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I am approaching this wicked musical the way you would approach a wounded tiger you're not sure will attack you or not
#i have no idea where this will go#I have a bad feeling tho#idk how they can incorporate#much more of the Wicked book into the musical#without it getting really messy#the easiest things to include#would've been like#making Fiyero black and having the other party character#and like#more dr dillamond#and more madame morrible#idk#idk what they're doing#i can't wait to see ariana grande's glinda tho#it'll be interesting for sure#but I think popular will be fun with her
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Dungeon Meshi: Delicious in RPG!
(Sprites + bonus art here!)
#dungeon meshi#game dev diary#laios touden#marcille donato#chilchuck tims#senshi#Walking mushroom...more like watch where you are walking mushroom! Get blasted!#This was a tech & art demo to figure out how to make more dynamic battle portraits.#Unfortunately the coding has been a lot more difficult than anticipated...We couldn't show off what we wanted to!#I still learned a ton of new things that will going to make this project look even better!#Doing these tech demos with fan art has been extremely helpful becuase I can get through my messy learning stage-#-without having to redo a ton of assets because I found out that I needed to approach things a different way.#That said: I *will* be posting Original Content for these game dev diary posts fairly soon!#This is all to help me and my game dev partner experiment with RPG maker for our own game after all B*)#I'm really excited to share this project with you all! I have many funny comics about the characters from this game to share.
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"Stop saying Crowley won't help Aziraphale in S3 he'd go back to him in a HEARTBEAT and nothing would stop him" I get it no one likes the idea of Crowley being bitter after what happened for a long period of time but like can we at least acknowledge that he's currently going through probably the most emotional pain in his life since falling? Can we agree that he's opened his heart entirely - something you couldn't pay him to do unless the world is literally ending and he's desperate - to Aziraphale, and got shot down? Can we understand that he did it AGAIN only to lose Aziraphale again? Not that what Aziraphale did isn't without Crowley's own shortcomings (hiding the truth of Heaven's cruelty from him) but like,,,,
The appeal here isn't Scorned Crowley Doesn't Love Aziraphale Anymore, or Never Wants To Help Him Again, the appeal here is Crowley learning enough self respect to not just walk back right to Aziraphale like nothing happened after Aziraphale has had a pattern of consistently refusing him. Going years ping-ponging between "We're not friends I don't even know him" to "That's what friends are for right?" and "We're friends, why would you even say anything?" and "Friends? We're not friends. We are an angel and a demon!"
Like I get it, Crowley is a heartbreakingly forgiving person. Of course he's gonna forgive Aziraphale, I'll be surprised if he didn't forgive him by the time he walked out the bookshop door, but gdi he could at least grant himself the luxury of being at least a little irritated for longer than however long it takes to make a globe and some books float and angrily cry out to God in his flat. But due to the change of pace and dynamic that is establishing part of the conflict for Season 3, I just really like the idea of him for ONCE prioritizing himself and being like "Okay, fine. We'll get back at it when you're ready, then," instead of just taking Aziraphale back like his words and actions meant nothing to him, when clearly they have an effect on him.
What is Aziraphale going to learn if Crowley just accepts what he did so quickly, like he always has the entire time they've been friends? Idk maybe I'm just projecting too much darkness on their dynamic but I mean, if the pattern of Aziraphale pushing Crowley away/disrespecting him one day and then being fine with his friendship the next + Crowley never stopping to be like "Hey, that's not cool, at least give me a little credit" or smth was fine all along and will continue to be fine in the future, then why, after 6,000 years of being friends and loving this demon, can Aziraphale still not accept that Crowley is just fine the way he is, and instead got excited to promote him to an angel in a heartbeat once the opportunity presented itself? You can't blame all of it on Heaven when Aziraphale has demonstrated his free will/defiance to Heaven so many times. Or, I don't know, I guess maybe we can? Maybe I'm just craving too much angst to the point where I'm letting it cloud my analysis of canon. Idk.
