#what happened today was not acceptable

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[inkskinned]

you have to go to work so you can pay for your doctor, who is not taking your insurance right now, and if you say i can't afford the doctor's you are told - get a better job. it is very sad that you are unwell, yes, but maybe you should have thought about that before not having a better job.

(where is the better job? who is giving out these better jobs? you are sick, you are hurting - how the hell are you supposed to be well enough for this better job?)

but you go to the doctor because you had the nerve to be hurt or sick or whatever else. and they tell you that it is because you have anxiety. you try your best. you are a self-advocate. you've done the reading (which sometimes pisses them off worse, honestly). you say it is actually adding to my anxiety, it is effecting my quality of life. so they say that you are fat. they say that all young people have this happen to them, isn't it a medical marvel! they say that you should eat more vegetables. they say that you probably just need to lose a little more weight, and that you are faking it for attention.

(what attention could this doctor possibly give? what validation? that's their fucking job, isn't it?)

there is always a hypochondriac, right. someone always tells you about a hypochondriac. or someone who is unnecessarily aggressive during the worst days of their life. or someone looking "for a quick fix". or some idiot who wasn't educated about how to properly care for themselves who just abandons their treatment. and again, the hypochondriac, the overly-cautious hysteric. these people don't deserve to be treated like humans (right), and since you might be one of these people, you also don't get treated like a human. because those people can really fuck with the system, you now have to pay for it. and besides. you're actually probably faking it.

(more often than not, you find a 2:1 ratio of these stories. for every "hypochondriac", there are 2 people who knew something was wrong, and yet nobody could fucking find it. the story often ends with pointless suffering. the story often ends with and now it's too late, and it's going to kill me.)

you are actually just making excuses. someone else got that procedure or that diagnosis and he's fine, you should be fine too. someone else said they watched a documentary about other inspirational people with your exact same condition, maybe you should be inspirational, too. you're just too morbid. your pain and your experience is probably just not statistically concerning. it is all self-reported anyway, and you're just being a baby.

(once, while sitting down in the middle of making coffee, you had the sudden, horrible thought - i could kill myself to make the pain stop. you had to call your best friend after that. had to pet your dog. had to cry about it in the shower. you won't, but that moment - god, fuck. the pain just goes on and on.)

you know someone who went in for routine surgery and said i still feel everything. they told her to just relax. it took her kicking and screaming before they figured out she wasn't lying - the anesthetic drip hadn't been working. you know someone who went in for severe migraines who was told drink water and lose weight. you know someone who was actively bleeding out and throwing up in the ER and was told you're just having a bad period.

in the ER there are always these little posters saying things like "don't wait! get checked today!" and you think about how often you do wait. how often the days spool out. you once waited a full week before seeing the doctor for what you thought was a sprained wrist. it had actually been broken - they had to rebreak it to set it.

but you go into the doctor. the problem you're having is immediate. the person behind the counter frowns and says we're not taking your insurance. you will be paying for this out-of-pocket.

they send you home with tylenol and a little health packet about weight loss or anxiety or attention deficit. on the front it has your birthday and diagnosis. you think about crying, and the words swim. it might as well say go fuck yourself. it might as well say you're a fucking idiot. it might as well say light your money on fire and lie down in it. and the entire fucking time - the problem persists.

it's okay. it's okay, it's just another thing, you think. it's just another thing i have to learn to live with.

[possamble]

What I love about Dungeon Meshi is that it says “eat, or be eaten,” but not as in “survival of the fittest.” “Eat, or be eaten,” because there is no third choice—every day of your life, one or the other will happen. If you choose not to eat, you will be eaten. Eating is a mandatory part of being alive. The failure to acknowledge this makes you weak, guarantees that you will fail—as seen with Shuro, as seen with Thistle.

“Eat, or be eaten,” because “living things take other lives as sustenance, and no one is exempt.” If you eat—if you are a living thing—you will be eaten one day. Whether it's to literally be killed and eaten for your flesh, or decomposed down to the bone—violently or painlessly, quickly or slowly, you will be eaten and turned into sustenance for other living things. A dead body is always consumed as food, and there is no meaningful distinction between the two. The only way to avoid it is to have never been born at all.

