#with a red ledger as long as my fucking dick

[lildoodlenoodle]

Some Simon Riley Headshot doodles

[laufire]

WIP Folder Game

RULES: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! and then tag as many people as you have WIPs.

@nightingalesighs tagged me at the perfect time because I meant to do a little clean up of my wip list (drop projects I'm not feeling anymore, see if simple, conceptual ones can be "absorved" by the bigger ones, etc.).

this is still a fucking long list lmfao. and fic-wise, I tried to focus on the ones I consider myself "actively" interested in. I have some wips for blacksails, supernatural, the 100, etc. that are just. lying in wait lol, or others that are mere wisps of ideas rn.

(I bolded and put in cursive the ones I've done changes/work on recently, fwiw)

ORIGINAL STORIES

a child's covenant

all about eve(s)

beneath the foam

chasing fanny

house of providence

one over many

petal decay

the leech of wonderland

the redstart's ledger/space opera 'verse

the travels of soyolmaa

the wicked witches of trickstown/witch coven 'verse

the wings behind the stage

underground elysium

FANFICS

5+1 chalant

amnesiac jason

batman #511

caretaker red hood

convergence & not-wingman

damon & elena: marriage of doom

desperate housewives/supernatural crossover

immortal jason

jason + joker's last laugh

jason survives aditf

jason's journals

journalist dick

paramedic jason + canon bruce + canon jason

prison break: robins

three worlds

time travel: robin jason

young justice: fénix

tagging (no pressure!): @mockerd3light @bombshellsandbluebells @mircallaruthven @blairwaldcrf @lichfucker @cypresssunns

[thekillingjoke-haha]

We’re Batshit Crazy

@spnquotebingo​ Word count:1,609

Summary: Love isn't all that perfect sometimes love is crazy especially when the Hero is in love with said crazy.

Gotham AU

Jason Todd(Jensen Ackles) x Villan!Reader

Enemies and Lovers (none of that "to" bs)

Gotham Recasting: Batman=John, Dick Grayson(second Robin not first) =Sam ,Tim Drake=Adam, Joker(ledger style)=Lucifer, Harley Quinn=Lilith,ect.

Warnings: Mention of death, blood, guns, and violence

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The mad laughter rung out into the night sky as the purple Lamborghini hit corners with violently sharp turns. "Oh puddin I just love family night!~" The pale platinum blonde giggled as the man with green dyed hair licked his smiling lips. A bubble of laughter came from the back seat he turned around to see his princess looking out the small back window. "Batsy batsy batsy" Her low/high pitched giggle caused a crazy chain reaction as the bat mobile hurried to catch up. "Always ruining our fun,huh,princess?" The clown king shifted his gray-ish blue order into the mirror grinning making the scars on his face raise into a sinister smile at the look of pure chaos in his daughter's e/c eyes. "Not tonight! Not on my birthday!!" She said as she smiled reaching under the seat to pull out a Tommy gun. Climbing to the front seat sitting on her mothers lap she leaned out the passenger window. "Go back to the Rat cave your not gonna put a downer on my weekend!" Y/n yelled shooting off round towards the tires,windshield,and headlights.

The mobile didn't seem to have a scratch as as a motorcycle pulled up beside it. Slipping back in the car the younger women pouted looking at get parents. "He called his little birdie no doubt the replacements in the car." Y/n huffed as she dug around for more fire power. "Puddin we have a visitor.~" The red mask gazed at us as he lifted a forearm pistol. Shots were fired and Joker took a hard right almost like tron the motorcycle quickly turned into a ally to avoid being hit. "Sorry Princess might have to cut tonight shot." He said licking his lips as a thump came from the roof making the youngest clown snarl her eye crazed as she shot above her as the purple car swerved wildly. "YOU'RE RUINING MY BIRTHDAY,BATS!!!" Y/n cackled madly a mixture of her parents laughed till the magazine ran out.

They got to one of their warehouses where Jokers men were armed to the teeth. The clown mask had black soulless eyes and immediately fired the moment the batmobile entered. Y/n skipped out of the purple Lamborghini she got on her tippy toes and kissed her dad on the cheek. "I got the hooded punk. Can you clip the bats wings for me...a little present?!" He laughed as he armed himself with a shotgun. "Anything for my princess." The f/c sf/c female clown skipped away knowing that the motorcycle riding vigilante was hot on her tail. That's how she found herself on the roof tops jumping the gaps as heavy footfalls followed. Her loud laugh echoed as she leaped to a smaller building hiding behind a vent the moment the brown leather jacket came into view she tackled the tall man. They were both panting as a grin pulled on the clowns lips.

Y/n POV

"Caught ya,Jay bird." I giggled pulling of the helmet his apple green eyes covered by a second mask stared at me he chuckled as his hand slipped above his head in mock surrender. "Yeah you caught me,beautiful." Leaning down I kiss him my hands pushed into his cheeks my thumb running over the scarred J. We've been dating for awhile now ever since dad kidnapped the second Robin at seventeen. I was fifteen at the time and dad had me at his side as he tortured him.I was always there to stitched him up and put burn cream after shock therapy I didn't know how we got attached maybe because he wanted to rebel a little by talking to me or someone around his age saw the same if not worse shit.

Six years ago(Y/n 15 Jason 17)

"Why are you helping me?" Looking up his head was strapped down along with his arms and legs. I shrugged my shoulders I knew who he was if I wiped off the make up and temp dyed my hair I was the honor student in the same class as him. Jason Todd anyone with eyes had a thing for him,but after removing his mask it wasn't hard to piece together who the bat fam is. "I know what my dad has planned for you Jay. This is just a band-aid on a gunshot wound and might I say that's very unhelpful." This was the first I spoke to him and it wasn't long before Dad beat him to death.

Two years later.

I sat in the back of the car as Frost drove. We just left the cemetery. "Why are we doing this,n/n." He asked looking in the rear view mirror at me. I'm seventeen now my thoughts screamed at me. Why was I trying to bring him back? "Because I crazy that why!" I giggled as we grew closer to the lazapit. He was dressed in a black suit with red tie his body sunk into the water as I waited. A loud gasp drew my attention as he shot up a white streak in his hair. "Heya sleeping beauty." Looking over in shock he lowly made his way looking like a baby deer. "I'm alive,but h-how?" His green eyes looked at me. "A Ghoul owed me a few favors I just asked to use his fountain of youth." Handing him a towel and some clothes. "Sorry about the outfit,but Arkham does have one size fits all." Jason chuckled as he started to dry off.I realized why I brought him back. I was crazy about him.

Two more years later(two years ago)

Jason wanted to stay dead he didn't go back to His dad and brother after he realized that neither of them tried and save him. It was sad to see,but it brought Jason closer to me and he started to trust me and I gave trust in return. Blood coated my hands while some was on my face. Looking at Jay some was speckled on his cheeks taking the pockets square out of the mobsters coat I wiped it off he looked down at me his arm slipped around my waist pulling me closer my breath hicked. "Will you be my girlfriend,my little jester?" A large smile grew on my face as my arms went around his neck pulling him down further. "Gladly,Jay bird." I kissed him not caring if my lipstick stained his lips and he didn't seem to care either as the kiss grew more intense. We shared our first kiss at nineteen surrounded by dead bodies as sirens and the unmistakable sound of the armed batmobile. At least he's as crazy about me as I am about him.

One year ago. (Jason POV for a sec)

I came to Bruce I hate to admit it but I needed advice about the one think he knew best. Women. It was just a couple of months ago he found out I was alive and shocker he managed to drive Dicky boy to Blüdhaven to get away from him to get his own image and not just Robin. Oh and surprise surprise when out of robins he had a spare like a tire and it's name was Tim. Nevermind that I stood across from Bruce in his home main office he had a frown on his face. "You're dating someone and its serious and I didn't know about it?" He asked trying to deduct everything. "I've been dating her ever since I came back. As strange as it might sound,but I want us to be something more." That's when the billionaire playboy stood up standing just a inch shorter then myself.

"Life is short Jason and you've experienced that first hand if you feel that both of you are perfect enough to be more then go for it." Perfect wasn't realistic nothing was ever perfect my life isn't perfect her life sure as hell isn't she's the clown princess I'm a bat son. Maybe that what makes us so good together the fact that it would have never really happened any other way life is just crazy like that.

Present

Staring into those vexing green eyes always brought me back. We're both twenty-one him being older only by a couple of months. "Happy birthday,gorgeous." His voice brought me back as my smile grew. We were standing up now he held a box wrapped in my two favorite colors. "Awe you shouldn't have." I grab it and opened it a gun was inside it was red and gold revolver it looked like my moms love/hate gun,but it said King/Queen. Looking at Jay I reached to hug him when suddenly he dropped to one knee pulling out a box with a beautiful f/c ring and ruby gem. "This feels over due. You took care of me when I was considered enemy number one. You brought me back from the grave when my own family didn't try. And this might sound stupid,but I had a crush on you in middle school you were one of the only people that didn't give me pity after Bruce adopted a street kid." He licked his lips as he gave of a small smile. "Together we are far from perfect, but we are good. You complete me...Y/n M/n Napier become my queen?" My eyes glossed over with tears my make up running down the pale foundation. "Oh my god of course!!!" I jumped into his arms hugging him tightly before letting him slip on the ring. "I love you." "I love you more crazy." I chuckle it sounded watery in my throat. "If I'm crazy then that makes two of us. You wanted to marry me." Yep we're both batshit crazy.

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A/n: Quote= We are far from perfect, but we are good. ~Supernatural

Is it just me or does Jensen look fucking hot as Red Hood?! I'm mean he's definitely a reason to move to Gotham

Well first crossover AU in my bingo card

[sirianisrock]

"I'll always come back to you"

Okay I wanted to write this as a little gift to a special person I met like,a month ago in here. She's the kind of friend everyone should have in its life,I love her so much and she'd been here for me in some of my hard moments. This is the first real fiction I write,it's not that good of course but I tried my best.

This is for you baby @nothing-but-a-comedy

Summary : After escaping from Arkham Asylum,the first thing that crosses Joker's mind is his kitten. He's gonna come back to remind her who she still belongs to.

Warnings : Smut, poor English since it's not my first language (sorry),a little long maybe, this is Heath Ledger's Joker.

It's been 3 weeks.

Batman took Mr.J away from you 3 long weeks ago. You've been crying so much,you thought you could never see him again..how would you live now? What could you do to help him out of that fucking prison?

You could do nothing but cry,and the thought of him not being there with the person he loved the most was consuming you.

Your days were now even longer than usual,there was nothing and no one waiting home for you after work,no one to dedicate your life to,nothing that kept you sane anymore.

"..Will I go crazy?" You asked yourself while tears kept running down your red cheeks; you were sitting on the couch of your and Joker's shared apartment,looking at emptiness while drowning in your own thoughts,in the silence of the living room. There was only a little weak lamp on,that made enough light for you to not be in total dark. You felt so exposed,unprotected and cold without Joker by your side..you were now so used to him (even when he was out till late night) that you couldn't imagine your life without him anymore at this point. In his craziness,he kept you sane,alive. He made you feel loved and worth like nobody else did in your life,even if he never was the most sweet and affectionate person..but he always tried to,for you,his kitten.

You were so lost in your thoughts that you didn't bother switching on the tv. That prevented you to see the news: "..some patients escaped the Arkham Asylum after a big unkown explosion a few hours ago. Most of them were threatened by the police but some even more dangerous escaped and are now free in Gotham,The Joker included.."

You decided to stay on the sofa,too weak to get up and go to bed,so you leaned down,head resting on a pillow and eyes fixing the void.

It was 1am. Your eyes were heavy and red from the unstopped crying you had and all the tiredness that affected your body. Since your lover was taken away,you couldn't sleep properly,if you were lucky you slept a few hours every night,your mind too busy thinking of him.

Suddenly something took your attention: you heard footsteps in the hallway behind the walls of your apartment. They were slow,heavy..and they stopped right in front of your door. You sat up slowly, able to see the shadow of the person standing behind it from below the door. Was someone trying to break in?

The thought of it made you shiver in fear,knowing that this time no one was here to protect you. You were so scared you could only stay still and wait for something to happen.

Bang! A crash made the door wide open loudly and you jumped in fear,standing up next to the couch shaking as a leaf.

The sound of a chuckle.

"Did my kitten miss me?"

Joker was standing at the entrance of the apartment,looking straight at you. You were so shocked that you couldn't get the words out of your mouth,but tears started coming out of your eyes again in happiness realising the man you loved so much was here. He saw your still scared eyes,so,after closing the door,he came closer,just a few feet from you; he could read in them all the pain that tortured your soul all these weeks he was away. He put a hand on your cheek,swiping away some hot tears.

You hugged him so tight that you feared of breaking some of his bones but you couldn't help yourself,it seemed like a dream.

"I..I missed you so much..I thought I lost you forever..I tried to think of a way t-to take you back but I couldn't and I'm so sorry..I thought I was going craz-"

Joker didn't let you finish the sentence that his rough but sweet lips crashed on yours,taking your breath away.

"Daddy's here now baby.I will take care of you the proper way cause uhh..I know you missed me as much as I did,doll"

His words made you blush and feel hot,you were so starved from him that just his deep and rusky voice would be enough to make you cum in your pants.

He took your hand and guided you to the bedroom.

"Sit down baby" he ordered,and you obeyed him sitting on the edge of the bed.

He took off his long purple coat and put it aside,heavy from the granades and blades inside of it.

He sat right next to your trembling body.

