#went from gay cousin to twink cousin

[atopvisenyashill]

in a terys au, what do you think tywin would do if male courtiers start throwing themselves at aerys to win his favor and influence his reign, like how james i of england had his little parade of hot scheming twinks? especially since in canon, aerys ii had many short-lived mistresses before he went mad.

so first of all, tywin is already working overtime to make everyone think he's the top in this situation and that he's only gay for pay and not actually gay. he's stressed. he's annoyed. he's making sure people aren't laughing at him but it's not easy. i think if those parade of twinks were either a) lannister cousins scheming on tywin's behalf or b) genuinely not scheming too much, tywin would let it be. but if they are trying to usurp his own hold over aerys, i think that sets him off. there's like a sexual jealousy and a professional jealousy at play here - tywin getting one uppped by some fussy annoying bottom from oldtown is just too much for his pride to handle and that twink WILL be obliterated. i can see him like, ensuring a parade of hot twinks to keep aerys happy, and probably entertaining aerys' fixation on some sex workers but the moment someone of noble birth is trying to actively undercut him as aerys' favorite, they're gone.

[alleykatart]

Three words: Hot. Himbo. Werewolves. (Werewolves and werecats and witches, oh my!)

World building and character summaries below, along with a bit more art!

From left to right:

Kyle Johnson: Human. He/Him. Gay. Gym twink with a crush. Went home with Rhys and ended up pulled into the world of the supernatural while trying to juggle his college coursework. Architecture major. Happy go lucky, down for an adventure, often bites off more than he can chew.

Rhys Whitethorne II: Werewolf, Born. He/Him. Bisexual. Older cousin of Jason Whitethorne, but mostly content to let his little cousin lead. His father's Jason's father's little brother, meaning Jason "stole" his "birthright" to lead the Whitethorne Pack. Had a nasty habit of stealing or ruining things that were important to Jason when they were kids. Toys, books, friends, and at least one lover. Now he runs a gym on the first floor of an old warehouse Jason is renovating. Still annoyingly competitive with everyone, but especially his cousin... but also trying to get over his own bullshit. Trying.

Mercy Lawless: Witch, Fae Blood. She/Her. Heteroflexible. Orphaned granddaughter of the Witch Queen of New York, Mercy Lawless and Jason Whitethorne were pushed toward each other from a young age, in an attempt to secure peace between the Witches and the Werewolves. They had an on and off teen sweetheart situation, but neither truly felt a romantic spark, and merely continued the pretense of dating as an excuse to hang out as friends. Easily the smartest person in the Pack, fiercely loyal to her friends. Still working her way out from under her grandmother's thumb. College student going into Occult Studies.

Jason Whitethorne: Werewolf, Born. He/Him. Pansexual. Eldest son and heir of real estate tycoon Owain Whitethorne, current Alpha of the Grand Pack of New York. Jason is the wearer of the Fangs of the First Alpha, which enhance his wolf form while also making him a bigger target for other wolves seeking to prove themselves or claim the artifact for themselves. Business major. Sometimes too direct and harsh, Jason holds himself to an impossible standard he'd never dream of holding anyone else to, wanting to prove he's good enough. He and Mercy have become the closest of friends, their bond far closer now than when they tried dating, enough that he's let her channel the Fangs of the First in the past.

Soo Park: Werecat, Turned. He/Him, Tentatively They/Them. Gay. Orphaned in a horrific "wild animal attack" at 17, the only child of Ha-Yun Park and her husband, John. Taken in by his maternal aunt, Soon-Yi and her girlfriend, Carmilla. Knowing it damn well wasn't a wild animal, Jason and Mercy helped the nerdy, awkward Soo through his clumsy first steps into the supernatural world, and the grief and loneliness after his parents died. With their friendship, Soo blossomed, came out of his shell (much to everyone's horror and delight) and learned to control his new abilities... mostly. After almost a year of waiting for Soo to figure out his feelings, Jason finally made the first move... that Soo only wasn't willing to make because he assumed Jason was straight and just "really sweet" to let Soo hang all over him all the time. Art major. Snarky, overly fond of swear words, utterly clueless that his aunt's girlfriend is an ancient vampire. It's not like he's ever smelled one before, after all. Tends to exaggerate confidence he doesn't quite feel.

Kane & Zane Li: Werewolf, Born. He/Him. Pansexual. Human father, werewolf mother, the twins were raised in the Whitethorne pack and are virtually inseparable, considering Jason to be their unofficial brother. What they lack in height and wits, they more make up for with their big... hearts and their desire to help others. Besides, if they need a witty comeback, they can just ask Mercy, who's often seen with one twin on each arm. Kane is secretly a gamer nerd who spends his Thursday nights with Soo and Kyle playing tabletop games, because they don't fight enough monsters in their real lives. Zane keeps his twin's secret, and hangs out with the Whitethorne cousins and Mercy on Thursday nights. Kane harbors an unrequited crush on the hunter, Pixie. And honestly, who can blame him?

Bonus images~

(Soon-Yi and Carmilla, who definitely is not an ancient vampiress with a penchant for beautiful young women with beautiful smiles and soft curves.)

Pixie, a hunter with compassion. She takes down the supernatural beings who cross the line, and does it with style.

[cgarttrailsandtails]

TwilightDancer (Eclipse x Ballora) and others Incorrect quotes cause FUNNY

Ballora: Purple Puppet: Purple/White

Eclipse: Orange Monty: Green

Lefty: Pink Foxy: Red

Sun/Moon: Orange/Blue Vincent: Blue

———————————————————————

I WILL marry you!

NOOOOOOO-

———————————————————————

Vincent won’t trace it back to us.

Are you kidding? Vincent traces everything back to us. He traces things we haven’t even done back to us!

———————————————————————

Foxy, may I offer you something? Water? Tea? My hand in marriage?

Wait wha-

———————————————————————

Eclipse is at that very special age where he only has one thing on his mind.

Girls?

Homicide.

———————————————————————

*phone rings*

Hello?

I’m inside your house…

Okay?

*hangs up, then the phone rings again*

Yello!

Why did you hang up? Why did you hang up on me?

If you’re inside my house just come talk to me… *snickering in background*

I’m inside the closet, heh heh…

Oh you’re gay?

What? No I’m not gay-

Oh, no it’s alright my cousin’s gay.

No I’m not gay I’m literally in your closet!

Wait… who is this?

Hehehe, come find out…

Where are you?!

ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING? I JUST SAID I’M IN YOUR CLOSET!

Oh… *dying of laughter*

———————————————————————

So. I’m in love. With Eclipse.

...

I’m in love with Eclipse.

Our Eclipse?

Yes. Thoughts?

And prayers you’re gonna need it-

———————————————————————

I need boy advice, help!

Kill him.

———————————————————————

(Where? Thingy cause I think it’s funny)

“He hates everybody!”

WHERE?

“He’s so spot on with his words people hate him for it!”

WHERE?

“He says curse words every ten seconds!”

WHERE?

“He’s a single father!”

WHERE?

“He can’t make friends cause he sucks at being nice to people!”

WHERE?

“He has a f*cking sword!”

WHERE? (Not a bad trait really but uh okay)

———————————————————————

Foxy, I’m cold.

*takes off jacket and wraps around her* here, hon.

Eclipse, I’m cold.

Sucks.

———————————————————————

Foxy, am I ugly?

What? No, I’m looking at you right now and you’re the most beautiful girl in the world!

Hey Eclipse, am I ugly?

Very much.

———————————————————————

I made Ballora cry today.

Wait what? What happened?

Well, she came up to me and said:

“Hey I think you’re pretty cute!”

So then I said “that’s nice.” And she was like “well don’t you like me?”

And then I asked her, “hey, how would you like to be the sun in my life?”

And she went “oh, cause I’m so bright?”

So then I said “well, kinda. But you can start by being 93 million miles away from me.”

*Puppet dies of laughter*

———————————————————————

Hey, about that love letter you sent me…

*blushes* what’re your thoughts?

The fourth sentence-

Yeah I know, that’s when I got really emotional and-

It’s “you’re” not “your”.

:/

———————————————————————

Eclipse likes playing hard to get.

Lucky for him I’m a master at playing hard to get rid of.

———————————————————————

I want that twink obliterated. (You can decide who she’s talking about :D)

———————————————————————

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU BALLORA-

Are we about to kiss?

Wha- huh- what!?!

I’m not even mad anymore, now I’m just confused-

———————————————————————

(If Eclipse actually liked Ballora back)

*Getting ready to go out to a fancy restaurant*

Oh, going on a date I see? Who’s the lucky gal?

*pause* I forgot to ask you out, didn’t I?

*blushing* D: YES! I’ll be ready in ten minutes-

———————————————————————

(Last one!)

If I say I love you, will you say it back?

Yeah.

Okay, I love you!

It back.

Later:

Why is Ballora sobbing on the floor?

*shrugs*

———————————————————————

Thanks for reading everyone!

[that-one-hom0]

i have no internet and i want to rant abt my ocs!

so im starting with luke bc they are one my most important character bc hes esentially becoming a persona-

luke was my first oc in a story that i knew i wanted to take seriously. his story teenage dirtbag has been in the makes for about 3 years now (my oldest pic is from 2020 but lukes older that that)

luke started as a very angry teenager, i was really into dear evan hansen and i loved connor, now this is before i read the book or watched the musical(bootleg ofc) so i just thought connor was angry and mean and thats what luke was.

then i made their boy friend Milo. milo started off very stereotypicaly gay- i went through a faze where if it didnt have gay guys i didnt like it. and sadly it was only men-

now i mostly draw guys bc its what im most comfortable drawing, women are hard for me to draw so i stick to mostly guys.

anyway but after i made milo i didnt like how angry luke was, so i babied him. i made him soft like milo and then made milo super mad.

then i added camila, for a while she didnt have a name and just went by 'she' now Camila is actualy the oldest character in tdb. shes like 5 years old maybe older. camilas a character who still needs to be more developed, but they have always been lukes best friend.

well then it was the three of them. but i was bored with just three so i made a ghost character, his name is casper(real original i know) casper to put it simply was a twink- steriotypicaly flamboyant queer character now i think he has always been bi, but idk. but i did know is that he had a crush on luke-

an ongoing joke for these characters is that milo hates casper. now im not getting rid of it anytime soon bc its funny. 

luke and casper are best friends, luke and camila are best friends, and milo and luke are dating. well what do we do for milo? why doent he get a best friend?

that actualy doesnt get an answer until after my character Mey Lynn gets added. now mey was at the time my only poc character. and she was a psychopath-

now i changed her to be nicer and all that, but then i was listening to music and made one more character, dolly.

dolly has always been related to luke, but before she was 13 and lukes cousin. now shes 17 and lukes half sister. her age was the first to change and it wasnt until resently that she became lukes sister.

at this point i realized huh casper and dolly would be a cute couple. (this was after i made her 17 btw) 

this was back when i was the kind of person to call characters smol beans and baby boi- ew

and i clearly picked faves with dolly and luke- from then i honestly didnt pay much attention to them for building story much- except for weird music vids i will never make.

i just made more storys and left tdb in its sketch book-

now and the id add on to story but not really :/

it wasnt until my freshman year i started thinking abt the characters more so i got my brand new ipad and made ref sheets for the characters!

now you will see one addition, Lily. now lily is meys girlfriend! i love her so much and i should give more attention to my lesbians-

so these were consepts and the only one who got an official sheet was milo um and after that i stoped thinking of them again

until 4 months later, when i redid ref sheets again

now after this you will nwver gurss what i did next, i actually kept making art for them! little doodles and full blown peices! i was i. summer school at the time so i thought to just keep drawing them. and i have! still to this day i keep drawing them

luke and milo get the most attention now, but luke still remains my fave, im constantly giving them my personality traits, if i like something luke likes it now too. 

recently tho luke was skinny like he was always thin but i thought since they are becoming more and more like me why not make them chubby and i did that today, and im proud of that. i have bad body image issuse so making an oc that means so much to me and making him look like me makes ne so happy.

[nativemossy]

returning from hiatus to inform my followers that i shaved off all my hair, dyed what was left red, and somehow became the twink of the family all in about a month and a half

[bearificationtransformations]

Alex had always been skinny, his whole life. He despite his Greek heritage, he wasn’t particularly hairy either. When he came out as a gay man he learned that a lot guys in Kansas City called him a “Twink”. He was somewhat effeminate, and maybe even a little submissive, but he wasn’t in love with the idea of being a twink- it just seemed to be his natural state of being. 5’8” and 120 pounds.

Being from a smaller midwestern city, he didn’t yet have much exposure to gay culture, so he went along with being a twink because it seemed to get him some attention. He trimmed the little body hair he had and kept his beard short. He didn’t even have to do anything to change his physique, he was naturally thin and liked to run several times a week.

So when he saw a product online advertised while he was watching porn which promised to beef him up, something to make him more rugged, it immediate caught his attention.

“Embrace your inner bear” was one of the lines in the ad. It was a little strange... but he had to say it intrigued him. He always envied men like his cousins, who were bigger and played football in high school. He wanted to be bigger, stronger, to have that same kind of natural size. Instead he was always skinny.

Maybe it was the horniness talking, the fact he was already looking at porn, but the ad worked. So Alex bought the extra strength bear supplement “specifically formulated to bring out your inner bear” and forgot about it.

