#which makes trying to find someone to date in a country where it's legal ANNOYING

[barnes-dameron]

I Think of You

Double Sided Facade 

Soccer player!Cassian Andor x physical therapist!reader

Summary: You came to this country to learn the language and find work to pay off for school, nothing else. Getting a job as a physical therapist for the National soccer team was a plus and getting to see the star player, Cassian Andor, was a major plus as well. But what happens when your visa expires and immigration is on your tail? Your only hope resides in Cassian, who is more than willing to marry you until you can get your green card. What can go wrong?

Word count: 2.9k 

A/N: This is going to be a series but I don’t know how long will it be. I didn’t explicitly say what country this is taking place in because I want everyone who reads this to feel included. So for example, if you’re from the U.S., you can pretend it takes place in Mexico since Diego Luna is from there. Or if you’re from Mexico, you can pretend it takes place in the U.S. or another country. I want all readers to feel included instead of being excluded.  I hope you all enjoy! Let me know if you want to be tagged for future parts. 

Catch up: Part One

***

Cassian had to admit to himself that he was starting to panic when he saw your reaction to his insane question. You stood there in front of him, your eyes wide and your mouth open and gaping. 

“Cassian,” you let out slowly in a voice just above a whisper. “What are you doing?” 

Cassian got up from his stance on the floor to stand in front of you. He needed to be calm and collected, else wise he would spill everything to you. 

“I know about your visa,” Cassian revealed. “You can’t leave now. Not when the season is about to start. So I figured the best way for you to stay is marrying a citizen so you can at least get a residency here faster than the usual process.”

Cassian watched your chest rise slowly and fall at the same rate. Your eyes were no longer wide from shock, but were wide with disbelief. 

“Cassian, I can’t let you do this,” you whispered. “If someone finds out that the marriage is fake, it could run your career.” 

“I’m willing to take that chance,” Cassian replied quickly. meaning every word.

“You would really do this?” you asked, your gaze burning into Cassian, but he welcomed it either way. 

“I would,” Cassian said, looking into your eyes and noting the different shades of color. He suddenly found it hard to breathe in that moment. “It’s what’s best for-” He stopped himself before he could say anything else. He was about to say for you, he would do whatever he can, whatever is best for you. But he couldn’t say that, and you couldn’t know. “The team,” he finished. “It’s what’s best for the team.” 

“Okay,” you said, nodding your head. “I have to go tell Mon and Bail.” 

Cassian let out a breath that he didn’t even know he was holding as he watched you make your way out of the exam room to the door. So this was happening. It wasn’t how he imagined it in his head. He always thought he would propose to you on the beach after a night of dinner and dancing. The moon would be shining bright, casting its reflection on the navy blue waves. The sand would still be warm under your feet. It would’ve been perfect. Of course, he imagined asking you to marry him would occur after two years of dating and learning everything about you. But life doesn’t come out the way you plan doesn’t it? 

Cassian turned around in the room, looking for where he put his shoes before participating in the therapy. But the next thing he knew, you were wrapping your arms around his neck, and fitting your head against his neck. Cassian was shocked from both the embrace and the closeness. However he welcomed the warmth that radiated off of you and the sweet scent from your shampoo. 

“Thank you,” you mumbled into his neck. “You don’t know how much this means to me.”

As quickly as you appeared before him, you left, leaving him a gaping mess as he processed what just happened. He kicked himself for not reciprocating the action. He wanted to wrap his arms around you and bring you closer to him. He wanted to press his head against yours, and leave you a kiss. But instead he was shocked from the action, and stood there like a tree. Well, hopefully the opportunity would present itself again. 

***

You traced the wood pattern of the table as Anderson’s voice droned on and on in the Rebel’s conference room. It’s been about two weeks since Cassian’s proposal, and once you told Mon and Bail, they sent out for Anderson to draw up the marital contract. 

You sat at the long oak table listening to Anderson, who sat at the head of the table. Alongside you was your own lawyer, diligently taking notes on her pad. After revealing everything that happened to you to Jyn, she recommended for you to get your own lawyer in case someone “tries to screw you over,” her words. Across the table sat Cassian, dressed in a suit instead of his usual uniform which you were so used to seeing him in. You secretly scolded yourself from admiring the way he looks in it. Does he have to look good in everything he wears?  He was sitting next to his own lawyer who was also taking notes. 

“So in summary,” Anderson finally said, grabbing your attention at last. “Mr. Andor and Ms. L/N will marry as soon as possible so his citizenship would cover her for a time period of one year. During the time period, Ms. L/N will be required to live with Mr. Andor in order to make the marriage look authentic and in the case an immigration worker makes a surprise home visit. After the one year time period, they are free to divorce. Is there anything that the parties would like to present?” 

“Yes,” your lawyer jumped in as soon as Anderson finished. “My client would like to propose that she and Mr. Andor will get an annulment instead of a divorce, for personal reasons.” 

You felt the heat rise to your cheeks when your lawyer announced that. You really didn’t want to get a divorce, the idea of divorcing someone without a good reason bothered you. Plus the divorce could bring unwanted publicity since you would be divorcing the captain of the major soccer team in the country, and there could be a possibility that someone will unveil the true nature of your fake relationship. 

You watched Anderson’s brow furrow together, his pen trembling a bit in his hand. 

“Well,” Anderson said, still processing the request. “The only grounds for annulment for the two parties would be failure to consummate the marriage.”

“That’s right,” your lawyer replied confidently, her spine straight and her gaze icy. That was another personal reason. It’s not that you didn’t want to have sex with Cassian, but you were sure that he doesn’t have any intention to be with you intimately. He wasn’t doing this whole thing for you anyway, it was for the team. You figured it would be best for the both of you to try and maintain your mutual friendship as long as possible, not to make it any more awkward then it needs to be. “Since my client works closely with Mr. Andor, we thought it might be best that they maintain their professional relationship.” 

“I see,” Anderson said, turning his attention to Cassian’s side of the table. “Does the other party agree with this proposal?”

“Yes,” Cassian replied, not waiting to discuss with his lawyer who seemed to be annoyed with him. 

“Very well,” Anderson concluded, making a note on his pad. “Is there anything else?”

“Yes,” Cassian’s lawyer spoke up. “We would like to propose that Ms. L/N will sign a prenuptial agreement in order to protect the wealth and properties of my client.” 

You felt like a bucket of ice cold water was dumped over your head. A part of you couldn’t believe that Cassian would think you would take half of his money and belongings. Does he really think that lowly of you? However at the same time, you understood why he would do it. It’s only temporary, you reminded yourself. 

“Understandable,” Anderson said, turning his gaze to you and your lawyer. “Does the other party agree with this proposal?”

“Yes,” you affirmed, pressing your lips into a fine line. 

You never thought this was how your marriage would start off...with a legalized contract and lawyers. Every little girl’s dream. 

“Very well,” Anderson said, making another note. “If there is nothing else, I will go ahead and add these points so that it is ready to be signed tomorrow. As for now, you are dismissed.”

You watched as Anderson packed up his documents into his briefcase before leaving the room. As you watched him walk out, you silently wondered how big is the stick that seems to be shoved up in his ass. Your lawyer gave you a small goodbye as she too left the room with her briefcase. You took a deep breath, glad that this meeting was over. You bent down to grab your bag, and when you stood back up, you were met with Cassian’s stance right in front of you. 

“Hey,” he started, his hands shoved into his pants pockets. “I was wondering if you were still free for tonight?” 

Over the past two weeks, you and Cassian have been going out to dinner in order to learn more about each other so you can make your marriage look real. Neither of you know what kind of questions the immigration agent will ask, so you had to learn everything about each other, inside and out. It’s been nice, but after every dinner, you had to remind yourself that it was all fake. Your relationship is fake, the marriage will be fake, but you couldn’t help to feel real feelings. The dinners were a facade for the public, but at times the facade fooled you as well. Fooled you to think that it was real, and gave you false hope that anything could happen.

“Yeah,” you replied, ignoring the butterflies that were erupting in your stomach. 

“Great,” Cassian said, a small grin appearing on his face, making your knee go weak. “I’ll pick you up around six.” 

“Great,” you repeated. “I’ll see you then.” 

You gripped the strap of your bag, and made your way out of the room towards the elevators, not bothering to give Cassian a goodbye. As soon as you got into the elevator, you pressed your head against the wall. You can’t catch feelings. You can’t risk this, and mess it up for both you and Cassian. But you couldn’t help but think about Cassian’s smile when hearing you were free. He smiled...

***

Cassian waited outside in front of your apartment building, leaning against his car. He would’ve gone up to get you, but you begged him not to. The first time he took you out, he came to your door. Some of your neighbors caught sight of him and instantly recognized him, which led to autographs and pictures and caused you two to be late to the dinner reservation. After that, you told him not to come up again, and he respected your wishes. 

His head snapped up when he heard the building door open. Cassian’s stomach dropped to the street and every rational thought in his mind disappeared into the abyss. The only thing he could focus on was you. You were wearing a flowing magenta off the shoulders dress. The length ended just a little below your knee, revealing your smooth beautiful legs. You wore your hair naturally with a flower behind your right ear. Your stride was graceful and confident, like a queen. All the air escaped Cassian’s lungs, and he felt heat blooming in his core as well as his cock hardening. 

“Hi,” you greeted. “Are you ready?” 

“Yes,” Cassian got out, struggling to find proper words. “Let’s go.”

Cassian opened the passenger door for you, trying to think of things to calm himself down. The drive to the restaurant was silent. You didn’t say anything, just looked out the window, and Cassian couldn’t think of anything to say to you in that moment. He was still in shock of your beauty. He always thought you were a beautiful woman, but tonight you were strikingly gorgeous. The past couple of dinners, Cassian wanted them to be a date without an impending marriage hanging over your heads. But now, he desperately wanted tonight to be a date. He wanted to hold your hand, to hug you close, and to kiss you with everything he has. But then he remembered the annulment that you requested. He can’t have what he truly wanted. He was Tantalus and you were a delectable fruit. He could only admire the thing he wanted most, but knows he will never get it.

Cassian walked behind you as the two of you entered the restaurant. It was softly lighted, creating a romantic ambiance to the place that he originally didn’t intend. The place was near the beach, the gentle lapping of the waves heard in the background when the violinist was in between songs. Cassian has never been to this restaurant, and he mentally cursed Kay for suggesting this place. This place will only make it harder to suppress his feelings toward you. 

The waiter sat you both at a table that was close to the beach and near the violinist. The candle light from the center of the table casted a soft glow on your face, bringing out your gentle features. Cassian had to be sure to take deep breaths every once in a while. This would be the last dinner as colleagues before becoming husband and wife. The thought still shocked Cassian. 

“So that meeting today,” you said, trying to break the silence. 

“Yeah,” Cassian let out, trying to think of something else to say. “Kinda crazy right?” 

“I know,” you replied. “I just hope nothing changes between us.”

That comment hit Cassian like a bullet in the chest. So it was clear, you didn’t want anything else with him. He always thought that was how you felt, but hearing you actually say it hurts even more. 

“Yeah,” Cassian agreed. “It’s only for a year anyways, it’ll be over before we know it.” 

Cassian felt a pang in his heart when you pressed your lips into a thin line. This whole thing was crazy. Cassian knew he would fall deeper in love with you as this time goes by, which would make the split hurt more. He would be worse off next year compared to now. Cassian thought he was broken now, but once you walk away from this fake relationship, he will be shattered. Cassian couldn’t concentrate on the items on the menu, and decided to order whatever the chef recommends. 

“Cassian,” you said, placing your hand on top of his softly, gently grabbing his attention. He felt an electric shock upon the touch, making it hard for him to concentrate. “Are you sure you want to do this? You could still back out, we didn’t sign the contract yet.” 

Of course he wanted to do this. Sure you two would only be husband and wife on paper, wouldn’t be an actual couple, wouldn’t exchange blissful kisses, or even have sex. But he would still get to see you every day and night, and that was enough for him. 

“I’m sure,” Cassian affirmed. “This is what’s best.” Cassian fumbled his other hand around in his pants pocket, reaching for the small velvet box. It was Anderson’s idea to make a formal proposal in public in order to get the support of the fans. They needed to get the public’s support so no one would dare question the nature of your marriage. “Are you ready?” 

“Yes,” you breathed out, rubbing your hands over your thighs. “Let’s do this.” 

Cassian nodded, getting out of his seat and kneeling on one knee before you, the second time. He heard the collective gasps and “oh my gosh’s” of the other restaurant patrons. He saw the flashes of people taking pictures from his peripheral vision, and heard the whispers of others saying “Is that Cassian Andor from the Rebels?” The plan was working. Cassian brought out the navy blue box, presenting it to you, and opening it to reveal a dazzling two karat diamond ring. He had to admit it to himself, he found it fun picking out a ring for you. He wanted to get you something that was impressive but no too over the top. When his eyes landed on the chosen ring, he knew it would be perfect for you. But some of the dread washed up against him. At some point in the future he’ll have to return it. For now, however, he pushed those thoughts aside. 

“Y/N L/N,” Cassian began. “Love of my life, my only one, will you marry me?” 

He watched you bring both your hands to cover your mouth in shock, before pressing them against your heart. A smile spread across your face as tears formed in the corner of your eyes. You nodded your head, pretending to be at a loss for words then strangling out a quiet “yes.” You were a good actress. 

Cassian smiled in turn, placing the ring on your finger as the small crowd around him applauded. He placed his hand along your jaw, bringing your lips to meet his. This was his first kiss with you, and he never wanted it to end. Your lips were smooth and soft to the touch, intoxicating if anything. But he pulled back, not wanting to get caught up in the action. He smiled at you when he broke away, watching as you did the same. 

So this was it, the beginning of a long journey which would leave Cassian an utter mess. For a moment, however, he got caught up in the scheme. For a moment, he felt like he was actually proposing to you. For a moment, he felt that your yes was genuine. For a moment, he felt that your returned kiss matched his feelings. But it was all a lie; a coping mechanism for the impending future. 

Cassian turned around, facing the multiple cameras and smiling with your hand in his. He nodded to some who waved, and thanked those who gave him congratulations. 

And this is only the beginning, Cassian thought to himself.  

To be continued...

[experiment-000]

zuko-is-straight has some pretty good zukka critisism/anti zukka stuff on her blog!

Thanks for the suggestion but I don't really want zukka hate or even criticism. I don't hate zukka as a ship it's just not my cup of tea. I'm just annoyed at how anti zutara the zukka side of the fandom seems to be. And frankly even if I did hate zukka as a ship I know it wouldn't be productive to seek out zukka hate because that would just validate my hatred and likely lead to me resenting people just for shipping it.

We need to be able to separate our feelings about ships from our feelings about the shipper. I know it's difficult there are certain ships that if someone says they ship it I immediately recoil, and even though I think it's because I really dislike the ship, I know in reality it's because of how much fans of that ship have hated on fans of my ship, and therefore how much anti their ship stuff I've seen. Arguments for why that ship is a terrible ship and why my ship us so much better.

But the thing is this is shipping fictional characters. It doesn't really matter which ship has more chemistry or which ship makes more canon sense or which ship is the least problematic because they're not real. People in one fandom likely have so many things in common because they're all in that fandom, yet we divide ourselves by shipping different things. I see so many posts saying don't interact if you ship this, this, this or this. Yet these blogs don't just post ship stuff. Shipping doesn't have to have anything to do with it. Heck I was told not to interact with a blog because I'm neutral to some ships. And this blog didn't even post shipping content generally. And yes these ships are arguably "problematic". And as a result I'm not a big fan of them. However, they're some of the most popular ships in the fandom, so much of the fanfiction features those ships. So if I see a fanfic that happens to have that ship in, but also has a very appealing plot to me, then I'll read it.

To bring it back round to zukka. Yeah I've read some zukka fanfic. If I see cute zukka art I'll like it. Same with kataang or maiko or any other atla ship. And yes I would avoid any incest or large age gaps or pedophilia or abusive relationships, and I'm still conflicted on whether or not people should be condemned for shipping these things. It's not hurting anyone because it's all fictional. But pedophilia especially is very wrong. But I do think we need to think about its definition. Pedophilia is a psychiatric disorder in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children. "Prepubescent" being a key word.

Shipping a 16 year old and an 18 year old is something I find perfectly ok. They likely have similar levels of maturity, both having reached puberty most likely, and it's perfectly legal in the country I live, where the age of consent is 16. However if someone was shipping a 16 year old with a 40 year old I would avoid it like the plagye because of the power difference, even though it's perfectly legal where I'm from.

So what about shipping those who are underage? This is where we talk about avatar and its ships. Personally I don't have any issues with shipping teenagers. They're growing up, date in real life, and are often portrayed as having romantic relationships in canon. However, I do think we should keep it sfw as a general rule. But guess what, a lot of people in fandom are teenagers. We can say under 18s don't interact with smut or nsfw content but it won't stop them. Certainly didn't stop me. Growing up I wanted smut of these teenage ships because I was their age. Should we really deny teenage shippers the chance to learn about their sexuality through nsfw fandom?

But then what about adults in these fandoms? I'm 18. I'm still learning how to be an adult in fandom. I grew up shipping these teenage ships and yeah reading smut about them. I was their age was that really so wrong? I don't have the answers to this question. Right now I'm still of an age where I feel I'm allowed to find Zuko attractive. But I won't be in a few years, and I don't feel allowed to find the younger characters attractive anymore, even though I did when I was their age. And frankly I'm starting to find them less attractive anyway probably because I'm now considering them young.

But what about shipping? I'm not gonna stop shipping zutara because it's such a nostalgic ship for me. Shipping a 14 year old and a 16 year old I see no moral issues with that according to the law of my country, as even though a 14 year old is below the age of consent, it's generally considered anyone age 13-15 may be in a sexual relationship with someone within two years age of them (but over 13) and the elder will face no legal retribution as long as it's consensual. And of course teenagers often date chastely anyway.

I have no issues with continuing to ship zutara, the question is should I be allowed to consume nsfw zutara content set when they're the canon ages. And I think the answer to that for me is I'm no longer interested in it. I find them too young and in canon they had too much other stuff to think about to be thinking about sex. Would I read aged up zutara smut? Sure why not? Would I read a fic with fade to black sex at the canon ages? Sure I guess as it'd likely have a larger plot of the smut was fade to black. If I encountered a fic that I wanted to read that had some smut scenes at canon ages I would likely skim or skip over it now. And I think that's the answer. Most adults wouldn't want to read smut about teenagers. Smut about teenagers exists for teenagers. Don't condemn them for it.

I don't ship zukka cos I just prefer their dynamic as friends and never really saw the chemistry. That doesn't make me homophobic. I ship zutara because it's what I started shipping when I first watched avatar when I was 13. I think they have a lot of chemistry and are great foils to each other and have similar levels of maturity. Momtara and dadko but as in they're the mom friend and the dad friend is one of my favourite things because he actually helps around camp and frankly parents the younger members of the group just like katara has from the start. That's why I don't ship kataang too. I think aang is too young to be shipped really. Especially not with Katara who mothers him and is much more emotionally mature than him. That doesn't mean I hate aang as a character - I don't. These are just my personal opinions on ships, and they're no more valid than anyone else's.

The fact that I don't ship these ships doesn't mean I hate them. And definitely doesn't mean I hate their shippers. I wish we could all just be friends. We all love avatar yet we've been divided by the fictional relationships. That's why I don't want to see hate for any ship on my blog. Even criticism leads to hatred. I don't think there's anything wrong with hating a ship. The issue lies in letting your hate for a ship become hate for the shippers. That's why I try not to post any hate for ships - it perpetuates an environment of hate.

So thank you for the blog suggestion, but it's just not what I look for in fandom anymore.

[planetsam]

The impact is jarring.

“Shit, sorry,” the apology comes quickly and from his spot on the ground, Alex tries not to pray for the floor to open up and swallow him whole. He wishes he had two left feet instead of the awful truth, “here, let me—“ he drags his eyes from the hand to the face and inhales sharply.

“Guerin?”

He looks different. Older. But the pain in his eyes is chillingly the same. Alex ignores the hand and finds his footing as he makes his way to his feet. It’s not how he saw this reunion going. Then again, nothing is how he saw it. Michael’s hand lingers for a moment before it falls to his side. He tucks it away before Alex can see the scars and while he appreciates the sentiment, they’ve been burned into the back of his eyes since the hammer was brought down. He focuses instead on Michael and forces himself to take in the man he’s become. He’d be lying if he said it hurts but he’s got no right to feel anything about how Michael’s turned out.

“Hi,” Michael says and however Alex was expecting his voice to sound, small is not it. Something shows on his face because he can pinpoint the instant Michael’s walls come down, “what are you doing here?” He asks.

“That’s—“

“Classified?” Michael offers and Alex rolls his eyes at his tone, “didn’t realize the ufo emporium was hosting actual aliens these days.”

“I was going to say none of your business,” Alex cuts in, “I figured you’d be long gone by the time I came back.”

Michael scoffs, looks away and Alex feels his hackles rise. Michael’s looking for a fight, again. Apparently nothing has changed. The scruffy, hollow look is still the same, he’s still finding sleep in the bottom of a bottle. Alex doesn’t know how someone so bright can throw their lives away like that, but hell there’s a lot about him Alex knows he’ll never understand. He’s got better things to do with his time anyway.

“I guess if you ever came back you’d have known,” Michael sneers. It’d be an ugly thing if there wasn’t something so sad about it.

“I never had a reason to come back,” he says instead, “and you’re right. Now the reason’s classified.

“Well I’ll let you get to your super secret alien business,” he says with a fake salute, “oh there’s a metal detector in there now,” he throws over his shoulder as he walks away, “don’t forget your keys, coins and whatever else you’ve got.”

Alex cringes at the thought of struggling out of his prosthetic. Or presenting that stupid card he was given. His mouth goes dry. He doesn’t want to answer the questions that will follow. Not today. He decides this trip was stupid, he’s not a teenager trying to get out of the house. He’s an adult who can leave whenever he wants.

Besides, he doesn’t exactly need to seek out memory lane when it’s apparently walking around town.

*

“Nothing ever changes with you, does it?”

Michael’s shoulders stiffen and Alex immediately regrets his question. He could blame it on the liquor but he knows that’s not it. Not after a night of watching Michael slip in and out of dark corners with different people. There’s a growing pain in the back of his skull but he’s pushed past worse. Right now he’s focused on Michael. Michael sets down the glass and glares at him.

“You got something to say?” He challenges and Alex feels his muscles tense.

“I just did,” he shoots back.

“Screw you,” Michael snaps and much to Alex’s shock he turns and walks away.

Maria shoots him a look and shakes her head but Alex is past caring. He follows him. He has orders to be here and he can’t do that if every moment Michael is there making different parts of him hurt. He follows him out into the night, wincing at the sounds of a fist slamming into brick. When he gets there Michael has his arms braced against the brick and his face turned away.

“What’s going on?” Alex questions.

“What the hell do you care?” Michael questions.

“There’s no way you’ve been on this kind of bender for this long,” he says, “you’d be dead.”

“Don’t tempt me.”

“That’s not funny,” Alex snaps, “I have to be here,” he says, “I have orders. I have to be here,” Micheal presses his forehead against the brick, “it’s got nothing to do with you. You have—“

“No reason to go on a bender?” Michael fills in.

“Yes,” Alex says.

Michael makes a sound that sends chills down Alex’s spine. It’s a wounded sound, something that makes him think he’s never going to hear a laugh properly again. He had hoped pointing out he didn’t want to be there, that he wasn’t there for him, that it would somehow make things better. But the sound Michael makes makes him want to find a bottle and didn’t until he forgets it. The pain in his head spikes. Before he can help himself a hiss escapes his lips.

Michael’s reaction is instant. He steps out of the darkness and to Alex’s shock, his eyes go from his face to the one thing Alex has tried to keep hidden. Embarrassment sinks into his stomach as a thousand scenarios fly thought his head for how a Michael could have found out. Why he didn’t say anything. Who else could possibly know. Everyone, he reasons with a dry mouth. Everyone must know because it’s not enough that he gets his leg blown off and sent to torture his father with the reminder of how bad a soldier he is. No, he also has to show everyone that he can’t do the simplest thing like walk properly anymore. Michael’s eyes lock on his and Alex feels laid bare, like Michael knows exactly what he’s thinking.

“Alex—“

“I have orders,” he repeats, “this is the only chance I have of serving my country,” Michael cringes, “I have to be here.”

“Yeah I know,” he says in that small voice again.

“No, you don’t,” Alex says, “I have to be here. I have orders.”

“I said I got it!” Michael says loudly, something desperate and defensive in his voice.

Alex doesn’t feel a breeze but there must be one that makes the lid of the trash can slam. It echoes in his rattled brain, sending the coming headache into overdrive. He wants to push past the pain and keep fighting but even he can tell there’s no victory to be had here. Michael seems to know it too. He scrubs his face wipes his hands before hiding them away.

“Just stay away from me,” Michael says, “it’s a small town but you can manage that.”

“The ‘small town’ isn’t the problem,” Alex says.

“Fine,” Michael shoots back, whatever he was about to say is lost to the tight press of his lips. Alex wants to pry his mouth open and snatch them out. Or do something even stupider but all he can do is nod, “see you around,” he says, “or hopefully not.”

Alex watches him walk away and realizes the sight is very, very painful.

**

“How did you know about my leg?”