"Did ya really think I would forget of my good girl,huh? That I would leave that Bat tear us apart..mm?"

Joker took his gloves off,his bare hands going slowly up your body,from your hips to you neck,stopping there.

He came closer to you ear,growling.

"I missed my little kitten so much..ya know? I couldn't wait to come home to you,eat that sweet pussy of yours and fuck you so hard that all Gotham would hear your screams.."

A shiver ran down your spine and hotness started to form between your legs. His voice was the most erotic thing you ever heard in your entire life right now.

"What are you waiting for then..daddy?" Your words came out so low and trembling that you thought he didn't even hear you. But he did.

He laughed at your sauciness. "Naughty girl..ya can't wait for your daddy to raw you,don't ya?"

You nodded eagerly without even thinking,his hands leaving your body.

"Lie down,take your pants off and spread those beautiful legs for me,doll"

You did has he asked,while he put on again his purple leather gloves,his dark eyes following every your movement.

As you shyly spreaded your legs,your panties were so soaked that it was impossible for him not to notice.

An evil smirk ran through his face,while he came down between your legs.

"My my..looks like someone really missed me,isn't it?

Your breath was becoming heavy,you needed him so much you almost couldn't handle it.

His gloved hands took the panties down your legs,throwing them to the floor.

Before you could even see it,he attached his mouth to your wet pussy,sucking and licking your juices like a starved animal. You screamed and moaned in pleasure,grabbing his hair for support while electricity ran down your body.

Joker was enjoying it as much as you,you felt his moans over your sensitive clit with every lick he gave you. As if this wasn't enough,with his right gloved hand he put two fingers roughly inside you,moving them in and out,in..and out. Your orgasm approached quickly, you felt yourself losing it when he said "Cum on daddy's mouth baby,let me taste your sweetness.."

With that,you came moaning around his fingers and tongue,almost breathless from how hard your climax hit you.

With the smirk still on his face,his makeup was all messy,mixed with your juices all over his mouth and nose. Joker got up and slowly unzipped his pants,taking his underwear down enough for his cock to come out. He was as hard as wood,your mouth salivated.

"Come here doll,don't ya want to taste daddy too?"

As soon as you sat back down on the bed,he grabbed the hair on the back of your head in a fist and pushed you down his hard dick.

You took all of him in your mouth,you could taste the precum already dripping from it while you sucked his manhood hard.

His face contorted,throwing his head back in pleasure as he started trusting in your throat faster. His moans filled the apartment's bedroom,turning you on even more than before. You were almost choking on him,when you heard a loud groan come from the inside of his own throat and suddenly,hot liquid filled your mouth,coming down from your chin.

He pulled out,grabbing your jaw with one hand. "Swallow."

With a loud "gulp" you swallowed his juice,looking up at him. He had a proud look on his face as he helped you up from the floor.

"Such a good little girl"

Joker lifted your shirt and undid your bra. He then grabbed both of your wrists and pulled you back down on the bed,tying them tight so you couldn't move anymore.

"Now now kitten..time to play"

A little laugh escaping his lips. He started undressing too,removing totally his bottoms,then the vest,suspenders and his shirt for last. He approached you slowly on the bed,his face close to yours started kissing your jaw,down your neck,leaving bites and purple marks on your body.

You arched your back in pleasure,as he whispered in your ear "Your are Mine..only mine baby. Never forget that"

You couldn't answer,so needy you were for him.

He kept biting that sensitive spot of yours below your jaw,making you see stars.

He touched your breasts,hands still gloved,going down on your hard nipples. He took them in his mouth,licking and sucking them both; you were in ecstasy,calling his name over and over.

"Fuck J..fuck" was all you were able to say.

One of his big hands came down your pussy,stimulating your clit once again.

Your pussy was still sensitive from your earlier orgasm,so it didn't take long for you to be on the edge. When Joker felt you tighten on his fingers,he removed them.

With a disappointed face,you looked down at him. "J w-why did you stop..?I was so close..!"

The smirk on his face never left him.

"Baby, we got all night long to make up for uhh..for the time we lost",he licked his red lips.

You were panting,as he started again fingering you with those purple gloves. While one hand stayed occupied inside your pussy,the other one held a blade; he moved it down your jaw,around your nipples and breasts and down your belly..the blade was cold and the contact with your hot skin gave you goosebumps.

He kept edging you for a good hour. You were sweating,heavy breath,wet as never in your life and almost exhaust.

"You see baby..uhh you are lucky ya know? Cause daddy needs you too,so I'm gonna give you what you..(licks his lips) what you need"

Joker finally untied you,freeing your wrists.

"Turn around doll,show me that pretty ass"

Slowly you turned around,now on all four on the bed. He grabbed your ass cheeks and slapped them,the leather of the gloves hard on your skin,made you whimper.

You couldn't see him,but you felt the sound of his skin while with one hand he stroked himself.

"Ya ready for daddy's cock baby,hmm?"

You nodded,but that wasn't enough for him.

Grabbing your hair making you tilt your head back, he whispered in your ear "I want you to say it loud"

"I'm-i'm ready f-for your cock,daddy"

Satisfied with your response,he bit your earlobe,his breath next to your ear gave you goosebumps.

"Good girl..Now stay still while daddy puts his cock inside your little pussy"

The head of his dick teased your entrance,using your juices to lubricate it.

Then slowly,he entered you. Your walls clenched around him,adjusting to his lenght.

"Fuck..my naughty girl sure has a tight pussy".

You both let out a moan while he started trusting roughly inside you,keeping a steady and fast pace.

You held tight the bed sheets while he held your hips in place so strong,there would for sure be bruises on them later.

The sounds he was making,growling in pleasure while fucking you hard,made you closer and closer to your second orgasm of the night.

You were both panting,and you felt Joker was close too while his dick kept pushing deep inside you,hitting that sweet spot over and over again.

"Cum doll..your pussy is so tight,I know you are close. Cum for me you little slut"

Those were the magic words that made you release around his cock.

Feeling your cunt stretching around him,he came seconds later,collapsing on your back.

Joker waited for his breath to come back before pulling out and laying down next to you. You collapsed too,your head on his sweatie chest,still out of breath.

"I missed you so much J..I didn't know what to do without you.. "

Your eyes had tears in them,thinking back of when he wasn't there with you and you were alone for so long.

He saw the sadness in them,and gently held your chin up to make you look at him in the eyes.

"I missed you too baby,so so much. But now I'm here with ya and I'm not leaving." A little smile from the corners of his scars made your heart melt,giving him a sweet kiss on the mouth.

"I'll always come back home to you kitten,no matter what."

I hope this is not the worst thing you guys read,I tried my best I swear

[nightcoremoon]

so for the first time I saw batman: the killing joke.

...

it was okay I guess. but massively overrated. I expected some fucking masterpiece of cinema but instead it was just two unrelated short films that were more style and flash than substance.

so first off, barbara's storyline was mediocre. franz wasn't a compelling villain; just a creep, and a trust fund brat. oh wow he's a mafia kid who stole his family's fortune by hacking. if it was the falcone family I'd have cared more but it wasn't so it's just some faceless deathfodder rando. who gives a shit. the whole situation was just a vehicle to shove batman's dick into babs. which kinda fucks over bruce's character here and judging by the timeline kinda makes him a bit of a groomer, yikes. bruce and gordon have known each other since bruce was a young boy and we know that bruce is way older than babs so yeah bruce totally knew her from birth until present day, he literally utilized an active power dynamic to police her crimefighting activities, and he should have fucking known better and stopped her when she kissed him because it would (and did) compromise their professional dynamic, but hey, batdick. and at least barbara recognized that she was behaving emotionally rather than logically when it came to bruce and paris and took the high road out. that would be a serviceable standalone episode to write her on a bus in a serialization but THIS IS A MOVIE. so for a waste of an already short runtime it's like having an appetizer before your meal but instead of something like a crab cake before stuffed flounder, you get greasy onion petals that are more fried batter than onion before getting a well done cheeseburger that's just a glorified hockey puck on a sponge with a kraft single on top. the animation and vocal delivery were excellent of course, not gonna disparage that aspect, so it was well made, but the writing was just not very good. a polished turd. quantic dream must have developed it then because it feels like I watched a david cage production.

so in a 78 minute movie, five of which were the credits, we had a half hour Disney/Pixar short except those bring joy and this brought boring. also there were a lot of shots of her ass tits and underwear that were obnoxiously male-gazey and there was a token gay for the sole purpose of dangling a carrot on a stick for the queers. look kids, warner brothers and dc comics cares about the lgbts! give us money! a waste of time before the real reason why anyone came to see the movie that literally only exists to pad out the runtime to make it a feature length (even though paying a full ticket would've been a total ripoff because, again, IT WAS ONLY 78. even 9 was 81 minutes long and that had an amazing storyline so I forgave it, but 78 minutes? ugh.

also, GOTHAM RAGE??? CRINGE. SO CRINGE.

alright now for the joker segment.

*ahem*

what the fuck? that sucked! *throws tomato*

mark hamill and the joker's lines and the art and the cinematography and the choreography was all good and the plot was cohesive. I get it.

but holy shit was the writing weak as fuck.

okay so some rando breaks the J-ster out of Arkham (already unlikely but ugh whatever), he didn't turn a trick or recruit or anything, he just went to purchase a carnival. or, steal one. but wait, he DID recruit, but he went to get all of the stereotypical Circus Freak™ stereotypes. little people, fat lady, bearded lady, wolf man, strongman, diaper man (wait, what?), and the two headed woman. I guess if you don't really think about why all of them were super readily available in the outskirts between arkham and gotham [i just realized they both end with -am] then it makes enough sense. and then literally right after that HE RECRUITS SOME GUYS TO HELP HIM KIDNAP GORDON. and then strips and photographs barbara. um. ew. you can tell the writer and director were men. Alan Moore is constantly molesting women in his comics and this one trick pony should be put down already. but whatever. the plot is weak and it only gets saved by the flashback sequences.

oh.

oh no.

they're not that great.

he's a failed unfunny comedian who just wants some money to move his wife to a better house so he turns to thievery with the mob. OR YOU COULD JUST STOP GOING TO THE BAR AND BLOWING IT ALL ON BOOZE. I mean the cops knew where to find him after all so clearly he's a repeat customer (or moore is a bad plot writer who relies on convenience and shut the fuck up and don't critically analyze it). alright so he gets wrapped up in the mob to perform a heist on a playing card factory. GET IT, BECAUSE HE'S THE JOKER??? and he uses the moniker of the red hood to retain his anonymity. I expected the mobsters to be working for francisco but no the paris storyline was only cooked up screenplay for passing the runtime so why would they do something clever and interesting and make the film cohesive? that'd be really stupid to make the movie feel more like one movie and not two short films. at least when grindhouse & planet terror did it they advertised themselves as an anthology film. whatever. he falls in the vat of acid which melts the red hood to his face and I gotta say that's actually a pretty good idea to get his face white and his hair green and his lips red. I like that part. oh wait I forgot about the most important part! his wife gets shoved in the refrigerator. OH WOW THAT'S JUST SO COMPELLING AND ORIGINAL, TOTALLY NOT SOMETHING THAT ALREADY HAPPENED TO GREEN LANTERN. TWICE. although she wasn't literally shoved into a literal refrigerator like alex was. rip in frozen pieces you absolute legend of a trope namer. alright, so... so the joker is sad because his wife died. you know, the wife we saw for two minutes and knew the moment we saw her drenched in sepia she was gonna die. and she died offscreen. kyle's gf died and he was fine. gordon's wife died and he was fine. batman's parents both died and he was fine. oh boo hoo someone I love died! fuck off. I am so goddamn sick of people trying to justify their evil with "I was sad once". it's a stupid trope and it's not compelling. the only valid version is doctor doofenshmirtz' evil(er) version in the PF movie because it's hilarious that it's because of a toy train because that's the emotional depth that fridgewomen is treated with in all of these storylines. but at least batman said so. oh yeah, I almost totally forgot, batman's in this movie.

batman punches people and nonlethally takes them out. by suffocating them and letting them get stabbed and throwing them into pits of spikes and HEY WAIT A GODDAMN SECOND! okay let's just ignore that bit and hope that the little people squeezed between the gaps in the spikes and the strongman could breathe in the face mask and the two headed women had KO gas and the fat lady was fat enough that the knives only stabbed her cellulite. it wouldn't be the biggest reach one would have to make in watching this fucking disaster of a plot mess.

now I did like that it was actually batman, and by that I mean he gave a shit about the insane because he recognizes that mental illness is not a cause of dangerous or criminal behavior, just a potential exacerbating factor if it wasn't treated. yeah he brutalized mobsters and crime lords but they were mostly in self defense while gathering intel. he politely asked sal maroni and the sex workers for information and they gave it to him without violence- he manhandled maroni but only after he reached into his pocket for a cigar which could've been a gun. also batman says sex work should be decriminalized if only by not ratting them out to the cops. he was a genuinely good person in the second half of the movie. too bad it was ruined by the shitty first half that made him a borderline groomer.

joker's song was... bad. mark hamill performed his ass off but the song wasn't that good. it just tried to be willy wonka if he was a voyeuristic monster. oh yeah have the only girl character be paralyzed stripped and photographed only to give her father ManPain™. again... the fuck? joker and batman were both gross but, again. male writers. if it was a one-off I could drop a thermian argument because, alright one and done makes sense, especially 1988 standards. but it saturated and soured the entire goddamn movie because of abhorrent pacing decisions. so you're goddamn right I'm gonna bring it up twice! joker was a creep, his plan was dumb, nolan and burton and lord/miller and even ayer had better motivations. YES I AM SAYING THAT JARED LETO'S JOKER HAD BETTER WRITING THAN MARK HAMILL'S JOKER. not nearly to the level of ledger nicholson or galifanakis but hamill didn't have a lot to work with here and I maintain that his performance was amazing; honestly I like his the best out of all of them but just... not here. but I think I can cut some slack to firelord ozai and luke skywalker even if he just phoned it in here which he didn't. writing was just weak. and that's all there is to it. don't anon me and threaten to remove my bones ok?

alright so batman and joker fought and joker got the upper hand and was gonna kill him but it was a prop gun. haha. they had a heart to heart and batman tells joker that he wants to help him get better, even after joker killed robin and molested barbara and traumatized gordon and did countless other travesties, he still said he would help. but joker said no, and told a joke that was good enough to make batman laugh. and then the credits rolled.

