#with what is most likely an anxious attachment style at this point

[cowlovely]

okay so the thing about mike is. he is a 15 year old boy raised by middle class republicans in the 80s. they have a debatable level of influence/presence in his life, and whatever influence is there is probably like. not great! he hasn’t really had many good role models growing up. and he is also literally 15. so i’m not surprised that he is not the most emotionally intelligent person and friend—even just with those two factors!

but THEN you add on the fact that from age 12, mike has been dealing with the people closest to him being in extreme mortal peril—sometimes to the point of thinking that they’re dead! for extended periods of time!! i don’t know about you, but i think that maybe would traumatize me a little! if i continued being put in really terrifying situations through my adolescence and saw everyone i cared about being put through the same (and often worse!), i maybe would not be the most well adjusted person. i maybe would even lash out or become a bit distant, or have a hard time processing and articulating my emotions well.

i recognize that all of the kids have gone through shit of varying degrees throughout the seasons, and not all of them have reacted the way mike seems to have, but jesus christ can we cut the kid a little slack?? he’s not even that bad. like he could be doing a LOT worse and i would still be saying all this. i don’t even feel like he’s at a point where i should need to go to bat for him like this.

[8thhousekat]

🩷Moon sign observations🩷

Aries moons: I’ve noticed that a lot of Aries moon people tend to have a certain interest that they are very very passionate about🙏 they also are very protective over their loved ones if you think no one has your back that one Aries moon family member or friend does they also may be addicted to drama❤️❤️

Taurus moons: the most loyal and caring people I’ve ever met they always find a way to make you comfortable in the most uncomfortable situations haha they also can get irritable when they are hungry or when they are stressed they may over indulge in food or things that may be comforting to them.

Gemini moons: a lot of them tend to always need to be doing something to keep them from overthinking and spiraling. They always know everything about everyone even people that are just acquaintances. They overindulge in media haha and they might have multiple things they are interested in or were at one point and it is the most random hobby ever they also may struggle with being anxious or having a lot of anxiety due to always asking why or making hypothetical situations in their head(this is my moon sign😭)

Cancer moons: they are always so caring they might accidentally parent their friends and family but it’s because they care about them so much. I’ve noticed that a lot of cancer moons that I’ve met are old souls they could appreciate antiques and older music🙏they are very practical at times and they always seem to know the right thing to say when you are upset

Leo moons: Leo moons just light up rooms when they smile their humor is immaculate. They also might have a tendency to hold grudges on certain people. A lot of Leo moons I’ve met have a very chill demeanor but once they get comfortable they really show their personality❤️ they are surprisingly stubborn too and have leader characteristics people just listen to them

Virgo moons: they are so anxious :( but very stable a lot of them might get stomach issues due to anxiety they also could stress clean😭 they get stressed out in unclean environments. Also might have a tendency to want to fix people or give solutions when someone is upset (this isn’t because they don’t care it’s because they want to help) virgo moons tend to be stuck in-between their head and their heart they also have very beautiful skin they take very good care of themselves and others.

Libra moons: you guys are so diplomatic and conflict adverse at the same time haha I’ve never met a libra moon who didn’t want to keep the peace. They are so sweet and they always seem to know what to say to make people feel better. They also might get stuck in situations due to getting attached easily. Libra moons also might have a hard time being alone because they just want to be loved😔 I love you guys sm

Scorpio moons: you guys are detectives on a monocular level you always seem to know how to get things out of people a lot of my friends are Scorpio moons and their dark humor is so fucking funny. They also are emotional even if they try to hide it they have huge hearts and care about their people. They love horror movies/games and When they are mad they might struggle with revenge fantasies and explosive anger. Very secretive about non important things like their playlists or their favorite food but non the less they are extremely loyal people so don’t hurt them or you will never get back in.

Sagittarius moons: they have so much energy and knowledge they are little adventurers they always have some funny story to pull out of nowhere you know when a Sagittarius moon loves you is when they take you on their little trips even to the gas station haha they love to express themselves through their style and they are so accepting. A lot of Sagittarius moons teach themselves about things they absorb information very quickly and could easily understand how things work

Capricorn moons: they are very hard working and prone to burn out very loyal they might have a tendency to be pessimistic and go through depressive episodes:( they all need hugs haha some of them might be a bit grouchy at times and get frustrated when there’s lack of effort from the people they love. They really like food that reminds them of home. The cap moons that I know are very good at saving their money. But when they are stressed they over spend. Kids also really like them for some reason haha same with cancer moons

Aquarius moons: these people aren’t afraid to be themselves they are they are very much you see is what you get type energy. they are logical and intelligent but they also are very goofy at times they might have a hard time making friends due to fear of letting people in but once they let you in they are amazing friends and people to be around. They also could have a hard time with being emotional around others can be stoic at times.

Pisces moons: they are so sweet and delusional haha pisces moons love romance and daydream a lot they also could have very vivid dreams. They are kind and caring and also have a savior complex like Virgo moons😭 a lot of Pisces moons I know have this ability to get people to open up to them they can be too trusting. Some of them might say white lies 😭😭 but at the end of the day they just want to be accepted the same way that they accept others

these are just my observations on the moon signs if they aren’t accurate to you then that’s okay🩷🩷 Thank you for reading 🩷🩷 if you would like a free natal chart reading just comment

[herejusttosufferalong]

Attachment Style Anon Here

I appreciate everyone’s comments on my last post regarding L/A. There was a lot more I could have added but I was worried it was too long… 

A few things I wanted to mention before I dive into L/N:

everyone has an attachment style, usually there is a combo but only one is dominate

There is a direct correlation between your attachment style and your personality traits 

Your attachment style can change after an impactful relationship (good and bad) 

I am a woman in STEM who researches behavioral styles and has been focused this past year on attachment styles (sorry if I come across clinical sometimes in my messaging) 

I wanted to understand why the chemistry between L & N seemed so 🔥 and intense in a way that we haven’t seen before.

I already established my thoughts on L’s attachment style in the last post. I’ll move onto N - my analysis of her is based on her personality traits and what she projects out into the world because of how little she shares of her private life. 

Overall, N’s dominate attachment style is Secure.I think it’s easy to see her secure attachment through her actions: i.e. her stable family life and the close bond that they clearly share, her ability to be private showcases someone who doesn’t need validation, general confidence in the way she presents herself, but ultimately its the way that other speak of her that showcases her secure nature. She had stated  in past interviews that she didn’t necessarily believe in love, gave some vague answers regarding her views on relationships etc. Speculation: at some point she was hurt by some type of relationship that temporarily that made her cautious of attachment in general, but ultimately her foundation is secure. 

A Secure person will essentially be compatible with anyone. The ultimate life goal is for a secure person to find another secure person, however the second most compatible relationship is a secure + anxious relationship (i.e. N + L = dominate attachments)

Surface level, they do gravitate towards one another because they are able to match each other needs. This is where I feel we see a “different Luke” when he’s with Nicola. He is different because his needs are being met when he’s with her and vice versa. 

Nicola’s verbal praise helps quell Luke’s fear of unworthiness. We have seen her time and time again, hype him up because she understands that he struggles with his anxiety. L’s strengths would be that anxious attachment people are very protective and are attuned to their partner’s needs. Nicola may be secure but she has emotional needs as well. Where we saw this was the interview where they watched the final scene and Nicola started to cry, they snuggled and he checked in with her. Also he checked in with on the Dublin red carpet. What he provides to her might be more subtle in terms of frequency but it’s impactful to her.  

The key to the success of this relationship is an establishment of a foundational communication level (i.e. verbal and non-verbal) - something that N + L have done probably subconsciously. We’ve seen a few BTS footage and interviews where they’ve said that they’ve been able to communicate with just looks. It think this along with their matching attachment style is where we see the actual magic - it’s that energy they put out of knowing each other so well that everyone around them feels their attuned energy. 

At the end of the day however, while the secure person has the ability to uplift an anxious person to a secure level, the opposite I also true. The secure individual tends to be the more dominate in the relationship and can hold more power within it. Luke will more than likely always be the best version of himself when he’s with Nicola, however unless he puts in the work to overcome his insecurities, the relationship won’t have any real legs. It would eventually becoming draining to Nicola. 

thank you anon for sharing

you were able to so succinctly express and give vision to my exact thoughts/feelings on their dynamic in a more academic way

💜

[badsassitude]

The Boyfriend: Why Shun Needs Hugs (Deep Dive Part 1/3)

My brain does not want to shut up about the dynamics on this show, and I am ready to fight everyone talking smack about Shun.  Look, that boy needs to be hugged, not shamed, and that is a hill I am ready to die on.  

Emotions are complicated and messy. Sometimes the things we want the most are the things we are the most scared of, and sometimes we desperately struggle between wanting to connect and wanting to protect ourselves from pain and doing neither well. It’s a bit like trying to go left but also go right and just pacing back and forth and not going anywhere. What was meant initially to be a simple reflection of exploring Shun’s behavior through the lens of attachment theory took on a life of its own, and now we have parts.

So here is part one, in which we look at Shun's behaviors through the lens of anxious attachment and I draft adoption papers 24 years too late.

Shun as presented in episodes 1-6 of The Boyfriend, has anxious attachment written all over him. **I think it is MASSIVELY IMPORTANT to understand that I am not saying Shun has an anxious attachment style.** First and foremost, what we as watchers see is only a series of filmed interactions edited together. Even if we could see 24/7 unedited footage from the moment Shun stepped into the Green Room, we would still only be seeing a small part of Shun’s life, during a time where he is outside of his normal life and environment. Secondly, we can only see what is outwardly observable, so at best our perspective is based off of guesses and interpretation for which there is no way to validate, elaborate on, or clarify.

For context, in a super brief, overly simplified cliff notes version: anxious attachment is one of the insecure attachment styles included in attachment theory.  Attachment theory describes common behaviors and characteristic of 4 primary attachment styles (of which anxious attachment is an insecure attachment style).

Second note: attachment is not static, remember, emotions are complicated and people don’t fit into neat little boxes. How we attach in different relationships with different people at different points in our lives is unique to that relationship and that context. 

