#when i decided to forgive myself and let myself have the childhood i never got

[orbdog]

i dont really recommend making a snowman and taking pictures of it in the middle of a storm while youre sick, but look how cute they came out!

[cinnamondumbb]

ੈ✦ ⿻ 𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐇𝐈𝐌 𝐔𝐏 —𝐍𝐄𝐓𝐄𝐘𝐀𝐌 𝐒𝐔𝐋𝐋𝐘 : after a clash with the rda, you are left with a wounded neteyam to care for.

contents. a scenario? drabble? imagine? i really don't know what to call this lol comforting, bit of angst, fluff + gn! omaticaya reader

notes. my first ever piece on neteyam ! i had sm fun writing this ^^ i already have two more neteyam pieces on my drafts :) i hope you like it!

in which you try to not let your emotions affect your duties as a healer tending to neteyam's wounds .

or

where neteyam is terrified of the idea that he might have disappointed you after he makes a mistake .

being a healer — even if only in training — meant that serving your people would always come first, so it was crucial that you never let your emotions cloud your best judgement, and you took that assignment very seriously. however, you would be lying if you said that following reason was not getting more and more difficult, as your feelings for a certain member of your tribe only grew stronger.

you tried with all your might to keep yourself from crumbling as you watched toruk makto carry neteyam's body covered in blood and scratches into the omaticayan's hideout in the hallelujah mountains. which proved itself to be a task close to impossible. still, your spirit did not yield. you needed to remain calm and act rationally.

your duty to your people came first.

you rushed to the gathering in the entrance of the camp, promptly offering your services to mo'at. you wanted to help in any way you possibly could. alas, mo'at decided that she and the others could take care of the gravely wounded and entrusted neteyam's care to you, her apprentice and neteyam's close childhood friend.

that is how you found yourself alone with neteyam, sitting across from each other on the floor of your small tent, patching him up. this boy you knew your whole life, your best friend.

neteyam kept his head down as you gently rubbed a damp cloth on his recent injuries, his braids hiding his features completely so you could not read his expression. he was too afraid to meet your gaze. he feared you might despise him now, that maybe he had crossed a line and that it had cost any high regards you once held for him. he knew how deeply you valued your duties, and he had just gone against his, it did not matter the reason. he had brought dishonour upon himself. after all, it was his choice to put himself in danger and now you were the one who had to deal with it. resigned, he could only stare at the tapestries that adorned the floor and let you continue your work.

"i am sorry," said neteyam, much like a plead.

you did not answer, not out of spite, you just did not know what to say.

you had not spoken a word to neteyam since he got back from his mission— in which he was only supposed to participate as a lookout along with lo'ak. instead, he ended up going against his father's direct orders and taking part in the fight, nearly getting himself killed.

he grimaced at your touch, the medicine you were applying in his wounds stung more than he had anticipated, leaving a tingly sensation on his skin. yet, it did not hurt as much as when he finally lifted his gaze at you, taking in the look on your face.

it was only then that neteyam noticed the tears rolling down your cheeks.

"please, don't cry, i am so sorry," said neteyam, quickly standing on his knees to get closer to you. he was confused, why in the world were you crying? he expected you to be angry or disappointed in him, but this was a reaction he did not predict. neteyam tucked a few stray braids behind your ear then cupped you cheek. "i cannot stand to see you cry."

"what you did was so stupid!" you spat as neteyam wiped your tears away.

"i know, i am sorry. i disobeyed orders and have disgraced myself. i– i just hope you can forgive me."

"what?" neteyam took himself too seriously at times, it was something you frequently teased him about, but this was insane. "what are you talking about, neteyam?"

"that i failed to follow-through with my responsibilities–"

"i do not care for any of that, especially not when you could have been killed!"

neteyam's expression was one of sheer confusion.

"wait, does that mean you are not– disappointed in me?"

"oh neteyam." you took his face between your hands, resting your forehead against his. "i could never be disappointed in you."

you leaned away for the briefest of seconds only to place kiss on top of his brow, before he pulled you into his arms again, squeezing you tightly, as if he was afraid you would simply slip away if he loosened his grip.

"i see you." neteyam whispered softly, his breath brushed against your lips, sending chills through your whole body.

"i see you."

cinnamondumbb © 2023 — please do not copy/repost/translate my work without my permission. (♡) + rb! :p

[ravensmadreads]

The Mess of Us

A/N: i have no excuse honestly. I've imprinted on David York for reasons unfathomable to my own brain. This is my attempt at giving him a redemption arc? A softer backstory? My heart and soul? Who knows.

Warnings: uhhhh lots of angst (i mean i tried), almost entirely canon compliant, vague-ish attempt at smut, mild cursing, insane use of italics. (Also: english is not my first language and im faking being a writer but i think this came out okay??? Pls be kind he's my lil babie!!)

Summary: I gave david york my heart and then proceeded to bash it with a sledgehammer - forgive me :p this is the same universe as What Love Means

Taglist: @fuckyeahdindjarin cause i wouldn't be writing without you; @chronically-ghosted thank u to listening to me cry about Dave, and my writing, and myself - i owe u my life; @wannab-urs you absolute maniac i adore u; @timelordfreya u were so kind on the accompanying piece for this i hope you like this too <3

David York

You've known that name for a long time. Stayed with the man that inhabits it even longer. He goes by Dave now. Lives in a suburban home. Has two daughters. An "office job". A respectable man. A good man. A little misguided perhaps. A little bit more jaded than he used to be. More broken than you remember. The light in his eyes all but snuffed out. But a good man.

He was always a good man.

Even when he was no longer yours.

Even when he was no longer David.

****

David York and his sunshine. Neighbours. Best friends. Light of each others lives.

You're two halves of one whole in a way that makes no sense from the outside, but when you tread close enough you can pinpoint the exact strands that join your soul to his. The way his heart is an exact mirror to yours. The way your smile reflects the sun in his eyes and his warmth leaves you feeling more loved than any being in the entire universe. You'd stumbled across him, buried between the pages of a book twice the size of his head, and you thought: Oh God. It's you. It's going to be you. And you decided you'd never let him go.

Until he decided to leave.

He's so excited when he gets the call. When he makes his plans and packs his bags. When he tells you all about the good he's going to do, the hero he's going to become.

"I'll be back soon sunshine. You won't even know I'm gone."

You try to convince him to stay. With everything you've got in you. All your jokes, all your warmth, all your schemes. When that fails you give him your heart. Your tears. Explain that you can't live without him. That he can't expect you to live without him and not fall apart at the seams because he's the thread that holds you together. And when you see the anguish on his face at your confession, you revel a little because you think you've won. He's going to stay for you because of course he is. He's your David. He cups your cheeks in his hands. Lips meet your forehead as his words break your heart:

"I'm sorry sunshine. You know I have to go. I have to do this. You know."

So you wipe off your tears and you smile. Because that's what you're supposed to do for a friend and that's what you do for him. Give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Tell him to be safe.

"Don't get your butt kicked too much David. I need you back in one piece."

And that's the first time David York turns his back on your smile.

****

You wait for him. Like the inexplicable fool you are. Wander aimlessly in the streets around your childhood home like a spirit too tired to haunt anyone but itself. Waiting for him to come back and spark you alive again. Awakening for the few weeks of leave he has before reverting to your state of nothingness the minute the door closes behind him. Flitting like a ghost of yourself, nothing tethering you to this place, but still incapable of moving on without him.

Because he was David York. Your best friend.

Your good man. Your solid rock.

Until he wasn't.

Until he left.

****

You learn to make your way without him. Stumble, fall and scrape your knees more than once, without him by your side clucking and fussing like the mother hen he was. Without him to hold you up and bring you close:

"You’ve got to be careful honey. I can't be losing my sunshine."

You find a purpose and make your stand into the big bad world but all of it feels hollow without him by your side. You learn to stitch people up, bandage their wounds, hold bleeding skin in place and snap broken bones back together again. He laughs when he finds out, equal parts amused and proud.

"Looks like you became the anti-Dave sunshine."

And you smile for him, because of course you do. You don't tell him that everything you're learning, you're learning because of him. Because of the sheer wall of terror that's settled in your spine since the moment he walked away. Because of the David that comes to you in your dreams. The one that crumbles in front of you; broken and damaged and begging for help. The one you're trying so hard to save.

You may be his sunshine, but he was always your sun, and you'll protect him, even if he doesn't want you to.

****

The David that comes to you now is not yours. He's an off brand version of himself. A cheap copy. An imposter that calls himself Dave and smirks in a way that makes your skin crawl. He wears Davids skin but has none of his warmth. The sunshine in his smile is replaced by an ice cold sharpness and you hate that shivers it sends down your spine. His eyes have lost most of the humour they used to have, and when he hugs you he lets go a little too soon. A little too fractured, a little too cold. You hold on; assessing, caring, and wondering. Go to ask but he shakes his head; the look in his eyes silencing your questions before the words can form on your lips. The worry in your heart worsens.

When he walks you home you try again but he anticipates it. Like the predator he is now, he sees your strike coming, and retaliates in the one way he knows will force your silence. He kisses you. Hot and deep. Steals the air from your lungs and the words from your brain. Renders you shocked. When you open your eyes it's your David staring back again and your relieved smile has him pushing into you again. He kisses you until you're breathless. Again, and again, and again, until all your worries are dripping unvoiced at your feet and all your questions have been sucked into the air in his lungs.

You don't fall into each other as much as you attack. The culmination of years of circling each other and it all comes down to this. Mouths open, teeth clashing like you're trying to make your way into each others souls. His hands grab you so desperately, so fervently, that you wonder how he hasn't moulded you into his own chest yet. Your nails scratching at him like you're trying to carve a home in his bones. You’re trying to tear pieces of each other apart. Him, so he may take you with him and you, so you never have to watch him leave again. You devour every inch of him so reverently that the taste of him may remain embedded in your tongue forever. And he carves his way into you, soothing an emptiness that only ever craved him. Pounding in like he's trying to break you open and consume the light within. You cling to each other in the aftermath, breathless, sated and smiling, and you remember placing a kiss on his heart right before you drift off in his embrace.

You should've known, in retrospect, that that was as good as it was ever going to get.

He leaves you in an empty bed. Runs away before the dawn breaks like the consequences of what you both did are too ugly to be faced in the light of day. You turn the apartment upside down looking for one note, one glimpse, one hint of him that's not mottled on your skin and going to be torn away by the cruel hands of time.

You take the dismissal for what it is when you don't find one.

