#weird like self sacrificing abnormality

[a-shrieking-cloud-of-bats]

pursuance is still a great big mystery to me as to what it means but lantern (and the corresponding abnormality) seems to be like a sort’ve fairy/forest hermit guy telling stories to people to entrance them and then draining them via their weird tree root arm

[typellblog]

Nisemonogatari - An Analysis

Being a siscon really did not help with this one.

With Kizu I could somewhat pretend that it was its own isolated arc despite the absurd length, but as the cast ever-expands it becomes more and more difficult to act as though I’m only writing about one character at a time here. 

Indeed, we even have mini-scenes for each of our previous heroines. These are deeply oriented around fanservice, albeit in a way that actually also contributes to the characterisation of everyone spotlighted here. (Not that I can say the same for those involving his sisters, later.)

Hitagi gets to indulge her most sadistic impulses in a way I don’t think we ever see again beyond this point, Kaiki serving as both catalyst for her kidnapping Koyomi and catalyst for her changing in a more substantial way in the future. 

The mystery of Hachikuji continuing to hang around is once again raised, along with ominous foreshadowing of what this might mean for her future. She starts to emerge as a surprisingly mature character, her gags more obviously deliberate, her advice surprisingly helpful.

Nadeko is given a chance to pursue her one-sided crush on Koyomi. Her techniques are childish but reveal a surprising amount of . . . cunning? Malice? Foreshadowing for her later arcs. In any case, Koyomi remains completely oblivious.

I think the most interesting part of Kanbaru’s scene here is an indication that she’s not as much of a pervert as she presents herself to Koyomi as, and indeed to Koyomi is the operative term here, because as we hear from Hanekawa when Koyomi tries doing impressions of his friends (great scene, shame it was cut in the anime), Koyomi might have quite a different impression of Kanbaru than others do. 

Speaking of Hanekawa, she’s the only one that seems to be actually folded into the main plot this time, but simultaneously she feels like she’s growing more distant. She doesn’t get a directly horny treatment like the other characters, instead focusing on a gag about giving Koyomi permission to touch her boobs, but if he ever uses it she’ll hate him forever. Notably it establishes a completely different dynamic to her totally accepting attitude in Kizumonogatari.

Her character growth is significant, putting aside the stereotypical class president look in favour of a more ‘normal’ one, arguably something she’s wanted to do for a while. She had a sort of . . . lack of self-awareness of her own abnormality, before. Her role here is as a positive role model, I guess, for the entire set of Araragi siblings. If they’re fakes, she’s the real deal. If they need to be aware of their own weakness and inferiority, she needs to become conscious of her own strength. 

This, of course, doesn’t really make sense until we take a proper look at our arc character.

Karen Bee

To be blunt I struggle to bring myself to like Karen. She feels fake to me. 

I find myself in a similar position to Koyomi in some ways, the mentions of his sisters peppered into the Kizumonogatari novel triggering my own weird sense of jealousy/inferiority.

In theory, I should like Karen. She resembles nobody more closely than Emiya Shirou, probably my favourite protagonist of all time. Although, to avoid the risk of derailing into another Fate/Stay Night essay, I’ll make a different comparison. Someone who himself gets compared to Emiya Shirou all the time. 

Koyomi Araragi.

How come I’m able to get invested into this guy’s story, his justice, his self-sacrificing nature, his stupid, corny, but sometimes really cool lines, and not do the same for his sister?

I think on one level the answer is simple - I’ve spent the past four books inhabiting his perspective. I don’t have any context, for Karen. Who is she trying to save, and why? What difficult decisions does she have to make along the way? The Fire Sisters’ escapades are treated as a gag, occasional mentions of them playing Russian roulette with the Mafia or getting into brawls with the police, but nothing solid. Karen’s trying to save the middle schoolers getting scammed by Kaiki, but I don’t care about them. I’m not given any reason to. 

That’s just a matter of perspective, though. I don’t find it a particularly convincing argument, when Koyomi tells her that her justice is fake because she only acts on the behalf of others. Is that desire itself not beautiful? If you saw the same people suffering that she did, would you not want to help them, too?

I haven’t been shown any of those people, though. So I don’t get it. 

But I’m wasting time with this. I can’t see these people, won’t see them, because I’m living in a different world from Karen. She’s still in middle school, and Koyomi is in high school. This is explicitly called out as being a point of change for him, one where he first began to close himself off to others on account of his self-worth evaporating as he realised the world was more difficult than he had thought. 

Karen and Tsukihi don’t have that, yet. They’re missing the key element that’s driven Koyomi’s whole character progression over these previous four books - the fact that he doesn’t have any friends. Lol. 

But I mean seriously, you see how the problems Koyomi is faced with operate on a completely different level than those the Fire Sisters try to deal with? They have an idea of a clear and simple evil, one that they’ll go to any ends to defeat. 

In comparison - Koyomi isn’t fighting villains. He tries to help the victims of oddities, but they can only save themselves, or so we’re told, making Koyomi seem useless when it comes to the big action scenes. What he struggles to overcome is his vision of himself as a burden, someone whose helpfulness is an unwanted favour and selfishness is a destructive, vampiric urge.

Karen and Tsukihi never once consider the possibility of themselves being burdens. They go off to help people heedless of the potentially destructive consequences (which inevitably seem to result). 

Karen’s ‘acting only on the behalf of others’ is fake to Koyomi because he’s already come to terms with his own selfishness. He couldn’t help Kiss-Shot, couldn’t do what she requested, because her request was to die, and he wanted her to live. The Fire Sisters haven’t yet been faced with such a difficult problem, haven’t yet been asked whether their self-sacrifice is really just self-satisfaction. Koyomi is scared of hurting people. All the time. He makes his decisions with that possibility in mind. That’s something he’s just had to accept. The Fire Sisters don’t seem to worry about that at all. 

When Koyomi tells Karen that before being right, she must be strong, we initially assume he’s talking about physical strength - the ability to defeat one’s enemies. But looking over Koyomi’s past actions, we’ve seen physical strength prove of little use to him time and time again. What he means is the strength of will to not falter in the face of opposition or difficult choices. He may not have been right, when he chose to keep Kiss-Shot alive. But at least he had the balls to do it.

Hanekawa points out he’s really criticising himself with this one. After all, there are plenty of times where he’s failed to show strength, like his struggle to let the second snake go in Nadeko’s case. He couldn’t commit to one course of action or another and risked getting the worst of both worlds. Hanekawa, in contrast, always commits to the bit, never giving away in the slightest that she had feelings for Koyomi after he started dating Hitagi. She’s almost too strong, that was her problem according to Oshino, and indeed in doing so she ended up hurting herself as much as she helped other people.

She has to be aware of her own strength, not act as though everything she’s doing is perfectly normal, hold off on dragging everyone with her directly to the right answer.

In the same way that Koyomi has to be aware of his own weakness, to know he can’t solve everything on his own, and not be afraid to ask for help. 

In the same way that Karen hasn’t quite internalized it, that evil and good aren’t always so obvious, that you need to be ready for getting your ass kicked, and maybe you should have asked a couple of people to come with you.

When Koyomi and Karen fight, he gets the shit beaten out of him, but he still clearly wins. Karen struggles to articulate her viewpoint when faced with an actual objection, and eventually gives in, reassured by Koyomi that he never thought what she was doing was wrong.

Hmmm. I notice that I haven’t discussed Karen’s associated oddity yet, the bee. Interestingly enough, it’s just not that important to her arc. It doesn’t influence her personality or behaviour at all, like many of the other characters’ oddities. It just makes her sick. 

Oshino’s old adage proves true to an extent - the bee does appear for a reason, in the sense that Koyomi says it's her own damn fault, for going up against Kaiki alone. She gets what she deserves! A bit harsh, perhaps. It’s also her own fault in the sense that her overactive imagination is part of what stimulates its effects so much - the bee is a fake oddity, clinging to a fake person, someone who plays make-believe in such a way that they’re susceptible to a fake disease. 

Obviously the fire association with the bee makes sense for her, especially in regard to how it becomes a fever, getting heated up because of justice leads to her pushing herself too hard and burning out. Blah blah blah whatever. The symbolism doesn’t interest me, because I think the far more important thing about the bee is that it’s not representative of a larger problem. Karen acts fairly similarly before and after being afflicted. She isn’t saved by anyone else, but you’d have to stretch to say she saved herself, either. Unlike Koyomi, she has friends. Unlike Hitagi, she doesn’t have difficulty reaching out to others. Unlike Kanbaru, she doesn’t have a hidden side to her, a wish that she can’t fulfill.

I said it already, but the Fire Sisters don’t have regrets. They don’t have any lingering trauma. They’re the ones causing problems for other people, supremely confident in their own righteousness. They may be fakes, but in a sense they’re a lot more real than the rest of the cast.

Tsukihi Phoenix

Well, at least that’s the case for Karen, whose outside image and inside personality are perfectly aligned. For Tsukihi, on the other hand, there’s a bit of a disjunction. 

Alright, I guess we’re doing Tsukihi too. I wasn’t exactly planning on both at once when I started this, but I suppose at this rate I have enough room.

What, I haven’t talked about Kaiki yet? God, who cares. What do you want me to say, here. He’s a fake that’s accepted his fakeness in the same way Koyomi asks of Karen. A withered branch to Koyomi’s sapling, the third stage in the Araragi evolutionary tree. I don’t quite get it, how exactly this man is supposed to be Koyomi taken to his logical extent. He’s evil, but in a very deliberate way. He’s not convinced of his own justice, has no interest in promoting his position. He almost feels like he’s playing a character. I’ll get back to him in later arcs, but for now I think the important thing to note is something I mentioned last time - as a male character, his role is more about mirroring Koyomi than being someone Koyomi ought to forge a connection with. As an adult specialist, his arc is complete, so to speak. There’s nothing in him to change or that needs changing.

He’s the polar opposite of the Fire Sisters in that way. They’re too young to have changed yet, not quite mired in the coming-of-age plotline that ensnares this story’s main characters. Kaiki isn’t an arc character, doesn’t need to be won over by Koyomi, but neither does Karen, really. 

Koyomi already has a deep enough relationship with his sisters - just look at their openings, the lyrics addressed to a vague listener that’s almost him but feels far too idealised, his image cropping up again and again in their visuals. In Platinum Disco, he overshadows Tsukihi from the background, closing his mouth over her and forcing her to dance headlessly. His influence over her is obvious, almost total. In Marshmallow Justice, he’s buffeted around by the currents of Karen’s flames, speaking to a more antagonistic relationship, her trying to insist on her righteousness to him.

This is an established, regular part of their dynamic. If anything, the biggest change to their relationship doesn’t happen in the arc where Karen is afflicted by an oddity, it’s the toothbrush scene at the start of Tsukihi Phoenix. (Which still baffles me in a lot of ways, but I really don’t want to get bogged down in it right now).

I said it already, but Karen’s oddity doesn’t really represent any deep-rooted psychological issues for her - it’s fake.

Unlike Karen, however, Tsukihi’s oddity is of immense significance to her. Not just in terms of its importance to this arc, but all the way down to its influence on her personality and behaviours. After all, Tsukihi herself is the oddity.

The Shide no Tori, an immortal oddity that adapts to its surroundings. It’s volatile, mercurial, constantly renewing itself. It’s also eternal. The core of the thing is that it has no core, no consistent personality, and as such must take cues from those around it. Tsukihi acts according to her whims, but in the end remains incredibly dependent on others, latching onto them to give her a purpose. 

Her justice is fake in the sense that it’s been picked up from Karen and Koyomi. It’s not at the core of her being. 

She doesn’t have the same drive for it that Karen does, and as such tends to follow her sister’s initiative.

But, similarly to Koyomi, she does have the ability to regenerate from fatal danger. Just as he would throw himself into danger to help his friends even without it, she’s said to have thrown herself off a building to help Karen without even knowing she has the ability.

In comparison to Koyomi’s selfish, half-assed vampirism, a healing ability that has him straddling life and death without really making progress in any fight, Tsukihi’s immortality is pure. Instant. Perfect. There are no consequences. 

There are no consequences. She doesn’t regret because she isn’t given anything to regret. Learning about the supernatural would threaten the Shide no Tori’s position as a normal human, so the memories of being killed are wiped from her mind when she wakes up.

Of course she would throw herself into danger to save someone else. She doesn’t really have a ‘self’ to value in the first place. Everything important to her comes from other people. Koyomi faces immense self-loathing for a similar reason. Tsukihi doesn’t seem to be bothered by it, though. Perhaps she can’t be.

