#work has been making me exhausted lately and things will be much worse when school starts :(

[kira-akira]

What I Want You To Know About Long COVID

Well lads, I've been suffering from Long COVID for over a year now. My life is at a complete standstill. I'm 25 years old and I'm too sick to go back to school, I can't work, I had to move back in with my parents and I'm still stuck here.

Here are just a few things I wish people knew about Long COVID, including things I didn't know myself until I got it.

COVID destroys your immune system. Yes, even if you don't have Long COVID. Are you getting sick more often now? When you get sick, does it last longer? There are many studies showing that COVID causes t cell depletion, even in mild COVID cases! T cells are how your body remembers how to fight off infections you've had before so losing those cells? Bad news.

Your initial infection can be mild and you can still get Long COVID. Right from Yale Medicine, "Most people with Long COVID had mild acute COVID." (This is also a good link for a basic Long COVID overview).

There can be a gap of time between when you "get better" from the initial COVID infection to the onset of Long COVID symptoms. Some people get sick with an initial COVID infection and never get better. Some get better and then weeks or months later start developing Long COVID symptoms. Long COVID symptoms can even fluctuate over time, can go away for months and then suddenly come back.

So many people have Long COVID and don't realize it. Do you feel more tired lately but no matter how much you sleep, nothing helps? Is it harder to concentrate at work or school? Can you just not think like you used to? You could have Long COVID and not even know it. Even mild post-COVID symptoms are still Long COVID.

COVID can do anything to your body. Long COVID has over 200 recognized symptoms and can affect basically any part or system of your body. There is no one mechanism or cause of Long COVID which unfortunately also means there's no one cure either.

The effects of COVID are cumulative. Each COVID reinfection increases your chances of developing Long COVID. COVID is also affecting your body in other ways, yes, even if you're otherwise young and healthy! "Repeat COVID-19 infections increase risk of organ failure, death".

Once you have Long COVID, repeat COVID infections will make your symptoms worse. "80% [of Long COVID patients] saw their symptoms worsen [from reinfection]. In 60% of people who were in recovery or remission from Long COVID, reinfection caused a recurrence of Long COVID."

There is a lot more I want to say about Long COVID but I want to keep this post at least somewhat manageable to read. Like how when COVID is contracted during pregnancy, those COVID-exposed fetuses have a 6.3-fold increased risk of motor developmental delays, or that another study found 50% of babies exposed to COVID in utero had developmental delays.

You need to keep caring about COVID, for others around you and also for yourself even if you're "healthy". Everyone is at risk. And don't forget 40-60% of COVID infections are asymptomatic, which is why masking even if you feel fine is crucial. The only way right now to not get Long COVID is to not get COVID in the first place. It's not too late, if you've stopped masking it's never too late to start again! I know it's easy to get distracted by things in your life that seem more real than the possibility of getting sick some time in the future, and the peer pressure to not mask can be intense. But it only feels less real or less important until your entire life is having Long COVID. Trust me.

I know this is a complicated issue, many people can't afford to stay home when sick even if they want to because of their jobs, there are disgusting policies trying to ban wearing masks, but please if you can. Keep masking. Masking works, masking saves lives.

This post got a bit longer than I wanted so below the cut is a non-exhaustive list of my Long COVID symptoms and some of my experiences as one of the "healthy young people" who got "unlucky". cw brief mention of suicidal ideation.

Welcome to the Thunderdome that is my body with Long COVID. Keep in mind these are just my experiences and symptoms, Long COVID can cause any range of symptoms at varying severities.

Dysautonomia: Exercise intolerance, Post-Exertional Malaise (PEM), fatigue, and heat intolerance. What do those things mean? Here's some specific examples. Absolutely terrible circulation I am so cold all the time but also, if I get a little too warm I will pass out. Eating hot food makes my heart rate spike, I sweat, my body feels heavy. Blood pooling and pins and needles in my feet when I walk. Don't even think about exercising past walking, it's impossible. I used to work out an hour a day 4 times a week and now walking up one flight of stairs makes my heart pound and I can't breathe. Can't take even just warm showers anymore or I will pass out. Heat rashes from being in the sun for 10 minutes.

Digestive issues: Honestly too many to name but: constant bloating, extreme nausea, constipation, slow motility, lack of appetite, just so much cramping and pain. I lost 18 pounds from Long COVID, as someone who was already considered underweight their entire life, and almost had to get a shunt put into my chest to deliver nutrients because I was nearly completely unable to eat. For the first 6 months of Long COVID, if I could manage 600 calories a day, that was a good day.

Histamine intolerance: Oh boy. My worst symptoms, I don't even know where to start with it. If you know Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) it's very similar. I can only eat 19 foods. If i eat a single bite of something not on that list, it's 48 hours of absolute hell. Coughing, migraines, itchy eyes, such extreme nausea I cannot even describe it, panic/feeling of doom, racing heart rate, derealization, rash, uncontrollable muscle tremors. I only learned about histamine intolerance 5 months into having Long COVID so before that, I was experiencing these symptoms nearly every single day. Terrifying isn't even a strong enough word to describe how it felt to experience all this and have no idea what it was, how to stop it, or if it would ever stop. Really dark times.

Neurological issues: More of that derealization. Inability to concentrate. Anxiety. OCD-like symptoms such as thoughts getting "stuck" in my head, repeating 24/7 completely unable to stop them, genuinely felt like my brain had cracked open and I had lost my mind. Constant dizziness like I'm on a boat.

Sleep issues: I sleep like garbage. I have insomnia, I wake up dozens of times every night and every single time I sleep I have intensely vivid dreams. I can't sleep longer than 7 hours total no matter how exhausted I am. It is exhausting. I'm exhausted, I'm so so tired.

And finally. Just. Really intense suicidal ideation. My body, my health, my entire life has been stolen from me because someone else decided my life was worth less to them than wearing a mask or staying home if they feel sick. Before I got Long COVID, I was preparing to go to South Korea to teach English, then on to a PhD in neurolinguistics, I was supposed to meet my long distance partner and had already booked plane tickets when I got sick. All of that has been destroyed.

Most of us with Long COVID are stuck in a cycle of being extremely sick, then if you're lucky you'll slowly get better over months, just to get reinfected and go right back where you started or worse. Honestly, I'm not scared of dying from COVID. I'm scared of living for a long time, suffering from Long COVID the entire time. This isn't living.

I don't know how to end this now. I'm still fighting, I'm trying experimental treatments, I'm not giving up yet. I hope everyone reading this stays healthy and well.

[meangirls-imagines]

Rest and Relaxation

"who's that?"

"that is the queen bee regina george. do not look her in the eye. she can smell fear."

cady rolled her eyes at damian giggling. in the small amount of time that she had known him, he had been very dramatic. janis also rolled her eyes. "she can't smell fear. but he is right, don't look her in the eyes." cady watched as the blonde girl walked up to her table holding cheese fries, sitting next to the girl that damian said "has hair full of secrets".

there was a thud as the trio turned spotting a girl struggling to carry her backpack, books, and lunch. the girl looked over at the trio, noticing janis and damian and shyly waved. they all waved back and watched as she stumbled past them.

"who's that?" damian shook his head. "that's y/n, regina's girlfriend." cady looked at the two shocked. she didn't think regina was gay. "really? she's so...shy." janis nodded as they watched y/n finally make it to the plastics table. regina's face lit up at the sight of her girlfriend. y/n smiled back and sat next to the blonde, unloading everything on the table. regina pulled y/n into a kiss, making the girl blush.

"hi baby. how is your day going?" y/n blushed deeper at the petname. "its going fine gina. i just have a lot of work to do." y/n was a nerd in the best sense. she had the highest gpa of the whole school, she was a mathlete, and she was in all advanced classes. she also had a really bad habit of overworking herself. regina hated watching her girlfriend burn out so she did her best to step in before it got bad.

"how about you come to my house with us after school? we can do a spa day for you. get you to relax a little. i know how stressed you've been." y/n's heart melted at her girlfriend's worry. as much as she wanted to do that, she had a mathletes meeting after school followed by sat prep until late at night.

y/n shook her head. "i wish i could gina, but i have mathletes until 4 and then sat prep until 8 and then i still have to finish my essay." regina sighed, scooting closer and scratching y/n's back to get her to relax a little. their moment was ruined when y/n's brother shane walked up to them. "ladies, nice to see you guys today. y/n, chris was wondering if you could possibly look over his history paper and see if its good enough for at least a b minus."

regina was about to speak up when y/n beat her to it. "yeah, just give it to me before i go to mathletes and tell him i'll have it back to him by tomorrow morning." shane smiled and ruffled his sister's hair, placing a brief kiss on her head. "thanks sis. i'll let him know." y/n smiled as her brother walked away. regina looked at her girlfriend worriedly. y/n shook her head. "it's fine gina. i'll be okay."

the bell rang, dismissing lunch as y/n stuffed all of her things in her backpack, kissing regina and heading off to her next class. gretchen watched regina deflate as y/n walked away. she put a hand on her shoulder and smiled at her. "she'll be fine regina." the blonde sighed. "i hope you're right."

y/n sighed as she opened her locker the next morning. she didn't get home until late last night and woke up earlier than usual to go with shane to football practice to give chris his essay and finish up any homework she missed the night before. she was exhausted and just wanted to go home. unfortunately for her, the world doesn't work like that and it was only going to get much worse.

for backstory, regina and y/n had been friends since 4th grade. regina had been very protective over the girl since they first met all those years ago. they met when regina stepped in and stopped a few boys from shoving y/n around. and since then, nothing had changed. regina was just as if not more protective over the girl. they had come out at the end of 8th grade which just boosted the protectiveness. ever since they came out as a couple, less people picked on y/n, though there were some who just didn't get the message.

enter ian. who had harbored a major crush on regina even after she came out. he was the stereotypical high school male. he was the captain of the basketball team, he was ripped, he was hot and every girl in north shore (except the plastics and y/n) wanted him. he felt like he was a better match for regina than y/n was and never failed to make his opinion shown every once in a while.

regina and the plastics hadn't made it to school yet and shane was in the locker room so this was his perfect opportunity. he and a couple of his friends walked up to y/n, who was reading over her ap chem homework and not paying attention. "hey there nerd. i see your guard dog isn't here." y/n rolled her eyes. "no ian, regina isn't here yet. can i help you with something?"

that was apparently the wrong thing to say as ian slapped the papers out of her hand and shoved her against a the locker next to her. at this point, people had started recording on their phones. y/n winced at the impact as the group of boys started laughing. "you don't get to have an attitude with me nerd. i think you forget where you fall on this food chain. allow me to remind you."

he brought his fist back to swing at y/n but the punch never came. the only thing y/n saw of her savior was pink nails before she was let go and ian was flying the other way. y/n looked up to see an angry regina flanked by an equally angry karen and gretchen. the two obviously weren't as close to y/n as regina was but they also had a protectiveness over her.

ian looked up scared as his friends fled the scene. karen and gretchen helped y/n pick her stuff up and dusted her off. ian shrunk in fear as regina towered over him. "i don't think you understand where you fall on this food chain, but allow me to remind YOU. you do not compare to y/n. she is so far above you that you don't even exist in her world. that being said, if i ever see you mess with her again, you will be finished."

he nodded and scrambled away. regina looked at the crowd that had formed. "anyone else have a problem with my girlfriend?" the crowd scattered as everyone went back to what they were doing. regina smirked victoriously before pulling y/n into an empty classroom, karen and gretchen standing guard outside.

regina looked over y/n for any injuries before y/n's grabbed her shaky hands and kissed both of them softly. "i'm okay, gina. just a little shaken up." regina let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding before pulling y/n into her arms. "i'm so sorry i wasn't there. i couldn't find my keys before we left so it put us behind-" y/n pressed her lips to regina's. the blonde instantly calmed as the two kissed, y/n being the first to pull away. "breathe babe. i'm okay. he's not going to mess with me again."

regina nodded and pulled y/n into another kiss, this one quicker than the last. "will you please come over after school today? i wanna take care of you. it's the weekend so you can stay the whole weekend while i help you relax. please." y/n nodded. "if it will make you feel better, yes." regina smiled and pecked y/n's lips. "good. i wasn't taking no for an answer. now, let me walk you to class?" y/n nodded and the two made their way out of the room.

regina stood against her jeep, waiting for y/n. karen and gretchen had hitched rides from shane so that way regina could take her girl straight home.the front doors to the school opened to reveal an exhausted looking y/n. regina's heart broke at the sight of the girl, she looked more exhausted than she did when the blonde saw her at lunch.

y/n shuffled to the jeep, regina grabbing her backpacks and throwing them in the backseat (carefully of course) before helping y/n into the passenger seat. regina walked around and got in, holding y/n's hand and kissing it. the girl sent her a sleepy smile and leaned her head against the window.

regina made it to her house in record time. she left the girl's bags in her car, making a mental note to ask her dad to grab them later. she helped y/n in the house and to her room, gently laying her on her huge bed. "stay right here baby. i'm gonna go run us a bath." y/n sleepily nodded, nuzzling into regina's pillow.

five minutes later, regina came out in a fluffy, pink robe, gently shaking y/n awake. "come on baby. let's get you in the bath." y/n stirred and nodded. the blonde helped her to her feet, gently pulling her into the bathroom. from there, she slowly took y/n's clothes off, head to toe. regina then got into the tub and guided y/n in, holding her to her chest.

the couple stayed in the bath for about half an hour before regina decided to get them out. luckily, y/n had been over to the blonde's house enough that she had her own little section in regina's massive closet. regina grabbed a hoodie and a pink pair of boxers for y/n and a hoodie for herself before getting them both dressed and into the bed.

y/n sunk into the soft mattress as regina gently maneuvered her to lay her head on her chest. y/n kissed regina's jaw and nuzzled into her neck. regina began scratching her nails down y/n's back. "take a nap and then when you wake up, i'll make you some dinner, and then maybe followed by dessert and a massage?"

y/n nodded before fully drifting off.

a few hours later, y/n woke up to the smell of her favorite pasta. she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and stretched, getting out of bed and heading downstairs. she found regina cooking dinner with her "y/n❤️" playlist playing softly from her speaker. y/n smiled at how soft the queen bee looked before walking up and wrapping her arms around the blonde's waist.

regina smiled at the feel of her girlfriend snuggling into her back, turning the burner off and turning around. "hi baby. sleep good?" y/n nodded, pressing her lips to regina's. "what's for dinner?" regina smiled and pecked y/n's lips before explaining. "i made your favorite, cacio e pepe, some salad and garlic bread, and for dessert i made a lemon tiramisu. and after we are done eating, i am giving you a massage to get the stress of the week and especially today out of that sexy body of yours and we are going to cuddle up on my bed and watch some love is blind and you are going to sleep for more than five hours."

y/n smiled at her girlfriend, already feeling the stress of the week melt away. regina always took care of her when she needed it and she couldn't be more grateful to have her as her girlfriend. "god, i love you." regina blushed and kissed y/n's cheek. "i love you too. now, let's eat."

after they ate dinner and dessert, regina ordered y/n to take off her shirt and lay face down on the bed while she slipped in the bathroom. y/n did as told and winced a little before tossing the shirt off to the side and laying down. regina came out and lit a few candles before dropping the oil and bruise cream on the bed. she straddled y/n's lower back and gently ran her hands down the girl's back.

she leaned down and kissed y/n's shoulder gently. y/n sighed at the feel of the blonde's lips and whispered, "i love you gina." regina smiled, grabbing the bruise cream and started applying it to the newly forming bruises on y/n's back. "i love you too baby."

after a very, very, relaxing massage, y/n laid in between regina's legs as they watched "love is blind". regina had her fingers running through y/n's hair, scratching her scalp with her acrylics. y/n was drawing shapes on regina's stomach, the blonde girl shivering every once in a while. after a few episodes, regina asked y/n if she wanted anything to drink before realizing y/n was asleep. smiling, she carefully reached over to the nightstand to grab her phone, taking a picture of y/n.

she took to instagram to post the picture, smiling at the amount of cute comments their friends were leaving. she put her phone back and gently guided her and y/n into a more comfortable position. once comfy, she placed a gentle kiss on y/n's forehead, slowly drifting off.

[adrealucia]

hi guys I am so sorry for not posting much lately, but I just have to let you know that I am mentally and physically struggling a lot in the last few weeks. I came here to tell at least someone about what is going on in my life. mentally I am already not the most stable person, but I am going to therapy and even though I feel fine some days, most days I don't. a few months ago I had to take a huge break from Tumblr, because of my mental health and when it got worse I came back here again... yea confusing idek. Anyway, I am 20 years old and I live in Germany, where it is pretty standard to be working at this age and let's say be fully standing on your own two feet. I don't. I haven't been going to school or work in almost 3 years I think, because of a major accident I had back in 2021. Before this accident happened (which I still haven't fully recovered from, but mostly mentally I think) I used to work, even though I was partying and living my life. nowadays i don't go out a lot and if i do its very exhausting for me. my anxiety has never been higher and even thinking about finding a job makes me cry. I applied for a school, because i would much rather go to school and educate myself a little more than to be working. i got declined a few days ago, which now means i need to find myself some work. I don't know why it is so hard for me to make the first step, i don't know why i cannot just go and get a job. my mental health and my panic attacks just make it really hard for me. so even though i love writing and reading stories I just came here to tell you guys that i am very sorry for not posting much (even though i know you will probably be fine without my writing haha) but still, i see how many of you guys enjoy my writing and i am just so sad that i cannot bring myself to post as often as i used to. my dream is it that one day in the future i can become a writer or someone who openly (let it be on youtube or tiktok idk) talks about their love for books. I am trying to chase my dreams even though most of them are not very realistic and i know how much mental health can hold you back. I am mad, not at myself, but at the things and people that made me so anxious. i am working on myself and I am trying my very best to become the person who will achieve all of their dreams. so I just came on here to tell you that I see all of your requests and comments, but I might not have the strength to answer all of them if any of them at the moment. i hope you understand :) <3 still, I love every single one of you who supports my little stories!