****

He comes back broken. Purple shadows under his eyes, a split lip and a wince that breaks you when you go to hug him. The storm breaks and you lunge. Too strung out to keep going like this any longer and too frazzled by thoughts of "what if it was worse" to think about the consequences of breaking your silence.

Your fists pound against the rock hard of his chest. The place that used to be your solace, your comfort, your home. Where you'd set your head too many times to count and where all your dreams ever went to rest. And they've turned it to stone, moulded him into a machine, changed him into something he's not.

"You're not a fucking hero David. You're not. And I'm asking you to stop trying to be one. I'm asking you to stop this self sacrificial bullshit and come back. Come home. You don't need to be a hero. You just need to be alive. I need you alive dammit! Why can't you see how much I need you?"

Your voice falters and cracks. It's out there now, the pieces of your heart; ugly, tattered and split open in front of him. Waiting for his judgement, for his grace. His face twists into a grimace, and you turn your head before he can see the tears fall. You don't need his apologies. His empty words and false promises of how nothing will ever happen to him, because it will, you know it will. So you hold up a hand before he can begin.

"It's okay. I get it. This is your life now, right? So will you forgive me then, if I can't stand around watching you try to kill yourself and wait for the day you inevitably succeed?"

Something in his eyes breaks at your words, and something in your heart does when he gathers you in his arms. The kiss on your temple feels like a goodbye. To your one solace, your one crutch and the only friend you ever had. And you know this goodbye will haunt you forever.

That's the one time you turn your back on David York.

****

He comes back with an extra sparkle in his eyes. Pleads and begs his way into your good graces and you indulge him because that's what you do for David. His smile has never been brighter. He may call you sunshine but he has always been your shining light, your beacon, the lighthouse you turn to.

But then he turns away. And in a split second, your world tilts on it's axis.

Carol.

Her name is Carol. Perfectly normal. Perfectly sweet. Perfectly perfect. He's got his hand in her hand and you don't understand. You can't. You refuse. Except.... David. He looks so happy. So content. Looks at her with all the devotion you've only ever given him, and all the love you wish he could've given you.

"What do think sunshine? I think she may be the one."

You smile. Because that's what you always do for David. You smile. It's an ugly thing. Fractured. Broken. He notices because of course he does. You've never been able to hide from him, ingrained as he is into your very soul. His smile falters and his eyes fill with sorrow and regret. Apologies for all he could never be and all the regret he has about it.

"You did good York. You'll be great together."

He flinches. He has only ever been David to you. He knows he has broken something irreparable. Opens his mouth to fix it. To swallow something back, say something else instead. Change the words, the letters, the combinations of decisions that led you both to this very moment. Something to keep you whole but the parts he shattered, however unwittingly, are already crumbling to dust in front of him. He closes his mouth. Swallows whatever lingered at the back of his throat. You smile at each other as you walk away. Him with her hand in his. You with the cloud of pain that comes from finally accepting the bitter truth for what it is.

He's not yours. Not anymore. Never will be again.

You never call him David again.

***

You miss him. Of course you do. Running from him was like running from a part of yourself; impossible, regretful and pointless. You were intwined into each other too thoroughly for there to ever be a clean cut through. You couldn't really walk away from him completely no matter what the distance on a map points out.

You know he'll call when he comes back again. He does. Shows up at the threshold of your sanity and the hardest thing you've ever done is ignore his voice when it calls to you. Voicemail, after voicemail, after voicemail. You listen to every single one but you can't call him back. His voice is your kryptonite. You'd walk back the distance if only you could but some tattered remnants of your self esteem hold you back. The last one comes with a letter in the mail. The glossy embellished card reminds you of the reason you walked away. The reason you could never go back. He pleads over static and tinny phone lines:

"Come on sunshine. I need you there. I'm sorry. I'm so s-. Please. I- "

Silence for a few minutes before the line cuts off. Typical of you both. To never say what you want and yet be assured the other knows exactly what you mean. He probably knows too. That you can't bear to see someone else's name next to his. The thought makes you nauseous; angry in a way that scares you, an evil coiling restless being inside of you, threatening to do as he asks. Go over there and scream in his face. The audactiy of this man to say he needs you when all you ever wanted was for him to pick you. Over the chip on his shoulder, the gun in his hand, the name on that card. Choose you. Love you. But you can't do any of that. You can't stand by his side and smile as he walks away with another either.

His only mercy is that he doesn't show up at your doorstep when you both know he could and you wouldn't be able to close the door in his face. Not him. Never him.

You throw the card away without opening it.

He forgives you.

But he never calls again.

***

Months turn to years and David York turns from a stabbing ache into a memory and then a ghost. He haunts you initially, at every turn, but slowly, over the years, the voice in your head softens down. He vanishes into the fog that lingers at the back of your mind and you stop looking over your shoulder for him to come back. You left him so suddenly, so abruptly, that you'd torn off pieces of yourself too. But time heals those wounds and you gradually learn to carry on as half of your bleeding heart slowly scabs and scars over.

You carve out a content little place for yourself, in a tiny corner of the world as you finally learn to love the reflection in your mirror. There's grey in your hair now. Wrinkles in your skin and hands hardened over from a life lived serving others. Saving who you can, when you can. A melody on your lips as you collect the parcels from your mailbox. Cocoa and bitter coffee long since mask the taste of his name on your breath.

There's a knock at your door and you flit to open it. Your smile, a pale imitation of what it used to be, plastered on, as you brace yourself to greet a well meaning neighbour or two. It falls quicker than lightning at the sight that greets you instead.

A man wavers at your doorstep. Unfamiliar in his familiarity. The ghost of a memory of a love never forgotten. Dripping crimson over the smiley face on your welcome mat. A haphazard bandage concealing half his face. One hand clearly broken. Arm bent at an angle too sharp to be natural. Angry streaks of purple and blue dancing around all visible patches of skin and he's trying to be nonchalant about the way he's favouring his right leg but failing miserably. Wheezing a breath that you know speaks of atleast one, if not several, broken ribs. And yet, despite all the damage and destruction and sheer agonizing pain he's no doubt in, the man smiles. Full and bright and warm.

"Hey sunshine."

And you reply.

A gasp. A plea. A promise.

David.

****

[silverynight]

Second chances

It's been a couple of weeks since Izuku ran into his childhood friend Bakugo Katsuki; he's a pro hero now and judging by the fact that he's the number one at the moment, it seems he's excellent at his job.

However, that's not the thing Izuku found more interesting about him; back when they both were kids, after they realized Izuku was never going to manifest any sort of quirk, Katsuki started acting strangely around Izuku. He didn't want Izuku to hang out with any other kid but him and when the little green bean said he wanted to make more friends, Katsuki got really angry and stopped talking to him at all.

Izuku felt bad about it and tried to patch things up, but Katsuki refused to listen to him; he became aggressive towards other kids and since they were afraid of him, no one approached Izuku again.

But now... after a little bit more than twenty years, they have chosen to start over again, they're friends now. It was Katsuki's idea, he ran into Izuku again the first time he walked into the coffee shop he's currently working at.

Before he could tell him anything, Katsuki apologized... It was a quiet morning, but there were still a couple of people around and the pro hero didn't care if they were watching the whole thing, he needed to apologize.

Izuku had decided to move on and forgive him a long time ago, but he told Katsuki he forgave him anyway because it seems he needed to heart it.

And now pro hero Dynamight goes to that small coffee shop every single day to see his friend.

Because they're friends now and Izuku is really happy about it.

"Nerd, get ready... We're watching All Might movies tonight, I'll make dinner!"

Usually, Izuku would get really excited about something like that, but right now he's a little bit distracted by all the scratches he can see on Katsuki's face and arms.

"Long day at work, I presume..." Izuku comments, trying to sound casual, not wanting to look too worried because there are customers around. The place has become quite popular lately, but he suspects it's because most of them want to see the pro hero in person.

"It's really nothing... Stop pouting, nerd!" Katsuki says, almost rolling his eyes at his friend.

"Why didn't you go to the paramedics, Kacchan?"

"Tch!" He huffs, crossing his arms over his broad chest. "It'd be a waste of time!"

"Nothing related to health and safety is a waste of time," Izuku argues, narrowing his eyes. "Please go back so they can patch you up... I'll have to close the shop today anyway..."

"It's really nothing, Izuku."

"Kacchan–"

"I wanted to see you!" The pro hero blurts out, blushing. He seems really flustered. "I didn't want to waste any more time doing that; I was desperate to see you, besides, this is nothing to worry about..."

Izuku feels his cheeks turning red, but he refuses to look away from Katsuki.

"Sit there, I'll bring you coffee and you'll let me patch you up."

"Izuku, I'm–"

"Kacchan," the green haired barista scolds him, putting both hands over his own hips. He looks adorable, even though he's trying his best to be intimidating.

"Fine!"

***

They usually watch movies at Katsuki's place; not only his apartment is better than Izuku's, it's in a nice part of the city. The pro hero doesn't like Izuku's place at all, mostly because he says the neighborhood he lives in is dangerous.

"You should move in with me," he blurts out as he sits on the couch next to Izuku with two bowls of noddles in his hands; he hands one of them to his friend.

"I can take care of myself, Kacchan," Izuku assures him and he realizes right before chuckling that his friend is the one pouting now.

"Move in with me anyway," the pro hero insists as his cheeks turn slightly pink. "I know you can protect yourself and you have so far, but... I want to be with you."

"You mean like your roommate?"

"Well... Yeah, in a way, but actually..."

"That doesn't sound bad," Izuku beams. Katsuki is his friend and he's the number one hero so of course he'd like the idea of being his roommate. "I'll pay you rent."

"You don't have to," Katsuki mumbles; he's clearly a little bit flustered and yet he gets even closer to Izuku.

"Then I won't–"

"Alright, you can pay me rent, nerd."

"Great!"

***

Katsuki looks happier than before, he's constantly talking about the things he's changing in the apartment before Izuku moves in; he's a very good friend, Izuku is so glad they patched things up after a long time.

He'll be paying as much as he did for his old apartment, which Izuku knows it'll be like robbing the pro hero, but Katsuki refuses to let him pay more.

Sometimes Katsuki talks about the other pro heroes who work for the same agency as he works at and it usually gets Izuku all excited because he's a hero fanboy after all.

"I'd love to meet your friends! I hope you can bring them here someday!" Izuku beams, eyes glimmering with enthusiasm as he makes a macchiato for the woman who just walked into the shop.

"Tch! Fine!"

The very next day, Izuku meets Pinky, Red Riot and Chargebolt; he can't quite believe it.

