#why am i living like every moment of my life in fear that im wasting my time or doing something wrong or not good enough

[theygender]

*checking the tracking information for my package from under a pile of overpriced teas and vitamins* this next herbal supplement will fix me

[spenzitz]

MITSKI AND YUTA?????? IM LIVING FOR IT PLEASE ELABORATE 🙇🏻‍♀️

🤭 sooooo this is very much confident!reader but yk...

forget what i said about it not being problematic...

yuta has been thrown into this world where he knows nothing and is told he has tremendous power. even after he defeats geto, he's sent on all these jobs where no matter how hard he tries, people always get hurt. he has all the tools he needs to succeed, and yet he still fails. if only he were as strong as maki or as fearless as toge. he's simply not good enough.

so why did you take such an interest in him? you were stronger than him in every way (barring cursed energy output) and, most obvious to yuta, confident. you knew what you were and your place in the world, and you took it as your own. why would you ever care about a waste of space like him? he didn't get it. but he really didn't need to.

whenever you talked to him, he felt important. like he was worthy of being kept in the loop of your life. when you lend him a hand off the ground after being knocked down and brush off his shirt, inspecting him for any grass or dirt, he feels a sense of belonging to you. he's now something that should be taken care of. just your presence in his everyday life makes him valuable.

when you go away on a job for a few days, he finds it harder to take care of himself. you're working, so you really don't have time to reply to his messages or call him back. the whole first day goes by, and he realizes he hasn't eaten anything all day, he feels pathetic.

it's almost 10pm, and you still haven't seen the messages he sent this morning telling you and maki to stay safe. he figures he'll take his mind off you by catching up on his show and getting a snack before bed.

eventually, one episode turns into a whole season, and a snack turns into anything salty yuta can get his hands on. It's almost 2 am when yuta feels his phone vibrate beside him on his bed. he snatches it immediately and sees you've finally responded.

thank you, yuta! me and maki are ok, just exhausted. we should be home by midday tomorrow. ik you're probably asleep by now, so sleep well! <3

you thought he'd be asleep by now. there was no way he was going to tell you that rather than going to bed at a reasonable time, he actually binged for almost 4 hours straight. it's only then that he realizes his current situation.

yuta becomes painfully aware of his full bladder, sweat-covered body, and grease-stained hands. surely it hasn't been this stuffy in his room the whole time, right? yeah, the ac must have turned off... but he's definitely needed to pee since two episodes ago. and his mouth was so... dry? he felt disgusting. what would you think if you saw him like this? you'd probably lose respect for him, he thinks.

the thought of you knowing he devolves into this pathetic mess the moment you're gone terrifies him. this fear motivates him to get his act together. he leaves you on delivered and plugs his nearly dead phone in before heading to the showers.

once he's all cleaned up, he puts on pajamas to convince himself he'll get some sleep soon... he cleans up all the crumbs and throws away all the trash in his room. but of course, once all the trash is gone, he can't help but wonder if his room would look better with his bed in the opposite corner. well... he could just try it out and move it back if he didn't like it.

he, in fact, did not like it. but maybe if he moves his other furniture around to accommodate, it wouldn't be so bad right? this redecorating went on until the morning when his bed is back to where it started, and yuta gets dressed for the day, not getting an ounce of sleep last night. yuta wanted to push through until midday so you could see he was doing just fine.

yuta and inumaki are sparing when inumaki suddenly stops and points behind yuta. when yuta turns around to see what he's pointing at, he sees you and maki walking towards them on the field.

you all say hello and tell them about the mission, saying how you just want to sleep for the rest of the day. maki goes off to find gojo to report back to him, and before you can start heading off to the dorms, yuta offers to carry your bag for you since you were so exhausted.

you accept, and he takes your bag off your shoulder. you don't miss the small groan he lets out from taking on the extra weight. you both walk back to your room as you tell him everything that happened on your trip. as you walk, you notice him panting under his breath, trying to control his breathing.

you make it to your door and take your bag off his shoulder for him. you look into his slightly bloodshot eyes and ask him, "yuta, are you ok?"

yuta feels the weight of the world crashing down on him and strains to keep his tears from peaking over his eyelids. that is, until he feels your hands on both his shoulders, rubbing small circles with your thumbs.

he squeezes his eyes shut, knowing if he looks at you now, he'll break. he feels your hands slide down his arms into his own. you hold them so tightly like he belongs to you, and it's only natural.

"yuta." you start with a stern but still empathetic tone. "what's wrong?" you wouldn't know from how you're speaking, but he knows you're demanding an answer.

he slowly tilts his body forward until his head is perched on your shoulder and his face is buried in your neck.

"just glad you're home." he says, letting out a sigh before inhaling the scent of your body wash that still lingers. "how about we get some lunch hmm?" you say, bringing your hand up to lightly pat his head.

you don't give him time to respond before you're pulling away from him to lead him to the common room. he deserved to be taken care of. he was important.

me and my husband is probably my favorite mitski song next to francis forever(ik basic)

i deal with depressive episodes a lot so this is definitely me projecting in some way lmao i'm sorry 😭

ok well this is awkward... i'm so sorry i always bombard you win ;(

[milkeyrainbow]

Why can’t I just ask for help, a talk about how fucked my thoughts are…

Why my face brightens up and that fucking smile won’t come off each time I’m asked if I’m alright I automatically say “ Always and it’s wonderful “ while tightening my fists inside my pockets distracting my head from my scars that won’t stop itching and reminding me how much my skin carves more and it might be wonderful if I feed it my blood…

WHY IT TAKES HOURS TO GET MYSELF TOGETHER AFTER MENTAL BREAKDOWN AND DAYS OF GUILT, DISAPPOINTMENT, SELF DISGUST THEN ANGER TILL I RAGE HARMING AND START A CIRCLE OF ALIENATION.

And when it hits at work or in public, I might just… disappear for a moment and be back within blink of an eye👁️ no pain, no thoughts, no regrets, just more LIES AND THAT FAKE HAPPINESS AND PLAY PRETENDING THAT I CARE ABOUT EVERYONE AROUND… So I can burn down mentally, drain myself from every little positivity hidden inside me, come back home hoping that it’s the last trip of my life…

Realise what I’ve done to myself; just a little scratch to ground my thoughts and irritating itching, will be gone by tomorrow…- It won’t be gone, because it wasn’t just a “scratch” never was, never will be, just dirty, deep, trench dug deep under my skin that should be cleaned and stitched up or at least sealed tightly…

And the circle is closing… How could I let it happen? Why didn’t I just tell someone I’m not fine? I’m sure it was just a mark but.. I don’t even know anymore…

Now I’m sitting on the bathroom floor gazing into nothing, I hear the whispers, random conversation between people I care about, I know… I’m alone, nobody knows about my pretty little shiny mask I just wore crashing and falling into pieces… “ I forgot my prescription pills again… Well it ain’t helping shit” thinking that maybe the voices ain’t real but they’re right, I know- I am a fucking monster, I’m a lier, I’m useless, waste of air, a piece of flesh with no soul, IM NEVER ENOUGH, that’s why my father died, my grandparents, my friends, my dog- the only sunshine I’ve had left my childhood loyal friend, baby, reason I’m alive… GONE… I should join them… NO I SHOULD BREATHE AND GET THESE FUCKING PILLS all of them at once JUST ONE PLEASE ye one for each voice that’s getting louder and one for each death you caused I CANT BREATH I CANT THINK ITS TOO LOUD!

It’s cold I’m shivering on a bathroom floor, I’m naked and there’s blood all over me, my head hurts, I need something for that headache, I need to take pills and iron tablets… I don’t want to look, I don’t want to know, just lukewarm bubble bath… it burns, I don’t care anymore, I failed myself again, the weight and sick fear against myself crushes me down, I won’t be able to wash it off, NHS… well… pills might calm down vocal hallucinations but won’t calm down my thoughts and physical sickness I’ll carry with me for the next couple of weeks…antipsychotics and sleeping tablets are addictive so I’ve been told to go for a evening walk before going to bed *Qualified staff* NHS and my doctors didn’t stand even close to “qualified people” but I’ll take an advice…

And here I am, on the edge of a trespass bridge above M25, smoking cigarette and fantasising about death, the “ easy way out” I feel it, I’m waiting for that slight impulse that will take me to nothingness. TODAY IS THE DAY FUCK THAT SHIT!

“RAINBOW!” I hear my coworker in a distance, it has to be a pisstake mate! “ Are you alright? What are you doing here?” Annoying voice continues like a painful static in your brain. “Always, wonderful! Living the dream, ain’t mine but still, having evening walk advised, fresh air fresh mind, getting ready for tomorrow, it’s Monday innit” I feel my insides collapse, turning my stomach upside down each time I hear those words my mouth spits out without any consent… I’m scared, I don’t want to go through that again… If there’s God please have mercy…. My eyes are filling up with a single teardrop it managed to produce in the past two months as I walk off the trespass next to my colleague- She talks about some sort of inspection and a visit from higher management. I hear my voice, I can’t distinguish the words… I’m laughing and jumping from excitement… it feel like a movie but instead of being cosy and munching popcorn I’m hyperventilating and whining silently while shattered, sharp pieces of the mask that broke in the bathroom last night comes back piece by piece piercing violently my pale face, like little lightweight, mist-like raindrops when falling on your face in November evening as you gaze into the universe admiring its creations before the dark clouds will take it all away from you and the darkness will embrace you promising the sunlight in the morning…

My raindrops are made from glass and pins and razor blades, and it’s not like a mist, more like heavy rainstorm hitting your face as you speed 200m/ph with nothing protecting you from cruelty and reality of human trauma, mental illnesses, loneliness, worst fears, helplessness and lack of empathy and understanding… fear of rejection… No reason that keeps you alive, reason I’ve been looking for every single day, one point proving I me there is something… Everything loses its meaning, once your skin and flesh had turn into nothing and all the pieces that caused you so much pain drill into your skull… it turns into a new face, your one doesn’t matter anymore, nobody seen the real face why would they care, all THEY know is that shining smile, bright face that cares only about others, always happy and ready to cheer everyone around up! THIS IS THE FACE YOU DREAMT ABOUT! CONGRATULATIONS NOW EVERYONE KNOW YOU AS SOMEBODY THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE! IT WILL AFFECT YOUR ACTIONS TOO!

MAKE FRIENDS YOU WONT LIKE, GOING CLUBS YOU HATE, DRINKING TEQUILA! HAVING FUN, TAKE FUCK TONNES OF DRUGS AND SIGN UP FOR SHIT YOU WILL NEVER GO!

Sounds nice… it used to be helpful, most of the time it was fun, then it just went downhill, putting the mask on and taking it off hurts more and more, so you decide to leave it on, so it takes control over your body, it melts into one - The Monster that will slowly kill you, destroy your body, relationships, strong bonds you’ve been creating with family and childhood friends, it will push away people you love most and become nobody, It turns you into a cutting board, knife holder and tear keeper for anyone you meet. It will make fun of your own trauma and insecurities until it will wear off and eventually the mask will fall off your face and break into a bilion pieces and turn into a shotgun shell that will blow your face off twice as much as in the beginning, but until it will you’re left alone, bleeding out ashamed, scared and filled with frustration real YOU leaving you on your own with you people you don’t know in the body you don’t recognise anymore… it will wait for the annihilation of your own being… It will wait until you won’t be able to live your own live and proceed with eternal sleep hopefully or you will try to retrieve what once was yours, family, friends, old habits, just so it can come back again, causing more damage, so you will give up…

Time is verifying your choice slowly… DONT LET IT USE YOU AS OLD TAPE IN A LOOP, JUST LIKE UT DID TO ME AND AGAIN AND AGAIN… but each time I’m back to this monsters live I care less, I have no purpose in my life I want to die, but I won’t let my monster be, I will suffer as long as THAT suffers, I guess we both waiting for the moment where the body can’t handle no more and stops its function and will get buried with or without the mask on…

THIS IS THE WAR WITH MYSELF…

I don’t even know if all that make any sense I couldn’t stop writing, the whispers created a white noise and ye, this is how I feel and struggle with, English is not my first language but since I’m living in the uk it just comes and goes and… why the fuck am I writing it ? Nobody fucking cares, I’m laying in my bed isolated, no fucking intention to crawl out of it… is too loud, I need to hide my arms till it will heal up… and I don’t want that fucking thing back, I just want to be me, fucking rotting in bed no sleep no food just me myself and I and books and that fucking phone finally made something useful I don’t answer the text or calls, I’m talking with …. Nevermind nobody will ever fucking read it xd

Jebać stare baby prądem i czcić Boga Hideo KOJIMA amen 🙏🏻

Zagrałabym w death stranding brakuje 4 prepersow na full pizde i będę miała max, wszystko wbite, każdy zadowolony.

W tedy zacznę ja od początku na super hard.

Pozdrawiam… a chuj w sumie nie mam kogo NARTY SANKI DPIERDALAM.

[imnotbitteranymore-imsyrupysweet]

What Pride feels like to me.

lonely, dark, and heavy. hopeless humanity is all i can see through tear-filled vision, with no hope of ever living for me fully.

claustrophobic, agoraphobic and getting worse with every joke or post i see that’s homo/transphobic.

i’m scared to go to pride for mass shootings or bombings, so i think i’ll push myself past it but as i tell my parent i love them to get ready to go i’m suddenly overcome with the fear of everything. i swallow down my tears for moments more - turning back from the door, give excuses as to why that don’t force forth the cry. so i don’t sound dramatic when i say i was just afraid id die.

but i see it in their eyes too, i feel it in the tension of the room and the forced positivity for the rainbow under such clouds of gloom. they were just as scared, they just want me to be safe. Like any parent should want, right? their baby not to be scared to walk, day or night, that they don’t have to hide and could go outside the house as themselves without landing them in a life-or-death fight.

but the world is a scary place. but what they don’t get, see, or feel for me is, one less chance turns into yet another year of fear. another year of me, alone, crying in the very bedroom of my childhood home that i learned it all in. every single piece of me that i turned over in my tiny hands. the very ones i clasped every night praying it away, along with any people showing kindness of saying that who i was was okay.

the very bed sheets i muffled those cries into. the ones i bunched up to feel like i knew what it felt like holding someone in the night, too.

i wish sometimes to wring them thin, i have but not like this - i want to drain them of every tear. i want each and every one of them back. every drop of heartache, silent shatters for others hearts sake, every ounce of blood sweet and tears that it has come to collect.

i’m not sure why, or what i’d do with it.

perhaps, i could bottle it, and then see - see all those years of pain in silence, wasted, behind me.

maybe that’s it, maybe then i could move on from what haunts me. if i could just see it, make all of that hurt something physical to show me, validate me in all of it so i could let go of any of this.

i keep thinking i have and then im right back.. here. i still dress certain ways and am afraid of my natural ways. don’t be too loud, don’t draw attention, deepen you voice, talk proper non of that girly shit, walk straight, talk straight.

to be hyperaware of every aspect of myself even for the only thing i really leave the house for, walking my dog, is tearing away any bit of mental health i build. i thought- god, i don't know what i thought.

i guess i thought i’d never be back here. that by now, i would be in a place, at least of mind, where i was free to be me. but still i look in the mirror and so rarely just see me. rather, accompanying, always it seems, is every glare, every passing remark, every lonely day at school choosing that over getting made fun of or letting someone close enough, every time i averted my eyes, instead, looking to the ground when passing anyone in this god forsaken town. --------------

(sort of separate/i wrote this portion below, first, then once i started crying at the end of this i went back up and wrote all that.. so.. yeah. i feel a bit better now though) 

every time this month comes along all i can see are the thumbs downs out weighing the likes of articles for us

 i feel like a whale strung through with a harpoon they cruelly tie weights to once i’ve enough blows to fashion rope around.

i try, i really try, every year, if i’m honest, almost every second of the day to embrace myself and let go of all their hate. i try to focus on the love and the ones out there that accept us... but at the end, i always end up feeling that crushing feeling of hates weight, pulling down on me.

i want to be proud of who i am and exactly as i was made. how i am when i let go of the hateful, close-minded people out there and focus on only the peace i come to make in here. but i end up hunched over even alone, it comes infectious, seeping into my home. and again, i find myself hating who i am because even if i love me and they hate me, and i’m fine with that, but what gets me every time is the hate that others receive greater than mine, because i hide away. i’m a quiet gay, you could say.

i can go around and be just fine for the most part, but on those off days that i come to feel so comfortable in myself exactly as i’m made and i want to dare to wear something fashionable in a more fun way, i instantly wonder if i will be okay. if i’ll make it home or if someone will hit me, kill me, abduct me and release all their hate unto me rather than just through the violently, hateful words.

i don’t get it, i never will. i’ve been on both sides, explored so many faiths and philosophies to see everything from every angle, but i still will never understand why some people choose to hate, to hate another human that is merely loving, loving another human or themselves.

to love this self that you say is created in gods image, and whom this god loves so dearly that he killed his only son for. just like you, he loves us in our sin. if you must call our love this.

but, let me just say this. as much as it hurts, i gladly will die and i cry in my sin of true love. i just hope you one day can see that you will die in your sin of hate if you don’t reflect and change your ways.

my heart, overcome with love for all humans exactly as they are in their good and bad, makes me weep, it always has. and i don’t pray, least not in that way, but i do pray that i keep hold of this, this heart, as soft as a baby birds despite all the hate it gets. and i pray that yours too may soften, and actually hear the truth that sings throughout all of time and space; that, above all we should love, and as challenging as it may be, everyone from you to me, that is the whole human race should love no matter what they face. it’s terribly hard but i am grateful for all that i’ve gone through thus far for it has made my heart grow, my mind too, in order to love all humans the way in which i do. i only pray, or wish whatever suits you, that you receive this grace too.