[rachelsfav-queer]

How would mommy Enid and daddy Yoko handle Wednesday getting overstimulated and having a complete meltdown? Poor thing is totally inconsolable :'(

Whew. Okay, this one is obviously very important to me, as I’ve said in a previous post. But, I didn’t really explain why so, let me do that now. Btw, this whole thing is gonna be a long one, so either strap in or hop out.

So, first off, I’m reading this ask as if Wednesday is autistic, along with the typical headcanon of her being a little that’s been present lately for VampRavenWolf. So, I’ll be basing it on my experience with autistic meltdowns, which for the most part has been extremely traumatic. I won’t get into any specific details about my experience for privacy reasons and I also don’t want to trigger myself by forcing myself to remember it all.

As for my story, there was a point in my life where I was in an extremely toxic environment that almost constantly produced meltdowns for me. Now, meltdowns are already a very traumatic experience for autistic people, but it was made 10x worse for me by the fact that I was surrounded by people who were only aiming to make it worse for me, hoping that I would eventually self-destruct, in whatever way that meant. They genuinely didn’t care how it happened, just as long as they could get rid of me. That is my story, it’s a very shortened and simplified version of it, with a whole lot of missing context, but it’s my story nonetheless.

I want to say that I still appreciate this ask. Because it gives me an opportunity to share my experience in hopes that by doing so, I can help at least someone. Let them know that they’re not alone like I thought I was for most of my life. That is how I heal the trauma that was dealt to me.

So, with that out of the way, let’s get to the actual ask!

TRIGGER WARNING: Descriptions of sensory overload and meltdown as experienced by an autistic character, light descriptions of self-harm in the form of harmful stimming, and descriptions of panic attacks. All below the cut.

So, for this scenario, I’m gonna set it in VampRavenWolf’s home. It’s already gonna be hard for our poor little raven, I don’t want to subject her to dealing with it in public. Secondly, we’re gonna say that something happens with one of the smoke detectors, some sort of malfunction that causes it to go off for no reason. This will be what causes everything to go down. Alright, this is everyone’s last chance, if anything in the warning above is triggering to you, PLEASE leave now and do not read. Remember, you are not forced to read this if any of the trigger warnings make you uncomfortable. Please, take care of yourselves.

Alright, we all good? Great.

The day already wasn’t going great. Wednesday had just gotten home from school half an hour ago, and her classmates all day had apparently made it their mission to annoy her. Not even Bianca was able to ward off everyone all day, considering she only shared half of her classes with the raven. And of course, both her girlfriends were either out dealing with work or handling family issues, of which they’d only gotten home from a few minutes before Wednesday did, only to have to retreat to their respective offices to finish even more work.

Spending so much time away from her Mommy and Daddy was always the most exhausting thing in the world for Wednesday and although she understood that they couldn’t just spend every second of every day right by her side, the fact still upset her greatly.

At the moment, Wednesday is sitting in the living room, watching TV with Raven on her lap, though she’s not paying very close attention (Raven isn’t either). The absence of her Mommy and Daddy weighs heavy on her mind, only made worse by the day she’s had. Wednesday’s just about to get up to find her Mommy in hopes that she’ll give her the attention that she so desperately needs when suddenly, the smoke alarm in the kitchen goes off. The loud, piercing noise sends Wednesday falling off the couch as her hands fly up to cover her ears. It takes a few seconds for her mind to catch up with her body, but when it does, Wednesday begins crying violently, coughing wildly and her breathing quickly becomes unsteady, short and with no rhythm.

Meanwhile, Enid and Yoko are alerted immediately by the noise and rush out to check everything out. Seeing no signs of a fire, they determine the alarm is just malfunctioning and pull it off the wall, taking out the batteries and silencing the screaming noise. Once the alarm is off, though, the quiet exposes the sound of their baby sobbing in the living room and once again the women are rushing to the sound. Their hearts break at the sight of Wednesday curled up on the floor with her hands clutching her head tightly. Enid walks forward first, lowering herself as slowly as possible, and speaks gently, “Hey, little raven. It’s Mommy. Can I come closer?”

The muffled sound of her Mommy’s voice catches the raven’s attention and she gravitates towards it, opening her eyes slightly and choking out, “L- loud, Mommy! Too loud!” Still overwhelmed by the stimulation, Wednesday’s brain is in desperate need of regulation and so instinctually her fists begin slamming into the sides of her head over and over and over and over and-

Thinking quickly, Enid gently pulls the seer's arms by her wrists and wraps them around her torso, allowing the girl to pound her fists into the wolf’s back, “Okay, okay baby. That’s it, let it out on Mommy. She can take it, you’re okay.” Enid continues to mutter reassurances over and over again while Yoko leaves for a moment to grab Wednesday’s noise-canceling headphones, returning the moment she finds them and carefully sets them on the raven’s ears.

Meanwhile, Wednesday’s sobbing only gets worse, her breathing getting shallower and her body getting weaker. Yoko and Enid are starting to get seriously worried, they look at each other with fear in their eyes and Yoko asks weakly, “What do we do?”

Enid looks back down at the girl in her arms, desperately trying to think of anything to bring their girlfriend out of this meltdown safely. Suddenly, she gets an idea. “We need to help her regulate herself. Here,” Enid breathes, offering the girl to Yoko, “Hold her, she prefers cold. I’ll go turn down the A/C and grab her weighted blanket. I’ll be right back.” While Enid does that, Yoko gets an idea of her own. She first shuffles back to lean against the couch, then, staying careful not to jostle the raven, Yoko does her best to unbutton as much of her shirt as she can and lays Wednesday’s head onto her exposed chest. Almost immediately, Wednesday’s breathing begins to slow, as do her tears. Yoko continues to whisper gentle words of praise and reassurance until Enid gets back. The werewolf covers the two with the black blanket and gets yet another idea. Stepping away from her girlfriends, Enid transforms into her wolf form and then lays her head gently against the seer’s back.

And with the combined weight of the blanket and the werewolf plus the chill of the vampire and the A/C blowing down on them all, Wednesday slowly starts coming back to herself. Eventually, her breathing is even again, and a few sniffles here and there are the only signs that she’d been crying. Petting her hair, Yoko speaks, “Hey there, baby bird. You back with us?”

Wednesday nods slowly, “Yes Daddy. Feel better.”

At the sound of her baby’s voice, Enid lifts her head and gently nudges Wednesday’s cheek with her snout, chuffing softly which makes the goth smile tiredly. Which in turn pleases her Mommy and Daddy, knowing their girl really was back with them.

“Get some sleep, baby bird. We’ll be right here for you. We have you always.”

End <3

[coffeeheartaddict2]

When life has other plans (15/16)

DéJà Vu

Book: Open Heart (AU)

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC Casey Valentine

Rating: Teen

Category: Fluffy angst

Warnings: language, allusions to sexual activity, mentions of abandonment.

Word count: 1926

Summary: Despite all appearing well on the surface, recent and past events still haunt Ethan. A no holds barred discussion with an old friend gives Ethan some perspective and is able to be more open with his feelings with Casey.

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Pixelberry.

Authors note: nearly there everyone- thank you to everyone who has read this far. Hopefully the next AU will be less angsty.

🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

Work was going well. Tobias slotted in on the team well. He was duly impressed with the skill of Casey. He was relieved that she appeared to be recovering from the effects of the attack. Most of the antidote research was going to be done out of Edenbrook and he was on that project. Moving to Edenbrook meant giving up the Stephanie Hill research but they were in very capable hands.

Things with him and Ethan were going great also. Both men had always missed their friendship but now that they were friends again, how much they had missed had become apparent.

After having their discussion with HR and Naveen, Ethan and Casey on the surface appeared to the outside world to be in a good place also. However there was still a deep wound that was starting to fester. Despite all the therapy, discussion about the abortion, even having an in depth discussion about what contraception they would use going forward and assurances from Casey that she would include Ethan in any decision making going forward, he was still haunted by the recurring dream that Casey was going to abandon him. He thought that after his mother said her final goodbye and that everything was calm the nightmare would go away but they did not. They even haunted him on days that she stayed with him. It was always worse when she was not there of course, her physical presence was the only thing that calmed him and got him back to sleep. Casey would occasionally feel him wake but he would assure her he was fine and then cuddle her, saying I love you, so much before he drifts off back to sleep. Casey knew the key points of Ethan’s chat with Louise but she always let him discuss the events and how he was truly feeling on his terms.

It had being a couple months since Louise’s departure and he was still haunted by the recurring nightmare. It had gotten to a point where Casey was very concerned about Ethan. Casey had a run of late shifts so she generally stayed at hers but when she saw Ethan, he was looking exhausted. She had seen him run on exhaustion before and that was while he was treating Naveen. This time though she could not help but feel there was something else he was hiding however whenever he was questioned as to what was the matter, he kept brushing Casey off. It was a quiet day and Casey was updating a patient chart and Ethan came up beside her. He was the worst she had seen him.

“Something is clearly up Ethan.”

“I am fine, just did not sleep well.”

“Why aren’t you sleeping well? Talk to me Ethan” said Casey, quietly but pleadingly.

“There is nothing wrong Casey. End of discussion.” He says adamantly before walking off.

Casey stood there shook. She knew Ethan was lying and she was concerned that he was not telling her for a reason. Just then Tobias saw a frustrated looking Casey.

“Valentine, what’s up?”

“Nothing to concern you Tobias.” She said before walking off. Tobias was not convinced. He had seen the beginnings of a wall go up and he had noticed the lack of sleep that he had been getting but now it was clear that whatever wall he had started was now impacting his relationship with Casey. He had never seen his friend happier than

what he had been and it saddened him. He knew he had to confront him, much like he did multiple times in medical school, he knew it would be a gamble, but it was one he had to take.

Casey was again working a late shift. Ethan was at home alone, wallowing in the prison of doubt he had created. All of a sudden there was a knock on his door. It shook Ethan out of his stupor. He got up to answer and he was surprised to see Tobias on the other side. He lets him in and offers him a scotch. Tobias accepts.

“What is up Ethan and don’t you dare start your bullshit spiel of how nothing is wrong.”

Ethan was affronted.

“Is it that obvious?” Asked Ethan

“In a word, Yes.” Stated Tobias.

“I am fine…”

“No you are not” interjected Tobias. He took a breath.

“The last time I saw you in this much denial about your feelings was medical school.”

Anger flashed in Ethan’s eyes briefly.

“We are not in medical school I know but why is this feeling so similar Tobias.”

“Because you are being the same emotionally constipated idiot.”

“So shall I expect you to be making a play for Casey huh?”

Tobias slapped him.

“I saw for months you building a war around yourself when things started to get really serious with you and Estelle. I saw and heard the anguish it caused both of you. Try as I might back then, you did not listen or if you did you lived in denial. That conversation that night was the last straw for her. She went to someone who knew what was going on and that was me. And here I am, some many years later and you are repeating the same fucking bullshit Ethan.”

“I am not…”

“Let’s recap shall we? Your girlfriend survives a bio weapon attack, things are great, you are the happiest I have seen you, then all of a sudden your world is turned upside down. Ever since then to me it looks like you have started to build a wall to protect yourself, you are in denial about how you are going and now you are pushing a woman who cares for you very much away. How am I doing?”

Ethan slams his glass down in frustration and starts to cry and then it all spills out.

Ethan told her about how when he was in the Amazon when Casey had found out she was pregnant and how she decided not to tell him, how he found out about it, the conversation he had the next morning and how she said to him that he was only helping her out of obligation. The dream he had after he first saw Louise, how things were going great and how he kept having a recurring dream of Casey abandoning him, even though they had discussed everything going forward. Tobias was stunned.

“Why have you not told Casey about these dreams? Clearly it is eating away at you and creating a problem where there should not be one?”

Ethan thinks for a minute. “I truly do not know. I am scared. Scared that she will think less of me for thinking she will abandon me, he’ll even have another abortion again without telling me…”

“Firstly, I get her not telling you, I mean I would not want to hear that over voicemail but seriously Ethan, why are you self sabotaging yourself again?”

“I am not..”

“Yes, yes you are.” Stated Tobias. “If you were not self sabotaging then Casey would know about these dreams instead of you lying to her and clearly yourself and to answer your other question, No I will not make a play for Casey.”

Ethan did not know what to think. Tobias was right of course, like he was back in medical school but it was still confronting.

“I really am an idiot aren’t I?”

“Well, yes but unlike medical school you have closure on Louise. In a way she has abandoned you again but at least she said goodbye this time, not just upping and leaving with no explanation.”

Ethan took a drink. “And you don’t think Casey will think less of me?”

“She is worried about you buddy, there is no denying that and she wants to be there for you.”

Ethan nods his head in resignation.

“Thank you Tobias.”

“I admit it was a gamble, given our history with chats like this but I am glad I took it.”

Ethan nodded. Both men enjoyed another drink before Tobias left.

Ethan knew what he had to do but it was still harrowing, admitting to the woman he loves that he was having dreams of being abandoned by her but he had to do it. He looked at her schedule. She had a day off after a run of lates. He decided that he would ask her here and take the day off so they could talk. He messaged Naveen that he would be away on that day and messaged Casey asking if she would stay with him the night before to which she agreed.

A few nights later, Ethan was in the office, nervous. He decided to stay back and bring Casey to his house. Also if he stayed at work it meant that he would not drink. Her shift came to an end and they made their way to his apartment. They made their way up and Ethan warmed up some leftovers for dinner.

They sat down and ate. Ethan could see that Casey was exhausted but he decided to come out with everything.

“You are right, I am not ok. Since Louise unceremoniously came and left again I have had a recurring dream. Of being abandoned…abandoned by you. The scenario in each abandonment is different. You go on sabbatical and do not come back, similar to circumstances to Louise leaving me, sometimes taking a child, sometimes not, you have another abortion and not tell me again…”

He starts to cry. “I know we have discussed the abortion, made plans going forward, spent plenty of time in therapy and I still can not shake the dreams.”

Casey stands up and hugs him while he lets his emotions out. It was confronting to hear that Ethan was still having these dreams and thoughts. She knew that seeing Louise had given him closure but still her declining any assistance would be upsetting. In that moment though all she did was thank him for telling her. They head to his room and make love to each other before drifting off to sleep. For the first time in several months Ethan did not have the nightmare. He awoke the next morning, rested, relieved. He cuddles into Casey and she starts to stir. She can feel how hard he is for and he and they have another sweet and slow session. Hunger eventually forces them from bed and Casey makes some pancakes for breakfast.

“I do not know what I can say that will be condescending. I know you are more of an action person, not a word person given your history but you know I will endeavour to show with my actions, not only how much I love you and mean to me but that I am not Louise and not abandon you.”

“I love you so much, I do not know what I did to deserve you.” Says Ethan.

They have a quiet day in. Fully enjoying each other and Ethan hoping that the worse of the nightmares were gone.

A week goes by and Ethan has no more nightmares and it dawns on him that even though he had been abandoned, hurt, he could rebuild and let those people back in. This realization also helped him work on his relationship with Alan. The most relieved people aside from Casey obviously was Naveen and Tobias. Ethan was also happy too and as they entered what would be Casey’s final year of residency, he was confident that he would not again butcher a future chat.

————-

Authors note 2: so one more chapter of a happy ending. It will take in key points along the final year including g the end of the residency period. Thank you for enduring thus far.

Tagging: @jerzwriter @jamespotterthefirst @genevievemd @cariantha @liaromancewriter @potionsprefect @tessa-liam @youlookappropriate @bex-la-get @a-crepusculo @crazy-loca-blog @zealouscanonindeer @alj4890 @binny1985 @schnitzelbutterfingers @trappedinfanfiction @lucy-268 @choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

[moccahobi]

Tangled Mess: The Park

Summary: You texted Hoseok asking to meet up at the park you met at. Hoseok is nervous.

Paring: Hoseok x GN Reader, Yoongi x Jungkook

Genre: Soulmate AU, Grad School AU, Young Professional AU, Angst, Fluff

Warnings: A Breakup

Word Count: 787 words

A/N: One more wrap up! I hope you all enjoyed this series as much asI have~

Tag List: @@daisies-and-dandelionpuffs

Part 13 << Masterlist >> Next Part

Hoseok looked around the park, taking in the familiar green spaces, the people resting in the sunlight, and the dogs running around. Once again, he’s at the closest park to his apartment. Normally he only spends time here when his work was extremely stressful. Long days stuck in the library made Hoseok yearn for a bit of fresh air and green. Somehow being here for a reason other than that filled him with a sense of wrongness and anxiety. For too long this place has been associated with releasing stress and exhaustion, but less stress during the semester was different than less stress during a break. 

You were late. Hoseok didn’t know why you’d texted him asking to meet here already but now you were late and that was making him more confused. You weren’t often late to things. In fact, unless something was actively delaying you, you often were waiting for Hoseok by the time he arrived. 

“Excuse me!” A child ran up to him, their eyes shy and apprehensive, and they barely looked at Hoseok. They looked anxious  and that made him feel worse, “Do you think you could take a photo of me and my dog? My mom is off somewhere and I need this photo now.”

They held out a battered phone.

Hoseok nodded slowly, taking the phone and watching the child run off to a dog by the water fountain. After taking these photos, he would ask the kid if they needed help finding their mom. The kid seemed too anxious to be here without their mom. 

After taking a few photos though, the kid ran up and grabbed the phone and ran away. Hoseok turned around calling out to the kid to make sure they were ok but quickly the words were silenced.

You were standing with a big bouquet of flowers and giving the kid a wad of money. 

“What’s happening here?” Hoseok asked as he got closer, confusion growing as the kid giggled and ran away. 

“My cousin wanted to help.” You said with a shrug, a small smile stuck on your face as you took Hoseok in. 

“Help with what?” 

You took in a deep breath, “Well… I… Gosh this is hard and I practiced it.” 

Hoseok came closer, rubbing your shoulder to try to comfort you, “You got this. There’s no rush.” 

Except Hoseok was wishing you’d spit it out. This was very nerve wracking. His fool heart was screaming at the flowers but his mind thought had no idea what this would possibly be (because it couldn’t be a confession). Why had you paid a kid to get Hoseok to take photos? Why did you have flowers? Why were you so nervous? 