"Finally!" Pro hero Pinky says, grinning from ear to ear. "I thought I'd never meet the man who has Blasty wrapped around his little finger!"

"SHUT UP, PINKY!" Katsuki growls, but turns as red as Izuku in seconds.

It seems his friends have a wrong impression of their relationship.

"That's not the case at all," he says, feeling flustered. "We're friends! I don't have anyone–"

"You are truly adorable!" Pinky squeaks, cutting him off, before leaning over the counter to pinch his cheek.

"OI, HANDS OFF!"

"I'm Kirishima Eijiro," Red Riot introduces himself, before Katsuki has the opportunity to growl at Pinky again. It seems he's used to these kind of situations. "It's a pleasure!"

"Midoriya Izuku!"

"This is Kaminari Denki and the other pro hero is Ashido Mina."

"You're too pretty for our gremlin," Kaminari comments then, right before Katsuki hits him on the back of the head. "Ouch!"

Izuku can tell Katsuki doesn't actually hurt him, no matter how much he glares at him. It's more than obvious that he actually considers them his friends.

"So who's your favorite hero, cutie?" Ashido asks with a smirk on her face; for some reason she always looks like she has a mischievous plan in mind.

"All Might!" He answers without hesitation, prompting Katsuki to pout.

"Bro, it's alright!" Kirishima pats his friend's back gently. "I'm sure you're the second! Right, Midoriya?"

"Of course!" He answers immediately, growing nervous. He's not sure, but it looks like those three are planning something.

Katsuki seems happier after that, although it looks like he expected Izuku to say he was the favorite.

"What about the third?"

Izuku turns bright red under Ashido's mischievous glance.

"Just... Wait a minute I have to serve the tables..." He's never been happier to have customers in the shop.

"Don't think I have forgotten, cutie. Tell us who's the third..."

There's a very good reason he gets flustered by that question, however, he also doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

"Hey, Midoriya," Kirishima says sincerely. "It's okay if it's not any of us."

"Oh, okay..."

"So?" Now even Kaminari seems intrigued. Katsuki is already narrowing his eyes.

"It's pro hero Shoto."

"He's our friend too! I can bring him here so you can meet him!"

Izuku looks away from Ashido, feeling his face like it's on fire.

"I don't think it's a good–I mean It'd be awkward... I'll make it awkward because I used to have a crush on him and I'll be too nervous around him..." Izuku mumbles, scratching his left cheek nervously.

"He's going to kill him," Kaminari whispers, although it's loud enough for Izuku to hear.

"What?" He's confused, especially when he notices that Katsuki is grimacing like he's in pain.

"I'll bring Todoroki tomorrow."

"NO, YOU WON'T, PINKY!"

"Relax, Blasty... He doesn't have a crush on him anymore. Right, Midoriya?"

"Yeah, it was just a small crush anyway... Nothing serious," Izuku stammers, feeling watched. Why is that so important? He shouldn't have said anything.

***

Even as they're watching a movie, Izuku feels like something is different. Katsuki is strangely quiet and Izuku can feel him staring at him instead of watching the movie.

"What is it, Kacchan?"

The pro hero scoots closer, Izuku's cheeks turn slightly pink and he knows it's the worst possible moment to remember that, but his mind kindly reminds him he also used to have a crush on Katsuki. But it's okay now because they're friends...

"Screw it!"

"Wha–cchan!" Izuku squeaks as soon as Katsuki grabs him by the waist and sits him on his lap.

"Would you go on a date with me, nerd?"

For a second, Izuku thinks he's joking, but he knows Katsuki doesn't joke about things like that... He looks up, meeting red eyes as he feels Katsuki's hand cradling his face.

"I'd l-love to," he whispers and loves the way Katsuki smirks with triumph, but also relief.

He kisses Izuku without a second thought; the kiss is sweet, but turns into something more desperate that makes Izuku realize something...

"Wait," he pushes the pro hero away, trying not to chuckle when the blond pouts. "Is this why you wanted me to move in with you?"

At the question, Katsuki turns almost as red as his beautiful eyes.

"Yes... I wanted to tell you then that I'd be happy to start a formal relationship with you, Izuku... Because I'm in love with you."

Feeling a little bit overwhelmed, Izuku buries his face in the curve of Katsuki's neck; he listens to the pro hero chuckle.

"If you're not sure, we can just–"

"No, it's okay," Izuku cuts him off, looking up at him with a hopeful grin on his face. "I'm ready. Just promise me if it doesn't work it won't ruin our friendship."

"I promise, nerd," Katsuki whispers next to his ear, before kissing his cheek. "But let me tell you a secret... I know this is going to work."

There's no doubt in his eyes and Izuku's heart starts beating faster inside his chest, suddenly, he's also sure it'll be fine.

"Do you want to know another secret?"

"Tell me," Izuku mumbles, noticing that the pro hero looks more confident now. He likes that.

"I'm going to marry you."

"You can't know that!" Izuku giggles as Katsuki gives him a couple of kisses.

"I'm sure of it."

Izuku believes him because deep inside himself he knows it's going to happen.

"Now let me kiss you again, nerd..."

***

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[stardustshelb]

"Orange Juice" Part One

TW: Language. Your name (female) + Danny. 3,157 words.

The song "Orange Juice" by Noah Kahan inspired me to write this story; each part of the story is inspired by a different part of the song. Also, I'm in my sad girl era so you all must suffer with me.

“Feels like I've been ready for you to come home for so long.

That I didn't think to ask you where you'd gone.

Why'd you go?” - NK

I should have known when my dad texted me to check my email that there’d be something interesting waiting for me in my inbox. The organizers of my high school reunion had no idea how to get in touch with me, so they went through him. Part of me wished he would have just deleted the email and never said anything. How has it already been 10 years since I graduated? I swear it was only yesterday that Sam and I were daydreaming about record deals and tours while sitting in class. My parents were never too hard on me about school because I still made time for both my studies and my band. But I think they always knew that I was never going to need to know chemistry or calculus because I was going to have a career in music. Though, none of us would have ever dreamed I’d be where I am today.

Josh and Jake skipped out on their high school reunion a couple years ago, and Sam was planning to do the same for ours. It would probably cause more trouble than it’s worth if we showed up. Truth be told, I wasn’t dying to go but I was curious to know if you’d be there. We haven’t spoken since I left Frankenmuth. Hell, we stopped talking while I was still there. I’ve heard stories about you from my mom. “The girl who got away is in rehab again,” she’d say casually over the phone. Something about the way she’d say again angered me, but I knew she meant well. 

Judging by the date on the invitation, I still had a few months to decide whether I was going to attend or not. Maybe I could find out if you were planning on going while I’m home later this week for Christmas. I wondered if you’d even be around town or if you’d even want to see me. Our friendship didn’t end on the best of terms and that still bothered me nearly a decade later. I wonder if you’ve ever forgiven me for that night. It took a while for me to forgive myself.

…

“Let me help,” Dad said as he grabbed my guitar case out of the back of the SUV I rented for the week. I tried to pack light for the quick trip but between my suitcase, guitar, and the presents I bought for my family, I ended up checking more luggage than I expected. I could smell Mom’s cooking from the driveway, and I had to swallow the lump of nostalgia that formed in my throat. I rolled my suitcases up the walkway and before Dad could even turn the knob, Josie ran through the front door and practically tackled me. 

“Easy, easy,” I said as I tried to keep from falling backward on top of my luggage.

“I’m so happy you’re home!” she squealed as she let go of our hug. She grabbed the larger suitcase from my hand and followed our dad inside. Christmas music was lightly playing throughout the house which told me that Mom was in charge of the stereo. I was home for Christmas but I didn’t quite feel like I was home. I almost felt like a stranger walking through the house I was raised in. Maybe I was tired from traveling, maybe I just wasn’t in the Christmas spirit this year, or maybe thoughts of you crept in as soon as the plane’s wheels touched down in Michigan.

“Daniel, did you hear me?” my mom’s voice broke into my thoughts.

“I’m sorry, what?” I asked.

“Do you want to put your things away and then come to the kitchen to help me finish dinner?” she repeated.

“Sure, yes, be right there,” I said as I dragged my belongings to my childhood bedroom. When I walked through the door, I was glad to see nothing had been moved. Mom and Dad were always sentimental; therefore, I come by it naturally. I glanced around the room and tried to balance the surreal feeling of being back home. It was just as I left it the last time I visited. Unmade bed and all. “It’s not going to make itself,” I could hear my dad say like he did my entire life. I never understood the point in making a bed if I was just going to sleep in it every night anyways. I moved closer to the disheveled comforter and lifted the mattress. I pushed my hand between the mattress and the box springs searching for my secret stash of notes you had written me many lifetimes ago. Worn and faded folded notes brushed against my fingertips and I gently pulled them out. 

“Daniel?” I heard my mom call from the kitchen. Suddenly, I opened the top drawer to my nightstand and threw the notes inside. I would have to read them at another time. I got up and made my way into the kitchen where Mom was mixing something on the stove.

“Hey, Mom,” I said as I leaned in to kiss her on the cheek.

“Hello, hun,” she said as she placed her hand against the side of my face. The unfamiliar feeling I had earlier was slowly going away. “I wanted to talk to you,” she said, turning away from me and back to her cooking. 

“What about?” I said as I began slicing the carrots she laid out on the cutting board.

“I saw y/n the other day. And… we spoke,” she said, still keeping her back to me. I remained focused on my task of cutting the carrots.

“About?” I asked.

“You mostly,” she said. I winced.

“What about me?” I asked.

“She looks great,” my mom answered, obviously avoiding my question.

“What about me?” I repeated.

“Your music, your success, you coming home for Christmas,” she said as her tone changed.

“Did she seem interested in any of that information?” I asked.

“I think so, but then again, she could have been playing nice,” Mom said as she came over to take the knife that I was just holding. I realized I had stopped cutting the carrots since I was fixated on this conversation. You were back in town and you knew I was here too. 

“I can do it,” I said as I held the knife firmly. Mom patted my shoulder and walked back to the stove.

“I think she’s staying sober this time,” my mom added.

“I hope so,” I said quietly. 

…

“Not one nick on your finger, you just asked me to hold you.

But it made you a stranger and filled you with anger.” - NK

I’ve spent two days at home, yet I still feel like an outsider. I don’t think anyone has noticed because I am able to wear a figurative mask well. That ability comes in handy for shows and interviews when I’m feeling sick or tired. I offered to help my mom finish her grocery shopping for Christmas dinner, so I put on my baseball hat backwards and grabbed my keys. She texted me a list of things she still needed which I was grateful for. She even included pictures of the items as if I were an idiot, but in her defense, I haven’t shopped for my own groceries in years. Our staff knows what I like and it just appears in our green rooms. Maybe this trip home will humble me a bit. 

