#when she says paul suffered the same thing as her

[thestarsarecool]

Does [Ono] feel close to McCartney?

“I think it’s a very strange situation. We were kind of like stuck with a situation for 30 or 40 years, so we understand each other—let’s put it that way. What he said in Esquire [Paul complained about how Yoko used to say he only booked the studio and Lennon-centric revisionism], I think he’s really right. I mean, he must have suffered a lot, just like I suffered more or less the same thing in a way. So I understand. I’m sympathetic to him for having all sorts of pain. Most people think that Paul or me should not have any pain at all because we are so privileged. But it’s not true. The degree of pain is always there.”

Does she feel they need to forgive each other in some way?

“No, no. We had to come to terms with the past in some way. Both of us are pretty self-sufficient in that sense.”

Yoko Ono in Daily Beast, 2015

[rockrosethistle]

I'm thinking about the implications again.

The numbers that the hive mind performs aren't random. Both the lyrics and the choreography will often boil down to to one purpose: to cause pain. (Pokey is ruthless.)

Sometimes it's physical, and that's easy to spot. The cops spend half of their song just kicking and pushing people to the ground. Join Us And Die literally ends with Ted getting beat up.

And when the choreography doesn't allow for it, the lyrics are specifically trying to elicit an emotional response. The hive uses Alice to torment Bill. He's watching someone he loves die in front of him. It does the same for Charlotte.

Okay, the hive gets a kick out watching people suffer. That's not new information. But the implications...

Look at Inevitable. It's a pretty significant shift from the rest of the numbers. Whereas those seem tailored for pain and fear, Inevitable seems to be comforting? Just look.

Paul walks out, and the first thing he does is hug Emma. Which doesn't seem significant at first, but think: Did Bill get that same courtesy?

Alice's first line is meant to taunt Bill. Paul's is almost consolatory; " Emma / I'm sorry / you lost." I won't dissect this completely, the theory is that this first line is genuine. Paul is actually sorry that their plan failed.

And when you take a look at the choreography, it becomes clear that it's a lot kinder than the other songs.

We see Paul waltzing with Emma and kissing her hands. And even though he's not letting her get away, he's not trying to hurt her. He's not even trying to intimidate her. He's shown more than once bending down--getting on her level, like you would to a child--as opposed to towering over her.

The lyrics aren't messing with her either. Whereas Sam is manipulative and Alice is spiteful, Paul's lyrics are reassuring.

"I'm still the man you trust," is a lot different than "Don't you twust me?" when you get right down to it. It carries with it a connotation of 'I'm okay, and you will be too.'

"What if I told you I made it?" actively contradicts the 'I killed your loved one' narrative that Alice used with Bill.

It's not like Emma is buying any of it. She's still terrified. Paul doesn't need to hurt her or taunt her in order to scare her, just singing was enough. But it's clear that he's not trying to.

The hive mind gets a kick out of watching people suffer. Emma is the leading lady. You'd think that she's the one who should have the most brutal song. But she just doesn't. It seems like her song is trying to be the kindest.

We know it's implied that once they get infected, people are still conscious inside their musical doppelgängers (source: the line "your own body is your front row seat" as well as Sam breaking through its control long enough to say "Charlotte" before falling back under).

I think Paul was conscious during Inevitable. I think he knew that they weren't escaping this. I think he knew he was eventually going to kill Emma, and there was nothing he could do about it. But I think he didn't want her to suffer.

Instead, I think he resolved to give her as kind a death as he could. He would lie. He'd tell her he was happy and that she was safe. He'd be as gentle as the hive mind allowed. She was running out of time, so he'd love her with every second they had left.

(but that's just a theory...a musical theory... and cut)

[auras-moonstone]

mad woman — ethan landry (part two)

word count: 839

summary: ethan and y/n talk about their deceased siblings and begin to bond.

pairing: gf!ethan landry x gf!fem!reader

based on: mad woman by taylor swift

previous part ; next part

SURPRISINGLY, BAILEY LET HER JOIN THE PLAN. It didn’t take a lot of convincing on Ethan’s part, they all suffered the loss of a loved one, so they knew the thirst for revenge Y/N must be feeling.

“I’m sorry you have to go through that… being close to the person that killed your sister must be tough, kid” Bailey said, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“It is, but I know that this pain is worth it. We are going to make them regret taking them away from us”

“Well said” Quinn spoke, and Y/N sent her a smile. “We should head back to the dorm”.

“Sure. Thanks for everything, Mr. Kirsch” Y/N said with a warm smile.

“You are welcome anytime” he replied.

“Bye, dad” the Kirsch siblings said in unison as they left their dad’s home.

“You two go, I have other plans” Quinn told them.

“Paul?” Y/N asked with a playful smile.

“God, no. That is over, this one is called Lorenzo” the red head informed.

“Uh, Lorenzo. I like it, have fun” the girl waved at her roommate.

“You too, but if you have too much fun please don’t tell me” the girl’s voice distorted as she walked away, but they were still able to hear her.

Ethan’s blood rushed into his cheeks “Sometimes she speaks too freely”.

“You say that now, but if…” she stopped herself from going further and killing the mood “Sorry”.

“Hey, no. It’s okay, you can talk to me, you know?”

Ethan and her weren’t close at all. This new alliance brought them closer, yes, but the word ‘friend’ was still a bit too big for their relationship. However, he was the closest person she had at the moment, it had been so long since the last time she talked to someone without having to fake or hide emotions, that she just gave in.

“I miss her, a lot” she grimaced. Vulnerability was not something she was accustomed to show. “I don’t have the luxury of having other siblings, and even if I did, what I had with Amber was something unique. All the things that once bothered me about her, are the ones I now miss. I would give everything to hear her awful rap playlist that I absolutely loathe, or the loud and tiring parties she hosted despite knowing how uncomfortable I felt at them, and god I even miss her talking my ear off about that awful horror movie franchise she adored”.

“She sounds just like my brother” he sighed. “It’s nice that you had a nice relationship with her”.

“You weren’t close to Richie?” she asked.

Ethan shook his head “No. Our age difference, our different taste in things, we just never connected that much. And…”

“Yeah?” she encouraged him.

“I guess part of me has always resented him” he confessed, there was a trace of guiltiness in his statement.

“Can I ask why?” Y/N asked carefully.

“He was my dad’s golden boy. You know when kids asked their parents which child is their favourite and they say they love them all equally, even though it’s not true, as to not hurt their feelings?”

“Yes” she said unsure.

“Well, my dad wasn’t like that. He favoured Richie and admitted it proudly. And Quinn, being the only girl, also has a special place in his heart. His little girl, you know? And I am just there”

“Ethan…”

“I’m not saying he doesn’t love me, ‘cause I know he does, but Richie is gone, and I’m here and that disappoints him a bit” he had his eyes glued to the pavement, not daring to look her in the eyes. And Y/N wanted to throw up, cry and hug him at the same time. “Sorry. I overshared, right?” he tried to laugh it off.

“How long have you been bottling that up?” she asked softly.

“The resentment? My whole life. The thought of my father being disappointed I wasn’t the one who died? For a year” he replied.

The vulnerable environment encouraged her to grab his hand “Well, you can come to me whenever you want to, no matter how dark your thoughts are”.

Ethan smiled, and Y/N was in awe at how perfect his teeth were and how mesmerising his smile was “The same goes for you, Y/N/N”.

They continued their walk towards the dorms with the sound of the busy streets of New York resonating in their ears. None of them said a word until they reached Ethan’s apartment, which was the closest one. He had to let go of her hand—and regretting it instantly when he felt the warmth of her palm leaving his skin—, as he looked for his keys.

“Well, thank you for everything, Ethan. I’ll let you rest”

“See you tomorrow, Y/N/N” he gave her his dazzling smile once more before closing the door.

Y/N went to bed with the a good feeling on her chest. She finally was about to get the revenge she had desired and also, maybe, she had gained someone to talk to, a potential friend.

[donnerpartyofone]

This has been a really hard one to talk about. I'm always very ambivalent about mourning celebrities. I try to remember that I don't know these people, that what is really mourned by most of us is the person's ongoing work, which in the best cases has helped us understand ourselves and the world in which we live. Unavoidably, though, you can start to develop the sense that you know these people personally, which isn't true or even appropriate necessarily, I mean you have no idea whether you would even like someone you've only seen on a screen or received an autograph from; but at the same time, I don't know if you can really force yourself not to feel like the deceased celebrity is a dear friend you will never get to talk to again (the last time I tried and failed was the passing of Lux Interior). Maybe this is more forgivable, and also more inevitable, if you feel like you grew up with the person.

Of course this is all about ME now, but my mother (who also died from cancer) was an extremely hip, brilliant, funny individual who for whatever reason refused to form a relationship with me. This was pretty strange, because we liked a lot of the same things--B movies, old comics, all types of camp and kitsch--but when I liked those things, it was in poor taste and punishable by exile, whereas when she liked those things, it was evidence of her cultural genius. Before I make anybody too mad I should say that I'm being a little bit unfairly reductive just so I can get to the point, which is that one of the few things we could share was Pee-Wee's Playhouse. I didn't know anything about the show's more adult origins or the fact that Paul Reubens was sort of a performance artist, but I didn't have to. Pee-Wee's Playhouse was a feast for any child's senses: stylish, hilarious, and on some subliminal level, really sophisticated. I was clued into some of what was going on just because I watched it with my mom, who always laughed at Pee-Wee's winks and nudges to the hep parents in the audience. The show might have been my first encounter with the kind of anthropological humor favored by people like David Byrne and Laurie Anderson, artists who engage subversively with cliches, stereotypes, and other memetic parts of popular culture. In Pee-Wee's Playhouse, with its sharp, edgy cast and crew, kids like me were getting into fine art without even knowing it--which is possibly the best way to learn about art anyway.

