chris, and he’s the best present a guy could ask for. For every Christmas for the rest of my life. 

Loving you.

Buck

===

Buck closes his notebook and tucks the pen into the elastic loop attached to the cover. His finger twitches, and he wants to open the book and write our every little thing going through his head right now. Every emotion. But he can’t. It’s too damn painful. And Eddie’s not here. 

“Papa?” Chris calls from the bathroom. “Can you help me?” 

Buck scrubs a hand down his face and clears his throat, willing the prickle of tears to go away. “Yeah, bud, be right there.” 

When he pops his head into the bathroom, Chris is struggling with his bowtie. Buck wanted to get him a pre-tied one, but Chris insisted on the real deal. There’s a little card that came with the tie with diagrams on how to make the bow. Buck studies it, tries and fails a couple times, but eventually he gets a semi decent looking bow that sits snug under the collar of Chris’ shirt. 

“There you go,” he says, patting down the lapels of Chris’ suit jacket. 

“Thanks, Papa.” 

Buck’s chest swells, like it does every time Chris calls him Papa. It started as Papa Buck, but somewhere between Buck moving in and his and Eddie’s wedding, he became just Papa. It was a little strange at first, but it didn’t take long before Buck forgets that Chris isn’t his biological son. He loves Chris the same way he loves Maddie and his parents, but even more so because he never knew he could be so fiercely protective of a single human being. 

Some days, Buck muses he loves Chris more than he loves Eddie, and that’s saying something.

Buck stares into the mirror, his eyes meeting Chris’, and they both smile. “Ready?” Buck asks as he straightens his tie. 

“Yeah. Let’s go.” Chris leads the way, and Buck follows him out of the bathroom, through the living room, and out the front door. December in LA is mild at best, but Buck shivers as he helps Chris into the car. He looks behind him, then around, but there’s no one there. 

“Hm.” 

“What’s wrong?” Chris asks. 

Buck looks over his shoulder once more, then shakes his head. “Nothing, little man, let’s go.”

The drive to the station is uneventful, but Buck can’t shake that weird feeling swirling in the pit of his stomach. They pull into the parking lot just as Hen, Karen, and Denny pile out of their car, and Buck’s glad he decided to bring Chris afterall. 

Bobby’s whole family is here too, along with Michael, and as the spiked eggnog got passed around more than once, that uneasy feeling dissipates into something warm and fuzzy. Buck’s a little buzzed, but only enough to take the edge off. 

Chris, Denny, and Harry are off playing somewhere. Buck finds a spot with line of sight to the children and takes a seat, cradling his overstuffed stomach. He doesn’t know why he does this, but he just can’t stop himself from overeating when it’s a holiday. It’s a good thing he’s surrounded by LA’s finest paramedics incase he keels over from too much turkey. 

The upstairs lounge is buzzing with people. Firefighters and their families, and Buck tries not to let Eddie’s absence dampen his Christmas spirit. The rest of his family is right here, and he loves and cherishes them, and having Chris here makes up for the fact that Eddie isn’t. 

And that’s enough. It has to be. 

Buck contemplates a third eggnog, but decides against it. They still need to get home after, and Buck will be damned if he puts Chris’ life in danger just because he’s feeling a little maudlin and a lot lonely. He heaves out of the chair and heads for the trays of cookies and pastries laid out on a long table. If he can’t drink his sorrows away, he’ll just eat his feelings tonight instead. 

Somewhere behind him, Chris gasps. Buck’s heart drops through the floor and he spins to find Chris making a mad dash for the stairs. He acts before he’s had time to process, and he’s running up behind Chris, who’s half way down the first flight of stairs, before he sees what Chris is running towards. 

Or who. 

Down in the engine bay is a lone figure dressed in army fatigues with the brightest hazel eyes Buck’s ever known. His heart jumps into his throat, and the hubbub of the party fades as his eyes meet Eddie’s for the first time in what feels like a lifetime. 

They stand there, frozen, staring at each other, and a million things pass in that wide chasm between them. A whole year’s worth of fear and sadness and loneliness. Of love and longing and hope. Buck gets a little lightheaded, and that’s when he realizes he’s been holding his breath. He huffs, and with that single breath, every doubt he’s had this year flows out of him.

Eddie’s lips twitch into a rueful smile, that smile splitting impossibly wide when he sees Chris coming around the corner and down the second flight of stairs. 

“Daddy!” Chris’ jubilant shout breaks the freezing spell Eddie and Buck are under, and they move in sync. 

“Christopher, mijo. I’ve missed you so so much.” Eddie’s muffled voice drifts up as he clutches Chris to his chest. 

When Buck finally, finally makes his way down the steps, he stops just short. 

He’s dreamt of this moment, played it in his head over and over and over, imagined every possible way it could play out, but everything he imagined pales in comparison. Buck’s chest aches in that bittersweet, delicious way he never knew he could feel, and bites the inside of his cheek to keep from crying. 

Don’t fucking cry. Don’t ruin the moment. Just don’t, Buck. 

Eddie looks up over Chris’ head, and his red-rimmed eyes glisten with unshed tears. And that fucking does it. Buck’s eyes burn, and his nose stuffs up even more as he heaves for breath. His vision blurs, and everything turns into a watery mosaic. Eddie reaches for him, Chris still tucked against his chest, and Buck steps into the embrace like his life depends on it. 

When Buck’s arms wrap around Eddie’s actual, solid form, every dam he put up breaks, and the first of many sobs heaves out of him. Chris turns around, wrapping his arms around Buck’s neck, and then Eddie’s lips are on his skin. Warm, dry, and a little chapped. 

They’re on the floor, and Chris is in Buck’s lap, and Eddie’s hands are cupping Buck’s cheeks and Buck can’t fucking breathe. Can’t fucking see because his eyes are leaking like broken faucets. But he doesn’t need to see to know Eddie’s here, in his arms, and his presence is answer enough to all of Buck’s unanswered letters.

“Hey, Buck,” Eddie rasps, his lips hovering on the corner of Buck’s mouth. 

Buck wants to say something, anything, but all that comes out is another sob. Eddie chuckles, then his lips press against Buck’s in a soft, chaste kiss. “Evan, Ev, I’m here. It’s okay.”

“Papa missed you,” Chris pipes up between them. 

Eddie’s eyes mist, and his arms slip around Buck’s shoulders. “I missed Papa too. Missed you both so, so much.” 

“Are you coming home, Daddy?” 

“Yeah,” Eddie says, and his bright eyes lock on Buck’s with a conviction. “I’m coming home. For good.”

[dzaneena]

2020 Recap, Onwards 2021!

New year always makes us think of how our previous year has been. It’s been a heck of a ride and I think it would be sort of a good way to remind ourselves of the hardships, lessons learned, and growth there’s been in the past year. Here’s how mine turned out. January

Oh, new year, new hope. I thought this would be the year I could make it mine. Get the things I’ve always wanted and spoil myself with every little thing I could not have when I was younger. Job is going well, financially stable and able, everything was fine. This month, I’ve purchased my first Macbook. Yes, apparently I’ve been sucked up into the apple ecosystem and now I want to experience all of it if I can. I did and I’m happy about this. It’s been a dream for someone who always had to save each meal into two so I could have it for my next meal just so I can save money.

February

Oh, the month of love! Yes, yes. I had the chance to travel to Thailand, being the temporary adopted child of a friend’s family. I was thrilled to be there and experience this one-of-a-kind experience. At this time, the virus was not that rampant with everything and there were no restrictions for travel. We thought everything was fine and would be fine. 

March

A week after arriving from our trip to Thailand, I got a text from one of my closest friends asking if I would like to spend a weekend in Vietnam with her. Well, of course I did! At this time, finances were a-ok! I could afford it. Plus, the food there was really good at a low price! We didn’t spend much on this trip. We just hung out and took photos here and there.  We arrived one day before the city announced General Community Quarantine. We were lucky to arrive at that exact day or we would have been stranded in another country for God knows how long. :( Work was feeling the effects of the pandemic already. 50% of our workmates were laid off. This was a sad, sad time. I couldn’t help but think of all our workmates who had to think of how to survive without work through this pandemic under the quarantine with little to no mobility. 

April

Work has been... work. Everyone had to cut their hours and get back to basic pay. I am thankful to still have work but this took a big hit with my finances, of course. I live alone. Recently paying off the house I’ve invested in from last year. 

This was also the month my friends practically forced me to play mobile games. Thank goodness they did! This was where all my rage/frustration was spent. 

May

Remember that house I invested in? Yeah, that went down the drain, literally lol. I’ve been having problems with leaks and puddles of water coming through the walls of the house which caused a chain of serious issues, health-wise and safety-wise. This was a hazardous house to live in. I guess it’s true what they say about things being “too good to be true”. I’ve tried to settle this with the landlord but I didn’t get not one penny back, not even my deposit. I’ve been paying this for over a year. Much, much regrets. There’s a whole lot that happened during this time. I had to move out and decided to just cut further losses and be done with it. I couldn’t sleep at night for no idea how many weeks/months because of all that money I’ve invested that just vanished. I still feel a weird kind of sadness every time it rains. It always flooded in that house whenever it rained. So you can see how much I relate to that movie “Parasite”. 

June

Lucky I have a house to still come home to. This was the previous house I lived in before purchasing that God-forsaken flooded house. I was adjusting and trying to make the best of what I could for the time being. I had a small renovation project as well. 

July

Renovation project going well and it was my joy to see how clients were happy about it. This was also the first time I was seeing my mother since January and it was only for a few hours because she had to go back to our hometown within 24 hours or else she would have to be quarantined. Traveling was such a pain during this time. We can’t even go visit our hometown to see our family.

On the bright side, I got to try out a lot of food (all home-cooked, of course). And I got to learn to cook some Korean food as well. I was well into the k-drama world for this whole time.

August

Kittens were growing up well. My cat gave birth in May but a lot of things happened then. I had 3 cats pregnant almost at the same time. Needless to say, we had to castrate our lover boy cat, Brutus. Though he had one last go before we did this and got another round of our cats getting pregnant. I can’t even. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Had the opportunity to do a product photoshoot for a local ice cream business. It was an amazing experience and it’s cool to think that people actually believe in my photography skills if I had any. LOL. 

September

My birth month. I found out that I wasn’t even worth one minute of people’s time to text me. LOL. Well, life goes on. (Insert BTS’ Life Goes On)

On the positive side, my boyfriend’s family decided to do a Korean dinner (Samgyeupsal, Kimchi Jjiggae, Tteokbokki) for my birthday. It was really sweet of them. 😭🥰 I couldn’t spend my birthday with any of my family but they spent it with me. I’m tearing up just writing this down hehehe thankful for this second family.

October

One of my closest friends was getting married. I kid you not, we were waiting for this day to happen ever since college. We travelled to the city where he was getting married with the Friendship Pause crew. (That’s a whole other story LOL) It was nice getting a nice moment down from all the crap we’ve been facing. 

I was also able to get back to my hometown for my mother’s birthday. Despite all the travel restrictions, we managed to push through. My eldest brother and I are the only ones not living in our hometown. 

November

Ahh, yes. The year is almost over but it still feels like we’re stuck in March. During the span of the year lately, I’ve been actively looking for a second job for extra income. And thankfully, because I’m such a “never give up, never surrender” kind of person, I’ve landed a few jobs project-based for this year. I’ve been a graphic designer, personal assistant, transcriptionist, food photographer, social media manager assistant, etc.  I’ve also landed my latest job from a start-up company. It’s amazing how some people can see your grit and potential. I pray we all get to do what we want to do in life so it won’t be such a chore to do. My first (online) job is the very first job that I actually enjoy and everyday, I am really excited to get work done. Hoping that this company recovers from the economic hit of the pandemic fast. 

December

Ahh, the last month for this challenging year. What could be in store for us? I think this pandemic has hit us physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, and financially. It also makes you realize things. I realized that I’m no one’s go-to friend. I’m just that extra friend right there when you need me to be. Not a particular someone you call when something’s up. That’s okay, I guess. We can’t be everybody to...well, everybody! Haha! 