Now back to Shun (well, my interpretation of the Netflix reality TV edited version). Some behaviors I have seen demonstrated by Shun in the show that characterize anxious attachment include:

fear of rejection 

Frequent need for validation, reassurance, attention 

Low self-esteem 

Intense desire for intimacy and closeness, but afraid of abandonment- contributing to the push/pull of clingy to pushing away

Difficulty trusting others 

Jealousy 

For children who grow up feeling as if their needs are not met, with inconsistencies in caregiver responses and an environment that feels unpredictable and perhaps unsafe - they have a higher risk of developing an insecure attachment style (such as anxious attachment) because they did not experience secure attachment bonds. 

Think about what Shun has shared of his story:  Shun never knew his parents. Most likely they abandoned him, and he doesn’t know why. He grew up in a children’s home/orphanage. He was raised by caregivers who took care of him because it was their job. It is reasonable to infer that there was likely turnover in staff at an unknown frequency, and there was likely inconsistency in how staff treated him. It is possible that other children came and went, possibly were adopted. There was nothing stable or secure in that environment, and the even the most loving of caregivers weren’t family and could leave at any time. 

Additionally, he made two comments that set my trauma spidey-senses tingling. Per the Netflix translation, Shun said “Even there… I went through a lot.” Quickly followed by, “And… well, after a lot happened, I ended up coming to Tokyo on my own.” He then added that since coming to Tokyo he has been free, which was said with a little smile and a nod that pierced me to my core. The way he presented while telling his story, so matter of fact with a level of detachment, is very consistent with how I have experienced many trauma survivors telling their stories. 

Now add to all that what he has shared about his past relationships - primarily that he had experiences with “player types” that were clearly painful enough that seeing whatever pictures he saw on Dai’s phone triggered him to the point of tears. He described one relationship as horrible, he “couldn’t get out of it.”  

When you think about what that man has been through, is it that strange that while he may desperately long for love and intimacy, that he’s also terrified of being vulnerable in the way you have to be to get it? 

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

[chiffon-and-spice]

RE HC's: Attachment Style, Love Languages

(Keep in mind these are literally all HC's and if you disagree, it's not cannon so don't get your dick in a twist. This is literally just how I see the characters. Most are bisexual because… it just feels fitting to me. Idk. If you don't see a character here that you'd like me to do, please let me know.)

Characters in this Post: Rebecca Chambers, Billy Coen, Albert Wesker, Chris Redfield, Jill Valentine, Leon Kennedy, Claire Redfield, Ada Wong, and Carlos Oliveira. (if you'd like a character not mentioned here done, feel free to ask <3)

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Rebecca Chambers-

Sexuality: Bi/Demi-sexual

Zodiac: Virgo

Love Language: Becca definitely expresses her love through acts of service. She may not be all that great at expressing herself through words, and being busy with work allows her little time to be close to you in person. She will do little things like fold your clothes if they're still in the dryer, make your bed, do those chores you aren't looking forward to, and so much more. She loves the idea of helping make your life a little more easier. When it comes to being shown love however, Rebecca loves words of affirmation. She thrives best when you give her hella love and reassurance. Not being good with words, she admires how freely you can talk about your feelings for her. It literally lights up her soul.

Attachment Style: Despite a lot of the struggles Rebecca has been through, she's pretty secure in herself and the relationships she gets in. Even though she struggles with her words, she's super effective at communicating her feelings when it comes to issues. Rebecca is also really good at self-reflection and will work on herself in all the places she falters, to ensure you two have the most healthy dynamic. She's super trusting of you, and does not hesitate to give out reassurance if you ask.

Billy Coen-

Sexuality: Bisexual

Zodiac: Taurus

Love Language: Billy expresses his love through physical touch. Whether it be through gentle caresses or playful pokes and punches, he lovesss touching you in any way. He can't seem to keep his hands off of you. You go out, he will kick you playfully under the table, and in the morning he's the one to cling to you and not want you to get out of bed. Morning sex is a given with him. He loves to make you feel good, and he feels best when he's touching you. When it comes to being shown love, Billy is a big fan of quality time. He doesn't care what it is you're doing, he wants to be close. You have to go to the grocery store to do some mundane task, nothing makes him more excited than you inviting him to go. He especially loves when you take time off of work or other things to be with him. Knowing you took time out of your day and your life to make room for him makes his day.

Attachment Style: Billy hasn't had the best of luck in the relationship department, especially with his past, and it makes him weary of who to trust. He's got an anxious attachment style, and while he craves love he's also terrified it isn't genuine. Billy can be super clingy at points, and sometimes struggles when you don't seem to have time for him. He needs constant reassurance, that you're for him and only him. He realizes this about himself, and always makes sure to tell you before you start dating. When given reassurance, he is the happiest boy, and he will never tire of you showing him just how much you love him.

Albert Wesker-

Sexuality: Pansexual (this is actually not a stretch as his VA played him as a queer man Link

Zodiac: Aries

Love Language: Albert expresses his love through giving gifts. Bro is not good with words and not a fan of being touched. But if he's sees something that reminds him of you, he will absolutely get it. He will shower you in gifts. You mention needing a new set of pens to take notes, he's already half-way to the store, buying the specific ball-point or gel pens you require. Working late, he's stopping by your workplace with food from your favorite place. Have a favorite show or little obession, he will buy anything for you that relates to said thing. When it comes to being given love, Albert loves acts of service. When you do things for him, it makes his life a lot easier. Especially if it's something he's not looking forward to. Nothing impresses him more than you doing something for him, when he didn't even have to ask for it.

Attachment Style: Albert 1,000% has disorganized attachment. One minute you think he's absolutely into you, and the next he is running for the hills. He's terrified of rejection, but also craves acceptance. Albert sometimes completely shuts down and doesn't talk to you about his concerns with the relationship. A lot of the time, even he doesn't know why he's being distant. It doesn't seem to matter how good you treat him, he always has anxiety about your relationship, but if you're super patient with him he can be the most tender and loving soul you can have. Often the relationship may be confusing, and Albert doesn't really talk about his feelings. Sometimes, he can even be a little aggressive and lash out, but he always apologizes and begs for you to stay.

Chris Redfield-

Sexuality: Bisexual/Demiromantic (takes bro a lot to be romantically into you)

Zodiac: Scorpio

Love Language: Chris expresses his love through acts of service, man struggles with words like Wesker and physical touch can be too much for him sometimes. But occupying himself with things to do that'll make you happy is how he loves showing you his love. He can get physical every once in awhile, but he kinda does that with a lot of people, so it isn't exactly how he expresses his love. Doing things for you also allows him to express his love for you in a way that makes him feel comfortable. Like your coffee a certain way? Chris is working his ass off to make sure you get it. When it comes to being shown love Chris surprisingly likes words of affirmation. He can't speak for himself, so when you talk about how you feel it makes him weak. He wants more than anything to be able to speak the way you do, and that's why he appreciates when you do it so well. Using your words sometimes can be a bit much for him, and makes him want to pull away, but in the long run he does find comfort in them.

Attachment Style: Chris has an avoidant attachment style. He feels like he has to go through everything on his own, and if he isn't strong enough to do it by himself then it makes him feel weak. He can seem extremely emotionally closed off at points, which makes it difficult to communicate effectively with him. He has a bit of a negative mentality, that relationships aren't necessary and he does best on his own. Good luck getting him to talk about his feelings, because this man is closed up tighter than a shell. Most of his relationships have been in the casual/one-night stand area. Chris is the first to walk off during an argument, and can definitely hold a grudge. Being patient with him is pretty rewarding however, as he apologizes after awhile. This is very hard for him, but when he cares about you, he will try to better himself.

Jill Valentine-

Sexuality: Bi/Greysexual

Zodiac: Libra

Love Language: When it comes to expressing her love, Jill loves spending time with you. She will take breaks from work, and when she works from home she will seek you out in the house. Even if it's sitting in silence, she wants to be by your side. She's very dedicated to her job, so she can't think of a better way to show you how much she cares than to distance herself from work. She loves physical touch, and nothing makes her feel more appreciated than when you touch her. Especially on the thighs or arms. It drives her wild. Underneath that badass exterior, she's a cuddly bunny. When walking around in public, and you throw your arm around her shoulders, she never feels more loved and secure. Even if she knows she can take care of herself, having you around makes her feel secure and comfortable.

Attachment Style: Despite being a bit obsessive with Umbrella, Jill has a bit more of a secure attachment style. The most issues you may have is maybe not getting her full attention at times, but she will quickly rectify it if you point it out. She's effective at communicating her wants and needs and really appreciates when her partner does the same thing. Like Rebecca, she is also kind of patient, but she won't tolerate certain behavior past a point. If she's making a big effort, she expects you to do the same. She's super understanding of your traumas and past however, and will do her best to help you. She also encourages you not to be codependent and overall just wants you both to grow as people.

Leon Kennedy-

Sexuality: Bisexual (bro fucks a ton after RE2)

Zodiac: Leo

Love Language: Leon expresses his love through physical touch. Bro is so touch starved, he gets his cuddles in any time he can. Practically clinging to you like a koala. He loves running his hands through your hair and being big spoon to you. He covers you in kisses to, if the skin is exposed, he's going for it. Big fan of hickeys to, and loves marking you in easy to see spots. He also loves recieving love this way. When you hold his hand in public, he still gets little butterflies. Pressing yourself a little more into him, when you guys are sleeping, is the hottest thing you can do for him. Practically melts from it. He loves rougher touches to. Like you running your nails down his back or biting his lips when you kiss.

Attachment Style: Leon has an anxious attachment style, and is terrified of getting close to people. Like most of the RE men it seems. 😭 Probably cause he's seen so much death. When he does start getting close, he struggles to let go. He can be suffocating at points, with how much he wants to be around you. He wants to take every second in, because he's so paranoid about it being your last together. While Leon doesn't communicate his feelings verbally, you can easily read when things are off and after a bit of work he may reluctantly open a little. He's very hard to crack. Leon is very efficient at asking about your feelings however, and will gladly hear all of your problems. Somehow, despite not knowing how to fix his only problems, he always seems to have solutions for yours.

Claire Redfield-

Sexuality: Lesbian (cry about it)

Zodiac: Aquarius

Love Language: Claire is surprisingly great with words, and loves to show it. She expresses how she loves you through words of affirmation. She will tell you she loves you every single day, and she means it with all her heart. Claire is the type of partner to send you loving paragraphs before bed, and makes sure you get a goodmorning text every morning. She leaves sticky notes everywhere to when she thinks about it, with little things she loves about you. When it comes to being shown love however, Claire really enjoys quality time. Expressing that you want to actually spend time with her whenever you can means the world to her. Growing up with Chris, who's been very busy since she was a kid, she's always valued the little time she gets to spend with her loved ones.