#derpy speaks#good omens#good omens 2#no i dont think crowley is gonna ever hate aziraphale for what happened but he's allowed to be angry#he's allowed to be done with it all. he's allowed to be exhausted. just look at his face when he drives away.#meh. idk. but i dont know how i'll feel if crowley just INSTANTLY accepts aziraphale back in a situation involving#idk - ''hey help me stop the new apocalypse''#at least. without like. SOME pushback? it can even be something small like ''are you SURE you want ME to help you? do you really need me?''#doesnt have to be a straight refusal but i'd like SOME kind of action to show that crowley is putting his foot down for once#he deserves that self respect#do NOT reply saying that im insinuating that aziraphale is actively malicious or doing it on purpose.#everything he has done up until now is his own complicated response to all the trauma and guilt he's been through#but despite that crowley is STILL allowed to be upset... it's messy. i can write a whole paper about how this whole thing#is just unfortunate on both ends. again. we didnt get queerbaited we got communication baited 😭#but help me out here. am i just too fandom-brained to have these expectations from the story?#is there something obvious im missing that is making me sound like a complete asshole here? do i need to get my head out of the gutter?#someone please explain it to me if so because whatever it is‚ i can't find it#not queued
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People need to start understanding the difference between actually harmful or "bad rep" vs just rough around the edges but still complex and nuanced rep that doesn't quite line up with your own personal experiences or the over-sanitized ideal of what you think "good rep" should be
#just saw someone in their headcanon post say they know it would be bad rep if this certain character actually had this disorder#but that's just it! it really wouldn't! if anything it'd be a really realistic portrayal of the effects without making it a big deal#or villainizing the disorder itself#like yes this particular character has done bad things but never was it implied to be because of those symptoms#he's a very detailed and complex character beyond that and etc etc.#same show gets a lot of bad rap for supposed “bad rep” that i've seen more people connect and relate to and fall in love with more than any#other cause it's not sanitized it's allowed to be messy + real + reflect experiences people usually never get to see authentically portraye#and sometimes that means it's gonna be rough#but anyway#like it's the difference between purposefully perpetuating a dangerous stereotype#vs wanting every “diverse” character to be a perfect cookoe cutter angel who can do no wrong and never gets deeper than a kiddie pool#books#movies#media#tv shows#media literacy
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for the ask game (3)
au where all robins develop a mental link after fighting some magical criminal of the week. what would they see in each other's minds? what secrets and repressed feelings do they discover? how would they deal with it?
for the ask game!
oooh, i love telepathic links that end up revealing secrets. especially with a family like the Batfam, who are usually so convinced they're good enough at reading each other to not have many secrets kept. so weird reveals are always fun
if i did this, i'd do DamiTim. just because of all the like, "deep dark feelings that are being hidden" for Robin shipping, DamiTim is the most fun for me. you expect DickTim or DickJay or JayTim, even DamiDick. but there's something that's so enjoyable about Damian having his feelings forcibly outted. not just to Tim, but to everyone. the way it'd be an active landmine none of them knowing what to say but all feeling each other's reactions. i honestly think Damian would try to punch somebody about it. (also, if you do a history of TImSteph where they've had sex, Damian would be directly linked to Steph's memories of how Tim was in bed, so that's fun as both something horrifying and enlightening just to screw with his feelings some more.) would they end up together? in my head probably, but it'd be weird and likely toxic bc how do you date someone you know inside out and know exactly what they think of all your flaws and what parts of you they obsess over. the answer is not very well but hey, the sex is good-
i think Jason *directly* feeling how everyone felt about his death would really rock him. he's heard all the apologies, but part of him isn't convinced there's truth to them. so to be crushed by Dick's *grief* over his death would be a come to jesus moment for him. but on the less fun flipside, you have him feeling how Dick feels about him *now*. because Dick doesn't really *like* Jason and deep down, sees Jason as a lost cause. that's his "deep dark secret". and Jason would feel and know that from the one person who he still wants to believe in him. i really do think Jason would have the Worst Time with all this, overwhelmed with everyone's intimate and complex feelings over his death. Jason is a very defensive person when it comes to his death and how reactionary he gets when other people make it about them, not him. so for Jason to have to constantly deal with that in his head, i truly do think he'd lash out a bit. the arguments. yelling at Dick and feeling Dick's guilt and snapping bc Dick has no right to feel guilty now. feeling that Tim viewed Jason as a failure. it's just a damaging mindspace to be in and man do i think Jason would take a While to recover.
oddly though, i think it'd be a good bonding moment for Steph and Jason. we really don't get much exploration of Steph and Jason bonding over dying. bc sure, Steph didn't actually die, but she *did* experience the social death where everyone believed she was dead and mourned her as such for a good while. she also felt *directly* responsible for her own death. a lot of blame falls on Steph for War Games (for the Doylist reasons of sexism but yk) and Jason feels responsible for his own death for walking into a trap. but unlike Jason, Steph had no suit in a case, no memorials, her name held no infamy. so i think she deserves just a bit of righteous fury about how dramatic Jason can be while she just has to move on bc hey, it's not like she *really* died. and she buries those feelings well, but not well enough to hide them from a mental link. and Jason, who hasn't really considered Steph before because he was so wrapped up in his complex over Tim, confronts those feelings with her. if anyone is going to know how he feels, it's going to be her. you could do it platonic or romantic, but i do think when Jason sinks to his lowest, she's the one who snaps him out of it, both with tough love and genuine compassion for his situation.
