#what am i doing wrong. why cant i connect to people. why dont they want to stay connected to me. what about myself is so fucking abhorrent

[autisticlee]

sometimes being autistic really separates me from other people. there's an invisible wall that separates me from people, society, the world. all those things can reach through the wall and slap me around, but it's one way. I can't reach them. and they never pat me on the head. nothing nice comes through. and I can't get out. I try to share good things. nothing gets through the wall. they see it as I purposely don't come out of the room i'm locked in. they think I act like i'm too good for them. they are offended and reach in to slap me. i'm desperately screaming and trying to reach out to them. trying to be part of things. but I can't. I can't connect with them. I can't be part of society. this wall isn't my doing, but they are making sure it stays up and making sure they only send negative signals through. know I can't stay behind this wall or I literally can't live. but also can't get out. i'm stuck and blamed for it. told i'm not trying and it's on purpose. i've been kicking and screaming at the wall my whole life and didn't make a dent. the lonliness and disconnection that can be felt when autistic is something nonautistic people will never feel or understand.

[grey-has-rusted]

^me when i am a sensitive person

[foxgirlplushie]

I don't fit it anywhere

[devotioncrater]

.

[147cookies]

what is the future with these ai chatbots

[olvitier]

Sorry its so late buf i am in an Edling mood tonight and I will never stop thinking about the idea of how theyre the epitome of right person wrong time.

(obviously in a context of like fandom shenannigans where canon events arent 100% set in stone like edling arent canon but also idc !! they are to me! im ignoring it let me be insane) ANYWAY

Even if they wanted to be together post promised day Ling has all the responsibilities of Xing and his clan and Edward would never hold him back from that for a second. Im of the opinion that brotherhood Edward feels a lot of guilt for wanting love from the people around him particularly those he sees as good (winry, alphonse, etc) especially if hes done things hes perceived as hurting them (maes’ death, the transmutation, etc etc). Which is why I think Edward connects with Ling so well cayse he doesnt carry the weight of a lot if his past mistakes, and then when the stone happens its like goddamn it i roped this guy into my shit again. Like i dont know Edward doesnt really dedicate himself so fully to people outside of winry and ed a lot so its interesting like!!

He cares about a lot of people like the majority of the allied cast and we see him be openly affectionate towards Nina and Hughes pre their deaths but I think Ling is the only person hes ever decided to stick with WITHOUT alphonse? I may be wrong but the whole sure Ill stay with you and trust my brother and Winry to stay safe and follow you around the outskirts of the east for a week till the promised day to protect my new friend is so??? what?? huh???

But anyone my point is post promised day Edward cant really ever see a future with Ling because of all the responsibility Ling holds outside of him and its veyr tragic imo like especially because in a different scenario if Ling didnt have those responsibilities and Edward wasn’t so dedicated to the people around him to a fault of never thinking about his own desires I think they could have the possibility of a future.

Like I have read a lot of fanfiction abiut Ed traveling to Xing and living with him there but?? I realistically cant see him ever doing that just solely because Edward is not the type of person to settle down! like its my one and only criticism of the fma manga is that I cannot see Edward ever being satisfied with a simple life? Like even in Fma 03 which is my favourite interpretation of Edwards character once he gets stranded in our world he learns?? Rocket Science?? For the chance to get back to Amestris but he doesnt really seem to take that goal all that seriously especially considered Alfons ends up getting involved in a lot more aircraft projects than Edward like Edwsrd genuinely enjoys learning!!

Im pretty sure he was the one who dragged Alphonse into Hoenhiems office when they were kids after he left, probably to Al’s reluctance of if they were allowed in there, and started ripping through all of his old books just to learn. Edward never stops and it gets so bad that he never stops to even consider himself constantly worrying about getting his brother back or improving the states of others lives especially when! ya know! the whole country is at stake!!

So in a circumstance post promised day where Ed decides what he wants to do (my personal favourite interpretation is either an alchemical researcher outside of directly performing alchemy, ie revolutionizing the circle matrixes and discovering nee combinations or becoming a professor of some kind) I dont think he would give that up to settle again. And obviously Ling cant exactly up and leave being Emperor unless he decides he doesnt want to, im not the most knowledgable on Lings characterization so I wont speak there but!

They have so much fun together and compliment each other and genuinely care about each other so much but their happiness and fulfillment as people to themselves and others make it so its nearly impossible they would ever realistically end up together and its really doomed and tragic!! idk i think about it a lot.

[love-byers]

What do you think about people saying that us Bylers are not supporting Robin as a character and they only see her as a gay mentor for Mike & Will? That we only see Rovickie as gay mentors for them. Some people are saying that because we pay alot of attention to Byler that it overshadowed Robin of her coming out as lesbian, personally i disagree with this, obviously everybody has their own opinions but I we can also voice our own. With Robin, I obviously see her as her own character yk? I don't see her as just a gay mentor for the kids, Robin is her own person, Rovickie is their own ship, I know it may look like I probably just see her as just a gay mentor but it's really not like that, she is an absolutely amazing character, she is for sure as hell a good example for people who are in the closet? I feel the same with Rovickie. Rovickie is their own ship, but I really don't see anything wrong with wanting them to guide Mike & Will, it's a necessity imo because their soo young and they don't know how to deal with all of this (especially in the 80s) they need help and guidance. But yeah I went on a whole rant haha, BTW I'm sorry if I don't explain well lol

i actually just saw the thing you're talking about and screenshotted it to post here!! i honestly think its so dumb. and i dont just say that because im a byler fan and feel attacked

if you're a byler fan and run a byler account, no shit you're going to mostly post about byler. if you don't run a robin blog/account you probably don't mention her as much as whatever your account is dedicated to. i do talk about other ST topics and general theories but its mostly byler. because thats just what i like to talk about. so yes a lot of the time when i mention other characters its in relation to byler, not always though. that doesn't mean i dont like the characters or only view them as support beams for byler.

