#words cannot describe how obsessed i am with this set

[razzmothazz]

they ....

tsukasa card redraw here btw :3

[kittievampire]

I came because I was in love with your obey me yandere smut! So...can I have something similar to "Mine" but with Simeon 🥺🥺🥺? Please!

Please ignore me if you’re not comfortable with this request.

Honestly, anon, it's sinful that'd you'd request such a thing of me! I couldn't possibly write something like that for Simeon! I'll have you know that he is a man of God, an ANGEL and if you think okay the people who think Simeon shouldn't be depicted this way are gone now, lemme see what I have in my bag, my dear~

Click here if you wanna request!

Cleansed

Warnings: Dark themes, Cursing, Blood, Violence, Yandere! Simeon x Fem! MC, Virgin! MC, Smut, Teasing, Baby-Trapping, Murder, Manipulation, Obsession, Guilt-Tripping, Somnophilia (MC gets put to sleep), Most likely an incorrect quote from the bible, Fingering, Breeding Kink, Creampie, Non-Con/Rape to Dub-Con

🚨READ THE WARNINGS CAREFULLY AND PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF I MISSED ANY TAGS🚨

Enjoy.

Simeon never knew that he could feel this way about someone.

What he felt exactly, he couldn't say. He couldn't put a finger on it— couldn't put it into words if asked. If he had to describe it, he'd probably say it was something that made him feel like his heart would leap out of his chest with its intense and rapid beating, something that made him want to be close to you, something that made him want to follow you to the ends of the Devildom and back (which may have been literal on some explorative occasions).

Either way, there was one thing this angel knew for a fact.

He had to have you.

This sense of possessiveness started out small. He would follow you around all day, walk you home most nights, and wonder what you were up to when he wasn't by your side. It was always so curious to him how a little human such as yourself suddenly became a being he held of higher regard and importance than Michael, though he'd never tell his higher-up such information.

However, it didn't take long for this obsession to grow.

Simeon was convinced that this was his Father's plan. That he was meant to feel this way about you, that you were meant to be his. Every night, he'd find himself praying, not only for your well-being and fortune, but also for a romantic relationship to blossom from your friendship.

It was the word of the Father, of course.

What God has joined together, let no man seperate. We must guard our union, so that the outside world cannot seperate it.

He has to protect you, no matter what. Especially from the vile lower demons that want a piece of you. Simeon wouldn't dare even think of harming one of the brothers, they were his brothers once, too; Nor did he believe that any of your friends should be hurt. But those that you were uncomfortable with? Those that you didn't know on a personal level? Those that wanted you? Their vary existence was sinful.

They must be cleansed.

_

"Simeon, what is this?"

Your voice was so sweet. It made him feel weak in the knees. Though, he couldn't afford to lose his composure now. Not when he'd finally mustered up the courage to ask you out on a date.

Well, it was a date you were unaware of. But he put his everything into it! You might as well think of it as such out of appreciation!

The angel smiled, motioning toward the empty seat in front of him. He'd managed to convince the owner of this restaurant to place a table on the second-floor balcony. He wanted to be able to see how the moonlight made your features glow.

Simeon had told you to dress formally for this dinner, but you didn't expect the setting to be this fancy! To say you were excited was an understatement.

You sat down in front of him, clasping your hands together as you tried to process your surroundings. "Wow, Simeon, this is truly amazing... I can't thank you enough, but I am curious about the occasion," You ask softly, a small blush forning on your face.

The angel chuckled softly, lifting one of his hands to gently caress the petal on one of the roses that the vase in the middle of the table held. "One as divine as yourself must be treated to such things, wouldn't you agree?" His voice sounded so sweet to your ears, reminding you of the vanilla sweets he and Luke would bake for you.

"Hi, welcome to... MC?"

You snapped your head to the side, looking up at the waiter approaching your table. Your face paled as you recognized the familiar demon standing before you. It was an incubus that had hit on you recently, the only one you didn't tell Simeon about. "Toran?" You murmured softly, earning a nod from the waiter. "Where have you been? Why haven't you responded to any of my texts, huh? You too good for me or somethin'?" The demon before you suddenly became more aggressive than you felt comfortable dealing with. Simeon could sense your growing discomfort and stood, approaching the waiter. "Excuse me, I don't believe this is appropriate conduct for someone in your position, may I request we get another waiter?" He asked, earning a scoff from the demon whose name he couldn't bother to remember. "Hey, I'm not talking to you, yeah? Why don't you-" "Toran!" You shouted, catching the attention of both of the gentlemen before you. "I... I gave you the wrong number, I'll give it to you. Please, just leave us alone, yes?"

Simeon's face contorted into that of a disgusted look, one that you didn't see.

Why the hell were you even entertaining the idea of giving your information to this asshole? You were supposed to be with him, not this foul demonic garbage. "That won't be necessary, MC," Simeon said with a warm smile, the demon turning to face him. "What the hell do you-" "I'd like to request a change in waiters, please. I don't think you'd want your higher-ups to know about this, so I suggest you do everything you can to make things right!"

He truly was angelic, wasn't he?

You couldn't help but smile a bit, feeling your heart thump against your chest as your cheeks heated up. You looked away for a moment, trying to calm yourself down.

Simeon glanced at you before he roughly grabbed the waiter by his collar and pulled him close. "It'd be in your best interest not to anger me. That girl is the only reason you're still breathing, demon," He whispered into the demon's ear before pushing him away.

Your gaze met the angel's and you couldn't help but blush once more. "A-Ah! Did he finally leave? I'm so sorry, Simeon. I didn't know he worked here! He's been harassing me for the past few weeks, and I just don't know what to do anymore." You started rambling, Simeon sitting down before you and listening closely to every single word that left those lovely lips of yours. They looked so soft.

However, he couldn't forget the sheer audacity of that demon. His presence, his words, his existence, all of it was a sin that must be cleansed. How dare he even breathe in your direction? It all frustrated the angel.

That's okay. Simeon would deal with him later. He had to comfort his lover now. "That sounds horrible! Have you told anyone else about this?" He asked reaching over the table and gently grasping your hand. You turned away from his gaze bashfully, blush only growing darker as you felt his eyes pierce through you. "No, you're the only one that knows about him."

Simeon felt his heart pound against his chest at this. He was the only person you trusted enough to tell? Oh, you're so dependent on him, just how it should be. What a good girlfriend you are, even if you didn't know it yet. "I see," He managed to murmur out softly, a light chuckle escaping his lips as you met his gaze once more.

"I'll do with this information what I can to help you, MC. I promise,"

_

Simeon splashed water over Toran's tied-up body, causing the demon to wake up in a panic. Though, his sounds of confusion were muffled by the gag in his mouth. Simeon's hand shot forward, gripping either side of his face and forcing him to meet his gaze. "Disgusting," He muttered softly, a glare making its way to the angel's face. He scoffed and pushed Toran's head away from him, taking a step back and pinching his chin between his thumb and index finger. "Ah, what was your name again?" He asked, voice shifting back to the one he wore normally. The one that angels such as himself were expected to wear. "Toran, I believe, yes?" He asked softly, adjusting his black gloves as he turned his back to the demon. "MC requested I not get you in too much trouble with your higher-ups if I take action. She really is sweet, isn't she?"

Simeon turned around, brushing his gloved fingers over the blade in his hand. "You see, I believe that MC is far too divine to be saddened by someone such as yourself. I believe it is my duty as an angel to expel any unhappiness from her life as I see fit." He made his way over to the demon, gently pressing the sharp tip of the blade against his chin. "I'm like her guarding angel in that way, aren't I? I'd make such a good husband, don't you think? If I asked her to marry me... No, she'd be weirded out by such a thing. I have to ask her to be my girlfriend first, don't I?" Simeon's list of questions was left unanswered, but the sound of the demon muffling something under the gag while he was talking only irritated the demon's captor further. "Has no one taught you manners?" He sliced the bottom of the demon's chin, blood spilling out, and a muffled cry erupted from Toran's throat.

"I truly don't appreciate how you treat MC... It truly is unfortunate. You must be cleansed, demon." He pushed the blade against Toran's chest.

"I will do what I must to protect my human,"

_

Simeon loved you. He loved you more than anything else in this world, more than he loved himself, more than he loved his Father. He just couldn't bare the thought of you rejecting him is all! That's the only reason why this happened.

You were close, so close to finding out his secret. So close to finding the corpses. He wrapped his hand over your mouth and nose and began to chant a sleeping spell into your ear softly, and when you fell limp in his arms, he placed you on the bed.

Now, you looked so beautiful, so innocent, so carefree. He couldn't help but be drawn to your divinity. The way your skirt was pushed up by the duvet slightly, showing him the plush of your thigh. The blush on his face was dark, as were his eyes.

He had to claim you.

In the blink of an eye, he was between your legs, sliding your panties off of you from beneath your skirt, his breath hitching as he saw your pussy. He could feel a lump of saliva form in his throat as he slowly lowered his hand, running two gloved fingers down your slit. Simeon stared at your cunt, not blinking, not moving anything but his hand. He was infatuated with your body, and the only thing that was missing was your whimpers and pleas for him to keep going. Slowly, he pushed his fingers into you, your velvety walls welcoming the digits.

You were tight.

You were a virgin.

A whimper poured from your lips as he shoved his fingers all the way inside of you, his knuckles meeting your entrance. Simeon glanced up at your face to see your expression change, brows knitting together as your lips parted ever so slightly. However, you gave no signal of consciousness. He reached his free hand forward as he began to slowly thrust his fingers into you, making scissoring movements to stretch you. With his free hand he parted your black RAD jacket and unbuttoned your teal underblouse.

Simeon's breathing hitched once more as he saw the white bra you were wearing, taking a moment to think about this situation. You were asleep and vulnerable, and here he was, defiling you. He looked down at his hand, eyes widening at how your essence clung to his fingers.

You wanted him too.

"Haah... I knew it," He muttered out softly, a smile forming on his face. "I knew you wanted me, you naughty girl. Your body's so honest with me."

Biting his lip, he slowly pushed a third finger into you. At the same time, he hooked his index finger around the middle of your bra, pulling it down, and allowing your breasts to spill out. Immediately, his hand groped your mound, squeezing the soft flesh and allowing a chill to run down his spine as he thrusted his fingers faster. "Come on, my dear, give me an orgasm," He said, voice full of desperation, making it seem more like he was begging you. "I need to see you cum for me, darling."

Soft moans and gasps erupted from your throat, and he felt your thighs pushing against his hand. He frowned, pushing your thighs further apart and positioning himself inbetween your legs. "None of that, Dove," He said softly, feeling the heat that pooled around his fingers go straight to his cock. His thumb reached up to trace circles over your clit, causing you to whine and squirm in your sleep.

He felt your walls tightening, excitement coursing through his veins as he thrusted his fingers faster into you, gloved hand soaked, and hand squeezing your breast. "Almost there, Dove," He almost whimpered out, cock twitching. Your hands moved downward, almost as if unconsciously trying to hide yourself from the stimulation.

Your eyes shot wide open and you let out a cry of pleasure as your orgasm came crashing down, coating Simeon's hand in your juices. His movements slowed, allowing you to ride out your orgasm.

Your blurry vision slowly began to re-focus, allowing you to see the angel before you. A sheepish smile appeared on his face as he pulled his hand away, pressing a finger to his tongue to get a taste of your cum. "Simeon?" You panted out softly.

