#how do i fuck up friendships this badly how is this a repeated thing that has happened since 14?

[devotioncrater]

.

[nekropsii]

i would like to ask you what your basis for calling kankri "canonically aroace" is? (other than celibacy which is not a conformation of said orientation as it as has religious ties and can also be an act of purity, not strictly a part of aroace culture)

like I'm genuinely curious where you find it canon?

My basis is that Kankri identifies himself as AroAspec. I have said this many times. I’m not pulling this out of thin air or saying that Celibacy is the same as being AroAce - though in this case I’d argue those things are clearly being attached to one another by means of false conflation, in the same way Hussie was attaching Horuss’s traits of “Otherkin” and “Being a System” - I am repeating the fact that Kankri explicitly identifies himself as AroAspec. He is using specifically AroAspec language to do so.

… And making the argument that since Hussie was being quite mean about it by making his identity not make sense and also stereotyping it quite badly, and also conflating it with Total Sexual and Romantic Celibacy (which are choices), it is best to just take Kankri as fully AroAce, since that was clearly what Hussie was going for. It’s like taking Horuss as a normal System. Horuss and Kankri’s minority identities have literally the exact same problem in writing.

Very interesting how people react to this train of thought, by the way. It’s not a controversial statement to me, I’ve always operated under this mode of thinking, and I do not particularly get why people freak out about it… Especially when people will generally agree with this line of thinking when it’s literally any other identity. If a character is a meanspirited representation of Trans People, then people will generally accept them as a regular, straight up Trans Character. Same goes for if they’re Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Non-White, Disabled…

What’s the difference? Inability to romantically ship them? Easy solution - Just acknowledge that friendship is not only a valid form of relationship but also can be more meaningful than romance for five fucking minutes. Jeez, lol.

Fun Fact: Kankri is the only character whose orientation is specifically identified in words in Homestuck.

[elliegoose]

Big mental health/life post, because i really wanna put this stuff down on the page and could use the feeling of being heard right about now.

in the summer because of some unfortunate stuff i moved halfway across the country to live with my parents. then some other stuff happened that ended up incidentally triggering some really extreme bipolar episodes--that's why i was in the psych ward a couple months ago and also why i took an unannounced hiatus from this blog for most of october--and ever since then i've been just... struggling kind of a lot.

i feel disconnected from my art, my sexuality, cooking, music, and most things that have been important to me. i don't feel the sense of home that i used to have out in texas. i'm anxious and down most of the time. i feel especially disconnected from the kink communities that used to be kind of the center of my online social life. this has been a particularly difficult emotional blow to endure and a particularly large reason why i've felt so awful.

in the past month, i've developed an inexplicable social anxiety that's horrible to deal with as someone who's normally very outgoing and who used to find socializing very easy. now, though, i'm often just filled with self-doubt and panic while trying to socialize with people, which is making it incredibly difficult to keep building the new friendships i've started to foster out here in my new city.

i'm just doing the best i can every day, attending my IOP program, applying the skills i've been learning there as diligently as possible, keeping up with my hobbies (for as disconnected as i feel from art i'm still doing quite a bit of it, and picking up the banjo has done so much to sustain what little of my mental health i still have), getting out into nature, going to a lot of fun events (drag shows, happy hours, full moon rituals, ttrpg/boardgame nights, furry meetups, folk musician meetups, etc.) and hanging out with the folks i meet there as often as i'm able even despite all my newfound social anxiety, but even with all that i'm just... persistently in emotional pain that i don't know how to effectively alleviate.

i know part of it is that i'm out of work, and i know having a job will give my life more structure, but i also know that's not the whole of what's happening here. i've been out of work before and it's not affected me this badly. it's also that i'm lonely, deeply unsure of myself after making some unwise decisions and having to face so many of my flaws, grappling with my disproportionate senses of shame, anxiety, and responsibility, yearning for more purpose and autonomy than i currently have, wanting to feel like i'm contributing to something larger than myself, and anxious after going through so much chaos and repeated disruption and loss.

i'm glad my IOP demands sobriety because it's been a struggle to not use alcohol as a crutch.

fucking... life. it's been a goddamn year for sure.

[dwobbitfromtheshire]

The Perfect Jacket

Eddie's leather jacket had gotten ruined in the upside down. Did Eddie pout about it? Yes? Did Steve hate seeing him pout about it? Absolutely. Eddie and Steve were hanging out at Steve's house when Steve suddenly rushed upstairs. He came back with his letterman jacket.

"You know what would really piss people off? If you showed up to school wearing this. You can put your pins and patches on it, too. You could totally pull this off," Steve said eagerly.

God, Eddie wanted to kiss him so badly. He just grinned and took the jacket from him.

"Are you sure about this?" Eddie asked.

"Yes! Keep it!" Steve exclaimed.

"Thanks, man," Eddie said and slipped on the jacket. "How do I look?"

"I told you that you could pull it off, and you do," Steve replied cheerily.

A few days later, Eddie stumbled into Family Video wearing the jacket, and Steve cursed under his breath. Eddie waved at them as he wondered away to pick out a movie.

"Fuck, he's cute," Steve said.

"What?" Robin asked, her head snapping to look at him.

"I said, "Fuck, he's cute," Robin," Steve replied.

"Yeah, I heard you," Robin said. "But, you do know that Eddie is a guy, right?"

"No, Robin, I completely fucking missed that obvious clue," Steve bitched at her.

It was his favorite thing about his friendship with Robin. They could be as bitchy with each other as much as they wanted to and it wouldn't bother them, not one bit. Apparently, that was also Eddie's favorite thing about Steve’s friendship with Robin. They were entertaining. The Bitchamigos, Eddie called them.

"You like guys? Since when?" Robin asked.

"Since Eddie. I'm bisexual, Robin," Steve said.

"And you just accepted that?"

"Yep."

"No panic, whatsoever?"

"Nope."

"You were just like,"Oh, hey, I like Eddie. I must be bisexual. Cool." ?"

"Yep."

"That's not fair! I totally panicked when I realized I liked girls!"

"We're not the same person, Rob," Steve replied.

"What are you two gossiping about, ladies?" Eddie asked as he leaned against the counter.

"I was just letting Stevie here know that his hair looks totally awful today," Robin said, glaring at Steve.

"No, it doesn't!" Steve and Eddie exclaimed. Robin smirked at the both of them.

"Cute jacket, Eddie."

