#why are we EXPECTED to suffer and seen as weaker if we make our lives easier

[freakwiththeknifecollection]

The stigma around taking medication is weird as a person who takes medications cause you'll have someone who knows you take meds tell you why they don't want to take any and it's deeply rooted in ableism and also makes you wonder... do they think these things about me because I take medication?

It's just like when someone explains to you, a glasses wearer, why they don't want to wear glasses. It's always offensive and comes from their self-pride and vanity issues

[magnumpihq]

Ratings and articles about ratings.

Here’s a longer guide to ratings, what they mean and why we shouldn’t panic about them as well as the articles.

During the save campaign a media outlet has reported that renewal will come down to ratings and Magnum P.I. gathering new viewers and better ratings. That statement is a bid of a double-edged sword.

The show has gathered new viewers, mainly seen on social media as new friends slide into the new warm and fuzzy blanket that is the comfort show called Magnum P.I. We also left some viewers behind on CBS, which is perfectly natural. CBS is known to be a ratings giant, in large part to the general audience CBS gathers that simply turns CBS on no matter what is on. Think background music that consist of explosions and gunshots. These viewers are the ones we haven’t managed to bring over to NBC and we weren’t going to be able to bring them over anyway.

But let’s look at some things in more detail.

What are ratings?

Ratings are a measuring system, by which networks gage the audiences interest in their shows. Based on ratings advertisers also decide what ads to place and potentially how much they pay for it, which is income for the networks. The sales demographic (18-49) is specifically interesting to those. Networks as well as the companies have access to far more data than the simple sales

Are our ratings bad?

Simply said, no. For a Sunday show on NBC in our timeslot our ratings are solid. Even the recent ‘drop’ in numbers is just a reflection of the competition currently on. Sundays are some of the weaker days in terms of ratings. At the moment Sundays generally don’t gather stellar ratings across the board. Every show and network suffers from this downturn (Hello streamer competition, anyone?)

Why did we suffer a drop in ratings in the recent weeks?

Simply said: Competition and natural viewing behavior.

March Madness is an event people watch live (as are Oscars, but March Madness much more so). These people record their shows instead of missing the game. March Madness also consistently ran overtime a little. People don’t just switch to other channels to catch half an episode. If they haven’t set a recording they will watch on Peacock.

It’s also somewhat natural for shows to lose a few viewers along the way. The reasons are as many as you can possibly imagine. Some lose interest, some have a different working schedule, lose access to NBC, aren’t in the right mindset to watch, have to go to the hospital, stubbed their toe, die (yeah, people annoyingly do that in which case their rating isn’t counted).

Where is everyone who saved the show and why aren’t they watching?

It’s a frequent complain and one that is perhaps the most stinging to the fans that have become active to try and save the show. It’s also an unfair question. A little over 14000 people signed the petition, only a fraction of those have donated to the fund, a handful have organized initiatives (billboard, anyone). You will have to subtract international viewers here, who have made up a large portion of that number. As you can see those specific fans are around – if they can. The international fans have no way of contributing to ratings other than social media engagement.

What ratings do we need to get renewed?

Impossible for us to tell. Ratings are only one factor in a large grid of data that NBC has access to and we don’t. We like having control, I know, but in this case we don’t have any.

Data we don’t have but that factors into renewal decisions:

Production cost (including rent for stages, compensation for cast, crew and so on)

How much money the ads actually make

How much money product placement in the show brings in

Number of people streaming

Contract requirements for the ads

Social media engagement (beyond the cold numbers) and the value they put into it

Projected ratings and expectations

To make it simple: A show that has high production cost and high ratings can still be canceled if the income the show brings doesn’t match the cost of producing it. Shows with lower ratings can still be renewed if there’s a solid profit.

Why do ratings look so different on a Sunday than a Friday?

Viewer behavior and circumstance. Friday is the beginning of the weekend, a lot more people have time to just kick back and watch TV, whereas Sundays people prepare for the new work week, maybe go to bed early. The reasons are endless, but it comes down to this: Sunday ratings and Friday ratings are wildly different overall. More people watch Friday in general, so our numbers would be higher there, too, but our Sunday ratings do reflect the higher ratings we would have on a Friday, translated to the circumstances on a Sunday.

We would have better ratings on a Friday, why doesn’t NBC put us back on a Friday?

It comes back to the data we don’t have. Yes, we performed well on a Friday, but NBC has analysts who thought it would be most beneficial to have Magnum P.I. on a Sunday. They had a reason to put it there. Also we would have likely experienced a rating drop on Fridays, too. Mainly because, as pointed out, the people who habitually watch CBS, wouldn’t watch NBC now.

CBS has a much higher rating than we do. Should we be worried?

No. NBC won’t make renewal decisions based on what CBS does. NBC makes decisions based on how their own shows do. Ultimately the shows that bring (and are projected to continue to bring) good profit, not ratings, are likely the ones that will be renewed. So don’t look to other networks, we’re not in direct competition with them for a timeslot at NBC, we’re in competition with other NBC shows. And among them we’re far from the worst performer. (And again, we have very little data in order to gage profitability)

Why are articles reporting so negatively about the shows ratings?

It’s simple journalism. Similar to shows, articles have a bit of a rating system behind them: Clicks. Highly clicked articles = more income.

Now as yourself which headline are you more likely to click and which article are you more likely to read through:

Magnum P.I. plummets to a new all-time low.

Or

Magnum P.I. has 0.5mil viewers less this week than last week.

You’re more likely to click the first one, because it tickles your emotions, in this case in a negative way. The same way the content does. This type of language grabs you more, which increases click rates and the chance that you read the entire thing through, which is what they want.

Ultimately they pick the language to manipulate you into a reaction, not because it reflects their opinion or the meaning of the ratings. The content is the same, though: The ratings dropped.

Matt, who almost writes daily articles about Magnum P.I., is a great example for it. I am sure we all remember when he had headlines during the save announcing statements by a star of the show only to click the article and realize it was just talking about a recent social media post by a cast member which we had already seen. The objective here is, like with every other website: Gather clicks. In this case by tickling your curiosity. It’s nothing more, nothing less.

The reason why the articles sound negative is simply to get you to react. They in no way reflect NBCs opinions, nor are they able to tap into more data than we do, which is the ratings. All they have is a bit of experience with previous shows, but when it comes down to that, they consistently point out that Mangum P.I.s ratings are a win for NBCs Sunday line-up.

Why aren’t streaming numbers released?

Internal decision, but maybe this quiets your mind: Procedurals like Magnum P.I. are known to have great streaming numbers. They’re one of the best performing genres on streaming platforms. One of the reasons for that is how easy one can get into the plot at any point due to the stories contained within an episode. Magnum P.I. and all the other procedurals are a show where you can watch an episode without context of previous seasons and still enjoy it due to the mystery of the day. From there maybe the serialized aspect makes viewers go back. Or they continue to watch. But our streaming numbers could very well be good.

Does the drop mean it looks bad for renewal?

No. Right now what you want to look at is context: Magnum P.I. brought NBC the strongest Sunday ratings in years. Our decline is happening within the context of a sport event/natural decline and NBC will have expected it. Other than that our ratings are stable.

We also consistently adjust upward from the preliminary ratings we get on a Monday to the final ones we get the week after. That means something.

Ultimately we will not be able to judge our renewal chances on the ratings alone, due to the multitude of factors (and there could be more) I already mentioned.

There is no point in getting overly worried about ratings. We can’t control them! No matter how much we want to.

What we can control is this: If we can watch it and have our view counted, do. Engaged with the official accounts on social media and enjoy the show. There’s really nothing more we can do.

[virtueisdead]

“This is the last time I'll be humoring this subject for even a moment.”

You are on call with Xeryrex themself. It took a great deal of social engineering to get through the infamous celebrity's office and into a call with the real deal. You succinctly made your demands and received a predictably dismissive response. You're waiting for them to hang up, but you hear a slow sigh instead.

“See, you and your contemporaries continue to suffer from an enormous misconception that these animates are something greater than they really are.”

They make a sound mimicking an animate clicking their tongue, sarcastically miming their contempt and impatience.

“They live to breed, eat, sleep, and die. This entire concept of ‘animate art’ is nothing more than a narcissistic delusion of the most self-absorbed species in the entire lower universe. I simply don't understand why you lot continue to fool yourself into believing it too.”

You try you best to contain your spite for the enormous hurdle you're speaking with. You open your mouth.

“You've got it backwards, Xeryrex. You, your staff, and everyone who watches your childish show are all deluding yourself into believing that they are so simple. You're all convincing yourself that so you can justify the way you've been treating them from the start.”

They laugh mockingly at you. You bite your tongue, knowing you already prodded more than necessary.

“Oh, you want to bring in some ‘philosophy’? How about this; whether they're more complex than that or not, who is to say that they have any right to defy us? Who is to say we have a responsibility to respect them? They are weak. They are subordinate by nature.”

Your eyes narrow.

“It's common sense! They are just as capable as us!”

Their voice raises to a shout.

“THEY. ARE. WEAK! They are weak because we they are weaker than us. We are responsible for their creation. They are responsible for our entertainment. Had we no need for their existence, they would not exist at all; they exist purely by our will and for our enjoyment.”

“Do you have no empathy?!”

They scoff.

“You're either ignorant or hypocritical. Have you not seen the ways they treat their dependent narratives? Do you think they have empathy for those below them?”

“But they don't have direct interaction!”

“Yet. Not that it changes anything either way. What do you and your goons hope to accomplish with these campaigns? Do you think you're going to stir the hearts of the audience when you shout during the show? Change our minds with these calls? Stop deluding yourself. You're practically worse than the animates.”

They end the call on the spot. You sigh. It's not like you expected anything to come of it, but you felt obligated to give them a chance before you start to turn their empire to ash.

[blahkugo]

Rouge

Satori Tendō x Reader (Haikyuu!!)

Word Count: 2.5k

TW: Mafia AU, Dark themes, Blood play (an excessive amount of blood mentions in general), Knife play, Asphyxiation, Angst (?), mentions of death (no main characters), Just two psychopaths going at it tbh.

A/N: I’m so excited to be writing for @the-smut-pile’s newest collab, hosted by @present-mel, @pleasantanathema, and @linestrider. Please make sure to check out the rest of the masterlist here!

Every night, the smell of bleach stings your nostrils and prayers left unsaid weigh heavy on your tongue. ‘It comes with the job,’ they had warned you, had urged a ‘pretty little thing like you,’ not to take a position you couldn’t stomach. You didn't listen, of course.

Because death isn’t a stranger in your life, nor an old acquaintance you catch up with once every few years. It’s a friend that phones daily, a lover you scurry into bed with—the chill down your spine when you walk home alone in eerie silence.

As a doctor you saw it everyday, with every patient that prayed for pity when the pain became all too much. Cries of the sick plagued your every waking moment; who were you to deny them release? Their suffering ended the moment you injected the drugs.

But you’ve never seen death like this before.

“Daydreaming again, angel?” Tendō swipes a disinfectant across the cold metal counter, rubbing until pools of pomegranate red match his long, messy hair. Despite the dreariness of the task, an impish smile remains plastered across his face, the glint in his eyes unscathed by the scene you’d both just witnessed.

“It’s still Doctor to you.” Try as you might, your voice comes out shaky, your heart pounding so hard you’re worried it may actually jump out. That feeling never quite leaves you.

He straightens his gloves and out comes his signature laugh—that high, maniacal, chuckle that stops just short of a song. You’d rip out your car radio if it meant getting rid of it.

“You haven’t been one for a long time.”

The truth makes you shudder, but he’s right, of course. Once your license had been stripped away and you were on the run, your career had officially ended. An ‘Angel of Mercy,’ all the news stations had called you, yapping on for days when you were that week’s most wanted woman.

You don’t have the right to be called a medical professional and yet, you stand your ground. If it means getting him to quit with the dreadful pet name, you’ll say just about anything.

“Your boss calls me Doctor.”

“Because my boss can’t remember your name.” He meets your eyes, lips quirking upward at the little huff that escapes you, your furrowed brows spilling bits of frustration you so desperately attempt to keep bottled. The air hangs heavy with the shrieks of anger you wish you could unleash, all the words you don’t dare say aloud in fear of looking weaker than he already believes you are.

Instead of challenging you further, Tendō simply turns away, chucking the wipes in a bin and humming a tune far too cheery for a man who just ended a life.

When night comes, you dream of the older man who begged to see his children one last time and the laugh that sounds like a song.

—

The next day isn’t any better, because it never is. Ushijima’s moles bring in three more bodies for questioning; bodies, because you’ve been instructed to refer to them as nothing but. And they’re young this time, heavily tattooed kids that can’t be much older than nineteen—children that look so much like the thralls of young men you’ve learned to call friends, you have to avert your eyes when they send panicked glances your way.

You wonder if Tendō ever makes these comparisons.

“I’ll only ask once,” the gruff, even voice echoes within the small space. “Who’s your supplier?” Your boss is cold and calculated. He never wavers, never says more than he needs to. He’s everything you’d thought the leader of a crime organization would be and more.

Tendō hovers next to him, gnarled fingers twitching eagerly at the knife splayed between them. It’s his weapon of choice, because—as he mentioned your first day on the job—he can ‘take his time with them’.

The captives crack immediately, pleading helplessly for their lives as they vow they know nothing. They probably don’t, appearing to be nothing more than lowly thugs in a long hierarchy of vile men. It doesn’t stop what comes next.

As expected, Ushijima remains silent except for the soft sigh that leaves him. Tendō sighs as well, though it seems more pleased—euphoric, even—than bored. He presses a slender finger into the tip of his knife, watches as a bit of blood runs down his lean arm, paints a strip of his tattoos red, and drips onto the metal table.

“Are they ours now?” Ours. The word brings bile to your throat. Ushijima makes his way to the door, bluntly calling over his shoulder,

“Do what you must.”

You push up your glasses, Tendō grins, and the screaming begins.

—

Blood-stained lab coats are a staple of your wardrobe. No matter how hard you scrub, fingers raw and aching, the faded pinks never seem to give. You quit months ago, resorted to throwing the worst ones away instead of putting yourself through that hell.

This coat’s going straight to the bin.

Through every horrid interrogation, you’ve forced yourself to watch. You’ve never looked away, never dared allow him to smell the fear off of you. You hand him the tools, write the information on the clipboard, assist with cleanup and disposal, and answer any questions he may have—like the good little medical doctor turned mafia member you should be.

And Tendō smiles the whole way through. Even as dagger meets flesh, as pained cries shatter your eardrums, as your vision is clouded with red, red, red—Tendō smiles, humming a tune that you hear long into the next evening.

But today, when the third young man had looked you dead in the eyes and sobbed, begging you to tell his mother he loves her, you couldn’t help yourself.

Of course, the towering redhead didn’t fail to detect the misstep.

“Bad day?” He questions innocently, resting his elbows on the now spotless titanium table. His muscles ripple as he leans, boasting the thousands of dollars worth of art across his arms. It bothers you that you notice it, even more that he probably catches you gawking. He sees everything, after all. Everything but the blood still splattered across his body.

“Won’t be the last, for us at least.” Brows raise, as though the thought hadn’t occurred to him. If at all possible, the wicked grin on his face widens.

“You’re exactly right.” And like clockwork, he laughs. Your hands grow cold, ice corroding your veins. He swipes his tongue over his lip, leaving a slick shine on his lips. When he rises and steps toward you, you stand your ground, though you so desperately long to run. “Why so serious?”

“They didn’t know anything,” you mumble under your breath, “and you tortured them anyways.” In all your months of working with him, this is the first you’ve complained—and you immediately wish you hadn’t.

Tendō moves even closer, as though entertained by your tiny outburst. Perhaps he’s been waiting for this moment, for you to finally break your silence. When he speaks, his tone is gentler than usual, but still holds every hint of mockery and nonchalance the bastard is known for,

“It’s our job, angel face.” Another step, another tiny breath you’re holding in, worried that the slightest of sighs might shatter your perfected image of faux indifference. He tilts his head to the side, peering down at you, like you’re- a child.

And the glass breaks.

“Enough.” You splay your hands in front of you, halting him in his tracks, just as he invades your space. “Enough of the patronizing looks, and the humming, and the stupid pet name that you know bothers me!” An accusatory finger is jabbed into his chest. “Don’t you feel guilt? Fear? Empathy? You murder people.”

Your chest burns, heaving with rage. Tendō’s half-smile still sits on his face, words of ridicule ready to roll off his tongue any second. But when you look into his eyes, there seems to be something more—an emotion you can’t quite place. Anger? Understanding?

His next sentence is whispered with such sobriety, you’re unsure who it is you’re speaking to anymore,

“People like us don’t deserve those feelings.”

“There is no us!” The claim may come out crazy, hysterical even— a woman covered in warm blood shrieking within a cold, sterile room. For once, you don’t care. “I’m not like you.”

Those words may be what set him off, hand wrapping around your chin and tilting it up so that you’re unable to look away. Fingers that incite panic and enact violence, fingers you’ve feared since your first day here, clutching you ever-so casually. “Exactly. You’re not like me.”

He doesn’t wait for your rebuttal, gripping harder at your face. “I’ve made my peace with who I am, but you,” his breath fans your cheeks, “you only pretend you don’t enjoy it.”

Then, Tendō’s kissing you. And to your utter surprise, you’re kissing him back. Heat rises within you, the hairs at your neck curling as your lips meet with a ferocity. His palms graze your lab coat—no doubt staining his skin with the blood it’s drenched in—before he’s peeling it off.

When you tug at his messy locks, the butcher smiles and sinks his teeth into your bottom lip. He pulls you closer, hurriedly stripping you of your remaining clothing, until you’re left in just your panties. Hands roam at your supple skin, kneading at your hips, meshing into you wherever he can. All the while, your lips do the same, bleeding into each other until you’re unsure of where you start and he ends.

“No.” The command is stern, perhaps the most you’ve ever been with him. His eyes narrow in disappointment, limbs rapidly untangling from your body. You shove him backwards until his knees hit the edge of the table, nudge him again so that he falls against it, and grab a clean scalpel off the side counter. “No, we do deserve to feel those things.” His grin returns in full force—and he laughs.

This time, you don’t hate it.

“Deep down,” he grunts as you hitch a leg over his thighs and climb onto him, “you know that I’m right.” The scalpel’s pointed tip grazes his black tee, cutting through the material meticulously. You run a palm up his broad chest before pressing a finger to his mouth, smearing nearly dried blood across his jaw in the process.

“You talk too much,” the hushed murmur tumbling from your lips doesn’t sound like you, is foreign and twisted, and too much like him to bode well for either of you. The muscles in his thighs tense beneath you, his hard chest rumbling in a silent glee.

Your fingers brush against his cheekbones and you gasp, losing all perception of who you are. It’s absurd, but the individual you knew before, the persona you so adamantly believed you could uphold, crumbles with a single, soft touch of his skin.

And it’s unfair, really, that someone so beautiful—covered in art, blessed with hair the color of sweet wine and a laugh that sounds like music—could be so utterly fucked up.

When you nick his cheek, observing the drip of blood that trickles down, you wonder if Tendō ever makes these comparisons. And when you lick at it, preening at the groan that leaves him, you wonder if you’re just as fucked up as he is.

All at once, you’re flipped beneath him, back crashing against the cool metal table. He climbs down and drags his pants off, yanks you towards him with one pull of your thighs, and presses against your core. A shiver runs down your spine at the heat, crazes you for something you didn’t think you needed.

“By the way,” Tendō speaks through kisses and nips at your neck, “you are just as fucked up.” Though you hadn’t realized you’d said that aloud, you’re unable to retaliate, only wrap your legs around his middle and moan at a particularly harsh bite. He soothes every spot of broken skin with his tongue, drifting downwards until his lips meet your cotton panties. “How cute.”

“Well, I wasn’t exactly expecting thi– Ah,” your complaint is cut short when he moves them to the side and licks a long stripe up your slit. And he doesn’t stop, lapping and sucking at your soaked cunt, holding you down with one lean arm when you writhe in response to the pressure. “God, fuck.”

“Satori, but I’ll take God too,” he smirks against your mound. It’s then that he inserts a lithe finger, then two, stretching you out until you’re tugging at his long locks, goosebumps raised as the warmth of his mouth intertwines with the cold beneath your back.

You’re panting, unconcerned with time or it’s passing, only his fingers, his tongue circling your puffy bud, and your steady ascension to the edge. Just as your legs tense, breath caught mid-mewl of his name, he stops. You lean up on your elbows, rut against him, searching for more—friction, movement, anything—but he doesn’t let up.

“Fuck- why?” Your cry is loud, whiny even, but you don’t particularly care when euphoria’s been ripped away from you so suddenly.

“Tell me I’m right,” he teases, eyes peering straight through yours. You whine again, a mix between a pained groan and ‘are you fucking serious?’ before he flicks at your bud once more. “Say it.”

And you do. Because, as strongly as you've denied it, you’re every bit as perverse as he is, every bit as infatuated by the idea of power, of playing God—of holding a life between your fingertips and choosing death.

The second the words are out of your mouth, he thrusts deep into you. Your fingers scramble for purchase, nails dragging against the table, then his back, as skin slaps against skin.

There’s nothing gentle about Satori, all lean, hard muscle and jagged edges, but the pain is just as blissful as the pleasure. His fingertips rub at your clit, other hand moving to wrap around your throat and squeeze tightly.

“Satori, I- I need more,” you choke out, lightheaded. And he complies, shifting you to your side and throwing one of your legs over his shoulder. Your cries melt into his, sweat soaking your skin, your hair, the table, as he pounds into you over and over again.