Simeon's hand pushed his white pants and boxers down, freeing his hardened cock, pink tip oozing with precum. "I'm so sorry, my little Dove," He said softly, your eyes going wide as he spread your legs, cock pressing gently against your opening. "I wanted to wait... Ask you to go out with me, then after we got married, I'd take you in a more..." He paused, trying to search for the right adjective. "Romantic setting." Simeon's cock grinded gently against you. "You see, Dove—" You felt him push into you, and you gasped, hands immediately clamping over your mouth. His mouth fell open, letting out a soft groan as he felt your cunt suck him in. "You're just... So— Hnngh!— Tempting!" He slammed himself all the way inside of you, hips meeting yours as he bottomed out.

Tears fell from your eyes at the stretch and you felt his hands on your thighs, guiding them so that your legs would wrap around his waist. "You'll forgive me, right?" He murmured out softly, nuzzling his face into the valley between your breasts. "I'm only doing all of this because I love you." Simeon's eyes met yours and you could feel your body tremble. "S-Simeon, I-I wanted... To wait—" "Wait until when, Dove?!" He suddenly became more aggressive, face now inches away from yours, cock pushing against your cervix, making you whine. "Until one of those vile demons got to you? That isn't an option! You were going to make love to me on the night of our wedding, what difference does it make that I take you here?" He huffed out.

You'd never seen him so angry before, nor have you ever seen him act so possessive before. He pulled his hips back, only to shove them forward again. You moaned loudly, closing your eyes and allowing more tears to fall. "You should be grateful..." He muttered, closing his eyes to try and maintain some of his composure. The contradiction in his words hardly meant anything to your hazy mind. While you did take a moment to realize that he just apologized for waiting before scolding you for wanting the same, the way he started to pound into you made your brain turn to mush.

"That it was me who was here instead of some random demon. I don't know what I would've done if someone deflowered you before I got the chance to, they might've ended up like the others!"

You flinched at this statement, looking up at Simeon through teary eyes. "O-Others?" He scoffed, burying his face into the crook of your neck to leave dark hickies that couldn't be hidden. When you didn't get an answer, you debated on asking him again, but he interrupted your confusion with a slam right into the spot that made you see stars.

You cried out, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him closer to you, feeling a knot begin to tighten in your stomach. "S-Simeon! G-Gonna c-cum soon!" You whined out, bucking your hips upward to get more friction between the two of you, hoping for further stimulation.

Simeon knitted his brows together as a thought came to mind. Perhaps if you were pregnant, everyone, including you, would know that you were his. Maybe if he got you attached to him in such a permanent manner, you'd never think about another man. Yes, that sounded absolutely divine. It sounded right.

"MC," He moaned out against your jawline, pressing a kiss to it before he moved upward so his lips were beside your ear. "I'm gonna cum inside you, okay?"

"W-What?!" You flinched, regaining consciousness almost immediately before almost being completely fucked out of it again. Simeon sighed softly against you, pressing a kiss to your cheek. "I'm gonna make you— Ngh!— A mamaaa..." He dragged out the last syllable as a blush formed on his face, feeling his orgasm nearing as his pace quickened and his thrusts became more desperate and rough. The tip of his cock bullied your cervix, making you nearly scream in pleasure. "You'll be good for me, right? Y-You'll take all of my cum? Carry my child for me? You love me don't you?"

Your walls convulsed and you screamed as you came, juices coating his length. "Y-Yes," You whimpered out softly, being rewarded with the smile that you'd grown to love on him. "My Dove," He moaned out softly, burying himself deep inside of you and grunting as you felt him paint your insides white. You could feel him filling you up to the brim, womb full, pussy throbbing and drooling with his cum, even though he hadn't moved. There was just so much. You'd never felt this full before.

He slammed into you a few more times, trying to ride out the pleasure of his orgasm, as well as fuck his seed deep within you, before slowly pulling out. The sight of his cum oozing out of you made him blush, looking up at your panting, exhausted form.

Simeon smiled, caressing your tear-stained cheek with the hand that wasn't dirtied, pressing a warm and passionate kiss to your lips. He felt his heart skip a beat when you returned the favor. Reluctantly, though he had to breathe, he pulled away.

"I'll do everything I can to keep you safe and with me, Dove... Even if it means I have to resort to desperate measures,"

Holy fuck, that was a long ass train ride. I hope you liked it, anon, cause I know some of your horny asses did!

MASTERLIST

[yandere-daydreams]

Words cannot describe how obsessed I am with the milf!reader two-shot. Amazing, spectacular. Ive reread it 12 times now. The way you keep going back and forth with the flashbacks???AHHHH!!!!

Each time I read it I can’t help but just remember the readers feeling of betrayal (especially for Geto) because the reader clearly saw him the same as Mimiko and Nanako. And the sympathy that she had for him because he’s a religious figure and a dad but he’s so young. She saw him as a kid and clearly forgot that men are monsters no matter what age.

Okay if Himari didn’t have cursed energy…would Geto learn to love her as he did with the reader? Or would it just be like “ew, a failure. Let’s kill it and try again ig”. Or would he develop hatred for his own daughter because his wife ran away and basically chose a monkey over him.

Okay and the reader mentioned she had a stalker…don’t tell me….wasthattoji????

The fic is so good and definitely one of my favorites and I will be hyperfixating on it for the next several weeks.

ahhh thank you so much!!! something i really wanted to communicate with all of my age-gap pieces is that weird dissidence that happens when someone you view as a child is looking at you like a potential romantic/sexual interest, especially when that latter person is willfully misinterpreting platonic gestures it's sorta too late to walk back on. it's just a very bad time for everyone, over all.

and about himari - she is a sorcerer (or, at least, will be when she's older), but if she was born without cursed energy,,,, geto would have a hard time. i think he'd still keep her around as evidence of his ownership over you, but it'd be more of a 'oh yeah that's my wife's kid who i have to tolerate sometimes' situation than anything like his relationship with mimiko and nanako. he'd be very controlling either way, though. i had to cut it so that piece wouldn't be a million words long, but there was (very briefly) going to be a scene where he has one of his cursed spirits or another curse user manipulate the baby's gender late into the reader's pregnancy to make sure he'd never have to split your attention with another man (or literal infant boy, in this case), and that basically sets the tone for how much general freedom any children reader has with him are going to be given lmao.

[carrotkicks]

"If you want to court my anime fanart please submit a >500word essay or fanfiction detailing why you'd treat them right. This is for my entertainment only."

Dearest Kicking of the Carrots,

While I do digress that your username implies a mindless desire to cause harm to the edible orange gem of the soft and loamy soil we call our Earth, it is of utmost importance that I underline to you with as much vigour and passion as I fantasize about picking up our dearest obsession, Chuuya, and carrying him around so that his heavenly soles of the feet never have to touch anything except the interior of his impeccably styled footwear and the tips of my delicate, calloused fingers, that I must underline to you how well I would treat your collection of beautifully assorted lines. Pixels on a screen have never brought about such awe, admiration and heart palpitations as yours- your pixels, my dearest, are so mesmerizing that I, a lowly anon of the vast ocean of the internet, have found myself in this precarious situation in which I am writing a letter to you to ask for a light while I fight the waves of disillusionment in which I drown without such beauty. Simply put, I would like to marry your art. I am devoted, loyal, and recently widowed as my gorgeous wife - Pianoman - has revealed himself to actually only have been a deceased corpse this entire time. It is with great sorrow and regret that I confess to you that I only laughed at your warnings of him being a zombie- I laughed! Foolishly, of course, as you had been correct all this time. Henceforth, I will never make the same mistake twice; you have my word that I will not repeat myself in this embarrassing lapse in my judgement. It is not my fault, however- it is difficult to think clearly when I haphazardly catch glimpses of the stored files of my memory of your art: so beautiful, so delicate, yet so moving at the same time. It would be unfair to call you the creator of this art, and even 'OP' is a mockery to your level of dedication towards feeding the hungry masses of this internet platform. A mockery, because it is only with the fire of a burning passion and my kitchen oven that one can describe your oeuvres d'art, not with the weak words of the English language. My admiration can be reiterated in a number of essays, literary novels if I must, but my love for your art will never waver. We will be happy, eternally. Even as I fade as a mere mortal, I will leave behind an army of jpgs and pngs, trained only to take care of my dear love. Allow me to be clear; I seek not to breed with your art, only to cherish and love it until my final breath, to take it to witness the sun set, rise and dance among the clouds and never allow the drawn-on smile leave its face… not that it could, of course. I do not have any intentions of altering, colouring or reshaping your art in any way, as I am convinced that it is perfect the way you drew it. You, with the hands of an angel and the greatest minds to ever grace this universe. It's nearly terrifying, flabbergasting even (please pardon my vivid language), to think that at this moment, we could be breathing the same air. Drinking water that had, at one point in our lifetimes, passed through the other's system, traversed from their esophagus into their kidneys, then escaped, free again. I apologize for wasting your resources, for leaving you unattended at this moment when I instead could be feeding you grapes and batting you with large leaves. Since I cannot do this, I beg of you, let me take care of your art. I will do everything in my power, and more, to satisfy it. I do not frequently resort to begging, but such dire situations require dire responses. I will not only kick every carrot I see in my life, but I will even supply you with pictures of my kicking of the carrots. A woman can only reach such a level of desperation before her senses bring her back to the last shred of dignity she still holds as she refrains herself from continuing to speak, thereby incriminating herself, knowing fully well that her pleads will be put on display for all to see. Do not take this ask lightly, for I have poured all of my heart, soul, passion and maybe a little bit of piss for the sake of symbolism, into it.

Yours truly, with palpable vibes,

anon (you have yet to name me, and it would be pretentious to give myself a name. if you are willing to let me into your family, then I hope you will grace me with a name as well, my dearest)

omg.. oh my gosh. i'm blushing

[with-love-from-hell]

Hello, I was wondering if you would be willing to write a specific situation with Lucifer, Barbatos and Simeon where the reader used to receive all kind of abuse for years, and feels like they are not worth any kind of good things happening to them. As in, they will unconsciously just reject it, or feel like it's for being polite. I'm sorry if it's too sensitive or something. Thank you for writing

Hi there anon! I absolutely can do this, but I am going to change the wording a bit and make this more a headcanon set for how these three approach an Mc with RSD - which is similar in how you are describing the characteristics of Mc here.

For those of you who don't know, Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is a way to describe a cluster of symptoms that occurs within folks who are neurodivergent and/or have experienced extensive trauma, in which they have a strong sensitivity or fear of social rejection, criticism, or any sort of sense that they are being rejected socially. Some of the symptoms that this includes is low self-worth, emotional volatility, social anxiety, difficulties feeling connected to others, social withdrawal and pushing others away, and disbelief/distrust of affection or positive feedback. For many years, it was believed this was only something that could be passed through genetics in folks with ADHD, but now we have a better understanding of the symptoms and mental health, we know that RSD can exist within a variety of mental illnesses, such as ADHD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Trauma or Stress Disorders, and Eating Disorders!

Also, I decided to add headcanons for other Obey Me! characters too, given that I have a feeling that will be asked for eventually.

How they comfort an Mc with Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria

Fandom: Obey me!

Characters featured: Brothers & Datables

Genre: Comfort

Written for a GN!Mc (you/yours pronouns)

CW: Allusion to/brief mentions of past abuse but vaguely, RSD, social rejection/exclusion

Note: Though I do have a masters degree in Psychology and clinical training in treating a variety of mental health issues, I am not your therapist, nor is this fic intended to take the place of professional help. If you are experiencing any type of crisis, please seek support from a professional. Utilize the HelpGuide.org to get connected to the appropriate helpline, both in the US and internationally. 

