#who luckily no longer has tumblr lol

[gxlden-angels]

I finally found the little ✨Dream Girl✨ passage in the Faithgirlz! Bible that made me realize I might just be gay

[fortunately-bi]

...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈

[perhaps-in-anotherdream]

[CN] Victor’s Luolan Date (Eng Translation)

“It appears I’ve already found the rose from the legend, one that will never wither.”

⌚Warning⌚ This post contains detailed spoilers for a date, 楼兰之约, that is yet to be released on the global server! ♡

•─────⋅◍♡◍⋅─────•

【Subbed Video】    

[Anika's Notes]: tbh ig the VAs were told to soften their voice 10x than usual for this event LOL. The amount of nonverbal sounds—— 😩 also, since Tumblr wants to reduce my workload LOL and won’t allow more than 30 pics, PLS DO WATCH the video for the god-tier voice acting, new bgs, the bgms and sprite alterations too~💕

───────

【Transcript Version】

【Chapter 1】

Victor: If you keep crying for any longer, your eyes might become swollen.

MC: [sobbing]  The ending was simply too unfair. Who can resist crying…

Through the hazy veil of tears, I see the lights in the living room flicker on.

The time-traveling drama I’ve been following all summer aired its series finale tonight. Victor even joined me in watching the web series together after getting off work.

We were chatting about the storyline just fine, until the final scene when my tears began streaming down uncontrollably––

Upon returning to the present day, the heroine enters Luolan once again, only to discover that the once prosperous city has eroded into the long river of time.

But the rose that the Prince of Luolan had carved outside the palace walls still blossoms on the crumbling ruins, quietly awaiting her for a thousand years.

Victor places a towel, radiating warm steam, over my eyes, gradually soothing my emotions.

MC: Don’t you find it beautiful?

Victor: Carving a rose into a stone is quite romantic. I can understand why you like it.

MC: I see absolutely no hint of being moved on your face…

He slightly furrows his brows in response to what sounded like an odd statement to him.

Victor: You’re not expecting us both to cuddle up and cry our eyes off, are you?

A rather peculiar image flashes through my mind, and I can’t help but burst into laughter.

Victor: Crying one moment and laughing the next. Your emotions are truly fickle.

MC: Precisely. Compared with my vivid and overt emotional display, this audience member’s emotions are too composed.

Victor: The selling point of all time-travel dramas mostly revolves around the theme that love can transcend time and space, with endings that can either be joyful or sorrowful.

Victor: This ending was predictable.

MC: But this series is adapted from the legend of the last prince of Loulan!

MC: Additionally, in the last century, a foreign explorer claimed to have seen flower-shaped carved patterns on the stone tiles at the Luolan ruins.

Victor listens quietly, then turns his gaze to me after a brief pause.

Victor: So, is this why you want to visit the Loulan ruins?

MC: Well, it’s not the sole reason. The legend of Luolan’s overnight disappearance has been widely known as a mystical tale. I was originally–– hang on, how did you know I wanted to go there?

The answer to my question is a document he hands to me. Upon closer look, I realize it’s actually the official permit granting access to enter the Luolan ruins.

MC: Why do you have this document too?

Victor: …dummy, it’s yours. Could they have sent it to the wrong person?

I flip through a few pages, and sure enough, find my full name written in the applicant’s box.

MC: I had just woken up when I filled in the address… I guess I subconsciously thought it would be safer to have it sent to you?

Victor: Sweet talker.

He raps my head.

Victor: But I heard that it’s no longer open for public visits.

MC: Yes, indeed~ Currently, only teams on scientific expeditions or those with permits are allowed in.

MC: The conditions for obtaining the permit are so incredibly stringent. I even tried leveraging all my connections, but still couldn’t succeed!

Hearing my words, he gives me a sidelong glance but doesn’t interrupt my unceasing torrent of complacent monologue.

MC: Luckily, I was able to negotiate a documentary collaboration with the local government and received an invitation for sightseeing~ I even signed multiple agreements to protect cultural relics.

Victor: No wonder a certain dummy’s tail is raised high into the sky; it indeed was no easy feat. However––

Victor: [sulking] You just said you had leveraged all your connections. How come I don’t remember myself being among those connections you leveraged?

MC: Because this was meant to be my Qixi Festival surprise for you…

—

•─────⋅◍♡◍⋅─────•

—

【Chapter 2】

Victor: Is this abrupt emergency break also a part of the surprise?

He pinches up the coffee-spattered shirt clinging to his body and stares at me sitting in the driver’s seat, lost for words.

MC: That pit just now was really too tricky…!

Just a few short hours ago, we landed at Luolan Airport. However, upon arrival, we were informed by the airline that our checked luggage had been delayed in the transit city and wouldn’t be delivered until two days later.

To avoid delaying our itinerary, we agreed to deal with the matter of collecting them on our way back. With that settled, I confidently got into the driver’s seat of the RV, and alongside Victor, embarked on a self-driven journey into the desert.

Yet, as expected, things aren’t as uncomplicated as I initially thought.

Looking at his shirt– practically soaked through and with coffee still dripping from it– I promptly grab some tissues and wipe it off for him.

The next second, my gaze suddenly falls upon the carry-on suitcase on the luggage rack. My eyes light up, leading me to pause in my actions.

MC: Why not take it off and wash it immediately? Although, while waiting for the clothes to dry, it seems like you’ll have to either be completely naked––

Unsurprisingly, as I deliberately prolong the final note, his reaction of furrowing his brows is true to my expectations.

MC: Or you could wear the couple’s outfit I packed inside the carry-on luggage for taking photos~

Victor: It seems like occasionally; one can still count on––

However, as soon as I take out two sets of lavish Western Region attire, his voice ceases to be heard.

The gold-plated ornaments chime with a delicate tinkling sound, aggravating the crease between his brows.

Victor: What are these?

MC: Compared to my dancer’s attire, yours is actually a collaboration with the museum, an exact 1:1 replica of the half-sleeved garment worn by the Prince of Loulan back in the day~

Victor: So?

Seeing that he is unmoved, I extend my hand and point to the sign denoting the “uninhabited area” by the roadside.

MC: There’s no place to purchase clothes around here. If you don’t change soon, that coffee stain won’t come off. And then, regardless of what outfit you wear on the return trip, it’ll end up on the news––

MC: 《The CEO of LFG’s Grand Cosplay Elevates Airport Fashion》 or 《The CEO of LFG Spotted in Stained Shirt - Speculations of Bankruptcy》. Your choice?

After quite a while, he compromises with a sigh, taking the clothes from me and walking towards the bathroom at the back of the RV.

Not long after, the sound of water seems to quiet down. In anticipation, I turn my head––

The soft crimson robe barely conceals the glimpses of sculpted and muscular contours underneath, complemented by intricate gold ornaments that adorn him with an air of regal nobility and grace.

Faced with my unblinking gaze fixated on him, he displays a somewhat unnatural expression, which is rarely seen on his face.

Victor: Why aren’t you changing?

MC: [still busy gaping]  What?

Victor: Why am I the only one wearing the couple’s outfit?

MC: Okay, okay, I’ll “accompany” you.

Watching the awkward expression on his face, I can’t contain my laughter and let out a chuckle. Just before his gaze can shoot my way, I hurriedly grab my attire and head to the bathroom.

The desert weather is always fluctuating and unpredictable. Right after I finish changing my clothes, I notice a sudden sandstorm brewing outside the window.

Seemingly catching a sound, his gaze lingers on me for a brief moment, and an almost imperceptible tenderness crests on the arches of his brows.

With the scope visibility diminished, Victor assumes control of the steering wheel, deftly maintaining a steady distance from the swirling sand and wind.

After who knows how long, we finally spot a single-story house coming into view at the end of the yellow sand. Brimming with excitement, I tap the navigation icon to zoom in and get a closer look.

MC: It’s the cultural relics preservation station!

—

Initially, our intention was only to charge the RV. But with the yellow sand swirling around, we find ourselves invited by the stationed personnel, Maizi, to come inside and rest for a bit.

Just as we step inside, a dense mass of sand and stones outside the window surges forward, closing in rapidly.

The sandstorm has begun.

Thoughts of how an entire kingdom was once buried under this very sand spring to mind, and an instinctive fear begins to loom large within me.

The delicate brick house trembles subtly amidst the raging wind, and at this moment, a crisp sound resounds in my ears.

Several pairs of shimmering gold-plated earrings illuminate my dusky field of view. Taking note of my reaction, Maizi places them in front of me.

Maizi: Don’t be scared. Here, we’ve been wearing these kinds of earrings since childhood. They’re like protective charms for children in the desert.

As Maizi speaks, she turns slightly and shows me her earrings. The luster has dimmed a touch, suggesting she’s been wearing them for a long time.

Maizi: These are the ones I made for my kids. If you don’t mind, would you guys like to choose two pairs?

MC: Thank you, but it’s alright.

With a hint of bashfulness, I gesture with my hand and point at Victor’s ears.

MC: Besides, my boyfriend doesn’t have ear piercings.

Maizi: It’s no problem. My eldest son doesn’t have ear piercings either.

With a smile, Maizi offers me a pair of clip-on earrings.

Maizi: Consider them as a wish for your safety and well-being. Take them.

—

As the sandstorm eases up, not wanting to impose any longer, we say our goodbyes and ultimately accept the two pairs of earrings before returning to the RV.

Perhaps due to how terrifyingly unnerving the sandstorm was, Victor doesn’t refuse when I offer to help him wear the clip-on earrings after he’s put the earrings on me.

I take up the clip-on earring and carefully trace my finger over his earlobe to figure out its placement. However, after spending a good amount of time, I still don’t find the ideal position I’m entirely satisfied with.

Victor: Still not done?

MC: Have a little patience. I don’t seem to recall rushing you when you gifted me earrings for the first time~

–

[Tidbits]: AHHH YESSS the call back to their first “kiss” kiss date– “Dazzling Date” 🥺

–

At long last, I find the right spot and fasten the clip. Following this, I can’t help myself and imitate the past actions in my memories, gently cradling his face and leaning in to take a closer look.

The glistening golden pieces dance softly. However, in the next second, a subtle blush at the corner of his eyes captures my attention.

Seeing this, I mischievously continue leaning closer and closer to him. As I catch a momentary hitch in his steady breathing, I deliberately reach out to stroke his earlobe.

MC: Oh gosh, could you be allergic to metal? The corners of your eyes have turned red. Maybe I should take them off…

Before the words fully leave my mouth, I find myself abruptly pulled into his arms.

Victor: They’re on just fine, don’t mess with them.

His arms tighten around me a little more, and I obediently nestle into his embrace, letting the cocoon of safety enfold me.

The swirling underlying tension caused by the dreadful weather finally dissipates, akin to feathers drifting in the air. As drowsiness slowly sweeps over me, I register the sound of my last question being put into words.

MC: Victor, what if we can’t find the remains? What should we do then?

Victor: If we don’t find them this time, we will come back next time.

—

•─────⋅◍♡◍⋅─────•

—

【Chapter 3】

[Anika’s Notes]: While I’ll talk about this later, just wanted to say— that the way we get a mere glimpse into how extreme level of PTSD this man has given MC from the main story like— I’m counting fingers for the number of times she got nightmares when he isn’t next to her— (⁠〒⁠﹏⁠〒⁠)

—

A man sits in solitude beneath the palace walls, gazing towards the east for a long, long time.

He has probably repeated the act of carving a million times before. It seems as if the carving knife in his hand has a soul of its own now, each stroke finding its mark with precision, etching deep scars.

Fresh blood trickles down along the blade’s edge, staining the rose with a blood-red hue. Yet, he appears unresponsive to the pain, persistently carving stroke after stroke.

Only when the red headscarf is lifted by the wind does a familiar face emerge before my eyes.

MC: Victor!

I reach out in a panic to touch him, but a sudden onslaught of sand and wind surges forth, engulfing him in the blink of an eye.

–

Startled awake from the nightmare, I instinctively reach my hand to my side, only to find nothing but an empty space.

Victor is not in the car.

Amidst the boundless silence, a distant chime of camel bells suddenly reaches me. Compelled by the sound, I push open the car door––

The sandstorm has ceased at some point, revealing a sky that’s now crystal clear and brilliantly bright.

The curtain of dusk hangs low, but the luminous moon has already ascended in the vault of the heavens, radiating its brilliance alongside the sun.

Among the endless sand dunes, Victor, attired in exquisite garments, guides a pure white camel through the terrain, advancing his way through the light.

Stretching behind him, across the infinite expanse of Lop Desert, stands several silent, solitary, and enigmatic remnants of ancient civilizations.

The breeze dances by, causing his knuckles to gently clasp the upper garment brushing against his grave and stern visage, setting the accessories on his splendid attire to chime with delicate, tinkling sounds.

Perhaps dazzled by the light, he squints his slender eyes and immediately spots my presence. He appears slightly taken aback, but then quickens his stride as he approaches my direction.

In the boundless landscape, with each step he takes toward me, I feel as if he is crossing through a thousand years to reach me.

The scene from the dream resurfaces in my mind once again, and before I can even fully comprehend it, I’m already sprinting toward him with large strides.

I practically crash into his arms.

Victor: [breathes sharply]  Running so fast––

Seeing that I’m breathless and staring fixedly at him without even blinking my eyes, he freezes for a moment. Then, as if realizing something, he envelops me in his arms.

Victor: The Luolan ruins we are heading to are in that direction. We can’t drive there, so I borrowed a camel from Maizi for transportation. 

Victor: It was released to wander in the desert, and I needed to go and guide it back myself. You seemed to be sleeping so soundly, so I didn’t wake you up.

His words are extremely slowed, spoken one at a time. Listening to him, rather than an explanation, it sounds more like he is comforting me.

MC: You weren’t here just now and… I had this strange dream.

With his questioning eyes upon me, I feel compelled to respond honestly.

MC: I dreamt that you turned into the Prince of Loulan and were swept away by the sand...

Victor: [sighs with infinite indulgence and helplessness]  …

MC: You find this amusing?

Hearing my grumbling, he finally can’t hold back a muffled chuckle, drawing his arms around me a little tighter.

Victor: Have you confirmed it now?  – that I haven’t been swept away by the sand?

MC: Who knows, maybe you had gotten swept away! And it was this camel that rescued you and brought you back.

I huff angrily and bicker with him, effectively dispelling the uneasiness that the nightmare had triggered.

However, the camel seems to have caught on something, suddenly swaying its head and coming closer to me.

Momentarily taken aback, I then laugh in spite of myself and reach out to pat it. This gesture seems to act as a signal of some sort, prompting it to obediently lower itself to the ground.

MC: Huh, could it be that I have a natural talent for taming camels?

Victor: It’s more likely a stroke of luck.

As he speaks, he nimbly mounts the camel’s saddle and reaches out to hug me, lifting me up onto it alongside him.

The camel stands up in due course and suddenly leaps into the air, prompting me to let out a subconscious cry of exclamation.

MC: Whoa!

Victor: Hold onto me firmly and sit tight.

After he tugs on the reins, the camel pivots to change its direction and heads toward the ruins.

Probably due to Victor’s presence, I swiftly adapt to the bumpy ride. I even begin swaying my ornaments to create a pleasant sound, echoing in harmony with the camel’s bells.

MC: I feel like I’m a dancer being offered to the Prince of Luolan~

Victor: How come I’m not aware of any dynasty where a prince would rush out of the palace to welcome a dancer?

His teasing leaves me momentarily dumbfounded. It takes me quite a while before I open my mouth to speak, unwilling to resign myself.

MC: I never said the Prince of Luolan is you.

For an instant, Victor seems to stiffen up. When he speaks again, his tone takes on a slight rigidity.

Victor: [sulking] Who is he, then?

MC: …that’s not the important point!

MC: The important point is that you’re the Mr. Husband of my dreams– whom I’ve long set my heart on, and now you’re stealing me away to elope.

Victor: Childish.

A gentle tap lands on my head, and as I tilt my head up, I find myself ensnared by the light of his tender eyes.

MC: You clearly look really happy~

He doesn’t banter any further and only gives a tug on the reins, prompting the camel’s steps to become a bit brisker.

Receding into the distance amid the boundless expanse swept by the northern breeze, the glory and decline, the prosperity and withering of ancient Luolan have long frozen into eternal slumber.

MC: How wonderful!

Victor: What’s got you so moved again?

MC: The weather has cleared, which is wonderful. We’re heading to the ruins without any hiccups, which is also wonderful. But the most wonderful thing is having you by my side, chatting about all sorts of nonsense.

MC: No matter what, everything is wonderful as long as Victor is around.

The jingling tinkle of camel bells accompanies his gentle laughter close to my ears.

Victor: It’s only possible with a certain dummy around.

As the outlines of the ruins become distinct, I turn my head back in exhilaration.

MC: Even if I have to turn this place upside down, I’ll find that stone-carved rose!

His gaze lingers briefly on my arms waving around in excitement, and then he arches an eyebrow.

Victor: It appears crucial for me to remind you that you signed agreements for the preservation of cultural relics. If you do turn this place upside down––

Victor: I won’t be able to save you, even if I were to sell LFG.

—

•─────⋅◍♡◍⋅─────•

—

【Chapter 4】

MC: …it’s all completely weathered away.

As I look at the historical ruins of the ancient kingdom before my eyes, which have gradually been devoured into nothingness by the endless expanse of yellow sand, I can’t resist pouting my lips.

MC: Locating the ruins of the imperial palace itself is akin to a far-fetched tale, let alone finding the stone-carved rose.

Victor: Why are you so hung up on that legend?

MC: Just a bit of anticipation, you know. After all, you see, If I were in that position, I’d surely leave behind some traces for you.

MC: The speculation is that the woman in the tales possessed an Evol similar to yours, which led her to go there. But, due to certain factors, she had no choice but to leave.

Victor: It won’t be the same.

He softly counters my statement, his gaze filled with seriousness.

MC: Hm?

Victor: With me, those factors you mentioned won’t come into existence.

A warm and fuzzy feeling suddenly envelopes my heart. I grin, drawing closer to him.

MC: Guess there’s no way around it. It seems I have no choice but to concede that the legend is, indeed, bogus.

He pauses for a moment, and his lips twitch. But in the end, he doesn’t say anything. Soon, a glimmer of a smile sparkles in his eyes, and immediately after, he tightly clasps my hand.

—

While I’m still in the midst of my puzzlement, a sudden glaring sunlight makes me reflexively squint my eyes. And then, a hot and humid breeze, carrying an exotic fragrance, hits me in the next moment.

After struggling to open my eyes, I curiously peer in the direction of the light, only to find myself frozen right where I’m standing––

Before my eyes lay a quaint-style courtyard adorned with fragrant blossoms. A flowing river winds its way through, its glistening waves reflecting in the sunlight with water that is clear and pristine, hosting schools of fish swimming within.

Compared to me who is filled with utter incredulity, Victor’s expression remains unchanged as if the current sight before us holds no element of astonishment for him.

Could this be a mirage? Puzzled, I gingerly brush the river’s water with the tips of my toes. The cool sensation of the flowing stream leaves me bewildered, prompting me to lift my gaze to the person next to me.

MC: Victor, am I dreaming again?

Victor: Just earlier, didn’t a certain someone say that she wanted me to take her away to elope?

He smiles as he looks at me, and in his eyes, the magnificent beauty and grand scenery of an ancient landscape are reflected.

The lofty dome of the circular palace hall is embellished with ceramic glazed tiles on its overhanging eaves, each detail unmistakably declaring the opulent and prestigious nature of this place.

Atop the roof stands a wooden pagoda reminiscent of those unique to ancient Luolan, and a lush canopy of greenery veils the gray-red palace walls I’ve seen in the drama.

A somewhat daring conjecture surfaces in my mind.

MC: This wouldn’t be the Imperial Palace of Luolan, is it?

Seeing the originator of all this noncommittally raise an eyebrow, I feel my heart tighten and rush to examine him thoroughly, circling around him.

MC: [anxiously, PTSD x2]  A-are you feeling any discomfort?

Victor: [?? laughs helplessly. *screams* DO YOU SEE HOW BADLY YOU GAVE HER AND US MAIN STORY PTSD––] Dummy. I’m not that fragile.

Victor: As long as we manage to sidestep the butterfly effect and avoid impacting the course of history––

Probably noticing that I’m tensely staring into his eyes again, he slips my restless hand into his palm and gives it a gentle squeeze.

