#why is it so hard to make myself believe I’m allowed to take up space? why is it so hard to ask for help??

[teecupangel]

Here's an idea I think you might enjoy: animus but Des is in their head, controlling them. They can feel it and talk to him and everything, ratatouille style.

……………… You know what would be funny, nonny?

If Desmond sucks at controlling them.

Like, we’ve heard the rites of passage in AC games:

We make them jump instead of doing a leap of faith

We accidentally make them climb the wrong high building and the actual viewpoint is the tower next to it

We miscalculate a jump and fall into the waters below or into an unsuspecting civilian

And there’s the game specific problems I refuse to believe I’m the only one who suffered thru it.

So just imagine Desmond trying to control them in the Animus and they know they’re being controlled.

There’s this… change in the air around them. It feels more charged. More… mysterious.

And they also become clumsier for some goddamn reason.

Incidents include:

Altaïr falling into the waters in the docks of Acre for the fifteenth time and he just hisses under his breath, “What is wrong with you?! Do you enjoy seeing me wet?!” and Desmond’s just “Dude, your control sucks!” which leads to Altaïr having an argument with Desmond under his breath about how his ‘control’ (whatever that means) does not suck, Desmond just sucks at this thing he likes to call ‘platforming’ and they both just agreed that, yeah, okay, they’re gonna assassinate Sibrand by going around instead even if it meant Altaïr had to walk slowly and pretend to be praying the entire time.

Altaïr breathing heavily as he glared at the ten (nope, five more guards found him in open combat, damn it) guards trying to kill him. One of them stepped forward and raised his sword. Altaïr readied himself and he still got hit, “(Growl)! Desmond! Get your timing right!” “Your Hidden Blade counter timing is too fast, Altaïr! Let’s just use your swor-” “No! You will learn how to counter using the hidden blade or, I swear, I will find a way to control you and drill it to your body myself!” (Guards just glance at each other, thinking “oh shit, he’s insane”)

Ezio just staring into the sky as he places his hands on his waist as he called out, “Desmond! How about we try this again later?” “No! I almost got it!” “……… It’s been an hour, Desmond. Let’s try clearing this tomb after-” “No! We’re gonna get that Armor today if it’s the last thing we do! Just… this goddamn time limit is annoying! Time limit sucks!” Ezio who is already used to the mysterious voice (who calls himself Desmond)’s strange words: “………… (sigh)”

“I can take them out. Desmond, please, I’m begging you, let me take them out. I can do-” (Desmond takes control and Ezio watches as his recruits take down the targets) The recruits looking at Ezio for approval. Ezio: Bene, that was a good takedown. (inside, Ezio is just tired because Desmond is enjoying all this ‘summoning’ thing too much…)

“Why can’t we have different lethal bombs?! You have the ingredients for it!” “I don’t know, Desmond. Could we just please finish preparing all the bombs?” “Dude, wouldn’t it be better if we have, like, all of these bombs?” “… I don’t think I have enough space in belt for all of them…” “You should get a bag.” “(Sigh) Desmond, we already talked about this. This Animus of yours don’t allow more ‘inventory’, right?” (inside, Ezio is wondering what his life has become that he sorta kinda understand the words leaving his mouth)

“Desmond… I’m imploring you to not mess this up.” “I’m trying, man, this is hard.” “Who are you talking to, Haytham?” “Ziio! No… no one.” “…” “… sigghhh… Desmond say hello to Ziio.” “Hi, Ziio.” “… is this a curse placed upon you white men?” “…” “…” “…” “Perhaps.” “Sorta?”

“You are a Templar. May the Father of Understanding guide us.” “May the Father of Understanding guide us.” “Wait, what?!” “…” “…” “Master Kenway, is something the matter?” “… no, Charles. I simply… remembered something foul.”

“It’s okay, Desmond. You’ll get this soon enough. Just take a deep breath and………… Desmond. Desmond. Please stop doing whatever you’re doing right now. My head is starting to hurt.” “It’s not me! The cameras of these tree view points sucks ass!”

“How is it you came to captain a ship, given the way you sail?” “Oh, screw you, Haytham! You wanna talk shit, why don’t you try doing this shit yourself, huh?!” “…” “…” “…” “… Apologies, father. Desmond was out of line.” “No, I’m not, fuck you, Haytham!” “I can say with absolute delight I have not missed you one bit, Desmond.” “Bite me, tacohead.” “I still do not know what that means.”

[ka0ila]

| Smoke Break

warnings - depression, smoking, angst, hurt, argument, sensitive topics, suicide attempt(lmk if theres more)

summary - you and seungmin had a messy argument, you thought you’d just take a small smoke break, but was it just a smoke break?

pairing - roommate!seungmin x depressed!reader

• m.list

© Ka0ila 2023 — all rights reserved. i do not allow translations, or any kind of distribution on other platforms. this is my only account.

i tried. i really, really tried.

i really tried to be better, not for me but for him.

i really tried believing everything will be merry if i just worked hard, i did.

but i’m breaking, breaking down pieces by pieces each day, hurting everyone around me, looking at all the disappointed faces.

i really tried, really tried be someone he’d want.

someone mature, successful, peaceful to be with.

but me? i’m depressed, struggling, and draining to be with.

he left 5 days ago for his business trip to Paris, leaving the house to me. i came back from work the day before he’s gonna arrive and find a messy apartment to myself. i sigh keeping my bag putting my hands on my face huffing.

i need to clean this, i can’t give him more reasons to hate me.

i had really fallen in love, but i know if i ever end up having him, i’ll completely ruin him. i can’t have anyone stay, i have no promises to make, i can’t even promise myself.

i pick up the pair of socks on the ground, followed by my old shirt and slowly steadily started cleaning the place.

i never really smoke at him, i don’t want him to know i smoke, it’s disgusting, but i’m so into it i can’t get out. a small smoke break won’t hurt? right?

i made my way to the balcony, mesmerised by the beauty of the skyscrapers and apartments. i always found myself coming back to new york. always. for some reason i always end up here, and i don’t hate it. i love this city truly, but i hate the memories attached to it. looking at a couple walking down the road i take a puff.

A second one wouldn’t hurt right? second became third, third became fourth, fourth became fifth, there was nothing to stop me, nobody to care for, no fear to get caught, then why stop?

“(y/n)?” i flinched, seungmin? but he wasn’t coming till tomorrow?

i hurriedly throw my cigarette out,

“seungmin? you’re early.” i try to act normal as a puff came out of my mouth.

“you’re smoking?” he frowned, it felt as if he was taunting. i didn’t say anything, words betrayed me, i stood there still.

“do whatever but not in my apartment.” he said scoffing. why was he being so mean? oh so he didn’t care at all? his apartment?

it hurt my ego, and i let it get the best of me.

“your apartment seungmin? where you are rarely in? sure. I will smoke wherever i want seungmin” i mock. he was staring at me, disappointed?

“i have work (y/n) , not like you— fuck why am i even arguing with you? you’re just an useless roommate who can’t keep the apartment clean for 5 fucking days or have the decency to not smoke in the apartment.” he leaves.

i stare, stare and stare blanky. i freeze at his words, but i was really trying, i really was. i stood still, processing.

i felt something on my hand, water? was i crying?

i slowly walk towards my room’s bathroom, a cold shower bath would really help right now.

as i was laying in the bathtub, i go down and down, slowly, and i didn’t protest, i let it happen, i look at the ceiling, did i really want this? to live like this? fake hopes? pain? temporary happiness?

i said alot to her, i couldve handled it differently, fuck. i heard her open her room’s door, i saw her walk into the bathroom through the door creak. i should probably give her some space, fuck i felt guilty. i knew she wasn’t doing good lately and used it against her? thats not who i am i wanted to look upto me, to be safe with me.

time passed, i was growing anxious, was isn’t she coming out? it’s been 45 minutes, it’s worrying me. she always took quick baths, why is she still there. something inside me, an instinct, a voice forced me to go into the bathroom, it told me something’s wrong, i knew it.

“(y/n)? (Y/N)” she was deep inside the water, eyes closed, fuck fuck, hearing my voice she got up gasping for air.

she tried.. drowning herself?

“what the fuck are you doing?” i put my hand on her back to support her get up, she was crying, her eyes were red,

“i swear it wasn’t intentional i couldn’t.. i couldn’t stop it seungmin, i swear please” she was holding my hands, begging, whimpering and crying,

my eyes fall on her dark circles, then her sad eyes, then her dry lips, she lost weight? how did i never notice?

“it’s okay, it’s okay i’m here baby, it’s okay”

i pat her head slowly taking her in my embrace, kissing her forehead time to time, “it’s okay, i’m not mad, i know you didn’t mean it, you’ll be okay”

“let’s get you out of here, hm? let’s get you on the bed”

she looked so tired, so weak.

i pick her up and lay her down on her bed, dressing her up in fresh clothes. I lay beside her, gently caressing her forehead and hair, looking at her sleeping face. i place a small kiss on her nose,

“i love you seungmin” she mumbled in her sleep as she nuzzles into my neck,

“i’ve always loved you (y/n)” i said as i rest my chin on top of her head, soothing her hair.

posted after a while haha, felt like writing, getting it out lol, sort of a rant—? hehe.

likes & reposts are appreciated <33

[chounaifu]

I’m really glad that those asks I sent out are being well-received. There’s still a few more that I need to write up, but, I’m pacing myself. :’)

Thoughts about my own current state beneath the cut, since my therapist always encourages me to open up to the people in my space. Some of it can be potentially triggering, so, please do not open if the discussion of trauma, stalking and abuse is harmful to you:

I’ve been vocal about the horrifying, traumatic stuff that caused me to leave the RPC in 2017, to a few of you before. Without going into deep detail, between the years of 2017-2021, I was trapped in an extremely, extremely abusive relationship with a member of the RPC who is no longer here, thank fuck. Because of my poor coping skills and extremely fragile mental health at the time, he managed to keep me in a social isolation until I finally left him in 2021. And I mean true social isolation; I wasn’t allowed to talk to anybody but him. (I literally had to lie and pretend like I was having internet troubles if I even wanted to open up another chat box on Discord to talk to somebody, because he would literally point out the amount of minutes it took for me to respond to him.) He tracked my location in real time with GPS. He controlled what I ate when we spent time together irl. He forced me to quit one of my jobs before, because he wasn’t pleased with how busy I was. Any free time I had, had to be given to him. I had no identity, no autonomy, no sense of self.

Since I left him in 2021, I’ve been in a long process of learning how to be a human being again, how to exist around multiple people, and how to monitor my energy levels. It’s been hard, and, there’s a lot of times where I have to learn that I am adapting to an entirely new way of life. I used to be able to write a lot of thread replies, ask replies, and drabbles in a short period of time, but, my brain just does not do that anymore. And it makes me sad, but, I know that my RP partners understand my situation.

