#when in doubt write your way thru ur thoughts

[whinlatter]

Harry’s thoughts of Ginny in the Forest: a meta

‘Nothing too big, because you wouldn't be able to take it with you... I wanted you to have something to remember me by.' - DH, p. 99 (UK edition)

Here I am, on a rainy Thursday, doing re-reads for some writing and thinking about the parallels between Harry and Ginny's kiss on his birthday, and Harry’s thoughts of Ginny as he goes to his death. 

I’m thinking differently about Ginny’s motivations for the kiss these days. I used to think about her words to Harry that morning, and the act of kissing him, as a promise she’ll wait for when he comes back. Lately, I’m wondering if it’s not something sadder, and more profound. I think what Ginny does on Harry’s seventeenth is the act of a person who is starting to process the fact that the person she loves is likely going to his death — that he might not be coming back. It's a scene of a person bracing for grief and thinking about love after death, and it will set the stage for how Harry meets his own death in the Forest.

So here’s a much-too-long meta to help me think through these ideas - about the kiss, Ginny’s suspicions about Harry’s fate, and what it means that Harry returns to the memory of Ginny at the end of his life. (Stick the kettle on for this one and if you worked this all out long ago before me, just give me an eye roll and forgive me).

I’ve always taken Ginny's words to Harry before their kiss at face value. I thought of it not quite as a fun scene - it’s certainly sad - but sweet, a little sexy, and sort of reckless, even a bit mischievous on Ginny’s part.

It’s the birthday of the boy Ginny loves. They’re not together anymore. She knows he's going away. She wants to give him a birthday present, but she doesn't want to give him something he has to haul around or might lose. She does want to let him know that, despite their separation, her feelings are still the same. She craves a moment with him before he goes. She is still in love with him, she is deeply attracted to him, and part of her still feels a bit possessive. Although she’s not really concerned Harry’s going to crack on with some Veela, she does want him to have a memento of their time together. She wants him to have a happy memory, of physical intimacy and emotional comfort, to keep him going while he's away, to feel less alone.

Most of all, I used to think of the kiss (and whatever Ginny imagined might come after the kiss) as a promise. I still love you. Even though we’re not together and I respect why you have to go, I’m still all in on this. I’ll wait for you for when you come back. I want you to have the memory of this, as proof.

Harry’s reveal

But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I think about the context of when this kiss happens, after Harry and Ginny's last conversation before his birthday. It's the one a few days before, when Harry and Ginny are laying the table for dinner, and Harry lets slip to Ginny what he, Ron and Hermione will be doing when they leave:

'‘And then what does she think’s going to happen?’ Harry muttered. ‘Someone else might kill off Voldemort while she’s holding us here making vol-au-vents?’ He had spoken without thinking, and saw Ginny’s face whiten.‘So it’s true?’ she said. ‘That’s what you’re trying to do? ‘I - not - I was joking,’ said Harry evasively. (DH, 78-9, UK edition)

This is a desperately sad scene, but it’s also an important moment. Harry, so used to having his guard down with Ginny, realises he’s accidentally confessed something big: that he’s going on the run to try and kill Voldemort himself, with Ron and Hermione’s help. 

Ginny is shaken by this. As a character, she tends to either take things in her stride, or yells first, processes later. But this catches her off guard. Her words suggest there has been speculation about what it is the three of them are going off to do (‘So it’s true?’ suggests that Ginny, and perhaps other members of her family or the Order, have been speculating about this for some time). But both she and Harry realise here that he’s flippantly confirmed something huge that Ginny did not already know for sure. He’s spoken aloud the task is that Dumbledore has left him. 

It is a sign of how close Harry feels to Ginny, how safe he feels in her company, and how difficult he finds managing keeping secrets from her, that he lets this slip. He won’t come as close to telling the truth to anyone else, even people he trusts. The scene before this, in his conversation with Mrs Weasley, he didn’t let on nearly as much (though he admits that he found affirming the importance of secrecy difficult when he looked at Mrs Weasley and saw Ginny’s eyes staring back at him):

‘Well, Dumbledore left me . . . stuff to do,’ mumbled Harry. ‘Ron and Hermione know about it, and they want to come too.’ ‘What sort of ‘stuff’?’  ‘I’m sorry, I can’t—’  ‘Well, frankly I think Arthur and I have a right to know, and I’m sure Mr. and Mrs. Granger would agree!’ said Mrs. Weasley. Harry had been afraid of the “concerned parent” attack. He forced himself to look directly into her eyes, noticing as he did that they were precisely the same shade of brown as Ginny’s. This did not help… ‘Dumbledore didn’t want anyone else to know, Mrs. Weasley (…)  I didn’t misunderstand,’ said Harry flatly. ‘It’s got to be me.’ (DH, 77-8)

Later, he’ll also refuse to give any information to Lupin, for the same reason. 

'‘Can you confide in me what the mission is?’  Harry looked into the prematurely lined face, framed in thick but greying hair, and wished that he could return a different answer.  ‘I can’t, Remus, I’m sorry. If Dumbledore didn’t tell you I don’t think I can.’  ‘I thought you’d say that,’ said Lupin, looking disappointed.’ (DH, 173-4)

But with Ginny, he’s accidentally gone much further. He hasn’t said Horcruxes, but he’s as good as. The trio are setting off to try to kill Voldemort, the most dangerous task imaginable in this war. He tries, in vain, to undo it, but the damage is already done. Ginny knows more now than she did before: that the journey he’s about to go on is one that very likely will claim his life. 

What does Ginny know about Harry’s fate before this moment? 

It's clear from this interaction that Harry has never discussed any of this with Ginny before. In their breakup scene, Harry repeatedly said that he was breaking up with her for her own safety. He said he did not want her to be used as bait, as she already had been previously, and as Sirius was: 'Think how much danger you'll be in if we keep this up...' (HBP, 602). The focus was entirely on the risk to Ginny's life, a risk Harry says he cannot live with.

Ginny’s remarks at Dumbledore’s funeral told us something about how she, at that point, understood the path ahead for Harry. She made her half-joke that Harry was always busy saving the Wizarding World, and says she thinks he 'would never be happy', never fulfilled or satisfied, unless he were 'hunting Voldemort' (HBP, 603). She showed she interpreted his actions as choices being made by someone brave, determined, and personally committed to bringing about the end of Voldemort, not someone destined to. Harry’s motivations and reasons are ones she respects and empathises with. She knows the path ahead is dangerous. She doesn’t yet think of it as lethal. 

Harry didn’t respond to her assessments at the funeral, neither correcting nor confirming them. He didn’t let her know, at that stage, exactly what it is he is going to set off to do. The closest Harry came to revealing the road ahead for him in the break-up scene was this:

'It’s been like… like something out of someone else’s life, these last few weeks with you,' said Harry. 'But I can’t… we can’t… I’ve got things to do alone now.' She did not cry, she simply looked at him.’  (HBP, 602)

This is a pattern throughout their relationship, both as friends and later as romantic partners. Ginny knows a little, but not a lot, about Harry’s path. She thinks of it almost entirely as a decision he has made himself. Conversations about Harry’s destiny - about the Prophecy, about being the Chosen One, and, eventually, about the Horcrux hunt - happen near Ginny, but never with her. She does not seem to believe that Harry is the Chosen One or in any way bound to Voldemort's own fate. At the start of HBP, on the train in Slughorn’s carriage, Ginny states publicly her belief that any speculation about Harry being the Chosen One is nonsense: 

‘We never heard a prophecy,” said Neville, turning geranium pink as he said it. ‘That’s right,’ said Ginny staunchly. ‘Neville and I were both there too, and all this ‘Chosen One’ rubbish is just the Prophet making things up as usual.’ (HBP, 140)

Ultimately, before DH, Ginny has been given very little information. We can assume that she’s decided to respect Harry’s decision to keep any information from her and not to push for it. She has reason to fear he might be in danger, but she doesn’t yet know the full extent of it.

Ginny’s response

The immediate aftermath of Harry’s confession at the Burrow is very telling. 

‘They stared at each other, and there was something more than shock in Ginny’s expression. Suddenly Harry became aware that this was the first time that he had been alone with her since their stolen hours in secluded corners of the Hogwarts grounds. He was sure she was remembering them too.’ - DH (79)

It’s important that, immediately after this confession, Harry’s mind immediately takes him to private time spent alone with Ginny at the end of HBP. His certainty that Ginny, too, is reminiscing about them is typical of their wordless displays of understanding. They both reach for memories. And the memories of the last time he was alone with her, when they were still together, suddenly trigger an intense emotional and sexual tension. They are soon interrupted, and the dinner afterwards is extremely awkward. Harry wishes he were further away from Ginny, and tries, with great difficulty, to avoid touching her at the dinner table. The energy between them is intense and charged, anticipatory and frustrated. There are lots of ‘unsaid things’ that have just passed between them, and both are aware of it (DH, 79).

There are important themes being introduced here. Whenever Harry thinks about memories of his time with Ginny in DH, he does so consistently in two clear ways. To him, those times were private, intensely intimate moments which carried huge personal significance. It is strongly implied those were moments of sexual intimacy between the two of them, and where they shared an emotional closeness neither has found with any other character. But those moments with Ginny are also something Harry feels he was wrong to take. His relationship with her was something that, in retrospect, he embarked upon against his better judgement. He now feels it was something he was not entitled to, on account of his own burdens and obligations. Those were ‘stolen hours’ that were ‘something out of someone else’s life’. If we look to the wedding scene, we can see this most clearly:

‘‘Yes, my tiara sets off the whole thing nicely,’ said Auntie Muriel in a rather carrying whisper. ‘But I must say, Ginevra’s dress is far too low cut.’  Ginny glanced around, grinning, winked at Harry, then quickly faced the front again. Harry’s mind wandered a long way from the marquee, back to afternoons spent alone with Ginny in lonely parts of the school grounds. They seemed so long ago; they had always seemed too good to be true, as though he had been stealing shining hours from a normal person’s life, a person without a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead…’ (DH, 121) 

There are certain tropes at play here, that will that recur again and again in Harry’s thoughts of Ginny until the point of his death: the memory of time alone, the feeling of shared emotional and physical intimacy, to an intense degree; the sense of their time together being something stolen, both in the sense of it being snatched from within darker times, but also being forbidden, given with Harry’s fate when it comes to Voldemort. That Harry recalls these moments at a moment as two other characters make lifelong vows of marriage to each other is not insignificant: all is set up to maximise the sense of tragedy.

Ginny processing Harry’s fate

Ginny is not naive. Harry’s confession seems to change something about how she thinks about what he’s about to do. She may once have dismissed the prophecy of Harry as the Chosen One as nonsense. But she now has reason to suspect that might not quite be true.

She may well re-trace what she does know. After all, she was at the Department of Mysteries two summers prior, where she learnt that Voldemort, at least, thinks there is a prophecy of significance that involves Harry directly. She knows Harry has been having one-on-one lessons with Dumbledore: she even gave him one of the invitations (HBP, 228). She also knows that Harry and Dumbledore left school for a secret mission alone on the night the Astronomy Tower was attacked and Dumbledore was killed. She observed how Harry saw Dumbledore’s death as a catalyst to prepare for a path that required him to step back from her. Above all, we also know that Ginny is a character who understands Tom Riddle intimately. She is one of the people who comes closest to understanding the stakes of your life being bound, in some way, to Voldemort.

It is also significant that Ginny is a character canonically intrigued, and touched, by death, and by powerful Dark magic. The diary, and her own near-death experience, is the most obvious example. But in the Department of Mysteries during OotP, we are told she is also one of the characters most drawn to the veil, despite having far less direct experience of loss and grief than Harry, Luna, or even Neville:

‘[Harry] took several paces back from the dais and wrenched his eyes from the veil. ‘Let’s go,’ he said. ‘That’s what I’ve been trying to — well, come on, then!’ said Hermione, and she led the way back around the dais. On the other side, Ginny and Neville were staring, apparently entranced, at the veil too. Without speaking, Hermione took hold of Ginny’s arm, Ron Neville’s, and they marched them firmly back to the lowest stone bench and clambered all the way back up to the door.’ (OotP, 775)

I don’t mean to suggest Ginny knew what was coming for Harry, that she foresaw him having to go to his death. She knows nothing of Horcruxes, she doesn’t know the contents of the Prophecy, and she certainly doesn’t know Harry himself is a Horcrux. Harry, of course, doesn’t yet know the certainty of him going to his own death, at this point in the text. But given the information she alone has been handed, inadvertently, by Harry, she has plenty of reason to begin to suspect the path Harry is on is one that might end in death, moreso for him than for an anyone else in this war.

Ginny doesn’t appear much in the following pages, other than in her role helping to prepare the house for the wedding. Over the next few days, she has lots of time to consider Harry’s words. We know she’s also sharing a bedroom with Hermione, who is actively preparing for their imminent departure, and watching the three of them try to sneak off together to make plans. This is time for Ginny to start to digest the information Harry has unwittingly divulged. She can now begin to think about how she ought to respond to the prospect of him leaving for a mission that will, likely, cost him his life.

The kiss itself

We can see Ginny has planned this interaction with Harry in her bedroom. The false casualness of how the scene opens - ‘Harry, can you come in here a moment?’ - and the actions of the bedroom’s other occupant, Hermione, suggests some level of premeditation and collaboration. For the first time, Ginny brings him into her bedroom, with the door closed. The setting is obviously intimate and suggestive.

Harry describes Ginny as seeming nervous, but purposeful, like she is readying herself for something - she ‘[takes] a deep breath’. She is looking at him ‘steadily’. Harry is nervous, too: he cannot bring himself to look at her, finding it almost painful, like ‘gazing into a brilliant light’ (DH, 98). Her trademark blazing look is in full force. She doesn’t entertain his attempts at small talk: she is serious about what she’s about to do.

‘‘I couldn’t think what to get you,’ she said.  ‘You didn’t have to get me anything.’ She disregarded this too.’ (DH, 98-9)

Ginny opens by revealing how difficult it has been for her to work out what she could give him, under the circumstances. She is, in her own way, acknowledging how hard she is finding processing what it is he has to do now. She has been struggling with the prospect of Harry’s departure, and the possibility, even the likelihood, of his death. But she has decided she wants to make that path easier for him. Despite his reassurance, she insists she wanted to give him something. 

‘‘I didn’t know what would be useful. Nothing too big, because you wouldn’t be able to take it with you.” He chanced a glance at her. She was not tearful...' (99)

These lines are so significant. The first two lines in particular are deeply profound. They read very differently to how I first thought of them, if seen in this light. I didn’t know what would be useful, she says, because she doesn't know what she can say that will be useful. What could possibly make this easier, to help Harry think about the enormity of his situation, or to help guide him on a path requiring him to accept his own likely death? 