Victor: Don’t be so anxious. There won’t be anyone else here for the time being.

Hearing him say this, I poke my head out and gaze at the rare and magnificent view that lay before me.

MC: So, can we take photos?

Victor: Ask your phone.

But I soon realize that my phone is entirely frozen on the lock screen interface and is refusing to respond whatsoever, leaving me with no choice but to resentfully lower my hand.

MC: The phone says it’s not possible…

Victor: That being the case, simply keep your eyes wide open and commit it to your memory.

I let him lead me toward the depths of the courtyard, and along the way, we see the flowers bloom all the more luxuriantly. Unwittingly, I find myself mesmerized by the vista.

It’s not until a glazed table adorned with delicacies and fine wines appears amidst the blossoms that I stop in my tracks in astonishment.

–– Everything unfolding before my eyes is gradually starting to align with the scenes from the time-travel drama in my memories.

MC: It turns out that the drama is actually so detailed. It seems that I, who diligently watched every episode without exception, am about to become a walking encyclopedia of Luolan––

From the garden on the other side of the wall, there suddenly comes voices of conversation. I hastily hush and excitedly prick up my ears to listen to their dispute.

However, all that reaches my ears are unfamiliar and garbled sounds, and soon I start feeling my head beginning to spin a little. Once the women have walked farther away, I find I’m already frowning without even realizing it.

Victor: Looks like a certain encyclopedia trained through time-travel dramas is really just a half-filled bucket of water sloshing around.

MC: Says who!

–

[Anika’s tidbits]: HAHA as you guys know, I’ve long stopped explaining the thousands of idioms and intricate phrases Li Zeyan writers use unless they’re absolutely necessary/ crucial– or else my translation notes would be bigger than the content itself LOL– and this is one of those and it’s one of my favs 😂 the full idiom phrase is “一桶水不响， 半桶水晃荡” – it literally means while a full bucket of water doesn’t make noise as it is heavy and stable, a half-filled bucket sloshes around– i.e. those wisest among us prefer being quiet and are self-confident, while those who are in the less wise/ smarter group often try to compensate their lack of knowledge/ understanding by asserting that they do~ 💀

–

Displeased with his jest, I swiftly focus my gaze on a copper utensil.

MC: Believe it or not, this was designed for storing spices, and it’s a very rare and expensive item.

I open the lid as I speak, and sure enough, a strong and fragrant aroma assails my nostrils. I can’t help but lift my chin complacently.

Victor: [laughs indulgently]  Alright, I underestimated a certain dummy.

I vaguely feel that the aroma is somewhat familiar, so I lean in to take a whiff, and a powerful fragrance of mugwort instantly invades the tip of my nose.

MC: [sneezes]  Ah-choo!

I rub my nose and look up, only to find that I have blown most of the scented powder onto Victor’s body, causing his figure to be coated with a drizzle of white.

The next second, he narrows his eyes and swiftly scoops me behind him. The smell of bone-chilling danger subtly spreads through the air.

MC: You’re not angry–��?

Victor: Hush.

Looking in the direction of his gaze, I instantly become dumbstruck where I’m standing.

A massive leopard is peering at us from beneath the poplar tree, its face obscured by the shade of the tree, its pupils gleaming with an eerie and chilly light.

MC: L-Leopard…

Victor: [smiling]  I’m familiar with it.

Despite being faced with a ferocious beast, this man actually still has the mood to crack jokes!

MC: But according to historical accounts, this should be one of those leopards raised in captivity by the royals and aristocrats. It’s probably quite docile… it wouldn’t eat us, right?

Victor: [still smiling]  Being raised in captivity doesn’t mean it has lost its ability to hunt.

Seeing the leopard arch its back, fear grips me so hard that I cling tightly to his arm.

MC: Do we still have a chance to slip away secretly?

Victor: [still smiling]  We’ve already made direct eye contact within its territory. Stay calm for now.

Pressing my hand against my wildly thudding heart, I raise my gaze to see it take a whiff of the air and then proceed to saunter leisurely in our direction.

After a while, it approaches Victor and sniffs gently. My heart leaps to my throat, but leaving me stupefied, it actually lays down, its shape reminiscent of a fluffy cushion. It even nuzzles him affectionately with its head.

What follows is a fuzzy ticklish sensation, and I stare in startled shock as the leopard’s tail merrily swishes against my lower leg.

MC: …didn’t we just make eye contact with it? Yet you’ve actually managed to tame it?

I cast an incredulous glance at Victor, while he is staring at the incense burner with furrowed brows.

Victor: This scented powder probably isn’t intended for human application.

The enormous creature rolls over, laying bare its soft belly, exceedingly similar to the way Pudding behaves coquettishly after sucking on catnip.

Victor: It might not necessarily be us who drew it here. This fragrance is not just on me.

It’s only now that I realize a subtle aroma of mugwort is also lingering in the air. Following the fragrance, my eyes land on one side of the path lined with densely grown nepeta herbs. I immediately heave a sigh of relief.

At this moment, the leopard flexes its limbs in an inviting gesture, signaling for Victor to pet it. As I watch his rare expression of being at a loss for what to do, I can’t help but break into laughter.

Victor: [laughs helplessly]  …look at what good deed you’ve done!

MC: Being approached by an imperial leopard is a rare blessing that can never be obtained even if one beseeched it.

–

[Anika’s tidbits]: ANOTHER ONE OF MY MOST FAV PHRASES EVER! The term MC uses here is 求都求不来 (qiu dui qui bu lai), which is a play on this phrase: 可遇不可求 (ke yu bu ke qui), which means “can only be obtained (serendipitously) but not be sought after” – which paints the perfect imagery for “destiny, sth/sb being destined for someone”~ and a very important thing to note, which I’ll come back to later. 🥺 

–

Likely attributed to my overly bright gloating, Victor curls his fingers as he pinches up a small amount of the scented powder, which he then dabs on my face.

Sure enough, the leopard turns around and nuzzles against me. Seeing that I’m not putting up any resistance, it then straightens itself up and buries me completely in its soft fur.

MC: …ngh, Victor! Save me!

Victor: Nope. This “rare blessing that can never be obtained even if one beseeched it” is now being given to you.

Nudged by the leopard, I’m prompted to draw a few steps back, and as I let out a startled cry and tumble backward, I find myself landing in a soft embrace.

Amused, Victor pats the leopard on the head, and it obediently sits back down on the ground, reminiscent of a docile house kitten.

–

Even as he enfolds me in his arms and sits us both down on the grassy lawn, I remain a bit indignant.

MC: Why does it only listen to you! We both clearly have the same scent.

At this moment, I happen to glimpse at the golden silk embroidery on his clothes shimmering in the sunlight. I then contemplatively look at my own dress, which is somewhat plain.

Victor: You don’t think it’s because of the clothes, do you?

MC: …who can say, perhaps its owner has clothes identical to yours.

Victor: Well, a certain someone must be thinking to herself, “Had I known earlier, I would’ve chosen a fancy princess gown for myself.”

Seeing me choked silly by his spot-on guess of my thoughts, he studies me with even more and more interest.

Victor: [IN THE MOST DOTING AND ADORABLE VOICE EVER]  But however you slice it, a certain dummy still looks like a certain dummy.

Disgruntled, I lean closer to the water’s surface to check my reflection. A pouty face suddenly jumps out at me, which indeed is in disharmony with the dancer’s attire.

However, when I turn around and notice the wine cups on the table, an idea immediately strikes me.

I pick up a cup and lean in to bring it to his lips, working hard to make my voice sound soft and enticing as I speak.

MC: Your Highness~

He pauses for a brief moment, almost imperceptibly, before swiftly locking eyes with me.

Victor: There’s no wine in the cup.

MC: …you spoilsport!

Huffing, I sit up straight from his arms and shoot him a glare.

MC: Isn’t it because I’m afraid that if I spill the wine just like I sneezed earlier, it could result in altering the details of the history!

Victor, however, lightly quirks the corners of his lips, pours the glass to the brim with wine, and once again draws me closer to his side.

Victor: What did you want to do to me? Go on.

MC: You…

Before I can fully comprehend why he is being so cooperative at this moment, I feel a gentle force gripping my chin up.

I find myself falling into those serenely deep and unceasingly approaching pupils, and my breathing becomes rapid, beyond my control.

Victor: Weren’t you quite bold just a moment ago?

Victor: Seeing how you’re being so tentative like this, do you want me to teach you how one should drink this wine?

My slightly trembling hand is gently lifted by him with an irresistible force, and the small wine cup is soon raised to the level of my eyebrows and then even higher.

His fingers trace a slow path from my wrist to the palm of my hand, making the wine in the cup ripple, mirroring the swaying of my heart in tandem.

Just as his waywardly mischievous fingers are about to enter between the crevices of mine, he applies a slight pressure. The teetering fine liquid finally spills out, and the cool sensation quietly trickles down my forearm.

Along with the soft sensation, a rush of warmth suddenly washes over me. I stare wide-eyed, completely unguarded, and am rooted to the spot.

That pair of deep eyes, which has been fixed on me all along, makes it clear that he has no intention whatsoever of letting me go.

The scorching tip of his tongue gently licks and sucks on the continuously dripping nectar-like fine liquid, sending a wave of tingling shivers coursing throughout my entire body. 

The incessantly rising, delicate sensation of itchiness makes me a bit restless. I have the urge to escape, yet simultaneously, I can’t help myself from pandering to it.

He looks at me with slightly half-lidded eyes, his lips curling up into a triumphant arc of someone getting their way.

Victor: Have you learned it now, dummy?

MC: !

I suddenly snap back to my senses and hastily pull my hand back, tossing the ceramic glazed cup back onto the table as if I were holding a hot potato.

MC: W-What am I learning this for…

Victor: Clearly, it was a certain someone who started it first––

Before the words even leave his mouth, I notice a skylark swooping down. Seeing this, he swiftly pulls me to the side to dodge.

While I’m still amidst my puzzlement, a black shadow suddenly flashes before my eyes. Much to my astonishment, the leopard has scampered into the air to catch the bird.

“Clang” –– the table is abruptly turned upside down by it, sending fruits and vegetables tumbling and leaving the cups and dishes in a complete disarray.

When I see him calmly looking at the spilled wine, as if he’d already foreseen it, I realize where his confidence in pouring the wine earlier came from.

And also, the uniqueness of this “trip.”

Looking up at this world that doesn’t belong to me, I can’t bear to tear my eyes away from the courtyard blooming with vibrant and luxuriant flowers––

The abounding blossoms of crimson pomegranate adorn the trees, while the light purple clovers form dense clusters, and the red lotus stretches wantonly by the riverbank…

MC: I’m still finding it hard to believe that I’m able to see the ancient Luolan with my own eyes…

Victor: So, have you found what you were searching for?

At his reminder, I belatedly recall the original purpose that I had cast to the back of my mind.

After casting a surveying glance all around, I don’t find that rosy color I was expecting to see and can only gaze at him with a sense of bitterness.

Victor: During this period, roses hadn’t been cultivated yet.

As if he can sense what I’m thinking, he explains in a calm tone.

MC: So that means, the stone-carved rose doesn’t exist either… Since you knew this all along, why did you go through such great pains to bring me here?

Victor: Compared to simply answering you whether the legend is true or false, bringing you here to see for yourself is more just.

Victor: In this boundless universe, there will always be a kind of beauty worthy of a certain dummy’s pure yearning.

Only at this moment do I realize that this voyage across time and space is precisely his answer.

MC: You… don’t you think it was quite naïve of me?

Victor: I do. But it’s also a precious trait of a certain dummy, and I think I can help you maintain it in moderation.

My heart suddenly turns into a mush. I settle my gaze on the edge of his lips before lifting my head and kissing him.

The aroma of wine and fragrance of flowers gradually fade away, and I find myself drenched only in his pleasant scent. Amidst our closely interwoven breaths, time seems to slow to a crawl, stretching ever so slowly.

It’s not until the familiar dryness lingers around the tip of my nose that I slowly open my eyes, slightly gasping for breath. What greets my eyes is the view of the endless sand dunes.

Apt to the occasion, my phone starts vibrating and powers up automatically. Only ten minutes have passed.

I feel as if I have just woken up from a dream. I gaze at Victor in a trance, and the rose-colored kiss mark on his lips enters my field of view, making me unable to help the smile spreading across my face.

MC: It appears I’ve already found the rose from the legend, one that will never wither.

In those eyes, brimming with unending tenderness, I see him lowering himself——

Victor: Then, allow it to bloom for a little while longer.

─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────

[Anika’s Analysis & Ramblings]

twitter thread link: ♡

—

[arlertdarling]

tldr: i’m cancelling my follower event and moving blogs to @junovie. i’m officially back from my ‘break’ but i can’t promise i’ll be frequently active (at least not as much as i used to be), much less that i’ll be writing/posting new works regularly.

i look forward to catching up with you all !! thank you for your support and understanding <3

full original post under the cut

hello!

you may or may not have noticed that i’ve been quite inactive for the last few months or so.

i’m sorry to everyone who has reached out to me in that time — i’m not ignoring you, i’ve just been logged out of this account and staying away from tumblr in general. i plan on getting back to you all privately and individually, but if you could read this post, just so you have an idea of what’s going on, i would really appreciate it! :)

anyway, i have two announcements to make regarding my blog — not bad, but definitely important changes! i’ve been meaning to make them for a while, but only just found the time and courage to go through with them.

there’s also a more in-depth (albeit rambly) explanation to why and where i’ve been gone after the announcements. it’s a little long, so there’s no pressure to read it all if you don’t want to.

my first announcement is that i’m cancelling my 100+ follower event.

...but you probably all saw that one coming lol

i absolutely intended to complete all the requests regardless of how long it took, but it’s been over 7 months now and i no longer see myself ever getting around to them at this point. i feel awful about it, especially because i was so excited about the event and milestone itself, but i just don’t have the motivation to write the rest anymore.

to be transparent, the main thing that affected and eventually halted my work flow entirely is this weird subconscious self-disciplinary rule i had where i was ‘not allowed’ to write anything until i’d finished my old projects. this isn’t an actual rule obviously, but it prevented me from writing new ideas or enjoying writing on this blog/for tumblr as a whole for months. every time i got inspired to write something, i’d remember that i have these obligatory requests to complete first, that it would be selfish and unfair to ‘ignore’ or not prioritise them, that people will be mad at me for not doing so etc, etc.

i’ve luckily stopped thinking this way now, but that’s why i’ve made this decision. i should write for myself and my enjoyment, first and foremost. it shouldn’t be an obligation. it’s not a commission or contractual assignment, it’s a silly online milestone event that i made and can just as easily discontinue should i want to — so that’s what i’ve chosen to do.

thank you to everyone who participated and/or supported the event, it means a lot to me still, and i’m sorry to those whose requests i didn’t manage to write. even with how much time has passed, i still feel shame and embarrassment about how this all turned out, so your acceptance and understanding would be really appreciated.

my next announcement is that i’m moving blogs.

i’m moving to a new account where i have an interaction/personal main blog (@junovie) and my current nsfw writing sideblog. i might make a new sfw one for my other writing shenanigans, but i haven’t made up my mind about that one yet.

it’s nothing serious, i mostly just want a fresh start. this blog has gotten disorganised and messy, and while some people don’t mind or even like it that way, personally i need structure and organisation in order to stay sane, so my plan is to move to a new blog. as for this blog — i might delete it permanently in the future, but for now, i just intend to archive it.

with the announcements out of the way, i just have a few more things i want to talk about.

i’m currently writing this part of the post in march of 2024, but i’ve been considering these changes since around december of 2023, and started drafting this post in january.

in that time, i’ve been mostly logged out of this account (aside from when i would come to add to this post) and keeping tumblr at arm’s length in general for... no reason in particular really? i know many people have had at least one bad experience or two during their time on tumblr, which may have led to them needing a break, but i’ve honestly been lucky enough to never have encountered anything severe personally.

for the most part, i’ve just been focused on my education. i’m at a stage in my life where i have important decisions to be making, paths and passions i want to be pursuing, responsibilities i need to be taking care of... and in comparison, my time for writing on tumblr has dwindled.

on the other hand, this ‘break’ of sorts, away from tumblr, has helped me realise just how much of my time i had been spending on what is really just another silly little social media app on my silly little phone. that’s not to say the people i’ve met and the feelings i’ve experienced aren’t good, valuable or a part of my life, or that the support i’ve received and joy i’ve shared don’t have worth in the bigger picture, because they are, they do, and i’m grateful for them all!! but in retrospect, there were, and are, more important things in my life that require my time, energy and attention [over writing] and that i should have been prioritising sooner. that’s on me for getting essentially addicted and becoming neglectful, and that’s why i needed to step back like i have.

in some ways, i feel a little guilty, because i feel like, i don’t know... like my sudden ‘hiatus’ should have been as a result of some big, crazy life event, or depression or something. and it kind of was [the latter], at the start, but the truth is it’s the opposite now? like, i’ve just been happier these days... but i don’t think it has anything to do with my break from tumblr, at least not in the sense that it makes me unhappy, or the absence of it improves my mental health or whatever. just in the sense that the time i would have spent scrolling or writing, i’ve now been spending doing other hobbies that make me happy, making connections with real life people, reflecting on and learning to love life and myself. i’m far from being where i want to be and i’m definitely still figuring things out, but i feel like i’m better at dividing my time now, and more capable of being on tumblr without it consuming my life force and every waking thought.

so, i’m going to come back, but i’m making no promises that i’ll be frequently active (at least not as much as i used to be), much less that i’ll be writing/posting new works regularly, especially not requests. i’m here just to have fun, be silly, bond with people over stories and fictional characters — and whatever else i may want in the future — but i never want it to feel like a chore or burden again.

even though i feel bad for basically ghosting everyone in my inbox and being inexplicably MIA for like, 3 months, i don’t regret taking this break. i just hope everyone will understand and respect my decisions and the changes to come.

friends/mutuals are welcome to message me if you’re curious about details or concerned or whatever else, but i’ve probably said enough here to answer any questions lol. i look forward to coming back and catching up with you all.

see you guys soon <3

[snowbellewells]

Self Promo Sunday: "Darkness Before Dawn (Leave Hope's Light On)"

This week's Self Promo fic is another older chaptered CS story that I am bringing back “out of the vault” lol ;p.  Though there will certainly be some angst this time around, there is also a happy ending - I promise. This one is a post-Christmas/New Year's themed one, and it takes place between the 4a and 4b timelines of the show (i.e. after the defeat of the Snow Queen, but before Gold returns with the Queens of Darkness) and diverges from there.

Summary: A lovely holiday season has come and gone, and Emma hates to see it end. However, much more pressing concerns quickly take precedence when she and Henry are in a wreck. Now the Savior is fighting for her life, and those who love her can only hope she'll find her way out of the darkness one more time...

*Also available on AO3 and ff.net, if you would prefer...

(I've posted all five parts in this Tumblr post for ease of reading)

by: @snowbellewells

i. prologue

Only three days after Christmas, and Emma Swan finds herself driving Henry back to Regina's where he will stay until New Year's Day. She can't help but feel that the holiday has passed her by in a flash, and she is loath to give up the sense of her first real Christmas with her family, and especially her son, around her. Though she is ridiculously grateful that she and Regina have worked out a schedule agreeable to both of them and Henry; now she is afraid that with Henry gone for several days, all the leftover bits of holiday magic, pure, innocent joy, and the light that might still be lingering, will go with him.

Shaking her head, Emma sighs as she glances across at her son in the passenger seat, lost to the newest app on his iPhone and luckily oblivious to her gloomy thoughts. There is no doubt in her mind that she is being more than a bit silly, but that doesn't make the feeling disappear. Realistically she knows that Regina truly needs Henry right now; he is the one bright spot in a horrible time of loss for the formerly Evil Queen. Emma doesn't want to begrudge the other woman what little joy she can find. Yes, Henry needs to spend the time with his adoptive mother, but Emma still hates to see him go, even for a few days. So much of Emma's life has been spent alone, with no one to care about her, much less be there to share Christmas traditions, and she feels a near-insatiable need to horde the precious moments now that she has them.