Three days later the package came. He couldn’t believe it, they had actually sent him a package of this stuff. He pulled it it out and it was just a vial. “Extra strength” it said.

He didn’t think too much of it and after his coffee, before his run he downed it.

As he began running he felt this energy coursing though his muscles. He figured it had to be the bear strength supplement working. Probably just a preworkout loaded with caffeine.

As he ran along, not thinking of anything much, he began to feel his shirt scrunching up more around his chest. As he kept running he noticed his shorts felt tighter, and there was a certain bounce to his body... it was his chest. His chest was starting to bounce as he ran, up and down. That wasn’t right. He wasn’t beefy enough to have anything moving around as he ran.

His ass was starting to bounce too, he could feel it. And his arms... his arms muscles were making th sleeves of his shirt felt tight. He was starting to get more winded. It felt like his feet were hitting the pavement harder. His shoes even felt tight.

Alex felt the cool air against his belly button. He tried his shirt down only to discover it wasn’t going down further, and as he looked down a very unfamiliar sight greeted him, a thick chest and the start of a belly. ‘Shit’ he thought, he could actually feel his belly bouncing now as he ran. He was getting so out of breath, his body was working harder just to keep him moving. He had to slow his pace down a bit.

Alex. decided to turn around to get back home so he could figure out what was happening. It was getting harder and harder to keep going. Every block was noticeaby more of a struggle than the last. His shorts were getting tight,his shirt was snug against his body, hugging him tighter than ever before. Looking down his forearms looked foreign to him. They were beefier and hairier. As he glanced down beyond the twin mounds of his chest he could see and feel his now hairy belly peeking out.

He was getting so exhausted. Normally he would have tons of energy at this point, normally he’d be able to go for 5 or 6 more miles, but ever second the running was getting harder and harder. His chest was bouncing around so much now, everything about his body felt foreign right now and his feet were killing him, hitting the pavement with so much force. His jog slowed down, he was totally out of breath, and then slowed further. He felt like his whole body was getting so heavy. He had to slow his pace yet again.

Fuck, he had blown up. He could look down now and see how big and bloated he had become. No wonder running was so hard, he was getting huge. His belly was really sticking out now, and his shirt was uncomfortably tight.

The last block back to his apartment, Alex stopped jogging, and walked, defeated. His body felt so different, so big and bulky. His arms were rubbing against his sides as he walked, his legs chaffing. He was huffing and puffing. He was enormous, he felt like a tank. He could see hair everywhere, it was tickling the base of his neck. He looked down his shirt to see a new rug of fur on his sweaty chest.

As he slowly made his way up the stairs to the apartment his shorts tore on his big new ass. His shirt was bunched up over his belly, showing off his new furry gut to the world. He bumped his shoulders into the door as he tried making his way into apartment. The door handle was lower than it should have been. As he walked in, it seemed like his perspective had shifted... higher. He couldn’t believe this was real. He was so out of breath that all he could do was rush back to his bathroom. His feet were killing him.

Alex stripped down and tried catching his breath. His feet were way too big for his shoes now. He *was* huge. His body had blown up into a full bearish size, and then some. He had to be somewhere north of 250 pounds, if not more. All his body hair had grown in and then spread, covering his huge new torso in a thick carpet of fur. He was a beast. The sink looked a little different. Lower than usual. Not much lower, but just enough that it was noticeable. His perspective was definitely different. He looked at his bigger hands, his bigger feet. Fuck he was taller too!

He stood there, looking into the mirror, unable to believe this was real. His mind was reeling. At this size, his running career was definitely over, but he could definitely pass for a defensive lineman now! For 20 minutes he just explored his new body. He was a bear alright, and no wonder he was so out of breath. He had bulked up to an immense 350 pounds and had grown to 6’2”. He was huge. Nothing would fit him now.

In the couple of hours since he drank the formula, he had more than doubled his body mass.

Alex didn’t know what to do, but despite the panic, he knew deep down he loved it. He was a fucking beast of a man now. A thick, powerfully built hulking bear. Hell, he’d dwarf his cousins, and pretty much everyone he’d ever known. Goddamn. No one would wanna pick on this gay boy now.

Alex couldn’t help but jerk off at his reflection. He was the manliest fucking bear he’d ever seen, and his dick even felt heavier and thicker in his huge new hands. He came and it was the biggest load he’d ever produced. Goddamn, he loved everything about this.

[luminous-shifting-vibes]

*sequel* to actual fucking quotes from the shiftblr coffeehouse discord server

once again, it's out of context because x1000 funnier

also x1000 longer than previous post

"ur satan is gnc af"

"Bestie I’m already having gender envy over a fucking demon please"

"O_O ODEPIJHFbavevisdpvfhzdcnjawedsidjksjdkoeirjfmkdsoeirujdksodifjndmksoidfjdksidfj ITS" NOT IN MY FRAFTS IS SPEDNT 1 hour PN THAT SHIT"

"AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"ohoho sexy"

"I am very proud of myself"

"himbo x edgy fuck"

"YOU COULD SQUISH HES CHEECKS"

"he has teefs"

"SQUASH"

"good for biting 📷"

"he's a himbo basically"

"B͂̒̄iͫ̍̈tͧ̓ͯè̄̇"

"bifth"

"i havent watched blue exorcist in years but mr okumura my beloved </3"

"MY LIFE QUESTIONS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED"

"is it important information to mention that the person i put up for my turn is the son of satan" "I know like 1 thing about everyone who isnt ranboo lmfao"

"crimes"

"tumblr sexyman"

"idk why but my first thought was cowboy onceler"

"I vibe with him but he is very long and twisty"

"steampunk e-girl"

"steampunk tumblr sexyman"

"Canonically bi crimelord I agree!!"

"OOO FRIEND SHAPED"

"ARTIST SIGHTED"

"they look like someone i would want to be friends with but is way cooler than me so i'd never actually talk to them"

"babby..... would die for him"

"honestly i probably kin him"

"i'm sure he's lovely but he looks way too much like my ex i'm sorry-"

"i'd be down for another rotation! i have another twink to show y'all"

"Also :00 blonde friend"

"Let us all infodhmo"

"Hsjagdvbs shhh im on phone"

"Nix woukd you like to joon?

"skitters away"

"I have two braincells and they both drink dumb bitch juice"

"oof wait whats the order again i have 0 memory"

"i want to bond with him over cosplay-"

"Awkwardly watches in band kid"

"One day I'm gonna a broadway star"

"which isnt to say they were bad. they were just fortnite dancing during rehersals"

"I threw it so hard my glasses flew off and slid under the stage right divider"

"anyway heres my boi"

"emo"

"haha emo"

"virgil sanders kinnie"

"he looks like he listens to my chemical panic at the fallout boy"

"Bro I bet he'd kick my ass with his deck"

"bird man my beloved"

"fuck i had so much to say and then i forgot it all"

"Birds!!"

"guiguhuh"

"crabrave"

"She sounds like someone I would end up stealing her personality"

"yess name collector gang"

"alias glass aiden haven absinthe fish brick rice"

"But I have Cypress, Remure, Genesis, Lemres, and Comet"

"And she's named after a mars candy bar bc alien"

"Hey, if plato went by plato, you can be king thief"

"im not dissing my gramma like that shfojd"

"My dad has seven legal names" "bitches be like *looks at fictional character* *steals their name* it's us we're bithces"

"coraline lowkey traumatized me but i adore it regardless"

"mmmmmm magic man :]"

"°0° green man"

"criminal (affectionate)"

"he would shoplift a candy bar from walmart and then brag to all of his friends about the sick stealing he did"

"despite the fact he's canonically been capable of overpowering a minor deity"

"i would commit so many crimes for him"

"Very babey"

"Yes please tell green man he is very pog"

"he also keeps a lot of dumb secrets"

"but I will sorely miss the chaos and energy of this here chat until I wake again" (by request XD)

"i just say words and if they're funny then they're funny"

"* or extremly chaotic either works"

"at this point we are just taking turns rambling"

"oH--"

"bc my brain has a schedule"

"Hopefully they have gyoza there or I will lose my mind"

"hehe yes spooky man"

"my ghost glucose guardian"

"the head of the undead group that lives there, and we end up dating. (yes I date a ghost, no I will not be taking constructive criticism /lh)"

"ghosts r just inherently sexy"

"i mean im becoming a squid thing so"

"Raven quirk raven quirk!!"

"ł â m p"

"łæmp"

"mothman: ooh lamp you look very nice today! do you come here often? mothman: wait shit no"

"I'd date a ghost"

"mine is still accurate, i am still sobbing (/j)"

"p e e p e e"

""@nick wilde is a tumblr sexyman" is the best thing i have ever seen"

"im sorry im cackling like a dying hyena"

"you're all 12 year olds"

"PEENIE"

"He once caused global warming on accident so he could get a tan"

"god, what a himbo. i love him"

"that reminds me of my friends kin assigned me jesus"

"Man outside of battle be like: princely crying but then in battle hes like: "CATACLYSM! DISASTER! DEVASTATION!" Chill out man"

"Every time I talk about satan it never fails to shock people it's my favorite thing to do"

"im kin assigning him roman sanders" ""Oh yeah he caused global warming because he wanted to get girls" "he what""

"oh damn i forgot satan was straight"

"twink appreciation club"

"give us the twinks"

"my first thought was bottom-"

"so many people to try and get his dad to love him"

"daddy issued"

"OH MY GOD ITS WILBUR"

"Big boy but"

"anyways janus is swagggg"

"........................."

"gib twink"

"give twink then i will share"

"holds him gentle like hamburger"

"This dumb bitch opened a book that said "do not open" and got possessed by a little bastard"

"he is. fragile creachur"

"klug is beauty klug is grace i would let him step on my face"

"If I'm playing swap and I have to hear one more "Pwanet Powew" Im gonna lose it"

"Who is to blame? Pandora or the box?"

"Bakugo isnt my type but I respect the drip"

"i say like my type isnt long-haired pretty boys and girls that look so gnc that people have a history of confusing them for men"

"hes a gremlin and i can appreciate a pretty gremlin"

"that is to say i am attracted to VFlower vocaloid. This is a confession."

"note i am a lesbian"

"You may like Schezo wegey"

"why does he have one single expression"

"soul soul eater passes the vibe check"

"magic wand"

"I Want To Hold His Hand"

"i would commit a war crime for him any war crime idc which one"

"my favorite one is when he sounded rlly gay because he said "Muscular bodies keep me satisfied""

"p e a n u t"

"Klug is a homophobic homosexual its just facts"

"grug from the croods is peak male performance"

"jaw drops to floor, eyes pop out of sockets accompanied by trumpets, heart beats out of chest, awooga awooga sound effect, pulls chain on train whistle that has appeared next to head as steam blows out, slams fists on table, rattling any plates, bowls or silverware, whistles loudly, fireworks shoot from top of head, pants loudly as tongue hangs out of mouth, wipes comically large bead of sweat from forehead, clears throat, straightens tie, combs hair Ahem, you look very lovely."

"tag yourself im the fireworks shooting from the top of the head"

"i like essays"

"central time gang"

"11:11 pog-" (wait... is that a suprise angel number?? yes it is lovelies just for you <3)

"Then again im also a dumbass bitch who wonders what the souls in soul eater taste like. SERIOUSLY THOUGH. THEY LOOK TASTY AS HELL!!!! LIKE GODDAMN BRO YOU'RE MAKING ME FUCKING HUNGRY. Like. that shit- it's Bone Apple motherfucking Teeth. hell yea my guy. Im hongy now.... shlorp I'm seriously considering this. Like. They seem kinda like a liquid? But a solid? Are they like jello? The fuck they taste like my guy???? I keep imagining they're like sour, like sour candy maybe? Or do they taste salty? Sweet? Maybe some combo of two? Do they even have a taste or is it about the texture? The sensation? God my mouth is watering what the hell. I am starving. I think I need to go get a cookie. I'm gonna go get a cookie. Brb. I'm better. I'm still craving souls though. Which is a weird-ass cringey thing to say but I'm being dead-ass rn. They just.... look tasty???? And I wanna eat one. Thus. I am shifting to Soul Eater for the express purpose of satisfying my fucking cravings. enjoy"

"points were made"

"jello? more like helloooo schloooAHFJDSDAIDWNALDHSJKDAIDANDM"

"WAIT I THINK I HAVE AN ANIME GIRL BITING VIDEO TOO"

"anime girl voice: mmm! mm... ahhhhmp!! mmm, mmm... aaahmp!"

"i think it sounds great i'm going to start eating like that"

"several people are typing"

"do these look edible to you"

"forbidden gummies"

"when I was on lsd I couldn't eat my fruit gummies because I thought they were alive because they had little faces on them"

"oh shit yeah don't do drugs"

"anyways general consensus is puyos are edible, ty for your input everyone"

"everypony is a word so powerful it can bring nations to its knees"

"pls the self control it's taking me not to say "hewwo everypony" in gen chat when someone new joins-"

"hewwo evewrypony uwu deaw cewestia i hopwe it doewsnt wain owo"

"ive cooked up a sowution wiwth the knowwege ive acwued. they say a kitcwen time saves niwne, but im just savwing two. Ive gathewwed the inwedients to make a time sowbet. Thewe's hawdly woom fow seconds when the seconds mewt away."

"I had a ten year old sister... you know what happened to her??? very sad, very tragic... she turned eleven....."

