#who am I fooling at this point?

[waiting-on-a-dream]

𝐎𝐧 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞

Love was a mystery to him. But for the most part, it was more of a fairytale, sweet and fabricated.

Love. romance, starts at home. When you’re a kid, observing (and learning) whatever your parents do. Are they all over each other, or not at all? Are they warm and loving, or cold and detached? Are they partner or rivals, enemies even?

His parents weren’t always hopeless. His father would greet his mother when got home from work, sometimes going into the kitchen while she cooked to give her a hug. They would go out for their anniversary, returning home with blissful smiles and some new flowers to display. Sure, they still fought a lot. Every week in fact. But so long as everyne could gather at the table for dinner the next day, it would be alright.

And then he’d gotten older and their fights had gotten worse. Dinner became a warzone, and he’d alays scarf down his food and leave as soon as possible. Looking back on it now, maybe they tried to keep their marriage afloat when he was young simply for his sake.

His classmates in high school talked about relationships a lot. People started dating here and there. Rumours and the occasional scandal spread like wildfire.

He had good connections so he heard everything. But everyone was only interested in who and not why, how. What does love feel like? What makes being in a relationship so appealing? He often wondered why no one else spoke of those.

But he never asked, and politely rejected the one or two confessions he received after graduation.

Flirting was a fun activity for him, a hobby even. It still is now. Some didn’t give him the time of day, some reciprocated just as playfully.

His first time had been with an experienced woman. Which was great, because she did most of the work and he had a mind-blowingly good time. He woke up next to her in the morning and searched deep within himself for something, anything he might feel towards her. Perhaps the thrill of winning a gamble, or the calm content of settling onto his couch with a bottle of sake.

Nothing. He felt nothing.

He can’t remember much of what happened after that. They went their separate ways and he hasn’t seen her since.

So he’s back to square one on the quest for love. Even if no one could ever truly want his rotten and greedy self, surely he could bring himself to love someone.

He joins an organization, makes some new friends and lets the days bleed into one boring life as usual. Then he sees a man sitting by his favourite bar one day, nursing a fancy glass of bourbon. His heart stops. A restarts itself with a jump.

Its not love at first sight, no. Not something unrealistic like that. But he knows from the way that pretty face turns towards him, violet eyes painted grey by the orange lights meeting his, that he’s about to make his most interesting friend yet.

As usual when befriending an introvert, he has to make the first move. The man doesn’t react when he abruptly takes a seat next to him, but grows confused and a little wary when he whips out his best pickup lines. He can’t help but laugh (awkwardly). What is wrong with him? He’s forgotten how to talk to people.

Everything worked out in the end, because the man turned out to work for the organization he joined, and they had many more meetings at that bar. (He swears its a lucky charm place for him.)

He’s kissed plenty of people before. But he considers the kiss from the man his very first. Perhaps he’s a romantic after all.

He goaded the man into drinking more than usual, while he only took two shots for himself, barely enough to get him tipsy. Its early in the morning when they leave the bar, a few hours before sunrise, and they’re both practically dozing off as they stumble back to his apartment. The man can hardly walk in a straight line, and he finds himself supporting the other as they walk.

Maybe it’s the fluorescent streetlight up ahead, or the fact that he leaned in too close to the man’s face. (He had applied some mascara to his eyelashes before leaving for the bar. A part of him hopes the man notices, another part of him combusts at the thought of the other knowing that he put on makeup for him.) Then they’re kissing. With tongue, still tasting of booze.

It’s a hot summer night. He’s sweating from the heat and alcohol in his system. The man holds his face in place gently, as if he might ever want to pull away. Even with his eyes closed, the streetlight glares demandingly from beyond his eyelids.

But he swears he can hear dramatic music floating in the air. His heart beats frantically in his chest, light and airy and drunk on elation. So this is love, a fairytale.

Sweet and unobtainable.

The man claims not to remember anything when they wake up at half past noon, sprawled over each other with their clothes still on because they’d both collapsed when they reached the bed. His heart hurts but he agrees. He got absolutely hammered last night.