A couple of weeks later, Steve invited Eddie for a sleepover, allowing him to show Steve the Star Wars movies that Eddie had been begging him to watch. Steve couldn't say no to him. Eddie was sitting on the couch in a pair of shorts and a t shirt, hugging the letterman jacket close to his chest. Eddie was sucking on a ring less knuckle as he moved his body with the ships on the screen, making the noises as he did so. God, he couldn't believe how fucking gone he was on this huge nerd. He hadn't planned on telling him, but he couldn't help it.

"You're so fucking cute," Steve said and Eddie whipped his head to look at him, his chocolate brown eyes wide.

His hair was up in a bun, and ringlets of curls framed his face. His hair was still slightly damp from the shower he had earlier, so his hair was curlier than ever.

"Come again?" Eddie asked as he paused the movie.

"You're so fucking cute," Steve repeated.

"You think I'm cute?" Eddie asked and hid his face inside the jacket.

Steve cupped his face and tilted it so that Eddie was looking at him. He began to kiss his cheeks, his nose, and his forehead. He planted a kiss wherever there was a spot available, saving his lips for last. Eddie giggled. Finally, Steve leaned in and placed a gentle kiss to Eddie's lips.

"So fucking cute," he said, gazing at him with a look of complete adoration.

Eddie grinned, launching himself at Steve and doing the same thing to him: kissing his face before finally landing on his lips. The kiss was sweet and gentle, their lips slotting together as if they were two lost puzzle pieces finally reuniting. They laid down on the couch to finish the movies while wrapped up in each other's arms. Eddie's head was tucked under Steve’s chin as he placed a hand over his heart, their legs entertwined. Steve’s arm was wrapped around Eddie's jacket clad back.. His hand slipped underneath the jacket and his shirt to run circles in the small of Eddie's back. Eddie let out a sigh of contentment. Perfect.

[buckybarnesss]

Newer fans latching onto Theo is, like, kind of baffling to me, because the moment I saw him I was like, "This is a low-rent, generic version of season 1 Derek."

And that thought just never went away.

Admittedly, I don't like any of the new characters except for Liam (even though he is just Jackson-lite.) Mason is Diet Danny. Hayden, the white boys I can't remember (there are like three or four characters I could not pick out of a line-up if you put a gun to my fucking head), and Theo's pack are just... they're okay, but I have no opinions on them whatsoever.

I famously do not like Malia, and I'd rather watch Malia struggle with her homework than watch the baby wolves. To this day, I have not seen all of season 6A and my interest in 6B ends and begins with "Oh, Derek's back!!"

apparently it's a bit controversial to say theo was purposefully presented by the narrative to be a derek mirror.

derek's absence in season 5 is a vacuum. he was such a huge, significant part of the narrative that his absence is a black hole. like, there was a purpose to scott bringing derek up to stiles and for stiles's to get all gooey at seeing the initials DH at senior scribe.

it set up how stiles and scott are coping with derek's absence.

scott is trying but he didn't realize how much he learned from derek, how much he leaned on derek's knowledge and experience and how for granted he took derek's presence. which is realistic to their relationship.

stiles is straight up Not Dealing With It and it's Going Badly.

teen wolf loves, loves, loves to reference, reframe and repeat it's own narrative. the issue stiles and scott have with theo is exactly their whole difference of opinion about derek from s1-2 but in a shorter time frame.

theo is exactly what scott thought derek was early on: a lying, power hungry sister-killer. but scott was wrong about derek and in trying to course correct that error he is wrong about theo.

the other function theo performs narratively in season 5 is being a dark stiles mirror.

both stiles and scott in both season 5 and 6a are scared of change. they are scared of their relationships changing. their rapidly approaching adulthood is scary.

the nogitsune changed stiles and it's something neither scott or stiles have really confronted. theo is obsessed with void stiles and prods at that trauma for stiles while he presents himself as scott's long-lost bestie tapping into scott's fears about stiles and the longing for the friendship they had before all this started.

theo's doing a lot of things in season 5 tbh. he's got so many assignments lol.

theo's pack is just kind of there because for theo they were merely a means to an end. the only ones that mattered in the end were hayden and corey.

i do like corey when he's around and hayden was just wasted in my opinion.

(bonus: i once mentioned that liam and mason were jackson and danny but like three spaces to the left on the subreddit and people were very confused by that and i was like "....do other people not see this?" jeff notoriously keeps throwing spaghetti at the wall till it sticks)

[meowzilla93]

this is a rant, vent, jumble of words im feeling and need to get it out of my system because im a little done

please scroll along if you dont wanna read, or dont, i dont control you

it never ceases to amaze me just how cruel people in fandoms can be. cruel, mean, hyprocritical, straight up dumb.

dont get me wrong, these people are a minority. i have found myself amongst the best sort of people in fandoms i am a part of and couldnt be happier for the friendships i have made from them.

but this incredibly loud minority piss me off to no end. i stay away from any sort of discourse, silently watching from the background and watch thing blow up over trivial matters, and then learn who to avoid in those circles and move on with my life

but when i see, what i consider to be blatant bullying, to someone i hold dear, i dont want to be quiet anymore. im not a loud figure, im a tiny blog that loves to simp over 2d characters, a tiny stream channel that i interact with like minded people. and i mean i am TINY, im barely a blip on this wide web. so anything i say, it doesnt go anywhere, so still, i stay silent until i cant anymore.

so lets get to the crux of the matter.

if you dont like a character, you dont get to make others feel bad about liking them. i dont care if you think they are problematic, if you dont like their story, their look, or simply the fact that they exist

you dont get to make someone feel bad for finding a connection with them and loving them

you dont get to attack them about liking the character, passively or aggressively, you dont get to make fun of them and any of the work they do around them. you have no right to take it upon yourself and make someone feel like they dont belong just because they like a character that you dont

if you dont like the character, dont fucking interact, its that bloody simple. scroll away. mute the tag, mute the channel, whatever. just walk away

interacting with someones content for the pure purpose to make fun of it is cruel. you are making it public that you want to demean the person for what they enjoy. and the worst thing is, if you catch the attention of the younger audience, they learn that they get to act that way, and this kind of online activity only gets worse

it already has gotten worse. man, im a millenial and i thought keyboard warriors when i was in highschool and older where bad. these days the younger generation feel justified to think that they can say whatever they want and suffer no consequences of those actions. i see it in so many fandom discourses. its horrible

but they learn from the worst of us on the internet. the more they see the cruel interactions, the more they think its okay to act that way. and without a doubt, fandoms will end up being incredibly toxic environments that people wont feel comfortable to exist in anymore.

every fandom has a toxic space, its unfortunate but it is true. i wish it wasnt

and the smaller the fandom, the louder this toxic group is

it just fucking sucks. and watching people i care about be treated so badly hurts because all i can do is be their support. an ear, a shoulder, just someone they can vent to. but it doesnt stop the fact that they got hurt and i cant do anything about it

god i dont even know what this even turned into. im tired, im upset, im just so frustrated.

why cant people just be nice?

if you managed to read all the way down here, man i applaud you. that was a great mess of thoughts, i still have many more but at this point i feel like i would be repeating myself

please, just. be kind guys. its not that hard, i swear it

to all my moots, honestly, i love you guys. seeing all your work and love you put into your creations gives me life and brightens my day. dont ever stop loving your craft and your fav characters just because someone decided to be a prick.

