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kaitidid22 · 1 year

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Fanfic: If These Walls (Conrad/Billie)

Summary: Conrad floats an idea and old insecurities arise for Billie. Plus, Gigi is so stinking cute. (Canon-friendly...I think? Set post season 6.)

A/N: A few caveats here.

Firstly, I haven't watched the finale. I'm nervous about it. I'll watch it tomorrow. So, I have no idea if this is still canon-friendly.

Secondly, I've been sitting on this for a few days. I really did mean to have this out mid-week last week, but I kept second guessing myself on it.

I hope you like it!!

“Can we talk?”

Billie looked up from where she had been staring at the coffee pot with blurry eyes to find Conrad hovering at the edge of the counter, still in pajama pants. The early morning light was dim in the kitchen, and Billie hadn’t bothered turning on any lights when she stumbled downstairs at six-thirty.

She had been in surgery late into the night and had only crawled into bed beside him around one in the morning. He and Gigi had both long been asleep, and Billie had almost gone home instead. But she and Conrad had planned to surprise Gigi with a brunch date—or what Gigi called “fancy breakfast”—at a restaurant the little girl loved the next morning. Billie had decided it made the most sense to go to Conrad’s, even if she would be forced to sneak in and creep up the stairs in the wee hours.

Billie was self-aware enough to know that she had used brunch as an excuse. She could have slept at her own house and told Conrad to call her when he and Gigi were awake. There would have been plenty of time to get back to Conrad’s for the brunch reveal to Gigi. But Billie preferred being in bed with him. There was comfort in hearing his breathing and being able to reach out to touch his back or chest in the dark.

Besides, she had thought to herself the night before. Why have a key if I don’t use it?

The fact that she had still woken up before either Conrad or Gigi, though, pissed Billie off. She hadn’t been able to doze off again, even with her hand against Conrad’s back as he slept peacefully next to her. So, she had stumbled down the stairs, accepting her fate, and flipped on the coffeemaker.

“Good morning,” she said in a sleep-rough voice.

A smile tugged at his lips. “Good morning,” he murmured. He studied her face. “Are you still up for brunch? You look exhausted.”

“You always know just what to say to make a girl feel special,” Billie said. As Conrad laughed under his breath, she added, “I’ll be fine with some coffee. I didn’t want to miss it.”

“How’s your patient?” he asked.

Billie pulled her phone out of the pocket of her robe and opened it to the status update she had received from the ICU staff. She held it out to him, and he studied the page with a furrowed brow.

“Numbers look good,” he said in a soothing tone.

“He’s not awake yet,” Billie countered. “He should have woken up last night.”

Conrad locked the phone and stepped close to slide it back into her pocket. Then he brushed a kiss into the skin of her temple and murmured, “You know it’s not always that simple.”

“I know,” Billie said. “I’m not giving up hope. It’s just… floundering.”

He ran a hand down her hair, and she shut her eyes, letting the comfort flow from his hand and soft touch into the center of her chest. Sometimes, with some cases, nothing anyone could possibly say could make her feel better. But, somehow, Conrad touching her always settled the restlessness in her chest. Not completely, of course. The anxiety would remain until she was sure one way or another how her patient would fair. Closure was important to Billie. Even if closure meant hiding in her office with the lights off and crying. But with one touch or hug, Conrad was always able to turn down the volume of her anxiety to a constant static buzz instead of blaring sirens.

The coffeemaker beeped to let her know it was finished brewing. The sound caused Billie to stir, and Conrad’s hand fell away as he moved to the cabinet to grab his own mug. She frowned, suddenly remembering what he had said when he joined her in the kitchen.

“Sorry, what did you want to talk about?”

“We can talk about it after brunch,” he said, lips curved upwards in a gentle expression.

Her frown only deepened as nerves burst to life in her stomach. He poured coffee into their mugs, her first and then himself, before opening the fridge and pulling out the milk for her.

“Is this because of last night?” she asked, ignoring the milk.

Confusion had him squinting at her, but he opened the milk himself and poured some in her coffee. “Last night?” he repeated in question.

“Because I came here instead of going home,” she explained. She sighed and ate the crow. “I’m sorry I did that without talking to you about it. I thought about having you call me when you woke up—”

“I’m glad you came here,” he interrupted.

“Oh.” Then what… Her brain stalled out, though, failing to supply any sort of explanation.

He folded his arms over his chest and faced her, leaning a hip against the counter. “Drink your coffee.”

She picked up her mug. “Right.”

“I kind of wanted you to be awake for this discussion,” he said. He looked amused.

“I’m awake.”

“You’re really not.”

“I am,” she insisted. “Besides, I’m going to drive myself crazy wondering if you don’t just tell me what’s going on.”

He blew out a breath. “Yeah, I get that. I just… wanted to open the dialogue.”

“Okay,” she said. “About?”

He hesitated, then gestured to the living room. “Let’s sit down.”

Billie trailed after him to the couch and settled in the corner like she always did, surprised when he settled in the other corner instead of next to her. Six feet was left lying between them. She studied his face with growing fear. He looked… Was Conrad nervous?

“Okay,” she said, when he didn’t speak. “We’re sitting. Open the dialogue about what?”

“Moving in.”

“Moving in where?” she asked, stupid with exhaustion.

“Moving in together. It doesn’t have to be here.” His eyes flew around the room as if he had never seen it before. “Your place is bigger.”

And it was. Her place had three bedrooms, with a den, living room, and an eat-in kitchen, as well as a separate dining room.

“But I don’t have any furniture,” she said.

Conrad chuckled. “Drink your coffee,” he said again.

She took a sip. Her brain was trying to catch up—it really, truly was.

“We’ve only been dating for three months,” she said.

“So, that’s true,” he admitted. But he had a steel edge to his tone that told her he had anticipated this point and prepared a rebuttal. “But if you count all the time we spent together before that—”

“As friends,” she interrupted.

“Billie.”

“What?” she asked, feeling her cheeks heat at his chiding expression and gentle, almost pitying, tone.

“We hadn’t been just friends for a very long time even before I kissed you on your porch,” he said. “I had been in love with you for… I don’t even know how long.”

Two years, seven months, and six days, her brain supplied.

Not that Billie could pinpoint the exact moment she had fallen in love with Conrad. But she did know the exact moment she had realized she was in love with him, and her brain had sort of been in countdown mode ever since.

“True,” Billie conceded, brain finally chugging along as the caffeine began to sink in. “But we weren’t dating, Conrad. You were, in fact, dating Cade for about nine months prior to that kiss.” He winced, and she sighed. “I’m not trying to give you a hard time. I just want us to be on the same page.”

“We are,” he assured her, the words quiet as he stared at the rug.

“Do you actually want to move in together?” she asked him. She kept her tone as gentle as possible, but even though her brain was working again she was still shocked. “How long have you been thinking about this?”

He hesitated, and she held up a hand. “Wait. Sorry. We need to back up.”

“Okay,” he said. “Where do you want to start?”

She opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again. Her brain spun its wheels in mud going around and around the same points. Finally, she said, “I have no idea.”

She laughed, putting a hand to her forehead as if holding her head together. His gaze was affectionate, and part of her wanted to crawl across the couch into his lap and kiss him senseless.

“Okay, first,” she said. “I really am happy you brought this up.”

His shoulders eased, and the crinkles she loved so much fanned out from the corners of his eyes. “Good.”

“Second,” she said. “How long have you been thinking about this?”

He laughed, smothering the sound behind his hand. “Awhile,” he admitted.

“What’s awhile? Two days? A week? Eighteen years?” she joked.

“A few weeks.”

Her jaw dropped open. “Weeks? We’ve only been dating a few weeks.”

“Uh-huh,” he said, avoiding her eyes as he took a sip of coffee.

“Hawkins,” she said. His eyes flicked to her before settling on his coffee again. “Talk to me.”

“We said it already, Billie. This just feels right. I’ve only been in one other relationship that felt this right, and you can’t tell me that this doesn’t feel different to you, too.”

Her chest ached at the reference to Nic, albeit vague and roundabout. They rarely talked about her anymore. Not because they were avoiding it, but because Nic had ceased being a part of their daily lives and thoughts.

Part of Billie hated that and railed against it, even as she knew it was completely natural. They had over five years’ worth of experiences since Nic’s death. Five years, half a decade, was such a long time. Longer in years than Nic and Conrad had been together. Nearly all of Gigi’s life. And half the length of time Billie had known Conrad.

And, yet, a piece of Billie would always think of Conrad’s place as Nic’s house. He had chosen it with Nic in mind, for the two of them, and Nic had moved mountains to make sure they got it after letting it go the first time. And that thought triggered a cement wall to slam into place between Billie and Conrad on the couch.

“Why do we keep doing everything out of order?” Billie muttered.

“There isn’t really a proper order,” Conrad pointed out, sounding almost hurt by the words. “And who are we answering to?”

Nic.

“No,” Billie said quickly, despising that she had hurt him, however unintentional that hurt had been. “That’s not what I meant. I just meant…” She licked her lips and hesitated for a long minute before saying, “I don’t know what I meant.”

The words were murmured, almost too quiet for him to hear, and she knew it was a cop out. But she felt trapped by old insecurities and frozen—in place, in time, sitting on Nic’s couch, talking to Nic’s husband about how right their connection was.

And she knew that looking at it through that lens wasn’t the full story, just a distorted view of everything that had grown between them. And she also knew that others—people who hadn’t walked next to them through the past five years—would judge and talk and say things that she prayed Gigi never heard.

And Billie had told herself that none of it mattered. She had spent a lifetime either ignoring, dodging, or combatting preconceived biases. She could do it here, too. She could do it for Conrad and Gigi and a chance at the life she so very much wanted for herself.

But this… Nic’s house… She forced the thoughts to silence.

“There’s no pressure here, no timeline,” Conrad said, and she could feel that he didn’t believe her lie. “Like I said, I just wanted to open the dialogue.”

She nodded, the movement jerky. “I’m going to go take a shower,” she said and fled.

At brunch, Conrad, Billie, and Gigi’s server was a young woman who adored Gigi on sight. The feeling was clearly mutual as Gigi began babbling as soon as their server seated them. She made the server go over the entire specials list twice, asking Billie for explanations where words were new to her.

“What are grits?” Gigi asked.

“You’ve had grits, sweetie. You didn’t like them,” Billie said, eyes still on her menu. “They’re yellowish beige and creamy? Kind of cheesy.”

“Oh yeah!” Gigi said. “I don’t like grits.”

“No, you don’t,” Conrad said. “But you like waffles.”

“I love waffles,” Gigi said, addressing the server.

“What about those pecan praline pancakes?” the server said in a sweet voice. “How did those sound?”

Gigi looked at Conrad, who gave her a significant look. “That sounds like an option, Bubble.”

Then Gigi turned to Billie. “Do I like pralines?” she whispered, with big, earnest eyes.

Out of the corner of her eye, Billie saw Conrad and the server exchange amused glances. Ignoring them, she leaned close to the little girl. “You love pralines.”

Gigi popped upright with a wide grin. “That sounds good!”

The server nodded and jotted it down on her order pad. Billie dropped her eyes back to the menu and asked, “Could we both do a glass of the mango orange juice?”

“Of course,” the server murmured.

“And coffee,” Conrad added.

Billie nodded absently as she scanned the menu. “Can you bring a side of the breakfast potatoes, too?” She looked up at Conrad and tilted her head towards Gigi. “Those pancakes are going to be so sweet.”

His brow furrowed. “Maybe the sausage instead. Or both. Both?”

Billie shrugged. “She can’t live on carbs and sugar alone.”

“I can’t?” Gigi asked.

“I mean, you could,” Conrad said, with a shrug. “But you wouldn’t be happy for long.”

“I think I’d be happy for a really long time,” Gigi told them all.

“You’d also be bouncing off the walls,” Billie said. “Gotta soak up that sugar somehow.”

“Let’s go with both,” Conrad said to the server.

The server nodded, writing as they spoke. When they trailed off, she waited, pen poised, and then glanced up when they remained silent. “And what can I get for you two?”

“Oh,” they both said, raising the menus again.

“They’re going to split things,” Gigi said in a resigned voice. “They always split things.”

The server nodded conspiratorially. “My moms do that, too. It’s a parent thing.”

Gigi sighed with great drama. Meanwhile, Billie’s blood ran cold, and her chest squeezed with longing. A lump rose in her throat as her eyes ran over the menu, desperately trying to choose something, and she took a sip from her water glass to cover the moment.

“I’ll have the huevos con migas,” she heard Conrad say.

Billie loved huevos con migas. Why did he always do this to her? Why was he so sweet? Huevos con migas wasn’t his favorite. What was his favorite? None of the words seemed recognizable through the haze in her vision.

Billie felt Conrad’s eyes on her like a brand against her forehead, but she kept her gaze firmly on the menu. Finally, her eyes tripped over words that made sense to her addled mind.

“I’ll have the baked eggs,” she said, holding her and Gigi’s menus out to the server.

“Absolutely,” the server said, still smiling easily with no idea of what a bomb she had just dropped on the table.

“Oh,” Billie said, her brow furrowing. “Wait. Can we do those without mushrooms?”

The server nodded. “No problem at all.”

“I hate mushrooms,” Conrad explained to the server, tone easy as he lounged back in his chair.

Billie’s cheeks heated.

“How come Daddy gets to not eat vegetables?” Gigi asked.

“Oh boy,” Conrad said, though he was grinning at his daughter, love written all over his face.

“I’ll be back with your coffee and juice in a minute,” the server said, trying to hide a smile.

“Thank you,” Conrad called after her, and Billie was amused to see the server blush.

Her heartrate was slowly returning to normal after the parents joke, which Conrad hadn’t refuted. Of course, neither had Billie. Gigi hadn’t been bothered. But the mistake had been made before when the three of them were together. Billie was too maternal with Gigi—and Gigi adored Billie too much—for it to never cross strangers’ minds.

Billie had boosted Gigi higher on her hip, resisting the urge to check the time on her phone. But the barista had been flirting with each of the customers as they reached his register—thrilling the blue-haired old biddies to no end—and the elongated conversations had resulted in an extreme amount of tips and Billie’s patience dying a thousand deaths.

No one is in your way, she had told her brain for the thirteenth time since they had joined the end of the line. Everyone deserves coffee just as much as you.

“I’m so sorry to bother you, but your daughter is gorgeous,” the woman—old enough to be Billie’s grandmother, let alone Gigi’s—had said, wiggling her fingers at the one-year-old.

Gigi had hidden her sweet, tiny face against Billie’s neck, wet fingers sliding in and out of her mouth as the woman had continued to stare. Billie had frozen in place, smile brittle, and it had felt like her face would crack in half. Her brain had stalled out.

Nic had been dead three months. Only three months and strangers had already assigned her daughter a new mother.

“She’s not mine,” Billie had said, voice flinty enough that the woman’s smile had wavered.

She doesn’t know, her brain had yelled at her in a panic.

Billie had never felt so grateful for all the years she had spent perfecting her poker face with the surface smile that never reached her eyes. She had let it smooth over her features, erasing the lines of tension around her eyes and mouth. And she had seen the woman’s posture loosen, smile coming back as if Billie had laid out the welcome mat.

“She’s my goddaughter,” Billie had finished. “We’re having a girls’ day.”

The woman had seemed even more taken with Gigi then. As if the idea of a godmother fostering a solo relationship with her goddaughter had been limited to a bygone era. And maybe it had been. To be fair, Billie had only taken Gigi solo once before Nic had died.

But Conrad had gone to a job interview that morning for a concierge service. His sitter had cancelled due to a stomach flu at the last minute. His father, Marshall, had been in Dubai—the lord only knew why this time; Billie had stopped keeping track—and Conrad had called her in a panic, spitting out all the words in a flurry over the phone line.

“I’ll be there in thirty minutes,” Billie had said, even though he had woken her from a deep sleep.

Silence had stretched on the other side of the phone, and Billie had frowned, about to ask if they had lost the connection. Then Conrad had cleared his throat. “Actually, I’m standing outside your door.”

As if to highlight that point, he had rung the apartment’s bell. Billie had blinked, wondering how he had gotten past the doorman and security guard of her high rise. All guests had to be announced. And then she had remembered: when she had added Nic’s name to the security clearance list, she had also added Conrad’s. At the time, she had never thought he would have cause to come to her apartment alone. But it had seemed better to be safe than sorry.

“If you laugh at my hair, I will kill you,” Billie had said.

“You’re a hero,” she had heard him say as she hung up on him.

And, so, she had yanked off her bonnet, thrown on a robe, and met Conrad at the door. Without much more than a thank you, Conrad had shoved Gigi into Billie’s arms, told Billie the baby had eaten, tossed the diaper bag on the couch, squeezed Billie’s shoulder, kissed the baby, and run back out the door. Within ten seconds, Conrad had been gone, and Billie had been staring into Gigi’s happy eyes.

“Well,” Billie had said in the empty stillness of the apartment after he had gone. “I guess we’re going to have a ladies’ day, my sweet baby.”

Gigi had gurgled at her. Love had welled in Billie’s chest, and she had pressed a kiss to the little girl’s cheek. Then she had taken a surreptitious sniff of baby head and sighed in contentment.

“Let’s go do my hair, huh?” Billie had said to Gigi in an overly excited voice.

Gigi had giggled. The baby had remained thoroughly entertained by the ongoing commentary as Billie had used a heated round brush to smooth out her hair. Then Gigi had helped Billie pick out an outfit by pointing at random—completely unrelated—pieces of clothing. (Billie had sweet-talked Gigi into letting Billie wear a sundress instead.)

And that was how they had found themselves at the coffeeshop conveniently located in the ground floor retail space of Billie’s apartment building during the mid-morning, blue-hair rush.

The woman had turned to look over shoulder. “Maude,” she had said. “Maude, come here.”

Another older lady had come over. “Oh,” she had said on a gasp. “She’s beautiful.”

To be fair, Gigi had been rocking a bow the size of her face, thanks to her father. But Billie had still wondered if she should remind the women not to assume. And then she had decided she didn’t want the conversation to continue that long pre-coffee.

“Thank you,” Billie had said.

The first woman had nudged the other with her elbow. When Maude had glanced over in askance, the woman had said, “Godmother.”

“Oh, bless her,” Maude had said, grabbing at her chest. “You’re an angel.”

