#what can I say I am an angsty person and one dying in the other's arms is a fave of mine

[martianbugsbunny]

"What would you do if I was dying? Hold me and let me die in your arms or just let me lay there and bleed?"

[writingbyshiloh]

Third Time's the Charm

Request: Hii,if your request are still open can i request something for Gen V?Can you write something where Jordan and fem reader are childhood best friends and Jordan had always been in love with her but they feel insecure because they don’t know if reader will like them in both forms romantically?So when,in ep 3,Jordan dad goes like “Y/n and Jordan will be husband and wife” reader goes “Maybe we will be wife and wife”because she loves Jordan just like they are?

AN: Reader wants to be the first supe president (just to explain why they’re at the gala), I changed the timeline of the ep a tiny bit. I have another request about meeting Jordan's parents but that one might be more angsty.

CW: fem!reader, kissing, no beta, Jordan's parents are just their warning. The start is all flashbacks so I may have slipped on the tense a few times, no beta

WC: 2.0K

Jordan Li was your first kiss. Twice. The first time was in kindergarten, when they tried to kiss you and you smacked them with your Queen Mauve lunch box. Your second first kiss (the one you consider your actual first kiss) was done by you while playing truth or dare at 14. After picking a dare, you were asked to kiss the best-looking guy in the group. You shrugged and picked your best friend - Jordan. 

At age six, they were there when you broke your ankle trying to see if you could fly (you couldn’t). When you did get powers, they were the first person you told.

When Jordan came out to you as bigender, you did an internet deep-dive, trying to understand as much as possible.

Jordan listened to every interaction you had with your high school crush while quietly dying inside, wanting you to be happy. When your high school boyfriend cheated on you and then dumped you for the girl he cheated with, Jordan was there, ready to sink hours into their Xbox to keep you distracted.

The worst week of your life was when you didn't speak to Jordan for 9 whole days. You got into a petty argument where you called them self-absorbed and they called you clingy. The fight snowballed into yelling arguments and ended with you receiving a cold shoulder from Jordan. 

When Jordan got their wisdom teeth removed, you camped out in their room, snuggled under their duvet with them to watch Property Brothers for two days straight. You even made sure they took their painkillers on time and used ice packs.

Every fight with their parents, you were outside in your car ready to pick up Jordan to stay with you. Once you showed up at their house at 6:03 am, eyes blurry with sleep and still in pyjamas. Jordan was crying, bob haircut looked messy from sleep. You drove them to Vought-A-Burger, still half asleep and ate greasy breakfast sandwiches in your car until Jordan stopped crying. 

Jordan was even your date to prom, taking photos with you in their masculine form to get their parents off their back. Once their parents were happy, you snuck them back to yours, where you stashed their prom dress. 

You both even applied to God U together. Too nervous to check your acceptance, Jordan checked yours and you checked theirs. Sitting across from each other on your bed you both log in before giving the laptops to each other.

“Okay, three, two, one…” you counted down, opening Jordan’s laptop. Your eyes scanned for any promising words like congratulations, or welcome. "Accepted" was the first word your eyes caught but you need to fuck with them.

“Jord… I’m so sorry.” You start. Their face falls, and you feel like a dick for doing this. But the opportunity is too good to pass up. “That you believed me! Because you got in!”

They lunged across your bed to see what the screen says. You saw Jordan's eyes scan the same letter you just read, picking out the same words. 

“You’re such an asshole!” they told you, rolling their eyes, gently hitting your arm with the back of their hand

You’ve never been shy about showering Jordan with compliments. Saved in screenshots never to see the light of day, Jordan has kept some of them. 

You: OMG!!! Jordan you’re so pretty. I’m so lucky to call you my friend. 

You: You’re so handsome!!! I love your hair slicked back! If she doesn’t agree you need to drop her. 

You: ur a solid 9/10. Lost a point for not giving me a sip of your drink yesterday lol

Jordan Li has been in love with you since age 16. Probably earlier, if they want to admit that to themselves. You’ve only ever expressed interest in men so they kept their feelings to themselves, not wanting to make you uncomfortable, figuring it was better to have you as a friend only than not at all. 

In your first year, you were even roommates. While Jordan flourished in crim, you bounced between majors before settling into politics.

Every time you brought some frat guy to your shared dorm, Jordan died inside. Trying to get over their long-standing crush, Jordan did the same.

When Jordan made number 2 on the top five, you celebrate with them. Maybe a bit too hard that night.

You were there when their ranking dropped after the death of Brink. A man you only met twice, but you would do anything for Jordan. Especially given how hard you fell for both versions of them last year.

“I’m going to try to tag team with your dad, get some points for you and keep him engaged, yeah?” You ask over your shocker. Jordan is behind you, ready to help with zipper duty for your dress.

“You don’t have to.”

You let out a small scoff. “Dude. I’m doing poli supe. Schmoozing with rich people is like half our courses. Zip me up please.”

“How long have you known Jordan? You seem to be a good couple.” The man you and Jordan's dad suckered into a conversation asks. He's sitting beside Jordan's parents, while you and Jordan are on the edge of some fancy pit or table. 

“Well, these two have known each other pretty well over the years. Jordan tried to kiss her when they were kids, and she hit him with her Black Noir lunch box.”

“It was a Queen Mauve lunch box, actually.” You say with a laugh.

“And she called him ‘Jojo’ for probably the next two years out of spite.” Kayla laughs. It's a special embarrassment when your parents tell stories about your childhood. All the stories are about you but it's been so long ago you can’t remember any of it. Jordan looks worse off, slouchy posture against the banister, while you sit next to him. Part of you wants to tell him to sit up straight, but you figure you can play the grief angle better this way. 

“Oh, and remember when Jordan got his wisdom teeth out? You guys were inseparable. I think I still have the photo of you two passed out watching TV!” Kayla gushes, reaching for her phone to find the photo.

“We all thought you two would be president and First Gentleman.” Dad insists. Your smile is fake and tight, knowing if Paul pulls out prom photos, you would have to quietly fling yourself out of a window. 

Maybe you drank a bit too much liquid courage. Maybe the tension between them and their parents was getting to you. To give Jordan some space, you took their parents for a tour of your classes, knowing they’ll be talking to your family when they go back to Rochester.

Jordan shifting doesn’t even cause you to raise an eyebrow, the subtle sound just blurs into the background.

“Or president and First Lady.” You blurt out, four pairs of eyes darting towards you. “First supes in the Whitehouse? It would be political dynamite.”

“You like this version of Jordan?” Dad asks with bewilderment.

“Of course. I like Jordan because of how smart and driven they are. I like Jordan because of their weird sense of humour. It doesn’t matter what they look like.” you say, trying to prove it to their parents, but also to them. You’ve picked up on their crush many times, too kind to say something that would embarrass them or hurt them. It’s only recently how much you found yourself staring at fem Jordan and wanting to kiss her too. 

“I’m going to go and mingle some more.” says the man, Brad or Rob maybe. You forgot his name right after you met him. His words are like a bucket of cold water was dumped over you. You don’t confess your feelings to Jordan just to Jordan, but in front of their judgy parents, and a possible donner. You need to go. 

You stand and straighten out your dress. 

“I’m going to go too. Other donors to talk to. Go Jordan!" You finish with an awkward laugh and even more cringy go team! gesture by yourself. 

You didn't lie to Jordan and their parents. You did go and talk to other donors but it twists your stomach every time you bring up how amazing their grades are, or how skillful they are at fighting. After donor number three gives you an answer that technically was “we’ll see” but heavily implied to be "yes for Jordan” you went to hide in the bathroom. You have enough battery left on your V-phone to keep it going for most of the night. Tomorrow you can talk to Jordan and hope you don’t fuck it all up. 

You barely look up when the door opens, already have done too much for the day to care who it is. 

‘Hey, can we talk?” You snap to attention at the voice. Of course, you know that voice. It's Jordan, still feminine presenting. 

“Fuck, Jord, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have spring that on you. I promise I’ll just go back and try to get you some votes, you’re going through a lot.” You say, in a rush to get the words out, desperate not to fuck up you’re friendship. The rim of the sink is hard against your back but you can’t help but shrink into it. 

“Did you mean it?” They ask, still keeping a distance from you.

“Yeah, of course, I don’t want to ruin this friendship.”

“No, what you said in front of my parents.” 

Oh right. Your confession. Fuck. It's already out there, might as well keep it going. 

“I may, uh-” you curse yourself for leaving your drink outside the bathroom, wanting something in your hands to stall. “-have a crush. On you. My best friend.” You twist your hands together, wishing Jordan didn’t look so pretty. If your heart beats any faster you may go into cardiac arrest. 

It's Jordan that indicates your third first kiss. It's gentle, and fast, like the second one. She pulls back quickly, but you run your fingers through her hair and pull her closer. The intensity from the first first kiss is still there, only this time you both share it. Her hand smooths up to your face, thumb stroking your cheek in a silent invitation to open your mouth. You comply, and tilt your head into her palm. Her tongue sweeps into your mouth and you can taste the champagne they were drinking. 

The sound of the door opening makes you both jump.

“Stall?” You ask, voice low and hushed. You squirm out from where she has you between the sink and her. You push the door open to the nicest-looking stall, desperate to keep kissing Jordan. They follow your lead eagerly, one hand wrapped around your shoulder to keep you near. 

Dipping their head, they softly kiss your jaw before moving onto your neck. You silently thank the other two women arguing in the bathroom so that your gasp goes unnoticed. Giving Jordan's hair a small tug, you pull them back up to you. The shit-eating grin they flash you makes you want to almost get caught again. 

Your free hand moves to their waist, trying to get as close to them as physically possible. 

You pull back slightly, wanting so desperately to get lost in the moment, but the commotion in the other stall is distracting. Plus you’re nosey.

Jordan frowns when you pull away, eyes scanning your face for something they did wrong. You shake your head and tip it over to the stall.

“The fuck?” They mouth to you, hand still around your shoulder.

You gently push Jordan against the door to give yourself space to squat down. You see two pairs of feet in the stall across the wall. You hear the voices quiet down, before the sound of someone peeing. You frown slightly, weird fetish to do at a memorial gala but you hear rumours about students into more fucked up shit. 

“We should get outta here.” You whisper to Jordan. 

“Weird place for our third first kiss.” Jordan whispers back. You reach around them to unlock the stall door. Third first kiss. You replay the words in your head, a warm feeling blooming in your chest. 

You gently push them out of the stall, trying to keep your laughs quiet as you both scurry past the other couple in the stall. 

[sansaorgana]

Hello love! I simply adore your writing and I was wondering if I could get a Gale Cleven x reader who's dealing with infertility? Probably something angsty? If not, that's totally fine. I'm just having a bit of a rough day :/

hi, sweetheart! 🥺 I'm sorry that you're having a rough day... I am trying to write these stories chronologically but I decided to write this one today so you don't have to wait too long 😊 btw I know that we treat Buck as a fictional character here but as far as I am concerned, real Buck Cleven never had children – at least I've never seen them mentioned anywhere like Bucky's daughters or Crosby's kids 🤔

my inbox is open for blurb/short fic requests for major cleven 🤗

You didn’t want to go there at all but you knew that you should leave the house finally for your own mental health. Buck was looking worried about you, too, and you wanted to show him that you were slowly getting better after your last miscarriage. But the truth was that some part of you was dying with each one of them.