[thephantomcasebook]

they’re saying it’s olivia and matt, i don’t particularly care for actors dating but given how nasty their fans are to each other (and how badly they want olivia to be gay and dating emma) it’ll cause more toxicity on here if it’s true, no doubt

https://x.com/cerseify/status/1822673349337895115?s=46

I mean ...

Why does anyone care?

Why do fandoms care about the actors real lives? They're actors and actresses, they're already not real people! I guarantee you, from a lot of experience, they're probably the least interesting people in the world. Their life and money is repeating things that people write for them.

Directors, Writers, Stuntmen, and Key Grips, are far more interesting conversations than actors and actresses.

The only way I care about an actor or actresses personal life is if it's effecting - negatively - the show I like.

That's why I cringe at Olivia Cooke and Emma D'Arcy's friendship in real life. Because, they're so immature and unprofessional that they can't put it away to play the characters as they should be played. They've made themselves and their relationship a focal point of HOTD when it shouldn't be.

There's a lot of stories of actors and actresses becoming incredibly close on set, sometimes so close that they become family in real life. Michelle Dockery and Laura Carmichael from "Downton Abbey" Have been so close, for so long, that they're practically sisters and their real biological sisters even hang out with each other without them. They've basically created a real life integrated family from over a decade of close friendship due to being on a television set for six years.

But when they're on "Downton Abbey" they play sisters that are sworn enemies since childhood. And you know what? Not only do they play it well, but they enjoy scheming and fighting one another on screen. They were actually disappointed when their characters buried the hatchet and became closer as sisters because they enjoyed being antagonistic to one another.

That's peak professionalism, being as close as sisters in real life, but putting it away to play enemies so well that they made the audience believe they don't get along in real life, because, they play the characters as bitter rivals so fucking authentically.

This is the difference between Michelle Dockery and Laura Carmichael acting like grown ass women in a professional setting. And Olivia Cooke and Emma D'Arcy acting like children trying to bend the story to their real life wants.

Also, I'll never understand why these fucking weirdos want Olivia Cooke and Emma D'Arcy to be gay so bad. Not only has Emma D'Arcy been in a committed relationship with the same boyfriend for over a decade, but Olivia Cooke has put up on her Instagram really thirsty and TMI posts of how much she loves penis for years.

It's fucking strange, even for this fandom.

[herehavesomeheadcanons]

Hello! Could u write headcanons for Lacus and Rene? Maybe about cuddling or how they would take care of their s/o? Let your creativity flow! Tysm!

It would seem that ONS is taking over my blog... Not that I mind. It's a fantastic series!

I fucking love Lacus and Rene. Their friendship dynamic is the absolute best- get ready for:

Kissing/Cuddling part 2: Best Bros boogaloo~

Lacus Welt

💜✨ He's basically a really lazy Ferid, honestly. Absolutely loves pda, no qualms about it. At home, prepare to be captured and snuggled for hours on end. Lacus would like nothing better than to just lay in bed all day and cuddle!

💜✨ Lacus's kisses depend on his mood. Sometimes he's slow and lazy, and other times things get more heated. Actually... A lot of times things get heated.

💜✨He is Not a gentleman in the slightest. If he wants to do something, he's going to do it. How many times must I repeat myself? Lacus is a little hedonist. He's only about 25% better than Ferid, but that’s just because he’s not creative enough to come up with ideas. As long as you don’t give him ideas, you should be ok.

💜✨ Lacus fucking loves cuddles. Vampires are cold blooded, so cuddling a warm human warms them up. And being warm feels good. Lacus likes to feel good, so, naturally, he likes cuddling. Simple arithmetic.

💜✨He has no preference for big or little spoon, but he enjoys laying on you. Part of the reason for this is to keep you from escaping. Sometimes, Lacus is the absolute laziest motherfucker in the vampire world (especially after a hard day’s work). The minute he gets home, he wants to drag you to bed (or a couch, or the floor) for cuddles. You will be stuck there for H O U R S. I’m sorry if you’re a very active person who needs to just do things all the time, but on those days the best you’re gonna get is if you *ahem* “initiate some action.”

💜✨ As for caring for you… honestly he’s a disaster. I wouldn’t trust him to keep a goldfish alive for more than a week. He has no fucking clue what he’s doing, and you’re going to have to help him A LOT. He also gets a lot of reluctant help from Rene.

Rene Simm

🖤♦️ pda? Absolutely not. He’s above such things. (He’s actually not, but he pretends he is.) Oh? What’s that i hear in the distance…? It sounds like the tsundere song! 

🖤♦️ Short, reluctant kisses, and only if you beg for them. He likes them a lot, but he’s so good at hiding it.

🖤♦️ Unlike Lacus, Rene's self-control is through the roof. It doesn't matter how badly he wants to passionately make out with you, he'll sit there and pretend he doesn't like it. If you can get him to drop his tsundere act (good luck), things will get more ✨heated✨.

🖤♦️ As for cuddling, just fucking tackle him. Literally throw yourself at him. He loves it more than life itself, but you will NEVER get him to admit it.

🖤♦️ You're usually the big spoon, but only because he pouts and sulks about being touched. It's all an act, but still. If he would get his head out of his ass, he'd love to be the big spoon.

🖤♦️ He’s definitely more responsible that Lacus, that’s for sure! Even if he’s a little aloof and distant, he still makes sure all your basic needs are met. 