Michael rolls his eyes as he drops his french fry. He looks annoyed and Alex knows he’s been trying to avoid him. Alex has been trying to avoid Michael in equal measure. It’s not hard on busy days. But proximity to Michael is fucking with his head. He’s turning every stupid moment over so many times it’s giving him literal headaches. He’s trained to push past the pain of things like that. But it’s an annoyance he wants to deal with.

“I googled it,” he says.

��No, you knew exactly where my leg was,” Alex says. Michael presses his lips together and looks away. The pain in his head throbs, “how did you know?”

“I could see the place,” he says, “through your pants. Danger of wearing tight jeans.”

Heat floods Alex’s face even though they both know that’s bullshit. He’s not expecting to see Michael’s face go pink as well, even though the real give away is the usual tell Michael has.

“I can’t tell if it’s worse that you’re lying to yourself or to my face,” Alex says.

“Think about it and get back to me,” Michael replies with a lop sided grin that makes Alex’s stomach do a flip flop he most certainly doesn’t need right now, “can I finish my fries, I gotta get back to work.”

“You have a job?”

“Yeah I have a job,” Michael snaps, though this is different than his usual retorts, “is that hard to believe?”

“A legal job?” Alex repeats.

“Oh my god—yes, Alex, I have a legal job,” Michael says, “Can I get this to go?” He asks loudly and then swivels to face him, “let’s keep avoiding each other.”

“I’m sorry,” Alex blurts out, still trying to process that Michael who has all the appearance and drinking habits of a small town criminal has a job, “I didn’t—“

“Yeah you did,” Michael cuts in, “I’m a mechanic,” he says and that small voice creeps in, the one Alex hates even as he is impressed at Michaels ability to let a stranger in, even a little bit, “I got my ASE.”

“I didn’t know,” Alex says.

Michael shrugs.

Alex turns from the sun as the pain hits harder. Michael swears under his breath and shifts forward but Alex holds up a hand to stop him. He shifts back though out of the corner of his eye Alex can see he’s ready to spring forward.

“I got it recently, that’s why it didn’t come up,” he says, his voice low and urgent, “that’s all.”

“Come up?”

“Of course you already looked me up, I just passed the exam. I don’t even have the certification yet. But we both know i passed, yeah? But it just didn’t come up, that’s all. If you look again it’ll be there now.”

Alex focuses on his voice and his own breathing as the sharp pain recedes. It’s manageable, it’s a linger ache which seems to be the best he gets these days. He looks over to Michael to say something but Michael is somehow already moving fast towards the door. He doesn’t look back as he goes, just gets the hell out of there as fast as he can. Like seeing Alex in pain is still something he doesn’t know how to deal with.

It’s confusing as hell but the bright light makes him turn away and when he looks back the truck is speeding off and Michael’s already gone.

When he goes back and looks it up, Michael’s name is in the database.

But the test is dated six months ago.

***

The headaches aren’t enough to distract him from the fact that he is being lied to.

And not in the usual way.

Alex has been fed lies his entire life. About being wanted and loved, about fitting in, about how if he accepted himself everyone else would too. It’s been a long time since he believed any of them. But the level that it’s been taken to is almost laughable. Almost. It’s weeks before he’s in the same room as Michael again. The funny thing is that some instinctive part of him still tries to trust Michael. Still clings to the brave, brave boy who would throw everything away to protect him.

“Been to a lot of drive ins lately?” Michael asks when they somehow wind up alone.

“Not unless you count my laptop and a humvee,” Alex says.

Michael snorts which is immediately calming and troubling. Michael’s always gotten his sense of humor but he’s always hated the military that hangs over Alex. The military and authority in general. The fastest way to get Michael to do something is to tell him to do the opposite, everyone knows that. Especially Michael himself. But Michael chuckles and Alex feels himself relaxing despite his best efforts to remain angry and on task.

“What about you?” He asks.

“Not really one for the drive in,” Michael says, drumming his thumbs on the bottle.

“Why’s that?” Alex asks.

“Come on, Alex,” Michael drawls.

The heat on his cheeks is back. He can just picture Michael and a long line of girls. Which feels—he doesn’t want to name the feeling that it inspires. He doesn’t have a right to that anymore. Michael can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants in the back of the truck. Instead Alex glances around until Michael gives him a questioning look.

“I’m just trying to decide if it’s safe to sit here,” he says.

Michael laughs in surprise but it’s a real laugh before he clutches his fist to his chest with fake dramatics.

“You know I take good care of my truck.”

Alex shakes his head but doesn’t argue for once because Michael has always taken good care of his truck. It’s why he’s the only person Alex knows who still drives his car from high school and it isn’t a complete death trap. He can also remember a time when he was the only one Michael made out with in his prized truck. Not half of Roswell. The bittersweet feeling lingers but for once the headache isn’t the thing that he’s most focused on. It’s almost nice to be sitting there with him. Even if the others would be back any second.

“So is Roswell as good as you remember?” Michael asks.

“Good? Are we talking about the same Roswell?” Alex asks, “remember when you couldn’t wait to get out of here?”

“Yeah but you did,” Michael points out, but there isn’t a challenge in his words for once, “so how’s it being back?”

Alex shrugs.

He wants to say being back sucks. That he regrets every second he’s spent away dreaming of this place because the reality is worse. He wants to grab Michael’s stupid lapels and demand to know why things are the way they are. Why everyone’s lying to him, why Michael lying to him is so much worse. He wants answers that not even Michael can give him. Like why his leg is gone or his head is hurting or what it’s like to get a full night of sleep. But Michael isn’t the brave boy who protected him and he’s not the type to ask the universe for things it won’t give him.

“I’ve been on worse deployments,” he says.

Michael shuts down.

Alex has computers that would be jealous of the speed which Michael goes silent and closed off. Like magic the rest of them are back and there’s no chance for anything except to sit there in the awkwardness. Alex gets through maybe half the movie before he gives up and slips away as best he can, before anyone can ask if he needs help.

“Nice ride,” Michael says from behind him. Alex glares at his reflection.

“You shouldn’t sneak up behind a solider,” he says.

“Sorry,” Michael says.

Alex glances down and realizes his hand isn’t on his firearm. He doesn’t feel the way that he usually does when people sneak up behind him. It’s another thing that doesn’t make sense in all of this. He turns around but doesn’t move out of the way. He should feel trapped, pinned, afraid. But he doesn’t. The more he thinks on it the more the pain in his head digs in. He’s hand enough of his body betraying him though. He can deal with the pain.

“Why did you follow me?” He asks.

“Came to see if you were okay,” Michael says.

“Why?” Alex asks.

Surprise gives Michael away. Or the lack of it anyway. He’s surprised at how Alex asks so directly but he doesn’t seem like the kind of surprised where there isn’t an answer. Or an answer he doesn’t want to say. He looks like he wants to crawl out of his skin or scream at the top of his lungs. When he reaches for more bullshit, Alex finds his patience snapping at the same time something seems to snap in his head. But he ignores the hot pain, he shoves past it. He’s survived worse than this.

“We used to be—“

“Don’t lie to me,” Alex cuts in, “this isn’t about what we used to be.”

“It always is,” Michael says.

“You’re doing it again,” Alex snaps. Michael blinks and looks confused in a much more honest way, “You keep getting this voice—“ he fights the urge to rub his temples, “this isn’t about what happened ten years ago.”

“You don’t know that,” Michael scoffs and if the wariness in his eyes didn’t give him away, the tongue over his bottom lip and heat in his face do.

“Yes I do,” Alex says, “you’re a miserable liar.”

The comment makes Michael’s jaw drop.

It also makes an explosion go off in his head.

Alex has a high tolerance for pain, it’s a virtue of his upbringing. This isn’t pain. He doesn’t have a word for what this is. It’s like his entire spine is being crushed into itself. His skull is going to break open, it has to. There’s no room for anything else in there. The words keep tumbling over in his head. Miserable Liar. Lying about something that’s just out of reach. He grips Michael’s forearms tighter, he strains to catch at whatever it is that keeps dancing just out of reach. The explosions keep happening, the pain is blinding and so is the heat. It hurts worse than anything but it isn’t the first time.

It isn’t the first time.

He’s been in three explosions, he doesn’t know how he knows that.

He remembers the one that took his leg.

He can’t say how he remembers the one that broke his heart.

And the third—

He reaches for the thought desperately and the answer comes to him a moment before he passes out.

The third took his mind.

****

“Here,” Michael puts the folded up cloth over his eyes, “shhh don’t try to talk,” he says as Alex parts his lips. Michael picks up his finger and puts it on his wrist, “tap once for yes, twice for no,” he says, “you want water?” Alex taps once.

It’s mildly humiliating to have to be helped to drink but the pain tempers the humiliation. Michael helps him lay down again, he sets the water glass to the side. The sound rattles Alex’s brain and Michael grips his hand back, rubbing his fingers over his knuckles until the waves subside.

“What happened to me?” He asks.

Michael seems to know not to tell him not to talk. Alex is touched and offended by the concern in equal measures. Michael doesn’t let go of his hand. Alex doesn’t have it in him to draw circles with his thumb or anything like that but he squeezes Michaels hand. Michael sighs several times like he’s trying to organize his thoughts. Alex opens his mouth to try and help with some kind of basic question but Michael cuts him off.

“You’ve been here for a year,” he says.

“What?!”

Alex shoves himself up before he remembers what a bad idea that is. The cloth goes flying as Michael lunges forward to steady him with one hand behind his neck and the other at his shoulder. There’s also a bin suddenly in his lap that he knows wasn’t there before but it saves him from puking on both of them. A bin magically appearing isn’t more stunning than finding out he’s missing a fucking year of his life. Or that he’s not in Michael’s trailer but some underground space with a chandelier that reeks of Michaels style and is an impossibly far cry from the trailer.

“Why can’t I remember?” He demands. The pain in his head flares and the dots finally connect, “it’s the headaches,” he says in case Michael hasn’t picked up on that. He lifts his head to see Michael’s shoulders sag, “what happened to me?”

“It’s a drug,” Michael says, “they inject it into your spine,” he taps the back of his neck, close to the base of his skull, “it takes away your memories and if you try to get them back,” he motions towards his sorry state.

“Who?” Alex demands. Michael cringes, “my father?”

“Your dad,” he licks his bottom lip, “this guy you were trying to date. Flint—“ he hesitates, “they did Flint first but he helped.”

Alex stares up at him, trying to reconcile the fact that he’s been experimented on, lost a year of his life and apparently was dating someone who helped do this to him. He’s almost grateful when his stomach turns over, though there’s nothing left in there to come out. If Michael hears the dry sob buried in the heaving he lets Alex have at least one shred of dignity and pretends he doesn’t. Alex fights back for control before putting the bucket aside.

“What am I missing?” He says.

“Alex—“ Michael starts, fear in his eyes. It’s fear now, Alex can place it. But it’s not fear of him. Michael’s scared for him. Which would be great if it wasn’t for the fact that he can already feel the throbbing coming back, “I can’t,” Michael says. 
“Yes you can,” Alex replies. Michael hesitates, “I need to know what’s going on,” Alex tells him, “Michael, please, I need to know what they took from me—from us.”

Michael cringes and looks away and Alex realizes he’s stumbled onto something. It makes sense that something would happen if he’s been there a year. He was trying to find a way to get Michael to give him the information he needed to know. Embarrassment curls through him, he deserves worse than hearing he was in two relationships he can’t remember.

“It’s gonna hurt,” Michel says finally.

“Michael,” Alex repeats his name.

“I’m gonna be the one who hurts you. Again,” Alex opens his mouth but Michael shakes his head and seems to come to some kind of decision. He goes for his belt and folds the leather over itself, “it’s been a year,” he says grimly, “you might need this.”

Alex takes the belt and goes to put the leather between his teeth.

“I might hurt you,” he says, “physically.”

Michael shakes his head.

“Trust me, that’s not going to be a problem.”

***

“I never thought I’d miss the days when you just ran away.”

Alex cracks open an eye to see Michael standing there. He’s wearing a black cowboy hat Alex does and doesn’t remember seeing him in. It’s a nice contrast if Max used to be a cop, Alex could remember nothing and he’d still remember the cops around here wear white stetsons. The light only hurts his eyes because he’s wasted and Michael’s positioned himself in the worst way. Which Alex has a feeling isn’t an accident.

“Are you enjoying being on the other side of this?” He asks. Michael shakes his head, “you could be the one who runs away this time,” he offers.

“I’m shit at it,” Michael says.

“Yeah,” Alex agrees.

“You’re shit at it too,” Michael adds, stepping out of the stupid light to join him against the wall.

“I guess we’re both just good at burning our lives down,” Alex muses.

“Guess we are,” Michael agrees, “you gonna stand up?”

Alex considers it but between the liquor and the brawl he was just in, he thinks the ground might be better. Michael nods and suddenly Alex isn’t sitting outside the Pony alone. Michael’s explained everything to him but if Alex had any doubt about how Michael feels it’s pretty much gone when he willingly drops onto the ground next to him so Alex doesn’t have to sit in the ruins alone.

“I was a better fighter when I had two legs,” he says.

“You beat him pretty soundly,” Michael points out, “he just got a few lucky shots in.”

It’s true, he’s sitting on the ground but his brother and his ex are probably gonna be eating liquid meals for a bit. Alex can’t say he regrets it.

“I gave them a chance to explain themselves,” he tells Michael, “I didn’t just attack them.”
 “You don’t have to explain,” Michael says quickly.

“I mean I’m not going to—“ he winces at the thought of Michael holding him down with his fucking mind and wonders why it’s important he reassures him, “if you thought I was.”

“Thanks,” Michael says and there’s no humor in his eyes even though Alex is pretty sure he’s just made a hysterical joke, “I’d understand if you did,” Michael adds, “after—“

“That’s not your fault,” he cuts in.

“Come on,” Michael counters, “we both know that’s not true.”

“It wasn’t,” Alex emphasizes, “I don’t blame you for it.”

Michael hangs his head. Alex doesn’t. There’s a lot of messed up shit in the story Michael told him that Alex could and does blame him for. But him losing his memories, the bomb, the things that led to this? Alex can keep the things he does blame him for separate from that.

“You’re not a saint Michael,” he says, “but you’re not a monster,” he looks over at him, “and this,” he motions to his head, “it’s not your fault.”

He knows Michael doesn’t believe him, he also knows it’s impossible to convince him. He can only hope that Michael doesn’t think he has to self-flagellate. Michael sighs and cracks his knuckles. He isn’t hiding his hands anymore. Alex wishes it was that easy to feel like he doesn’t have to hide his leg. Or lack of. It’s strange to have Michael have so much and Alex have nothing. On one hand he’s happy for him. On the other—Alex can put that feeling aside in the place where he puts all his feelings about Michael that he doesn’t know how to deal with.

“Are you done burning down your life?” Michael asks. Alex shrugs, “Alex?”
 “That wasn’t my life,” he says simply, “I’m done if they are,” he offers.

Michael sighs loudly.

They both know the answer to that.

“You know this whole time I thought all of this was my fault,” Michael says.

“Are you disappointed?” Alex asks and the sarcasm brings a genuine smile to Michael’s face. His nose wrinkles.

“You know I kinda am,” he says.

Alex can’t remember the last time he laughed until his ribs hurt. It isn’t even that funny. Maybe it’s just that laying in the back of an alleyway with Michael laughing in the wreckage of both their lives, there’s something real. Even if that something is just a fucked up connection he can’t fully explain. It’s funny and it’s tragic and the wetness on their cheeks could be from either of those things. Or just from the exhaustion and pain that’s ruled their lives for God knows how long. A year? Ten? Always?

Michael looks over at him and it’s the easiest thing to push himself closer.

It’s Michael who pulls back.

“We can’t,” he says. Alex stares at him but lets him keep going, “I can tell you the fucked up shit I did, but you don’t remember,” he says, “that’s not fair to you,” Michael adds, squeezing his eyes shut, “shit none of this is fair to you.”

“I might never remember,” Alex points out.

“Yeah,” Michael says.

“Did you stop caring?” He asks. Michael shakes his head, “could you?”

Michael doesn’t hesitate when he shakes his head. Alex knows he feels more for Michael than he has for anyone. But those feelings haven’t stopped either of them from doing fucked up things to each other. He can’t blame Michael for not wanting to do anything more with them. It’d be a lot easier if he thought that was what was happening.

“I haven’t stopped caring for you,” he says.

“You did,” Michael tells him, “not that I blame you. With all the fucked up shit I did.”

Alex nods.

“You did a lot of messed up things,” he says, “but I don’t think I stopped caring for you,” he looks at Michael, “deep down I don’t think you believe that either. I think you want to, but I don’t think you do.”

Michael looks away. Alex hates being the manifestation of Michael’s need to punish himself more than he hates any role he’s been shoehorned into. Including being Jesse Manes’ son. He doesn’t have the words for that. He’s not sure the words for it have been invented. For someone you would rather sit on the ground with than be warm and dry. Or anywhere else. Alex has wanted to fit in places before but he’s never found that sense of acceptance he remembers with Michael.

“Do you think we can get past it?” He asks.

“I don’t know,” Michael says, “do you want me to go?”

“No.”

**

“You sure this is okay?”

Alex looks up at the sight of Michael standing in his doorway. He nods without any hesitation. Michael is very much of the ‘alternative living’ dwelling but living above a bunker with alien stuff has draw backs. Like some long lost alien relative coming and blowing it up. Alex isn’t sure how he beat Isobel to the offering of Michael coming back with him, but he was pulling into his driveway with Michael’s truck following. Alex is at least grateful the truck survived with only minor dings.

“I’m sorry about your bunker,” he says. Michael nods, “is there anything I can do?”

“Can we look for the piece of my ship?”

Alex nods, grateful for anything to do. He can’t remember and Michael only has a few clues like the bag he shoved it in. So they turn the house upside down, pausing only for snacks and beers. It beats dreaming about Michael losing another home and him being powerless to stop it. Of course the cabin with all its secrets doesn’t make this easy. Why would anything be easy when it comes to them.

“This is like being drunk and hiding something from yourself,” Michael says, half under the bed, “you know?”
 “No,” Alex says honestly, “the stuff I hid I wanted to keep hidden. From my dad, or enemy insurgents.”

“There’s a difference?” Michael asks. Alex snorts and lays back, looking up at the wood beams, “you’re too good at this.”

“Sorry,” he says, “I do it professionally, if that’s any consolation.” 
“Not really.”

Alex tilts his head. He spent years picking out patterns and discrepancies. Code and buildings aren’t terribly different when it comes to the patterns. And he’s always been good when it comes to discrepancies. He rolls over to the painting against the wall.

“Can you get the painting off?”

Michael comes out from under the bed and blows his curls out of his eyes in a gesture that shouldn’t be so adorable. Or so hot. He looks at the painting and frowns. Then it swings out, hinged to the wall. The keypad there is like a cruel joke. He likes to think he knows himself but the missing year taunts him.  He looks at the pad and then at Michael. Michael stares at the pad for a moment and then punches in a code.

“Glad I told you,” Alex says, reaching in and pulling out the bag.

“You didn’t,” Michael says. Alex looks over at him, surprised.

“What was the code?”

“Date of our high school reunion,” Michael says.

Alex isn’t sentimental about a lot of things. Not in any version of himself. Tangible things can get broken too easily to be important. He passes Michael the bag and looks inside the safe. Everything in it is practical. Which he should have expected but finds himself disappointed all the same. He wishes his memories were in there. But the ship piece will have to do. He looks as Michael pulls out the piece of glass, the colors going blue around his handprints.

“It’s beautiful,” Alex says.

Michael nods, turning the piece over in his hands. The light trails across where he touches, changing the colors reflected across his skin. He’s beautiful. Alex is grateful that he was able to hide it, that he was able to give it back. No matter what happened in between that and him losing his memories. It’s a small thing but Alex has long since learned to be grateful for small victories. Especially when the big ones are so far between.

“I’m glad we found it,” he says, breaking through whatever spell has fallen over Michael and the last remaining piece of his home. It’s jarring and he wants to snatch the words back, even as something in the marrow of his bones tells him to stop him. That the longer he stares the more likely it is he’ll go. “What’s the date?”

“The date?” Alex nods and Michael seems to jerk back to life, “oh yeah,” he rattles it off and Alex tucks the numbers away, memorizing them easily.

“I have to figure out a way to remember these,” he says, “in case my dad tries something like this again.”

“You can just ask me,” Michael offers.

Alex’s mouth goes dry. He wants to say that he believes their friendship would be strong enough that if it happened that would be true. But the things they don’t say or can’t say have started piling up again already. There’s an ache that hangs over their relationship, their friendship, and Alex doesn’t know how to make it go away.

“Yeah but just in case,” he says. 
“In case of what?” Michael presses. Alex blows out a breath.

“I don’t know, in case you decide to take a trip somewhere,” he says, “or you meet someone and move away. Or you’re busy,” he shrugs, “you know, just in case.”

He closes the safe and gives Michael a good extra few seconds to collect himself. He hears Michael put the glass piece back in the bag and he still takes his time before turning to face him.

He isn’t expecting Michael to be so close.

“I meet someone new?” Michael repeats.

“It’s going to happen eventually,” Alex points out then shakes his head, “no it already did. We both did.”

“And look where that got us.”

It’s a challenge and Alex desperately wants to fight back. But Michael has been clear—as clear as Michael ever is about his feelings when he isn’t broadcasting them. He has a year of fucked up memories of them that Alex has made his peace with he’ll never get back. It’s like his leg. They’re gone. There’s a time to mourn and then it’s time to move on. He can’t blame Michael for not wanting to be with someone who can’t remember moments like the ones he has. He can only blame him for not wanting to move past it with him.

“You said in the alley—“
 “I know what I said,” Michael snaps, “but I didn’t know.”

“Know what? What changed?”

“I didn’t know you had the reunion as the code to your safe.”

Alex rolls his eyes.

“You’re the only one whose surprised at that,” he shoots back, “I told you—“

He gets why Michael put the glass piece down when his back hits the wall and Michael’s lips find his. The world slips away as he melts into the feeling. If he remembers nothing ever again he’ll remember the taste of Michael’s mouth. How he presses up the extra quarter inch like it makes a fucking difference. His hands are on Alex’s cheeks and then at his waist like he can’t figure out where to touch first. The frantic energy crackles between them and Alex has no idea how he didn’t know Michael was an alien. Or maybe Michael being special just eclipsed all of it.

Any awkwardness Alex envisioned for his first time without both his legs is gone. Michael doesn’t cringe at his prosthetic and when the bed moves in a way that’s got nothing to do with what they’re doing, Michael doesn’t have a chance to be embarrassed. They lay on his bed after gasping unsteady breaths.

“I guess it’s a good thing you didn’t make up the couch,” Michael says.

Alex might feel love drunk but that doesn’t stop him from smacking Michael with the pillow.

* “I should have known when you said there was a metal detector,” Alex realizes aloud.

Michael cringes and ducks his head, focusing back on the car he’s working on. Because he is actually a very good mechanic and all it takes is a simple sign saying his customers can find him in Alex’s driveway for the operation to move there temporarily. From his spot on the porch Alex can work without the sun in his eyes while Michael buries himself in cars.

“I was just trying to keep you from getting those headaches,” he says.

“The UFO Emporium still runs on floppy disks,” Alex says, still flabbergasted he fell for it, “I can’t believe I fell for that.”

“To be fair,” Michael begins, stepping out from under the hood, “I was banking on you still thinking your leg was new and being too embarrassed to risk it.”

“No I know,” Alex says, “but I worked there, I should have known there was no way they would install a metal detector.”

“They might one day,” Michael offers.

“If they do we should move,” Alex says turning back to his screen, “it’ll be a sign of the apocalypse.”

“Or an alien invasion.”

Alex rolls his eyes and looks over at Michael who flashes a grin that makes his cheeks burn. The alien thing is, in some ways, easier to get used to than openly dating. Which seems backwards in his head but it’s not in this situation.

“Speaking of signs of the apocalypse, invasions and unbelievable things,” Michael says, “you know we’ve been dating a month.”

“I know,” Alex says, “that reminds me, I changed the safe combination to today,” he glances up at Michael, “in case I forget.”

Despite them dating for a month and all the other stuff, the gesture does exactly what Alex was hoping it would. Michael goes pink around the ears and blows his curls off his forehead before turning back to the car.

“I’ll remember,” he says.

“I know.”

[bakudekuficlibrary]

Hey, do you have any fics where Deku calms Bakugo down from a panic attack or some sort of anger episode? Or vise versa?

I payed more attention to fics that focused solely on the requested idea or had multiple scenes of it. (and boy was there a decent amount!) If you know of longer fics that include this idea (even if it’s your own XD) feel free to reblog or reply with them so people can find them in the notes c:

-Jay 

30 Works.

Dark Side of the Sun by Synnie( T | 51,597 | 20/20 )

Staying up too late playing video games, Kirishima wasn’t expecting to get an urgent call begging for help. Next thing he knew, he was letting his classmate Izuku Midoriya take refuge in his apartment - without consulting his always angry roommate.

SeriesPart 1 of Dark Side of Space

[Graphic Depictions of Violence | Past Abuse | Self-Harm]

Can We Not? by vulcanhighblood( T | 32,740+ | 17/? )

Journalist Midoriya Izuku stumbles across Ground Zero brutalizing a vending machine. Unfortunately, he can’t just walk away from a Pro Hero in dire need of caffeine. So when a hero on the brink shakes him down for coffee, only to offer a coffee date in return…? Well, he doesn’t refuse. (He does, however, get said hero’s number, and ends up spending a lot more time with him than could have been predicted based on that first encounter.)

