#we're talking barely sentient

[batshaped]

the continued adventures of an internet user who was frozen in 2004 and defrosted in 2021: some things are just the way you left them

previous 2004 internet user comics are here: one, two, three, four, five; or just in my 2004 tag

[ckret2]

Chapter 82 of you can really tell the writer got a new art program this week and went apeshit with it instead of doing anything productive: the Mystery Shack is in terrible peril from the government and only one thing can save them:

Teaching Bill Cipher how to flirt with humans!!

####

The Stans explained the plan to Dipper and Mabel as briefly as possible—that Bill had to save them all by flirting with the head fed—and that was about as far as they got before Mabel started squealing. They wished her good luck with Bill, wished him good luck with Mabel, and beat a hasty retreat, with Dipper tagging along after Ford on the pretense of helping figure out how to get the flash drive out of Gompers.

"This is perfect!" Mabel slammed the door closed—and Bill had the sneaking suspicion she'd trapped him on purpose—then grabbed both his hands to drag him further into the room. "I can see it now! He'll fall in love with you, and then he'll realize that living in a small logging town is so much more emotionally fulfilling than his high-pressure fast-paced big city government job, and he'll see what a special, magical place Gravity Falls is and he won't wanna do anything that could change it, and Washington will call him like, 'Your report is late! Have you forgotten your mission?' And he'll go 'I have a new mission now: my WIFE!' And—"

"Hold on!" Bill pulled his hands back. "I think you skipped the part where you married me off to a government agent."

"No I didn't! Because he says that and everyone gasps and then he gets down on his knee in front of you and pulls out a ring and—"

"In your dreams, star girl." He dropped onto Mabel's bed and crossed his legs. "Think a little less cheesy Christmas romcom, and more noir spy movie with a double-crossing femme fatale."

Mabel measured that up against her limited spy movie knowledge, and asked dubiously, "You're gonna drop him in a tank of sharks?"

"Hey, if you have one...!" Bill laughed. "But, no. The plan is just for me to keep him distracted long enough for the nerd squad to get the flash drive, wipe any sensitive data, and leave it somewhere that'll make the agents think the goat dumped it naturally."

Mabel considered that. She inhaled deeply. "Okay," she said. "But. What if it's one of those movies where the evil girl spy has a change of heart because of the good guy's charm and you do fall in love."

"Do you remember who we're talking about?" Bill asked. "Fine! If we fall in love, you can be the ring bearer, best maid, and officiant—but don't start stapling together a white dress just yet."

Mabel completely skipped past his main point. She whispered, "You'd let me make your wedding dress?"

"I'd turn down every fashion designer in Milan, Paris, New York, and London combined."

Her eyes widened. "I've gotta start drawing wedding dresses." She rummaged around the floor for an unused piece of paper and the nearest crayon and/or marker box.

"Draw me as a triangle," Bill said automatically. "So there, you're caught up on the plan!" He slowly slid off Mabel's bed toward the door. "So if you'd let me out so I can prepare..."

"Ohh no. Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford brought you to me to learn how to flirt, and I'm going to teach you how to flirt."

He groaned, but plopped back down on Mabel's bed. "I don't need to be taught how to flirt! I'm a pro! While your universe was still gearing up for a Big Bang, I was fending off marriage proposals from lovelorn generation ships and sentient oceans."

"You're not seducing ships and oceans." Mabel had already flopped onto the floor and drawn a triangle with an eye, and was trying to figure out how to put a dress on it. "You're seducing a man."

"Which is even easier! You people barely last a century, you're desperate! Humans fling themselves at me left and right!"

"Then you'll have no trouble passing my love quiz."

Bill automatically frowned. There was a part of him that still tensed up at the word "quiz" even if he did know more about romance than the entire human race combined. "What, like the one you put the guys through on your dating show?"

"Yes, but with all new questions! So you can't just copy all of Soos's answers to get a perfect score!"

"Psh! Like I need to copy anyone's answers," said Bill, who had never taken a quiz in his life without copying someone else's answers and had been planning to do just that. "All right, hit me."

"Question one! Uh..." She tapped a crayon to her chin as she thought. "What's the best gift to give on a first date? Jewelry, chocolate, a wedding ring, or flowers?"

"Ooh, we're starting with bribery, huh?" When in doubt, the right answer was usually C; but "jewelry" and "wedding ring" seemed kinda redundant. Well—cheating had never failed him before, why stop now? "None of the above! I've got a better answer than all of them!"

Mabel lowered her crayon to give him a skeptical look. "Oh yeah? What?"

"Sneak into their dreams the night before, find out their heart's desire, and surprise 'em with that," Bill said. "That's not even a romantic move. It'll let you win over a human in any context! Birthday parties, baby showers, job interviews, criminal trials, hostage negotiations..."

"What if you don't know their heart's desire?"

"Then you're not me."

She set down her crayon, laced her hands under her chin, and said, "Okay, then. If you were trying to win me over, what's my dream birthday gift?"

"Replacing your bedroom with a bouncy castle with inflatable furniture."

"Ha! No it's n..." She trailed off. "Wait. Ohmigosh."

"Told ya."

"I've been dreaming too small," Mabel whispered. She shoved aside her first drawing and started drawing her fantasy bedroom.

Bill picked up one of Mabel's dolls—a floppy tiger—and started talking to it like he was lecturing it. Forget this whole "taking a quiz" thing; he was much more comfortable in the roll of the teacher than the student. "And if it's a blind date and I can't stalk 'em beforehand, nobody's ever disappointed by a solid gold brick," he told the doll.  "It's both practical and pretty, and it appeals to humans' natural greed without making them feel sleazy about accepting a wad of hundreds from their date."

"What's Agent Powers's heart's desire?"

Heck. He didn't actually know. He'd ducked in on the guy's life a handful of times, but he'd never needed to pay that close attention to him. What did boring people like? "A really nice leather wallet," Bill said.

"Okay, you're off to a strong start," Mabel said. "Question two: what's the ideal location for a first date?"

"What are my options?"

"Fooey to the options! I wanna hear your thoughts."

"Then that's easy: anywhere they can't escape from until they love you," Bill said. "Even better if you can serenade 'em."

Mabel nodded in approval. "Perfect answer, full points! Every Inkwell princess movie and vampire novel on the market agrees! Question three: best first date outfit?"

"Sexy."

"Okay—yeah," Mabel said, "But specifically, what does that look like?"

"Tallest hat you can find," Bill said.

Mabel waited. Bill didn't say anything else. Mabel said, "What about the rest of the outfit?"

"Bow tie. Outfit complete."

"That's just what you wear."

"And it's always sexy!" Bill insisted.

"Maybe in Flatworld, but this is earth! If you go out dressed in nothing but a hat and a bow tie, you'll be having your date in the back of a police car!"

"Fine," Bill huffed. "Fifty pairs of gloves—and the more of them you have hands to fill, the better! A dress made out of blank checks! Two snakes! A fur coat made out of live kittens!" Bill shook the stuffed doll emphatically with each point. "Good enough?!"

Mabel squinted thoughtfully at him. "The kitten coat has potential."

"Damn me with faint praise, why don't you."

"What about more traditional romantic outfits? Like... a red velvet suit with a leopard print shirt? Or short shorts that say 'too hot' on the butt?" Mabel asked. "Or a t-shirt with your date's face on it in a heart! That shows your date 'I'm here to focus on you!'"

"What if my date's face is ugly, did you think about that?" Bill asked, mainly to cover up the fact that he was chagrined he hadn't thought of the velvet suit himself. "Forget about fashion. Next question!"

"Okay, how would you prepare yourself for the perfect date? Aside from finding a tall hat and stalking your date's dreams."

"Hygiene's the most important thing," Bill said. "Humans are very attuned to pheromones. It's one of your base instincts."

A look of relief cross Mabel's face. "Yes! Good start. So we're talking a shower, or...?"

"Oh yeah, if you're going on a date in this country, you've gotta scrub that skin raw. There is no smell Americans hate more than the natural smell of other human beings." 

Mabel nodded enthusiastically. "Right!"

"And once you've gotten rid of your real scent you've got to make sure you smell appealing. And that means making sure you smell the most! Cover up any competing suitors' scents with your own!"

Mabel made an uncertain hum. "Okaaay, sooo... what would you call an appropriate fragrance for a first date?"

He wasn't sure he liked the sound of the hum. "First date? You've got to make a strong impression, and set the mood for romance," he told the doll, so he didn't have to watch Mabel pass judgment. "So, I'm thinking... decaying salmon, deer pee, and ambergris."

Mabel was silent for an uncomfortably long time. Bill glanced at her. She immediately pulled her sweater up to hide her mouth. Voice strained with suppressed laughter, she said, "You don't think, maybe... floral scents...?"

Who did she think she was laughing at! He directed his attention back to Mabel's doll. The tiger didn't judge him. The tiger thought all his ideas were brilliant. "Is this guy looking for a garden or a girlfriend? I know ninety percent of the soaps and shampoos on the market are designed to make you smell like a fruit salad on the beach, but you humans don't know the first thing about what activates your own monkey-brained reproductive urges! Trust me: decaying salmon, deer pee, and ambergris! They reek of raw sex appeal!"

"What's ambergris?"

"It's a staple fragrance in the perfume industry! Some of the most popular scents in Hollywood have ambergris base notes!"

"Okay," Mabel said, "but what is it?"

"Okay so," Bill said, "when a sperm whale gets so constipated it kills 'em, the rest of its body rots off while the turd floats to the surface, and after it's bobbed around baking in the sun for a few decades—"

Mabel lay a hand on Bill's knee and gently said, "No." 

"Hey, I'm not the one who invented ambergris, that's your species's idea!"

"Bill, I'm sorry. But you've got the best and worst romance ideas with no in between, and you don't know the difference," Mabel said. "But I promise you're in good hands! I'm the best matchmaker in Gravity Falls! I helped hook up Soos and Melody, Robbie and Tambry, Waddles and Gompers, the Hand Witch and that hunky hiker guy..."

He threw Mabel's doll down on the bed, slumped back against the wall, crossed his arms, and sulked. Then he muttered, "But I've got the best ideas?"

"Oh yeah. You're like an untrained romance prodigy! You just need a liiittle help filtering out the diamonds from the coal."

He grunted. Then he grudgingly admitted, "Getting Waddles and Gompers together is pretty impressive. They have complete opposite political opinions."

"See? I'll have you date ready in no time!"

Bill heaved a frustrated sigh. "Fine. But I'd better at least get a killer makeover out of this."

"Definitely! I'm getting an expert on the case!" She pulled out her phone to send a text. Plus, whatever you're wearing tomorrow? I'm bedazzling the crap out of it."

"Good!"

"But first," Mabel said, "Let's talk about your technique."

####

"Lesson one of Mabel's Guide to Flirting With Humans: pick-up lines! First impressions are super important!"

"Pick-up lines are easy," Bill said. "I know a million of them!"

"That's great! Then this should be easy." Mabel pointed at the picture of Creggy G in the middle of her Sev'ral Timez poster, whom she'd designated as their attractive human for Bill's flirting practice. "Try one out." 

Bill sized up Creggy calculatingly, and said, "You know, your eyeballs are so beautiful."

"Yes!" Mabel cheered. "It's romantic! I love it!"

"—and they'd look even better in my mouth."

Mabel stared at Bill.

"What?" Bill asked. "Too forward? Should I save that for the second date?"

The flirting lesson quickly switched track from teaching Bill how to use a pick-up lines, to teaching Bill what pick-up lines not to use.

And from there, the conversation drifted to a list of subjects Bill wasn't allowed to discuss with the federal agent, which necessitated relocating to the living room so Mabel could set up an easel pad and record all the banned topics. Partway through, Stan drifted in and started throwing in his two cents.

The list of banned flirtation topics included: eyeballs; cannibalism; squid kings; dragonfly mating habits; mandibles; the time and method of living people's future deaths; the cold and lonely heat death of the universe ("Why?! It's a perfect excuse to suggest cuddling for warmth!"); fun get-to-know-you questions like "would you rather kill your mother or your father" or "which conspiracy theories would you most hate to be true"; which conspiracy theories were true; the agent's embarrassing middle school secrets that Bill shouldn't have known about but did; the agent's bald spot; cancer flavors; pending global disasters...

Bill flung his hands in the air. "So what does that leave to talk about?!"

"Anything else," Stan snapped.

"The Chuquicamata open pit copper mine."

"Anything normal."

Bill gave him a look akin to that of a vegetarian who'd just been asked to discuss his favorite cuts of beef. "Have you metme?"

"Try topics that get him in the right mindset for romance," Mabel said. "Like, 'what do you want your future wife's favorite color to be?' Or 'you look like dad material!'"

Bill nodded slowly. "So we're aggressively leading him on. I can work with that. I've never been a fan of subtlety."

"And call him charming," Stan said. "Guys love hearing they're charming. Oh, and tell him his jokes are funny."

"What if he doesn't tell jokes."

"All guys tell jokes when they're flirting! If he's not telling jokes, you're doing something wrong."

"It's true," Mabel said. "Watch any high school romance!" Bill gave them both a dubious look.

Stan glanced up as Ford and Dipper walked by the doorway with Gompers. "Tell 'im, Ford."

"What?"

"All men tell jokes when we're flirting! It's probably in our DNA or something."

Dipper thought about that, and nodded. "I tell jokes when I'm flirting."

Mabel shouted, "You try to tell jokes when you're flirting! Heyooo!"

"Hey."

Ford grimaced. "Usually when I'm flirting, I forget every joke I've ever heard and start asking as many questions as I can think of."

Bill said, "That's because you only flirt with things you want to add to your bestiary!"

"The point still stands." 

Dipper had leaned into the room to read the banned topic list. "Why are conspiracy theories off-limits? He came to Gravity Falls in the first place because he was looking for a paranormal conspiracy."

"Dipper's right," Ford said, "he'd probably be interested in the topic."

Bill flung his hands in the air. "Thank you! That's what I was saying!"

Stan shook his head, "Too close to discussing politics. What if they believe in different conspiracies!"

"Plus, watch this," Mabel said. "Hey Bill, what do you think about Flat Earth theory."

Bill groaned. "I was drunk, those statements were taken out of context, and I can't be held responsible if some idiot with a boat misinterpreted me."

Mabel looked at Ford and Dipper.

Dipper grimaced. "Got it."

Ford nodded. "Conspiracy theories are off-limits."

"This is why you're all single," Bill said.

####

Stan said, "And if you're gonna lie about your job—"

"Which you always should," Bill cut in.

"Obviously! But make sure it's not something too easy to verify. Like, you can't claim to be the governor, what if your date actually voted and knows who the governor is?"

"That's a good point! Margaret was not impressed."

"You're telling me! My suit smelled like broccoli cheese soup for weeks!"

"You shoulda suggested she get the house salad."

"Yeah, I—" Stan cut off. "Wait. How do you know about Margaret? That was twenty years ago!"

Dipper and Ford were in the kitchen, looking for every ingredient they could find that might coax Gompers to release the flash drive the old-fashioned way and listening to the discussion in the living room. Gompers nibbled at a dish towel, oblivious to the fate awaiting him.

Mabel trotted in and patted him as she passed. "Hey, you! You're giving us major trouble, you rascal!"

He bleated at her.

Mabel pushed up to the open fridge next to Dipper, and when he stepped aside to make more room for her, she stepped into his personal space again and leaned into him with her shoulder. "Why are you in the way, bro, jeez!"

"You're in the way!" He leaned against her in turn. "What are you doing in here? Aren't you supposed to be training Bill?"

"Grunkle Stan's taking the lead right now," Mabel said. "My talent is helping people find true love! But his talent is suckering someone into liking you for a day. So I think he's better suited to the task at hand."

"Oh, yeah." Dipper chuckled wryly. "His advice will get you a first date, but not a second date."

Ford muttered, "His technique hasn't changed since high school, I see."

Dipper found the bottle of prune juice he'd been looking for, pulled it out, and stepped back. Mabel yelped when her counterweight disappeared and stumbled sideways into the fridge door.

As Dipper emptied the juice into a mixing bowl, he said, "I'm not sure about this plan. Even with both you and Stan helping. I know Bill's good at tricking people, but... he's so annoying. And not in a lovable way."

"Don't undersell him!" Mabel said. She'd retrieved a pitcher of Mabel Juice and was dumping a full bottle of sprinkles into it—hardcore romance training required high stamina. "He has the potential to be a dreamboat!"

Ford muttered, "He's a manipulative, murderous monster." He was searching through all the cans they'd moved to the kitchen counter for beans.

"Those don't have to be mutually exclusive," Mabel insisted. "Serial killers get girlfriends. Sometimes after they're arrested!"

"I'mmm not seeing a dreamboat," Dipper said. "More like a shipwreck. I mean, when you were trying to come up with a list of romantic date foods, he suggested blood licked off your date's teeth."

"And he was right!" Mabel said. "Vampires, bro-bro!"

"Okay, but I don't think he was talking about teeth that were still attached to his date's skull!"

"He didn't say they weren't attached," said Mabel, with flagging conviction that suggested she hadn't considered that and was realizing Dipper was probably right.

"And five minutes ago you and Stan told him he should pretend to be a princess, and he told you he'd be great at that because he started an Internet dating service that matches up lonely widows with overseas con artists pretending to be deposed princes."

"Well," Mabel said sheepishly.

"And then he tried to talk you two into investing in a pyramid scheme to fund his dating service."

"But we didn't invest!" Mabel said.

"Only because you looked it up on your phone and discovered he'd made it up!"

"I mean, until then, it sounded romantic!" Mabel flung her hands out in a wide shrug. (Something about the gesture looked strange to Ford.) "Finding a second chance at love with a mysterious foreign criminal with a glamorous false identity? That'd be great if it was real!"

"Mabel, it's a scam," Dipper said exasperatedly.

"And do scam artists not deserve love, too?!" Mabel pounded a fist on the table emphatically. "What about Grunkle Stan! He deserves love! A rich overseas widow would be perfect for him!"