Attachment Style: Claire learned a lot from Chris, which made her have the exact opposite attachment style as him. Being practically raised by him and having a good relationship with him, she's pretty secure in her attachments. Even when things get rough, she's always understanding and holds out hope. Claire has always been good at being self-sufficient, so she doesn't need to be around you 24/7 or hear from you constantly. Doubts don't really get a hold of her in your relationship, and she's super easy to connect and be vulnerable with. She'll even talk about her own personal experiences just to make you feel more comfortable.

Ada Wong-

Sexuality: Bisexual

Zodiac: Gemini

Love Language: Ada never explicitly states what or how she's feeling, she's very much a woman of action. This is why she expresses her love through physical touch. Though she's not entirely clingy with it. If you're around, it could be as simple as her feet across your lap, while you watch tv. When it comes to physical touch for her, it's not the soft little gently caresses you're used to. She likes to be rough, and she will not hesitate to pounce on you. When it comes to being shown love, Ada enjoys receiving gifts. Not being given things too frequently, it means the world to her when her partners comes to her with something they bought specifically because it reminded them of her. Hell, even if it's not something she quite understands or likes, she will try to play it cool while freaking out on the inside. Despite Ada's distant exterior, she's definitely an absolute softie.

Attachment Style: Girl has got disorganized attachment style, one hundo percent. She's hot and cold with anyone she's with, and you always second guess just how she feels about you. You convince yourself that it's part of the fun, and the second you start to distance yourself as well, she's showing right back up. Ada feels undeserving of a healthy relationship, so when she gets a good thing her first instinct is to flee. Being that she isn't entirely true to herself and is always putting up a mask, it's hard for her to make genuine connections. Ada is sick of the mask however, and is so desperately ready to let it drop and be loved. Once you have her, even if it feels like you don't, you're stuck with her. She will harass you for the rest of your life, and play it off as anything but an interest in you.

Carlos Oliveira-

Sexuality: Bisexual (he came out to me in character ai, so practically cannon)

Zodiac: Saggittarius

Love Language: Carlos loves spending time with his partner. When it comes to his work, he doesn't get a lot of free time, so the best way he expresses his love by using what little he does have with you. Hell, he'd take time off just to be with you. Despite being a massive flirt, when things get serious he isn't the best at expressing himself in a way that isn't lighthearted or teasing. So instead he shows it, by dropping everything just to be around you, if you so please. During his breaks, he stops by your workplace whether it be to give you a little kiss or something more. He checks up on you with facetime calls frequently, when he's away and can't stand when work pulls him away from you. When it comes to being shown love however, Carlos very much likes things to be physical. Anyone can say words, he knows this more than anyone being the huge flirty whore (affectionately) he is, but to actually act on these things sends his heart soaring. And not just sex, though Carlos is very fond of that aspect to, he's more into the careful and intimate touches. Being hugged from behind, soft kisses along his neck, you playing with his hair, he practically folds over it.

Attachment Style: Weirdly enough, Carlos is pretty secure in his attachments, though I think he's cautious about entering a committed relationship with someone. He doesn't just feel that kind of love with anyone, and when things do go beyond flirting and hook ups, you know you've got something special with him. Carlos might not be the best with words, but he's an amazing listener and will gladly listen to whatever possible issues that may arise between you two. Even if he struggles with how to put things into words, he tries his best to open up with you as well. Carlos's work has always kept him pretty occupied, so he's never really felt too wound up about being away from his partner or having to put some healthy distance between you to. If you can work with his pretty hectic schedule, he will gladly work with you. Carlos is also a super gentle lover when no one is looking. All his rough talk and flirts are definitely for show, and the second you start getting a little bit serious with him, he gets flustered.

[musicalmoritz]

I've noticed you're into psychology so maybe you can help me out with figuring out what attachment style Kou is :D I think he has an anxious attachment style but I'm not sure since he doesn't always fill out the criteria for lack of a better word. Idk I'd just love to hear your thoughts on this

*pulls out my AS psychology degree* You’ve come to the right place

I had to brush up on attachment styles for this because I haven’t thought much about them since I took lifespan development psych. I’ll admit, my initial reaction to Kou having an anxious attachment was to be on the fence. I have an anxious attachment style and my own relationships look very different from the way Kou’s are portrayed, I tend to maintain distance while Kou goes all in. But not all styles are going to present the exact same way, and upon further inspection I think an anxious attachment style is most likely for Kou!

It makes sense with how unstable his home life is, and how Teru focused a lot on warning him about the dangers of the world. Plus with how Teru (who seems to be his primary caregiver after his mother’s death) is very loving but also not home often, putting a lot of responsibility on Kou. He clearly wants strong relationships, but he’s terrified of losing people. He needs constant reassurance, which is a core element of anxious attachment. Even early in the manga, he panicked when he thought Teru didn’t trust him with the school mystery case

Then we have his romantic relationship with Mitsuba, which is a whole train wreck in and of itself. This is another dynamic in which Kou requires constant reassurance, he needs Mitsuba to rely on him and only him. In fact one of his deepest desires is for Mitsuba to be helpless without him. We see this also in his friendships, with how he’s constantly trying to prove himself to Hanako and Nene by showing off that he can protect them (even in situations where he clearly can’t). He’s also insecure in his friendships with Yokoo and Satou, wanting to open up to them about his life as an exorcist but being forced to keep it a secret. And he struggles to talk about his emotions, I don’t remember the exact chapter but Yokoo and Satou pointed this out during the school sleepover at the beginning of the Grim Reaper arc

So yeah, Kou wanting so badly to be close to people but never feeling secure in those relationships definitely looks like an anxious attachment style. I’ll add that Mitsuba shows signs of a disorganized attachment style, specifically with the way he interacts with Kou. He wants someone to rely on, but when Kou offers to be that person for him he pushes him away. It takes Kou jumping off a building for Mitsuba to believe he genuinely cares about him. I mention this because tbh disorganized attachment styles kinda fuck me up, I get emotional just reading the word. But I digress

Thank you for this ask, I love to infodump about psychology!!

[rosypenguins]

Hello again. I’m back with another delusional prediction: his entire fucking backstory lets do this! (I want to see how much I can get right before S2 drops.) (And I also realize I talk a lot about Drew’s backstory anyways, so might as well just outline all my thoughts here!)

Obviously, we know Drew’s parents are rich. It’s the thing he brags about constantly. So I imagine his parents have jobs that keep them away from home often. (Either they have to work long hours, or they have to travel.) I also imagine Drew’s an only-child, because… like, he lacks basic communication skills and his empathy’s terrible. All of this points to someone who grew up relatively alone.

So, with Drew’s parents just gone for most of his life, Drew was probably left under the care of nannies they’d hire, and honestly, I feel like Drew probably wouldn’t really want to interact with any of these people. He feels like the kind of kid who just locked himself away in his room and went on his iPad. (YOU CANNOT TELL ME DREW WASN’T AN IPAD KID I WILL NOT BELIEVE YOU-)

So these nannies pretty much made sure he got to school, ate, and went to bed. They didn’t actually engage with him much beyond that. (Unless like he was actively acting up or something.) And if they tried, Drew would probably be a little brat and leave. (Also I imagine that he’d only have the same nanny for a few weeks to a few months before his parents hired someone else.)

When Drew’s parents were around, they were pretty neglectful. They wouldn’t really engage unless Drew actively made an effort. (Which was rare at best.) They were very professional, and emotionally distant. Drew was always shut down whenever he was upset, and he was likely either yelled at or ignored whenever he cried. I like to imagine he’s parents probably have more traditional values, such as men always having to be strong and whatnot. It was considered weakness to cry, or display any strong emotions really. (I’m pretty sure it’s confirmed that Drew has a toxic masculinity mindset, which would explain a lot about his behavior, and how he instinctively resorts to anger to express his emotions.)

Drew was always told he had to be strong, and he wasn’t supposed to cry. And eventually, he stopped crying, because he knew it wouldn’t get him anything, and it’d only be a sign of weakness: something he was supposed to be.

Hell, the only real way Drew could even tell that his parents cared about him was how they’d buy him stuff. They’d buy him anything he wanted, they just never gave him their time. (Which is why he’s always buying stuff for his friends because it’s all he knows how to do.)

I don’t think Drew really understood why his parents were never around, at least for a while. He probably just assumed they didn’t want him or something. Or he wasn’t worth more than their time was.

Needless to say, I think Drew was a pretty problematic child in Elementary school. I imagine he’d be pretty defiant of authority, and pretty argumentative too. (All just lashing out because of the lack of attention he receives at home.) (Also in an attempt to gain control over something.)

But Drew eventually mellowed out, and just accepted how his life was. And I’m just gonna mention here too, Drew definitely has an insecure attachment style. Without a consistent parental figure giving him attention, and with how little he had control over in his early life, I feel like he’d developed a disorganized attachment style. (Being a combination of avoidant and anxious. He wants to keep people close, but he’s also terrified of someone else leaving him so he’d rather just keep his distance sometimes.) (He needs therapy BAD.)

Anyways, I feel when Drew was around 12 or so, his parents probably figured he’d be old enough to take care of himself, which at this point Drew just does not care anymore. He locks himself away in his room anyways, what difference would it make? His parents just gave him his own card so he could buy himself anything he needed. (This basically left Drew home alone for a majority of his life. He’d sometimes catch them late at night after work or early before work, or sometimes not at all because they’re traveling meaning he’d be alone for several days at a time.)

And I definitely feel Drew resents his parents for having him and never being around for him, but he tells himself it made him independent, and it gave him realistic expectation of what the worlds like. (In reality all his parents gave him is attachment issues, abandonment issues, and a shit-ton of cash.)

Anyways, as stated before Drew probably gained a reputation for being a problematic child in Elementary school, and maintained this reputation even when he started mellowing out and focusing more in school. So Middle School became his ‘fresh start’. (WHICH IS WHY HE TOLD JAKE THAT IN EPISODE 9-)

As per his parents demand, Drew enrolled in Honors courses. (That was probably one of the only things they really cared about honestly: his grades.) And he started building a better reputation for himself, making friends with cooler students and picking on others to make him feel better about himself.

But these friends he had were all based around being cool. Drew had to fit with them, and if he slipped up he’d probably be no better than the people he bullied. (Middle School’s a lawless land.)