Grief Counseling by Merrywetherweather( E | 48,279 | 19/19 )

Katsuki remembered the first time he had failed to save someone, watched helplessly in horror as an elderly man had been crushed beneath the girth of a thrown car. He had already propelled himself forward to grab a small boy when he noticed, too late, the car fly by overhead. Two other heroes had been on the scene at the time and had assured him.

There was nothing that could have been done.

Most of class 1-A had already gone through a similar experience. The only one left with a clean track record in the rescue department had been Deku.

Well, except for today.

A slowburn fic where Kacchan tries to convince Deku to take advantage of the grief counseling provided for free to heroes experiencing their first failed rescues. Lots of flirting. Healing their relationship comes first. The romantic bit where they fall helplessly and stupidly in love comes after.

[PSTD | Panic Attacks]

Dream Sweet in Sea Major by showtiime ( M | 122,562 | 22/22 )

The day of the Hero Incident ends much more horribly than anyone could’ve imagined, but only Izuku knows that. He thinks as long as he forces himself to push through it that he can get over it, but of course, that’s not how things go. His mom, friends, teachers, and even his childhood friend-turned-rival take note of his odd behavior and try to help, but he refuses to talk about what really happened. How long and how thin will Bakugou’s patience go until Izuku finally confides and accepts the help he needs?

(in this fic, Shigaraki takes more from Izuku than he should’ve, Katsuki comes with the class that day at the mall, and there are still finals to be taken. Plenty can happen in only five to six weeks.)

(playlist)

[Rape/Non-Con | Underage | Abuse | Dissociation | PTSD | Panic Attacks | Suicide Attempt | Self-Harm]

Paper Moons and Glass Stars by Soundsoftherain( M | 82,948 | 18/18 )

The last time Katsuki had seen that mess of green hair had been during the summer after their first year of middle school, a boy sculpted from the purest sunlight sadly waving goodbye as he moved away.

That had been seven years ago.

Now that mop of wild curls was straddling his lap while scantily clad in black, leaving little to the imagination. The shy boy he once knew was now the star of Paper Moon, a strip club he’d been unwillingly dragged to by his friends. But through the muffled music one thought overwhelmed the raging whirlpool of his mind.

…What the actual fuck?

SeriesPart 1 of Glass Stars

[Graphic Depictions Of Violence | Panic Attacks | Stalking]

be loved by bonnia( T | 5,403 | 1/1 )

They sit there, in the darkness of the common room, about a few centimeters between them, but miles apart. Somehow, the quiet is companionable. More than it has been in many years. Katsuki knows he’s responsible for the rift between them, and he knows even more that it can’t only be Deku who attempts to mend it.

“Hey,” he says, after a while, and Deku turns to him in question, but Katsuki refuses to look his way. “Touch me again.”

(or: the kidnapping incident leaves bakugou traumatised about being touched on the back of his neck, and midoriya decides to take matters into his own hands)

[Panic Attacks | PTSD]

2,645 Miles by mynameis152( E | 131,839 | 38/38 )

Izuku wants so badly to get to the other side of the country without his parents realizing he’s missing. He just wants to find out who he is.

Katsuki is desperate to make it to Los Angeles without being caught by the police, desperate to fix his mistakes.

Neither know what to expect, but on a roadtrip across the U.S. involving four fugitives, two oblivious runaways, a high risk crime ring, and a police taskforce, the two will discover that there’s more in store for them than what they originally thought.

SeriesPart 1 of Guide Me Home To You

[Graphic Depictions of Violence | Panic Attacks | Attempted Sexual Assault]

As One by semiautomatichearts( G | 2,508 | 1/1 )

Katsuki knows Izuku as he knows himself, as he knows the worn pages of a treasured book, the creases within his own hand.

He sees when something is wrong, and reaches across abyssal expanses, past the maw of his own pride, and he heals.

[Panic Attacks]

What’s up danger by The_Crafty_Cracker( M | 2,220 | 1/1 )

Because apparently,The fic where Deku punches a bigoted entailed asshole Alpha in the face wasn’t an appropriate title.

Poor Katsuki has his handful with his mate nearly getting arrested, again!

P.S there is also a joke about a quiche.

Super Mario Maker by Pop_Rocks (v_love)( E | 3,734 | 1/1 )

Midoriya is smart, and a nerd, meaning that when the entire class decided to take on the aspect of buying Super Mario Maker for the collection of games in the common area that he became sort of a living legend when it came to designing the levels.

Some were just joyous well designed little prank-type levels, others were difficult — but not impossible — and the rest? Well, those were impossible.

For all but one.

His Kacchan.

————

In which Bakugou rages.

SeriesPart 4 of Kacchan and Deku’s Shenanigans

Out Of Darkness by Arrival_Of_Dawn ( M | 78,364+ | 18/? )

Izuku Midoriya is legally dead for forty two minutes at the hands of a new villain, Nightmare. They are the longest forty two minutes as Izuku finds himself trapped in his own personal hell. He may have come back from nightmare induced death, but that does not mean the nightmares are gone. They haunt him at any given moment and neither he nor anyone else knows how to save him.

[Graphic Depictions Of Violence | Panic Attacks]

Twenty-Four by SharkbaitSekki( T | 15,874 | 1/1 )

Izuku gets himself kidnapped, and Katsuki is dragged into it with him as they face villains with particularly terrifying illusion Quirks.

It ends up being a living nightmare, but Katsuki can’t bring himself to regret following Izuku into it all. Because between the pain and the terror, between the lies and the illusions, between life and death, at least they can always hang onto one another. Even if everything else is fake, they know that they will always be real.

[Graphic Depictions Of Violence] 

Chapter 26 of an entire month for the broccoli boy and the shouty boy by Kasplode( T | 23,200 | 30/30 )

Acute fear pollutes his body, concentration increasing exponentially with each shallow inhale he breathes.

Deku, standing just in front of him, knocks at the familiar door to Midoriya Inko’s apartment.

They’re having dinner with her tonight. Introducing Katsuki as Deku’s boyfriend.

[Panic Attacks]

Someone to Stay by Maru_Chan( M | 5,462 | 1/1 )

He hears Izuku’s jeering laughter again and even when he can’t see him any longer, his last words ring loud on Katsuki’s ears, heavy and final like a sentence.

“Goodbye Kacchan, maybe you can try again in your next life”

And then everything is dark again.

It’s dark, he’s cold, he’s numb and he’s alone.

And it’s everything he deserves.

[Panic Attacks | PTSD] 

saltwater fears & saltwater tears by writedeku( T | 4,540 | 1/1 )

It’s not that Katsuki hasn’t hurt people before, but this is the first time he’s seen something so irrevocable. So tangible. Izuku will look back, ten, twenty years from now, and he’d still see the scar in the mirror, and still be a scared little boy in pain all over again, crying in the hallways.

(The middle is a time that makes Katsuki feel proud and ashamed, all at once.)

SeriesPart 3 of the saltwater saga

[Bullying | Past Abuse | Panic Attacks] 

What’s Mine But Only You Can Have? by masteremeraldholder

( T | 9,480 | 1/1 )

“What’s mine… but only you can have?”

Deku’s face softens, his eyes wide, mouth a little ‘o’. Baku’s stomach turns, maybe he shouldn’t have said it, maybe he should’ve listened to the quirk-stealers and kept his fucking mouth shut, but he knows that he couldn’t have even if he tried.

He’ll never get tired of Deku and his annoying antics, his patient nature, his shit ton of freckles, and if that’s what it means to love someone, then he’s gladly in it with Deku.

SeriesPart 2 of Schizophrenic Bakugou

[Panic Attacks | Self-Harm | Ableism]

Words to Never Say by InkspillsNotebook( T | 2,586 | 1/1 )

Regardless of how much time has passed, Izuku is still unable to hear those words without fearing that he’s lost the most important person in his life.

SeriesPart 7 of Drabble Expansion Pack

[Panic Attacks]

[Abandoned] Chapter 4 of Angry Kids by MrJokerBoy( T | 9,251 | 12/? )

Deku has a nervous breakdown and here comes Kacchan to the rescue 

[Panic Attacks] 

Chapter 1 of Things You Said: Bakugou/Midoriya by AutisticWriter( T | 3,100 | 2/2 )

A collection of one shots written for a prompt list. 

[Self-Harm | Ableism | Transphobia]

{Curator’s Note: This chapter depicts Bakugou assisting Midoriya through a meltdown, not an anger episode or panic attack.}

A Classical Storm by oceanswrath( T | 1,400 | 1/1 )

In that moment only the two of them existed, a force to be reckoned with greater than the storm raging outside. 

[Panic Attacks]

The Bonds that bind by EloFromMars( E | 2,818 | 1/1 )

Izuku is excited, tonight is their anniversary. He had planned everything. Or so he thought. 

[PTSD | Panic Attacks]

Only Us by yoichipines( T | 3,105 | 1/1 )

“What if it’s you, and what if it’s me and what if that’s all that we needed to be and the rest of the world falls away…what do you say?”

A Katsudeku fanfic very much inspired by ‘Only Us’ by Laura Dreyfuss and Ben Platt? Sign me tf up!

[Panic Attacks]

No Matter What by Empress Explosion Murder (LdyFcknNoir)( M | 4,393 | 1/1 )

BNHA Angst Week Day Seven: Roses/Time

-or-

“I-I’ve failed you… He escaped.” Katsuki rasped out.

Any remaining strength in Izuku’s body fled, and he melted to the ground on legs that were no longer able to hold him up. His body began to tremble violently, his teeth cracking together with the force of his shaking. Black edged around his vision as he couldn’t pull any oxygen into his lungs, air rent from his lungs completely with just five words.

SeriesPart 7 of BNHA Angst Week

[Past Rape/Non-con | Panic Attacks]

Yeah I’ve Got Issues by Abitginger( T | 2,782 | 1/1 )

One-shot written for BakuDeku month of wonder, day 2:festival/apology. A little late but such is life ~

Izuku and Katsuki go on an undercover mission at a festival.

[Panic Attacks]

to be made of flesh and steel by bluntforcedrama, gutsdumpster( T | 635 | 1/1 )

Bakugou learns his triggers, his tics. He’s kind of psychic actually since he tends to know when something is about to happen. Or maybe it’s Izuku’s fault for making it so glaringly obvious: he gets nervous, hands twitching more than usual as his eyes follow any sudden movement around him. Sometimes his breathing becomes labored and he swallows down more inhales than exhales and Bakugou will have to thread his fingers with Izuku’s, as if to say calm down, I’m here.

Or: Izuku is an ex-soldier struggling with the mental and physical repercussions of such heavy combat, and although Bakugou doesn’t know exactly what it’s like, he’ll still do everything he can to help.

[Panic Attacks | PTSD | Implied/Referenced Homophobia]

I know you wanna (slip under my armor) by Herbalmint( T | 3,528 | 1/1 )

Life just keeps developing new ways of beating Bakugo down. (Katsuki has a panic attack)

[Panic Attacks | Dissociation] 

In Your Arms by EmbretheWorld( T | 3,771 | 2/2 )

Bakugo’s freaking out, and no one really knows what to do, but Yagi and Aizawa are really grateful that Midoriya is there. And Aizawa is really good at comforting people too.

SeriesPart 3 of You Melt My Heart

[Panic Attacks]

Chapter 2 & Chapter 7 of Standing Together (Pride Month) by EmbretheWorld( M | 17,972 | 29/29 )

This book will be filled with multiple ships that I will write and post on a daily for Pride Month. Each chapter will be based on a prompt. Hope you enjoy!

I ended this book early because I couldn’t find any motivation to write in it anymore.

SeriesPart 6 of You Melt My Heart

[Panic Attacks]

Anxiety by MistyBlueJay( T | 3,530 | 1/1 )

Izuku and Katsuki go to the mall, the Bakusquad joins them in a mini shopping trip. It’s a crowded day and Izuku falls behind, panic ensues.

[Panic Attacks]

In Weakness there is Strength by DarcyIncarnate( Not Rated | 3,011 | 1/1 )

Five times Izuku breaks and Katsuki picks up the peices, and one time Katsuki isn’t there to help. 

[Panic Attacks]

[animeniacss]

A Palette of Emotions - Artist!Taehyung x Teacher!Reader - Chapter 26 - The Chance of a Lifetime

Synopsis: Taehyung dreams of being a professional and famous artist one day, but finds that the sea of creativity can be lurking with blood hungry sharks, as well as bland, motionless starfish. Swimming through the sea of opportunities somehow washed him up onto the shore of Bright Star Preschool, as an art teacher. This wasn’t where he expected to be 4 years into his career, but anything to get his big break though, right?

Feat. BTS, TXT, ITZY, Jisoo (BlackPink), Taeyong (NCT)

Genre: Romance, Slow Burn, Love Triangle, Drama, School Setting, Working!AU

Length: approx. 4.5k words

Chapter 26 - The Chance of a Lifetime

Taehyung stared at the broad shoulders Namjoon had as they walked over to the front entrance of the school. He had no idea what Namjoon had meant by wanting to talk to him, or where the conversation would go. He didn’t want to, but if he had to throw hands with the tall businessman in front of a preschool, he would! And he would win too. 

           Namjoon rested against the gate, fixing his glasses and glancing over to the painter, who put a hand in his hair. “I didn’t want to risk the kids hearing anything,” Namjoon said simply. “But you, Sir, need to pay more attention to your files.” Taehyung let out a soft sigh. 

           “I know, I know…” he said. “But I really wasn’t trying to stir the pot or anything, I-.” Namjoon lifted his hand up, nodding his head in understanding. 

           “I know. But I figured someone should have sat down and told you all of the important stuff early on. Might as well be me now, while we are here.” Taehyung nodded. Namjoon’s chest expanded and shrank again as he thought about what he was going to say.  “I don’t know where Kai’s mother is.” Taehyung bit the inside of his lip. He figured as much, the woman had not once been mentioned, nor was she in any paperwork. But Taehyung thought it was a legal ordeal, not a missing person kind of ordeal. “She and I met and dated right when I got out of college. She was interning at a nearby business firm. It wasn’t anything major, but it was nice. She had gotten transferred to a placed in Gwangju, so she broke it off after that. I didn’t hear from her for a whole year.” 

           “I think I kind of know where this is going,” Taehyung said softly, and then waited for Namjoon to continue. He nodded and did so.

           “She dropped him off about two weeks after he was born. I tried to contact her, but I haven’t found her. She left her job in Gwangju, and apparently went to another firm. I have no idea if she changed her name, or left the country.” Namjoon shrugged. “So, when Kai says he doesn’t have a mom…he doesn’t.” Taehyung nodded. 

           “Yikes…” he said softly. “I’m sorry to hear that. Does he-?”

           “Not yet. He just knows he doesn’t have one. I’ll tell him when he’s older.” Just as Namjoon finished explaining himself and his past, he heard a voice coming out from the building. He turned over and saw you walking out with Kai, who was holding your hand and obviously chewing your ear off. When you caught his glance, Namjoon quickly lifted a hand up, signaling you to wait just a moment, as he was in the middle of a conversation. As Taehyung watched him, he could see Namjoon’s eyes sparkling as he stared in your direction, the small and amused smile sitting comfortably on his face. It made Taehyung’s heartbeat just a little bit faster than normal. Is that what he looked like when he looked at you too? Or did he have another look on his face? Were you able to notice these looks shot in your direction?

           “You really love her, don’t you?” Taehyung asked curiously, tilting his head. Namjoon glanced over at Taehyung as he spoke, the smile still stuck to his face. He only nodded at first.

           “I do.” He admitted. “I have since the day I met her.” Taehyung nodded. “Seokjin suggested I put Kai into preschool here when he was old enough. So, I went to the little orientation with all of the parents. She said she had barely been here a handful of years, but Kai fell in love with her immediately, all the kids did. She was kind and patient, and funny. I was in that room for about 35 minutes, and I knew at that moment I needed to at least try and win her over.” Taehyung watched you smooth out your skirt, sitting Kai down on a nearby bench. He held his bag tight, kicking his feet as he waited for his father to call his name. You, on the other hand, walked over to the swings, where Yeonjun and Beomgyu were happily pushing Chaeryeong and Taehyun on the swings. He couldn’t help but smile too as you leaned forward to watch the kids squeal and cheer in delight. The smile on your face had Taehyung feel butterflies in his chest.

           “I know what you mean. You’d never think she was the same girl who hated me six months ago.” Namjoon nodded a bit. 

           “I know I might be coming off as tough or a bit douchebagy to you like I did at your art festival in Ilsan. But I mean no ill-will, Kim Taehyung.” Taehyung cocked an eyebrow, nodding his head. 

           “I know. I don’t either…” he confessed quickly.

           “And I know she has gained feelings for you too,” Namjoon confessed. Taehyung’s eyes widened a bit, and it made Namjoon laughed at how shocked he looked. “Don’t look so surprised. If she didn’t, she would have either turned you down outright or stopped seeing me. She never would have put everything on hold as she has.” Taehyung knew that was true, and it excited him; comforted him in a way he hadn’t yet felt since all of this began. Namjoon might have sensed the air of confidence surging through Taehyung’s veins because he immediately included: “With that in mind, I have no intention of backing down.” 

           “Hm?” Taehyung hummed. 

           “I said I have no ill-will towards you, and at the end of the day, I want her to be happy. However, I still plan to shoot my shot, and try to get her.” Taehyung chuckled. “You’re at a bit of an advantage. You see her in the school building, which is a lot more than I get to.” 

           “Well, even if I wasn’t, I intend to be just as committed to her, until she tells me not to.” Namjoon nodded. “But you are my Hyung, and definitely have been with her longer than I have. Yet, you’ve always taken this so calmly. If I were in your shoes, I think I would be a lot more aggravated with the guy I was competing with.”

           Namjoon laughed a bit at Taehyung’s teasing tone. “I love her more than anything, and I would do anything to make her mine. But if her happiness is found in the arms of someone else, who am I to pull her away from that just for my own happiness? If I did that, could I ever say I really loved her?” 

           “Ooo, that’s deep. Do you use those lines on her on dates?” Namjoon cocked an eyebrow, glancing at the younger boy with a grin. “I need to know exactly what I’m up against.” Namjoon nodded, putting his hands in the pockets of his work pants. He walked past Taehyung, before quickly taking a hand out of the pocket and patting him on the shoulder.

           “If you already want to know what you’re up against, then I guess I can tell you she and I have already kissed.” Taehyung laughed a bit. “What? You wanted to know.” 

           “You sound like you’re in middle school.” He teased. Namjoon was now the one to laugh, and with another pat to the shoulder, Namjoon walked to the front gate. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I had to move a very important meeting with the CEO of the Korea’s National University of Arts for this…” Taehyung’s ears perked up at the mentioning of the word Arts. His eyes darted towards Namjoon once again, watching as the father’s amused and smiling face immediately dropped to one of frustration. 

           “Kai!” He shouted. It wasn’t a loud shout, but it was definitely attention-grabbing. The little boy’s head looked up. “Get in the car. We need to talk.”

           Without a word of defiance, Kai grabbed his bag and headed towards his father. Namjoon looked over at Taehyung, nodding him off before leading his son into the car. Taehyung didn’t move from his spot until Namjoon got into the car, started it up, and drove down the street, away from the preschool. When he looked over, he saw only a handful of children were left to be picked up, and knowing the time, it would not be too much longer for that. 

           As Taehyung stepped back onto the playground, he immediately headed to you. He knew you would try and nose your way into his business. It was charming to him, in ways others would find annoying. 

           “What happened?” you asked. 

           “Nothing. Just needed to share something with him, that’s all.” Taehyung said simply. He watched as you snickered, amused by his vague response, before quickly returning your attention to the children. Taehyung watched silently, and he could only think about one thing. He hadn’t told Namjoon, but he had also managed to get a kiss from you. So, he didn’t consider that an advantage. But Namjoon didn’t need to know that.

           What he did need to know what how he was going to make connections with the CEO of the Korean University of Arts. 

----------------------------------------

           Jimin headed home that night after a long of working at the office. With Namjoon sprinting out to pick-up Kai early, Jimin offered to stay behind and watch over the office, finishing up any important paperwork for the meeting that they had to reschedule. He was tired, and he was hungry, so the idea of getting to go home and eat something delicious excited him very much. That, along with a hot shower and some sleep, Jimin couldn’t stop thinking about it. As Jimin ascended the elevator to his Seoul loft, fumbling with his keys as he pressed them into the lock, turning it and pushing his door in, entering the main room. 

           Jimin slid off his shoes at the front door, immediately embracing the warm feeling inside his house. However, just as he closed the door, he heard a noise coming from deeper into the apartment. 

           “It’s about fucking time you got home!”

“Wait, is that the pizza or the owner of this house?” Another voice asked.

“It applies to both…”  The sound of two cackling male voices made Jimin’s shoulders slump, the realization that sleep and that hot shower would have to wait a little longer. However, he dragged himself into his living room to see Taehyung and Taeyong, lounging against the couch. Both of them had beers in hand. “We were going to wait for you to eat dinner, but you took too long! Jisoo ran out to pick it up!” 

           “…Why are you here?” Jimin asked curiously. He watched both boys hold up some shiny keys in their hands, jingling them in a way that only a toddler or a child could find funny. After hours of the phones in his office ringing, this sound was not anywhere near pleasing. “Yes, I know that. But I didn’t ask how, I asked why.” 

           “Oooh, Jimin’s mad.’ Taeyong grinned, nudging Taehyung, who only grinned along with him. 

           “And you’re both drunk. Nice. If I wanted to babysit toddlers, I’d be doing Tae’s job.” Both boys on the floor by the couch began snickering, having to hold onto each other in hopes not to lose balance. Jimin rolled his eyes. “May I ask why you’re here?”

           “I came after work because I wanted to ask you a question about your job.” Taehyung began, Jimin having to stop himself from walking and instead focusing all of his attention on what the slurred drunken words were that were coming out of Taehyung’s mouth. “I got lonely after a while, and you weren’t answering your texts-.”

           “I was working,” Jimin interjected quickly.

           “Yeaaaa, so I called Taeyong. He said he’d bring beer, but I figured we shouldn’t be drunk and by ourselves, so we called Jisoo over to join too.” Jimin nodded.

           “Well, thanks for not invited me to your party.” Jimin began. “But what did you need to ask me about my job?”

           “Are you meeting with the CEO of the Korean National University of Arts?” Taehyung asked. Jimin watched him stand up, running a hand through his hair. Immediately, Jimin frowned. 

           “Yes, but I can’t just walk in there and talk to him like I normally would for you.” He admitted. Taehyung frowned. “This is an important meeting; I can’t do something like that this time.”

           “Not even after?”

           “Mr. Kim will kill me if I do this time.” Taehyung pouted. 

           “But Mr. Kim and I are bestiiiies now, it’ll be okay-.” Jimin huffed. 

           “Taehyung, trust me. When I found out the guy was coming, I was thinking the same thing. Namjoon is the one who approached me and told me not to do it this time because of how important it is.” He could see the frustration in Taehyung’s eyes as the realization came over him that he wouldn’t get what he wanted. “Sorry.”

           “Aaaaa, whatever.” With a sigh of defeat, Taehyung plopped down onto the couch. “Where’s Jisoo with the pizza, I’m starving.” 

           It was only moments later that Jisoo came back, pizzas in her hands that Jimin quickly assisted with setting on the table. As the boys headed to the table to snag a few slices, Jimin excused himself into his room, hoping to at least change into comfy clothes rather than the tight business casual. As he changed, he could hear the sound of Taehyung, explaining to Jisoo what she had missed while she was out, in only the way a drunk man can: face stuffed with pizza and frustrated grumbling. He walked back out, closing the door behind him to alert the attention of his friends. 

           “I’ll see what I can do,” Jimin said. “But don’t get your hopes up…”

-------------------------------------------

The next day, Jimin was walking through the halls of his job, chatting with one of his co-workers about some after-work plans to get some drinks. He was thinking about “Mr. Kim-.” Jimin called, hurrying up towards his boss as they headed down the hallway. “Do you have everything you need for this meeting?” Namjoon looked over at the younger man, nodding. 

           “Yep. I stayed up all night last night preparing everything for it. If it goes well, getting a business agreement with the Korean National University of Arts will be a really good gig for us.”

           “Well, you’ll do great, just like you always do,” Jimin assured, smiling up at his boss. “I’m sure it’ll go even better than you think it will.” Namjoon couldn’t help but laugh, immediately fixing his glasses. 

           “You want to talk to the CEO of the school’s directive board, don’t you?” Namjoon asked curiously, side-eyeing Jimin as they continued to walk. When he saw the cheeky grin slip onto Jimin’s face in the way only Jimin knew how to do, Namjoon sighed. “Jimin-.” 

           “Just for a minute, after the meeting. Taehyung just asked me to-.”

           “I know he did, and I know you consider yourself his manager. But this meeting is about important alliances and business relationships for the company. If you just approach him out of nowhere, he might see it as inappropriate.” Jimin sighed, frowning. “I’m sorry.” 

           “It’s okay,” Jimin said. “I understand. I’m sorry for pushing it again.” Namjoon nodded. 

           “You’re a good friend. I’m sorry I can’t be of more help to you or Taehyung, he and I are starting to find common ground.” Jimin chuckled a bit, nodding. 

           “I heard,” Jimin admitted. “I’m glad to hear that, Mr. Kim.” As the duo continued down the hallway, Namjoon continued to chat about the meeting, and Jimin listened idly, letting out a soft sigh of frustration at the thought. He knew this would be the reaction he would get, hence why he mentioned it to Taehyung the night before. However, for some reason, hearing it this time frustrated him just a little bit more. 