For the first time it had been sad but not devastating yet – it was common to happen after all. Second time had started to make you worry. Third and fourth had only been a confirmation of your fear – you wouldn’t give your husband a child and you wouldn’t become a mother unless someone comes up with a magical cure.

Your best friend Eva was the only person who had known about it and she was as worried as Buck was. When one of your and Eva’s friends, Nancy, had decided to throw a tea party, Eva insisted on taking you there. So you dressed up and let her take you in her car as Buck watched from the window with a faint smile.

Eva was an independent woman. After her husband’s death in the war she decided not to marry again. She got her own car and managed most things on her own. She was a wild and free spirit and she never wanted to have children so as much as you appreciated her effort to help you – you knew that she would never fully understand your struggle.

The tea party took place at Nancy’s house. There were a few other women and you all sat by the table and sipped on the warm beverage from the china set Nancy had gotten for her wedding. She looked excited and her eyes were sparkling all the time as she was smiling widely. Eventually, you found out the reason behind that.

“So, I wanted you all to come here because… Because I have something to tell you, girls,” she giggled and all the women looked at her, curiously.

You felt a knot forming in your stomach. You already felt what it was.

“I’m pregnant!” She announced and everyone cheered. You did too, forcing a smile. Eva’s hand found yours under the table and squeezed yours to show you a silent support.

You felt tears forming in the corners of your eyes. You got angry at Eva for convincing you to come here but it wasn’t her fault after all, she couldn’t know… You looked around and realised that all other women in the room had children already or were pregnant. Except for you and Eva but she didn’t count since she didn’t want to become a mother anyway.

But the worst hadn’t happened yet.

“Now it’s (Y/N)’s turn,” Nancy smiled at you and you put the cup down with a shaky hand.

“Stop pushing her,” Eva reacted immediately.

“Don’t be like this, Eva. You hope she will never be a mother so you won’t be alone in this,” Nancy’s sister, Hannah, snapped at her.

“We don’t really think about having children, Buck and I,” you smiled nervously and the women looked at each other.

“My husband didn’t want them either but I convinced him,” Janis grinned at you, thinking that her words were in any way helpful.

“We just don’t…” you started and your voice broke. Eva jumped in the conversation quickly.

“Stop pushing her!” She insisted angrily.

“I’m only saying, he can wait but she cannot,” Nancy shrugged her arms.

You didn’t want to make a scene and leave after that so you only pretended to be more interested with the piece of cake on your plate although swallowing it was extremely difficult with a gulp in your throat. You waited about half an hour before nodding at Eva discreetly.

“It’s time for us,” she stood up and grabbed her purse. “I promised Buck to take her back home by eight.”

“These officers, they are all about discipline,” you chuckled while excusing yourself and picked your purse up as well. “Can’t have my Major waiting too long.”

You left the house as fast as possible and waited for Eva by her car.

“I’m sorry, darling,” she told you when she finally joined you. “I had no idea.”

“Let’s not… Let’s not talk about it, alright?” You sniffed back the tears and she nodded, furrowing her eyebrows at you but respecting your wish to stay silent.

In fact, you both remained silent for the whole ride home and she only kissed your cheek when she parked by your lawn and you jumped out of the car to go back inside and hide from the world.

Buck was in the living room, crouching down next to the TV set with a screwdriver in his hand as he worked on some adjustments. You smiled through the tears and leaned on the wall, shyly.

“You’re back already?” He mumbled without looking up.

“Yeah, it was no fun,” you answered. “What are you on about again, Buck?”

“The signal keeps being bad, I can fix that, I think,” he explained.

“Just don’t hurt yourself and, most importantly, don’t break the TV,” you sighed, trying to be in a playful and teasing mood but it was difficult, especially while seeing him – the man you loved… whom you couldn’t give a child.

You burst into tears all of sudden and Buck looked up, worryingly.

“Hey, baby, what’s wrong?” He put the screwdriver down and approached you as quickly as possible to put his hands on your shoulders.

“Nancy… She… She’s pregnant,” you told him and he sighed before pulling you closer and pressing your face to his chest.

“I’m sorry, darling…” He rubbed your back, not knowing what to say.

“And she asked about us not having a baby of our own…” You tugged on his shirt.

“That is none of that woman’s business why we don’t have a baby of our own,” you heard Buck’s voice getting more stern and angry.

“I know… I told her we don’t want babies… I didn’t know what else to say…” You explained.

“It’s alright,” he shushed you and kissed the top of your head.

“No, it’s not…” You looked up with your wet eyes and makeup running down your face. You could see the pain on his face from witnessing you this way and you hated to bring him sadness, too, but you couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. “She said you have time but I am running out of it.”

Buck’s jaw clenched at the words. He hated when anyone was hurting you either with words or actions – no matter if it was a man or woman.

“Nancy’s never been a bright girl, you know that, baby?” He cupped your wet cheeks and leaned in closer to your face. You nodded, unsurely. “Girls like her only care about keeping a husband at home and showing off in town.”

“But I care about keeping a husband, too,” you gasped.

Buck sighed and shook his head, looking for the right words.

“Come here, baby,” he lowered his hands to hold yours as he led you on the sofa and sat you on his lap. You threw your arms around his neck and he pulled you closer by your hip and thigh. “How many times do I have to tell you, sweetheart, that you’re all I want? Only you,” he pecked your lips softly. “You make me the happiest already. Having a baby with you would be only an addition, it’s already perfect the way it is. If we have a baby, I’ll be happy. But if we don’t, I’ll be just as much satisfied,” he explained to you. “And I won’t let anyone say bad things about my beautiful and wonderful wife.”

“Buck…” Your lower lips trembled. “It brings me comfort to know you don’t really care about it but…”

“It’s not that I don’t care. Don’t say that,” he interrupted you. “I care.”

“I know, I’m sorry… But I want this baby. I want to have a baby with you more than anything in the world. I am glad you’ll be as happy without it but I don’t think I will be…” You looked down, ashamed of your confession.

Buck stayed silent for a while, caressing you and keeping you close as he rested his chin on your head and sighed.

“I know, my sweet girl, you just want a baby to love and take care of, right?”

“Yes…” You nodded. “And… And I hate how jealous I get when I see other women with babies or being pregnant. It brings the worst out of me and I don’t like this version of me.”

“Shh, hey, love, there are lots of babies out there who want a mummy to love them and take care of them just as much, you know?” He asked in a soft whisper and you looked up at him.

“What are you suggesting? That we should adopt?” You raised an eyebrow at him.

“Only if you want to,” he nodded and raised his hand to caress your head gently. “I want you to be happy, darling. That’s all I want, nothing else. I hate to see you so sad all the time,” he confessed and smiled sadly.

“It would be lovely to adopt a baby but I’m scared it won’t be the same… Because I want to have your baby, Gale… Ours,” you fixed yourself.

“You know that I’d do everything to make your dream come true, I really would. But some things… They’re just impossible to happen sometimes, you know that, baby?” Buck kissed your forehead. “We can keep trying and trying but it kills me to see you getting even sadder each time it happens.”

You only hummed to yourself and squeezed him tighter. A decision to adopt a baby couldn’t be made in the heat of the moment, you had to think about it more thoroughly. But your husband had a point. You also hated to make him worried so much about you and the fact that he himself would be as happy without having a child with you was bringing you lots of comfort. It would be way worse if he wanted this baby more than anything else.

“I have to heal after the recent loss first,” you whispered to him after a while, “and then we’ll talk about it again, how about that?”

“Sounds about right,” Buck caressed your cheeks with his thumbs and leaned in to place a soft kiss on your lips.

MASTERLIST || BUCK MASTERLIST

[captainn-hook]

Character analysis on Prince Sidon (BOTW vs TOTK)

One thing I love about totk is how the game addresses Sidon’s trauma.

In botw you see how desperate he is for his father’s approval, it’s like Mipha set an impossible standard for dying not only for her domain and her people but for the whole kingdom of Hyrule. In their father’s eyes, she’s the perfect child, not only in personality but also in the way she’s honoured her family. Sidon sees how his father thinks of her, and although the king doesn’t do it consciously, he always put her on an impossibly high pedestal, and Sidon grew up believing that he HAD to meet that expectation, and that he would never, no matter how hard he tried.

When Link tames Vah Ruta and they both go to see the king, he tells his son:

“As your father, I am proud of you for fighting the Divine Beast alongside Link. You have grown much recently. I know you will be a worthy heir when your time comes.”

Then Sidon bows his head, as if he’s overcome with emotions because his dad tells him he’s proud of what he’s accomplished. King Dorephan isn’t a bad guy, don’t get me wrong, but the grief of losing his daughter (in this case, he thought she went missing and had been in the DB for 100 years, he didn’t know she died) made him sort of lose sight of Sidon’s achievements in those 100 years because he was so racked with worry and guilt. So although the king isn’t a bad father, he fails to reassure his son that he doesn’t need to do anything to make him proud (even though Sidon had definitely done stuff to make his dad proud over the years).

(Btw im pretty sure tripple digits in age is considered teens or early adulthood for Zora, so he’s still pretty young, I imagine around Link’s age if he were Hylian)

But that’s about all we get in botw.

So now we move on to totk. And oh boy do we get a load of Sidon angst. Some people might disagree with me but having read between the lines of what Lady Yona talked about (and just WHAT she actually said) in the first half of the water temple quest (before we find it, when we’re up in Mipha court), it really is angsty.

She’s aware of the fact that his sister’s death affected him a lot and still does despite knowing that her spirit moved on, and it (at this point) has started to affect their relationship.

Yona and Sidon have a disagreement before/after the battle with the Sludge Like, where they argue about him going with Link to this pillar of light that has suddenly appeared. It starts with Sidon saying: “Lady Yona! It is far too dangerous for you to be here” in reference to the sludge, but she has none of that.

She tells him that she wants him to go to the pillar with Link, and that: “For a long time, I have been concerned that you are holding yourself back and not acting as freely as I would have expected.” This has some credit because it’s mentioned somewhere how they were both childhood friends, and the Zora live long lives so it’s safe to assume their childhood is prolonged, which means that they’ve known each other for a very long time. Yona knows how he acts and behaves, his mannerisms and his fears, and that’s why she wants to push him to face them.

She tells him that if he goes with Link they’ll be able to overcome this problem, but he hesitates. She notices, asking him what is troubling him, and he hesitates again to speak what’s on his mind. This is when the Sludge Like comes in, and after the battle, the conversation continues.

Sidon hurries back to Yona and says: “Thank goodness. Lady Yona, if something had happened to you... I...” and there’s where it becomes clear just how terrified he is of losing her. He doesn’t finish the sentence, though, he changes the subject and tells her that she should go back to the domain in case more monsters show up. She tells him that he should focus on what Link said and that he can leave the court to them (Yona and the others that came with her). Sidon replies with: “W-well... Of course it would be best for me to accompany him. However, I cannot leave you alone in this dangerous place!” He’s ignoring what’s best and instead focusing on the safety of his betrothed, because of course he would! A monster just showed up and it took both Link and Sidon to take it down, imagine if neither of them were with her, what would happen? What would he do if she got hurt? And then the following dialogue happens (you dont need to read the whole thing, you can just skip to the bold parts):

Yona: “Did you not entrust this task to us already? We will not be on our own for long. We shall be just fine.”

