#what constitutes as a long amount lol

[muzzleroars]

What? This is what I thought when he has V1's parents' same reaction.

lucifer sees v1 as a work of art that has become an artist in itself - being once of god, unlike any other angel, lucifer has massive amounts of creativity and appreciation for what humanity achieved through their own god-given spark. but beyond that, for v1 in particular, he sees something that has moved past its makers, it has forged its own path in defiance of what it was made for. he is fascinated by its mind, its construction, its life as something that may or may not have a soul (for what constitutes a soul, even lucifer does not know). but importantly it is a life not made by god, it is removed from him, and he wants to meet what god did not create. he wants to see what a full, vibrant experience it has, and v1 sure does. not disappoint lol so animalistic in behavior but with a razor-sharp mind, its first action is probably to challenge him to a one-on-one fight - not a surprise, given how much he knows through hell itself, but he worries he won't be an impressive match for it. he had been inert for so long and really...lucifer was never a warrior, his strength bolstered purely by his closeness to god. still, like anyone that can face v1 and live to tell about it, he finds the fight inspired, unpredictable, and a beautiful insight into a mind he cannot understand despite his godly knowledge. he is not moved by battle, but he can feel how v1 is, its emotions showing through and resonating within lucifer so that he gains insight into its passion. v1 finds its fascination in turn, recognizing right away that lucifer is not a fighter yet there is a disjointed fluidity in his movement, his choices largely defensive and illusory - he wouldn't be v1's first choice as an opponent, though his skillset is unique enough that it doesn't get bored. they stand as two perfect creations, the pinnacle of what god and man could create, and they find interest in the other purely for how alien they are. lucifer made for love and creation, v1 for apathy and destruction, curious of the other as they have been steeped in the role of their opposite.

gabriel doesn't ever really say anything to lucifer about his relationship with v1, mostly figuring it wouldn't be of any relevance to him as he seems preoccupied with attending to his fallen angels. but also...gabriel's aware that lucifer knows most of what's happened in hell and so his partnership with v1 likely isn't a secret to him. unsurprisingly, lucifer doesn't broach the topic for some time, his talks with gabriel a bit sparing and distant with his mind so attuned now to a self-centered focus in his isolation (GENUINELY does not remember how to talk to other people). gabriel actually begins to think he might not even have an opinion on their relationship, but he finds out that's quite far from the truth once lucifer is able to acknowledge more outside of himself. it's just...not what gabriel expected, if he expected anything at all. lucifer, already coming in with an appreciation of the bizarre, is actually happy for what v1 and gabriel have together. their relationship entirely defies the "natural" order of things, an act that would have been condemned fully by god and denied even as possible by v1's makers. he is glad too to see that love led gabriel to something better, it allowed him to finally follow what his heart had been telling him for all this time. it is a very rare thing to find such a kindred spirit and then to defy everything you were told you are in pursuit of that....and lucifer can find nothing more noble in the world than that. so while he continues to harbor his own issues with gabriel, he believes v1 has improved him by bounds and that he is now far more "palatable" than his siblings. gabriel has no idea how to take this, but v1 labels it an "endorsement" of its "personality"

[hushhushplzzz]

An Underrated Rina Moment II

(and an exploration on Terri’s shifting perspective on Gina and Ricky and Gina&Ricky and how that is largely due to the Ricky Effect)

(aaaand a slight defence of Terri Porter; don’t kill me lol)

Ricky’s super power is 100% the ability to charm the pants off the most prickly, scary, take no ish, rough around the edges, I-wear-the-pants divas and it’s hilarious. All three of the girlboss characters in the show, Gina, Lily, and Dani, became romantically interested in him, and it’s because he exudes trophy boyfriend, malewife, earnest puppy dog vibes and their instinct tells them he’s their compatible opposite.

Ricky has a habit of melting the hearts of the most prickly of women, and Terri Porter is no exception. She was definitely charmed by his care for her daughter, both when he sassed her and when he professed his love in front of the press conference.

But joking aside, Ricky managed to change Terri’s mind about him in only half a day, 1.5 conversations, and a declaration of love. And that’s because, much like he did for Gina, Ricky was the connecting point—a bridge, a catalyst—that allowed Terri Porter to finally reconcile the old Gina she knew with the current Gina who’d grown and become a stronger version of her former self.

And this is why this moment hits so juicy to me:

Will come back to this in a bit!

Incredibly long post ahoy :3

I’ve watched s4 about 8 times now, and I’ve come to the conclusion I actually kind of like Terri Porter as a character.

(Yes, controversial, I know. Please put down the pitchforks 😅).

Don’t get me wrong, she could definitely learn a thing or twenty from Michelle Greene (who wins Best Mom Award™, no contest), but Terri is a well-written archetype of the Overbearing Mother. And having grown up with a similar type of mom, it was pretty refreshing to see a storyline of someone navigating that type of relationship with their own mother and how it affected their upbringing. And above that, it was even more refreshing to see Terri’s mentality start to transform.

With Terri, undoubtedly, her motivations and her love for daughter inspire her actions, however questionable those actions may be. But she clearly wants nothing more than her daughter to be successful and become a star as she was always meant to be. As Michelle and Lynne stated during the HSM 3 performance, kids don’t know how much their parents worry about them. And Terri, no matter how misguided, I truly believe that is how she translates her uncontested love and worry for Gina, through pushing her to be the best and extremely successful. Terri just has a homogenous view of what constitutes success and primarily attributes success to the amount of tangible ambitions and subsequent accomplishments fulfilled.

Is this the best way to approach raising children? No; too much and this is how kids develop anxiety and imposter syndrome, among other issues.

Should Terri let Gina make decisions about what’s best for her in her own time? Absolutely.

But do I understand where Terri is coming from by pushing about New Zealand? Very much, yes.

Terri Porter has tunnel vision and singleminded focus on the future. A mentality of eyes on the prize and a focus on securing future goals. She views each action taken in life as yet another step up the stairwell leading one to their ultimate goal/success. It’s an admirable quality to have—the ability to plan so substantially every step you take to reach the top of your goals—but that tunnel vision often prevents one from living in the moment, or in Terri’s case, from seeing the importance of Gina’s journey to growth and balance and not just the final destination.

She raised Gina with this mentality and this is the root of where overly ambitious Gina 1.0 comes from: the desperate pursuit for lead through sabotage and manipulation, only for her to realise it wasn’t what she’d been looking for at the time. (Now confirmed to have been purpose and acceptance that she was actually seeking.)

But don’t get me wrong about Gina: she wanted a stable community and people who saw her and understood her, but she herself is also a naturally ambitious, driven girl who has the chops and desire to go after her dreams with no hesitation. She gets straight As, has no problem stepping into the spotlight, and is an insanely talented triple threat. Could you argue that this is potentially nurture over nature because Gina has been conditioned by her mom to be as ambitious as possible through her upbringing? Perhaps, but s2 and s3 we saw a Gina not under the influence of her mother’s overbearing nature, and we were explicitly shown how much her confidence was negatively affected by not pursuing the lead in s2 versus how well-balanced and satisfied she was in s3.

Gina is meant to be a star, and she loves the limelight and pampering of stardom. Her mother is also overbearing and pushes her to be in the limelight. They are not mutually exclusive, but undoubtedly, Gina’s motivations are still her own in a large capacity. Of all of Miss Jenn’s students, Gina is the one who acclimates to the changes with the film and navigates this new world with ease while also managing her growing fame and school with relative ease. We see Kourtney struggle with college apps and the filming, even almost dropping out of HSM 3; Carlos quits being Miss Jenn’s assistant; Ricky is trying hard to accommodate change, but it makes him uncomfortable.

(And Ashlyn is just a hot mess overall because of Maddox 😂).

Gina is on top of everything, though, and is in her element and doing amazing to boot, but the caveat to that is she’s found balance and has a loving and supportive community courtesy of her golden retriever boyfriend and the theatre crew family with which she’s strengthened bonds.

But Terri was not there for that journey in s2 and s3, a roughly 7 to 8 month interval of time during which Gina pushed aside her drive and was at her lowest in confidence only to figure it all out and bounce back stronger than ever. And she was not there for the fall and stronger rise again of Gina’s relationship with Ricky. So from Terri’s perspective, the last time she lived with her daughter, Gina was 1.0 and had no desires for anything but her ambitions to be the best.

I give Terri some grace, because though it really is up to her to try to learn and understand her daughter and who she is and who she is becoming—something Terri failed to do more than once—to be fair, Gina kept all these things from her. And I give Gina a lot of grace for not being able to express her truth in all this time because it can be very hard to stand up to overbearing moms who are inflexibly focused on one plan. But for someone who isn’t very observant about what is happening in the now, there was no way Terri would have ever known about all these changes and balance Gina found. And the biggest problem is that this season, Terri refused to open her eyes to see the growth Gina has exhibited to become 2.0 and therefore failed to understand her daughter.

Therefore, I can only imagine Terri’s sheer confusion and discomfort when Gina finally revealed the truth about the journey she’s been on and what has been the most influential in making her this happy every day. There’s no way it didn’t feel like it was coming out of left field for Terri—and she doesn’t get it at first—and for an overbearing, relatively inflexible mother, this type of confession would definitely inspire pushback.

Which we end up seeing.

The way I see it, Terri emphasises no boys in her lecture because she doesn’t want Gina’s success derailed by a relationship. She’s an adult who’s had two kids; I’m sure Terri knows what being in love is like, how unhinged it can make you, and the types of choices you make and types of distractions you have when you’re in love. And in one evening, her daughter, who had likely been telling her everything in the past and has always been under her thumb, tells her she’s been lying to her for months, is in a secret relationship with another boy, has been sneaking him into her room at night, and then rushes out of the house in the middle of dinner with a guest to make out with said boy in the rain.