She doesn’t want what she gives to him now to be too heavy, too sad, or too serious, because she knows Harry will not be able to deal with it (‘nothing too big’). Anything too declaratory, too sentimental, or too enormous, would be impossible for him to leave with. In the last part of the sentence, her words are deliberately vague: because you wouldn’t be able to take it with you. 

I think this is the most poignant part, and it suggests the part of Ginny's mind that believes in, and is curious about, what happens beyond, after death: the voices on the other side of the veil. I think there is some part of her that thinks Harry might be going somewhere she can’t reach him - what Dumbledore will later call going on. Ginny does not openly speculate about where Harry will be taking whatever she gives him. That it could be to his own grave, or beyond, is left unspoken. He looks at her, finally, after these words, because he seems to understand, on some level, what she is trying to say to him.

‘She took a step closer to him. ‘So then I thought, I’d like you to have something to remember me by, you know, if you meet some veela when you’re off doing whatever you’re doing.’’ (DH, 99)

Ginny has decided: the thing she will give him is a memory, one that he can take with him when they part. Something to remember me by. She wants the memory of her, of them, to be useful, to serve him in some way, and to be something that he might be able to take on with him after death. She tries to soften what she’s trying to convey, with the joke about the veela. But both seem to understand what she is really saying: that she isn’t really asking for his loyalty or fidelity. She doesn’t say she’s giving him ‘something to remember me by’ for when he comes back and they can be together again. Her words are very final. The joke is supposed to make it easier for him to hear what she is saying: she’s telling him, quietly, how to think about her when he leaves, whatever leaving might mean.

Harry, for his part, continues the joke. (‘I think dating opportunities are going to be pretty thin on the ground, to be honest.’) She plays along, sort of, in a very sad way (‘there’s the silver lining I’ve been looking for’). But both seem to know that there is no real silver lining to this. 

And then there’s the kiss itself: 

‘There’s the silver lining I’ve been looking for,’ she whispered, and then she was kissing him as she had never kissed him before, and Harry was kissing her back, and it was blissful oblivion, better than Firewhisky; she was the only real thing in the world, Ginny, the feel of her, one hand at her back and one in her long, sweet-smelling hair —’ (DH, 99)

It all comes to a head here. Harry recognises that this kiss feels exceptional, unlike any other they’ve ever shared - that Ginny has never put so much into a kiss before. It is ‘blissful oblivion’, this moment of extraordinary intensity, where she kisses him and allows him, for a moment, to think only about her and them together. It’s heady and sexual (‘the feel of her’). It’s a gift for Harry  to be able to forget everything and let this moment be a vacuum, to focus only on her. The crescendo effect of the short causes and run-on sentences allows the moment to build and build, a crescendo effect that anticipates something to come. 

Of course, their moment gets interrupted, again. Unlike when Ron interrupted her with Dean, Ginny doesn't rage at him this time: she is subdued, a response that is far more appropriate for her processing the fact that she may have just had her final kiss with the boy she loves. Harry suspects she has started to cry, something he notes is out of character. Ginny had imbued a lot of meaning into this interaction: this is a portrait of a character whose heart is breaking.

When Harry and Ron are discussing the kiss outside on the lawn, after the initial shock of being yelled at by Ron for going anywhere near Ginny, Harry has his own, shattering realisation of what all of this means for himself and Ginny:

‘Yeah, but you go snogging her now and she’s just going to get her hopes up again—’ ‘She’s not an idiot, she knows it can’t happen, she’s not expecting us to— to end up married, or—’  As he said it, a vivid picture formed in Harry’s mind of Ginny in a white dress, marrying a tall, faceless, and unpleasant stranger. In one spiralling moment it seemed to hit him: Her future was free and unencumbered, whereas his . . . he could see nothing but Voldemort ahead.’ (DH, 100)

Thinking aloud, Harry says it would be idiotic for he or Ginny to imagine they could be together, either now, or at any point in the future. He expects her to find someone else; he cannot even begin to imagine a future for himself after the task set out for him. He does not say his inevitable death - he has not yet embraced that reality - but he remains caught in the certainty of an existential battle with Voldemort that he knows he may well not survive.

Later that day, Harry will receive the snitch from Dumbledore’s will. Though he doesn’t know it yet, he now holds the resurrection stone, the item that will open at the close in the forest. It is a birthday that starts and ends with hints about what little time he has left: the stage is set for an arc that, now, has to end in his own death.

Foreshadowing Ginny and the Forest

Moments foreshadowing the significance of the forest are all over Deathly Hallows. Sometimes, they mirror the moment of his own death; often, they are related to Ginny. When they leave the Ministry, with Ron splinched, clutching the Horcrux locket, they arrive in a forest. For a moment Harry’s heart ‘leaped’ at the thought that they were back in Hogwarts’ grounds, the site of so much of his earlier happiness with Ginny (DH, 221). When the trio hear that Ginny, Neville and Luna tried to steal the sword of Gryffindor, it is the Forbidden Forest they are sent to by Snape as punishment (248-9). Harry does not fear the Forest, and is consoled by the thought of Ginny serving detention there rather than anywhere else.

In the Forest of Dean, the scene where Ron returns begins with Harry thinking of Ginny. He sits at the mouth of the tent, wanting to look for Ginny on the Marauders’ Map, until he remembers it’s Christmastime and she is at the Burrow (297). Later, in a moment that mirrors his later walk to his death, he follows his mother - Snape’s patronus, the doe - into the woods, in order to recover and destroy the Horcrux, inching Harry’s own life closer to its close:

Though the darkness had swallowed her whole, [the doe’s] burnished image was still imprinted on his retinas; it obscured his vision, brightening when he lowered his eyelids, disorienting him. Now fear came: Her presence had meant safety. “Lumos!” he whispered, and the wand-tip ignited. The imprint of the doe faded away with every blink of his eyes as he stood there, listening to the sounds of the forest, to distant crackles of twigs…  He held the wand higher. Nobody ran out at him, no flash of green light burst from behind a tree. Why, then, had she led him to this spot?’ (DH, 299)

Foreshadowing Harry's end in the Forest means also foreshadowing Ginny's own appearance at the moment of his death.

Harry’s ‘death’ in the Forest 

In the final battle, Ginny is the last person Harry sees before he begins his walk into the Forest. He takes the words she says to the child on the ground as her final act of comfort. Harry hears them as if they are being spoken to him: 

‘He was feet away from her when he realised it was Ginny.  He stopped in his tracks. She was crouching over a girl who was whispering for her mother.  ‘It’s all right,’ Ginny was saying. ‘It’s okay. We’re going to get you inside.’  ‘But I want to go home,’ whispered the girl. ‘I don’t want to fight anymore!’ ‘I know,’ said Ginny, and her voice broke. ‘It’s going to be all right.’  Ripples of cold undulated over Harry’s skin. He wanted to shout out to the night, he wanted Ginny to know that he was there, he wanted her to know where he was going. He wanted to be stopped, to be dragged back, to be sent back home (...) Ginny was kneeling beside the injured girl now, holding her hand. With a huge effort Harry forced himself on. He thought he saw Ginny look around as he passed, and wondered whether she had seen someone walking nearby, but he did not speak, and he did not look back.’ (DH, 558-9)

Harry believes that this is his final moment with Ginny before he goes to die. A part of him wants her to know that it’s happening: he is leaving, at last. But he can't call to her, because he worries she will try and stop him, and he might let her. Instead, he walks on, and doesn’t look back. After watching Ginny comfort the girl crying for her mother, Harry then goes on to the Forest, and summons his own mother, his own family, to walk with him to his death.  

‘His body and mind felt oddly disconnected now, his limbs working without conscious instruction, as if he were passenger, not driver, in the body he was about to leave. The dead who walked beside him through the forest were much more real to him now that the living back at the castle: Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and all the others were the ones who felt like ghosts as he stumbled and slipped toward the end of his life, toward Voldemort. . . .' (DH, 561-2)

Harry is already preparing to go on from this world: his living loved ones are the ones he now feels furthest from. He stands now with the dead he has summoned, who recognise him and seem to have memories of him. He doesn't fear the dead: he is going to join them.

It’s the death scene itself that I think has subtle, but important parallels with the kiss scene much earlier. In both imagery and in writing style, the scene recalls that earlier moment, where Harry found himself on the edge of another kind of oblivion. There is this mounting, febrile sense of anticipation. There is a tension that is almost sexual, a dynamic injected into the scene through descriptions of Bellatrix’s body language and behaviour towards Voldemort:

‘Bellatrix, who had leapt to her feet, was looking eagerly from Voldemort to Harry, her breast heaving. The only things that moved were the flames and the snake, coiling and uncoiling in the glittering cage behind Voldemort’s head.’  (DH, 564)

The ugly parallel of Bellatrix and Voldemort is not supposed to show the pair as the mirror image of Harry and Ginny. Rather, it is a theme that recurs throughout the series to demonstrate the gulf between Harry, with his immense capacity for love, and Voldemort, with none. Bellatrix and Ginny are memorably paralleled twice in the series: once, at the Department of Mysteries, where Bellatrix moves to ‘torture the little girl’, and Harry steps in to prevent her (OotP, 783), and again in the final battle: 

'Bellatrix was still fighting too, fifty yards away from Voldemort, and like her master she dueled three at once: Hermione, Ginny, and Luna, all battling their hardest, but Bellatrix was equal to them, and Harry’s attention was diverted as a Killing Curse shot so close to Ginny that she missed death by an inch—  He changed course, running at Bellatrix rather than Voldemort, but before he had gone a few steps he was knocked sideways…’ (DH, 589)

As Harry waits for the killing curse, we see the most direct parallel with Ginny's final kiss to him:

‘None of the Death Eaters moved. They were waiting: everything was waiting. Hagrid was struggling, and Bellatrix was panting, and Harry thought inexplicably of Ginny, and her blazing look, and the feel of her lips on his — ’ (DH, 564)

There's such an intense physicality and breathlessness to the whole scene, and an enduring pseudo-sexual tension, with Bellatrix audibly panting. Even the sentence structure even invokes the kissing scene: the run-on build up of clauses, the repetition of the present participle to actively hold the reader in one present moment, building and building and ending on a dash, the promise of something more.

At the end of his life, Harry returns to the memory Ginny gave him. She meant for it to be useful, if he was to go to his death. And at the close of his life he chooses to use it, as he prepares to leave her behind in this world and depart for the next. Just as the Resurrection Stone helped accept death, so too does the memory of Ginny. He feels the memory of her, the sensation of physical touch and of being kissed, the look she gives him that he knows as one of love and great courage. As he is killed, he remembers her last gift to him, the certainty of her love for him impressed upon him.

--

There's a line in OotP that I think is such an underrated line that sums up who Ginny is as a character. Harry is trying to get to Umbridge's fire to speak to Sirius when he thinks the latter is being tortured at the Ministry; Hermione suggests using Ginny and Luna as a distraction, despite Harry's objections:

'Though clearly struggling to understand what was going on, Ginny said immediately, ‘Yeah, we’ll do it,'... (OotP, 736)

This is who Ginny is. It's especially who she is to Harry, during the war. She doesn't fully know what's actually being asked of Harry (and, by extension, what is being asked of her, as the person who loves him, and who has most to lose if he is to die). But even when kept in the dark, she is enormously selfless, and her biggest act of bravery is extremely quiet. She keeps the secret Harry accidentally bestows on her, and she realises, in some sense, before he does, what it will likely mean for his life. She chooses to let him go on, knowing that he is loved, to make the path that he is on a little bit easier, even when she has realised that it will take him away from her for good.

[altraviolet]

so im neck deep in reading echo garden - hi, hope ur doing well, holy hell what is this beautiful piece of writing and worldbuilding omg? i originally wanted to ask you something like; 'what's your inspiration for your worldbuilding, what ideas did you come up with, pull/build from etc'

..but instead i wanna try and ask you a different question/for advice, if that's okay? (your writing went and gave me a mild crisis, congrats you've reached peak 'make-ppl-feel-things-thru-writing' skillz. :}) how do you even 'do' worldbuilding? because i'm doubting myself, reading your story lol. i know the whole.. 'we get inspiration from literally everything around us', 'there's no such thing as a truly original idea' etc,

but i'm just now breaking free of the thought that i have to.. produce something big and unique and grandiose? (for others? it's a weird attention-y 'ey look what i made' thing.) like, honestly, i fell in love with your worldbuilding but feel.. envious? like, 'oh, damn, i wish i was this good.' which, yeah, I KNOW is silly.

I don't know.. how to worldbuild/craft (whatever term) something that feels like mine? I keep comparing to others, and keep feeling like whatever bits and pieces come to me isn't good enough. Isn't unique/cool/giant/'oh-so-new-&-different' enough. like I have to somehow reach that impossible 'true original idea', without using any inspiration at all (otherwise it's not 'mine') - when everything's already been thought of before by countless people.

I'm sitting here in a really weird, silly, downright stupid at this point, circular loop and I don't know how to get out of it. I think not understanding what worldbuilding is, or how it works or even how having ideas works, might be why I've screwed myself here? And the internet's weird.. impossible standard for idea-having.

I have tiny pieces, the barest little foundations, I just don't know how to grow them into.. something, anything. (is maybe the thought that I ought to grow them in the first place one of the reasons I'm having trouble? and it's.. okay to not? that just because they're tiny, or simple, or mundane, doesn't mean they're worth less than 'bigger & better' chunks of ideas/worldbuilding?)

Hi! I'm doing okay, thanks. Vacation could be structured more to my liking, but family & obligation something something.

Anyway. Thanks! I'm glad you're enjoying Echo Garden. Especially the worldbuilding, which is one of my favorite things to do. It seems like you're feeling a lot of mixed and heavy things about it. I don't know if I'm any authority to help you with that, but I'll give it a shot. Let's go through what you've sent me, albeit out of order. I'mma put this behind a cut, because it got very long.

>what is this beautiful piece of writing and worldbuilding omg? Thank you! I appreciate that. Here I would like to stress that this writing has taken me almost 4 years and hundreds and hundreds of hours, and hundreds of thousands of words to accomplish. If you think it is beautiful, I am happy to hear that! I will be honest: I am very proud of what I've done. But what I'm stressing here is that it was not effortless. It is beautiful, but it has taken a lot of work.