I’ve been into tech lately and with all the gaming I was doing, I created a gaming page somewhere along in those past months. Streaming games was one of my stress relievers. Hopefully, if I can have a stable source of income, I’ll be able to do this full-time seeing that traveling is still out of the picture.  All in all, this was such a shitty year. There are a lot of in-betweens that happened this year and I had to just highlight some things but basically, it’s just been so hard. I know I’m probably not the only one struggling and trying to survive on a daily basis. I am thankful that I have a job (3 actually, 4 if you count our online business on hiatus) and I am still able to put food into my stomach. But sometimes, we just need a good cry and some ice cream maybe.

If you’ve read this far, thank you! Thank you for actually caring to read my thoughts and random stuff I have in mind. We may not see each other but please know that I really appreciate your effort. 

On a lighter note, I hope everyone will be happier this coming 2021. Stay safe!

[patheticwithanem]

2020 in Retrospect

Hey friend,

I know it’s late, but I HAVE TO DO THIS. I kind of promised myself I’m writing about the year that was. I’m not exactly sure why; maybe it’s to put things in perspective going in to 2021? And today’s my fourth year anniversary with my employer, so I guess it’s perfect timing? (More on that later)

So I was going through my notes (I have this habit of writing down what happens on a daily basis - be it activities, emotions, drama, name it) and one thing’s for sure. 2020 SUCKED. It did. But I’m committing to this no matter what!

First things first: lots of profanities along the way. Well actually, I was about halfway writing the letter when fucking Tumblr decided to refresh and delete what I’ve been writing for about one fucking hour now. So I have to fucking do it all over again. If this is the Lord telling me to stop being sentimental about 2020, fret not my Lord! I’m one stubborn son of a bitch, so I’m carrying on.

Here’s how the rest of the year unfolded. 2020. Let’s go.

JANUARY. Reunions?

January 1. Had a get-together with a few relatives in Malabon. It was fun! I used to be so allergic to family reunions but I guess age creeping in changes you? You value people even more now? This was also the last time we’re able to spend some time with my uncle from Singapore. He brought his family to spend the holidays here. He’s a sweetheart and a great father who’s missed.

January 9. I attended a college dormmate’s wedding. I remember contemplating whether to go or not only to realize I’m actually lucky to be even invited given the fact that I chose to be distant for them for a long while. I also told myself that not showing up is so far from what I’m trying to be. Although I wasn’t there for the whole thing, I’m glad I did come. I was able to bond with my roommates once again whom I treated like brothers ten years ago and that was nice. A not-so-close dormmate even introduced me to his boyfriend and that’s huuuuge. The bride was beautiful too, and I’m glad she’s in the best place right now after all she’s been through. She’s a strong one, that girl.

January 11. Got invited to a birthday pool party of a colleague at work. I have to say I’m actually quite surprised I was invited to this. She’s always had my back though and always kind of looked after me, so I had to go. It was fun but I didn’t get drunk AT ALL. 

January 12. AND THIS IS WHERE SHIT STARTED HAPPENING. The Taal Volcano erupted. It was awful especially for everyone living near the area because everything was covered with ash. It was also a day before my brother’s birthday and we thought the ashfall would be worse the next day so we decided to celebrate earlier. 

January 19. Went to a fiesta. Did not expect to survive that at all. It was a different kind of neighborhood, but the people were nice. 

January 25. Went to a public market with co-workers to buy clothes, eat chicken wings for dinner and then our regular fix of karaoke. Good times. 

Anything else? I was able to book a birthday trip to Yogyakarta, which I eventually canceled because of youknowwhat. Tragic.

February. Blindside!

February 7. Blindside’s a bitch. Yes, that’s what I had written on my notes. I legitimately felt blindsided. So story: I have a friend who I found out was pregnant (let’s call her Ms. Preggy, sorry) and me and her bestfriend (let’s call him Work Son because he was my work son in a lot of ways) decided to hold an intervention for her. The four of us including a friend I’m going to call The-Now-Bestie (kind of a spoiler) whom I had a misunderstanding and was not in speaking terms with will be coming to Work Son’s place. Essentially, the goal was to make Ms. Preggy open up about her pregnancy and her issues with the douchebag father; make her feel that she has us and she doesn’t need to be alone in this. I think it went well, in that regard. However, the whole thing was awkward in epic proportions. It’s as if me and The-Now-Bestie didn’t want to acknowledge each other’s existence, and when we didn’t have a choice, we were sarcastic to each other. I also really felt like an outsider among the four that time; like I wasn’t supposed to be there and wasn’t really contributing to anything. It was a really lonely feeling. I decided to distance myself to them after that.

February 13. WINNERS AT WAR PREMIERE! Words can’t even express how excited I was to see some of my heroes again on screen! Parvati with that “phoenix rising from the ashes” confessional? Damn, girl! Still a fucking legend! It was also nostalgic Yul working his godfather magic once again. I’ve always seen him as a top-tier winner and someone I looked up to for what he represented to the Asian community and the history of Survivor. It was also nice seeing Kim, Tyson, Tony, Sophie, Natalie and Sandra. But I must say I kind of missed Todd. He was my favorite winner and was a great storyteller, a great strategist and a great character with an amazing comeback story. He would’ve been perfect for a season with this caliber of players. And as much as I hate Jeff Probst for shoving him down our throats, I wanted to see Cochran play with these winners! Caramoan’s my first season (a late superfan, yes) and he’s the very reason I got so hooked with the show. I used to think it’s a game where people like me never win. So to see someone like Cochran who’s awkward in every sense of the word (and owning it) win Survivor, it is very inspiring. I like speaking in metaphors and it’s funny how much metaphorical Survivor can be to how I see life now. I see Cochran and if he can win in Survivor, I feel like I can win in life, as silly as that sounds. Cochran sucked his first season, but he then went on to play this dominant game his second try while still managing to be the adorkable underdog that he is. I love that story. Man, I get so worked up when I talk about Survivor! I wish I had that same passion with anything else.

February 19. Mom slipped and had to be rushed to the nearest ER. Good thing there were no fractures and she was fine. I guess we can thank the fats for that? LOL

February 21 ‘til 23. WEEKEND STAYCATION! I needed this! Drinking at the hotel taproom with a live band? YES! Indian for lunch and surf-and-turf buffet for dinner? YES YES YES! That lamb chops, MY LORD. Thank you.

February 29. Leap Day. I started journaling again. 

March. FUCKING COVID.

March 16. The Start of the Lockdown we all come to love now (punk, sarcasm). 

March 17. Politics is so taboo to discuss especially over dinner. But then BAM. I had a major fight with my dad (and by major, I mean MAJOR in a get-out-of-the-house-in-the-middle-of-the-pandemic kind of major). It was basically about a comment he made that’s so misogynistic (towards the Vice President) that I just knew I can’t just let go. It was sooo bad I got all pissed, and when I’m pissed, I can get scary. Maybe it’s the voice or the eyes or both, but the fight got really heated on the verge of getting physical. Which now that I think about it is stupid just because of fucking different political views. Well, I can never get behind the President and they’re huge fans of him and I’ve come to terms with that but it’s just... bleh. I’m not even gonna try to rationalize it because I can’t. It’s just.. disgusting. Oh fucking well. 

April. Wander-fucking-lust.

April 1. I started a 30-day Financial Detox which basically meant no unnecessary expenses. No online shopping, no paying for leisure. None. It was April Fools, but I was dead-set on saving! (Spoiler alert: I failed.)

April 6. Meltdown. I just really couldn’t hold it in anymore.

April 11. Dad’s birthday. After not talking for over a month (which is no easy feat in a tiny condominium unit), we acknowledged each other’s presence. By April 15, it’s like nothing happened anymore. He even gave me a home haircut (which for a beginner, is pretty good). On other news, I started watching The Politician on Netflix and t’was the day I started obsessing on Ben Platt and his music. 

April 16. A year ago, I was enjoying sidewalk pho and almost making friends at Cu Chi Tunnels and the Saigon Skydeck of the Bitexco Financial Tower in Ho Chi Minh. Damn, covid.

April 18. That crazy border-crossing from Saigon to Phnom Penh a year ago. That was fulfilling. Damn, covid.

April 19. A year ago, I was experiencing sunrise at Angkor Wat. Wander-fucking-lust UGH. 

April 30. That Town Hall shoutout from our company’s President because of reaching my quota from last month. That really felt good. As much as I hate to admit it, I like being validated from time to time. It definitely meant a lot especially coming from her who took a chance on me. I was patting my back.

MAY. Endure. Let Go. 

May 14. KING TONY WON. Very well-deserved win. A disappointment of a season if you ask me, but props to the king for dominating an all-winners season. Respect for that. Also Natalie and Michele played great games as well and they should be very proud of themselves. I feel like a proud father to these winners HAHAHA!

May 16. Was pleasantly surprised with Dead to Me. That car scene between Jen and Judy on that ninth episode from the second season? Damn. That’s one of the few moments I teared up because of a TV show. That was powerful. All that tension building up and then that sudden release? I really felt that.

May 26. Why do I always feel all this fucking rage inside of me? I try to think of any triggers but I can’t seem to find one that’s actually reasonable. It’s like the isolation getting the best of me. I initially thought quarantine’s going to be a cakewalk for an introvert like myself, but it wasn’t the case. I feel like I’m losing my shit because I was stripped off of the usual things I have access to whenever I feel uneasy and anxious and angry like this. Endure, let go, I know. But it’s so much easier said than done, right?

JUNE. Breathe.

June 12. So the plan to sell the condo and find a new place is real. We went to this great place in Valenzuela and it was a great house and all but I felt weird. Maybe I was having trouble letting go? Maybe it’s just me being averse to change yet again?

June 15. Slept 6am for that How To Get Away With Murder series finale. That speech. VIOLA. Chills all over my body. 

June 18. New phone was delivered. That was fast.

June 27. First time visiting the village we moved to. We were checking a different house this time and was already picturing us living there. Still felt weird, but maybe less.

Looking at it now, I realize almost nothing happened in this stretch of months. Pathetic.

JULY. Change (that’s not necessarily good lol)

July 3. The Anti-Terrorism Bill signed. FUCK THE CIRCUS THAT IS THE PHILIPPINE GOVERNMENT. 

July 10. Doomsday. The ABS-CBN renewal disapproved. FUCK THE CIRCUS THAT IS THE PHILIPPINE GOVERNMENT. Also, that first house we checked was bought this day. First heartbreak.

July 22. Decided to donate to one of my elementary teachers to help finance school supplies for his students in the province. That felt good. 

July 24. folklore’s goooood. This is the Taylor Swift sound that I love. (I had to write that down because that was a 2020 highlight to be honest)

AUGUST. Getting older. Again.

August 2. Donated to another cause: to help a really close friend’s mom (who’s a school principal) on financing their students’ lesson modules (they needed more paper so the donation was going to be used to buy more paper). That felt good.

August 3. Started obsessing on Dear Evan Hansen. I mean come on. HOW COME I ONLY KNEW OF THIS NOW?!?! The story, the acting, the soundtrack... it felt like I asked the Lord for a musical for me and he gave this on a silver platter. 

August 9. Lasagna, baked sushi, lechon belly, pansit, cake. Weird combination, I know, but that’s me!

August 11. Discovered the Slowly app. Changed my life since then! I’m not even exaggerating. I guess it has to do with feeling extremely lonely amid the pandemic and getting this platform where you can talk to literally anyone while still keeping your anonymity. And it strips you off of instant gratification you’re so used to because you actually have to wait for your letters to be sent and to arrive. A great exercise for patience if you ask me! And since you have to wait, you make your letters longer and more worthwhile. It’s a platform free of judgment which relies heavily on building actual mental and emotional connections. It’s a gift, truly. NOT EXAGGERATING; YES I’M THAT LONELY.

August 23. The house search continued. This time, the South!

August 24. It was my first time watching a Korean drama and I gotta say I get the hype now. Korea makes great stories and they take their time when telling these stories. The story centering about mental health was definitely what got me to try watching It’s Okay to Not Be Okay, but the show’s so much more than that. That was a great watch.

SEPTEMBER. Finally some light?

September 1. Second year anniversary. I still really miss her.

September 5. My cat’s 5th birthday! Of course we had to celebrate for her with baked macaroni and burnt cheesecake. 

September 11. Lost uncle. He gave a good fight. 