In fact, on the other side of our house, I became obsessed with Gary Panter's incredible punk opus Jimbo In Paradise, a Dantesque comic book about an innocent young guy living in a dystopian future, where he is occasionally joined by guest stars such as Nancy and Hedorah. I was about 7 when I started reading Jimbo over and over again even though I could barely understand it, and I had no idea that Gary had pretty much designed Pee-Wee's Playhouse. I'm speaking about him so familiarly because I got to know him a little bit as a grownup. I remember Gary talking about how private Paul Reubens could be. He used to do this thing where he would accept a dinner invitation from anybody who asked, as sort of a stunt, but he had to stop doing it because people became so intrusive and entitled with him. Gary said that they'd be walking around in New York and when they saw an obvious Pee-Wee fan gearing up for an offensive, Paul Reubens would sort of transform into this totally different person, putting out an aura that let you know not to fuck with him. It's crazy-making to think that someone who was so protective of the boundary between his private and public selves had to suffer that ridiculous arrest, but it's heartening that most of society eventually grew the fuck up and forgot about it. It's also helpful to remember when he turned up later on the MTV Music Video Awards and started off by asking the audience, "HEARD ANY GOOD JOKES LATELY??"

I'm glad we got one more Pee-Wee special in the past several years, but I always wished that we would see Paul Reubens in more movies. He was such a cool actor, funny, convincing, and naturally charismatic. While people are cycling through their favorite roles of his, I want to point out that he had a great role on a recent HBO miniseries called Mosaic, an intense, engrossing crime drama that I definitely recommend if you have access. Maybe I'll rewatch it, too. In closing, here's a great story that I grabbed from Facebook that should warm everybody's heart, along with the heartbreaking statement (inappropriately cropped by Instagram of course) released upon the death of the very private Pee-Wee Herman. It makes you wish you could thank him in person, for everything. The best we can do is just remember him.

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

An (incredibly long) "I want"-style song dedicated to the most unruly of trios: John Lennon, Paul McCartney, and George Harrison.

The setting is the late 50's – it's deliberately a bit of a mish-mash :-)

Lyrics below the cut!

John: Green

Paul: Blue

George: Purple

P&G: Pink

J&P: Red

JP&G: Neutral

Liverpool gave up on me the first day of preschool

Teachers called me unruly cause I don't suffer fools

And my aunt who says she can't believe I’d throw it all away

Quarrybank, that school for cranks suspended me the other day

All those lads who quit this band to learn a proper trade

Think that I don't understand the facts of getting paid

But you both see,

It's them not me, it's us and this here prophecy

Do you see us five years on – well

Maybe three, that's sort of long

As they're writhing for our songs

And “Your group's on now, John "

Earning some preposterous wage

Free of this less-town-more-cage

As we enter center-stage

In our gold disk age

And the birds will have to queue

For a single peck at you

Then, emboldened by the view

Watch them molt on cue

And all we need is not to quit,

They'll call us Great Britain's

Newest stars, brand new guitars, guaranteed not to split

Picture us: the favourite band

With a record deal in hand

Going deaf from screaming fans

As per my new masterplan

Where we going, fellas? Where we going?

Where we going, fellas? Where we going?

(To the topper-most of popper-most of popper, to the topper)

To the toppermost of the poppermost!

I hear music in my head

Wherever I go

It's like it's bursting out my soul

It's something I cannot control

Meanwhile I can't drop this tune

Every night When I get home

I watch dad roll his eyes

"Heard of this thing called a comb? "

I sigh as he implies

That mum would be

So unhappy and so disappointed in me

However inopportune

There's a decade dawning soon

Shooting for the moon

And John may seem unreasonable

But his dream is feasible

Sometimes yes, guess he's a gull

I'll appease him though

And then I see how for we're come

Joined, we're greater than our sum

See, the rhythm's in the strum

Of the guitars and then some

Playing my part in your vision, I'll

Grab a pen, so much to discover

Let's produce another

Lennon-McCartney original

See the day John and me met

And Yes George, I didn't forget!

We become a matching set

Writing tete-a-tete

Where we going, Johnny? Where we going?

Where we going, Johnny? Where we going?

(To the topper-most of popper-most of popper, to the toppermost)

And where do I fit in?

And when do I come in?

Is there a spot for me at the

To the toppermost of the poppermost!

I'm the youngest, there's no day when they let me forget

But the part Paul will not say: I'm their safest bet

See the fact is they don’t practice systematically like me

I know my chord charts, strings, fretboard, parts of my soul, sorted by key.

Still the world is their playground

And I am watching from the fence

I can't yet jump with confidence

But mum taught me about patience

I still feel Julia's arms around me every time I play

What would my mum say? (She tells me)

Anything I set my mind to  (She taught me everything)

The heights I'll climb to (She wanted everything)

My time soon

Anything to prove I'm worth it (Wouldn’t approve)

Move the earth, they'll learn…

I had to learn to be the only one believing in me

And ever since she's gone, I can hardly stand it (Mum says I can stand it)

No one understanding (Don’t quite understand it)

The thing she saw in me

And dad, he just wants me to be practical

She’d call me her rebel without applause and tell me

Just keep making noise, always play in your own key

I will wait patiently

He may believe in me but not my choice

They will have no choice but to love me

Where we going fellas? Where we going?

To the toppermost of the poppermost!

Insert band name here.

Liverpool has no idea what’s coming

Liverpool will never be the same

They’ll put up posters of us

Like on this truck

John, that’s a bus!

Put your glasses on, Jesus!

And dad will be non-plussed when

Walking down the street he’ll see John (John), Paul, George (George) of the…

Johnny and the Moondogs… What! Definitely not. The Shoes!

The Quarrymen… Nononononono, JaPaGe3!

Liverpool has no idea what’s coming

Liverpool will never be the same

When they all see us one as three the blasphemous song trinity.

Everybody’s bitching

Where’s that old ambition

That got you essay prizes and into the institute?

I’m not a delinquent

I’ve just been rethinking

No one realizes I’m still just as resolute

Just keep making noise

Always play in your own key

They will have no choice

But to love me

Anything I set my mind to

The heights I’ll climb to

My time soon

Anything to prove I’m worth it

Move the earth

They’ll learn from me.

Where we going, fellas? Where we going?

Where we going, Johnny?

Where we going, fellas? Where we going?

(To the topper-most of popper-most of popper, to the topper)

And where do I fit in and when do I come in?

Toppermost of the poppermost.

[ruegarding]

Hey, quick question if you don't mind me asking, what were your thoughts on Chalice of the Gods?

overall, i wish rick stopped at toa like he said he was going to. the more rick adds, the more the world-building suffers as a result. that being said, i didn't completely hate cotg like i thought i would. there's a few good moments, but, in general, it reads like a cash-grab.

let's start with the good. percy has some of the most in-character moments he's had in the universe since pjo.

percy's confrontation w geras was so good that i actually wish this was part of percy's character arc in hoo. percy spent almost all of pjo knowing he was going to die—he saw the fates cut the string in tlt and in som he put together what the prophecy meant: he was going to die either at or before 16. and this is exactly why this confrontation works and why i think it's better than new rome. new rome can protect a demigod from monsters, not from fate. percy wasn't scared of monsters. if he was, he would've stayed at chb year-round.

and i really like that geras was willing to entertain percy bc he had turned down godhood. like the first time percy ever thinks abt immortality seriously (in botl) this is what he has to say:

so immortality is fundamentally at odds w percy's character bc he defines himself so thoroughly w the ppl he loves. and this is exactly what allows him to get through to geras! it's such a good exploration of percy's character and the future he's now able to consider.

similarly, this section

is more in-character than almost all of hoo. this is a prime example of how percy's loyalty works and addresses how it's misconstrued in fandom. percy has a desire for freedom, and that desire informs how he respects ppl. percy's loyalty isn't a possessive "i won't let you do this" bc he will, he will always let someone make their own choice at the end of the day bc it's what he would want. and this was actually established in tlt, when sally says "you're enough like me to understand" and asks percy to let her save herself. so percy lets bianca fight talus, he lets nico walk away, he gives luke the knife, he lets ganymede choose his own story, even when he disagrees w it. and this is why percy's arc in hoo sucked! rick tried to give percy the typical hero complex, but it's contradictory w percy's character. so when i saw this passage i was so relieved. i thought this part of percy died w pjo.

also, to talk abt someone other than percy, this moment

is good. i love this abt annabeth.

and grover saying the hardest thing is sitting by and not being able to do anything. bc grover is usually in a support role and he wasn't there at all in hoo. i also like that percy is confronted w the fact that he's not expendable. thumbs up from me.

the bad...i'm just going to keep short bullet points.

what even is this plot

it doesn't work as part of pjo and yet it's marketed as the sixth book in the series

why is zeus a disney villain. i hate everything abt it

the inconsistencies...annabeth's cap...why are we continuing to treat percy like he's disinterested in learning??? also. what do you mean you're not allowed at camp after you turn 18? WHAT DO YOU MEAN????? this was not a thing. and wasn't rhea in hiding or something?? now she's casually having brunch?

there's too much "percy is the stupid bf and annabeth is the competent gf who takes care of him." i hated every second of this. also annabeth is disabled. her being intelligent does not remove her disability. she struggles.

i rbed that post abt disaster cook annabeth and good cook percy and i stand by that.

the power monologue makes no damn sense (and another addition by op in the tags)

no seriously i'm begging someone to have a real conversation and understand percy is terrified of how powerful he is. i've been waiting for this since botl. WHICH WAS PUBLISHED IN 2008 BTW

i'm not a huge estelle or paul fan. like they're fine they're just not compelling.

the only time i feel sally and percy have the same connection as they had in tlt is when they're alone. this is a problem i've had for a while, but cotg does not fix it. when paul and annabeth are in the equation, it feels like percy is the outsider.

in summary, cotg is like a fanfic i would leave kudos for being a good percy character study despite having questionable moments. except it's canon. and these questionable things affect the world-building.

[sleepy-achilles]

I will explain below

1- Vince and Leon- The moment Leon became a teenager, Vince saw the money. Leon was, is, a pretty boy and lets just say Vince abused that greatly to the point Leon didn't even want to look at himself in a mirror anymore. It included abuse off Vince and other older starts like Flair and Hogan, but the manipulation he suffered from Vince greatly destroyed his confidence. It hurt more when he found out his Papa was suffering the same fate as him. Its not until Drew, that his confidence rebuilt. Drew made being pretty feel good. Not dirty. Not a money maker. Drew saw him as a person, a human. Drew became his whole world. Drew saved him.