>i fell in love with your worldbuilding but feel.. envious? like, 'oh, damn, i wish i was this good.' which, yeah, I KNOW is silly. No, that's not silly. That's legit. Envy or jealousy are totally normal things to feel in any given situation. If the situations were reversed, I'd feel the same way. When I see people who have things or skills I wish I had, I feel it. This might be a good time to drop a little story about when I first thought about writing TF fic. Please do me a favor and go read this ask, you can skip down to the bold words that say NOTE THE WARNINGS AND TAGS BEFORE READING. Here I talk about how I didn't write for a year because I read a fic so good I knew I could never be that good.

tl;dr and/or moral: it's ok and natural to feel envious. Don't let it stop you from writing, though. If I had let TGWP stop me from writing, you'd never have Echo Garden. That'd be a shame, I think. I'm glad I decided to try writing, even though I knew I couldn't do something as good as what I admired. I did something else.

>how do you even 'do' worldbuilding? because i'm doubting myself, reading your story lol. i know the whole.. 'we get inspiration from literally everything around us', 'there's no such thing as a truly original idea' etc, I'll come back to your first question eventually, but I wanna address the latter statements: "We get inspiration from everything around us," yes, this is true. Being a sponge, being observant of the world, will help you build a 'library' of ideas. Artists have a term for this that escapes me at the moment, but the idea is, if an artist draws 1000 trees, and within those, 50 different kinds of trees, they now have an excellent mental tree 'library' to reference when they need to draw a tree. And since it's super easy to find irl references of trees, one might ask, what's the use of the mental library? It gives the artist the basics and a ton of variations on The Concept of a Tree. In a similar way, observing the world, reading stories, listening to music, absorbing creative works, etc will also add to your mental library. You can call on these things when worldbuilding later. Quick example: if you know the ins and outs of a hospital, because you're a nurse, you'll have a fantastic basis for a realistically operating sci fi hospital on another world. Take a concept relating to the hospital, as we know it on Earth, and change it. What if patients can regrow internal organs but not limbs? See what that does to the organization of the hospital. The staff, the pharmacy, the stock, the medical supplies. What changes? Organ donors aren't needed anymore. Would this mean an actual reduction in the species's understanding of how those organs work? An irl nurse won't have to do a ton of research to get the basics which are drawn upon to answer those questions.

This line of questioning took me to something I want to expand upon later, but for now: What kind of cultural issues could arise from this species's healing ability? Is someone who was forced to grow a new liver due to an accident "less than" someone who has their original liver? Hold onto the fact that we just went from hospital -> biology -> culture. "There's no such thing as a truly original idea," I disagree with this statement, though I know it is a very, very popular one. I think it is true that plots and archetypes are commonly used over and over again. I think there are still original ideas out there, though. I pride myself on it, to be honest. Some of the worldbuilding you like so much comes from ideas that I've not seen in either TF canon or fanon. They tend to be smaller details that feed into bigger systems, once you take them to their logical endpoints. More on that later.

>I keep comparing to others, and keep feeling like whatever bits and pieces come to me isn't good enough. Isn't unique/cool/giant/'oh-so-new-&-different' enough.

All I can say here is that comparison is the thief of joy. If we're talking strictly fanfic, it shouldn't be this stressful on you. People love tropes for a reason. Don't be afraid to use them. Echo Garden itself has a few. "Enemies to lovers" never quite felt like the correct term, but it is recognizable and there are tons of fans of it. Remember the thing about me not writing for a year cuz I thought I wasn't good enough. Don't do that. Comparison is the thief of joy! >like I have to somehow reach that impossible 'true original idea', without using any inspiration at all (otherwise it's not 'mine') - when everything's already been thought of before by countless people.

Again, I do think there are truly original ideas still out there. You have a unique view of the world. Writing is one way to share it. All your experiences, your education, your hardships and your victories shape who you are. No one else will be looking out the same eyeballs. With practice, you can find ideas. I'll explain how I do it. Maybe that will help you, too. Though you do have, by your own words, little pieces: I have tiny pieces, the barest little foundations, I just don't know how to grow them into.. something, anything. Little pieces are a good place to start. And if they stay little, that's fine. Having a ton of little pieces layered on top of each other is what contributes richness to your world.

My goal with all the above was to address the emotional aspect of your ask. I haven't gone through everything, but I'd like to get to your core question. I am going to answer it literally, in a way that might not help you, then try to break it down into something that might be helpful.

how do you even 'do' worldbuilding?

I think. All the time. I am one of those people who has a laser focus and is able to make connections between unrelated ideas. I am always, always thinking. It's not really daydreaming. It's thinking about a single idea and then taking it for a ride down a million "what if?" paths. Put it this way: I think watching astronomy lectures is fun and I loathe parties. Fun for me is world building: building literal worlds. Playing with ideas. So how do I 'do' worldbuilding? Mostly in my head. Once I get some ideas that make sense, I write them down so I don't forget them. If I'm lucky, I'm at home at my computer and can type them fast. If I'm not, I'm at work, and I scribble them on pieces of paper. It can be anything, from a huge plot point to a teeny tiny detail.

How do I think? If I'm world building from nothing (as opposed to solving a problem or building on top of previously thought of stuff), I just... think of things that fascinate me. For Transformers, that's their biology and how it links to culture. It's their alienness. The possible geology of their world. I freaking love just thinking about that!

Once you have a fascinating idea, you push it. What does that mean? Do you recall, in the nurse/hospital example above, I noted that, while we started with 'hospital setting,' it moved to how that healing factor could be interpreted in the culture of that species? That was what I mean: taking the idea of 'alien hospital' to 'what does this mean about their biology?' to 'what does this mean about their culture?' And to be honest, this is how I do a lot of world building. Culture comes from biology and geology. This is a personal theory I have, I'm sure anthropologists have a better definition of culture. But that's the one I use for worldbuilding. What is the consequence of your fascinating idea? That is the key for me. That is how I worldbuild.

If I'm worldbuilding on top of previous stuff, it's sometimes a bit harder or easier, depending on how the previous stuff narrows your possibilities. But in that case, I usually try to be as logical as possible. Here's an example for Echo Garden:

canon facts: the Lost Light has a fuel furnace and an engine room and a bridge

me: hmm, okay, the LL has utilities and facilities, kind of like a small town. someone has to tend to those things. I'm sure some mechs have specialized knowledge that makes them a better fit for maintaining/upkeeping certain things than others. We saw Blaster on the bridge acting as a communications officer of sorts. Hmm, he's probably the best bet for keeping comm-related stuff clean and running. Hmm, that fuel furnace... I bet it's really hot in there, lol. I bet it's complicated in there. They probably have to color code the pathways to the different furnaces. I bet most mechs wouldn't like being in there because it's so hot. I wonder who'd get stuck with that chore. Well... Rodimus is fireproof, basically, and Trailbreaker could protect himself with his shield. So they can do that chore.

It feels rambly when I write it out. I suppose it could be. I do this very quickly in my mind, though. I pull from everything I know: canon, fanon, things I know from my own life experiences. This 'pulling' happens all at the same time. So, going back to that 'mental library,' as you can see, that's a powerful thing for me to have for my worldbuilding method.

Okay okay, so how can I make all that into something actionable by you? Good question. I suppose I will answer it with more questions!

Precisely define what it is you want to worldbuild. Is it cultural (language, food, clothing, music, etc)? Is it biological (bodies, adaptations, appearance, etc)? Is it environmental (geology of the world, or the inside of a space ship)? What exactly do you want to accomplish?

Once you have selected your Topic, think about all the things related to that Topic. What are the usual characteristics of Topic? Which of those characteristics can you change to fit your world? Example: food in TF. Food is often energon or engex. Food in real life is a huge part of culture. If your goal is to showcase a character making a special dish, maybe pick an irl dish you like, and see how its preparation would change if it was made out of a pretty, glowy energon-y substance instead of whatever it's made of on Earth.

If you haven't worldbuilt to your satisfaction, try another avenue. What else about Topic can you think of? What are your personal experiences regarding Topic? Maybe go do some research on Topic- you might find a neat little tidbit to incorporate into your writing.

Once you've worldbuilt Topic to your satisfaction, link it to the rest of your world! What does Topic existing do to your environment? To your characters? It's okay if Topic isn't a huge deal. That's totally fine! It's lovely to just have little worldbuilding details hanging around in the background. Remember- layering lots of tiny details really helps make a world feel rich and lived in. In the event that Topic is a big deal, repeat step 2 to discover how it affects your world.

Once Topic is happily integrated into your world, repeat the process! Take breaks, listen to music. Zone out. See if your brain can make some weird connections while you're not even really thinking about it. Be open to something that sounds kinda nuts at first. Maybe there's a way to pull it off! Or maybe not.

Side note: if you think of a really cool idea but it doesn't fit into the story you're writing right now, stick it in a file for later. Mmm, delicious ideas file, ready to be cannibalized for your next story.

So... yeah! That's how I worldbuild. Thinking a LOT and connecting ideas together and then pushing them to logical extremes/conclusions.

If you have any specific questions about anything I've written, feel free to ask. I don't think my method will work for everyone, but hopefully you can put your own spin on it and find a method that works for you.

Best of luck and happy worldbuilding :)

[padfootastic]

hi! i've no idea how i came to your page but i realised i'd read two of your one-shots in ao3 before and had adored them (you'll probably get comments from me in future, btw) and i just wanted to say thank you for your writing and thank you for your prongsfoot<3

i've been very critical of this sort of new, cool and aloof and martyred version of remus lupin for quite a while now (honestly, where did all those traits come from?!) and gosh, you're so eloquent when talking about him!!!

i was wondering what your thoughts were on regulus black? because i think he's getting the same sort of royalty treatment as remus does by making him sort of-- er, perfect? i mean. i've seen so much recently of him basically saving the world single-handedly and i-- ugh. and james is always just there, like a useless idiot? it makes me irrationally angry, and this is coming from someone who enjoys jegulus quite a bit. my problem is that i don't know if this rejection i feel against those two comes from a place of genuine dislike of them or from a place of wishing sirius and james were not done so dirty.

anyway, again, thank you for your writing. it's truly beautiful. hope you have a great day!

omg hello 🥺 i’ve periodically opened tumblr, giggling like a loon, and logging off multiple times just to see this ask,,,,thank u sm , ur way too kind <3 and ur comment on ao3!!! i was just,,,,yeah,,,no words. thank u.

ooooooh i remember being asked something similar a while ago and i took the safe route and basically went ‘remus lupin-ification of regulus’ iirc. that still stands. but but. i’ve also got another answer here! all hail tumblr’s search system today!

i still basically stand by all of it, but adding onto the jegulus + sirius bits of it:

annoys tf outta me when regulus is turned into a victim and like sirius damned him to hell when he left . i have thoughts about the way both of them were treated (which,,,another time,,,this post is already getting too long lol) but i imagine the day sirius left to be a Good One for reg bc he thinks he’ll have his parents undivided attention now. i also think regulus is severely defanged in a lot of characterisations, as if he wasn’t a baby DE, as if he wasn’t a slytherin from the house of black, as if he wasn’t walmart sirius black. like man i’m almost offended on his behalf. i’m sure his shaking his lil fist up at us from wherever he is.

with jegulus…okay, i’ve only read a couple oneshots but that doesn’t mean i haven’t tried. i genuinely went thru so many fics trying to get something, anything to stick and i think the problem is me. fully. completely. without doubt. i just can’t deal with a situation where j&s aren’t each others no.1, or at the very least, equivalent to that. that’s where my issues w wolfstar started, same w this. jegulus also has the added horror of ‘james and reg sneaking behind sirius’ back’ which is just,,,,gosh,,,,i have So Many Thoughts ab that. all personal opinions, but still. they’re strong. it fucks me up just thinking about it. i also think the ship tries wayyyy too hard to fit the ‘best friend’s brother’ trope and ends up sacrificing characterisation for it. which,,,again,,,that’s fine but it’s all the ‘oh this is how it was!’ that gets to me. and then james :/// he gives off such weird energy lol. jegulus gives me drarry vibes, and james is treated almost exactly as harry is in a lot of those. reg also gets the saviour treatment, like draco, and both of their fuckery is toned down until they’re almost normal, like they never did any reprehensible shit. j&r, and d&h are placed on the same moral equivalence and it’s just a bit. hmm. okay. (my issue with this is how it leaks into the writing and suddenly i’m made to sympathise with draco bc harry slashed him w sectumsempra, but we conveniently forget he was gonna use an unforgivable, ykno?) so overall it just feels…pushing reg up and pulling james down to get them on equal footing. very similar to wolfstar lbr.

anyway. that’s a ramble and a half lmao.

also!! ‘a place of genuine dislike of them or from a place of wishing sirius and james were not done so dirty’ in my mind, both of these occupy a similar plane of existence. so very valid. for me, personally, hating remrem started as the latter and i eventually realised it’s also the former lol i was just mad a how sirius is bastardised to justify his ~deification and it eventually moved on to ‘wow i just. do not like him’. damn.

[crookedkryptonitebeliever]

I almost hate how much i switched teams from 2718 to abacus, but its just bc he's new and shiny and pretty and pushy. He stifles autonomy so i know 2817 is better in the long run bc u can reason w him and he puts mcs best interests first. Abacus gives me the kind of vibe that he'd let mc get hurt so long as shes his, and tbh i feel like he might enjoy it? Like he'd like to fix her up and *accidentally* press a lil too hard into her wounds wheras 2718 would just use his abilities so that she wont feel the pain to begin w. That's just my assumption tho given what we've seen. Abacus seem the type to only use his powers thingy to subdue reader.

We know that 2718 has met readers past forms/reincarnation w.e u call it and i originally thought abacus did too. Maybe he was her affair or lover in a previous reincarnation methinks? I just felt like he knows her before. This changed a bit towards the end when they were walkin thru the streets while he was giving her the endoscopy (😮‍💨💦) and we learned just how badly mc is seen. Now im starting to wonder if aba is just greedy n wanted her as his lil disabled spouse genuinely, no past relation. Idk. I still feel like they know each other previously. Or maybe he sensed something abt her back when 2817 brought her in to that place all the way back then. Mc is key to the universe type thing. Doubt that tho.

Neyways i think aba is gnna take her home where he reveals that he not only has four arms, but also two dicks n he's gnna try to fawk her but some event will inconveniently stop him. I also think he lives in an oasis like place, their version of natural wood everywhere, running waterfalls from the cieling, tons of glass that he can mentally control and shatter at will to threaten reader while having a saccharine smile on his face, the works really.