September 19. SENSE8. It’s a show that doesn’t need any explaining. It’s the BEST. I love this cast SO MUCH. I remember thinking if I ever get a tattoo (which is unlikely), I’ll maybe have the title of that Sense8 series finale inked on me. AMOR VINCIT OMNIA. Love conquers all. 

September 27. After a series of unfortunate events, we were led to this house on the same village we keep going back to, and the moment we saw it, we were sold. This is going to be our house. And it happened.

OCTOBER. Surprises?

October 6. Hooked up with someone I probably shouldn’t.

October 12. Booked a trip for next year because I’M HOPEFUL AS FUCK.

October 21. Had the best conversation I had in a long time. 

October 22. Hooked up with someone I probably shouldn’t. 

October 28. Organized a digital event for work. I’m still on the fence whether I’m proud of it or not. It was my first event, and I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. While I enjoyed all the preparation that came with it, from making that tactical marketing plan to coordinating with the organizers and my team, I felt like it was bland. There were lapses here and there and I know that we all tried the best we could, but maybe I just pictured it a little better in my mind? It wasn’t a flawless event and maybe I wanted it to be flawless. But it was fun. I never would’ve imagined me hosting an event, but I did. 

NOVEMBER. Decisions.

November 14. So news came and we’re finally moving. The buyer of the condo got approved and it was only a matter of weeks to settle documents and payment and we’re good to go. I had mixed feelings about it. It took me back to that time we started looking for houses. I wasn’t exactly ready to let go of the place I grew with for the past five years. And I wasn’t also ready to let go of the convenience, and the relationships I only have started building with friends I found along the way. But at that moment I knew I had to be happy because they were happy. My family was happy. I knew I have to be happy.

November 21. Started all the packing. Packing meant decluttering and reminiscing, so letting go of more things which was overwhelming at first, but inevitable. 

November 23. I had something checked in the hospital, and something happened and it wasn’t supposed to go that way but it did and it was so fucking bizarre lol

November 28. HAPPY MOVING DAY. It’s that day of the year. Stress was off the charts because of the time constraint and frankly, the lack of preparedness. Good thing a few people helped us with the rest of the packing. It was an impossible task for me and my sister alone so we were glad we got all the help we needed. I did most of the heavy lifting, so I had bruises all over my body for weeks, but after all was said and done, it felt surreal. Felt like everything coming full circle. That first night in the new home? I’ll never forget that. That was special.

December. The end of an era.

December 2. I went back to the condo to stay for a few more days. Get to feel the place one last time. Also lost a huge deal at work to a competitor. I usually really get depressed with these losses, but for some reason I felt indifferent about it. I guess it was my mind telling me I’ve mentally checked out of work already? That maybe it is really time to move on to something that’ll make me care about what I do again? Make me feel again?

December 4. Met someone (who we can call the Professor) I’ve been talking to for a while now. We’ve had some really great conversations leading to this night; talks at 3AM that’s kind of liberating? I was upfront about the moving and that I only have a few days left in the place which is probably why it happened. Professor was also upfront about leaving the country in a few months for an opportunity to work and do research in Japan for five fucking years. It was awkward at first; but we eventually warmed up to each other and spent the night together. 

December 5. Things escalated pretty quickly. The Professor gave me a shower (that was weird but I was feeling it and I thought it was sweet and sexy?). We cuddled until we slept and there was breakfast prepared when I woke up. I don’t usually get to experience this kind of stuff so I really appreciated that. I was feeling it. I thought I can get used to this! I left the place and was invited back again so I stayed over for another night. We’ve had a few more interesting conversations. I was not expecting some of the things we discussed especially the talk about long-distance relationships. The Professor asked me what I think about it and I was honest; I’m not against it but it’s not something I’ll take a chance on if I wasn’t sure about it. Mantra’s always been connection first before commitment. I’m not the “take a leap of faith” kind-of guy; I needed to be sure. Or at the very least be really mentally and emotionally connected with the person. I thought that made perfect sense. I still do.

December 6. So it was finally goodbye. Me and my sister went to the nearest church to donate a few clothes and shoes and to attend a mass. Bid farewell to the Professor too and promised each other to keep in touch. I also had an awkward encounter with my sister’s “friend” who she sneaked in the condo for God knows what for. Pretty sure they did the nasty.

December 13. We went to our old house (the one I spent my younger years in) to get a few stuff for the new house. I only really wanted to get my old bicycle because I want to be biking regularly for the next year. I want to take that fitness journey seriously! So I got the bike and I got to spend some time with some childhood friends. Good stuff.

December 15. A teammate resigned at work. The funny thing is he did it after getting that 13th month bonus HAHAHA! I can’t blame him though after learning about the salary he gets when he’s performing three functions in the team. That’s insane. But it really made me wonder: am I still in this for the long haul? Or do I move on too?

December 17. So I had my work desk and wardrobe delivered. Felt so nice buying things for my room! 

December 19. We got a new dog! Another French Bulldog. He’s pretty sweet. Someone’s not happy! (MY MOM)

December 22. And then this happened. We were supposed to meet after my dentist appointment (which I only used as an excuse to meet and I thought that was obvious) but the Professor never showed up. I waited for FIVE FREAKIN HOURS. I had like clothes with me because we agreed I sleepover but FUCK. Good thing a friend kept me company, but that was horrible. I thought YOU NEVER DO THAT TO ANYONE. I deserve better.

December 24. We had our house blessed. It was all super spontaneous; we invited a few friends and relatives over and had an intimate gathering. Mom got emotional (AGAIN).

December 27. So Ms. Preggy (from February - oooh that rhymed) had her son baptized. Since she lives a little father from the city, we decided to have a little staycation with some friends there too. The-Now-Bestie and Work Son was there, and we had beer and homecooked food and a slew of great conversations to cap off the year. 

Also December 27. I knew I needed to get something off my chest. And I just had to say it. 

“You’re so unfair. You shouldn’t have done that. Gave me false hopes. Gave me a “3-day trial period” only to disappear without any warning. Made promises you never intended to keep. You could’ve just told me you’re not interested anymore and I would’ve been fine with that but instead, you ghosted me. For the past few weeks since that weekend, it never seemed like you wanted to get to know me better. Or even just keep the communication going. It’s been one-sided and I wonder: has it always been this way? Maybe I’m remembering things differently. I told you I like you and I meant that. I’m still wrapping around my head why and how it happened to be honest. Maybe it’s that weekend? Maybe it’s the conversations leading up to when we first met? I don’t know. But things changed after that and I should ask you for an explanation but it’s really not the point. The point is I thought we can work something out and you hurt me. You may feel like you’re running out of time because of Japan but it’s no excuse to do that to anyone, really. You seem so sure about what you want so I hope you get whatever that is. Merry Christmas. Thanks for the memories.”

That was intense.

December 28. The Professor responded. “I apologize... I am getting attached... I had to “ponder on its implications to me in the long run”... I decided to slow down... It hurts... “That weekend that we met felt like I knew you before”... I am afraid... “You have no idea how hard it is to leave everything behind every 4-5 fucking years not because I wanted it but because I have to”... I still hope to continue whatever we have... “I will always remember you. Please don’t forget about me.”... YADA YADA YADA. 

I know. You know me. I try to empathize as much as possible. But I mean, come on. These are things I already know. It’s not what I needed to hear.

December 31. I needed to say something one last time. There’s already a lot of uncertainties in the world with COVID and life and everything else. I knew I needed answers; I want the binary. I want the black or white for this one. I’m not taking the gray with me next year. So I asked the following questions:

“What do you want from me? Do you want to be friends? Or we stick with occasional catching up on Viber every once in a while (because that’s what it sounds like to me)?”

“What do you want to get from your last two months here? What are you looking for? Just make the most “fun’? Or look for something that will stick?”

“Have you told me anything you really didn’t mean?”

“That one time we talked about long-distance, were you asking me?”

Fast forward to now: I never got the answer I needed. I guess this is one of those rare occasions where no answer is the answer. And after a few weeks of contemplating about it, I am leaving it behind in 2020. 

I’m actually at peace with that.

So there you have it. The suck-fest that is 2020. The first month of the new year wasn’t so bad. I feel this great energy. This year’s going to be different. I did tell you that this letter’s perfect timing. That’s because I’ve resigned and I’m moving on. A friend told me a while ago that he’s proud of me for finally taking action. The 2018 version of myself wouldn’t have done what I did and he was happy for me. I wanted a clean slate and I took it. That I was finally taking ownership of my life. 

I was elated. My friend usually spoils me with compliments and encouragement and my ever reliable negative self-image tend to disagree with him but for the first time in a very long time, it felt right. I’m not usually excited for New Years, but I guess I am?

I say bring it on, 2021.

Until then,

Patheticwithanem

[mintylilacs]

Ramble post: magic calendars

So like everyone knows the Wheel of the Year, it’s nice and neat and based of the sun cycle and everything is exactly this many days apart and so on

It’s convenient to be sure, that’s why people like using it. It makes sense, the solstices and equinoxes and the midpoints add up to just enough evenly spaced holidays to add a nice structure without having them so often that you get overwhelmed. And every one is thematically unique yet work together!

But it doesn’t really mean anything to me.

I have my own Super Important Days

My SID’s happen to usually line up with the US’s national calendar holidays a lot because that’s when my family has time to do things.

The first one that comes to mind is a Beltane-like holiday that happens around the same time, but not as strictly.

It’s the first weekend after the ground hardens enough to park a trailer on our property, and we call it the Burning Days. It just so happens to be around early May usually.

We go and rake up huge piles of pine needles and set them all on fire in these HUGE bonfires that don’t go out for the entire weekend, I’m talking non stop blazes.

We have to do it because pine needles when dry are extremely flammable, and either we burn them in the spring or they burn themselves in the summer. But why not make it a party too? I associate it with cleansing since we’re quite literally cleaning up the property.

After that is Memorial Day, which is basically the first time my family all gets together for the summer. It’s a feast and a family day. Everyone brings food and we celebrate the start of camping season!

By contrast Labor Day is the last big camping trip of the year, it’s kind of my New Years in a way. Probably cause I associate it so strongly with the start of a new school year.

Fall is like 80% holidays, because my dad’s side of the family hunts. Rather than harvest holidays in fall I have hunting ones, in which I theoretically would give offerings in exchange for whatever my dad killed... but he never gets anything. :(. So it’s also a time to appreciate the beauty of nature at what I’ve always considered to be its most vibrant. If you’ve never been to Red Top in fall I just don’t know what to tell you.

Also Halloween. Duh.

We have a Yule/New Years thing too, but it’s getting harder and harder to enjoy it because the part of my family I see during that time is just annoying as hell.

it’s in late January and into February when I really get to enjoy the winter, my family goes to the mountains and snowmobiles and it’s really fun! I associate that time of year with remembering to enjoy yourself, to let yourself have fun and be playful! Nothing will make you feel like a kid again quite like flying down a hill on a cheap plastic sled!

So if I take Labor Day as New Years it kind of looks like this

New year- start of strong by working for your food during Hunting Season (October/November ish? I think?) learn the beauty and treasure of nature by experiencing all it has to offer, be humbled by your reliance on it and recognize both your worth and the worth of the world around you

Winter trips (anywhere from December to February depending on weather patterns), Hunting season is over, the growing season has not begun, there is no more work to do so now we can play! the snow is a playground! You can shape it, dig in it, ride on top of it, and more! Learn to play, and see the world not as it is, but as it could be!

Burning Days (Late March to early May) let go of what’s holding you back, clean house and burn away the weight that holds you down and could endanger you in the future! Plant a garden in the newly uncovered soil and watch it grow!

First Camping Trip (end of May) reunite with your family and share the first fruits of your garden, make food and laugh and celebrate the warmth of the end of the spiritual year!

Last camping trip/New Years (beginning of September) summer is ending and the world is hot and dry and tired, waiting with baited breath for the start of the wet season. Get together again, but this time reminisce. Take time to go to a special place, perhaps a lake your grandfather loved. Relish in the fact that you still have time to spend together and prepare for the incoming fall.

[rachel-blue]

2020.

2019, for all intents and purposes, was one of the best years of my life. And then we rolled into 2020, which definitely toppled a lot of things and forced me to stop in my tracks, sit with my thoughts, and try and re-evaluate most everything. It took down the industry I’ve worked in for the past 7 years, it taught me how important my family relationships are, and it somehow also brought me to a new state (though that may have come this year regardless). The year has left me tired, confused, frustrated, and still playing catch-up on finances months later. So, here’s to focusing on the good things amongst it all.