[sassykinzonline]

lmk if im annoying you with my questions. 🫣

the will of fire had been originally about how love would bring peace but within the series it seems to have been twisted into a nationalist idea — maybe im wrong so i want another pov as im working on this essay rn (bc im an adhd mess who cant focus on one thing at a time).

seen with shikamaru’s arc and how he is obviously very pro-konoha. how exacrly do yoi think this idea got twisted so badly? i assume its due to tobirama and danzo tbh. but im not sure. (maybe im not explaining well)..

and also, what are your opinions on every in konoha 11 and how they treated naruto. i think theres a weird conditional acceptance they give him in shippuden but doesnt seem like true friendship. yk)

sorry for the long ask!

i'll just keep telling you i love your questions, someday you'll believe it.

ok so the will of fire: in my opinion its inception is kind of what got fucked up. if we're to believe that the sage and the myth about his kids happened in the land of fire, then thats where that starts. the sage's original mistake was the idea that because one brother had a different perspective, he could be excluded from cooperation. its objectively true that to build civilization you need to have a sense of community, but that doesnt implicitly mean that that sense of community needs to manifest in the same way. indra had that, it just wasnt necessarily his priority. they basically punished him for being an introvert (INTJ specifically) ☠️.

so basically the issue with the will of fire is that from the start it was self-defeating. if we need to "pass on" the will of fire because its about building love and community, then we should be finding ways to include everyone regardless of who they are. if theres some arbitrary point where someone is no longer "part of the group", then youre not building love and community.

thats why you end up with the warring states period, where clans are fighting for no real reason, then the founders era where ultimately hashirama doesnt do a very good job of respecting madara or the uchiha, then like you said things absolutely snowball with tobirama because hes essentially just repeating the mistake the sage made on a systemic scale rather than a personal scale like hashirama did.

i would also say that in making "the will of fire", a fairly jingoistic concept in practice, the founding principle of konoha, hashirama is to blame for the naturally occurring state of fascism konoha descended into. so thematically speaking it IS appropriate that naruto becomes hokage in boruto to "end fascism" (or whatever kishimoto thinks fascism is) because he includes EVERYONE even if theyre villains or war criminals or what have you. hes the embodiment of radical empathy. people might not like that but thats pretty much the only way to have a restorative and progressive society particularly to avoid a boomerang back into fascism to begin with.

generally speaking too, pretty much everyone in a position of power is linked to hashirama in some way because of the way succession works in konoha, so its pretty easy to spread propaganda fast and have it take its foothold across generations. your example of shikamaru being -> asuma -> hiruzen -> tobirama -> hashirama.

konoha 11: i might have a different take on this since i know these people so im gonna try to be a bit open-ended

kiba - i actually think kiba has a somewhat fair interpretation of naruto which is that hes annoying, but just another kid, but also they have the same dream so theyre "rivals". especially since they have the same personality (kinda), i think its easy to see why theres friction between them but theyre also both pretty tenderhearted people. in my opinion they have the kind of relationship most people (usually straight guys) think me and naruto have; that rough and tumble Boys Being Boys crap. in shippuden i think hes in the middle of the pack when it comes to being kind to naruto, from what i remember he seemed to be struggling more with the idea of where his allegiances should lie. the fact that he was questioning it to begin with is more than you can say for a lot of them.

hinata - mouse. wants something from naruto but at least its fairly unconditional, and based on his actual spirit. completely useless to being a straight up liability to him though. but in shippuden at a certain point she seems to be aware of that and doesnt force herself to get in his way and stuff the way sakura does.

shino - irrelevant.

ino - her relationship with naruto is pretty funny. this may be controversial but if i think theres someone who's the biggest victim of misogyny in fandom its her. shes smart, shes a good fighter, shes brave, shes kind, she has a lot of accomplishments to her name, shes talented, i could go on and on, but people think shes "unrealized" because she likes hot guys. but it isnt even like she lets that get in the way of her work like others? she just has high self-esteem? shes another person where i think she was indeed kind of mean to naruto when he was a little shit, but also was nice to him when he was nice. as in she treated him more fairly than others when she didnt have too much of a reason to. i do think though that in shippuden it becomes more clear that at the end of it all though she still subscribes to the "hero of konoha" narrative (her sudden thirst for him 😒), but she still treats naruto the same as always so its less conditional.

shikamaru - hes a bit of a user isnt he? im under the impression his father knew of naruto's lineage and THATS the reason why he encourages his son to try and get closer to him. their family are known to be smart and kind of manipulative so....theyre definitely playing chess in that regard. i think, at least, that hes pretty open about his sentiments towards naruto being largely professional, so naruto doesnt have any misconceptions about where they stand.

choji - follower but also a nice guy so hes kinda in the kiba boat of "probably wants to be genuine with naruto but struggling with how much hes allowed to do that".

sakura - shes a down low hater, an opp and a bootlicker. she exemplifies naruto's conditional acceptance. pass.

sai - hes slightly closer than kiba and choji on the "struggle" bus, where he ends up being closer to being genuine with and siding with naruto. im sure his experiences with root are what influence this. i also dont necessarily think his allegiances are to "konoha", i just think he doesnt really get whats going on so hes kind of just reacting to whats happening and deciding how it feels in that moment. hes like a telltale games character with a compass guiding the decisions he makes as he goes along.

lee - openminded, doesnt seem to have a strong creed and is focused more on being of service whoever is doing the most work. if thats naruto then hes helping naruto. if thats konoha then hes helping konoha. he has good mentorship from guy in that sense.

neji - pro naruto from jump. not even a question.

tenten - she doesnt really have anything to say does she? shes not really a political person, she likes blending in, doing her job, and collecting her weapons.

so overall i would say that theres a good amount of people at least trying to question the system and not stand in opposition of naruto, but the people beholden to the system would pose a decent threat.

[joanvisitsrome]

not a fanfic, just a little random thing i wrote

so i was dealing with some stuff ✨ and decided to write this. I don't know how this all got in my head and how i even wrote this, but enjoy? i guess? this isn't a fanfic, just something i imagined in my head.

“Why do you even talk to me?” you asked her. She showed up at your doorstep, six months after the last time the two of you had a real conversation, to which all she had to say was about how she had so many other plans, yet she came to spend time with you.

“What do you mean why? Aren’t we best friends?” she answered back, in that nonchalant way you hated. You hated how she could easily not care about anything, and forget some of the most crucial, important details. How could she forget? How she had asked you why you were how you were, and why you didn’t go the same path as her.

If only she knew that you’d give anything to be like her, for that to be who you are, and how you’d fake it if you could, but she was the one who taught you to be who you are with no regrets.

“Do best friends choose someone they barely know over someone they’ve known almost all their life?”

“I’ve known her three years. I can hang out with her if I want.”

“When do I ever see you now? Huh? We go to different schools, and you have your pretty friends, with their pretty gold jewelry, and perfect hair, and I have my friends, with their dyed hair, and baggy jeans, and obscure interests. Just admit it, you don’t like who I am now and you decided to talk to her to try and hide it a bit.” you see her eyes well up with tears. Oh, how bad you feel. But if only she had seen how hard you had been crying the night after you spent the whole day trying to rekindle something from the ashes of the friendship you now had with her.