She knows her sense of justice is a bit different from her siblings, and she considers the possibility of the Fire Sisters breaking up. The possibility of Karen changing when she reaches highschool, in the same way Koyomi did. The implication being that Tsukihi would not, floating from hobby to hobby without ever forming a permanent attachment to anyone, constantly reinventing herself like a phoenix rising from the flames. 

That’s the Shide no Tori. A clever fake that keeps itself from being noticed by imitating a normal human. Kaiki might say that a deliberate fake may have more value than the original, but even the deliberateness of it is carefully removed, not allowing the host awareness of anything related to their condition. 

In that sense she’s not any more or less human than her siblings. 

That is, I suppose, the main conflict of this arc. It’s centered on Tsukihi but doesn’t involve her - how can it, when her entire gimmick involves being unaware of what’s going on around her?

Koyomi is opposed by the exorcist sisters Ononoki and Kagenui. Just as Kaiki mirrors Koyomi, they mirror the Fire Sisters. The older, physically inclined, human. The younger, an oddity. And they claim to be defenders of justice.

This is the tricky part about justice, which Koyomi has been trying to impart to Karen. Most people think their actions are justified. Someone like Kaiki is an absurd exception. How can you insist on being right when your opponents also claim they’re on the side of justice? We’re not getting a good answer to that in this book. 

Perhaps I’m starting to understand a little how Koyomi is like Kaiki, here. Because he doesn’t claim to be on the side of justice. He never even tries. He gives up that battle before it starts. He’s not on the side of humans. He’s not on the side of oddities. Like the time with Kiss-Shot, he’s nothing more or less than on the side of the person he chooses to protect. 

Little sisters are more important than justice. A sentiment I can get behind.

In any case, there’s something a little bit off about Kagenui here. Part of her motivation is hoping to meet Oshino and in his absence she takes on a little of his role - viewing Koyomi as a human, rather than a monster. 

Something must have set her off, Koyomi thinks, when she starts talking about him forcing his ideals on others. He might be fine with leaving Tsukihi alone, but what would Karen think? His parents? Tsukihi herself? Wouldn’t she become a real problem if she was aware of her true nature as an oddity?

He responds by saying he’s allowed to force things on his family. Once again, he’s okay with being a bit selfish, a bit of a burden. Koyomi’s sisters aren’t like the other girls he meets throughout the series. He doesn’t need to win them over, doesn’t need to break down the barriers between them and come to a complete understanding - he already does understand them.

Tsukihi being an oddity prompts realizations on his part, but nothing he didn’t already know. He already understands and accepts the entirety of her, in the same way they do for him. So he doesn’t need to worry about forcing something that can’t ever be repaid on her. He’d accept the same for her. They would, all three of them, happily die for each other, and they know it.

Something must have set Kagenui off, talking about this topic, and it seems to relate to her relationship with Ononoki. Are they real sisters, or fakes? Wouldn’t it be a real problem if an immortal oddity was aware of her true nature and tried to practice justice regardless? Kagenui argues that Tsukihi would be cruel and arrogant in the pursuit of it, having been freed from the constraints of human reason. 

Koyomi thinks of the former Heart-Under-Blade, someone who was obscenely over-the-top and utterly inhuman. I think of Ononoki Yotsugi, quick to violence, quick to insults, saying she’d be fine if this entire world of fakes was destroyed.

Yep, Kagenui is definitely a bit off, here. Too concerned with matters we aren’t really privy to, at the moment. It’s like the fight with Karen all over again - Koyomi gets the shit kicked out of him, but in the end he’s still standing, and his opponent wavers a little. Finally learning “a lesson ten years in the making”. 

She talks about the inherent nature of humanity, the doctrine of innate evil. If we suppose that people are born evil, then any good act requires putting on a fake persona. Like Hanekawa and Koyomi talked about in Kizu, self-sacrifice vs self-satisfaction. They both think of themselves as faking it, only acting like they’re truly ‘good’, but according to Kagenui’s proposal, there’s no such thing as being truly good. The truest good is in trying to be good, a deliberate imitation. A fake that has more value than the original.

So, where does that leave us? One really has to wonder about Koyomi’s decision to not tell Tsukihi (or even Karen) anything about the supernatural. Another selfish decision, in the vein of what he did to Kiss-Shot. It’s in character, at least. 

I think it’s interesting how he describes it, after kissing her. There was a time where Koyomi was an only child. There was a time when he only had one sister. But for her entire life, there wasn’t a single moment where Tsukihi wasn’t the little sister of him and Karen. Nisemonogatari is about family, and family, for Tsukihi, is something that she can define herself in relation to. It’s a permanent attachment, created by the circumstances of her birth. Like a cuckoo, the Shide no Tori leaves its young in the nest of another family to prepare them for facing the world. Tsukihi isn’t ‘really’ from the Araragi family, in the same way that she doesn’t ‘really’ have a sense of justice like the other two. But in her deliberate attempt to adopt it- well, you know how it goes.

Koyomi doesn’t need to tell her about the supernatural, about the fact that she’s a phoenix, because in a meaningful sense she isn’t one. She’s his sister. She’s Karen’s sister. That’s good enough. 

Koyomi’s last lines are strangely poignant, contradicting the usual epilogue format by occurring before he’s woken by his sisters the next morning. “I got way more involved than usual, but there was no point in staying there forever. For now, I’ll go back to my room and change.”  I feel like it’s a comment on the blending of worlds that’s been going on here - he’s part of the backstage, as Hachikuji puts it. His sisters are at the front. He’s entering the adult world, while they’re still kids. There’s a sense that he shouldn’t get too involved in their incidents, and vice versa. 

A hopeful reading would be that like Koyomi, they’ll also change. In their own time, at their own pace, in their own way.

But that’s all for now. I managed to be somewhat normal about Tsukihi. Somehow. 

[dykeyote]

i've seen a few posts tagged for your oc damian recently and i'm curious about him

EEEEKKK oh damian . he is a specimen

hes a like .... kinda-npc kinda-pc character for a dnd campaign that i threw a bunch of mechanics at to be two player that i dm for me and my gf :3 she's a tiefling-turned-vampire and a rogue (arcane trickster due to her warlock-esque connection to a strange supernatural entity that feeds off of hedonism)

he used to be an actor when she was younger (from like late teens to early twenties) in this dystopian closed-off town called stillwater heights . and kinda went off the rails and had a complete mental breakdown due to that so now she runs a diner in the woods that magically changes locations where he takes blood as currency for food (and sometimes autographs if ppl from stillwater who recognize him stop in) and has a whole lot of lesbian sex . he's extremely emotionally repressed and is kind of still stuck in the Actress Mindset despite literally hating the person he was as an actress so he completely refuses to allow any emotions to show ever and her only real human connection happens through no-strings-attached sex . UNTIL .... she falls in love w a man-made girl who was raised in a lab and still extremely indoctrinated in the weird fucked up cultlike atmosphere around it and as such is somehow even More out of reach and unable to commit to a relationship than damian is and also literally gets crucified at one point due to how kinda insane and self sacrificing she is . uh oh! this goes about as well as you'd expect

she's a freak . she's completely abnormal . she refuses to allow any emotional vulnerability to anyone but also sleeps outside her girlcrush's door like a lapdog sometimes in case someone tries to hurt her . his best friend maxie hates him and the feeling is mutual . he has killed several people and injured many more . he is afraid of dirt . he has a special interest on botany despite this . he's great

[rynhaswritersblock]

peter! from physics!

a/n: this is gonna be one of those shitty fics where y/n and peter are so oblivious that they can't recognize each other's voice I'M SORRY!! also cindy moon is in this but she DOES NOT have powers for this imagine :/ srry

summary: y/n can't be controlled by wallets, peter parker gets crushes too easily, and crime in new york is abnormally low

warnings: the usual cussing, also the usual fluff. in conclusion i write the same shit every time LMAO

+ + +

"hey!" you yell, hands crossed over your chest as you look over the edge of the building, the blue and red figure jumping as he webs a perp to the wall. he looks up at you, the wide white eyes of his mask almost making you laugh as they squint. "aren't you stark's boy?"

"huh?"

the sound of a web latching onto the concrete next to you makes you flinch. spider-man flips himself onto the rooftop next to you, standing and facing you.

"you. stark. didn't he just recruit you?"

"how'd you know?"

his voice is light and incredibly boyish. he stares at you, trying to figure you out.

"well, you're not wearing pajamas anymore," you shrug, traces of humor in your words.

"yeah," the boy nods, "that makes sense."

a moment of silence fills the space between you, the sounds of traffic and people walking filling the background. you turn, sitting on the edge of the roof and dangling your legs. peter stands there for a second, frozen, feeling completely awkward and unsure of what to do.

"so, uh, how long have you been-"

"shadow?"

"yeah," he mutters, sitting beside you.

"almost a year, now," you breathe. the city-scape surrounding the two of you was quite astonishing, actually. all of your outside, mid-western family never understood your parents for moving out to new york, which is, in their words, "the big CRAPple." you don't care, though. it's home.

"cool," the hero mutters under his breath, repeating the word quietly, making you smile underneath the mask.

"you?"

"huh?" the large white eyes gaze at you, his head tilted slightly. "oh. bit over half a year, i think."

"and stark already pulled you in, huh."

the words confuse peter. was that an insult, somehow? were you jealous? the boy certainly thought you were much cooler than him-- energy and light manipulation seemed much more interesting to him than being a human spider.

"what do you-"

"shit," you seethe, head turned away from the boy in red and blue and instead toward the sound of sirens. "gotta go!"

peter's stuck in place as he watches your silhouette flip and twist as you fall off the ledge, white wisps of energy circulating around you as you use your powers to break the fall.

"jeez," he mutters in astonishment.

he stays on the ledge for a minute, in his traditional spider stance, ready to swing over and help you, if needed. yet, something about the way you immediately brought down the robber made him feel like he was okay to go.

it wasn't a long way to headquarters. ever since his recruitment, tony stark had been, as peter put it, "on his ass." every time he went patrolling, he'd have to go to headquarters, give a report, and get a checkup on his suit.

'protocol,' as tony put it.

"identification?" FRIDAY asks.

"it's me, fri."

"welcome, peter."

the doors open and peter walks in, sighing as he rips off his mask. sam, walking by, jumps and steps back, eyes wide and sparkling with mischief.

"shit! bucky, there's a spider in here!"

"get over it you cowar- oh, hey, pete!" bucky smiles and gives peter's messy curls a quick ruffle. "what's with the shit-eating grin?"

the grin drops from peter's face. how long was that there?

"oh, nothing, i, uh, need to see mr. stark," he clears his throat, giving an awkward nod before walking off in the direction of the lab.

"nothing my ass," sam mutters, taking a bite of fruity pebbles out of bucky's bowl.

bucky gasps. "hey!"

+ + +

"hey, mr. stark," peter chimes, tossing his mask on the nearest table. "let's get this over with."

"why such a rush all the time, pete?" the man asks, raising his brows at the boy. "you're fifteen, you have all the time in the-"

"sixteen, actually."

tony gives him a look and scoffs. "whatever."

the two follow the ordinary routine: plug the suit into FRIDAY's system, get it scanned, and, of course, debate star wars and physics theories in the meantime.

"i'm telling you, han sacrificed himself."

"yeah," peter huffs, "said the one who didn't see it coming when darth vader was revealed to be luke's father."

"well at least i'm not a total nerd."

"look around! you have an entire lab dedicated to nerd projects and superhero stuff. the complete epitome of being a total nerd."

tony lets out a defeated breath, subtle smile on his face as he watches the footage from peter's suit upload to the system and appear through the hologram. the grin drops as he focuses on the video, zooming in.

"you were with shadow?"

"oh, yeah!" peter says, perking up, the grin returning to his face. "what's the deal with her, by the way? she-"

"single? don't be a simp, pete."

peter's eyes widen and he looks at the man. "i'm not even gonna... no- uh- okay. what i was gonna say is: she mentioned you and was like 'stark already pulled you in, huh' and it was kinda weird, like she was.. i don't know, salty about it, or something."

a laugh sounds out from tony. "she turned me down, kid."

peter's brows furrow. "turned you- what?"

"i'd asked her to join the team a few months after she'd first started out- same timeline as you, actually- but she declined. had this whole 'ms. independent' thing going on. quite a shame, actually, i set out a room for her and everything."

well if that didn't slightly strike a chord with peter. he didn't realize that he wasn't the only teenager tony'd tried to recruit. he squints at the ground for a second, wrapping his head around all of the new information.

"wait, if she didn't accept the offer, then how is her suit-"

"she was independent enough to turn me down, kid, don't you think she's capable of using a sewing machine?"

+ + +

"cindy, shut up," you seethe, failing at your attempt not to laugh.