I cannot emphasis how much going from *one* person to— well, a lot of good friends has been good for me, but also a difficult experience in itself, because I’m still fighting with my own hypersensitivity and paranoia.

Choosing to come back here was one of the scariest decisions I have ever made. And, even though I don’t vocalize it, I actively fight trauma responses every single time I open Tumblr— not because anybody is doing anything to me, but because the experience I went through was so deep.

That’s why I’ve been trying to take a minute to sit down, and send some nice words to everybody. You never know what somebody is going through. *Nobody* knew what I was going through, because I hid it so well— because I was forced to. We’re all human beings, on this rock, and we all chose to sit here and write, whether because it is a coping mechanism, something we’re passionate about, or because it’s simply fun. And I think that’s really, really beautiful.

I don’t think I’m ever going to be the same, energetic Rex that I once was. And I wish I could be. But that is okay.

So, for the people who welcomed me back, and remembered me: thank you for accepting my return, and accepting my apology.

And for the people who didn’t know me, who have become my friend lately: thank you for giving me a chance.

I’ve lost a lot of people, both friends and family, in the past decade or so. Nobody can fill those gaps, but, you guys make me feel a lot less lonely. Believe it or not, I don’t have many friends irl, and I really don’t know what I would be doing with myself right now if I hadn’t chosen to come back to Tumblr.

I wish there was more I could do to help uplift everybody who has been having a difficult time lately, I really, really do. But, at the end of the day, I cannot; what I can do, is point out that there’s at least *one* person out there who wants to see the best happen for you.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I just want to be a good person, despite of the horrible things I was called by my abuser, and I hope I am doing that.

[bubacorn]

alright, so this is gonna be so cheesy, but i wanna make a post with some of my favorite ST fics i've written this year, if for nothing else, just to remind myself that i can arrange words around, and they can come out half-decent. so, yeah, sorry in advance to anyone who has to see this, i wouldn't dare put the fandom fanfic tag on this, this is only for my dear followers, you are lovely, i apologize if this appears on your dash.

Come Beside Me (This Won’t Hurt I Swear) okay, so i remember being so in love with the last part, especially the whole morning sunlight thing. that was (is?) my favorite piece of writing at that point (which really wasn't hard, cause there wasn't much to pick from yet)

God Gives His Toughest Flus to His Sleepiest Vessels this is just pure mush, but stubborn sick Vessel being taken care of is very close to my heart

And I Don’t Wanna Get in Your Way this all started with the "Get comfortable" "I am" and the "You're allowed to take up space". in my mind, they're watching either The Matrix or John Wick at the end for some reason

I Got Problems Down in My Bones gods, this one. the little parts just wrote themselves and there was this common thread between them and i loved this one so much (still do). there's some pieces of me in this and it makes me feel sad, but seen that people related to this one (i love you, i hope you're doing well)

I Will Shield You from the Waves, if They Find You this is very sweet and all, but i always think of it more as sad

Break and Bend to My Basic Need didn't plan on writing this, but the brainworms made me and then it turned out kinda good

It’s All Your Fault, Even When You Don’t Mean To this. this and the next one are twin fics for me, i always think of them in pairs (probably cause i wrote them back-to-back). can't articulate, but it's also very close to my heart. IV holding the back of Vessel's head and wiping his tears and making him feel worth it make me feel very normal, i almost feel like it wasn't me who wrote it

This Is the Start of Something this!!! i made them watch worst cooks in America cause why not. this one's also very close to my heart, definitely one of my favorites i've ever written

I’m Frantic in Your Soothing Arms okay, the implication that Vessel knows nothing makes the transformation easier from his own experience suffering, but he still tries anyway, cause he would take a tummy ache from III without hesitation, if he could. also, rubbing his stomach is just so intimate and he's so desperate to help, even though he knows he can't, but still tries. and Vessel calling III 'my heart' and 'my III' just came to me and they made me lose my mind so of course i had to include them. feeling very normal about this one, too

And the Pain Still Hates Me for some reason i love the base idea of this, i don't even know how it appeared in my head, but i'm so glad it did. blowing kisses was a last-minute addition, also didn't know where that came from, but it's so cute

And Honey, I Only Appeared So I Can Fade Away this one! i had half an idea for this and like one sentence typed in, then just started writing and i loved writing this, it was so much fun and i adore the end product, one of my favorites. now that i'm thinking, maybe i could expand on this

I Believe I’m Not Alone this was kinda based on one of those posts that was like 'you deserve to be loved and chosen, not almost loved and almost chosen' and my brain went 'Vessel!' and then i wrote this. again, pieces of me, pieces of him

Come Squeeze the World and Drip It Down My Throat Again i was a bit afraid with this one, cause i felt it was a little clumsy (?), with the way the smaller parts revolved around a main idea but weren't all very closely connected. but gods, i made my own heart hurt with this one a lot. also, love this title, some of my favorite lyrics. loaded with layers of trauma, but it's very dear to me

I’m Doing What I Must, Which Is Attempting to Kill the Little Boy Inside (But as Hard as I Try, the Child Will Not Die) again, loosely compiled together around an idea, but this took a shorter time to write i think. it flowed well for me, and again, it hurt right in my meow-meow, but i love this a lot. also, the title just wouldn't leave me alone and i wanted to use it for something and i felt that this was a perfect fit. then at the last moment i added a parallel, cause my brain thought it would be nice. i have to say, it is

okay, so this is just pure self-indulgent rambling about my Sleep Token fics, but writing gave me a lot these past months and i really love it and still have ideas that i wanna share. huge, huge thank you to everyone who's read anything i wrote, left kudos and comments, you are wonderful, i hope you are doing okay! 💕 drop by my dms/tag me if you want to yell at me or something

not gonna say have a great next year or anything like that, cause i don't like making a big deal out of the beginning of a year, as it just puts pressure on it and that's so unnecessary. have a lovely day, i hope you got some rest and could do something you enjoy and i wish all the best to you! see you around! 💖

[dont-f-with-moogles]

One More Sun

One More Sun Characters: Levi x Hange Word Count: 1035 words

Canon universe. Their last night on the ship to Odiha, inspired by this @theysangastheyslew (but before Levi had his bandages changed).

Dusk. The misted porthole framed a horizon of lapping waves against a jaundiced sky. A beam of sickly light filtered down from the tiny window into the cabin; its narrow confines crowded with a single bed and two tub chairs. One of these was occupied by Hange who had drawn up a small table beside her. Gauze swabs, saline, fresh bandages and a metal bowl had all been laid out. Levi sat in the opposite seat. Without his bandages the torn flesh of his face lay exposed. Hange leaned forwards, so close that the outline of her cheek blurred at the corner of his vision. Shoulders tensed, Levi concentrated on Hange’s right earlobe as she applied a swab to his stitches. A single bead of saline trickled, the moisture cold against his burning skin. Hange’s breath whistled down her nose as she worked.

“Your face is healing well.” She removed the gauze to trace Levi’s cheekbone with her little finger. His mouth twisted at the sensation. “Sorry that the stitches aren’t neater but I was short on supplies.”

Levi did not speak as Hange discarded the swab into the metal bowl before touching a fresh piece to his ruined eye. The compress felt blissfully cool; Levi closed his other eye in relief. 

“We should reach Odiha before long,” Hange assured him. Her expression was hidden beneath her dark fringe and eye patch but Levi could feel her watching him. His suspicion was confirmed as Hange moved backwards, her gaze searching into his own. Levi’s jaw clenched. 

“It won’t be long now before you can have your revenge…”

“Do you think I’m sitting here pitying myself?” Even Levi was surprised by the harshness of his tone. Abashed, Hange looked down at her lap, the wad of gauze balled within her fist. “Is that what you think of me?”

“No, but-”

“I don’t know how to make you understand…” Levi glared over her bowed head, towards the cabin door. “...what it is to lose what I’ve lost. I’m a strong, skilled, ruthless cut-throat of a man-” He stopped, neck flexing as he swallowed. “-trapped inside the body of a weak, injured bastard that I don’t like or recognise.”

“Levi-”

“There’s no guarantee that I’ll be fit to fight when the time comes,” he continued hoarsely, “I can’t stand this. I can’t keep sitting on the sidelines while you -” Their eyes met. Levi quickly glanced away as though furious with her. “- all of you - put yourselves in danger.”

Hange dropped the gauze into the bowl and rested her elbows on her knees. To Levi’s astonishment she chuckled lightly to herself. 

“But this is exactly what Shadis and Magarth gave their lives for. They died so that we could have a shot at saving the lives of people whose names we don’t even know.” Hange lifted her head. She reached out, almost as though to take his hand, but stopped short. The cuff of her white shirt brushed against Levi’s leg.

“And I believe we’ll do it.”

There it was; the electric glint once again sparked in her brown eye. Levi marvelled at Hange’s wide smile; at the vitality of her flushed cheeks. It was a look of pure daring; an expression of infectious enthusiasm; one he had not seen for some years past. 

“Besides, someone up there must be on our side if they’ve allowed the two of us to come this far!” Hange gave a comical, reverent nod toward the cabin’s ceiling. 

“Never thought you’d be taken in by all that Wallist shit,” Levi cracked dryly, “must be getting philosophical in your old age.”

Hange sighed with amusement as she lifted a clean piece of gauze. 

“You know it’s because of you.” Levi’s tone was accusatory as stared hard at the space behind Hange’s ear. “You’re the only reason why we’re both still here.”

Her face was dizzyingly close to his own. Levi felt her cool breath on his skin. One agonising moment passed after another. Hange took the gauze away; dabbed again at the wound; held it for another moment. Levi’s muscles tensed as he stilled his own breathing. 

As she turned her head, Hange’s nose grazed his cheek. The skin along Levi’s cheekbone warmed. Lightly, she traced the stitch upon Levi’s lower lip with her thumb. He moved at her touch, his eye finally meeting her own.

Hange’s thumb stroked his lip; her fingers caressing his cheek. Levi did not protest as she tenderly kissed the corner of his mouth. Slowly, she drew back to chance a look at him. The question hung in the air between them. With a soundless gasp, Levi gave in. Their kisses were silent, swift. Hange’s lips barely brushed against his, with movements so careful it was as though Levi was made of glass. 

“Hange,” he whispered. But Hange was not looking at him. Her warm forehead was pressed to his.

"Hange… we can’t.”

Levi could feel her breath, quick and sharp, clouding him; pulling him in.

