#what's funny was they kept calling her cool til i said she's actually kind of a cringefail woman and they were just like

[ritterdoodles]

Failgirl extraordinaire

[esta-elavaris]

Flufftober Day 31: "You told your parents?" ~ Arthur Morgan/OC [1,105 words]

My Flufftober '23 masterpost can be found here 💜✨

Cora was having a downright glorious day. Although the days when she and Arthur broke off from the rest of the camp and roughed it alone for a week or two always were, but this was one of their best little solo trips yet. The weather was beautiful, they stopped off at the post office before they really delved into the wilderness so she had a letter from home, and they hadn’t run into even a shadow of trouble. Considering the way chaos had a habit of finding Arthur, that particular part was a true miracle.

At present, they’d made camp just a little ways away from a lake – close enough to easily take a dip, but not so close that they’d be exposed to any who drifted near the shore – and she sat with her back against a tree while the wild turkey, the one that had them affectionately bickering over who had been the one to actually shoot it, roasted on a spit over the fire. They were being treated to the sort of sunshine that promised a beautiful pink-red sunset, and it took all she had not to hum happily as she read her letter from her hometown.

“My ma says hi,” she called to him as she read.

Up ‘til that moment, he’d been firmly rooted in man-roasting-his-kill mode. Or her kill, as she kept insisting anyway. He always insisted on taking over the cooking for at least their first night out here – although it was usually more, unless she really fought him on the matter. She rarely did, though, because it was sweet. A man who was hell-bent on cooking her dinner personally. Who’d’ve ever thought one like that existed? It was a question she found herself asking a lot ever since she’d first fallen for Arthur Morgan.

Her words, however, jolted him out of that mode.

“Your mother?”

“Uh-huh.”

“…she said to tell me that?”

“No, Dutch. I was hoping you’d pass the word along,” she drawled.

He stilled, leaning back where he knelt on the ground, regarding her thoughtfully.

“You…told your folks about me?”

“The basics, sure.”

“The basics?”

“That I’m courting a man I’m crazy about – and that he’s kind, funny, good, and handsome to boot.”

“You lied to ‘em, then.”

“I fudged the details on the whole livin’ in sin aspect, but everything else I just said is true,” she frowned at him. “…Shouldn’t I have?”

After their first night together, they’d both agreed that this wasn’t a sneaking into each other’s bedroll for some stress relief kind of thing. That it was more than that. That they were making a real go of it, in their own way. But maybe he viewed their way as not being something that should be shared around. The camp was one thing, nothing stayed secret for long there, but she had a hell of a lot more control over whether or not her folks knew. She just…hadn’t thought it would bother him. Instead, he looked bothered.

Maybe she should’ve asked first.

“I’m not exactly the bring home to mom and dad sort, sweetheart,” he said finally.

Ouch.

“Well, they live so far away it’s a wonder their letters even arrive in one piece. You’ll never have to meet ‘em if you don’t want to.”

Cora tried to play it cool as she spoke, shrugging casually and lowering her head so that her long dark hair fell forward over her face, pretending to be fascinated by the letter in her hand. Of course he saw through it.

“Shit, Cora, that ain’t what I meant at all,” he stood, approached, and then knelt before her on the ground. “Just that…I’m not the sort that a respectable woman would want to bring home to mom and dad.”

Oh. This was around the time she knew he’d be breaking out words like ugly and haggard if she hadn’t entirely vetoed them some time ago. Folding the letter and setting it in the midst of her skirts, she regarded him softly.

“I’m not a very respectable woman, Arthur,” she snorted.

“I respect you,” he said simply.

“And that’s what matters. To me. To them, too – my folks aren’t the high and mighty sort. Do you think I’d be running with Dutch’s crew if they were? Ma’s just glad to have one less mouth to feed, and pa – god love him – is a drunk. If I brought home some, some heir to a fortune with a stick lodged up his ass, they’d think I lost my damn mind. They know whatever I’m up to out here isn’t squeaky clean, how could it be? But we all play dumb to avoid stressful conversations. I keep ‘em clued in on the good parts, and you’re the best part.”

He breathed a laugh, but when he met her gaze and found her dark eyes fixed on him almost sternly, so there could be no doubt as to whether she meant every word she said, the laughter disappeared and he leaned back to sit on his ass on the ground in front of her, leg bent so one arm could rest atop his knee.

“You don’t have to meet ‘em, ever, if you don’t want to,” she continued. “But you gotta know that if you did, I’d be much more concerned about what you were going to make of them, rather than what they’d think of you. Because that last part wouldn’t make a damn lick of difference to me. Ever.”

Shifting a little, she could see in his face that he was tempted not to believe her – whether he’d admit that fact or not.

“I mean it, Arthur. They’d love you if they met you, you’re just gonna have to take my word on that, but even if they didn’t, you’d still be stuck with me for as long as you’ll have me.”

He smiled slightly, scratching at the stubble at his jaw.

“That’ll be an awful long time, Cor.”

“Will it, now?”

“Forever, most like. If I have my way.”

As he said it, he looked almost tentative – because it was one thing to say they were making a serious go of this, and it was another to say that. Those words of his had implications. The type that involved gold rings and wedding bells.

Cora grinned, and those blue-green eyes of his that had been inspecting her face for any hint of a negative reaction lit up as she replied.

“That works just fine for me.”

“Well,” he cleared his throat, hiding his own smile. “Good. Go ahead and tell ‘er I said hi back, then. Better make a good first impression, if she's to like me when I meet 'er.”

Links: AO3 -- FF.net -- flufftober masterpost -- dividers by cafekitsune

[taleofharrison]

Stuck | Michael Clifford

Summary: The boys try to do something special for the reader’s birthday while on tour but it might take a quick turn into something more.

Warnings: No just the friends to lovers prompt and rusher!reader because I love BTR (me? including Big Time Rush in yet another one of my works? I bet no one saw it coming).

Requested: No

Word Count: Around 1500

A/N: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY! so this kind of a request I did for myself, the original idea for this was to write 5sos x platonic!reader but it became friends to lovers with Michael. The BTR songs I mention can be found here, here, here, here and here

MASTERLIST HERE

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY” four voices exclaimed waking you up in a quite abruptly way making you forget you were in a bunk in a tour bus hitting yourself with the bunk above yours.

“Ouch sorry” Ashton said “anyways happy birthday to the best tour mom ever”

“Yeah and don’t tell my mom Ash said that” Luke chirped in making you smile.

Even though every time your four best friends had to go on tour begged you to come with them sometimes it just wasn’t possible for you but this time you managed to make time for this tour and whenever it was possible for you to join them you looked after them, stopping them from getting too drunk after a show in case they had to do interviews or something important the next morning or making sure their show outfits were ready before or during soundcheck. You loved and cared for them and they loved and cared for you it was the most beautiful friendship you could ever have.

“Thanks guys” you smiled again with a sleepy voice “how come you woke up before I did?”

“Well we wanted to do something special and surprise you” Michael explained “we can stop near a bakery and buy you a proper cake but for now you’ll have to settle for the last package of Oreo we have”

Calum handed you the package it had a piece of paper pasted to the envelope it said “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” with markers of different colors and their signatures it was the sweetest thing they could’ve done for you.

“You don’t have to buy me anything seriously this is enough” you replied opening the package.

“But we want to” Michael spoke again “You do so much for us”

For a second you lost yourself in his eyes, you had fallen for one of your best friends and after months of denial, thinking it was a stupid crush and it would fade, two weeks ago you finally admitted that you had fallen for him and how could you not? He was sweet and dorky and everything you’ve ever wanted.

“Uh you know what I’m going to get ready for today” you put your Oreos on your bunk “you can eat some if you want”

You left them and went to the back of the bus you closed the door the sound of Big Time Rush began to come from where you were now. Michael smiled of course you were listening to BTR when getting ready he thought it was sweet.

“I think the best birthday present you could give to her is telling her how you feel” Ashton suggested taking a cookie and putting it in his mouth.

“I-what?” Michael gasped “how do you guys know?”

“Mate you’re not very good at hiding your feelings we all noticed” Calum chuckled “don’t worry she’s just as oblivious as you are”

“Can you guys speak lower?” Michael whispered “I can’t have her hearing this”

“She has Big Time Rush sounding as loud as possible from the bluetooth speakers” Ashton laughed “she must be too busy enjoying herself dancing like crazy right now. She’s not going to listen to any of this”

Michael nodded he had a point the song playing was If I Ruled The World and it was your favorite BTR song and by now they had it memorized too “Do you really think I should do something about it?”

“Yep” Luke quickly answered “I can’t stand another conversation with her and about you”

“She told you?” Michael questioned again eyes wide open.

“Dude you know we are close” Luke shrugged “remember that I introduce you guys to her. Of course, she told me!”

Luke was the only one who knew about your crush on him you begged him not to tell the other boys but of course they found out by themselves and nobody had to tell them everybody around you knew but Michael. Maybe they were right it was time to do something about it.

“I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while now” Michael said “maybe we could add a song to the setlist tonight just for her birthday”

They didn’t allow you in the soundcheck which was weird they always wanted you there to be their number one during every rehearsal you immediately brushed it off “Maybe they are planning something silly for my birthday” you thought and kept playing with your phone and listening to music in the tour bus.

By the time of the concert the boys surprised with a cake singing happy birthday to you as funny and as out of tune as they possibly could making you laugh and smile.

“We told you we’d get you a proper cake” Michael smiled “now blow your candles and make a wish”

“Thank you, guys, so much” you said before blowing the candles.

“What did you wish for?” Michael asked.

“Not telling” you smirked “not going to come true if I tell”

“Well let’s eat some cake we have to get to the stage in around half an hour” Luke said.

After your small, improvised party the guys rushed to the stage you of course stood by the side of the stage watching your best friends having the time of their life.

“Cause I’m really not fine at all” they finished amnesia it was followed by the deafening sound of the fans screaming.

“Hey guys” Michael spoke “so tonight it’s a pretty special night because Y/N’s here and it’s her birthday today” and the fans screamed even more. They loved you and even considered you the fifth member of the band because of how pretty your friendship with the boys was.

“She’s a big fan of a band called Big Time Rush and she’s been begging us to do a BTR cover for a long time now” you rolled your eyes at Mike’s comment you weren’t begging you just told them it’d be pretty cool if they did just one song “and since today’s her birthday we are going to surprise her by finally singing one of their songs”

That’s why you weren’t allowed in the soundcheck “Put your lights in the air and please sing this if you know it this is Stuck”

“But I just keep getting…” Mike sang looking at you.

“Stuck, stuck” the boys joined him with harmonies his eyes never leaving yours.

“But I’m never giving…” Michael face went back to the crowd this was the first time in the whole song that he took his eyes off you.

“Up, up” the boys joined him again for the last part of the song “Thank you guys!”

Again, the fans were screaming a lot of them may not know the song, but the song was basically a Michael solo with beautiful harmonies, and it was something they couldn’t experience live every day.

“The next song it’s from our new album CALM” Luke said to the microphone as Michael changed guitars and the iconic sound of Easier filled up the place.

“Can’t sleep?” You asked Michael he was sitting on one of the sofas at the back of the tour bus.

“What are you doing up?” he questioned.

“I can’t sleep either” you sat next to him “great show tonight by the way I really enjoyed the cover section today…thank you”

“Well the four of us wanted to do something special for you…”

“I knew it was your idea” you interrupted him “I could tell it was your idea. It just screamed Michael to me”

“Yes, it was my idea” he said smiling at you “it was nothing I know how much you love those guys I just had to do it and I know someday they’ll get back together and we will collab with them and you can finally meet them then”

“What choice of song” you changed the subject “when I ‘begged’ you to cover a song I told you guys would do a great version of Shot In The Dark or Til’ I Forget About You not Stuck”

“I know that Stuck is one of your favorite songs and I know that you think it’s underrated because a big part of the fandom only recognize Boyfriend as a love song” he explained finally looking at you, you could’ve sworn you saw his eyes shine in the darkness “I know because I listen to you complain about it and this song had a message I really wanted to give to you that’s why I chose it”

“Michael, do you really feel that way about me?” you asked looking down.

“Yeah I do for quite a while now” he answered with a breathless laugh “and I-I think you feel the same?”

“Did Luke tell you?”

“No, he didn’t” he said “actually Ashton told me to do something about it”

“Ashton knows!?” you screamed whispered.

“Apparently everyone knows” he chuckled “but us”

You thought you had been careful and not too obvious about it and of course Luke hadn’t told, you could trust him with your life.

“Can I kiss you?” Michael questioned after a moment of silence.

You just nodded and when his lips touched yours it felt like a thousands fireworks in your stomach it was magical, it was perfect and even though you birthday ended about 3 hours ago it was the best present ever.

“Sorry it took so long” Michael breathlessly said once you pulled apart.

“It was worth it” you smiled leaning to kiss him again. 

Guess your wish came true

(GIF not mine) 

[feverinfeveroutfic]

chapter nine: the second skeleton

(if watching alex on his friday night live streams has taught me anything, it's that people are most themselves under two circumstances: late at night or when they're full of alcohol)

“Sam? Joey?”

Sam opened her eyes, and Marla and Dan lingered right over her and Joey. Her head spun a bit, and she realized she had been laying on a flat bed next to Joey without a pillow. She rubbed her eyes, while Joey groaned in his throat.

“What time is it?” she asked them.

“It's almost two o'clock in the morning,” Marla replied. “We got lost on the way back here.” She flashed Dan a dirty look.

“I told you we should've turned at that stoplight—we were about to get on the turnpike and head up to the heart of Boston otherwise. You should've listened to me.”

“I was,” she sneered, “otherwise, yes, we would've wound up in Boston. You should be thanking me for turning the car around in time.” She then rolled her eyes and she returned to Sam and Joey on the foldout bed. “Anyways—we got you guys some water and something to eat. Danny insisted on getting Joey something dry and salty to help with his stomach, so—”

She reached down to Joey's shoulder, and she gently shook him awake.

“Joey—Joey—” she gently said. He rolled his head over so some of his black curls covered part of his face. “Hey, Joey—”

“Joe?” Dan called out next to her.

“Joey,” Sam joined in, a soft whisper right into his ear. “Joey—”

“Mother—huh?” He never opened his eyes but he did raise his eyebrows for them.

“We got you some potato chips, dude,” Dan told him and he held the little bag of potato chips in question up before his face. Sam noticed him opening his eyes by just a mere slit and then he reached up for it for himself.

“And then for Miss Shelley,” Marla started, and she gave Sam a bottle of water and a small bag of trail mix.

“Something to keep me going for the night, I presume,” she cracked as she sat upright next to Joey. Her head spun a bit more from the contrast of laying flat on her back. She shook her head about a bit.

“You alright?” Marla asked her.

“I sat up too fast,” she replied as she unscrewed the bottle cap and took a swig of water. She then lay back down flat on her back next to Joey: he opened the bag of chips with two fingers and lay it upon his stomach so he could easily reach in there. Sam rubbed her brow: her head spun and her stomach turned.

“Ooh, god, I don't feel good,” she confessed.

“Well, I gotta go back to the room,” Marla told her. “I'm beat and I smell like an ashtray that was loaded up with booze at one point. You guys just want to stay around here for a bit and then I'll come and get you guys when it's light out again?”

“Sure, why not?”

“We'll get breakfast, too,” Dan added from behind her.

“Yeah, we'll get you guys some breakfast,” Marla said. “But you guys just hang out here—maybe take a walk. You're in Providence so—” She turned to Joey. “—it's not like being in upstate New York where the sidewalks roll up early on.”

“We can do anything we damn well please,” Joey muttered.

“Exactly! Alright, we'll see you guys in a little while.” Marla patted Sam's hand as it rested upon her unsettled stomach. She lowered her other hand to her right side, and away from Joey. Once Marla and Dan were out of the room, they just lay there in silence for a moment. The only sound came from the rest of the audience members out in the theater and a bit of chatter around the corner. Sam closed her eyes and she pictured Alex posted there with his little guitar upon his lap. She could see it in his eyes. There was something more to that boy than she believed, and yet he was afraid to show it to her.

“I wanna take a walk,” Joey spoke out of the blue. Sam rolled her head over for a look at the side of his face. “But not right now, anyways.”

“Just—eventually,” she followed along.

“Yeah, but I really just wanna lay here for a moment,” he confessed. “Just wanna be still for a moment.”

He reached into the chip bag rested upon his slender stomach and took out a few stiff, perfect chips, and he stuck them into his mouth.

“Oh, yeah,” he said with that hand up to his mouth. “They had the right idea in mind there with those.”

“Already feeling better?” she asked him.

“Oh, yeah, definitely.” He swallowed, and then he picked up the bag and showed it to her. “Want some?”

“Nah, I'm good,” she assured him, and she felt the trail mix next to her. He picked out a couple more but that crunching wasn't loud enough for the guitar outside of their room. It sounded like someone was struggling to play a backwards riff. Sam lifted her head for a look outside the door: no one there.

“That's not Danny,” Joey remarked with his mouth full.

“Scott maybe?” she wondered as she lay her head back down. He shook his head and swallowed that bite.

“No idea.”

“Whoa, what was that riff, Alex?” Greg hollered from across the floor.

“There's your answer,” Joey said in a low voice and with a raise of his eyebrows and a slight little gyration of his head.

“Huh?” Alex called out as he put his fingers across the guitar's neck.

“Yeah, play that again,” Eric commanded him, and Alex played it again. He struggled with it at first, but then he kept on strumming and messing with the fingering, and eventually he got a handle on it. Downwards and yet it seemed to flow. Bit of a bounce to it, even a swirl. Heavy and strong, just like Testament themselves, but there was a weird, almost dreamlike feel to it.

“What was that?” Eric asked him.

“Dunno, I heard it in a music store earlier before the wedding,” he confessed. “The dude in there told me it was from some band out of Seattle called Soundgarden. It's been stuck in my head since then. Forget what it's called, though.”

“Kinda cool sounding, though,” Sam remarked in a low voice, but Joey rolled his eyes and shoveled in more chips.

She frowned at that. On one hand, she wanted to be a friend to Joey and she wanted Alex to eat his words about him. But then again, she thought back to what she and Joey had talked about after the scuffle outside of the cafe in Syracuse. The fact Joey had such a grudge against Alex all because he supposedly asked him an innocuous question made her squirm in her spot. She picked up the bag of trail mix next to her and she opened it up for herself.

“Here, you want help with that?” Joey offered her over the voices outside of the room there.

“Nah, I got it.” She poured out a small handful of peanuts, raisins, chocolate chips, and little pretzels, and given she lay on her back still, she had to be careful not to spill all over herself. It was two o'clock in the morning following a day trip from New York City, a big steampunk wedding, and then a big concert, and yet she was wide awake and sick to her stomach.

“Lemme ask you sump'n,” he started again, and that time he pushed the bag of chips down towards the waist of his jeans and he folded his hands over his stomach.

She swallowed. “Go ahead.”

“Do you ever dream of the future?” he asked her.

“Of course. I dream of a number of things actually.”

“Well, I often dream of like—starting a family. Getting married and being in a nice place in upstate New York somewhere. I'm getting kinda old, I'm still not steady yet with the whole career thing, and my pants are always too tight, though—I dunno if I'll ever have kids, to be perfectly honest. I don't want a kid when I know I'm royally fucked up in the head. I'll just be like one of those people who owns a bunch of dogs and horses and lives out in the country 'cause I'm bit of a country boy. But I do like the idea of—pleasing, though.”

She looked over at the dreamy expression on his face as he gazed up at the ceiling overhead.

“I dream of a woman who can take care of me and I return the favor of loving her 'til the day I die.”

“That's so sweet,” she breathed. “You know, I dream of a mysterious man who tells me where to go next.”

“Oh, yeah?” Joey rolled his head over and knitted his eyebrows together at that.

“Yeah. He's kinda funny looking, though. But yeah—sometimes I'll see him when I'm at a crossroads in life and then I'll ask him where to go next. Marla's seen him in her dreams, too.”

“Huh.” He raised his eyebrows at that. “Marla's seen him, too?”

“Yeah. She told me it's a metaphor for guidance or something—it was during the Stormtroopers of Death tour so I can't really recall the full details.” She paused for a second. “God, I can't believe it's been two years since the Stormtroopers of Death tour. It almost feels like a fever dream at this point.”

“Same with my coming into Anthrax,” he added.

She moved the trail mix to her side and, careful not to push herself into him, she rolled over onto her side to alleviate the feeling in her stomach. Joey rolled his head over for a better look at her.

“May I ask you,” she started, “why do you even drink if you have dreams like that? Why do you do this to yourself?”

“Because it's there,” he confessed. “Like I said, Sam—I'm the outsider in the band. The upstate boy and the bachelor. Danny and Frankie are kind of like the closest things I have to friends there, but that's about it. Scott and Charlie don't talk to me much.”

“Have you tried?”

“Definitely. Without a doubt. But Scott's got his own problems to deal with and now there's the whole fallout from Charlie and Marla's break up that he's havin' to deal with now.”

“And now Scott's getting married,” Sam recalled in a soft voice.

“And now Scott's getting married,” Joey echoed. “I really don't have much of anyone to talk to otherwise, 'cause Danny's got a girl, too. And Frankie lives in the Bronx, up by you—it's not like I can visit him much, though.”

“What about your hockey buddies?” She nibbled on her bottom lip. “That guy at the wedding?”

“They're all either like that or they've moved on to the professional world. I tried getting back together with him, but—” He shook his head. “—guess not.”

“So the result is to drink?”

He shrugged his shoulders again. Meanwhile, outside the room, Alex and Greg's voices lowered down to whispers. The sound of bass strings caught their ear. Sam had the urge to run out there and chat with Greg, but she needed to keep her word to Marla, and she needed to fess up with Joey.

“Pretty much.”

“You should turn to art,” she suggested. “Become an artist, and you don't have to do that all the time.”

“I ain't no artist,” he insisted with a chuckle and a shake of his head.

“Marla told me earlier that expanding your horizons is the whole point of being an artist,” she recalled, “you're obviously a singer, and you're obviously a good singer to boot. You should play on that craft and you should soak your feet in something new.”

“I dunno—what if no one likes it?” he said.

“So what if no one likes it? I can say, 'dude, Joey Belladonna made this!' in your defense. It won't be much, but it'll be a start. We all need to start from somewhere.”

“True.”

“How about your drumming?” she continued. “Have you thought of doing more with that?”

“Oh, yeah. I've thought about bringin' up to Charlie, but he just seems so elusive at this point. Another dream of mine is to start a band of my own and just play for hours on end. Play the drums and sing at the same time like Phil Collins. Just drum like Charlie or Bill Ward and sing like Steve Perry. But the possibility of doing that is a whole other question altogether.”

“I don't think I understand you just yet, Joseph Bellardini,” she admitted, to which he shook his head.

“I don't think anyone does. My parents don't even understand me. You know, they're of the type where they don't believe in sex until marriage.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, they tell me to find a girl and then settle down with her. But—” He shrugged his shoulders. “—I dunno, to be honest.”

“What do you mean, you don't know?” she asked him as she propped the side of her head up inside of her left hand. He eyed her figure, now filled out after two years of school. The voices outside of the room fell away and thus, they were left in silence.

“I don't know if I can handle myself before marriage,” he confessed in a low voice. “There's—a lot in there. And I don't really know how to put a handle on it.”

“Have you ever thought of—touching yourself?” she asked him.

“Touching myself?” He frowned at that.

“Yeah. Like—between the legs.”

And he smirked at that. “Well, yeah, I've touched myself there. I do have a digestive system after all.��

“No, I mean—” She wrinkled her nose at that. “I mean—for pleasure.”

He ran his tongue over his dark lips, and his deep brown eyes locked onto hers. As dark as night. As rich as venom. He then sighed through his nose.

“Hey, I've seen you naked,” she pointed out. “If I can see you naked, I can see you with your hand there.”

He then nibbled on his bottom lip again. Without another moment's hesitation, he took the bag of chips off of his stomach. Sam lay still as he unbuttoned his jeans. The flat wide silver bracelet on his right wrist glimmered under the ceiling lights.

“What's the story behind that bracelet?” she asked him. “Every time I see you, you're always wearing it.”

“I've worn this thing since I started playing in bands,” he told her. “It just feels right to me—bein' a lead singer and bein' the lead singer of a metal band no less.”

He then reached down the front of his jeans. She pursed her lips together as he raised his knees up closer to him.

“Are they out there?” he asked her in a near whisper.

“As far as I know, no.”

“Okay.”

His tight jeans relaxed around his hips and thighs. She watched his fingers caress over his own skin. She had only done it just herself not long ago, on both her own skin as well as his, and something in the back of her mind told her that that was where he liked it best. Indeed, he nibbled on his lip as he prodded himself with the pad of his thumb.