Diavolo

Diavolo at first would be surprised that you tend to push his affections away and come off to him as cold, but that doesn’t mean he stops giving you affection!

He will keep offering you kindness and mild flirtation despite that because that’s just who he is! 

Though, this may backfire for him if you see him acting similarly with others. But you cannot ignore the fact that the way he treats you makes you feel special!

But often you question if you deserve it, and anyone who you’d bring this question to would tell you Diavolo is head over heels for you. 

If you finally decide to bring your insecurity of being rejected to him and your past history of rejection/neglect/abuse, he would double down, doing his best to prove to you that you are worthy of his love (and you are!!) 

He will probably become a lot more physically affectionate too, if that’s something you’re okay with- like lots of hand-holding and hugs for sure! 

He will also give you tons and TONS of verbal validation that he loves you (either platonically or romantically, however your Mc fits in with him!) 

Overall he’s really good at his reassurance, and does his best to rid you of your rejection fears- at least with him! He will also try to validate and ensure that others want to be around you too as best he can, though this may be harder to believe.

Barbatos

Barbatos’ cold demeanor makes him a bit harder to be vulnerable around, and it makes sense that you fear he hates you or doesn’t want to be around you when his life revolves around the prince of Hell. 

Out of habit, you try not to get close to him despite the fact that it pains you to push him away, but you’ve convinced yourself any type of relationship with him isn’t worth it.

Over time, Barbatos will be concerned with the fact that you seemingly bypass him or act very surface-level around him, but he’d be lying if he didn’t say he hadn’t noticed it with the others too. 

He tries his best to grow closer, but it all just seems like he’s doing his “job” to you. Eventually though, he will figure this out.

He would approach you about it, but gently- probably inviting you on a tea date and asking what keeps you at arms length.

He knows of your past already given his insight into your life prior to you coming here, but he would still let you talk at your own pace and not make assumptions should you decide to open up about it to him. 

Even if you decide not to open up to him, he will try harder to reaffirm the fact that he does love and admire you- perhaps still not saying it with words, but with more obvious actions- like inviting you over for tea dates, taking more specific time out of his schedule for you, learning about your tastes and making foods specifically palatable to you, etc. 

Simeon

Simeon is smitten with you so quickly, so at first he may be hurt that you are so closed off and withdrawn. 

After a while though, he will connect the dots and realize it’s not necessarily something he’s doing wrong, but due to your past experiences of people rejecting you and lying to you. 

He would sit you down to talk to you about it, maybe being a little pushy about you opening up to him, but he just really wants to understand what he could do to make you feel loved.

He delivers on his goal though, and will do anything to get you to believe him when he says he cares about you and wants you around, even going so far as to write you letters weekly and leaving them in the HOL mailbox for you to find and read over. 

He will also be much more in tune to your moods and offer whatever you may need in that moment- particularly if you’re isolating from others despite wanting interpersonal closeness. 

He will make an effort to always spend time with you and engage in your hobbies, and make room for you to engage in his as well- ensuring that the activity is much more fun when done with you. 

Solomon

Solomon is a bit more on the flirtatious side, so he may come off as just a sleeze ball at first when you meet him- resulting in you not taking any of his complements seriously. 

Once he realizes you are dismissing every single compliment thought, he gets concerned- especially because he means every word. 

He isn’t as in touch with his emotions as he used to be- living that long can sometimes jade a person. 

He wont confront you on it, instead realizing that there is probably something in your past causing you to react that way and he will aim to rectify his actions appropriately. 

If you decide to come to him though, he wont turn you away. He will listen intently and offer apologies for anything he’s said or done that had triggered your RSD. 

He will try to be more genuine in his compliments, and work with you on actually believing them instead of shrugging them off. 

He will also be more ready to stand at your aid when one of the brothers tease you- reminding them to watch who they’re insulting especially if they don’t mean it. 

Belphie

Belphie would hate to admit it, but he understands the feeling to a degree. 

He always feels like the odd one out amongst his brothers and friends alike, feeling that people are always annoyed with his low energy and random sleeping spells. 

It may take awhile for you to be convinced that he means it when he says he wants to spend time with you- mostly due to, ya know, everything. 

But over time, you would surely notice how his cuddles with you are so much different than his cuddles with his brothers- there’s a desperation to them, as if he’s afraid you’ll leave him. 

If you decide to talk to him about it, he will be very open and honest in telling you that he can relate, and ensure you that he loves and cares about you despite everything. 

Honestly, even just the talk alone may qualm your anxieties. 

He is always open to reassure you, and you may even help each other with your rejection sensitivity- taking turns asking for reassurance when it’s needed and providing validation when the other needs it would surely strengthen your bond.

Beel

At first, Beel really just thinks you want nothing to do with him or the rest of his family when you push them away and reject his attempts at getting closer.

After you sacrifice yourself for him in the catacombs though, he knows that you care about him and wants to do so much to show you he does too.

Beel has a pretty stoic face, so sometimes its hard to tell when he is expressing genuine emotion. The difficulty in reading him may make some things come across differently than how he intends. 

When he seems to not make any progress with your relationship with him, he will confront you on it- maybe a bit too directly. 

If you decide to open up to him, he will be very present in listening to why you have a hard time believing others care. 

He will wrap you in the tightest of hugs and assure you that he truly does care for you- and there’s probably not a single person he cares for more outside of his brothers like you. (expect lots more hugs from now on)

He will do his best to work on expressing more emotion outwardly, and showing you love through gift giving, acts of service,  and quality time- like inviting you to the gym, doing things for you without being asked, or bringing you treats from his outing to Madam Screams

With each action, he will finish it by saying he loves you, and each one will be wholly genuine. (I definitely can see him saying it almost as much as Asmo)

Asmo

Asmo is stunned when you don’t accept/believe any of his compliments. 

He has tried everything to convince you he is being genuine, and yet you still pull away from him.

Eventually he will be so starved for you to return his affection that he will come to you practically sobbing, wondering why you arent as enamored with him as he is you. 

Obviously this goes without saying, but it’s hard to accept the embodiment of Lust’s attempts at affection at first when you’re almost certain that all he wants from you is sex, and he doesn’t really care about you as a whole...right?

Well, you would be wrong actually. 

But Asmo doesn’t realize that’s where your heads at, so when you tell him, he sort of gets a wake up call and realizes that the genuine compliments mixed with intense flirting maybe wasn’t the best approach to take. 

From here on, a lot of the flirtatious comments are kept at a minimum, and he often reassures you of more things about you that he likes other than just your appearance or your body. 

Asmo will finish every action by stating, matter-of-factly, that he loves you and cherishes every moment you spend together. 

After awhile, it will be pretty difficult not to believe him. 

Satan

Satan is pretty aloof, especially when you are first getting to know him, so he doesn’t bat much of an eye at first when you’re a bit distant. 

Though once he warms up to you, he is a bit shocked that you are constantly avoiding his attempts at building a closer relationship to you. 

He will be especially shocked when you degrade yourself in response to his words of affirmation and attempts at romancing you

He will probably attribute it to things he personally had done- like the threats he made when he tried to force you into a pact with him

He will confront you about it quite bluntly, wanting to get to the bottom of it right away rather than letting it fester.

Once you open up to him, he will take in everything you say, immediately reworking how he approaches you in his brain. 

He’s very gentle in his reassurance that he cares about you, and that he appreciates you for who you are.

He will be very patient with you, and do whatever it takes to reaffirm you that you mean the world to him. 

He will also give more platonic physical affection (like hand-holding, snuggling, sitting close to you, etc) and make more of an effort to go out of his way to spend time with you, even digging into his brother’s quality time.

Levi

Oof, this boy hard relates to you and honestly would probably experience his own form of RSD given all he does in game with the self deprecation and difficulty accepting compliments

Honestly, he’s probably the one you would grow the most attached to given that he seems to mirror your avoidant responses and has a difficulty maintaining friendships with others

Though his comments on you being a normie and the “umm actually” attitude he has on occasion will wear on you, so he will be half surprised when you become more distant, but again his own rejection sensitivity will lead him to believe it’s because you don’t like him. 

I imagine any confrontation about the situation will have to be spur of the moment, and I can see either of you nervously blurting it out at each other (and it goes something like this)

After a long talk, you both would form a sort of kinship regarding your RSD, and this would probably bond you both pretty close. 

He’s not much for verbal affection, but he will try his best to reassure you he cares about you and loves you, and will work on reducing his own self-deprecation and accepting compliments if you promise to too.

Mammon

Mammon is completely oblivious to any signs that you are avoiding his attempts at getting closer or are triggered by his constant degrading.

He really does love you, but how are you to know when he constantly calls you stupid or useless, even if he doesn’t mean it and his brothers try to reassure you that his love for you is obvious.

It gets worse when he actually does start showing you more affection and slowly opening his true feelings to you and try to be physically close to you more. All this does is confuse you, and continue your internal cycle of thinking you’re misreading signs and actually are a nuisance to him

It will probably take a you having a break down in order for him to finally get it through his head that his words are actively hurting you and triggering your RSD

After he learns, he will feel SO terrible. Expect many apologies, tight hugs, and maybe even some tears from him as he understands more and more what you’ve been put through

From here on, he’s much more cautious in thinking over his words before he speaks, being sure that he’s not going to say anything to hurt you. 

It takes awhile and he does make mistakes, but he does his best to rectify them. 

Expect lots of make-up gifts, often things you had mentioned you wanted or needed in passing, with a formal apology and genuine iteration of how he loves you and would be lost without you.

Lucifer

Lucifer is another who is pretty aloof at first, and you wouldn’t be wrong in automatically assuming he wants nothing to do with you.

Though, after everything you’ve done for his family, he does want to get closer to you, despite the fact that his exterior is still calloused around his brothers

This may result in a lot of confusion for you. On one hand he is very soft when you’re alone, praising you and telling you how much he loves and cares...but on the other, he is distant and sometimes straight up neglectful around others.

Unintentionally, he is repeatedly triggering the RSD. He has some awareness into the fact that it impacts you eventually, but he can’t quite put his finger on it.

He would probably try to approach you about it, being overly blunt, which may come across as accusatory, so I wouldn’t be shocked if it would push you into a breakdown. 

Lucifer would soften after this and provide a nearly overwhelming amount of comfort. He will rub your back, snuggle you, give you some gentle kisses to your forehead or knuckles, and give a lot of verbal reassurance and apologies for how he’s acted. 

Once you open up, Lucifer is very receptive and will ask what you need in regards to reassurance that he does care and love you. 

He won’t automatically make assumptions, but if you’re not sure, he will try a variety of different things- like holding your hand or being physically close to you in public, more words of reassurance, taking time off work to spend time with you, gift giving, etc.

No matter what you say, consider it done- even if it may take a stab at his pride, because you’re worth sacrificing his sin for. 

[mara-tevith-solo]

Sing a Little Song For Me

Part 13 of the drabble set already! sheesh!

Warnings: Mentions of past violence, mentions of past war and death, mentions of human Quaritch being a complete ass, doubt

Pairing: Eventual Colonel Miles Quaritch x Na’vi/Avatar f!reader/oc still not described

Words: 865

Rated 18+

Taglist:  @seashelldom @perseny @tinyfairies​ @kimqueenofhell​ @blueberry-thrawn​  @drinking-tea-and-be-obsessed​

"Why do you stare at an arrow as though it offended you?" Mo'at asked as she settled next to me, groaning with her old bones.