And from the Comic Episode it’s sort of implied Drew didn’t go to Middle School with Henry or Liam, so I’m gonna assume they met sometime in High School.

And I think a reason Drew became friends with these two absolute losers is because they weren’t really all that cool. They’re just two goofballs, so Drew probably didn’t have to worry about being cool around them. (Same goes for why he hangs out with Jake, too.) He’s friends with them all because he’s not really too concerned about appearing cool. He can slip up now and then and know it won’t result in anything. And they make him look cooler by comparison-

(I also like the idea that Drew dropped the Honors classes he’d been taking sometime in Sophomore or Junior year just to be with his friends. I like to think he had to argue with his parents for a while just so they’d let him.)

My final note is on Jake. Drew- Drew has a crush on him. That’s simply canon. (Trust me guys it’s gonna be confirmed in S2 I promise-) So he gets really possessive and controlling because he doesn’t want Jake to leave like everyone else in his life did. He doesn’t want Jake to abandon him, so he will do anything in his power to prevent that.

So that’s all I got for the backstory. Now to talk about the affects.

So because Drew’s parents were never around, he probably had this complex he isn’t really worth much. Otherwise, why wouldn’t they find more time for him? And because he never really felt love as a child, he struggles to find worth in himself. He’s unable to find happiness in himself because he was never taught how to love himself. (And it’s hard to love yourself if you feel like no one loves you.) So his only source of happiness is his friends. (I’ve done a separate post about this topic but essentially Drew is co-dependent because they’re his only escape from his loneliness and self-hatred.)

And as another way to cope with his problems, Drew brags about his possessions and picks on others constantly. It’s a way to make himself to look better than others. To make himself seem like someone worthwhile.

And because Drew cannot love himself, he finds ways to be wanted. To be needed, to be worth something.

Which is why he spends thousands on his friends. Not only is it the only way he knows how to show his love, it’s also how he knows he’s needed. If he can buy his friends anything they want, why would they ever leave him? They’d have no reason to.

It’s why he kinda lets Zoey walk all over him in their relationship. It’s why he so casually buys Jake a laptop and a literal Switch. It’s all so they still need him. And all he wants in exchange is their care.

So when Zoey cheats and Jake lies, it crumbles his very worldview. He thought they needed him. He thought they cared. But to him, it was all a lie. And it all circles back to him feeling worthless and useless all over again.

TDLR: Drew’s parents neglected him for a majority of Drew’s life and he desperately needs therapy because of it. And he has depression probably. And at least like 5 of his problems could’ve been solved with a hug and simple reassurance.

[incorrectklavekatz]

Javier and Dutch’s Relationship Analysis

I feel like as a whole, Javier is generally one of the gang members who is under looked in terms of his dynamic with Dutch. Especially considering how critical it is to his character.

First of all, as most people know, Javier met Dutch at an extremely vulnerable time in his life, he knew no English, he was starving, and he was in a country which was actively hostile to him, he was also around 22 when Dutch found him.

This means that he fit neither criteria for Dutch’s usual choice of muscle for the gang. He was weak when he found him, but he was also already an established adult who had his own beliefs and morals in place, he couldn’t be groomed like John or Arthur, and he wasn’t already in a position to immediately start working for him like Charles or Sean.

At the point of Dutch picking him up, the only thing he had to control Javier was the fact that nobody else would have taken him, Javier even says it himself, he’s so grateful to Dutch because nobody else would take him, and this is where I feel like the understanding of his relationship with Dutch gets lost for a lot of the fandom.

I see the term ‘blind loyalty’ flung around for him a lot, but I don’t think that’s the case. Yes, he lets things slide that likes of John and Arthur didn’t necessarily, likes of seeing the woman on the boat in the Blackwater job getting shot, but even saying that, Javier doesn’t see any of the other things Dutch does.

He is not there when Angelo Brontë is killed, he is not there for most of the Wapiti missions, he doesn’t see Dutch killing that woman in Guarma, largely, he doesn’t see Dutch doing anything out of the ordinary, and nobody speaks about these events specifically in camp, so it’s very likely Javier didn’t even know about them.

He also isn’t there for Dutch’s mental decline, so does not see how bad Dutch is getting over the course of the game, he is not personally involved with him in the same way enough to see any of that. All he knows of the situation is that his family is falling apart, and Dutch, the man who has just saved his life, either from death or from being sold as a slave (there is a slave trade for Mexicans in Saint Denis, a place we know Fussar is based in America), is telling him it’s John and Arthur’s fault that everything is going to shit.

Another point against it being ‘blind’ loyalty, is that Javier does question Dutch, he is one of the first to do so, at Clemens point he will ask Dutch what they’re doing and express his concerns to him, and he is immediately shot down for it. He visibly becomes nervous when Dutch lashes out at the ‘doubt’, and quickly agrees with him to settle things back out again, Javier does not like to be in a conflict with Dutch. He will question Dutch again on the way back from Guarma, expressing his concerns with Dutch going against the moral compass that is the whole reason Javier so strongly connects with Dutch, and again, Dutch will shoot him down and immediacy berate him for questioning it.

My personal opinion is that Javier has developed an anxious attachment style to Dutch. We know that his parents didn’t approve of Javiers actions in the revolution and that they wanted him to live the same life his father did, and overall while he expresses his love for his mother, he also expresses that he does not agree with his parents. Dutch is a parental figure who he believes shares the same views as him, who has taken him in when all odds were against him finding somewhere, and who we have seen gaslight Javier twice just in the time we see them interact in the game.

This is likely something that has happened previously to the game starting, and it’s conditioned Javier into not wanting to upset Dutch in fear of losing his place in the gang, it’s easier to trust him than to be kicked out and have nowhere to go.

Again, this is just a word vomit, don’t take anything I say as gospel, this is just my understanding of their dynamic!

As usual asks are always open and I always appreciate them <333

[honey-crypt]

Since you’re taking requests, what about Elliot head canons with a farmer with attachment issues?

(Have a great day)

a/n: i hope you have a great day, anon!

warnings: mental health issues

★ scared to love - elliott with a farmer who has attachment issues ★

★ you have an anxious attachment style due to childhood trauma and you don’t really talk about it with most people

★ however, this comes out as “clingy” or “obsessive” in the eyes of other people, especially past lovers

★ when you moved to stardew valley, you hoped to avoid getting into any sort of relationship because you a) didn’t want to get hurt again and b) didn’t want to scare your potential lover with your attachment issues

★ however, that all goes out the window when you meet the charming writer who lived by the seaside, elliott

★ after a few shenanigans and months of pining, you and elliott get together… but that’s when the anxious attachment style rears its ugly head

★ at first, elliott thinks nothing of it but as it progresses, it begins to greatly concern the writer

★ like the passive aggressiveness you would display whenever he would take his weekly trip to the beach or how you would avoid him whenever he brought up something as simple as seeing leah in the town square

★ he finally confronts you about it and you spill the beans about your attachment issues, how you ping pong between clingy and avoidant because you don’t want him to break his heart

★ elliott hugs you and tells you point blank that it’s not healthy and that you need help, he wants you to be happy and safe and that he will support you through this

★ you end up getting in touch with a therapist that harvey refers you to and are able to start working through your attachment issues

★ elliott takes you to every appointment, writes you letters of encouragement, and overall showers you with support/love while you address your attachement issues

[randomfoggytiger]

X-Files Attachment Styles: An Avoidance Shared by Two

Was reading this beautiful post and had some thoughts.

**Note**: Will ghost edit later~

In light of the Attachment styles posited by @agent-troi, it makes sense why Scully and Mulder developed their unspoken so early on.

If Mulder is Anxious-Avoidant, then it makes sense why he sidesteps voicing his needs and especially his wants, fearing rejection from his support system (parents, girlfriends, friends, partners, etc.)

If Scully is Secure-Avoidant, then it makes sense why she is able to balance a strong sense of self with the need for reciprocal affection and an inability to show her "weakness" or reliance on another person.

But because she's an intelligent woman, Scully would've realized Mulder communicates more efficiently with his hands and eye contact than with his words. Physical touch doesn't seem to be a problem from as early on as the Pilot; but keeping close proximity to her partner in strained moments that crack her "strength" is more of a challenge (ex. Irresistible, Memento Mori, Elegy, A Christmas Carol, Emily, etc.)

Despite Mulder being her priority since Tooms, it took Scully seven years to resolve her avoidant issues, making peace with her ability to pick the right choice (a fear stemming back to the rabbit she'd rescued and accidentally killed) and truly embracing life for what it was.

And because he's an intelligent man, Mulder would've realized Scully needs to hear reciprocal affection from time to time (or else, like you said, she jumps to Never Again and FTF and All Things conclusions.) Most of his compliments early on were spoken to the wind (E.B.E.'s "I think it's remotely plausible someone might think you're hot") or to other people (Irresistible's "pretty woman" and Syzygy's "rigid in a wonderful way", etc.) Never Again was the shakeup that caused Mulder to start making more advances towards Scully (as opposed to Home's rapid withdrawal when she angled his banter more seriously) progressing from "I knew you would tell me if I was making a mistake" to "You're my one in five billion" to "You kept me honest, made me a whole person" to, finally, "You are my constant, my touchstone."

Despite Scully being his priority since One Breath, it took Mulder four years to realize he could lose Scully and begin to dig deep and work hard to prove that he not only wanted but needed her. The real change happened over six years in-- "another life, another world"-- and culminated in an act of impulsive courage that led to their no-excuses-left-to-give kiss in Millennium.

(And isn't it interesting that both of their psychological pivots happened after getting a glimpse of what their life "could have been", i.e. Amor Fati and All Things respectively?)

Lastly, I think both of them recognized the Avoidant nature of the other: Scully had patience when Mulder ran off to the next big mystery instead of wanting a "normal" life with her (The Jersey Devil, bits in War of the Coprophages, Quagmire, Home, Detour, Dreamland, Arcadia, etc.); and Mulder didn't expect but learned to understand whenever Scully pushed him out of her personal walls (the slow build from Beyond the Sea to Never Again, Leonard Betts, Memento Mori, Elegy, Gethsemane, Emily, etc.)

(Sidenote: This dynamic would be yet another layer to their behavior in Never Again: Scully needed affirmation; but Mulder, having never seen or expected this side from her, thought she was gearing up to abandon him. By the end it's all cleared up... but neither is content with their separate but parallel awakenings-- my thoughts on the script here, in-depth meta here, and in-depth Typing post here.)