2.Cassidy and Austin- this is quite simple. Austin and Cassie were planned to marry. Austin wasn't a very nice boyfriend, he was cocky and narcissistic. This didn't help Cassidys drinking problem. If anything he helped her drink. She couldn't find a reason to leave so she stayed. She had no one else. It wasn't until he cheated and she caught him that her uncle Scott stood in and told her to leave. The person who came to her side? Rhea. Rhea looked after her, help sober her up. Saved her.

Also, Austin goes through a character growth and him and cassie end up making up. She forgives him once seeing how much he's changed. But they don't end up friends. Austin admits he's glad she's found happiness with rhea.

3- Undertaker and Paul- well this is known. Its the normal jazz of their relationship. Paul tried keeping him from Shawn because he knew what Shawn was. He failed. He then tried taking takers son for his own dirty deeds when he realised he no longer had taker under his control. And when the truth got revealed about the house fire? Shawn was there. Shawn was there to help battle all of Takers demons. He saved taker.

4- Shawn and Vince- just like Leon, vince saw money when he saw Shawn. He's beautiful and the girls love him. The older stars took advantage of Shawn's youth and beauty, his need to please people. And vince let them. Even when Shawn came crying for help. Vince liked to remind Shawn that he owned him. Even when Shawn had to temporarily retire. Shawn thought things would be different when he returned. He was wrong. It was worse. Vince was a character now. They interacted more. Vince exposed him, embarrassed him, used him. And then to keep him in line, he confessed to having Leon under the exact same contract. This destroyed Shawn. His son was destined the same fate as him. Shawn told no one out of guilt and fear. It wasn't until Leon confronted him that he broke down and told everything. This started their road to getting ride of vince. Along as his name was incharge of the wwe those contracts would be set in stone. Safe to say they were pretty successful in getting rid of him. All because of two men, Drew and Taker. Drew had figured it out pretty early after seeing how some elders interacted with Leon and Shawn versus everyone else. He told Taker who brushed him off but takers gut believed it. And when he over heard Shawn and Leon, he went straight to Drew with a plan to rid the man from their lives. Drew pointed out they couldn't kill vince and mentioned something else. Exposing the man for his crimes. So they did. They saved not only Shawn but Leon. Both men got their smiles back. Their confidence.

[addictedtostorytelling]

Any thoughts on what would be the dark side of Grissom?

hi, anon!

so here's the thing:

gil grissom believes he has a "dark side."

heather kessler believes he has a "dark side."

but i don't really think he does.

—and neither does sara sidle.

more discussion after the "keep reading," if you're interested.

__

to me, the question of gil grissom's supposed "dark side" all comes down to definition.

gil grissom has one definition, which has to do with "having the capacity to be selfish and place one's needs ahead of others (even those one cares about)."

heather kessler has another that is close to his, though not necessarily identical, centered in "having the capacity to inflict pain on others (even those one cares about)."

however, i have another definition, which i think approximates sara's (which i'll explain later on).

suffice it so say, grissom doesn't fit it.

so let's take this thing piece by piece:

grissom's definition of "dark side"

the show directly links the term "dark side" to grissom in episode 09x05 "leave out all the rest," specifically when heather kessler reads both grissom and sara into the specs of the bdsm-related case grissom has invited her to consult on, i.e.,:

"he kept his dark side locked in a trunk, hidden away from her."

the idea of grissom's dark side (or at least his belief in his own dark side) is also strongly implied in episodes such as 04x12 "butterflied," 05x03 "harvest," 07x06 "burn out," and 09x02 "the happy place," where direct comparisons are made between grissom and violent criminals, both in dialogue and in the framing of the narratives.

as i talk about here,

throughout his time on the show, grissom frequently finds himself able to relate to the killers whose cases he processes. though he would never cross the same lines that they do, he feels he is in some ways like them: antisocial, obsessive, caught up in the details, frightened by his own mind. he sees pieces of himself in the paul millanders, vincent luries, kevin greers, and natalie davises of the world, and, when he does, it gives him pause.

though he never applies the term to himself directly, grissom seems to subscribe to the notion that he, like these criminals, has a dark side, as is evident from the disparaging way he sometimes speaks of himself and his own proclivities (such as in his monologue in episode 04x12 "butterflied"), as well as the way he passively accepts other people's assessments of him in that regard (i.e., he doesn't negate heather when she says he has a dark side, catherine when she accuses him of being antisocial/misanthropic, direct comparisons killers and rapists make between themselves and him, etc.).

for grissom, his belief that he has a dark side is seemingly predicated on his sense that he lacks some fundamental "human component."

his whole life, he's been told by various sources that he sucks at being a person—that he's too emotionally aloof, unempathetic, and analytical; doesn't relate to others well; stuck in his own head; overly obsessive, etc.—and he has very much internalized that criticism.

to his mind, his "dark side" is part and parcel of this "insufficient humanity" in him: i.e., he feels he has a tendency to use people to serve his own needs and also that he can do so relatively easily, experiencing little guilt for treating people around him like objects he can manipulate. he observes that he can and does keep people at arm's length, remain ignorant of their problems, put what is easiest for him ahead of what is best for them, derive pleasure from situations that cause them to suffer, behave in a generally selfish manner, etc. and keep things running smoothly this way for a very long time.

he believes he sees evidence to support this belief in his personal relationships—in the occasions when he's treated catherine or nick or other members of the team in this very utilitarian manner on a micro-level, certainly; however, nowhere more so than in his romantic dealings with sara, which, to his mind, is what offers the most damning indictment on him, considering she's the person he cares most about in the world.

for years, he keeps her in a kind of "emotional holding pattern" which serves his purposes but not hers, ignoring the damage he deals her along the way.

as i talk about here,

[for the first several seasons of the show,] sara is, essentially, grissom's work girlfriend, and that arrangement works for him. he can flirt with her when he likes (as long as things don’t get too personal); he can occasionally walk arm-in-arm with her around their crime scenes; they can trade trivia and jokes; he can pay attention to her and make her smile; she can emotionally support him and calm him down when he’s upset (see episodes 01x19 “gentle, gentle” and 02x05 “scuba doobie-doo”); he can show her off to his superiors (see episode 03x02 “the accused is entitled”); they can share weirdly intimate moments; etc.; etc. really, they can do everything short of going home together. but when things get too intense, he can also shut their interactions down at a moment’s notice. he can maintain his space, go off by himself, even turn his attentions—fleetingly and superficially—to other women, like teri miller (see here). nothing he’s willing to do with sara endangers his career. they toe that line between coworkers and significant others, and they keep everything relatively clean that way. furthermore, he’s able to to some extent “have her” without fear that he will lose her. if he never lets her get too close to him, she won’t see his flaws, and she won’t reject him; she’ll stay with him, almost happily, forever. sure, in his heart of hearts, grissom very much yearns to extend his and sara’s relationship to all the spheres in his life (see his original monologue from episode 04x12 “butterflied”), and, certainly, on a subconscious level, he realizes that he is dissatisfied with the status quo between himself and sara, particularly when she dates hank peddigrew during s2 and s3. in a better world, in a better life, where grissom could be sure that sara would love him forever and that he could know that he was actually good enough for her, he would want to be the man she came home to after shift. he would want them to share everything. to be everything for each other. but in this world, their arrangement mostly works for him. it mostly meets his needs. —and, because it does, he remains generally oblivious to the fact that things aren’t working out this way for sara. worse yet, even on the occasions when he becomes passingly aware that this setup isn't actually copacetic for her and is in fact directly doing her harm (like in episodes 02x15 "burden of proof" or 03x03 "let the seller beware" or toward the tail end of s4), he still makes the active decision to continue subordinating her needs in favor of his own, which, as he sees things, suggests that he is more beholden to his own fears than he is mindful of her well-being—a major mark against him not only in terms of him being a potential lover for sara but in terms of him being a human being with a heart and compassion for others.

while someone less critical of grissom than himself might point out that his selfish behavior regarding sara, while not awesome™, is more in line with him having a fear of intimacy and poor interpersonal skills than it is with him being some kind of heartless and depraved "creature of the dark," grissom, who is hypercritical of himself, views these failings on his part as a condemnation of his overall person, drawing connections between his own "willingness" to mistreat sara and the way the criminals in the cases he investigates do violence to the people around them.

the fact that he also shares with these criminals a tendency toward obsession further compounds his sense that he is like them, as does his notion that he could perhaps find it within himself to be violent (and even kill) were someone he loved threatened.

he sees in himself a capacity to cause harm in order to serve his own purposes and consequently believes he is by nature a cruel and heartless being, particularly unworthy of sara and her "light."

this belief grissom has concerning himself (i.e., that he has a dark side) is one that, unfortunately, other characters around him frequently, albeit often inadvertently, reinforce.

almost every member of his team has, at some point, accused grissom of being unconcerned with the emotions and needs of others on some level: e.g., catherine disparages him for having no personal connections (see episode 01x04 "pledging mr. johnson"), warrick calls him a robot (see episode 03x13 "random acts of violence"), nick harps on him for not caring about the human element in their cases (see episode 04x11 "eleven angry jurors"), and even sara on one particularly fraught occasion despairs that he has no feelings (see episode 01x16 "too tough to die").

while all of these statements are ones that his team members make in moments of personal frustration and are inaccurate to their true views of him—not a single person on that team actually doubts grissom's capacity to care about others; to the contrary, they all emotionally rely on him and turn to him as a confidante at the times when it really counts—grissom nevertheless takes these outbursts from them at face value, internalizing the messaging, believing he is, just as they imply, on a fundamental level, "deficient" (see episode 01x04 "pledging mr. johnson").

though he receives a thousand evidences otherwise that his friends feel his love for them and that they acknowledge his humanity, those positive assurances don't stay in his mind the same way their momentary negativity does, largely due to confirmation bias.

for all that catherine will willingly kill for him, that warrick praises his magnanimity as a boss, nick obviously looks up to him and craves his approval, and sara loves him unconditionally and thinks more highly of him than anyone, he still can't help but see "proof" everywhere that he is a bad person given over to his dark side.

something, something "autism rejection sensitive dysphoria." ahem.