"NIIICE"

"Guts dont say the secks word :( /j"

"watch your fucking language in front of the president"

"im so sorry lumi"

"i think you're like ehhhh 8/10 funny"

"now me???? 10/10. Hilarious"

"sometimes i have to take a step back and remember that this is the same guts i follow on tumblr /lh"

""ok every here's some good shifting advice!!! uwu have a good day" "yeah i did lsd and ate fruit gummies""

"i have one setting and it's whatever this is"

"my bitch ass cat just pushed the door open with his fuzzy face and now my sleeping dad is being lulled into dreams by Cosmo Sheldrake's 'Pliocine'."

"me on discord: nick wilde"

"me on tumblr: shifting water! haha funne! me on here: my hermit crabs are cannibals also i want to eat souls."

"im sorry yOUR VIBESA RE JUST SO DIFFERNT"

"u give off older cousin ive never spoken to but always admire at the family gatherings vibes"

"what the fuck"

"BC I HAVE LIBERTU"

"If you adopt me then yes"

"am I qualified for dad jokes???"

"we're all a lot smarter on tumblr"

"I'm like "awww... sweet... sweet little shiftlings... posting such sweet shiftling content... so pure, so wholesome... does not even know abcs....""

"can't think before you speak if you never think B)"

"I'm not responsible enough to be a mom"

"cat pet"

"show us pictures of the cat or i will do Crime"

"maybe thats me being a coward tho"

"MOTH!!!! MOTH MY BELOVED"

if y'all want I can make this a series bc shiftblr keeps giving me more content

[bounce-a-coin-off-your-witcher]

lip synch your way into my heart pt. 4

(it just keeps getting cuter and there’s nothing I can (or want) to do in order to stop it, so...)

Part One // Part Two // Part Three

---

“So you’re really invested in this guy, huh?” Yennefer asks. She’s sprawled across Geralt’s black leather couch and her wildly curly hair almost blends into the material completely. 

“Yeah.”

“What’s so great about him?”

“What’s so great about Triss?” Geralt retorts. “I like him, okay?”

“Ger-bear,” Yen groans, rolling onto her stomach and resting her chin on her hands, “Just tell me what it is about this little baby twink that has you so riled up and I’ll leave you alone about it for the next five days at least.”

“What a gracious offer,” Geralt deadpans. “So I suppose I shall accept your terms. If I tell you the reasons why I like him so much then I get five days of radio silence on the topic of Jaskier. Who is not a twink, by the way.”

“Mhm. Continue.”

“I like him because he’s sweet,” Geralt explains. Yen makes a gagging noise but the influencer continues, unperturbed by his friend’s antics, “Jaskier is unusually kind for someone who’s seen so much rapid, negative change in the world. He’s honestly curious about getting to know people, even people he doesn’t need to know. He just...cares about them. He’s also super upbeat, even on his bad days. I could use someone with optimism in my life, you know?”

“You’ve only been on two dates. How do you know all this shit?”

“Two dates was enough.”

“Fair. I only went on three with Triss before asking to make it Facebook official,” the young witch shrugs. She glances around the minimalistic apartment and frowns, “Now, where the fuck is Cirilla? She’s late.”

---

Ciri and Yen are standing behind him and ready to go when he is, so why is Geralt so gods-damned nervous? It’s just a Tik Tok. He’s made, what, a couple hundred of these already? He’s made dozens upon dozens with Ciri and Yen; he’s even played the jealous ex in a few of Yen’s skits with Triss. 

But this? Asking Jaskier to be his boyfriend so publicly? After their second date? It feels...strange. 

“Hurry up, loverboy,” Yen groans. “I want to drink.”

“Yeah,” Ciri echoes. “I didn’t carry four liters of soda all the way up here for you to chicken out.”

“I told you I already had mixers,” Geralt grumbles. He presses play on his phone and starts the Tik Tok video recorder. Ciri and Yen jump into position behind him, popping their hips to the side and moving in time with Geralt as he mouths the words along to the song. 

“Baby, it's the way you make me

Kinda get me go crazy,

Never wanna stop!

It's gotta be you! (uh huh, uh huh, yeah)”

The dance is going well. Nobody’s lost their footing yet; he’s glad he didn’t choreograph this himself. Yen memorized it from an old Backstreet Boys music video and they’d simply copied the moves. Jaskier would probably be happy; there was a lot of hip thrusting and squatting involved.

“I can't control it anymore;

I've never felt like this before.

Mmm, you really make me lose my head,

My hungry heart must be fed (uh huh, uh huh).”

Geralt quickly and gracefully steps back to join Yen and Ciri in a line for the last series of steps.

“Baby, it's the way you make me

Kinda get me go crazy,

Never wanna stop!”

He points directly into the camera and winks, “It’s gotta be you!”

---

“Oh my god, Jaskier! Get in the kitchen now!” Priscilla shrieks. He flies to her aid, sure that she’s in some sort of mortal danger, but no...she’s looking at her phone with her mouth hanging open. Jaskier skids to a stop and clasps a hand over his chest melodramatically.  

“Jeez, Prissa,” he pants in a breath, “Don’t scare me like that! I thought you were in serious distress.”

“I am in serious distress! One of the most popular content creators of our generation has just asked my best friend and roommate to be his boyfriend over Tik Tok! And it has roughly six million likes already! Have you even answered him, Jask?”

“Wh-what?!” Jaskier gasps. He reaches for Priscilla’s phone and she hands it over readily.

She’s right. @whitehairdontcare has uploaded another video and it already has six million likes and over fifteen million views. Shit. 

This time the caption reads: “POV: you’re the cute cashier from Party City and I’m asking you to be my boyfriend.”

“So?” Priscilla asks, nudging him with her elbow. “What are you going to say?”

“Yes, duh!”

“What song are they lip syncing to, anyway? Turn it up, Jask.”

Jaskier turns up the volume a little and hears The Backstreet Boys come pouring out from his friend’s speakers. “Oh my gods, he remembered!”

“What?”

“I told him that I loved this album as a kid. It was a gift from my cousin and it was way too mature for me but I loved it.”

“Gay.”

“Yeah, well, if the boyband fits,” Jaskier shrugs. He can’t stop smiling. “I can’t believe it. I have to go call him.”

“Yes! Do that!” his friend urges. Jaskier sprints back to his room, beaming brightly from ear to ear.

---

“Hey,” Jaskier grins. “So uh…”

Geralt takes his hand gently and brings it up to his mouth, kissing the back of his knuckles again. The simple, sweet gesture never fails to make Jaskier turn a pretty shade of pink; Geralt does it whenever he gets the chance. 

“So what?” the influencer asks. 

“I guess we’re boyfriends, now.”

“Yeah,” Geralt nods, stepping closer and squeezing Jaskier’s hand. The younger man squeezes back. “I guess we are.”

“So…”

“So?”

“Does that mean we can...uh-”

“Yeah,” Geralt smiles indulgently. He leans down, bringing his free hand up to cup the side of Jaskier’s face gently. He runs the pad of his thumb across the brunette’s cheekbone as he presses their lips together. It’s gentle and nervous and so achingly sweet that Jaskier actually swoons a bit. 

He loses his balance, tipping forward against Geralt’s firm chest. The influencer wraps his arms low around Jaskier’s waist and nuzzles the side of the brunette’s soft neck. “Careful, babe.”

“I like that.”

“What, babe?”

“Yeah. I like you, too. A lot,” Jaskier flashes another shy smile up at him and Geralt’s heart melts. “Kiss me again?”

“For you? Anything,” Geralt murmurs against his lips. 

And he leans back down to continue kissing his new boyfriend.

[gascon-en-exil]

Dark Deity Pre-Release Character Opinions

This isn't actually a tier list, but someone helpfully created a template for this game and it's as good a way as any to do a little visual showcase for this cast. Characters are listed by their class sets, which are fixed but offer a nice variety in terms of promotion options. My opinions on each are as follows, from left to right in each row. Most characters have introductory profiles written up on the DD subreddit, if you'd like to check them out yourself.

Warriors

Alexa

You know those buff female blacksmiths in Echoes and Three Houses that some people wish were playable characters? That's pretty much Alexa. Can't say I'm too hyped about her myself, but warrior + tomboyish female character will do that for me...or not do it, I suppose.

Benji

Seems to have been written to become a meme, and I still can't decide whether that's clever or stupid. Kind of like Raphael only with a bigger emphasis on training than on eating, and with brotherly devotion replaced with brotherly angst that might theoretically go somewhere if the character isn't reduced to being a goofy joke all the time.

Fenton

Doesn't have a character profile, so as far as I know he's just a generic dwarf because DD swaps out its inspiration's loli dragons and other vaguely fetishistic shapeshifters for the two most cliché non-human races in Western fantasy. I wonder whether his VA will voice him with a Scottish accent, to go all in on the (ironic?) laziness. There are a handful of elves in the playable cast, but Fenton is the only dwarf so for better or worse he's representing.

Helena

She's the embodiment of the FE exotic swordswoman archetype, but curiously DD seems to have turned that broad ethnic brush inward. Helena's last name is apparently a Japanese verb, her art shows her with a spear (as in the association of the naginata with women), and she studied and trained in a monastery that seems to blend elements of Buddhism and Shintoism. Not sure how all that fits into the larger setting yet, but at this point she's still got more background development than Petra.

Irving

Our Hero, the one front and center on the cover art. He sounds a bit on the blander side as far as lords or lord equivalents go, with his most promising hook for me being his established friendship with Garrick (see the ranger section). At best I can hope for a bit of a romantic friendship dynamic, although they sound a bit rougher overall as they're military academy schoolmates I wonder why DD went with that instead of lordlings of different territories.

Rogues

Brooke

Looks like Camilla; has a backstory like Niles. Cleavage aside though the sexual element of both is toned down here, and there might be some sapphic bodyguard shenanigans to be had as her current employers are a pair of highborn sisters further down this list.

Cia

For some reason she reminds me of Tressa from Octopath Traveler, only bustier and a bartender rather than a merchant. She's still just a small town girl with big city dreams, and this being a tactical war game following those dreams will inevitably involve stabbing people.

Corvan

Hard to judge him at the moment, as his profile was only the second written and so isn't terribly detailed. He's a moon elf with scholarly interests, apparently. Still, as of right now he's the only rogue who doesn't slot loosely into either a ninja/assassin or pirate aesthetic, so that's kind of neat. Also, he's one of several characters to have FEH-esque beach fanart made of them already, so clearly someone's into elf twinks.

Ford

A former officer at the military academy Irving attends and a smuggler who dotes on his niece, Ford has major dad energy. Per developer reveals he's also bi, and as I mentioned before I'm totally fine with that. More bear sex, please - but what guy in this cast would hop in the sack with Ford? Only time will tell. His personal skill makes him extra dodgy, which combined with the mug of booze in his art makes me think of WoW brewmasters who dodge-tank through the power of being wasted.

Wren

Like Brooke, he's an assassin from a foreign nation - in his case the same one as Helena so presumably he's a not!Japanese ninja. I'm not really feeling him at the moment. What is it about Hao'Fen (the city/territory he and Helena come from) and massive families? That comes up in both their backstories.

Rangers

Caius

I feel like this is the third or fourth character to grow up in some slum or other; at least they've all been in different towns so far. The relative rarity of noble characters is certainly different from FE, but it reduces the political stakes which leaves me wondering a bit about the story. Anyway, Caius is a small town desert hunter who learned how to make arrows out of animal bones. How aerodynamic is bone, I wonder?

Garrick

Irving's BFF and seemingly the Hector to Irving's Eliwood, only with more flirting (his intro doesn't specify that Garrick is flirting with women, but I'm not going so far as to say that indicates anything). He's the academy headmaster's son, with a strained relationship with his father for some of that hotheaded lead tension. Notably, his VA is the one I'm most familiar with in this cast, as he's the voice of Revali from Breath of the Wild as well as love interests in two different erotic gay dating sims I've played. In other words, I know what this guy sounds like making awkwardly simulated sex noises...and I have no idea what to do with that information.

Maeve

She's a half-elf with a very storied background, so much so that it's all rather hard to follow her exploits when little of what's being described has been fully revealed yet. I'm expecting her to be a mid/lategame recruit, unless she's dropped in early on to reveal that (sun) elves exist or something.

Rose

Imagine if Bernadetta were a commoner, although we can only hope they'll be less screaming. Alternatively, Neimi without an obvious boyfriend. She won the beach contest so now she has official swimsuit art, which I guess makes her a top-tier waifu in the eyes of players who care about such things.

Sophia

A ranger in the "has animal companions" sense, although whether that will come into play mechanically aside from her personal skill - Butter the ferret can attack with her! - remains to be seen. Her preference for the company of animals is explained by a lack of social graces, so prepare for klutz-related humor. Of note to those interested in F/F is that her introduction specifically brings up her connection with Sloane (see the mage section) and how close the two of them are.

Clerics

Faust

Doesn't have a profile yet, so not much to go off other than his decidedly unhinged look. The cleric class set does feature some darker-flavored options, so presumably he's more naturally aligned with those. His VA was announced to be the YouTuber behind So This is Basically Fire Emblem and other similar videos, so I'm picturing a kooky and somewhat demented Henry type.