“That’s it baby– fuck, let go for me.” He presses the long-forgotten scalpel against your throat—and your vision goes white. Electricity sparks through your spine, your tongue lolls out, and you swear you feel tears run down your cheeks.

He doesn’t stop, working you through the orgasm as your legs bind his waist. A few more thrusts and he’s following you, holding your hips against him so tightly, he’ll probably leave deep purple bruises.

He finally stills, chest falling against yours and heaving, allowing you both to catch your breath. Flashing a set of pearly canines, his wild grin and the glint in his eyes reappear. For the first time since you’ve known him, Tendō is completely silent.

And then he laughs, lawless and untamed, the howl of a hyena that sounds like a song—and you laugh too.

[sporkandpringles]

Strange New Worlds Season 1 Episodes: Ranked

These are just like... my opinions. From worst to best. #10 (my least favorite): 1x09 “All Those Who Wander”

I’m trying to think of a single good thing in this episode, and I think the only part I liked was when Pike put the apron on Spock. That was funny! The rest of this episode sucked though. From Hemmer being fridged for Uhura’s character development (way to give a WOC more trauma and kill off the show’s only recurring disabled character at the same time, paramount!) to the Gorn retcon in facilitation of a painfully obvious and thematically empty rip-off of Alien, and topping it off with everyone pushing Spock to be more human in extremely uncomfortable ways that aren’t addressed or called out, this episode was painful to watch from beginning to end.  0/10. #9: 1x07 “The Serene Squall”

A lot of people really liked this episode and that had me scratching my head. Yes the pirate gags were funny. Yes Pike cooking and causing a mutiny was fun. Yes I enjoyed seeing glimpses of Sybok and Stonn. (obsessed with the fact that T’Pring is gonna dump absolute Chad Spock for that extremely bland dude, like yes girl, give us nothing). Yes I felt like Dr. Aspen cut straight to the heart of Spock’s issues and the quote about maybe him being neither was good. But... I feel like all of that is undercut by them being a twist villain who said they were only doing it to manipulate Spock. After the twist was revealed, everything Angel said became invalid. And that made the rest of the episode very hard to watch for me. I also wasn’t crazy about the “pretend kiss”. And as a lore nitpicker, some of Angel’s and Spock’s lines about kolinahr have me concerned. Yes it’s possible that the writers were simply trying to show that Angel, by virtue of being Sybok’s partner, doesn’t understand Vulcan culture and logic at all. But Spock also said “I very much look forward to mine” as if it was already something he expected to do at some point. And maybe they were just trying to nod toward the fact that he does attempt it at a later date, but I just don’t trust the writers after they’ve blatantly disregarded so many other things.  2/10.

#8: 1x06 “Lift Us Where Suffering Cannot Reach” I actually didn’t hate this one when I first watched it, but on reflection I think it’s a lot weaker than it could have been. I really appreciate SNW for attempting to do a classic Trek ethical dilemma, but I think it falls short by not actually letting Captain Pike make a choice. Agree or disagree, Janeway’s choice in “Tuvix” is part of what makes that an episode we still talk about. But Pike was knocked out before he could do anything to interfere. I think if he’d successfully saved the child, but made the whole city sink into the lava and had to live with that/or he tried to save the kid, but decided to put him back when he saw the whole city was sinking, then it would have been a better episode. But I think the writers were too afraid of marring Pike’s perfect paragon image, and it’s ultimately to the detriment of the story. That being said, I did like the costuming and the worldbuilding of Majalis in this episode. I haven’t read or seen “The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas”, which I’ve heard is extremely similar. So it didn’t feel too derivative to me—although I totally get why people feel that way. And I actually think the fact that Alora and the Majalans could just leave their homeworld at any time is fine. It mirrors the way that we could, at any time, decide to improve our society for the better, but we’re just so stuck in our ways that we would rather accept and enshrine suffering than change. 3/10 

#7: 1x01 “Strange New Worlds 

This was a pretty solid opener. Not quite as immediately gripping as what I still believe to be Star Trek’s best pilot episode ever: VOY 1x01 “Caretaker”. But it is a spin-off of Discovery, and so I think having a less grand opening is fine.Uhura’s hazing and the dinner in the Captain’s quarters is a great scene. Hemmer’s introduction is wonderful. The hijinks on the planet are fun. Spock in shorts! The genetic manipulation as disguises bothered me on the first watch-through (especially since only 2 episodes later they remind us that the Federation has a ban on genetic manipulation) but maybe that only applies to permanent modifications. Or the Federation are a bunch of big fat hypocrites. Which is probably true (wish SNW would address it, though).

I really appreciated the nods to Discovery. I’m a continuity nut and showing that Michael’s time-travel to the future did actually have consequences in the 23rd century, despite being classified, was really cool. Also Pike is 100% correct, Fuck the Prime Directive. A lot of people took issue with the scenes with Spock and T’Pring, but I actually thought they were okay. Really weird that the writers decided to put Spock getting engaged and almost having sex with T’Pring in like... the first five minutes. Really feels deliberate in a bad way. And I’m not crazy about them for continuity reasons (Spock, did all of your non 7-year-old pictures of T’Pring get deleted in a tragic shipwide memory wipe?) But the scenes themselves are fine. And T’Pring’s actress does a really incredible job. One nitpick I had with this episode is with Pike threatening the civilization with his big guns in order to get them to stand down. It’s a little at odds with his “I’m gonna talk the Romulans into peace” approach in 1x10, which was highlighted as one of the things that made that future a bad one. But he probably was bluffing in this instance anyway.

My biggest gripe though is definitely how poorly the writers are handling Pike’s arc. I think it’s okay for him to be afraid of change, and disfigurement. But calling it “my death” is just weird. He’s not dead. He’ll have to learn to live with more limited capabilities, sure. But he acts like his existence becomes suddenly meaningless after his accident and that’s a huge insult to everyone who has been disabled by accidents. 5/10.

#6: 1x04 “Memento Mori”

This episode was also pretty solid. I hate what SNW is doing to the Gorn, which started with this episode, but it’s certainly a less egregious offender than episode 09. La’an’s mind-meld with Spock is a good scene which establishes a connection between them on the basis of them both losing a sibling. It’s also one of the few scenes Spock gets with a woman that isn’t just oozing with overwrought sexual tension. (no shade to Spock x La’an shippers, I respect y’all). Sometimes SNW’s themed episodes feel a bit copy-pasted without really adding anything to the narrative. I think “The Serene Squall”’s pirate theme didn’t really match with Spock’s struggle to understand himself. And “All Those Who Wander”’s blatant ripoff of Alien still confuses me. Why do the writers keep bringing that up like it’s a good thing? But I think the “submarine episode” type-feel of this one works because it doesn’t feel like a carbon copy of any specific submarine movie, and it’s in service of the themes of isolation and mystery that are present throughout the episode.  6/10. 

#5: 1x05 “Spock Amok” I love hijinks. Hijinks are the best. I also am a #1 T’Pring stan so this episode really fed that side of me. I’m not the biggest fan of the whole Spock/T’Pring/Chapel love triangle, but I’m willing to set aside my issues and enjoy a good, silly bodyswap episode. I think this one also does a really good job of establishing that, while they’re trying their best, Spock and T’Pring just aren’t meant for each other. Their inability to properly perform the ritual to understand each other is just the first of many, many incompatibilities these two have.  Continuity gripe: Christine Chapel now apparently knows about T’Pring, even though she wore the same shocked face as the others in “Amok Time” when Spock said she was his wife. I could decide to headcanon that she was just surprised they were still together, because let’s face it, the greatest mystery now is why the hell didn’t they break up before that point, now that we’ve seen in “The Serene Squall” that they can terminate their bond at anytime. But that would be deliberately reading against author’s intent, methinks. Other nitpicking: I think Spock should have used the nerve pinch on that guy T’Pring was trying to bring in. Punching him just doesn’t quite feel right for his character, to me. It was kinda romantic though to punch the guy for insulting his fiancee. Too bad they’re doomed to fail. Is anyone else shipping Chapel/T’Pring after this episode? No? Still only me? 7/10.

#4: 1x03 “Ghosts of Illyria” I think this episode had some great things to say about the close-mindedness of the Federation and how they’ve let their negative history with Khan and the Eugenics Wars blind them to the ways other people might be using genetic manipulation for good causes. The light-spreading disease was a unique mechanic that was a really fun. Uhura getting to model Starfleet’s first durag was really cool and I loved her line about being like the Princess and the Pea. (Autistic Uhura with sensory issues, anyone?) I also enjoyed the Spock & Pike scenes on the planet. And Una carrying Hemmer like a sack of potatoes is a huge highlight. I think my main criticism of this episode is less to do with the episode itself, but more to do with the fact that it didn’t feel properly followed up on? Here’s to hoping Season 2 will do more to address the issues raised in this one. 8/10.

#3: 1x08 “The Elysian Kingdom” This episode was just pure fun. All the cast got to dress up and have a great time. Ortegas dressed as a knight made me ever gayer. Hemmer as a wizard/scientist was hilarious and iconic. Uhura made an amazing evil queen. Pike being cowardly and disloyal was really funny. And while I’d been hoping that M’Benga would be able to cure his daughter, I think that would have been like a slap in the face to Pike, who doesn’t get to escape his fate. So this is probably the second best option. My only complaint is that they should have let the crew keep their memories. Let Pike be embarrassed by how he acted. Let Spock trip over himself trying to apologize. Let Ortegas reminisce fondly about her sword, Starfall. This episode would be so much more impactful if they could remember it. Don’t be cowards, paramount! 9/10.

#2: 1x10 “A Quality of Mercy” Okay, okay, this episode ROCKED. I’ve heard people saying it’s just a cheap, bland rip-off of “Balance of Terror” but hear me out. I love Romulans. I love Alternate Timelines. Especially ones that include Romulan War Part II: Electric Boogaloo. I love it when characters try to change things and get bitten in the ass by the Butterfly Effect. I loved all the parallels and changes. I loved the gritty action sequences and updated special effects. I love that this episode did not violate canon. Someone in Paramount wrote this episode specifically for me, and I am living for it.

I’ve heard criticisms of Paul Wesley’s Kirk, and I just have to say, he’s a different person in this episode. He’s not TOS Kirk, because he’s missing out on a whole year of experiences as the Enterprise Captain. He doesn’t have Spock or McCoy to be his moral centers. He’s grim and solemn in this episode because he’s captain of the Farragut--a ship on which he he witnessed over 200 people get killed by a cloud creature, (an event which he blames himself for, by the way, and specifically for not acting fast enough, which I think motivates a lot of his impetus to charge in guns blazing this time). Yeah I agree it’s a shame they cast such a skinny guy who can’t carry on the legacy of James “Thicc” Kirk. But I think he understood the assignment. I have a few aesthetic nitpicks, like why did they add ridges to the Romulan Commander? And why is the Romulan Neutral Zone shown to be like... only a few hundred meters across and not several lightyears? But my one serious gripe with this episode is this line: “Every time we change the path, he dies.” Like, I can totally get behind Pike wanting to spare Spock from suffering a fate similar to the one he’s destined to face. No one wants to see their friend get mangled like that, if they can avoid it. But Spock wasn’t dead. The writers keep using that word. But disability isn’t death! Urgh. 9.5/10.

#1 (my favorite): 1x02 “Children of the Comet”

Saving a planet? Check. Sam Kirk immediately getting incapacitated? Hilarious. The themes of predestination vs. interference? Handled very well and very cool. The makeup, costumes and set design for the aliens on Persephone III? Phenomenal. Spock and Uhura getting to sing a duet? Amazing. (sidenote: I know I’m a spirk girlie, but if SNW was determined to make Spock have an m/f relationship besides his one with T’Pring, spock/uhura is right there. They actually have a lot of shared qualities that would make them a good match (intelligence, cultural sensitivity, both struggling with finding where they belong) and their duet scene here really reminded me of that one duet they shared in TOS. And both of those are really sweet. I do think it’s perfectly possible to read both scenes as platonic, if you want. But if Spock and Kirk had sung a duet I know y’all would be losing your minds.)  My one nitpick: like all of their scenes together, I felt like the way Chapel flirted with Spock was weird and off-putting. But I don’t blame her for shooting her shot. It’s unclear in this episode if she’s aware of T’Pring yet or not. And Spock is a hottie, what can I say? All in all, this episode was everything I wanted this series to be. It’s a shame they weren’t all a little more like it. I was really hoping “Strange New Worlds” meant we’d get more planet of the week stuff. But really only the first 3 did that, and this was certainly the best of those 3. 10/10. 

[seraphfeathers]

not a terf but was scrolling through the womens rights tag. women have 30% less muscle mass than men and are generally (thought not always) shorter and smaller? we are physically weaker that's why victims of physical domestic abuse are pre-dominantly women and why women are afraid of walking past men in the dark but not the other way around? what fucking planet are you living on?

Hi! Hoping this is a legit question because this is actually a point I think is very interesting - and I’d actually love to discuss it further!

The problem I have is with terfs trying to emphasise that during a celebration of strong female achievement and distinctly attempting to frame all women as weaker than all men - whilst the average is thereabouts, there remains a significant amount of overlap and it’s often less straightforward than it seems! There are also sometimes factors around social restriction or expectation that limits the discourse sometimes, though I admit that’s not a point I’ve looked into much. Either way, an event celebrating the achievements of women breaking through gender segregated barriers is not the best time to advocate for more gender-segregated barriers because “no woman can possibly catch up to a man”, and especially when employing a terf pov! And it really illuminates just how terfs see female achievement!

(I’m reminded of that one poll where many straight cis men are apparently under the impression they could score off Selena Williams in a tennis match.)

I won’t begrudge you on the fear of walking at night part - but here we should probably also consider how it is very much linked to rape culture - which is the aspect that makes it specifically gendered as opposed to simply based on physical traits and strength - an extremely weak man is still likely to be less afraid than the average woman. But I digress.

Domestic violence is also an interesting issue. Again, I’m always eager to hear more perspectives but from what I’ve seen, a lot of the truly horrific domestic violence is distinctly ongoing and continuous. Especially given the context of modernity, with (in most cases) communities and law enforcement, the truly awful cases of domestic violence are about the psychological and social a lot more than they are about the physical. They’re about people being separated from loved ones, having no escape from the situation and unable to receive support from authorities, and suffering silently because they’re unwilling to fight back not just because they might be physically weaker (kitchen knives in tv show melodramas come to mind), but because of these other barriers.

Ofc physical strength is still an element, but from what I’ve seen, it’s certainly not as clear cut as it’s sometimes portrayed, even in sport, (and even biological sex is more complicated than the binary) and given our contemporary society, it’s certainly not the most prominent reason for abuse and fear??

[nerdygaymormon]

Genesis 25 - Jacob & Esau

Isaac, the son of Abraham, marries Rebekah. After 20 years of marriage, Rebekah becomes pregnant. She feels a lot of discomfort and inquires of God about why she’s suffering, and receives the answer that twins are fighting in her womb. She’s told they’ll continue to fight all their lives, becoming two separate nations, and that the elder shall serve the younger.

Sure enough, Rebekah gives birth to fraternal twin boys.  

Esau was the first born of these twin brothers, which means according to the laws & customs, he is entitled to Isaac’s wealth and social power, which Isaac inherited from Abraham (even though Isaac was the 2nd son). It seems in addition to the wealth, Esau was also entitled to Isaac & Abraham’s relationship with God.  

Compared to Esau, Jacob would inherit a fraction of the wealth and resources, and Jacob is expected to obey the authority of his older brother who would be head of the family. 

This ancient culture divided men into a binary, those who were the first born and the rest. They were assigned different roles based on their birth order.

Esau, the firstborn of the twins, grows up to be hairy, tan, a cunning hunter, a farmer, and prefers to be outside. He was his dad’s favorite.

Jacob, the second born, prefers to be at home with his mom, dwelling in tents out of the sun (tents were usually seen to be the woman’s domain). He is smooth skinned (not hairy) and does the cooking.

Esau is the “manly” one, the one who lives up to the gender stereotypes, yet Jacob, the effeminate one, is favored by God. 

One day Esau returns from the fields famished and asked Jacob to give him some of the stew that Jacob had made. Jacob offered him a bowl in exchange for the birthright of the first born, to which Esau agreed.

We often tell the story as Esau didn’t really value the birthright, or that he acted in haste as he was more concerned about his immediate hunger. I think Esau agreed because he knew Jacob couldn’t force him to make good on the exchange. Jacob was physically weaker. Esau trusted his world of patriarchy and primogeniture would win the day, that the inheritance is his destiny. Esau believed he could not lose his privileged place. He says whatever Jacob wants to hear now in order to get the bowl of food and assumed the status quo would remain the same. Esau doesn’t view Jacob as a threat.

The problem for Esau is God doesn’t play by human rules. Esau assumed his society’s culture was also God’s will. The Bible is full of story after story of God disrupting primogeniture, polygamy, and patriarchy. God breaks binaries, prejudices, the status quo, and delights in upending our assumptions about who is blessed and who is not. God regularly selects recipients for divine blessings that violate the social order. Truly God means it when He says “the first shall be last,” and “blessed are the poor.”

With the help of his mother, Jacob fools his blind, aging father into giving him the birthright blessing. Esau is furious to the point he is ready to murder his brother

Jacob, the second-born, becomes the head of the family, the patriarch. Yet Jacob doesn’t change things, patriarchy and primogeniture remains the system. It stifles and oppresses, chooses winners based on arbitrary facts like who was born first. This results in Jacob having wives who hate each other and battle for what little power they can grasp, His sons will do the same and even subject Joseph, one of their youngest brothers, to violence when he dares to dream of being more than what his birth order limits him to.

I think there’s several lessons here for queer people:

The gender roles placed on us at birth are not binding

Gender roles matter to humans, not to God

God doesn’t have “favorites,” all are alike unto God

If we get power, we need to dismantle the systems that oppressed us, not continue that system now that we have power

God knows us, the real us, and isn’t deceived by what’s going on around us

God is eager to bless us

————————————————————

@latter-day-saint-nick had these additional thoughts: 

“I'm pretty sure many of us queer people can relate to it. We have been told that God's highest blessings are reserved for His cishet children, and the only way for us to attain them is to suppress parts of ourselves. Yet many of us have received personal revelation that God loves us as we are and has a place for us in His kingdom. This also fits with all we know about Christ's higher law of universal love. So we find ourselves having to go against the traditions and teachings of men, including many Church leaders, as we follow our personal revelations to be all that our Heavenly Father wants us to be. And the story of Jacob teaches us that we are not wrong to do so.

[oscopelabs]

It’s Arrested Development: How ‘High Fidelity’ Has Endured Beyond Its Cultural Sell-By Date by Vikram Murthi

It’s easy to forget now that at the beginning of 2020, before the pandemic had taken hold of our consciousness, for a brief moment, High Fidelity was back. Not only did Nick Hornby’s debut novel and Stephen Frears’ film adaptation celebrate major milestones this year — 25th and 20th anniversaries, respectively — but a TV adaptation premiered on Hulu in February. In light of all of these arbitrary signposts, multiple thinkpieces and remembrances litigated Hornby’s original text on familiar, predictable grounds. Is the novel/film’s protagonist Rob actually an asshole? (Sure.) Does Hornby uphold his character’s callous attitudes towards women? (Not really.) Hasn’t the story’s gatekeeping, anti-poptimist approach to artistic taste culturally run its course? (Probably.) Why do we need to revisit this story about this person right now? (Fair question!)

Despite reasonable objections on grounds of relevancy, enough good will for the core narrative—record store owner seeks out a series of exes to determine a pattern of behavior following a devastating breakup—apparently exists to help produce a gender-flipped streaming show featuring updated musical references and starring a decidedly not-middle-aged Zoë Kravitz. I only made it through six of ten episodes in its first (and only) season, but I was surprised by how closely the show hewed to High Fidelity’s film adaptation, to the point of re-staging numerous scenes down to character blocking and swiping large swaths of dialogue wholesale. (Similarly, the film adaptation hewed quite close to the novel, with most of the dialogue ripped straight from Hornby.) Admittedly, the series features a more diverse cast than the film, centering different experiences and broadly acknowledging some criticisms of the source material regarding its ostensibly exclusionary worldview. Nevertheless, it seemed like a self-defeating move for the show to line itself so definitively with a text that many consider hopelessly problematic, especially considering the potential to repurpose its premise as a springboard for more contemporary ideas.

High Fidelity’s endurance as both a piece of IP and a flashpoint for media discourse is mildly baffling for obvious reasons. For one thing, its cultural milieu is actually dated. Even correcting for vinyl’s recent financial resurgence, the idea of snooty record store clerks passing judgment on customer preferences has more or less gone the way of the dodo. With the Internet came the democratization of access, ensuring that the cultivation of personal taste is no longer laborious or expensive, or could even be considered particularly impressive (if it ever could have been). Secondly, as one might imagine, some of Hornby’s insights into heterosexual relationships and the differences between men and women, even presented through the flawed, self-deprecating interiority of High Fidelity’s main character, are indeed reductive. Frears’ film actually strips away the vast majority of Hornby’s weaker commentary, but the novel does include such cringeworthy bits like, “What’s the deal with foreplay?” that are best left alone.