-----------------------------------------

           Jimin sat in the back of the meeting that day, listening silently as Namjoon spoke with the CEO of the Korea National University of Arts, as well as all of his right-hand men, who were assisting him in making the right decision. Jimin could barely listen, his gaze darting constantly over to the CEO. Oh Jihoon, a middle-aged man with salt-and-pepper hair and a tightly pressed suit, who had been sitting in his chair with a subtle, yet the consistent smile on his face. Jimin, despite being told no by his boss, tried his hardest to think about when, if at all, he would be able to get a chance to speak to the man. The last time he did that, he got Taehyung a spot at the Ilsan Art Festival. But the time before that…well, Jimin likes to pretend Oh Min-Jae never really happened. His eyes flickered back to Namjoon as he changed the slide on his PowerPoint. 

           “I believe a business alliance between our company and the school will not only benefit those working on our ends in a legal matter but eventually will start trickling down into the lives of those enrolled in your university. Our CEO and I have already been in discussion about possible events and programs that could help interest these students in a way that better connects to their daily school lives.” Jimin crossed his arms, leaning back in his seat. Namjoon was such a well-spoken individual; anything that he said sounds so well-versed and prepared, even if in reality, he wasn’t saying too much. It was the way he spoke, the way he looked one in the eye when he shared. That’s what truly made him the main topic of these office hallways. 

           When Jihoon spoke up, almost everyone turned to listen. “I love the idea of boosting student morale through your company. I try to hold as many art shows and events on campus as I can because I know how much it interests the students. As a matter of fact, at the end of the month, I plan to hold a big art show for the celebration of the end of the semester, where the students showcase all they have done.” Jimin immediately snapped his head in the direction of the CEO once again. “In fact, if you’d like to send someone there as a spokesper-.”

           “I know just the thing!” Jimin shouted without thinking. When he saw eyes fall on him, he felt his ears heat up, and he crossed his arms. Quickly, he looked towards Namjoon, hoping for a silent sense of reassurance to continue. When he saw Namjoon nod his head gently, he turned to Jihoon again, who was still smiling sweetly. It was almost intimidating given the new context he was in. “My name is Park Jimin, Sir. I have a friend who is a self-made artist and I work as his manager. He’s relatively popular on Instagram too.” Jimin nodded. “I’m more than happy to go as a spokesperson to the event. But maybe having my friend there could generate some more buzz, especially if he brings it to social media.” 

           The room was silent for a moment, and Jimin was wondering if he should clean his desk out now or later. He’s never been one to speak out at one of these meetings, he knows in terms of the office ranking, he is still rather low on the totem pole. However, for some reason, he wanted to speak up before he lost his chance. Jihoon was silent, lifting a hand to his chin and rubbing it. Jimin could only wait silently, waiting for the moment Jihoon spoke up. Would he amuse the idea, turn it down? That smile was terrifying Jimin now. 

           Finally, Jihoon spoke up. “…Can you show me some of his work?” Jihoon asked. Jimin had to take a moment to process what the man had said, before fumbling into his pocket for his phone. “No, no,” Jihoon said quickly. “Go get me a good slide show of his work.” Jimin watched him point to the door. “Don’t take offense. I just have poor eyesight, so bigger pictures help me see all of the details.” 

           “Uhm…yes. I’ll do that.” Jimin turned to Namjoon, nodding his head before excusing himself from the meeting. He hurried down the hall, lifting his phone to his ear as the phone ringing. “Pick up, pick up, pick up…” He mumbled to himself. After a moment of ringing, Jimin overheard the sound of distant screaming, lots of distant screaming. For a moment, he heard Taehyung try to silence several names, before stepping out into the hall. 

           “Jimin, don’t we have this backward? I’m the one who calls you at work.” Taehyung said, amusement in his voice. 

           “Do you have five minutes?” 

           “Uh…the kids finish with me in about 5 minutes. What’s wrong?”

           “As soon as they leave, get on the computer and send me the best pictures you have of your best paintings.” Jimin plopped down on his office chair, waving to one of the girls in the next cubicle as he turned on his laptop. Taehyung was silent for a moment, so Jimin didn’t even give him room to speak. “I managed to get the CEO of the university interested in your work so I need to show him your best work.” 

           “You managed to do it?!” Taehyung gasped. “What about-?”

           “I wasn’t supposed to, but he said he’s having a huge school art show. Mr. Kim mentioned sending a spokesperson to the show, and so I offered myself, and you to promote online and go yourself. So, I need some of your best work as soon as possible, okay?”

           “Y-yeah. Yeah, yeah! Jimin you’re a god damn mad man and I owe you, my first-born child.” Jimin smiled a bit. “Okay, I see her coming to pick the kids up. Start the presentation and I’ll send them over in 10 minutes tops!” 

           “Deal.” Jimin quickly got up, and, with his eyes glued to the screen, began creating the skeleton of a PowerPoint that could just so happen to give Taehyung’s art career the boost it truly needed. He grinned to himself as he typed titles, wrote brief descriptions, and formatting them so that once Taehyung sent the photos, he could slip them in and be done. 

           If he worked fast, he could be done before Namjoon even finished his own presentation.

---------------------------------------------------

           “…Why did you want to help me clean up today?” Yoongi asked curiously, looking over at Taehyung as he scooped up a few basketballs laying around the outside basketball court. Taehyung looked over and rubbed his hand into his curly hair. 

           “Jimin is currently presenting my work to the CEO of the Korean National University of Arts at work. If I stay by myself in my office, I think I might just go insane.” Yoongi couldn’t help it, he had to snicker at the younger man’s nervousness. “It was so last minute; I shuffled the class out of the room and sent him pictures as fast as I could.” 

           “I’m sure it’ll be just fine then,” Yoongi assured smiling, strengthening his assurance with a kind smile. 

           “I hope so. Jimin said he’d call me as soon as it ended and he got an answer, and I can’t stop thinking about it.” Taehyung looked at one of the basketballs in his hands, then to the little basketball hoops set up beside the adult-sided ones. “Do you think I can make it?” Yoongi shrugged.

           “Probably.” He said simply. “If you make the big one, take it as I sign that you’ll hear good news from Jimin?”

           “And if I don’t make it?” 

           “Then you didn’t get the idea to test your fate on one basketball shot from me.” Both men snickered, but Taehyung did end up turning towards the basketball. Yoongi set the remainder of the balls into a cart, then turned to the male as well. “Remember to aim for the square behind the basket.” Taehyung chuckled at the coach’s comment, shuffling his feet to make sure he had a good stance. Taehyung stared at the hoop for what felt like an eternity, but finally, he extended his arms and sent the ball flying in the air. He and Yoongi watched with bated breath as the ball hit the back of the rim, spinning around for a moment before plopping into the net and onto the floor, gravity forcing it to hit the floor and bounce several times until it rolled off the court. The sound of Yoongi clapping behind him made Taehyung’s shoulders slump as if a new weight had been lifted off his shoulders. As trivial as it was, it made Taehyung feel much better. 

           Just then, however, his shoulders spiked back up once again as a familiar cellphone ring tone came singing into the court. He turned to it, watching as Yoongi scooped it up, and quickly handed it to him. “It’s Jimin.” He stated. 

           Taehyung took the phone into his hand, staring at Jimin’s name as he hit the green answer button, and pressed the phone to his ear. Before he could speak, he could already hear a faint sound of Jimin talking to another person on the other side of the line. It made Taehyung’s mind race: was it Namjoon? Was it a coworker? Or was it the CEO? “Jimin?” Taehyung finally called out. 

           “Oh, thank god you answered.” Jimin gasped, his voice becoming clear once again as he put his phone speaker close to his mouth. “I just finished with the CEO.”

           “How did it go?”        

           When Jimin let out an exhale, it made Taehyung want to kneel on the floor and shove his head into the pavement, like an ostrich that wasn’t looking for food, but instead for the promise of eternal sleep. “There’s good news and bad news….”

           “…Which do I want first?” He asked curiously. 

           “Well let me ask you this question first. Will your boss be able to give you the last Friday of the month off?” 

           “…I mean, yeah probably…why?” 

“Well, sometimes work can be difficult with letting people take time off without notice early in advance,” Jimin stated simply. “But maybe your boss will be generous if you tell him you just got a spot at the biggest art show this side of South Korea.” 

Taehyung wasn’t sure how he ended up on the floor of the basketball court, his knees stinging slightly as he collided with the pavement. He saw Yoongi walk closer to him, offering a hand of support, but he was too busy focusing every sense in his body to this phone call. 

“Is…is that the good news?” Taehyung asked, but he had to force it out of his mouth. Jimin had to laugh at the other line. 

“Yep! I’ll be over tonight, we have a lot of planning to do, Kim Taehyung.”

Taehyung couldn’t even be overjoyed at this moment, instead, he felt like he wanted to cry. “…Jesus, Jimin, you’re insane…” Jimin laughed a bit once again, pride washing over him. “…May I ask what the bad news was, even though it doesn’t matter to me literally at all now…”

Jimin huffed. “Well, the bad news is, because of my interruption of the entire meeting, Namjoon has made me not only be the spokesperson but has given me paperwork to last me until you have that first-born you promised me this afternoon…” 

Return to Masterlist 

Next / Previous

[spidercakes]

Peter is a famous cat burglar and Tony is a police officer trying to catch him

Omg this is so fun! I love this idea :) Went with a little bit of identity porn for it as well.

*

MJ is freaking out and yeah, Peter too because he totally didn’t see this coming. “Is she okay?” Shuri, princess Shuri of Wakanda, asks as she gestures to MJ hyperventilating on his couch.

Peter doesn't know how me manages to play it cool but he does. “She’s fine,” he says, “and much more competent than she looks.” Mostly because at the moment she looks like she’s a panicking fifteen year old but she’s good, very good, its why Peter works with her. And also she blackmailed him and Ned into stealing some artifacts like seven years ago and he’s gotten good at it so now he does it for a living. The funny thing is that he’s dating a cop, which Peter takes personal pride in because Tony isn’t exactly stupid. Actually he’s way too smart to be a cop but for whatever reason that’s where he ended up.

“Good, so you can do it then?” Shuri asks and Peter nods. “Great, if you get caught its better you than us,” she says and Peter frowns. “Using Wakandan tech would be a little obvious, would it not?” she points out, guessing at Peter’s thoughts.

“Good point. I thought that um... axe looking thingy was from Ghana though.”

Shuri presses her fingers to her temples, “please don’t tell me you think the British actually label their stolen artifacts correctly.”

“Yeah, that’s what MJ is for...” he says, wincing a little.

Shuri turns to her, “well, clearly you’re better at this than he is,” she tells her.

MJ finally regains her cool as she nods. “Poor white boy would be mostly helpless and flexible without Ned and I,” she says. “And here my mom thought I’d never make use of that anthropology degree,” she says, pleased with herself. Yeah, she doubts MJ’s mom thought she’d start an artifact smuggling ring returning stolen artifacts to various countries of origin but okay. And that doesn’t touch on the weekend jobs, which are usually more personal things and Peter finds it fun to thwart rich people’s security systems.

*

When Peter gets home Tony is pouring over a large pile of paperwork looking confused. “I don’t get how this guy manages to do all this,” he says.

Peter slips an arm around his shoulders and perches in his lap, “he’s good, I’ll give him that.”

“Too good to be working alone but there’s no evidence he’s working with anyone else,” he says, hand settled on Peter’s thigh.

There’s good reason for that and Ned is most of it, not that Peter doesn’t do his fair share to make sure they’re untraceable. But Ned is the guy in the chair and he’s damn good at it. Peter’s just backup. “I’m sure you’ll find him some day,” he says, kissing Tony’s cheek.

“I hope so because I’ve heard rumors of another robbery,” he says.

Peter knows, he’s spread a few well places rumors about a museum across the city from his actual target. “To be fair,” Peter says, “maybe the museums he steals from shouldn’t have a bunch of stolen shit in them. Seems like a good way to solve the problem at hand here is to give people their stuff back.”

Tony sighs, “you can’t just steal things, Peter.”

“Exactly, tell the museums to give the stuff back,” Peter says. Its not what Tony meant and they both know it so Tony sighs and gives him a look.

“You know what I meant,” he says.

“Sure I do, but I still think the problem is the museums here. I mean, stealing doesn’t seem so bad when you know the things that are being taken were already stolen,” he points out.

“And if those things end up on the black market?” Tony asks and Peter squints.

“We both know nothing has ever ended up there, that’s not a real argument.”

“But those things do disappear without a trace. Its possible they’re in someone’s personal collection now.” They aren’t, Peter knows, because he goes and steals things back from personal collections too.

“Isn’t this guy known for like... managing to steal a whole ass mummy from someone’s personal collection?” he asks. “I’d love to know how he managed that.”

Tony snorts, “you and everyone else. But yeah, I guess he’s stolen from a few personal collections too.”

Try dozens or better, but its harder to make connections to personal collections than it is to museums. Also, a lot of people with personal collections got those collections in less than legal ways, meaning calling the cops isn’t really something a good lot of them want to do lest they bust themselves for illegal activity in the meantime.

“See? Stuff probably isn’t going to personal collections,” he says, snuggling into Tony. “Now put that stuff away, you promised we could have a date night.”

*

Peter looks ridiculous sitting on the ground with one of the eyes of his suit blown off, exposing part of his face and his suit is torn. “Man, that’s going to take forever to fix,” Ned mumbles.

“The suit? Are we not going to talk about how that total hottie nearly killed Peter, appeared to kill his girlfriend, and then made off with that Wakandan artifact?” MJ asks. “What the hell are we going to tell the Wakandan royalty about this?”

“Um. That a total hottie nearly killed me, killed at least one of his accomplices, also stole one of those mask thingies, and then made off with their artifact?” he asks more than states. MJ cringes when he says ‘mask thingy’ but lets it slide on account of he’s bad at memorizing weirdly specific things about cultures he’s never seen up close before.

“We’re going to get marked by Wakandans before the American police finally figure us out and its so much worse because you’re dating the American police,” MJ mumbles.

“I’m dating a single cop, not the whole of American police come on,” Peter mumbles.

“Bootlicker,” MJ accuses. “Just want to get my opinion out of the way before I’m taken out by whatever passes for Wakandan Secret Service.”

Peter turns to Ned but he shrugs, “I’m kind of with MJ on that one, but also he’s hot. I’d stoop that low too,” he says, earning a look from MJ. “Oh come on, give Peter some credit Tony is hot.”

MJ lets out an annoyed noise. “Stark isn’t unattractive,” she says, acting as if admitting that hurts more than having her teeth pulled.

*

Tony is looking over the footage wondering how the hell this dude manages to stick to walls when he gets lucky and notices. The robbery went wrong, way wrong, and its clear no one expected the surprisingly attractive second robber if their first guy nearly getting shot in the face is any indication. But it does bust the eye of his suit and leaves his face partially visible for a few seconds before he turns from the cameras and crawls away, still attached to the ceiling.

He doesn’t expect it when he notices, of course he doesn’t expect it, but he’d know that face anywhere.

*

When Peter comes home he’s fully prepared to crawl into bed with Tony and snuggle up to him for the last time before he’s presumably killed off by Wakandan royals but when he gets there he knows Tony knows. He’s not exactly easy to read and he looks so hurt.

“Tony,” he says, instinctually going to him but Tony takes a step back.

“Was any of this even real?” he asks and Peter frowns.

“Tony, I steal things, that doesn’t make me an actor. So not my skill set,” he says. “But I’ll be honest, I saw that you were on the case and you’re hot so I figured I’d indulge myself a little. But then you ended up actually having a personality and after I found out that you managed to get a bunch of your coworkers arrested and charged with domestic abuse and also covering up for other cops I was kind of a goner.”

Its an easy way to soften the situation, Peter knows, because Tony doesn’t much care for any kind of abuse and he’s automatically endeared to anyone who feels the same way. “Then what is all this?” he asks, gesturing to his pile of files.

“I’ve already explained it to you like ten times,” Peter says. “And honestly I’ve had a really bad week so can we skip this talk until I sleep off nearly being shot in the face?” he asks.

Tony considers it, Peter can see he’s got a whole lot more questions, but he leaves it alone for the moment and opens his arms to Peter. He sighs and walks over, curling his arms around Tony’s waist and smiling when Tony does the same.

*

Tony looks shocked and Peter can’t say he blames him. He would be shocked too if not for his knowledge that Shuri is actually pretty cool and it turns out the Wakandans aren’t pissed. Shuri looks a bit harassed as she leans against the doorway. “Please do not call my murderous cousin hot,” she says.

“Well he was before he tried to shoot me,” Peter says. “And you know, his girlfriend.”

Shuri looks a bit pained but says nothing on that in particular. “Yes, well, turns out he has a lot of rage issues. Caused a lot of drama, threw my brother off a cliff, normal Wakanda stuff,” she says like kings get tossed off cliffs normally.

Tony frowns, “is... is that normal in Wakanda?”

“Yes of course, point is you don’t need to worry about it we got the vibranium back,” she says and winces, getting a dirty look from her guards in orange. “Um. I mean... can we get back to my murderous cousin?”

“Is he always that big of a dick or do you think he can be redeemed?” MJ asks.

Peter frowns, “you’re really gunna date a dude who murdered his ex?”

“No, dumbass. I’m going to have sex with him, Jesus. No need to make a commitment,” MJ mumbles.

“Well, you’ll have to summon him with a Ouiji board and have ghost sex,” Shuri says, then pauses. “Do those things actually work or are they a myth or American horror movies? I want to know if I can summon a ghost to haunt my brother,” she says excitedly.

[lovemesomesurveys]

it’s a very, very mad world.

Making a survey because I have no internet access! mixeberryvodka 1) If you had to make a six hour cross-country journey, would you rather take the train, fly or drive? How come? Fly. I don’t do well with long car rides. However, it could be fun if we stopped along the way to see things and whatnot. And I was with a fun group of people. 2) How long do your earphones tend to last before the connection goes and you have to replace them? My earphones last a long time. For the price I sure as hell hope so. 3) If you could dye your hair any colour in the world, assuming it would look perfect with your colouring, what would you pick and why? I’ve been dyeing my hair red for the past 5 years. I plan to keep doing that. 4) Are you a fan of musicals? If you are, what ones have you seen live and which ones would you like to see? Yeah, some. The only one I saw live was The Phantom of the Opera.  5) If money was no object, and you could go on a two-week vacation with one other person, who would you take, where would you go and what would you get upto? I’d take my mom. Ideally, we’d go to a few different places and do as much as we can. I’m not sure where exactly at the moment. 

6) Are you someone who needs to have time alone? Yessss, definitely. I need time to myself to just relax, recharge, and do my own thing. Socializing is very draining. I don’t have a social life anymore, but I remember what it’s like. ha. And some people can just be really draining. 7) What’s your opinion on couples who do literally everything together? Are you like that, or is that like one of your worst nightmares? I mean obviously you should spend time together and have things you enjoy doing together, but I think you also need your own time and a life outside of just each other.  8) Have you ever had to give up something you were addicted to? Did you actually succeed? Well, I’m definitely a caffeine addict and I used to drink soda and coffee everyday. However, almost 3 years I stopped drinking soda (apart from the bit I drink whenever I take my medicine because I have to crush pills and soda is the easiest thing for me to take it with). I didn’t have to give up, though. I actually wasn’t even trying to. It honestly just happened for whatever reason. A lot has changed with my appetite and things like that, so I think it has to do with that. 9) Does your favourite food vary depending on your mood or on the time of year or anything? Like I just mentioned, my appetite and eating habits and such has changed a lot these past few years. I go through phases where I’m really into something for awhile. For the past few months it’s been Wingstop. Prior to the self-quarantine really going to effect and now the state lockdown, I was getting it like 4 to 5 times a week. Now I’m just doing once a week. My brother works near one, so whatever day I choose to have it I make sure it’s when my brother has to work since he’s already out that way.    10) Do you know anyone whose views/opinions are the complete opposite of yours? Do you find it hard to get on with them as a result, or can you generally ignore it and find something else to talk about? Yeah, it’s like that with different people on different things. It’s fine, we don’t have heated arguments about it. We express our opinions with each other and we just hear each other out. We can agree to disagree or perhaps something one of us says changes our perspective on something. Or we just don’t talk about it at all. It really depends on what the issue we have opposing views is about. You don’t have to agree with someone on everything. Different views and opinions are interesting. Like I said, it really just depends. Some things are obviously going to be an issue and in those cases it’s just not going to work.  11) Have you ever had to work (or study) with someone that you really didn’t get along with? How did you deal with it (ignoring them, being nice, etc.)? Nah. I didn’t enjoy group projects in general for the most part, but it wasn’t because I didn’t get along with the group. I just found group projects to be more stressful and annoying. 12) Have you ever had any problems with your wisdom teeth, or have they been taken out already? I had them taken out quite awhile ago. 13) Which one of your senses would you miss the most if you lost it? Oh man. I’d have a really hard time losing either my sight, taste, or smell. That would be devastating.  14) Do you ever listen to CDs anymore? I just use Spotify on my phone for music. I haven’t bought or listened to an actual CD in several years. 15) What’s your favourite type of fast food? Is it something you eat a lot or do you try and limit it? I really haven’t been into fast food for the past several months. I used to love it. Some of ya’ll might remember my Taco Bell obsession I had for awhile. :X  16) Do you find your mood changes when you’re hungry or tired? Does eating or sleeping automatically cure your of a bad mood? Hangry is very much a real emotion. Eating or sleeping will help if that’s contributing to my bad mood. However, I’m a moody, irritable person in general, so being hungry or tired isn’t always the reason. It usually isn’t. They certainly can add to it, though. 17) When you see cute animals, do you just wanna pick them up and cuddle them or fuss them? If it’s a doggo. Wild animals can be cute and adorable, but I definitely wouldn’t want to go near them and “fuss them”, ha. 18) What’s the stupidest fight you’ve ever gotten into? Did you make up with that person or did you end up losing them over it? One that came to mind happened when I was a freshman in high school with my group of friends at the time, but it’s something that I still find myself thinking about now and then. I have regrets regarding that situation. It was so stupid and handled all wrong. I lost an awesome group of friends because it. 19) Do you find yourself using people as footrests and pillows if you’re sat next to them? No. 20) Have you ever gotten really bad travel sickness? Has this put you off travelling or going by certain modes of transport in case it happens again? I don’t do well with long car rides. 21) What’s your opinion on prostitution? Should it be legal and regulated, or is it something that needs to be gotten rid of completely? 22) If it was a case of prostitution or being evicted from your home, which option would you pick (assuming you’d tried everything else to make money first)? Fortunately, I’d have other options. 23) What would go into your ideal sandwich? Do you eat that often or is a treat for you? I love wheat or white bread with bologna, sharp cheddar cheese, mayo, and spinach or cracked pepper turkey and salami with sharp cheddar cheese and mayo. A pickle and a dipping bowl with olive oil on the side for both. 24) In general do you prefer modern art or more traditional art? Or do you really not care? I can appreciate all different styles. A beautiful piece of art is a beautiful piece of art. 25) If you want (or don’t want) kids, is this something you’ve always known or have you changed your mind as you’ve grown up? I’ve known I didn’t want kids for a long time. 26) Do you believe “once a criminal, always a criminal” or do you think that people can really change and become better? It’s definitely possible.  27) Have you ever read a quote or a poem and really connected with it? Yeah, there’s numerous quotes and lyrics that I relate and connect with.  28) What’s something that really puts you off a person (bad hygiene, whatever)? Are you willing to look past that in order to get to know them properly? Arrogance and ignorance, and no. If you're an asshole, I will not overlook it. I will overlook you. <<< Yes! 29) Are you into piercings and tattoos? If not, do you judge people who are, and vice versa? I’m not into them really, but no I don’t care if other people are. I will say if we’re talking about dating preferences, however, I wouldn’t mind a couple piercings and some tattoos, but I’m really not into a lot of either one. And I’m reallyyyy not into face tatts.  30) What’s your opinion on places like Seaworld? Do you think keeping whales and dolphins in such small enclosures is cruel or a necessary evil? It’s way too cramped and they’re treated terribly. I’ve actually never been into Seaworld ever since I was a kid because I’ve always had this fear of killer whales.

[nsfwviolets]

hello everyone !! my name is ally & i hail from the est timezone. i really should be studying for my exam tomorrow or at least trying to get some rest but here i am !! i don’t think anything has really changed about vi but everything you need to know about her is under the cut !! & like always, please like this post so i could bother you for plots !!