But above that, the biggest thing is this secret boyfriend is the one person responsible for making Gina the happiest Terri has ever seen, something monumental, and Terri has never even conversed with him, let alone had a substantial, proper first introduction.

She knows nothing about him besides what Gina has likely told her—which is not a tangible thing Terri can confirm—but in her view he probably doesn’t seem driven, doesn’t seem particularly ambitious the way Gina is, hasn’t particularly made a mark on the world, and if we are to go by the implication of her “Gina has been waiting for you to step up for a long time” line, then she also has knowledge of how much pain Ricky inadvertently caused Gina in s2.

We all have seen Gina’s journey throughout the show and know this is the true Gina, but Terri was not there for those events. So from Terri’s perspective, everything she’s learned in one dinner has to have made her think these are all bad choices and decisions she incorrectly believes to be out of character for Gina. All she sees is a Gina who is hesitating and slow to sign a contract for a leading role in a big-budget movie in a way the daughter she remembers never would have. And I have no doubt that she believes that if Gina can make bad decisions like this about a boy without much thought, then she could just as easily make rash decisions that could negatively affect her future.

Like, for example: giving up a once-in-a-lifetime leading role as a brand new actress for a boy who can easily sway her to lie to her mother and sneak around behind her back.

I can only imagine the disapproving panic that started setting in because—beyond the potential implications of sneaking a boyfriend into your room at night—the optics do look pretty bad.

And that’s why I think she told Ricky about New Zealand. I really don’t think she has anything against him personally as she said. Her issues stem from his presence in her life and what that means for Gina’s future compared to Mack, which I’ll get back to a little later.

Again: Terri has tunnel vision and believes Gina has to pick either the movie or SLC. The only right choice in her mind is the movie, and she doesn’t want Ricky to be in the way of that decision because in her eyes, he will impede Gina’s success. But I still didn’t sense strong malicious intent so much as I sensed an inflexible mother trying her hardest to grasp onto the last vestiges of control over her daughter’s life however means necessary. Gina gave her heart to Ricky, and her clear love for him is enough to make Gina hesitate about the direction her career is taking her. Terri overheard Ricky preparing to tell Gina he loves her, and in my opinion was close to “panicking” over the fact that Ricky confessing could very well have been the final nail in the coffin in Gina giving up the acting gig to stay in SLC instead. This is the same mom who encouraged Gina to stay in SLC in s2 and not make any big decisions because she doesn’t know what the universe has in store for her. In Terri’s view, Gina was never attached to SLC, and now she’s having trouble leaving it because of Ricky, so the Ricky panic and pushing Gina to sign the contract faster kind of checks out.

I do believe mentioning Mack was a bit of a malicious dig though, but in the sense that she was trying to tell Ricky that he’s not on the same level as Mack and Gina in drive, ambition, and success. But I interpret her overall behaviour in that scene as a last ditch Hail Mary to try to make Ricky recognise what’s at stake for Gina and how influential his decisions could be in impacting how Gina makes her choice. Ricky, to her, is an obstacle and the biggest barrier at the moment to Gina jumping right into doing the movie so instead of approaching Gina, she opts to target Ricky to reconsider his attachment to Gina.

I truly believed her when she said she doesn’t have anything against Ricky, because it really isn’t about Ricky. It’s always about Gina—and who Terri thinks would best match Gina—and she just doesn’t get Ricky’s impact in Gina’s life because she probably never asked.

Terri, though overbearing, clearly does want what’s best for Gina’s success, but she doesn’t know what is best for Gina because she hasn’t been there enough to recognise Gina’s needs in the first place. And she tends to bulldoze over Gina, sometimes not even listening to what she has to say.

That’s why the confrontation with Ricky in Gina’s room is so, so important, because it’s the first pivotal moment where Terri is confronted for the first time on how important the theatre community is to Gina, no matter how small and non-famous. The moment she first realises why this idiot boy has such a strong impact on her daughter in the first place. The first moment she starts to see how Gina started to and had a safe, comfortable space to change. And the first moment she is met with the very real threat that Gina is no longer as tethered to Terri’s idea of success and stardom because Gina has people in her corner who she has placed at a higher ranking in importance than her mark-making goals.

Even when Ricky was being denigrated for not stepping up, his mind was still razor focused on Gina and being her biggest supporter and cheerleader. His response is very much a “you can say whatever you want about me, but I won’t tolerate you hurting Gina again” kind of thing. And however small, he did get through to Terri in some capacity. In some ways, I think he also gained a little bit of her respect with his Caucasity audacity.

This is the face she makes when he calls her out on her hypocrisy:

That’s a face of guilt with bits of shame. Maybe a bit of understanding that she deserves that one.

And these are the faces she makes when he asks her to turn around while he tries to get out:

Terri Porter is not a warm woman. She is driven, she is ambitious, and she pushes her daughter so hard because, to some extent, she likely views Gina’s success as her own too. And she wants nothing to get in that way, come hell or high water.

And yet, nothing about those expressions indicate a dislike of Ricky. If anything, I’d say she kind of looks fond, amused, or even impressed during a lot of that interaction. And there is no way Terri did not recognise at least a bit of the aspects of Ricky we viewers have watched him develop. His admirable complete devotion and protection of Gina. His drive to grow and improve so he can be a better partner to Gina. His desire to fully support her ambitions so she can become the star he knows she was always meant to be.

There’s no way that at that moment, Terri didn’t see an inkling of exactly why Gina has been so happy. There’s no way she didn’t recognise that Ricky is not just some random dude her daughter is dating for fun. This is not a similar relationship like the one she had with EJ over the summer. Ricky is the real deal. And he has potential to really damage the choices Gina can make about her life. She’s wrong, of course. Ricky is no longer the type to try to make everything else go away so he can have control and stability over his own life and relationship. But I think from that brief moment in Gina’s room, she at the very least now has the tangible evidence to back up what makes Ricky so important to Gina. And that informs her subsequent “panic” and the New Zealand reveal.

But again, she doesn’t know him. Just sees that her daughter is in love with a boy who doesn’t fit her own idea of strong future ambitions for success and thinks him unworthy and a possible deterrent to Gina becoming a star.

The thing is though, as I mentioned earlier, it’s not Ricky personally who she has a problem with: it’s what Ricky represents versus what Mack does.

Ricky is the theatre community—dinky, small school club, nondescript, can’t acquire fame through it—while Mack is the world of Hollywood—big-budget movie and fame, potential for successful stardom, glitz and glam and glory.

Until the end, she doesn’t care for the theatre community, because like most of her approach regarding success, a small school club is unlikely to match Gina’s drive and allow her to reach her fullest potential in a more public sphere.

(I’m gonna get over-analysy and philosophical for just a second).

The show, whether intentional or not, makes it a point to reflect this idea of the theatre community versus Mack/Hollywood as it pertains to Gina’s home and life. All moments with the theatre group and anyone having to do with it were relegated to scenes in Gina’s attic bedroom only. The cast reveal is in the attic, and they only got in because Emmy stole the garage code and they snuck in while no one was home. The Halloween party is not in the house proper, but confined to Gina’s attic, and Terri’s interaction with them is to remind them to keep it down. Ricky sneaks into the windows at night to see Gina and all his visits are also confined to the attic.

Compared to that, we have Mack, the representation of fame and stardom, gets full-blown concierge service of a dinner and is treated like royalty in the main part of the house. His presence is not only invited, it’s also encouraged and unhidden.

(Quick aside: after Ricky takes off during the Halloween party, we see Gina melancholic and at war with herself on the stairs, a middle ground/point between the main house and the attic. One foot in each world and a reflection of the start of the conflict she has to resolve in the second half of the season).

Following this metaphor, it reflects the view Terri has of Gina’s communities. How she disregards the theatre group and kind of ignores them, pushes them to the side in her mind. How much importance she places on Gina’s Hollywood gig, even going as far as not attending any stage performances but showing up to the movie set. I don’t think she even would have tried to watch most of the HSM 3 production had Ricky not called her out.

Terri prioritises success in a larger scheme of the world, choosing to ignore how much Gina’s community means to her and how much Gina means to the community too until the press conference. Until the moment when Gina talks about SLC being her support network and home. When Gina spontaneously changes the film location to stay in SLC so she can have both her found family and her future fame. When Ricky shows up and with no hesitation boldly declares his love for Gina. When her friends and castmates and found family (the bridesmaids and groomsmen 😜) come to the front to share in this moment and protect their moment and their moment alone from the prying eyes of the press.

It's not hard to see Gina’s sheer joy and bliss at all her dream's realised with Ricky and her community through her smile and tears, and the room is quite literally brightened up.

And Terri gets it: what Ricky was sassing her about, that Ricky wants nothing more than Gina’s happiness, and that Gina’s happiness is not just success in her ambitions but more so the people who have been there for her when Terri wasn’t there. She finally reconciles the words Gina likely told her at dinner and what Ricky alluded to with Terri’s absence from the opening nights with what she sees as tangible evidence right in front of her eyes.

So this is why this:

Is such an underrated moment for me, not just because her personal invitation is a seal of approval for their relationship and her acknowledgement that Ricky is worthy of her daughter. It’s also because Ricky is the reason why Gina found and joined this theatre community in the first place, and in many ways, represents exactly what this community means to Gina: finally being seen, known, understand, and accepted for who she is.

Terri telling Ricky he’s welcome in her home without having to sneak anymore represents to me that understanding and approval of this community to Gina, and in turn, a desire for Gina to continue to have this group present in her life. It’s Terri finally making an effort to listen to what Gina needs and wants and making the effort to accept Gina’s decisions and what makes Gina happiest with open arms.