“You’re trying to run again…”

At this, Hange’s eye flashed open. She studied him as though seeing Levi for the first time. Then, with a barely discernible sigh, she sat back. Hange’s knuckles were pressed to her lips; to where he had freely touched her seconds before. The fleeting relief that had kindled between them had died down to mere embers. There would be no way back; just the ashes of that night and the ghostly memory of her kiss. Levi’s chest was heaving. He had to shake the thought from his mind; tear his gaze away from her mouth.

But Hange was watching the horizon darken beyond the porthole.

“Just one more day at sea… then it’ll be over before we know it.” She wasn’t smiling this time. Levi could not be sure that she was even speaking to him. Despite the assurance of her words, Levi sensed the heaviness that lay within them. Their slow march towards darkness would continue despite their hidden fears and desires. It was no use, this wanting. But if Levi had been a Wallist or a man who believed in prayer, he might have asked.

For just one more sun.

[cittielinks]

(read at your own discretion, some parts may be triggering)

Where Kim Dokja failed a scenario and as punishment he was converted into his 10-year-old self. 

Everyone thought he’d be a cheeky little brat who has the wits and would be super uncute. But when the white smoke disappeared what they saw was a boy, who looked like seven covered with bruises and marks and messily bandaged wounds, wearing a shirt too big for his size.

What sets them off was how dull his eyes looked as he stared at them. Jung Heewon hastily told Biyoo to shut off the channel. 

No one muttered a word, so afraid that this boy would run away like their Kim Dokja. It was the tiny Kim Dokja who talked first.

His voice was raspy, dull, and monotoned, no one could guess what he was feeling. 

“Are you going to hurt me too?” He muttered, still no emotion whatsoever.  

Everyone’s breath hitched. What did he mean when he said those words? 

“N-No! We don’t want to hur—“

Yoo Sangah tried to rely softly but was cut off the Kim Dokja. 

“Liar.” He said monotonously. 

“That’s what they all said, then they beat me up and locked me inside the drawer.” He added, shrugging as he backs away a bit. 

No one could have prepared for what he had said afterward.

“Do you want me to punch myself? Burn my hands with your cigarettes and beat me into a pulp too? Please do it quick I need to go back or else I’ll be sleeping outside my aunt’s house again.”

Yoo Joonghyuk’s hands were trembling he wanted to hug Kim Dokja so badly but he knew that would end horribly. Everyone’s expression was so hard, if only they met a little bit sooner, they could’ve saved him too. 

—

It took a lot while to let 10 yr old! Kim Dokja know that they were not a threat. It was Lee Gilyoung and Shin Yoosung who talked to Kim Dokja properly because this Kim Dokja never trusted adults. And he finally agreed to let them take him to their complex. He was sticking close to his gilyoung-hyung and yoosung-noona.

He would always flinch whenever adults tried to talk to him, or when he hears loud noises ranging from loud screams or loud screeching.

When it was around dinner time, Yoo Joonghyuk decided to cook porridge making sure Kim Dokja’s body would adjust. But he never came to the dining table.

Jung Heewon looked at the children and shook their heads, Yoo Joonghyuk sighed and went out to find the kid.

He found Kim Dokja outside the complex, holding a tissue paper. When Kim Dokja was about to eat the paper, Yoo Joonghyuk grabbed his arms before he could do so.

Kim Dokja flinched and looked at Yoo Joonghyuk in fear. Yoo Joonghyuk quickly lets go and gives the child enough space.

“What are you doing with the tissue paper?” he asked softly, trying not to scare the child. 

“….dinner.” 

“Can you repeat that?”

“My dinner, I was hungry. I hadn’t eaten anything for 3 days. I’m sorry for stealing your tissue paper—“

Yoo Joonghyuk couldn’t believe his ears. He had heard reports about people eating tissue papers to stop their hunger. He clenched his fist and opens them.

“There’s food inside. why are you eating that?” 

“I’m not allowed to eat at the same table as you.” 

“Who told you that?” 

“Everyone. they said I made the food taste bad that’s why I shouldn’t be at the table eating with people.”

Yoo Joonghyuk wanted to cry, how could the world be so cruel to a 10-year-old child? At least when he was 10 he still have food to eat, a bed to sleep in, and a house to keep him covered from heat and cold. Kim Dokja had nothing. It hurts him knowing that he hadn’t met Kim Dokja a long time ago.

—

It took awhile for Yoo Joonghyuk to have Kim Dokja wat with them at the dining table, his eyes never leaving the child’s figure. he made sure Kim Dokja has eaten enough then he urged the kids to take a shower with Kim Dokja.

then he slowly cleaned Kim Dokja’s wounds ( he had asked Kim Dokja permission to clean his wounds) then he tuck Kim Dokja to bed with a promise to let Kim Dokja read a book tomorrow. It was hard making sure Kim Dokja feels safe but he promised then and there to keep Kim Dokja safe and happy forever.

[moontheoretist]

Civil War as an Autistic Showdown

I just realized that me relating to Steve when it comes to my past awful behavior and beliefs that he also displays in the movies is a direct result of autistic traits. More specifically, the so-called “strong autistic sense of justice” that isn’t a “sense of justice” per se, but in essence it’s an idea of “what we perceive as justice” or “what we perceive as unfair” which can be on point or can be completely screwed into very bad direction.

I was taking the idea that Steve is autistic under consideration all along, but now, when I noticed several autistic people talking about our sense of justice not meaning we are always right or morally good, gave me the confidence that I wasn’t wrong in my approach to that trait. I used to be a bigoted person. I used to be an abuser who didn’t even know they were abusing people, because abuse was so normal to me due to my family giving me an idea that abuse is care that it was just hard to notice that me trying to police other people out of “care” in order to make them fit better with the society and struggle less was just abuse. I also had an inflated ego and sense of myself. From one side I saw myself as humble and mediocre, but from the other side I saw myself as someone who was very close to being perfect and working for becoming the perfectly good person.

Spoiler: I wasn’t. And I can see the same behavior in Steve. That’s why I’m so critical of him. Because I went through all this bullshit before, and I know that he isn’t right, that he needs to change. The issue is that to snap out of it is not so easy. People just telling you that what you do is bad when you strongly believe that what you do is just, will simply mean that you will dismiss everybody until the time your brain is ready to accept that you were doing wrong all along.

And that can take years without any strong wake-up call like the one Tony got in Iron Man 1. Tony went years doing bad things and either not realizing or not caring that he did bad things, because as far as he knew he was doing something just and fair as it was what his father and Obadiah taught him. That making weapons and selling them is just because it protects the country and its soldiers (Rhodey being a military man himself and his belief that they need Tony’s weapons only reinforced it), and it doesn’t matter what anybody else says.

Tony was lucky to get the wake-up call, even thought what happened to him was horrific, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Still, he needed that wake-up call. He needed to shift the paradigm and realize that he was in the wrong. Steve also needs that, but despite many opportunities in the MCU, Steve never actually got a proper wake-up call. Fall of SHIELD was one of those opportunities, but for reasons established before in the First Avenger, instead of waking him up, it only radicalized him more and convinced him more that what he believes was right and that everything else is wrong. The Civil War arc was another moment like this. After what happened in Leipzig (Rhodey’s injury) and in Siberia, he should have realized that what he believes is not entirely right, but MCU never allows him to. Then another opportunity was Infinity War just after Avengers lost to Thanos and realized how truly hopeless they all were, and once again he doesn’t realize that he was in the wrong, because after Endgame he comes back to his past, which to him is a safe space, where he is always right, nobody except Peggy or Bucky challenges him and even when Peggy does, she is always on his side, while Bucky is no longer there to be a pain in his ass (not to mention that MCU abandoned Bucky’s initial role as pushback to Steve’s idiocy from the first scenes of the First Avenger and made him into another yes man). So yeah, I guess we can see Civil War as a War between two autistic men, from which only one realized that their “sense of justice” was screwed.

That this trait isn’t some magical superpower to spot bullshit.

That it can be as good as it can be bad.

[goldencherryhazz]

ONE NIGHT ONLY

An: I do not have the words to describe how much I love Harry’s House, I will never recover! Anyways here’s a smutty fic that’s was supposed to be fluff but guess where we are now. Oh well, sorry it’s not that good, a lot has happened over the last few days but expect a lot more fics on Harry’s House in the near future :) please give me some feedback, hope you enjoy 💗

Warnings: sub! Harry, dom!reader, oral male receiving, nipple play, overstimulation!

‘You okay baby?’ You ask as you walk back into the hotel bedroom where Harry is perched on the edge of the bed.

‘I think so’ he replies still looking a bit dazed and bewildered even though he had gotten off stage for one night only over an hour ago.

‘You sure, seem a bit out of it’ you question as you flick a curl out of his face so it would rest on the top of his head.

‘Can I have a cuddle’ and you can resist the desperation in his eyes, so quickly move to straddle his lap, your arms moving to loop around his neck, Harry rests his head right on your chest nested between your boobs, and that when he lets out a content sigh finding comfort within your presence.

You stay like this for a few minutes before you have to blurt out a ‘im so proud of you, always am with everything you do’ you whisper into his ear scared that he was having doubts or was worried about his performance of his newest album.

‘Thankyou, I’m proud of me to’ and you love how he isn’t scared to admit it.

‘What going on in that pretty head of yours baby’

‘I just can’t believe how good that show was, I felt so safe and free’ he says in disbelief, his heart feeling as though it would burst from the support he was getting from you, his friends, team and fans worldwide.

‘That’s because you have been so real and honest with your writing over the past few years, been so brave and open, you created a safe space for your fans at every show and I think they want to give you that back, you deserve that baby.’ You kiss his forehead, stroking through this unruly curls.

‘You helped me to you know, helped me find myself which allowed me to write like I have, swear it’s my favourite album yet, don’t think it would have been without you as my muse.’ He says seriously, having peeked his head out from your chest to look you in the eye.

‘Everything you do is my favourite, I’m glad I got to be by your side the entire way, love you soo much baby’ you try to soothe his overwhelmed min.

‘I love you too’ and with that he crashes his lips to yours, your lips against his intensifying this high he had going on inside him, and he didn’t want it to end, not yet.

A few kisses later and Harry hates the fact that there is a layer of clothes separating the two of you, a dire need to be closer to you was the only thing in his mind, and he starts to grind his hips subtly against yours.

‘Need you’ he whispers against your lips.

‘I’m right here baby, not going anywhere, gonna take care of you’ and you try to hold back the moan that threatened to escape your lips as you felt his cock plumping in his pants, undoubtedly making the wetness in your panties increase.

‘Just wanna be close, need to feel ya’ he whimpers.