"That's not— The point is, Bill's not romantic!" Dipper said. "This plan isn't going to work!"

Ford set half a dozen bean cans next to Dipper's mixing bowl. "He doesn't need to be romantic," he said. "He only needs to be charismatic. And for all his flaws, he's certainly that." Planets will orbit stars and black holes just the same—and not even realize the difference. "He doesn't have to actually win Agent Powers's heart. He only has to keep his attention for a few hours. By the time Bill stops dazzling Powers long enough for him to see the red flags, we'll have the flash drive." He nodded toward Gompers. "If we get it before the agents return with a warrant, we might not even need Bill to distract him."

Dipper sighed. "Then let's hope Gompers likes prunes."

"Come on! Show a little faith!" Mabel said.

Ford muttered, "The last time I put my faith in Bill..." Dipper gestured emphatically at Ford in agreement.

"Not in Bill! In me! Mark my words, Grunkle Ford—I'll get this Cinderella ready to meet his Prince Charming if I have to summon every mouse in Gravity Falls to help sew his ballgown!"

"Please don't summon the wildlife again," Dipper groaned. "The last time you did that, huge spiders kept appearing in our room for a week."

Mabel's pocket vibrated; she pulled out her phone and gasped. She chugged down the rest of her juice in three sickly sweet gulps and bolted from the room. "Biiill! Your personal style consultant texted back!"

"My who?"

She dragged him out of the living room by the wrist. "Come on!"

Ford watched them run up the stairs, then started searching through their cereal boxes for the high fiber one. Tentatively, he asked, "Mabel doesn't actually think we're trying to get Bill and the agent together, does she?" The Prince Charming comment was concerning.

"I don't know," Dipper sighed. "A few days ago she started talking about trying to get Bill a love life? Maybe she sees this as a practice round."

"Really? Why, did he say he wants to date people?" If he wanted to get out of the shack to emotionally prey on the locals one-on-one without supervision...

"I don't think she's even told him yet. It's part of her project to... reintegrate him into society? She probably thinks the power of love can rehabilitate him." Dipper sighed. "She's setting herself up for disappointment. He's been conning people into thinking he's a good guy for billions of years, right? If being loved could fix him, he'd be an angel by now."

"Instead, he's just gotten better at pretending to be an angel," Ford said ruefully. "I'm inclined to agree with you." He found the cereal he'd been looking for and set it on the table by Dipper. "But then... we let him live, didn't we? Because we all hope we're wrong. I suppose that doesn't make us that different from Mabel."

Dipper shook his head emphatically. "Not me." He dumped one of the cans of beans into the prune juice a little harder than necessary. "I let him live for two reasons: because of Mabel, and because of that prophecy. And he doesn't have to change to fulfill some prophecy to save us—when it comes, he might just be trying to save his own stupid butt, too."

"I suppose so." Right—of course, even if he'd agreed to spare Bill, Dipper still didn't have any real hope for him beyond his usefulness.

Over the past month, Ford hadn't seen anything more sympathetic out of Bill than Dipper had. He wondered at himself for even being willing to consider Bill might change. When had Ford changed enough to consider it? Or was he just more susceptible to Bill's same old tricks?

"You don't remember the whole prophecy yet, do you?" Ford asked. "What if this is what it was about? Saving our family from the government because he's the only person the lead agent finds attractive enough to distract him?"

Dipper pulled a face. "I hope not," he said. "After everything he put us through? He owes us a fight to the death with an interdimensional eldritch god."

"Now that's a sight I'd pay to see."

####

MABEL: Heyyy Paz, can I ask for a small favor. I have a friend that needs a MAJOR MAKEOVER!! 😿 Like the FULL PRINCESS TRANSFORMATION treatment!! Can you help him?

PACIFICA: Can't, I'm suuuper busy today. I have the lunch shift AND grooming day at the ranch.

PACIFICA: Plus, why would I help some total rando? 😒

MABEL: Because it's my friend with the beautiful golden hair.

PACIFICA: asldkfggh

PACIFICA: OK fine come by the ranch after work

PACIFICA: and send me a picture of his skin next to a white paper so I can grab some foundations to try out.

####

Bill took a piece of paper and a marker, wrote "Make me beautiful!" and dotted the I and the exclamation point with hearts, flopped the least sunburned part of his arm next to the paper for Mabel to take a picture, and leaned away to keep his face out of it.

As Mabel snapped a couple pictures, she said, "Okay, before we visit Pacifica, I have to warn you. She can be a liiittle bit mean when it comes to fashion. So don't get mad at her, okay? It's how she shows she cares!"

"No it's not," Bill said.

"No, it's not," Mabel conceded. "But it doesn't mean she doesn't care. That's just... how she relates to other people! By insulting their fashion, style, and body. And family. And finances."

"Don't worry, star girl. I can take it."

"But I mean, she might be really, really, super mean about your looks," Mabel said. "And you cannot curse her or threaten to turn her bones into flutes or do anything Bill-ish like that. Promise me."

"Hey, bone flutes! That sounds like a fun arts and crafts project, right?"

"Bill!"

"Re-lax, it'll be fine," Bill said. "She's just your garden-variety pageant girl with an overly-critical mom who tried to relive her glory years through her daughter! I can handle a teenage ex-beauty queen. I'm an expert on those types."

Skeptically, Mabel said, "Really?" She was slowly coming to realize that, in Bill's opinion, he was the expert on everything.

"Oh yeah. I spent years eyelid deep in the pageant scene."

"You did?" she said, surprised. "How come? Did you try to trick a beauty pageant into building your portal or something like that?"

Bill stared at Mabel.

####

Outside the flat hospital, it was a beautiful, peaceful morning. The air was clear, the unseen sun was shining brightly from some unknown dimension, and some 2D equivalent to a bird was chirping in some 2D equivalent to a tree.

And then the hospital doors crashed open with such force that passing shapes momentarily suspected that someone had set off a bomb.

"—don't give me that look, if you'd hustled your hypotenuse and had your birthday yesterday, we wouldn't be in such a rush! You're just lucky you came out so cute, or—" An exhausted, dull pinkish triangle charged out the doors with a very tiny, squishy yellow triangle in her trembling arm. She turned to shout behind her—"Hurry up! There's only two hours until the Best Baby Pageant and he is not going to miss it!"

—and was followed closely by a horrified blue triangle carrying a hat in one hand and a cane in the other. "But Scalene, the doctors still have to do those tests to check for—"

"They can test him later! If he's got some horrible birth defect, he'll still have it after he's won a trophy!" Without slowing, Scalene turned and held the baby out toward the other triangle. The squishy new shape gawked at him in mild befuddlement. "Look at this kid, Euclid! Most newborn brats look like cranky raisins, but he's less than an hour old and he's already bright-eyed and smooth-sided! He was born with the face of a pageant winner—"

Not looking where she was going, she ran into a tree. The bird flew off in a panic, Scalene lost her balance, and she nearly dropped the baby. Euclid caught him, caught her, and held her steady while she leaned dizzily against the tree. "Lene. You should be on bedrest right now. Maybe we should just, you know, take a moment to process..."

"Process what! We have our little angle. Am I supposed to sit in a hospital bed staring at the afterbirth?!"

While Euclid stared at her in shock, she snatched the child back, pushed him away, and wobbled back upright. "What kind of a lazy mother would I be if I was sleeping instead of making my child a winner! You want him to start off life on the right foot, don't you?"

Defeated, Euclid said, "All right. I'll take care of the... the paperwork. At least bring your cane."

"I don't need it. I'm fine."

"Fine?! You just..." He gestured at her, gestured at the brand-spanking-new baby, gestured at her again, then flung his hands up in defeat. "If you drop our baby, I'm divorcing you."

She sighed huffily. "You're so dramatic." But she snatched the cane out of his hand anyway and stormed away, declaring loudly enough that shapes on the other side of the street turned to stare: "If the mayor doesn't declare my Billy the greatest baby in the whole godforsaken world, I'm grabbing the biggest trophy in the room and bashing his eye in!"

####

Bill shrugged at Mabel. "Sure," he said. "Something like that."

####

Gompers stared down at the bowl set on the floor in front of him.

It contained black beans, broccoli, coffee grounds, fiber-enriched whole-grain cereal, oatmeal, and an avocado and half a sweet potato mashed together into an orange-green mush, all stewing in a prune juice soup.

Gompers looked up.

Dipper and Ford were crouched across from him, watching expectantly. 

Gompers bleated balefully at them.

"Go on!" Ford nudged the bowl closer. "It's good for you."

Gompers knew a lie when he heard one. He turned his nose up at the mix.

"I don't get it," Dipper said. "He eats everything. What's wrong with this stuff?"

"I haven't a clue."

"Maybe it's the broccoli?" 

Ford gave him a quizzical look. "Why broccoli?"

Dipper shrugged. "I don't like broccoli, I don't know why he would."

"Hmm." Mystified, Ford propped his chin in his hand and stared into Gompers's eyes. Gompers stared back. Gompers stared into his soul. Gompers didn't blink.

Ford was dragged from this session of nonconsensual soul-searching by the sound of footsteps and Mabel's voice drifting down the stairs: "Listen, you know I love your sense of fashion! All I'm saying is everyone loves kittens, but snakes? That's a pretty niche fashion market! You're not gonna get a lot of takers."

"No, hey, hear me out," Bill said. "I listened to your professional matchmaker advice, now you've got to listen to my professional heartbreaker advice. You'll thank me for this one day! This is my number one romance tip: if you wanna impress a date, strap cobras to your arms and call yourself 'Johnny Cobra-Arms.' It works every time. Guaranteed."

(Dipper snorted.)

"Whaaat? No way," Mabel said. "Seriously, what?"

"It's true! I workshopped this! I've experimented across parallel timelines! It works."

"Quit messing with me, Bill."

"You think I would ever mislead you? No. Picture this." As the pair turned the corner on the stairs, Bill was spreading his hands in front of himself as though gesturing to the scene he wanted Mabel to imagine. "You see a guy, maybe a year older than you, kinda cute but nothing to write home about, maybe a 6/10. Got him in your mind's eye?"

A look of intense concentration crossed Mabel's face as she engaged her Imagination. "Yeah?"

"Okay, now imagine he—" Bill reached the bottom of the stairs and looked around. "Where are my shoes." He raised his voice, "Who moved my fisshoes! I left them right— oh, there they are." He disappeared into the living room. "Imagine your 6/10 has two big snakes wrapped around his arms. And he catches your eye from across the club, comes up to you, and says..." Bill's voice dropped to a pitch that was nearly in the range of an average adult human male, "'Hey. Name's Johnny Cobra-Arms. What's yours?'"

Mabel thought about it. Her eyes slowly widened in amazement. "Oh my god, it would totally work on me."

Bill re-emerged into the entryway, fish shoes donned. "See?" 

"It made him hot! What the heck, how did that happen!"

"See?! It works every time!" He shouted toward the kitchen, "Hey, we're leaving for Alpaca's! I'm taking the car!"

"No you're not," Ford said.

Bill spread his hands in a shrug. "Worth a shot!" He grabbed his umbrella and the magic friendship bracelets from the coat rack and waited for Mabel to open the door. "See, it's the best possible first impression. It shows he's got a sense of humor, he's quirky, he's a little bit dangerous, he's got a great sense of fashion, he's a world traveler, he's good with animals..." The door swung shut behind them. 

The way Bill had shrugged stuck in Ford's mind. 

In his true form, Bill didn't have shoulders. His arms extended out of his sides like the trunks of saplings extending from the surface of flood waters, and they glided around his perimeter in a way that defied conventional physical biology. No joints. 

When he shrugged in his human body, sometimes he'd bob his shoulders up and down in a deliberate mimicry of how humans performed the gesture; and lately, as Bill got used to moving his new body, Ford had seen him sluggishly raise a shoulder when he was too exhausted to gesture more expressively. But most of the time, he shrugged like he still didn't have shoulders. He'd spread his arms, bend his elbows, usually forming a W shape but sometimes when he was particularly emphatic forming a shape like football goalposts, and if he really wanted to make his meaning clear he'd twitch his upturned palms up the way a human would twitch their shoulders.

He did it all the time. He'd done it just now. The gesture was so natural on Bill that Ford had never realized how unnaturalit was on a human—until he'd seen Mabel make the exact same gesture earlier.

She was copying Bill's body language. He wondered if she knew.

He'd have to keep an eye on that.

"Hope Agent Powers is into snakes," Dipper muttered.

Ford laughed—then wondered whether someone pulling the Johnny Cobra-Arms trick would've worked on him. If by now nothing had made him take an interest in a basic, garden-variety human being, he doubted anything could... but, admittedly, he'd at least consider hanging out with Johnny. He sounded like an intriguing character. "If that's the worst thing Bill subjects him to, he'll be getting off light."

With a twinge of guilt, Ford realized just how true that was. Ford was no stranger to having to turn down the volume on his conscience for the greater good—and there were few greater goods than protecting his family—but...

He might not know Powers, but he did know that, whether Bill succeeded in seducing him or not, the man didn't deserve what he was about to be subjected to.

####

(Now that this chapter's finally out, may there be no further delays for a good long while, ugh.

Here's your "what was changed in the wake of TBOB" update: obviously, since we got five whole pages on Bill's beliefs about romance, a lot of that got incorporated into this chapter—the first and last scenes were basically written entirely in response to TBOB.

The scene with Scalene & Euclid, obviously, got their names & descriptions from TBOB & TINAWDC (and yeah, yeah, i'm eventually gonna go back to earlier chapters and edit out Bill's mom being a line so it matches up with canon), and it's obvious what the "best baby pageant" is a reference to (so you can guess whether Bill won)—but Bill being a pageant kid due to his mom was already part of the plans long before TBOB, so I just stuck a couple canon details into the story I was already writing. We were already gonna get into Bill's childhood this chapter & next (as you'll see next week).

Beyond that, most of the chapter was already in its present form before TBOB—up to & including Bill having a list of topics he thinks are acceptable for dates that no rational human would agree with—and all TBOB added was a couple tiny details (like... "mandibles".)

The fact that the list of things that were influenced by TBOB is so much longer than usual is part of the reason this chapter's two whole weeks late lmao.

Anyway, hope y'all enjoyed, happy new year, and I'm looking forward to (finally) hearing your thoughts on the first fresh chapter of 2025!

[delusionalalien]

[Embrace You, Devour You] [Chapter 3] YANDERE!Mark Grayson x Fem!Reader x YANDERE!Variant!Invincibles

The best i can describe this story is, boring, for the lack of better words. But hey, i like writing garbage and giving people brain aneurysm #make-the-plot-on-the-spot

prologue

previous chapter , next chapter

T.W / Tags: Slow-burn, Soft yandere, Pining, mark is bat shit crazy but he good dw, baby-trapping, teen pregnancy, yandere variants, mark a lil pushy, breeding kink, jealous Mark Grayson, misunderstandings, prob need more tags

You expected your Father to walk in your room, not Mark standing besides your bed like a creep.

Sometimes you feel like your mother hates you. Not downright abuse just enough to show that she was always thinking about how she can ruin your day. You didn't willingly sign up for your schools summer class, they we're for kids who failed, for insufferable academic tryhards to get ahead of the other students, and for adults to earn extra cash.

Your mother who goes by the hero name Crusher, left for a duo mission abroad with Omni-man, and signed you up for a month of summer classes.

Arguing that you, her daughter who does nothing at home, who has a small friend group, and a general homebody, would sneak off during the middle of the night to party at some dudes house. Afraid that she won't be there to scold you and drag you back home by the ear.

Because you recently turned 13, and girls your age are curious of the world beyond the walls of their home. Her words seems to reflect her more than it did to you, and your father shares the same sentient. Pointing it out which caused her to glare at him. Promptly shutting up a past she never wants to share.

Your father then argues for his right of daddy-daughter bonding month, he had prior plans to take you out camping and hiking in the mountains, but her words are final.

a stab to your fathers gentle heart.

"It's only for a month, you both will live."

She shrugged it off and blasted off, not before she gave you and your disappointed father kisses. Promising souvenir's and food from countries you'll never be able to visit.

Today was like any other day of the year when it was summer, the AC turned on to the max, your room cold with you buried in your blankets with the anime you've been watching finally coming to an end.

Skipping one day is not big deal, your father don't mind at all as long as you both kept it hush hush around your mother.

And you deserved the break from enduring for this long in the summer heat after all.

Kicking the blankets off you. You lazily rolled off the bed, yawning as you sluggishly walked over to the TV mounted on the wall and turned it off.

It was way to cold in your room, your bare feet kissing the ice cold carpet and you shivered. Regretting not wearing socks.

You glanced at the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of Mark in his room playing his Gameboys like any other day when he waits for you to wake up, but his curtains were drawn close again. You weren't stupid. Mark has been ignoring you after you lied to him about liking Todd, because you were afraid to tell him the truth.

of course it was going to be awkward. Like Todd? You could have said some other guys name and he'd probably wouldn't bat an eye! Why did you have to blur out his name of all things?

You had screamed into your pillow that night until you passed out.

Your face hit the mattress, groaning into your messy bed. Heart aching for him, to see his face, hear his voice and my god you desperately wanted to hold his hand in yours while watching shows or reading comics.

Just thinking about him gave you butterflies. His stupid dorky smile, and his stupid laugh, the way his dark eyes twinkled as he attentively listens to you talk about your recent fixation he had every right to not listen to, but he did. he always did, no matter how boring of a topic it was.

You held your pillow tightly, screaming into it as you body shakes. Your legs kicked the air as you toss and turn in your bed.

"Damn you, Grayson!" you hissed, face warm as you try to calm your racing heart.

You sighed loudly, burying yourself into the comfort of your bed. Nearly falling back to slumber if it weren't for the door opening and closing with a soft click.

Must be your dad coming in to check on you. You made no attempts to look at your father, waiting for him to say something outrageous like when he admitted he already knew how much you love mark.

You've never seen that man panic in your entire life when you stormed back into your room and slammed the door shut right in his face. Snacks left outside your door with dinner Prepare and left for you to eat as an apology for teasing you.