“All the time I’ve known you, you’ve been so thoughtful and kind. I really… like that about you. You’re considerate of everyone and work hard to make space for them. You shine so much. And your so passionate about everything, it’s breathtaking. All this to say, I like you romantically. I know you have a crush on someone and I don’t mean to confess so that you don’t confess to them, but it was on my mind so much and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had to tell you because otherwise I’d be full of so much regret. And these flowers are for you, you don’t have to accept them but I just felt like someone as amazing as you deserved something with a confession but Jungkook told me not to do a marching band or a banner or something too over the top.”

“You… like… me?” Hoseok asked slowly, his mind barely computing. 

You nodded, holding out the bouquet for him. 

Slowly he took it and smelled it. He’d never been given a bouquet from a romantic partner or potential romantic partner before. 

“You don’t have to respond or accept! I honestly don’t expect you to. I just had to share. I hope that you’re able to date your crush and that it’s a long lasting relationship. We might need to talk about boundaries and stuff but I don’t mind that. I want what’s best for you.” 

Hoseok looked down at their pinkies. Their hands were so close together that the string was smaller than a pen. Moving his hand closer, the string to smaller. Grabbing your hand, he watched as the string almost disappeared. 

“When Jieun said I had a crush, they were referring to you.” 

A large smile grew on your face, “Me?” 

He nodded, readjusting the bouquet and pulling you into a hug. It was awkward because he also refused to let go of your hand but it was magical to Hoseok. 

“You.”

[eyesaremosaics]

Confronting the shadow self is daunting. I feel so overwhelmed by all the things that are wrong with me… on one hand I have grown exponentially—and changed for the better! However, in other areas I have gotten worse. Mainly my deep seated anger (that surfaces at inappropriate times), and also my inability to regulate my stress responses.

What ends up happening is that I bite off more than I can chew and become overwhelmed. As a people pleaser, I have a tendency to take on more than I can handle, and it takes a toll on my nervous system.

Trying to sit with these feelings. When I am sick for example (which doesn’t happen very often), I get REALLY sick… and then I snap at people, become very short with them and have a bite to my words. This is because I am in a lot of physical pain, but I should just call in sick and prioritize my self care instead of subjecting others to my bad moods. I always say “YES I can do that”, “sure, no problem!” When really I should put my foot down and say: “I’m not feeling well, I need to stay home and rest today”.

By forcing myself to work, I am not only making myself miserable, but also making everyone around me miserable.

Sometimes I come home from working with children… and just cry because I know I failed them that day. I FAILED as a caregiver. This happened a few weeks ago. I was getting stressed out because it was getting late, and the little guy needed to get up early for his first day of school the next day. I was getting snippy with him, and he told me: “Megan, when you get mad at me, it makes me want to cry.” I felt like the most horrible person in the world. I broke down and started crying. Telling him that he was right, and how sorry I was. I explained to him that I was just exhausted from working too much, and that it wasn’t his fault, and he absolutely did not deserve it.

I cried because I don’t do it on purpose, but at times I feel powerless to stop it.

My mother always used to yell and my siblings and I… because she was so overwhelmed with her life… it did a lot of damage to all of us. Don’t get me wrong—I love my mother deeply. She made my childhood magical in many ways, and I have a lot of respect for her. She had a hard time of it when we were growing up (as sole bread winner or single parent a lot of the time) and she did the best she could with what she had. I suppose that’s true of all parents.

Some days you feel good, you know you made a positive impact on a child’s life, and some days you know you (unconsciously) did damage. We are only human after all. My mom feels terrible about how she yelled at us. It must be genetic, because my grandmother admitted to doing it too when she was younger.

It has made me reevaluate whether or not I want to be a mother one day. I am good with kids actually, they love me almost immediately and I get along great with them because it’s so easy for me to become a child again and play with them on their level.

Growing up poor does something to your psyche. You end up with this “scarcity” mindset that I just hate. I realized that I eat so quickly (which is horrible for your metabolism btw) because I was 1 of 4 children—if you didn’t eat quick during dinner, you didn’t eat. Always feeling like there is not “enough” to go around, always starving for more love or attention (because you had to compete all the time to get it).

Seeing all these things so clearly now. The antecedent moment is known to me, but the way forward is not. I have been “catching myself” in the act of bad habits and trying to reshape my behavior. I’m grateful to my mom for teaching this to me too. She was always the first to apologize to us when she was wrong. She was humble and took accountability, which showed us that grown ups make mistakes too.

I remember confiding in my grandmother about how much “mommy yells”. My grandma told my mom what I’d said, and my mom really took it to heart. She would take deep breaths and count to ten before unloading on us. I remember actively watching her try to change, and she did eventually.

I hope that I can manage to do the same, and that the damage I have done to people I love is not too great to be healed.

Trauma is not an excuse. You don’t get an excuse to treat people poorly. Though I know… I have a good heart. I would never hurt ANYONE on purpose. I know myself at my core, and the core of my heart is very loving and compassionate. So now is the time for me yo be more compassionate with myself. By understanding where these wounds come from, I can catch myself and pivot my response. I can also apologize and say: “I’m sorry, I am working on managing my stress better, please let me try that again.”

A month ago, my boyfriend, my cousin, her girlfriend and I all went up to Mendocino. Yury (my boyfriend) manages 62 acres up there for the scouts organization he volunteers for. Usually we camp or stay in the cabins, ride around on the ATV’s, toast marshmallows, swim in the creek etc. It was a fun weekend, until the accident.

My little cousin, is my cousin through marriage. When I was a freshmen in high school, she was just a baby at 2. We went together like peas and carrots. I saw so much of myself as a little girl in her, and I felt very protective of her. Her parents were both tweakers, so they were mostly absent. My grandma, my grandpa and I all had a hand in raising her. She grew up to be a good kid, but I was concerned to hear from her girlfriend that she was very reckless at times and made dangerous impulsive decisions.

Basically, what happened was a long chain of events that I won’t detail here (because it will take too long to flesh out), was that after warning her all day that the ATV was not a toy, that she needed to go slower on it, she didn’t heed my warning and flipped the ATV over with my boyfriend riding in the passenger seat.

My cousin’s girlfriend and I were in the cabin listening to music. She asked me if I heard anything, but I said it was probably just the music. Then we heard it again, we opened the door and went outside. We saw my cousin running up the path screaming “help! The atv flipped over! Yury is trapped underneath it!”

My boyfriend was pinned under the ATV. Adrenaline kicked in and I thought for sure he was dead. I didn’t want to believe it. I was terrified. The next thing I remember was hearing him screaming in pain. My brain relaxed slightly, to hear he was still alive. Now time to asses the damage. I tried to lift the ATV on my own, but no way, it was too heavy. The girls all started pushing from different sides in their panic, which was grinding the roll cage further into his leg.

He screamed in agony. I told the girls: “on three we need to lift at the same time girls ok? One, two, three!” We somehow managed to lift it. First just to release his leg. I looked over Yury to make sure no vital organs or anything were crushed in the crash. Thankfully it was just his ankle and his foot.

Somehow we managed to push the ATV back on to its wheels, so it wasn’t leaking fuel on the ground. At this point the full blown shock and panic set in. I ran to the first aid to try to find bandages, but I was panicking so much that I was looking but not able to read words. I was kicking the boxes screaming “I’m looking but not seeing”. My cousin came in and said; “why don’t you let me do that?” At which point I rounded on her and started screaming “why did you do that?! Why did you fucking do that?!”

I was so furious. I went up in flames. I must have looked possessed. Her girlfriend told me that my screaming wasn’t helping and to pull the car around so we could load yury in.

The situation was critical. It was the middle of the night. We were in the middle of nowhere, no cell reception, and the closest hospital was a hour away. Not to mention we’d all been drinking. I told them: “I can’t drive, I’ve definitely had too much to drink.” I certainly wasn’t going to let my cousin drive after the accident she just caused, thankfully her girlfriend had stopped drinking hours before and offered to do it.

We had to drive into town 20 minutes to get cell reception so we could find an ER. Willits said it was closed. So we had to go all the way to Fort Bragg on these foggy, windy roads with deer jumping out in front of the car—which wasn’t even my car by the way, it was my bosses car. All while Yury is screaming in pain in the back seat.

We almost blew up the car by accidentally… by turning the ignition on while it was pumping gas. Thank god we turned It off in time. More stress.

It felt like an eternity until we got to the hospital. I kept screaming over and over how stupid this was, blaming my cousin and asking why she ignored my warnings all day and thought she could Tokyo drift the ATV like that. To be fair, my anger was justified, she almost killed my boyfriend. However, my yelling and screaming like a lunatic was not. On the drive I managed to calm down, and just focused on helping her girlfriend use the controls on the BMW.

I knew that I needed to just shut up and stop yelling, because I was doing damage. It was better for me to not talk to my cousin because I wanted to kill her at that time. It would be different if I hadn’t been warning and lecturing her all day not to drive crazy on it. Then it would have been on us. However, her eye rolling and dirty looks whenever I said anything about it, and the blatant disregard soon as she was out of range where I could see her—led to the situation we were in.

Granted we had all been drinking, so no one should have been driving, I didn’t say she could, I thought Yury was going to do it. He mostly smokes weed, and is a very safe driver. He’s the only person I trust to drive my car. He blames himself for letting her drive, and truthfully he shouldn’t have let her. However, she is one of those people who doesn’t look drunk when they are. She doesn’t slur her words, or stagger, she looks and talks normal.

She begged Yury to let her drive it, and he relented because “she looked so excited like a little kid” and he wanted her to have fun. He also thought she would go slow in the dark. We were all about to turn in for the evening when this all went down. Yury didn’t even have time to tell her to slow down before it flipped.

We got through it, but Yury is out of commission for months now. He fractured 4 bones in his foot, and he may need to see a specialist to reset the bones or put pins in some of them. He can’t walk, shower, go anywhere or do anything without help. This has put a lot of strain on me, as I already work multiple jobs, and have very little free time as it is. Of course I’m happy to do it and help him, but it has exhausted me. I basically have no time for self care.

He can’t work, so the responsibility to pay all our bills has fallen on me. He manages to scrape rent together with the little remote work he can get done, but everything else (groceries, pg&e, gas, etc) falls on me, and I don’t know if y’all have noticed—but shit is expensive now.

I worked a crazy amount of hours in August. 60-70 hour weeks. Didn’t have a day off for 3 weeks straight between all my jobs. Though I am grateful for the work, grateful that I make good money, not having any free time really wears on you after a while.

Hence why I was getting snippy with the kids. Not an excuse, but it is the origin. Not to mention my cat Persephone of 21 years literally died in my arms… I had quite a bit of trauma compacted into two weeks. To top all of this off, I gad a terrible session with my therapist of the last 5 years, which I think concludes our working relationship.

I told my therapist about the accident, and at the time I was very angry still. The day after the accident, I apologized to my cousin for yelling at her, but expressed my concern that she has these reckless behaviors, and that I hope this will serve as a wake up call for her not to do things like that in the future. She looked at me like she hated me and said: “yeah, ok.” And got in the car and left.

My therapist started in on me, about how I’m actually not taking accountability as I said I was. She rounded on me saying that I’m still saying it’s all her fault, which in my opinion it was, not to mention I was still mad. I think I had every right to be mad, Yury and I have over 4 grand in medical bills that we can’t pay, not to mention the fact that he can’t work, and I have to work double shifts to pay our bills. All because she ignored what I had been telling her all day long. I would not have let her drive the ATV. True, Yury shouldn’t have let her drive, but it was such a relatively short distance, and had she been driving normally, none of this would have happened.

I know it was an accident, I know she didn’t do it on purpose. Yet ultimately, she is refusing to take accountability for the part she played. She did not apologize to Yury, she had not called to ask how he’s doing. Nothing.

She ran to my grandmother and basically painted it like Yury and I told her she could do that, and made all these excuses for her behavior —which is just infuriating. All you had to do, was apologize, check in on Yury and maybe offer to help him out a little while he heals. It’s not that hard. Yet again, for some people, apologies are hard. She wasn’t raised with repentant parents, she never learned how to do it.

My cousin told my grandmother that our relationship is permanently damaged because I yelled at her. That my apology was too late. My grandmother said: “she looked up to you all her life, and you crushed her when you yelled at her.”

Apparently she was hurt in the accident as well, bruising on her side. I didn’t know she was hurt, had I known I would have made sure she went in to the hospital to get checked out. I wrote her a long letter apologizing for telling the way I did (again), but expressing why I was driven to that point and hoping that we could talk and resolve this when she’s ready. I told her I still love her, and always will, but I hope she makes healthier choices in the future. She never responded to my letter, it’s been over a month now.

I remember what it was like to party with a death wish. I was there at her age.

I remember what it felt like to want to chase oblivion, because the pain inside was catching up to you and you had to keep running or it would devour you whole.

I feel so heartbroken about the whole thing. The dissolution of my relationship with her, my anger toward myself at not having control of my rage, my fear for Yury that his leg will never heal right and he may not ever be able to hike or do any of the outdoorsy things he likes to do again…

To return to my therapist, it felt like she was taking my cousins side (just like my grandmother which also devastated me, as my grandmother has been my favorite person since I was a baby), and that I was crazy for being angry and upset that she almost killed my boyfriend.

People can’t always control how they respond to trauma in the moment that it occurs, but we can control how we respond after. My therapist continued to imply that I yell at people the way Yury yells at me sometimes. Not true. I yell because that was modeled to me by my parents, and I attract partners who model this dynamic to me and I live it out unconsciously. I told my therapist that in the moment, I felt like I had no control over my panic and anger. She replied very condescendingly: “how scary that must be for you. That you can’t control it.”

She also insinuated that I shouldn’t be a mother. I know therapists are supposed to challenge you, but they are not supposed to leave you feeling suicidal after a session with them. I felt personally attacked, none of it felt constructive.

Truthfully, things have been feeling off for the last year or so with my therapist. She dropped hints about “making our sessions more infrequent” and talking about ending our sessions when my healthcare runs out. This was the final nail in the coffin that showed me she doesn’t have any respect for me as a person, and honestly doesn’t want to be working with me anymore.

That’s fine, it’s time to move on. She wasn’t a great therapist anyway, I just used the service because it was what my insurance would cover. It stopped being beneficial to me years ago. She did help—I think—or at least it helped to have someone to bitch to once a week.

I had a therapist before her… that I really loved. In 2016 I started seeking therapy because my whole works fell apart during my Saturn return. I lost my home, my job of 7 years, my long term boyfriend who I thought I was going to marry… I lost my best friend. Then a mass exodus of friends taking her side and leaving me too. It was one of the darkest times in my life. I was starving, unable to afford food.. it was a nightmare. My therapist at the time was really amazing , and in the short time we worked together I made more progress with her than anyone else I had seen.

She was spiritual, used to do tarot with me, as well as reiki healing etc. she helped me see myself and the world in a whole different light. It was a Shane we had to part ways because my insurance wouldn’t cover her, and I couldn’t afford to pay out of pocket. I was going hungry so I could see her. I wish I could find that therapist again.. she told me once: “You have been through an abnormal amount of trauma for someone your age, and it’s impressive how resilient you are. Most people with backgrounds like yours, end up on the streets using heavy drugs.”

I’ve been rambling for hours… but I guess I just needed to get this all out. Since all these recent events unfolded, I have been working really hard at taking deep breaths and monitoring my stress levels.

Also I recognize how much I complain, and I think a little gratitude practice would be good for me.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I have work, both my jobs are pretty kush in spite of the crazy hours, I have my health, thankfully my health issues subsided in 2021. I have a home, in a city and a neighborhood that I love. I did a lot of traveling in the last 2 years, I have my family with me, I have good friends. I have creative opportunities coming my way. Yury is still alive, I could have lost him. Thankfully he will heal eventually, and things will go back to the way they were. I have self awareness, which means I can change, and I have love in my life. Lots of it. I need to remember that, when things get tough.

[jayoonology]

𝐛𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐮 | 𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐝𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞

𝗮/𝗻 - y/n redemption arc thank god 😭😭 sorry for updating in a while 💔 I hope the extra long chapter makes up for it. (plus all the extra y/n and soobin content)

𝘄𝗰 - 11.6k

𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 - swearing, bullying, y/n taking part in bullying, (disclaimer - this is not the actions of the idols and is purely fiction. I’m not condoning bullying.)

𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀 ◁ | 𝗺𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁 | 𝗻𝗲𝘅𝘁 ▷

You wake up every morning with a knot in your stomach. You go to school and try to ignore Misun's presence, but you can't help but feel jealous every time you see her talking to Yeonjun. You keep telling yourself that it's silly because you're the popular girl who has it all, but jealousy consumes you.

Every time Yeonjun talks to Misun, you feel a pang of anger and frustration. You try to ignore it, but it just keeps getting worse. You can't focus in class because you're too busy thinking about Misun and Yeonjun.

You start to question yourself. Why are you so jealous of someone like Misun? She's just a scholarship student, and you have everything she could ever want. You feel stupid for feeling this way, but you can't help it. It’s just been too much to handle.

You used to hate the feeling of jumping through time, having days with memory gaps but now you wish for nothing more. You want the days to pass without seeing Misun but you can’t. Ever since the story started you’ve noticed the jumps getting less frequent, and when they do occur it’s just the next scene on the same day.

You tried staying home, telling your parents you don’t feel well but when the scene changes all of a sudden you’re dressed and at school. No matter what you do you can’t seem to escape fate.

You walked over to Taehyun's desk during study hall, feeling a weight on your chest that you just couldn't shake. Taehyun looked up from his book as you sat down heavily in the chair beside him.

"I just can't stop thinking about it, Taehyun. It's like this jealousy is consuming me," you say, placing your head on the table.

“Hello to you too I guess.” 

“It’s only been a week since the story started and Misun and Yeonjun are so close already! I don’t get time to speak to him with her hovering right there.” You whine into the table. 

"I know, I know," Taehyun replies, sounding a bit exasperated. "But you really need to stop focusing so much on them. You're a great person with so many wonderful things going on in your life."