‘Okay, okay baby, why don’t you start taking you clothes of for me’ you sit up getting off of his lap, and he whines at the loss of contact, right now he just wanted you and only you.

He manages to fling his love heart tee and leather trousers to a random corner in the hotel room, and you take your clothes off just as quickly.

‘How do you want me H, want me to ride you?’

‘Anything, please just want you, I’m so hard’ he whimpers as he reaches his hand to wrap around his cock which is standing proudly against his belly, the veins quite prominent and his tip a deep shade of red, he jerks his length a few times to spread the precum leaking from the head of his cock.

‘You look so good when you play with you cock baby’ you practically drool at the sight infront of you, and he shyly looks up at you at the compliment, stopping the movement of his hand.

‘Don’t stop baby, make yourself feel good for me’ and he does as you say, moving his hand up and down his cock and it has you moving your hand to your bare pussy that was now slick with you wetness, fingers curling over your clit making you bite back a moan.

Your eyes close at the feeling of your clit being stimulated, but when you open them you find Harry staring right back at you, not meeting you eyes but more staring at you perky tits ‘do you want these tits baby, you can have them’ you say as you move closer to him your chest infront of his fans and he doesn’t waste any time in attaching his mouth to one of your nipples, sucking happily the action bringing his comfort and even more pleasure as his hand moves at a rapid rate up and down his member.

‘Fuck that feels good baby’ you gasp at the sensation of his lips on your nipple, rubbing your fingers over your clit at how incredibly hot your boyfriend was.

‘Your gonna cum for me’

‘Fuck yeah I’m gonna cum, getting close’ he comes off you nipple with a popping noise before he kisses your lips, teeth clashing, your tongue invading his mouth wanting to taste him more.

‘Can y’touch me, hand feels good but I now it doesn’t feel as good as yours.’ He moans out.

‘Course I can baby, wanna make you feel good’ you begin working your way down his neck, pressing tiny kisses and sucking a hickey onto his warm skin, you duck even lower and he lets out a moan, squirming slightly when your lips come into contact with his sensitive nipple, you begin to suck on on and you other hand tweaks the other.

‘Please, don’t tease, gonna cum if you keep doing that, want you to touch me’

‘I am touching you baby’

‘I want you to touch m-my’ he doesn’t finish his sentence as he becomes shy from how subby he was feeling.

‘Where do you want me to touch, gotta tell me, use your words baby’ you encourage him.

‘My cock, want you to play with me till I cum’ he finally lets out.

‘Good boy, gonna suck that pretty cock now’

‘Yes please, please want that soo much’

You nestle down to his lap, now face to face with his length and you don’t hesitate to wrap you hand around him to align his with your mouth, before you take just over half of him in your mouth in one smooth thrust and he lays out the loudest moan of the night, probably waking the neighbouring hotel room but he couldn’t care less at that moment.

You begin to bob your head up and down, your other hand fondling his balls and it isn’t long before he is crying out having been quite close beforehand. He moves some hair out of you face, before gathering it into a makeshift pony tail making it easier for you to move.

‘Your close baby, can feel twitching, gonna cum for me’ you take him in your hand again, the silky smoothness of it making Harry lose his mind.

‘Yes fuck yes you mouth feels fucking amazing’

‘Look at me then baby, wanna watch you fall apart look at me.’ You demand and he does as you say, and when you keep eye contact when you take a majority of his length into your mouth and throat, it has him tipping over the edge.

‘C-cumming…fuck’ is he can string together, as his hips buck up into your mouth, his cock painting your throat with his warm cum. All Harry can do is moan chants of your name at his euphoric high, his eyes rolling to the back of his head as you continue to bob your head slightly making sure you had every last drop of his cum.

‘It that better baby, was that okay?’ You ask as you pop of off his length.

‘Fuck it was incredible’ he says dreamily, and you can’t resist leaning up to kiss him, stroking his cheeks with your thumb as you do.

‘Think you can cum again for me’ and that alone has his breathing increase once again and he doesn’t have any words, the events of the night leaving him rendered speechless.

‘Promised I was going to ride you and by the feel of it’ you pause reaching behind you to fondle his balls in your hand to confirm your thoughts ‘these balls are still full of cum, you gonna give it to me baby?’

‘Yeah, gonna give it to you, shit I wanna cum for you again’

‘That’s a good boy’ you kiss him once again.

‘Y’ready baby, gonna sink on your cock now okay’

He nods obsessively, so you instantly move your figure so it aligned with you entrance before you slowly take him incl by inch until you are fully sat on his length, you clit brushing the hairs of his happy trail, you both let out sultry moans one he fills you, neither of you caring if you got noise complaints the next morning.

‘Shit you’re so big, stretching me soo good’ you going down Harry’s cock moving deliciously inside you and he moans out at the feeling of your cunt clenching and unclenching around him.

‘Fuck haven’t even started riding me, feels like I’m already gonna cum’ he sighs at the stimulation his cock was getting, feeling ever so sensitive already from his previous orgasm.

Feeling like you needed more you start to bounce up and down on his cock, the only sound in the room was skin slapping on skin and both of you moans as he hid as the sweet spots inside of you.

‘Feel you in there baby’ you reach out for his hand and place it on your lower belly ‘Gonna cum right in there aren’t you’ and he moans and you sink onto his cock all the way and he can feel the bump his length creates.

‘I’m gonna fill you up so good’ he moans and he feels so overwhelmed by the pleasure he was receiving that he had to find sanctuary in your chest, his head nestled between your tits and you stroke your hands through his hair gripping onto it slightly as you get closer and closer to your orgasm. His arms and upper body curls into you slightly, he can feel his eyes getting glossy from how good he was currently feeling, from performing Harry’s House for the first time, to this current situation he thought he had never felt better.

‘Shit I’m gonna cum, you gonna cum with me baby, gonna fill me up’ your thrusted become frantic as you chase you high and get Harry to hiss

‘Yeah I’m gonna cum, can I cum please, please’ he whimpers, slightly muffled by your chest.

‘Cum baby boy’ you moan and it take all of three thrusts before you are shaking above him. ‘I’m cum-cumming’ you breath out and with that Harry grips your hips grounding them to his before he cums in thick spurts, even more than he previous orgasm due to how overstimulated he was, completely filling you and the warmth the spreads in your belly makes you feel all fuzzy.

‘Did soo good for me baby, came soo much’ you say as you feel his cum starts to dribble out of you slightly.

Harry’s face is still mushed in your tits, probably exhausted from cumming twice, his legs hadn’t stopped shaking since his high.

‘M’soo proud of you baby, I love you soo much’ you remind him, making sure that he always knew how much you loved and cared for him.

‘I love you too’ he lifts his head, and you instantly go to wipe his waterline clear of any tears threatening to build up.

‘Let’s get cleaned up yeah’

‘No don’t want you to go and to be honest I don’t think I can walk’

‘Harry I can literally feel your cum dripping from me’

‘I don’t care, just one more minute’ and you can’t help but chuckle at his antics, meanwhile Harry cuddles back into you feeling the most content he has in a while, happier than ever as he snuggled into his lovies chest, his home.

[ratcatcher0325]

A Fraction of Justice (Chapter #25)

🎄🎅Merry Christmas 🎁❄️ to those who celebrate! ☃️🛷Happy Holidays⛷️⛸️ to those who don’t! I hope no matter where you are or what your holidays look like this year, you can let a little love in and relax, just like how Alexander is trying (and maybe failing) to do.

Chapter #25. Alexander does his level best to tell all about his recent misadventures.

Previous: Chapter #24

Next: Chapter #26

Word Count: 4,281 Read Time: Approx. 32 mins

CW: adult language, angst 

Tag list: @gatlily @grbene @patrocolus3 @beautifulunknowntrash @titan-god-420 @andraimeide @themarlo @cup-o-chai @lucentbliss @raccoontoaster @tolsizedlove @not-a-space-alien , @thegodmother007, @honey-olive, @bittykimmy13 ,@aceouttatime, @imvenusasaboy, @liminaldaze, @windshield-patent, @joxter-coded, @rosella35, @narrans, @rubeau-art, @littlescaryinternetguy, @jae-from-discord, @kitn-underfoot, @secretly-small, @writing-forever, @iinogongju, @tales-of-aestus, @itsgothgirlthyme, @make-me-giant

Btw, DM me if you wanna be added to the tag list!

___________________________________

A Fraction of Justice

Chapter #25: Give a Little

[Alexander’s POV]

She stared at me earnestly, her fingers leaving warm impresses along my spine and in my lap as she gently supported my weight. I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that she meant what she said: she genuinely wanted to listen to me.

This was… a novel sensation. I felt the slightest tightening in the back of my throat as I considered it. She was perched just above me, her hair cascading in waves down her shoulders as she regarded my comparatively small person, cradled between her fingers and thumb. I shifted around beneath her touch, feeling hesitant but eventually resting my hands atop her thumb (there was nowhere else to comfortably place them as her largest digit had commandeered the better part of my lap). This was all a bit too intimate for my tastes, but I supposed it was a small price to pay for having her rapt attention. 

I allowed myself the small risk of leaning my weight on her fingers behind me, releasing all resistance to gravity from my muscular system. In spite of myself, I had to admit that simply relaxing felt wonderful… there was a part of me, I couldn’t believe such a part existed, that wanted to forget about the living hell that was the veterinary clinic and simply luxuriate in rest, right here. 

But of course, there was no time for such ridiculous indulgences. I had to seize the moment while I actually had a human willing to hear me. Surely she would grow complacent and disinterested over time. I had to strike while the iron was hot. 

As I craned my neck to take her in, the tension in her jaw, her furrowed brow and hard eyes told me just how defensive she was over me. Not that I needed her to protect me… nor particularly cared how she felt. Why did I feel the sudden need to shift beneath her thumb again to compose myself? I tried to ignore whatever it was and  tilted my gaze upwards to lock on to those warm irises. 

I cleared my throat and stacked my spine, ready to confide in the one human I could at least somewhat trust. She gazed back into my eyes, and I could practically feel the anticipatory worry coming off of her in waves. Get ready for your blood to boil, Natalie…

“Well?? I’m holding my breath over here… I can’t ever get you to shut up and now is the time you decide to go silent??” She pressed the pads of her fingers against me as she stared, hungrily awaiting the news. 

“Oh, alright! Calm down! I’m getting to it! You humans, always so demanding! You want what you want and you want it NOW. Have some patience and decorum will you???” I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest as I jutted my chin in defiance. But as I gazed into her irises and felt the soft warmth of her hand surrounding me, I burst into a grin in spite of myself. 