Sidon: “But…”

Yona: “Sidon, my darling... I truly appreciate that you worry so for my safety. It speaks to the kindness in your heart.

But you are the prince of the Zora. One day, you will lead the people of your beloved domain.

I can see right through you, whether you want me to or not. You are yielding to the fear of losing someone you love again.

You must overcome your past and face whatever the future holds with courage.”

Sidon: “But... I...”

Yona: “Enough is enough! You are not acting like yourself! You must leave this place to me!

Sweet Sidon... Do not get lost in the past. You must keep moving ever onward. Just follow your heart, as you always do!”

Sidon: “Like my old self... Like I always do...”

Yona: “It is all right. I swear it. I am not going anywhere.”

Sidon: “I see... And there it is, clear as day... I was giving in to my fear of once more losing someone I love... I… I…

You are right, Yona! I will not give in to this fear! Nor forsake my trust in you! I leave this place to you, my love.”

[skip]

Yona: “All this time he was clinging to regret over being unable to save his precious sister, Mipha... My poor, tormented Sidon.

And to think he was unknowingly paralyzed from taking action because he feared losing me as well...

Yet he has overcome this trial and placed his faith in me. At last, the Sidon I know and love has come back to me.”

During this conversation, Sidon hesitates more than once and you can see it starting to irritate Yona because she knows the potential he doesn’t see in himself, because it’s not just fear of losing a loved one, but it’s his own insecurity from not being able to save Mipha.

He doesn’t care that he was very young and wouldn’t have been able to anyway, he just cares that he couldn’t. In his eyes, he failed to save his sister. And I’m not going to go too deep into this point but it’s clear that she was playing both older sister and mother, because we can assume their mother died a while back (she’s never mentioned and it’s just the two of them and their father even as far back as age of calamity if you want to include that).

What I’m saying is that with technically both the loss of his mother and his sister, it’s safe to assume that he feels some sort of responsibility for not being able to help, even if he was too young to do so, his disregard for the age he was at the time shows how much weight was left on his shoulders after Mipha died.

He never expected to be the heir to the throne, the sole survivor of his family (along with his dad), sure he’s a prince and princes have responsibility, but Mipha was always going to be in the spotlight (not that I’d imagine him jealous of this, it’s simply just a fact, and I think he might have actually even been comfortable with that), she was always going to be the Zora Champion and then Queen one day, so to have all of that suddenly dumped on him after the calamity as a literal kid would’ve undoubtedly had its effect on him.

Yona understands this, she tells Link, knowing he’s probably caught on, how he was “clinging to regret over being unable to save his precious sister, Mipha...”.

She has to reassure her love that she’s okay. “It is all right. I swear it. I am not going anywhere.”, she comforts him because she knows he needs it, he needs her to say it to him because that’s the only way he will believe she is in fact okay.

But his character develops. Sidon realises that in fearing for Yona, he has made her feel as if she isn’t trusted. He recognises the position he’s put them both in, him worrying relentlessly and stressing out about his loved ones because of his trauma, and her having to watch him fall down this never ending rabbit hole and being unable to do much about it because all he tries to do is shelter and protect her, even when it’s unnecessary.

But she does what she can anyway, and it pays off, because he comes back to reality and understands that although there will always be the risk of losing her, he knows that she is more than capable of taking care of herself. He knows of her strength, it was just hard for him to see the situation from her point of view. But she pushes him to do so, and he betters himself for her.

I think he’ll always have some small hint of this trauma response hidden away, but after this discussion, he’s got a firm hold on it, and is willing to control his fears for the love of his life so that they can start to build a life together without the sense of utter doom and despair over his past looming over them both.

I’m glad the writers did this, and didn’t just make them seem like this perfect couple with no issues, it shows a real and healthy relationship, and it shows that Sidon isn’t this perfect person and that he indeed has faults of his own.

That’s my take on it, anyway.

[elizakai]

UH OKAY DUST X REAPER AND/OR SWAPFELL X NIGHTMARE? AHEUUEHA

omfg i love you i’m jumping at the chance to look at dust x reaper i better see some art somewhere in this fandom OUGH ok

well, dust’s died like how many times now, lets just assume they’ve ENCOUNTERED one another yeah?

⬇️⬇️⬇️

reaper feels bad for him. he isn’t even allowed to actually die, just experience death over and over, only to be thrust back into this torturous cycle.

imagine dust dying in the hall, he’s stumbling away and he just. sees the grim reaper. and he’s like oh shit. well then. *gets thrown back whenever they decide to reset*

reaper visiting a lot because, well, he’s dying a lot, he’s probably gotta. imagine a scenario where they actually get to talk. but its so so brief, dust is never dead very long, and reaper probably shouldn’t interfere otherwise…

(he’d also, be witnessing the deaths of the aus other residence, which. interesting. wonder what they have to say about things. and what reapers response may be.)

(of course this is assuming they interact after death, which i think makes sense with common depictions of the reaper at least)

dust probably chalks him up to a vision he’s having, or hallucination, when he dies, but maybe when he’s given more time, they can have broken up conversations.

like hey, mid sentence he gets thrown back into the land of the living, but HEY! next time he dies, just pick up the convo like nothing happened. “Anyways as i was sayin-“

Another thing to think about is just how SIMILAR dust is to geno. and most of us are afterdeath junkies i think💀

like, dust and geno have VERY similar motivations and go to similar lengths (think of error even)

i think of reaper could come to respect genos desires and motives, he’d feel the same towards dust. reaper always strikes me as a really lonely person, and dust is too for obvious reasons.

i’m imagining a scenario where reaper is just. real bored of just watching. so he starts like following dust around so he can see him. and dusts like ah. cool. fucking phantom ass to add to the list. i’m imagining reaper telling him like no, i’m very real dude, and dust is like haha ok, lemme touch you then

…for obvious reasons he can’t let him touch him💀💥 but that would probably make dust assume he is in fact a hallucination. but that’s ok. he’s an ODDLY nice hallucination.

maybe he even reminds him of the river person🤷🏽‍♀️

anyways, reaper just having convo, dust finding he likes it, it’s pleasant chatter to listen to, and then he’s like damn i really am sick, why am i so attached to this weird ass hallucination

(i’m just idea dumping so hard i apologize.)

reaper would find his conviction kinda cute, if not slightly frustrating. like bro, out here denying my existence, wtf💔

i wonder, if reaper can touch him when”” when he’s in the space of death, temporarily.

that would be cool :,))

if reaper doesn’t show up for a while and comes back dust just, getting happier, he’s got someone to talk to again that isn’t a dead friend or relative he’s killed multiple times.

i imagine dust has seen “death” enough times that, in life, he can “see death” (reaper)

they gain this weird little affection for eachother ok💔 a selfish part of reaper hopes dust will always get reset…so he can come talk to him

but part of him is also disgusted by the hope that he’s able to just. be laid to rest. what can be done yk?

YOU COULD MAKE THIS SO ANGSTY WHERE LIKE the anomaly suddenly

stops!

and dust is actually on his way to wherever you’d go when you die

imagine, reaper just. guiding him away to whatever afterlife or lack thereof, carrying his soul away and having to let him go. no more coming back.

cries

or yk, we can imagine a scenario where dust gets out of the loop, and they continue to see eachother and have their weird little friendship (?)

dust is like “i’ve seen death, he’s over my shoulder as i walk, whispers in my ear as i lie awake at night. death awaits my presence, and i deaths. i’ve felt the touch of death, and it was unbearably sweet , a feeling i will forever long for”

*horror from whoever he’s speaking to*

meanwhile reaper is just like, telling stupid jokes in his ear and giggling over someone’s stupid outfit, gossiping about the other gods and making dust look crazy laughing at stupid shit

i wonder if reaper could potentially see dusts phantoms, it’s a fun idea. they aren’t REALLY there, but dusts magic is kind of projecting them i imagine, and reaper has seen them when they die. i just imagine him shooing them away for dust, and he’s like naw man pay attention to me instead *slutty little strut*

you could interpret the way death even works a million different ways and have a bunch of different potential even. what if dust were to die and reaper…DOESNT guide his soul away. what if he keeps him. maybe dust wants that. they could “be together”.

maybe there’s an afterlife, and reaper is able to cross the gap. who knows. lots of potential.

they both have hoodies >:3 idc if that doesn’t mean anything

i feel like reapers dark humor would almost comfort dust lmao, it kinda lightens the load for him. reaper can assure dust that their souls are…ok. they’re at peace.

reaper is just happy to feel so validated and seen all the sudden

he can help dust understand how life really works

ironic huh. the essence of death being the thing that gives you a will to live.

just imagine in a time he’s died, reaper not being able to help himself. he just comes in for a hug. and both of them need it so badly. when dust is alive, he CANT touch him.

they both think about that hug a lot <//3

[punk4ndisorderly]

light on

The one where Y/N is the daughter of a legendary Team USA coach and used to attend the development program with the boys. 8 years after they last saw each other in person, a reunion brings Jack and Y/N back into each other’s lives... and hearts.

if you leave the light on, i'll leave the light on

II III - america's suitehearts IV

Cole and Alex hadn’t stopped laughing since they had climbed into the car, the blond one doing the best he could to control his breathing. Y/N gave them a stern look, ignoring their jesters as she zoned out.

Thinking about it, she didn’t remember ever seeing Jack that flustered, and she had known him since they were angsty teens living and breathing hockey. What had gotten into him? He looked really good in a suit, though. If she were to be honest, he looked good in almost everything.

“Poor Rowdy, I could’ve sworn his heart stopped beating for a second.” Alex said in between breaths.

“Even I had to get it together after I took a look at Y/N's boobs in that dress. Respectfully, Junior... Damn!” Cole agreed.

“You’re all very funny, I get it. Can you stop making fun of the poor guy now? He’s clearly hurting and you’re being mean spirited.”

“What do you mean, ‘mean spirited’? Haven’t you heard of the saying 'the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else´, or something like that?”

“You did not just say that, Turc.”

“Oh, but he did, princess.” Cole chuckled, not even flinching at the sight of the death glare Y/N sent his way.

*


Inside the main gym, the prospects and their the ones tjey gave their spare tickets to were already filling up their seats at the different tables scattered across it, waiting for the alumni to arrive.

Jack was the first one to climb out of the car, unbuttoning his suit jacket and taking a minute to get over the embarrassing moment he had just experienced back in the hotel.

Walking through the door, he was left stunned yet again by the way she looked. The vivid image of Y/N Y/L/N in a red dress that was still burning in his brain did not do her justice. She walked up to him, a worried look on her face.

“Are you okay?” the doctor inquired, her beautiful eyes filled with genuine concern.

“Yeah, I’m fine, don’t worry.” he waved it off, quickly changing the subject. “Didn’t I tell you you would look great?”

“Thank you.” she smiled, a slight blush coming to her cheeks. “You don’t look half bad yourself.”

*


“Look at them! They’re acting like a couple of middle school kids, I don’t get it.” Trevor huffed, watching the two of his friends interact.