Lincoln

Also lacks a profile at time of writing...clerics get so little love. The Discord has identified him a bland blond paladin sort, but as we know from the likes of Perceval and especially Dimitri that doesn't necessarily mean he'll be boring (or not gay).

Maren

The soft-spoken healer type, and also a childhood friend of Garrick although her intro sibling-zones him but then this game is inspired by FE so who knows if that'll stick. She may have some interesting thoughts on the theology of the setting, as there seem to be several faiths and she's said to have a complicated relationship with her own. I will be utterly shocked if she's not either Irving or Garrick's eventual love interest.

Samara

One of two princesses of the country of Aramor, which appears to be loosely inspired by the Middle East. Heaven help us if the Khalidstans ever get wind of this game. Unfortunately aside from her bond with her older sister (in the mage section) and the knowledge that Brooke has been hired as their bodyguard there's not much to Samara at the moment. Hopefully the clerics all do some comparative theology in their bond conversations, and this isn't like Sacred Stones where none of the clergy characters from different countries ever compare notes. The succession crisis involving Samara and her sister vs. their less-loved cousin the king's son might be a major plot hook? It's still too early to tell.

Vesta

Much like Maeve her backstory has entirely too much going on to really follow at the moment. Basically she's a human who grew up in a sun elf city because Reasons (seriously, I don't know what they are) and was called to a clerical vocation and also something about taking a journey. Has an unfortunate case of silly boob armor, which unlike a certain other character probably won't be rectified this close to release.

Mages

Alden

Maren's precocious younger brother, also basically Ricken up to and including the comically oversized hat. As a unit he follows the tradition of Donnel, Mozu, and Cyril of having a personal skill that buffs his stat gains, so it's safe to say he's a growth unit. At least he'll probably join early.

Liberty

Comes with dead brother angst and a connection to the "aspects" system that will hopefully make more sense once I've played the game and know how it functions both mechanically and from a storytelling perspective. Otherwise she looks to be a busty older - as in, not a teenage - mage in the vein of Calill.

Monroe

Got the first ever character profile, so it's really short. He's the son of a duke and sounds like a bit of a snob, albeit one that can make explosions happen to back up his haughtiness. He's got some scarring around his eye that surely must come with a story. Someone also made featured fanart of him in Heroes summer banner style, so I guess he's got somebody horny already.

Sara

Samara's half-sister, with comparable fantasy Middle Eastern flavoring. Has an interest in discovering magical artifacts and being a just ruler in the event she winds up on the throne (so, almost definitely), and she and Samara travel around with the assassin Brooke as their bodyguard. There's maybe some lesbian possibilities there? Either way, Sara has enough development where I could see her as a major supporting character.

Sloane

Comes with a genuinely fascinating backstory involving manipulative double-crossing parents, an education in the cruelties and deceptions of social life (reflected in her personal skill), and disinheritance - and yet it's all likely to be overshadowed because she may go down as DD's equivalent to Fates's face-touching. Her initial art is even more revealing than Camilla's, and while the developers later gave her a more modest redesign after negative feedback I get the feeling that this controversy may live on. Her introduction mentions her hunting for both heirs and heiresses and she's now been linked to Sophia, so safe to say she's another confirmed bi character.

Adepts

While the other class sets are standard fantasy fare adepts require a bit more explanation. They have innate magical abilities and appear to be feared and distrusted most places in the setting. Functionally they remind me of adepts from the Golden Sun series, if anyone is familiar with those games. The classes in the adept group tend more toward physical/magical hybridization than those of other sets, so that will probably be their mechanical niche. Oh, and their default weapon type is lances, which is a plus in my book.

Aurima

Along with Caius and the royal sisters, he's another one from the desert nation of Aramor. An arena fighter who got touched by a god in what I assume was a non-sexual way and came out of it with a new appearance and adept powers. Also, he's confirmed to be over 40 - how often do you see that in games like this?

Bianca

Looks like a more carefree Mathilda from Echoes. She's a ranking officer in the Delian army which sounds like it'd sit uneasily with her adept powers. Her profile describes Lincoln as her close friend, which is still about the most we know about him at this point.

Elias

This guy's writing plays more into the fairly standard coding that comes with adept powers, as we know they manifested shortly before he was going to confess his feelings to a male paramour and afterwards he was forced to flee his homeland and wander the world. He also spent time among dwarves, so insert short bear jokes here? In the present he's attached to Cia in what seems to be a platonic way; maybe she's a fruit fly, or maybe she just likes having a friend who can light drunken assholes on fire? Elias is definitely into guys, but I would still be a little surprised if he turned out to be totally gay as that's such a rarity in these sorts of things.

Iris

Oof, another lengthy and rough backstory. Iris had better parents than Sloane, but she also had to deal with permanent facial scarring (hence the mask) after a bandit kidnapping and the stigma of manifesting as an adept pretty much eliminating the prospects of her making a good political marriage. Also, she and Elias both come from Neullais, which is prominently featured on the continental map on the DD subreddit but doesn't seem to come up all too often in backstories. I think it's a not!France? Hard to tell.

Thae'lanel

A World of Warcraft blood elf, flowing anime hair and apostrophe'd name and all. I like WoW so that's not terribly grating, but as he has no profile yet there's little else I can say. Thae'lanel is mentioned in Maeve's introduction as a member of a sun elf group called the Exiled, which I'm guessing is tied to his adept status in some way. He and Maeve form yet another adventurer/bodyguard duo.

[funkyfreshramblings]

A Story Twenty Years in the Making

CW: Swearing, sex, transphobia (Look, I'm not proud of who I was).

Shortly after I was born, a cousin of mine was as well. My mother took me to a store where she looked to buy a dress for her new niece to celebrate her birth. A woman stopped and looked at my mother, baby Devon in the stroller, dress in her hand, and curiously spoke up.

"Excuse me miss, but you know that you have a boy, right?" The woman shopping, presumably for her own daughter, had said to my mother.

"Of course I know I have a son. What about it?" My mother said in response.

"Well, that's a dress you're holding. Why would you be buying that for your son?" The woman puzzled.

My mother, quick as a whip and smarter than most people I know today, responded without a second thought.

"I'm letting him experiment with his sexuality."

---

At twelve (12) years old, I became aware of this really weird website. You see, everyone was talking about it, a schoolyard rumour we didn't dare to talk about in front of the teachers. The mythical status of this website was nothing to scoff at, students would huddle around and talk about their findings. It was like an ARG, a new puzzle added every day. The school was rife with these conversations, and everyone was hooked.

I'm of course talking about Pornhub.

Obligatory "don't go on Pornhub unless you're the legal viewing age in your country" aside (even though I'm aware those warnings stop nobody), I too became a curious mind. One day, when my parents had slipped out of the house and I was alone, I pulled it up on my computer upstairs. What I say fascinated me, women and men having sex.

Sex. Woah. Penises, vaginas, anuses. There was everything on this website. Everything. Including this one tab which I didn't dare click.

This one category had what appears to be two men on it. I assumed it was two men, after all neither of them had pronounced breasts like all the women had. And the title of the category? Gay. 'What the fuck does that mean?' twelve-year-old (12) me thought. I ignored it, thought it was weird, and continued on.

In the back of my mind, I was curious. A few weeks after watching straight porn and being mostly repulsed by how awful the women screamed in those videos, I tried it. I clicked on the category tab and was immediately hit with my first exposure to the gay community.

'Twink? Bear? Fisting? Now that's nasty.' I was curiously disgusted but clicked on anyways. "Twinks" looked cute, so I clicked there. Wait, cute? Did I really think these guys were cute? Like I thought my girlfriend was cute?

The video was, simply put, less aggressive than straight porn. Holy shit was straight porn aggressive. It terrified me how much those women screamed like the men were killing them by inserting their penises too far into their bodies. But gay porn looked softer. It was sweeter, with more love. After all, sex is about love, right? Forgive my younger self, you see. He clearly did not understand that nothing in porn is about love. But hey, when working with a half deck, you have to make the cards work.

So I watched gay porn over straight porn. That doesn't mean I'm gay! But wait, if gay porn is between two men, what is porn between a woman and a man. What's porn between two women? Never mind, I'm not that curious about two women together.

A quick Google search sent me down the most soul-searching adventure I'd ever partake in. At least, up until this point.

I soon learned what gay meant, what straight meant, what lesbian meant. You mean boys liking other boys was normal? Girls can like other girls? Wait, you can like boys and girls?

Oh, wait, you can also not be sexually attracted to anyone.

Asexual was a term I first read those years ago, and I soon thought that it described me. See, up until this point, women never interested me sexually. I was twelve (12). Sex really never crossed my mind, even when it was supposed to. But I was watching porn, I thought!

Doesn't matter. I didn't want to be part of those acts. That's what made me ace, I thought.

My lord was I wrong. (Not about ace people, but about my identity. This is where things get juicy. And chuddy.)

---

Okay, so cut to two years later. I'm fourteen (14), in grade ten (10) during Art class. One of my friends sat beside me, my ex across from me, and I hated Art class. Why'd I taken this god-awful course again? Regardless, as I sat there and thought, I thought about my bullying up until high school.

I filled out as a kid. I mean that literally, I grew tall and wide really quickly. No one fucked with me when I was in high school. No one wanted to, and I faded to the background.

But in elementary school, I was the new kid. Backing up to 2009, eight-year-old (8) Devon moved. I would celebrate my ninth (9th) birthday in a class where no one knew me or no one cared. Well, that's not true. One kid cared. Bless that kid. Regardless, 9-year-old (9) me had a target on his back. A big one, and it quickly meant I was being bullied.

My mother is terrifying. I use bold there because I don't think italics can describe just how terrifying mama-bear is when she's angry. After finding out that I was being bullied, she pulled into the school and chewed out the principal. And the parents. And the kids. Hell hath no fury like a mother who went through the shit mine did. So quickly the bullying died down.

Stopped? No, but quieted. My new friends surrounded me in a wonderful bubble of love, but that didn't mean they also didn't pick on me. The most common insult? Gay.

Gay? Like, porn gay? No no no, I said. I'm not gay.

Cut back to 14-year-old (14) me, thinking throughout Art class. I swear Ms. Taylor had it out for me. Oh, right, gay.

'Holy shit.' I thought.

'Wait. They're right, I'm gay. I like men. Holy shit I really like men. Men are hot, and I want to be with one so bad. But I live in this crap town of conservatives (my parents taught me right, conservatives are some of the shittiest people on the planet after all).'

Okay, so I'm gay. I figured that out at the very least! Now I have to tell people.

Oh. Fuck. I have to tell people.

Coming out. Hell, as I like to call it. First to my friends. My friends would understand, after all, I had a pansexual friend. What the fuck does pansexual mean? Never mind that Devon, focus on your own damn self for a second.

Oh. My. God. I have to tell people.

I pulled up my big boy pants and blurted out in the middle of class...

Nothing. What did you expect?

I waited 'till the next morning. That made sense.

---

"Hi, Sierrah!" I said to my colourful friend. Her hair was always a different colour every month and still is. I wish I had half the hair strength she must have.

"Hey, Devon!" She said, blue backpack on her back, meeting up with me to walk to school in the morning.

"I have something to tell you. I'm gay." She looked at me and squealed before wrapping me in a big hug.

"I'm so proud of you!" Okay, one down. A lot more to go.

My best friend in high school used to be someone who I absolutely despised. We bonded over our shared dislike of our shared ex. We became really close. Telling him was pretty easy. Okay, two down.

Remember that girl I sat beside during Art? Not my ex, the one I bonded with my best friend over disliking, I meant the girl sitting beside me. Well, let me tell you.

No one can give me a reception nearly half as good as what she did when I told her.

"Sara, I'm gay," I said. Less than five (5) seconds later, my face was buried in the tits of Sara. That was... fun. Not sexual in the slightest, it was fun. She was warm, and she loved me. I could tell that as a friend, Sara would become the most important person in my life. Thank you, Sara. Should you ever read this.

I hope someone reads this.

Anyone?

Moving on, I eventually told all my friends that day. None of them gave a shit! Cool!

My parents.

Oh no. My parents were next.

I'm skipping that part, it's no longer relevant.

Sorry. (Not sorry in the slightest.)

---

So I graduated the gay kid of 2018. Yay! Seventeen-year-old (17) me made it to grad!

But before I did, I need to preface this part of the story. I was, unfortunately, a fan of Soygon of Asskad. And Blairina Weiss.

Shame. Shame. Shame. Not a day goes by where I'm not sorry for my actions during this period of my life. I am so profusely sorry for the racism and transphobia I perpetuated during this period of my life. I was even homophobic. God damn it, Devon, what the fuck are you doing?

I am now a proud socialist. University helped. So did Vaush, and BadBunny (who's chat might be reading this. Henlo Nicole! Henlo chat!).

Scream at me about Vaush later.

Okay, where was I? Right, grad. University applications.

I made it into the University of Toronto Mississauga. Canada's best university. One of the best universities in the world. Holy shit, I should be more proud of myself for that. I am proud. I made it there, and as I write this, I'm on my last year.

Here's to me becoming a med student soon, I hope!

So school happened. I went to school as a shy gay kid with undiagnosed anxiety problems. That wouldn't last, and soon my anxiety was written in the prescriptions I was handed over the counter for Lexapro. This is where I met my first friend from university.

He will remain unnamed for legal reasons.

He introduced me to one of the most beautiful men I've met to this date.