She couldn’t help but bite her lip and roll her eyes, “Is being shitty to me like the way you get life force or something? I liked you better when you were all cute and high off your ass—“ 

“Excuse me? When I was what?” 

“Nothing, don’t worry about it… tell me what happened!” 

“Fine! We’ll put a pin in that then…” I eyed her disapprovingly as I prepared myself to tell all, “Well, from the moment she took me away, it was simply reprehensible! You disappeared behind the door and they carried me off and… they were so infuriatingly condescending! They spoke to me like a petulant child, while poking and prodding. I kept demanding that they treat me and was flatly ignored. I have abrasions and bruising along my obliques from the pressure of their fingers….” I watched as her eyes got wide and her brow furrowed in concern. Her fingers moved in just a millimeter or two closer, as if she could shield me from what had already happened, “They were awful, especially the one with the black hair—“ I couldn’t help but clock the almost involuntary twitch of her brow as I spoke, “She, in particular, had a penchant for cruelty. Her male counterpart was stupid more than anything else. The other woman, she was kind. She kept doing her best to advocate for me, but to no avail….” 

“Alexander… I’m, I’m so incredibly sorry. I should never have taken you there. I-I didn’t know!” I was hardly listening to her, however, as a sinking feeling permeated my every muscle, “H-hey…. Hey, earth to Alexander…. Hello? What’re you… why are you 1000-yard-staring right now like you’ve just seen a ghost?” 

“Hm? S-sorry… it’s just… it’s nothing… where was I? Yes…. The woman with the glasses. She seemed compassionate but she was weak and low down in the pecking order so it did me no good. I… I remember her, the black haired one, pinning me down to take a picture of me… I ran… she grabbed me. The pain was unfathomable… and then… well… it was dark for a while? I had tubes coming out of my mouth. I remember my heart racing and…. I was lying down and I couldn’t breathe. They held me down and stuck a needle in my arm… I…. I was in a lot of pain, I think….”

She paused for a long while, “… You... think? Um, look I don’t know how to say this delicately, without you getting pissed off at me… but it sounds like, while they were very very condescending and disrespectful of you, which, to be clear is fucking awful… they didn’t technically do anything legally wrong… you made it sound like there was hell to pay. Please, don’t misunderstand, I am more than happy to file complaints for negligence… I just don’t think it’ll result in anything more than a slap on the wrist without stronger evidence. And… please don’t scream at me, but I don’t think them teasing you counts as grounds for litigation…” she winced as she spoke, no doubt expecting me to berate her, but her words were the least of my concern.

My mind was a blur. My heart thundered in my chest as she spoke. I was certain something particularly awful had happened… something unforgivable. But the sequence of events vaporized in my mind’s eye… like a candle snuffed out, leaving behind only a wisp of silvery smoke where vibrant heat and light should be. A sinking feeling emerged in the pit of my stomach. 

“Did they administer the wrong drug, like you were afraid of?  Were there clear signs of malpractice?”

“Yes! There were!” 

“Okay, like what?”

“I am certain there were!! I just… um…” I stared up at her, wide eyed and blinking like an imbecile, panic rising ever so rapidly in me.

“You don’t remember do you?” She looked crestfallen as she spoke. 

I grit my teeth, snarling, “Don’t say that! I do! Of course I remember! I always remember! I have an infallible memory. I just… have to think…”

“Alexander? Hey….” The pad of a thumb tucked under my chin, but I pulled away and stared at the lines in my hands, refusing to meet her gaze. Her persistence was beginning to irritate me. Didn’t she know a man who needed to gather his thoughts in peace when she saw one? She continued, undeterred “…there’s no shame in forgetting. They put you under, it messes with your memory. I… and don’t get mad at me for saying this, but… I could tell you were scared when she took you away. Is it possible your fear of what could’ve happened is what you’re calling to mind?” 

Her thumb pressed into my cheek and I squirmed to avoid her, “Stop it! Stop with the coddling, I don’t need it! When have I ever asked you to caress me? Please, I'm trying to recall something very important and all you’re doing is distracting me! And what sort of a question is that? Are you accusing me of making things up?? I know my own mind. If I felt like that, something must have happened…” 

She seemed taken aback, “I’m sorry! Look, if you say something happened, I believe you. All I want is for you to know I’m on your side, that I care about you and that I want you to feel better. I mean, look, I want to kill them already for being shitty and cruel to you. That’s seriously fucked up. I’m not trying to condescend to you, just to comfort… and, for the record, I’ve never once called you weak…” she leaned in closer, a finger tip gliding over the crown of my head. I didn’t like her dominating over me like this. It was a mockery of my very stature. I couldn’t help but burst.

“Now is not the time to get defensive! Please, allow me to focus for a singular moment on the task at hand! And stop with all the petting, it’s simply maddening!” I batted at her fingers, my hair falling wildly in my eyes. 

She whisked her hand away, it was suddenly at least twenty degrees cooler as the current of air generated from the movement of her arm cooled my skin. I had to catch myself with my hands pressed into the soft fabric of the bedsheets to keep from falling flat. Her eyes were hardened, glassy. 

She tucked one arm beneath the other as she leaned on the bed, suddenly distant, hurt, “Goddammit, Alexander, I’m doing everything I can think of to be supportive. Okay? You act above it all and like you fucking hate me but I know that’s not true. So please stop it. Let me show you some love and support. I’m just trying to be kind. It’s not gonna kill you to be touched or taken care of….” 

“Look, Natalie… I don’t have time to address your wounded pride and I’m not interested in having an argument right now about your violation of my personal space—“ 

“—violation? You didn’t act that way when you were high off your ass an hour ago. You loved it when I held you. You leaned into the warmth of my hand and cuddled against me.  What’s changed now? Just that you feel like you have something to prove and it’s you versus the whole world? Hm? Is that it? Because it doesn’t have to be like that. Don’t you see that now? I’m right here, Alexander, and I want to help.” 

What on earth was she talking about?! Yet another thing I was apparently incapable of recalling. I burned. This wasn’t fair, none if it was… I knew I’d been through something excruciating and I was determined to get to the bottom of it, but, instead, I had to listen to this human blubber on about how she couldn’t play with me like a doll as much as she desired. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. 

She didn’t like that seemingly at all, “Hey! You have no idea what it was like for me in that waiting room. I was terrified for you. And they kept telling me all this shit about how your leg was broken and surgery was the only option. I kept asking and asking to see you, just to hold you in my hands and know you were okay and they told me you were fine. They kept shooting down my questions, assuring me… That you were better off in the back, so you’d stay calm… b-but I guess you weren’t. They were torturing you and I was just sitting there in the other room! You were terrified and I wasn’t there to help! That breaks my heart. Do you realize that? I’m sorry, okay? If, if I made the wrong decision… If you’re angry with me…. I understand. I do. It’s all my fault that they frightened you because I hand delivered you to them. I never meant to hurt you, Alexander. Please believe me. Hate me all you want, okay, because I’m not turning my back on you. I won’t stop looking out for you even if you hate my guts. I’d never do that… b-but I have to know, do you really not give a fuck at all about me? Because just a little while ago, you said some things… that, that made it sound like you don’t totally hate me. You seemed to enjoy me treating you with softness. I just want to know if that’s true because I…. I care about you… okay? I do. And not just in a shitty condescending or possessive way, like you always accuse me of. You’re not mine to own. I know that. You’re your own man. You’re here by accident. You never asked for this… or me. I see you, Alexander. I know you’re a person who’s trying so hard to make something of himself in spite of the odds. So, please, please let me in a little, will you? I promise, all I want is to help.” 

I paused for a moment, taking it all in, beneath a furrowed brow and tight jaw, before meeting her gaze. She wanted to help, did she? Was it possible that I could trust her with my long term aspirations? Would she listen with respect if I told her I had plans to change the world, rather than laugh in my face? Would she really dedicate herself to helping me parse out this case currently before us? I felt a twinge of possibility stir in my soul… a ray of hope ignite the blood in my veins.

 Her huge golden brown eyes were on the verge of tears, and I couldn’t help but release the tension in my shoulders, relenting. With a sigh, I spoke to her, softly, with consideration, “Okay, alright. Come here…. Give me your hand…” I stretched out my arms, inviting her to bring her fingers closer. I couldn’t exactly get up and come to her after all.

 She hesitated, giving me a distrustful and quizzical look as if to question wether this was a trap. I gestured hurriedly for her to move her hand before me, “C’mon, closer. I won’t bite… this time, I promise…” I couldn’t help smirking in the crooked way I tended to do, which had always been rather embarrassing for me. She inched ever closer until the pad of her middle finger was before my lap. I cupped it with my right hand, the full width of it barely fitting between my fully outstretched fingers, as my left hand came to rest on her nail bed. I stroked her nail a few times, “There, there… is this what you needed?”  She stared at me, her face twitching, before she burst into laughter. I was shocked, what was so funny?? 

****************  That was truly the most awkward attempt at comfort I’d ever seen! He was just sort of stiffly petting my nail bed while looking rather uncomfortable himself. My body shook with laughter, “You poor little bastard!!” I wasn’t even angry or hurt anymore. How could I be? His face turned a bright shade of red as he stared with sharp eyed intensity, truly baffled, “Your comfort game needs a little work, sweetheart!” I started crying I was laughing so hard. 

“W-what?? I thought…” he blubbered wordlessly. 

“Oh my god, you tried, little robot. You really did. D-don’t worry, we’ll find a heart to put in that hollow tin exterior some day!” I gently rubbed his chest with a finger. It was surprisingly warm for such a cold-blooded little nightmare. 

I expected him to get huffy and double down but when I looked at him, he couldn’t help but smile, in spite of himself, “I’m no tin man, I’m a gallant romantic who’s interpersonal skills are unmatched, thank you. But nice quasi-sophisticated literary reference, I didn’t realize you could read!” 

“Oh, shut up!” 

“What? You seemed to think it completely acceptable to express your surprise when you discovered I was literate!” 

“Okay, okay! Touché! I’m waving the white flag! I get it, little man, I can never match you in a game of wits. But none of that changes the fact that you can sometimes be a little prick who needs to learn how to relax and accept a little physical contact every now and again.” 

“Never! I’ll never surrender! You can’t make me! I refuse! Now, please, be quiet so I can follow my own train of thought….” With that, he flopped back on the bed, his arms folded over his abdomen while he stared up at the ceiling. I waited quietly, trying my best to be patient, passing the time by watching the rise and fall of his tiny chest, as I matched the tide of his breathing with my own. 

He was like a statue, stock still, unmoving. The only way I could tell he was a living breathing thing was that his eyes occasionally blinked. He lay there like that for five, ten, fifteen minutes, then finally, and almost so quiet I could barely hear, “Damn it all…” 

“Nothing?” 