“Eat, or be eaten,” because “eating is a privilege of the living.” And isn’t that incredible? To be a living thing is to have the privilege of eating. To have the ability to eat is a boon, an honour, a birthright. It is the unique, universe-given gift and right of all living things. It is synonymous with being alive—to live is to eat. To eat is to be eaten. We are eaten because we eat, we die because we were born, and the privilege of eating is earned through the inevitability of our deaths. The two cannot be separated. 

“Eat, or be eaten,” because “eating is a privilege of the living” and the reason why a mortal man could topple the personification of infinity—it cannot die, therefore it is not alive, yet it chose to eat. But to eat at all is to become a thing that can be eaten—choosing to take means you will have things taken from you in the same manner. The moment that Laios accepted this—after killing his sister with his own hands—was the moment the Winged Lion had already lost.

Dungeon Meshi is far from the first story to say, “memento mori.” But it takes the inevitability of death—a concept too distant and philosophical to grip the average person—and reframes it within the act of eating. Makes it visceral by using a universal part of daily life, a routine that every living thing is intimately familiar with. 

“Remember that you will die,” it says, but furthermore, “remember that your future death is a prerequisite for the food you are able to eat now—remember that other things die so that you can eat, remember that you will die to feed something else, and that there is no other alternative. There is no way to stop this. To take is to have things taken from you. To eat is to be eaten one day. There is nothing kind or cruel about this—it just is, and you must be the one to understand it and bring meaning to your own existence.

In light of all this, why wouldn't you choose to live as deliciously as possible?”

[egophiliac]

So the final character turns out to be based on Ryugen, but it feels kinda weird how there is also one based on Zangetsu and they aren't brothers

Or what if plot reveals they are brothers and he was actually adopted or stollen

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S ACTUALLY RYUUGEN?! I made a joke about it when Toten got revealed but I didn't actually expect... (I'm counting it as a win though, which means I guessed three out of sixteen! ...given how wacky some of these got, I'm actually pretty proud of that.)

he seems very sweet though! I hope he and his secret hamsters are very happy together. 🐹

(also:

THIS WAS MY EXACT TRAIN OF THOUGHT TOO! either this is an incredible bit of meta foreshadowing, or an incredible bit of Takahashi trolling, and I -- I honestly don't know which is more likely)

[jamtlandsarkiv]

This is kind of DenSu related, I guess. What are your thoughts on the Scandinavian trio during the Kalmar Union? I have my own thoughts, but would love to hear yours.

June 6th, 2024 was the 501st anniversary of Sweden leaving the Kalmar Union!

The Kalmar Union era was a fascinating and widely misunderstood period that strongly affected the region. I wrote a list of common misconceptions, a summary of the period plus a thought experiment about how it might have affected Mathias and Björn under the cut!

It really topples my chimney to see people use the Kalmar Union period to justify why DenSu would have an unhealthy relationship. Here is a quick summary of the most common misconceptions in the fandom about the union:

Sweden was forced into the union. No, the union was a voluntary agreement proposed by Denmark to combat a powerful union of German states that would threaten the Nordic states' dominance in the Baltic Sea region.

The union was a period of severe oppression for Swedes. No, the first 50 years of the union were peaceful and the union achieved its goal of creating a unified Nordic region. The conflicts began later in the union's lifespan as the Danish authorities attempted to centralize power under the Danish crown and attempted to introduce laws that the Swedes deemed unfavorable.

The Stockholm Bloodbath was a civilian massacre. No, it was a mass execution of politically influential anti-union aristocrats as punishment for coordinating armed rebellions against the Danish king.

I'll be honest: the way I write Mathias, Björn, their backgrounds and their roles in society, they would have no interactions with each other that were motivated by the union. The idea is that in my Nationverse, all immortals live as unassuming citizens. They could take on political roles, but they'll have to work hard to climb the ladder like anyone else, and they can't hold on to power forever (as they would have to "die"). Björn in particular lives in northern Sweden, very far away from the conflicts that arose as a consequence of the union.

The Kalmar Union was a mutual agreement proposed by Queen Margareta of Denmark and agreed upon by various leaders of Sweden. The union was established in 1397. The goal of the union was to combat the increasingly powerful Hansen union between the German states. The two member states agreed to collaborate economically, establish a common foreign policy and provide military support to each other. Danish King Erik was crowned as the king of the union.