(It seems, pride is still fear. And that i don't know any other way to be)

[harmcityherald]

Im not here to entertain you. Strange coming from an artist isn't it. These pages fill my quiet moments. Don't get me wrong, I love being here for my dear readers. Even if there are few or one. I am hungry for expression. I always have been. I like to make people laugh. I like to make them cry. I like to show them things they might not have seen. I like to make them feel uncomfortable with their own shortcomings or to bare mine naked to the world so we can be imperfect together. I bare my angers and my fears and my longings and my tears. mostly to an empty amphitheatre. If there was some permanence to our digital headstones we could feel comfortable that our words might stand forever. But as I have extensively prattled about nothing in the entirety of the known universe lasts forever and our words so fragile, a literal wisp of air manipulated by our meaty vocal cords is probably the most transient of all. put it on paper, it withers. write it on stone, the winds erase it. there is no medium that lasts. the universe itself, in its finite existence, is itself the very body of impermanence. So entertaining you is pointless. trying to change your point of view is tenuous at best. its so very easy to come to the conclusion that nothing we do matters anyway. the greatest book, the greatest song, the greatest poem, the greatest paintings and sculptures, all simply awaiting their time to disintegrate to dust. the sun enlarges and engulfs the earth and every city, every tree, every small mollusk creature, and us if we are still here will burn away to unrecognizable ash. the galaxy eventually merges with Andromeda and who knows maybe the collision of two supermassive black holes destroys both galaxies. the universe herself, destined to slowly cinder out like a dying campfire. I can tell you that I will love you forever but what is forever? does forever and infinity even exist? and if it does, for how long? "nothing lasts forever, of that Im sure"

Should I end on an upbeat note? of course the time we do have we should exhalt in until its gone. not much of a consolation prize is it?

One advice I can give. due to the impermanence of everything why not do exactly whatever you want. and anyone tells you different then fuck em. kick em in the canolis to prove that even they are living on borrowed time.

the universe is a testicle, kick it.

its not like you're a permanent resident. you are no more a king than the flowers trampled beneath your feet. you are equals. formed from identical atoms only vibrating at different frequencies.

so I gave up on legacies. of course I will leave my family all that I can and my most valuable materialistic possession is the manor. I hope it serves them as it has served me.

go enjoy the time we have. stop putting life off for some after life religion. that will poison your mind. yes the truth of the future is scary and sad. its more difficult to deal with than a fake god on a cloud hurling thunderbolts. cop out if you must. I see a zillion teenagers who may one day solve our destined to die future. stop putting them in jail for breaking laws in a 3000 year old incoherent book. you are wasting our time. who knows how much of it we have left?

lets not let the assholes run it till it fails.

[thegodwithin]

hi! im kind of new to law of assumption and old to law of attraction. law of assumption is not a hard concept but im a bit confused. i find myself reacting to the 3D too much and like i find it hard to persist? what do i do to make persisting easier? i think it’s because i don’t know much about what im getting into?? all i know is affirm and persist and etc. i hear things like time is an illusion, the 3D is an illusion, circumstances don’t matter, we are all gods of our reality. but WHERES the proof?? i can’t blindly follow people’s success stories because im not them and if we are truly the gods of our realities, doesn’t that mean someone else can manifest failure in mine? like i want to use law of assumption and i want to believe to get what I want fast and easily BUT i want to know how it works and that im not following a delusion to make myself feel better and in the end, I am just left with disappointment and failed attempts at manifesting that left me with the consequences of my actions. ive been in the community for almost 2 years and i don’t think ive ever gotten results. i am not usually agitated but it’s exhausting. i affirm and persist and nothing shows up and im worried im doing it all wrong so i ask and now I’m even affirming wrong?? I know manifestation is supposed to be easy and not feel like a chore but how can it not when everything I desire is of so much importance to me. I can even dm you, just please help me so I can actually manifest what I want. I’ve done self concept but I keep breaking. I don’t even know what affirmations to use to combat my limiting beliefs. Tbh I’m tired. I feel like if someone explained to me how this works and how to do it with no mistakes and how to keep faith in the unseen, I could actually get what I want. I keep failing and failing because I affirm and persist but I affirm wrong or I have a limiting belief that hasn’t been uncovered yet. I’m so exhausted and I just want to get what I want. I just feel like if someone told me how it works and exactly what to do, I wouldn’t be so confused and find it hard to persist.

Hey, so I just want to say that I really understand you. It’s funny how as I read your ask for the first time it really stood out to me how it was reflecting my current state at that moment so thank you for sending it. I will try my best to answer your questions but I'm still figuring this stuff out myself so I'm also just going to recommend some material that should help. I’ll put all the links at the end of the reply.

I have broken up your ask into several different topics and I’ll be addressing each one separately so please bear with me here.

This is the longest reply I've ever written so the rest is under the cut

law of assumption is not a hard concept but im a bit confused.

i think it’s because i don’t know much about what im getting into?? all i know is affirm and persist and etc.

I just feel like if someone told me how it works and exactly what to do, I wouldn’t be so confused and find it hard to persist.

The first and most important thing I want to say to you is that you should really learn from the source material, which as far as I’m concerned here is Neville Goddard. I know there are other teachers like him but he’s the main source most blogs and youtubers make their content from. And frankly a lot of posts on tumblr seem to really simplify and reduce things to the point where you get to this idea that it’s all just affirming and persisting which I really can’t agree with. That’s a conclusion one can reach after learning this stuff, processing it, experimenting with it and realizing what works best for them. But there are certainly other factors involved in the process, whether the person was aware of them or not. This also goes for youtubers and coaches in general. All these people are speaking based on their own experiences with the law. Through the lenses of their own beliefs, limitations, etc. So it’s only natural that they will sound different from each other and their message and style might not resonate with every person in the same way. Which is why you’re not supposed to just accept everything you hear or read at face value. Apply it, experiment with it and make your own conclusions.

like i want to use law of assumption and i want to believe to get what I want fast and easily BUT i want to know how it works and that im not following a delusion to make myself feel better and in the end, I am just left with disappointment and failed attempts at manifesting that left me with the consequences of my actions. ive been in the community for almost 2 years and i don’t think ive ever gotten results.

Most of us come into contact with the law from a negative situation and looking for a quick fix, and what we end up finding is a whole lot more than we ever bargained for. These teachings challenge everything we have ever known and accepted as absolute unchangeable truths in the world. And we are also dared to accept the responsibility that we were the cause of our entire lives?! It’s a lot to take in. You can’t be one foot in and one foot out. You’re trying to manifest something but you’re not seeing results. If you’re looking for results then you weren’t truly committed to living in the end and you haven’t really changed. You must notice the change within first, before the outside world can reflect that. You just give yourself what you want in your mind, and you keep doing it, day in and day out, with complete disregard for what your outer senses are telling you, until it hardens into a fact.

i find myself reacting to the 3D too much and like i find it hard to persist? what do i do to make persisting easier?

Battling with the 3d can certainly be painful and it just turns into a vicious cycle, because the more attention you pay to something, the more it gets perpetuated in your reality and in your experiences. I’ll be honest with you, sometimes I struggle with this as well. If anything, at least remember to prioritize your feelings at every given moment. If you notice that you’re feeling bad / reacting negatively to the 3d, stop and ask yourself: what do I want? or what do I want to feel?

Usually when I do that my mind automatically shows me the answer and then if I can enter the reality (within me, in my mind with my thoughts and feelings) where those things are true, suddenly that circumstance I was just reacting to doesn’t matter anymore. Because I feel fulfilled within now.

Just start allowing yourself to have what you want, no matter what. Practice putting yourself first, before anything else, before the circumstances around you, before what others might say or do. Even if the 3d looks bad right now, you deserve to feel what you want, you don’t have to keep putting yourself down because you haven’t seen an outside change yet. And the truth is that you won’t see a change if you keep watching the 3d and taking score from it. Because it can only change after you do. Because it’s a reflection of you. Allow yourself to feel that relief and satisfaction, in your imagination, everyday. Make it a habit and little by little you will have changed your mindset, entering a new reality.

Everything in your 3d world is an illusion in the sense that it’s not the truth. And this is because everything that you experience with your senses, in your 3d world is a direct reflection of you. You are everything, and you are everywhere you go and every person you meet. You can only ever experience yourself, nothing else. Nothing exists outside of you. Everything begins and ends with you.

and if we are truly the gods of our realities, doesn’t that mean someone else can manifest failure in mine?

You are God of your own reality. There’s only you in your reality. Nothing else and no one else. So everything and everyone that shows up is under your influence. IN YOUR REALITY. You can’t really access other people’s realities or inner worlds, and likewise they can’t reach yours. Even what you perceive as things outside of you pertaining to other people’s lives and experiences are still coming in through your own lenses, of the concept you have of that person, of the expectations and beliefs you have about them. This is why you shouldn’t bother with anything but yourself. Because it’s a waste of energy. Because everything you will ever perceive will come through you first. You can’t experience anything but yourself, your beliefs and your expectations. If you believe others can influence your reality then you are living from fear and you are giving your power away.

i hear things like time is an illusion, the 3D is an illusion, circumstances don’t matter, we are all gods of our reality. but WHERES the proof??

Instead of trying to manifest things in order to “see proof”, just let things happen and watch yourself during the process. Start really paying attention to what you’re thinking and feeling on a daily basis. Notice that your thoughts and reactions come from a certain state of being. Notice how people act in ways that you expect them to, because “that’s just how they are”.No, it’s because that’s the concept you hold of them in your reality, and they treat you according to the concept you hold of yourself. By doing this you will start to realize the connection between what has shown up in your life so far, and the person you were identifying with within. And when I say identifying with, I don’t mean something like an affirmation such as “I’m confident”. Your identification and basically your self concept comes from your perspective, the way you see things, the way you react to things and the way you act, the thoughts you have and what you accept as true. Those will show you who you really are.

i can’t blindly follow people’s success stories because im not them

The thing with success stories is that as much as they can be motivational, the process and the factors are always the same. They succeeded because they managed to change their mindset, they entered a new reality (within), they changed their dwelling place (the state of being they return to the most) and their outer reality simply reflected that change. Their circumstances are irrelevant and the only thing setting them apart is the techniques they used and how long it took for them to actually shift their mindset and accept the new reality they wanted. Techniques are not really that relevant because they only serve to aid you into moving states. So at this point it’s really just about what works best for you.

i affirm and persist and nothing shows up and im worried im doing it all wrong so i ask and now I’m even affirming wrong??

There’s no such thing as affirming wrong. And please take affirming off the pedestal. It’s just a technique and you don’t need to use it if it’s troubling you. Affirmations are just thoughts you would be having if you were living in the end. So their purpose is only to help make you feel like you are living in the wish fulfilled. There’s no point in affirming all day long if you keep feeling like you’re in the same old shitty reality. Again it’s the same thing I’ve been saying before. You can’t affirm for two opposite things at the same time and get the result you want. Use affirmations as much as you like but watch yourself for the rest of the time.

The reason this isn’t a trying process is because you’re not attempting to do anything to get something. You are simply being in a different way. You are changing your mind, changing your thoughts, choosing better feelings. This is a lifestyle change. If you accept the law, your entire perception changes. Nothing is ever the same as it used to be. This can be a hard pill to swallow but at some point you gotta be honest with yourself. There is no trying. There is only doing and there is only being.

i am not usually agitated but it’s exhausting.

I’m so exhausted and I just want to get what I want

You’re exhausted because you keep going back and forth between what you want and what has shown up. You need to pick one side and stick to it. You need to dive so deep into the feeling of what you want to the point where thinking the opposite feels unnatural. I know you don’t wanna hear this but thinking you’re doing something wrong really is also getting in your way. Think about it this way: you’re in the end goal, you’re there, it’s done, you got it. Would you be thinking about ANY of this stuff if that was the case? Would you be doubting and having all these fears and looking around everyday to make sure it’s still there? We both know you wouldn’t.

You just can’t have it and wonder where it is at the same time. You have to stick to the end goal and reject anything that contradicts that.

I know manifestation is supposed to be easy and not feel like a chore but how can it not when everything I desire is of so much importance to me

People say manifesting is easy and fun because you’re just supposed to satisfy yourself within by giving yourself what you want. If it feels like a chore then you're not giving yourself what you really want. You are focusing on what you think you should be doing and you are also keeping yourself hostage to your unwanted circumstances. If your desires are so important to you then stop putting conditions on them, stop looking for excuses to deny yourself of them. Get drunk in the feeling and the knowing of their fulfilment. Let go of all the doubts and fears, turn your back on your senses telling you it’s not here yet. Be stubborn and stop taking no for an answer.

You’re coming from a place of: I have all these unwanted circumstances and I want to have xyz instead, but no matter what I do, things aren't changing.

If you had xyz by now, would you still be repeating the unwanted circumstances in your head? Would you be thinking about them? Would you be reacting to them? Would you be identifying with this version of yourself that can’t get what you want?

No! You would be living your life, doing the things you enjoy, your duties and responsibilities, resting in the knowledge that you got that desire. It’s a reality now. It’s part of your life. You’d be living from that perspective.

You're keeping the unwanted stuff in place by reaffirming them, by looking at it everyday and going “yep, still here!”, you’re still accepting it as true for you. You can’t keep your attention on something without getting more of it. You need to die to the unwanted reality. Never to be seen again.

I’ve done self concept but I keep breaking.

Self concept is not a technique that you do once a day. Self concept is who you are. It’s how you behave and what you think all the time, every day, all day. It's what you believe and accept as true for you in all aspects. I think this community has been breaking up the law into bits and pieces, as if there are all these separate factors and steps you need to take, and it’s done more damage than good because it’s actually literally all the same thing, it’s all connected. Once you change through the means of one aspect, the other aspects change automatically. Self concept, mental diet, states, it’s all connected, they all lead to the same destination, you. Neville uses these terms interchangeably, to get his point across in the best way he sees fit at that moment, but he’s always talking about the same thing. So bottomline is that if you “keep breaking”, then you’re still in the process of change, you’re going from one state to the other, from unwanted to wanted. Back and forth. You’re still falling for the illusion of the 3d world and you’re still feeling the pull of your old story. You need to take a stand and decide that enough is enough. No longer accept what you don’t want. You’re the only one making the choice here. No one is forcing you to stay in the unwanted mindset but your own habits and comfort zone.

I don’t even know what affirmations to use to combat my limiting beliefs. Tbh I’m tired. I keep failing and failing because I affirm and persist but I affirm wrong or I have a limiting belief that hasn’t been uncovered yet.

Look, there’s nothing to combat here. There’s no war going on. It’s all just you. You don’t have any blocks or limiting beliefs you need to overpower. This isn’t a good perspective to hold. You ARE the power. I fought these types of statements for a long time but I can understand it now. You need to stop focusing on limiting beliefs or blocks. Stop thinking AND believing that you have problems that are getting in your way and that you need to overcome them. By holding this perspective, you’re only going to create more problems to overcome. Remember what I’ve been saying that you’re in the end now? Are there any blocks in the end? When the wish is fulfilled? I don’t think so and neither do you! I want you to take the challenge to declare to yourself that you no longer have any limitations. It’s all gone! You’re free now! I want you to wake up everyday and before you get out of bed, you remind yourself that hey, all that stuff is gone now! Nothing to worry about anymore! How good is that?!

I feel like if someone explained to me how this works and how to do it with no mistakes and how to keep faith in the unseen, I could actually get what I want.

You keep the faith in the unseen by believing and trusting in yourself. If you accept that you can do anything, that you deserve what you want, that you are the operant power and that everything is coming FROM you, then you know all you need is yourself. Idk it truly is a leap of faith, you need to make a choice. Do you want to live by what is outside of you, or by what’s within you? If you accept the law as true, then you have no choice but to start living by what’s within you. If you’re still sitting there thinking that your world is ruled by the circumstances outside of you then you don’t believe a tiny bit in any of this stuff. You’re truly wasting your time if you hold that perspective in place.

Okay I hope this whole essay I spent hours on helps! Now let’s get you those recs!

You can read most if not all of Neville's work for free here: https://realneville.com/

These are my current favorite Neville Based Teachers:

I am Love / Feeling Twisty (he's also on apple podcasts and spotify I believe)

Here's my own personal playlist of Neville based videos on youtube

There's a LOT of good stuff on reddit tbh, here's pretty much everything I have saved from there:

(ps.: it's good to check the comments on reddit posts because there's usually discussions happening and you can find some good pointers)

EdwardArtSupplyHands Series / Quote

ALLISMIND:

Feelings are your power

How thoughts and beliefs become reality

Overthinking

Superman's way of life

Thinking positive

Living from the Law

There's no reality

You don't believe in the Law

Nothing will change your mind

(ps.: he has A LOT of content, these are just the few I looked into)

Other posts:

Change your mind

It's Real. Success Story

Decide what you want

Self concept and personality

Self concept and self love

Letting go of control

Don't rationalize it

The state of the wish fulfilled

Checkmate 3D

Planting the seeds

Don't react

Faith and Knowledge

Slacker Manifesting

Persistence assumption

Don't complicate it

All you need is reassurance

Brazen Impudence

Manifesting is easy

Practical guide

Why circumstances don't matter

Commit to your desire

Ignore the Outside

Clarifying the Law for beginners

(ps.: These aren't 100% accurate tittles, just based on the actual tittles)

[bloomingnono]

meant it. (part 2)

pairing: jeno x reader

genre: angst, fluff

word count: ~ 1.7 k

warnings: language (like one curse word akjds)

intro l part 1 l part 2

a/n: im so sorry for the long wait:( i wanted to make sure i did my best, and wrote something i was overall pretty content with! but here’s the second, and final part to “meant it”!! i hope you all enjoy, especially my dear 🍿anonie<3

also not me making major adjustments 5 minutes before posting💀

taglist of my loves: @luvlyjaemin @vera-liscious @lenaluvs

Your bed felt cold. The type of cold that left your body weak. And yet again, you found yourself fighting to let sleep consume you.