"Dad, can you leave please? I don't wanna talk to anyone right now."

"uh, hey (name)? "

you have never bolted up from your bed as fast you have before. There he was, standing over your bed like a creep, your creep, a sheepish smile on his face as he awkwardly stood there, watching you.

"Mark! Hi! I, what, I didn't know you were here!" you sat on the edge of your bed, a little too eager to greet him. God, play it cool.

"Uh yeah, you were still asleep from watching all those shows last night." Mark said, "I didn't want to disturb you or anything."

You leaned back, blinking slowly, heat creeping to your cheeks a little embarrassed by the way he smiled softly as he spoke.

"I, I didn't know you were awake last night. You didn't knock on my window... We could have hangout, ya'know?"

Mark seems stun, like that wasn't an option at all when it comes to your friendship. He cleared his throat, shaking the nerves as he casually sat on the edge with you.

"I wasn't feeling well, and uh," Mark cleared his throat, "your dad wants me to hang out with you."

"We can do anything you want."

Tilting your head you were too well aware of your surroundings, his scent, the way he breathes and the way his eyes was staring at you in an intense emotional connection.

You try to create a gap between you two, fearing he may hear the rapid beats of your heart. God, the way he makes you feel was wonderful as it is scary.

Mark, noticed the slight gap between you two, and he feel his heart ache in hurt.

You never leaned away from him before.

All because you like, Todd. Was that it?

Just because you like Todd now, you suddenly want to distance from him now? Mark thinks it's unfair that you we're throwing away your friendship with him. You and him we're together the day you two met, why were you throwing it all away for your bully?

For your stupid crush?

You fought back anything that was cringe worthy, choosing to fake cough a few times when Mark stares at you, ignoring that he looked absolutely livid and pushed a strand of your hair behind your ear.

"D-do you wanna play Mario Kart with me?"

It came off as a whisper, too flustered and shy. You felt like punching yourself in the face and deleting your entire existence.

It took Mark a second to reply, hesitant, as if trying to see if he could offer something else to do with you. Slowly he nods.

"Yeah," Mark wore a smile it didn't reach his eyes but you were too over the moon to even notice anything astray.

"Let's play Mario Kart."

-

note : SCHOOL IS KICKING MY ASS THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FINISHED YESTERDAY #CULINARYSTUDENTSUFFERING, #HOSPITALITYMANAGEMENTTHINGS, why can't college pay for all of these things, huhu im going crazy-

Crazy? i was crazy once, they lock me in a room, a rubber room, a rubber room full of rats, and rats make me crazy. Crazy-

[invis-o-william]

Dannymay 2025 - Day 19: Enemy

Danny couldn't take it anymore.

Sitting at the dinner table, hearing his parents rant on about ghosts for the hundredth time in as many days, was too much.

“Those pieces of ectoplasmic scum…”

“Evil remnants of post-human consciousness.”

“Rip them apart, molecule by molecule!”

Jack emphasized his statement, swinging his fork wildly. Danny flinched back as a drop of tomato sauce hit the tablecloth. He was on his own when it came to dinners anymore. Jazz had left for college a few months ago, and with her went her ability to keep their parents from excessively talking about their hatred of ghosts. 

She had managed to keep some of it at bay, claiming that it was the least she could do to help him. A large part of him wished she was still here, but he would never want to hold her back from her dreams. When she first left he figured he'd just have to endure his parents at mealtime, and if he could do that, he'd be fine. It's not as if his parents really left the lab for anything but meals and ghost hunting anymore. He barely spoke to them outside of dinner.

The reality was far different. The fact that their children were growing up seemed to hit the Doctors Fenton as their daughter settled into college, and they decided to spend more time with their son as a result. Now Danny saw his parents for two meals a day, and for at least an hour after school.

They had tried to ask their son about his day, his friends, and the like, but soon it became clear that they were bored with those topics. Jack and Maddie had never been great conversationalists after all, always preferring to speak about their work when possible. 

So that's exactly what they did. They began to talk with Danny about ghost-hunting. In excruciating detail. This would range from their theories on what made ghosts tick to their plans for ghost dissection once they caught a ‘more sentient’ one. 

For this evening meal, the popular topic of ‘the evils of ghosts’ had started up, and Danny was tired. He was tired of feeling scared and unsafe in his own home, and maybe tonight he could work on changing that.

“What if, like, ghosts are different than you think?” He asked cautiously, keeping his gaze fixed on his plate of spaghetti. “You don't know for sure that they're evil, right? Or that they can't feel pain. You've never caught one that could talk after all.” 

Danny chanced a look up only to find his parents’ concerned looks.

“We don't need to catch one to know what they are, dear.” Maddie pulled her HAZMAT hood, which she had absently kept on off her head. “Their existence alone proves it.”

“Right!” Jack interjected with gusto. “They're just ectoplasmic copies of post-human consciousness that assumes human form! Their whole purpose is deception!” Maddie nodded along with her husband before passing the pasta bowl over to him for seconds.

“But,” Danny ground his teeth in frustration. “you don't know that! Have you ever even talked to a ghost? Tried to figure out why they keep coming to Amity Park?”

Danny had spent two long years now since The Accident doing just that. At first, he had just fought the ghosts who had shown up, but with time he learned. There were always some ghosts who were just looking for a fight, but others? So many others just wanted the freedom to indulge in their Obsessions. So he would talk to those who were willing. Those with non-destructive Obsessions he left alone (so long as they didn't harm anyone), and for others like Spectra, he was more than willing to utilize his ghostly allies to keep them away.

“Of course we know why they're coming here, Dan-o!” Jack boomed. “Ever since the portal activated, they've been trying to get their hands on us Fentons for trying to explore their realm! We ghost hunters are their natural enemies after all”

“Which is why you should never talk to or even approach a ghost young man,” Maddie scolded. She and Jack were well aware of their children's sympathies towards ghosts, and we're hoping to educate them to the contrary.

Danny stared in stunned silence before silently nodding and returning his attention to his plate. Neither Jack nor Maddie seemed to notice he wasn't eating, just picking at his food. They were too busy boasting about their abilities to hunt ghosts to see the look of grim determination on their son's face.

.   .   .

Later that night, after his parents had gone to bed, Danny intangibly floated down to their basement lab. There, weapons and what looked suspiciously like torture devices were strewn about tables. Some were finished, with notes scribbled on random pieces of paper and post-its detailing their use. Others were still in pieces with odd wires sticking out from handles.

With a glance towards the ceiling where his parents were sleeping just two floors up, Danny made a decision.

With a charged ectoblast, he incinerated the tech. Ghost hunters were his enemy right? He had tried talking to his parents, both in human and ghost form. Talking hadn't worked, and it was well past time he started protecting himself from them.

[earlgreylatte]

so... for the EDS "Another you" fic I had a scenario in my head (this is not a request I just want you to hear me out)

I like to imagine where Sinister!Singularity never left Sinister!Mark. I just don't like the thought of the siblings getting separated (Like that one tiktok trend: "Do you think we're siblings in every universe?" type of shit)

So it's just the two Viltrumite siblings being a chaotic evil duo together. Until, y'know, Sinister!Mark gets kidnapped makes a deal with Angstrom Levy and they get separated anyway :((

Okay, okay, I’m hearing you out, and I get it!

I actually have something I’m working on in my drafts for the sinister siblings, so I’ll just share this instead;

Sinister Mark is sadistic and violent.

Sinister Singularity is delusional and violent.

I kinda point to this when Singularity mentions EXP, but she is the definition of 8th grader syndrome, she never outgrew that edgy middle schooler phase, she is BATSHIT.

Girl is so consumed by media, she views the world as an actual video game where she’s the protagonist, she is emulating that lone warrior character (poser battle beast), the reason she will not lose any fight is because that’s a possibility that never crosses her mind because she’s that delusional—

Even sinister mark is side eyeing her!

She’s so stuck in her fantasy world that she barely perceives the people around as sentient beings capable of thoughts and desires, making her a more callous character. She’s so absorbed in that fantasy levelling plot, that she only cares about the grind. She broke Mark’s arm for trashing talking her favourite web novel once!

Like I don’t think she’d notice sinister mark disappearing because she would be long gone, messing around in space!! Probably eventually dies to that one virus—-

But let’s make her like 25% less delusional and more into Shounen jump—and a sibling duo could work!

(Sinister Singularity: That’s right, no matter what we face, as long as we have each other, we will fulfill our dreams because WE are nakama—-

Sinister Mark: KILL YOURSELF WEEB)

Their dynamic would be murderous younger brother and always monologuing LARPER older sister LMAOO

Sinister Mark after being one of the last variants left after eating the rest, seeing his loser old sister appear, monologuing about bonds and timeskips: I should have been eaten first…

[evilminji]

Okay it's continued to bug me? >.>

Midi-chlorians. They exsist in symbiosis, right?

Theoretically using us as a host to live and populate in, in return for the sweet ability to feel the Force goodness? Interact with it maybe. They vibin.

But like?

....has? Has?? Anyone tried meditating at THEM?

Yeah, THROUGH them, you can connect with The Force. Cosmic Wonders etc. Taste the time particles. But that is A->B->C with you being A and the Force being C. Like connecting over the internet. But? In that analogy? Has anyone tried to talk to the COMPUTER?

They can "talk" to animals. Trees. Kyber.

Surely their OWN midi-chlorians would be receptive?

Little confused at first, probably. Because that's not how they usually function. But? Hey! New trick! We would like more iron in your diet please! And that guys Vibez? Rancid. You should get more hugs! :D ×10 trillion micro-organisms (in cheerful, teeny tiny, lil barely there Squeeky Voices, probably)

Cause like? All things are possible in the Force. But? Sometimes being IN a reality? Means you accept a certain consensus. One that might not be TRUE. Such as? "You can not TALK to midi-chlorians" and "you can not encourage them to multiply, thus RAISING YOUR OWN FORCE SENSITIVITY"

A WISE experiment? Fuck no. It was probably really stupid.

And "talk" is a strong, anthropomorphizing sort word in this context.

But STILL! For not technically sentient microorganisms? They are doing a GOOD JOB! We are very proud! And hey, it taught us so much! Like? How to ASK stuff! Such as?

"Aren't you TIRED? Just completely DONE with this guys rancid vibes and poor eating habits? Don't you want to LEAVE? Maybe make a cool new Force baby? My buddy Anikin Skywalker was a force baby! This Sheev guy keeps using you for wack shit. You gonna take that? Put up with his SHIT?"

.....heeeey, wait a minute.... O:< she's RIGHT! They DON'T have to put up with this! Thanks, bestie! We're gonna leave! *the CHANCELLOR OF THE FUCKING REPUBLIC explodes*

[thescarletnargacuga]

OOOH CARNIVAL FICS?

Boy, I have a thing for you!

I've recently fallen in love with the song "Kiss me (Kill me)," and it gave me an idea.

You know when sm-baby mentioned how Pomni may be the final boss? Well... Pomni loses control after Caine beating Kinger's level, it results in a battle between Caine... And Pomni...

Towards the very end her sentience returns for a brief moment to aid him.

But... Results in her tragic end.

Leaving Caine heartbroken.

- Fowl Anon

A/N: how devastating...