Conclusion?

Not much at this point, but I think the confident takeaway would be that-- really-- Mulder and Scully grew into their own with each other.

Thanks for reading~

Enjoy!

[asetoblog]

A Seto psychological assessment

So, I said I was gonna do this and now I finally did it. Behold, a Seto Kaiba psychological assessment about interpersonal relationships! (I'm gonna try to make this as simple as possible for everyone <3)

I'm gonna consider original dub Seto ONLY, since the american version totally fucked his character up.

ATTACHMENT STYLE

According to Ainsworth and Bowlby's studies there are 4 Attachment styles:

Anxious/Preoccupied

Avoidant/Dismissive (ding ding ding!)

Disorganized/Fearful

Secure

What are Attachment styles (or Internal Working Models)? In children, we can find that they behave in different ways according to the presence or absence of their parents in an environment: anxious children have a deep fear of being abandoned or left alone so they act really upset or even cry when their parents are not around; avoidant/dismissive children usually hate to depend on others and don't care if they are left alone (they like minding their business); disorganized children are harder to understand since they act fearful towards their parents but at the same time they want to be close to them; finally secure children have a healthy relationship with their parents.

I think you've already noticed which one fits Kaiba the most: of course he's gonna be an Avoidant child!

(Mind that I think his attachment style CHANGED after he and Mokuba got adopted by Gozaburo, so there's gonna be a paragraph about their biological parents' death, because I think Seto's behaviour was much different before the whole orphanage and adoption thing)

The attachment style of a child is of course going to define their behaviour as adolescents and adults. The attachment styles of teenager/adults are pretty much the same and now I'm gonna list any behaviour that confirms Seto's attachment (Avoidant/Dismissive): as the Adult Attachment Interview (the AAI, a psychological test) suggests, avoidant people tend to belittle or even ignore their own emotions concerning their relationships with anyone (Seto openly admits to love and care about Mokuba and no one else, but even this happens rarely in the series and when it does he's pretty much always ALONE, when no one can hear or see him. It happens only once in Noah's Arc in the anime, when he gives us that ssweet face in front of Yugi and Co). The fact that he avoids his emotions about relationships and attachment with caregivers is also held up by the fact that he never brings up his parents, nor even with Mokuba. In Noah's Arc only Mokuba says something about them; Seto doesn't answer. Avoidant people also tend to devaluate their attachment with their caregiver (in this case we're gonna consider Gozaburo as the “caregiver/parent” because he gave our boy big trauma): if I remember correctly, Seto says he stopped calling Gozaburo “father” at one point. HOWEVER, the rest of the Avoidant assessment doesn't really fit Seto's behaviour, because he remembers very well what Gozaburo did to him (being physically and psychologically abusive) and doesn't idealize him as a good parent (which is what Avoidant people tend to do), so I think he's got also a little bit of Preoccupied and Secure characteristics in him (I'm gonna talk about this in a sec) and I believe it's because he's got a little of the positive influence of his biological parents in him AND he's not an easy guy to control/influence.

According to the AAI, Secure teenagers/adults are fully conscious of the abuse they suffered (I think Seto totally is, he just – you know – AVOIDS it) and are able to find a way to be happy and healthy again (I mean, I don't really think made it to the end, but he's still young and he's got a long road ahead, maybe he'll fully heal some day and I believe he's capable of doing that, because we've already seen his character development since the begninning of manga to the movie DSOD. Mokuba has been his strength and, you may like it or not, Yugi and Co (especially Atem) being a good challenge, nosy and friendly helped him too, which is cute (also Atem and Jonouchi made him reconsider playing games for love and fun, instead of only winning, so he found that old spark he loved playing games for again). Also, this is a little unrelated to the attachment itself, but a Secure person can also be defined as an autonomous and functional adult and I think he is, since he's a freaking CEO(?).

Now, let's talk about the Preoccupied people a little: a part of the AAI says that some individuals feel anger and/or conflict towards one or both parents. I mean. I don't think I have to explain this one, but Seto perfectly shows he hasn't moved on from the hatred he feels fro Gozaburo (and rightly so, I might say lmao). In Battle City he destroys an entire Island just to get rid of Gozaburo's memory and Obelisk representes his wrath and hatred (the soundtrack itself is called Wrath of God).

So, there we have it: Seto's an Avoidant child/teen, with some Secure and Preoccupied behaviour.

Some time later, another theory entered the chat: Lyons-Ruth presented her classification system of the attachment adding new styles, which are Hostile and Helpless. HH behaviour indicates that traumas are still present and working (ouch).

Hostile individuals are busy trying to control their own unwanted emotions and feelings of vulnerability (lol, Seto I see you): they are pretty much in denial, trying to hide their feelings of fear and helplessness. They also tend to identify themselves as their abusive parent and they hate it (yeah... I mean, this is so Seto).

Now, as I said in the beginning, I'm gonna talk a little bit about his attachment style BEFORE the orphanage thing. Seto used to smile (a lot), play many different games with Mokuba (which suggests they grew up in a positive environment where the parents were loving and the family as a whole was functional, since there seemed to be no hostility betweet the two brothers), be supportive, be happy and active. This is important, because this indicates that the little guy had good caregivers (as I said the family was functional and he had and still has a good relationship with his younger brother) and that means: Secure attachment style. Being Secure means not freaking out about a caregiver's absence and this might be a little stretch since grief is no joke at all, but even if it's a traumatic event, Seto handled it like a champ. (Of course this doesn't mean that didn't hurt and he didn't suffer. Quite the contrary. But he's been very strong since childhood).

I think this is it for the attachment style! Moving on to ...

GRIEF IN CHILDREN

So, we all know Seto and Mokuba lost their parents in an accident when they were children (I think Seto was about 8 or 9 yo and Mokuba was 4). Studies suggest that 4 yo children start to understand how death works (it's irreversible and universal, that means that they know who dies won't come back and that everyone will have the same fate sooner or later), whilst 6 yo and older children fully understand other implications (e.g. vital functions - like breathing - stop, and so on).

Now, of course this is considered as a very traumatic event for children to go through, but they can be calmed if treated right. Which didn't happen with Seto and Mokuba of course (poor babies).

Not only they suffered the sudden loss of their parents, but they also had to face heartless relatives who didn't want them and abandoned them in an orphanage. At that point Seto decided to step in as a father for Mokuba, which is HUGE for an 8 yo child who doesn't even know to tie his shoes yet (but is really great at chess, yo!)(just kidding).

What the studies tell us is that children who suffer a sudden loss of their parents also lose their only source of safety and support, which will make them feel like they're in danger and abandoned. What emotional reactions this may cause: sadness, anger, anxiety, apathy, shame and guilt. I'm pretty sure Seto felt all of this, but ignored it and tried to stay focused for Mokuba, which is sweet and a great proof of psychological stregth.

Physical symptoms: headaches (I'm sure Seto gets a lot of them), anxiety, sleep disorders (like, come on...), always scared of what could happen to other people (you may argue Seto doesn't give a shit about anybody, but everytime Yugi and Co are in danger, Seto's always there ready to help even if he doesn't admit it), always on the alert.

However, the most interesting bit is what a loss like this causes to children's relationship with their peers: they start to isolate themselves and start to show aggressive or hostile behaviour, which is exactly what Seto does. He's definitely a loner even as a teenager and he's a little hostile and dismissive towards everybody, especially his peers.

So, I think that's all...? If anything else comes to mind I will edit this post and add it, but I think that's pretty much it. I hope you enjoyed this!

PS: I'm sorry if there are mistakes or weird sentences, english is not my first language. I tried! 💀

[herejusttosufferalong]

I have some thoughts I don’t think have been shared yet regarding L & A. I know we all sense this relationship has an expiration date, but I’d like to take it a step further on why I believe we collectively see it with more nuance. I’ll state first that this is just my opinion based on what I’ve seen come out of L/A on social media. However I don’t know them personally, so keep that in mind. Based on what we’ve seen L say regarding his anxiety/adhd and his behavior with past relationships publicly, I’ve always perceived that L has an anxious attachment style when it comes to his personal relationships. 

With that said, I think A also has an anxious attachment style based on the way she behaves on SM and the constant need to “claim” L in whatever way she can. The need to post anything that draws attention to herself whenever she feels “threatened” by BTon/N content.

The thing here is that two people with anxious attachment style can make a relationship work because they understand each other on a different level. They tend of bond over their fears and insecurities which bonds them emotionally at the early stages of a relationship. They then provide each other with mutual understanding and validation. I feel like the Anon’s that send in the “A & L are endgame” posts say this because they recognize the attachment style between the two of them. It’s more than likely they they also have an anxious attachment style; we tend to look for confirmation bias. 

While these relationships can work for a while; they usually don’t. It’s also statistically unlikely without professional help. These connections tend to be based on shared anxieties and not on genuine compatibility.  Inevitability both parties will need more from the other person, usually more than the other person can give. There is a higher level of conflict, controlling behaviors in attempt to easy their own anxiety, and it eventually the communication becomes challenging.

For two people with anxious attachment styles to successfully manage a relationship; they both need to do personal healing/growth individually, set boundaries around their relationship, and ultimately encourage independence from one another to build trust and reduce anxiety. As of right now, we see L and A together none stop since the London premiere so it’s safe to say that they aren’t encouraging that independence; instead they are leaning into their co-dependency. This is a lot of work, something that I don’t think L is ready to do. It requires a lot of maturity on the mans part. Also I believe A is too young to have the self awareness to acknowledge her attachment style and understand the work it would take to make this a long lasting relationship. If they do end up making this relationship work long term then I’ll be the first to give them all the deserved kudos for putting in the level of work required, as most mature adults can barely make relationships thrive long term. However, IMO they’ll hit an expiration date at some point. 

I have some additional thoughts on Nic/Luke as well around attachment style if anyone is interested? 

while i personally pegged this to L a long time ago I never even considered it for A but it makes a lot of sense.

would absolutely love to hear your thoughts on N/L

[raventhedracovis]

tell us about wordgirl bestie!

Will gladly use this as an opportunity to talk about a few headcanons that are canon in mine and @c0de-0f-the-clans reboot!