Gina showed her that beautiful balance Gina 2.0 achieved without her mother’s influence by figuring out a way to have her cake with the movie and eating it too in SLC with her family. Something Terri would never have thought of as an option, given her tunnel vision. And this was definitely a strong factor in Terri recognising the influence and importance and benefit of Gina’s theatre community. And now that she is taking active steps to get to know Ricky and the community, I can only imagine her relationship with Gina, her relationship with Ricky, and her understanding of Gina’s relationship with Ricky will improve.

Within 12 hours, only two short prior conversations, one of which was Terri talking at Ricky, and Ricky publicly declaring his love for—and proposing to 🤭🤭🤭—her daughter, she’d changed her mind about him. Which is pretty insane to think about considering the type of mother Terri is: a bit controlling and not very flexible. And I attribute Terri’s change of heart mostly to Ricky, who put into action the words she’d heard from Gina and Ricky and showed her so easily that he has every quality she values and rewards:

Single minded focus and pursuit of a task when it counts.

Guts and gumption.

Ambition and drive to go after what he wants.

Never gives up.

Her machinations (twice!) did not deter him from expressing his utterly romantic, swoonworthy love song for Gina, and she definitely respects that. And it helped her see that Ricky’s drive is to make sure Gina is always happy and that Gina knows she’s loved and cared for.

Despite the fact that he is not a traditional “successful” by her definition, Terri still thinks and understands he’s worth the wait Gina went through since Thanksgiving s1 to finally be with the love of her life.

All this to say a woman like Terri Porter does not change her mind for any old reason—it has to be significant—and Ricky gaining her approval was such an excellent way to emphasise just how truly perfect Rina is for each other. How worthy Ricky is of Gina, not based on some arbitrary definition of success, but because of how significant he is in Gina’s journey of growth and happiness. I could go on and on about Rina being perfect soulmates, haha, but I digress. I foresee a great friendship between Ricky and Terri in the future because above all else, the both of them are driven by a staunch desire to see Gina successful and happy.

I originally was going to name this post “Ricky’s Effect on the Porter Women” because he truly does play a significant role in changing both of their perspectives. He was the first to allow Gina to find a home, a place where she can finally be known, something which kicked off her growth which ultimately gave her the strength and courage to make her choice at the end of the season. And he was the first to transform Terri’s mentality on success and the ultimate reason she finally saw the real Gina and the importance of this whole community that has impacted her life the most.

Ricky is an instrumental catalyst in both of their lives. He’s the reason why Gina stood up to her mother and stood her ground on her own desires and what is important to her. He’s the reason why Terri Porter will likely continue to learn who her daughter is from now on, step back, and trust Gina to make her own choices knowing she is safe with the friends she loves. He’s the reason Gina and Terri will be able to have a more equal, open and honest relationship where Gina’s desires are understood, listened to, and met because he won’t ever let anyone hurt Gina again. He’s the reason that Terri is starting to understand and reconcile who her daughter has been and who her daughter is now.

Terri is a complex character, but I feel it is doing her a disservice dismissing her choices as her being a terrible person. Her priorities are far more intense than current Gina necessarily needs, and she is a flawed human being who has definitely made mistakes in motherhood, but she’s also been an amazing mom in other ways:

She understood how much pain Gina would be in when they had to move on Thanksgiving and tried pre-emptively to keep it from happening. She gives her a bear every Valentine’s day. She let her 16 year old daughter stay in SLC by herself upon request because it was the first time in 5 schools in 7 years that Gina wanted to stay somewhere. She encouraged Gina to stay in SLC in s2 and keep making new experiences when Gina was about to give up. She moved her whole life back to SLC and decided to stick there for her daughter so Gina could have a stable home this school year. Even if too strong a push at times, she is an unwavering supporter of Gina’s talent and rise to fame and does not hide from her daughter how incredibly talented she views her. And though an incorrect assumption on Gina’s happiness, she immediately waived her no boys rule in case Gina wanted to pursue Mack. And once she accepted Ricky, she did the same again, allowing their relationship and telling him he’s welcome in their home and welcome in her and Gina’s life.

She’s a bit of a messy mom, kind of clueless, misguided in the direction she was taking parenting Gina, and has a lot to learn about a more hands-off and trusting parenting style, but she is very much there for her daughter.

And when Ricky and Gina get married in ten years, I can guarantee you Terri Porter will be right in the front, proud as hell that her daughter is marrying the perfect person for her, who cares for her beyond himself and makes her the happiest she’s ever been.

[frickinsleepdeprived]

Comatose (Kyojuro Rengoku x Reader)

I've had this in my google docs for a while so I figured fuck it let's post it to tumblr lol hope you guys enjoy!

...

He normally never fell for someone under his training.

Yes you were the same age as he is, but that doesn’t constitute a romantic relationship between the two of you. Rengoku takes his job with the utmost pride and frankly, taking you under his wing was probably the hardest thing he’s had to do so far other than training to be a hashira himself. Oftentimes in the night he’d find his dreams somehow involving you, be it romantic or otherwise.

And it’s not like you’re off the hook either. Your mind always wandered to his calloused hands when training with him, and when he was facing you head on you couldn’t help but wonder how he felt about you. But you'd never surface these feelings of course. This is your trainer, you're his tsuguko. It's only right to keep these feelings concealed.

That is, until your master fell mysteriously ill…

You had no idea how it happened. It all started at the butterfly mansion when you guys were working on your sword form. "Now, align your legs with mine…" He instructed, your hands intertwined on the handle of your blade. His hands, though calloused and scarred from previous battles, were always warm especially during the winter. Then he started with a cough, it wasn't anything major but you could tell it was bothering him. After about three days, his body temperature dropped a bit, but not by a noticeable amount. Then about a week later he just…collapsed.

"Master? Master Rengoku wake up, come on!" You tried your best to shake him awake but you failed miserably. Holding his freezing body in the fresh winter snow, you held his head in your lap, your tears falling on his face. "Oh gods… KANAO! GET SHINOBU NOW! RENGOKU HAS COLLAPSED AND WON'T WAKE UP GO GET HER NOW!" You shouted for the girl to get Shinobu, who by now is a mere few feet away with a few other medics.

"What happened? I heard screaming so I came as quickly as I could." Shinobu asked all of the questions she needed answers for. You answered them as best as you could but the tears wouldn't stop flowing.

"H-he just fell. He started with a cough about a week ago and then there was sniffling and shortness of breath. Then after three days his body temperature dropped slightly. I insisted that he go to you for help but he refused constantly. Shinobu I'm so sorry about this…" you felt so guilty. To think that you wouldn't go to her about this earlier was insane to you. She took your arms and forced you to look at her, a sincere look was in her purple eyes.

"(Y/N), this isn't your fault. I should've noticed something or anything that could've compromised his health. Rest assured that this will be taken care of. Now come inside, it's cold." She took you by the shoulder gently and led you inside.

Weeks later: turns out Rengoku suffered from a long term illness that he caught from his last mission. How no one noticed Shinobu couldn't understand. Perhaps he got better on his way home or something. But it caught up to him when it festered in his body. Just a really bad upper respiratory infection, but it forced him into a coma. So here you are, three weeks later kneeling next to his bed where he lay still. An oxygen mask on his face so his vitals remained stable. You didn't know if he was going to live, but maybe if you just talked to him he could hear you. After all, most people hear a lot of things in their sleep.

"I know I should be training right now master Rengoku, or Rengoku… I don't know what you want me to call you at this point. Since everyone was so insistent that I put master before your last name, but you wanted me to just call you Rengoku. But that doesn't matter right now, hell I don't know what matters to me anymore now that my training is halted. Now that you're sick and there's nothing I can do. I'm sorry, I wish I had noticed sooner…" You held your head in shame, the guilt burning your heart and mind with intrusive thoughts but you knew you couldn't let them win. So you turned to prayer instead, as Gyomei always preached to pray on things whenever it gets tough. Holding Rengoku's hand, which by now was cooler than usual in temperature, you struggled to find the words to say.

"Look, I don't know who's listening right now… but the man that I'm holding hands with needs your help. He's ill and he hasn't woken up for weeks. I can't let him die, I can't do anything without him. Life feels so empty without him, like I've lost such an important part of myself. I just need you to help him, do something, anything for this man that I hold so dearly in my heart. Even if it's something small, I want to be able to tell him I love him. That I care about him so deeply that it keeps me up at night. How it drives me to do my best every fucking waking day. I love him and I don't want to lose him, for mine and his betterment. I just want him to get better or even just wake up. So… if you're out there, please please please give me a sign you'll help him. Show me a sign, I don't want to lose him… please I'm begging you…" you felt the tears run down your face and neck as your head rested on the mattress.

It was silent for a few minutes, then minutes turned into an hour and you were slowly but surely losing hope. Then you noticed that his hand began to feel warm. Not by a grand amount but it was definitely much warmer than it was before. You grasped his hand again, silently hoping that another sign would come around. Then you felt the blanket shuffle a bit, he was finally moving. Looking up at him you saw his eyes half lidded and looking right at you. A weak smile adorned his face as his eyes bore into your mind. "M-master Rengoku? Can you hear me?" You asked him, desperate for an answer. He pulled off the oxygen mask and set it off to the side, taking in fresh air that wasn't from a tank. He looked at your disheveled and frail form, almost like he was longing for something. Or maybe he was longing for you.