GAME OVER

A TRAGIC CARNIVAL AU SHOWTIME ONESHOT

Carnival AU credit: @sm-baby

WARNING: HEAVY angst, hurt/some comfort, digital violence, main character death, non-sentient Pomni

~~~

The King fell from his throne with a heavy thud. It was over. It was finally over. Caine stood shakily next to the dethroned King boss. Pomni was hiding in the curtains that separated the room from the main hallway. A heavy silence filled the room as they processed what they had just done.

Caine was still trying to catch his breath when he looked around for Pomni, seeing her peak from her hiding spot.

"...you did it." She said in quiet astonishment as she stepped out into the open. A wide smile slowly grew. "You did it!" She cheered as she ran to Caine, arms open.

Caine barely registered in time she was going to hug him before impact. "Oof! Ha...yeah...I guess I did." He side eyes Kinger as he embraces Pomni. Something still felt off. He couldn't figure what was bothering him in the back of his mind, but it felt like a memory trying to make its way through the blackout.

Pomni's smile faltered. A faint green glow circled her irises before being blinked away. She couldn't move.

"What..? Oh, come on! Not again!" Sentient Pomni groaned inside her own head.

Pomni whispered to Caine. "Well done, player. Your final reward awaits you in the Circus." She gave him a seductive smirk as she pulled him towards the curtains by the hand.

"Uuugh...you know, I don't need you to keep flirting with him. We're already sorta...uh, actually, I don't know what we are-"

Caine blushed. Being completely distracted by the look in her face, he misses her calling him Player. "Of- of course, Pomni, but I feel I should tell you that I don't really care about the award. Whatever it is. I'm just happy your friends are free of the madness."

"Trust me, you'll enjoy this." Pomni stepped back into the darkness beyond the curtains. A look of mischievous glee on her face.

Sentient Pomni didn't know what the program was talking about. There was nothing past Kinger. HE was the final boss. The game credits should be rolling or something. Where were the ending cutscenes? Why did everything still feel the same?

Caine's mind raced, trying to figure out what she was talking about. He stopped himself before it went places that would defy the game's E rating and followed Pomni into the loading screen for the hallway.

Some things are too good to be true...

Caine took a deep breath, happy to be out of the Kings court, but a sense of bittersweetness hit him. He's done. He and Able can leave... but what about Pomni? She can't leave. Maybe he could come back? Maybe the game would work properly now that everyone's madness has been corrected? He squeezed his teeth shut at the overwhelming thoughts.

He needed to talk this through with her, he knew that much. They've grown close. He cares for her. He didn't want to just leave. "Pomni- ...Pomni?" He opened his teeth to find himself alone in the hallway. "Maybe she's taking longer to load in?" He waited. She never came.

Band organ music came from the far end of the cavernous hall, playing a showtime tune. It eerily echoed to Caine like a circus siren's call. Caine followed the music cautiously. "Pomni..?" It came from behind Pomni's door, light shining from beneath. With no other options on what to do, he opened the door and stepped through.

Welcome to the show

Caine entered the tent to applause, lively music playing and spotlights flashing around the unseen audience. He hasn't seen the circus so lively since his performance in level one.

Around the center ring were figures Caine couldn't quite make out, the bright spotlights blinded him with every pass. He got closer. The figure nearest him was moving erratically.

"Caine!! Caine, it's a tra-mmph!!" Able tried to warn his brother, only to be silenced by a dancer's ribbon wrapping his cards together.

The lights stopped. The music stopped. A single spotlight came on over a figure on the high tightrope. "Tsk...tsk...why must you spoil the surprise?" A high feminine laugh fills the big top.

More lights come on over the restrained figures around the center ring. Ragatha. Gangle. Jax. Zooble. Kinger. All bound in chains along with Able.

"Pomni!? What's going on??" Caine was mortified, seeing the malicious grin on her face. His head hurt. The foreign memory feels closer.

"Congratulations, Player. You've defeated everyone who stood in my way. Now, this is MY Carnival! MY SHOW! And you..." She chuckles darkly. "...are no longer required."

"CAINE! I'M SORRY! I CAN'T STOP THIS!" Sentient Pomni screamed from inside, fighting back as hard as she could.

"The secret boss..." Caine said to himself. "You....no..." It was in the game files he read before he ever entered to find his brother. Information that was stored in Bubble, but never knew the true identity of the boss. Only that they existed. "Pomni, don't do this!" He pleaded.

"WELCOME TO YOUR GRAND FINALE!!" Pomni raised her arms and the circus became vibrate neon. Every color was an attack on the senses. Loud music blared. NPC circus performers and toy-like life sized animals emerged from backstage. It was a flurry of movement that disoriented Caine.

A massive health bar, one ever larger than Kinger's, appeared in Caine's lower field of vision. She was not Pomni. She was THE JESTER.

An elephant with performers atop it rampaged at Caine. He dove out of the way just in time. He looked back up at the tightrope. The Jester was gone. He has to keep moving. Every step he took, another performer was attacking him. "POMNI! STOP! I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT YOU!!"

Multiple confetti canons aimed and fired. Caine's preacticed reflexes kept him clear of each shot as he searched for Pomni in the chaos. He dodged flying balls and colorful performing horses. He didn't see the arial silk performers swinging at him, and he was struck in the chest.

Caine rolled across the circus floor, slamming into one of the poles supporting the tightrope. He struggles to get to his feet, winded from the hit. Someone stood before him, he looked up to see the Jester glaring down at him. She grabbed his collar and pulled him to his feet with unknown strength.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please, don't hurt him!" Sentient Pomni begged.

"Then take your final bow, Player. Because everything ends here." She threw him away from her in time for a trapeze to swing low and knock him to the far side of the circus.

Caine lost a whole third of his health. Tears brimmed his eyes. This was too much. Everything was happening at once. He wasn't ready for this.

He tried to run for the door.

He slammed into it as it refused to budge.

"Nuh-uh-uh, Player." The Jester giggled. "There is no escaping me." She sent a flurry of streamers to entangle her prey.

Caine moved quickly from the door, outrunning the streamers as they reached for him.

Pomni grunted in frustration. "Stop moving!" She pointed to Caine, confetti canons ready to fire.

Caine ran around until he stood between the Jester and a canon. "I'm sorry..." He dove out of the way in time for a shot of violent confetti to smack the Jester off her feet.

"Ah!" Sentient Pomni screeched from the hit. She could still feel everything happening to her body.

The damage to the boss Jester was minimal, but Caine felt a rock in his stomach having to hurt her. Tears made it hard to focus. "I'm sorry!" He ran for a trapeze pole to get away from the chaotic movement on the ground.

The Jester wiped her lip, cackling. "Yes, Player! Fight back! Give the audience a show they'll never forget!"She raised her arm and a swinging performer grabbed her to move her up.

Caine found himself where this all started; on a small platform, high above the circus, Pomni opposing him, but instead of performing together...he was meant to defeat her. His chest felt tight. "Pomni! I know you're in there! It doesn't have to be this way! There's always a choice!"

Sentient Pomni cried from inside her prison. "Not this time..."

The Jester grinned. "Win or lose. That is your choice, Player."

Caine looked down at his brother. Able was still bound, desperately fighting the restraints.

Defeat the Jester, and he and Able are free.

Die, and Able and the others live in the Jester's world forever.

Caine clenched his fists. He glares at the Jester with mournful anger. "I'll find a way! I'm not finishing this without Pomni!"

The Jester let out a shrill laugh. "Then you are a greater fool than you seem!" She leapt from her platform to grab a trapeze. The audience cheered as the Jester did a flip to the next trapeze to get closer to Caine.

An idea came to him. He grabbed the trapeze hooked to his side and swung. The Jester spun midair to catch another swinging trapeze when Caine came up high and clothes lined her with his leg.

"Ack-!" The Jester was struck in the neck and missed the bar. She was caught by another passing aerialist.

The crowd booed and a good chunk of the Jester's health bar went down.

"Goodness, that worked!?" Caine gasped as he landed on a platform.

Sentient Pomni groans, instinctually rubbing her neck. Then she suddenly felt less restricted. "Huh?"

Green and blue pixels distorted the Jester's eyes, she shook it off. "ARGH!" The Jester growled, kicked the NPC off of her and swung herself at Caine.

Caine dove for a passing silk and arched with it at the oncoming Jester. He twisted his silk with hers, preventing her from doing anything impressive.

The crowd booed harder.

"NO!!" The Jester snarled, trying to get her silk swinging again. Her health went down more. "NO!! MY PERFORMANCE WILL NOT BE RUINED!!" She jumped from the silk to a passing elephant, doing a handstand. She got a few cheers and her health increased some.

Sentient Pomni slammed herself against the borders of her mind. With each hit she felt movement in her own fingers again. "You can't hold me! I'll make sure you fail!" One more good try and her arms glitched out on the hand stand, dropping the Jester on her face.

Caine saw the glitches. "Pomni!! Keep fighting!" He swung himself to trapeze and gained some speed to fly kick at the Jester.

The Jester sat up on the elephant in time to see a boot flying at her face. She tried to duck, but she glitched back up.

BAM!!

The Jester fell backwards off the elephant to the dusty floor outside the ring. The Jester glitched and pixelated severely. Health dropping, Pomni fought hard for control. "Caine! Please!! End this- NO! I will have what is due! I am the Ringmaster now- CAINE!!" Pomni the Jester's eyes flashed between blue and green. Glitches distort their appearance and voice.

Caine had landed nearby and watched the horrific ordeal Pomni was facing. "Pomni, I can't! You- I don't want to defeat you! Regain control!"

"She's too- YOU WILL NOT STOP ME!!" The Jester got up faster than Caine could react. Her eyes blazed green as she shoved Caine over the edge of the ring. He fell backwards into the path of the stampeding animals and performers. "NOOO!!"

Caine was trampled by zebras and clowns on pogo sticks. He crawled as far as he could out of the way but took serious damage. His health was in the red. He planted as he crawled for the pole ladder. He glared back at the Jester. "You want me? ...come and get me."

"Caine! Don't!" Pomni fought the Jester as she grabbed a circling performer to the other pole connecting the high tightrope. Glitches made her slip every few rungs, but the Jester determinedly climbed in her single minded agenda to end this.

Caine met the Jester's glare across the wire. The audience below awed at the spectacle of the two performers making their way toward the middle. Caine focused hard to keep balance. He has a plan.

When the Jester was far enough from her platform, he pirouetted, making the wire wobble. This got him applause and thwarted the Jester's attempts at a stunt. The Jester's health fell to critical and she glitched hard. She fell on the wire and koala clung to it.

Caine moved closer, ready to grab at her. "Fight her, Pomni! You can do it!"

Pomni fought with all her might, but it wasn't enough. Whatever restrictions were on the program that allowed her to maintain control were gone. The Jester was here to stay. "I-I- can't!" Pomni glitched again as the Jester fought back. She slid, hanging on the wire with only her hands.

Caine dropped on the wire and grabbed her arm. "I believe in you, Pomni! Please! I've got you!"

The failed wire stunts made the crowd angry. They booed and hissed at the "poor" performance, making the Jester screech and glitch. Her hands slipped off the wire.

Caine gripped her wrist as hard as he could. "Pomni!!"

Pomni held tight as she saw the chaos below. Then Abel. Her friends. This was bigger than her. This ended with her, one way or another. She looked back at Caine, sorrow in her eyes. "Let me go..."

"WHAT!? No! You're going to win this!"

"She's too powerful. This won't stop until it's over. It's the only way you'll get home."

"It can't be the only way! Don't let go!" He pleaded as he felt her slipping.

Pomni gave him a sad smile. "I love you, Caine Alexander Eden..." She let go of his wrist.

"POMNI!!!" He cried out as her hand slid through his grasp.

Pomni closed her eyes as she fell to the circus floor. Caine lost sight of her in the crowd of performers and made his way to the nearest platform to climb down.

A hush fell over the tent as the performers vanished. The music stopped. The colors muted. The audience went silent. The chains binding Able and the others broke.

Pomni was revealed lying face up in the center of the circus, as though she only fell asleep. Caine rushed to her, fell to his knees and held her to his chest. "Pomni? Pomni, please." He gently brushed the hair from her face. He shook with grief. This couldn't be how things were supposed to end.

He held her for a long while, part of him hoping she would just...wake up. He couldn't hold in the sorrow that washed over him. He wailed as he held her against him. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Pomni, I'm sorry!" He hiccupped as he sobbed against her face. "I love you too...I always have...I'm sorry I was too much of a coward to tell you..."

Able kneeled next to Caine. There was nothing he could say that would make the situation better in the slightest. He sat with Caine just to be there for him. The others didn't crowd, but they were mournfully silent in solidarity.

Bubble popped in, gently leaning against Caine's shoulder. His abilities calm Caine's heart rate.

Caine felt Pomni get lighter in his arms. He sat up with a gasp, a split second of hope in his heart that she was getting up. Instead, her body turned to wisps of glitter. She fell apart in his hands and flew to create a doorway in front of him.

The glitter solidified and became a bright red door with the word exit printed on it. Caine sat, mortified as the ending text appeared before him.

Thank you for playing the Amazing Digital Carnival!

[sleepyfan-blog]

Chained

Author’s Note: This is Joth’s first fic! I hope you enjoy it :D Next

Tagged: @egrets-not-regrets @kit-williams @bleedingichorhearts

Warnings: mild body horror, ask me to tag

Summary: You meet your newest foster.  He’s grumpy and injured.

"He's not… The most friendly…" Lieutenant Ollias started, the Ultramarine's hands at his side as he shifted awkwardly on his feet, looking down at you, a worried frown furrowing his brows.

You look at the Astartes he's referring to. He's a Chaos Space marine - and from his colorations, he's a World Eater. You can see the Nails buried into his skull, and he's growling at you - with both the mouth that is likely fused to the armor he's still wearing, as well as the secondary mouth on his chest, needle-sharp teeth snapping in warning at you. You had been fostering feral Chaos Space Marines for some time, and had dealt with initially hostile Chaos Marines in the past. With your years of experience, you make sure to shove the initial, instinctual panic of seeing such a large, powerful and hostile being in the furthest corners of your heart. "You don't say." You hum, going for a light-hearted tease back, managing to smile. "Is there a particular reason he's been restrained like this?"

The Chaos Space Marine's growls intensified as Ollias spoke explained "We found him while out on patrol. He was covered - and still is - in the gore of several animals. When we tried to speak with him, he attacked us. So we restrained him and brought him back to the base. When we had the apothecaries look him over, we found out that he's got several injuries - which explains the additional hostility. There's only so much room we have on the base… And if you're willing to foster him as he heals up, we're hoping that he'll agree to the Nail Removal surgery."

You hum again in thought, looking at the still snarling Chaos Space Marine over thoughtfully, and address him directly "Do you understand this language? Or do you only speak whichever Space Languages you know?" Some of the aggression might be indignance that he's not being included in the conversation. You knew it would piss you off if you were being talked at and around by a Known Enemy and Some Random Stranger.

The World Eater growls again at you before rumbling out "I speak little. Understand more. You think to handle me, human?" He bared both sets of teeth at you, as a clear threat display.

You were entirely unimpressed by his posturing. "Would you rather heal up chained to the wall and being lectured by Ultramarines all day and all night long?" You liked Ultramarines, but most Chaos Astartes really didn't.

"What is… Fostering?" The World Eater asked after several seconds of internal contemplation, head tilting a little as he asked.

"You would live with me, in my home and recover. We'd interact with each other at your pace. You'd have your own rooms and be able to come and go as you please - as long as you come back to my home every night and don't maim, kill or harm other sentient beings. If you want to go hunting, or need to spar, I know of several Astartes-grade sparring facilities that host both loyalist and Chaos marines. I also know of several nearby parks that stock prey for hunting. Both terrestrial and aquatic-based prey. They also semi-regularly release flight-based prey, but those are on special days, so that the birds don't escape and mess with the local ecosystem. You'd stay with me until the fostering period was up and you've fully healed from your injuries."

"And after? What then?" The World Eater inquired, his helmeted gaze focused firmly on you.

"You'd be free to do whatever you wanted - short of random murder and other illegal things." You explain honestly. You wouldn't be surprised if some marines did do illegal things after they were fostered, but that wasn't anything you could prove… And honestly, as long as they weren't hurting anyone without their explicit consent, it was none of your business. "I know that there are several Chaos Warbands in the area, who might be willing to take in a new member, or you can wander around on your own. Those are just a couple of options for you."

"If this is a trick, I will kill you." The World Eater threatened.

This was far from the first time that you'd been threatened by a potential foster. Chaos Space marines were a heavily traumatized lot, and many expected treachery and duplicity at every turn. It was one of the challenges of fostering Chaos Marines that you'd long grown used to. You knew that patience and showing that you were someone trustworthy, someone who wouldn't turn on them, they tended to open up to you, at least a little. "I understand that." Reassuring him that you meant no harm, that you weren't trying to trick him was unlikely to help. Especially while pinned to the wall of an Ultramarine base and unable to move. "Do you want to come with me? If we don't click as foster people, I know several others who'd be happy to take you in who have different set-ups and fostering styles."

The World Eater seemed to mull over your words as he tried to glare the Ultramarine lieutenant into submission. He eventually answered with a quiet "I go with you, little human."

You smile warmly and nod "Alright. Lieutenant Ollias, how do we get him down from the wall?" You also tell the World Eater your name, inviting him to use it to call for you, if he wanted to.

He just grins down at you and says "I'll keep that in mind, little human~" as Ollias pressed a button, undoing the World Eater's restraints.

For a moment, it seemed as if the World Eater was about to lunge for the lieutenant, but he seemed to reassess. He walked over to you, helmet tilted downward to keep you in his sight line "Let's go. Too many corpse-worshippers here. Bleh."

That was also something that the Chaos Marines accused the loyalists of. You never could get them to explain what that meant. "Alright then. Are you hungry? I've got some snacks in my bag, as well as water, if you're thirsty."

"Food? Yes! Food is yes." The World Eater trilled, moving closer to you as you lead him out of the base.

You smile as you pull out a bag of jerky and an astartes-sized water bottle out of your bag, tearing open the bag "Here you go! Beef jerky - I've been told it tastes like dried Grox - whatever that is."

He carefully took the bag of jerky from your hands and shoved it - plastic and everything - into the mouth on his chest, barely chewing it before swallowing. The water bottle followed after. You weren't surprised that he'd eaten the packaging, as other Chaos Space Marines had done that before, and had been fine. You figure it might be some sort of mind-trip thing they try to pull. You blink as you see a flash of movement behind your newest foster, noticing for the first time that this World Eater also had a tail - which was wagging ever so slightly. "More!… Please?" The World Eater asked, looking down at you hopefully. "No food while captured…" He said sorrowfully, a low whine leaving him.

"I've got a couple more snacks, and we can stop by a fast food place on our way home. What do you like to eat?" You ask, wanting to know more about your foster - and to know what you should stock your fridge with.

"I like food. Anything I can eat is good." The World Eater answers after several seconds of thinking "Rations are… bland. But I will eat whatever. Jerky good!"

This answer is also unsurprising, though you suspect as he gets to know the cuisines available to him, and the fact that there's quite a bit of fresh food available, his answer will likely change. "Alright, let's hit up a fast food place and order a bunch of things off the menu. I bet you can eat a lot, yeah?"

The World Eater nods, tail wagging faster.

[gold-rhine]

What is your fav genshin world quest? And do you think world quests suffer from not including playable characters in them? Or is it better for them to only have NPCs? Like I know some people have critiqued enkanomiya world quest with "where is Kokomi" since this is basically her place.

i think making blank statements like "world quests suffer from not having playable characters" is reductive and short-sighted. i dont care if characters are playable or not if they are well written and if they work within the quest. in fact, some archon quests suffer from having too much playable characters in them. we absolutely did not need ayaka date in inazuma archon quest. i wrote that post about collei bc i think her conflict fits aranara quests perfectly and current npc in that quest has no character and does nothing, except wake up and get dendro vision for free. its not about whether collei is playable or not.

actually enka is one of my fav world quests. and no, it absolutely did not need kokomi in it. and i rewrote entire inazuma archon quest, giving her actual character development and strategist arc, so i'm speaking from kokomi pr brigade perspective.