He brings the man a glass of water and makes him an omelette for lunch. (Its all he knows how to cook besides instant noodles.) The man leaves at 2 o’clock.

Daisuke often thinks logically but is quite sensitive to other peoples’ feelings. He doesn’t know what its like to feel “love”, so his perception of it comes mostly from the people around him. His parents obviously weren’t good examples, and his high school peers weren’t exactly mature…

Part of Daisuke's sexuality (demiromantic) is hinted in this piece. He doesn’t feel “love” until the friend he makes at the bar. They share one (1) kiss and he loses his mind.

Daisuke is more focused on his senses compared to his intuition, and the way he experiences love reflects that (more of a physical touch guy). He has a one-night stand and hopes it’ll blossom into something more the way it goes in some movies. Also, he pays attention to his surroundings even when he’s kissing his crush. Taking note of the weather, the light above him, as if he’s suddenly become hypersensitive. I thought it’d be a fun way to demonstrate the way he experiences the world.

The Japanese have this phrase: “Koi no yokan” which translates to 'the premonition of love'. It basically means knowing that you’ll come to fall in love with someone eventually upon meeting them. So that's basically what Daisuke felt when he saw Ryuto.

[p4nishers]

the fucking. contrast between 'For a moment, our gazes held as we mingled in unity. One person. We had always been one person. Nighteyes had voiced it long ago. It was good to be whole again.' and 'I am content' like????? killing myslrf

[genericwizard]

I think you greatly missed how much of Wriothesley and his role as the duke is about rehabilitation and fixing the problems with Fontaines justice system from the inside

Well anon, tell me 5 things then that Wriothesley has done to improve the fortress in the name of this rehabilitation, oh and don't say the welfare meals or the saw trap goes off.

The video game Genshin Impact does not go in enough depth with Fontaine's legal system for me to be able to concretely say that his role within it is changing it for the better. What I can say is that I've seen a prison where children can be born in captivity and be detained as undocumented citizens with zero effort made to relocate them to non-incarcerated family. Where cults can still arise even under heavy guard and violence is still by no means prohibited.

In order for the duke's vision for the fortress as a place of rehabilitation to be meaningful, the prisoners would have to be able to return to a life outside of the fortress and have the means to do so. Instead, they are paid in made-up currency only capable of building equity within the prison, discouraging them from leaving it to pursue life outside the fortress. If the argument is that "they're banished from Fontaine" they could still seek out a new life in literally any other part of Teyvat.

Prison reform is not prison abolition, and frankly, Wriothesley seems to thrive in the power and control his position affords him. Why would he toy with Fatui infiltrators instead of confronting them directly since he was onto them all along? Are we sure "preventing panic" is the only reason he didn't disclose his secret doomsday ship project? It had nothing to do with the forced labor used to make it? And that's to say nothing of the fact that when push comes to shove, Wriothesley isn't above starting physical altercations with inmates.

But yeah I must be missing something big about how he actually believes that prisons shouldn't exist and he's done a lot of good work towards that cause.

[perpetual-blue]

law has his whole being a little shit and pretending to be evil and cold to hide how depressed he is, but also to hide how much he likes being helpful to people

[lunarmoves]

finished isat and whaT DO YOU MEAN I MISSED MY CHANCE FOR LOOP SECRET ENDING FUCKK

[theenderdirewolf]

Okay so earlier today my friends showed me an image, and out of nowhere my brain decided that is now submas, I will make this work

And so have this little out of nowhere poorly drawn shitpost I drew on my phone

I know Volo wouldn't be wearing his ginkgo guild uniform from like 200 years ago in the 'present day' but hey- shitpost! (Also I drew Ingo first and then Emmet and had like no room to mess around with so)

Did I get the expressions right? No. Did I get anatomy right? Not at all- but this isn't my normal style and it made me laugh so I thought it share it!

also for anyone interested this was the original image!

[stargleekkid]

please enjoy this huge random ass collection of gifs I made of the boys recently in a desperate attempt to cure my depression

[vilyar]

Finished Fool's Quest the other day, wanted to paint Lady Amber as I imagined them :’) (with bit more fancier dress because why not)

[shdwtouch]

not me openly admitting that shade lowkey takes after me. this was not intentional, I swear. uwu; she kinda just... ended up with an extra dose of who I am as a person, whereas most of my original characters receive much less.