"It did offend me." I sniffed, holding it up so that I could study the shaft for the eighteenth time that hour.

"How did it do this?" She asked, trying to contain a chuckle.

I frowned as I held it upright, showing it off like it was trash "It should have sank into the enemy, right between his eyes." I tapped the spot I had aimed at with my finger maybe a little harder than I meant to, but at least it was on myself "It flew true until the last second, where it veered enough to hit the log behind him, just off his ear." I mimed how close it had gotten before glaring at it some more.

She sighed in understanding, taking the arrow from me gently "We trust Eywa to guide our arrows, yes?" I nodded, mutely watching and listening, curious as to where she was going with the lesson "The Great Mother did not want you to kill that man. Does he still live?" I nodded again, trying not to be disrespectful with my scowling. "Eywa has a purpose for him. His fate is not for you to decide."

"It was him, Mo'at. The man that destroyed Hometree, the man that tried to destroy the Tree of Souls. Back from the dead like a demon. Why would Mother want to save him?" I was trying so hard to not be disrespectful, but I couldn't wrap my head around why Eywa would want the bastard to live.

She sighed again, sounding bone tired "I do not know the Will of Eywa, I can only guess. Whatever her reasons, they are hers. She saved both you and Jake once. Was she wrong to?" I tucked my head at her words, knowing that she had a point and hating it. She hummed softly at my non-answer, chuckling softly to herself "Trust in Eywa in all things, Ani. She will make herself known when she means to."

It was my turn to sigh as I nodded, hanging my head a bit in submission to her wisdom. "I can't pretend to understand it, or even agree with it, but if Eywa wills it, than I suppose I just have to live with it." I frowned, spinning the arrow in my palm by the nock.

"A wise decision." She hummed with a knowing smile before standing from her seat "I imagine, we will all be very surprised when Her motives are clear."

"I already am."

"Have a blessed night, Ahni Rillee. Tomorrow will be long." She chortled as she left me sitting there, still twirling the arrow, feeling conflicted and a little bit frustrated. The frustration grew moment by moment, until even my clothing felt stifling against my skin. In the heat of the moment I sprung to my feet and made my way across camp to Thor, needing to be mostly alone, needing space to breath, needing guidance. He understood immediately, diving off the ledge with gusto as we plummeted towards the forest below for an eternity of seconds before he snapped his wings open and leveled us out. He didn't ask or comment on my upheaval, only enjoyed the open air with me as the Tree of Souls came closer and closer. He only rumbled as he set down, looking around to make sure it was safe before letting me off.

I wasted little more time making tsaheylu with the vines, letting the songs of those past settle the turmoil in my mind "Great Mother, I pray for guidance, I pray for peace, I pray for clarity on the path before me. You saved an evil man from my arrow, and I know enough to not question you, but I cannot help the concern and fear it has created in my heart." I spoke quickly as I closed my eyes, afraid that my words would choke me before they all tasted the open air, before life was breathed into them. I licked my lips before trying to steady my beating heart, trying to let the songs sooth the uncertainty. My vision from all those years ago faded into my sight, the soft rolling waves on the beach meeting my ears, the salt of the sea soothing my nose. Those unspoken words like a promise to my soul 'I'm so thankful that we all survived.'.

A presence settled over me like my Mother's hugs, warm and comforting and safe no matter what. I could feel myself relax as I sighed in comfort "Do not despair my child, and trust. All will be well before the end." Mo'at's voice echoed through my skull, or at least it sounded like Mo'at, there was a sort of double tone to it, and the accent was much thicker, but it was no less comforting. Thor only wondered if I was soothed as we made the return trip, rumbling happily when I answered in the affirmative. Sleep still didn't come that night, but at least my soul was more at ease with what was to come.  

[eliyafreeman]

The day has come

25 years to 'half-life', and the other half of my life that I didn't know about. Gordon Freeman, the one thanks to him I stand and do not fall. Standing confidently in the face of fears and traumas. He fights against aliens, and I fight against my own pain. I didn't need him to be in my life for me to know he was always here. His name is enough. This name, so many connections with this name. If it's family, friends, places with the name I went to or family members were... his name rings in my ears as a reminder that he's always here. He is a ray of light at the end of the tunnel of hell. I only dream that there will be a moment and he will help me finish with humans. To finish with the abuse of humans. Their hurtful obsession... But I understood, I share a soul with someone who doesn't exist, but exists in one way or another. We both have a pair of green eyes, shining out of our shattered souls, both of us trying to pick up another piece and another piece. Like a puzzle of memories, memories of when we were sane people without worries. Until our lives turned shockingly upside down. But no one saw it coming, not even us. We are bigger than all the threats in our way. No matter how big and scary that threat is. We are bigger than fear. big together You are my other half, who completed my half-life. My broken heart knew that humans wouldn't make it right, as true love can feel, it's all in the head. This is just another danger and another shattering of another piece of my heart. You are glue that stays. A bandage that does not come off. You are even more than that. you don't exist. The concept of love is not to be hurt, and I know you will never hurt me ever. Love is a maze, it's hard to get out of it. But from the labyrinth inside your heart I will never want to leave. Imprison me in your beating heart. Every beat of your heart is what I am satisfied to hear. Hearing you being alive is all I want. I wish I could hear your voice, but hearing you alive and breathing is everything to me. The connection between us is a connection that was not and will not be with anyone else. To sit and fantasize about how you love me... there is no substitute for that. A real hug didn't feel as real as an imagined hug from you. The confidence you make me feel is huge. No it's not the gear, the guns and the nuclear weapons, it's you. Only with you I know that nothing will hurt me. My love for you is a love that cannot even be described in words... You made me a different person from that Saturday, July 30, 2022. In a moment I'm here, fighting for my life to get out of the cycle of abuse. Yes, from your serious face I don't see your feelings, but from your eyes, I see everything... The happy ending will still come, we will be set free from the battlefield, and I will reach the warm embrace of your arms .

Love you, My Gordon. 💗🧡

[sodomhipped]

'get to know your fic writer'? 👀👀 i have Questions: 12, 13, 15 & 71, please?

13. what’s a common writing tip that you almost always follow? a while ago, i was in a multi-year writer's block. while chatting with a friend, i mentioned my troubles and that i wanted to get back into writing. he said, "what's stopping you?" i struggled for an excuse, pointing out that i had very little free time and energy due to work. he said, "i get up every morning and write while i drink my coffee. if you really want to write, you'd be doing it."

at the time, i was pretty steamed about this! his wording grated at me, so i thought his answer was presumptuous. annoying, even. what did he know about my life? or my creative process?

but his words kept haunting me. and the writer's block wasn't improving, even after waiting six+ years.

finally, after simmering on these thoughts for a few months, i started tapping at stories again. then, i began to write--or at least try to write--every day. not all of it was good (in fact, a lot of it was quite bad). but it set me on a path to have some of the most fun and creative years i have ever had.

so now i write every day. or at least try to. and i recommend it to others. with a few caveats! don't put too much pressure on yourself. and if you're burnt out, give yourself space and time to heal. but if you're looking to write more or more consistently, dedicate a small, manageable period of time for thinking/writing/brainstorming/etc on a regular schedule. it can be so, so hard, but we have to intentionally make time for the things we love, including writing. even fifteen or twenty minutes a day really adds up.

15. How do you write smut scenes? Do you get very visual or detailed? How important is it to be realistic?

going into a smut scene, i typically have a few broad ideas of what i want to accomplish. there's usually some sort of character development i want to make apparent and then i'll have a handful of acts or physical descriptions i want to include. i toss it all into the draft and see how it comes out. usually, this means my smut isn't the most descriptive--i'm rarely the writer who will describe every detail of the action. but i hope it leaves the reader with strong impression of the ideas/sensations i wanted to express.

(as for the effectiveness of this approach... i cannot say)

71. When it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

i am a pretty obsessive planner. my typical approach is a general outline (which i fill in with dialogue or details that i don't want to forget). but i have to leave the outline flexible enough that my brain doesn't go "ah, done with that story!" it can be a difficult balance.

having robust notes also allows me to write out of order, which really helps my process. (though it does burden my beta more--bless them for rooting out all my continuity errors 😂).

so here's an example of what my documents usually look like (this is from my story for trigun big bang that is about half-finished and quasi-abandoned):

i write in markdown, so anything between ++pluses++ are unfinished sections and notes. these pop up in my sidebar so i can see all the things i have yet to fill in for any given chapter.

[writing meme here]

[mahoushoujotechsupport]

time for ep 5!

i definitely never paused before to look and see what it says when they show the witchboards lol so interesting to see this is written in latin 

and next shot is lukic’s book which is in english lol

my little excitable dumbass

are we ever gonna find out how conz got away with this at all before croix got to the school? like how did modding her broom not get the green team outright disqualified in the relay race lol

lmao

luna nova’s hot pot restaurant

i cannot emphasize how much i love the word vulgar. like growing up it just made me think of my parents but like a month ago i was talking to my friends about a very predominant personality type in my city and and there was just no better word to describe it than VULGAR and i felt like such an Old™️ but it was so perfect and like yea i feel you diana

lukic channeling ova diana

really i love this

lol she really said you guys are going to time out and then called them idiots

i love how ruthless this is made to feel but its like not at all really. i mean cmon, akko and amanda were being annoying and diana’s just here to do her work. no i am definitely not relating this to my time at the office dealing with stupid coworkers

hm... ok atsuko.

here’s a little treat for yall amandakko shippers

these two just fell from the sky once the sorcerer’s stone was too far away and are just perfectly fine. witches be sturdy

i know holbrooke’s a bit of an exception but man it really is amazing how akko just doesnt give up on luna nova ever. sure she came in guns blazing thinking she as a teenage girl could come help with something she had no knowledge of but like goddamn most, if not all, of the professors are so unnecessarily mean to her. 

yea sure she’s a troublemaker but moreso than the other students making fun of her, the most daunting thing really is how she gets treated by the people that are supposed to be helping her grow as both a person and a witch. like that’s your freaking job. i know there’s fics that try to humanize finnelan but nah she’s a bitch

like this is cruel lol all she did was come to do the right thing and tell the adults what happened and offer her help

bike au bike au bike au

we all shouldve picked up on sucy’s vore tendencies early on

kimochi warui

look at her hair,,,

she is literally just looking out for akko’s dumb ass here, but you know that one question that’s on psychometric assessments for ASD that goes something along the lines of “other people often tell me that what i said was impolite, even though i think it was polite” lmfao yeah

🔥 🚒 🧯

i love her so much

this scene but bike au challenge against louis

you guys will just have to deal with the random diana screenshots

you’d think with the cavendish family being such a big deal, the luna nova professors would at least know diana knows dragonese? like ok sure i get that they never even bothered thinking of getting the damn dragon loan promissory note translated but like lol

dragon text screenie

bless you conz

oh shit did not at all remember that amanda canonically calls jasminka “jasna”

akko face

really one of the best instances of “had us in the first half”

the lwa world is so amazing and ridiculous. like yea yea fafnir is a stock trading loan shark but also the idea of a dragon having this insane smart home security system set up is just lmao

☭ ☭ ☭ ☭ ☭ ☭

twitter communists calling out jeff bezos’ reptilian ass

sasuga... but really they’re so obsessed with her, how did no one know this? ya she’s following her dream and all but lmao diana’s gotta be sorely disappointed when she starts luna nova and finds out her teachers all share a brain cell

also love akko being genuinely impressed with diana’s language skills here lol

she smile

imagine how many times she just gives akko that look in the hallways later on and like the first time someone sees it happening theyre just so confused

lol everyone’s faces

diana cavendish has revoked your gay card

look at her smile again

also the little thing on holbrooke’s robes looks like a weed leaf missing the rest of its leaves in this shot

calm down you gays

ok thats a wrap on ep 5… will probably watch a couple more eps today since i don’t really have much to do

[anxietycomments]

my hot take when anyone asks isn’t even that big of a hot take. romeo and juliet is boring as fuck

BUT before anyone thinks of opening up the floodgates,, (yes this is a rant-ish post)

It’s not boring in what the message is meant to be ish (since it’s open to interpretation, obviously. this is based off my own interpretation of the play), but rather how it’s talked about, written, and/or presented. You are more likely to hear about romeo and juliet, or watch the entire play, or read the entire script, in English class. This means, of course, that it’s already heavily dumbed down in the explanation segment.