Accounting for all of that, though, it’s remarkable how many misreadings of Hornby’s text have been accepted as conventional wisdom. It’s taken as a given by many that the novel and film earnestly preach the notion that what you like is more important than what you are like when, in fact, the narrative arc is constructed around reaching the opposite conclusion. (The last lines of the novel and film are, literally, “…I start to compile in my head a compilation tape for her, something that's full of stuff she's heard of, and full of stuff she'd play. Tonight, for the first time ever, I can sort of see how it's done.”) That’s relatively minor compared to the constant refrain that Rob’s narcissism goes uncriticized, even though the story’s thematic and emotional potency derives from what the audience perceives that Rob cannot. To put it bluntly, High Fidelity’s central irony revolves around a man who listens to music for a living being unable to hear the women in his life.

While Hornby’s prose immerses the reader in Rob’s interior monologue, providing ample room for the character to spout internal justifications of his behavior, the novel hardly obscures or conceals this conclusion. Moreover, the film makes it unavoidably explicit in numerous scenes. Rob (John Cusack) triumphantly pantomimes Rocky Balboa’s boxing routine soundtracked to Queen’s “We Are The Champions” after his ex-girlfriend Laura (Iben Hjejle) confirms she hasn’t yet slept with her new boyfriend Ray (Tim Robbins), but doesn’t hear the part where she says she prefers to sleep next to him. When Laura informs Rob that she did eventually sleep with Ray, Rob completely falls apart. In an earlier, more pointed scene, Rob goes out with his ex-girlfriend from high school (Joelle Carter) to ask why she chose to have sex with an obnoxious classmate instead of him. She venomously informs him that he actually broke up with her because she was too prudish, an abrupt, cruel bit of business we actually witness at the film’s beginning. It was in her moment of heartbroken vulnerability that she agreed to quickly sleep with someone else (“It wasn’t rape because I technically said, ‘Okay,’ but it wasn’t far off,” she sneers), which ultimately put her off sex until after college. Rob doesn’t hear this explanation or the damning portrait of his teenaged self. Instead, he’s delighted to learn that he wasn’t actually dumped.

These are evidently low character moments, one’s that are comedic in their depiction of blinkeredness but whose emotional takeaways are crystal clear, and one’s that have been written about before. My personal pick from the film, though, comes late when Rob attends Laura’s father’s funeral. He sits in the back and, in typical fashion, turns to the camera to deliver a list of songs to play at his funeral, concluding with his professed wish that “some beautiful, tearful woman would insist on ‘You’re The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me’ by Gladys Knight.” It’s a really galling, egotistical moment that still makes me wince despite having seen the movie umpteen times. Yet, it’s immediately followed by the casket being lowered to the ground as Laura’s sobs ring out in the church. In a movie defined by John Cusack’s vocal timbre, it’s one of the few times when he completely shuts up. From two-thirds down the center aisle, Frears’ camera pushes into Cusack’s face until tears in his eyes are visible, but what you really see is an appropriately guilt-ridden, ashamed expression.

However, none of this evidence carries any weight if your objection to High Fidelity is that Rob suffers no material consequences for his behavior. While Rob is frequently called out for his actions, he is never actively punished. He doesn’t, say, receive a restraining order for continually calling Laura after they’ve broken up or end up alone mending a permanent broken heart because of his past relationships. By the end, Rob and Laura get back together and Rob even starts an independent record label on the side. It’s a stretch to characterize Hornby’s High Fidelity as a redemption tale, but it is a sideways rehabilitation narrative with a happy ending that arises at least partly out of mutual exhaustion.

Those two elements—Rob’s asshole recovery and the exhausted happy ending—rarely seem to factor into High Fidelity discourse. Granted, there’s credence to the idea that, socially and culturally, people have less patience for the personality types depicted in High Fidelity, and thus are less inclined to extend them forgiveness, let alone anything resembling retribution. I suppose that’s a valid reaction, one against which I have no interest in arguing, but it’s somewhat ironic that High Fidelity has endured for reasons that have nothing to do with its conclusions regarding inflexible personal principles and the folly of escapism. Both the book and film are specifically about someone who slowly comes to terms with accepting reality rather than live in a world mediated by pop cultural fantasies whose unrealistic expectations have only caused personal suffering. It’s not unfair to characterize this as a fairly obvious epiphany, but considering we currently live in a world dominated by virtual echo chambers with an entertainment culture committed to validating arrested adolescence, it retroactively counts as “mature” and holds more weight than it otherwise should.

Near the end of High Fidelity, the book, after Rob and Laura have gotten back together in the aftermath of Laura’s father’s death, Hornby includes a chapter featuring five conversations between the couple unpacking the state of their relationship. During the third conversation, Rob and Laura fight about how she doesn’t care about music as strongly as he does, catalyzed by Rob’s objection to Laura liking both Solomon Burke and Art Garfunkel, which, in his mind, is a contradiction in terms. Laura finally admits that not only does she not really care about the difference between them, but that most people outside of his immediate circle of two don’t care about the difference, and that this mentality is indicative of a larger problem. It’s part of what keeps him stuck in his head and reluctant to commit to anything. “I’m just trying to wake you up,” she says. “I'm just trying to show you that you've lived half your life, but for all you've got to show for it you might as well be nineteen, and I'm not talking about money or property or furniture.”

I fell for High Fidelity (first the movie, then the book) as a younger man for the reasons I assume most sensitive-cum-oblivious, culturally preoccupied straight guys do: it accurately pinpoints a pattern of music consumption and organizationally anal-retentive behavior with which I’m intimately familiar. I spent the vast majority of my early years listening to and cataloguing albums, and when I arrived at college, I quickly fell in with a small group of like-minded music obsessives. We had very serious, very prolonged discussions filled with impossibly strong opinions about our favorite artists and records. Few new releases came and went without them being scrutinized by us, the unappreciated scholars of all that is righteous. List-making wasn’t in vogue, but there wasn’t a song that passed us by that we didn’t judge or size up. I was exposed to more music during this relatively short period of time than I likely will ever absorb again. Some of these times were the most engaging and fun of my life, and I still enjoy discussing and sharing music with close friends, but I’m not such a true believer to fully feel comfortable with this behavior. It’s not entirely healthy on its own and definitely alienating to others, and there comes a point when you hear yourself the way a stranger might, or maybe even catch a glimpse of someone’s eyes when you’re midst rant about some stupid album, and realize, “That’s all there is of me. There isn’t anything else.”

This is what Rob proclaims to Laura in the conversation when she tells him she was more interested in music during their courtship than she is now. It’s a patently self-pitying statement on his part that doesn’t go unchallenged by her in the moment or bear fruit in the rest of the novel. Yet, it’s this type of uncomfortably relatable sentiment that goes under-discussed. If High Fidelity will continue to have a life well after its cultural moment has passed, then it’s worth addressing what it offers on its own terms. Near the end of the book, Laura introduces Rob to another couple with whom he gets along quite well. When the evening comes to an end, she tells him to take a look at their record collection, and it’s predictably filled with artists he doesn’t care for, e.g. Billy Joel, Simply Red, Meat Loaf. “'Everybody's faith needs testing from time to time,” Laura tells him later when they’re alone. Amidst Rob’s self-loathing and sullen pettiness, Hornby argues that one should contribute in some way rather than only consume and that, at some point, it’s time to put away childish ideas in order to get the most out of life. It’s an entirely untrendy argument, one that goes against the nostalgic spirit of superhero films and reboot culture, but it doesn’t lack merit. Accepting that some values aren’t conducive to a full life, especially when it’s shared with someone else, doesn’t have to mean abandoning interests or becoming an entirely different person. It just means that letting go isn’t an admission of defeat.

It’s why I’ve always found the proposal scene in the film to be quite moving, albeit maybe not specifically romantic. It plays out similarly in both the book and the film, but the film has the added benefit of Cusack and Hjejle’s performances to amplify the vulnerability and shared understanding. Laura meets Rob for a drink in the afternoon where he sheepishly asks if she would like to get married. Laura bursts out laughing and says that he isn’t the safest bet considering he was making mixtapes for some reporter a few days prior. When asked what brought this on, Rob notes that he’s sick of thinking about love and settling down and marriage and wants to think about something else. (“I changed my mind. That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard. I do. I will,” she sarcastically replies.) He goes on to say that he’s tired of fantasizing about other women because the fantasies have nothing to do with them and everything to do with himself and that it doesn’t exist never mind delivering on its promise. “I’m tired of it,” he says, “and I’m tired of everything else for that matter, but I don’t ever seem to get tired of you.”

This sort of anti-Jerry Maguire line would be callous if Laura didn’t basically say the same thing to him when they got back together. (“I’m too tired not to be with you.”) It’s possible to read this as an act of mutual settling, but I always thought Hornby’s point was personal growth and accepting one’s situation were intertwined. The key moment in High Fidelity, the film, comes when Laura finds Rob’s list of top five dream jobs. (In the book, Laura makes Rob compile the list.) At the bottom of the list, after such standard choices like music journalist and record producer, lies architect, a job that Rob isn’t entirely sure about anyway. (“I did put it at number five!” he insists.) Laura asks Rob the obvious question: wouldn’t you rather own your own record store than hypothetically be an architect, a job you’re not particularly enthused with anyway?

It’s Laura who convinces Rob that living the fifth-best version of your life can actually be pretty satisfying and doesn’t have to be treated like a cruel fate worse than death. Similarly, Rob and Laura both make the active decision to try to work things out instead of starting over with someone else. Laura’s apathy may have reunited them, and Rob’s apathy might have kept him from running, but it’s their shared history that keeps them together. More than the music and the romance, High Fidelity follows the necessary decisions and compromises one has to maneuver in order to grow instead of regress. “I've been letting the weather and my stomach muscles and a great chord change in a Pretenders single make up my mind for me, and I want to do it for myself,” Rob says near the end of Hornby’s novel. High Fidelity’s emotional potency lies in taking that sentiment seriously.

[thinkyoureholy]

Soul Eater [15]

.

.

.

Pairing : Jung Yunho / [fem] Reader

Genre : Angst, Violence, Lamguage, Fluff, Smut, Character Death, Demon! AU

Words : 4.4k

Previous Part. - Next Part.

[warning :mentions of domestic abuse ahead!]

≫ ──── ≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫ ──── ≪

-Y/N’s P.O.V-

I pounded on the bars of the cage as hard as I could but they wouldn’t budge, they hardly even rattled. I let out a cry of frustration, sinking to the ground. I bit down on my bottom lip harshly, drawing blood.

“Wrath! You bastard! You’ll pay for this I swear it!” I shouted at the top of my lungs.

It was pitch black all around me, not a single ray of light anywhere to be seen. I hugged my knees to my chest, burying my face into my knees as I tried to keep my mind busy. I knew what this would lead to and it scared me more than anything. Everything that had been going on had distracted me from my thoughts, the memories I was trying to run from but now--now I can hear them crawling their way out. I shook my head to rid myself of them, clasping my hands over my ears to block out his voice but it was no use.

~

“Y/N...what are you doing? Didn’t you hear me ask you to bring me a mug of ale?” He asked.

I jumped at the sound of his voice muttering an apology under my breath, bringing the ale over to him. I went to leave but before I could he had reached out and grabbed me, his fingers weaving through my hair. He gave a hard tug, pulling at my hair from the roots. A whimper fell from my lips, my vision blurring as tears filled my eyes but I willed them not to fall. He pulled once more, a cry leaving my mouth this time. 

He drew me closer to him, his lips inches from mine, “Don’t ever make me repeat myself again, do you understand?”

I nodded but that only made him pull harder, the pain almost unbearable but it was nothing compared to what he could really do.

“Speak.”

“Yes. I’m--I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” I answered, my voice trembling.

“You better hope it doesn’t...for your sake.” He hissed before letting me go.

……

He chuckled darkly as I held the poker that we used to tend to the fire in between us. I was unsteady in my hold, my entire body shaking but I refused to back down. He had come home drunk from the local tavern and when I had asked him why he was gone for so long he snapped at me. His drunken self was worse than his sober self and that’s saying something. I couldn’t quite figure out why but he seemed to be stronger when he was drunk so his hand was much much heavier when he was intoxicated. I usually just silently take it because if I resist it’s just so much worse but tonight I couldn’t. If I let him go on any longer then he’d break me for sure. I had grabbed the poker on instinct but not that I had it in my hands I didn’t know what to do.

“Y/N...come on now...put that down. You don’t want to hurt yourself now do you?” He spoke in a sickening sweet voice but I knew it was all just an act.

I shook my head, holding on to the poker tightly, “Stay back…”

“Y/N. Put that down.” He said, no, ordered as he took a step forward.

“No! Don’t--Don’t come any closer!” I yelled, my voice steadier than I expected.

He stood back without saying a word, simply studying me but the look in his eyes told me he was anything but pleased, “You don’t know the kind of grave you just dug yourself do you?”

I didn’t bother giving him a response, my eyes wide with terror when he suddenly reached out and yanked the poker out of my hands. I immediately tried to make some distance between the two of us but I had my back to the wall with nowhere to run.

Help...please. Anybody...save me!

-3rd Person P.O.V-

Wrath hesitated the second he felt something was wrong. He gave a flap of his wings, distancing himself from Lucifer. He stood at the far end of the room, his eyes darting all over the place as he tried to figure out what was wrong. He staggered back, gasping for breath. He brought a hand up and clenched the fabric that lay over his chest, the pain he was feeling in his heart different to anything else he had ever felt. He grit his teeth, already knowing what was happening was Y/N’s doing.

“What the hell are you doing in there!?” He hissed through his teeth, keeping an eye on Lucifer.

He went to take another stand against him but the second he moved the feeling was back, worse than before. He felt like he couldn’t breath, his heart constricting in his chest. And that’s when he finally placed the feeling, its fear. But it was fear like he had never known before, this--this was pure unadulterated terror he was feeling and he knew exactly what was causing it.

“Y/N? Y/N...listen to me. You gotta calm down. Whatever is going on in there you gotta stay calm. He can’t hurt you anymore. He’s been dead for centuries. The man you’re seeing isn’t Sebastian, it's nothing more than a memory. He isn’t real.” Wrath spoke in a hushed voice, hoping his words got through to her.

He had been so focused on his fight with Lucifer he hadn’t been paying attention to what was going on inside until Y/N was crying out in pain...and fear. Just like Y/N was able to see Wrath’s memories he was able to see hers and hers...were much worse than anything he could’ve ever imagined. Sebastain, her husband, was a sick bastard that got a kick out of tormenting her every single day that she was married to him. Back then women didn’t really have a choice in who they married, people didn’t marry out of love, they married for power and Y/N’s family had basically sold her off to that monster for it. No wonder she forced herself to forget but even after trying so hard and all these years that have passed no one would ever be able to forget that kind of trauma.

Wrath exhaled slowly and reached into the deep recesses of their shared mind space where he had put her to keep her from interfering. Slowly, as if not to scare her he brushed his fingertips over the backs of her hands. She flinched back from his touch but that did nothing to deter him. He gently removed her hands from the sides of her head before he cradled her face in his hands. She was shaking in his hold, not daring to open her eyes but he needed her to look at him. 

“Y/N...open your eyes. It’s me...your buddy Wrath.” He spoke in a soft tone, chuckling at his choice of words for a moment before turning serious once more, “I won’t hurt you.”

And that’s when she finally opened her eyes. Wrath’s breath caught in his throat the second he saw the look in her eyes, the look tugging at his heartstrings. He sighed softly before placing his hands on her shoulders and in the next instant he brought her into his embrace. She clung to him like a child clinging to their mother after losing sight of her in a crowd. She buried her face in his chest, her sobs muffled as he patted the back of her head gently, trying to comfort her. 

“He can’t hurt you anymore, he’s long dead.”

She shook her head furiously, “You’re wrong. He lives on, in my mind. He haunts my every waking moment. He is the darkness I have never been able to escape.”

He shook his own head at that, pulling back to cup her face in his hands once more, “But you have a marvelous light to guide you now. You have Yunho to illuminate your life.” 

At the mere mention of his name her eyes brightened for just a moment but it was gone as quickly as it came, “No. I-I don’t deserve him.”

Wrath shook his head again, only more vigorously now, “You, more than deserve him. You, more than anyone deserves to be happy. You, who was cursed from the moment you were born. You, who had the misfortune of being my reincarnation. You, who has suffered through so much in your human life and suffered ten times more as a demon deserves to love. You need to hold on to that love you have for him, it might just be the only thing you have left.”

“But I’m no good for him.”

“But he is good for you. He makes you a better person. He lets you express yourself freely. He is what makes you human. He has done to you what Artemis did, no, has done for me.” He paused, swallowing the lump that has formed in his throat, “They are the anchors we need to keep us grounded and level-headed when our wicked instincts try and control us.”

Meanwhile on the outside, Wrath was still locked in a fight with Lucifer. Though his mind was with Y/N Wrath still fought with all his might and even if he wasn’t one hundred percent focused on the fight he was still winning. And the other sins were bearing witness to it all. 

“So it’s true. He’s weaker than Wrath and—and he always has been.” Envy let out in a whisper, stumbling over her own feet at the realization. 

Lucifer overhead her, angered by her words. He growled loudly, grabbing onto Wrath’s arm and throwing  him into the nearest pillar. The pillar collapsed, Wrath buried underneath it. In the next millisecond Lucifer had flown across the room and wrapped his hand around Envy’s throat. Sloth went to make a move but Lust reached out to grab his arm. 

“Wait.” He warned in a low voice. 

“He’ll kill her.” Sloth growled, about to prying Lust’s hand off of him but Lust just dug his claws into Sloth’s arm. 

“No he won’t get to. We stand no chance against him but they do.” Lust urged, drawing his gaze over to where the rubble and debris that had fallen over Wrath was moving. 

“Watch your tongue, Envy. I never really cared for you so killing you will be easy for me.” Lucifer growled out, sinking his claws into her neck. 

She clawed at his arm, trying to get him to let go but he only tightened his hold. Sloth was close to bursting but Lust held him back, glancing over at Wrath emerging from the pile of debris he was buried under but something about him seemed different. The body, Y/N’s body had changed, more so than it already had before. The hair that had been tied back now flowed freely past her shoulders, her hair color now a dark mahogany color, the red strands catching the light. Her eyes seemed to be a deeper red than before, they glowed more intimidating than ever. And her horns, they were bigger than hers but a bit smaller than Wrath's, the size now perfect, somehow signaling the balance they had found. The others only got to marvel at the change for a split second before they, no, she moved, faster than their eyes could follow. They didn’t know for sure but something told them that she was in full control. Y/N had fully absorbed Wrath into her. What they didn’t know is that in that short time they were buried under the debris of the pillar Wrath seceded to Y/N and let her kill Lucifer on her own and do what she thought was best after word, giving her all his strength.

-Y/N’s P.O.V-

I thrust a clawed hand forward, piercing Lucifer’s body through his back. A guttural grunt fell from his lips, his hold on Envy gone as she crumbled to the ground, Sloth immediately running to her side. I raised Lucifer up before throwing him across the room, skidding across the ground before the wall stopped him from moving, the cement one more hit from falling apart completely.

I hovered over the three that stared at me with wide eyes. As they looked at me I saw something that I had never seen before in their eyes, fear. I’ve seen resentment, contempt, and jealousy in their eyes before but never fear. The way they changed in an instant made a smirk play at my lips. Without thinking I reached out a clawed hand towards Lust but I never reached him. My hands was suspended in the air, a hand I recognized stopped me from going any further. I followed the arm the hand was connected to to find Pride at the end of it.

Her violet eyes glowed dangerously bright, a threatening snarl falling front her lips as she bared her teeth, “Touch him and you lose an arm.”

I raised a brow quizzically, my eyes darting from her to Lust who stared at her as much in shock as I was, that is until I figured out why she said that, “Ah...I see what’s going on here. Personally, I think you can do better than her.”

Her frowned at my words, a low growl emanating from deep within his throat, “Watch that tongue of yours before I cut it out of your mouth.”

I chuckled at his threat, knowing I could kill him before he even moved. With a look so cocky it’d piss off anyone that saw it I reached out to wrap my free hand around Pride’s neck, extending out a wing to stop Lust from moving any further. Sloth and Envy stood where they were but I  could tell that they were on edge too. They were all here...and when I say all I meant all but Greed but he was of use to no one in the condition he was in. Without even bothering to give her a glance I extended my other wing, curling the appendage around Gluttony in a vice grip as she tried to sneak up on me. 

“Wrath said he’d let you live if you didn’t defy him but let me tell you something about my dear friend...he lied.” I said, my grip tightening around bother Gluttony and Pride. Their groans mingled together as they struggled in my hold but I didn’t ease up, “I know Pride here chose to leave daddy dearest’s side but you all know I could never stand her. And I’ll never forgive her for the stunt she pulled with Yunho. I could kill you all with a simple snap of my wrist and I really want to. You have five seconds to change my mind before I start with our lovely Pride and Gluttony here.”

One.

Gluttony let out a cry, the sound of bones cracking reaching our ears. 

Two.

Pride gasped for breath, both hands now clawing at my arm.

Three.

Gluttony cried out in pain, a wet cough falling from her lips, pieces of her broken ribs piercing her lungs.

Four.

Pride’s hands fell limply to her sides, her strength leaving her as her face was turning blue at the lack of oxygen. Just as I was about to physically break the two I had in my hold Lust spoke.

“W-Wait!” 

My grip on the two loosened, the two gasping loudly the moment I did. I waited for Lust to continue, tilting my head to the side as curiosity filled me.

“Let--Let them go. I’ll take their place.” He said, his voice trembling as he spoke, his eyes glued to Pride for a good second before quickly glancing at Gluttony.