2020 Highlights:

Ecuador. My first trip to South America turned out to be the best trip I’ve ever had the opportunity to take. Partially because of the people I came to travel with, partially because of the locals who went above and beyond to welcome me, and partially because of the absolute wonder that is the Galapagos. Everything you see in videos and postcards is absolutely the real thing. There’s an island where you can send things via “pirate mail” (which of course has gone nowhere since March), outdoor dinners in the street are the norm, and plantains are served with most meals (yum!) Also, swimming alongside sea turtles is absolutely something you need to experience at least once in your life.

Savannah. My one and only race escape of the year. There’s something special about airport rocking chairs and employees who recommend you their favorite food spot in town. There’s this kind of magic to reading a book on a bench beside the Forsyth Park fountain and watching the lights trickle on for the evening. There’s the glamor of Spanish moss in old, sprawling cemeteries and the kindness of airbnb hosts.

Blazin’ Paddles. River life was one of the unexpected (but much-appreciated) results of losing my job back in March. I stumbled into an opportunity to be a kayak tour guide for the summer, which was really the best case scenario all things considered. I had the chance to spend my summer days soaking up the water and sunshine and meeting people from across the US. Also, I had a pretty rad group of coworkers to welcome me in for those few months.

Texas. I can’t say much yet except that Texans just do whatever the hell they want and act like COVID doesn’t exist, so. There’s that. But I dig the small town America vibe we’ve got where we’re at, and I very much look forward to upping my live concert intake once we get back to that type of existence. On a more fun note, we had the chance to revisit some of my favorite Route 66 spots, as well as a whole new stretch (to me!) of the road on our relocation out here. Getting to spray paint a Cadillac at Cadillac Ranch has been on my list for years.

National Parks. The NPS explorations continued with a weekend camping trip in Great Basin (s’mores! Milky Way! Comet!) and a day trip excursion out to Zion to hike the Narrows. Buying an NPS annual pass is one of my favorite things I’ve done as an adult, and I 100% recommend doing so if you’re anywhere near some spots parks/monuments/recreation areas/etc.

Crystal Pier. Crystal Pier was home to me before I knew what it meant to have a second home. It’s sun and sand and cool evenings and driving over the wooden slats of the pier and digging for sand crabs and breakfast at Kono’s. This year meant a little bit more with getting to share the experience with Chris and also getting in one last solid family weekend in before moving. 

Books read this year: 121 Shows attended this year: 102 (Fair warning that all but TWO of these “show” were live streams.) Miles run this year: 635.57

‘20 playlist (in no particular order): Sister Hazel - “All For You” Beans on Toast - “I’m Home When You Hold Me” Jonas Brothers - “What A Man Gotta Do” Frank Turner - “1933″ Zac Brown Band - “Castaway” Anti-Flag - “The Project For A New American Century” MxPx - “Worries” Charlie Mtn. - “Best Bet / Let Shit Go” Ludo - “All The Stars in Texas” Emily Barker & the Red Clay Halo - “Fields of June” Chris Stapleton - “Starting Over” Dispatch - “Only The Wild Ones” Nothington - “Where I Can’t Be Found”

[2019. 2018. 2017. 2016. 2015. 2014. 2013. 2012. 2011. 2010.]

[wexlerkimberly]

oh god, yearly round-up.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

side note: this is my TENTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! year of doing this!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have been on this website for OVER 10 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jesus christ.

ok. on a completely personal level, last year was so fucking dreadful that i remember falling asleep at my friends house on new years eve and thinking: “well, at least this year can’t be any worse”. HMMMM. in all seriousness though, despite everything, i have had a mostly decent year. i’m very lucky in lots and lots of ways. i’m lucky none of my closest family or loved ones have been effected too deeply by covid. just mild inconvenience, at most. i am lucky that i live in a house with such a large garden, so i could enjoy fresh air and family-free time if i needed to. i am lucky the weather has been mostly nice this year so i could go for plenty of walks. i’m lucky that i’m naturally a very quiet, anti-social person anyway so i haven’t felt the strain of isolation as severely as others. 

most of all, this year has been boring, if anything. but there’s still been things that have made it nice. january - birthday!!! i don’t usually go hard or anything for my birthday but it stands out to me as a really lovely day. i went for a walk to one of my favourite hills with my dad & dogs during the day. in the evening, i had badminton with my friends as i used to most thursdays (INDOOR SPORTS?!?!?!!? REMEMBER INDOORS SPORTS?!?!!?!?!) and then, as per our tradition, i went back to their flat for take-away chips and halloumi burgers. because they are so unbelievably generous and lovely, my friends bought me a new badminton racket for my birthday. i feel like i’ve barely got a chance to use this year, for obvious reasons, but i can’t wait to use it so much more as soon as possible. the following day, i went to work as normal but then went out to a really nice italian place with my family for a meal and we did birthday cake & candles when we got home. feeling stupidly grateful for so many thoughtful people in my life. february - again, this year has been so dry that a trip to the cinema could be considered a high point. but it was my only cinema trip of the year and just a really nice day. me & my friend saw jojo rabbit (which was great, if you haven’t seen it already) and afterwards we ambled around town looking at things in shops. it sounds so simple but i haven’t done any of that stuff since really, so it feels so exciting and exotic when i think back on it. 

february - stayed at my grandma’s house for the weekend. we do that as often as we can, usually, and it’s always nice. but - obviously - we haven’t been able to see my grandma much at all this year. it was nice to sit in front of the fire with her and watch tv and be given access to all sorts of baked goods and walk up the hills around by her. on the sunday, we managed to pop-in on my nana & grandad too and eat many baked goods there too.

march - meal out for my brother’s birthday. i feel like a lot of my “special days” this year revolved around someone’s birthday this year. but i think this was our last day of ‘normalcy’ before things went a bit crazy here. my family went to a caribbean pub with my brother and his gf and we had lovely tasty food and a nice night out. i think that was the last day i wore anything other than pyjamas or leggings for a long time.

april - no joke, i remember going to the vets during the peak of lockdown when the whole country was essentially shut down and it felt like THE most exciting day of my life. my cat was fine (she’d been bitten and needed painkillers for an infection but she was absolutely fine!) but i remember being near giddy in the car. my sister came with us too even though she didn’t need to because of how exciting it felt. 

may - my brother’s birthday. the other one. the first of our lockdown birthdays. we popped in to drop a card off at a friend’s who shares the same birthday as him. then we drove (DROVE! IN A CAR!) to a stretch of really lovely canal that my brother likes to walk on and had a great walk. in the evening, we ordered in an indian take-away and my sister had made a FAT four-tiered chocolate cake to celebrate.

may - ok this is very dumb but i finished breaking bad this year and i set aside a special date to watch el camino. i made a very sickly millionaire’s cheesecake and my whole family gathered round the tv to eat and re/watch el camino. it’s so dumb and silly but i was so excited, it felt like a special cinematic event. i cried. 

june - my dad’s birthday. my dad, my brother & me (plus dogs) drove out of the county (rogue fugitives!!!!!!) to meet my grandad for a socially distanced chat and picnic. it was a bit weird not being able to hug him and sitting on separate benches but it was still great to see him. we had a takeaway chinese for dinner and a chocolate cake for dessert.

july - my sister’s birthday. we technically celebrated it 4 days earlier because she had to move into her new flat but we had a nice indian take-away and another bloody chocolate birthday cake.

july - my mom’s birthday. i honestly cannot remember what we ate - i think we had homemade pizzas in the garden??? it’s weird when food dictates the differences between days. anyway, i definitely made another birthday cake.

july - went for a socially distanced walk with a friend i haven’t seen in ages. it was lovely and the weather was very kind to us and it was great to go walking across fields and to a reservoir i hadn’t been to in years and years. 

august - my brother got his GCSE results and we ate pizza in the garden to celebrate. after the monumental government fuck-up with results, we were a bit nervous about how badly they’d ruin his chances but he did very well.

september - went to visit my grandma. she had been living by herself for the entirity of the pandemic (she doesn’t mind, she’s loves to garden and she does online latin and pilates classes, she’s a very busy lady) but i think she enjoyed seeing us. we were plied full of food once again. we went for a lovely evening ramble on the hills right by her house. on the sunday, my dad went for a walk with a friend he hasn’t seen in ages while me, my brother and my grandma went for another hill walk elsewhere. i think my grandma really enjoyed that because she hasn’t been able to go walking much because she was so anxious about tripping and being completely alone, or being rescued by someone carrying The Virus. so it was nice to accompany her. after that, we had a nice socially distanced meeting with my grandparents in their garden. it felt very risky to me because i am insanely anxious but my grandma, my grandad and my nana are all very safe and healthy.

october - halloween!!! i never celebrate halloween BUT this year, i was so sick of being the house every single day i decided to organise something different. so in the evening, me, my dad & my brother went for a halloween walk in the countryside through a graveyard, then through a field where there used to be an old abonnonded saxon village, and then finally through hagley wood where bella of wych elm was found. my dad & my brother were completely uneffected but i was absolutely shitting myself at every tiny little thing. my dogs had their little flashing colours on and we all had torches but i was still so pathetically spooked by everything. after the walk, we met my mom in the car (i had to get changed in the car from my walking stuff to vaguely presentable clothes) then we went to a goddamn PUB!!!!!!!!! to eat a meal!!!!!!!!!!! i went a bit overboard making my family santise their hands every 5 minutes but we definitely had a lovely meal.

november - did a bonfire in the garden for bonfire night. ate homemade vegan chilli and then apple crumble. it was freezing cold and we tried to stay out there for as long as we could. i even managed to find some sparklers and me & my brother waltzed around the garden with them, likesay we’re not an adult and a child-grown. the others melted marshmallows on the fire and i just enjoyed watching the fireworks i could see and throwing balls for the dogs.

november - we’re brits lmao but when joe biden’s presidency was finally confirmed, we celebrated with an indonesian take-away because fuck it!!!!!!!! gotta celebrate where we could this year!!!!!!!!!! 

december - christmas!!!!!!!!!!!! we usually have christmas every year at my grandma’s house with my aunt and her boyfriend. it’s a fairly decent sized house out in the countryside and she has a wood-burning fire and it just Feels more christmassy there, especially as i’ve literally only ever spent one single christmas at home before. but we still managed to make it very special this year i think. my sister came on the 13th and we got quickly into a routine of watching christmas films in the evening. on christmas eve, i made vegan gingerbread biscuits and vegan mince pies and my sister made a chocolate yule log cake and then we watched a film. on christmas morning, we all opened our presents in our own living room which felt weird but was still lovely. afterwards, we went for a family walk. my mom pretty much single-handedly (me & my sister helped) cooked a whole christmas dinner for the 6 of us with all the trimmings. usually it’s my grandma, my aunt and my mom but the fact my mom managed to cook such a goddamn feast with our shitty oven where the grill doesn’t work and you have to slam the oven door at least 5 times before it shuts.......... i’m convinced she Might be superwoman?!?!!?!? and it was SO good. in the evening, we had cheese & crackers and my sister’s tasty yule log and we watched many a film. boxing day was much the same but still nice. this whole stretch between christmas and new years day is usually painfully boring but this year has been good, i think. i have consumed an entire army’s worth of cheese and chocolate and i have definitely enjoyed the snow we’ve had here recently.

so. yeah. this is very basic and boring. none of these things would usually end up in my write-up of the year. but i haven’t been to a single concert or theatre trip or even really left the midlands at all. in my round-up last year, i wrote some stupid sentimental bullshit about romanticising “the most basic and boring aspects of life” and never has that been so apt. on the face of it, this year has been SO boring. but i’ve managed to make it enjoyable in the tiniest ways.

for example, i enjoyed every single sunny day. i would jump on the trampoline and listen to podcasts. i would go running and listen to podcasts. i would go walking and listen to podcasts. i owe a lot to podcasts, i think. but i definitively owe a LOTTTTT to walking. i walk for a living (i’m a dog-walker lmao) but i would still go out for walks with my own dogs in the evening or go out for walks with my dad in the morning where i could. if we thought we made good use of the pizza oven last year, this year has been insane. i have made and cooked SO! MANY! pizzas this year and they were all excellent. i feel like food has been really important this year. like i said, it helps distinguish the days, especially “special” or “treat” foods. like everyone i have done a lottt of baking this year. especially when it’s been such a great year for fruit!!! there’s a field near me and there’s just simply shit loads of blackberries and raspberries that grow there. i remember one evening sat in the garden eating some mango sorbet my sister made with some raspberries i picked from the field and thinking that life simply does not get better than that. idk. it’s nice to take pleasure in the smallest things i think.

but, like i said, i have been so lucky this year. i was only off work temporarily and none of my immediate circle have been directly impacted by the effects of covid. as annoying as they are, i’m very lucky to have spent so much time with my family - as opposed to be being by myself - because it’s nice when we make food for each other and watch tv and films together or go for walks together. 

god. this is long and waffley. if you read all this: what the fuck is wrong with you? but also: thank you! i know 2021 is definitely going to start off rocky but i strongly believe - and i’m a massive pessimist - that things are going to get better.  love and strength to everyone. wishing you peace and comfort x 

(again: i cannot believe i have been writing up this silly little incoherent things for a decade!!! sometimes i like to go back and read the earlier ones and remind myself of old fun times and cringe at teenage me. here’s to... 10 more years??? hahahahaha. anyway:here’s the other 9 years of nonsense: 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, and, finally, 2011.)