"How many times have I told you to just call me Rengoku? Now come here my tsuguko, before anyone else has the chance to embrace me." With an unspoken amount of force he pulled you to him, pulling you into a hug that you gratefully returned. "I heard your prayer, you know…" oh… he heard your prayer. "I've got to say, I had no idea you harbored such feelings for me. If only I had known…" He pet your hair to comfort you from the idea that he almost died. You looked up at his red and golden eyes, they shone brightly in the golden hour light of the evening sun.

"W-what do you mean? I'm not denying the prayer at all. But that last part? Are you suggesting something?" You inquired, wanting to know more that was in your master's mind. He merely smiled and sat up, inviting you to sit on the edge of the bed. "Master please, I want to understand what you meant." You pleaded with him, making him chuckle a bit.

"Goodness, you're always so eager to get down to the truth my tsuguko. I'll tell you more about it later, but for now… I should focus on my recovery, I'll most likely be on bedrest for a bit so you're more than welcome to drop by my quarters if you wish to see me. Does that sound good?" You simply nodded in response. There was nothing else that could be said.

"I'm just gonna go get a nurse. That sound good to you, uh, Rengoku?" It felt weird calling him that. Moreover it felt a little wrong.

"Yes, that's fine. Thank you (Y/N)..." He put the oxygen mask back on, clearly having trouble breathing. So you went out, got Shinobu to tell her that Rengoku was finally awake, and went to wait outside of the room. You don't know what happened to him after that, but you knew for a fact that he was going to be okay.

Another week went by and you're sitting with Rengoku in his room at the hashira headquarters. Here you guys talked about practically anything and everything. Life, food, hobbies, just simple things that normal people would talk about. Although there was one thing you couldn't avoid any longer. "Um, Rengoku… can we talk about something a little more serious for a second?" You asked, watching the flame hashira with intent. He looked up from whatever he was reading, flashing his famous smile of course.

"Absolutely, what's on your mind my tsuguko?" God his voice is just captivating… maybe a little too captivating. You knew having a crush was hard but you didn't think it'd be this hard. "Little flame, don't go blank on me now. What's on your mind?" Oh lord that nickname was perfect. You shook the thoughts away for a second and cleared your throat.

"Remember when you fell into that three week coma, when I kneeled next to you and prayed for your recovery? And I kinda let my feelings for you slip out in said prayer?" You asked, feeling almost timid at the idea of even mentioning it. He put his book to the side and turned your way.

"Well, yes I distinctly remember that. Which I suppose is rather strange given my state at the time… is this about that last bit that you had asked me about?" You could only nod in response, averting your gaze away from his. "Well, with that said… I too, um…" He struggled to find the words to say, looking around at anything other than you.

"Hey, don't be scared. I'm not going to judge you. You know me too well to know I wouldn't be offended at anything you have to say to me." You said, gently using the tips of your fingers on his jaw to have him face you, cupping his cheek in your palm. Something that he did for you since you started training with him so he could ease any anxiety you may have felt. "And hey, if you can't find the words to say, just show me what you mean. I trust you." At the mention of those words, Rengoku took your hand from his face gently and kissed the top of it.

"If you insist, my flame…" He spoke softly, his face getting closer and closer with each passing second. And then, as if it were a daydream, your lips collided for a mere few seconds before he broke away. “I, well, I too share the same feelings for you. And I know it might be rather unprofessional, but I can’t help but admit to it now. So I apologize for my dishonesty-" You cut him off with another kiss, effectively taking him aback but he ultimately gave into his desires. Cupping your face in his hands he tried closing the distance even more, tilting his head to make it even more intimate. You snaked your arms around his neck, wanting to be even closer even though you're basically on top of him. He pulled away to get some air, chuckling a bit as he did so. "Well, I see that the feeling is mutual?"

"Yes, very mutual indeed. Now, do you want to make this official so it feels less awkward when I call you by your last name? Or, do you want to keep things professional so I have to use formals?" You joked, smiling into yet another kiss that was tenderly placed on your lips. This time Rengoku's hands moved to your waist, softly pressing you into his chest.

"I will gladly take that first option, my sunflower." He finalized after he broke the kiss. "You know, you do take away the breath of even the mightiest of hashiras right?" He smiled as he spoke, which in turn makes you redder than the tips of his hair. He laughed heartily at this, pulling you in for a hug. "My goodness, is someone embarrassed?"

"I-I don't know what you're talking about!" You muttered into his shoulder, wrapping your arms under his shoulder blades to hug him tighter. However, although you were embarrassed, you felt great relief knowing that he feels the same way about you. Relief knowing that you guys will be together for as long as either of you allow it.

Relief that your prayer worked, and he's alive.

......

I was really hesitant to post this but fuck it we ball-

Hope you guys enjoyed! Super wholesome and SFW too! Let me know what you want to see next!

[keithbutgay]

17, 26 & 42?

17 -> someone you miss

26 -> biggest pet peeve

42 -> last thing i ate

someone i miss...

okay so this is weird but bear with me---

i had this friend, and we were really close from like preschool to fifth grade (we had hebrew school together, so we saw each other twice a week. we were both equal amounts of insufferable which i suppose is why we got along but anyways)

in sixth grade or so she moves pretty far away, so she didn't go to my school anymore but she wasn't far enough away that i couldn't visit her every so often

um

but then i came out as trans and her mom cut me off from her. and they moved across the country. and now i have no way of ever talking to her again. in fact, i tried to talk to her once, over a social media app that we both used that her mom had forgotten about but then i checked for her account one day and it was just. gone

anyways

this was such a long answer but

i hope she's doing well

and i guess if you're out there then. um. hi it's me

anyways i should probably like. move on lol

biggest pet peeve. you know i'm honestly not that sure. i mean idk if this counts it just makes me upset when i have something that i need and people will like. jokingly take if away from me? but i guess that's not as much of a pet peeve as just like. people sucking. so...

anyway i'm not actually sure what constitutes a pet peeve. when. idk. people touch me randomly and without asking? that's not great

anyways last thing i ate was a chicken skewer :)

[mbakuetshurisprincess]

The Only Logical Thing to Do Sneak Peak

AN: Hey y’all! This is a little snippet from the scandal based fic I’m working on. I did indeed spill water all over my laptop so this is coming live from my phone. I hope you all enjoy this sneak peek! No idea when the full thing will be done lol.

Summary: Sometimes you have to apply the US Constitution to your love life. Separation of Church and State was a good thing, right? 

Pairing: Shuri x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Cursing, political talk, idk

Word count: 601

Suggested listening: Love and Happiness - Al Green 

“Love and happiness, yeah Something that can make you do wrong Make you do right Yeah, hmm Love... Love and happiness��

The sound of your work phone buzzing pulled you out of your trance, you flipped it over and read the caller ID.

Unknown Caller

The anonymity of the call didn’t surprise you, this was DC after all, people weren’t too keen on sharing information.

“You have two minutes before I hang up the phone, go.” You spoke coolly, time was money and wasting it on the phone wasn’t something you planned on doing today.  

“You haven’t been answering my calls.”

You threw your head back and let out a sigh, who else would be calling you.

“I have told you a thousand times you cannot call my work phone.” That was all you said before hanging up on the person. You reached into the back of your desk drawer and pulled out your kimoyo beads. As you got them on your wrist you scrolled through your contacts and pressed Shuri’s name. The call rang for a few seconds before Shuri picked up, her holographic body appearing in front of you.

“Hanging up on the Queen of a nation is an interesting political move on the part of the White House I must admit.” Shuri spoke with a smirk.

You didn’t even give her the satisfaction of looking up from your notes that were spread in front of you. “Shuri, I do not have time for your games today.”

She rolled her eyes at your words, unsatisfied with the amount of attention you were giving her. “What are you doing?”

You shook your head and laughed slightly. “My job, I’m doing my job right now. As one tends to do when they’re at their place of work.”

Shuri took that as a cue to continue with what she had called you about. “Your job right, I forgot. The same job that made you lie to me?”

That caught your attention, momentarily bringing your focus away from your notes. “Shuri, what are you talking about?” You looked up, meeting her eyes.  

“When I called you last week and asked you if your country,” She put emphasis on the ‘your’ “was going to continue their support of France, knowing they’re the ones carrying out attacks on our Outreach Centers. You told me no.”

You pushed your eyes back down to your desk, of course this is what Shuri wanted to discuss.

“That is not what I said.”

“Really? Because that’s what I took from our conversation. And then imagine my surprise when I’m made aware that my Y/N is on American television saying the opposite!” She spoke the last part almost comically but you could hear the twinge of irritation in her voice.

You rolled your eyes and placed your palms flat on your desk. Her berating isn’t what you needed right now. “The relationship between France and the United States is one with a long history of mutual support dating back to the formation of the United States-”

“Oh don’t give me that Y/N!” Shuri threw her hands up in protest. “Don’t give me your politically correct answer!”

“Then don’t twist my words!” You raised your voice and mimicked her by throwing your hands up. You quickly remembered you were at work, and while yelling was common you didn't want to draw any attention to yourself while you were communicating with Shuri. “I told you last week I didn't know and that’s the truth, nothing about it has come up in my notes.”

“But today you said-” You put your hand up to stop Shuri from finishing.

“Church and state.” Was all you had to say to get Shuri to stop speaking.

[thatonelightyear]

HI, YOU ARE 'BUILT' THEORY PERSON, YES? SIT. HAVE TEA. i HAVE MANY QUESTION...

Mkay but no seriously, some genuinely curious questions:

-When built, are the vehicles small/-er versions of themselves that grow into adults, or are they grown adults from the getgo?

-Are built vehicles' ages based off of the date they were manufactured? (I ask this in tandem with the above because I'm curious about how they would treat such things as childhood, ageing, and coming *of* age)

-Are there any parts of the built machines that are organic/semi-organic as to do stuff (ie eating/drinking)?