I couldn’t help but laugh at his words, “Take their place? You must not have understood me. You are all going to die either way. I told you to convince me, not try to be a hero. I’ll give you another chance but don’t squander it this time,” I squeezed the two in my hands once more, cries of pain leaving their lips.

“Fine! Fine. We’ll disappear. We won’t ever show up in front of you. We’ll hide, blend in with the humans if we have to but I promise you you’ll never see us ever again.” Lust said in a rushed tone, his hands out in front of him as if to stop me from doing anything rash.

“You promise? A promise from a sin means nothing and you know it.”

Without even giving it a second thought he slipped a necklace over his head, showing it to me, “We’ll give you these.”

“Lust...n-no…”

I looked at the necklace curiously, sticking out my hand so he could place it in my palm. These necklaces...so they're real? I’d only heard stories about them, but it made sense since I also had one. Each sin was said to have a pendant of their representative animal on a necklace hanging around their necks. No one thought they even existed since no has been able to get that close to a sin to even see it. These necklaces are said to be like a lifeline to the sins. One can’t kill them with the necklace per say…

But if I did this…? I asked myself as I closed my hand around the scorpion, squeezing it tightly.

The instant I did he collapsed, a howl so full of pain that it even sent a shiver down my spine fell from his lips. At the sound of his cries Pride started struggling again. I clicked my tongue before throwing her to the ground next to Lust. I let Gluttony down gently by Envy and Sloth who had been quiet this entire time. Having the necklaces will be good collateral for keeping them in line. My eyes scanned over the five of them, putting out my hand so they could give me their necklaces. Envy and Sloth gave me theirs without much of a fight, Envy helping Gluttony take hers off and handed it to me. I crouched down in front of Pride, waiting for her.

“I’ll kill you for this.” She growled as she placed the necklace in my hand.

I smirked at her words, plucking the scorpion out of the pile and holding it up for her to see, “I don’t think so. I know your weakness now. If I even so much as sense your presence he’ll be the one that suffers for it. Oh...and don’t even think about going after Yunho again. If you even try it I’ll torture you like you’ve never been tortured before...and then I’ll kill you.”

“Now get out of my sight, all of you.” I ordered, my eyes glowing as I glanced over all of them.

And with that they were gone. I looked down at the pendants in my hand for a moment before slipping the necklaces over my head. The necklaces felt heavy against my skin, the animals joining my wolf.

“I’m impressed. They don’t even fear me that much.”

I whipped around at the sound of his voice. Lucifer stood at the far end of the room, blood staining trickling down a cut on his cheek but he grinned through it. I took a step towards him to end this but I froze. No...no no no. This--this can’t be happening. How? When--when did he-

“Yunho…”

“Y/N?” He questioned, his eyes searching mine to see if it was really me.

That’s right...I look different now. This was my true form. After Wrath let me absorb him our features merged until they found a perfect balance. I shook those thoughts from my head, focusing on what was in front of me. Lucifer held Yunho by the arm, his claws ready to dig into his skin if I moved.

“Why? Why are you here!? Yunho, what the fuck are you doing here!?” I shouted, the emotions I was feeling coming out in my voice.

He flinched at my words but said nothing. Wait...I’ve seen this before but where? My knees buckled, staggering as the memory replayed in my mind. It's happening again, he’s pulling the same shit again! But if that’s true then- I whirled around, a gasp falling from my lips. I furrowed my brow at the pain that blossomed from my abdomen. Greed stood before me, almost fully healed now, glaring at me with nothing but hate in his eyes. I could hear Yunho yelling out for me but I blocked out his cries. I grit my teeth, grimacing as I tasted blood on my tongue but feeling it trickle down my chin.

“You didn’t really think you’d win in the end did you?” He asked in a low voice, a smirk playing on his lips.

I let out a wet cough, bringing my hands up to grab at his arm, digging my claws into his skin. He looked surprised at my strength, the smirk immediately disappearing from his face. I set my jaw as I pulled his hand out from out of my body, my blood dripping off of his hand onto the floor. He opened his mouth to speak but he didn’t get a word out before I killed him. I had extended my wings out behind me, bringing the wings to a point at the end, the soft feathers now as sharp as daggers. I plunged them into his back, pulling one up and the other down, cutting him up in an instant.

“I didn’t think I’d win...I knew I’d win.” I spat out, giving his body that was now in pieces on the ground one last look before turning around to face Lucifer.

The injury Greed had given me healed in seconds, the gaping hole in my stomach now gone. I took a step toward Lucifer, something flashing in his eyes for a moment before he shook it away. I could feel the aura I was emitting, my rage palpable. 

“You made a huge mistake bringing him here.” I growled, baring my teeth at Lucifer who just stood there without saying a word, “I’ll show you the true meaning of wrath before I finish you off once and for all, we’ve stalled this for far too long.”

Lucifer grit his teeth and shoved Yunho aside, morphing into the monster he truly was. He gave a flap of his wings, launching himself at me. Just as he was about to reach me I spared a glance at Yunho, giving him a soft smile, silently reassuring him that I’d get him out of here. Even if I somehow can’t beat Lucifer I’d get Yunho out of here. I didn’t need to be with him to teleport him out of here, all I needed was to focus and he’d go to wherever I wanted him to. But that was something I was keeping as a last resort, right now I had to focus on the task at hand. As long as Yunho stayed out of the way he’d be safe.

I cleared my mind of all thoughts as I focused my full attention at Lucifer, quickly stepping to the side to avoid him. He didn’t just fly by, instead he swung at me with his wing, throwing me across the room. Just as I was about to crash into something I gave a few flaps of my wings, halting my forward progress as I hovered in place. I was relatively unscathed by the attack, no even so much as a scratch on me. He seemed furious as he charged at me again. He swing forward, intent on landing a blow to my face but I blocked his fist with my arm, I shover him aside before swinging my own arm, landing a blow. The force behind the punch sent him to the floor, the tiles breaking as he sunk in. He let out a low growl, slamming a fist into the floor before he launched himself back up into the sky. I met him halfway, the two of us clashing. I chuckled as I realized how well I was doing in keeping up and I wasn’t just keeping up, I was winning. I was landing more punches, my claws taking chunks out of him faster than he could heal. I grinned like a maniac the longer we fought, my animal instincts taking control of my every move. 

I can’t tell you how long this was going on for but I can tell you that I’ve never felt more powerful than I ever have. I could feel my rage, my wrath was beginning to consume me but I didn’t care, if it helped me beat this monster then so be it. I’d turn into the most horrific and terrifying monster on earth, heaven, and hell if it let me get rid of him and with how things were going I was so close. I was so fucking close but something stopped me, a voice reached out to me just before I was completely consumed,

I froze mid-action, coming back to the world. I furrowed my brow as I looked up in search of the voice, seeing Yunho at the far end of the room, pure terror in his eyes. I was confused as I looked around, finally noticing the blood that ran down both of my hands and arms. I was soaked from head to toe in blood but none of it was mine, it was Lucifer’s. I looked down to see him lying underneath me in his usual human like form. He was missing an arm and a wing, the other wing bent at an unnatural angle. He had fresh claw marks on his face, his left eye completely gouged out. My jaw fell open at the sight as I staggered away from Lucifer, staring at my blood soaked hands.

“Y/N stop...please. You don’t need to do anymore...he stopped moving a long time ago.” Yunho said, his voice shaking as he walked over to me slowly.

The moment he reached me he sank to his knees, cupping my face gently in his hands, “It’s done...let’s--let’s go home.”

I nodded slowly, still a bit out of it. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing made it out. My eyes widened in horror at the sight, tears blurring my vision when he fell forward, slumped against me. I looked past him to see Lucifer standing there, Yunho’s blood coating his hand. I brought a trembling hand up to Yunho’s back only to have fresh blood coat my fingers.

No...No... 

“NO!”

.

.

.

Tags : @chanyeolol​ @choisofty​ @boredmay21​ @j-oneracha​ @elenaramos1​

[calliecat93]

Top 15 Star Trek TOS Episodes (Part One)

I debated on doing this until I did the second watchthrough/reviews... but heck with it. I don’t see it changing too terribly much after and I thought it would be fun. It’s been a fun ride with TOS and I didn’t expect to love it, but here we are. It ain’t a perfect show, but a good one with good characters, strong themes, and just the right amount of intrigue and silliness. I had a blast watching it, but let’s face it, some episodes are better than others. Some are goofy but enjoyable, some... well, they tried. Everyone’s got what they like and dislike, and these are the ones that I liked best. All is only my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt. So to finally cap off this watchthrough before I start the second one and also plunge into TNG, here is the first half of my favorite TOS episodes~

#15. Bread and Circuses

I didn’t realize this until I saw someone else point it out... but this is essentially Star Trek’s version of The Hunger Games, only combined with Roman gladiators. We have our main trio get captured by the government whom have already caused another Starfleet captain to succumb and he sentenced his entire crew to death. Thus we have Kirkg ivent he option of either doing the same, or he can remain in defiance and risk Spock and McCoy’s lives. Either way, he loses. It’s a good episode, showing Kirk given one of the most sadistic choices that you can give him... and yet he doesn’t break. Oh he gets plenty of hardship. He makes the choice to keep the crew form beaming down, which morally is te best decision. After all, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Kirk, unlike Captain Merik, chooses to preserve his cew’s safety as a captain should. Whatever happens to him makes no difference... but because Spock and McCoy are with him, him making that chocie means that they suffer theconsequences as they are not only thrust into gladitorial combat for their lives, bt Kirk is forced to watch and can do nothing. He tries to when Bones is down, but restrained form doing so. But even then he doesn’t back down or even consider it. Merik may have thrown away his whole crew, but like Hell Kirk is going to and concerning the other two, he accepts execution after Spock breaks the rules to save Bones, emphasizing the point more. It;s a really god episode to show just how much Kirk truly follows that responsibility.

We also have some great Spock/McCoy content here as the episode does put their relationship int he spotlight a bit. Their relationship is the most interesting to me so this was a great one. They bicker pretty much all episode with even the other guy they got caught with asking if they’re enemies, which Kirk just replies that even those tow don’t know. But I think if there’s any doubt that they don’t care about each other, this one promptly shuts it up. Spock, despite knowing that he can’t, defends McCoy and saves his life. This leads tot he excellent scene int he cells where Spock is trying to figure a way out, despite fully well knowing that he can’t break through the bars. Logically it would be pointless to continue fruitless efforts, but he tries to anyways. When McCoy tries to thank him for saving him, with Spock both hiding behind his usual logical shell while still focusing on the futile escape effort. Thus we get McCoy confronting him about being afraid of living and not knowing how to handle even one warm feeling. It’s a really good scene performed excellently by Leonard Nimoy and DeForest Kelley and is just a really good insight into their relationship. I’ll keep from going into any huge detail for if that review project makes it this far, but still an excellently performed scene, especially when it caps off with McCoy simply saying that he’s worried about Jim too, the one thing that the two CAN agree on without doubt.

This is at fifteen mainly because of a few small factors. I only know a few things about Roman history so anything about it went over my head and the ending also baffled me likely due to that. We also have it implied that Kirk did... it with a slave girl. Mind you the slave girl went to him and again it’s implied. But that still makes me feel... very uncomfortable once the girl did it under orders, and therefore not fully without consent. I’m gonna have to watch it again when I dot he more in-depth analysis, but... yeah. The ending also leaves without a real resolution to the planet, remaining as they are until they eventually fall just like the actual Rome did. I guess that was the intention, but... just kinda sucks that nothing truly got accomplished. Still from a character standpoint, it was a really good one for the Triumvirate and a great watch.

#14. For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky

So for those who have been following me since I began this venture, you know that McCoy is my absolute favorite character. So when we got to a McCoy-centric episode, I was excited! And overall, it was a good one. Not one of the best, but perfectly fine. We have McCoy diagnosed with a terminal illness and given a year to live. When he and the other two transport onto a meteor-esque spaceship, they encounter the priestess Natira and her people headed for essentially a promised land witht he ship controleld by The Oracle. As Kirk and Spock try to learn more, McCoy is left with Natira who has grown smittenw ith hima dn wishes for him to remain as her mate. Sadly, I feel like this pisode wasted a lot of potential. Bones, the Chief Medical Officer who is always taking care of everyone else, is now the sick one and has only a eya rleft, if event hat. But the only real signs of this is he’s a little weaker than normal, which tbf it was just diagnoses so he may not have the most severe symptoms bu it also kidna makes the fact feel... less urgent. Using that time to set up himw ith Natira also felt wasted since we have the potential of a very emotional story where McCoy sis truggling with his lfie and the others have to come to terms that e’s going to die and likely struggle to find some way, any way to save him... and we spend it with a Girl of the Week who we’ll never see again and on a romance that while it is kinda sweet, ultimately leaves zero impact. It just feels like there was so much wasted potential and the emotional weight that you DO get... it feels less strong if you don’t know McCoy’s history. We know it now cause of supplementary material and such, butt he audiece of the 60’s certainly didn’t, hence why this is fourteen on the list.

That being said, the episode is still good. What makes up for the lack of impact about McCoy’s status and lack of history is DeForest Kelley. The man put his all into this episode (he did in every episode, but especially here when he gets ot be center stage), expressing McCoy’s sadness and loneliness as he talks to Natira perfectly. You can feel that loneliness, that longingness for what Natira’s offering him, that need to just have... some kind of happiness and intimacy that he was just never able to truly have, especially now. He just feels so... sad and vulnerable. Even though we’ve seen him interact romantically with women before, he comes off as so nervous and uncertain about what he’s doing. Like it’s been so long since he’s been intimate with anyone that he is at an utter loss on what to do with it. Natira essentially takes the lead and is even perfectly fine with caring for him in the limited time that he has left. There is someone willing to be with him and to love him for the first time in who knows how long and willing to continue to do so despite him dying... is it any shock that he chose to remain? And even then he did so in part to save Kirka and Spock from death when they got caught... and even then when he found out how to get the ship on it’s actual course and out oft he way of danger, he called them immediately for help. Yeah he almost got his brain fried for it which tbf he didn’t know would happen, but it still shows how selfless he really is, still placing others well-being before his own. As a good doctor would and should.

We also have Kirk and Spock’s reactions to the news. Kirk only knows because Chapel pretty much forced Bones to tell him and the man looks like a kicked puppy when told. He even tells Bones that he doesn’t have to go on the mission with them when normally he’s all gung-ho about dragging him along, only allowing it because this time Bones actually wants to go. Spock finds out after they all get zapped with Bones taking longer to wake up/being briefly unrsponsive, where Kirk admits it to him. Spock is noticibly concerned, emphasized when he holds onto McCoy’s arm for a good 30 seconds just to help the man sit up. McCoy can already tell that he knows before Kirk say it...a dn chooses to just let it be and get back to the matter at hand. Then there’s McCoy after he made his decision and faces the two for as far as he knew the final time. Kirk argues with him and is all but begging him to come back since otherwise he’s gonna die, which McCoy refuses since...well, he’s gonna either die from collision or being shot down, or he dies of xenopolycythemia. Either way he’s on borrowed time, so why not at least let him live it hacving a shot at happiness? Kirk is upset. Spock is as upset as a Vulcan will express. McCoy’s not happy about it, but firm in his decision... so firm it kinda makes the end where he does decide to go back kind of a juxtaposition, but I ain’t complaining either. The cure is also too convenient, but again not complaining. It doens’t seem like that much of an episode at first glance, but once you sit down and reallye xamine it even if you know nothign about McCoy’s backstory or peornsal life, it relaly leaves an impact. Again, a testemant to Kelley’ performance. As such even wit it’s issues and waste of potential, I adore it~!

#13. Obsession

I don’t see this one talked about much, but I found this one... well I hate to say the word but fascinating. What can I say? I’m a sucker for character studies, and BOY do we have a good one with Kirk here. In this episode we have a mysterious gas creature thing killing the crew and eventually get into The Enteprrise. Kirk reacts badly to it. Why? Well his crew dying of course, but the big reason is because he’s dealt with this creature before when he was a lieutenant where due to hesitaitng for a brief moment, mass casualties including his commanding officer were killed. So now with this creature’s pesence, Kirk is ont he hunt to take it down once and for all. But as the title indicates, he’s leaning towards becoming obsessed with it. We se Kirk acitng more angry and reckless than usual, especially when he continues to choose this over getting out of the space to diver some vaccines whent heya re desperately needed... yeah we’ll try to ignore how uncomfortable that is int he current times for now. The on of his former CO is also part of the Enterprise crew, and Kirk is spreading that obsession onto him, even punishing him for hesitating as he had when you’d expect him to be more sympathetic. It’s an episode that really unsettles you because Kirk isn’t acting like Kirk. Even in Consciousness of the King when dealing with the man who... you know, caused a genocide that Kirk was a victim of, he mostly held it together.

It’s these kinds of episodes that always fascinate me. What happens when we put this character into a situaitont hat completeley unnerves them? How would they react? How would it affect their usually rational actions? What would drive them to behave in such a way? How do those around them react? Kirk is very much dealing with a trauma and while eh is able to convince Spock and McCoy that e IS sound of mind and fit for duty, it doesn’t change that he’s allowing the trauma and guilt to morph into a dangeorus obsessiont hat is risking numerous lives. Not to mention afecting a young man who is in a similar position to him and also lost a loved one, yet the one that you’d expect to have Kirk’s sympahty is the one he’s treaitng harshly because of what he himself went through. Yes Kirk realizes it at the end and both corrects his mistakes and takes outt he monster, and it was good to see that he was able to pull himself back. But it was still just so interesitng to explore Kirk in this kind of position.

Spock and McCoy were also on point with both knowing that Jim isn’t acting right and ultimateley confornting him. The whole scene where McCoy gives Kirk essentially apsycological analysis, bringing Spock in once Kirk gets partiulalry heated, and them both laying down the line and holding firm until Kirk properly assures themt hat he is fit for duty was such a great scene. So was Spock actually seekign Bones as he knows that he can better understand Kirk’s emotional issues and him trying to comfort Garrovic was nice... it failed but he was stillt rying to do the right thing when Jim couldn’t. It’just one of those episodes that a character analyist like me eats up. As far as flaws go, notign comes to mind, but that might change on rewatch. I had just had others I liked better that placed it here, but it was very much an episode that got my attention.

#12. Operation: Annihilate

I still remember the suspense that this episode had me in. So we have the crew arrive at a colony that is uner attack by these parasites that are infecting thema nd leading them to painful deaths. Its already bad when Kirk finds his brother dead and his sister-in-law dies in utter agony, leaivng his young nephew’s fate uncertain. But it gets worse when Spockg ets infected and while he does his best, he’s having a difficult time managing the pain. It shows too in not only the scene where he pretty much goes balistic, but every scene after where he’s moslty under control, you can see the pain in his body lamnguage, tone, and eyes. Nimoy did an excelelnt job at keeping up that usual Spock demeanor, but converyign everything through body language alone. The team has to work to find a way to get rid of these parasites before it kills anyone else and exterminate them fromt he colony.

IMO, this was when iot felt like the writers realized what they had with the Triumvarite. At that point it was mainly abotu Kirka dn Spock and hwile Bones got it better than a few of the others, he still didn’t feel... quite there yet. I mean Kelley wans’t evne including int he opening credits until the next season. Here though we have all three with something major going on that’s important. Kirk is trying to figure out how to deal witht he situaiton which has cost him two fmaily members and may cost him his kid nephew. Spock is n pain due tot he parasite but still trying to perform his duties,e ven beaming down to get one of the parasites sicne as he’s already infected, he’s not at risk. McCoy is tryign to figure out how to get rid of the things and is the one having to keep both Spock and Peter alive. These all intersect together and the three just have this great chemistry. Their dynamic isvery mucht he thignt hat I loved most whenw atching the series, and this is when it felt like it clicked into place. The climax isalso heart-breaking. They figure out that bright lightcan kill the parasites, but McCoy is worried about what that intensity can do to Spock. He’s reluctant, but both Kirk and Spock push him to do it and while it’s successful in killing the parasite, it elaves Spock blind. Then Bones finds out that he didn’t need to turn it up that high and would have know had he just waited a few moments. While Spcok accepts it as a necessary loss, Kirk can barley hold back his fury... thoguh I DON’T like how the blame all get put on Boens when Kirk made him do it. Evenw hen Kirk tells Bones later that it wasn’t his fault, just by Bones’ face you can tell that he fully blmes himself.

That does bringmy big criticism though that lande dit at twelve. The ending is... nto good. I mean yay the succeed, but it felt like this was meant to be a two-parter, they couldn’t get the seocnd part, and had to make a hasty resolution to clear up the plot quickly. Not only is Peter’s face never mentioned or do we see Kirk’s reactionw hether good or bad, but Spock... is fine. He had a second eyelid that NEVER comes up again and he had just forgottena bout it. I now that TOS wans’t a serialized show but it not only felt like a waste of some potential story and character development for all three of our boys, but like haivng Spock blindd at all and sending McCoy down that guilt trip was utterly unecessary to begin with because it all happened int he last five minutes. I’mg lad that Spock was okay, and the end where Bones asks Kirk to not tell Spockw hat he said about him being the best First Offficer int he fleet, which Spock ehars and thanks him for half-enuinely, half-jokignly, again it feels like it was unecessary with how lat eit happened and how little impact it ultimateley had. Because of that, it landed here. But it’s still an enjoyable episode that again, felt like when the Triumvirate truly clicked into place and gave us even more good material after,

#11. The Naked Time

When I got to this episode, I had to remember how I quit as a teenager right before this and proceeded to yell ‘why didn’t you just go ONE more episode you idiot?!” to my past self. I really enjoyed this episode mainly for the concept. A virus that erases one inhibitions and self-control. Some of them are wa ky like Sulu with the fencing sword, which was also the most entertaining part of the episode. But it’s still interesting as we see these characters just give into whatever they’re desiring without any sort of thought and it erupts into chaos. It WAS a tad uncomfortable cause... you know, we’re watching a spreading virus that came about cause someone failed to follow proper safety guidelines while we’re living in a pandemic. But that’s not the episode’s fault.