—and, unfortunately, this belief of his is only furthered by the one significant friendship he has outside of his work team, i.e., with heather kessler.

heather's definition of "dark side"

now.

while there are a great deal many good things about grissom and heather's friendship—not only are they well-suited to each other in terms of intelligence, temperament, interests, etc., but over the years they are incredibly loyal to each other and stand by each other in times of crisis time and time again—one area where they are perhaps not good influences on each other is in how they both conceive of themselves and each other as "belonging to the dark."

whereas when grissom's other friends call him out for being "insufficiently human," they do so in moments of anger, when they're purposefully trying to say hurtful things to him either because they are frustrated with the case of the day or with him or both, heather tends to make her claims much more calmly and without intention to wound.

she doesn't so much level accusations at grissom as she does simply make what she considers to be observations of him, impassive in nature, framed as fact.

these observations are ones she offers not out of malice or with intent to disparage him but because she feels kinship.

of course, her intentions notwithstanding, they still exacerbate his sense of "otherness" and "unworthiness" in himself all the same.

she sees them both as people who have dark sides, and she often reminds him of this point because (to her) it is a basis of their friendship.

grissom doesn't necessarily agree that heather is as "irredeemable" as he is—he thinks much more highly of her than he does of himself and doesn't believe she has as much claim to "human deficiency" as he does, her profession and occasional criminality notwithstanding—however, since a) she has always been able to read him like an open book from their very first meeting anyhow, and, b) she is at least familiar with darkness by way of her profession/lifestyle, he does seem to feel that he is safe to be himself, forgo masking, and make no attempts to hide his darkness in her presence.

because she is comfortable operating in proximity to darkness, his sense is that he doesn't have to fear her disgust and/or rejection in the same way he might from his more "towards the light"-oriented friends.

he can just trust that she knows he has a dark side but won't disparage him for it.

and that brings us to heather's definition of what a "dark side" even is.

to heather, who lives in a world that is rife with violence and runs on dynamics of dominance and submission, having a dark side entails being comfortable inflicting pain (both physical and emotional) on others.

she views herself as having a dark side not only because of her profession but also (and even more so) because she is possessed of a very brutal approach to human relationships: building and enforcing sharp walls between people, being cruel when doing so suits her, knowing how to needle others and using that skill to her advantage (having little regard for what damage she might cause in the long run).

as i talk about here,

like grissom, heather fears that she is a creature of the darkness, unfit for the light, and that she deserves many of the misfortunes that befall her. we don’t know exactly what brings about the end of her relationship with her ex-husband jerome kessler, but we do get hints that heather believes that she is a difficult person to love and be around—hence her comments to grissom that it must have been hard on zoë to have her for a mother. heather has carefully cultivated her “lady heather” dominatrix persona, becoming a person who is surprised by nothing, beholden to no one, totally autonomous and aloof. she’s this person whenever she’s in situations where she feels uncomfortable, such as when she has to interact with men who disrespect her, like jim brass (see episodes 03x15 “lady heather’s box” and 07x23 “the good the bad and the dominatrix”), or people who deride her for her profession and character, like sara sidle (see the interview scenes in “immortality”). she believes she is dark because she can push everyone away (including her husband and child) in order to make herself feel safer and more in control in an otherwise cruel and chaotic world and then go on living in this loneliness, almost as if nothing had ever happened; as if it were no loss. she can draw strength from making others feel weak. she can make herself an island and still function that way, devoid of any real ties. she can permit even those she loves to suffer if doing so gives her some advantage. she views herself as heartless. as lacking. as not having that crucial component that allows other people to connect.

when heather meets grissom, she very quickly surmises that he feels similarly about himself as she does about herself. she hones in on the fact that he withholds key parts of himself from even the people he's closest to emotionally ("[you fear more than anything] being known"), including sara.

she also suspects that because he lacks social and even sexual outlets, he may harbor some repressed tendencies toward relational violence (see episode 02x08 "slaves of las vegas").

the longer she knows grissom and the more she becomes aware of his relationship with sara, the more she starts to read what she views as his dark side into the relationship problems he and sara experience during s8 and s9.

as i talk about here,

heather believes that she and grissom are two of a kind: both creatures of the darkness, unsuited for domestic life.  in her view, sara is not like them. she is something different: a sweet soul who secretly longs for light—who, despite how she may protest to the contrary, very much wants for normalcy and the cookie-cutter life with the dog and the house and the husband.  though sara works the graveyard shift at a crime lab, she is, as heather sees it, vanilla, repulsed by that which is gruesome, violent, and twisted. she doesn’t share heather and grissom’s macabre side, and, by heather’s estimation, because she doesn’t, she can’t fully understand grissom, a man who lives in isolation, harbors misanthropic tendencies, and finds it easy to think like a serial killer. she’s too tame. too quaint. too afraid of the dark. honestly, heather is probably reading a little bit of her own history into grissom and sara’s current situation here: as we learn in episode 07x24 “the good, the bad, & the dominatrix,” heather’s ex-husband, jerome kessler, is shocked at and repulsed by heather’s involvement in the s&m business, and his attitude towards her lifestyle influences his decision to keep her away from their granddaughter, allison. since heather sees herself and grissom as being similar, she perhaps thinks of sara as being similar to jerome. just like jerome couldn’t handle heather’s darkness, sara perhaps can’t handle grissom’s. that side of him might be a deal-breaker for her. in making this assessment, heather isn’t necessarily disparaging sara; she’s just pointing out that sara isn’t built to wade endlessly through human evil in the way that grissom is. it goes back to what she said about the schism and grissom and sara having different roles and priorities: sara is persephone; grissom is hades. she was made for flowers and springtime; he was made for the underworld. they are fundamentally incompatible in this way, at least as heather sees things.

heather's views to this end only serve to echo fears grissom already has concerning himself and his and sara's relationship. he has always been secretly terrified that in addition to being too old for sara and too romantically inexperienced to be with her, he is also too dark for her; too much of a drain on her precious light.

he feels supremely unworthy of her, which is one of the major reasons why he not only holds back from being with her for so long during the early seasons of the show but also why, when she flees vegas in s8 and s9, he lets her go and does not (for the longest while) pursue her.

though he wants more than anything to be with sara, deep inside of him, he fears that he is ultimately too selfish for her, too cruel, too depraved, too macabre, too dark.

my definition of "dark side"—and sara's

but.

but.

but.

for all grissom and heather believe he has a dark side, here's the thing:

i don't really think he does.

and i don't think sara thinks he does, either.

not to get too philosophical, but here's my take:

all people have the capacity to take harmful actions, so just having that capacity is not enough to make someone a "creature of the dark."

neither is even taking harmful actions in itself.

that's another thing everyone occasionally does.

as social creatures, causing occasional harm is unavoidable—we all from time to time hurt other people, sometimes accidentally, sometimes purposefully; physically and emotionally.

it's just part of living together, of interacting.

of having competing needs.

that so, just occasionally causing others pain doesn't mean someone has a "dark side"—at least not in my book; not that way that grissom and heather mean it, anyway.

it's not a sign of criminality or depravity.

it's just humanity.

having a dark side has to go beyond just being capable of causing harm to others or even sometimes causing it.

to me, at least—and everyone is welcome to disagree—there has to be something more to it.

there has to be an orientation toward hurting others regularly, consistently, and even with impunity; toward harming the people around you and not caring (or even to taking delight in doing so); toward having no inclination to change or better oneself; toward inflicting pain and suffering without regard for others, never looking back.

and i don't think that's grissom at all.

don't get me wrong: the man makes mistakes.

sometimes big ones.

for example, his jealous, petty behavior toward sara at the beginning of s3 when she is dating hank is not great™.

that said, i think that, in general, grissom orients more toward taking beneficial actions than he does toward taking harmful ones.

he exists more in the light.

much—if not most—of the harm he causes, especially in regards to his conduct toward other people, is inadvertent on his part; a product of him flailing and not knowing how to satisfy his competing needs and wants as opposed to him purposefully lashing out or trying to assert himself over others.

while of course he can—and does sometimes—still cause harm even when he does not intend to do so (see, for example, how his mismanagement of sara contributes to her downward spiral in s4), his character is such that he almost never sets out to hurt anyone and is eager to change and do better once he realizes that he has.

he isn't inclined to be malicious at all.

he has occasional blind spots, yes. is sometimes selfish and makes mistakes, sure. he from time to time prioritizes his needs over those of his loved ones. every once in a while underestimates the effect his actions might have on the people around him. now and then behaves hypocritically because he is so deep inside his own head that he can rationalize behavior from himself that he condemns in others. at times makes poor judgment calls, the outcomes of which impact not just him but everyone on his team.

but gil grissom is not someone who goes about attempting to hurt others, much less someone who hurts others regularly, much less someone who does so with impunity.

flawed though he is, by and large, he is goodhearted, earnest, and willing and able to admit his mistakes. for the most part, his desire is to help and not to hurt, and he succeeds in enacting that desire.

contrary to what he believes about himself and even what heather believes about him, he is incapable of hurting others without feeling immense guilt for doing so if he is aware of the effect his actions have had.

in fact, i would argue that one of the primary emotions he experiences throughout the early seasons of the show is guilt, oftentimes of the undue variety.

while it does still sometimes take him time to change course even after he recognizes he has misbehaved, he always does change course eventually.

he never sits comfortably in the wrong.

he always strives to treat others compassionately and fairly, even often at the expense of his own interests.

that so, to me, there is nothing exceptional in his misconduct; nothing depraved in it; nothing to indicate it is his preferred or even habitual mode of action.

though he is able to think like a serial killer for the sake of his job, just the ability to profile does not a "dark heart" make. he could never bring himself to behave like these violent criminals do. he is far too concerned with others' feelings, far too compassionate and just, far too much of a humanist, etc. he holds life and personhood too much as sacred.

and contrary to what he thinks, even the fact that he could potentially kill to protect someone he loves isn't some grand indictment of his soul; that just shows the depth of his love. many parents would say the same for their children. lovers for their lovers. friends for their friends. (hell, catherine kills to save his life at one point, and he doesn't think less of her for doing so!) it doesn't make him a coldblooded killer by any means to have those instincts. it's not like he'd be violent without provocation or in any other circumstances; just to save the people he cares about. that's not a flaw! that's a sign of devotion.