"ms. warren doesn't care and we already know this stuff," she giggles quietly, doodling on your notebook. a horrid laugh bubbles from your throat, your attempt to be quiet turning it into a weird noise that only furthers your laughter.

nonetheless, and much to your relief, ms. warren continues with the lesson, babbling about gravity pendulums.

"okay, so how do we calculate linear acceleration between points a and b?" the woman asks.

you knew the answer. didn't feel like speaking, though. cindy simply mutters the answer under her breath and you nod, resting your chin on your hand.

"flash."

"it's the product of sine of the angle and gravity divided by the mass," the boy states, looking over at your table and winking at the two of you. you stick your tongue out at him.

"nope," ms. warren replies, making you and cindy snicker and raise your eyebrows, pouting playfully at the boy's upset expression.

"peter, you still with us?"

you lean back in your seat, catching a glimpse of the boy. somehow, in a school filled with nerds, peter parker managed to get himself shoved to the lower end of the social ladder. he was constantly donned in button-ups, sweaters, and graphic tees bearing geeky science puns. moreover, up until a few months ago, there was a pair of slightly-too-large glasses thrown into the mix.

not that it was a bad thing, though. out of all the boys with that same stereotype, peter parker most definitely pulled it off best. he was quiet, kind, incredibly smart, and, not to mention, hot as hell.

at least in your opinion.

"uh... uh," peter mutters, scrambling to close the laptop sitting in front of him, giving you a better view of his face. "ye- yeah."

you adjust yourself in your seat, facing forwards once again and burying your head in your arms. being single all your life certainly makes your mind drift and heart swell at the sight of cute boys.

"uh... mass cancels out, so it's just gravity times sine."

cindy snickers at you and your overwhelmed state. you sit up, glaring at her and her all-too-knowing self before glancing back at the boy, just in time to miss his glance over at you.

ms. warren nods. "right. see, flash, being the fastest isn't always the best if you are wrong."

your laugh mixes in with the sound of your classmates, flash's face turning a deep shade of red. he turns around, facing peter, mouthing something to the boy that makes his eyes widen. you frown and sigh, refocusing on the lesson, or- in all actuality- the drawing of ms. warren that cindy doodled on your paper.

rather than reopening up his laptop, peter opts for resting his head on his arms, eyes landing on you for a few seconds. huddling with cindy moon, laughing quietly over your notebook, pencils twisting through the air; what peter assumed to be funny drawings of flash.

it wasn't his fault you'd left your notebook open as he walked by a few weeks ago, exposing random doodles of a few classmates (unbeknownst to peter, the sketch of him was on the next page).

while the boy usually spent his class time people-observing, he'd become more keen on watching you. it wasn't a weird thing, though. it was peter parker, bored in a class he was a bit too smart for, looking for something to distract himself. so what if that something was a pretty girl?

the bell rung, a sigh of relief falling from peters lips. everyone stood up, grabbing their bags, crowd slowly filtering out of the door and into the busy hallway. you say bye to cindy, who had rehearsal and claimed that "abraham will literally shoot me if i'm not there in time for warm-ups."

"shit," you mutter as you stumble, looking behind you. "sorry."

"it-" peter's voice gets caught in his throat. his wide eyes meet yours and your cheeks burn, the roses blooming all over them making you even more flustered. "it's, um, it's okay, don't worry about-"

you nod, struggling to crane your neck to look at him in the crowd of bustling teenagers. sucking in a breath, you manage to squeeze through the doorway, composing yourself and turning to look at peter. he wasn't there.

your eyes shut tight and you cringe, taking a deep breath and making your way out of the school doors.

+ + +

"why'd you do it?"

the voice makes you jump. a ball of light ignites from your palm as you turn your head to see a figure in red and blue. a breath of relief leaves your lungs and the ball sparks out, the eyes of spider-man's mask wide. "do what now?"

"whoa- uh, why'd you turn mr. stark down?" he asks, walking up to you. you scoot over, letting him sit next to you, the smooth material of his suit skimming yours.

no wonder spider-man found you so quickly; you spend every night up here.

"you think i wanna be tied down by a rich man? one who would, probably, make me follow certain stupid rules and reprimand me for not handling a situation the way he wanted it to be handled?"

"dang," he mutters, "way to make me feel bad about my decisions."

a laugh bubbles out of your throat, shortly followed by a gasp. "way to make me sound like him!"

the laugh the sounds out from the boy makes your heart flutter. it was boyish and light, confirming your suspicions of his age.

spider-man was definitely a teenager.

"he's not that bad, you know," peter offers, getting a huff from you in reply. "he just cares a lot. doesn't want me or anyone getting in trouble because of the way they handled a situation."

"how are you supposed to learn anything if you have a safety blanket wrapped around you at all times?"

peter froze, the large, white eyes of his mask blown wide. you made a good point.

there was something about you that was so intriguing. the boldness of your actions and the outward independence you carried with you was something that pulled peter in, that made him want to be around someone so unafraid of life's consequences.

he clears his throat. "so, uh, what school do you go to?"

"bold of you to assume i go to school."

you feel the hero freeze next to you, quite obviously caught off guard. peter was so sure you were his age.

"i'm kidding. i go to school, but there's no way in hell i'm telling you that," you sigh. he nodded.

identity was important.

the sound of traffic shuffles peacefully beneath you. you look over at the boy, tapping playfully on his head. "what's on that brain of yours, spider-boy?"

"uh, probably the fact that you continue to get my name wrong."

you laugh. "pretty sure i've got it right."

"whatever," peter scoffs, smile hidden behind the mask. he shakes his head and looks around. "sucks that i can't give you a name like that. what am i supposed to say, silhouette? no light girl? that's boring."

"no light girl, hmm. may just have to change my name for that one," you hum. the boy picks up on your tone and lets out that same laugh that makes your stomach twist.

you were starting to warm up to this boy.

"well, i gotta, uh," peter sighs.

you cock your head at the boy in red and blue, eyebrows raised. he looks at you.

"mr. stark wants me to check in every time i finish patrolling. says it's 'protocol.'"

"you never cease to prove my point, spider-man."

he jumps up, smiling brightly underneath his mask. "you said spider-man!"

"and i already regret it," you reply, looking up and him and saluting as he laughs and jumps off the ledge, swinging between the buildings and towards avengers headquarters.

a sigh falls from your lips as you pull out your phone, pulling up cindy's contact.

y/n/n i think i'm cheating on my unofficial occasional infatuation for peter parker

cindy lou who y/n, you do this every week ...who is it though

y/n/n a boy in red and blue

cindy lou who what the- are you telling me you have a crush on captain america he's like a hundred years old oh my god wait don't tell me it's spider-man

y/n/n ...

cindy lou who no bro like michelle said she saw spider-man just outside of school right after it ended one day

y/n/n wait what

cindy lou who yeah she thinks he goes to midtown

"holy shit," you mutter, stuffing your phone in your pocket.

now you really cared about his identity.

+ + +

"hey guys!" peter chirps, pulling off his mask and shaking his hair out with a smile.

"somebody's happy," natasha muses.

"what? no, it's nothing," he shakes his head. tony walks in, smirk pulling at his lips as he nudges the boy. "what?"

"kid had his first interaction with the girl."

"wait, the girl? as in..." rhodey trails off, raising a suggestive eyebrow.

"holy shit, the kid met shadow!" bucky exclaims, bright grin on his face as he slaps the counter and laughs. "oh my god!"

a series of laughs rings through the team as peter looks at all of them in a hurried confusion. "wait, all of you know her?"

"enough to know why you're in love with her," scott throws in, munching on his sub.

"i'm not in love with her!"

tony claps his back. "only a matter of time, kid. let's get you hooked up."

the two begin walking towards the lab.

"we'll be watching that footage, pete!" sam yells, snickering. "we got ourselves a rom-com."

peter glances back at the group as tony punches in the code, glass doors sliding apart to let the two in. "what's their deal?"

"more like what's yours," tony smirks, plugging peter's suit in. "ever since your first interaction with her, you keep running in here with that goddamn giddy smile."

peter sputters. "well- uh, am i, like, not allowed to have a friend? i can be smiley after making a friend."

"yeah, kid, but this is a girl. and you're peter."

the boy is silent; he had a point. curse you, tony.

"look, pete, if you want her, go get her. i think you two'd be cute. plus, you've probably got a better chance of coaxing her here than i do," tony suggests.

peter gives him a look.

"what? she'd be a great asset to the team, and her powers are unlike any of ours."

"i know, right?!" peter blurts in a rush of excitement, smile tugging at his lips before it falters slightly. "okay, yeah, i see what you mean, now."

+ + +

you slide into your seat, ignoring the smirk pulling at cindy's face as you grab your physics notebook.

"sooo," she drawls, smirking, "let me see the ring! is it red and blue, or-"

"cindy, i will make the neurons firing in your brain short circuit if you say one more-"

"jesus!" she laughs and holds her hands up in surrender. "wait, you can do that?"

you smile, leaning back in your seat as ms. warren begins her lecture over trajectories, doodles of her drawing graphs on the board fluttering out of your pen and out onto your notes. you'd already read this chapter of the textbook; listening was no use.

instead, you let your mind (and eyes) drift to peter parker. as per usual, his head was buried behind the screen of his laptop, only a few rogue curls peeking out. a sigh falls from your lips as you turn your head back towards the board, glancing at the diagrams before hunching over your notebook, doodling spider-man's figure swinging through buildings, just as he had in front of you last night. you close the journal before cindy gets the chance to sneak a peek.

you let your head fall back, face towards the ceiling. a light draft hits you and you sigh.

there was no way spider-man didn't go to midtown.

unless he was just some sick perv who just hung around there after school. but you were sure that wasn't the case.

after another thirty minutes of zoning out, the bell rings, making you flinch out of your daydream and get up, weaving your way through the end-of-day crowd and out into the new york air. ducking into an alley, you quickly manipulate the light waves surrounding you, deeming you invisible. within a minute or so, you're suited up and determined to catch the hero.

and it didn't take much time.

as soon as you walk out from the alley, spider-man is doing the same, jogging out from another alley just diagonal from you across the street. a smile tugs at your mouth and you dart up into the air, landing swiftly onto your rooftop, turning on your crime radar.

thirty minutes later, only having had to hunt down a shoplifter and return the stolen objects, you're laying on the rooftop, physics notebook out as you read and take notes over the next chapter. your ribs start to slightly ache as you curve your body up, stomach pressing against the concrete.

curse me for forgetting a blanket.

"i'm starting to think you live up here."

without looking, you stick an arm out and shoot a quick ball of light at the hero, making sure it just barely skims past his shoulder.

"hey! what was that for?" he whines.

"fun," you look up, eyes shining at him brightly. his playful sigh is muffled through the mask, but it makes you smile even more as he flops down next to you, stretching out on his stomach.

"ooh, physics," he murmurs, scooting closer and looking at the materials. peter's eyes widen when he recognizes the textbook: the same one he has. he clears his throat.

"what?"

"hmm? nothing," he murmurs, glad his flustered expression is masked. his eyes drift along your notes and land on a doodle of a figure swinging through tall buildings. "wait, you drew me?"

shit.

the air catches in your throat as he scoots even closer, shoulder pressing against you as he pulls the notebook towards him, the large white eyes of his suit squinting at the small drawing. a flutter is sent through your stomach.

"no, that's captain america. silly goose."

he turns his head towards you.

"of course it's you, who else would it be," you joke, tone slightly off, embarrassed and wishing you'd been less clumsy.

of course he was going to see that.

peter feels warm and gets a feeling of adoration towards you. he could tell you were embarrassed; he'd cracked you, even for just a second. the boy almost wished you could see the bright smile his mask was hiding.

"so, um," he blurts, sitting up. "let's, uh, get to know each other...?"

you snort, shaking your head and sitting up so that you're next to him, looking out at the surrounding buildings. "very smooth, spider-man."

"i try."

the two of you begin darting questions back and forth. what's your favorite color? y/f/c. what about his? blue. favorite movie? y/f/m. his? revenge of the sith. favorite song, type of food, hobbies- you name it. and, it was actually kind of fun. it was a friendship in which you got to appreciate each other for your personalities, not for your looks. although, peter did find your eyes quite hypnotizing.

"do you have a boyfriend?"

what?

your eyes widen and you suck in a sharp breath. "that was-"

"abrupt, shit, i'm sorry," he breathes, scratching the back of his neck. the fact that your faces were covered helped a little, but it almost felt more awkward, nonetheless. he could see your eyebrows scrunched together and he cringed. "i was just, um, curious, i guess."

"well, no, spider-man. i don't have a boyfriend."

his heart swells. "oh, uh, nice, i guess."