Billie—thoroughly uncomfortable—had licked her lips. Over the women’s shoulders, she had caught the barista’s eye, and he had nodded his head in recognition. Quickly counting the line as a group of women had moved to the side, she had found herself to be third from the front.

So close, Billie had thought to herself.

“It’s nothing,” Billie had said to them. “She’s my favorite little person.”

“Are you giving her parents a little time to themselves?” Maude had asked with a wink.

“Maude,” the first woman had said, scandalized. “You have no boundaries.” She had looked back at Billie. “She has no boundaries.”

Billie had been distracted by the pain that had suffused every inch of her, pumping through her veins. God how she wished she had been giving Nic and Conrad a day to themselves. She would have traded anything for that to be true. Instead, Conrad had been off trying to find a job that would allow him to single parent a one-year-old.

This time, she hadn’t been able to control the way her eyes welled up. The women’s faces had stiffened as they had studied her, and then they had both tilted their heads to the side with identical sympathetic expressions. And Billie had realized that, somehow, the women had known, had seen the pall of loss that hovered over every aspect of Billie’s life and visage, and known.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Maude had said in an impossibly soft voice. Her hand had reached out and squeezed Billie’s wrist. She had given Billie a stern look. “You’re going to be fine.”

The first woman—whose name Billie never did get—had added, “And so will she,” nodding at Gigi.

And Billie had found herself nodding in jerky agreement, though she would never be sure why, cupping a hand behind Gigi’s head and cuddling the little girl closer. The women had each silently patted her one more time, and then they had walked away, giving Billie the space she had so desperately needed to get herself back under control.

That had been the first time. The worst time, if she was being honest with herself, which Billie tried to be these days. Each subsequent mistake of maternity—as well meant as they all were—had been a little bit easier to handle.

But none of them had happened after she and Conrad had started dating. It was like a new first. And neither of them—not Conrad and not Gigi—had even reacted. Billie couldn’t figure out what to do with that, how to reconcile that against the guilt beating through her chest.

“So,” Conrad said, in that voice he had when he was being goofy. The one that cracked on a high note at the end of his sentences.

God Billie loved him.

“The whole Daddy hates vegetables trick,” Conrad finished. “I see through you, Giorgiana Grace.”

Billie watched Gigi try to fight her smile by staring at the table and avoiding looking at her father.

“Besides, everybody knows that you can veto one vegetable in life,” Conrad said. “Mine is mushrooms.”

“That’s true,” Billie said. “Everyone gets one veto.”

“But you have to use it carefully,” Conrad told Gigi.

Billie nodded. “Because you only get one.”

All trace of amusement had been swept from Gigi’s face. Her serious eyes looked from Conrad to Billie and back again, clearly trying to figure out if they were messing with her. Billie and Conrad stared back at her, waiting for her next question.

Gigi’s eyes settled on Billie. “What’s your vegetable veto?”

“I haven’t decided yet,” Billie said, keeping her tone calm. “It’s a big decision.”

The server came back to the table with their coffee and juices. “Your food will be right out,” she said.

“Thank you,” Billie told her before turning to Gigi. “Have some of your juice, sweetie.”

Gigi obliged, though her face was still screwed up in concentration. She drank deeply from the small cup. “So, I only get one,” Gigi said to confirm.

Billie’s eyes flicked up to Conrad, looking at him from under her lashes in the hopes that Gigi wouldn’t notice. Those crinkles she loved were fanning out from the corners of his eyes.

“You don’t have to pick now,” Conrad told his daughter.

Gigi nodded with a contemplative expression. She frowned at the white linen tablecloth.

“You could choose mushrooms, too,” Billie said.

Gigi shook her head. “I like mushrooms.”

“Do you, though?” Conrad asked.

Gigi glared at him. “Yes,” she said, firm. “Billie and I get mushrooms on pizza, and I like them.”

Conrad raised his eyebrows at Billie. Defiantly, she jerked her chin higher and shrugged one shoulder. “You aren’t there, and mushrooms are delicious. What’s the problem?”

“Are you teaching my daughter to like mushrooms?” Conrad asked in shock. “Betrayal.”

“And pesto,” Billie said.

Gigi’s face lit up. “I like pesto!”

“Seriously?” Conrad asked, still in shock. Billie knew he appreciated a good pesto, but it was an awful lot of green for a small child, so she understood the surprise.

Billie held onto the defiance for a few more moments and then deflated. “I let her dip it in ranch,” she admitted. “I really wanted pesto that night.”

Conrad burst into laughter that had the other restaurant patrons glancing at them in indulgent amusement. Conrad held up a hand in apology to the room before rubbing it down his face to physically wipe away his glee.

“What’s so funny?” Gigi asked.

“Nothing, sweetie,” Billie said. “Hey, didn’t you say you had homework this weekend?”

“Yeah,” Gigi said, slumping a little in her booster seat.

“Did you show Aunt Billie your math workbook?” Conrad asked.

“No,” Billie said. She glanced between them. “Why?”

“Because Common Core is going to blow your mind,” Conrad said. “And I kind of want to be there when you see it.”

Billie’s lips twitched. But before she could respond, the server was back with their food.

Within thirty seconds of getting her giant platter of pancakes with its teeny tiny pitcher of the praline syrup, Gigi had spilled the syrup across the table and into Billie’s lap. Gigi’s big eyes widened to saucers, and Conrad quickly stood to mop up the mess with his napkin. Their server dashed away, returning quickly with a cup of water and another clean napkin.

“Here,” the server said, soaking the corner and handing it to Billie.

Billie smiled up at the young woman, taking the dampened cloth. “Thank you. I appreciate it.”

She finished soaking up what she could with her own napkin. And then Billie began to dab at the pant leg with the wet corner. She didn’t think she was making any progress, but with everyone hovering and watching she felt like she had to try.

“I’m sorry, Billie,” Gigi said, bottom lip trembling.

Billie smiled gently, looking up from the syrup stain. Billie suspected it was the attention that had cued Gigi into the situation being bad. She hoped Gigi knew Billie would never be angry about an accident, but, again, everyone was hovering and watching with careful eyes. That was enough to let any little girl know mistakes had been made.

“Did you do it on purpose? Was it a personal attack against my pants?” Billie asked. “I knew it. You’ve always hated these pants.”

Gigi giggled. “I don’t hate your pants.”

“Are you sure?” Billie asked with exaggerated suspicion. She heard Conrad chuckle, and he stopped leaning over the table to sit back in his chair.

“I’m sure!” Gigi cried.

“Fine, fine. I believe you,” Billie said. “And it’s okay. It’s not a big deal, sweetie. Eat your pancakes before they get cold.”

“Eat your eggs, Billie,” Conrad countered.

“Eat your sausage, Daddy,” Gigi added, clearly believing they were just naming things on the table.

The server was still hovering with uncertainty, so Billie turned to her. “Could we get another teeny pitcher? I think she salvaged some of it. But…” Billie gestured at the table and her pants.

“Of course, I’ll get you a fresh napkin, too,” the server said. But when she stood, she hovered for a moment, shy. And then she said, “You have a wonderful family.”

Billie opened her mouth, determined to correct her this time, but Conrad said, “Thank you.”

And Billie squeezed her eyes shut as she fought back the flood of emotions. When she opened her eyes, he was teasing Gigi by pretending to steal her pancakes. As if the moment hadn’t happened. As if it was no big deal.

When he caught her watching him, he pushed his plate into the middle of the table with a smile, a silent invitation to dig in, and turned back to his daughter.

God Billie loved him.

Arriving home after brunch, Conrad unlocked the front door, and Gigi darted inside as hopped up on sugar as they had feared. She moved so fast that Billie barely saw Gigi hit the stairs.

“Upstairs, young lady,” Conrad said in a booming voice. “I want to hear the wheels of academia turning!”

“The wheels of academia?” Billie repeated as Gigi’s giggle echoed back down the stairs.

“She has homework,” Conrad said, as if that explained everything.

Affection swamped her chest, making her cheeks heat and her fingertips tingle. Conrad’s grin was bashful, but he winked at her as he held out a hand for her jacket. She ignored the outstretched fingers for a moment and stepped into his personal space, laying her hands against his chest and brushing her mouth against his.

He let her lead, responding with gentle brushes of his lips to hers. And when she eased away again, he let her go without chasing.

“Thanks for brunch,” she whispered, an inch or two away from his mouth.

“Uh-huh,” he murmured, sounding a little dazed.

As she smiled up at him, though, he came back to himself. He kissed her forehead as he slid his hands over her collarbone and up under her jacket to slide it down her bare arms. She managed to silence the hum of pleasure that rose in her throat as his palms skimmed her skin.

When the material cleared her fingertips, he leaned past her to get a hanger from the coat closet behind her. Billie took advantage of the new position to kiss his neck gently.

“Behave yourself,” he said, a thread of humor in the low tone of his voice, despite the edge she could hear starting to inch in. “My daughter is upstairs and very much awake.”

“I’m not doing anything,” Billie said sweetly.

His hands were busy putting the coat on the hangar behind her, one arm on either side of her body, and she took advantage again, pressing closer to his chest. And it really wasn’t her fault since his neck was right there, so, of course, she brushed her lips over the tender place where his neck met his shoulder.

“Definitely not doing anything,” he agreed.

She swallowed a giggle and let her hands slide from his chest over his ribs and down to curl around his waist. Conrad’s hands stopped with the rustling fabric, and she heard the quiet click of the metal hook of the hangar settling on the clothing rod. Then the door snicked shut behind her, and Conrad pushed her against it. A hand slid into her hair to cushion her head from the wooden door. But he didn’t pause, didn’t speak again, before his mouth captured hers in a rough, open-mouthed onslaught of lips and teeth and tongue.

Conrad tended towards gentle and romantic, taking each step in his seduction very slowly, very seriously. It had become almost a game to Billie, seeing if she could push him to his limit.

She felt a surge of victory as one of his hands wrapped around the outside of her thigh and yanked it up to his hip. The move let him push even closer to her body, sealing them together, and her fingers convulsed, squeezing the flesh of his sides and the chambray button up that separated them.

The fingers in her hair tightened into a fist, and the sudden flash of pain, as small as it was, made her gasp against his mouth. Immediately, he broke the kiss as his fingers unclenched, and he rubbed her head where he had accidentally yanked at her scalp.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, eyes locked on hers. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she said, meaning it, knowing he would never hurt her on purpose.

She drew one hand up from his waist to wrap around the back of his neck and urge him closer, wanting his mouth back on hers more than she wanted air. He came willingly, and this kiss was gentler than the previous had been—but no less intense. His fingers, still on the outside of her thigh, tightened and squeezed. Her hand gently stroked the skin of his neck.

When he pulled back a second time, he nuzzled under her jaw and kissed the sensitive skin, sending tingles running through her body that curled her toes.

“We have to stop,” he said, murmuring the words into her skin.

She whimpered and dropped her head back against the door with a thunk. “I know.”

“Tonight,” he said. Then he swore under his breath. “That’s so many hours away.”

Billie couldn’t help but laugh at the dread in his voice. Conrad pulled back to look her in the eye, crinkles fanning out from the corners of his own.

“You think my pain is oh so funny, huh?”

“Your pain?” she repeated, incredulous. “What about my pain?”

“You started this,” he teased.

“Me?” she shrieked.

“Shh,” he hushed her, but his eyes were dancing. “Gigi’s going to hear you.”

They laughed, still pressed against the door and each other. As their laughter faded, they leaned their foreheads together, quietly breathing in each other’s air as their heartbeats settled back to their normal rhythms. With their bodies so tightly together, Billie could feel Conrad’s heart like it was her own.

After a few minutes of silence, Conrad said, “You should soak these.”

Billie glanced down to where his thumb was stroking the syrup stain on her thigh. “I think they’re a lost cause. They’re dry clean only.”

He swore under his breath. “I’m sorry.”

“They’re just pants,” Billie said, shrugging one shoulder. “No big deal.”

He hesitated before asking, “Do you need to go get more clothes for the week?”

He meant from her own home. And the reminder of their early morning conversation was like having cold water splashed on her. She didn’t mean to stiffen in his arms, but she did, and she knew he felt it.

“Yeah,” she murmured, tugging her thigh out of his hand and straightening. “I should actually… probably sleep there tonight. I have things I need to take care of.”

He let her go without protest and said, “Okay.”

But he brushed a kiss against her cheek before stepping back away from her. Immediately, she felt cold, even in the rising humidity of Georgia summer.

Billie pushed her front door open and stepped into the entryway, setting the bag of takeout on the console table so that she could hang up her purse. The house was quiet, with a slight chill despite the eighty-degree evening, as if it had been closed up and shuttered for weeks without human life or even sunlight entering.

Billie felt that was unfair. She had slept there the night before and only left for work that morning.

“I was only gone eleven hours,” she snapped at the empty, judge-y air.

Feeling foolish, she snatched the bag of takeout off the console and marched into the dining room. Her table—the same one she had purchased for her downtown high-rise—sat lonely in the large space. The dining room was designed for a long table with at least eight chairs, like the one Conrad had at home. Instead, she had a small, circular table that fit four at a squeeze.

But her whole house was like that, really. She had purchased it only a few months before she and Conrad had begun dating and had procrastinated on decorating. The only rooms that felt lived in were her bedroom and the living room. The apartment had been a one-bedroom, and she hadn’t invested in anything new since she had arrived in the much larger house.

Even Gigi had teased Billie about it after she moved in. Conrad and his daughter had come over for dinner on Billie’s first night in the new house, and Gigi had spent most of the evening in the empty den—not just lightly furnished, but honest-to-Betsy empty—doing cartwheels and somersaults.

“Are you going to keep it empty forever?” Gigi had asked.

“Unlikely, sweetie,” Billie had said.

She and Conrad had been leaning against the jamb on either side of the door.

“She’s going to have to furnish it eventually,” Conrad had said.

“What’s furnish?” Gigi had called to them, taking another tumbling course across the middle of the room.

“You know furnish,” Conrad had teased his daughter.

“It just means to put furniture in a place,” Billie had said.

Conrad had jabbed her lightly with his elbow. “You always ruin my fun.”

Billie had jabbed him back. “Don’t tease your daughter so much and maybe I won’t.”

Gigi had finished her cartwheels and run over to them. “Why don’t you have furniture?” Gigi had asked, slightly out of breath.

Billie had been impressed, though she hadn’t said so. If she had been the one tumbling around the den, she would have been dizzy as hell, but Gigi had seemed unfazed.

“I haven’t bought it yet,” Billie had said, wrinkling her nose in a slightly embarrassed expression.

“Right,” Gigi had said. “But why?”

Billie had opened her mouth to respond and then shut it again. She could have explained that furnishing a house took time and money, but Gigi already had a vague idea that Billie was rich—which she was—and Billie had suspected the little girl would dispute that argument. And Gigi would have been right to do so.

Billie had known for months that she was moving into the house. She had specifically timed it so that it coincided with the end of her apartment lease. There had been plenty of time for Billie to pick out rugs or a love seat to create a cozy sitting room. Or maybe some bookshelves and a desk to carve out an office space. Or she could pick out a flat screen and some folding seats to create a home theater.

So, why the hell don’t I have furniture? she had wondered to herself. What the hell is this room even going to be?

As her brain had swirled through all the potential rooms, none of which had felt like hers, Billie had felt her expression grow troubled. Conrad had straightened next to her.

“Why don’t we go eat?” Conrad had asked, intervening. He had held out a hand to Gigi, who took it without another word. Then he had glanced at Billie, with an overly concerned expression. “You do have a table, right?”

She had shoved his shoulder towards the dining room as Conrad and Gigi had laughed. “Move it, rascals.”

And, yet, nearly nine months later, Billie was still eating at a tiny table in a mostly empty home.

Billie liked to tell herself she had just been busy—which had been true the first few months she had lived there. The hospital had been swamped and understaffed due to the lack of funds, and then Billie had been devoting a large chunk of time helping Kit’s fundraising team drum up more money for Chastain.

Another part of the truth, though, was that she and Conrad had started dating. And when they had started dating, Billie had started spending three or four nights a week at Conrad’s and that had very quickly morphed into five or six, sometimes seven.

With a pang, Billie wondered what Gigi and Conrad were having for dinner. He had texted her, inviting her to join them, but she had begged off. She had told him she had reams of paperwork to get through that night, given a bus crash that had flooded the OR.

And it was true. But it wasn’t true enough that she should be hiding in her echoing dining room with its too small table instead of trading bites with Gigi of whatever Conrad had prepared.

Billie forced her thoughts back to the house. What was the point of having furniture when she was never there to use it? But it left Billie’s perfectly lovely house feeling like an empty, echoing cavern.

Conrad and Gigi’s felt like a home. Billie’s felt like a…well, a house.

And the other part of the truth, the part that Billie didn’t like to think about, was why she had bought the house.

The house had been an effort to create space in her life for the family she had finally admitted she wanted. The complicated part was that the family Billie wanted was Conrad and Gigi, and she had wanted them for a long time. But Billie had decided that she needed to accept that was impossible, which had been heartbreaking and a constant struggle, but one she knew she needed to work through to get to the other side. And she also knew that, eventually, she would open herself up to someone new. After all, Conrad had proven to her that she could. And she wanted it. She wanted love and a partner and maybe even a kid or two—though she was still on the fence about the last.

The purchase of the house had been an investment in a future that Billie hadn’t truly wanted at the time but that she had hoped she would grow into. Like a pair of pants or a bottle of wine that needed to age.

So, of course Billie hadn’t wanted to furnish it. She had barely wanted to live there.

When she had begged off of dinner that afternoon, the bubble of three dots that indicated Conrad was typing back had appeared almost immediately. She had watched them blink on the screen, then disappear, then appear again, over and over for several minutes. She had stayed glued to the screen hoping against hope that whatever he said would have been enough to fix all of it. Which was unfair. And not his burden.

When he still seemed to be struggling after a few minutes, she had typed out “I love you” and locked the phone, setting it aside. She hadn’t dared to look at it again until leaving for the night, and she had finally seen that he had responded with “I love you, too. Tomorrow?” And her heart had leapt into her throat, and she had written back “Yes” before she could talk herself out of it.

Stop thinking about Conrad and Gigi, Billie ordered herself and set about unpacking her takeout.

She wasn’t avoiding Conrad. She was avoiding the conversation they needed to have. But she missed him like she imagined it felt to miss air. Or maybe it was more like dehydration—slowly drying out, feeling every painful crack opening in her flesh the longer she went without him.