Romeo and Juliet, at its core, is about love and the great - and by great I mean very fucked up borderline obsessive - lengths one might go to get to live that love in a culture and/or setting where that’s what you’re expected and/or free to do. It’s insanity, it’s the fact that you cannot, under any circumstance, without any consequence, live without someone else. It’s the self-sacrifice over someone you love because you cannot bear the thought of something remotely bad happening to them.

Of course, this can’t be shown to kids in a school setting. That’s obviously not what they want to tell kids — to be so utterly obsessed with someone you love that you simply disregard your own being entirely, — (though that has issues on its own), so of course they’ll simplify it. Hell, even maybe tweak it a little.

What I think Romeo and Juliet is about is the desperation to be with someone you love, further enhanced where there are big, important things, such as your family, in the way. Romeo made the plan to run away with Juliet, choosing her over the people who have raised him and loved him and made him into the person he is, who will (are supposed to) love him regardless of who he is. If your family is shitty, of course they shouldn’t be a priority, but, y’k.

This is all ignoring the facts that Romeo and Juliet takes place in Ye Olden Days and not the 20th century, and that Juliet was a literal child, and other fucked-up-things-that-were-socially-acceptable-at-the-time, and how their families worked/thought/behaved/treated their kids.

It’s boring in the way it is presented and written, because there are no actual words that can describe what it was meant to be. If you have not felt or been in the position either party was, you can’t even actually truly understand Romeo and Juliet. That’s what makes it boring; the fact that people water it down because they don’t bother to or can’t comprehend the situation at its core. If you have not experienced this exact thing, the exact feelings, you just won’t get it. Hell, even I, right now, am struggling with writing this, because there are no words in the (English) language to explain it properly.

[buckttommy]

2022 writing review

tagged by: @rosesau. honestly? i'm pretty sure other people have tagged me but i wanted to wait until the very last day of december to do this because i knew i still had one more fic (101 Ways) in me so! i am sorry if you tagged me in this towards the middle/beginning of december, i forgot but i still ly

1. Number of stories posted to AO3: 14

2. Word count posted for the year: 90,600

3. Fandoms I wrote for: 9-1-1

4. Pairings: buck/eddie

5. Story with the most: 

kudos: hear me now (1733) bookmarks: also hear me now (506) comment threads: aaaand here me now again (83)

6. Work I’m most proud of (and why): bite your tongue to watch it bleed was just a stream of conscious thought turned into fic. I put Eddie on Frank's couch but it was mostly therapy for me.

7. Work I’m least proud of (and why): CATWS au because it was the most disingenuous thing i have ever written lol

8. Share or describe a favorite review you received: I've returned to Charlie (@safeashousespdf)'s comments on the bullet in my gun several times and think about them often

SHUT UPPPPP SHUT UP OKAY THIS IS SO GOOD. The use of flashbacks, the way there are all these different bits and bobs and styles all gnarled together and how it reflects all the chaos of Eddie's thoughts and his conversation with Frank and then it all just-- Freezes. Like I physically felt time slow down. Idk how you did it but that whole long flashback about Alex and high school and all of that stuff, I could literally feel it taking place between seconds. And the DIALOGUE of Eddie and Frank just having a go at each other like this?? Oh what a serve. I love when it's busy at the therapy appointment and the closeted gay men get mean <3 ALSO** RAMON AS A LONG HAUL TRUCKER WORKS SO WELL AND IS SOMETHING I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED..... ALSO SIDE NOTE: "Careful with that body, boy. People will see everything you don't want them two." I'M SO FUCKING OBSESSED WITH THIS LINE. I love when author's address characters directly for a brief moment because it's like, who is speaking?? Is Eddie saying this to himself? Is his father? Is it someone else? Are we breaking the fourth wall by acknowledging Eddie as a character, trapped within a narrative that doesn't want him to be happy??? IS IT ALL OF THE ABOVE??? And the way you refer to his body as a secondary object: something he owns rather than something he is. Something that he can commodify, he can sell it to the military or to his father or manipulate it so that nobody can see who he really is. That also fucked me up. Anyway this was incredible, Jack.

9. A time when writing was really, really hard: Buddie Big Bang was one the worst writing experiences of my life. Will I probably do it again? Sure. But I hated it in the moment.

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: Writing smut in CATWS AU and Bittersweet and Cruel. I've never wanted to write smut, and still don't want to. Hated every second of it, never doing that again.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing: Honestly? I have quite a few lines that had me shook, like, purely just cannot believe they came from my brain. But the first two bits that came to mind are

across our great divide:

El Paso has a way of drawing blood, all hometowns do. That's how your roots grow, after all, right through the soil upon which you bled and then back up under your skin, forever tying you to the land that birthed you.

speak in the silence:

[...] As if love is a currency, a bartered exchange between two distant parties. Hell, maybe in his family, that is all it will ever be. But that is not is not love. Love is a garden that leaves blossoms on your tongue and teeth, planting seeds every time you kiss the cheek of someone you adore and cradle. Love is soot under your nails and smoke in your skin, because love always leaves the ninety-nine to save the one. Love is the giggle of your son pressed against the cotton of your shirt, and a rosepetal birthmark above a strong brow set in a kind face, and a home-cooked meal spread out on a long wooden table. Love, Eddie knows now, is an action verb; it is not just an inkstain in Merriam-Webster's; it lives and breathes and weaves and anchors. It exists, even if it runs dry within the walls of his parents' home.

12. How did you grow as a writer this year: I finally became more settled into my identity as a writer; I know what I like. I know what I don't. I know what ways I still want to challenge myself, what things aren't for me. I took risks with enormous payoff and I took risks that I maybe shouldn't have, but I did them and that's what matters most at the end of it, since the past cannot be rewritten.

13. How do you hope to grow next year: Not sure! I guess I'll figure it out as the opportunities come along.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer, beta, cheerleader, etc): @kitkatpancakestack @malinaa and @rosesau, you guys challenge and inspire my writing all the time so thank you <3

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: *gestures wildly at bite your tongue*

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: You will never, ever, ever write like anyone/everyone else. Even your favorite authors, so please stop trying. Embrace who you are as a writer and, if you don't know who that is, explore it. You are the only one who can/will ever write like you so don't hide behind trying to write like others; it won't work and it'll only make you miserable.

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: Most of my projects are for IRL writing, but! My goals are to: finish the second draft of my {REDACTED NOVEL}, explore the bounds of an idea I have for a short story collection in the same universe, and publish a few fun fic things along the way :) :) :)

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read. @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels @extasiswings @sabitchhh @kitkatpancakestack @kirkaut @rewritetheending @raisesomehale @malinaa <333

[sapphicsoie]

73 questions

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? solid 6, i am excited to live in norway for 5 months.

describe yourself in a hashtag? #wellshitok

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? timothee chalamet if it's a film that has the vibe of cmybn, but tom holland if it's a movie that is mainstream.

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? probably something like "don't worry!"

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? people don't know that i sleep with a baby blanket named blankey who is actually not a blanket i have had since i was a baby but actually the same type of blanket i had when i was 5. this is the third blanket i have had since then, she (yes she uses she/her pronouns) is from lands end (i buy a new one whenever she turns to literal threads). i got the one i sleep with now when i was 15.

what’s your wake up ritual? i don't really have one unless i'm like at camp or have class, then i will read in bed for a bit if i can, shower, drink a tea and eat breakfast, and brush my teeth last. i also like to listen to music.

what’s your go to bed ritual? i always wash my face and either shower or have a bath, then do skincare, take out contacts, brush teeth, put on lip balm, read in bed, then sleep.

what’s your favorite time of day? i love when the sun is setting.

your go to for having a good laugh? tiktok, or sonny with a chance or kim possible compilations.

dream country to visit? iceland or new zealand

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? that my dad who is slightly homophobic is actually into kinky gay sex and is a bottom.

heels or flats/sneakers? sneakers.

vintage or new? depends, i would say new for clothes because they don't make cute vintage clothes for fat women, but i love vintage cameras and furniture

who do you want to write your obituary? my best friend katie and if i die before her, my mom.

style icon? fictional? noora amelie sætre. irl? i love zendaya's style for the most part.

what are three things you cannot live without? my phone, my antidepressants, and something to read.

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? GARLIC but also love salt and pepper. i am very white.

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? ummmm maybe like my grandma who i never met and or like isak valtersen, sana bakkoush and even bech næsheim from skam lmao.

what’s your biggest fear in life? feeling like my life is meaningless and i won't be rememebered.

window or aisle seat? used to be window, now it's aisle. i gotta pee!!

what’s your current tv obsession? haven't been watching tv AT ALL but i loved moon knight.

favorite app? tumblr or ao3 if that counts as an app, more of a website tho

secret talent? i am very flexible, and can do all three splits, and a perfect cartwheel.

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? i dated a girl in high school in a small town in the deep south

how would you define yourself in three words? determined, honest, lonely

favorite piece of clothing you own? rn it's a plain ribbed t-shirt from target

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? plain ribbed shirt and comfy high rise jeans

a superpower you would want? shape shifting

what’s inspiring you in life right now? to be transparent, i am simply existing for the most part. i do really want to graduate so i can move to nyc and try acting and not be in school for the first time in 15 years.

best piece of advice you’ve received? that it is okay to feel and show your emotions and that doesn't make you any less strong or capable.

best advice you’d give your teenage self? you won't feel this awful forever. i promise. also, don't let her hurt you over and over again. and lastly, just because you are in pain doesn't mean you have to force your anger and sadness and despair onto others, be kind.

a book everyone should read? i don't read as much as i used to, but i think a book/series that made me who i am is a series of unfortunate events by lemony snicket.

what would you like to be remembered for? i hope i'm remembered as someone who left the world better than it was in some way shape or form, even if it's trivial.

how do you define beauty? i think it depends on the person and what kind of beauty. i think there is no simple way to define beauty because it's so subjective.

what do you love most about your body? my eyes, they are a really pretty shade of blue with a gold ring around the pupil.

best way to take a rest/decompress? listen to music, read, lay in the pitch dark listening to music or city rain sounds

favorite place to view art? gonna be transparent i cannot look at art for more than like 30 seconds, so maybe a museum but i don't really view art :/

if your life was a song, what would the title be? liability by lorde.

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? piano, i played it growing up but stopped.