I decided to drive a little further outside of Frankenmuth to go to a less crowded grocery store. I don’t normally draw much attention when I’m alone in public, but I didn’t want to take the risk. I wasn’t feeling like myself and I didn’t want to project negative feelings on my fans. I pulled into the parking spot furthest away from the entrance and reviewed the list on my phone as I walked through the automatic doors. I grabbed a basket and made my way toward the spices/seasonings aisle. I scanned the shelves looking for Mom’s specific brand of garlic powder. When I spotted it, I threw one container in my basket and turned to make my way down the rest of the aisle. As I began to walk, I noticed an employee abruptly turned the opposite direction and left. Strange. I continued my quest of finding my mom’s requirements with my basket getting heavier by the minute. 

When I had finally acquired everything she needed, I made my way to the front of the store to check out. With it being only two days until Christmas, the store was crowded despite it being in such a small town. There looked to be only two cashiers working, so I stood in line behind what I thought would be the quickest one. Of course, I chose wrong. I tried to hide my impatience by scrolling on my phone when I heard your name.

“Y/n, come to register three, please. Y/n, come to register three,” was announced over the intercom. 

Suddenly, the employee who eluded me earlier now made her appearance. It was you. Avoiding my gaze (and probably open mouth), you snuck behind an empty cash register. I hesitated on whether to go to your line or not. It was obvious you tried to avoid me at all costs, but I felt a pull to see you. Talk to you. Listen to your voice. Against my better judgment, I made my way to join your line. As I got closer to needing to check out, I could see your cheeks getting more red. I held my breath in anticipation until it was my turn.

“Did you find everything ok?” you asked without looking up from the groceries you were scanning out of my basket.

“I did, yes,” I muttered. You stopped scanning and stared down at the bag of brown sugar in your hands for a brief moment until you carried on with your task. I watched you continue to take my groceries and scan them without ever looking to meet my eyes. You were flustered; I could tell. I tried not to stare but I was almost in disbelief that you were right in front of me. Even though it has been a decade, you haven’t aged. Your face has changed but you still look like you always did to me.

“Your total is $98.44. Will you be using cash or credit today?” you asked again without looking at me. You were trying so hard to focus on the screen in front of you.

“Uh, cash,” I said as I reached for my wallet in my jean pocket. Suddenly, I couldn’t find it. I reached into the other pocket and still couldn’t find it. I began to panic. Did I lose my damn wallet in this store? Was it stolen? Then I realized, I never grabbed it off the nightstand when I grabbed my keys before I left. 

“Shit,” I said as I hung my head. “I don’t have my wallet. Do you know if your system takes ApplePay? I have my card on my phone,” I explained.

“No, we don’t. Our technology isn’t updated, but don’t worry about it,” you said as you bent down to get into your purse beneath the register.

“No, I can’t have you pay for this. I’ll just come back with my wallet if you can set it to the side,” I pleaded.

I watched you grab the card reader and stick your own credit card in the chip reader. I was bewildered.

“Y/n,” I spoke so quietly I wasn’t sure if you heard me.

“Merry Christmas,” you said as you handed me the receipt. And for the first time, you met my eyes. They had a sadness to them that I couldn’t quite place. A sadness that matched mine. 

“What time do you get off? I am going to come back to pay you back,” I said.

“Have a great day, sir,” you answered, avoiding my question. I watched you direct your attention to the customer behind me. “Ahem,” he said as a sign for me to move.

I grabbed my bags of groceries and made my way to the rental SUV. I needed to get home quickly to grab my wallet and make it back to pay you. But I knew I didn’t need to go over the speed limit since I was now illegally driving without my license. I fought the urge to speed but remained as level-headed as I could be. 

 …

After putting the refrigerated bags of groceries away, I quickly ran up stairs to grab my wallet. I checked to make sure I had enough cash to pay you back and then some. I shoved it in my back pocket and raced down the hallway.

“Whoa, where are you going in such a hurry?” Josie asked as I tried to avoid running into her.

“I have to go back to the store. I forgot something,” I said in practically one breath.

“Why do I feel like you’re lying to me?” she asked as her brows furrowed.

“I’m not. I just need to get back there,” I explained.

“I can come with you,” she offered.

“Sure, yeah, that’s fine,” I said. I didn’t really want company but maybe you’d be more apt to talk to me if my sister was there. You two always got along so well. Sometimes I wondered if you were more her best friend rather than mine.

“So what did you forget?” Josie asked as she climbed into the passenger seat.

“My wallet,” I said.

“So how did you make it home with all of the groceries?” she asked.

“The cashier paid for my stuff, so now I’m on my way to pay her back,” I said. I left out the detail that you were the cashier. 

“Well that was awfully nice of her,” Josie said with a suspicious tone in her voice.

I pulled into the parking lot and nearly forgot to turn off the ignition before jumping out of the car. I ran through the automatic doors and made my way to your line. As if you could sense I was watching you, you kept your gaze locked on your task again. 

“Thanks for waiting on me,” I heard Josie sarcastically say as she came up beside me. 

“Sorry,” I said. 

“Wait,” she said. I looked down to see her staring at you. “Oh, ok, now I get it.”

“I’m just paying her back,” I said.

“I’m going to go look at… that display over there,” Josie said as she turned on her heel.

“Josie…” I said.

“I won’t be far,” she said as she began to walk away. When it came my turn, you kept your eyes locked on the screen in front of you. I stood there waiting for you to acknowledge me for what felt like eternity.

“Aren’t you going to ask me if I found everything ok?” I asked.

“Don’t mock me,” you said with a sense of anger in your voice.

“I wasn’t!” I exclaimed. Suddenly I felt my cheeks getting warm. “I would never.” You continued not to look at me, but I could see what I thought may have been tears forming in your eyes. My heart swelled.

“I came to pay you back,” I said as I held out two $100 bills. You glanced at the money in my hand.

“That’s significantly more than what your total was,” you said.

“I know. Just consider the rest a thank-you gift,” I said.

“I’m not a damn charity case,” you said with a bite in your voice.

“Y/n, I don’t think that. I just wanted to–” I began.

You interrupted, “If I take the money, will you leave?” 

“If that’s what you want, then yes. I will leave,” I said solemnly. Suddenly, you reached out and quickly grabbed the money from my hand. I felt my heart break as I noticed you were fighting back tears.

“Thank you,” you said quietly.

“I know I’m the last person you want to see, but–” I started.

“You are,” you interrupted.

“But if you could find the time, I’d really like the chance to visit with you,” I finished.

“You told me you would leave if I took the money,” you said looking past me and at the line forming behind me. 

“Good bye, y/n,” I said sullenly before turning to walk away. And all of the guilt and pain that I thought I left behind when I abandoned this town suddenly came rushing back.

 …

I sat on the edge of my childhood bed and stared at my feet on the floor for what felt like eternity. I had the urge to read our notes that I hid in my nightstand, but seeing you today might be all that I can take. You are still angry with me, and I figured you always will be. I don’t know why I expected that anger to go away after 10 years. Maybe it’s because it did for me. I felt the need to talk to you even more now than I did before. I opened the drawer to my nightstand and started to sift through our notes. There were dozens of faded, folded notes. I gently unwrapped the one where you drew a middle finger on the front of. I smiled as I read through the lines of teenage angst. Oh how our problems back then seemed to be so much more important. I remember you were mad at me because I let Sam ride shotgun in my car even though you claimed it before school that morning. I told you to take it up with Sam, but clearly you thought I should have been on your side. You didn’t talk to me until lunch that day when you handed me this note and told me you hoped I choked on my breadstick. Then you laughed hysterically when I immediately grabbed the breadstick off my plate and choked myself with it. Doing something stupid like that was all it took to make you smile and forgive me. I made sure Sam stayed in the backseat the rest of the school year.

I opened another note and scanned it until I found my holy grail: Your phone number. This was one of the first notes you ever wrote me. I wondered if you still had the same number all of these years later. I know mine has changed several times, but my circumstances were different. I decided to take a leap and dialed the ten digits written in a glittery blue gel pen. I held my breath as I heard it ring.

"Hello?" I heard your voice answer.

[lutawolf]

Hi luta

I'm not really sure how to do this as I'm new to basically everything, including Tumbler. But I want I had a few questions. So I was recently introduced into this community and I'm sure where I fit. I have always been super independent even at a young age and took care of others I'm 20 almost 21. Im still a college student and working full time as a nurse so life is stressful. My friend just recently interduced me to this community so forgive me if I'm doing this completely wrong. She told me that I seem to have little tendencies and I'm not sure where she is getting this or how to know what she means I've tried looking this up but I never feel I drop to another headspace or age. I'm not even sure I would consider myself a submissive. I've always cared for others and told others what to do as I was the oldest and it was my responsibility to care for my younger siblings at that time then I became a nurse so I'm still doing the same really. I am extremely independent I have high boundaries and people can lose my respect easily I don't trust easy I don't like being spoiled cause that takes time from others. I know once I'm close to people I act differently I prefer them make small decisions as I make them everyday sme life changing ones for other people it gets tiring but I still make my own decisions also. I know I can seem childish but thats always brought me comfort small things like blankets and stuffed animals watching cartoons I did as a little kid but I always thought that was normal comfort items to want when stressed. So I'm not sure what really im asking or if you really can help me or even if you talk about littles or little tendencies also sorry for the long post. Bye-bye

Hey marshmellowbunny,

I'm gonna be honest and say that I don't like how your friend went about this. It feels more like someone leading a horse to a trough to drink because they have a rider that needs a horse. Just because there is a hole doesn't mean everything should go in it, nor does everything fit.

The fact that you don't know the basics or basic safety is concerning. And for all I know, this is exactly how your friend was introduced and maybe doesn't know any better either. So let me give some perspective and then answer your questions to the best of my ability.

Why am I bothered by how you were introduced to the community? You don't know what a submissive is. A submissive is not a doormat and should absolutely have boundaries that will be respected. A Dom that doesn't respect boundaries is a shitty Dom. Being submissive doesn't mean that a Dom shouldn't earn your respect or that you should just trust any Dom. That's a good way to ending up face down in a ditch somewhere. I would never disregard my sub's boundaries. Boundaries and guidelines are there for a reason. If they clash with my needs, then I simply look for a different submissive who I better fit with.