But she didn’t know how to say everything that was battering around in her mind. None of it felt fair for him to deal with. It wasn’t his job to remind her that Nic would be proud of her or that Nic would approve of her choices. That was Billie’s role, her job. She couldn’t ask him for that.

Between the two of them, Conrad had lost more, so Billie needed to take less. That was just how it was.

You have to stop, her brain begged her.

Stop what? Admitting the truth?

You didn’t steal anything, her brain screamed back.

Billie resisted the urge to throw her takeout containers across the room to silence the voices arguing in her mind. Instead, she pulled the foil package towards her and carefully opened it as the scents of garlic and warm bread wafted up to her nose.

That night, she had indulged in her comfort food favorites from Curry A-Go-Go downtown: spicy butter chicken and saag paneer, with an order of garlic naan. If she was spending another cold, lonely night at home, she was absolutely going to allow herself to reek of garlic.

The smell of garlic was going to come out her damn pores.

“Can we have pizza for dinner?” Gigi asked as she and Billie waited on the front porch for Conrad to unlock the door.

“Not tonight, sweetie,” Billie said, eyeing the bags of groceries in her and Conrad’s arms. Trying to cut off a potential tantrum—not that Gigi was prone to them, but still—she added, “But we could have a DIY pizza night this weekend?”

“What’s a DIY pizza night?” Gigi asked, tiny nose scrunched up.

“It’s a night where Dad gets a break from cooking,” Conrad said, pushing the door open and letting Gigi and Billie file inside in front of him.

“I’m too young to cook,” Gigi said. “You told me never to turn on the stove.”

Billie bit back a smile.

“You’re never too young to take over the chores,” Conrad told her, ignoring his daughter’s very valid point.

Gigi rolled her eyes. “I’m a kid. You’re a dad. You’re supposed to cook,” she said, stressing the word.

“But pizza night is fun,” Billie told her, trailing after Gigi as the little girl skipped down the hallway to the open plan kitchen. “You get to roll out the dough and put all the toppings on. You can pick exactly what goes on your pizza.”

“Whatever I want?” Gigi asked as Billie set her bag of groceries on the island.

“Whatever you want,” Billie promised.

“Even if I want pineapple?”

“Sacrilege,” Conrad said, setting his own bag down next to Billie’s.

Billie raised an eyebrow at him. “Even pineapple, sweetie.” She leaned down to help the little girl take off her jean jacket and stage-whispered, “Don’t worry. I’ll work on him.”

“Yay pizza night!” Gigi cried. “I’m gonna go tell Mr. Biggles.”

Billie watched as Conrad gazed after his daughter until she disappeared around the bend in the stairs.

“You guys can’t gang up on me with mushrooms,” Conrad said.

“You have to let that go,” Billie said, slanting him a smile.

“I just can’t believe you would betray me with mushrooms on pizza.”

Billie shook out Gigi’s jacket to straighten the sleeves and walked over to him. “I promise,” she said, very seriously. “I will take your side on the mushrooms… if you let her have pineapple.”

“Blackmail,” he cried.

“Negotiations,” Billie countered.

His eyes danced at her, and Billie smirked at him before striding back down the hall. Pulling open the coat closet, she hung up Gigi’s jean jacket and then her own sweater coat. She took out a third hangar, intending to grab Conrad’s from him, but his voice interrupted her train of thought.

“I’ve been thinking about it since our first date,” Conrad said.

Billie turned to find him stalled out where the hallway opened onto the kitchen, watching her. His jacket was still on, despite the humidity beginning to rise in the Georgia morning air.

“Thinking about what?” she asked. Then it clicked. “Oh.”

“How long have you been thinking about this?”

“Awhile.”

“What’s awhile? Two days? A week? Eighteen years?”

“A few weeks.”

He waited, eyes on her face, as she processed that information. He had given her space, she knew. She had been relieved when he didn’t push to restart the conversation when she had come back for dinner. But then a few days had become two weeks, and clearly he had gotten impatient.

“Our first date,” she said. Then again. “Our first date?”

He pulled off the light fabric jacket he preferred in the summer and early fall and closed the distance between them. She eased it out of his hand, sliding it onto the hangar, and shoving it in the closet with the others. His eyes were so tight on her face that she felt almost claustrophobic from the attention.

“Yes,” he said.

She swallowed against the lump in her throat. “I’m really confused.”

“I know. I just don’t know why,” he told her. “You know I love you. You’re here practically every night—”

“Only twice last week,” she interrupted, feeling defensive.

“And I hated that you were gone.” He paused to let that sink in, and then he pulled out the big guns. “So did Gigi.”

Billie winced. “She did?”

“Of course, she did.”

“We need to put away the groceries,” Billie said, brushing past him and trying not to cry. “We bought ice cream.”

“Yes,” Conrad said, following her back to the kitchen. “We. We bought ice cream.”

Her hand clenched on the side of the grocery bag. She couldn’t look at him.

“I wanted to open the dialogue,” Conrad said, sounding lost. “I didn’t want to scare you out of the house.”

“You didn’t,” she said, but the words came out as a whisper.

“Billie, talk to me,” he murmured.

But she couldn’t say this to him. The words throbbed in her cut-open chest.

“Is this about Nic?” he asked, in a carefully neutral tone.

Panic swept Billie into motion. She turned and started for the hallway, already visualizing the front door. “I just remembered that I…” But she couldn’t bring herself to lie to him either, so she found herself shaking her head, swallowing against the vise-like grip around her throat. “I can’t. I have to go.”

Conrad stepped into her path, hands held up in front of his body. “Billie.” She stilled, and he edged closer. “Please don’t run from me.”

“I’m not running from you,” she said.

“Then what?” he asked, and she heard an edge of frustration to his voice. “What are you running from?”

“Me? Maybe,” she said on a wet laugh.

“You? I don’t understand.”

“I can’t say this to you,” she said, losing the war against the tears.

“Why can’t you talk to me about this?” he asked. “We talk about everything.”

“Because it’s not fair,” she said. “It’s not fair to say this to you.”

“Please talk to me. Let me help.”

Conrad’s fingers found her cheeks, thumbs brushing the tears away, only for new ones to replace the tears he had cleared. She slid her arms around his waist, burrowing her face into his chest. His warmth slipped through the cotton of his Henley, and his scent—pine and musk and Conrad and home—enveloped her. Her eyes were pouring, but, somehow, she stayed quiet, muffling the little sobs against his solidness.

“I want to,” she said into the cotton.

“What?” he murmured to her.

She pulled back, surprised when Conrad’s arms tightened for a split second before he controlled the reaction and loosened his grip. She knew she was a gross mess, had probably gotten snot all over his shirt, might even have it smeared under her nose. And all of that was less uncomfortable and humiliating and tragic than what she was about to say to him.

The words lodged in her throat. She gestured helplessly.

“Why don’t we sit?” he asked, letting go of her to point at the couch.

She nodded, hoping against hope that Gigi wouldn’t come barreling down the stairs and catch her like this. As soon as she was settled in the corner—her corner—Conrad dropped a kiss on top of her head.

“I’ll grab you some tissues,” he said and hurried out of the room.

She took the few moments he was gone to suck in a deep breath. In through the nose, hold, and out through the mouth, she reminded herself.

That was as far as she got before Conrad was back, tissue box in hand. She told herself the breathing had helped, and the urge to bolt for the front door had faded.

This time, take two on the conversation, when Conrad came to sit, he settled in right next to her. He aimed his torso to face her, one arm across the back of the couch.

Poised to grab her if she tried to run.

Billie knew he would never. Conrad was a huge proponent of bodily autonomy. If she dashed to the front door, he would try to persuade her to stay, but he wouldn’t lay a finger on her even to stop her.

He set the tissue box in the scant inches between their thighs. His eyes were tight on her face.

“Billie, is this about Nic?” She grimaced before she could control it. He nodded, once, decisively, and then he said, “Okay. I’m going to go first. Is that all right?”

The gesture she made as she wiped her face with tissue was caught somewhere between a shrug and a nod and a full-body shudder. But Conrad seemed to understand that what she meant was knock yourself outbecause he chuckled softly.

“We delayed facing this for so long that we were already on the same page before we ever made a move,” Conrad said. “So, I have to keep reminding myself that we’ve never actually talked about it.” He paused, considering. “Well… directly. Out loud. Each other anyway. I think we both talked to other people, if some of my recent conversations with A.J. meant what I think they mean.”

He was right, and he was right that they hadn’t said all of this out loud. Bits and pieces, but never all of it.

They had each gone through their self-flagellation and dealt with their guilt silently in the shadows. By the time Conrad had leaned in for that first kiss, they had both been long at peace with the idea of moving forward together, which inevitably left Nic behind. Their hesitation had been centered in insecurity around how the other felt, if the other had found that same peace, as well as risking the friendship that had meant so much to both of them for five years.

And, once they had kissed, cementing those feelings and answering those questions, they had each known exactly what the other thought without any words needing to be exchanged. So, they had never really talked about it.

Conrad took a deep breath. “When you were talking to Gigi that night, you said we were a family. I hadn’t thought about it that way. Not that I didn’t consider you family,” Conrad amended. “But it wasn’t a conscious thought, you know? You were just a part of our life. A fact of it. And then you said it out loud to Gigi, and I was like ‘Of course.’ It just fit.”

“We’re just right,” Billie said.

“Yes,” Conrad said. “We’re comfortable together. Completely, one hundred percent comfortable. I don’t want to assume anything about you and your past relationships, but I’ve never felt like that before. Like this before.”

Billie’s eyes shot to his face. Conrad was staring at his hands in his lap rather than at her.

“It was different with Nic,” he said. “I loved her with everything in me. Every piece of me loved every piece of her.”

“I know,” Billie murmured.

“But I knew from the second I laid eyes on her that…” He shifted, hesitating to finish his sentence.

“You wanted to be together,” Billie supplied, feeling rather prim even as she said it.

A grin flashed across his face. “That’s the PG version anyway,” he said, voice gravelly. “We weren’t… We didn’t know anything about each other, and that physical part—the sex part—was there from the beginning. Always there. It…complicates things. And we broke up and got back together so many times. And it was always exciting and wonderful, and she fit, too. She fit me. But even when I asked her to marry me, I was only ninety-five percent sure she was going to say yes.”

He laughed, but it was bitter, almost self-deprecating, and he cut it off to swallow hard. Billie felt her stomach twist in nervous anticipation. Somehow, she knew what was coming next, and she wanted to reach out and touch him, wanted to feel his warmth and his skin. Instead, she curled her fingers into fists around the tissues still in her hands.

“You,” he said, careful and tentative. “You were my friend first. Strictly platonic and someone I could rely on, could say anything to, without worrying you might disappear. And you became a part of me. I know that sounds crazy. But I meant it when I said we grew together over the last five years. Sometimes I think I know you better than I know myself. I know you in a way that I have never known another human being. I know how you’re going to react. I know how you think about things, how your brain approaches a problem. I know why you do the things you do, why you make the decisions you make, without you ever having to explain.”

He shook his head, and the motion looked a little rough. “And the fact that I missed how you felt about me is completely bonkers because, of course, I should have seen it. I think I was so scared that I was reading it all wrong, that I just… shut it out. But I’ve already told you that,” he said, cutting himself off with a sigh.

“I think Nic and I would have gotten here,” he said, gesturing between himself and Billie. “But we weren’t there yet. So, no, Billie, I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. It’s not better, it’s not more. It’s just—”

“Different,” she whispered.

He raised his face to meet her eyes, clearly encouraged by her speaking, even if only one word. “And part of that comfort is because I saw you with Gigi, how pure and open and honest you are with her. No matter how she tests you, you never falter. And part of it is that we grew together and shaped each other,” he said. “We’re not the same people we were before Nic died. That changed us. But we also wouldn’t be the people we are now without each other.”

Billie nodded, tears starting to spill down her cheeks again.

He rubbed his fingers over his forehead. “And all of that is to say that I understand why this house is a problem. We changed. But the house didn’t. So, you feel like you’re sliding into Nic’s life. Like you’re replacing her.”

Billie pressed a hand over her mouth so she wouldn’t sob loud enough for Gigi to hear.

“And it’s one thing to visit,” Conrad said, bravely forging ahead. “It’s another thing to move in.”

“I’m sorry,” Billie said, covering her face so that he couldn’t look at her. “I’m so sorry. It’s not fair.”

“What isn’t fair is you not talking to me about this,” Conrad said. “Billie, it’s me. This is us. We talk about everything.”

“Not everything,” she muttered.

Against all odds, Conrad laughed. The sound was relieved, almost giddy. He eased closer to her on the couch, arm sliding behind her but not touching her.

“I’d like to change that,” he said. “Everything would be really, really good.”

“There are certain things I will never talk about with you,” she said, but her lips were curling up in the corners, just like he knew they would.

And as soon as he spotted the curls, Conrad’s arm moved from the couch back to wrap around her shoulders, pulling her closer into his heat. She felt a shudder run through him, and she realized he had been afraid. Her not talking to him, shutting him out, had terrified him and made him question his own confidence.

With all of that swirling through her mind, she said, “I don’t know how to get past this.”

“You don’t move in here,” Conrad said, as if it was the simplest decision in the world.

The words were firm, and the world dropped out from under Billie. He was taking the invitation back.

He didn’t want to live with you anymore, her brain hissed at her. Because he knows you’re right. You’re stealing Nic’s life. You’re the worst friend who has ever—

“Gigi and I can move in with you,” he said.

The voice cut off, and the world righted. A second later, a wave of shock swept through her as she fully registered what he had suggested.

“My house?” she asked.

“Why not?” he asked. “Gigi loves it there.”

“She loves to visit,” Billie pointed out. “Not to live. When she’s spent the night, she slept with me. She didn’t even want to go in the guest room.”

Conrad’s arm tightened around her, and she heard him swallow again. “Uh-huh.”

“And you know I bought that place in a hurry,” Billie said. “I barely even looked around the market. I took the first one that was nearby.”

“It’s a great house,” Conrad argued.

“Sure,” Billie said. “But this is Gigi’s home. She’s lived here her whole life.”

“True, but—”

“And the yard here is way better,” she said. “You even have a hot tub. I do not have a hot tub.”

“The hot tub can move,” Conrad pointed out. “I can’t move the yard, though.”

Billie made a complicated hand gesture that said See? My point exactly.

“But this place is small,” Conrad said, relaxing against the back of the couch. “Yours is bigger. If we decided to have more kids, where would we put them here?”

“Okay, we’re putting a pin in that,” Billie said in a dry voice. “Because that’s a whole different emotional conversation and a long way off if it happens at all. We could certainly find a new, different, third house option long before that happens. And, besides, selling my place would probably cover the cost of putting an addition on this one. And don’t you own that hillside? We could build up and maybe out off the back—” She paused, hand outstretched as she pointed out his windows, and took in his expression with suspicion. “What? Why are you grinning at me?”

He shrugged, still grinning like he had won the lottery. “I only ever wanted to open the dialogue.”

And Billie suddenly realized that she was quiet inside. The voice telling her she was stealing Nic’s life was gone.

The fear wasn’t gone. The anxiety and guilt were still roiling in her stomach, and she wasn’t sure she would ever be ready to move into Conrad’s house.

But the voice that had been berating her for two weeks was silent.

“How do you do that?” she asked him.

“Do what?” he asked, contentment on his face. He intertwined their fingers and brought her hand up to brush a kiss against the back.

“Make everything better,” she said.

His eyes squeezed shut like she had hit him, fingers tightening around hers. He sat like that for a moment, pressing her hand against his lips, his eyes closed to the world. And when he opened them again, they looked bruised. But not the bruised that Billie had become used to—the darkness of grief, of pain, of longing. All she saw in Conrad’s eyes was…gratitude and relief.

“I don’t know,” he said, voice gone gravelly again. “But I’m really glad I do. Honestly… you have no idea.”

#the resident #billie sutton #fanfic #conradbillie #conbillie #cobillie #conrad x billie #billie x conrad #gigi hawkins

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suzume-umi · 4 months

Text

You are my safe place

Chapter 1.

Pairing: Wooyoung x fem!reader

Trope: Friends to lovers (I guess)

Genre: romance, angst at some point.

Sorry just wanted to fullfil my delulest desires with this. English is not my first language. I wote this in spanish to have some fun and later decided to post it in case someone might find it entertaining so forgive me if there are some mistakes.

I wake up in my small studio. It's raining. The weather has been horrible these past few days, almost as if it was trying to warn me of what was about to happen.

I eat my breakfast and get ready as quickly as I can. I'm short on time since, as always, I've postponed the alarm too many times, but I try not to punish myself too much for it.

I gather my things and leave my mini studio. I get on the subway, which is especially crowded due to the rain, and head to work. When I get off I walk for 5 minutes and finally arrive at my company. I greet and smile at everyone I pass by. When I finally open the door to the infirmary I sigh and relax. I may be a nurse, but I love the quiet and enjoy my time alone.

As soon as I arrive I star to work. Today is an important day since it's time for the boys' check-up. I still have an hour until the first one arrives, so I write to Nolan, my situationship, I guess. I met him when I joined the company as a nurse, at the first party I attended. He immediately approached me because, apparently, I looked "uncomfortable" and "out of place" and he wanted to include me in the team, in his own words. After that we exchanged numbers and started talking quite often. From time to time we would also meet up, although always at his house despite my multiple attempts to have dates that did not include sex involved.

I say good morning and wait for a response that doesn't come. Lately he's been a slow texter, but when I asked him why, he assured me that everything was fine, that he was just trying not to be on the phone so much.

I stare at my phone when someone knocks on the door. Wooyoung walks in and sits on the chair on the other side of the table. He automatically smiled at me and I do the same.

- How are you Y/N?

- Good and you? - I look at the hour in the computer on the table in front of me - You've come too soon. Is there a problem?

-None. I just had a little free time before the checkup. -Wooyoung stares at me, as if he were looking for something-Were you able to get some sleep?

-Ah, so you were analyzing my dark circles.- I smile.

- You don't have any. You look fresh as a rose. But we finished talking at 3 in the morning so I was worried. - He pouts.

- But our conversation was too interesting, I couldn't just abandon you. -I respond, corresponding his pout. - Seriously now, I'm fine even though I haven't slept much. Don't worry.

Wooyoung smiles again, something he's been doing since he walked through the door. But that perpetual smile fades when he looks at my cell phone.

- You're waiting for him to answer you, right?- He asks me with a stern face.

- It is that obvious?