I'll stick with the characters we've done line ups for for now. Which would be: Becky/Wordgirl, Huggy, Tobey, Dr. Two-Brains, Chuck, The Butcher, Charlie, The Other Henchman, The Whammer, Invisi-Bill, Big Left Hand Guy, Ms. Question, and The Coach.

Becky/Wordgirl (or course we're starting with the girl herself):

Bi. She just is. I don't make the rules. Yes I do >:3

Non-binary but uses she/her pronouns. Comes from noticing in the show how casual she is with referring to herself as "mister". Even lampshaded in the Thanksgiving episode when she says "no more mister nice Becky! ... Or miss Becky. Either one :)".

She's got two birthdays, the day her parents adopted her and the approximate date she was actually born. Her birthday is always celebrated September 28th, but her actual birthday is closer to December 16th.

Part of the reason Becky sucks at art so much is because she sees way more colors than humans can perceive. A color combination that looks good to her just looks ugly or like the same shade of brown. Though even without the whole "painting with colors beyond human perception" thing she just generally sucks at art.

Becky is autistic and stims by pulling and messing with her hair. We also decided she has a bee necklace and she fidgets with it too.

Her full name is Rebecca but goes by Becky.

She's currently 4'5" and the shortest in her grade. When she's all grown up she's going to tower over her friends at around six feet (or more).

Bob/Captain Huggy Face:

Captain Huggy Face is not his real name (or title but I'll get to that in a later post). It's just the name Wordgirl came up with on the spot.

Just like Becky, Bob is only his nickname. Robert is his full name in the family.

Pan.

Non-binary as well. Just his vibes.

By Lexicon standards, he's considered colorblind. By Earth standards, he's not fhdh.

In his late 20's, but part of the reason is for a different post.

Chuck the Evil Sandwich-Making Guy

Trans man <3

Demi pan.

Chuck's full name is Charles Edward Guy.

Chuck is in his early 20's, a headcanon we pulled thanks to a flashback in the show where Tim and Sally are clearly around the same age they found and adopted Becky but Chuck is oh so small.

Dr. Two-Brains

He stands at 6'5" but slouches a lot and therefore looks more like 6'3".

Technically has three birthdays! One for Steven, one for Squeaky, and one for the day the two fused.

Pan. Can and will flirt with anyone and everything.

In his late 30's.

The Henchmen

The other henchman is Joey Meatball. We both had different ideas of what his name was and thought the combined name was funny.

The two are romantically involved <3

Charlie is 6'7", the other one is 5'2".

Both are in their 40's.

The Butcher

He's 6'9". Big man.

His full name is Jack Edison Shepherd Jr. He went by Butch for a while as a kid, and it kind of stuck.

Bi

The reason he struggles with words so much is because he has an expressive language disorder.

In his early 40's.

Tobey

While he was the tallest kid in 5th grade, he's only gonna be 5'4" all grown up, and it's going to make him so, so mad jhkdg.

We have also hit him with the autism beam.

He had braces at some point, as evidenced by a retainer that can be seen by his bed in most episodes. We have however, just given him braces in our reboot.

Tobey has anxious attachment style. Something I can literally talk about in paragraphs (and have. Twice.) and will probably share another day.

His birthday is reverse pi, 4/13.

The Whammer

The Whammer is half Greek, half Texan, and 100% professional wrestler. His father is a Greek immigrant who got into the professional wrestling career where he met The Whammer's mother, a professional wrestler from Texas.

His real name is Adam Minos.

Was supposed to follow in his parents' footprints and apprenticed under his dad. Unfortunately, his powers where deemed illegal for use in the ring.

In his early 20's.

He's 5'8".

Gay.

Invisi-Bill

He is romantically involved with Big Left Hand Guy. :]

In his early 30's.

He has ADHD.

Stands at about 5'11".

Gay.

Big Left Hand Guy

He is romantically involved with Invisi-Bill. :]

He's related to one of the reoccurring bank security guards.

Has anxiety.

In his late 30's.

He's 5'1".

Gay.

Ms. Question

Trans and non-binary. She's non-binary in the sense that she dodges any questions about her gender. No matter what, she will make you second guess yourself when you try to give her a label.

She's Afro-Latina.

Bicurious, because she's also dodge the question jdfkgh.

Her civilian name is Anne Neasia.

In her early 30's.

Very tall woman. Stands at 6'.

The Coach

The Coach has dwarfism. He stands at 4'8".

He's related to Timmy Tim-Bo. It's why he keeps him around.

In his late 40's.

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

My thoughts and feelings. 17/08/2024

As an autistic person I sometimes find it difficult to know where my friends begin and where I end. What I mean by this is, sometimes I struggle to know what hobbies I like or if these hobbies are just what my friends like.

Take for example my best friend, she likes to collect blythe dolls. I see how she does their hair and dresses them up and I think to myself, oh wow they look amazing. And that's not wrong, because they really do. They are so adorable, and to be honest I really would like to own one.

Now here is where the problem is, let's say I save up and purchase one for myself, then what? Sure it will look adorable, but will I really spend time with it like my friend does? Or will it just sit there collecting dust?

The idea of it just sitting there collecting dust honestly makes me sad. You see, when I see my friend taking care of hers and taking hers out on trips and spending her time on dressing it up, I can see the excitement in her eyes and on her face, I can see how much joy having the doll brings to her, I can see the comfort to she gets.

Now I know the doll is not alive like in the movie "Toy Story", but I do believe that the things we own, the things that become sentimental to us do carry a little bit of our souls.

To be clear I'm not saying the doll is alive in any way shape or form or that they even truly have souls in the way that we perceive that people do. But there's just something about owning a plush toy or doll or any comfort item for that matter that we can become attached to, it just kind of seems to take on a little bit of our personality. In the same way we associate things with people we know. its the way we can relate to them as a form of comfort.

Take myself for example, I'm almost 45 yet I wear cat ears when ever I leave the house, they have become a comfort item of mine, when wearing them I just feel safer, I feel I'm better equipped to interact with the rest of the world.

If I didn't have them on of course I could still do all these things, however I would just feel more anxious and less likely to want to engage with others. Having comfort items for myself has allowed me to come out my shell a little when ever I'm in public. That and cat ears just look so darn cute.

Another example for you is, my partner wears 50s style dresses, and because she looks so beautiful in them, I myself have started buying 50s style dresses. I also look amazing in them (a little bit of self love for you there.) My point is, I don't really know what i truly like. I tend to just be a mixture of all my friends. So who really am I? What do I truly like? I'm currently in the process of saving up for a sewing machine, I'm doing this because I saw someone online making outfits for Sylvanian Families. (that was all it took). Now apparently I plan to sew.

Which by the way, on that topic, I have already collected over 50 different families. I plan to display them at some point, but we need to buy cabinets first. Otherwise my cats will just start testing gravity on them. (And I don't want to see them all over the livingroom floor).

My point is, will I even enjoy sewing? I honestly have no idea, as I honestly don't even know what I like, or even if I'll enjoy sewing. You see, I just tend to do things on autopilot without over thinking them.

Either way, these are just the thoughts I'm having at the moment, and to be honest I don't know how I feel about it all. I look at my best friend and she amazes me, she has so many different hobbies. Then I look at my partner and I think how wonderful she is and how she manages to play so many different video games. I on the other hand just seem to play the same video game for many years upon years. I currently have over 500 different games on my steam to choose from, (most of which I got on 75% off sales). The thing is, when I tend to buy games, I think to myself they look amazing I think that game would be lots of fun, but then I buy them and never play them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I just wish I had more direction in my life, and maybe more understanding of who I am, and what I like.

Does anyone else who is autistic ever feel this way?

[wikipedie]

jisbon and attachment styles and why the pike storyline actually makes a lot of sense despite us hating it*

(* and also why they couldn’t be together until after Red John was dead despite us preferring they were together earlier)

In this post I will talk about attachment styles, Lisbon and Jane’s traumas and the likely reasons that they developed their attachment styles and how they manifest in their relationships, including their relationship with each other. (+ the reason they’re still quite careful with each other in S7 and struggle to be vulnerable with each other) This will be a bit in depth so I ask you to be cautious while reading - do not hesitate to ask for help or support if you can. There is a risk in here, as I will be talking about their traumas (particularly their childhood abuse and neglect) so if it is a potentially sensitive subject for you, proceed with caution (or not at all, I suppose.)

All my thanks go to @chakramchaser, this would not have been possible without you being both willing to ramble with me and continuing the ideas and connecting some excellent dots. I appreciate you.

[Transcript - Discord chat:

wikipe: okay so teresa is disorganized style while patrick is avoidant most likely. Which makes their dynamic fascinating, now that i think about it. Teresa has moments when she’s anxious, but mostly she tends to avoid.

chakramchaser:

ITS WHY IT TAKES LITERALLY A DECADE

CUZ THEY JUST AVOIDDDD

Also the serial killer in the way blah blah ]

For the purposes of this post, I will only talk about the disorganized and the avoidant attachment styles. (https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/)

Disorgnized Style

The disorganized type tends to show unstable and ambiguous behaviors in their social bonds.

For adults with this style of attachment, the partner and the relationship themselves are often the source of both desire and fear.

Fearful-avoidant people do want intimacy and closeness, but at the same time, experience troubles trusting and depending on others.

They do not regulate their emotions well and avoid strong emotional attachment, due to their fear of getting hurt.

Avoidant Style:

The dismissing / avoidant type would often perceive themselves as ‘lone wolves’: strong, independent, and self-sufficient; not necessarily in terms of physical contact, but rather on an emotional level.

These people have high self-esteem and a positive view of themselves.

The dismissing / avoidant type tend to believe that they don’t have to be in a relationship to feel complete.

They do not want to depend on others, have others depend on them, or seek support and approval in social bonds.

Adults with this attachment style generally avoid emotional closeness. They also tend to hide or suppress their feelings when faced with a potentially emotion-dense situation.

Do these styles sound like some beloved characters we know?

Teresa Lisbon

(Season 7, episode 7 - The Yellow House)

[Transcript - Teresa Lisbon: Somebody had to be responsible.]

A disorganized / fearful-avoidant attachment style develops when the child’s caregivers – the only source of safety – become a source of fear. In adulthood, people with this attachment style are extremely inconsistent in their behavior and have a hard time trusting others.