“You know it’s not like that. You’ve always been like this. Pushing things out of proportion. Not leaving things as is, and instead, dwelling on every silly little thing you can think of.” she gets out, quietly, a small tear rolling down her face.

“You know, I was crying in the car, right next to you, and you didn’t even notice at all.” you whisper, voice breaking from incoming tears.

“There were people there. I didn’t want to cause a scene.” You make a mental list of literally everything else she could’ve done. She could’ve talked to you when you two were alone, or pulled you aside to see how you were doing. She could’ve texted you later to see how you were.

But she didn’t even notice you were missing when she was with all her other friends.

And what were you going to do? List all that to her? You would’ve sounded fucking insane.

“Alright, whatever.” you say, those thoughts racing through your head.

“You never answered my question.” she repeats. “We’re still friends, right?”

“I don’t know,” you admit, your voice raising in pitch as you pace, walking in circles, your hands in the air. “Are we still friends? Because last time I checked, you wanted nothing to do with me. You stopped saying hi to me the last few months of school we had together before we went to different schools. When I tried sitting at your lunch table, I felt like a fish out of the water, because, not once did you make an effort to include me. In fact, how about how you would just REPORT to me every stupid thing those kids would say about me. Hm? How do you think that made me feel?”

She begins to try and explain herself, but you keep going.

“I was there for you when you needed me the most. When you were too scared to talk to anyone, and they made fun of you for being so quiet, wasn’t I there for you? Didn’t I do what I thought was the best thing for you at the time? I have needed you so badly these last two years, and all you’ve done is made my situation much worse. On top of having to deal with all my problems, I had to worry if I even had a true friend in my vicinity. You know what? If I’m being honest, up until last September, from the time you decided that I wasn’t what you needed anymore, I had no one. No one at all.”

“You have to understand,” she tries to explain, “I’ve had my things too, recently.”

“And I would’ve been there for you. All I wanted was my best friend. I wanted her to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay. I didn’t want her to tell me that I couldn’t date my crush because it was against the ‘rules.’ I didn’t want you giving me looks every time I said anything that had to do with me liking girls. I would never have told you if I had known it would be this way.”

“I’m a woman of God. You know that.”

“God never had a problem with being gay.”

“Is this what this is all about? That I didn’t welcome you with open arms and give you something rainbow when you told me you were gay?”

“I just wanted you to be there.”

“Well aren’t I here now?”

“How long are you going to be here, before you go back and decide not to talk to me for another six months?” She opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

She leaves, leaving the door for you to close. You watch her drive her car out of your driveway, because, unfortunately, you do still care about her.

You still think about the perfect memories you made with her, almost every single day when you were younger.

You still wish you could work things out with her, put this all behind, but deep down, you know it’s long over.

You have your best friend, the best one you could ask for, you’re no longer alone anymore. You realize that your best friend is hundreds of times a better match for you than the girl who just left your driveway. Taking a deep breath, the millions of things you wanted to say to her off of your chest, you finally accept it.

Accept the fact that it’s with a heavy heart that you finally accept the death of the friendship with your first real best friend.

[chroniclyst]

okay. takes a deep breath. i'm no longer having an active meltdown. i may go through and clean up those posts. but here is my official statement; my apologies for the length:

the end of tisbe's and my relationship was a big fucking mess. we both did things that hurt each other very badly. i'm not going to lie and say that i was a perfect angel and faultless victim, because i wasn't. i got angry when i was hurt, i said things i shouldn't have, i should have been more compassionate. i take issue, however, with tisbe wrongfully portraying me as a manipulator and an unsafe person. i am someone who tries very hard to be kind and compassionate to people, and if i make a mistake or hurt someone, i do what i can to correct it and then work to learn from that and repeat it. i have fucked up and i will probably fuck up in the future, but i always have and always will try to be someone who improves the life of others. when tisbe broke up with me, it was after i had apologized for the things i had done and without giving me a chance to try and do better by her, when they bare minimum implied that xe would. i feel the way they seem to have talked about me does disservice to the work i am constantly putting into my own growth and towards doing my best to be good to people.

with regards to the accusation of cyberstalking: that is something that had grounds in reality. i am not proud of this. i had a friend from 8th grade to summer(?) of last year. we were not good to each other and our relationship brought out the worst in each other, and i also poured in a lot of love and effort into us. i made a twitter account with a pretend identity a bit before the final end of our friendship to eventual reveal like a teehee! it was me :)! thing, because that's the sort of (somewhat insane) thing she and i would do--that was our normal. after things ended, i used it for a while to check up on her. a bitter part of me enjoyed seeing her be lonely and upset that she had lost the friend who would have done anything for her. i had also wanted to (in the sort of want where you won't take action on it) to follow her priv with it to see what she was saying about it all. i did not do this. a month and a half or so ago, i had a late night thinking-things-through, and things finally clicked into place about my relationship with her. the way i was with her was the last vestiges of a person i haven't been in years, and i would not make the same choices now that i did then. here are the posts i made about it all: (one) (two) (three). tw in the first and second post for sui ment, and in the second for csa, cocsa, and ed ments.

i do not fault tisbe for still being upset about this and not knowing about the things i have processed there, as i have kept xem blocked since i made this account and i assume that they would not have seen the posts. that is, however, a part of why i wish people would get both sides before making a final decision, as that was a complicated and nuanced situation (even this is just the sparknotes). i have myself been a victim of cyberstalking, and it isn't something i treat lightly, including the fact that i was a perpetrator of it in the past, and i take full responsibility for my history with that. i hope that my talking about this provides some assurance that i would absolutely not do it again.

i have tried, and will continue to try, to speak about tisbe's and my breakup as honestly and kindly as possible. i haven't wanted to (and still don't) say anything that could turn people against them, and i have never wanted to drag our shared friends into something that could and should have been kept private. i think the ultimatum is something that was unfair to the people who care about us both. i am still trying to figure out how i feel about that in connection with also understanding that a person can have boundaries about what circles they are in. above all, i wish that he would take responsibility for the fact that sea didn't handle things well either--with me, with my fiance, and others. and i hope that she finds peace, and that they can grow in the future.

should anyone wish to share this post or the posts linked within it with tisbe, you have my go-ahead. i wish that that was not the singular option i had at this time for a channel of communication, but it would be nice in the future to at least have the sort of conversation that would lead to closure for us both.