...

what a completely pointless and empty ending. oh it's deep and meaningful and poignant? ok sure, I guess, movie, but you didn't earn that. shyamalan did the same thing a dozen times. that doesn't make him any less of a shit writer.

I can understand the concept of batman laughing at joker's joke, humanizing him.

I get it. I see what they tried to do. I respect it.

but this movie was massively overhyped and overrated and I expected it to be so much better than it was. but overall to me it was just another batman cartoon to throw on top of the pile. maybe it was influential to graphic novels. maybe it shaped batman into what he is today. it published right as tim burton's movie and I can respect its place in the pantheon of comic history. but sometimes things that are classic...

aren't that great.

citizen kane, casablanca, the maltese falcon, the treasure of the sierra madre, gone with the wind, singing in the rain, all of them are classic and legendary pieces of art. but they're just not that good, interesting, appealing, watchable, or FUN. they were good at the time- I mean come on we all know them today- but on going back you'd have to really appreciate the finer details to still love the movies today. and this belongs there, in the vault, to be appreciated from afar. influential if dated.

but god am I still disappointed nonetheless.

TL;DR

it was just okay. had some good ideas, had some really bad ideas, had some ugly stuff. overall mediocre. first half 5/10, second half 7/10, overall 6/10.

[hljkr]

♤Red Lips | Ledger!Joker

red lips | ledger!joker

suspect(s): joker x reader

the crime committed: enamoured and charmed, moonlit late-night endeavours that were passionate with entwined bodies and intense orgasms. but there was just one thing missing from it all...

evidence: a lil’ swearing, titty grabbing, mentions of genitalia, suggested smut, intense kithes, joker’s kinda needy so ;))))), daddy kink, low key glove kink because I HAD to, y/n has a thing for scars and joker’s face (who doesn’t??), a like... pinch of angst??

- i had to do it to ‘em

(ok i really tried with this and by that i mean i spent a few hours on it with lousy editing buT this is my first time writing anything even slightly suggestive and with j so i hope this isn’t too bad??? just enjoy it ig djdshds)

Bunching the soft material of the blanket closer to your face, you let out a muffled whine as the insistent ringing of your annoying alarm clock rattled your eardrums and pulled you back down into reality and into a saddening state of consciousness. A shitty way to start the day after a blissful night only a few hours before. Last night had taken its toll on you physically, the bruises decorating your skin and scratch marks adorning your body were evidence enough but you loved and cherished every single one of them. Sighing contentedly, you thought over how amazing it was to be fucked into submission by the love and joy of your life, although he’d never explicitly ever put such a label on you. Even then, the sex was proof enough that he harboured some kind of feelings for you and that was enough to satiate your rapidly growing obsession with the killer clown all of Gotham feared.

Maybe falling in love with the mad man was a mistake, maybe he wasn’t good for you as all the city loved to preach. But who were they to ever have a say? They would never know him like you did, but admittedly even your knowledge of him was limited to what time he woke up and what time he returned. He’d never told you his name, would refuse to remove his protective layer of greasepaint no matter how much you begged and even his age was unanswered for. But what you did know was that he was your J and you’d do anything for him.

Nearly everything for him.

J was a complex and interesting person- his mannerisms and body language always screamed one thing only in the public eye but with you, he was (slightly) more careful, more passionate and while in front of everyone else he’d never be caught dead acting this way but with you, he was generous in multiple ways many could never even imagine him being. You considered yourself privileged to know the criminal mastermind of the city had a soft spot for you. And although you barely knew him, you weren’t afraid to be vulnerable with him. You’d gladly let him into your life and indulged him in your past and your secrets and gifted him your heart as well. But there was one thing that you could never deal with, and it was his lips.

The scars were gorgeous in your eyes, they only added to his already attractive appearance and made your heart leap from even looking at them. You loved to gently trace your fingertips over the smooth faded lines gracing his cheeks while he was resting, admiring them and have pride seep into your chest knowing how strong and resilient he was going through something so obviously traumatic and not allowing it to stop him from doing anything he wanted. But you didn’t lie to yourself, the things he wanted were questionable but you didn’t let it get the best of you. Being intimate with the green-haired clown, the sight of his scars made your arousal and lust for him reach heights you’d never experienced with any ordinary guy. His entire physique had you on your knees for him every day of the week without a fail.

But his lips, covered in the hauntingly familiar red paint that made you shiver at the thought of even touching with your lips. The amount he licked his lips in a day smudged and moistened the paint to a slimy consistency and it made shivers travel down your back. It made you weak in the knees in the worst way possible. For this reason, you absolutely refused to kiss him. And because of this rule, J was not a happy camper.  

♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎

“Come on doll, why don’t you give your-a, J a little kiss?” The Joker cocked his eyebrow, staring down at you from the doorway as you absentmindedly flipped through the TV channels trying to figure out what to watch.

“Because it’s nasty, all your shitty paint is sweaty and wet and your lips are probably slimy from how much you lick them,” you scrunched your nose at the thought of it, shaking your head as you turned to face in his direction. He was visibly unamused and rolled his eyes.

“You're being drama-tic,” he groaned, adjusting his infamous purple coat and stalking towards you, “It’s just a little peck, princess, would it kill ya to show me a little loving?”

“Yes.”

Glaring into his empty eyes, you rose from your spot on the bed and stood in front of him. Your arms were crossed to try attempt to stand your ground, hoping that your stance would make him back down slightly. But this was J you were talking about and your sanguine theory was quickly disproven. Rolling his eyes, his hands immediately circled your waist and pulled you flush against his body. His sturdy chest was pressed against yours, allowing you to feel his steady heartbeat while yours was embarrassingly pounding out of your chest.

“Mmm, come on, doll,” his face was drawing closer to yours, sweat beginning to build up from the nerves. You’d probably fucked a million times and sucked his dick twice that, but kissing felt like a whole other... unpleasant territory.

“J,” you whispered, sucking your bottom lip between your teeth as you carefully considered your options. From close up, the red greasepaint seemed even more gooey and sticky and you visibly winced. There was no way you were going to kiss him, not with that mess all over his mouth.

Pressing a hand against his chest, you gently pushed him back. It was far enough for him to be an inch or two away from you. Unwinding his muscular arms from around your weaker body, you turned towards the door before looking back at him and giving him a sultry stare, “if your scars are anything to go by, you’re sexier without the greasepaint... just saying.”

♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎♔♥︎

A few days later, you were leaning against your kitchen counter and in desperate need of caffeine. Dumping the heaped spoon of coffee grounds into your mug, you idly stirred the drink as you peered around your home. It had been a while since you stayed the night at your house, mainly deciding to spend your days and nights with Joker wherever he decided to spend his time. This time, he’d insisted you stayed at your own place due to some stupid bank heist he was planning with his thugs and explained that ‘he wouldn’t tolerate any distractions.’

Sighing in boredom, you picked up the mug by the handle and carefully waddled over to your couch. Placing the cup onto your coffee table, you plopped down onto the couch and kicked your feet up onto the armrest. The first thing you did was turn the TV on, instantly turning to the news channel to see if J had been true to his word the previous night.

“We have just received reports of another one of The Joker’s-”

Scoffing in disbelief, you pulled yourself up on the couch before turning to another channel- not wanting to listen to how J had lied to you about his escapades only a few hours earlier. Whenever you saw him next you were determined to give him a piece of your mind, you decided. Bringing the boiling hot beverage up to your lips, you gulped down the caffeine that scorched your tongue and burned your throat as it trickled down into your stomach.

It wasn’t any secret, you despised J’s criminal ways and his cunning schemes and all the bad things he loved. You would never force him to stop, your main concern his safety and the thought of him teasing you with his gun and the thought of the sensation of his cool knife brushing against your skin made you hot and bothered. He was quick to calm your doubts and worries, reassuring you that the evil genius could never be killed or caught for long because he always had you to come back to.

Unfortunately, due to him knowing your qualms he tended to lie about his whereabouts to purge you of sleepless nights and restless days spent brooding over him.

“Asshole,” you whispered under your breath, going to take another big mouthful of the drink when it was promptly slapped out of your gasp and tumbled onto the carpet. It narrowly avoided your couch and was a hairs width of coming in contact with your skin.

“You-a, know you love me, Doll,” J’s rough dark voice came from behind you, every hair on your body standing on end as the reality of the situation dawned on you as your back straightened up in fear, “maybe a kiss will-a, make me feel better after you were so rude to Daddy.”

Breath hitching at his creative choice of wording, your core tingled from the excitement his words brought you. Nervously biting your bottom lip between your teeth, you froze as you felt J’s gloved hand sneak around to your front and rest just above your tits. The promise of his hands hidden behind purple leather touching you made you squirm in your seat.  The delicious mix of fear and elation you felt began to cloud your better judgement, knowing deep down you should confront him about what he said but wanting to allow yourself to get carried away with him.

“A kiss? Nothing else?” you softly spoke, turning to face him with half-lidded eyes and an intense fire burning in your gut. Your eyes went to his at first, slowly analysing the rest of his features. The change didn’t register with you at first, your desire fogging your mind and didn’t allow you to see past the image of the regular J you were accustomed to.

“Is my-a, face as sexy as you imaged, Doll?”

Confusion coated your face, eyes frantically wandering around before they widened in awe at the tantalizing sight presented in front of you. His usual white and red paint had been wiped away, small traces of his black eye rimming paint remaining. He was understandably in a rush on his way to your place, but you looked past that as you took in the face of the person you loved.

Crashing his lips against yours, his chapped lips moved with vigour as he swallowed your needy whines and moans that sent heat to his hardening cock. His hand dropped and squeezed your breast painfully hard, but it made a gush of wetness leak from your deprived pussy. Twisting your erect nipple between his fingers, he pressed harder against your plump lips and easily coaxed out more sweet noises from your swollen lips.

“Fuck,” you gasped, hands lifting to grasp his green strands of hair and tugging hard on them, relishing in the grunt he lets out from the sapid stimulation. You felt like putty in his hands, ready to do anything he wanted just to please him. You wanted to ride his cock and see stars, satisfy him in ways that would have him cumming in seconds. And now without that muck coating his lips, your swollen pussy and kissable pink lips were more than willing to give him everything.

“On-a, all fours with your ass in the air, Princess. Daddy wants to have a little fun with his little girl before he-a, has to get back to work.”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #373

“warm me up in a nova’s glow  /  and drop me down to the dream below”