“Just like that,” she encouraged him in a low voice. “Just exactly like that.”

“I actually kinda like that,” he confessed as he stroked himself harder. He glanced over at her body. “You don't mind me lookin', do you?”

“Whatever works,” she said. “We're all about being comfortable with each other here.”

His brown eyes grazed over the slightly fuller hourglass shape of her body and he nibbled on his bottom lip again. Sam lay perfectly still as he touched himself right there next to her.

“I feel it coming,” he confessed.

“Would you like a napkin or something?”

“I think I saw some napkins over there by the door—” He nodded towards the doorway, and she rolled off of the bed with her head still spinning. But she persisted to the small stack of paper napkins on the table near the door, and she handed a few to him.

“Yeah—that's good—thank you.” He opened his legs a bit more so he could better clean up.

“You wanna take your pants off?” she asked him as she pressed her hands to her hips.

“Nah—I think I got it.”

She thought about what Marla had told her. She needed to come forth with him in her intentions with him, especially after what he had said to her. Once he had mopped up his mess, she moved the trail mix and the water bottle to the side and she lay back down on the bed next to him.

“I'm gonna keep you out of trouble, Joey,” she vowed as she put her arm around his chest. “You're a good boy. You don't need that shit in your life.”

He rolled his head over the edge of the bed for a better look over at her

“Well, I'm gonna tell you this right now, Sam I am—it's a long tour.”

She shook her head.

“It's alright,” she assured him. “I've got it covered. At least for the first month of it.”

“How so?”

“Emile promised me to cover the next month's rent. So I can come along with you guys on this tour.”

He showed her that notorious lopsided grin again. Sam gazed into his brown eyes, and she felt closer to him right then and there. She got to see him without clothes on more than one occasion, but now the second time was for a different reason. She thought about a touch on his chest, but she decided not to do that just yet.

“How your stomach feelin' by the way?” Joey asked her. “Maybe we can take a walk together. I feel I've released a little bit just now.”

“It's still a little queasy—we can lay here for the rest of the night if you'd like. A little cat nap and then we can walk around the place at sunrise.”

“Ooh, yeah! That sounds like a good idea.”

The voices outside of the room returned right then, and Joey reached down so as to refasten his jeans. Sam thought about their visit to her parents' house, and she realized that her mother never answered her question about how Joey resembled to that other man. Indeed, she started to wonder if that other man was someone she needed to know as she heard the guys from Testament searching for something important. Joey closed his eyes at the sounds of their voices, but Sam paid close attention to them.

“—hope we can hunt it down, though,” Chuck was saying.

“'Hunted Down'!” Alex declared. “'Hunted Down'! That's what it was called. The riff I was playing earlier.”

“God,” Joey muttered with a shake of his head.

“What?” Sam whispered to him.

He then opened his eyes. She could tell he was sleepy and the fact they were laying on a literal bed didn't help matters, either. “If I'm being perfectly honest, I really wanna leave that kid alone—but he's such a hot shot, though.”

“I don't think he is,” she confessed. “I think he's kinda like you, to be honest.”

“How so?” Joey looked disgusted at that.

“I dunno. But I just feel it, though. I feel like there's something there behind that cool demeanor...” She thought back to the encounter in Syracuse and the slight raise of those dark, deep set eyebrows at her. There was also that piece of rice paper in the bottom of her drawer back home. “Remember what I asked you that night in Syracuse? Why can't you be nice to him, especially after all you just told me?”

Joey didn't reply to that. Instead, he gazed up at the ceiling in silence. But Sam stayed there next to him to prove as a comfort to him. Within seconds, his eyelids drooped and he dozed off right there next to her, and complete with her arm around his chest. His slender little body was warm and delicate to the touch. She wanted him to stay that way forever.

She could feel her eyelids weighing down as well. It was late after all.

He never answered her, and he never did by the time they woke up from their little two hour nap.

[rintarous]

worries ➵ e. kirishima

GENRE: angst and fluff

SUMMARY: kirishima is one of the strongest people you know but sometimes, you just can’t help but be worried about his well being. 

PAIRING: kirishima eijirou x reader

WORD COUNT: 4.5K

A/N: this went longer than expected.. this whole thing is inspired by the song sunflower by post malone & swae lee,, also fuck this shit got too long for my liking so sorry if it gets wonky and weird along the way, i didn’t know what to write and yeah ughakjda enjoy !! 

Ever since Aizawa talked about the work studies, everyone couldn’t keep their mouths shut. It didn’t help that the big three of U.A, Mirio, Nejire and Tamaki came to the classroom and gave a brief explanation on what’s it really about. Through a mutual decision among the staffs, they’ve decided that only first years would be taking work studies this year and it would be among the pro’s who had kept a good reputation on accepting students.

On your way back to the dorms, your boyfriend, Kirishima, couldn’t help but feel excited over the whole work studies thing. “Man, I sure do hope I get recommended or get chosen” Kirishima exclaims, jogging ahead. You trailed right behind him, giggling at his cute antics. “any agencies you have in mind, babe?” he asked, holding his hand out for you to hold. Kirishima is a clingy man after all. 

“Well, I could always go back to Mt. Lady’s agency but I doubt the school will allow me to go since they are still pretty new..” you say after thinking about your experience at the said agency. 

The moment you two got to the dorms, you two quickly took a shower and changed into pajamas to go join your classmates at the common room where everyone was lounging around in. You sat beside Uraraka and Tsuyu while Kirishima went to bother his friends. 

“Anyone found a place to do their work studies yet?” Mina asked no one in particular. Midoriya raised his hand awkwardly. “Wow! Congrats Midoriya!” Iida congratulates his friend. Kirishima suddenly plops down right next to you and wraps his arm around your shoulder. “Fourth Kind doesn’t even take work studies” he sighs.

“The school said Gunhead hasn’t had enough interns so I can't go there” Ochaco shares sadly. The rest of the class started voicing their own concerns about the work studies till Aizawa came through the door. 

“That’s because it becomes a problem of who’s responsible on the pro side. Pro heroes who accept students even after knowing the risk are the real thing.” Aizawa explains. “Tokoyami, you’ve got an invitation from one of the pros. Uraraka and Asui, Hado wants to see the two of you and Kirishima, Amajiki wants to see you as well” he adds. 

Kirishima stood up from the couch, “Amajiki-senpai wants to see me?” he pointed to himself. Aizawa nods. “Go see them tomorrow or something and hear them out. That is all” and with that, he leaves. “Well, I'm going to go to see Amajiki-senpai at his dorm!” Kirishima rushes out the door, leaving you alone with the rest of your classmates who weren’t called by anyone. 

A little later, Kirishima comes back and announces that Amajiki is willing to recommend him to Fat Gum and will start tomorrow immediately. You jumped from your seat and gave him a hug. “i’m so happy for you, Kiri!” 

Yes, it’s true that you were happy for him but you just can’t help but worry about his well being. Since work studies are seriously different from the internships, this time the pro heroes actually treat you like their sidekicks. 

“Hey, what’s with the long face?” Kirishima pulls away from your hug. You shake your head, “Nothing, I’m just worried for you” Kirishima cups your cheeks. “I won’t be doing anything reckless babe, you know that” he giggles. Your little intimate moment was ruined by Bakugou who threw a cup at Kirishima’s head. “Get a fucking room!” he waves his hand in the air making his buddy laugh out loud. 

—

Tonight was Kirishima’s first night on the job with Tamaki under Fat Gum’s guidance. Currently, you were in his room watching him change into his hero costume. “What time will you be back?” you ask Kirishima as he was putting on his gear. Kirishima turns around and gives you a soft smile. “I don’t know, babe. Don’t wait up for me if it’s getting too late” 

You watched Kirishima jog his way to Tamaki who’s been waiting outside your dorm for a while now. “Bye Y/n! I love you” Kirishima blows you a flying kiss. You giggled and waved at him before disappearing back into the dorm.

“Is that your girlfriend?” Tamaki asked Kirishima quietly. Kirishima nods his head yes, “The one and only” he boasts. Tamaki gives him a small smile and they made their way to Fat Gum’s agency.

After closing the door, you immediately plopped down on the couch next to Mina, Sero and Kaminari “Lonely already?” Sero snickers, giving you a side glance. “Haha, very funny” you mocked his tone of voice. “I just.. feel uneasy” you confessed to your friends. Sero and Kaminari share a knowing look.

“I feel uneasy about him too..” Kaminari starts. You snap your head in his direction. “Just a few nights ago, he basically told us that he felt useless compared to us and I don’t know what I feel about that. I never knew Kirishima would be so insecure over his quirk” Kaminari shares. You look at Sero for confirmation and he nods his head slowly. 

“Well fuck” you cursed, “now I’m even more worried about him” you bit your nails, a habit you have whenever you’re nervous or queasy. Mina suddenly grabs your shoulder, “Don’t think about it too much, okay? Kirishima’s gonna be back soon” she smiles. You smile back at her and gave her a hug, “Thanks Mina” you sigh. “Hey how come we don’t get hugs?” you hear Kaminari complain to which Sero responds by smacking his head. 

A few hours has passed and everyone else already went back to their rooms while you still haven’t left your spot on the couch. It was approaching two in the morning and Kirishima still hasn’t come home yet. Realizing he won’t be back any time soon, you stood up from the couch and stretched your limbs before heading upstairs to your room til the front door opened. 

You spot a familiar red head walking straight to the kitchen and grabbed himself a glass of water. Kirishima still hasn’t noticed you from the couch until you coughed to catch his attention. Kirishima nearly drops the glass he was holding as he jumps from shock. “Jesus fucking Christ” Kirishima curses, putting a hand on his chest. “What the fuck happened?!” you cried out as your eyes trailed all over his body that was covered in cuts and potential bruises. “Why are you still awake?” he counters. “You didn’t answer my question first” you retort, running over to the bathroom to get a first aid kit.

You dabbed some disinfectant on his cuts with a wet cloth. Kirishima winces when you pressed it on his chest and arms. “Ouch!” he yelps as you hit a specific spot. “Will you answer me or not?” you ask as you continue to tend on his cuts. “Fine! I was dealing with someone who could release blades out of his skin, that’s how I got the cuts. Now tell me, why are you still awake?” he exasperated. 

“My gut was telling me something was wrong and I couldn’t sleep after..” you say slowly. Kirishima raises a brow, “..Kaminari told me something” you confessed. “Whatever it is, don’t just believe whatever that piece of shit says” Kirishima brushed you off making you pissed. “So I’m just gonna pretend I never heard them say you basically felt useless compared to us. Okay, that’s cool” you say through gritted teeth. 

Kirishima visibly tenses at your sudden outburst. His little train of thought gets cut off short by you closing the first aid kit a little too loudly, tossing it to his side. “Goodnight, Kirishima” you say coldly as you walk away from the kitchen and went straight to your room. All Kirishima could do was watch you disappear into the dark, empty hallways of the dorm.  

—

The next day, you ignored all of Kirishima’s attempt to talk to you. Even going as far as not eating breakfast just because you knew he was going to be there. You were ready to leave as your hand was already at the door knob til you heard Yaoyorozu calling your name.

“Hey Y/N, you’re not going to eat breakfast?” Yaoyorozu asked from the dining area. All heads suddenly turned to you, including Kirishima. “I’ll just grab something from lunch rush” you faked a smile, rushing out of the dorm. 

“Damn dude, you two fighting or something?” Kaminari asked Kirishima who’s staring blankly at his plate. Kirishima suddenly stands up and runs after you leaving Kaminari, Sero and Bakugou to look at him weirdly. 

“Y/N wait!” you hear Kirishima call from the distance. Cursing under your breath, you walked faster towards the U.A building but it was too late. Kirishima was able to catch up to you. “Y/N” he pants, grabbing your arm. “What?” you say coldly. “I’m sorry” he apologizes. you rolled your eyes and wiggled out of his grasp. 

“Is this because of last night? if it is, then I’m sorry for not telling you about what I’ve felt over the past few days… It’s just hard you know? to see yourself having a gap between you and your peers..” Kirishima admits. There was a hint of sadness in his voice making you frown. You turned around to face him to see him looking back at you with a sad expression. 

“.. I’m sorry for not being too understanding” you cried out as you ran into his arms and buried your head into his chest. Kirishima chuckles lowly, “I shouldn’t have brushed you off last night too.. I guess we’re even” 

“KIRISHIMA AND Y/L/N!” Iida calls out, “You two are breaking the school rule of no public display of affection!” he nags, repeatedly pointing at the two of you making Midoriya, Uraraka, and Tsuyu giggle. “Please refrain from doing such action ever again” Iida reminds, walking away to head to the classroom. You and Kirishima share a look before erupting into laughter. 

—

The rest of the week went by more smoothly than expected. Kirishima still goes to his work studies every night and the same goes to Midoriya, Uraraka and Tsuyu but lately, out of the four of them, Midoriya seems out of it. 

Now that you think about it, you’ve never really asked Kirishima what’s going on with his work studies after that argument you had with him a week ago. Currently you were at the common room, per usual talking to Kirishima about anything as you rest your legs on his lap. 

“Oh yeah so how’s your work studies going?” you asked your boyfriend. Kirishima shrugs, “same old, same old” he replies nonchalantly. You hummed, not thinking much of it. ‘Maybe it’s confidential’ you thought to yourself.

Suddenly Midoriya bursts into the room with a determined look on his face. “Hey Kirishima, Are you ready for the operation?” Midoriya asked Kirishima. You sat up from the couch and looked at Kirishima with an unreadable expression on your face. Kirishima stares at Midoriya with a look of panic in his eyes, diverting his eyes towards your direction. 

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry for saying that out loud!” Midoriya apologizes to you specifically. You kept your lips on a tight line. “It’s fine. It’s probably confidential and all” you point out. “Now if you would excuse me, I’m going to my room” you stood up from the couch, not sparing a glance towards Kirishima’s direction.

“i’m sorry again, Kirishima” Midoriya bows slightly at his friend. “No dude, it’s fine. I didn’t tell her so she won’t… do that heh whatever we’ll talk this out” Kirishima smiles sheepishly, rubbing his neck. 

Unfortunately, Kirishima was able to catch up to you, again. Damn elevator was slow as fuck. “Y/N, let me explain” Kirishima starts. “No, I get it. It’s top secret right?” you brushed him off. Kirishima frowns, “I purposely didn’t tell you because I knew you’d react this way!” he argues. You faced him, “so it’s my fault?” you point at yourself, raising your voice. 

Your classmates who were around turned their attention at the bickering couple in front of them. Kirishima takes a deep breath and grabs your hand. “We’re talking in my room. Now” he ushered— basically pushed you inside the elevator and quickly pressed the button to his floor. The whole elevator ride, Kirishima held your hand tight, despite your attempts of breaking away, he still held onto your hand tighter.

“I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d try and stop me from going,” Kirishima says as he closes the door. “If anything, you just made it worse for me” you retort, sitting on his bed. “Tell me, how did I make it fucking worse!” he exclaims, making you flinch from his sudden outburst. “You’d rather have me sit here and lose my fucking mind worrying about your well fucking being when God knows what the fuck happened to you?!” you fumed, getting all over his face. 

At this point, you didn’t care if his neighboring classmates could hear your argument.

“You’d risk your fucking life for the people in need and that’s what I worry about the most. You wouldn’t think twice to jump into action even if your life is on the line if it meant protecting the people you love and care about the most..” you paused. “and here I am, going crazy just thinking about any possible thing that could happen to you and what do you do? you keep things like this away from me” you sniffled

Kirishima’s face softened and walked closer to you. “I just..” you wiped the tears falling down from your face. “I just can’t stand seeing you get hurt, Eiji” you burst into tears. Kirishima suddenly pulls you close to him. He rubs your back gently as you continue to sob onto his chest. “Do you want to lie down?” Kirishima asked after you seemed to have calmed down a bit. You nod your head, feeling drained after crying a bit too much. 

“Can I stay here for the night?” you croaked, looking up at Kirishima with swollen eyes. He smiles softly and nods. Kirishima watched you crawl onto his bed and made yourself comfortable under his blankets. He later joins you and puts his arm under your head as you two begin to cuddle. 

“Kiri?” you call, feeling sleepy. “Hmm?” he hums, fixing your position. “Do you really have to go?” you murmured, scooting closer to him as you possibly can. “You know I have to,” he sighs. You stayed silent after that. After a while, Kirishima feels your breathing go steady meaning you have fallen asleep. 

He stares at the ceiling for God knows how long. He couldn’t sleep after the things you’ve told him. He never realized how much you worry about him. As he was waiting for the confirmation and important details for the operation that was coming, he couldn’t help but feel like something bad is going to happen to him. Here he was again just like a week ago, feeling useless all of a sudden.

The sound of his phone vibrating from his bedside table cut his train of thought. The text message he, along with Midoriya, Uraraka and Tsuyu have been anticipating for is finally here. There was no backing out from the operation anymore. 

Kirishima slowly removed his arm from your head and tip-toed out of his room to go downstairs to meet up with Midoriya, Uraraka and Tsuyu. Before he left, he took a good look at your sleeping figure in his bed. Smiling slightly to himself, he closed the door gently and met up with his friends downstairs.

Before they left for their mission, Kirishima didn’t forget to give you a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll be back soon”  

—

You wake up alone in his bed later that day. You ran downstairs to see if they were still there but nope, there was no Kirishima or Midoriya or Tsuyu or Uraraka around. Mina notices the frantic look on your face. “They went already, didn’t they?” you asked. Mina, Kaminari and Sero nod. 

“They’re gonna be alright Y/N” Sero comforts. “Yeah! like we witnessed how they’ve improved right? he, they would be back before we know it” Kaminari agrees with Sero. “Now c’mon let’s head to class” Mina grabs your hand and drags you to your own room so you could change into your uniform.

The whole morning, you felt so uneasy. You were a jittering mess to put it that way. Every time someone tapped on your shoulder, you’d jump. Scaring not only the person who’s tapping your shoulder but literally everyone around you.

Finally it was lunchtime and you sat with your friends, the Bakusquad™. “Oi Y/L/N, you’re not gonna eat?” Bakugou asks, noticing that you were playing with your food. “Huh?” you asked, dazed. Mina pouts, “Aish Y/N, don’t be like that! We already told you earlier right? they’ll be fine” she pouts. Suddenly, you had this feeling in your stomach that something was definitely wrong. 

“Mina, I don’t feel so good” you grimace, feeling nauseous all of a sudden. The boys immediately went around the table in case you were about to pass out at any moment. “We can take you to recovery girl if you’d like” Kaminari offers. Bakugou and Sero nod their heads. “Yeah Y/N, you look like you’re about to throw up” Sero points out. 

You wave them off, “No, I don’t need to see recovery girl. Let’s just go to class so it’ll be over with” Mina looked at you weirdly but complied anyway. She linked your arms together as you all walk back to class. “If this is all because of shitty hair, I'm beating him up for making you almost throw up” Bakugou comments from the back making you, and the rest of your friend laugh.

At least they’ve made an attempt to make you feel better even if it’s only for a while

-

You were now all back at the dorms. You’ve been texting Kirishima all day in case they were already done with their business but it seemed like he wasn’t gonna reply soon. You threw your phone at the couch and opened the TV instead.

Wrong move.

The news channel is on and it broadcasted the Shie Hassaikai Raid. You spot Uraraka and Tsuyu behind the reporter and instantly, you knew this was the operation they were talking about. “YOU GUYS! LOOK AT THE NEWS!” you called your classmates and they all immediately rushed to the common room.

“Oh my god..” Jirou covers her mouth in shock after watching the broadcast and how messy it looked. “Must be some top notch villain” Mineta comments. You grabbed your phone and again, you started spamming Kirishima’s phone along the lines of “Are you okay??” “Call me when you receive my texts ASAP” 

“Everyone, dinner is ready.” Iida announces, noticing the atmosphere was a bit gloomy. “and instead of us moping around, let us keep our spirits high and send out our prayers to our beloved classmates who are part of the raid so they can come back home to us safely, okay?” he reminds the class, trying to lift the mood.

Dinner went by quickly and you immediately went up to Mina’s room instead of staying in the common room where everyone was watching the news. “Are you sure you don’t want to be with our classmates downstairs? I’ll be fine here for a moment” you tell Mina as she closed the door.

“No, it’s alright. I don’t want you to be all alone and all during a time like this” she smiles, flopping down on her bed while you sat on the floor. You opened your gallery and scrolled through a bunch of photos of you and Kirishima together. Though it’s only been a day, you already missed him a lot.

“You know, Kirishima’s never like this before” Mina starts. You looked at her weirdly, “what do you mean?” you raised a brow. “Kirishima and I went to the same middle school” she shared. A look of amusement was evident on your face. ‘How come he never told me?’ you thought to yourself.

“Judging by your reaction, he never told you, didn’t he?” she giggled. You nod your head yes and motioned her to continue on what she was saying. “He was in class 1 while I was in class 4 but i’ve seen him around” she continues.

“And one day, I didn’t know if they were a villain or a hero but this huge guy just asked my classmates where this agency was and he was so scary face to face. Kirishima was there when it happened and he wanted to protect those girls but he just froze.. he couldn’t do anything to help and I guess that took a toll on him” she recalls, trying to remember what happened on that day. 

“He even apologized to the girls for not doing anything and I guess that’s where he started to be harsh on himself and worked hard to be where he is today” Mina concludes. You suddenly remembered the time Kirishima told you about the story of his scar and how it all seemed to connect as he once mentioned that he did hate his quirk once. 

With everything going on, you felt so overwhelmed that you started crying again. “Oh man, I didn't mean for you to cry” Mina yelps as she jumps down from her bed to comfort you. “Mina.. I’m scared” you sobbed onto your hands. Mina pouts, “Y/N, I know you are.. We all are..” she rubs your back soothingly.

“He still hasn’t responded to my texts and it’s already evening.. Who knows what happened to him– to them” you bawled your eyes out, throwing yourself onto Mina. “Y/N.. please stop crying.. It’s gonna be okay.. They’re gonna be okay..” she continues to rub your back, something Kirishima does when you’re stressed out over something. 

Boxes of tissues later, you and Mina are now passed out on her bed after a night filled with tears and snot. 

“Aye mornin’ girls- oh” Bakugou, Kaminari and Sero burst into Mina's room only to see the two of you passed out. “OI RACCOON EYES AND SHITTY FACE” Bakugou yells making you jolt out of bed. “Fucking hell Y/N, did you cry a fucking river here last night?” Bakugou comments, staring at the tissues scattered everywhere. You scoffed and checked your phone, still no reply from Kirishima. 

“I’m so tireeeed” Mina groans, burying her face into her pillows. “Y/N couldn’t stop crying last night I was surprised she didn’t get dehydrated” Mina giggles. “Shut up, Min” you covered your face in embarrassment making the boys chuckle. 

“Anyway our two beautiful ladies, breakfast is downstairs” Sero reminds. “I don’t want to eat” you say. “Nope, that’s not what you’re going to do” Kaminari nags. “Shitty face is gonna get his ass beaten for making you act like this” Bakugou growls and grabs your arm, dragging you to the dining area to eat alongside Mina of course.

All day today, the boys and Mina all made an effort to get your mind off of things. They even took it as far as confiscating your phone if it meant that you wouldn’t look at your phone every second of the day just to cry a second later.

“Can I please have my phone?” you pull your puppy eyes at Kaminari who was the keeper of your phone. Kaminari laughs obnoxiously, “No” you scowled, “Wait til I tell Eijirou” Kaminari shrugs and watches TV

After what felt like an eternity, the front door opened. Everyone’s heads perked up and lo and behold, it was Midoriya, Tsuyu, Uraraka and Kirishima.

“They’re back!” Mineta cried out as he ran over to them. “They’re back, you guys!” Everyone started to surround them. “We were so worried about you!” “I’m so glad you guys are back safe and sound” People are talking over one another and overall it was a mess. 

You stayed behind the crowd but kept your eye on Kirishima the whole time. He’s back! He’s back in one whole, Kirishima— your Kirishima was back. 

You found yourself walking towards him, you couldn’t wait to have him in your arms again safe and sound. “You guys just kept getting involved in crazy shit!” Kaminari exclaims. Midoriya and Kirishima share a look, “hehe sorry for not telling you guys sooner, they wouldn’t let us” Midoriya smiles sheepishly. 

It seemed like Kirishima found your eyes since a huge smile was suddenly plastered across his face. You felt the tears welling up again for what seems like the nth time today alone. Your lips quivered as you pushed passed Kaminari and now you were right in front of him. “H-Hi” you whispered. Kirishima couldn’t hold it anymore, he dropped his bag and engulfed you in his arms. 