[bylertruther]

hi! when did you start shipping byler? what’s your favorite moment of theirs? and what’s your favorite part about being here on byler tumblr? have a good day ❣️

hello! i hope you have a good day, too! :)

i started shipping in 2017 after watching season two! i didn't, like... actively ship-ship anything, but i did think they were super cute. i clocked how special and distinct their relationship was from their other connections with the party, especially and specifically in mike's case, and i thought there was something there. not exactly, like... explicitly romantic just yet, but "something" as in there's potential between these two characters for something big. mike was Exhibiting Behaviors in my eyes, but i felt like he wasn't mature enough yet to realize exactly what makes their relationship so special to him. additionally, i knew will was gay, but i didn't think that he had feelings for mike yet lmao (edit: i saw him as in the beginning stages of a crush / not yet at mike’s level). if you've been following me for some time then you already know this, but you can imagine the fucking whiplash i got once season three came out lmaooooo. twas brutal.

hm... this is tough. i really like the rain fight, because that and the shed scene are the true basis for byler i think. shed scene because mike confirms his relationship with will is the best thing he's ever done and the memories he tells will show that he views him as a hero that has saved them all. rain fight because i felt that was when will "realized" his feelings were unrequited and that's why he's pulled away from mike so much, and mike realized how badly he'd fucked up and it makes him go back (as much as he can) to how he was with will before and made him realize that their friendship was just as important to will, too. mike learns that will doesn't want to lose him in s3 and will learns that mike doesn't want to lose him (again) in s4 either. it's validation earned in the most painful way lmao. i also like the rink-o-mania fight, because it fascinates me how:

mike felt that will not talking to him sabotaged his day, even though his girlfriend literally just got harassed by everyone in the rink. and he's hurt because he feels like if will had just picked up the phone and talked to him then this never would've happened. bc will always tells him things! will never lies to him! and he's been trying to be better after the rain fight but in his eyes at that point it was like will gave up and now everything is shit because they're not talking anymore.

mike didn't back down from, hesitate, or flinch at the romantic connotation of will's "and us?" after he says el is his girlfriend. repeating "we're friends! we're friends." with such emphasis is so telling, too. who are you trying to convince? why did your mind go there? why are you not... idk, taken aback at all whatsoever? (and is that why you couldn't hug him and have been watching him the whole time?) these are perfectly normal and straight things to do with your boy bestie who you know doesn't like girls, who you can't touch anymore without your breath catching, and who you've been calling nonstop for six months in 80s small town indiana despite him never reaching out first. very normal, heterosexual, and platonic behavior especially when paired with the fact that you haven't ever told your girlfriend that you love her lol not even in ur letters or with valentines day cards.

mike wrote a "book of letters" to el and he says they're romantic and thus not for friends, but he only ever signed them with "from, mike" which led el to believe he doesn't love her romantically anymore. so he goes from not being able to be romantic with el anymore to then having romantically charged conversations and tension with will that entire season.. lol.

mike tells will "that's just not true" when will says he doesn't care about anything he has to say and doesn't reveal that he tried calling him all the time and even complained to dustin about the busy tone. why? why not tell him? and why not send him a letter if he never picked up? is it because then he'd find that he can say "love, mike" in his letters to will but not el's?

and i thought it was interesting how in the car he looks at will but not el, his girlfriend who again just got harassed in front of everyone and needs support lol.... and then he makes a passive aggressive comment about what she did at dinner. like, ok, mike. way to make ur feelings super clear today.

like... yeah, their tender scenes are great, but their fight scenes (and how they make up after them) are so revealing it's insane. it's also very easy to show your love when all is well, but it's so hard to show it and more impactful to witness as a viewer when it comes out in fight scenes even when they're both upset, withholding things, and hurt. mike is only ever vulnerable with will, even and perhaps especially when they fight. he does not do this with anyone else, including his own girlfriend. he treats will better every single time in every single fucking scenario lmao. so they definitely take the cake for me, because the proof is in the pudding and all that. rain fight + rink-o-mania fight solo every other byler scene 100% in my eyes.

my favorite part of byler tumblr is thankfully having found people who are very kind, funny, and intelligent and who share that with us all on these e-streets. it's always a treat to read different analyses and i love people who point out things that have been hidden in plain sight. i also LOVE the memes n shit posts! my dash consistently makes me laugh multiple times a day lol. and it's really cool to see people who are just as passionate as i can be hehe. :^)

thank u for asking! :D i'd love to hear your responses to these questions if u feel like stopping by again. <3

[levyscripts]

Since it’s Wednesday

I will probably have these fics mentioned multiple times because I bounce between fics but always have new one.

So first let’s do Critical Role: Intimate Moments with a Rogue and a Sorcerer: Part 7  (Vax’ilmore)

- The Prompt is: Softly smiling at each other from across the room. I’m excited to start that one.  The Stresses of Life For A Rogue And A Sorcerer: Part 5  (Vax’ilmore)

- Prompt: "Don't give me space. That's the last thing I want with you."

Vox Machina has fucked up a job badly. They want to hide out at Whitestone because the council will be pissed. Vax though can’t. Gilmore his partner is in Emon. So Vox Machina return and Percy declares sanctuary. Vax of course is worried about how this may affect Gilmore’s business. But he doesn’t want Gilmore far from him.

Reunited and Growing (Kidfic) (Vax’ilmore):

Six months have passed since Vox Machina defeated the Chroma Conclave. They are all reuniting in Whitestone except for Scanlan, who is still with Kaylie. Vax has been in ‘Zephrah’ with Keyleth. They broke up four months previously. Vax just didn’t want to deal with the I told you so. Well Vex and Percy are getting married and they decide to tell everyone after the wedding. Vax is holding in a secret he had learned of Vex. He’s also see Gilmore for the first time since the final battle with Thordak. Finding out what everyone else already knew. He adopted a half-elf daughter.

Can these two reunite and grow together?

Another Kid acquisition fic (Vax’ilmore):

Vax finds out their prick of a father had another kid. Of course history is repeating itself and Vax takes it upon himself to raise. He knows he needs to tell Vex. Lie to the world that he has bastard child.  He returns to Emon because that’s where he wants to be and he’s missing a certain someone.

Pike and Grog sickfic

Pike taking care of Grog

Sheith:

Ongoing Where We Belong fix-it multi chapter fic

Shiro has a daughter. That is genetically his clone. He misses his friendship with Keith. Allura is found alive and the lions are back. 