[sarah-writes-stories]

For You: Part 2

You can find Part 1 Here.

Written to participate in Inuyasha White Day 2020. Even though it was crazy, crazy, CRAZY late! Holy shit.

6,429 words.

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He really did have the shittiest luck.

Inuyasha scowled down at the event flyer he held in his hand, reading the words again. Apparently, the student council had decided on a ”White Day” theme for their senior class’s end-of-year graduation party.

Saturday, March 14th. Be there or be square.

But what about human? Could he also be human?

Because with his shitty luck there just so happened to be a new moon on White Day this year.

Dammit. Dammit. Fucking shit.

Glancing at the girl walking beside him, Inuyasha’s face grew grim. He was pretty sure that Kagome hadn’t put two and two together yet, not that he blamed her. They hadn’t been together long enough for her to have experienced another new moon since that very first evening they’d spent together.

Because Valentine’s Day had also been a new moon, almost one month ago.

Had it only been a month? It felt like a lot longer, what with them spending every day together since then. He wasn’t complaining though; just the opposite, in fact. The alternative would’ve been far, far worse.

Inuyasha hadn’t even realized how unsettled his soul had been over the past three years – forced as he was out of necessity to stay away from Kagome – until the moment he’d finally held her in his arms for the first time.

He couldn’t explain it. It was like she was a balm to him. Her presence instantly filling him with warmth and contentment until even the idea of being without her caused an ache to settle deep in his bones.

It was why he’d brought Kagome home with him after school on Valentine’s Day.

Tōga, to his credit, had sensed the shocking change in his son’s aura immediately. Where once it had seethed with gruff agitation to the point of belligerence, now it was suddenly calm. He’d thought to chalk it up to the momentary elation of finally being so close to his truemate… That is, until Inuyasha’s human change had come over him.

As the sun dipped below the horizon, Tōga’s attention had been drawn by the sound of Kagome gasping in awe. He’d winced in expectation of his son’s usual reaction…only to then watch Inuyasha smile at the girl in return, amused by her awestruck expression.

Inuyasha had been amused?

He’d smiled?

Over his human transformation?

The thing his son hated above all else?

And still, the boy’s aura remained calm!

It was then that Tōga knew that his son’s painfully unsettled usual state could no longer be explained away as the standard fluctuations of hormonal adolescence. No, these two weren’t even bound to one another yet, but they might as well have been. He could sense how Kagome’s soothing aura flowing over the jagged edges of his son’s soul, could sense how Inuyasha’s in return reached out to provide hers with strength and support.

It humbled and disturbed him to realize now that he had been the source of his own son’s silent suffering – could only guess at what it had been like for the poor girl as well – and all because he had made Inuyasha promise to stay away from her.

Well, that would end tonight.

Quickly a phone call had been made and Kagome’s family summoned.

And once Kagome had explained to her mother that the boy she’d been heartbrokenly pining over for the past three years was, in fact, her truemate – and once the realities of such a truth were discussed openly – it had been decided that the propriety of keeping the pair apart simply because they were technically still in high school was much less important than ensuring that they not hurt their children any longer.

It was Kagome’s grandfather who had been the hardest to convince, stating that he refused to allow his only granddaughter to be kidnapped by some youkai, never to be seen or heard from again. If each were to be allowed to always stay near the other, then they had to take turns staying at each other’s homes overnight… in separate rooms, of course.

That settled, the new arrangement had begun that very night.

It had been somewhat awkward at first, to be so deeply connected to someone that neither of them actually knew very much about. And so, little by little they’d started to get to know one another.

They’d gone on dates, staying up late into the night sharing their secrets, their fears, their hopes and dreams. They’d cuddled on the couch, learning to compromise and take turns picking which movie they would watch. They’d done homework and studied for finals together, encouraging each other to succeed. And they’d shared passionate make-out sessions, Inuyasha sneaking the two of them up onto the auditorium’s roof during lunch hours, so that they could be alone, just the two of them.

What had begun as an instinctual necessity had quickly bloomed into something much, much deeper…

Inuyasha and Kagome were well and truly in love.

Which brought Inuyasha back to today.

He’d already spoken with Kagome’s mother, already withdrawn a hefty sum from his savings account in order to buy the ring. After all, it was traditional on White Day for men to reciprocate any gifts they’d received by bestowing even greater tokens of affection in return.

And an engagement ring would definitely be the greatest token of all.

Inuyasha had even been willing to overlook the fact that it was going to be a new moon that night – all so that he could follow through on the White Day tradition – because he knew how much Kagome liked that kind of sentimental shit.

Only now their graduation party had also been scheduled for the same night and there was NO WAY he was going out to such a public event on his night of vulnerability, romantic plans be damned.

Sighing, he snuck another glance at Kagome out of the corner of his eye. He loved how animated she was – so different from him – walking along beside him, wondering aloud what they should wear to the event and whether they should match or complement one another in their choices of formalwear.

Because they were a “they” now.

She was his. His Kagome.

That thought alone made him smile.

But his smile quickly faded back to a frown as he reread the flyer one final time. He hated having to take this from her, but there was nothing for it.

“We’re not going.” He spoke gruffly, effectively cutting Kagome’s chatter off mid-sentence.

“Wha–What? Why?” She questioned, hurt creeping into her voice.

Inuyasha turned to face her, taking in her sad eyes, and felt compelled to explain in a voice soft enough so as not to carry.

“It’s my night. You know? My night. I can’t take you… Sorry.” He looked dejected, the shame of his failure to make his truemate happy leaving a bitter taste in the back of his throat. “You can go without me, if you want.”

Her own disappointment forgotten, Kagome jumped immediately to his defence…even if that defence was against himself.

“What?! No way! I’m the one who forgot, so I’m the one who should be sorry. I should have remembered. And if you can’t go then I don’t wanna go either.”

Inuyasha nodded, resigned to their mutual disappointment. They walked on in silence for a bit before Kagome stopped short, all but tripping herself on the sidewalk in her haste.

“What?” He questioned.

“I had an idea! What if we have our own White Day graduation party?”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Well, what’s the fun part of a grad party? You get all dressed up and go to a fancy hotel, right? You party with your friends, you get a room…”

Kagome trailed off, belatedly realizing the implications of what she’d just said.

Inuyasha was less subtle about it. “Get a room?!” He squeaked.

She cringed a bit, “What I mean is, instead of going to the school’s grad party we could have our own. You and me. Maybe we could even invite Miroku and Sango as well. They know about your night already, don’t they?”

Inuyasha nodded, considering her suggestion. “So we’d get all dressed up, rent some hotel rooms, and have our own party?”

“Sure! Why not? I bet we could even get your dad to spring for a limo! I bet he would’ve anyway if we were going to the actual grad party, so why not, right? Just think about it. It would be fun!”

Inuyasha stayed quiet for a moment more. He’d been planning to give her the ring for White Day, and with this plan he still could. In fact, it might even be better. They’d have a whole hotel room to themselves.

“Sure. Okay, let’s do it.”

“Really?!” Kagome exclaimed, clearly more than a little surprised that he’d agreed so easily.

“Yeah, sure. Why not, right?”

“Oh, this is so great! Okay, why don’t you talk to your parents about booking the hotel and the limo and I’ll take care of convincing Miroku and Sango to skip the official party in favour of hanging out with us!”

Inuyasha nodded silently, suddenly feeling nervous.

This was really happening.

It was gonna happen.

He was going to get Kagome alone for White Day and ask her to be his wife, his truemate for life.

Even as Kagome continued to beam up at him with a radiant smile, Inuyasha couldn’t help but gulp as choking anxiety close like a fist around his throat,

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Inuyasha’s parents had, at first, not liked this plan at all.

His night of vulnerability was a secret his entire family had always tried to keep as private as possible. The old prejudices against hanyou may not have been as prevalent now as they once were, but it was always better to be safe than sorry. Heck, even Sesshōmaru kept his mouth shut about it and his younger half-brother was not his favourite person in the world, to say the least.

Izayoi, especially, had been adamantly against the idea…That is, until Inuyasha had worked up the courage to tell his parents what his real plan for the weekend, to formally ask Kagome to become his mate. After that, his mother was quick to switch sides, helping Inuyasha to convince Tōga that this whole “private graduation party” thing was a good idea.

Outnumbered, Tōga had finally relented, renting the four friends a limo to take them to a rather fancy boutique hotel on the other side of town. It was one known in youkai circles for its discretion and was far enough away from the venue hosting the official grad event that Inuyasha was sure that no one he knew would see him in his human form and recognize him.

Still, when Saturday afternoon came around and it was time to get ready, Inuyasha couldn’t help but be intensely nervous about the whole thing.

Just thinking about going out on his human night on top of his plan to ask Kagome to be his wife was enough to have him sweating through the first dress shirt he tried to put on.

Groaning, he forcefully wrenched his thoughts away from either of those two topics…only to succeed in directing them instead to the time in between when the limo would drop them off and when it would return to pick them up the next morning.

The time when he and Kagome could be alone.

Just the two of them.

In a hotel room.

He gulped.

“Inuyasha!” Izayoi voice broke into his panicked mind. “Miroku’s here.”

He shook his head to clear it some before calling back, “Huh? Already?”

Peeking his head out the doorway, Inuyasha watched as his best friend appeared, mounting the stairs two at a time, a garment bag draped over one shoulder.

Miroku smirked as he brushed past Inuyasha into his room. “Bro, you are a mess. You’re gonna have to change that shirt.”

Inuyasha glared at his smirking friend, a faint flush staining his cheeks at being called out. “Fuck off. You know what I’m planning to ask Kagome. You don’t have to be such a fucking ass about it.”

“Inuyasha, my friend, I’ve got your back. Why do you think I’m here so early?”

Inuyasha gave Miroku a questioning look, “To torment me?”

“Far from it. I’m here to help you relax,” and instantly Inuyasha was on high alert, recognizing the glint of mischief in his friend’s eyes.

Silently, Miroku walked over to Inuyasha's closet, hanging his garment bag up on the back of the door. He unzipped it, reaching his hands inside and down towards the bottom corners of the bag.

“Ta-da!” With a flourish, Miroku produced two decent-sized bottles of sake that he’d had hidden in the bag.

Inuyasha’s eyes went wide. “Where the hell did you get those?!”

“Apparently Koga knows a guy who knows a guy who makes fake IDs and well, you know me…” Miroku trailed off with a shrug, pulling the fake ID from his back pocket and brandishing it in front of Inuyasha’s face.

Shock, followed by excitement, followed by disappointment played in quick succession across Inuyasha’s face before he finally hissed out a whispered, “Dude, we can’t drink that in here! My dad’s gonna smell it for sure!”

“Nuh-uh. I’ve been practising my ofuda,” Miroku whispered back, holding out one of the bottles. There was an ofuda wrapped tightly around the widest part. “It’s a barrier-like blessing and will block the smell from even youkai senses, see?”