for the less serious crack of it all: they're all going to have far too intimate knowledge of each other's sex lives. everyone's gonna know Dick has fucked Slade. everyone's gonna know Jason has fucked Talia. in my heart, i believe Tim has slept with Anarky (Lonnie, not Ulysses) and everyone would *know* that too. absolute judgment all around. it's the spider-man meme of "wait you've done WHAT with WHO" and honestly, it gives a nice distraction for the more serious feelings. it's a palette cleanser they can default to. like when the fighting gets a little too serious and they're cutting too deep for comfort, someone's going to blurt out "well at least i didn't fuck Deathstroke." and the whole moment goes awry with laughter. bc i do think, at the end of it once they get through the worst of the angst, they'd be closer for it and self-aware of the ridiculous nature of all this. it's enlightening, in a way to see how they all felt about their time as Robin and the baggage/trauma they hold. even the ugliest feelings they hold for each other don't completely suffocate the fondness/respect.
that said, knowing the baggage/trauma. oof. i don't think Dick has ever fully opened up about his history with Mirage/Tarantula/Liu and now it's forced to sit in the open. Damian has never admitted the worst of being raised in the League. Tim hasn't fully faced the suffocating image of his dead father and his deep-seated want to kill Boomerang. all those ugly truths they stamp down bc well, either you're a vigilante or you're a well adjusted person, are out in the open now. and it's ugly and gruesome to force those thoughts to be shared. they all want to comfort each other for different reasons, while simultaneously not wanting their own trauma to be acknowledged. it'd be fun to see who'd instinctively react to whose trauma first. because it's an overwhelming rush of information, and you just naturally get pulled in certain directions. i think Damian would react to Dick's history of sexual abuse first, whereas Jason would be reacting to the murderous rage TIm is trying to fight off. Tim is reacting to just how much guilt Steph carries about War Games and all of it is very crunchy. there's so much they'd all have to talk about and it'd take days for them to address it all, between the arguments about the ugly parts. would they come out stronger for it? yes. but only if they didn't kill each other in the process. i hesitate to do a "and they come out one big happy family" ending, bc it's not very in canon, but i do think the bond of the Robin mantle is something special. even when the link is broken, they hold onto a freakish understanding of each other. they react and move in sync, can fight together without needing words. are they emotionally on the same page/have they forgiven each other for the worst of it? absolutely not. but they've got each other backs. it's a very much "if you called i'd drop everything to save you. but also we don't have it in us to hang out casually." bond, which i think is deeply underrated in fanfiction. sometimes, you can care about people but you have to do it from a distance.
#necrotic festerings#damitim#potential jaysteph#sladick#batcest#i actually really love this. i might try to write it.#like there are SO many complex interpersonal things happening and god it's good.#also writing this reminds me of tags you put on the post about batfamily fanon#where you said you shipped jaytalia noting how I critiqued it in the meta#and i never got to clarify but i do actually think jaytalia *could* be fun#it's just one of those ships that falls into the “i love the concept but i don't think i'd enjoy it in canon” category for me!#esp the way it was handled in lost days bc it dropped out of NOWHERE and felt ooc given talia's motivations#and i love shipping it but *only* using it for a “jason fucked damian's mom joke” always irks me bc. lord get new material yk#those are my thoughts on that anywya#this is so crunchy. forced mental links as a plot device. aways so good.#like the end result would be messy as fuck but in a loving way#the batfam can love each other fiercely without having sitcom movie night type moments yk#bc their bond isn't domestic it's shaped by their vigilante lives#they know each other as vigilantes first so like. they struggle to connect as normal ppl even if they love each other#and know each other that personally#it's nuanced. it's fun.
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#venom the last dance#vtld#mcu#marvel#sonyverse#sony venom#venom#losing chess to a dog#v3nom#every time i consider getting into comics i am reminded of how messy capeshit really is#though to be fair i also lost the chess game by expecting a good movie#it was pretty disappointing even without the queerbait#losing at chess to a dog
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Fenris scarf! (ID in alt)
Crocheted acrylic yarn, embroidered with glow in the dark yarn (which is, in fact, something that exists!) It measures ~6'8" (about 2m) without the tassels and is 7" (~17cm) wide at the widest point.