It especially got interesting when Spock got it. This is the fourth episodes aired (I think it’s later in production order but I watched the order Netflix gave me) but even then we saw that Spock was a logical, very in-control character. We din’t know all the details anout him yet or that much about Vulcans, but we’d seen enough to get the general gist of the character. Then due to the cirus, those mental barriers begin to crumble rapidly. The scene where he is alone, trying to force himself to gain control of his emotions and ultimately failing as he breaks down... damn that was an excellent scene. Apparently it was thought of on the spot by Leonard Nimoy and he only had time for one take. Boy did he nail it. That was the moment I became invested in Spock as a character and in his and Kirk’s relationship as Kirk tries to snap him out of it, even risking getting infected himself because he needs Spock.  I think that there are episodes that I enjoy more and the weird time travel ending made the ending really weird. Hence why this just barely missed the Top 10. But back when the show mainly gripped me for it’s science fiction concepts, this was a really good episode. It was the first one I went and watched twice before moving to the next one. I’m just so interested in the idea of losing your self-control and how you and others around you deal with it. Maybe it’s the analyst in me talking, but damn those mental concepts always get to me! A fun watch that was essentially the episode that convinced me that yes, this show is good and this time I wasn’t backing out.

#10. Mirror, Mirror

Top 10 now! Here we go! So.. mirror alternate reality. We’ve seen this a billion times in just about every media ever. IDK how common it was when Star Trek did it, but I always love this kind of concept snd seeing how a character would act if things had gone even slightly different. The Mirror Verse is admittedly a little too cartoonishly evil, but does come across as a fascist dictatorship, so I can’t really complain. Anyways, Kirk, McCoy, Scotty, and Uhura and up there and now have to figure out how to get home without anyone catching on that they’re not their counterparts. One thing I love is that it gives Scotty and Uhura some much needed focus and they are both awesome with Scotty being his usual miracle worker self and Uhura kicking ass as she gets info and outright threatens Sulu when he tries to come on to her. God I love that woman~

The Mirror Crew are essentially one-dimensional monsters with the exception or Mirror Spock. He’s still the logical being that we know him as, but much colder and ruthless as well. Yet he still is the closest to matching his usual self and has at least some level of decency compared to everyone else. It’s probably why Kirk was so convinced that he could cause a turn around at the end. He’s not good, but he’s still more good than anyone else on that ship. Yeah the guy who forcibly mind melded McCoy without consent (and how much we judge that I’ve seen varied but I consider it a horrible invasion of privacy that they shouldn’t have brushed off) is still FAR better than anyone else if that indicates how bad this universe is. Seeing his and Kirk’s interactions was super interesitng as clealry Mirror Spock caught on quickly that something was up, but chose to prolong it until near the end. It’s interesitng to observe. I also just love seeing our four heroes handling the situation. They all act effectivlynd manage to keep up the masqurade very well with only Spock and Marlena figuring it out. It’s one of the more diverse ensembles and I wish they had done more diverse dynamics than here, but it was great to see.

I think my only issues aside form McCoy’s potential trauma being glossed over (though I do love how he insisted on saving Mirror Spock and risk not making it home cause damn it, he’s a doctor no matter what) is how we don’t get to see the four’s mirror selves aside form once, where only Kirk gets a characterization as a cartoonishly violent brute. We hear a few things about them like Mirror McCoy’s sickbay essentially being a torture zone, but that’s it. I guess it was due to only having an hour, but I wish we had gotten to see how Spock’s end of things and how he interacts with them aside form Kirk, which that didn’t amount to much anyways. Ah well, fanon has covered both of these pretty extensively from what I can tell, so I shall settle on that. Still it was an enjoyable episode. I’ve seen better Evil Universe stories (nothing’s gonna beat the Justice Lords from Justice League for me tbf), but still a good one with a good ensemble, good character moments, and a unique threatening situation for our heroes to navigate through.

#9. Amok Time

AKA, the episode that more or less created the Slash Genre as we know it. But we’ll touch ont hat later. For now, one thing that I was really hoping for when I got to Season 2 was learning more about Vulcans and their culture. We knew a few things by then, like certain physiological differences between Vulcans and Humans and of course their logical philosophy. But S2 explored them and their culture more, and this was a big one. Spock is acting uncharacteristically agressive and refuses to explain why. Eventually he reveals that he is undergoign Pon Farr, aka going into heat. Unless he goes to Vulcan and does... ugh... mating and soon, he will die. IDK how they got away with this on a 60’s show, but I ain’t complaining. It does that exploration into Vulcans that I was hoping for. Hell we grt to finally see Vulcan... well a section of it but we still got to see it for the first time! It was interesitng to learn about Pon Farr and the rituals that go into it like how maitng works (weird that the logical Vulcan species has arranged marriages, but whatever) and seeing more Vulcans outside of Spock. It’s the kind of world building that does my heart good~

It had a lot of really good moments. Spock explaining everything to Kirk while trying to keep himself from killing him. Chekov being uttelry done with everything as they keephanging course to and from. Ulcan. Spock inviting not only Kirk to the ‘wedding’, but also McCoy, showing that despite their arguments he undoubtedly considers him a close friend. Hell McCoy imo is the true hero of the episode for being the one to catch that something was worng with Spock and his in-genius plan to fake Kirk’s death to keep his two idiot best friends from killing each other without pissing off any Vulcans. Seriosuly, the man needs all the appreciation in existence. And of course, we have the kal-if-fee where T’Pring (great antagonist BTW, will explore her when ai do an a tual review) forces Kirk against Spock. What ensued, while I fully believ eunintentional, forever generated a whole wave of slash and outright invented the term. While I’m not even close to as into Spirk as others, there is no denying how impactful the ship was to fandom culture and to the LGBT+ community. It is a legavy that I hold respect for since it really gave people like myself creativity and enpowerment for over 50 years, and is still generaitng works even now. That is something to respect.

As for it’s placement... the ending was a litle weird. It felt like they didn’t know how to have Spock cured without him either killing someone or doing hanky panky, so he just... gets over it agter thinking that he killed Kirk. It is a good moment, especially his reaction when he sees that Kirk is alive. That was a very justified emotional response that made me smile... and laugh when he tried to deny it haha. ButI find it hard ot buy that a biological funciton like that just... went away. But ah well. It was still an ejoyable episode with some great Vulcan content, McCoy being an underrated badass, and the moments that slash shippers will forever be grateful for. But speaking of slash...

#8. All Our Yesterdays

Sorry Amok Time, but THIS is the slashiest episode in the whole show. While I didn’t get into Spirk much, I got head over heels for Spones. IDK what it was but their dynamic has always been enjoyable and it just... really drew me in. Most of my favorite moments were between this two like the moment in Bread and Circuses and more I’ll go into later, This is essentially The Spones Episode despite what actually happens. Our heroes are to clear a planet that’s sun is about to go supernova, only to find it already gone. Kirk ends up going through a portal when he hears cries for help and when Spock and McCoy go agter him, they end up in an arctic-like area. They were all sent to different points of th eplanet’s past, Kirk in some old timey point and Spock and McCoy even earlier. Now they have to figure out how to get back and survive their situaitons. Kirk’s plot has nothing special tbh and with a few adjustments could have been written out entirely, hence why this is at 8. But Spock and McCoy? Ho boy, their scenes MAKE this episode.

Spock and McCoy try to survive the harsh conditions, the latter almost dying of severe frostbite. He outright tells Spock to abandon him with Spock being VERY adament that that’s not happening. They’re rescued by a woman named Zarabeth and Spock proceeds to spend most of the episode interacting with her while tending to McCoy. Which he gets VERY touchy feely with the latter. Like... a lot more than normal, which tvh the whole seaosm felt that way between those two if what I said about The World is Hollow... counts for anything. Now he DOES end up ‘falling’ for Zarabeth, but there’s a reason for that. Spock is regressing to how his ancestors acted at the time, which was like ‘barbarians’. When amcCoy starts to realize that something’s wrong, it leads to two very intense but really well done scenes with McCoy using logic against Spock to make him realize that he’s lost himself. And while Spock pretty much gave up greitng home due to all of this, McCoy refuses with or without him, even outright going back into the storm to find the portal because damn it, he wants his life back. Then when we find out that Spock and McCoy HAVE to go back together or not at all, it doesn’t take Spock even a second to decide to leave Zarabeth behind. It’s sad because Zarabeth will die a cold, lonely death and she cdoesn’t deserve that at all, so it’s bittersweet. But man next to the katra thing int he films, IDT it gets more symbolic than that.

Like I said, Kirk’s scenes in the past are the only real issue I have since aside form explaining a few things about he situation, feel like they’re just there so that Kirk can still be in the episode prominently. I had some problems with Spock’s OOC behavior, but that got an explanation and has some credibility with how Vulcans are psychically linked. Would explain why McCoy and Zarabeth never seemed to regress. But it was still a good episode with great Spock and McCoy scenes, we FINALLY git a snow environment after forever (and a time travel plot to boot), and a bittersweet but nice ending. Seriously when Spock and McCoy make it back safely and Kirk just touches them on their shoulders in relief is such a nice moment. God I love those three~! Season Three wasn’t a strong season but it still had it’s standouts, and this was very much one of them for me. But I AM biased cause Spones, so take that for what it’s worth!

And that’s enough for now. The last seven will be in another post. Thank you for reading everyone~!

Image Source: TrekCore TOS Gallery

[blizzardfluffykpop]

Move Along

Summary: It’s okay to move on from someone who hurts you or you’re no longer in love with.

Jaehyun X Reader

Warnings: This deals with cheating and divorce.

(Jaehyun is TOXIC and realizes it)

[It ends on a light hearted note]

There’s a lot of song lyrics here if I missed a few just tell me, but here are the ones I can remember. (It was originally based off of Be My Mistake by The 1975).

Be My Mistake and It’s Not Living If It’s Not With You by The 1975, Fvck Somebody by The Wrecks, (Probably Used: Don’t Take The Money by The Bleachers), Peach Scone by Hobo Johnson and The LoveMakers, Therapy and Some Kind of Disaster by All Time Low, and (Partial quote: With a Little Help From My Friends - The Beatles) Title from Move Along by The All-American Rejects

Whether you are in a friendship, a relationship, or a marriage, everyone needs a break. Sometimes even when you’re all by yourself you need a break. When it gets tough, the tough get tougher and the weak get weaker. It seemed like my marriage to Jaehyun was perfect,... Yeah, he still had his duties as a Kpop idol, and I still have my duties at my shop. But we always knew we had each other’s backs through thick and thin. He always comes home around midnight and leaves at noon. Then, he started coming home late, or not coming home at all, and not telling me where he has been the whole time. Not even leaving a text, and when he left for tour later that week. He didn’t say a word to me and left without a word. 

In our twelve years of being together, he’s never pulled something like this. We had been best friends for five years, and he would always have me there when he goes off on tour. When we started dating, we would kiss, hug, and cry together before he left for tour. Five years after we started dating, he asked me to marry him. I said yes, of course, and for the first time since then, he hasn’t spoken a word. If he texts me at all it’s in terse sentences, no emojis, no ���I love yous’, no nothing. If I was being real, it is breaking me into pieces, but I won’t say anything. Because it seems if I bring it up, he will ignore me.

He’s been on tour for three weeks, and I have yet to hear a word from him. I text him good mornings, are you okay, I hope you have a good day, it’s lonely without you, goodnight. It wasn’t until this afternoon that I figured that something was up. When he asked me if we can take a break, that he can’t take this marriage right now with everything going on. I broke down after I texted him back, ‘sure, that’s fine, I hope whatever is going on goes away soon’. He said ‘thanks’ shortly after, and I couldn’t feel anymore. 

Everything was going well, but it seems what they say about life is true. I never wanted to believe in it, as I kept an optimistic outlook on everything. They say nothing in life is fair, but what if it was? I refuse to let things like that get to me, well, it seems I did. As I lay on my bed suffering, my best friend, my lover, my everything… has given up. All I can say is, it’s fine, don’t worry about it, and not pry at the problems. The only one who seemed to get me since I moved here, maybe I should have stayed in my home country. 

I call my old best friend which I haven’t talked to in years. I was always wondering how they were but, fearful that they would forget about me. But the minute it lets out a ring, it’s a voice I haven’t heard in forever asking, “(Y/n)? Why are you calling me, are you alright?” I muffle my sob into my sleeve, “Not really, but I was wondering if I could come visit you?” They let out a little hum, and tell me to give them a second. “Yeah, when will you be here? Do you need me to come pick you up?” I nod, but I realize they can’t see me. I reply, “Yeah, if you don’t mind, I’ll text you after I order the plane ticket, thanks, Jamie.” 

After saying our farewells, I couldn’t care less how much the ticket was, all I knew was I wanted out of this place. The greens in the room make me nauseous as I continue to look at them while packing my stuff. Barely being able to touch Jaehyun’s clothes without shaking. I stare at the picture of us laughing, standing on the dresser, and put it down on the dresser. By the time he gets back from tour, I’ll still be at my friend’s house. I rip our pictures off the walls as I walk through the house collecting little things to take with me.The last thing I pack is my computer, and put it into its pouch, in a separate bag. I could take my car to the airport, or I could store it in my storage unit, which I decide is a better idea. I don’t want him to know where I am, he doesn’t deserve to know if he wants a break,... I’ll give him a break. I’ll take a break from him too, why does he get to be the only one who gets to have fun, and figure things out. I take a shower, before telling my employees I won’t be here for a few weeks. I tell Jeonghan to run the store like I would, “So into the ground?” He cheekily replied, making me laugh, before I said, “I’ll see you later, Jeonghan.” 

With a deep sigh and some of my frustrations out, I take my car to the storage unit. I kiss the steering wheel, telling little Louie goodbye before calling an Uber. My Uber pulls up, he has four scented trees hanging from his rear view mirror. Along with two beaded necklaces, and a little flower sitting on the dash. He asks me how my day was going, a little white lie couldn’t hurt anyone sometimes. I tell him it’s going okay, and I ask him about his. He tells me a little about himself, and I tell him little tidbits about me. He drops me off at the airport and tells me to have a safe trip. I tell him to have a good day at work he grins as I pay him the fare.

I forgot how bustling this place can be, the atmosphere feels nice. I get my bag checked, go through the scanner and wait for my flight. I look at my phone, and scrolling through twitter, and seeing propaganda from Dispatch. That Jaehyun has a hickey on his neck, he couldn’t have one if I haven’t been with him in a few weeks. They know he’s married to me, so why would they even broadcast that. Maybe I should have realized that is why he wanted a break. But alas, I didn’t put two and two together,... As I sit on the plane, that thought never crossed my mind as I fell asleep. 

Next thing I know, I’m in my home country, waiting for my old best friend to pick me up. I see them, looking around for me with a little sign that says, “Welcome back home, (Y/n)!” I rush over, hugging them as they excitedly tell me, “I can’t wait for you to meet everyone!” My eyes widened a bit, I mean I expected them to eventually get a family, but I didn’t think it was eventually yet. “Oh man, I can’t wait to meet them” The radio bopping out the tunes as we sing along, laughing at each other and reminisce. They unlock their front door, and yell, “I’m home and I brought a guest!” Three screeching kids come running attaching themselves to Jamie. When I look up after I am introduced to Pat, Dani, and Nova. Their three little ones, I notice Mingyu a face I haven’t seen in years. I tell Jamie softly, “You guys married?” they both nod at me. Mingyu had liked Jamie throughout our senior year, made it official on our graduation day. Mingyu comes over and welcomes me with a hug and kisses Jamie’s forehead. “There are children present!” Mingyu cracks back, “Yeah, like you?” I laugh, “You got me there.” The two of them laugh, before introducing me to their dogs, Shelly and Bailey, and their two cats Marco and Polo.  

They show me to the guest room where I’d be staying for a little while. I tell them I’m overly grateful for them letting me stay here, and Jaime pats my head as they tell me it’s no problem. I look around at the rusty orange painted room. The closet filled to the brim with storage, a cute little lamp on a nightstand. A small plant on the windowsill in a frog planter along with crystals arranged on the windowsill. The plush carpet riddled with coffee stains, making it more a brown carpet than a white carpet. Mingyu calls us down for dinner. The kids rushing ahead of me, I laugh as Pat trips both his siblings, I help them up and carry them in as Pat rushes in front of me. I ruffle his hair, “Little troublemaker, they’re going to get you back, you know that, right?”

Jamie sighs, “He tripped the other two-” “Because Dani and Nova pulled my hair!!” Jamie sighs, “I wonder why” we exchange a laugh, as Mingyu lays the plates down. Jamie kisses Mingyu thanking him for the meal, as the kids yell their thanks. “Don’t expect a kiss from me, but thank you very much” The both of them laugh, Mingyu asks, “How’s Jaehyun?” I wince when they bring him up and Jamie grabs my hand rubbing their thumb over my hand, “Oh honey, what happened?” I look towards the kids, “Can we wait?” They nod, understanding what I meant, we finish eating in peace. Nova sneaking her vegetables to Shelly. I shake my head, before showing her the trick of mashing her peas under her plate, then wiping them up with a napkin. Acting like I was wiping my face off on the dirty napkin. Nova giggles and following suit as Mingyu and Jamie chat with themselves. Pat and Dani, surprisingly enjoying their vegetables. After Nova finishes I sneakily throw her napkin away and wash her plate. I grab the rest of their plates, Jamie raises her eyebrows at me, “But you’re our guest-” “It’s the least I can do though, Jamie.” They roll their eyes at me, “Thank you” When no one is looking Nova and I high five, Jamie and Mingyu sending the kids off to bed. Jamie reads them a fairy tale, almost putting me to sleep, man they have a way with words. When Jamie closes the door behind me, I softly declare that Nova is my favorite. Mingyu disagrees saying Pat is the best, while Jamie rolls their eyes, telling us Dani is the best. “So you two do have favorites, I thought parents weren’t supposed to pick favorites.” They shake their heads, "You know we're kidding." I laugh, "Yeah, you did choose to adopt them and all." Before they both exchange a look at each other, “Nova listens to no one,...” Before, they look at me, “No wonder you get two get along,… Don’t teach her any sly moves now.” If only they knew, that I already did. “Wouldn’t dream of it” as we sit down on the couch and I cross my fingers. “You already have, haven’t you?” I shrug, “Maybe, maybe not”

They shake their heads, “Anyway, so what happened?” “Jaehyun asked me for a break, I should understand but, I don’t. Before he asked, he was never home if he was. It was early in the morning and then leave without a word, or not come home at all. Then for the first time in twelve years, he didn’t let me see him off at the airport. It was kind of a tradition--” Mingyu interrupts me, “How has he been texting you?” I pull out my phone, “Here, take a look” handing my phone over to both of them.

I put my hand over my face, not knowing what to feel. Shame? Sadness? Anger? None of the emotions seemed fitting, as they scroll through my texts. Jamie wraps their arms around me, cooing me, and telling me, “Oh honey,...” while Mingyu reads the rest of the texts. “Well, you’re allowed to stay here for as long as you need.” I nod, and thank them, “I’ll probably just stay for a week or two at most, and visit some of my relatives.”

A week later, and when the two of them leave for work. I’m babysitting the kids at the park telling them stories of their parents and me. They seem to like them, they get quiet and listen to me, and then we play little games together. I start to wonder why I never took time to at least adopt a kid, because these three are bundles of joy. I don’t understand parents who don’t see how children are full of life. Sure, when you have a headache, it's bad, but you have to fight through that to enjoy life anyway. Going to the park with them is always fun, which is where we are right now, well, we’re walking back home. Since their parents are home told me I comeback with the kids. I carry the three of them down the street to their house. Pat on my shoulders, Nova and Dani on either side of my hips. 

I arrive home in a wonderful mood, we played hide and go seek and tag all day. Until finally resting on the swings. It was a fun-filled day when we arrive inside, they both run to Jamie and Mingyu. Mingyu picks up Dani and Pat into his arms while Nova clings to Jamie’s legs. Jamie laughs, ruffling Nova’s hair before bending down and kissing Nova’s forehead. And I say, “What am I chopped liver?” Mingyu and Jamie look over at me and laugh as the kids switch parents. I go over to the living room, when I hear Mingyu whisper, “Do not let them turn the channel to news, Jamie-.” Before the next thing I know, Jamie comes over to entertain me, and asks if I could do laundry. I raise my eyebrow, before heading over to the laundry room and with a shrug I do the laundry. I wonder why they don’t want me to watch the news? That’s a lot to unpack, and I’m not up for unpacking any more stuff this week. I finish just as dinner is served until I realize that my phone is not on me. I search for it before I see Pat playing games on it. I should have never told them my passwords because they drain my battery. Pat eats food as he plays with it, that kid is something else. Although I cannot say I’m any different because I do the same. The whole tv whisper slips my mind as I think about Jaehyun, and how much he would love to meet Nova, Pat, Dani. The last time we were here was before they adopted them. I shudder at the thought, it seems no matter where I go he invades my thoughts. I wonder if he thinks the same, or at least I hope he does. 