S. (Name redacted for reasons you need not know. Not legal reasons. Personal ones. Please respect this decision.)

Woah, was this guy just... hot. He was an athlete, no way he'd like me. He probably also sleeps around, and I don't want that.

Boy was I wrong. I soon found out that S was very much into me. I was someone's crush. Wow!

That eventually turned into a... relationship. You get the gist. Affirmation.

I was very, very gay. S helped me understand that I was very very gay.

Okay, so eighteen-year-old (18) Devon was gay. That was very clear.

So that's the end of the story, right?

No.

We just crossed the halfway point.

---

Cut to twenty (20). I am gay, an active chatter in BadBunny's (Twitch streamer, not singer) discord, and really really confused.

See, progressive streamers like BadBunny typically have features to add yourself to a role on Discord that would tell everyone your pronouns when they clicked on your profile. This is a really good way to affirm pronouns of everyone, so I'm down.

Well, I do have one problem. Any/all isn't listed here. Wait.

Wait...

Any? All?

Why do I feel like this?

I'm cis. Let me make that clear. I am cisgendered. I identify as a man, I was born a man, and I think I will always be a man. I think.

But I know pronouns don't necessarily tell you someone's gender. They is a really popular pronoun for all sorts of non-binary identities, all of which are different from each other. So pronouns do not equal gender.

Can I really use they/them, she/her, he/him, fae/faer, fawn/fawn, etc/etc. all while being cis? I think so, let's try it! I don't know how to describe my gender, all I know is I'm apathetic to my pronouns.

Cut to a TikTok video. I learned my fucking gender identity from a TikTok video. This is why representation is important.

"Gender Apathy" we're the words coming from this person's mouth. She? He? Them? Didn't matter, they didn't care. I didn't care.

We didn't care.

Holy fuck.

---

Google has been a really important resource for me as an academic student. Wikipedia articles affirm my suspicions before I move onto Google Scholar to look up articles.

I'm fucking kidding.

Fuck Google Scholar.

But Google did introduce me to the world of fandom wikis.

Is gender wiki a thing? LGBTQ+ wiki?

As it turns out, it is.

Gender Apathy is an article there, as well as many many other identities. If you're question, do some keyword searches. You'll never know what you find.

Anyways, Gender Apathy. Cisapathetic, which I kind of interpret as someone who identifies as cisgender but doesn't really care? I guess? This is all still confusing, but whatever. Cisapathetic.

I quickly shared this with all my friends. I found something new out!

But we aren't done yet.

---

Cut to a little while later. It's Pride month, 2021. This month, if you happen to read this as soon as it goes up! Someone on TikTok is making Pride moths.

Fucking TikTok.

Moths were, at one point, a really popular meme online. Lämp. Gen Z humour will be the end of us all.

So naturally, people found a love for moths. Great, that's lead us to this point. I notice during these videos that these moths are pretty. I want one, or rather, two.

I want the modern Pride moth. The trans flag and a black and brown stripe were included on this modern Pride flag to signal that BIPOC are central to Pride, and need to be celebrated and that our trans friends need our help. Need our platform. Need our rights too.

And I wanted the Gender Apathetic moth. After all, it was something new I discovered! Well, I noticed something in the comments while I was requesting a Gender Apathetic moth from this creator (they were open to suggestions, so please don't heckle me about it). One commenter said the words "are you doing a Neptunic/Uranic/Saturnic moth as well?" What the hell are those?

To the LGBTA wiki!

Neptunic is described as a sexuality "attracted to women, feminine non-binary people and neutral non-binary people."

Saturnic is described as a sexuality "attracted to androgynous aligned non-binary people."

Uranic is the one I'm really curious about then. I'm attracted to men, after all. Uranic is described as a sexuality "attracted to men, masculine non-binary people and neutral non-binary people."

Woah.

So let me back up a little bit.

When I had access to Twitter (they suspended me for defending my sexuality from someone who was saying gay men all have AIDS, so thanks Twitter) I once made a thread talking about how I didn't feel comfortable with calling myself gay.

"But Devon," I hear you say, "the whole first half of this story was dedicated to you realizing you were gay! How can you say that after wasting so much of our fucken' time?"

Give me a minute, dear reader. Let me explain what I said in this thread.

As I type this out, I recognize the transphobia I had against trans-men even while typing out that thread. I want to say, right here, right now, that my sexuality is trans-inclusive. Men with vaginas are still men. I am still very much attracted to men with vaginas. But this thread still falls on transphobic remarks. Once again, I profusely apologize for my past. I am currently working towards being a better person to my trans friends, both online and offline. I am doing my best to be better. I love you all, and I thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this.

Oh, and U of T, if you're reading this, before you even think about kicking me out for admitting my previous bigotry, I urge you to think about your staff first. Jordan Peterson still has a job and makes the campus trans-exclusive as he continues to teach. Catch yourself before you come for me, a student doing his best to be better.

Okay, so back to the Twitter thread.

I essentially said something along the lines of this:

I really struggle with calling myself gay when in reality, I'm only attracted to people with penises, and who lack vaginas and breasts. I would have sex with non-binary people who have penises. So am I really just "gay?"

But in a lot more words. Before I continue, I want to take the time to explain how this comment is transphobic, and why I am sorry and why I want to explain that I no longer feel this way. Okay? So, here's the short of it:

I go by the term gay, but by saying I'm explicitly only attracted to people with penises while liking men, I was indirectly making the point that trans-men are not men if they too do not have penises.

This is not true. Trans men are men, and I have come to realize my attraction for trans men as well, despite genitalia. My sexuality encompasses men of all kinds, and non-binary people who are masculine aligned or neutrally aligned. Once again, I can only apologize and do better.

I am sorry for my previous transphobia. I hope I can make it better by acknowledging it and doing my best to avoid these implications ever again.

Okay, now that we have all of that out of the way, let's talk Uranic again.

Uranic really does describe me. I feel it in every bone of my body, that I really do find myself sexually attracted to even non-binary people.

So, gay is out, uranic is in.

Where does that leave me today?

---

When I started this post, I explained how I was a cisgendered gay man who was a liberal who almost fell down the alt-right pipeline. But as I type this post, not only has my identity evolved, but so has my political ideology. I am a cisapathetic, uranic man who still uses the term gay in casual conversation because it's easier even though it doesn't really describe me, socialist.

BadBunny/Nicole, chat, if you're reading this, thank you. You helped me a ton in discovering socialism and to reject ideas of capitalism that only serve to continue the systematic racism against black people, the systematic transphobia that kills trans people, and even the systematic homophobia I face as a "gay" man.

Wow, that was long. Really long. If you made it this far, give yourself a pat on the back. You just read the life history of a twenty-year-old (20) and how he came to understand his identity.

I love you all.

Signed,

Devon.

FunkyFreshHomo on Discord.

[lesbianfreyja]

Can you please fill me a bit in whats happening with shameless? I stopped watching it last season, just couldnt handle the soap opera of it all

i only watched the ianmickey scenes so i dont know too much abt the others but here’s what i’ve gleaned from the bits of scenes i catch bookending the gay stuff:

debbie: began offering bjs for money as a distraction (?????) when people began to question the clothing scheme she was running. possibly trying to send her kid to foster care, difficult to tell when lip’s gf takes care of the baby most of the time. more of her in a minute though. frank ruined debbie’s scheme and now somehow she’s sleeping with a high schooler AND her mom, the mom gives debbie money to be a trophy wife basically. not sure how that happened. debbie’s bi now and just began sleeping with mickey’s lesbian cousin

lip: BORINGGGG. lip is boring now. he works at a mechanic’s and lives in an RV behind the house (?) with his hot baby mama. they raise their kid and do boring house stuff and are working toward like being normal

carl: ??? failed out of west point or something, i think he’s undercover doing weird shit to get into a gang or something. lost interest in him after the huge racist arc in s7 tbh. had to watch him have car sex, 0/10

fiona: moved out, left debbie 50 grand. not sure where all that went. i’m pretty sure she moved out in the same coat she almost ran away w/ jimmy in at the end of s1, which would be cool except maybe she just only owns one jacket

frank: who knows. i keep scrolling past his naked body when trying to fast forward though >:(

liam: kinda unsure except he talks now and is hanging out, independently, with what appears to be a high school basketball team. i think he just realized his dream (?)

ianmickey: HEEERES the juice gays. okay so ian and mickey were cellmates in prison except they were fighting bc they were in close quarters way too much and every little thing annoyed them so ian got manipulated by a guy who didn’t want to be parolled into stabbing the guy so that ian would go to solitary and the guy would stay in jail except then mickey took separating for a bit to mean a breakup so he tried to break up with ian first by stabbing the guy so they both stabbed him except they had a nice CO who just escorted them back to their cage POST-STABBING and mickey was still mad because ian was fucking him with mayo every morning except then ian got paroled and mick asked him to stay in jail since apparently he WENT to jail just to BE with ian (which apparently viewers already knew like that wasn’t a revelation) and then ian said he’d do it if mickey wanted him to so he went to stab someone else to throw his parole but mickey stopped him last minute with his gang and told ian it was wrong to ask him to stay and also ian had a gay friend group in prison (who were murderers) and mickey went to his dad’s nazi friends for boy advice (who gave it to him) and then ian got out and then thru circumstances i don’t understand mickey snuck out? was paroled? and ended up on a bus where his PO found him but just sorta escorted him home so mickey goes home to ian who now has a PO that is blackmailing him into running an insurance scam and the PO “always wanted a milkovich” so she bribes mickey’s PO to transfer mickey to her but she sucks and so she gets thrown out of a window shortly thereafter and ian thinks that mickey did it and mickey thinks that ian did it so he goes to his dad and his lesbian cousin and it turns out mickey’s helping them restore & move guns or whatever and mickey’s dad knows he’s gay because mickey goes to him for advice on what to do about ian and terry is almost just regular-homophobic for a second about the whole concept of mickey caring for ian because they’re together but once someone brings up marriage he calls mickey some slurs and threatens to kill him and gets real specific with what genitals mickey’s partners need to have and at the same time as this is all going on, ian is separately getting advice to marry mickey so they get engaged to abuse spousal privilege (because they both think the other one killed their PO) except when theyre at the courthouse they see that the PO’s blackmailed lesbian lover did the crime so they get in a fight about the “real” reason they got engaged and even though he’s upset mickey signs the marriage cert anyway but ian doesn’t because he’s too self-loathing to think he deserves love so they break up and mickey starts fucking a “glittery twink” (his dyke cousin’s words, or maybe ian’s?) that he obviously hates and also he’s pretending that he’s vers now so they make a bunch of homophobic jokes about the boyfriend (that mickey’s moved in with, and he drives a moped) and as revenge ian gets a grindr date to where mickey’s going that night and he meets them there with his extremely flamboyant date so they make a bunch of homophobic jokes about him and then the glittery twink says something mean about mickey so ian beats the shit out of him and then mickey knocks ian’s date out cold for saying he’d sit on ian’s dick later and ian proposes to mickey even though earlier at the courthouse mickey pushed him down the stairs and broke his leg but regardless mickey says yes so they get engaged and terry comes back the next morning with a gun and calls mickey slurs outside the house and they pull a gun on each other and more homophobic things are said and mickey begins getting really really into wedding planning “as revenge” to make it the most nauseating thing his dad’s ever seen but he very obviously actually deeply cares and wants all of this because mickey has been turned into a caricature of himself whose only traits are violence and honed, homophobic stereotypes of domesticity

and that’s what you missed on shameless.

[squirrelly831]

Pretend Boyfriend [Seokjin, Yoongi, and Hoseok]

A bit long, but then again… when aren’t they? Enjoy~

Seokjin

Lyla and Seokjin had been friends for the last three years and there was one thing Seokjin never understood. Lyla never looked remotely interested in dating. He tried to take her to group dates, but she’d only ever talk to him or the other girls. He tried to introduce her to Namjoon and Hoseok, both befriended her, as did the others, but neither of them were interested in Lyla.

Lyla was gorgeous! Seokjin didn’t feel anything special with her over a friendship. She was like his little sister that he wanted to be happy and he thought that setting her up with another guy would be the key.

One day, Lyla and Seokjin were out at a mall food court when Seokjin noticed a man eyeing Lyla. He smiled slyly as he looked at Lyla. “Look, what do you think about him?”

Lyla took a large bite of her hamburger as she looked in the direction to where he nudged his head. She grimaced, “Nahh twinks” she said with a mouth full of food. Lyla swallowed the food and wiped her mouth, “I don’t know why you keep thinking I want to da–”

An arm touched Lyla’s shoulder and she froze. “Hey, you wanna go walk the mall with me? Maybe your cousin will let you out of his sight for a bit.”

Lyla’s face twisted and Seokjin could see the sickly look she had. He cleared his throat as he reached over and moved the man’s arm. “I’d prefer it if you didn’t touch my girlfriend.” Lyla gave him a startled look.

The man held up his arms, “My bad man, thought you were cousins. You have a good date.”

He left and Lyla and Seokjin laughed. “Cousins?” Lyla wiped her eyes as she laughed harder. “I’m not even Asian, man.”

Jin let out one of his infamous windshield laugh, “But really, why didn’t you like that guy? He seemed pretty nice.”

Lyla tried to calm her laughs as she looked at Jin, but she bursted, “Dude, I’m gay… Everyone but you seem to have figured that out.”