The embroidered parts took about five hours to finish, which was far faster than I was expecting. I drew the tattoo design on with chalk markers (the kind you use for windows), embroidered over it, and then washed it out (thanks again to everyone who helped with references!) Highly recommend this method if you try anything similar. This was a really cool project! I learned a lot of things from it, most importantly the dragon scale stitch I used for the bottom of the black section. I think I will be doing Leliana or Morrigan next c:
Other Dragon Age Scarves:
Cullen | Morrigan | Warden | Leliana
#crochet#fenris#fenris dragon age#fenhawke#da2#ignore the messy underside shhh it isn't there#the tassels are bc it looked unfinished without them but also it kinda looks like heart-yoinking blood yaknow?#(also. one of those things that i can see all the flaws in but like definitely won't be fixing them at this point so)#(also also i gave myself a blister on my index finger bc i got too into the embroidery last night and did it all in one go)#(oh man imagine you see someone walking down the road in the middle of the night and they are glowing like this.#it's a good way to not get hit by a car but also a good way to start a fun new urban legend in your neighborhood)#i *am* really proud of getting the lines as clean as i did bc crochet is not intended to be embroidered and i cannot draw to save my life#dragon age#dragon age 2
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god i just started thinking about vee and hunter in the princess AU for the first time in.... a While. the current thought being that if vee first met hunter back when they were like 11 and 13ish, her first impression of him might actually have been sort of favorable. as in, "this is someone i can convince to help me."
which somehow feels.... SO much worse than hunter just, like, having playacted cruelty for belos the whole time. bc like. if the golden guard is just another emperor's coven soldier in belos's favor then it's whatever, it sucks but it is what it is. it's a reminder of past trauma and you don't trust him but it's Whatever. he's on par with a bunch of other bad people.
on the other hand. if the golden guard is someone you Begged for help, bc you caught a flash of sympathy-horror on his face, and you thought maybe another kid would understand The Horrors, and he chose to turn away from you anyway, then.
well.
That. That Is Personal .
#i need some way for vee to be able to kill hunter without the consequnce of him being dead afterward.#i think if she could really go to town murdering him once and get it out of her system theyd get along fine#this is So Messy And Upsetting in my head. may write a ficlet on my phone.#nothing worth posting to ao3 just. might post it over here if i do#because i have. such a strong image of this interaction in my head. oh god.#toh#princess luz au#vee noceda#hunter toh
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Ok. I need to talk about S5E23: The Mangiacavallo Curse Makes a Lousy Wedding Present because it's a) a damn good episode and b) so filled with Blanche/Dorothy (and a good pinch of Golden Wives too) I can feel my gay power level increase minute by minute every time I watch it. Under a cut because I (unsurprisingly) got verbose about it.
First of all: the whole thing with Blanche 'lending' one of her men to Dorothy for the wedding. The concept alone is just -- I've said before, several times, that the Girls treat their men as accessories, and this episode just spells it out.
Dorothy doesn't really want a date per se, she's mostly upset because of social expectations:
"I still don't have a date for Jenny's wedding. My own goddaughter, and I'm gonna show up alone."
She's worried because weddings are events where you typically bring a +1 along, especially if you're closely related (either as family or via friendship) to one of the spouses. She's worried about the social norm! This is a bit of a general thing in the series, especially for Dorothy, I think; there are several instances when she's upset at not having a date for a specific event, rather than not dating in general. Plus, she gets over it fairly quickly! Before Blanche agrees to lend her the judge, she tells Sophia that she's just going to go alone!
Speaking of Blanche, look at how she describes her men! Here's some quotes:
"You can borrow one of my extras. What kind of guy would you like?"
"Oh, Dorothy, come on. Borrow one of my men. One of my many, many, many, many, many, many men!"
"Oh, Dorothy, not Doug! I couldn't possibly. He's on my A-list."
"Oh, Dorothy, let me get you somebody hot off my A-list. Somebody tall, good-looking, goes with everything!"
"Don't you forget, you be careful. This man is on loan from the Blanche Devereaux collection."
I mean -- she might as well be talking about a purse or a pair of shoes! (As a side note: yes, all those lines begin with 'Oh, Dorothy'. I checked.)
Dorothy fully embraces this point of view, too:
"You always do this, Blanche. You always keep all the good guys for yourself and you give us the leftovers."
She complains about Blanche's lack of generosity -- and this might just be my personal opinion, but generosity is usually connected to material things. Once again: she might as well be getting upset because Blanche refuses to let her borrow a purse.
Rose is the only one who's somewhat concerned at not having Miles as a +1, but it seems to me that's essentially because of the 'getting hot at weddings' thing. When she introduces the problem, we get this dialogue between her and Dorothy:
"Miles can't take me to the wedding. He's going to be out of town at a teaching seminar. Now I can't go."
"That shouldn't keep you from going."
"Oh, I have my reasons."
And then she says:
"So now you see why I can't go if Miles is gonna be out of town. I might end up almost going to bed with the caterer again."