"But it's so hard. Every time I see them together, it just makes me feel so small and insignificant," you mumble into the table.

"Look, I understand that it's hard to see someone you like with someone else, but you can't let it control you like this. You're better than that," Taehyun says, trying to be encouraging.

"I just wish I could make him see that I'm the better choice," you say, letting out a sigh.

Taehyun raises his eyebrows. "And how do you plan on doing that?"

You shrug. "I’m working on reading different books and Haechan said he could teach me some football. I’d get into more of Yeonjun’s interests but I just haven’t had time to get to know him yet!"

Taehyun sighs. "I don't think that's a good idea. Yeonjun seems happy with Misun, and besides, it's not fair to try and break them apart just because you're jealous."

You lift your head in annoyance, "I’m the better choice for Yeonjun, he’ll be happy with me. It’s an embarrassment that he’s hanging out with her!"

Taehyun tries his best to stay quiet but your jealousy has been taking a toll on him too. Lately, all you seem to talk about is Misun; forget Yeonjun, he thinks you spend more time thinking about her. It’s getting exhausting. 

“Whatever Taehyun.” You stretch, getting up from your chair, “Please get some more info on Yeonjun.” Taehyun nods, biting his tongue. Well, at least you said please. 

You walk over a couple tables down to your friends, sitting in between Yunjin and Haechan, discussing your plans for the upcoming weekend when you overhear them whispering about Misun. You can’t help but listen in. 

"I can't believe she thinks she can just talk to Yeonjun like that," Yunjin said, her voice dripping with venom. "She's nothing but a loser, and she needs to learn her place."

Haechan nodded in agreement. "We should teach her a lesson. Maybe pour a bucket of water on her or something. That would be hilarious."

“Y/N, you in?” Yunjin shoots you a mischievous smile. Pouring water on her? That’s going to ruin her uniform…completely embarrassing her! Yeonjun would be so embarrassed to be with her then, wouldn’t he?

Just as you’re about the nod you pause. If you do that then you’re taking part in bullying. Yes, you’re popular but you never took part in bullying, not even in primary school. You always thought it was best not to get involved, it always kept you out of trouble. You’d be lying if you said you were innocent though. Though you never took part, some of your friends did while you just sat and watched. It wouldn’t be the first time someone you’re friendly with has bullied Misun. 

Who cares anyway? This isn’t even a real world. You live in manhwa, nothing you do is real unless it’s illustrated and you aren’t doing this on stage. Taehyun warned you to not do unusual things in the shadow, and it’s definitely not unusual for Misun to get bullied. It used to be a daily occurrence. It isn’t like it’ll hurt your reputation, once the scene changes everyone will forget it ever happened. Plus, at least now you get to relieve some of the tension you’ve been feeling the past week. 

“Count me in.” You smile, shaking Yunjin’s hand. Haechan pats your back, happy that you’re taking part in his plan. 

As you walk down the hallway with Yunjin and Haechan, you see Misun walking towards you, carrying a stack of books. Yunjin and Haechan started to snicker, whispering to each other, "Let's do it." 

Before even rationalising it, you grab a bucket of water from a nearby janitor's closet and tossed it on Misun. The water splashed all over her clothes and books, leaving her completely drenched.

Misun looked shocked and started to cry, and you were at a loss for words. The hallway erupts into laughter, some students even giving you and your friends a high-five. But somewhere deep in your heart, you knew it was wrong. You stood there silently, unable to feel the same high your friends were. It doesn’t seem very rewarding. 

But before you could even process what had happened, Yeonjun came up to you, looking furious. "What the hell is wrong with you?" he demanded. "How could you bully someone like that?" 

You stammer, not expecting Yeonjun to be somewhere in the crowd. “I-I... It was Haechan!” You exclaim, pointing straight at your friend who was holding the bucket. 

“Yo, what the fuck, you were part of it too!” He exclaims, surprised that you would turn on him like this. 

"Why did you do that?" Yeonjun asks, his voice shaking with anger. "What did Misun ever do to you?" You felt your heart break into a hundred pieces, the way he looked at you made you want to cry. Yeonjun’s eyes showed nothing but disgust. 

Yunjin and Haechan exchanged another glance before Haechan spoke up. "We...we didn't mean to," he said, his voice wavering. "It was just a prank."

"That's not a prank, that's bullying," Yeonjun said firmly. Three of you looked more sheepish than ever as you shuffled your feet, unable to meet Yeonjun’s intense gaze.

"You three should be ashamed of yourselves," Yeonjun said, his voice cold. He turns to Misun, who’s shaking as she cries silently. 

He walked over to Misun and helped her up, handing her a towel. "Are you okay?" he asked gently 

Misun nodded, still sniffling. "Thank you," she whispered. He wraps his blazer around her shoulders, taking her hand and walking away. 

Haechan scowls at you, "I can't believe you betrayed me like that. You lied to Yeonjun and made me look bad."

“Well, it was you who came up with the idea.” You shrug, standing defiantly. This did not go according to plan. What is Yeonjun doing here? Wasn’t he supposed to be at practice with Taehyun? And now on top of all that he thinks you’re an awful person for what you did to Misun. 

“Not cool Y/N,” Yunjin says, taking a couple steps back from you, crossing her arms. 

“What, it wasn’t me who did anything, I just watched.” You tried to defend yourself even though you knew you were in the wrong. 

Yunjin and Haechan don’t say another word to you, turning away. Before you could chase them down the hall, you feel a tight grasp on your shoulder. “Ow ow ow!” You exclaim, 

You feel a hand on your arm, pulling you into an empty classroom. It's Taehyun, and he looks serious. "What did you do to Misun?" he asks, his tone firm.

You look at him, feeling a lump form in your throat. You know what he's talking about. You tried to bully Misun, just like your other friends did. You feel ashamed and guilty, but you can't bring yourself to admit it to Taehyun.

"Nothing," you reply, trying to sound casual.

"Don't lie to me," Taehyun says, his eyes narrowing. "I heard about what happened. You need to tell Yeonjun the truth."

You feel a knot form in your stomach. You don't want to lose Yeonjun, but you know that you need to take responsibility for your actions. "I know," you say quietly. "I messed up." You can feel tears welling up in your eyes as he continues to scold you. You know he's right, but it hurts to hear it out loud. You feel like a terrible person for not standing up for Misun.

As Taehyun scolds you for your behaviour towards Misun, you begin to feel overwhelmed. His words start to blur together and you feel as though you're underwater. You can see his lips moving, but you can't make out what he's saying. All you can think about is how much you messed up and how much you wish you could take it all back. You feel as though you're floating away from your own body, observing the situation from a distance. It's like you're stuck in your own head, unable to process what's happening around you. Eventually, Taehyun stops talking and you snap back to reality. You can see the disappointment in his eyes, and it stings. You know you messed up, but you feel like you're unable to make it right. 

"Are you even listening to me?" Taehyun asks, his voice tinged with frustration.

You snapped back to reality, "I'm listening." 

"You need to stop obsessing over Misun and Yeonjun," he said sternly. "It's not healthy, and it's not fair to me or our other friends."

You couldn't bring yourself to respond, and Taehyun's voice grew louder.

“You only ever talk to me when you want to vent about Misun and Yeonjun and it’s fucking exhausting Y/N.” His words hit you hard, and you could feel the weight of his disappointment. You knew he was right, but you didn't know how to break free from the jealousy and obsession that consumed you. "You need to stop acting like a victim all the time," he says, his tone serious. "You have everything, and Misun has nothing. She gets bullied every day, and you're complaining because she has Yeonjun? That's not fair to her."

“Taehyun-“ 

"The point is, you're acting entitled. You act like the world owes you something, and it doesn't. You need to start being a better friend to me, like when was the last time you asked me how I was? I’m tired of you making everything about yourself." His face only getting redder, "I know it's hard to be the second lead," Taehyun continued. "But that doesn't mean you get to act like a diva and throw a tantrum every time things don't go your way. You need to check your ego.” 

You feel a lump forming in your throat and your eyes start to water. You try to hold back your tears, but they start to trickle down your cheeks.

"I can't believe you would treat someone like that," Taehyun says, his voice firm but gentle. "Misun doesn't deserve to be treated that way."

You try to speak, but your voice is caught in your throat. You take a deep breath and manage to choke out a response, "I know, Taehyun. I just feel so jealous and angry all the time."

"I can't take it anymore," you say, your voice trembling. "Yeonjun is supposed to like Misun on stage, but it's like he doesn't even notice me in the shadow."

Taehyun's expression softens as he places a comforting hand on your shoulder. "I understand that it can be tough, Y/N. But you have to remember that the writer has a plan for each character, and sometimes it doesn't always go the way we want it to."

You sniffle, wiping away your tears. "I know, I know. It's just hard to see Yeonjun paying attention to Misun all the time when I'm right here and I have everything. It doesn't make sense to me."

Taehyun sighs, shaking his head. "You're being insecure again, Y/N. It's not about what you have or what Misun doesn't have. Yeonjun likes her for who she is, not what she has or doesn't have. You need to stop comparing yourself to her and start focusing on being a better friend and person."

"But I'm the second lead," you say, wiping your tears. “But he doesn’t pay any attention to me.”

Taehyun looks at you sympathetically. "Y/N, you can't let your insecurities and jealousy control you. Yeonjun likes Misun, and that's just the way it is. You have to accept that and move on. You're more than just a character in this manhwa, you're a person with your own feelings and desires. Don't let the writer's control over the stage overshadow your own desires."

You take a deep breath, wiping away your tears as you look up at him. "I'm sorry, Taehyun. You're right, I've been so caught up in my own feelings that I haven't been a good friend to you," you say, your voice shaking with emotion.

Taehyun pulls you into a hug, rubbing your back soothingly. "It's okay, Y/N. I know you're going through a tough time," he says softly. "But you need to realise that Misun is a person too, and you can't keep treating her like she's less than you just because she's not popular or rich."

You nod, tears still streaming down your face. "I've been so awful to her," you say, your voice barely above a whisper. "And I'm sorry I've been such a burden on you too. You don't deserve to deal with all of my drama."

Taehyun pulls away from the hug and looks you in the eyes. "Y/N, you're not a burden. I care about you and I want to help you through this. But you need to start taking responsibility for your actions and treating others with kindness and respect," he says firmly.

“I should probably apologise to Misun and Yeonjun now.” You say, wiping your face with the back of your hands. 

“It doesn’t really matter anymore.” Taehyun straightens his posture, “The scene is about to change, they’re going to forget that this ever happen—“

click

You walk down the hallway with a heavy heart, feeling guilty for what you did to Misun. You wish you could go back in time and change things, but you know it's impossible. Suddenly, you hear someone calling your name. You turn around and see that it's Yeonjun. You feel your heart beating faster as he approaches you; both because of nervousness and fear. You know Taehyun just said the scene has changed but you can’t help but still feel a bit afraid. What if Yeonjun remembers?

"Hey, Y/N, how are you?" He asks, flashing you a charming smile. You almost felt like you were going to throw up. His eyes were different than before, there was no indifference. Yeonjun doesn’t remember the Misun incident. Thank god. But that doesn’t help you from feeling guilty. 

You feel your heart race as you reply, “Same old, stressed about Mr Cho’s homework. Have you finished it?” 

“Oh shit, I completely forgot about that,” he replies, running a hand through his hair. “But listen, I wanted to ask you something."

“If it’s about the homework I won’t be able to help.” You laugh. You’re thankful you’re on stage because if you weren’t you wouldn’t be able to keep your voice steady. 

"Well, my football team has a game coming up this weekend, and I was wondering if you'd like to come watch. I know it's not really your thing, but it would mean a lot to me if you came." He says, somewhat nervously. 

You feel your heart flutter at his invitation and quickly agree, "Of course, I'd love to come watch. What time is it?"

"It's at 2 pm on Saturday," he answers, flashing you another charming smile. "Thanks for agreeing to come, Y/N. I really appreciate it."

"No problem, Yeonjun," you reply, feeling a bit flustered.

As he turns to leave, he pauses for a moment and leans in a little closer to you. "Oh, and by the way, thanks again for speaking to Johnny about getting me on the team. I owe you one."

You feel your cheeks heat up a little bit, but you quickly compose yourself and reply, "No worries, Yeonjun. I'm always happy to help."

He nods, flashing you one last smile before walking away. You can't help but feel a little giddy, feeling grateful that he asked you to come to his match. Is this your luck really turning around? Is Yeonjun finally noticing you? You try to calm yourself down and remember the conversation you had with Taehyun, you can’t obsess over this. Of course, you won’t give up on Yeonjun but you aren’t going to stand between him and Misun. You know you need to make things right with Misun, but for now, you can't help but enjoy the attention of the guy you've been crushing on.

click

You don’t watch Yeonjun leave, instead, you decide to make things right with Misun. You walk up to Misun's locker, taking a deep breath before you open your mouth. "Hey, Misun," you say, trying to sound casual.

Misun jumps at the sound of your voice and turns to face you, eyes widening in surprise. "H-hi," she stammers, clearly taken aback by your sudden appearance.

You clear your throat and try to sound as sincere as possible. "I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry for how I treated you before. I know I was really mean and I regret it. I hope we can start over and be friends." 

Misun looks at you confused, clearly not expecting such an apology from someone like you. “But you’ve always been so nice to me Y/N,” she says, her voice barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry, I don't remember what you're talking about," 

You feel a pang of guilt in your chest. Of course, she wouldn't remember. The scene had changed, the writer had made it so. But you still feel the need to apologise.

"It's okay if you don't remember. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for anything I may have done to hurt you in the past. I didn't treat you with the respect you deserve, and that's not okay," you say, trying to keep your voice calm.

Misun looks at you with surprise in her eyes. "Why are you apologising to me?" she asks, her voice quivering.

"Because it's the right thing to do," you say, feeling a sense of relief wash over you. "I shouldn't have treated you the way I did, and I want to make it right."

Misun looks down at her hands and nods her head slowly. "Thank you," she says softly. "I appreciate it."

As you turn to leave, Misun looks up at you, a small smile on her face. "Hey, Y/N?" You turn around to face her.

"I don't have any friends, and I was wondering if... if maybe we could hang out sometime?" You feel a surge of warmth in your chest as you realise that maybe, just maybe, you can make a difference in someone's life. 

"Of course, Misun. I would love that." Suddenly you feel a weight on your back, you stumbled forward slightly before steadying yourself. You could recognise the person before they even spoke. Beomgyu.

You feel Beomgyu's weight as he clings to your back, his arms wrapped around your neck. "Ooh, look who's got an invitation to Yeonjun's football match!" he teases, his voice dripping with playful mockery, making kissing noises. 

You roll your eyes, but can't help the grin that spreads across your face. "Shut up, Beomgyu," you playfully retort, giving him a light nudge.

Misun looked on with a mixture of surprise and discomfort, feeling out of place in the interaction. Beomgyu didn't seem to notice her presence,, as he excitedly spoke to you. You couldn't help but smile at Beomgyu's enthusiasm, but you also felt a pang of guilt for Misun, who was standing there awkwardly, clearly feeling left out. "Uh, Beomgyu, this is Misun," you said, gesturing to the timid girl beside you. "Misun, this is Beomgyu." 

Beomgyu hops off your back and falls into step beside you. "Hey, Y/N, I know it's not my business, but are you and Yeonjun...you know," Beomgyu trails off, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

You roll your eyes, feeling your cheeks heat up. "No, Beomgyu, we're not 'you know'," you reply, trying to keep your voice level.

Misun looks uncomfortable as Beomgyu continues to tease you. She clearly likes Yeonjun too and the thought of you and Yeonjun together seems to bother her. "Hey, Misun. Sorry about that. We didn't mean to ignore you."

Misun shrugs, trying to hide her disappointment. "It's okay. I was just...listening."

You nod sympathetically, not wanting to make her feel worse. "Well, if you want to come to the football match with me, you're more than welcome. It'll be fun!" It’s hard to be nice to her, it’s hard to even admit that it’s hard to be nice to her. But Taehyun was right, you can’t be a bitch, you need to be a better person, even if it means inviting Misun to the football game. 

Misun's eyes light up at the invitation. "Really? You want me to come with you?"

You nod, silencing your inner demon, “The more the merrier right?” Before Misun could answer, Beomgyu grabs your wrist. 

“Okay, see you later Misun!” He pastes a smile on his face, dragging you away from her. You feel your body tighten as Beomgyu drags you away from Misun, who looks confused and a little hurt. You genuinely wanted to invite her to the football game. You try to protest, but he doesn't seem to be listening. Finally, he stops in front of his partner Cat, who looks up from their book with a raised eyebrow. 

"What's going on, Beomgyu?" They ask, closing their book.

"This one," he says, gesturing to you. "Invited Misun to Yeonjun's game." Your friends' eyes widen, as they lean forward to hear more. 

Cat exclaims in surprise. "Misun? That girl who Yeonjun likes?”

You feel your cheeks flush with embarrassment. "I didn't know that," you say quietly. "I just wanted to be nice to her." 

Beomgyu rolls his eyes. "Yeah, well, you're not doing Yeonjun any favours. You're just making things worse by taking her to the game."

"But I promised Taehyun I'd be a better person," you protest. "And Misun is really nice once you get to know her."

Cat looks at you with a sympathetic expression. "I understand what you're trying to do," They say. "But you have to be careful. Yeonjun likes Misun, whether she realises it or not. Taking her to the game will only push them closer together."

You feel a sinking feeling in your stomach at her words. You don’t really like Misun all that much but you still want to try to like her. You just hope that by being a better person, you'll be able to find happiness, even if it's not with him. You try to smile, but it feels fake. The thought of Yeonjun liking Misun is too painful to bear.

Beomgyu nods in agreement, still looking unhappy about the situation. "We just don't want you to get hurt," he says, placing a comforting hand on your shoulder.

Kai, being the peacemaker that he is, tries to defend your point of view. "Guys, come on. Misun didn't do anything wrong. Y/N just wants to make things right with her. We should give her a chance."

But the others don't seem to see it that way. They see Misun as some evil person trying to take away Yeonjun from you. "She's always trying to get close to him. It's so obvious," Cat chimes in.