“I was so fucking worried” you wailed. “It’s okay, I’m here now aren’t I?” Kirishima sniffles, hugging you tighter. 

“GUYS!” Iida interferes, “I know you’re worried, heck even I am but please calm yourselves! You saw the news didn’t you? A lot happened to them so let us give them some space!” he nags. Iida then turns to you, “this applies the same for you too, Y/L/N-san” 

“Uhh Iida?” Kirishima motions himself and you, “I’ll handle this” he mouths over to the class representative. Iida gives him a curt nod, “Very well.” 

You pulled away from his hug and cupped his cheeks. “You wouldn’t answer my texts and the fact you didn’t respond overnight, I was so fucking worried for you, I didn’t know what to do” you rambled making Kirishima chuckle. “Well you don’t have to worry about anything else, I’m here now. Back in your hold and you’ll never lose me like that ever again” he grins, showing his pointy whites. 

“OI Shitty hair” Bakugou calls, Kirishima whipped his head in his direction. “Ah Bakugou!” Kirishima smiles widely. “Just because you’re back doesn’t mean we’ll let you off that easily” Bakugou smiles devilishly at his friend. Kirishima looked down at you and gave you a confused look. 

“You made us suffer by making us take care of your crybaby” Bakugou points a finger at you. “Do you know how many boxes of tissues I had to ask Yaomomo?!” Mina adds, making everyone double over laughing. 

“You guys!” you complained, cheeks reddening. “Hey Kirishima” Mina calls, “You okay?” she asked. Kirishima’s grip on you tightened, “I’m not there yet..” he confessed to his childhood friend. Mina nods, “Don’t forget to tell me when you’ve completely gotten over it okay?” she smiles sweetly before running to Ochaco and Tsuyu. 

—

“She told you, didn’t she?” Kirishima asks as you two enter his room. “Yep and your scar story seemed to connect with it so I connected the dots and boom. Now I understand everything about you” you smiled. Kirishima changes into pajamas and quickly hops onto bed with you.

“Everything about me hmm?” he murmurs against your skin as he snakes his arm on your waist. “Yep” you say, popping the letter ‘P’ at the end making him chuckle. “I love you” you stroke his cheek with the pads of your thumb before closing the distance between the two of you.

“I love you too.” 

[sambergscott]

a little drabble inspired by this message from @fourdrinkamy​ ant how big and alert mac’s eyes are!! i'm gonna go cry again

it’s crazy that waking up at 6.30am is considered a lie in for him now. with a newborn, who is half-santiago, long gone are the days he’d sleep in til noon. most days he’s up before it’s even light outside. his coffee intake has more than quadrupled, but it’s totally worth it to hang out with the baby they wanted for so long.

his bed is empty, which is a little unusual. amy likes to stay in bed with mac in the mornings and snuggle under the covers and finish last night’s crossword together (she gives him the clues and pretends he knows the answer, booping him on his lil nose before filling in the appropriate boxes) (it’s the cutest thing in the entire world).

he fumbles for the baby monitor on his nightstand, blindly turning it on. it crackles, then he hears amy’s laughter.

he’s always loved her laugh. the way her eyes crinkle in the corners, the way she tilts her head, the way she keeps a not-so-secret note in her phone of the funniest things he’s said (she started it when he was in florida) (it was rosa’s idea to help ease the pain of missing him) (whenever he catches her adding to it he falls in love even more and gets brainstorming on the next joke).

he still thinks about their undercover date as johnny and dora when she said him making her laugh was how she knew he was the one. he’s always been the class clown (or now, precinct clown) (terry literally hired him to be a clown at cagney and lacey’s 3rd birthday party) but ever since he met her outside that elevator, he’s really only cared about making one person laugh.

her.

thrilled that their son has inherited his comedic talents, and already missing his 2 favourite people, he hops out of bed and heads for the nursery, leaning against the door frame to take in the tableau.

amy is in the rocking chair her mom and dad gave them (it was the one they used for all their babies and as amy was their only daughter, they thought it was the perfect baby gift), mac swaddled in her arms. she has her phone out, showing him something, and mac’s big, alert eyes are staring right at it, a tiny baby smile tracing his lips.

“thought we had a no screen time before 9am rule?”

she glances up at him, her own smile widening. “i guess motherhood has turned me into a rebel”

“oh yeah, you’re a total rebel” he teases, thinking back to yesterday when they went to ikea for some finishing touches to the nursery and she made him walk all the way round to go back and get something they forgot, just so they weren’t walking against the direction of the arrows. “what’s so important that it’s got you breaking rules, santiago?”

“oh, nothing” she shrugs, acting cool. “just showing him some pictures”

he narrows his eyes suspiciously. call it detective intuition. “what pictures?”

“just some ones of you, doesn’t matter”

he pieces together the final piece of the puzzle (metaphorically, of course, because he always loses at least one piece and it drives amy crazy that they can never finish a 2,000 piece puzzle that they’ve spent days working on). “YOU’RE SHOWING HIM THE NOSE RING PHOTO!”

“what? no” she says way too quick and he can see through her lies like the perp he arrested last week that denied stabbing a guy, despite holding a knife and being covered in blood

“you swore you would never tell anyone!”

“and i’ve kept that promise all these years! i just got my phone out to take a picture of him making a cute face and then my phone said my storage was full, you know, because i’ve been taking so many pictures of him, and then i was going back and deleting stuff from my camera roll when i found it”

“i have never felt more betrayed. and by my own wife” he makes a noise of disgust

“i’m sorry, babe, but it’s just so funny. he loves it, look”

he walks over to them and watches as amy swipes right to a random picture of some binders and then left, back to the nose ring photo, mac’s face lighting up at the offending image

“you think laughing at daddy is cool, pal?” he points an accusing finger at mac who makes a gurgling happy sound (that’s not quite a laugh yet, but is the closest baby version to it and is his new favourite sound in the world) (even better than taylor’s bridge in last kiss and the way amy says his name whenever he’s done something sweet)

“only when he has long hair and a nose ring” amy responds on mac’s behalf

“hilarious” he deadpans, rolling his eyes. he cut his hair years ago and yet his wife will not let him live it down

“you tell him embarrassing stories about me!” she cries

“amy, all your embarrassing stories are that you got an a- on a test once or you solved a case in two weeks instead of one or your ponytail wasn’t quite as shiny as it usually is. it’s not nose ring level embarrassing”

“fine,” she concedes “i apologise, i won’t bring it up again. unless he wants a nose ring, in which case it is my duty as his mom to show him how dumb he’d look”

“fine,” he agrees, ignoring the hurtful comment. he actually looked super cool and he scored one whole date because of the nose ring until it got infected and he had to take it out and the girl was no longer interested. whatever. her loss. he ended up with his dream girl anyway

“want to hold him and make friends again while i go change into something not covered in baby spit-up?”

“always.” he carefully accepts the precious cargo, bouncing him gently in his arms. he kisses amy before she leaves the room, squashing mac in between them, and spends the next 20 minutes showing mac all his amy photos, the 9am rule be damned

(yeah, he’s a rebel too. he once had a freakin’ nose ring)

when amy returns in clean clothes and her natural curls that she hasn’t bothered taming since mac was born, she raises her eyebrows. “showing him embarrassing photos of me? low blow, peralta”

“i’m actually not, santiago,” he says snarkily, then murmurs “i couldn’t find any” under his breath

“then why have you still got a screen in front of him?” she rests one hand on her hip

“i’m showing him normal pictures of you. he needs to see how pretty his mom is, babe! it’s a rite of passage! like a bar mitzvah”

she gets this soft look on his face despite herself and he would pat himself on the back if he weren’t holding his son

“for the record,” he adds, “he thinks his mom is suuuuper pretty. the prettiest mom in the entire world”

“he told you that did he?” she laughs

“mm-hmm. we’re bros so he confided in me, he probably wouldn’t say it again while you’re around but he’s definitely thinking it”

“well thank you my little macaroni,” she coos and honest to god, the nickname (of his nickname) was only supposed to be a joke at first, but now it’s kind of stuck and their entire family are calling him macaroni

(charles loves it)

(the first time hitchcock and scully heard it, on the other hand, they thought someone had brought in a delicious bowl of macaroni and cheese and were highly disappointed that they were just talking about the baby again, storming back to their desks in a huff)

“i think you’re very handsome too, mr mac”

“i told you, ames. he’s liquid fire. liquid. fire.”

she laughs again and mac gurgles and he thinks that if he can spend his entire life doing that, making his 2 favourite people laugh, then they’re going to be ok

[mhdiaries]

Wave 3 Howleen Wolf Diary

On the 20th of July

Clawd got to go away to football camp, Clawdeen got to go to Gloom Beach with Draculaura and Frankie on the Stein family vacation, and I have to stay at home this summer cause my parents think I’ve got some “growing up to do.” It is so not scare! I’m just as mature as Clawd and Clawdeen. I hardly ever chew anything I’m not supposed to anymore, Clawdeen says I don’t take showers but that’s not true - I just don’t take them as long as she does! I don’t think age has anything to do with being mature either cause I have this friend who is a gargoyle and she’s like way older than me - okay well it’s not like gargoyles count their birthdays the same way as werewolves do but she is totally not mature. I mean she likes a new boy like almost every day and most of them are not even that cute. I would never do that - you know not like a boy if he wasn’t cute cause I would so like a boy who was sweet and nice to me even if he wasn’t totally creepy cute. I can keep secrets too which my other who’s a banshee can’t do. If you tell her something she like screams it out at the top of her lungs. Even Clawdeen totally treats me like I’m still a little cub. Not only did she take all of her most creepy cool clothes with her to Gloom Beach but she also put a lock and chain on her closet. Whatever... I’m going to sleep in her bed and eat all the snacks she left in her mini-fridge. Then I’m going to let every monster know how miserable I am by not talking for the rest of the summer. Yeah, that’ll really show mom and dad how mature I am. 

On the 25th of July

Ode to Cushion

Cushion is my hedgehog. She is sharp and poky. Cushion eats worms. My sister thinks eating worms is gross. My sister has to leave the room when I feed Cushion. Would you like another worm? Good Cushion. The End.

On the 30th of July

Some days I wish I had a remote control that let me change the channel on my style - cause right now I feel like I’m totally stuck watching the same lame... lol that rhymed... show over and over. When we were cubs, Clawdeen and I could watch the same episode of a TV show over and over and never get bored. I can still quote entire shows by heart and sometimes just saying a random line like, “Well, it’s certainly uncontaminated by cheese,” can make us laugh til we howl if I say it at the right time. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the remote control. I’d love to change the channel on the show my hair is starring in, because I really hate how it ends. Oh well, hopefully dying it orange to go with my favorite color of blue will make it easier to watch. Now I just have to decide do I turn up the volume to 10 by combining stripes and plaids or maybe I’ll mix a jean vest, knee socks and hiking boots with one of Clawdeen’s haunt couture skirts and make it go to 11.

On the 1st of August

Clawdeen came home today and she actually gave me a hug when she saw me. I guess I kind of missed her a little, or maybe a lot, too. She is my big sis after all, even if she is a pain in the fang sometimes. 

On the 18th of August

I was in a boo funk this morning and I must have sighed one to many times cause Mom told me if I was going to mope around the house and get in her way then I either had to grab a broom and help her clean or go mope somewhere else. I think “mope” is a funny word... it sounds like it could be a character in a cub’s book... “There once was a mope who wouldn’t use soap and though its mom begged it always said, “Nope.” So I took my mope and went to the Maul. I didn’t really have enough money to buy anything cool but I went anyway. Going to the Maul always makes Clawdeen happy doesn’t matter if she’s by herself or in a group. It only makes me happy if I’m hanging out there with my friends - who were all doing something else today. I saw Heath Burns and Deuce haunting out butt I only said “Hi”. Deuce is cool but Heath is... Heath. Clawdeen says Heath’s like a stray puppy; “If you feed him anything he’ll follow you home.” So I kept on walking and didn’t stop to talk. I looked through a few shops and was going to head home when I walked by the music store and heard some monster playing a guitar. It sounded pretty clawsome and I just had to go in and check it out. What was even more clawsome was that it was a ghoul who was playing. I was totally staring at her... lame I know, but honest to claw it was like some kind of magic spell... okay it was still lame to stare. Then she turned around and caught me staring. I thought she was going to be mad but instead she waved me over. I found out that her name is Operetta and that she is going to be starting at Monster High in the fall. Her hair is redder than mine and she’s got this creepy cool beauty mark on the left side of her face that goes all the way down her arm. She also has this accent that’s a total howl. I asked if she would teach me how to play but she said “No.” I was disappointed but she explained that she loved playing and singing more than anything and if I took lessons from her she would expect me to love it just as much as she did. She told me that she didn’t think I was at that place yet but she did show me a few cords and I picked up what she taught pretty quick. I did sign up for a week of free lessons at the music store and who knows, maybe it’ll be something that I really love doing and not just because it makes me stand out from the other monsters I know. 

On the 21st of August

At soccer practice today a ghoul who played on a werewolf cup team came and played a practice game with us. She was really creepy cool and a scary good player. She was so good that I was only able to steal the ball from her a couple of times during the game. After practice was over our coach asked her to talk to the team and give us some pointers. When she was done talking and the team was leaving, she and the coach called me over. I thought I must have done something wrong but she just wanted to tell me that I had a of talent and could be a really great player if I kept working hard. Then my coach told me that I was already a better soccer player than Clawdeen was at my age. I don’t think my feet touched the ground all the way home. No monster has ever told me that I was better than my sister at anything. Well, technically my parents are always telling me that I’m the best at being who I am and that Clawdeen could never beat me at being me but that’s totally different. Anyway, I was planning on telling the story to the whole family over dinner just so I could see the look on Clawdeen’s face but somehow it didn’t feel right to do that so I kept it to myself. When dinner was over, Clawdeen and me had to clean up and right in the middle of doing dishes she told me that she ran into coach at the Maul. Then she said, “He told me he thinks you could be a better player than me if you keep working hard.” The next thing I thought she was going to say was something like, “Over my cold dead spikes.” Only that’s not what she said at all. Instead she kind of smiled and said, “Well duh, tell me something I didn’t know.” I must have looked like a wolf caught in the moonlight cause then she said, “What?” “It’s not like he said you had a sense of fashion or anything.” Then I squirted her with the sink sprayer, which started a massive water fight. Clawd came in right in the middle to try and “alpha” us into stopping. It worked. We stopped attacking each other and started soaking him. It took us an extra hour to mop up, but it was so much fun, I don’t know what could have happened to make Clawdeen change so much over one summer. 

On the 31st of August

I love our family cookouts. It’s one of my favorite things we do in the summer because all of my older brothers and sisters who’ve moved out, and have their own families now, show up with all of my nieces and nephews. There are cubs running everywhere, kisses and hugs, laughing and crying and sometimes you have to yell just to be heard. It’s crazy chaotic and a howling good time! The food is amazing too and there’s lots and lots of it. Draculaura usually comes over too which might seem strange that a vampire would come to a werewolf gathering but she’s such a part of the family that when she doesn’t show up to one of our cookouts everyone is bummed she’s not there. My dad even leaves part of the grill open for her tofu hotdogs, which aren’t bada if you put enough batchup, monstard and onions on them to disguise the taste of the tofu =). We also have a monster softball game in the open field behind our house. This year we played until it was almost dark, and the stars were just coming out; then they started coming down! We all ran to the house and grabbed blankets and sleeping bags and ran back out and just lay there watching them fall. You’re supposed to be able to make wishes on falling stars and they’ll come true, but there were so many falling that I ran out of wishes for real things and started wishing for silly things. I hope wishing that ice scream would appear every time I snap my fingers doesn’t cancel out my wish for perfectly straight hair. Oh well, it’s probably not likely either wish would ever come true but it was fun to hang out on a perfect night and pretend someday they might. Hee hee another rhyme. 

[kutemouse]

Caught (Part One)

Disclaimers: All “Save Me” webtoon and BTS MV/highlight reel/film references and plots belong to BTS and BigHit. All pictures of Kim Taehyung belong to BTS and BigHit, I just edited them for my header. The picture of BTS came from Vogue Japan, I just edited it for my header.

A Note from Kutemouse: I know, I know, this has been a long time coming, and I’m so sorry it took so long for me to post this!! I’ve actually had it written for a while, but today was the first day I was able to get up and do some stuff. Pregnancy is rough! Oh, that’s right, if you haven’t seen it yet, I made a Big Announcement earlier today that explains why I’ve been so inactive lately, and also explains my plans for the future.

Age Recommendation: 21+ (this is NOT one for youngsters, kuties, and is MOST DEFINITELY NSFW)

Genre: Mafia!AU w/ BTS, Jailbird!AU w/ Taehyung, Yandere!BTS

Warnings: Not many warnings for this part, kuties. Swears, I guess. Unsupportive SO? Kidnapping. Use of chloroform.

Word Count: About 3k

Summary: Kim Taehyung was the absolute love of your life… until he became a murderer. With him serving a life sentence in prison, you were finally free to live out the rest of your life however you wanted. Just when you thought you were at the top of your game, ready to take on the world, Taehyung reappears like a monster not even your worst nightmares could dream up. He gives you a year to fall in love with him, but now the question is, can monsters even be loved?

Master List

Tag List: @chocolatewolfuniversitytrash​ @btssmutheaven​ @taemaknae​ @rebeccawoodrow​ @sassysaxsolo​ @iconicgguk​

If you want to be added, just lmk!

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Caught (Taehyung Series, Yandere, Smut, Angst) Part One

We were skipping class in the school greenhouse, enjoying the humid warmth and the earthy smell wafting from the plants. We were talking, I forget about what. What I remember most is fiddling with his large, rough hands, intertwining my fingers between his over and over again. I remember his deep laugh that seemed to rumble through the recesses of my soul. I remember glee blooming in my chest whenever he grinned at me. 

His tone was teasing, mine was indignant yet flirtatious. Again, I forget what we said to each other, but I clearly remember those two words. “Kiss me.”

I gaped at him. “What?”

“Kiss me,” he repeated.

I hesitated. “Here? Now?”

Taehyung leaned down, tilting his head, until his lips hovered over mine. I felt each of his exhales on my skin, practically heard my heartbeat speed up.

“Kiss. Me.” It was barely a whisper, yet it resonated through my body, down my spine and throughout my limbs.

Without another word, I pressed my lips to his, melding them to fit his, a thrill running through me at his appreciative groan.

He pulled back, his inky eyes somehow growing darker. “I love you, baby girl.”

I sat up, gasping. Blood rushed to my head, making me see stars. With a groan, I covered my face with my hands.

“Sweetie?”

My fiancé, Lee Chanwook, rolled over and peered at me. “You okay?” he asked, his voice husky from lack of use.

“Yeah. Fine. Just had a dream, go back to sleep.”

“You sure?”

I nodded. He rolled over, his breath growing deep and even as he fell back into the reaches of slumber. If I could be so lucky. I hadn’t thought about Kim Taehyung in… well, it had to be almost a year now. Or two. I wasn’t sure.

Either way, my life moved on without him after shit completely hit the fan. My aunt and I agreed I shouldn’t transfer schools, since I only had a month or so left til graduation. I graduated alongside Chaeyoung, who seemed to be my only friend after Taehyung got arrested. She held my hand tightly the entire ceremony, only letting go when I was called to accept my diploma.

As soon as I graduated, Aunt Sunhee and I moved into her place in Busan. It was a tidal wave of change. Compared to my mom’s cramped, two-bedroom apartment, my aunt’s large house was a mansion. She recently obtained a position as COO of a large company and applied for custody of me immediately after.

Before we moved, I found my aunt’s letters my mom had hidden from me. My aunt had tried to call me multiple times but was never able to reach me. She even flew out to see me a couple of times, but all it took was my mother calling me at school and telling me I needed to stay at a friend’s house for me to stay away. I guess my mom was scared she would lose me.

Yet that’s exactly what happened in the end. My aunt paid for my mom to go to a rehabilitation center, but after only a few weeks, the center called my aunt letting her know my mother had disappeared. Aunt Sunhee called the police and even hired a private investigator, but my mom was nowhere to be found. I succumbed to the realization that she was probably dead. I didn’t get out of bed for weeks afterward.

A year and a massive amount of therapy sessions later, I decided I wanted to do something with my life. I was already attending university to obtain a business degree, but I hungered for more. My aunt got me an internship within her company, and I learned a lot just by working under her. Four years later, with a bachelor’s degree in hand, my aunt hired me as her executive assistant, and I took a year off before going to graduate school to both work and plan my wedding.

I was introduced to Chanwook at a company get-together. He was the son of one of my aunt’s business associates, and he caught my eye almost immediately. Mostly it was the way he was the exact opposite of the boy I hadn’t been able to get my mind off of. He was a stickler for the rules, had a great relationship with his parents, and never, ever did anything that would cross the line or damage his flawless reputation. He was kind and funny, but there was no wild or daring side to him. At the time, he was exactly what I needed.

He helped me forget about Taehyung. In the years before then, whenever I had a spare moment for my mind to drift, Taehyung’s wide, boxy grin and deep voice would float into my thoughts. I spent days wondering what went wrong. When had he become a murderer? At what point did he crack? Why hadn’t I noticed sooner?

Chaeyoung and I kept in touch, and I heard some details of Taehyung’s trial from her. I heard he was sentenced to life in prison without parole, due to the one count of murder against him. It would have been two, but Taehyung’s dad’s body was never found. No one was even sure he was dead.

I spent many nights staring at the ceiling, thinking back to the night when Namjoon got that frantic phone call from Taehyung. When Jungkook wouldn’t let me see him. When he completely disappeared for that entire week.

I had no doubt he killed his father. I don’t think he did it maliciously or intentionally. I think he found the strength inside of himself to fight back, and it ended in a death. It didn’t make the murderous act any less horrifying, but it did make me wonder just how deep the darkness inside Taehyung ran. Was he really the monster the media made him out to be?

Aunt Sunhee caught me one night poring over article after article covering Taehyung’s trial. “Y/n, you can’t keep doing this,” she said, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder. “You need to move on with your life.”

It took a long time, but eventually, I stopped surfing the internet for mentions of Taehyung’s story. My conversations with Chaeyoung grew few and far between until they stopped completely. Memories of Tae’s smile, his voice, his laugh, his lips, faded away. I even changed my last name to “Park” both so I’d be recognized as my aunt’s relative, and so no one from my past could find me. Four long years later, I was finally free of Kim Taehyung.

Or so I thought.

Apparently, my damn subconscious didn’t want to let him go. I rubbed at my eyes, trying to wipe away the image of his smiling face. I never imagined that, years later, he would still be haunting me.

I got out of bed, wrapping a robe around my body before stepping out onto our apartment’s deck. The cool, four-in-the-morning air roused my senses even further awake. I stayed like that until the sun began to peek over the edge of the horizon, thinking of Kim Taehyung and our shared past.

“Hey,” Chanwook said, coming up from behind to wrap his arms around me. “Have you been out here all night?”

“Not all night,” I replied. “Just since I woke up from that dream.”

“Mmmm,” he hummed sleepily in response. “Was it a good dream?”

I bit my lip, mulling his question over. “No,” I finally said. “It was more like a nightmare.”

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

That afternoon, I yawned as I re-read the same sentence for the umpteenth time, willing my brain to focus. “You look like you need a cup of coffee,” my coworker, Lisa, said.

“That would be nice,” I murmured in response, still trying to focus.

She stood and grabbed her purse. “I’ll get yours with an extra shot of espresso,” she said.

“Just so you know, I absolutely adore you.”

She blew me a kiss accompanied by a cheeky wink. “I know. Be back in fifteen.”

With the promise of caffeine on the way, I sat back in my chair and rubbed my temples, telling myself I’d get back to that report later. My cell phone began to buzz, and I picked it up, frowning at the unknown number.

“Hello?”

“Miss Park?”

“Yes, that’s me.”

“Hello, my name is Choi Yeonjun. I’m a representative of the company Bangtan Enterprises.”

“Never heard of it.”

A chuckle came through from the other end. “That’s because we’re a small start-up just breaking into Seoul’s business world.”

“And what does that have to do with me?”

“Miss Park, we’ve been made aware of your extraordinary skills and experience. Your aunt is COO of her company, correct? And you’ve been working under her for how long?”

“Well, if you’re including my internship, about five years now.”

“Excellent.”

“Mr. Choi, what is this about?” I asked as politely as I could.

“As a start-up company, we’re in need of experienced people to help run it,” he explained. “We’re prepared to offer you the COO position here at Bangtan, which comes with your own office, and we’ll double your salary.”