Have you ever kissed someone that you thought you’d never kiss? Welp, never thought I'd kiss a girl for most of my life. When was the last time you ate take-out and what was it that you ate? Mom bought us breakfast at Bojangle's the morning after my sleep study. I got a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. Do you enjoy when guys hit on/flirt with you or does it normally make you uncomfortable or annoyed? When was the last time more than one guy was flirting with you at a time? It makes me uncomfortable, especially if it's very obvious and pushy. Like some respectful flirting is fine and can be flattering if I'm single, but you better respect my boundaries and not act like a dog. I don't think two guys have both been openly interested in me since Juan and Jason in high school. Can you name five things you enjoy looking at pictures of? Animals, flowers, waterfalls, expressions of love between people, and boudoir. Would you rather have an eternal winter or an eternal summer? Both sound pretty sucky, but an eternal summer sounds worse. Do you know much about the Greek gods? Not anymore. I did in high school, as mythology was an elective I took. Are there a lot of stray cats and dogs near where you live? Not in this neighborhood. How would you cope with living in isolation away from society? How long do you think you could cope before you went mad? Oh god, I couldn't cope. I'd lose my shit so fast. Have you ever found any hidden treasure? No. Would you ever want to hibernate through the winter? No, I enjoy winter. Which holiday do you prefer, Halloween or Christmas? I like the Halloween vibe more, but I enjoy Christmas more as a holiday. Do you prefer hot or cold drinks overall? Cold. What’s the smallest thing you’ve ended a relationship over? I don't believe I've broken up with anyone over something small. Have you or a member of your family been diagnosed with COVID yet? My older sister got it. It was hell. What’s the dominant color in the room you’re in at the moment? An off-white. Do you know who your mom’s favorite singer is? James Hetfield of Metallica. Easy. What room in your house is the messiest? The spare room. Have you ever used a “puppy face” to get your way? Ha, yeeeaaah... If you could change any law that exists in your current country, what would it be and why? Here comes free healthcare. For obvious reasons. What were the last toppings you had on a pizza? Pepperoni. Would you rather spend an hour walking a dog or riding a horse? Riding a horse. Do you freak out when you need to visit the doctor or the dentist? Nah. Do you prefer The Lord of the Rings or The Hobbit movies, if you like any of them? I haven't watched either. Which Harry Potter film was your favourite? What about your least favourite? I haven't watched those, either. What do you think about nose piercings? I like them. Nostril studs especially are really cute imo. How many floors does your house have? One. What’s your favorite flavor of Kool-Aid? I don't really like Kool-Aid anymore. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Yeah, a cyst. Do you enjoy sappy love songs? Unabashedly. Do you wear a one-piece or a two-piece when you go swimming? One-piece. What would be your biggest pet peeve in a relationship? Not communicating your feelings straight-up. Be straightforward and honest with what you're going through with your partner, for the love of God. Have you ever had a teacher hit on you? Have you ever hit on a teacher? No to both. Do you tend to eat more on Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas? Christmas, because of chocolate stocking stuffers and boxes from Dad, haha. Do you know what an "AMV" is? Yeah, I used to make them. Do you think you have a sad life? In some ways, yeah. What’s one award show you have to watch every year? None. Who do you like more: the Batman or the Joker? The Joker, particularly Heath Ledger's. Do you like Rammstein? Love 'em. What is your favorite small dog breed? Aesthetically, I think pugs, but I've said before and I'll say it a thousand more times: I don't support breeding them. What was the first comic book you ever had an obsession over? I've never been obsessed with a comic book. Do you like kids pop-up books? Those were my absolute favorite kind AS a kid. What is your mother's mother's maiden name? Ummm I'm pretty sure Collins. Have you ever pet a monkey? No. What’s your favorite Owl City song… besides "Fireflies?" I actually really like "Hot Air Balloon." What’s your fave Miley Cyrus song? I don't know many, but I do know "The Climb" is absolutely gorgeous. Fave Rascal Flatts song? Probably "My Wish." But I also really like "Why" and "What Hurts the Most." Fave Justin Bieber song? None. Miley Cyrus, Demi Lavato, or Selena Gomez? Jesus, you really like bands that I don't, haha. I don't know any Demi or Selena songs, so idk. Fave Eminem song? Oh man, I do like a lot of Eminem. I know it's so cliche, but I genuinely adore "Love The Way You Lie." It gives me goosebumps. Do you think you could survive a month of solitary confinement? NO. Absolutely not. I would lose my motherfucking mind. What is something that you find utterly boring? Sports, save for dance, are incredibly blah to me. What noise/sound can put you to sleep? Gentle, steady rain tapping on the window. When you are upset, do you tend to shut others out? YYYYYYYYYYYEP. When was the last time you felt abandoned by someone? bleh Does the sight of blood gross you out? No. Do you like red roses, or do you prefer another color? I love red ones, but I really, really like the ones with a pink-peach gradient. Have you ever gone through a red light? I think I MIGHT have accidentally because I was zoned out, but I don't THINK so. Do you fail to stop for stop signs, sometimes? I can't recall if I ever have. What is one of your major turn-offs? Misogyny. The moment you act like you exceed my worth just because you have a dick, byyyyyeeee~ During which year of your life were you the most unhappy? 2016 was hell on Earth for me. Have you ever seen a blue jay in person? I have. Do you like leaves better in the summer/spring, or in the fall? I'd like to meet someone that actually chooses anything besides fall, lol. Do you like the appearance of green eyes? YES! Do you typically like green-colored candies? Yessss. It's not rare for them to be my favorite flavor of whatever the thing is. Who is the most energetic and happy person you know of? My nephew, omg. Have you ever encountered a black widow? I actually have seen at least one to my memory. They're native here. Has an animal ever peed on you? Yes. Do you prefer green or purple/red grapes? I enjoy both, but I prefer green IF they're actually firm. What color is your birthstone? Purple. Why did you leave your house last? To go to the TMS office. I have to go there every day (but the weekends) for two months for treatment now. Is anything on your body sore? Well, inevitably my upper right arm, where my tattoo is. It looks so fucking beautiful redone though, it's all worth it. :') Have you ever eaten a cookie cake before? If so, was it good? Hell yeah man, cookie cakes are great. Do you lose interest in someone easily? I'm quite the opposite. Who was the last person you flirted with? Sara. Do you still talk to the person you fell the hardest for? No. Who’s the last person that slept over your house? My sister and her husband. Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Yes. Are you currently sad about anything? I mean, I always am about something. How would you feel if your last ex fell in love with someone else? I would be super happy for her. Who was the last person who left your life and hurt you? Colleen. Do you know anyone who died of breast cancer? I might know of somebody, but all I know personally are survivors. Do you miss any of your old friends? Well of course. Have you ever been used before? I don't know. Ever taken a picture kissing someone? Yes. What’s the last thing you and your sibling laughed about? I Don't know. I haven't seen either in some time. What’s the last thing you took a picture of? A meme to send Sara, haha. Do you listen to classical music? No. Do you tell your parents who you like? Why or why not? I mean, I don't just randomly bring it up because just being like "hey I like this person _____ now" seems weird. Now if I was asked or mentioning it is somehow relevant, then I will. Who’s the most annoying person in your neighborhood? The damn dog next door who never shuts up. Name one of your psycho exes? None. I was the "psycho ex," and it's embarrassing as shit. Do you make your own clothes and/or add designs to them on your own? No. Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? It's not something I always actively think about, but subconsciously, I absolutely always do. Especially knowing my family doesn't buy from "ethical" markets, but instead big ones. "Ethical" in quotations because there is no moral way to slaughter an animal for food, but at least there are smaller farmers who can give their livestock a better, cleaner, happier life. What are you listening to at the moment? I'm semi-watching Gab play Bioshock. I'd never seen the game before, so just kinda vicariously checking it out. Seems all right. Does anything hurt right now? My tattoo is definitely in the sore phase. It'll start scabbing soon. I literally can't stop looking at it, I love it so much. How many years have you lived at the house you’re living in right now? Around 1 1/2. Have you ever lived in a different country that the one you’re living in? No. Which of your parents will you see next? I live with my mom and rarely see my dad, so. Do you like Chinese food? Only pork fried rice and egg rolls, really. What sort of music were you brought up on? When all of us kids were very little, Mom would usually play her rock channels on the radio, sometimes a (clean) CD. She also would ensure to play kids' cassettes sometimes, too, like Raffy or whoever it was. Once Ashley reached a certain age, she would always ask for a pop channel to be put on, so most of my childhood was that and some country music, too.

[unfamiliarties-a]

okay, so it’s been a few hours. things are still a bit fresh. but i’m ready to talk about endgame. i was originally wanting to hold back, but i’ve been dying to write these characters for years so consider this blog a spoiler zone. i’m not actively going to spoil things for people, because i’m not a dick, but i will be taking endgame into consideration for all of my related muses. so for your own safety i would stay off my page until you’ve seen the film. i will be tagging all spoilers regardless. so, if you wanna know my thoughts and how they’ll effect my muses going forward, then please find below the cut and #dontspoiltheendgame.

tony stark. watching tony stark die broke me. it was always going to, but seriously i just had a good five minute sob after the credits bc i felt like i needed to get it out, even tho i cried when he passed. it felt like losing a friend guys. tony stark has been my hero for eleven years, it sucked to see him go. i’m sad he got the life he wanted but doesn’t get to keep it. but honestly ? i’m glad he gets to rest now. i’m glad he goes down as the man who saved the universe. i’m glad he got the best arc in the whole of the mcu. it’s what he and robert deserved and i just wanna say thank you to both, you saved my life guys. 

steve rogers. again, cap’s end felt like it fit so well for him like tony’s did for him. i felt like his was less emotional for me, but i’m glad he got to be happy with peggy, bc that’s all he’s ever wanted and he was able to pass on the shield to sam. honestly i kinda had wanted bucky to get it, but i think in the end it was done right giving it to sam. 

thor. i think people will be split on this, but i liked thor’s arc bc it seemed so real that he would lose himself a bit after all that has happened to him. he lost everything guys. seeing him trying to drink it away was heartbreaking but real. and his scene with his mom ? just .. that is the most profound thing i have ever heard in a film, that everyone fails at who they’re supposed to be and it’s okay bc you can be who you are and nothing else. the only thing that bothered me was having thor not buff up again for the final fight, but other than that i’m good. 

natasha romanoff. i know people will be split on this and honestly i have mixed emotions on it myself. i loved nat, she was my favourite and i didn’t want her to die. but i’m hard pressed to say that it was out of character, bc it wasn’t. fighting with clint to make the sacrifice, finally getting the red out of her ledger, helping her found family and putting things in motion to save the god damn world ?? that to me is natasha. but i get the criticism that it’s another example of a woman getting used to further a plot and justify some white boy man pain, which for a strongly feminist character sucks, but i don’t think nat would have chosen it differently.

clint barton. i am so fucking glad he got a real arc. one of the best i think. i loved the cold-blooded ronin stuff and how it lined up with nat’s past and just their entire relationship in that film was so real and believable of two life long friends. i’ve heard people say they don’t like renner in the role for years now and i always defend him and say no he just hasn’t had the chance to really show what he can do, and i was so fucking right guys. i’m livin’ rn.

bruce banner. i personally didn’t like the whole bruce!hulk thing but, y’know, it didn’t ruin anything. it’s just not what i would have chosen if i was writing it myself, but whatever. 

loki laufeyson. his scenes were short but i loved them and y’all can bet i’m gonna do a split-timeline verse where he gets away with the tessaract bc that was just peak loki and i loved it. do i wish there had been a pay off to “the sun will shine on us again”  ?? .. yes, absolutely. i’m disappointed that it didn’t but then there’s always the loki series, so we’ll have to see.

i’d be here forever if i went through every character, but i wanted to go through the original avengers assemble main cast so that’s all above. everyone was stellar in this film. and the shot of all the mcu ladies in one frame was powerful. i’m heartbroken for pepper, morgan and peter. especially as we know that peter is going to be dealing with the aftermath in far from home, i’m just excited to explore everything from the film and beyond that. what an amazing eleven years. 

[mycasandstarrs]

SPN 8x13: “Everybody Hates Hitler”

THEN: Henry Winchester and the Men of Letters. Henry carried a key to a location that holds great knowledge. Sam and Dean are gonna go see if that place still exists.

Vitsyebsk, Belarus. 1944.

Freaking Nazis.

RIP Nazi. Killed by the Golem.

RIP A whole bunch more Nazis. Killed by the Golem.

“Tell your masters this is far from over.”

Lebanon, Kansas.

Aww, we’re at the Bunker! It’s so familiar to me, but to them this is brand new.

Welcome to your new home, boys.

"Get Thee Behind Me Satan" by Ella Fitzgerald

Dean’s dead guy robe, hahaha.

“Listen, little brother, let's not go all geek on this stuff, okay?” Too late.

Dean, you child.

“Dean, look, I think we might have something here – something that could help us, help humanity. Henry certainly thought so. I mean, you know damn well we could use a break. What if we finally got one?” Yes you did.

Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.

The ledger from the cold open.

“Gottenyu.”

“i hope they pay you good to keep that bug up your ass.”

“You Nazi Pig!” Wonderful last words, if you ask me.

RIP Isaac Bass. Burned alive.

Two Weeks Later.

They already set up a mini-fridge in the library.

Kevin’s working on the tablet, Garth says “hi”, and Cas hasn’t been answering their calls.

The Judah Initiative.

Now Sam’s got himself a sweater vest!

OHHHHH

There’s Aaron!

Nazi Necromancers.

I’m already getting giddy.

Sam’s got the wrong book. 

Special Agent Bolan. (As in Marc Bolan...)

“I'm sorry, man. I – I thought – I thought we had a thing back at the quad, you know – a little "eye magic" moment, and I saw you here and I figured I'd wait until you were done with your meeting and then maybe we might, uh...”

UGH I LOVE THAT SHOT OF DEAN SLOWLY RETRIEVING HIS FBI BADGE.

“Yeah. Uh, okay, but no – uh, no moment. This is a... federal investigation.”

“Is that supposed to make you less interesting?”

AND I LOVE THE LOOK ON DEAN’S FACE AFTER AARON SAYS THAT. My boy’s eyes just light up, oh my god.

“Okay…citizen. As you were.”

“You have a good night.”

“You – you...*bumps into table* have a – okay.”

i FUCKING LOVE THAT MOMENT

“I think we still got a case.”

“That would explain why I have something stuck to my shoe.”

“You being followed?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

Winchester code.

“That's weird. I thought I was being followed earlier. Turned out to be a gay thing.”

Sam just walked the entire time??

OH GOODNESS GRACIOUS.

Dean fucking flew, omg.

Sam would’ve cut his arm off!

“Ow, my spleen.” Poor hon.

Aaron’s Golem.

“So, wait. What you're saying is that you and me – we, uh, didn't have a moment?”

“No, man. I was tailing you.”

“Told you I was being followed. He was my gay thing. It was really good. You really had me there. It was very smooth.”

Why would you even ask that, Dean?

The Winchesters and Aaron are legacies.

“Every once in a while, crazy old Grandpa Bass would come back by on one of his trips, hand me a $20 savings bond, and say, ‘one day, you'll inherit the mantle.’ Sure enough, a few days after he died, this big box shows up at my apartment. He always said I’d know what to do. Which was crap, because when I opened that box, this big, naked, potato-faced lunatic wakes up and goes crazy!”

“I didn’t...go crazy.”

“You trashed my entertainment center! And my water bed.”

“This boy knows nothing, observes none of the mitzvahs, labors on Sabbath, dines on swine.”

I love Aaron, he’s hilarious.

The Thule Society. AKA the Nazi Necromancers.

OH MY GOD, was smashing the table necessary??