I don't know how familiar you are with me, but I'm 100% Dom and my husband is only submissive within our relationship. Outside of our relationship, he's a Dom. Think Porsche from Kinnporsche. Do you know how many stuffed animals I got on my bed because of that man!?!? Which I thought was ridiculous until he pointed out my blanket that I will fight the kids over. I've also caught him on more than one occasion watching his nostalgic childhood cartoons. And that man is so far from a little it's not even funny. I don't want to decide what to eat on any given day, but I'm still Dom. So our status within the community isn't based on a few tendencies we might have but on our personalities and needs as a whole.

First, take a test. Don't look up anything, just take the test.

This test is not perfect, but it will give you a starting place. It will also help you to start thinking about your wants. Then start educating yourself. The same website that I gave you to take a test has blogs and educational resources.

And keep in mind that you can be intrigued by the kink community, enjoy watching or reading about it. Without being a part of it. There is no rush to the finish line with the community. Twenty to Twenty-one is still very young for a scene kinkster, so take your time. You don't read one book and jump right into nursing, right? You don't take one dance class and jump into a dance competition?

Hopefully I wasn't too blunt that I scared you off from asking any more questions and I truly hope I was helpful. Wishing you the best. 💜💜💜

[kisilinramblings]

Was wondering why a lot of people said Adrien almost has no agency and having codependent relationship with Marinette in this season and your reply to that anon enlighten me greatly. So, thank you!

Tbh I myself thought this will be the season for Adrien to finally step up his game. I mean, the whole s4 is about Marinette role transition from being a holder to guardian so it just make senses (for me) that this season would be about Adrien. And in a way, it does, but not in the way I like it.

It's good that he decided to focus to be a good boyfriend for Marinette as it will be a good lesson for a young kid, but the fact that's the only thing he could focused on his life at the moment is disturbing. All because he's NOT allowed to know more things because no one tell him anything and thus limited his own agency.

Where's his reaction when Ladybug didn't show up? Why he never ask what actually happened in s4? He forgive her without even knowing what he forgive her for and it's not good. Why Felix doesn't even said anything about Gabriel? Why Nathalie doesn't?

If what people said about the fairy tale Nath and Marc created in s4 foreshadowing a plot where Marinette as Adrien sole savior is true, I would definitely hate it if Marinette become the one who solve the Agreste mess without Adrien knowing that there's a problem in the first place. That just not the ending I want for Adrien.

You're welcome but please, let us all keep in mind though that while the narrative focus on Adrien and Marinette romantic relationship, the biggest obstacle to Adrien's freedom (and agenda) is Gabriel himself.

It is Gabriel who forbids Adrien to do things. It is Gabriel who is imposing his will and agenda (the contract with Tomoe) on Adrien. It is Gabriel who gives this illusion of choice to Adrien.

Like we got some cases this season of Adrien asking his father for permission and have Gabriel replies "But of course you can, you are free" while sounding hypocrite about it. And Adrien isn't asking just out of politeness. He is asking because he feels obligated to wait for his father's decision for everything.

It is not mere coincidence we get this after Adrien asked to not be a model anymore at the beginning of this season.

Adrien asks for some autonomy? Gabriel allows it only when it doesn't go against Gabriel's interests. Been there since S1 of course, but more focus gets put now that Gabriel pretends to be more present in Adrien's life.

Also, remember what was Adrien's buried childhood dream back in Wishmaker? To become whatever his parents wanted him to be. Now, we have an Adrien who is going against his father's wishes (unless Amok's magic is at play whether we like it or not).

Yes, Adrien could have a bit more independant scenes, but for S5, it doesn't bother me as much as some because I do see a growth in his character. Though I do wish for one more episode or two centered on Ladynoir's relationship. We know they are in good terms and Ladybug (finally) accepting Chat Noir's helping hand at the end of Strike Back despite having lost everything and entrusting Chat Noir with the Rabbit Miraculous (a very powerful and dangerous Miraculous mind you) did a lot in mending the gap that was created between. But yes, I too would have liked to have a bit more continuity with a few more episodes focused on the hero personas and there is 6-7 episodes to go so maybe? Still, I understand that the narrative focus for now is with what is going on in the civilian side.

You asked : "Where's his reaction when Ladybug didn't show up?"

And I'm sorry, I am not sure of understanding to what you are referring too. Do you mean during the Kwami's choice? I can't say for sure but I know that after Hack-San, Adrien trusts Scarabella. That she replaces LB when LB cannot be there to protect Paris. And in the interview at the beginning of Deflagration, for security measure, no detail was given and Adrien understands that too. But it also shown us that Adrien without Plagg, without being Chat Noir, without his friends (basically without his connections) is in a depressive state alone at home. It was even illustrated before Plagg left (aka that one shot during Jubilation showing Adrien's room being a mess). So, there is something lingering in his character, but it is also very in character for him to put it in a drawer and not look back at it... until it blows that is.

Why Felix doesn't even said anything about Gabriel? Why Nathalie doesn't?

Can't say for Félix, but it looks like he is one to take actions for supposedly another's sake, without waiting for them to ask nor consulting with said character first.

But out of the two, I so wish Nathalie would be the one to reveal some truths to Adrien. Especially since she has the other half of the Graham de Vanily ring. And during the episode Félix, she is the one who pushes Gabriel to tell the truth to Adrien. We however don't know which truth she was refering to. But like she also said back then : the longer someone waits, the harder it gets to reveal the truth.

If it is about Adrien being a sentihuman, there is the possibility she is respecting a wish made from Émilie, especially if there is a fear of othering here.

As for letting Adrien knows that his father is Monarch, it may be yet again a way to protect him, to preserve his innocence in this. Especially since Gabriel is doomed anyway. I think she considers it is for the best.

In both cases, it seems Nathalie is taking the "ignorance is bliss" route.

About the Fairy Tale analogy, yes, the imagery is there, but I'm going to use a direct quote from Protection here.

Marc : [Y]ou two just turn off your brain, follow the comic book, kiss each other and that's it! End of the show. Everything is magically sorted out. Nathaniel : Hence the name Magic Kiss. Marinette : I'm not so sure. What are you basing that on? Marc : Just about every fairy tale, shoujo manga and Hollywood romantic comedy ever. Adrien : Oh? And it works in real life too? Who knew?

And what happens in the very next scene? No kiss, just Marinette and Adrien being miserable. The opposite of the friends' (read audience's) expectations of how it would turn out to be.

Meaning the show is self aware here. Yes, the writers are using imagery, analogies, metaphors and codes/tropes of the romantic comedy genre. But they will do it with their own twist.

For example, on top of the princess tropes in fairy tales, they are using the good old narrative of a [young royal / noble] wanting to be with the person their heart choose rather than the person imposed to them. With the main villain calling himself Monarch. And they are paralleling somehow Émilie and "Gabi" loves story when they were young themselves. So there is a goal. There is this window of the heroes could potentially become like the villain.

Anyway, the story focusing its second half of S5 on Marinette and Adrien's romantic relationship is their way of tying the civilian and the hero's arc as one. At least, that is how I perceive it. It's Maribug and Adrichat vs Gabonarch.

I understand the fear of Maribug being the Knight in Shiny Armor Savior. At the same time, it is ironically what Argos tried to do during Emotion with the result we have seen. Argos did litteraly remove Adrien from the narrative, in order to do his coup meant to "save them" before making Adrien coming back and we have seen the results. Adrien was legitimately upset at his cousin.

Hopefully, Adrichat will have his own mission during the finale. At least, if Gabonarch isn't unabling / using him in the first place.

[aita-blorbos]

Aita for lying to my girlfriend about my well-being?

This happened about a bit more than half a year ago. I (at the time 17M) and my childhood friend, Angel (Fake name, 17F) decided to go on a "date" of sorts in an amusement park nearby. We weren't dating back then.

We've been always inseparable until this... incident.

Our hangout went as great as it can be with me nearby. A murder happened in one of the rides, but other than that, we had a great time.

When we were leaving, though... I saw something shady occurring nearby (she didn't notice), which peaked my interest. I ran in that direction, and I asked her to go on without me.

I decided to eavesdrop, and these three shady men were making an illegal trading deal. Even though I've seen crime upclose before, I got an bad omen, so I left in order to contact the police.

Unfortunately they noticed, and beat me in the head. They even tried poison as a way of silencing me, but thankfully it didn't work (Not as well as they expected, at the very least) and I survived. When I was able to walk, I decided to flee.

This is where the real problem starts. These guys didn't look like mere criminals, so I disappeared from the public. I've kept myself hidden even from my closest friends- because I'm afraid they will hunt me and my friends/family if they find out I'm still alive.

To make it worse, my fears were confirmed after I met a certain person involved with them- which revealed to me these guys are part of a huge Organized Crime sect.

Because of my disappearance, people started to suspect I died (I am quite famous, afterall). Angel got very depressed- and I couldn't stand seeing her like this. I started using public and burner phones to talk with her and let Angel know I am still alive. This eased her nerves a bit, but not completely. I can't tell her the true nature of this- that my life is in danger, because then she would want to help me. And I don't want her to suffer.

She keeps asking me why am I taking so long, why I don't tell her anything and why I she can't help me through this. And I have to keep lying. And I hate it.

I've managed to meet up with her a few times (which is how we started dating), but my health has not been the same after I was forced to take that poison. I'm never allowed to spend too much time with her- which ends up hurting her even more.

I feel terrible at the fact that I'm lying about... everything. To my own girlfriend! She doesn't know danger I'm in, why I can't see her anymore, why do I always look sickly, why this case is taking so long and about my "health". Sometimes I wonder if I really should tell her, but if something bad happened, I would never forgive myself.

[aroace-poly-show]

Ha llegado el tiempo más esperada del país! La hora de la miseria en la cueva del homosexual :D

I feel overly annoying and confident so I decided to make you an analysis on why Eight by Sleeping at Last would make a beautiful hw song. I always imagined it a good Nene com, but since it doesn't quite match the music box event, maybe it'll serve you as inspiration for another one? Also Google isn't showing me the lyrics so I'm going to write them myself with extra emotionality✨, sorry about that.

Putting the lines colour coded for the characters and blue if I have no idea.

I remember the minute

it was like a switch was flipped

I was just a kid

Nene upon realising she forgot her words, completely alone in a hall full of people staring at her.

Who grew up strong enough to pick this armor on

And suddenly it fit

A LOT OF THINGS. Could be Tsukasa giving into his role of a people pleaser to make Saki and everyone around him happier at his expense, could be Emu giving up her "childish" behaviour after the Wonder Stage was closed off, could be Rui accepting that he is a monster and coming to live as a loner.