Because Denmark was the most populous member of the union then and the union's leadership was overwhelmingly Danish, the Swedes grew increasingly dissatisfied at the union. They believed that its terms transferred power to Denmark and were unfairly disadvantageous to Sweden. The first protest of the union, the Engelbrekt Rebellion of 1434, was in response to a tax hike across the union to fund Denmark's war against German state Holstein. Swedes were already unhappy at being drafted into Denmark's faraway war, which came with the additional disadvantage that Sweden, as a member state in their union, wasn't able to export to an important trade partner. This pattern of events (Denmark doing something that didn't benefit Sweden, Swedes protesting against it) continued over the next century and built a strong anti-union political current.

The Stockholm Bloodbath was the tipping point of the anti-union movement. Swedes, thoroughly exhausted of the union by the 1500s, protested the crowning of Danish King Kristian II as the King of Sweden. Several influential aristocrats associated with the pro-independence Sture Party coordinated civilian rebellions against Kristian II, but were unsuccessful in overthrowing him. The Danish and Swedish authorities came to an agreement that Kristian II would be crowned King of Sweden, while the Sture Party associates would be granted amnesty. Kristian II invited these aristocrats to his coronation in Stockholm under the guise of a peaceful meeting, only to carry out his true plan to walk back on the agreement and execute them for treason. Unsurprisingly, this only strengthened the anti-union sentiment and Sweden, led by Gustav Vasa, exited the union in 1523. (The remainder of the Party also opposed Vasa and were executed by him several years later.)

Now you all know why I always roll my eyes at the notion that Björn would have been executed at the Stockholm Bloodbath. It explicitly suggests that he was a prominent political figure with anti-union sympathies who had a hand in orchestrating a rebellion against the King of the Kalmar Union. I really do not like writing these fictional characters as having significant influence in a universe that's about experiencing real history. The way I write the characters is that they live as regular citizens unnoticed by humans, while their interpersonal relations with other immortals are partially based on historical events. The character's home region factors strongly into their life story and relationships as well, which is why my Northern Swedish Björn has a much less violent rivalry with Mathias than a Southern Björn would.

The relationship between Mathias and Southern Björn during this period could be represented as them agreeing to work together against a common threat, but their differences eventually tore them apart and made them enemies. They wouldn't be enemies or have a one-sided relationship in the present day. Björn could possibly have participated in some of the many anti-union rebellions that were carried out by armed civilians, although it's unlikely that he would have come face-to-face with Mathias in combat unless Mathias was serving in the Danish Army. Denmark did not have independent civilian combatants.

Many other inhumane attacks against civilians occurred during this period that could justify a more hateful relation between these two, but I do not treat these characters as representatives of their states, leaders, governments, monarchies, authorities and so on. Their beliefs and life stories are a combination of the culture of the people they represent and their unique experiences. Their lives aren't reenactments of their authorities' every decision.

[hella1975]

hiiii haha. hello. exceptionally awkward introduction bc idrk how to start something like this so let's just jump right in. im taking a break from this account for a bit. i know i said i wanted taob out before halloween and currently im fine sticking with that deadline, but if i decide i need longer away then i will take longer away. every time ive reassured people that id never abandon a fic and updates will always come eventually i never once considered that my writing and ability to feel safe and comfortable on this site would be actively taken from me, so im not even going to apologise. i dont want this either and more importantly i dont fucking deserve it. i dont know what it is in the past year, if ive hit a certain amount of followers or 'popularity' that's made it so the natural ratio of positive to negative interactions must in turn go up, but there's been a serious uptick in weird asks for me. the annoying part is that a very small amount of them are actually objectively mean and hateful, the rest are just weird and invasive from people who seemingly dont realise that's what they're being. ive reached a point where i dont care if the intentions are good. it's not my job as a 20 year old tumblr user of all things to defend the morality of someone who couldnt even bother to come off anon. unfortunately, after blocking only one or two anons, the weird asks have decreased substantially, which says all you need to know about the fascinating and exhilarating lives led by these people, but ive also gone on to turn anon asks off entirely. this is something i actively fought against doing and had to be pushed into by my mutuals (who have been the coolest people on planet earth during this entire thing). turning off anon was a big deal to me even if it sounds silly. i felt betrayed and like id been backed into a corner because it was so vehmently something i DIDNT WANT that to feel like i had to do it anyway for my own mental health??? that sucks. so even though ive 'fixed' the problem, im still kind of reeling and uncomfortable every time i come on tumblr. i hope it's just something i need time to ease because i'll truly be devastated if this becomes 'ruined' for me. tumblr exists as the only place in the world where i am honestly every facet of myself without shame or hesitation; losing that would be insanely harmful to me. and to the people who cant appeal to the actual human behind the post, let me put that in words you can understand: we wouldn't get any more writing 😦😦😦 riots and fires and sirens, i know. so yeah. to anyone who has sent me an anon ask and you're now wondering if you were part of the problem, im firmly of the belief that you'll know if you are. when i say 'weird asks' i dont mean 'you sent me a para about your personal life just to vent or ask for advice' or 'you sent me a really deep emotional compliment about the impact me and/or my writing has had on you' - i love asks like that, so much that i put off taking a break and turning off anon solely for the joy they bring me. im sorry that it might feel like you're being punished too bc of the actions of what in reality is a HANDFUL of weird people, but this is what i feel like i have to do to feel safe and not go insane every time i log in. love you guys, hopefully ill see you soon x