"nice," you humph. "yeah. uh, i'm guessing you probably have a-"

"definitely not," he laughs, shaking his head. the conversation as a whole felt weird, but the boy was smiling under the mask.

it was very peter parker of him to build a crush in such a short amount of time.

+ + +

"cindy," you whisper, sliding into your seat, "spider-man saw my sketch yesterday."

"what?" she turns her head to you, eyes wide and shining with excitement.

"i was doing physics homework on the roof i usually hang out at and he snuck up on me."

she gives you a mischievous grin. you scoff, light grin tugging at the corners of your mouth, pen making contact with the paper as you start on another sketch of spider-man.

you'd be more careful to hide your notes next time.

as much as he resented himself for it, it became routine for peter to sit down, pull out his notes, then ignore the lesson and stare at you instead. he couldn't help it. but as he watched you today, his brain didn't slip into its usual state of zoning out.

instead, it was making connections.

his eyes got wide at his sudden revelation, darting all over the place to make sure no one was paying attention. he pulls out his phone, starting up his drone and watching carefully as it flies over to you, hovering just close enough to see while still staying discreet.

and there it was.

the view from the drone plays on his screen, the oh-so-familiar doodle making peter's breathing stop. he gulps, quickly guiding the drone back into his backpack, leaning back and resting his eyes on you with an exasperated sigh.

holy shit.

+ + +

"not enough crime in queens, huh?"

he jumps, turning around. "where were you? you're always here before me."

"thought i'd turn the tables," you shrug.

peter nods, playing with his fingers. you'd been on his mind all day, head spinning as he tried to wrap his brain around the fact that you, his crush, were the independent hero that never ceased to amaze him. "can i take off your mask?"

spider-man and his unruly mouth.

"um, why?" you laugh nervously, reaching up to fiddle with the fabric that covered the lower half of your face.

"because we're friends, and i trust you," he shrugs, muttering. "and i have a bit of a suspicion."

you suck in a breath. it takes a moment for you to think it through, but it lines up. you were both doing the same job, so what was the fault in knowing what each other looked like? "i mean, i guess. but only if i can take off yours."

he nods, stepping towards you. you reach your hands out simultaneously, eyes sparkling at him out of both nervousness and excitement. you nod and feel the fabric, your safety blanket, slip off of your face.

"i knew it!" the boy yells, jumping back and pumping a fist excitedly.

wild curls, chocolate eyes, gentle smile.

peter parker.

"holy shit, peter! from physics!" you yelp, slapping a hand to your mouth before pulling it away, feeling as though you'd hidden your face for long enough. "wait, you knew?"

"your drawing, in physics. you were drawing in your notebook so i got curious and flew my drone over, then i saw it."

"you were watching me?" you ask, smiling.

peter's cheeks got red, and it was then that it really settled in. spider-man was peter parker. the cute, intelligent boy from physics. the one with puppy eyes and nerdy t-shirts.

"i mean, like, maybe," he looks down, flustered.

"you're cuter than you realize, parker."

the boy raises his head, confused look painted on his face. "did you just-"

you lean up and plant a light kiss on his cheek. peter feels his face get hot as you turn away, looking back to give him a wink before moving to step off the ledge.

the pull of a web stops you.

peter's lips are planted on yours, soft and quick, gentle and unsure. you stumble back, gulping. "peter, you-"

"i guess hanging out with you gave me a bit more confidence," he shrugs, crooked grin on his lips. a laugh leaves your lungs and you lean your head against his shoulder.

the sound of a siren wailing in the distance makes you flinch.

"last one there owes the other a kiss!" peter yells, tugging on his mask and jumping. you sputter before pulling up your mask as well, jumping off and flying next to him.

"you do realize that it works out in your favor no matter what?"

"yup!"

+ + +

rights for cindy moon because she doesn't get enough credit in fics even though she was in homecoming 0_0

[aesthetic-uni]

Let’s interact with the spider gang!

Miguel: Okay raise of hands who actually has a brain cell here?

Peter B:

Ham:

Noir:

Poppy:

Miles:

Gwen: *starts to raise hand*

Miles: *Lowers hand*

Peni: Does it count if it’s in the possession of my spider, and not me

-🕷🕸-

Miles: Strange flex but cool beans

Gwen: Freaky flexing but whatever

Peni: Quirky characteristic but allowed

Poppy: Abnormal brag but continue

Noir: Strange flaunt, but alas

Ham: Unorthodox display of hubris but very well

Peter B: So this is what hell is like

-🕷🕸-

Poppy: You guys never heard of Batman? Or the Justice League?

Everyone, putting away their comics: No...

Alternatively

Miles: So Nick Fury of all people come up to me-

Poppy: Woah woah woah. Like the comic book hero?

Ham: ???

Miles: Comic book hero?

Poppy: Yeah, Nick Fury, played by Samuel L. Jackson, wears an eyepatch, ominous as fuck

Miles: Weird, that sound just like him. Here, look *shows picture*

Poppy:

Poppy, softly: Holy fuck

-🕷🕸-

Miguel: I just feel like I’m doing all the work and I’m not getting any credit-

Poppy: Let me ask you a very fair question. What do you do successfully

Miguel:

Poppy: Quickly

-🕷🕸-

Poppy and Gwen, to Peni: Aren’t you tired of going apeshit

P and G: DON’T YOU WANT TO BE NICE?!

Peni: No :3

-🕷🕸-

Noir: On one hand it’s very good to have someone you can talk to about your feelings

Noir: On another hand this whole group is ready to storm my dimension to commit several murders and I don’t know how long I can hold them back

-🕷🕸-

Mary Jane: Peter, if we are going to have a relationship again, I think it is best we talk about children before starting anything

Peter B: Okay, okay. I have four children

Mary Jane:

Mary Jane: Wha-

Peter B: They’re technically not mine, but the bond just happen y’know! We meet up every weekend in Miles dimension for burgers, I can introduce you to them then!

Mary Jane: I was gone for like a year what the fuck happened

-🕷🕸-

Poppy: Hey Peter can we visit your dimension next week!

Peter B: Ask your mother

Miles: ...Who’s the mother of the group?

Gwen: Hey Ham-

-🕷🕸-

Mary Jane: Hi I’m MJ and this is the Mary Janes

The Spider gang, all wearing handle bar mustaches: GO GWEN!!!!

-🕷🕸-

Peter B, who borrowed Poppy’s phone to look something up: You have a girl’s group chat?

Poppy: Obviously. It’s where we send memes to each other

Peter B: You guys already send memes to the group chat

Poppy: Oh nononono

Poppy: It’s where we send memes specifically about you guys

-🕷🕸-

Peter B, Ham, and Noir: I can’t believe we adopted four unruly teenagers

Aunt May: Join the club

-🕷🕸-

Peni: As the once great fire god said

Peni: “I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid”

-🕷🕸-

Mission: Calls for a self sacrificing idiot

Every spider, immediately: I VOLUNTEER!!!

-🕷🕸-

Poppy and Gwen: We only had Peni for a day and a half

P and G: But if anything happened to her we will destroy everything in this dimension and then ourselves

The Spider dudes, nodding: Valid

-🕷🕸-

Peni: Leg

Gwen: Shoulders

Miles: Knees

Poppy: And toes

Peni: You idiots it’s ‘HEAD shoulders knees and toes!’

Poppy: You started it with legs?!?

Peni: THIS IS NOT WHAT I WAS PLANNING

-🕷🕸-

Poppy: I miss Normie

Miles: Uh, anyone else?

Poppy: JJ? MJ? Betty? Of course I miss them!

Miles: Do you not have a whole ass sibling back home?!

Poppy:

Miles:

Poppy: p e t e r

Peter B, Ham, Noir: Suddenly, I don’t feel safe anymore

-🕷🕸-

Gwen: I don’t dance when I fight

Gwen: I perform

*whole badass dance-fight scene*

Doc Ock: 10/10!

-🕷🕸-

Ham: Become Spider-Ham they said

Ham: It would be fun they said

Ham, pointing to apartment where the Spidergang is: LOOK WHAT I WOKE UP TO THIS MORNING

-🕷🕸-

Peter B: So we’re going to be all sneaky to get the information

Peni: Or, hear me out

Peni: Explosions

-🕷🕸-

Peter B, upon meeting the spiderkids: You remind me of myself when I was younger

Peter B: This will end badly for everyone

-🕷🕸-

Miguel: Okay who here is actually straight

Peter B:

Noir:

Ham:

Miles:

Poppy:

Gwen:

Peni: *starts to raise hand but pauses*

Peni: *shakes head and lowers hand*

[avengershumanresources]

amor somnus Part 2 of 2

A/N: Completed for @softhairbarnes‘ “I love you 3000″ challenge! Warnings: This is some ridiculous fluffy stuff, no smut or egregious violence. Pairing: Dr. Stephen Strange x Reader Rating: T-ish (Maybe PG?) Word Count: 3,144 Summary: Reader is under a curse. Stephen freaks out. Feelings are felt.

“What did I say?” Stephen grumbled, pacing through his study while Wong settled your still form on a nearby table. “I said there was something off, and everyone decided to brush it off like it was nothing. I should have been more thorough…”

He stood over you, checking your vitals and letting out a low sigh of defeat. Everything was normal. No abnormal temperatures, markings, or physical signs of distress. It was as if you’d fallen into deep sleep and refused to wake up.

“She was fine, and then passed out in the hall…?” he recited back to Wong after hearing the explanation over and over. You hadn’t been out of Stephen’s sight for very long and even then, you’d been with Wong in the kitchen.

There wasn’t anything you could have gotten into in that time frame, and you’d collapsed just outside of his study, suggesting it’d been maybe a minute or two you’d been out of Wong’s sight.

His gut kept telling him it was something to do with the demon, but he didn’t have evidence to support it. In response, his head throbbed when his skin graced yours.

“How are you not feeling that?” Stephen looked toward Wong, taking a few steps away from you and heaving a long sigh. “It’s so… bothersome.”

“More so than a constant string of terrible movie quotes?” his friend joked, and Stephen made a face.

“Those aren’t even that bad,” he commented, his fingers going to his chin while he considered your condition. “Perhaps the curse was meant for me? That’s why it isn’t causing her harm, but I can still sense it?”

“That’s reasonable enough,” Wong agreed. “I’ve heard of this happening with certain spells that link the users. Blood pacts and the such.”

“But with a demon?” Stephen questioned softly, his gaze falling back to where you slept soundly, blissfully unaware of the tension that thickened over the room.

“It’s not my place to comment on your weird relationship, but strong emotions are as natural to the mystic arts as an exploding sun,” he stood up, muttering something about going to Kamar-Taj to speak with the demon and left the room.

Stephen stood in place, emotionally drained of all reason as he lifted one of your hands, clutching it between shaking fingers and running through anything he could have missed.

You were absolutely infuriating, but not in the ways you probably thought.

You were needlessly self sacrificing, this being a prime example, and often it landed you in dangerous situations. This was stressful for Stephen, as while he respected your abilities as a hero and a Master of the Mystic Arts, there was nothing more terrifying to him than the prospect of not seeing your smile at the end of the fight.

“You’re an idiot,” he muttered, giving your hand a frustrated squeeze. If you had allowed him to take the brunt of the spell, as intended, instead of jumping in the way...

He wondered if you would have reacted the same way. He mused over the thought, recalling the time he’d broken his leg during a fight with Mordo. Even after Wong had repaired the break, you refused to leave him alone for days.

By Vishnu were you stubborn…

Yet, he couldn’t imagine his life any other way. He couldn’t imagine the Sanctum without your presence. Already, it was unsettling to him. Stephen hadn’t realized how important the chime of your laugh was... until it was gone.

His stomach dropped when he tried another spell to awaken you, but to no avail.

Nothing. Not even a flinch.

How long could the curse last? Days? Months? Years?

He recalled a fairy tale he read where the princess remained frozen in time the entirety of the spells duration. Would he age and watch you remain unmoving in front of him? A reminder of his failure to protect someone he loved-?

The word caught him by surprise. His heart gave a leap but he swallowed the sensation down and released your hand, summoning the cloak and opening a portal to the Kamar-Taj library.

He needed to get out of his head, he needed to find answers.  

(—)

It’s been two weeks since Stephen found you outside of the study.

Two weeks of nothingness.

The demon provided no direction, even when Stephen threatened its life, the creature simply laughed at the sorcerers desperation.

They consulted other masters who knew nothing of curses that bond the victims to eternal slumber. They tried spells and amulets, potions and blood magic, with no results.

You remained as unchanged as the day you’d collapsed.

Stephen wasn’t sleeping. At least, not willingly. He would stay up for days at a time and then drop into a brief nap before continuing the cycle again.