❛ new york’s very own violet lennox was spotted on broadway street in jimmy choo thigh high boots. your resemblance to taylor hill is unreal. according to tmz, you just had your twenty-third birthday bash. while living in new york, you’ve been labeled as being avaricious, but also enticing. i guess being a gemini explains that. three things that would paint a better picture of you would be elongated limbs tangled in pink silk sheets, the lingering smell of yves saint laurent mon paris, & oversized faux fur coats draping sun kissed shoulders  ( cisfemale & she/her ) + ( ally, 21, she/her, est )

basics ;;

full name:  violet ( soft & sweet ) faith ( unquestioning belief and complete trust in god ) lennox ( northern irish / scottish last name ).

nicknames: vi, v.

age: twenty-three.

birthday: 18 june 1996.

zodiac: gemini.

gender: cisfemale.

pronouns: she / her / hers.

sexual orientation: bisexual.

nationality: american.

hometown: aspen, colorado.

parents: diane galindo ( brooke shields ) & richard lennox ( rob lowe ).

siblings: older sister.

pet(s): one year old miniature labradoodle named tate.

religion: roman catholic.

height: 5′10.

occupation: victoria’s secret angel / instagram model / socialite.

positive traits: honest, loyal, passionate, responsible, authentic, affectionate, reliable, kindhearted, & courageous.

negative traits: loud, manipulative, stubborn, materialistic, selfish, abrasive, hypocritical, insecure, & dramatic.

hobbies: shopping, audrey hepburn movie marathons, traveling, being the center of attention, photography, spontaneous dance parties, working out, massages, doodling, pilates, online shopping, & journaling.

habits: interrupting someone mid sentence, excessive hair tucking, shoulder rolling, lip biting, & impatiently tapping her heels or acrylic nails when she is at a loss for words & or annoyed.

labels: the vixen & the babydoll.

aesthetics: silk dresses, lip gloss, the deafening sound of designer heels making contact with marble floors, lipstick stained coffee mugs, matte nail polish, glitter, diamonds, snow days, satin sheets, impulsive shopping sprees, romantic comedy binge watches, ocean waves, lolita, bright lights, day drinking, champagne for breakfast, iced matcha, lingerie as outerwear, yves saint laurent mon paris perfume sprayed on the nape of her neck & her decolletage, lavender oil, acrylic nails, snow blanketing trees, hardwood mahogany floors, hgtv reruns, vintage chanel, pretty in pink, rose gold accents, bubble baths after a long day, half naked pictures, & rose water.

style inspo: taylor hill, kylie jenner, candice swanepoel, josephine skriver, kendall jenner, blair waldorf, & cher horowitz. here are just a few examples of her wardrobe !! ( x x x x x ) muse inspo: brooke davis ( one tree hill ), cher horowitz ( clueless ), blair waldorf ( gossip girl ), gabrielle solis ( desperate housewives ), lydia martin ( teen wolf ), fallon carrington ( dynasty ), sadie saxton ( awkward ), lauren cooper ( faking it ), mini mcguinness ( skins ), holly golightly ( breakfast at tiffany’s ), maddy perez ( euphoria ), brooke maddox ( scream ), samantha jones ( sex & the city ), tahani al jamil ( the good place ), jackie burkhart ( that ‘70s show ), naomi clark ( 90210 ), cece parekh ( new girl ), cassie howard ( euphoria ), madison montgomery ( american horror story ), jenna maroney ( 30 rock ), kelly kapoor ( the office ), elle woods ( legally blonde ), rachel green ( friends ), paris hilton, & mona-lisa saperstein ( parks & recreation ).

background ;;

violet faith lennox is diane galindo’s & richard lennox’s youngest child. born three weeks early on 18 june 1996 at aspen valley hospital in aspen, colorado. the very moment they held their daughter ( who they lovingly referred to as a ‘ blessing ‘ ) in their open arms, they knew that their family was finally complete.

her mother ( diane ) is her parents’ pride & joy. as the eldest daughter of wealthy wall street executives, she has done nothing but make her family proud her entire life. growing up, her dream in life was to help her father’s business but her career quickly changed course when she decided to pursue a career in medicine. the new york native eventually ended up going to harvard medical school in boston, massachusetts where she would end up meeting her future husband. to this day, dr. galindo is one of the most recognizable names in medicine & is world renowned for her work as a reproductive endocrinologist ( fertility specialist ).

her father on the other hand ( richard ) was born to an influential family in los angeles, california. from an early age, he was exposed to the spotlight due to the fact that his own father was governor of california & hoped to become president one day. however, things seemed to go off course the day the former governor was caught in his own cheating scandal all while being married to a former pageant queen. scandal erupted when the politician not only cheated on his stunning wife with a young secretary but when his mistress announced to the world that she was pregnant. the entire news circuit covered this affair for months & the governor resigned from his position when news broke that he urged his mistress to get an abortion.

following the scandal, the family fell out of the public spotlight. they spent years trying to repaint their public image after it was tarnished for nothing but selfish desire. approximately ten years later, the family made news again but this time about their newly found faith in god joining the long list of religious right wing politicians. richard’s father felt as if the only way to redeem himself was to devote himself to god. after years of distancing themselves from the catholic church, the family dove right back in which became the start of their fundamental catholic values that ruled every aspect of their lives.

as the only son in the family, richard’s parents had high expectations for him. however, he seemed to have different plans for himself that didn’t involve making his family proud or practicing what they preached. as an undergraduate student at yale, his interests were far & few between. his days only seemed to consist of sleeping with random women & binge drinking to his heart’s content. he knew that he didn’t have to be an astounding student because he had a giant trust fund waiting for him at home. but after a drunk driving accident that resulted in a 40 year old woman’s hospitalization & his own arrest, richard knew he had to clean up his act.

he eventually followed his family’s lead & became an ultra religious catholic. he even managed to boost up his grades & get an academic scholarship to harvard law school where he met diane. diane didn’t come from a strong religious background. in fact, she liked to tell people that she only believed in science & didn’t have faith or trust in a superior figure. but when she met a young richard lennox, her entire world was turned upside down. she let him into her life, converted to catholicism, & the two got married after three years of dating. flash forward to 1992. the married couple is moving to aspen, colorado for diane’s new job at an upscale hospital. they even received a generous check from richard’s parents to buy a mansion in the mountains !!

life for the couple in colorado was serene. they eventually welcomed their first child into the world ( a daughter ) & a few months later, their families moved to help them raise their children. both diane & richard always wanted a big family due to their catholic faith. they both agreed they would stop after 6 kids, however, their minds were quickly changed when she became pregnant with violet.

her pregnancy was extremely difficult to say the least. between being on bed rest for months & frequent hospitalizations, she didn’t know if she could do this again. on top of her own health issues, she also had problems with her unborn child. there was even a night where they thought they would lose violet after diane experienced unexplainable bleeding & her fellow colleagues at the hospital couldn’t detect a heartbeat.

luckily, they were able to find a heartbeat after 6 minutes of deafening silence & hushed prayers for a miracle. after that night, they knew that their daughter was a blessing which is why they agreed to give her the middle name faith which symbolizes their unrequited devotion to god.

eventually, violet was born !! she was born three weeks early & spent a week in the icu but overall she was healthy. she was a bit underweight but she was miraculously healthy. but after everything the family had been through, they decided that violet would be their last child.

as a child, violet did every thing her parents had asked of her. their faith played a large role in her upbringing which is why she spent every sunday inside of church.

by the time she was 8 years old, her family decided to move to new york city due to the fact that her mom received a prestigious job on the upper east side. at the age of 8, violet was already a competitive gymnast who’s likes included spending time with her family, competing, & going to school. even then she knew she could do everything she loved in another state which is why she didn’t put up much of a fight when she was told that they would be moving across the country.

moving from snowy open colorado to the upper east side of manhattan was definitely a culture shock for violet even at an early age. nonetheless, she eventually got used to new york city life & to this day she doesn’t think she would survive a week in colorado.

even after she moved to a new part of the country, violet remained devoted to gymnastics & her family. she had dreams of one day going to the olympics for gymnastics & everyone who knew her saw her potential. she even competed in world events & became a household name !! although, her parents often emphasized that school & religion come first which is why they made her & her sister attend a private catholic school all the way through high school.

in high school, she was a classic goody two shoes church girl. she was a strong student who received perfect grades in order to please her parents. for the longest time, she didn’t have time for anything other than school & sports but that changed by the time she was 16.

despite attending an all girls school, violet met her first boyfriend through one of her mutual friends. & like all stereotypical teen romances, it was love at first site. she was so infatuated with him that she was willing to put everything in her life on the back burner in order to focus on him.

& by the time she was 18, she received numerous academic & sports scholarships to prestigious colleges. however, violet decided to take a gap year in order to spend more time with her boyfriend of two years. she knew that she would eventually go to college but she wanted to make some time for herself first. her parents weren’t exactly happy about her decision due to the fact that she has big shoes to fill but they eventually came around the idea & were even happy for their daughter & her wholesome catholic boyfriend.

during her gap year, they spent an entire year traveling the world. they went to bali, greece, peru, brazil, iceland, dubai, thailand, argentina, & morocco. throughout the course of the year, violet documented her travel on her instagram & other social media platforms which is when she started gaining a lot of followers who wanted to watch her travel the world with the love of her life. before her influx of instagram followers, not a lot of people outside the world of gymnastics knew who she was. people of course knew who her parents were ( a famous doctor & lawyer ) but the world did not really know who exactly violet lennox was.

by the end of her gap year violet already had over 1 million followers on instagram !! & she was already getting paid doing what she loves which is travel the world. & since all of this happened during her year off, violet ended up telling her parents that she didn’t want to go to college which damaged their relationship as a result.

since her parents were so unsupportive of her decision to not go to college & ultimately quit gymnastics, violet ended up moving out of her house & moved in with her boyfriend at only the age of 19. & because her parents were completely unsupportive of her decision not to attend college, they cut her off financially & she was forced to make a living for herself. by this point, her career as a social media influencer was booming so she was already making a lot of money just through promoting detox teas, teeth whitening kits, etc.

it may seem as if life for violet was perfect by this point despite her falling out with her parents. however, that was not the case. even though she fooled the entire world by thinking that she had a perfect relationship, her boyfriend was incredibly abusive towards her & had been ever since the two started dating. although he was never physically abusive, he was mentally, emotionally, & verbally abusive. for years violet made excuses for him & blamed herself for their problems which only made her feel more miserable than she already was. this was her first real relationship & she genuinely thought that they were destined to be together even though she was severely unhappy.

he would constantly cheat, manipulate her, make fun of her appearance & insecurities, & wouldn’t let her do anything without his permission. the two were together for three years & there even was a time where violet became pregnant but quickly had an abortion without him knowing as soon as she found out. just three months after living together, she finally found the courage to break up with him. although it wasn’t easy at first, she’s thankful that she finally got out of a dangerous relationship. she also understands the dangers of social media better than anyone else because she fooled the world into thinking that she was in a happy loving relationship when that was far from the truth.

when violet told the world about their breakup ( most likely in an instagram live or an instagram story ) she ended up losing millions of followers. the majority of her followers only followed her to watch her travel the world with her boyfriend so once they found out that they were no longer together ; they didn’t see the point in following her anymore.

for an entire year following her breakup, violet began to spiral out of control. she started using drugs, alcohol, & partying as coping mechanisms in order to help her move on & forget about everything she had endured. that of course didn’t work but that didn’t stop her from partying every single night of the week & ending up in a stranger’s bed. eventually, she even leaked her own sex tape & naked pictures to the press in hopes that the press coverage would help make up for the millions of followers she lost on instagram.

& as she expected, the world would not stop talking about her sex tape for months. she gained the most followers she has ever done & eventually she got real modeling jobs as a result of her popularity. she hasn’t exactly told the world that she was the one who leaked the 20 minute video but everyone in their immediate circle knows she did it & also knows that she has other videos lying around for ‘ emergency ’ situations.

however, her parents cut off all contact with her following her scandal & it is still something that cuts deep two years later. she tells herself & everyone around her that she doesn’t need a family but everyone knows that’s a lie. it’s just a lie she keeps on telling herself to feel better about herself.

violet managed to clean up her act & went from being a social media influencer to an actual model. many people don’t respect her name due to her troubling past with her sex tape & being an instagram model but that doesn’t seem to stop her. she has been featured in the love advent calendar, the victoria’s secret fashion show, & many fashion weeks since then.

she became the youngest victoria’s secret angel at the age of 20 !!

she is also the youngest global ambassador for lancôme & ralph lauren !!

although she has become more of an actual model rather an instagram model, she still stays loyal to her social media platforms which is why she has over 100 million followers.

she lives a happy life after being so unhappy for so long but she still seeks her parents approval even though they have no contact with her.

personality ;;

for someone who is incredibly smart, she pretends to be dumb sometimes. she doesn’t think that guys like smart girls so she dumbs herself down. but she could also be a ditz at times ( unintentionally ).

she likes to think of herself as approachable but she also knows that she can be intimidating. nonetheless, she tries to be nice to everyone who comes her way unless they say the wrong thing to her & then she switches on her mean girl switch that comes far too easy for her.

even though violet is a lot to deal with, she is a nice person !! although she does have a flair for the dramatics & denies being dramatic all the time. she also likes to think of herself as a ‘ good girl ’ even though she is far from one. she loves sex & isn’t afraid to shy away from that but she still tells people that she’s good or an angel because it makes herself feel better about herself.

she also goes to confession 1-2 times a week to pray for her sins in order to get into heaven. she thinks with the amount of adultery she commits on a daily basis she needs to pray for her sins otherwise she won’t go to heaven & she thinks she looks way better in white than in red.

if you do her wrong, she will go out of her way to make your life a living hell. she is incredibly protective over the people in her life so she will do just about anything for them including berating people. revenge might as well be her last name !!

she may be loud and unnecessary at times but she is kind hearted and does mean well. even if she does have a bad way of showing it at times.

miscellaneous ;;

since she comes from a strict traditional upbringing, she was taught that being anything other than straight is wrong. so when violet first started experimenting with girls & even developed feelings for one, she told herself that she was going to hell. this is one of the reasons why she has not come out of the closet or has even come to terms with her sexuality. she denies all past same sex encounters & relationships which isn’t healthy. but since her parents disowned her following her sex tape, she knows that they would hate her more than they already do. if they ever found out that their daughter was anything but straight they would lose their minds & she’s still hoping that one day they could repair their relationship. apparently being bisexual is worse than having a sex tape !!

when she was a competitive gymnast for the united states national team, she was often put on strict diets in order to keep up. as a result of the strict dieting & unrealistic body images, violet developed bulimia as early as 12 years old. so when she quit gymnastics after deciding not to attend college, she was happy. she loved the sport but hated the pressure. even to this day, the sport isn’t actually sure what happened to her because she was an olympic hopeful. they all thought that she could have been the next gold medalist but she values her own mental health & sanity over a couple of medals. & even though she sought help for her eating disorder that reared ugly heads at times, she did slip up a lot while she was with her boyfriend who would make fun of her appearance. even now she isn’t 100% but she is better than she has ever been.

is extremely flirty & alluring.

violet also believes that the world revolves around her. many people may find her confidence to be annoying or superficial but she takes pride in it because it took her so long to learn how to love herself after being with her first boyfriend.

speaking of relationships, she’s terrible at them. she often runs away when things become too serious, manipulates the people she’s with, or breaks up with them for no reason. her logic is that she wants to hurt someone before they have the chance to hurt her. she still has yet to understand that the rest of the world isn’t like her ex but her past still haunts her every time she catches feelings.

she likes to tell people that monogamy isn’t the life for her which is why she prefers casual sex. she is also a proud sugar baby & has many sugar daddies !! most of them are old & married but she is a sucker for anyone who buys her nice things.

also has an instagram account for her dog !!

her most used emojis in her phone are the halo, the suggestive face, & the pink glitter heart.

she’s a gemini which means that she is expressive, quick-witted, sociable, and affectionate.

her favorite tv show is gossip girl.

her favorite movie is the notebook.

has a passion for photography but hasn’t explored it seriously. she understands that she makes a living off of being another pretty face but she also wants to explore other aspects of her career like photography & maybe even acting.

she often considers going to college or even going back to gymnastics a lot but she not made up her mind yet. she is happy right now as a model but she does miss aspects of her old life.as an instagram model, she is like kendall jenner or gigi hadid. in other words, she has a large following & people book her for photo shoots & fashion shows in order to boost their own notoriety because it looks better on their part. her walk is average at best but she does have a beautiful face. people hate instagram models working in the real modeling business as it is so they despise an instagram model with a sex tape !!

she lives in a townhouse in chelsea that has been featured in architectural digest twice. her home is filled with hardwood floors, marble, gold accents, & constantly smells like lavender.

the last concert she went to was lana del rey.

the last song she listened to was everybody loves you by charlotte lawrence.

the last show she binge watched was you.

the last movie that made her cry was tangled.

loves wellness shots after dogpound workouts.

gets daily massages by her french masseuse.

all & all, she is a mess but she loves the people in her life !!

here’s her pinterest board if you want to take a look !! i also have a wc page here that will most likely be updated over the weekend. & my discord is علياء#4067

[evien-stark]

✧I Need You✧ Chapter 34 [Begin: Interlude]

You had a flight to Switzerland in four days. And a flight to NYC to close papers on property came five more days after that. In the middle of all that you were still cleaning up the Expo, paying out slots in the fund for the people who got hurt, taking pressers and briefings, linking up with the legal department to get started on casework against Justin Hammer. Shelling out cash and vision to fix the damaged house in Malibu.

You’d thought this is what you wanted. But was it?

And, surprise surprise, right in the middle of contemplating that, leaving a boardroom meeting, you found Natasha Romanoff sitting in your office. She’d been mysteriously absent after the Expo violence, but then again, you supposed that was her job. It wasn’t with you. Made all the more clear when she slid a piece of paper your way on the desk once you sat down.

You didn’t even need to look at it to know. “Resigning?”

“Ms. Rushman finds that Stark Industries has grown a little too hectic for her tastes.” Although she was offering you a smile, you couldn’t find it in yourself to return it.

Was this disappointing to you? A strange feeling. Not sure where it was coming from. “I share her thoughts on that.”

The expression on her face shifted to something sharp but neutral. “I’m ending my cover here without provocation. In case I need to use it for something else later.”

Good ol’ super secret spy talk. “I figured. Does that mean I’ll be getting a call for reference at some point?” Trying your best not to be cold to her. Offering just a little joke.

Something she seemed grateful for. “It could happen. You never know. I expect a glowing recommendation.”

“Make sure not to list Tony, then.” You had no reason to fight with her. Especially if you were going to be… coworkers? Was that even the right word? You had no idea.

She nodded with a light laugh as she stood, a brief meeting it seemed. Must have had other things to get to. “SHIELD has a space not too far from here. We’re just setting up.” And the other shoe dropped. “We’d like you to come in for your preliminaries in the next few days.”

Setting your elbows on the desk, you linked your hands together. “I’m going to be out of the country. But I can work it in the 17th, if you’re okay waiting.” Time enough to enjoy Basel, get home and reset. “If not it’s going to have to be after the 20th.” An even longer wait in that case. You couldn’t start letting them order you around.

You had a life. A very busy one. This Avengers SHIELD nonsense was probably important. But so were your own duties. Dropping everything just to attend to this superhero life was a poor play. You’d only just barely convinced Tony of that.

“The 17th is fine. We’ll do your firsts tests then.” As she spoke you tapped the desk a few times to bring the on-screen open so you could add it to your calendar. “Then we’ll do your first round of physical training on the 18th. And your first round of enhanced training on the 19th.”

See?

See? You knew this was going to happen. All those dates and what came with them fell out of her, well prepared. Eager to start you into your new life as a super soldier. Although you circled the dates on the calendar, you glanced up at her with a brow arched. “What’s the difference between physical and enhanced?”

“Physical will be with me- as long as I’m on premises.” Meaning that could change at any moment. Made sense. “Enhanced will be with someone else with more… experience in that field.” Oh. The thing. Right.

You were unable to hold a sigh in. “How long will this take- the sessions, I mean. I’m not expecting to get buff overnight or anything.” Or at all. You were almost certain that was not the point of this.

But it at least eased you when she smiled again. Genuine. You much preferred that. “We’ll start at three hours a day. We know you’re a busy woman.”

Three hours. Three hours every time you committed to this. In a warehouse or a room- some days getting your ass kicked, no doubt. And others… doing whatever it was you were going to be doing to hone the thing. And you knew that would be exhausting, too. And once it was all over you’d have to slink off to a meeting or an interview or paperwork…

“What time on the 17th?” Was this really your life now? How? How had you been indoctrinated into being a superhero? Wasn’t that absolutely insane?

“For testing we’ll start at 8AM. For physical we’ll start at 10AM. I like to sleep in when I can.” Her joking with you wasn’t exactly landing. It was clear she was trying to lighten the mood. Make it easy. Because it seemed like the two of you were going to be working together- again- …

Ah.

Now you understood it.

 I’d like it if we continued to get along.

 You tried not to dwell on it. Giving her a smile, “Me, too.”

                           ----------------------------------------------------------

 No matter how much money you had at your disposal to clean up the house, people could only work as fast as they could work. While some bits were cleaned up, others were cordoned off. The teams had at least gotten walls and windows fixed so there wasn’t an overbearing amount of outside air just trundling in. While it may have been smart to stay at a hotel, still, Tony had wanted to be in the lab. Which had been just lucky enough to keep from being destroyed. Not that it wasn’t used to it.

So that’s where you went when you got home around 11PM that night, two platters from a restaurant, ordered and picked up on the way, in arm. Keying yourself into the lab, you kept quiet.

Tony had a pair of blue tinted glasses on, thick black frames up top and clear around the bottom, squinting at the holo-board with tons of equations all over it. “No, JARVIS, that’s not gonna work for me.”

“Well if you would put in the proper variables, I may be able to help.”

You tried to hide a smile as you set dinner down on the corner of a nearby work station. Turning, Tony moved a wireframe hologram mock up of his newest Iron Man suit around. “Lift- here. I need more stabilization in the back panels.”

“And where would you suggest we reroute the power from, sir?”

“Unbelievable. If I have to do everything myself, why do I even have you?” Extending four small slices of the suit on the back- what looked kind of like wings, sort of- he then lifted the panel out of the back and began pulling makeshift wiring. It was sort of amazing what he could do with all these lights.

“Like I said, sir, if you’d give me the proper-”

“Proper variables- proper variables- I heard you the first time.” Turning half his body, hip propped out, he reached his hand over to the board to start quickly writing out numbers and letters and signs you’d never even begin to process. Tony was way beyond you with this stuff. Always would be.

He was way beyond everyone.

And watching him work was… kind of hot.

“There. Now- simulate- give me about 30MPH of force.” The suit tilted forward, and you propped yourself up on a stool, opening your container to take a few fries in hand and watch. Still quiet. “Up to 40.” Half crossing his arms, he put his free hand under his chin. “Hands out-” Talking to the suit, which obeyed. “Quick stop.” The motion jerked the suit with a dangerous rattle of the helmet. He breathed out an annoyed sigh. “Change this- get rid of this-” Waving numbers off the board and then scribbling in more. “We working with proper variables yet, JARVIS?”

“Getting closer, sir.”

Turning the suit back around, he opened the chest piece, messing with some of the things in there. “I need you to up the leveling… and give me a read on the source… connect this… which should… stabilize…” Mumbling thoughtfully as he worked. “Mm. Yep. That should do it. No thanks to you. Render that out for me.”

“Render time will take approximately one hour.”

“Enough time for you to eat dinner.” You finally spoke up and delighted when he turned to look at you, surprised for only a moment and then breaking into a smile like he hadn’t seen you in days.

“When’d you get here? -wait, actually, come here.” Holding his hands out with a little inward motion.

Getting down off the stool and wiping your hands on your pants you stepped into his work space, opening your arms, thinking he’d been beckoning you into a hug. But he side stepped you and instead put his hands on your arms to hold them further up. “What are we doing?”

“Hold. Like that.” Keeping your arms out and then moving down to readjust your legs in a wide stance. “Great. JARVIS scan.”

Even though logically you knew it was just lights passing over you, you couldn’t hold back a little shiver as a beam came down over you, then up, then down. And when it was finished you put your hands on your hips. “Tony.” It was clear what he was doing.

Reaching up, he cupped the sides of your face in his palms and that softened you, only a little, at least until he held a finger up on the left side of your face, watching your eyes with a little bite of his lip, trailing his finger across the bridge of your nose and to the right side ending at your temple. “Mmhmn… yeah. Okay. I thought so.” Turning away he scrolled through a few pages on the holo-board and when he arrived at a new set of variables, he wrote in some information.

“Tony.” Calling to him again. Not angry, knowing that he was working on exactly what you two had agreed on, but getting just a little agitated because he was so wrapped up in it he was practically using you like a bust form.

Moving around again, he settled behind you, one arm around your shoulders. He then slipped the blue-tinted glasses he was wearing over the bridge of your nose and a flood of light entered your vision. So sharp you tilted your head away- uselessly- with a close of your eyes. “Give it a second. It’s calibrating.” He held you steady, a comforting presence.

When you opened your eyes again you saw… some prototype of a HUD- or was this what he was working with all the time? As your eyes flicked around the room, a tracker kept watch on your iris, seeing the light circle there as it highlighted everything you stayed focused on for more than a few seconds. It picked out objects with detailed readouts in the upper corners, papers by listing lines of text that were on them- “This is a lot.” You could feel a headache coming on.

“Here-” He took hold of one of left hand, still holding you close with his other arm, sliding your finger down the side of the lens. The brightness and information dimmed. “You’ll be able to tell her low mode later. It’s a base prototype so I don’t have voice commands in yet.”

Shifting back to look at him- the glasses zeroed in on his face, giving a read out of not just him but his vitals. “Her?”

He grinned softly. “I don’t want JARVIS to have to play favorites.”

“A terribly difficult decision, I assure you.” JARVIS’ wry wit sounding off.

Tilting your head carefully again, he redirected your attention. “Can you see everything? Everything you want to see?”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to want to see.” You heard him reaching back to grab something on the desk and he threw a wrench at the far side of the room. The glasses picked up on them, tracking the pattern, the trajectory, speed… “This is what you see? When you’re in Iron Man?” It was so much information. How did he do this constantly? “It makes my head hurt a little.”

“Just about. Well- sort of. This is in casual mode.” You immediately knew what that meant. And you didn’t feel like asking him to expand on what was probably attack mode or something similar.