My mouth dropped open. “Double?”

“Double.”

I shook my head in an attempt to pull myself together. This opportunity was huge. I’d been accused of exploiting nepotism in order to get where I was today, but this could be my chance to prove all my naysayers wrong. I could show them I was entirely capable of forging my own path.

Still, I wasn’t going to just jump at this. I pulled my keyboard towards me and searched Bangtan Enterprises. Only a few results came up, but they confirmed my hopes into reality. Bangtan Enterprises was indeed a start-up, but it was based on a very profitable idea and, from the looks of it, had already lined up some high-end clients.

“And you said you’re based in Seoul?” I asked.

“That’s correct.”

So I’d either have to move there or split my time between Busan and there. I chewed my lip, wondering what Chanwook would think. “Your offer is very generous, Mr. Choi. May I have some time to think about it?”

He chuckled once more. “Unfortunately for you, you are not our only candidate. You’re our first choice, but there are others who are willing to start as soon as tomorrow.”

I clenched my phone. “No! I mean, that’s fine. I’ll take it.”

I knew I might regret it later, but this was a hell of an opportunity. Besides, it wasn’t like I signed a contract. I still had time to back out.

“Excellent. We’ll send you an official offer via email. When is the earliest you can start?”

“Don’t tease me, Mr. Choi,” I said playfully. “I thought you said my competition could start tomorrow.”

“That may be true, but—”

“Well, anything they can do, I can do better. I’ll send you my plane’s arrival time.”

“We’ll have a car waiting.”

I swiped off the call, anticipation flooding through me, causing a burst of excited energy to run through my veins.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

“You what?” Chanwook gaped at me.

“I said yes,” I replied nervously. I just told my fiancé about the new job, and he seemed to think it was great up until I said I accepted.

“Sweetie,” he groaned, placing his hands on my shoulders. “Are you serious?”

I frowned. “Yes, of course I am. I wouldn’t joke about something like this, Chan.”

“Well, you’ll just have to tell them you can’t take it anymore.”

I scoffed. “And why not?”

“Because we have a great life here. You make plenty, I make more than plenty. Why do you need another job?”

“Maybe I don’t need it,” I retorted. “Maybe I want it.”

“Want to move away from here? Miles away from your friends, your family?”

I scowled at him in response.

He sighed. “Y/n… answer me honestly. Is this about your mom?”

I snorted in disgust. “Seriously, Chan?!”

“It’s a valid question! Are you sure you don’t only want to go to Seoul to see if you could find her?”

“No, that’s not the reason I want to go to Seoul!”

“Then why?”

“Because! This is something that I earned, that I did on my fucking own. In fact, this will be the first and only thing that’s mine alone.”

“That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it? My job? Came from my aunt. My business degree? My aunt’s money. This apartment?” I said, gesturing around the room. “Your money.”

“So what?”

“So I want something for myself. We don’t have to move to Seoul, you know. I know your job is here, and I’d be willing to make the commute. You know, stay four days there, three days here, or something.”

Chanwook scoffed. “Do you even hear yourself?!” he shouted. “We are getting married! Planning on starting a life, here, in Busan! If you want a job based on your own merit and not because your aunt took pity on you, then find one here.”

I was rendered entirely speechless for a good few moments before I was able to gather myself back together. “I cannot believe how unsupportive you’re being,” I said through gritted teeth. “I’m taking that job. It’s your choice whether you’ll let that affect our relationship or not.”

“Fine!”

“Fine.”

I turned and grabbed my suitcase before stomping out the door, intent on going straight to my aunt’s. If Chanwook was going to be a total ass, I didn’t want to be around him. Thankfully, Aunt Sunhee wasn’t there to ask prying questions when I entered the house with my spare key. I walked up to my old room and hopped on my computer to search for flights from Busan to Seoul. This was my dream. And nothing, nothing at all, was going to stop me from achieving it.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

I walked briskly toward my destination, my heels clicking on the airport floor. As promised, a car was waiting for me, along with another passenger in the backseat. “Miss Park,” he said, extending his hand towards me as soon as I buckled up.

His voice sounded familiar. “Mr. Choi?”

“You can call me Yeonjun,” he said, his blonde hair falling over his left eye.

“And you can continue calling me Miss Park.”

He tossed me a smirk. “So, the boss would like to speak with you,” he said easily. “Nothing to be nervous for, he just wants to get to know you. However, he has an important meeting to attend over on the other side of town for which he’s requested your presence.”

“So this car is going straight there?”

“No, you’ll switch to his car once we get to the office. That way, you’ll have time to get reacquainted.”

I frowned. “Reacquainted?”

Yeonjun chuckled. “I meant acquainted. Slip of the tongue.”

“If you say so.”

We spent the rest of the ride in silence, something I was surprised over. I thought he would want to go over my contract or something, but I supposed that would all come later. The driver pulled the car into a parking structure, causing the interior to instantly darken.

“There it is,” Yeonjun said, pointing. A sleek, black SUV sat in the middle of the road, effectively blocking our way. “Go on. Mr. Kim is waiting for you.”

A shiver ran down my spine at the mention of my new boss’s name. Thoughts of Taehyung rushed through my mind, but I shoved them away. Kim was a common enough last name. I stepped out of the car, pulling my suitcase from the trunk before walking towards the SUV. Yeonjun did not follow. After stowing my luggage in the trunk, I opened the side door and hopped in.

A figure sat on the bench across from me, his face covered in shadow. “Mr. Kim? Hi, I’m Park Y/n,” I said, extending my hand. He did not take it.

“I know who you are,” he said, his voice an eerily familiar deep tone.

“Oh, of course you do. Yeonjun said you wanted to get to know me… What would you like to know?”

“I know everything about you already, baby girl.”

I narrowed my eyes, trying to see through the darkness that covered his face. “S-Sorry?”

“I said,” he replied, leaning forward. The light caught onto his inky eyes, causing me to gasp. “I know everything about you already, Y/n.”

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Kim Taehyung was leaning towards me, a smirk dancing around the corners of his mouth. Sure, he looked slightly different. Older. More mature. He had definitely filled out, and his hair was now a complimentary jet-black falling attractively into his dark eyes.

“Hey baby girl,” he said, his smirk widening. “You lost?”

My body suddenly jumped into full-blown panic, and I grabbed at the car door’s handle, shrieking once I realized it wouldn’t open. Taehyung forcefully wrapped his arms around me, pinning me hard to his chest, clamping a hand tightly over my mouth. “None of that now,” he hissed.

I bit him, causing him to yelp, and continued trying to escape, fumbling at the lock that stood between him and my freedom. Taehyung pulled a handkerchief and a bottle from his jacket pocket, putting a dab of whatever liquid was inside on the cloth before clamping it over my mouth. His chuckle came out as more of a wheeze as he held me to his chest. “Damn, baby girl,” he said. “I hoped I wouldn’t have to resort to this, but here we are.”

With each one of his words, my field of vision grew smaller and smaller until my eyes rolled into the back of my head, and I felt myself falling into a state of unconsciousness not even the fear of death itself could fight off.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Part Two is Here! 😉

[drummergirl231-2]

So the plan is to disclose my Autism to my employer today.

I. Am. Terrified.  And I don’t speak well when I’m terrified. 

(Note: This post has basically become my journal for all this work craziness, and for the few of you following the ordeal, please skip to the bottom for the most recent update.)

Disclosing my Misophonia when I was first hired didn’t go well. I’d specifically applied to work on the stock team. I’d worked on a stock team before. I loved it. I was good at it. I could handle the work environment. 

Fast forward to orientation at this new job. I find out during my orientation, after they’d interviewed and hired me, that I would be working at the registers for the first three months of my employment and then be moved to work on the sales floor, even though I specifically applied for the stock team.

I knew this would be awful with my Misophonia (never mind my Autism) so I went to talk to my boss at the end of the shift and disclosed my Misophonia and asked if I could work on the stock team. 

She said, “Honey, if you have a disability, you need to disclose that in your job application or in the interview!” Well, no I don’t. Not by law. I’d been denied housing over Misophonia and Autism before. I wasn’t about to disclose it to a potential employer when it never really hindered me at my last stock team job. 

She said, “There’s a spot on job applications where it asks you if you have a disability and you say ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ You can’t lie on an application.” But that’s also wrong. The question is always, “Can you do the job for which you are applying with or without reasonable accommodation?” And of course, my answer was “Yes,” because I was applying for the stock team. And then sometimes there are some questions for statistics’ sake on a job application where it says “Do you have a disability?” and the answers are “Yes,” “No,” or “Choose not to answer.” I choose not to answer. 

So I was not at all dishonest in my job application, but she was dishonest with me by hiring me for a job that is the exact opposite of what I applied for without even telling me in the interview what job I was really being interviewed for.

Then she said, “You have to tell people you have this, because I wouldn’t have hired you if I didn’t think you could do the job.” And this wasn’t a, “I believe you can do it and the proof is that I hired you!” This was a, “If you’d told me, I wouldn’t have made the mistake of offering you employment.” This was discrimination. And she said, “Do you think you can do this job?”

I tried to ask about the stock team again, and she said, “Well there are noises in the stock room, too... fans and other machines and people moving boxes...” She hadn’t heard of Misophonia five minutes before and now she was telling me what I could and couldn’t handle. But she gave me two options: try to work at the registers, or tell her, “Sorry, I guess I can’t work here after all.”

I did better than I expected at the registers, but the weird thing about Misophonia is that it sometimes eases up in new places temporarily. It still really messes with me, though. And working the registers is still terrifying because of my Autism, as is working the sales floor. I am not suited for this. If I belong anywhere in a retail store, it’s the stock room, working early in the morning when the store is closed. 

I’m hypervigilant at work, terrified of customers (I had more verbally abusive customers over back-to-school season this year than I had over the whole year I worked there), I’m exhausted, I can barely maintain my weight (we’re talking 89 lbs on a 5′3″ frame on a good day... that’s 40 kg and 160 cm), and it’s only going to get worse with the holidays coming up. 

I’d worked three Christmases in retail before working for this company, and I still loved Christmas, but after last year working for this company I started to hate Christmas, and I vowed to get out before this holiday season. It’s too late. I tried to get my old job back but that store has a new manager and she didn’t pick me, even though my previous boss there would offer me my job back whenever I was home from school without me even having to ask for it again. They liked me that much.

So my only options are 1. to suffer through this Christmas like last year, 2. quit without any other job lined up and no guarantee of employment when the holidays are over, or 3. try to disclose my Autism which has a huge flipping stigma attached to it and ask to be moved to the position in the store I applied for in the first place.

If she says “No,” I may have to quit anyway because I just can’t do this again. The other store never treated me like this (and they allowed me to practice my religious beliefs, too, which this store does not, violating Title VII). I feel so trapped and so lied to, tricked into doing a job that I just can’t handle, and I just know she’s going to turn it around on me and paint me as the dishonest one for not telling her about my Autism earlier.

Anyway, if you read all this... I am impressed. If you didn’t, I totally understand. If you’re the praying sort, please pray for me.

Update: Boss wasn’t there. She won’t be back ‘til Wednesday, so I’ll talk to her then. I did disclose my Autism to my favorite supervisor though, and she was cool. And she promised she wouldn’t tell anyone.

Another Update (10/22/19): Today a supervisor called me in to the office and had me shut the door. She had another person who does HR stuff there as a witness. She said the supervisor I’d talked to yesterday told them I wanted to be moved off the sales floor to accommodate a medical issue, and asked me if that was correct. I said. “Close to correct... but she said she wouldn’t tell anyone, so that’s cool...”

She told me that supervisor was required to tell management about this sort of thing, because if I have a disability that needs accommodating, I need to disclose that to management. I said, “I was going to disclose it to her” (my boss) “tomorrow when she’s back.” She said my boss is going on vacation though, so she’s acting as management. 

So, with all my nervous ticks kicking in (excessive swallowing and inability to inhale so I constantly feel like I’m talking with the last bit of breath in my lungs) I told them everything. I told them I have Autism and applied to work on the stock team because I know I can do that well, how it would benefit the store to have me doing what I’m best at, how I was hired for a position I didn’t apply for and not told until orientation, how my boss said when I told her I have Misophonia “You have to disclose these things in your job application because I wouldn’t have hired you if I thought you couldn’t do this job,” how that made me afraid to talk about my Autism, and how by law I don’t have to say anything. I said I was only saying anything now because I’ve been dealing with burnout, and for the longest time I didn’t want to admit it because it’s retail and duh, we’re all stressed, but I never felt this kind of burnout working on the stock team of my other job. They only had me do sales floor stuff once a week, and that alone was exhausting for me. So I have grown in that area, but it’s still to much.

She said they definitely do want all their associates to be doing their best, so she was going to send in some accommodation work to people above her and they’d probably ask me for paperwork from my medical provider. I said, “I don’t have a medical provider. I don’t have insurance or a doctor... but I do have a letter from a counselor that says I’ve been diagnosed with Autism.” 

She said, “I don’t know exactly what they’ll ask of you, but you’ll need to provide them with whatever paperwork they ask for and I’m gonna be honest, we’re heading into the fourth quarter here so I’m not sure what we’ll be able to do or how soon so for the time being you’ll have to keep working the sales floor.”

I don’t see why they can’t make the lateral move sooner. We’re hiring for the holidays. I’m sure they have a position open. Why not have me finish this week and next week, which I’m already scheduled for, and then put me in the stock room ‘just because’ while all this paperwork is being done to say I need to work back there because of my Autism? If this is going to take until January because they’re so busy with the holidays coming, I’ll have to leave my job.

Another Update (11/15/19): The good news is, they told me shortly after the above conversation that they heard back from the people above them and they said “We’re going to try to accommodate you the best we can.” The bad news is everything else. In this meeting, the same supervisor I’d talked to in the previous one, told me “We don’t have an actual stock team position. And [our manager] made that perfectly clear to you when she hired you and you disclosed your Misophonia, remember?” Why yes, she did, HOWEVER: that didn’t explain why they advertised an available stock team position which is what prompted me to apply in the first place, and it also doesn’t explain why there are certain people I never see working on the floor, but only ever in the stock room backstocking in the afternoons or evenings or receiving truck early in the morning (I only saw certain people the few times they had me do early morning sign changes last year).

But anyway, the supervisor kept insisting there is no stock team position and “since you’ve been here more than a year you should already know that,” but she was going to try to accommodate me as well as she could (funny they never asked for documentation of my Autism). She asked if I was willing to come in early in the morning a few times a week (3am) to receive truck, and I said yes, and she said they could train me to start doing omni, which is preparing customers’ orders and packing them and running around the store looking for things people have ordered. I’d be behind the scenes more, but still might get stopped by customers. At least I’d have a scanner on me, whereas a lot of our floor associates don’t get scanners because they’re all in use when they show up. Now I should note that after my first conversation with the supervisor I keep talking about, she paged me to call her, and I did, and she said, “Hey so would working at the registers be a better fit for you?” and I was like, “No... that’d... kinda be the opposite of what I need.” She said, “Okay. Just wanna make sure I ask for the right thing when I talk to the people above us about what accommodations you’re asking for.” Like was I not clear in our meetings that I need to be BEHIND the scenes? After that, I had to finish out my two weeks I was already scheduled for working the floor. They started having me do a little omni training in the middle of my floor shifts over the next couple weeks, but things were crazy because they kept asking me to back up registers while I was doing omni. Oh, and I still had my departments to worry about. 

Then, on Monday 11/11/19, another supervisor, a guy, told me I’d be doing omni for my five hour shift that day. Yay! But then after one successful hour of omni, he put me on the registers for the rest of the day, and denied me a break multiple times when I asked because there was a line and apparently no one else to back up (and that’s weird, because normally floor associates back up the registers, not omni associates). I was 3.5 hours into my shift before I was allowed a break, and by then my stomach hurt pretty badly.  And then I tried truck early in the morning, and while I felt like an absolute zombie afterwards, I really enjoyed it, because there were no bloodthirsty customers, you know? And the person in charge that day told me what a great job I did. The next truck went pretty well, too. But then today I had a 7.5 hour shift from 11:30am to 7pm, and yet another supervisor told me, “Hey so today you’re my go-to back up person for registers. When you’re not backing up, run 500s from customer service.” (500s are go-backs). I probably spent half of my shift if not more at those registers, including covering someone’s lunch which should have been 30 minutes long but wound up being an hour long with no explanation. Then, after my first break, when the supervisor I’d had the meetings with took over as the main supervisor for the day, she had me switch gears to running more 500s. I had a new scanner which I’m not familiar with so when I scanned the items, which didn’t seem to belong anywhere, I couldn’t see if they were clearance or not. They didn’t have clearance tickets, either. Many of them were still coming up in the scanner as costing quite a bit of money, and some were sweaters, so I tried to find places for them with signs that matched their price point or even with things that looked exactly like them. After making me back up at registers again, the supervisor called me over and she was standing with another associate and she said to me, “Hey, are you scanning 500s when you put them back?” I said, “Uh-huh. Why?” She looked me right in the eye and said, “Are you sure?” I said, “Yeah. Why?” She said, “Really?” I said, “Yeah.” She said, “How do you find where things go?” And I said, “I look for the same item, and if I don’t find any, I scan the item, look at the price, and try to find the right sign. And if I don’t find the right sign, I try to see if it’s clearance but I don’t know how to tell on the new scanners, so worst comes to worst, I put the item in the back of a fixture with something similar under a sign that has the same price point so customers don’t get ticked off at us.” She said, “Well everything you were putting back is clearance.” I could tell some of it was because of how cheap it was so I put some things in clearance, but for the other things I couldn’t tell. She told me to scan the item so I did, then she showed me where it says it’s clearance. On the old scanner, you swipe right twice and it’ll have a big colorful bubble where it tells you its status: blue for sale, purple for clearance, hot pink for a sale not advertised, you get the idea. But on this scanner, where it says if it’s clearance, it’s buried in a long list of teeny tiny unremarkable black letters with a white background, completely indistinguishable from anything else around it if you look too quickly, and it’s not two swipes to the right. It’s on the first page if you scroll down a bunch. Of course I didn’t see it when I’m used to things being big and colorful and two swipes to the right! But then my supervisor said, “Don’t lie to me.” I was shocked. “What?” She said, “I’m not having this conversation out here on the floor,” and she started to walk away from me and I was like, “I didn’t lie to you! I couldn’t see where it said if it was clearance or not because I’m not used to this scanner.” And she said, “I’m not gonna have this conversation with you out here. Just make sure when you scan something you put it back where it goes. I know some stuff looks similar, but this was all in the wrong spot. So go work on the fitting rooms.”

I cannot believe after a year of working there and showing nothing but honest character she would accuse me of lying to her face. I only made a mistake. It was rude and unprofessional of her to accuse me of something so base and then to try and shut me up by saying, “I’m not going to talk about this on the floor.” Well if she didn’t wanna talk about it on the floor, she shouldn’t have called me a liar on the floor. And in front of another associate, too! Also, I hate the new scanners.

Interesting that after our first meeting, she asked me if I would be better off at registers, and when I told her that was the worst place for me, they literally started putting me on registers almost non-stop. It’s like they’re trying to force me out. I wonder if that’s the reason they didn’t ask for my paperwork on my diagnosis... so if I get to the point where I quit (and I am close), and if I take them to court (which I’d love to do if I can), they can say, “Whaaaat? We didn’t force her out... Autism? She doesn’t even have any disability on record with us...”

Update (11/17/19): Hoooooo boy. 

Okay. So since there are so many different supervisors and stuff I’m gonna start assigning fake names to everyone so it’s easier to tell them apart: manager: Staci supervisor I talk about most who’s giving me a hard time: Loretta supervisor who didn’t let me take a break: Kyle supervisor who wanted me to be the go-to backup cashier on Friday: Hugo supervisor who I initially disclosed to that told the other managers: Becky supervisor who runs truck unloading: Shawna This morning I had a truck unloading shift from 3-7am after only two hours of sleep (thank you cat), and there were tons of new people who don’t know the store or the brands or layout or who even know to sort petite and plus sizes from misses sizes, so Shawna was like constantly screaming at everyone like “HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU PEOPLE?! AM I YOUR BABYSITTER? WHAT ARE YOU DOING STANDING AROUND TALKING?!” Other associate: “I’m teaching the new people, Shawna!” It was annoying. Oh, and I had cramps and was dizzy. Extra fun.

Then at the end of my shift, I clocked out and went to find Loretta to talk to her 1. about how much they were making me do register backup, and 2. to ask for an apology for calling me a liar. So I found her out on the floor (we were still closed at this point) and asked her “Can I talk to you about some things?” And she was like, “Sure, what’s going on?” and I’d hoped to talk in the office but I was like, “Okay... well, you know how after our first conversation about accommodations you asked me over the phone if I’d do better on registers I said ‘No?’” She said, “Mm-hm.” I said, “Well... after working out the two weeks I was already scheduled for, of the shifts I’ve had while the store was open, I’ve been doing mostly register backup. And Monday I had a 12-5 shift which was supposed to be omni but after an hour I got put on registers and wasn’t allowed to take a break for...” and she was like, “Wasn’t allowed to, or you forgot to ask for it?” and I said, “Oh I asked, like two or three times.” And she said, “Who was the supervisor that day?” But like Kyle was nearby and so I just mouthed his name (his real name) and she was like, “What? D’you wanna talk in the office?” and I said, “Yeah, sure.” So she snags Hugo, who’s like, 2nd in command, to come with us and at my mother’s suggestion I pulled out my phone and said, “Can I record this conversation?” And Loretta said, “No, you cannot.” And I said, “Why not?” and she said, “Because you’re in the workplace.” I said, “...Yeah...?” She said, “It’s illegal.” I said, “Really?” she said, “Yes,” so I said “Okay...” and didn’t record. I looked it up when I got home. It’s totally legal. It’s just that in California both parties have to consent to the recording, which I figured, hence why I asked. 

So I told her and Hugo what happened on Monday with working the registers for 4 hours and not being allowed a break and how much my stomach hurt by the time I was finally allowed to go on break, and I mentioned how normally it’s floor associates who get asked to back up and not omni and Loretta was like, “No Kristen, everyone backs up. You’ve been here a year. You should know that.” Okay but when things are busy though, normally floor associates are the first ones they call up. I was the first one. Hugo explained that that day there were fewer online orders coming in than they anticipated, so they had to reshuffle us a bit. Well and good. I wish they’d made someone else do registers, though. 

Then I talked to them about how Hugo and then Loretta had me back up at registers a lot on Friday. So Hugo was like, “So you did tell Loretta though you’d be willing to back up occasionally, right?” and I said, “Yeah I mean if things are totally nuts I don’t wanna leave you guys high and dry but being the go-to backup person is like... too much.”

So Hugo tried to get me to get it “set in stone,” how much I should back up, and I explained how that’s a little tricky with the anxiety I have because of my Autism, but we agreed 20 minutes for every hour and a half, or basically just having me cover people’s 15 minute breaks plus the time it takes them to walk to and from the break room. He was trying to work with me, which was great, but I felt like he was trying to see how much he could get me to work at the registers instead of how little. At the same time, we did basically set a cap on how much I could handle, so that’s something.

Then he asked, “Do you have any other concerns?” and I said, “Yeah, I wanted to talk to Loretta about a conversation we had on Friday...” and Loretta was like, “I don’t remember talking to you on Friday.” Convenient. But she would. I kinda hinted I wanted to talk to her privately and Hugo offered to leave but Loretta was like, “It’s okay. He’s management, too. Anything you can say to me you can say in front of him.” Well alright then, if she insisted...

So I reminded her that she started having me run 500s, and how after making me back up at registers she called me over and asked me if I was scanning things before putting them back like three times in a row and then she went, “Yeah and I remember asking you to be honest with me, because...” and I said, with Hugo as my witness, “No. Your exact words were, ‘Don’t lie to me.’ I have worked here for over a year and I have never once lied to you or anyone else here. I don’t know if maybe you’ve been lied to a lot by other associates, but I don’t do that. I’m unfamiliar with the new scanners and that’s why I didn’t see where it said it was clearance, because on the old ones it’s two swipes to the right and then it shows up in a big color-coded bubble what the item’s status is, and it’s not buried in a long list of tiny black letters on a white background on the bottom of the first page like on the new ones. It wasn’t right to accuse me of something so base as to lie to you in front of another associate, and then to walk away and say, ‘I’m not having this conversation with you out here on the floor.’ If you didn’t want to have this conversation out on the floor, you should not have accused me of lying to you out on the floor. I went into the fitting room after that and couldn’t stop crying.” 