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? probably somewhere pretty hidden, maybe my ankle or the side of ribs?? idk

dolphins or koalas? koalas literally fuck dolphins

what’s your spirit animal? a platypus.

best gift you’ve ever received? probably my macbook, i use it a lot. idk i've never been given a super sentimental gift?? my friend recently gave me a really pretty drawing of me for my birthday though.

best gift you’ve given? horrible at gifts but got my dad a fancy speaker for christmas but little does he know it was 75% off.

what’s your favorite board game? don't really play them at all and never really have but i like chess

what’s your favorite color? baby pink

least favorite color? any bright colour. or like orange. or teal. i am picky.

diamond or pearls? pearls!!!

drugstore makeup or designer? mostly designer but the occasional drugstore product

blow-dry or air-dry? air-dry unless someone else is doing my hair

pilates or yoga? yoga

coffee or tea? tea, but if i need caffeine, coffee.

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? hippomonstrosesquippiedaliophobia.

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? milk but i'm not a huge chocolate gal

stairs or elevators? elevators

summer or winter? winter 4ever i hate sweating

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? probably something nutritious if we are being practical like salmon and quinoa but if we are being honest, steak and yorkshire pudding

a dessert you don’t like? super chocolatey stuff. or ice cream that is fruit flavoured. disgusting.

a skill you’re working on mastering?

best thing to happen to you today? the children went home and i get to drink tonight

worst thing to happen to you today? woke up at 7.30 am and had to spend time with children until they finally left at 12 pm

best compliment you’ve ever received? that i am determined and resilent.

favorite smell? christmas eve candle by yankee candle. smells like childhood.

hugs or kisses?

if you made a documentary, would it be about? a documentary about how internet culture and grooming affected girls born in the late 90's-early 2000's, like myself and so many of my friends did some crazy shit online as a kid.

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry?

lipstick or lipgloss? lipgloss!!

sweet or savory? savoury but i also love sweets

girl crush? zendaya, maybe margot robbie?? josefine frida pettersen is gorgeous

how do you know your in love? when you never get tired of being around them. like your social battery never runs out with them.

a song you can listen to on repeat? currently kjøre oss by marie ulven (girl in red before she was girl in red)

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? probably a rich person who lives in nyc or canada or norway

what are you most excited for about this time in your life? moving to oslo in the fall!!

tagged by @silkscream

tagging: @peterthepark @spidervee @indouloureux

[sparklingsin]

73 questions

i was tagged by @justapurrcat lysm bb

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? about 5.

describe yourself in a hashtag? #tiredawkwardanddesprateforloveandafuckingbreak

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? probably tom.

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? "i wanna die but i want to eat a tteokpokki"

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? that i am a smut writer lol

what’s your wake up ritual? wake up feeling exhausted, ponder if i even need my job, check my phone and then go have a bath.

what’s your go to bed ritual? i wash my face with cold water, brush my teeth, drink water, maybe watch a movie or read r if I'm tired scroll through tumblr and sleep.

what’s your favorite time of day? the night, sunrise.

your go to for having a good laugh? watch an episode of brooklyn nine nine or watch daniel sloss.

dream country to visit? Greece.

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? all of my friends showing up for my birthday when I was 11.

heels or flats/sneakers? prefer sneakers but adore heels.

vintage or new? both.

who do you want to write your obituary? my loved ones.

style icon? probably zendaya and blake lively.

what are three things you cannot live without? my laptop, my loved ones, sweet food.

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? idk lol, salt? 💀

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? I'm gonna go for the famous people route and pick d.b. cooper, j.f.k and one of the Alcatraz escapees - to know their story yes

what’s your biggest fear in life? being a failure.

window or aisle seat? window.

what’s your current tv obsession? stranger things/ heartstopper.

favorite app? tumblr.

secret talent? I am a decent dancer and singer lol

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? held a snake? drove through the night in pelting rain?

how would you define yourself in three words? artistic, calm, sad

favorite piece of clothing you own? my royal blue velvet gown

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? black leather/denim jacket

a superpower you would want? teleportation

what’s inspiring you in life right now? not much, ngl

best piece of advice you’ve received? "expect disappointment and you'll never be disappointed"

best advice you’d give your teenage self? everything you're going through will seem almost insignificant in the future.

a book everyone should read? ahh i haven't read in so long, and honestly i can't think of anything rn.

what would you like to be remembered for? my art and how much I loved my people :3

how do you define beauty? you'll find it where you want to.

what do you love most about your body? on most days i hate it, on days I don't - my height and lips

best way to take a rest/decompress? hot milk, paint something, a blanket, sleep

favorite place to view art? in a loved one's company

if your life was a song, what would the title be? "why am I like this?" by orla gartland

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? guitar

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? inside of my forearm of my hip bone.

dolphins or koalas? dolphins

what’s your spirit animal? an owl

best gift you’ve ever received? anything that was ever handmade by anyone. it means the world to me when people put in that extra effort

best gift you’ve given? i am known to give the best gifts, but personally, a set of hand painted postcards.

what’s your favorite board game? monopoly the hp version

what’s your favorite color? blue and black

least favorite color? pink

diamond or pearls? diamonds

drugstore makeup or designer? idk????? i haven't gotten into makeup yet

blow-dry or air-dry? blowdry

pilates or yoga? Yoga.

coffee or tea? neither

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? English as a whole is weird af.

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? milk.

stairs or elevators? stairs.

summer or winter? Winter.

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? burgers or any indian curry with roti <333

a dessert you don’t like? pie

a skill you’re working on mastering? being a better daughter

best thing to happen to you today? had my boss at work praise me a lot

worst thing to happen to you today? i didn't recieve my new laptop and i am pmsing

best compliment you’ve ever received? a visually impaired person told me i was beautiful.

favorite smell? rose, petrichor, old yellowed books

hugs or kisses? hugs

if you made a documentary, would it be about? probably true crime.

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? final episode of stranger things vol 2 😀

lipstick or lipgloss? lipstick

sweet or savory? sweet

girl crush? every woman ever? ok but my tshwriternet girlies, blake lively, zendaya, gemma chan, lizzo, doja cat

how do you know you're in love? when they're the first person to cross your mind for anything

a song you can listen to on repeat? whatever I'm obsessed with at that moment

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? a dog

what are you most excited for about this time in your life? not much really? making them bills for my parents?

tagging: @runesandmoons @rayisthehoe @ebureon @spideysbae @cutetomholland and whoever wants to do this!

[sleepless-in-transitory-thoughts]

Living the dreams of the boy who never saw the light of day:

I went to the casting for Erik Yvon's AFW runway show. It was the first casting I have ever gone to for anything. Basjia was kind enough to put a number of people forward for casting and I was one of them. Just this one act of kindness, made me feel seen. It is really nice to feel like someone out here, believes you are capable of something that you doubt you have the look or ability to do. I know that I love and believe in myself, but others may or may not (which I am okay with...but it does feel really nice when others see you).

I don't have any particular attachment to getting it or not. I am just grateful that I got to experience doing a casting. I never in my life thought I would ever get the opportunity to do casting for anything. So doing this casting is honestly more than I could ever ask for already--teenage/early twenties me would think thirty-six year old Shin is so cool. At the same time, I believe that I am living my early twenties the way I deserved to live it the first time round but never got to. As wise as I am now, I feel like I'm ageing backwards (perks of being trans and autistic, I guess...hah).

I used to be an extremely shy and anxious person. I would get extremely self-conscious and feel a lot of shame eating in front of people other than my family, when I was a teenager, just as an extreme example. I would also freeze up socially because I didn't really know what to say or do. Also, when I first started to play dj sets here in Melbourne about 7 or 8 years ago now, I would get crippling stage fright. I would be trembling as I was using the CDJs and mixer. Words cannot describe the amount shame, self-hatred, unrealistic pressure and extreme anxiety I used to experience over absolutely everything. It was a truly suffocating existence.

Nowadays, I walk balls, pose for photos and I perform in front of many people. Whilst I still get very nervous and anxious, I can mostly get myself through it and any shame around looking dumb or doing it wrong, is manageable. Me doing a casting in front of people who work in the fashion industry, one of the most daunting and most toxic industries, is a massive achievement. To me, I had already fulfilled a dream. Anything beyond this, is a beautiful gift and experience that I will cherish and make the most of for however short or long a time it lasts. I might add also, that one of my techniques for easing anxiety is to have no expectation of an outcome in the first place. Because anxiety is about gaining control of future outcomes that are usually bad (so basically, anticipating disappointment, hurt, loss etc). When you don't expect anything, you are free from the attachment to the source of your expectations. Expectations seek to acquire, which is okay and normal for things like, when I go to Coles, I expect that the price for a 1.25L Sprite is under $5.

I think I am fast learning that I don't need to search too hard to find myself. I love, appreciate and admire who I have become today and how I continue to learn and grow as a human walking the soil of this dying planet. I know that I am a much better person than I used to be. I have made mistakes and I have hurt people and myself in the past, but I have learnt forgiveness for myself and that I must continue my learnings and make good of them henceforth.

Whatever happens with this casting is beyond my control now and I am okay with that. I do not create friction or flow against the fabrics of what is already in motion. I do not fret over what I do not know about this. I have full acceptance of what is--and what is has not yet arrived. Until it arrives, it does not exist in my universe. I do not interact with what does not exist materially for me in this physical realm and dimension. That is called a delusion. Sometimes an obsession, a yearning for, a desperation...a crease and a friction in the fabric of destiny.

[raine-kai]

Contextualizing the Messy AkiHaru Scene

So...it came to my attention that a lot of translations of the scene where Akihiko crashes at Haruki's house in chapter 20 of the manga or the anime movie suggest that nothing happened more than we see in the panels/on the screen.

This is a translation error. The Japanese is unambiguous that a lot happened during the scene break; the art backs this up, in the change to Haruki's hairstyle from before to after the scene break.

Mainly, I want to retranslate for people who are interested, who didn't know that this was a mistranslation. But, I think that no matter how the scene is translated, there are subtexts and undercurrents that are lost, that cannot be simply translated into existence.

So I would like to explain several things in the lead-up to the scene in question, as well as in the aftermath, in order to hopefully give more context.

WARNINGS FOR SPOILERS AND NONCON

Notes on Translation: Given astonished me from its very first chapter with its deliberate and brilliant use of words. It is a story that is so incredibly articulate when it wants to be that moments of wordlessness or fragmented words are equally articulate, for they are crafted with as much deliberation and care as the articulate moments. As anyone knows who has ever tried to translate something, just plain translating the surface meaning of words often leaves a lot of the meaning behind. I will do my best to convey in English what the original text conveyed to me in Japanese, but it will inevitably fall short of the original text.

The Lead-In

First off, let's talk about Akihiko and the particular damage that he brings with him into this scene. He, of course, has the argument with Ugetsu and the fact that he has nowhere to go; but he has also been living this way for two years, presumably only a little longer than he has known Haruki. Akihiko describes the patterns that he and Ugetsu go through:

[Translation: "Even since Ugetsu and I broke up, we periodically continue to clash. Sometimes it's about the timing at which Ugetsu found a new guy. Sometimes it's just before or after Ugetsu is away for a long time. Sometimes these clashes come suddenly, immediately after we have been intimate for a few days, just like we used to be.]

Later, Akihiko reveals that he has a pattern of dealing with being kicked out of the home he shares with Ugetsu by finding someone, anyone to stay with. He has come to associate these stays as transactions, where the thing that he provides is most often sex. (We also see this transaction-based approach in his relationship with Ugetsu, for whom he feels compelled to cook—a thing that he later continues for Haruki with an urgency that does not match Haruki's easygoing acceptance of this dynamic.)