"But Misun is always causing drama," Yoon interjected. "She's just trying to steal Yeonjun away from you." You want to roll your eyes and tell your friends it’s actually the opposite. Misun is supposed to be with Yeonjun, you’re just trying to worm your way in. 

"You're being too soft, Kai," Haechan said. “Look the damage is done, you invited her. But what if we stop her from going?” 

“What are you suggesting?” Cat raises their brow. 

“Let’s just say she accidentally gets locked in the supply closet.” Haechan laughs, eliciting one from Beomgyu too. 

"Look, I appreciate your concern," you said, trying to sound as diplomatic as possible. "But I made a promise to myself to be a better person. And part of that means being nice to everyone." You can’t let Haechan bully Misun and you definitely cannot join into it. 

“Whatever, you can be friends with her but I’m not.” Beomgyu rolls his eyes. You sigh, at least it was a start right? You were getting tired of trying to explain yourself, so when Kai suddenly announced that he was going to talk to Taehyun, you quickly tagged along.

Kai looked surprised to see you following him. "I didn't know you were friends with Taehyun," he said, a note of curiosity in his voice. “I thought you said he was a creep.” Kai tased. 

You laugh in embarrassment at the memory, “You’re right, he’s a good guy.”

Kai chuckles, and the two of you continued down the hallway in silence for a while. Finally, Kai spoke up again. "I don't know why they're all so against Misun. I mean, sure, she's not the most popular person in school, but that doesn't mean she's a bad person."

You sigh, nodding your head, “They're just so convinced that she's trying to steal Yeonjun away from me."

Kai shook his head. "It's ridiculous. Yeonjun is his own person. He can make his own decisions. Besides, if he does end up liking Misun, then it's not like you can control that."

You nodded in agreement. "I just wish they could see things from my perspective."

Hyuka put a hand on your shoulder. "Hey, it's not your job to make them understand. Just do what feels right for you and if that means inviting Misun to Yeonjun's game, then go for it. It's your life, not theirs."

You and Kai walked down to the football pitch, the sun beating down on you as you approached the field. The sound of cleats hitting the pavement filled your ears, and you could see Taehyun warming up with some of the other players.

"Hey, Taehyun!" Kai called out as the two of you made your way closer to the field. “When does your practice end?”

Taehyun grinned back at you, sweat beginning to bead on his forehead. “Just trying to get warmed up for the game, haven’t even started yet. You guys coming to watch?" he asked, gesturing to the bleachers on the sideline.

"Yeah, we're planning on it," you replied. "How do you think you’re going to do?"

Taehyun chuckled. "You know, I’m pretty nervous about this one. We’ve lost every time a play against YG.”

"So, have you heard anything about YG's team?" you ask Taehyun.

Taehyun nods. "Yeah, they're really good. But we're not going to let that get to us. We're going to play our game and give it everything we've got."

Kai smiles, throwing his arms around a sweaty Taehyun. “I believe in you guys! You’ll definitely win!” 

Taehyun warms in the hug, lightly patting Hyuka. “I know we will.” He says meeting your eyes. You know exactly what he meant. This is the first big game the team is having this year, and it’s extra special because it’s Yeonjun’s debut. With Yeonjun in the team, you aren’t going to lose. He’s the main character, everything is going to go his way. 

"Hey, I'm going to go grab a drink. You want anything?" he asked you and Taehyun, pulling away.

Taehyun shook his head. "Nah, I'm good. Thanks, though."

As Kai walked away, you turned back to Taehyun. "Hey, so, about earlier..." you trailed off, unsure of how to bring up the topic of Misun and Yeonjun.

Taehyun raised an eyebrow in question. "What about it?"

You take a deep breath, slightly nervous, “Are we.. are we okay?” 

Taehyun's expression softened. “Yeah we’re okay, don’t worry.” 

“Are you sure because—“

“We’re good, I promise Y/N.” He smiles. Suddenly, Taehyun’s eyes sparkle mischievously, “Anyways, I heard Yeonjun personally invited you.” He nudges your shoulder playfully, “Looks like he’s started noticing you huh?” 

You feel your cheeks flush even deeper, “It isn’t that big of a deal, I mean I did help him land the gig. He probably just felt obligated to invite me.” 

As you turned to head back to the bleachers with Taehyun, Kai came back with a bottle of water in his hand. "What'd I miss?" he asked, looking between the two of you.

"Just some girl talk," Taehyun joked, giving you a playful nudge. You settle on the bleachers with Hyuka and Taehyun. You find yourself tuning out of Kai and Taehyun’s conversation, finally getting a moment of peace. You haven’t felt this carefree in well..forever! At first, it was the jumping and then it was Misun but now it just seems calm. You seem to be figuring out what to do with the entire situation. It's a relaxing and carefree moment, a nice break from the stress of school and life. Who knew sitting on the bleachers watching someone play football can be so therapeutic? You take a deep breath and enjoy the peaceful moment. The sun is warm on your skin, and the breeze is gentle. You close your eyes for a moment and just soak in the calmness of the moment.

As you open your eyes, you notice someone walking towards you. It's Yeonjun. Your heart beats faster as he approaches and sits next to you. "Hey," he says with a smile. "Enjoying the game?"

"Yeah, it's been fun to watch," you reply, trying to keep your cool.

Yeonjun smiles and looks at you with his piercing eyes. "I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the cafe the other day. Can we go today instead?"

Your heart skips a beat as he apologises, for some reason your throat starts to close up. You start to feel flustered and awkward, not knowing how to respond. "I, uh, I'm not sure if I can go today," you manage to stammer. 

"That's okay," Yeonjun says with a reassuring smile. "Let me know if you change your mind. I'll be around."

“Um, uh. Cool!” You say suddenly standing up, “I have to go now.” You take long strides, walking away from the pitch. 

As you're walking away from the bleachers, you suddenly feel someone grabbing your arm and spinning you around. It's Taehyun, looking at you with an amused expression. "What was that all about, huh? Running away from Yeonjun like that?"

You feel your face heat up with embarrassment. "I don't know, I just got nervous, I guess," you mutter, trying to avoid Taehyun's gaze.

Taehyun raises an eyebrow. "Nervous? Why would you be nervous? It's just Yeonjun."

You can't help but feel annoyed by Taehyun's dismissive tone. "Well, excuse me for having feelings, Taehyun," you snap back. "I know it sounds stupid, but I just can't help it. And besides, I didn't want to go out with him today. I have other things to do."

Taehyun looks at you sceptically. "Really? Because it seems like you're just making excuses. Are you sure you're not just afraid of getting rejected?"

You feel a pang of anger at Taehyun's accusation. "No, I'm not afraid of getting rejected. I just don't want to go out with him today."

Taehyun gives you a knowing look. "You're not actually interested in him, are you?"

"What? No, I am!" you protest, feeling defensive.

Taehyun tilts his head, looking at you sceptically. "Really? I've seen you talk to guys before, and you're always super confident. Are you sure you actually like him?"

You furrow your brow, feeling a little defensive. "Yes, I'm sure. Why wouldn't I?"

Taehyun shrugs. "I don't know, I just get the feeling that maybe you're not really into him."

“I do Taehyun, I promise.” You respond, staring deep into his large brown eyes. 

“Okay.” He nods, accepting your answer, “I’ll catch up with you later, I need to get back to practice.” You nod, waving as he walks away. 

Suddenly the thought of seeing Soobin crosses your mind. You're not sure why, but you feel a sudden urge to talk to him. You excuse yourself from the conversation and begin your walk towards the library, where you know he spends a lot of his free time.

The sun is still shining brightly, warming your skin as you make your way through the busy hallways of the school. You pass by students chatting and laughing, some heading towards their next class, while others are making their way outside to enjoy the beautiful weather.

That’s right! What’s gotten into you? You should accept Yeonjun’s date and wow him with all the books you’ve been reading! You mentally facepalm, why did you have to act like such an idiot in front of him? Now that you think about it, you also have Soobin to apologise to. Although you got his number, you’ve barely used it, using it just once or twice to get some book recommendations while you wallowed in your self-pity. In fact, you haven’t even spoken to him since he walked you home from the cafe.

‘Man I really was a bitch huh?’ You think to yourself, ‘Thank god Taehyun spoke some sense into me.’ As you step into the library, the smell of old books and the sound of quiet whispers fill the air. The shelves tower over you, filled with books on every subject imaginable. You take a deep breath and begin your search for Soobin. You walk past the rows of bookshelves, scanning the tables and chairs for any sign of him. You spot a familiar head of brown hair in the corner, and you make your way over. As you get closer, you see that Soobin is surrounded by books and papers, his eyes darting back and forth as he scribbles something down. You clear your throat to get his attention.

"Soobin?" you say softly.

He jumps at the sound of your voice, knocking over a stack of books in the process. He quickly scrambles to pick them up and straighten his papers. "Oh, hi," he says, his voice quiet and shy.

"I just wanted to say hi," you say, trying to keep the conversation light, taking a seat next to him. "It's been a while since we've talked."

Soobin nods but doesn't say anything. You can tell he's uncomfortable, and it makes you feel guilty for not reaching out to him sooner.

"I know we're not close or anything, but I didn't want things to be weird between us," you continue, hoping to put him at ease.

Soobin shifts in his seat, and you can see his fingers fidgeting with the pages of his book. "Yeah, I know what you mean," he says quietly. "I didn't want things to be weird either."

You both sit in silence for a moment, and you feel a pang of regret for not making more of an effort to be friendly with Soobin. He's always seemed so shy and awkward, and you can't help but wonder if he has any friends at all, you’ve never really seen him talk to anyone. “Uh... I read the book you recommended. The Taebaek Mountains?”

Soobin looks surprised but pleased. "Oh, I'm glad you liked it. It's one of my favourites."

You smile, hoping to put him at ease. "Yeah, it was really well-written. I especially liked how the author was able to capture the struggles of the people in rural areas. It was eye-opening for me." You pause for a moment, gathering your thoughts

Soobin's eyes light up. "Yes! That's exactly what I love about it. It's such an important book, and I think more people should read it." 

You can’t help but admire the twinkle in Soobin’s eyes. His eyes light up and a smile spreads across his face as he describes the intricacies of each book he's read. It's like he's transported to another world, completely absorbed in the story. It’s kinda cute. 

“What are you reading now?” You ask, leaning in a bit closer to take a look at the book and notice Soobin's face flush a bit. But you don't pay it much attention as you nod and say, "Oh, I've heard of that one. Is it good?"

Soobin seems to relax a bit as he starts to talk about the book, "Yeah, it's really interesting. The way Murakami writes just... it's like he reaches into your soul and pulls out all these emotions you didn't even know you had." Soobin's eyes light up as he starts to explain the plot to you. As he talks, he becomes more animated and less shy, gesturing with his hands and even laughing a little at some of the more humorous parts.

Finally, he finishes his explanation and looks up at you expectantly. "So, what do you think? Sounds interesting, right?"

You nod, "Yeah, it does. You really know your books, Soobin."

He looks down, bashful. "Oh, it's nothing really.” He says, handing you the book. You feel a small jolt of excitement as Soobin hands you the book "I think you'll really like it," he says with a smile, his eyes sparkling with enthusiasm.

"Thank you, Soobin," you reply, feeling grateful and a bit surprised by his gesture. "But aren't you still reading it?"

Soobin shakes his head, "It's okay, I can always get another copy. I want you to have it so we can talk about it later."

You can't help but feel a warm sensation in your chest at Soobin's thoughtfulness. He's always been so kind and generous with his recommendations, but this feels different somehow. It's as if he's extending an invitation to connect with him on a deeper level. Your eyes soften as you look at the book. Soobin is such a sweetheart and you’ve been so awful to him. 

"I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in a while, Soobin. I've been going through some stuff and I guess I kind of shut everyone out," you say, trying to make amends.

Soobin looks up at you with a small smile. "It's okay. I understand," 

You shake your head, feeling guilty. "No, it's not okay. You're always so nice to me and I appreciate it, I should be a better friend to you."

Soobin's smile fades slightly and he looks down at his book. "We're not really friends, though, are we? I mean, we've only talked a few times about books."

You reach out and gently touch his arm. "But that doesn't mean I can't try to be a better friend. I want to get to know you better and hang out outside of the library."

Soobin looks up at you, surprise evident in his eyes. "Really? You want to hang out with me?"

You nod quickly, “Of course I do!” You plop your elbows on the table, leaning your head on it as you look at Soobin. “So, Soobin, what do you like to do other than reading?”

"Um, well," he starts, "I guess I like to write a little bit."

"Really?" you ask, intrigued. "What kind of things do you write?"

"Just some short stories," Soobin replies, a hint of shyness in his voice. "I don't really show them to anyone though. It's just something I do for fun."

“Oh my god! Really?” you say with a smile. "I bet they're really good. Will you let me read one?”

Soobin's cheeks turn pink at your compliment. "Uh, yeah, maybe," he says softly.

“So, how’d you know Taehyun?” You ask, deciding to bring up your mutual friend.

"I'm actually in the music club with him. We play instruments together."

"Wait, you're in the music club with Taehyun?" You ask, curious.

Soobin nods a small smile on his face. "Yeah, we're both in it. I play the piano and Taehyun plays the guitar."

You were impressed. "Wow, that's really cool. I didn't know you played an instrument, Soobin."

Soobin hesitates for a moment, but then he looks up at you and shyly admits, "I play the piano." He chuckles awkwardly, “I don't really talk about it much. I guess it's just not something that comes up in conversation very often."

You had no idea that he had such a talent. “No way! You can play the piano? You’re like some creative genius.” you gushed, feeling genuinely interested in learning more about him.

Soobin's face started to turn a shade of pink, and you couldn't help but tease him a little. "Aww, you're turning red, Soobin. Don't be embarrassed, you should be proud of your talent!" you said with a grin.

Soobin looked down, still blushing, but you could tell he appreciated your compliments. "Thanks," he said softly, still looking a bit bashful.

"I've always wanted to learn an instrument, but I never had the patience for it." You say.

"It definitely takes a lot of practice," Soobin says, smiling.

You gasp suddenly, causing Soobin to get slightly alarmed. You look at Soobin with a playful glint in your eye. “Can you teach me how to play the piano right now?"

Soobin looks surprised by your sudden request, but he can't hide the small smile that tugs at his lips. "Um, I don't know if I can teach you right now. I mean, we're in the library and-" You grin excitedly and take hold of his hand, tugging him along as you begin to make your way through the busy school halls. Soobin stumbles a bit at first, caught off guard by your sudden enthusiasm, but quickly regains his balance and starts walking with you. You both weave in and out of the crowd of students, dodging backpacks and classmates, until you finally reach the door of the music room.

Soobin's heart beats faster as you hold his hand, he's always admired you from afar, impressed by your confidence and outgoing personality. I mean who wouldn’t? He never thought he'd have the chance to be alone with you, let alone hold your hand. He tries to push aside his thoughts of you being out of his league and instead focuses on the task at hand.

You quickly push the door open and pull Soobin inside, feeling a surge of excitement as you take in the room filled with instruments. Soobin looks around nervously, his eyes flickering over the pianos and drum sets before he turns to you and says hesitantly, "Are you sure about this? I mean, I'm not really a teacher or anything…"

You give him an encouraging smile and pat his shoulder reassuringly. “It’s okay! I’m sure you’re a great teacher.” He takes a deep breath and tries to calm his racing heart, hoping he won't mess up in front of you

Soobin sits down at the piano and motions for you to sit beside him. You take a seat, feeling a little nervous but mostly excited to learn from him. "So, where should we start?" you ask, looking at Soobin expectantly.

"Let's start with some basic chords," he suggests, placing his fingers on the keys and guiding your hands to do the same. "First, we'll start with C major."

You follow Soobin's lead, your fingers awkwardly hitting the keys, but with his guidance, you start to get the hang of it. At first, your fingers fumble over the keys and the notes come out all wrong, but Soobin patiently corrects you and shows you how to position your hands properly. You feel a bit embarrassed at your lack of skill, but Soobin encourages you to keep trying. You play a few more chords, and with each one, Soobin's eyes light up with excitement. He's such a good teacher, and you can tell he's passionate about music.

After a while, you start to get the hang of it and play a simple melody with a big smile on your face. Soobin claps for you, and you feel proud of yourself.

"Wow, you're a natural!" Soobin says, grinning. "You picked that up so quickly."

"Thanks to you," you reply, feeling grateful for his guidance.

As you sit at the piano, your fingers tracing the keys under Soobin's watchful eye, the sound of the school bell suddenly fills the room. The loud, jarring ring echoes off the walls, interrupting your concentration and causing both you and Soobin to jump in surprise. For a moment, the two of you simply sit there, frozen, listening as the bell continues to ring. Soobin looks over at you, his expression hesitant as he asks, "Do you have to go to class?"

But you were feeling too euphoric to let the bell interrupt your time with him. "Yeah, but I'm skipping it," you said, grinning at him.

Soobin's eyes widened in surprise, and you could see the corner of his lips twitching upwards as he processed your words. "Really?" he asked, sounding both hesitant and pleased. He felt his heart flutter in his chest. He had never expected someone like you, who was so popular and outgoing, to choose to spend time with him, someone who had always been in the background.

You nodded confidently, feeling a surge of boldness coursing through you. "Yeah, really. I'd much rather be with you," you said, beaming at him.

A soft smile graces Soobin's face, and he turns back to the piano. "Okay, then let's keep practising."

Soobin carefully places his fingers on the piano keys, guiding you through each note as you watch his every movement. The atmosphere in the music room is hushed and serene as you both try not to make any noise, afraid of getting caught for skipping class. The only sounds that can be heard are the soft tinkling of the piano keys and the occasional sound of rustling pages as Soobin flips through his music book to find the next piece for you to practice.

His patient guidance and the calming sound of the piano help ease your worries and clear your mind. His gentle guidance as he helps you navigate the keys feels like a warm embrace, and you find yourself smiling without even realizing it. The sunlight filtering through the music room window casts a soft glow on your surroundings, and everything feels serene and calm. For once, you're not thinking about being popular or impressing anyone.