It seems to me she's not that upset because of Miles's absence; she would have gone anyway without a care in the world if the event wasn't a wedding. She doesn't necessarily treat Miles like an accessory, but she's not particularly saddened by his absence, either -- just worried about the effect weddings have on her.
And then, with all this established: the toilet scene. When the scene returns on Dorothy keeping Blanche trapped in the toilet, there's already a couple of guests looking at them and whispering among themselves (which isn't strange at all: they're making A Scene™ right there in the ladies' room!). The whole fight has such an incredible Married Couple Quarrel energy:
"Dorothy, let me out of here right now!"
"There's only one way out, Blanche, and I don't think you can hold your breath long enough."
"You're just making a mountain out of a molehill."
"Five years of molehills. They add up."
"I didn't know Doug meant this much to you."
"I'm not talking about Doug, this is about you."
Talking to the small group of guests that gathered at the scene, she then adds:
"She asked me for another chance, I gave it to her. I trusted her. Biggest mistake I ever made."
Tell me those lines aren't the most married thing you've ever heard. I'm almost tempted to make a poll and ask people what they think about this quote; I'm sure at least a good 85% would assume this is being said by someone to their lover (or ex-lover, at least!).
Then the bride (because let's remember, this is all happening at a wedding) appears and likens the situation between Dorothy and Blanche to what's happening between her and the groom -- so we have a clear line drawn between Blanche/Dorothy and a committed romantic relationship. She calls Dorothy 'Aunt Dorothy', as is expected since Dorothy is her godmother, but she also calls Blanche 'Aunt Blanche', because... I don't know, there's no heterosexual explanation for it. Note that this girl invited Dorothy and Sophia to her wedding (no wonder: her godmother and her godmother's mother; they must be close) but she also invited Blanche and Rose, whom she technically has no relation to -- we have to assume they were invited because of their relation to Dorothy (she's possibly close to them too, considering she calls Blanche her 'aunt', but that's still due to their relation to Dorothy, of course). I mean -- would you invite your godmother's roommates to your wedding, as a general rule?
And!! After all this, the whole talking/not talking thing! Dorothy tells Jen:
"Jen, honey, I think you should go and talk to Joey. The best thing to do in any relationship is talk."
She says this right after she found an excuse to speak to Blanche in private and trapped her into a toilet because she wanted to talk:
"Listen, Blanche, we have to talk."
"Not now, Dorothy."
"Suit yourself."
"Dorothy, will you let me out of here?"
"No way, Blanche."
Once they turn to helping Jen and Blanche finally escapes the toilet, Dorothy is understandably upset and refuses to talk to her, and this makes Blanche very upset in turn. I'll let the dialogue speak for me on this one because there's no way I can say it any better:
"Dorothy, I wish you'd talk to me."
"..."
"I really do, 'cause what I need is a good talking-to."
"..."
"I don't care what you say, just so long as you care enough to say it."
"You stink."
"God bless you, Dorothy."
Yeah. Married. Blanche is so relieved and reassured once Dorothy starts talking to her again that she follows the conversation for just a little while after that (just as long as they're talking about Rose) and then immediately zones out again, because she's back in her comfort zone. Dorothy's talking to her! Dorothy forgave her! Everything's fine -- back to your regularly scheduled Blanche Devereaux™ content. (Note that she also pointedly does not dance with Doug after he comes back, even though he's from her A-list. This episode should have ended with a Blanche/Dorothy dance, if only to spite Doug.)
Rose is mostly busy dealing with her own thing in this one, but you all know I love the Golden Wives, so let me point out a couple of things:
Blanche and Dorothy (especially Dorothy) really do take care of Rose at the wedding! ... well, at the beginning of the party, at least. But they do genuinely try to reassure her! It's sweet! "Rose, honey, take it easy. Breathe deeply. It'll be all right." "Don't worry, honey. Nothing to worry about. We're here to look out for you." [...] "We're gonna have to keep an eye on her." "Hmm." We see her flirt with a couple of men during the party, but she only ends up going away with Doug and only while Dorothy and Blanche are having their little moment in the ladies' room, so it seems like they did keep her out of trouble after all! Until they got tangled up in their own thing, that is.
Right after they get out of the ladies' room (i.e., right after Dorothy tells Blanche 'I have nothing to say to you") Dorothy immediately notices that Rose isn't around, and talks to Blanche about it, despite the fact that she's supposedly not talking to her at all.
Blanche manages to keep her attention up as long as she and Dorothy worry about Rose, then gets immediately distracted by a man in the band. This exchange specifically is really touching to me: "Oh, I hope she can forgive us." "She will. That's what she does best." Just -- the complete certainty... my heart...