- A bit. You were turning your phone on and off when I came in. -Now he looks sad. - Y/N, let me give you some advice, again, stop talking and seeing him. He's not trustworthy. I can make a two-page list of his red flags and the things he does that are wrong.

- I know you're right, but... - I hesitate to continue but I do anyways.- It's just that when we see each other it's perfect. There is chemistry and he treats me well.

-Which part of only wanting to see you in his house and answering you when he's bored is treating you well?

My eyes widen in surprise at his response. We've talked about this many times, and deep down I know he's right, but he's never been this blunt before.

Instantly he seems remorseful. He stands up and bends down to hug me. I hug him back awkwardly. Despite having had Wooyoung as a friend for the last 3 months, I still can't get used to these gestures of affection.

The boys, including Wooyoung, and I met at the party where I also met Nolan, although I didn't start making friends with them until I did their first checkup. After that, they invited me to have a drink with them and other coworkers. Since then, Wooyoung and I have been friends. Although almost all the credit for the birth of this friendship is his.

- Sorry, I shouldn't have said it like that.

- No, don't apologize. You haven't lied. I know I have to end this. But I don't know how to do it.

- Why don't you talk to him in person today and tell him how you feel? You can write it beforehand to know what you want to let him know. But above all...-his smile widens.- You should kick him out. Close the door and throw the keys away.

- I think you're right. I'll follow your advice, for once. And it better go well or I'll sue you. - Wooyoung and I laugh and talk for a while longer, after which I force him to do the checkup, then I send him off so he can stop lingering and go to his dance practice.

Wooyoung walks out the door but not before making me swear that I will tell him everything and let him know if I need anything

When the door closes behind him I smiled to myself. Wooyoung is like a whirlwind but there isn't a day that I'm not grateful to have him in my life. He is always there when you need him.

The day continues with his unstoppable progress and I do the rest of the boys' checkups. In my free time I follow wooyoung's advice and write down everything I want to say to Nolan. As the hours go by my anxiety level increases. And when it's time to leave, my whole body is shaking.

I close the infirmary and head to the office area. I have texted to Nolan to meet and go home together so we can talk, but I haven't received a response. So I go straight to look for him knowing that if I don't do this today maybe I never will.

His office colleagues inform me that he is in the break area, so I head there. When I walk through the door I freeze. Nolan is there but he is not alone. He is accompanied by a woman our age. They are kissing passionately, not realizing that they are no longer alone. Nolan finally opens his eyes and when he looks at me his face changes as if he had seen a ghost. I turn around and try to leave, but Nolan is faster and stops me, grabbing my wrist. I'm crying but I don't care, I turn around and look into his eyes.

- Don't you dare come close to me again in your fucking life.

When he starts to try to explain himself, I free myself and leave the building, without looking back.

#ateez #ateez wooyoung #jung wooyoung #wooyoung #ateez fanfic #ateez fic #ateez x reader #wooyoung x reader #wooyoung x y/n #wooyoung x you

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lolosrollercoaster · 8 months

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Grief is fcking weird.

TW: DEATH, GRIEF, MENTAL HEALTH ETC (take all the TW and run away from this now, I rambled and went to it all and the last thing I want is for this to trigger someone. I only wrote this to express myself not to hurt anyone with my pain). Welp. Let me just start this off by saying - If anyone ever finds this - It's 7:51am and I haven't slept a wink... it's also the 1yr anniversary of the death of my favourite person... which is probably why I haven't slept a wink. So if this gets super incoherent then let it - because I just need to ramble for a moment. I tend to prefer creative writing to this blog/letter/diary type of style, and man is that probably why I suck at dealing with certain things (read: most things). In fact its probably one of the reasons why I've been so fucking frozen in time for almost 3 years, guess all the years of overthinking amplified and brought things to a complete halt. so yup - I've been completely stuck. And there hasn't been enough media, enough imagination or creativity etc to get me to do anything. Was it the pandemic? was it my penchant for overindulgence in all of it that finally stopped working as a coping mechanism and became one of the beams that now holds me down joining the rest of my collapsed psyche that now pin me to the ground? honestly who knows - but maybe I'll address that in another post- because today is about one issue, and that is GRIEF. what a fun little word - and yet so bad at encompassing what it can mean. I mean I feel like we're honestly just starting to get each other despite the fact that I think I've had it in my bag all these years. And man can it mean so much even in the same context if it's with different people? like you think you know what to expect but really (trust me) you don't. I feel like it should be in the human starter kit - the manual - that you absolutely don't know anyone until you've seen them grieve...or even worse- had to grieve alongside them. Like the fact that you never have felt closer yet farther from those people that share this common loss. Oof - if you had told me the whole "anger" part could mean "you're never speaking to this B*tch again" and part of it is mostly because you're angry on the behalf of someone who is already gone or because they made you bring that negative energy to them during their last few hours? I would've thought you were exaggerating. But nope - here I am, 365 days later still thinking - ONE DAY - I will let this person know how fucked up they are- but not today - because the person who died was my abuelita, and the b*tch is my tia - and honestly I can just see my abuelita being mad at me for being mad at my tia. Actually that's a lie - my abuelita could hold grudges when necessary, but she never got mad at me - I think she'd be more disappointed which is somehow worse. But see, anger, grief, rage? they make no sense. Because here I am still pissed af at my tia, a whole year later, and still I haven't called her a b*tch to her face - because my dead abuelita wouldn't like it if I said it. Even if she was actually being a b*tch ( that being said I'm human - so of course I've vented to everyone I know and gotten reassured) and everything she did prior to my abuelita's passing was cruel, stupid, wrong, and absolutely not ok (glad I can at least say that with certainty).

But anyways - Grief is cruel - and aloof, and odd. Grief has pulled me further from my mom than closer to her. More resentful. And it's funny because it's like it's brought out every quality I know my Abuelita would not want out of me. Honestly I might be in my villain era (or at least it feels that way - since I've decided to be strong and set boundaries - and enforced them... in a family where boundaries are non-existent... I might as well be).

But see the grief of her death came at me at the worst possible time. I know, come on universe? can't you check my calendar before you set me up for another one of these eternal redirections/world flipping moment/life "lessons" - and can we please discuss a maximum quota per decade? or at this point per year? I don't think I have the bandwidth for anything else at this point. (please don't take me typing that as a taunt or invitation! I'm good, I swear!)

You see, for some reason I guess the universe decided 2022 ( a year of my favourite numbers) was meant to be my most tested year yet - so much so that it started off with a serious accident for my dad, which happened on the day I was home after quitting the job from hell, on the first month of the year and didn't truly let up from there. By the 3rd week of 2022 I was catatonic - see, I guess 2 can play at that game and my brain+body+soul all collectively decided I needed a time out... so I just clocked out. for a month (?) I still cant tell you. but I guess I had what y'all call a little mental/nervous breakdown? ... anyways by march I was talking again, so I guess that's good - I mean at least basic communication, I wouldn't say I was out in the world, nope that took some more therapy, and A LOT of convincing from pretty much anyone who could try. And of course, given that I was bed bound, and not actively taking care of myself everything afterwards felt pretty much exactly how you'd expect it. Which was incredibly demoralizing - feeling like a zombie, unsure as to why you're alive to find that what little you appreciated about yourself is also not in shape atm - had to cut off all my hair, so that was fun... then more little issues came up, dental problems, and health problems, etc. Oh and on top of it all I had finally caved and filled one of those little mental health assessments (obviously had to lol I had stopped functioning- that was probably not a good indicator). And that led to seeing how much stigma still exists in the medical field for patients. Truly loved that. (I've worked on my mental heath for years but never fully put it all on "paper" fearing the stigma. preferring to have it be known but not written down for fear of how it could affect me - and unfortunately not even 6months later I got to experience it - gotta say it was also lk just the full meal: super fun & humiliating, y'know? even worse than what my overthinking brain had dreamt up so 11/10! great job to all involved!) But anyways, grief! that was also something I gained from my mental breakdown! who would've thought! ... definitely not me!

so anyways, I'm unemployed, living @ my parents house - parent's who definitely don't know how to deal with my mental health, they didn't know for the first decade, maybe its too much for me to expect them to know now going into the 2nd one 🤣 but yeah - idk they somehow kept me alive and here, so they definitely did something right. I gotta give props there! this is one crisis they didn't purposely start and stuck through to the end and provided what I actually needed at the time so 🎉 ( I know I sound like an asshole, but this whole mental breakdown and previous # of mental shithole years have provided me with an insane amount of introspection and reflection on my childhood which... surprisingly 🙄... didn't give me less to be angry about but more 🎉 I'm still unraveling it all, but I've definitely got enough content to keep a therapist employed for a while.) WHICH is a fun next point... access to mental health services ... why is is so fucking hard? man also so expensive when you're employed, even if you live in a country with "universal healthcare". The therapist my mom helped me get with (yay mom!) was with a service that didn't charge me too much, based on a sliding scale, and well I was unemployed and mentally broken, so income was low (thanks for 2021 Lolo for keeping some savings) so at least I could afford it ish but it turns out they worked based on "goals" and my goal in March was to get up from my bed... and hopefully make it outside my room, then eventually outside my door to actually breathe non-recycled air... maybe actually see some other human beings outside of the ones that live with me (or see them more often at least!) eventually be sort of a functioning human again.

And then my teeth got fucked and my abuelita was sick all at once - and my family is not in this country, so we thought ok - lets fly home (10+hrs air journey)... and also lets bring my 13yr old pupper - because my abuelita loved her, and this might be her last chance to go home and see that fam. Also she has separation anxiety and all 3 of us were going (yeah I'm also an only child, unless you count the pupper as my sibling, which sometimes we do). So anyways - here we go - Four anxiety ridden overthinkers on a sad journey to see their fam - it was as insane as it probably sounds - my mom thinking about her mom, in denial of the situation, and also forgetting she had promised to take responsibility for the puppers, me trying not to break down again bc ppl, airports, anxious/stressful parents who always freak out during travel and turn to you for calmness but now you're the stressed one - overwhelmed pup bc its a long ass air journey and she doesn't love being confined to a carrier and would rather be on our laps or roaming the cabin.... yup. Also I needed a root canal - so I was in PAIN. But my tia is in dentistry and it would be a much better job + price back home anyways so it was worth the craziness.

And then I got home - and I saw her. And I lost it. And my dad lost it and that's also when I knew ok well we're fucked. Because my mom is the one that had kept it together this year - she was the one who had to care for us and now it was her rock who was about to leave her. But my mom was in DENIAL. See my mom believes in miracles, but to the point where she expects them to happen regardless of reality and if there's one thing she was never going to do was give up hope in this particular case. But that also meant we had absolutely no idea how it would hit her once it happened - and as much as my abuelita and my mom taught me to believe in miracles, I unfortunately couldn't see one here. See life beat me into becoming a realist, and I worked in healthcare for a while too so there was only so much my brain would allow me to deny or have any type of hope.

Hell, I thought I would be able to handle it better because I'd seen death now more than once. But nothing prepares you to loose your favourite person, specially not when they're suffering and slowly withering away. And I think that's what pisses me off the most still. I held the hands of strangers, I sat with them through their worst times, their last few days. But from the moment I saw her - I knew I couldn't. And in some act of bravery, or dumbfuckery - I did it again - I talked my brain into compartmentalizing it, into rationalizing it, into ensuring I would be present for her. I don't regret that, don't get me wrong - I would hate myself more if I had walked away that first day and never gone back. But in shutting myself off from my feelings regarding it - in minimizing it - because I just told myself "how could I do this for strangers and not for her?" I shut myself down emotionally enough to survive it, but I think it might come back to kill me later.

You see, I make myself useful - because I was taught that's what I should do. so I did. I helped wherever I could, I drew knowledge when I needed it from people who had it, I became the voice of reason when necessary. I organized and learned all I could about what she was going through, I researched what it could all mean. That was the hardest- knowing she was like this because she fell through the cracks of a broken healthcare system. I helped by learning and arming myself with what I could to fight for her, to do what I could to make things better, or less painful for her if possible. But it still didn't feel like enough (and yet it all felt like way more than too much). And then we finally had to bring her into a facility - you see my grandfather was also a victim of the healthcare system - in his case a mistaken dose of a medication not meant for him meant instead of going home that day... he went to a funeral home instead. So of course my family, my mom, my abuelita all feared ending up in a situation like that again. She never wanted to die in a hospital, but even in her pain I think she did it because she didn't want us to deal with what it would entail for her to die at home. So she agreed and asked to be taken to the hospital. And to make it about me again - "everything happens for a reason" is a sentence I hope to never hear again because what do you mean the one they sent us to was the one I was born in (not the usual hospital she would've been sent to, but that one was too full so they sent us to my birthplace) and in that same building 48hrs later after being admitted almost to the minute - she took her last breath ....( just 2months and 1 day before my 26th birthday) So 25yrs, and 10 months after I took my first one in that same building. I now know 2 dates/events to the minute.

my birth and her death.

I'm not angry about that - I'm just confused but not mad - I just still don't understand the meaning of it all if it is supposed to have one. I do remember the last ~14hrs of her life. Since I was the one who was by her side for most of them. So much for that schedule I made (she needed to have someone with her at all times), some would've thought I made it on purpose to get her all to myself one last time. And I don't think I regret a single minute of it -even if it was one of the most painful nights of my life. if not THE most painful. I remember my mom coming to take over and my abuelita looking like she was doing better - like she was giving me permission to go - but I didn't, because I still had stuff to do, I was doing some paperwork for her, and then trying to get an extra visiting pass for my cousin, and then, and then... and then... I found the chapel - by chance, took a wrong turn ended up in that hallway. (you should know, my abuelita was one devoted woman, and the only reason I still had some faith in all of that - but she never pushed, she wasn't a fanatic, she just had true pure faith and it was so pure she did witness miracles and had them happen to her and around her and all of us.) And I sat down and I prayed. I hadn't done that in years. but I did - and I just said one thing: "if its her time, and that time is now - then don't let me or my connection to this hospital be what holds her here. I don't want to be the reason she suffers, I don't want to be what's holding her here if it's her time. I'll figure it out, I'll deal with it all, just please don't let her suffer any more. She doesn't deserve that" And 30 min later she was gone.

My mom held her hand in the end. I saw her face because of course I had to come back for something I forgot and I walked in as she was taking what I now know were her last breaths. I didn't run to her - I'd said my goodbyes in a way when I switched with my mom - I ran to switch with my cousin who was outside so she could go in and say hers.

she didn't make it.

I barely walked the 5 steps outside to my dog's carrier (who was there waiting for me as we exchanged) before my mom called only saying"she's gone" and I dropped.

if you asked me what happened after that I'd tell you flashes of it. I wailed. my dog wailed. I still feel guilty for that - she saw me drop and probably thought I'd been shot or something.

** Oh yeah I forgot to mention we had to extend our trip but my dad couldn't stay bc of work so he had to go home, and it was now just my mom, my dog and I (with the rest of our extended family of course). I eventually managed to start calling ppl - because right - we're the ones that know. my phone was at 16% and dying fast. I'd forgotten to charge it the night before, more focused on her care and not messing any of it up. I remember calling my cuz and just wailing "she's dead" then "sorry gotta hang up and call the others, my phone is at 15%" before hanging up. Still glad she doesn't hate me for that.

my dog stopped breathing and her tongue went purple/blue for a second on the taxi back to her home. we don't know what it was - grief, anxiety, the hand sanitizer my baby cousin was sniffing to keep from throwing up. it was only a second but my life flashed before my eyes again and I somehow got her back with some type of crazy cpr. My mom only found this out a few days ago - she was in the hospital with the body arranging it all. I helped pick out an outfit for her to be put into.

I helped my 19yr old cousin who lives where we live get plane tickets and helped her break the news to her mom (my tia) who was on holiday in Europe... they were supposed to come see her on Oct 4th, but they didn't make it in time. I heard their flight home kept getting delayed and she passed out in the airport.

I had nothing to wear - not that it mattered -but at one point they offered I could wear a set of her shoes and it kinda felt wrong - like why would I wear her own shoes to her funeral. it just felt wrong.

her funeral turned into 4 days of viewing - waiting for my poor cousin and tia to arrive because we couldn't get them there any faster. I don't know if it made it easer or harder to delay it. I stopped sleeping the moment she went into the hospital and didn't start again until ....still unsure. maybe a week after? when exhaustion took me out. I helped organize the funeral, deal with them trying to overcharge us, informing ppl, etc. I even managed to get her interred where she wanted her final resting place to be before our flight back (which when we'd managed to push it we'd changed our return date to Oct 15). I pushed to make it happen so my mom and I could leave knowing she was finally where she had to be. I stopped crying maybe 2 days after she died? ... I only cried 3 more times after. one being when I was a pallbearer.

My mom went... I want to say insane but that feels mean. She definitely did not handle it well, and absolutely pissed ppl off, also said some horrible things that she didn't take back - and hasn't taken back to this day.

I can't say how I was, but I do know I wasn't that bad? I think I spent more time ensuring my relatives saw me as an adult and separate from her so I wouldn't loose relationships than I did trying to offend ppl for no reason, so that was a win. and as far as I know I haven't been blocked by anyone yet - so clearly I did something ok.

I wish my dad could've come but with his health scares + being 70 + having done the journey there and back already it kinda made sense as to why he couldn't - rationally I know that. Irrationally I'm still mad I was left to deal with my mom on my own.

we got back and halloween no longer felt joyous (it was my favourite holiday). I still dressed up for her because she loved that. Apparently she always told my baby cousin that Aurora from tangled reminded her of me so I dressed up as her and watched the movie again and cried it out with my parents.

My dog survived the journey home and actually is now more of a fan of airplanes - we survived somehow.

(my biggest fear was my abuelita and dog dying at the same time, leading to my mom either dying or breaking down like I did and then me having to deal with it all on my own practically. I was sure I would not survive that.)

I tried to talk to the therapist I'd been seeing, he told me I had to reapply to the program... because its goal based, and when he took me on the goal was to get up from bed and leave my house. which I had. Grief however was a different goal and I had run out of appointments for this session set.

I stopped going to therapy.

**somewhere around here was when I had my first stigma filled experience with a GP I went to for a health problem I had. My birthday sucked. despite a bit of a time difference - my abuelita was always the first call I'd get that day. I didn't have enough time to prepare for that one since it happened so soon after. I decided to make my birthday nonexistent. I felt I had nothing to be thankful for and I definitely had nothing to celebrate. I didn't even feel like myself.