he's just a guy trying to get by in life, and occasionally he futzes things up and ends up hurting other people.

but he is also someone who immediately apologizes when he is called out (see, for example, how quick he is to recant the inadvertently misogynistic statement he makes in episode 02x23 "the hunger artist" once catherine confronts him on it); who forgives others of their mistakes immediately and wholeheartedly (such as when he lets warrick keep his job in episode 01x02 "cool change"); who is a pacifist at heart; a poet's soul; someone who, despite working a job that puts him into contact with some of the worst elements of his society, still believes in truth, justice, and love.

he learns from his mistakes as he goes.

and over time, becomes far more open.

far less selfish.

far more willing to place the needs of his loved ones ahead of his own.

he is not some "creature of the darkness"—or at least no more so than most people are.

fwiw, i don't think heather is actually a "creature of the darkness," either.

even where sara and his past mistreatment of her is concerned, he isn't even half as terrible as he imagines himself to be.

for as much as he does give her the runaround during the early seasons of the show and oftentimes fuck up with her very badly, he is not "all awful to her all the time." he is oftentimes very supportive of and gentle with her. frequently a very good friend (albeit not a boyfriend in the way that she would want).

he isn't 100% some negative force in her life, some black hole draining her of light.

that's why she never ultimately "gets over him," you know?

because for as complicated and messed up as things sometimes get between them, there is enough that's positive between them to continue to attract her.

there's goodness and beauty mixed in with the confusion and heartache; in greater part, even.

he also seldom consciously intends to treat sara badly and never is comfortable doing so when he is conscious of the outcomes of his actions.

as i talk about here,

though grissom may sometimes appear callous, in truth, he very much isn’t. he doesn’t like hurting sara’s feelings. he doesn’t like making her sad. though he is sometimes possessed of a very strong impulse to save his own skin and to do what is best for him, he also isn’t without empathy for her plight. when he fucks up, he feels bad about doing so. he kicks himself for being such a jerk every time he disappoints her. (look at his face after he declines her dinner invitation in episode 03x22 “play with fire;” that is not the expression of a man who feels good about what he’s just done.) he wants to make up for his inability to give her what she wants. he wholeheartedly desires to do better—to be better—though he may not know exactly how to overcome his more selfish impulses in order to meet that end.

but the thing is, he eventually sorts himself out.

his desire to do better does translate into action.

into improvement.

he changes his mo with her over time.

by s5, he makes the conscientious decision to prioritize sara's needs. he starts to be more transparent in his dealings with her, even though doing so scares him. he even puts himself and his job on the line in order to do what's best for her (see episode 05x13 "nesting dolls").

like sara says in the reboot, after he learns her story, he's consistently "just there for her."

though of course he doesn't do everything 100% perfectly with her going forward, the grissom of s5 on is so much more open about his feelings for her, so much gentler in his dealings, and so concerned with promoting her happiness.

and this willingness to change how he deals not only with sara but with all of his loved ones—see, for example, how he validates nick's emotionality by recommending him for the promotion in s4 and how supportive he is of greg throughout s7 after sara draws his attention to greg's struggles in episode 07x06 "burn out"—proves that, contrary to his misconceptions about himself, he is not some fundamentally evil person who always treats the others around him selfishly.

he is far more capable of compassion, empathy, and even evolution than he gives himself credit for—a notion which might come as a shock to him but which is no surprise to the one person who knows him better than everyone.

sara.

sara was raised the darkness. she saw extreme selfishness in practice every day while she was growing up. was both a witness to and victim of harm inflicted with impunity for years.

she knows what can happen when people orient towards harming others and don't seek to change.

and don't get me wrong: she doesn't think that grissom is perfect, and particularly not as someone he has at times done emotional damage to.

she knows he is capable of causing pain, just like anyone else is.

she's felt it.

but she also doesn't think for one moment that he has a dark side.

i'll go as far as to say: she wouldn't be with him if she did.

as i talk about here,

[sara] doesn’t just love [grissom] for his mind, you know—she also loves his heart and his humanity, two features which others often claim he doesn’t possess; two features which he often doubts in himself. listening to him rhapsodize about the plight of the victim in [episode 01x09 "unfriendly skies"] and empathize with the man, refusing to entertain the question of whether or not his murder was justified and instead arguing that he was owed a basic level of compassion, she is struck by what a good person he is. that genuine kindness in him is part of what attracts her. she loves that he is nonviolent. she loves that he is humane. she loves that his tendency is always to look for whom he can help, not hurt. he is the most intelligent person she’s ever met, but he also has one of the best hearts, and she adores him for it. for as much as he will later say in the series finale that she restores his faith in the human being, he does the same for her. he is so much of the softness and light she needs to believe still exists in the world.

to continue on from this post,

though he doubts his own goodness, she doesn’t for a second. in fact, she believes in it more than anything. she loves how compassionate, humane, and just he is; how much he cares about the people in the cases they work and his deep capacity for empathy. she adores that he is a champion of persons who are vulnerable, that he speaks for the dead, that he honors and protects women and children, that he allies with the marginalized, etc. though of course she never likes for him to feel sad, she finds herself deeply touched whenever she sees his sorrow for someone he couldn’t save or an investigation that ended badly. while he often thinks the worst of himself, she knows he is the best—that he has this deep-seated and unfailing desire in him to help others and to right wrongs; that he is compelled by his nature to try to better the society he lives in and to show kindness to the individuals he encounters. that he can’t see in himself the virtues that seem so obvious to her honestly breaks her heart, which is why she never misses the opportunity to remind him that he is so much better than he gives himself credit for. just knowing that someone like him exists helps her have faith in the world. he’s such a good man, and the fact that he is is so important to her. to that same end, she also loves how inherently gentle he is. as i talk about here, “to my mind, part of the reason why she is attracted to grissom is because he’s generally very soft-spoken; is a committed pacifist; he’s not domineering; and even when he’s mad at her, he doesn’t yell at her.” coming from the background she does, she only ever could have loved a man who was soft, who seldom raised his voice (and when he did, only did so in defense of others or in the expression of righteous outrage over injustices), who treated others kindly, and who didn’t misuse power at times when he held it. that grissom is so fundamentally mild and never wants to hurt anyone or cause anyone to be afraid of him makes her feel 100% safe in his presence.

for a long time, grissom thinks of himself as a selfish, heartless monster, but sara never sees him that way, and, over the years, she slowly helps him to shed this poor opinion of himself, too.

scenes like the ones in episode 02x05 "scuba doobie-doo," where she encourages him not to be hard on himself, and episode 09x01 "for warrick," where she reminds him of how deeply warrick loved him at a time when she knows he is (unduly) blaming himself for warrick's death, speak to her unfailing belief in him and her desire for him to be able to see himself as she sees him, not as some creature of the darkness, unworthy of the light, but as a light to her and others.

grissom doesn't come around to this notion right away and suffers more than a few setbacks over the years (particularly at times when he feels as if he lets sara down); however, grissom does eventually start to trust in his own humanity.

the grissom we see in csi: vegas s1 is one who doesn't suffer from the same kind of extreme self-loathing and self-distrust as he did in his earlier years. he doesn't have those same doubts concerning his humanity and worthiness, as is evident by the way he allows himself to be comforted in times when he is in distress, accepting love in a way he previously could not bear to.

twenty years on, that grissom is one who has become very comfortable operating in the light, and it's a beautiful thing to see.

anyway.

rambling now.

sorry to go all philosophical here.

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.

[skittlespizza]

TF2 Frostpunk AU/Coldfront AU, this is basicslly just a rough fic outline LMAO

The Mercs were transferred to Coldfront and midway through, the 18 (red and blu) ended up stranded in a coldstorm without warning. The communication ceased between Red, Blu and their employers. Red and Blu send out their most reasonable on each team to negotiate a treaty. This led to Red Engineer and Blu Sniper talking.

They decided on a temporary treaty in RED base due to the better insulation. The soldiers were hesitant at first but eventually agreed due to the rest of the teams arguing that theres strength in numbers, and the coldstorm was going to get far far worse (according to the two engies' calculations)

During this, Pauling was on her way to Visit BLU base but got stranded in the storm. No one is aware of this yet.

Red and Blu are separate and full people in this, albeit very similar in personality.

The au revolves around the two teams navigsting the best way to fight the cold. At first. It was just blankets and huddling for warmth, drinking hot soup. Stuff like that. Eventually, electricity goes out and the engies are able to make a coal powdered generator, however it meant they'd need a steady supply of coal.

The soldiers and demos decide they'd start collecting coal during the day while the engies work on trying to create automatons to make the coal mining automated.

The pyros tend to the main fire. Making sure theres a steady supply of warmth somewhere in the base. They scrap having seperate bedrooms, 18 people all sleeping in the living room for warmth as it gets as cold as -30 c

The snipers focus on hunting food, the spies helping with their invisibility, making direct kills far easier. With 4 people cooking and hunting, food isnt too much of a problem.

The scouts leave pretty early on to try and find pauling once they get her alert. The two teams find out thet work for the same woman and decide to put that on the backburner as survival is their number one goal.

The heavies focus on gathering supplies from wherever they can find, if it is crashed trains or abandoned houses, so be it. They occasionally find survivors and point them to the nearest town, the mercs cant handle more people at this point.

The medics spend their time gathering as much medicine as humanly possible and tending to their sick.

A few weeks after the whole situation happens, Pauling is found huddling in a cave, suffering from mild frostbite but staying alive miraculously due to her top tier mann co technology she had on her.

Her leg is amputated however, and the mediguns are both out of juice. They are in -40°c at this point and its only getting colder.

In the coal mines, blu demo gets gravely sick and blu sniper decides to help him 24/7, one less person hunting food. Food is getting harder and harder to come by due to how little animals are around.

A month or two later, things are going decent until they begin to starve. They consider eating each other, specifically a heavy or the sick blu demo, but fight against their instinct and hold onto their morals.