“They’re good friends, Z. She has a daughter and he just got out of a long-term relationship. You can’t really expect them to jump into something new all of a sudden. The spark is definitely there and I teased them about it already, but if anything happens, it’s going to be on their terms.” Cole chimed in, taking a sip of the mocktail he had picked up from the refreshments table.

“When did you become Dr. Phil?”

“Olive kept me up crying for a week during that storm last year and all that was on at 4 am at home were reruns of Oprah and Dr. Phil… I picked up a thing or two.” he shrugged.

“Jacko!” they heard Alex call out from behind them and jogging to meet their friends, bursting their little bubble. “You are both cordially invited to the midnight ice cream run. Tonight. At, you know, midnight.”

The pair looked at each other, remembering the conversation they had earlier at the hotel.

“I think I’m going to pass, Turc. Sorry. Very early flight, long hours on a plane, dying to get some rest.” Y/N politely declined.

“Guess that’s just you, me and Z then, buddy!”

“Did you stop to consider the fact that I might actually want to sleep during the night?”

“What are you, ninety?” Alex stuck his tongue out at him, strutting off to check which table was the one he was assigned to.

“Sometimes I wonder why I surround myself with a bunch of five-year-olds.” the brunette man chuckled.

“Tell me about it.”

*

The room was buzzing in anticipation, longing for the prodigal alumni, especially Jack Hughes, to make their entrance. He could feel all eyes on him, which he could name as one of the things he disliked the most about his found stardom. The pro player greeted the teenagers sat at the table he was sitting in, making small conversation, looking over to where Y/N was instinctively.

He could feel the young girls' eyes on him and he assumed they were probably waiting for him to tell them something they probably already knew. Jack stopped chewing the small piece of bread he was eating, raising his eyebrow.

“Do I have something on my face?” he inquired, scratching his scruff.

They instantly shook their heads, a few giggles escaping their mouths as their boyfriends frowned beside them.

“They're waiting for you to spill the tea on the highly anticipated Jack-Y/N reunion. Your line is us boys about...Coach Y/L/N plays us the tape of you guys scrimmaging every year.” one of them, a redhead with freckles, explained.

“Oh.” he cleared his throat, straightening up in his chair. “It’s always cool to hang out with my linemate.” he winked. “It’s good to be back here and getting to meet you guys as well. Also, if you ever get your hands on that tape, promise me you’ll delete it.”

The group of young girls swooned over his ever-growing charm and playful smile, the boys equally as charmed.

*
“Y/N, we found some pictures of the boys when they were little and we wanted to know if you could figure out who they are.” a blonde girl requested, avoiding meeting her eyes.

“Sure, I love a good throwback.” she smiled warmly, taking the phone the girl was holding out for her. “Oh, this one’s way too easy. Cole. Sophmore year trip to the Rocky Mountains. He had just gotten his braces and was adamant on not showing his teeth to anyone.

“You’re right.” the girl beamed, quickly letting go of his shyness. “You can swipe left, now.”

“Aw, that’s me! Really cool pigtails, hu?” she giggled, nudging one of the boys with her elbow. “Mmm… This is a good one… Is this… Z?”

The girls all nodded in unison, surprised she recognized them when all the pictures were at least twenty years old. Y/N felt quite proud of herself, swiping every time she got it right with a smirk. She stopped to look at the one that came up next with a little bit more attention, taking in the details. There stood an approximately five-year-old Jack, no front teeth, grinning mischievously and winking at the camera, making finger guns.

“Oh, it’s impossible not to know who it is! It’s sweet baby Jacky!” she chuckled, zooming in on his face. “Hey, Rowdy! Hughes! Jack!”

His head snapped up to where he heard his name being called from, seeing Y/N waving him over excitedly. He smiled at his dinner dates apologetically.

“If you’ll excuse me, I think my partner wants to have a word with me. I’ll be right back.” the brunette man said, standing up and walking up to Y/N's table. “What’s up?” he asked, trying to avert his eyes from her plunging neckline.

“Look at this! You look so cute in your little cowboy suit! Wasn’t this taken at the Halloween party back in first grade? When you tried to convince your mom to rent a pony?”

“You remember that?” he replied, surprised at how good her memory was.

“Of course I do, you adorable nerd, your mom's stories have always been incredibly memorable.” the doctor cooed, her smile only widening more as she looked at the picture again.

“That’s a really embarrassing photo… And memory.” Jack blushed, scratching the back of his head.

“Don’t forget Ellen posted pictures of you in a honeybee costume on social media.” Trevor pointed out from the table next to Y/N.

“Dude, seriously?” the Devils' player grumbled, much to his friend’s delight.

“I live to annoy the shit out of you, brother.” Trevor grinned before realizing what he had said and slapping his hand over his mouth. ”I’m sorry, kids. Swear words are bad words! Don't tell Coach."

The whole table laughed at their interaction, one of the girls speaking up before Aleksander went back to his table.

“We didn’t find those honeybee pictures online but we do have a very interesting photo of you as a newborn that is circulating around social media, we were just about to show it to Y/N.”

“Oh god, please don’t.” he begged, looking mortified.

The girls nodded, giggling, not wanting to go against the handsome man’s wishes.

“Hey! I want to see that picture!” Y/N pouted, standing up to face him, crossing her arms over her chest, accidentally making her breasts stand out even more.”

“Pouting isn’t going to cut it, sweetheart.” he sang, turning his back on her to avoid letting his eyes rake down her body again.

“Party pooper!” the doctor called out, earning a few amused looks from her old friends and the guests.

He chuckled, sitting back down at his table.

“So, where were we?”

*

He tensed up at her proximity, but quickly relaxed when he noticed how content she seemed to be while doing it, like she had many times before, during long hours studying tapes, back in the day.

“I still want to see the picture, you know…” she teased, looking up at him with puppy eyes.

“It’s awful.”

“I have some pretty embarrassing childhood pictures myself… Come on.”

“You’re not giving up, are you?”

“Nope.” she grinned sheepishly.

“Promise you won’t laugh.” Jack requested, dead serious.

“I won’t!” Y/N crossed her heart, turning on her seat, waiting expectantly for him to show her the dreaded photograph.

“Well…” he began, grabbing his phone from the pocket of his suit jacket and looking it up. “Here it is. A newborn Jack Hughes.”

“Oh… Wow.” the doctor stuttered, not knowing what else to say.

“I wasn’t turning heads back then, no sir.” the pro player solemnly declared, his words laced with humor.

“That’s a terrible thing to say about a baby!” Y/N swatted at his arm, struggling to keep a straight face. “Even when the baby…”

“Looks like an elderly alien?”

“At least you lived up to the name Rowden for once.”

They both burst into laughter, not being able to hold it in and earning themselves a few stares from their fellow alumni.

“We’re terrible people.” she joked, gently placing her hand on his shoulder as she used her other hand to wipe a single tear that had escaped her eyes and struggling to catch her breath.

Just then, Trevor walked past them, wearing a powder blue suit with a huge red stain on the crotch area. Jack looked at Y/N and they completely lost it again. Their friend stopped to look at the pair, bewildered by their sudden amusement.

“Assholes.” he mumbled, leaving them to find the nearest bathroom.

*

 They made it to the hotel in twenty minutes, every single one of them going straight to their rooms after saying goodnight to each other.

Y/N managed to unzip her dress herself, after numerous attempts, and hung it up in the closet, taking another quick shower to relax and get ready for bed, putting on an old band t-shirt and a pair of plaid pajama pants. She brushed her teeth and let her hair down, running her hands through it, before texting her mom to kiss Joey goodnight for her and lying down to sleep.

As comfortable as the bed was, she struggled to fall asleep. She tossed and turned for at least two hours and a half, eventually deciding to just wait it out, staring at the ceiling with an arm over her head. The doctor used to suffer from a really bad case of insomnia back in camp and it seems like she was doomed to another sleepless night in Plymouth.

Annoyed and sleep deprived, Y/N did the only thing she could think of: getting up, picking up her room key and walking down the hall, mindlessly roaming around, hoping her eyes eventually grew heavy. At least that used to work.

As she was turning for yet another lap around the quiet floor, she bumped into someone.

“Shit! I’m so sorry!” she whispered, not trying to cause a commotion. “Jack?”

The brunette man rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, nodding in response.

“What are you doing out here at three o’clock in the morning?”

“I could ask you the exact same thing, Miss Y/L/N.”

“Plymouth induced insomnia.” Y/N shrugged.

“Oh… Same, I guess… Remember that one trip to Canada we went on when we stayed up walking around the halls until Coach caught us and tried to give us the sex talk?”

"Oh my god, that was so embarrassing! I can’t believe he thought we were hooking up! I was wearing my pink bunny pj’s and my retainer... Come on!” she laughed quietly, looking up at him.

“It was the first time we really talked one-on-one, no pads, no rink. I really enjoyed it.”

“Sleep deprivation sure did make great friends out of us.” she nudged his side. “My dad's not here though, he can’t keep us from fighting this together now.” the doctor winked.


*

“This isn’t working, is it?” he sighed, desperate for a couple of hours of sleep.

“I don’t think so…” Y/N half-smiled, stopping in front of her door.

“Well… It was worth a try. Good night, Mess.”

“You can come in if you want, if we’re not getting any sleep at least we can be miserable together.” she offered. “It’s okay. Come on in.”

The doctor opened the door and stepped aside, letting him in. His tall frame towered over her as he walked past her. Jack was wearing a plain white t-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts that attracted attention to his (very) attractive backside. Y/N averted her eyes, shaking the thought of his sculpted body out of her head.

“I’ll turn on the tv, Cole told me we can stream shows here.” she said, climbing back into bed, and pointed to the other side of it, noting Jack awkwardly standing in the middle of the room. “You can lay here, the bed’s big enough for both of us. Hell, we could probably squeeze Z in here with us if we wanted.” she teased, a playful glint in her eyes.

Y/N looked at her, the woman who could pull off a sensual red dress and a band tee and no make-up in the same night without losing an ounce of her incredible sex-appeal, wondering what the Universe was trying to do to him.

“So… How I Met Your Mother?” her voice brought him back to reality.

“Mmm… Sure.”

They remained quiet for a while, watching the episode and occasionally letting out a chuckle or two, Jack finally felt like he could relax around her. It was Y/N after all. There was no reason for him to act like a sixteen-year-old with a crush.

“Barney’s pick-up lines would never work on anyone in real life.” she spoke up, ten minutes into the episode. “They only work in theory… And in really corny romantic comedies.”

“I’m afraid I have to disagree with you.”

“Excuse me?” the doctor pretended to be stunned by his ‘audacity’.

“I’ve got a good one and it kinda works.” Jack shrugged, not taking his eyes off the flat screen on the wall.

“It worked on who, exactly?” she snickered, crossing her arms over her chest.

“My last two girlfriends.”

“Mmm… Alright. Let’s hear it, then.” Y/N taunted him, muting the tv and turning to her side in order to look directly at him.

“Be careful, you might fall in love with me after I use it on you.” he warned, raising his eyebrow.

“I’ll take my chances.”

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you… Okay… Here it goes… How much does a polar bear weigh?”

“I have no idea.” Y/N replied, amused by the excited look on his face.

“Enough to break the ice. Hi, I’m Jack.” he smirked, extending his hand out for her to shake.