As I expected, she blame shifted back to me saying from her perspective, since it said on the scanner it was clearance, of course she thought I wasn’t being honest with her. And she said if I’m going to make mistakes, then as a supervisor, she is going to coach me. Ummm yeah, coaching doesn’t involve attacks on someone’s character. And defending herself by saying well if I hadn’t blah blah blah, that’s a tactic I used to use with my parents when I was twelve! I wanted to tell her what my parents used to tell me: This isn’t about me, this is about you.

But I said, “And after you showed me on the new scanner where it said it was clearance, I corrected my behavior. I made sure to be careful and check every item. So that’s done. That’s taken care of. But you still shouldn’t have accused me of lying to you.”

And then she was like, “I’m sorry you feel like I was accusing you of lying, but you have to understand that if you’re doing your job incorrectly, it’s my job to...” and more rot about her “coaching.” Okay so first she says to me that from her perspective of course she thought I was lying, and then she says, “I’m sorry you feel like I was calling you a liar, but...?” Like, no. She can’t have it both ways like that. And that was no apology. “I’m sorry you feel,” is how narcissists try to manipulate and pacify their victims, and it does not work on me.

Nevertheless she refused to apologize to me AND was then like, “But why couldn’t you see it says it’s clearance?” I said, “Because I’m used to the old scanners,” and she said, “Didn’t you look at all? What’s the difference?” So I had to explain to her, AGAIN, how I’m used to the color-coded bubbles and how it was in a different spot and I couldn’t see the “Status: Clearance,” when it was buried in a list. “Everything was the same font. Nothing was bolded, italicized, underlined, or distinguishable from anything around it in any way, and it was on a different page than I expected, so of course I didn’t see it.” I need colors. I need different things to look different. That’s how my brain works. 

By the end of the conversation, Loretta was still refusing to apologize to me (and she’s developed a twitch by her mouth) and Hugo was saying how he’s sorry that happened to me and he certainly doesn’t want me to be crying in the fitting rooms. “We want everyone to be happy when they’re here.” He’s sweet but he wants the impossible. This company consistently gives stores a limited budget for scheduling so we are always understaffed. We’re the biggest store of our chain of stores in the area and we still only have two cashiers working at a time (one at the men’s side registers and one at misses’) and 1 associate for every 2-4 departments. Even at Christmastime, they increase the number of cashiers, but not floor associates. It’s insane. 

So anyway I’ve decided to quit, but now the question is when. Because since Hugo has put in the effort to work with me and set a cap on my register time, it seems like it’d be in bad taste for me to leave now. And while working out a two weeks notice is common courtesy, I looked it up and it’s advised if I’m being abused or if I feel unsafe or if the job is detrimental to my physical or mental health (and by golly it’s taking its toll), then I can quit without notice, so long as I’m aware it may leave a bad taste in their mouths. 

But I feel like I should at least see if they stick to their 20 minute backup deal, because if they don’t, and if I can take them to court later for failure to accommodate my “disability,” as well as my religious practices, I’d need a solid case, and a judge will want to see I did everything I could from my side. But man, I hope I can leave before Black Friday. Apparently working omni on Black Friday is a nightmare because orders get cancelled and then angry customers call to yell at omni on the phone and with my Autism I have phone anxiety just talking to nice people, much less customers who want me dead.

Update 12-15-19

So Black Friday wasn’t the nightmare I thought it’d be. And working omni and truck hasn’t been so bad, except for the weird sleep schedule. 

But this month, they started cutting my hours instead of giving me more. Last year at this time, I was working 35 hours per week. This year? 12 hours the week of Dec 8th-14th 8 hours for Dec 15th-21st and next week, the week of Christmas: 4 hours.

FOUR FLIPPING HOURS THE WEEK OF CHRISTMAS and it’s RETAIL!

And they don’t even have me doing omni anymore. Just truck. I couldn’t have been that bad at omni! What the actual living heck?!

[ruby-dear]

all of them except 77, 78, 81, 92 and 96

Ember, I know this was you. I’m doing it, but that’s 93 questions you’re asking for so they’re going under a cut. 

1. Talk about your first love. There have been a lot of those, so let me talk about the first one I really remember. I was in eighth grade, at the time, and she wasn’t exactly a great person looking back but she was cool and confident and she liked me, and she called me her best friend, and probably the best school-related memory I’ve ever had was her tackle-hugging me from across a classroom. I didn’t even realize I liked girls until she’d pretty much left my life completely. Maybe I’m looking at it through rose-tinted glasses now, but I think that’s okay, sometimes.  2. What’s the most beautiful songs you’ve ever heard in your opinion? Most of my favorite songs are Owl City, especially the older stuff. It has a soft, dreamlike vibe to it that I find really pretty even when it’s depressing. 3. How’s your heart feeling right now? Pretty good, I think? 4. What kind of self care is your favorite to do? The fun stuff. Bath bombs, makeup, fancy shampoo. Retail therapy actually works pretty well for me, even if a lot of the time I don’t even buy anything. 5. What’s your skincare routine? Um... Shower? 6. How did you get to be so beautiful? Natural talent and carefully learned confidence. 7. Do you have any stuffed animals? Oh, do I. I have like, seventy Webkinz, and that’s without getting into anything else. You could say I collect plushes, even if I don’t do it as actively now. I have a couple of Eevee plushes, too - I’d say I want to own all of them one day, but I’m like, 95% sure that’s not possible. 8. Best trip you’ve ever been on? Once, we went to Prince Edward Island for a week, and my mom surprised me by meeting up with my best friend’s family, who happened to have gotten a room at our hotel for one night. I think that probably wins. 9. Favorite thing about your room? That it’s starting to look like it belongs to me, even if I want to move somewhere else. 10. Opinion on love? It takes work, but it’s worth it.

11. Are you affectionate? Around people I’m comfortable with, definitely. 12. Who do you look up to? The people who have enough confidence to be unapologetically be themselves.

13. Favorite poet? Robert Frost. When I was eleven, I found a book of his poems, and I loved that book so much I didn’t pay any attention in English class at all.

14. Song that makes you happy? How about one that calms you down when you’re in a bad place? There’s a lot of songs that make me happy. Hard to go wrong with the Pokemon theme, though. As for things that calm me down... It’s Alright by Mother Mother and Misguided Ghosts by Paramore have both got me through a lot.

15. Do you play an instrument? No. I was supposed to learn piano in seventh grade, but I couldn’t read the sheet music so they never let me play, and I tried to learn guitar multiple times but it never stuck for the same reason.

16. Do you do art? Using what (pencil, watercolor, etc)? I paint, though not as often as I’d like to! Using acrylics, usually, but watercolors sometimes.

17. Do you dance? What style of dance? I took ballet as a child, til they kicked me out of class, and I still enjoy dancing but I don’t remember any of what I learned.

18. What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in astrology? Gemini. I think it might have some kind of truth behind it, but I’m not really one of those all-or-nothing people. It’s just for fun, you know?

19. Favorite old film? I don’t watch a lot of them. Does The Aristocats count?

20. What’s your hairstyle? It’s long and wavy. I’m getting blue highlights soon.

21. What weather is the most beautiful, in your opinion? Light rain. The kind that dries off before you get inside, when the sky is perfectly clear, but it starts falling anyway and it stops just as quickly.

22. What upsets you most about the world? That however hard we try to fix it, we’re unlikely to get very far.

23. Are you in love right now? Yes. At least, I think so.

24. Do you have a crush? If so, talk about them! I have a girlfriend. Is that the same thing? She’s cute and funny and she thinks the same things about me for some reason, and she knows exactly how much of a disaster I can be and hasn’t run away yet.

25. Do you have pets? Talk about something sweet about them! I have a cat, Little Prince. His sister died about a month ago, and she was the one who usually kept me company (total lap-cat), but ever since he’s usually either close to where I am or comes when I call him over.

26. Do you have a lucky number? Any multiple of seven, but especially fourteen. They’re my favorite numbers for the same reason.

27. Have you ever wished on a star? What about on a fallen eyelash? I try to wish on stars, when I see them. Eyelashes I’m usually more annoyed about than anything.

28. Do you believe emoji spells to work? I think anything has the potential to work, given the right amount of effort and intent. That said, I don’t think you’re going to accomplish anything drastic.

29. Do you believe in magic in general? Oh, definitely. Just look at the world we live in. How can you not believe in magic when it’s all around you? The night sky without air pollution, the sunlight dancing on the water, candy cane white hot chocolate - it’s everywhere, in everything.

30. What’s the most beautiful thing in life, In your opinion? Everything. There’s something beautiful in everything, if you look for it. Today, let’s say the feeling of sliding around on a hardwood floor in fluffy socks, dancing along to one of your favorite songs.

31. Opinion on the color pink? What about baby blue? As a kid, I hated pink. I like it now, though. Blue is my color, light blue especially (particularly with star patterns), so I’ve always liked it.

32. What instrumental sound is your favorite? Am I alloawed to say wind chimes? I’ve always thought they sounded super pretty.

33. Do you like the sound of wind? What about the sound of rain? I love them both.

34.Who makes you happy? My friends. All of them, in different ways, the people who are still in my life for various reasons. I love them.

35. What makes you happy? Light rain, strong wind, good music. My cat’s soft meow when I wake him up by accident. White peppermint hot chocolate. Fall colors, string lights, Halloween and winter holidays. Ice and snow and skating, dressing up for no apparent reason. The trick to it all is finding new things every day.

36. Imagine your ideal life, the life you wish to make, what will that look like? A house big enough for a family. A degree of some kind hanging on the wall. A life where I’m making things because that’s what I love, and I can try new things just for fun, where I don’t have to worry about money so much. The chance to get married someday, maybe.

37. Do you wear makeup? If so what’s your favorite type of makeup or specific makeup product? Favorite store to buy makeup? I do! Unless someone else is doing it for me, I generally keep to lipstick and eyeshadow. I’ve never been especially picky about what brands I use, but I usually go to Nyx because it’s on my usual route when I go on shopping trips, and I’m kind of attached now. Plus, nowhere else I’ve been in person has as many bold colours.

38. Do you wear dresses? If so what’s your favorite dress you own? I like wearing dresses. My favorite that I still have is a longer black dress, and it’s in serious need of either repair of retirement, but I got it for $20 as a cosplay outfit last year and it served its purpose. I wear it around still, sometimes, because it’s generally an easy fix.

39. Ever been heartbroken? How do you deal with it? Yeah, a few times. I vent to my friends, usually, and then I eat ice cream and listen to gnash for a while and eventually I start to feel better.

40. Who’s your closest friend? What do you love about them?

41. Introvert or extrovert? Kinda both? It’s complicated.

42. Do you like MBTI? What’s your MBTI? Is that... Fuck, is that the one with the letters? I think I got ENFP last time, and when I was younger it was INFP.

43. Would you be a fairy, a mermaid, a vampire, a siren, a or an angel? I’ve had people tell me I have ‘fae vibes’ before, so let’s go with that and hope it’s not offensive.

44. What’s the best song a friend has ever introduced to you? I don’t remember enough of them to feel good about picking one. I basically only listen to music I’m recommended now.

45. Parlez-vous français? A little, by virtue of being Canadian and having driven through Quebec. Not enough to carry on a conversation.

46. Most beautiful place you’ve been to? Prince Edward Island, hands down. It’s gorgeous.

47. Where/when do you truly feel at home? When there’s a light breeze, and the perfect song is playing, and the people I love are there. When we’re laughing with each other.

48. Does smiling put you in a better mood? Try it right now, you’re smile is gorgeous! I don’t think it does, honestly? But it does tend to happen when I’m happy.

49. Favorite shoe you own? These ankle boots I got secondhand that have little metal stars on them. I’m gonna be so upset when they finally wear out and I need new ones.

50. Can you walk in stilettos? Do you like them? God, no, I’ve tried. Any heel that’s too sharp or pointy or tall is a major problem for me. It’s part of what makes finding shoes such a pain.

51. Do you feel loved? Not always, but yeah. When I remember, or when I ask, or when I’m reminded.

52. How do you express love to those you care about? I try to tell them, but I’m also the type to engage in constant teasing. I’m the friend that punches you in the arm as a show of affection.

53. Favorite term(s) of endearment? The more creative ones. The basics don’t do much for me, honestly, but it’s more about the person saying them anyway.

54. Most romantic thing someone’s ever done for you? Make me feel like I don’t have to try so hard to feel like myself.

55. When is the happiest you’ve ever been? Walking the downtown city streets in winter. It was cold, sure, but it was gorgeous and I finally felt independent for a while.

56. Are you happy right now? Yeah, I’d say so.

57. What makes you smile? Bad jokes, among other things.

58. Do you laugh a lot? Yeah. A lot more than I used to.

59. What’s your favorite kind of aesthetic? Punk/scenecore. They’ve really influenced my more recent style choices.

60. Do you want to marry for love or for some other reason (like money)? Love, definitely.

61. What would your dream wedding look like? Do you want to get married? With someone I love, and the other people I love there too. Somewhere beautiful. I think I do, someday, but it’s not something I’m so worried about.

62. Favorite flower? Roses. Blue Moon Hybrid Tea Roses, in particular, are especially pretty.

63. Favorite artist? I don’t really have one. I do enjoy looking at art, though.

64. Favorite music artist? Owl City.

65. How kind do you think you are? Is kindness important to you? I don’t know. People seem to think I’m kinder than I believe I am. It’s important to me, yeah, to try and help people and to do nice things.

66. Ever made a playlist for someone? A few times. They were never anything special, as far as I’m concerned.

67. Do you have anything you do to physically comfort you when your sad? Such as a favorite blanket? Or a relaxing bath? Long, warm baths and cuddling with my cat. Warm blankets and stories with happy endings.

68. Early bird or night owl? Night owl. I’m a night person.

69. Morning routine? Wake up, do nothing for a while, actually get out of bed and figure out breakfast. While that’s going on, try and figure out if anything important is happening today.

70. Night routine? Get comfortable, then write or daydream til I fall asleep.

71. What is the most lovely quality a person could have in your opinion? Self-confidence and a willingness to help others.

72. Do you cry often? Does crying help you get the emotions out? Do you feel better after? I tend to hold back my feelings til they all fall out. So I end up crying at least twice a month, usually. It helps, yeah.

73. Do you like hugs? From people I feel comfortable with.

74. When was the last time you kissed someone? On the lips? Never.

75. Are you small or tall? Small. I’m 5′0.

76. Do you like wholesome memes? Yes. They’re cute.

79. Have you ever lived in a different country than you currently live in? Nope. I’ve never lived outside this city, only been on trips.

80. Do you like plane flights? Airports? I’ve only flown once, and I was two, so I don’t remember it very well.

82. The beach or a forest? Sand or bugs? Depends on the day. Today, though, forest.

83. What time of day do you tend to be in the best mood? Evening, usually.

84. Do you push yourself to act together and in a good mood even when you aren’t? Yeah, when I’m stressed.

85. Favorite kind of tree? Either maple or pine. I’m Canadian, what can I say?

86. Do you care about the health of the Earth? Yes, but there’s only so much one person can do.

87. What did you like most about your childhood, if anything? Field trips. Adulthood is sorely lacking in field trips.

88. Do you read a lot? What’s your favorite book? I used to. These days I still read, but it’s mostly fanfiction. My favorite books, though, are Tamora Pierce’s Emelan series and the first two books of Kenneth Oppel’s Silverwing trilogy.

89. What are you most nostalgic for at the moment? Trick-or-treating.

90. What’s your favorite personality trait you have? I try to let the people I love know that I love them.

91. List at least ONE thing you love about your appearance. I have pretty great hair.

93. Do you worry a lot? Constantly.

94. The dazzling lights of the city or the relaxing countryside? The city. The countryside’s nice, but the streetlights and the city skyline are what make me feel at home.

95. Ever changed the shoelaces on one of your shoes? For what reason? I actually don’t know how to tie laces, so no. I’ve never been able to pick it up. I might get someone sense to, if I could find cool enough laces.

97. Do you like doing little acts of kindness? Yeah. It feels good to make people happy, you know?

98. How’s your day/night going? Pretty good! I did just spend over an hour on this, but I finished it, so that’s an accomplishment of its own.

[punkscowardschampions]

Zelda & Zach

ihatemyguts: [Ready for a flimsy excuse to talk lmao] ihatemyguts: Question, would Lauren actually be 👍 or 👎 if I turn up to her stream? ihatemyguts: Couldn't tell inandout: ecstatic inandout: her 👚👕👖🧦 could come off inandout: it's hard to tell if she's joking ihatemyguts: I will 🏃 to 🧼 my 👀 ihatemyguts: and time my tip really well before that potential eventuality inandout: smart move inandout: people pleasing ihatemyguts: She was nice, funny ihatemyguts: no 💩 nosing but yeah, I'm not in a position to be picky inandout: she's good at the "older sister away at uni partying but still there for you" role ihatemyguts: do you have a real one? inandout: I've got a brother, he's older than her and less of a party animal ihatemyguts: Mine too ihatemyguts: he's not as old as her but first date @ 18 isn't far off the vibe inandout: Robbie would call that hella awkward inandout: but I don't think mine has had one yet at 21 inandout: unless it's with a 🤖 he created ihatemyguts: that would be as impressive as it is 😢 inandout: he only likes to flex academically impressive muscles inandout: and believes no girls are interested in that inandout: despite being at uni ihatemyguts: 💔 ihatemyguts: Bless inandout: Lauren would knock his head together with every dream girl of his he's surrounded by until it fell off inandout: I'm a pacifist though ihatemyguts: Brothers are stupid ihatemyguts: his 💭👸 might be the stereotype of a cheerleader that doesn't even exist ihatemyguts: just ⏳⌛️ inandout: wouldn't leave me shooketh to find out you're onto something inandout: he does watch Love Island ihatemyguts: 🧠 representation, man ihatemyguts: you do not always get the girl at the end and if you do, you'll have so little in common you should just put her back inandout: I had a mental image of him just forcing a girl back up onto these high shelves we have in our kitchen inandout: not today, honey ihatemyguts: 😂 ihatemyguts: if only people were shelvable ihatemyguts: keep 'em in storage 'til you're feeling ���� inandout: + if I'm heroically expected to get her down, the stumbling block is that the 🍪🍬🍭 are kept up there ihatemyguts: she'll have to eat it all to save you right back inandout: a love story inandout: we need to pitch it to Netflix ihatemyguts: I have done so much research for this ihatemyguts: Robyn can write it ihatemyguts: Rich can DEMAND actually disabled actors, and Rosie can ask nicely inandout: you have to be the lead, then the viewers will be on edge of their seats when you eat the 🍪🍬🍭 ihatemyguts: Lauren might 👊 me for it inandout: the spotlight would give her a seizure ihatemyguts: Awh ihatemyguts: lucky teen dramas are so moodily lit ihatemyguts: think twilight not spring breakers inandout: so dark that everyone has to squint and give themselves a headache inandout: dizzying camera angles inandout: getting our own back one symptom at a time ihatemyguts: may have to 🔪🔪 someone to make 'em shit their pants ihatemyguts: but you can nominate your brother, that's cool inandout: let him come back as a 🤖 at the end ihatemyguts: how's his Arnie? inandout: hmmm inandout: borderline racist? inandout: but we're Jewish and he's Austrian, I don't think he'll come for us ihatemyguts: not gonna go zombie for that ihatemyguts: definitely free pass for life on all the racial jokes @ their expense inandout: the shortened life span will help make up for it too ihatemyguts: no 🤖 ending? ihatemyguts: 👎 inandout: abrupt fade to black inandout: hopefully ihatemyguts: Iconic ihatemyguts: see your vision inandout: much as lingering death rattle would be an epic punk band or album name ihatemyguts: 🤔 ihatemyguts: you're a frontman, right? inandout: self nominated ihatemyguts: I see it inandout: you're drums ihatemyguts: only if I get to be on a dramatic raised platform above you all at the back inandout: if you swear not to 🚿 us with 💩 ihatemyguts: it would bring the horror ihatemyguts: very Carrie ihatemyguts: but 🤞 inandout: very Slipknot ihatemyguts: I'm down for a mask situation inandout: I'm not 🥵 ihatemyguts: Valid ihatemyguts: but you're cute, people will wanna see you inandout: cute is 🐕🐩🐈 or 🐖🐑🐐🐄 inandout: we can't start an animal band unless you can talk to them and ask if they really want inandout: ...some kind of rockstar life ihatemyguts: True, Ozzy was NOT asking those 🦇 if they were about the fame inandout: and they became another casualty of inandout: sickening ihatemyguts: is that the deal ihatemyguts: my bowel has decided not to work so I get to speak to animals? ihatemyguts: 🤙 inandout: that's a 10 episode series pitch ihatemyguts: god knows there has to be a redeeming feature of a sick kid ihatemyguts: can't be an arsehole who's suffering, not relatable and not enjoyable -10/10 inandout: you can only be an arsehole if yours works inandout: hooray for me ihatemyguts: lucky ihatemyguts: don't wanna flex on you by sparking up, really inandout: can you drink? It's a no for me ihatemyguts: it's iffy ihatemyguts: like it's not great ihatemyguts: but if I don't get big sister at Uni levels, technically inandout: technically same, but who wouldn't wanna get to that level inandout: who's doing it for the taste? ihatemyguts: I personally LOVE the taste of rotting fruit inandout: I have no sense of smell and barely any of taste and even I know wine and beer are both bad inandout: maybe the first sip of spirits will change my life ihatemyguts: that's a dangerous game ihatemyguts: it's already supposedly scentless a lot of the time ihatemyguts: you'd get wasted real fast inandout: not a date then ihatemyguts: not for long ihatemyguts: 🏥 is a fave haunt obviously but not ideal, even for a 2nd date inandout: 3rd? ihatemyguts: s'one way to end up in bed ihatemyguts: sure inandout: kids at my school do keep asking me if I've ever hooked up in hospital inandout: that being my number 1 priority each time ihatemyguts: 🙄 ihatemyguts: like it's some cringy show mums would watch ihatemyguts: with the staff or with all the random hottie in their prime that are just roaming the corridors, yeah, alright inandout: + 🏥 = PICC  in case there weren't a high enough risk of getting caught or mild peril ihatemyguts: the thrill of it all ihatemyguts: worth being sick for all the steamy romance, honestly inandout: don't forget the nurses inandout: another fave topic of everyone in class ihatemyguts: yeah, the stress eating and shift work makes 'em 🔥🔥🔥 inandout: no 💐 allowed to keep the atmosphere romantic either ihatemyguts: 💔💔💔 ihatemyguts: sure your class is not concerned about the vibe inandout: well read inandout: they just wanna touch a boob inandout: which is a good song title ihatemyguts: with potential to make a b-side literally about 🍑 ihatemyguts: high🖐 inandout: hi-hat, drummer girl ihatemyguts: badumtss inandout: 🎤 drop ihatemyguts: 🙇👏 inandout: Lauren swears she'll keep her clothes on to play Breath of the Wild ihatemyguts: I'm honoured ihatemyguts: and not at all disappointed ihatemyguts: 😉 inandout: her wardrobe of onesies are incredible inandout: they'll cheer you back up inandout: 👽🤖🐛🐲🦕🦑 + more animals than you'd have time to chinwag with ihatemyguts: obviously, I need to see this to believe 🖖 inandout: like a 🦄 she has one of those too ihatemyguts: thanks for the inside scoop ihatemyguts: can pretend I'm fully psychic now ihatemyguts: get all those oddly specific requests out inandout: that'll spook her inandout: I'm for it ihatemyguts: 🔮🗣🐒 ihatemyguts: not trying too hard to compensate, AT ALL inandout: I hadn't seen the others before today inandout: that was cool ihatemyguts: For real? ihatemyguts: It seems like you all hang like all the time, from the outside creepin' in inandout: you heard the commander, we're not supposed to post pics or personal stuff ihatemyguts: still a weird rule ihatemyguts: like, I get it, online predators, poor defenseless baby disableds, not ideal ihatemyguts: if it was an IRL group, we wouldn't be going by quippy puns on our name badges inandout: [gives her his socials and Lauren is of course in his friends so she can add her too] inandout: I was gonna suggest a meet up but didn't wanna get shot down inandout: the point is, some of us can't get out and about inandout: hasn't passed me by ihatemyguts: that's true ihatemyguts: there has to be a way we can include everybody though, everybody that would possibly want to ihatemyguts: Christ, if we as a group can't think of accessibility solutions ihatemyguts: but my point is, drop you a 💬 if I have any 💡 inandout: @ Rich inandout: he'd figure it out ihatemyguts: right? ihatemyguts: not that I'm desperate for company but frankly ihatemyguts: no, it could be cool inandout: and she won't say, despite what I said about trading on her fame, but Lauren's anniversary is coming up inandout: she'll want company for that ihatemyguts: I don't know if I should know, and I know I'm not gonna ask her ihatemyguts: but it can't be a fun anniversary, anything we could do to make it less of a shit time ihatemyguts: why not inandout: you're in inandout: cool ihatemyguts: 👍 ihatemyguts: the social engagements I won't need to turn down for this ihatemyguts: busy 🐝 I ain't inandout: I wanna ask if you had loads of friends before inandout: it seems like you would ihatemyguts: Kinda ihatemyguts: and not everyone turned into total cunts either, not trying to be that tragic heroine ihatemyguts: awkward adjustment, mainly for me, I know but ihatemyguts: wish I had a cool illness, you know ihatemyguts: can't make 💩 work for me inandout: what's a cool one? ihatemyguts: there's no cool one to have, I know that, like, intelligently, I get it ihatemyguts: but at least if you've got a decent story or you aren't essentially shitting yourself to death as your quirky symptom, people are more into it ihatemyguts: it's stupid but inandout: something that makes you faint dramatically inandout: that'd be netflix worthy inandout: the harder the name is to pronounce, the better ihatemyguts: exactly, providing I do it gracefully and look pretty whilst doing it ihatemyguts: 'cos what's the point in this pain if I can't peddle it to the masses inandout: you could look pretty doing it ihatemyguts: oh yeah ihatemyguts: the glamour would be unreal 😂 inandout: 🍃 ihatemyguts: 📽 ihatemyguts: cinematic inandout: American Beauty and you're the plastic bag ihatemyguts: that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me ihatemyguts: okay, Katy Perry inandout: leave Robbie to do the 🐯 roar ihatemyguts: she's cute ihatemyguts: no offense to you but inandout: how many dates are you two going on? ihatemyguts: do her parents let her out of her house, legit ihatemyguts: 'cos that will change the answer a lot inandout: only for 🏥 inandout: but she'll wanna come to the meet up ihatemyguts: then, we'll have to go on loads of dates ihatemyguts: so I can convince them I'm very respectable and not at all contagious inandout: I know JRA sucks but they'd put her in a bubble if they could ihatemyguts: I get it but also ihatemyguts: stop ihatemyguts: actual case of how it's being dealt with making it worse, when I was in hospital, the first time ihatemyguts: there was this tiny kid, and his ma was like...just insane, which is understandable but, it weren't helping her or him inandout: she could outgrow it when she's 16, that'll shake them up ihatemyguts: serious? ihatemyguts: damn inandout: it happens inandout: that's the J inandout: for being a kid ihatemyguts: I had no idea ihatemyguts: like you stop growing and it stops fucking with you, basically? ihatemyguts: that's cool ihatemyguts: if it happens ihatemyguts: worst fucking false hope if it doesn't inandout: yep inandout: sweet or bittersweet 16 ihatemyguts: like 5 months, she said? inandout: I'm gonna go to the party inandout: you should come ihatemyguts: Yeah? ihatemyguts: you think she meant it ihatemyguts: you can tell me if it was just politeness 'cos she is inandout: loneliness inandout: but she likes us too ihatemyguts: how long have you been in the group? inandout: they gave me the info when I was 12 inandout: I didn't wanna use it then though inandout: last summer I decided to ihatemyguts: I feel you ihatemyguts: like, what should we have in common ihatemyguts: but that's actually like any friendship, you got sat next to them one day in class or they shared with you at break ihatemyguts: I was just being a dick about it inandout: there are those inandout: like fibro inandout: but the core group are cool ihatemyguts: Everyone was decent ihatemyguts: if you're a dick you just are, regardless of our shared experiences ihatemyguts: but that is more than I've got with some of my old friends, that's just facts, whether you wanna accept it or nah, you know inandout: yep, me and my 🤖 brother have nothing shared inandout: his DNA is fine ihatemyguts: how was that ihatemyguts: like, was he mad guilty and did you wanna stomp on his lungs a 🤏 bit inandout: some days inandout: but Lauren says I'm better looking than him so what else matters ihatemyguts: 😂 inandout: how's your brother doing with your 💩 life? ihatemyguts: He doesn't say a whole lot ihatemyguts: that was a thing pre 💩 life too so ihatemyguts: guess he gets to keep being mysterious and my illness feels the least invisible when I'm the only kid let out to the 🚽 multiple times a lesson ihatemyguts: 🤷 inandout: you could suggest home school inandout: Robbie's an expert, she'd do you a pro slideshow ihatemyguts: I already miss people inandout: okay, okay, we'll bring the first date forward inandout: I'll escort you to the party ihatemyguts: what's the dresscode? this is vital and I know she's already said inandout: 👑💎 ihatemyguts: Oh good, you'll look extra adorable ihatemyguts: it'll be the usual trial picking which tiara to wear but think I'll survive inandout: Maybe you can take her shopping for your first date ihatemyguts: 💡 idea I'll have to claim as my own inandout: 🙇 ihatemyguts: do any of you go to the same schools ihatemyguts: or are you meant to not know that, either inandout: I don't know where either R goes inandout: and I'd remember Lauren or Rich if they'd been at my school, I think ihatemyguts: I reckon ihatemyguts: shame ihatemyguts: not that I reckoned there'd be an underground network of secret disabled kids at mine but oh well inandout: there could be inandout: you didn't need to find out before ihatemyguts: True ihatemyguts: ⭐ not being the one though ihatemyguts: have to do some more subtle digging inandout: my school has some invisible and visibles besides me ihatemyguts: statistically, there's no chance I'm the only one inandout: most of the ones in our camp have mental health stuff though inandout: or dyslexia, ADHD etc ihatemyguts: hadn't even considered those kinds ihatemyguts: got a lot of studying to do ihatemyguts: that's how it feels ihatemyguts: I barely get what I've got, never mind the endless possibilities of how a human can be slightly fucked inandout: they tend to have their own forums anyway inandout: not that Rosie wouldn't welcome them with a sleepy hug ihatemyguts: ☺️ inandout: it's less 🏥💉🩸 I guess? inandout: sort of 💊 and 🗪 ihatemyguts: Definite crossovers but not fully the same deal ihatemyguts: I see my pharmacist so often we're on date ... ihatemyguts: dread to think inandout: people don't wanna feel like others don't understand them somewhere where they're going for solidarity inandout: or that they can't get a sentence in over all the rest that are being typed ihatemyguts: it is pretty nervewracking ihatemyguts: even if yours is decent inandout: I used to be a big lurker inandout: some days I still am inandout: Lauren will always fill up the gaps ihatemyguts: you need all types, I reckon inandout: same ihatemyguts: like families ihatemyguts: even the creepy uncle inandout: if I don't have one does that mean I'm destined to become him? ihatemyguts: only if your brother finds a cheerleader ihatemyguts: you're probably alright inandout: he could adopt Robbie and let her live cage free ihatemyguts: that was a bit creepy ihatemyguts: oh my god, it's started ihatemyguts: 👹 inandout: damn inandout: much to think about inandout: a life to reassess ihatemyguts: if you're actually going ihatemyguts: thanks ihatemyguts: for being cool inandout: you were cool first inandout: I didn't lead a revolution ihatemyguts: you had to be cool enough not to shoot it down inandout: I'm so cool I've fallen at the creepy uncle fashion hurdle inandout: can't get a 🧢 on without a haircut inandout: it's all about the 🧦 now ihatemyguts: you know how to paint a picture ihatemyguts: even though I can now stalk your socials in my own time inandout: easier to explain you than Lauren inandout: my friends at school were shook by her ihatemyguts: I can imagine ihatemyguts: she'd be happy with that though 😏 inandout: she was inandout: [posts a selfie with his best attempt at a creepy uncle aesthetic because I doubt I'm finding a gem like that from Finn] ihatemyguts: oh my god ihatemyguts: 👏 ihatemyguts: that would be fully #triggering, top marks inandout: ♟ your move inandout: wine mum or vodka aunt ihatemyguts: Oh, I have perfect wine mum clothes ihatemyguts: had very bad taste a few years back and the 👻 are hanging about ihatemyguts: hold on inandout: I can't make the baited breath comment twice in a day, that's too much inandout: and I know I did in group ihatemyguts: 💔 I'm not special enough inandout: come back tomorrow for new puns ihatemyguts: [selfie in Amma's weird little girl/suburban mom clothing 'cos was not a mood] ihatemyguts: are you sure? inandout: damn inandout: come back tomorrow for a new photo challenge ihatemyguts: alright ihatemyguts: you're on inandout: cool