In fact, we see hints that perhaps Akihiko associates crashing with someone with providing sex to a deeper degree than even he acknowledges, in a scene in volume 1 where he crashed at Haruki's apartment while drunk, and upon stating it would be too much trouble to pull out a futon, did not merely crawl into bed with Haruki, but on top of him.

[Translation: Haru: Akihiko, get a futon and sleep wherever... Aki: Whaaat? But that's so much effort... Haru: So sleep on the....floor....]

So this is a deeply engrained association for Akihiko.

However, it is also a part of his life that he has gone out of his way to conceal from Haruki. From Haruki, he has not merely concealed the many times that he has essentially prostituted himself for a place to sleep; he has also hidden from Haruki that he has any flatmate at all, much less the nature of his relationship with said flatmate.

Haruki has the idea that Akihiko used to sleep around, but does not anymore. He is blinded partly by his own desire to see only the best parts of Akihiko; he is also blinded by Akihiko's desire to only reveal the best parts of himself to Haruki.

In volume 4, we see the moment that Akihiko lets slip that he has a flatmate, and the degree to which this shakes Haruki.

But the more emotional moment for Haruki comes when he realizes that Akihiko is talking to him on the phone while having sex with a woman.

[Translation: "That was a woman.... He was totally having sex."]

No promises have been broken; no trust has been betrayed. But there is an illusion of Akihiko that Haruki has, that Akihiko himself has carefully cultivated over the recent months for a reason that even he cannot explain. It is a paper-thin illusion, that only held up because Akihiko and Haruki both wanted it there.

But now, that illusion is shattering.

This just so happens to overlap with Take suggesting that Haruki take on a support role in his ex-gf's band.

Haruki has struggled from volume 1 with insecurities. He is the band leader; he is the one who brought them together, the one who runs their social media, the one who keeps them in line. Given is a band that absolutely would never have existed without Haruki. Yet he feels outshined by the other three members. There are several scenes depicting Haruki struggling with this. Akihiko is often the one to whom he voices his insecurities, and always without fail sets him straight. There is one particular exchange, during the same conversation when Akihiko reveals that he has a flatmate, when Haruki calls himself ordinary (凡人枠) and Akihiko retorts that he is not, he is 調停者枠....which is difficult to translate, but essentially means mediator, but in this case is denoting that he is the one who brings the different pieces of the band together (both musically, and as a person). Akihiko tells him then, "You're the one that everybody seeks," with a particular look in his eyes even as he reaches for Haruki's face. (Haruki pulls away and Akihiko pulls back and laughs it off.)

But the undercurrent is, for the first time, Haruki is beginning to see the truth of the words that he never quite believed. He is wanted and needed...he just needs to find a way to explain this to the other members of Given. In particular, Akihiko, who has always felt to Haruki like someone on equal or higher footing than himself, despite Haruki himself being older.

And these are the undercurrents at play as we head into the scene in question.

The Crucial Chapters 19-20

Akihiko shows up on Haruki's doorstop in the middle of the night, with an injured face from a fight with Ugetsu.

Haruki lets him in and they start talking as usual....but this time, it's different. They are both just a little bit at odds in a way they have never been before.

Haruki is aware, now, of a facet of Akihiko's life that until recently he had believed was left in the past.

Akihiko perceives that Haruki is hiding something, and in his typical way, immediately wants to know what it is.

This is why, when Akihiko asks his questions and asks if Haruki is hiding something, Haruki snaps back in a way we have never seen him do before:

[Tr: "[I am, but] you're one to talk!"]

Akihiko grabs Haruki by the wrist and asks again, and Haruki tells him...but throws in that the band he is doing support for is his ex's band.

Akihiko responds, "So you're going back to your ex?" and proceeds to crawl on top of Haruki to acknowledge for the first time what has always been unspoken between them: "You're in love with me, yet you're gonna run away?"

As Haruki lies sputtering for a response (he tries to pretend ignorance, but can't finish a sentence, between Akihiko pressing closer and his own shock) Akihiko reaches for Haruki's braid—the hair that Haruki has been growing out for as long as he has known Akihiko, as something like a wish charm (願掛け) for his love; the hair that Akihiko is somewhat obsessed with, taking every opportunity he can to play with it or style it—and speaks words that reveal that he is still fixated on Haruki's ex.

[Full text: 春樹さぁ、元カノがどうとか言ってたけど、お前こんなんで本当に女なんか抱いてたの？

Translation: You talk about this ex-girlfriend, Haruki, but did you seriously have sex with women like this?

Note: the こんなんで/"like this" is beautifully ambiguous. On a surface level of course it is referring to Haruki's long hair—with all the years of pining and love for Akihiko that that implies—but it also draws attention to how they are right now. The fact that Akihiko has crawled on top of Haruki as he has before, and Haruki does not fully push him away. It draws attention to the way that Akihiko himself is so central to Haruki's entire being.]

While Haruki flushes and thinks to himself, "Shut up, shut up! I did have sex with women, before I met you!" Meanwhile, Akihiko kisses him—a kiss that the art carefully does not show us lip-to-lip, either only showing us angles where we cannot see the point of contact, or focusing on the contact of only their tongues. Make no mistake, this is not a romantic kiss. This is a kiss full of frustration and pent up emotions and two years of unspoken, unacknowledged emotion brewing between these two.

Akihiko begins to strip Haruki further, and Haruki interjects, 「え、うそ、うそうそ、待った」(tr: "Wha- wait wait wait, just a sec"), which Akihiko ignores, and proceeds to begin performing oral sex on Haruki, even as he acknowledges internally that his actions are taking out his frustration with Ugetsu on Haruki.

[Note: the words Haruki uses at this point are not clear "Stop" signals. え、うそ、待った are all words that convey shock and uncertainty, and it is noteworthy that Haruki does not at any point use a word that would convey an equivalent of "Stop". That doesn't make this consensual, as his consent has not been obtained, but this is important to note, that Haruki deliberately does not ever outright tell Akihiko to stop.]

This is where Akihiko reflects on his messy relationship with Ugetsu, and the lingering hold it has on him:

Even since Ugetsu and I broke up, we periodically continue to clash. Sometimes it's about the timing at which Ugetsu found a new guy. Sometimes it's just before or after Ugetsu is away for a long time. Sometimes these clashes come suddenly, immediately after we have been intimate for a few days, just like we used to be. Like he is urging me, "Great, here's an opportunity. Let's part ways and break up for real." Like he is shutting me out of his world by force, to reinforce that he doesn't need me. What the hell? If you don't want me, why do you allow me to hold on? If you sympathize with my holding on, why do you try to throw me away? I want to trap you. I want to escape. I want to give up. I can't fully give up. I want to touch you. I can't breathe...

And when Akihiko comes back to the present, some time has past. His shirt is gone, Haruki places a hand over Akihiko's with tears in his eyes, and for the first time, says やめてよ [approx. translation: "Please stop," but this is a very gentle way of saying it—a plea in softer language]....and then continues, そんな顔しないでよ、辛そうな顔しないでよ、なんなの？言ってよ、なんでもしてあげるから [tr: "Please stop looking like that, like you're in such pain...What is it? Please tell me. I would give you anything."]

It is the なんでもしてあげるから here that is utterly striking. @edragoon​ and I debated translations and arrived on "I would give you anything" as the best option, but even with Haruki's soft language leading up to this, even with his words so focused on Akihiko's pain, the sheer love conveyed by these words is heart-wrenching—as is the art, Haruki's hand reaching out to Akihiko's face.

Akihiko has unearthed Haruki's unspoken feeling as part of his self-destructive spiral in a move that he no doubt expected to hurt Haruki, but instead, Haruki has owned up to his no longer hidden feelings and offers all of himself to Akihiko; turns the focus back onto Akihiko and his pain, rather than on himself, as Akihiko probably expected. As no doubt has happened in similar situations with Ugetsu.

And Akihiko, caught between Haruki here and the mess in his heart that is Ugetsu, expresses resentment that these words are coming from Haruki instead of Ugetsu.

"Why did you have to be the one to say that?" Akihiko laments silently, and then out loud,

[tr: "Telling you won't change anything."]

He follows this up with a small, "Sorry," and wonders to himself "Why couldn't it have been you?" (In Japanese, as in English, it is ambiguous whether he is wishing that Haruki were the one he wanted those words from, or that Ugetsu were the one saying those words. The last use of "you" in his internal monologue was directed at Haruki, supporting the first interpretation, but he is also lost in his head, so it would be no surprise if he is swaying back and forth.)

The scene breaks here, and on the next page, Haruki is curled up facing the back of the couch, fully dressed in new clothes and his hair now pulled back in a ponytail, and Akihiko is seated on the floor with his back to the couch, shirtless.

[Tr: "I'm sorry. Truly. I was completely in the wrong."]

Haruki responds, "That's not the part I want an apology for," even as he remembers those damning words, Telling you won't change anything.

[Tr: "...I said I'd give you anything. By the end it was basically consensual."]

Haruki goes on to say Akihiko is free to stay over, but he will be going to a friend's place.

Akihiko visibly panics, but only manages to call Haruki's name once as Haruki tells him he can use anything, can leave the door unlocked, but simply should be gone by morning.

Haruki leaves the apartment, and we see him cry as he walks through the darkened streets as those words Akihiko spoke again.

Left behind, Akihiko berates himself for how much he lets himself lean and depend (甘える) on Haruki, and he reflects on the events with his family and Ugetsu that lead him to where he is, without anywhere else to go. [NOTE: this is no doubt a significant factor in his later decision to move out of Haruki's apartment once as he goes through the process of bettering himself.] He contemplates the ways in which he has behaved towards Haruki, the parts of his own life he has almost instinctively hidden from his view.

Akihiko spends the night on the floor by the couch. (A shot of the clock at one point tells us it is 1:20am.)

We see morning dawn, and it is as Take is at work discussing lunch break that he gets a text from Akihiko, asking if he's seen Haruki. It is in the evening, when Take goes home, that he finds Haruki listless and hollow-eyed in front of his apartment.

The clock reads 9:40pm when Haruki comes home at last. Apart from the few hours he was with Take, Haruki has spent the better part of a night and a day alone who knows where.

[Tr: "Oh, you're still here"]

The hair that Akihiko had adored, the hair that Haruki had been growing since the day he met and fell for Akihiko, is cut short.

The Aftermath

The two of them don't shy away from the subtext of the last day—especially Haruki, who says blandly, "Sorry, but I'm tired after your rejection of my feelings, as you can see. Please go home." And when Akihiko tries to reach for him with a, "Wait, but—" his hand his slapped away by Haruki, who informs him, "Look, I'm angry at you." and cuts off Akihiko's attempted apology one syllable in with an admonishment that an apology will only make him angrier.

But Akihiko says what he should have said the night before—that he is at the end of his rope and has nowhere to go. He quietly asks to be permitted to stay in Haruki's apartment, assuring him that he will sleep on the floor, that he will not do anything again. He begs for Haruki to help him.

Haruki is furious.

「サイアク」the narration repeats: "[This/he] is the worst."

At last, Haruki agrees, but with the words, "If you weren't a band member, I'd throw you out."

The next day at band practice, Akihiko and Haruki are wildly out of sync, and while Haruki puts on a carefree smile for Uenoyama and Mafuyu, he is still spiraling with despair and humiliation.