Y/N took his hand, struggling to hold in her laughter.

“You’re such a dork, Rowdy.”

“C’mon, it’s a good one!”

Jack had the cutest grin on his face, the one she loved to see adorning his features. It made her heart warm. No matter how much time had passed since they had last been together.

“We’re definitely done with How I Met Your Mother for the night, I’m not taking the risk of having to suffer through another one of those.”

Y/N switched to MTV, turning up the volume, turning up the volume. Prince’s Kiss was playing and, as soon as she realized it, her eyes widened. She slapped his arm in excitement.

“Oh my god, this is our karaoke song!”

The brunette man smiled at the memory of the two of them singing that exact same song together after they won the juniors championship, happy and carefree.


“Get up, we’re doing this.” she demanded, jumping out of the bed. “Want to be your fantasy, maybe you could be mine… You just leave it up to me, we could have a good time." Y/N sang, incredibly off-key, pointing at him. “Sing with me!” she pleaded, taking Jack's hands in hers and making him dance with her.

“You don’t have to be rich to be my girl, you don’t have to be cool to rule my world.” he followed her lead, in a high-pitched voice, making her giggle uncontrollably while he made her twirl. “Ain’t no particular sign I’m more compatible with, I just want your extra time and your…” Jack paused, realizing he was now standing unbelievably close to her. “Kiss.”

[fandomfaeofveryfewf4cks]

Things I noticed the nth time watching Nimona:

Knight armour can get sliced through like nobody's business (Balister's arm), but can take a laser hit without serious, body-altering consequences (Director hitting Ambrosius with a laser made from the same one that apparently has the power to wipe out half the realm, or kill an Immortal being who doesn't feel severe pain from an arrow wound)?

...is this because Ambrosius' armour was made to be more protective than Balister's?

"She manipulated BOTH of us." Ambrosius says this about Nimona, who he had very few interactions with aside from her very blatantly fucking shit up for the institute. How did she manipulate HIM?

I guess it probably makes sense when you consider he was going to arrest the director, implying that he believed Bal AND Nimona, but I dunno. The little rat in my head started running on its brain-powering wheel at all the possible fanfic plots this could lead to.

Nimona as Ambrosius grabbed the Gloreth statue when they fell to the ground.

On the one hand, this could just be actor!Nimona putting dramatic emphasis on how even in death, the leaders of the realm will cling to their hopes and beliefs, or the golden boy finally getting to join his ancestor.

On the other hand, we could make it deliciously angsty (yum yum) and say it is Nimona's personal desire to grab the statue of Gloreth for reasons such as: taking down the monster-killer image of her former friend out of anger and sadness because she never wanted that image to be so true in representing one of the few people who ever cared about her even briefly;

OR, While trying to think about how she would act if she were actually dying, she reaches for the closest thing to a friend that she has, but this is her staging a false death, as that particular friendship was false so this is just fitting, isn't it?;

OR, They wanted it to spread a message that with the fall of the director, would come the fall of the corrupt system they live in, as well as the fall of this narrow-minded view of both Nimona and Gloreth's story as well as Gloreth and Nimona themselves.

Nimona freaking out about the arrow in their leg in the comic vs Nimona treating it like a little scrape not to be worried about in the movie.

This is really interesting to me. In the comic, it's played up for humor like Nimona is almost overreacting, then having Bal take care of her because he does care about her. This shows it as a bit silly, but so very meaningful.

Then you have the movie where Balister is freaking out and it's kind of funny because clearly Nimona is relatively fine about it, so he doesn't really need to make a big deal out of it. Then he helps her and is still very careful about it like with anyone else's arrow wound, and asks her questions so he can better understand them. Again so very important.

I love both versions of these scenes, I just am so curious about why they made such a drastic change.

I love this movie so freaking much. (I knew that already, but it bears saying for the thousandth time. It's just so fucking good.)

For this last one:

TW: mention of police brutality (discussed as a theme in the movie, nothing specific outside of the Nimona movie)

"He's got a weapon." It's not a weapon. It's a phone. But Todd (and who knows how many of the other knights) didn't choose to see it as anything other than what the director told him it was, and destroyed it as he was trained to do. This screams messaging about the stupid, dangerous, and harmful actions of too many police officers who don't check the situation for themselves before acting on "information" they gathered from insufficient data and/or unreliable sources, and combine that with profiling to make decisions that so often end up being harmful and even fatal to others.

[lazyyogi]

What helped you at the start of your journey of becoming who you are now and what do you do consistently to keep you on your path to be helpful to others?

Any suggestions on what to do for those who’d like to be able to help others as you do with the answers you provide?

I was blessed with the right balance of suffering.

Some people suffer too little, so they never seek the radical change that comes from the dharma. They're content enough. Others suffer too much; their pain drains and torments and occupies them such that little room is left for thoughts of dharma or the energy to practice it. Similar to how it may be difficult to show a starving person the beauty of poetry. Feed them, ease their pain, and then bring out the poetry.

This is one of the major reasons for why dharma-based religions emphasize helping others. It may bring them to a place in which they are ready and able to awaken from self-based illusion.

While I did experience elements of suffering, my childhood was for the most part extraordinarily blessed. And I was a bit of a brat, albeit a charming one. But when my father died of cancer before I graduated high school, the reality and finality and unpredictability of death struck me hard.

At the time, I was a practicing occultist and so I turned toward a few trusted occultist friends for insight and advice. I was blessed with a friend who pointed me in the direction of tantra, which is essentially a perfect crossing over point for occultists to enter the spiritual path.

Essentially at that point in my life, I had a few of the insights that lead a person to dharma:

Impermanence. Not only the impermanence of our circumstances and their changefulness but also of our very lives. It's one thing to know it in your head, it's another thing to know it. When you realize you are dying and will die, it lights a fire under you.

Suffering and freedom. I felt awkward, tense, confused, angsty, and unhappy. But I also knew that I had at some point lived without those things. This suggests it is possible to be free from them again.

Precious human birth. Beginning around the age of 7, I wondered what my life would have been like had I been born into a different family. Different religion. I didn't understand why kids identified with their family's religion just because that's what their family believed. It is thanks to our human capacities that we can contemplate life, death, existence, and so on.

Freedom is possible. This was a stroke of luck that I encountered the dharma at the right time. Although I wasn't okay with continuing to suffer and I felt that it should be possible to be free from suffering, I didn't know for sure that there is truly a way beyond it. Eventually I did come to discover that through the grace of the way things unfolded for me after my father's passing.

From there I wasn't content to live within the limits of my suffering, I wanted freedom from it. That urge to be free from such limits drove me to learn spiritual practices such as meditation and then practice them with dedication and discipline. My guru sometimes says that if you are sitting on a chair with a time bomb underneath it, you will find plenty of energy to get up and run away.

With spiritual practice, it is like that. When you know you will die and that death may come any time, then you will prioritize that which will liberate you from suffering.

I didn't set out to write a blog encouraging and clarifying the spiritual way. Nor did I really set out to have a 'path.' I just addressed what was most relevant and immediate in my life: the matters of happiness, love, peace, death, suffering, and such. But just as once step after another soon becomes a journey, so too did my obstacles become a path.

Many people helped me on my way and this blog has been my means of paying it forward, as I will never be able to repay them for their kindness. Which is why so long as I am able and so long as there is a space for me, I will always maintain a Lazy Yogi presence somewhere on the internet.

My advice is to free others from yourself first. If we don't work on ourselves, if we don't emerge from our self-based confusion, then we become everyone else's problem. Discover the ways in which you are limited, bound, deluded, confused, and suffering. And then endeavor to free yourself.

The rest will grow from there.

Much love!

LY

[soov]

MOOT GAME: " make up a trope for your moots and their biases. doesn’t need to be romantic. can be crackfic/funny/anything you want

OMG OMG IM ACC SO HAPPY I LOVE THIS KIND OF ASKS (only doing some of my moots that i feel that fit these tropes 🙏 plus Yeah anon sorry..... i am not the best one w crackfics as u can see)

@isoobie : heeseung & strangers to lovers (hs bball au)

based on today’s heejay vid where jay says that hee fits the “treats everyone nicely but doesn’t know to talk to women” and heebot LMFAO imagining a hs au where he’s the popular basketball player who shares most classes with her, and has a crush on her. the whole school finds out about his crush and tries to get them together. it ends up with a bunch of students making a circle around them during lunch while heeseung sttuters and blushes the crap out of himself trying to confess, and ri accepts as equally as embarrassed cs who wouldnt 😆😆 the school’s it couple!!!!!!!

@voikiraz : sunghoon & small crochet business

mari w her lil crochet shop making the cutest bags and guess who liked them.... SUNGHOON!!! she packs his order very nicely (like she does to all cs shes the best business owner!!!!!!) but... it ends up arriving all messed up and basically destroyed. he sends her a kind dm in her shop’s insta about the order. when she checks his address, she notices they live in the same city and offers to give him a brand new bag personally. and when she arrives... love at first sight 😊 he’s def buying her whole shop and asking for delivery everytime just to see her!!

@boyfhee : jay & live jazz restaurant

why am i giggling js at the thought!! cael and jay would both go to a nice jazz restaurant every week and after some time of mutual pining, he gains enough courage and asks if he could pay her a drink!! they end up having such a good time together and after exchanging numbers, the next date gets set to jay’s house. and guess what 😂😂 private chef with meals even better than the restaurant’s, slow dances with a glass of wine in the kitchen, and jay playing his guitar after eating & having dessert OOHOHO

@haknom : juyeon & invisible string / dense and worse

Very Fitting!!!!!!! 😆😆 imagining a ton of those almost meeting moments w them like almost met each other at a convenience store, almost met at a morning stroll, almost met during a hangout with mutual friends... and in the end, they bump into each other accidentally someday. when they become friends it’s HELL because juyeon would be like Heyyy kayla 😏😏😅 and she wouldnt know hes flirting and same thing goes to him. they end up connecting the dots somehow and boom! couple 😂😂😂

@jongsie : nicholas & zombie apocalypse

HEHE THIS ONE WOULD BE SUCH A COOL DRAMA rav and nicho who aren’t really that fond of each other but a sudden zombie apocalypse forces them to work together. really angsty cs that’s what rav likes... one of them prob loses an arm or leg and dies in the end... the other suffers so bad!!! pure grief in its worst form. when the apocalypse ends the other digs a little hole in the place that they first met (and that was completely destroyed) and buries an item that one gave them before dying. (whoa i kinda ate with this one)

[marshymoss]

BSD 107 SPOILERS

//SPOILERS!! AHHHHH!!!! I'm putting my thoughts here because I have a moot on Twitter that I don't want to spoil things for....

OK. SO. You know how Dazai is Not having a good time rn.... like bro is seeing the pearly gates. And Chuuya (who is not in control of his own body) is on his way to kill him via Fyodor's orders.