You hesitantly turned to your left side, hoping that maybe, this was all just one big nightmare. That maybe when you turned around, he’d be there.

But you were only met with the other side of your bare bed; your lamp casting an amber tinge on your snow-white sheets.

Four weeks had passed since those final words had been exchanged. He had left you broken.

To say you missed him was an understatement.

You longed for the way your heartbeat quickened at his sight. You longed for the way your stomach fluttered as your name effortlessly slipped out of his lips. You longed for his touch; the way his fingers lingered against your skin.

You missed him.

But at what cost? To hear those three empty words leave his mouth?

No. Never again.

It was unfair to Jeno. But most of all, it was unfair to you.

You didn’t deserve to be told such idle lies.

Especially not from the one person you would give up your entire life for.

Jeno was a naive soul; so sincere and trusting of what only met the eye.

Mistakes were a daily occurrence in his life; learning and growing from them as he paved his way through.

.

But the second you left, he knew he had made the biggest mistake yet.

.

On the night when everything ended, there was an inexplainable feeling of void growing within him.

He didn’t have a reason to smile, nor the energy to cry.

Unlike anything he’d ever experienced before, he felt incomplete. It left him numb.

Before he knew it, four weeks had already gone by.

Four weeks since he last held your frame in his grasp. Four weeks since he last saw the face he once fell in love with. Four weeks since he left you utterly broken.

But in those four weeks, Jeno wasn’t living. He was simply existing.

He was merely left in his world; his actions and their consequences, being his sole companion.

He knew it was unfair to continue to lie and prolong the inevitable. But, why did it feel so wrong? It was the right decision to choose... right?

‘To choose.’

It seemed like such a simple action. It was something we did on a daily basis; nearly every second of every day.

Yet it held so much influence.

Jeno had finally realized that now.

Everything in life was purely a choice.

.

Everything.

You lie on your bed, your mind lost in all the bumps and ridges that painted your cream-colored ceiling.

It was late into the night, the moon peeking its way through the slits of your window blinds. The silence was peaceful, yet deafening.

Despite the unsettling aspects of the stillness, you’re ready for it to devour you; yearning for that feeling of tranquility that you haven’t felt in weeks.

But just as you are about to give in, you’re abruptly interrupted by frantic raps on your front door. Jostling up into a sitting position, you force yourself off your bed to check and see who was causing such a fuss.

The knocks on your door persist, not allowing for a single moment of intermission.

Apprehension quickly overtakes your body, frightened at what could possibly cause such actions to befall at this ungodly hour.

You hesitantly grab your doorknob, carefully turning it and opening the door just a fraction of the way.

You are met with a hunched figure; their hands on their knees and their hair damp with —what can only be assumed as— sweat. Their labored breathing leads you to believe they had run here, and hastily at that.

After a few short-lived seconds, you carefully try to assess the situation; fear still coursing throughout your body.

“Can I help you..?”

The figure instantly tenses at your tone, as if taken aback by the sound of your voice.

You watch in confusion as they begin to catch their breath, and stand to their full height. Straining your eyes to try and identify their face, you’re left frozen at the single feature that was recognizable even in pitch darkness.

His eyes.

You instinctively take a step backward, distrusting your vision.

But your presumption reigns true, as the figure tentatively takes a step forward through the doorway; his face now fully illuminated by your foyer light.

.

Lee Jeno.

.

He seemed to be in a terrible state: his hair a mess from the sweat, his clothes violated by the wind, and his breaths still quite uneven.

You attempt to try and form a coherent sentence, but the words seem to die in your throat. You could only look up at him, staring blankly with your mouth hung open.

“Wha... What are you doing here...?”

“I came to see you. I needed to talk to you. Immediately.” His expression was unreadable, yet his tone held the familiar hint of desperation. “I miss you. I want— No. I need you back. Nothing in this world seems right when I’m not with you. I’m not who I am without you. I need you…”

The silence that follows is unbearable.

It takes a few moments for his words to sink in. You feel your eyebrows furrow in confusion, contorting your features into a frown.

But the confusion is quickly replaced with the dreaded feeling of anger. It swiftly fills your entire soul, kindling a flame. The one emotion you tried so hard to repress, viciously engulfs your entire body.

The words that had once died in your throat, quickly resurrect and force their way out of your mouth.

You find your voice again. However, this time, it is nothing but cold and bitter.

“Lee Jeno, I love you. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m still hopelessly in love with you, because I am. But you aren’t. And that’s why I let you go.”

The floodgates were finally opened. There was no going back.

“As much as I still loved you, and as much as it killed me to accept that you didn’t return those feelings for me anymore; I let you go. Want to know why? Because your happiness means so much more than my own. I let you go because I love you so fucking much.”

Jeno stares at you with wide eyes, unable to summon a statement that could somehow ease the pain in you eyes. “I-“

“No, listen!!” Your voice begins break, unable to keep your emotions at bay. The words flow out of your mouth quicker than your mind could process. “I wanted to blame you. I wanted to hate you and resent you so badly for everything you put me through, but I couldnt. Because I still fucking love you!!”

The last statement leaves your throat raw. But you persist.

“You really got some nerve, Lee Jeno.” You laugh humorlessly at the pure audacity, before turning back to him with a renewed flame.

“You left me absolutely shattered. And I couldn’t even hate you for it. I refuse to let you hurt me again. I refuse to watch, as the love for me floods out of your eyes again. I REFUSE!!!”

Every last bit of your energy is wasted on your final words as you scream them at the top of your lungs.

The angry tears streaming out of your eyes seem endless. Your whole body trembles with pure fury as you collapse to the floor, legs giving out beneath you.

Jeno instinctively scrambles to your side, supporting your fragile form with his own.

Too weak to fight against his hold, you allow yourself to be braced by him; the touch being all too familiar for your liking.

“Why? Why are you doing this to me?” You purposely avoid his gaze as you ask, your voice impossibly faint. You’re left completely exhausted; the anger quickly transforming into pure defeat.

There’s a moment of hesitancy. You feel the sharp intake of breath that he takes before the reply is given.

.

“I... love you.”

.

Those three words that you once adored, and now despised... Those three words that had eased all your pain, but now caused your suffering...

Those three words... were no longer hollow.

.

He meant it again.

.

A chill swiftly travels down from the top of your spine to the tip of your toes, leaving you senseless.

He promptly proceeds; the hesitancy in his tone now replaced with a new-found determination.

“I love you. And not because I have to, but because I want to.” Cold fingers gently grip your chin, tilting it up to meet his gaze. “Loving you is not merely a spark. Loving you is not lust or simple desire. Loving you is a commitment. I want to wake up every day, and choose to love you.”

There’s another moment of silence; tears of regret traveling down to drip from the point of his chin.

“I’m so sorry for... everything.” He chokes back a sob as the words get caught in his throat. “I loathe myself for being the cause of all this. I will never forgive myself for hurting you and... and I completely understand if you aren’t willing to forgive me either-“

Before he could finish, you crash your lips onto his; successfully silencing his statement. Tears continue to descend both your guys’ cheeks, unable to subside from the overwhelming sense of comfort that came with being in the others’ warmth again.

You sense a familiar arm snake around your waist, pulling you deeper into the contact. Your own arms loop around his neck, absorbing the touch that you had longed for, so intensely.

You pull away from the kiss, coming face to face with the love of your life.

.

“You have no idea how much I missed feeling those words.” The sentence is muttered, speaking to yourself more than anyone else.

But he heard them nonetheless.

.

You feel his slender fingers encase either side of your face, his cool touch sending a wave of shock throughout your body. Keeping your face steady in his hands, he slowly leans his forehead against yours.

With his eyes closed and without a single waver in his voice, the words slip out again.

.

“I love you.”

.

You soak up the comfort that alluded from such simplicity.

You know that you guys aren’t perfect. Nowhere near it.

But what mattered, was that you were in each other’s hold again.

.

.

Because you loved each other...

.

.

And you meant it.

end.

[wisteriabookss]

My ACOSF Review (2/5 Stars)

Please respect my opinions. Not everything I say will be praiseful or nice. While I liked a lot of this book, a lot of it frustrated and bothered me. 

This review contains spoilers. Read at your own risk. 

This review will be more of an overall impression, and I will get more in depth about certain characters in future posts. 

I eventually got into the plot of the book, but I don’t think it was as great or creative as it could’ve been. I feel like SJM recycled ideas she’s already used to create the storyline. A quest to find a magic object that can stop a war and save the world? That sentence applies to both ACOWAR and ACOSF. It’s even more disappointing when you know there were other routes the plot could’ve taken but were eventually scratched. It was the perfect set up for an Illyrian mountain setting, it was written in canon, and, unsurprisingly, SJM retconned and changed it. 

The Valkyrie plot was cool, if a bit forced and out of place. Nesta barely starts training, and all of a sudden she wants to recreate a powerful band of female warriors that we’ve never heard of in the context of this world? Honestly, it feels like SJM watched Thor: Ragnarok, and was like, “Yes, that’s what I’m gonna do.” I thought Helions winged horses would come into play with that, but I guess we’ll have to see.

I thought the Blood Rite plot was gone, but we got it in the end, even though it was rushed. The most beautiful parts of the book happened during the Rite, so I’m glad we got to see those.

The ending of Briallyn was so swift I literally had to go back a page to make sure I read it right. Literally one page, and she’s killed. I expected more. I can’t say I'm surprised by how rushed her death was when I knew the Feysand trouble was approaching, and the number of pages left was getting smaller. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that SJM would save Rhys, Feyre, and their baby. Out of the entire ensemble in Kingdom of Ash, she only had the heart to kill Gavriel, who wasn’t too much of a main character. There was no way in hell she would do that to Feysand. 

I’m sorry, but I do not like the name Nyx. Imagine calling someone Nyx? Did she originally have it as Nick, but just needed to put an X? My eyes were rolling so hard when I read it. Just put an ‘O’ in front of it and end our misery, though I still would’ve rolled my eyes at that name too. The name just reminds me of all the blogger moms who put X’s in their child’s names for dramatic effect that ends up looking like they can’t spell.

I also didn’t appreciate the out of touch colloquialisms in this book either. Prythian doesn’t have a name for anxiety, depression, or PTSD, but they know what lactic acid means?

The amount of sex in this book was something we had been warned to expect, and I think due to the fastness of me reading this book (finished in two sittings), it made it feel like the sex was happening every other page, which it basically was. I’m not going to be mad though because a) it was well written, b) I didn’t feel like it harmed the plot too much, and c) this is the only Nessian smut we’re going to see in canon. But that threesome line with Az. . . y'all know which one I’m talking about. . . the one with the details about certain positions. . .  chile um anyways let’s move on. 

I called it months ago that Emerie would either be Mor or Azriel’s love interest, and looks like it’s going to be Mor. SJM’s writing is fairly predictable, especially when it comes to romantic ships, and she couldn’t have been more obvious about the two of them. I will write about Gwyn and Azriel in Azriel’s chapter review (cause that monstrosity needs a post of its own).

Now about Nesta’s healing arc. Some of it was satisfying and others were saddening. I’m happy that Nesta was able to find purpose in her life, and not believe herself to be worthless or pathetic, but strong and powerful. I’m happy she found Gwynn and Emerie; I love their friendship. I love how they stuck by each other no matter what, and saw the good and potential in one another.

However, even by the end of the book, Nesta still thinks herself as undeserving. Of Cassian, of love. She knows she has it, and she's so grateful for it, but she still believes she is undeserving of it, that Cassian is just so much better than her. A part of learning to love and live with yourself is knowing what you deserve, so why SJM took that from her character, I don’t know. I was continuously disappointed when said she was undeserving of anything, even after she had learned and grown from her mistakes. 

Maybe SJM thinks the belief of being undeserving of one's partner is romantic. I’m telling you now, it’s not. All that does is give unnecessary power to a person you believe you are undeserving of, and this leads to unequal power dynamics in a relationship. Rhys was the exact same with Feyre, so I’m guessing it's a theme.

Speaking of romantic themes, the repetition of the “your mine-im yours” line in this book was nauseating. Your going to make Nesta say the exact same thing her sister said when they had sex? Is there nothing else SJM could’ve come up with? It’s just so weird. And I swear to god if I see Elain do the same thing I’m gonna vomit. 

Nesta apologized to Cassian about what she said to him on Solstice in ACOFAS as if he never called her unlovable. As if he never said he didn’t understand why her sisters love her. He never apologized for that. There was so much apologizing from Nesta to Cassian about her calling him a brute, as if Cassian didn’t say he was “shackled” to her after she clearly explained how she feared she would lose her humanity if she accepted the word mate. Not if she accepted him, but the word. 

For Cassian to routinely tell Nesta to, “shut her fucking mouth,” when she used some attitude against Rhys was comical. Rhys has been bad mouthing and disrespecting Nesta this whole time, and when she shows some warranted attitude in return (not even an insult), Cassian rips into her. It doesn’t matter what he did for you, babe. Not everyone has the same experience with Rhys, so Cassian getting angry when Nesta showing anger at the way she was being treated was wrong. Her experience with him does not become invalidated just because Cassian has a good relationship with him.

There wasn’t a character arc for Cassian, which was one of the most disappointing parts of the book. He thinks of himself as inferior and undeserving as well, and by the end of the book it’s not even clear if that stance has changed. We saw him grow into the courtier persona in the meeting with Eris when Tamlin shows up, but we never see it again. I know there were instances in which he stood up for Nesta, but he also very quicky after that became silent in other moments when they were insulting her. The next book isn’t in his pov, but I’m hoping we see him become more confident in himself and make a firmer stance to protect Nesta (although I doubt he’ll need to seeing as how Rhys kisses the ground she walks on now).

Now onto Nesta’s apologies to the IC. I think Nesta apologizing to Feyre was expected, and I’m glad the sisters had that moment. I am, however, upset that there was never a moment where all the sisters sat down, and hashed it out. Talked about what they’d been through, how it affected them, and how it affected their feelings toward each other. After everything that happened between Nesta and Elain, all that hurt, you’re telling me all it took was Nesta to make Elain laugh by saying “fuck you,” and we’re good? It’s lazy writing. 

Elain telling Nesta that she only cared about how her trauma affected her did not sit right with me. Nesta sat by Elain’s side for weeks when she was in the thick of her struggles, and refused to leave her alone for fear that her struggles would eat her up alive. She constantly looked for anything that could help her sister, and never left her unprotected. Nesta and Elain didn’t communicate after the war, for reasons that we now know was because of Nesta’s guilt for Elain being kidnapped. It is not abnormal when a family member has been traumatized by things that have happened to another family member. That’s expected. Ask any family who has lost a child or had a relative go through something horrible.

Elain is acting as if Nesta has only ever been concerned with herself when she’s spent her entire life concerned with Elain. I made a post long ago about how the IC only wanted Nesta to heal for their sake rather than her sake, and there’s so much more evidence for that than for Elain. Elain’s healing process was able to be understood and encouraged by the IC, whereas they had no idea what to do with Nesta. So for Elain to come at Nesta for not caring about her trauma, a second after Nesta was trying to protect her from further trauma by telling her she didn't want her seering for the Trove, was unwarranted.

Speaking about Elain looking for the Trove, what happened there? Elain had this whole speech where she said she wanted to do something and no one could stop her and then we just. . . don’t hear anything about it again? SJM had a perfect opportunity to do something powerful with Elain there, and completely threw it away. 

Nesta’s apology to Amren was extreme, dramatic, and honestly, unnecessary. Amren called Nesta a “pathetic waste of life,” constantly demeaned and degraded her anytime her name was mentioned, and said she did all this because Nesta used her as a shield against her problems and the IC. Seriously? Nesta using Amren as a shield does not warrant that kind of verbal abuse. It doesn't make her a pathetic waste of life. Amren’s been alive for how long? And reacts like that to an obvious side effect of extreme trauma? No ma'am. Nesta getting on her damn knees was too much, and obviously just another moment, like a lot of moments, that SJM felt the need to make dramatic. And then having the audacity to let Amren say to Nesta that, “the struggle with the darkness is worth it,” when she was one of those people who contributed to that darkness is disgusting.

I didn’t like Rhys at all in this book. Even after he saw inside Nesta’s mind about her experience in the cauldron, he was still wary and rude with her. Literally anytime Nesta showed that she was changing, Rhys didn’t change anything about his attitude or behavior towards her. A moment of regret, and then he’s back to being arrogant ass Rhys. Him not telling Feyre about the baby was also extremely stupid. It’s her body, her life, her baby’s life, his life, and she had a right to know what was happening. Not telling her because you didn’t want her to be “upset,” is a dumb excuse. I thought you always promised to let her make her own decisions, Rhys? What happened to that promise? The one that was a hell of a lot better than the stupid bargain ya’ll made? Though Nesta told her out of anger, good on her for telling her sister. Should’ve happened way sooner. His apology to Nesta was the only one that warranted the dramatics. That is what you get on your knees for.