as a lesbian i love robin and think she's wonderful representation. i heard it was maya hawke's idea which i think means robin was originally going to be straight and just didn't see steve that way so it was going to be about him accepting the fact that a girl doesn't like him just because. but i'm so happy maya suggested that because its eons better than the original. robin is a great character and i think her coming out scene is so perfect and well written. her fear is so relatable, that feeling when you realize your guy friend likes you but you really do love him and don't want to lose him? its scary. and maya portrayed that beautifully. seeing her be accepted by steve was so emotional and also really important.

but i don't say all of that every day because i'm not a robin blog. i've posted about her/rovickie a few times without relation to byler, but yes i frequently mention parallels and mike and will interacting with robin and vickie in s5. because i am absolutely PUMPED FOR THAT. will is my favorite character and i think it would be really touching to see him interact with another queer person and feel like he can finally open up and feel safe while doing it. i don't know why some people think we're evil for wanting that. like its such a real thing for queer youth, making your first gay friend, perhaps someone a bit older and more realized/confident, and being SO happy that you can speak freely and be yourself. i want that for will who at this point in the story feels like a mistake, and of course mike makes him feel better about that as he said, but he cant speak freely around him. he could do that with robin. he probably feels like the only gay person in hawkins, so imagine how happy he would be to find out there's MORE!! THEY EXIST!! YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!!!

if you don't want to see queer characters connect especially in the 80s i honestly don't know what to say. you've got some serious pettiness problems if you don't want that

and i also hate the trend of diehard ST fans acting like the characters are real people. they're made up. you can't hurt their feelings. getting offended on behalf of a character is some real chronically online behavior.

there is no quota on how many times you have to post about a certain character. its your account and they're not real people so you can do WHATEVER YOU WANT. for every post you make relating robin to will or rovickie to byler, you don't have to make another post talking about how great robin is to make up for it. that's stupid. i seriously dont know what they expect when they go on a BYLER ACCOUNT.

i used to get attacked on twt for only mentioning el in relation to byler, which first of all wasn't true, but even if it was WHO CARES??? i was a byler account literally WHAT DID THEY EXPECT??? it hurts no one. people just hate byler fans (which honestly i lowkey understand cause some of us are terribly annoying) and look for any reason to sound justified when they express that hate.

you dont have to equally divide your love and attention to all the characters. you don't. at all.

[sulfies]

Thoughts on William Miles? I was listening the Assassin’s Creed Lorecast podcast and one of hosts always talks about how much she hates him. I wont forget how he punched Desmond in face :/

I do not think he was a good father, I do not like him but also I do not think after hearing Desmonds voicemails I hate him as much as I did before.

maybe not a good comparison but...think of the Abuela in Enchanto who everyone was like "she needed to be punished more she sucks!! how can they forgive her??" when Mirable and Bruno forgave her. The thing is, no matter what, she was their family, and she was tough bc she thought tough love was what kept the family afloat after all that happend and for kids; letting go of family when they show they are capable of change even the tiniest bit is hard especially for ethnic families. Most kids want to hear a "I am sorry I was wrong" rather than revenge and they are drawn to hope of "maybe they will change" like a moth into the flame.

I think Desmond is in a similar boat, he knows that his dad sucks and how he was raised was fucked but he also longs for his family and what they could be. You can see their convos change once Desmond saves Will. Will softens a bit more even his emails show it once he realizes he might die there and I think that hit Desmond hard as well as Will. Same thing when Desmond asks if Will searched for him and Will replied with "everyday" you could see that He misses his father, it takes a lot for a person to fully give up on their family and Will stepping one step onto his side gives him hope he cant let go of.

He is an abusive father 100% but I dont think he abused Desmond just to abuse him, He is basically a military general having to juggle so many stuff he does not know how to be anything else. He probobly was raised in somewhat similar manner and thinks tough love is what will make Desmond survive. "Let him hate me if thats what gets him to fight/live/listen" is probobly what his brain is wired to and at one point he forgot his fatherhood so much it turned worse.

It is not healthy, it does not excuse the stuff he did but explains. I understand the people that hate him and maybe dont agree with me 100%. I also hate that he even dared to get physical w Desmond!

As I said he is not a good man but I also understand why Desmond is willing to forget and forgive, he lived thru so much his dad punching him probobly doesnt make it to top 10, cutting off family is hard and Desmond already did that once! people usually constantly look for small reasons to stay connected, + Desmond while going thru all of this kidnapping/mindgames/fights/brainmelt/bleedingeffect probobly did not want to also lose his father again since its one of his few safeish constants.

I also dont think Desmond would ever let it all get swept under the rug if he lived, he would hold his father acountable for many things and look for explanations. The talk probobly would go for hours and they would have many shouting matches and who knows how it would end but I'd like to think they could begin repairing their relationship

Long story short I do not like him, Id probobly cheer if Desmond punched him back but I also dont think he hated Desmond or didnt love him. He loved him but how he showed his love to protect him was wrong and abusive. It did more harm than good as tough love approach usually does.