In a moment of rage, red engie cuts off his arm and replaces it with a metal arm due to his normal arm not "being strong enough" as he continues to build automatons, trying to make one that works. Pyro comforts him while Blu engie works on the new arm (installing a prosthetic with one arm isnt easy)

Electricity is shut down so the coal can go to the heat generator that the engies built.

The frost falls to -50°c and the first death occurs. The blu scout. The boy was outside scavenging when all of a sudden, the wind got stronger and he died not far from the base. Red and Blu argue, saying that Red doesnt care they lost a member. Red says they do, but theyre so busy they dont have time to have a full burial. Some even bring up eating the corpse.

Blu argue they can just bury him outside with nothing more but Medic wants to harvest his organs.

Red Spy reveals he's scout's father- and he'd like to have a real burial. Red Scout realizes that spy is also his father- and he breaks.

Their morality does not yet falter.

-60°c

Red Scout and Spy argue one day when the argument turns violent, leading to Red Spy being pushed out and window. Spy loses his arm from frostbite and they avoid each other, fearing the fallout.

-100°c

For some reason the cold got nearly unbearable, and as the group huddles for 7 days without enough food, water or heat, a few pass in this storm.

Blu Pyro, Red Spy, Blu Demo and Red Soldier all die from how cold it has become. Blu Demo and Red Spy were already sick. Blu Pyro died of starvation, giving up their rations for everyone else. Red Soldier volunteered to leave, to try and find food. Everyone else begged him not to go, but he marched into the frozen hell without a second thought. He never returned.

The group buries all the passed without even a thought of eating the corpses passing their mind. The amount of death has kept their morality alive.

Pauling gets a radio transmission from the Administrator, news from the outside world. The entire world is frozen over due to a volcanic winter, explaining why coldfront was nearly hell. The Administrator explains that she could not get any connection into Coldfront, the world isnt nearly as bad as coldfront and the world outside are building massive heat generators similar to what the engies are doing. They need to survive for just 10 more days in the extreme cold- the Administrator has sent a rescue group.

Red engie cuts off his leg, as he wanted to be able to work for longer hours without his leg hurting. He dies of an infection as he hides this from Medic.

Red Scout struggles with immense Guilt

Red Sniper, Blu Engineer, Red Scout, Blu Soldier, and Red Pyro deal with the mourning the most due to their closeness to the passed. Blu Spy mourns the death of his brother, Red Spy.

Red Pyro becomes hopeless and leaves in the midst of the night to try and find food.

They do not come back.

7 days pass, and they are rescued after nearly 8 months of extreme cold.

Deaths:

Red: Spy, Soldier, Pyro, Engineer

Blu: Demo, Pyro, Scout

7/19 are dead.

The Majority Survived.

[problematicturtle]

Ugh this episode:

The show is a masterclass in toxicity and abuse. Lestat, six years of love bombing. Six years. Finally breaking through with one small, perfect thing. Is it the vampire bond? Is it love? Can Louis still not say he loves Lestat? And why? Would that make that crawling sensation that he’s complicit in all the misery heaped upon him more real? Maybe it would.

When is a monster not s monster? Oh, when you love him.

But they are all monsters here: they care nothing for human life, nothing for someone like Antoinette. Poor Antoinette - even if she wanted to leave Lestat, leaving him would mean she’s outlived her usefulness, and Antoinette seems very much like she wants to not die. No one cares about her though. Not Claudia, not Louis, certainly not Lestat. She’s a pawn in the grand game of chess they’re playing. How perfectly awful to be her. At least Louis gets the dubious distinction of being the one Lestat actually loves. But what do you get for that love to he heaped relentlessly upon you.

He had a way about him. Oh, I’m sure he did.

Sam Reid is excellently cast, perfectly played. He’s charming and ruthless and vicious and soft and pretty and you understand why Louis keeps going back. Unable to handle Claudia’s sternness during the making up conversation: looking to Louis, how dare she? Louis not being able to meet his eyes because Louis won’t be able to make those demands. But also: Lestat finally relaying the cruelty of how it was he was made. What horrors he went through. Alone and victimized and made into a killer against his will: how did you end up here, Lestat, making prisoners of your own. Do we all end up like our makers? Maybe we do. How tragic for everyone involved, then.

Also the cloud gift, and asking if Lestat had anything to do with Paul’s death. That’s pretty hurtful to hear, I imagine, for a lover to hear that. But you did throw him off a cloud, Lestat. He should have died, the same way Paul died, falling. Does Louis think of Paul when he thinks of falling now, or of Lestat.

Claudia reacts to being caged with disdain and spite, and a plan to free herself. Louis retreats into his own cage and removes himself entirely from the situation.

Are you happy, Lestat? You get a shell of the man you claim to love. Louis dreams of falling, surely, your face looking down at him as he hits the ground.

Poor Claudia too. She isn’t allowed to leave, just like Antoinette. But Lestat doesn’t even give her a choice In that matter: hey, I checked in with that guy that raped you, man he really enjoyed it. Thinks of you often. How terrible for you, sweet Claudia. Disobey me and I will do worse.

Of all the awful little things in this episode, this hurt me so bad.

But also: Louis couldn’t pick an apple.

I mean, where is the lie.

Louis, you lay down in your misery and leave others to rescue you or suffer in defeat; Again, this is not a life, Louis. Depression is crippling, to be sure. Louis has lost everyone and everything, and is not made to be a vampire, this is true. But life doesn’t always give you want you want; it is what it is. Louis still wants Lestat, for all that he has done. Does his overwhelming love make you feel alive, Louis? Is this how you live with that decision you made in that church? But how much choice did Lestat give you in any of it, Louis?

How much choice does Lestat give anyone in his life.

Maybe Louis doesn’t want to say he loves you because you are not worthy of his love, Lestat. Maybe being casually cruel and a brat to the people you claim to care for isn’t the way to get the love you so desperately crave. Maybe telling the man you claim to love you will do what it takes to make the relationship work while refusing to end it with the woman he explicitly told you to end it with, and want him to find out about it because you can’t stand having limits set on your behavior, isn’t how you become someone worthy of love.

I want Lestat to burn. I also love him deeply, like Louis, and. I want them to be together forever.

So then, burn. And maybe in rebirth, maybe he can actually get his act together and be a vampire worthy of their love.

Also: young Daniel *and* present day Daniel / Louis, 100 percent would read. Daniel thirsty for Louis two minutes after they meet is I mean, you know. Not unexpected. Everyone wants Louis, is probably the main problem with Louis.

Rashid is a vampire, to no-one’s surprise.

[crepesuzette2023]

18. for j/p please! :3

Thank you for the lovely prompt! <3

Kiss fic game—18: As encouragement (John & Paul)

The song is about me, Paul thinks, or would have thought, if he were still thinking about it in words. Years have passed since he and John wrote their first songs together, each one believing he was alone in wanting this (the thing they still won’t name, theirs), and by now, they’re past language. They communicate in songs, it’s true, but it’s not just about the words. It’s about feelings and memories, images, certain phrases they both recognize. It’s about reality and fantasy mixed.

When Paul thinks the song is about me, it is a feeling, first and foremost: of being in the song, of being seen and addressed. Undressed.

They’re sitting on the couch in John’s room, Daddy’s room. It feels as if it’s been years since someone disturbed them, but it’s only been an hour, and it’s the middle of the day, too, not midnight, even though it feels like midnight. The rest of the world is that quiet.

John is singing about him in the careless sandpaper voice that makes everything of his sound like a confession. He’s strumming his guitar, not perfect, but on point, and his lips shape words about a girl—a difficult girl, hard to please, impossible to leave.

Is there anybody going to listen to my story

Yes, Paul thinks—

All about the girl who came to stay

She’s the kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry

Still you don’t regret a single day

And then the refrain. A single, drawn-out word, and in between a sharp intake of breath.

Ah, girl

Ah, girl

It sounds like sex. Like the kind of sound Paul imagines John to make by himself, lost in a fantasy of pleasure and pain. Humiliation, too, but there is nothing humiliating about the song, which is brilliant, hypnotic—pure in the way only John’s songs can be.

Paul joins in with the snickering rhythm they’ve come up with together:

She’s the kind of girl who puts you down when friends are there

You feel the fool

When you say she’s looking good she acts as if it’s understood

She’s cool

Ooh ooh

Ooh girl

Girl, girl

It’s starting to get to Paul. John’s breathing is caressing him and sliding inside him like fingers. The girl he’s singing about is cool, but Paul is not—he can act it, and at times he’s grateful when people complain they can’t get close to him because he’s too nice—serves them right—he’s not everyone’s. But with John breathing a whole song into the one he’s singing, Paul can’t help it: he’s melting. Not the way ice is melting, but the way rock is melting. He’s glowing.

Only John can do this, expose himself like this without being weak.

When I think of all the times, I tried so hard to leave her

She would turn to me and start to cry

And she promises the earth to me and I believe her

After all this time I don’t know why

God, Paul had been angry when he’d first heard that verse, but in the strange way their songs are both true and unreal, John had tried to leave, and Paul had…not cried as such, but close enough.

And at the same time: not at all.

Did John really feel Paul had promised him the earth? Had Paul done this? Yes, he thinks. Of course. That was our deal from the start…

Paul’s mind ties itself up in knots. They stop playing at the same time. Don’t stop the music, Paul thinks. It’s too difficult between them without it.

Except, of course, the music is always there.

“I’m not sure about this one,” John says.

“Why not?”

“It’s too…”

Paul waits.

“Too harsh, maybe?”

Paul knows what he means. The next verse, they’ve written together, about the girl’s self-abnegation, her belief in suffering and in making others suffer. A critique of religion, yes, but also a critique of Paul, one Paul does not agree with. But he helped John write it, because it works for the song, and with them, music always comes first.

Was she told when she was young that pain would lead to pleasure

Did she understand it when they said

That a man must break his back to earn his day of leisure

Will she still believe it when he’s dead?

It’s a good song. Better than good. Every word of it is true, all of it, even though it never happened, not like this.

“Hey. John. I think it works you know.”

“Not too much of a drag?”

“No, it’s just right.” Paul plays the Greek dance melody he tagged on to the ending, and John smiles.

“Exotic, almost.”

“That’s it.”