That whole scene about him becoming High King had me throwing the book. Amren telling Rhys that the swords were some sort of mother-mary-cauldron-blessed-hallelujah sign that he was supposed to be High King had me fuming. It’s Nesta’s power. It’s Nesta’s sword. That should have never been a discussion. Not everything is for Rhys. These people are so blinded by their love for him they can’t even see how arrogant he is. To write Nesta giving back Ataraxia made me so angry after we just had a whole moment where we find out it means inner peace. I just hope that all of this is not foreshadowing Rhys becoming High King. I know you love him Sarah, but please don’t.

All in all, this book wasn’t too bad. There were some great moments and some bad moments. I think SJM’s biggest issue in her writing is that she doesn’t outline, or at least doesn't seem to outline, not thoroughly. I feel like she uses plot devices willy nilly whenever it’s the easiest solution. There was never a moment where I said, “that was clever!” A lot of it was cool, but not clever. Not creative. She also has a tendency to write very dramatically, in staccato type sentences where everything is made into a big moment, which bugs me a lot. 

I love Nesta. She’s still my fav, and will probably always be my fav. This book doesn’t change that, and as you can tell in my review, most of the issues I had weren’t with her behavior, but with the behavior of other characters. I still love Cassian, even though he made me want to rip my hair out sometimes.

Will I read the next books? Probably. I can’t seem to stay away from these characters or these books, so kudos to SJM for writing them. I know a majority of people have given this book 4 or 5 stars, but I can’t bring myself to give it more than 2/5.

[bubsdolan]

yayy okay :) can you write about a curvy (on the chubbier side) poc!reader and gray is absolutely in love with her but she's having some body issues n he's just like "no" and just worships her body :3 thanku thanku thankuuuuu

{tw- body imagine}

{please remember you’re beautiful just the way you are. you don’t need a man or the opinions of other people to determine your own self value. weight DOES NOT define you. stay winning!}

you never considered yourself as the skinniest, the prettiest, funniest or even the smartest one in the room. you would say average, mediocre at best and the one person people would often look past and forget was there. but grayson? grayson thought you were the most breathtaking, gorgeous, sexy, hilarious, talented, angel like person he’d ever laid eyes upon. his own little heaven on earth. his.

grayson would always make his infatuation with you known, both privately and publicly. always having his hands on you, kissing you whenever he felt the sudden urge to, looking and admiring you even when you were doing simple basic day to day tasks. he couldn’t take his eyes of you. worshiping the ground you walked on and making everyone around you know you’re his girl.

when grayson invited you along for the trip of a lifetime to his favourite safe place in hawaii, wanting his girl to experience the wonders he fell in love with, you said yes almost instantly. however, you soon came to regret your decision when you found yourself surrounded by what appeared to be your entire instagram explore page. it seemed every influencer had the same idea of flying to hawaii for the summer break, flocking in their numbers and tiny bikinis to what appeared to be a popular tourist destination.

everyone decided to meet up, coming together to chill out and relax without being penalised under the lens and watchful eyes of their following. what was considered a safe space for others, definitely wasnt one for you. as everyone met up at the twins rental home for the up and coming month, nibbles littering the tables, drinks following and a lowkey chilled atmosphere, you felt more out of place than ever before.

not to mention your were the only person of colour there. it was a room filled with next to no diversity. you felt judged and certainly felt like you were living in a stimulation that send your unhealthy thoughts and views about yourself spiralling out of control.

you refused to go near the food, fearing if you were even to get a small whiff of the delicious pastries and hors d’oeuvres, you would gain a good few pounds. you were constantly covering your stomach with a couch cushion whenever you say down. pulling at the oversized hoodie of grayson’s to conceal what in your eyes was the biggest belly in the room. hawaii was hot, the degrees only heightening as the day went on, yet you refused to take off the thick fleece lined hoodie you felt was the only thing keeping you saine.

grayson noticed of course, he always did, so in tune with you and your body. he noticed the way you would only briefly speak to ethan, him or kristina, feeling incredibly intimidated by the beautiful woman and their what society deemed as perfect bodies, but also their tiny biniks that left absolutely nothing to the imagination. he noticed the way you turned down people’s offering of food or drinks, sticking strictly to water. he noticed the way you shifted uncomfortably in your seat, making sure to always keep yourself hidden and away from any cameras. not wanting a photo of you in comparison to these models to leak and surface on the internet.

what really worried grayson, was the moment he tried to touch you, kiss you, hold you, or even get you to sit on his knee- like you often did in many social settings- you turned him down and pushed him away. throughout your entire relationship, grayson ever one made you feel any less than beautiful, he brought you comfort and security. yet right now, you were struggling to even make eye contact with the man you loved more than life itself.

you felt ashamed and embarrassed for both you and grayson. you conceived yourself people were talking behind your back, questioning why a god like man such as grayson dolan, was wasting his precious time with someone like you. the biggest girl in the room, with a skin tone different to ones he had dated in the past.

grayson startled you by grabbing your hand, pulling you up from your seat and leading you to the bedroom you were sharing for the duration of your stay. he slapped your hand away from your hoodie as you tired to pull at the fabric so it wouldn’t cling to your fat as you walked past the crowd. black material to be precise, as it gave the illumination of a thinner figure- according to people and the internet. 

within seconds grayson is pushing you into the bedroom, shutting the door and locking it for good measure. wanting to spend some time with you away from the party goers he had no interest in, slightly regretting inviting them over when he witnessed you curl into your shell. he pulls your body to stand directly in front of the floor length mirror and situated himself behind you.

you exchange a knowing look. grayson knew you were self deprecating and his words weren’t going to cut it. he needed to show you how beautiful you were. his hands find the hem of yours- his- hoodie, tugging at it slightly as his eyes never once leave yours through the reflective glass. he awaits your consent, smiling softly when you give him the nod of approval, before he’s pulling the hoodie of your body and discarding it to the side.

his hands rub up and down every curve, every piece of excess skin you often criticised yourself for having. he ducked his head down to trial soft gentle kisses from your neck to your shoulder, down your arms and back up again repeatedly. his hands never one stopping his praise and admiration for your body. one of the many many attributes he adored about you.

your skin felt electric under this touch. goosebumps rising on your skin as you melted beneath his fingertips, your back hitting his chest as for the first time that day, you felt safe. comfortable and like you belonged.

“wanna know what i see?”

graysons voice pulls you from your focus on his hands, regaining eye contact through the mirror as he doesn’t even wait for you to response before he starts his speech.

“i see the most beautiful woman i have ever laid eyes on. i see a brave, strong young lady, someone who stole my heart and made me the man i am today. i see the brightest smile that captives any room the second you walk in. i see a arse so big and juicy i just wanna ravish it-“

you giggle, swatting at grayson’s hands as they find their home on your arse. giving it a little squeeze for reassurance before kissing your shoulder and continuing. not before he notices the tears falling from your eyes as you absorb every word.

“i see you, i see your body, i see every perfection that you consider imperfect. every scar, ever mark, every mole, i love it all. i see the way try and destroy something that i love. it breaks my heart for you to treat yourself this way, baby, but this- your body, its my home. it’s my safe place, sanctuary and the most breathtaking, jaw dropping sight known to man. fuck im so so so lucky.”

grayson turns your body around in his arms. his hands connecting together around your hips almost immediately as he reached down to place a warm gentle, loving kiss on your lips. lips that are his drug, his favourite taste, his happiness.

“so far ive been loving you for the both of us and will continue to do so until you see yourself through my eye. im nothing without you baby, so please, please let me help you learn to love yourself almost as much as i do.”

[thewritingstar]

Beautiful Revelations

Pairing: Gruvia (I know its been a hot ass min)

Fandom: Fairy Tail 

tags: @shellielyzabeth @be-dazzled @nostalgicxslumber @unvalley @tigerfire54

Note: It has happened. I have written 200 fanfics and idk if I should be proud or slightly scared. (feel free to skip this omg why is it so long) 

I want to say thank you to everyone who has read, liked, reblogged or interacted with me in any way. I have always had a feeling that no matter what I write, I wouldn’t matter. But every comment and sweet note left made me realize that even if its just a smile or enough to make someone hit the like button, I made a small difference or added something to the fandom. Most of my fics are quick drabbles full of spelling mistakes, random thoughts and love for the characters. I know I don’t write very long stories or finish my wips (why are we surprised) but even though Im not someone people look to as a big author, each of you have made me feel special. There have been many times, this year especially that I had decided to give up writing. “Im not good enough and no one will even notice” Thats what I told myself if I decided to just back away. But every so often I would look and see that someone new or old had read my work. Every time someone reads something I wrote, I go back and read it too. I look at all the tags and see every comment and I stop and smile and remember how much joy it brought me when I first posted. 

When I first started writing, I thought that I wouldn’t have a place. Yet in a very short span of time, I was welcomed with open arms and people started to tune in regularly for my fics. I had been given many nicknames such as Gruvia goddess, angst queen, satan (yes I know the fic0 and well even Star. 

During my darkest moments, my mind lingered to my writing and to my internet friends. without hesitation I could message someone and feel better and be given the reassure I need. I can't even begin to say how much it means to me that people actually enjoy my writing and even me as a person. 

I thank each of you for giving me a joy that was considered a luxury at one point and allowing me to write whatever I wanted and you took it with love and made me happier than I have been in years. To all the people who made art or wrote me something, it means so much to me. 

Im not saying that this fic is my greatest but I think it has a special place because It shows the growth over time. 200 fics is a lot and whether or not they were all good, it doesn't matter because I did that and I can say that im proud. Im sorry for all that sappy shit but I wouldn't be where I am without you all. 

-Star <3 

ps: im not dying or stop writing fics im just happy lol 

---

  “There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a               heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.”

― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

---

It was the nights like these that she hated most. The cold would creep through the blankets and make her shiver as her eyelids hung heavy. She could be ready to rest, let the sweet dreams guide her but instead those dark intrusive thoughts toyed with her like a fly on a freshly woven web. They would sprout out of nowhere, tangled with thorns and hold her mind hostage as it injected its sickly venomized thoughts for the night.

She always wondered how she got this far. She was one of the highest members of Phantom Lord, her abilities had rarely been matched. If she desperately craved, she could walk down the hallways and strike fear into the other members, no one could touch her. Hierarchies became a custom here. Once you made it to the top after clawing your way with blood, sweat and probably more blood, you were a god. Yet she walked in and in the next few minutes she was at the table with the master, already receiving a promise that she was special, a delicate and useful ally for the guild.

Special. What a swollen lie that turned out to be.

Maybe that's why she never bothered to search for a light, something to cure the rain. For every life she had bruised or ended, she wanted to feel the pain that followed. She needed to know the consequence of her actions, to be held accountable for ruining another family or taking something from the innocent. Instead she was celebrated.

The days turned to months and she found herself years later not knowing what anything meant anymore. Life used to be black and white. She would walk the side of the kind and good and now she was treading through a swarm of a morally gray compound.

These restless nights, she loathed them but then again, suffering was something that came naturally to her. The only person to ever knock her down was herself.

She climbed out of bed, fuzzy slippers over her feet as she walked to the bathroom. Her headache had worsened and she stared into the mirror. She had looked at herself a thousand times but… have her eyes always been that blue? No, she was tired and her vision was fuzzy, she was fine. Cold water came to her hands as she turned on the facet and splashed her face. Everything was the same as it always was. Expect for today.

Her order was simple. Defeat whoever stood in her way and make sure the Phantom Lord got Lucy Heratfilia. Why did they want some mage? She didn’t know but she was never one to second guess her orders. To go against what she was told was a waste of time, she would have been dead by the end of the day if she did. She had once believed that they accepted her with open arms, that Phantom Lord truly cared about her well being. It was a lie. A bitter sweet lie she allowed to remain in her head.

Hundreds of opponents had come before her. She was accustomed to the way of a battle and had harnessed her skill at a young age. The pure power of the rain pushed her further. She had an unlimited amount of power around her, unlike others, they would run out of fuel. She began to crave that god-like power. Allow the storm to rage on, all she had was herself and the droplets that followed. She understood she was an outcast. Love was never an option, not for someone who brought gloom everywhere.

But this afternoon, fate was a funny thing. She walked onto that rooftop, winning was the only thing on her mind, but he was there. A man who didn’t back down, a man who saw her as an equal.

Her heart began to race. It was forgien and she wasn’t sure if she liked it. She had felt attraction before but this, this was different. Something as small as a single glance had already spun her mind into a muddled mess. It would have been better if she turned around, if he didn’t engage in the fight. Then maybe she wouldn’t be thinking of him like this.

Love at first sight. That wasn’t real. No one could possibly have that happen. What could drive someone's emotion so wild that they become attached to a person in such a short time? And yet it happened. He stood there waiting for the next move and she could only gaze at him with rose colored glasses.

An enemy. A traitor. That's what she would be if she dared to let him escape. She couldn’t hestatite, she never did and now she was frozen in her spot as ice magic danced around her. Peoples magic and abilities never intrigued her, but this, this was beyond anything she had seen.

The light reflecting off of the ice as her droplets froze before her eyes was breathtaking and she hardly noticed that she was losing the battle. She never thought rain could look, dare she say, beautiful? But in this state of its frozen glory, it was all she could think about. She envied those who never had to stay in the rain, a jealousy she didn’t want to admit had festered over the years and she gave up trying to despise the element. But before her was something much more than the state she was accustomed to. Ice. The solid purity of her own and she had wondered what it would be like to hold it in her hands.

She had water locked him, pulled out all of the stops and even with that, he stood again and again. He had screamed that the water was boiling, burning his skin but never before had the water gone above warm. It was usually ice cold on the tipping point of freezing but she could feel the warmth surrounding her.

It shocked her just the same. She had heard people talk about feeling the sun kiss their skin, the warmth spreading as they walked, this was the closest she had felt to that. This warm rush of water was beyond what she had known and yet even as it tinged her hands it felt good, it felt freeing, it felt right.

It burned in a way she had craved for so long. Something other than the fridgeness she had grown used too.

She stared at her reflection in her mirror, tears brimming her eyes. How could one person she just met bring her something she had never felt before? She shut the light out in the bathroom and walked back to her bed, passing her window, she stopped and turned.

Above in the sky was the moon. A soft white glow surrounded the orb that she had never seen before. It was breathtaking. A cosmic power the normal people of the world didn’t dare to worship now became a luxury. The sky was clear and she could see the stars, she could sense them all. How could she have lived her entire life never once seeing the moon and the sun? She had been cursed to live in the rain forever.

But he-he made it stop.

When he grabbed her arm, it was like time had stopped. As if everything she had ever known was washed away and all she could see was a bright light encasing him. She was content knowing her death was coming, there was hardly a reason for her to live. Perhaps she wasn't even living, just surviving day after gloomy day.

He pulled her to safety, her back against the roof as she panted heavily. Those clouds above her moved like a curtain for a show, parting just so that she could see the enchanting mystery she had always craved.  

She had never known a blue sky till then. The brightness was almost unbearable as she stared into a sky she had never known. So many emotions flooded her head but it was clear as those ice crystals that her heart was beating for him. She was his enemy, they made that clear from the start but he hadn’t hesitated to save her. He showed a mercy she had never come across.

Another tear fell as she sat on her bed.

“He saved Juvia.” She whispered to herself. A horrific thought came to her. Would she have saved him? She didn’t want to know the outcome because deep down she believed she was good. Beneath the surface of unremosle power, there was that scared little girl who never had anyone to care for her.

The amount of days she sat in that orphanage alone sewing her dolls and praying that the rain stopped one way or another, it was as if she couldn’t remember it. He had done the impossible. He showed her the sky she hadn’t seen. He had shown her kindness.

A thought came to mind as she stood and packed her things. No more would she be known as “the rain woman”. No more would gloom be her only trait. She was determined to find something much more appealing than those bowing by fear. She wanted love. She wanted that warmth of the water constantly and the feeling of the sun on her skin. She understood it now. There was a power strong than her, stronger than any wizard that surrounded the other guild.

She had vowed to be done with love. Promised herself that no man could hurt her again. She was trembling at the thought of being vulnerable once more. The only time she felt warmth was the scorching burn of a fiery rejection and words that burned like lava. It was too much for someone to handle. So she pushed it down, locked the key and threw it as far as she could. The temptation though. The idea of letting her guard down for someone, someone she barely knew? How she fantasized of that moment. She had once believed that someone of her past had done that, but they were all the same. Ashamed of the rain, the rain she caused, the pain she brought.

And after their fight when she collected herself and tried to run back towards her guild, he stopped her.

“For what it's worth I think you’re an incredible wizard. You may not want to believe that your guild is dark and bad but, Fairy Tail is always open.” He had said it with such sincerity that she wasn’t sure if it were true.

“Juvia thinks your magic is just as powerful.” She had said before he gave her a smile and turned away to go back to his other guild mates.

And here she stood, a suitcases packed in the night and a note left on the desk. This guild didn’t deserve any words. Not when they feasted on her ability. Harvested those negative emotions and almost made her fall into the deep end.

She knew what they would say. They would call her a coward. A traitor and a worthless wizard, at first it was enough to stop her. Make her stay and perhaps bring back the clouds. However what he said stuck in her mind.