Despite the occasional mistake, you were improving with each passing minute, and Soobin seemed genuinely pleased with your progress. He'd lean in close to give you pointers, and you could feel his warm breath on your neck, sending shivers down your spine. You can’t remember the last time you felt this happy and carefree, and you know that it was all thanks to Soobin.

Suddenly you hear the sound of footsteps outside the music room. Soobin immediately freezes and looks towards the door in a panic. You both frantically look around the room for a place to hide, but there's nowhere to go. The music room is large and open, with just a few instruments scattered around and a couple of chairs pushed up against the wall. You're about to panic when Soobin grabs your hand and pulls you towards a small corner of the room, hidden from view. You follow his lead and huddle in the cramped space, your bodies pressed against each other. You try to slow your breathing as the door creaked open and a teacher's voice calls out.

"Is anyone in here? This is a reminder that all students are required to attend their scheduled classes."

Soobin's hand grips yours tightly as the footsteps grow closer. You feel hear your heart beating in your chest and you know that if the teacher found you, you’d be in big trouble. The footsteps stopped just outside the corner where you and Soobin are hiding. You hold your breath as the teacher's shadow looms over you. But to your surprise, the teacher's attention is drawn to a pile of sheet music on a nearby table. He picks it up and starts rifling through the pages, muttering to himself about how unbelievably messy the music room was. You and Soobin exchange a relieved glance and tried to remain as quiet as possible, waiting for the teacher to leave. Soobin's grip on your hand tightens, and you can feel his rapid breaths against your cheek. You look up at him, and your eyes meet his. Even in the dim light, you can see the sparkle in his eyes. You reach out and squeeze his hand reassuringly, hoping to calm him down.

The seconds tick by agonisingly slowly as the teacher seems to hesitate before finally leaving the room, their footsteps fading away as they walk down the hallway. As the door to the music room finally clicked shut, you and Soobin let out a simultaneous sigh of relief. You can feel Soobin's heart racing against your chest, and you wonder if he can feel yours do the same. Your bodies were still pressed against each other, and you could feel the heat emanating from his cheeks as he realised just how close you were. He opens his mouth to apologise, but nothing comes out.

You can't help but smile at how cute he looks when he's flustered. "It's okay, Soobin," you say, still grinning. "I don't mind being pressed up against you like this."

Soobin's eyes widen, and he looks even more embarrassed. "I-I'm sorry," he stammers. "I didn't mean to be so close to you. It's just that we had to hide, and there wasn't enough space."

You laugh, shaking your head. "It's fine, Soobin. I was just teasing you. You don't have to be so nervous."

Soobin nods, still blushing. "Okay," he says softly.

You feel a surge of affection for Soobin, and you can't resist the urge to give him a playful nudge. "You're so cute when you're flustered," you say, grinning.

Soobin's eyes widen even more, and he looks like he's about to pass out. "W-what? I-I'm not cute," he stammers.

You chuckle. "Oh, you are," you say. "Especially when you're all red like that."

Soobin shakes his head, still looking embarrassed. “I-I don't know why you think that," he says.

You can’t help but continue teasing Soobin, his flustered reaction just too cute to resist. "You know, Soobin, you still haven’t moved,” you quipped, grinning mischievously at him. Soobin's cheeks flush even deeper, his eyes darting away from you.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" His eyes widened, and he opened his mouth to say something, but then your stomach let out a loud rumble, interrupting him. Both of you burst out laughing, and Soobin's tension seemed to ease a bit.

"Looks like you skipped lunch too, huh?" Soobin said, still laughing.

You nodded, feeling a bit embarrassed about your stomach making such a loud noise. “What's your favourite food again?"

“Um..bingsu.” He chuckles, still unable to look you in the eye. You pull away from him, straightening your uniform.

You turn to face Soobin, a mischievous glint in your eyes. "Soobin, come with me. I want to show you something," you say, grabbing his hand once again.

Soobin looks hesitant, his brow furrowing in confusion. "What are you talking about? We can't just leave," he protests softly. “School isn’t finished yet.”

You give him an excited smile. "Trust me, it'll be worth it."

With a small nod, Soobin allows you to lead him out of the music room and into the empty school halls. You take a moment to make sure there are no teachers or students around before continuing on your mission.

"Where are we going?" Soobin asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

"To the secret cafeteria," you reply, your eyes lighting up with excitement. “They make the best bingsu."

Soobin looks at you sceptically. "And we're going now? During school hours?"

You nod enthusiastically. "Yeah, why not? It's more fun to do things when you're not supposed to." It’s like Taehyun said, nothing really matters anyway- you live in a manhwa and doing this isn’t causing trouble. If anything you’re not interfering with the story at all.

As the two of you sneak around the halls, you can feel your heart beating faster with excitement. You've always been a bit of a troublemaker, and the thrill of getting caught is only adding to the rush. Soobin, on the other hand, seems to be getting more and more nervous with each passing minute. You can tell he's not used to breaking the rules like this, and the fear of getting caught is starting to weigh on him.

"Are you sure we're not going to get in trouble?" he asks, his voice shaky.

"Relax, Soobin," you reply, trying to sound reassuring. "We'll be back in no time. And even if we do get caught, it'll be worth it for the bingsu."

You lead him through the winding hallways of the school, ducking into alcoves and behind pillars whenever you hear someone coming. As you approach the back of the school, you can feel your heart racing with excitement. Soobin is trailing behind you, looking a little apprehensive. You turn to him with a grin on your face.

"Come on, it'll be fun," you say, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the fence.

Soobin looks up at the fence, which is just low enough to jump over. He looks hesitant, but you can see the excitement in his eyes. With a deep breath, he nods his head and takes a step closer to the fence.

"Okay, let's do it," he says, taking your hand and squeezing it.

You both step back a few feet, preparing to run towards the fence. With a deep breath, you take off towards the fence, Soobin hot on your heels. As you reach the fence, you both leap up and grab onto the top, pulling yourselves over with a bit of effort.

As you land on the other side, you can feel your heart racing with adrenaline. You turn to Soobin, who looks a little shocked but also exhilarated. "That was amazing!" he exclaims, grinning from ear to ear. You both take a moment to catch your breath and let the adrenaline settle.

You stroll down the sunlit street with Soobin by your side, enjoying the warmth of the spring afternoon. The flowers are in full bloom and the air is filled with the sweet scent of cherry blossoms. Soobin looks up at you with a curious expression, trying to catch a glimpse of where you're leading him.

“Y/N, where are we going?" he asks, but you simply smile and keep walking.

You smile at him, keeping your lips sealed. "It's a surprise, just trust me," you say, your voice light and playful.

Soobin nods, a small smile on his lips. "Okay, I trust you," he says, his hand brushing against yours.

You lead him down a path that winds through a park, the vibrant colours of blooming flowers and green grass surrounding you. You can feel Soobin's curiosity growing with each step, but you keep your focus on the path ahead. The sun casts a golden glow on everything around you. The air is filled with the sweet scent of blooming flowers and fresh grass, as the trees rustle gently in the light breeze. The sky is a deep shade of blue, scattered with a few fluffy white clouds. As you walk, you can hear the chirping of birds and the rustling of leaves in the gentle breeze.

As you walk through the alleyways, the air is filled with the sweet scent of blooming flowers, and the gentle breeze brushes through your hair. The alleyways are lined with small shops, selling all sorts of knick-knacks, from antique books to handmade jewellery. The colours of the shops and the decorations outside make it feel like you're in a different world. The sounds of the bustling city seem to fade away, replaced by the soft chatter of locals and the occasional song from a street musician.

Soobin is looking around in wonder, his eyes taking in every little detail. He keeps asking where you're taking him, but you just smile and say "You'll see." He walks alongside you, his hand brushing against yours occasionally, sending shivers down your spine. You notice how the sun hits his face, making his eyes shine even brighter than usual.

You lead Soobin through the winding alleyways until you reach a small, hidden cafe. The entrance is unassuming, a small sign above the door simply reading "Coffee Shop", but inside is a cosy and inviting atmosphere. The smell of freshly brewed coffee and baked goods wafts out the door, enticing you both inside.

As you step inside, you're greeted by the sound of soft music and the hum of conversation. The decor is quaint, with exposed brick walls and mismatched furniture, giving the cafe a charming and rustic feel. Soobin looks around in awe, taking in the cosy atmosphere and the eclectic artwork hanging on the walls.

"This place is amazing," he says, his eyes widening in appreciation.

You smile at his reaction, feeling proud to have shared your little secret with him. "I come here sometimes when I need to escape from the chaos of school," you admit.

Mrs Kim, the owner, looks up from the counter and her face lights up with a smile when she sees you. "Well, well, well, look who we have here," she teases, making you feel like a schoolgirl again.

You roll your eyes, grinning. "Mrs Kim, please," you say, trying to hide your embarrassment.

"Who's the lucky guy?" she asks, her eyes flickering towards Soobin. "I've never seen you bring anyone with you before."

Soobin looks at you curiously, and you can feel his gaze on you. You chuckle nervously, feeling a bit embarrassed by Mrs Kim's comment.

"Mrs Kim, this is Soobin," you introduce him, hoping to move past the awkward moment.

Mrs Kim turns her attention to Soobin and smiles warmly. "Nice to meet you, Soobin. You must be a special one if she's brought you here," she says, winking at you.

Soobin looks a bit taken aback by the comment, but he smiles politely. "It's nice to meet you too, Mrs Kim. This place seems really cosy," he says, looking around the quaint cafe.

Mrs Kim nods happily. "Yes, we like to keep it that way. We're a small operation, but we put a lot of love into our coffee," she says, gesturing to the counter where a barista is brewing a fresh pot.

You can't help but smile at the familiarity of it all. The smell of freshly roasted coffee beans fills the air, and the walls are adorned with pictures of local artists and musicians. It's always been a haven for you, and now you get to share it with Soobin.

“What can I get you both?” The older woman smiles, guiding you to your usual spot by the window. Soobin peers at the menu, taking in the assortment of food they serve at the cafe.

“2 coffees and a strawberry bingsu please.” Soobin orders, smiling.

"Ah, going for the bingsu, I see," she says with a smirk. "You two must really like each other."

You feel your face turn red as you stammer out a response, but Soobin just chuckles and shakes his head. "Mrs Kim, you're too much," he says with a smile.

Mrs Kim laughs and heads to the back to make your order, leaving you and Soobin alone at the table. You take a deep breath, feeling your nerves settle as you relax in the chill atmosphere of the cafe. Soobin catches your eye and gives you a reassuring smile.

"Don't worry, I know she's just teasing us," he says, his tone light and playful. "This place is really nice though, I can see why you like it."

You nod your head, feeling the warmth spread through you at Soobin's words. You can't help but feel grateful for his company, especially in a place that holds so much sentimental value to you.

As you wait for your bingsu to arrive, you and Soobin chat about school, music, and everything in between. You feel at ease in his presence, enjoying the simple pleasure of good company and delicious food.

Eventually, Mrs Kim returns with your bingsu and coffee, setting the frosty bowl down in front of you with a smile. You and Soobin dig into the sweet dessert, savouring the cool, refreshing taste. You catch Soobin's eye and smile, feeling a sense of contentment wash over you.

You take a spoonful of bingsu and close your eyes, savouring the sweetness of the icy dessert. Soobin follows suit and lets out a small sigh of contentment.

"This is so good," he says.

You nod, "Yeah, Mrs Kim makes the best bingsu in town."

He couldn't believe his luck; here he was, sitting with the most popular girl in school, skipping classes and enjoying a delicious bingsu in a secret little café tucked away in the alleyways. You were so beautiful, he thought, with your hair slowly swaying by the air of the fan and your eyes sparkling in the warm spring sunlight. He felt his heart race and his cheeks flush, wondering if you could hear the thumping of his heart. "How did you find this place?”, he turns to you and asks.

You smile at the memory. "It was a rainy day," you begin. "I was walking through the alleyways trying to find a shortcut home, and I saw a small sign for the cafe."

Soobin looks intrigued. "And you decided to come in?"

You nod. "I was curious. It was pouring rain, and the cafe looked so comforting and inviting. Plus, I had never seen it before, and I love discovering new places."

Mrs Kim, who is standing behind the counter, overhears your conversation and chimes in, "And now look at you, a regular customer! Bringing new friends and all!"

You laugh, feeling a little embarrassed. "Well, it's just such a hidden gem. I couldn't keep it to myself forever." Soobin couldn't help but feel grateful for your generosity. He was a quiet, reserved boy, and he didn't have many friends. But here you were, sharing your little secret with him, he couldn’t help but feel a bit special.

Mrs Kim brings over refills for the bingsu, she gives you and Soobin a mischievous grin. "So, are you two lovebirds dating now?" she asks, making Soobin choke on his bingsu.

You laugh, feeling a little flustered but mostly amused by Mrs Kim's teasing. "No, Mrs Kim," you reply. "We're just friends hanging out."

Mrs Kim raises an eyebrow, clearly not convinced. "Uh huh, just friends," she says with a knowing smile. She clucks her tongue in disapproval. "You should be dating, dear. It's been too long since that Dongsik broke your heart. It's high time you found yourself a new boyfriend."

You sigh, "Mrs Kim, we're just here to enjoy some bingsu, not to talk about my love life."

She waves a dismissive hand. "Oh, I know, I know. I'm just teasing you. But honestly, Soobin here would make a great boyfriend. He's such a nice young man."

Soobin looks like he's about to die of embarrassment. "Mrs Kim, please," he mumbles, looking down at his bingsu.

Mrs Kim shrugs and gives you a knowing smile. "Well, you never know. Sometimes the best relationships start as friendships." You roll your eyes playfully, but can't help but feel a little flustered. Mrs Kim always seemed to know more than she let on.

As Mrs Kim leaves to attend to another customer, you turn to Soobin and give him a reassuring smile, “I’m so sorry about her.”

Soobin nods, but you can tell he's still a little flustered, “It’s alright.”

Soobin pauses for a moment as if debating to say something. “Are you okay?" Soobin asks softly, “About the entire Dongsik thing?”

You let out a small sigh. It's been a few months since the break-up and the drama seems to have died down, but the memory still stings a little. You shrug and offer a small smile. "I'm fine, really. It was just a high school relationship, you know? It's not like it was going to last forever."

Soobin nods, but he still looks concerned. You can't help but appreciate his kind heart. Even though he's not Yeonjun, he still cares enough to ask about your well-being.

You find your mind wandering back to your past relationship with Dongsik. You remember how everyone in school was excited when the two of you started dating, how you were suddenly the IT couple that everyone looked up to. But deep down, you never felt the same way about Dongsik as he did about you. At the time, you thought it was just because you were still young and didn't know what love was supposed to feel like. But now, looking back, you realise that it was all just a part of the story. The writer had planned for you to be with Dongsik, to create drama and tension in the plot. And you had unknowingly played your part. Dongsik was a piece of shit, and you can’t believe the author made you date him for over a year.

Soobin looks nervous as he fiddles with his spoon, staring down at the half-eaten bingsu. He takes a deep breath before finally asking the question that's been weighing on his mind.

"Y/N, do you think you'll get back together with Dongsik?" he asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

You can't help but chuckle at his question, knowing that the answer is a resounding no. You shake your head and reply, "No, Soobin. I don't think I'll ever get back together with him."

Soobin seems relieved at your answer, his shoulders relaxing a bit as he takes a sip of his drink. You smile at him, feeling a sense of happiness that he cares for your well-being.

"Don't worry about me, Soobin. I'm doing just fine. And besides, there are plenty of other guys out there. I'll find someone who's right for me eventually."

Soobin nods, a small smile gracing his lips. "Yeah, you will. And he'll be lucky to have you."

You feel your cheeks heat up at his compliment, and you quickly turn away, hoping he doesn't notice.

Suddenly, Soobin clears his throat and looks up at you with a small smile on his face. "Um, Y/N… I just wanted to say thank you for bringing me here. I've never been to a place like this before, and I'm really enjoying myself."

You can't help but feel a warm sensation in your chest as you watch Soobin speak. His voice is soft and gentle, and it's clear that he's trying his best to express his gratitude to you.

"It's no problem, Soobin," you reply with a grin. "I'm happy to have you here with me." Soobin's face turns bright red at your words, and he looks down at his lap, still fidgeting with his hands. It's clear that he's not used to receiving compliments or attention from someone like you. But you can't help but feel drawn to Soobin's shyness and vulnerability. It's refreshing to spend time with someone who isn't trying to put on a front or impress you all the time.

As you both continue to enjoy your bingsu, you take a moment to appreciate the simple pleasure of just sitting and chatting with Soobin. There's no pressure to impress each other or keep up appearances, just two people enjoying each other's company in a quiet corner of the city. The thought of Yeonjun briefly crosses your mind, but you quickly dismiss it. You're allowed to have fun and make memories with other people, regardless of your crush on the main character of this manhwa. For once, you're living in the shadow and free to do as you please.

𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁 - @fairyofshampgyu @human-misery @goldennika @multistansimp4life @blondsoobinenthusiast @captivq ~ lmk if you want to be part of the taglist 💗💗‼️‼️

[sortofanobsession]

Because @blazinghotfoggynights suggested a scene I just had to incorporate in my WIP I previewed here...