They segue into Michelle, mangling the French without mocking the melody, which they both love, and John joins in for the second half of the bridge: I love you I love you I love you. They’re singing it like an idea, as always.

“You saved that song,” Paul says, not sure what he means, only that he means it.

“It has a similar rhythm to mine,” John says, and sings, emphasizing each syllable: Un til I do I'm ho ping you will know

what I mean

Paul answers:

Ah, girl—

Ah, girl…

And John starts laughing.

They stop playing, and before Paul can miss the music, he puts down his guitar and scoots closer to John, excited all of a sudden. He kisses him, intending a small kiss, a kiss of encouragement, an “it will be all right” kiss. Instead, he lingers, as does John, and they kiss each other slowly, ever more deeply. John’s guitar is still between them on John’s lap. Paul loops his arms around him and throws his leg over John’s and continues kissing him, half sitting. It scares him that John is holding back: allowing, but not taking.

Paul slides his tongue into John’s mouth, thinks of the word cool, cool, and shakes his head. And John touches him, finally: he runs his hands down Paul’s back, his fingertips leaving shivery hot trails to the left and the right of Paul’s spine. And there is the fire, wanting out.

“There.” John puts down his guitar.

They lie down on the sofa, restless, with little space to move, but move they do, slotted against each other precisely. Paul nestles himself into John’s arms and John squeezes his back with a mock-skeptical expression on his face, I’m not sure, do you have another? In response, Paul sucks a fold of flesh and blouse into his mouth and bites down. John draws a hissing breath, like his song.

Paul worms his hand between them, but stops himself. “I want us to be naked.”

John’s arms close around him. His voice sounds muffled. “Like the early days. When we couldn’t let go?” They undress quickly, and it takes an eternity. One of Paul’s legs is still inside his trousers when John pins him down and lies on top of him. Drags his teeth along his cheekbones, and finally takes his mouth.

[wolfpants]

lots of sentences... saturday

I'm creeping my way back to Tumblr after a few much needed weeks off and hey, it's paid off a bit, because I've done some writing I actually kind of like? This is from my upcoming Drarry longfic Terrible People, which I'm hoping to begin posting in the New Year! Thanks for tagging me @oknowkiss (lovely words here!) and @sorrybutblog (lovely words here!)

Pansy’s hand flies across the table. She gets to Draco’s phone before he does.

“Don’t even think about it,” she says. 

Her fingers hover over the screen, nails the same colour as the wine they’re drinking. They glitter under the restaurant’s soft lights like talons.

“That’s pretty fucking rich.” Draco represses the very strong urge to snatch it back like a toddler whose iPad has been taken away. “When you’ve been looking at yours since we sat down.”

“I have a child at home,” Pansy says, just as Ernie starts loudly reciting the dessert choices, offering his commentary on each element.

“—cashew nut crumble, how delightful—”

“And a Neville.” Draco holds out his hand, palm-up. “Give it back, please.”

“No!” Pansy says.

“—ooh, miso caramel. That’s unusual. What d’you reckon, Fletch, shall we get something to share—”

Low and in warning, “Pansy…”

“Draco,” she replies loftily, nose in the air. “Whatever could be so important, anyway? I wonder,” she murmurs, unlocking his phone with a simple tap tap of her fingers, because of course she knows his rudimentary password, 0506.

He silently curses the fateful day their mothers chose to shove them in the same elocution lessons as children, paving the way for their decades-long friendship and Draco’s eternal suffering.

“Work,” he says through gritted teeth.

“Work? On your birthday?” She tuts as she drags down the notifications with her thumb. “On the night where your beloved friends take you out for a fancy meal—”

“—and a dessert wine? Too indulgent? No, I think we should get dessert wine, a bottle for the table perhaps—”

Draco shifts in his chair, a fussy, powder-pink velvet thing with a low wingback in the shape of an open shell. “It might be important.”

“As important as…” Pansy laughs and turns his phone around to show him the screen. “A WhatsApp message from Paul Grindr?”

Draco’s face grows hot. 

This is why he should have kept his phone in his pocket.

He grabs it from her and does just that, then busies himself by straightening out the wrinkles in the tablecloth, a distraction from the itching impulse to read the damn message and block the number.

Another disastrous date. More proof he just isn’t built for the modern world of dating and relationships.

“You never told us about Paul!” Ernie crows from the other side of the table, tossing the small paper menu aside. “Who’s Paul?”

“Literally no one,” Draco says, glaring at his friends. “Now order some fucking dessert, Ernie, no one wants to hear you read the whole fucking menu.”

No pressure tagging @tackytigerfic @skeptiquewrites @academicdisasterfic @wheezykat @lqtraintracks @wrapped-up and anyone who wants to play!

[shes-an-oddbird]

911 Lone Star Tag Game: Beginnings

(1) Which 911 Lone Star season premiere is your favorite?

Probably the season three premiere but I really liked the season two one as well. Tommy being introduced and having to get used to being back in the field. That little bit of hesitation and the discomfort with leaving the twins when she feels like they need her.

I’ve already said this but the season three premiere was just really good. A good balance of the stories, updating us on what happened over the time skip, where everyone is and reconnecting everyone throughout the episode.

(2) Which character do you think had the best introduction or first scene in the show?

I’m going to say Judd had the best introduction over the course of the 1st episode. We learn so much about him so quickly and I think the writers did a great job with it. He loses his entire house in one shot. We learn about his relationship with Grace. They give him this major conflict with Owen right off the bat and you think its going to be drawn out through the entire show but really by the end of the episode they realize they’re just not communicating well because Judd is suffering from PTSD and Owen’s dealing with his own issues but they both want to honor the old 126 and build something new.

(3) What is your favorite moment of 1x01?

My very favorite part is the interviews. They’re so much fun. It is such a quick and easy way to dump a lot of information about the characters in a short span of time and it worked well because they’re interesting characters and it sets up so much potential and if I’m being honest, a little disappointment.

First of all, Paul actually tackled a guy with a gun. I know the takeaway is supposed to be that he was able to pick the guy out in the crowd but he just, no fear, punched a guy with a gun (definitely explains why he and Marjan bonded so quickly).

Marjan doesn’t showcase enough insubordination considering it was half her interview. She says she’s allergic to poor leadership, so the takeaway is obviously that she has some respect for Owen. We do see a lot of reckless Marjan outside of work but as often as Owen acts up, I feel like we should have seen more of this side of her on calls. Also, Marjan just jumping off the pier/bridge to save someone is fantastic. Way to become the coolest character in like less than 10 seconds.

Finally, one thing I will never let go of is the fact that Mateo broke several academy records in field work. Like they brushed that off way too quickly. Even Mateo himself isn’t impressed by this fact because he can’t past the written tests. Assuming those records were in timed skills assessments like the training we see Owen and Paul go through in later episodes, why are we not actually seeing it used in the field? Maybe they could explain it away when he was a probie but he is a full-fledged firefighter now so no excuses.

Anyways the interviews were great. And TK during each interview reading over the resumes and smiling in the background. You just know he’s thinking, “I’m going to befriend you, I’m going to befriend you so much!”

(4) When did you first start watching Lone Star and how did you find out about it?

I think I started watching it somewhat inconsistently when it would come on after OG 911. It was definitely during season 2. I remember getting pulled into a few episodes and I think I finally I sat down and binge watched it in between season two and three. That’s when I got hooked. I really loved OG 911 and didn’t expect to get so much more attached to the lone star characters but I did and they’ve been living rent free in my head ever since.

(5) What is one wish you have for the season 5 premiere?

I know this is very specific but I have a very clear moment in my mind where Paul and Marjan ask TK, Nancy and Mateo who they think would make a better lieutenant and Nancy just refuses to answer because she’s a paramedic and is not qualified to say. TK attempts to get out of answering the same way and while they argue with him that he was a firefighter and could answer, Mateo just bolts and spends the rest of the episode hiding from them because he refuses to choose between them.

(Evenly distributed screentime would also be high on my wish list. I hate when an entire episode goes by and a character or worse, multiple characters only have one or two lines. I know it’s a big cast but please please please I know it can be done.)

thank you for tagging me @lonestar-s5countdown

[americanwh0resstuff]

God knows I tried

Chapter III

Word count: 986

003

Liz walked home with a somber smile on her face, she was disappointed and sad that the beloved Monsignor Pruitt wasn't there, but happy that father Paul had welcomed her with open arms, quite literally. Maybe getting tears on the new priest's shirt wasn't the best way to start her day but she had at least made a new friend out of it.

She made her way down the road towards Sarah's house, a burning pit in her stomach as she took her time, not exactly wanting to have this conversation.

She hoped it would be something simple, 'your mother died in her sleep, it was painless, unexpected' yet she had a feeling that wasn't the case, she just hoped she had t suffered.

Sarah opened the door and gave her a sad smile, leading her into the living room, the empty bed where Mrs gunning used to reside now left empty since she passed a few months ago, Liz got the funeral invite but couldn't get the time off work. She sat down in the soft yet old couch as Sarah made coffee for the two of them, the whistle of the kettle breaking Liz's daydream, thousands of worries rushing through her mind.

"Still take two sugars?" Sarah asked, the two were close friends in high school, they bonded over their dreams of getting out of Crockett and getting a degree, they'd spent their time talking about girls and how miss Keane would react if she found out her brightest students didn't exactly follow in the path of god heterosexual plan. "You're bisexual, that's means you could still marry a man!" Elizabeth's mother would say. Supportive yet still traditional, that was Margaret.

"Okay, I don't think there's any point in dancing around this, so I'll be straight with you, you're mother was sick, very sick, and for a long time."

"What do you mean?" Liz was shocked, she called her mom everyday and she never mentioned it.

"She had cancer in afraid, in her lungs, there was nothing we could do, by the time we caught it, well it was too late, I'm so sorry" Sarah looked down at her mug, stirring the teaspoon in her black coffee.

"I don't understand, she would have told me, she should have told me, I would have came back, I could have taken care of her." Tears welled in her eyes, threatening to spill onto her flushed cheeks. "I'm sorry, I know this is a lot to take in, I tried to convince her to tell you but she refused, I was going to call you myself but I had to keep confidentiality."