“I would rather die fighting than let your guild have Lucy! She is one of us and we don’t leave anyone behind.”

Without hesitation he made it clear that every member of the guild was valued no matter how long they had been there, they were a family. If something like that would have happened, if she were threatened, her guild would let her die without a second thought.

Never again would she allow someone to have a hold over her. She spent too many years sheltered by pain and deviation to go on like that.

She grabbed her bag and closed her door.

--

Juvia stood in front of the door. The morning would be better to do this but it was beyond dark outside and she didn’t want her intrusive thoughts pulling her back to her old guild. Softly she knocked, maybe hoping that he wouldn’t hear it and force her back to the isolation of fear.

The open clicked open and her eyes widened slightly as a sleepy Gray leaned against the door frame, shirtless and rubbing his eyes.

“Juvia?” He blinked and watched as her cheek puffed out in red. He looked down to see that he was only in his underwear and let out a yelp as he grabbed a blanket off the chair. “What are you doing here?”

“Um Juvia thought.” She paused and looked towards the ground. “Actually Juvia apologies for disturbing you.” Her back was to him and she began to walk away.

“Wait!” His hand caught hers and he pulled slightly. A jolt of warmth spread through her, burning her like a thousand suns as well as the chill of ice from his own temperature. She looked back at him, eyes wide and lips parted. “Juvia, please just tell me.”

“Such kindness.” She whispered to herself. Her heart rate sped up just like it did earlier and she swallowed a breath. “Juvia was wondering…why did you save her?”

His hand dropped her as if he were shocked that she would dare question his action.

“I wasn’t going to let you die. Enemies or not, I don’t think you deserved that fate. I don’t believe that you are this evil person your guild made you out to be. To be honest when you fell, you look like you didn’t care what happened and I guess I saw myself in you.”

“You saved Juvia because you know what it's like?”

“To feel lost and hopeless I guess.” He scratched the back of his neck nervously. “Sometimes it's hard thinking you deserve to live, that it would be better to harbor all the pain of your past. I don’t know everything about you but that look in your eyes. I couldn’t let you go knowing that there was a brighter future ahead.”

A tear dripped from her eye. Her smile was soft as hugged her arms to her body. “You knew Juvia would join the guild.”

“Well I wouldn’t say I knew, but I was hoping that you would. If you still want to, that is.”

“Juvia would be honored.” She bowed respectfully towards him.

Gray smiled and bowed back. His eyes faced the sky looking towards the moon. “Have you ever seen it?”

“Tonight would be the first. Juvia thinks the stars are remarkable.”

“Lucy knows alot about them, I think you two would be good friends.”

Juvia shook her head as regret twisted in her stomach. “Juvia accepts your kindness and compassion but she doesn’t know if the rest will. Juvia was her rival, she understands if everyone doesn’t see her as a friend.” She frowned slightly.

A laugh came from the ice mage's mouth. “That's the thing about Fairy Tail, no matter where you come from or what your past may have held, there's always going to be a friend waiting.”

Juvia nodded. “Thank you Gray. Juvia will talk to your guild master tomorrow.”

“Like I said before. You’re an incredible wizard, you’ll be just fine.” He winked.

“Have a nice night.”

“You too.”

She watched as he entered his house before turning around and walking towards her hotel. Her shoulders felt lighter and she held her head high for the first time. This was her step in the right direction, this was where her new life began.

Time had slowed and allowed her to pause. A beautiful revelation she never knew could exist came to mind as she just realized that she was in love.

---

She looked down at her leg in the mirror. The voices behind her had faded to the background as she became entranced with the mark of Fairy Tail.

“The blue suits you.” She turned to see Gray standing there with a smile as he was focused on her guild mark.

To say that she was grateful was an understatement. Her mask she wore like a crown had shattered. It unravels in his hands as the months went on and all that was left was the person she wanted to be. She could finally let go of her ghosts, her darkness and begin to forgive herself.  

---

“What do you think?” He asked her as the white sky fell with snow.

Gray had told her of a special spot he used to go to when the first snow came. Past the forest was a clearing of grassy hills that would soon become a winter wonderland. Laid out on one of the hills was a blanket and a few lanterns.

She held her hand out and felt the tiny snowflakes collect on her hand. He sat behind her, one arm snaked around her waist while the other hand rose above hers and created a small flurry of snowflakes.

“Breathtaking.” She gushed. This was the first time she had seen snow fall. Her eyes followed the ice magic as it formed a heart and blew into the sky joining the other flurries. She turned so she could meet his eyes and his normal content face was replaced with a smile.

He leaned forward until their noses touched briefly. “Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?” He said and she only had a moment to process his words as his lips landed on hers and her eyes fluttered close.

Her hand went to his cheek as she leaned towards him, her energy matching his and all she could hear was the thumping of her heart. She would be embarrassed to say that she might have dreamt of this moment a little too much but it didn’t matter now. All she knew was that her beloved felt the same.

---

For once she was happy to hear a cry. That little whimper bubbling from the baby's mouth, her baby, she was in disbelief. Perfection was a rarity. No one was perfect, but the being with a tuft of dark blue hair and grey eyes would beg to differ. A child was never in her future. The thought came up randomly but the idea of raising a family wasn’t even a question.

During her missions in her old guild, she would walk past a family. She would see happy faces on everyone and would only be filled with envy and hatred. Disgusting was what it was. How could you love someone else when there was no love for you?

But times change. She would see others holding their child's hand and feel a warmth in her heart at how the children beamed up at their parents. She could sense the love all around them and would smile herself, hoping that it might become a reality for herself.

She would wake in the middle of the night, not from her demons but for her new reason to live. He would babble and tug at the locks of her hair and giggle when water magic danced before his young eyes.

---

It was nights like these that loved the most. The soft rays of moonlight casting shadows through her window as silk sheets wrapped around her bare form. She used to spend nights alone, only her pillow to catch her tears and now delicate fingers trail her backside as she listens to the thumping of his heart. His chest rises and falls as her own follows the rhythm. Her eyes flutter close as her tiredness grows untils it's interrupted by a cool press of lips under her ear.

A peaceful sigh leaves her lips as she tilts her head up to meet dark eyes gazing at her. Flushed cheeks was something she wore often and she lifted off of him to move further up and meet his lips with hers. He pulls her back to him, hating the emptiness between them and adores the way she shivers when his thumb traces her guild mark.

Their love was honest and raw. She had learned that nights like those in the past would haunt him as well. They would keep him up and plague his thoughts with images of death and destruction. But now, they lingered in the shadows, always there but something brighter and beautiful guarded them to peace and she focused on the way he breathed her name then the tears that dropped.

There was an overwhelming amount of happiness that she had gathered after all the years she spent in Fairy Tail. She found friendship and family bonds. Love in all forms that she cherished deeply. Her powers were seen as a gift to help others and lend a hand, not twisted into medled lies that she had spent so long untangling.

Her lips pulled from his slowly and their breaths settled between them. When she looked at Gray she found something more. She had freedom and rebirth. Forgiveness and lust wrapped into something more than love. Their bond was stronger than she could have ever dreamed and when he left kisses over her skin she wanted nothing more in life than to stay frozen in this moment.

He did the impossible. He opened a door, shined a light through her darkness and allowed her to accept the fact that she did deserve to live. She could cherish moments and keep them as her own without the threat of corruption. Her life was now her own to command and she did it with such grace and beauty that Gray couldn’t imagine her being any different. 

“I love you.” He promised and there was no doubt in her mind that he meant it.

“I love you too.” She responded.

The beautiful truth was that she was finally at peace and loved herself. 

---

I hope that you all enjoyed and thank you for being so lovely <3

[ahgaseseven]

MOMENTOUS DAY WITH GOOD PEOPLE

As you getting older, every hour, minute, and second becomes increasingly important. So you must have fun in life. Choose to be with real people instead of wasting time with someone who isn't treating you well. Choose what is good rather than what is bad.

It was around 20th of July, 2021. I awoke to the sound of my cellphone alarm and went downstairs to take a bath while my parents, siblings, and nephews finished bathing and the others were getting dressed. I was in the bathroom when i heard the beautiful takbeer coming from the mosque, and i hurried to take a bath because my mother had called and told me that they were leaving to go to the mosque. I hurriedly dressed and went to the mosque and when we arrived i sat and listened to the beautiful Takbeer that can only be heard during Eid 'l Fit'r. After that, i perform salah and went home. Me and my cousin decided to throw a small party at the teen center in our village. I had planned to exchange gifts, so we all rushed to the store to buy gifts. The clothes we women are wearing are all the same style, just in different colors. The most funny moment was while I'm busy buying gifts i unexpectedly met my cousin in the same store and we laughed together. I was overjoyed with the gift i had purchased for my cousin and it was a crinkle hijab and ten pairs of socks. I bought it because i knew she'd like it. I know it's going to be a lovely day because im with my cousins, nephew and friends.

And now comes the most exciting part, The exchange gift. Everyone approached the person to whom they were going to give the gifts they had purchased and I, in turn, approached my cousin and gave her my gift. She was surprised because i wasn't the one she expected to pull out his name and give her a gift. I saw the joy on her face, and it made me happy. After i finished giving my gift, my nephew approached me and handed me the gift she was holding. I was also surprised because she wasn't the one i expected to give me a gift, but i was happy and thanked her. When everyone had their hands on the gift, we opened it together. I was surprised when i opened the gift i received because something glitters of hijab nude, which is my favorite, appeared in my eyes when i opened it. I couldn't wait any longer and wear the hijab that my nephew had given me and beautified myself. The hijab that he had given me was just right for me and i felt pretty while wearing it. I really appreciate her gift and I'll be treasured it forever. After we opened our gifts, we ate and then played, and i really enjoy our games, the kind that make you cry, laugh, and make your stomach hurt. I ask my cousins to just have a sleep over. It was pure laughter, teasing, and crying. Everyone shares problem and offers advice that is why i consider it a memorable day.

These people brought me happiness and joy. I call them "happy pills". Despite my anxieties, depression, and worries, these genuine people gave me genuine happiness and medicine, and i was able to forget all of the bad things that were happening. I was depressed and overthinking about what was going on, but these people helped me fight back and move forward. I realized i needed to let go of my fear and refrain from excluding myself. I also learned how to live joyfully in the midst of the pandemic. I am very happy because i have good and kind companions. I discovered how wonderful it feels to be surrounded by such wonderful and amazing people. I've realized how much i value genuine people. I can't thank them enough for the positive change they've brought into my life.

[free-pool-trash]

folklore - isaac lahey {5/?}

hey! this part is honestly mostly angst? like i think the start of it is ok but the rest is angsty as hell, because pre-bite isaac <333

mostly isaac/reader in this chapter and a little Derek towards the end, also peter but mans can’t talk yet so idk if he counts?

PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!!! reblogs and comments are so appreciated <3

word count: 4k

warnings: blood, sad thoughts, reader being sad, isaac being sad, mentions of abuse, swearing

FOLKLORE MASTERLIST

Taglist: @makeusfreefromthisfandom​, @cece-lives-here​, @chocolate-raspberries​, @belsandthings​, @dancing-tacos-23​, @truly-dionysus​, @britty443​, @tanyaherondale​, @furiouspockettoad​, @yunsh-17​, @random-thoughts-003​, @gloomybrieyxb​, @futuristicslimemongerbanana​, @linkpk88​, @big-galaxy-chaos​, @im-a-stranger-thing​, @riaisnotcool​ let me know if you’d like to be added <3

The lights in his room were dim as they always were when you walked in. It’d been nearly two weeks since you’d last visited Peter, between becoming a vampire and trying not to get in a fist fight with Derek every five minutes you hadn’t had the time or energy to visit your favourite Hale.

When your eyes fell on him a strange feeling settled over your chest, you couldn’t quite put your finger on the sensation but if you had to describe it in one word; unsettling. It didn’t deter you from sitting in front of the man the feeling was coming from, though. If you were trapped in your own body you’d probably feel a little unsettled too.

Not wanting to waste anymore time you sat down in your usual seat across from Peter, shaking the feeling off as best you could before giving him a pleased smile, “Long time no see. I’ve got so much to tell you…” You trailed off, shaking your head when you caught yourself waiting for him to reply.

“First of all I got attacked by a werewolf which sucked and now I’m a vampire which, coincidentally, also requires a lot of sucking.” Silence.

“And I made some new friends, which is cool- Isaac got a little jealous but it’s fine, I handled it. I feel bad keeping him in the dark about all of this but I just want to keep him safe y’know?” Of course you received no answer, opting to continue filling Peter in despite his usual lack of response.

“Your nephew has been driving me crazy, by the way.” You informed him, letting out a grunt at the thought of how annoying Derek had been over the last few days, “He’s got this tough guy thing going on, I think it’s just to psych Scott out honestly, which is fine! But it’s the fact that he’s keeping it up with me as if I haven’t known him for seventeen years!” 

If Peter had control over his body you knew he would’ve laughed at your annoyance towards his nephew, he always had. Whenever Derek teased you growing up, it was always Peter that you’d go running to.

“Uncle Peter!” The man sighed at the sound of your shrill voice, closing the book he’d been reading out on the porch as you ran up to him with an angry pout on your face.

“What’s up, kiddo?” He asked, opening his arms as you threw yourself into them. You let out a puff of air, settling yourself on Peter’s knee as he sat on the porch steps. “Derek said that because I’m only six I can’t play basketball with him and his friends!” You whined.

Peter only scoffed, his arms pulling you close as he raised an eyebrow, “Don’t worry, sweetheart. They’re idiots, each and every one of them.” 

There was always something about uncle Peter, he had a certain tone of voice that made anything he spoke sound like gospel. If Peter said it, you believed it. That was just how it was, thinking about it now you figured that your attachment and high level of trust in Peter probably had something to do with the fact that he’d practically initiated you into his pack when you were so young. Truth be told, he was the hardest loss of the Hale’s for you to come to terms with because even though he hadn’t died he’d still been lost.

You twiddled with your fingers as your thoughts began to wander, getting the hang of heightened emotions wasn’t so easy now that you were sat in front of Peter, or what was left of him. You hadn’t noticed the tears that had built up in your eyes until they began to sneak down your cheeks, slipping down your chin and coating your neck with their salty stream.

All you could do was imagine that he was more than an empty shell, that he was himself and listening intently, that he was just waiting for you to finish before he offered his sage advice.

“I really wish you could tell me how to handle all of this.” You sniffled out, pressure in your chest growing as, for once, it was the weight of your own emotions weighing it down. 

Since being turned you hadn’t gotten a chance to stop and breathe or really even think about what was happening to you, living in a constant state of confusion, fear and loss. 

“I just feel… so lonely that I can hardly breathe sometimes-“ Your breath hitching stopped your confession in its tracks while your tears continued to fall freely down your face, there was no point in trying to wipe them away- you’d broken the dam.

Your watering eyes focused on the ceiling as you poured your heart out to the man who was essentially your second father, despite the fact he was more or less completely unresponsive you still couldn’t bring yourself to meet his empty gaze. 

“Nobody knows what I am, really. And it’s like I’m all on my own and nobody knows how to help me or- or anything!” Eventually you met his eyes and it was then that your feeling of sorrow grew considerably bigger, the pang in your heart sinking all the way down to the pit of your stomach as a new layer of tears replaced the ones that had just fallen down your cheeks.

“I’ve upset you.” You stated, heart racing at the fact you’d managed to upset Peter Hale himself.

Quickly you wiped your tears away, your face was still wet as you took a deep breath, shaking away the feeling that was eating you up. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be crying I just- I really need someone to talk to, you know? Usually I’d go and rant to Isaac but I can’t tell him anything and it’s killing me but everyone told me not to and I also told myself not to… it’s a mess. I’m just so lost.”

Peter, as usual remained quiet, but there was something in his eyes- it was quick and barely there but you’d seen it. They’d flashed red. 

*

After you composed yourself, you left Peter’s room and made your way to school, you’d woken up early to visit Peter.

As soon as you entered the building your feet moved quickly towards your locker, you sorted your books out as fast as you could before making your way to Isaac’s locker. Your meeting with Peter had shaken you up and honestly, in the moment, you just needed your best friend. 

As usual when you arrived by Isaac’s side you alerted him by gently tugging on his sleeve, you didn’t know why but he was extremely nervous, to the point where you felt your own stomach beginning to turn. Even though you’d sought him out for your own comfort you discarded that plan as soon as you met his eyes, he needed to be comforted more than you did right now.

“What’s wrong?” You immediately blurted out, grabbing his free hand that hung by his side unlike the other that held his locker door open, knuckles turning white from how tightly he clung to the metal door.

Isaac only shook his head, he gave you the smile that he always gave you, the one that screamed “please don’t worry about me” but you knew better than to believe that smile because as gorgeous as it is, it’s fake.

“I’m okay, don’t worry.” He squeezed your hand in an effort to deter you, but yet again, you knew better. 

Letting your eyes roll, you furrowed your brows, “Seriously, tell me what’s bothering you.” You demand not missing the defeated look that fell on his face when he hung his head, brown curls falling over his eyes, “Nothing, (Y/n). Just the parent teacher conferences are happening tonight…” He trailed off as he shuffled his feet.

The realization of why he was so nervous about it hit you like a ton of bricks and you didn’t care who was watching when you threw your arms around his shoulders, pulling him into you with a sigh. “How is it gonna go?” You asked, already knowing the answer would be: not well.