And god that was so long ago, long ago, long ago...

Nene and Rui. Do I even need to clarify?

I was weak and perfectly naive

And I grew up too quick

All of them honestly. What happened with Hollow Wonderland and having to give up their childhood to soon?

Now you won't see all that I have to lose

And all I've lost in the fight to protect it

Emukasa, constantly giving up, constantly fighting, yet so completely lost in the dark.

I won't let you in, I swore never again

I can't afford, no, I refuse to be rejected

Ruinene but actually all of them more or less, especially the fear of rejection part.

I want to break these bones 'til they're better

I want to break them right and feel alive

Ruikasa coded, to me. Rui who needs to be fixed just like the robots he fixes. Tsukasa who'd run his blood dry if it meant Saki could go out of the hospital.

You were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong

My healing needed more than time

EMU. EMU WHO NEVER GOT TIME TO GRIEVE HER GRANDPA, EMU WHO NEVER HAD ENOUGH TIME TO HEAL OVER THE WONDER STAGE AND NOW SHE DOES BUT IT'S STILL SO SO LONELY AND WEIRD FOR HER TO EXPRESS EMOTIONS.

When I see fragile things, helpless things, broken things

I see the familiar

Something about Nene writing songs that capture the feelings of all those who were never let themselves cry. Something about Emu recognising Mafuyu's smile as something horrid because she's seen it before. Something about Tsukasa's lyrics always sounding like bedtime lullabies that he never got to hear. Something about Rui seeing the loneliness both of them hoard, a dim light in their eyes too familiar to forget.

I was little, I was weak, I was perfect, too

Now I'm a broken mirror

Could be anyone honestly this fits too well.

But I can't let you see all that I have to lose

All I've lost in the fight to protect it

I can't let you in, I swore never again

I can't afford to let myself be blindsided

All of them once again but can I just say HOW MUCH THE ATMOSPHERE CHANGES FROM THE FIRST ONE?? THEY'RE BEGINNING TO BE VULNERABLE YET THEY STILL RECOIL AT THE TOUCH, THEY DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE YET THEY FEAR PRESENCE MORE THAN ANYTHING. IS THIS ANYTHING. DOES ANYONE HEAR ME?

I'm standing guard, I'm falling apart

And all I want is to trust you

COULD BE RUI BUT COULD ALSO BE EMUNENE. JUST IMAGINE A VERY SAD EMU IN SMILE OF A DREAMER, CLOSE TO CRYING AS SHE HIDES AWAY, AND NENE COMING IN TO CARE FOR HER. IMAGINE THE TRUST. IMAGINE IT'S FAULTS.

Show me how to lay my sword down

For long enough to let you through

TSUKASA WITH THE SWORD OF THE KNIGHT PROTECTING THOSE HE LOVES AT HIS OWN EXPENSE. RUI WITH THE SWORD HE WAS GIVING A BIRTH — HE WAS BORN A WEAPON AND A MONSTER. ONCE AGAIN: TRUST. THE KIND OF "PLEASE SHOOT ME AND HOLD ME IN YOUR ARMS AS I DIE BECAUSE I CAN'T SAVE MYSELF AND I WON'T FORGIVE MYSELF IF I HURT YOU" TRUST. THE RUIKASA TRUST.

Here I am, pry me open

What do you want to know?

I'm just a kid

RUIEMU RUIEMU I CAN'T EXPLAIN BUT JUST— TWO KIDS WHO'S CHILDHOOD WAS RIPPED AWAY FOR BEING OSTRACIZED FOR SOMETHING THAT WASN'T THEIR FAULT.

Who grew up scared enough

To hold the door shut

And bury my innocence

NENEKASA. I know Tsukasa doesn't have anxiety nor anything close to it, but holding the door shut could be a way to show him staying at home while his parents spend their time with his dying sister. Alone in his room. Scared of monsters under his bed no one else will ever get to see because no one has walked into the house in more time he can measure.

But here's a map, here's a shovel

Here's my Achilles' heel

SOBBING HEAD IN HANDS STOMPING ON THE FLOOR BLOOD AND GUTS ALL OVER THE PLACE AS I SMASH MY SKULL INTO LITTLE PIECES THEY MAKE ME SO ILL

I'm all in, palms out

I'm at your mercy now and I'm ready to begin

The found family. The found FAMILY DUDE I CAN'T

I am strong, I am strong, I am strong enough

To let you IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN

They have healed thanks to each other and now they're ready to take on the world.

I'LL SHAKE THE GROUND WITH AAAALL MY MIGHT

AND I WILL PULL MY WHOLE HEART UP TO THE SURFACE

NENE. NENE.

For the innocent, for the vulnerable

And I'll show up on the front lines with a purpose.

For the innocent goes to Emu for having to bury her own self in the backyard with tears in her eyes and mud under her nails. The vulnerable goes to Rui because he never got to be vulnerable with anyone but the one's he Rui-ned (never making that pun again). Because he was a born monster and monster don't have any feelings, so what's the point? And the "front lines with a purpose" part goes to Tsukasa because... Wow he finally found why he likes theatre so much, didn't he?

And I'll give all I have:

I'll give my BLOOD, I'll give my SWEAT

AND AN OCEAN OF TEARS WILL SPILL FOR WHAT IS BROKEN

ALL OF THEM SINGING IT TOGETHER PLEASE. THEY HAVE SACRIFICED SO MUCH AND GOT SO LITTLE, NOW THEY'RE WILLING TO TRY AGAIN AND SACRIFICE THEMSELVES FOR EACH OTHER.

I'm shattered porcelain

Glued back together again

INVINCIBLE like we've never been

What's that thing about filling your cracks with gold? What's that thing about fireflies shining in the dark of night? Yeah that thing.

ksdhjffd HI HELLO WELCOME. THIS IS SO FUCKING GOOD rotating this in my brain oh my god. i have some little notes on some lines that also mean a lot to me for other characters btw

“But I can't let you see all that I have to lose/ All I've lost in the fight to protect it “

^ this one feels also ruicore. as in protecting nene. nene is all he really has left to lose. yk.

“I'm standing guard, I'm falling apart/And all I want is to trust you/Show me how to lay my sword down/For long enough to let you through”

^ tsukasa fucking tenma who needs to be taught vulnerability is A Thing he’s allowed to do

“And I'll show up on the front lines with a purpose.” <- i have nothing to add for this one it’s so tsukasa but i just need to let you know how much i LOVE THIS LINE. also your rui-ned pun was awful i hope you do it again /silly

anyway. ourdfghfsggfdhjjksagjhfgfdfhdf oh this is good. this is very very good. this is so rumdfjhgsjms,admfghafngfsd. i need to be put down thank you for sending this de tu cueva homosexual /silly

[throwawaytumble]

I don't know you and I know this is a "throwaway" blog but I just want to let you know that you are NTA for correcting your niblings, but also what I think you really need to hear is you are also NTA for pursuing college. You are in no way shape or form obligated to perform unpaid (child!) labor, ever. You are not at fault for your parents or your brother having financial issues. I just really need you to understand that.

Honestly I am a little floored by the responses the AITA post is getting. I didn't expect so many people to vote NTA, and having read some of the comments and tags I am in the process of deciding how to move forward. I won't lie, I was hoping for NTA or NAH (as I believe most people do), but thought IF I got NTA it would be a much lower percentage. Despite my hopes I genuinely thought it was going to be either JAH or ESH. I have felt a tremendous amount of guilt about my parents and brother losing the farm and going bankrupt for my entire adult life. While I went NC per their request, I had suspected they'd lose the farm due to them being very honest about how much they needed me to step up, so when I gathered the courage to search the farm in Google in my early thirties and found out that someone else had taken over, I was actually devastated. Although I hated farm work, that was my childhood home. When my brother contacted me to tell me both parents had died, and I found out they'd had to movd into an RV park for the rest of their lives, and that my brother wasn't doing well financially, while I have never had to struggle, and am actually doing very well for myself, honestly I don't even know what to say. I'm a bit overwhelmed right now but thank you for saying this. I have a lot of shame about the farm incident and was overjoyed that he wanted to be in my life and wanted to work on forgiving me. I have been crying for most of today because I genuinely did not expect this and genuinely have felt immense guilt about the farm situation. I can count on one hand how many people I've told about the farm situation, my boyfriend being one of them. He supported me and said I did nothing wrong, but he's my boyfriend and that's what he is supposed to say. I apologize for the rambling; as mentioned, I'm emotionally overwhelmed right now. I have a lot to consider.

[lmanburg-letter-service]

I've just been sitting here for a while, thinking about all of them, but really, I only want to write a letter to one. May want to tag for neg towards Dream (plus general neg, I think?). Could you also use introject tags if you post this? (Completely understand if you won't post it. Lots of neg from what my brain can process).

Exile, Prison incident, violence mentions(?), and Wilbur's revival are all mentioned in case you need a tw for those.

To Dream,

Royally fuck yourself bitch. And if you can't, get Goggy to help you.

I still can't believe you. After everything I've been through, and you had the audacity to make it worse.

Who fucking decided you got to play God? You further shattered my already broken view of my brother. You brought him back. I didn't get why and I guess I still don't but that was really fucking disgusting of you.

Was Wilbur meant to be my distraction? Did you really think I'd fall right back into whatever "duck brain" I had and that I'd keep following him? Or did you do it to make me feel like I owed you for bringing him back because you knew how much I missed him? Or was it maybe the fact you thought you knew how he'd react? How he'd fall into a pretty prince role and worship you as his saving grace?

I love that you were wrong. I don't regret anything I did after, either. I don't regret bringing you to ruin. Maybe I'm a little sorry I destroyed it all with Tubbo, if not only for the builds and few fond memories I had left.

There's so much shit I have on you, and I don't know if I can let go. Not because I want to, but because I haven't entirely really thought about it all. As of late, I've just been stuck here suffering with the repercussions of exile fresh on my mind.

I'm hungry, but I can't eat, no matter how safe I am. I'm under a really bad weather watch right now that just reminds me of the horrid weather from Logstedshire when it wasn't beautiful. But let's be honest, when was it ever beautiful? Constantly gloomy and cloudy. You chose that spot beforehand, hadn't you? And when you gave me that trident you knew, I would long for more beyond those clouds.

I have a feeling you wanted me to become Icarus.

And in a strange way I had. I can't stand the way you treated me, almost driving myself to do something I didn't think I would ever want to do. You wanted control over a literal fucking child.