Pat tugs on my sleeve to tell me my phone died, I sigh, as I finish my food, and put it into my pocket. Mingyu says he has the dishes tonight and Jamie puts on a movie on the TV. I throw my phone on my charger in my room. Pat sits on my lap as we all get comfy on the big couch. All of them are my favorite not just Nova, and Mingyu and Jamie feel the same way about their kids, they just like to joke. I can’t believe I’m a godparent to all three of them, and this is the first time I’ve met them. I feel so bad, I should have been here to see them grow up. I know Jamie and Mingyu got them when they were babies. Although they were originally planning on getting teenagers. The facility they went to had no teenagers, and all the kids were adopted, but the three new arrivals were babies. The two of them signed up for these three and went through the process. I didn’t get to see them as they grow up as much as I should have, as a godparent should. Have I just been ignoring everything but my life, have I become so selfish? Or am I just putting myself down because of Jaehyun? 

Pat falls asleep on me, becoming dead weight, causing my legs to fall asleep, I start to feel tired as well. I get up with Pat and gesture I’m going to tuck both of us into our beds and sleep. Pat’s a sound sleeper luckily, as I tuck him in and wish him sweet dreams before tucking myself into my bed. I wake up in the middle of the night to check my phone. I see an article about Jaehyun and decide to read it tomorrow morning, I’m scoff and roll over falling back to sleep. 

When I wake up again, it’s to the bright sunshine, because I forgot to close my curtains. I grumble about it, before opening my phone and looking at the news article. “Is Jaehyun Cheating on (Y/n)?” Just because we take a break doesn’t mean you have to go nut Dispatch. But go off I guess... I decided to read it nonetheless, and I can’t look away as it reveals more and more evidence. The stupidest one being we haven’t seen them together in months, well no really? He’s on tour what do you expect, not that we’re on a break or anything. After reading that first evidence, I just trash the article. Before I go to Korea Times if there is a real scandal they would have an article on it. My heart breaks as I read “What’s Up with Jung Jaehyun?” 

It reads, “It seems that the world tour is not the only thing Jaehyun is busy with.” I continue to read; “Usually you can find his lover in the second row three seats in, for the second concert. We also see them exchange a hug and kiss before he takes off before the concert. Could they be taking a break? Or is it more than that?” It’s a picture of him with a woman, who I can’t seem to place. It’s probably a new manager,... until I scroll to the next picture and my heart shatters. It seems like they were trying to hide from the public eye as they kiss behind a tree. 

That’s not-That can’t be-This isn’t happening-No, not to me. Please tell me my eyes deceive me and this is just a person faking to be Jaehyun for some publicity. Like that photo of Justin Bieber eating a burrito on a bench,... right? Wondering if that is Jaehyun kissing that woman. It is... as I keep scrolling seeing more and more pictures of the two. I chucked my phone into a stuffed animal, not being able to bear it anymore. I change into some running clothes, to burn off these frustrations and inner turmoils. I go downstairs to tell Jamie since it’s their day off that I’m going for a run and I’ll see them in an hour. They tell me to be safe and I promise I will, but at that moment it feels like a big fat lie. 

The jeans he was wearing I put cute little heart patches on the knees. I used to tease him about how his knees always get cold. I made him a solution, that settled that it was Jaehyun in those pictures. I sprint faster, my tears flying off my face at this point. The audacity that man has, I look down at my left hand to still see our wedding ring still on my hand. I take it off and put it into my pocket, it seems he still owns my heart enough for me to not get rid of him completely. Maybe someday soon, I guess we’re history, and I can’t help but collapse to my knees in the forest I grew up wandering in.

I hum a tune to a song I used to know, “Distract my brain from the terrible news.” I say as I find an old pedestal covered in moss to sit on.

--

Jaehyun's POV

Staring at the patches that (Y/n) put into my blue jeans, makes me want to cry. I should have never started seeing her. Soo-hye looks over at me and tells me she likes my jeans. What I think is a mumble, “She patched these jeans that you like” she looks at me shrugging and cuddles into my side. It seems like none of the guys can look me in the eyes anymore because of this woman curled up next to me. I don’t blame them, I can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore without gagging in disgust. I push Soo-hye away from me, “I don’t wanna hug, I just want to sleep, okay?” She whines about it, and we go at it again and makes me want to just throw myself out the window afterward. 

I curl up to her, my jeans lying somewhere near the door. What made me go this far? Why didn’t I stop? I have (Y/n) at home, I’ve loved them for 12 years is that not enough for me,... I guess it isn’t. 

When I wake up, the morning light it blinds me, reminding me of (Y/n), I should just come clean to (Y/n). It would be better than running around their back right? Soo-hye’s head is tucked into my chest, this could be my real lover. I could be with (Y/n) right now, what is wrong with me. I shake my head smelling Soo-hye’s hair, it smells just like (Y/n)’s feet. It’s kind of weird to say that, but it’s so true. While (Y/n) always smells like buttercream sunsets, sometimes like a rainforest if they went out for a run. The worst smell (Y/n) ever had was on their feet, and I miss it so much. Everything about Soo-hye is just for the physical aspect, I don’t want her emotionally,... I’m using her and I feel bad for it, but it’s not as bad as how I’ve used (Y/n). They’re my everything, and here I am laying with someone I’m not emotionally attached to and having sex with them. 

Johnny, my closest friend, can’t look me in the eyes. It hurts me to my very core, I’ve got to end this. I sigh before my resolve to end it would soon be broken again as she wakes up. Her eyes look beautiful in the morning, but the stars in her eyes are dull compared to the moon’s that shine in (Y/n)’s eyes. 

I know why I started having an affair. (Y/n) was busy running their shop, it was the holiday season and I wanted to do was hold them in my arms at night. My heartfelt incredibly lonely, I had no one to satisfy my urges. Even if (Y/n) was home it was only for a few misley hours. They would be gone the next, I went on tour and they hugged and kissed me farewell. When I came back home it was Valentine’s day. Their shop was busy all week again, it’s good for business but not for our relationship. It was completely selfish for me to take up a relationship with Soo-hye. I should have never done it, I know it was wrong, but I’m so self-absorbed. I know for a fact if I looked at what was right in front of me. Was (Y/n) supporting me every step of my career and as much as I supported theirs, I just started to fall short,...

They’re probably better off without me anyway, I can’t believe this is the man I’ve become. I never thought I would cheat on them. But here I am, my arms wrapped around Soo-hye, she didn’t care that I was married. She told me I was cute and made me feel attractive again when I was beginning to think I was unlovable. Because (Y/n) certainly didn’t love me if they weren’t with me every minute, how fucking toxic I was,... I am. God, (Y/n) should divorce me, I’m not worth the heartache. I gotta figure this out because I’m not the man I used to be, and not the man I ever wanted to be. 

---

That night, my thoughts lead to an argument with Soo-hye, my biggest mistake. I’ve had enough when I blurt out my true feelings, “You know what, fuck you, you do make me hard but (Y/n) makes my knees weak!” Full of anger, I’m so tired of this situation. She raises her chin, “It seemed earlier that I made your knees weak, but whatever you say, Jaehyun. I’ll see you next week and you know it.” 

I fall to my knees as she gathers her clothes and shuts the door. I know she’s right, I know all of my members heard. The hotel rooms have thin walls, it can barely cover up the sounds of my crying into my couch cushion. I want to get better,...

I call my manager up to book me for group therapy when we get off of tour. I never thought I would be the kind of man, I grew up to hate as a kid. My mother raised me so much better... but here I am cheating on my best friend, my lover, my heart, my everything with a girl who doesn’t even matter to me. All that girl does is fuel my physical desires when I’m lonely when I’m tired of feeling. I want to get better, I can’t lead a life I never wanted to live. My fans must be disappointed in me, I can’t imagine how (Y/n) feels. They must be torn, I know the news is everywhere. I had my dream life and I became toxic and let it slip right through my fingers. I ruined my life, (Y/n)’s life and everyone in between. I’m not the man they married, I’m not Jung Jaehyun, I look in the mirror and see the shell of who I once was. I got to get better so I don’t hurt someone else, and I got to end this right. I know they’re anywhere but home. Especially after I told them I wanted a break. I should have just told them the truth. I cheated on perfection, and I’m left in this endless cycle of crying and cursing myself. Why did I have to do that? I could have just said no to Soo-hye’s validation and waited for my lover to come back home. Gotten over myself and lived the life I was living.

I hope once we divorce they can heal. They deserve someone who can treat them like royalty and nothing less than that. I wanna be anything but who I am, moss on a decaying pedestal would be better than who I am.

--

Sitting on the moss-covered pedestal, how am I going to face my friends, my godchildren, my parents, anyone. That’s why I was told not to look at the news, everyone knew and now knows. How did my life get to this point, I thought everything in my life was perfect. I guess when you glaze your eyes over the imperfections, you never notice the flaws. That there were signs our relationship was going downhill. We’ve had our ups and downs but it could not have been that bad,... 

I sigh reminiscing about the forest instead of my dark thoughts. I remember when this pedestal was placed in this forest. Forcing myself into a better mood as I think about this pedestal. I was with my friend Minghao and were walking through the forest to go home when we saw it. Yes, we did take aesthetic photos together that I still have Polaroids of in a photo album. We stood on the pedestal posing and laughing at each other. I can’t believe it’s been that many years for it to be like this. 

I guess over time things that you don’t take care of something it ends up in shambles. Whether it be with moss or unexplainable feelings. If I would have just taken care of the relationship with Jaehyun so it would be as strong as it was when we first married. I can’t claim him as my husband, he’s not the man I married. I’m probably not the same person I was when we married. But we matured a lot, sometimes you gotta hurt before you learn to heal. I still would like to talk to him about it, and finalize it. I’m not going to waste my breath on someone who no longer loves me. If he no longer loves me then I’ll move on. I’ll start over again, and maybe live my forever with someone who I care about. 

--

Therapy is hell, it’s not my friend, but definitely my confinement. Jaehyun and I go to separate group therapy, sometimes I go to one-on-one’s depending on how I feel. It’s been a few months since we’ve divorced. Mingyu and Jamie were behind me every step of the way, my family joining in and helping me deal with the pain. I might miss him sometimes but does not mean I need him to function.

We talk occasionally, but more as people that know everything about you, but nothing at the same time. They know things about you wish you could erase, but they no longer know who you are now. Time heals all wounds, and therapy definitely helps, I’m better now, it tore me up for months. I didn’t dare talk to Jaehyun. It was about six months after the scandal, the reality, the truth came out. Before I was ready to deal with Jung Jaehyun, I moved into a new apartment. Rebuilding myself up from the bottom up, with a little help, a lot of help from my friends. I was me again, or the me I needed to be. 

When I face Jaehyun it was on mutual terms, we agreed to end it after talking everything out. It was a long process of divorce, even though no longer happy with each other. We helped each other through every step of the way, crying on each other’s shoulders for hours. Because we never wanted to be like this. But here we were, and I know we’re happier now that we are no longer together. 

--

It’s been a few years now, Jaehyun and I are still friends but that’s as far as it goes. I’ve found someone who I love with my whole heart, and they love me too. I spend hours on the phone with them, they have kids, and we care for them together. It’s the family I always wanted, Jaehyun has just recently entered the dating world again. I’m very proud of him, we’ve both come such a long way after everything. It’s never too late to start again, and we’ve become the kind of people our 4th grader selves would be proud of. 

My shop is flourishing and Jeonghan runs the building. He is hopelessly in love with a guy who comes into the shop every day. The triplets are 1st graders now, Mingyu and Jamie are still in love, and going strong. Minghao is having kids and Johnny has started his solo career in Chicago and is making bank. We’re all happy, and that’s all of ever wanted to be, yeah it’s taken a long time to get there. I’m happy to be happy again, so if you get to the point where you find someone who loves you like how you love them. Keep them in your life, cherish them, don’t let them slip through your fingers. 

Just because you have been with someone for a long time, whether you lost your virginity with them. Were high school sweethearts, or were just there for each other in the tough times. It does not mean you have to be with them forever. Not all relationships are meant to last, it’s okay to leave someone who you devoted a portion of your life too. Even if what your partner has done is not horribly wrong, you are allowed to walk away. It happens, no matter how long you are with them, you are allowed to leave them. Even if you’re married, you can divorce and move onto someone better. That treats you right, like the royal you are, never accept anything less. This goes for you too, you better treat your significant other like royalty unless they screw you over. Remember three strikes they’re out, and if they mess up royally once, it’s over.

[darknessisafriend]

Beyond memory Part 2

And here we go! there will be around 5 parts I think ^^

Part 1 here

Warning: explicit self-harm

Joe’s heart missed a beat, he starred at the screen displaying your name, he felt hope rise in his chest, did you remember him? So, with a trembling hand, his thumb unlocked the call, he stayed silent, waiting for you to talk.

“Joe?” he closed his eyes at the sound of your sweet voice, how much he had missed it, you were really calling him.

“Yes...” was the only thing he managed to pronounce; as for you, you could feel the pain in his voice and you felt guilty, responsible for his state. You probably scared the man as much as you were scared of him yesterday.  

“Hum...my parents told me you were my emergency contact, and that you were the one who called them...” you started gently, you wished you could see his face as you talked to him right now.

“I did...Why are you calling me?” he couldn’t help but ask, he was confused, it seemed you didn’t recover your memory, so what was the purpose of your call?  

“Yeah, sorry...I’m...lost Joe. I can’t remember what happened for the past 2 years...I don’t know what to do...” you admitted looking down at your hands, his heart bled each time you pronounced his name “I was thinking that...maybe you could come at the hospital, to talk and...my parents also told me we were...very close; so, I figured out you might help me to fill in the blanks?” you suggested, feeling unsure if he would accept after what happened...if he was the closest person you had, then maybe, he could help you to remember; or at least tell you about everything that had happened for the past years.

“I will. I can come today if...”

“Oh yeah! That would be perfect, thanks” you replied a bit too excitedly. He didn´t answer, staying silent, he just didn´t know how to interact with you since you had lost your memory “Alright then...see you this afternoon.” you added, you heard hung up, it seemed he wasn’t the talkative type of guy.  Joe swallowed down, he didn´t expect you to contact him, and now he felt hope starting to rise in his chest.  

He quickly got up, he had to make himself presentable so you would see him in his best light, he wanted to please you. But then he felt the same anxiety he had felt for your first date together. He hopped into the shower, washing his body and his hair, he felt so much determination to get you back now; when he came out of the shower, he passed a hand on the mirror to erase the vapor and looked at his reflection, he needed to trim his beard and show he was taking care of himself, then he combed his hair and tied them nicely into his manbun, a small smile formed on his lips, it reminded him on how much you loved his long hair, to bury your fingers in them as he snuggled against you or when you grabbed them as he made love to you. Then, he put on his jean and a nice brown and blue plaid shirt, you were right when you had said one day that he kinda looked like a lumberjack, he smirked because you had absolutely loved it.  

And the time didn´t pass quickly enough for him, he had paced in the living room while waiting the afternoon to come and see you. He was impatient to see your face, until he actually arrived at the door of your room where apprehension started to build inside of him; his heart was beating fast, he stood there, staring at your door, flashes of the moment when you had woken up and had been terrified by him came back to his mind; what if you get scared again when you see him? He didn´t want to scare you again...he took a few deep breaths, he had to try, so he knocked, it was weaker than he wanted to; when he heard your answer, he opened the door, his eyes instantly meeting yours.

You ignored the brief fear you felt as you saw Joe, it was a residue of what you had felt when you had woken up. Although, he was a physically impressive man, you didn´t felt frightened by him anymore, there was something sweet or vulnerable about him, he was throwing you quick glances, you understood he didn’t want to scare you again, you felt ashamed you had reacted this way, but it had been more out of instinct than anything.  

“Please, enter! You can sit next to me” you invited him, gesturing to the chair next to your bed, you tried to give him a reassuring smile, but it wasn´t easy as you were so confused about your past and to be honest you were anxious to know what happened during these two last years.  

So, after closing the door, he slowly made his way to chair; you detailed his appearance, he looked good, his shirt highlighted his broad shoulders, you realized he had long hair, tied into a manbun, you liked that on men; his beard didn´t seem as messy as you had thought when you had woken up, it actually looked quite soft to the touch. As he sat down, his eyes met yours, they were of an intense green that you had rarely seen, but they were also full of apprehension.

“Thanks for coming...” you started almost timidly, he was still looking at you, ready to listen to what you had to say “first of all...I wanted to apologize for my reaction the other-”

“No. You don´t have to; nobody thought you would lose your memory” he cut you off with a pained sigh; you nodded and looked down at your hands, slightly nervous about your first question.  

“You were my boyfriend, right?” you finally asked, there was a short silence, you heard him swallow down.

“Your husband...we married a few months ago” he answered, you felt your heart shatter at this news, you lifted your head to meet his eyes, you could see how filled with pain they were and you shared that pain, you wished you remembered him and didn´t make the ma-Joe suffer.  

“I´m sorry Joe...” you said honestly, shifting in your bed so that your hand could take his, he seemed taken aback by the contact but then his thumb came to stroke your fingers, as if he was also apologizing for not saving you in time. The two of you stayed silent for a bit of time; it was worse than you expected, you were so angry at yourself for not remembering anything.  

“How was it?” you finally asked, you were curious to know how was your daily life by his side.

“Hmm?”

“Our relationship?” you clarified, he seemed to think for a bit.

“Well...it´s... we were very close, you helped me to get through tough times and...it was happy.” he answered thinking about what else he could say.

“How did we meet?” you asked then, you wondered if it was something like work or something more original.

“I wasn’t feeling well, I was going through the loss of my mother and I was doing shit with myself, until you found me and you would refuse to leave my side until I smiled and promised to work out on those issues” he chuckled as he explained, remembering how you two met.  

“I hope I wasn´t too much of a pain in the ass” you joked, soften by his answer.

“Well maybe at first but I ended up liking it” he replied a nostalgic smile, you chuckled; you could imagine the scene, you sticking to this brooding guy and doing everything you could to make him happy.  

“When you´ll come back home I will show you pictures you took of us and I will tell you about them, it could help” he offered looking at you with hope, ‘home’ you wondered what it looked like.

“Sure, I´d love that” you replied with a sweet smile, he was being so nice and patient with you.

“When can you leave the hospital?” he asked his eyebrows slightly furrowed, he wanted to do everything he could to help you.

“Oh, I don´t know they didn´t tell me...”

“Ok, I´m gonna ask them, you will be better at home than here anyway.” he declared, quickly getting up to get an answer from a doctor; you could tell he was really eager to bring you back ‘home’ but you were not so sure about it, you forgot all your life with Joe, this home no matter how much you liked it before was now completely foreign to you, and it also meant you would have to live with Joe, even if he was being nice, you didn´t see yourself living with a stranger, especially if you used to be very intimate with him, it was probably stupid thoughts but what if he wanted intimacy with you while he remained a complete stranger to you? You were pushed out of your thoughts as Joe came back.

“They said that you can leave tomorrow.” he announced trying to hid the excitement in his voice, but you could feel how excited he was; if the doctors had said now, he would probably be carrying you to the car this instant, although it was sweet it only increased how nervous you felt about living in an unfamiliar place.

“Joe, there´s huh...I´m not sure I want to live with you yet...” you confessed truthfully, you wanted to be honest with him, it was heard for you to keep eye contact with him, you knew these words would hurt his feelings.

“What do you mean?” he cut you off frowning, hurt in his voice.

“No, no don´t take it badly!” you quickly clarified, you didn´t want to hurt him more than you already did, shit, you felt so ashamed.

“It´s just that everything is unknown to me right now and I´m gonna live in a home that even though it´s mine won´t feel like it because I have forgotten, and that is already very stressful to me right now and...” you started feeling panic build in your chest.

“So, you want to get used to the place first. And then me.” Joe stated, his tone calm; he put his hands on his hips, looking at you in the eyes to be sure of what you meant.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I hope you understand, or maybe I can go to a hotel and come sometimes ho-”

“No. I get it; it´s fine. I can take a room at a hotel, and you stay in our house, when you´ll get comfortable and change your mind about me, I´ll come back.” he replied on a casual tone, you scanned his face to be sure he was okay with it, and you were surprised to find that he didn´t seem offended, you still felt embarrassed about it though.

“Thanks Joe” you gave him a grateful smile, but fidgeted your fingers with embarrassment. There was an awkward silence after that, as if the connection you had built in a few minutes ago had disappeared.  

“Okay, I have to go. I´ll pick you up tomorrow morning.” Declared giving you one last look before leaving, you didn’t have time to answer to him that he had already left, he was probably very busy; you sighed relieved that he was so understanding.

Joe headed back to his car, he felt numb, as if he was still processing the conversation you had; everything felt so strange that he was even questioning it had happened. As he arrived to your home, he tried to replay the whole discussion in his mind, trying to understand. As he unlocked his door, he remembered the face you had when he came back from talking with the doctor, there was something different in your eyes, and as you had spoken, he had realized that you still didn´t trust him that´s why you didn´t want him in the same house.  

But why would you not trust him!? He had been nothing but kind to you since you woke up. What has changed? Why weren’t you seeing him like before?

He looked around, your home which was a few days ago full of life, happiness and love was now empty, and grey, he clenched his jaw, maybe that going somewhere else could help him to put things into perspective.  

Actually, he wanted to get out of here as fast as possible, he couldn´t bare this place without you. He hurried upstairs, picked up a bag, then went into the bedroom to take some clothes, he didn´t even look at what he took, he just wanted this to be over with. His breathing was getting faster and faster, he could hear his blood pounding in his ears, and it was getting louder and louder.