I wnna believe translator(TA) is gnna get 2718 and theyll find mc but now im thinking maybe they might not meet up like that. 2718 might find TA n ditch her to find mc and TA has to scramble to keep up, might even meet her on the way back after 2718 saves the day. Also wondering whts gnna happen to TA bc i dont think anything criminally bad happened to her even tho we heard her screaming. Be real interesting if she were screaming bc 2817 found her and juuuust missed mc and aba. I think when 2718 finds mc and aba they're gnna be familiar w eachother but not fight bc aba is one slippery bastard. Or maybe itll be convenient where aba leaves mc unattended for a bit and someone tries to harm her and then 2718 makes him big appearance, like when mc was first dropped into the world and 2718 saved her. I have more thoughts on that but ive already wrote an essay here and in my other ask 😭

Anywhooo ty fr the chapter, hope your healing well 💕💕💕 -🐰

Damn this sure is a well written essay 😳 its either ur a really good analyst or im just a predictable writer cause it almost seems like u have access to my drafts

Cuase that... Kinda exactly whats gonna happen ngl, its still pretty rough around the edges part 15 is just still in its embryo stage with a 50 word list of whars going to hapoen, but yea it pretty similar to what you just described , havent been writing cause i regained my leg freedom finally and i spent literally every waking hour outside, driving and shit

There is going to be a fawking scene in p15 ill tell u and whoevers reading that. Similar to what you descibe with their anatomy but a little different in sequence of events

Thanks for sending in this ask bunny anon this is so cool and i had a great read ❤️❤️ lovely motivation youve given me and i really appreciatte the essay asks -- like, i appreciate if A LOT actually, thanks for reading language barrier too

[saetoru]

TEE!!!! i am coming directly into your askbox to scream about the latest rb! gojo fic! aND LIKE!!! the knowledge that you had posted it literally got me outta bed this morning and i read it on my phone with one hand as i was getting ready and the fic!! it beat me up!!! cut me bit by bit until i was only a pile on the ground!! dadjo is terrible for forcing them (or at least trying) to break up!! preying on the class difference and reader's insecurity over it!! honestly, if anything he should be impressed because reader is a very smart cookie and a hard worker. iirc they were working two jobs at one point??? VERY IMPRESSIVE. dadjo can't even do one job right smh.

he was soaked to the bone. yes. good. nothing like a sopping wet man on your doorstep. LMAOOO but. augh. when reader mentioned how his dad was involved gojo got so mad that i thought he was actually going to storm off (and then come back again) but luckily he didn't.

when he was yelling and demanding to know why reader broke up with him, i kind of thought of that piece where he convinces them to stay until morning and they finally make it official— when he's demanding to know why reader won't consider a relationship and he's almost yelling and reader tells him not to yell at them… and then here, the narration mentions how he never yells and like, i don't know if that was intentional or not, but if it was… well, he's commited so much about the reader to memory that it would make sense he'd remember something like that.

and then there's this line: they’re bright and kind and deeper than the ocean. but unlike the ocean, they’re not scary to fall into, to lose yourself in no matter how far you are from shore. that one made me think of the sunglasses piece because the same comparison is made in the narration— how gojo's eyes are like the depths of the ocean, but in that fic/drabble, they're something scary. and like. it's a very cool writing thing and it makes me wanna scream LMAOOO.

ANYWAY I'M SO GLAD THEY DIDN'T STAY BROKEN UP FOR LONG AND THAT DADJO GETS HIS. reader definitely should have talked to gojo, but they can make it up to him by remaining by his side for the rest of their life hehe. dadjo should just accept reader because like, at this rate, some disowning is going to happen and the gojo family will have no heir (either satoru disowns the family or they disown him) but he'll be okay because he has his brains and reader (or the grandparents will get involved and give dadjo what he deserves!!!)

this is probably way longer than the 30 tags that stupid tumblr ate, but honestly speaking, i absolutely love the rich boy! gojo au so much. so so so so much and i'm so glad that you've been kind enough to share it with us all! (low key i want to know more about the pre-relationship times… but i want to know it ALLLLLL)

NIKU CRIES SOOOO HARD 🥹 i have to be so honest with you—i don’t even rmr the “don’t yell” part in the old fic ndkajdjd BUT the metaphors ab his eyes was revisited yes !! i think ur making me look like a more purposeful and skilled writer than i actually am fjsjfjf i wish i was that good at tying old things in. that would be the dream.

BUT HIS DAD WAS SO RUDE. it’s the way i wrote him and he still hurt my feelings 😭 he should respect reader bc they FOR REAL are hustling out here in this rough economy LMAO. but honestly reader is like. my new crush LMAO idk if i wanna be them or be w them

but gojo being a wet little soggy mess made me envision him as like. a soaked catjo hehe i love catjo he’s my fav ever i wanna buy a plushie of him but they’re like 40 dollars 😭😭😭 and i’m too cheap to spend 40 on a plushie LMAO

omg but also. i feel like writing an angry gojo was new for once u know ?? bc he’s always been soooo patient w reader and always let them doubt him and their relationship and was so precious and sweet ab reassuring them that sometimes i rly sit there and think like. damn this boy rly been thru it 😭 he was head over heels from the start and he rly had to fight his way into their life SOBS so i was like for once we’re gonna get a not perfectly sweet and patient gojo. tonight he’s gonna be an angry and emotional wreck SOBS. it was fun tho writing him that was. it was cathartic in a way.

but reader should have sooo talked to him sobsob. i think honestly that gojo wouldn’t have really been kicked from the company / inheritance bc then who would get it you know ?? i think dadjo was more trying to prey on readers innocence / insecurities and make them feel like they were powerless and had no choice but to do what he says and hope he’d get away w it EXCEPT SATORU IS ONE DETERMINED BOY LMAOOOO so he definitely underestimated his own sons stubbornness fjsmfjsj

i’m glad they got back together tho. i say that like i didn’t plan for them to from the start 💀 but to be so honest with u at one point i was kinda stuck on how i’d make them meet and talk and how the whole resolution would even happen. i think it was a bit rushed but i was tired and i was like eh. ppl will get the idea. BUT IM GLAD THEYRE TOGETHER BC I WOULD DIE IF THEY WERENT

and poor suguru 😔 my man ain’t do nothing justice for him he got that insta remove 😔 i forgot to make reader follow him back LOLLLL

BUT I ADORE U SM NIKU UR COMMENTS AND TAGS ON RB! GOJO ARE HALF OF WHY WRITING IT IS SO FUN IN THE FIRST PLACE i am so beyond grateful for u reading it and supporting it especially bc that one gojo fic u write is genuinely one of my fav gojo works ever. i admire ur writing sm it means sooooo much that someone so talented reads and interacts w my works like this 🥹 hugs u sooo tightly 🥹

[sungbeam]

my meimei, im trying my best to come up with the right words cs im more of a listener than a comforter 🥹 one thing i can tell you is the way my heart immediately sank the other day when you were going through a lot, and you were away for a while. the number of times I've constantly thought of the ways I could comfort you best, and if there's anything I could do to help ease your pain and suffering, be it online or irl. i know being on this platform is hard, and as writers sometimes we can't help but care about the interactions, notes, etc. i get that. but if you ever need to take a step back to let loose for a little, do just that. we all need a little break from here after all.

i'll never stop emphasizing this, but you're one of the reasons i started writing myself. i could never bear the thought of you leaving forever (though i know eventually one day all of us will move on with our lives yes), but def not so soon. i could go on and on all day about how creative you are, how your writings have made so many ppl pick up starting their own writing blog, and the way you're literally the sweetest human being ever. if not, i don't think you would've thought of making deoboyznet.

you helped revived deobiblr beam, and i can never thank you enough for giving me the space and such a comfortable place to meet other writers, make friends, and even improve on my writing. you're just so passionate about what you do, and you're just like a firefly that just guides the community (ok idk why my brain came up with firefly but i thought of it in a cute way 😭)

you mean a lot to me, beam. here's to more adventures and talks, and ofc eventually meeting each other irl someday. i'm always here for you, no matter what.

💗🫶🏻

hi jie hope u don't mind me posting this cuz ik u said u were shy 😭 but it didn't feel right to leave this in my inbox skfndjfn i just wanted to say that im really lucky to have a person in my life like u who's always looking out for me and caring abt how i am 😭 im sorry for all the worrying i put u thru but truly, im so thankful for u 🫂 ik sometimes i go radio silent, more often nowadays, but i hope u never take it personally.

also, thank u for the validation :')))) i feel like it's easy to doubt the impact someone has on other people, but im very happy to hear that my impact has been so positive on u and other people,,, i feel like at certain times it's so easy for me to fill w self doubt and it gets annoying for me and certainly others too 😭

but i hope u know that i appreciate ur kindness and patience w me all the time, and i love u very much jiejie 🫂💖

[whoseafraidofliloleme]

it was me who sent the previous anon ask nd i would love to be in your permanent taglist nd ur stories are really good LIKE I JUST STARTED READING THRU it a few days ago nd i literally started reading thru the chaotic siblings masterlist nd let me tell u U NEVER DISAPPOINT WITH YOUR WRITING LIKE THE SIBLING DYNAMIC nd I have so far read abt the Kim siblings nd this slope is treacherous nd i have also finished second choice (literally hits home like the doubts nd the way u portrayed mc it was like me a few yrs ago but now I'm doing better ^^ ) + ur stories are like jfjdje so nice the gradual build up the denial like no I don't have feelings it feels like when we have a crush it's like that ND I LOVE HOW U GIVE MCS THE ACTUAL GOOD FRNDS LIKE it's so important to have genuine frnds who aren't jealous of u or don't support u in ur interests (ur plot ideas are so fantastic nd amazing like I love authors who write for themselves like they make it like they envisioned it nd it turns out so good 🤩)

have a good day nd take care of yourself 💗

Ah!!! Thank you so much for letting me know who sent that ask. It really made my day and this very long ask made my day, especially since the other day was just not it and seeing this wonderful ask just made me so happy. I love long asks as seen by how long this reply is 😂😂.

Sorry it took me a few days to reply but I'm hoping you have seen that you've been added to the permanent taglist. Let me know what you thought of the newest Hold Your Peace chapter if you've read it😊.

Ah, staaaahp it. Im blushing🫣🫣, I really can't take compliments but it is wonderful to know that you enjoyed my lil stories so much.

The irony that I really base the sibling dynamic from what I've seen in dramas and with friends/family since I don't have siblings of my own. Its great to know that I nail that dynamic.

The Second Choice is very much a favourite of mine for the toxic friendship that is unfortunately many peoples reality, not to the insane level in the smau but its too easy to look over toxic friends irl and I am so glad that you are out of that situation.

The funny thing is, I'm always thinking the pace might just be too fast and I am always second guessing the build up, the denial of feelings so it is incredibly gratifying to know that you love the build up and denial of feelings.

Friendship is honestly just as important as the romantic relationship, there's more than enough fiction where the MC doesn't have the best friends so I make it a point that even if there are friends that are annoying/antagonistic there's the loving supportive friends in the group as well. I genuinely love the friendship dynamics as much as the sibling and romantic dynamics in my smaus.

Again thank you so much for the compliments. Its a struggle at least it was when I was going thru writers block, the will and ideas just weren't there but I got that mojo back thankfully.

Thank you so much for taking this time to write this ask and I hope you carry on reading and enjoying my works.🫰🏽🥰🫶🏽

If I could, I'd recommend my Harry Potter AUs I am quite proud of those 3 stories but regardless enjoy and my asks are always open so feel free to send another for whatever reason.

Have an amazing day, stay hydrated and take care <33

[jimipoo]

All yours.

prompt: Since your boyfriend is a dancer you thought it was a good idea to learn a TikTok dance with him and post it for fun. Until suddenly, everyone wants to take him from you and you are not pretty happy with it.

pairings: choreographer!jimin x oc

genre: fluff and a tiny bit of angst (insecurity but its harmless)

word count: 2.8k

warnings: jimin is so sweet and flirty it makes u roll ur eyes, oc is emotional all the time lmfao but in conclusion, theyre that couple + they r domestic bc dats my fav trope

a/n: plots kinda lame but cute imo.. its jus something i randomly thought of as im scrollin thru tiktok bc i hav an addiction yay ^__^ plus i love this tiktok dance LOL anyway its my first ever fic, im nervous so pls tell me what u think about it :3 im still a beginner at writing so it might b messy and rushed >.< but aaa hope u enjoy hehe

if u have tiktok, u might kno about this ;) jus imagine jimin dancing to this song *screams and does a backflip*

It’s becoming increasingly rare for you and Jimin to be home at the same time these days. As much as you want to wait for him every night, draw him a warm bath after a long day of practicing at his dance studio for hours, you can’t. Because you'd be passed out by the time he got home. The only time you’d be able to see him is during mornings when both of you are getting ready for work, one or two kisses on the cheek and it’d be another long hours for the both of you to see each other again.

And you miss him, quite a lot actually. For being such a clingy and affectionate partner and all your texts for him being all “Baby, I miss you :(” you highly doubt that you would be able to survive a full week without at least feeling his presence.

Jimin misses you too, of course. But as much as he feels bad for not coming home early as usual, and as much as he wanted to see you home and eat dinner with you like before, his practicing/working hours needed to be extended for some time because this new choreography for this K-pop boy group is not as easy to master and he feels as if he running out of time. You’d understand though, you know how hard he’s been working and all you want to do is take care of him as you’d like. 

This Friday was one of those rare days. Jimin was able to finish everything he needed to do in his studio ahead of schedule and returned home with a takeout bag from your favorite restaurant. Just a little something to make up for the time you hadn't spent together in the previous weeks.

It’s 9pm and you were really tired. Your back hurts, your legs hurt, even your fingers hurt from all of the typing and note-taking you were doing the whole day. But at this point, all you really want to do is flop your now weak body on the bed, let your heavy eyelids close and drift you off to sleep, giving little to no care about changing from your work clothes which you are probably going to regret later on. You could say that today, specifically, has been a little rough on you. Your boss’ assistant turned out to be absent due to some sickness and because of that, you were the one who was assigned to take over most of her work. You thought it was just that, but during lunch, you accidentally bump someone and spill your mango juice on both of you. They were nice about it, saying that they had a spare shirt to change in their locker. However, you had to deal with the fact that your favorite dress shirt got a huge yellow stain that looked like someone had peed on you.

You thought it was just that, but it happened again. You then accidentally spilled the same mango juice on three of your papers, which you frantically fan with a thin notebook until someone offers you their mini hairdryer. It didn’t dry all the way, but it was enough to make the yellow splotch go away. Your overall summary of your day was just a pure mess, and you were just about to curse at the universe for making you suffer like this. 