Ps: I think Desmonds mom also sucked bc like clearly she didnt step in when shit happend in Desmonds youth, tbh hearing her voice was weird bc I expected a stren teacher like voice and heard a bubbly woman

[blessedshortcake]

I feel like this has the potential to either be really stupid or very spot on and i need to write it down or I explode.

A theory on the AAHW and their purpose that is a little more than just "Hank kill people so we have to kill them". Long post so more under the cut. Spoilers obviosly.

For disclaimer I am referencing only the games, the series and the wikis so if there was anything else said on streams or something that is canon and I missed it then my bad. Also this is mostly speculation. Also it is 1am I am tired and non native English speaker so if I mispell stuff no I did not. Nuh us.

Also if this is already common knowledge then. Oops. I am a little slow. Lol. Tell me I'd like to know that I am late to the party.

There will be segments I will title since this is long so people can skip parts if they wanna.

Okay starting up we already know that the Employers have a connection to the makers of Nevada as they are not only 5 dimensional beings that like guide people and do other stuff, are compared to angels by Krinkels but also help The Machine apparently.

NEXUS ARENA MODE

For people unfamiliar with Madcom Project Nexus arena game lore, The Machine and The Maker are the two creators of Nevada. They are referred to as "brothers" but like is that relevant rn? No. The Maker and Doc team up and get the arena player in a loop to keep defeating the Stweard of The Machine and be the "direct connection to all reality" Doc needs which is important for many reasons.

The player is a gen 01 Nevadaian (how tf do i spell that) they are "quicker to ascend to godhood". There are other confirmed examples of gen1 like Phobos and i cant remember the rest but yeah gen1 is needed for this.

I genuinely belive that the player is needed for whatever revival Doc can do to keep making Hank come back. And I have proof! When we see in 9.5 the text overlay, we see the description "Machine Witness" when talking about Hank which sure could be Hank as he is the person monitored at that moment but how could they Really be it? It is probably Auditor as the thing then commands Hank to be retained immediately and Auditor is most definitely a machine witness as they directly work with it.

But then we see it is 2b helping them get out of the other place. He is sending tips and messages so it wouldn't be far fetched to say he uses the same exact system. Auditor doesn't need a witness to revive people and track them in the other place since they can already do a bunch of stuff and also they Are the witness. Also, why else would Doc need a connection to "all reality" if not to revive people? Possibly to reality restoration but eh. I am banking on the former.

(Speculation about the player, side ramble)

In my opinion, the way the players situation worked was Maker contacting Doc and giving him a hint about what all he needs to do. Maker cannot directly change stuff, they are hiding from the Machine. Since the player is confirmed to be the first grunt from Mashmallow Madness, i think they are ALSO the grunt encased in the marshmallow, a relic that is in a mission where you MUST protect it or you lose. I think its also in the museum in story mode but i could be wrong. They are listed as two different entities on the wiki but like they are also stuck in a time loop and can pick a preset of skills each run so I dont think its that ridicolous to assume this.

So Doc got the hint about a gen1 grunt existing somewhere and got their DNA and did some science bs to link it to a body, hence the no past thing and their ability to gain whatever skills and personality and abilities they want (aka the imprints)

BACK TO THE AAHW

Since we know AAHWs main goal is to, well, kill Hank, do we really get more of an explanation on why? Yeah ok they kill people. So does everyone else let us move past that for a moment.

The AAHW is ran by Auditor and he seems Very adamant about getting that one guy killed for seemingly no particular reason. I mean, Employers are higher beings so one guy just going around killing people should not be so concerning unless they are committing like mass murder to the point the population is running out which does not seem to be the case.

I think Hank is potentially the key to restoring normality to Nevada whatever the hell that actually consists of. Killing the Macine? Killing the Employers? Pushing a button? Shrug man.

The Higher Powers favor them canonically and the Higher Powers are not the Machine or Maker but something equal if not slightly lower than them (perhaps some meta of the audience i dont remember if we got a confirmation or not), Doc keeps bringing him back and Doc has a connection to Maker, who is trying to fix all of this mess without being absorbed by the Machine so to speak. Auditor being threatened by him makes a lot more sense when you think about it.

It also makes sense because it is their Literal Job as an Employer to keep things going as they are. "As they are" being helping the Machine destroy everything with madness so normality restoration would mean they failed.

I feel like Auditor is the one Employer who really doesnt want that happen since no other ones show up (save for Stygian in arena mode but that is a special case and even then its for like 5 frames lol) and it is said that they think Auditor's involvment with all this is kinda dumb... Like if Auditors one job is genuinely to keep madness in Nevada and let everyone die then RIP you got the most caught in this family drama between the creators sorry.

(SIDE NOTE, THE AGENTS)

Oh my dearest 1337 agents you keep me up at night.

Someone tell me how on EARTH are dissenters a thing if AAHW agents specifically are supposed to not only lack indaviduality (their s3lf) but also be unable to adapt and learn from their enviroment?

The only known AAHW members who we know the bg of are Jebus and Tricky so it makes sense why those two are like that but if Doc is supposedly past AAHW does that mean he is also a clone or does that mean he was hired by Auditor and ended up quitting like Jeb did? Because if it is the latter, calling him a dissenter is a Little petty Auditor but like fair enough.

I know a widely known hc is that Deimos is also a clone since he is heavily implied to be a dissenter by his wanted poster (or canon tbh) so does that make HIM a clone?