[jessejostark]

“YOU KNOW, I LOVE HARD”

Jesse Jo Stark. The woman who’s worked with Steve Jones from the Sex Pistols, Duff McKagan from Guns N’ Roses, has Cher as her godmother, her parents as the founders of Chrome Hearts and is friend with Bella Hadid.

She’s the woman who’s worked with Steve Jones from the Sex Pistols, Duff McKagan from Guns N’ Roses, has Cher as her godmother, her parents as the founders of Chrome Hearts and is friend with Bella Hadid. But forget about all those names, she is Jesse Jo Stark, a super talented young woman with the soul of an old lady.

As a singer and songwriter she sings about themes like death and love and she calls her style ‘Horrific Hillbilly’. On 9th May she had her very first gig in Berlin as a support act for The Coathangers at Berlin’s Club Maze, in the cellar of a brick building in Kreuzberg. The gig went on for about 30 minutes and was filled with a lot of energy, Rock ‘n Roll and sex appeal. You could say the stage belonged to her.

The next day we met at the Hotel de Rome, in the centre of Berlin. Surrounded by her cousin, the guitarist of her band and her manager we had some coffee and croissants and chatted about love, life and the successful end to her tour.

LUCAS AVID HÜBNER Thanks for your performances yesterday and thanks for having us!

JESSE JO STARK Thank you!

LAH You said once in an interview that you are always nervous before a concert. How did you feel at your gig yesterday?

JJS I think it was nerve-wracking simply because we had been on tour. So I’m so jet lagged, but which also lends to it, it’s kind of nice to be a little tired, but yeah, I was nervous of course, I was not sure who was coming so I was very excited and it was cool to be opening up for this band. The minute I get on stage I’m fine, it’s just it gets dark so late here I was like ‘I’m all dolled up and it’s bright outside’ so this was kind of funny.

LAH So yesterday was basically your first gig in Berlin?

JJS I’ve been in Berlin once before and I played in a mall, but I only played like 4 songs and I was 19 so I’m counting this as my first time. Do you know what I mean?

LAH Which mall was it?

JJS Ellen von Unwerth was shooting and it was for either MIU MIU or MARNI, I can’t remember. I don’t remember which mall it was and I also didn’t now where to go. Afterwards we went to a couple of pubs and got really drunk and didn’t see anything and we ended up in this random night club – but this is the first time that I’ve gotten to explore the city. We had ramen last night and than we walked through Berlin and today we went to the spa. I’ve gotten to live it a little bit more here and so far I’m just fascinated I wanna stay longer.

LAH How did it happen that you decided to come to Berlin actually?

JJS Well, we had some meetings that I had to attend and I was like ‘If I’m gonna be out there I’d love to play. Can we try to find a show?’ And The Coathangers were looking for support acts so we just booked that show, and we happened to be in London so it seems to be like an easy hop and it’s the way we ended our tour so it’s been just pretty lovely to end on this now.

LAH I remember that you covered the song ‘Bette Davis Eyes’ by Kim Carnes at your gig yesterday why did you choose that song to play?

JJS Well, I love that song and we covered it and I just love to throw a cover here and there, songs that I love and respect and make them my own and then also it gets the audience going because they can related and ‘Bette Davis’ is just such a good song and I feel like singing that for me is just like I make it my own and it’s fun, it’s just good so we put it in the set. I changed up the covers a lot, I did a Rolling Stones cover last week, but ‘Bette Davis’ is just so fun.

LAH It’s actually more like a pop song isn’t it?

JJS I feel like we rock it out a little bit, I mean I love a good dance tune you know.

LAH So let’s talk a little bit about your background. You grew up in an environment that was shaped by many creative people like your parents Richard and Laurie Lynn Stark, founders of the jewellery label Chrome Hearts, and your godmother Cher. When you think back what kind of impact did they have on your career and your personality in general?

JJS I think that your environment when you grow up is so … you’re like a sponge, you know, you either take a lot from it or you run away from the family, right? But my family was so inspiring to me and I was around a lot of adults growing up and a lot creatives and a lot of music, around fashion, a lot of Rock ‘n’ Roll and I think that it just kind of stuck with me. My parents always drew me into their environment, they never like kept me away from it so I was always in the factory when they were creating things and fitting people, making garments for different people that happen to be musicians and my dad played tons of music for me on the way to school, so it just stuck in me.

LAH So it seems that you were surrounded by a lot of adults during your childhood, did you also hang out with friends of your age?

JJS Yeah I had friends, but I always felt a little misunderstood. You know, I love hard! I really waned to have this like crew of people that I could hang with, but I always felt really misunderstood and I was kind of angry, like I just never fit in anywhere. And so to be kind of expected so little and be around adults and my parents would let me hang with them I just felt that I absorbed more from that than from the kids my age, you know. Now I have peers and I am growing into myself and I have some really cool friends, but when I was younger it was just I felt like I was surrounded way more by adults.

LAH What about your siblings?

JJS They didn’t come til I was 13. So I got to be the only child for 13 years. When they were born I had a little more freedom.

LAH How is your relationship with them?

JJS Amazing. They are little entrepreneurs, my sister has a bikini line, my brother has a line where its about being active. My parents raise them the same way where you know there – it’s just a different respect level they don’t treat them like they are little, we all communicate. And my brother and sister, I would say I couldn’t love anything more unless I guess I had a baby because they’re just magnificent.

“I don’t fucking know why he didn’t like me!”

LAH Let’s talk a little bit more about your music. How did you know you wanted to pursue music?

JJS I just feel that I’ve always been fascinated with it and being able to create and write. And when I was little I just asked my dad like “Can I take piano or guitar lessons?” So they put me in lessons for different instruments, guitar, piano and some vocal lessons, so that was when I started writing my own poetry and wrote my first song I was really young.

LAH At the age of?

JJS I was like 9 or something. And it just became this thing that didn’t go away and I started recording covers because I thought my writing wasn’t good enough to record so I did random covers, like a pop cover, country cover I have like 50 covers recorded – I swear – and then I sought out to find a band.

LAH So you wrote your first song when you were 9? What was it about?

JJS ‘My heart’s on fire’. And it’s about a boy. It’s actually about this one boy from high school that didn’t like me, his name was Chase.

LAH Why didn’t he like you?

JJS I don’t fucking know why he didn’t like me! I still don’t know why. I remember writing that song, I was with my vocal teacher and she said “What are you gonna write about?” and I was like “I just feel…I just feel my heart is on fire.” And she was like “That is a song name.” And it was very short and had my best friend in the background doing vocals, it was very pop. And then I recently wrote a song called “Fire of Love” so I feel like it’s a full circle for me.

LAH So you said you did a lot of covers when you were young. If you could choose an artist to work with who would it be and why?

JJS I would say Merle Haggard, but he passed. Um …Oh, wait Stevie Nicks would be insane and Rhye, I love Rhye. I’ve been really embracing new bands lately because I’m usually only listening to old music. And some of the greats that are sadly passed like Lux from the Cramps or like Elvis. Just to name a few.

LAH So your musical background is also quite huge. You’ve worked with people like Steve Jones from the Sex Pistols for your first record, Duff McKagan from Guns N’ Roses and Cher. How have all these musicians influenced you in your music?

JJS I just think that one think they all have in common is they never bullshit me, they’re not gonna just tell me I’m good, they’re not gonna tell me it’s easy, you know. They challenged, me they challenged my creativity, being honest and like if i’m showing them a song they’ll be like – so Steve one day – the reason I worked with Steve was, well, I’ve known him forever but I played him a song and said “What do you think about this song?” and he said: “Well, love, I think it’s shit.” That was what he said. But it was actually really amazing it was during my time recording my first EP in my early 20’s.

“I want to look like a lady, but a little bit like fucked up as well!”

LAH So it actually helped you that he was so direct with his opinion.

JJS It helped. And I said well “If you think that it’s shit why are you even producing a record for me? Don’t just say that.” But he did and in the end we did like 5 songs together and now it’s the first body of work that was really important to me. He really pushed me in the studio and it was really cool to work with him and have his ear with my stuff. It’s important to meet that there is honesty and being challenged constantly. ‘Cause there are a million bands and there are a million artists and a lot of them are great, but a lot of them suck, so you gotta be yourself and you gotta push, push, push!

LAH We already talked a little bit about it, but besides music you are also interested in fashion. You did a collaboration with vans in 2011.

JJS I think I was like 19 they just came to me and “Wanna to do something?”

LAH How did this happen?

JJS I have no idea! There was this girl that was really cool actually this was when blogs where everything. What was it called… it was called like ‘Bleach Black’. Have you heard of it? It was really cool. And she loved me and she worked at vans, but then she left and she was just like “I want you to work with this girl Melissa” and they did this huge thing and I said I only wanna do it if we incorporate my music. And they did. And it was so fucking fun and then they rented out the Troubadour for me and I had a show and that was my first real show. They really incorporated and embodied me with fashion and with my music.

“I think I can honestly say right now in my life love is the scariest thing!”

LAH You also worked together with your parents for their label Chrome Hearts and also helped work on Bella Hadid’s gown for the Met Gala last year right?

JJS Well, you know we did a collaboration with Gareth Pugh a while ago and Bella is a dear family friend of mine and she is so involved with Chrome Hearts. She’s such a supporter we grew up together and we where just hanging and she was like “I’m wearing that to the MET” and then we decided she needed a veil and then we made this amazing veil and I was placing gold on it. It was just a really nice family project and she just rocked it and that was amazing, so things like that just happen when you are at the factory.

LAH How would you describe your style in terms of fashion?

JJS First of all, I have to be comfortable for the most part, it’s rare that I won’t be. I like to be warm and, I don’t know, I want to look like a lady, but a little bit like fucked up as well, and not always pristine ’cause I have a lot of vintage on, then probably add some crazy big earrings. I think it’s always changing, I like to dress up. It’s just an extension of my mood like anyone’s, if I am in a bad mood I probably wearing creepers this big and stomping around in them.

LAH Your look yesterday on stage was a mix of sexy and comfortable.

JJS My friend owns this line Tigra Tigra and it’s brilliant and she gave me that zebra dress. But then I go buy all of these fabrics and I just make a bunch of them and that’s my stage outfit. And than I costum-made those boots, they are really like my second feet, I feel so naked without them. I love them. It took a while to make them.

LAH What are your fears in life?

JJS Life.

LAH Well okay true, life in general is very scary.

JJS No. Okay, well, i can’t tell you my actual fear because I don’t want anybody to know that. Fear! … In the end I guess being loved is like the coolest thing and loving someone else so i guess…

LAH Not being loved?

JJS Like love, not not being loved, but love .. Love is kind of scary right? But i’m not scared of anything with my career, I think we manifest and we create what we wanna see for ourselves and that’s up to us. No one’s gonna do that.

LAH Yeah it’s the same over here, with love.

JJS Love right? I think I can honestly say right now in my life love is the scariest thing!

LAH What has been the proudest moment of your career?

JJS I think it’s all been really cool. I mean fuck i’m here right now, like this is amazing and I get to talk to you in Berlin, I played a show and I got delicious ramen and I was naked all day walking around the spa. It’s not bad. But I think one of my goals that I’ve wanted to make was going on tour. My next goal’s to play festivals. One of my proudest moments was the vans collaboration because I did that separate to my family and I made my own money and I killed it and I designed and I performed and I felt really satisfied and happy that I got to do that at a young age, you know?

LAH So now you are in Berlin sitting with me on this couch. What’s next for you? Flying back to L.A.?

JJS I will go to Paris to meet my mother and then have some meetings, but then I’m going back to L.A. to write an album. I’m gonna put out my first album.

LAH Awesome news. So are you planning to do that this summer?

JJS Yes, I’m planning to release it before next year.

LAH So in summary, there is a new album in planning, you want to play on festivals, more touring..

JJS Yes, more touring, come back to Berlin, maybe this September (winks).

And then we clinked our cups for her successful tour (mine filled with black coffee and her’s with milk tea).

[crossbows-and-moonshine]

Let The Flames Begin (Chapter 22)

Shit gets real in this one, fair warning for the feels, not good ones either.

----------------------------

~

A low groan left Daryl’s lips at the jolt of pleasure that shot through his body, his hand fisting his dick. His other hand was splayed on the cool tile in front of him as the warm water from the shower beat down on him. Merle was off doing fuck knows what and Daryl was grateful for once, he needed the peace. Especially after seeing Charlene today. Daryl was used to seeing the girl around when she was at work. What he wasn't used to, however, was her turning up at his place of work. He had worked the mechanic job for a few months now, he hoped to keep it but Merle always somehow fucked things up for him when it came to jobs. But he enjoyed it, working with his hands like that, fixing things. It made him feel good.

He had been working when Charlene had walked in the garage and he almost keeled right over. Seeing her in her work uniform from the diner or only being able to see the top half of her behind the store counter was one thing, but today it was hot outside, and she was wearing these tiny fucking denim shorts with a tank top. He ain't ever seen her dress like that before and he couldn't tear his eyes away from those fucking legs. She glanced around and when her eyes landed on him, she beamed a smile that made his heart beat all funny in his chest. The fuck was she so happy to see him for? She walked over and Daryl was painfully aware of the eyes on her, knowing just what kind of guys he worked with and the things that would be running through their heads. He had half a mind to pick her up and carry her back to her house so she could put on some damn pants. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate the view, of course he did. But he knew every other prick in the room did too.

“Hey Daryl! I didn't know you worked here,” she grinned, making him grunt and nod as he chewed his lower lip. He tried to keep his eyes on her face and away from her tight tank top or legs. When he offered up no conversation, since he had no fucking game at all, she must have decided to just carry on talking.

“Do you think you guys could take a look at my car? It’s a piece of shit,” she frowned. Cars, that was a safe topic. Something that he could work with and use to distract himself.

“S’wrong with it?” he asked gruffly. She never seemed phased by his tone though, it was unsettling for him.

“There's a weird rattling noise when I accelerate and it keeps conking out on me,” she smiled sheepishly.

“Yeah, I can look at it,” he shrugged, wanting to be the one to do it so she didn't have to talk to any of these assholes.

“Thanks Daryl! Am I okay to wait here?” she asked, blinking up at him with those long lashes and green eyes. He didn't like the idea of her waiting here but he knew she wouldn't be able to get home without her car. It wasn't like he could take her home just yet since he was working, so it seemed the better option. The place didn't close for another hour, he knew if there was anything wrong with her car then it would have to stay here overnight, so he would offer her a ride in the truck. He wasn't sure how he felt about that. Part of him secretly hoped she would be getting a ride home, to be spending some time alone with her like that. But most of him was too fucking chicken and hoped her car was just fine.

Daryl was pleasantly surprised by two things. First of all, the girl had just stuck by his side while he checked her car over. She hadn't acknowledged anyone else here which meant he didn't have to go breaking faces today. Second, she had been quiet, not bothering him with small talk or mindless bullshit. She just let him get on with his job. If he was some kind of sappy bastard, he might have thought something like she was perfect for him. But he wasn't, not at all. That thought didn't creep into his mind even once, or seven times.

“What's the verdict?” she asked with a smirk as he wiped his dirty hands on his coveralls.

“Yer motor mounts have gone to shit, ruptured. Gonna need fixin’ but we close in fifteen minutes, gonna have to wait ‘til tomorrow, “ he explained, watching her face fall. He felt bad he had caused that look, but it wasn’t his fault after all.

“Okay, Thanks Daryl, I appreciate this. I'll see you tomorrow,” she said, a weak smile on her lips as she slung her bag over her shoulder. This was it, he couldn't let her fucking walk home on her own like that. Shit, he had some manners.

“If ya wait a minute, let me change. I can take ya home,” he insisted, his tone leaving no room for argument because like fuck he was giving her a choice. Her eyes widened a little and he half expected her to laugh or tell him to fuck the fuck off, that she wouldn't ever get in a car with him. But instead a bright smile graced her features and she seemed to relax. Maybe she was worried about her walking home too.

“You're a lifesaver, you know that?” she grinned, making him scoff and duck his head shyly. He fished his keys from his pocket and handed them to her. He wasn't about to leave her here whilst he got himself ready to go home.

“Go wait, it's the Gray-blue Ford F-250 outside,” he said, making her nod with a smile before she scurried off.