The Prince Journals

Princes diaries au (book series)

It’s Terror Time Again

Scooby-doo on zombie island au

[minasummersch]

papyrus & jasmine (but I kinda wanna change the latter part of the Q to "and would recommend to anyone" if that's alright!)

papyrus ⇢ if you put your ‘on repeat’ playlist on shuffle, what’s the first song that comes up? what do you like about it / associate it with?

I've talked about this when I last answered this question here, but I don't have an 'on repeat' playlist. I'll link a song from my 'liked videos' playlist on youtube for you instead!

I am not sure I could even begin to explain this video tbh. I really like Gilmore Girls and something about the combination of Rory with Taylor Swift songs is fucking immaculate.

And here I'll also link a song I've had on repeat over the last week for you!

This is the first full song Nino sings in the Anonymous Noise anime/manga. Something about how messy it sounds really stuck with me and I am just living for these vibes. I know rock music totally plays against the aesthetic I have going but I want so badly to one day sing this song.

jasmine ⇢ do you have a movie or book you loved but will never watch/read again? and would recommend to anyone?

Oh boy! I have a long, long list of books, movies, tv shows, anime, manga, and light novels that I toss around as recommendations to friends. I usually like to tailor my reccs based on what I know people like but since I'm not entirely sure about your tastes I'll give a few of the ones I know most poeple enjoy.

Oscar (1991): a movie with Sylvester Stalone and it's a comedy so you really can't go wrong with this

Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun: either the manga or anime, both are amazing imo and the comedy is unparalleled

Summertime Rendering: honestly the best mystery manga I've ever read and it got a boppin anime adaptation just this year, go in with as few spoilers as possible

Pandora Hearts: please read this manga, if not for the plot then just for the art because Mochizuki Jun improves so much over the course of this series and it's absolutely stunning

86 eighty-six: watch the anime and if you're feeling it read the light novel or just wait it out for a second season because this will definitely get one

2.43 Seiin Koukou Danshi Volleyball: okay so I know this is the less popular volleyball anime but I like this one more

IDOLiSH7: i love these idol boys and this is the best idol game turned anime adaptation out there I think

IDOLY PRIDE: the other really awesome idol anime, I love this more than words can say and it's just a good time all around

Ao no Exorcist: read the manga and just avoid the anime please, the manga is much better

Fruits Basket: I watched the 2019 series and I didn't know what I was getting into at all but damn it was worth it, this anime is perfect

Kaze ga Tsuyoku Fuiteiru: I clearly like a lot of sports anime lol, but nah this one is good and has like warm and fuzzy friendship vibes but an older cast so it's a bit more serious

Kono Oto Tomare: music anime about a traditional Japanese instrument with great friendship and romance, I loved this so much that I bought the CD and I will one day play it for my wedding

Ya Boy Kongming: it's got great music and is hilarious, you could not ask for more imo

The Raven Boys: this was a fun time to read, like it had friendship and romance and all that teenage angst but also treasure hunting and supernatural powers

Percy Jackson: someone has probably already recced this tbh

All Our Yesterdays: the only valid time travel novel imo

Here Lies Daniel Tate: there's murder, there's mystery, what more could you want lol

The Devil is A Part-timer: watch season 1 of the anime and if you want to continue past that hit me up because things get messy and your enjoyment will depend on which character was your fave

The Last Fallen Star: a korean mythology middle grade novel

Into The Spiderverse: do I need to say more lol

The Good Place: again a comedy tv show, I do love comedy

Gilmore Girls: this is honestly a fascinating study in character development and writing

Ms Marvel: as a pakistani muslim this tv show was a mood in many ways

And there you have it! A very extensive list of media for you to check out! If you want to talk more about any of these and/or want more reccs join my discord server and feel free to scream in there! I am always ready to talk about fandoms and series I love but there's not enough people around lol

Thank you for the question! Feel free to check out my other answers under the tag mina answers! on my blog!

[novadreii]

Your attitude and words give me strength! You're tough as nails babe. Any tips for getting over a breakup quickly ?

aw i'm glad! this is partly why i keep this messy online diary going strong lol

you didn't mention how far out you were from it/the circumstances, but some general stuff i personally did would be (for a non-amicable breakup where i was emotionally abused, constantly lied to and generally neglected for the last 6 months of the relationship):

therapy if accessible, but you don't need this to heal. i just had enough issues to where this breakup was the tip of the iceberg lol, and i really needed the guidance to point out all of the broken ways i think.

realize that this person's treatment of you (if it was bad) had nothing to do with your worth as a person. same if it was just simple incompatibility with no mistreatment; incompatibility is neutral. how someone treats you is ONLY a reflection of who they are as a person. repeat this messaging to yourself no matter how fake it feels. it will sink in over time. it's not your fault. you never deserve to be treat poorly.

you'll see a lot of "forgive them...for yourself." messaging. fuck that lmao. you don't have to forgive anyone. certainly not anyone who isn't sorry. your resentment/anger at being fucked over comes from a place inside of you that loves you and is protective of you. honor it. it will subside when it subsides. mine ebbs and flows a lot and i just let it. that pacifistic/manipulative narrative of "anger is poison" is bullshit. it's an integral part of healing and denying yourself the right to be mad that you were treated badly is self-betrayal.

LET YOURSELF FEEL. i cannot stress enough that fighting your feelings, or trying to dissociate from them with drugs/food/alcohol/sex will only delay this process. feelings you do not allow yourself to process get stuck and manifest in other ways you won't be able to make an association to. they don't just evaporate. cry when you wanna cry, rage when you wanna rage. keep an outlet and use it often (for me it's my blog and a paper journal).

contrary to the above, balance feeling your feelings with self-care, friendships, and trying new things! it helps to keep your mind from ruminating. you want to feel for an appropriate amount of time, but not ruminate, you know? i learned that rumination is actually a form of dissociation from your feelings and delays healing.

go no contact. personally, i never stay friends with my exes, because it keeps me stuck in the past. possibly the single most useful tool when evaluating if someone is good for you or not. you cannot continue to associate with someone who treats you like shit if you are still attached to them. they will fully take advantage of that. attachment does not equal love, so you need time to let the attachment fade so you can clearly reflect on what kind of person they are. you will be amazed at the kind of clarity you get once you let the fog of attachment fade. things that never occurred to you before just become...obvious. painfully so. the ways in which you were excusing their behavior come to light. this is so necessary.

do not break no contact for anything ever. seriously. that is giving your power away to them, again. instead of reaching out to them, journal what you wish you could say. my personal favorite is to replay all of the worst memories of how they treated me like an awful mental movie, of how i basically cried for 6 months straight, each and every time they looked at me with cold, empty eyes and knowingly hurt me when i was doing my very best. don't do this too often because it's not great to dwell and cause yourself pain, only use this technique when you mistakenly feel like you miss them. you miss who you thought they were, not the real them.