“Fujikawa is going to be pissed.” They’d been asking for his direction on their own prototype of something very similar to this. The Stark HUD 2020. It was his tech, so he could do whatever he wanted with it. But…

“I told you. They were moving too slow for me. Whatever they end up with won’t be as good anyway. Let them keep going. This is for singular personal use.” Yours, he meant. “I looked at their designs.” He waved a hand in front of your face and you watched the tracker hone in. Finally, he let go of you to walk around and stand in front of you again. “This is nanotech. No one’s even close to this.”

Save him.

Your genius Tony Stark.

But that reminded you, and absently you reached up to touch at an injection site that had long since healed. “Nanotech?”

“You’re getting comfortable with it. And it’s lightweight. The glove is nanobots, too.” The one you’d used to… better not think about it. Easy to do when he continued. “This is just a start. You want something that will conceal your identity. I can do that.” Self satisfied. Tilting back just a little, he scrolled through the holo-board contents again to bring up what your suit specs looked like. Barebones. Filled out only a little more by what you knew was JARVIS’ scan of you moments ago.

And at that you really couldn’t help the smile that blossomed on your lips. “I thought Fury said that was a bunch of nonsense.”

“Fury doesn’t know who he’s dealing with. Clearly.” It seemed Team Stark would not be told no for anything. While you’d learned this was a dangerous behavior, not being able to rein Tony in… on the other side of it, it was nice. And kind of fun.

“Speaking of. Natasha came to my office and gave me some dates.” On the left side of the glasses, your schedule popped up. Something that drew your attention only briefly before looking back at him again. “We’re going to start between Basel and New York.” Activities highlighted themselves as you called them out. Again only briefly glancing at them.

He crossed his arms, propping his hip against a work table. “I can have this done before then.”

“No. It’s alright. They don’t need to know about this right now.” On top of that you really didn’t want him working to the bone to get whatever this was going to look like finished. “It looks like you’re pretty preoccupied with your own suit, anyway.” Leaning up on tiptoe to pointedly look at the holographic Mark VI behind him.

The HUD on the glasses immediately started working through information piece by piece, calling out important details on the new mock up of the latest Iron Man. You let it, interested although not completely sure what you were looking at.

Giving a detailed read out, all happening within brief flashes of moments. Maybe your brain was registering things even if you weren’t really getting it all. Because you saw where he left off- even if you’d heard him talking about it when you’d come in. “You’re working on a way to stabilize flight without your hands, right?” Finally you slipped the glasses off and handed them back to him.

He slipped them in the front pocket of his shirt, giving you a light smile. “I’m trying not to go the whole big vulnerable wing route. Might as well add a cape at that point.”

Reaching up, you wound your arms around his neck. “You already have lift.” No need for wings to take off. A thoughtful hum as you smiled back up at him. “But a cape. Now there’s an idea.”

“Oh. So you want a cape?” His hands slipped over the curves of your hips, pulling you closer.

“Yes, let’s piss off Fury even more. It needs to be sparkly.” Giggles leaked out of you as he leaned in closer, his nose brushing against yours, all smiles. But he swallowed the noise of them soon after as he took you in a careful kiss.

Lasting too short a time before he pulled back. “I’ll add it to the design specs.”

Tugging him close, you gave him just one more kiss and then eased back. “Come eat dinner, please. It’s probably mostly cold by now.”

He slipped his arm around your shoulders as the two of you walked to the front of the lab. “What’d you bring?”

“Burgers.” And fries, of course.

“Have I expressed to you yet how perfect you are?”

Picking up the boxes, you let him lead you further out of the lab and up the steps. “I’m willing to listen to it again.”

[fusion-ego]

So... 2019, huh?

((LONG post ahead!))

This year has really been something, hasn’t it? I had to quit my second job ever because of my back problems (along with other shit lol), I hardly wrote anything all year, and I started in on my Bachelor’s degree. I moved 1600 miles cross-country to Arizona and I’ve been down here for six months now! I had to leave my Markiplier Nudes Calendar™ back in Illinois because I forgot to take it off my wall before I left and it probably got thrown away by the landlord :c, I let my parents borrow a credit card for the move down here and went into debt as a result of almost single-handedly financing the move, had several breakdowns, and despite my best attempts I haven’t been able to get a job yet, but I’m still trying!

A lot of things happened this year.

I turned 20.

I started liking myself again after years of literally hating myself and that quickly advanced to me loving myself again. Turns out I’m pretty cool, even if I am annoying as fuck.

Turns out that having primarily depressive episodes and not having the motivation or desire to take care of myself doesn’t make me any less of a person. It doesn’t make my struggles invalid just because I’m the one not taking care of myself. It turns out, taking care of yourself is fucking hard sometimes, especially if the combined symptoms of your mental and physical ailments put you in a position where everything feels like too much.

It also turns out that taking care of yourself is difficult when you’ve spent your entire life (or at least the parts where you actually had friends) putting all of the wants and needs of your friends and loved ones above your own.

Taking care of yourself is hard when you were raised to be The Strong One, who doesn’t break down and who doesn’t have any issues, thanks. The one who, sure, they haven’t showered in a week and they feel like crap because they haven’t eaten, but you don’t need to know that! You just go eat and take a shower, hun, The Strong One is okay.

It took until this year for me to learn that being The Strong One didn’t mean I couldn’t break down sometimes. It didn’t mean I couldn’t take time for myself and that I had to be available all the time for my friends. Setting boundaries has been a learning experience for me and everyone else in my friend group, I think. I think I’ve cried more this year than I have since I was a kid, and you know what that is? Growth.

And honestly, I’ve really gotta thank my lovely fiance @goreyglitches for some of that. I am petrified of crying when anyone can see or hear me. I was raised to be The Strong One and The Strong One doesn’t cry. I conditioned myself to not be a “crybaby” and to never, ever, ever cry. And I know that’s bad - repressing negative emotions just makes it worse in the long-run. I figured that out with anger and tried to fix it long before I tried to fix the crying issue, and this year? This year Tobi’s helped a lot. I trust him, and I feel safe with him, so when he shuts the door and pulls the covers over us and holds me and tells me it’s okay to cry, I cry. And I am so grateful to him for that I don’t think I even have words.

And @ashencreations has been a wonderful friend this year, as always, even if both of us have been having issues this year. They’ve, I think, been one of the people I vented to the absolute most and they’ve been a real peach about it and even if I don’t have a whole lot of energy to talk sometimes (most of the time) they still love me and are accommodating of my issues. That’s pretty cool! I know a lot of people who can’t talk to people they’ve dated in the past and I have to admit I wouldn’t have been surprised if we fell out this year, but here we are - finishing another year as best friends. They let me have my space and they check in to make sure I’ve eaten and slept and showered. And I try to do the same but my check-ins have been a little lackluster this year while I find my boundaries so oops for that. I’ll try harder next year!

And really, I have to thank everyone who’s stuck with me through this year. My friends and my followers and even just folks who know me because I’m mutuals with someone they’re friends with - all of you. I know this year has sucked and I’ve been really annoying and I’m constantly asking for money, so thank you for sticking around. I’m trying to get back into the old swing of things and I’ve put in about a billion applications and I’m in University, can you believe that? You guys being patient even when I’m annoying has been really helpful. This is especially true of the folks in Lexi’s server who have to see me venting all the time. Y’all are darlings and I’m sorry I keep dragging my shit in there lmao I’ll try not to so much next year.

I’m especially thankful, though, I think, of the people who are still with me after so many years of knowing me. Like Ran and Ness and Zare and Comedy and even Em, even if we don’t talk. I mean, Em probably the most - she knew me when I was such a shithead that it’s kinda laughable now and yet she’s willing to be mutuals with me now. That’s pretty funny. (Hey, Em, guess who’s still trying to figure out how to write that TMNT thing and make it as interesting as the original idea was?) And of course I’ve known Comedy since elementary school but we didn’t really get close until high school and then I dropped off the face of the earth for like a year lol but she’s been a peach the whole time I’ve known her. And Ran’s been around for a while, we’ve known each other long enough that he probably still remembers when I went by Al. And Ness, who doesn’t have tumblr to my knowledge, well I’ve known her since diapers and she’s going to be the Maid of Honor at mine and Tobi’s wedding when we have the money to do a real ceremony - I would have filled that place at her wedding, too, if her sister-in-law wasn’t a needy bitch who had to have that position or she’d pitch a fit and ruin the entire wedding. And like, don’t even get me started on Zare, who was there when I was the worst shithead I’ve ever been and somehow still likes me even all these years later. I introduced myself to this man as Prussia, y’all. I introduced myself to him as a fallen kingdom because it was easier to pronounce than my legal name.

(It may have also been because I was into Hetalia and projected onto the character really hard because of all the “I’m awesome!” and thought it would help me be more confident, and also perhaps because my legal name being mispronounced led to a lot of people knowing me as a different fallen kingdom so it was a haha funny joak to me)

Also, this year, a certain vine-man turned youtube-man made a video that really, really spoke to me. Thomas introducing Remus and having an entire episode about intrusive thoughts and ‘bad’ creativity was - it meant a lot to me. Because since 2018, when I started writing Ego stuff, I haven’t... Well, I used to write a lot of dark stuff, y’all. I wrote violent shit because I wanted to and it was kinda just my Thing™. But after I started writing Ego stuff I started feeling like that was problematic, like it was a bad thing that I wanted to write nasty stuff like that. No one did anything to make me think that! It was just that, well, that kind of violence just... Seemed out of place. I’ve been in the process of writing a 146K+ word, 43 chapter fic containing ritualistic cannibalism, murder, unsafe sex, and various other nasty things since 2017 and I spent a terrifying amount of time feeling... Bad for that last year and this year. I’ve had to re-learn that it’s okay to write nasty stuff (no matter the moral issues other people take with it) because exploring not-so-great things in fic, especially to cope, is one of the many points of writing fic. And I’ll be honest, my dumpster fire fic was something I was writing to get through my associate’s degree because it was a new and terrifying experience and the prominent theme of running away was a feeling I was dealing with in tandem at the time. Remus’ introduction reminded me that dealing with intrusive thoughts and exploring the ‘bad’ creativity doesn’t make me a bad person, it just means I have nasty ideas and even the best people can have those. At least I can turn them into something I’m proud of writing.

So, going forward, I’m not going to shy away from writing my nasty stuff, and in 2020 I’m going to try and finish Trial and Error. I haven’t updated it since August, 2018, guys, it needs a new chapter.

And on that note, I don’t usually make New Years’ Resolutions. I never saw the point in the past and it wasn’t something super encouraged by anyone around me, so it never seemed important. But I’m making a resolution this year.

Over the years and years of writing, I’ve encountered something I think every writer encounters - I stopped writing. Now, I’m not saying I don’t write. Obviously I do, and have been, for a long time. I’m saying I don’t write like I used to. In 2013/2014 I wrote a 36-chapter Sly Cooper fic featuring an OC that still gets hits to this day, and I wrote it over the course of three months. I started it in November 2013 and it was done and put aside by the third of January 2014. It’s still one of my favorites! But the chapters are short, the storyline needs work, I didn’t spellcheck anything or even remotely try to keep my timeline completely straight. It was the first multi-chapter story exceeding 10 chapters that I ever finished. I wrote a chapter a day, as long as I was capable of doing so, I posted it, and I never looked back. It’s not a great story, but it’s one of my favorites. I loved it then and I love it now. And that’s something I don’t do anymore! When a fic doesn’t live up to my expectations, I don’t love it like I love that old fic, which did not at all live up to my expectations. My perfectionism has developed over the years and it has killed my creativity. I can still make cool stuff, can still make things I like, but it’s not the same anymore.

So my resolution is, in 2020, I’m going to write.

I’m going to write like I used to, but I’m going to put all of my experience into it.

I started writing in 2008 or 2009, maybe even before that - if I can recapture the love I had for it then, then I will be in great shape. I didn’t spellcheck back then and frankly I kinda sucked at writing even in 2013/2014, but if I can love writing like I did then and put all of what I’ve learned into it? Holy shit. I mean, I’ve been rewriting that old Sly Cooper fic for the past couple weeks, so it’s not exactly a mystery how much better things will turn out if I pour my much better spelling and grammar, my better ideas, my better commitment, into my fics going forward. All I need to make them great is to love doing it.

So in 2020, I’m going to write.

2019 has been a wild ride, and I’ve written less than half of what I wrote in 2018, not even counting all of my Ego requests for either year. I’ve spent the last three days in a mad dash to reach 100K written this year on AO3 by writing 30K before midnight tonight. I have 5K left! But even breaching 100K I won’t be halfway there. In 2018 I wrote 225.6K on AO3, not counting Ego stuff. And I think that’s because I haven’t loved doing it like I used to - the fact that I’ve loved the fic I started in order to make my “30K by tonight” goal and I haven’t let myself have enough time to agonize over whether it’s “good” or not has a lot of effect on how much I’ve written. My wordcount per hour has, like, doubled because I actually wanted to work. So I’ll reach my goal by tonight and still have time to celebrate at midnight.

So, again, thank you to everyone who’s stuck with me through this crazy year. Things haven’t been great, I’ll be honest, but I’m hoping next year will be better. They’re already off to a good start - my dad and I have a plan for him to start paying me back for how much money we spent moving here, and if I can get a job it’ll only get easier and it’ll only get better. And on top of that me and Tobi have plans to legalize our Marriage™ in September. It won’t be anything big - we’re waiting to have a real ceremony until we have the money to make sure Zare and Ness and Ran can come. But if all goes well, on 9/20/20 we’ll have the legal shit sorted out and Tobi will officially be my husband so that’s just another thing to be looking forward to.

Happy New Year, y’all! Hope you all have a good one. I speak a good 2020 into existence and I won’t stop until I get it.

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Croatia to Eurovision with a confused angel lad and his lowkey over-enthusiastic mentor

Yeah, well, I definitely have hoped for this nation to finally finally bring back Dora as their national selection, as I myself have never really felt their internal entries since they abandoned it (well maybe except Nina from 2012 but even then by now I grew out of it softly). Not even Nina from 2016 which was tipped as a huge fan fave (though I’m so sorry for it getting completely lambasted in Eurovision, especially because of the poor clothing choice and Nina’s warbly notes here and there).

And they did! After like what, 7 solid years??? After the last Dora ending out with a disastrous end result and spawned a person to (more) stardom who even qualified a couple years back and this year he’s there to be a songwriter for his home country because of the Eurovision 2019 slogan inspiring him???? Well... yeah that happened. With having fought 15 other participants made up of familiar faces, up and coming starlets, the already legendary divas or just some people, he won as a songwriter for this next target of my review - the target that is aptly titled “The Dream” and is performed by a 19 year old up-and-coming pop star, Roko Blažević. Yep, Jacques Houdek won a NF but not with himself singing. Man did his magic game get stronger over the years since Dora 2011.

And interestingly enough, Jacques’s wizardry comes in with him being capable of selling chanceless music as something worth buying into. How can that happen???

Well, to be frank with you all, this song is not that bad, unlike everyone thinks it is. It feels like a low-rent musical ballad, sure, but it's not terribly composed or anything... well, I know I usually hate on those songs that like using mostly not the "verse - chorus - verse - chorus - bridge - chorus", but there are plenty of songs that mess with that structure that usually just omit the last two components (radio pop music) or don’t even need one, and they sound great. Here we have the omission of the last two components that more reminds me of “Grande amore” (I am not saying they’re comparable but still), as in, slow ballad in the F minor (”The Dream” even slaps a keychange on) that tries to sound majestic/dramatic, not very much so to be intense, just something theatrical I s’pose. And has a little too little time for another full verse so they just go to a bridge (and "Grande amore" had two long pre-choruses too?!?). I don’t hate this one, if I had to make a 2019 ranking this instant I’d put this in Top 30 somehow.

So what is there to be found that puts people off? They cannot be hating on Roko’s voice, which is really great for a young man like him. (In fact, God forbid I say one bad word about him, because some specific one on Twitter will have a beatdown with me because I dissed her hubby... so I’ll keep my mouth shut about any qualities of his :X) I guess it consists of several factors: 1) the song sounds dated; 2) the lyrics, especially in that chorus (I DREAM OF LOOOOOOVE, YOU DREAM OF LOOOOOOVE~ lol I actually dream of hatred, hatred will prevail >:) ); 3) the vocal volume is loud at parts; 4) the song is English-Croatian and somehow it should be sung in Croatian just to hide away the hideous understandable lyrics. My personal caveats are: 1) the song is too plodding and it shows a lot in that chorus with Roko holding his long notes (can we get tothe point FASTER?!); 2) the chorus lacks productional depth and maybe with a slight revamp (given Jacques wouldn’t be so stubborn about it!) it could have sounded the right amount of dramatic. If anything, I am GRATEFUL that it sounds more palatable than "My Friend", as THAT one was a joyful of cringey clichés tbh. The cheese became rotten and smelly and the sudden violin lead-in into the bridge still creeps me out. Goddamn it Jaq.

Not to mention Mr. Houdek is soooooo optimistic about his song, he finds everything in it perfect enough to not change it! Not the melody, not the language decisions, not the wings (did I tell you Roko wore wings on his NF performance??) - no! Did someone not tell him that Eurovision is rapidly evolving and his fantasies of coming top 3 with this song just better stay fantasies? Oh wait, it's the same man who once sang "dare to dream and make it real", of course he's stuck to his guns like super glue. Can't blame him, there were worse songs in top 3 over the years. Still though, the wings is a stupid idea. There should be something else involved if Jacques wants a performance to be memorable. Roko can't just stand there and only do what he's told to do by his guardian songwriter - granted he has to behave but still...

In the end, how would I summarize this tl;dr? I am one of a handful of folks who find this alright. There's a bigger minority who outright adores the song but I'm just there that likes this and nothing much more, honestly. Everything's just alright. Guess I'm sometimes soft enough to accept cheese, huh. But seriously, the mentoring behind the scenes... it's creepy to say the least. I'm happy Roko's having a helluva good time at least.

Approval factor: Oh I don't know with this one, statistically we can just go ahead and... try approving this? I’m not a huge fan of Croatian entries this decade, at least Slovenia redeemed themselves in my eyes last minute with “Sebi”, while even in my Croatian faves (they mostly are “Nebo” and “Crazy”, and I maaaaaybe like “Lighthouse” a bit too actually?) I see some negative qualities that completely overwhelm my liking for them. But since I legally find “The Dream” okay, I give this one a bit of a pass.

Follow-up factor: Sadly this kind of choice feels to me as a steady divedown in overall quality of what Croatia usually offers us. Well the decline was always on since “My Friend” followed up “Lighthouse” I suppose, or it's just so happens that Croatia sent the duds on this decade only in odd years ("Celebrate" was fun but tragic trash, "Mižerja" was pleasant I guess but everything here was miserable from the beginning and everyone still doesn’t get why “My Friend” qualified and “Crazy” didn’t). I like it though.

Qualification factor: I’d like to believe that this one can borderline sneak the fuck in to the finals for no reason other than Jacques knowing how to work things in his favour. Yes, I’m not writing this off completely. Although I still see some parts where this wouldn’t work out, it’s actually not 100% doomed... if anything, I at least don’t see it coming last in semi easily! It’s not as LAME as Iceland last year was. And it too was a basic love-peace-dreams message inserted into an older-timey-sounding singalong ballad and was given for a young singer that has a helluva lot of potential later ASIDE Eurovision. That is if they don't pretend Eurovision "ruined [their] careers, njeh!", of course. At least Roko can SANG live and maybe it will happen again that a singer's voice will make this surprisngly qualify over the song? We'll see. For now Jacques should just stay focused on how to make Roko's angel wings (sigh...) more memorable on stage in case the voice is not qualifying but the gimmicks are.

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

EMA 2019 at least had positive surprises all over for a NF this non-cared-about-by-me. Dora just... did not. Really. This NF did not interest me all that much song-quality-wise, and it even had SIX MORE SONGS than EMA!!! Crazy, huh?? But it’s okay, I can talk about the show to you if you want me to:

• From the Dora participants list announcement I was mostly excited to hear like two entries, and I'll mention both of them right away separately. And it's by two artists I've heard of before a lot! Though this first one kind of made me feel like I've been somewhat betrayed... enter Luka Nižetić who has got a nice vast catalogue of songs now - soft song(s), upbeat summer songs, and so on. And I kinda liked some of those songs of his I heard (if you're looking for recommendations, give "Vječno" a listen!), but “Brutalero”, his actual Dora 2019 entry was... on a whole different level. Dude, when was ripping off “Mi gente” ever useful?? It’s the year people were chasing after “Fuego” as the Latinesque bop to copy, not this! I hate it when people rehash annoying (but catchy) songs, and it’s certainly worse when they do it as their Eurovision NF entry. Brutal. And I actually remember hyping him before hearing the song, which is a bigger facepalm-worthy moment of mine. When will I ever learn?! ;( Thank God for the juries who served this song right. IDC if the revamp version of this made it any better, I’ll be fuming over this not being an inspired song. Oh and the comic book cartoon style made this brutally laughable to me, I said what I said. It might have entertained some kids though. So to summarise, Luka’s capable of having bops out, but “Brutalero” ain’t it, sis.

• Well guess what - Friendship ended with LUKA, Now MANNTRA is my best friend! Hell yeah lol. Did I tell you I like rock music so much? So I really foresaw kind of liking Manntra's song “In the Shadows” and rooting for them based on me knowing their name (just like Luka but oop), and in fact I really did root for them in the end! I wish I supported them more than Luka instead. They’re bangin’. They’re blazin’. They’re pure awesomeness. Their costumes. THAT BREAKDOWN. Magic. Should’ve won, and if them winning were any forbidden because Croatia is just refusing to accept stuff I’d stan for, at least come second. Screw Luka, screw Lorena. Bring the rock music back. ^^

• oh yeah and the others I guess. Well, if I had to recommend a few entries, here goes: if you’re nostalgic for old-timey early 2000′s bops (in the style of “Everyway That I Can”), you go and listen to the aforementioned Lorena Bućan‘s entry, “Tower of Babylon”. If you dreamed of one of the Femminem singers becoming a 60s retro artiste (actually you did not, that sounds very utter random), go check her project’s (Gelato Sisters) entry, “Back to That Swing”. If you’re here for THE QUEEN DOMENICA, go ahead, check out “Indigo”, the ultimate shopping mall background music anthem. My actual other favourite together with Manntra was Beta Sudar though, as “Don’t Give Up” as some really nice pop I guess. You see what I mean when I said that Dora this year did not interest me all that much song-quality-wise? Well ofc some songs were nice but that's all and too much 'just niceness' is slowly breaking me honestly. I would have gladly cancelled the NF and put Manntra through internally instead. Epic boys deserve an epic platform to showcase themselves, I don’t make the rules here.

Thankfully that's that out of the way, now I'm just going to wish this sweet little angel man all the best in Tel Aviv and not to be too upset if he flops. I know Jacques would be upset, but for that he shouldn't put Roko through a similar mind process also...

[queuepeaceandcandy]

Take Down That

I wrote most of this post up for private consumption, but given the recent news about: http://blog.archive.org/2019/04/10/official-eu-agencies-falsely-report-more-than-550-archive-org-urls-as-terrorist-content/ it spurred me to make it more public.

So reposting with some minor edits, plus one large additional note, to my zen blog to try and find some zen by venting. I’m just so very tired of the world right now. 

So firstly I just want to say I like the Internet Archive a lot. I find it very soothing for the "is my memory faulty or is this person saying something that is untrue"  - http://web.archive.org/ 

So when they do their fundraiser I generally donate to it these days as I have the cash flow to support it, and it’s helped me out significantly over the years, even when I didn’t have the cash flow. So here is a cup to The Web Archive, who’s helped protect many sanity for many years, and I hope will continue for many years to come. They accept donations year round here: https://archive.org/donate/

This is a correction to a bit of misinformation that I’ve seen lately that’s annoying me, even though some of the posts that talk about it are quite nice. Disclaimer: while I was in fandom at the time, I was not involved in OTW and in fact at the time all of this happened I was a bit skeptical of it’s chances of long term success - I’m glad to have been proven wrong. I do volunteer for OTW now but not for either of their Policies or Legal teams. Ao3/OTW is also not affiliated as far as I’m aware to Internet Archive in any way.

OTW was not started because of https://fanlore.org/wiki/Strikethrough_and_Boldthrough where a lot of stuff was being deleted from LJ, especially if it was LGBT content, including things that should have been fine according to their terms of service. Much like Tumblr insisting on banning the truth emerges from her well, even though technically it should be find if you took the CEO's letter seriously about classic art being fine.

OTW was started because of https://fanlore.org/wiki/FanLib - this pre-dates strike through. You can see this in the very initial post where they were talking about OTW here: https://fanlore.org/wiki/An_Archive_Of_One%27s_Own_(post_by_astolat)

Think of it as like Pillowfort - Pillowfort was not created because of the https://fanlore.org/wiki/Tumblr_NSFW_Content_Purge, it predated it significantly, but it got a lot of support because of said tumblrpocalpse, since people had a specific need that they were concerned about, which meant that an alternative being available was super useful!

Who was fanlib? Fanlore article here, https://fanlore.org/wiki/FanLib but to summarise... Fanlib was a couple of dudes who wanted to basically incorporate fandom for purposes of making money.

A lot of people at the time, were extremely concerned that this was going to get fandom sued out of existence, and increase the likelihood of militant take down notices. There was also the concern that by submitting work there, you lost any future rights to it - because that’s what the TOS effectively said.