“Hey! Hey!! We're renting here! Renting.”

“Q-L-6-7-3-W-3-8?” 

“Oh, it's a call number. Library of Congress – their filing system. They use it in college libraries. Uh, Q-L-6-7-3 – that... that's sciences. Uh... birds, I'm guessing. Let's go.”

College boy Sammy would figure it out.

AH DAMN IT, THE DART. This is Sam’s third time getting hit with a dart??

GO SAM.

DAMN IT, NOT AARON TOO.

What exact kind of poison was in the darts???

I live to see a Nazi get beat up and dragged around like that.

“Long live the Thule.” Nazi Necromancer’s last words.

RIP Nazi Necromancer. Killed by the Golem.

“...Or not.” lol.

Why would they need to kill the Golem?

“Oh, my God. These guys are psychopaths.”

LMAO SAM.

Aww, Dean bought them coffee.

So Aaron actually had the damn manual book for the Golem...and then used the pages to roll joints.

“They were these thin, vellum-y pages. I mean, it was perfect for rolling.” lmao, Dean agreeing with Aaron on that.

How to kill the Nazi Necromancers: Headshot, then burn the body within 12 hours.

Another Nazi Necromancer. Fucking fantastic.

Dean calling Garth. No new info on the Thule Society.

They’re still wanting to kill the Golem?

“So, that's your plan – taking out my Golem?”

“It’s not a plan.”

“We would just feel a lot better if we knew how. That's all.”

“What makes you think you have any right to make that decision?”

Exactly.

Dean protecting Aaron!

“Clay of Adam surrender your bond unto me!”

“You woke him... but you didn't take possession of him. You write your name on the scroll, boy. That's how you... Yifalchunbee.” Aw crap.

NO, NOT AARON.

“Could we put the Nazi thing aside for the moment and just talk about this like –”

“Nazi necromancer dicks? Pass.”

The gun!

GO AARON!

RIP Nazi Necromancers. Killed by Sam and Dean.

Aaron takes charge. “It looks like I'm the Judah Initiative now.”

"Sunny Side of the Street" by Frankie Laine

“What’re you doing?”

“Ordering – I'm making a, uh, card entry for our, uh, copies from the Thule's red ledger for our collection.”

Sam’s a real Man of Letters. Henry would be proud.

I adore this episode.

[n3rdybird]

A Woolly Hat

Written for @simons-thirst-squad’s  Simon’s Advent Calendar Challenge

Prompt-Woolly Hat

SimonxReader

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It all started with a package left outside his room.  Simon had a rough day, and was ready to call it a night.  Although keeping track of the days, it was generally believed to be near the middle of December.

And if the weather was any indication, it was shaping up to be a cold winter.  Even the hot water afforded to the citizens of the Sanctuary didn’t seem to be enough to fully warm him up.  He kept his towel around his neck, using it as a makeshift scarf to keep in what little warmth the shower had given him.    

So when he saw a bag hanging from the door to his room, Simon was a little confused.  He glanced up and down the hallway, seeing if whoever had left the package was still around.  The dark hallway was empty and quiet, only the ever present hum of machines reverberated through the building.  It was after curfew after all.

Seeing no one, he grabbed the bag and entered his room. He hung his towel up and turned the gift bag over in his hands.  There was no note on the outside, so he assumed it was for him and opened the bag.  Inside was a pair of gloves.  As he examined them, he saw that they were handmade.  The knitted stitches were even and tight, but did not have the appearance of a pair made by machine.   The yarn was smooth, dark blue with brown accents.

When he tried them on, they fit well, keeping his hands warm while still allowing for movement.  Each stitch flexed easily, but stayed snug against his skin.  He pawed through the rest of the bag, but there was no note explaining the gift or who it was from.

Simon yawned, the events of the day catching up with him. Giving the gloves one more look, he removed them and set them down on his desk.  He’d worry about the mystery gift tomorrow.  The comfort of his warm bed beckoned to him, and the fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

--------------------------------------------------------

The next few days passed without incident.  Simon was thankful for the new gloves that had appeared at his door. His old pair had gotten ragged, allowing wisps of cold air to stiffen his fingers.  Now his hands stayed warm and decidedly not stiff.

While walking with Negan one morning to survey the supply trucks that had returned that morning, the aforementioned boss zeroed in on the new addition to Simon’s wardrobe.

“Pretty fancy gloves you got there, Simon,” Negan said offhand.

Simon flexed his hands.

“Yeah, pretty nice,” he said simply.

“Where’d ya get them? Looks homemade.”

Simon shrugged.

“Got left at my door.”

Negan’s eyes lit up and his mouth split into a shit eating grin.

“Oh ho, does Simon have a secret admirer?”

Simon internally groaned. Negan may be king dick in charge, but he could be like a gossipping soccer mom when he wanted.

“I don’t know about that. Probably a thank you gift from someone. The people love their Saviors,” he evaded.

Negan didn’t want to let the matter drop.  After all, needling people was one of his favorite past times. Negan liked to think he was a pretty fair guy, so even his second-in-command was not safe from this activity.

“Wonder if she’s cute? I know there is till some prime wife material running around,” he mused out loud.

When Simon only hmm’d in response, Negan shook his head.

“What’s the matter? Don’t want a little lady to come home to?  Knitting you socks? Shit, that sounds nice.  Wonder what else she could knit?” Negan trailed off as he let his mind wander.

Simon thought about Negan's words.  He had a few companions since the world fell, and never more than a night. It was all stress relief, more like mutual masturbation than anything including feelings.  In the beginning, the world was unstable, too unstable to pursue anything of merit.  Even now, with the security of Sanctuary, the idea of having something serious with someone seemed farfetched.

Simon was broken from his thoughts when Negan’s hand came down abruptly on his shoulder.

“Or… it could be a guy,” Negan said, raising his brows exaggeratedly.

Simon’s groans were audible this time, and Negan laughed at his reaction.  The mustached man cut his eyes to his leader in annoyance.

“What? No judgements here,” Negan said twirling Lucille before raising his hands in a defensive shrug.

A shout drew the pair’s attention, and Simon was thankful for the interruption. Negan gave Simon a wink.

“Enough gossiping, apparently some assholes can’t do their jobs properly. Let’s get to work.”

-----------------------------------------------------------

A few days later, another gift was left. Simon opened the bag quickly, and found a chunky knit cowl scarf folded neatly at the bottom.

This time, there was a note. He unfolded the scrap of paper, and smiled at the words written in a delicate script.

Glad the gloves fit.  Stay warm.

Simon fingered the soft yarn.  This time it was a dark grey. Instead of hanging, the ends of the scarf would button under his chin. It was as if the maker made it specifically with Simon’s job in mind. A dark color and no dangling bits for a walker to grab ahold of.

Negan once had a slight mishap when a walker grabbed his scarf from behind.  After that, Negan made sure his trademark red scarf was tucked securely into his jacket.

Simon scoured the note, looking for any clue as to who had written it. The handwriting, he guessed, could be seen as feminine.  The message itself was written on a random scrap of paper.  No hints as to the identity of the person to be found.

As he held the gift in his hand, he was surprised that a literal lightbulb didn’t appear over his head.

The Marketplace. If they were getting yarn, it would have either been a perk from scavenging or bought with points.  As far as he knew, none of the Saviors had a talent for knitting, so it had to be a worker.  Plan and gift in hand, he headed to the communal area of the factory.

Despite the early hour, there were still people picking over organic pickles, new clothes, and other sundries. Simon nodded to several workers before coming to a stop in front of Shirley.  She was in charge of deducting points for purchases and keeping the marketplace in some semblance of order.

Simon gave the octogenarian a winning smile as he leaned on her desk.

“Good morning sunshine.”

The older woman was living proof that the 80s were the new 60s.  She had survived the initial outbreak alone in her house, shot gun in hand.  When they had found her, Negan loved her no nonsense attitude when she berated them for wearing dirty boots inside her house.  And now she ruled the Marketplace with an iron fist.

“Cut the baloney Simon,” she said dryly, not looking up from her ledgers.

“You wound me,” Simon said dramatically, clutching his hand to his chest.

Shirley sighed and looked at Simon, lowering her glasses to put the full force of her glare on him unhindered.

“What do you want?”

Simon produced the gloves and cowl, setting them on top of her books.

“You sell any yarn lately? Knitting supplies?”

Shirley furrowed her brows.

“Not too many people waste their points on craft supplies,” she said examining the items.

“Though these are pretty nice. They’d be good sellers.”

She looked back up at Simon who was looking at her expectantly.

“A name?”

Shirley held out her hand expectantly, raising a brow.  Simon sighed.

“Aw, c’mon Shirl.  We can call it a Christmas gift for your favorite Savior.”

She pursed her lips and flipped through her ledger.

“You find me a bottle of wine. Nice stuff, off the books.”

“Yes ma’am,” Simon agreed quickly.

As Shirley scanned the pages, she found the entry she was looking for and wrote down the details of the purchase.

She handed Simon the information, jerking it back when he reached for it.

“A red, preferably Cabernet.  A shiraz will do if you can’t find one.  Not a pussy Merlot.”

“You got it,” he said, thinking of the wine surplus that the Saviors had squirreled away.

Shirley gave him a long look before handing over the paper.

“Be nice to her. If I hear anything untoward, I will display your balls right here on my desk.”

Simon gave her a reassuring nod, while his balls seemed to climb back up into his body at her words.

“Now scat so I can get back to work.”

------------------------------------------------------

You sat in one of the greenhouses, knitting needles clacking between your fingers.  The woolly hat you were working on was coming together quickly.  Sure, a loom would be faster, but in your opinion, not as well made.

You had spent the last bit of your surplus points on the new yarn. It was thicker and a higher quality than your previous finds. It was perfect for a toboggan for a certain Savior.  

Elsie, one of the other women working in the gardens had tried to convince you to just give Simon the gifts, rather than leave them for him to find.  But you couldn’t.  You fucked up your first and only meaningful interaction with the mustached Savior, and still felt embarrassed months later.

A shadow fell over you, and you nearly jumped to your feet.  You scrambled to gather your things.

“Sorry Marv, I didn’t realize my break was over,” you said hastily, keeping your eyes down to not draw the ire of your boss.

A hand, slimmer than Marv’s, reached down to pluck the half finished hat out of your hand.

“This gonna be for me too?” a familiar voice asked.

You looked up to see Simon studying the hat’s stitches, careful to not let your hard work unravel.

“What?” you squeaked, not mentally nor physically prepared to see the object of your affection standing next to you, let alone talking to you.

“Your name is (Y/N), right?  Work in the green houses. I asked around,” he said, still looking at the hat.

You chewed your lip, running through all the possible scenarios that could take place.  All seemed to point to disaster.

Simon picked up on your unease and knelt next to you.

“Didn’t mean to scare ya.  Just wanted to say thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” you said softly, keeping your eyes to the ground, hoping your hair camouflaged your red face.

A warm hand cupped your chin and brought your eyes up to meet his.

“So what reason does a pretty gal like you have for giving an old man like me gifts?” he asked, giving you a smile.

“I wanted to say… thank you. You probably don’t remember, but you offered me gelato on my first day here,” you explained hesitantly, not wanting to revisit your embarrassing first meeting with him.

Simon’s eyes widened when he remembered the event.

“You ran away from me.  Negan busted my balls for days after that.  Said my mustache scared you off,” he said, laughing at the memory.

His laugh was infectious, and you couldn’t help but giggle softly.

“It wasn’t your mustache. I like it.  You just took me off guard. I didn’t expect to draw the attention of the right hand man of Negan,” you explained through your laughter.

“You say that, but you are still laughing. I’m not sure if I believe you,” Simon said, mock pouting.

“I do, I do,” you promised.

Simon looked at you unconvinced.

“Prove it.  Meet me for gelato, tonight after dinner.  For real this time, no running.”

You felt your face heat up, but found yourself nodding at his request.

“Wouldn’t miss it,” you said.

Simon smiled, and stood up, offering a hand to help you up.  It was then you noticed he was wearing your gloves, and the cowl you had made him.

You took his hand, and he helped you up easily.  After standing, he kept a hold of your hand, giving it a soft squeeze.

“See you tonight,” he said, bringing your cold fingers up to his mouth to place a kiss on the tips.

You nodded, liking the way his mustache brushed against your skin.

“Tonight.”

[thelarryficrecplace]

Monday Fic Rec

Hello! So Monday came a bit too early (28 mins to be exact) As promised, here’s a new Monday Fic Rec:

Something to Prove by trysomecats:

Summary: Louis is the first and only omega to work at Red Valley Medical Center. Despite being more than qualified, he still faces prejudice for his career choice everyday. From patients refusing his treatment to condescending alpha doctors intervening with his work, practicing medicine in Boston is more challenging than Louis had ever thought it would be.

Word count: 9,389

i try my best to unwind (nothing on my mind but you) by resurrectdead:

Summary: In a haze of deodorant and hairspray, he thinks he pulled himself together fairly alright given the circumstances. So what he got some like, what, a week’s growth worth of scruff maybe, clutching his paper cup of tube-tea like it’s his lifeboat, but. He thinks it’s a good enough excuse for being 10 minutes late. 

He checks his phone. 

15 minutes. He’s going to be 15 minutes late to his first yoga class with some dickhead named Harry Styles.

or: louis is forced to join harry’s yoga class. the class is terrible but harry isn’t.