Again, it’s 9pm and you were really tired. 

You wrap your hands around the doorknob, lazily pushing the door with your shoulder as you let out a sigh. A very familiar voice of a man immediately echoed through the apartment and you look up, only to see your favorite person, whose lips and eyes were formed into an upturned smile. You felt as if the heavy feeling in your body had been evaporated. 

You’d never expect to see Jimin at this hour being home earlier than you. He was placing some take-out boxes on the table and from what you’ve observed, it’s from your favorite restaurant. His brown hair was slightly ruffled and it looked like he’d just been woken up from a nap. You thought he looked adorable like that, his large, sleeved shirt that made his cute hands look like paws as he looks over to you with puppy eyes and that oh, so cute smile on his face. His crooked tooth peeking out a little. 

You immediately drop your things and tightly wrap your arms around his waist as if you hadn’t seen each other in a decade.

“Jimin!” you squeal, never letting go of his waist and you softly inhale as the smell of fresh laundry mixed with his scent hits through your nose. Your favorite.

“You really missed me that much, huh?” Jimin chuckles, his words slightly sounding heavy as he’d just woken up an hour ago. Bringing his right arm to place on your back, he pulls you closer to him.

“It feels like we haven’t seen each other in weeks,” your voice comes out a little muffled as your face is buried in his chest. You feel like crying, this week really has been pretty bad for you and finally getting to spend some time with your favorite person in the whole world has only been the good thing that’s happened. You try your best to let out a quiet sniffle, but Jimin heard it. 

“Oh my god, are you crying?” He immediately says, his voice laced with concern. “Baby..” he gently grabs your face to make you look up at him, his heart sinks when he sees you red-eyed and it’s clear that you were crying. 

“I’m sorry, today was just terrible, and,” you pause to sniffle, “I’m glad I came home to you.” you finished. You see Jimin looking at you with concern, “I know baby, I know.” he brings your face close to his chest again and embraces you tightly, placing his chin on top of your head as he sways both of you.

“I missed you too.” Jimin clarifies. “Let’s eat now, I’m hungry. Thank you for this.” you let go of his embrace, quickly helping set up the table and both of you take a seat, You start unwrapping your food and so does he, you take a huge bite and sigh in relief because finally, you haven’t eaten since lunchtime. You mentally thank god for having such a sweet boyfriend who never gets sick of you and your clingy-ness. Or maybe he is, he’s just good at hiding it. You thought. 

It’s 10pm and both of you are laying on the bed, your head comfortably rests against Jimin’s chest as his right arm tightly wraps around your shoulder for support, you could still smell his body wash as he had just gotten out of the shower after you. You’d trade everything if it meant you get to cuddle with him like this forever.

“What are you doing?” Jimin asks, looking over to your phone, curious to see what you’ve been watching on your phone because he noticed you’ve gone quiet and all he could hear was some music playing over and over again. The show playing on your shared TV had been long abandoned but neither of you feel like turning it off.

Jimin sees a woman, dancing to a song to what he guesses sung by an American artist named Doja Cat. “Oh wow, she’s good,” Jimin observed, being a dancer himself, he found the choreography pretty impressive, and if he were to learn it, he thinks he might even do it better. Or should he say, eat it up?

You start humming along with the song, suddenly, a light bulb in your brain lit up as you let out a gasp. Looking up at Jimin, he looks at you with curious eyes. “You think you can do this dance?” your lips form a smile.

“Who do you think I am?” he jokes, “I’m a dancer, of course, I can.”

“Do you wanna shoot a Tiktok video?”

“What do you mean, like, we dance to it?”

“Come on, it’ll be fun! Plus, I think you’d look hot.”

Jimin’s lips tugged in a smirk, “Hot?” this earns a laugh from you. “Yes! I think I’ve gotten a hang of it though, it’s pretty easy.”

Spending time with your boyfriend is and will always be enough to charge your energy battery. Even if it meant forcing him to film and dance to this random video you found while mindlessly scrolling through Tiktok. This was exactly what you and Jimin needed after those long stressful weeks, especially after you had a bad day today at work. Jimin had always told you how dancing is like therapy, and for once, you agree. Because this is so fucking fun.

“How did you know all the steps already? I’m still struggling a little,” you pursed your lips at him.

“Okay, well, try to follow my moves,” he repeats the dance but slowly, so you could easily mimic his movement. You start getting a hang of it, and you can’t help the heat flowing across your cheeks as Jimin gives you praises and you think if he’s like this when he’s actually teaching a student.

But right now, you’re his student.

Luckily, it didn’t take you long enough to master this dance so you immediately press record on your phone and dance along to the song, but as you were dancing, you mess up one move, “Ahh! No!” you let out a giggle and Jimin does as well.

You couldn’t care less about messing up, since this was just purely out of fun, plus, you’ve always thought he’d look sexy dancing to this song.

Your phone finishes recording and you quickly grab it as it shows the preview, showing both of you dancing and you cringe at the sight of you dancing and notice how your moves were slightly delayed and undetailed, unlike Jimin who moves as if he was the one who choreographed this dance. It was clear who was the real dancer between the two of you, he wasn’t even giving his full best, and yet, it still leaves you stunned and blown away. Regardless, you were definitely right about Jimin looking sexy while dancing to this song.

“Damn, look at you move!” Jimin teases as he watches the video over your shoulder, “You can tell I was struggling,” you said in between giggles.

“You did great babe, you look cute.” he nudges you, rolling your eyes in which earns a chuckle from him.

“I’m gonna upload this so our friends could see how cute we are.” you quickly type in your caption: “Roped him into dancing to this song with me 😌 @ParkJimin” you hit post and you wait for it to load and show up in your feed.

“We’re that couple, huh?”

“We’re that couple.”

The following morning, you wake up to the continuous ding! sound echoing throughout your shared bedroom, you could’ve sworn that it was just a part of a weird dream you were currently having, but no, that sickeningly annoying sound was no other than from your own phone. As your brain begins to realize what was happening around you, your red eyes immediately shot open, quickly bringing your hand over to the bedside table to grab your phone, you try to move quietly as you realize that Jimin was still sleeping peacefully beside you. You quickly take a quick glance at him, making sure your shuffling didn’t wake him up.

You open your phone to see about 500 notifications from TikTok.

You sit up as you quickly unlock your phone, confused as to why you suddenly have that many amounts of notifications when all you do in that app was scroll through your For You Page for hours until you find that one funny video that will make you sob from extreme laughter. Did someone hack your account perhaps? Is it a virus? You try to rack your brain but you were still too sleepy to remember anything from last night, and your body is also, pretty sore.

The moment you open the app, it hits you.

You made a TikTok with your boyfriend and it blew up.

It had 10 million views, 3 million likes, and 100 thousand comments.

What.. the fuck? How?

You quickly tap on your video and went straight to the comments, you were immediately met with comments from people thirsting for Jimin, your boyfriend. Your eyes widen as you scroll through them, some of them were straight-up sexualizing him, and a lot of them were comments about how he was too pretty for you, and how odd that you guys are together. Some were even arguing that you guys are probably siblings. What is wrong with these people?

Instead of feeling angry, you felt your heart sink as you scroll more and insecurity gushes through you. You were never the type to feel upset over anything like this, but lately, you’ve been feeling very sensitive and you never even thought that this one video of you guys dancing will have an impact on people like this. You only posted this for fun, so why were they so mean to you? And what do they know about your relationship to judge you like that, plus the audacity to say nasty stuff about YOUR boyfriend? Are you really that ugly? Should you tell Jimin? Should you just delete it? What if people start blowing up your DMs? What if-

“Baby?”

You immediately turn your head to see Jimin who was now awake, puffy-eyed, and pursed lips as he looks up at you, his knotted eyebrows mimicking yours. “What’s wrong? Why were you looking at your phone so intensely?” he innocently asks. You don’t say anything and just showed your phone to him, his eyes immediately squint from the brightness and the blurriness, realizing he still can’t see what you were showing to him, he swiftly turns to grab his eyeglasses from his side’s bedside table, he puts it on. All he sees are comments, but he’s confused. “What is that?”

“Our little TikTok video blew up, and people are being mean for some reason,” you answer.

“Huh? Wh-what do you mean?” he’s still confused, the drowsiness was still preventing him to be aware of what’s currently happening. “It went viral, I mean,” you look through the comments again with a scowl on your face and Jimin sits up, scooting closer to look over your phone. Suddenly, the realization hits him like a truck. “We’re famous?!” is what his first response was.

This made you laugh, “More like, you’re famous,” you hold up your phone to his face, “Everyone is hating on me. Look at these.”

You see his eyes quickly scan through the screen, a divot slowly beginning to form between his eyebrows as he begins to scroll. Suddenly, he grabs his phone from your hand, his thumbs were moving very quickly and you realize that he was replying to one of the comments, you saw his finger tap the send button. “Hey!” You grab your phone from his hands.

user1: There’s no way this pretty guy is with this.. whew anyways 😳

user2 replied: right like..

user3 replied: omg fr hes too pretty for her, look at the way he moves too

user4 replied: why u guys so mean theyre cute :/

user5 replied to user4: naur the girl ruining the video with her dancing lmfao

user3 replied to user5: BYEEEMFMGM

user2 replied to user5: FRR DOE LMAOOO i want a seperate video of him dancing woman he fine as helllll😩

YN replied: lol ok at least I get to suck his dick <3

Your eyes widens at his comment and you let out a gasp, “Jimin!” you slap his shoulder, to which he laughs. “What? It’s true! I’m just telling them who really owns me.” he rubs his shoulder, “That hurt, by the way.”

“Who really owns you?” this made your eyebrows rise and your mouth formed into an amused grin, you let out a laugh.

“Yeah, baby. I’m all yours. Always has been.” he clarifies with that shit-eating grin he sports everytime he acts all cocky and flirty around you. You playfully roll your eyes, trying to hide the fact that it still has an effect on you, it’s one of the things that made you fall for him, anyway.

“Now,” he grabs your phone once again and places it on the bed, but this time you don’t react. You watch him bring one of his legs over yours and sits on your lap so his legs were on either side of yours. A smirk visibly formed on his pretty puffy lips.

“We’ll deal with those people later, they don’t know what they’re talking about. For now, let me show you how beautiful you are to me.”

“Oh and,” he adds, “You look really sexy when you dance.”

“Oh, really now, Park Jimin?"

[hiraethparkers]

dating peter parker headcanon

a/n: this is my first hc i’m posting on here, i rlly love writing these so send requests if u want!!

so yeah enjoy this it’s fluff/crack (warning u for the chaos lmao)

best friends to lovers trope without a doubt

but anyways let’s just talk about ur adorable relationship

peter loves physical touch

not like inappropriate aksjskdjks

just like sweet n’ innocent

he loves holding hands

y’all know the thumb thing it’s so cute

yeah that

if you’re walking down the street thru nyc and stuff he always holds your hand

when you’re sitting next to each other like in class or something he’ll scooch over so ur knees are touching and it’s rlly little but it always makes you smile

he’s rlly protective

NOT IN A TOXIC WAY DW

like he loves you so much

and his superhero-ness

makes him want to just keep u safe all the time

but yeah he just wants to protect u

bc he’s on patrol and he knows how a lot of ppl are mean and cruel yk

so he wants you to be safe from all the bad ppl from the world

ok done w that mini rant

moving on next topic

he loves brushing your hair

it makes him happy so plz let him brush your hair

(that is if u have hair that can be brushed ofc but if not dw i got u luv)

no matter ur hair type HEAD KISSES

like the crown of your head

teeny delicate lil kisses that make your heart flutter

hugs are the most best thing ever

physical touch is his love language

hugs from behind when you’re making breakfast

hugs when he gets home from patrol

when he gives you a big hug he’ll kiss your head softly

KISSES

kisses kisses kisses

forehead kisses are probably his favorite

lil kiss on your forehead when you fall asleep and he promised aunt may he'd be home soon

when you haven't seen each other in a while

and yk adorable reunion

and then he'll just cup your face in his hands and kiss your forehead then your lips

he loves cute nicknames

babe is his personal favorite

but also lots of random cute ones

honey, love, lovely, gorgeous, darling, sweetheart, literally the list goes on

you two are so in love

the first time he says i love you it was on accident

it just slipped out

like on a date or something

OH OH I KNOW

you were stargazing

and he looks over at you and sees you laying there in the moonlight

and you look so beautiful

and he just says it

at first he’s thinking like “OH SHIT SHIT DID I MESS UP”

but then you smile at him and tell him you love him too

and you’re adorable and i love it

NEXT

alrighty

you’re so cute and i can’t get over it

you definitely do all those pinterest couple things

OMG HE LOVES FACEMASKS

not for corona lmao like skincare

your camera roll is full of cute selfies of the two of you and like half of them are both of you with facemasks on

he’ll send u random pictures throughout the day

like one of his breakfast and he’s like “y/n look i made toast today instead of just cereal 😃”

or like on patrol and he sees a cute dog he’ll send u a picture like “thought of u <3”

so yeah i think i’ll end this here it was kinda long

i hope u enjoyed

i love writing headcanons especially when i can make them chaotic lol so tell me if u like these and i’ll write more <3

click here to join my taglist!

submit prompts/requests here!

[winter-came]

i'm here to talk vanya :)

1. i don't think vanya has considered the harm it would do to her siblings when she published her book. one thing that stands out to me is how the hargreaves always thought the others had it better and failed to see their pain, luther thinking five was lucky to skip out on reginald's abuse and not taking his loneliness into account for example. in the same vein vanya thought she had it worst cuz she was left out, without considering the trauma her siblings were going thru. the tattoo scene demonstrated this mind-set quite clearly. so when she was writing that book, i don't think she knew just how much it would hurt her siblings, cuz she herself wanted desperately to get on that team.

2. a common theme with her three outbursts are betrayal. pogo, leonard and alison were all withholding information from her, the three people arguably the closest to her in S1. i think the reason why the fandom forgave her so easily for killing pogo and gave luther so much shit for locking her up is the reasons behind those actions. most ppl have experienced some sort of betrayal and the anger that followed, so it's easier to understand where she's coming from. luther for the last two episodes was being cold and calculating and extremely stupid, wanting to kill and abandon one of his siblings until the final scene, while this still makes sense from the character's pov, it's frustrating to watch as a viewer. (also i doubt vanya was fully aware when she was activating her power. when ben was inside her head in S2 she was crying in the corner asking "i'm doing it again aren't i", meaning she might not have full control over herself? and the younger version of herself that talked to her in the basement might be her darker side or whatever? idk but that would be my guess.)