NOW, many people, including myself... ARE SO EXCITED FOR THIS SKK REUNION!!! like... so many monumental things abouta possibly happen. SUCH AS (list off the top of my head): 1. Chuuya bite Dazai vampire style and that nullifies the curse. Aha. i can imagine the edits now. (and to see that animated at some point.. ough) 2. Skk beats up Fyodor double black style ;) 3. Skk bantering that we have missed so so so much 4. Chuuya potentially faking being vampire, lifting his hat up, and looking at Dazai... "You missed me?" OR "You look like shit. Almost makes me forgive you for that stunt you pulled with the water." 5. Dazai being carried princess style by Chuuya ahhahahtg73849ewk 6. Now, what me personally wanna see.... Chuuya BOOKING it down the halls trying to get to Dazai in time. I don't think this will happen because the shock value of seeing Chuuya actually faking being vampire wouldn't be as good. BUT OH BOY AM I IMAGINING IT. 7. oh and Chuuya having his own flashbacks ab their relationship too!!

IM SO EXCITED FOR JULY YALL. EEK.

Now, I don't think Dazai is going to die. But. It a possibility that we cannot ignore.... and I've got some angst that it can cause. Like. Agh. This is the reason I'm making this post; I want to shock others with fear. Fear that I don't want to suffer through alone. NOW, MY ANGSTY LIST FOR HOW THIS SKK INTERACTION MIGHT PLAY OUT:

Fyodor calls back vampire Chuuya (Sigma situation) and he doesn't make it to Dazai in time and Dazai dies Alone. (I don't think this is going to happen at like. All. But it could! Maybe!)

Turns out Chuuya is faking being vampire, but he gets to Dazai and it's too late to do anything (poison kicks in, bro bleeds out, etc.) He dies in his arms! ^^

Chuuya is forced to activate corruption, Dazai can't save him because BROKEN LEGS and both Chuuya and Dazai die (i will stop reading bsd.

Chuuya kills Dazai as a vampire, the curse isn't nullified (FYODOR is the one who sent Chuuya there afterall) and this is when we get Really Angsty: (1) It's obvious that Chuuya and Dazai care for each other on some level, even if you don't ship them. Chuuya would be killing somebody that he cares about, and he would probably blame himself for it. Dazai is somebody that he has known for SEVEN YEARS!! That shit would HURT!! The sheep, flags, all of his subordinates that have died on the field, now Dazai. (2) NOW as for DAZAI!! If I remember correctly, Dazai says something along the lines of "Everything I want I lose" or something like that, right?? Now. Imagine this. Dazai, someone who craves death and constantly tries to commit suicide, dies. OK so what?? No. I think that Dazai very much wants to try and stay alive, it's hinted at multiple times (15 novel, his character song, a much happier life with the ADA in contrast to the mafia, etc.). Let's circle back to what I said earlier, "Everything I want I lose." Dazai goes full circle from wanting to die -> wanting to live -> dying. It hurts and it would prove what Dazai thinks/thought is right!! Everything he wants, he can't have! (Also, cherry on top. He hates pain!! He would be dying a very, very painful death. He even says that he is in a lot of pain in the chapter) OK, ONE AGAIN I DONT THINK CHUUYA OR DAZAI IS DYING!!! im sorry. lets.. focus on the positives!!! Sskk reunion yayyy! (it's also really painful to think about them)

[movedtolilmouzee]

Can you write something where Wayne is dying (I know, angst SORRY) and Eddie is upset so one night after he and reader come home from the hospital he tries having rough sex with them (you know, just to feel something/have some control in the moment) and reader is confused but goes along with it until he says something about “not wanting to lose her” and she makes him stop and he finally tells her that she’s his only family now if Wayne dies so he thought getting her pregnant and having a kid would be the best way to ensure that he’s guaranteed a family and that he won’t feel like he’s losing everyone and she reassures him that while that’s sweet and she’d love to have his kids, it’s not time for that right now and he needs to be there for Wayne and I’m sorry if this is too much but I am feeling SAD with a side of angsty sauce 😂 ty!

𝔒𝔫𝔢 𝔩𝔞𝔰𝔱 𝔱𝔦𝔪𝔢, 𝔭𝔩𝔢𝔞𝔰𝔢 𝔟𝔞𝔟𝔶?

𝘔𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩, 𝘛𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘰𝘧 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘳, 𝘓𝘰𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵, 𝘈𝘯𝘨𝘴𝘵, 𝘊𝘰𝘮𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵, 𝘚𝘮𝘶𝘵.

(𝙕𝙚𝙚'𝙨 𝙉𝙤𝙩𝙚- 𝘿𝙤𝙣𝙩 𝙖𝙥𝙤𝙡𝙤𝙜𝙞𝙯𝙚 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚. 𝙄 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙨𝙚𝙚𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙥𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝙪𝙥 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙄 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙨𝙠𝙚𝙙 𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙬𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙞𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙮𝙤𝙪. 𝙄𝙩'𝙨 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙩𝙤𝙤 𝙢𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙡𝙡 <3)

Eddie had gotten the phone call that his uncle was in the hospital about a week ago while performing during a show. Everything fell apart that night, Eddie freaked out backstage crying and screaming in your arms while everyone packed their equipment up and offered to take care of the rest so eddie could see his uncle which you both said yes to and drove to the hospital. At first eddie didn't have the heart to step into the hospital room, stuttering about how he didn't want to cry in front of his uncle and how this was all some big nightmare, until the doctor came out of the room telling eddie his uncle wanted to see him.

Eddie immediately dashed into the room and next to his uncles side, tears quickly taking over his vision. Eddie couldn't think of what to do, to say, anything. He was just frozen, a statue holding your hand crying a million tears like a little boy who just dropped his favorite ice cream. Death was something that scared eddie so bad he wished he could be immortal.

The visits continued on for a few more days until the doctors told eddie that the treatments werent working and his uncle didn't have much time left. Something just snapped inside of eddie when he heard those words, he didn't speak a single word on the drive home, just staring at the road while his hands gripped the steering wheel. Though when eddie got home he was like a whole other person, he was immediately all over you, hands roaming your body. Eddie just told you it was a way to distract his mind and you went with it, not understanding what was happening with your boyfriend, all you knew what that eddie had carried you to the bed and was making quick work to remove every piece of clothing.

The next minute eddie had already prepped you for his cock and had sat you on his lap, holding you close to him while he slowly slid his cock inside your gummy walls moaning out your name. Sex with eddie was always so good. He was always gentle, soft and calm but tonight he was like a bunny in heat. His thrust were so rough that if he went any faster he'd break the bed.

This had gone on until eddie was close to cumming, you could tell something was wrong by how he held you so close to his chest and whispered "I don't wanna lose you, Y/N" this was you finally stopped eddie, climbing away from him. Cleaning yourself and eddie off while asking what was going on in his mind. Hearing those words send eddie into a crying episode, tears spilling from his eyes. "I'm scared, Y/N. I'm losing Wayne and I'm scared that I'll lose you too, when Wayne dies all ill have is you. What happenes if you die? I just thought that if i got you pregnant and build a family, I won't feel so alone anymore." He whispered, constantly wiping tears away from his face as he slowly calmed down now that he finally got everything off his chest.

"Eddie, I understand where your coming from but now isn't the time to try and get me pregnant. Nows the time for you to spend every moment you can with wayne, you don't know how much time you'll have with him. You need to cherish every moment, and while I love the thought of us having little eddies running around, we should wait until your in the right headspace." That was all it took for eddie to calm down.

Eddie took your advice and went to spend every moment he could with wayne. Making sure to have a hold of your hand every step of the way, still scared he'd lose you. Eddie lost Wayne three days later after that night. Though he acted fine with everyone else, he let everything out when around you, head resting on your shoulder while he cried his heart out, saying that it wasn't fair.

[foulbearobservation]

Ok, hear me out…

The piece of divinium in Cam’s neck is not just some random chunk of tarask bone. Chucking a sliver of tarask into somebody’s spinal cord would kill them; you need something still a tad human for it to work. It’s a piece of Lilith. Don’t ask me where Eurotrash Jesus got it, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that it’s Lilith penetrating Cam and fusing with her so the are inexorably connected forever and ever. Lilith speaking directly into Cam’s mind and firing all her nerve endings ecstasy of st. Teresa style.

(Lilith is all angsty about Cam not being able to consent/say no and Cam is just holy fuck do that again and I really need you to validate my madness on this one, please and thanks.)

This inspired smthn within me idk dude

On some level, Camila knows that The Bastard's Cross (capital T capital B capital C, all very important parts of her compartmentalization strategy) in her neck is connected to Lilith. She can always feel the other woman behind her, lurking like a shadow at the end of the hall.

Well. She usually can feel the other woman lurking like a living shadow. Right now she feels nothing.

Once upon a time she would be relieved, but that was then and this is now.

The phone in her hand buzzes, outgoing call to Lilith remaining unanswered.

"Come on, come on, pick up." She mutters, thumbnail worried between her teeth.

The line goes dead.

Lilith is probably fine, most of these FBC safehouses aren't a real challenge for a trained fighter much less a trained,,, Lilith.

She reaches her hand behind her neck, finding The Bastard's Cross on instinct alone. She presses down on it like you would a bruise, expecting a flash of pain.

Instead she gets an exasperated Lilith saying "could you stop yelling at me?"

Camila jumps up, knife in hand and back to the wall before her brain processes the stimuli fully.

Her room is still empty, window still cracked just slightly to let the nighttime breeze in. There's no smell of burnt glass that Lilith often brings with her, there's just Camila, The Cross, and the still night air.

"What the hell?" She breathes out.

"Aren't you still a nun?" Lilith's voice responds, rumbling comfortingly at the back of her neck. Camila was loath to admit it when she was being trained by the Lilith years ago, but her voice was endlessly calming in its steady, even affect.

"I—" Camila crosses herself, "it's complicated. Where are you?"

"The snake pit that is the FBC house you sent me to, obviously? They had a divinium reinforced door, interesting design, very brutalist." A slight pause, Camila imagines Lilith leaning against a wall, trying too hard to look cool. The mental picture is endlessly charming nonetheless. "Why were you yelling at me inside my own head?" Lilith asks.

Camila takes three centering breaths as she calms herself down. "I couldn't feel you, I was worried." The faint scent of cigarette smoke tickles her nose. "Stop smoking, it's bad for your health."

An indignant noise from Lilith. "How did you? Jesus, nevermind." Another slight pause, the smell of smoke goes away, replaced by a phantom heat at her fingertips. "I crushed it, happy?"

"I'd be happier if we had this conversation in person." Camila admits, softly.

"I have to wait for Sister Ruth to get here so she can take care of cleanup." Lilith's voice pitches down to a whisper and it tickles the back of Camila's head in a way that sends shivers down her spine. "You sound quite eager for me to get back."

"I—" Camila crosses herself again, old habits dying hard, "I am."

She feels more than she hears Lilith's shaky exhale. "Soon."

Soon turns into approximately three hours and fourty-seven minutes, not that she's counting.

She's on her third cup of coffee for the day, on her way back from the kitchen when The Cross tingles with adrenaline.

Lilith is behind her in an instant, the smell of burnt glass hanging off of her like an ill fitted jacket. Camila doesn't have time to turn around before Lilith's hand finds a home on the back of her neck.

Camila can't help the involuntary moan that slips out as soon as Lilith makes contact with The Cross. A small spark of blue light shines in the hallway, throwing their shadows into stark contrast.

Camila claps a hand in front of her mouth and moves away from Lilith, the other woman lets her go.

When she gathers herself and turns around, Lilith's expression is guarded, but curious. She allows Camila to pull her down the hall and into her room.