He even purchased a coffee maker and placed it in the study to fuel his late night research.

A little part of him had hoped the smell would have been enough to rouse you. Normally you would sense a Americano a block away.

Wong travelled out of the Sanctum most days to consult with anyone who might have an idea of what was occurring, leaving Stephen to his thoughts and silence.

That was the worst part in all of this. The loss of your floating laughter, the creaks on the hardwood as you moved around the building.

He hadn’t realized the little things he missed. He would have given anything to argue whether Indiana Jones or Jurassic Park was better.

You let out a heavy breath, catching his attention. No movement. Nothing.

He threw fist down on a nearby desk, fumbling through a nearby notebook and shaking his head, at a total loss. He’d probably dug through the entire sanctum library by now. Everything was a mess.

You were definitely going to kill him when you woke up for messing up your hard work.

What would you have suggested? He needed to look at this problem in a different manner. Logic wasn’t working, but he was too sleep deprived to think of alternative actions.

“My ally is the force, and a powerful ally it is...” he muttered, dropping to the chair he’d set up next to your head and sinking his face into his palms. “You wouldn’t be scared, would you? Fear leads to the dark side and all of that. At least that’s probably what you would have told me…”

Though you’d deny it, he’d seen you afraid before. You always fought it down for the task at hand. He respected your tenacity in the face of adversity. There wasn’t anything you wouldn’t do for the ones you cared for, even if you were scared to the core.

How many times had you made the sacrifice play to ensure he could complete a mission?

You hadn’t even hesitated with the demon to step in front of him. No fear. No thought. just pure instinct to protect him. Was it because he was the Sorcerer Supreme?

No, he knew better. The playful grins over the rims of tea mugs and your excitement when he would figure out a complex ritual.

Gods, he missed the hell out of you.

He pulled his head up, watching each slow breath in the rise and fall of your chest.

Were you dreaming? There really was no telling. Your eyes never moved, so perhaps you hadn’t gone into REM, but with magic there wasn’t a way to be completely sure.

He stood dumbly at your side longer than he would have liked to admit. He’d almost forgotten the color of your eyes. Almost. The only reason he hadn’t was that they stared back at him every time he allowed himself a moment of sleep.

Stephen huffed under his breath, reminding himself to get back to work and read over a text Wong had brought back a few hours previously. In his haste, a stray hair fluttered over your features. He froze.

With a shaky hand, he gently tucked it behind your ear, his fingers tracing the edge of your jaw line. You were surprisingly warm to the touch, even if your cheeks were flushed from the curse.

A small jolt shot up his hands with the passive touches and he found himself moving closer, a magnetic pull moving him outside of his control.

It happened without a conscious thought.

One moment he was gazing down at your face.

The next? He brushed a soft kiss across your lips.

Stunned by the action, he took a step back. He was frozen in place, unable to explain the phenomenon that had overcome him. Stephen Strange was not the type act on impulse.

He was just tired.

Turning to resume his research, only a few heartbeats passed before he heard a rustling over his shoulder. Assuming it was Wong returning from his travels, he paid no mind to it and continued to focus on the book in front of him.

“Stephen?” Your tone was meek and confused. He dropped his book and spun around, finding you sitting up on the table. Blankets he’d set over you, were gathered in your lap while you took in the scene. “What on Earth happened?”

The doctor had no words. He lifted your chin and pressed another kiss to you. Despite the dazed expression on your face, you reciprocated in turn, pulling him closer until you both pulled away breathing heavily.

Your eyes searched his face for explanation. It wasn’t like you hadn’t thought about the possibility of… this. You were just happy with a platonic relationship.

“I… I love you,” he finally spoke, his hands still cupped around your cheeks. Slowly a small smile spread across your face at the declaration. You couldn’t help yourself.

“I know.”

Instead of a sigh, he kissed you again, silencing your giggles with more pressing matters.

Part 1

[iraklismytridis]

Starseed Syndrome: Learning to Have Compassion for Yourself

Starseeds and lightworkers have come here to earth to help earth in her Ascension. They’re not a new innovation because they have been incarnating on earth for a long time, steering the people of this planet towards higher consciousness. In duality, there’s a positive side and a negative side to being a starseed/lightworker. The negative side is that you can feel different from others on this planet, like an outsider. This can lead to a whole host of difficulties as you traverse this lifetime towards self awareness.

You learn to reject yourself because you feel different from everyone else. It starts at a very young age before you can develop any conscious understanding of what you’re doing. If you come from a dysfunctional family, this habit of self rejection can become a disproportionate problem which keeps you from alignment with your soul.

Characteristics:

– You have a pervasive sense that there’s something wrong with you – Why don’t you fit in, why are you different? – Why do you see things differently, why do you feel different? – What’s the matter with everyone else? Why can’t they see it my way? – Why do people love everything and you have a problem with it? – Why are you bored with others? – Why do people do that? Don’t they know better? – Why can’t you behave like other people? – This leads to an inferiority complex – Empaths who are unconscious are particularly at risk of feeling different because they are sensing the emotions of those who are disguising them at surface level. Often life experiences are incongruent – the inside doesn’t match the outside and people are perplexing to you – Having been born into a dysfunctional family only exacerbates the feeling of being different; it really takes on a context of being “flawed” rather than different – People tell you you’re weird or different, never admirable – You tend to stay alone rather than with others, you get labeled as anti-social – You get bored a lot – You learn to fear people who bring out this feeling of being abnormal (arguers, instigators, perpetrators), you fear their reaction to you because you see it as further proof of your strangeness and inability to cope or to fit in – Instances of rejection by others fuel your self rejection complex- you think “all these people can’t be wrong about me!” because you keep getting the same reactions from different people. You don’t understand that these reactions are prompts to change brought on by universal law, not evidence of the undeniable truth of your being flawed. – Feeling of needing to fit in, while all the while fighting the desire NOT to fit in, you become conflicted. This can make you appear to be indecisive, which prompts more negative reaction towards you so you become secretive and alienate others – You become very hard on yourself, all the while trying to fit some standard that you’re not interested in anyway – You become confused. Life perplexes you because you need to understand yourself in order to understand how you see it. – Your outer appearance is a mask to cover up your inner experience.

Not understanding who you really are and where you’ve come from, you may find all sorts of other explanations for why you feel different. As a child, I reasoned that it was because I was tall. Later on I felt different because I was overweight. My somewhat ample nose also supplied an excuse, it must’ve been because of that. Thinking primarily as a physical being, you tend to blame your physicality for your feeling of being different and the self rejection you are perpetrating upon yourself. This can have further ramifications later on as you develop a poor body image and possible eating disorders.

Or maybe it was because the other kids were good at gym class and I frankly couldn’t stand it? I didn’t like volleyball. I didn’t get picked until the end of the team formation either; these types of events only added to the self rejection. You take every slight as further evidence of your strangeness. You rationalize everything as further evidence to support your case against yourself. You beat on yourself because you can’t appear to fit into the standard – you’re not athletic, or you’re not intellectual, or you’re not pretty or handsome, or you’re not musically inclined. Anything you can’t manage to look even passable at, your ego will hound you for failing at.

When we begin to develop telepathically, when we begin to understand we see things others can’t, when we begin to understand that we live in a world that others don’t comprehend and worse, one that they think is imaginary or foolish, this can add to the self rejection. When it became apparent I had psychic abilities as a teenager, that was another thing that made me different and set me up to further reject myself. As a teenager, I wanted desperately to fit in but hung out with the “out” crowd because that’s how I felt – like an outsider.

Understand that your attempts to fit in tend to repress your budding multidimensional abilities and slow down your Awakening. Not accepting what you are capable of inhibit these abilities. You are literally in a battle between wanting to fit in to your earth life and blooming into the starseed/lightworker you were born to be.

I sensed that being different would not help me in future. I feared being different but I was fearing my destiny. I saw one girl after the next get picked as desirable by guys in school while I stood there, waiting for once to be the belle of the ball. I was a very shy person growing up.

I kept looking for places for misfits to hang out at, wanting to socialize with people like myself. That was until I discovered alcohol. Inhibitions left me as I further revealed my superficial mask. I became the life of the party. I’m now 20 years sober.

Having studied spirituality later on in my 20’s, I attracted attention as being somewhat of an expert. I was welcomed for my knowledge in this area. This was a relief because whatever it was that I had done in the past nobody else seemed to be interested in. I always had to bend to their will and do as they were doing, and in so doing, I lost whatever sense of self I had. I was fated either to bending to their will to appear normal or striking out on my own to attend spiritualist churches, lectures by astral travelers and seminars by animal communicators. I was alone. Nobody I knew wanted to talk to their cats.

Starseed Syndrome will morph into all kinds of false ideas about yourself because you don’t understand why you feel different. This trait you have of being self rejecting will come out whenever you’re at odds with life on earth and it will take flight like the Goodyear blimp on helium whenever you feel rejected by anyone. It can morph into self hatred for any number of reasons, with the fact that you’re inexplicably different from others on earth as being the core reason.

Nip it in the bud now. Understand yourself and love yourself for all the wonderful things you’ve chosen to come here to do. List them if you have to. Look back to all the times you helped a blind lady cross the street, helped a blind man in the subway and rescued a cat. Write them all down. Read about other lightworkers doing great work and understand you’re like them.

Which brings me to the last point I need to make about Starseed Syndrome. Until you learn to have compassion for the bright spark of light that volunteered to be born here on earth, to help an entire race of people survive an extinction event, until you feel with your heart for that beautiful spark of life, you will continue not to accept yourself every time you have a fall-out with another earthling. All those old voices of “You’re weird,” “What is wrong with you?” “Why can’t you get along with anyone?” “People hate you!” will continue to haunt you.

And the dark will continue to send its minions your way, just to keep reminding you.

Starseed Syndrome has to be healed. This lack of self acceptance has to be met with compassion for a change. You’re a beautiful being who has sacrificed much to come to earth to help those who are mean to you. That’s an incredible act of love and courage.

Keep telling yourself the truth of who you are every time the dark sends a minion to anger you, upset your life, go into battle with you. Refuse to fight these little skirmishes. There are bigger fish to fry.

You ARE different and it’s because you’re different that this world will thrive again. It’s because you’re different that the Light is shining on this world once more. When you learn to embrace the positive things about yourself and understand that the negative things are ideas you surmised out of ignorance at a time in your life when you were developing and didn’t know any better, you can then let them go.

Understand what you’ve come here to do, have compassion for yourself and learn to validate yourself and your multi-dimensional experiences in a world where few will.

Many of us choose the path to the Light through negativity for the reason that it must be healed in the collective. Understanding this about yourself will help in your healing and of others’

[fae-fucker]

Zenith: Chapter 37-40

Chapter 37

So this chapter is very rapey and if you’re not comfy reading it I can safely say that it’s not crucial to the “plot” of the rest of the book at all and you can skip it if you wish. 

We’re back with Klaren, who’s being strangled by General Cortas because he’s mad that he’s constantly horny for her. She mind-controls him into letting her go and we find out that she’s been here for two years, where they forced her to send videos to the King of Xen Ptera to get him to surrender but she’s a rebel so she told him to keep fighting. 

During that time, she’s also been brainwashing General Cortas into “loving” her. And now that his mind has been completely fucked, it’s time for Klaren to also get fucked. 

No, really. This was apparently the “sacrifice” she was supposed to make. 

She was born to do this. Born to sacrifice herself. Her heart, to the king of Xen Ptera. Her daughter, unplanned, had been sacrificed, too.

Now, she would willingly give up her body to the cause.

[...]

They spent the rest of the night together, tangled in the sheets. 

Tangled in her lies.

Now, let me explain how this squicks me out, beyond the obvious. 

Are we supposed to feel ... bad? Feel sad that she’s doing this? Feel bad for her? Because so far, General Cortas/Cyprian has been painted and portrayed as a crusty antagonist who’s out to get out dear Andi and Dex, while every Klaren chapter has been all about how she’s sad and she has to sacrifice herself and how it’s her destiny and how she regrets she can’t stay with her family and all that jazz. We even get an emphasis on how she’s in love with her king and loves her daughter as well.

Like, I know in the end Cyprian dies (spoilers, but I talked about this in my review so) and Klaren only exists in flashbacks, so it’s not like we’re getting redemption arcs for either of them. 

But like, if this is supposed to make me uncomfortable and to be very muddled then I’m honestly impressed. But I doubt it? And I’m very unsettled by the fact that we spend so many chapters moping around with Klaren to sympathize with her and her plight, and I don’t understand why they chose to spend so much time on the backstories of two characters that are either dead or will die in the main timeline in the first place. 