-What causes a vehicle to end up being built? Is it relative to two parents deciding "hey let's get a kid" and then their respective company creating one, or is it a more company, or god forbid government controlled "we make X amount of vehicles and they just go to homes and go out in the world".

-If they are already adults from the date of manufacture, do they just...instantly move into a garage somewhere? What constitutes as family to them, if they have any? Model similarities, company relations? Found family exclusively?

This list could probably be WAY bigger but I don't want to totally overload you any more lol. This is just a really interesting concept and perspective I've almost never dabbled in and I'm genuinely curious how these things might work through the built theory's lens.

I appreciate you reading this text wall btw :')

OMG ive never had such a long ask before aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa tysm :DDDD ahem now down to business

When built, are the vehicles small/-er versions of themselves that grow into adults, or are they grown adults from the getgo?

Ans: I personally headcanon that both versions would exist - that there are smaller versions that grow into adult frames, and that there are adult cars that roll straight off the production line (i hc that lightning is one of these cars, just manufactured then put on the track) but by and large cars manufactured at adult age tend to be a lot fewer than having children?? baby?? cars that grow up

Are built vehicles' ages based off of the date they were manufactured?

Yes I suppose so - but it really depends because from what I've seen in the Carsverse age seems to be a more fluid matter that doesn't nearly have as much impact on their lives? Case in point Lizzie who is literally a hundred years old and still kicking. Coming of age, ageing and childhood really depends from a car to car basis, maybe the families they were raised in, their personal preferences etc - tho obviously those cars who are small would *have* a childhood I'm more inclined to believe that adult cars - from the earlier point - don't nearly get this privillege

Are there any parts of the built machines that are organic/semi-organic as to do stuff

Nope. I believe in this world everything is just like the cars and vehicles in our world, and therefore the stuff they consume would probably depend on what kind of vehicle they are and therefore what fuel they will need. The 'food' is all fuel that has a changed appearance. Race cars don't normally ingest these foods because, well, their prime function is to race and the foods, however much they may be fuel-based, will never be the premium stuff needed to run a high performance engine smoothly

What causes a vehicle to end up being built? Is it relative to two parents deciding "hey let's get a kid" and then their respective company creating one, or is it a more company, or god forbid government controlled "we make X amount of vehicles and they just go to homes and go out in the world".

In Cars 1 Mack has a line that says 'thank the manufacturer you're alive' when he finds Lightning in RS, and so based off this- the Cars world has manufacturers and factories that manufacture the sentient cars, the nitty gritty details aren't known to the general population which is why they never really question it, it's just that they have manufacturers, and the sentient cars roll off the production line and thats that. Of course couples can opt to adopt one of these cars from any manufacturer (this would probably explain the differences in make and model in Carsverse families better imo)

If they are already adults from the date of manufacture, do they just...instantly move into a garage somewhere? What constitutes as family to them, if they have any? Model similarities, company relations? Found family exclusively?

Yep. I'd think that the companies settle them with a place somewhere and then good luck to you way out there!! They'll have no family, sad to say, and the first few years will get preetty lonely. Found family only ftw (might explain Lightning's whole... personality from this headcanon above lol)

Wow thats done :D was fun answering YIPEE feel free to send more anytime!!! (hopefully all my ramblings made sense. uh.) also would like to credit @whipplefilter and @the-kings-tail-fin since its from their stories that I literally got the basis of all this and like yeah :)

[aroaceofthesea]

Ok so today was kinda crazy over here (in barcelona) so here's a bit of an explanation of what happened bc i have nothing better to do: (apparently its been in the news in quite a few places outside spain too but like most of the articles were wildly in favor of spain on this so this is like. what it looks like from the other side. some context and then what happened and some personal commentary lol)

Ok so Catalunya is a part of Spain that for a long time has been oppressed so a considerable amount of people want independence. In fact it has always been a very important factor when voting etc for some people even more than right wing or left wing (we used to have nothing like your republican party here now there is but thats not the point)

Ok so today's drama actually started on 2017 the 1st of october. The democratically elected catalan government for once kept their promises and organized a referendum to see if the majority wanted independece or not, even though the spanish government declared it illegal

Anyways a lot of shit went down, a lot of police brutality and an overwhelming 97% yes (though thats mostly bc the people against independence were generally against the referendum and didn't vote but that's on them) then the government declared independence like a week or so later (then they took it back after 8 seconds💀)

Okay so then like 1 hour after that the spanish government applied an article from the constitution (which has been around since the dictator which most people in power were supporters of died) that allowed them to override the democratically elected government and put whoever they chose in power which you know. very democratic thing to do (the party the spanish president was from had literally 8 of 135 representatives in catalunya just so you get an idea)

Anyways eventually they judged the representatives in the democratic government and it was clear they were going to get a lot of jail time. Some of them stayed here and got up to 9 years of jail i think it was? but some of them didn't want to risk this and also recognition from other countries mattered a lot to us at the moment so they went to different european countries each. Spanish judges of course sent euroorders which basically is they judge them in that country and decide if they should send them back

Off the top of my head, they've been in belgium, the uk, switzerland, denmark, finland, austria and germany and they were found not guilty in each. of. them. however meanwhile the ones who stayed got so many years of jail..... sus huh

Anyways that was many years ago during this time the president at the time traveled around those countries, became a MEP (he was in the eu parliament) and got immunity then gave that up to be in the catalan parliament this spring

And like, all these years the big campaign for his political party was like okok i promise this time im not lying uwu hes really gonna come back this time and it was always a lie but like this time apparently it wasnt :)

So today was the day they were supposed to vote for the new president, and he was supposed to vote bc he was elected etc anyways they were like not clickbait!! he's really coming this time!! Go protest in front of the parliament for when they detain him!!

And ok so the protest was supposed to start at 8am but until like 9am nothing happened then they were like everyone welcome the president!! And the motherfucker appeared in front of everyone (this man was supposed to be arrested like. the minute he set foot in spain) and gave a speech like oh im back they will probably detain me today but dont let that stop you blahblahblah anyways eventually they were like ok make a path and let's all bring the president to the parliament together!! (this guy will always be president in our hearts)

So anyways we created this path they came etc we all knew they werent going to detain him then but we were all kinda hoping they would bc it was better than them detaining him later and all the members of his party went through there all the cameras etc except. it was just a decoy

So no one knew this except probably the members of his party and the 3 or 4 ppl that helped him escape but the man just. disappeared like legit no one knows where he is yet

And like at first it was weird like i havent seen him but i must have missed him and thats it right? except it was this for everyone but still it seemed like a conspiracy theory yet when we talked about him maybe having left anyways the police didnt even know something was wrong until the session started and the guy just. wasn't there. after giving a speech in front of everyone in front of the parliament

Anyways who knows what happened and in what order but we kept protesting they arrested a policeman who had helped the president escape with his car, they even activated the fucking terrorist protocol and started what's apparently called operation cage where they just. Check every single car (including the trunk bc they are traumatized by a joke that last time he left it was on the trunk of a car) coming in or out of the city and in or out of the country. Read that again. The terrorist protocol for a politician from 7 years ago on an 8 of august around 11 am causing massive retentions fucking everywhere at infinite degrees celsius (idk who looks more like a terrorist in here man)

And like. What they wanna judge him for isn't even legal now? Like a couple years ago they approved a law that idk exactly what it said but basically if they hadn't kept the money for themselves it wasnt a crime (and yes it was retroactive) but the judges decided that since their capital hadn't decreased bc of it then it had obviously increased (it didnt it just. stayed the fucking same) so yeah they could still obviously go after him

Anyways i hope he makes it out of the country and gets the fucking pleasure to mock the entire country laugh at their faces as he somehow makes it out once again

Puta espanya i visca catalunya thanks for reading lol

[sneezemonster15]

i can totally understand why young girls would ship SS in the early-mid 2000’s. it was so easy to self-insert. take me for example, i was a young child with an unrequited crush on a popular boy and a total loser. i projected hard. she started getting on my nerves really quick tho. by the time i figured out how to watch shippuden (it was only available online in my country) i could no longer stand her. i know many people grew out of that ship as they matured themselves and realized just how bad it was, but i seriously don’t understand how so many of the og fans are still around, reveling in scraps given to them only in the form of non-canon material. it’s so embarrassing. and knowing that so many grown ass women cling to that nasty ship as if their lives depend on it makes me squirm in discomfort.

Wait I am confused. This person was a boy or a girl?

I think I understand. I know for a fact that there are many SNS fans who once were SS shippers. But they grew up and took responsibility for how they consumed media, which happens when a certain amount of self awareness sinks in..with time and experience..internally processing data received from the external world, which as a result, sharpens your intuition. Which then directly affects how you view and then process further external data. Data gathered from real life and media.

I suspect that many SS/NH shippers who are insanely delusional about their ship are simply operating on emotions. Think about the kind of arguments they give others. They know what constitutes canon, what doesn't. They know SNS is legit, it's all fucking there. They know SS is bullshit, they know Kishi mocks Sakura and SS like no one's business (like honestly, who's asking him to do it? Really what obligation is he under? This otherwise humble, quietly intelligent, kinda goofy, a bit childlike and deeply introspective at the same time, and frankly kinda mousy man, says such blatantly snarky and downright insulting shit about his own characters as if he ain't the author who is freaking writing them that way in the first place. Lol, no really, Kishi is a bundle of contradictions himself.) Lol.