Isaac’s arms held you against him tightly, stabilizing you as you had to stand on your tiptoes to get a good grip around his shoulders, ever since he’d had his growth spurt when you were both thirteen if you wanted to hug him properly you’d always need to get on your tiptoes. He wouldn’t lie though, he thought it was the cutest thing. 

“I’ve got a C minus in Chem.” He muttered against your neck, tightening his grip on you for dear life, you both knew Mr Lahey wouldn’t be pleased. 

With a little grin, in an attempt to lighten the mood you pulled your head back to look your best friend in the eyes, “Should we dip? Run away? Move to France?” The question was made with humor but you were really considering the thought of just dragging him out of the school’s double doors and flying away to somewhere sunny where the pair of you wouldn’t have to deal with any of the shit you have to deal with in Beacon Hills. 

Isaac gave you a sad smile, connecting his lips to your forehead quickly with rosy cheeks before disconnecting from you, “I think that would probably make things worse.”

Before you could respond Isaac shut his locker and spoke again, “Anyway, what had you so upset a few minutes ago?”

Deciding that today wasn’t the best day to confide in him you simply offered him a sad smile and weak explanation.

“Just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Wanted a hug.” Isaac let out an airy laugh, tilting his head to the side with a smile.

He beckoned you in for a side hug, “Get in here.” Immediately you obliged, attaching yourself to the boy’s side as the pair of you walked towards your first class of the day.

All you hoped was that his anxiety didn’t get the better of him today or later on when his father confronted him, so, as any good friend with supernatural abilities would, before you parted ways you made sure to transfer some much needed relaxation onto the boy who was positively teeming with fear. For now, it was all you could do for him without exposing yourself, you prayed it was enough.

*

As the day drew on your mind drifted from your conversation with Peter to your conversation with Isaac constantly. Understandably. You needed to get on top of your heightened emotions and you needed to do it fast, because to put it simply; you were drowning.

But like you mentioned to Peter, nobody knew anything about anything, not even Deaton could tell you how to gain control or even tell you the full extent of your capabilities. The loneliness was what hit the most. It was that empty, distant, ever-sinking feeling that was slowly but surely swallowing you whole. Scott had Derek, not to mention Stiles, to help him figure out everything he needed to know, an experienced wolf and a loyal best friend to walk him through everything, to support him, to keep him grounded, to tell him the dos and don’ts of being a wolf.

What did you have? An unwavering loyalty to a member of a pack who was barely even alive? Half baked theories from books of lore that your parents managed to dig up from some dusty corner of the attic? Derek who spent all of his time focused on Scott despite a member of his own pack being in obvious distress? A best friend you can’t confide in because he’s just as broken as you are? It didn’t seem fair.

The bite turned you to a vampire instead of a wolf, every night you wondered why you’d taken this form when seemingly nobody else had ever been turned by wolf bite, the conclusion you’d come to was that it was just some sick karmic joke. A test of endurance that you weren’t sure if you were going to pass. The universe spotted you- hand picked you as it’s favourite love-sick, hopeless romantic with a heart too big for her body and with a soul that felt emotions as vast and deep as the ocean. It chose you, but the gag was you never wanted it to be you. For once, you wished someone else had won the prize that felt more like a curse.

It was all too much. You felt too deeply. Every emotion consumed you, every sound vibrated like bass from a speaker, every touch sparked like static and every beating heart made you hungry. But every time you even so much as pondered simply giving in to the feelings, of letting go of that rope that seemed to be holding your empathy close and letting it fall away, every time you entertained those thoughts that voice, from the first night, would ring through your skull and echo until you agreed to the words being spoken by the oh so familiar voice. Don’t let it kill you.

Scott had been nowhere to be seen all day, nor had Allison, it was only when you’d spotted Stiles sitting alone at lunch that you’d realized that the wolf and his girlfriend probably ditched. 

The final bell eventually signaled the end of the school day, solemnly you walked alongside Isaac towards the doors of the school, stomach twisting with anxiety knowing that the next time you’d be seeing him he’d more than likely be barring a new bruise or emotional scar.

“Can I drive you home?” You asked, hoping he’d say yes but understanding when he shook his head no, “I cycled here, I’ll take my bike. Thank you though.”

You pulled your bottom lip between your teeth, looking at him with worry clear on your face, it was all you could focus on and you were half sure he could feel it too, your efforts of masking it failing.

Isaac could feel the worry seeping off you, but even before you’d turned he always had a knack from knowing when something was on your mind. He knew all your tells, when you were worrying about something you’d bite your lip and furrow your eyebrows, when you were upset you’d wring your hands together or play with your fingers, he knew how you were feeling whenever you were feeling it purely because of the mannerisms you used when you were around him. It’s how he knew that you’ve been hiding something from him since you’d been attacked, the boy didn’t know what it was but he saw it weighing you down, he was determined to get to the bottom of it so he could be there for you. He let out a heavy sigh when he realized in the moment that the roles were reversed and with the way you gazed at him he knew you wanted to be there for him, like you always were.

“I’m gonna be okay, nothing that hasn’t happened before.” He finally spoke in an attempt to reassure you that there was nothing to worry about but his statement only served to upset you more and he silently cursed himself as he watched the corners of your lips sink downward. “It shouldn’t happen ever.” You told him softly, trying your very best to keep your composure when you heard your voice crack.

Glancing around quickly, Isaac grabbed your wrist and tugged you towards your car, knowing how much you hated getting upset in front of people he took the initiative to carry on the conversation in the confines of your car away from the rest of the prying students.

Once you were both situated in the front seats, Isaac spoke up, “I know that you hate seeing me hurt, I know it shouldn’t be like this but it is. I’ll survive, you need to stop worrying about me so much, (N/n).”

“You don’t deserve this.” You muttered, sorrow dripping from each word. 

“(Y/n)-“

“No Isaac! You don’t deserve to be treated like this! Every time I see you hurt it makes me so fucking angry because when you tell me what happened you say it as though you had it coming! But you never do, you never have it coming!” The words left your mouth in a high pitched string of cries as Isaac simply lowered his gaze to his lap, hating how your voice shook in agony for him.

With every word you spoke you became more and more worked up, tears trickling down your face freely now that all the cars in the parking lot were more or less gone. “And every single time I wish I could do more for you- I wish that I could make you see what I see.” Your confession was fragile, the words barely audible as they passed your lips.

Isaac lifted his head, his own eyes welling up, “You have no idea how much you do for me so don’t think like that.” He demanded, his tone far more assertive than you’d ever known it to be.

His hand met your face, gently but quickly, his palm cupping your cheek while his thumb brushed away your tears. For a second, you closed your eyes, imagining the feeling of his hand cupping your cheek happening under better circumstances before reconnecting your eyes with his.

“I’m gonna go home.” He told you, sad smile on his lips as you shook your head, gripping the wrist of the hand he still had placed on your cheek desperately. “Stay.”

“I’ll come over to yours tonight ok? But you have to let me leave.” When you didn’t move, he sighed and pulled his hand away from you himself, trying not to wince at the hurt look on your face.

Your best friend opened the car door and stepped out, leaning in with an arm resting against the top of the door with a look on his face that you couldn’t pinpoint, that feeling had returned to your chest though, the light and flowy one. “Love you, kid.” His lips formed a cheeky grin when the nickname caused you to smile, he hadn’t rubbed the fact he was two months older than you in your face recently, you should’ve seen it coming. Finally allowing yourself to give him a weak smile you gave him an equally as weak, but still meaningful, “Love you too, idiot.” Before he shut the car door and made his way towards his bike.

*

To put the cherry on top of an already stressful day when you got home Derek was waiting at your dining table expectantly. The first words leaving his mouth being, “Where’s Scott?”

You rolled your eyes at him, walking into the kitchen and grabbing a blood bag out of your fridge, Stiles had been sweet enough to fill some bags for you since you were both still trying to work out the whole euphoric feeding situation, feeding on Stiles on a school night usually meant Stiles being completely away with the fairies the next morning and obviously you needed to feed during the week. Blood wasn’t as tasty cold but as weird as it was to admit, it still slapped.

Taking a sip from the small straw sticking out of the bag you raised an eyebrow at the wolf in front of you, “I dunno, Derek. Where’s my hello?” 

“This is serious.” He growled, “So am I.” You rebutted, taking another sip as the man grew more irritable.

He didn’t answer, only growled at you, he was probably hoping you’d buy into his ridiculous power play. You didn’t, obviously.

Nonchalantly, you lifted yourself up onto the counter of the kitchen island, facing Derek and sipping your blood happily.

“Growl at me all you want, D. Scott might buy into your big bad wolf act but I remember when you used to watch Barbie movies with me every single day.” You told him matter of factly, “Things are different now. Scott needs my help.” At his statement your carefree demeanor faltered. You needed his help, but not once since you’d been bitten had the man you considered a brother offered you even a morsel of support but yet here he was in your home, asking for a beta he barely knows.

“If Scott was around today would you have come to see me?” You asked him, keeping your voice as steady as you could.

Derek shook his head as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, “No, because I’m looking for Scott.”

Slowly you nodded your head, allowing his words to sink in. Today had been emotionally draining, sure, but you couldn’t find the strength within yourself to leave this alone.

“So where exactly am I on your supernatural list of priorities? Or am I even on it at all?” The question was harsher than you intended but Derek had a fairly hard head, if you wanted to get a point across you sometimes had to be a little less than gentle with the delivery.

The wolf groaned, head falling back in exhaustion, “Can we not do this right now?” 

Slapping the now empty blood bag down beside you and crossing your arms, you glared, “Answer my question.”

He gave you a hard look, standing up from his seat in what you assumed was an attempt to intimidate you, “I’ll admit you’re not my top priority right now, alright? Scott needs me, you’ll be fine.” A humorless laugh left your lips as you jumped down from the counter, squaring up to the taller man before you with absolutely no fear.

“Are you sure about that, D? Cuz last time I checked, Scott has Allison and Stiles and Deaton and you telling him exactly what to do and when to do it. I have no one.” Derek bit his tongue, his jaw clenched and lips pursed before he gave you a response, “He needs all the help he can get. Your abilities aren’t as difficult to get the hang of as his are.”

“Oh yeah?” It was a challenge, not only had he managed to piss you off and upset you at the same time, he’d also managed to erase the pain of your own transition in favour of defending Scott. 

Derek sighed, the voice in his head telling him to step down when he noticed your fists clenched tightly into balls against your side, “Look (Y/n)-“ He started before a gasp ripped from his throat when you arm gripped his.

The anger, the fear, the pain, the loneliness, the confusion, the weight that came from feeling everything all at once, you made him feel it all, not releasing your tight grip on his bicep until he’d looked down at you with tears glazing his eyes.

Roughly, you ripped you hand from his arm, purple eyes glowing as you stood chest to chest with him, “Maybe if you bothered to check up on me you’d know that my shift wasn’t easy, I don’t have the hang of my abilities and every single morning I wake up and think about how much easier my life would be if I just let them destroy me.” You were seething, Derek’s face was painted in shock as he stood at a loss for words.

“But hey! By all means go help Scott. What’s pack loyalty anyway?” Your words were seeped in venom and as soon as they left your mouth you took advantage of your enhanced speed, running from the room only leaving a gust of wind and an emotionally overwhelmed Derek in your wake.

[uwuyangin]

stray kids: they breakup with you (maknae line)

✩ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: breakups are never easy, especially when it was with the one person you thought you would live the rest of your life with.

✩ 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐫 + 𝐚/𝐧: angst themes ahead! this is a part two as it’s the maknae line. song rec is “you were good to me” by jeremy zucker ft chelsea cutler. requests are currently open. :)

━

jisung ;

you weren’t surprised when jisung had come forth and told you he wanted to end things. in fact, you were expecting it any minute now. your underwhelming reaction to his statement made him confused, and somewhat offended.

“what? that’s all you have to say, ‘okay’? i thought you cared about me.” he huffed, placing his hands on his hips.

you rolled your eyes, which was half out of annoyance and half trying to hide the tears threatening to form.

“i don’t have the will to fight anymore, jisung, i really don’t. if you want to end things now, then let’s just do it.”

there was a long pause between the two of you. he had built you up to this moment only for it to come crashing down within the blink of an eye. it was evident in your eyes of how tired you were. so, so tired.

jisung feared for the worst within the passing seconds. how could he stall this moment and make it last forever? how could he hold onto something that was clearly not there?

“it’s been over for a long time, hasn’t it?”

the question he asked you was more rhetorical than anything. you couldn’t even form words at the truth so you hummed in agreement. despite how close you were in distance, you felt as if you were miles away from each other. nothing could ever mend the faults that was your relationship. 

jisung let out a breathy chuckle as his eyes rolled to the back of his head to catch the wave of tears. he managed out his last words to you while ignoring the hole in his chest. 

“thank you. for everything.”

felix ;

the last thing you expected from felix was for him to grow angry at you for any reason. he was known to be a guiding light for everyone, shining his aura for the world so they wouldn’t be left in darkness. but something ignited in him that broke free, releasing all of his pent up frustration.

“i don’t understand- why don’t you love me? what did i do?” his voice was strained from the yelling, something very rarely seen in him.

you stood there with shocked eyes and too scared to move. “i d-don’t know what you’re talking about-”

“you don’t love me, you never loved me! i just wanted you, that’s all i wanted.” felix cried out.

his voice was so desperate, almost begging you. 

he was now freely crying, wiping at his eyes profusely. he had been so worked up over this and the lack of affection that you showed him. his insecurities had eaten him alive and he was fed up. felix had decided that you did not love him.

“i can’t do this anymore. i’m not going to waste my time,” he breathed out. “i’m not going to keep hurting myself like this.”

your hands reached for him, to comfort him and let him know you were so madly in love with him. there was always something that didn’t feel right but you would try to work on it. you would try to reciprocate that love for him.

but it was already clear in felix’s mind that you felt indifferently. nothing could convince him otherwise. he pushed past you and out the door, leaving you speechless.

seungmin ;

“you are such a wonderful person, i really don’t know anyone who is more down to earth than you, (y/n).” seungmin smiled softly.

however, there was something in that smile that made your heart drop to your stomach. or the way his eyes were cast on you with such pity. it wasn’t normal for seungmin to shower you with compliments, and now you were completely on edge.

“thank you, minnie.” 

seungmin fought back a cringe at the way you called him minnie. it no longer brought him that sweet joy he craved every day. instead, he felt guilt, and it only grew the more he dragged this out.

“(y/n), you’re so amazing that,” he started but paused. 

how would he go about finishing that sentence? he couldn’t toughen it out and act like everything was fine, maybe pretend to be sheepish. or he could tell you the truth before it goes any further. 

as seungmin fought himself, you had already solved the missing piece of the puzzle. you weren’t dumb, you knew when you weren’t wanted. there was something about that feeling that you could never shake off.

“i know, minnie. i know.” 

he widened his eyes as he froze. you knew, oh my god, you knew. seungmin glanced up to meet your gaze only to see the tears brimming your eyes. he couldn’t find it in himself to say anything else but, 

“i’m sorry.”

jeongin ;

love isn’t something that should be feared, however that is exactly what jeongin did. he worried daily about the connection between the two of you growing stronger each and every day. though he was happy, there was still something eating away at him that told him this wasn’t going to last.

this only made it harder on him when he beared the news to you that he wanted to split. 

“innie, baby, you’re not thinking straight. let’s talk about this,” you tried easing into him. 

he firmly shook his head, feeling his hands shaking from the overwhelming amount of emotions wracking through his body. his hands began to form fists as they clenched tightly, the whites of his knuckles revealing themselves.

“no, i’ve made up my mind. i don’t think this is going to work out. i’m sorry, it was fun while it lasted, but i am no longer in love with you.” 

you were hurt, so horribly hurt that you hugged yourself pathetically. his words were blunt and showed no consideration for your state. but in reality, jeongin knew that if he were to glance up and meet your eyes, he would falter immediately. he would sob into your chest and hold onto you while begging that you never leave him, that he loved you so much it scared him.

instead, jeongin took on the form of a coward, and walked out on you without looking back. some day he would get over it, or maybe not. 

soooooo sorry i was gone for a bit. requests are open, and yeah :) im crying at these images predebut skz they make me laugh

[amelialincoln]

Electric Love pt2

sorry im working on an amelink fic but its hard cause i have little to motivate me with. soooo here's marecal

     They both awoke to the sound of an alarm blaring continuously over their heads. This happened on occasion and as terrifying as the situation was, the couple had almost gotten used to it. After the war the idea of democracy had been popular among the regions. With red and silver becoming equal, the solution had seemed obvious. But it would be wrong to say that the idea of everyone living in harmony was accepted by all. It was mostly the silvers that had an issue with it all, still craving the power they once had maintained. The small rebellion had formed about a year after the war, and raids had been happening throughout the palace almost every month since then. It was rare that anyone would come near their apartment but Cal had built an underground bunker just in case. The raids never resulted in much, other than terrifying those who lived there. Occasionally, they’d take a staff member or government official but eventually would set them free after their pleas went unanswered. 

Mare stumbled out of their bed, still half asleep. However, Cal tugged at her arm, wide awake. He’d already secured his bracelets and a dim flame lit up their bedroom. He couldn’t help but worry that since word had gotten around about Mare’s pregnancy, they may somehow be a target. To which Mare had responded, days earlier, that no silver in their right mind would come anywhere near the two of them, in fear for their lives.

“Feeling nauseous?” He asked as she gripped the stair railing and swayed softly.