Nexus better answer these questions or else it will just prove Shinsay wrote this because ... No, I don’t think Nexus can justify this, actually. I don’t get why this subplot exists.

SHINSAY WHY DID YOU WRITE THIS

Chapter 38

We’re back with Andi post-argument and she’s in the med bay with Gilly and Lira, and we get an actually pretty nice, quiet moment where the girls try to both care for Andi and give her space. If y’all had focused on this instead of the mind-rape and the mind-control (oh boy I bet these two will have shit to do with each other huh) and the reality TV drama and space wars you defo can’t write it would’ve been a much better and more fun book. 

Anyway, the other girls leave to eat and Andi chooses to remain with Valen and watch over him. Lira drops this on us:

“There’s a fissure in you. I can sense it even from here.” Lira loosed a gentle sigh before explaining her words. But when she did, they sunk like a rock into Andi’s gut. “Sooner or later, you’re going to have to choose between forgiveness or hate. And you and I both know which one is harder to live with.”

I know this is in reference to Dex, considering how Andi’s been all quiet and weird after their argument, but honestly? Andi’s looking at Valen’s fucked body and my headcanon is that Lira is actually referring to Andi herself. Think about it. Lira knows what happened. Lira knows Andi still feels like it’s her fault Kalee died. 

And instead of it being another tired “forgiving is better for ur soul than hatred uwu” sentiment, when applied to Andi’s self-hatred, this would be a hard-hitting and genuinely insightful statement from Lira. 

Because self-hatred is harder to live with than self-forgiveness.

But this is Shinsay and I’d be surprised if they thought that far.

Anyway, Andi has yet another flashback to the crash and Kalee’s death and it’s all blood and metal and bla bla bla, we’ve seen this a billion times already. Then it turns out that Valen’s tests come back positive for “abnormalities,” and then he wakes up and is all like “kill meeeeeeeeee” and the chapter ends. 

Riveting. 

Chapter 39

We skip to some time later, I guess? Dex is shirtless and getting his nails painted by Gilly, which is fun. They discuss whether Valen is or isn’t a mutant, and we get this:

“Valen is no different than us,” Andi said to Dex, “and he’s not a mutant. And put on a damned shirt. This is a spaceship, not a pleasure palace.” 

“It used to be both.” He waggled his eyebrows at her, then winced as Andi ripped off one of his boots and launched it at his face.

Y’all really gonna talk about how much sex you used to have when there’s a literal 13-year-old right there in the room with you who’s listening and is a part of this conversation? 

Interesting choice there, Shinsay. Not even a little uncomfortable at all. Just these two adults talking about how they used to fuck while one of them is shirtless.

Andi thinks about how the Marauder used to be a man cave, and yes, that’s what the text says, and how it’s actually beautiful and modern and well-furnished now because they have genuine Adhiran cowhide couches. Then there’s more descriptions of the interior of the ship and I’m extremely bored and wondering why we needed to know the layout of the kitchen or what Alfie was wearing while in said kitchen (it’s a Kiss the Cook apron, btw). 

There’s a little argument about whether Valen is or isn’t a mutant due to his weird blood. It’s completely pointless. 

“Ah-hah!” Alfie’ s head emerged from the cooling unit, frost covering the tip of his oval chin. “I have discovered the source of the smell.” He held up a dripping hunk of green meat, then proceeded to march over to the small ejection site and blast it out into space.

... Right. 

So why do you people have a dedicated trash compartment again? 

All this waffling about brings nothing, as Alfie just cryptically says that Valen’s DNA seems to have changed and that they’ll have to do further tests once Valen’s back home.

Andi thinks about how Gilly does have a soul after all, because Gilly seems excited about having a mutant on board. This book has too many characters considering whether they or someone else they know has a soul or not. I think it’s Shinsay’s way of trying to be deep. 

Andi thinks about how cool her team is and how they got out of Lunamere without issue and how it’s gonna be nice to take a break. Then the ship starts crashing, I guess? 

We gotta throw more forced plot into the narrative because clearly these characters don’t actually have any goals of their own. 

Chapter 40

We’re back with Nor, who’s moping about her backstory and Zahn and Darai again. We find out through math that she’s 26? 

Anyway, remember the prison guard they were gonna test Zenith on? Yeah, she’s dead. Which does indeed confirm that they hadn’t tested it before then. Alrighty. I also don’t get why they test it on their own loyal citizens instead of, you know, the prisoners they have in Lunamere. It just makes so much sense to try to brainwash someone who already loves you into loving you more and risk them dying from this foreign chemical instead of trying to brainwash someone who hates your guts and who wouldn’t be a loss if they died anyway. 

IT JUST MAKES SO MUCH SENSE YOU GUYS. 

This time, they are testing it on prisoners, so maybe their “head scientist” (more like two-head scientist amirite fellas) learned their fiking lesson. Ok but then Aclisia says these prisoners are the “first participants in the study” which ... Yeah it doesn’t make sense and I’m pretty sure they’re not participants nor is this a study. 

Then Aclisia says this will be the “final batch.” So ... the Lunamere guard is not classified as a test subject nor a “participant,” and these guys are “participants” but will hopefully be the “first” but also “final” test subjects? 

You’d think having two heads would make for a better scientist.

You’d think having two heads would make for a better writer ...

One of the prisoners calls Nor a “scnav,” which does sound nastier than all the other dumbass curse words they scrapped, and Nor says that they’ll begin testing on that one. 

Aclisia says that “the weapon” is effective on any body part, as long as it comes in contact with the skin and can enter the blood stream. So ... Which one of those? Cuz having both makes no sense. The former sort of makes the other irrelevant. Also, what if an alien creature doesn’t have skin or blood? I guess it’s just universal. Even though they’ve only tested it on one alien species before ... and she died from it.

Flawless worldbuilding, lads. 

We find out that Zenith has the ability to “to enthrall a person or terrify them, depending on how strong their will was” which is ... dumb as hell even before combined with the fact that 1) they haven’t tested it on live subjects until now and 2) it apparently transcends species. And now you’re telling me it will also work differently on different individuals based on their “will?” How is that even quantifiable? And if it is, how did they define it? How did they define something so nebulous so closely, without ANY test subjects, to the point of making this silver goop able to tell apart who has a strong will and who doesn’t?

Whatever. Zenith seems to work and the prisoner now obeys Nor’s every whim.

He lowered his head in an attempt to bow, even with his hands tied.

You don’t need your hands to bow but go off.

The other prisoners get Zenith’d as well.

[Nor] turned to Darai and Zahn with a grin as solid as steel. “My soldiers, it’s time to darken the stars.”

And we got Zenith’d too, my lads.

[cutepresea]

2-4 One Winged Wielders: Black Noise

Insert the usual apology for spam here.

If you want to blacklist these, you can use either the tag #one winged wielders for just this event, or #xdu event scripts for all these posts in general.

Reminder that these are copied straight from XD Unlimited itself, so any grammatical weirdness, mistranslations, and/or mischaracterizations are not my doing.

Genjuro Kazanari: "Are you feeling well rested? Sorry for calling you up this early in the morning."

Hibiki Tachibana: "We're totally ready, Master!"

Genjuro Kazanari: "Master?"

Hibiki Tachibana: "Whoops. Forget I said that."

Genjuro Kazanari: "S-Sure? Anyway, let's continue where we left off."

Genjuro Kazanari: "I heard your objectives, and I'd like to share our info on the abnormalities here. Anything you want to know?"

Maria: "Well there is one thing. Can you tell us anything about the Tsubasa Kazanari that lived in your world?"

Kanade Amo: "Wha?!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Maria...?"

Hibiki Tachibana: "You mean our Tsubasa-san?"

Maria: "When you saw us, you were surprised to see Tsubasa. Meaning, Tsubasa must have also been a wielder here."

Genjuro Kazanari: "That's right. Tsubasa was a Section Two wielder."

Hibiki Tachibana: "Was?"

Genjuro Kazanari: "Let's start from the beginning. Tsubasa and Kanade were a pop duo."

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Zwei Wing..."

Genjuro Kazanari: "So it's the same in your world, too. That'll speed things up. The incident happened at their first concert."

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Huh?!"

Genjuro Kazanari: "During the concert, a swarm of Noise suddenly appeared. Amidst them were some Karma Noise..."

Genjuro Kazanari: "It was the first time that variety was observed. Tsubasa and Kanade fought them, but were gravely injured."

Genjuro Kazanari: "It was then that Tsubasa sung her Superb Song. She unleashed a strike so powerful it shattered her Gear..."

Genjuro Kazanari: "She sacrificed herself in the process."

Kanade Amo: "......"

Genjuro Kazanari: "That's what happened to the Tsubasa in our world."

Maria: "How interesting. That must be the diverging point in history between our worlds. Right, Tsubasa?"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Yeah..."

Ryoko Sakurai: "Speaking of which, what happened in your world?"

Hibiki Tachibana: "Kanade-san used her Superb Song..."

Tsubasa Kazanari: "And I was the one who survived."

Maria: "We also didn't have any of those strange Noise appear. In exchange, we got something far bigger though."

Maria: (A monster called Finé.)

Ryoko Sakurai: "Hm? What is it?"

Maria: (I wonder if Finé is inside Ryoko Sakurai... I should refrain from mentioning Finé just in case.)

Maria: "Nothing. There were a few things that happened to us after the concert..."

Genjuro Kazanari: "I see. The Lunar Attack, Frontier Incident, and even the Magical Girl Incident, you say..."

Ryoko Sakurai: "Your world is filled with even more conflict than ours, and there're six wielders? Sounds pretty rowdy to me."

Hibiki Tachibana: "There's no one besides Tsubasa-san and Kanade-san for you?"

Genjuro Kazanari: "Correct. No one else has been found. Perhaps if we found you in our world, you could have become wielders."

Maria: "That would be difficult. My Airget-lamh hasn't been discovered, right?"

Maria: "One incident at that concert birthed other more subtle changes. I wouldn't know what sorts of wielders you'd find."

Ryoko Sakurai: "Well, that would make sense. Oh and speaking of, about that Airget-lamh..."

Ryoko Sakurai: "I don't suppose you mind letting me take a gooood look at it?"

Maria: "Huh?"

Ryoko Sakurai: "It's a relic I've never seen before. I can't wait to get my hands on it! Come on. Please? Go on, don't be shy."

Maria: "H-Hey! Stop pulling on me!"

Ryoko Sakurai: "Genjuro-kun, you take care of the rest. I'm going to be getting up to some fun stuff with her."

Maria: "What's that supposed to mean?!"

Genjuro Kazanari: "Go easy on her, Ryoko-kun."

Hibiki Tachibana: "This is kind of calming. Ryoko-san is still the same old Ryoko-san, isn't she!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Yeah."

Genjuro Kazanari: "What's going on here?"

Hibiki Tachibana: "It's nothing! Um, Master... Wait, I take that back."

Genjuro Kazanari: "Do you mind telling me why you call me Master? Am I your teacher or something in your world?"

Hibiki Tachibana: "Yeah! You teach me martial arts!"

Genjuro Kazanari: "I couldn't teach anyone martial arts. All I know is the bare minimums of self defense."

Hibiki Tachibana: "Oh, please. You're stronger than us wielders even when unarmed."

Hibiki Tachibana: "You stopped Tsubasa-san's attack with your fist and stomped on the ground to flip asphalt."

Genjuro Kazanari: "Is the other me... Is he even human?!"

Hibiki Tachibana: "Huh? You can't do that?"

Kanade Amo: "I have no idea what you're talking about. The old man isn't able to fight."

Genjuro Kazanari: "She's right. You make it sound like I could move heaven and earth, when I can barely get off the couch."

Kanade Amo: "Seems like this is rather different from your world."

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Kanade..."

Tsubasa Kazanari: (Then what was Tsubasa like in this world?)

Hibiki Tachibana: "This is such a surprise! I can't believe Master is just a regular human."

Genjuro Kazanari: "How do you think I feel hearing about the other me?"

Kanade Amo: "...Hey."

Hibiki Tachibana: "Yes?"

Kanade Amo: "In your world, I..."

Sakuya Fujitaka: "We're detecting a high energy signal! It's Noise!"

Genjuro Kazanari: "Kanade, wielders of the parallel world... We're counting on you!"

Maria: "Hah!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Tachibana! Let's follow Maria's lead!"

Hibiki Tachibana: "Got it! Raaaah!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Let's finish them off!"

Hibiki Tachibana: "We did it!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Yeah. But it seems like it's not over yet."

Hibiki Tachibana: "Whoa. There's still so many of them..."

Maria: "Let's stay alert. I just wish she would cooperate with us a bit more."

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Sorry..."

Maria: "There's nothing to apologize for, Tsubasa."