There they separate, Lilith by the door as if she would need it to make a quick exit and Camila awkwardly hovering in the middle of the room.

Silence stretches languidly before Camila exhales one quick breath. "Oh for the love of—" and lunges forward, pulling Lilith into a kiss by her lapels.

Lilith doesn't respond immediately and Camila is about to apologize when it seems the other woman's brain catches up with her, wrapping an arm around Camila's lower back and one tentatively on her neck. She tastes like gunpowder and nicotine and this is so so bad for so many reasons but Camila can think of none of them as she whispers "do it again, please."

[kae-karo]

2023 fic roundup

phew!!! i wrote for four different fandoms this year, which is utterly wild to me given that most years i am writing for one or maybe two...but no, this year we went wild - bnha, genshin, trigun, and blue lock

so without further ado, my faves from each month:

jan 2023: i've made mistakes (but you were not one) - chaeya, i really hit my chaeya stride by this point and frankly i ADORED writing this fic, which was my first t4t chaeya fic !!!!

feb 2023: everything i ask for (and so much more) - chiluc, based on a scenario that my mom said she 'always wanted to see happen at a wedding' which rly made me laugh and thus i had to write it !!!

mar 2023: don't rush - kaeluc (and dilucest?), i just really enjoyed stretching my skills on this one in the vibes and also just. the mechanics of everything?

apr 2023: oh gods, there's two of them - cynonaribedo, which was just SO much fun after that event to consider how they'd interact and what shenanigans they'd get up to. also the smut was a fun challenge lmao

may 2023: don't be too good to me - vashwood, my first canon-universe fic for these silly guys that let me really explore the angst and also some of the lightheartedness

jun 2023: in your dreams - kaisagi !!!!! my first bllk fic!!! these two idiots make me feral !!!! they're so angsty and silly and i love them so much, i had a blast trying my hand at them!!

jul 2023: dark blue - kaisae, my last-minute final fic for kaisae july and the one that i reread and think about regularly lmao. one of my rare 2nd person pov fics, i had so much fun with teasing out all the imagery and emotions

aug 2023: but i'm losing blood and you're warm - bachisagi, currently my only bcis fic but my god was it SO fun to write, i loved getting to play in the horror genre a little and mixing that with romance and just UGH definitely up there as a fave

sept 2023: consumption - kaisagi, like what can i say except (pun intended) this premise consumed me so bad that i wrote it out of order bc i was so hooked on one particular scene. this whole story rly had me in a chokehold in the best way

oct 2023: pink light - ryusae, this is rly my favorite ryusae fic i've written to date. something about the premise and the gentleness and the second chances of it all just really got to me, i loved writing this so much

nov 2023: KNOCK.ME.OUT - ryurin, oh my god this fic....i reread this fic like every couple days for WEEKS after i finished writing it. more than i've reread any other fic, and purely out of a desire to just. live inside the story again. i loved it so much. up there with pink light as a fave for sure

dec 2023: tie me down (fuck me up) - saesagi, which like i feel like i went on a whole Journey abt saesagi within my brain and this is what came out. i rly enjoyed trying my hand at a new dynamic and taking sae out of his place of control for once !!!!

other stats + honorable mentions below the cut!

452,082 words posted this year across 58 fics, 24 ships, and, as mentioned, four fandoms. ended up around 8.7k kudos + 81k hits

some honorable mention fics:

good directions - vashwood, and a fic concept i've been dying to write for ages, which just happened to work incredibly well with vashwood

kinda complicated - plantwood, which was really just an excuse to write so much porn for them lmao but i had a great time both with that and the complex dynamics between the three of them

a tentative ellipsis - kaisae, cause i can't say EVERY kaisae july fic, but this one also was such fun to think about and write, just like. the premise and the execution were so [shakes them in a pickle jar]

we both got stories (but they're not the same) - kaisae, this premise rly cracked me up i had SUCH fun writing it and getting a little silly with it lskdjfklsdjf especially with kaiser and all his denial

make me love like i want to - kaisae/ryusae, which honestly all manifested out of like. the one scene in the fic where sae writes not dead on his arm. and that ballooned into an entire almost 30k story about soulmates that ended up being unexpectedly cathartic

sometimes i wish she was you - tabieita, idk this one really got me??? i had a blast writing karasu's point of view and his manipulative little shit attitude lmao

[jackwolfes]

thank you for tagging me @sixofsol !! 🥰💖

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 

144 on my public pseud, 85 in my lil anon collection, 3 floating around secretly in another anon collection, and about 10-15 super super old ones that i orphaned from various asunder fandoms over the years. so at least 232, probably closer to 250 (dear god)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

1,688,252 words of non-orphaned works (dear GOD)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

primarily six of crows/SAB netflix, but recent fandoms that i might write more for soon include: red white and royal blue, percy jackson, winter’s orbit, bbc merlin, the last binding series, & the pulleyverse 

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

hours (whumpy firstprince fic)

you owe me for blowing up my bed (sab verse missing scene)

like putting on a costume (wesper PWP)

gorgeous (wesper PWP)

a choice of two locked doors (wesper arranged marriage)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i always try to!! but i’m not the best at it all the time 😅 i make more of an effort to reply to comments that are longer or that draw out particular parts of the fic that the reader liked!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i’m a big slut for a bittersweet but hopeful ending rather than angsty ones!! like possibly my ghost jesper fic because the final scene is Quite Literally wylan dying but like, that’s kinda happy given context???

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i am still personally enamoured with the vibes in the final scene of ACOTLD 🥰 and it makes me very happy! so! that one! 

8. Do you get hate on fics?

uhhh most regularly i just get snarky gobshites trying to be like, clever and smug about shit, which never really works because i generally don’t care? but then also i sometimes get transphobic hate speech so idk 😅

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i can't answer this non-sarcastically but like YEAH I'm a VERY HORNY WRITER and I feel like it says more about you than me if you haven't been able to guage that 😅 idk I have gotten a lot tamer though by including porn in longer fics compared to the very explicit collection of PWPs I used to write?? 

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

the closest i’ve gotten to crossover is sneaking shadow and bone characters into SOC fics! or like, the most subtle of references and cameos when I need random OCs like Easter eggs 

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

a few times but i’ve always been vindicated by the fact they’ve never been well done? like it's always been word for word plagiraism (and also the ao3 abuse team is very good at taking things down)

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

not that i’m actually aware of! just podfics sometimes which has been nice 😊

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

never finished one but i’ve got 2-3 wips being co-written with my girlfriend atm 😊

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

i feel like it’s a cop out to say wesper but like,,,, 😅 idk! i like my lil stupid guys!! i like their vibe! 

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I think my problem is that I'm delusional enough to think that I will finish literally all of the WIPs I have started and want to finish even though that's like, 100 fics or something idiotic 😅

16. What are your writing strengths?

Themes and foreshadowing I think!! Like running themes for sure but I've had definitive compliments on my plotting before! I also think I'm pretty good at dialogue, especially arguments, and narrative tension/feelings! 👀

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

i am not very good at cutting my darlings which means things get a bit meandering and diluted sometimes 😅

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i can get behind it in certain circumstances! personal preference is to translate large chunks of text ie "'[English words],' he said in [language]" but I do write individual words like pet names in other languages 

19. First fandom you wrote for?

fucking hetalia when i was like, 12 🫥 but i have also in past written for: homestuck, haikyuu, yuri on ice, the adventure zone (balance & graduation) and (CONSTANTLY forget this) miraculous ladybug! some of which are better than others ngl 😅

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

well this is like asking me to pick children & is also cruel when i have 230 of them klajdsfsadjfk  UHHH? i mean this is wicked cheating but im really attached to the bridgerton au i haven’t actually finished yet! it’s fully written, but needs editing, and one that i really really like!! in terms of fics i’ve POSTED, i really like “not just girls” (trans egg wylan), “you yearn to feel no hunger” (SAB-verse coda/character study) and a real deep cut, “only imaginary people disappear to peru for ten years” (missing scene from the lost future of pepperharrow)! idk i like a lot of the fics i’ve posted which is a nice position to be in 😅

most folks i know have done this i think but tagging: @kelliealtogether @apricior @doorsclosingslowly & anyone else that sees this & fancies it 😇

[pandorascrush]

LIFE FINDS A WAY

CHAPTER TWO : MY SISTER

ALL WORK IS MY ORIGINAL WORK

PAIRING: Jake x Neytiri and eventual Jake x OC

TW: Mentions of death, mentions of dying planet, and mentions of sadness

SUMMARY: Esperanza Chacón is Trudy’s younger sister who finds herself on Pandora after some unexpected news. Who knew that her decision to leave Earth to go find her sister would change her life forever. 

WARNINGS: This is a slow burn. I want Esperanza as a character to have more backstory and depth to her before it jumps into Esperanza x Jake and other characters. I also want this for Trudy because all we really got were glimpses of her but I feel like there was so much potential in Trudy as a character, so there will be flashbacks to her and Esperanza’s sisterly bond. This is eventual Jake x OC, I love me some Neytiri but for this story it’ll be a different route. All the Sully children still exist! It will go from 1st person to 3rd person POV a lot. Please enjoy and leave some feedback!!!

NOTES: Like the last chapter I will suggest a song to listen to while reading this chapter because I just feel like doing that will really help immerse yourself into the characters and their feelings. This chapter's song suggestion is… HERE WITH ME by d4vd  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7Y4LHbpXv0

ENJOY <3

➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵

My sense came back to me quicker this time, at least that’s what it feels like. Because of that, it’s when I notice that I’ve been tied down. Great is all I can think to myself. I still can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that I’m blue. And why would they feel the need to tie me down, they could clearly tackle me again so there’s no point in running. And also I don't know where I am.

When I look up I see one blue man now, but this time he’s sitting in front of me offering, or trying to offer me a reassuring smile. But all that smile does it put me on edge. He unties me, reassuring me that I'm in no trouble, which why would I be in trouble, i've been asleep for six years. He goes to drag a chair towards me and ushers me to sit in front of him. I’m on a strange planet, in a strange body that doesn't feel like my own, and with a strange man sitting in front of me staring at me as if I'm some sort of skittish stray cat. All I want is to see my sister. 

“I want to see Trudy, I want to see my sister. Bring me my sister.” I rush out before he can have the change to sedate me again.

He takes a moment to gather himself before introducing himself. He said his name was Norm but I can't really find myself caring. I could tell he seems to get irritated with the situation since he seems to look to the side as if trying to avoid eye contact or trying to figure out what to say next. He finally looks back up at me letting our gaze meet and I take the chance to really stare into this man's na’vi eyes.

“Please I just want to go to my sister, or you could bring her to me and let her know that I'm here. She - she doesnt know I'm here. I just wanted to surprise her. The RDA said she was sick so I didn't tell her I was coming so that it wouldn't affect her help. Please Norm, I - I just want to see my sister. I haven't seen her in so long.” I was practically begging at this point, I'm pretty sure if Trudy were to see me right now she would tell me to stop making myself look pathetic, especially for a man.