(My thoughts on AAHW units, Doc and Deimos, a side ramble)

I think whatever Doc has going on he is not a clone but has some other history. Possibly old Nexus connections like Jeb and Tricky but most likely not an old agent... But Deimos is. Maybe also Sanford idk his lore is a lot more loose in my eyes. We need more Sanford content.

I think agents have no s3lf (which is yea canon) but they can sorta develop preferences and learn things to an extent on their own. They can have food preferences, they know birthdays, they get bored and play games. They are still people after all. I think Auditor just keeps such a tight handle on them all (read: kills them for playing cards) that they are forced to act more like mindless units at all times. The SQ is already out to get their ass, getting killed by your own boss would suck a lot more probably. This is also further reinforced by the posters literally everywhere, and I personally think the ones in the other place are like that Because of how aimless and fucking boring their job is there. Edit: also since Stygian has seemingly no intention in helping them at all and Auditor likely never comes around hence the "we are abandoned" text. They observe and learn. They ARE abandoned.

But that also leads us to the next segment - observation. Just because they arent smart enough to be tactical in combat, they can clearly learn and evolve. Agents become soldats or engineers after all depending on the skills taught to them. I think dissenters become a thing when an agent has too much time to actually observe. Which is part of the reason why Auditor runs such a tight ship. Too much personality makes them realise this is fucked up, too little lets them die too fast. I think the more they progress the less humanity they actually have tho. Soldats and engineers are above them, they take commands without question (see the time a soldat fired at their own teammates when told to by whom they assumed to be their boss).

Soldats and Engineers are also confirmation that agents CAN learn if actually given the time and direction to do so like i said. I feel like clones if left without direction kinda suck but if given one they have the potential to absolutely destroy in the field. These units can use their enviroment for survival, they dodge and soldats have better combat abilities. Engineers are apparently very smart in mechanical stuff hence also their name but i cant remember if we ever see that in practicality.

(Tho I do feel like engineers only have the better survival ability because engineers constantly dying like agents would be too hard to replace over and over since they are taught the stuff they know. It would be resources lost.)

Doc being such a pain in the ass (hacking their systems, reviving people, seemingly being the leader of the SQ or at least a high ranking member considering the "man in the chair" descriptor he has, The Whole Maker Connection) would make more sense like that too. Deimos being a clone who either advanced from an agent or stayed one would make sense imo. He is a good fighter and his red blood pretty much excludes the other option but alas.

Imo it would also make their dynamic with Doc more interesting as he would still need some guidance. He probably had some training to get to the point he is but needing directions will stay a constant, and what is Doc if not the commander of SQ? Sanford also fits into that whole descriptor too imo with how he acted in the other place but again I am way less confident in talking about him than anyone else.

Also side note:

Before anyone says it, on the wiki Doc and Deimos never have a confirmation to what gen they are. As far as I remember not even Hank has one so the possibilities are pretty up in the air as of now. (But again Hank as Gen 1 would make a lot of sense considering... gestures. But who knows. This post is not about that.)

TLDR

Auditor wants Hank dead so bad because not only do the Higher Powers favor them, but because they have a direct connection to Maker who is against the Machine's effect of madness and is likely the key to actually restoring normality to Nevada, and Auditors literal job is to keep Nevada in madness as it is.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. PLEASE let me know your thoughts I spent like an hour writing this and I don't know if I sound insane or if this makes any sense. Either way I am. Autistic as hell about this. So yeah

If i forgot something let me know. I will probably edit it if I remember something too lol

[emoreooo]

doomed valentines 🥀

aka what if kel and aubrey took over sweetheart’s castle ?

this is an au where if you interact with the keeper of sweethearts castle as anyone but omori, it unlocks a whole new optional level. you wake up in the picnic area with hero but no kel or aubrey. sweethearts castle is different and basil joins you for this level

the castle's main towers seem to have split into two, but the main building remains one, and smaller from the outside. but it turns out to be unnaturally spacious at times, as if the building was a psychological maze trying to separate... certain people apart

you find aubrey. she looks different, but happier. “it's like a princess' dream come true. it’s everything i could ever want and more.” she says, smiling at you. “now... all i need left is my lovely prince charming—”

“hey, guys !!”

enter kel.

“ugh.”

kel also looks different, if not for the fact hes wearing an obnoxious shade of pink, head to toe. he is happy to see you all. “everyone here LOVES me ! they respect me and trust me and all that kinda stuff. man, i feel so powerful ! im never leaving this place !”

that didnt seem to sit right, so hero intervened. “but.. if you stayed here, wouldn’t you miss everyone else ? omori, basil, me... mari ?”

“well, duh ! that’s why you guys will be staying with me too !”

that broke a new fight between kel and aubrey, but for the wrong reasons

it ends with aubrey dragging basil along with her, hero with kel, and you alone on the bridge connecting the two towers. you have a choice to follow one of them first. lets say, kel.

you head for kels tower and find hero talking with kel, trying to convince his brother.

“didja know ?? the sprout moles here love me so much they made me offerings, like, im a god or something ! pretty cool huh ?”

“..offerings ?”

“yeah ! oh man.. hero, youre not jealous, right ?”

“wh— no. its just.. a bit ridiculous.”