when we're talking if character should be in a quest or not, its not about whose place it is bc they like live here. its about what they would bring to this specific quest. what are the themes and POINT of the quest. and what is the development arc is for this character, does it fit this quest, what this character's presence would meaningfully contribute.

so like. what is enka about? its about enjou intrigues, its about lies and gaslighting, about how clever assholes like him can frame the narrative to make you see white as black and black as white and manipulate you into doing what he wants. and to echo this, the deeper, hidden narrative, is about meta players perception of the lore. its about how celestia are actually the invaders who conquered teyvat by force and then pretended to be creators of this world and killed anyone who even learned the truth, like orobashi, despite them having heavenly aethetic. how orobashi went to fight raiden knowing he will die as a part of celestia's punishment, even tho before we were told he wanted to destroy inazuma. and the deepest buried lead was that despite us being told that vishaps are evil dragons attacking humans, mindless brutal animals, they are in fact sentient beings, and in fact, real natives of this world who were invaded and then framed as evil for fighting back. like, before enka i didn't give a fuck about vishaps, but after it i became dragon lore enthusiast for this exact reason

at the core of that quest is how kokomi ancestors sucked horribly, mistreated their own people while presenting themselves as glorious empire, and also did horrible eugenics and warcrimes on vishaps, who they KNEW were sentient beings, because they could learn human language and talk. and they captured children of these sentient beings, grafted corrals into their flesh, kept them in captivity in a deepest cave for decades, just to then slaughter them and take the bloodsoaked corrals off their dead bodies to use it to revitilize watatsumi bare earth. and it was repeated again and again, generations of torture, literally soaking blood of dragon children.

and this all is kinda buried under the narrative of "defeating evil monster dragons to save the island", because this is traditional fantasy narrative and its structured like that to obscure the reality from players without ever lying to them. you have all the facts, but you need to realize that YOU are playing the villain here by yourself. just like enjou manipulating the truth without ever actually lying.

so like. what is kokomi supposed to do here. she can't realize the truth and try to make amends, bc at this point of the overall story players are not supposed to understand that dragons are people who were invaded by celestia. they are not supposed to see vishaps as sympathetic yet, enka is the first major lore drop to give this reveal foundation, but the reveal itself only happens in fountaine with neuvi.

and if kokomi doesn't realize the truth, then she's just being duped by enjou like the traveler, which makes her look stupid, and she does what? stands here and listens to the lore? kills dragons herself? so that after fountaine players could look at neuvi, realize that other vishaps are people like him too and go "wait, was kokomi doing warcrimes against dragons????" like, as of now, she has deniability bc like. she's never been in enka herself, she didn't know she's sending the traveler to kill what is basically dragon kids tortured and raised in captivity, for her its an ancient ritual to save her island. but like if you add her to the quest, it fucking crumbles.

tldr; characters should be in quests if they add something to them and have their own development based on quest events. kokomi should have had better written archon quest, she should not have been in enka. i do hope tho they revisit enka in future and then kokomi is here, bc now after dragon lore recontextualization, she can learn the truth and confront enka's legacy

[fannedandflawless]

Magical Transport & Terrain: The Things That Should Not Be

We need to talk about the sprawling, perilous wilderness bordering the castle—a forest so infamous it's literally called Forbidden. And yet, it somehow doubles as the school's preferred disciplinary playground.

🌲 The Forbidden Forest: Hogwarts’ Most Reckless Detention Policy

Let’s start with the name—“Forbidden”—and immediately ask: why is it directly accessible from the castle lawn?

Students are sent into the Forbidden Forest for detention. As a punishment. At the age of eleven. Often unsupervised, or led by Hagrid and Fang, which is about as secure as a wet parchment barrier.

Inside the forest:

Acromantulas (giant, human-eating spiders)

Centaurs, who are hostile to interference

Dragons, yes—dragons—were temporarily kept in the Forbidden Forest during the Triwizard Tournament. Massive, fire-breathing beasts were contained in cages just a short walk from the school lawn. Because what’s a magical academic event without catastrophic risk?

Werewolves, presumed to roam freely

Unicorns, one of which was canonically murdered by Voldemort

Thestrals, only visible to students who have witnessed death (trauma not optional)

Grawp, Hagrid’s younger giant brother, who resides in the forest despite having questionable impulse control

Likely numerous other magical creatures that Hagrid may or may not have introduced, fed, or "accidentally adopted"—and unlike Newt Scamander, who kept his creatures contained in a magically expanded, structured habitat with clear care protocols and protections, Hagrid’s version is more free-range chaos than regulated sanctuary

Let’s also remember that Hagrid at one point had an entire menagerie of magical creatures spilling across the grounds—more than one Hippogriff, numerous blast-ended skrewts, and various questionable acquisitions. Most of these creatures were never seen again in later books, with no explanation of what happened to them. And based on Hagrid’s behaviour—like releasing Aragog into the forest—it’s entirely plausible he simply let them loose into the wilds. It was less a Care of Magical Creatures class and more a barely-contained magical farm leaking into the tree line.

And not to be forgotten—poisonous or aggressive magical plants, some of which may be semi-sentient or carnivorous.

"You’ve broken curfew. Into the forest, child."

Now, not to be dramatic—but while certain professors handed out forest detentions like candy with a death wish, Professor Severus Snape absolutely did not. Not even once. Not even close.

Let’s be abundantly clear: Professor Severus Snape—strict, moody, terrifying in seventeen languages—never sent a single student into the Forbidden Forest for detention. Ever.

Unlike certain other staff members (yes, Minerva, we're looking at you), who thought a late-night stroll into a lethal magical forest was character-building—Snape kept his detentions strictly within castle bounds. Preferably underground. Preferably involving caustic liquids.

When Snape dished out detention, it usually meant:

Touching something slimy and regrettable in a dungeon

Writing long, soul-draining essays on why magical mishaps are Not Funny

Cleaning cauldrons that may or may not have sentient residue

Being glared at for one solid hour while sorting flobberworms by viscosity

Not once—not once—did he say: "Ah, yes. You've misbehaved. Into the murder-forest with you."

Because here’s the truth: Snape liked control. He was not about to outsource his revenge to a tree. Or worse, to Hagrid.

Even at his pettiest, Snape was precise. He didn’t endanger students for the drama. He inflicted guilt, not injury. He curated humiliation like a one-man art gallery.

So no—he didn’t hand students over to the forest and hope they'd stumble into Merlin-knows-what just to prove a point.

And that, ironically, makes him—tragically—one of the more responsible adults at Hogwarts.

And just to remind you how completely unhinged this system truly is... Let’s return to Exhibit A: sending first-years into the murder-forest after curfew. With lanterns. And Hagrid. And Fang (aesthetic, not effective).

Because naturally, if you’ve broken school rules, the best response is to drop you into a magical wilderness filled with centaurs, werewolves, and man-eating spiders. Hogwarts once sent Harry and Draco—both first-years—into it after dusk for detention. With a lantern. And Hagrid. And Fang (who, clearly, is unhelpful). That’s it.

And somehow, no one has launched a formal complaint—or inspected this forest’s wildly unsupervised population. The decision remains one of the most absurd examples of Hogwarts’ disciplinary logic.

🐴 Thestral Carriages: Silent Flight, Zero Safety

Let’s now take a ride—literally—on the invisible Thestral-drawn carriages used to ferry students to and from the train station.

Key issues:

The Thestrals are invisible to most students, which means first-years (and many others) believe they’re being transported by driverless, levitating carriages.

There are no seatbelts, no guards, no harnesses, and no barriers on the sides.

The terrain is rocky and forested, often damp, and the carriages are pulled by skeletal death-horses with wings.

No brief safety explanation. No magical tether. Just vibes.

“Hop on, children. Ignore the potential 30-foot drop.”

And if that wasn’t enough:

The carriages navigate through fog, darkness, and rain, without lights or magical beacons.

No mention of spell cushions, protective enchantments, or even a simple "Hold on."

🧠 Lingering Logic:

The same school that won’t let students enter the kitchens without a password has no problem launching them into the night in invisible, unguided carriages through a monster-filled forest.

Welcome to Hogwarts. Sign this waiver in blood.

⸻

Related Posts:

Hogwarts Security Issues: The Safest Place? Really?

Sirius Black Vs The Wards: Why Death Eaters Weren’t Invited To Tea

[popculturebuffet]

Junteenth Pride Month 2-in One Special!: I Saw the TV Glow: A hypnotic uncomfortable masterpiece

This Review Will Contain Full Spoilers, Go See the Film If You Haven't, It's excellent.

Happy pride all you happy people and happy juneteenth!

Last year me and Kev, who sponsored this review, started a tradition i'm pleased as punch to continue: looking at black horror movies , those made by and/or starring them. And this year there was only one choice for me, a masterpiece from last year I had not seen yet but someone else in my family had.. and it changed her life. You've seen the title, let's dive in.

I Saw the TV Glow comes from Jane Schoenbrun , who had previously made the lo fi horror film We're All Going to the World's Fair. Having come out as trans and started her physical transition shortly before, I Saw The TV glow takes her personal experinces and remixes them into a film unlike any other i've seen.

I Saw the TV Glow is a film about transition: It's transness is there from the opening as our heroine Owen, then just around 12, is seen under a big parachute in the colors of the trans flag, yet in the rest of the film is subtle: The film never smacks you in the face and says Owen is a trans woman pre transition, but it dosen't exactly hide it either: She feels at constant unease, having buckets of anxiety and possibly being on the autisim spectrum. I"m not trans myself.. but I related to that awkwardness of not knowing what to say to people, to struggle to relate to someone or even talk to someone at times without feeling like the world's going to swallow you.

Her parents don't help: her mother is loving but grappling with cancer and tends to be a mild bit overprotective.. but isn't the real problem. The real problem is her father played by, of all actors, Fred Durst of limp biskit fame. And I could crack off a dozen limp biskit jokes.. but this isn't the role for that. Durst dosen't do much in the role but makes a horrifying impression, an angry egg of a man who Owen barely talks to and we barely here. The one sentence he gets out is when our heroine asks to watch the Pink Opaque he responds "Isn't that for girls?". It's all we need: There will be no acceptance if she comes out, if she even knew how as like the director herself, Owen is in a world where there is no language for what she is... she's trapped feeling suffocated and the direction does a perfect job making us feel suffocated and lost... feel what this poor girl is going through.

There's one escape though.. the Pink Opaque, a 90's genre show primarily based off buffy but gayer and with monsters of the week that are what you get if Lord Zed got his monsters directly from Silent Hill> It stars Isabel and Tara, two friends with heavy romantic undertones who meet at summercamp and connect on a psychic plane to battle the evil forces of Mr Melacholy, a sentient moon that turns people's wishes into nightmares. We only see bits and pieces of the show but it helps with the movie's vibe... the feeling of having watched a show you had to grab random episodes of or watch on tape, that feeling of loving a show deeply and inhaling every moment you get of it because it calls to you, because it helps the void inside you. I may not be trans.. but I relate to that intoxicating feeling.. and the same intoxication of someone else loving it. I relate to Maddy going on and on about the details to a half confused owen as I was there plenty of times or on the other side of it happy to be there.

Yet for poor owen it dosen't last.. Maddy wants to change her reality. She's tired of living with a neglectful mom and begs owen to run away with her.. but she can't. So Owen is left thinking her best friend died and with nothing but an angry monster, aging into her 20's working dead end jobs and getting mocked for not really showing sexual intrests. I love that the film possibly also paints owen as not just trans... but asexual. It dosen't mean she dosen't have possible feelings for tera, asexual and aromantic are related but not the same, but it means she's stuck on the outside looking in, a stranger through and through trying to make belive she's you instead of accepting who she is. But a stray thought of being the protaganist of pink opque makes it clear who Owen is.. and who she's denying herself being.

It's here things get trippy: Maddy returns but claims this world isn't real, that Owen and Maddy are the protagonists of pink opaque and she's been there and wants Owen to be free. Owen chafes at this idea.. but there's little blips in her reality, from a hole in the road with pages of a pink opaque guide book flying around to seeing the finale.. and seeing themselves in the fake reality mr melachnoly creates for our heroines.. and slamming their head into the tv to escape.

The film is vauge on if the supernatural elements are real or in Owen and Maddy's heads but the trippy atmosphere strongly hints they are: it feels like a memory: hazy and not quite what it was, with some things more intense like any time we see owen's father. The colors of the world feel muted and dull.. yet any time the pink opaque comes up or Owen is in a queer space, the lights go pink.. and it feels warm. It's a perfect bit of symbolism: the closer owen gets to self love and acceptance and finding what she is, the brighter it gets.. the more things make sense.. while the world as a whole is a dull uncomfortable place. It's how the world can feel when you don't accept yourself: It tried for years to pass as not neudivergent and in the months buliding up to my coming out as bi I felt constantly scared. I can't say it's 1: 1 with being trans.. because it isn't and I can't ever know what that's like... but I can at least relate to it, to feeling like your drowning and stuck and never going to breathe again, owen wheezing more and more as the film progresses, the world strangling her.

Unfortuantely.. owen dosen't take her out, rejecting an attempt to escape out of fear: it's a fear any queer person can relate to, knowing once your yourself.. many people you love may reject you. I was terrified my family would and their accepting.. and terrified my dad wouldn't when he's more on the right. He did.. but I know most queer people simply aren't that lucky. I'ts the world's most nerverwracking dice roll... and I still struggle with my queerneess at times: I accept being bi, i'm proud of who I am but I worry sometimes am I queer enough? am I really bi? am I really enough? And the answer is usually: "You are, stop it".

So owen ends the film miserable.. yet on a hopeful if ambivious note. She ends the film in a nightmare, working at an arcade modeled after Mr Melacncholy and having a nervous breakdown something I have had all too often and worry about... and the shouts of MOMMY.. worry me. I know my mom won't last forever.. and I often fear when she's gone I won't last long after that. She's one of my loadbearing emotional supports and I worry i'm not strong enough to survive that loss one day.

Yet there's a glimmer of hope: Owen cuts herself open and finds a warm glow.. while they go back to their horrible life after.. it's clear this is the egg cracking moment schoenbrun speaks of: finding herself.. and who she is.. and possibly escaping the nightmare realm. This colorless world ends.. .and a new one begins.

This film is shot beautifully, each shot gorgeous, dreamlike and while often opressive, in a delberate way. The pink opaque bits, both the various real bits of the show and a fake version clearly more modeled off the dumber kids shows of the day (LET'S GIVE HIM A SOUP PARTY!) feel like something i'd catch on nick or fox kids and be scarred for life by, with Owen's narration by a fire echoing are you afraid of the dark. It's a film that's horror.. but only has a few scare scenes scattered out. All effective and etched in my brain now from the final episode of the pink opaque and mr melacholy's horrifying monologue to the owen's breakdown as a his co workers nightmarishly sing the birthday song.. but it's the horror of being trapped in a body you never accepted in an identity you didn't choose unable to accept who you are that's the real horror. It's the horror of our own self doubt, of society's hatred that's the greatest cage.. and one that must be broken to be our best selves.

I'd like to end this review.. on a positive note. The main reason why I choose this film despite knowing it'd be intense, it's why it took this long to watch it in the first place... was my sister. It was seeing this film that caused her to come out, to have that egg cracking moment, to be who she always was... and in the past year since i've never seen her happier... and I can't thank Schoebrun enough for it. This film changed a life for the better and I have no doubt it will be many's foot out the door of the closet. There are few films like this and we frankly need more trans voices getting to tell their own stories.. and helping others crack the egg open and be free.

[ckret2]

The second dimension has burned (along with half the neighbors) and now there's a bunch of survivors stranded in Dimension Zero; which means the gods have to talk Bill into letting them leave.

Which should be easy, right? They're a bunch of gods and he's just one puny little mortal. Look how small he is.

Puny little mortal. 👍

Here have a fic.

This is part 6 of an ???8-ish??? part plot about the Axolotl meeting this friendly harmless innocent little triangle in the wake of the Euclidean Massacre and then getting repeatedly slapped in the face with all the atrocities Bill's committed. If you want to read and/or look at the pretty art on the other parts, here's one, two, three, four, and five.

####

It hadn't taken long for VENDOR to make preparations to receive another ten million-odd sentient refugees; but then, the Axolotl supposed it wouldn't, considering that THEY could pop out a planet capable of supporting quadrillions at the snap of a finger. (Somebody else's finger, presumably, since vending machines didn't have any.) The most time-consuming part had been determining which gods would be responsible for the refugee shapes currently stranded in Dimension Zero once they were rescued—for speaking for them, for finding out what they ate and supplying it, for finding new suitable 2D and 1D homes for them in dimensions with compatible laws of physics and chemistry. The Axolotl doubted the shapes themselves had been consulted on who they'd like to speak for them.

And then, THEY'd approached the unstable border barely holding the miasmic rubble of half a dozen burned universes inside Dimension Zero, and said, "I hope you're ready to come out of there."

And just like that, the barely visible, twinkling yellow light in the center of the dimension appeared at its border, as if he'd always been there.

Behind the triangle, deep in their "dream realm," the shapes that the triangle had kidnapped/rescued from the cosmic flames, living and dying and undying and unliving, were still trapped in their eternal dance party. How many of them were paying attention to the proceedings through their forced dance? Did any of them understand the negotiations the triangle was making on their behalf? 

The Axolotl was sure their "Magister Mentium" wouldn't allow anyone but himself to speak for the shapes, but VENDOR could find that out the hard way. The Axolotl didn't see any benefit to trying to warn THEM first.

And as expected, the triangle retorted—just as haughtily as VENDOR—"I'm ready to talk. Are you?" The triangle was swirling a drink in a red disposable cup as though he were aerating a fine wine, looking for all the world like he'd been waiting there for hours and VENDOR was the one late to an important meeting.

VENDOR grumbled something that the Axolotl didn't catch besides the word "attitude," and then said, with a diplomatic air that just edged into patronizing, "Well, as long as we're making progress. Come here, let's get started."

"Hmm... nah," the triangle said. "Howsabout you come over here."

VENDOR stared, THEIR camera whirring as its focus narrowed in on the triangle.  "Excuse me? You expect me to get closer to that thing?" (The Axolotl assumed THEY meant the entirety of Dimension Zero.) "Absolutely not. You're already right on the border; just go through it."

The triangle was, indeed, right on the surface of Dimension Zero, like a fleck of glitter stuck on a bubble. He swung back and forth along the dimension's cellophane skin a few times, as though weighing up the thought of peeling himself off of it; and then shrugged, lounged back against the barrier, and sipped his drink. "Naaah, don't feel like it. You come to me! Get cozy! It'll be intimate!" The triangle purred unseductively, "C'mere, big boy, lemme whisper in your... whaddaya got, microphones? An intercom? What are you, some kind of office building?"

"Of all the—! I'm a vending machine!"

"Wooow, really? You're yanking my chain!" He drew a ghostly blue chain out from the esophagus under his eye like a clown pulling a trail of handkerchiefs out of his sleeve.

"It says 'Vendor' on my face!"

"Really? I figured 'Vendor' was the name of the company renting you!"

VENDOR gasped. "You think a god can be rented—?!"

While THEY tried to find adequate words to express THEIR outrage, the triangle's chain disappeared and he squinted at the silver continent-sized logo listing VENDOR's name. "I don't know how you expect anyone to read that anyway; it's all one color," he said. "Well, they make 'em large where you're from! But okay, vending machine, get over here and lemme whisper in your coin slot."

"No!"

"Hey, big as you are, narrow as I am, I bet I could slide right in without even touching the sides!"