And that’s when I see it. It was like a quick flash behind his eyes that he tried to blink away but I saw it. The emotion that flashed behind his eyes was what could only be described as regret and sadness mixed into one. Even if this man tried lying to me about what’s happened his eyebrows would immediately give him away. He finally kept his eyes on me and seemed to be rehearsing what he was about to say next inside his mind. The seconds that passed by in silence started filling me up with worry and I was starting to get angsty. His reaction and the situation were starting to click in my head and I started putting the pieces together, and all I can think to myself is denial. Something happened, she got worse and it was written all over his eyes. 

“Norm, where is my sister?” I said demanding at this point. But then that’s when he says it. 

“There’s no easy way to say this so I’ll just say it. Your sister is dead. She died six years ago.” 

I stood up from where I was sitting and leapt to my feet, taking a couple steps backwards. He follows me slightly only three steps with his arms in front of him as if trying to calm me down. I know my mind has registered the words because I start to feel my eyebrows twitch, and my tail I hadn't noticed before started to sway rapidly behind me. I feel my breath quicken and I feel this knot forming in my throat.

I blink once. I blink twice. For a minute all I could do was just stare into nothingness. When I try to blink again that’s when the tears start flowing. Breathing becomes harder and it starts to feel as if someone is sitting on my chest making it hard to suck in some air. My mind starts racing and I can't make a coherent thought and that's when I hear nothing but my own sobs. They come out, wrecking through my body and I feel myself collapse onto the floor. I register the pain of my knees colliding with the cold hard floor before I feel myself dry heaving as the sobs continue to tear out of my throat. There's a feeling of heaviness in my chest that’s drowning me and I can feel it dragging me down with it.

I can feel the sobs wrecking my body and burning in my lungs. The need to breathe is overwhelmed by the need to scream. The need to scream at anything and anyone. So that's what I do. I scream at the fact that I've lost my parents. I screamed at the fact that the world was dying. I scream at the fact that my sister is dead. And I scream at the fact that I'm all alone, completely and utterly alone. All sense of time is gone from me and I have no idea for how long I had been screaming but all I could register is that I had been screaming so hard and for so long that my throat had started burning, and at this point it's raw from the screaming and crying. I don’t know for how long it went on but eventually all I could do was let my body fall on the floor and curl up into a ball.

I start rocking myself in the fetal position, willing myself to wake up from this nightmare. I was trying to soothe myself the same way Trudy would soothe me as a child. When our parents died she was the strong one. She would climb in bed with me and hug me from behind when she would hear my cries at night. She would hug me so tightly and whisper into my ear that as long as I had her, I would be okay. This can’t be my life, this can’t be happening. I mean sure she was sick, but they said they could treat her while I arrived on the planet. Surely they wouldn’t let her die?

I was trying to stay quiet this time, it's been a month since our parents died and it still hurts as if it was the first day without them. I curl up and pull the blanket over my head as I go to face the wall. The tears start flowing and I bite down on the blanket trying to muffle my sobs. And that's when I feel Trudy climb into bed behind me.

“You know you don't have to hide yourself from me ya know. It’ll be okay, I'm here with you.” She says as she pulls the blanket from my head and tucks some hair behind my ear.

“I’m sorry Trudy, I just didn't want to wake you up again.” I said starting to apologize.

“You don't have to apologize either. I miss them too, you know. I’m actually scared shitless because now I have to watch over you completely.”

“You don't have to Trudy, I know I'm not your responsibility.”

“No you aren't… but you are the only family and I have left and you're my sister. And now more than anything I can't lose you. I don't know what I'd do without you.” 

“You'll always have me Trudy. I'm the one who wouldn't be able to function without you. You're the one who knows how to kick ass, not me.” I let out trying to have some sort of comedic relief.

“Yea you're right about that. That means you can't be a dumbass now.” With this we both let out a chuckle.

It was the blanket and her warm hug that began to lull me back to sleep. Having that safety net of her arms around me is what helped me quiet down my mind. The last thing I heard her whispering to me in the dark was her telling me how she’ll always be with me and protect me no matter where she is.

“Whether it’s here, worlds apart, or somewhere in the universe I'll always watch over you. I love you Anza.”

The minutes melded into hours and eventually Norm left me alone. He left me alone to my pain and sorrow. It’s not like there was anything he could do to soothe this new found pain in my heart. It was as if the pain was digging a hole and burrowing itself deep inside making itself right at home.

He comes back with food a few hours later, and a tablet. At this point I'm sitting in a corner of the room with my knees up to my chest. All I could do was glance at him sideways and that's when I see him clicking on what seems to be a video on the tablet. And that's when I see a flash of Trudy’s face for the first time in so long. I didn't realize how much I needed to see her face and almost as if on instinct I try to sit up but I fall back down. I hadn't noticed how weak I felt after crying for so long that at this point I start to try and crawl over to him. I just need to see my sister even if it's on an old video log. I need to see her face that I seem to have forgotten thanks to being asleep for six years. It seems as if he read my mind because he comes to sit next to me, keeping his distance, and hands me the tablet. Video logs, Trudy’s video logs. I click on the first one. 

“Okay ladies and gentlemen this is Trudy Chacon on my first video log. Don’t really know what to say but I will say I have self assigned myself as captain of Air Pandora…”

I sit there for what feels like hours watching her video logs. One after another my fingers click on the next one automatically. Just seeing her face fills me with some sort of relief, with some reassurance that she was here. It actually made me feel as if she was here with me on this strange world. But it’s the sound of her voice that begins the tears once again. Her voice that would always soothe me no matter what.

We used to spend hours talking at home. As soon as I got off of school there she was chatting my ear off of how she had defended someone at school. Of how she had stood up to the teacher for saying some mean shit. Of how she had enlisted into the military. It was once she was fully enlisted that our conversations moved to being over the phone. We spent hours talking, letting our phone batteries die. But it didn’t matter, because as long as we had each other nothing else mattered. It was once she told me she was being shipped off to Pandora the conversations became scarce. Gone were the daily talks we once had. They turned into weekly, then monthly, and then once every few months. Of course I understood but it didn’t hurt any less. 

This pain I felt, I’ve felt it before. The first time when our parents died, we were both young when it happened so we only had each other left. The second time, when she left to Pandora. It was a decision she made that broke my heart and left me feeling oh so alone. And now the third time it's this. Her actual death, Trudy was actually gone and has been gone for years already. But nothing could have prepared me for how empty and hopeless I now feel. It feels like a sick joke, while I was traveling through space to come be with her again, she was dead all along.

“How did she die?” Is all I could bring myself to ask as I look him in the eyes. He tries to look away but I chase after his gaze. I just need to know.

“She died fighting for what was right, fighting alongside the na’vi and Jake, against the RDA.” Stupid stupid girl, of course she would be so brave as to fight for what’s right. She was always the first one running to someone’s defense. And that's exactly what led to her death.

“Who the hell is Jake?” Is all that slipped out weakly. I no longer felt like trying to keep myself strong, or upright for that matter.

“I’ll take you to him tomorrow.” Is all I heard faintly as I started to drift off back to sleep. But before I could fully let my body slip into unconsciousness I could feel that name sear itself in my brain. Jake. I can't help but feel some sort of resentment towards that man. Of course he's not to blame but in my attempt to blame someone it's all my mind could do. I don't even know what he looks like, yet I already can't stand the sight of him. I feel myself drifting to nothingness once more. At least here in the darkness, the pain became an afterthought.   

➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵

Alright guys there it is, chapter two!!! I hope you guys liked it even though it was a sad chapter to write. I just wanted for Esperanza as a character to fully realize the situation she's in and how much her life has changed. Any feedback ya’ll have for me is appreciated! Any comments, concerns go ahead and leave them down below. This story is for sure multiple parts but don't worry, from here on out Jake and Esperanza will have more interactions since she's meeting the clan. TOODLES <3

[pandoradoesotherstuff]

Regrets: Past and Present

-----------------------------------------

A/N: Gods help me, the Baldur's Gate 3 brain rot is real. 😅😅 this is my first time writing anything for Astarion and it's kinda angsty. Tav "accidentally" snoops through a stack of papers and finds out more about the vampire spawn than they bargained for.

**VERY MILD SPOILERS FOR ASTARION'S BACKSTORY**

Enjoy! 🖤

------------------------------------------

Tav hadn't meant to snoop, not really, but when a particularly strong wind blew a stack of ageing parchment papers out from Astarion's tent...what were they meant to do? The vampire spawn had very recently left in search of some kind of furry prey, Tav preferred not to know exactly what, so they knew they had plenty of time to gather them up and replace them before he returned. And, if their eyes happened to glance over some of the words, then so be it. It truly was an "accident" after all.

Tav gathered up the papers as silently as they could, not wanting to awaken any of the others currently at camp. Scratch raised his head for a brief second, but upon seeing that it was his friend, gave a yawn and happily laid back down. Head full of pleasant thoughts of chasing after his ball.

They light a candle in Astarion's tent to give a little more illumination than the dying fire was currently providing. Quietly sitting down on an ornate stool, they begin to look through the sheets and sheets of ageing parchment. Some were older than others, some torn, some crumbled and then smoothed out again, some even had dark stains at the corners. (Tav could take a good guess at what that was). But each and every one was a letter, written in the same extravagant looping script and addressed to the same unknown person.

~~~~~~~~~~

VL,

How long has it been since I saw you last? Far too long, as always, is the answer. I can't begin to explain how much my life has changed, my dear, since then. I fear you wouldn't recognise me now. But I must beg of you, my sweet, DO NOT COME LOOKING FOR ME. Cazador is not someone to be underestimated!

My "brother" Petras says that this is pointless, that there is no way this will ever make it into your hands. He's right of course, not that I'll ever tell him that. That's all the fool needs. Still, if I'm to "survive" this new life (if you can even call it that)...Gods, what am I doing??

AA.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tav gazed over the words, a million questions running through their mind. Who was this VL, and just how did they know Astarion? Were they still alive or were they long gone like so many others before them? They pick up the next letter, careful not to tear the already fragile parchment, noting that this one seemed to be from later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

VL,

Once again I brought someone back for my "benevolent master". I've been doing it so long now it ceased to mean anything. The right word at the right time with the right touch and...well...it's all so boring and repetitive.

I know you would not wish to know about that. I wouldn't wish for you to know either.

I wish you to never know what's become of me

AA

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Letter after letter of heartbreak follows, each one filled with rage and hatred at his fate, remorse for all he'd lost and vows for revenge. Tav knew part of Astarion's "origin story", so to speak but the letters, although filled with details, raised more questions than answers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

VL,

At last I am free. By illithid parasite no less and yet...I am still not truly free. Cazador will do anything to get me back but the part that vexes me most is...I no longer remember who you are. I cannot remember your name nor your voice, I cannot remember my eye colour or yours. Were we lovers, siblings, long lost acquaintances? I no longer know. It's just another thing that's been robbed of me.

Maybe it's time to stop writing at last...

AA

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just as Tav reads the last words the hair on the back of their neck stands up, they're being watched. There's no one immediately noticeable but just along the tree line at the edge of camp Tav notices the bright ruby eyes of a vampire spawn staring back.

Shit.

They quickly sit the stack down and blow out the candle. There was no way Astarion didn't know what Tav had been doing. They think about hastily going over and apologising but the tadpole squirms behind their eye almost like a warning. No words are spoken between them only the feeling that this was not a over but instead a conversation for a more appropriate, private, time.

"Fuck".