“...ridiculous ?” kels confused expression contorts into a smile, that of understanding. “i see whats going on. its okay, hero, i know its gotta be tough to be put to the side. and overlooked. bet its weird not being in the spotlight for once.”

you caught a quick flash of horror written on heros face. “kel.. are you saying this because—”

“but its ok ! as long as were here, neither of us will ever have to feel that way !”

remaining determined, hero put his foot down. “thats enough, kel. you cant stay here.”

“yea, thats a good one, bro.”

“im... serious. were leaving, kel.”

the younger boy stops laughing. ”...oh. youre— why ?”

“i dont think this place is anything like it seems. i think its a sham.”

kel barks with laughter.

“oh so when it benefits ME is it a sham. man, how selfish can you be ?”

“...what ?”

“you really cant stand it when its not all about you, huh ? but what about me ? what about kel ?”

“i-i think this place is affecting you. please, kel, listen to me.”

“no. if you wanna leave so bad, fine ! the sprout moles can send you out. but im not leaving. im happy here anyway, and you wont get it.”

with that, kel leaves you two in his tower. hero seems distracted, before suggesting you both go find basil

you head for aubreys tower, only to find a scared basil locked in a cell. upon freeing him, he stares over your shoulder.

“o-omori.” he whispers. “...behind you.”

“well, well.. well !”

enter aubrey.

“aubrey! why was basil locked in?” hero asks, perplexed.

“hm? well, he kept trying to leave! i couldnt let that happen, not when i was sharing my happiness with him.” aubrey frowns. “i thought he was my friend.”

basil looks terrified. “aubrey.. i am your friend.”

“hmhm, of course you are. friends dont leave each other behind, right omori?”

hero once again steps in. “aubrey, i think youre taking this too far. of course we want you to be happy, but kidnapping your friends isnt the way. this place is messing with your heads, so we should leave before it gets worse.”

but your path is blocked by kel in the doorway.

“that wont do.” aubrey hums behind you, brandishing her shiny pink bat. “no.. not at all. what do you think, kel ?”

“i think its rude to leave in the middle of a party. right, hero? you taught me that one!”

“kel..”

he then takes a bow as aubrey joins him. “so, friends, may we have this dance?”

“let us sweep the floor !”

boss battle mechanics !

you can not change aubrey or kels emotions even at the start of the battle. the only ones who can change their emotions are each other, so the best strategy is to adapt with your own party’s emotion play

there are 4 phases to this battle. a neutral state, tier one emotion, tier two, and lastly tier three, much like most emotion based bosses. between each phases, aubrey will make kel happier, while kel makes aubrey angrier. they are not made to have the sad emotion, however,

if you end third phase with an attack from hero, kel will start fourth phase with a depressed emotion instead of manic, giving your team good advantage on winning since he relies on speed. aubrey will still be furious, but its still one enemy disadvantaged

once you defeat them they will go snork mimi in your arms and you must carry them out of the castle and back to mari.

“aww, i guess its past their royal nap time !”

[meowzilla93]

this is a rant, vent, jumble of words im feeling and need to get it out of my system because im a little done

please scroll along if you dont wanna read, or dont, i dont control you

it never ceases to amaze me just how cruel people in fandoms can be. cruel, mean, hyprocritical, straight up dumb.

dont get me wrong, these people are a minority. i have found myself amongst the best sort of people in fandoms i am a part of and couldnt be happier for the friendships i have made from them.

but this incredibly loud minority piss me off to no end. i stay away from any sort of discourse, silently watching from the background and watch thing blow up over trivial matters, and then learn who to avoid in those circles and move on with my life

but when i see, what i consider to be blatant bullying, to someone i hold dear, i dont want to be quiet anymore. im not a loud figure, im a tiny blog that loves to simp over 2d characters, a tiny stream channel that i interact with like minded people. and i mean i am TINY, im barely a blip on this wide web. so anything i say, it doesnt go anywhere, so still, i stay silent until i cant anymore.

so lets get to the crux of the matter.

if you dont like a character, you dont get to make others feel bad about liking them. i dont care if you think they are problematic, if you dont like their story, their look, or simply the fact that they exist

you dont get to make someone feel bad for finding a connection with them and loving them

you dont get to attack them about liking the character, passively or aggressively, you dont get to make fun of them and any of the work they do around them. you have no right to take it upon yourself and make someone feel like they dont belong just because they like a character that you dont

if you dont like the character, dont fucking interact, its that bloody simple. scroll away. mute the tag, mute the channel, whatever. just walk away

interacting with someones content for the pure purpose to make fun of it is cruel. you are making it public that you want to demean the person for what they enjoy. and the worst thing is, if you catch the attention of the younger audience, they learn that they get to act that way, and this kind of online activity only gets worse

it already has gotten worse. man, im a millenial and i thought keyboard warriors when i was in highschool and older where bad. these days the younger generation feel justified to think that they can say whatever they want and suffer no consequences of those actions. i see it in so many fandom discourses. its horrible

but they learn from the worst of us on the internet. the more they see the cruel interactions, the more they think its okay to act that way. and without a doubt, fandoms will end up being incredibly toxic environments that people wont feel comfortable to exist in anymore.

every fandom has a toxic space, its unfortunate but it is true. i wish it wasnt

and the smaller the fandom, the louder this toxic group is

it just fucking sucks. and watching people i care about be treated so badly hurts because all i can do is be their support. an ear, a shoulder, just someone they can vent to. but it doesnt stop the fact that they got hurt and i cant do anything about it

god i dont even know what this even turned into. im tired, im upset, im just so frustrated.

why cant people just be nice?

if you managed to read all the way down here, man i applaud you. that was a great mess of thoughts, i still have many more but at this point i feel like i would be repeating myself

please, just. be kind guys. its not that hard, i swear it

to all my moots, honestly, i love you guys. seeing all your work and love you put into your creations gives me life and brightens my day. dont ever stop loving your craft and your fav characters just because someone decided to be a prick.