I got a job, it was supposed to be a good one. I was excited. I would start it in the new year.

Christmas - sucked. It is(was?) my mom and abuelita's favourite holiday. Not last year. We didn't even put up a tree.

New Years Eve felt like more lk YOUR YEARS GRIEF. I rang in 2023 half conscious as the absolute train wreck of a year finally hit me - and I could not stop crying or being angry or passing out from crying so hard then waking up again to be annoyed again.

And that's when it hit me I had two types of grief.

I'd completely lost myself.

and

I'd lost my true North Star.

see the one thing that questionable therapist got right was that I'd become such terrible people pleaser my entire identity crisis was happening because of it and it had helped push me into that freaking mental breakdown. I had no sense of self bc I would make myself whatever or whoever I needed to be to fit into where I needed to fit. so much so that now I had no idea what part of any of it was actually me and what was just me adapting to survive.

fun, eh?

And then my favourite person, the centre of the most joyful perfect memory in my mind - died. aka the unthinkable.

And now here I am 365 days later - with a fuckton of unfelt grief because I just COMPARTMENTALIZED IT LIKE A PRO. To a concerning degree according to just about everyone who knows me or asks about it. I mean I can't talk about it, or her. I can't read things about grandparents, or death, I definitely have almost broken down at seeing numbers like 82 (her age) anywhere. But nope, I somehow kick it back - shut it down. it almost feels like when you're about to sneeze and then you just don't? y'know that feeling? that's the closest I can compare it to. My eyes start to fill with tears and then suddenly they're dry as a desert and <I'M FINE> (read that like Ross in that one scene in friends). Anyways what's happened in the rest of those 365 days? had a job, left a job (toxic environment - so yay!) put some of that money in savings, spent the other. fought a lot with my mom. Went home by myself this time - took cuz who's my fav adult and also the one who took care of my abuelita all throughout that last year on a much deserved vacay with the liquidated vacation days I got *thank god for our birth country's currency being devalued. I feel terrible about it for my people but since I don't live there it makes it easier to do things like that one - visited Abuelita for Mother's Day. didn't cry. So clearly still repressed af.

but what's new.

Saw Beyonce at the Renaissance Tour with my friends- of course we got tickets back in February so I only realized months later that it was on my abuelita's birthday - but hey - Virgo's groove almost got me to cry in her honour since Bey asked all her Virgo's to get up and dance.

Saw a couple of plays. (Mom got a volunteer gig there and can get me tickets, also she thinks it's a bonding thing. it is kind of fun as long as it's not forced.)

Tried to challenge myself to reading 200 books - pretty sure I've only read 3 so far. BUT I'm trying and that's what matters, right?

also there's a fucking recession apparently? and finding a job is SO FUCKING HARD. that I'm spiralling harder than before. it's been fun - I'm so unmotivated and idk how to fix it. I'm back to hermiting tbh. Also my financial anxiety is at an ALL TIME HIGH. because I only calculated to have fun off work for a couple of months, and it's been more than that - I was so hopeful that I'd get a new job a lot quicker than I did.

Also for another healthy form of *🤡DEALING🤡* we're about to go to Cirque du Soleil with my parents- because we couldn't get tickets for another date (quite literally. these were the only left and we got a special deal with my parents' job). and isn't that funny? or fun. Y'know back when I had lk hopes and dreams, and I was a naive little girl I used to have these ridiculously grand ideas ahah like having acrobats at my wedding ... and that was when I'd only heard about cirque du Soleil which I'm actually only seeing for the first time today. But I don't think I ever thought "HEY- here's a thought - lets watch them for a deathaversary instead since you're so into the dark side nowadays"

But y'know what? I'm just going with the flow at this point.

Because apparently that's grief. And that's life. And that's the universe.

anyways if anyone has a treatment for repression - I'll take it - because this constipation of feelings has me down bad.

also pls pray for your girl to find a job. Her mental health is in the shitter bc living at home is not ideal when they're part of the reason you got shit mental health.

I pray to one day be a mentally healthy individual and actually maybe hopefully have a healthy (or as healthy looking as possible) relationship with my mother. and maybe even my father . but that shit aint happening with all of us under the same roof. that's just a fact. Despite how bad the real estate market is out there, in this case braving it is a life saving measure.

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cherry-ber · 4 years

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Too drunk to fuck pt. 5

Part 1 | Previous

A.N 1: it really took me all this time to get my shit together and bring you content, I'm sorry about that but let's get back to where we left it.

Mom and dad weren't really impressed by Mark. Although your dad didn't dispice him, he thought he was just a dumb boy playing, and he didn't want you to fall for him, truth be told, you didn't want that either. But on the other hand, your mother said she saw "something special" in him; you knew immediately what she meant. When someone finally looked through his bad boy act, Mark Lee was a caring person, a very creative guy, and an amazing friend, or so you thought.

Despite the warning of your parents about not going out, when Jaemin picked you up you rushed to his car, completely ignoring whatever they were saying, and forgetting your keys and phone charger, but seeing Jaemin smiling when he saw you made you ignore this.

“Hey, there's been a change in our plans, you still in?” he looked almost worried, he was nervous and blushing.

“Well I'm already grounded so I'm in, I guess” he laughed and went to open the door for you.

After driving for some minutes, he finally spoke again.

“So I actually have to go shopping and I figured you could help me to buy, you know the right things”

“Ooh, shopping. Well I guess I can do it, what are we looking for?”

When you arrived to the mall and he parked, he helped you out of the car again and started waking holding your hand.

“Well, you see, it's Jeno's birthday and I totally forgot to plan something cool, so Renjun is busy, Mark is out of town and Jisung and Chenle are still babies and not coming, again” He spoke like he was feeling really guilty about it, you knew already that Jeno was his best friend, and you could only imagine how bad they would both feel.

“So, what are you thinking about? Shall we buy him a cool gift or something simple and maybe order something to eat?”

You barely knew Jeno. You knew he was sweet and everything, but you didn't know anything about him, so it was hard to give Jaemin some advice.

“Well, I've been saving some cash, it was supposed to go to an important cause but this is probably very much worth it”

You walked for hours finding a perfect outfit, he bought Jeno expensive shoes, jeans, a shirt, and even a tie. Then he made you pick a watch, that got engraved a corny quote that Jaemin insisted on getting. You wondered where all that money came from, and when you got back to his car, he explained you, perhaps noticing you were curious.

“I was a dealer at school for some time, okay? I know it's not a good thing to do but it pays well”

He was pissed, but you knew you couldn't blame him, he wanted money and when you're young, there are very little things to can do to get it.

“That's alright, it's your savings after all” you tried to show him you weren't judging him

He stopped at the supermarket.

“Y/N, do you think we're bad people, is that why you hang out with us?”

“No, Jaemin. I think you all are funny, and for the record, I «hang out with you» because you spoke to me first. Do you think I'm dumb, is that why you hang out with me?”

He put in the cart vegetables and meat, he also bought a bottle of wine and cigarettes.

“I don't think you're dumb, I think you are hot”

Maybe he spoke too loud, because the lady at the check out looked at him as if he just said the dumbest thing she ever heard (which he did).

“That's fucking gross”

“I'm kidding, okay, sorry”

He payed and drove to Jeno's place. You still didn't know what was his plan, but you went with the flow.

He called Jeno and told him to get ready for dinner, and that he was bringing him some cake. Jeno, on the speaker, sounded really excited and it made your heart melt when he said he wasn't expecting that. When you arrived, Jaemin honked and parked, getting everything out of the trunk. Jeno came out excited and smiling, he was very happy about his best friend coming over in his birthday, even when he decided to bring basically a stranger and not the rest of his friends.

“Hello Y/N, I wasn't expecting you, I'm so glad you came”

You wished him a happy birthday, and hugged him. He was like a puppy, he hugged you back and thanked both of you for making him some company on his birthday.

“The boys called earlier, I figured no one would come over, I'm surprised you did”

Jaemin swallowed and proceeded to explain that his gift was a fancy date with a fancy outfit with his un-fancy friends. Jeno loved the idea, and as soon as Jaemin gave him the clothes, he ran to his room to get changed. Meanwhile, you and Jaemin cooked with the help of the internet, astonished that he didn't burn down the place.

Dinner was amazing, they shared all of their memories together and you learned why they loved each other so much, you laughed and got to know them better. You didn't notice when your phone died, so when they said it was 10 p.m, you asked Jaemin to give you a ride back home. You said your goodbyes to Jeno and he thanked you for spending your day with him. You thanked him for making you feel welcomed.

The drive back home was full of Jaemin thanking you for your help and for making Jeno happy, since he really thought you were cool and enjoyed your company after you met them. He stopped suddenly some blocks away from your house, and turned to you.

“I know I shouldn't say this, Y/N, but after spending the day with you, I know I definitely like you” you were speechless. You knew Jaemin was a flirt, so you allowed it, but you never thought he meant anything of what he said, Mark. It seemed like no matter what you did or where you were, everything went back to Mark.

Still too shocked to say something back, you gave everything a second thought. Mark was cool, he was attractive and whatever, but he'd never do anything like this with you. Jaemin was funny, and sweet, and apparently not afraid of showing what he felt and expressing his emotions. Jaemin figured that the only way of trying to get a response from you was making a move, and so he did. He held your hand between his, and turned your head so you'd look at him. You felt like you were blushing and he smiled. His left hand went to your cheek, while the right one kept caressing your palm. His lips were getting closer to yours, and just as he was almost kissing you, his phone rang like crazy. You told him to pick it up, so he put it on the speaker.

“Man, are you busy right now? I think I'm in trouble” The voice on the other line sounded so anxious, you almost failed to recognize it. But it was undeniably Mark “I really need your help”.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A. N 2: UGH MAN I'M SO SORRY FOR REAL. I'm so sleepy, but I just wanted to post this, I'll add the link to the previous part tomorrow. I haven't slept in DAYS, my sleeping schedule is so fucked tbh. If you read this, thank you very much, and if you waited for the upload, thank you so absolute much, and sorry again. I also finally got the plot for my sort of horror story project I had before getting on hiatus. I hope you're doing well guys, I hope you liked this, too. It's short because I am doubting y'all wanna read this lmao.

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hail-tommy-shelby · 5 years

Text

Night At The Garrison (A Tommy Shelby Imagine)

Wattpad - @BRINGMETHECHLOE

Tumblr - @hail-tommy-shelby

{This is the first smut imagine I have wrote so forgive me if it's not the best. I would love your feedback after you have read it, if there are things I need to improve on I'd love it if you would tell me. Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

If you like this imagine I will be posting more on this Tumblr for you to read. I am also starting a full fanfiction for Tommy Shelby on my wattpad which will have many chapters.

I hope you enjoy my writing. Happy reading.}

For as long as I can remember it's always been me and Ada. Ever since we were children you couldn't find one of us without the other. We used to say it was me and her against the world and we continued that way forever. Being best friends with her for this long we are more like sisters now. Such a close bond that can never be broken. We have no secrets between us, never will. No secret could be too big that we couldn't tell. That's how I knew about her and Freddie Thorne long before anyone else. I keep her secrets and she keeps mine. I was also the first to find out when she got pregnant. Me and Polly were the only ones that knew.

Polly and I are very close too. She classes me as family and has done since I was little. With me and Ada so close I practically grew up with and around the Shelby's. Polly and Ada treated me like family and the brothers always treated me well, especially John. Arthur used to tease him saying he loved me.

As I got older the way the Shelby's treated me never changed. They always made sure I was okay and kept me close. Tommy however, Tommy changed towards me. We used to talk, joke and have a laugh, then it all seemed to stop. He started talking to me less and less until I only got the occasional word out of him. I never knew why. I guess as he took on more and more responsibility with Shelby Company Limited he had no time to waste talking to his little sisters friend.

As the company got bigger and I grew up Polly insisted they give me a job. Now years later here I am, still working for the company and still as close to Ada and Polly as ever.

Now I spend most days working with the girls while doing the books. I've always loved working with them, it's always a laugh with Polly and Esme. After she married John getting to know her, me and Esme became great friends. We get along well and I'm glad John has someone like her, she's good for him.

Lizzie is the only other girl to work with us doing the books sometimes. She doesn't say much especially to me. I always get the feeling she really dislikes me and sometimes at work I catch her staring at me. I really don't understand Lizzie. I know Esme really doesn't like her. As soon as she found out John slept with her and nearly married her that was it. The dislike was clear. I don't think Polly is particularly a fan of her either. Her and Esme have this joke that Lizzie's mood that day depends on if she's currently fucking Tommy or not. I try not to think of it as the thought makes me feel sick.

Only Ada knows this but when I was younger I always hoped I would end up with him. I mean who wouldn't? Tommy is absolutely gorgeous. As I grew older I knew me and him would never be together and I accept that now. I still think he's stunning but I know he won't be mine. I just hope he finds someone that truly loved him and doesn't just want to fuck him.

Now here I am. I've finished work for the day and I'm at Polly's house with her and Ada. Tonight is a big night. Arthur and Tommy have completely done up the garrison and tonight is it's grand opening. Everyone is going to be there. The whole Shelby family and everyone who works for them. I'm really looking forward to it. Ada has a babysitter for Karl so we decided tonight we are going all out.

Me, Ada and Polly are getting ready, knowing tonight is a big deal we all want to look out best. After a bit of consideration I decide I'm going to wear my best stuff and dress up. For a little confidence I put on my black lace bra and panties with a matching garter belt that holds up my stockings. Just knowing I'm wearing this boosts my confidence greatly.

Getting dressed I start to put on my black embroidered dress which I bought just for the occasion. I love the dress as it hugs my hips and falls to my knees. It shows off my body nicely and looks great with the black heels I've paired with it.

After finishing my hair I stare into the mirror and smile. I apply a final coat of red lipstick and give myself an all over glance. There ready. I look good. I feel good. Tonight is going to be great.

Polly and Ada are ready soon after me, both looking gorgeous. With all of us happy it's time, we step out the house onto the streets of Birmingham and get into the car. It's not a long ride to the garrison and we are there rather quickly. The closer we get there I notice the more noise I hear. As we pull up on the street I hear it clearly, jazz music playing, people laughing and singing. By just the sound alone you would know it's a party.

Getting out the car I look at Polly, she has a huge smile on her face. Slowly the three of us start to walk and we reach the doors of the garrison.

"Tonight's gonna be a good night girls" I hear Ada from next to me before she swings the doors open.

As soon as I enter and my feet hit the floor I have to take a moment to take in my surroundings. The new garrison looks phenomenal, so fancy and so gold. The entire place was gold and all the chairs red velvet. A jazz band are playing next to the dance floor where many couples are already dancing. I've never seen the garrison this busy before. Everyone I know is here. Looking to the bar I can see Arthur behind it giving out bottles of champagne, with a big smile on his face. He looks really happy tonight, I've not seen him this happy in a while.

Looking around the room I take in the sights and atmosphere of the place when I suddenly feel a pair of arms wrap around my waist from behind. Gasping I turn around shocked to see a laughing face behind me.

"Fucking John" I shout hitting him on the shoulder which gets Ada and Polly laughing.

"Some things never change" Polly laughs then directs us all to the table where Esme is already sat.

John finds his seat next to Esme and pulls out a bottle of whiskey "I must say you all look lovely."

"Aren't you a charmer" I joke taking a seat next to Ada.

Cracking open the bottle of whiskey conversation and drink flowed equally. Before I knew it the bottle is empty, I'm a little tipsy and Ada is pulling me up to dance.

Finding a rhythm to the music we start to dance in the middle of the floor. We twirl eachother shaking our hips and laughing like a bunch of children. I keep turning and twirling until I feel it. I feel like someone is watching me. Turning around once more I spot it. I could only take a quick glance but I spot it, I know those eyes. Swaying my hips in a new direction I turn both me and Ada around so I can face him. There he is, looking as good as ever and looking at me. Thomas Shelby.

Tommy is sat at a table, a glass of whiskey in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I notice Lizzie is sat with him. Both of them are not talking and they're both looking at me. Why are they looking at me? They have never payed any attention to me, so why now? Both of them staring like this is making me nervous.

I focus back on my dancing trying to distant myself from the thought of them both looking at me. I spin Ada around as she does the same to me, as I turn around I see Lizzie. She doesn't look very happy as she walks out the garrison. I take a look at Tommy to see if something had happened but his eyes haven't moved from me at all. He's looking at me so intently it almost scares me. Every nerve in my body is telling me to look away but I can't. I continue swinging my hips but my eyes lay on him as his are on me.

Oh those eyes, those amazing bright blue eyes. The way he's looking at me, it's like he can see inside me soul. I've never experienced something so intense. This one look from him and my body is on fire. One look from him and I'd do anything he asked. This man, the man who with one stare has me completely at his will.

I snap myself out of my thoughts, I need a drink.

"I'm going to the bar" I shout to Ada over the music then walk to get a drink. As I reach the bar I notice I'm breathing heavy and feel hot. I order two whiskeys and wonder if Tommy is still watching me. Chancing another look, I see he's still there staring at me. Why is he doing this? I down one of my whiskeys hoping it will calm my nerves, then I see it. He's smirking at me. Thomas Shelby smirking at me. Maybe he knows the effect he has on me. Oh god I hope not.

Avoiding his gaze I take my whiskey and go and sit with Polly.

"Are you alright Hun? You look hot" she asks.

My cheeks heat even more "I'm out of breath from dancing" I lie which makes Polly laugh.

After some conversation I start to zone out, John, Esme and Polly continue talking while I just think. My mind wonders back to Tommy. I don't understand what's going on. He never pays attention to me and then tonight, the way he's looking at me. What's changed? And that smirk, I've never seen that before. The way his lips looked so desirable. The man is so unbelievably sexy. Crossing my legs I snap myself out of my thoughts and drink another whiskey.

A few bottles of whiskey and a lot of dancing later the night has flown by. Everybody else has gone and the only people left are me, Ada, Polly, Arthur, and Tommy. The band left so the only music playing is coming from a gramophone.

Even though it's late me and Ada are still dancing. Ada seems to be very drunk and stumbling while twirling around. As I shake my hips I hear a loud bang which I turn to see is Ada, she's on the floor laughing hysterically.

"Bloody hell Ada, how much have you had to drink?" I hear Arthur moan as he helps her up. I can't help but giggle as I continue to twirl.

Arthur picks Ada up in his arms and Polly grabs her things "come on you, let's get you home."