I realized this when considering that shade is most likely homo leaning. and I was like, haha she's just like me ! an enby ace lesbian... and then the similarities just kept getting drawn. idk maybe I'm just overly tired.

also like. not gonna apologize ? she really isn't a self-insert. but its also like... creators are allowed to put themselves into what they make ! and I'm proud of shade, I really am. so I won't be made ashamed for traits we might share.

[spaceshipkat]

.

[mimi-noelle]

There are times when I am reading a really bad take and the smart choice is to stop reading once I realize what a bad take it is but I stay and read the whole thing because I want to actively consider the opinions of people I disagree with because it helps me to broaden my understanding of others and have more empathy but sometimes it’s just a hater shouting into the void of the internet

[cherrymoonvol6]

.

[boxwinebaddie]

hi nina! do you have any other songs that you think cd would cover? i just really liked new perspective and i think ur music taste is rlly cool :3

d'awww!!! hi there, sweet pea! <3

tysm for your ask but, before you start reading ( because this message got VERY long ), i just want to let everyone know that i used this ask to explain some Very Complex Ravenstan/Callgirl Fake Dating Lore...so if you are interested in that, it starts towards the middle of this ask...it's a lil chaotic, but i tried to make it as interesting and clear as i could! no obligation to read, ofc, as always, but i did want to preface this ask with that info, so you know this one is

*Secretly An Important RM Lore Ask.*

but back to what i was doing ( screaming ):

— because aAAAAAAAAAA!!!! c': <333

i am not even joking, you guys, despite the fact that my fic is based almost entirely around Music, i avoided answering music-related asks for so LONG bc i was legitimately so nervous about it being negatively perceived or read for filth on here, which, i Know, is silly because it's my fanfic and what i say goes, i can't change my music taste anymore than i can change the way my dna loops, but...idk.

like, i feel like A Lot of people are self conscious abt their music taste, but my social anxiety/inferiority complex can get so gnarly that i actually get Nervous when people ask me about what kind of music i like and i never EVER sit shot gun in cars bc i am...scared to aux. :/

iiiiiit's...That Bad. ( nina, please get therapy. )

i also feel like people in this fandom can get Very Intense about what kind of music they associate with the boys/what music the boys listen to and are FRIGHTENINGLY QUICK to rip people to shreds over opinions that don't align with theirs or aren't obscure or 'cool' enough.

bc of that, i try to be Very Lowkey on this blog because the larger part of this fandom and the criminally insane level at which they escalate petty fights over canon/fanon, like to the point that they are frothing at the mouth and start doxing people...gives me Extreme Stress. which, in my line of work, i actually CANNOT have happen.

tldr; i want absolutely NO part of it and like my lil corner.

thank you for keeping it Safe. <3

AND THANK YOU FOR ENJOYING MY MUSIC TASTE!!! EEEE c: <3 THAT IS SO REASURRING AND HEALING FOR ME TO HEAR!!!! MUSIC TO MY EARS, BABY! LITERALLY! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THAAAANK YOU! *holds you* *squishes you* *kisses ur head*

istg, if nothing else the fact that i have a bunch of you rocking out to New Perspective and positively associating it with my fanfic means that i have done my job and that's a legacy i'm willing to die with.

i'm being so serious, i feel like if rm was a tv show, it would play as the outro to every episode...but like a nice, soft, raw version w/ ravenstan on acoustic guitar to contrast the hard ass cd cover of style by tswizz that i think would open every episode...smh, nina, please, pleease stop imagining your unfinished, crack-fanfic as a netflix og series. >.>

BUT!!! okay!!!! in vein of trying not to worry about the perception of my music taste or what other people want from me...tHIS IS A KIND OF CONTREVERSIAL TAKE BUT I TIED IT TO THE PLOT, OKAY?

so, as a little nina lore and for context, when i was in elementary school around like 4th/5th grade, i was listening to like a lot of early y2k bangers, ig. dirty little secret by all american rejects, hey there delilah by the plain white tees, girlfriend by avril lavigne core, etc.