“I remember the fear, the pain. The odd and terrifying shapes of hands looming overhead. I remember the hazy buzz of conversation and trying really hard to read…. Something. But just what that something was—? My mind is suddenly a blank. I’m so exhausted, Natalie. That’s all. My psyche is stretched so thin….” He rolled his head to look at me, as I leaned over him with my chin resting on my hands. 

“Then sleep, you ridiculous little thing. The mystery to solve won’t go anywhere in the next few hours.” I wanted so badly to caress his little chest and gently rub his scalp, but I resisted with all my strength of will, keeping my twitchy hands to myself.  

He stiffened at the suggestion, “N-no…. I can’t just rest. I can’t lose all my momentum…” 

“You also can’t solve a case if you’re dead from overexertion. You’ve had one hell of a day, give yourself a fucking break. And when you wake up, we’ll put our heads together and figure this out, okay? For whatever fucking reason, in spite of you being an angry little ass most of the time, I’m still gonna stand by you, even though you’re my—“ 

“--Little nightmare, I know…” his eyes were half closed as he huffed and rolled them toward the ceiling, before training them on me. Even in all his grogginess, his gaze was breathtakingly blazing behind those sleepy lids, “You are aware that any and all proposals for atrocious and ridiculous nicknames have to pass through the house…” he sleepily pointed to me, “…and the senate, yes?” He pointed to himself, before continuing, “That means your coining of me as such is not likely to be codified into law.” 

I couldn’t help but scoff, as I joked, “You’re half asleep and you still somehow manage to be a dick. You’re lucky you’re cute…” 

“I take issue with that…” he shook his head and crossed his arms, the ghost of a smirk barely hidden. 

“You take issue with fucking everything. Go to bed, Alexander!” I wanted to kiss him on the head and tuck him in. Instead, I pushed up from the mattress, planning to give him some space to sleep, but before I could even gather my feet beneath me, he halted my movements.

“Wait, one last thing….” His sleepy eyes opened partially, enough for me to peek at the brilliant blue beneath them. 

“No, nope, I’m not getting tricked into another insult before bed. Sleep! I like you better when you’re conked out. I’m just saying, when you were loopy you were so cuddly and sweet. Now you’re back to griping and grumbling…” 

He shook his head from side to side, his right arm stretching out toward me, “I have one favor to ask…” 

“I know, you want me to leave you the fuck alone, I’m going, okay? As someone once said to me recently, have some patience and decorum!” I started to shift again and his words froze me in place.

“Will you hold me, while I sleep?” 

I just about melted into the carpet fibers. He smirked that little crooked smile of his that I’d seen so very rarely. 

He raised his brows, no doubt taking in my bright red blush and hitching gasp. He smiled teasingly, staring up at me through his brow in a way that made me melt even more, “Don’t look too excited about it or I’ll change my mind…” 

I was breathless, sinking back down on to the surface of the bed, I let a single finger descend to brush his hair from his tired eyes, “Is that what you really want? You won’t be pissed at me later?” 

“As you say, I’m always pissed about something. I’ll find something you’re doing wrong, don’t worry…..” I hesitated, lifting my finger and inch or so off of his body, “But yes, I’d like you to. Just hurry… it’s hard to stay awake right now, answering this monotonous battery of questions….” My heart skipped a beat, or two, or three, as he smirked again, his eyelids getting heavier and heavier. 

“O-okay…. If this is what you want, I’ll be so careful, I promise… come here, Alexander…”

Very very gently, I dug my fingers into the fabric beneath him, and scooped him up, supporting his head with the pad of my thumb, and very carefully cradled the heel of his injured leg beneath the tip of my free finger, as I had done only a little while ago while he was out of it. See? You can be sweet… it won’t kill you… “You’re going to remember and we’ll get this all sorted out… but in the mean time, I’ve got you, little nightmare… sweet dreams…” 

***************  The moment her warm fingers rose to press softly into my spine, my hips, my shoulders…. I felt my heart race a little faster. I kept my eyes closed and stayed limp, but inside I was electrically charged with feeling. 

Had I ever asked to be cradled in the hand of a human before? I didn’t think so. Yet, here, in the crook of her palm, I felt things I never thought were possible in the presence of someone so large and foolish: I felt safe, warm, and, dare I say it, contented to be there. 

I was crushed by my current gaps in memory recall at the moment. I wanted more than anything to bring those maniacs to justice as swiftly and aggressively as possible. However, at the present, such proof eluded me. Yet, somehow, I believed her when she said with confidence that we’d figure it out. 

We. 

What a funny little personal pronoun. One I’d hardly ever considered all the days of my life. For once, the human was right. I did see myself as one man against it all. Maybe there was some validity to what she’d said next, that it didn’t have to be that way. I trembled at the thought. I was getting far too ahead of it all and only setting myself up for disappointment and misery when she inevitably let me down…. Wasn’t I? 

A whisper stirred my eyelids open and I peered up at the woman gazing down at me, “Alexander?”

Her voice was soft, the consonants of my own name rustling my hair as her breath cascaded over my prone body. I raised a brow, too sleepy to move anything else, “Th-Thank you, for… letting me in a little bit…” she seemed as though she wanted to say more, but kept it to herself. 

After a moment, where I almost dipped out of consciousness right then and there, I rolled over my left shoulder, outstretching my arms, and hugged her thumb to my chest. The tip of that strong, imposing digit, that was almost as big as me, was aligned directly with my face. I pressed my cheek into it, feeling the heat and rhythm of her pulse beneath, “Is this what you wanted? Is this what high Alexander would do which you seemed to love so much??” 

She beamed, holding me ever closer beneath her sparkling gaze, “You’re recreating it so perfectly, fantastic job!” She was truly beside herself, I could tell. I could feel her heart racing beneath my cheek, after all. 

I smiled, as grogginess, coupled now with unrelenting softness and warmth from her skin, took hold of what little consciousness I had left, “I demand to know just what exactly I did that left you so ridiculously enamored while under the influence…. You’d better tell me when I awake!” 

“Not in a million years! I know you, little nightmare. The second I tell you, you won’t speak to me for at least a week.” 

“I think I can handle anything you can throw at me. Get out of the habit of underestimating me!” 

“Sweetheart, I know you can do anything you set your mind to, but, believe me, when I say I think I’m estimating your capacity for this quite accurately!” 

“Mmmm, that bad huh?” 

“Go to sleep, Alexander. I’ll be right here when you come to.” 

“I demand satisfaction upon waking. I will not waver on this.” 

“Uh huh… now, hush.” 

“...Goodnight, Natalie….” 

“Goodnight, Alexander… Sweet dreams.” 

And slowly, as I seemed to sink ever deeper into the warm, silky surface of her cupped palm, I drifted off to sleep, held aloft by the first human I’d ever actually wanted, at least at certain intervals, to touch me. 

Tomorrow I’d work to bring destruction to my enemies, but tonight, I’d give myself the gift of rest…. And what a glorious gift it was! 

[texturralize]

Writer of my broken soul. What has happened to the svss fics? Are you okay? Who do I need to fight for you cause I rely on those fics more than an online shopper relies on their credit card.

it’s just..kind of a unfortunate timing kinda thing..something just really discouraged me and hit on some social trauma I have and I’ve been in a funk and need to take a break from my sv fanfic. the other night I sat down to write and someone messaged me on twt to join a sj fan server.

I got super excited bc I still hadn’t ever found a sj focused server and he is (obviously) my fave. when I got in, someone mentioned being fan of my fics. so I searched them just bc I was kinda curious. well..there were a few nitpicks things here and there which is fine. but ig one of my fics, because I forgot a tag, showed up in some people’s feed even when they set their filters, and it bothered them. there were some really hurtful things said..stuff like oh you can’t trust this author, can’t believe they did this, it was disingenuous, they wanted to toss themself down the stairs from sheer disgust, it was creepy, people wanted to block me, they felt mad anytime they saw my name…it was bordering on fic/author bashing and I was shocked the conversation just continued like normal and was allowed…so I got uncomfortable and left the server.

I don’t really blame the server itself or the people who talked about me, multiple people have sent me DMs saying they felt bad and like my work and that was really sweet. one of the people who said stuff also apologized for it so it’s not like I hold a grudge. it’s just, stuff like this is kind of hard to deal with for me. it’s not that I’ve never encountered hate comments or anything on the internet, I think I was just blindsided by the situation..no one expects to encounter stuff like that in what should be a safe space for fun and ideas you were invited to. I let myself get excited and wasn’t expecting it so it really affected me.

it’s just unfortunate that it happened in that way because though I’m sure no one specifically meant to hurt me, like I said, this kind of triggered some social trauma for me. as someone who grew up with undiagnosed autism, I’ve often felt hurt and silly when I entered spaces and didn’t realize people didn’t like me until too late. I spent a long time unable to explain why I felt certain ways when these things happened bc I didn’t even understand the way my own brain worked. I also have a very direct way of communicating and don’t say things unless I mean them, so the idea of venting and being aggressive abt something but not ‘really meaning it’ is hard for me; it’s hard to understand that someone could say such cruel stuff but not take it seriously. so my brain catastrophizes and won’t let me forget what happened and there’s dysphoria when I perceive rejection, dislike, aggression, etc. BECAUSE I take those things so seriously. and I also would never bash someone or their fic bc I know fic is made from love and is 100% free so it’s hard for me to get past it y’know?

just to reiterate..I’m not mad at anyone, I don’t think anyone is a bad person. they said they made a mistake speaking like that about someone and will keep in mind what I said when we talked. I’m sure there are plenty of people in that server who like my stuff and don’t want to see me discouraged…

god, it’s just really hard, you know? it’s been a while since something really managed to hurt my feelings. I guess I just felt stupid, and kind of humiliated. it’s that feeling of walking into a room only to realize you’re the punchline…

so..yeah it just kind of has me in a funk, as someone who’s struggled to make friends and connections in fandom too despite how ‘easy’ it’s supposed to be. I’m still kind of disappointed that something I got excited over exploded so much in my face and didn’t work out. but overall I mostly just tripped into a depression spell and it’s making me feel bad to look at my work so..I decided to take a break from it. to people who like my stuff…I’m really sorry. I don’t mean to take anything away from people who really liked it. I just want to feel better.

the last time I felt this bad was a few years ago, when someone did something really horrible to me and it upset me so much and took the joy out of the fandom I was creating content for, because it was something we did together. I’m not really upset over the specifics of what was said, just the experience and how similar it was to things I’ve went through in the past. I’m upset over the fact I don’t feel like it’s fun to write right now, and I don’t want to lose this special interest like I did my last one…so yeah, just kind of sucks overall.