[farmerlesbian]

hi farmer lesbian!

so ive identified as bisexual for a long time but ive discovered recently i feel very comfortable within the lesbian ideas of gender and specifically the butchfemme community. i’ve been dating someone recently who also identified as bisexual but has related to transmasc lesbians understanding of gender as well as posts about butches. we both kind of see ourselves within the butchfemme dynamic but i’ve been very tough on myself with calling myself a lesbian because i’ve dated a man before (…in middle school..)

it’s gotten to the point where i’m really worried to label myself because of what it’d imply for my partner? but also what people would say? and while i know i dont HAVE to label myself it just sucks to know theres an identity im drawn to and feel like i fit into that i cant immediately slip into

hmm i'm not really sure how to guide you here. i guess i want to challenge you on some of the things you're saying here, it feels like you're coming at this from maybe the "wrong" angle (wrong feels too harsh a word, maybe just not the most helpful angle)

you're worried you can't call yourself a lesbian because you dated a boy in middle school? i think.. a LOT of lesbians dated boys in jr. high and high school and there are lots of late in life lesbians who were married to men for years before figuring out who they are and coming out. this is all completely normal and common. like, dating one boy in middle school doesn't really mean much tbh. i wouldn't base your identity or label you use around something like that. i dated a bunch of boys in high school and early college when i was still figuring out who i was. your labels or identity or gender or sexuality don't need to account for all you life experiences and past. it's not so much about your sexual history but describing who you are *now*, what you're interested in, in the present.

you say both you and your partner really like Lesbian Genders and butch/femme stuff. that's nice, but liking and relating to lesbian culture and gender stuff doesn't make you a lesbian haha! it's who you're attracted to and who you're not, that determines your orientation. gender and orientation are different things, as i'm sure you know. obviously very connected and stuff. like, for example, just because someone identifies as a man it doesn't make him straight, even though heterosexuality is an integral part of manhood, in the dominant culture. gay trans men are certainly not rare! the same goes for you guys.

also, remember that transmasculinity is a broad umbrella and encompasses a wide variety of people and their identities and experiences. plenty of butches aren't transmasc, and probably most transmascs aren't butch.

i will tell you that in the course of running this blog and being on the internet, i've probably seen and shared thousands of photos and drawing of people. not once have i ever seen something that represents me and my wife. if you are seeking out representation or examples of the options to be, in order to figure out who/what you are, i would advise against that. seek what feels true to you, what feels honest and right. you do not need to be similar to other people in order to find belonging, acceptance, and community. (though of course this is absolutely nothing wrong or bad if you do find others just like you, if you do fit in to existing roles and dynamics! that is of course perfectly normal!)

now, i don't know you or your partner. you know yourselves best. i can't tell you what you really are or really aren't. and i certainly am not going to tell you what you can or can't be! everything i'm saying here is to prompt you to think about and questions to ponder for yourself.

so, i think you have some points to think about, why have you been identifying as bisexual? what is drawing you to the lesbian label? have you tried using 0 labels and not thinking about your identity or labels for at least a month or two (if not a several months) and then coming back and evaluating it afresh? what about the butch-femme dynamic are you drawn to? what is holding you back? you are allowed to discover that you are a lesbian! or you are allowed to continue to be bisexual! i can't tell you who you are - but you're allowed to be and do whatever you want, whatever feels true to you! even if it doesn't make sense to other people or you don't see anyone else like you out there. you gotta be a little bit brave!

hang in there, and sending much love to you and yours! 🧡

[calpalsworld]

I just realized Im over 6 months on T...!!!

My genuine review of T for others who may be considering or just interested in the topic.

Keep in mind that everyone will have different results on T. For me I am on a small dose because my T levels were already high to begin with.

Reasons why I went on T:

Was living out publicly as non binary but I would still feel upset when strangers would misgender me.

Had been wishing that I was more masc body wise and voice wise since at least high school.

Didn't have intense dysphoria but I felt very neutral about my body. It felt strange and like it wasn't progressing how I imagined it would. I had certain features that pissed me off, which I knew T would change.

Dysphoria was triggered in public interactions and when I had to acknowledge my body by myself. I felt like strangers weren't seeing me as me, and felt that I wasn't experiencing my body in the way I wanted to.

Pros:

Everything!!!

Voice that surprises me with how deep it is sometimes. When I lean back against a chair and speak I can feel my diaphragm rumble.

Menstruation stopped almost immediately.

(May be TMI but this is a major thing yet the only thing that I did not know was going to happen before starting). Rapid and significant genital changes. Psychologically helpful for me.

Hairier arms, stomach, and thighs.

Stomach fat and face fat increase. (potentially boob and thigh fat decrease but it may be placebo or just in contrast).

More facial fuzz.

Slightly veinier hands.

Slightly thicker/more muscular arms.

Looking at myself and seeing someone who looks good and confident and masc/butch and feeling great about it. Sometimes I look at myself in the reflections of building windows and get excited.

Being able to discuss T with other friends who are on T.

People misgender me as he/him and a man (Im non binary and go by they/them) more often than misgendering me as she/her and a woman now. This is still not ideal but it bugs me less.