And yet Akihiko too is on pins and needles, reacting with abject (though silent) horror when Uenoyama asks Haruki what's wrong.

But Haruki tells Uenoyama and Mafuyu nothing, and when he walks off and Akihiko goes after him, the words that come out of his mouth are all about his insecurities about his place in the band. About how he is too ordinary and does not belong in such a band of geniuses.

This is not what Akihiko was expecting his outburst to be about; this is also familiar territory for him, that he knows how to handle. Akihiko knows music.

He assures Haruki of why his music was off today, as he would have any other day. He assures Haruki that he is utterly deserving of his place in their band, as he has so many times before.

[Tr: "I've pretty much always told you that you're necessary, haven't I!?"]

And all at once, memories come rushing back to Haruki of so many times that Akihiko has told him of his value.

Haruki's anger loses its momentum and he deflates. They had back to Haruki's apartment, with Akihiko promising to cook dinner, as he is the freeloader. (Another nod to his tendency to view these arrangements as transactional.)

Living together proves a disillusionment process for Haruki. Of course, the night that Akihiko first came to his apartment was the enormous catalyst, but the disillusionment process continues.

All of those ways in which he had formerly idealized Akihiko crumble one after another for Haruki as they live together. Akihiko cooks, but he only has one flavor profile, and often makes fried rice. Akihiko spends most of his days on music, be it violin or the drums, and it is louder than Haruki is used to with his bass—it is also evidence that Akihiko is the musician he is because he puts in the work, not just inherent talent.

...And that brings us to the end of volume 4, so I think I shall stop here!

If you read all this way, thank you, and I hope this added something positive to your day!

[snow-in-the-desert]

Dramione Recommendations

Ok so, 2020 has been A LOT but on a personal note one of the most surprising things to happen was me discovering Dramione fanfiction and becoming unashamedly obsessed with it. I really didn’t see that coming but I’m here now and I’m here to stay. 

I think I started reading in the Dramione fandom around mid July last year?? (In all honesty I’ve lost any true sense of time’s progression at this point so I could be well off the mark with that) And I’ve decided to compile a list of all my favourite fics I’ve read so far. Why? I really just want to gush over all the amazing writers I have found through this fandom because y’all deserve it. 

Side note: If any of the authors actually sees this post just dm so I can buy you coffee or post you writing supplies or something idk I feel like that’s the least I can do for all your amazing work x

Remain Nameless by @heyjude19-writing

Ok I have to start with RN because this fic is pretty much the sole reason I decided to create an account with A03 or a tumblr or just decided to get involved with this fandom at all. 

I headcannon this story hard. But I think even if you aren’t a fan of Dramione you should just read this because it is so unbelievably good and well written and poignant and Draco’s sarcastic personality in this is truly a thing of beauty in this - I relate to his inner monologue’s on a deep personal level. 

I could rave about this story any time, any day of the week, just ask me. In fact, maybe I’ll just start a HeyJude19 fan club to fulfill that urge.

There are so many elements that I love but for the sake of brevity, RN is a beautifully told story of Draco and Hermione finding love and healing in a post-war HP setting. Heyjude19 had the very special ability of making me want to simulatenously laugh, cry and swoon with the power of her words. Just stop what you are doing and go read it now if you havent already, ok?  

I also really enjoyed reading Bells on a Hill, Beers, Potions and Unwise Notions and A Shift in Focus, if you are looking for smaller fics, definitely give these a go. They are all funny and heartfelt stoires that will make your tippy toes wriggle with glee. 

The Rights and Wrongs Series by @lovesbitca8

The Right Thing To Do, All The Wrong Things and The Auction are the holy trinity of Dramione writing. I have christened it thus, so mote it be. And frankly I’m not interested in any other opinion than that one, thank you very much!

After reading this series I don’t think I’ll be able to look back on the orginal HP books without thinking of Hermione’s and Draco’s memories of their time at Hogwarts in these fics as anything other than strictly cannon. 

So many things to love about this series but I think one of the major highlights was Hermione and Draco’s use of occlumency. LoveBitca8 created such beautiful visuals with how occlumency works as a magical practice and seeing Draco and Hermione so devoted to eachother to the point of safeguarding their inner most feelings to protect eachother was unbelievably romantic and poetic. 

Also the smut is divine ;)

Manacled by @senlinyu​

My heart will never be the same after reading this story. Like I actually can’t think about this fic without getting a lump at the back of my throat. I have never felt so emotionally ruined after reading anything, compared to the likes of this fic. Just please, please read it. To badly quote HP, reading Manacled will make you suffer but you’re going to be happy about it.

The flashbacks are a rollercoaster in of themselves but the way Hermione inadvertently refers to them when she is still in a state of memory loss was so heartbreaking to read. My heart still aches for them both. Also its a truly satisfying to see Draco and Hermione written in a way were they are both so fiercly protective of one another. They make my insides go soft. 

I also really enjoyed Snow Fall, Now Is A Gift and All You Want by the author but to be honest anything written by Senlinyu is always thoroughly enjoyable and worth a look. 

The Erised Effect by @adaprix​

Ada is QUEEN of dramione smut but ‘The Erised Effect’ is top tier. Its equal parts funny, romantic, sentimental and oh so sexy. Ada really knows how to build and build on sexual tension and doesn’t disappoint on the final delivery. I’m a big admirer of her writing style and just veraciously read whatever she posts but ‘The Erised Effect’ is just golden. A must read. (Also Pansy’s sexual fantasy in this story is a visual I don’t think I’ll ever be able to remove from my brain so thanks for that Ada)

Also quick side note: Adaprix’ stories were the first I read when I was looking into this fandom and it was enough to get me hooked on the pairing from the get go so I have that to thank Ada for too. I remember devouring all the stories she had posted to A03 and when I was done I was like... now what am I supposed to do with my life?? And that’s basically when I began to look deeper into the fandom and thus the course of my life in 2020 changed for the better. 

Some other stories I love by her are Break for Me, All My Sins, The Big 4-0, The Fucklust Series and The Flat in Bath. 

Clean by @olivieblake​

This 6th Year AU where Draco and Hermione work together on a class assignment and end up falling in love had me feeling all kinds of ways when I read it. I almost don’t know where to start but I think one of the stand out things for me was how immersed I felt in reading it. 

Hogwarts is captured really well, you get a good sense of class atmospheres, character nuances and behind the scenes of events that happen in HBP but from a Draco and Hermione’s perspectives. It’s well executed and intricate tapestry of a fic. With an excellent plot twist ending! 

Also Hermione and Draco’s relationship in this is equal parts fluffy and smutty and it just ticks all the right boxes that you want to see for those characters ;)

Breath Mints / Battle Scars by @onyx-and-elm​

The angst in this one is just *chef’s kiss*

God I love this fic. The way Draco is portrayed is very true to his defensive and tetchy character in the original books but he is also given so much more depth. The way his diary entries are written are just so well executed. It’s a true testament to the author’s creative writing skill. And I LOVE how even though Draco is clearly in such a messed up place, he still has a basic level of self respect and dignity that he won’t tolerate being used or undervalued in his relationship with Hermione. 

Yep, I really love Draco’s characterisation in this one if you can’t tell.  But Hermione is also well written too. Her stuggles and trauma of returning to Hogwarts after war is described in a believable and grounded way. And my heart definitely ached for them both. I just wanted to wrap the pair of them in a big fuzzy blanket and tell them that everything will be alright. 

WANDS OUT! by @persephonestone​

This murder mystery / Dramione / Theo x Harry / AU crossover is everything I didn’t know I wanted until I read it. I felt like I was picked up and plonked right into an alternative dimension where all the characters of HP are just living it up in an Agatha Christie novel. 

It’s a funny and clever story that I found refreshing to read amongst all the other fanfics that are usually cemented in the HP timeline or universe. Theodore Nott in this fic is perfection he should be written like this in every fic from now on in my opinion. I couldn’t stop giggling any time he had a scene in the story.

And the ‘only one bed’ trope in this fic is 10/10. I don’t want to give spoilers but ohmygod. It hits all the right notes. 

The One With Technical Difficulties by cassielassie 

Cassielassie has an excellent three part series of Dramone called ‘The One with...” but I have to give special credit to this story in particular for one main reason. ELEVATOR TROPES. I can’t get enough of em. I think I have my early childhood viewings of NCIS to thank for my obsession with elevator tropes they just do something to me that simply cannot be explained with mere words. The palpable sexual tension of being in a broken down elevator with an ‘enemies to lovers’ pairing, a heated arguement breaks out followed by a discovery of mutual feelings and a romantic embrace...

Eugh. It gets me everytime. And this fic is no exception. I loved it for all the reasons I’ve already stated above but also for the attention to detail in Draco and Hermione’s careers makes this one particularly immersive. The dynamics between them established in this one-shot are convincingly portrayed and the chemistry between them is so undeniably hot. 

The Light is No Mystery by @masterofinfinities​

Yooo if you want to read a dramione fic that is a deep dive into Pureblood culture and Post-War recovery but is also a perfect allegory for discrimination and today’s political landscape of moral grandstanding for votes then look no further than this one. 

This story has a bit of everything. Intrigue, mystery, ptsd and recovery, enemies to lovers / secret relationship, government conspiracy and humour, to name a few. I eargerly await every update to this story and am anxious to know how it ends!

The Eagle’s Nest by HeartOfAspen 

Finally! A fic that gives me the Ravenclaw representation I crave. I think I could recommend this fic on the lore depicted of Ravenclaw house alone. ‘The Stacks’ and Rowena Ravenclaw’s own ‘come and go room’ are just such cool details that I could see being real in the HP universe. 

This fic is so cosy and makes me feel like I’m just popping back into Hogwarts for another year. You get to see all the usuals like prof. Mcgongall, Nearly headless Nick, PEEVES, Hagrid, as well as learn more about minor characters from the other school houses. The story follows Hermione going to her day to day classes and there are interesting concepts about magic and alchemy that are explored. 

Draco and Hermione’s relationship in this one is of course very fluffy and heartfelt. But it’s the attention to detail that really makes this fic outstanding and the experience of reading it feels fleshed out and true to HP universe.

A shorter fic by HeartofAspen that I recommend is one called Set in Stone, it has an adventurous, Indianna Jones vibe to it, that I am so down for. 

Teachable Moments by @purplesugarquills

In this fic Hermione is an innocent little virgin determined to learn everything about sex. And Draco Malfoy is her tutor. If that isn’t enough to get you on board then I don’t know what is. Both Heartfelt and Steamy. PurpleSugarQuills writes smut so well but it’s the progression of their growing attachment and the nervous treading of new uncharted waters of romantic relationships for both of them that just adds a whole other level of feels to the story. Also chapter 9 is like reading poetry - its so good. Eugh just give it a read if you haven’t already.

Les Pèlerins by @pacific-rimbaud

This story is high art. It’s transcendent. Reading this story feels like the emotional equivalent of standing around a hundred glowing fairy lights, sipping hot cocoa and being wrapped in the loving embrace of a s/o. I can’t speak my praises highly enough or even become passably coherent in my words when I try to articulate a review. 

From the very first paragraph I felt like I was just whisked away on a Parisian holiday and I’ve never even bloody been to Paris but damn it if this story didn’t make me feel like I was there. The writing style is just so tactile and intense it’s like I could feel the cold winter air brush against me as I read it. Eugh I just completely fell in love with the story and the writer. 

New Year’s resolution. Read everything PacificRimbaud has ever posted online.