“Now where´s that fuckin´ pajama!” he cursed, looking around, then he remembered it was in the bed, he opened the sheets to take it, frustrated tears in his eyes; but as he grabbed his pajama, he realized yours was next to his. He froze, his hand was shaking as he seized it, he collapsed on his knees against the bed and buried his face in your clothes, it still had your scent, as if you had just left a few hours ago, why couldn't you remember!?  

He wanted his pain to go away, it was too much, he felt like his whole body was going to explode...that´s when these thoughts started to come back and he just couldn´t resist, he had sworn to you he wouldn´t hurt himself again but you didn´t remember so what was the point anyway!? He searched in his pockets for the pocket knife he always carried with him, and when he found it, he opened it, frowning as he looked at the blade, he had resisted its call for so long, but he couldn't anymore, it was all too much.

“Fuck this...” he rolled up the sleeve of his left arm, and cut several areas of his forearm, clenching his fist as he felt the pain spread through his arm, he watched with a morbid fascination his blood starting to come out, drops sliding on his skin, he rejected his head back, it felt so good, so relieving but quickly he felt tears again, rolling down his cheeks, now he had broken his promise and he had lost you forever, what was he going to do? He felt so lonely, since the death of his mother, you had been the only one left who loved him, he hugged tightly your cloth as he violently sobbed...

I´M  NOT SORRY

Tag list: @lyoongx​ @skaravile​ @weirdflecksbutok​ @niniitah-ah  @stardancerluv​ @thedamchii​ @arthurismybby​ @radio-hoo-ha​ @ninathefandomcollector​ @kiddastle @oneeightysecond​

[i-dreamed-i-had-a-son]

So I saw a post about the Two Towers movie portraying Éowyn's cooking as inedible (by Aragorn of all people, a Ranger) and it got me on this huge tangent. Firstly, Éowyn doesn't have to be a warrior because she can't do the domestic tasks--she's good at both, but she's expected to only do things like cook and serve and manage the house. She rejects these things because she resents how people look down on her and try to box her in, put her in a "cage", and would keep her there until she's unable to leave it. She wants people, the men in particular, to see her as an equal, and to stop determining her role for her. Éowyn isn't bad at doing what she's "supposed" to, she's consciously rejecting it because she wants it to be her choice.

In the books she has a really great confrontation with Aragorn, in which she calls him out for basically telling her that she can't go fight because someone has to stay behind to look after everyone else. She says that he's only saying that she should stay because she's a woman, but "when the men have died and have no more need of the house, then you have the right to be burned with the house" as though it's an honor. She wants to DO something, and she's constantly told not to, as though she's less capable than the men beside her, and their expectations become a prison for her.

But in a way, her role as a shieldmaiden becomes another prison. She makes that role her identity, in a way, but in doing so becomes cynical, disillusioned with life, and is on several accounts implied to be suicidal (or at least blasé about her potential death). She fought so hard for her right to win renown and glory, but even after slaying the Captain of the Nazgûl, she's not satisfied. Heck, I'll say it, her battle with the Nazgûl represents her fighting, and supposedly triumphing over, the expectations of others: the Nazgûl embodied the expectation of warrior = man, which resulted in the epic "I am no living man!" scene (yes I used the book quote, deal with it). But then directly after this, Théoden dies without knowing that she's on the battlefield and had killed the Nazgûl; rather, he assumes HE did it, inadvertently taking credit for her accomplishment. No shade to Théoden, but this is intended to show that despite Éowyn's efforts, some people will never change their impression of her, and will never believe she's as competent as they are. So even in victory, she doesn't find the recognition of her abilities that she's been searching for. (The defeat of the Captain does mark the turning point where some people begin to respect her, though, and she no longer has to pretend to be a man in order to be seen as a warrior/move outside the "role of a woman", so the victory is not completely sullied.)

Anyways moving on, Aragorn is another example of men's willingness to overrule and talk over Éowyn. In the discussion referenced earlier, he dismisses her skill as a warrior and tells her to "mind the house" (in her words). This infuriates her, and it's made even worse because she has feelings for him (mostly our of admiration for his renown as a leader and warrior himself). But he doesn't return her feelings, and instead of respecting her wishes to fight beside him, he pities her. (Éowyn consistently resents pity because in order to pity someone, you must think yourself above them, and she does not want to be looked down upon.) This crushes her, because the combination of all these factors results in Aragorn seeming to reject her as not worthy of his love or respect.

Faramir serves as a contrast to this. He's familiar with having to deal with the expectations of a father/father-figure who doesn't see your full potential, with being compared to your more "warrior-like" brother; he knows how much it hurts to feel like no one understands you and no one allows you to do all that you can. He understands her. And he has no expectations of her. He says he would love her regardless of her situation, whether she was sorrowful or whether she had no cares and was Queen--in other words, whatever role she chooses to fill, it doesn't change his respect and love for her.

He also has a great conversation with her about pity. He says, "Do not reject pity that comes from a gentle heart, Éowyn! But I do not offer you my pity." He says that he had pitied her, but not because he saw her as lesser; rather, he was moved by her situation, because it pained him to see someone so good suffer so much. In this conversation he tells her he knows that she is not someone to be protected out of pity (and thus looked down on and assumed to be weaker), but that he loves her because of who she is. He also shows he's willing to adapt his perception of her when he learns more about her character (he had pitied her, but does not anymore).

Not only that, many times he makes clear that he wants to follow her preferences. Even in their first interaction, he asks what she wants him to do; he asks permission to speak plainly before calling her beautiful. He is respectful of her initial rejection, and is considerate when talking with her about whether she loves Aragorn or himself. He asks her several times what her decision is, and even when talking about their future, he says "I will wed the White Lady of Rohan, if she wills it" and again says something like "and if it be her will, in brighter days we will live in Ithilien and have a garden! ..." Basically the man is SUPER CONSISTENT with indicating that her opinion and voice matter, and that he's going to respect whatever decision she makes. This is more than she's gotten from almost everyone who's interacted with her this entire time.

And another big change: Éowyn has constantly been trying to get away from wherever she is, be that Rohan or the healing house in Gondor--she always feels imprisoned, and in essentially every scene she asks permission to leave her current area (usually to fight). Then when the Warden releases her (to Faramir's care, and then to her brother's, again maintaining the men's position of control over her life) it could have gone badly. But because Faramir recognizes the importance of Éowyn's autonomy, and wouldn't force her to stay if she tried to leave and go to battle, Éowyn says, "Now that I have leave to go, I would stay" in Gondor--now, finally, it is her choice what she will do, and who she will be.

And I think that's why "her heart changed then, or perhaps she came to understand it" and she accepts Faramir's offer. She realizes what she's been looking for isn't honor or glory or death in battle--it's the freedom to choose who she will be. She had some love for the fighting life, but she had chosen it mostly to resist the role that men had foisted on her. But when she's given the chance to choose, she finds happiness in peace instead of war. And when Faramir shows her to the Warden and says "Now she is healed," he is right; but it is not only the physical wound that has been mended. Her heart has been, too.

[werevulvi]

I don't think I've ever made an in depth post here about where my views really lie, in terms of not just gender identity/trans stuff, but gender and sex as a whole in society. Where my radfem views basically kinda mesh with MRA views. Because it's kinda difficult to put into words. But I want to try. So that you all will know who it is you're actually following. So, I wanna start off with a disclaimer that I will be using certain words and terminology that might make you frown, but please try to see those words as loose descriptions rather than as fixed labels.

I still think that radfem is what lies closest to what my views can be labeled as, if any label at all, as I agree with majority of it. However, there is an MRA twist to them. So to start off... I dunno where to start, but... patriarchy? Yes, how about that! Then let's just ramble on from there. Do I think there is a patriarchy? Yes, I do. I think what's generally called "male socialisation" is inherently destructive to women as a class, and that "female socialisation" is also inherently destructive to women. It raises men above women which takes away our agency and much of our freedom. It exploits us sexually and makes us not only get the short stick biologically but also socially. This is what I generally view as patriarchy. A world of men dominating and controlling women, a rape culture, if you may.

However, what I see, that I don't think most radfems even acknowledge, let alone agree with, is that this patriarchal system is almost as bad for men as it is for women. It assumes men as inherently awful with no chance of redemption, perpetuating basically what's called "original sin" - yet men are taught that they're disposable, only useful if they make a ton of money and sacrifice themselves and their livelihood for women and children. That is an immense burden, and this is where my MRA views come in. I view the world of men and women kinda like this: Imagine an inner circle and an outer circle. In the inner circle are women, protected yet exploited by men, objectified and hold to lesser value, as housewifes, sex objects and baby-making machines, yet don't have as high expectations to contribute in the world. They don't have to go to war, or work themselves to an early grave, they don't have to sacrifice their lives for the opposite sex. But they do have to sacrifice their freedom and their bodies, for men and for reproduction. This is a heavy burden for women to bear.

And in the outer circle are men, having more freedom, yet higher expectations to contribute in the world, as money-makers, disposable soldiers, etc. They are expected to keep the world running and never complain. They are equally as useless unless they perform their reproductive role too, and as disposable slave workers. They are less likely to face sexual and emotional abuse, but are far more likely to face virtually every other kinda abuse. They have tried to fight this injustice, like women have fought against theirs, for as long and as relentlessly, but there is less empathy for men. There always has been. Their struggle is not taken as seriously, because it is less visible. They appear to have it all, but they really don't, and those who do, fought through hell to achieve that.

Men have a biological and social advantage, yes... but for a very heavy price. A price which I don't see many women particularly willing to pay, for those advantages. A MGTOW on youtube once explained that "inner vs outer circle" thing, and... it changed my world view. Since that point I've been on and off between feminism and MRA, because deep down I know he was right. Both MRA's and feminists are right, and that's probably why they cannot work together, nor fold for the other. Nor should they! Maintaining these ideologies as opposites, as enemies, is causing far more problems than either of them are solving, I think.

On a personal note... I am willing to pay that price, for getting the opportunities that men have. Since my transition, I have been made gravely aware of that price that men pay to be successful and considered valuable. Men are NOT seen as more valuable than women. They gain value by working their asses off and making huge sacrifices along that way. If they don't... they're useless neckbeards, "beta males" or homeless with nothing at all. Women also have to put work in and make huge sacrifices to be seen as valuable. Namely, they have to sacrifice their autonomy and their dreams to be caregivers and mothers. That's a heavy price too, but women can't ever become as useless and without value as men can. Albeit horrific, women have intrinsic value in our reproductive ability, but men (according to patriarchy/society) do not have any intrinsic value. They HAVE TO work for their value.

Having said that... I no longer give a shit who has it worse, men or women.

Both suffer under this horribly dehumanising system, which is patriarchal, yes, but it's more so heteronormative. Because it all comes down to our crap biology. Because here's the thing and you may not like reading this, because this where I think MRA's are especially right, which is where I’ll probably lose most feminists: Males are biologically driven to reproduce fast and effectively. They make a ton of sperm and if they don't try to knock up as many females as possible, their genes will get lost and they'll have no family to raise. Their biological value as individuals is dependent on this. Their biological role is miniscule when it comes to breeding, so they try to make up for it by being financial providers and offering protection to females whom are physically weaker and more susceptible to harm.

Females are biologically driven to be selective with their reproduction, because if they're not, they'll go through traumatic pregnancy and childbirth for basically nothing. Females really need to make sure they pick the best genes, and their biological value is dependent on this. Which creates a huge clash between male and female goals, a constant battle hunt of prey vs predator. And that is what creates a rape culture, of males aggressively hunting females for their vaginas, and females desperately protecting their vaginas from useless genetics, bodily harms and getting pregnant too much for their bodies to handle.

This is not just about humans, hence why I wrote males and females, but practically all mammal species. What happens with humans is that we've evolved a little from our primal instincts and intellectualise our existence, and what's the meaning of life. But we still have our biological instincts, and this is what led us to create more complex societies than other mammals do, but these societies are still very similar to most other mammals' equally patriarchal, heteronormative, systems of gender roles. Men did not create this. Nature did. Beautiful, flawless, wonderous... mother nature, damned us all. Patriarchy is not a coincidence, nor a human creation at all. Our societies may be social constructs, but they are based on our reproductive instincts, which have been with us since long before we even became homo sapien.

I get angry when I write/think about all that. Not because "you're all dumb to not get this" or anything like that, but because this hierarchy seen in almost all mammals, including humans... is unavoidable and cannot be fixed. It's an unfortunate outcome of how sexually dimorphic species are biologically built to breed and continue their species. And that is what makes it so upsetting, so aggrevating, so insidious. Because no matter how much feminism, men's rights movements, LGBT communities, humanitarians, socialists and whatever the fuck it all... females will always be at a biological disadvantage, and males will always be at an biological advantage. We can't fix that. Which means, we can't fix patriarchy. Then why even bother? Why try to fight for female liberation, if patriarchy and rape cultures are unavoidable and unfixable? That's what comes down to morals, values, what we want and wish and dream. That matters, it always will, no matter the outcome! I think the world can still be made better than how it is today, especially in third world countries, and that male aggression can be better controlled. I think more choices can be opened up, for both sexes, and that the gender roles can be made less restrictive. And I think that's worth fighting for, even if it's a far cry from feminism's ultimate goal. But I need to also stay realistic and have a plan B, which is to figure out how to thrive, as an individual woman, in this patriarchal rape culture.

And my way of doing so is to try my best to live mostly as a man, taking all the shit men get, for the price of climbing higher up the ladder and avoiding (some of) the disadvantages of being recognisably female - but still take on the female roles that I want for myself, such as motherhood, and take the risks that come with that too. I don't have everything figured out yet, and I don't know what kinda relationship I want yet. But I'm starting to think that maaaybe I would benefit more from taking advantage of the straight privilege I have with my bisexuality, a more pragmatic approach... and get myself a decent househusband, for more convenient breeding. I would like to date another woman again, don't get me wrong, but that feels a bit unfit for my goals, unfortunately. I don’t wanna make hard shit even harder for myself, when it can be avoided.

Love... isn't my main driving factor in relationships anymore. Although I'm gonna need to think it through VERY properly, if I really think that setting love aside for a more practical partner arrangement, is actually a good idea. Regardless, however, I do have attraction to men, but even straight women can marry for practicality and end up miserable and abused because of it. So it has nothing much to do with sexual orientation on that point, but it does in the sense that homosexual marriage can't really be made for practicality. Marrying for practicality is an extremely heteronormative move to make, and one that has been used against homosexuality for centuries, to force gay people into straight marriage. This makes me... extremely uncomfortable and angry, on behalf of all gay people out there, of course.

Yet... I am intrigued by the idea for myself only, as I see the option of marriage from more angles than I used to. I still think marriage should of course be for love as well, and I would never want to choose for others why or whom they should marry, or not marry. That whole dream I have might also be taking on a way too heavy burden and responsibility on my already crumbling shoulders, to aim at being both the provider and a mother, but I want both those things, so it might be worth it. And with that said, having a useful, good, respectful and resourceful husband might be more important to me personally, than any cute frumpy lump of a dude that I just so happen to fall in love with. (But I also wanna point out that my goals and dreams have been switching a lot lately, so please take this sudden, baffling idea of mine with a grain of salt. I'm gonna focus on getting my own ass together first, before I even consider handing it over to someone else again, and I have a lot to work on.) However, say if I'll end up going that route, that is me basically playing into the hands of patriarchy, for the price of getting the best life I can give myself in a broken world which cannot be fixed. I'm not saying my goals are in any way somehow universally favourable. You do you, I do me.

But at the same time I also wanna be inspirational, especially for other women, but in general too. I'll prove to the lot of you that despite being considered a "hopeless case" irrevokably mentally disabled, I'll goddamn make myself into a money-making baby-maker AND a goddamn awesome one at that. I won't give up on my dreams of having a job, financial and emotional stability, and a child. I also won't "correct" myself to fit into the beauty norms of women. I will continue to refuse getting fake tits, laser hair removal, feminising voice training, feminine clothing, makeup, etc. I'm slowly accepting, embracing and coming to terms with being a manly, masculine or even transmasculine, proud woman. And you wanna know why it matters to feminism? Because if I can be a woman, looking like this, living like this... then ALL other gnc females can too. Because not to brag or anything, but I don't think anyone else has taken being gnc quite as far as me before. Almost everywhere I go, I am considered "too masculine" to even be a woman, despite being female, which is a problem that to varying degress affects all gnc females, but I will work hard to change that. And if I succeed to... I'll be paving one fuck of a path for all gnc women after me. You're welcome, sisters.

Furthermore, regardless of my own heterocentric breeding fantasies and whether I make them real or not, I will absolutely continue to stand up and fight for gay, and especially lesbian, rights. No one should be forced, coerced or otherwise shoved into heterosexual stuff against their will, including "girldicks" and "boypussies" - and yes, I will die on that hill. I listen, I hear you, and I will help you spread your word. To wrap it up: So I do CARE about feminism, and trying to make the world a better place by trying to reduce the harm and being a good example in some ways, and I take a very similar approach as radical feminists. I just have a bit of an MRA leaning to my view on patriarchy, which does NOT make that patriarchy any more favourable. I also have a heck of a lot more pessimism about the future prospects of humanity's... own goddamn demise. I'm a nihilist at heart, what can I say? I may love women more... but I don't hate men. No matter how badly many of them have hurt me. No matter how much my c-ptsd makes me fear them. I wanna work with men for a better world that should benefit all of us, not work against them. Yes, I will sleep with the enemy... both figuratively and literally.

[lia-jones]

Growing Stronger - Chapter Twenty-Three - It Takes Four to Salsa

“Andrea, are you ready?”

Victor entered the walking closet, finding the love of his life sitting on the ottoman, putting on her high heels. As she got up, he eyed her up and down appreciatively. She was wearing one of those intricate braided updos she used frequently, exposing her soft beautiful neck and ears. Her lips were bright red, matching the dress she was wearing under a white cardigan. She was absolutely stunning.

“I don’t think I have seen that dress before.” Victor couldn’t hide the satisfaction in his voice.

“I bought it last week.” Andrea smiled, answering with a small twirl. “Do you like it?”

“Let’s see��” He put her hands in her waist, bringing her closer to him to kiss her. She was wearing his favorite perfume. The things this woman did to him.

“I’m wearing red lipstick.” She placed a finger on his lips as a warning. “Are you sure you want to do that?”

Victor feigned exasperation, but the truth was he didn’t mind it in the least. There were far better places to kiss Andrea. Places that were absolutely guaranteed to make her weak in the knees.

“Fine.” He sighed, nibbling her earlobe. As expected, he had to bring his hand to her back to support her as she swayed slightly. He slid the hand on her back under her cardigan, finding soft skin. “Hmmm… Backless. Love it already.” Victor whispered in her ear, making her sigh. “I’ll like it even better on the floor.”

“Victor…” She pleaded without much conviction. “Stop…”

“Why don’t you call Diane…” He trailed down her neck with kisses. “And tell her you have a migraine…” His hand wandered to one of her breasts, squeezing it gently, making her gasp. “And we have a little fun on our own tonight?”

That made Andrea jump, releasing her from his seductive spell.

“No.” She pointed her finger at him, looking suddenly very serious. “They are our friends, it would be very rude of us. Besides, we need to socialize as a couple. It’s healthy.”

“Fair enough.” He conceded, pecking the tip of her nose, making her giggle. “Let’s go, then. I don’t like being late.”

Truth was, although Victor wanted more than anything to see his girlfriend happy, he could do without the double date. It made no sense to go out with people he saw at work anyway, participating in some activity he probably didn’t care about, when he would much rather stay at home and do other exponentially more pleasant activities with the woman he loved. But Andrea was a social butterfly and needed time with friends, and he had dragged her through enough galas and fundraisers to bore her to death. It was only fair that he agreed to one lousy double date.

He entered the address in the GPS, glancing at his girlfriend.

“What are we doing tonight anyway?” He didn’t remember Andrea mentioning. Honestly, he didn’t have the faintest idea.

“They planned it all by themselves. Said it’s a surprise, only detail being to wear comfortable shoes.” Andrea answered absentmindedly, putting her phone in her purse.

“You’re wearing high heels.” Victor pointed out, reversing the car out of the garage. “Not very comfortable.”

“They’re comfortable!” Andrea argued. “I wasn’t going to wear flats with this dress.”

“It won’t matter once it’s off.” He teased, getting a blush from Andrea.

Soon enough, they had arrived at the address Diane had given then. It was an Argentinian restaurant/dance club. Goldman and Diane were already waiting for them at the door.

“Andy!” Diane threw her arms around Andrea, while Goldman greeted Victor.

“So, our program has suffered a slight modification, and we needed to change some things around.” Goldman opened the door of the restaurant, allowing everyone in.

“I’m sure we won’t notice, since we have no idea what the schedule is.” Victor answered a little more flatly than he wished.

“We were actually planning on having dinner first, but our teacher had an issue and couldn’t come, so we had to ask for a substitute.” Diane informed, as she led them all up some narrow stairs, getting further away from the restaurant.

“Teacher?” Andrea raised her eyebrows, interested. Victor feared what was coming.

“Yes.” Diane beamed at them. “We will be having salsa lessons.”

Andrea’s eyes lit up with excitement, and Victor couldn’t hold back his smile. She positively loved to dance, and more often than not he would find her listening to music while she busied herself with a random chore, her gorgeous body swaying to the beat. Victor didn’t dislike dancing, but he would rather stay in his seat and enjoy a drink than dance. Every time he danced, he did it for Andrea, to see that beautiful smile. Well, and for him, because holding her body to the rhythm of the music was a guilty pleasure of his. Maybe the night wasn’t such a loss. He was looking forward to having her in his arms, on the dance floor and, later… on their bed.