It's placeholder name in my files is literally Buddie Alpha Omega Diaz Pup (this is WIP preview 2)

Buck can't believe how right it feels every time he walks in the door to what is now their home. Going home to his omega and son always had a smile forming on the alpha's face and a warm feeling in chest. He had always believed that the most important thing he could feel as an alpha was pride. That is what his dad and his coaches always said. Pride felt good. It might be important to most alphas, but it was nothing compared to what Buck felt now. Days like this made him feel bad for those pride focused alphas. Because nothing hit Buck harder or made him feel more alive than coming home to his pack, his family. He felt so much love the alpha thinks that life can't get better. He thinks that, but every time he finds out he is wrong. It was early and the house was quiet. It had been a long shift and it was worse when they worked different shifts. He had worked at the station before Eddie had joined the team, but it was different now. The two of them were partners. In anything and everything even before they got together. Not having Eddie there was like someone had taken away half of what made him good at his job. The omega would argue Buck was always good at his job. He didn't need Eddie for that. But Buck was always better when Eddie was there. Bobby had reminded him he'd have to get used to it. Eddie could take up to a year off. Even if he knew it was for the best, Buck knew he wouldn't like it. Buck’s thoughts circle back to what started his mind on this track when after checking in on a sleeping Christopher he makes his way to the room he and Eddie share. And Buck has never felt anything like the sheer amount of love he feels when he sees Eddie. Eddie looks adorable, something Eddie will never admit he is, bundled in what is basically a nest of blankets and Buck’s clothes. He knew it was a thing omegas did, especially pregnant ones, but seeing it when it's your omega. It's beautiful. The alpha moves as silently as possible. Eddie was a light sleeper usually, and sometimes just the change of having Buck's fresh scent in the air was enough to wake him on bad nights when he came in. But the omega must be exhausted, or maybe just really comfy, to sleep this deep. He was glad he had showered at the station before he left. He quickly gets ready and carefully moves to join his omega. Which the alpha isn't surprised finally wakes his sleeping partner. 

“Just me,” Buck assures him and the affect is instantaneous. Eddie just hums as what little tension the disturbance caused vanishes..most of them at least. The omega reaches out to pull the alpha towards him. Buck chuckles at the way Eddie scents him once Buck is nestled in. The barely awake omega burying his face in his lover’s neck before quickly falling back asleep. Buck has no complaints. Eddie is tucked tight against him and they would stay that way for a few more hours. Then, begrudgingly, the alpha would have to let go so Eddie could get Christopher ready for school. At least Buck would know Eddie had a partial good night's rest. 

When Buck got up it was late morning. Christopher was already at school.

“Morning,” Eddie said when Buck walked into the kitchen. “How'd the shift go?” Eddie silently waited and watched with amusement as Buck shrugged and got a cup of coffee. “One of those mornings, huh?” Eddie grinned. 

He was answered by the alpha draining half the hot drink and then making his way over to where Eddie was leaned against the counter. The alpha buried his face in the omega neck. 

“That bad?” Eddie chuckles. The omega's fingers card through the taller man’s hair. 

“Shifts are too long,” Buck says, half mumbled in Eddie's shoulder and neck. Eddie smiles and nods. He gets that. Sometimes a shift could drag on even if it had plenty of calls to deal with. It was the down time that get you. 

“Missed you too,” Eddie says. That has the alpha pulling back so he can probably kiss him. “Hungry?” Eddie asks when they pull apart and Buck goes for the rest of his caffeine fix. Eddie laughs at the nod and mumbled “yes, please,” and “starving”, from the alpha. Eddie might not be the best cook but he had made extra pancakes from a mix he and Chris, thanks to Carla, had long ago discovered could be made during his off days. The mix could be made in pancakes and frozen or just save them having to do it every day. Because they couldn't survive off cereal alone. Not when Chris was growing like a weed and Eddie worked a physically intense job. Occasionally, they'd do waffles or something special, but today had been a pancake day. So getting the alpha's ready was easy. 

Buck watched Eddie make the one meal the omega had confidence in making. 

[theradicalscrivener]

Life is suffering.

I'm struggling to hold it together long enough to finish the semester but it's going Not Well. The good gnus is I have finished a few short stories. The bad gnus is ... Everything else. I'll need to figure out when to post some of the stuff from the past few months because I'm never sure if I should be aiming for "peak hours" or just post it whenever is convenient. Unfortunately, I've been to exhausted to do anything other than work and such for a while now. I'm hoping that in a few weeks when I finish my finals I'll be able to unwind a bit and get some housekeeping stuff done. I also need to figure out what stories I've actually posted here and what I still have left to share. I know I did some CDE recently as well as the first stage of a slow(ish) macro growth story which I don't think has been posted here. I feel like I've also done some one shot stuff.

I'll try to give a brief recap of the past few months because I know people have been asking but also I know that most people don't want to have to scroll past a massive block of text so I'll keep it snappy.

I'm in an upper division accounting class. The final class I need to finish my bachelor's in accounting degree. The professor has structured the entire class around being a group oriented endeavor. All assignments (sans exams) are group projects. You'd think being an upper division course, everyone would be knowledgeable in the field and have at least the bare minimum moral fortitude and work ethic but you'd be wrong. My group has refused to do any work and since I dont want to fail because of other people I've been doing the work of 5 people by myself which is a huge part of why I'm so worn out.

I've spoken with the proff about it and at first she seemed to be on my side. Literally the whole class knows I'm the only one in my group doing work. During all the presentations I'm the only one who speaks and when the other members are forced to speak/answer questions they have no idea what to say. Like I've literally written briefs for them so they'd at least have something to say and they refuse to even read that.

A few weeks ago the proff pulled me aside after class and said that she'd grade my work separately from the rest of my group and that I should do the final assignment (which is like 40% of the class grade) solo and leave the rest of the group to handle themselves. I did the entire assignment by myself and emailed it to her rather than submitting it through the group portal. She responds to my email and said she has no idea why I would email her directly and told me i was supposed to use the group portal. She has no memory of us every talkin about the group issues so now the rest of the group are getting my grade on the final project even tho they didn't do anything. I haven't even heard from them in weeks. To make matters worse the proff never changed my grades and so I have the grades for the rest of the group (which are very low because we are graded on the participation of the whole group and since most of the group never participates in the presentation, and when they do they don't know anything about the subject I'm getting graded down for them not doing their job.)

I have a few more weeks and a few more assignments left of this shit. I just need to survive til mid may. Hopefully I don't crash and burn completely.

In other gnus. Things at work have been insane. I've been doing triple duty there as well. I work two jobs. One is a salary job which is tough to really say how much I actually do there ( but even then my salary is only 800 a month so it's not meant to be a full time job). On top of that I have my hourly work. I've been putting in over 100 hours at the hourly work pretty consistently lately.

On top of all that ny grandmother passed away at the start of the month. I ended up on an impromptu road trip to go to the funeral and deal with family stuff all while keeping up with work and school. I'm back home now but I'm extra exhausted and also down bad with the Rona. I'm tired and sore and sick and cranky as all get out.

But hopefully... I just need a few more weeks.

[cock-ainee]

I fucking hate my father. I despise him. I hope he dies and leaves me, and my mom the fuck alone.

I hate how he makes me feel fucking worthless even though he's the one that ruins my whole life. From the beginning to start. I hate how for the most of my life, i felt like what he does to me is normal. That every kid is forbidden from watching stupid fucking tv (TOTALLY), that every kid gets yelled at and hit all the time. It was just a few years ago that i started realising that what he does is seriously fucked up. For me it's just another shitty day, but if someone "normal" knew what was going on their brain would fucking explode. It's been quite a lot of time since he's been regularly beating me up, but i don't know if what he does now isn't even worse. It's not like i take anything he says really to me, but it just frustrates me so much that i'm getting mentally abused even though i've done nothing wrong. His constant complaints about my weight (made by a bastard who's fucking obese) and hearing that i'm stupid, useless and other shit are driving me insane.

Lately my mom said something about my cousin passing the matura with 100% from math. It was during diner. What did that dick say??

"if (...) ate all this she'd pass that too"

Yeah??? Maybe i'd have a chance to pass with such a score if i studied, instead of overworking my ass off for nothing. Because nobody pays me here. They just demand i work 24/7 instead of giving any attention to school and still do good. It worked in primary school because i was just smart. But i'm in fucking high school, and i should study if i want to even just pass the fucking matura. But what can i do, when after i come back from school i immediately go to work, and when i actually get back home i'm exhausted?? Totally?? Even worse on days off of school. I sometimes overthink, thinking that I'll never get anywhere, i won't pass those stupid exams. And yk what?? Matura is useless on it's own. I'd have to go to college to actually get any job qualifications. But i'm not fucking planning to. I'm done with all this crap. And i wouldn't make it. I can't even talk to people, because i'm fucking afraid, how am i supposed to get a job.

And even if i get one, how am i supposed to last. My back hurts so fucking much already, and i'm always sore somehow. I've worked since i was a kid and that's already taking a toll on me. I'm worn out.

I don't even know how he can sleep peacefully, knowing he's ruined a person. That his own kid hates him. That his own kid wonders why she was even born, and what has she ever done to be born where she was. That his own kid wants to kill herself. I don't know how tf he doesn't feel guilty.

My older stepsis moved away as soon as she turned 18. She always hated me, because her and mom had to move to our house when mom got with my mother. I always hated her too, we were fighting a lot, but i guess she understood she's not the only one, and that i'm suffering exactly the same thing. We're on good terms with each other. At least that's good.

I want to leave, but i can't. I can't tell anyone about this, or there will be a huge drama, probably i'd get taken away from my family, and i don't want to be dependent on anybody, because as soon as i can i wanna get away as far as possible. I just need 2 fucking years, I'll be an adult and finish school if i'm lucky enough. If i pass this year. I probably would, if not for math. But my teacher is nice, i should be able to do something about it at least.

Do yall want to know who you're talking with though? You're talking with a person who slept outside, or snuck in trough the window because she's been to afraid to open the front door while walking into the house. With a person who hid from her father because he was angry. A girl who got judged for every single thing she did

When i see or hear other dads, who are supportive towards their kids i want to cry. I just wish i was born into a normal family, and felt loved.

(i'm putting that "for adults" thingy because i don't want my post to be immediately visible, like, i think what i just said was cringe but i needed to vent a lil even if nobody listens)

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Useless vent I guess? TW: suicidal ideations mentions

It's kind of embarrassing to send an ask for that but for years on end I have struggled with just being utterly lazy. I wish I had a strong concrete reason like depression or mental illness but I am simply useless and can't get myself to really try. Each year that passes I'm like "god I wish I had made things easier for myself by simply making more of an effort" but I'm just so exhausted all the time. When I go to college I am tired. When I get a school break I basically hibernate and still end up tired. I could be put into a room with just stuff to entertain myself and food and accept this as my life but I am supposed to do things and every time I miss opportunities because I can't be bothered working. I have exams coming up and have been given 3 weeks to prepare on my own (as in not at school) and I've been rotting in bed all day, completely deregulating my sleeping and eating habits and just scrolling on my phone.

I don't know how people just work so hard. And I don't even necessarily mean elite students but just idk my mom who has to wake up early and sleep late because of her job, people balancing school and a job, or anyone who may not have it as "hard" but are at least put together (sleep and eat well, exercise, work and/or study etc.). Sometimes the fact that I'm so incapable of just doing the simple productive things (go to the library, go for a run, read a book etc.) just makes me want to die. I'm not like super actively suicidal but I'm just always met with my laziness and inaction and at least I live with my parents now but in the future it's gonna be worse and I just wouldn't mind being hit by a car to avoid having to be productive.

Okay this is a mess lol basically I'm a whiny little idiot who just feels like the weight of having to do things in order to advance in life is too much when literally everyone kinda does it to the extent they can. Idk I just wish I was better with navigating the world and simply existing in a less useless manner.

hey anon,

You are not lazy. Clearly something is going on. It's not normal to be tired like that all the time. You are definitely not whiny, nor an idiot, okay? You are struggling. Things can get better. Be kind to yourself.

I hope things get better for you.

Mod Misa

[kaaras-adaar]

// Some personal stuff under the cut (feel free to ignore!)

I just wanted to make things a little clearer, as I know I've been exceptionally sporadic the last... well 3 years tbh? Things have not been easy. Between working during a pandemic, work life being exceptionally tough on me, and then I added school on top of it, I've been not in a good place mentally. Even worse, the state of the world and the cost of living have been kicking everyone's arses lately. The world itself is a very negative place to be in right now, so it's no surprise that it's had its downs, especially on people.

I'm no exception.

When I was younger, I had clinical depression and anxiety so bad that I was actually unable to leave my own house to get the mail because my anxiety was so bad. While I am exceptionally proud of how far I've come from that (because I HAVE!), my depression has also come back in a bad force that I've not struggled with for at least a good 7 years or something.

I know I've not been myself these last few years. I know I've been short tempered, exhausted and overall tired. It took a while to admit that my depression had come back, because I fought a long time to be rid of it and overcome it. I had my bad days here and there, but everyone does. A couple of days passed and I was good to go again and put it behind me. But the last year, at least, I know it's been bad. It's put a hamper on my writing, it's put a hamper on my friendships, it's overall made me a pretty shitty person to be around because of how exhausting life has been these last few years. Please also take into consideration that I have Aspergers, and much of this outside noise has been very difficult to cope with.

I have been trying to find happiness in the small things, but some days, I have felt so down that I've wanted to leave my life online entirely. I have also felt suicidal. I haven't, and I don't TRULY want to, because I know that depression warps things and tells me things that aren't true. Instead, I have tried to simply take a step back and tell myself these things will pass, and I have kept most of this offline because tbh... I don't want to be this person that depression has made me become. I know it's not really who I am. I am a good person, I am a funny person, I am a charming person (or so people tell me lol).

I am fighting, and some days I have very good highs, and I feel great, but then others, I feel like walking out into traffic. I'm getting there, though. It's been a slow process, and I truly do feel like once I've finished school, things will begin to get better for me. It's just a slow process, and I want to thank everyone who has been there for me throughout this, even though I've not been open about this, and I've not reached out (because I didn't want to put my problems on any of you, it's not your responsibility). It may have come off as me not being a good friend, but I do shut down, as I don't like to appear vulnerable. It's overall a bad cycle, I know.

Like I said, I am getting there. And I will get there eventually, I am sure. I am just a little delicate atm, and I am trying my best to not return to a place I thought I'd overcome.

[determinedwriter]

Whumptober 2023: Day 26: Working To Exhaustion/“You look awful.”

Ro

High school freaking sucks. I kind of knew it would, but I’ll admit I’m smart enough to push through. Or at least I thought I was.

Going to a STEM school makes everyone look smart. And they know it. Nobody knows I’m Tony Stark’s kid, so I’m just like everyone else. An average teenager.

I thought that’s what I wanted, but I think it’s almost making things worse. As far as anyone knows, I’m just some orphan. I suppose the same goes for Peter though. And he really is one.

I shouldn’t complain. But sometimes I wish I could unleash my powers on my school bullies and burn all of my terrible test scores.

I’ve been studying like crazy lately. Ever since I came home with a subpar grade on my latest project at school.

Dad acted like he didn’t care, but I saw the frown. I saw the look in his eyes. And when he’s disappointed in me, it feels like a stab to the heart.

Even if he doesn’t mean for it to hurt, it does. I think it hurts more when he lies and tells me it’s okay. I know he wants me to succeed. He wants me to be smarter than this.

Who wouldn’t want that? Especially considering he’s one of the smartest people on the planet. But my endless studying has begun to take a toll on me.

Friday chimes to life from the ceiling to speak to me. “Miss Aurora, your father is asking you to come to dinner.”

I look down at my textbook and notes. “Tell him I’m not hungry but…thanks.”

“Of course, Miss.” She replies.

I study until there’s a knock on my door. “Ro?”

“Hmm?” I ask.

Dad opens it. “Missed you at dinner. What’re you up to?”

“Studying.” I reply honestly. “Sorry I didn’t come to eat. I just wasn’t hungry really.”

He nods. “It’s alright. Make sure you get some sleep though. It’s a school night.”

“Yup.” I say. “Goodnight.”

Dad nods again. “‘Night, kiddo.”

I sigh in relief when he leaves. I’m exhausted and I don’t want him to see how much this school crap is killing me.

He deserves a kid that’s not going to flip out about the little stuff like I am.

But that’s not gonna happen, so I’m going to do my best to be who he deserves.

Working harder and harder as the days pass, practically killing myself in the process. I’m working myself to exhaustion.

The day of the big test I’ve been studying for, I can hardly make my way to my classroom. Peter notices this in an instant.

He supports my weight as I stumble in the doorway of the class, Flash making one of his very unnecessary comments. “Careful everyone, Ro’s a zombie. Don’t get bitten. Too bad she’s gonna fail this test with her lack of brains.”

“Shut up, Flash.” Peter says, helping me sit. “Ro, are you gonna be alright?”

Flash smirks. “What? I’m just saying. Zombies don’t have brains, right? Or at least they don’t use them.”

I roll my eyes. “I don’t have energy for your crap.”

“Hence the zombie thing you have going on?” He asks. “I mean, you look awful.”

Peter glares at him. “Seriously dude, just drop it.”

I sigh. “It’s whatever.”

He rubs my back. “Do you need anything?”

I shrug. “No…”

He takes a water bottle out of his backpack. “Drink up. Just a little.”

“I don’t feel good.” I mumble back. “Thanks, though.”

Peter puts the bottle away, watching me nervously as our tests are handed out. Here we go. Time to either crush this or disappoint my dad once more.

“Your time starts now.” I hear the teacher tell us.

My hand shakes as I write with my pencil, the lead breaking as I press down a little too hard. God, I’m going to give myself a heart attack.

Peter notices this, silently handing me another pencil.

“Thanks.” I whisper.

He nods and gives me a thumbs up, going back to his own test after that. He’s smart as hell, but he’s probably stressed about it too.

Maybe I should’ve studied with him. I’ve been keeping to myself and doing that alone lately. It’s too late to worry about that now. Just get this done.

About halfway through the test, I can hardly ignore my dizziness and anxiety. People have begun to turn theirs in and I’m way too far behind.

God, what’s the use in studying if it just ends with me failing all over again? I’m really starting to panic now. It’s a good thing nobody knows I’m a Stark.

I shouldn’t have any association with the great Tony Stark. It’s a wonder we’re even related in the first place.

I hadn’t realized it, but my panic has become obvious now. Peter is touching my shoulder and my teacher is calling my name.

My eyes land on Flash, who laughs. I don’t know why this sends me off the deep end the way it does, but here we are. I’ve begun to hyperventilate.

“Aurora? Aurora, what’s the matter?” My teacher asks.

“I think she’s having a panic attack.” Peter explains. “Ro, just take it one step at a time. Breathe with me. Can you-“

I wobble in my chair, fainting before I hit the floor. I’ve literally worked myself to the point of unconsciousness. I didn’t think it was this bad.