You're pathetic, yknow that? I used to think that maybe, just maybe, something might've gone wrong in your childhood to make you such a wrongun. But based on a conversation I had with Puffy after one of my last sessions with her, I just can't place it. I don't think I want to, I don't want to know what happened or what went through your head.

Maybe it was as simple as the idea of power going to your head.

I'll never understand why you went to the lengths of war. Why you wanted the discs so bad or why you wanted to control me. I'll never understand why you tried to fucking kill my best friend to command me. I don't want to forgive you for it, any of it, especially when you didn't ever ask for forgiveness. Even when you killed me in the prison to "prove a point".

I'm so fucking angry at you.

But I forgive you.

I forgive you not because you need it or some stupid shit like that. But I forgive you because I can't keep holding on to this, it's hurting me more than it is helping me.

I'm done now, though. Please don't contact me, let me be happy. I don't want to know how sorry you either are or aren't. It's already too late for all that, and I'm done with it all.

I'd like to keep this freedom I'm finally holding. For once, it feels so nice, like I'm living for myself rather than somebody else.. if there's one selfish thing I can ask for from you, it's to let me finally have that.

Goodbye Dream, I really fucking hope you realized what you did was wrong.

- From ; Tommy/Icarus

[Letter Sent!]

[ilovekykyandcristiano7]

Nick from culpa mia x you ANGST

Another day, another fight.

Nick had promised me that he would never fight again, after I had to clean his wounds for him. I had nothing to worry about. As long as a loved one wasn’t getting hurt, I’d be alright. That’s just part of my trauma from my childhood, but let’s not think about that. Jenna dragged me through the crowd to get a good sight.

“Jenna, I don’t know how to feel about this..”

“Y/n baby you’ve got nothing to worry about. They’re only fighting each other!” She said, gently nudging me on the shoulder.

“You’re right.. wait where’s Nick?” I asked, when I heard the speakers say his name.

“And here comes the son of a billionaire.. NIIIIICK”

“Oh no, this can’t be happening.” I said to myself.

“He’ll be fine. It’s nick we’re talking about. He has been fighting since childhood to blow off steam. He’s quite skilled actually.” Jenna said, watching Nick and his opponent enter.

.

We were more than half ways through the fight when I decided to leave. I couldn’t do it anymore. I hated seeing others in pain. I walked out to get some fresh air when a guy came up to me and started talking to me. I couldn’t quite catch what he said.

“Huh?” I said, raising my eyebrows.

“So you’ve got attitude too.. I mean with a body like that..” he said, using his hands to slide them down my sides and stopping right on my hips. “I’d just take off my clothes already. I’d love to see those tits baby.” He said as he breathed in my neck. I snatched his big hands from my hips after that nasty remark and tried to back off, only for him to come even closer and reposition them on my hips with firmer grip.

“Can you leave me alone, I don’t want to!” I yelped trying to get out of his grasp when a guy from behind completely lunged at him. He started beating him up to a pulp when he turned around and I met the eyes of Nick.

“What the fuck were you doing with him? He’s my biggest enemy. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you poor little bitch.” He snarled at me.

“I wasn’t doing anything with him. But he wanted to do things with m-”

“Sure, that’s why you let him touch you like a fucking hoe. You let him put his hands on you. You’re the first person I’ve ever gotten jealous over.-“ he said, grabbing my arms so we were inches apart. “-do you know how I feel??” He says, his grip getting tighter and tighter.

“Nick, I tried to make him let go of me, please it’s not my fault.” I said, my eyes watering. Why wasn’t he believing me? My words didn’t help in any way as his grip hardened even more.

“Nick, you’re hurting me..” I said looking down, when he finally let go aggressively.

“See, this is why I fight. To blow off steam because idiots like you have to make my life miserable.” He practically yelled. I flinched at his sudden yelling.

“I’m scared..” I mumbled. Tears were rolling down my cheeks. This whole situation was reminding me of my childhood.

“Of what?” He said, completely dumbfounded.

“Of you.” I said, before running to Jenna to get out of there. She welcomed me with a big and warm hug before we sat in the car and drove to my house. I explained the whole situation to her, when she said she had a friend who had installed cameras all over the place where the fight was held since there was a shooting last time and the police demanded cameras immediately. So there was a chance the whole situation would be caught on camera.

“If I show this footage to Nick, do you think he’ll forgive me?” I asked, hopelessly.

“I can see in the footage that the guy was all over you. Nick had no right to say the shit he said. I’m sorry, love, but it’s not you who needs to be forgiven. You’re the one who deserves an apology.” And it hit me when Jenna said those words. I made sure to not even acknowledge him again. Even though we lived in the same house.

.

.

.

I was relaxing in my bed when my phone started calling.

“Hello?”

“Hello, love, it’s Jenna. I told Nick everything and showed him the footage three days ago and he’s been missing ever since. Has he been in your house?” She said, her voice shaking.

“What!” I almost yelled. I hadn’t been paying attention as to if he was there or not as I had been ignoring him.

“I haven’t seen him, no, this house is practically a mansion but I can tell he’s not in here. Is he okay?” I asked, worried.

“Jenna do you think it’s about the footage?”

“Well, he’s gone missing only once before. And that was to kill an enemy which he never did because they ended up bonding over video games.”

I chuckled at what Jenna was saying.

“So what do you think he’s up to?” I said, looking out of the window. There was only silence after that.

“Hello, Jenna? Are you there?”

“Y/n…” Jenna breathed into the microphone of her phone.

“Uh, yes? You’re scaring me.” I said hesitantly.

“I just checked the news from a couple of hours ago and it says that a guy in his thirties was found brutally tortured and ran over by a car multiple times. He is now in a coma at the hospital and he looks exactly like the guy who was touching you in the footage.”

I was in complete shock.

“Jenna this isn’t funny.” I said when someone knocked on the door.

“Come in” I said, hanging up.

“Y/n” a familiar voice said. His deep voice was enough to send shivers down my spine.

He sat down on the bed next to me but I moved to the side.

“Y/n please” he said, placing a hand on my thigh when I quickly removed it and faced him.

“Please, Nick, don’t do this to me again. Just tell me what you want to say and leave.”

He sighed.

“I’m really sorry I didn’t believe you. I’m really, really sorry for the names I called you. I’ve dealt with that guy now, you don’t have to worry about him touching you ever again.” He said sincerely, however I was trembling because of him. I’ve seen how angry he can get, how he fights people, and the news just added onto it.

“Y/n are you okay?” He said, grabbing my hands to calm me down. I was shaking like crazy when my eyes started to tear up.

“Nick, I don’t think we can ever be a thing.”

“Don’t say that, princesa”

“Even if our parents weren’t fucking married, I could never be with you.” I said, a big lump in my throat.

«princesa, I know I messed up, please, just forgive me” he begged.

“How can I spend a lifetime with someone I’m afraid of?” I asked, gently removing my hands from his. The tears were gushing out now, I wasn’t even trying to hide them. He looked shocked, and somewhat, disappointed in himself.

He reached up to dry my tears and I flinched at him. That sort of messed with his head because he put his hands to his side and never raised them after that.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I’m so fucking sorry. I sometimes wish I didn’t bring this much pain onto everyone that came in my life.” He said, before getting up to leave my bedroom.

When he left, I grabbed my pillow and shoved my head in it to muffle up my crying. I didn’t want anyone to hear. It was all so painful and I couldn’t take it. I loved him. I really did. His beautiful smile. His laugh. His personality. I’d never cry because of him. But now I was. Now I was even scared of him. I wish you’d understand, Nick.

I really do.

[kipaparappa]

For that I don't think I will be able to become a mother someday

I have always been lonely since the time I can't even remember. Sometimes loneliness came in how cold my body felt, weird tingling, jolt, even smell that I used to hate as a child. I barely ever experience the surge of that emotion like I did as an adult but loneliness turns into something that I live with, like a background, like air.

The first time I was ever introduced by dr Penny this conception of "inner child" was truly overwhelming. As a child, I used to have thousands of questions. As I see danish growing up, I could see my reflection in him on how I used to behave as a child. difference is now people are warmed up, more loving, we got a lot more resources. Not that I want to acclaim that my childhood was filled with money constraint but I was met with a lot of emotional turmoil that never had any chance to find their resolutions.

I was highly intelligent as a child. Even I acknowledge my own emotional maturity since early age. The only difference is that now I learnt on how to shut up and let go. people often labeled me as emotional and dramatic, but truly all I ever wanted was closure. My family, mom to be precise, did a lot of questionable things. And I am that type of bastard who desperately needed to make sense over every little things. I hate that part about me, on how desperately I feel the needs of connecting every dots. I don't know what was the exact reason, probably because I have been very good at composing words that are meant to kill, but argue is something my mom would kill to avoid. I don't know if it's because she her feelings of love was fluctuating as it was truly exhausting to bear and raise a child, but there are times when I felt severely unloved. I have had an independent desire since I was young, but the only times I ever wanted to feel the love, she neglected me.

I have faced with a lot of life-threatening conditions throughout my early years, it was truly difficult for me to survive, but these emotional absence will never be comparable with all those illness. Because I carry the scars till the day I lay upon my eternal rest. And it's going to haunt me till then. Whenever I try to make a scene over something, it truly was for a reason. It's so strange how things I experienced since I was really really small still left an open wound to a soon-to-be-30 me. The most painful ones are in my school years. There are a lot that I still clearly remember. When I was sad she would called me out for hitting puberty, or put me in a new school, expressed her discontent towards anything I was passionate about. When I was about to graduate highschool, there was not any single day that went by where I didn't shed any single tears. I screamed "mama" out loud in my room, hit myself, wailed until I passed out, but no one ever come knocking my door. Not even my mind was able to project her face, the warmth of her hands, or any words that would possibly calm me down. Those days were the days I killed her in my memory and decided to become the mother of my own to ease myself from the pain that she caused.

The most agonizing part of them all was the letting go part. The part that I have to accept things the way they are. The fact that I have to stop deluding myself with hope that someday things might change for the better. The fact that I have to close the door and walk away form everything. And in this case, the closest thing that should've kept your heart warm, family. I killed everyone, everyone is dead in my heart. I am a cold-blooded murder. I only survive for the status, for the sanity. But God knows how much I want to dis attach myself from everything. How much I want to start over, and find my family of things. Maybe by then I can look back and start forgiving myself. By the time I can find people who would accept me the way I am, who could love me the way my family was never able to. I know it's more than impossible, chances are tremendously low, but I just want to become my own person. I want to mother myself, pamper myself, warm myself with thousands of love, thousands of words, thousands of every little things that I was not able to receive.