It has been more fun that she could have guessed taking Henry to her mom and dad's to help them trim the tree, watching F rosty the Snowman and How the Grinch Stole Christmas , helping Snow bake dozens and dozens of sugar cookies, both to decorate and eat themselves, and then passing the rest out to seemingly everyone in town. She wants to make the warm and jolly December evenings they've spent laughing cozily together last forever, so she will never lose the feeling of being curled up between Killian, whose arm stretches lazily along the back of the couch and over her, and her father, chuckling at Henry as he makes faces to entertain his baby uncle and exclaims over his presents. Emma knows they all felt similar emotions at times, like when her watery eyes met her mother's over the boys' heads and a lump rose in her throat. This year has brought her more of a holiday that she could have ever imagined having a part in as a cynical, unwanted foster child years ago. Killian's arms have tightened around her numerous times in the last few days, and she has known that he understands all too well from the life he had lived. Her father seems to find every possible moment to squeeze her hand in his, as if reminding her that they had always wanted her with them like this.

Without realizing it, Emma lets her mind wander and loses focus for the briefest of instants. It happens so quickly that cause or fault will never be clear. Emma only glances at Henry beside her for a moment; takes her glance off the road no longer that she would need to adjust the heat or the radio volume. Yet, somehow, they hit an unseen patch of black ice on the wintry road, going at full travel speed. The Bug skids, back end fishtailing out one way, and then almost up even with the front, putting the vehicle perpendicular to its original path on the pavement. Emma scrambles to right them, and Henry calls out a warning, but it happens too slowly and isn't enough. Their little yellow car shoots offcourse, seemingly flying from the road and directly into a pole at the shoulder.

Mother's instinct makes Emma's arm dart out in a desperate effort to shield her son, and she feels – with both hope and fear – some of her magical energy leaving her fingertips almost like second nature, in an attempt to protect him. It is the last thing she feels before impact, and then her world goes dark.

ii. the call

"Mom! Mom!" Henry snaps out of the daze he hovered in after the sudden stop and the settling of the car. He can see snowflakes falling thickly through the cracked windshield, and bitterly cold air is filtering in, though he doesn't remember it snowing before they skidded. If his mom had not told him the Snow Queen was dead, and actually hadn't been evil, he would blame the unseen ice and strange drop in temperature while they were vulnerable on her. It doesn't really matter now, but he is still trying to get his bearings and stop his head from spinning. For an odd second or two, it’s like he is in a vacuum; roaring in his ears and dizziness makes him off balance and sluggish, but when his mind clears and he sees his birth mother slumped over the steering wheel, a thin line of blood trickling down the side of her face, eyes closed, not moving, his concern bursts through the haze.

Henry realizes that she must have used her magic to cushion him somehow and didn't have time to do the same for herself. Yet, even as he registers what she has done, the air around him seems to waiver, flicker, and whatever shield she put in place weakens and fades, allowing him to reach beyond it and touch her carefully, worriedly, enough to see that she makes no response.

"Mom…can you hear me?" he tries again. When he still gets no movement or reaction, Henry begins scrabbling around in the seat, then on the floor, until he finds his phone where it has fallen in the confusion. Swiping the screen quickly, Henry calls his other mom, then his Gramps, in rapid succession – once he has gotten an ambulance on its way.

As far as the teen can tell, nothing seems to hurt and he is completely uninjured. The car is caved in clear to the windshield from where it smashed into the pole head-on, but his door isn't blocked. He can get out, but is determined not to leave his mom until help arrives. Whatever Emma did to shield him came at the expense of her own safety, and Henry swallows back both guilt and fear for her at that knowledge. He is momentarily glad to be alone when he feels tears welling in his eyes.

Reaching over the console to grasp his mom's fingers in his, Henry threads them together and forces himself to hope it will all be fine. Her skin feels cold to the touch, and his brow furrows in concern. "Come on, Mom. Hang in there," he murmurs to her fervently, leaning in as though he can assure that she will hear him. "Please."

For some reason, as the silence stretches on and Henry worries more the longer she remains still, he realizes who he has forgotten to call in his anxiety. Killian will have to be told and will be crazed with worry for his mom. How he didn't think to call his mom's boyfriend until now baffles him. Killian will be frantic to get to Emma, to help, to see that she is okay, and he deserves to be with her. Henry genuinely likes the reformed pirate. He has more than earned his place at Emma's side. Hating what he knows it will do to the Captain, Henry also can't put this call off. Dialing once more, the young man waits as he hears the phone ring two, then three, times before Killian Jones picks up, sounding half-confused, half-exasperated at the modern contraption in his hand.

His accent is clear through the wire as he asks, "Henry? What is it, lad? Are you alright?"

"Yes, Captain, I'm fine. Just listen to me, okay?" Henry swallows hard, not sure what to say, how to deliver what he knows will be an awful blow. Yet, one glance at his mom's still, expressionless face, and he knows he has no choice … Killian might even be able to reach her. Henry is no fool. Both sets of his grandparents are True Loves – and he sees something just as deep and strong, if not as clearly understood, between his mom and Killian.

"Aye, lad," the Captain's voice breaks back in to agree. "My apologies. I will simply listen then."

Henry draws in a deep breath. He hates having to put this into words, but then blurts it out in a pained rush, not trailing off until the end. "Mom and I had a wreck. The ambulance is on its way, and they'll help, but Mom hasn't woken up yet. She's hurt, and I thought you should know what was happening. …I'm sorry…"

Drawing in such a sharp breath it sounds like he has taken a physical blow, Killian is stunned by the news. His chest tightens at the mere thought of Emma and Henry in pain or danger, and his mind is already racing to where she is and how quickly he can get there, what he can do. Yet, in the next moment, he knows there is something else he must take care of first. He can tell immediately by the lad's tone that he is already feeling guilt at being alright when Emma is not, and also at having to be the bearer of such awful news. He speaks firmly, and with intent when he responds. "No, lad, none of that. You need not apologize. You did not cause this, and you should not feel sorry at being unharmed. I have no doubt that is how Emma wanted it. Understood?"

Henry nods reluctantly before realizing that Killian can't see him, then manages a begrudging, "Understood."

"Where are you?" Killian asks, already moving around his rented room at Granny's to throw on his coat and grab the grey knitted scarf that Emma had brought him just a few days ago with a gentle smile and concern that he would take a chill. He is already reaching for the door as he adds, "I'm on my way to you, just tell me the direction."

"Head to the hospital – that's where we'll be."

"I will see you there, lad. I'm starting off as we speak."

"Killian," Henry breaks in again, strangely sounding as if he wants to reassure his mom's boyfriend, even though he is the one who has been in the wreck and is sitting beside his unconscious mother, "I know you were there once. Remember, they patched you up, even though you'd been hit by a car. They kept my gramps alive when he would have died for sure in the Enchanted Forest. They kept me stable when I ate the poisoned apple. They'll help Emma too. They have to! She's going to be alright. Just…I'll see you there, okay?"

"Aye, of course, lad," Killian assures, hearing both the pleading note in the boy's voice and the need to have his hope confirmed. The pirate already feels himself growing more frantic every second, wondering just how bad it is, but he can still try to give her boy a bit of comfort before he gives into his own fear. Though he speaks calmly to Henry, the desperate thoughts are already swirling inside his head. 'What if she doesn't wake? ' His beautiful, blunt, brave sheriff-princess, and he might never speak to her again, nor see her lovely green eyes sparkle with mischief. Killian shakes his head roughly, forcing that line of thought away. 'Not again. Not this time. Swan is strong. She will come back to me.' Killian has to believe that he will not suffer the loss of someone else he loves; even his life cannot be so cruel. "I'll be there as fast as I possibly can," he finishes saying to Henry, hoping the boy will be somewhat appeased; it’s all he has to offer.

"Good. Come find Gramps and me when you do, alright? ... And Killian?" Henry's voice fades for a moment, then adds, "You be careful. Mom will need you when she wakes up."

~~~~~000~~~~~~~~000~~~~~~~~~000~~~~~~~~~000~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After hanging up the phone, Henry lets out a breath of relief. Things aren't really any better, but the part he had been dreading is done. He looks back over to Emma, covering her hand with his own still-growing one, trying not to dwell on the chill to her skin. "Killian's on his way. Neither one of us want to lose you, Mom. I know you've had to do it a lot, but keep fighting. Stay with us."

Soon he hears sirens blaring, and then his grandpa peals up behind them in the town's outdated patrol car and runs to the Bug, ambulance wheeling in right behind him. Next thing Henry knows, David is jerking open the door and crushing his grandson to his chest. "Henry! Are you alright?!" he asks, drawing in a sharp breath as he sees his injured daughter over Henry's head. The EMTs are already easing her out of the car and onto a backboard for the trip to the hospital, and all he can really do is clasp Henry to him more tightly and watch. He feels the boy shaking slightly, even as he tries so hard to be strong. As a father, he wants to ask so many questions about his daughter. 'Has she spoken at all?' 'Opened her eyes?' 'What made her lose control of the car?' But he holds back, comforting his daughter's child instead. There is nothing he can do to help beyond that anyway.

Easing Henry out and guiding him with a hand around his shoulders, David ushers his grandson into the cruiser, studiously ignoring the sniffles the teen is trying to hide. He rounds the front of the vehicle, sliding behind the wheel and immediately turning it around to follow the ambulance. Still, he brakes for a moment, making eye contact with Henry and holding it determinedly. "She’s going to be fine. Trust me," he vows, knowing he shouldn't make such a promise, but unable to believe anything else. His daughter has been through so much to find her happy ending; it cannot be taken from her now. He hears Snow's eternally optimistic voice in his head, telling them to keep hoping, and he will not do anything less.

Henry merely nods in acceptance of his words though, and silence settles over them again as they make their way to the hospital.

iii. keeping vigil

Killian Jones cannot turn off the fear that has overtaken his mind – the worries for her, and the feelings of helplessness, that there is nothing he can do for Emma. He spends the whole walk – more run really – to the hospital with his heart in his throat, feeling it trying to choke him, in almost as much agony as when the Crocodile had held the organ and squeezed it in torture. His heart might as well be ash without her.

Unwanted visions of Emma lying pale and cold, as Milah had in death so long ago on the deck of his ship, flit across his brain – vicious waking nightmares that he cannot seem to banish. It pains him that he is already thinking the worst, when he knows he should not. Just as he once told Emma himself, his Swan too is a survivor. She has been proving so her entire life, and certainly as long as he has known her. Still, Killian cannot quell the near-paralyzing fear; he has lost everyone he ever loved, and he will not survive the loss of Emma as well, nor does he wish to.

Upon reaching Storybrooke General, Killian barrels into the ER, searching for Henry and David anxiously, and finding them in hard, plastic chairs in the waiting room to the right. "Henry! Dave!" he calls out, rushing toward them even as he gets their attention. "Have you had any news? How is she? Can we see her?" He does not mean to deluge them with questions, or to seem frantic in front of her worried son and her father, but he must know.

"Easy, Hook," David cautions, reaching out to place a steadying hand on his shoulder, "take a breath. We'll tell you what we know, but it isn't much at this point. We're going to have to wait."

Killian gives a curt nod and does try to draw in a deep, centering breath. He dearly wants to yell at the Prince, to rail at him for his seeming composure and for telling him to wait on word. Emma cannot wait; he needs to reach her. Instead, he forces the words down, blowing out a tense breath, reminding himself that David loves Emma as well, and is trying to help. "Fine," he grits, making his voice as controlled as possible, though still aching for something to hold onto, practically trembling with the effort of holding his body still, to appear calm. "Just please tell me what you know."

David nods, motioning for Killian to take the empty seat between himself and Henry, after moving their coats off it. "Emma's car hit a patch of ice. There didn't seem to be any others on the route they were traveling; it was just a freak chance of nature as far as anyone can tell. It was cold and starting to snow, and it just happened. They were traveling at road speed, so it's really a miracle Henry isn't in worse shape too."

"No miracle," Henry mutters, looking at his shoes forlornly, bitterness in his tone as he interrupts. "She threw her hand up, used her magic on instinct somehow to protect me, and she let herself get hurt."

Realization dawns on the Prince's face, as if he completely understands something that had been puzzling him. He doesn't comment on his thoughts though, instead moves as if to get up and embrace Henry. Killian jumps in first, getting Henry's attention and making sure the teen is looking at him. "Henry, what did I tell you on the phone? You can't blame yourself. Emma loves you more than anyone else in this world. She would never want to see you hurt if she could prevent it. There is no shame in that. She is your mother and will feel that way whether you are 13 or 33. She would not want you burdened by this, that I know."

"Hook's right," David seconds, making sure that his grandson knows no one believes Henry could or should have done anything more than he has.

Henry doesn't speak to agree or argue, but he seems less angry at any rate, and Killian's worry finally urges him to ask David to continue with his news of Emma.

Sighing, David does as he requests. "Regardless, Emma sustained a serious blow to the head, most probably from the dashboard, on impact. She almost certainly has a concussion, and she hasn't shown any signs of regaining consciousness. They have her in a private room under observation, monitoring to make sure she doesn't develop any subdural hematoma that puts undue pressure on the brain. If that happens, they will have to go in to surgically relieve it…" The Prince's face is grim as he tries to explain what he has been told, and Killian does not like the troubled expression the royal's eyes take on.

"Let us hope it does not come to that, mate," he offers awkwardly, not sure how else to provide comfort.

They sit in silence for a time, until Regina arrives. She and Henry leave to walk elsewhere in the hospital for a bit. Killian is honestly glad that Queen is here; she loves Henry dearly, and has raised him. She knows as well as anyone could what to do for him and what to say to him in this situation.

He clears his throat once they are alone and asks, "Is anything else being done for her? Can we see her? Sit with her? Anything?"

David shakes his head, trying to dissuade Killian before he goes up against the doctors and the hospital itself. "Right now, they aren't letting anyone in. She needs to be in a quiet, non-stimulating environment. When the doctor spoke to me, they didn't even want her to have visitors. After that, Dr. Whale assured me he would see what they could do. He said that her pulse was slow and a bit thready, while her blood pressure was up, and that her pupils were somewhat unequal in size. Both are concerns if she doesn't wake soon, and could indicate her unconsciousness deepening."

Thankfully, David pauses to draw breath and let that much settle in. Killian honestly does not know how much more he can stand, picturing Emma alone and helpless in such a fragile state. He wishes to be at her side, even if merely to hold her hand. She might have no awareness of him at all, but if there is any part of her which senses that she is alone, he would rather believe that she could sense if he were near as well. Killian knows that Emma's father is about to finish giving him what information he has, and is steeling himself for it, when they are interrupted by Regina and Henry's return and the arrival a few moments later of a harried-looking Dr. Whale.

"Any news on Miss Swan?" Regina asks brusquely of the doctor, cutting across both Emma's love and her father. Her voice sounds sharp and matter of fact, but Killian senses more care under the surface than he imagines Regina intends to show. She may be here for Henry's benefit most, but over time the Captain has seen her come to hold a grudging respect for his tough, no-nonsense Swan. They are qualities the former mayor has as well, and appreciates in others.

Whale looks startled by this new person firing questions at him, but as the prince does not seem to object, he answers anyway. "Not much has changed since I spoke with you last. Ms. Swan has withstood a significant blow to the head and is dealing with a concussion as a result. Her unconsciousness is a serious issue and must be monitored, but is not uncommon with this sort of injury. As long as her pulse returns to normal and her other vital signs remain stable, we are cautiously optimistic that she will wake once her body has had time to recover. If she remains unconscious through the night, we will make sure she is equipped to receive adequate nutrition intravenously in the morning. She will also need to be watched for respiratory difficulty or inability to swallow. However, we will deal with those issues if they arise. In the meantime, I am prepared to allow one visitor at a time, as long as each visitor remains quiet and calm."

Emma's four gathered visitors assure him that they understand all he has said and will abide by his orders; then they are led to the room where Emma rests. Killian is more than willing to allow Swan's father and her boy to each take their turns before him; he is so relieved to see her at all. Besides, once he reaches her side again, he has no intention of leaving.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~000~~~~~~~~~~~~~~000~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~000~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nearly two hours have passed when Killian Jones is finally allowed to slip into the silent room Emma occupies and be near her at last. It is nearing 9 o'clock in the evening, and he knows he could not have stood being kept from her much longer. David has gone home to update and reassure Snow, who had stayed with the baby, and all three of them will be back bright and early in the morning. Henry has left as well, with Regina only minutes ago, surprising Killian by wrapping his skinny arms around the pirate's waist in a tight, wordless grasp and furtively wiping a silent tear from his face as he pulled away. "Take care of her, Captain," he had murmured lowly, making Killian aware that the lad knew his intention not to leave her.

"Aye, lad," he had responded in a voice equally low. "Have no doubt of that."

Moving across the room dimly washed in the moon's glow through the blinds, he tentatively reaches Emma and looks down on her before sinking into the chair nearby. For a moment, words are lost to him as he wonders how to reach her. He studies her beautiful, pale features, unable to stop gazing on her as his hand comes up to lightly trace over her cheek.

Speech seems pointless in the stillness of the room and her unflinching slumber. He only wants Emma to know that she is not alone, that she is loved, that he would do anything to bring her back. Bending to place a kiss upon her brow, Killian only whispers, "Darling, if you can hear me…please come back to us, Love. I need you. Your boy needs you. I promise…I will be right here when you wake." He threads his fingers with hers, leaning over the bed rail to keep his face even with hers, to watch in hopes of seeing her eyes flutter open again.

And so he begins the vigil he will keep, no matter how long, until she returns to him.

iv. drifting

Unbeknownst to Emma Swan, New Year's Eve dawns clear and bright, a brittle chill in the air, but a piercing sunlit sky overhead as well. Her son, her family, and her devoted pirate captain have all been waiting, watching, hoping she will wake, wishing each time a new sun rises that her eyes will open to see it and return to them. With a little one at home, David and Snow take turns visiting the hospital in the morning and afternoon while the other stays home with the young prince. As they do everything, the two royals work it out seamlessly between them, an unbreakable team. They set a routine of arriving at 7:00 a.m. – coffee and doughnut in hand for Killian – and never fail to carry on hoping, letting not a single moment of weakness show or a second of doubt that any day now their daughter will be awake to return their morning greeting.

Killian has not left Emma's side since he was allowed in her room that first night. One determined night shift nurse had attempted to shoo him out at midnight, but the words had died on her lips as she entered to find him seated at the sheriff's bedside – silent as stone, fingers of his one good hand tangled with hers, hook resting on the covers where the metal gleamed sharply in the dim light. He had raised a dark brow in questioning challenge, but had not moved or made a sound. No direct threat had been uttered, but it was clear he was not going anywhere without a fight, and from then on they had allowed him to remain.

Regina brings Henry faithfully as well, timing it so that Emma and Killian are not alone long after whichever of her parents has made the afternoon visit is gone. In truth, Killian is grateful for the company. He can only sit so long talking to Emma with no response – no twinkle of her laughing eyes, no sassy comebacks for his best witty flirtations – without wanting to beg her to return, to collapse to his knees, to give into the tide of despair he feels hovering in the back of his consciousness as each day and then night goes by with no change in her.

An IV has been put in, to get fluids and nutrients to her, and though he knows it was necessary, Killian feels a sense of nausea climb up his throat at the thought of her being so helpless, how much she would hate not even being able to feed herself or take a drink of water. His Swan is stubborn to a fault, not willing to give up an inch, wanting to handle all that life throws at her with her own strength and her own two hands. If she were aware of what was going on around her, it would be driving her mad. What really sends him over the edge though is the confirmation that she truly is not present with him; she doesn't know what is happening around her and she can't do it for herself. He continually has to push down the fear that she will not ever again.

After the first two days, it is determined that there is no further swelling or dangerous intracranial pressure. Continued observation reveals Emma's pulse and blood pressure regulating back to normal and her pupils' return to near equal size. Each note is received gratefully by her loved ones, but Emma remains in her distant, suspended state. Dr. Whale tries to caution them all that the brain has its own way and time frame for healing. They need to stay positive, keep visiting and talking to her. He assures them that he has no indication she will not come out of her coma once her body is fully healed and ready, but he also cannot explain to them why it has not already occurred.

A feeding tube is mentioned on the night Emma has been in the hospital a week, and Killian is more relieved than words can say when her father protests rather strongly, asking them to give her a day or two more to wake up before taking that step. The process would not have driven Killian away; he would have been there at her side, squeezing her hand in his, trying to offer her comfort whether Emma was aware of it or not, but seeing plastic tubing forced down his love's throat while she is unaware and can't fight back or speak for herself on the matter – even if it is meant to help her – seems somehow cruel and barbaric to him. Killian honestly is not sure he has the resolve to stand by and allow it without falling apart, much less to be present and watch.

Gradually, with his extended constant presence, the former pirate has grown on Emma's two regular nurses. Though both the day and night nurses had been disapproving at first of this dark, forbidding man disregarding all their rules and haunting their halls, his obvious devotion, his desire to do anything he could to help, and his charming nature had won them over. The day nurse now greets him as she arrives each morning, giving him a maternal smile and encouraging his hope by asking if there has been any change in Emma over the night. The night nurse has more than once covered him with a blanket upon her arrival, finding him asleep in the chair right next to Emma's bed. She cannot help but admire a man who loves that deeply and holds on so tightly; she finds herself anxiously awaiting their little town's sheriff waking to see who she has in her corner.

As Emma's unconsciousness stretches beyond a week, and then two, the hospital staff watches more carefully than ever for respiratory distress. Due to her inability to swallow, they begin suctioning her mouth and trachea when necessary, wanting to prevent any chance of aspiration. After failing to get Killian to leave while the procedure is accomplished, they show him how Emma must first be turned to lie on her side, and he then gently holds her in place while they carry out their task. Emma's pirate remains undeterred by anything she needs from him, only wanting to aid in her comfort, to do anything that might help, might keep her safe until she returns to them. His hands are steadying on her shoulders; he can tell that even unawares the suctioning must cause discomfort from the crinkle that forms between her brows, which he lovingly smoothes with a tender touch. He aches to take the distress from her, and so he watches over her religiously, brushing her hair back from her clammy forehead, watching for even the tiniest hint of movement.

Once all visitors and staff have cleared out for the night and they are alone again, that is when Killian Jones can do nothing more than pull the blankets back over her, take her hand once more, kiss her palm, and whisper to her. "Come, Love, surely you've had more than enough of this. Open your eyes, Darling…please. I am not giving up on you. I know you can find your way back. You are too stubborn by half to let this beat you. This…cannot…be your end."

It is only then, as darkness falls in the middle of the night, the halls are quiet, and Killian is sure no one will see, that he lets his strength crumble. His weeping is silent and fleeting, but his shoulders shake, unable to throw off the fear that his princess has finally gone where he cannot follow.