"Driven to succeed to the point of developing an ulcer, no tolerance for superiors less sharp than yourself, shutting out girls that wanted to hang out with you, blowing off boys that want to get close. All the while, at every turn, wondering 'what is it I really want?' "

I will pull up her past with the help of the Mentalist wikia, since it is quite coherent and well said: 

“Her mother was killed by a drunk driver when she was twelve (Red Badge). In the episode Red Tide, it is implied that she had to take over her mother’s role and care for her family at a young age. In Little Yellow House, Lisbon tells Jane that she had to be the parent to her brothers after the death of her mother. It is implied that her family life was not an easy one even before the death of her mother. Lisbon tells her brother Jimmy that someone in the household had to be responsible because, "You know what Mom and Dad were like." After her mother’s death, her father's drinking either started or worsened and he ended up killing himself. It isn't specified whether he did this accidentally or on purpose. Lisbon said that he “damn near killed me and my brothers too,” leaving both possibilities open. It may have been something like another drunken car accident, or simply neglect. In Red Badge Lisbon mentions that her father used to be violent, as he once beat one of her brothers half to death and didn't remember doing so. Apparently her father suffered blackouts when he drank.“ 

That is a whole load of “source of fear.” She lost the sense of safety pretty early in life and I argue that she no longer knows what safety feels like. On top of the trauma of losing her parents, there is the trauma of parentification that is implied she’s had to do from a very young age, taking care of her brothers to the best of her abilities.

This style shows up in simple ways: She both craves the intimacy of relationships and rejects it, fears it. Stability feels foreign to her.

She breaks off an engagement with Greg, and she does not seem to have any serious stable relationships during her time at CBI. (“You’re too intense and particular for a man like that.” “Whatever happened to that guy from Narcotics?” “Jeff? He bit his nails.” “That’s particular.”)

She is wistful for a good and loving relationship but she doesn’t know how to keep it, runs away at the opportunity.

Through these lenses, the relationship with Pike makes sense: She is tired of waiting for a man who might never actually love her, she finds a good man in Pike, she longs for the stability and beauty that a relationship with him might provide, while also being terrified of it (and longing for Jane, of course). She is absolutely terrified when Pike asks for her hand in marriage. Of course, you could argue that it is sudden, unexpected, too soon and any woman would panic. But I want to bring up the fact that she doesn’t say “No” immediately, though. She wants to make it work, or to think about it. Or to see if Jane would care.  (And I am firmly convinced that she might have said no to the marriage regardless if she left with him to D.C.)

She says “Yes.” But she does it while running away from Jane, who lied to her and manipulated her again and hurt her again. She says Yes to Pike, but doesn’t even listen to what he says afterwards, just looks out at the hotel where she left Jane.

And then, in the end, she leaves Pike too. Pike looks at Jane in Season 7, tells him that he had a life and a family to offer to Teresa, but I think Teresa is just as afraid of them as much as she craves them. She does not know stability, she does not know how to accept to be taken care of or work through the issues of her relationships for most of the show. She also is not sure of what she likes or wants for most of the show. (Even as she seems that she does, burying herself in her work, the only stable thing for her.)

She learns how to do these things slowly in the relationship with Jane. In Season 7 she starts being more vocal about her likes and dislikes, even with minor things (such as randomly saying that she likes s’mores). Opening up also allows her to deepen her connection to her brothers, whom she had avoided as well for most of her life. She shares her struggles, realizes where she was short-sighted and tries to do better about opening up. At the end of Episode 7, she feels comfortable enough to tell Jane that she loves him, too. And at the end, she’s no longer running away. She’s waiting. “What do you need?” “Time.” “Okay, I can give you time.”

Patrick Jane

(Season 7, episode 3 - Orange Blossom Ice Cream)

[Transcript - Erica Flynn: Patrick likes to pretend that he's this lone wolf.]

Parents who are strict and emotionally distant, do not tolerate the expression of feelings, and expect their child to be independent and tough might raise children with an avoidant attachment style. As adults, these children appear confident and self-sufficient. They do not tolerate emotional or physical intimacy and might not be able to build healthy relationships. What’s more, in the workplace, they are often seen as the independent, ‘lone wolf’. It is, however, possible for these individuals to change and develop a secure attachment style.

There is less known about Patrick Jane’s past than about Teresa. Again, the Mentalist wikia says it better than I ever could: 

“He had a rough existence with his father, the only adult in his life, whose treatment and use of him was tantamount to child abuse. When Patrick refused to scam a dying girl and her grandmother, his father threatened him and forced him to do it. Jane later said that he never went to high school, presumably due to the nomadic carny life. Alex exploited Patrick for his skills, since he was very young. In Red John's Rules it is implied that Jane spent some time in foster care as a child.

Alex had a wedding ring on his hand, but Jane's mother was not mentioned in any flashbacks, so it is likely that she died or abandoned them.”

Jane’s childhood is one of neglect and abuse, peppered with some happy memories. His father makes it clear that he views taking care of Jane as being Jane’s responsibility, and moreover, that Jane owes it to him because he’s taken care of him up until then. (“I’ve been carrying you for a long time and it’s not getting any easier, son.” - Season 2, Episode 10, Throwing Fire) He either helps his father with his schemes or he is on his own.

Therefore, in adulthood, he is on his own. He struggles to let people in, struggles to accept help and accept partnership. He considers himself the smartest person in the room because he has to be - it’s a way to survive and he has nothing else.

As seen when he loses all memory of his family, the original childhood trauma makes him more callous and uncaring, having no limits and no boundaries (nor caring about others’ boundaries). It’s only him and nobody else. 

It is likely that Angela was his moral compass. (as it is implied a few times that she was done with the carny life and the tricks) Even so, chakramchaser made a very valid point: “he still ran from it then - why else would he be running an empire of psychic cons. bro had way more money than he needed he just was addicted to the thrill. i feel like he thrived on the unpredictability.” 

Over the course of the show, we see that he begins to trust other people (mainly Lisbon and the main team). However, he still struggles to let them in, either in his life and in his plans. He goes by himself in most of his plans, informing the team of the minimum necessary for them to know in order to execute the plan flawlessly. He makes more of an effort towards the end of the show and especially after he and Lisbon get together, but his first instinct is still to do things by himself. He cares, but he struggles to convey this directly, preferring to buy them gifts (to show that he knows them), to offer compliments, help them or at the worst, con his way (tricking Lisbon into staying for longer instead of telling her that he doesn’t want her to go).

However, we can notice an important shift after Red John dies and especially after he and Lisbon get together. Despite the fact he still struggles to communicate his feelings, he tries. Opening up towards Lisbon allows him to open up more towards others as well. For example, he makes an effort to inform Abbott when he has a plan that could be dubious (and tells him that he won’t be informed of the specifics in order to have deniability).

Healing comes through the good relationships that we form and we can definitely see this with Jane.

Jane and Lisbon - their relationship

After more than a decade of a deep friendship, Jane and Lisbon decided to become a couple after Lisbon got engaged to another man and was about to be out of Jane’s life. The common perspective is that they could not get together until Red John was dead, because Jane was determined to kill him and in turn Red John was obsessed with picking on him.

That is half of the story. The other half is that they are an disorganized/avoidant couple, do not really consider intimacy safe and do not really know how to express it unless it’s in high stakes. (That being the main reason Jane confessed his feelings in a big “rushing-to-the-airport-and-telling-you-the-truth-as-you-leave” moment.) As an example, I will show the moment from S4 that everyone and their mother is familiar with. I will transcribe underneath the pictures and then I will write my perspective in regards to what they think and feel.

(Season 4, episode 24 - The Crimson Hat)

[Transcript:

Lisbon, not looking Jane in the eyes: So, that thing you said before you shot me.

Lisbon, looking down: What did you mean?

[Jane looks contemplative for a few seconds, before saying]

Jane, with a slight smile: What did I say?

Jane, no smile: I was kind of hyped up.

Lisbon, looking at him now and sounding relieved: Me too. I thought at any moment we were gonna get found out.]

My perspective is as follows: Lisbon has a disorganized attachment style (or should I say…Messy?).

(Season 1, Episode 14 - Crimson Casanova)

[Transcript - Patrick Jane: Messy women make good lovers.]

This means she desires both closeness and distance. She asks Jane what he meant by telling her “Take care, Teresa. Love you.”, but she cannot look him in the eye. She does not know if it’s a confession and she does not know if she wants it to be a confession. She is not ready for this.

Jane, who did not expect her to call him out on this, takes a while to figure out how to respond to this. He is definitely not ready for this kind of intimacy. Whether the confession was a slip or not, he did not intend to talk about this afterwards. Therefore, he decides to go with “I don’t remember what I said.” I think the presence of the smile and the serious face afterwards is indicative enough. He knows she will not say the words out loud.

And she doesn’t. Moreover, she seems just as relieved for this excuse, since she decides to look at him in the eyes now.

In the fanfiction that I’ve read, a lot of people interpret Lisbon as being slightly annoyed or even downright upset about Jane pretending to not remember telling her “I love you”, but I don’t think she was. I think the perspective was both enticing and scary for her (another example pinpointing this is Pike asking for her hand in marriage).

Now, how does this change when they are in a relationship? They start to communicate more and express their likes and desires more, as well as listen to each other. (“You wore a vest. I like it.”) Their early traumas still haven’t disappeared, but they work through them together: they still have a tendency to brush off their emotions and say “It’s nothing, I’m fine”, Jane runs away for a bit when he is trying to figure out how to deal with the idea of Lisbon dying, and Lisbon remains to be responsible and deal with their feelings. But - they talk. Jane confesses to being terrified of losing her, Lisbon remains clear that she loves both Jane and the job. What seems initially as running away turns out to be running towards. It is true that he could’ve told her before, but it’s likely that he didn’t know what was going on either until he found the house. Jane was trying to find a way to deal with his intrusive terror. And yea, my guy would’ve benefitted from some therapy, but a new hobby (such as renovating a house) is the next best thing really. He comes back to her.

In conclusion, I think a lot of their decisions and instincts and fears can be explained by their attachment styles. The way their relationship evolves is absolutely fascinating. Honestly I find it really beautiful that two terrified people used to running away decide to stay for each other and come back to each other and do better to each other and for each other. Their final perp catch is done as a team.