3. i do agree that there is a bias towards vanya in the fandom, but i don't think it's totally unwarranted. when compared to her siblings vanya is the least calculating (maybe except for klaus) and while she did hurt ppl around her it's almost always not within her control (compare that to five or alison or luther) she is the most emotional amongst the siblings and that simply makes her more sympathetic. her story is also the easiest to relate to. very few of us know what it's like to live by ourselves for four decades or having to do substance abuse to shut out the dead, but most of us would at some point feel that we're not special enough, or that we're not loved by those around us. that might explain her popularity. that and Elliot Page.

thx for reading this. i want to hear ur thoughts.

When I saw this ask, my heart started beating real fast. I will try to properly answer each point.

1. I completely agree that Hargreeves have an annoying habit of undermining others' problems and thinking they had it better. E.g “You skipped out his golden years” ← Diego to Five. And yes, in the heat of the moment of writing the book she most definitely didn’t think about consequences. But if my math is correct, it was 5 years before the current time of the show. And yet, she still looked like a kicked puppy over it. And Diego was still maximally pissed off about it even after 5 years, so let’s assume what she wrote there was really beyond the line of decency. Even Ben was shocked to read it. And the unawareness of consequences does not excuse her. It is understandable but it doesn’t erase the fact she had no right.

2. Again, being hurt and acting out of betrayal and anger does not excuse her behaviour. I do completely get from where she was coming. However, if I in blind rage beat up someone, I would still be held accountable. Also it’s important to look at the way she killed Pogo and Leonard. That violence was and is part of her. Interesting thing you pointed out [and I will from now take in consideration] is that she might not be fully in control of herself in those moments. But it does not erase the fact she did it. And if we excuse Vanya killing Pogo out of hurt and betrayal, why don’t we excuse Luther for acting out of fear and unsureness? He did not lock her up out of malice but out of a drilled sense of need to protect his siblings. Vanya proposed a threat and he did not know better at the time. Yet you all were ready to crucify him and hug Vanya.

Also acting out of pain in a murderous way, I would like to point to Diego. Okay, he was not betrayed but he was hurt by Eudora getting killed. He sought revenge. Just like Vanya, we understand where he was coming from. But he did hold back at the end, not finishing off ChaCha. Vanya killed and slaughtered both Leonard and Pogo. There is no way to not acknowledge her darker side.

3. I do not agree on the fact she is the least calculating of the bunch. I would actually put her in third place. Following Five and Allison. Vanya seems timid and calm as long as everything goes her way. The moment it doesn’t? Shit happens.

Good example of it is the whole “Sissy and Harlan business.” Five very clearly explained to her why she can’t take them to present with her. And he did go out of his way to let her say goodbye. [even though it clearly caused him even more stress and there was no time for it].

What did she do? She ignored Five, stubbornly taking Sissy and Harlan with her and if they actually made it to the alley, I bet my ass she would fight Five in order to bring them along.

And I do get why a lot of people relate to her. Outsider, overlooked, undermined, neglected, shy to some degree. And she is empathetic. And she has the most relatable problems. BUT the moment someone crosses her, it’s over for them. And that needs to be taken into account. She is not harmless. She is not least dangerous. She does not need to be cooed. And surely she doesn't have to be so easily forgiven.

Your pain does not excuse your actions. You don’t get to play victim and hide after you do what you do. You don’t get to be a hypocrite.

I tried my best to explain my point of view. I’m sorry it took me so long.

[zwowow]

this might be very triggering so its fine if u dont do it, but kells self harming secretly and em finding out and kells thinks he’s gonna be mad but em is comforting instead

sorry for the ask, im the same anon that went thru a break up and it aint going well

tw: self harm 

I’m sorry my love, break ups are rough and it really sounds like ur goin thru it. sorry this took a while! but hopefully you’ve had time to heal a bit between sending this ask nd now. 

psa to all I’ve never self harmed, so i’m just hoping this captures the idk headspace? alright :/ 

He started when he was a teenager. That’s how long he’s been doing this shit. It’s fucking shameful that he hasn’t grown out of it in over a decade, but it’s also one of the only things that’s consistently soothed him. When weed isn’t enough to calm him, or shake him from a spiral of self-loathing, he always comes back to this. Not because it makes him feel better, but because it makes him feel something. 

He can focus on the pain and only the physical pain. His emotions, the real world shit he has to deal with, can fall to the side for a moment and he can revel in the hurt. The hurt that he has control over. 

That’s a part of it, too. Control. So much of the existential pain he feels is beyond what he himself can change. Everyone gets to have an opinion on him, and regardless if it’s good or bad, he has to know it and internalize it. He has no choice. Time moves on and he can’t control what his past self has done, but the regret eats him alive. His head spins when he thinks about all of the shit that’s wrong in his life that he no longer has the power to change. 

But the harm he does himself? Knowingly and methodically? It’s all controlled. He’s got it all under control. 

Or at least he did. Recently, he’s had the itch to hurt more and more frequently. There’s so much going on in his life that he’s no longer in control of even the one thing that makes him feel grounded. The old scars and fresh wounds are getting harder to hide. Even on his inked skin, raised bumps and sensitive bruises are easy to find when his boyfriend spends all of his time roaming his hands gently over his body. 

But Em can’t find out. Colson refuses to let him. He’d think Colson is pathetic (he is). He’d be disgusted by him (he should be). He’d hate him (but he couldn’t hate him more than Colson hates himself). 

He tries not to hurt himself around Em because of this, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. Sometimes he needs it. 

Colson sneaks out of bed one night at Em’s place while his boyfriend is sleeping. On his way out, he grabs his small bag that has just a few of the items he uses to hurt himself. His fingers shake around the bag and his breath quickens in his chest. 

Ain’t it funny that the shame he feels from doing this just makes him want to do it more? 

When he makes it to a bathroom far enough away from Em’s room that he doubts he would make the effort to find him all the way down here, he lays the bag on the counter and opens it up. 

This hadn’t started with the razor blades and lighters he keeps in the bag. He’s worked himself here from pulling out his leg hair and scratching his own arms raw just to feel the sting. The older and more well known he got, the more out of control he felt, and from there he made the jump from nervous ticks to genuine self harm. 

He used to starve himself, too. He thinks back to only a couple of years ago and picks up the lighter. He could go days without eating, even while on tour. There were times where he’d pass out after shows from the hunger, but he’d write it off to others as exhaustion. That had been one of the most pleasing ways to hurt himself. The gentle build up to physical depletion to match what he felt emotionally was fulfilling in a way he couldn’t possibly explain to anyone. 

And that’s why he stopped. Em started to catch on. He started to ask questions no one had asked before. He was obsessed with feeding Colson and keeping him healthy. 

Colson started eating regularly because Em would’ve hated to know his not eating wasn’t just absent-minded forgetting. He would’ve been so disappointed to find out it was deliberate starvation. Colson didn’t want to disappoint Em. 

He still doesn’t. Colson puts the lighter on the counter and takes out one of his blades, too. Em would hate to see this. He wouldn’t understand. 

Inhaling shakily through his nose, Colson looks between his two options for tonight. He leaves the blade on the counter and picks up the lighter. Em is sure to notice if he has a fresh cut. A burn is easier to hide. 

He flicks the lighter to life and is deciding where to hold it on his body when he hears the first knock. 

“Kells.” Shit. He loosens his grip on the lighter and the flame goes out. 

What is Em doing out of bed, and what the fuck is he doing down here?

“Kells,” Em tries again, “You good?” 

“I’m fine.” He lies. 

“Are you fucking smoking in there?” Outside, Em’s voice grows suspicious. He heard the lighter go on and now he thinks Colson is smoking weed in his bathroom. That would be easier to explain. 

After too long of a pause he says, “No.” 

Em doesn’t give a warning before he throws open the bathroom door. Colson wants to knock his head into the mirror for not thinking to lock it. He dives for the blade on the counter, but Em is staring right at it. 

“What the fuck?” Em looks between Colson and the counter multiple times. It’s a stupid overdramatic response, but he wants to slit his fucking wrists from that look. 

Em’s brow furrows. Colson feels sick to his stomach. Em is pissed at him. He’s disgusted by him. He doesn’t know whether to throw him out or call a mental hospital. He hates him. He must be so angry. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to find out. I was trying to hide it. I shouldn’t have done it here. I know it’s fucking sick. I know it’s fucking crazy to cut and burn myself, I know but I...” Excuses and apologies trip over each other running off of his tongue. 

“You’re cutting yourself?” Em interrupts him. His intense gaze sweeps over Colson. He’s not disgusted or angry like he’d thought. He’s shocked, confused, and even a bit hurt. 

“I... yeah.”

“Why?” A loaded question like that shoots Colson right through the chest. Why? He can hardly answer the question to himself, how is he supposed to explain it to Em?

Em said it himself, he was just clownin’ when talking about cutting himself, how fucked up does someone have to be to actually do that? Colson doesn’t want to explain to Em how fucked up he is.

When he doesn’t answer, Em looks back down at the blade and then at the lighter still in his hand. Kells sees the thousands of things he wants to say and the million questions he wants to ask in his eyes. Finally his eyes set, and Kells braces himself for the next thing to come out of Em’s mouth. 

“Don’t do that shit tonight, yeah? Just come back to bed.” The response shocks Colson even more silent than he’d been. Does he still want to know why, or is he just dropping it? 

As if reading his mind, Em shrugs, “You can tell me why when you’re ready. Tonight, I just want to cuddle your ass.” He holds out his hand to Colson and laces their fingers together tightly when he grabs on. Em tugs him gently out of the bathroom and down the hall back to his room. Colson leaves the lighter and the blade on the counter. 

When they’re back in bed, Em holds him differently than he has before, His arm feels weighted, it presses Colson gently down into the bed, unable to move from the hold. Em holds him from behind protectively and breathes into Colson’s neck. It’s so close it’s almost claustrophobic, but Colson wouldn’t pull away from it even if he could. The urge to hurt himself is immediately replaced by the need to burrow in closer to Em’s grounding touch. 

He falls asleep easily, letting the last of his shame and fear at Em’s reaction leave his body without a fight. 

In the morning, he goes to clean his stuff up in the bathroom, or to throw it away, but not to use it. When he gets there, the bag, the razor, and the lighter are nowhere to be found. Instead of being anxious at the loss, he feels a bit calmed by it. 

This isn’t the end. He won’t be able to stop hurting himself just because Em got rid of a few of his blades and one of his many designated lighters, but it is a start. 

Em knows now, he’s looking out for it. And if the way he always acts toward him, from the making sure Colson is eating to the cuddle last night is any indication, he’ll be there when Colson needs it. He’ll take care of him. 

[reversecreek]

clicks onto the dash wearing kitten heels n coyly holding my bang....... hi. me again. it took me so long to select a gif to use on cricket’s intro n i settled on this one bc he looks so unsure abt his smile n it’s rly his essence <3 u can find his pinterest board here n his (work in progress) spotify playlist here. hmu to plot!!! 

* alex wolff, cis male + he/him | you know cricket donahue, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, all of their life, on and off? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to should have known better by sufjan stevens like, a million times this year, which slipping on wet leaves to photograph a tree struck alight by lightning, delivering a tedtalk to your own reflection to hype yourself up to buy groceries, hiding your hands inside of your sleeves in case you grew an impromptu megan fox thumb overnight thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 1st, so they’re a libra, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt, she/her )

HISTORY:

cricket ws born to a couple tht lived in lilac ridge. their trailer was tucked closest to the woods n always fell under the shade. it was like the leaves wanted to pretend they were a perpetual hanging cloud on the family n that was kind of fitting. their only reason fr having him in the first place was a kind of shrugged like........... we’re under the income bracket we’d get child benefits so why not! may as well try it to rake in some extra cash! needless to say they didn’t rly think it thru or anticipate all of the responsibilities tht came w children n wound up seeing him as an extremely large burden n boy didn’t he know it!

(child neglect & abuse tw) i’ll try to keep this part vague n brief but things were Not Good for cricket growing up. people in lilac ridge didn’t like his parents n it was for a gd reason. he remembers foggy things. being little n wandering around combing the grass with a stick to search for wrappers to suck on bc he was hungry. feeling uneasy when the front door opened. finding out his name was cricket bc the insects used to crawl into their trailer thru the vents n his parents liked to squish them into the carpet -- his mum told him as much once. i think this says a lot. to excessively trim the fat of the story he wound up entering the system at around 8 after his latest and most serious hospital visit. his parents hd to deal w the authorities n last he heard they bounced to evade charges.