~~~~~~000~~~~~~~000~~~~~~~~~~~000~~~~~~~~~~0000~~~~~~~~~~~~

Emma feels as though she is swimming through a hazy dream world, floating unaware and unconcerned by any of the worries, any of the cares that normally tie her down. She feels no pressure, no impending doom from some new villain, no worry over whether she is doing right by her son, spending enough time with her new baby brother and her parents, serving her newfound home as both sheriff and princess the way all expect of her. No sounds disturb the easy quiet surrounding her, wrapping her up like a warm, soft blanket. It almost feels as though she could close her eyes and sleep for hours, days even, and it wouldn't matter at all. There would be nothing to stop her.

As quickly as that thought comes though, her calm is somehow shaken by a tremor of fear. Sleep for days? No one there to notice or worry about her? No sounds, nothing to see, nothing to do? Something isn't right, and on the heels of that realization comes the awareness that she cannot seem to open her eyes to see where she is or what is happening. She cannot make her arms and legs move or respond to her gradually growing distress. Emma wants to open her mouth to cry out, but her lips don't part and no sound escapes. The cozy grey haze that had seemed so comforting mere moments ago has become a thickening fog strangling her and pulling her down into its depths.

A soothing croon breaks through the darkness surrounding her. Emma cannot immediately place the speaker, but she knows instinctively that this is a voice she loves, a voice she feels comforted by amidst the nothingness surrounding her. "Open your eyes, Darling…please…" the lilting voice pleads, and desperately, painstakingly, with every bit of determination and energy she came muster, Emma moves toward that sound – or at least she attempts to. She surfaces from the sea of swirling fog and finally opens her eyes.

v. welcome back, love

Joyous pandemonium is not an exaggeration for the scene in Emma's room just an hour after her waking. Despite Dr. Whale and the nurses' repeated cautions that they are still in a hospital, that the other patients should not be disturbed, and that Emma should not be overexcited after being unconscious for so long, Emma's family can't help their enthusiasm and relief. Henry is unable to cease motion; one moment he practically bounces on the balls of his feet at the foot of her bed, and the next he shuttles forward to hug her again, as tightly as he dares, and then backs away as if afraid he will break her.

For her own part, Emma never wants her son to let go, but she is still dazed and can barely speak around the lump in her throat, so she wordlessly lets him do as he will. She catches Regina's eye over his head more than once, and though the queen only gives her a silent nod of understanding, Emma senses that even her former adversary is relieved at her return. David keeps bringing her water, trying to smuggle snacks to her, and pestering her for anything else she might need which he can fetch. Snow simply stands at her shoulder, looking at her with a teary smile, and bouncing Emma's baby brother gently in her arms. It is more than a bit chaotic after the absolute peace and quiet Emma has been stuck in for so long…and she loves it.

It had been a different matter when she first opened her eyes an hour ago. Relief had flooded through her upon finding Killian there, fingers of his good hand wound up with hers, speaking to her through the quiet dark. Emma had been so glad she was not irrevocably lost in the grey vacuum of her subconscious that it had taken her a few stunned, blinking moments before registering her sailor's motionless shock, and how he could not cease staring at her with wide, disbelieving eyes over tear-streaked, unshaven cheeks - drinking her in as though she might vanish from his sight once more and trying several times to speak before finally stuttering out her name. "Em – Emma? You can hear me?"

She wanted to tease him, to break the tense emotional stakes and make him laugh the hearty, uninhibited guffaw she had only recently learned he possessed. Instinctively though – knowing what he must have gone through if he was sitting there looking as bedraggled as he did while she found herself in a hospital bed – Emma bit back any smart retort on the tip of her tongue and squeezed Killian's hand gently, merely nodding her head in response to his question. She realized just how dry and unused her throat felt anyway; speech seemed a bit more of a challenge than she had expected.

Killian had not seemed at all disappointed by her stillness. The smile that crept over his face at her barest of responses was near blinding and adorably accented by the laugh lines crinkling at the corners of his eyes. Leaning over her, he delicately cradled Emma's face in hand and hook, then kissed her forehead. It might have appeared awkward to an outside observer, but Emma found the gesture immensely comforting. Still gaining her bearings, she swallowed hard, looking up to him for answers.

Her captain seemed to understand, as he always did, what she was thinking. "You've been out for more than two weeks, Swan. And…I will admit…you had me worried." He paused, seeming to need a moment to rein in his own reaction, brushing his fingers through her hair as he did. When he continued, his voice was suspiciously husky. "I must go find your doctor. He will no doubt want to check you over now that you're awake. I shall call your boy and your parents too; they have missed you tremendously."

She nodded her agreement, sensing that Killian hesitated to leave her alone, and gave him an encouraging smile. Secretly, she was thinking how good it felt to wake up to someone looking on her with such love. It was something she had been missing her entire life, and with him, it had been there the whole time – she had only needed to finally see. Twice in the last month, she had nearly lost this; first to Gold's attempt to crush Killian's heart, and now to her accident. Suddenly, Emma was clear on just how much she would be missing without this man in her life, how much she wanted to rest in his adoring gaze every night and wake up to it each morning.

His small upturn of the mouth showed once again that Killian possessed the ability to read at least some small portion of what was on her mind. "I will be but a moment," he assured her as he stood, then leaned back in with a whisper in her ear and teasing glint of white teeth in a happy grin. "Welcome back, Love."

Now, in the midst of the rest of her loved ones, and the night nurse who Emma can immediately see has fallen right under the spell of her pirate's irresistible charm, hugs are flying non-stop, and everyone seems to chatter and laugh at once, both in trying to fill her in on all that she has missed, and back and forth with each other. Emma feels wrapped in a warm, noisy nest of chatter and touch and genuine belonging, and instead of feeling smothered or pressured to respond in the right way, she simply feels happy and grateful to be back.

Killian is still hovering at her elbow. He smiles and nods along with what is said, responds when he is spoken to, but she can tell he is still shaken, still anxiously watching her, making sure she is alright. It is as though he had sat beside her standing guard for so long, fearing she was about to be snatched away from him, that he cannot yet relax and believe the ordeal is over.

As their miniature party breaks up and the rest of the group files out with embraces and promises to return in the morning when she is at last released to go home, Emma finds herself wondering how to comfort him. It was not so long ago that she had been standing frozen in the clock tower, powerless to do anything but watch as the Dark One prepared to kill her pirate. The anguish on his face when their eyes had met in that terrible moment; the corresponding pressure gripping her own chest as his heart was squeezed, and the irrevocable knowledge that Killian was slipping away from her against her will, were still incredibly fresh. The memory haunted her in ways she did not know how to express or assuage. Emma was all too well acquainted with how Killian might be feeling now, but what she didn't know was if she could provide any comfort when she had been the reason for his pain.

"Hey," she whispers, holding out a hand to him, urging her pirate closer to where the bed was raised for her to mostly sit up and interact with her guests more easily, "come here, Captain." Her voice is still a bit hoarse and strained from disuse, but Killian hears it immediately and is at her side almost before she has finished speaking. He had still been at the door from seeing everyone off, but upon her request, he is with her in an instant.

"What is it, Love? Are you in pain? Do you need something?" His hand hovers over her anxiously, smoothing back her hair and brushing over her shoulder, not sure where to settle.

If she doesn't stop him, Emma is pretty sure he will dart away again, off to fetch her something she doesn't even want, when all she needs is him – to draw him close and let him hold her. She isn't sure which one of them needs the contact more, but it has become a desperate necessity. "No! Killian, wait…" she swallows and licks her lips, trying to make her voice sound less scratchy and to gather her nerve. It may be the lingering weakness in her system, leaving her feeling raw and vulnerable, but she finds herself needing to take the leap, to let Killian know he is as important to her as she is to him. "I'm fine. It's just…I just…I need you."

His gaze, as deep and blue as the ocean he loves, depthless and encompassing, warms her as he takes her in, almost as though he cannot believe her confession. "Of course…Emma. Anything you want, I will do. I promise, Darling."

Emma's throat nearly closes up at the glassiness of his eyes and the way his voice goes raspy with feeling. She knows by now that Killian Jones does not make a vow lightly, and her yearning surges even higher at his words. Biting her lip, she reaches to take his hand once more, tugs gently, and pats the space beside her on the mattress, before whispering, "Then come here…please…I need you to hold me. I…I th-thought you were gone…"

The hesitant look on her pirate's face is so worried and careful that it makes Emma want to giggle. If anyone who had known him as the fearsome Captain Hook could see him now, it would be hard to believe he was the same man. Yet, Emma can see the truth; his strength and daring have never faded, nor his dashing looks and unwavering air of command, but the drive and determination which had twisted into hatred and pursuit of revenge were once again fixed on heroism – and his commitment to her. "I don't want to unknowingly do you harm," he says anxiously, while refusing to meet her eyes.

"You won't," she breathes, pleading in her gaze when he finally meets it again, "unless you don't get in here." She gives him a playful wink as further reassurance and scoots over until she lies on her side, facing him with her back against the bedrail. She moves the IV so he won't pull it from her arm accidentally and then watches him and waits.

Heaving a sigh, Killian acquiesces, and though he wants to be sure not to hurt her, she knows he is craving the closeness as well. After shrugging out of his jacket and dropping it on the nearby chair and removing his shoes, he finally clambers gingerly up onto the bed next to her. Stretching full length on his side facing her, Killian leans in, nuzzling his nose gently over hers and kissing her lightly, still chaste and soft, but full of intense care. "Alright now, Swan?" he asks.

"Nearly," she responds a bit breathlessly. She reaches out to curl her fingers around the metal curve of his hook, taking this moment to make clear something he should already know. She is not repulsed by or fearful of his appendage – it is merely an extension of him. Pulling the blunted limb toward her body, Emma rests the arm on her hip, letting the hook wrap around her back. Then, she snuggles closer, fisting her hand in his shirt and burying her face in his warm chest.

They lie together like that for some time, comforted by the quiet closeness, heartbeats fitting to one another's rhythm. Finally, she pulls away just far enough to look him in the eye. Her words are fierce with passion when she speaks again. "I love you, Killian Jones. Don't you ever doubt that again."

He pulls her back, fervently ghosting his response with his lips at her temple. "You must know I feel the same, Emma. My love for you will never change – as long as either of us live."

The kiss that follows soothes both their fraught, churning hearts and finally brings the peace that both of them seek. Emma's hand finds the short hair at the nape of Killian's neck and begins to stroke through the dark strands. Killian's fear and sleepless vigil catch up to him in her embrace, and he soon drifts off to sleep. It isn't long before his warm, solid presence curled around her protectively does the same thing for Emma and she follows him into slumber.

Anyone else in Storybrooke General that night who peeks into Emma Swan's room cannot help but be touched by the sight of the lost princess- savior and her pirate prince finally at home…with each other. Right there for all to see is a vision of two healing souls finally granted a miracle.

Tagging a few who might enjoy (or have never seen this oldie!) : @jennjenn615 @kmomof4 @searchingwardrobes @laschatzi @whimsicallyenchantedrose @jrob64 @apiratewhopines @drowned-dreamer @xarandomdreamx @teamhook @revanmeetra87 @gingerchangeling @gingerpolyglot @tiganasummertree @optomisticgirl @spartanguard @therooksshiningknight @xsajx @bluewildcatfanatic @stahlop @motherkatereloyshipper @statustemporary @booksteaandtoomuchtv @kazoosandfannypacks @zaharadessert @lfh1226-linda @wefoundloveunderthelight @mie779 @winterbaby89 @hollyethecurious @bdevereaux @justanother-unluckysoul @elizabeethan @the-darkdragonfly @donteattheappleshook @ilovemesomekillianjones @thislassishooked @grimmswan

[deepestbluesky]

i was tagged by @minnarr to list my 5 favorite fics i've written! it's actually very funny to me, because i saw one of these posts yesterday from a writer i like very much who i've followed for ages, and then i got tagged today, and i realized the connecting thread is literally just one person in between. anyway!

note: in case you haven't looked closely at my ao3 page (or. not closely tbh. to my eternal regret, it's still my top fandom), i used to write hockey rpf. i don't anymore, because i think hockey and especially the nhl is morally bankrupt and actively harmful, and i no longer feel comfortable writing about nhl players or sharing fic about them. this is all to say: 1, i actually don't think i've explicitly said that before and it's important to me, and 2, i will not mention any fics from this fandom.

LUCKILY, i've somehow???? written a lot????? since then????? this continues to baffle me. how did i get here. (🎶letting the days go by🎶) (if you think, gee, did sky have trouble picking 5 fics? it has been fully half an hour and i'm still at 11 fics. the lengths i go to for tumblr posts that don't matter.) (have now picked fics, didn't take much longer bc i decided to try and go for a wide spread of fandoms, and also to pick the ones in that 11-fic list that had the lowest kudos lol)

give thanks to the broken bones. this is a batfam fic in which bruce wayne gets kidnapped as a civilian and dick grayson comes to rescue him. i have some defensive feelings about this and about the way dick and bruce's relationship is written here, but i often feel like i'm not great at writing complicated relationships that aren't just fluffy, and i feel like i nailed it here. also: gen fics.

tired of waiting for tomorrow to come. another batfam fic! this one a character study of sorts about jason todd and also my love letter about bruce springsteen's music. it's one of the most self-indulgent fics i've ever written and i'm really satisfied with it, even tho there are definitely things i wish i'd done differently too. i wrote a dvd commentary companion too so if you want Even More Of My Thoughts about it, they are on ao3 :D

daydreamers please wake up. there are goddamn NINE fics for this fucking fandom and mine is the LONGEST??? this is a fic for another dc comic, Far Sector, written by nk jemisin and drawn by jamal campbell. i loved far sector, i think it's gorgeous and fun and a cool sci fi story with very fun characters, and so when i had a chance to write a fic for it for yuletide, i was DELIGHTED. and then i realized i had to figure out how to write horror for the first time. it was a lot of work and i think it turned out really well.

don't let the stars get you down. this is a fic for the untamed, and it's jiang yanli and jin zixuan. i have now written TWO platonic marriage fics for the untamed, and i'm personally thrilled about this fact. this one is shorter but also, in some ways, more interesting to me. i really love fics that dig into jyl and what she's doing and thinking and i haven't written as many as i'd like, but that is very much what this fic is. also i just have so much love and affection in my heart for the idea of two people being married and having a kid while not being In Love and in fact having sex with and falling in love with other people.

you're a curious one. this is a word of honor fic, and it is, of course, hanwenzhou. so, to be clear, if you count shl/tyk/qy together, it's CLEARLY my second most written fandom. and yet it ended up with only one representative on this list, partially because i have more kudos in this fandom lol. but that said, if i was only gonna pick one, it had to be REALLY on brand, and this fic is PEAK sky is on her bullshit. inspired by a critical role scene with sexy dangerous vampire attacks. the whole fic is building tension that never quite resolves bc building the tension is way more fun to me than writing sex scenes usually. spoiler: everything is actually fine and there's a happy resolution. this concept still lives in my head rent free.

idk who to tag, so AS USUAL, if you see this and want to play the game, do it and say i tagged you! i am very serious, you can tag me even if we've never interacted. you can also not tag me but say you got it from me! whatever works.

[aliferousdreamer]

@livingincolorsagain Okay, so first of all:

Seriously though, unforunately it looks like I can no longer answer your long-awaited ask because I just saved my response to your inbox in the drafts and apparently that just deleted both your ask and my answer?!?! It looks like it's just been completely gone for no reason?!?!?!?! Tumblr: WHY????????? (Btw this is my shorter back up draft so luckily I at least have this lol)

Now... I cannot say this enough... I'M SO SORRY FOR TAKING SO BLOODY LONG to do this. I think it has taken me about 1 ½ years to do this?!?! I'm so freaking embarrassed omfg. There really is no good excuse for why it has taken so freaking long. I remember that I have at least a few drafts that I made, but then my drafts became like this-

-and then I either forgot about it completely or got overwhelmed when I couldn't find any of the drafts and just abandoned it. My ability to just "nope" out of anything and procrastinate for eternity is unmatched.

Btw: I'm gonna censor most of the fandom/character/ship names (even the ones I like) because 1. I don't want to attract people who feel the need to argue with me (because I cba I really cba) and 2. I don't want to offend anyone who likes those things. It's gonna look super silly with *s everywhere but I don't have the energy for any heated discussions or arguments.

-

1. What OTPs in your fandom(s) do you just not get?

Ooh I have several squicky ships that I do get but I just don't feel them at all and have negative connotations associated with them... It's not exactly an answer to the question but it is what I first thought of.

Pre 2020 me didn't like Harm*one as a ship (in H*rry P*tter). Nowadays I don't interact with the fandom so I don't care but I still have negative associations with that ship and its fans.

I don't have any positive associations with Cl*uis (in TW*DG) because of bigotry.

I understand the appeal of E*yam (from C*kur) but it's a toxic, abusive, insulting mess like its fanbase. Man, I'm so glad C*kur ended in 2021 so I could leave that show and its fans behind.

I also used to feel more negative towards R*xi (from E*phoria) as a ship because of shippers' attitudes towards J*les/R*les but since F*xi became really popular I don't see nearly as much of that ship anymore.

I'll explain the reasonings more in the next question because the answers in both questions are pretty similar.

Also, to sprinkle some positivity amongst my mostly critical answers, here are some OTPs that I do like:

7. Is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?

Again, this applies to me pre 2020, but I still remember that I used to somewhat like Harm*one as a ship from H*rry P*tter, but yeah... the portion of toxic fans who were super hateful and bitter and straight up mean towards R*n and G*nny.

I used to like L*ouis and sorta like Cl*uis from TW*DG but the homophobic/lesbophobic/biphobic fans have pretty much turned me off from the ship completely. This doesn't really apply to fans on here, moreso YouTube fans who are just The Worst tbh.

Similarly I used to like E*sun from C*kur and back in season 3 but E*yam fans (particularly on Twitter and YouTube) were just horrible. I remember being civil and polite and considerate to every single one I encountered but they were awful and one fan even wished death on my family when I had said nothing to warrant such a bizarre comment lol. They were also The Worst towards D*lan D*niz and their relentless bullying campaign against her from 2019-2021 (but I saw a few months ago that they're still hating on her in 2023 ffs), all because she was a "threat" to their toxic ship. Man, I'm so glad their ship flopped in C*kur's finale, even if it was upsetting to see them being more hateful towards D*lan. They deserved some karma after being some of the worst fans I've ever had the misfortune of seeing.