(season 7, episode 13 - White Orchids)

References:

https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/disorganized-attachment/

https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/avoidant-attachment-style/

https://thementalist.fandom.com/wiki/Teresa_Lisbon

https://thementalist.fandom.com/wiki/Patrick_Jane

[emotionallychargedtowel]

Pursuer-distancer roles & attachment style in Utsukushii Kare, Part 1: Hira

Note: As I write this, only the first episode of season 2 has been released. This is based on season 1, episode 1 of season 2, and (sparingly) on translated bits of the novel that I’ve read. There seem to be some issues with the current subtitles so impressions could change as better fansubs come out or if streaming ones are improved. I’m watching the show on Viki so any quoted dialogue is from their subs.

I wrote about pursuer-distancer dynamics in this previous post. Now I’m going to dig deeper into how they play out in Utsukushii Kare. I recommend checking out the more detailed explanation of pursuer and distancer roles in that post, but I’ll give a super concentrated summary now as well.

So, a pursuer-distancer dynamic in a relationship occurs when one person takes on the role of emotionally pursuing while the other takes on the role of emotionally distancing. These roles are deeply interrelated—they rely on each other in order to work. It’s difficult to sit with the fact that we both crave intimacy and fear it/need some degree of independence. But that difficulty can be avoided if one person expresses all the need for closeness in a relationship while the other expresses all the need for independence. Neither of these strategies really work, but they are meant to fail, at least partially. It’s a “careful what you wish for” situation. If pursuers got all of the intimacy they seek, they’d be overloaded, and if distancers got all the space they asked for, they’d be lonely. Hence the part where they rely on one another to work, to help them fail in the ways they need to.

(Screenshot via MDL by ruiLIKK)

In many ways, Hira is the epitome of a pursuer. I think it’s what makes him fit the role of a seme so well despite constantly putting himself in a subservient position and even refusing direct overtures from Kiyoi. Like most pursuers, Hira seems to want closeness with the person he loves but his covert fears of intimacy and need for independence cause him to sabotage his own efforts. What’s less typical are some of the strategies he uses both to seek intimacy and covertly avoid it, as I’ll talk about more below. 

Pursuers are often people with a preoccupied (or “anxious”) attachment style. In Attachment in Psychotherapy, David Wallin describes preoccupied patients as people whose formative experiences taught them that the best way to get their needs met was by “mak[ing] their own distress too conspicuous to ignore.” This would make sense for Hira. His parents (portrayed more in the novels than the show) seem to be disengaged most of the time, but they spring into action when they get worried (a prime example is when they take him to see a medical provider about his stutter and buy him an expensive camera). By the time of the main story, he mostly seems to mask his distress so they’ll leave him alone. But at that point, those early experiences have already had their effect.

Hira’s experiences with peers have been uniformly terrible, and they are also a type of formative experience. As I’ve said, it’s commonplace to have a fear of intimacy as well as a desire for it. But Hira’s history with people his own age would definitely worsen his fears of being close to others. At the same time, these same negative experiences and the fears they’ve created have isolated him, making his need for intimacy even more acute. Like I said in my previous post, Hira is intensely ambivalent about intimacy. (So is Kiyoi, but that’ll have to wait for part 2.)

In his discussion of preoccupied attachment, Wallin goes on to say that the making-distress-conspicuous approach to getting needs met renders the preoccupied person “hypervigilant for actual or imagined signs that a relationship partner might be disapproving, withdrawn, or rejecting.” Yep, this is classic Hira.

As much as possible, Hira interprets everything that Kiyoi says or does negatively—as meaning that Kiyoi doesn’t love him, won’t stay with him, won’t meet his needs, and could never approve of him. If necessary, he’ll create a reason for concern out of nothing. 

When you see Kiyoi making this face and his hair starts billowing in a mysterious breeze, you’re inside Hira’s mind witnessing a complete fabrication. (Screenshot via MDL by doramasaurusrex)

At the same time, Hira definitely pursues Kiyoi. His relentless staring communicates his interest. He takes every opportunity to be around Kiyoi. When he gets to communicate with Kiyoi privately, he’s all compliments and reverence. His willingness to do whatever it takes to be near Kiyoi, even behave like a servant, is also a form of pursuit. But, like all pursuers, he has built-in safeguards against accidentally getting (too much of) the intimacy he wants but also fears:

First, he chose a seemingly unattainable object. When Hira first fell for Kiyoi, he wasn’t aware of all the reasons Kiyoi might actually be capable of returning his feelings. Even setting aside his negative bias, he had every rational reason to believe that Kiyoi was unlikely to ever love him back.

By the time it turns out that Kiyoi may not be completely out of his reach, Hira has had a chance to observe his distancing tendencies. Just choosing a distancer as a potential partner is a way of decreasing the risk that you’ll get more than you bargained for by pursuing them. 

Next, when Kiyoi builds a kind of friendship with him and even kisses him on graduation day, he changes his phone number. Perhaps he really is unaware that he can replace his submerged phone without changing his number. But personally, I really wonder if a part of him did this intentionally. At the very least, he could still have asked about keeping his number or tried to contact Kiyoi to give him the new one. He had real reason to hope Kiyoi might like him back (if nothing else, the kiss!) and whether by neglect or (on some level) intentionally, he made further contact impossible.

The most pervasive and destructive way that Hira sabotages his own efforts at intimacy with Kiyoi is through his distorted thoughts, including the biased interpretations and pure fabrications I mentioned above. He creates a narrative that says that:

Kiyoi is permanently superior to him, rendering him permanently out of reach

To whatever extent he does attain intimacy with Kiyoi, or even seek it, this is a kind of crime against nature (“touching a god”) that will undoubtedly cause some kind of unstoppable cosmic misfortune as a punishment,

Relatedly, any intimacy with Kiyoi can only be temporary.

This last factor leads me to one other thing I should mention. I was thinking about how I’d conceptualize Hira’s personality. I looked at my favorite book on the subject, Nancy McWilliams’s Psychoanalytic Diagnosis. I felt like I should check out the chapter on self-defeating/masochistic personality (note: not related to masochistic sexual practices!) but was reminded that people of that type are typically more resentful of what they see as undeserved suffering. Hira, on the other hand, perceives himself as completely deserving to suffer. So I looked at the chapter on depressive personality. The main defense depressive personalities use, McWilliams writes, is introjection: turning any hostile feelings inward toward the self. Much more like Hira. This is totally consistent with his pervasive sense of doom, hopelessness about improving his lot in life, and inability to take in positive comments about himself.

Of course, despite his self-sabotage, Hira does actually want to be close to Kiyoi. And he achieves that, in some ways. Pursuers do want intimacy, as their self-presentation suggests, they just tend to create conditions that decrease the chances they will get as much of it as they claim to want. So Hira sabotages his chances of getting his needs met. And every time he does get close to Kiyoi, he feels like he is adding to his list of crimes or the amount of suffering he’ll have to go through later to make up for any joy he feels. It’s like a form of emotional avoidance that dovetails with his behavioral avoidance.

Take, for example, his thoughts (delivered in voiceover) while on his outing with Kiyoi in S2E1. “They say the amount of happiness one feels is predetermined. In that case I may have only misfortune in my future. Kiyoi might dump me. Kiyoi might hate me. Kiyoi might die before me. What should I do then?” I don’t know who “they” are supposed to be here, but this is not an idea I’ve ever encountered in any culture or religion, except maybe Calvinism or something. It seems like Hira has just seized on a somewhat random idea, but this idea feels true because of his self-defeating narrative. It comes as no surprise, then, that when Hira starts ruminating about these possible future misfortunes, he stops himself from experiencing closeness with Kiyoi in that moment—which does not go unnoticed by Kiyoi. “Don’t live in your own world,” he tells Hira. “We’re hanging out in this one.” It barely seems to register with Hira that Kiyoi looks irritated and hurt. Clearly, Hira’s distractibility and negativity when he’s trying to enjoy his company is painful to him. And again, he has managed not only to detract from his enjoyment of the closeness he has with Kiyoi, but also to sabotage the potential for closeness in the interaction he’s having with Kiyoi in the present.

(Screenshot via MDL by ruiLIKK)

It’s worth noting that a related kind of distorted perception seems to affect Hira in other situations where people are showing an interest in him romantically and/or sexually. Take his interaction with that model at the party in S2E1 for example. He’s extremely gullible when he believes her claim that the other attendees are angry with him and think he’s rude. And though he registers that she’s getting close to him and touching him in a way that makes him uncomfortable, he doesn’t seem to understand that she’s putting the moves on him or that she’s interested in him. He’s beyond surprised when Kiyoi shows him the piece of paper with her phone number that she slipped into his pocket.

Watching that scene, I asked myself if I had just failed to notice before that Hira had a profound lack of social awareness. But then I thought about where this had come up and where it hadn’t. Hira shows social awareness in other situations, like when he observes what goes on between the students in Shirota’s circle in high school. It seems he’s only this clueless when it comes to admitting others might like him. The same happened with Koyama, when Hira seemed unaware that they were on a date. Hira does lack social skills in a lot of ways, but his awareness isn’t that bad except in this area. The main issue seems to be that anyone being attracted to or interested in him is classified as “impossible.” This is how, in S1E6, he not only turned down Kiyoi offering to date him but managed not to remember it ever happened.

That’s it for now on Hira’s side of the equation. I have part 2, on Kiyoi, almost ready to post as well, so that should be up pretty soon. Edited to add: I forgot to include another side of Hira’s pursuing role in his relationship with Kiyoi: pursuing sexual intimacy specifically. We get new information about this aspect of Hira and Kiyoi’s relationship in S2E1 in a couple of scenes. In the opening scene, once Kiyoi is awake, Hira asks if he’s angry with him for being “too persistent” the previous day. We don’t know for certain what this persistence was about, but their mutual shyness about it and Hira’s reference to it being caused by Kiyoi’s cuteness suggest that he was hitting on Kiyoi. We don’t know the outcome of it, though. The other moment happens when, after the incident with the model stirs up Kiyoi’s possessiveness, he (bashfully) announces that he and Hira are going to “do it” that day (resulting in a huge grin from a surprised Hira). It’s interesting—and simultaneously endearing and strange—that on the one hand, he can just decide this for the two of them (assumably because Hira always jumps at the chance), which gives him an air of imperiousness, but on the other, that he’s so uncharacteristically shy about it. Both of these scenes are very consistent with Hira’s role as a pursuer. He seems less ambivalent about this type of closeness than others, but he also seems to respect for Kiyoi’s boundaries (”persistence” notwithstanding). Basically, he seems to be on board with being the one petitioning for sexual contact while Kiyoi acts as more of a gatekeeper.