I keep dancing with closed eyes just focusing on moving my body to the music. After the song finishes I open my eyes to see only Tommy. The rest of them have gone. Tommy is sat down with a drink watching me. As I realize it's only me and him left I stop dancing and sit down at the table. Me and Tommy haven't been alone together in years, this is new. Looking up at him, he has poured us both a glass of whiskey and I reach for a cigarette. Almost instantly Tommy holds a lot match up to me. I slowly lean towards him lighting my cigarette while looking into his eyes. Just looking at him nerves travel through my body.

"The place looks great" I say taking a drag and trying to make conversation.

"You looked like you had a good time" he stated "you're a good dancer."

I drink the whiskey trying not to blush "I love to dance."

"You know I've not danced all night."

I gulp as he stands up Infront of me putting out his hand.

"Dance with me."

I take a moment to watch him shocked before putting out my cigarette and taking his hand.

Tommy leads me to the dance floor before putting one hand on the small of my back and mine in his other.

After a second, he slowly starts to move, pulling me closer to him. The dance is simple and slow. Tommy leads and I follow his movements. Turning us around slowly he then lifts up my arm and gets me to twirl. I couldn't help but laugh as he takes my hand again, "I don't believe I've ever seen you dance Mr Shelby."

"I am a man of many talents" he spoke turning is around.

"I'm sure you are" I smile.

I can't believe this is happening. I'm dancing with Tommy. I've never seen this side of him before. He's being so sweet.

Pulling me closer I feel Tommy's head in the crack of my neck. Every breath he takes I can feel, each almost sending shivers down my spine. Taking a deep breath I take in his scent as I feel his hand on my waist. He smells amazing. I've never noticed that before. It's like a mix of cigarettes, whiskey, smoke and pure Tommy Shelby. Can this man be anymore perfect?

As the song finishes I slowly pull away "I guess I should be getting home."

Tommy insisted he would drive me and the entire ride home made conversation. This is the most I've spoken to him in a long time. He asked about me and how I was doing and I asked about him and the company. As we arrive at my place I've had such a good time with him I don't want him to leave. "Thank you for driving me home."

"It was my pleasure" Tommy turns off the car, gets out and opens the car door for me.

"Thank you." Walking to my front door Tommy is right behind me. I get out my keys unlocking the door before turning to face home. "Thanks again for driving me home."

Tommy steps forward his arms wrapping around my waist, mine instantly wrap around his neck.

"Tommy I " before I could finish talking his lips are on mine.

His lips, which I thought would be tough are soft and plump. The kiss starts out soft, both of us getting used to each other before it depends. His tongue invading my mouth as a moan escapes my lips. Not wanting the kiss to end I pull Tommy into my house shutting the door. My back hits the wall as his hands find my hips, sighing into his mouth I tug on his hair.

My mouth finds he jaw as our hands fumble to take each others coats off. Once achieved my hands start undoing shirt buttons revealing his chest. Tommy's lips move lower sucking on the sensitive skin on my neck making me moan, "Tommy."

"Jump" he whispers heavily in my ear, I do exactly as he says wrapping my legs around his waist, my hands clawing at his chest. In this position I feel him. I can feel him growing hard underneath me, our clothes an unwanted barrier. My hips involentry rock back and forth the sensation making me want a sweet release. I hear Tommy groan biting my neck at the feeling, "where's your room?"

"Upstairs to the right."

With no hesitation Tommy carries me upstairs placing me on my bed before pulling away. "No Tommy I want you."

"Patience love" he smirks looking down at me "you have me." Leaning over me he rejoins his lips to mine. "Your'e wearing too many clothes" he breathes pulling away.

I'm now sat on the edge of the bed with Tommy on the floor between my legs. I feel his hands slowly stroking my thighs then higher and higher as he lifts off my dress. I don't know what it is but him undressing me like this feels so intimate, like he's finally seeing me after all these years. Throwing my dress to the floor he removes my shoes then lays me flat.

I can't see him but I can feel him. A kiss on my upper thigh makes me squirm.

"Stay still."

I do as I'm told and relax my body. Another kiss on my thigh has my senses heighten but I stay still following his instructions. Slowly he kisses down my leg bring my stocking with him. As he makes his way all the way down he removes my stocking before starting again on the other, only this time slower.

The feeling of him slowly undressing me, his mouth on my legs is magical. I close my eyes focusing on the feeling. As he finishes removing the last stocking my body ignites with anticipation. My legs are now completely bare and his hands wonder over the newly unclothed skin.

Lowering his head between my thighs I feel his breath against my underwear. "Tommy please" I gasp.

"You are so beautiful."

His breath hits my sensitive area making my nipple's harden. Sitting me up, Tommy's mouth is on mine again, his tongue taking over mine as I pull on his hair earning me a growl that makes my body clench. The kiss becomes more urgent as he takes off my bra throwing it to the floor.

"Lay back" he instructs standing up.

Groaning at the loss I do as he says laying back down, Tommy standing over me.

"My my what a beautiful sight."

I bite my lip at his words watching him look at every inch of my body. As Tommy looks over me he removes the rest of his clothes.

"So so beautiful."

A shocked gasp escapes my mouth as he removes his boxers leaving him completely naked. His erect penis at full attention. He's so big! This man could not get any more perfect if he tried. He's a masterpiece.

Tommy urgently returns his lips to mine as he lays on top of me, my hands exploring his back and arms. I feel him nudge my legs apart with his knee as he settles in-between them. The tip of his penis touching my clothed core.

I moan into the kiss at the sensation, his hands finding their way to my breast. Kissing down my jaw to my neck his mouth then latches on to one of my nipples. Tommy's mouth is sucking on one nipple as his fingers play with the other. He leaves no part of my breast ignored as his mouth and hands explore every inch of my sensitive skin.

Continuing to give me pleasure he removes the last of my underwear so I am completely naked beneath him. I can't believe I am naked underneath Thomas Shelby. The man I've always wanted and here he is giving me such pleasure. His hands don't move from my breasts as he starts to kiss over my stomach. Many emotions are filling my head, lust, joy, impatience and I feel quite vulnerable. Being in this position is so overwhelming I'm vulnerable to his every touch and would do anything he asks of me.

Slowly as he kisses sloppily lower down my stomach I feel him open my legs wider. He can see me, all of me. Just knowing he can see every crevasse of my body makes my heart race and pussy wet.

"Tommy please" I moan a little breathless. My need for him growing to a unbearable height.

"You're so wet for me" I hear him groan.

Biting my lip I run my hands through my hair trying to control my urges.

"I want a taste."

As soon as the words leave his mouth I am hit with a wave of pleasure. His mouth has attached itself to my clit licking and sucking on every nerve, a familiar throbbing taking over.

"Fuck" I moan my hands grabbing into his hair. The feeling of his mouth on me is indescribable. My hips involentry bucking at the pleasure "Tommy I need you, fuck me."

Tommy sits up, his mouth grazing mine, I can feel my wetness on his lips. "You want me to fuck you?" As the words leave his mouth. I feel the force of his two fingers enter me making me moan.

"Fuck yes."

He circles his fingers inside me the pleasure intense "with these?"

"No" I whimper trying to distant myself from the pleasure for a second. "With these" I moan grabbing his hardened cock.

Tommy shudders at my touch as I stroke him, his penis rock hard in my hand "please Tommy."

Removing his fingers from inside me he stops my hand from stroking him. My knees open wider as he sets himself in-between grabbing himself, "you want this?"

My hips buckle at his voice my pussy dripping wet "yes."

Laying his body on mine he kisses my lips. I want him so much. The kiss is full of urgency and need.

Moaning I feel his cock rub against my clit in circles. I break the kiss and look up at him and he at me. Its only a moment but we just look at eachother, almost taking eachother in before locking lips again.

Slowly I feel him sink into me, his lips silenting my screams. He feels so good inside me, almost heavenly. His big cock fills my full leaving no empty space.

Rocking his hips I feel every inch of him as he feels me wrapped around him. "You feel so good."

Knowing I'm giving Tommy pleasure turns me on more. Starting slow at first I can see his eyes scrunch up at the feeling of being inside me.

"Please Tommy deeper" I whimper in his ear wanting more of him if it was even possible.

"Fuck" he groans at the sound of my voice before thrusting into me at a breathtaking pace.

I wrap my legs around him and pull his body flat against me. The feeling of him is almost too much, the familiar pressure building up inside me. Bucking my hips to meet his every thrust he pins my wrists above my head leaving me unable to move, then continuing to pound into me mercilessly. I have no control or choice but to take every ounce of pleasure he is giving to me.

"Fuck Tommy" as his pace fastens I know I will definitely be bruised tomorrow. Each thrust has me closer and closer to the edge bringing tears to my eyes the pleasure that intense. It's like nothing I've ever felt. I never want this to end, I want to stay like this with him forever.

I feel my insides start to tighten and clench as Tommy goes deeper and faster.

"Cum for me."

I can't speak no words will leave my mouth, nothing but my moans and whimpers. I wrap my legs tighter around him not wanting to lose any part of this blissful feeling. A few more deep thrusts and my body begins to shake. I close my eyes tight shut and hold onto Tommy for dear life. In just a few seconds my orgasm rips through my body as I scream Tommy's name over and over.

Feeling my muscles clench around Tommy his thrust start to get sloppy and his cock starts to twitch. Two thrusts later his orgasm hits it's high and I feel him cum inside me.

Trying to catch our breath we both lay there still connected, both letting the other calm down after our highs. Silence fills the room, nothing is heard now except our deep breaths.

As we both com round I whimper as Tommy removes himself from me and lays back down.

"That was ..." I pant.

"Great?"

"Better" I smile laying my head on his chest " we should do it again sometime."

"Oh we will be."

I giggle as we both lay there starting to fall asleep. Tonight was the best night of my life, I've never felt this happy and content. We wrap our arms around eachother and close our eyes letting sleep take over our bodies.

I hope you liked it. As I said it was my first ever smut written so if you have any advice or feedback I would be so grateful if you message me. Thanks for reading.

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mynameispuppy · 4 years

Text

Talking in Summer chapter 1

Hello! this is my first fanfic in years, I plan on continuing it for a while. I put information about reader’s quirk and such in my first post.

enjoy!

As I start to fold some plain colored tees I let out a sigh, I've been on my feet all day and I can't wait to just go home and relax. An old friend of mine suggested me to the manager here at superdry© in the mall. I'm grateful to have a job but I wish I could be working closer to my goals....

Since I turned 18 and left high school my life has been just a blob heading in no particular direction.

"Hey (y/n) looks like it's 7 are you ready to take a 15?" I hear my co-worker call out to me from the front desk. "Oh- yeah sure" I politely smile back at her, she was always looking out for me with breaks and such.

After gathering my stuff I head to the nearly empty dining area in the mall. 'Only one hour left' I state in my head while I take a bite of my sandwich. I look around and spot nothing particularly of interest.

Except one person.... Next to the center fountain sits a man

I see him quite often in the evening

He's thin with strikingly white hair and dark clothing. When I first started to notice him showing up, I speculated he worked in the mall since he was there almost on a schedule, but the more I look at his appearance and the fact he has no uniform I assume he may be homeless or just doesn't have anything to do.... 'Maybe I should stop judging people so much' Old habits die hard I guess.

Looking at my phone the screen lights up '7:15... Good timing (y/n)' I shuffle around and grab my things. Looking back one last time the white haired man seems to have left. 'Oh well'

The rest of my shift flies by mostly because I just get to sit here and talking to Yume, my co-worker, while we clean up the store.

Just like clock work I head home at 8pm. Taking the evening tram about 3 blocks away and then walking the rest of the way.

I climb the steps to my apartment and stumble inside taking off my shoes and running over to my shiki futon shoved between my closet and bookshelf.

I try to check up on my social media a bit and check on things but my eyes quickly grow heavy "I guess it's been a while since I slept huh?" I chuckle to myself. Plugging in my phone I roll over and decide to sleep.

❁ ❁ ❁

The next morning is hot, around 33°C, so I decide to wear some comfortable, breathable clothes like my beige plaid skirt and a v-neck white shirt. The outfit reminds me of my old school uniform 'why not go all in then...' I figure and do pigtails aswell.

The trip to work is boring and repetitive. I wish something would spice things up...even a little. At least I get off early today.

I walk up to the big red sign of the shop and proceed in placing my bag behind the counter and sitting down.

Customers will come in check out a jacket or two and leave.

I finally get snapped out of my trance when hear my phone alarm go off "hm?" I reach down and realize I must've set an alarm for break without remembering. 'Maybe I'll go get some (favorite drink) I'm not particularly hungry this morning', grabbing my wallet I make sure my manager is all set before heading out. I take a quick little stroll under the open roof of the mall as I approach the brown fake wooden "drink shack" shop.

When I enter I see that it's still kinda slow since it's the morning hours except a couple people sitting in the back. After getting my drink I decide to head to the middle of the shop where I see a brown haired man sitting at the back bar and that same white haired man sitting at a booth.

I drink my (favorite drink) while keeping my locked gaze on the habitual man for a creepily long time. I was still tired out from my quirk so I must've been zoning out for a second too long...

He looks up at my line of sight and makes direct eye contact. 'I've never seen his eyes before... Red huh? Creepy.' I think to myself while he looks around him probably trying to see what I'm staring at. I try to fix the awkward situation by giving him a little wave but he just shoves his head back down into whatever paper he's scribbling across.

'sigh'

'you know what why not just get up and walk over there he could be a new friend'

I blush at the idea of being so bold I've never been particularly loud or extroverted before. But almost as if my embarrassment and body weren't even in tune I find myself approaching the man. I almost collapse on the booth seat across from him my legs shaking and hands in a clammy cold sweat clutching my drink. "......do..yo-you work here?" I force the conversation out trying to seem confident. His red glare slowly makes its way to my face "AT THE MALL I MEAN!" That came out louder than intended....I can feel my face get hot from all the cringe building up inside my body.

"Why are you bothering me." The words were scratchy and seem to cut out of his throat blunt and awkward. I start to wiggle uncomfortably realizing the humiliating situation I put this stranger and myself in.

"I apologize, I see you around here a lot I thought you may have noticed me." I squeeze out while looking at the table slowly scooting out of the booth.

"Right..." He trails "you work at that clothing shop next to the fountain."

I perk up a bit I guess he did take note of me. "W- yes I do," I stand up and bow "it's a pleasure to meet you officially." I scramble to be polite and smooth the situation over. "Yeah." He seems to be done with me so I nervously spit out "Well feel free to say hi anytime!" before turning back to the shop since my break was over.

I get scolded by your manager for being a bit late. But overall I'm over the moon proud of my confidence, maybe this won't turn out so bad even if he decides to decline your offer.

Quickly finishing up my last few hours of work since I only had a 4 hour shift today and decide to do some window shopping at the mall before leaving looking at other clothing shops and game stores.I had taken a study break from games, but since I have graduated, I've been trying to catch up by skipping sleep thanks to my quirk. Sadly I still find myself exhausted. Nothing catches my eye so I decide to head out.

Taking a stroll around town it's still quite sunny at 1pm, I decide to head to the park next to the local high school. A place I used to frequent a lot. Checking out my phone I see the headlines and new articles everyone seems to be in a frantic state "Destruction and mayhem..." I let slip under my breath while rolling my eyes.

This is why I want to be a veterinarian, actually be helpful. I always feel like heroes and cops are one in the same... Useless. While I start to bask in the sun I start hear squabbling between two males but their faces are blocked by the thick park trees. Leaning over I notice that one of them ran off. Spotting some oddly familiar shoes as the second person starts to walk into view.

To save myself any more staring embarrassment I quickly go back to closing my eyes at the sun only to feel the Bench's weight shift under my bottom. 'Someone is sitting next to me'. I take a peek and see the crusty pale man from the mall. "Hello?" I state looking for a response. With scrunched eyes he looks over at me and makes eye contact. 'he must not get out often' I think to myself.

"Fancy seeing you here" I chuckle to try and start a conversation. "Yeah." He rasps. 'is that all he knows how to say? What a weirdo maybe I shouldn't have approached him' I think before trying again at entertain him "Thank you accepting my of-ffer" stumbling at the end scared I might be annoying him. "Mmm" he grunts.

You're definitely annoying him.

"Do you want my number?" My words break out of my lips like water in a dam

'jeez why don't you just stalk him at this point' scolding myself.

"What makes you think I do." His words offend me in an odd way. "Well I just figured maybe we could become acquainted better that way...maybe?" Even I seem unsure of what I'm saying. Without another word he slaps his unlocked phone in my lap, hurrying to put my number in under (y/n) (l/n). "Feel free to text me anytime, I gotta head out." I say, I don't really need to leave but I'm pretty sure if I'm here any longer all my embarrassment is going to make me crumble.

bowing politely I turn to leave. "Hey." My head spins around to see the scrubby man now standing and looking at his phone, "Bye.", he nods at me before turning off and leaving as well. 'what a blunt man he must not have a lot of friends.... Oh There I go again judging I should really quit'. I seem to be filled with excitement though. Meeting new people is a rush I haven't had the pleasure of feeling in a while. I feel myself smiling all the way home.

#shigaraki tomura #shigaraki x reader #bnha #fanfiction #shigaraki tenko #my hero academia

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levs-mindspace · 5 years

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Chapter two!!!

Paranoia available on Wattpad now!!

That night has been stuck in my head ever since. I slept the night in the store straight into the opening of the next day after I was too scared to go home.

Yes, this story was strange to someone from the outside, but for a witch in New York? It was a death sentence. Think of this: Teen Found dead with Crosses covering her body after she posts runes reading ad online. Even: 19y/o crucified while burnt with own sage in central park.

Living as a witch lately has been more dangerous than ever. These people never knew what was coming since they were some of the first victims, but there have been over 10 killings in the past six months from what the police think is the same man. They have close to no leads to who it is, but I would pay actual money to say it was the man that came here last night.

Who knows maybe he even is a witch come to exterminate the rest of us and his bad tarot skills were just him playing dumb. He sure as hell knew what card to pull out to make me paranoid about him, that's for sure. After some thinking, I left a complaint with the police about a man in my shop. Hopefully, they can find this guy before he finds me again.

I slowly made my way out of the back of the store and into the actual shop portion. I sell everything from deity sculptures, to blank notebooks, to runes and more. If you need anything spiritual, you will find it at The Inner Light.