Again for positivity's sake, here are some characters I do like:

12. Is there an unpopular arc that you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

Unlike seemingly most of the fans on here, I like El*ven getting with M*ke in Str*nger Th*ngs. I will never understand why M*leven is so hated. She can be both independent and in a relationship, and I don't see how that's such an unpopular take. Sure, there are issues with codependency, miscommunication and lying but considering what those kids have been through, is it any surprise?! They've both been through so much trauma, both together and separately, so no wonder they don't always go about the things the "best" way. I'd cut them both some slack (especially El*ven considering the hell she's endured all her life that has stunted her growth). Also, I feel like fans are way too harsh of them because aren't they supposed to be around 14 in season 4?!?! I'd say that they're remarkably mature for their age. I will admit that I like them less than I used to after season 4 but tbf there are several characters/relationships that I like less because of season 4. I like other ships like B*ler and E*max but I don't see why liking them should almost become synonymous with hating M*leven.

On another note, this scene >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

-

Again I'm so sorry this took so long, and that this version of my answer isn't the final one that I wanted to send (because Tumblr just erased the original one lmao).

Thank you so, so much for checking up on me and being so kind and sweet to me, even when I haven't responded or showed the gratitude that I should do!!!! I hope you're doing really well!!!!!! <3

[uuuuuhhhhlana]

i'm really sorry for asking this but i once asked you if you could explain the reasoning behind your canon komahina playlist, and i remember you made like a really lengthy post and i loved it. but i've been scouring your tumblr and i cannot for the life of me find it and it's killing me. could you please repost it or send me the link for the original post, i'm sorry lol

hi!!! you’re all good! i’m glad you loved it!! unfortunately i am the same as you and cannot find the original post ANYWHERE 😭 but, luckily i still have the response which i kept in my notes app for sentimental reasons so i’m able to repost it here!! keep in mind i have included new songs that were not part of the og post, and removed songs that are no longer in the playlist,,but without further ado, my canon komahina playlist song guide!! :D

i’ll try to explain as best as i can!! i’ll indicate which songs belong to each arc that i wish i could do in the playlist <3 (also to clarify, this playlist is just also stuff i find and include on a whim, and may not exactly fit because i haven’t had time to listen to the whole playlist in full lol sorry)

also lol this is gonna be long

🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎

pregame (despair arc anime stuff)

カミイロアワセ—binaria (this is just despair arc’s opening!! it may have been confusing if you haven’t watched the anime lol, also some songs are just here to help transition into different parts of the timeline!! ^^)

waiting in the wings—eden espinosa (this is a character specific song for hajime, i thought it was good to emphasise his feelings towards being the the reserve course, always trying so hard and never reaching what he truely wants (ah, there are a few character specific songs in this, it’s just to give them their own views and thoughts during the situation lol))

are you satisfied?—marina (okay THIS is meant to both portray their lives and actions during despair arc before the tragedy and how their lives are about to completely change (mainly hinata’s transition into kamukura) half is meant to showcase the lead up to his agreement to the kamukura project (“are you satisfied with your average life?” “it’s my problem if i want to pack up and run away…if i feel the need to hide” and the other half is about komaeda’s luck and how heavily it has affected his life before leading him to be accepted into hope’s peak (“one life pretending to be the cat who got the cream” “do i need to lie to make my way in life?” “nothing comes for free”) uh yea akskddgaksd)

never say never the animation—tkdz2b (this is just a transition to like. the udg/thh killing game shebang, nothing really important there)

e.v.o.l—marina (kamukoma nation rise,,,,just them (mostly servant) being Freaks™ together heheheheh,,, also like,,how basically junko’s influence turned them to the fucked up despair peeps they are!! (“it only takes a drop of evil to fuck up two beautiful people”,,,) :))

coming down—halsey (more kamukoma crumbs anyone??? basically komaeda worshipping kamukura and smex looolll. i imagine they encountered each other multiple times during and after udg (it’s canon i said so ansjddf :,))

🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎

game (prologue)

pixel galaxy—snail’s house (neo world program time babeyyyy)

welcome to dangan island—masafumi takada (what’s this weird rabbit thing?? we’re on an island now? ah! we’re meant to be collecting hope fragments?? this is totally normal and not a killing game right? right???)

beautiful rain (summer salt) —masafumi takada (relax! enjoy making friends (and potential love interests) on this lovey dovey school trip! :))

heart attack—loona (komaeda love at first sight bullshit like PLEASEEE (i will insert as many songs to convey my agenda as possible LMAO)

sugar rush—addison grace (komaeda’s pov, he’s only met hinata for two (2) seconds and already has a crush LMFAO also, assume that there’s been like a teensy bit of time (like two days) since they got here, it needs to have time to build up aksdkfgh my playlist my rules <3)

two time—jack stauber’s micropop (hinata’s pov, he also seems to be developing some feelings, but something seems…off? i wonder what it could possibly be…)

danganronpa super mix—masafumi takada (the killing game has begun blah blah blah you know the drill)

chapter 1

entropy—awkward mania (aka komaeda being a little shit pt 1, now in this intense situation, komaeda does his 180 and starts his descent, but it’s for hope so that’s fine :P (probably when he plans the murder set up))

ghost rule—deco*27 (komaeda’s antagonistic demeanour reveal to hinata and the others. he gets hinata to figure out his malice, if he “figured the (komaeda) he knew was just a sham”. he knows his crush? and the rest will likely dislike him from now, but needs to push on so that he’s able to assist them in overcoming any despair thrown at them)

you give love a bad name—bon jovi (hinata feels betrayed, poor bby ;( the person he once liked? (crushed on) and was kind enough to help him out during introductions and the investigation is now gone)

it should have been me—riproducer (more komaeda monologue bullshit,,,,basically saying that hinata should have chosen komaeda as the blackened and is now confused as to why hinata is mad at him. after all, all he wanted to do was lead the ultimates towards hope and combat despair, why is the one he considerably looked up to most so upset with him? oh well, now that komaeda is here to stay (potentially for now) now his pandora’s box opened, he warns hinata to keep a close eye on him unless he were to act out again….)

chapter 2 and chapter 3

pandora’s box—marina (hinata’s just hurt and confused by komaeda’s behaviour tbh, but like. fair. now he’s become like an enigma oooooohhh)

problems—mother mother (komaeda’s pov, him bad in the eyes of hinata, hinata good >:( and komaeda self deprecation™. he still loves hinata tho despite the killing game because that’s the totally normal response to all of this, i can’t really fit more here?? LOL maybe “tied up and branded, locked in a cage” can be a reference to THAT scene but like, yea that’s it ajsjsdfgh)

the outsider—marina (komaeda having a main character moment™, also, he KNOWS he’s unpredictable and hard to comprehend. uh oh)

inferno—reinaeiry (komaeda being a little shit pt 2, he wants to rile hinata up with some antagonistic flirting babeyyyy)

love trial—chano, 40mp (komaeda’s guilty of being in love (smh he should be he fell in love in a damn killing game :///) he still thinks he has a chance for hinata to love him back, while simultaneously helping him and MAKING THINGS DIFFICULT FOR HIM ansjdfghh (aka komaeda being a little shit pt 2) he also suspects hinata may like him back in some way but he’s just denying it 👀)

bodybag—chloe moriondo (hinata’s having conflicted feelings :// sometimes he wants to punch komaeda on the mouth with HIS mouth and sometimes he just wants to punch him)

vices and virtues—reinaeiry (kinda chapter 3 territory here. komahina narrative foils real?!?)

hermit the frog—marina (this one’s kinda iffy but eehhh, it’s a flip flop of pov’s between hinata and komaeda, first, hinata knows that komaeda can outsmart him, and is always one step head of him in the trials and it still annoys him akskddgg then it switches to komaeda (at: “well i, went to the doctors believing…”) when he’s got the liars disease and wants hinata to stay but is unable to do so (ya know THAT scene) (fun fact: this part was inspired by an animatic) then some lead up to early chapter 4 and more homoerotic tension blah blah blah. like i said, this one’s a bit hard to fit in with the timeline but the animatic part is what stuck to me keeping it in)

bizzare love triangle—new order (hinata looking back on ch 1 komahina times and missing it “why can’t we be ourselves like we were yesterday?” he’s scared of what’s gonna happen between them down the line)

chapter 4

no strings attached (enemies to lovers)—backseat vagabond (it’s when they’ve entered the fun house and takes place some days before the 4th murder. literally just (one sided) hate smex LMAO….that leads to some reignited feelings from hinata…?)

i forgot that you exist—yonkagor (the investigation is underway and komaeda has just met up with hinata and nanami after the final dead room stuff. komaeda finds out everything and treats hinata like utter garbage, they break up without even being together in the first place <\3 brocken)

backstabber—kesha (“I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL!1!1!1” hinata feels betrayed again. he’s just like “wth man :(“ and komaeda is still a bitch ansndf)

fan behaviour—issac dunbar (komaeda’s just like “oh you hate me? cute <3” (condescending) and basically just talks down to him that now the “tables have turned” because komaeda used to look up to hinata and the others and basically saw himself as a loser and now THEY’RE all the losers lmao)

woke up—olivia olson, zuzu (hinata grows a pair and is basically just like “you know what, screw you you’re so annoying and literally no one likes you lol stfu” also candy kingdom=hope philosophy or whatever bajsjdfg)

wolf in sheep’s clothing—set it off (hinata just digging into komaeda (probably during the trial), he’s literally SO done with his shit, the wire is about to snap :,))

wishful drinking—tessa violet (komaeda character song, after the 4th trial, he knows he’s separated from the group now more than ever (visually i see him in his cottage, poison bottle in his hand, whilst intense staring commences) and he starts to set up for the beginning of the end…..)

chapter 5

smile—ukuletea (this is specifically during the free time event with komaeda at the military base, or lack there of, because if you try to talk to him, komaeda says something along the lines of “don’t worry about me, go talk with one of the others” with a smile on his face (hence “carry on by, i’ll see you off with a smile) it’s meant to be the final ‘normal’ encounter you have with him before what comes after. i imagine that just somehow, someway, komaeda still couldn’t let go of those lingering feelings for hinata, but knows he can’t go back to the way things were, so he’s instead pushing hinata even more away :()

冬のはなし (Fuyu no hanashi)—given (komahina duet, both are looking at their broken relationship, what they’ve lost, they’re both finding difficulty to move on and forget what happened between them, it’s meant to be a sad but bittersweet moment of clinging onto a small piece of hope that each one will still have some longing feeling there)

i just want to be the one you love—cryst (for this one i imagine that komaeda is listening to this on a record player in his cottage (don’t question it LMAO) more longing and loss for a love he can never have,,, ;()

oh ana—thquib, gumi (komaeda is conflicted :// he wants to become the ultimate hope by getting rid of the others (the remnants of despair) but he also hates having to find out this information because of what it means (from his perspective anyways). komaeda still clings onto his deep love for hinata even despite being the personification of his near opposing worldview, and is desperate for hinata to help him out of his turmoil)

bang!—ajr (now with his extremely antagonistic persona, komaeda explodes the lobby and threatens to blow up the rest of the island unless the traitor reveals themself)

crossing the line—mandy moore and eden espinosa (komahina duet, hinata says that komaeda has finally gone too far and begs for him to stop what he is doing, which komaeda refutes saying he will do anything it takes to see his plans be fulfilled, even if that means the others will see him as a complete monster for it)

nothing left to lose—jeremy jordan and eden espinosa (komahina duetttt, literally just a reiteration of same thing that’s explained in the song above (i TOLD you i like to insert as many songs as possible to convey the agenda LOL))

ready as i’ll ever be—tangled cast (another kmhn duet, hinata and the gang go to search for the hidden bombs komaeda has planted on the island, while komaeda goes to set up in the warehouse, both are preparing themselves for whatever may come next)

killer—the ready set (komaeda finally decides to let go of his feelings for hinata, as he will soon no longer be alive to still have them)

time is running out—muse (hinata is still searching for the bombs, and feels backed into a corner by komaeda’s actions, he feels komaeda has complete control in this situation, but is still somehow despite it all intrigued by him. it’s like it’s a car crash you can’t look away from )

again—crusher-p (komaeda’s lament pt 1, with a side of self torment and depreciation, he internally regrets how far he went with his antagonistic behaviour but it’s too late to go back)

eventually—tame impala (komaeda’s lament pt 2, with a side of regret and mourning, he truely believes that this is the only way out of this situation, and with that small lingering attachment of his feelings towards hinata, komaeda internally apologises for all the pain he has caused his one-sided (?) love, knowing his death will hopefully be the last time he gives hinata any grief, that he will eventually move on from komaeda,,,,)

sweet hibiscus tea—penelope scott (komaeda’s lament pt 3 with a side of dissasociation and questioning of what is reality (see: “the artificial way the sunlight bounces off the waxy leaves”) before the door opens to his demise)

arms tonite—mother mother (“i died in you armsssss” *cue dramatic komaeda dying in hinata’s arms scene*. it’s kinda like komaeda talking from beyond the grave, lol)

stuff is way—they might be giants (okay so that infamous makoto and junko animatic of the same song but replace those two with kmhn and the events that have happened over the course of the jabberwock killing school trip up til now. if you haven’t watched it pls do it’s so good)

karma—crusher-p (hinata has just been completely and utterly crushed by what has happened now. kinda like a stages of grief thing (he’s on denial and anger ansjddf) he thinks komaeda’s luck has finally failed him and got the karma that was coming to him: (a reference to the aforementioned wolf in sheep’s clothing)(but shhhh, he knows nothing yet)

all eyes on me—or3o (the chapter 5 trial, hinata basically just reflecting on komaeda’s actions, how he controlled and took centre stage during almost every previous trial and now it’s his turn to uncover the menacing truth komaeda left behind for him (salty salty aksndnfgg))

hidden in the sand—tally hall (after the chapter 5 trial, hinata mourns in his cottage once more and looks back on the time he and komaeda spent together during the prologue because those are good memories for him :,))

chapter 6

something changed—creepP (the epilogue to chapter 5 leading into the final chapter, when hinata and the remaining survivors are beginning to sense this island may not be what they’ve believed this whole time, with friends they’ve mourned suddenly appearing before them, their return to hopes peak, surrounded by glitched walls, unexpected jumps from room to room, and mangas outlining moments and events they can’t seem to remember,, in addition to monokuma’s strange behaviour, it’s easy to see that something isn’t quite right,,,,)

haze—tessa violet (inspired by another animatic of the same song, it’s hinata centric and centred around his feelings and thoughts as kamukura coming into light, and the subsequential transformation, featuring some tiny kmhn crumbs)

help me—or3o (chapter 6 trial, hinata’s pov. a final reflection of all that has occurred in the now world, also the official hinata was kamukura reveal. the inner voices of nanami and kamukura in addition to the help from the other survivors, pushing his determination to take down alter ego junko and create his own future (yeah these last few songs aren’t really kmhn centric but like. komaeda being unalivan’t doesn’t help with that ajsjdfgh))

white space—omori (ahhh this is just them getting out of the neo world, with the final walls crumbling and the venture into the unknown future ahead of them)

🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎

post game

it’s not the same anymore—rex orange county (hinata laments on how simple his life used to be, but now that’s something he can never turn back to, and he knows it. so, all he can do now is live with it and move on towards a better future with the help of his friends)

strange sight—kt tunstall (IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE!!! to me this is like The komahina song Ever. this is once the survivors have woken up, and their comatose classmates have miraculously woken up, all except for one. hinata goes into the room with all the pods to set up the world destroyer program for komaeda, but before he does that, he looks down at the occupied pod, reflects once again on this boy, no not boy, man, this enigma, the fact that this is the one singular person in his life that has never been more interesting and confusing to him, and yet he still wants to understand him, understand him even more, wake him up so he can at last get closer to him the way he wished when they first met on that beach in the neo world>>>>>)

danganronpa 2.5 (komaeda and the world destroyer)

bitter choco decoration—syudou ((also known as: komaeda’s analysis hour) (komaeda’s perspective of his life and what he sees around him,,, komaeda has always wanted to help others instead of be helped, he tries not to hurt the ones he cares about,, he smiles and laughs with practiced ease, even if it means it’s at his own expense,,, after all, why should his classmates worry about him? he aims to praise and worship, telling them what they want to hear even if he doesn’t believe it himself because they display so much potential, so much hope, they don’t deserve to be upset or dragged down by his burdens . he will insert himself as a background character into each of their lives, and shut down his own significance in process)

i hate it here—quinn (komaeda’s artificial world,,, throughout living within the program, komaeda begins to slightly change his perspective of himself, he feels as though his luck is a complete waste of a talent and he’s becoming something he never wished to be, just another face in the crowd. rather, if he were in a more ideal world, talent wouldn’t matter much to him, his good luck rather helped those he cared about and the bad luck was instead given to himself, and he would maybe even have friends (even though they may be somewhat reluctant))

miss wanna die—jubyphonic (i see this as komaeda with the world destroyer, someone who feels somewhat familiar to him for a reason he can’t yet sustain, killing his friends and ruining his ‘perfect world’. when he meets world destroyer, komaeda knows it’s there for a specific reason, for some reason he senses and flashes back to a specific and stubborn presence continuously reaching out for him that for some reason feels that komaeda can’t continue to be in this coping mechanism world he has created for the rest of his sleeping life (i wonder who that is ajsjdfg). he realises that this is a dream he’s been living in and wishes to wake up and return to reality

絶対希望バースデ—megumi ogata (roll credits on 2.5 babey :))))

🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎🤍🤎

hope arc

connect—amalee (hinata’s pov, after looking at what remains of their wrecked and damaged world, clouded with loss, death, and desolate destruction, whilst observing komaeda from his personal nwp run in order to wake him, hinata gives himself a silent vow to always be by komaeda’s side, and to ensure they both can help each other recover within what remains of their despair-ridden world, and rebuild it together along with support from their friends and found family now matter how hard it may be)

心做し—akane (komaeda has woken up, hinata shows no anger, resentment or hate toward him and wonders why, he believes hinata should despise him with every fibre of his being after all the pain he had caused during the killing game, he doesn’t want hinata to be hurt by him again, so komaeda tries to push him away once more, but hinata just holds him and comforts him as komaeda cries into his shoulder)

strange sight reprise—kt tunstall (hinata comforts komaeda some more, finally being able to understand him just a little (only a little, for now, he thinks. a small success regardless) he tells komaeda that he still believes him to be a good person because hinata knows komaeda genuinely cares about him and the others in his own (quirky) way

that distant shore—jennifer paz (hhhhhh komaeda has internal hope for resolution and recovery, with the inclination that he’s no longer alone now that hinata and him are getting along again,,,sorry LMAO kinda brain dead rn to think of anything else to say here)

flaws—bastille (hinata takes at look at his and komaeda’s flaws: komaeda’s being his luck, something he’s always had to live with, how it’s affected him, affected others and how he’s never hidden the fact that he believed his luck to be a burden to him. meanwhile hinata’s flaw was his feeling towards talent, his lack there of and how that ultimately led him to forever changing his life, he hated his flaws so much that he wanted to bury them as deep as possible, so others wouldn’t see how easily they were able to control his emotions. and now, after all they’ve been through, they are able to live with the flaws they have and use them to better understand each other)

our life—fat bard (some time after hope arc, hinata’s pov, the remnants of despair are now living on the island that was once an artificial nightmare. despite the tragedy, jabberwock almost looks to be returning into a peaceful paradise again. things have begun to change: structures being rebuilt, the sky returning blue with time, crimes slowly being forgiven and bonds being formed (wink wink nudge nudge). days and months come and go, the remnants have made peace that they will be potentially spending the rest of their lives here.

sunkissed—khai dreams (peaceful jabberwock dayze, komaeda’s pov. the feelings of his crush that he first had on the very same island from forever ago have returned tenfold, hinata has gotten closer to him and there’s a feeling of reciprocation there, but he’s to scared to confess to hinata just yet, he’s pining :()

walk but in the garden—llusion, mxmtoon (moar peaceful jabberwock dayze. hinata’s pov. him spending time with komaeda doing mundane things, hanging out and having fun despite being isolated from the rest of the world. they’ve managed to find their own peace here :))

still into you—paramore (omgggg confession time, the time has finally come!! :D aka: despite everything, it’s still you……and they were narrative foils and now they’re in love (omg they were narrative foils and now they’re in love))

come what may—nicole kidman and ewan mcgregor (komahina duetttttt *singing with intensity* “SUDDENLY MY LIFE DOESN’T SEEM SUCH A WASTE, IT ALL REVOLVES AROUND YOUUUU” each one at the beginning of their lives were shrouded with a feeling of being someone who is so worthless, one because of their talent, and the other because they lacked talent,,,but now they have both found someone they love and cherish, and make them feel their life is worth living for what remains until the end of time HHHHHHHH)

good old-fashioned lover boy—queen (kmhn marriage!! preparations….they write their vows and celebrate with their friends and kiss….yeas…)

me and my husband—mitski (pretty self explanatory ahsjdjdfg. komaeda’s pov btw)

AND WE’RE FINALLY DONE!! oof that took a while lmaooo, there’s more i could probably expand on in some songs but my brain hurts aaahhh

also take note that these songs are subject to change, i may take some out if i find a better replacement but what i have here now is just what i think fits best at the time!! i know it’s not perfect ajsjdfg and if you had some alternative songs, or new ones to potentially add please feel free to share!! but once again thank you so much! to think something i did self indulgently and as a joke became something people genuinely like makes my happy! :)

edit: as of writing this, i have replayed the playlist and taken some songs out that either didn’t quite fit or were too repetitive, but as i said, it’s subject to change :))

[yourlocalmintgelato]

Hello again! So I’m both a bit nervous and excited since this is the first time I’m truly posting art online (Or on Tumblr anyway)

But, the good news I guess is that I made my own Hantengu clone OC! (I might change his name in the future)

His name is currently Yamai. It may not be correct but from what I translated it it was either Disease or sick child (Sick child from Yamai-Ji)

((before the translator changed it anyway))

~~~~~~

A little backstory I guess:

(Btw a lot of headcanons for this?)

When Hantengu was a human child he often got sick due to his weak immune system and had to go to the hospital pretty often. His parents didn't think he'd survive since they were poor and couldn't afford his medicine, but he was somehow able to make a full recovery after a year or two.

Hantengu’s long stay in the hospital was also when he started to steal and lie a lot more. (For example, he would steal the medical supplies the doctors used on him and lied that it wasn't him who did it.)

After he got out of the hospital he would continue to commit crimes, lie, and steal. Once he got to his older years, however, his immune system started to fail him again like it did in his childhood and he started to become deathly ill. Luckily that was the time when Muzan showed up and saved him from being executed for his crimes and so he’s no longer sick.

…Unfortunately for one of his clones, they became the sickness/sick clone and now have to deal with all the illnesses Hantengu had when he was human. (He may not look like he’s super sick but he feels it.)