At that point Liz stopped listening, her mind going blank as a familiar ringing sounded to her ears.

"I think I need to go." And with that she and Sarah said their goodbyes.

She dragged her feet as she walked home, keeping her eyes glued to the ground, the noises of gravel scraping forming a repetitive rhythm, it was getting dark now and the streets were empty, families sitting down for dinner in there softly lit homes.

"What are you doing out here?" A soft yet commanding voice sounded from behind her, father Paul. "I could ask you the same thing." She still didn't look up from her feet. "Well I thought I'd explore the island a bit more, get to know my surroundings." She nodded, finally looking up at his honey brown eyes, noticing how they glint in the moonlight. "I just got some shocking news and I don't really know how to deal with it, I guess I'm just walking it off." The dark hair man looked off in the distance, nodding in understanding. "If you want to talk about it, I'll happily listen, I've been told I'm a very good listener." He joked.

"How do you deal with knowing somebody you loved suffered for a long time?" This time she could see the understanding in his eyes, the pain of losing someone special.

"I had a sister, when I was a kid, she - she died when I was only 8 when she died and I didn't understand, as I got older I realised-" he looked up at the stars as he took a deep breath. "She suffered, she must have suffered so much, and I didn't even know, I had no idea that the person closest to me was in so much pain, mentally, I could see the physical pain but, as a child you don't see the mental anguish people go through. As a teenager I couldn't stop thinking about how hopeless she must have felt, and I just asked why? Why does god take the ones we love most, that's what lead me to priesthood."

Liz looked up with him through sad eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to overshare." He smiled softly. "No, don't apologise, I'm sorry, that must have been heartbreaking."

Father Paul walked with her all the way home, stopping at the bottom of her porch stairs, she walked up them only to stop at the door. "Do you want to come in for a drink?" He looked around, contemplating what to answer. "You don't have to-"

"Thank you, that would be lovely." He cut her off before climbing the white wooden stairs, the paint chipping more and more with every step.

"Are priests even allowed to drink? I mean when I lived in England as a child the priest would come round to the orphanage and drink but, he wasn't exactly the most orthodox person." She laughed while reaching for the glasses that were slightly too high up for her, luckily the 6'4 priest came to her rescue. "Well as long as we don't black out drunk, I think we're okay." he joked back, placing the two wine glasses on the kitchen table as Liz reached into the liquor cabinet for a bottle.

"White wine okay?"

[msfcatlover]

Because there is a part of me that is legit terrified I might die under anesthesia and I hate the idea of leaving a story unfinished, I’ve queued up this very bare-bones summary of how “Have Mercy” is supposed to go.

Obviously spoilers, and if I don’t die then I will still be writing it, so you don’t have to read this if you don’t want to. But I want it out there just in case.

A big thing in “Have Mercy” is the way we get used to/come to accept things, using major moments of it to steadily downgrade Steph’s threat level. Keeping in mind that they’re still having minor encounters with the other Bats around, or others of roughly similar exposure levels in between chapters as there are months-long timeskips going on, and that superheroes generally have a different margin of forgiveness thanks to how often people get mind-controlled, or manipulated, or flip-flop which side of the fight they’re on.

So each of these is a moment where Steph theoretically could’ve killed Jason with no consequences, but didn’t. Upping both how easily she could’ve gotten away with it & how helpful she ended up being instead each time, and giving Jason chances to see Steph be vulnerable too (giving someone your trust is a pretty good way to earn trust in return.)

Chapter 1: A case gone wrong ends in a situation Jason likely can’t get out of on his own. Steph arrives and ends up handling things in typical Red Hood fashion. Jason stays hidden, too frightened to confront her, and he’s never 100% certain if Steph even realized he was there. Still, in a moment of extreme vulnerability that he couldn’t escape from, trapped in a room with Steph & no backup, Jason walked away completely unharmed by her. She is not inherently a horrid omen of pain.

Chapter 2: A seemingly inadvertent rescue. Jason is captured by villains, and can’t escape on his own. He can’t get through to the other Bats. Steph shows up and takes care of the bad guys before saving Jason. They have a brief conversation which very vaguely hints at Steph regretting the Tower attack and gives them some minor connection, then Jason leaves once again completely unharmed. There is no question this time that Steph, while she might not have intended to save Jason, made the active choice not to treat him as an active threat/enemy.

Chapter 3: Jason leaves the manor after having his huge fight with Bruce over the Garzonas incident (note: Jason did not kill him, but he’s not sorry the asshole died, and honestly? With Bruce & Cass & Damian so rigid in their own morality? The fact Jason is okay with certain terrible people dying is really messing with Jason’s head and making him feel even more shitty than he already did.) Duke is on a date, Cass is off-world, Damian’s in Bludhaven, but Jean-Paul’s couch is always available to any Bat who needs it and Jason desperately needs it right now. However, when Jason gets there he doesn’t find JPV—he finds Stephanie Brown, out of her armor and struggling to patch herself up after a fight gone very, very wrong. They do argue, but Steph is mostly too tired to do this right now and Jason doesn’t feel good picking a fight with someone who can barely move half their limbs, and neither of them wants to deal with Bruce, so they call a temporary truce. Steph shares the takeout she bought. Jason gets to vent a little, and Steph (unsurprisingly) gets it. She doesn’t necessarily say all the right things, but she gets where he’s coming from, and that means something. Jason still calls dibs on the bedroom, since it can lock from the inside, but he wakes up the next day to an empty apartment with barely any sign that Steph was ever there at all. Still, Jason saw Steph’s humanity again for the first time, saw that she could be hurt & worn-down & miserable just like any of them, they had a much stronger point of connection, and he was able to sleep in the same apartment as her without suffering anything other than some heated arguing.

Chapter 4: Almost all action scene probably, ugh. Major breakout happens, through total coincidence Steph & Jason end up in the same place at the same time. Jason specifically took a gamble in running to her as the closest probable-ally, but for all Steph complains, she jumps straight to covering him. They fight surprisingly well together, and you can see them getting more comfortable around eachother as the fight progresses. Nothing forces trust quite like fighting back-to-back with someone for both of your lives.

Chapter 5: The Ear Infection Incident. Jason’s so sick he gets lost, Steph finds him and takes him back to a safehouse to treat his ear & keep him from getting hurt wandering half-delirious with fever. They have a shockingly sincere conversation in which Jason accidentally cuts Steph right to the heart a few times and she clearly reconsiders her approach. The whole time, she is nothing but caring & gentle with him, despite her sharp words & constant complaining. Jason actually falls asleep with his head in her lap, and wakes up to Damian freaking the fuck out and trying to get a very offended Steph to get the hell away from his little brother. Jason is mostly just disgruntled and wants to go back to sleep.

Chapter 6: Switch to Steph’s POV as she talks her way into the Joker’s lair, convincing him she’s taking him up on that invite he sent out. It’s borderline impossible to keep up the banter when she sees the mess the rogues have made of Jason, sickeningly reminiscent of her own death. She beats the Joker into bloody paste, and Jason seems hesitant & shaky when Steph approaches Jason, but all she does is apologize profusely for not being there sooner and free Jason from his bonds. Jason slumps into her arms, too hurt & tired to hold himself up, and Steph helps him rehydrate while trying to reassure Jason that everything’s going to be alright. Jason tries to tell Steph that she was right back at the Tower, and Steph finally tells him that she was wrong and so, so, so very sorry for what she did. They stay there for as long as Jason needs before Steph carries him as gently as possible out of the lair. When she tries to give Jason back to the rest of the family, Jason latches onto Steph—his savior, his hero, his Shadow—and refuses to let her go.

Ends with Steph bracing herself for how miserable she’s going to be having to be around the other Bats for the foreseeable future, and climbing into the back of the Batmobile with Jason. Her little brother needs her, after all. Nothing else matters.

[momthesearemydinnerguests]

Also, I haven't seen anyone talking about this, but re: the train scene, did anyone else notice the parallel between that scene and the church scene in episode 1? Like specifically the way that Lestat uses violence against innocent bystanders in order to force Louis and Claudia's hands, and the way the tone seems completely different in each scene but the underlying effect is the same.

In the church scene, Louis is already absolutely broken at the beginning. Every last defense he had against Lestat has been driven away - chiefly Louis's belief in his family and community's love. He is grieving alone, he's obviously fucking traumatized by witnessing Paul's death, and all his illusions about himself have been shattered. Because Louis is already completely broken and vulnerable, Lestat is able to present himself as a savior. A dark, tainted savior, sure, but one who sees and understands Louis and loves him anyway.

In Claudia's case, we kind of have the opposite. She's been through plenty of trauma already, but she never really had a community to begin with. She was always alone, and her status as the outsider in the marriage allows her to see Lestat for who he really is. She doesn't need him to save her, and he DIDN'T save her when she was hurting. So she learned to save herself. Lestat can't make her his obedient little daughter, he can't enforce the vision he so desperately clings to that they are a happy family. Much like Daniel tearing apart Louis's construction of events, Claudia threatens Lestat's. But as sick and fucked up as his "love" is, he can't let her go because she is essential to that vision. So instead he terrifies her, threatens extreme violence, forces her to come home.

In both scenes, Lestat uses violence against an innocent observer to threaten his family into submission. In Louis's case, the violence we see is much more extreme, but the threat is subtle. With Claudia, we only see the aftermath of the violence (head puppet, anyone?), but his threats are explicit. In both scenes, however, the effect is the same: Lestat is basically saying they can either join him and be a family, and his love/wealth/color can shelter them from the outside world (Louis from the judgement and condemnation of others, Claudia from the physical abuse she's suffered), or they can suffer. There are threats out there much worse than him, and if these are things he is capable of - he who loves them - then what are they capable of?

This is further reinforced by the tenderness that Lestat shows moments after - to Louis in the church scene, and to that gorgeous mastiff in the train scene. Lestat is capable of great monstrosity, yes, but he can use that monstrosity to protect them! They could be Happy™️. And the sad part is that Lestat himself believes this. He wants desperately for them to be a family, because in his own fucked up way, he does live them. They are supposed to be his chance at happiness and being loved in return. But he's so gucking divorced from what love actually looks like, that in the end he's just recreating the very life he is trying so hard to escape.