“Damn Dixon, ya lucky bastard! How’dya land a girl like her?” Dave called from the other end of the shop with a laugh. Daryl rolled his eyes, choosing to ignore him. He didn't correct him though. Maybe they'd all leave her alone if they thought she was his girl. It didn't take long before he was ready and in the driver's seat of his truck. He could smell her and it felt like it was suffocating him. His eyes kept sideglancing to her legs, those tiny fucking shorts would be the death of him. All he could think about were those legs wrapped around him as he fucked her senseless. He couldn't bring himself to talk. His thoughts were going places they shouldn't have gone and he was scared if he spoke she might somehow know. Thankfully she stayed quiet, seemingly content with the silence. He was relieved when he pulled up outside of her house, his dick was straining against his jeans and he needed to get the fuck out of dodge before she noticed.

“Thanks again Daryl, I’ll see you tomorrow,” she smiled, hopping out and walking to her door. Daryl didn't even try and stop himself from staring at her firm looking ass as she went, not like she could see him now anyhow. He sped off home, knowing his brother wouldn't be in. He was rarely in these days and Daryl was thankful for it. He knew his brother was up to no good, but he needed the peace. He went straight to the bathroom, tearing at his clothes almost frantically. His dick was throbbing, it was almost painful as he stepped under the spray of the water. Wasting no time as he gripped his cock and started stroking it. She made him feel like a damn horny teenager all over again. It didn't take long until he felt the pleasure building, the tingling that started at the base of his spine. He was panting and moaning, arching into his own hand as he imagined being buried deep inside the girl with the pretty green eyes.

~

Daryl's eyes shot open with a gasp, his chest heaving as he looked around frantically. He wasn't back at home jerking off to the girl, he was fucking sat next to her in the truck whilst his brother drove. His heart was thumping wildly in his chest, her scent was fucking choking him as it filled his nostrils, making his head spin after the dream he had. Merle and Charlene glanced to him. Merle knew better than to ask him about it, assuming it was a nightmare. Daryl had been having nightmares since a young boy and Merle knew to leave well enough alone.

“Are you okay?” Charlene asked carefully, he was sweating and his face was flushed. He looked spooked.

“Need air, let me out,” he demanded, his voice sounding panicked. Merle hit the brakes and Daryl flung himself out the door, sucking in air greedily. Man, why did he have to be such a fucking pervert? Dreaming about one of the many times he touched himself thinking about her. Only to wake up and have her right there, her side pressed against his. He just needed to cool off for a fucking second. He flinched when he felt a hand on his arm, whipping around to come face to face with the girl he had been dreaming about. He swallowed thickly and looked down at the floor.

“Bad dream?” she asked, giving him a wary smile.

“S’nothin’,” he grunted, not wanting to outright lie to her but unable to tell her just what it was.

She just nodded and let his arm go, letting him relax a little. He finally managed to calm his breathing and settle himself.

“Uh...whilst we’re out here...I kinda need to pee,” she said sheepishly, her cheeks flushing as she avoided his eyes. He just blinked at her for a moment before nodding. They'd done this a hundred times by now but it never got less awkward. Daryl went over to the truck, peeking his head in the open window.

“She’s gotta piss, be back in a few,” he said, making Merle snort and nod as he handed his brother his bow. Daryl went back over to her and lead her into the wooded area they were near. He had his bow ready in case it was needed and turned his back as she did her business.

An hour later and he was still in the woods, but this time for a different reason. When they had gone back to the truck Merle had said he was itching to hunt something so they decided just to look about in the woods near the truck for some game. He knew it was the fact that his brother was antsy, Daryl was really proud of how far his brother had come with lessening his drug use, it made him feel hopeful that his brother might actually get clean one day. It was evident just how antsy Merle was with the fact that he was willing to leave the truck and bike on the main road as they all went through the woods. But they knew not to go too far. They hadn’t caught a damn thing though and it was about to start getting dark.

Daryl walked on ahead a little, crouching to examine some tracks. Seemed to be a rabbit, maybe they would catch something after all.

“Mother fucker!” he heard Merle yell out from behind him and then Charlene cried out his name. He whipped around with his bow ready to see Merle with a dead fuck on top of him whilst he lay on the floor. Charlene shocked the shit out of herself and Daryl when she swung her tomahawk down into the soft skull on the dead prick, making it go limp. Daryl ran over, pushing the fucker off his brother in a panic. His brother was out cold, no doubt from the fall, maybe hit his head or something. But Daryl was frantic as he checked him over for a bite. When he didn't see one, he relaxed infinitely, standing and wiping a hand over his face with a shaky hand.

“Daryl!” Charlene gasped, tugging on his arm. He looked to where she was staring at only to see a whole bunch of the dead stumbling through the trees, no doubt after hearing his brother yell like he did. His heart seized up as he looked to his brother unconscious on the floor.

“Get the fuck back to the truck!” he called out, slinging his bow over his shoulder as he crouched next to Merle.

“What?! I'm not going without you!” she cried, terror gripping her soul as she glanced to the dead who were approaching them.

“Girl, I ain't gonna tell ya twice! I need to get him outta here! I'll follow ya! Just go!” he snarled, not having her fucking do this to him. He couldn't focus on keeping them both safe like this, he needed all his attention on his brother. His tone had her scurrying off, knowing not to argue. He hooked his arms under Merle's armpits and started dragging his dead weight, trying to be as quick as he could. He thanked his lucky stars the dead weren't fucking runners, that shit would be scarier than this.

His heart was beating erratically, he couldn't even use his weapon like this. He just needed to get his brother back to the truck. He dragged him, ignoring the burning in his arms and as he finally made it to the road, his heart shattered when he saw no sign of the girl.

“Charlene? Charlene?!” he called out, panic lacing his words as his head whipped around. She wasn't here. He felt a searing pain in his chest and then he heard the dead getting closer. He needed to get Merle in the truck before they came through the trees and saw them. They’d never be able to get out the damn thing with all of them surrounding it. He opened the door and grunted as he hauled Merle into the seat, laying him down and chucking a jacket over him so the dead didn't catch a glimpse of him. He slammed the door shut, crouching in the footwell. It was uncomfortable, he wasn't fucking small, but he didn't have a choice. Where the fuck was she? His heart was burning as he pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes, the tears threatening to fall. She was out there all alone with all these dead fucks. He couldn't go to her, they were already walking passed them, the truck kept rocking as they bumped into it and a choked sob left his lips. What was he thinking? Sending her off on her own like that, like she was as skilled as he and Merle were at navigating the woods. He tugged on his hair harshly, angry at himself for being so stupid and careless, and now she was out there alone and scared. Without him or his brother to keep her safe.

Merle stirred, a soft groan leaving his lips as his eyes fluttered open,

“The fuck?” he asked wearily, taking note at how he was now laying in the truck.

“Shut the fuck up!” Daryl hissed, eyes wide and feral looking. Merle couldn't see him from how he was lay but he heard the panic in his voice. Merle's keen sense of hearing picked up on the many groans and how their truck rocked back and forth. He held his breath realising what was going on. It felt like forever until the truck stopped moving and the noises dulled down and Merle sat up. He looked around and a deep frown etched onto his face when he realised they were the only two there.

“Where the fucks the girl?” Merle barked glaring at his brother as he got out from the footwell, grabbing his bow.

“Fuckin’... I told her to run when all the dead came. Told her to go to the truck so I could get ya back and...and she ain't here man! She’s just..she’s fuckin’ gone!” Daryl lamented, sounding scared and angry.

“Ya fuckin’ lost her?!” Merle yelled, making Daryl clench his jaw and squeeze his eyes shut. He didn’t need his brother to point out what a fucking failure he was. He knew just how much of a failure he was all on his own.

Daryl didn't need to even say a word to his brother as they both jumped out of the truck. There were only a few stragglers left now and Merle jabbed his knife into an eye socket of one whilst Daryl let a bolt fly into the temple of another. Both being of the same mind, they wordlessly went back to where Merle had been knocked out. That was the last time they had seen the girl and Daryl hoped to fuck they could track her from there, that all the dead hadn't fucked up the tracks. She wasn't there, not that he expected her to be since he had told her to run and saw her. He glanced in the direction that he saw her running and his heart sank. How the fuck hadn't he noticed she had run the wrong fucking way? He resisted the urge to yell, to fucking kick something as he tugged again harshly at his hair and he clenched his jaw. Merle watched him carefully, seeing him starting to unravel. He was worried but he wasn't about to make Daryl feel worse than what he already clearly did.

Daryl walked the way she went, looking on the floor for some tracks but he couldn't make much out with all the dead fucks footprints all over. He walked through some trees, stopping dead as his heart clenched so painfully he felt it might just explode.

“No. No no no!” he yelled as he shook his head, making Merle push past him to see just what he had seen. Merle relaxed when he didn't see the girl’s mangled eaten body lay there but it didn't help any that her pack was there covered in blood. Merle tried to quell the panic inside of him, he needed to be the big brother here. Daryl shook his head, his resolve of trying to be quiet gone as he let out a mix between an anguished cry and an angry yell. He doubled over, falling to his knees as he sucked in harsh breaths, broken sobs leaving his lips. She was gone. She was dead and it was all his fault. How had he failed her this badly? It was obvious she hadn't got out of this alive. The amount of blood on the pack, all the tracks from the biters.

Merle swallowed thickly as Daryl's gut-wrenching cries filled up the space surrounding them and he tried to stuff it all down. The girl was gone, it was pretty fucking clear at this point and he hated how it made his heart ache dully inside of his chest. He walked over to Daryl, crouching next to him and Daryl all but lunged at him. Clinging to him like a life raft as he sobbed helplessly. The only other time Merle had seen his little brother this upset was after their mother had died. And right now Daryl was more boy than man as he cried like a small child. It only made the dull ache grow in Merle's chest.

“I got ya baby brother,” he muttered, cradling his head as he squeezed his own eyes shut. He heard rustling behind them and a few biters were on their way. He wasn't surprised with the racket his brother was making.

“We gotta go Daryl,” Merle said firmly, Daryl didn't move though, even when Merle stood up. Daryl just sat on his knees, tears falling down his dirty cheeks as he glared at the girls pack.

Merle grabbed it, slinging it over his shoulder and yanking his brother up by the arm. He dragged Daryl through the forest and pushed him into the truck when they got there. Now in the safety of the truck, he glanced to his little brother as he was staring vacantly out the window.

“Daryl...Shit, I’m sorry brother,” Merle lamented, his own voice cracking a little as he glanced to the pack in his lap. He had grown fond of the tiny little thing, and now she was just gone. Daryl was silent, too silent for Merle's liking as he watched him warily. Without warning, Daryl reached out and grabbed Merle's gun and went to put it into his mouth, but Merle snatched it away before he fucking put a bullet in his head. The bullet went off and lodged itself into the roof of the truck as Merle glared at him, smacking him upside the head. He knew his brother was hurting, but like hell he was gonna put up with this bullshit.

“Just let me fuckin’ do it Merle! She's dead ‘cause of me! I fuckin’ failed her!” Daryl yelled ferociously, but Merle knew the anger wasn’t directed at him. Daryl was angry at himself.

“Ya didn't fail her Daryl, ya kept her alive for as long as ya did. Ya sent her off thinkin’ it would help, it ain’t yer fault,” Merle tried to reason with him. He couldn't remember seeing his brother this wild looking. Daryl growled, kicking the dash in a temper as he pulled at his hair. Merle watched on, he knew nothing he said would make this easier on him and his heart was breaking for him. Daryl put his head in his hands, his chest heaving. How could the world be so cruel? After every single thing he had endured in his life, every ounce of pain he was dealt, how could he lose the only good thing he had left? How could life be so fucking cruel to do this to him?  He sat up, wiping his eyes and sniffling and Merle eyed him carefully.

He saw it, the moment his brother shut down. This was what happened when their mother died. Daryl had switched off, his brain wanting to numb the pain. The only thing he had felt was anger and that was it and Merle knew he was doing it all over again. Daryl stared out of the window, letting the numbness take over, welcoming the relief from the blinding pain he was feeling from the grief.

“We should uh...we should head to Atlanta still. See what's there,” Merle muttered. It felt wrong somehow to still go, to even say that after what happened. But they couldn't just sit here whilst his brother had a fucking mental breakdown. He had to take charge and deal with this before it got out of hand.

“Do what ya want,” Daryl huffed, still staring ahead. He didn't give two shits what they did now, he didn't care of the biters fucking got to him. He fucking deserved it for what he did. She was dead because of him. The light in his life had been snuffed out in an instant and now he had nothing. Fuck the world. The world never did anything for him. He had tried so hard to be a better man, to do better than his name and the curse that followed it. But he always got shit on, nothing ever went right. What was the point in trying to be a better man if this was all he got? He would just be the asshole he knew was hidden deep inside of him. He would fucking live up to that wretched Dixon name because why the fuck not? He didn't have a reason to be a better man anymore. He didn't owe the world shit.

(I’mma just leave this here for reference. *cackles and runs off into the night*)

Taglist; @risingphoenix761 @daryldixonandfrogs @arlaina28 @divadinag @keeperofwonderlandus @jodiereedus22 @easnuppa @fand0m-fiend @txladyj-blog @walkingdead-dixon

[purplesurveys]

792

Who was the last person you had an intelligent debate with?: I don’t really have debates with anyone other than Gab or Angela. I’ll have deep discussions with my other friends, but they never turn into a debate.

Who was the last person who cooked something for you?:  My dad. Technically he just reheated stuff tonight, but he was still also the one who cooked for us this morning for breakfast.

Who was the last person who you heard singing?:  My mom. She does karaoke by herself one or two times a week for funsies and will sing songs from her day for an hour or so, and she did it tonight.

Who was the last person you kissed and it meant something?: Gabie, but it’s been a whilllllle. 

Who was the last person you were upset with?:  This girl that I’m classmates with for a layout class, Mikee. Horrible work ethic. So just for context, I currently have a grade of INC (Incomplete) for the layout class I took last semester because my prof wasn’t satisfied with our final output, which are a class magazine and a class newspaper; and when you have an INC, you typically have a year to fulfill the missing requirement/s (except in our case, we only have half a year because we have graduating students in the class, including me). Now that we’re inching closer to graduation and the college is supposed to release the official list of graduating students soon, I have to make sure ALL my grades are in. Mikee volunteered to be the one to contact our prof for submitting our work, and even though we’ve finished up and polished our revised outputs, she is taking FOREVER to email the prof for whatever fucking reason. I’m getting antsy by the hour and am desperate for a bit of urgency on her end because if my name doesn’t end up on the list of graduates I definitely wouldn’t hesitate to lash out on her.

Who was the last person you danced with?: Angela, Gabie, and Hans. And some other ADMU dudes I’ve never hung out with other than at that party.

Who was the last person you felt awkward around?: My dad. He made pancakes from scratch earlier and I think his measurements weren’t 100% spot on, because they came out incredibly dense and bland. I was already cranky enough this morning – and I still hadn’t known he made them himself – so I scowled when I took my first few bites because I thought it tasted off and even asked if it was some kind of vegetarian pancake. Once he said he made it from scratch, I felt awkward, shut up, and wolfed my plate down to show him that I enjoyed it and to make up for my horrid behavior just seconds before.

Who was the last person who borrowed something from you?: My mom borrowed my car (which is technically my parents’ anyway because they bought it lmao) to go to work today.

Who was the last person who showed you how to do something?: My dad. I wanted to get reacquainted with making stuff in the kitchen so he showed me how to cook hotdogs properly. I was already making them before, but after one time that one of our stove burners emitted a huge flame when I turned it on, I stopped making any food altogether for a while.

Who was the last person you went shopping with?: My mom.

Who was the last person you had a crush on?: Song Joong Ki hahaaaaaaah.

Who was the last person who made you cry?: The amazing actor from Descendants of the Sun playing the troubled rookie doctor. I looked him up and apparently he’s also one of the lead vocalists of SHINee, so he must be talented as all hell.

Who was the last person you shared a bed with?: Kimi, 45 seconds before he jumped off.

Who was the last person you got drunk with?: Angela, Hans, Gabie, Aids...I don’t remember the others anymore but they were cool and funny people. Idk, we were a big group so yeah.

Who was the last person who touched your hair?: Just me.

What was the last pair of shoes you wore?: A pair of Nikes to walk my dog.

What was the last birthday party you attended?: My cousin’s, aunt’s, and grandma’s. Their birthdays all fall on the same week in December, so it’s tradition for us to go over to my aunt’s to celebrate.

What was the last thing you said to your mother?: Something about thesis. I was telling her that I included her and dad and my four grandparents in my acknowledgments.

What was the last song you listened to?: I was listening to Beyoncé’s Homecoming a few hours ago but I’m too lazy to check what song was it I paused.

What was the last thing you thought about before going to sleep last night?: I wasn’t thinking of anything, I was just focused on falling asleep.

What was the last fun thing you did with your family?: Video-calling other relatives.

What was the last thing you borrowed from someone?: My dad’s earphones...and I’ve kept them for the meantime too lol thanks dad.

What was the last vegetable you ate?: String beans.

What was the last thing you bought online?: A Hydro Flask and several necklaces.

What was the last thing you had to drink?: I don’t *have* to drink it but I did make myself a cup of coffee tonight.

What was the last reason you went to see a doctor?: Had to get my eye checked. Sucks that I couldn’t and can’t have a follow-up appointment especially since my left eye still acts up from time to time.

What was the last non-food item you purchased?: Soju lmaaaaaooo.

What was the last type of yogurt you ate?: I hate yogurt.

What was the last fast food place you ate at?: Jollibee. We didn’t eat inside though, we just got the food delivered to our home. I think the last fast food place I was actually inside of was McDonald’s.

What was the last thing that bothered you and kept you awake?: I haven’t been bothered by anything in a while. Caffeine is the only thing keeping me up these days.

When was the last time you embarrassed yourself? I had sort of a Eureka moment earlier tonight when I suddenly recalled my paternal grandparents’ whole names. I had opted to use their nicknames in my acknowledgments and didn’t think anything of it, but then I remembered what their actual full first names were and then felt embarrassed within myself that I submitted a final draft with their nicknames. HAHAHA it’s a good things are less chill with the lockdown in place so I was able to explain and resubmit with the necessary revisions.

When was the last time you watched a movie with someone?: January-ish. I watched Hello Love Goodbye with Gabie.

When was the last time you charged your phone?: A few hours ago.

When was the last time you were sick with a cold?: It’s been...a while. I rarely get sick with anything so I don’t get to keep track of whenever I do.

When was the last time you spoke to a family member on the phone?: My birthday when my lola called.

When was the last time it rained where you live?: A couple of days ago, I think.

When was the last time you laid awake, unable to sleep?: This afternoon. I wanted to sleep the heat off, but it was just so uncomfortable I just ended up twisting and turning and sweating more. MAAAAAAN I can’t wait for June.

When was the last time you met someone new?: A week or so ago when I went on a following spree on this blog and started talking to a couple of them. Lol following spree in the survey community means following 3 or 4 blogs, but still.

When was the last time you filled up your car with petrol/gas?:  Gotta be the first week of March as that was the last time I was able to drive a lot.

When was the last time you ate popcorn?: Some months ago, I’m guessing? There was a brief time that my mom bought popcorn kernels to make bowls of popcorn for us, but we got tired of it pretty easily so there was no reason for her to keep buying more packs.

When was the last time you went to a school event?  I went to the Lantern Parade last December, as is tradition for my school’s community. I was mostly alone because my friends had to leave early and Gabie was stuck in traffic all evening and didn’t arrive til like, 9:30 PM, which sounds sad for me lol but it was still a fun experience.

When was the last time you took the trash out?: My parents don’t give me that task.

When was the last time you did anything to change your appearance?: Fucking March, a week before the lockdown. Okodlkjfffjsj don’t remind me I’m still pressed about it. No one got to see my short hair and bangs grrrrrrrr

When was the last time you cooked at home?: A week ago. I reconciled with the kitchen and cooked a couple of hotdogs hahaha. They’re frozen and literally a child could make them, but egh, I wanna have my moment too.

When was the last time you had a sleepover?: Honestly can’t remember. Start of the year maybe?

Where did you last go shopping for clothing?: Feliz. It’s my favorite place to find new clothes so yeah, you’ll always be hearing about Feliz. Where did you last go on a date to?: A study date at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf and dinner at Yabu afterwards.

Where was the last wedding you went to?: 2007, my uncle and aunt’s. I had plans to go to my cousin Joelle’s wedding in Texas this year, but I think they postponed it which highkey ended up working well for them because it wouldn’t have happened under current circumstances anyway.

Where did you last park your car, other than home?: Gabie’s place.

Where did you last leave your keys?: On top of the dining room TV.

Where did your last kiss take place? By Gabie’s front door, I think.

Where did you last go for a walk to?: In front of the house and just a little farther, with my dog. He’s getting older so he gets tired easily and can’t go on the same walks we used to have, but I still make sure he gets his exercise.

Where did you last take a vacation to?: We had a weekend trip to Tagaytay and Cavite but honestly it felt like a quick getaway more than anything else. The last trip that felt like a vacation was when we went to Bicol.

Where did you last go to celebrate your own birthday?: I celebrated it at home.

Where was the last place you had dinner at?: Just at home, again.

Where did you last go to exercise?: I don’t exercise. < Ha, samesies.

Where did you last take public transport to?: Jum and I were going to the Senate building for a journalism class. That was the first and last time I took legit public transport.

Where does the last person you hung out with live?: Upper part of the city.

Where did you last visit for the first time?: Uhhhh I think it was the salon I went to to get my hair done.

Where did you last take a photo?: On the floor of the dining area, to take selfies with my dog.

[luckyspike]

Adventures in America, Ch. 11 - The Ribs are Probably Symbolic, or Maybe Just Delicious

In which Adam and Lucky have a serious Discussion about The Past

it’s a lot of emotions and talking, and also a low key ode to barbecue ribs

Start with chapter 1 here

Refresh on chapter 10 here

or check out my fic tag for all kinds of stuff

---

Adam waited for the waiter to drop off two sodas and leave with their food orders before he dropped the opener. “I’m the Antichrist.”

It didn’t get the reaction he’d been afraid of. In fact, it hardly garnered any reaction at all. Lucky watched him for a long minute, then slowly reached across the table, picked up his soda, and sipped through the straw. He looked pensive. After a while, he swallowed, and said, “Go on.”

“Any questions about that?”

“Yes, but I want to hear you out first. I think …” He looked around. Leaned forward, wove his fingers through his hair, and stared fixedly at the table. “I think this is going to answer a lot of weird questions I’ve had about my life.”

Adam frowned. “So you don’t think I’m crazy?” It wasn’t a question of validation, for Adam, but for confirmation. Lucky nodded. “You don’t want me to like … prove it, or anything?”

“The haunted doll was plenty, but I mean, if you want to get us a free meal and no one has to die or anything …”

Adam shook his head firmly and said, “No, no messing around. I don’t do that. I try not to do any of it, anymore. Not unless I really have to. And … and you know, the longer I go without using the powers …”

Lucky nodded. “You don’t use it, you lose it. Heard that all my life.” He nodded to Adam. “So … explain stuff. Please.”

Adam sighed, folded his hands. “I didn’t know ‘til I was eleven. An’ then it kind of just … happened overnight. My Dog showed up - he’s a hellhound, or he used to be, I dunno if he still is - an’ I thought he was just a regular stray dog. But then I started hearing these voices, tellin’ me to change things an’ take over the world an’ I kind of … lost it? For a little while, anyway.” He stopped to gauge Lucky’s expression, but the other boy just nodded again, encouragingly, urging him on. “An’ then, uh, this is gonna sound crazy, but I guess, um. Well, me an’ my friends met the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse an’ like, defeated them or something, an’ my godfathers were there, plus some other people, Anathema and Madam Tracy and Newt and Mister Shadwell, and I thought I did it? Like told ‘em to stuff the whole Armageddon thing.”

“Uh-huh.” Lucky was wide-eyed, and he took a long sip of soda as Adam continued to talk. 

“But I didn’t.” He swallowed. “‘Cause then this angel and this demon showed up - not Aziraphale and Crowley, two other ones - to try to convince me to re-start it, but I didn’t. I told ‘em off, and they left and said they’d tell … um. You know.”

“Lucifer? And, wait … Francis and Nanny are an angel and a demon?”

“I guess,” Adam said wretchedly. He groaned. “Anyway, then he got angry and was gonna come and tell me off for not starting Armageddon, but Crowley stopped time for a minute -”

Lucky held up a hand. “Which one is Crowley? Demon or angel?”

“Your Nanny. I’m pretty sure. But definitely a demon.”

Lucky grinned. “Oh, kick ass.”