Quickly, Miroku pulled the cap off the ceramic bottle and took a swig, not bothering to replace the cap when he was done. Inuyasha sniffed in Miroku’s direction. He couldn’t smell the alcohol coming from either the bottle or his friend.

A sly grin made its way onto Inuyasha’s face. “Miroku, you may be lecherous as fuck, but you’re also a goddamned genius.”

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Tonight was NOT turning out the way Kagome had been expecting.

To be honest, she wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting… Some fun, maybe? Maybe some romance? Maybe even some laughs with their friends, doing crazy stuff like racing around the halls of the posh hotel in the middle of the night?

Whatever she’d thought tonight was going to be, Kagome had never for a second pictured herself dressed to the nines and sitting around in a hotel room while her truemate and his best friend rolled around on the floor in fits of drunken laughter.

She cast a baleful eye at the two human males sprawled on the floor.

“So your parents actually fell for that?” Miroku gasped, attempting to catch his breath before letting out another blast of laughter.

“Yup!” Inuyasha answered, his best human version of an evil youkai grin spreading across his face.

All of their parents had agreed to this private grad party on the condition that when the two hotel rooms were booked one would be for the girls and one for the guys.

Apparently the guys found their parents’ naïveté rather hilarious.

Kagome and Sango shared a look of resigned disgust, both quickly losing patience with what the guys were insinuating so blatantly in front of them.

Perhaps they should have known that this was what would happen. After all, when the guys had arrived to pick them up, they’d been sporting a secret bottle of sake that they’d offered to share with the girls.

It had felt daring and exciting, and the girls had agreed, passing the bottle around, each taking a few swigs in the back of their privacy-screened limo.

Only it quickly became apparent that the guys were much more inebriated than the girls were and had already polished off most of the bottle on their own before leaving to pick them up.

And it had all gone downhill from there.

“Inuyasha, you’re drunk,” Kagome stated the obvious. “I thought we were going to have fun tonight! How about we go down to the hotel restaurant and get some food in you? You know, they have a dance floor down there, too…”

As she trailed off, Kagome thought she saw fear skitter through Inuyasha’s eyes, but it was only for a split-second and then it was gone, the hanyou grumbling out a dismissive, “And why would I wanna do that?”

Sango rolled her eyes at her drunk friend’s obvious stupidity. “Why would you want to have dinner and dance with your girlfriend during the grad party that you convinced us to have with you? Oh, I have no idea, Inuyasha. Really.”

She snorted before continuing. “Kagome’s right. You’re piss drunk, just like this other good-for-nothing over here,” Sango motioned with her head towards where Miroku was half sitting, half lying on the floor against the footboard of one of the two double beds in the room.

Inuyasha scoffed at Sango’s words, “I’m hanyou, remember? I can take my liquor. I’m not some puny human.”

“But tonight you are human, Inuyasha,” Kagome reasoned. “Don’t you think you should slow down?”

“Why?! Why should I?! This whole stupid night was your stupid idea! And now that we’re having fun you want me to stop?! Baka wench!”

When Kagome had suggested going down to the hotel restaurant – out in the open where someone might recognize him – it had spooked Inuyasha. Add to that the disappointed looks she’d been shooting him for the past half hour, and you had the recipe for one seriously sake-enhanced emotional spiral.

The vicious words tumbled from Inuyasha’s mouth before he even knew what he’d said, and certainly before he’d had a chance to think better of them.

Kagome gasped, flinching as though she’d been physically slapped. Hurt flooded her eyes… Not that she could bring herself to look at him when next she spoke.

“I thought tonight was going to be fun, and– and romantic! I mean, it’s White Day, Inuyasha! It wasn’t supposed to be an excuse for the two of you to get drunk off your asses. I thought… I thought…”

But, clearly, it didn’t matter what she thought, did it?

Kagome squeezed her eyes shut tight against the pain of that realization. She stood, attempting to gather the remainder of her dignity around her, refusing to let the hot tears that prickled the backs of her eyes fall.

“I’m going to my room.”

Sango and Miroku shared a look. They both knew what Inuyasha had originally been planning for this weekend and why he’d been nervous enough to land himself in this drunken predicament.

“Kagome, I don’t think–”

“Save it, Sango. I think Inuyasha’s made himself abundantly clear.” Kagome turned away from the others, leaving the room without a backwards glance.

Inuyasha couldn’t do much more than stare dumbly after his truemate.

Words failed him. He hadn’t been able to say anything in his defence, nothing in an attempt to make her stay.

And at the sound of the heavy hinges of the suite’s door clunking closed behind her, a painful weight settle in Inuyasha’s heart.

How had it all turned so quickly? One minute he was trying to work up the courage to ask Kagome to head over to the girls’ suite with him for some room service – all so he could talk to her alone and pop the question – and the next minute…

“Miroku, where’s that other bottle?”

“Inuyasha, isn’t it–”

An unforgiving snarl, aimed more at himself than anyone else, ripped from Inuyasha’s throat.

“I said GIVE ME THE OTHER BOTTLE!”

Miroku handed him the bottle with a wary eye. Ignoring the look, Inuyasha pulled out the stopper and took a long swig.

How could everything have gone so wrong? All he’d ever wanted was Kagome…to make her happy, to make her his.

Now he’d be lucky if she ever spoke to him again.

His soul felt raw, the bone-deep ache of not having Kagome nearby returning. He’d almost forgotten what it felt like, that hell he’d been in over the past three years.

He shouldn’t have forgotten so quickly, though, because now he feared it was a hell he would be doomed to know for the rest of his life.

Sunrise couldn’t come fast enough.

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Knock, knock, knock.

Kagome had been dozing in the armchair that sat in the far corner of the girls’ suite when the sound of knocking startled her awake.

Knock, knock, knock.

No matter how she’d tried to convinced herself that she’d only been waiting up so that Sango could help her with the impossible-to-reach zipper on her dress, Kagome knew that, deep down, she’d been hoping that Inuyasha would come after her and apologize.

Knock, knock, knock.

Shaking herself from her doze, Kagome rose from her chair and moved to open the door.

“Okay, here we go. You’re gonna be staying here tonight, Inu.”

As soon as Kagome cracked the door open, Miroku pushed inside, half-guiding, half-dragging a very drunk and still-human Inuyasha into the suite behind him.

“Miroku, what the heck?! Where’s Sango?”

Miroku groaned under the strain of keeping his hanyou friend on his feet. “After you left, Inuyasha decided to drown his sorrows and Sango, feeling sorry for this idiot, let him convince her to have a drink with us. Well, several drinks actually… which my dearest is now paying for.”

Miroku made a mock retching motion to emphasize Sango’s plight and Kagome winced in sympathy.

“Is she okay?”

“She’s fine for the moment. I’m hoping the worst is out of her system, but I thought it best to bring Inuyasha over here before he passed out or got sick himself and then I had the two of them to deal with on my own rather than just one.”

Kagome gave both guys a hard look. “It would serve you right, Miroku! I wish you hadn’t bought any alcohol at all!”

“Kehhhh. I ain’t no lightweight.” Inuyasha slurred, clearly having difficulty focusing his eyes.

Miroku sighed, still quite drunk himself, “Yeah, I’ll admit it wasn’t my best idea, but will you take him? I need to get back to Sango. I don’t like leaving her alone like that.”

Rolling her eyes, Kagome conceded, “Fine. Go. I’ll take him.”

Miroku gave her a grateful half-smile before immediately dashing off back down the hall.

“Come on, Inu.“ she closed the suite door before tugging on Inuyasha’s hand, urging him to stagger the rest of the way into the room.

“Where’re we going?”

“Nowhere. We’re staying here tonight, Inu.”

“We are?” He glanced around, seemingly confused, before beginning to yank at the tie around his neck.

“Fuck, it’s hot. Why is it so hot in here?”

“I think it’s because you’re drunk. Remember that project from health class last year? It’s one of the common side effects of too much alcohol in the system.” She gave him a stern look before continuing. “You should really drink some water. I’ll go get some.”

Leaving Inuyasha with a still-confused look on his face, Kagome quickly ducked into the room’s ensuite, grabbing one of the wrapped drinking glasses on the counter and filling it with water.

When she emerged a few moments later she was not prepared for the sight that greeted her.

Inuyasha was standing in the middle of the hotel room, still with that slightly confused and more than a little unfocused look on his face… only now, he was 100-percent, totally and completely stark naked.

“Inuyasha!” Kagome squealed, barely keeping the glass of water from slipping out of her hand as she hastily spun back around.

She squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to dispel the image of Inuyasha’s lean and perfectly muscled body standing before her in all its glory.

It didn’t work.

She tried again to speak, ”Inuyasha, what are you doing?”

“I told you, lady, it’s fucking hot!”

Slowly, Kagome half-turned back around, not daring to allow her eyes to drift past his neck. She gave him a confused and quizzical look, as though she expected him to say more.

“What?” He asked her roughly. Clearly, his drunken mind saw no problem with the current state of things.

”No-Nothing.” Kagome’s voice was breathless. Her eyes had slipped lower again. She couldn’t seem to help it.

Inuyasha is right, she thought. It’s definitely getting hot in here.

Gulping, she inched toward him, still trying to keep what she considered to be a safe distance. “Here. Drink this.”

Inuyasha eyed her and the glass she held out suspiciously, eyes still glazed over with an unfocused gleam.

“It’s just water. Look. See?” Kagome took a sip first then passed the glass back to Inuyasha. He took it and drained it quickly before passing it back to her.

As she set the empty glass on the bedside table her mind scrambled. She needed something else to occupy her thoughts, anything to keep her traitorous eyes from roaming over his hard body and–

Nope. Nope. Stop that right there, Kagome, she mentally berated herself.

Then a thought occurred to her. “Hey Inuyasha, could you… Could you help me unzip my dress?”

Inuyasha’s eyes went wide as he sputtered incredulously.

Kagome quickly scrambled to explain. “I just need help with the zipper, I swear! I can’t reach it!”

Inuyasha seemed unconvinced. He tried to scowl at her but his eyes crossed slightly in the attempt causing much of the effect to be lost.

“Forget it. Forget it!” She wasn’t sure exactly why he was so dead set against helping her, but she wasn’t going to argue with him in the state he was in.

“How about we just go to bed.”

That suggestion only seemed to make things worse. Inuyasha snarled…or at least, Kagome presumed the sound he was making would have been a snarl if he had been in his hanyou form.

“Look, lady, I think I’ve been pretty nice up to this point, but you need to fuck right the hell off. I have a girlfriend. I AIN’T SLEEPING WITH YOU!” His volume rose as he ground out each word until he was bellowing those last words so loudly that Kagome wondered if Miroku could hear him down the hall.

The very thought of it was completely mortifying! What the hell was his problem? Not that she necessarily wanted their first time to be when he was in his human form and totally wasted, but did he have to act so insulted by the very…?

Wait.

“Inuyasha, did you say…? Did you say that you have a girlfriend?” A tentative smirk beginning to curl the corners of her mouth.

Crossing his arms over his chest, he tipped his nose into the air before huffing out a very pointed, “Yes. I do!”

Well, what do you know… Inuyasha was so drunk he couldn’t even recognize her.

Kagome wasn’t sure whether she should be pissed that he would so casually strip naked in front of what he thought was a complete stranger or deliriously happy that even drunk off his ass he was completely loyal to her.

Not that she ever doubted him.

“Actually, she’s more than my girlfriend. Or at least, she’s gonna be.”

Still mulling over whether to be pissed or amused, Kagome hadn’t been expecting this new declaration. Her breath caught in her throat.

“What…? ’Gonna be’?” Her tone urged Inuyasha to continue before she began jumping to possibly life-changing conclusions.

”Uh-huh. Reallllly soon.”

At that, her heart skipped a beat before picking up speed and attempting to escape her chest. “Soon? How soon exactly, Inuyasha?”

Inuyasha continued casually, apparently oblivious to the way she now hung on his every word. “Oh, I’ve got a whole big plan…uh…planned. See, she gave me chocolates for Valentine’s Day.”

Kagome smiled softly at that. “Oh, she did, did she?”

“Uh-huh. And they were perfect.” He paused, a look coming over his face that made Kagome’s heart squeeze. “She’s perfect.”

“She is?” It was a half-whisper and all Kagome could manage. She was beginning to feel a little lightheaded from how fast her heart was beating.