I hope no one feels bad about what happened for a long time. just..unfortunately, I probably will, and maybe taking a break will help..idk

sorry :(

[toradile]

The spectacular sci-fi anime you've probably never watched

Astra Lost in Space is the best anime you probably have never watched. It is a suspenseful show with incredible music and a perfect atmosphere. It is a heartfelt anime that will leave you hooked. It's spectacular ride from start to finish and I’m here to tell you why.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Astra Lost in Space is a show that starts with some kids going to camp however they get stranded in space and must find their way back home despite the constant obstacles standing in their path. Through this journey they must discover the mysteries of the world and discover how the very foundation of what they believe may not be entirely correct. It is a show on uncovering lies and discovering the true nature of others in order to survive. It even delves into the world as we know it and historical events. I cannot go over any plot points without ruining the show. It’s one that is best to go through completely blind in order to experience it at its fullest potential.

Initially I found this anime through a complete accident. I was watching Blue Period due to my love of art however I found myself not enjoying it for some reason but I did enjoy the opening. So I decided to take a break and listen to the full version,after the song ended a certain track called  Star*frost autoplayed. It was strange that happened considering I always had autoplay turned off but perhaps it was fate. I noticed I liked the art and the name of the show sounded cool and I loved the opening song so being the Sci-fi nerd that I was I could not resist  the idea of watching it. Normally I take ages to start an anime but for some reason I started this one immediately. I initially intended to watch one episode before going to bed but instead it left me hooked. I ended up finishing the entire show in one night.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Astra lost in Space has its  humor and light hearted moments along with its tense and dramatic scenes. It has memorable music in that it could touch your heart while simultaneously allowing you to feel the same anxiety the characters feel through it all.  The music is spectacular for the atmosphere and memorable. It has emotional tracks as well.

The animation for the show is brilliant thus allowing the many planets the characters explore to be memorable. The animation is perfect for the atmosphere of the show, every tense and emotional scene is animated with such care that those scenes really stand out 8j the show.

In a way the story of this show reminds me of Xenoblade Chronicles and Persona. My two favourite video games franchises.

Xenoblade for its atmosphere in exploring the unknown and a plot that goes over the ambitions of mankind with plenty of plot twists to keep you craving for more. It’s similar to Persona in that it follows a large well developed cast uncovering a mystery together all while dealing with the notion that there may be a traitor amongst their midst. By the end of the show it’s hard not to get attached to the characters with how much you have seen them struggle and grow. It has a charming cast of characters that all change through the course of the show. They all have the secrets they keep from each other however the bonds they manage to forge by the end of the show are sweet. Each of the characters manages to find a family together, even if for others it may seem harder or even impossible to do.

Astra Lost in Space is an anime that makes me very emotional. I honestly cried while writing this but remembering this show just makes me very happy. It's a show I hold very close to my heart. It was a roller coaster of emotions, it made me cry, it made me feel tense and anxious, it made me smile. It scared me, it gave me chills, it did it all. It reminded me how well stories can truly be. It's a show that touched my heart in so many ways. This is a journey I cannot recommend enough, it is my favorite anime to exist and I hope that other people can take it upon themselves to give it a chance and remember if you don’t want to watch the anime, there’s always the manga too :)

I would like to thank everyone that made it through the end of this essay. I hope you consider giving this incredible show a watch. I find it very special and perfect. I hope whoever is reading this enjoys it as much as I do.

On a side note please do not skip the endings, there's important after credit scenes on each episode.

[brolantra]

I always used to question how I could still have love for people who have literally done everything in their power to break me… and I always used to tell myself that’s just proof the love I give is unconditional and it’s proof my capacity to love is vast. Which isn’t untrue, but that’s only half of the truth. The other half of the truth is that my ability to love those who wish me harm is only an extension of the fact that I love the 3 people who ruined my life before it even really began with all of my heart and soul. And I always will despite everything that happened. My brother has hurt me more than anyone else on this planet, but my parents are equally responsible for how I became so mentally ill. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, chronic anxiety, and cPTSD. It’s one thing to heal your soul through spirituality, which I’m not minimizing cuz that’s where I started and it’s just as important. But healing my BRAIN??? Just wow. I knew it was going to be hard but some days are so hard I don’t know how the fuck I’ve made it this far. Healing ptsd makes healing bipolar disorder seem like a walk in the fucking park (and it wasn’t easy at all believe me.) I know how powerful I am. I know if I can heal my brain of bipolar disorder I can do anything I put my mind to. But dis shit is harrrddddd. I’ve had to take radical accountability for correcting issues that simply were not my fault, and it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I think there’s a difference between self pity, and just being completely honest with myself.. cuz I do my best to not throw pity parties and I try to just focus on my forward motion. But I’ve learned enough now to know I’m not doing myself any justice by minimizing the pain that was inflicted on me in my formative years because that pain has been the foundation for every other connection that has caused me harm in my life. Both romantic & platonic. I really do understand why people opt out of real healing.. cuz this shit ain’t for the faint of heart at all. Only the truly strong survive the depth of the mud you have to trek through. Allowing myself to be vulnerable in this open space. This safe space I’ve created for myself over the years.. it really helps. I also journal in a physical journal and in the notes in my phone. Never seems to be enough though. Definitely proof I’m meant to be a writer, which is off topic but yea. I hope as the energy of this full moon fades out I’ll feel better. These emotions are coming up for a reason, I have to get them out of my system. I don’t like feeling this way but I know moving through it is the only way to go, resisting the current will only hurt me more. Doing the best I can. Hopefully in a few days this stage of my journey will be behind me cuz whew.. I’m a hot mess right now

[asatarot]

Communicating with Your Inner Self via Tarot: Four Steps to Harnessing Your Power Through the Cards"

I practice tarot with myself almost every day. When I am facing anxious thoughts, I pull cards and journal until clarity replaces worry. When I’m having trouble making a decision, tarot helps me understand that I already know what I’m going to choose, I want permission to know it. 

The cards have a strong personality, a sense of humor, a directness, a poetry. They help me see my own story from a distance so that I can see clearly what chapter will be next. I believe the cards function with a power all their own, and that power is in direct relationship to the power we give it. You can’t have one without the other. You are what makes tarot work. 

Though the opinions of beloved friends, trusted loved ones and people we look up to are beautiful additions to our decision making, none of them will ever be a replacement for you knowing what is best for you. You have the final say. Tarot cards are here to help you get in the habit of chatting with yourself and knowing what intuition feels like in your body. These are powerful tools that strengthen your self-respect. When you are the higher authority in your life, you’ll find it’s much simpler to walk the path of your higher self. Tarot is the gateway to a powerful relationship with yourself that is built on trust. 

Art And Psyche 

The visual world is inherently intuitive. Intuition is that tip of your tongue feeling, that place of information inside you that’s not quite your mind. It goes beyond the limitations of logic and into something more. When we create art, we can’t help that our psyche, some underground piece of us, comes forward into what we create. When we perceive art, we see it through the lens of our own emotions. It’s why Rorschach tests and art therapy have relevance; you see the world through you-colored glasses.  

Dreams, the original movie, are an example of visual storytelling inherent to the human experience. When we experience the cards of the tarot, we are connecting to visual archetypes that allow us to view our own story as cinematic. It gives us the gift of distance and metaphor, which can soften the blow of experiencing our feelings. Sometimes I picture the cards as a theater troupe, or maybe more of an improv troupe. They put on a play for you about your question and the reason you’re asking it. They say the spectator sees more of the game.

Take Your Own Advice 

The cards are like a good friend: they don’t tell you what to do, they reflect to you what you are saying until you know what to do. They hold space for your feelings and remind you who you are. They are blunt when it’s necessary. Practicing tarot with yourself is a fantastic gateway for taking your own advice. If you can trust yourself enough to know in your body when you’re right about a card interpretation, you can trust yourself enough to guide yourself. When pulling cards for yourself, I highly recommend journaling at the same time. Write down your question before pulling, write down your reactions. Remember that the cards only want what’s best for you. Lean into the interpretations that support your growth. You’ll find you respect your authority more when you are kind to yourself. 

Be Nice To Yourself 

In my experience, being kind to yourself is the best way to promote inner change. You cannot shame yourself into being better. When you are hard on yourself for your mistakes, you recommit to your negative pattern. It can be challenging to spot a scammer in the tarot world, but one thing I would stay clear of is readers who push fear and self-punishment. Don’t put up with that from a reader and don’t put up with that from yourself. As you pull cards, speak softly to yourself. This is your movie, and you have the power to decide your story. 

Self-Trust 

Self-trust is a very powerful place from which to operate. It doesn’t prevent tough times, but it does make tough times feel less impossible. I encourage everyone to make art in their diary, write about their dreams, and pull cards for themselves. Prepare for the cards to blow you away with their on-the-noseness, and take extra time to sit with the cards that confuse you. ‘Allow’ is a word I sometimes say to myself in the middle of a reading. You are excavating the self-trust that was inherent at your birth.

[randadrives]

An overview: Moab pt. 1

In 2021, I had no idea where Moab was or why it was considered special. By the beginning of 2023, I had my sights set on finding out. And I really do mean finding out, because I did minimal research! At the end of May that year, I was hooking up my tow trailer, packing my dogs in the truck, and headed west to drive about 1900 miles by myself to a campground in hopes the seasonal job offer I had lined up would work out. The tales of that road trip I’ll save to write for another day, as right now I want to focus on the magnificent experience of Southeast Utah. I heard many people over the years talk shit on Utah, tell me to avoid it, tell me there is nothing there but desert and Mormons. All it took was one different person telling me “I always end up going back to Moab because it feels like home” (shoutout to a wonderful person I met in high school). My advice to fellow travelers, or aspiring travelers, now is: don’t take travel advice from people who have never been anywhere. No offence to vacationers, because everyone travels and finds joy in their own ways, but if someone from western PA tells me not to go to a place like Utah when their yearly vacation is to Myrtle Beach or Florida, I would take their advice with a grain of salt. It might be good advice for them, but that doesn’t make it good advice for you! Discovering for myself what the place had to offer was important to me, and I went with the mindset that if I wasn’t having a good time, I could leave without fulfilling the seasonal commitment. I’m not normally the type to give something up so easily, but that thought was imperative to convincing myself to go try this. If you don’t like it, allow yourself to change your mind.