Blanche is really aggressive to Doug when he comes back! She was using every trick in her book to get him to act as her date earlier on, but as soon as she gets the hint that he took advantage of Rose, she immediately enters Protective Wife Mode™.
This line by Dorothy: "He must really be something." "So is Rose." This line? Said with the most affectionate smile in the world? Yeah. Yeah.
So anyway. I just spent like an hour and a half writing all this down, I love this episode, I adore these ladies and I am going to scream, thank you, goodbye.
#this is very messy and unplanned but i just saw the episode and i couldn't keep it to myself#and all this without speaking of the jokes!!!#'i'm going to write on this wall - for a good time call dorothy zbornak.' 'blanche - this is the ladies' room!' 'RIGHT'#'you don't look after me when *i* get hot!' 'that's because i also have a day job!'#AGH i just. i love them sm!!!!#this is one of those episodes where you really Get how important they are to each other. this is all from a romantic pov#but it's true from a platonic pov as well of course. they're such a close unit that jen calls them all 'aunt'#even though only dorothy is her godmother -- and she obviously became her godmother long before she began to live with the girls#sure. they like to have dates for this kind of event. but in the same way one might rent a nice suit for this kind of event!#the important relationship is the one between them! you know?#sophia's b-plot in this one is also a lot of fun lmao i love it#cursing someone to have their socks constantly slide down their shoes is *evil*#so yeah. 10/10 episode!!! a big favourite!!#the golden girls#golden wives
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sex under the cut because well. what else am i going to do with these images
i think they have sex and i also think they don't have sex. hope this helps.
#hey. are these anything#my art sex edition#corvosider#that's it#the staring is so important. would not be a revivisection corvosider original without the staring#not lying when i say these have haunted me for months like visions#they will probably continue to haunt me#they are so messy because i am not going to bestow that kind of polish onto them. sorry.#i think i hauve the rat plague#one like and i draw penetration#jk. but maybe if i'm feeling particularly insane one day#you guys should feel really honored to get to watch me struggle through drawing bodies in real time#well. progress is being made#this game series has forever ruined the way i spell honor. now it feels wrong with the u
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you ever just. become overwhelmed by a sudden out-of-nowhere wave of tenderness and affection and longing for reconnection directed towards someone to whom you no longer speak for Very Good Reasons
#‘out of nowhere’ she says like she hasn’t been doing a lot of reading/thinking recently about various tragic messy breakups#and the later regrets of the parties involved#anyway. tell me not to text her#it’s been over two years since the last time we talked… absolutely no reason to break that streak now. lord give me strength#she was really fucking mean to me! like objectively intentionally unwarrantedly cruel! it ruined an entire year of my life#and fundamentally changed me as a person on a deep level! there’s a lot of things i used to like about myself that i don’t think i’m ever#going to get back#and yet every once in a while we have to do the whole ‘maybe i could make things right’ song and dance 😔#the thing is most of the time i’m not even really angry with her anymore like enough time has passed since all the shit went down that#really i just sort of look at her behavior and feel sad. both because of the impact on me but also because of the ‘that’s really how you#felt you needed to act towards someone who cared about you? you couldn’t have just expressed your feelings in an honest and productive way#instead of just lashing out in the cruelest possible way and ruining the entire relationship beyond hope of repair?’#and i feel bad and sorry that it went that way and honestly i kind of pity her and hope she’s gotten some of her shit worked out#so i’m not like. actively pissed off at her anymore. but also i can’t think about her without thinking about the worst year of my life so 🙃#i don’t actually feel that trying to reopen that door would be very healthy for me at least#we did try a Reconciliation of sorts a couple of months after the initial falling-out and while it was kind of helpful for me in that she#like. apologized lmao. and affirmed that i wasn’t crazy and she did in fact On Purpose say the most hurtful things she possibly could have#said to me given the information she had at her disposal. and that i really had not done anything to her that could warrant that. etc.#it also left a sour enough taste in my mouth that i just don’t see a future where the two of us spending time together is enjoyable for me#and yet… the regret will always live inside me i think. maybe if i were a stronger person…#caseyposting
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#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#yakuza series#ryu ga gotoku 7#yakuza like a dragon#yakuza 7#yakuza 3#katase#hisho#masu im stealing your tag for her LOL itll save me the stroke. plus hisho works as a name donnit fuck it we take what we can get#tbh when i looked her up in the files- or mine anyway- it was 'hisyo' which. dont think thats a word <3 ANYWAY#snap sketches#click for better quality or scream and die#>says i wont draw them again >makes references to draw them again#my in-game-models ref sheets for them is so messy we gotta work with what we got its FINE#what a way to cool down after Church <3#normally i wouldve had the katase/hisho models together but i wanna.... show off the height difference i made up about them </3#i had fun tho... you cant see it due to. CLOTHING. but i wanted katase to be boxier since everyone built like damn CARGO in y3#didnt really have much thought with hisho. aside from the fact she's like ~5'2 without heels#yeah no in my dome i've decided With Heels katase's 5'9 while hisho's 5'4 that's just what my eyes figured out#anyway. i dont have any more time for girls this week i got comms </3 just wanted to doodle somethin quick for meself this morn..#ok bye ima go work so i have more time to draw nonsense !!!!!!!#i need to stop. liking this game series it keeps giving me things to wanna draw and distracting me from projects And Everything Else#BYE
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i cant fully control my emotions during a breakdown and then i come out of it and im like oh fuck........ ._.