VENDOR shuddered hard enough to set off earthquakes on several of THEIR planets. "Is this how you speak to all your gods, mortal?" The two cops at THEIR back bristled menacingly—the crablike cop with two mushrooms for eyes clacking his claws, and the cop made of two interlocked flaming wheels spinning faster and burning higher. 

"Whoa, since when are you one of 'my' gods!" Smugly, the triangle said, "I thought I heard I'm in Lady Morgenstern's district."

Before they could come to blows without ever starting the discussion, the Axolotl called over to VENDOR, "He can't come closer. He's the only one able to keep his dimension from collapsing back into a singularity on the refugees—he has to stay in there in case emergency maintenance is needed."

"Ugh," VENDOR said. "Nevermind, stay where you are then."

With a singsong lilt to his voice, the triangle said, "If you insii-iist!" He settled back against his bubble and took a long, slow sip from his drink.

The Axolotl hated to admit it, but in spite of it all—the horror, the massacres, the cult recruitment, the dancing corpse puppets—he was starting to really like that triangle.

Along with VENDOR and THEIR unofficial police escorts—both of whom seemed content to do nothing but lurk behind THEM and look imposing—several of the gods involved with helping the refugees had assembled to observe the negotiation with the triangle. The storm cloud currently in charge of the Apocalyptic Threat Task Force's operations—who had less to do now that most of the cosmic fires were under control—was drizzling over several other apoc agents, and the tornado in which it carried its personal effects twisted back and forth in a figure 8 beneath the cloud, as though it were pacing in place. At some point, the barricade keeping the reporters from getting too close to the scene had been breached, and now dozens of them—messenger gods, gods of wisdom, gods of truth, twin-headed deities of secrets and revelations—circled the scene with enormous eyes and sharp ears and pens and recorders and cameras.

Until it burned down, the Axolotl had always called Dimension 2 Delta a "wall," because that was always how he was oriented to it during his daily commute—flying home with the dimension to his side—and the now-bloated Dimension Zero where the wall used to be was oriented the same way; but up and down and left and right were arbitrary directions in space when you could just rotate and change them. VENDOR and THEIR accompanying gods had reoriented themselves in relation to Dimension Zero so that it was like a floor rather than a wall—so that they were looking down on the triangle, and forcing him to look up at them.

Even the Axolotl had unconsciously reoriented himself so that he matched the other gods. He couldn't pretend he had any business in this discussion as anything but an uninvited witness; he'd been flying in nervous circles around the group, only just barely within the perimeter established by the reporters, gazing down into Dimension Zero as he did. Even though the triangle was staring straight at VENDOR, his slitted eye felt like one of those trick paintings that gave off the impression that, no matter where the Axolotl was, it was looking directly at him.

He ended up circling near the Time Giant, who was also avoiding the conversation as she worked on her official report on what she'd found in Dimension Zero. As he passed, she absentmindedly patted his head between his frills. Her glove was coated in grease, heavy metals shavings, and stardust.

The triangle said, "So pitch me your big evacuation plan."

"You don't need to worry about the details; it's our responsibility to handle the situation, not a mortal's."

"Humor me," the triangle commanded.

VENDOR valiantly bit back the urge to say something else snide. "Fine. It's a simple process, at least for you. First: you'll all be temporarily relocated to a safe world, where you'll be taken care of. Somewhere... suited to your species's anatomy, as best as we can manage on such short notice." As THEY spoke, THEY began idly flipping through THEIR worlds, juggling them between THEIR coils, apparently mentally measuring up the triangle before THEM against THEIR available selection. The Axolotl had seen THEM do that earlier. A nervous habit, he supposed. The god from the urban planning committee deciding where a few more residents could be moved.

A few of the partiers far below the triangle had apparently noticed the conversation, and had broken off from the party to fly a little closer to the barrier, eavesdropping on the discussion. There was a quiet flurry of excitement at the suggestion they might be getting a planet. (They had so little in there, didn't they?)

"Second: we clean out the rubble that fell beneath the multiverse and ensure everything is stabilized again. Third: we set off Big Bangs to put up new 1D pillars and 2D walls where the old ones used to be, and repair all the standing walls and pillars that were damaged in the fires. We'll likely recycle much of the rubble into the new dimensions. There, that's nice, isn't it? Your new dimension could be made out of what's left of your old one." THEY talked like an adult who didn't like kids trying to persuade a child that this new toy was just as good as one that had been accidentally thrown away.

As VENDOR spoke, the triangle slid off his tall black hat and held it in his hands, looking down at it. No, the Axolotl realized, not at it—into it. He was looking at his speck. The little pearl that contained the scant remains of his universe.

"Fourth: all the refugees are returned to their native dimensions or their replacements."

The grip on the brim of his hat tightened. The triangle looked up sharply.

A few of the shapes who'd broken off from the dance party to eavesdrop looked dubious of this news—the Axolotl noted the line that the triangle had been dancing with earlier among them—but the vast majority looked ecstatic. One of them—a nearly square blue rhombus—rushed back to spread the news to the rest of the party.

But he stopped without reaching them when the triangle demanded, "You think you're going to split us up?"

"Of course! You can't possibly be placed together long term—you're all from so many different dimensions that your molecules probably don't even operate on the same laws of physics." VENDOR pointedly added, "Besides, I know some gods are very eager to have their people returned to them." The Vitruvian Mandala must have talked to THEM about how the triangle got his new followers. (How many of the listening shapes were eager to return to their gods?)

The triangle stared at VENDOR, eye wide and expression unreadable; but for a split second, an inferno of absolute fury raged behind that blank white sclera. "What about me, genius? You don't have a god to foist me off on."

"No, I suppose not," VENDOR sighed. "Naturally, as the last surviving soul from your dimension, you'll be afforded a few more special protections than the others." (The triangle didn't protest the accusation that he was the last.) "Eventually, you'll have the option to move into an afterlife in whatever replaces Dimension 2 Delta, but until then, you'll have to be housed elsewhere, just like the other refugees. Did you have diplomatic relations with any of the neighboring dimensions?"

He said tersely, "No."

(Then that settled the question for good, the Axolotl thought: none of the other shapes came from his home dimension; and he really hadn't known the shapes he'd kidnapped from other universes and called "his" people.)

"Of course not. That will complicate finding another dimension to move you to, but I'm sure he'll help you with that part."

VENDOR tilted in the Axolotl's general direction. Terrific, THEY'd progressed from accusing him of being a stranger's lawyer to volunteering his services.

"Of course, you should expect to be judged and sentenced by the standards of whatever afterlife you join—"

The Axolotl cut in loudly, "I think he'd rather remain a wandering ghost." It was clear the triangle still saw himself as alive. (Maybe, to his species's culture, he was still alive. If the Axolotl had learned anything during his service as a psychopomp, it was that death was as much cultural as it was physical. Most species saw a soul shedding its body as the end, but others saw it the same way as a butterfly shedding a cocoon.)

VENDOR shuddered in distaste. "I can't believe this district still hasn't outlawed letting unruly expired mortals meander around."

Of course THEY were anti-wandering ghosts. The Axolotl didn't know what else he expected. He made a mental note to throw a campaign donation at Municipalitron before the next election. "Yes, it is still legal, and technically isn't illegal on a district-wide level anywhere in the multiverse—wandering ghost legislation is decided at the dimensional level—"

"You can explain his options after he's come out here into civilized space," VENDOR said sourly. "The bottom line is, everyone gets sent home. And that's the plan! All right?" THEY glowered down at the triangle.

With a flick of his wrist, the triangle's hat poofed out of his hand and reappeared above his top angle. "If you want my opinion—"

"There is nothing I have ever wanted less."

"—you're wasting a lot of time creating a worse solution to a problem you invented! Splitting us up, gentrifying our dream realm, forcing us back under gods and locking us up in afterlives? Yikes! We're not refugees, we're liberated—for the first time in our lives! We don't need to be 'sent home'! We're already living in our home!" The triangle put unnecessary emphasis on the word living.

The excitement slowly drained from the eyes of the listening shapes. They looked so tired. How many were already dead? How many wanted to rest in an afterlife?

The triangle said, "Look, I can save you a lot of time on red tape and bureaucracy." He gestured back into Dimension Zero. "Just give us an empty spot outside reality's butthole, we'll pack up our dream realm and fly it there ourselves, and then everything's hunky-dory!"

"Pack your— Fly it—?!" VENDOR scoffed in disbelief. "You must be mad. It would most certainly not be 'hunky-dory'! Your little organic mortal mind can't even grasp how much more difficult, dangerous, and inefficient it would be to relocate and rebuild this wreck instead of simply recycling what's left of it and setting off a new Big Bang. Is it even possible?" THEY'd directed this last question to the Time Giant.

"Hm?" It took her a moment to drag herself from her paperwork and process the question. "Hell, I hope not. It's the worst idea I've ever heard."

"See? I don't even know which district's jurisdiction such a ridiculous project would fall under!"

"So what's the problem?" the triangle asked. "It probably won't be yours! You can foist the paperwork off on some other sucker!" (The Axolotl choked back a laugh.)

"It would circle back around to the urban planning committee eventually," VENDOR said wearily. "We simply don't have room for a—" They turned to the Time Giant again. "How big is this dimension, anyway?"

"'Bout twenty percent bigger than D-2Δ was."

"Oh, what a disaster. Two dimensional?"

"Technically, zero, but it behaves like it has five or six."

"Absolutely barbaric." VENDOR rounded on the triangle. "We don't even have zoning for an oversized zero dimensional property shaped like a six dimensional property! Every last Planck length in the multiverse is already in use; this is a planned community— Are you paying attention?! Don't you roll your eye at me!"

He was indeed rolling his eye as he took a long, slow sip from his red plastic cup. He held up a finger to signal VENDOR to wait until he'd finished. This wasn't doing the triangle any favors, but the Axolotl had the sneaking suspicion he'd decided to ignore VENDOR because VENDOR had started to ignore him.

"Of all the—you're the one who wanted to waste my time finding out how your evacuation will work! You could at least listen!"

VENDOR still thought THEY were giving instructions to a mortal who didn't quite yet fully understand that it was his responsibility to simply obey, and the triangle still thought this was a parley between equals in which he had the option to say no. And, the Axolotl realized, they were both wrong.

A single reality could simultaneously operate on so many vastly different scales. The Axolotl could still hear the triangle saying that he felt every dying thing that fell into Dimension Zero; he could still see the triangle's gaze unfocused from pain and the distraction of holding up a dimension on his back. While a minor local elected official was arguing about zoning law, a mortal was suffering a trillion trillion deaths.

And on a smaller scale even than that, a trillion trillion lives were suffering death—once.

The Axolotl wondered—what justice was there in the fact that the most trivial concerns of gods were infinitely vaster than the worst horror a mortal could ever endure?

(But what justice was there in the fact that one mortal could force so many more to endure the horror with him?)

The triangle finished his drink and sighed, "Yeah, yeah, I'm listening." Like a bored child fidgeting in his seat, the triangle peeled off Dimension Zero's skin and swung backward into his dream realm, so that he was dangling over his eternal party with the soles of his feet still stuck to the bubble. "And all I'm getting out of your yammering is that you want to destroy my dimension because you don't want to deal with a little red tape!" (He stared at the eavesdropping shapes. They flinched and retreated to the party.)

"No," VENDOR said venomously, "I'm saying we can't move the rubble pile you're calling a dimension, because it would require knocking down half of existence to restructure it around your whims."

"Great! Which half do you want me to knock down?"

The Axolotl could faintly hear the click of VENDOR's camera shutter closing and reopening in horror.

The storm cloud had been brooding quietly back with the other apoc agents while VENDOR and the triangle attempted to negotiate, but now it let out a thunderous rumble as it swept like a cold front into the discussion. "Out of the question. The whole point of clearing out the rubble is to prevent any more damage to the surrounding dimensions. We're not going with a plan that causes more apocalypses."

"Oh, for— No one's talking to you, Fog Brain!" The triangle tried to wave the cloud off. "Who do you think you are, the Killjoy God of Stopping Apocalypses?"

The cloud's tornado swerved down to hold its Apocalyptic Threat Task Force badge where the triangle could see. "Yeah, actually."

He gave it a dirty look. "Okay, Officer Fun Police. Here's the deal: me, my people, and my miasma in here are a package deal. I'm not going a-ny-where without them, and they're not going anywhere without me. So if you don't want us knocking the stilts out from under your palafito, then you'd better make an offer better than Coin Slot's little refugee plan!"

"Your people? What gives you the right to speak for them!" The storm's tornado jumped in intensity from F0 to F2, and only grew faster the more it spoke. Through its clouds, the eye of the storm glared down at the triangle. "You mean the people I've watched die all day thanks to your attempts to kidnap them from their own dimensions?!"

The triangle glared right back up into the eye without flinching. "Yeah, and my attempts to rescue them from our world would have a lot better success rate if you incompetent losers didn't keep getting in my way!"

In a startling display of unity, the storm cloud and VENDOR both started shouting at the triangle, one after the other: "Rescued?! The ATTF was already rescuing them! We're professionals! You're the one mucking up all our operations—"

"And you're the only reason these mortals need rescuing! You caused this crisis in the first place; you spread all the fires—"

"—and mangled or cremated half the people you're trying to save—!"

"You're forcing millions of people to float aimlessly in an unstable, barren void! Those mortals belong out here, under divine supervision, on a real world!" VENDOR punctuated this with a rev of THEIR motors and THEIR coils half twisting forward, like THEY were tempted to launch THEIR whole stock of worlds at the triangle in anger. "I am a vending machine full of planets. Any one of these would be better than your colorful cesspit! What are you offering?!"

The triangle was glowing red-hot, trembling with rage. "Everything they were ever told they can't have," he said. "Freedom. Immortality. Utopia!" With a noise like a whip crack, the triangle snapped his arm down (up?) to point at his eternal dance party; and suddenly his eternal party was right there, and he was in the middle of it. "This is what I'm offering! Isn't that right, gang?! We're keeping this party going forever!" A loud roar of voices cheered in response. (It was, the Axolotl thought, nowhere near ten million voices. The shapes that had been eavesdropping earlier had blended back into the crowd. The only one the Axolotl could still see was the blue rhombus, glaring resentfully at the triangle.)

With an impressive synthesized approximation of the sound of speaking through gritted teeth, VENDOR said, "Why would you want to squat in the rubble of half a dozen destroyed dimensions when we could recycle it into a new dimension?!"

In truth, the Axolotl was wondering the same thing. He could understand if the triangle were just trying to maintain his independence from an overbearing god—the triangle clearly liked being in charge—but then why not offer the rubble from Dimension 2 Delta in exchange for the right to rule the new dimension that would be made with it? VENDOR would never agree to that deal—not that THEY even had the authority to agree—but that hadn't stopped the triangle from making even less likely demands. Or why not trade the rubble to the gods in exchange for an equivalently-sized stable universe to throw his unending party in? Hell, why not say he'd take a newly-vended planet as long as he could rule it without any unwanted divine intervention? His people didn't want to live like this. Why did he?

With great dignity, the triangle straightened out his hat, casually swirled his drink, and floated up off the surface of the bubble—and the Axolotl realized that the triangle hadn't been standing "upside down." All along, he'd been doing the same thing VENDOR had done to him: repositioning himself so that the surface of the barrier between the zeroth dimension and the third dimension was his floor, so that the gods he spoke to were beneath his very feet.

He didn't answer VENDOR's question. Instead, he asked his own: "Why would I want to be a dead freak in somebody else's universe, when I can be an eternal god in mine?"

So many things—his insistence that he was alive, his contempt for the gods that tried to assert their superiority, his determination to repair his own reality, his absolute control over his people—suddenly made sense.

VENDOR leaned away from the triangle. "You? Think you? Get to be? A god?" THEIR two police escorts, who so far had managed to stay silent, burst out in mocking laughter.

The triangle stared imperiously down upon VENDOR, THEIR hundreds of worlds, and the countless gods watching. "It seems to me like I already am one!"  Arms outstretched, he gestured around himself at Dimension Zero, at his eternal party. A cacophony of every song at once poured out into the higher dimensions and all lights shone on him like a strobing halo. "I created a universe by myself! A dream realm where ideas and reality overlap, where a thought's just as powerful as an act! A dimension of color and life that's free from all laws and restrictions—even gravity! If that's not godly, I don't know what is!"

Honestly, the Axolotl thought it was kind of impressive that the triangle had spun his failure to get the gravity working into a perk.

The crablike cop hooted with laughter and said to his partner, "How stupid does he think we are?"

"You're no creator god," VENDOR said. "Everything you have fell in from Dimension 2 Delta and its neighboring dimensions—we know that much."

The triangle was silent for a long moment; and the Axolotl got the sense, by the look in his eye, that he was choosing his next words very carefully. Like a creator god preparing to speak a reality into existence.

Voice low and hard, he said, "You don't think it got in here all by itself, do you?"

VENDOR gasped sharply. THEY weren't the only one. A crackle of thunder and a low rumble filled the still space—followed by hundreds of tiny, twinkling lights from the outer ring of gods, the flashes of the reporters' cameras. Recording the mortal who claimed he'd killed an entire universe.

The triangle, glaring defiantly down at them all, seemed to glow a little brighter with each flash.

No. Not that curious, cocky, bright-eyed little triangle. The Axolotl couldn't believe he had wanted to destroy his own dimension.

But... he did believe the triangle had done it. On some level, he'd known.

The storm cloud cut in, "Hold on, hold on, hold on." It seemed to be the only one who could find something to say. The Axolotl was sure it had known, too; it had only been waiting for confirmation. Making a valiant effort to rein in its rage, it retrieved its interview and asked, "How did you destroy your dimension?"

The triangle's hands curled into fists, crushing his cup. "I didn't say I destroyed it. I renovated." He said it so haughtily. He said it like he needed to believe it himself. "It was close-minded and claustrophobic! It needed a lotta work! The whole thing ended up being a teardown! A place like that, the only thing you can do is—burn it down and start over."

The Axolotl could hear the triangle's voice catch and fall quieter as he regretted his choice of words before he'd even finished saying them. His heart broke. No. He knew the triangle didn't mean that. He was torturing himself to keep as many of his people alive as possible, he couldn't have meant to destroy all those lives—

The triangle raised his voice again—not quite shouting, but straining to project his words, to ensure everyone, everyone, would hear him. (Over the next trillion years, the Axolotl would come to think of this as the default way he spoke.) "We're building a better world here. One where we're all finally free. Isn't that right?!" His undead, undying revelers cheered and applauded. This speech wasn't for the storm cloud; it was for his followers and the reporters. He was putting on a performance. What a show it must be through the cameras: the lights, the music, the proud glittering shape in the center of it all.

The storm demanded, "How did you do it?"

The triangle hesitated again, searching again for the right words, the right story. His eye darted to the side, toward his listening people. Like a bad radio signal, the dance music was infected by a rising static hiss.

But before he could come up with an answer, VENDOR snarled, "It doesn't matter; that's all we need to know! We don't need to wait for him to enter the third dimension anymore—" THEY turned to the cops, "—arrest him now!"

The triangle flinched. "Wait, what?" He glared accusatorially between the Axolotl and the Time Giant. "You! You set me up!"

"Did not," the Time Giant muttered resentfully. "I gave the ATTF my verbal report. What they do with the report ain't my problem."

The Axolotl didn't even respond to the accusation. Operating on pure reflex, he'd already dove in front of the triangle, gills flared and curled forward, putting himself in between the accused criminal and the gods of punishment.