(anxiety & violence & trauma tw) cricket sustained a few lifelong injuries from his time in lilac ridge. his knee didn’t heal right which meant he had (n still has to this day) a limp n he’s partially deaf in one ear. he’s always been an incredibly insecure n anxious person so this mde him rly self conscious going into a strange n new environment tht wld b difficult fr any kid to adjust to, nvm w these added worries. he jst felt like something weird to ogle at honestly. he probably wld have felt like that no matter where he was or what he looked like. he cld be in a huge hall of 200 people all wearing the same uniform n he’d still feel like the odd one out. needless to say this didn’t rly help him make friends

cricket’s coping mechanisms were romanticising the things tht other people found ugly or embarrassing or painfully ordinary. he liked it when the rain hit clunky drops against school windows n forbid everyone from playing outside bc he could feel the vibrations through the rubber soles of his shoes n it was a little bit like hearing all of the world at once fr just a moment. he liked medieval fantasy lore about stout gnomes w crumbs in their beards n cheeks red from ale. he liked fallen nests with the remnants of hatched eggs still dirty from the branches n soil they’d hit on the way down. he liked the way the sunlight leaked thru the leaves of the trees in the woods and how, when he sat very still, he could tune into the ringing that was always in his ear n pretend it was coming from the same place, that light thru the leaves, that the angels were trying to talk to him.

he spent a lot of time in the red room at his high skl (i’m begging u this is not a 50 shades reference) (after googling i jst realised it’s called a darkroom bt i’m leaving this fr the sake of sexy bimbo authenticity) n felt quite at home in there. he borrowed a camera whenever he cld (maybe he did yearbook) n photography became his way of immortalising the world as the romanticised version he wanted it to be. his memories were bad bt his photos were beautiful. maybe if he took enough they’d paste over n bleed into each other. maybe bad cld be replaced w beautiful if he tried his very best.

he got placed into fostering w a family once bt apparently didn’t meet the vibe check of their tastes so he wound up returning to the group home he’d initially been placed in. overall this is where he grew up n he aged out the system rather than getting adopted. there was a sense of floundering/isolation/not feeling gd enough in tht bt cricket made do the best he knew how. 

that said there were some gd points! (shocking i kno bc his life hs been so fking bleak so far bt please it’s ok........) (is it?) (🤔). basically he interned as an assistant at this local photography studio during high skl working under this kind of whimsical yet endearing old man. suspected wizard possibly in cricket’s eyes, as an avid fantasy genre reader. for one of his bdays said old man / his boss bought him his very own film camera n cricket cried bc he’d never been bought a bday gift. this ws rly embarrassing bc this old man didn’t know how to emote n neither did cricket so he ws jst sort of sat wiping his eyes n sniffling saying he wasn’t crying as the old man pretended to suddenly clean his lenses. when cricket graduated he offered him a full time position there. they do like. wedding photographs n family portraits n all kinds of things...... pay isn’t huge bt it’s something n he Loves taking photos so it’s sexy <3

PERSONALITY:

SUCH an anxious person it’s actually unreal. overthinks absolutely everything he’s ever said. one morning he might hv put green socks on n for the rest of the day he’s nervously looking around like omggggggg they’re all looking at my socks probably thinking im a little green sock boy thinking i’m a fool n a jester this is all everyone’s probably thinking about i hv to hide my green socks..... even tho literally no-one cares

once saw a girl eating a chicken wing n in his head was like ok she likes chicken good future gift idea..... n turned up at her house with an entire rotisserie chicken

probably thinks WAY too hard abt what to write in bday cards n googles like generic ideas that he can use.... u open a card from cricket n it always says smthn weird like “Warmest wishes and love on your birthday and always!” or “You deserve everything happy. Wishing you that all year long!” tht he got off google

nervously fiddles w things a lot. literally anything. his hair. the cuffs of his sleeves. a thread on his bag. u name it

struggles w eye contact sometimes............ it’s like. he wants to talk to ppl n make friends bt he’s honestly so bad at it. he’s fumbling thru life like a nervous headless chicken

ALWAYS has his camera on him. like always. will tke a photo of u bc he thinks u look nice then be like im so sorry im so sorry...... bowing his head shakily holding his camera bc he doesn’t even kno what possessed him he jst thought it’d be a nice photograph bt boundaries exist. probably breathes very heavily over this later in his room panicking thinking he nw seems like hannibal lecter

probably more confident online bc he has time to think abt what he says more.......... i can see him hving a group of online friends tht he’s more confident w. honestly he’s pretty witty at heart he jst has a hard time verbalising things so ppl overlook him sometimes bt once u get to know him more / he’s more comfy he can b a funny little man.....

loves photographs where he cuts something out of them. loves missing spaces n voids. thinks it’s a rly interesting concept when something that isn’t there becomes the focus of a photograph where everything else is. probably loses his mind fr a collage like a front row 1d stan. likes experimenting w light n perception. pretty artistic honestly hs probably made a stop motion film in the past bc that’s just an extended form of photography in his mind bt i doubt he showed anyone

ummm...... very sweet bt like. he reminds me a lot of this quote. “he had the awkward tenderness of someone who has never been loved and is forced to improvise.” feel like tht sums him up quite nicely

WANTED CONNECTIONS

someone he met at a wedding: cricket probably ws forced to photograph a wedding fr his boss one time n it cld b interesting as a place to meet from that....... like. i can imagine either it being rly awkward maybe he accidentally spilled a drink on ur muse n was stuttering rly apologetic n it ws just a train wreck. or mayb they took pity on him or even (in a shocking turn of events) a shine to him n invited him to drink n dance. omgggg the thought of cricket trying to dance makes me wna die n probably mkes cricket wna hyperventilate bt idk maybe he went wild n let loose. mayb they wound up damaging the camera somehow. mayb they had to scramble to get another one n ur muse covered the cost n it was a strange late night excursion tht cricket thought about a lot since. cricket probably vowed to pay them bk somehow no matter what. idk. we can work things out. lots of diff options here. doesn’t have to b a wedding either can b any event tht required a photographer

ppl he went to school w: pretty self explanatory i suppose...... maybe they were frm completely different worlds..... mayb ur muse was popular n cricket was definitely not but they got paired fr an assignment n had to work on a project together....... mayb cricket asked ur muse on a date one time n it was completely embarrassing bc he didn’t realise they had a bf n it haunts cricket at night still bc he’s rly dramatic.... mayb ur muse felt sry fr him n ate lunch w him n inducted him into their group like a lost puppy finding a home.... world’s our oyster

neighbours from his brief time at lilac ridge: not to reference taylor swift but i’m gna reference taylor swift n say we cld do a seven inspired plot here. sighs a little..... then sighs a lot. he was here ages 0-8 so idk. we cld work out childhood plots perhaps....

sickening simp: i mean.............. cricket probably gets crushes on ppl so easily like just. anyone who’s the slightest bit nice to him.................. he’s a disgrace. ok i take it back. bt also please get it together freak............... i didn’t say that. he’d probably b extra nice to this person n try n pay close attention to things they liked so he cld get them little gifts. just a bit embarrassing n lovestruck bless his heart. wldn’t expect anything back tho honestly that just isn’t something he tends to do.

let’s go gays: cricket’s bi but he probably was rly in his head abt liking boys n tried to sort of squash it internally during his younger yrs...... i think he’s more comfy w it now MAYBE idk bt back then i picture him having a friend tht ws kind of like. similarly loserish as him perhaps (no offence to ur muse potentially filling this plot or cricket bt let’s face the facts) n they’d hang out n play games a lot n one time it jst kind of happened n he was like............. *struts in looking around sharply* What going on here? except not. bc it’s cricket. more like *shambles in looking around anxiously* What’s, uh... What’s... the happenings? S--... I’m sorry. (immediate apology for saying what’s the happenings bc nobody talks like that n it was an impulsive panic bc he didn’t know what else to say)

those who grew up in the system w him: maybe at the group home or i’d also like the family that fostered him n said sayonara. honestly i imagine the parents just thought he ws a bit too much of a handful / had too much baggage which is rly quite merciless n terrible but. if u think that aligns w ur muses home situation hmu......

um. can’t think of more bt just anything honestly. jst go wild.......

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

asks (26)

@spickerzocker​ said:

hey there! just a heads up that i tried to click on the "why i don't ship" explanation link in your faq and it says that there is no post with that url/it's generally broken. also your "a conversation about recovery" thing is beautiful and hurts in the best way and i love it. have a nice day!

Yes, I intentionally took that link down awhile ago, and last night I went and updated some of the tabs on my blog. Here are my basic thoughts:

I wrote that link years and years ago, while I was first navigating the internet and while I was still figuring out important things about my own identity and opinions. I ran my blog differently back then, but by the end of the first few months, I knew I was uncomfortable with shipping. 

As people began to interact with me and my work, I told them over and over again no, I don’t want to talk about that, and I don’t want to write about it, and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t think that was a common position to take at the time, so it wasn’t what people expected from me. 

During those years, I felt like I had to justify myself and give a valid explanation. I wrote that post explaining why I had that boundary, and I put it in a place where anyone could find it.

I said no when people asked, let them make jokes about it, and made jokes about it myself in response. As time went on I got more and more exasperated when I had to repeat myself. I wrote definite rules into my ask box, request tab, and FAQ. People still asked. I wrote it into my description. People still asked. 

The truth is yeah, there’s a pretty simple explanation for my discomfort. It makes sense. It’s easy to understand, and most folks think it’s a “good enough” reason to leave me alone. The difference between young-me and current-me is that I no longer feel the need to justify myself. 

None of y’all need to know why I set the boundaries that I set. My explanation isn’t relevant, and I’m not obligated to give it. I said no. That’s enough. 

I think a good number of folks remember my explanation from the past, and I don’t mind that at all. There may be a time where I talk about it again, in a more appropriate context, so I guess we’ll see.

That’s a lot of information in response to a very helpful ask. Thanks! The link is gone now, and I’m so pleased that you enjoyed the fic :)

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Anonymous said:

U suck

Kenza sent this anon as a joke. She’s right, and I thank her. 

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Anonymous said:

I'm a doctor and ive seen it all.....but the milk fic made me gag

Excellent

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@wingedskyes said:

Ah. Wait. I wasn't on anon....uhm. oh well. It's fine. I like milk and am not ashamed. 😆

I don’t think I received another message from you actually, but I too like milk and I’m glad we’re on the same page

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@thelittleredheadedmusician said:

To add to the milk discussions: my best friend from home and best friend from college have each finished a gallon a milk by themselves within 2 days.

I do that too, every once in awhile. When the milk craving hits it’s a gallon a day

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Anonymous said:

"TIM! POUR HIM. A GLASS OF M A L K!"

Hold on I have to google some things

Yeah this is funny

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Anonymous said:

I have read that milk fic three separate times and every time I’m laughing just as hard as Tim and dick by the end it’s just so excellently executed and builds so perfectly that by the time dick cracks I’m ready to go too and I just lose it it’s amazing I love it

Awww anon I’m so pleased :)

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@the-smartass-under-the-mountain said:

Just wanted to drop by and say your recent fic with Tim antagonizing Damian with increasingly outrageous milk concoctions had me giggling. It was so cute and refreshing to see Dick enjoying Tim's little prank. And Bruce's reaction to just... walk away was fantastic!

Thank you! I’m always so thrilled when y’all think the jokes hit

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@njtheboywonder​ said:

I havnt really enjoyed a fic in years, but i stopped to read ur fanfic with tim drinking milk just to fuck w dami amd it made me smile. Thanks, for writing it.

Oh that warms my heart <3

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@bruciewayneisbatman​ said:

Tim Is totally the guy who would drink ridiculous amounts of dalgona coffee to annoy damian, according to that fic.

Had to google that one, but I guess so huh

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Anonymous said:

(diff anon) but that birthday fic was so good oml and you have opened my eyes as to the batfam in quarantine this is such a Concept

We’re all here dying..... together...

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Anonymous said:

Happy birthday! 🎉 or belated! 🎂 thank you for being in the fandom. 😊

&

Anonymous said:

To anon! Sorry. I forgot to add that! Anyway, thanks to them we get a lovely fic. I hope you have many more birthdays! 😊

Message for you anon

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Anonymous said:

Your writing gives off good vibes

Hear that guys I “passed my vibe check.” Is that what the youth say these days? I am an elder now and I do not know

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Anonymous said:

finding your blog while being relatively new to batman fandom is such a bliss. your batfam content especially is *chef's kiss* amazing.

Thank you my darling :) I’m glad you’re here

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Anonymous said:

Best line in a fic? Hard to pick just one, but this particular one from "Just Desserts" by fyeahbatmanandrobin on Tumblr is one of my faves: “Anyone else would be hard-pressed to provide the particular brand of excitement you bring to my life, Dami.”

&

@noisypaintersong​ said:

For the line thing: "I don't doubt it. Bruce Wayne, the unexpectedly normal guy wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a superhero wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a fake socialite wrapped in a businessman wrapped in a secretive billionaire." He paused. "…You're the seven-layer burrito of Gotham," he pondered. - Barry to Bruce in 'Of Friends and Foes' by Paganpunk2 on FFN. It's one of the funniest things I've read someone say to Bruce LOL

& 

@kirakats​ submitted:

&

Anonymous said:

“I do know that according to everyone else, there is no chance, no future, no universe where I stay a hero.” Describes my frustration with the way DC treats Damian so accurately. Let the kid be a hero dammit.

Thanks! That’s really helpful. I’ve got a decent answer to my question now. 

@kurawastaken​ submitted:

So this is Kenza retaliating against me for the milk fic. I very much hate tomatoes and specifically ketchup. This photo (1) is a nightmare and (2) fulfills its intended purpose.

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Anonymous said:

I love your blog!!!

And I love you 

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Anonymous said:

quick question: how do you think jason reconciles with the fam?? i think in the comics they kinda just reboot and now he’s on better terms. but like what conversations happened, yknow??? (you’re doin great work by the way, it rips out my heart but it’s great)

This is an amazing question, and I’ll be thinking about it for the next bit, I think. That would be a really interesting topic to explore in depth

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@angel-gidget​ said:

*hugs you real tight* would you please send this to the first 10 people in your dash? Make sure someone gets a hug today and stay safe!

Oh thank you for the hug <3

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Anonymous said:

I hadn’t been aware of that Memphis petition, but I live in Memphis too (Altho I know you said you just grew up there so you may not be living here currently haha) so ig I just wanted to say thanks for bringing it to my attention!

!!!

I’ve been in Texas for six years now, ever since I started school, but I’m still in and out of Memphis for family purposes. Love the trash heap of my birth 

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@damianwaynerocks​ said:

hey! any chance you know of any other dc heroes around damian’s age?

Sure! You could try Billy Batson, Jon Kent, or Maya Ducard

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Anonymous said:

hi! i don't know if it's okay to leave anons like these but ive been feeling down because my country has passed a bill that deprives us of lots of human rights freedom and i want you to know that i just found your blog through the damian/bruce + justice fic and it comforted me. im slowly going thru your works and so far they are all comforting. i love your stuff, thank you.

Philippines? I’ve heard some things, and I’m real sorry y’all’re going through that. I don’t know that there’s anything I could say about that to help, but I hope you’re finding joy somewhere

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@awesomeness-ofgaybitches​ said:

Tumblr hates you. The links in your bio and to your fic masterlist don't work on mobile. I'm sorry.

FUCK

[machine-gun-casie]

The New Years Fic Writers and Readers Ask Game

i wasnt tagged but i really wanted to do this so here it is!

What was your biggest writing/reading achievement this year?

im glad that im still writing in the first place tbh. ive read more fanfic this year than i have in my entire life for obvious reasons. but im glad i finally wrote an angst piece for the first time in my life. also almond poppy see muffins is my literal child (as well as @enchantedamusedslightlyconfused ‘s, we co-parent)

What did you learn about yourself as a writer/reader this year?

i learned that my reader inserts are more of me inserts and that isnt necessarily a bad thing considering i mostly write for myself, i had just never thought of that. also slightly nsfw but i learned that reading smut makes me sleepy?? so i started reading smut before bed lol

Did you dive into something familiar or try something new this year?

familiar: yeah fluff is like a go to for me in whatever fandom. new: DEFINITELY i started writing for kells in 2020 (can you believe) and i also started writing for spencer reid :) many nice new things

Share a comment (if a writer) or story (if a reader) that lifted your spirits this year?

i love every comment people leave me (i also read all the tags) and i compile all the ones that i like to look back on with the tag #beautiful people on my blog, but ive also been told by a couple different people that they re-read my stuff which is insanely mind boggling so yeah

as for stories theres two mgk ones i go back to whenever im going thru a rough time: fit by my side by @angrylizardjacket and vegas run by @harringtonstudios

as for criminal minds, ive got my bookmarks on ao3 for my favs on there but my ultimate favorite writers are @reidscanehand and @write-orflight who are only on tumblr as far as i know so i felt like i need to include them :) anything these two writers post i will read no questions asked 

What are you grateful for?

in general? being alive and healthy. but a lot of good things happened to me this year (as well as some really really shitty stuff but oh well). the best thing that happened to me this year no doubt was meeting @enchantedamusedslightlyconfused i love you with my whole heart jordan 

im also grateful for kells, he helped me in a way no artist ever has. if u had asked me a year ago if i even liked rap i would have laughed in ur face i kid you not. he changed me along with so many things this year and i truly feel like im the best version of myself that has ever existed

im also eternally grateful for content creators, musicians and youtubers and designers, but specifically fandom content creators. if ur reading this and u r one, know that i am so grateful for you.

and my nephew. he cute as fuck.