“When am I not,” she grumbled, following him down into the blackness. Cal sighed with relief as he bolted the door and pulled the string to an overhead light. The concrete room contained a double bed, a cabinet full of snacks and a pathetic sink that sat in the corner, almost always dripping. Mare crawled into the mess of duvet and leaned back against the bed frame. She was usually unfazed by the break-ins and normally slept through the entire event, unlike Cal who usually spent the night watching the door and allowing flames to creep across his fingertips. He glanced over to find her hands pressed against the small bump that had formed on her midsection earlier that week. Her first trimester was exhausting her and Cal had never felt more helpless.

“You should rest,” he noted. “Practice starts at six tomorrow because of the holiday on Monday.” He knew that despite tonight’s events there was no way that Mare would miss even an hour of training.

“I would lie down but I’m trying really hard to not throw up,” she responded slowly. Mare wasn’t known as a ray of sunshine when functioning on little sleep. “I would appreciate it if you could get your child to give me a break, Tiberias.” She tried to sound bitter but he could hear the fragility in her voice.

“Do you want the plain crackers? Those usually help,” he suggested.

“Do we have any down here?” 

“No.” He expected her to yell at him but instead she leaned back in exhaustion. 

“Can you just come sit with me?” Cal glanced over at her apprehensively, not wanting to leave his position by the door. Mare rolled her eyes at his hesitation.“Cal, for fucksake it’s absolutely fine--” As if on cue the sound of their apartment door banging open echoed through the flat. Mare fell silent as the sound of moving furniture filled their ears. Someone was looking for them. Anxiety raged inside her and lightning sparked on her palms, growing brighter by the second.

“Mare, control it,” Cal hissed. Her ability was becoming more and more unpredictable as her pregnancy went on, to the point where they were in the midst of getting a necklace made out of silent stone for moments like these. Cal couldn’t help but wish they’d had it by now.

“I can’t,” her voice wavered. The light above them brightened immensely before popping and surrounding them in blackness. Light bulb glass reflected red as Cal’s flames dimly lit the room. Mare silently prayed that her purple sparks would not reappear. “Do you hear that?” She asked, as a familiar voice called out to them, calling their names over and over. “It’s Gisa!” She moved to the side of the bed

“No Mare, it’s not.” Cal’s eyes darkened, willing her to lie back down. 

“Cal, I think I would know my own sister--” 

“It’s a voice manipulator, it’s trying to convince us to come out.”

“How do you know--” She wanted nothing more than to answer the voice calling out to her. 

“Because I hear Maven,” Cal hissed, his eyes begging her to be quiet. Mare had never wanted to throw up more. She finally processed the idea of silvers rummaging through their apartment, playing tricks on their minds. Suddenly the situation was more nauseating than the smell of Cal’s green smoothies he’d been forcing her to drink lately. He noticed her gag and shot her a look of sympathy. Eventually the calling diminished and they heard less and less footsteps above, though neither of them wanted to go back upstairs. Eventually Mare fell asleep but Cal couldn’t bring himself to leave the door, waiting for the voice of his brother to return.

She awoke the next morning to find Cal missing from the bunker. A handwritten note was left on her pillow.  

Mare,

Taking the kids up the mountain today. Don’t try and follow us, we'll be back soon enough. Rest and please just be safe.

Love, Cal

Classic. She threw her head back in frustration. Despite the break-ins being an inconvenience, they always put Cal on edge. She was surprised that he’d decided to let her out of his sight, even if it meant her getting some extra hours of sleep. She walked lazily up the stairs to find their apartment torn to shreds. Furniture was pushed over and destroyed. Picture frames had fallen off walls and glass lay shattered on the floor. Although she hadn’t been too involved in the design of their place, she couldn’t help but feel awful that all of Cal’s hard work had gone to waste. She smoothed the crinkled photos that had fallen out of their frames. Most were of her and Cal, apart from some of Mare’s family and Cal had one photo of Coriane, which he cherished greatly. She couldn’t help but grin at the thought of racing up the mountain to meet the group, the idea didn’t seem too bad to her. Undoubtedly would piss off Cal, which was always fun. She didn’t bother having breakfast, through trial and error she’d learned that eating before noon would result in an hour spent in the bathroom. Eventually, after a while of trying to tidy up the apartment, she was dying of boredom. She tied her hair back into a messy braid and pulled on her training uniform before swifty leaving the apartment, locking it behind her.

“Hey!” She whipped around to find Evangeline morphing the garden fountain into a rather inappropriate image. “Cal cleared my schedule to sit around and wait for you to try and leave.” She narrowed her eyes, obviously upset by her change in plans.

“That’s dumb,” Mare shrugged, turning to leave.

“He also lied about where he took the kids today. If you go up that mountain you aren’t going to find them.” Mare stopped in her tracks, cursing. “Why do you want to go so bad anyways?” 

“Because what else am I supposed to do?” she huffed.

“Domestic life not treating you well?” Evangeline teased, Mare glanced up at her, realizing how much she had begun to miss everyone she’d gotten close with last year. She hadn’t seen Farely in what seemed like months.

“How’s Elane?” She changed the subject and Evangeline took the bait, never upset when speaking of her girlfriend.

“She comes to visit today,” her eyes lit up with excitement. “I’m going back with her in a week and then staying awhile. There isn’t much to do around here,” she admitted, Cal had mentioned that her ‘government’ role had been less riveting than she’d anticipated.

“Yeah, no kidding.” Mare couldn’t help but grin at the idea of Evangeline in a stuffy room talking about politics.

“He did seem shaken up this morning though. The raids were bad last night?” Mare could tell Evangeline was trying to keep her from leaving but at that point she didn’t care. There were twelve off campus training sites scattered over Montford and the group could be anywhere. She sat down on the edge of the fountain and tried to look as if she wasn’t bothered.

“They don’t usually search our apartment.”

“Ah,” Evangeline responded. “Probably something to do with the bun in the oven.” She gestured to the small bump that Mare had been desperately trying to hide with baggy clothing.

“I don’t know what they think they could possibly achieve by trying to harm either of us.” She rolled her eyes in annoyance.

“Yeah, it’s messed.” Evangeline bit her lip. “The group is expanding though. If you go downtown there’s signs up everywhere. The silvers aren’t happy.”

“You think after last year people would want a break from the violence.”

“I don’t know, would be nice to have a little fun.” The rings on her fingers were morphing into tiny daggers on her palms. Mare couldn’t help but laugh.

“You haven’t changed.”

“Have any of us, really?” Evangeline shrugged. “Come on, Barrow, I know you miss silver blood on your hands.”

“We crave the chaos now but the moment we’re back in it we’ll wish we savoured these moments.” She shook her head but couldn’t suppress the rush of euphoria that passed over her as she imagined what Evangeline was suggesting. 

“You think there will be another war?” Evangeline’s voice was hushed, as if someone was listening in on the pair’s conversation. Mare nodded grimly.

“Cal’s been seeing Julian almost every night. I can tell they’re hashing out the beginnings of some plan. He’s been downplaying the silver’s revolt. I don’t know why he’s treating me like I’m too weak to handle the truth.” 

“Probably doesn’t want to stress you out.” Evangeline brushed a piece of her frizzy blond behind her ear and smirked as she watched Mare gag at the idea of her condition was making her incompetent. “Just go,” she finally caved. “They’re at the training centre in Elm.” Evangeline chuckled as the lightning girl’s eyes lit up with delight. “Tell him I told you and I’ll give the silvers a key to your underground bunker,” she added darkly, trying to hide her amusement. 

“I wouldn’t put it past you.”

Judging from the time of day the group would probably be on their trek back by now. Mare decided to go anyways. The idea of getting a rise out of Cal was too appealing to pass up. He deserved it for treating her like she was useless. The dirt road was longer than she remembered or maybe she was just more out of shape than the last time she’d run it. She pushed herself faster at the thought. It took a lot for someone to sneak up on Mare. Cal failed miserably almost every day. Which is why, when she was pulled back suddenly, she froze in shock rather than fought back. Before she could react a knife was pressed to her neck and it drew a small amount of blood that began to pool under her chin. She felt the silent before it even started reaping her ability from her, tugging her strength away.

“Not so powerful now, sparks.” She could hear the enjoyment in the unfamiliar silver’s voice and wanted to spit at the nickname. The knife, however, permitted her from doing such.

“I’ve got guards watching me,” she forced out a lie. “Letting me go would be a smart move.” To her dismay the group of silvers only chuckled.

“Look Red Queen, you're the issue here. You’re the reason that reds think they can waltz into our cities and act like they aren’t the worthless vermin that they are. You may have deceived the prince but there’s no mistaking your true intentions.” Mare couldn’t begin to guess what they were talking about.

“He’s not your prince anymore.” Was all she could think of to say. Cal didn’t want anything to do with the crown anymore, or so she hoped.

“And that’s where you're wrong.” The new silver’s voice was calm and poised. “Tiberias Calore VII has been working to revise the new laws. The democratic system is flawed. It’s only a matter of time before it splits. Your boyfriend is working hard to fix the damage you caused.”

“That’s not true.” She could hear the falter in her own voice.

“So that leaves you as the problem. A red can never sit on a silver throne.” Mare could feel the knife digging deeper into her skin. 

“I don’t want your stupid throne.” She managed to kick her leg back, connecting with the soft area that she’d been aiming for. The man yelped in pain, allowing the knife to drop. Mare whirled around to find a larger group than she’d expected. As the sky began to darken she noticed a line of sweat was starting to form on the silent’s forehead.

“Get her in the vehicle,” the woman ordered, Mare could sense the weakness in her voice knowing she wouldn’t last for much longer. She could feel the static energy increasing in the air, begging to strike. The men came at her quickly. She dodged the first couple easily but more kept advancing. The silent held on to her dismay and eventually she was surrounded. It was the knife guy that hit her first, undoubtedly holding onto some sort of resentment. After that the rest was blurry until she doubled over in pain and blackness invaded her vision.

[flamehairedwritings]

The Fire In Your Eyes: Chapter Thirty

Characters: Arthur Morgan x Original Female Character

Rating: The whole series will be E, 18+ ONLY for violence, gore, character deaths, animal deaths, parent deaths, swearing, grief, sexual themes and unprotected sex, mentions of miscarriage, hanging.

Summary: Saved by Arthur Morgan when her town is attacked, a young woman’s past comes back to haunt her when she has no choice but to join the Van der Linde Gang.

Some scenes and dialogue have been taken from the game!

Read on AO3

The Fire In Your Eyes Masterlist

Please don’t copy, steal or re-post my work; credit does not count.

Epilogue

The sky was beautiful, a light blue and a dusky pink in some areas, orange in others.

Ada gazed at the colours, watching the sun slowly set behind the hills far away. All around her, crickets trilled gently and birds whistled softly. It was so still, so peaceful. 

Folding her arms, she rubbed at one of them lightly, looking towards the faint outline of the mountains beyond the hills, Mount Hagen somewhere amongst them.

She hadn’t wanted to die. The moment the bullet had passed through Dutch to her, the numbness had fallen away, crumbled, and she knew she wanted to live. So fiercely she wanted to live, and it was all that had gone round and round in her mind as Arthur had taken her down to Valentine. Coming in and out of consciousness, she’d felt terrifying waves of fear, anger, grief, denial, and, in one moment, she truly thought she had died as finally peace had suddenly washed over her.

A corner of her mouth lifted a little. Morphine would do that.

Somehow, deep in her mind, she’d always known that the final moments on the mountain was what it would come down to; her or Dutch, one way or another. And, once upon a time, she wouldn’t have known what decision he’d have made.

They hadn’t spoken about what had happened since the night before they’d returned home. There seemed to be an unspoken agreement that they wouldn’t, not yet... though she’d had to with Thom, barely an hour after they’d arrived, in fact.

That had been a week ago, and he and Charlotte had left the next day, the former still cold towards her, the latter reluctant and apologetic.

“He just needs time,” her sister-in-law had murmured to her as they’d embraced, her lovely features full of concern for both of the O’Driscoll siblings.

“I know.”

Ada wasn’t angry at him, though, and she certainly didn’t blame him for being so, either.

Mercifully, they’d managed to prevent Millie from catching on to anything that had happened, despite the heated argument. She just thought her mother had caught a cold and bruised her stomach so “gentle hugs for a little while, angel.”

While she couldn’t help but dwell on her brother and his hissed words to her, full of a venom of a former self, there had been some bright moments since then, and not just from Millie making her laugh every day. John had written, telling them he’d wasted no time in asking Abigail to marry him... and she’d said yes. Ada had cried into her morning cup of tea while Arthur had grinned and grinned, reading the words over and over.

The wedding was due to be in a week’s time, and, as a result of her now strained relationship with her brother, Millie would be going with them, something the little girl was very excited about. Ada and Arthur didn’t think they could ever be separated from her again, anyway. Sadie and Charles would be there, too, naturally, and it was nice, having something to look forward to.

She should feel well enough to ride by herself, then, too, even though they’d take the wagon for Millie’s comfort. Her wound was healing, slowly, but healing. The first few days after they’d returned she’d just slept and eaten and drunk and slept, more exhausted than she had known, the argument with Thom having not exactly helped.

And, through it all, Arthur had been... well, Arthur. She’d never loved him more than she did right now. He’d tended to her, looked after Millie and kept her entertained, looked after the animals and had even started drawing up plans for the new stable. She’d catch the way he’d looked at her sometimes, though; sometimes grateful, other times like he was afraid, like he was reliving the days in Valentine, like he’d been reminded once again of how very much human they were.

They would just be brief moments, though, and then he would smile, fear turning to love. She knew he was waiting for a sign of melancholia, too, but none came. She’d learned to not just wait around for the spells or dwell on the possibility of them, knowing that, though they would come, they would also go, as surely as night turned to day, and life would continue on as it always did.

“Well, if that ain’t the prettiest sight in all the land. Sun ain’t bad either.”

Her lips twitched as Arthur pressed a kiss to the top of her head, his arms sliding around her. She leaned back against his chest with a quiet sigh, her hands settling over his.

“How long did it take you to think of that one?”

“‘bout thirty minutes. I’ve been stood by the window just starin’ at you.”

She laughed, the fingers on one hand lacing with his. “Wow, quicker than last time.”

“Yeah, I’m gettin’ there.”

Ada laughed again, and he smiled, pressing another kiss to the top of her head.

“You okay?” he murmured into her hair, and she nodded, tilting her head to lean it back against his shoulder.

“Yeah.” She traced light, absent-minded patterns on the back of his hand with a finger tip, the sky now turning from dusky pink to fiery red. “There’s gonna be good weather tomorrow.”

“Looks so. I was thinkin’ of goin’ out tomorrow, doin’ some huntin’ while Millie is havin’ her lessons with Martha.” His chin rested on her shoulder as he rocked her slightly. “Thought maybe you’d like to join me, if you feel up to it.”

He had to lift his head a little as she turned hers, smiling softly at him. “I’d love to.”

“All righ’. You can hold my coat while I shoot down that Grizzly that’s been spotted, I think I can get ‘im...”

Ada shook her head as she turned in his arms to face him, her lips twitching. “You’re a very funny man.”

His smile was wide, very much pleased with himself. “I know that by how much you laugh.”

“I should stop encouraging you.”

“Oh, you can try, sweetheart, but I see miserable failure...” he murmured, lowering his head towards hers.

And he was right. She couldn’t stop her smile as he captured her lips in a tender kiss, his fingers splaying across her back. Barely moments later, her arms slid up and draped around his neck, her lips moving slowly against his. He teased her for a few moments, his tongue gliding against her mouth, and just as a soft sound came from the back of her throat, he pulled away, one corner of his mouth higher than the other.

“C’mon, there’s still a God damn load of cake left that I am not lettin’ go to waste.”

“You and your insatiable appetite, Mr Morgan.”

He grinned at her as he took her hand, their fingers lacing together. “Oh, I’m insatiable all righ’, Mrs Morgan.”

And she failed again.

Her laugh was carried across their land by the gentle breeze, lifting it through the trees and into the air as she followed her husband into their home.

And life continued on.

The End

———————————————————————————————————

  I just wanted to take a few moments to thank each and every one of you for reading this story. I spent about a year planning it and writing the first half, then as lockdown here came in March, I thought why the heck don’t I just start posting it? And here we are, thirty chapters later!! I can’t quite believe I’ve done it, this is the first series I ever started writing and my longest to date.

I want to say a special, huge and just brimming with love thank you to those who have commented. You genuinely kept me going at times and I really can’t thank you enough, you all hold such a special place in my heart.

I’m sorry for making you all wait so long for the final two chapters! I wanted to make sure I was happy with them and that they were the best they could be. I’ve loved living in this world and thinking about Ada and Arthur and I really don’t want it to end... and I’m not quite done yet! I have a short story planned for Thom and Charlotte that will involve Ada and Arthur, their wedding and Millie, and so much more, and maybe some other stories in the future, too...

Thank you so, so much, everyone, I hope you’re all doing okay in these trying times, that you have a lovely day and end of the year, and 2021 brings you all that you hope for.

All the best x

Ghosts of Ourselves — 2021

———————————————————————————————————

Comments and reblogs make my day in a way I can’t describe.

Let me know if you’d like to be tagged or untagged in this series!

Questions?