“Of course she is. I only hope she likes the ring I picked. I wanted it to be perfect for her. I wanted tonight to be perfect. ‘Course I fucked it up.” Groaning dejectedly, Inuyasha plopped down on the floor, a look of utter defeat on his face. “Kami, I miss her.”

Kagome could only stare. She opened and closed her mouth a few times, attempting to speak around the large lump in her throat.

It was too much.

Too much.

The tears were already falling before she found her voice.

“Inuyasha, did…” She cut herself off with a sob. “Did you say ‘ring’?”

Sullenly, Inuyasha leaned his face in his right palm, elbow propped on his knee, still completely oblivious to the emotional havoc he was wreaking upon the girl in front him. “Yeah, that’s what I said. But it’s too late now. She hates me.”

Her heart felt full to overflowing with love for this man. She had to take a deep breath before she could reassure him. ”Oh, I’m sure she doesn’t hate you.”

“I hope so, ‘cause I love her so much I feel like I could puke.”

Kagome couldn’t stop herself from laughing at that. “Um, that might be the alcohol, actually.”

“Huh. Maybe.” He shrugged dismissively before slumping over sideways to sprawl on his stomach on the floor, bare ass on display.

“Inuyasha!” Kagome squeaked. “What are you doing?”

“What does it look like? I’m tired! I’m going to sleep!” He huffed a bit, grumbling under his breath about “crazy wenches” as he balled his discarded formalwear into a makeshift pillow, arms crossing around the bundle to hold it in place.

Kagome just stood there for long moments, unable to do anything more than gape at the tempting expanse of skin on display: the breadth of his shoulders, the rippling muscles of his back, the trim waist that flared out to become the most delicious-looking ass she’d ever seen.

She stared, throat suddenly dry, until she just couldn’t take it any longer. Not knowing what else to do, she climbed up onto the bed, fancy dress and all.

Inuyasha had been planning on proposing to her.

She pulled the covers up over her head, squeezing her eyes shut tight in a  feeble attempt to calm her rampaging emotions. Of course, the moment her eyes closed the image of Inuyasha’s naked body reappeared in her mind’s eye.

“Argh!” She groaned, throwing the blankets off altogether in favour of simply clutching a pillow to herself tightly.

She was much too hot for blankets… And it was definitely going to be a long night.

⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯

Inuyasha felt it when his transformation took hold, ears retreating and relocating, fangs and claws elongating.

He sat up as the last of his hair faded from black to white. His head still felt slightly fuzzy and he shook it in an attempt to clear the fog.

His memories of the night before ended shortly after they’d made it up to the hotel room…

He remembered being incredibly nervous.

He remembered drinking a lot.

He remembered the hurt look in Kagome’s eyes and the crushing pain in his chest when she’d left.

And that was it.

So how did he get here? Laying on the floor of a different room…

And as naked as the day he was born!

Inuyasha yelped, cursing loudly as he clamoured to his feet. He grabbed up his boxer-briefs from the pile of clothing he’d been laying on, shoving one and then the other leg in and hastily pulling them up when he heard movement coming from the bed beside him.

He froze.

“Huh? Wha–?” Kagome sat up slowly, rubbing at her eye with a fist.

Inuyasha’s mind was racing. What had happened? How the heck did he get here and why was he naked and on the floor while Kagome was asleep on the bed, still in her dress by the looks of things?

His face must have betrayed some of the horror of his thoughts because a small amused smile curved Kagome’s lips when she spoke. “I take it you don’t remember what happened last night?”

Eyes wide, Inuyasha shook his head slowly before clearing his throat. “I uh… I remember…uh…the four of us in the other room. And I remember you were…angry with me.”

Kagome gave him a look that he couldn’t quite decipher. Was it…expectation maybe?

“Do you remember anything else?”

He cast his eyes around the room searching for some kind of clue, something to jog his memory.

“No…” He paused feeling more anxious the longer she looked at him like that. “Should I remember something, Kagome? How–? I mean, why was I naked?” That last word came out in a horrified whisper.

If something had happened between them and he’d hurt her, he would never forgive himself. What other explanation could there be for him sleeping on the floor rather than in the bed with her? And it was unnerving him that he still couldn’t read the look on her face. If he had done something – especially after the absolute mess he’d made of things last night – then, truemate or no truemate, he was sure she would never agree to be his wife now.

“Dammit, Kagome. Just– Just tell me what happened!”

Something in Kagome’s eyes softened when she registered the panic in his voice. “Don’t worry, Inu, nothing bad happened.”

The relief that washed through him at her words was a tangible thing. “Okay. Okay, good. Still, I need you to tell me what happened.”

”Well, Miroku brought you over here after Sango got sick.”

“Sango got sick?”

”Yeah.” She gave him a stern look. “Apparently you convinced her to drink with you!”

One hand came up to rub at his temples. “Shit. Okay. Okay, then what?”

“Well, you kept complaining that you were hot and when I went to get you a drink of water…”

Inuyasha’s eyes widened. “Don’t– Don’t fucking tell me I just stripped naked in front of you, Kagome!”

“Well…not exactly.” Her cheeks flushed at the memory of that first sight of his naked body.

His brow furrowed in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you stripped in front of a stranger.”

“I did WHAT?!”

Kagome couldn’t help the guffaw that erupted from her as she laughed at his expense. He deserved it, after all. He had been the one to drink himself into a stupor.

Inuyasha’s scowl let her know how little he thought any of this was funny.

Finally able to take a deep breath, Kagome calmed her giggles enough to explain. “What I mean is, you thought I was a stranger. You didn’t recognize me but apparently, that didn’t matter because you still stripped naked while I was getting you a drink.”

Inuyasha’s cheeks bloomed in embarrassment. He sputtered for a moment before allowing the bluster of anger to cover it up. “Feh, it was only ‘cause I was a weak human. My goddamn nose is useless on new moon nights. There’s no way I’d ever not recognize you otherwise.“

He sighed heavily at first hoping that was it… But the look on Kagome’s face told him she still had more to say. “Okay, go on, what else happened.”

“Well, I tried to get you to help me with the zipper on my dress. I couldn’t reach it.”

“Is that why you were sleeping in it?”

”Yeah, you outright refused to help me. You were super insulted actually. Told me to F-off because you have a girlfriend.”

He couldn’t help his lopsided grin, “‘Course I did.”

And then that look was back in her eye. The one Inuyasha couldn’t quite read. “Actually, Inu, you said that I was more than your girlfriend.”

His grin quickly faded, eyes again going wide with nervousness as he suddenly remembered why he’d thought drinking last night was such a good idea.

“I– I did?”

“Yep. Apparently, you had a plan? You told me that you hoped…” She gulped, looking down at her hands twisting in her lap, willing herself to have the courage to continue. “You told me that you hoped I’d like the ring you’d picked out.”

Fear blanketed Inuyasha’s mind in paralysis. She wasn’t looking at him. Why wasn’t she looking at him?! “Ka-Kagome, I– I– I–”

“Yes.”

It took Inuyasha a full minute to realize that Kagome had spoken. It took him another minute to register what she’d said.

When he did, he felt his heart stop.

“Wha…? Kagome, what did you just say?”

She raised her eyes to look at him then, and until the day he died Inuyasha was sure he would never forget the look of love and hope he saw shining there.

“I said yes, Inuyasha.”

Faster than Kagome could blink, Inuyasha was in front of her. He scooped her up off the bed, crushing her to him, lips finding hers in a passionate kiss.

He prayed that she could feel the same hope and love in his kisses… And when her small hands came up to twine in the hair at the nape of his neck, he thought that maybe she could.

They were breathless when they finally broke apart. He nuzzled at the soft skin under Kagome’s ear as she trailed her hands down from his neck, over the smooth planes of his still-naked chest.

“You know, I tried so hard not to stare at you when you were…naked…but when you kiss me like that…”

Inuyasha inhaled sharply as her words trailed off suggestively. He couldn’t stop his tongue from darting out to taste the soft flesh of her throat, and she moaned softly in return, pressing her lips to his chest, right above his heart.

Kami, he loved this woman. And he wanted her… badly.

And then a thought occurred to him… She was his now. She had said yes.

When Inuyasha leaned away from Kagome’s embrace his evil youkai grin was back, only this time it was decidedly more wicked. He caught her chin in his fingers, urging her to look up at him.

“It’s only dawn. We still have a few hours until the limo comes back to pick us up. You think they’ll be upset with us if I bind you before the wedding?”

She smiled, hunger erupting in her eyes. “Maybe? But I don’t really care. Kiss me again, mate.”

And so he did.

⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯

Special shout-out goes to @hnnwnchstr​ for sending me this twitter post which inspired the whole story! Thanks, lady! This one’s for you!

[hispeculiartreasure]

All We’ve Got is Time - Chapter Thirteen | B.B.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

AU: If They’d Survived/Post-War/Window Washer!Bucky Barnes

Rating: Teen

Word count: 3,540

Chapter 13/24

Warnings: Language

AN: Spanning the time of Bucky’s entire on-site training, this chapter is pretty different from anything I’ve ever done before. I have a sneaking suspicion y’all are really going to enjoy it. Lemme hear your thoughts when you’re done!

Chapter Twelve

‘All We’ve Got is Time’ Masterlist

July 7, 1946

Dear Bucky,

I can already imagine the panic on your face when I hand this to you at the train station this afternoon. I hope you take my assurance that it isn’t a Dear John letter seriously. I just wanted to give you something to read on your long trip to Pennsylvania. A 10 hour train ride to Pittsburgh and then a 2 hour bus ride to New Castle, I think you told me? I know you packed some textbooks but one can only do so much studying in a 12 hour window - you’ll go crazy. And I’d really appreciate it if you returned semi-sane. But I also wanted to circumvent any uncontrollable emotions I may have during a goodbye, no matter how temporary it may be. In short, you’re very welcome.

I know you’re a big brave combat veteran but I also know this training is a big deal for you. It’s all new material, a new place, new people. A lot of change in a really small amount of time. No matter how much you insist that you’re fine, I’ll still commend you for facing this challenge head on. And I’ll be in your corner as long as you’ll let me. Hopefully you’ll be so busy that you forget about any discomfort you may have.

I have to admit, I’m a bit jealous of you. You know how tough work has been the last week. With Anderson piling more tasks on me while he’s been mysteriously out of the office and Flannery being even more strict on how the office is run after the Fourth of July debacle, my job has been exhausting. What I’d give to leave it behind for a while, to learn useful, practical skills. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be - well, I guess I already had my turn, huh? I’m hoping you’ll let me live vicariously through you over the next month. Write to let me know all about what you’re learning and how you’re feeling about it, if you want to. Who knows, you may be able to teach me a thing or two when you get back. But not more than two. That’d be far-fetched. Don’t forget, I did teach you everything you know.

See you in 34 days. That’s doable, right? What am I supposed to do with myself with all this free time? You’ve put quite the cramp in my social life, apparently. I’ll have to see what kind of trouble I can get in without you.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Be good,

Your Girl

July 8, 1946

Sixth Floor,

Gotta admit, you shoving a piece of paper into my hands as you pushed me onto the train did take me by surprise. After the split second of panic I realized you’d miss me too much if you let me go. But in all seriousness, thank you for writing that letter. Kinda felt like I got to carry a little bit of you with me here. That’s cheesy. Nevermind. 

I haven’t written a letter since I was discharged from the army, so I apologize if I’m a little rusty. It’ll be especially strange since my CO won’t be reading it or redacting any information. I’ll have to get Becca to show you some of the letters I sent home - most of the time half of what I wrote had been blacked out due to “sensitive information”. Towards the end of the war my letters were short and sweet, just telling everyone I was alive and okay. I don’t get the impression that the teachers here will have much interest in my mail. Time will tell. But I do remember in the beginning that writing down things that had happened to me over there was helpful. Like I could get a tragic event out of my head with just a pen. Writing down helped make sense of it somehow. Hopefully these letters will have the same effect.

While I technically wrote this on the train, by the time I get this to a post office I’ll have made it to New Castle safely. When I was young we never traveled very far out of the city, so ironically the most “country” I’ve seen was in Europe and it was nowhere near as pleasant as here. Places that have had the ever-loving shit bombed out of them can hardly be called pleasant. Maybe getting out of the city will be good for my head. Like you said, being able to get away from the usual responsibilities to focus only on this training will be a nice break, I think. And a vacation from washing windows. I’m gonna get spoiled.