When I approach the door to turn on the open sign, I notice someone out front. Actually, they are leaned across the bench, almost waiting it seems. After last night, I wasn't taking any chances with strange visitors. I took one of the heavy glass wands off the shelf and armed myself with it before I checked who it was. I slowly reach the handle and open the door... just to find Sarah, my employee, laying outside, presumably waiting for the shop to open so her shift will start.

As quick as I can, I wake her up, bring her in from the cold, wrap her in a blanket, and sit her down in the back. She is in no shape to work right this minute. Especially since it was my anxiety over this man that caused me to oversleep here and forget to open anyways.

"So," Sarah started off with," you haven't been late opening in months, what caused you to now?" I recanted everything of the last night's events to her in extreme detail, yet I left out which card it was and just told her I forgot to check.

As if just to prove my earlier point Sarah muttered, while trying to warm herself even more with the blanket, "It would be kinda scary if he actually pulled the death card out wouldn't it?" So I felt the need to correct her.

"No actually, most of the time the death card actually stands for breaking off old habits and relationships. It's mostly good, but of course, it depends on the circumstances, like always,"

"Oh. well whatever he pulled, I don't even care if its the seven of hearts..."

"Sarah that's not a tarot card"

" I DON'T CARE, whatever he pulled, you deserve a day off from what that man put you through. You go home and I can handle the store today, look!" she said while pulling off her blanket, "I'm not even cold anymore."

Sarah was a nice girl and all, but was she truly capable of handling the store? I mean I live just upstairs anyway. I practically am home.

"I don't know, what if he comes back?" I questioned. if he came back, especially with a knife again, she would be defenseless. She is only new to our coven as well, she knows close to no defensive spells.

"I may not be as magically inclined as you, but I'm a big 6'1 woman, I think I can handle a little man," she joked and laughed. "Seriously though, I'll be fine."

"I'm really trusting you with this one, and thank you," I told her. It will be a relief at least. Hopefully, that relief will overtake my anxiety.

Eh, hope is overrated anyway.

After packing up from the shop, I decided to do a little 'window shopping.' There are multiple mystic shops in New York, but I've always dreamed of being the one that people would go to first. Right now people only come to me for my fortune telling, not the shop itself. So everyone and a while I go to some different shops, posing as a customer, and see what they have that I don't. It's close to always effective.

I decided that my first shop of the day would be Lucky Lucy's. She specializes in crystals, which I do not. I love studying them and have a few of my own, just I don't sell as much of them.

As I walk in, the strong smell of sage hits my nose right away. I thought I burned strong stuff, I was wrong, so wrong.

The walls were lined with every crystal imaginable: Amethyst, citrine, bismuth. Heck, she even had refrigerated gallium at one point, and that's not even a rock.

I had to say, it was impressive. But no matter how good it was, I wouldn't be able to take any tips from it since I don't sell crystals, so I bought some obsidian for my personal collection and left.

I began walking down the street when I had the sinking feeling I was being followed. Luckily from being a woman in New York, I had previous experience with this feeling so I pulled out my safe button. Basically, if I lift my finger off the button it notifies police and ambulances.

I tried to take a longer route, hoping to lead whoever was following me off track. Yet the feeling stayed with me.

I couldn't sense this person's aura though, which threw me off, was I imagining that there was someone?

CRASH

I jumped so hard I slammed my head into the side of the brick wall next to me.

After I fell, I believe I blacked out for a second, because I felt a small tongue licking my face when I came to. It turns out I was being followed by a small black cat. This would explain why I couldn't sense an aura as well; I was never good at telling Animals.

I know it is stereotypical for a witch to find a black cat, but I feel connected to it somehow. Maybe I finally got myself a familiar? But who knows. It's random chance to actually get a familiar that wasn't passed down through your family. Ever since the Satin Puikus Ragana scandals, familiars have been in hiding, maybe it's far time for them to come out.

The puikus Ragana is the highest form of witch possible, but you only become one after you are chosen by the gods. It's said that they have to bathe in the moon, which causes them to shimmer blue in their hair and eyes. After they bathe, they become immortal and fit to raise a coven. In the '70s though, the gods chose a man who was crazed, Satin Browning. He led up a coven that tried to overtake communities and killed all that did not join him. It was a mess within the witch community. Satin disguised himself as a familiar to gain entry into the covens. He listened to learn their secrets and then killed them. Afterward, most people abandoned or cursed their familiars.

This cat though, I assume is just a stray. Anyways, it deserves a good home, it looks starving. Its ribs are almost popping out of its skin at this point. I pick it up and surprisingly, it lets me. It meows at me softly and purrs the entire way back to my shop. Maybe if I keep her in there, her owner will find her? It's a shot in the dark but if it works?

As I approach my shop, she jumps out of my arms, and for a second I thought she was gone forever. Gone to see her owner somewhere. But she sat at the door waiting for me, Almost as if she knew that's where I was already going.

Maybe I have a familiar after all...

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arreisstorm · 5 years

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HAPPY SUGA DAY!

Disclaimer:

****I meant to get this post up on Yoongi's actual birthday but due to Tumblr completely deleting my first draft and having to deal with some crap at work, I haven't really been in my right mind to do so, so unfortunately I wasn't able to get it done in time. Even if it's a little late I hope you guys still enjoy this post!****

So I've been thinking all day what I can say about Min Yoongi that I haven't said already and sadly I'm drawing a blank.

I think everyone knows by now how, underneath that hard and standoff-ish exterior, Yoongi is truly one of the sweetest, most caring members in BTS.

He may be the designated "grandpa" but he can give Jin a run for his money as the "mom" of the group with the way he dotes on every single member in his own way. So instead of me doing a long winded post that loses it train of thought a million times I think I'll expand on how much Yoongi truly loves his brothers:

▪JIN

So when it comes to the relationship these two share, "opposites attract" is the best way I could describe it. While one is outgoing and loud, the other is more reserved and quiet. This duo loves to annoy each other and you can see that every time Jin cracks a face-palm inducing dad joke, and vice versa whenever Yoongi makes fun of Jin for his "old" age. I mean it's obvious to ARMY by now how extra Jin can be at times, but even through all the cringe-worthy moments and second-hand embarrassment, at the end of the day, Yoongi still has great appreciation and respect for him.

▪JIMIN

Like Jin and Yoongi, Jimin and Yoongi are also quite opposites when it comes to their outlook on life. Where Jimin sees positivity, Yoongi is more about realism. It's not that he doesn't want to see the world as a happy place, but he also doesn't want to be blind to the truth either. That's why these two work so well together, one is the lifts the other up while the other protects them from harm.

▪TAEHYUNG

It's no secret that Tae marches to the beat of his own drum, but it is because of this fact that Yoongi finds him so endearing. During an episode of BV the two were partnered up to spend time together and even when everyone else said they would never agree on anything, Yoongi had the perfect solution. He cares a lot for Tae and he knows how hard the past few years have been for him after losing precious loved ones, so he's kind of been the one looking out for him behind the scenes.

▪JUNGKOOK

When it comes to emotional vulnerability, I would say Kookie and Yoongi are two peas in a pod. Neither one chooses to wear their hearts on their sleeves, but on the rare occassions when they do, you can guarantee you will find yourself crying along with them. There's a lot of pressure and uncertainty that goes alongside being the maknae of the group, and even more so when you're the golden maknae, and that's why I think Yoongi has taken it upon himself to help shoulder those burdens by taking care of him. Whether it's sticking up for him, encouraging him, or simply offering to buy him a proper meal, Yoongi has always been a great hyung to Kookie. And who could forget the iconic moment of "Friendship is Irish Bomb"? Haha

▪HOSEOK

Ok, so there's a lot with this relationship. We have day meets night, dark meets light, and cynicism meets positivity. These two contrast so much but still connect on the same level in countless other ways. Both are 2/3 that form one of the best raplines I've ever seen. Both are very passionate about what they do (J-Hope: dance, Yoongi: music) and they have worked their butts off to reached the point they're at now. Because Yoongi is such a realist, he is constantly overwhelmed with the state of the world, and he desperately needs to see the happier side that he might be missing...that's where Hobi comes in. There's a reason he was given the nickname he was given, he provides everyone around him with hope and happiness when they need it most, and that especially applies to Yoongi.

When you constantly find yourself in the limelight it can be hard not to lose yourself within it. You might even forget your sense of self and instead be reduced to nothing more than a preconception told from a cameras perspective; that's when friends are the best cure, and Hobi just so happens to be that friend. These two are important for one another because whenever they're together it seems to be nothing but laughs and genuine smiles. They are carefree and able to be themselves around each other. To have that sense of freedom is probably a rare occasion for BTS in general, but even more so for the one who's know to be the "cold-hearted" and I'm happy he can find it with Hobi.

▪NAMJOON

Finally we have these two: Namjoon and Yoongi.

I've decided to save this one for last because to me they have a bond that completely differs from all others previously mentioned. These two have known each other the longest, have lived together the longest, and have seen each other at their worst points. Before debuting these two would fight constantly, both due to genuine disagreements, and also because of the countless hardships and pressure they had thrown at them. They have grown with each other and have been there to strengthen each other every step of the way.

Yoongi might not be one to express his feelings so openly, but every time I see the clip of him crying with Joon after receiving their first MAMA award It's obvious how much he does care and how much this all means to him.

To be honest, Yoongi never fails to show his love and support whenever his brothers are feeling down, and that especially goes for Joon. With him being the leader of BTS there is so much added pressure and expectations to live up to that it can be overwhelming, and on top of all of it, being the designated translator, writing and producing most of BTS' songs, and also trying to learn the choreography to go along with said song can seem next to impossible; Yoongi sees these struggles and he does all he can to help lessen the weight.

These two honestly do share one of the most profound bonds and I believe nothing could severe it completely. They might still have their fights, I mean they're human, it's bound to happen, but the respect and admiration they have for one another wins out every time.

As much as they love each other, these two also love to screw with each other too. Yoongi constantly makes fun of Joon for his clumsiness and Joon makes fun of Yoongi for his laziness, but in the end these two wouldn't be who they are without the other.

Yoongi once said in an interview that Joon is one of his favorite people he's ever met and if he had to pick a person to spend his last day with he would pick him. Then Joon in a different interview mentioned how Yoongi is basically his mirror and he takes care of the thing that Joon is unable to. These two compliment each other so well, and musically speaking, their backgrounds come from very similar places that they just know how the other runs. If Hobi allows Yoongi to act himself and to let loose physically, then Joon is his emotional release. They know how to have those deep heart-to-heart conversation without worrying what the other might think. Yoongi is able to use his words and is able to open up to Joon about any doubts, fear, or anxiety he might be struggling with, as well as using them to provide Joon with the assurance he needs that he is doing a good job as the leader; and in return, Joon gives Yoongi that sense of comfort and stability whenever he needs it.

Min Yoongi and Kim Namjoon.

Yoonie and Joonie.

Suga and RM.

AGUST D and Rap Monster.

Lil Meow Meow and Killer Dimples.

These boys are one in the same: two overall geniuses who started as underground rappers possessing skills of insane flow and destructive lyrics, then forced to become idols, who eventually helped redefined what idols are, and now are global superstars that have created the golden rapline (with Hobi), are living their wildest dreams yet still remain humble, as well as unapologetic about incorporation crucial social topics into their songs.

There's a reason these two get along so well and that's because of years of being around each other, having the same deep, philosophical thought process, and knowing that hard work, sleepless nights, and finding growth within personal struggles are what it takes to reach your ultimate goal.

The point is, if you're still with me that is haha, is that Suga tends to have this reputation that he is cold-hearted and aloof when it comes to the rest of the members, but honestly who wouldn't be exhausted and not wanting to participate in different events after having not slept for days on end and pouring their blood, sweat, tears (not intentional btw) into their creations?! Suga is one of the hardest working, passionate, individuals out there and if he didn't sacrifice so much for us, far beyond what this post can tell you, then BTS would not exist the way we know it now. It because he is willing to put his own health and well-being on hold --despite ARMY and the boys wishes-- and take on this almost altruistic behavior that I have so much respect and admiration for Yoongi. And anyone who says that this man is cold or that he hates his members...Have you not seen this man's precious, gummy smile when he's having the time of his life with his favorite people? There's a reason he chose to call himself "Suga" and that's because underneath that hard outer shell, deep down Min Yoongi is nothing but pure sweetness who isn't afraid to dream big and wants to see those he loves succeed to their fullest potential.

He is our resident grandpa, a musical genuis, and can spit fire while roasting people with the highest level of savageness you can achieve. He is the 2nd oldest, the hyung who tends to show his love when the cameras aren't rolling, and he is the backbone of BTS who slaves away in the recording studio to produce these insane tracks we all love so much. He is the only one that I've noticed who mirrors and compliments Namjoon's own thoughts and feelings and he is a huge reason why BTS has been so successful like they are.

We love you

Min Yoongi

Suga

AGUST D

Lil Meow Meow

Grandpa Yoongs

I hope you had a great birthday and thank you for everything you have done for BTS in the past, everything you're doing in the present, and everything you will do in the future. You are one of my biggest inspirations and I wish you all the best!

화이팅! 💜

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kairi-lansley · 6 years

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I want to tell you all a true story. None of this is fabricated or exaggerated. I'm not going to give every single detail because this will already be a long post. I want to tell you a true story about the love of my life:

When you're a hitch-hiker, life is completely different from how normal people live it. You learn to live and survive completely off of the kindness of strangers and have to roll with whatever the universe decides to throw at you that day. Everything can change, you're life could be in danger if you make a bad decision.

By the time I'd reached Taos, NM my money was completely spent. I was out of real food and the only thing I had to eat for three days were some homemade pot cookies that I had been rationing because I needed SOMETHING to eat. I had been sitting out on the sidewalk next to a Walmart flying a sign so I could get enough change to buy myself something substantial to eat.

While I was sitting there with a cardboard sign that said "Spare some change to fuel my rocket ship" (it was my favorite sign and people typically threw me whatever they could because they found it amusing) a guy about my age walked over to me. He introduced himself as "Tex." His hair was blond and shaved down into a military style cut, his eyes were the same green-blue as mine, and he was about 5'11. He asked if I was a traveler. I told him I was and he explained to me that he was as well and that he was on his way to The National Rainbow Gathering. That was my destination as well. He asked how long I'd been in Taos to which I replied I'd only just arrived that day.

By this time I'd made enough change to walk over to McDonald's and grab myself a couple cheeseburgers so he offered to walk with me. We talked about our travels, he was here from Austin, TX, this was his first time hitch-hiking too, his dad had passed away from cancer and when that happened he decided to hit the road and find himself. We ate lunch together. I told him my story. How I had been horribly depressed and living alone in my own apartment when a couple of my friends had showed up from Iowa to ask if I wanted to travel. Little did they know I was about to overdose and had everything set up to do so. Part way through our journey we decided to split up and race to the Gathering.

"So you're alone then?" he asked, wolfing down his large fries.

"Yeah," I replied. "Aren't we all though?"

There was something in that moment when he looked at me. A kind of quiet stillness. He saw through the facade of a joke I'd made. He saw I wasn't just talking about traveling and he saw that I was terribly, agonizingly alone I was. Either that or I'm just projecting because it was exactly what I saw in him too. We made an agreement that moment, not with words, there were none, just silence. We would travel the rest of the way to the gathering together.

After our lunch he asked if I'd like to walk around town with him. Taos is a beautiful little town. To the east there were mountains and to the west nothing but desert and mesa. We'd spent the whole day just walking around, looking at all the little touristy shops. Joking, laughing, at one point we flew a sign together to get some dinner and ate it picnic style in the middle of Taos Plaza where there was a free jazz show being played. While we were sitting there a man came over to us. He introduced himself to us and asked if we had been flying a sign outside of Walmart. I told him we had and then he asked where we were staying.

"We haven't actually figured that out yet. Probably in a park." Tex told the man.

The guys smiled, "Not tonight you're not. I'm staying over at the Sun God Inn for the next two weeks while I'm here on business and I have a spare bed. If you two need a place to rest your head later you can come down."

Tex and I thanked this stranger profusely and he told us what room he was in. He sat with us a bit longer before deciding he'd had enough of the free concert and wanted to go back to his room.

"You two enjoy your evening and just come knocking when you need."

After the man left, Tex and I stayed listening to the music. The sun had started to set and I remember thinking that New Mexico sunsets were far more beautiful than any other place I'd been. Tex stood up and shyly smiled then asked, "So I know you're not really a girl.... and that's okay with me.... and I'm Bisexual.... and I ain't that good at this sort of thing.... but would you maybe like to dance with me?"

My heart stopped. I was a little wounded about the "not really a girl" but it didn't matter because he meant well. I recall looking up at him and saying "I only know how to dance like a stripper." He laughed. With a gloved hand he took mine, pulled me to me feet, then insisted that I dance with him. I protested a bit giving him a million reasons why I can't dance before he said "Who cares? None of these people are going to see us again." He was right.

We spent maybe half an hour slow dancing in the plaza, under the burnt orange sky of the setting sun. I remember thinking this was the most incredible thing that's ever happened. He was so cute, definitely dirty but then again so was I since it'd been at least a week since my last shower. It didn't matter. I was happy, and his eyes were the most beautiful eye's I'd ever seen. The whole day had been amazing.

After the music stopped he asked if I was tired yet. I told him I wasn't so he asked if I wanted to go sit in the park. I remembered that I'd had a few more o those pot cookies left over so I suggested we could go down to Kit Carson Memorial Park and eat them. That's what we ended up doing. It was there on a picnic table under the stars where we were talking and stoned out of our minds when he grabbed my hand then very slowly leaned in and gave me our first kiss. To this day, no other kiss could ever compare.

After making out in the park for a bit we decided to go and sleep at the Inn the man had told us he was at. When we got there we knocked on the door. He was pretty drunk and welcomed us warmly. We stayed up for a while talking to him, telling the man about our travels, where we were going, talking about our lives, until he eventually decided to go to sleep. He gave us the remote and told us we could shower. So I showered first (it'd been so long I forgot how good they felt) and then Tex took one after me. I was laying under the covers flipping through channels while our host was sleeping in the other bed.

When Tex got out of the shower wearing just his boxer-briefs I stared at him in silent adoration. Shit, I was really developing some incredibly strong feelings for this guy. There wasn't a single thing about him I could find off putting or unattractive. That night he fell asleep holding me with his face in my hair.