don't rush into dating new people. you will know when you are ready vs. when you are doing it to show up your ex/cope/distract yourself. people are not playthings or coping mechanisms. you WILL attract someone similar again unless you heal.

take up EFT tapping (brad yates is the definitive source for me) this helped me reprogram subconscious beliefs about myself (how i always attract people who hurt/abandon me, feelings of worthlessness etc). it feels silly and fake at first but i stg, this shit is like magic.

all of this culminates to realizing that nobody can give you the love and care you can and MUST give to yourself! this relationship has made me a proponent of the belief that it's hard to find fulfilling romantic relationships unless you love yourself first. you will attract people on the same vibration as you, so if you have healing to do you will also attract damaged people who cannot love you the way you need. love and respect yourself truly, deeply, and wholly. not only will it feel amazing to finally be on your own side, but you will attract people who treat you like the queen/king you are. it will also make you a better partner to them.

these are the major things that helped me. I'm 5 months out and feel like.....85% of the way there? i still struggle with anger but like i said, i honor and don't repress that side of me. the goal is not to move through this quickly, but to surrender to however long it takes to process this. ironically, that IS the way to move through it as quickly as possible.

you WILL heal, you WILL love and be loved again. don't let bad experiences taint and sour your view of people. there are good, kind people who can't wait to meet you out there. when you truly love yourself, you will not settle for anyone who doesn't match that level of self-love. you won't even contemplate overstaying your welcome with abusive, low-effort partners. take every failed relationship as a learning experience and you never really lose. <3

[0303003]

dec 12 2023

i accidentally gave myself a paper cut just a couple minutes ago :/ i was going to finish my design project in the library but im just sitting here not doing much. i checked out a book called sweet bean paste by durian sukegawa and i haven't finished it even though im going home on thursday. not too much of an issue because i read kinda fast. im staring at the book right now. my stomach keeps growling and it's so embarassing wahhh

sometimes i look back on my life (im literally only 20 so there's not much to look back on lmao but still...) but i randomly remembered how my first dream career was to be a writer. and then i wanted to be a teacher. and then i wanted to be a pharmacist. and then i wanted to be a nasa astronomer (jeez). and then i finally decided on graphic design. and then i wanted to be a lawyer during my second year of college because i was scared i wasn't going to succeed in graphic design and needed a "backup plan" (JEEZ). im technically a design and econ double major right now and i need to get rid of the second major. as of right now, im going to minor in asian american studies + tech management (idk).

my therapist told me that oftentimes our actions reflect on what we feel at the moment. i was anxious and worried about my future last school year and felt that if i packed in a lot of shit, it would ease my unsureness. i was doing a lot because i felt a whole lot. and im the type of person to be like "well! doing something is better than doing nothing and complaining about it!" which i still believe. however, i also learned that doing nothing at all is also an effective course of action. going to therapy gave me insight on my actions and thought processes. it helped me understand myself a bit better. i took a small break but i think going back for the next year might do me some good.

november was probably one of the most difficult months for me. i initially intended everything to be just a friendship break but after opening up (for the first time) to my friends and roomies what ive been through my entire life; id decided to just walk away from it. im no longer friends with my cousin and i cut her off. i hate her but i still slightly care for her because she's my family. i have a 4th house stellium so it kinda makes sense i guess. i prioritize family and that's why she stayed in my life for so long.

during that break, id decided to end our friendship and spent the month grieving. (ok random: i had to fart so bad i had to leave the library so now im at sage st cafe typing this... call me little miss farty i guess. continuing on...) it was my first breakup ever. i've never lost friends or dated (ill touch subject on this later). like out of all people and things, how badly did you have to fuck up for your cousin to end the friendship yk? knowing myself, heightened emotions go hand in hand with my actions. i didn't want to repeat my second year where i just loaded shit onto myself just to cope. but i also didn't want to cry about it too much because i was the one who left. i left because i was hurt. and if i was so upset about it afterwards, it was like damn! might as well have stayed in that fuck ass friendship if i was still going to be miserable.

my best course of action: doing nothing. i did absolutely nothing. i didn't talk to my cousin. i softblocked her on everything. i removed her location. i just didn't want to deal with her. i just walked around the arboretum everyday and just reflected on our entire friendship. i was sad (i'm still sad) and i couldn't do schoolwork. my brain was just foggy. going to class was difficult even though im taking only 12 units this quarter. i knew i shouldn't force myself too hard. school is not that serious. i just wanted time for myself and let myself process what has happened. i skipped class and couldn't work on assignments. i still ended up finishing up my assignments but i turned them in late. i told myself that turning in things late is a lot better than not turning anything at all. it was hard for me to even get up from bed but i had to tell myself that my cousin made me so fucking miserable the past 20 years of my life. failing class felt like i was allowing her to continue to make me miserable even though i was the one who left. i don't need her in my life and i made sure to not fall too far behind in my studies. i don't give up.

i wasn't trying to do well in class to "prove" to her that i don't need her in my life. hopefully what im trying to say doesn't imply that. i have nothing to prove to her. i don't need to surpass her in anything because i already am. i just don't want to fail class because of a breakup and then blame it on a breakup when i know i could've tried to overcome those challenges. i blame things on my actions not on my circumstances.

i spent the month writing a lengthy goodbye letter to her. it helped me release some internalized feelings. i could've written 100+ pages if i truly wanted but i just wanted everything to be over. i was tired of her. i was tired of feeling hurt. plus, i don't think her attention span can last long enough to be reading 100+ pages.

if she had anything to say to me, i wouldn't have known. i ended up just blocking her and i told her i was going to do that. she has done so many things that have hurt me and this year especially. i wrote in the document that i wasn't going to publicly talk about it (and im technically not doing that. im just venting on my blog... whoever reads it, reads it) but honestly, it's my business. if i want to talk about it, i have every right to. i was the one getting bullied my entire life by her. i have no need to defend her because she hurt me. she was the one who cancelled on my 20th birthday after i'd driven two hours to sj at night. she was the one who made me buy her anniversary envelopes for her boyfriend. she didn't even pay for my birthday gift--she had her boyfriend pay for it. she was the one who weaponized racism to bully back a girl who bullied her in elementary school. she was the one who aired my business to a new friend i just met and knowingly talked about a man who'd made me uncomfortable (ended up getting it resolved so me and him are good now). i had to talk about myself in the third person (in the letter) because she struggles with empathy.