Word count: 15,966

i want you so much (but i hate your guts) by becauselarry:

Summary: AU in which Louis gets accepted to play for the Manchester University Alpha-Beta Football Team. The only problem: Louis is actually an Omega. He is determined to make it big in the football world, though, and he can’t do that bound to an Omega team. With the help of a faked doctor’s certificate and some pretty strong suppressants he is ready to fight for his dream.

That Harry Styles (Alpha, second year and youngest football captain of the A-B team in ages) doesn’t seem to like him complicates matters, though.

Word count: 83,648

Of Fake Love And Heartbreak by luminescence2:

Summary: Those eyes held promises that he couldn’t keep, held emotions he couldn’t feel, held a love he couldn’t express. (Or the one where Louis signs a contract to become famous and unknowingly signs his love away and loses Harry in the process, and he enlists the help of his lawyer to try and find a loophole in the contract)

Word count: 16,724

You Love Me, If You Love Me, Don’t Let Go by writerinacloud:

Summary: His name is up there. He’s the only Harry in this group. His eyes land on Louis, who swallows thickly. He gives Harry a small smile, brows raised a little. Harry is not dancing a solo. He’s dancing with the boy, who he never remembers. How the hell can he ever get anyone’s attention, when he doesn’t have any connection with this guy. Or the one where Harry and Louis are students at The Juilliard School of Performing Arts and are dancing in the same group. Harry never notices Louis, the boy who is a year younger than him, mostly sticks to himself and practices hard (or that’s what Harry thinks). Louis on the other hand always sees the confident and focused Harry. Now they’re paired for a duo performance and they have to make it work, even though Louis’ eyes are towards London and Harry’s are towards a career after graduation, which he thinks he can only get with a solo performance.

Word count: 98,818

Hey I Heard You Were A Wild One (If I Took You Home It’d Be A Homerun) by Only_angel_28:

Summary: “Are you out?” Louis huffs a long suffering sigh as he studies Harry from the other side of the bar, the neon from the beer signs making his eyes glow an unnatural shade of blue, and causing Harry to question - not for the first time tonight - if he is real or just some fever dream-esque fantasy conjured up by Harry’s alcohol addled brain.

“You’re fucking kidding me right?” Harry laughs incredulously.

Louis is resolute in his posture as he continues to observe Harry, the slight arch of a brow his only acknowledgement of Harry’s question. That’s fine, Harry decides, it was mostly rhetorical anyway.

“A gay cowboy who rides for a living, can you imagine all the Brokeback Mountain jokes I’d have to endure on a daily basis? I don’t really fancy being compared to Jake Gyllenhaal.”

A hint of a smirk tugs at the corners of Louis’ pursed lips. “Now you’re the one who must be joking, because you are so clearly Heath Ledger in that scenario.”

Word count: 12,078

knives don’t have your back by turnyourankle:

Summary: The lone survivor of an on campus massacre that claimed the lives of his four housemates, Harry is urged to take a sabbatical or transfer. Instead, he chooses to stay in school, move into the dorms, and overcome his fears.

He finds comfort in a budding friendship with Louis, an upperclassman who lives on his floor, not realizing that their relationship will bring him closer to his traumatizing past rather than further from it.

Word count: 51,348

Maybe, One Day by dimpled_halo:

Summary: This time it was Louis who walked out. And he didn’t just walk out of the room. He walked out of the flat. Grabbed his keys and wallet, mumbled something about needing to get out of here, and just left.

Harry fell into a sobbing heap in the middle of their living room. All the anger and hurt he’d been holding in spilling out of him like a dam that finally gave in and broke.

It’s going to be okay. He’ll be back. He always comes back. Right?

Harry and Louis have a fight. Harry spends 24 hours alone, battling the inevitable panic over what his life would be without his husband.

Word count: 3,063

kiwi by fondleeds:

Summary: With a stuttered mixture of a laugh and a groan, Harry lets his head droop, pushes his forehead against Louis’ chest and leans into him, fingers curled around the railing.

"You’re driving me crazy,” he breathes.

Louis lets out a puff of laughter, and when Harry lifts his eyes, the look in Louis’ gaze is one he knows too well, so distinctively coy and mischievous and gently charming, his lips quirked up with a smirk. Harry’s heart falls into the palms of his playful hands. “You’re into it.”

AU. Harry plays on Saturday nights at The Motley. Louis bartends on Saturday nights at The Motley.

It’s a thing.

Word count: 24,110

a barista and a businessman by stylinsondrabbles:

Summary: Harry is a barista at Starbucks in the business district, and one day a pompous asshole named Louis walks in on his phone and just continuously pisses Harry off.

Louis calls Harry "Curly” and thinks he’s a very important businessman, but Harry thinks he’s just a dick who doesn’t know how to hang up his phone.

Thinking he’s clever, Harry purposefully misspells Louis’ name every time he comes in. Louis is not okay with that.

Word count: 21,700

[digressfromreality]

The Day The Tables Turned

Synopsis: This was PERSONAL. That much was obvious. What does one clown do when a mobster doesn’t learn his place in Gotham’s new criminal hierarchy? Of course, kidnap their life blood, the one that literally means more than the filthy air they breathe. First he isolates her, second manipulates her, third the mutual companionship was completely unexpected. Revenge at its finest.

Original Inspiration: Heath Ledger’s Joker     Part 6 of 6

Warning: SMUT, DEATH, my terrible grammar lol

THE END

“I don’t want to do this.” Rose whispered. He didn’t appreciate her answer, no, no after all the trouble he went through to give this to her. She had to follow through.

“I.” Slam. “Don’t.” Slam. “Care.” Slam. He wouldn’t let her have her hands to calm her now pounding headache.

“But Joker, please?” He licked his lips, grinning down at her trembling ones. She could always get him going. He wondered if maybe they would have enough time to make her lower lips match. The very thought made him acutely reminiscent of their first, intimate encounter.

“As much as hearing you beg usually persuades me-ah,” he pinched the side of her face, “we gotta keep our appointments today. I’m a man of my word.” His three-day threat was almost over. He focused his attention back towards the streets. He had patiently listened to the chatter; his biggest appointment today was awaiting him old candy factory. Oh, the delight, a sweet for his sweet. Rose was going to answer the looming question today, was she going to give in? Was she…

“Holy shit! Watch out for that!” The delivery vehicle took a harsh veer to the left, nearly missing a mailbox and a few pedestrians. The Joker let out an exciting laugh. She had reached into his pants, in hopes of distracting him, not trying to nearly kill them in the process! Her pounding head was long forgotten in the now present thumping of her heart. They had almost crashed an account of her.

“Oh doll, your frantic screams are hard to pass up!” He swung a sharp right, driving them into a secluded parking structure. Her chest smacked the dash with a thud, when he slammed on the brakes. “Now, we’ll have to make this quick.” He pointed to his bare wrist, as if he had a watch that she couldn’t see there.

“Come ‘ere.” She slid closer to him in the seat, ready to grasp him once more, now that they had parked. He slapped her hands away. She looked at him confused, as he began to empty his coat pockets. Lint, lint, knife, paper, knife, an ear, Rose grimaced watching, knife, knife, gun, stray bullets, and a walkie talkie.

“I don’t understand, don’t you want me to,” she cleared her throat, “take care of you?” Her cheeks flushed red as he smiled bigger than she had seen before. His lopsided scars stretched across his face. He rolled up his sleeves, yanking her lower half forward. Her shoulders hit the bench seat hard as he hooked her legs up on his shoulders. His fingers made quick work of pushing her dress up, she was already worked up for his lesson.

“Today is about you!” He bit her inner thigh hard, dragging his teeth slightly. Her muscles clenched because of the pain, but he knew ultimately, she would enjoy it. She seemed to always see it his way, eventually. Obedient to a tee, but wearily, enough to keep him wanting, no needing more. Just as she did.

“Can’t I show my number one girl a good time?” She bit her lip, trying to think. He didn’t wait for a reply, he needed a response! An urgent one! He plunged forward slamming his lips on her well-groomed ones.

He began to viciously tongue fuck her. Slurping, nibbling, sucking, and generally licking, her beautiful screams practically lit the air around them. His dick throb at the delicious sounds. It only seemed he was going for probably about a minute, but that’s all he needed apparently. She came, and came hard, he tried to lap up her fluids as they squirted against his mouth. Rose was panting, she hadn’t thought he could make her orgasm in minimal time, but again she was proven wrong.

She shivered feeling him lick the remainder of her cum off her. He smeared his paint up and down the sides of her thighs, unknowingly to her, but strategically for him. Another reason for papa Maroni to go on a tangent about this clown, tasting his daughter. Joker smiled, seeing her writhing form.

“Maybe we have a few minutes, to-ah return the favor.” He lifted an eyebrow and gave a cocky smile.

———————————————-

“He’s upstairs Boss.” Joker slapped his hands together in excitement.

“Oh goody!” He snatched Rose’s hand, pulling her nervous body towards the stairs. “Move, move. Move it!” Clowns were trying to move out of the way quickly, some weren’t as lucky, Joker pushed several over the stair’s banister. Some with just his elbow, others with the end of his knife. The thugs cleared the doorway as Joker threw Rose into the dim room at the top of the stairs.

Different types of sweets permeated the air, expensive chocolates, delectable toffees, and blood? Rose looked towards the ground seeing blood stains across the floor. She tried to avoid looking at the drag marks to adjacent corners of the room. Whoever lost was probably in pieces.

“Hello?” She watched as four clowns were pounding on someone. The man was trying to put up a fight, but there was only so much that could be done in their position.

“Rose?” A familiar voice snapped her out of her daze, she feverishly threw the attackers away from him.

“Get off him you animals!” She shrieked, her father was bloody and disheveled. She was sick to her stomach. She held her father’s face in the palms of her hands as he began to slide down the wall. She knelt with him. She could hear Joker whistle at the others, making them leave the room.

“Are you okay? Can you breathe?” She started to wipe some of the blood from his sweat slicked hair. He pushed her back slightly, his arm weak from the beating. His forces were dropped all around him, he hadn’t a chance to flee.

The last three days had been hell for him, trying to evade angry citizens, keep his distance from corrupt police and disloyal servants. He was going to die, to be throw in the heaps of bodies lying beside him. Oh, had he wished death would have come sooner, he didn’t want her to see him like this. He glanced at his daughter’s legs, snarling in disgust. He narrowed his eyes at the clown behind her, taking in the scene before him in sick pleasure. He split out some blood before speaking.

“You sick…freak. How dare you!” Joker cackled, his personal touch to Rose had gained the attention he wanted.

“Me?” He shook his head, trying to contain his excitement with fake woe. “I didn’t initiate any of that. I practically had to fight her off as it was.”

“What are you babbling about?” Rose felt as if she had missed something important. Her father’s eyes blazed into the Joker’s. Her father pushed her back again, her legs let go from her crouched position.

“You smell like sex, grease paint and him!” She looked down to see, dried cum and grease paint up and down her legs. She just wanted to cry, she was a whore. Getting fucked in an abandoned area while her father was gambling for his life. “You did this to her! You ruined her! You destroyed her innocence!” Joker cackled again moving to Rose’s side. He patted her on the cheek.

“Far from innocent. Your little girl here, she taught me a few tricks that I didn’t even know.” He had been theatrically gesturing crudely, “There’s few that can one up my experience, but there she is taking as much….” Rose shoved the Joker back enraged herself. She stood up glaring at Joker herself.

“You asshole! What the hell is the point of this?” Joker grinned, she just wanted to slap it right off his face.

“I’m here to snuff the light right out. I want to watch you truly lose yourself to the madness. So, what’s it going to be? Kill or be killed!” Rose stared at her father, she couldn’t lose him. Everything she had, her smile, her devotion, her mother’s legacy, her everything would be gone.

“I’ve killed plenty before. Why do I have to do this?” Joker knew she was trying to stall the inevitable.

“Because it’s the ultimate test, prove sanity or… Insanity.” He released a maniac laugh. She looked at the Joker and looked back at her father. She loosened her grip on the gun, Joker pushed it firmly back into her hand. “Loopholes aren’t at play here. To win the prize, you must play the game.”

“I can’t.” She cried out, she didn’t want to choose between the two and it sickened her.

“Trouble baby,” she swooned at her childhood nickname, she turned her attention back to her father who was backed into a corner. A little bruised, a little broken, mostly unsure. “Who is the woman that you want to be?” Joker clapped his hands in excitement, a menacing grin spread across his face.

“Yes, trouble what kind of chaos do you want to create? Show us the woman you want to be?” Joker picked up her hands cocked the gun towards his temple. He guided her fingers to the trigger. “Let’s create some chaos-sah.” His dark eyes dared her, they made her itch to squeeze the hard trigger. Her body ached, constantly reminding her of the hell he had put her through. The cutting of words, of skin, of everything that was good in her life.

She snapped her head to the right, as if to push the thoughts away. He had freed her, liberated her from the lies that she was buried beneath. He made her understand the passion she had been looking for, had always been dreaming for. She was never destined to live in the shadows, she was never destined to live the simple content life of a nobody. She was somebody, she was Salvatore Maroni’s only heir.

“I won’t.” Joker lowered the gun, grinning widely as he patted her on the shoulder. He always had good odds at this game.

“You made the right choice doll. Now we finish the job.” He pulled the pistol from her grasp and towards to the unarmed mobster.

“Wait.” The Joker paused, “let me do it.”

“Ha ha ha. This is too rich.” He pushed the warm metal back into her hand. “One shot doll. Don’t miss.” He licked his lips in anticipation.

“Rosalyn Christine.” She stepped closer to her father, “Rose.”