You called me on my bluff and I like to think I’m an honest man. To be real honest with you. . . I’m nervous. Part of me wonders if I even have what it takes to finish out this training. But I’ll take your word for it. If you think I can do it, you can’t be completely wrong, can you? And don’t worry, the problem won’t be ‘how long will Bucky keep me in his corner’ but closer to ‘will Bucky ever let me OUT of his corner?’. The answer will probably be no. To be determined.

Don’t be afraid to share about your days, too. Maybe it’ll make me a little less homesick, if I get to that point. And I know your days will be infinitely harder without me there by your side. Whatever will you do? I really wish you could be here, though.

33 days better pass quickly, for your sake and for mine. 

Yours,

Bucky

July 12, 1946

Dearest Bucky,

If you can’t actually address a letter with my real name instead of using “Sixth Floor” I’m going to find an embarrassing nickname for you so the postal worker snickers when they hand letters over to you, see how you like it.

It’s been a fairly innocuous week. A quiet one, that’s for sure. Just been trying to keep my head down and avoid Anderson as much as I can. Suzy has dragged me out for dinner and drinks a few times to keep me busy. She says hi, by the way. And she demanded I tell you that if you don’t come back soon, I’m going to drive her crazy with my “mopey-ness”. Also, you owe her a drink for cheering me up while you’re gone - she’ll collect when you return. The other girls are doing great; Alice got married and is moving upstate with her husband, so we’ve got a new girl taking her place. She seems sweet, but extremely shy and quiet. Hopefully she warms up to us soon.

Funnily enough, it’s my turn to write a letter on a train. Earlier this week Mom called and complained about not seeing me often enough since I moved into the city, so I’m on my way to Tarrytown. I hadn’t realized I’ve stayed in town every single weekend since we’d gone steady. Guess I’ve had a good reason to keep my plans open, huh? 

Mom also fished around for when I’d come back next even though I haven’t even arrived yet. In her round-about-way, she hinted that she wants me home for Halloween. I can’t blame her, I’ve never not been home for the festivities. I was going to buy my ticket in advance and began to wonder if I should buy two. One for me, one for you? I mean, if you would like to visit Tarrytown with me the weekend before Halloween? The 31st is a Thursday, which puts a damper on things, but it’ll still be a blast. Mom mentioned wanting to meet this “mysterious new friend” that’s kept me in New York so often.

Since I had the pleasure of meeting your family, I thought I should return the favor and ask if you’d like to meet my parents? If that’s something you’re not comfortable with, I understand being that it’s way ahead of time and a fairly intimate situation. I’m sorry, I’m not being very eloquent am I? You don’t need to make a decision. Just think about it.

How’s it been? Are you getting along with everyone? Tell me everything!

We’re down to 29 days, but that still feels far too long. 

Truly,

My Name is Not Sixth Floor

July 17, 1946

Dear Sassafras,

Buy 2 tickets to Tarrytown. I’m looking forward to spending Halloween with your folks. You’ll have to try a lot harder than that to scare me off.

Have we gone steady? I don’t remember asking you. Did you hypnotize me? Please advise. (Hopefully you can read my teasing tone and not leave me heartbroken as a result of this horrible joke)

Tell Suzy I’ll happily buy her a drink as long as she keeps guys in bars away from you, huh? All is well here. The guys are okay, but they’re not you. No one is you. But chatting passes the time and they’re easy enough to get along with. It’s interesting to see all the different paths that have led us here, all our different motivations. There are people here from all over. I thought I had to travel a long way, but the guy from Maine’s got me beat. His letters take longer to travel too, makes me grateful I get to hear from you fairly often.

I know this doesn’t come as a surprise to you but the training has been tough work. Motor oil is permanently stained into my skin, I’m convinced. But I have to admit that everything you taught me gave me a definite leg-up on most of the other students. I was the only one who could replace a spark plug successfully on the first try. They didn’t believe me when I told them my girl showed me how. Obviously they don’t know my girl.

I was daydreaming the other day about something you whispered to me at Steve’s birthday dinner. It was right after you had finished chatting with Peggy. You kinda tucked yourself into my side when you slid back into the booth, you just grabbed my hand almost wondered out loud, ‘What kind of cake do you like? I wanna know so I make sure you get in on your birthday’. My birthday isn’t even until March, but you were still thinking about me and wanted to have the little bit of info to save for later. The fact that you had ‘for later’ in mind . . .  I think about that a lot.

How are we only at 24 days? Seems like time should be passing faster.

Always,

Bucky

July 22, 1946

James Buchanan,

You’re right, that is a terrible joke. Never do that again or you’ll find I’ve died of a heart attack. Ya big tease.

Speaking of Steve, I dropped by y’all’s apartment on my way home from work to return that book I’d borrowed and we ended up talking for a while. It’s funny, I don’t know if I ever voiced this to you, but he is absolutely nothing that I expected him to be. We were so engrossed in talking about art and literature that I ended up staying way longer than planned, making him late for dinner with Peggy. Hopefully she wasn’t too upset about it. He’s so easy to be around, to let my defenses down with him. I’m really really glad you have him in your life, Bucky. He’s solid, he’s kind, he’s loyal. Knowing him by knowing you has been a treat.

Not to be a downer, but things with Anderson seem to be turning worse. I’m getting up my nerve to talk to Flannery about it. He’s been extra grouchy and demanding. Either he’s raging in his office or he disappears for days at a time. I can’t pick up the slack anymore. And the way he’s been eyeing the new girl - did I tell you her name was Marjorie? I can’t remember - makes me anxious. Something just doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to kick up a fuss, but I’m also reaching the end of my rope and want to look out for the other girls.

Anyway, on to happier things. I remember my hands were covered in all kinds of stains for a while after training, too. Have they taught you to weld yet? That was one of my favorite lessons, welding to fix damage or create a new part. Glad to hear you’re working hard and learning a bunch. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little smug at my having played a small role in your success. I knew you had it in you. Now please don’t prove me wrong out of spite.

You’re such a sweet talker, Barnes, you’re gonna make me shed a tear before this is all over. Of course I think about the ‘for later’s. I like learning the little things about you. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the big picture stuff, we forget about the small details that are even more a part of making us who we are, ya know?

By the way, I’ll kick your ass in 18 days for addressing your letter to Ms. Sassafras Pants. If you won’t properly address, I won’t properly sign. Do you even remember my real name at this point? I got some input from Steve and he recommended a nickname, but it was too offensive for a postman’s eye to put on the outside of the envelope - contrary to popular belief, I do have a reputation to uphold. I’ll let him write it in the postscript. 

Always yours, 

Sixth Floor

(I’d rather be Sixth Floor than Sassafras)

P.S. I only told her to call you a dumbass. -SR

July 27, 1946

Sixth Floor,

I hope you appreciate your proper name on the envelope this time. But please let me keep calling you by your nickname inside. Sound like a deal?

Anderson hasn’t made you feel unsafe, has he? Are you okay? Do I need to send Steve over to teach him a lesson? I trust you’re fully capable of looking after yourself, but a visit from Captain America couldn’t hurt, could it? You know he’d be there in a heartbeat if you asked.  I hope the conversation with Flannery was helpful. Keep your eyes and ears open, your gut feelings are usually right. Lemme know what I can do, I feel useless sitting all the way in Pennsylvania.

 I feel like I’m starting to get overwhelmed by all the information. Training isn’t over for a couple more months, I know that, and having Harvey’s help makes me feel a little better. But some days I wonder if I’m cut out for this. If I’m smart enough for it. Can I even fake it good enough to pass? Sorry for rambling. Just processing, I guess. Don’t know if I could ever say that out loud.

But did you know they’re starting to talk about putting telephones in the radios of cars? Isn’t that crazy? And apparently new models are going to have power-operated windows. Guess the future is coming fast. I’ve also discovered that I hate carburetors with every fiber of my being and they hate me back. The majority of the time it feels good to work with my hands, to keep my brain busy. As an aside, when were you planning on telling me you knew how to weld? Envisioning you handling a welding gun is both adorable and incredibly attractive. Is that too much? Probably. Oh well.

I miss you. 2 weeks left ‘til I’m home. August 10th, please come quick.

Thinking of you,

Dumbass

P.S. Steve - write me letters your damn self if you miss me so much. Dumbass. 

August 1, 1946

My dearest Bucky,

I get to see you this month - that feels so good to say! We’ve almost made it! Given the timing of our past letters this is probably my last one before I get to hug you. I miss you so much, but honestly, writing letters has been fun. Our relationship blossomed from only speaking with our hands and mouthing words, and here we are now, only using the written word. We’ve come full circle, huh?

Truly, I don’t think I’m in danger at work. Just extremely irritated and on guard. I don’t feel the need to involve Steve at this point, or Peggy. Let’s be honest, she could take him down in the most satisfactory way that would definitely tarnish the symbol of Captain America. You’re sweet to worry, though. Just keep listening, that’s all I ask right now.

I had dinner with Becca last night. I hope that’s okay, I don’t want to cross any kind of boundary that would make you uncomfortable. We had such a pleasant time, though. I feel like we are both so very similar, having overcome a lot of the same struggles. We bonded over our parents worrying about us ending up as old maids and the trouble they had with us working rather than homemaking. Your mom sent cookies with Becca. To be fully transparent, I definitely ate the entire sack that night. Think Winnifred will teach me her ways? Also, I had no idea how interesting being a telephone operator is - the stories Becca had to tell about the people she interacts with! She’s a saint and hilarious and I adore her. She also had some incredibly interesting stories about you. . . we should discuss how angry Monopoly makes you. . . I’m tempted to play a game with you, Steve, and Peggy - I’m aware that could rocket us into another world war, but it’d be fun to watch, no? 

I don’t have the words to describe how proud of you I am. I know it hasn’t been easy, I know change can be hard. I know you have doubts. But you are so close to finishing, to reaching a major milestone in your career. I have full faith in you - you can do this. Me, Harvey, Becca, Steve, and everyone else is rooting for you. And if it doesn’t work out, so what? You tried something, you put in work and effort. Finding something you don’t like is just as helpful as finding something you do. You have other options, you always do. I mean, we know you are an impeccable window washer, so. . . Whichever way you decide to go, I’m with you for the ride. 

Only 9 days left. I can’t wait to see you at the train station.

Affectionately yours,

Sixth Floor

August 6, 1946

Darling Sixth Floor,

The more I think about it, the more I realize that being here has been helpful in a lot of ways I didn’t expect. I’ve bounced from being surrounded by family, then an army, the Commandos, and back to family, I haven’t really had space to figure out who I am away from all of that. I’m still working on finding that out, but the breathing room has been. . . enlightening. Is that word too hoity-toity? Probably. Oh well, you can make fun of me for it in a few days. As nice as it’s been to get away from the city, my fingers are itching for New York. Doesn’t hurt that you’re there.

You having dinner with Bec doesn’t bother me a bit. I’m a little worried you’ll like her more than you like me, but I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Whatever she told you about Monopoly is a lie - I did not throw anything, she is the agressive board game addict. Unfortunately as per the Howlies, Peggy and Steve are not allowed to play Monopoly together. We tried when we were snowed in to camp one winter and I’m not exaggerating when I say they almost killed each other. Well, Peggy almost killed Steve. Those nails of hers are lethal, you know.

Ma would be thrilled if you asked her to help you bake, although you will be in danger of her never letting you leave the kitchen ever again. The woman has a lot of wisdom to impart and all the time in the world. This may sound weird but. . . I like you getting along with my family. Not sure why. But it feels nice, having you fit in so seamlessly.

One of the guys recently asked how long we’d been together and I really had to think about it for a second before answering. Not to wax poetic, but it’s strange to me that we’ve only known each other since April. Four months of knowing you and continuing to know you every day. You’re so familiar to my life now, I can hardly imagine a time when you weren’t in it.

Thank you for having faith in me. Thank you for being an encourager. Thank you for opening up this new life to me. The world has only gotten brighter since you walked into that skyscraper all those months ago.

By the time you get this, I’ll probably be within a few hours of home. But as of this moment, I’ll see you in 4 days. I can’t wait.

See you soon,

Your Window Washer

Chapter Fourteen

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