Tsubasa Kazanari: (Kanade...)

Kanade Amo: "Raaaaagh!"

Kanade Amo: (What now? What's going on?!)

Kanade Amo: (That Gungnir girl's explosive power, the calmness of the girl with the odd Gear, and then there's... Ame no Habakiri.)

Kanade Amo: (For every Noise I defeat, those three defeat ten.)

Kanade Amo: (Just knowing someone has my back feels so...)

Kanade Amo: (No! I can't afford to get weak! Tsubasa died because I couldn't protect her!)

Kanade Amo: "You think you damn Noise... are getting away from me?!"

Hibiki Tachibana: "Amazing... I knew Kanade-san had it in her."

Maria: "She can move like that even with such a low link coefficient on her Gear. She wasn't Tsubasa's partner for nothing."

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Kanade..."

Tsubasa Kazanari: (Yes, that's Kanade... Stronger than anyone and always protecting me. The Kanade I always knew)[1]

Hibiki Tachibana: "What the...? Tsubasa-san! More enemies incoming!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Huh?!"

Kanade Amo: "Tch! I didn't think there would be so many of them!"

Kanade Amo: (On that day, what happened to Tsubasa was because I hesitated to use that song!)

Kanade Amo: "I'm not going to hesitate anymore! I will show you! This is my Superb Song!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "No! Don't do it!"

Kanade Amo: "Hey! Don't get in my way!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "I won't let you use that! You can't die here!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: (I will protect Kanade this time!)

Kanade Amo: "Shut up! What are you going to do about those Noise then?! I have to use my Superb Song!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "We'll take care of them. Tachibana, Maria... It's time for Drawn Blade!"

Kanade Amo: "...Drawn Blade?"

Hibiki Tachibana: "Roger that!"

Maria:  "Let's do it!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Ignite Module! Drawn Blade!"

Kanade Amo: "What?! Their Gears transformed?!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Right, let's eliminate them in one fell swoop!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Targets eliminated."

Tsubasa Kazanari: (She's safe. No need for her to use her Superb Song.)

Kanade Amo: "......"

Kanade Amo: (They have this much power...?)

Kanade Amo: (I had no other options besides my Superb Song. If they're this strong, what else do they have up their sleeve?)

Hibiki Tachibana: "And we're done. Let's all head back to base!"

Maria: "Right."

Kanade Amo: (They're stronger than I am. Regular Noise don't stand a chance against them.)

Kanade Amo: (Am I even... needed here?)

Kanade Amo: "Ryoko-san!"

Ryoko Sakurai: "Oh, my? What's up? You seem pretty restless."

Kanade Amo: "You've gotta give me more strength! I want that power! That Ignite thingy or whatever it was!"

Ryoko Sakurai: "That's not possible. If you simply want a higher output, that could be possible with some time."

Kanade Amo: "Why?! I have the same Gungnir, don't I?"

Ryoko Sakurai: "That Ignite function is activated using other relics as a core. Without other relics, I'm afraid it's a no-go."

Kanade Amo: "Dammit!"

Ryoko Sakurai: "Look at you, all worked up. Still, that Ignite Module was quite something..."

Ryoko Sakurai: "It allows the user to artificially go berserk. Even if your Gear could be modified, if you used it as you are now..."

Kanade Amo:  "......"

Kanade Amo: (The Lunar Attack, Frontier Incident, Magical Girl Incident...)

Kanade Amo: (A prehistoric priestess, more wielders, complete relics, and a fight with Alchemists.)

Kanade Amo: "Is that how they... how Tsubasa was able to grow stronger?"

Kanade Amo: "I've fought by myself all this time! The amount of time I spent fighting isn't any different from them!"

Kanade Amo: (Yeah... As long as I have my Gear...)

Hibiki Tachibana: "Um, Kanade-san."

Kanade Amo: "You..."

Hibiki Tachibana: "Um, do you have a minute?"

Kanade Amo: "What do you want?"

Hibiki Tachibana: "Thanks for helping me back there!"

Kanade Amo: "Huh? What are you talking about?"

Hibiki Tachibana: "On the day of the concert, Kanade-san, you saved me."

Kanade Amo: "That's only in your world. I didn't do anything for you."

Hibiki Tachibana: "Even so, you're still Kanade-san. I've always wanted to thank you at least once."

Kanade Amo: "You're a weirdo, you know that?"

Hibiki Tachibana: "Yeah, I get that a lot! What's more, I was only able to become a wielder because I received your Gungnir."

Kanade Amo: "Me?"

Hibiki Tachibana: "Yes! You saved me and I inherited your Gungnir!"

Kanade Amo: "Is that so...?"

Hibiki Tachibana: "Which is why I wanted to say thank you!"

Kanade Amo: "Yeah..."

Kanade Amo: "Tch... Even defeating the fake Noise doesn't make me feel any better."

Kanade Amo: (What can I do to become stronger? To be on their level... No, to surpass them?)

Kanade Amo: (My Gear... My Gungnir... But even with the same Gungnir, hers is...)

Kanade Amo: "Hm? Oh, they're taking showers... Geez, they just threw their clothes and Gear all over the place..."

Kanade Amo: (Her Gungnir...)

Kanade Amo: "Even though its features are a bit different, it should be the same Gungnir that linked with me."

Kanade Amo: "......"

Hibiki Tachibana: "Phew! That felt great!"

Hibiki Tachibana: "Huh? Where'd my Gungnir go?"

Hibiki Tachibana: "That's odd... I thought I left it here!"

Kanade Amo: "Is it the Noise?!"

Genjuro Kazanari: "You're here, Kanade. Yes, we've detected a mass of Noise."

Kanade Amo: "All right. I'll head out!"

Genjuro Kazanari: "Wait! Tsubasa, we need your help, too!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Understood."

Maria: "There sure is a lot of them."

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Hm? Where's Tachibana?"

Kanade Amo: (With this power...)

Kanade Amo: "Let's go, you damn Noise!"

Kanade Amo: "Croitzal ronzell Gungnir zizzl..."

Kanade Amo: "Guh! Wh-What's going on?"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Kanade?"

Kanade Amo: "Gaaaah! What's going on! I can't wield the Gear! It's tearing me apart..."

Maria: "What is this... What's going on here?"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Kanade?!"

Maria: "Tsubasa! More Noise incoming!"

Maria: "That should be the last of them."

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Kanade..."

Kanade Amo: (Does this mean I don't have the right to wield it?)

Kanade Amo: "Gah! And now they showed up!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "So they're Karma Noise...? It doesn't seem like this'll be easy."

Maria: "Time to take the initiative! Aaaah!"

Maria: "What?! It evaded my attack?!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Maria!"

Maria: "Guh!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "We can't deal with them as we are now! Use Ignite!"

Maria: "Yes. It looks like that's our only choice."

Kanade Amo: "You're saying I can't deal with them?! As if I'm going to roll over and accept that!"

Kanade Amo: "I also..."

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Kanade?"

Kanade Amo: "Gaaaaaah!"

Kanade Amo: "Haah... Haah... Why... Why Now?!"[2]

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Kanade, what's gotten into you?"

Sakuya Fujitaka: "Kanade-san's link coefficient appears fine. We also administered LiNKER prior to heading out."

Genjuro Kazanari: "Then why can't she wield her Gear?!"

Hibiki Tachibana: "Hey, could that be... my Gungnir?"

Genjuro Kazanari: "What?! What's the meaning of this?!"

Hibiki Tachibana: "Kanade-san..."

Kanade Amo: "Haah... Haah... Haah..."

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Kanade, don't push yourself. We'll take care of it..."

Kanade Amo: "Shut up! I can do this!"

Maria: "Don't be stupid! You're obviously in pain right now! What can you do?!"

Kanade Amo: "God... dammit!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "Kanade! Kanadeeee!"

Maria: "Calm down, Tsubasa. She's just unconscious. Besides..."

Maria: "We have to retreat for now!"

Tsubasa Kazanari: "What? It vanished?!"

Maria: "It got away... Or perhaps, it let us off the hook?"

Notes:

[1] Yes, there's no period or anything ending the sentence in the script

[2] The "now" was capitalized in the script

[moonlighthendall]

An essay about "Then She Was Gone by Lisa Jewell" (novel version)

Yuliana

NIM: 171010600199

05SIGE001

V.923

This essay was written to tell my lovely reader about this novel which enhanced my reading and analysis skill, it’s entitled “Then She Was Gone by Lisa Jewell”. I enjoyed reading it because many conflicts happened and quite interesting, I could simply say that between one character to another are connected to each other. Thus, I assumed that the author created this story within family matters because the conflicts only circled on the same character and they are related to each other. This story consists of two kinds of point of view, some of them use first-person point of view and the other used third-person point of view, therefore, I could imagine the sense of every point of view. The narration style is quite easy to understand and predictable, this is why the story have its own interest to read. At the same time, this novel was truly mesmerizing, I could feel the happiness, the sadness also and tense as if I was in the same situation as the character. The theme of this novel is mystery also mixed up with romance inside, so it is not only about the struggle of finding a person who lost but also about the beautiful side of love. Moreover, the author wants us to explore more about the plot, in the first chapter she brought us in the present time which explained about what happened after the incident. In some chapters, she succeed to make the reader imagining how tragic and pity when Ellie was kidnapped and how she survived through the dark time.

The story begins when Ellie Mack, disappeared in 2005 on her way to library, “When you are the parent of a child who walked out of the house one morning with a rucksack full of books to study at a library a fifteen-minute walk away then never came home again, then there is no such thing as overreacting.”(page 9), from this passage, I conclude that Ellie’s disappearance was fully questionable and Laurel regret it because she couldn’t find out what happened to Ellie, she felt the sadness of losing her but she was quite strong to accept the reality, she always got the reflection of Ellie all the time. Meanwhile, Noelle Donnelly who used to be Ellie’s math tutor was being suspected as the person who kidnapped Ellie. “No, there’s more to life than university, Miss Smarty Pants. There’s more than just certificates and qualifications. I have them coming out of my ears. And look at me, sitting here with you in your lovely warm house, drinking your lovely Earl Grey tea, getting paid a pittance to fill your brain with my knowledge. Then going home to nothing.”(page 26), this line shows Noelle was being weird, suspicious and felt lonely, she sounded like a desperate woman who needs love from everyone around her.

In the middle of the story, I figured out the prejudice which leads to the conflict, “Sorry, you look…” But she doesn’t say it. She doesn’t say, you look just like my lost girl… the dimple, the broad forehead, the heavy-lidded eyes, the way you tip your head to one side like that when you’re trying to work out what someone’s thinking. (page 68), this line explained about Laurel who had expectation about her lost girl, also an instinct of a mother could sense the existence of her own daughter in Poppy’s appearance. This passage leads to the explanation about the oddity that happened during the conflict, but Laurel as a mother tried to act normal without showing her true feelings towards Poppy.

In this this novel, not only about a mother who lost her lovely daughter but also the romance between Laurel and Floyd, Poppy’s father. At first paragraph as I already told, the conflicts circled throughout the same character. Thus far, the author explained about the side of being a mother, motherhood is something that we should prepared well. On the other side, parental is one of the most difficult part of being an adult, also seeing new person that comes into our lives might be dangerous if we do not explore more about their backgrounds. In this case, people must be aware of each other because sometimes they can be a person who has two different personalities that could change into a bad person.

The reason why Noelle Donnelly kidnapped Ellie Mack was because she wanted revenge on Floyd, the man who made her fall in love but he dumped her and the fact that she couldn’t keep her pregnancy with Floyd. “And Ellie Mack was possibly the most golden girl I had ever countered.” (page 163), from this monologue, I assumed that Noelle was obsessed with Ellie, she tried to make sure to do everything to get her and to get attention from Floyd, “The only hope I had was that when the baby came you’d fall in love with it, that you wouldn’t be able to live without it and that we’d be inextricably linked. Forever.” (page 200), this passage is the proof that Noelle Donnelly was really in love with Floyd, her obsession for him is abnormal and crazy, it also implies that Noelle had a mental illness which caused the kidnapped crime and made Ellie as a surrogate mother for her. Meanwhile, in the story, Ellie as the victim was trying to defense herself from something bad that might happen, “Ellie struggled against the cuffs around her ankles, pounded her feet against the end of the bed. She roared and thrashed.”(page 183), it is normal if we defense ourselves from the harm because human instinct can be strong enough if it comes to self-defense. During the kidnapping, Ellie got threatened by Noelle so that she had to keep herself safe to survive.