( just to make you giggle, i also had a ps2 and there was a series of video games called singstar that were some off shoot of rockband/gh that had mics you plugged directly into the system...pls note my high score on sk8r boi really should be put in the guinness world records, like if you held a gun to my head and told me to sing that song, i not only would i fuck it up but i would LIVE, baby! better luck next time! )

...it was also around early disney channel times ( the disney channel games with the team colors...that was my OLYMPICS, bitch! ) and i had this Disney Pop Hits Vol...1? i think? cd i used to play on the prehistoric radio thing in my room and my favorite song on it was...

pop princess by the click five.

AND I KNOW!!! I KNOOOOOW!!!! controversial take, but i am sorry, THAT SONG FUCKS!!!! THAT SONG IS SOOOO AWESOME!!!!!

and i feel like when ravenstan was fake dating call girl during the great hate south park embark, cd covered it: i am picturing a less finger-bang, btr, disney channel esqe sound and more of a pop-punk, pedal to the metal, electric guitar type, edgy rockstar boy typa beat.

but Yes, i think ravenstan covered it or idk i really think that it was made FOR call girl. and it was BAD ASF. i also think bc tcf wrote that song about hannah montana ( iconic ), and bc call girl is basically the whole internet's e-girl bubblegum pop princess in my fanfic, it just...

makes...Sense.

am i making sense? do we see the vision? aka rs in his lil pants w/ the ripped red and black flannel tied around his waist, fallin to his knees, singing his heart out, pointing at her, winking? PPL DIIIIIIIIIED.

and by people, i do mean jerseykyle n bebe who were MAD AS HELL,

-- but also tapping their toe...smh.

it was both very cool and very annoying. RIP.

( ...do i have jersey and bebe make out during the pop princess call girl tribute as mlm/wlw solidarity? HEEEELP ICOOONIC *jk vibrating with stress and anger vc* barbara, i need you to do somethin for me don't ask questions, i'll explain later, It's Important sdks MESSY! )

BUT OKAY!!!! SPEAAAAKING OF THEM AND THAT AND CALLGIRL AND RAVEN OF CRIMSON DAWN DATING!!!! i wanted to give you some lore and some spoilery plot about that/them bc it is burning a Hole in my brain...i must discuss r.s. and call girl becaaaause

~Its....Complicated.~

ANYWAYS!!!! IMPORTANT PLOT TIME!!!!

so, for more context: i am currently working on another ask abt how ike found out that jerseykyle/ravenstan used to be dating and during that conversation in kyle's room about three days into the sp trip, CONCURRENTLY somewhere Else, ravenstan and call girl are getting ready to do some flashy PR thing like go on a date/get din, idk.

BUT RIGHT BEFORE IT: ravenstan and call girl are alone together, and ravenstan, who, i am not even kidding you, is sooo fucking Pissed that this is EVEN HAPPENING because kyle is super mad at him, was like you are Actually Dead to me, WILL NOT TALK TO HIM...

( which without spoiling too much -- is actually why ike can tell that somethin Fucked Up is happening because j.k. is super aggressive and loud and is not afraid to Fuck Your Shit Up...but has not laid a FINGER on raven of crimson dawn...and actually, seems to not even want to be Near him, barely acknowledges his existence, leaves rooms that he is in and is Radio Silent around him...WHICH IS TWICE AS SCARY AS J.K. YELLING AND TRYING TO KILL YOU. so, uhh, Not fucking...Good, you guys. ike was like...this is...not fucking normal. )

but again, he cannot tell kyle what is going on bc he might actuuuuallly get MURDERED??? uh???

anyways, in whatever secure, secluded space rae/cg are in ( its somewhere private, i pictured a dressing room of sorts, like a makeup trailer, somewhere they have to take pics ) stan is Extremely Straight Up with her and says something to the effect of:

"i have no idea what you think this is or what you want this to be or what they told you, but we are not dating and this...is NOT. Real."