Jin sat there in a silent shock, “So… I’ve been setting you up with the wrong people… I will find you a great girlfriend then!” He shook his head not believing he had missed all the signs. No wonder his group members weren’t interested in her.

Yoongi

Being friends for five years, Yoongi knew a thing or two about Aaliyah. He knew her favorite foods, her coffee order, and where she’d keep all her bobby-pins when she needed them. They were best friends, but they were also two fools who couldn’t realize the other liked them.

There was one thing Yoongi was always prepared for… pretending to be Aaliyah’s boyfriend. If he noticed an slight change in her body language or her face, he was by her side with and arm around her waist. Aaliyah did the same of course for him, but was always more flirty to him or touchy.

At a club, Yoongi knew there was a strong possibility he would need to step in and save Aaliyah from any prying eyes. The moment he picked her up from her place, he knew he couldn’t take his eyes off her. Her dress hugged her curves and was short enough that it left little to the imagination. Even Yoongi found himself staring and biting his lip at how amazing she looked.

“Dance with me” Aaliyah tugged Yoongi’s arm as she got off the bar stool.

Yoongi scoffed, “No way. You go.” She gave him a sour look as she let his arm go and took to the dance floor alone. Yoongi watched her as she made quick friends with a few girls on the dance floor. They began to dance together and Yoongi relaxed in his seat as he watched his friend. He took the moment to go to the restroom.

While he was away, a man made his way to the girls. His eyes wondered up and down Aaliyah’s body. He wet his lips as he moved closer to her. “Why don’t you come use those hips for some good use with me?”

Aaliyah’s face twisted in disgust, “No thanks.” She closed her fingers together as she flipped her wrist. She looked at the place she left Yoongi only to see he wasn’t there and she silently began to panic.

As she walked off, the man grasped her wrist only to have his hand yanked off. She was pulled back into a hard chest, but the cologne was enough to tell her it was Yoongi. “I believe she told you no” Yoongi growled. His hand tightened around her waist.

The man held up his hands, “Man, she didn’t tell me she had a boyfriend. She came onto me, yo.”

Aaliyah held onto Yoongi and he scoffed, “Oh yea, I could see how she threw herself on you while I was at the bar waiting for our drinks.” The man’s color drained. “Get the fuck out of here. If I catch you near my girl again, I’ll make you pay.” The man ran off.

Aaliyah didn’t know what came over her when she leaned up and pecked his lips. But after she did, she pulled back in shock, “Oh fuck… I’m sorry.”

Yoongi stared at her lips before he pulled her off the dance floor, back towards the hall that led to the restrooms, and pressed her to the wall. She went to protest, but Yoongi held up a hand to stop her. “That kiss didn’t last nearly long enough for me” he leaned down and kissed her. Maybe it was the alcohol in their systems. The liquid courage that got them to finally take that next step from fake boyfriend and girlfriend to the real thing.

Hoseok

Amii was one of those people who never saw the good of dating, but that didn’t mean she didn’t have her handful of one night stands. Most of her friends judged her for sleeping around, but Hoseok and a handful of others never did. It was rare for her to run into her night stands, but when she did, luckily she was always around one of her friends and would pull them into a fake relationship. Hoseok was no exception to this charade.

The two were out at the mall waiting for their movie time to approach. Hoseok and Amii hadn’t hung out in ages due to Hoseok’s comeback with BTS and Amii’s own work with vlogs and dance practices with Amber and Eric. They were both excited to spend the entire day together as it was a rarity for them to have off together.

Hoseok took her tray of trash and placed the trash on his before he slid the tray underneath his. “I’m going to trash these and then head to the restroom.”

She nodded as she slipped out her phone to check it. As he left, she sent a few text messages back to her friends. There was a whistle and a psst from the table behind her. She rolled her eyes as she opened a game on her phone. Another whistle sounded, far closer to her, and a larger muscular figure sit across her. “I’m not interested. If you couldn’t tell when I first ignored you.” She focused on her game.

The guy leaned forward and covered her screen with his colossal hand. She pressed her tongue to her cheek as she glared at him under her lashes. “I was just trying to get your attention, cutie.”

She tugged her phone back and pocketed, “Oh yes, I forgot, women are birds. We love being whistled at.”

The man chuckled deeply as he looked at her, “Damn, feisty. I like that.”

Amii was prepared to snap back until she was tugged out of her seat and held behind Hoseok’s back. “Really? You think you are good enough to flirt with my girl?” Hoseok wasn’t intimidate by the man’s size even as he stood and puffed out his chest.

The man scoffed as he walked past, “She ain’t even that cute. You can have her.” He mumbled as he shoved Hoseok with his shoulder.

Hoseok laughed as he watched the guy leave, “She ain’t even that cute… Yea, that’s why he was hitting on you.”

Amii threw her arms around him, “You’re my knight in shiny armor, Hobi, but you know I could have handled the guy.”

“Nope. I’m you ray of light.” He bopped her nose, “And what would you have done if he got aggressive with you?” he shook his finger with a tsk. “Now, let’s get to the movies. The movie will start soon.” The two looped arms and headed off to the theatre.

Part II | Part III

Credit to gif owners

Written & revamped by Squirrelly831

♕ REQUEST

☮ BTS MASTERLIST

∞ ULTIMATE MASTERLIST

[manifestoonmoralmanlove]

Gormless Ch. 9 -  Maccon’s into violence, hypocrisy, raceplay, but worst of all progressive politics.

A well-meaning friend gave me a book series that is hilariously bad. The first book was Souless and my riffs were entitled brainless. This second book is entitled Changless and these riff are then gormless.

I mean to say I have entitled them gormless! Not that my riffs are dumb, and the effort I spend on them stupid since I’m the only one who enjoys them. HAHA!

The story is SUPPOSED TO be about how a badass lady wearing a rad-looking carriage dress hits baddies with her umbrella and bangs her hot werewolf husband.  In reality it’s mostly poor attempts at being witty, flirty, and superior.

For the last book check out the brainless tag.

If you want the TL;DR version but want to read these new riffs anyway?

This story is set in supernatural Victorian steampunk England.  Alexia is our NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS protag.  She is a soulless, which means she’s able to negate the abilities of vampires and werewolves by touching them. She’s recently married a big oaf, named Lord Connel Maccon.  He’s the manchild in charge of the supernatural police with a zillion dollars and he’s totes super hot too ok.  Their relationship is mostly arguments about how Maccon can’t tell her fucking anything.  Alexia has also recently become head of ~Soulless affairs~ in Queen Victoria’s government.  She has a dumb friend named Ivy, a gay vampire friend named Akeldama, a family who’s evil because they do the same shit as her but while being blonde, and most importantly Alexia is better than everyone cause…cause.

Last time on Gormless:

There’s some mysterious force that’s turning the Vampires and werewolves into humans. Alexia is in charge of figuring out that deal, and she is doing a bad job at it.  They are at her husband’s old pack castle about it.  Are they hiding something?????

Chapter 9 – Maccon’s into violence, hypocrisy, raceplay, but worst of all progressive politics.

So off to dinner we go!  They talk about what a FRIGHTFUL sight it was that Alexia didn’t style and unfrizz her hair before going down to dinner with such dramatic terms that make me wanna gag. But I went from that to barfing myself inside out when I read the following line about Alexia’s frizzy hair:

“Lord Maccon adored it.  He thought she looked like some exotic gypsy and wondered if she might be amendable to donning gold earrings and dancing topless about their room in a loose red skirt…”

GOD DAMN AUTHOR!  We went from some poor choices but plausible deniability to straight up…

Like a lot of my racism complaints are subjective and nit-picky I will give you that.  But the author done goofed good and fucking proper with that line jesus fucking Christ.

GY*SIES IS A SLUR, AND ROMANI WOMEN ARE NOT ~EXOTIC~ SEXUAL OBJECTS! GOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCK YOURSELF!

I could fume about that fucking egregious shit the rest of the day but let’s try to distract myself with the parts of this story that aren’t openly racist.

At dinner, LeFoux is talking to some nerd about nerd shit.  Ivy is trying to talk about fish to some dude even though both of them don’t know anything about fish.  There’s a bit of drama when Lady Kingair (aka Sidheag) allows Maccon to sit in the Alpha seat, which TO BE FAIR is kinda bullshit, but the drama dissipates with a harmless distraction.  There is a brief interaction between Alexia and Maccon on the subject of the Tunstell/Ivy drama.  Maccon says they’re a bad match and Alexia agrees DESPITE THE FACT SHE LEGIT TRIED TO HOOK UP THE TWO AT THE END OF THE LAST BOOK BUT THAT’S FINE! Maccon ends the conversation about this slipshod ship-fest by sighing out a perplexed…

“Women”

Maccon you’re literally agreeing with a woman right now!  Boy howdy am I getting increasingly sick of how Maccon uses that word. If a male partner of mine used that word (woman) the way Maccon uses it (as this bullshit signifier that #yesallwomen are so hard to understand and difficult to deal with) I would uppercut him in the fucking taint.

CAN YOU BE ANGRY ABOUT THE ACTUAL CONTENT OF THE STORY FAPS INSTEAD OF THESE THROW-AWAY LINES THAT YOU’RE OVERANALYZING!

BLATANT RACISM AND SEXISM AREN’T THROW-AWAY LINES, BUT YOU BET YOUR ASS I CAN BE MAD AT MORE STUFF! I AM ALWAYS HUNKERING TO ANGRY IT UP!

There’s a point where they call Alexia curse-breaker multiple times (cause she’s a soulless that can negate the powers of the supernatural.)  Ivy and Felicity have no idea what that means and don’t know Alexia is a soulless but nobody bothers to inform them.  I don’t know if this is going to be a conflict at some point or not.

Alexia then has to ~make a fuss~ by asking them about the humanization problem. They act like she is breaking some taboo, but honestly I don’t understand why.  They’re having a problem; it’s her and Maccon’s job to solve the problem, so they should ask about it so they can solve it right? Also these Scottish folks seem much more down to earth and don’t subscribe to the stuffy social mores of British society. So it’s dumb that they act as if Alexia is rudely asking why cousin Larry has two weeping pussies where his ears should be, while jabbing at them with a pencil, and making sexist jokes about it.

But she doesn’t ask questions that are going to be useful until a few pages into this conversation which means just in time for the author to avoid it with a distraction.  I have a feeling the author is going to do the same thing in this book that she did last book.  Started with a mystery, dances around it for the vast majority of the book without adding much to it, and just ¾ the way in the book SUDDENLY SHIT HITS THE FAN ALL AT ONCE AND IT’S REAL DUMB!

So it’s now after dinner and the men and women are separated to chit-chat. Alexia starts quizzing Lady Kingair. Lady Kingair says she wishes she could be a full blooded werewolf.  The only werewolf within a zillion miles who is powerful enough to turn someone into a werewolf is Lord Maccon, cause of course it is.    But Maccon doesn’t want to try to turn her because she’s his last heir and women very rarely survive the transformation.  

Which like, there’s no reason so far why the werewolf club has to be vast majority male.  No ALL MEN orgies, and no SINCE YOU’RE THE ONLY GIRL WE’VE SEEN IN 80 YEARS ALL OUR ERECTIONS POINT TO YOU FEMALE PROTAG!  Perhaps there is some plot point later on.  But honestly? I suspect it comes down to the bias that simply werewolfism is considered a male phenomenon. You can read all sorts of analyses of this but basically it comes down to that men are supposed to have a violent, animalistic nature that they try to suppress.  But women aren’t supposed to be angry, powerful, uncontrollable, or like worst of all HAIRY!  So I don’t want them even as no-name background characters yuck!

Also, oddly enough, last book they said that werewolves sought out actors, and arty types cause they seemed more likely to survive the transformation. Creativity is tied to ~extra soul~ or whatever.  So I want to know why all these werewolves are dim-witted, gruff, military philistines instead of sweet, sensitive, arty twinks, smooching each other?  Is it cause her type is gruff meathead and like an idiot she outright contradicted her own story for no particular reason?

SEEMS SO! GOD I WANT A CASTLE FULL OF HAIRY BESTIAL WOMEN AND/OR CUTE SENSITIVE TWINKS! IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

Nothing else really comes out of the conversation with Lady Sidhaeg Kingair and thankfully we’re saved from that conversation by the sounds of the men folk fighting.

Maccon is fighting with the current beta.  Maccon wins, cause of course he does.  They both grumble bitterly at each other for BETRAYAL and nothing is revealed. Like I am glad there was action, but this was so limp and tepid.  It could have easily been dramatic and they should have revealed something, especially considering they dump the whole story at the end of this chapter.

So Alexia takes him upstairs for fade to black SEX, cause of course she does. Like I won’t kink-shame much, but getting all hot that your husband beat up another dude who is clearly weaker than him for no real reason is bogus yo. A thousand kink-shames upon you.

Afterwards Maccon FINALLY fucking explains something.  He says the reason why he left the Kingair pack is because everybody in the pack was planning to kill the queen of England and didn’t tell him about it.  They’re Scottish and Supernaturals and APPARENTLY the crown hates both of those things.  She appoints Scottish and Supernatural people to the highest places on her court and we have not seen any oppression but just trust us okay.  They kept it from Maccon, because Maccon is a ~progressive~ and thought killing the queen would be a bad idea.  He believes this because the Queen is giving Supernaturals more rights and that if they kill her that it would make Supernaturals look real bad and innocent Supernaturals would be targeted.