“Mr. Maroni,” she shook her head, “father.”

“You don’t want to do this.” He raised his hands reassuring her he was unarmed. Her eyes began to blur with tears she wiped her eyes on her shaking arm.

“You’re right I don’t,” she softly caressed the side of his face, “but I have to, it’s the only way.” He noticed the gleam in her eye, he had the same look when his mind was turning. She was trying to think on her feet.

“What you are playing at Rose?” She backed a bit away.

“Yes, Rose-ah. What are you doing?”

“I’m going to finally win.” She cocked the gun pressing it to her temple. She turned staring at the third figure that had largely went unnoticed the last thirty seconds, the Batman.

“Don’t you dare, this is not how the game played.” Her finger ghosting over the trigger. Joker roared, “ROSE!” Bruce was torn, would he take his opportunity to take down this psycho, or stop a corruptible girl from meeting her end. He would be too slow to make his decision.

“But for once, I’m going to play by my rules.” She turned facing the men, Joker was quickly advancing towards her, Batman aiming his grappling gun at him, while her father was staring at her in disbelief. Without clarifying who, she whispered, “I love you.” And she pulled the trigger.

[just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms]

10 Things I Love About You

Title: 10 Things I Love About You

Paring: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 924

Warning: Some fluffy colorful smut

A/N: This is for my love @mizzamericnpie

  Walking into your room at the bunker your head tilted when you found a mechanic’s style jumpsuit on your bed. There was a small note tucked into the front pocket.

              Put this on and meet me in the woods, there will be ribbons tied on the trees to lead you to the spot. Can’t wait to see you. –Dean

Shrugging into the jumpsuit you headed out to the woods behind the bunker. Bright red ribbons lead you a little way to a clearing. A satchel style bag was in the center.

              Put on the goggles and run!

As soon as the goggles were on a huge splat accompanied the hit between your shoulder blades. Whirling around you saw Dean laughing hysterically. “I told you to run!”

Grabbing a paint filled water balloon out of your bag you hurled it at his stomach, smiling in satisfaction at the loud grunt he let out. “Looks like you better run Winchester!”

For a half hour the two of you were running, jumping, dodging, and pelting each other with paint balloons. Dean finally ran out and you were able to launch yourself onto his back, smashing one on his head as you both tumbled to the ground. The two of you laid there a laughing heap as you slowly untangled yourselves.

Finally standing up you couldn’t help but laugh at how covered in paint you both were. “Ugh this is going to take forever to wash out!”

“Looks like we’re in for a long shower then,” Dean wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you in tight before lifting you bridal style. Your lips found his and he did his best to walk and kiss at the same time.

 The second you were undressed Dean was lifting you into his arms and pinning you to the wall of the shower. The hot water washed over you as the heat of Dean’s lips made you tingle. Sucking and biting at your neck you slid a hand between you, grazing your thumb over his tip as it pressed into your stomach.

Dean’s long arms reached down grabbing your ass and smacking it hard, you could feel his smile into your skin at how loud it echoed. Fingers brushed over your center as the water followed the curves of your body.

As the paint started to run down your faces Dean slowly let you down, stepping back to grab the shampoo for you. Fucking into his hand he watched as the soap moved down your body, following each curve perfectly. The colors ran down your body as the soap worked the paint out. Dean grabbed the body soap, lathering up his hands as you turned your back to him.

Strong soapy hands reached around from behind as his cock pressed into your back. Slowly but deliberately they massaged your breasts, kneading and caressing, the soap making them glide against your skin. Dean nudged his hips into you, guiding you back to the wall, the cold tile hardening your nipples as you pressed up against it.

Dean’s hands slid down your body, one sliding between your legs to bring your leg up as the other dragged between your folds. His teeth found your neck as his fingers pushed into you making you gasp.

“Baby girl you better not hold out on me now. I gotta hear just how loud these walls can make you.”

Slamming his thick fingers into your pussy your hips rocked with his motions. Your head fell back onto his shoulder as he pinned you against the wall, holding you there as he dragged his fingers against your walls. His lips never left your skin as your tits slid against the cold soaked tile.

“Shit…yes…yes…fuuuck…oh my god yes…yes…”

Driving in hard Dean held his fingers knuckle deep inside you, dragging them perfectly over your sweet spot again and again. Trying to buck your hips as your core tightened as you felt Dean fuck into your back, grunting as he tried to stay in control.

Just as you started to clamp down Dean was letting down your leg and pulling your hips back. Bracing yourself on the wall you looked over your shoulder. The sight of him getting drenched by the shower, dick thick and hard for you nearly made you draw blood you bit your lip so hard.

“Give it to me….now…”

Barely letting himself line up well Dean was pushing into you, stretching you as your head fell back and your back arched. “Shit!” Moving your hips, you started to bounce just how Dean liked it. His throaty groan told you he was pleased and his hard smack to your ass confirmed it.

Dean loved watching you fuck yourself on his dick, he loved that low groan that almost turned into a whine as you brought yourself closer to your climax. Grabbing your hips Dean decided to take over and rail the ever living fuck out of you.

“Oh shit shit shit!! Oh my goooodddd yes! Yes…yes…fuck just like that!”

“You want it baby?”

“Yes, fuck I want you to come inside me.” Dean’s thrusts went erratic as he watched your back arch with your release. Hitting his own he slowed down, lazily bringing each of you down. Slowly standing up you started to laugh at the paint splattered walls and floor of the shower.

“Shit we gotta clean this up so it doesn’t stain.” Dean nodded, resting his hands on his hips, clearly proud of his work.

“I knew that Heath Ledger movie would be worth it.”

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Shit I Hate #1: Killing Villains

I love movies. I love superhero movies in particular. These statements should be no surprise to anyone. But like everything I love, these things have a lot of elements that just grind my gears, so I’m making an infrequent series for me to detail my issues in depth. And what better issue to start with than one of my biggest pet peeves with the superhero genre: killing the villain.

Now, comic books have always had wonderful rogues galleries full of insane and creative foes for the heroes to fight; sure, Spider-Man is interesting on his own, but he’s even better when you set him up against someone like Green Goblin, Mysterio, Venom, or Kraven the Hunter. Heroes are only as cool as the villains they fight, basically. And comic book movies have always done a great job of bringing villains to the screen, be they obscure or beloved… the problem is, by film’s end, these villains are typically dead.

Now, this pisses me off for a great many reasons, the chief among them that killing off the rogues gallery tends to spit in the face of the comics; sure, people like Norman Osborn have died before, so him dying is perfectly fine, but when you kill characters like Doctor Octopus, Ronan the Accuser, and the fucking Joker of all people, there’s a big problem. This almost always leads to cases where villains who could have been interesting recurring foes get totally shafted as a best-case scenario (which is the case with characters like Ronan, Joker, Penguin in Batman Returns, Ultron, and so on), or worst case a villain who was boring or poorly developed is not allowed to improve since they are now dad, with Malekith being the worst offender in this regard.

Now, to show you how widespread this issue is, I’m going back to the big kickstarter of this trend, Tim Burton’s Batman, and showing all the major superhero films that did this between then and today. Obviously I’m only going to focus on films that kill a major rogue of one of the main hero.

Batman: Jack Nicholson’s Joker is killed off

Dick Tracy: Almost every antagonistic force in the film is dead by the end.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder dies at the end. I believe this keeps in line with the original comics, but at this point in the franchise Shredder was an established archenemy; it’s a very weird case.

Batman Returns: Penguin and Catwoman are both dead at film’s end, though Catwoman is ambiguous… though she may as well have been dead for all the later appearances she made.

Mask of the Phantasm: One of the few animated films that sort of fall into this, Joker’s fate is rather ambiguous. While he still shows up in the series, this movie almost seems like it’s in its own canon. Again, very weird case.

Batman Forever: Two-Face falls to his death, though Riddler lives; he’s totally insane at this point but it’s still something.

Batman & Robin: As more evidence that this isn’t a terrible movie, none of the major villains die; Ivy and Freeze are both alive and locked up by film’s end, as Batman would do in the comics. Hell, Clooney’s Batman is the only Batman that has not in any way been responsible for the death of one of his foes in some way.

Return of the Joker: Batman’s biggest foe comes back only to be completely erased forever. He dies twice over the course of this film.

X-Men: Magneto is one of the biggest names to avoid this, as he has consistently survived every movie he’s in. Toad and Sabretooth are not quite so lucky here.

Spider-Man: Green Goblin dies, though at least this is in line with the comics and he does impact the whole trilogy. Still counts though, as he was a major antagonist for a long while before his first ‘death.’

Daredevil: This one actually has both Kingpin and Bullseye live; in fact, it is one of the heroes, Elektra, who dies.

X2: X-Men United: Stryker does die in this, as does Lady Deathstrike.

Hellboy: Rasputin dies.

The Punisher: I really shouldn’t have to even list this, because with a guy like Punisher, no villain is coming out alive. This goes for War Zone later on down the line.

Spider-Man 2: Doc Ock is dead by film’s end. At least he didn’t posses Peter’s body.

Batman Begins: While Scarecrow is a notable aversion as he cameos in the following two films, the one DC villain best known for being immortal, Ra’s al-Ghul, dies at the end.

Superman Returns: Proving yet again that this film, while flawed, has the heart and spirit of

Superman right, Lex does not die in this film.

Fantastic Four: Doctor Doom doesn’t die, surprisingly.

X-Men: The Last Stand: Phoenix gets snikt’d by the end. Magneto, however, gets away.

Spider-Man 3: 2 out of 3 villains die, with only Sandman surviving; Venom and Harry Osborn are both dead at film’s end.

Ghost Rider: Blackheart dies, and I’m pretty sure a powerful demon like that doesn’t just die in the comics.

The Dark Knight: In a depressing twist, Joker lives, but Heath Ledger did not. Two-Face plays this straight yet again, dying with very little time to shine.

Iron Man: Interestingly, Iron Monger was originally going to be hinted to have lived. Perhaps he did, but right now everything points to dead.

The Incredible Hulk: Depressingly, every villain lives, but due to issues with distribution rights for Hulk, none of their plotlines have been followed up, meaning Abomination and Leader are in cinematic limbo.

The Spirit: The Octopus dies, which is the least of this film’s problems.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Deadpool dies, which is bad enough.

Iron Man 2: Whiplash is dead, but Justin Hammer is in jail. Yay. The lame villain lives.

Captain America: The First Avenger: Red Skull is maybe dead… though it’s not only ambiguous, but highly probable he’s still out there. For now, he’s presumed dead.

Thor: Loki is another notable aversion; he still hasn’t died after appearing in three major films.

X-Men: First Class: Not only does Sebastian Shaw die, but every single villain dies offscreen between this film and the next, which includes Emma Frost and Azazel.

The Amazing Spider-Man: The only thing this movie does right is letting the villain live.

The Avengers: Loki lives, as stated above.

The Dark Knight Rises: Bane and Talia are both dead by the end of the movie.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance: Blackout dies.

Iron Man 3: The Fake Mandarin dies.

Man of Steel: As is well known by now, Superman snaps Zod’s neck, and Zod’s pals don’t fare any better.

Thor: The Dark World: Malekith dies, wasting any potential he may have had.

The Wolverine: Viper and the Silver Samurai both die.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2: In this not-so-amazing sequel, Electro maybe dies. Goblin and Rhino live, however.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier: Arnim Zola may or may not be gone for good; it’s pretty likely he’s still out there, but again, gotta presume him dead. Pierce is definitely dead.

Guardians of the Galaxy: Ronan the Accuser dies.

X-Men: Days of Future Past: Trask doesn’t die, yet another reason this movie is amazing.

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket dies at the end.

Shitastic Fuck: In this turd, Gimp Doom dies.

Avengers: Age of Ultron: Ultron is killed in an ambiguous fashion. Klaw, however, is ok, if down by a hand. Strucker on the other hand… dead. And so is Quicksilver.

Deadpool: Ajax is dead.

Doctor Strange: Kaecilius is probably dead.

Batman v Superman: Luthor is sadly not dead, but Doomsday and KGBeast a re.

Suicide Squad: Enchantress gets killed in the end.

Captain America: Civil War: Zemo is thankfully alive at the end.

X-Men: Apocalypse: Apocalypse is blown apart in the end.

A LOT of these villains are dead, or if not, they never amount to anything ever again. It pisses me off that studios refuse to continuously utilize beloved foes, especially when it ends up going against a heroes code by letting the villain die or killing them themselves. It’s a trend I really hope dies off soon (ha ha).