“Yeah, it was. Anyway, that gave me time to think about what to do, ‘cause at that moment I had literally all the power in the world, ‘an so we came back to the present and I told the devil to piss off because he wasn’t my dad. An’ then my dad showed up,” he finished, a little lamely. Lucky’s mouth was open.

“You told Satan to fuck off? Piss off,” he amended. “Actually those words? And you were eleven?”

“Not exactly those words.” Adam sighed. “I actually yelled ‘you’re not my dad’ at him like ten times and then he like dissolved into a cloud.” 

“Dude that’s still awesome.” Lucky sat back. “Holy shit. Fuck. I … I dunno what to say. Then what?”

“What? What do you mean, then what?” He shrugged. “I dunno? The world didn’t end?”

“I mean clearly. But like, you gave up that evil stuff and whatever, and then you just … went home? Went back to school?”

Adam considered it. He’d never really focused much on the afterwards part. “I got grounded. For being on a restricted military air base and uh, being out when I was supposed to be in bed.”

“You rebel,” said Lucky, faintly. “But you still know - Crowley? Nanny? Shit, I still call her - him, ugh, what …” He rested his forehead on his hand. “She’s still Nanny.”

“I always knew him as Crowley.” Adam shrugged. Cautiously, he took a drink, taking a minute to glance around the restaurant. Nobody seemed to be paying them any attention, and he didn’t see anyone he recognized. “Yeah, after the whole thing I found a paper with his number on it in my jacket pocket. For if I had questions, it said. So I called him up one day and I guess he had handed in his retirement papers to Hell or whatever, I never really found out, but after that we just … we started meeting like once every month to talk about stuff, and I think he wanted to keep an eye on me, but then like, him an’ Aziraphale - I’m 99% sure that’s Brother Francis - just sort of kept hanging around even when I didn’t have that many questions left an’, you know how it is.” He shrugged again. “I dunno. They’re cool. An’ I learned at church that back in the day your godparents were supposed to be the ones to teach you about religion so I figured godfathers worked as well as any name for them.”

“I’d say so, yeah.” Lucky blinked. “Wow. Okay. That explains … like in some ways that explains nothing, but then in other ways that explains literally everything, so I don’t know how to take it.”

Adam sipped his own soda. “Well, you haven’t called the cops to have me committed to a mental hospital yet, so I’d say you’re doing better than I expected.” That got a laugh. “Right, so that’s me. Tell me your side. Because uh, I think that’s gonna answer a lot of questions for me, too.”

Lucky shrugged. “It’s not as dramatic. But basically, growing up until I was seven I always had Brother Francis and Nanny. And they were always like ‘do good unconditionally’ - that was Francis - or ‘crush your enemies to bloody pulp beneath your shoes when you assume your throne’.”

“Nanny.” Adam nodded knowingly. “Which is really funny, actually, if you get to know Crowley, ‘cause - sorry, never mind. Go on.”

“Well no, you’re right, because she was mostly all talk. She was actually a super good Nanny. And, like, she was always encouraging me to get into mischief but like I think the worst thing we ever did was vandalize museum plaques and cut down literally all the hedges on the property because she said they were pathetic excuses for plants. The rest of the stuff was like, just kind of goofy pranks.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s definitely Crowley.”

“But she left! Her and Francis.” He looked sad then, and as a basket of dinner rolls arrived he seized one and started ripping it in half, scowling at it the whole time. “When I was seven. Said I was too old to have a Nanny anymore and I’d have tutors or whatever. But I thought I might still see her since she and Francis were always together, but he handed in his resignation the same day.” He sighed and jammed half of the roll into his mouth. “Pfufthed.”

“Uh …”

Lucky swallowed. “It sucked,” he clarified. “Sorry. But she did leave me her email address. So I started writing her then and I’ve pretty much written her twice a week ever since.” His eyes widened. “Wait a minute, I have her phone number! She just told me never to just call, because she doesn’t have good reception, but I can text her and if we want to talk we set up a time. She always calls on my birthday.” He held out a hand. “Lemme see your phone.” 

Adam had already seen where this was headed, and he had his phone on the table in a blink. He pulled up Crowley’s contact information, and Lucky pulled up Nanny’s. They checked the numbers once, twice, and three more times, and then Lucky swore. “It really is her!”

“And I’m sure Francis is really Aziraphale.” He crossed his arms and considered the phones. “Wonder if I can convince ‘em to video chat later. I want to ask them about the doll, anyway.”

“Oh, good idea.” He consumed the second half of the dinner roll, and went on. “Anyway, so I never actually saw them after that, just talked and wrote and stuff, but then when I was eleven, the other weird thing that happened was the whole trip to Israel.” He shook his head. “So my dad gets this memo from the White House, right, that we’re expected right away in Tel Megido, Israel, for some kind of diplomatic meeting with a field researcher. Or something. Anyway, we all three go - me and my parents, plus all the bodyguards - and we meet this professor guy there that looked super weird. And he stank. Like, literally, smelled like a dirty public toilet. But he kept asking me about the voices in my head, and the dog, and all this stuff I didn’t understand but he freaked me out so I was trying to play along. But then when I didn’t like, know the answers because I wasn’t you, I guess, he straight up bit his finger off and ran into the avocado grove and then it exploded.” He shrugged. “Honestly I thought he died.”

“He was probably a demon or something.” Adam swallowed. “Did he have a name?”

Lucky thought about it, brow furrowed and then, unexpectedly, he laughed. “Yeah, actually! He said is name was Dr. Hastur La Vista.”

“Oh God.” Adam winced. “Hastur.”

“You know him?” 

“Never met him, thank you very much, no. But Crowley’s told me about him. He’s a Duke of Hell. I think … I think you got really lucky, Lucky.”

The other boy, under his mop of dark hair and his increasingly-shaggy beard, paled. “Duke … of Hell.”

“Yeah.” 

“So what confuses me -” he stopped short, because the waiter arrived with two plates of ribs, which were each deposited in front of the boys. They said their thank yous, smiled politely, and then Lucky lunged forward, stuffing a french fry into his mouth, deadly serious. “How did they think I was you?”

Adam looked down at his food, and started pulling the ribs apart. “All I know,” he said slowly, “was there was a mistake. The only person supposed to be giving birth that night was your mum, but my mum went into labor early. So they both must have given birth at the same hospital, with the Satanic Nuns.” He leaned in, lowered his voice. “Crowley delivered me in a basket, and they were supposed to switch me with whichever baby your mom had. But with three babies I guess things got mixed up, and I ended up with my parents.”

Lucky blinked and, slowly, set down the french fry he had been holding. “Are you … are you saying my parents aren’t really my parents?” He looked lost, suddenly, eyes wide and shiny. “But … but I look so much like my mom …”

“I don’t know,” Adam replied hurriedly. “I’m sorry. Sorry. I don’t know. Everything got so mixed-up, I guess, and Crowley assumed they’d got it right and put me with your parents so when they took you home they thought …” he trailed off. Lucky wasn’t talking, wasn’t even looking at him. He was staring at his food, hands limply resting on either side of the plate. “Your parents might be -”

“They’re not,” he snapped, before Adam had a chance to finish. “They might have fucked up but they wouldn’t have fucked up that bad. They would have swapped me and the baby my mom actually had.” His eyes watered. “Shit. Oh, shit.” And then he was crying, all at once, tears and snot and all. “Fuck.”

“I’m sorry,” Adam said softly, because he was. “I wish it hadn’t happened.” He let the other boy cry, for as long as he needed. No one noticed, Adam made sure, because he felt like he owed it to the other guy to keep him from becoming a barbecue restaurant spectacle in the middle of a total breakdown. He picked at his food - suddenly, he was not very hungry at all - and waited, while around them the diners came and went, their own food got cold, and Lucky kept crying. 

He petered out eventually. “I bet your parents are my actual parents,” he said, voice shaking and hitching as he spoke. “That’s what happened. Bet you anything.”

Adam shifted uncomfortably. “Probably.”

“What happened to my mom’s baby?”

“I don’t know. He’s … he’s okay,” Adam finished, because he knew that was true, somehow. He’d felt it in his soul back at the airfield, although he hadn’t known what it was at the time, and he felt it now, too. In a way, it was a relief to finally be able to label that feeling of ‘okay’. “I just know. I don’t know how, but I know.”

Lucky took a shaky breath. “My parents … the people that raised me … fuck, even that’s not right, that was always Nanny and Brother Francis.” He sobbed again. “God damn it. My dad - Thaddeus - always thought I was weird, my mom - Harriet - never wanted anything to do with me if I wasn’t interested in exactly what she wanted to do.” He sniffled. “This whole trip … they don’t give a shit. Oh, they acted like they were worried or whatever, but they haven’t called. Haven’t texted. I think when I’m not home they forget I exist.” He sobbed. “And you talked to your parents. They’re good parents.”

Adam didn’t deny it. He was surprised to find that he too had tears running down his cheeks. “Yeah. I’m so sorry, Lucky, I’m really sorry, but I … I don’t know what to say.” He sagged, swiped his sleeve across his face. “I can’t fix it anymore.”

Lucky bit back another sob, and took a deep breath. Swallowed. “Can I meet them?”

“Absolutely,” he replied without hesitation. “Whenever you want, any time you want. Any time.”

“Thanks.” He didn’t cry again, at least not audibly. Tears ran down his face for a little while longer. He prodded at his fries. “God, and it was Nanny’s fault … I thought she loved me.”

“I bet she does.” Adam was surprised with the conviction with which he said it. “You know if Crowley likes you. If Crowley likes you, he … like, okay, he has literally run into a burning building at least twice to save someone he likes.”

Lucky laughed wetly at that. “Doesn’t sound like she’s a very good demon.”

“No, terrible demon. That’s why he retired. Aziraphale’s kind of a shit angel too, to be honest. I think if he had his way he’d be a hermit and live in a hollowed-out mountain full of books. He retired too,” he added. And then, because he felt he had to defend Crowley a little bit, “I don’t think there was much of a choice. I don’t think any of us - definitely not you or me or our parents, or Aziraphale, and I don’t think even Crowley - had much choice.”

“He could have not dropped you off at all,” Lucky challenged. “Just taken you somewhere else and …” he swallowed.

Adam didn’t need to hear him finish the sentence. “He doesn’t kill kids,” he replied. “It’s kind of one of his things.”

“Wow, he really is a shitty demon.”

“Totally.” He sighed. “I’m so sorry, man. Maybe … I probably should have kept all that to myself, huh?”

The answer didn’t come right away. It didn’t come after a minute, after Lucky sipped his soda full of melted ice and thought it over. “No,” he said finally. “No, I’m … I’m gonna be glad you did, eventually. I kind of hate you right now, but you were a baby when everything went down initially, and you didn’t know, and then when you did know you told the actual devil to fuck off and stopped the Apocalypse, so I guess that counts for a lot.”

“All sounds pretty fair,” Adam agreed.

“I think we should find the other guy. The third baby.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I do too. But he is okay.”

Lucky looked at Adam warily. “Yeah. Yeah, I … believe you. And maybe we don’t tell him. But I just want to make sure.”

“I’m in. It’s a deal.” He drummed his fingers on the table. “Bet he’s in England.”

“Probably.”

“We can find him.”

“We have to.” He took a deep breath, and then, as if realizing his mostly-untouched food was still there, blinked down at it. “Ugh … I was really looking forward to those.”

“I can warm them up.”

Lucky glanced at him slightly askance. “You’re not gonna like … start breathing fire or something, are you?”

“No, I can just …” he waved a hand and made a vague noise he’d probably picked up from Crowley at some point. “I can just make them warm again. It’s just a little thing, I can still do those.”

“... Alright. But only ‘cause I’m curious.”

Adam shrugged. “Okay. There you go. Warm and fresh.” And indeed, when Lucky held his hand cautiously over the ribs, they were as warm as they’d been when they first came out of the kitchen, the red ochre-colored sauce glistening and sweet-smelling. 

“Jesus.”

“No I’m like … the exact opposite of him.” 

Lucky stared at him and then laughed again. “Yeah. Yeah, you are, dude.” He tore a rib from the rack and bit into it. “Ugh, these are good. You didn’t do that too, did you?”

“Literally just reheated them. Like an infernal microwave oven.” That did it. Oftentimes, when someone has received terrible news, and they’ve cried over it, or begun to mourn, or even just compartmentalized the whole thing away for the time being, the first even vaguely-funny thing that is said afterwards is like a piece of flotsam big enough to grab during a shipwreck. And like a sailor stranded in a sea of confusing history and misunderstandings, Lucky clutched onto Adam’s bad joke and started to giggle. And then to laugh, hard, leaning forward with his forehead resting on the back of his hand, his hair dropping into his barbecue-sauce-coated fingers. Adam laughed too, mostly at how hard Lucky was laughing, and before they realized it the two of them were cackling like hyenas over a plate of ribs and a newly-discovered bond that had tied them together their whole lives, whether they’d known it or not.

“God, that wasn’t even that funny.” Lucky wiped his eyes. “Oh, man. Oh … God.” He looked up, no longer laughing, but definitely curious. “You don’t think … do you think it was a coincidence, us meeting up like this?”

“It’s ineffable.”

“Definitely un-fuckable, you have that right.”

Adam laughed again, and shook his head. “No, no, ineffable. Aziraphale’s always saying that. “Oh, it’s ineffable, God’s plan. Means it can’t be discerned, known, or understood.”

“Ain’t that the truth.” 

“Don’t think about it too much,” Adam advised, with all the experience of someone who had been thinking about it off-and-on for the past seven years. “You think about it too much and you get a headache and a panic attack. My conclusion is always: I dunno, but here I am and so what am I gonna do about it?”

Lucky gnawed at another rib. “Yeah,” he said, around the bone. “Yeah, you’re right. Man, I’m sorry for falling apart like that, but it was kind of a lot.”

“Do not apologize for that.” Adam shook his head vehemently. “Absolutely not. And if you want to be cross with me or upset or whatever, do it. You deserve to. It sucks, what happened.”

“Well, yeah, but I mean look at you.” His face softened a little. “Do you know who -”

“Nope.” Another firm head shake. “Here I am and so what am I gonna do about it,” he repeated like a mantra. 

“Yeah.” He stared at the rubs. “What are we gonna do about it?”

Adam sucked on one of the ribs, savored the sauce, and then shrugged. “I think step one: figure out what the doll was about.”

“Cool, yeah, agreed.” He wiped his nose with the back of his hand, and streaked sauce across his cheek. Adam elected not to say anything. 

“Step two: uh … chase more tornadoes? I mean, it’s what we came here for, right?”

Lucky looked a little less certain about that. “Yeah. Yeah, it was but now I … I dunno. It feels weird to keep doing whatever I was doing. Like. My whole life …” He frowned. “Should my life be different?”

Adam finished the rib he was working on, partially because it was really good, but also partially because he wanted to be sure that he said the thing he wanted to say next right. “Okay.” He set the bone down, and looked at the other boy very seriously. “Don’t take this the wrong way. Because I’m not tryin’ to minimize anything we talked about here. But … this whole new information, right. Is it gonna change your day-to-day?”

Lucky bristled. “Maybe. I mean, it’s sure as fuck gonna affect my relationship with my parents.”

“Not what I meant.” Adam shook his head. “You’re right, it absolutely will. An’ that’s gonna take a lot of time, believe me. I’m still …” he sighed. “It’s still weird, even though I’ve known for a long time. It gets less weird, though.” He squared up his shoulders. “But no, what I’m talking about is, does it change the stuff you like to do? Are you gonna like the weather less, is what I’m saying,” he finished lamely, while Lucky stared at him. “‘Cause if the answer is yes, then I think your step two is gonna be different from mine. I’m gonna keep chasing tornadoes for the next three weeks.”

“I … argh.” Lucky took a bite of his rib with a little more feral energy than was strictly necessary. “This is heavy shit, man. I dunno.” He swallowed the meat. “How are you so chill about all this? Just had a ton of time to deal with it?”

“Partially.” He shrugged. “Also I’ve had like an on-call angel and demon for the past seven years who’ve always been available to talk to me during a personal crisis.” He sighed. “They’re actually super helpful to talk to when you don’t know what to do, because at this point I’m pretty sure they’ve literally seen it all.”

“You’re gonna call them tonight, right?” Lucky looked worried again, a little pale. “About the doll, at least?”

“Yeah. And, uh.” Adam thought it over. “I think you should talk to them too. If you want to. I think it’d be good.”

The answer came fast, and Adam suspected Lucky had just been waiting for the offer. “I want to. I really want to.”

“Alright. So amended plan.” He pushed one of the rib bones off to the side of the others as he spoke. “One: call Aziraphale and Crowley and figure out what the doll was about. Two: figure out what we want to do for step two.” He raised his eyebrows. “Sound better?”

“Can I add something before step one?”

“Sure.”

“Step pre-one: finish these ribs because holy shit, man.” He had another, and then said, “Life’s fucked up right now, but at least these are really good.”

--

Now with chapter 12!

[incognito-lionbeast]

// Spoilers, this actually happens a little further into my fic than I have posted right now. So, for a little context: Aina convinced the others to spend the night at her apartment, because she has an extra room/a pull out sofa & it’s just easier if they’re all in one place.

Anyway, here’s an excerpt of some self-indulgent Hurt/Comfort involving Aina & two rowdy boys. I have no regrets & must share

Galo shifted in her absence, eagerly conquering the freshly-opened space all to himself; thankfully, and much to Aina’s relief, that was all that happened. He was still asleep. Good. Guilt was the only follow up if she’d woken him for this; he had so much on his mind already, she--Aina bit her lip to stifle herself, heart weighing heavily on her conscience as she slowly picked her way toward the balcony. There was no guarantee that the fresh midnight air would do anything for her flushed cheeks or the tears trickling down them, but she couldn’t lay in bed feeling sorry for herself, either.

It was too much. Everything was too much, backlogged emotions piling up until the dam burst and she couldn’t stop thinking. Aina fought a losing battle, clutching the railing with all her might to stave off a complete, sobbing breakdown. She had to be strong. For herself. For her sister. For everyone in her apartment still soundly asleep with the weight of the world on their shoulders. Galo would have understood; he knew what it was like--he knew what it was to feel this kind of loneliness--but she couldn’t bare it. For every second she spent worrying about what was going to happen to her sister, he... Kray was his hero.

Kray was an idiot. Worse than that--! Worse than anything. She scolded herself, sinking down til her forehead met her hands and smooth, cold metal. He couldn’t help her right now. Maybe. Maybe, they could talk later. Maybe when she wasn’t such a guilty mess, maybe when her eyes weren’t full of tears. They left little pools in her wake, sliding off the railing as they soon fell prey to gravity. Just as everything else did. She hoped her neighbours wouldn’t notice. She hoped...

Exhaustion had to take over eventually, right? She wanted the peaceful bliss of nothingness again and the warmth of a shared bed. Even if that was only by necessity--five people in one apartment was a mess--Galo was a nice man. Stupidly warm and stupidly kind, stupid all around sometimes, but he was a good friend. Aina shivered, praying for the world to stop moving so fast, if only for a moment. Long enough to collect herself so she could go back and leave this melancholy to the stars.

Yet, it wasn’t meant to be.

“Oi,” a voice called to her softly, accusingly. Meis, dressed somewhat less than usual, had also fought valiantly with himself and lost--loitering just outside the door, hoping that the problem would solve itself. It didn’t. It wouldn’t. Aina hadn’t noticed him before or the tired, forced sigh that heralded his entry. Aw, fuck. Meis muttered, dredging a hand through his hair as he got closer. Comforting sobbing ladies wasn’t his forte. Never claimed that it was. Awkwardly, he placed a hand on her shoulder. “Couldn’t sleep?”

Aina wanted to disappear, voice hardly above a rasping whisper, “...no, did I--did.. I wake you? I’m sorry.”

“Nah.” Another sigh, a shrug, and his hand gently smoothed over where it laid. There, there? Shit, why was he the one handling this? They barely knew each other, and this--whatever it was, probably wasn’t his business. Still, what kinda guest would he be if he just ignored their host? All alone and totally upset. Context clues said that she didn’t want to be bothered, but fuck if he listened to them, either. This way no one could say that he hadn’t tried. “Woke up to piss. What’s up?”

At least Meis was... honest? A pitiful sputter of laughter followed, and Aina tried to straighten even just a little bit--just enough for his bright pink tank top to finally reach eye-level; she couldn’t look at his face yet. Too embarrassed. He caught her red-eyed and puffy-cheeked. How was she supposed to explain that to him? How could she explain any of this to him? She--her sister had done such terrible things. Of them all, the goddamn Mad Burnish weren’t the ones who owed her any sympathy.

“It’s.. personal.” Aina said, far too aware of them touching. It was soft and stranger than anything, locking her in place with the anxiety of simply not knowing how to react. To it, to Meis. Overall.

“Alright,” Meis tilted his head, gaze resting upon the horizon, past the building and the lot below them, and into the starry city lights. Nice night. It would be a damn shame to waste it being miserable and lonely. It was a shame to waste it not sleeping, either, but he had a few hours to kill before the point of no return. Screw it. If Gueira missed him, then they weren’t exactly hard to find. And he would find them. He had found them. “Don’t tell me. I’ll make up a reason.”

Meis didn’t wait for an answer, “Right now, my reason is that I don’t wanna be known as the asshole who ignored a nice girl bawling her eyes out. Sound fair?”

Aina nodded hesitantly, and to his credit, her sobbing had eased with company. Yet, although the trembling faded and her body stilled, tears still threatened to spill over again at any moment. She tried wiping them away--to save the tatters of her shredded dignity--albeit ineffectually. She wanted to explain something, anything to make up for it. Something to cling to that wasn’t abruptly monologuing her whole life story to a man only trying to be decent. She settled for a half truth, “Sorry, I’m just overwhelmed.”

“Shit happens.” Meis glanced her way and then back over his shoulder. Gueira wasted no time noticing he was gone, huh? Sometimes he tried to remember what his life was like before they were attached at the hip. Probably less exciting. Yet, leering incredulously from inside, Gueira mouthed, ‘What are you doing?’ What wasn’t he doing? And why weren’t you doing it with him? Come join the party, you Burnish bastard. Meis insisted, jerking his chin toward Aina.

Son of a.. Gueira shoved his hands into his jacket, accepting his fate--but know this, Meis, it was not without light protest--and strolling out to take his place on the other side of their host. Unfazed by her surprise, he greeted Aina with a lazy ‘hey’, fumbling with the lining of his pockets for something. Two somethings. What the hell. All three of them were going to Hell in a hand-basket for not thinking this through, anyway. The least he could do was make it a little more enjoyable, finally producing a lighter and a pack of cigarettes. Chastise him later.

“Do you smoke?” Gueira offered. He wouldn’t believe her if she said yes. Hell, he almost couldn’t believe it when she obliged, cracking up as he watched in real time as Aina’s puffy red face considered, bargained, and eventually gave in with the quietest ‘no’ he’d ever heard in his life. Her voice even cracked. Christmas, this girl was going to kill him someday, and it’d be an honour dying to something this funny. Sure, her hands were wobbly and she’d clearly never held a cigarette in her life, but who was he to stop her from making bad life choices?

“Good, neither do we.” He grinned, lighting them up before passing his lighter over to Meis. It was a damn good thing he’d kept it or else this might’ve been a little awkward. Being powerless again was a real pain in the ass. Though, draping an arm over Aina’s nearest shoulder, Gueira didn’t mind invading her space while he took a drag--snickering when Aina’s attempt to follow through ended as totally expected. Little Miss Goody Two-Shoes never smoked a day in her life. She coughed, bracing herself against the railing. Ow.

“You know, Galo would kill me if he saw,” Aina managed through embarrassed sputtering. Leave her alone, her training was to avoid breathing in smoke, not to welcome it. It was vile. A stupid, no-good distraction, but a distraction, nonetheless. All the while, Meis’ hand had long dropped to her waist, trapping her in this poor decision with one bad influence on either side. She didn’t mind, though.

“Yeah, Lio, too,” Meis agreed in an exhale, nudging her. “So, don’t tell boss. We were supposed to quit.”

Sometimes, though, rules were there to be broken. Much like the ones in Aina’s lease that forbade smoking on the property, but who was gonna stop them? Nobody that was awake, that’s who. Besides, Aina wasn’t crying anymore, right? Hell, he considered this a mission fucking accomplished, and she got brownie points for being cool about it. They weren’t close and this was probably just a band-aid for whatever brought her outside in the first place, but--maybe that was all she needed right now. He wasn’t sure.

Her friends would figure it out.

“It’s our secret,” Aina promised, wading through her guilt to give them a small, crooked smile. Neither of them saw, but she knew it was there. That’s what mattered.