and call girl ( aka wendy whose identity is a secret to EVERYONE, No One has seen the bottom half of call girl's face...Ever. she changes her wigs everyday, they are Very Elaborate and is always in a very high tech face mask that covers her face from the nose down and uses a voice modulator to mask her speaking voice...a mysterious queen ) oddly enough seems completely relieved by this statement and is like

*squints*

"don't worry, Emo Boy. feeling is mutual. like, no offense, but you are seriously...not my type. Ew. trust me, i don’t want to do this either but,

— I Have To."

wHICHSHDLSKDHLSD SHE GUTTED HIM HELP. he was *gigantic stan slow eye blinks in shock* like "right, okay, Ow. that was...Mean." kshdlksdls but then was "--but i am glad we...agree. i Also HAVE To. not because of publicity, it's...Deeper than that...i can't really ta--"

to which call girl, locking eyes with him, dead seriously, lowering her modulated voice is like...

"it's tenorman, right?

He Threatened You."

and r.s, gagged! Again!!! is like

"holy shit, he THREATENED /YOU/ TOO?!?!"

and call girl nods very slowly and starts to say

"he told me if i didn't do it he would..."

and rs with the same kind of mounting horror whispers

" — Kill Everyone You Love And Care About?"

which, at this point, folks, they are both like...

...WOAH.

bc they realize they are both stuck in the same torture chamber together, they Both got cornered into this really elaborate ruse and have to keep it up in order to keep the people that they love Safe and it's...A Lot. it...really is. but it's also sort of freeing and cathartic to knowing you are not alone going through what is pretty much the worst thing that has ever happened to you in your entire life.

i also feel like...there is this natural bond. this Energy between them. like they understand/see each other and feel...safe with one another.

and call girl, guard still up, dips a toe in uncharted water, and goes:

"well...since were partners in crime now and have to live a lie in public...i think we at least owe it to each other in private...

...to be Real."

she offers this bc they have reached an understanding, an impasse, a standstill, a draw of sorts. and there is a thick tension...as well as this crescendoing vulnerability that hangs the air with her ultimatum as they stare warily at each other, strangers, both wearing still wearing their masks, call girl physically in hers and stan in his metaphorical one doing the dark, raspy smoke and mirrors raven voice bc he is...not sure about her in the same way that she is...

...still not sure abt him.

( they are basically that one spiderman meme where both the spidermans are holding each other at gun point. ) and it's a huge Risk to indulge her request, but again...they both have everything to lose.

and no one...but Eachother.

so he indulges her very tentatively and counters:

"alright...then, tell me something Real, call girl."

to which she nods, closes her eyes and goes. "fine. my real name..."

call girl trails off, reaches up to tap the voice modulator on her mask, turns it off, reaches out her rhine-stoned, sequined, hot pink faux leather gloved hand out to shake his and in her real voice, says,

" — Is Wendy."

and this...is a Very BIG Deal.

again, no one has ever heard call girl's voice before. no one knows what her name is or Anything about her. she doesn't even preform live, she does virtual concerts and is basically this sort of mysterious, ai, vocaloid/miku internet personality that is very Carefully and elaborately Coded and ENCRYPTED to keep her identity Safe.

so her turning off her voice mod and speaking to stan, not as a fictional, larger than life computer-generated celebrity, but as a human being...is massive.

it's also very...Comforting to ravenstan.

who has not been himself...for a very long time. and it's not smart, it's not a good idea, but he decides to trust her and in turn,

in his real voice, says,

"stan. my name...is Stan.

It's Nice To Meet You, Wendy."

he shakes her hand and she shakes his.

she says, "it's nice to meet you too, stan." :)

and it feels...Nice. it should feel wrong, what they're doing, but it feels right, it feels fucking amazing to stop Preforming. she knows his name, she's seen his face...but realizes he still has not seen Hers and running on adrenaline, bolstered by a rare surge of bravery, chinks at her armor, or mask rather, and makes a motion.

literally.

bc he reaches up towards her face and goes, "oof. it's nice to hear your human voice; the dystopian robot voice was lowkey espantoso."

he laughs, it's genuine and super ugly, god bless him. so you Know he's being really real when he asks "but...if it's all the same to you. if were going to speak freely; i'd like to...see Who i am speaking to.

so can i, please, uh...see your Face? your whole face.

your...Real face."

and oof. this...is a little nerve-wracking for wendalends.

she's neeeever taken the mask off. ever. Ever. EVER.