~~~~~~

((The photo quality is poor since I drew it on another device and took the picture on my phone. Also, I did a poor attempt at drawing the Kanji on his tongue lol.)) *Don't repost or steal any of my artwork, please. I don't care if you credit I don't want anyone to post my art on websites or pages I'm not on. Sorry if it came off as rude, but still.*

Yamai as the sickness clone appears to be super tired with his eyes always half open. He will often be far away from the group as he doesn't want to bother them and get them sick. (Although the other clones are demons too.)

(Yamai walks and moves super slowly and so he often seems to be weaker than the other clones or an easy target but, ends up tricking his opponents/enemy by dodging their attacks and quickly hitting them. He's also a bit thinner than the other clones.)

Yamai’s weapons of choice are needles which are filled with powerful medicines and poisons. It's random so you don't know what you'll get so you could either be lucky or unlucky when you fight him.

He also coughs a lot and there's a chance he could get his opponent sick just by being near them and or coughing. (And since he has many illnesses him getting you sick would probably be deadly… His breath smells super bad too so that wouldn't be too pleasant either.)

~~~~~~

Facts About Him:

-He gets very nervous around women and will not attack them if he finds them attractive.

-His favorite clone other than himself is Aizestu since he gives him pity and comforts him.

-He’s really good at victim-blaming and makes his opponents feel bad and give up fighting him.

-Although he mostly wears orange his favorite color is violet. (Or blue) ((Also orange in Japan represents good health I believe so I thought that would be funny.))

-His clothing is based on clothing/kimonos children in Japan would wear in the 1800/1900s and is pretty childish.

-Like Aizestu he is very mentally weak.

-He doesn't like wearing shoes since he finds them uncomfortable and will complain if he's forced to wear them.

-He has more purple veins on his body to show his sickness? Idk.