On my trek, seeing the “Welcome to Utah” sign was magical. There was a gradual change in landscape my last hundred miles or so through Colorado before the border. All the sudden I really was driving through the desert, with vast views on both sides. The sky appeared so open, and I couldn’t wait to see what the stars looked like at night. At the junction of I-70 and Highway 191 is a gas station called Jackass Joe’s, or Papa Joe’s according to Google Maps. This is about 35 minutes from downtown Moab, and I suggest stopping. It’s florescent green, covered in aliens and UFO’s, and they sell many convenient items but are known for their beef jerky and freeze-dried candies. It’s a fun place to take photos and look around to get your eyes off the road for a few minutes. Once on Highway 191, things really start to get interesting. The scenery changes from isolate desert to mountain ranges in the distance, and massive, red rock formations. I thought I had never seen anything more beautiful in my life (this phrase has crossed my mind several times, in several places all over the world, and each time I believe it wholeheartedly, and that’s how you remain happy with life). I looked up that night that these were the La Sal Mountain range of the Manti-La Sal National Forest, and I would spend a lot of time there later. At 13,000 ft, it is Utah’s second highest mountain range. The red rocks started getting closer and more densely occupying the space right after passing the airport (which you will surely miss if you’re not looking for it extremely hard) and the Moab Giants, a museum that will catch your eye with a life-size model of a tyrannosaurus rex outside. On the left hand side, you’ll pass Arches National Park and may not even know it, and then the entrance to Lions Park and a road called 128 next to the Colorado River, which is a must see for anyone who drives through this area. On the right of that is an equally enchanting Potash Rd, which goes up the opposite direction along the river. Then very suddenly, depending on the time of year, you’re in the hustle and bustle of a small town teeming with tourists from all over the world. On both sides there are fast food restaurants that you just don’t expect to see after the sheer magnitude of the rocks you just passed. There are ATV rental businesses, hotels, campgrounds, bicycle stores, and everything you can imagine a small town might need on top of that for their year-round residents. My favorite part was the lack of a Walmart (even Moab can’t escape the grip of Dollar General, though). I passed sign after sign advertising river tours, Jeep tours, base jumping, and things I didn’t even consider would be there. It can be overwhelming the first time! The coolest part for me was with the amount of traffic to look at, all of the overlanding vehicles you notice. The Jeeps with the full set up, the old-school VW vans, the expensive Sprinter vans, the truck campers, the RV’s and tow trailers, the giant Class A’s, the school buses! Bicycles and motorcycles mounted on everything, kayaks and canoes, extra gas cans everywhere, stickers and patches galore. I was thinking how surrounded I was by people who were very intentionally living their lives, and I knew coming here was a decision I would not regret. Downtown, I passed several cute little stores and bakeries I knew I’d be checking out soon. I’m a sucker for a handmade, local souvenir, and I love coffee shops. Exiting the main drag and continuing down 191, the stores and businesses lessen and you can see the full view of the Moab Rim, the cliffs along the west side of the town. These are beautiful when the sun hits them. And just ahead you can see the La Sal mountains in their full glory. I arrived at the campground, Moab Rim Camppark, and let the exploring begin.

[aajjks]

tc koo we can do it tonight? oh fuck- god i feel like i almost came just from hearing you say that.. i just wanna mark you permanently so fucking bad. yes we’ll do it tonight! oh.. dongmin.. what a waste of space.. which reminds me, why haven’t you killed that bastard yet? i’ll never forgive myself for going to him when i should have known i was made for you.. i was so foolish to believe i belonged anywhere other than right by your side. but at the same time.. i kinda did just wanted to see how much you’d go through just to get me.. and you did not disappoint me. i’ll never get over how wet i got once i saw you after weeks of running away from you.. baby i don’t like messes, you know that. shhh baby, i would never leave you. never. if i ever left, i’d take you with me. nobody in this planet will ever get an opportunity to be with you. let alone to stand by you. it’s like the ole saying, if i can’t have you, nobody can. and the lengths i’d go to insure that i will be your only one.. ah my own thoughts scare me sometimes. but my secrets.. i’ll share them with you someday but until then i can swear on my life.. they have absolutely nothing to do with me leaving you or falling for another man. *gets on her knees, kissing his clothes groin* i’ll do anything to prove it to you.. i’d love to learn how to paint from you my love. she sounds like an amazing women. i’m sure she loved you a lot.. not more than me though.. make what quick baby? talking to the janitor? yes baby, 5 mins if that. i put all my love into making your food. a good wife will always take care of her husband. i’ll always take care of you baby, even the things you don’t know about.. yes you will need the stamina to take care of me.. because that’s your job as my husband isn’t? take care of your body so you can fuck me properly.. clean up your mess and we’ll go eat together baby. i have been a bit distracted lately haven’t i? baby, being the queen means i have a lot of my own duties here in the palace. *looks up at him from between his legs* a lot of the help get outta hand sometimes and they need to taught a lesson you know? i’m sorry my love, i’ll work on spending my time with you.. i’m only leaving for a few minutes baby. once this is all cleaned up, i’ll be back before you know it..

“Yn… please you’re going make me cum… ah fuck you drive me so insane…. The urges I get because of you… you make me become a fucking selfish monster, but I love it. I even have the dagger with me look! It’s sharp, see how it’s going over my skin so smoothly? Fuck him, I will only kill him after I’ve got you pregnant so he can see for himself that you’re mine, it’s okay baby…. Even though that made me feel really angry at you, everyone makes mistakes… yes you belong with me…. Really? You wanted to see how far I was willing to get you? Oh baby…. It turns you on when I chase after you like a mad man? You put me through so much anguish though… r-really had me believing for a moment that you were dead??! It’s hot when you boss me around… I’ll clean it all up for you…. YES TAKE ME WITH YOU…. But I will never let you leave me…. I’d rather kill you and myself.. it’s okay yn, I know you love me very much…. Everything is fair in love and war, I know that better than anyone. Your secrets… I want to know them…. But if you want to hide them, I’ll allow that… w-what are you- o-oh my God… yn I think I’m going to cum… I feel so pathetic right now…. Wanna feel your lips so bad around me… my knees feel so weak… s-shit… I’d love to teach you, yes my mother- your mother in law was an amazing woman. She did love me a lot- of course not more than you, baby. Yes, don’t you see how needy I am for you? Make it quick- s-shit! Ca-Can’t wait to eat you- I mean your food then… my good wife…. You’re such a dream. I know you’ll take care of me… being a queen is hard indeed but I need your attention too, fuck all of them. I just need you, I’ll clean this up…. And I’ll wait for you- and if you don’t come back in five minutes, I’ll come after you- fuck your hands feel so good- you’ll be the death of me…”

[itsfuckinganne]

a better update

it is December 28, 2022 n my year has been a big learning lesson. a lot of it, most of it, really hurt.  I chose myself a lot this year and completed my year’s resolution which is to set boundaries. I honestly dont understand why I took this long to act upon the things I want 4 myself but im not surprised. im a very stubborn person and all I do is deflect by creating a different scenario in my brain. das why ive been in this continuous cycle of getting played by the game and I jus..let it happen. I craved things that were not ready 4 me and it made me realize how I keep repeating it LMAOOO but this year I broke some serious habits and reenforced the comfortability of my space. therapy helped a lot (shout out Tina Merced, you are a very kind woman. u are one of the only people who has figured me out..) and having a positive feedback ab my decisions and how I think helps me understand myself. it felt (past tense/explain later) really good to just focus on what I plan 2 do next year. last year I just really wanted to show up 4 everyone more so I ended up acting upon emotion rather than balancing it out w/ what’s realistic. *I forgot what word 2 use in the last sentence so I went on my phone to change the song and then I remembered. I'm listening 2 defibrillator by smino* 

anyways, yeah this year I showed up for myself even if it hurt a lot to let go and I feel a lil lighter. im guilty of a lot, especially how present I am in my rlsps, and I am still for a bit more, but im doing better and those close 2 me see it. I said this all in past tense because Im a lil hurt right now, but it's just an owie. I allowed myself 2 give someone a benefit of the doubt and I feel as if they abused it a little. I know when I reread this in the future 2 reflect, I'll know exactly what im talking about. rather than feeling sad, im SO disappointed. i was feeling a lil better and I thought that would be okay, but I shouldn't disregard my accomplishments cus they're worthy of celebrating. allowing myself to forgive but just being proven right is horrible. it was a real wake up call to continue my self love journey cus I was getting some where and it was somewhere good. my best friend told me that “I know youre a good person and you do too so u dont have to give people multiple chances to prove that” and it struck hard (but 4 the better). I appreciate the transparency that I have w/ my friendships cus w/o it, I probably wouldn't b able to keep myself accountable, but I have been recently and thats why 2023 is going to be a good year. I wonder what karmic situations im going 2 be in. im not anticipating bad, but I can handle some lessons. im allowing myself 2 learn and thats my true end goal. at the end of the day, im just figuring it out. I dont think im doing that bad, but some reassurance would b amazing. I know I am worthy of everything I desire. to have, to feel, to experience. Im going 2 move forward so I can live better 4 myself. by doing that, taking this time, I can show up better. I want 2 do better, b better, all the things ive imagined myself to b. I cant believe I spent so much time settling 4 what I have cus Im constantly validated. the issues r real. I need 2 tell Tina ab this bcuz it makes so much sense. people pleasing cus nothing I ever did pleased my dad. that shit hurtsss, not gonna lie. but thats what I mean, im learning more and applying what I have 2 in my life and its working. by realizing that the pattern exists bcuz I dont rly speak or ever knew that was an issue. it hurts a bit 2 realize that someone who was a part of my life is now booted out of the next year. in pain bcuz I sat through conversations of him telling me how much he loves me, and how I cld b his polly pocket so he could take me everywhere, and how his family loves me, and all these other things and he STILL ran w/ what he wanted. honesty is the best policy and this lil set up pushed me to let go and let live. I wish I cld cry more, im purging the fuck outta this because I cannot let it repeat anymore. I also learned that some people only last so long in your life bcuz of how you coexist together. cutting ties w/ ppl you used to b family with takes a piece of you that dissipates like the rlsps thats gone. sounds dramatic, but that breakup was horrible. also, my dating life was quite the shit show. had my hinge phase, coworkers phase, toxic situation ship (two of those..at the same time but in my defense I was nvr asked 2 b a gf.), & my celibate phase. I nvr intended 2 dissect but it was rough 4 everyone I know and myself. im blessed enough 2 be surrounded by people who want whats best 4 me cus the goal is something we all agree on. 2022 you helped me show up 4 myself better. 2023 were going 2 show up better for ourselves and those around us. ive realized so much (1:11am , im sry in advance) & Ima share w/ some privacy of course. high school situationships r finally cut and I jus cant believe it but im happy 4 everyone whos living in love. realizing im the problem , speaks for itself. im officially tired. thats an update 4 ya

my fit 2day

goodnight

happy new year