For A-n-y-o-n-e.

but...she might never have the chance again and it is...really stuffy under there. so she Agrees and lets stan remove her face apparatus.

ravenstan does say "Wowza." HDLKSHDSl amazing.

he's also my boyfail king and says something very fucking stupid like

"sorry, you're REALLY Pretty. i was worried might look like deadpool under there." she smiles, it's beautiful. no one has seen her real smile before as call girl and thanks him. she goes on to apologize and is like

"thank you, stan. you're really sweet and i...am sorry i said 'ew'. it's not because you're ugly, you're kind of...Cute for a guy, actually? you have really nice bone structure and very kind eyes. it's just, when i said you weren't my type i meant Boys. in...general."

her voice shakes a little, she's never admitted this out loud before, not even to her girlfriend. but she trusts stan with the nice bone structure and dumb ugly laugh and very kind eyes, so she says

"i'm a...Lesbian.

i'm also Seeing Someone at the moment.

It's Complicated."

and stan is like, skhdlsd way too excited to talk about kyle, and is like

"okay, whew! i'm ALSO seeing someone! or well..." then remembers and is like oooof "well...i Was...seeing someone i guess. it's..."

my man is Depressed and is trying to change the subject because he realizes he actually can't talk about kyle because not only is cartman going to kill him if he does...he is also gonna freakin K!ll Himself because he's actually so sad that kyle currently hates his GUTS.

so he sighs, echoing her and admits "It's...Complicated." :/

he wants to hear something nice though, something real...and nice. because he is a romantico king. who believes more than anything...

in Love.

so he asks her what her girlfriend's name is. <3 :')

annnd i think she is About to say bebe's name...but realizes if she does, it will completely blow her cover.

like her ACTUAL Cover.

because stan knowing her first name and her what she looks like under the mask is one thing...but the second she says bebe's name, it's going to reveal that she is kyle's bebe's wen/wendyl which...is

Meeeeessy.

but she reasons ( as an intelligent, rational queen ) that regardless of how messy things get, her and stan are in this mess together and that the best time to make a mess...is when you are Coming Clean.

still...this is...very sensitive information. she’s not sure how he's gonna take it and needs some sort of collateral.

so she states her terms.

and call girl, who stan now knows is wendy, but not bebe's current girlfriend ( yet ) says "okay. i am going to tell you something, but in order to do it. i have to tell you...Everything. in exchange, i need YOU to tell me Everything. i am going to give you One Chance to do so willingly. if not...i do not care how untraceable you Think you are, i am very familiar with the dark web and i will find out everything i Need to know about you. and do with that information...What. I. Please.

...so /please./ promise me you won't tell anyone about what i am about to tell you...and then, tell me...stan...Something Real."

stan agrees and wendy goes into everything. comes out as trans to him and explains her origin story. ( i started to write everything in this ask but it got too long, i'll tell you all about call girl/wendy in another ask i have a couple in the box i can use, haha. ) she tells him pretty much everything ( it's a big therapy session in there ) up until this point, gaydhd ravenstan...manages to understand

Everything.

and when she finishes, true to the deal, she gently volleys the ball into his court, ( they are friends now, aw <3 ) and softly goes:

"okay...Your Turn."

and so ravenstan...who is Deeply Inspired by wendy...Wowza. he seriously thinks she is so fucking cool and ALSO A TRANS ICON??? HELLO? he feels v seen and heard and safe, so uh...jesus christ, he grabs wendy's hands, takes a veeeeeery deep breath and goes,

"so, i...

— Am DEAD."