If you wonder if that seems a bit extreme, yeah well, here is a news article from May 1, 1989, about disney suing a, day care center, for putting up some art of disney characters on the walls of the center. https://www.apnews.com/4d98c8dee1c72fa5ac42ce01dff143fd

Like, this is effectively fanart done on the walls. The way it's described - it's not in advertising, not sold directly, just to help make the place brighter and more friendly.

I always remember this example because it's one that tends to get people outraged, but I really want to emphasis that it wasn’t a once off situation, this used to be extremely common that people would link or gossip to me about these kinds of things.

That’s still an issue, by the way. Now days it's less about "fandom" stuff - but take down notices for "criticism" which are protected by fair use*, the same thing that OTW claims helps enable fandom, are still not that uncommon here’s one that’s quite recent with some of the publicity that it’s gotten: https://torrentfreak.com/vox-targets-the-verge-critic-with-dubious-youtube-takedown-190215/

In fact in some countries, criticism technically has more protection via fair use equivilents than fandom does.

This is Anne Rice: https://fanlore.org/wiki/Anne_Rice

I have nothing to say about Anne Rice that has not already been said. She’s not an isolated case.

In general I’ve found if people want to take down one thing - they won’t stop at one, they won’t draw boundaries, they won’t use judgement, because they don’t care - they’ll try to take down everything they can. It’s become an emotional issue in some cases, or a financial one. Neither provide incentive for trying to be diplomatic or fair.

Effectively if people don’t like you, they will try to find a way to make your voice go away and turn take down notices into a bully tactic even if everything you do is fine, and technically could help benefit them. There’s no incentive to not be a dick, if you want to be a dick, other than bad publicity, and the people who want to try really hard to get everything taken down will find the one thing that could be considered “acceptable to remove” to try and push the other stuff off the internet table.

If you can’t get it by hook, then you can get it by crook and they will add as much grease to the slippery slope as they can if they think it will benefit themselves. 

New Note: This is why the Internet Archive being threatened on being blocked in France really concerns me, because it helps provide a lot of information and history. I know that they do respond to take down notices, but the fact that Gutenberg project is being asked to be removed in it’s entirety, and the push with the recent EU Single Market Directive makes me concerned that this is not about legitimate concerns such as terrorism, and more using buzzwords to help push copyright boundaries, even on things where that has lapsed.

Basically given the very short time frame - only one hour from receiving the notice to successfully removing the content, with the ruling their trying to implement, is basically setting it up so only one thing can be implemented to resolve - upload filters, of which, Tumblr is an excellent example of why I am extremely skeptical, given that it’s also definitely targeting platonic LGBT content at times. Also, given the stretch of what their demanding - seriously, commentary on the Quran is now considered a terrorism item.

This just in, Muslims are not allowed to talk about their religion in any way shape or form - because all of this is supposed to be taken down: https://archive.org/details/002Baqarah_201712

First comes that beautiful Surah, 15. Each chapter or portion of the Quran is called a Surah, which means a Degree Or Step, by which we mount up. Sometimes whole Surahs were revealed, and sometimes portions, which were arranged under the Prophet's directions.

That means that a lot of information is going to become harder and more expensive to find, and we’ve seen historically used to limit information the public has to make decisions. https://www.freetibet.org/news-media/na/blog-great-firewall-china 

You can decide where your judgement falls on that.

I don’t really want to go into the if’s that’s about censorship which is usually why people yell about OTW and make reference to Strikethrough in the tweet/post. People generally make a choice about where they fall on it. I think that some websites may choose to be more restrictive, and some sites may choose to be less and that’s fine. I think that there should be multiple websites out there to met different peoples needs. In fact I really want there to be multiple websites - I think that makes for a much healthier fandom environment.

 … I just also think it really sucks when 30,000+ sailor moon fanfics get deleted with no warning (that’s the 2012 one): https://fanlore.org/wiki/FanFiction.Net%27s_NC-17_Purges:_2002_and_2012 It also sucks when people try to make themselves an online home and are forced to move on - even when they were responsible for helping to make a product a success to begin with.

This is Ao3’s terms of service: https://archiveofourown.org/tos 

If you actually read it, Archive of our own doesn’t host things that illegal in the US. That means if it’s legally defined as something that is illegal, it’s not allowed on the archive. There are also many things which the archive is willing to host, but  has decided need to be marked in some way to stop people from clicking it accidentally.

Additionally some of the things that the archive may be illegal in other countries. For example, all same sex stories that are told in a way that is promotes “homonormativity — content presenting homosexuality as being a norm in society”  are illegal in some countries.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_gay_propaganda_law 

I think that the latter is profoundly wrong, and if you think that the Russian law I linked to is an ideal then I don’t even know why you got to this point in my post. There’s literally nothing we have to talk about. Plus! Russia is not the only country that has these kinds of laws! It’s just one of the physically largest ones. 

Also in my experience, in general, even if the censorship applies to all kinds of relationships “fairly” in theory, in practice it’s often unfairly applied.

It can be used to bully women: : https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/global-opinions/wp/2018/03/01/xi-jinpings-authoritarian-rise-in-china-has-been-powered-by-sexism/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.a4174f02a74c 

And it will far more often be applied to minorities than the majority: https://www.advocate.com/commentary/2018/12/11/straight-male-gaze-rules-sanitized-social-media 

Just.

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2019/jan/18/stonewall-defends-vital-lgbt-childrens-books-after-spate-of-ban-attempts

So if you’re someone who is very tired of having censorship applied unfairly to you, you’ll often when you make a new service wonder, “how can I fairly police this” and you’ll draw up some lines.

Because Ao3 is not actually interested in hosting everything - they’re specifically a non-commercial archive for fandom. Things that fall outside of that aren’t allowed to be hosted there and can/will be taken down. Ao3 decided one of it’s lines would be “is this legal in the US?” 

This is to try and remove as much judgement as possible, attempt to be consistent with rulings. Not the boss says this, but the minion says that. Not, the user is reporting this, but the person they’re complaining about is the founders best friend so we’re going to give them an exemption. It’s also trying to minimise the debate points. For example a length debate I’ve seen online: where “holding hands” now has to be debated over whether it’s shippy (and thus banned) or just “cute” (and thus allowed).

My example is not an exaggeration. That’s an actual argument I’ve seen in the wild, where I genuinely believed that parties implementing an adblocker to image block stuff probably would have been a lot better off mentally; rather trying to fine tune the argument with a rules lawyer who was very dedicated to the cause of annoying a particular individual and/or community. (It’s also why some maid costume outfits are banned on reddit! Like, here is an example of a banned image which I personally think is quite a bit of a stretch: https://i.imgur.com/GBxopor.jpg )

So if you’re wondering what I'm getting at… When I say that it’s not inspired by Strikethrough and instead by fanlib and then spend a lot of time talking about cases where censorship has been abused. 

Yes censorship is important to many people in the OTW. But it’s not “some works being deleted” that inspired it.

It’s being tired of the threat of having all fan works being deleted.

[sevenpeaches]

50 Questions Tag

Tagged by @jinyoungmoans and @riceeater22~

1. What takes too much of your time?

Getting distracted and procrastination

2. What makes your day better?

My pets, talking with you all, ahgases and Got7 (I will gush about Got7 a lot throughout this probably -- so look away now!)

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today?

A movie date with my sister, we haven’t had one in a long time~ and then coming home to catch the new He is Psychometric episode with @riceeater22

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

Do I get to live there or just visit? Naruto-verse would be cool, and Pokemon

5. Are you good at giving advice?

I’ve been told I am

6. Do you have any mental illness?

Unfortunately

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Yes, it’s not all that fun. 0/10 would not recommend

8. What musician inspired you the most?

Honestly? Got7. They’ve inspired me to be myself, love myself, and be the best version of myself I can be.

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

So I thought.

10. What’s your dream date?

Hmm.. something really cute. Maybe grab a coffee and then go for a walk and chat while we sip. An amusement park date where we can do cheesy things and ‘scary’ things, see all kinds of sides to each other. I think that would be fun. Take silly pictures in a photo-booth. That sort of stuff

11. What do others notice about you?

My ti-- nah not going there. Appearance-wise, my smile or (this sounds weird but I’ve gotten random compliments) my eye shape? Personality-wise, my sass or brains

12. What is an annoying habit you have?

Trying to keep everyone happy, at my own expense. Self-deprecation. Oh, or -- I’ve mastered the “my tone is so flat you can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or not” thing from my dad. That paired with my resting bitch face leads to many misunderstandings...

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

Not like we used to.

14. How many ex’s do you have?

Uh, technically...7? officially at least. I only really count 5 of them though

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

Afskhadfjgglsdj idk how to answer this because I use Spotify and have everything in separate playlists... maybe around 2,000?

16. What instruments can you play?

Hah. I wish... None... piano a little.

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

Is it embarrassing to say probably Jaebum.

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

To quote Got7 -- “All Around the World”

19. What is your zodiac?

Pisces.

20. Do you relate to it?

Hmm yeah I’d say so

21. What is happiness to you?

That moment when you wake up from a good dream and none of the world’s realities have set in yet, when it’s just you and the warmth from both your bed and your dreams. When you’re at a concert and you’re immersed in the moment, feeling one with the crowd and the band/group, and you never want the moment to end. When you’re with friends, and you’re all laughing so hard that you can’t speak. When, at the end of the day, you can smile to yourself, because you know that you’re loved and that you’re doing the best you can.

22. Are you going through anything right now?

Am I ever not? I’m fairly certain we’re all going through it

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

Lying to someone I cared about.

24. What’s your favourite store?

I don’t think I have a favorite... Rue 21 has cute clothes? Let me pretend the internet counts as one store so that I can say the world wide web

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

Pro-choice. I don’t really want to get into it here, but I have an arsenal of reasons (rape pregnancies, for some women -- it’s a matter of life or death for them, early on -- when it’s hardly a soul yet, overpopulation and the fact that everyone seems to care about a fetus -- but they all stop caring once it’s born and they didn’t listen to the fact that the parent cannot take care of it and there are so many children in the foster system). I wrote a whole paper on the appalling fact that some people were trying to legalize “4th term abortions”?? Like, that means the baby is born and it’s infant homicide?? The amount of stupidity in this world....

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

No, I’ve thought about it though

27. Do you have a favourite album?

Verse 2 and 7 for 7

28. What do you want for your birthday?

Uhm... I’ll enjoy anything Got7 related. Or a vacation anywhere, but that’s asking for too much

29. What are most people’s first impression of you?

That I’m intimidating, or that I think I’m better than them -- neither of which are true

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

People used to always think I was older than I was, but now it seems everyone thinks I’m under 21

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

On my nightstand

32. What word do you say the most?

Good question. I’ll ask my family.

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

Ah, maybe 7 years most?

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

Eh... maybe 3 years max? I’m usually attracted to those older than me, but who knows what may happen.

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

My family always thought I’d become a lawyer because of my ability to argue/defend well.That and a surgeon. Whew, aiming high hm?

36. What’s your favourite music genre?

K-Pop~

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

I’d like to answer that after knowing how it would be to live in each country I’m curious about..

38. What is your current favourite song?

Currently... Touch by Jus2 (that one long, haunting note by Jaebum near the end please)

39. How long have you had this blog for?

This one? Just since last October~ My first blog on Tumblr is from ... 2009? But I rarely use that anymore.

40. What are you excited for?

Warmer weather. Seeing Got7 members happy and well. New episodes of shows. Talking with friends. Finding my place in life.

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

Listener. I’m a great talker when I want to be, but I am without a doubt, a person who will listen to you.

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

Volunteer work, grocery shopping for the family, cleaning?

43. What do you want for Christmas?

Got7 stuff, a trip to new places.

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

All of them. I would say just kidding but I’m a grade A student (except organic chem).

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

4 earlier, about a 7 now

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?  

Probably working hard...my own house.. a cat or two, maybe a person in my life. HOW SHOULD I KNOW. I’d like to be traveling

47. When did you first get your heartbreak?

2010

48. At what age do you want to get married?

Legit do not care... If I meet someone I want to marry, then it’ll be when the time is right

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

Detective or explorer

50. What do you crave right now?

Uhm, tbh... touch and snuggles. And inspiration to write please

Whew that was a lot! I shall tag @maddiekira @cheap-pack-of-cigarettes and @madeitwang

[snenby-with-two-daggers]

don’t reblog

I need to vent something here. For clarification, I’m nonbinary. I was told by several people who doesn’t know each other and see how our souls looks like that I am a boy with heart of girl. And I’m in female body. It is extremelly harmful to me, because even since my puberty started, i hated that my starting boobs are making me noticeable as girl. Or, more like were pointing out that there is difference between me and boys, because that meant different treatment. by adults, by others, by everyone. I was letting my hair grow because I didn’t care, not because i would want to look feminine. I used to do my eyeliner at the very mature age of 12, because it was expected from me. I was wearing bras which hurted me, bacause I was never told about proper sizing with them, because all of not-a-sport-bra were and still are too large for me, I have like 1/2 A cups. Bralettes were not a thing back then, at least not where I live. Unisex clothing? Nope. Extra fitting for girls and if you want something not so fit, you have to pick up boys’ ones and be judged for it. I wore clothes which no longer fit my younger brother, because he was kinda overweight and I’m short, that was only way how could i get something not so fit. It was wide on me, because we were not at all similar size. Still better than everything else.  I don’t really hate my chest-stuff, but I just feel it doesn’t belong here, kinda? Like okay, you are here, but I would be happier if you weren’t. What makes me disphoric about them is sexism in society and being perceived as a woman even if that sexism wasn’t here. Every time some family member says I “have to look more feminine, wear woman clothing, make those boobs and hips be visible”, I try to find out if something changed since the last time I was looking about getting rid of boobs with plastic surgery without doctors note. It still isn’t. They won’t do it. I was always told that I act like a boy, that no boy would like me like that, that I look too masculine. Now they are telling me that “you’re not a boy” like a statement, fact, nobody discussed it with me, nobody ever asked. The only times I tried (and failed) to behave like a girl was when I was dating some guy and they were both more or less putting me being girly as a condition to them giving me my serotonin from positive interaction and giving me any attention. To be fair, the first one matured and is somehow aware he was being a dick back there. THe other one tried to force me to let my hair grow, bleach it to blond, get surgery to have my boobs bigger. And he was a in general absuve rapist and fetishist who forces others into his ways withou ounce of respect for anyone who he can’t profit off. Hell, I even started to date guys because the first one gave my bullied self first positive communication from guy in years, and my emotinally abused brain probably took it as love. I may have been in love with him, but I really don’t know. THe other one was supposed to be aid for heartbreak over the first one, but it turned out very very bad. Also I am ace, so I didn’T think i could date girl because i didn’t feel sexual attraction to them. I didn’t to guys too, but I didn’t connected it. The think is, I more or less fall into the stereotype of lesbian. Emotionally. It’s just I am not a woman. It more or less explains that my heart is of a girl. But my body is not. I don’t really to crave to look as a man. If so, more like feminine man or man who uses some make up. But I feel euphoric when people can’t tell what I am. WHen they are confused. I want to start testosterone. Possibly get my tits taken off. Not whole surgery, not getting my ovaries removed (which is requered here by law sor legal sex-change) (this is more for a reason that I don’t believe this society won’t make postapo real and I want at least something to produce some hormones which are needed for adult body to work). I... don’t even want sex change to man, I just want people to stop seeing me as a woman. ANd reffering to me like that. But language in this country is extremelly gendered. You have to refer to yourself in a past tense with gendered verb. Or use “we” and plural as pronoun, but it is archaic and traditionally used for monarchs. My gay and transphobic roommate intentionally misgenders me in english. WHat is worst, he for some time used they/them pronouns for me in english, he just stopped with it. He tries to explain to me why I’m not ace, just traumatised. That I’m not nonbinary, just annoyed by sexistic society. That he knows me better than I do myself and when I call him out on this and manipulating me, he acts like I spit to his face. (Which would be satisfying, not gonna lie). That guy which I considered friend turned out, after we moved together, very similar to my abusive rapist ex, only he doesn’t do anything physical to me, thanks gods. But he is sure that if I don’t want to talk about sex and discuss his sex life in details, it’s sign of my imaturity. My aggresive nature and will to physically fight is sign of my imaturity. No you shithead, it’s me being misgendered, invalidated, forced to perform as gender i am not, mentally abused for most of my live. And you are part of the problem.  I have no idea how to come out to at least part of my family about being trans, because nonbinary is entirely foreign term here. Our media purposefuly make any celebrity coming out as nonbinary to look like some crazy madmans making stuff up and trying to force it onto whole society to be like them. They don’T even use term nonbinary. As far as I’m aware there is only one doctor in this country who tries to help nonbinary people with hormones or surgeries, but even them are saying that it is very dangerous to not to pass as man or woman or being gender nonconforming and that this society will acknowledge it at best in 20 years, respecting it even longer than that. It hurts me that my grandparents and probably parents have to die out for me to live as myself without being disrespected every time I meet them. I love them, but I know that there is no way how they would understand. THey won’t just deal with it. My grandparents still refure to acknowledge that I have girlfriend for more than 2 years now and they are still asking about my exboyfriends. I can’t tell them about what my ex did to me. When I mention that he got banned from some anime conventions for sexual harrasment, they don’t get why people mind when someone is touching them without their consent.

[circlique]

Blood and Wine (USNK)

I’m not sure what you meant by this, but I was planning to write this anyway.

Happy Halloween!

Author: circlique (me) on AO3/FF.net Character(s): America/North Korea (vampire/human AU) Rating: T (minor language and suggestive themes) Word Count: 3167 Chapter Warnings: Underage drinking (they’re 18 and 19), blood, possibly consenting under the influence of alcohol? Fic Summary: Sang Kyu has just moved to the east coast from California, leaving behind everything familiar to him. On a cold, October night, he meets his new neighbor--a charming, but mysterious young man who works the night shift at a bar downtown.

Please also support this work by leaving a kudos or comment on ao3!

The house creaked as a gust of wind swept down the dark, New England street.

Sang Kyu was now far outside his comfort zone. The air outside had grown cold and sharp. Dry, crinkled leaves pattered against the dusty windows. Some of the trees were already bare, standing tall and twisted like blackened skeletons against the pale, clouded sky. Night was falling—far earlier than he was used to—and the house, which he had not yet been able to set up for electricity with the electric company, stood dark and quiet that October evening. It was all a stark contrast from his warm, sunny hometown in the outskirts of Los Angeles.

But—this was home now.

He set his bag down by the door. The moving crew had been by earlier to bring his stuff into the house. Almost all his belongings were still in the boxes he had packed them in, but at least his furniture had been placed in the proper rooms by the movers.

Kneeling next to his bag, he pulled out a box of matches and a few candles he’d bought from the store and set to work lighting and placing them in the darkest corners. He had just finished lighting the last of them when there was a knock at the door.

It seemed unusually late for someone to be knocking at his door, and Sang Kyu really wanted nothing more than to unpack a few boxes and go to bed. Couldn’t whoever was at his door have waited until morning? For a moment, he considered simply ignoring the visitor and pretending he wasn’t home. But, after a moment of hesitation, Sang Kyu went to answer, figuring any idiot could see his car parked on the street outside anyway.

Standing on his doorstep was a handsome young man about Sang Kyu’s age, with bright, golden hair and a charming smile. His eyes were a pale blue, but seemed tired, as if he’d just finished a long day of work. This theory seemed to be supported by the fact that he was dressed sharply in a white, button-down shirt, black slacks, and a bowtie.

Before Sang Kyu could even utter a hello, the stranger was sticking out his hand for a handshake and rambling out an introduction.

“Hey, I’m Alfred!” he said, shaking Sang Kyu’s hesitant hand firmly. “This house has been empty for months, but I saw your car outside and figured someone must have moved in finally, so I came to say hello.”

“Ah…yes,” Sang Kyu answered slowly, thrown off by the almost overbearing friendliness.

“Yeah, sorry I couldn’t come by earlier,” Alfred said, finally letting Sang Kyu have his hand back. “I sleep late because I work nights at this bar downtown. Have you been downtown yet? It’s that dark, old, historical one. You should—”

“No, I haven’t,” Sang Kyu interrupted, trying to sound as polite as possible despite his annoyance. “I’m sorry, it’s a bit late. Perhaps you could tell me more about the town tomorrow?”

Alfred seemed a bit surprised by his forwardness about not wanting to have this conversation right now. After a pause, he looked away sheepishly. “Y-yeah. Sorry. I forget that not everyone is a night owl like I am. I’ll let you get some rest. I should head to work anyway.”

“Thank you,” Sang Kyu muttered, a bit more disdainfully than he’d intended. Now sensing Sang Kyu’s annoyance, Alfred was shifting awkwardly in place, his former confidence seemingly swept away. He had that…look in his eyes, like a kicked puppy, and suddenly Sang Kyu felt a bit bad. Alfred was only trying to be nice, after all.

“I’ll…see you tomorrow?” Sang Kyu offered reluctantly, now hoping he hadn’t permanently ruined his relationship with his new neighbor.

The offer seemed to brighten Alfred up.

“Oh, yes!” he replied excitedly. “Maybe…I could come by earlier and help you unpack?”

“I would appreciate that.”

“Perfect. I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

Alfred turned to leave, and Sang Kyu had almost closed the door when suddenly, Alfred called back to him.

“Oh, wait! I’m so sorry!” he called from the middle of the street. “What’s your name?”

“Sang Kyu.”

“Well, nice to meet you, Sang Kyu,” Alfred said with a smile. “Welcome to the neighborhood.”

The next evening, just after sunset, there was a knock at Sang Kyu’s door. As promised, Alfred had come, and he quickly began helping Sang Kyu unpack the boxes scattered around the living room.

Sang Kyu was not really one to start or keep up a conversation, and Alfred, evidently, was not the type to tolerate silence, and so he tried to fill the void himself.

“So, where’d you move here from?” Alfred asked innocently.

“Los Angeles,” Sang Kyu answered simply as he unloaded a box of books and began to place them onto the book shelves built into the north wall.

“Oh, really? What brings you all the way out here?” Alfred pressed as he began pulling pots and pans from one of the boxes.

“School,” Sang Kyu replied. “Computer science.”

“I thought California was the place to be for that?”

“I start an internship here next month. The scholarship offers out here were better anyway. California schools have too many applicants to offer much money to in-state students.”

“Makes sense.”

Alfred continued to question him, so Sang Kyu went on. He told Alfred about how he’d come to rent this run-down house. University housing had already filled up for the fall, and with Sang Kyu’s internship starting the next month, he wouldn’t be able to wait until the spring semester. So, he’d looked into alternatives and come across this house. It was small and rickety, but the rent was cheap, and he preferred to live alone than try to find roommates to share an apartment with anyway.

Alfred asked about his family, and Sang Kyu told him about his brother, Yong Soo, who was majoring in music production at a university back in California. Sang Kyu missed him already, but in a way, he needed this. He’d spent too long living in his brother’s shadow. Yong Soo, who was bright and sociable and not unlike Alfred, made friends effortlessly and navigated social situations with ease. He had no trouble finding dates or getting invited to parties. Everyone knew Yong Soo, but few people knew reserved, distant Sang Kyu as anything but “Yong Soo’s brother.” He needed to make a name for himself, without Yong Soo.

“He thinks he’ll be famous someday,” Sang Kyu said. “Either as a musician or maybe as the producer of a viral music video.”

“But what do you want to do?” Alfred asked. “With computer science, I mean.”

“Cybersecurity, maybe,” Sang Kyu answered, placing the last of the books on the shelf. “Maybe cyber espionage.”

“That sounds badass,” Alfred said with a grin.

Alfred spoke little of his own childhood and ambitions, but did mention that he’d moved to the town from a place out in the country.

“I wanted to be where the people were,” he explained. “It was just so lonely and quiet out there. Nothing but sheep and cows.”

After a few hours of sorting through piles of clothes and kitchenware, Alfred glanced at his watch and gasped.

“Shit, I gotta be at work in twenty minutes,” he said, and stood up quickly. “We made some good progress, but you’ve still got some stuff to unpack, so I’ll come back and help tomorrow, if that’s okay?”

Sang Kyu simply nodded.

“Alright then. I’ll see you tomorrow!”

Alfred came by to help Sang Kyu get settled in every night for the next three days, even though everything had been unpacked the second time Alfred came to help. Alfred insisted on helping Sang Kyu fix the place up a bit. He still didn’t have power, and the nights were growing ever colder. The chilly air seeped in through cracks in the warped boards around the windows, so Alfred came over with a hammer and some nails and helped Sang Kyu patch up the holes.

Their conversations grew easier, and eventually evolved into good-natured banter as they worked on patching up the place. Though Sang Kyu had found Alfred annoying at first, he found he was much more tolerable after Sang Kyu had had a few nights of decent sleep. He still thought Alfred to be a touch arrogant, and so he often bit back at Alfred’s comments with snide remarks of his own. Many of their conversations devolved into debates about politics and the differences between the east and the west coast. But strangely, Sang Kyu found that their disagreements seemed to make him like Alfred even more. He really was charming, in a way, with his sarcastic sense of humor and confident but teasing jabs at Sang Kyu.

On the third night, Alfred arrived at Sang Kyu’s door with a bottle of wine and a small basket filled with cheese, bread, and a couple of wine glasses.

“What?” Sang Kyu asked, with a pout. “Are you taking me on a picnic?”

“No,” Alfred answered, sweeping past Sang Kyu and slipping his shoes off next to the door. “I have tonight off work. I thought we could celebrate your new home.”

“Why do you look like you’re dressed for a date?”