But coming back, I really do struggle sometimes to find the right tone to talk about SS stans or address them. I suspect internet and anonymity gives them a free rein to exercise fulfilment of desires indiscriminately. They can behave however they want, believe whatever makes them happy and no one gets to destroy that as long as they are fulfilled. Numbers help. Stans give and receive validation from their peers. Whatever external validation they need to keep believing in SS ship, despite everything that negates it in canon, they get from others in their ship and they give validation to them in return. A sense of community builds. There's strength in numbers. And so dogmas and headcanons acquire a semblance of truth for them, through this very effective echo chamber, it fortifies their wacky theories and headcanons and they sheath themselves deliberately from reason, or anything that threatens to question their beliefs/belief systems that serve the object of their self comfort, desire, fulfilment. Their beliefs are really emotional in nature, you can't fight emotions, and internet gives them a platform to experience those emotions. Age doesn't matter if one isn't self aware. Lots of old people are shitty. Of course, I don't support enabling it but I guess I understand it a bit. Because I also get emotional here. I feel much more free to experience my raw emotions without trying to camouflage it too much. I reasoned with myself soon after joining this fandom, my first fandom, that here, I was a fan first, so I shouldn't judge myself too harshly for my opinions and understanding. A lot of which is way more emphatic compared to how much I would let it show it IRL. Media, stories and art have that effect on people.

And I feel conflicted sometimes. But well, the same reason exculpates me as well. I can be emotional and talk about them freely because this is a fandom and we are all here because of the same story that affected all of us. The only difference is we are insecure about different things. Lol.

Which is why I make it a point to not interact with them, because I know I would lose my patience with them much sooner than I with other people I don't generally agree with.

I understand why women do it. Even if I cannot relate with Sakura. So I vent on this platform while not actively engaging them.

But at the end of day, I feel everyone should expect so much more from themselves because more than anything else, Sakura's and Hinata's characters by design are so limited. Like I know it's all tied up with their self esteem, or its lack thereof, but at least don't glorify something that makes you this limited and miserable. Don't tell me it's better than everything else and is the best thing in the world because it is not. It is so small, So cheap. Such a piddling thing, so reductive and limiting and humiliating. Why project on those two? You should expect so much better from yourself. Like why can't you dream bigger at least in your imagination? Where you can have everything or anything you want, and nothing gives you a better opportunity to do that than media, but you choose the most limiting of all things and characters? Isn't it suffocating and painful? Well, in any case, just don't glorify it, turning a blind eye to facts and then gaslight me for my stuff. That's not acceptable. Even if I know where you are coming from, don't justify it. It gives the wrong impression to others, especially other women, who have enough odds stacked against them already for you to jump in on the bandwagon too, and being women yourselves no less, it's humiliating for both of us.

They use their emotions as a free ticket to say and do things indiscriminately, without thought and honesty. Cultivating emotions (and sharing them) should enrich you and help you grow, not make you regress even more.

[twilightofthe]

writing patterns tag game

Rules: list the first line of your last 10 (posted) fics and see if there's a pattern!

tagged by @loosingmoreletters thank youuuu but i feel bad i haven’t star warsed on main really since the depression diagnosis which has been a few years so the first 4 fics aren’t even SW ;_; Also i put some of my parts from our collab fics to make me feel better about only having published/updated two (2) solo things within the last couple of years xD

Ok but here goes:

1. It’s just after midnight and Wei Ying is mournfully attempting to wash away his blue balls under the tepid-instead-of-cold shower head.

2. Blacking out after summoning however many the fuck demons who live in your head into the living realm does not always last for long, because blacking out means means you’re retreating inside your head where the demons run amok and they really make shitty company for any extended period of time, so sooner rather than later you end up dragging yourself back to consciousness just to avoid them.

3. The thing about being dead is that it’s a very distinct sensation, putting things if not lightly then the only possible way to put them because how does one explain the feeling of death to someone who has never experienced it before?

4. “Hmm…”

5. After two weeks of traveling at sublight with only the distant, unforgiving stars and his own dwindling sanity for comfort, the far-off, twinkling gem of a planet through the viewport would almost be enough to make Obi-Wan cry if crying didn’t take energy.

6. The first time it happens can be blamed on Anakin’s love of questionable quality holofilms.

7. Whenever Anakin thought about maybe changing his mind on his shift-form, he always reminded himself of the massive amounts of hair over the furniture shed from Obi Wan and Ahsoka alone, and how he was more than happy to not add to it.

8. Considering what had happened the last time he was there, Din Djarin hadn’t planned to set foot in the same star system as Tatooine anytime soon, let alone on the planet itself.

9. Anakin was having a shitty day.

10. Trace doesn’t know how long it had been exactly since Ahsoka left them when the galaxy fell apart.

.

Ok, that’s the past 10! What i realize from them is that firstly, I’m an absolute run-on sentence whore and proud of it lol. Secondly, I internalized WAY too much paranoia about what constitutes a good hook because all of these read like “omg please be drawn in PLEASE be drawn in”. Like they’re not bad, but I can recognize myself and my intentions in my words and I see my eagerness. It’s kind of sweet.

Secondly, I realize that I do really miss Star Wars, but i think a combination of pandemic, a sudden depression diagnosis, and some unpleasant interactions ended up like. Tainting my memories of writing from that era and making it really hard to come back. Plus now I’ve got a newer hyperfixation and i keep reading a bunch of fic for it and stalking people’s tumblr blogs but also doing zero creation of anything to participate. I’ve gotten into some other fandoms in the past two years that make up the first four fics on the list, but even then it’s been hard to publish things that haven’t just been gift fics for my friends, jokes i can take a little less seriously, and collabs that make me less anxious as there’s numbers involved. I really do miss writing though. Like I’m a p decent writer I think, of course I’ve got much to improve, but reading through this and it is NOT as bad as I thought it would be, it’s good! But I wish I hadn’t abandoned so many sw fics, people have been so NICE, and it just feels like I’ve let them down. But I can’t even remember my original ending plans for so much of it and Disney continuing to leech all the joy and energy out of the series hasn’t helped either. But I am still insisting that I’ll be back one day. I will.

[thee-morrigan]

Hi!! 7, 22, 30 & 52 for any ship you want to talk about, for the otp ask💜

several ships it is! :D

7. Would they build a pillow fort together just because? I think the only ones who would build a pillow fort together (or at least bc they’re both independently interested in a pillow fort) are Del and Felix. It would probably be hella elaborate, too, since Del’s background is in engineering. She absolutely draws pillow fort schematics.

As far as who would build a pillow fort and bully their partner into joining them? Petra. Petra has totally built a pillow fort and made Ava participate. I imagine the conversation goes something like this:

“If you’re gonna be my girlfriend, you have to do girlfriend things.” “And building a makeshift tent in your living room constitutes ‘girlfriend things’?” “Fort. And yes, that’s like, girlfriend things 101.” “This does not remotely resemble a fort.” “O-kay, if you’re so well-versed in forts then you build it.”

(in case it’s not super obvious, Ava builds her a pillow fort. And takes it way too seriously.)

22. What reminds each of their partner? I’m gonna do this one for Leila and Morgan. Something that reminds Morgan of Leila: the scent of murphy’s (lol) oil soap. Leila uses it to clean her paintbrushes — she almost always has a few freshly washed ones out to dry, so her kitchen often smells faintly of that soap. So really just the diluted smell of oranges, I guess, since that’s largely what the soap smells like. Something that reminds Leila of Morgan: the stars. especially during all those weeks she stayed at the warehouse, whenever she couldn’t sleep (not infrequent, unfortunately), she’d end up hanging out on the roof with Morgan, sometimes talking, sometimes not. so she spent a fair amount of time staring at the night sky. and, because Leila is nothing if not a hopeless romantic at heart, she started thinking about the shared qualities between Morgan and the night sky — a little mysterious, bright in spots because of the sharp contrast of the surrounding dark, and something that offers her a sense of calm and tranquility.

30. Your OTP gets to pick out each other's outfits; what is each wearing? Okay, I can’t resist doing this for Wren and Julia because I feel like they would both kinda be dicks about it. Like, Ortega would be thrilled for the opportunity to get Wren to wear something that a) isn’t at least three sizes too big and b) doesn’t look like she stole it from a lost-and-found box. Conversely, Wren would either take advantage of the chance to get Julia to wear something that doesn’t cost more than her rent OR would offer her like, orthopedic shoes while making a joke about them being appropriate for Ortega’s advanced age. (Their love language is just being affectionate assholes to each other, honestly.)

52. Describe their weekend getaway? Aaaand I’ll do this one for Holland and Nate bc I’ve actually had this headcanon idea kicking around for awhile and I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it on here! We’re also making it a long weekend, because I can (and because travel time).