[usuallyrics-blog]

Ignorant Shit

New Lyrics has been published on usuallyrics.com https://usuallyrics.com/lyrics/ignorant-shit/

Ignorant Shit

(feat. Lil Wayne)

[Talking:] Yeah, I appreciate ya patience tonight It’s been a moment since I’ve done some public speaking I find nowadays it’s just best to keep quiet But, uh, sometimes you just gotta let it out Young angel and young lion You know what it is, uh

[Drake:] Look, I’m the property of October I ain’t drive here I got chauffeured Bring me champagne flutes, Rose and some shots over I think better when I’m not sober I smoke good ain’t no glaucoma I’m a stockholder, Private flights back home no stop over Still spittin that shit that they shot pac over The shit my mother look shocked over Yeah, but with a canvas I’m a group of seven A migraine, take two Excedrin I’m the one twice over I’m the new eleven And if I die I’m a do it reppin, I never do a second I swear niggas be eyeing me all hard And lying to they girls and driving the same cars Sittin there wishing they problems became ours Cause we have nothing in common Since I done became star I done became bigger swerving right in my peer’s lane Same dudes that used to holla my engineer’s name One touch I could make the drapes and the sheers change An show me the city that I without fear claim What I set seems to never extinguish Coolest kid out baby word to Chuck English Count my own money see the paper cut fingers My song is ya girlfriend’s waking up ringer Heh, or alarm, or whatever She be here at six in the morn if I let her But I never get attracted to fans Cause the eager beaver could be the collapse of a dam I always knew that I could figga How to get these label heads to offer ’em good figures And me doing them shows gettin everyone nervous cause Them hipsters gonna have to get alone with them hood niggas It’s all good I’m going off like lights when the show’s over Make pasta rent a movie called hoes over Rest in peace to heath ledger but I’m no joker I’ll slow roast ya, got no holster Wet glass on ya table nigga no coaster Burn bread everyday boy no toaster G and tez got a cig but I’m no smoker They just handing chips to me nigga no poker I’m with it, young money, cash money soldier My cup runneth over, The same niggas I ball with, I fall with On some southern drawl shit Rookie of the year, ’06 Chris Paul shit D.r., c.j, an po’ I see y’all These cases don’t workout I hope we can agree on Making enough to pay any judge Judy off First thing I’m a do is free weezy, go

[Lil Wayne:] And I take probation I don’t want that t.I. and Vick vacation Private plane, big location Going to the bank to make a big donation Yeah, I don’t stunt, I stunt hard And if the food ain’t on the stove I hunt for it But in the meantime you can call me young Roy Jones junior fighting the drugs and gun charge Shit, don’t leave me un-guarded And I’m a cheese head word to Vince Lombardi Word to marky mark leave a snitch departed All that blood like the red sea parted My gun go crazy like it’s retarded Red light on it like it’s recording I ain’t recording I’m just C-4’in My currency foreign We are in a league they aren’t Better dig in ya pocket an pay homage Better cover ya eyes ya face falling Watch the game from the side I’m play calling No I didn’t say that I’m flawless But I, damn sure don’t tarnish My pistol got comments for ya garments I’m so high I can vomit on a comet K-y no homo I’m on it Weezy f baby new born bitch You know what they say bout when ya palm itch I’m gonna get money money I’m gonna get Young money in ya tummy and we gonna shit An get that toilet paper quick like when bone spit That’s right bitch I’m back on my grown shit That oughta Marvin Gaye no ice just chrome shit And ya boyfriend softer than a foam pit I scream fuck the world with a long dick Motherfucker I’m me, yeah bitch I’m me You niggas sweet like the pussy in which I eat Fireman burn down ya entire street So fly I’m a take off when I leap, bye And you can suck my wings Stand on my money headbutt yao Ming Put your hand in the oven if ya touch my things I’m shuffling the cards bout to cut my queens But I ain’t the dealer House full of bitches like tila tequila Yeah, I’m the man in the mirror My swagger just screaming motherfucker do you hear her

Drizzy drake what the lick read We make magic boy Roy and Sigfried Who! young mullah baby, yeah

Who is Drake

Aubrey Drake Graham – Canadian actor and musician. Degrassi: Jimmy Brooks from the next generation. As a rapper, Drake uses his stage name.

[samanthasroberts]

The 5 Best Halloween Episodes You Should Watch Tonight

Happy Halloween, everyone! How you choose to celebrate this most blessed of holidays is up to you. Some of you will drink pumpkin beer until you poop jack o’ lanterns, some of you will take your children trick-or-treating, and some of you will sit on the couch and absorb horror films. But if I can make a suggestion for that last group: In between your annual viewings of Halloween 4: The One Where Michael Myers’ Mask Looks Like Total Dogshit and Texas Chainsaw Massacre III: Not That Bad, Actually, consider watching some Halloween-themed TV episodes. Because while movies are great for frights, there are a few TV shows that actually capture the spirit of Halloween. For example …

5

The Office: “Employee Transfer”

The year is 2008. The place is every theater in the known world. The movie is The Dark Knight. And the thought that’s going through four billion heads simultaneously is “I know what I’m going to be for Halloween this year.”

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On October 31, 2008, you couldn’t throw a Batarang without hitting someone dressed in a Heath Ledger Joker outfit. The simple act of going outside was an invitation for swarms of people in purple sweatpants to come up and ask you if you wanted to see a magic trick. Drama kids draped themselves in long wool coats and ventured into the cool autumn night, looking for prey to listen to their story about how they got their scars. Former frat bros lathered on white facepaint and sipped vodka red bulls as they mumbled through half-remembered things about “chaos” and “killing the Batman.” And the one guy dressed as Beetlejuice spent the whole evening correcting people.

It was like magic. Somewhere in Heath Ledger’s wonderful performance, the worst people you knew heard a dog whistle. A dog whistle which screeched “Annoy the fuck out of everyone you know and love.” The Office understood that this was going to happen, and that’s why “Employee Transfer” is so great.

Airing on October 30th, it was like a warning to the general public: Beware, for tomorrow your neighbors will turn on you, your children will betray you, and your roommates will spend six hours attempting to apply cheek prosthetics before giving up and just using a pound of lipstick. Any show that can accurately capture the frustration of existing in the same universe as the mob of Jokers before that day of frustration actually occurs is worth your attention.

“Employee Transfer” features some of Steve Carell’s best acting in the whole series, but it’s also a great parody of the time the Earth cancelled Halloween and replaced it with Jokerfest 2008. I’ll never forgive Christopher Nolan. Never.

4

The Spectacular Spider-Man: “The Uncertainty Principle”

It’s hard for superhero shows to do a good Halloween episode, and I think it’s because superheroes wear masks all the time, and a lot of the comedy from any Halloween episode comes from what the characters decide to dress up as. It’s really hard to properly dress up as anything when your main wardrobe is one bright color with a huge symbol on your chest. That’s why most superhero Halloween specials are just plain adventure stories. In The Batman episode “Grundy’s Night,” Clayface pretends to be unkillable zombie Solomon Grundy to better rob intolerable old rich people. It’s great. You should check it out.

Unsurprisingly, The Spectacular Spider-Man, the best superhero cartoon of all time, broke the mold a little bit and gave us a Halloween episode that’s a little more think-y. However, all this metaphorin’ doesn’t prevent the episode from having a fight between Green Goblin and Spider-Man which takes up the entire third act. That was probably the greatest strength of the show: being able to balance teen drama and deep reflection with radioactive boxing matches that usually lasted about seven glorious minutes.

While most interpretations of the Green Goblin never get past the whole “Curse you, Spider-Maaaaaan” section of their shtick, this Green Goblin is a playful, sadistic dick. He’s constantly asking Spider-Man to consider what “mask” is real — the mask that hides your face or the mask that is your face. This doesn’t just play into the mystery of who the Green Goblin is, but also deals with something that’s lacking in a lot of superhero shows that are made for kids: At what point does your human identity become the facade? The Green Goblin and Peter Parker aren’t opposites; they’re both freaks who only find respite and fulfillment when they wear their masks. Peter Parker is a bespectacled shell of a nerd. It’s only when he’s Spider-Man, quipping and punching with psychopathic consistency, that his actual mask gets taken off.

Anyway, Green Goblin (Norman Osborn) fakes a leg injury and then retreats back to his home. There, he finds his son passed out, breaks his own son’s fucking leg, and puts the Goblin costume on him. Then, when Spider-Man gets there, Norman is all like “We gotta get my son some help. He’s really sick. See, his leg is broken. He’s helpless. WINK.” So yeah, if you want to watch something with all the fun of a Marvel character and all the “Oh my god, no” of comic book child abuse, this is a good one. Jeez. Maybe you should’ve just gone to a costume party or something, y’all.

3

Any Roseanne Halloween Episode

If you grew up in a small town like I did, you know that Halloweens are a gamble. You’ll get to go trick-or-treating, but only if your parents are down to drive you to a more populated place that supports such an activity. Otherwise you’re just trudging in a ditch down a lonely country road, hoping that a passing car doesn’t hit you and ruin your Dollar Store Wolfman mask and spill all of your candy. And when you age out of that, you go to a local haunted maze, which never fails to be out in the middle of nowhere. There, you watch theatrical rednecks rev chainsaws, wave severed prop heads, and ignore copyright infringements. In North Carolina, you don’t legally reach puberty until you’ve held someone’s hand through the Hacker House. It’s the law.

One of the draws of the sitcom Roseanne was that it was about a lower-middle-class family. So many sitcoms were based around how cool it would be to have friends in New York City, or how great it would be if you could shove a dozen family members into the same piece of prime San Francisco real estate. But Roseanne was hunkered down in the suburbs. The main set looked like it had been cobbled together from a thrift store’s going-out-of-business sale, the costumes were from a Fashion Bug clearance rack, and the family was loud and loving, just like mine.

Except on Halloween.

The Halloween episodes of Roseanne are things of sitcom legend. Barely having anything to do with the show itself, the Halloween episodes would go all out and present an alternate Roseanne reality where the family could suddenly afford elaborate costumes and expensive makeup. Halloween was the biggest day of the year (as it should be in all worlds, fictional or otherwise), and the usual relaxed pace of a Roseanne episode was replaced by a frantic joke parade. And for me, it was pure wish fulfillment.

You wanted to have a Roseanne Halloween. A Halloween where you could buy that expensive costume that you saw at the mall and run around and play pranks on everyone. A Halloween where you could go trick-or-treating with your friends, because most houses were less than a quarter of a mile from each other. A Halloween where everyone, adults included, understood how important Halloween was to you.

The Halloweens I experienced as a kid were fucking wonderful. But just once, I wanted a Roseanne Halloween.

2

How I Met Your Mother: “The Slutty Pumpkin Returns”

I moved from North Carolina to NYC, because it’s the true path of an artist to be miserable in a small town and then move to a large town where you’re only mostly miserable. And it’s there that I learned that you will see most of the people you know maybe once every few months. It’s just hard to hang out with people. Sure, a subway system connects the whole city, but deciding to use it is flipping the coin on whether a particular train works that day or not. So you’ll go a long time without seeing someone important to you. “Oh, I remember you! You were at that thing in 1988! New Jersey now, huh?”

The How I Met Your Mother Halloween episode “The Slutty Pumpkin Returns” gets that more than most NYC-based sitcoms. In it, human sweater vest Ted Mosby finally meets up with a girl that he saw at a Halloween party years earlier. She’d been dressed as a pumpkin, and as he did with most things with a pulse, he fell in love with her. But now, upon meeting her and dating her, he finds that they have absolutely no spark. Sitcoms, right? One minute you’re in a zany situation, the next you’re finding out that you’ve spent the last ten years pining after a lie. Laugh track!

Halloween in a big city is weird. On one hand, you want to explore what it has to offer, but it’s easy to get discouraged by the fact that you know that something like “HALLOWEEN PARTY FEATURING DJ QUANTUM. HALF-OFF SHOTS. PEOPLE IN COSTUMES GET A FREE PUMPKIN TEQUILA ENEMA” will attract roughly 30,000 people. So you go to parties, where you make friends you don’t see again for eight years. And so your big-city circle of friends becomes a mix of a core group you hang out with constantly and people you see once a decade. It’s kind of nice, especially in a sea of sitcoms that portray NYC as a place where you apparently can teleport from borough to borough, never having to worry about petty things like time or physics.

1

Walker, Texas Ranger: “The Children Of Halloween”

I don’t blame you if you don’t want to watch Walker, Texas Ranger. Chuck Norris is a pretty cartoonish figure in pop culture, but most episodes of Walker are a slog. Chuck kicks some criminals, administers a moral lesson, and talks down to everyone. Chuck Norris is judge, jury, executioner, God, Jesus, and Shakespeare in Walker, Texas Ranger. Somehow, Chuck Norris made a show about roundhouse kicks into something as boring as a Pat Robertson colonoscopy.

However, if you’re looking for something that is simultaneously a piece of batshit holiday insanity and the Walker-est Texas-est Ranger-est episode of Walker, Texas Ranger ever, watch “The Children Of Halloween.” It opens with Norris scoffing at his black co-worker’s George Washington Carver costume. Walker is a Texas Ranger, but more than that, he’s an awful dickhead.

One scene of men in ape masks shooting machine guns at a convenience store for no reason later, and we get a touching montage of kids practicing martial arts that feels like it lasts two hours. One of those kids is abducted by a satanic cult, and Walker is dropped into a race against time to stop children from being sacrificed. How spooky is all of this? So spooky that the opening credits adopt a Tales From The Crypt font and show us a cemetery with a blue filter over it. Fucking boo.

Sony Pictures Television Distribution

That’s ultimate spooky.

Regardless, Walker has never met a problem he couldn’t quite easily resolve by beating it unconscious. In the nick of time, he literally flies onto the screen with a side-kick, and then breaks a Satan worshiper’s neck in front of a group of stunned children. He proceeds to kick an entire cult into submission and saves the day. Walker finishes the episode by drinking coffee in a bar while ignoring the women who hit on him, because as the theme song says, “That’s what a ranger’s gonna be.” Yep. Murder a bunch of strangers in front of elementary schoolers and never have sex, like, ever. It’s what a ranger’s gonna be. Who am I to argue?

Daniel has a spooky, scary Twitter.

The Simpsons Tree House of Horror Collection is objectively the greatest Halloween TV you’ll ever find on this Earth. Enjoy!

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Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/12/06/the-5-best-halloween-episodes-you-should-watch-tonight/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/12/06/the-5-best-halloween-episodes-you-should-watch-tonight/