When we woke up the next morning, our host had gone out and left us some coffee and donuts before he went wherever he had to go. There was also a note that said "Feel free to stay however long you need. There are some mushrooms in the nightstand. Be back later. Enjoy! ;)"

A lot of that day in the room was a blur but there were a few notable moments that I still recall. For instance while we were tripping I was laying on the bed holding hands with him and it felt like our life forces were melding, merging, our souls were one, we were one, and he told me this was how it was always supposed to be. Us against the world. I remember giggling when the Native American Shaman in the ceiling agreed with us. I remember giggling when we shut off the lights then removed the lamp shades from the lamps then placed them on our heads, playing some weird version of peek-a-boo. Finally, as we were coming down we held eachother and he said "Did you know I've loved you my entire life?" and I replied "Yes, because I've loved you my entire life."

Our host returned later that night, he was drunk again and we'd spent the day cuddling and talking in bed. Our host said something before he passed out that unnerved me a little but I brushed it off as just flattery, he said "You're a lucky man Tex. You're girlfriend is one hell of a catch." He then went on to tell us we were welcome to stay however long he needed.

The next day we woke up and decided to wander town. There's so many details I'm leaving out, but that's okay, I can't forget any of it. We were in love with eachother's souls that's all that matters right? At one point that day after we had spanged up enough money to eat lunch we were walking through town when we came across a bicycle at the park sitting unchained.

"You wanna borrow that?" Tex asked.

"Borrow? What do you mean? You mean steal it?" I asked nervously.

"No not steal! We're just going to borrow it then we'll bring it back."

Before I could say no he hopped on the bike and had me sit on the handle bars. It was terrifying yet exhilarating at the same time. We rode around town on the bike for a couple hours before my anxiety took over and I told him we needed to return the bike. So we did, and I was high on being a bad criminal that returns their stolen goods. No harm no foul. Again we slept at the motel, but that night our host busted out a guitar and played us classic rock songs while we sang along.

The next day Tex woke me up and said, "Hey I'm going to go down to Walmart and fly a sign. I'll be back in a few hours if that's okay." Our host had given us a key card to the room. I said that was alright and that I was just going to just hang out in the room because it was so hot outside. He kissed me, told me he loved me, and left.

About an hour later our host returned unexpectedly. He was drunk. More drunk than I'd seen him previously. I don't wanna go to into detail about what happened next but he said again "That boyfriend of yours is one lucky man" and then started to force himself on me. I was terrified, this man was bigger than me, stronger than me, and I was in such a state of shock that all I could do to fight back was to scream at him. Tex came back while this was all happening. I've never seen anyone get the shit beat out of them like that in my life, but Tex ripped the man off of me and kicked his ass. I was still shaken and he instructed me to grab my backpack. Our host was sitting bloodied and beaten against a wall and I watched as Tex grabbed his wallet, pulled out a hundred dollar bill, then threw the wallet at the man.

We left the room. I was still shaking and Tex did everything he could to calm me down, making sure I was alright, asking me if I needed anything, and kept repeating "I love you, I'm sorry, I love you." We made our way down the main strip and used the hundred dollar bill to get us a room in a different hotel for the night. We agreed that our time in Taos was over and that tomorrow we would head out of town for The Rainbow Gathering. We spent the night together, him consoling me after I had bandaged up his knuckles. We made love that night. He asked me if I'd marry him. I said yes. He said we'd do it tomorrow.

The next morning we caught a ride out of Taos and had our ride drop us off at the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge on U.S. Highway 68. We stood over the gorge hand in hand. There were other tourists on the bridge but we payed no notice to them. He turned to me after we stood in silence together and we had a mock ceremony. We made up vows on the spot, and we each other's hands with a knife then allowed our blood to mix and fall to the gorge below stating that blood is bond. We were happy.

After our little private ceremony we caught a ride west with a couple of guys who had been going by the bridge. They drove us all the way out to this crossroads outside of Tres Piedras. It had started to rain so we took shelter in a rusted car that was filled with trash sitting next to an abandoned gas station. It wasn't the ideal honeymoon spot but we were happy regardless. We spent the day in the car, we ate some dry ramen blocks, and finished the rest of my pot cookies. We were entirely happy.

The next day we woke up in the car and there was a Winnebago parked across the street with a woman sitting at a table outside of it. I decided to see what was going on so I got out of the car with no shoes on and started to walk over. I mis-stepped and stubbed my big toe, ripping all but a couple layers of flesh off of it. It was absolutely excruciating. I hobbled my way over to the woman who looked to be in her mid-forties. She was incredibly rude and very stuck up. I asked if she had any bands aids and she said no, so I asked if she had any paper towel, and she told me I'd have to pay fifty cents per piece. I was angry but since I didn't have an option I did so. I hobbled back over to the car and Tex woke up when I got in. I asked him if he had any tape or rubberband and he didn't so he rummaged through the random trash in the backseat and thankfully found a green rubberband wrapped around an old newspaper. He took the paper towel and folded it around my toe then wrapped it in place with the rubberband. It wasn't much but that's all we could do.

We spent the rest of the day sitting in the car. We figured out pretty quick that we were in a pretty bad position. The entire time we'd been there not a single car had passed. I remember saying, "If we die out here I'm glad we'll be doing it together." He smiled and kissed me on the lips, "I'm sure we won't die but I agree." The whole day passed by and we spent it talking, making out, talking some more. Just when we were about to give up hope of getting picked up and were preparing to figure out where the nearest town was, a pick up truck pulled into the abandoned gas station. Tex jumped out of the car and went running over to the passenger window. He talked to whoever it was then half skipped half run with the goofiest smile on his face. "Grab your stuff, babe, they're going to the gathering too!" I was so excited that I left my camera in the car and didn't realize it until we were already on the way.

The two men who gave us a ride were going to stay the night with an old friend of theirs and told us we were welcome to stay too. Tex and I were so happy to sleep in a real bed after having been in that car for so long. As soon as we got in bed together and cuddled up we fell right to sleep. I remember the next morning waking up to him laying next to me with a smile. He'd said he'd been awake for a bit and was just watching me sleep. It was the sweetest thing I'd heard. I nuzzled him and told him I loved him. We layed in bed snuggled up, enjoying the silent bond we both shared. After a while a knock came at the door and the younger of the two men said it was time to leave. So we got up, grabbed our bags and made our way out to the truck. Our hands were practically glued together the whole way except when we were passing joints with the other guys.

Once we got to our destination we were both incredibly stoned out of our minds. What happened next, is difficult to describe unless you've been to one of these gatherings. There are THOUSANDS of people and it's easy to get lost. We hadn't set up camp yet and I really had to pee so I went to find the communal piss ditch. We made our way to the trading circle which wasn't so much a circle as it was a road. He had stopped to look at something that someone was trying to trade. I asked him if he minded if I tried to find the ditch.

He smiled his beautiful smile and said, "Not at all, babe, I'll come find you when I'm done here."

"Okay." I said dancing from one foot to the next. Before I could turn around he pulled me close to him and gave me a kiss. I can still feel it as if it just happened.

"I love you more than you could know. And when I'm done we'll go set up camp and have a real honeymoon."

I told him I loved him too, that I'd see him in a few minutes. I eventually found the ditch and did my business. I stood at the end of the path that led to it waiting for him. He never showed. So after a while I went looking for him. I never saw him again.

Several years later I started asking around about him. Last night I found out Tex had passed away a couple years ago. He had been train hopping with another traveler. He tried to get off of a train and misjudged the speed as well as the jump. This traveler told me he was married, that he had fallen in-love and they got married a few days after meeting in Taos. That she was his soulmate. They got separated at the rainbow gathering and no matter how much or how hard he looked he could never find her again. He held out hope until the very end that we would be brought back together.

My heart aches. My soul weeps. RIP Tex. RIP My Soulmate.

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elricwest · 5 years

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For all those Nalu fans out there, here is my newest fanfic. Chapters are posted on fanfiction.net if you want to read there.

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"Things are looking up, oh finally…" For the first time in Lucy's life, things were actually really great. She had a great job as an editor for a publishing firm in the city she always dreamed of living in, Crocus. Her apartment wasn't what she'd always imagined she'd live in but it was a lot better than some of the places around town. But, her proudest achievement, she was in a solid relationship!

So many guys had come along but none had made the cut. From wish washy to self absorbed to complete asshole, Lucy had pretty much dated them all and had sworn off men… until she met him. They met through a friend and seemed to click immediately.

He was kind and sweet, considerate and doted on her every minute they were together… which most times wasn't long because of his job, according to him. He claimed he was some manager of the stars or at least of some important people.

They had been dating now for nearly eight months and Lucy deemed it time for the next step… meeting the parents. Or at least parent. Her mother had died a long time ago in a car accident when she young but her father, Jude, was still around. The small town she grew up in, Magnolia, was having their annual town festival and with many of Lucy's childhood friends coming home, it was the perfect time to introduce him. Her prince charming… Dan Straight.

She switched between humming and singing along to the Paramore song as she packed her bags for the week long trip. She hadn't been home in quite some time but she felt ready, well, namely all the expected check marks were checked off the list and no one could berate her anymore!

The sound of chimes tore her attention away from her suitcase momentarily. The familiar tone coming from her phone sitting on the dresser behind her alerted her who was calling. Ecstatic, Lucy picked up the phone, "Levy-chan!"

"Lu-chan! It's so good to hear from you! We haven't talked in a few weeks!" Lucy chuckled at her best friend. If you bottled pure joy into a bottle and mixed in some sunshine, that was Levy to a T. "Are you excited about the festival?"

Lucy held the phone between her cheek and her shoulder so she could continue packing. "Yes I am! I mean I am finally bringing a man along with me so everyone can stop asking me when I am going to find someone."

"Oh I know, I'm bringing Gajeel with me so he can join in the amazing pastimes of our quaint little town."

"You mean sitting around drinking alcohol and talking about one another?"

Levy paused before responding, " Umm… yeah pretty much." Lucy giggled in response. "so who is this mystery man you're bringing home?"

"I'm not telling…" Lucy replied coyly.

"Whaaaaa… not fair. I told you who I was bringing."

"You and Gajeel have been dating for months know that's no surprise."

"True, True. Hey! You excited for a good ol' Fairy Tail reunion?!"

Fairy Tail High… the place where teens of Magnolia discovered who they were and where that would lead them in life. Mostly for Lucy it was a time to break away from the dramatic life she lived. Her dad was constantly working and became a bit of a hermit after her mother died. What made it worse were the murmurs around town about her and her family, her only solace was her friends at school. But unfortunately they all went their separate ways after they graduated. This trip would be the first time in 5 years they would all be together!

Her feet mindlessly moved her away from the suitcase and towards the bookshelf in the other room. She pulled the familiar yearbook from its place on the shelf and sat down onto the nearest chair.

"Did you hear that Erza and Jellal confirmed?" Levy stated.

"Really? I thought they couldn't with their kids?"

"Erza's mom was able to babysit for them so they are coming out!" Lucy flipped through her senior year book, her eyes falling on a picture of Jellal and Erza. They always were the power couple. Her eyes landed on a picture of Juvia laughing right after she slammed a whip cream pie into Gray's face. "And Juiva and Gray are coming… has he asked her out yet?"

"I think their relationship is a mutual pining." Levy explained. "I heard Natsu confirmed."

Lucy's heart stopped… Natsu, her best friend growing up. The two of them were inseparable since they first met at the age of 5. They used to live right next door to one another, that is until her father's business went belly up and they had to move. Well, that and her father's health hasn't been the best lately so he moved into a two-bedroom house with their caretaker Mrs. Spetzo.

He defended her against the vicious bullies in the second grade, he taught her how to ride a bike when she was 7, he helped her make her volcano for her science project in the 5th grade, he stole her first kiss when she was 13, he had helped her through her mother's passing when she was 16… they vowed to stay in contact with one another after graduation… but what happened?

"Oh…" was all her mouth could seem to udder. She turned the page to see a picture of the two of them flexing their arms at the Field Day event.

A honk from outside drew her attention away from the book. Lucy stood up in such a hurry, she didn't notice the book fall to the floor. Lucy peered out the front window to see Dan sitting in his brand new convertible. She waved and signaled she'd be down in a second but Dan just waved her off.

"I gotta go, Levy-chan, my ride is here."

"Ooooh, enjoy, I will see you soon!" Lucy hung up, quickly grabbed her jacket and purse and took off out the door. Lucy practically skipped all the way to the car, a huge grin adorning her face.

"Hey babe!" she yelled as she opened the door and took a seat on the passenger side. Dan didn't seem to react to her presence at all so she decided to take her frustration out on the door. "Watch it!" Dan yelled. Lucy stared at him in shock. "Be gentle with her, she's new," Dan cooed as he leaned over her lap to pet the car door.

Lucy, obviously annoyed, said, "So where are we going tonight?" an straightened back up and began to drive away, "The fanciest restaurant in town."

"That sounds romantic!"

The ride to the restaurant was mostly silence mixed in with a splash of awkward conversation, mostly about Dan's new car. Lucy was happy to step foot out of it, hoping without the car Dan would actually take the time and talk to her.

"How many sir?" the hostess asked.

Dan wrapped an arm around Lucy's waist as he spoke, "Two and I believe I have a reservation under Straight." Lucy (pretended) not to notice his wink after talking to her and the blush of the hostess. As the two waited to be sat, Lucy took the time to look around the restaurant. The décor was beautiful and serene, an excellent place to go on a date.

"Dan?! Is that you?" The blonde turned to see an unknown man and woman walking up to Dan. "W-what are you guys doing here?"

"We are celebrating our anniversary tonight. Oh are you here with Angel?"

"Uhh…"

Lucy stepped forward and peered around Dan's shoulder. "Hello, I'm Lucy." The couple seemed very surprised to see her but was even more surprised when the male began to reach out to take her extended hand but the woman swatted it away. "Who are you?" she questioned.

"Lu…cy, I'm Dan's girlfriend."

The woman froze before slowly growing angry, "Interesting, considering Dan is married."

It didn't take two seconds before Lucy stormed out of the restaurant and began walking down the street back to her apartment. "Lucy! Lucy wait!" she heard in the distance. Lucy wrapped her jacket around her tighter and began walking faster. "Lucy, stop!"

"Why?!" she yelled as she whipped around to face the man she thought was 'the one.'

"We need to talk about this."

"About what?! How you deceived me for 8 months. Ugh, and to think I wanted to marry you!"

"Well, if I told you I was married, you never would have slept with me!" She snapped… Lucy balled up her fist as tight as she could, until her knuckles turned white, and she swung as hard as she could towards his stupid, cheating face. The impact sent Dan flying back onto the ground and left him knocked out cold.

…

Lucy threw open her apartment door, ran to her bedroom and collapsed on her bed. She couldn't hold it in any longer as the tears flowed from her eyes. It looks like her track record for men still held true; well, now she could add cheater to the list. Why was her dating life so bad?! Was she doomed to be single the rest of her life?!

Her phone next to her began to chime. She glanced up long enough to see it was her father calling. Lucy reached up, grabbed the phone from the nightstand and declined the call. She let her face fall back into the pillow, not caring of the mascara that was definitely running down her cheeks and onto the pillow.

Within a few seconds, her phone sounded again. Lucy looked at the phone and saw her father's image on the screen. With a loud groan and as much enthusiasm as she could muster, she accepted the call. "Hey, Dad." She loved her dad, really, just sometimes he was a bit pushy with his expectations of her. Also… now really wasn't the time.

"Hi, honey, all packed for the trip?"

Lucy looked down at her thrown together suitcase, "Almost."

"I'm so glad you are coming home. It feels like it's been forever since you've been here."

"Yeah it's been some time…" Lucy said throwing a sigh in there.

"You know… I've been thinking…" Ugh! Not this again, she thought as she sat up.

When her dad though it was usually about her future, specifically with relationships. "You're almost 27 now and you're getting to that point where you've reached your peak physical attraction level…"

"Oh my Mavis, Dad!"

"What?! I just want my daughter to not be single for the rest of her life." Lucy face palmed, great way to bring this up.

"Why are you so invested in my dating life anyway?!" she yelled back. This was the last straw; she was tired of all the pressure to get married. When she was younger, it was about arranged marriages to better the company but since it went under its been about letting her pick who she married but it had to be sooner rather than later.

She had had enough of the constant nagging, I was time to take a stand.

"Because I would like to at least meet my future son-in-law before I die!" Lucy paused.

"What do you mean?"

Her father's sigh was audible on her end of the phone. "I met with the specialist today… He said it's the Big C and terminal."

"B-but you were doing great last week…" Lucy almost couldn't believe what she was hearing. She reverted to what she knew… logic.

"I have good days and bad days, but they seem to be few and far between nowadays." Lucy couldn't do much but stare down at the ground. Her mind was blank, her chest tight, and she couldn't seem to breathe.

"All I want, as a man in my last few days, is to meet the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with… to make sure you're taken care of after I'm gone."

"Dad…"

"But at least there's hope, right? This man you're bringing to the festival…" Crap! She forgot about that for a second. What was she gonna tell him?! "Dad… about that…" I was dating a married man so at least he would know the tips and tricks to a great marriage, right?! Ugh…

She took a deep breath to respond to her father, hopefully the truth wouldn't break his heart. As she breathed in, her foot hit something hard. Confused, Lucy looked down to see her yearbook she was looking at earlier face down on the ground. With a sigh, she bent down to pick it up.

"This 'mystery man…' Is he the one for you?" he asked. Lucy grabbed the book and stood up to place it back on the shelf, which only released some loose papers inside of it. Lucy sighed even harder before stooping down to pick them up.

Lucy turned over the first picture to see it was a collage of pictures of herself and Natsu throughout their lives. Her father continued going on about something in her hear but she was captivated by the images in front of her. She glanced over a photo of the two of them in a kiddie pool when they were younger, of Natsu in his football uniform and her in her cheerleader uniform… Her eyes lanced over all the photos until she flipped the paper over. The backside was covered with a handwritten letter from Natsu, his 'goodbye' letter which is customarily written in the yearbooks themselves.

Her eyes looked at every word before the signature on the bottom… the name she knew all too well. Beside the signature was a selfie he had taken of the two of the their senior year. Her head was slightly down and she was laughing because Natsu was kissing her temple. She smiled at the memory… she was so happy around him.

Her eyes began to widen, and her head turned and raised. Before she could think about what she was doing, she spoke, "Dad… what if I told you, you've already met him?"

#fairy tail #nalu fanfiction #natsu dragneel #lucy heartfilia

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