#bpd#like i dont mean to hurt anyone else with having my breakdown on my vent blog on tumblr...#like the stuff i say isnt aimed at anyone in particular#and it's abt MY feelings which are so confusing i get a headache#my thoughts is my enemy and im such a broken and confused little girl inside fr T-T#but like yeah im sorry for upsetting ppl???#but really i feel so suffocated bc im constantly terrified of saying smth that will upset this or that person#or reblogging the wrong thing and making someone im attached to hate me#like idk.... genuinely my blog is supposed to be a vessel? a tool? smth for me to be able to put my emotions and thoughts down#and try to make sense of them. even when i cant. it really only concerns me. i dont mean to attack or hurt anyone else :/#but i mean i really shouldnt and i shouldve learned this lesson so long ago....#being confused and broken and mentally ill and not knowing or understanding things and being messy and#saying the wrong things or phrasing it incorrectly or anything like that#or like sometimes i have one thought tied to a certain emotion but it's only there in that moment#like when i feel so lonely i could die.. yes i do have kidnapping fantasies. bc i dont.: whatever i dont owe anyone a psychoanalys of mysel#but that doesnt mean i want want to be kidnapped by a stranger who doesnt care abt me... i know that would be awful and traumatizing and no#what i *want*. bc what i desire is love#but like i feel so much pain and just venting abt it or reblogging a post helps me solidify my overwhelming emotions#idk what to say like..... ☹️☹️☹️☹️#i cant even fucking blog or do tumblr right im worthless. and yeah i know i have a victim complex.. sorry 🥲#hmmm. yeah idk what to say like when i have breakdowns i have to get myself thru them without any support#and i dont mean that to attack anyone else.: we're all alone i know.#but idk how to deal w it so i just type it out. its not to attack anyone else its to try to make sense of my emptions i dont understand ☹️#anyway.. maybe i should just accept that im too fucked up and too contradictory for anyone to actually like me#there will always be smth that will make everyone not like me anymore. thats that.#thank u for the time u do give me tho i always appreciate thay#and im sorry i really truly dont want to hurt anyone else#i just dont have .. idk it doesnt matter im sorry for what its worth and if anyone even reads this#i hope not bc i dont want anyone to perceive me and stuff like i dont wanna exist to anyone#and im not on tumblr or post stuff for attention. im just in pain and have nowehrre to put it. im sorry if im lashinf out and hurting other
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I think the whole 'Your friends don't secretly hate you or think you're annoying' thing is well and good to pull someone out of a spiral of negative thoughts about both themselves and their friends, but also it doesn't exactly do much to settle those thoughts when you've actually been in multiple scenarios when it turns out your friends DID secretly hate you or find you annoying.
Anyway, I'm probably going to be thinking about that Dungeon Meshi scene until I die. It was really so cathartic to see an autistic character be confronted with that exact scenario and go 'No, why are you bringing this up NOW? Why did you wait until NOW and insist on stringing me along rather than being honest with me? Why am I the bad guy for getting excited about making a new friend and being overly passionate about it?'
I know there's far more nuance to that specific conversation (especially on Shuro's end; and I am aware that he had some good reasons for disliking Laios's behavior at points) but also it's just a really great scene for someone who HAS had that sort of thing happen.
Being told 'oh, your friends/family/etc don't actually find you annoying or hate you, it's just your brain being mean' is good, but you know what? Sometimes people do find you annoying or dislike you. But you also know what? If they choose to string you along and not make their discomfort of the things you're doing clear, that is NOT your fault. You are not a mind reader, and it's on THEM to be clear when they're uncomfortable with something.