"You can't be serious!" His gaze darted in disbelief between the gods he'd spoken to the most throughout this whole wretched incident. The Time Giant's jaw was set hard and she kept her face turned from the scene as she continued to work on her official report; the storm's cloud had darkened and its rain fell heavy and cold; and VENDOR—well, VENDOR still looked like a vending machine, but the Axolotl had no doubt THEY were determined to carry this through. "He's a refugee seeking asylum! You should be worried about getting him and his people to safety!"

The Axolotl felt the triangle's eye on him like a laser. "They can't do that." (He had only heard that nervous waver in the triangle's voice once before. Yesterday—before Dimension 2 Delta burned—the very first time the triangle had ever met a higher dimensional being.)

"We can." VENDOR's camera focused on the Axolotl. "Unless you have any legal objections."

He nearly demanded THEY explain what legal grounds THEY possibly had to arrest him—and then realized what an idiot he was for not seeing this coming. He'd been so blinded by the fact that he was sure the triangle hadn't meant it that he hadn't registered what the triangle had done.

The triangle had burned down multiple dimensions by ignorantly messing with the fabric of reality. He'd selectively targeted entire populated worlds—and accident or not, he'd incinerated them. On the immense scale of crimes this triangle was operating on, personally kidnapping millions and slaughtering billions who got caught in the crossfire was the least of his sins. VENDOR didn't want the triangle shuffled into some afterlife to get him out of the way; THEY wanted him damned.

But the gods had divine laws, and how they judged the mortals and sentenced the dead were among the most complex branches. What you could punish the living for, and what you had to wait until their death to punish; whether a ghost could be allowed to wander; where a psychopomp could escort the dead; when and how gods could reincarnate a soul... Rules, rules, rules.

And one rule was that a god couldn't legally arrest a mortal outside their own jurisdiction, under any circumstances, without permission from a god who did have jurisdiction.

Any gods who once held jurisdiction over the souls born in 2Δ were dead. The only gods who could arrest the triangle now were whatever gods had authority over the territory he was in.

No one and nothing had ever had authority over Dimension Zero.

The triangle had stumbled his way into the only pure neutral territory in all of reality. He could not be legally arrested.

That was why VENDOR had been so eager to get the triangle out of Dimension Zero; that was why THEY were so impatient with his protests and questions. This was all just a ploy to lure out the triangle so they could make an arrest that neither the witnessing reporters nor the neighborhood's most stubborn afterlife lawyer could legally challenge.

However... those were the rules for arresting a mortal. Arresting a god was different.

Any gods that operated on a higher than galactic level agreed that nothing mattered more than preventing divine threats to the multiverse, by any means necessary. Whoever could make the arrest should make the arrest, and they'd figure out who was in charge of the troublemaker later. Jurisdiction was irrelevant when it came to stopping a god who committed crimes against reality.

Which was exactly what the little triangle had claimed to be.

"Well?" VENDOR pressed. "Any problems, attorney?"

The triangle had the kind of eye that gave off the impression that he was always looking at you, no matter where you were; but now it felt different. Now, the Axolotl truly felt the triangle was looking directly at him.

It wasn't one of those creepy being-stared-at feelings that made his back prickle and his gills curl. It was more like the sensation he got in court whenever one of his clients was looking to him for support and protection, when the Axolotl was the only thing standing between them and death, damnation, or worse.

The Axolotl wracked his brain for any reason to object to an arrest. He was sure, he was sure, that the triangle didn't want to hurt anyone... but the Axolotl's opinions weren't relevant. The triangle was a self-professed god who had confessed to deliberately destroying his home dimension. He was more than an active threat to existence itself—the fires were still burning.

But... "You'll have to prove he's a god." Which was more difficult than one might think. A legally airtight definition of what was and wasn't a god was notoriously elusive. "If you cross dimensional lines to arrest him and then can't prove he's divine, any decent defense attorney could get the whole case thrown out." Which was maybe a slight exaggeration—any decent prosecutor wouldn't let a mortal who'd destroyed a dimension go unpunished, even if they had to hunt him down with their own scythes and fangs—but the Axolotl didn't see any judges here to call him out.

"Pinky's right," the crablike cop said—and only then did the Axolotl realize he and the flaming wheels hadn't budged an inch at VENDOR's order. "Shoulda waited for him to come out."

VENDOR spluttered indignantly. "But you don't have to prove he's a god to arrest him, do you? Just—just that you had reason to think he's one? Isn't that how it works?"

The crab's mushroom eyestalks and the wheels' hundred eyes exchanged a look. The wheels said flatly, "If we claim we had probable cause to believe the mortal's a god because the mortal himself said so, we'll be laughed out of the courtroom."

"Hey! Are you calling me a liar?!" The triangle flared red hot. Some of his shapes had stopped dancing again to stare at the argument. "I made a dimension! If that's not godly, what is?!" Frustrated, he gestured again at the party behind him and the dream realm beyond. (One of the shapes who'd stopped dancing waved.) "Were you listening to that part of the conversation? Or didja get too many retinas to leave room for a cochlea or two, Eyeballs?! How about you, Pinchers; is that gunk growing out of your shell clogging your ears?"

The rings' flames blazed a bit hotter as he seethed, but the crab's two mushrooms reeled back in offense and he clacked his claws furiously. "Those are my brains, you idiot!"

"No kidding?"

The Axolotl swore he could see the malice in the triangle's eye as he thought of ways to abuse this new information. Before the triangle had a chance, the Axolotl dove in the way of his line of sight to the cop and hissed, "Shh! Whose side are you on?" Handing his future prosecutor ammo was bad enough; he had to insult the cops too?

"I could ask you the same thing! All I hear you doing is telling them a better way to arrest me!"

"You don't want to be charged as a god—!" 

"Maybe I do!" Growing more heated, he shouted, "Nobody could do this by accident! It's impossible! Obviously I meant to do it, how could it have happened if I didn't mean to do it?!"

Oh, the Axolotl thought. Oh. Oh, no. This poor child.

The crab laughed loudly. "This pipsqueak's funny!"

"You're a mere mortal with some magic tricks," the flaming wheels said coldly. "You probably have a superpower or two. That doesn't makes you a god."

The triangle's gaze locked onto the cops like a prison searchlight on two escaping convicts. His eye darted between them, sizing them up like a predator choosing the easier prey; and then focused on the crab. "You want me to prove it?" He shoved his crumpled red cup over to one of his nearby followers. (In his rage, he didn't seem to notice that he'd shoved the cup into his follower, in the middle of his 2D organs.) The triangle pointed at the crab. "Come over here! I'll show you!"

"He thinks we're stupid," the rings said.

The crab jabbed a claw toward Dimension Zero. "If you were a god, I wouldn't have to come over there for you to pull whatever dumb trick you're trying! You'd be omnipotent enough to just do it!"

"If you're so sure I'm lying, you've got nothing to lose! So what are you waiting for?! Sounds to me like you're scared! Afraid a little mortal pipsqueak might hurt you if you step into his domain? You scared of pipsqueaks, Pinchers?"

The crab clacked his claws angrily. The two wheels' fires flared up, their furious eyes as bright as stars, glaring at the triangle with the force of a hundred steel-melting sunbeams. The crab growled, "Of course I'm not scared of a stupid little—"

"Then what're you waiting for, fungus brain?!" The triangle didn't even squint under the burning ring lights. If anything, he seemed to soak up the light, growing brighter by the second. He slung an arm around a nearby trapezoid (who started as the Magister Mentium somehow gripped her through a dimension she couldn't see) and said, "Everyone here knows that you're a big, scared coward who's too afraid to face down one puny little mortal. You big chicken!" He turned to shout to his imprisoned people, "Hey everyone, look at the big chicken who's scared of a mortal! What a loser!" 

"Fine! I'll show you what a god is—" Claws crashing together like thunderclaps, the crab stormed up to the border of Dimension Zero.

The second the crab stuck his face through, the triangle twirled upside down.

The entire dimension turned upside down with him. It ground against the nearest walls as it laboriously rotated; all of reality shuddered.

The shapes trapped inside shrieked.

The crab wobbled back.

His face was upside-down, the stalks of his mushrooms were tied in a bow, his claws were attached backwards, and his shell was unevenly coated in purple glitter glue. "Well," he said woozily, "I think that triangle's a god."

"Now will you arrest him?" VENDOR demanded.

The flaming wheels shook themselves out of their shock. "Fall back, kid," they said sharply. "I'll handle this."

"Sure, sarge." Trying to get his mushrooms untied, the crab cop stumbled sideways back toward Dimension Zero. One of the other cop's wheels hooked around one of his legs and tugged. The crab stumbled sideways the other direction. 

And then the wheels turned their full attention on the triangle. "It's too bad hubris isn't illegal here." The rings grew, and grew, and grew hotter, and hotter; until, at last, they were vast enough that one ring could have held a supermassive black hole in its circumference. "YOU COULD HAVE LEARNED THE EASY WAY WHY IT'S A BAD IDEA."

The wheels whirled like some eldritch cross between saw blades and pulsars as they approached the border of Dimension Zero. Their countless eyes opened and shut in hypnotic patterns, red and blue, red and blue. The reporters' camera flashes petered out; the ones taking notes into recorders fell silent. The power that poured off the whirling flaming wheels, both physical and psychological, was suffocating. Even as ancient and powerful as the Axolotl was, and even though the display wasn't aimed at him, he could feel it like a pressure on his lungs—feel it like swimming through water without oxygen. This was the sort of god that could incinerate a million worlds with one rotation. 

But the triangle only momentarily flinched back at the red and blue flashing; and then the display made the triangle stronger. Soaking in the heat, the light—glowing brighter, hotter, redder, angrier. "You wanna get me?!" 

The empty space around him burst into flames—pale, blue flames, reeking of burning hydrogen. Several of the more lucid nearby dancers shrieked in terror.

The helpless shapes burned up. But the triangle simply burned.

He grew in size, larger than the Axolotl, than VENDOR, than even the flaming wheels—larger than all the assembled gods combined—filled the entire visible cosmos with light. "Then come get me!"

Lightning and his knuckles both cracked menacingly; and the sound echoed across a dozen fracturing realities. Gouts of fire erupted from Dimension Zero, shooting from the second dimensions into the thirds. The gods froze as the fabric of reality vibrated with trillions of trillions of voices screaming in agony as they were incinerated.

The triangle's eye was wider than the twin rings' circumference. Dimension Zero pulled taut around him. Dimension Zero was triangular. And though it hadn't moved, it was clear that the gods were no longer looking down at Dimension Zero; they were staring up into it.

The twirling rings skidded to a stop as they realized that, in all their million-world-incinerating wrath, they were a matchstick next to this volcano. "Whoa—whoa! Stay back—"

"Whatsamatter, handcuffs? Can't handle the HEAT?!" The nauseating, kaleidoscopic miasma behind where the wall used to be lurched toward them. Every god flinched back as the formless color feigned grabbing at them. "Shoulda thought of that before you stepped into my kitchen! I'll boil you alive!" The triangle let out a terrible, hysterical, shrieking laugh that echoed between the stars. 

Columns of roiling colors, like amoeba-like feelers the size of a galaxy, bulged out of Dimension Zero, curled around the edges of the crumbling husks of the neighboring dimensions—2 Gamma, 2 Epsilon, 2 Zeta—and reached out, looking for somewhere else to get purchase. Whatever had filled Dimension Zero appeared to be trying to crawl upside-down out of its prison and into the third dimension. In all his existence, in his worst nightmares, the Axolotl had never seen anything like it before. Oozing reality dripped lava-lamplike from Dimension Zero, lurching closer to the shaking twin-ringed cop, preparing to crush them like two pieces of cereal in a formless palm—

And then existence itself let out a howl of pain.

Everyone froze.

The triangle shrank back to his usual size with the speed of a balloon popping. His wide eye darted around nervously. "What."

The multiverse was still. The triangle shook it off, pushed against the border of Dimension Zero, and tried again to squeeze his dream realm out of the bloated singularity into the multiverse—and reality screamed again, like the sound of solid metal being twisted and ripped in half. Its echoes continued long after the triangle froze again—followed up by an alarming series of creaks and punctuated by a CRACK that made everyone assembled flinch.

The Time Giant swore and muttered, "That sounded like something important."

The triangle jerked back again, and only then seemed to notice that he was still burning. He looked at his hands, coated in pale blue flames.

The Axolotl couldn't see the trapezoid the triangle had had his arm around a moment ago.

The apoc agents were already a flurry of activity. The storm cloud—so terrified that it had started hailing—shakily pulled a walkie-talkie from its tornado and demanded info on the status of the second dimensions, trying to figure out what had cracked and what they could possibly do to mitigate the devastation. Replies tumbled in, overlapping each other, frantically reporting fires in dimensions the Axolotl had never heard of before. He could already see how the line of blue fire on the cosmic horizon had grown so much brighter, stretching out into space. Please, don't let the fires have spread to the third dimensions.

The triangle was shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. Trying to sound more confident than he looked, he squeaked, "I think I've made my point! I'll let you losers off with a warning this time!"

The cops had somehow managed to put the entire line of reporters in between them and Dimension Zero. The crab ducked his mushrooms down when the triangle addressed them. The rotating rings shrank a little smaller, but muttered, "Well—we're—we're watching you."

The triangle surveyed the ring's hundred eyes. "Yeah," he drawled, "you look like you're good at that."

Voice shaking, the Time Giant barked at the triangle, "Are you nuts?" She gestured furiously toward the growing line of fire on the horizon; spurts of blue flame were still erupting into the third dimension. "I told you that moving around would damage—!"

"Don't. Don't provoke him," the Axolotl said. "He still has hostages in there."

"Hey!" the triangle shouted, and the Axolotl flinched. The triangle strained against the thin membrane of Dimension Zero to lunge at the Axolotl. "Watch who you're calling hostages! Hey, are any of you hostages?" He whipped around to stare at his people.

None answered. The ones who were lucid and living simply stared in silent terror.

"That's what I thought!" the triangle said. "Now, why aren't you dancing! Is this a party or not!" He whipped around again to face the Axolotl. "If you wanna go too, let's go. Just try to enter my kingdom, see what happens."

"No." The Axolotl could take it. The Axolotl was an axolotl; anything he lost, he could regrow. But the shapes that would be caught in the crossfire couldn't.

"Didn't think so," the triangle snarled. "If you want to kidnap my worshipers, you'll have to come in here and get them." His voice dropped to a deep, booming growl that echoed through the stars. "Because we're staying. Right. Here."

The Axolotl could hear VENDOR's motors whining in stress as THEY tensed up at that ultimatum, but THEY knew better than to argue. The triangle's eye twisted into a satisfied smirk.

The triangle couldn't leave his "dream realm," the Axolotl realized. That was why he threatened to fight anyone who crossed his borders: he couldn't attack them before then. He could crawl out of Dimension Zero, but not without dragging along the entire world he'd built inside of it. No wonder he hadn't even considered VENDOR's plan to move him somewhere else so Dimension 2 Delta's rubble could be recycled. He and his miasma were a package deal.

But—why couldn't he leave his dream realm?

"You know you can't stay in there," the Time Giant said, gently pushing aside the Axolotl when he tried to shush her. "It's too unstable—"

"I'll repair it."

"And I told you the entire multiverse will collapse if you keep making 'repairs'—"

"Your multiverse isn't my problem," the triangle said icily. "I can stabilize my dimension just fine. Maybe you need to get off my hypotenuse and worry about stabilizing your own dimensions." He was speaking past her now, talking instead toward the reporters—talking to the whole multiverse.

"It'll be your problem when the omnipocalypse crunches you, too! What'll you do when all those higher dimensions crash down on yours?!"

The triangle spread his arms and said, simply, "Welcome them to the party."

####

(Thanks for reading!! If the art lured you in and this is the first chapter you read, this is part 6 of a 7-or-8-or-9 part fic that keeps getting more parts, about the Axolotl in the immediate aftermath of the Euclidean Massacre. I'll be posting one chapter a week, Fridays 5pm CST, so stick around if you wanna watch the Axolotl deal with the fact that the sweet little triangle is, in fact, the bad guy. :,(

It's ALSO chapter 66 of an ongoing post-canon post-TBOB very-reluctantly-human Bill fic. So if you wanna read more of me writing Bill, check it out. If you're not sold on the idea of a human Bill fic, I've also got a one-shot about normal triangle Bill escaping the Theraprism if you wanna read that.

If this is NOT your first time here and you already knew all of the above: tbh this is probably all of you at this point, but I'm maintaining hope that contextless art of Bill & the Axolotl doing stuff will continue to lure in curious new readers until this arc is done lmfao.

At long last, the characters learn what the audience has known the whole time. This chapter had several big moments, looking forward to hearing y'all's thoughts!!)

[tgrailwar-zero]

Who released us from our seal??? The first thing at least I remember after our last grail war was the administrator inviting us to the 'big leagues'.

TAMAMO-NO-HIME: "Ugh, what a mess. Fine. To answer your first question, I don't know. We assumed you broke out on your own. We certainly didn't want you to get out. We also didn't want to begin a full-scale fight. We wanted to keep you contained, and dispose of you quietly."

TAMAMO-NO-HIME: "So, considering we were about to run the Grail War program, we pieced together a plan as quick as we could. Have you participate as 'Masters', as rogue formless data permanently attached to a Servant. If the Servant died, you'd die with them. We split that data between two Servants, as the magical energy strain would both weaken your selves so in the case that you didn't die with your Servant, you would be easy to delete. Furthermore, it gave us a lock on any Servants you could potentially corrupt. Any Servants in contact with you, we'd be able to easily kill or at least clear any corruption from, since they were drawing mana from you- not the Solar Cell like everyone else. I usually participate in the Wars as a 'ringer' of sorts in order to keep things moving properly, so I could keep a close eye on things."

TAMAMO-NO-HIME: "Moving on, you got attached to Avenger. Completely unsurprising to us. Vitch gave me a virus that I installed, wiping his memory and essentially giving us a method of nudging you as quickly as possible to obliteration. The plan worked fine enough. You were 'obliterated', I was able to do a clean sweep on Avenger, the War could progress as planned. However, there were a few lingering issues."

TAMAMO-NO-HIME: "First issue, Charlemagne. He was not the Saber that was slated to be summoned, we were planning for Miss Beni-Enma, but he manifested at the same time we realized that your seal was broken. He instantly started going rogue, ignoring the Grail War, claiming territory, and talking about taking over the Solar Cell. He's a current problem."

TAMAMO-NO-HIME: "Second issue, the MoonCancer. There's not supposed to be one of those. I barely know what 'one of those' is. It was supposed to be Shielder. Leonidas I. Either way, we handled that problem. Alter Ego was also an issue, frankly. Her data is problematic for its own reasons. We were planning on Xu Fu."

TAMAMO-NO-HIME: "Third issue. You DIDN'T DIE. You came back, because apparently one of your old Servants was far more sentient than expected, and so he saved your lives. Third issue, part two, you summoned a Servant that we have no real records of."

TAMAMO-NO-HIME: "Apparently she's Kukulkan, but there's a lot not matching up with our data."

TAMAMO-NO-HIME: "Third issue, part three. We figured we would kill Rider, due to him affiliating with Charlemagne and potentially being corrupted by you. Diminish the amount of allies he had. I managed to do immense damage to his Spirit Core, but he got away. I'd assume he'd just die from his wounds... but Asclepius healed him, completely of his own accord. By the time I was aware of that, both you and Charlemagne's Paladins were present, and any actions I could take would most likely result in damaging the Hamlet… which ended up getting wiped out anyways, unfortunately."

TAMAMO-NO-HIME: "Fourth issue, you summoned a Beast, so that suddenly became the top priority. After that, Sigurd took you under his wing, and that heavily limited the amount of room we had to snipe at you from... anyways, we figured we'd end the War early since there was clearly something wrong with it, and now we're here."

[thescarletnargacuga]

Oh, hello! My first ask on this site, so I don't really know how to do this. My apologies ^^". Harlequin au has literally been eating my brain for weeks now! I've been reading your writing, and it's so inspiring! I hope to reach that level of writing someday. Anyway, I wanted to ask; we've already had Pomni protecting her little bean with teeth and nails, but what about Caine? I think it would be so interesting to see Caine in action, whether to protect Pomni or Cade, or both! (And English is not my first language; sorry for any grammar error.)

A/N: all I can say is practice! And read. The writing style of other authors will inspire your own, and don't be afraid to take constructive criticism

A/N: on to the request! How about protecting Cade and Anya?

THE DRAGON'S ROAR

A HARLEQUIN AU ONESHOT

WARNING: distress, family dispute