LKHDSHSDLKDS HEEELP KSHLKDS

annnnnnd proceeds to tell her everything.

and i do mean...Everything.

they talk for the rest of the night basically, having this heart to heart, at the same time that, unbeknownst to ravenstan, jerseykyle and ike are also having a heart to heart....wendy and stan are platonic besties, they agree to keep each other's secrets as t4t legends stuck in cartman's fucked up marionette hell together, they agree to keep their crazy charade up while they try and find a way out/back to bebe and kyle, take some v convincing publicity pictures together ( i do think jk and bebe see them and want to die So Bad, it's not funny...bebe/jk or wendy/rs...choose your doomed broship. Fml. )

and that's...

Your Crazy Uncle Nina RM Lore Drop For The Night!

i hope you enjoyed it, haha. <3 please feel free to drop me a line in the ole ask box about it and ofc, as always, to ask me anything you would like! if you're still with me...after all this time. thank you so much for supporting me and enjoying my content.

it means...Everything to me.

and in writing something fake...

thank you all:

for being my Something Real. <3 c':

-uncle nina, callgirl/raven superfan

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

writing poetry sometimes feels like you gotta cut yourself open to express it idk smear all your organs all over the page and hope somebody else reads something beautiful. is that like divination the way it's expressed in various places and things? I dunno. poetry never slides off your skin like water off a duck's back. it's from within I think. sometimes you have to tear yourself apart to get at the words and sometimes it just wells up from within and gushes out. always from somewhere deep inside. sometimes it's difficult and horrible and painful but the alternative would be worse. sometimes it's from sheer joy that must overflow into words. I think that's beautiful personally. skin splitting from joy. it happens, I think, to us all at some point. or maybe I'm just a creature of extremes. maybe that online test I did because a friend recommended it is true. it said my symptoms were high. I don't know. maybe it is true, maybe it's not. I read a book once where there was a character named Nathan Hill-and-Dale, and while I'm not nearly as extreme as he was portrayed, in my extremes, I know I'm a fairly volatile person. funny, for most people who see me IRL seem to think that I'm fairly calm. nope, I'm a volcano. watch out, even when I'm apparently calm I might blow up one way or the other. one of my residents' family members said today that I was young and bubbly and she was glad to see it because happiness is the prerogative of the young. a part of me wished I told her. I have actively tried to kill myself once; I have come extremely close to the same actions countless times including yesterday; I would sooner hurt myself than others; if I had my own choice I would simply starve. of course I didn't tell her. sometimes I think I'll never get better. at this point I would consider it a very high chance that I will either die by suicide or end up in hospital following an attempt. not now, of course. but despite my fierce love for my course it has stress associated with it and I think that it's very likely that no psych help on earth would fix my mental health enough for that not to be an option mentally in this short time. I think it's possible to recover from all of the things I struggle with. God help me, I hope it is. the real question is whether I will survive long enough to recover from them. and the answer? I know not. I was reminded of a past interaction with the boy today, where he called my name - I turned - his grandfather, a photographer, was waiting to see if he could get a decent photo, for we were at a church conference and he was trying to get photos everywhere. they were laughing. I could not help but laugh. that memory is tainted now, for he would not look at me now, let alone try to pull such a stunt again. I don't blame him. I don't blame anyone for it. I wonder what would happen if I blocked all my friends on discord; who would seek me out? part of me hopes people would, another part hopes they would not. sometimes I just want to be left alone to curl up and die. it would be easier. so much easier than living, and living, and living. I tried writing poetry just now. it felt like trying to cut myself open, I couldn't get the words out. it only made me feel rather wild. I'm desperate for change, for something. something. what is that something? I don't know. did you know I'm a sadist? I would not in a public place express the thoughts that led me to that conclusion. but I am. I wish I wasn't. there's an obvious solution to that. quick, and easy. so easy. too easy. I tried writing poetry, and then instead of writing anything coherent, I wrote this.

[miodiodavinci]

anyway ugghh i need to learn to stay off of twitter now that the algorithm has picked up on exactly what it needs to show me to make me righteously upset (← gets wrapped up in long discourse responses to shitty unethical AI works and ongoing vtuber drama that are a little vindicating at first but make you feel like vile, hate-ridden garbage after a half hour of scrolling)

[astranauticus]

this is how you tell i've been drawing almost exclusively for a podcast for 6 months but between the blackbox archive and the entire orv webtoon god i am feeling so SPOILED for references