That’s a reasonable fear, and honestly since we’re supposed to be on Maccon’s side she doesn’t really try to explain the other side.  Like was it supposed to be a military Coup so that werewolves would be in charge of Britain, since the military is made up of werewolves? Cause that’s honestly pretty fucking interesting.  I know the author says there are a lot more humans than werewolves…but I don’t know why they would fear much of a backlash if they all have superpowers, lots of the money, and are the ENTIRE military.  The fucking Spartans quelled every slave uprising even though slaves vastly outnumbered their military cause their military was trained as hell. Those masc 4 macs thug bros weren’t even able to turn their faces into dog faces.

Also Maccon’s feelings were really hurt when they were going to kill the queen with poison.

“Poison is for bitches amirite?” Maccon laughs misogynistically.  Alexia chuckled in kind and sprinkled something in Maccon’s 5th glass of Scotch.  As he dies in agony Alexia licks her fingertips in triumph. Oops they still had poison on them and she dies.  LeFoux travels to reality and she has the good sex with me. The End!

Okay that exchange didn’t happen, I just wish it did.

So anyway due to the ~betrayal~ Maccon left his pack and it really fucked his pack a big one because nobody was powerful enough to turn other people into werewolves so their pack couldn’t grow and outsiders were disinterested in serving them.  (BTW humans who serve werewolf packs in exchange for being turned into werewolves are called Clavigers in this book.) But this was their punishment for betraying him.  Not punishment for the high treason of attempting to murder a queen and thus throwing the entire country into violent chaos which could have resulted in millions of deaths. The focus for the punishment is highlighted as Maccon’s feelings were hurt.

I have a million questions about this situation but I can forgive the author for not going into more detail. This is a fluff story and doesn’t need to be bogged down with politics.  I can’t help but be  frustrated because the author doesn’t give anything of substance, so when something mildly interesting happens I want to latch onto it but it’s just plywood stuck to a cliff with bubblegum, it ain’t gonna hold my weight.

Thus I plummet back into the pit of frivolousness, hoping futilely there maybe something enjoyable I can grab in order to save my sanity from this stack of bullshit.

PS – I’m way into the fact that the thing they did reveal is not relevant to the actual conflict at the center of this book.

LOVE THAT!

PPS – The fight should have had the Beta forcefully removed from the fight. That he thrashes against another werewolf about how ineffectual Maccon is.  That he has all sorts of strength, power, and money but he’s just a complacent lapdog.  Since he has been dubbed ‘one of the good ones’ he’ll let the less fortunate ones of his race rot while he nibbles pheasant in his castle.  Maccon fires back how hypocritical it is to say you want what’s best for werewolves/Scottish folks while picking fights and putting the less fortunate on the line.  That he’s proving to the kingdom that werewolves are valuable by being a good example and working within the power structure to help his own kind. Afterwards Maccon goes back to his room physically and emotionally exhausted, and cuddles with his wife while he explains the backstory. He cries over his guilt of hurting his pack, and wonders if what he is doing is the right thing.

Problem with that is it doesn’t make the conflict easy to understand and cut and dry.  It also makes Maccon emotionally vulnerable…which like I’M INTO but seems as if it’s not the author or this set of reader’s fetish.

Say something nice Faps:

After pulling teeth for a book and a half we learn something about Maccon.  And it’s actually potentially interesting.

Ivy’s back and forth about her lack of knowledge about fish was genuinely cute and funny.

[provocativescribe]

John’s Movie List

This is a re-post of an original post from XXXFamilyFun (aka John Valjean) with flagged images removed.

One of the most common messages I receive is about good incest movies. I wrote a post that was fairly popular, which I will link to at the bottom of this post. But first, let’s revisit my criteria for a good incest scene in a movie:

Criteria #1: The guys should be good looking and they should look the part. There’s a scene in Falcon’s “The Dark Side” (2002) where Derek Cameron and Race Jensen play son and father, respectively, but Derek Cameron (who is definitely hot), looks too old to play the part of the son. Just by a few years.

Criteria #2: The actors need to play the part. Even if they only do it a few times, I need to hear a “fuck me Dad” or “take that dick, son” or else it just plays like any scene from any other movie.

Criteria #3: Set the scene up a little bit. I want to know why the father and son, brother and brother, or cousin and cousin are about to do some dirty business with each other. If the scene starts and we, as viewers, just learn that the guys having sex are family members, then it also just feels like a scene from any other movie.

Criteria #4: As you will see, it should probably be directed by Chi Chi LaRue.

Okay, so you know what I like, and that’s what you’ll find in most of the following movies (which are listed in no particular order):

“Brother to Brother” (All Worlds, 1996) Okay, Chi Chi LaRue’s “Brother to Brother” has a brother/brother scene that I have never made my way through. The guys just do not look like brothers and I don’t find it very hot. So why is it even on the list? Well, there is a scene where the brothers’ uncle (played by Drew Andrews) spies on the lads while they sleep in their tightie-whities. He’s so turned on by it that he pulls his nice long dick out and jacks off to the boys sleeping. Andrews plays the part perfectly, looking around nervously to make sure he doesn’t get caught and then wondering what to do with the cum he decided to spill in his hand. Eat it, of course! He gobbles it down with relish and it’s impossible not to cum to this incredibly hot scene! Just because it’s incest-lite doesn’t make it any less effective! (Director: Chi Chi LaRue)

“Father Figure” (All Worlds, 1999) I remember reading a review of this movie and the feeling bad about myself afterward. The writer said that the dialogue in the scene where the father (Sam Crockett) fucks the daylights out of his son (Stoney) left him squeamish. This was my favorite part. I thought, “Am I some sort of degenerate?” I eventually decided I wasn’t. In fact, I love when the characters embrace their parts and, holy fuck, does Crockett embrace his role as the father who pops his son’s young cherry! “Back into it, Boy!” he commands as he fucks his son senseless. If ever there was a go-to incest scene, this is the one for me. I hate that the production values are so cheap, but Crockett makes this a must-see scene for anyone who enjoys incest-themed porn. (Directors: Peter and Casey O’Brian)

“Fox’s Lair” (Studio 2000, 1995) Some of the sex in the final scene, where three muscle-bound brothers fuck each other, can be a bit drab, but the build-up to it is hot as hell. Steve Fox, Ty Fox, and Ryan Fox (they used to give the actors the same last names to continue the brotherly illusion) play three brothers exploring their sexuality are varying levels before the three of them flip-flop in the final scene. It’s definitely worth a watch because too many incest movies rely on pairings as opposed to multiple family members jumping in the sack! (Director: John Trennel)

“Family Secrets” (Jocks, 1996) I was torn on adding this movie to the list because it’s even more incest-lite than “Brother to Brother.” This one also features Crockett who goes to visit his cousin Jake Taylor (one of my all-time favorite pornstars). During the visit, the two men don’t come out to each other. That is until Taylor brings home some slutty pals and a hot forgy ensues. Crockett sucks off Taylor and the two make out, and that’s about it. I hope you can find the scene online and compare it to Crockett’s scene in Father Figure. The guy really gets into the part and adds a layer of filthiness that so many actors don’t bother to do when they’re in niche movies like this. (Director: Chi Chi LaRue)

“Here Cums the Bridegroom” (Private Man, 2007) If you follow my blog, then you have probably guessed that I am into straight guys who fall into gay sex (and fucking love it). If that’s also your bag, I think this movie will hold a special place in your heart. On the wedding day of the very hot groom (Glenn Santoro), he can’t help but fuck and get fucked by the members of his wedding party, his father-in-law, and his brothers-in-law. This video is hot as fuck. And it ends with an orgy of most of the participants from all of the previous scenes. It’s on the list because power-top brother (Lucio Maverick) fucks his power-bottom brother (Mario McCabe) enthusiastically while Santoro fucks another guy to their side! (Director: Tom Bradford)

“Ivy Blues” (Catalina Video, 1985) This one goes way back to the 80s, but the trip is worth it. Ricky Turner is home from college and ready to have some fun with whoever is closest. In this case, it’s his limo driver. When his brother (Michael Mann) comes home and sees what his brother is up to, he’s not at all disturbed. In fact, he decides to join the two and fucks his brother in the hot final scene! Mann, who went by a number of names back in the day, was one of the hotter performers at the time, so it was wonderful to see him topping his slutty little brother. (Director: William Higgins)

“Phoenix Rising” (Falcon Studios, 1999) I’d say this movie is a little more than incest-lite, but not much. Still, it’s worth a watch to see yummy Daddy Jason Branch fuck his rambunctious nephew (Tristan Paris) with the help of three domineering African-American studs. There’s some filthy dirty-talk between the uncle and nephew during their brief fuck scene, but it’s goddamn hot. It ends with Uncle Jason blasting a thick ball-busting hot load all over his dirty nephew’s young face! (Director: Chi Chi LaRue)

  “Roll in the Hay” (Jocks, 1994) Mark West and his sons entertain a group of city slickers. In the third scene, West and his son (Christian Fox) come upon ripped David Logan jacking off on their property. Not phased in the least, a threesome ensues which finds son going down on father and father going down on son. West was probably cast as the father because he had two modest crows feet, but that’s fine with me because he’s incredibly sexy. I get sent over the edge hearing him command, “Suck your daddy’s dick!” I’d have loved to see these two fuck because Fox was an enthusiastic bottom, but alas it was not meant to be. (Director: Chi Chi LaRue)

“Brothers and Other Fantasies” (All Worlds, 1999) Easily one of my all time favorite incest scenes. I’m not totally into twinks, but young Matt Bandero legitimately looks like Vince Bandero’s kid brother. Matt spies on Vince jacking off and a hot incestuous scene plays out where Matt comes in and sucks his big brother off as Vince stays wholly in character. “Have you been watching me fuck my girlfriend, Matt?” as the younger brother swallows Vince’s long cock. Look. This. Clip. Up. If you’re into incest, they do not get much better than this. Vince fucks his little brother wildly, even after he admits that Vince is too big for him to take. (Director Chi Chi LaRue).

“Spring Break” (Falcon Studios, 1988) Uncle Chad Douglas is sure his nephew, Cory Monroe, is down to fuck and wastes no time telling the boy what he wants in this Falcon 80s classic. Douglas knows exactly what he wants and he’s going to take it, blood relation or not! This scene is so hot because Douglas and Monroe are of a pair of hot performers who know how to put on a hell of a fiery performance. (Director: Matt Sterling)

“Bad Boys Get Spanked” (Channel 1 Releasing, 2007) This video has what is one of my favorite incest scenes from the last few years. I’m not sure how this didn’t make it on my initial list. A father (Brock Armstrong) has been summoned to his son’s (Tristan Sterling) school for a disciplinary meeting with a member of the faculty (Drake Jaden). Jaden suggests spanking as a method to punish the boy, who has been acting out on campus. Armstrong is immediately turned on and a hot, hot, hot threeway ensues in which all of the cast stay in character. Listening to Armstrong eat out his boy while his teacher watches will drive you wild, as will everything that comes after! (Director, Chi Chi LaRue)

“Bone Island” (Kristen Bjorn Video, 2004) Kristen Bjorn incorporated a fair amount of incest in his videos, with varying results. Sometimes the brothers/cousins don’t seem to act like they were related or the scene might just be the dud of the video. While the brothers (Diego Pastores and Guillermo Pastores) in this scene don’t fuck, they kiss and suck with passion. Diego and Guillermo are trespassing on the porch of Miguel Peron, who is about to call the police on the boys. When they beg him not to, he suggests the brothers suck him off. This scene is key to the video because the brothers have trepidation about what is about to unfold. Of course, they go for it and the scene is very hot. If you know Bjorn’s work (and I really hope you do!), you’re familiar with how well he choreographs his scenes and the plentiful and big cum shots he incorporates. Good luck making it through this scene without blowing a load of your own! (Director: Kristen Bjorn)

“Billy’s Tale” (Falcon Studios, 1993) This one is a Cinderella story in which you’re totally chill with how the step-siblings treat their put-upon brother. Billy (Chet Roberts) is forced to wait on his muscle-bound step-brothers (Trent Reed, Erik Houston, and Glenn McAllister), who apparently lie around and eat all day (though they have mysteriously fine bodies). When the brothers so chose, Roberts becomes their sexual plaything, but the scene moves past pseudo-incest as Houston goes down on McAllister’s fat dick and eventually eases his ass down on the beast. In the third scene, Jake Andrews shares the brothers, who are not shy about touching one another in front of strangers! (Director: Steven Scarborough)

“Grunts: Brothers in Arms” (Raging Stallion Studios, 2008) In this military fantasy about a “Gay Bomb” that turns straight men into oversexed gay animals is hot as hell, but I would have loved for the brothers in the film (Steve Cruz and Orlando Toro) to act a lot more like brothers! Make no mistake, their scene is hot! They fuck and suck passionately and Cruz is a very vocal bottom. However, it would have been so much hotter if Cruz had thrown in a couple of “fuck me, bro” or something to take the scene up a notch! The filmmakers get extra points for making sure Toro and Cruz look like twin brothers! (Directors: Chris Ward and Ben Leon)

“Joe Gage Sex Files 11: Doctors and Dads #2” (Dragon Media, 2012) Okay, how can you take a list like this without including Joe Gage, who, like LaRue, clearly has a knack for incest. Jake Steel is the father and Tyler Sweet is the son, in this scene that builds in a way that only Gage has mastered. Tyler is at the doctor after he hurts his nuts. His father, the campus coach, comes in to check in on his boy, who is wearing a hospital gown. Steel starts fondling his son slowly and the two share a number of intense glances and a few brief exchanges before Sweet is kneeling in front of his father doing what he does best. Steel and Sweet are another pair of strong performers who gloriously maintain the father/son illusion throughout the scene. (Director: Joe Gage)

“Raw” (All Worlds Video, 2004) The yummy Kent Larson is anxious Groom and Kyle Lewis is his sexy brother. You may also remember incredibly chiseled Lewis as the older brother in 2005’s “Little Brother’s Big Secret”. The scene in that film is hotter, but watching Lewis attempt to calm his brother’s nerves by fucking him shortly before he’s supposed to walk down the aisle is something to behold. Add to that, the bride’s hot brother (Jonathan West) joins in on the action halfway through the scene. (Director: Doug Jeffries)

“Fratrimony” (All Worlds Video, 1990) Jerry Douglas incorporated incest into many of his films, but none more so as this video featuring Tim Lowe and Butch Taylor as brothers who have the house to themselves for the weekend and begin to explore their sexuality in unexpected ways. The video is somewhat unique because it only features Lowe and Taylor. There are a few problems though. Taylor seems way too old to play a guy who’s fresh out of college and Lowe makes a shit-ton of weird faces when he cums and when he’s getting fucked. Still, the scenario is still hot and I usually don’t make it past the intial scene, which finds Lowe and Taylor jacking off together in bed. The two eventually jack each other off to completion. (Director: Jerry Douglas)

Just look at the gaze of pure lust Taylor gives Lowe. Douglas knew how to direct his actors.