Random queer strangers asking "are you on T!?" and being excited.

Knowing I dont have to live my life as a lie.

Cons:

My pre existing erotophobia (I'm triggered and obsessive over certain things relating to sex) has been activated as I experience new things.

My pre existing paranoia being rebranded into a trans related experience (I worry sometimes people are stalking me and planning to kill me for the slightest things I do wrong, now I worry that its because Im trans). This will go away once I work through my mental illness and internalized bigotry.

Voice hurt when the changes started (like a sore throat for a few weeks as if I was sick).

I cant do a lot of funny voices that I liked doing anymore, but I can do new voices.

New and strange sensations in genital area, during the first few weeks it was very painful (I have Pelvic Floor Dysfunction and Vaginismus so this may not be a universal experience).

Became slightly stinkier and oilier when I started, but it seems to have gone away.

I'm non binary and I still feel connected to women and I get anxious that people won't be able to comprehend that. (examples: others might not like me calling myself "butch" or sharing my experiences with womanhood). But this is internal rather than reflective of anything I've experienced. This may be entirely in my head.

Family awkwardness. Family members assuming crazy stories about how I feel. (generic things like: thinking i hate myself and am scared of men so i want to turn myself into a man?!?!😭😭😭). But friends and others do not assume these things.

(TMI but true) Thick buttcrack hair is annoying.

Future thoughts:

I feel very fortunate that my experience with T is going very well.

I know the best parts of T takes time and patience to become apparent so I am excited that I started at 21.

I am proud of achieving what I thought might only be a fantasy, and I hope I can have access to T for the rest of my life.

[the-astrophel-system]

rant // dont fucking complain in the comments if ive offended you

//

I am so fucking over seeing posts where people enjoy having fictives. where their introjects long for their partners or family or anything. I will be the first to admit that yes some of our introjects, specifically fictives, have felt that way. but it really fucking rubs me the wrong way when you see said introjects posting so fucking often that they miss their partner and wish they split those that they miss.

are you fucking serious?

this is a fucking traumagenic disorder where splits happen because of fucking trauma. they happen from stress. they happen from your brain having some kind of need that isn't being met.

literally fuck off. you want to split more? grow the fuck up and touch grass. no you fucking dont want that. i fucking promise you.

we recently had a split. we just so happen to have that alters partner in our system. you wanna know how thats going? they aren't fucking talking. because splitting isn't fucking fun. splitting people from your source isn't all fun and games. the alter we already had, while yeah they missed their partner, they dont fucking want them here. why? because DID is fucking hell and who the fuck would want to have more alters? who the fuck would want to split?

dont even get me fucking started on "source calls" or anything to do with an alter requesting sourcemates to interact. are you fucking kidding me? do you know how fucking easy it would be for anyone, literally anyone, to pretend they are your source partner. to say all the right things. to manipulate the fuck out of you.

not only is requesting your 'partner' or 'family' to interact, dangerous. but even if they are a genuine fucking system who has good intentions. they aren’t your fucking partner or family dude. they are an introject alter. they are what their brain needs. they will not be your partner. introjects aren’t their fucking source, and you are going against that entirely if you go looking for sourcemates.

i dont care if you miss your family and friends. but no random ass stranger online (or even irl system friends tbh) can fucking replace that.

now there is nothing wrong with having alters within your own system be dating. im not saying you cant. and im not saying you also can't happen to be dating someone who is your partner in source, in another system. im just saying it is fucking dangerous and anti-recovery if that is the reason you are dating them.

you are fucking using each other.

again, genuine connections can form. but i swear to fuck if anyone tries to twist my words i will lose it.

tldr; its fucking dangerous and anti-recovery to seek out your "partner/family" in another system. or to want to fucking split in your own system so you can have your partner there. that is fucked up and im sick of people acting like its not.

[commander-gloryforge]

hm (kinda a rant/vent/i just wanna get things off my chest and actually TALK about whats been bothering me)

so. theres this person that has kind of been the cause of my recent mental lows/imposter syndrome getting worse/fear of connecting to people and general distance from literally every community i enter. i think ive ranted about them before. theyre a writer and in a community i used to be active in, and in the beginning i got along pretty well with them because we both enjoyed similar themes and metaphors in our writing but they ended up kind of dropping me, coincidentally at the same time they gave my actual writing/current wip a shot, and ever since then theyve been sub posting about me in really weird and elitist ways and it kind of had ruined my spirit, especially considering that i did really look up to them as a writer since theyre very into actual technicalities, writing theory, they speak about writing very academically. their odd vague posting ended up seriously knocking down my confidence and ive been spiraling into this strange mindset ever since that i’m incredibly stupid/can never improve/am not a real or proper writer by virtue of the things i write. they talk highly about writing techniques and concepts every writer needs to know, very subtly punch down at those who dont seem to know, yet dont care to make that knowledge easy to understand or accessible to obtain.

on top of that theyve been getting quite close with another new friend i made recently thats very dear to me and seeing them talk about things i cant seem to keep up with because i am too ‘stupid’ has just made me very anxious and brought up old feelings and fears that ive worked very hard on to let go off. this person is keeping me from interacting with a community i love because i cant seem to get ovr the fact that some people just dont like me, because im getting paranoid, because i think their every word is directed towards me, because theyre popular and well liked and everyone always agrees with them, even when what they say goes against what what i do and like.