~~~~~~

I apologize if the writing was cringy or poorly done. I hope you all enjoy it nonetheless!

~~~~~~

[jackienautism]

going 2 be real for a sec

i usually keep this stuff to myself since its super personal and i probably will just sound like a crazy person bu t i really just want to get something down and post it and MAYBE get some sort of like ? validation. that im not the only one who feels this way or does this LOL

so just. long story short. does anyone get like physically ill over seeing someone else like . engaging and doing "more" with a special interest slash interest youre really really into? like. just like 10 or os minutes ago somethting happened and i started lowkey shaking and shit (but maybe its just bc its real hot where i am rn but idk) and felt sick to my stomach all bc someone was engaging "more" with something i rly rly like and i just uuuuugh

ive had this feeling ever since i got into until dawn and the quarry lol...... this feeling has been occurring a lot less frequently than during like last year. which like. speaking of. when the quarry first came out the feeling came and WEEEENT....... ALLL THE TIME. like i wasnt even into the game that much yet but seeing other ppl engaging w/ and making content for it...... made me feel suuuper ill. or maybe was it when i first started getting into it? yeah i think it was when i first started hyperfixating. but anyway LOL IT WAS A TERRIBLE FEELING. AND IT HAPPENED SO OFTEN TOO

luckily its gotten a lot better in terms of the quarry. especiailly after joining tumblr and all. but until dawn? naaah its still very much there lol. as i said earlier, it doesnt happen as much as it used to (in regards to UD) but. it stilll happens. as i just fucking found out. ive settled down quite a bit now but good god

until dawn is such a dead fandom but theres just some things that when i see it it still makes me go wiiiild (negative). i dont know why. it makes feel so sick. and i dont hold it against anyone of course, it just affects me interacting w/ slash following people LOL! and it mainly has to do w/ sam and emily LMAO especiallly sam as ive come to find out.... i think its becasue ive projected sooo much of myself onto her that im like super protective and shit. like... shes not your fictional public character shes MINE. and thats not your public piece of media. its MINE. you know?

and its liike. i KNOW that there are ppl who are more into UD and have been into it longer than i have. i know that. and htat doesnt always affect me. but tthen therr are just osme other times where it seriously DOES and its just.... man. i wish i werent like this LMAO

i think thats like the. basis of it. im just. man. and its such a hard thing to shake off ): i know im just gonna have to "get over it" and "learn to live w/ it" but man!!!!!!

idk man. just seeing others "understanding" a character "more" than i do and seeing others do suuuuper in depth character analyses just..... ESP if its characters i rly relate to and basically projected every part of ,my being onto........ it makes me ill!!!!!! like genuinely!!!!!!!!!

and its like weird bc like. i was SUPER into mean girls the musical back in 2019 / 2020 and so forth. but i dont ever remember getting THIS BAD over others being "more" into it than i was. and this isnt just straight up jealousy. i know how that feels and its DEFINITELY not that. i truly dont know what makes until dawn / the quarry so different. maybe becasue this was the first time ive engaged more with the fandom? especially on tumblr? i dont know man. i dont kn ow

hopefully this makes sense. im just tired

[nathan-kakehashi-blog]

Kakehashi 2022 - Introduction

Table of Contents | Next ->

Long time, no post! (Brace yourselves for a meaty post!)

I had intended to post here much sooner, but unfortunately the Kakehashi program's trip to Japan got delayed for a little over a year. At first it was slated to take place around the same time as the pre-exchange I posted about before, but due to Japan's COVID lockdowns the date got pushed back further and further. Luckily, since they finally removed the quarantine requirements and reinstated visa-free travel back in October, we were at last able to go on the trip this December!

Over the next few days (maybe weeks?), I'll be posting a series of travelogue-style blog entries about the trip itself (mostly in chronological order), and there will be plenty of pictures of my favorite parts. It was by far the best trip I've had the opportunity to go on before, so I hope some of you will also find this interesting!

Before getting to the meat of the trip in the following posts, I'm going to give some background about us participants. We consisted of two groups of nine university students handpicked from the University of Memphis and from Ohio University, along with one "chaperone" for each group. My group was the one from the University of Memphis, which I'll henceforth call "UofM". No, not the one in Michigan. most of us were picked because of our roles in founding a student organization based out of the Japanese language department at the UofM during the initial COVID lockdowns here in the States. We've been thriving as a group ever since then, being easily the largest organization that this department has had to date. (Not to toot my own horn or anything lol. Plugging our Instagram.)

Some of us had already graduated, yet weren't able to study abroad due to Japan's lockdowns over the last two years, so for them, this trip was almost too good to be true. It was a chance to finally get a taste of what was denied to them before. Our group's chaperone also fell into this category, being a graduate student who some of us had shared classes with during undergrad, as well as being one of us founders of the student org.

All of us from the UofM group were a part of the Japanese department and had studied Japanese for a significant time ahead of this trip; though some had studied for longer than the others, since a few in our group were taking other Majors or had taken a break after graduating. As for me personally, I've been studying Japanese for the last 4-5 years, with the first two-ish years being intense self-study on my own. These days, I mostly study by reading Japanese through video games and manga, supplemented with some more realistic media here and there. (Not to mention the university courses!) I was definitely looking forward to a real-world test of my skills, since I had been avoiding going out of the way to practice my speaking lately, and had been feeling a bit out of touch with where my level was.

The trip was organized and coordinated by the "Japan International Cooperation Center" (or JICE for short) as a part of the Ministry of Foreign Affair's "Japan's Friendship Ties Program", specifically under the label of the "Kakehashi Project" for the North American version of the program. All travel expenses, airfare, lodging, and so forth were completely covered for the participants, which was truly amazing. I had never been to Japan before this trip, in large part due to the cost of the flights to and from Japan!

(As a sidenote, do go easy on me, I'm still fairly new to posting publicly on social media, let alone here on tumblr. I'm a chronic lurker at heart.)

Table of Contents | Next ->

[just-pineapple-responses]

Just curious, how many shower thought (response) blogs are there? I just dived into this side of tumblr (not gonna make any posts its fun to read though) and I'm already losing my mind

Well there is

The. Literal. Sun.

Plasma...

S p a c e

ALL HAIL THE LIGHT

The void. It shall consume ALL.

A typewriter incase anyone wants to write their will before they die

Also some ink, not related to the typewriter

Also some words, I wonder who'll use them

A hat with no maker and a maker with no hat

The pen is mightier than the sword. It just so happens that this one is evil. Luckily I can summon multiple

Anyone order some coffee?

Ooo, an author

The literal embodiment if of fanart

A fork, nom noms

B҉ r҉ o҉ k҉ e҉ n҉ 

Soap

Soap(for hair)

Toothpaste

🄵🄰🅄🄲🄴🅃

Towel

Bath mat

Washcloth

Bathtub

Bathwater

𝔹𝕒𝕥𝕙𝕓𝕠𝕞𝕓

Bubblebath!

One (1) bath boi

Some M͓̽o͓̽l͓̽d͓̽ (anybody got some strong disinfectant?)

Nvm, the mold has already caused a plague (gettit?) (although user misspelled it)

Nevermind, there's already a parasite here

Mirror

Door!!!

Some curtains

A denim jacket

Blackout

Rainbow

✨ Magic ✨

*Tree poses to assert dominance*

Coconut

(obviously me)

I think popeye dropped a tin of spinch and it became sentient?

Tost

Hummus. dip tost?

Criss Cross applesauce

Wibbly wobbly Wibbly wobbly jellyo

Mmmm océan s o u p

Some poison, a great addition for my soup

Smol bean

Potat

Shower magpie who I haven't seen in a while

Bird (brain)

Frog(×2:Electric Boogaloo)

An axolotl!

Ferret

*looks at smudged writing on hand. Squints. * a raccoon

Stinky bastard man (I just had to put the two next to each other)

Rat.

Becometh crab 🦀 (x2: Electric Boogaloo)

Nya~

Edgy Nya~

Tripod of dog

Brain

Nina i found one of your neurons (if you understand this reference, good job you)

A rotted brain, keep it away before it infects us all, I only have 2 braincells left

Did... Did someone drop their spinal cord?

The almighty binch

The titanic

Narrator

Water based introspection

Existential crisis

Dumbass

Also a pacifier (get it because they're also called dummies and their name is dummy)

A foolish thought to say a sorry sight join the shower community (as you can tell we did Shakespeare in English so many times i pretty much can recite everything lady macbeth said)

ADHD

Ominous

Anonymous

Anxious 🥺👉👈

Some edgy bastard

A person of culture I see (although obsessed with tweed for some reason)

1 Dapper boi

Sarcastic

nice

All smiles and sunshine

HAPPY! (why isn't there yellow 😔)

Affection (Derogatory) (I'm sorry I just felt like it)

~Petty~

Idiot

Disaster

Chaos and Order

Comebacks

'vanishing'

Defences

Threatened

Op is on drugs

All the F s

And F-general

Get out of the shower

Shower responses

Dry

The horny and the simp

Shower sins

Thower shoughts

I take quick showers

Shower thots

Last responder *countdown music*

You have shower thoughts?

Your shower thoughts are stupid

Wtf shower thoughts

Another shower responder

MORE

Just shower responses... responses

Response shower

NO SHOWER! only thought (×3)

Mmm, showery

Penny for your thoughts?

Hello darkness my old friend...

Llawyer

Beepbeep

Prussia

Haywire!!!

furry OwO

A Pigeon got in through the door, who left it open?

I'm feeling devious

You're looking glamorous, let's get mischievous, and polyamorous

Gay is stored in the ass

Gay

Trans

*opens door and walks through with you exaggeratedly* Fellas we got the whole LGBTQIA+ community right here

Enby

Hahaha gender go brrr

Lesbian

Lesbian-thot

Lust

Someone who thinks it funny to clown around

Joker (derogatory)

Haha straight

Dead inside

Some supervillain idk

News. Literally a shower news style responses

r

I cannot believe that I forgot Her Greatest Majesty, the Queen. All Hail Royal

Isaac newton?

M megamind?

Fiftieth

Crackhead

Some Phoenix Wright kinnie

What is a Dean Winchester and why does he have a tentacle fetish?

Well well well, if it ain't a homestuckian

Did someone kill/rob The Doctor or something, their TARDIS was left behind and its blocking my pretzels that I left in the shower

Mined crafts uwu

Well well well, if it ain't- *accidentally makes eye contact and is then killed by some unknown shadowy creature holding what seems to be some sort of cube of dirt*

GOTTA GO FAST

Mishamishamishamishamishamishamisha

Gen Z and ready to throw hands with OP

Not puki

Nom noms

Dip dap

Kensa

B͓̽u͓̽n͓̽g͓̽e͓̽r͓̽ ..........

Someone broke their space bar or something

It's time to d-d-d-d-d-dshower

The magical deity of sleepovers

DON'T FALL ASLEEP. NO MATTER WHAT THEY TELL YOU-

The muffin man genuinely left drury Lane for this

Txmblr

Moonlit nights on a winters day, stars glimmering gently

A child?

🟥

The fae. Just all of them. Every single one.

Crocus? (What on earth does that mean)

*sings* baba blacksheep have you any wool? Because if not you will be killed (this fits the tune perfectly. If not I have failed in everything)

The theatre itself is here... Somehow

Ahoy-hoy

boo

REEEE- *epic geometry dash gameplay to DanTDM's old intro music*

Yardale, not to be mistaken for riverdale and differs to lawn ale or front porch ale or even meter ale

I'll finish this list later

It's gonna be a long one folks

I'm including a ones that haven't spoken since ages ago because

Boy howdy there's new ones tell me who I'm missing now

Please stop thank you very much this is too many i keep having to add to this any new responder must kill a responder to continue the purge shall claim y'all as I will win i recently started watching Danganronpa

Seriously though everyone after mirror must have a battle royale it's too much i doubt all of you will even last longer than today also happy birthday me -dated:28th- do you even realise what sort of commitment you've made to sell pieces of your soul for entertainment and ability to make such epic retorts each and every post?! I sacrifice many souls DAILY to be throwing such bangers into this stuff y'know?

We have a tap guys we can finally wash our hands of all the blood of our enemies

Seriously though who left the door open I don't want a Pigeon pecking at me (the mishapocalypse got them lol)

So many responders so little time before the end of the world

If I'm missing someone please tell me very thank

There are not enough colours for me to assign a different one to each person 😔 also, wtf is on there twice on purpose

WorldHealthOrganisation IS MISSING (note: you may have a joke in place of name or under a category of names)

So there's lore without me?

ALL HAIL THE LIGHT *moth noises*

Okay now there's alternate timeline versions of responders for the benefit of myself they ain't going on the list bud

There is an incorrect role play blog quotes blog and I am crying. Not of laughter. Just wiuwhdhsjhshjxjabjsjdhdjsj

If any new people join I will go back to causing shower wars for the sake of killing you all I'm done I have snapped my laptop is updating 3 times in a row

I will commit crimes.

Does being a shower responder or role-playing seem encouraging to people to join this "community"? Because I'm pretty sure it's the latter

[scarletjedi]

untitled Untamed time travel au but make it Mingcheng PART 2A

@piyo-13

Part 1: The Setup

Part 2A: GUSU REVISITED (part 1)

EDIT: Part 2B now up!

y'all...I tried to do one part, but this notefic is quickly becoming fic, and I need to keep it small enough to fit on tumblr, lol. The second half of this should be up in the next day or two!

Okay, the next day they arrive in Gusu, have the run in with Zixuan, which....almost goes the same? Zixuan still buys out the inn, but WWX saw this dude, who made Yanli happy, die (and while JC says it wasn’t him, he still feels that guilt) and JC looks at him and sees Jin Ling’s father, and they just... leave. Do not engage. Perhaps with a look at each other like - we need him to see her for herself, but we don’t want to put her through the pain of losing him.

...okay, JC can’t leave without saying something along the lines of “we’re in Gusu to learn, but also to form alliances. Open your damn eyes, and you might actually make a friend” - Zixuan is shook, but Mianmian looks at JC assessingly. I am here for “isolated and therefore socially awkward Zixuan” and I think it’d be hilarious if he takes this as a sign that JC wants to be friends. So, he will kind of randomly show up where JC is, like a cat trying to signal that they’re friends by mirroring you? Luckily, JC speaks “stray animal” and eventually figures out that Zixuan isn’t trying to spy on him but trying to make friends. It eventually leads to a conversation where JC turns to him and just asks “Why don’t you like my sister?” ...but i’ll get to that.

So, they leave, and this time they double check that WWX has the invitation. He does, but they’re still delayed just a bit going up the mountain, so when they reach the top, Lan Wangji is waiting.

The party stops when they see him, mostly because it looks like he’s barring entry, but JC sees the way LWJ looks at WWX and *knows* that somehow, LWJ is back too.

Now, in The Untamed canon (which we’re in) I fully believe that WWX was in love with (and knew it) LWJ before he died, but either felt that his love was not returned, or that LWJ’s love would end if he knew, the time was never right, etc - so, he’s looking at this like and opportunity to present the side of himself that he thinks LWJ wants.

Meanwhile LWJ is like “THERE IS MY GREMLIN ALIVE AND WELL. THIS TIME I WILL LOVE HIM AND STAND WITH HIM NO MATTER WHAT.”

But when JC announces themselves and WWX pulls out the invitation, LWJ says “Wei Ying” in that WAY of his and WWX freezes because a) he realizes that LWJ is also back b) this doesn’t fit into his plan and c) stall. So he does that awkward laugh, flicking his nose, like “Ahaha, Lan Zhan. It’s me.”

And LWJ *SMILES* “It is good to see Wei Ying.”

And WWX *melts* because he is weak, and JC is like “kill me now” (JYL is confused but thinks its sweet) and everyone else is just *confused*.

Not taking his eyes off WWX, LWJ gestures for Yunmeng Jiang to follow him, and leads them (well, WWX and by proxy everyone else) to the student dorms where they will be staying. (WWX walks next to LWJ, and there is something about the way they fit together that makes JC *feel things* all over again, because here was one more thing WWX lost because of *him* and—

When they arrive at the dorms, the other disciples and Yanli all retire, but JC stays because if LWJ is back then they need to talk before JC leaves those two to “count each others eyelashes or whatever they do when they’re alone together” and the absolute bitchy-ass angry *look* that LWJ sends him has JC standing taller and WWX stepping between them.

“Ayia, Lan Zhan, there’s no need for that. Jiang Cheng and I talked it out. We’re good.”

Lan Zhan looks over at WWX, softening for a moment, before bringing the heat back for JC. “He killed you.”

“You-!” JC clenches his fist, and is thrown because there *aren’t* sparks because Zidian is on his *mother’s* wrist, and it’s enough to make him settle, enough for WWX to step in again and say:

“That fall wouldn’t have killed me if— If I hadn’t lied to him, then Jiang Cheng wouldn’t have had every reason to believe I would survive that fall.”

*That* causes a reaction, a widening of his eyes that would be subtle on any other face, at the implication that Jiang Cheng hadn’t been trying to kill him. But, it doesn’t make the frown disappear. “He did not stand with you.”

“Neither did you!” Jiang Cheng snaps, going for the *jugular* without even realizing, and LWJ just fucking *wilts*

“That...is my regret.”

But before he could say anything else, WWX spoke again.

“Look, there’s no reason to rehash the past. I’m alive! And I know what I need to do to not be bad again, but I would really appreciate it if my brother and my soulmate” and didn’t THAT cause JC’s eyebrows to rise “didn’t hate each other.” Suddenly, several things about the last few years made a lot more sense.

“I don’t hate him,” Jiang Cheng said, as Lan Wangji said “Wei Ying is always good.”

When *that* caused the three of them to stare at each other again, Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes. “Look, we need to talk soon about this whole time travel... thing, but I want nothing to do with whatever this” and gestures between them “is. So, I’m going to bed because I have been awake for two days straight and I would like to sleep. Figure it out!” and Jiang Cheng turned and went to find his bedroom (which he shared with WWX. Considering the way they were looking at each other, JC was pretty sure he’d be spending the first night without a roommate. Again).

MEANWHILE, outside, Lan Zhan and Wei Ying are left staring at each other. (Well, WWX stares after JC for a minute, mouth open, but that fades quickly when he sees Lan Zhan staring at him, all intent.)

Wei Ying would normally begin to fidget, but he’s transfixed, heart in his throat, without a clue as to what to do next and—

“A-Yuan.” Lan Zhan said, and Wei Ying’s focus sharpens.

“A-Yuan?!”

Lan Zhan nodded. “I found him, after. He was sick. I brought him here, gave him the name Lan to hide him.” He opened his mouth as if to say more, but fell silent.

Wei Ying was staring with shining eyes. “He lived? My little radish...” he trailed off, staring into the distance. He frowned, shaking his head. “But Lan Zhan, why would you—”

“I should have been there,” Lan Zhan interrupts *interrupts* angrier than he had ever sounded, but even Wei Ying can tell that it’s not directed at him. He cools quickly. “I will not make the same mistake.”

He catches Lan Zhan’s eye again and falls silent. “Oh.”

And Lan Zhan steps back, like he hadn’t intended to let that slip. “If Wei Ying does not feel the same—”

“I do!” Wei Ying bursts out, stepping forward and reaching out, not quite touching. “I do. Feel the same,” he said, quieter this time, for the two of them. Lan Zhan’s expression doesn’t change, but something shifts and Wei Ying knows him well enough to know it as *joy*

And, Lan Zhan reaches out and takes his hand.

(Yes, they use the next several months to actually talk though their relationship, but this is effectively a speed run from the way they feel in Episode 1 to the steps of jinlintai, bypassing all the *plot* that gets in the way of their romance, but whatever, it’s my fic. If this was a wangxian fic first, then I might do the “WWX needs to get a clue” thing he has going in the book, but.... Honestly, I *adore* the idea of *gremlin couple wangxian* on what is essentially their honeymoon in gusu. Like - pre-sunshot Gusu is not *prepared* for post-Yiling Laozu LWJ.)

The next morning, JC arrives to classes with the rest of the Jiangs, not at all surprised to see Wei Ying standing with LWJ (though everyone else seems to be weirded out by it, which may be because they’re standing far too close). LWJ nods at JC, who nods back, grimly pleased to see that there was no longer an open front of hostility. JC wasn’t foolish enough to think it was gone completely, but at least they should be able to discuss business when necessary. (And some part of his mind absolutely began planning the wedding. WWX was Yunmeng Jiang, and if JC had anything to say about it, he would REMAIN YMJ until he was damn sure to remember that he can’t get rid of Jiang Cheng that easily... and JC would be DAMNED if he let Lan Xichen steamroll the wedding prep, which he absolutely would, hopeless romantic that he was).

They enter and settle into their usual spots, though LWJ hesitates when he realizes that his seat would not let him watch WWX. JC continues on to sit in his old seat, determined to see *as little of this as possible* and turns to look at Nie Huaisang, who—

Oh, sonofabitch, Nie Huaisang was back too. How the fuck did their ritual have enough power to drag *four souls* back in time, especially one from *wherever the hell WWX was* JC widened his eyes at him, clearly saying *WTF* which had Nie Huaisang giving him a *look* from behind his fan, which fluttered, agitated. JC rolled his eyes, cutting them over to WWX, who was blatantly staring at Lan Wangji, chin propped on his palm. (And if LWJ had his head tilted so he could look back, well, *most* of the class probably couldn’t tell). Incredible. Jiang Cheng turned to look at JYL, who was hiding a smile behind her sleeve, when movement behind NHS caught his eye.

Meng Yao. Oh, that wasn’t awkward at all. Nie Huaisang flicked the corner of his fan, and JC turned back aground, knowing they would talk later, and then they were all standing as Lan Qiren walked into the room.

Which was when it dawned on Jiang Cheng that he would have to take these classes again. Judging by the soft whimper behind him, Nie Huaisang realized it, too.

The class runs the same, as clear as Jiang Cheng can remember, even if the recitation of the rules seems occasionally pointed at Lan Wangji, which is odd. He doesn’t dwell on it, however. He’s gotten good at looking like he was paying attention while thinking of other things, and Jiang Cheng had a lot to think about.

~*~

Like before, WWX invites NHS to go fishing (and JC isn’t sure if he realizes that NHS has also come back yet - in fact, he’s pretty sure he doesn’t), only this time, JC agrees to go with them and WWX pulls LWJ along, leading the group far enough ahead that JC and NHS end up waking behind. NHS keeps up with looked wide-eyed and confused until they leave the main areas for the backwoods.

“So,” Jiang Cheng starts. “Something went wrong.”

“Obviously,” Nie Huaisang hisses, snapping his fan closed. “I woke up in the same room as him.”

JC winces, because yeah, awkward. “I’m a little surprised he’s still alive, actually.”

NHS’s jaw clenched, and JC was reminded very strongly of NMJ. “No one would support flat out murder, even if they don’t really care about the victim.”

“And it’s messy,” JC offered, dry. NHS looked at him from the corner of his eye.

“It’s so hard to get blood out of white fabric,” he agreed and JC laughed.

THAT gets WWX to spin around. “You laughed!” he accuses, pointing a finger at JC.

“So?”

“So I haven’t heard you laugh in years, Jiang Cheng!” he pouts. “Why do you laugh at his jokes and not mine.”

“You are an *actual child*--”

Then, of course, NHS gasps, his fan falling from his hand. JC, catches it, reflexively, startled at the horror he sees on NHS’s face as the show drops. “Wei-xiong, you— but you—”

WWX laughs awkwardly. “No need to worry, I’m —” probably going to say something about not being evil anymore, or not following the demonic path, but NHS cuts him off.

“Back from the dead!?”

Which is when JC remembers that they used Baxia in the ritual, and if his core was enough to bring back WWX, then maybe...

“Da-ge!”

MEANWHILE, in Qinghe, Nie Mingjue wakes up, which is odd, considering the last thing he remembered was dying. Perhaps he didn’t die? Unless the doctors had some new pain medications, he didn’t feel as if he had just had a near-fatal qi-deviation.

Tentatively, he opens his eyes and sees...his bedroom ceiling. How long was he sleeping that they brought him from Lanling to Qinghe? His door opens and he’s reaching for Baxia before he can think — and stops when he recognizes Nie Zonghui (though not before Zonghui notices the aborted movement). “Sect Leader....troubled night?”

Nie Mingjue snorts. “That’s one way to put it.” There’s something rattling around the back of his mind, some detail that doesn’t quite add up as Nie Zonghui helps get him ready for the day. It’s not just that Zonghui doesn’t seem surprised (or relieved) to see him up and awake, it’s the names that Zonghui mentions in is reports — names of disciples who are, like Zonghui himself, long dead.

It’s when Zonghui mentions that a messenger bird had arrived from Gusu that morning, carrying word that Huaisang had arrived safely and that Meng Yao would be leaving tomorrow to return to his duties that the other shoe dropped.

“Zonghui, there’s something I forgot to tell Huaisang. I need to send him a message, the faster the better.”

Zonghui gave a short bow. “Consider it done.”

BACK IN GUSU

Nie Huaisang was pacing atop a long, flat rock on the river’s edge. It wasn’t a very long boulder, maybe 5 or 6 steps at most, but it was dry so Jiang Cheng wasn’t too worried about him slipping. Besides, Lan Wangji was sitting only a few stones away, playing a soft melody on his guqin.

Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian were both in the stream, robes and pants hiked up to keep them from getting too wet, as they waited to catch their dinner. Jiang Cheng remembered getting upset about WWX fishing their second night there, blatantly flaunting the “no killing” rule, but if LWJ felt like indulging his soulmate, what the fuck, then who was Jiang Cheng to complain.

On the rock, Huaisang was plotting out loud, starting ideas and rejecting them just as quickly. “You know, if you put this much effort into your studies this time, you might not have to come back again,” JC called over. Nie Huaisand didn’t even break his stride, just flapped his fan irritably in Jiang Cheng’s direction.

WWX darted forward, pulling a wriggling fish into the air in triumph. “Jiang Cheng, catch!” He tossed the fish, and Jiang Cheng caught it with ease. He considered, for a moment, throwing it at Nie Huaisang, but he was getting hungry. He tossed the fish into the bank, where it wouldn’t flop back into the water. Lan Wangji side-eyed it, warily.

“You know, he’s not actually done anything wrong yet,” Wei Wuxian said. “Can you really hold him accountable for actions he hasn’t taken?”

That made Huaisang stop. “To a certain extent, yes, I can.” That got him a *look* from both LWJ and WWX. “Look, all the decisions we make are influenced by the lives we live. And no, as far as I can tell, Meng Yao didn’t come back with the rest of us - and I still don't’ know why you came back too, Lan Wangji,” LWJ makes a gesture that is far too elegant to be, and yet totally is, a shrug, “but so far, Meng Yao’s life is *exactly the same* as the Meng Yao who committed those acts. That means Meng Yao is the same man who WILL make those choices, barring a MAJOR shift in the way he views the world.”

“Can we cause that shift, then?” Wei Wuxian asked. “I just don’t know if ‘kill him dead’ is always the best course of action.”

Nie Huaisang’s eyes narrowed, a fraction of the coldness Jiang Cheng had seen that day seeping through, before his expression cleared a bit. “It would be a touchy subject for you, yes, but Meng Yao is not Wen Ning.” Wei Wuxian flinched, and, surprisingly, it was Lan Wangji that spoke.

“One cannot change another’s mind,” he said, vanishing his guqin and rising to his feet, one hand behind his back. “One can only show the path; only they can choose to walk.”

“And we have the path to show him,” Wei Wuxian argued. “Don’t we have a responsibility to try, knowing the damage he can do? If we know we have the opportunity to change things and save lives, are we not bound to try? Is that not why Jiang Cheng was sent back in the first place?”

“I’m fine with killing him,” Jiang Cheng said. “He deliberately uses his own weakness to learn the vulnerabilities of others, and then uses that as leverage to get what he wants and then discard them once his objective has been met. He uses Jin Zixuan’s better nature against him. He used Mingjue’s sense of fair play against him and then used his biggest fear to kill him, and he used Zewu-jun’s kindness as a shield.” He looked up at Nie Huaisang. “Though, if you’re right and he’s back too, Meng Yao might not live long enough for us to do anything about it.”

“Oh no,” Huaisang said, voice dryer than dust. “What a tragedy.”

“His information was key in winning the war,” Lan Wangji said. “Can we win against the Wens again without him?”

“Hey, yeah,” Wei Wuxian added. “Speaking of - am I going to have to...” he trailed off, miming playing a dizi.

“You better not!” Jiang Cheng snapped. Wei Wuxian looked at him in surprise, then smiled sadly.

“No, you said not to, and I won’t refuse a direct order from my sect leader,” he said. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I know how.”

“Meng Yao wasn’t actually that good a spy,” Nie Huaisang said, a faint frown between his brows that Jiang Cheng didn’t trust at all. It meant he had noticed something and was putting pieces together that Jiang Cheng wasn’t sure he wanted known. “More than once his information was either wrong or outdated. A lot of the correspondence was kept for our records, and I went back to check once I had my suspicions about him.”

“You think he was playing both sides?” Jiang Cheng asked. Nie Huaisang fluttered his fan and didn’t disagree.

Between them, Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian caught more than enough fish to feed Huaisang as well, and he and Lan Wangji were both invited back to the Yunmeng dorms to eat with them and their sister. Yanli was surprised, of course, but rolled with it well enough. Luckily, she had chosen to make a soup that was in line with Gusu Lan’s dietary restrictions, so Lan Wangji was able to join them. WWX and JC exchanged smug looks when Lan Wangji blinked down at his soup in surprise, and began to eat more quickly.

Later that night, while WWX was walking LWJ back to his rooms, Yanli poked her head into JC’s room. “Second Young Master Lan seems to have taken quite a liking to A-Xian,” she said.

JC nodded, because that was certainly one way to put it.

“Which makes sense, A-Xian can be very charming,” she continued. “But from what the other female disciples tell me, Second Young Master Lan is ...” he paused, and Jiang Cheng filled in:

“A giant stick in the mud?”

“A-Cheng!” Yanli scolded, but there was laughter behind her voice. “...essentially, yes.”

Jiang Cheng sighed. He had no idea what to say here. He was never good at lies, never LIKED lies, preferring to neither confirm nor deny another’s suppositions when the need for secrecy was necessary...and he had never been able to lie to Yanli. Never wanted to. And besides, Nie Huaisang hadn’t covered this possibility with him.

“A-Jie,” he said, “There’s something I want to tell you, but it’s going to sound like a lie even though it’s the truth. I need you to hear me out, and to believe me, and I will do whatever I can to convince you that it’s real and true.”

And...he tells her. Flat out, just tells her about living the next ten years of his life - the end of her engagement, the indoctrination in Qishan, the burning of Cloud Recesses and Lotus Pier, the death of their parents, losing his core, gaining his core but losing Wei Wuxian, the War, her marriage to Zixuan, A-Ling, Nightless City, Nie Mingjue, death after death after death — and Nie Huaisang, like vengeance made flesh, with a crazy, desperate plan.

“So, yeah. They’re close because they’re, like, in love or whatever.”

“Because they’ve known each other for ten years.”

“Seven,” Jiang Cheng corrected. “They only had seven.”

Yanli looks a little stunned wild-eyed. She had looked sad yet resigned when she had heard about her engagement ending, hopeful when she heard about their wedding. Her eyes had shone suspiciously when she heard about Jin Ling...a few tears falling when she heard about Qongyi pass and Nightless City.

“Do...” he began. “Do you believe me?” he asked, voice small and hating it, but he couldn’t stand it if Yanli thought he would make this up.

Slowly, she nodded her head. “It sounds...wild,” she said. “But I know my A-Cheng. He is honest, and would not make up wild stories like this. So, if A-Cheng says it, it must be true.”

“A-jie,” He said, and had to stop, his voice choked off, and when Yanli leaned in to hug him, his tears were sweet with relief.

~*~

The next complication came the next day, at the presentation ceremony, when, once again, Wen Cho showed up to interrupt Yunmeng Jiang’s gifting. It took everything in him not to punch Wen Chao in his smug face with Sandu unsheathed, and Wei Wuxian was a dark, simmering presence next to him. Somehow, the steps played out like they had before - a brief exchange lead to swords drawn, lead to Xichen stepping in and Wen Qing soothing tempers with quick words.

Jiang Cheng wasn’t prepared to see her again. Her, or Wen Ning, who was a remarkably still shadow behind her. When they left, his eyes stayed lowered towards the ground. There was nothing to make Jiang Cheng think that there was something different, except the long running knowledge that he had the worst possible luck.

WWX was strangely unwilling to approach Wen Ning first, though he clearly wanted to. Some misplaced guilt, perhaps. He still clung to LWJ’s side, which was in no way avoidant behavior, WWX, but Jiang Cheng was surprised when Wen Ning found him first.

“I knew it!” Jiang Cheng cried out, to everyone’s surprise, even Wen Ning. He gestured at Wen Ning. “WWX’s here because he’s tied to me, and Wen Ning here is tied to Wei Wuxian.”

“That still doesn’t explain Lan Wangji,” Nie Huaisang said, tapping his fan against his cheek.

“Nothing explains Lan Wangji.”

“Aiya, Jiang Cheng, so mean!”

None of this has much of an effect on the present moment, however, save that it causes Nie Huaisang to adjust his plans *again*. “No one else has better come back!” he demanded. “All of these calculations are hard, and I am *delicate,* Jiang Cheng.”

“Yeah, a real wilting flower.”

Later that night, just before curfew, a missive arrived to Nie Huaisang from his brother. Huaisang walked as fast as he could manage from the Nie Quarters to the Jiang, bursting into Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian’s room, holding the letter aloft, speaking as soon as he’s through the door: “It’s him! He’s alive! Da-ge’s back!”

Huaisang slammed the letter on the table, reaching for the nearby inkbrush, quickly grinding some ink to circle letters on the page. There, written in an otherwise standard letter reminding Huaisang to mind his studies and practice his saber, was the phrase: Do Not Trust Meng Yao.

TO BE CONTINUED....

[itsclydebitches]

Hey Clyde, did you check out Wonder Egg Priority at all? The first ep is super promising, but the series as a whole is one of those real fascinating disasters from a story and a production standpoint that might be up your alley as a thing to pick apart haha.

I’d warn that it’s also reeeeal offensive and this generally gets worse as it goes though.

Hi, Phoenix! How are you and Cube doing?

Okay, I hadn't watched Wonder Egg Priority when I received your ask this morning. Now I have. In a fit of intense curiosity I settled down for a rare binge session and tore through all twelve episodes + OVA in a single sitting. It is now nearly 3:00am as I write this because I, oh so clearly, make fantastic life choices.

A question for you: what did I just watch?

The rest is going under a read more partly for spoilers, but more-so because WEP—and the summary I'm about to give, because I feel like I need to try and explain this to tumblr's faceless void for my own, dwindling sanity—comes with about every trigger warning under the sun. Seriously, if you are triggered by anything that we might think of as a "standard" trigger (meaning, not unique to you and your own experiences), best to proceed with caution.

Right! What the ever loving fuck happened in this show? Well, let's work through this chronologically. Two genius, frat boy brothers (I get their names mixed up so I'm not even gonna bother) are locked in their apartment and closely monitored because of Super Secret Science Research. Even though, I think, they're the ones who created this company. Not important! What is important is that they're bored enough to create an AI for funsies, thinking of her as their daughter and letting her name herself Frill. Frill is the perfect, cutesy, also genius child who has a habit of popping her lips — which the camera focuses on in an incredibly creepy fashion. One day Brother #1 (the hot one) falls in love with a random woman we know nothing about and Frill gets jealous.

"Jealous in a general sense?" you ask, thinking this show is in any way normal. "Like, just of her Dad giving attention to someone else?"

"No," I respond, patting your hand. "Jealous because she's in love with him." Which, beyond the subject matter itself, comes completely out of nowhere. Frill has a line about what you'd do if some woman stole your husband away. I, fool that I was, briefly considered that these two guys were lovers, not brothers. Oh no. They're brothers. Frill just considers Dad #1 to be her "husband."

So, in true evil AI fashion, she murders the wife, leaving only her newly born child behind. Who is a daughter.

Uh oh.

Dad #1 locks Frill in a coffin-esque hole in the basement and goes on with his life. Things are great! Until years later when the daughter reveals that she has fallen in love with her uncle (Dad #2 to Frill). She knows (somehow??) that both her dad and her uncle loved her mom, so if the loser uncle will just wait a few years he can marry her instead! He brushes her off, but the next day she’s found dead of an apparent suicide.

Realizing that this was somehow Frill’s doing, he marches down to the basement and confronts the murderous child they’ve had locked up for years. She’s now surrounded by screens in, again, true creep AI fashion. How did she get all this while she was locked up? Oh, just the three bug girls she created as friends prior to killing the wife. They’re devoted slaves, I guess. So the uncle says enough of this insanity and seemingly sets Frill on fire.

OH and Frill’s subtitled dialogue also puts “uncle” in quotation marks, implying that the daughter was always Dad #2’s??

Anyway, both brothers are now super obsessed with death and claim that they think Frill has had a hand in lots of girls’ suicides, even now after her own death. This is brought into question later when it’s revealed that they might have just concocted this scheme to try and bring back their daughter. I’m really not sure. Regardless, they use hand-wavey science to create eggs that I guess contain the souls of young girls who have committed suicide, then they sucker in other young girls who have lost people to suicide to try and rescue their loved ones in a dream world, saving others along the way. A tomboyish girl, Momoe, lost a classmate who admitted to loving her, but who Momoe rejected. Rika, a former junior idol, used and rejected an overweight fan only to learn later that she’d starved herself to death. Neiru, the 14yo president of some science company (yup) was attacked by her sister before she jumped off a bridge. Finally Ai, our protagonist, is a victim of bullying who managed to make friends with a single girl, Koito, who then jumped from their school building for unknown reasons. They’re all given the chance to bring these individuals back to life, provided they protect other victims of suicide by defeating the monstrous traumas that drove them to that act in the first place.

And you know what? That concept was great. However, the execution ranges from “Okay, that was pretty good for an anime. Kudos there” to “That’s the most offensive thing I’ve seen in my life.” Needless to say, unpacking all the battles they fight would take a lot more than this already absurd summary. Basically, if you can think of something horrible to happen to young girls (and one trans guy whose existence in that egg undermines the whole message of the episode), there’s an attempt to tackle it here.

During all this the four girls become friends and Ai works through her suspicions about Mr. Sawaki, a teacher at her school. What’s going on with Mr. Sawaki? Uh… everything! He’s somehow connected to Koito’s death, he’s dating Ai’s mom, and Ai apparently loves him too because her friends say so, even though this is never actually addressed and she barely interacts with him. It’s all quite the complication.

In time though the girls complete their “mission” of bringing their loved ones back to life. Rika and Momoe manage it first, only to find that Frill’s bug-girl lackeys have arrived to kill them. Why? Because that’s what Frill does, I guess. Momoe’s crocodile familiar (cute animals the girls were gifted to help them fight) takes a killing blow for her and the bug-lady then proceeds to carve up his corpse and force feed it to Momoe. Fantastic!! Building off of that, the next bug-lady who Rika encounters kills her turtle too, following in the footsteps of her bug-sister by, presumably, forcing her to eat parts of its head. Ai refuses to sacrifice her familiar to stay alive, but luckily the suicide she was protecting turns out to be herself from a parallel universe (that's a thing now!) and she takes the killing blow herself, which is done by pulling out the eye she’s sensitive about (she has heterochromia.) So parallel Ai passes on (again?) and the three girls don’t work through this trauma at all, instead becoming more traumatized through the realization that the loved ones they brought back no longer remember them. They’re alive, but the relationship they all had with them is dead.

It’s about this point that the main storyline wraps up and I’m relieved that there’s an OVA to finish things off. Surely they can somehow bring this all together in 45 minutes.

…25 minutes of that OVA is recap.

So with only about 20 minutes left, we learn that Neiru, the only one to not complete her mission yet, has mysteriously gone missing. It turns out she was an AI/clone/something all along, made to replace her sister and, presumably, that’s what caused the whole stabbing-suicide incident. She successfully brings her sister back, but stays behind in the dream world because Frill promises her she can become human. How is Frill here when she’s dead? How will Neiru become human? Isn’t Frill the “temptation of death” or whatever? There are no answers. A flashback finally reveals that Koito was having a relationship with a teacher at another school, he committed suicide, she transferred, she tried the same thing with Mr. Sawaki, he kept refusing her advances, and finally while threatening suicide to get his attention, she accidentally fell.

(So why was she in the suicide egg if it was an accident??)

Except, all this information comes through Mr. Sawaki himself, there’s a whole subplot about whether he’s really a villain, or if Ai is just making him into one, and this show might as well be titled How Much Pedophilia Can We Put into One Anime? So make of that what you will.

A dead character randomly shows up, but it's fine because she's actually just a version from a parallel world. How did she get here? Why is she here? Lol, it's cute that you think these are answered.

Rika, the character who cuts and almost committed suicide halfway through the show, breaks down saying how much she misses her dead loved ones, right after her friends refused to let her go on another mission that would surely end in her death and… that’s it. That’s all we get about her.

Momoe too, though she’s hopefully just vibing somewhere with that longed-for boyfriend.

Ai transfers schools and then one day randomly remembers that she loves Neiru and rushes back to start cracking eggs again because that will? Somehow?? Let her see Neiru???

When I say there are too many unanswered questions to possibly list here I really, really mean it.

Finally, in a personal attack on me, the protagonist with a name that is literally AI is not in any way an artificial intelligence.

And that’s it! Congratulations, you now “understand” WEP. And see, the funny thing is that the off-the-rails, bat-shit crazy aspects kind of catch you off guard? Yeah, the first episode is fantastic. In fact, I think I got through about six episodes thinking that this was a solid, if at times really messed up anime, but I was willing to shrug off a lot of stuff due solely to the amount of sensitive material they were attempting to cover (which is always quite difficult to do). Probably the only reason I was able to binge so fast was because the first half of the series was so engaging. The characters are charming. The animation is GORGEOUS. There's actually a ton of good here that is also worth yelling about. But then the plot comes in like a freight train and I was left staring dumbfounded at my screen as more and more insanity kept happening. Having watched the "explanations" I am now more confused about the show I just saw.

Phoenix, if you’ve bothered to read this rambling, 3:00am rant: thank you. I think? Idk if I should actually be thanking you or cursing you for tuning me into this, but it was definitely an experience, that’s for sure lol.

I'm off to bed now RIP the chance of having normal dreams ✌️

[sk-lumen]

Need serious advice about setting boundaries or communicating when dealing with a person who:

Is a parent

Has unhealthy communication methods -- it takes very little for them to start full-blown screaming, shouting out all your 'negative' things/mistakes/past, can continue to scream-criticise you even after you've gone silent, for WHOLE MINUTES even if you've shut up, will not accept anything that even hints at them making a mistake

You can't trust since childhood coz u made the mistake of confiding in them with a serious issue as a young teen --- mental related --- and they belittled and invalidated you, and since then pretended you never confided in them and have NO IDEA how you've been coping without them or ANYone else for years... Yeah thanks, parent, what u said back then made me think I was the one at fault and so I stopped trusting even friends coz yeah, when ur own parent doesn't give a damn, why would anyone else?

Is a master at silent treatments without explaining what EXACTLY they're punishing you for, then when theyre in the mood, will start talking to you as if they hadn't ignored you for days. Lol I'd rather be water boarded I think. Especially for all the damage this caused when I was a child

Won't openly talk about what they want, yet expects ALL FHE TIME others (in the family) to know what they want, then will complain/scream/angry for AGES about how no one cares, no one gives a damn... And when someone asks them what they want, they either say: nothing, or "you should know! Can't u see?"

Upon asking them to please talk normally, will blow a fuse, and lose it --- happened multiple times today

Literally will use me as a scape goat to unleash their frustrations upon. Even when I leave the room, I can hear them b*tch about how much of a failure I am etc. The trigger being anything that bothers them, from a phone call to something other siblings did, bla bla. I limit my time with them... But it's like, it feels impossible to have them treat me normally, without ridiculing or criticising me. I'm already a very low self esteem person... This doesn't help AT ALL

In short, refuse to tell/ask/discuss important stuff, and getting mad randomly that no one read their mind, bcoz everyone's 'old enough to have enough sense' to know what they 'should' do... Eg will not pikc up the phone when we call them from the store to ask when what the needed isn't available, so what other alternative can we get... And then when we get home, will instead blame us for being fussy and not getting the alternative, completelt skirting around the issue they didn't deign to pick up the phone... I mean, I don't get it. In the past I HAVE in fact asked them to just openly tell me what they want/expect from me to make them happy... Got passive aggressive answers like "don't you know? Are you dumb?" Bla bla

Passive aggressive to the max when they've lost it

Expect me to drop anything I'm doing and immediately cater to them, and expect me to help them in their hobbies (while simultaneously, as I learned many years ago to much heartache, not being interested or even pretending to be interested in my hobbies. The disinterest taught me very quickly how much what I wanted meant, leading to years of self-invalidation. Luckily I've learned it really is them, not me. My hobbies are valid)

Will not talk about why they're feeling angry, what causes it. Instead will blame me, who's like the golden scapegoat in our amazing family, by saying :YOU made me negative. They've said it many times now... It hurts a lot, when I'm also struggling with my own issues which I ofc can't confide in them about :)

Today I manned up -- the outburst of hatred happened again! Over a simple thing. It was NIGHTMARE and made me angry/sad/frustrated/triggered---, and so I told them to stop talking like that... Boy was that the wrong thing to say... I don't think I can accurately tell u what happened afterwards...

Usually children learn communication skills from the parents... I at least learned to recognize the unhealthy ones, and what NOT to communicate like lol. Like, other parent is even worse, believe it or not. But that's another complex situation

I'm not bashing on the parent. Lord knows I even have that much of a right huh? I hate myself eveb more when they invalidate me if I try to show how MUCH THEY HURT me after a 'communication session'. As in, heaven forbid me if I BE SILENT afterwards and DON'T wanna listen to their retardation. Nope. Even then they provoke me, rage at me, you know how sometimes enraged people hiss vitriol thru gritted teeth? Yeah, that's what they did today after I stayed silent and tried to ignore them an hour later after the 'session' when they wabted something. It's like they don't even need me to say a word and will carry on and on for minutes 🤢

I feel alone, helpless and at a loss what to do

I want to move out. Due to severe mental issues I can't even move out rn coz it scares me even more. But this has to stop. Things are only okay if I'm absolutely passive, say yes to whatever they want, kill my wants and needs, and become a perfect robot bred to cater to them (parent)

I hope you can help me out, dear

Hi darling,

It sounds like you’re in a considerably toxic environment. I'm sorry you're going through this. Know that this is not normal, nor is it how a parent/child relationship should be. In case there's any doubt, let me start by saying you deserve to be supported, respected, listened to, to have your needs met. You deserve to live in an environment that offers you all of these things.

With that being said, from the many scenarios you’ve mentioned you’ve already tried reasoning and setting boundaries, to no avail. There is only so much you can do on your own, if the other person in the equation is not meeting halfway or at all. After all, a healthy conversation involves two people, not just one.

Here's my advice, in this order:

Calmly and maturely asking the respective parent to have a serious discussion with you and to listen to what you have to say. Share how their actions and behaviour is making you feel, let them know you care, and make sure to mention several solutions for the issue as well. If this doesn’t work…

Bring up the subject of needing help from outside, such as the assistance of a specialist/therapist. Family counselling can shed a lot of light on toxic behaviours that are ingrained from childhood (both in their case and yours), on fears your parent may have, stress from their work, whatever is causing their outbursts and anger - because there is always a reason. Behind anger is sadness, and behind sadness is some need not being met, or an underlying fear, trauma, etc. This is not a justification for their behaviour, they are responsible for it; this is simply the fact of how energy dynamics work. People bottle up their frustrations, fears, etc, and let them out on those closest to them, to whom they feel superior. It’s not fair, and it’s not healthy, but it is frequently how this pattern works. If this solution doesn’t work either…

Then unfortunately, all you can do is focus on yourself. If they refuse to meet you anywhere along the road, you have to pack up your things and go your own way. Literally or metaphorically. They may be your parent and you may love them even in spite of their behaviour, but you cannot hold yourself responsible for anything they say or do; that is on them. In those cases, you have to prioritize your own mental health and wellbeing, and focus on moving out. If your (home) environment is toxic, you have to focus on first changing it. That’s vital. Only afterwards can you start healing, refinding yourself, reclaiming your self-esteem and confidence, your sense of worth. As long as you stay stuck in a toxic environment, you cannot really heal; if there is abuse of any kind (physical, mental, emotional), the causes are still there, leading to re-traumatizing.

If for whatever reason moving out is not (yet) an option, I would emphasize seeking some sort of counselling for yourself, if nothing else. You need an anchor, some sort of support that will help you along your path until you do get out.

Now, I don’t know how old you are. I am going to assume you are over 18 and of age, so only mind my advice if that is the case. (As disclaimer, I don't provide advice to minors as it's not the scope of my blog nor am I specialized/focused on that area.)

I understand moving out seems scary because it is unknown, but with that line of thought you may wait another 10 years in the same situation. Wouldn’t you wake up 10 years later already having done the hard work on moving out, finding your independence, claiming your sense of individuality and moving on from this sort of environment, this phase in your life?

Sooner is better than later, but do so with mindfulness and care over your mental health, of course. I know it’s scary. But being an adult requires some difficult decisions at times, and setting boundaries begins with choosing your wellbeing and doing what needs to be done, even if it is something uncomfortable short-term, but highly rewarding and beneficial long-term.

Hope this helps... and wishing you much luck, clarity, gentle guidance and comfort.✨

PS: Lately I've been receiving longer and longer letters in my inbox. As solution, I was thinking of having longer asks/letters redirected to my blog where there isn't any length limit, and readers can more comfortably browse both my tumblr and blog - and those requesting advice can share and receive a more in-depth response.

-Lumen

[vortexbeyondthestars]

so a while back before i had tumblr i had a BIG zelda phase and with it came all sorts of fun things.

like making a crackhead zelda theory. and since i have no one else to share it with you all get it <3 how lucky

demise’s counterpart (+ history of lorule i guess)

yall i just came up with a crackhead zelda theory bc that’s how i do.

ANYWAY, what if majora is actually the lorule version of demise??? all we know abt majora is that it was created by some ancient tribe that used it for hexing rituals.

so what if that ancient tribe was in the original version of lorule, inhabited by the original people of lorule (as in, not the loruleans in albw), and the ancient tribe created majora’s mask, based on a god they worshipped, the god of chaos?

they used it for their hexing rituals, and powerful people such as the leaders of the tribe would get to wear it. however, when they wore the mask, they would become possessed by their god’s spirit, so the others could worship it. the mask gave its wearers great and strange powers that made them the most feared and respected person while they wore it.

however, after taking the mask off, the leaders would noticeably be crazier and less morally sane than before. the tribe still continued to use it, despite its effects, and the god grew more and more comfortable with the tribe and started to ask them for things like sacrifices and whatever else.

the tribe listened. it went fine for a long, long time, but then there was a breaking point when someone who wore had worn the mask had gone mad and slaughtered half of the tribe before they were stopped.

the tribe realized their mistake, and so they tried to hide away the mask.

the mask caused so many problems that “they locked it away,” according to the happy mask salesman. what if the golden goddesses and hylia noticed what was going on in lorule, so they created a twin for hylia to watch over lorule, who would be much like her but not exactly the same?

that twin would be loria, whom would eventually become hilda. loria chose her hero much like hylia, except loria’s was a man name ravio. ravio and loria sealed away majora for the ancient tribe. the goddess then breathed new life into the world, the loruleans were created, and the ancient tribe was allowed to stay in lorule as well for their part in helping seal majora away. (the ancient tribe eventually faded away and derailed into what we see as the monster cult, but that’s for later.)

but the seal was not perfect. loria knew this would happen, that majora would break free, so like hylia, she sent out herself as an incarnation.

like in skyward sword, the first hilda is taken to purify herself, while her counterpart ravio is trained to defeat majora. he has the counterpart of the master sword and the spirit, mi.

so ravio defeats majora, and it’s sealed away again inside the mask and not the sword like demise is, proving the be the first mistake the loruleans made. the only thing keeping majora inside the mask was the power of the master sword, which in turn was powered by the triforce and the golden goddesses.

however, majora gave one last final hurrah and spat a curse on ravio and hilda: they would be plagued for the rest of their incarnations of its chaos and hatred. this curse causes, you guessed it, yuga!

the mask was watched over for ages, while various incarnations were born, until eventually, one of the hildas destroyed the triforce. when the triforce was destroyed, so was the sword, and thus the seal on majora’s mask. so majora broke free and took control of its own prison, with nothing to contain it. this happens around the same area in the timeline as right before the child timeline in hyrule.

there were still yugas, though majora had broken free, its curse still reigned strong. this majora was not the same as the god anyway, it was a twisted version of it, driven mad in the time it was stuck in the mask.

majora became even more chaotic and demented than it was before its imprisonment. it no longer wanted to conquer- it wanted to destroy, and it wanted to destroy anything it could set its sights on.

however, majora realized that without most of its powers, it would be practically useless to try and destroy lorule, even without the triforce. so it wanders.

unfortunately for everyone, the first person who finds the mask is someone who isn’t exactly sane. this person put on the mask, and though they managed to take it off, they were driven mad. they stumbled around, wandering wherever their crazy mind told them to, the mask still trying to leech its mind. though majora had broken free, its powers were nearly gone, and so all it could do was try and nudge the person sometimes.

the person eventually runs into the happy mask salesman, who is traveling from hyrule in his attempt to find majora’s mask. luckily for him, the unfortunate person stumbles upon him. the happy mask salesman offers to take the mask from them, and so he finally succeeds in his goal.

the happy mask salesman was actually one of the last members of the ancient tribe. his ancestors managed to travel from lorule to termina to hyrule, and so the happy mask salesman grew up with the knowledge. he also grew up with the tales of majora’s mask and wanted to have the mask of his ancestors back in his hands, and he wanted to have its powers, too.

and majora recognized his aura from even far away, so he influenced its poor host to move towards where he was. majora knew that the happy mask salesman was a descendent of one of its creators, and so it wanted to find him.

and the happy mask salesman wanted to find the mask, too. he managed to get majora some of its magic back with his ancient magic.

side note: this is why all of the moon children appear like the happy mask salesman. majora remembered its original creators, but only barely. it modeled the moon children after the happy mask salesman because that was the only member of the ancient tribe it remembered.

anyway, many of majora’s powers are restored, except for the invulnerability to everything except for the lorulean master sword. since the sword is gone, so is its hold on majora, and in turn, so is majora’s hold on it. majora can be damaged by anything now, which is how link manages to defeat it.

skull kid steals the mask from the happy mask salesman, yada yada yada. then majora’s mask (the game) happens. the reason majora is so vindictive against link is not only because link “interrupted its game,” but also because link reminded him of the man who had sealed had it inside the mask in the first place… which makes sense considering that link is hyrule’s ravio!

anyway, majora is killed, and instead of being sealed in the mask like last time, it is released into the world, spreading like dust in the wind, since link was unaware of its true nature. it manages to return to its lorule, where it bides its time until it can strike again…

ok so there’s my background for majora n stuff, but now i wanna explain why i think this is a cool theory.

demise’s personality is quite the opposite of majora’s. demise seems to be calculating, having whole plans and grand schemes. majora is a psychopath. “lorule versions are just like their hylian counterparts in this version, though,” you must be wondering. i actually have an explanation for that!

when the triforce and master sword were destroyed, so was the hero’s courage, the princess’ wisdom, the incarnations’ incredible power and coldness. and the god’s sanity and calculating plans. ravio became cowardly. hilda became unwise. yuga became weak and reliant on ganon for power. majora become demented and psychotic.

essentially, it became the opposite of demise, just like ravio is the opposite of link, hilda is the opposite of zelda, and yuga is the opposite of ganondorf.

plus not only is majora’s mask in link’s home in albw, but there’s the mask cult in lorule. like i mentioned above, the ancient tribe eventually degraded into that masked monster cult, as all of their old customs got flanderized into what we see in the game. the only thing that remained the same was the heavy reliance on masks. they didn’t even remember their god, majora, but they would later…

yeah this became a LOT longer than i wanted it to be lol. i might add more later.