However, his face fell when they entered the room and found some other people there as well. So this wasn’t a private lesson. They were going to share the space and the teacher with complete strangers. Victor looked at Andrea and pursed his lips, which she perfectly knew meant I don’t like this at all. In return, Andrea smiled at him and squeezed his hand, which he knew meant Suck it up. Victor sighed, resigning to his fate. Tonight was about making Andrea happy. He could be happy if she was.

The teacher was a younger version of that tacky Latin singer that sang about living the crazy life, so irrelevant that Victor couldn’t remember his name. Ricky Whatshisface. He introduced himself as Marco, giving Andrea a hyena smile. Victor disliked him from that second.

Andrea took off her jacket, showing off the naked skin of her back. Victor felt an immense satisfaction, foreseeing himself dancing while holding that soft perfumed skin. And later, when he would make her scream only his name. He was also looking forward to that.

The music started and the teacher gave them the basic steps, which Victor followed in detail, wanting to do well in front of his girlfriend. Andrea smiled as she danced in his arms, her movements so fluid and precise that he wondered if this was really her first time dancing salsa. He had a hard time matching his feet to the music beat, and he normally thought of himself as a good dancer. Maybe it was because of her Latin blood; the movement was ingrained in her DNA.

The teacher stopped the music.

“Salsa is more than basic steps.” He spoke with a thick Spanish accent. “Salsa is about feeling. The steps will be worth nothing if you don’t release your inner sexy animal.”

Victor fought the strong urge to roll his eyes.

“For example, take this couple here.” The teacher walked to them, taking Andrea by the hand. “I’m going to show you how you dance.” He told Victor, mimicking his steps. “It’s hard for you because there is no feeling! You are being too technical. Let me show you how to dance with a beautiful woman.”

Victor’s eyes went cold. Fate was testing him in the worst possible way. The music started again and, without any kind of ceremony, the teacher took Andrea in his arms, both swaying their hips in unison, in a very seductive manner. The teacher’s hand rested on her back, his ugly sneaky fingers touching her skin. Victor’s skin. Andrea twirled in his arms, her body moving like it belonged there, making Victor’s blood boil with rage. But that wasn’t the worst of it all: when they stopped moving, Andrea was flushed. No, flushed wasn’t a strong enough word. Andrea’s face matched perfectly the red of her dress. She liked it.

Anger and jealousy stirred inside him, and Victor couldn’t pay attention to the steps anymore. All he could think of was how that scoundrel had touched his woman, how easily he flaunted his prowess before Victor’s eyes, making the CEO look like a fool.

“Is everything ok?” Andrea had worry in her eyes. “You look tense.”

Victor said nothing, fearing the ugly monster that was growing inside him would show up if he dared to open his mouth, which did nothing but make Andrea even more worried.

After the incident, the dance lesson was a total failure. Neither Victor nor Andrea had any fun, a thick heavy and dark fog surrounding them. The teacher took all the students downstairs, while the two of them stayed behind, waiting for Andrea to put on her jacket.

“Will you tell me what’s the matter with you?” Andrea asked with an impatient tone. “You look angry.”

“Well, I think no man likes to see his woman all hot and bothered because of another.” Victor bit back, unable to contain his irritation.

“What are you talking about?” She seemed offended.

“I saw how you looked after you danced with him. You were blushing.” Victor gave her a cold accusatory look. “You enjoyed it.”

“No!” She took a step back, raising her hands defensively. “I blushed, yes, but only because I knew I would be doing all of those things with you. Call it emotional foreplay. It was you I was thinking about.”

“Then why didn't I get the same reaction from you when we danced afterwards?” Victor accused testily.

“Because you looked like you were about to scold me! And you weren’t making an effort at all! It was clear you hated it!” Andrea retorted, her tone indicating she was at her wits’ end. Well, so was Victor.

“I’m not making an effort? What do you call this? Do you think I’m here because I like it?” Unfortunately, Victor only realized the weight of his words the moment he heard them.

“You are free to leave.” Andrea’s voice sounded weaker, defeated. “I’m going to have dinner with our friends. Go find something more pleasant to do, if being here is so uncomfortable for you.”

Victor followed her downstairs in silence to meet the Goldman’s, who were already waiting for them. Obviously, he wouldn’t leave her. He loved her. He wanted to make her happy. And although he felt the jealous beast still very alive inside him, he also felt awful for making her sad.

They entered the restaurant and ordered several dishes from the menu: Tostones, Picadillo, Tamales, Vaca frita, Boliche, and mojitos. They enjoyed the delicious food silently, and for a moment, Victor was able to relax. That is, until Goldman decided to miss a wonderful opportunity to be quiet.

“So, Andrea, Victor told me you two are going olive picking next month in Portugal. I bet you are looking forward to that.” He tried to make small talk.

“Well, I am going. I’m not sure if Victor is,  as I refuse to  force him to do things he doesn’t enjoy.” Andrea answered bitterly. “Besides, I will be seeing a lot of people there, and Victor gets jealous if I take my eyes off him, even for a moment.”

“Bitterness doesn’t become you.” Victor scolded, not approving the exposure of his private life to the table.

“Jealousy doesn’t become you either, yet here we are.” Andrea retorted.

A heavy silence filled the table, until Diane spoke up, a little louder than reasonable.

“Well, at least it’s a reaction! It’s not like some men, who are perfectly fine with other men hitting on their wives. If he’s jealous, it means he loves you.”

“He was not hitting on you.” Goldman never took his eyes off his plate, answering in a calm fashion. “And even if he was, I trust you. Trust is important in any marri-”

“Oh, just take your trust and shove it!” Diane almost screamed, apparently losing her cool.

Victor and Andrea looked at the couple in shock. That was some ugly fight. Diane blushed and, clearing her throat, she composed herself.

“Good food, right?” She offered, silently begging them to forget anything was ever said.

“Very good, yes.” Victor and Andrea hurried to reply, both looking forward to changing the subject as soon as possible.

To the dismay of all involved, the double date was ruined. Between Andrea and Victor’s and Goldman and Diane’s quarrels, there was enough bitterness and irritation around to last for a month. Neither of them had any will to make small talk or engage in it. The best they could wish for was to simply go home and call it a night.

Victor decided he would leave after having a last round of drinks. And he would drag his girlfriend with him, they had some serious talking to do. However, Goldman got up from his seat, turning to Andrea.

“I feel like dancing. Would you like to dance?” Goldman offered his hand to Andrea, who took it without even glancing at Victor.

“Sure, let’s dance. That’s what we came for anyway.” She threw bitterly at Victor.

Once on the dance floor, Andrea seemed lighter. Goldman apparently knew what he was doing, twirling her effortlessly in his arms. Maybe it was a double standard, but Victor was happy that his friend took Andrea to dance. She was laughing, her face holding a pleasantly surprised expression, enthused that Goldman could dance so well. Seeing her laugh made Victor smile. She was so bright when she was happy. She should look like this at all times. Goldman was a good friend, making her light up like that, ensuring her night wasn’t a complete disaster.

The jealous monster turned inside Victor’s chest, bringing all sorts of bitter feelings to surface again. He should be the one making her glow like that, not another man, even if that man was his friend. He should be the one getting that smile out of her. Why was it so hard for him to do it, and yet others did it so easily?

He then noticed Diane, focused on her daiquiri, stewing a monster of her own.

“As changeable is the moon, so is the opinion of a woman.” He spat.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Diane looks at him like she was about to bite his head off. Victor wasn’t impressed.

“It means women are oblivious to what they really want. You want Goldman to feel jealous, Andrea is angry because I got jealous. There is just no winning with women.” Victor twirled the ice cubes in his drink. “No matter what we do, we seem to always do something wrong.”

“You have no idea what you are talking about.” Diane pointed a finger at Victor. “I know Henry loves me, but sometimes he’s too… complacent. He gives me my space, he takes care of me, but sometimes I would like to see more of that fire in the belly! It’s like I’m a task he needs to perform. There is no feeling. I would love to see him all worked up because of another man, at least I would know he cares.” Diane pouted, and Victor felt like laughing at her face. Actually, he couldn’t avoid the sarcastic chuckle.

“Are you dense?” Victor felt the need to defend his friend. “Goldman is completely devoted to you. He’d walk through fire for you. Everything I ask him, he replies with I have to check with Di. He’s not complacent, he wants to see you happy! Since when is that a sign of weakness?”

“Well, you’re one to talk!” Diane spat back, Victor’s worlds apparently fueling the fire of her temper. “You are probably the only one in this restaurant that can’t see that Andrea only has eyes for you! For someone as smart as you are, you can be really dumb sometimes.”

Victor was astounded by her forwardness. He gave her a warning look. Diane was unfazed.

“That’s right, I called you dumb.” Diane dared him to fight back. “Do you realize that since you two started dating, almost a year ago, you are the only thing in her mind? I told her I was planning on taking us dancing, knowing she would love it, and she declined, saying you’d probably enjoy something else better. I was about to humor her, but then I thought, you get your way every single time. She always does the things you like, she always wants to keep you comfortable, because God forbid the almighty CEO be out of his comfort zone, he pouts easily.”

Victor stared at Diane, his eyes wide, unsure what to say. She was right. He was the jealous one, the complicated one, the stiff one. He wanted nothing more than to make her happy, but he could be demanding and picky at times. He was an idiot. Andrea did her best to please him and make him comfortable, and he couldn’t last a single night without complaining.

“We don’t deserve them.” Diane concluded, raising her glass for a sad toast. They both drank, sighing in their misery.

Victor glanced at Andrea, twirling and smiling, happy and carefree. Things had to change if he wanted a lifetime with her. He would have to do better. He would have to be better. Determined, he drank the rest of his drink in one big gulp, then got up.

“Where are you going?” Diane looked up from her drink.

“I am going to dance with my girlfriend.” Victor smiled. “I suggest you take the chance to talk to your husband.”

Victor wondered if he could still remember the steps, as he walked towards the dancing duo. Could he even dance with her at all? He threw his worries to the wind. He would give it his best. That’s all Andrea had asked for anyway. He was actually the one that demanded perfection in all things.

“May I have this dance?” He interrupted them, taking Andrea’s hand. Goldman smiled and walked to the table.

Although she was in a much better mood, it was clear to him that his girlfriend was yet to let the subject go. She let him take her, but she had a stern look on her face, looking up at him, which Victor clearly knew meant You have your chance, don’t ruin it.

“I know I made a mistake, and I am sorry.” Victor spoke in a soft voice, caressing her curls lovingly. “I want all of you to myself. Please don’t hold it against me.”

Andrea eyed him suspiciously, apparently pondering his words. She kept her angry expression, but her eyes softened. Victor felt like smiling, but he stopped himself. This was no time to be cocky.  He wasn’t out of the woods yet.

“Can we please skip to the part where you call me an idiot and we make up?” He pleaded. “I don’t like arguing. I want to enjoy the rest of the evening with you.”

“You want me to call you an idiot?” She smiled at him. “I thought that was your line.”

“This time I’ll let you have it.” He smiled back, seeing her in a better mood. “Because it’s so painstakingly fitting.”

“Well…” She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. “You are my idiot.”

They glanced at their table, seeing Diane and Goldman smiling, holding hands.

“Awww, look at them.” Andrea commented. “Order is finally restored in the world.”

“What if we have a final drink with them, socialize for a while and head home? I still haven’t fully experienced that dress of yours.” He whispered seductively in her ear, taking the chance to discreetly nibble her earlobe.

And before she even had a chance to reply, Victor dipped her in his arms, his breath against her lips, bringing a rosy tint to her perfect cheeks. Now that was the reaction he’d been waiting for all night. He couldn’t wait to get home and put that red dress to good use. It would look stunning, embellishing the dark wooden floors of his bedroom.

[dragonrajafanfiction]

Dragon Dancer Chapter 14: Deal with the Devil

Previous Chapter

Go back to the Beginning

My mind entered a trance . I didn’t see the room or the people in it. I didn’t even see the boy. I only perceived the life force in his body. The dragon blood warred on his body, wrestling with his human side, swallowing it like a snake. The corruption coursing through the boy’s veins was like a weight pushing against me. To stop his conversion was about as difficult as catching a heavy box being tossed from a window and then throwing it back in an immediate reversal!

The child fell, screaming, writhing on the cold metal floor of his confines. My power was like a fire, burning away and wounding the dragon blood, hobbling it so that it could no longer devour his human side. It looked even more painful than I remembered but I did it. He wasn’t turning into a servitor. He was changed. 

The men in lab coats marveled, recording on their devices as the scales vanished and the boy’s eyes returned to normal.

The vision I saw ended. I blinked my eyes, staring at my hand. My joy shone through my smile, the tears in my eyes. 

“I did it…” I whispered.

“Quickly!” The grandmother began barking orders at the people gathered around, “Take a sample!”

The labcoated people sprang into action and entered the cage, brandishing their kits with needles and vials. They were all over him, pinning him down while he was crying. He was looking at me in terror, not relief but I couldn’t help him.

They let him go, once they had all they needed, but kept him in the cage. The boy pulled his shirt over his head to hide his face. While they were distracted by their machines and monitors set up to study the results, I went to the side of the cage to better see him. “Hey.  It’s okay. You’re not going to turn into a monster any more.” I said, reaching through the bars.

I’m pulled away from him by my arm. Anthony glared at me. “Be careful! He might still turn.”

“He won’t turn!” 

Anthony stared at me. “Why are you so surprised? Don’t tell me you’ve never done this before?”

We were both startled by the amazed gasps coming from the medical personnel. The grandmother was nodding and smiling with validation.

A young man who had been hanging back against the wall approached me. “I guess it worked.” There was no joy or celebration in his eyes. They were crimson, like Isaac's. 

"This is Lukas. The boy you healed is Tobias. They are Isaac’s brothers.” Anthony explained.

Guilt dampened my joy, now that I faced more of Isaac’s family. “I wanted… I wanted to help him. Help Isaac…” I whispered. “I can still try to get out of here-”

He stopped me with a wave of his hand. “It’s okay. You can’t change the past.” He kept his eyes on the boy, a pained expression on his face. “Besides, it’s either Isaac or him. It can’t be both. If you save Isaac, who will come to save him later? Won’t you disappear into a time paradox?”

He was right. If Isaac didn’t die, how would I end up here? What would happen to this child?

 He took a shaking breath. “When do you … go back in time?”

“Not for a few more days.”

“Alright. Let’s… not worry about those days. What happened during that time is already fixed.” On Lukas's face there was no bright smile, no self-confidence, only weariness and grief. “Try to figure out what you’re going to do after that.”

The Grandmother was already on the phone, talking rapidly. “I’ve sent you the results. They’re remarkable. A complete reversal.” But then her smile faded. “Yes… yes, I understand. I’m sure once you see the results for you-...” She paused. “Tomorrow? I- yes, yes I can do that? How many will you need?”

The young man watched. “That’s probably Japan on the line. The dragon’s blood serum that we manufacture is actually of their make. The Devil Clan uses it. They’re a whole gang made of unstable hybrids in Japan.”

“I know.” I lowered my eyes.

“You do?” He asked, astonished. 

“I want to help them too. So they don’t die.”

His shock turned to worry. “Alright… you and I need to talk, privately…” He leaned close to my ear. “Pretend to be sick.”

“Ok.” I closed my eyes and went limp against him. 

Anthony’s voice. “Hey! What’s wrong with her!” 

“She needs to lay down.” He was helping me stand up. I didn’t make it easy for him. “No I have it. I’ll take her back to her room.”

Surprisingly, it worked. I resisted the urge to peek, trusting him as he escorted me back down the hall.

“You’re a good actor.” He said once we were out of earshot.

“I … I used to do ballet.” 

He pushed the door to my bedroom open. The servitor eyes watching me in the window saw my escort and immediately shut.

“Hey, that thing… It’s a servitor. Why isn’t it hostile?” I asked.

He locked the door. “Gramma has a connection with it. She has a strong will and the skill to control a servitor. Strong hybrids can actually control weaker ones to an extent, even if they’re not servitors.” He stood in front of me. “Okay, quick, tell me what happened between you and Isaac.”

“He gave me that stuff you manufacture… I went crazy and got stabbed by one of his men. He healed my injury but turned into a monster. I killed him by accident when he attacked me."

He shook his head in denial. “It doesn’t sound like him at all to do that. Dragon's blood is one of our company secrets. He…” He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “I know he always was trying to prove himself to Gramma and the executives. He was under a lot of pressure. It’s hard to explain. This doesn’t mean anything to you.” He let his hand drop. “Knowing what I do now, I can… text him and let him know how I feel. It’s not an opportunity people often get.”

“You’re not going to tell him to stay away from me?” 

 “It won’t matter!” I flinched and he looked apologetic. “Tell me. How do you know the Devil Clan?”

Someone knocked on the door. Anthony spoke behind it, and calmly gave us fifteen more seconds before he had to break in.

“Get in bed.” He turned and opened the door.

I managed to get under the blanket before Anthony saw me. He was followed by a nurse with a kit of needles and vials. I flinched away. “No…”

“Hey, she’s dizzy, leave her alone.” Lukas waved her off of me. “Give her an hour.”

Anthony stepped between him and me. “I’m afraid we must insist. The transaction went through and Herzog wants the eggs tomorrow night.”

“Eggs?” Lukas hissed.

More medical personnel entered. I looked to Lukas for help, for answers. “What… what’s going on?”

They surrounded the bed. The men grabbed my arms and pushed me down. “Get off!” 

As I struggled, I turned my eyes to the window to the monster. It was looking at me  “Hey!”

The eyes in the smoke locked on to mine.

 “Get them off me!” I demanded.

The medical personnel backed away as the servitor oozed through the glass, rising from the floor in a column of dark mist, hissing like a cobra. I rolled out of bed and moved behind it.

Lukas called to me, backing against the wall. “Hey… call it off.  Call it off, I said!”

My anger rose with my heart rate. “What’s the magic word?”

The beast let out a low growl, a long tendril growing from its head and sprouting whip-like protrusions that menaced the people in the room. It was taking orders from me, the stronger Hybrid.

Lukas swallowed. “Please…”

I exhaled and relaxed. The creature paused, and then lowered to the floor, slithering out through the glass and dissipating. The room filled with a fearful silence. No one moved. 

Realizing this was a chance I hadn’t had before, I straightened up a little more, “I want you… to leave me alone. I won’t have any part of this… whatever this is. Whatever you did to that kid. To Isaac. All of it! You hear me!”

The door opened a little farther and the Matriarch came in, calm and slightly amused. Maybe her connection to the Servitor made her aware of the fact that I had wrested control of it from her. 

“I hear you. We’re going to work things out. I’m going to have a very important guest tomorrow.  But don’t worry. I won’t make you work for free. We’re asking a lot from you and I understand that.”

I glanced at the window. The servitor was gone. “Where’s the child I cured?"

“He’s resting comfortably.” She answered, not taking any further steps forward. I backed away anyway. 

“What happens to him now?” “What would you like to happen?” She asked.

“He should go somewhere his family is.” I tried to keep my voice from shaking and failed. “No more cages. No more being locked up!” I looked at the people in the room, searching for some semblance of sympathy. “So he can have a childhood, and be happy and safe. For once in his life. … like I did!”

Her dark eyes were serene as she absorbed my words. “Alright.” She nodded. “That’ll happen. I’ll make it a priority. And in exchange, I’d like your cooperation.” Her eyes looked me up and down. “We can provide you the resources, the expertise, the manpower. You have something we want as well.”

She folded her hands in front of her. “Dr. Herzog has agreed to purchase five of your unfertilized eggs for five hundred million dollars… I could collect them by force, but I’d rather not.”

“Five… hundred million dollars?” I whispered in disbelief.

The Matriarch massaged her temple. “You really don’t understand how precious you are. And how much you mean to the world hybrids. Not just your genes, but the power they contain could save countless lives, and relieve suffering well into the future.” She spoke to me softly, intently. “You are priceless. Five hundred million is nothing. Nothing.”

I shook my head. “I don’t trust you. I’ll believe it when I see it. You’re letting your own grandson die! You’re not that generous, you’re not that kind. The minute I don’t do what you want… you’re going to take it all away. Aren’t you?”

Her smile disappeared, she sighed. “There’s not a lot of people who care for the unstable the way you do. In our society, they’re trash. Garbage. Waste. You know it as well as I do, having read those books… and you’ve seen it. With our help, you can save as many unstable children as you want… Unless you expect someone else to?”

She was right. Nobody cared about Isaac, not even his own family. The man who nearly killed me in Japan said he’d been locked away his whole life. The only reason Tobias was alive was because I had requested from my father the power to heal. No one was looking for a cure. I was the cure.

“Do we have a deal?” The woman asked.

“Even if I say no, you’re going to go through with it anyway.” Tears slip down my face. 

“I’m trying to make this easier on you. I don’t have to.” Her voice softened. “You’ve been kind to my boys. I want to give something back.”

I squeezed my eyes shut and nodded. “Okay.” I whispered.

I walked toward the bed and sat down. Lukas, who had watched the whole thing, balled his hands into fists and left the room. Anthony stayed, but he didn’t look me in the eye. The nurse cautiously approached, looking for any sign of resistance as she inserted the sedative filled needle into my arm. Then she helped me settle against the pillow. I closed my eyes and fell unconscious.

Next Chapter