it really sucks, its been bothering me so much, especially the fact that i cant just let it go. that i cant just ignore them and move on and do what i like without feeling like its wrong or cringe or weird. everytime i think im ready to go back i suddenly see them talking again with my friends that have offered me so much support whenever ive opened up about my struggles and now they suddenly agree and praise that person for having opinions that directly oppose me and the things they were so keen on supporting me on.

but recently i remembered something they said. they said that they dont want to be self indulgent in their writing, that ‘there’s nothing necessarily wrong with self indulgence but it reflects in the writings quality’, that you can ‘tell’ and they dont like that. when they first posted that i just read it and went. oh :( my writing is self indulgent :( does this reflect in my quality as well? is that why they dropped my writing and me, because i like being loud about self indulgence and cringe? and now i remembered that post, and suddenly it kind of clicked

this person very obviously does not write for the same reason as i do. they very obviously do not feel about writing thhe way i feel about it. they talk about it as though it is a science. like its something that needs to be perfected. now, it’s clear that they do love writing, that they have a passion for it, and their technical knowledge very much reflects on their art- and that impresses people. im not like that. i want to learn writing techniques and i want to improve my craft and i want to be taught, properly so, i obviously want to be a good writer, and im going to be a little self obsessed and say that i am a good writer, or at least not a bad one. but there is a difference in how each of us sees writing.

i want to be self indulgent. i want to write what i love. i fucking love writing and story telling and yes, the fact hat my writing is self indulgent does impact the quality of my work, because it makes it better. i am passionate about my worlds and stories and characters because its exactly what i want it to be and thats why is fucking good. because it makes me want to put effort in and learn how to get better. i dont write for a grade, i dont write to make something perfect and deep and meaningful and serious, i dont write to impress someone, i dont write to squeeze as many smart things and references to classic literature in as i can, i write because i want to fucking write what i like.

so im stupid. so im cringe and bad and insecure and a loser and i dont fit into the good writers club but at least what i write makes me happy. whatever. let some fucking whimsy into your life and stop treating me like im an idiot for having different motivations than you.

[big-greer]

I know i dont usually post stuff like this, for the longest time if you had asked me what my gender was id say i was a regular guy..but in truth i say that but i never really felt like i "Fit" with the term guy. Like in my brain whenever i think of myself i never really think specifically about being a male. Before i just assumed "oh its cause i am one, obviously i wouldnt consciously think of that. its sort of a given" but looking back that clearly wasnt the case, always joked how i barely counted as a guy and most people either would laugh like its a joke but a few days ago a coworker asked why..and i sort of froze up cause i had never really stopped and asked myself why? Like i knew i didnt act like a normal guy, i didnt think like one, i never had that attachment to the title of being male. so i always felt this disconnect from manhood, and even when my father tried to teach me to be a man it always felt like i was just an outsider looking in and learning a lesson through a window or something. he tried all kinds of stuff you would expect a "manly" guy to know, hell he even taught me how to track through a forest (would cut notches in trees and we walked from the top of a mountain to the bottom and had me lead us back following the marks he made. yeah dad take your like 14 year old to the fucking bottom of a mountain and make me track cut marks like some legendary hunter lol). and he would always explain what manhood was and i just....it never connected to me you know? i always chocked that up to the fact my dad was never really around (after he and ma divorced he sorta slowly dissapeared from my life till he was dead one day) and so i figured i wasnt like a regular guy cause i was raised by like, 95% woman only so i thought that might be why? but as ive come to realize it isnt that and ive just never really vibed with the idea of being just a guy, its never clicked for me.

Now dont get me wrong, the idea of using she/her pronouns actually is uncomftorable to me so now i feel like im sort of just floating here? in between gender in my own sort of like...little world and im worried about doing it right. Yeah i know "oh i want to do good at gender which is a logical and reasonable thing that can be done" i know i know. But like, i dont want to wear makeup and dresses and stuff (though nail polish would be nice, perhaps a good black would be cool.) and i feel like i dont particularly want to wear any womans clothing? i like guy clothes, there comfy, fit me nice, and for obvious reasons they are all i got lol. Also i like having my goatee and facial hair so thats also a thing. i just worry that after browsing the nonbinary tag that cause of stuff like this i wouldnt be good at being nonbinary, or that i would do it wrong. OH also that i would still be comfortable with people using he/him pronouns as well as they/them but wouldnt feel comftorable with somebody using she/her ones (perhaps this is just cause he/him pronouns are all ive known my entire life and thats why im more comfy with them). yeah all that makes me worried id be doing nonbinary wrong, which i know is a dumb sentence cause nobody can do gender "wrong" and that its a personal thing that is up to only the person whose gender its about feelings on the situation. but that lingering doubt is still in my mind, that i will be some sort of fraud or not ACTUALLY nonbinary and stuff. cause lord knows alot of tumblr views nonbinary as just "WOMAN 2" and if you arnt some hyper androgynous person you arnt actually nonbinary and i know i know, i shouldnt care what fuckin morons on tumblr say.

But gender stuff is new to me, VERY knew. Lord knows i still have strange feelings towards being ace and sometimes worry im not "ACE" enough to be considered ace. so im def still fighting some internal demons about this stuff. But having good friends around is helping out alot and i cant even imagine how id handle dealing with this sort of stuff alone (cause lord knows what little family i got left wouldnt be the most...supportive) anyway uh, gender is fuckin wild and confusing and stupid and simple and everything and nothing and lord does it give me a headache.