Have your style (writer) or tastes (reader) changed this year?

im not entirely sure? i feel like with every piece i write i get better. in the sense that its a bit more realistic than when i first started writing. i know my fluff pieces are insanely fluffy and out of reach and very fan girly i truly understand, but it used to be so much worse. so overall i feel like my writing has gotten more realistic, which im proud of.

as a reader, i hoped i could see the appeal of angst this year but i dont think i ever will.

What’s the first thing you want to read or write this year?

i dont think i wanna have writing/reading goals this upcoming year. 2020 was the worst year of my life, but just cuz the clock struck midnight on the 31st doesnt mean that the shit show is over. so i hope that if i do continue writing this year, i do it when im ready. 

Anything new you want to try in 2021?

writing wise (again if i even do keep writing this year), maybe work on some ocs. ive never done that before. itll probably still be incredibly self indulgent but something new. and possibly write a few more soulmate!au’s because those bring me such joy

Do you have any fic resolutions?

i hope i never feel pressured to write anything this year.

im tagging @enchantedamusedslightlyconfused @angrylizardjacket @harringtonstudios @storiesforallfandoms @uhuhuh and if u werent tagged and u want to do this i genuinely mean it when i say consider urself tagged by me and tag me in ur post!!

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issues 4&5

its delphi time babey

I'm sorry but drift & co look like such fuckin nerds on their scooter things on the cover lmaooo

oh god. seeing the first page just reminded me of how horribly confused i was for this whole little arc the first time i read it. i was like ok, who are all these new characters, and also why does everyone look so similar

anyways now i now what's going on. i love first aid

love the running continuity of rung being the literal only psychologist on cybertron (except for fr*id but that's later). no wonder everyone's fucked up they all have to share a single therapist 

ok i find it extremely funny that first aid was demoted from doctor to nurse, as if that's a thing that happens EVER - I mean it'd be one thing if first aid was a nurse practitioner (which i doubt is a position that exists here), at least that demotion would make sense, but like...the doctors i work with don't know how to do most nurse stuff (like BP, cathing, vaccinations, hell even using some of the thermometers - that's all stuff nurses/etc do), so demoting one to a nurse would be a disaster (just like promoting a really good nurse to a doctor would be a bad idea). anyways i know I'm being pedantic but it Be like that when you work in the medical field and read something that has medicine-related stuff in it

i love swerve giving ratchet the tiniest free drink ever lmaooo

is that skids being a rowdy drunk in the bg lmaoooo

unironically i love medical statistics. keep it comin

i love magnus’s giant sternal chestpiece thing. its like a bird’s sternum but without the massive pec muscles attached 

i love magnus and rodimus’s dynamic so much

oh pipes....im so sorry but this fun space adventure is going to be not so much fun for you

ratchets ideologies are certainly interesting, and i liked seeing how they changed over the course of the story

drift: why would i be SCARED of the DJD, I've got a SWORD, two swords even,

hvbhajkhfbsdjkf pipes really said ‘oi, you two - what's this, then?’ that's the most british fucking thing, that's literally something i say when I'm doing an overexaggerated british accent, oh my god,

PIPES IS SUCH A TINY DUMBASS. ILY SIR BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING

aaaand now you're covered in dead bodies, pipes. look at your life, look at your choices

drift epic sword moments

drift confirmed for the kinda weird guy who has katanas that he uses to like, cut up fruit and water bottles in his backyard while rodimus films him

‘i thought i heard...bickering’ lmaooooo

ah, so its covid

this arc is how i feel working in healthcare lmaooo especially now that i probably have covid 

so rewind condensed the entire war into an 11 second long cringe compilation. nice

seeing the mechanical stuff past tailgate’s visor is so cool

poor tailgate, this guy is getting slammed with history from multiple sides. and like, bias is inevitable in ANY sort of recounting of events, especially controversial historical events, so poor tg just kinda has to take it all in and decide who to listen to 

that’s...not really how immunity works, guys. also, you shouldn't be exposed to so much disease with proper ppe usage

is there even such thing as ppe in the transformers universe?? there are fluid- and contact-transmitted illnesses, so there SHOULD be

is there even OSHA in this universe??????? unbelievable 

first aid, holding a giant fucking claw clamp: we haven't tried EVERYTHING............

first aid read a human wikihow article on how to jumpstart a car and took notes 

i love tailgate’s ‘mom says its my turn on the xbox’ pose 

tailgate has a point - he’s from pre-war times, where things weren't as grey so of course he would try to divide the two sides into ‘good guys’ and ‘bad guys’

CYCLONUS BE NICE DONT HIT UR FUTURE HUSBAND

go get some character development and then maybe you'll feel better

seeing the word quarantine is making me twitchy w/my possible month-long complete isolation quarantine on the horizon

drift pulling his swords on pipes and ratchet pushing down drift’s arms...lmao

poor pipes...even tho this is completely his fault, its still rough

also jesus, pharma and ratchet look so goddamn similar, reading this was so confusing the first time around 

drifts idea of subduing pipes involves turning into a cool car and also posing with his sword

also. never gonna be over drift’s massive thighs. jesus man

ooof now drift has the rona. ouch 

poor drift, his covid realization is getting overshadowed by pharma being flung around

first aid bustin thru w/the epic medical nipple clamps and some Big Boi Backup

ok that's an epic pre-beatdown speech from fort max right there, daym 

im just gonna continue on w/issue 5 now for continuity’s sake. yay!

the cover of tailgate in magnus’s autobot school is so cute

and we open with an incredible shot of fort max str8 up ripping a guy in half. i mean, to be fair, he DID just give an epic speech about how much he was gonna do that, and he certainly followed thru

yeahhhhh, fort max is not doing so well atm

when he puts that dudes head in his chest vent thing and then snaps it shut....man 

also i fucking LOVE when their faces are shaded all in black w/only the eyes/mouth fully drawn...fantastic stuff

ratchet: phew i am not equipped to deal w/this level of Fucked Up Mental Trauma. u good m8?

ratchet is already writing up a referral to rung for fort max as this is happening

drift is just laying on the ground dying like, oh hey yeahh I'm still here too 

i fucking love when punctuation is drawn in story - like here where first aid has a little ? over his head....fav

ratchet holding drifts hand ;_; 

ok tbh ambulon having switched sides 10 yrs ago is wild bc like, 10 years is barely any time for these guys, especially in a war that lasted 4 million years. that would be like a human switching sides in a war like, 3 months before it ends. probably. i sense some math bs, I'm just extrapolating here

all that mexican standoff shit is going down and first aid is just like But That's None Of My Business

ah so ambulon is an asymptomatic carrier 

and there's first aid with the save! iconic

pharma calling ratchet ‘buddy’ hbvakjdsbfhkasdf

ooooh i love that they figured it out - and i love that twist, that transforming is what triggers the start of symptoms. remember when drift turned into a cool car? yep

s/o to Ambulon Transformers for helping me in my medical terminology courses, bc now ill always remember: Leg(tm)

also this explanation makes a ton more sense (in universe, at least) than the whole ‘i guess we as medical staff have been exposed to enough Germz that we’re more immune to this or something’ theory 

ah, i love the meaningless (to me) alien robot medical jargon 

drift and ratchet hhhhhhhhh

‘I'm too wide’ fort max L O R G E

also once again drift is forgotten in favor of a bunch of other dramatic stuff happening vbhjksdfbjhskdf

godddd i love tailgates little flashbacks where we see how Important and Special he is, complete with his ‘bomb disposal’ arm label...augh its so good! 

and tailgate’s autopedia page even reflects his lies! like, did tailgate go edit that first thing upon waking up??? seriously, I'm fascinated by tailgate’s meticulous dedication to his fake life

also the fact that ultra magnus believes everything he read on autopedia is amazing lmao

ultra magnus: you think somebody would just go on the internet and tell lies? 

fuckgin love magnus’s long ass name/title placard 

tailgate hvbahjkdfbjhaskf i mean, he’s gotten the abridged version of everything else, of course he would assume that’d be the case here too...but not on magnus’s watch

magnus cant even say ‘fun’ hvukdasdbjfkjsadf i love my uptight law dad

love rung implying that upon questioning, he would easily divulge a patient’s name and maybe even information about said patient’s treatment while under him....love the disregard for patient confidentiality and hipaa in general 

not that hipaa seems to exist here, at least not in a fully realized form 

also i mean the above genuinely, i think rung’s tendency towards at least slight malpractice is very interesting 

poor red alert....super bad luck that HE was the guy to get roped up in that overlord business 

I'm glad that, at the very least, red alert was able to prove that he was Actually hearing something to rung, rather than get brushed off completely 

god magnus and tailgate’s interactions are golden 

also tg is much more sarcastic/quippy than anyone gives him credit for tbh

‘thought warfare,’ ultra magnus says with complete seriousness. god i fucking love this comic

now i can tell pharma apart from ratchet bc pharma has let his true Petty Bitch nature emerge and you can see it in his expressions

the whole ‘tarn is addicted to transforming’ thing didn't really go anywhere, right? i feel like i noticed that on my second readthru as well 

also pharma is such an interesting character given the context of him like, trying to strike a bargain w/the djd to keep them from destroying delphi, but that arrangement inevitably kinda making him lose it as the situation escalates. he’s also just really entertaining bc i feel like he kins the joker or st and probably gets into really heated arguments w/people on twitter about just abt anything

‘sound bomb’ i love this comic

another important facet of pharma’s character becomes clear around this time as well - how he’s really into ratchet. i also choose to read them as awful exes tbh, it makes their dynamic even more entertaining

‘killmaster, with the wand’ is one of my favorite running remarks lmao

also, was killmaster even a character before mtmte? or, if he was, was he an important one? it would crack me up the most if he literally didn't exist at all, but any way you spin it is still funny 

ratchet’s tiny humansona facing off against pharma is wild

‘I'm miles from anyone i truly care about’ brutal, ratchet, drift is dying like 2 floors away (im p sure)

SUDDENLY DRIFT IS HERE, ACTUALLY 

oh don't worry first aid, that sure isn't the last we’ll be seeing of pharma 

so like, did first aid save everyone by posting that data log to his wreckers fan blog or something? lmao love it 

i love the pretty fucked up reveal of ratchet having stolen pharma’s hands. like, damn dude. 

and that wraps up the delphi arc! our first true ‘arc’ of mtmte, and a fantastic one at that. short and snappy and fresh, with some very clever writing and cool new characters, and a lot of great plot threads to be picked up later. plus, we got to see the beginnings of drift and ratchet’s whole thing (and ratchet and pharmas whole thing). and the lost light gets some much needed extra medical staff, so everyone wins! 

well, we’ll see how fort max feels about this all pretty soon.....

[dolphin-enthusiast]

hello there my apricot! ☀🍄💗 oh goodness, what a long day it's been! it's good to see you darling!! i hope you're well today,, and it seems like we both have the same problem with waking up so late... ahh that warrants a nap day for the two of us in the future hm?? 😉 (1/7)

"despite today's slight negativity, i must say that you all never fail to cheer me up with your antics,, all of these kind things about me being "charming" and "flirty" and such... i could never! i actually never realized i was so bold in everyone's eyes!! ah that is embarrasing, no? (2/7)

😅 i don't normally flirt with people this much, as far as i can tell at least,, i didn't even realize this at all!!! i always thought of it as me just saying what's on my mind hehe, you must be very special then morgy!! always finding your way into my thoughts, you are clearly the charming one here! 😖❤ (3/7)

ooh, and oh my gosh!! gundhanon's art and those picrews,, so cute!!! everyone never ceases to amaze me with their sheer creativity,, all of the things everyone thinks up and creates makes me so happy!! thank you all for taking the time to do these little things 💓 (and gundhanon my dear, your art is so pretty, even if you doubt yourself 💖) and morg my dear, you seriously flatter me,, saying that you'd watch over me through my narcolepsy,, amore you are too sweet!! i don't deserve you 🌺 (4/7)

i saw an anon mentioned the song sleep thru ur alarms?? i thought i was the only one who knew that song!! it's actually the one of the only songs i can always cry on the spot to without fail ^^; it's nice to see that someone else knows it! (5/7)

today was filled with work under the hot sun, it greatly exhausted me but i was able to relax with my cats afterwards,, they were extremely cuddly for some reason! i was also able to practice my singing with some old french and italian songs since i went alone to the bunnies today,, they really seemed to enjoy it, one even sat in my lap while i sung!! 🌟 (6/7)

other than that, my day was quite frustrating and boring,, but i bet tomorrow will be better! after all, you can't have sunshine without rain!! (7/7̶ 8)

mamma mia, i feel my eyes closing as i type... i guess it's time for bed then hehe!! i apologize for the shortness of today's writing,, i think it's the lack of good sleep hitting me 😅 sleep well love, i'll be thinking of you! see you next morning 💘 - hugs and kisses from the dreamland, waifu xoxo 🌺☁🌠💖😘 ps: tipsy video game night sounds fun, lets add it to the list~ 👀❤ (8/8)"

Sounds like u had yet another full-ish day darling....i myself literally drew all day to the point where i got a headache shshxh

But again ofc ppl say nice things its only natural when ur so kind hearted as u are?? Kindness attracts kindness yknow and if anything i def had a feeling u werent the flirty type IN GENERAL so the fact that im the target of all of ur little remarks specifically makes me👁️👁️👁️👁️👁️

We really do b twinning with our wack schleep schedules (almost since my dumbass doesnt even schleep at night) and its why i would undoubtedly watch over u and ur narcolepsy as i stated before 👀 but ur def right we will have a tipsy videogame/marathon night o n g o d