For background: Holland lived in Boston for college and grad school (she may have been postponing moving back to Wayhaven just a bit), and she really loved it. So, at some point, she would absolutely want to take Nate for a tour of her favorite places. I’m thinking:

catching the commuter rail to Providence one afternoon/evening for Waterfire

wandering around mt auburn cemetery

the mckim building at the boston public library (because it’s pretty, but also bc Holland would want to take Nate to the map room tea lounge)

walking along the charles

Also, Boston has SO many cool museums and Walden Pond is nearby, so I think it’s a weekend trip that Nate would enjoy for more than just the Holland Lore (tm).

otp asks

[kafus]

how do each of them self soothe, what would constitute a good day for them, what's something that makes them irrationally angry

i didn't see this because i was asleep!! AAA i'm on my computer now and can answer TY FOR ASKING AGAIN i love an excuse to talk about my girls

how do each of them self soothe

so kaf is autistic in my AU and this somewhat informs her self soothing choices. she's very much a "needs a quiet and alone activity" sort of person when she's had a long day at work, with or without quiet music depending on the mood. knitting and reading are both active hobbies for her (she's into fantasy and typical YA type stuff but she actively dislikes romance in books most of the time so it can take her some time to find stuff she likes with tolerable amounts of romantic themes lol) and she also has a habit of taking really long baths because they relax her adsfksafd

as for kafu she doesn't really have the same emotional regulation problems as people do. not that she doesn't experience distress because she does (and later on in their lives she develops even more complex stress cycles and responses. perhaps unfortunately LOL in which case her coping might mirror a human a little more) but her stress isn't something that, for lack of better words rn i'm tired, "sits in her body." she doesn't really need to decompress in the typical sense because her body does not get worked up with her brain and once her stress is "solved" it doesn't really linger. the best thing kafu can do when she's in distress is to talk it out. (sometimes if she's struggling to process things, she can resemble a person going into a dissociative trance, but that's just because all of her literal processing power is being funneled to her metaphorical brain and she isn't using it for her body movements lol)

and just because there's a cute story to go along with this, as for acute stressors, like coping with something short-term in the moment, both of them will rhythmically tap their knee or drum their fingers on a surface. kaf just does this naturally as a stress response and kafu was confused by why she did it, and after kaf explained she started mirroring the behavior. it's not that it's intrinsically soothing for her, but it reminds her of kaf and she associates it with calm because of her... so it ends up letting her clear her head anyhow.

2. what would constitute a good day for them

ohh good question. kaf likes to feel like she gets something done everyday, she hates feeling like she's just sitting around and she hates taking days off from work. as much as she needs her alone time, it's also frustrating for her when she's late to finishing something she planned, or isn't ambitious with her job. i think a good day for her would be one where she gets stuff done at work, but not to the point where it's totally exhausting so she can chill out at home without Coping being part of the equation

as for kafu she's extremely curious about people and the world and if she learns something new, that's a good day for her. even later in the story where androids are a normal part of society and she can participate in society, she's a lot less interested in her own personal ambitions and more into supporting other people and just fulfilling her endless curiosity about everything. the more she knows about her human peers the better!

3. what's something that makes them irrationally angry

kaf doesn't have an angry bone in her body and it would be extremely difficult to push her to the point of irrational anger. she's a lot more likely to turn anything that would be anger at others in on herself. that being said she can uncharacteristically yell or get very angry if anyone were to push her buttons while in an autistic meltdown and there's a whole thing later in life where kafu is judged by her android peers for not wanting to upgrade her body to something more realistic (she keeps the prototype body more or less) and depending on the severity that can really piss her off, too, since that's her girlfriend! oh and admittedly she'd be the type of person to see shitty music opinions on twitter and get really irritated (though never start actually arguing with people, more like start complaining to kafu about some dumb shit on the internet while scrolling her phone on the couch LOL)

i think kafu is actually often confused by anger, including her own. to her it doesn't make sense because all problems should have solutions and if there's a solution, anger doesn't seem like a productive or reasonable response. and she's aware that sometimes emotions don't make sense or are irrational, but since anger is most likely to cause damage to the people around you, i think it makes the least sense to her. but kafu develops very strong morals and cares so much about others and the world, she's very much pissed off with the problems in society and the government and also discrimination. girl is an activist-type even if only in her personal life - she's not capable of crying but she would be the type to cry over the news. i think if kafu witnessed a hate crime irl she would commit violence against the perpetrator on sight

sorry if any of these answers were kinda messy i'm tired and rusty on talking about kafu's brain functions in particular LOL

[purplesurveys]

1874

bonesofivory All questions from the Loaded Questions game

What is not worth all the money in the world? Troll farms, I guess? They're so toxic and annoying. And unfortunately a big part of the circles I'm part of...it's in local politics, it's in K-pop... they're just very exhausting to see.

What would make for a ridiculous new national holiday? I'd answer this more seriously and go for a holiday that's in recognition of politicians I hate. I would rather go to work.

What would cause you to give a child a "time out"? If they mess with strangers. I'm in Vietnam right now and the amount of kids who have randomly decided to mess with us while we quietly walked around... I'm not gonna name-drop any nationality lmao but it was so stressful and very disorienting.

What is something you would want to do every day? Travel, like what I've been doing the past week.

What word or phrase do you overuse? I'm guilty of replying with "does it?" "do they?" "is it?" "are they?" etc etc when someone tells a fact or a simple statement haha. It's a habit I picked up from my ex.

If you were in jail, whom would you want for your cellmate? Hans because I know he can humor his way to getting us out asap.

If you owned a nightclub, what would you call it? I'm not nearly creative enough to come up with a good idea to this.

What image should be next to the word "extraordinary" in a dictionary? BTS.

On what TV show would you make a perfect guest star? No clue.

How do you know when you're having a bad day? I'd feel a bit suicidal. Like I would think I'm much better off disappearing and not burdening people anymore.

Where is a terrible place to fall asleep? Somewhere hot and humid with insects around. Idk what exact 'place' but those are definitely conditions I'd be uncomfortable with.

What would constitute a bad neighbor? If they have loud and whiny kids that they let be.

How do you think you'll celebrate your 100th birthday? I'm not hoping to live that long, but if I do, I just hope I'm celebrating it in wealth and comfort lol.

Which television family is most like your own family? Whichever the most dysfunctional family is. Maybe Fresh off the Boat? Hahahaha.

What would make you turn off the TV immediately? Realistically – if there's a crisis/emergency at work. Haha. I go on lockdown and go on full boss mode until everything is resolved.

What would significantly change the mood right now? I'd so go back out right now and bask in my final night in Vietnam if everything just didn't close by 10 PM.

What is the most impressive thing you can make? Most stuff I'm proud of is things I've written.

How are you planning on changing your life for the better? Just having more empathy and sympathy, something I'm actively working towards since for the most part I've had a very nonchalant personality and mostly goal-driven. I've been lacking when it comes to thinking of others, but now that I'm leading an entire team at work I've had more opportunities to practice being more empathetic. That life is not about deadlines and like, just because I'm competitive or a people pleaser doesn't mean I should pass off that internal pressure to others.

What is the most creative thing you have done recently? Not sure about that.

When is having very little of something actually a good thing? Being on vacation/traveling. Personally, it becomes a lot more fun when you don't really have a set itinerary that you have to follow and just go with the flow. That's what we've done in our time in Vietnam so far and it's been more of a blast this way.

What do you wish took a shorter amount of time to accomplish? Powerpoints/decks. I get so stressed when I'm making them because you want to make sure they're both substantial in info AND creative.

If your birthday became a national holiday, how would you celebrate it? A massive K-pop party, hehe. And a bunch of street food stalls lined up in one long street.

What is something five out of five doctors can agree on? Smoking kills.

What would be a strange gift to give at a baby shower? A toolbox, maybe...? HAHA

What is a terrible thing to stuff a turkey with on Thanksgiving? I'm not so sure tbh. I've never had turkey and don't celebrate Thanksgiving. Chocolate maybe?? What's the verdict on chocolate in turkey, guys? Hahaha

What inexpensive thing would you love to receive as a present? Ointment. My crampy Asian ass will always appreciate ointment.

If Columbus discovered today's America, what might cause him to go back on his ship and sail away? ?

What is a terrible excuse for forgetting a loved one's birthday? Being too busy at work. Work is never that important for taking five seconds out of your day to greet someone.

If you had to give the same gift to everyone on your holiday list, what would you give? Something practical, like a small unisex bag or a phone holder.

What celebrity doesn't need a Halloween mask to look scary? That's pretty mean.

Upon blowing out the candles on your next birthday cake, what will you wish for? More money.

What present would you immediately re-gift? Not really into regifting.

If you could put a stop to one holiday tradition, what would it be? Like, not actually recognizing the purpose of holidays. In the Philippines, we have so many national holidays remembering national heroes, war events, etc (almost one a month!) but we just treat them as merely a day off work. I wish more effort can be placed in having initiatives that let us celebrate and honor the people/events we've set holidays for.

What do you have an abundance of and could share with others? Empty notebooks.

What information should not be communicated through text? Idk, I guess anything that involves thousands to millions of money lol.

What would you most like to find when going through your bag of Halloween treats? Anything peanut butter. :D

What have you done that would put you on Santa's naughty list? Always going over my goddamn budget for ANYTHING I set budgets for.

If you could interview the devil, what would be your first question? "What have I done that you'd most approve of?" maybe? As an eternal pleaser lmfao. Also so I can gauge the meanest I've gotten.

What kind of pet could someone have that would make you think that person is crazy? Anything that's illegal to own.

What road sign do you wish existed? "No e-bikes beyond this point."

[trinikins]

Hi! Searching for ideas (I'm writing a one shot myself about it and since it's my first time I don't know...how...to do things lol) I stumbled upon your post about the one shot on Rise of The Guardians, how did it go?

Hello! That's amazing, I hope you have lots of fun with your one shot!