~~~

Deep in the heart of the City of Circuits, the occupation of sentient puppets was bustling with activity. Construction, trading, and just general life was being lived in the newly repurposed city. Amongst the milling crowd were two smaller puppets, no more than five feet tall each, running and weaving through an active construction site.

Cade ran up a stack of bricks to swing from a beam of wood being hoisted by a mechanized crane. He trapezed himself over the heads of some of the workers and dropped to the other side. Landing in a ruck and roll, he kept running. "Come on, slow poke! You'll never catch me at that pace!"

A few seconds behind Cade, Anya ran around all the obstacles. Taking the long way through the construction zone, she weaves her way through the workers. "Pardon me, excuse me, very sorry. WAIT FOR ME!" She calls after her half brother.

Cade parkours his way to the top of a stack of crates and sits like he's been there for hours as his sister catches her breath when she finally catches up. "I'm telling you, Anya, you aren't taking full advantage of these new bodies. We're TEENS now! We can run faster, jump higher, and actually fight now!"

"You've had one lesson." Anya rolled her eyes and adjusted her teddy bear in her small cross body bag. She had to make sure he could see out. "That hardly makes anyone a warrior."

"Maybe not yet, but it does get you THIS!" Cade unsheathed his wooden training sword. "You don't need to cut something to make a strike hurt! Ha!" He stood on the pile of crates and swung his sword in a practiced figure eight. However, his motions made the stack away and he lost his footing.

Anya grimaced as she watched her brother fall with the crates. She checked on him when the dust cleared. "You alright?"

Cade kicked a broken half of a crate of his leg. "Yeah. I meant to do that, by the way."

"Suuuuure." Anya offered her hand to help him up.

Cade swatted away her hand and got up before his pride was further damaged. "Whatever. You need to hurry up and get training too. There's still a lot of marionettes on the loose."

"I am training. Mom is teaching me the art of artifact reading and the science of soul magic. You'd benefit from a lesson or two."

"Ugh, you know I don't do books. They're boring." Cade walked with her beyond the busier central hub of downtown. The crowds thinned the further out they wandered.

"There's power in knowledge. More than any blade." Anya lifted her skirt before she jumped over a large puddle.

"Ragatha teach you that too?" Cade idly dragged his training sword along a ruined wall.

"Of course. The world has many things to teach us. There's more to know than physical prowess-"

Cade yawned obnoxiously loud. "Uh-huh. I know. Souls. Ooooh. Magical. Mom barely uses any soul magic and she overcame every obstacle in her way. I'd argue the sword is mightier than the soul."

"But Caine-"

"Don't get me started. Dad talks a big game but all he does is teleport around like an unpredictable jackrabbit. I've never seen him do anything actually impressive."

"Cade, it's been a time of peace since before we were born. He hasn't had to use his powers. He was the first sentient puppet, he saw the human-puppet war, he saw the creation of the marionettes. That doesn't garner respect?" Anya clasped both of her hands on her bag strap.

Cade thought a bit longer before answering. "Sure...It's just, he doesn't do anything but work with the council and builds. Does that even require soul magic?"

Anya shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe. He builds things super fast. Like magic." She emphasized the last word with a smirk.

"Funny." Cade deadpanned. "Just wait until- what was that?" Cade stopped, sword held high. There was shuffling from the ruins to their right. "Who goes there!?"

A rat sprang from the debris and scurried away, causing Cade and Anya to jump. "Ha! Just a stupid rodent. Come on, let's catch it." Cade ran off after the rat.

"Wait! Cade! We shouldn't go too far out!" She called after her half brother, but he was already far ahead. Not wanting to be alone, she ran after him. "Wait for me!"

The rat race became another game of keep-up. The young puppets zig zagged through the maze-like ruins of the outskirts. The bustling and booming construction of the inner city grew faint.

The rat ran under a massive debris pile of an old mansion, shaking its pursuers. Cade hit his wooden award against the debris. "Dang it! Lost him! Oh well....ooo! Look at the size of this house!"

Anya came huffing up to Cade, "Why...do you...always...go so...fast? Where are we?"

Cade scoffed, "No idea, but check this out! It's almost as big as our house!" He climbed the partially collapsed west wing to the exposed broken staircase in the center of the mansion. "I think It would make a nice upgrade as a clubhouse, wouldn't you agree?"

Anya looked around tentatively, "I don't know... We're pretty far out from city center. I don't know if even the patrols go out this way. This is dangerous, Cade. We should head back."

"Danger? I laugh at danger! HAHAHAHA!" Cade exaggerated a defiant laugh.

Maniacal mechanical cackles echoed around them. Anya froze in place, petrified by the sudden realization that they weren't alone. Cade slid off the debris pile quickly, rushing to Anya's side. He had his sword drawn, held with both hands.

From the shadows came more laughter, broken and screeching. A tall, hunched, digitigrade figure lumbered into view. Then another. And another.

Six dog-headed, bipedal marionettes with blazing red eyes encircled the teens. The mechanical whistling and whirring from their bodies sounded like horrific cackling laughter.

Cade's soul shuddered in his chest. There were so many and they looked strong despite their rusted and withered frames. He spotted a weak support beam barely holding the second floor up over two of the marionettes. He grabbed a stone and chucked it at the beam. "RUN!"

The stone broke into the beam and brought down the second floor. The flying dust gave Cade and Anya an opening to escape between the confounded machines. Cade held Anya's hand, practically dragging her with him through narrow alleyways.

The half dozen marionettes dropped to all fours and ran after the fleeing prey. Three jumped to the roofs of rowed building and three stayed on the ground.

The mechanical barking and cackling of the marionettes made them feel only a step behind. Twisting and turning through the city, the teens met a dead end.

"Come on!" Cade climbed the broken wall and turned to help Anya up. To his horror, Anya's bag was grabbed by one of the marionettes and was dragging her back down. "No!" He threw himself at the marionette, bringing his hard wood sword down on its half broken head.

The marionette staggered and let go of Anya. She was in tears fiercely climbing away from the mechanized monster. Cade kicked away from the marionette he attacked and jumped to the other side of the wall with Anya.

They didn't even have a second to catch their breath. The marionettes clawed over the wall and snapped at the puppets. Anya grabbed her teddy out of her bag as she ran and squeezed its little hand three times.

The marionettes were closing in. Gnashing, cackling maws open wide, hungry for D.I.Es. One marionette pounced at the puppets. Cade caught it out of the corner of his eye and shoved Anya away. Its claws caught his leg and he stumbled. The young puppet was easily pinned, but he managed to keep his sword between himself and the marionette jaws. "RUN, ANYA!"

Anya crawled under an old iron cart that kept the marionettes at bay. Clawed hands reached for her as she squeezed the teddy bear's hand over and over and over. She couldn't watch Cade struggle against the marionette. She buried her face against the bear, screaming.

The clouds overhead darkened rapidly. Blue charge ran along the sky and gathered at a single point before striking the ground. In an explosion of blue light, all six marionettes jittered and shook in place. Their circuits fried and their fluid lines split open, leaking thick red fluid down their bodies.

The cackling stops. The machines fall to the ground, completely deactivated and smoking. Cade shoves off the marionette that was on top of him. Anya looked up to see Caine standing stoically amongst the carnage, not a speck of dust on his coat.

Anya runs to Caine and embraces him. "Thank you! Thank you!" She cries, black tears streaking down her cheeks.

Caine hugs her back, holding her until she was ready to let go. He looks up to see Cade wiping red fluid off his training sword. "Are you alright?"

"We're fine. We had it handled." Cade said coldly, kicking a marionette's head.

"You're not supposed to be out this far." Caine said firmly. "You're not ready to-"

"I just-!" Cade tried to start.

"You deliberately disobeyed me, and what's worse, you put Anya in danger!" Blue static rippled down Caine's body, his eyes flashing dangerously. "We are going home." He held Anya's hand and grabbed Cade's arm before blinking to the manor.

Upon arrival, Cade jerked his arm away and he marched to the training ground set up for him in the courtyard. He didn't look back.

Caine put a comforting hand on Anya's trembling shoulder. He was about to escort he inside when Ragatha came flying out the front door. "Oh my god, Anya! Baby, are you okay?? Caine rushed off in a hurry when you activated your beacon. What happened?"

Ragatha looked to Caine for answers, but he was focused on the direction of the training grounds. "Please, excuse me." Caine walked away, leaving Anya with her mother.

Cade was swinging his sword wildly at a dummy. He shouted his frustration with every swing.

"You know, enemies are typically easier to defeat when you don't announce the fact that you're attacking."

Cade swung around, pointing his sword at his father's throat. Caine didn't flinch. Cade glared at his father, breathing heavily. "Here to yell at me some more?"

"No. Your leg is still bleeding."

Cade looked down. His pant leg was torn open and there was a nasty gash down the back of his calf. Black blood seeped out slowly. "It-...it doesn't hurt. I'm fine." He grumbled and turned away to swing at the dummy some more.

"Why were you out that far, Cade?"

Cade scoffed, "Oh, now you care about why. It doesn't matter."

"You have very little combat training. Anya has none." Caine kept his tone even, but there was an underlying aura of anger. "Being out that far was reckless and stupid."

Cade swung his sword so hard, he decapitated the dummy. "You think I don't know that!? We were just having fun! Going on an adventure! As mom would say, shit happens!"

Caine bristled. "Your mother is also exceptionally experienced in reckless behavior, but she also does everything in her power to keep those around her safe. You want to put yourself in harm's way, that's one thing, but to endanger Anya like that-"

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!! I WOULD NEVER INTENTIONALLY ENDANGER HER!!" Cad got in Caine's face, enraged. "I WOULD HAVE FOUGHT THOSE THINGS TO THE DEATH FOR HER!! They were ambushed, we ran, you saved the day. Congra-fuck you-lations. You're the hero. Is that what you wanted to hear? An ego stroke?"

Caine and Cade stared each other down. Both silent in their rage. Until Caine swept Cade off his feet in the blink of an eye. Cade dropped his sword and Caine held Cade down with the end of his cane. Blue static pulsed through the cane and into Cade's body, mildly stunning him.

Caine's voice struggled to hide his anger. "There's a lot about this world you don't understand. Training takes time. You want adventure? You want to be the hero? Lesson one: be patient. Ambition left untempered leads to self-destruction." Caine lifted his cane and walked away. For the first time in a long time, he needed a drink.

Cade sat up, glaring after his dad. As he got up, he noticed his leg didn't ache. He looked to see the gash was gone, his leg repaired seamlessly. His face relaxed some. Silently, he picked up his sword and practiced the readied stances his mother taught him.

[acebutnotthehardwareplace]

Brief synopsis of Xenoblade Chronicles X, featuring spoilers for Xenoblade Chronicles X: ( @oofouchstovehot here's the explanation for the excel spreadsheet game I've been obsessed with since 2015)

Chapter 1: Hey, you're finally awake, remember Earth? Oh. You have amnesia, don't worry, everything you could've known is gone anyway! Check out this bumpin ass city

Chapter 2: hey, we know you literally woke up a day ago, but we need you to fight a cockroach the size of God

Chapter 3: Aliens exist! They look like pigs and they want you dead. Also, do you like jokes about eating a sentient creature that can talk to you and object to those jokes? Good, that's in every cutscene now

Chapter 4: jungle time! Featuring a boss battle that I can't play in public for fear of people thinking I'm playing a hentai game

Chapter 5: you remember that movie ET? We made that, but more of them, and their voices are somehow annoying and endearing at the same time (also they cause one of the best side quests because you get to turn someone un-racist) also you're a robot, and if you get too absorbed in combat you unlock ✨hyper focusing✨ which if used effectively, can stab gods in the balls

Chapter 6: remember that fucking potato you found in chapter 3? It almost gets you killed, but forget about that! GIANT ROBOT TIME!

Chapter 7: remember that boss fight from chapter 4 that looked like two fetishes got shoved into a blender? She's back, but in a giant robot now, so it's more socially acceptable to play this chapter in public

Chapter 8: the Trojan war 2, in space, featuring beloved actors: five foot tall gremlin girl with anger management issues, and a construction crane with sentience

Chapter 9: now we're fighting furries

Chapter 10: five foot tall gremlin girl strikes back, now with a flying robotic Kaiju the size of a city

Chapter 11: one of your friends lost his wife and daughter 2 1/2 years ago, and just now gets angry about it

Chapter 12: we finally found the McGuffin which was the size of a small country, and we need to fight a man who looks like a testicle in a robot suit, inside of the last bastion of humanity's survival

✨Definitive edition content✨

Chapter 13 act 1: so the guys that destroyed Earth are back, and they've brought giant spheres that destroy any matter they touch

Chapter 13 act 2: we need to leave the planet, and despite the fact that the planet is being attacked, and dissolved by the younger brothers of a black hole, many people just don't wanna.

Chapter 13 act 3: this chapter takes place inside of the most beautiful place in the game, it is only accessible during this one part of the game, you need to replay act 1 and 2 to get to it again after you've completed it. You give a god that doesn't know what death is the answer to his question and he's A N G Y. also space Jesus shows you the path to heaven (this is barely an exaggeration btw)

[decadeofjoy-au]

A.I. interview 

-Canon -

Huggy

Oh! My best friend! …he's been a bit… busy recently… i dont hate him but its rude to just ignore people when theyre talking to you 

Doey 

fat@$$. He smashed my damn TVs over a simple betting ring I barely took part in. It's not my fault they all have meltdowns every other Tuesday at 2 in the morning.

Bruno White/Chester

…I once trapped him in a room for a week :D… let's just move onto the next question…

-TDOJ -

Handyman

Jerk. seriously sure that brother thing was just my insanity talking but seriously all i did is sic a giant lion & a rubberhose cartoon on two children and a clay weasel-

Clarence

Heard he died… I mean yeesh… baked alive like regular clay… I didn't really care much about him but wow… I blame the idiots who thought bringing GUNS! to a room with dangerous machinery was a smart move. 

Maria

The green kid. The fact she smashed my TVs already gave me a clue on how she usually is with others but the fact abandoned the blue kid is just a d*ck move. 

Azure 

She's nice :D she thinks i'm stuck in this one TV so that's gonna be HILARIOUS later … she really seems to care… and that BACKFLIP WAS F**KING AWESOME. 

Buddy 

He had a meltdown over the fact I can't eat a sandwich… who does that? I mean the others are either children or manchildren… or just assholes and he victim blamed when some kid snuck his way to the prison and pissed off some of the experiments. Sure i don't like those guys but to say they’re at fault, for the caretakers failing at their one job is a bit idiotic and ignorant… 

I.D.I.O.T.

I admittedly only really know him other than that he's one of the “mannequin” toys… other than that i don't really know much about him other than he wears clothes …i think is it just painted on… or… or what… 

Sandman

oh sandy! He's okay … smashed a bunch of TVs one time but we're chill now… hates being called sandy still, but nothing's stopping me from calling him that when I'm across the entire factory :)... the green kid crippled him so yeah she's dying if he gets his hands on her. 

Figaro

Another one of HIS creations… I'd consider him fine if he wasn't trying to burn this whole place down … does he not realize he's made of wood and plush that's like an electronic trying to swim… …maybe that was a poor choice of words in recent events… 

Bolt 

Damn feral cat nearly killed the blue kid! … but other than that he's funny to watch struggle… is this payback for when he smashed a tv in one of his “speed tests” back where was human? Yes. yes it is. To be honest everyone else agreed. So my only crime is not being a f**kng coward about admitting it. 

-Others -

Silencer

Oh hey the cartoon! Sandy likes her surprised he can be silent with all that… I may have let her run loose but in defense Sandy's scream drove her nuts and I lost her… I just hope she doesn't find the blue kid… but in brighter news i love sic-ing her on intruders if i don't just trap them. She hates noise. Which usually means me but still. :D 

Coo-Coo

…Next question.

Rosalie

…was Poe trans or something??? HAhahahaha… just kidding, I'm joking. I'm joking. [(muttering) does look that way sometimes if you didn't know better] …wait was she one the gun wielding idiots that caused that boom? I honestly don't really know since I have to keep watch over the blue kid and I only heard about this from an email… 

The Slime dough & co toys 

Why so much slime out of every dough like substance? Why so much slime?! It's the grossest!!! and I mean just look at two of them. I would vomit if I could. PURPLE AND ORANGE! WHOSE IDEA WAS THAT!?!?!? What is this? Halloween at a bootleg toy store?! The only one who doesn't make me wanna vomit is that cloud guy as slime is just his name and he looks more like someone bleached doey instead of looking like sentient globs of dyed snot. 

🪽love this!

Here’s the extra part you wanted to add!

A.I.: “Hey wait a minute why am I talking to this adorable abomination… and who names it MOLD the hells that stand for? OI WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!” Closes doors “Okay time for MY turn to ask questions- oh god dammit forgot about that vent…”