“Because…” Alfred glanced away shyly. “I was hoping I was?”

Sang Kyu felt his heart flutter for a beat. He was only joking…right?

“Anyway, you look like you need to have some fun,” Alfred continued, using his free hand to take Sang Kyu’s and guide him towards the couch. “Your porch light was on, so you have power now, right? How about we watch a movie?”

“How did you get alcohol?” Sang Kyu asked, ignoring Alfred’s suggestion. “You’re not legal.”

“I work at a bar,” Alfred said as they sat down, both of them immediately sinking into the too-soft cushions. “Don’t you think I’d be able to get a cute girl to buy it legally and slip it to me later?”

“No,” Sang Kyu said with a smirk. “You’re not charming enough to pick up a cute girl.”

“No,” Alfred agreed. “Just a cute Korean.”

Sang Kyu felt a rush of blood to his cheeks and quickly looked away. “Stop…”

“Oh, come on,” Alfred said, throwing an arm around Sang Kyu and clicking on the TV with the remote. “I always see you glancing in my direction when you think I’m not looking. You pretend my jokes are awful and then turn around and shake your head and chuckle at them anyway. Oh, and you’re blushing.”

“I’m not!”

“Shhh, it’s okay,” Alfred said, pulling him closer. He’d settled on a channel showing an old vampire movie in black and white. “How’s this?”

“Fine, I suppose,” Sang Kyu muttered, now making a great effort to not look in Alfred’s direction.

Alfred didn’t seem too fussed by Sang Kyu’s objections, and he quickly set to work dividing out the bread and cheese and pouring them both glasses of deep red wine. He handed one to Sang Kyu and held his own out for a toast.

“To your new home!” Alfred beamed, and clinked his glasses against Sang Kyu’s. They both took sips of wine. It was vaguely fruity, but not exactly sweet. It was quickly chased by the sharp bite of alcohol, and Sang Kyu winced.

They spent the next few hours nibbling cheese and bread and sipping wine as the vampire movie played. Curiously, Sang Kyu felt that he was the one doing most of the eating. Although Alfred had divided the food out mostly evenly, it seemed as though he’d barely touched his own half.

“Aren’t you hungry?” Sang Kyu asked, gesturing toward Alfred’s barely touched food.

“I’m uh…just nervous, I guess,” Alfred said, shooting Sang Kyu a bashful look. He sipped some wine distractedly.

“Oh, stop,” Sang Kyu groaned. “What are you nervous about?”

“You know!”

“We’re watching a movie! Were you planning to propose too or something?”

This comment made Alfred’s pale face flush as red as the wine.

“N-no,” Alfred stammered. “It’s just…I always scare people away.”

“Oh, please,” Sang Kyu sighed. “You must pick up tons of girls at that bar you work at.”

“No,” Alfred insisted. “When they find out what I’m really like—”

“Alfred—”

“I scare them away!”

“Alfred, you managed to charm your way back in here after the first night!”

“And I really do like you and I just—”

Ugh, there it was—that stupid, woeful, kicked puppy look. All this self-deprecation from someone who was obviously attractive and charismatic and ways that Sang Kyu could never hope to be. He couldn’t stand it. It pissed him off that Alfred, of all people, kept insisting he couldn’t be liked or that no one would ever stay with him. He had to shut him up before he ended up whining about it all night.

With a swift tug, Sang Kyu grabbed Alfred by the front of his collar and pulled him forward until their lips pressed together. The kiss was soft and warm, and Sang Kyu felt the heat spread from his cheeks to his ears and down his neck and shoulders. After a few seconds, he let go of Alfred’s collar and let him pull back.

Alfred looked stunned, thrilled, and afraid, all at the same time, but something else was…off. His eyes seemed even more tired than usual, the dark crescents standing out even more starkly against the pale skin. Most strangely, his light blue eyes—

“—I just don’t want to scare you away too,” Alfred whispered, looking like he might cry.

His eyes had turned a deep, bloody crimson.

Sang Kyu was only able to look for a second before Alfred leaned in to kiss him again. This time Alfred parted his lips, and in the warm moistness, Sang Kyu felt his tongue graze across something as sharp as a needle. When Alfred pulled away and Sang Kyu could see his face again, he got a clear look at both the red eyes and the pointed fangs.

It made sense. An attractive, friendly young man with an unknown childhood and inexplicably few friends, who only worked nights and couldn’t quite stomach bread and cheese—

“You’re—”

“A monster, right?”

“No, you’re a fucking liar.”

That didn’t seem to help. Alfred’s scarlet eyes stared at the floor. “I know. But I couldn’t tell you.”

“No,” Sang Kyu objected. “You’re a liar because you keep going on about how no one could ever like you. I like you.”

Alfred didn’t look up or answer, so Sang Kyu sighed and pulled him into his arms. He understood, in a way. Sang Kyu had spent years lonely as people gravitated toward his cheerier, more personable brother. Any friends they could have shared were put off by his cold demeanor. Alfred was forced to live a life he didn’t seem to want. He had no friends because as soon as he was exposed for what he was, people were afraid of him. This house had probably been empty because of the rumors about a vampire living across the street. So, when an introvert with no friends had finally moved in to the house, Alfred had thought, perhaps, he could finally make a friend with someone who was as lonely as he was.

After a few minutes of silence, Sang Kyu pointed at Alfred’s untouched bread and cheese. “You can’t eat that, can you?”

Alfred shook his head.

“Then—do you want to…?”

“May I?”

“What are you going to do otherwise? Go suck blood from the drunks behind your bar?”

Alfred shifted uncomfortably, and Sang Kyu got the sense that this is exactly what he would have done. Had that been the purpose of the alcohol, then? To get Sang Kyu drunk enough that he’d pass out and not remember Alfred biting him? A plan only ruined by Sang Kyu drinking too slowly and still being sober enough to ask questions?

When Alfred didn’t answer, Sang Kyu pulled back the collar of his shirt and guided Alfred closer with his hand. “Just don’t take too much.”

“Thank you,” Alfred smiled, scooting closer so that he could sit behind Sang Kyu.

Hot breath puffed against Sang Kyu’s bare skin, but Alfred didn’t bite right away. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Sang Kyu as if to hug him from behind, and pressed soft lips to the side of his neck in a gentle kiss. Sang Kyu shivered at the touch. Cold fingers wrapped gently around his neck and jaw to guide his head into a position that exposed the side of his neck.

“It’ll hurt a little,” Alfred said, muttering the words against the skin in the spot Sang Kyu thought he must intend to bite. Sang Kyu nodded in response, and a second later, there were two sharp pricks of pain halfway between his ear and his shoulder, followed by a rush of heat that Sang Kyu knew must be blood.

After the fangs were withdrawn, Alfred lips and tongue worked against the skin, encouraging the blood to keep flowing. Sang Kyu let his eyes drift shut. After the initial pain faded, it was almost relaxing, like Alfred was kissing his neck passionately. The fingers kept their place on his throat, adjusting occasionally as Alfred lapped the blood from the two tiny wounds.

When he was done, Alfred reached into the basket to retrieve the cloth he had wrapped the wine bottle in and pressed it against Sang Kyu’s neck. The very fact that Alfred had brought a cloth, in Sang Kyu’s mind, solidified his theory that Alfred had meant to suck his blood from the beginning.

“Hold it there,” Alfred said, turning away to wipe a smear of blood from the corner of his mouth. When he was done, he turned back. “How do you feel?”

“A little tired,” Sang Kyu said, wincing. He’d pressed the towel in a bit too hard, and the area was going to be sore, he could tell.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

The movie had since ended, and the TV was now showing a commercial for Halloween candy. Neither of them said anything. Sang Kyu wasn’t sure what else to say. The east coast was wild. Cold nights, creepy houses, and vampires for neighbors.

After several minutes of silence, Alfred leaned over to press his lips to Sang Kyu’s again. Though Alfred’s eyes had returned to their icy blue and Sang Kyu’s tongue could no longer find the sharp fangs, he was still met with the telltale tang of blood and wine.

When their lips parted, Alfred pushed aside the towel to make sure the bleeding had stopped, and, satisfied that it had, wrapped his arms around Sang Kyu and pressed himself warmly into his side with a sigh.

“Thanks,” he breathed.

“Don’t mention it,” Sang Kyu answered. “Just don’t dress up so much next time.”

[nsfwviolets]

hello everyone !! my name is ally & i hail from the est timezone. what you need to know about me ( other than me never understanding how technology works ) is that i love wealthy & all its members with all my heart. i don’t think anything has really changed about vi but everything you need to know about her is under the cut !! 

❛ new york’s very own violet lennox was spotted on broadway street in jimmy choo thigh high boots. your resemblance to taylor hill is unreal. according to tmz, you just had your twenty-second birthday bash. while living in new york, you’ve been labeled as being avaricious, but also enticing. i guess being a gemini explains that. three things that would paint a better picture of you would be silk sheets, diamond necklaces, & faux fur coats . ( cisfemale & she/her ) + ( ally, 20, she/her, est )

basics ;;

full name:  violet ( soft & sweet ) faith ( unquestioning belief and complete trust in god ) lennox ( northern irish / scottish last name ).

nicknames: vi, v.

age: twenty-two.

birthday: 18 june 1996.

zodiac: gemini.

gender: cisfemale.

pronouns: she / her / hers.

sexual orientation: bisexual ( in the closet ).

nationality: american.

hometown: aspen, colorado.

parents: diane galindo ( brooke shields ) & richard lennox ( rob lowe ).

siblings: older sister.

pet(s): one year old miniature labradoodle named tate.

religion: roman catholic.

height: 5′10.

occupation: victoria’s secret angel / instagram model / socialite.

positive traits: honest, loyal, passionate, responsible, authentic, affectionate, reliable, kindhearted, & courageous.

negative traits: loud, manipulative, stubborn, materialistic, selfish, abrasive, hypocritical, insecure, & dramatic.

hobbies: shopping, audrey hepburn movie marathons, traveling, being the center of attention, photography, spontaneous dance parties, working out, massages, doodling, pilates, online shopping, & journaling.

habits: interrupting someone mid sentence, excessive hair tucking, shoulder rolling, lip biting, & impatiently tapping her heels or acrylic nails when she is at a loss for words & or annoyed.

labels: the vixen & the babydoll. 

aesthetics: silk dresses, red lingerie, lip gloss, lipstick stained coffee mugs, matte nail polish, glitter, diamonds, snow days, satin sheets, impulsive shopping sprees, romantic comedy binge watches, ocean waves, lolita, bright lights, day drinking, champagne for breakfast, iced matcha, lingerie as outerwear, yves saint laurent black opium perfume sprayed on the nape of her neck & her decolletage, lavender oil, freckled skin, acrylic nails, snow blanketing trees, hardwood mahogany floors, hgtv reruns, vintage chanel, pretty in pink, rose gold accents, bubble baths after a long day, half naked pictures, & rose water.

style inspo: taylor hill, kylie jenner, candice swanepoel, josephine skriver, kendall jenner, blair waldorf, & cher horowitz. here are just a few examples of her wardrobe !! ( x x x x x )  muse inspo: brooke davis ( one tree hill ), cher horowitz ( clueless ), blair waldorf ( gossip girl ), gabrielle solis ( desperate housewives ), lydia martin ( teen wolf ), fallon carrington ( dynasty ), sadie saxton ( awkward ), lauren cooper ( faking it ), mini mcguinness ( skins ), holly golightly ( breakfast at tiffany’s ), maddy perez ( euphoria ), brooke maddox ( scream ), samantha jones ( sex & the city ), tahani al jamil ( the good place ), jackie burkhart ( that ‘70s show ), naomi clark ( 90210 ), cece parekh ( new girl ), cassie howard ( euphoria ), madison montgomery ( american horror story ), jenna maroney ( 30 rock ), kelly kapoor ( the office ), elle woods ( legally blonde ), rachel green ( friends ), paris hilton, & mona-lisa saperstein ( parks & recreation ).

background ;; 

violet faith lennox is diane galindo’s & richard lennox’s youngest child. born three weeks early on 18 june 1996 at aspen valley hospital in aspen, colorado. the very moment they held their daughter ( who they lovingly referred to as a ‘ blessing ‘ ) in their open arms, they knew that their family was finally complete.

her mother ( diane ) is her parents’ pride & joy. as the eldest daughter of wealthy wall street executives, she has done nothing but make her family proud her entire life. growing up, her dream in life was to help her father’s business but her career quickly changed course when she decided to pursue a career in medicine. the new york native eventually ended up going to harvard medical school in boston, massachusetts where she would end up meeting her future husband. to this day, dr. galindo is one of the most recognizable names in medicine & is world renowned for her work as a reproductive endocrinologist ( fertility specialist ). 

her father on the other hand ( richard ) was born to an influential family in los angeles, california. from an early age, he was exposed to the spotlight due to the fact that his own father was governor of california & hoped to become president one day. however, things seemed to go off course the day the former governor was caught in his own cheating scandal all while being married to a former pageant queen. scandal erupted when the politician not only cheated on his stunning wife with a young secretary but when his mistress announced to the world that she was pregnant. the entire news circuit covered this affair for months & the governor resigned from his position when news broke that he urged his mistress to get an abortion.

following the scandal, the family fell out of the public spotlight. they spent years trying to repaint their public image after it was tarnished for nothing but selfish desire. approximately ten years later, the family made news again but this time about their newly found faith in god joining the long list of religious right wing politicians. richard’s father felt as if the only way to redeem himself was to devote himself to god. after years of distancing themselves from the catholic church, the family dove right back in which became the start of their fundamental catholic values that ruled every aspect of their lives.

as the only son in the family, richard’s parents had high expectations for him. however, he seemed to have different plans for himself that didn’t involve making his family proud or practicing what they preached. as an undergraduate student at yale, his interests were far & few between. his days only seemed to consist of sleeping with random women & binge drinking to his heart’s content. he knew that he didn’t have to be an astounding student because he had a giant trust fund waiting for him at home. but after a drunk driving accident that resulted in a 40 year old woman’s hospitalization & his own arrest, richard knew he had to clean up his act. 

he eventually followed his family’s lead & became an ultra religious catholic. he even managed to boost up his grades & get an academic scholarship to harvard law school where he met diane. diane didn’t come from a strong religious background. in fact, she liked to tell people that she only believed in science & didn’t have faith or trust in a superior figure. but when she met a young richard lennox, her entire world was turned upside down. she let him into her life, converted to catholicism, & the two got married after three years of dating. flash forward to 1992. the married couple is moving to aspen, colorado for diane’s new job at an upscale hospital. they even received a generous check from richard’s parents to buy a mansion in the mountains !!

life for the couple in colorado was serene. they eventually welcome their first child into the world ( a daughter ) & a few months later, their families moved to help them raise their children. both diane & richard always wanted a big family due to their catholic faith. they both agreed they would stop after 6 kids, however, their minds were quickly changed when she became pregnant with violet.

her pregnancy was extremely difficult to say the least. between being on bed rest for months & frequent hospitalizations, she didn’t know if she could do this again. on top of her own health issues, she also had problems with her unborn child. there was even a night where they thought they would lose violet after diane experienced unexplainable bleeding & her fellow colleagues at the hospital couldn’t detect a heartbeat.

luckily, they were able to find a heartbeat after 6 minutes of deafening silence & hushed prayers for a miracle. after that night, they knew that their daughter was a blessing which is why they agreed to give her the middle name faith which symbolizes their unrequited devotion to god.

eventually, violet was born !! she was born three weeks early & spent a week in the icu but overall she was healthy. she was a bit underweight but she was miraculously healthy. but after everything the family had been through, they decided that violet would be their last child. 

as a child, violet did every thing her parents had asked of her. their faith played a large role in her upbringing which is why she spent every sunday inside of church. 

by the time she was 8 years old, her family decided to move to new york city due to the fact that her mom received a prestigious job on the upper east side. at the age of 8, violet was already a competitive gymnast who’s likes included spending time with her family, competing, & going to school. even then she knew she could do everything she loved in another state which is why she didn’t put up much of a fight when she was told that they would be moving across the country. 

moving from snowy open colorado to the upper east side of manhattan was definitely a culture shock for violet even at an early age. nonetheless, she eventually got used to new york city life & to this day she doesn’t think she would survive a week in colorado. 

even after she moved to a new part of the country, violet remained devoted to gymnastics & her family. she had dreams of one day going to the olympics for gymnastics & everyone who knew her saw her potential. she even competed in world events & became a household name !! although, her parents often emphasized that school & religion come first which is why they made her & her sister attend a private catholic school all the way through high school.

in high school, she was a classic goody two shoes church girl. she was a strong student who received perfect grades in order to please her parents. for the longest time, she didn’t have time for anything other than school & sports but that changed by the time she was 16.

despite attending an all girls school, violet met her first boyfriend through one of her mutual friends. & like all stereotypical teen romances, it was love at first site. she was so infatuated with him that she was willing to put everything in her life on the back burner in order to focus on him. 

& by the time she was 18, she received numerous academic & sports scholarships to prestigious colleges. however, violet decided to take a gap year in order to spend more time with her boyfriend of two years. she knew that she would eventually go to college but she wanted to make some time for herself first. her parents weren’t exactly happy about her decision due to the fact that she has big shoes to fill but they eventually came around the idea & were even happy for their daughter & her wholesome catholic boyfriend.

during her gap year, they spent an entire year traveling the world. they went to bali, greece, peru, brazil, iceland, dubai, thailand, argentina, & morocco. throughout the course of the year, violet documented her travel on her instagram & other social media platforms which is when she started gaining a lot of followers who wanted to watch her travel the world with the love of her life. before her influx of instagram followers, not a lot of people outside the world of gymnastics knew who she was. people of course knew who her parents were ( a famous doctor & lawyer ) but the world did not really know who exactly violet lennox was.

by the end of her gap year violet already had over 1 million followers on instagram !! & she was already getting paid doing what she loves which is travel the world. & since all of this happened during her year off, violet ended up telling her parents that she didn’t want to go to college which damaged their relationship as a result. 

since her parents were so unsupportive of her decision to not go to college & ultimately quit gymnastics, violet ended up moving out of her house & moved in with her boyfriend at only the age of 19. & because her parents were completely unsupportive of her decision not to attend college, they cut her off financially & she was forced to make a living for herself. by this point, her career as a social media influencer was booming so she was already making a lot of money just through promoting detox teas, teeth whitening kits, etc.

it may seem as if life for violet was perfect by this point despite her falling out with her parents. however, that was not the case. even though she fooled the entire world by thinking that she had a perfect relationship, her boyfriend was incredibly abusive towards her & had been ever since the two started dating. although he was never physically abusive, he was mentally, emotionally, & verbally abusive. for years violet made excuses for him & blamed herself for their problems which only made her feel more miserable than she already was. this was her first real relationship & she genuinely thought that they were destined to be together even though she was severely unhappy.

he would constantly cheat, manipulate her, make fun of her appearance & insecurities, & wouldn’t let her do anything without his permission. the two were together for three years & there even was a time where violet became pregnant but quickly had an abortion without him knowing as soon as she found out. just three months after living together, she finally found the courage to break up with him. although it wasn’t easy at first, she’s thankful that she finally got out of a dangerous relationship. she also understands the dangers of social media better than anyone else because she fooled the world into thinking that she was in a happy loving relationship when that was far from the truth.

when violet told the world about their breakup ( most likely in an instagram live or an instagram story ) she ended up losing millions of followers. the majority of her followers only followed her to watch her travel the world with her boyfriend so once they found out that they were no longer together ; they didn’t see the point in following her anymore. 

for an entire year following her breakup, violet began to spiral out of control. she started using drugs, alcohol, & partying as coping mechanisms in order to help her move on & forget about everything she had endured. that of course didn’t work but that didn’t stop her from partying every single night of the week & ending up in a stranger’s bed. eventually, she even leaked her own sex tape & naked pictures to the press in hopes that the press coverage would help make up for the millions of followers she lost on instagram. 

& as she expected, the world would not stop talking about her sex tape for months. she gained the most followers she has ever done & eventually she got real modeling jobs as a result of her popularity. she hasn’t exactly told the world that she was the one who leaked the 20 minute video but everyone in their immediate circle knows she did it & also knows that she has other videos lying around for ‘ emergency ’  situations. 

however, her parents cut off all contact with her following her scandal & it is still something that cuts deep two years later. she tells herself & everyone around her that she doesn’t need a family but everyone knows that’s a lie. it’s just a lie she keeps on telling herself to feel better about herself. 

violet managed to clean up her act & went from being a social media influencer to an actual model. many people don’t respect her name due to her troubling past with her sex tape & being an instagram model but that doesn’t seem to stop her. she has been featured in the love advent calendar, the victoria’s secret fashion show, & many fashion weeks since then. 

earlier this year, she became the youngest victoria’s secret angel at the age of 22 !!

she is also the youngest global ambassador for lancôme & ralph lauren !! 

although she has become more of an actual model rather an instagram model, she still stays loyal to her social media platforms which is why she has over 100 million followers. 

she lives a happy life after being so unhappy for so long but she still seeks her parents approval even though they have no contact with her. 

personality ;;

for someone who is incredibly smart, she pretends to be dumb sometimes. she doesn’t think that guys like smart girls so she dumbs herself down. but she could also be a ditz at times ( unintentionally ).

she likes to think of herself as approachable but she also knows that she can be intimidating. nonetheless, she tries to be nice to everyone who comes her way unless they say the wrong thing to her & then she switches on her mean girl switch that comes far too easy for her.

even though violet is a lot to deal with, she is a nice person !! although she does have a flair for the dramatics & denies being dramatic all the time. she also likes to think of herself as a ‘ good girl ’ even though she is far from one. she loves sex & isn’t afraid to shy away from that but she still tells people that she’s good or an angel because it makes herself feel better about herself.

she also goes to confession 1-2 times a week to pray for her sins in order to get into heaven. she thinks with the amount of adultery she commits on a daily basis she needs to pray for her sins otherwise she won’t go to heaven & she thinks she looks way better in white than in red.

if you do her wrong, she will go out of her way to make your life a living hell. she is incredibly protective over the people in her life so she will do just about anything for them including berating people. revenge might as well be her last name !!

she may be loud and unnecessary at times but she is kind hearted and does mean well. even if she does have a bad way of showing it at times.

miscellaneous ;;

since she comes from a strict traditional upbringing, she was taught that being anything other than straight is wrong. so when violet first started experimenting with girls & even developed feelings for one, she told herself that she was going to hell. this is one of the reasons why she has not come out of the closet or has even come to terms with her sexuality. she denies all past same sex encounters & relationships which isn’t healthy. but since her parents disowned her following her sex tape, she knows that they would hate her more than they already do. if they ever found out that their daughter was anything but straight they would lose their minds & she’s still hoping that one day they could repair their relationship. apparently being bisexual is worse than having a sex tape !!

when she was a competitive gymnast for the united states national team, she was often put on strict diets in order to keep up. as a result of the strict dieting & unrealistic body images, violet developed bulimia as early as 12 years old. so when she quit gymnastics after deciding not to attend college, she was happy. she loved the sport but hated the pressure. even to this day, the sport isn’t actually sure what happened to her because she was an olympic hopeful. they all thought that she could have been the next gold medalist but she values her own mental health & sanity over a couple of medals. & even though she sought help for her eating disorder that reared ugly heads at times, she did slip up a lot while she was with her boyfriend who would make fun of her appearance. even now she isn’t 100% but she is better than she has ever been.

is extremely flirty & alluring.

violet also believes that the world revolves around her. many people may find her confidence to be annoying or superficial but she takes pride in it because it took her so long to learn how to love herself after being with her first boyfriend.

speaking of relationships, she’s terrible at them. she often runs away when things become too serious, manipulates the people she’s with, or breaks up with them for no reason. her logic is that she wants to hurt someone before they have the chance to hurt her. she still has yet to understand that the rest of the world isn’t like her ex but her past still haunts her every time she catches feelings.

she likes to tell people that monogamy isn’t the life for her which is why she prefers casual sex. she is also a proud sugar baby & has many sugar daddies !! most of them are old & married but she is a sucker for anyone who buys her nice things. 

also has an instagram account for her dog !! 

her most used emojis in her phone are the halo, the suggestive face, & the pink glitter heart.

she’s a gemini which means that she is expressive, quick-witted, sociable, and affectionate. 

her favorite tv show is gossip girl. 

her favorite movie is the notebook.

has a passion for photography but hasn’t explored it seriously. she understands that she makes a living off of being another pretty face but she also wants to explore other aspects of her career like photography & maybe even acting.

she often considers going to college or even going back to gymnastics a lot but she not made up her mind yet. she is happy right now as a model but she does miss aspects of her old life.as an instagram model, she is like kendall jenner or gigi hadid. in other words, she has a large following & people book her for photo shoots & fashion shows in order to boost their own notoriety because it looks better on their part. her walk is average at best but she does have a beautiful face. people hate instagram models working in the real modeling business as it is so they despise an instagram model with a sex tape !!

she lives in a townhouse in chelsea that has been featured in architectural digest twice. her home is filled with hardwood floors, marble, gold accents, & constantly smells like lavender. 

the last concert she went to was lana del rey.

the last song she listened to was everybody loves you by charlotte lawrence.

the last show she binge watched was you.

the last movie that made her cry was tangled.

loves wellness shots after dogpound workouts.

gets daily massages by her french masseuse.

all & all, she is a mess but she loves the people in her life !! 

here’s her pinterest board if you want to take a look !! i also have a wc page here that will most likely be updated over the weekend. & my discord is @taylorshill​#4067