I hope you enjoyed this new list of incest-themed videos! Sorry, I don’t have links to the movies! These are all from my private collection. The following is the link to the previous post:

Click here to find John Valjean’s long-form stories now exclusively at Smashwords!

[dethshit]

My OCs

Akita Kujakissa: The co founder of his band Blood Wenches. He’s typically vocals or guitar/bass but can play other instruments. A (proud) gay Finnish crossdresser with a mission to dismiss that twinks are sweet and feminine. He will leave you a bloody mess and isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. Sarcastic with a sharp wit, he will leave you insecure, depressed and stressed. He is very high maintenance and is basically a human version of a cat. 

Noni Misipeka: The co founder of the Blood Wenches. A complete and total genderfluid sweetheart who goes by they/them pronouns. They’re massive at 6′6″ with muscles for days. They’re not a fan of violence and are often bullied for being such a big softie. They are very much a flower child and often act as the balance to Akita. They like staying in the background and often play drums, sometimes growling along to Akita’s vocals. They come from a small island in the Pacific and are very affectionate.  

Dana Kujakissa: Akita’s cousin from Russia. She’s a born mute and caused the Kujakissa family to learn how to sign in English, Finnish and Russian. She doesn’t let her inability to speak get in the way of her career as a makeup artist. She’s famous for her horror and gore makeup which led Nathan to her. They had a whirlwind romance that ended in a mutual friendship. She’s very sweet and often puts other people ahead of herself which gets her scolded by Akita. She opted to dye her platinum blonde hair black and Akita often dyes her roots for her so they don’t end up exposed after a week. 

Carmen Hidalgo: At an even 5′0″, she is full of fire and mischief. She decided against high heels after a mishap during her high school years that she’d rather not talk about. A full blown lesbian, she’s kept it to herself for years. She is very much a mom friend and forces everyone to eat even if they’re full. She and Charles don’t have a good friendship because he’ll try to get out of eating to keep working and she will break his door to make sure he actually eats something. She never heard of Dethklok until she finally met them since their merchandise and tickets were so expensive. She is a die hard Blood Wenches fan girl and often promotes their tours in her Instagram and Twitter. 

Wayne Offdensen: The father with “strong hands” hailing from Chicago. Charles is a carbon copy of his father with his mother’s green eyes. Many people perceive him as cold and he is unless you’re family. He taught his sons how to put on a suit and how to tie a tie but only Charles really took it (which brings him great pain since “a man should always look his best.”) His serious demeanor often gets him marked as an asshole. He worked as an office worker up to his retirement and lives in the South with his wife since he can’t seem to pull her out. 

Suzanne Offdensen: A Southern belle that Charles got his height and green eyes from, she is always positive. She has a goofy personality and is always making someone laugh (is it deliberate or accidental, the world may never know). She has a very bright smile and anyone who makes her stop smiling has to face Wayne. She loves her sons to pieces and would lay down her life for them. Charles is wary to tell her anything about his work and gives her only the basic details to keep her from worrying too much. 

Brian Offdensen: Charles’ older brother and the one who teased him mercilessly throughout his youth. He is the main reason why Dethklok’s shenanigans barely shock him. He’s laidback in comparison to his brother and father and would much rather just hang out on the beach than an office. Last Charles heard, he was working at some beach resort trying to make it big. 

Jaska Kujakissa: Akita’s father. He’s an outdoors man and will often be found out with his wife Ilma working or playing in the snow like teenagers. He has a thick blonde beard and a head full of wild curls that his son inherited. He taught his son and nieces and nephews self defense since Akita’s tendencies to dress like a girl and Dana’s muteness often attracted people with questionable intentions. He is very family oriented and only wants the very best for his son. 

Ilma Kujakissa: Akita’s mother. She has a stone face that could rival a gargoyle. Reading her emotions is a task all in its own. Because of her inability to show her emotion on her face, she was often bullied and no one really wanted to date her until Jaska went up to her. (Turns out you just have to actually look her in the eyes to see what she’s thinking). She is only an inch taller than her husband but loves to tease him about his height. She has a surprisingly dirty mouth and taught Akita all the swear words when he was only six. She will straight gut anyone who has something negative to say about her son. 

Niko Kujakissa: Dana’s father. A man with a big laugh and an even bigger appetite. He may be a little chubbier than his brother Jaska but the two will still compete as if they were forever stuck in their 20s. Dana’s envious of his straight hair and wished she got that instead of the Kujakissa Curls. He stayed close to home to be with his parents and siblings which resulted in Dana and Akita growing up like siblings. 

Sari Kujakissa: A Russian woman with a heart of gold. She loves cooking and more importantly, cooking for her husband and daughter. She wanted to pursue a life as a chef but due to financial troubles, she had to give up on her dream. She pushed for Dana to go after her dream of being a makeup artist and is so proud of her daughter for accomplishing so much, even if it is a little too gruesome for her taste. 

[chronotopes]

book log: a stitch in time by andrew robinson

you guys i’m going to go bullet point by bullet point through all of my ibooks annotations so buckle in if you dare 

first of all that first chapter owns my ass. “indulge me if you will i need you as a witness”?? that’s the most. that’s the absolute most. that said, the concept that they Grew Apart after our man bashir, while ... certainly canon compliant.... is a piece of canon i refuse to accept. i have my own canon timeline for these kinds of things

i fucking LOVE pythas lok? i lived for that relationship. in fact the fact that this book is just garak cycling through his exes and the way they were all instrumental to events unfolding on cardassia? in fact i begin now to suspect that gul dukat is the only cardassian from garak’s past whom garak hasn’t fucked AND isn’t related to 

i whooped victoriously when garak said he was attracted to pythas. small victories. and then again when garak criticized odo’s uniform. 

love that the bamarren parts of the book that don’t involve palandine read like some kind of fucking... edwardian all boys school shit. like am i reading an a.e. housman poem? am i rewatching maurice (1987) dir. james ivory? no i am reading a beta canon epistolary novel about a gay lizard 

on that note garak being genuinely into women is something ajr and i disagree on but that’s just like to each his own 

garak’s famed volcano dick made me laugh. this book is such a fanfic at times. and then palandine teaches him that IT’S ALL TRUE, ESPECIALLY THE LIES. in fact like ... i didn’t even consider this now but in the garak/palandine stuff at bamarren reads in certain cases like early seasons garashir? but we’ll get to the more concrete parts of alla that later 

anyway .... “but i’m also a doctor, garak. and i know which group of people suffers the most. i really won’t take up any more of your time.” he extended his hand, which he rarely did, and i took it. “thank you for the tea.” he turned and went out the door.  i stood there for a long moment, deeply upset. i felt trapped within myself, knowing what i had to do to get out but unable even to begin. yes, doctor, it does sound familiar.” WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS!! (what the fuck was that whole scene!!!)

SPEAKING of doctors, dr parmak is really something. sorry i know a lot of you love him but i hope you realize he’s a rebound of a mighty order. self care is dating an older lizard flavored carbon copy of your ex bf. 

this was like finding out that in ds9 beta canon ro laren becomes SECURITY OFFICER and dates QUARK is a similar experience to this. ro laren and kelas parmak: the only thing they have in common is being quark and garak’s doctor and security officer rebounds. 

that said ro is her own person! parmak is a fig leaf. a plot device. andrew robinson winking at you from seventeen years ago. a mirror. god! 

anyway then two of garak’s three school crushes hook up, and he’s left with pythas who is the best one anyway.

and there’s the fucking insane sequence where garak goes on lots of hikes with a Privileged Federation Twink whom he’s totally dtf as his first spy mission. and at one point, even though garak does hate his guts along with being dtf he thinks he’s “so concerned, so caring. i took another long breath. [...] i looked hans in the eyes and resisted being swallowed by their immeasurable blue depths.” like i’m not saying garak has a type but garak has a type! 

i forgot about this but aside from pythas and that bitchy cousin of lukar, among garak’s classmates turn out to be the asshole from the casablanca episode and a relative of tekeny ghemor. it’s some 19th century lit bullshit and i LOVED it! as if this weren’t enough, there are four lights guy is also in this. 

we also briefly meet remara, a totally deadly ex gf of kira’s. idk what garak was trying to do with their relationship but i’m totally interested in fanfic about remara being an asshole ex gf of kira’s. 

garak’s battles of conscience are great. again very 19th c . i love how miserable he is throughout this book. 

OH AND THEN HE AND PYTHAS LIVE IN THE WOODS FOR A MONTH OR SO AND FEEL LIKE.. COMFORTABLE FOR ONCE IN THEIR LIVES... AND PROBABLY HAVE SEX! 

ooh and then we get a rlly spooky sequence where we see the wire IN ACTION

the assassin cover professions we’ve seen in this book and in this show are either Lesbian Professions (gardeners, park rangers) or Gay Professions (the fashion industry). what is it with covert operations and the lgbt community. 

i SCREAMED about chapter 19 earlier today. but just to go over it once more 

garak has a spooky dream about julian burying him alive ! so he hits him up at six in the fucking morning 

“doctor forgive me but i need to see you,” i said as calmly as i could.  “garak?”  “i do apologize but it’s important.” 

and then garak hears “another voice in the background. ezri dax. a muffled conversation. the doctor cleared his throat again. “i’ll be right over” he said.” I LOVE THAT EZRI AND JULIAN AREN’T EVEN FUCKING AT THIS POINT BUT AJR COULDN’T RESIST HIGHLIGHTING THE RIVALRY BETWEEN THEM?!

and then julian said “there are more things in heaven and earth horatio than are dreamt of in your philosophy” and i died on the spot. they’re IN LOVE?! ajr i thought you wrote garashir as unrequited but what kind of man quotes hamlet talking 2 horatio at his platonic dude friend while he’s run over to his quarters in the middle of the night after said platonic dudefriend has a nightmare? 

“i was also convinced that it was all a dream, and i kept asking myself what you were doing there” like what the actual fuck? anyway they talk the wire and it’s a lot. and of course “you not only saved my life you made it possible for me to live it.” 

AND THEN OF COURSE “this is my last trip to cardassia. i’m not returning. you were in the dream for a very specific reason. once again, you helped me remember. thank you, julian.” JULIAN! JULIAN!! i’m DYING OF CARDIAC ARREST! (also this scene finally solidified my headcanons for when they break up for the second time.) 

anyway then the palandine shit goes down and garak kills his OTHER old school crush (the one that turned out to be a dick) 

one of my notes on here, verbatim: “have garak and quark had sex” i asked myself and then immediately wanted to die

the second time garak said that kelas parmak was “so much like you, doctor” i damn near screamed in frustration. don’t try me like this elim!! 

and then we get the last julian mirror who’s that sad federation woman who spills her soul to elim and the line “CAREFUL, ELIM. YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL THAT THE SUREST WAY TO YOUR HEART IS THROUGH CONVERSATION”

okay and THEN he meets pythas who’s been Permanently Marked By The Horrors Of War and he’s got a gf who saved his life even though he didn’t want to be saved at first.... so like pythas is special because he’s a garak mirror AND a garak boyfriend at the same time!

and pythas was in the grounds trying to warn garak before all the shit went down with palandine. i’m dying scoob

the fact that the epilogue starts with the line “it’s just garak. plain simple garak.” the flashback timeline ends at the point garak meets julian! i hate this it’s so fucking romantic

and then YOU’RE ALWAYS WELCOME DOCTOR..... like idk about the canon status of a lot of these things but i totally buy this novel as a thing that exists that garak sent. which of course is a great jumping off point for post canon cardassia fic. justice is so sweet.