[rimouskis]

I'm so over open shelving. open shelving is my enemy. I hate dusting all my little objects.

BUT. but. if I don't have open shelving, how will I see all my little objects? there's no happy answer, no compromise. it's just endless dusting

[prolibytherium]

Absolutely death gripped clenched trying not to comment on reductive posts on ancient greek homosexual relationships

[sar-per]

[trentcrimminallybeautiful]

you know if we do accept the last epilogue-esque sequence as a sort of dream/wish of ted's and therefore not necessarily canon, very funny if we then simply go "yeah, trent's book is called 'the lasso way' actually. he didn't change that. nope."

[goldlightsaber]

It’s reassuring to sometimes realize that in a way… having an anxiety disorder is a reasonable response to the world? Especially if you’re sensitive. Like I just watched a sweet video where a kid was coming out to his mom and he cried and was terrified — it’s so mind boggling that such a normal thing could be so hated and judged by society that this kid (and many like him) was that scared to tell his mom (who was super supportive about it).

Like if you have sensitivity as a kid, or if you don’t fit a certain mold in society growing up, and you have a slew of negative experiences as a result (for example your mom DOESN’T accept you and isn’t nurturing when you cry) your brain can just…set in ways that are harmful. If you don’t get enough emotional support growing up, you will probably not be able to function, and as an adult, your responsibilities accumulate and it becomes very hard to adjust. Obviously some people are more inclined than others to mental health issues but it just fucking makes sense.

[dawnthefluffyduck]

Sunday doodles

[weareuniqueandimportant]

EMPATHY GLAMORIZATION IS NOT ABOUT EMPATHY BUT SUPERIORITY TORWARDS APATHETIC PEOPLE BIGOTRY TORWARDS THEM TYPICAL BIGOT EVIL. SIMPLE AS THAT. IF YOU SEE THEM AS LEFTIST YOU'RE NO LEFTIST YOURSELF. HORRIBLE. THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE ONLY EMPATHY AND BAD TO THINK EVERYTHING YOU DO IS SUCH ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE CLEARLY BEING APATHETIC IF ANYTHING WHEN THEY DO THIS...

COMES TO SHOW BIGOTRY TORWARDS CRAZY AND DISABLED PEOPLE ASWELL AS PARAPHILIA PEOPLE ISN'T TAKEN AT ALL THE SAME AS SEXISM RACISM AND QUEERPHOBIA... OR PERHAPS... LIKELY... THEY ARE ALL THE BIGOTED THINGS EVIL AND TAKE NONE THAT SERIOUSLY... BELITTLING DOWN THEIR PAIN AND DAMAGE...

[lesbiansanemi]

Was doing so good holding it together today but now that I’m laying down and trying to sleep I’m tearing up and I can feel that I’m about to burst into tears any second now

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Fellow Psych enjoyer!! Im watchin psych at this very moment lol, i know its a tough question bc i dont even have a definitive answer but like, what's your favorite episode?

hmmm well i did very much enjoy the episode where Lassiter & Henry bond over fishing... i also like the episode where Shawn gets kidnapped & ends up on top of a moving car <3

[kimmkitsuragi]

help me my mom is shipping me with some random chinese man whom i helped buying tickets