I'm going to write under a cut, for spoilers and because I'm not sure how long this will be:

Story wise, I wound up killing most of the characters of the franchise, except for Pitch, and using mostly the setting of a world inhabited and protected by spirits and mythical creatures. So I used some concepts from the movie and books, from settings to... I don't know if I can call them species?, from that universe

In my story, I had to get rid of the Guardians so that so I could make my players into Guardians themselves, assigned in a last bid from The Man In The Moon to protect Earth from the rising thread of a corrupted Lunar Lama, and made for them some special tricks to use a couple times inspired by what they would be guarding. Also, to keep the feeling that they were pushed into that role without input from them, like Jack Frost, I was the one who assigned what they'd protect, based on the characters' personality and backstory

For encounters, I homebrewed the Nightmares (more reliant on strenght) and the Fearlings (equipped with some magic like arms of hadar) from the rotg universe for them to fight

Since it's an one shot, the path from the beggining to the end of the story was pretty linear, with a straightfoward story. What could vary, and help the players make choices that impact the story, was what paths they could take to go from point A to point B, each with different monsters for them to find, and used luck saves to determine how many they'd face

That's where I had some troubles with my own one shot, since they were very high level characters (I let them make level 18 PCs since it was an one shot and they'd face a character that would have been training for thousands of years to take on the universe), and I found it hard to balance the difficulty of the encounters. It also didn't help that they had pretty bad dice throws, and usually wound up fighting the most amount of nightmares/fearlings I had set for them. So I'd suggest keeping the encounters only a couple levels above the player's, with about 100 life points more than the PCs, except for the BBEG, who I made 5 levels above them (with extra magic uses) and about 1000 life points more than them (which might have been too much lol)

With that in mind, give them some rest time in the story só they can restore their magic slots and life points so they're not drained too much when they reach the BBEG. In my story, since they had to reach the moon to fight the Lunar Lama, I had them take a short rest on the trip (followed by another encounter), and had them find healing water in the palace that restored them all to full health and slots

I also had them complete a puzzle to get the ship to start for them, to vary a bot the sort of obstacle faced

All in all, the story had 3 little "arcs" with one or two encounters each:

Forest Arc - they had to cross the forest to reach the ship, having to choose to go left or right on a path bifurcation, fighting 1-5 fearlings or nightmares depending on what way they chose; then they had to start up the ship with a password obtained from solving a puzzle

Space Arc - they had a short rest on the trip to the moon, and had to choose whether to plough through an meteor chain created by the Lunar Lama to protect his claim on the moon (constitution svae), go over it (fight 1-5 fearlings), or go under it (fight 1-5 nightmares)

Palace Arc - they had to solve a riddle to enter the Moon Palace, and fight a mind controlled Pitch to reach the BBEG, who could give them full restoration health potions if freed/spared, or rhey cluld find those on him of they killed him and searched his body; and finally fight the BBEG

And I think this is what I had! What worked for me was create a story with a clear path to take, and try to fill it with choice possibilities and challenges for the players. It wound up lasting about 8h, and we divided it in two days, partly because we had some serious issues with just... not being able to hit anybody with the dice throws lol

I hope my ramblings helped, since I don't usually DM and went mostly by what felt right when making this one shot. But feel free to ask more questions or clarifications about the story or anything else, I'll be glad to help 🩷

[famousaft3rdeath]

another of my dead friends passes through, like a gentle hand grazing tall grasses.

i don't have much more to say about that. it doesn't feel real yet. i know how this goes. i won't be able to feel much until later.

i am fucking miserable. so nothing has changed.

i cut up my arm today rather than my legs. i don't really care who sees at this point. what are they going to do? i'm an adult. i make my own decisions. i am deciding, in sound mind and body (lol), to self-mutilate. it's a constitutional right or something. no one can really do anything. so why not let them see? who cares? i'm running out of space on my legs anyway.

not really, actually. maybe i just want someone to see. that's terrible. i really am doing it for attention. i truly just want someone to know i'm suffering, though. i shouldn't. i should take the high road and try and mask my suffering to the world and only let it out here, but i'm not noble enough for that. when i suffer, i shout it from the rooftops. i make my misery known to all. it's a terrible trait of mine. one of my least favorites. no matter how hard i try, i can't suffer in silence. i must drag everyone else down with me.

add it to the list of reasons i should die, i guess.

i haven't eaten or slept. i don't want to. i told my friends i'm feeling sick and don't feel like eating. not untrue. but they wont believe me for long. not sure what i'll do then. i'm committed to keeping it up this time, though. finally being in control of my weight. being small, thin, fragile. i've never wanted anything for longer than i've wanted to be thin. i just want to be valuable. right now i'm worthless. but if i can be small? then i'd be okay. small in more than one sense. physically, as in weighing an amount that isn't grossly underweight (guys don't like that) but definitely not approaching overweight. small in my personality, though, too. not laughing too loudly. not speaking until spoken to. reserved. beautiful. i've always been too much. i'm sick of it. it will change.

today i ate a salad (lettuce, corn, peas, carrots: absolutely no dressing), a grilled chicken breast, and a hard-boiled egg. i also had a 10 calorie celcius, which technically isn't in my diet, but the caffeine is worth it. i'm limiting myself to 1 per day, 10 calories maximum, and only if i have at least 8 cups of water as well. i think that's fair. they didn't have energy drinks when this diet was invented. probably. it's going fine so far. i'm hungry, but that's to be expected. i ate like a pig before. i'm really hoping to start seeing my body shrink soon. i need to work out more too. that will definitely help. i'll have to have an energy drink beforehand to get me through it, because i wouldn't want to get lightheaded and pass out. that would cause too many problems. can't have that. everything must go according to plan.

this is the first time i've given myself to just think. i've been trying to drown myself in work so that i don't get all sad when i have shit to do. i didn't get much done, ironically. it sucks, existing like this. just to carry on tomorrow. i really don't think i'll be content with anything anymore. that's a topic for a different day.

[springcatalyst]

Tell me about the end of Julian's world. What would constitute the end for him? How far can he be pushed before it all snaps? Can he live after the world ends? (either metaphorically or like. another apocalypse kinda thing)

also. how do you feel when you look at him and his life as a whole? What emotions does he invoke and what emotions does he define for you?

you are. an angel. bestie let me TELL you

The end of Julian's world... That is SUCH a good question. Because god,,, depending on how you look at it, he reached that breaking point. There was a point where he was pushed to the edge of what he could bear, where a thousand and one things accumulated on his shoulders until finally it was enough. But I can't call that an end for him, because that was the beginning of everything. Julian doesn't start at a beginning, he doesn't start his story with something that he comes from, something that makes him fall. He starts already fallen, already at the end, and we instead see the aftereffects.

I don't know how to convey how the beginning of his arc acts. Every other character starts with things lost, things that drive them, but Julian doesn't. He starts with something that was already present and had grown for years, something that finally shows its face. His 'beginning' feels like there's so much more that was before, so much so that this could be the end of the story, if only you started it sooner.

(I wrote a whole other thing here but it was actually fully not answering the question so let me redo lol.)

But in order for things to end lets assume that they haven't already. Let's avoid reading the whole story like an epilogue and ignore the weight of the beginning. Though, we can't really, because here's how I answer this question: Julian's end looks like the beginning.

He is so concerned with his personal autonomy. He needs to function alone, independent of outside forces, he needs to have a choice, he needs to hold the power. He is all of these things to a fault, which is why he's such a bitch so unable to connect with others, to allow himself to be a real person. But even with the problems it causes, losing that ability would spell the end. Because he wasn't always capable of controlling his own life, of having power over much of anybody, including himself. A thousand other things contributed to that rot that simmers, now, but the lack of a choice was a big portion of it. To be once again without any real autonomy- his self-direction and his dignity- that's something unreal now that he's familiar with the alternative.

If he lives with it depends on if he can once again take it back. There is no bearing this, for him, he hardly did it the first time. He's thought for a long while that the question was never to stay or to go: it was always to choose instead what would kill him. Leaving wasn't him trying to live, not really, it was trying to enjoy it before the end that he feels is just around the corner. He lives as he is now for the love of it, for the fun of it, for the exploration. Lacking that, either there's a way out back to the adventure, or he's falling right over the edge and not getting up this time. The end is a return, and there's no waiting it out, trudging through it. He doesn't live after the world ends.

God and man if you can't tell from the fuckign. All that I'm SO normal about him all the time. His storyline is something that I've been working around for years now and I actually really, really like it. He's very... He's equal amounts cathartic and meditative. Every character is a vessel for some weird bullshit but Julian is a little more direct and a little more real. He's idealized but he's also so far from it, because fucking look at him. I don't even know how to convey how I feel about him man not to be dramatic but like,,,,

He's... he's a unique kind of isolation that stems not from a lack of people but from a lack of reality among them. He's alienation that's invisible to everyone else, and you can't tell if that's a blessing or a curse. He's the kind of danger that isn't immediately obvious but is instead the threat of a possibility, something that might never come to pass but could, and that "could" is enough to keep you with your door locked and your hand on the hilt. He's missing something that you don't even really want but are lacking nonetheless. He's sharp edges making people give you a wide berth, doing exactly what they're meant for, and taking something from you as they do. He's a mask that isn't fake, just exaggerated. He's a filter that might as well alter the sand it sifts for all the difference in what comes out the other side. He's lying because the alternative is an ugly truth. He's an ugly truth that you don't know what to do with so you resign to just not worry about it, until that's inevitably no longer an option.

But he's also rebuilding yourself from the ground up, deciding who you want to be and then doing that. He's driving away the ones you despise and carefully aiding the ones you see yourself in. He's living for yourself even when it spits you out worse than you started, because at least it's you. He's making yourself larger than life. He's commanding respect, and when refused it, instead demanding fear. He's the comfort in being alone because for once you are unobserved. He's righteous fury that you cannot allow to be aimed at anything close to yourself, because that would mean admitting something is there, so you instead use it in defense of something like you, something similar enough that it could be you, and don't you dare think about what that could mean for yourself. He's joy in the same breath as anger, stemmed from each other. He's adrenaline, he's pain that makes you grin, he's the familiar weight of exhaustion that comes from something accomplished. He's choice.

Every now and then I write something about Julian and think "there's something there," and half the time I can't even really define what. But there's something. this is probably really cringe but. you know. every now and then i want to play with something that i am not touching with my bare hands and you know what? That's where Julian comes in.

[the-kipsabian]

okay sssoooo out of curiosity

what would you consider the minimum for a “long amount of time” before meeting a friend you made online?