Tagged: @belfry-bat​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​, @sistasarah-sallysaidso​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​, @ntlmundy​​​​​​​​​​, @monster363​​​​​​​, @cowboisadness​

[wincore]

main actor | wong yukhei

pairing: yukhei x reader

words: 3.6k

genre: best friends to lovers!au, college!au, reader and yukhei are pretty much cat and dog, fluff

warnings: yukhei’s wildin, language

a/n: warmup-ish fic? guess i just wanted to see how many cheesy fanfiction tropes i can fit in. vaguely inspired by this

gif credit

There are times when merely existing feels too wearisome, and there are times when you can’t be happier to be alive.

Wong Yukhei makes you feel both of these emotions simultaneously.

If someone were to ask what Yukhei’s really like (and you’ve been asked that a lot by curious crowds who’ve only ever seen him smile from afar and deduced he can’t be that nice) you’d say he’s an idiot. He’s not stupid, but he’s an idiot. Yukhei is a bunch of contradictions, but he’s your best friend and you’ll reluctantly admit, probably the best thing that’s ever happened to you. (Under no circumstances would you be caught dead saying that to him, even though you’re sure he’d just respond with a bone-crushing hug, grinning from ear to ear.) Obviously, you’ve got a lot of mixed emotions involved here.

The first time you met Yukhei, you were four. He had skipped over to you from another corner of the room, with wide eyes and a soft toy puppy in hand.

“You’re pretty. Do you want to go on a date?” he asked with a wide smile.

“No,” you responded, your attention still on your toy train. You glanced at him once and that was it.

“Okay,” he said, still grinning. Rejection wasn’t that big of a deal to four-year-old Yukhei.

Instead of leaving, he sat down beside you and watched you play. Eventually, you started talking to him about your fantasy land of trains and he, about his imaginary life as a firefighter. And after a few days, you and Yukhei were inseparable.

It’s quite the story for him to tell people, even if you never understood why he likes talking about it so much. It wasn’t very dramatic, or memorable like all the first meetings in books. But it’s always been a unique ability of Yukhei’s to make things sound a little more interesting as he animatedly told everyone at school how you were a cold, dark victim trapped in your lonely bubble and how he, your shining hero, warmed you up. You just make a face every time he forcibly brings you into the conversation.

Unlike elementary school Yukhei, middle school Yukhei was a little meaner, rougher at the edges. He never had any harmful intentions (you wondered if he had any intentions at all) but you always seemed to land the shorter end of the stick when it came to his shenanigans. A rapidly growing boy, he had difficulty getting his limbs in order and more often than not, he’d underestimate his own strength. Whether it was shoving you too hard or the one time he accidentally broke your toy train, those years had quite the horrors you’ve faced in life.

You’re lucky to have survived near him during his awkward teenage phase, full of hormones and messy feelings and Axe body spray. Yukhei’s never been good at telling people no and combined with adolescent curiosity, he’s been in quite a few choppy relationships.

But in the end, Yukhei still has the colour of a comic book hero. He’s always been the main actor of every play, whereas you doubt you’d get the role of villager C. Star athlete and the pride of your school, he’s never wasted an opportunity to enjoy the attention. You, on the other hand, prefer a little alone time. You’re different, immensely different, but you admire him for all that he is. He’s strong in a way you can’t quite describe, only appreciate in subtle ways. You’ve seen Yukhei grow from a boy who refused to admit he wasn’t happy, that he’s not always the smiling hero, to a man who learned to respect all emotions. He still hates to cry, sure, but he doesn’t do it in shadows anymore, pretending to be strong.

dumbass, 01:06 AM

[Attachment: 1 Image]

you, 01:07 AM

wtf yukhei

you, 01:07 AM

why are you awake

dumbass, 01:07 AM

i cant stop :(

dumbass, 01:08 AM

i think im addicted

you, 1:08 AM

to puppy pictures??????

you, 1:08 AM

you know what im not even gonna ask

you, 1:08 AM

go the fuck to sleep you big baby

dumbass, 01:10 AM

but look :(

dumbass, 01:10 AM

[Attachment: 26 Images]

you, 01:11 AM

tf im not looking at all of that

dumbass, 01:11 AM

:(((

dumbass, 01:11 AM

:( but :( puppies :(

you, 01:12 AM

good night dork

Yukhei’s a whirlwind of life, bringing energy wherever he goes. That’s the first thing anyone notices about him. The way his face stands out in almost any crowd, and not because he’s built like a giant teddy bear. The way he can find friends in almost anyone, and all he has to do is flash that grin.

Growing up, everyone could tell he’s a little off-beat, but it only made people want to be near him. The more he stood out, the more he fit in. It’s no wonder you see hordes of people around him, smiling back at his own friendly, dorky gestures.

“You get a walk-in closet and I don’t even get a washing machine?!” Yukhei complains, plopping down on your bed.

You’re certainly lucky to get the biggest dorm room, even if the closet occupies half of it. Now, if your roommate wasn’t such a dick, the beginning of your college life would be perfect.

“Wha- how are those two related?” you ask, leaning back on the wall as you sit beside him.

“I have to go all the way downstairs to wash my clothes,” he replies, “Henceforth, I am upset.”

“When did you learn such big words, Yukhei?” you tease.

“I’m not stupid,” he defends, “Surprising, I know. Considering I got my hand stuck in a Pringles can last week. Again.”

You laugh as he shoots you a grin and sits up, tugging up his red jacket on his shoulder.

“At least you like your roommate,” you grumble, before lowering your voice. “I don’t know which supernatural being up there I crossed to get mine.”

Yukhei laughs. “It can’t be that bad!”

You roll your eyes and smack the back of your head against the wall. Of course, he wouldn’t get it. Yukhei gets along with just about anyone.

“So, we’re starting college, huh?” he shifts to sit beside you.

“We really are,” you breathe.

And so when college began, you couldn’t even feel homesick because Yukhei brought home with him.

College somehow manages to amplify Yukhei’s tendencies to fuck shit up. Bad decisions and good intentions—whether it’s getting drunk at parties, or getting a secret tattoo, or going for midnight drives in the brightest part of the city, he certainly is living his life to the fullest. And he gets new friends to do that with—boys with similar interests and trouble in their presence (except Mark, he’s the sweetest and is only dragged to places like you are). Kunhang is a babbling mess when it comes to drinking, Dejun has strange food choices and Jungwoo isn’t as naïve as he looks (but that’s on you, you could never blame Jungwoo for anything). Mark might just be the sanest, and even he has his quirks. You’re glad, though, for Yukhei to have found them and for them to have found Yukhei.  

Despite all changes in Yukhei’s expenditure of time, he still finds a way to sneak into your spare moments.

“Tell me that story you were talking about,” he says, falling backwards onto your bed.

“Now?” you ask, still groggy after waking up from your unforeseen nap. Finals are not treating you well.

“Yeah,” he says, “You look like you could do with a break.”  

Of course, there are times when you hate Yukhei. Times when he’s reckless, pulls you into messes you know you can’t sort, times when you just feel so fucking annoyed by your best friend.

“You did what?!” you yell.

“It’s not that bad!” Yukhei explains, waving his arms around wildly.

“I am not going on a date with a stranger!” you yell, your voice coarser than usual as you search for something to fling at him.

“It could be fun!” he replies, ducking to avoid the slipper you threw at him. “You could be meeting the love of your life—all thanks to me!”

You throw the other slipper at him, and he narrowly dodges it. “No way is that happening.”

It’s not like it took you that long to realize your feelings, after the beginning of college. It happened slowly at first, barely a meandering stream of water, till the waves suddenly came crashing and you were drowning in your epiphany. Suddenly, you can’t not think of Yukhei’s large hand over yours or his bashful smile directed at you or even the way his lips look plump and kissable in the morning, despite the rest of his face all puffed up. There’s often stardust on his cheeks, you notice.

Suddenly, you know why Yukhei has always been the main actor in your life.

But you can’t be as open about it. If it’s not the idea of your longest and closest friendship falling apart that blows up your fears, it’s the image of Yukhei’s smile falling as he tries to tell his best friend no, and having to pretend everything’s okay. If the void in your stomach is good for anything, it knows when to tell you the jump is too difficult to take.

If anything, you don’t even know what you mean to Yukhei, but that’s coming from the negativity you hoarded. You have your fears and your questions. If you cross his mind as often as he crosses yours. If you take even a square inch of his heart, if he’ll ever see you that way. You’re not sure what it’d feel like to be the most important person to someone. If you go as far as to call this love, why are you so reluctant?

“And?” you egg him on, crossing your arms.

Yukhei going to frat parties was a horrible decision, really.

“I got drunk and started doing body rolls in front of everyone?” Yukhei shifts uncomfortably on your bed. He’s probably spent at least half of his days here in your dorm room, only leaving when your roommate started complaining about how loud he is. To be fair, he does sound like baby Godzilla at times, worse when more of your friends are over.

“Yukhei, you’d do that sober,” you grimace.

“Well, you’re not wrong,” he says, pretending to think.

“Are you going to tell me what got you so uncomfortable?” you ask.

“I mean…it’s not that bad,” he begins, eyes glued to a corner of the floor to avoid your gaze.

“You made out with someone, didn’t you?” you sigh. It hurts a little.

Yukhei scratches the back of his head as he breaks into nervous laughter. “Yeah, and now she kinda thinks we’re a thing, and I don’t know what to tell her.”

You pinch the bridge of your nose. You wish you could yell at him, let him know in any way how awful you feel.

“Yukhei, you have to stop leading them on! Every party you kiss someone new. Any more, and you’ll get a bad reputation!”

“I know!” he responds quickly. “But I was so drunk last night I couldn’t remember my name.”

“But you remembered to dial my number?”

“Well…yeah.”

Yukhei fidgets with the hem of his sweatshirt. “I’d call Mark, but he was at his part-time.”

You groan, sinking onto the floor. “I feel like a parent with a stupid son.”

“Hey! Now that’s exactly what my mom would say,” he chuckles, scooting to sit beside you.

There’s a heavy silence between the two of you for a few moments. You gulp down any reproachful words you might have left and stare at your fingers instead. You can’t tell him how upset you really are, can you? You’d have to explain the why then.

“Are you…are you just scared my reputation will be ruined?”

You turn to look at him, but he’s staring straight ahead. “Huh?”

“I mean, is that…what’s making you upset? Just that?”

“Yeah,” you answer, and mentally curse your voice for cracking like that. “I don’t want people thinking you’re some sort of an asshole.”

“Me neither,” he says, looking back at you with wider eyes than usual. “I mean- yeah, that’s- obviously.”

You shake your head at him, but you wonder how long it’ll be till you break. You’ve never kept something so serious from him before. It’s human nature to want more than you already have; Yukhei loves chasing after things he can’t have, but you’re not him. You’ve never been him.

Only a few days later, you see your roommate fuming as she leads a rather flushed Yukhei into your room.

“Next time he comes here, I’m calling the RA,” she threatens with a glare before walking away.

You roll your eyes at her back before grabbing Yukhei by the waist lest he falls and smacks his head against your furniture. Your action, however, proves to be miscalculated (you always forget how heavy he is) as the two of you stumble to the floor, barely avoiding the edge of the bed. You stand up again; Yukhei seems to be half asleep with the way he’s struggling to move around.

“I thought you said you wouldn’t drink,” you grumble.

“I said I wouldn’t go to parties,” he struggles to form the syllables. “I went to a really cool bar…it had funky lights and stuff. And I was dancing…and it was so much fun! Except I underestimated how strong that drink was.”

You sigh heavily. “That’s all you talk about. Fun, fun, fun!”

Yukhei grins as he rises to his full height and wraps his arms around your waist. You’d chide him for the reek of alcohol from him if he didn’t look so vulnerable, dormant like this. His eyes are half-lidded with sleep and when he rests his forehead against yours, you swear your heart has skipped several beats in a row. It’s not fair how peaceful he looks with his eyes closed when he’s sent you into internal turmoil. The warmth of his body seeps through the thick hoodie, and you almost find yourself unable to move.

You swallow the feeling rising in your throat and pull apart.

“Come on, Yukhei,” you tug at his hands to remove them from your waist. “Let’s get to bed.”

“We’re going to bed!” he rejoices gleefully. You’re glad he’s complying at least.

Now if he would just let go, you could prepare a blanket to sleep on the floor.

Yukhei doesn’t remove his arms from around your waist, though. Instead, he pulls you into bed with him, and under the covers. This is nice, the stupid voice in your head pipes up again.

“We’re friends,” he mumbles, “friends do this all the time.”

Not when one of them has more than friendly feelings, you think bitterly. Struggling is futile against Yukhei’s iron grip, and you let yourself feel what you were trying so hard not to. When you look at him under the dim lights coming from your window, he’s already out for the count. You brush the hair away from his face and slowly drift off. It feels safe like this.

Of course, you pretend your heart didn’t jump at the sight of his face too close to yours. You’ve shared a bed when you were kids before Yukhei grew too large to fit the two of you and developed a tendency to drool. He has broader shoulders now, longer legs and he engulfs you when he wraps himself around you. In the morning, your body aches after being wound up so tightly on a small bed but you ignore it best as you can. You ignore the rising warmth in your face too when Yukhei departs with a secure hug and his wide grin.

You wonder what it’d be like to be Yukhei—ruin it all and hope it works out. You wonder what it’d be like to see his idiot grin every night, after a kiss against your lips. You scoff at yourself, face a brilliant red, whenever these thoughts walk in unannounced. It’s getting harder to pretend you don’t stop breathing every time he wraps an arm around you or lays his head on your stomach.

“So let me get this straight,” you say, “you can’t get a job at the diner because you’re too tall to fit into the mascot uniform?”

“Yeah,” Yukhei replies, clearly despondent. Usually, he’d be beaming about his height. You can’t figure out why the job means so much to him, but you get your answer soon enough just to greet it with a click of your tongue.

“The free pancakes,” he wails, “They give free pancakes and fries to their workers. I can’t believe I’m missing out on that.”

Yukhei suddenly sits up straight with wide eyes. “You can fit into the suit though!”

You smack your palm against your forehead while he laughs at his genius.

“You practically live in the gym and talk my ear off about being healthy,” you huff, “And now you just want to hog junk food?”

“I’m just good at being healthy,” he grins. “So I can eat unhealthily. You could do with some work, though.”

You raise your leg to kick him in the side but he catches your foot, laughing loudly at your resentful expression.

You’re about to throw the pillow at him when a click comes from the main door unlocking. The two of you freeze and look at each other. You know for sure this will be the last straw if your roommate finds Yukhei again, and you’ll be reported for good. Yukhei and you jump up in a panic and look around for any way to evade impending doom. The few seconds have you frantically searching for an explanation in case she does find him, and you swear at yourself for forgetting about her warnings. (In your defence, most of the things she says are meaningless and you have no reason to remember them.)

Yukhei points to the giant walk-in closet and sneaks towards it, careful not to make a noise. You tiptoe in before your roommate can enter the shared room, and hide behind a rack just in case she decides to come in. Yukhei isn’t small enough to be entirely covered, so you just pray your roommate has no intention of fetching a pair of shorts.  

You hold your breath at the shuffling outside the door and move backwards carefully, only for your back to press against Yukhei’s torso. He stiffens at the touch but continues the needed silence. You end up squeezed in one corner of the closet, little ways from the mirror.

You sigh in relief once you hear the click of the door again. She must’ve come in to get notebooks for her next class, you guess. You turn to Yukhei but your breath hitches when you see him like that in the half-lit closet, his figure leaning towards you. It’s not very comfortable to have your body close against him, half twisted.

Yukhei’s gaze sends your heart into a pitfall. He takes a step towards you just as you take a step back and you end up pressed against the wall with Yukhei’s arms on either side of you.

“You’re still so pretty,” he says, his voice low.

A pause ensues before he speaks again, his voice barely above a whisper. “Can I kiss you?”

The touch of his lips against yours has you seeing colours you never knew existed. One of his hands still rests against the wall while the other is placed gently around your waist. You can’t quite remember the details except Yukhei’s lips are as soft as silk and you resent the separation when he pulls apart.

“I’ve wanted to do that,” Yukhei looks down as he speaks, his cheeks tinted a darker shade of pink, “for a really long time.”

“You’re so stupid,” you huff, “Or maybe I’m the one who’s stupid.”

He responds with a wide-eyed smile when you cup his cheeks and pull him in again, your fingers skimming over his lower jaw. This time you feel every touch of the kiss, your fingers tingling and your lips tasting his. The feelings you’ve been struggling to tie up and toss away come pouring out of you as you try to keep them orderly.

It’s different splashes of colour with each kiss and the two of you can’t help the laughter tumbling out of your mouths.

“I love you,” Yukhei murmurs, his mouth against your jaw. “I’ve loved you all my life.”

He places a chaste kiss against your lips before looking at you with an adoring smile. Yukhei’s never been good at using words to express his feelings, but he’s never really had trouble expressing them either.

“I’m sorry I took so long to realize,” you whisper, before pulling him by the neck of his sweatshirt and into another kiss.

“I’m letting you go just this once,” you roommate calls when you step out of your room in the evening. “Congratulations on getting a boyfriend.”

You blush deep red and look anywhere else to avoid her sly grin. So she did figure it out. You owe her one, or more for not telling on you all the times Yukhei and the others have been over. Perhaps you had got off on the wrong foot. You should start listening to Yukhei’s advice on how to make friends. You should start listening to Yukhei for a lot of things.

Maybe Yukhei has always meant to talk about your colours but never found words good enough. Maybe he loves the way you laugh and finds himself doing more and more ridiculous things just for you. Maybe he’s told you that he loves you a lot of times but you weren’t listening. Maybe, just maybe, you too have always been the main actor in Yukhei’s life.