At the end of the story, I felt sorry for both character, Ellie and Donnelly. Ellie ended up dead because she did not get the treatment well. Unfortunately, Noelle’s feeling to Floyd became a nightmare, she sacrificed another people’s life in order to get the love back from the man whom she truly love. “I made her for you, with another woman’s womb and another man’s sperm.”(page 234), her mental illness has been revealed by this dialogue. Why did I say that? Because Noelle seemed calm down, I can feel the way she talked, she act normal and pretend that nothing happened. “A girl called Ellie had that baby for me. I was never pregnant, you dumb idiot.”(page 234), this passage clearly told us that Noelle did something unforgivable to Ellie and her family. Based on the last sentence, it implies that Noelle did not regret what she did to Ellie, that is an unfortunate thing. Noelle’s obsession towards Floyd made her to do something over her logic, she did not think twice about their feelings, she failed to understand the situation. Love is such a blessing to all human being, but if it comes to the wrong way, it could make us to do something regrettable.

P.S: a picture above is the cover of the novel.

[euroman1945-blog]

The Daily Tulip

The Daily Tulip – News From Around The World

Thursday 7th June 2018

Good Morning Gentle Reader….  Today’s look at the news is a little different as I have found a series of animal stories and after walking my Bella today thought it would be something you would like to read… The world is not a perfect place, it maybe for you, but what about the animals that suffer everyday..

WHALE THAT DIED OFF THAILAND HAD EATEN 80 PLASTIC BAGS…. A pilot whale has died off southern Thailand after swallowing 80 plastic bags, Thai marine officials say. The whale vomited five bags during a vain attempt by conservation officials to save it in a canal in Songkhla province. The bags, weighing about 8kg (17lbs), had made it impossible for the whale to eat food, a marine expert said. A recent report warned the amount of plastic in the ocean could triple in a decade unless litter was curbed. Thailand is a major user of plastic bags and its government last month announced it was considering a levy on them. They are believed to kill hundreds of marine animals there each year. The small male pilot whale had been discovered ailing and unable to swim in the Na Thap Canal last Monday. Environmental officials used boats to try to help float the whale and erected a sunshade for it. They nursed the whale through the week but it died on Friday afternoon. Marine biologist Thon Thamrongnawasawat told Agence France-Presse the bags would have made it impossible for the whale to eat nutritional food. "If you have 80 plastic bags in your stomach, you die," he said.

CRAFTY CRAYFISH REMOVES OWN CLAW TO ESCAPE CHINA HOTPOT…. A crayfish desperate to remove itself from the menu sacrificed one of its own claws to escape a boiling pot of spicy soup at a restaurant in China. In footage viewed more than a million times online, the crustacean is seen gripping one of its claws before successfully detaching it and fleeing. The dramatic film was captured by social media user Jiuke, who posted it on the popular Chinese platform Weibo. Jiuke later told users of the site that he had adopted the crayfish as a pet. Weibo users had left comments in support of the courageous crayfish, urging "let him go" and "don't eat him, seeing how hard he's trying to survive", the Taiwan News website reported. Juike then responded: "I let him live, I already took him home and am raising him in an aquarium." China has found itself in the grip - or should that be the claws - of a crayfish food craze in recent years that has seen a boom in crayfish restaurants and farms. The country is the world's largest source of the crustaceans, according to China's state news agency Xinhua, citing a report by the Ministry of Agriculture and Rural Affairs. Output in China rose to 852,300 tonnes in 2016 from 265,500 tonnes in 2007, Xinhua adds.

US TEACHER 'WHO FED SICK PUPPY TO SNAPPING TURTLE' CHARGED….  An American schoolteacher has been charged after allegedly feeding a sick puppy to a snapping turtle in front of his students. Robert Crosland, who teaches in Preston, Idaho, was charged with misdemeanour animal cruelty. After the incident in March the turtle was "humanely euthanized" as it is considered an invasive species. Mr Crosland could be jailed for up to six months and fined up to $5,000 (£3,700) if convicted. Several US media outlets said attempts to contact Mr Crosland had proven unsuccessful. The incident sparked rival petitions for and against Mr Crosland, who has taught at Preston Junior High School for a number of years. One calling for him to be fired and asking "Do we really want teachers killing living animals in front of impressionable junior high students?" has attracted nearly 190,000 signatures. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (Peta) said Mr Crosland was "a bully who should not be allowed near impressionable young people". A counter "We Support Crosland" petition urging people "to show our support for the man that taught us science in a new way and truly loves his job" so far has attracted more than 3,700 signatures, many from colleagues, ex-students and members of the local community. Some of his supporters say the puppy was dying and it was the right thing to do. The incident reportedly happened after school in front of a small number of students, with authorities saying it was not part of school activities. The turtle was seized by the Idaho State Department of Agriculture when it learned there was no permit for it.

GIANT OWL MISSING IN WILTSHIRE ENGLAND AFTER HOSEPIPE FRIGHT…. European eagle owl Bella, who has a 5ft (1.5m) wingspan, "just took off" from Mere Down Falconry, near Salisbury, on 14 May. Volunteers have been out looking for her every night and she has been spotted in the Gasper and Zeal areas. Volunteer Sharon Dixon said: "It's amazing how this huge lady is able to keep hidden and ahead of the game." Ms Dixon said the one-year-old "got spooked by a hosepipe on the floor" and flew away. Bella has been spotted at a nearby chicken farm three times - described as "her KFC" "We've got no concerns about her surviving because she's a massive bird and there isn't much out there that could hurt her," she said. "But we honestly thought she might fly down to someone to ask for food and we'd catch her that way but she hasn't done that."

DISTENDED CHESHIRE ENGLAND DACHSHUND DEFLATED BY VETS…. It's the wurst thing that can happen to a sausage dog - ending up looking more like a meatball. The four-year-old pet, named Trevor, went from wiener to whopper when a hole in its windpipe left air trapped under its skin in a rare condition. But vets soon had the distended dachshund back to its saveloy-like self after a minor operation to "deflate" it from three times its normal size. "He'd blown up like a balloon," said owner Fran Jennings. Worried Ms Jennings, from Lymm in Cheshire, rushed the animal to an emergency vet after it bloated and began to suffer breathing difficulties. Media captionThe distended dachshund had to be deflated by vets. X-rays showed every time the pet drew a breath, air was being forced under its skin and was affecting its heart. Ms Jennings said: "We put him straight in the car and took him to the emergency vets and they had never seen anything quite like it. "Whatever it was, it affected his breathing so we had to leave him there while they tried to find out what was wrong." Tests were carried out and the dog was diagnosed with sub-cutaneous emphysema, an abnormal collection of air under the skin. Vet Michelle Coward of Beech House Surgery in Warrington performed a procedure to relieve the pressure and stitch up a hole in the dog's windpipe. She said: "I have never seen a case like this before and it was a new surgery for me. "There were no external injuries that would explain how air had got under the skin, so we suspected that an internal injury to the airway could have been allowing the air in. "Every time he took a breath, some of the inhaled air escaped through a hole in his windpipe." Ms Jennings' daughter Jessica, who shows sausage dogs at Crufts, added: "He looked like a big fat seal. His whole body was like a blob. "It was horrible seeing him like that. We had to deflate the air out of him, it was weird. "But now he's back to his normal self, chasing the chickens and we wouldn't have him any other way."

Well Gentle Reader I hope you enjoyed our look at the news from around the world this, Thursday morning… …

Our Tulips today are in keeping with the stories, can you spot the dog?

A Sincere Thank You for your company and Thank You for your likes and comments I love them and always try to reply, so please keep them coming, it's always good fun, As is my custom, I will go and get myself another mug of "Colombian" Coffee and wish you a safe Thursday 7th June 2018 from my home on the southern coast of Spain, where the blue waters of the Alboran Sea washes the coast of Africa and Europe and the smell of the night blooming Jasmine and Honeysuckle fills the air…and a crazy old guy and his dog Bella go out for a walk at 4:00 am…on the streets of Estepona…

All good stuff....But remember it’s a dangerous world we live in

Be safe out there…

Robert McAngus #news #blog #animals #travel

[ethereal-aeitherea]

Today in class someone made a wonderful presentation on a story he had written.  I wasn’t sure it was autobiographical until the end, when he showed photos of the people he had included in his story.  His story related to his past of drug use and drug selling.  He took the same drugs he was selling and began lacing what he was selling with tylenol, and his brother got beat up by a customer for something he didn’t do.  He suffered for what he didn’t do.

Then randomly a snapchat story features a girl who ripped her own eyes out due to hallucination/thoughts she had while high on meth.  Going from an honors student to dropping out of school and alcohol/drug addiction to clawing out her own eyes....

And yesterday evening I was watching one of my go-to daily vloggers talk about his (brief) past of going clubbing with people who would go to 2-4 clubs in one night, go to a day party, then go out to dinner and start all over again at night, only going home to freshen up..... How he described that the only way they had that much energy was because they were doing drugs...

Then today on the bus ride home, I saw one of my friends biking who I know has taken drugs in the past but has since quelled it down substantially......  His skin looks so much clearer.

I’m like why is this suddenly happening?  I look at the space on my desk where my large coffee was, but I put it in the fridge.  Am I drinking too much coffee or something?  Did I indulge in too much sugar recently?

I’ve been stressed out with the amount of work I have to do and feel a strange sort of numbness, like I need to get some sleep but stay awake in zombie mode, but all-day from the time I wake up.  It doesn’t set in later.  Some factors that might be contributing to this feeling is that daylight savings time happened this past sunday as well as my abnormal sleep hours each night.  I slept 14 hours last night for example, but 5 the previous night.  But yesterday I got a huge boba, one of the sweetest ones (that actually doesnt have any caffeine), and drank basically the entire thing; I had sips of this peach fizzy drink I bought ((for the cute bottle packaging) but its literally corn syrup water), and idk... I’ve been throwing chewing gum into my backpack before going to class?  Not much added sugar there but still?  My mom once said I have sugar addiction.  Not sure if that’s what I’m getting at here.

These strange occurrences, I wonder if its trying to tell me something.  OR is it not a premonition from a higher power?  Like the girl thinking she heard a sign from god that she was chosen as the person who was to make a sacrifice, and that sacrifice she felt was removal of her eyes.....  I saw my friend biking past whose skin looks brighter due to quitting.  The story given by a classmate was a story from the past.  He says they’re good now.  Same with the daily vlogger, he heard himself say “you need some sleep, you can’t do this, you can’t do this, you need to go get some sleep,” a voice he heard in his head while completely sober, which is something I completely recognize.  I’ve heard that kind of clear voice before....... I remember hearing it once after drugs.  I’ve also heard it at other times in my life, when I really truly needed to leave or do something, or if something was bad for me....  Is this another one of those times?  The answer is not clear, I’m being analytical.

I thought I had so many things due tomorrow but turns out two of those things are due next week completely.  I actually have nothing “due” tomorrow in fact.....  I have things due in two days.  I previously described it as a sense of numbness but perhaps it is an induced sense of calmness because I know I will get everything done that needs to be done.  I know deep down that it will all come together in the end, and I don’t have to suffer on no sleep to do it.  I can get the sleep that my body needs while still getting my work turned in.  I can finish everything without stress, without self-hatred, and without anxiety or freaking out.

Last quarter when I asked myself what I should do, the answer that arose was “go shopping.”  I felt so strange shopping the racks and rows of Forever 21 when I had my final project in one of my classes due the following morning.  I actually slept through the final class and turned my work in online that late afternoon.  Even turning that in went against that inner voice.  I turned it in online “just in case” (rational brain / anxious mind) and emailed my professor asking if I could turn the project in late.  He responded after the weekend had passed saying, yes, I could.  So I worked on it a bit further and turned it in a second time.  I passed my class.  I could have passed if I didn’t rework it either of those times.  All I needed to do was pass.  Sure, I didn’t get an A+ in the class, but that’s not my goal.

My goal is to graduate and learn as much as I can about whatever I’m interested in.  Doing tedious work while losing out on sleep (sacrificing health) is not going to help me fulfill that goal. Perhaps that is the sense of calm that I feel.  Even typing this out trying to find out if there’s some ulterior thing to figure out is a result of my past tendencies to overanalyze things and overthink.  But I could have left this to the side and gone to sleep.  Who knows.  My friend plans on doing an all-nighter in the lab tonight.  I forgot that tomorrow is when our project is supposed to be due, but our 3-hour class has also been turned into a workday.  So I thought I needed to have a presentation written out, scripted, and recorded, as well as the final working project to go along with it, but I don’t even have to make any progress if I didn’t want to.  It’s a very strange feeling.  It’s the final week before final exams week, and one of my classes finishes this week.  Yet I’m not freaking out.... not so much.  Idk, it’s weird.  I see my fellow classmates and they ask how I’m doing.  I say “I don’t know.”  They nod their head in concurrence.