My eyes open to see Peter’s face above me, carrying me quickly down the hallway. “P-Pete?”

“Ro, thank God!” He exclaims. “You scared me half to death.”

Still woozy, I don’t immediately understand why I’m his arms. “I’m…tired…”

“Try to keep your eyes open. Please.” Peter begs. “I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m taking you to the nurse.”

I weakly nod, but pass out again shortly after that and wake up on a cot in the nurse’s office. This time, Peter is sitting beside me.

“H-How long was I out?” I ask.

“Only a little bit. I ran here with you.” He explains. “I think everyone was more surprised I could carry you than the fact you fainted.”

“Fainted…” I echo. “Why did I…”

“You’re exhausted and dehydrated.” The nurse speaks up. I hadn’t noticed she was in the room at all.

“Oh…” I reply. “I-I don’t feel well.”

“No wonder you don’t feel well, honey. Please, just rest for now. I’ve called your emergency contact.” She tells me.

“Who is that again?” I ask, knowing it’s not Dad. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t put his name on it for my own protection and privacy.

“Harold Hogan and Pepper Potts are the two we have listed. Mr. Hogan is on his way.” The nurse replies.

I hate to whine, but I’d really like my dad right about now. “Thank you.”

“Of course, sweetheart.” She says.

Peter holds out the same water bottle from before. “I’m making you drink some this time.”

I chuckle weakly. “Okay.”

Taking a few sips, I lay back down until Happy arrives, looking concerned. “Hey, kid. How do you feel?”

“Like garbage.” I tell him. “I really want to go home but I need to finish that test. I’ve already disappointed my dad enough. He needs me to-“

“I need you to take it easy.” Dad finishes for me, revealing himself in the doorway and entering. “I won’t have it any other way, you got it?”

“Dad?” I gasp. “W-Why are you here? You never come here.”

“Happy told me what the nurse said. You fainted. I’m not about to leave you alone. Even if you do have him and the spider kid here.” He replies. “You look exhausted. What happened, Ro?”

I gulp, replaying the past week or so in my head. I’ve hardly eaten, drank, or slept. “I just…wanted you to be proud of me.”

Dad’s face softens in concern. “Oh, baby…it’s okay. I’m so proud of you. Nothing will ever change that. I know you’ve been studying a lot lately but I didn’t realize you were practically killing yourself over it. This could have gone much, much worse.”

Hearing the scolding, I avoid his gaze by closing my eyes. “I’m sorry, Dad. I didn’t want to fail. I wanted to…I just wanted to be like you. I want to be smart and not even have to try and…and I can’t even do that without fainting in the middle of class.”

He sighs. “Well first of all, I don’t want you to do this ever again. I won’t have it. And second of all, you’re almost too much like me. You’re smart and you're stubborn. That’s what got you here. You put too much pressure on yourself. When was the last time you saw me get to bed at a reasonable hour?”

I shrug. “That’s different.”

“It isn’t.” Dad insists. “Having trouble with school doesn’t make you any less of a damn prodigy, kiddo. I don’t call you mini for nothing. Mini Stark. Thank God you’re not my clone though. You have empathy.”

“So do you.” I say.

“Not like yours. And yours is just natural. Effortless. I wish you had more confidence in yourself, but I’m glad you don’t have my arrogance. Even I can admit I have a big head.” He continues. “Though…I am a genius.”

Noticing I don’t laugh at this, he frowns. “I’m sorry, sweet kid. My point is…the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. You’re smart. And your struggles don’t mean you’re not. I need you to trust me on this.”

I slowly nod, hugging him. “I didn’t mean to not take care of myself. I just got so wrapped up in trying to make you proud…I wasn’t thinking. And I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t realize. You can come to me with these things alright?” He replies.

“Alright.” I say.

He wraps an arm around me and helps me stand. “I’ll have Happy take us home and you can rest, okay?”

“What about my test?” I ask.

Dad scoffs. “You’ll ace it. I’ll make sure you get time to do a make up test. Don’t worry.”

I lean on his shoulder. “Thanks, Dad.”

“You’ve got it, micro.” He replies.

Peter speaks up for the first time in a good few minutes. “You’re a cool dad, Mr. Stark.”

“You know it, kid.” Dad teases. “Thanks for getting her here, by the way.”

He nods. “Of course, sir.”

Dad brings me to the car where Happy drives us home, making sure I get some desperately needed sleep and lots of water too.

Slowly but surely, I’m able to feel less anxious about test days. And Dad’s help is invaluable. He says I had it in me all along, but I credit him in helping me with my grades either way.

There’s nothing quite like a father-daughter duo.

Especially when they’re a couple of Starks.

We’re thick as thieves. And that won’t change as long as he’s by my side.

[luxaofhesperides]

the taste of something sweeter

It's 11/11, Pocky Day, and Na Bori is dropping hints.

It takes a bit for Lee Jihye to get them. In her defense, she's tired and math has fried her brain even more.

also on ao3.

. . .

“Hey,” Na Bori nudges Lee Jihye’s shoulder with her own, “Do you know what day it is?”

Lee Jihye lifts her head and squints at her, trying to get her brain to work. She’s running on three and a half hours of sleep and has been staring at her math textbook for the past ten minutes without understanding a single thing in it. She’s barely functioning, leaning most of her weight against Na Bori as they fail to study. 

“Huh?”

“Do you know what day it is?” Na Bori repeats. She’s not looking at Lee Jihye. Not teasing her either, which she never fails to do when Lee Jihye gets like this; all distracted, confused, and sleepy. 

It makes Lee Jihye pull her focus together, trying to figure out if something’s wrong. Is it a birthday? No, she would have been planning Na Bori’s present at least a month beforehand. A holiday? Also no. Then… something to do with school? Is there something happening at school she needs to prepare for when the lunch period is over?

“Uh…” Lee Jihye starts, trying to think past the fog of exhaustion in her mind, “Tuesday? Wednesday? What day is it?”

Na Bori huffs a small laugh, dropping her head back with a small smile. “It’s a Friday, first off, and secondly, it’s… November. Eleventh.”

“Oh. Wait, it’s Friday already? Sweet!”

“Jihye-yah. I can’t believe you forgot. You literally told me how happy you are that it’s Friday this morning.”

“I’m tired! You get even worse when you’re sleep deprived!”

Na Bori rolls her eyes, and Lee Jihye wakes up enough to gently shove her away. It only ends with Na Bori rocking back to crash into Lee Jihye and sending them both toppling to the side, caught by the arm of the couch.

“Anyways,” Na Bori says, “It’s November eleventh.”

“Okay?”

She stares. Lee Jihye stares back, waiting for her to continue. 

There’s nothing special about the date. Other than the fact that it’s a Friday, but those come every week so it’s not a big deal. She really has no idea what Na Bori is trying to get at.

She’s tired and done with school and math is her eternal enemy and she’s warm, between Na Bori’s body heat and the blanket tossed over their legs. Lee Jihye is not thinking. She won’t do it, not in these conditions.

Na Bori sighs, then pulls away.

Immediately Lee Jihye grabs Na Bori’s sleeve, stopping her before she can do more than move to the edge of the couch, and pouts at her. “Bori-yah,” she says, “What is it? Come on, tell me, don’t just leave me guessing.”

“It’s November eleventh,” she repeats, and continues to not elaborate.

“Is it a special day or something? What am I missing?”

Na Bori gives her a long look, and Lee Jihye can’t make out what her expression means. She feels off balance, like she’s just missed a step and is falling through open air. 

These moments have been happening more lately. Lee Jihye just doesn’t know why. Nothing’s changed. She’s the same as she always is, and Na Bori is too. At least, Na Bori is the same to her. There’s always a chance that there’s something happening in her life that she’s keeping from Lee Jihye, always determined to deal with it on her own before Lee Jihye catches on and bulldozes her way into helping.

Before she can push and ask what’s wrong, Na Bori smiles and her hesitant and guarded expression disappear as if they were never there in the first place. 

“I’m going to grab a snack,” she says, pulling out of Lee Jihye’s grasp. “Want anything?”

“An energy drink?”

“No. Those are terrible for you.”

“We regularly stuff ourselves full of junk food, I don’t see how an energy drink can make things any worse.”

“The last time you got anything with that much caffeine, you rearranged your entire room and started making origami frogs to give to everyone in school,” Na Bori says, which. Yeah. That’s true. It was a few hours of energy and excitement and then she crashed so hard she felt like a zombie the next day.

“Just get me whatever,” Lee Jihye amends, “I need something sweet to keep me going.”

For a moment, it looks like Na Bori is going to say something more. She lingers, and Lee Jihye looks up at her, blinking rapidly to keep her eyes from closing completely and sending her into an unplanned nap. Then Na Bori shakes her head fondly and walks away, leaving Lee Jihye alone in the living room with only her textbook to keep her company.

Outside, the harsh November winds rattle the window, and Lee Jihye pulls up the blanket, glad she’s inside. Na Bori’s apartment is nice, all warm colors and welcoming, little knick knacks and decorations everywhere. Her parents are busy, usually at work save for a few hours at night when they can sleep and sometimes in the mornings, but they’re kind and always happy to host Lee Jihye.

It’s much nicer than her own sterile, lonely home. She speaks more to her grandparents than her actual parents, even though her grandparents live in a small farming town and only know how to use a landline despite her many attempts to get them used to cell phones. 

Her own parents…

Lee Jihye never likes thinking about them. They feel the same way. She just isn’t the daughter they wanted. 

But Na Bori’s parents make her feel wanted. This apartment is more her home than anything else; anywhere with Na Bori is where she belongs, really. 

She’s really, really glad Na Bori is her friend. She’d have been so lonely otherwise, and just the thought of living a life without her have tears welling up in her eyes.

“Here,” Na Bori says, jumping over the couch to rejoin her. She’s got an armful of snacks, ready to be spread out on the table and shared. “I wasn’t sure what to get, so I got everything. Here—wait. What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

Lee Jihye closes her eyes, forcing back the burn of tears. “I’m not crying.”

“You’re about to cry. I was only gone for two minutes. What’s wrong, crybaby?”

“Nothing. I’m just glad you’re here.”

Gentle fingers brush her bangs back, and when Lee Jihye opens her eyes, Na Bori is there, sliding her hand down her jaw before dropping it back into her lap.

“I’m here,” she says. “Here, eat something sweet. That’ll cheer you up.”

Lee Jihye extracts herself from the soft cushions of the couch long enough to look through the bounty of snacks Na Bori brought. She grabs a small box of strawberry chocolate bites and settles back to get comfortable again. Beside her, Na Bori grabs a larger box and opens it, pulling out a silver bag. 

As soon as it’s opened, Lee Jihye holds out a hand. She gives Na Bori her best puppy dog eyes, silently asking for some. 

Na Bori glares at her, then rolls her eyes with a smile. “You’re lucky you’re so cute, or I wouldn’t be sharing at all,” she says, dropping a stick of pocky into her hand.

Lee Jihye grins, ignoring the butterflies in her stomach from the comment. It’s just a joke, nothing to be taken seriously, so Lee Jihye ignores her feelings and buries them away. She has plenty of practice at doing it; there are a lot of feelings she’s been hiding when around Na Bori, and she’s almost always with Na Bori.

“You’re the best,” she says, biting into the chocolate side of the stick. She shakes some of her strawberry chocolate drops out into her hand, then passes them along to Na Bori. 

She dumps her math textbook onto the floor, finally giving up on it. She hasn’t been able to focus on it at all without dozing off, and she hates studying anyways. Why bother doing the impossible? She has snacks to be eating with Na Bori!

It’s only when she finishes her first stick of pocky that her brain finally connects the dots.

“Today’s pocky day!” Lee Jihye all but shouts. 

“Finally,” Na Bori says, “You’re the one who brought it up last week. I thought you’d remember.”

“You know I don’t remember things. Ever. I’m too busy daydreaming.”

“About what?”

You, she doesn’t say. “This and that, you know how it is.”

“Tell me,” Na Bori says, knocking her shoulder into Lee Jihye’s. 

“Oh, I don’t know. The most recent one is just imagining what’s going to happen next in that drama I was telling you about.”

“Boring. I thought you’d say something like rescuing princesses in your daydream cinematic universe.”

“That sounds boring. That story’s been done a thousand times before! What would you be daydreaming about, then?”

Na Bori bites into a pocky stick, the snap purposefully loud. Her gaze feels heavier suddenly, like she’s pinning Lee Jihye in a spotlight. “Spending time with you. Graduating with you. Being brave.”

Lee Jihye doesn’t know why her breath catches in her throat, but it does. There’s something in the air, something electrifying. She’s standing on the edge of something, ready to jump if only she knew what was waiting at the bottom. 

Being brave.

She is not brave. She’s a crybaby, but she’s also the one to get rid of any bugs that manage to get near Na Bori. She’s not brave or smart or special, but Na Bori sees something in her that convinces her to stay. 

She is not brave, but she thinks she’s willing to try for this.

“You kept bringing up the date,” Lee Jihye says, lowly, as she tries to get her thoughts together. She gathers her courage, ready for the free fall. “You brought pocky. You want to play.”

Na Bori licks her lips and Lee Jihye’s eyes follow the movement, dropping to her mouth and staying there. Blindly, she reaches out and pulls out a pocky stick from the bag and holds the tip between her lips. She forces her eyes up to see the rest of Na Bori’s face just in time to see her lean forward.

She bites the other end of the pocky stick, her own half-eaten one held loosely in her hand. 

The world’s stopped moving outside of them. The world has narrowed down to them, sitting next to each other on the couch, barely breathing as they slowly close the distance between them.

Lee Jihye can’t hear past her heartbeat in her ears with each centimeter that disappears between them. She tilts her head to the side can’t stop from finally closing the distance, pressing her lips to Na Bori’s just briefly before pulling back. 

She feels dizzy, the world disappear from beneath her as she thinks I just kissed Na Bori.

The chocolate of the pocky is sweet on her tongue. She swallows it down mechanically, still staring at Na Bori’s lips. She can’t look away. She’s frozen in place, waiting for something to happen, waiting for something to give so the world can start turning again.

And Na Bori cups Lee Jihye’s face and kisses her again. 

There’s nothing brief of chaste about this one; it’s messy and biting and sweet, years of hidden desires coming out all at once as they gasp and chase after more. 

Lee Jihye’s hands end up on Na Bori’s waist. She can’t remember putting them there, but she can’t focus beyond the soft warmth of her skin, the movement of her lips, the small noises she makes. 

It’s everything she’s ever wanted. It’s every dream she’s had that she’s tucked away in her chest, just out of sight but always there. It’s the feeling of flying, making the jump, and landing in Na Bori’s arms. 

She’s wide awake now. The world is clear and the fog of exhaustion has disappeared beneath the giddy rush of feeling that accompanies every kiss.

“Bori-yah,” she breathes against her lips, and she can feel Na Bori smile.

“Jihye-yah,” Na Bori returns, pulling away, and pressing a finger against Lee Jihye’s lips when she moves to follow and kiss her again. “Jihye-yah. Wanna play again?”

There’s still a nearly full bag of pocky laying forgotten on the couch. They don’t have all that much time before their lunch period is over and they have to return to class, but this would hardly be the first time they’ve skipped. 

She grins and pushes the pocky box away. “I think I know a better way to play.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” And Lee Jihye tugs Na Bori’s hand down and kisses her again and again and again.

It’s the last thing either of them say for quite some time. 

[wildstutterer]

Sad post:

04/29/23

I’ve been living in the U.S for almost 11 years and I’ve never felt so out of place like I do now. I don’t know if it’s because I am a bit older and I am more “aware” of everything around me but It doesn’t feel good. I feel very sad.

Today, I feel like it’s becoming more challenging for me to do what it takes to make it in this country, at least financially speaking. It feels as if I need to have a certain type of mentality to see the bigger picture, like I need to be hungry for money and success. I don’t have that mentality, and I don’t crave to have that mentality. I just want peace, mental peace. I want to be comfortable and not worry so much about tomorrow. I want to feel safe, I want to be happy again and not have to think about how the decisions I make today will affect my family tomorrow, because ever since we moved to this country we have been supporting each other and if one of us falls, we all end up falling. I don’t want to have to be strong and have my shit together. I am supposed to be living my “best years”. I am supposed to be figuring things out, experiencing new things, new people, learning from my mistakes..but those years feel so far away right now.

I want to find what makes me happy but how do I do that when all I do is work and go to school? I’m exhausted, mentally and physically. I’m trying my best not to make excuses. I tried to go to therapy, but it’s expensive and I had to stop going. I tried to get medicated but the side effects left me feeling worse and I didn’t want to become addicted to the momentary feeling of relief or happiness. Now I understand why so many people struggle with addiction in this country, because it feels like it’s their only way out, specially when you are so burned out. I don’t want that, so every single day I decide to stay positive, to push myself , to look at the bright side, I have to do it for my mental health. I have to cheer myself up because if not I will fall into a deep depression and I cannot afford to do that. So I choose every single day to be strong…. But not today.

Today I just feel like the system is not meant to work for people like me. Today I feel like I would be better off somewhere else. Somewhere where the government makes sense of their actions and actually care about their citizens well being. Somewhere where I don’t have to worry about how much I would have to pay if my parents or I get sick, although we have insurance. Somewhere where I don’t have to worry if I will make enough money to pay for next semester in school, or enough money to stay afloat. Somewhere where I don’t have to force myself to be in a good mental place in order to fake another smile at work and pretend that I love what I do. Basically I’m asking to live in another planet.

At the same time, I feel so ungrateful, because although I feel the way I feel, I know deep inside that I am lucky to have the things I have today. I am lucky to be healthy, to have food everyday, to have a roof over my head, to have a job to help me get all of those things. But It has become so hard lately to see the positive side, to even want to build connections.. I used to love interacting with people. Now I don’t feel like I meet the standards to fit into this society.

It’s a sad day. I am still hoping and continue to hope that things will be better for me and my family tomorrow. I will keep trying to stay strong although all I want to do is crumble to the ground and cry myself to sleep.