#Hayley Speaks#I also recognize there's far more nuance in this conversation as well#If someone's doing something genuinely harmful and putting you in an uncomfortable place to speak up-#-that doesn't make you the bad guy either#It's complicated and messy; I get that#But in a general sense of 'You string someone along in the hopes they'll leave you alone without actually establishing boundaries?'#Yeah no; you don't get to tell them to 'read the room' or be annoyed with them for not picking up on your hints#I dunno; my mind's just been in an odd place lately#Anyway I really love Dungeon Meshi
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one thing i find really difficult about navigating the IF space is the direct line of contact between readers and authors. we share the same space, and i think that plays a big part in this weird blurred line we have in this community and overall lack of boundaries.
for a lot of people this is a fun hobby and while i personally try to keep it... semi-professional most of the time, it's easy to get wrapped up in having fun on tumblr (or the forums, or reddit, wherever it is that you mainly post/interact) and have a lot of personal interactions with both readers and authors alike - which is fun! i like it more often than not, but i also think that's why a lot of comments in this space can end up being really entitled, over-familiar, and inappropriate.
it's no secret that most authors get really weird messages on here, and while this is also a problem on social media at large and not just specific to IF tumblr, it is still definitely a big problem in this community.
and to be clear i'm not saying that you can't be friendly with authors or readers (i've become friends with a handful of readers myself) and i definitely don't mean to imply that there needs to be a huge divide between us; that's silly - again, most authors are readers, most readers are authors, we’re just people on the internet sharing the same space. but all of us deserve to have our boundaries respected. this is my story, and we are strangers. as a general rule of thumb: if you wouldn't say it out loud to someone you just met, you probably shouldn't be saying it to a stranger online. especially anonymously.
#i also think this is why some criticisms get so messy in this space as well#authors should not always be in the same space as the readers/reviewers#and readers shouldnt be able to directly @ authors with their extremely negative reviews esp when it's subjective#(‘’i hate this’’ as opposed to pointing out genuinely harmful content or other criticism)#for everyone's sake#& on a kinda related note: speaking as someone who has been receiving targeted harassment for *checks watch* over two years now#some people really need to reevaluate the way they interact with certain media#i think IF feels very personal due to the interactivity and the customization of the mc#but not everything is written for you. and it's fine to just not like something#without sending weird harassing anonymous messages for 2 years straight to a stranger on the internet. lol#honestly criticism is another can of worms and that's not really what i'm talking about here#but i do think that's also part of the entitlement and overfamiliarity as well#so imo it's connected a little bit. something to think about#at the end of the day my advice to other authors about this is to know your limits and know when you need to extract yourself#and know that you don't have to respond to every ask#especially if it makes you uncomfortable#and im definitely not trying to sound like the authority here this is something i've struggled with as well#like i said it is hard to navigate#and authors can be guilty of this too. wanting to defend yourself or insert yourself into conversations where you shouldn't#i've done that myself#and i've also had other authors i dont know be way overly familiar with me in the past#all of this is just an unfortunate part of online community i think. but im trying to be more mindful about it#anyways. this post brought to you by the weird messages in my and my friends' inboxes lately#i just think you should not be telling authors about pesonal bodily functions in anonymous asks#as an example. lol#personal
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mentors! teachers! librarians! old ladies you see at the grocery or the knitting shop once in a while! middle aged men who are regulars at the same hardware store! the teenagers who come to the local game shops board game events and THEIR little siblings!
do you believe you dont share common humanity with any of these people?????
or do you have bizarre ideas gatekeeping the "sanctity" of friendship limiting it to only people you could have gone to high school with???
"what do a 19 and a 28 year old even have in common"
WE ARE ON THIS BIG BEAUTIFUL BLUE EARTH AT THE SAME TIME, ENJOYING THE GLORIOUS EXPERIMENT THAT IS HUMANITY, GOOD SIR!!!!!
this isnt even about dating-- like fuck no you couldnt PAY me to date someone in their early twenties NOW!!! but this is how we're being about FRIENDSHIP??????
#when i was fifteen and Going Through It bc i was a Fifteen Year Old Lesbian (though i didnt KNOW that last bit)#one of my truest friendships was with the thirty five year old mother of three at church#she was the mia maids counselor in YW and she is STILL one of the coolest and most charismatic people i know#though we lost touch when their family moved out of state#her oldest is a hs senior now!! im so proud!! but to Me she's still going to be four years old forever#like. when i am Friends with a significantly younger person its not the Same as Friends with age peer#older friends tend to give more to younger friends than they take and vice versa. you dont burden a teenager with the messy details#but you listen to theirs! you give them perspective and a shoulder to cry on and they give you perspective and hope for their bright future#god.#as an Autist who really struggled getting along with my peers as a teenager i was often#relegated to babysitting (which i loved!) bc i Get kids theyre much more straightforward#or to being The Good Kid hanging at the adult table bc i was polite and thought i was So clever#i would not be Me without community#and community is just a web of people supporting each other#what is friendship if not that?
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