I don't have any confidence of becoming a mother for that. Kids crying alone was able to trigger my trauma. Because I used to cry like them too for different reason. And I can't. Not even a mother, I don't even have desire to get married or love anymore. I have become a living robot who's counting down to the day when I finally can put everything to an end. Earlier today one of my past co-worker was announced dead. How much I wish it was me instead.. How much I want to put all these exhaustion to its final rest...

[3xandgrateful]

Thank you, Clemmie.

She survived domestic violence, started to recreate her life with only the clothes on her back never mind the few, fresh bruises on her face. She saved herself. She saved me, too

I met her in 2018. Tanned skin, small, round-eyed beauty. She’s a woman to behold. She’s also a newly promoted Team Leader at work. 

She speaks with a bit of British accent, worked for a UK account she said. Til now, I can’t get over with the way she says the word ‘branch’.

I was so young when I joined her team. She has been with the company for 13 years. Having been a hopper most of my working life, I asked her what made her stay that long. I couldn't imagine sticking around that long back then. 

“I like it here. Also, it helped me turn my life around.” 

I looked at her, urging her to go on. Young and inexperienced as I was, maybe I could learn something from her. 

Learned I did, and more. 

She married young. They were childhood sweethearts. Their families were friends. It started great. The guy’s family was even active in the Church. Little did she know how violent he can be, or that he could ever take it out on her. 

She stayed with him for a while more. But when the threats got frequent, and the bruises kept coming, she decided she’d had enough. 

“I was already employed here. I came home from work and there he was. Hurt me enough to go running out the door, without a thought of going back. All I had were the clothes on my back.” 

“I called my Boss at work. She let me stay with her until I can fend for myself. I never went back with him, no matter how much his family asked me to. I told my in-laws, I’ve suffered enough. They should be grateful I never told anyone we know about the situation, or about his son. I never pressed charges.” 

What that leader did for her, she did for me. 

I’m not a victim of domestic violence. I can well do that to me all by myself. You won’t see any bruises though. It’s all psychological. I suffer from anxiety. And I’ve been so unkind to myself for so long that it’s become so debilitating. The pandemic made it worse. 

Cooped in the house, not being able to meet my support system outside for such a long time, feeling frightened as I’m one of those labeled ‘vulnerable’ to the disease because of my respiratory condition, I spiraled into hopelessness. Racing thoughts, sleepless days, unable to get out of bed... What’s the point of living if it’s going to be as pathetic as this?

I didn’t report to work for a very long while. Like two consecutive weeks. This part of the world, you don’t report to work in two days, you’re a goner. 

But this lady would check in on me, listen to me, give me the time of day, just so I can spout as much excuses as possible. She’ll repeat one of my friends’ advices: “You don’t deserve the punishment you’ve been giving yourself.” 

“Forgive yourself for whatever you thought was your fault. It’s time to be kind to yourself now.”

She let me have several days off. She let me share with her my plans, asking me questions so I can gain clarity. She made sure I have that safe place to think. She did all she could so I can stay on with the company. Because to quit the job is to commit suicide in those trying times. Companies were laying people off left and right. And nobody knows when we’ll be able to recover.

I requested to change my work schedule to a time when I think the world is a bit quieter, but also when I can actually see the sun; a shift at work where I don’t have to talk with people who are actually going outside. She made that happen, talked to the higher ups and pledged my case. 

And I thrived. Best in class then promoted to a new role in a very short time. She helped me made that happen. And for that I’ll always be grateful for her - her understanding, her compassion, her unfailing trust on me and my ability to turn things around for myself. She saw something in me, and she chose not to give me up. She chose to help me, made me see what else is out there. That I can still shine. 

I call her my hero. I told her, she is my savior. Her name’s Clemmie. 

She’s still fighting her own battles though. One of them is not being able to get divorce. She found the new love of her life, but they can never get married.

Clemmie, thank you so much. You’re my hero.

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

Accidentally made myself sad again lol (just some thoughts about my childhood and stuff)

I'm not sure if it's because I'm turning 20 this year or not but like??? I'm suddenly realizing that my dad really took a lot of my childhood from me in a way.

I grew up afraid of him ever since I was old enough to remember. Literally one of the biggest memories of him I have is when he came into my room because he hated me and was mad at my mom for some reason and threw my bookcase across the room, breaking my vhs tapes in it.

Speaking of which yeah my dad hated me growing up because I'm autistic. He would call me the r slur every chance he got and just in general was very ableist towards me. He still is ableist towards me but in a completely different way (he talks to me like I'm a toddler and talks about how stupid he thinks I am to people behind my back)

But yeah because of him we never had any money. Most of what I had growing up was from my grandparents, who had to help raise me and my sister because my dad sure wasn't going to do it lol

I had to listen to him scream and yell at my mom every single day. Even hiding in my room didn't help most of the time, so I usually just watched a movie to try and tune them out. When he broke my vhs tapes, he ruined one of my only forms of comfort I had at the time, which was really upsetting and still makes me mad to this day

The only real good memories I have from this time is the time I spent with my mom. She's the only one who was ever there for me and didn't make me feel like shit, and I'm so thankful for her

However, for some reason when dealing with traumatic memories, my brain decides to just completely erase random memories of whatever period of time the traumatic thing happened, so I don't remember much of 2006-some of 2008. The main things I remember are about my dad (why couldn't my brain erase the trauma part </3)

Thinking about this has also made me realize why I was the way I was as a child. I was autistic and traumatized and had no idea how to express that other than acting the way I did.

One more thing I will never forgive my dad for is how he spent all of our money that was supposed to be for rent and made us have to live in a hotel. We were almost homeless at the time, but thankfully my grandparents let us live with them.

My dad (thankfully) moved back to Texas after that, and we didn't have to deal with him as often. He did try to break into our house at one point, but he didn't succeed and got arrested for a little while.

I'm not even sure why I started thinking about this so much all of a sudden. I don't even know if my dad is still alive. All I know is he traumatized me, ruined half of my childhood and made me have to grow up in fear

[aries-writes-shit]

The short end of the stick (Sbi x reader)

paring: c!sbi x reader

prompt/request: n/a

a/n: This is an angst fic. my request are open

you were never that close with your family, they always forgot events of yours or would just straight up ignore you. you would brush it off, beliving that your father Phil and your brothers were too busy. As you all grew up, the cold shoulder towards you only began to get worse.

you sat in your plain bedroom, quietly humming to the music you had playing from your jukebox while you wrote things in a tattered notebook. you heard the front door, then the laughter of your family as they walked off again. you let out a small sigh, you knew they had forgotten about you yet again. you bookmarked the page you were on in the notebook and exited into the living room. You padded into the kitchen, where a single peice of paper with your fathers handwriting sat. you picked up the note and began to read.

me and the boys are heading into the village to get some dinner, we'll be back in a few hours

-Dad

you let a huff of air out as you set he note back down, they didn't forget you this time, they willingly left you behind. you stormed back into your room, hoping to calm yourself down by taking a short nap or reading something. When you got into your room and flopped down onto your bed, a brilliant idea formed into your head. You were going to leave, you were old enough to survive on your own anyways, and your family probably wouldn't give two shits anyways. you began to gather up the few belongings you had into your leather backpack. When you had finished packing, you began to write your "goodbye" note to your family.

when you had finished writing on the sugar cane paper, you placed you note beside your fathers note before gathering a few bread and a few carrots. Without a second glance, you left your childhood home behind and set off in the opposite direction your family had gone earlier.

It had been a few years without any contact from your family and you were very happy with who you had become. you lived a happy, successful life so far in a place far away from your childhood home. Now residing in the dream smp, you began to blossom into a wonderful person who was willing to just sit and listen to whoever came to your door. That was until a blonde boy and a man with brown hair came to your door in the dead of night.

You had been awoken by a loud set of knocks at your front door. You had been assuming it was sapnap or bad again. When you opened the front door with a groggy expresion, it was not any of your friends, it was two of your three brothers. "why are you here" you growled. the two looked very shocked at the fact that you stood infront of them, a few years older and very angry. "i'll repeat myself again" you started "what are you doing here?". the two looked you over, you were taller for sure, your once stark white wings had a more dusty grey tint to them, and your (H/C) hair was now (shorter/longer). "(y/n) , is that really you?" wilbur asked, dumbfounded. "yes it is, now answer my damm question". The two looked at eachother, tommy was unnaturally quiet, but wilbur let out a short sigh and began to explain why they were there at that hour.

"you want me to join you in your new country" you asked dumbfounded. you couldn't belive that after going this long without any sort of contact whatsoever, your brothers had the audacity to ask you for help. "Sorta" wilbur mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck as the two boys shifted on their feet. "no" you replied flatly, glaring at the two "why should i help you when you never did anything to help me?" your arms now folded across your body, your face tightening into a scowl. "it was so long ago (y/n), why are you holding a stupid grudge against your family" tommy snapped, shouting at you. all those years ago, you would have flinched away, but you had changed, you were no longer afraid of them. you picked up your sword dream gave you and slung it over your shoulder "get away from my home, your not welcome here" your voice was filled with a hostility the two never saw from you " if i see you two anywhere near my home, i wont hesitate to use force" you threatened. the two left as soon as soon as you closed the door, you stayed up a little while later to make sure they had left.

it was almost a full moth of peace since your brothers had decided to visit, you currently sat kneeled in your garden, weeding your plants when a winged shadow loomed over you, and next to that shadow was a very familiar piglins shadow.

"why are you here" you snapped, standing up and facing your father and your brother. "we just wanted to see you (y/n)" philza explained, holding his hands up in a defensive manner. " i dont care if you wanted to see me" you stated, raising you voice at the two intruders "you lost that right a long time ago" you shouted. "Calm down, your over reacting" techno huffed, crossing his arms as he made eyecontact with you, your (e/c) eyes begining to gloss over. "No, im not going to calm down, i tried to be curteous to you all when i lived with you, but you took advantage of my pushoverness for your own fucking gain" your voice was now a waivering shout. the two men infront of you took a step forward, causing you to step backwards. "dont" you growled, your grey wings pressing against your back tightly "You lost your chance with me when you decided i was no longer good enough for you". You straightened yourself up, hot tears had begun to roll down you face and it made you feel weak. "i was so envious of you all" you muttered, facing away from the two " i wanted something like that with someone, anyone, but i almost never left that clearing" your voice was a soft whimper now, The tears continued to cascade down your face" and now that i finally have my own life and cut my attachment from you, you show up again expecting forgiveness" you turned just your head to look at them,your eyes already puffy from crying " leave now" you said, your voice dangerously low " this is your only warning"